If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device

This article is awesome. Do not fuck it up.

This article contains spoilers! You have been warned.

Prepare yourself for pure undiluted WIN!

The Lord:

"You've nothing more to say to me? You come but to complain unendingly? Is never aught right to your mind?"

Mephistopheles:

"No, Lord! All is still downright bad, I find."

- Goethe's Faust, Prologue in Heaven.

A Youtube series created by Bruva Alfabusa, the show follows the exploits of Emprah himself in his quest to bring the Imperium of Man to its former glory, helped by the captain of the Custodes "Little Kitten", Magnus (now forgiven and with soul) and a hilarious cast of other major 40k characters. The series has become a complete success, mostly by poking fun on many of the memes, traditions and quirks of the 40k universe and the fandom but also by some very awesome scenes and, of course, great music.

Most fans agree that, while a wild and very unserious take on the 40k universe, the plot itself isn't actually that outlandish (apart from the Ultramarines capturing Magnus the Red...). If the Emps would wake up, it's pretty much a given that he would remove the worst parts of the Inquisition as some of the first things, while probably being an ass, as he always was. The unsure part is if the Emps would have learned from his 10,000 years of mistakes, which the series believes he has, deep inside. Doesn't help his temper though.

The so-called "TTS-verse" also includes Karl the Deranged's series Chaos Descends, and Eliphas the Inheritor's Behemoth trilogy. "Specials" are slated for story content that takes place outside the throne room.

Dramatis Personae

Starting off with a few characters, the series has evolved to encompass a fuckton of major and minor characters, with their own small arcs and all. It's not quite OotS level, but it's getting there.

Team Emperor

Emperor of Mankind: The Emprah, who's now able to verbally communicate with people after Techpriests installed a text-to-speech device on his throne. You know how Rouboute Guilliman is a 'jerk with a heart of gold'? Well the Emperor is a massive frothing plasteel dickbag with tourettes, with a heart of gold/platinum alloy studded with diamonds. Is currently planning to rebuild the Imperium after hearing the clusterfuck of stories from his Captain-General caretaker. He also has a pet Centurion (who turns out to be rather important), which he finds adorable, while finding Dreadknights abominable. He is a jerk, frequently insulting the Captain General with little reason other than he can (and because it's funny), and dialogue with Magnus implies he's always been a prick. Nonetheless he is ultimately a sympathetic character who wanted to create a better future for humanity and the comedic outrage he displays at all the bad news he gets is justified given how he frequently hears about costly victories that could have been avoided if the men in charge were less incompetent and how the Imperium has been destroying itself (usually because of the Inquisition). The Emperor has a new plan for defeating Chaos after the "starve them out by getting rid of religion" plan didn't work, but like before, he refuses to tell anyone what that plan is.

Custodes Captain-General (aka Kitten): Captain-General of the Adeptus Custodes and the only Custode who appears to have retained his sanity after the near-death of the Emperor, and for that matter one of the few sane humans in the Imperium. He serves as both the Emperor's personal caretaker and assistant, and pretty much the only person he regularly talks to and his main link to the outside world. Generally the only person the Emperor trusts and treats like a son, albeit constantly berating him whenever he does something stupid, or because he just feels like it. He also seriously hates Tau. [ One episode] implies that it is because Shadowsun spurned him for the Greater Good (and also because he was a bit... fixated on the extremely y-onic shape of her nose), something he furiously and tearfully declares must be non-canon. He is named Little Kitten by his fellow Custodes, for "purring his way so far into their ranks", but his real name is a long seemingly nonsensical word salad supposedly based on his accomplishments... But given how he's been stuck in the palace for the last ten thousand years said accomplishments include things like "Goldilocks-Sunshine-Graham-Corncob". His frequent emotional outbursts despite the supposed emotionless state of the Custodes is intentional, and played for humor. After being forced out of the position of caretaker by his fellow Custodes, Kitten fell into a depression, to which Magnus ominously is taking advantage of by making Kitten his ally in making the Imperium great again and totally not get back at the old man. So far all he has done was kill a bunch of Lacrymoles that were impersonating the High Lords of Terra.

