Valkia the Bloody

2018-07-08T15:03:43Z

2001:16B8:220:6701:7C44:CB2A:1A16:315F:

[[File:Valkya2.png|500px|thumb|right|The original Valkyrie of Chaos.]]
{{topquote|I tell you that neither eating, drinking, nor sleep has as much savor for me as to hear the cry 'Forwards!' from both sides, and horses without riders shying and whinnying, and the cry 'Help! Help!', and to see the small and great fall to the grass at the ditches and the dead pierced by the wood of the lances decked with banners.|Bertran de Born}}

'''Valkia the Bloody''' is a character from [[Warhammer]] who happens to be the single most badass [[Rule 63|female]] [[Viking]] [[Warriors of Chaos|ever]]. Badass enough that even [[Khorne]]'s got a hard-on for her. And anyone with a muscle fetish. Difference is that the latter people will just have to put up with being plowed by an angry demon-woman with wings in hot, sweaty hatesex.

She also happens to be the closest thing the Warhammer world has to a Valkyrie, which is a big thing in Norse mythology. They're the one ones who pick out who gets to die and join the Blood God in the halls of the afterlife where they can fight for eternity. And yes, we already know how unsubtle it is about Khorne being Odin.

See, once she was just a badass viking chick. And considering that vikings here are already, like, 40% Testosterone at birth, that's a serious lot of manly. So this accounted, she killed a bunch of other chaos champions, which is the closest thing the Norse have to [[Heterosexual Sex in the Missionary Position|consenting, heterosexual sex in the mNissionary positiOon for the sole purRpose of procreAation]]. She met the leader of another tribe who worshipped Khorne and he introduced Valkia to two future husbands; himself then Khorne. Valkia married him and had two daughters with him, then he was killed off as a cautionary tale about sexism against women. Some time past and she fought Locephax, a [[Daemon Prince]] of [[Slaanesh]] who sought to plunder him some ass (Valkia's and her daughters). Her only response to this was to kill him, cut his head off, and mount it on her shield. LIKE A BOSS. Oh, and the head's still alive.

[[File:Valkia.jpg|300px|thumb|left|Don't fap to her, she'll cut your dick off. <strike>Probably use it as a spear, also. </strike> Lol you wish it was that long]]
So Valkia decided to go up north to see Khorne and present the shield and head to him. Despite being a badass, she trips at the finish line and dies after she is crushed by the weight of her muscles because lolchaos. And this made Khorne blow his load (both figuratively AND literally). This load was so explosive that it literally brought her back to life and then turn her into a demonic valkyrie who judges who shall live and who shall die. Oh, and be Khorne's personal stress management resource when Slaanesh starts laughing about Khorne's killhatemurder homosex club.

In the End Times she led a Khornate army alongside Skarbrand to attack Naggaroth, smashing through the watchtowers and Ghrond's army, making it to the gates of the capital city Naggarond. She was defeated by Malekith and his dragon in combat but managed to survive. Sadly, she goes out like a chump in End Times: Archaon, accidentally impaling herself on Ludwig Schwarzhelm's standard pole as she runs him through with her spear (there's a sex joke in there somewhere).

As a Daemon Prince though, it was merely a setback and she came back complete with ruling her own version of Valhalla in [[Age of Sigmar]]. I guess this makes her Chaos Freya or something. When not busy with either killing or with her husband, she is know to accept [[Gorechosen|challenges to mortal combat]] from worthy mortals trying to prove their mettle to the boss.

{{Chaos-Champions}}

[[Category:Daemons]]

Skarbrand

2018-07-08T13:54:23Z

2001:16B8:220:6701:7C44:CB2A:1A16:315F: /* Trivia */

'''Skarbrand the Exiled One''' was formerly the most powerful [[Bloodthirster]] in the service of [[Khorne]]. He was so powerful, in fact, that [[Tzeentch]] took notice and began encouraging him to kill, maim and burn even more in the service of his lord. This might seem counterproductive in the extreme, but eventually Skarbrand got so angry that he tried (and failed) to cheap-shot Khorne himself, [[Just as planned|just as Tzeentch planned]].

