Vampire

These guys suck. Blood mostly, but whatever.

An overrated, over-glorified "race" that emo fags love, and at times the entertainment industry circle jerks to.

And now they sparkle, according to Twilight. Hooray for sparkly vampires...

They used to be badass motherfuckers, but then emo teens started to pretend that they were vampires until it stopped meaning "Dark Creature of the Night, Here to Devour your Soul", and started meaning "Faggot".

If you want vampires in their original, non-emo bad ass form, check out Warhammer Fantasy Battle.

History of Vampires

Ancient Vampires

In ancient cultures, there weren't any creatures called "vampires" or any word that roughly translates to "vampire"; however, stories were told of demons and spirits that drank blood or ate flesh. Even the devil was directly associated with the eating of flesh and drinking of blood, and the gods and goddesses of some cultures were credited with these activities. The Persians were one of the first civilizations to have tales of blood-drinking demons: creatures attempting to drink blood from men were depicted on excavated pottery shards. Ancient Babylonia had tales of the mythical Lilitu, synonymous with and giving rise to Lilith (Hebrew לילית) and her daughters the Lilu from Hebrew demonology. Lilitu was considered a demon and was often depicted as subsisting on the blood of babies. However, the Jewish counterparts were said to feast on both men and women, as well as newborns.

Medieval and European Vampires

Many of the myths surrounding vampires originated during the medieval period. The 12th century English historians and chroniclers Walter Map and William of Newburgh recorded accounts of revenants, though records in English legends of vampiric beings after this date are scant. These tales are similar to the later folklore widely reported from Eastern Europe in the 18th century and were the basis of the vampire legend that later entered Germany and England, where they were subsequently embellished and popularized.

During the 18th century, there was a frenzy of vampire sightings in Eastern Europe, with frequent stakings and grave diggings to identify and kill the potential revenants; even government officials engaged in the hunting and staking of vampires. Despite being called the Age of Enlightenment, during which most folkloric legends were quelled, the belief in vampires increased dramatically, resulting in a mass hysteria throughout most of Europe. The panic began with an outbreak of alleged vampire attacks in East Prussia in 1721 and in the Habsburg Monarchy from 1725 to 1734, which spread to other localities. Two famous vampire cases, the first to be officially recorded, involved the corpses of Peter Plogojowitz and Arnold Paole from Serbia. Plogojowitz was reported to have died at the age of 62, but allegedly returned after his death asking his son for food. When the son refused, he was found dead the following day. Plogojowitz supposedly returned and attacked some neighbours who died from loss of blood. In the second case, Paole, an ex-soldier turned farmer who allegedly was attacked by a vampire years before, died while haying. After his death, people began to die in the surrounding area and it was widely believed that Paole had returned to prey on the neighbours. Another famous Serbian legend involving vampires concentrates around certain Sava Savanović living in a watermill and killing and drinking blood from millers. The folklore character was later used in a story written by Serbian writer Milovan Glišić and in the Serbian 1973 horror film Leptirica inspired by the story.

The two incidents were well-documented: government officials examined the bodies, wrote case reports, and published books throughout Europe. The hysteria, commonly referred to as the "18th-Century Vampire Controversy", raged for a generation. The problem was exacerbated by rural epidemics of so-claimed vampire attacks, undoubtedly caused by the higher amount of superstition that was present in village communities, with locals digging up bodies and in some cases, staking them. Although many scholars reported during this period that vampires did not exist, and attributed reports to premature burial or rabies, superstitious belief increased. Dom Augustine Calmet, a well-respected French theologian and scholar, put together a comprehensive treatise in 1746, which was ambiguous concerning the existence of vampires. Calmet amassed reports of vampire incidents; numerous readers, including both a critical Voltaire and supportive demonologists, interpreted the treatise as claiming that vampires existed. In his Philosophical Dictionary, Voltaire wrote:

"These vampires were corpses, who went out of their graves at night to suck the blood of the living, either at their throats or stomachs, after which they returned to their cemeteries. The persons so sucked waned, grew pale, and fell into consumption; while the sucking corpses grew fat, got rosy, and enjoyed an excellent appetite. It was in Poland, Hungary, Silesia, Moravia, Austria, and Lorraine, that the dead made this good cheer."

The controversy only ceased when Empress Maria Theresa of Austria sent her personal physician, Gerard van Swieten, to investigate the claims of vampiric entities. He concluded that vampires did not exist and the Empress passed laws prohibiting the opening of graves and desecration of bodies, sounding the end of the vampire epidemics. Despite this condemnation, the vampire lived on in artistic works and in local superstition.

Modern Vampires

In the late 1800s, Vampires were still widely regarded to be nasty little weirdos like Nosferatu, creeping around in the night looking freakish and completely the opposite of sexy. But then- along came Bram Stoker and Dracula the suave lady's man, and the Vampire's descent into sparkly Marty Stu-dom began. Lady-types developed a metaphorical hard-on for vampires, and vampires supposedly got literal hard-ons for ladies until 1976, when Anne Rice published the first book in her series, the Vampire Chronicles. After this, Vampires got really, really gay, and weren't nearly as interested in sucking blood as they were in sucking cocks. The newly-gay cock-sucking vampires began to attract the attention of teenagers who were overweight, ugly, socially inept, plagued with acne, or any combination of these traits and birthed the Goth subculture. Goths continue to drink clamato juice from plastic Halloween goblets, dress up like gay vampires, and whine endlessly about how they supposedly hate life to this very day. At this point, vampires still had the whole "promiscuity" thing going for them; that is, they did until Stephanie Meyer Decided to write Twilight so she and other Christfags would have a Vampire Abstinence porno they could fap to without angering Jesus. With this, vampires reached their current state of immense glittery faggotry and became the universally-mocked, emotionally-abusive teen heartthrobs they are today.

Future Vampires

Several chapters of the space marines drink blood. -Blood Drinkers (shocking, right?) -Blood Ravens (They need the DMT, so yes, they get high off of blood.) -Flesh eaters (crappy Blood Drinkers) -Angry marines (They stabbed Eward Cullen, ripped out his eyes, and shit down his neck)