Magnus the Red: The closest thing to a sane person besides the Captain-General (who plays the straight man depending on the situation). Retrieved from wherever within the Warp by the sheer plot-armor-powered efforts of Cato Sicarius and then brought to the Golden Throne, followed by the Emperor bullying Tzeentch in order to steal back Magnus' soul. Touched, he somehow managed to forgive the Emperor (sort of) and decided to help the Emps with his plan to fix the Imperium, but Emps being a jerk to him is starting to test his patience. The shiny new bike he was given helped with their reconciliation, though just how well his apparent heel-face turn has actually stuck is up for debate at best. He may not be actively working for Chaos anymore, but he also quickly runs out of patience with his father and is attempting to fix the Imperium without his help, partly because he has serious doubts about his current sanity (which is kind of justified), and partly just to spite him. Magnus turns into a neckbearded daemon cyclops that is a bit reminiscent of his old model back in Epic, whenever he enters rage mode - usually prompted by any mention of space wolves.

Imperials (So sorta good guys)

The Pillar-stodes (Wamuudes, Custodisi, Karstodes): Some of the Emperor's personal companions from the Great Crusade days. After his interment into the Golden Throne, the rest of the Custodes have shed their armor as a sign of mourning. This, however, has also caused them to become fabulous hedonists (although somehow not to a Slaaneshi-tier extreme, they actually despise slaaneshi daemons the most, much to the Emperor's confusion), which greatly disturbs the Emperor. They also have no respect for their Captain General and don't even seem to remember that he's their superior. They constantly slip innuendos into their conversations, much to the discomfort of everyone involved. Except for Rogal; he's too literal-minded to notice. A running gag with them is that whenever the Pillarstodes come into a scene, they would dynamically jump in from nowhere with their own personal theme song. The three Pillarstodes appearance is based on the Pillar Men from Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: Battle Tendency; a group of fabulously well-built, half-naked Aztec vampire demigods seeking immortality.

The High Lords of Terra: The people responsible for running the Imperium itself. Despite this the majority of the High Lords never really discuss or do anything to the betterment of the Imperium and just act senile, once planning to outlaw breathing for everyone but them. There are currently 5 High Lords featured, aside from the Captain-General.¨

- Ecclesiarch Decius XXIII: The only non-senile High Lord aside from the Captain General, who legitimately takes his post seriously, even standing up to Fyodor and forbidding him to shed a single drop of blood from Terra's population (which Fyodor circumvented by using incendiary weaponry). For not screwing up the Emperor's plan, not being an overzealous bag of insanity, and rushing to try to save the Emperor when Fyodor stormed Terra's Palace he is allowed to stay leader of the Ecclesiarchy, even as the Emps is disbanding it, due to the fact that he and those who obeyed Emprah now are in charge of reforming the Imperium from the craphole it has sink in. Loyalty to the man rather than the word finally payed off. Just about everyone mocks him for his hat, which gets limp or...stiff depending on his emotional state. Hat Boners?!? He proved that despite the crap others give him, he can make some pretty rousing speeches on the fly.
- Fabricator-General of Mars: The head of the Adeptus Mechanicus. Is so old that his voice stutters every time he speaks like a broken version of Stephen Hawking in addition to always speaking in little tunes. Constantly does nothing but insult his fellow high lords for being made of flesh and recommend they swap out their fleshy bits for mechanical augmentations.
- Grand Provost Marshal: Head of the Adeptus Arbites, who does nothing but propose to make everything illegal. HE IS THE LAW.
- Master of the Administratum: The head of the Imperial bureaucracy. A bit less inept than the rest of the high lords, he acts like your everyday senile grandfather.
- Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard: The leader of the Imperial Guard. Doesn't do much, apart from comparing war to the good ol' days. Aware enough to know that the removal of minor luxuries (laxatives, breathing) may have detrimental effects on the Imperial Guard. Lays a sicknasty dilarius biznasty beat.

