Field Kit Inspection
Field Kit Inspection is a bout of autistic, crack-infused roleplay that follows the near-heretical misadventures of the almost always loyal "Unknown Regiment" and its efforts to destroy Mankind's enemies in the grim-darkness of the far future.
Each thread typically starts with Commissar Knochenmus bringing together the regiment, under the premise of something happening, before quickly divulging into utter Chaos and heresy.
Characters
Active Duty
No regiment, no matter how loyal or astounding, can get anywhere without men and women to grease the wheels and fill the body bags. This section describes those who have yet to meet their obligation of dying for the Emperor.
- Commissar Arthur Knochenmus The new Commissar in town. Knochenmus was assigned to the regiment shortly after its creation, and mere hours after its commanding Officer Colonel Erigs died in an unfortunate suicidal accident. He is considered (mostly by himself) to be a tactical genius of incredible proportions, and sees loyalty and purity in even the most heretical of men. Often leading to confusion from the actual loyalists in the regiment.
- 1st Lieutenant Mattias Wyvern CO of second platoon, for the regiment's fourth company. Matthias has served with the regiment since day one, when he was accidentally (much to his dismay) shipped to the regiment with no way of returning to his own regiment and refusal of any requests to send him back. So far, he's trying to remain optimistic in a bad situation. But between the constant fuck ups, the numerous xeno and heretic infiltrators, and the Quartermaster constantly sneaking into his room to use his shower, it's starting to get bit difficult. After a series of rather strange events and occurrences that not even an Inquisitor could pry from him, he has started to grow rather close to the current Quartermaster, Rias Greymane.
- Magos Gelt The totally non heretek from the Cyclothrathe daemon forge world. Has been exposing Mur to as much Tzeentchian stuff as he can get his hands on as part of a science experiment. Has a seemingly endless supply of Tachyon arrows. Was once an interrogator under Inquisitor Quixos. Still has the =][= symbol even if its no longer valid, because no one ever checks.
- Corporal van Kleez Vox operator for the Commissar's unit, Kleez was assigned to the regiment after being 'promoted' from his posting on Armageddon with the Savlar Chem-Dogs. He's long since stopped trying to understand what various heretical, chaotic and/or xenos bullshit is going on within the unit, and spends a large proportion of his time off his tits on whatever substances happen to be to hand. He's never seen without his bulky respirator, which is dotted with various ports and intakes to better allow him to consume various chemicals.
- Gunnery Sergeant Rias 'Scarlet' Greymane Supposedly a guardswoman from Cadia, yet no one can seem to find any information on her in the Regiment's archives... She was promoted to the Regiment's Quartermaster by the Commissar, after its last one died from a heart attack due to paperwork related stress issues. She was gifted a Necron Gauss rifle disguised as a Plasma gun by the Magos and a Ultramarine powerfist by a lucky trooper. She had also inherited Mur's possessed Chain Axe and Inferno pistol, although she's yet to show any signs of taint or corruption. She has recently started wearing a silver ring in addition to her usual kit. Most of the time she keeps her face and long hair hidden behind a Krieg style skull gasmask and helmet.
- Grod 'Eadstompa A guardsman who looks suspiciously like an Ork and nearly destroyed the unit after unleashing a horde of Daemons by hitting a Chaos Artifact with a hammer.
- Corporal Hamounds Literally the swarmlord. Seems to have inexplicably appeared aboard the space hulk and donned the worst disguise ever, yet it was good enough for the Commissar to not bat an eye. Goes through about 5 different names per kit inspection and causes huge catastrophes every time he is involved in anything, even if it's fucking karaoke. Died multiple times but regenerated himself instantly for no reason. Promoted by the Commissar for reasons that cannot be explained.
- Magos Abominatus A freaky and occasionally spiteful tech priest that frequently attempts to copulate with Magos Gelt using his "cyber cock". Abominatus is a fitting name for him.
- Private Notas Pawn A thing that shall not be named pretending to be a guardsman and can communicate only by SCREEECHing.
MIA
Eventually, every regiment succumbs to it. Personnel occasionally go missing during combat, whether due to going AWOL, or being captured by the enemy. Sometimes, it's just because people aren't around enough, so the Munitorum lists then as MIA. This is a list of such people.
- 3rd Company Captain "MUR" the World Eater The captain of the Unknown Legion, he has only recently joined this suicide mission, surprisingly of his own volition. After following the Commissar [puny man] into battle with a few knife ears he was gifted "Axei" and "Mel", two possessed weapons containing two daemons of Tzeentch, by Magos Gelt [Cog man]. Was captured by Dark Eldar, and has become a pit fighter in the arenas of Commoragh.
- Gobels Coque A private from Cadia who has a knack for finding various weapons and artifacts of varying importance and origin including but not limited to: the Commissar's personal Thunder Hammer, a suit of Ultramarine Tactical Dreadnought Armor, a Necron Hyperphase Sword, and The Emperor's Sword. Eventually he was "borrowed" by Trazyn the Infinite.
KIA
All regiments have their losses whether at the hands of the enemy or as a result of in field summary execution. Here is a list of those lost during the missions. Lost, but not forgotten.
- Imperial Knight Godfrey Maxon Inexplicably appeared on a paradise world thinking it was an active war zone and joined the Unknown Regiment. Died to chaos AA guns while trying to drop onto a Mechanicus planet. His body was then dragged through several miles of forest before being abducted by the Mechanicus along with the rest of the regiment
Mission Log
Mission 1
The regiment receives its first shipment of recruits and is sent to investigate and ork incursion near a local hive.
Mission 2
After the discovery of looted Eldar tech from the orks, the regiment (after some deliberation and many conflicting orders) strikes an Eldar encampment to great effect, before being unexpectedly picked up by a shuttle for redeployment. The new recruits get stranger.
Mission 3
The regiment is shocked by reports of a traitor in their midst. Much infighting ensues between the various traitors and heretics within the regiment. The investigation is inconclusive.
Mission 4
We go to a fucking space hulk, we don't get paid enough for this shit. Anywho, while we are there we kill a filthy xeno that infiltrated our ranks and blow the hulk to kingdom come. Let's hope next time is better..... HAHAHAHAHA NOPE
Mission 5
NOBODY EXPECTS THE INQUISITION and that's what happens, and it turns out there are more Inquisitors in the regiment than just the Ordo Malleus agent that's shown up...
Mission 6
The Unknown Regiment arrives on a deserted penal mining world to investigate where everyone has gone. Turns out there were Dark Eldar and some pests the Magos had to fix - boy, did he look sour when he came out of the sewers. But anywho, the Lieutenant Wyvern called in the location of some Dark Eldar raiders that had captured the governor's palace, and the regiment went on the attack. The fighting was fierce and many were laid low, exacting a heavy toll on the enemy, but as the battle closed the [dice] gods decided to have a laugh at the World Eater MUR and he was captured. Who knows what will happen next?
Mission 7
Beach vacation fuck yeah! The Unknown Regiment takes a day off, an Imperial Knight arrives and gets bored, many sand castles are built and karaoke breaks the laws of physics. Nobody knows what's really happening but nobody cares either.
Mission 8
The regiment are deployed on a Mechanicus world recently fallen to Chaos hands and gloriously reclaim it for the Imperium. Except they don't and instead crash almost immediately, get their Imperial Knight blown up by Chaos marines worshipping a mysterious god named 'Criticus', and a three way Magos war ends with a Tyranid bioship obliterating the camp. The entire regiment is then abducted by Skitarii.