Imperial Guard

The Imperial Guard are the foot soldiers of the Imperium. They only exist to die gloriously in the Empra's name. Commissars (like Holt and Ciaphas Cain) ensure they do so by shooting anyone who looks like deserting. Though the average Guardsman is only capable of drawing enemy fire and shining a flashlight at their enemies, much more fortunate Guardsmen get to drive the tanks and other armored vehicles fielded by the IG, which proceed to blow their enemies into little chunks from a very long way away.

Overview

It is worth noting that in a universe where the majority of the other armies are either:

Ancient Murdering Robots that wear the flesh of their newest victims
Genetically engineered killing machines
The evil twin brother of the Genetically engineered killing machines, with equally evil goatees
Clad in powered armor
Manipulative dicks in possession of extremely cheesy technology and can jump around making damn accurate shots like Quake players
Highly-advanced space Communists with mecha and god-like firepower
Daemons with a billion tentacles to rape you with
Mutant 10ft tall space monsters with lots of teeth
Able to grow bigger and stronger the more they fight
Some combination of the above

"Welcome to the jungle, we've got fun and games!"

The foot soldiers of the Imperial Guard take to the field equipped with nothing more than the 40k equivalent of flak jackets, glorified laser pointers, and a copy of the Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer (if they have not already used it for toilet paper. Note: it is highly recommended that you do not use it as toilet paper, to prevent BLAMing). Please note that the Lasgun and Flak armor are rather good by modern standards, they're just flashlights and t-shirts compared to the automatic mini-rocket launchers and power armor everyone else uses. This means they have balls of steel (as in Duke Nukem would say, "Holy shit! I thought I had balls of steel!"). Examples of Guardsmen going above and beyond this, demonstrating the possession of testicles so massive they should be deployed in battle as a separate unit, are plentiful; Ollanius Pius is one such Guardsman, standing up to fucking Horus himself; the original Dawn of War features the Blood Ravens running into a pair of Guardsmen who have held their position, without support, in the middle of a combined Chaos/Ork/Eldar invasion, for more than a week; Dawn of War II has Guardsmen rescued in an earlier mission returning in the finale to provide infantry support while the Blood Ravens launch an attack on a fucking Tyranid hive. These same guardsmen (led by the ever awesome Sergeant Merrick) SURVIVE the suicidal mission and fight on for TEN MORE YEARS against the remnants of the Tyranids/Orks/Eldar. Although the average front line Guardsman is highly unlikely to survive his first deployment, veteran soldiers are considered to be some of the manliest motherfuckers the Imperium has to offer, putting even the fucking SPESS MEHRENS to a billion shames. One disturbing thing is that if the tactics of the Imperial Guard were improved from WWI style warfare (overuse of artillery and mass charges against machine guns and tanks) and updated to modern style warfare (such as taking cover and using air/armor/support) the Imperial Guard could become the most feared army in the Universe but NO that's not grimdark enough! And that's the Tau's tactic Please refer to page 41 (Various types of cover, and their correct usage) of the Imperial Infantryman's uplifting primer. What's that? You dont have it on you?!*BLAM* Dan Abnett's work and their latest edition turned them into Gods of Mechanized War and yet, they still suck compared to 8 feet tall Daemonic killing machines with chainaxes. To be fair, though, that's much like comparing a sedan to a tank. I mean, how are you NOT supposed to suck against things that will slice through meter thick steel armor like so much cheese?

It may sound harsh, but the cold, hard truth of the matter is that the lowest currency in the Imperium is human life. For example, in the modern day commanders would willingly sacrifice say... one tank to save one soldier (as long as the crew doesn't die), because of all that 'life matters most' crap. In 40k, however, the tank is worth over 9000 guardsmen. They are actually worth less than the lasgun they carry and the flak armour on their back.

Human life is so worthless in the Imperium because there are so many of them. A bit of maths, if you will. There are 32,380 Hive Worlds in the Imperium. The average population of these worlds is around 200 billion each. We put these together and we get 6.476E15 (6,476,000,000,000,000,000 or 6.476 quintillion or 6.476 billion billion) people on Hive worlds ALONE. So now you see why humans are worth so little. But this also means that once they get their ass in gear and onto the battlefield, ~~they ALWAYS win, because~~ they have all but unlimited manpower and resources, compare it to water bashing against rocks. Sure, a few gallons won't do jack, but countless billions of tonnes crashing down on it WILL destroy it in a surprisingly short amount of time. (Do keep in mind, it's not like they commit quintillions of troops to one battle. The Imperium frequently has to withdraw, but it's like saying "We lost the battle, BUT NOT THE WAR!")