The Ultramarines

Marneus Calgar: Chapter Master of the Ultramarines. He's currently depressed and frustrated at the state of the Ultramarines where they basically win everything (due to their plot armor) as well as their strict adherence to the Codex Astartes to the point that it's no longer fun anymore. Due to this, his mood is eternally grumpy, only made worse by Sicarius' constant gloating. He actually seems to care deeply for the men under his command as he get extremely pissed off when Sicarius put his marines at unnecessary risk to achieve another victory to inflate his reputation. He also appears in a flashback during the second Tyranid war in Ultramar, where he did battle with the Swarmlord. While he put up a valiant fight, he found that they were equally matched, and thus, declared it a draw.

Cato Sicarius: Current Captain of the Ultramarines 2nd company. His persona's played as Cato's canon need to be a glory hound and the embodiment of the Ultramarines' plot armor, turned up to eleven, where he only cares for his advancement in the ranks of the Ultramarines and not much else. He apparently undertook the mission to capture Magnus the Red. Alone. Without his gellar field turned on, and his survival at such mission greatly pissed off Calgar to no ends, who was hoping he would die. He is also very verbal about his intention to take the position of Chapter Master, which greatly upsets Calgar (as Cato's dialogues largely implies that he's better than him and wishes for his death), to the point where he threatens to perform an "Imperial Fisting" upon Sicarius with his Gauntlets if he continues such thoughts. He also has a very egotistical, effeminate voice that can only be described as "the love child of tinnitus and a jackhammer", and he always refers to himself in the third person. It's goddamn hilarious.

Uriel Ventris: Current Captain of the Ultramarines 4th company. He doesn't have a lot of development yet, but appears as a close friend of Calgar and is the only one who's noticed the Ultramarines' theme of somehow always completing utterly suicidal missions. He comes to realize that some unknown force is tampering with space and time to rewrite history,(Probably has to do with an itsy bitsy little SHARD) covering up the Ultramarines past failures and playing up their successes to impossible levels, and starts to suspect that Calgar knows more about this than he's letting on.

Roboute Guilliman: The Emperor has regularly made a point of ordering the Custodes Captain-General to have him taken off life-support. Currently the only reason he's still alive is Kitten winning an epic duel in a children's card game against the Emperor. The result of his actions and the Codex Astartes horrifies his father.

The Salamanders

Vulkan: Primarch of the Salamanders. After the Ultramarines found the remaining artifacts of Vulkan in secret for the Salamanders, Vulkan returned to the chapter, where his return was greeted with great adulation. He is notably quite crazy, and haunted by the ghost of Ferrus Manus. He speaks with a distinct African accent and loves friendship.

He'stan: Forgefather of the Salamanders. He is seen sleeping on an anvil on fire when Cato Sicarius delivered the remaining artifacts to the Salamanders, literally driving them through the wall of the fortress into the Forgefather's personal chambers. Thinking he found the artifacts in his sleep, he subsequently declares himself to be best forgefather.

The Raven Guard

Corvus Corax: Primarch of the Raven Guard. Appears at the end of one of the episodes. He's currently brooding away (and possibly stuck)in some dark room guarded by Salamanders, while writing edgy poetry in his journal.

