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Emperor's To-Do List

2018-04-04T11:50:03Z

2001:1970:4D29:5A00:102B:4720:998B:B39C: /* The Holy List (in no particular order) */

{{Awesome}}
{{Heresy}}
== The Emperor's list of Things to do after Resurrection ==
The God-Emperor of Mankind has been taking a bit of a breather lately, but don't think that he has stopped caring and looking after humanity. As a matter of fact, the [[Adeptus Custodes]] happen to have scribbled down this reassuring list of things that the Emperor intends to do once he's finished taking a little nap, scratched his non-existent nose and taken a bath.

==Rules for new entries==

1: Learn to spell. This is the Emperor's Sacred To-Do List, not the toilet paper roll of an illiterate [[Indrick Boreale|five year old]].

2: Keep crossovers to a minimum, ''especially'' dumb ones. Before you make it, ask yourself "can it be funny without referencing non-[[Warhammer]] stuff?" If the answer is yes, don't make the reference.

3: Read through the damn list before repeating the same damn thing over again, because having five entries, all asking for the same thing is [[Derp|stupid]]. Have you read it? Read it again!

4: Learn to be funny and not painfully annoying, jokes are fine, ''bad'' jokes are not. Before you show us your wit, tell it to some friends and see if they laugh. If you don't have friends, tell it to your pet. If your pet is an [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iguana iguana] and therefore cannot talk, talk to the voices in your head and try to make them laugh.

5: Avoid excessive strike-throughs and [[Blam|blamming]], as it makes it hard for all of us to read.

6: Anyone who declares a state of anarchy or refers to this article as a "thread", will be [[Blam|shot]], [[Dark Eldar|dragged out behind the barnyard]], [[Ork|beaten severely]], [[Imperial Guard|run over with a Baneblade]], then [[Blam|shot]] again.

7: If you can't make jokes, then put some effort to make an insightful or interesting submission. Think about what the [[God-Emperor of Mankind|God-Emperor]] would actually do when he wakes up to the sight of a regressing civilization.

8: Do edit these rules.

9: FOR THE ETERNAL GLORY OF CHA (cough) umm, I MEAN THE EMPEROR!

==The Holy List (in no particular order)==
[[File:TheLiterallyImmortalGodEmperorOfMankind.jpg|300px|thumb|"Your faith in The Emperor shall assuredly be rewarded."]]
The thing is that the Emperor of Mankind would be really pissed off upon returning his consciousness to his body and finding out what happened to his Imperium during his 10,000-year-long absence/slumber upon the Golden Throne.
In his absence, the [[High Lords of Terra|idiots]] running the Imperium have become even more corrupt, the [[Imperial Truth]] has been forgotten by everyone, some [[Ecclesiarchy|retards]] have got everyone worshipping me, some [[Black Templars|maniacs]] are so fucked up they are just killing anyone useful, and the general state of affairs is through and through [[Grimdark|GRIMDARK]].
This list describes the immediate "improvements" the Emperor of Mankind would install, steps towards a more [[noblebright]] galaxy. The list has also seen some additions made by the [[Adeptus Custodes]] and the [[Commissars]] of the [[Imperial Guard]].

