Oreck Sweep Saver Cordless Vacuum

The following article is a /tg/ related story or fanfic. Should you continue, expect to find tl;dr and an occasional amount of awesome.

So for a little background into this one, guys.

There are parts of the internet no one likes to go, where Bronies (those fans of My Little Pony), who are already disliked among members of the internet community, engage in roleplay of pastel-colored ponies over Internet Relay Chat (IRC).

There are darker parts of the internet where those people engage in erotic roleplay with these ponies.

I sometimes get invited to Erotic Role Play (ERP) with people as my OC. I won't lie. It happens that I have been sitting in one such channel just watching, mostly, because, hell, I'm a screwed up person and I just don't give a shit what others think.

Well, anyway, I was sitting in this channel and this one guy, BEN, started harassing another player, Fluttershyy, by threatening her with a large bronze statue that was going to rape her or something (I totally wasn't really paying attention) but I was bored and decided to step in with my OC, BigFlame.

I decided I didn't care if anypony thought I was being overpowered or trolling, I was gonna show people exactly how much of a mess you can make in a freeform RP.

[21:00] * Fluttershyy screams and covers her ears and closes her eyes "MAKE IT STOP!!)

[21:00] * BigFlame turns and glares, his horn flaring with intense, flaming energy, as he raises (with his special talent, of course, beiing heat and flames) the statue's temperature to a balmy 1,742 degrees fahrenheit, the exact melting point of Bronze. He laughs at the statue slowly begins to melt, spilling all over the floor, and even goes so far and to walk over to the puddle of molten bronze and trot through it, walking back out with a nice pair of new bronze horseshoes. he looks at the skull kid. "So. You were saying?"

[21:01] * Fluttershyy "you..you..shouldn't have done that.."

[21:02] * BEN out of the melted puddle that was the statue suddenly eminates a vile, noxous black mist. It floats to the ceiling, circling them for a moment as the skull kid's laugh gets louder, and then immediately charges for Fluttershy, dissipating into her

Whut. This guy pulls stuff out of his ass, apparently, in his quest to screw over other players. No problem, two can play at that game.

[21:05] * BigFlame dives, realizing that BEN had misspelled her name, thus giving him an extra few seconds to act according to the Internation Pony Roleplayers Summit of 1955. With these extra few seconds, the red unicorn downs a can of Red Buffalo, eats a bagel with cream cheese, read a newspaper and then dives, headlong, into the cloud of mist to prevent it from going into Fluttershyy.

[21:11] * BEN is thrown out of the yellow pegasus pony, the mist flying out of the window for a moment, before flying back in and charging at BigFlame.

[21:12] * Fluttershyy screams "BigFlame watch out!"

I'm not sure what this guy was doing, but He was starting to be a big dick to everyone and I decided this was the moment to show him who's boss. I opened up my google page, made some clicks, and then:

[21:16] * BigFlame reaches under the couch, his hooves scrambling to find what he's looking for. The mist come closer, and closer, and the unicorn widens his eyes as he feels the warm darkness closing in around him. He lets out a whimper, his hoof searching, and then it lands upon the one thing he might possibly be able to save himself with. He closes his hoof around the handle, and flips the switch, pulling the Oreck Speed Sweep Cordless Vacuum. He turns the vacuum on, beginning to suck up the cloud of black mist, and turns to Fluttershyy with a smile. "With the Oreck Speed Sweep Cordless Vacuum, you can make fast work of floor cleaning without any cords getting in the way! Weighing only 7 lbs., this cordless vacuum is easy and convenient to use just about anywhere. The Speed Sweep cordless vacuum has a handle that extends and retracts for storage, and a simple button release lets you detach the hand-held vac to go where the floor vacuum can't. The Oreck Speed Sweep Cordless Vacuum also has an easy-empty dirt cup, so there are no expensive replacement bags to buy!"

[21:18] * BigFlame looks at the camera. "To order yours, call the phone number on your screen or go to ORECK.COM!"

There was a long pause.

[21:25] * BEN remains sealed in the vacum for some time, until, suddenly, the chamber begins to shake. Abruptly, the mist quickly flies out of the hose, and out the open window as the skull kid screams into the night "You shouldn't have done that..."

[21:26] * BigFlame laughs heartily, having conquered. he look at the camera and winks. "That's right folks, with the Oreck Brand Speed Sweep Corless Vacuum, you, too, can conquer evil. order yours today!"