The Dark Angels

Azrael: Chapter Master of the Dark Angels. He's depicted as an overly paranoid wreck, obsessing about Cypher, the Fallen Angels and constantly telling any non-inner circle member that reports to them that they're doing nothing suspicious and heretical.
Belial: Grand Master of the Deathwing. His emo personality is hilariously turned to eleven whenever he perceives himself or his chapter as not being perfect, which is every waking second. This curiously allows him to become more reasonable than the rest of the Inner Circle. He has an effeminate yet whiny voice.
Asmodai: The Dark Angels' Master of Repentance. He has a somewhat intense personality with a voice reminiscent of your stereotypical 1980s cartoon villain. REPENT, MOTHERFUCKER.
Watcher in the Dark: A Watcher that accompanies Azrael, who is apparently the only one of its kind who can talk. It suddenly spoke of Cypher while in the presence of non inner-circle Angels, prompting Azrael to hilariously beat the shit out of it. His speech and mannerisms appears to be based off Orko from the He-man series.

The Black Templars

Chaplain Grimaldus: Shows up in a filler short where he tries to ban the holiday of Sanguinala. The other Black Templars tell him he can't, prompting him to go to his bed and throw a loyalist tantrum.

The Space Wolves

Leman Russ: Primarch of the Space Wolves. Has been hiding in the warp. Has a verbal staredown with Karamazov, then proceeds to relentlessly mock him while obsessing over wolves.

The Grey Knights

Kaldor Draigo: Makes a short appearance after Fyodor and the rest of his attack force was sent into the warp by Magnus. He's clearly gone batshit insane after so long in the warp. He pops all around Fyodor and annoys him, driving the Inquisitor to scream in annoyance. Later summoned by Kitten to handle Magnus' tantrum, which he does so in a split-second offscreen using inexplicable Mary Sue powers to defeat him.

Adversaries

Abaddon the Despoiler: Has yet to personally appear in the series, but has so far has been contacting various Chaos Champions to enlist their help with the next Black Crusade.
Fulgrim: Has yet to personally appear in the series, but appears to have already joined Abaddon in his plans. He makes his appearance as the person who called Lucius to get him to join Abaddon.

Lord Inquisitor Fyodor Karamazov: Inquisitor of the Ordo Hereticus and a colossal jerk even among inquisitors. When the Emperor disbanded the Inquisition, he went ballistic and led an entire crusade to Terra to purge what he thinks is heresy. Ended up in the Warp via Magnus for his troubles, after being trolled in a magnificent manner by being told he is a fragment of the Emperor. This was all the Emperor's plan for sending out the message in the first place, to lure in all the more destructive Inquisitors to get rid of them. He's not out of the game yet, though, and is determined to return to the Emperor.

- Dominique: The sentient scribe servitor on Fyodor's Throne of Judgement. He comically makes fun of Fyodor on several occasions and generally breaks the serious atmosphere that the Lord Inquisitor tries to project. He also has a curious predilection for sandpaper cigarettes and a rapacious drug habit. Voiced by Gonzo the Great.

Ordo Malleus Inquisitor: One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor. He appears as an Inquisitor brandishing bulky power armor, almost resembling Terminator armor (because it is, since it's a Grey Knight Grand Master, called "Grey Knight Leader" in the ending ; on a side note, the Ordo Malleus has human size Terminator Armours in it's possession). Is the most level-headed of the group.

Ordo Xenos Inquisitor: One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor whom you'd recognize if you've ever seen. A xeno fetishist. She appears to be the bad cop of the group with a short temper and a rough, Russian accent. She claim that the letter of disbanding inquisition was written by a genestealer cult under the Emperor's name.

Ordo Hereticus Inquisitor: One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor. He appears as an Inquisitor dressed in black and using a bolt pistol with a sight mount (which is exactly from the front cover of Dark Heresy). He has a sort of soft-toned, yet hilarious way of speaking. He is favor of door kicking and burning building type of exterminatus, just like a medieval witch hunter.
Torquemada Coteaz: One of the Inquisitors who joined Fyodor's assault into the Imperial Palace. He shows up after Fyodor's forces was blocked off by a force of loyal Ecclesiarchy priests led by Decius in the palace, but breaches their defenses by throwing a barrel of Jokaero at the defenders. This plan causes Fyodor to lose any respect for him, which solicits a disheveled response from Torquemada, telling him to get off his Throne of Judgement and tell him to his face, or use his multi-melta to do what he's too pathetic to. Fyodor backs off and lets him leave. So far he appears to be the only sane Inquisitor, snarling at Fyodor to not execute the Emperor for whatever offense he may pull out of his ass. He's also busy with making a film, which is why he didn't stay to see Fyodor's plans go to the Warp.
Inquisitor Javerticus: the most dedicated and charismatic of them all, and also an awesome singer and swordsman. Sadly, the Grey Knights doesn't seem to comprehend his awesomely dramatic greatness.