----
# Scratch my nose.
# Take a bath.
# Scratch my everything.
# Eat breakfast.
# Find my ballpoint pen.
# Punch Lorgar in the face.
## Then punch everyone else in the face.
# Roll around on the floor.
# Scream really loud.
# Get some tacos.
# Kill every single one of the [[Marines Malevolent]]. Because they deserve it.
# Look at this list and reorganize. Some items on the list are more important than others.
## Not enough dakka
# Become CEO and majority shareholder of [[Games Workshop]].
## Execute and then replace its upper level employees and management.
# Recognize /tg/ for its greatness.
# Clone Creed and make him commander of everything.
# Find Dorn, and beat the living fuck out of him because his spiky Iron Halo popped my eye.
# Hand his so called 'Imperial Guards' over to the Angry Marines
## Then hand his entire military over the Angry Marines to use to decorate every chainsword in the galaxy with their guts
# Build a new Death Star, I want a Death Star, dammit!
## Scratch that, Get Titan Converted into a new Starkiller base. Fuck, The Grey knights would be good enough, but keep it away from the rest of the [[Inquisition]]
## Actually, create something even bigger, just because I can.
## ''Important note:'' Stick a void shield on the thing!
## '''''Very Important Note''''' Make sure it can't be blown up by a few lucky idiots doing a single thing somewhere important.
## '''''''Extremely Important Note''''''' Make sure you plan to declare a crusade on Eldar Craftworlds(not Exodites, waste of resources) to make sure they don't stop you from building it.
# Take a shower, I smell worse than a [[Plague Marine]] at this point.
# Brush my teeth, because at this point, my halitosis could probably qualify for Exterminatus.
# Fix my fucked up face.
# Find [[Magnus the Red|Magnus]], and spank him until his buttocks are in the infrared spectrum for ruining everything.
# Create [[Catgirl|Catgirls]].
## Kill anyone who asks why, as they are too stupid to live.
## Destroy the gene manipulation records as to not enable anyone to make Chakats.
## Never mind, turns out [[Felinids]] are already a thing. Saves me the trouble.
# Retry building the Golden Throne so that this time I can access the [[Webway]].
## But this time actually share it with other people and test it somewhere else off of [[Holy Terra]].
# Add more bling to my palace, even more bling to my throne and go bling crazy on a new suit of armour.
# Drive around the M25 in a car so fast I dig a trench around London by friction
# Table an Eldar player by turn 2 in an equal points game (it's possible, I've just done it!!!(bitches))
# Recruit black guardsmen/bolter bitches.
# Eat something other than psykers babies, seriously I need to eat more carbohydrates.
## And some protein, so I can get even more ripped. I know no-one can see my [[Gay|muscles]], but they need to be there.
## Don't forget your vitamins too, Dear.
# Eat a live [[Carnifex]] without the aid of sauces.
# Eat another live [[Carnifex]] with the aid of sauces.
# Turn yet another [[DISTRACTION CARNIFEX|Carnifex]] into sauce, while living, and use that as a sauce for the last live Carnifex.
# Discover a way to cook Tyranids so they taste like buttered lobsters or fried bacon. That way, Imperial Guardsmen will not only be cheered up by the prospect of a good meal at the end of a battle, but they would also appreciate the irony of galaxy-eaters suddenly becoming tasty grub. Hiveships, once dreaded, would become flying hors d'oeuvres platters.
# Wash the Carnifex meal down with a glass of soda and Amasec.
# Further expand the Warhammer 40K storyline without the interference of [[Games Workshop]].
# Teach the [[Imperial Guard]] generals some actual tactics other than "Hey-Diddle-Diddle-Straight-Up-The-Middle."
# Tell the Adeptus Mechanicus to stop keeping secrets and actually try to advance technology so we don't have to rely on whatever scraps from the [[Dark Age of Technology]] we have left. Threaten to Exterminatus Mars if they don't.
# Replace the Imperial Guardsmen [[Lasgun|Lasguns]] with something that can ''actually'' do shit. Probably some Pulse Rifles or Gauss Flayers.
# Get a Militarum codex for all the Segmenta and make Militarum Solar entirely from [[Adeptus Custodes]] in Necrodermis.
# Make up with [[Matt Ward|Matthew Ward]] as he isn't that bad.
## GeeDubs still made shit in his absence.
# Kick that [[Star Wars]] Emperor's arse.
## Proceed to reverse engineer their lasers and proceed to make Lasguns better.
## Hang out with Darth Vader.
# Gather every Guardsman, Astartes, Inquisition operative, Sororita, Commissar... hell, everyone in the Imperium of Man, give them weapons, have them surround the Eye of Terror and ''then'' let the Greatest of all Holy shitstorms ensue.
## Optional: Proceed to create Black Hole Producing weaponry and launch a ton at the Eye of Terror.
# On that note, find a way to bring [[Kaldor Draigo]] from the warp. I need him because he Gets Shit Done.
## Fuck Kaldor Draigo, he's insane(yet funny). Find someone just as awesome as me to get some shit done...Doomguy.
# Outangry [[Angron]], outsex [[Fulgrim]], outfortify [[Perturabo]], outwit [[Magnus]], outspeed [[Jaghatai Khan|Khan]], outpreach [[Lorgar]], outdrink [[Leman Russ|Russ]], outendurance [[Mortarion]] and outforge [[Vulkan]].
# Personally execute Fulgrim, Perturabo, Angron and the rest of them traitor Primarchs.. ''after'' the Inquisition has given them a proper torturing. Except Fulgrim. No torture for him will be torture enough.
# Beat [[Khorne]] in an arm wrestling match, thus avenging my prior defeat at his hands, then rip his arm off and beat him to death with it.
# Show [[Slaanesh]] my dick and watch his/hers/its sweet tears of envy. If Slaanesh doesn't cry, just dickslap the bitch into Khorne's arms and eat popcorn while hilarity ensues.
# Hug [[Nurgle|Papa Nurgle]] and remain pure.
# Get [[Isha]] out of Nurgle's clutches, then watch as every Eldar wych freaks out, incidentally causing the Eye of Terror to blink. [[Just as Planned]].
# Seduce Isha, just to prove that I can, and watch as Nurgle gets pissed off.
# Fuck Isha so hard that every [[Eldar]] is gonna feel their asses sore. Also make sure to livestream it!
# Give Nurgle a bath, with holy water made by distilling the blood of 1,000,000,000,000 saints.
# Make Nurgle feel gut-wrenching sadness so bad his cultists won't be so unnaturally happy.
# Run before plagues eat Nurgle alive for not being diseased enough, spontaneously combusting with the power of 10 of my Legendary Power Swords.
# Devise a scheme so elaborate and complex that I'll be the one to say "Just as planned" to Tzeentch.
## Makes sure it better than what [[Creed]] could come up with.
# Then do the same thing to [[Commander Puretide]].
# And then do the same to [[Imotekh the Stormlord]].
# And then do the same to [[Eldrad]].
# Then get Creed, Imotekh, Puretide, Eldrad, [[Aetaos'Rau'Keres]], The [[Swarmlord]] and [[Kairos Fateweaver| Kiaros]] instated as the new Eggheads.
# Outdick [[Eldrad]]. Then screw both of his daughters in front of him. Again. At the same time.
## Go back in time and get Eldrad to have more daughters, so that I can have an orgy in front of him.
### While your at it, create a Time Travel Paradox Nuke to destroy the universe for leverage over Chaos and everyone else. [[Just as Planned]].
## Apologize to [[Taldeer]] by officiating at her wedding with LIIVI (and make that canon!)
# Go back in time (multiversal travel required too) and tell the dumb fuck at [[Games Workshop]] [[Matthew Ward]] who fucked up the 5th Edition of Codex Astartes that "He's doing it wrong," the dude to made the Imperial Guard better that "He's doing it right,"(Tomb kings and Tyranids disagree), then go to the guy who decided to give the Guard flashlights and take him to the Inquisition to be properly tortured.
# <s>Make a Total War version of Warhammer</s> Done. Make a [[Total War]] version of Warhammer 40k.
# Permit Space Marines and Sisters of Battle to date. Well, the Astartes call themselves my Sons, and the Sororitas say they're my Daughters... maybe this plan is a wee bit awkward? But I want grandkids, and the last time I was a dad, my son [[Horus]] went and [[Horus Heresy|ruined Christmas for everybody]].
# Be a better father to the rest of my sons, as not to spark another shitstorm that will inevitably cripple me for another few millennia.
# Go on a deer-hunting trip with some [[Vindicare]] and bag more kills than him using MY KICKASS FLAY-WITH-MY-MIND POWERS!!!
# Overshadow an [[Eversor]] Assassin during his dynamic entry.
# Deceive a [[Callidus]] Assassin with disguises and trick her into having a romantic relationship with me.
# Outbrood a [[Culexus]] Assassin and still remain awesome.
# Deceive the [[C'tan]] false GabeN "[[The Deceiver]]" by tricking him into giving over control of the Necrons to me.
# Find the C'tan called "[[The Outsider]]" and rehabilitate him. If not possible, kick him into a Black Hole.
# Find out what if anything is chasing the Tyranids and see if they're friendly. If not: Launch the prototype promethium planetary bombardment torpedo.
# Once again outdick Eldrad in the game of his choice, forcing him to ragequit.
# Beat a [[Lord of Change]] Greater Daemon in a game of Chess with only 5 moves.
# Then beat it in 4
# Make a better emergency life support system as a safeguard if things for some reason go south. By that I mean make some kinda Emperor [[Dreadnought]] or some shit like that so I can still do my job instead of all this being a decaying corpse on some tricked out toilet worshiped by the entire population... did I mention how much this sucks? I heard that an old fart by the name of Karamazov has a dreadnought as a chair...
# <s>Personally get that dreadnought back-up plan started</s> Better idea, make myself a fucking [[Imperator Battle Titan|Imperator Titan]] as my Dreadnought backup plan
# Outright skullfuck Slaanesh for making something so good be so wrong and heretical.
# Eliminate masturbation across the Imperium and in its place have sanctioned sex workers as part of the socialized medical program(no, I think I had it right before) so nobody will be stuck comforting themselves alone ever again.
# Go outdick Eldrad one last time. Then put all the Eldar he saved when he got the Orks to invade Armageddon in a life threatening situation.
## Let Eldrad try and save them.
## Laugh as he fails.
## Save them so I get to be the bigger man.
## Make a note of where they all are so next time Eldrad pisses me off I can kill them without wasting too much time.
# Send search parties throughout the Empire to find that awesome excuse for a Space [[Viking]], [[Leman Russ]], and if he's found alive, hand his ass to him like I did before I got stuck on this throne.
# Prove the existence of the [[Alpha Legion]].
# Get those two exiled legions back again, they've blasted enough [[Tyranids]] in other galaxies by now!
# Give Alpharius and Omegon a hug for staying secretly loyal and fighting Chaos from within for ten thousand years, then ground them for a decade for all the damage they did in the process
# Invent a more reliable warp drive in order to...
# Expand the Imperium to a intergalactic empire.
# Create a special rule just for myself so that instead of just ''one'' unit as a scout, I field an [[Creed|ENTIRE REGIMENT'S worth of troops as scouts]].
# Beat a Commissar at a Western-Style shootout.
# Recognize the [[Legion of the Damned]] for their awesomeness and badassery.
# Challenge [[Sly Marbo]] to a duel to decide who is the greatest being in the entire universe.
# Beat a Tau Broadside battlesuit in ranged combat using only an angry glare.
# <s>Hunt down my Legendary Power Sword. Again</s>.never mind Apparently roboute found it
##ask him if he can give it back