In fact it is point-blank stated numerous times that guardsmen are way less important than the gear on their backs. The Death Korp of Krieg have a specific guy who runs around battlefields shooting the wounded and collecting their gear. In fact, the Death Korp practically demand their own section in the grimdark record book for having by far the single most depressing backstory and current history. Their home world rebeled some 500+ years into the past, but one guard officer stayed loyal and nuked the ever living fuck out of the planet, thus evening the odds enough for his side to triumph after a mere five centuries of grinding attritional warfare. During this period the entire planet went underground and they started doing some weird and just fucking horrible things to their women-folk to get them breeding new men ASAP. They developed a frankly terrifying version of the imperial religion, where the only possible thing you can aspire to is dying painfully for the emperor. How you gunna fight that ? Eventually they reclaimed the planet. And then the bureaucrats that run the Imperium showed up and said 'So you've not been paying your taxes these past few hundred years...'. But it was ok, because now instead of fighting the other guys on Krieg, they just sent out every man possible to fight in the most hazardous wars possible. And kept doing the aforementioned fucking horrible things to their women for no particular reason. Life expectancy in Krieg regiments is extremely fucking low. Promotion is through survival alone. If you survive as an infantryman, you get to be a grenadier and holy fuck if you though you were expendable before, you ain't seen nothing yet. The grenadiers lead every attack, and stop calling each other by name because there's no point. They consider themselves as already dead. Then if you survive that, you get to be a sergeant. And thence off to officerhood. Once you make general, you MIGHT actually live, but before then you are expected to be in the leading rank of the infantry. Oh and the most recent success of the Death Korp? Siege of Vraks. Expected casualties: 10 million, expected time to victory 12 years. Actual casualties: MUCH higher. And the fucking grey fucking knights showed up 10 minutes before the close and stole all the glory. Bastards.

Notable Figures of the Imperial Guard

Ciaphas Cain - HERO OF THE IMPERIUM (Charming Commissar in the Harry Flashman tradition.)
Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt - (Stallone + Rambo + 40,000kg of awesome) Main protagonist of Gaunt's Ghosts, and the REAL (but undeservedly obscure) hero of the Imperium!!!
Commissar Yarrick - Old one-eye. Saviour of Armageddon, twice.
Commissar Holt - Awesome cinematics are awesome, from Warhammer 40,000: Final Liberation.
Commissar Dan - "But Commissar Dan says we're on a blaze for glory run".
Commissar Fuklaw - Currently in service with the Angry Marines.
Commissar Raege - Currently trolling faggoty Space Marines.
General Sturnn - Manly damn old son of a bitch, from Dawn of War: Winter Assault. Struggles with grammar.
Ollanius Pius - The catalyst for the Emperor finally ~~slaying~~ erasing Horus out of existence. (No longer canon, which is BULLSHIT! Though he DOES still exist as a Saint of the IG. No worries, IG /tg/ is keeping his story alive.)
Vance Motherfucking Stubbs - Another manly bastard, famous for "losing" 100 Baneblades.
Colonel "I ate a Miral landshark for breakfast" Straken - Yet another manly fucker and another solid contender for biggest balls in the Imperial Guard.
Knight Commander Pask - A Leman Russ tank ace that has destroyed Titans and Gargants. With a Leman Russ.
Colonel Greiss - Straken's former commander and proof that the manliest fuckers the Imperial Guard have aren't necessarily the biggest.
Lord Castellan Usarkar E. Creed - Famous for outflanking enemies with Titans. Must have been the work of some sort of tactical geniu-CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!
Johnny Bravo - OK, he isn't really. But it would be awesome.
Merrick - Tough bastard who survived a Tyranid Invasion, a Chaos uprising, ten years of nonstop combat, and putting a gun to his superior's head. Also fucking strong, since he can carry an entire heavy weapons setup on his own.
Sly Marbo ...by time you have read this... you are already dead...
Techpriests - All of them. Want to repair your own tank, do you? HERE'S THE FUCKING MANUAL. By the way, it's Heresy to do it yourself.
Miranda "Mira" Nero - Notable for being a rare female junior officer in charge of an entire defense group, and damn hard. Whenever her troops fight alongside Captain Titus, they never fall back.
Lord Commander Solar Macharius - A useless motherfucker from the Second Edition Codex: Imperial Guard who would habitually screw up your entire battle plan since he rolled for his strategy rating on a D6 (which decided who got the first turn) and 4-6 would stop you firing your army-fucking pre-battle barrage. On a 6 you also had to put everything you had in reserve on the table. He also had no model and the fluff gave no idea what he looked like.