The Gods of Chaos: The gods here are less chaotic than their canon counterparts. More-or-less they just sit around and talk to each other, the way they did prior to the Emperor showing up and making plans to wreck their collective shit.
- Tzeentch is a petty schoolyard bully/prankster who also likes to engage in pointless overthought pseudo-philosophy, and it's unclear if he means it or if it's just part of him being a troll.
- Slaanesh is a hyperactive masochistic camwhore. Steals from Khorne and trolls with sexual innuendos.
- Khorne is the only half-way normal Chaos God (if that term could ever be applied to the Gods), who has yet to appear beyond screaming at Slaanesh for being a creepy whore. Has a fairly good relationship with Khaine, though, and they work out together at the gym. Never skips leg day, unlike the Emperor.
- Nurgle is the only one actually doing any scheming. Has a voice that's really hard to understand without subtitles, and is more focused on his waifu Isha than actually doing anything.
- Malal makes several short appearances, conversing with the various gods on Spacebook where he declares he will ruin everyone once he becomes canon again by escaping the "Retconnian" (a dimension where the Squats, Horus' soul, and other things that don't exist anymore are banished to) and a second time is shown to exist in a pocket outside canon where he is able to influence things that are canon in subtle ways using the "Tyrant Star", a wandering sun that gives off black light and incites anarchy and chaos on whatever planet it shines on. It appears that his obsession to become relevant again is a harmful one, as Horus and a Squat talk him down from his attempts and console him when he breaks down crying about his futile attempts.

Lucius the Eternal: Slaanesh's premier champion, who sounds like what would happen if Mickey Mouse turned to Slaanesh and became a drag queen in the process (his first appearance is a direct reference to this). First shown fucking up some Imperial Guardsmen (in all senses of the word) with his warband, laughing like a maniac all the while. He then got a call from Fulgrim, inviting him and his band to join one of Abaddon's "huge parties", which he accepted. His absolutely creepy portrayal in the series is quickly becoming one of the scariest (and most enjoyable) things in the franchise, sorta an impressive achievement. Runs a prank show in his spare time, and posts the results to Spacebook.

Ahzek Ahriman: Most powerful sorcerer of the Thousand Sons. Appears in a short scene where he finally gets access to the Black Library, only to be dicked with, and eventually booted out by Cegorach. Decided to quit trying to get into the Black Library for a while and take a break, but decided against the latter after being summoned by Abaddon for the Black Crusade.

Typhus: Chaos Lord of the Death Guard. Has the voice of Gilbert Gottfried, which he uses to read erotic fanfiction for Lucius. Like the other chaos champions, he's been summoned by Abbadon for the Black Crusade.

Huron Blackheart: We cannot confirm his appearance in the series proper, but it appears that he is with Abaddon in the Season 3 intro, perhaps pointing to an alliance of sorts. Why in the all the names of Chaos he is there, we don't know.

The Tyranid Hivemind: Attempted to hijack the Chaos Gods' warpchat, but was kicked after too many synapses attempted connections. The Emperor claims that talking to the Tyranid Hivemind is like talking to a herd of hungry sheep.

The Citizens Of The Imperium: In special episodes where the Emperor answers mail from citizens of the Imperium (most of which is questions asked by watchers of the series), Loyalist humanity plus an odd Xeno or Chaos entity ask questions of him. These are supposed to by sorted by Little Kitten and later Magnus as well, but quite a few stupid ones get through to the point that without the aid of the cuddly Centurion, the Emperor's frustration causes Warpstorms which obliterate chunks of the universe.