Khorne was [[RAGE|somewhat displeased]] with this treachery, and proceeded to choke Skarbrand of all thought or reason (insomuch as a Bloodthirster has either) until all that remained of him was his boundless rage. He then tossed Skarbrand away so hard that he flew for a solid week.

Skarbrand's wings were destroyed by the impact, but he kept on killing indiscriminately in the name of the Blood God. In fact, he's so goddamn angry that he makes everyone near him go crazy with blood-lust too. In a somewhat ironic twist of fate, he kills far more than he did when he was in Khorne's good graces.

He recently appeared on the fortress world Lutoris Epsilon and caused all the Guardsmen defending the planet to go all 28 Days Later on each other, which makes one wonder why Khorne doesn't just send him to Cadia. Probably the disowning for the whole "tried to kill me" thing. He then butchered his way out of a [[Grey Knight]] ambush on Phaedes Ekron. In his last known appearance, he was unceremoniously one-shot by [[Dante]], being cut in half and sent back to the Warp. Sadface.

That did not last long however, as he appeared in the second Gathering Storm book teamed up with a [[What|Masque of Slaanesh]] as part of a bet on who could slaughter the most [[Eldar]] on an Exodite world. Of course, that was all just so the [[Just as planned|Masque could use him]] to break though seals placed on a webway gate [[Just as planned|which led straight]] into [[Biel-Tan|Biel-Tan]] His reaction when he discovered this was... [[RAGE|interesting.]]

He also appeared on the Blackstone Fortress where [[Roboute Guilliman]] and his Crusade were behind held prisoner. Skarbrand attacked the Fortress with a Khornate Warband so he take Roboute's skull for Khorne. However due to the Black Templar Emperor's Champion sacrificing himself and planting his sword in Skarbrand's chest, Roboute was able to give the Bloodthirster a good beating and escaped

==On the Tabletop==
Skarbrand is an HQ choice for a Daemons army. He's got the standard 'thirster statline, minus wings. He has a S5 AP- template called "Bellow of Endless Fury" (yes, he's so angry that his roar can kill you) and a pair of axes called Slaughter and Carnage, which have Fleshbane and Armorbane, respectively. Note that this gives you an extra attack for paired CCWs. Plus, every unit, friendly or enemy, within 12" of him gets Rage and Hatred, including himself.
If made the warlord, all his attacks inflict instant death, giving you a ridiculous melee beatstick that will take down pretty much anything you point him at. Nine WS10, I10 hits, rerolling, on the charge that wound on 2s, ignore armor, and inflict instant death? That Wraithknight is done. And all this for less than the cost of a standard Bloodthirster of Unfettered Fury.

The problem, of course, is getting there: Skarbrand has no wings to get him into the backfield. A supporting Grimoire of True Names can help him get where he needs to be. And the bricks that an opponent will shit when your skarbrand rocks a 2++ from Warp Surge + Grimoire is worth every second.

== Trivia ==
*Skarbrand hates signs.
*Skarbrand hates knocking sounds.
*Skarbrand hates going outside.
*Skarbrand also hates going INSIDE.
*Skarbrand hates doorframes slightly less than the above things.
*Skarbrand spends most of his day to day life standing in said-doorframes.
*Skarbrand hates traffic jams
*Skarbrand doesn't appreciate physical contact
*Skarbrand despises inconveniences
*Skarbrand dislikes being misinterpreted
*As a respectable member of society, Skarbrand loathes stealing
*Skarbrand has trouble internalizing his accomplishments

==Gallery==
<gallery>
Image:Skarbrand_and_kairos.jpg|Being Skarbrand isn't all fun and games as Kairos explains
</gallery>

{{Daemons-Characters}}

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Valkia the Bloody

Skarbrand