# Come up with a Name for my Legendary Power Sword more original than The Burning Blade.
# Use the warp to go back in time, find myself and beat myself in a duel, so I can have TWO Legendary Power Swords!!!
# GROW A GOD-DAMNED BEARD. HOW CAN I BE CONSIDERED MANLY WITHOUT A BEARD? Also, how the fuck none grew in 10 fucking thousand years?
# Find the canon-Nazi using this list as his own personal toilet paper to wipe his shit on and mail him to Commorragh.
# Throw a WAAAGH!!
## Invite the Orks to said WAAAGH!!.
## Aim said WAAAGH!! at the Necrons/Tyranids.
## Bring a camera.
## ???
## PROFIT.
# Find [[Lion El'Jonson]] and get him back on the front line owning shit.
# Resurrect [[Rogal Dorn]]/Rogal Dorn's hand, and stitch it back on.
# Disable [[Roboute Guilliman]]'s life support.
## Never mind, someone got him off his lazy blue butt.
## Find out who resurrected him and keep them on retainer in case things go ploin-shaped again.
# Create a First Founding 2.0 to make the [[Angry Marines]], [[Manly Marines]] and those other guys canon.
# Come up with more shit for The Emperor's list of Things to do after Resurrection 2.0 if things do go south for some reason and the Emprah-dread-titan ain't ready yet.
# Turn the Armageddon conflict into a 24/7 Reality TV Channel, just like in that fantastic movie The Truman Show.
# Invent a deodorant that works on Typhus.
# Promote [[Cypher]] to Warmaster, he's clearly more competent than any other human that got to that rank. He seems more reliable than even Lion El'Jonson.
# Fuck, trip-out and drink the whole of [[Commorragh]] under the table, and then <s>kick</s> PUNT their stoned arses into Hell.
# Proceed to turn the remnants of Commorragh into a family friendly theme/water park called "EMPRA LAND!". Featured attractions: Blam the Xenos, Hot Heretic and Dismember the Deamon!
# Somehow regain my love and compassion. Can't lead the Imperium into non-grimdarkness without that, you know!
# Figure out how to get my awesomesauce body back since I lost all my limbs to decomposition.
# Make the Ultramarines stop boasting how awesome they are while in fact they fuck up almost every vital engagement. Thus, first I must make them REALLY awesome, and then I won't need to tell about it to anyone since it will be a fact in itself.
# Somehow find a way to come back without sparking off galaxy-wide hysteria. Seriously, who would have thought being considered a GabeN would suck so hard?
# Redesign the power armor [[pauldrons]]. CAN'T SEE SHIT WITH THESE THINGS ON, I MEAN FUCK. Also, I can't fucking scratch my neck without smashing my head. While I'm at it, find out why the fucking hell I thought that was a good idea to have those things so big in the first place.
# Design a helmet awesome enough for me, let's see [[Failbaddon|wannabe Horuses]] try to mortally wound me when all of me is covered in armor.
# Invent a power staircase.
# Resurrect Malcador the Hero and give him a shiny medal for his troubles.
## On second thought, better make it two shiny medals.
## We're talking REALLY shiny, here.
## It's like, damn son.
## So shiny.
## Actually give him three shiny medals.
## Heresy! Give him 4 Shiny medals.
# Congratulate [[Abaddon|Failbaddon]] for doing more damage to the forces of Chaos than my armies could have done in the same amount of time by being an incompetent fuck, then dickslap him back into the Warp.
# Use Time machine to bring Archaon into the 41st millennia and watch him beat Abbadon with with his own arms and take his place so I may have a worthy opponent.
# Boot Cato Sicarius into the eye of terror and get Captain Titus to lead the 2nd company.
# Surf a flying leviathan.
# Surf an Emperor-Class [[Titan]]
# Surf the energy beam from an overcharges VOLCANO CANNON, THAT ORBITAL SPIRE IS GOING DOWN!!!
# Get Forge World to make a fluff accurate miniature of me.
# Make a legendary thunder-shield for myself.
# Make my armor out of Necrodermis, I'll be invincible then.
# Make [[Commissar Yarrick]] into a living saint, I'm tired of Khorne bragging about how cool An'ggrath is and how I have nothing to match him, so I want my own version.
# Resurrect Ciaphas Cain and form the "forward retreat" legion for him to command.
# Collect each and every one of the bajillion pieces of Khaine, put them together, and as he resurrects, punch him so hard that he'll fall apart into TWO bajillion pieces.
# Create a super sleeping pill for the Void Dragon so he'll never wake up. In case it won't work, I will pummel him back to sleep personally. It worked before, thus I suppose it wouldn't be too much harder a second time, but I have a lot of better things to attend to so the sleeping pill is worth a try.
# Finally win a game of Paradox Poker. Yes it's fun to get together with Tzeentch, the Deceiver, and Cegorach every Saturday night for these games of dickery. But it's about time that someone won one of these games and it might as well be me. Maybe I can bring Creed along to help.
##Invent a translator for the hive mind so it doesn't sound like a thousand mental patients gargling a million nails in motor oil and weird syntax and can become a regular player.
## Privatize said translator and form a secret alliance with the Hivemind, and then talk shit about the others behind their backs (after making sure the translator works two ways).
# Organize my birthcentury party. It's gonna be an awesome party that'll last 10,000 days!
# Out-prank and out-funny Cegorach... probably the most difficult thing to do on my list.
# Set up arrangements for my return where I launch myself out of a Vindicator and hit a Demon Prince, [[awesome|causing him to explode.]]
# Figure out how to tell [[Adeptus Mechanicus|my man bitches]] to add pimp wheels to my golden throne then maybe a [[Dwarf Fortress|magma cannon]] or something badass...
# Reupholster the golden throne.
# Develop better plans to stop global warming and acid rain on [[Hiveworld]] planets.
# Beat Abaddon with his own arms.
# Recharge my iAuspex.
# Beat [[Matt Ward]] and [[C.S. Goto]] over the head with their crappy works
# Tell the [[Black Templars]] to chill the fuck out. On second thought gather them into the 10,000 strong unstoppable force (ITS IN THE CODEX IT MUST BE SO) and destroy the Eye of Terror.
# Release Bjorn and find the Space Wolves a kennel.
# Get the Space Wolves a damn flea collar
# Win a blinking contest with the Eye of Terror.
# Fetch Badassius his coat.
# Look up affordable retirement plans, I am so sick of babysitting some of these hopeless morons.
# Challenge [[Doomrider]] into a space coke-snorting contest. Then laugh at him as he dies from overdosing on the stuff.
# Convince [[Doombreed]] to allow a model of himself to be made.
# Get a haircut. Ensure my hair is even more fabulous.
# Have a trip over to the dentist.
# [[Exterminatus]] Equestria
## And their sun and moon as while, do those first actually.
# Beat Chuck Norris with his own legs
# Start an intergalactic fast food chain. (Empy's Empanada's)
# Invent a time machine.
# Guarantee that Magnus won't fuck up my invention again. Rip his eye out and beat him to death with it.
# Use the time-machine to drink [[Leman Russ]] under the table.
# Using the time-machine so I can eat more than Leman Russ as well.
# Hatch an extremely complicated time machine plot.
## Go back in time and give yourself a time machine and all future information
## Do something cool??? Figure out how to twist reality better?
## Uhhh.... running out of ideas... Annihilate [[Horus]]?
## Do something about your fall. What fall?
## No Matter What Happens, The world will... wait is it will or was or is...
## ???
## ????????????????????
## Profit?
# Assign a Primarch to the [[Angry Marines]]
# Assign Zoloft regiment to newly anointed Primarch of the Angry Marines
# Find my driver's license and look up own name.
# Clean house with the Administratum. How can we get shit done when we don't know how much we have to work with?
# Dig out my office from all the paperwork/peat moss that has accumulated over the <s>years</s> <s>decades</s> <s>centuries</s> fucking millennia. Not looking forward to this one.
# Make galaxy wide web and ban Lord Commissar from every thing.
## Spy on everyone with no mercy. [[Chaos]] will corrupt through the web or some stupid explanation via Chaos Magic.
# Invent a social network purely for Space Marines accessible from any data slate called Facemarine.com
# Invent a website called 40000chan.org so that humanity will finally be rid of the IRL [[trolls]] that have taken control over the hive cities, instead of the internet.
# Outangry a Angry Marine
# Outmanly a Manly Marine
# Outpretty a [[Pretty Marines|Pretty Marine]]
# Utterly destroy all [[furry|furfaggotry]]. (Space wolves and catgirls not included!)
# Beat myself in arm-wrestling with only one arm.
# Beat [[Commissar Fuklaw]] in a chainsword duel. Then every Angry Marine.
# Tell the [[Blood Ravens]] to stop dicking around in the Aurelia Subsector and get to work on that Eye Of Terror thing.
# Cure space-AIDS by wiping out those filthy Dark Eldar.
# Pimp the Golden Throne so that I may score even more bitches.
# Make a show called "The Fresh Emperor of Sacred Terra".
# Get new toilet paper, this 40,001 year megapack has almost run out.
# Turn off my [[Astronomicon|nightlight]]. Seems that everyone was using it for something. Well, no big deal I guess.
## Actually, create something better, which has a radius bigger than 50,000 light years, doesn't cause the deaths of one thousand [[psykers]] every day (find a better use for them) but most importantly doesn't need me to control it. I mean come on, my time is too important to just act as a giant psychic signpost.
# Order all thrones, chairs and benches destroyed. Or out of my sight at least, on pain of Exterminatus Cheezious, which is like getting creamed, but harder.
# Build a gold fortress at the [[brits|centre]] of Terra to enslave troglodytes.
# Become human parasite.
# Go back in time, beat entire GW executive board over the head with a power bat and then give the Warhammer 40000 license to someone willing to do a good job of it.
# Scratch that, go back in time, resurrect THQ and tell them to make five more Space Marine games.
# Punch [[Mork]] in the balls, with [[Gork]]'s severed fist.
# Demote [[Creed]] and his friends who keep fucking with my list.
# Beat [[Swarmlord]] and mindfuck [[Hive Mind]]
# Pray night and day that Frank Herbert's family doesn't sue the shit out of me for blatantly ripping him off.
# Get [[Andy Chambers]] BACK!!!
# Kick every heretic who claimed the Space Marine game was a ripoff of Gears of War/Starcraft in the balls with Powerfeet. Then send the [[Angry Marines]] in.
# Beat [[Matt Ward]] to death with [[C.S. Goto]].
# Beat [[C.S. Goto]] to death with [[Matt Ward]]'s corpse.
# Give the Nightbringer nightmares about me.
# Resurrect [[Sanguinius]].
# Tell him how much I missed him.
# Resurrect [[Ferrus Manus]].
# Find Leman Russ, Corvus Corax, Jaghatai Khan and Vulcan then get their asses back to battlefield.
# Tell the [[Dark Angels]] I forgive them so they stop being emo and ambiguously heretical, and they can get back to kicking the asses of my enemies
# Sit down and a have a cup of tea. Because it's just been that fucking long.
# Find a way to re-create Horus's soul and then destroy it again.
# Then do it again.
# Put a new password on my computer to stop all these heretics from accessing my damn list!
# Buy a really big gun to gather a load of Orks and shit in the middle of nowhere...
# ...then Virus Bomb said area......
# Take a dump on the Golden Throne.
# Congratulate [[Vance Motherfucking Stubbs]].
# Go out on a shopping day to buy a new outfit, because this golden armor set is just ''SO'' 10 millennia ago.
# Order the Inquisition to torture the fuck out of EA's board of directors.
# Use proceeds to pay for Power Armor for every front line soldier in the Imperial Guard. Commissars get Terminator Armor.
# Modify the Imperial Palace to be able to transform into "GabeN Emperor Class Super Titan".
# Play [[Matt Ward]] in a game of Warhammer 40K. Let him build the ultimate broken [[Ultramarines]]/[[Grey Knights]] army. Destroy him in the first round with a [[Sisters of Battle]] army.
# Go back in time and reduce the prices at [[Games Workshop]].
# Unfuck the galaxy (again).
## Then proceed to make sure it won't be fucked again.