[21:27] * VinylDerp calls the number

Vinyl is played by the channel owner, knew BEN was a huge dick, wanted in on the fun. I wanted to see how far I could push this nonsense and see if I could get BEN to leave through sheer ridiculousness. I opened a second browser and logged into the channel under another name.

[21:19] * PhoneyPony (Flame@xxx.xxx.xxx) has joined

[21:19] <PhoneyPony> "Thanks for calling ORECK! How can I help you today?"

[21:20] * VinylDerp "I need a new vaccum"

[21:21] <PhoneyPony> "Well, you've called the right place, sugar plum. Are you interested in our Oreck Speed Sweep Cordless Vacuum?"

[21:21] * VinylDerp gasps "Why yes I am actually"

[21:26] * VinylDerp yawns "Oh sorry...you need to convince me more"

[21:27] * PhoneyPony chuckles. "Well, of course. The Oreck Speed Sweep Cordless Vacuum features a powerful rechargeable motor for quick pickup cleaning. This cordless vacuum adjusts automatically to clean any surface! The Handle retracts to make the Oreck Speed Sweep Cordless Vacuum easier to store!"

[21:29] * PhoneyPony giggles. "Just listen to these paid testimonials!"

I then logged on with as many clients as the network would let me log on as.

[21:29] * RandomPony (Flame@xxx.xxx.xxx) has joined #channel

[21:30] * AnotherRandomPony (Flame@xxx.xxx.xxx) has joined #channel

[21:30] * Random-Pony-Bot (Flame@xxx.xxx.xxx) has joined #channel

[21:30] <RandomPony> "The Oreck Speed Sweep Cordless Vacuum is fantastic for a half-demon like me, because it saves me time and money."

[21:30] <AnotherRandomPony> "I love this vacuum, darling! it's just WONDERFUL!"

[21:30] <Random-Pony-Bot> "EVEN AS A BOT I FIND THIS VACUUM SATISFACTORY"

[21:31] * RandomPony (Flame@xxx.xxx.xxx) has left #channel

[21:30] * AnotherRandomPony (Flame@xxx.xxx.xxx) has left #channel

[21:30] * Random-Pony-Bot (Flame@xxx.xxx.xxx) has left #channel ("")

The response was great.

[21:30] <BEN> wtf

[21:30] <VinylDerp> XD

I continued my sales pitch without a thought.

[21:31] <PhoneyPony> "See? You should buy one too."

[21:31] * VinylDerp gives PhoneyPony her bank account number. "I'll take twenty"!!!

[21:32] * PhoneyPony empties VinylDerp's bank account. "Twenty of them are on the way!"

[21:34] * PhoneyPony personally delivers 20 Oreck Speed Sweep Cordless Vacuums.

[21:34] * VinylDerp gives PhoneyPony a tip of 1000 bits and squees in delight "I cant wait to use ALL of them"

[21:34] * PhoneyPony giggles. "I'm so glad you gave us all of your money. You'll be SO happy with these vacuums."

[21:35] * VinylDerp blushes "I sure hope so"

[21:38] * VinylDerp looks at PhoneyPony for a long time. "I get a free fuck with my purchase of fifteen or more vacuums."

[21:39] * PhoneyPony turns around and lifts her tail. "Have at it."

At this point I wanted to make it as weird as I could.

[21:43] * PhoneyPony licks her lips and flips on two of the vacuums, extending the hoses to cover VinylDerp's nipples, each hose gently sucking on each teat.

[21:52] * PhoneyPony shrugs. "Okeydoke, go for it. As long as you, the customer, are happy, then I, too, am happy..." She turns back around and lifts her tail leaning on the pile of Oreck Speed Sweep Cordless Vacuums.

[21:54] * VinylDerp smiles and trots closer to PhoneyPony putting her hooves on the mares shoulders, she begins to softly nibble on her neck

[21:54] * PhoneyPony sighs softly. "That feels nice."

[21:55] * VinylDerp smiles and looks up at her "you havnt seen anything yet" she brings of her her hooves down to PhoneyPony's marehood gently massaging the clit as she bites down a little harder

At this point I opened up oreck.com again and started copy-pasting.

[21:57] * VinylDerp giggles and bites hard on one part of her neck drawing a small ammount of blood, she licks at the wound and brings her hoof even farther down to PhoneyPony's marehood pushing her lips apart.