Main Advantages of Fielding an Imperial Guard Army

Shit loads of men to throw around the battlefield
BASILISKS
BANEBLADES
MANTICORES
LEMAN RUSSES
*BLAM*
Titans acting as scouts.
Reasonable prices for vehicles.
Tank Squadrons.
The first and best Flak Tank.
Commissar Yarrick
Cool looking models and plenty of variety to choose from.
Standard issue adamantium balls.
YOU COULD NOT POSSIBLY FORGET THAT YOUR GUYS FIELD THE BEST TANKS OF THE GAME, RIGHT?
VANQUISHERS, FUCK YOU BLUE SKINNED PANZIES
Cheap, expendable soldiers that die in the millions to take one planet. Grimdark is it not?
Oh and did we mention the FUCK HUGE NUMBER OF CHEAP EXPENDABLE SOLDIERS? Just making sure you understand.

Downsides to being a Guardsman

While your local propaganda might say that being in the guard is the most honorable thing you could ever get into, there are some downsides to being one. Here is a small list of reasons why it's not always the best idea to join the Imperial Guard:

You will die in the line of duty and no-one but your family and friends will remember you unless you've done something that only a Space Marine could do in combat or save an important Imperial figure.
You're expendable.
Your Commissar might execute you to make your squadmates fight harder.
Unless you're in a special forces division like the Kasrkin, you're really just a meatshield in large scale assaults.
Your standard weapon is a laser pointer and you have armor that's been outdated since 1944.
Your standard weapon replaced the Autogun because the Munitorium decided effective weapons were too much to ask for.
Even you can't die when you want to.
Even your own allies want to kill you.
You might be: mutilated, eaten alive, sacrificed for the Chaos Gods, disemboweled, left for dead, tortured for fun by xenos, mutants, heretics and zealots.
You cannot think differently as it's heresy.
You will be sent into hopeless situations and your superiors expect you to fight without retreating or showing cowardice.
You may be used as mine clearance. By being forced to march through the minefield.
Space Marines always take the credit
You will be taken from your home planet and dropped on the other side of the universe to fight in a war you didn't know existed.
You will NEVER see your home planet again unless you are stationed there. In which case it is likely under siege by yet another one of the Imperium's foes, and will likely remain so for the remainder of your short life.

Play Style

The Imperial Guard are notorious for their SIGAOD methodology; that is, Shooty Imperial Guard Army Of Doom for the less than nerdy. The basic lasguns are downright pathetic, but can still be effective if used en masse. The effect is a little like how medieval archers could still be a threat to fully armored knights. It only takes one lucky shot and they don't stop shooting until they get lucky. Of course, the only reason this works is because the Imperial Guard has literally billions of Guardsmen and a limitless supply of lasguns. They have so many men that they have to employ commissars to shoot the most cowardly one in a bunch. This kind of works out, since the armor they wear is only resistant to the gun they use (so basically, the only thing worse than their armor is their own guns).

There are three principle IG vehicles of note. First is the Chimera, which is basically a troop transport with a turret. Its armor is aluminum and it is not particularly fast, but it's cheap and the passengers can still shoot while inside. The second vehicle is the iconic Leman Russ Battle Tank. It is in every way a solid, dependable, warhorse. Everything from the optional heavy sponsons, to the BFG on the turret, to the completely exposed engine in the rear. Apparently, they ran out of badass when they designed it. The last vehicle of note is the Basilisk. Apparently, some tech-priest decided to take a Chimera, rip off the turret and troop compartment and replace it with the biggest piece of artillery he could find. Unfortunately, there weren't any Titan legions nearby so he settled for the Earthshaker cannon. The Earthshaker is far more powerful than even the BFG they stuck on the Leman Russ and has twice the range. No WH40k game has been played where a target has been out of range of the Basilisk.

In summary, the Imperial Guard wins by having firepower, cannon fodder, and lots of both.

Memorable Quotations

- "When in doubt, throw more men at it."