### Without annihilating all sentient beings (and therefore killing [[chaos]]) and destroying the universe without causing it to crunch.
# Adopt [[Cultist-Chan]]. Hire a dialect coach and orthodontist for her.
# Find a [[Tarrasque]] and make it [[Emprahsque|my personal pet]].
# Commend [[Captain Titus]] for not succumbing to Ultramarine stereotypes. Conclude the ceremony by striking Brother Leandros (the ungrateful fucking smurf) in the testicles with a thunder hammer.
# Get some Preparation H from the Apothecaries.
# Revise Imperial naval doctrine to emphasize that SPACE IS NOT A FUCKING OCEAN!
# Write a best-selling autobiography.
# Buy a shop-vac and drain [[Khorne]]'s lake of blood. Dump hydrofluoric acid on his skull pile until it is a calcium slurry. Laugh scornfully at Khorne's unbelievable [[rage]] as the work of centuries goes to waste in a few hours.
# Tell everyone to cheer up. The universe is [[grimdark|depressing]] enough, I don't need an entire [[Imperium|empire]] worth of wangst.
# Create a chastity belt out of [[necrodermis]] and put it on Slaanesh. Then create a matching ballgag and shackles in case the fucker might get creative. [[Not as planned|This won't get kinkier, won't it?]]
# [[Blood Bowl|Introduce football to Orks and create elaborate stadiums, as to distract them from killing us.]]
# Weaponize a [[Sonic Weaponry|vuvuzela]] and beat a [[Noise Marine]] with it.
# Get new ballpoint pens because this damn list is draining the ink.
# Create a new space marine chapter dedicated to making pens with holiness.
# Consider ways to liven up sports with the introduction of power armor/fists.
# Disband the [[Ultramarines]] Chapter and show [[Matt Ward]] what has been done as part of the torture.
## If [[Not as planned]] occurs and [[Matt Ward]] ignores you ROB him into the most applicable
# <s>Revive the [[Squats]].</s>{{BLAM}}{{BLAM|Squats are Heresy!}}
# Piss on Horus' maggoty, heretical corpse.
# Resurrect Horus again and beat him to an inch away from death, then put him in life support/stasis for 10,000 years and make sure he feels every second of it- lets see how he likes being in agony for countless millenia.
# Teach the [[Adeptus Mechanicus]] there is no such thing as machine spirits, and tell them they can start using AI and computers more. See notes regarding Imperial Navy for immediately apparent uses. Then shit an Imperial Palace worth of bricks as the Void Dragon takes over everything and the Age of Strife happens all over again.
# Congratulate The Legion Of The Damned.
# Give the remaining Lamenters a hug. They deserve it.
# Determine if sexual virility has remained intact. If not, demand the necessary supplements under pain of death.
# Dominate a Sister of Battle in bed.
# Find a way to build [[Blackstone Fortress]]es.
# Deal with all the spam on 1d4chan.
# Bring back Warhammer Wednesday.
# Make a 40K version of [[Blood bowl]].
# Make Blood bowl the Imperium's official sport.
# Invite the [[Eldar]], [[Chaos]] and the [[Ork]] forces to participate in Blood Bowl games, proceed to rig every game. [[Just as planned]].
# Kill Gorgutz, If he doesn't run away from the fight, like he did on Lorn, Kronus and Karauva.
# Create for myself a massive golden space-caddy to roll around the Imperium and fuck bitches in.
# Train the commissars to stop executing their own men and start executing Furries that are useless instead.
# Officially recognize the reasonable marines as the Knights Inductor. I need a Space Marine chapter that doesn't go trigger happy when they encounter heresy and xenos.
# take a vacation to pen island
# Make a chapter of Space Marines born from clones of [[Simo Hayha]] that is justifiably overpowered in the tabletop.
# Get at least one Space Marine commander, preferably a Grey Knight, in some future Warhammer game to be voiced by James Earl Jones.
# Eat a pie with a live Carnifex inside with the aid of sauces.
# Look disapprovingly at the Ecclesiarchy then bitch-slap the priests.
# Reintroduce the [[Imperial Truth]], but this time, inform my citizens and soldiers of the dangers of Chaos and how to prevent it from infecting them.
# Overhaul the Imperial Guard's stance on martial justice. If I happen to catch a Commissar shooting a recruit out of a meaningless quibble, I will beat him with my bare fists and he will have to be permanently accompanied by a servo-skull equipped with a colostomy bag. {{BLAM| <b> Commissar reasonable agrees </b>}}
# Research ways to prepare Orks as a palatable substitute for Corpse Starch rations, much like the ancient Terran food product "Quorn." Would also increase morale among common soldiers, as they would treat a WAAAGH like a Grox dinner with Amasec on legs.
# Find way to make bolt-mounted power field generators feasible? Perhaps I should look at the Angry Marines' Adamantine Sack of Power Doorknobs...
# Place an Imperial edict forbidding the use of Baroque and Gothic architecture. Who knows how many resources were spent gilding those fucking stupid space cathedrals?
# Use a hive city as a tooth pick.
# Make a new edition of Epic Armageddon.
# Try to domesticate some Tyranids so that we can ride them like war horses or some shit. I don't think it will work (then again the Orks managed to do it) but I just want to see if we can manage it. Besides even if it doesn't work it will probably be a fun experience (assuming nobody gets eaten).
# Crush [[Doomrider]] into a fine powder and snort him.
# Party with [[Pedro Kantor]] and promote him to Imperial Fist primarch.
# Invent a way to make female marines, and give them all to the [[Crimson Fists]]. Those poor bastards need it.
# Introduce the Angry Marines to megaphones.
# Establish the Adeptus Astartes Legions once again and rewrite the Codex Astartes to emphasize tactical and strategic flexibility. Arrange a checks and balances system similar to the [[Iron Hands]] for the purposes of chapter administration. Those who protest this action will be redirected to the complaints department, which happens to be located on my power fist.
# DESIGN AND MAKE NEW SHIT (Mechanicus won't/can't do it, fucking toaster fuckers)
# Give a [[Honey Badger]] power armor and use it as a weapon.
# Name said Honey Badger Chapter Master of the [[Angry Marines]]. They're gonna love it.
# Build a Tank to crush a MOTHERFUCKING BANEBLADE.
# Give it to Yarrick as a present.
# Invent Krak-Grenade Tennis with Thunder Hammers for rackets.
# Invent Krak-Grenade Baseball with Thunder Hammers for bats.
# Invent Krak-Grenade Cricket with Thunder Hammers for bats.
# Invent Krak-Grenade Golf with Thunder Hammers for clubs.
# Beat Da Squig in a Baneblade race.
# Declare Tank Motorsports as an official sport.
# Amass a fleet of a million ships and finish kicking the shit out of everything else in the galaxy.
# Bring back the Enslavers. Then enslave them.
# Make a Baneblade the size of a Emperor Titan.
# Make a Titan the size of a Emperor class battleship.
# Make a Emperor Class battleship the size of a [[World Engine]].
# Help the Necrons to build a World Engine the size of the Eye of Terra.
## Then destroy it. Because I can.
# Steal [[Necron]] starships. Traveling the galaxy without warp drives? Fuck yeah, I want that!
# Learn how to make Tyranid calamari.
# Learn how to make Tyranid Tika Masala.
# Learn how to make Tyranid Sushi.
# Play hide and seek with Sly Marbo and with the Tanith First (and Only) guys. It'll be interesting to see why they can't find the deity of Mankind who wears Golden Power Armour and is over three meters tall.
# Declare Catachan Exploding Turtles (dubbed "Mine Turtles" by the local populace) an endangered species. Seriously, these things explode all over the fucking place.
# Find a way to get a truce with the Eldar and/or Tau Empire, then throw a galaxy and webway-wide party with said allies
# Outlaw the appellations Empy, Emprah, Big E and so on. Not addressing me with my real name is [[Heresy]]!
# Dissolve the Ecclesiarchy. I hate those creepy fucks.
# Ask Officio Assassinorum about drugs they using on Eversors, then start selling it in Commorragh. If you can't defeat them, make money on them, I always say that
# After my Imperial Dealers completely take over the city, have them kick dark eldar as back to hell where they belong.
# Then fill this place with so much sex, drugs and gambling that it will put <s>Las Vegas</s> [[Asdrubael Vect|Dicky Drubby]] to shame.
# And there will be [[Daemonette|daemonettes]] serving drinks, or you can call me "Emprah"
# Open a zoo with [[METAL BOXES|rhinos in metal cages]]. Any visitors will be executed as heretics.
# Encourage creative thinking, like "there is better way to use guardsmen than suicidal wave" or "not everyone is heretic and need to be destroyed" among my forces
# Pay orks to make me another life-sustaining device. As long they believe it works, it works - because it's really piss me off that MOST POWERFUL PSYCHIC in the whole space can't keep himself in shape.
# Hire a squad of orks, then order them to loot vehicles of other races - soon the looted-monoliths and looted-mantas will conquer the world
# Pay a visit to Tau, then show them the meaning of old terran saying "better dead than red". Or blue, in that case. Blue-faced reds are enough blasphemy in MY GALAXY
# Promptly remember that the Soviet Union under Stalin was still more benevolent and just than the Imperium in my millennia long bath room break.
# Get off the damn throne and find something suitable to wipe my own ass ..... ohh look a Grey Knight.
# Lure every furfag to an unused planet using [[Faptau]] and [[Shlicktau]] as bait, then utilize any form of Exterminatus, thus solving the galaxy-wide furfag problem.
##Not those that make themselves useful.
## They'd fuck the [[Felinids]] anyways.
# Send a whole fucking legion of speesh mareeens to Mars and get them to finally clear out all the rogue robots from thousands of years ago living in the catacombs below Mars.
# Realize my mistakes as a father and further realize that my sons have actual emotions and stabbing them in the back/humiliating them/letting those with obvious problems lead legions of dedicated killers might not have been the best idea so I know what to do when I make Primarch Project, Part two.
# Launch a cross dimensional crusade to destroy all [[chakats|CHAKATS]]!
# [[Doctor Who|Hire the Atraxi to blow up a planet, but only give them 19 minutes to do so.]]
# Steal all of Trazyn's artifacts leaving behind a note with kindest regards.
# ENGAGE HIVE MIND IN PHYSIC DUEL
##USE PHYKER-DESTROYING-FINISHING MOVE. RANGE: GALAXY!
##FIX THE REST OF THE PSYKERS IN THE GALAXY, One Howling was bad enough.
##Re-learn how to spell psyker, and psychic. I invented those words, dammit!