[21:59] * PhoneyPony sighs and groans slightly as her marehood is massaged, thinking fondly of the sheer vacuum power of the Oreck Speed Sweep Cordless Vacuums. The ingenious 2-in-1 design of the Oreck Speed Sweep gives you the advantage of a powerful floor vacuum with a removable handheld vac, all in one sleek, modern unit.

[22:00] <BEN> ?

[22:01] * PhoneyPony lets out a soft moan, her lips being split by the tip of the hoof. She gyrates her hips back slightly into the touch, as she swivels her neck very slowly, just like the swiveling head of the Oreck Speed Sweep Cordless Vacuum, which also converts into a hand held vac ready to go where the floor vac can’t. The powerful suction motor and low noise fan makes for quiet cordless operation, and the Speed Sweep adjusts automatically to clean any surface.

Yes, you read that right. Feel free to read it again.

[22:02] <VinylDerp> (XD IVE NEVER LAUGHED SO HARD AT AN ERP BEFORE)

[22:03] * VinylDerp cant breathe he's laughing so hard

[22:05] * PhoneyPony grinds her hips back into VinylDerp's hoof, sighing and moaning in pleasure, leaning on the pile of Oreck Speed Sweep Cordless Vacuums and crying out in ecstasy, "The rechargeable two-motor system with revolving agitator brush and geared belt drive is great for quick pickup cleaning on all surfaces. And there’s no cord to plug in or interfere with movement! "

[22:05] <VinylDerp> XD STOP IT HURTS

[22:06] <BEN> dafaq

[22:06] * VinylDerp sucks at the wound on her neck enjoying the taste of the mares blood, she rubs PhoneyPony's marehood faster as she reaches down and rubs her own

Now at this point you must admire how much this player takes in stride. I mean, let's be fair. You're playing an ERP with someone who is spouting advertisements. You might as well be fucking Billy Mays at this point.

[22:07] * PhoneyPony groans in pleasure, the soft sucking on her neck so reminiscent of an Oreck Sweep Saver Cordless Vacuum. She starts to call out sexy things to her lover, demanding more and more: "No cord to get in the way! Lightweight and easy to use! Attachments include crevice tool and upholstery brush!"

[22:07] <BEN> foreveralone.jpg

[22:09] <Fluttershyy> omg lol I have never laughed this fucking hard xD

[22:11] * PhoneyPony grinds back against the hoof and yelps in pleasure, her marehood soft and wet and her body pulsing with pleasure, electricity running through her as if she, like the Oreck Sweep Saver Cordless Vacuum, had an external and rechargable battery pack.

[22:11] <VinylDerp> OMFG

[22:11] <VinylDerp> it hurts so much

And then, the best moment...

[22:13] * PhoneyPony can take it no more, and groans loudly, her hips rocking back and forth as her mind is awash with pleasure and ecstacy, she calls out the one thing on her mind as her marehood leaks fluids all over her lover's hoof: "Great for quick pickup cleaning! Sleek, modern design! Charger and rechargeable Nickel-metal hydride battery included! 1-year limited warrantEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!" She screams out the last word and comes hard.

[22:16] * PhoneyPony gently grips the box containing an Oreck Sweep Saver Cordless Vacuum, and sighs, her fluids leaking all over VinylDerp. She looks back at the mare and grins. "Some limitations apply. For details, see warranty in product users guides."

The reactions were wonderful.

[22:17] <VinylDerp> I'm almost choking on my pop....IT CAME OUT MY NOSE!!!

[22:17] <Fluttershyy> oh god xD

[22:17] <VinylDerp> IT BURRRNSSS

[22:18] <Fluttershyy> I can't breathe right now

[22:18] <Fluttershyy> XD

[22:18] <Fluttershyy> Phonypony=funniest pony ever

[22:19] <VinylDerp> I agree

This was a great and hilarious thing, but my task was not complete. I then saw the following on my screen...

[21:23] * BEN (Nick@xxx.xxx.xxx) Quit ("You guys are sick")

I was victorious.

[22:20] * PhoneyPony lowers her tail and pulls away. "Well, I'm off. Good night." She trots off, happy to have made a decent commission selling these Oreck Sweep Saver Cordless Vacuums. Order yours today at http://www.oreck.com/Cordless-2-in-1-Speed-Sweep !

I then left the channel.