Halflings

Halflings, or simply "'flings", are generally small, well-spirited people; that's how they've been portrayed in almost every single setting ever, and it'll probably stay that way. Still, when they're portrayed differently they tend to be rather . . . quirky. For instance, Dark Sun's halflings are all cannibals, while Eberron's are nomads that ride around on dinosaurs. Go figure.

Small and dodgy (stunty and right stuff,) they generally favour rogue classes, though halfling paladins of Arvoreen are not to be underestimated! Halflings typically love food, beer and sex, the hedonistic little bastards. They are also kleptomaniacs and will steal anything you have while you aren't looking: don't bother bolting it down, they'll just take the nails too.

Adult female halflings are also known as "legal lolis."

Halflings are really a shameless ripoff of Tolkien's Hobbits, who are also referred to as 'halflings' by humans. Artists can't seem to decide whether halflings are chubby and fat, look just like normal humans but are half as tall, or look like children who get stuck at age 10 for all eternity and thus permanently remain lolis/shotas. We at /tg/ prefer the last option.

Halfling Physiology

Halflings consist of two main organs, the stomach and the fingers. The fingers serve to bring food to the stomach, and the stomach exists to fuel the fingers, ad infinitum. It is believed by top scientists that the length of halfling lifespan is due to the fact that they are perpetual motion machines, powered by an endless cycle of food snagging, digestion, and finger-fueling. That halflings are mortal at all is mainly thought to be a consequence of their recruitment by adventuring parties, who break the chain by forcing the halfling to use its fingers for lockpicking.

Halfling Mating Practices

Seriously? First dwarves, now halflings. What is wrong you people? This is a family website, motherfuckers! Next section, please.

(Honestly, they're about the same as human mating practices, only shorter and with more eating. ...Of FOOD! Food!)

Halfling Society

What else is there to say? We covered the food, the sex, the epic loli-dom. Oh, halflings love giving gifts. If you've read the first chapter of Lord of the Rings, you should know this. If you haven't, what are you even doing on a website built by tabletop geeks?

Anyway, this compulsive gift-giving is primarily the source of their acute kleptomania. Without somehow making up the deficit, the average halfling would run out of gifts to give in approximately an hour and twelve minutes. Most hobbit hole kitchens are adorned with a wood burning that reads, "steal from the tall, give to the short." Where these wood burnings come from is a mystery, since halflings never write anything and nobody's invented the soldering iron yet. It is assumed that they stole these, too, but from whom exactly is a mystery beyond our current ability to discern.

Notable Halflings

• Bilbo Baggins, of Tolkien's Middle Earth. The one that started it all.
  • Frodo Baggins, Bilbo's cousin and adopted heir. Was involved in the theft of and wilful destruction of property(specifically jewellery), and murder; as the owner, Sauron, died of mental anguish. No legal action taken. Fled the country to avoid prosecution. Final fate unknown.
  • Samwise Gamgee, accomplice to Baggins in aforementioned theft, and hunting of endangered mammoth spider wildlife. After a generous donation of the Baggins estates by Frodo to his election campaign, he became mayor of the Shire. This was quickly followed by a name change to "Samwise Gardner" and coincidental loss of any records of his misdemeanours.
  • Bullroarer Took, Great-Great-Great-Great Uncle of Bilbo Baggins. Most notable for his ability to ride a real horse and for inventing Golf with a rabbit hole, a (non-golf) club, and the head of the general of an invading army. What an absolute hero.
• Belkar Bitterleaf, from Rich Burlew's Order of the Stick. Arguable, as Belkar is so fucking, eye-bleedingly awesome that he may, in fact, be a dorf. ("I am a sexy shoeless god of war!")
• Tasslehoff Burrfoot, beloved happy-go-lucky companion to*BLAM* fuck kenders. fuck them in the ear.
• That's more or less it. I mean, they're hardly the go-getters of heroic fantasy.

Gallery

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  4e halflings and their notable lack of hairy feet.

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