# Beat up Khorne while dressed as Slaanesh.
# Bleach memory of having dressed as Slaanesh from brain.
# Rebuild the Avatar of Khaine from the 2 Bajillion Pieces, then lock him and Slaanesh in a cage. Shatter whoever lives into 4 Bajillion Pieces, and hide the 4 Bajillion Pieces with Creed.
# Challenge a Dreadnought to a fist fight.
# Stand on the bow of a Battle Barge and shout "[[Eye of Terror|Fly me closer]], I want to [[Chaos Gods|hit them]] with my sword!"(Destination:Eye of Terror, Targets:Chaos Gods)
# Throw [[Space Wolves]] an [[Ultramarine]] bone; quality family time.
# Play laser tag with [[Lasgun|flashlights]].
# Bring back [[Konrad Curze]], fix his brain, and then get him to explain what he was rambling on about just before he died.
# Clone [[Judge Dredd]] and use said clones to replace the Adeptus Arbites.
# Create a training system for the Imperial Guard so my citizens are more effective than glorified meat shields.
# Create a Chapter of Space Marines made up of only Pariahs just to troll Tzeentch.
# Give some nice relics to the [[Celestial Lions]] to help them rebuild. Inform Inquisitors that a loyal Space Marines chapter complaining about an Exterminatus after the chapter has taken out the actual heretics is no reason to get all pissy. Send the Inquisitors that got all upset about that into a Ork WAAAGHHH! to look for Ork Snipers.
# Replace the Imperial Guard's vehicles after chassis that weren't considered obsolete by World War II in exchange for stuff that's more functional. Also find out why the hell I thought that was a smart idea in the first place.
# Improve ship design so that time and resources aren't wasted putting details on making the sides of the ship look like cathedrals and including over-sized figureheads that serve no practical use.
# Kill Chuck Norris and disprove all the "facts" about him, they have no place in the Imperial Truth.
## He is too manly to simply be worhshipped as a mere "god". He is Chuck Norris.
# Make the Space Wolves to be accompanied by <s>Sabaton</s> Amon Amarth as they play 24/7.
# Make an ironically underpowered Codex: Matt Ward.
# Rewrite the sisters of battle codex. My bitches need some love.
## And some gigantism fun with their Astartes brothers.
# Build a Fucking anti-grav hammerhead baneblade combo.
# Tell [[Dorn]] and [[Perturabo]] to kiss and make up.
# Get my wallet back from the [[blood magpies]].
# Steal [[Ahriman]]'s library card.
# Bring [[Carron]] back, and lock him in a METAL BAWKS as a prison.
# Go to Mars, punch the Void Dragon back to Terra, teleport to Terra and punch it back to Mars. Afterwards go ask the Mechanicus where's their Machine GabeN.
# make a deal with the Hive Mind to eat everything except the Imperium.
## breed giant carnifex to eat the eye of Terror.
## give the jeanstealer some jeans.
## Preferably from Abercrombie and Fitch
# Get my hands on some Ethereal pheromones, then use them to get the Tau to join the Imperium, just as planned. Then sterilize those weebs as a taste of their own medicine.
# Lead a live re enactment of D-Day using guardsmen and cultists.
# Glue my model of Abaddon's arms on, rip the real Abaddon's arms off and proceed to beat him to death with them.
# Resurrect Horus for round 2 and FUCK HIM UP...... More than last time. Oorah.
# Tell Games Workshop that fucking axes aren't unwieldy! Seriously, how are fucking augmented super humans in fucking powered armor in any way slowed by a slightly heavy fucking stick?!
## I mean all the weight of an axe is focused in a pretty hard to control spot by a kinesthetics standpoint unless you want to break your wrist trying to stop a massive weight moving super fast with a relatively small handle. And with them being Space Marines, their axes are fuck hueg but sure, axes are somehow simpler to wield EVEN THOUGH fantasy and sci-fi axes are some of the most bullshit things to be devised. THIS IS WHY THEY USE SWORDS. Also axes are pretty ineffective against armor compared to hammers. Plus ineffective towards spuishies compared to swords. You only use them as a middle ground. But sure, act like you know all about weapons and nerdrage. Ok.
# Destroy the metaphorical shark so that no franchise can ever jump it again.
# Throw Michael Grade into a woodchipper. Then have the wood chipper dismantled and melted into slag for getting Michael Grade's filth (I.E, any piece of him) on it.
# Learn [[Doctor Who|the Doctor]]'s real name.
# Catch em all.
# Become the King of Games.
## Including [[FATAL]]
# Rip off a Stompa's "Super Scorcha" and use it to make Tyranid toast. Because i'm just so damn hungry after counting the dead bodies.
# Steal skulls from khorne's throne and taunt an'ggrath with them as I teleport back to terra.
# Go to sleep. What? I'm fucking sleepy and I have not had a descent sleep in ages.
# Drop that hole Latin/High Gothic thingy as an official language, seriously WTF was I thinking when naming Adeptus Mechanicus, Astartes and Astra Militarum.
# Make my own animation studio to make adaptations of [[anime]] based on manga that didn't get finished.
# Use profits as part of my ongoing plan to become majority shareholder of Google.
# Put an end to youtube's copyright policy, then find those asshats that put came up with it and make them eat their own bones.
# Watch TV
# Fuck some shit up
# Fuck some sluts up
# Fuck some ca/tg/girls up
# Firebomb /mlp/ Seriously, I dont fucking care about MLP but that board is pure NOPE.
# Get some 'nids and let them rip those fucking PETA douche bags to fucking mincemeat.
# Fuck some more sluts up. Oh yeah.
# Get some Taco Bell.
# Close McDonalds.
# Open Bembos
# Watch the last airbender (Anime series not the fucking m night shyamalan peice of shit).
# Burn the Legend of Whorra.
# Kill M. Night Shyamalan and piss on his corpse
# Make melta explosives that can be fired from missile launchers, I'm sick of having to always get in the enemy's face to use metla weapons.
# Get the internet to shut up about Call of Duty(this does include any other ones as well),.<s>I'm</s>,(No everyone else with a life) is sick of hearing about it.
# Out tank astra with a rhino, because why not?!
# give orks something that can make a loud noise and can finally do shit.
# Release the Kraken and after it has finished destroying the enemies of Mankind, proceed to turn it into calamari.
# Eat pie, I like pie.
# Check progress on Grey Knight attempts to cross-breed Saiyans and Kryptonians for any females.
## Also progress on capturing/persuading Samus Aran to become a new Primarch for female Space Marines. Twice the (wo)manpower!
# Marry said females, that will scare off that [[Strike Legion|scary Empress bitch]].
# Sort out the contradictions in this list. Thing's a fucking mess.
# Commit fraud.
# Disband the Church of Scientology and send all the criminals in it to Guantanamo for crimes against humanity.
# Defeat the Reapers.
## Hi this is Commander Shepard, and GW is my favorite store on the Citadel.
# Get Kaldor Draigo into an intervention because he's hooked on fucking Warp Dust.
# Light my scented candle collection for proper relaxation.
# Collect all Crux Terminus badges so I can put my Golden Armour back together.
# Come up with the most absurd, annoying, head wrenching question I possibly can.
# Ask it repeatedly to that Zathras tool and laugh as his brain explodes.
# Create a giant can of bug spray and use it on all of the Tyranids
# Make Captain Titus Papa Smurf. We need someone who can make decisions without reading the book Rowboat Girlyman wrote 10,000 years ago.
# Steal the blood ravens
# Everyones mother.
# Track down the Timelord known as the Doctor, shake his hand, break his hand, kick his ass, steal the TARDIS and use it for the betterment of the imperium.
# Do some stretching because 10,000 years will give you such a crick in the neck!
# Resurrect Robin Williams for some decent propaganda.
# Drop kick a Hive Tyrant into the sun.
# Order a pizza, because it's been fucking years since I had take away food.
## Maybe order enough for my Custodes. They need some free time too.
# Find a xenos controlled planet, and bomb the fuck out of the filthy xenos scum! Note to self: Orks are probably easiest.
# Astrally visit other space opera universes to see how they do things, then make fun of them.
## Starting with Space Balls
# Find some more things to do.
# Find a living Astral knight,
# Find a cloning device for said Astral Knight,
# Create a Primarch for Astral Knight 2.0.
# Forgive the people of Krieg of their 1000 year old rebellion and tell them to stop being meatshields. Well, bigger meatshields than the guard usually are.
## They can even feel pride for being decent human beings again!
# Make deep strike safer so we don't have to fucking kill all the terminators
# Shoot whoever started the whole 'maetal bawkses' thing. I mean, Jesus, rhinos are elaborate machinery!
# Tell the Orks they're drunk and should go home.
# After collecting all the crux terminatus pieces, sell them on eBay and give all the money to THQ so they can finally fucking make Dark Millennium Online.
# Make warp dust into a smokable drug.
# Tell the Angry Marines to fuck themselves and thus piss them off even more.
# Make the Imperial Guard useful.
# Kill whoever wrote the last entry for extreme heresy.
# Give Commissar Yarrick better stats.
# Slap each and every [[Blood Angel]] for ever siding with or allowing their Battle-brothers to side with Necrons, at any point.
# Do a Word Bearers with said Blood Angels - in front of Guilliman's <s>preserved</s> body.
# Teach all my children's Legions that I made each of them different for a reason. Inform Ultramarines to "think of the next step" if things don't go as planned but tell them it's nothing personal. <s>Do CPR to Guilliman.</s> Already done.
# Give each guardsmen a pair of brass balls to intimidate their enemies/allies with.
# Trazyn was here.
# kill the idiot that didn't actually contribute and instead just signed his name.
# Eldrad was here too.
# CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDD.
# Find and anally rape <s>a Daemonette</s> Slaanesh.
# Take pictures of Schlicktau and give them to Faptau and Vice-versa
# Put a Giant Fleshlight in to a Emperor class Titan just to have another one fuck it/Fuck it himself
# Have a Ultramarine get lost in it.
# Make everyone look at Daemonette Titties for 1 hour a week.
# Install a Slut dispenser into the Golden Throne.
# Have Ultramarines drink alcohol so they are not so fucking boring. They might not be able to get drunk off of it, but that's what the elephant tranquillizer is for.
# Find out where my [[Sisters of Silence|Bitches of Silence]] went.
## How the fuck did Guilliman get them to come out of hiding.
## Girls love smurfs.
# Find the Sanguinor and beat him in a duel.
# Following my inevitable victory against the Sanguinor, find out who the fuck he is and bitch slap him. If he is Sanguinius he deserved it for not announcing himself for who he is and not fixing my <s>crumbling empi</s> <=HERESY. If he is not Sanguinius he gets another bitch slap for impersonating my second favorite son.
# Set the record straight regarding Ollanius Pius.
# Get Jango Fett to lead storm troopers.
## Clone him
## Use his gene-seed to create an army of Bounty Marines
## Get them to assassinate all the assassins
## Get them to assassinate the Assassino ministorum.
## Make them the new Assassino ministorum.
## Do not let him have a son. I don't want to deal with a Sarlacc pit every few years
# Organize the marriage of Miranda Nero and Captain Titus. If they wanted the plot of Space Marine, those two would've ended up getting married.
# On that note, I should allow Space Marines time to copulate with strong females. Would allow for a greater number of compatible gene seed initiates.
# Canonize Robin Willams [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robin_Williams] as a mother fucking Imperial Saint. Why? Because I like to laugh and he makes me feel good. THAT'S WHY!
# Resurrect [[Lord Solar Macharius]] as he seemed like a pretty competent general as well as a tactical genius.
## And heal his War Wounds so he can be fully badass.
# Play Cards Against Humanity.
# Resurrect those dumbass Inquisitors who started a war with the [[Space Wolves]] and then execute them as example for how fucking stupid they were
# By any means necessary get it into the Inquisition's thick skulls that they were wrong for a starting a war with the Space Wolves and apologize for being heartless dumbshits.
# Get some proper aircraft. We fucking need 'em.
# Change the battle doctrine of the Imperial Guard to rely more on air superiority and less on throwing waves of men and tanks the enemy.
# Cure [[Indrick Boreale]] of his speech impediment (and death).
# Find Vulkan
# Give him a hug and the rest of his Chapter too.
# Troll Trazyn the Infinite and steal his everything.
# Build an army of sexy robot waifus that don't need to carry weapons because they everything the need built into them. If some animes and JRPGs can do it then I can do it better. Also make them all lesbians
# Figure out which branch of the Imperium to put the above army into.
# Convince all orks that I'm the most powerful being in the universe and that I can't be killed.
# Include an online tutorial on Games Workshops' website for each game it sells. If it's good enough for Privateer Press and Fantasy Flight Games it's good enough for us.