Others

FUCKING HORUS: Appears in the April Fool's episode, where he breaks into the Emperor's throne room and incapacitates him. The Emperor declares Horus can't win because he's all alone, but says he isn't as he gathered allies while he was clawing his way out of The Warp, all of whom are some of the dead/retconned/obscure characters in the fluff, like; The Beast (An Ork who waged one of the most successful WAAAGH!s in human history), Goge Vandire (The man responsible for the worst chapter in Imperial History after the Horus Heresy), Sindri Myr, the Megarachnids (A footnote insectoid race in the fluff, who were hunted to extinction by the Astartes in the Great Crusade.), the Squats (We all know who they are), Hermann Von Strab (One of the most inept commanders the Imperium has ever seen, who met his end in the 3rd War of Armageddon.), the Old Ones, the Techno-Barbarians of olden Terra, 3ED Old One Eye and SLY MARBOOO *cue explosions*. He subsequently declares himself as the new Emperor. Later appeared for real in the second Q&A in the "Retconnian" with Malal and the Squats, and calms Malal's tantrum like a parent consoling a child.
Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka: Currently beating up the Overfiend of Octarius, as in official lore. It's still unknown where Ghazzy's gonna fit into things, though it will likely be to assemble all Orks into a single Great WAAAGH!!

Cypher: He has a very vague, mysterious plot involving the planet Orior and its STCs. This seems to take place not long after the Ophidium Gulf Crusade Incident, as the Dark Angels managed to locate him by tracking his ship. He also seems to be skilled at disguise, as he just manages to waltz right into the Thunderhawk behind Azrael without any further comment. He's on his way towards Mars with the Dark Angels.
Cegorach: The Laughing God, shown guarding the Black Library. He encounters Ahriman trying to enter and forcefully boots him out after a bit of trolling. For some reason, he has a French accent.
Isha: Despite being a kidnapping victim initially, Isha is now in a relationship with Nurgle. She hates Tzeentch and Slaanesh, mocking the former and encouraging Nurgle to plague the latter.
Gork and Mork (or was it Mork and Gork?): Two dumbfucks who argue with each other in other people's conversations on Spacebook, with Gork not actually knowing he's using the Interwarp and trying to figure out how to use it while already on it.
Khaine: Disappointed and annoyed by all the young Gods around him, sounds like an old man beat-down by life. He mostly hangs out in the warp chat and goes to the gym with Khorne.

Felinids: The ultimate let-down.
Necrons: They appear initially in a mini-episode by Karl. Necrons all speak with low-quality Text to Speech devices, except for the Lords who can afford higher quality devices. Shennanigans ensue when an unnamed Necron Lord discovers that his lowly minions can't pronounce certain things, so now all necrons make roflcopter sounds as their war cries. SOI SOI MOTHERFUCKER
Ground Marines: Introduced as a short spoof episode after the release of Age of Sigmar, a group of Ultramarines determined to bring their superior selves to the service of "other Emperors" enter a portal and come out transformed as Stormcast Eternals, their appearance crushing a small group of Empire Flagellants. Text then appeared expressing condolences for Warhammer Fantasy fans. Although non-canon, its a jab at Games Workshop's need to crowbar Space Marines everywhere (As the Stormcast Eternals largely resemble the Space Marines. Heck, their posterboy group even takes after The Greatest Of Them All with the blue, white, and gold color scheme).
Eliphas The Inheritor: Makes a cameo in the second Q&A episode having sent a letter to the Emperor saying "Dear Corpse Emperor, Furk You." The episode then cuts to him laughing manically thinking he's so clever before the Emperor psychically punches him, promptly shutting him up.
Little Billy: A running gag character in the series. His appearance is a psychic child who made himself a crude power-armor look alike using cardboard boxes, with Alfabusa's grey and blue livery for colors. The gag about him is that Billy is constantly subjected to lethal/traumatizing events, yet still survive to appear again, leading to a joke that he is actually a perpetual. So far he's been: run over by a space marine attack bike, kidnapped and thrown into a Dark Eldar slave pit, and implied to have been molested by Lucius after contacting him using a psychic link and suddenly appearing before him and hammered in the face by a Deathwatch member before almost getting eaten by Tyranids in Behemoth. He's also apparently talked to the High Lords at least once, since the Grand Provost Marshal hallucinates him.
Hobo Guardsman: also known as "Hobo-chan." Like Billy, he exists to be traumatized by the grim darkness of the universe. First he becomes an unwilling recipient of Lucius' charity efforts, that being a sandwich made from "freshly milked daemonette milk", then later he gets harassed by the Adeptus Arbites for adding rat meat to his rations to make them more edible. Fed up with the bullshit, he decides to join Chaos, getting warped away before his planet is destroyed by Exterminatus.
Inquisitor Headsmash: Hangs around on a ship in low orbit waiting for heresy to occur. Has a heavily reinforced Exterminatus button which he gets a LOT of use of it - as the name implies, he hits it repatedly using his head. Has the enviable talent of hearing heresy from orbit.

