Ye Gods
A story about what the Gods in 40k get up to on their off days. Created by Khor'neth. Feel free to disregard as you see fit. This was done purely for the LOLZ. Tzeentch, watch and weep!
Chapter 1: The Chaos Gods[edit | edit source]
Part 1: Khorne
The Blood God, Lord of Battles, the angriest dickbag in all of the galaxy was unhappy. Well, he was ALWAYS unhappy in the angry sense, but right now, his anger was bubbling away below the surface. Right now, he was just morose.
'SKULLTAKER!' he yelled, shaking the bloodstained ground and causing some lesser Bloodletters to drop their weapons. 'ANY LUCK YET?!' 'No, Lord!' the Skulltaker replied. 'We cannot pierce the veil of time. It constantly eludes us. Ancient Terra is closed to your bloodied touch!' 'FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-' Khorne yelled, a cry that echoed through all four realms, startling Nurgle from dozing and Isha in her cage, Slaanesh from doing whatever she was up to (I'm calling Slaanesh a she for the purposes of this story, and besides, do you REALLY want to know what she was up to? Thought not-) and Tzeentch from his endless derping around in front of his Sight Crystal. The other three Ruinous Powers gazed in the direction of the Brass Citadel for a few seconds. They had rarely heard Khorne's voice with such an undercurrent of stress and a hint of despair, which started Nurgle thinking and Tzeentch plotting- AGAIN.
'FUCKING DAMN IT TO THE WARP, WHY? WHY DOES PRE-HUMAN TERRA ELUDE MEEEEEEEE!' Khorne yelled out in frustration. Khaine heard it, but thought better of it- better to let the kid do what he was doing- a confrontation was not going to end well.
Just then, a Bloodthirster roared that the mists of the Warp were clearing, and that the Veil of Time was revealed. Khorne wasted no seconds in grabbing his axe and cleaving the Veil in twain, revealing Prehistoric Terra to him. Knowing that there were but a short few seconds before the Veil healed itself, Khorne reached through on to Terra and grabbed a large, scaly, two-legged beast overflowing with testosterone and bloodlust. He yanked it back to the Brass Citadel and the Throne of Skulls before the Veil closed with a sound like worlds colliding. Now the other three Powers really did take notice- it sounded like Khorne had just got himself something that he was particularly pleased about, something large and vicious. This may cause a problem, the three decided. In his Rotting Mansion, Nurgle mumbled 'Aw, bubonic balls- and just when I was thinking of helping him out too. Still, might as well go see what his new toy is anyways.'
Tzeentch, Changer of Ways and Architect of Fate, couldn't believe what he was seeing- the Sight Crystal had gone dark! Whatever Khorne had grabbed from Ancient Terra eluded his notice! He stormed from the Hidden Library in the mindset that if what Khorne had had darkened the Warp so, it was probably something worth seeing- or better yet, worth having as his own.
Slaanesh looked up from the Daemonettes she was screwing with towards the towering fortress. My, my, she thought to herself, but doesn't the Special K seem happy now! I MUST see what his faaaabulous new toy is for myself. Yes, this might be veeery interesting! She swept forth from the Palace of Pleasure with utmost speed, little knowing what Khorne really had as a new servant.
Khorne gazed upon his prize with a kind of savage joy. An adult male Tyrannosaurus rex, seemingly big even for his kind, with teeth like steak knives, just the way Khorne liked them- best for ripping and tearing. Khorne looked upon his prize, as frightened as the male was- it had, after all, just been pulled into an entirely new place with a lot of hostile things surrounding it- you would be scared too. Tine, the Blod God thought, to correct that. He reached down and punched one of his fingers through the animal's skull, instantly changing its colouration to flaming crimson and causing it to double in size (it was now 30 metres long, weighing 20 tons). Its arms grew longer and more heavily muscled, armed with wickedly sharp and jagged claws just as horns and razor- sharp bone growths began to sprout all over its body, and its teeth began to protrude from between what lips a T-Rex has. Soon, the thing that was Khorne's newest attack dog was recognisable as a Tyrannosaurus, but looked even more brutal, muscly and vicious, primal savagery not only personified, but distilled, rage-pure. Khorne was pleased. Oh yes, he was VERY pleased.
It was at this point that the other Chaos Gods entered the throne-room. Khorne, instead of brandishing his axe, or even roaring a challenge, simply looked at his new pet, which let out a deep, thunderous roar that cracked the ground and made Lesser Daemons retreat. It roared another challenge at the three other deities, before making straight for Slaanesh, opening its jaws. Tyrannosaurus had one of the most powerful bites of any animal as standard. This T-Rex, buffed by Khorne, had a bite powerful enough to crack solid rock, and was not turning to Slaanesh any time soon. This became apparent to the Chaos God as the animal's teeth clamped around her left leg and promptly ripped it off, eliciting a scream of pain, which soon turned into masochistic pleasure. This disgusted the animal, causing it to repeat the RIP AND TEAR bit on all of Slaanesh's remaining limbs and both of her sides, leaving her a torso with intestines dangling out and I'm not describing it in any greater detail because you'd never forgive me.