# Do away with the practice of separating Terminator Squads between ranged and assault. The Dark Angels made the idea work and Terminators don't carry anything that warrants staying at long range as it is.
# Go back to before the Age of Strife and steal/reclaim all the the lost [[Standard Template Construct| STCs]], and whole Forge Worlds if necessary.
# Mass produce skimmer [[Fellblade| felblades]].
# Destroy all overused [[meme| memes]].
# Help the [[Necrons| 'crons]] reach their apotheosis thing, and then have the Angry Marines Cock nob 'em so they don't fuck with my Imperium.
# Get those two [[Sisters of Battle]] to confess to each other already. Seriously. I'm tired of them acting awkward and shy around each other when they are clearly in love.
# Install a speech device on the golden throne, just incase I need to fix the Imperium's fuckups if i fall asleep on the job again.
# Snort some warp dust.
# Stop the custodians from oiling themselves up and actually do somthing fucking useful
## How did Girlyman get them to do something.
# Give the Ultramarines a new role, as dog sitters for the Space Wolves.
## Correction: The Space Corgis
# Give the Dreadknight pilots a badass helmet or something so snipers don't destroy them
## Fuck, just make them tall Centurions at this point. Would be more effective than the stilts they are now.
# Go into the Rock and either bitchslap Luther or the Lion depending on who the Watchers in the Dark tattle on
# Upgrade all Imperial [[Titans]] so they can fly
# Find out what Watchers in the Dark actually look like under their robes.
# Find out what [[Angels Sanguine]] faces look like under their helmets. Bitch slap them - in the face (if it is actually possible). Every single one of them.
# Resurrect Relic, and ensure that they make the rest of the Space Marine Series, Titus deserves to be a motherfucking Primarch
# Make it imperial law that at least once a year every guardsman in the universe is allowed one free beer for the shit they do, hopefully that should prevent their temptation to go heretic on my arse
# Also, make a chain sword, sword chain to literally whip the imperium back into shape.
# Hold the Primarch of the year awards ceremony again, hopefully Horus can stay away this time.
# Prevent the victory of Chaos in [[The End Times]] so that Games Workshop has to advance the story instead of pulling a shit reboot that changes nothing
## Expect making Ground Marines and changing race names for no reason.
## Fuck you Mannfred.
# <s>Declare non-furry aliens that can interbreed with humans and have fertile off-spring close enough to being humans</s>{{BLAM}}
## So [[Love Can Bloom]] is a thing then. Well then my Webway for Eldar hookers isn't a lost cause then!
# Get better cooperation the Imperial Navy and Imperial Guard. I lose far too many brave gaurdsmen because the navy's incompetence leaves them without air support!
## COMBINED ARMS PEOPLE, THIS IS WHY WE HAVE MANUALS.
# <s>bring back the squats</s>{{BLAM}} {{BLAM|kill ALL the xenos!}}
## And bring the Demiurg too.
# Demote [[Commander Kubrik Chenkov]] because that idiot isn't fit to lead a parade, and put him in some random platoon that's never heard of him where he might actually kill more enemies than guardsmen.
# <s>Grab those Eldar and tau plasma weapons. I am not letting highly explosive weapons to stay in use. Seriously, It is like playing Russian Roulette with a [[Exterminatus]]</s>not needed anymore as the mechanicus had finally repaired it so that said russian roulette will only happen if the user overcharges the gun
## Also, get the laser rifles. NO. MOAAAR. FASHLIGGHTSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!
# Pat the Black Dragons on the back for putting up with all the shit that's thrown at them.
# Buy out Google and enforce Fair Use on Youtube with an iron fist.
# Berate the Adeptus Custodus for not preventing Goge Vandire's rise to power. Lazy fucks being lazy led to the worst thing for mankind since the Horus Heresy.
## Although considering they would much rather oil themselves, I'm guessing Vandire just bribed them with super lubricant.
# Steal a World Engine and start destroying Daemon Worlds with it.
# Have a backup plan for destroying Daemon Worlds if the World Engine can't do that.
# Finally defeat Leman Russ in an eating contest and a drinking contest.
# Find the Black Library and empty its contents. Then wreck it.
# Bring Ahriman to it and then trick him into thinking that the Black Library was just an elaborate hoax to troll him.
# Punish the Grey Knights for turning on the Space Wolves and not chopping the heads off those dumbass Inquisitors who decided the appropriate response to the Space Wolves wanting to spare the survivors of the Armageddon War was to try and kill them.
# Macha. Should. Be. FUCKED.
# Stop this whole "treating beastmen like mutants" thing. I did make them CITIZENS for a reason.
## I mean,they look better than all the gaunt, Necron looking women in the Imperium. I need a release too.
## You know what? Furries are citizens too, so no more of this "furfaggotry" bullshit. I'd like you to show me something that could track a fucking mouse in a blizzard. Other than a space wolf.
## A Felinid. We made them citizens so the others won't have bullshit arguments like this to be welcomed in.
## Bottle said tear, and give it to Girlyman. Then he might actually man up.
# Mix Speed, weed, heroin, cocaine, mushrooms, LSD, tobacco, pine-o-clean, petrol, diesel, battery acid, acid, salvia, some herbs and spices, some lettuce and tomato, some salt and vinegar, noodles, pretzels, pork scratchings, some doner kebab, vodka sauce, tabasco sauce, bam and the dirt is gone, red bull, Coca-Cola, Ajax spray and wipe, liquid hydrogen, protein shakes, some chicken and cheese, hash browns, jalapeno peppers, curry and wrap it all in a tortilla.
## Eat it.
## Make Leman Russ eat it.
## Make the hive mind eat it.
# Schola Progenium harem anime
## Starring [[Lucius the Eternal]]
# Visit that planet where I keep all of my pets. THEY BUILT A CITY!?
# Rematch the Void Dragon at that fight. Have the mechanicus duff all the others up.
# Get the mechanicus to make me an amp and a massive fucking pair of speakers, then attach them to a Baneblade, then plug in my holy guitar and shred so hard I make the Ordinatus Mars look like a disappointing fart.
# Bring back Warhammer Fantasy.
# Bring Horus back to life and kill him again.
# Find Mortarion and give him a bath.
# Find where those 100 Baneblades went...
# Have AdMec convert an Imperator Titan into my new power armor.
# Release an edict as to which order the gifts go in the song "The Twelve days of the feast of My ascension".
# Get Games Workshops to put free digital copies of all out of date codexes and army books on their website so fans of old books can still read them.
# Drain Khorn's blood lake, then eat his khorn flakes while watching sitting in his throne and watching something noblebright.
# Give Nurgle's garden a good spring cleaning, then perma-pork Isha.
# Delete Slaanesh's porn collection, then replace her crack with sugar.
## Also, create a extra strength anti-viagra and mix it in with the sugar.
## And whatever is the opposite of laxatives and mix that in with the sugar too.
# Ghostbust Tzeench's tower, then [[Blood Ravens|steal]] his change.
# If I have time, kill Khorn with kindness, kill Slaanesh with boredom, kill Nurgle with Mr. Clean, and kill Tzeench with Warhammer 40k's plot progression.
# Housebreak the [[Space Wolves|space corgis]].
# Make carnifex choke on a [[Ultramarines|smurf]] see what color it turns.
# Make a Warhammer fighting game
# Punch [[Lorgar]] in the face.
## Make him fuck the Lectio Divinitatus with sandpaper pages.
# <s>Punch the fucker who Blam'd me when I made numbers 441 and 443</s>{{BLAM}}
# {{BLAM}} a commissar cause it'll be funny
# Steal one of those [[Necron]] pylons and put them on Terra so that I no longer have to keep trying to not let it become a new Eye of Terror.
# <s>Make skub usage mandatory for all guardsmen</s>{{BLAM}}
# Catch all the C'tan shards and become the very best, the best that ever was.
# Give the Orks their home-world back. Those damn toaster fuckers on mars had no right to teleport it away and it turn it into Armageddon.
# Walk into [[Commorragh]], out troll and out dick [[Asdrubael Vect]], then bitch slap him to death in front of everyone in Commorragh.
## Then fuck [[Lelith Hesperax]] to death before I leave.
# Point out to AdMec that their statement that all technology already exists logically renders innovation impossible, as any attempt would only reproduce something that already exits. Secondly, some STC technology would be otherwise lost permanently. How's that for Divine Inspiration from the Omnissiah.
# Keep sending [[Kor'Sarro Khan]] to fight the Space Communists.
## <s>make sure he and Shadowsun get it on.</s>{{BLAM}} {{BLAM|Heresy!}}
## PROFIT.
# Kill all the Inquisitors who think it's a good idea to kill all [[Astropath|Astropaths]] and [[Navigator|Navigators]] (who we need to stop the Imperium falling apart), and [[Space Marines]] (because they are fucking awesome)
# Kill all the Inquisitors who thought that me dying and reincarnating into someone else was a good idea.
# Build a gun with enough [[Dakka]].
## Show it to the Orks.
## Let them fire at me til they run out of ammo.
## Laugh
## Show the Orks a gun with more than enough Dakka, and blast the shit out of them.
# Kill [[Lucius|Lucius the Eternal]] for good, as he can't possess me.
## Then resurrect everyone who got possessed, kill any Xenos and Chaos Worshippers who killed him, and bro fist anyone from the Imperium who killed him for being able to kill him.
# Dance, just do a little dance, I was stuck in a chair for 10000 years, it would feel good to move.
# Give the Lamenters a hug, they need it.
# Find out what the Blood R- chapter is from the bananastodes.
## And play the holo-game Dawn of War. I hear it's worth playing.
# Play Stellaris as Xenophobic/Militant Humans to see what the Great Crusade could have been.
# Make a Primarch out of the Commander of X-COM because he is far more competent than anyone in the Imperium.
# Attend Angelos' and Macha's wedding.
## And them promptly allow Eldrad to fuck shit up.
# Give my Caretaker Kitten pay since he doesn't get any
## Then send him to get tea
## And Carnifex crumpets
# Keep an eye on Rowboat Girlyman's waifu.
## Fuck, how many Primarchs, Space Marines, and Chapter masters have girlfriends now? Even if there isn't an actual connection?
## Keep an eye on the shippers.
### But don't read the fanfics.
# Cut off Faptau and Shlichtau hands.
# Eat a meatbread
# Rub some skrub on me bones, yarr.
# Work out that crick in my lower back.
# Go to Emprah Burger and get an Empy meal.
# Go back in time to finish the webway project and get Eldar prostitutes for myself and my sons. That should stop them from bitching constantly.
# Punch all the [[Marines Malevolent]] for being such dicks.
# Thank the Lamenters for getting shit done.
# Bitch-slap Guilliman for being a douchebag smurf.
# Bitch-slap the rest of the Ultratwats.
# Have my daily time with adorable centurion.
# Yell at the Inquisition and Grey Knights for thinking the Dark Angels are heretics.
# Officially rename the Primaris Primarysues.
# Drink ten pots of esspresso. Seriously, sitting stationary for about eleven millenia makes you need energy.
# Convince Ynnead to bring Sanguinius back to life. Then make him lord-commander of the Imperium.
# Make the battle cry of all gaurdsmen under twenty to be "For de Imperwium, oh fuck I dwopped my bwanket".
# put a warp drive into a rhino and fly into the eye of terror, screaming MEATLE BAWKSERS because why the fuck not.
# Make Sly Marbo the ruler of the imperium because I need to catch up on shit that I missed while sitting on a motherfucking mechanical toilet for the the 10,000 fucking years!
# Tell mortaring to have a bath.
# Tell Abaddon to Grow a pair (of arms).
# Decide if traps are gay or not.
# Go digging through the ruins of Old Earth and find some tank designs from late M2/early M3.