The Order of The Primarchs Return(?)

During the season 3 intro, the silhouettes of all the primarchs seems to appear in the order they will first enter the show, as the order roughly corresponds with their actual in-series appearances so far.

Rogal Dorn (although we don't find out it's Dorn until after Magnus turns up)
Magnus
Vulkan
Leman Russ
Corvus Corax
Ferrus Manus
Lion El'Jonson
Jaghatai Khan
Angron
Perturabo
Lorgar
Mortarion
Fulgrim
Alpharius ???
Konrad Curze
Roboute Guilliman
Sanguinius
Horus

Trivia

The Emperor's motivation for creating the Human Webway was obtaining Eldar prostitutes, who could take him much better than humans could. The other benefits were an afterthought.
The Emperor is plagued by a phantom-itch (courtesy of Nurgle) which caused his nose to continue itching long after it fell off and rotted out of existence. Tzeentch believes the frustration will cause him to explode, destroying humanity and causing him to become a new Chaos God.
The Emperor likes tacos.
The Emperor believes that Love Can Bloom will result in humans passing STDs onto Eldar, so he condones interspecies romance.
The Emperor's left eye was accidentally poked out by Rogal Dorn's iron halo while attaching him to the Golden Throne (prompting the replacement before the rest of his body decayed). The Emperor intends to somehow resurrect him to punish him for it (though now that's no longer a necessity). Actually, in older depictions of the Emperor's duel with Horus, it is one of the wounds inflicting upon him (he also broke many bones, burned the Emperor's fabulous hairs, poisoned him and a lot of stuff...).
Some of the Emperor's previous personas included Moses and Chris-Chan. Yes, really.
The Emperor's shattered psyche includes knowledge of the 4th wall. This is not always available.
The Emperor created the formula indicating when there is enough dakka. Only he himself and Kitten know it.
The Emperor approves of the Tau in theory, although in practice only those willing to engage in melee. So basically just the Farsight Enclaves.
In fact, the Emperor actually approves of any Xenos that isn't a threat to mankind. Absolute eradication is unnecessary if regulation suffices.
Despite his intentions for the Imperial Truth involve suffocating the Chaos Gods, the Emperor's attempts at atheism are in fact making an actual god of disbelief...according to Magnus.
The Emperor can shape the Astronomicon so that he can flip the bird to the rest of the galaxy.
Has a known hobby: Plays a children's card game (Yu Gi Oh) with a clearly cheesy, overpowered and unfair deck...that, like most cheese, was destroyed as soon as it came across a hard counter. Apparently Emprah still hasn't learnt the lesson about why using OP stuff is a very bad idea.