To say Khorne was pleased would be understating things. It was with a look on his face of feral joy and great glee he picked up the body of his mortal enemy and flung her so hard she not only smashed through the Palace of Pleasure, she smashed through the very foundations, causing the entire Palace to come down on top of her. Unsurprisingly, Slaanesh screamed in pleasure again.
Khorne looked out on the devastation that the throw had wrought and the T-Rex carving its way through Lesser Daemons of Slaanesh and Chaos Undivided. He saw the power that he possessed, the trump card that could be his key to winning the Great Game, and all he could manage in that moment was 'Well, FUCK.'
Part 2: Nurgle
The Plaguefather returned to his Rotting Mansion in a two-way mind. On the one hand, he was concerned about the new beast Khorne had, and how it could upset the balance in the Warp. On the other hand, he was inspired to make something himself- for about five seconds. No, wait, maybe it was worth it. Something was missing in his- army? collection? Whatever, Nurgle decided. The point was, maybe he needed something more- more muscly, for want of a better word. Something with more- more plague-type fight than being a fat, bubonic corpse that swung a sword all day and hardly ever moved. An insect, perhaps? No, he already had Plague Flies and other such drones, so that one was out. Maybe boot Mortarion off his ass and order him to GET SHIT DONE? Nah, he was doing just fine spreading plague alone, so there was no need. Perhaps some form of rat, like the plague-carrying rats on Terra in 1346? (I mean the Black Death, if you haven't figured it out by now- jeez, your mind's as ineffectual as Nurgle...) nah, already been done and burned itself out. Though Nurgle was the Giant Galactic Recycler, he wasn't into recycling stuff THAT much. Perhaps he might get an idea from Isha, testing out new concoctions. This he did. However, after 50 different new plagues, out of which about 3 were new and viable, he still had no better idea. No, wait! At last an idea hit Nurgle's rotting mind. True to form, it was kinda old, though. Nurgle's great new idea- giant rats that exploded when dealt mortal injuries and released plague-carrying insects everywhere! This was pleasing and worked- for about 6 hours. After that, it just got old and boring. Still, not too bad a day... new toys and 3 new plagues- yeah, that was good.
Still, this was, after all, his off day. Nurgle wondered what else he could do. Maybe redecorating? Nah, just leave it to rot alone. It looked better that way. Finally, the Rotting Lord got some idea. Fishing out a mobile, he dialled.
"Hey there, Anathema, I'm bored. Little help?"
"You're ALWAYS bored, you old, rotting shitstain. Besides, I'm stuck on a giant fucking murder throne. Not exactly like I can really GO anywhere."
"Aw, c'mon. Why'd you say that?"
"You know EXACTLY why."
*BLEEP*
Well, that was a waste of time.
Finally a good idea- pranks! Yes, you heard me right, pranks. What sort? Exploding rubbish bags on Tzeentch's doorstep, replacing all of Slaanesh's Daemonettes on her throne with Nurglettes when she wasn't looking, a case of Ultra Rust on all of Khorne's weapon collection. That sort of thing. The best one was when he 'dropped a load' on Cegorach. How? A relatively simple deception. He had a Plague Fly tell a Harlequin that Tzeentch said they tasted of slapstick and stolen jokes. Naturally, Cegorach went to see Tzeentch about it. The resulting dicking over and derping around resulted in Cegorach temporarily losing his temper and sense of humour, chasing Tzeentch around his Labyrinth and throughout the Warp, basically disturbing EVERYONE. However, with Tzeentch always keeping an eye on the pursuing No-Longer-Laughing God, he ended up running through multiple 'obstacles' put there by Nurgle. The end of the chase resulted in them running into the drains of Nurgle's bathroom, beneath a shaft of light. Both Gods looked up as the light disappeared, and a squelching sound filled the rank air. The expressions on their faces were priceless. It didn't take long to show them the videotapes and get Cegorach laughing again, and Tzeentch admiring the comparatively simple plan.
His final act of the day? Why, taking Isha out to a movie. (It WOULD be fair to assume she didn't want to go, you're right.) UNFORTUNATELY- he had to drive through Slaanesh's neighbourhood. Didn't take long for her to hitchhike. This episode resulted in a case of super crabs AND brain-borer beetles AT THE SAME TIME for Slaanesh, before she was forcibly ejected from the car. Ejected how, you ask? Think of a zit popping. Now leave the rest to your imagination. Yes, in that way.
Despite all that, the movie was actually pretty good, even if it was a movie about the Great Game and its funniest moments. Even the Emperor was there (in spirit-form, obviously). Nurgle WAS landed with car duties due to nearly everyone else except Tzeentch getting pissed off their heads (Tzeentch alternated between sober and drunk at irregular intervals), but it wasn't like he cared. Especially once, settling down to bed, he heard the screams and yells coming from the three other major realms of the three other Gods, due to the crotchrot he slipped them when they weren't looking.
Just as planned, Nurgle chuckled to himself before drifting off.