== Gathering Storm Special List ==
Holy shit, [[Games Workshop]] are actually doing some plot development for 40k. Okay, I'll make a special list just for anything that happens there.

# Get [[Ynnead]] to wake up fully so I have someone new to bitch-slap, but let him screw over [[Slaanesh]] first if I haven't already done it, as my time is to important to waste. Besides, the [[Eldar]] created Slaanesh, so let's give them a chance to sort it out.
## Actually make a deal with him, resurrect me or people I like if I need it (or can't be bothered to do it myself) and I won't bitchslap you.
# So [[Roboute Guilliman]] and some dude named [[Belisarius Cawl]] are creating some [[Primaris Marines|Neo-Space Marines]]. Okay, I'll see what they come up with, then make something even better.
## And definitely think of a better name than Primaris Marines.
###And tell Cawl to stop naming things after himself.
## And while I'm at it, make a super version of the Custodes, and give them even more bling.
# The [[Imperium]] has been cut in half by a massive warp storm. Okay, now I'm really pissed off. I am so going to close this.
## And the [[Eye of Terror]] has gotten bigger and enveloped Cadia. This both pisses me off and makes several points on the main list harder.
# So now [[Armageddon]] has been assaulted by a fuckton of [[Khorne]] [[daemons]]. I do hope the [[Orks]] and daemons kill each other, because it will be a pain in the ass for me to sort out.
# So [[Imotekh the Stormlord|Imotekh the Stormlord's]] empire just got a whole lot bigger, huh. Well at least the [[Tau]] has something new to fight. And the rest of them better not try anything with me, or I'll bitchslap them to death.
## And they won't be reanimating from that.
# Xenos are taking a back seat, and the focus is on the Imperium vs Chaos. Okay, I'm cool with that. Chaos really pisses me off.
## But I'm still gonna fuck over any xeno that pisses me off.
# Now that stats go above 10, I'm going to make a gun with Strength that's over 9000.
## My dick's Strength is over 9000. Just sayin.
# Set the Damocles Gulf back of fire. That was fucking awesome.
# Bitchslap the Tau's Fifth Sphere Expansion. I don't like those blue skinned motherfuckers.
#Four new Hive Fleets has appeared. But one of them is eating the others. Okay, see who wins, then stomp the survivors to death.
# Wait, is there really a chance the [[Sanguinius]] will return. Well if he does I'll make him tell me where he's been and what's he been up to for the past 10,000 years, on pain of bitchslapping.
## Same goes for any of the [[Primarchs]] that return.
#So [[Nurgle]] thinks he can take [[Ultramar]] for himself. Not cool. I'll going to punch the shit off him, the beat the crap out of him.
#[[Tzeentch]] is messing thing up as well. I wonder, should I beat him intellectually or physically.
##Maybe punch him in the face then steal his books? He is a massive nerd after all.
#How did [[Khorne]] attack [[Terra]]. He attacked my pad. As soon as I can, I'm going to find him, outrage him, then kick him in the balls so hard they explode.
##Also steal his throne.
#Tell the AdMech that it time to start using some innovation. And reveal what secrets they've been keeping.

