Battle for Dominus Pillowus

On a backwater Imperial planet. a Guardsman buys a Celestine Bodypillow from a passing Rogue Trader. Fearing reprise from an angry Commissar, he tattles on the Commissar's xenofucking habits to a Priest. Said priest turns out to be an undercover Inquisitor investigating Commissar Xenofucker. The Inquisitor begins a sting operation and the local Regiment splits between the loyalists and the Taufuckers.

What started it all

Characters

This section includes all characters involved in this glorious clusterfuck.

Imperial Forces

Imperial Guard

• Commissar Xenofucker

• Craig the Guardsman: A poor sod whose lasgun got stolen and sold to the rogue trader. Also got his helmet traded for a box of fruit by another guardsman named Russel. Executed for incompetence

• Saint Waifu Commander: Veteran Officer guardsman who served a month prior to the events that held place. Became an ascended saint after safeguarding the Body Pillow of Celestine and nearly getting BLAMMED by the commissar. Noone really remembers his name as they just called him "the Waifu Commander" during the conflict

• Sanctioned Psyker: Almost raped by a Daemonette

• Marcus: Good friend of Saint WaifuCommander, been in the brother training group as WaifuCommander and followed him before his Ascension. Has a knack of attaching things to "weapons" such as additional bayonets

• Guardsman: Almost raped by an Eldar

• Assortment of Kriegers: Capable of affixing bayonets at speeds high enough to break the sound barrier

• Random Harmonica Guardsman: Blessed with a beatifull voice. Made an entire eldar CRAFTWORLD cry. Yes, an craftworld as in the ship itself

Space Marines

• Penicillus, Apothecary of the Deathwing:

• Unnamed Ultramarine:

• Minotaurs Chapter: Same teamkilling fucktards as always. Ordered by the High Lords to retrieve the holy artifact located on the planet

• Blood Ravens Chapter:

• The Deathwatch: Came equipped to deal with necrons, ended up facing OrkNids. The results weren't pretty

Sisters of Battle

• Living Saint Celestein (not Celestine)

• Living Saint Celestine (not Celestein)

• Canoness Olivia III, Order of the August Vigil

• Sister Lydia

• Animal-loving Sister Hospitaller

Mechanicus

• Enginseer Mike L33: Used an Earthshaker Cannon on Daemon Prince Commissar Xenofucker.

• Magos Xenobiologis: Realised entire biosphere of planet was in fact devolved Tyranids.

• Dominus Exitium Imperator-Class Battle Titan responsible for the recovery of the Æonic Orb. Got smacked about by Orknids

• Archmagos Magnificus Apparatos Responsible for the deployment of Titan legions on the planet as a means to both capture the Orb and avoid an Exterminatus

Inquisition

• Xeno Hunting Inquisitor: Puked in the back of a Rhino.

• Ordo Malleus Inquisitor: Showed up late to the party, and when he found out about the Tau-Slaanesh-Daemon Engune-Craftworld, left for the nearest Imperial Port to get drunk.

Xenos

Eldar

• Thirsty Farseer: Was infected by a disease made by Nurgle, who wanted to boost Eldar birthdates so as to make Isha happy. Tried to rape Guardsman, but Psykerbro kept her away. Untill she did rape him, he liked it. Now they are married.

• Silver-Iscariot Eldar: Died over and over again, eventually defecting to Imperial forces (probably because her craftworld was fucking obliterated). Was a titan at two points in time.

• Dark Eldar: Went raiding. Some of them took advantage of the vorefest between the Hive Fleet and the Daemon Engine Craftworld to get more suffering and ecstasy.

Tyranid? Ork? Orkanids:

• Freeboota Gitsmacka

• Freeboota Kaptin Snikstabba 'F. Merkury' Goldteef

• DokTank

• Hivefleet

• Planetary Hivemind

• Rapevines

• The "Forest"

Necrons

• Necron Lord I

• Necron Lord II

• Unnamed Destroyer Lord

• Æonic Orb

• Flayed Ones: The Flayed Ones were driven further into madness by their curse (and probably the body pillow they were told to get) as they started to make body pillows out of the bodies of their foes. Eventually, the curse started to spread from neuron to Necron, even infecting the Spyders and Scarabs. Later on, some Flayed Ones became corrupted by the forces of chaos turning to either Nurgle or Slaanesh, the ones who followed Nurgle simply hung out with the Nurglings while those of Slaanesh started using the Rape vines for sexual pleasure and probably robot-fuck each other. After a while, the Necron Lord ordered for all the flayed ones to be killed, those who were not killed either escaped into the rape forest or escaped into the warp.

Tau

• Ethereal:

• Tau Leader: Ended up being Corrupted by Slaanesh

• Tau Diplothot: Originally a Water caste diplomat task with the mission of turning the guardsman regiment over to the greater good. Also ended up becoming corrupted by Slaanesh, although with much direr results

Chaos Forces

Slaaneshi

• Daemonette: Developed a hug fetish. Has a crush on Psykerbro. Keeps chatting with him trough dreams. Is now friends with formerformer Por'o.

• Chaos Lord Vögeln: Chaos Lord of the "Alluring Ostriches" warband. Failed in his mission by Slaanesh him/her/itself to cum on the Celestine Bodypillow, and was turned into Chaos Spawn for his failure. Wait no-AAASJEHDUBEUJSIJSJ

The conflict itself

See Also

Stercus Ludicrum: An similar case of massive clusterfuck in 42nd Millenium

Gallery

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  Notice the added bayonets

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  No god managed a proper reaction. Except the hive mind. Now it just keeps on WAAAGHing

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  The wonderfull apples native to the trees of Dominus Pillowus.