- "That which I cannot crush with words alone, I shall crush with the tanks of the Imperial Guard!"

- "You don't die until I say so!"

- "Glory to the first man to die! CHARGE!!!"

- "Yes, you shall die when assaulting a well maintained fortress under a competent commander. But at least strive to make your death useful." (Paraphrased)

- "We go beyond the emperor's light. To the darkest reaches in the galaxy. Good thing we brought our flashlights!"

- "To each of us falls a task, and all the Emperor requires of us Guardsmen is that we stand the line, and we die fighting. It is what we do best: We die standing." --General Sturnn, Dawn of War: Winter Assault[1]

- "All right men! TIME TO WAGE TO WAR!" --Sturnn

-Infantry wins firefights, tanks win battles, artillery wins wars.

-"A Guardsman's LIFE is to die. My job has always been to send them where they CAN die. I'm not afraid to spend men, but I never waste them!" --General Castor

A Piece of Writefaggotry That Explains the Imperial Guard

At the end of the day, though he's been ferried through Space Hell on a ship that's four thousand years old to his destination, though he deployed from high orbit with a grav chute, though he is one of ten million men raised from his homeworld to fight a war he barely understands, though he has been given a weapon that fires miniature suns and might annihilate him when he fires it because no-one knows how it works anymore, though his company is supported by tractor-tanks that run on anything you can burn, though he wages war against a devouring hivemind, space demons or a group of space communists...

...a Guardsman is a man, just like you, though he grew up in another culture. He has no millennia-old genetic engineering, no prophetic leader, no miracles of faith. He has his lasgun, his orders, his fellow soldiers, and a set of adamantium balls.

And he will hold the line.

The Imperial Guard's anthem

While the Ecclesiarchy and several, if not all, Chapters of Space Marines look down upon the frivolities of music (unless said music is sung in somberly in High Gothic and praises the Emperor) as distracting to any soldier in carrying out his Divine Duty, the Imperial Guard still makes heavy use of marching themes and anthems. Examples are given below:

[2] - Baleeted no longer
[3] - (none of that faggy 'mercan shite)(It's pronounced 'Merican)
[4] - A marching song that most Training worlds use to this day.
[5] - Standard cadence song sung by veteran units.
[6] - Rumored to be used by Praetorian Guard Regiments.
[7] - Again, a rumored anthem.
[8] - This is sung by extremely hardcore and grim regiments, is rumored to have originated from Krieg.
[9] - Sung at the funerals of the nameless heroes
[10] - Rumored to be used by the Men of Tanith
[11] - Sung by many of the Imperial armored regiments
[12] - National Anthem of the Valhallan Ice Warriors

Notable Imperial Guard Forces

Because GW was too lazy to create an original themed Imperial Guard army, they basically used RL armies as a base for them, gave them a little touch of Grimdark, assorted amounts of tempered ceramite balls and placed them..........IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!

Cadian Shock Troops World-War-Two-Allies-With-A-Modern-Aesthetic, mainly Canada (IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!)
Catachan Jungle Fighters John Rambo's clones... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! GOOD MORNING CATACHAN!
Tallarn Desert Raiders BEDOUINS... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! EMPRAHU-A-AKBAR!!
Armageddon Steel Legion Wehrmacht Mechanized Divisions... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! FÜR DEN IMPERATOR, FEUER FREI!
Valhallan Ice Warriors Soviet Red Army... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! AAAH MOTHERLAND! NOT ONE STEP BACK!
Mordian Iron Guard Prussians and Napoleonites... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! I TRY TO BE A SOLDIER AND A HALF!
Death Korps of Krieg WWI Western Front... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! OVER THE TOP!
Vostroyan Firstborn Russian Cossacks IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! FUCK THY MOTHER IN THE NAME OF EMPEROR!
Elysian Drop Troops French Elite Paratroopers, IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! VIVE L'EMPEREUR!!! ( Dien Bien Phu = Hydro Plant 23 - 30 on Taros )
Tanith First (And Only) Celtics... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!
Attilan Rough Riders The Huns... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!
Savlar Chem-Dogs Vietnam War US Tunnel Rats (and a bit of Mad Max PA Raiders)... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!
Drookian Fen Guard Scottish Tartan Army... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!
Praetorian Guards (The British Empire IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! GUARDSMEN NEEEEVVERRRR YIELD!) (ever seen Zulu? Like that)