Star Trek

2018-04-04T09:40:09Z

2001:1970:4D29:5A00:102B:4720:998B:B39C: /* So why should I care? */

{{cleanup}}
[[File:Enterprise.jpg|thumb|500px|right|If you aren't already hearing the theme song you might not belong here.]]
'''''Star Trek''''' is a multimedia science-fiction series and one of the cornerstones of nerdy media properties, and one of the few to crossover into mainstream popularity (alongside ''[[Star Wars]]'', ''[[Doctor Who]]'' and a few others). It's also one of the longest-running science fiction franchises, with over 50 years of geek history spanning several generations. Needless to say, it's had a huge influence on all things sci-fi, and, by extension, [[/tg/]].

Originally, ''Star Trek'' was [[noblebright]] beyond noblebright and, in many ways, was the polar opposite of ''[[Warhammer 40,000|Warhammer 40K's]]'' [[grimdark]]. The more recent reboot films, however, have taken a much, ''much'' more grimdark tone, which is delightfully [[skub]]tastic.

== Games ==
There's been plenty of tabletop games and [[/v/|vidya gaems]] featuring ''Star Trek'' without being merchandising bullshit (see: themed ''[[Monopoly]]'' sets), including one of the earliest action multiplayer wargame: ''Netrek''.

*'''''Star Trek: Adventure Gaming in the Final Frontier''''' (1978) The very first Trek tabletop [[RPG]]. Written by, I shit you not, Michael Scott. Groggy (grokky?) as all hell, and due for an OSR.
* '''''[[Star Fleet Battles]] (SFB)''''' (1979-) The crunchiest starship combat game you're ever going to find outside of a computer. Based on the original series and not any of the later series, for licensing reasons. Takes some liberties with the setting, which (combined with the aforementioned licensing) is why "''Star Trek''" isn't actually in the title.
* '''''Star Trek: The Role Playing Game''''' (1982-1989) Made by [[FASA]], essentially ''[[Traveller]]''-lite, or a happier, shinier ''[[Rogue Trader]]''. Hasn't aged terribly well, what with having been made when the only canonical ''Star Trek'' materials to work with were the original and animated series, the first four films, and a couple of now non-canon novels. If you try to dust it off, expect tons of conflict with the rest of the show. Died as they were trying to update it for ''TNG'', because Paramount's corporate suits (surprise, surprise) had no idea what an RPG actually entailed and were worried about violence, and getting their cut, and... oh you know the drill by now. Welcome to the 80's.
* '''''Star Trek: Starship Tactical Combat Simulator''''' (1983) FASA designed this, so it feels like ''[[Battletech]]'' but not as good.
* '''''Prime Directive''''' (1993-2008) The most successful tabletop RPG line (but that's not saying much), it's actually still in print. Produced by Amarillo Design Bureau, so again no direct name-dropping of "''Star Trek''." Lasted as long as it did by constantly evolving, in Borg-like fashion, to adapt to the current zeitgeist. Has had 4 editions, with the second using [[GURPS]], the third using [[Wizards of the Coast|d20]], and the fourth [[d20 Modern]].
* '''''Star Trek [[Card_Game|CCG]]''''' (1994-2007, 2011-2014, 2013-2015, 2018-) There's been a few of these, most notably the games released by [[Decipher]], but never globally popular. They also suffered from game balance problems from fans wanting their fave character, but needing extra rules for their quirks. There's also the problem of putting numbers to character stats, such as one game that asserted that [[Heresy|Picard having about twice the integrity of a Klingon pig]]. Later versions are "deck-building" games to try to cash in on the popularity of ''[[Dominion]]'' and ''[[Thunderstone]]''. And now virtual CCGs are the order of the day.
* '''''Star Trek: The Next Generation Role Playing Game''''' (1998-1999) The next attempt, made by Last Unicorn Games. Won an award for best new game, which makes it a complete shame that no one has ever played it.
* '''''Star Trek Red Alert''''' (2000) A Diskwars game themed to ''Star Trek''.
* '''''Star Trek Roleplaying Game''''' (2002-2005) When [[Decipher]] had the CCG license, they decided, "What the hell, let's make an RPG, too." It, like so many of its predecessors, died unnoticed and unmourned.
* '''''Star Trek Online''''' (2010-) An [[MMORPG|MMO]]. Decent gameplay mechanics, especially starship combat. Storyline leaves something to be desired, especially when the ostensibly [[Noblebright|peaceful]] Federation trades shots at least once with every other faction in the galaxy.
* '''''Call To Arms: Star Trek''''' (2011) [[Mongoose_Publishing|Mongoose]]'s license for ''Babylon 5'' expired, so they collaborated with Amarillo Design Bureau (the ''Star Fleet Battles'' guys), re-themed the game to Star Trek along with improving the system to make it more nifty. Less micro-management than SFB, and ships get some cinematic feats.
* '''''Star Trek: Expeditions''''' (2011) Ignore the tie-ins to the movie, Reiner Knizia designed this. Explore the gameboard, flip over missions, try to have the proper crew to get victory points.
* '''''Star Trek: Fleet Captains''''' (2011) Tile flipping, exploring, and spaceships fighting over resources
* '''''Star Trek: Attack Wing''''' (2013-) [[WizKids]] license the flightpath system from [[Fantasy Flight Games]] and adds ''Star Trek'' to the mix, [[Skub]] ensues. The game has been consistently plagued with balance issues, to the point that the rules errata is more than ten times longer than the actual rules. The actual current rules for things like the Borg special movement and fighter squadrons are completely different than the rules as written.
* '''''Star Trek Adventures''''' (2017-) The latest attempt at an RPG, by Modiphius, coming out soon to tentative praise. It also comes with a whole range of miniatures of the various crews from the show.

== So why should I care? ==
Because between them, these six TV series and their assorted spinoff movies, books, etc. can provide inspiration for any sci-fi game you could care to run. If you want light-hearted action, look at the sort of things that happened in ''TOS'' or ''DS9'' to get the crew into some dangerous situation. If you want a charismatic villain, look at Gul Dukat or the Borg Queen. If you want moral issues and debates, look at the shit that happened to Voyager and remove all the transparent deck-stacking and cheesy moralizing (or you could read any decent SF book/watch a ''Twilight Zone'' episode written in the previous 50 years, if you don't need your source material to be served at a 2nd grade level). Like [[Tolkien]] is to fantasy it's a prime gateway drug to science fiction and especially science fiction which is more than "action movie IN SPACE!"

Not to mention in any sci-fi RPG with remotely free-form rules you're likely to encounter ''Star Trek'' fanboys, so you might as well know what they're talking about. The unholy spawn of a Trekkie and a [[Furry]] is known as a [[Chakat]], and you should fear it.

At its best ''Star Trek'' is thoughtful, optimistic futurism with a positive human element and brings you to strange new worlds in the grand tradition of speculative fiction which is accessible to even the layman. At its worst ''Star Trek'' is arrogant, smug, hypocritical, preachy, dull, sloppy and prone to the strawman fallacy.

== Setting ==
Here's the Cliff's Notes on ''Star Trek''. A couple of general warnings; firstly, ''Star Trek'' likes to ''really'' take its "racial themes" bits just a little too far. Second, despite this, it's rare for an entire race to be completely irredeemable the way many fictional aliens are: there are heroic and sympathetic characters from nearly every race listed below, able to put more-positive spins on their racial themes. Thirdly, aside from very occasional appearances by [[H.P. Lovecraft|aliens who are so bizarre that humankind can barely comprehend them]], all of the aliens look like dudes with rubber masks on (because they are). In real life, this was because there was no budget for anything else, but in-universe it's been explained by some kind of [[Old Ones|Precursor]] race who seeded all of the planets with their broadly humanoid DNA, and every race evolved slightly differently from there. There isn't much [[fluff]] on what these precursors were like, and some of it was contradictory, and Gene Roddenberry didn't like the idea (although he still had to work with the rubber forehead stuff). The good news for fa/tg/uys who like [[homebrew]] is that this makes it fairly easy to write [[d20 system]] rules for all of the races -after all, most ''D&D'' races are just humans with rubber masks on...

=== A Composite Creation ===
This is a general note that one should consider: Star Trek was created in pretty much the opposite way as The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings. Tolkien worked out a bunch of linguistic stuff and general history of Arda in his spare time, then decided to use that as the basis for some stories that he eventually gave to some publishers which in the end sold quite well. Roddenberry by contrast pitched a very broad general idea (it's the future, things are good, we got guys some on a ship exploring space) to the networks who eventually took it up on it and had him work with a variety of writers and actors who added to this rough skeleton of an idea in a process that would continue on to this day. This is not to knock either approach, but both have their advantages and disadvantages. In regards to Star Trek, a franchise which relies mostly on an episode of the week format that's been going on for more than half a century this means that the canon is a fucking mess. There were numerous people at the helm and many of them had often very different ideas about what should be done that were just thrown out to see what stuck, many of which were contradictory and some of which we'd frankly rather forget. In general fans and fluff writers have been spending a whole lot of time trying to straighten out things and much of the lore is basically a rough consensus of what people like and what fits in with it. Latter series got more systematic about this, but there are still points of contention.
=== Factions ===
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'''The Federation'''
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[[File:Federation_Ships.jpg|thumb|500px|left|Starfleet's ships of the Line (pre-reboot)]]
Might as well talk about that main faction. The United Federation of Planets is what the [[Tau]] think they are. Its backstory is that in the distant future of the 1990s, [[God-Emperor of Mankind|übermensch]] [[Space Marines|created by genetic engineering]] began conquering the Earth. The [[Imperial Guard|normies]] fought back and won through sheer numbers, cryogenically freezing the Augments and kicking them out of Earth, but the damage and mass political unrest of World War III got half the planet nuked. This was why genetic engineering was banned. Fortunately, in 2063, <s>a drunkard asshole</s> a heroic visionary named Zefram Cochrane created humanity's first warp drive (based on the Alcubierre drive of wonky gravity manipulation to contract spacetime in front of you, instead of going through a Hyperspace full of Lovecraftian horrors i.e. the [[Warp]]) and made first contact with the Vulcans. The Vulcans eventually helped humanity rebuild and overcome poverty, disease, war and hunger. With its Earthly problems solved, man turned to the stars and found out its three closest neighbors were [[Imperium of Man|racist xenophobic dicks trying to murder each other]]. Since any war between them would've swept up puny little Earth and gotten it glassed, humans decided to force their neighbors to sit down and talk things out. Incredibly, it worked, and the United Federation of Planets was born.

The Federation is a commie [[noblebright]] hippieland society with a strong democratic government ([[Mary Sue|pretty much Roddenberry's idea of utopia]]). As a result, Federation citizens work not because they have to, but because they want to. However, despite their advanced technology, transhumanism, that is intentionally making [[Space Marines|SPESS MEHREENS]] and mutants like the infamous antagonist Khan Noonien Singh, is illegal.

The Federation's Navy is almost always called Starfleet. It's a mix between a military, a coast guard and a space agency, and usually rates scientific research as a higher priority than defense. One of its quirks is that it doesn't subscribe to the "bigger is better" policy used in most [[Warhammer 40K|sci-fi]], and even by most of the other ''Star Trek factions''. If the Federation ''does'' make a large ship, it's because they want it to have a daycare, swimming pool and ice cream bar. If they want a warship, they'll take a little gunship half the size of a modern day destroyer and pack it with enough antimatter nukes and guns to exterminate a solar system. In some cases, especially when dealing with ships from several centuries into the future, the ship is bigger on the inside than on the outside [[Creed|allowing it to hide a vast array of powerful armaments, ''space-bending'' equipment, and even whole planetary landscapes]]. They can get away with this because they out-tech almost everyone else by a country mile. The reason for the series' infamous "technobabble" is that <s>even ''they'' don't know everything their tech can do!</s> their technology is always evolving, and they know it so well that they can often use it in ways that even the original in-show design schematics did not intend.

In theory, Starfleet follows a rule called the "Prime Directive", which says that you're not allowed to interfere with low-tech races ("low-tech" being defined as "not having invented the warp drive", since warp technology apparently follows naturally from the laws of physics) or else things like turning the locals into Nazis might happen. The Original Series talked about this rule all the time, and Captain Kirk threw it aside whenever there was a sexy alien babe in sight. From ''TNG'' onward, it tended to instead be brought up whenever a hack writer needed a reason for the heroes to ''not'' instantly resolve a given problem with their superior technology or a way of making our heroes look like assholes for following it rigidly (yes, we could save this species from extinction but that would be interfering with the cosmic plan!), though there were a few good episodes that took it seriously.

Some of the more important member races are:
* [[Humans]]: You know 'em, you love 'em. Comprise 90% of Starfleet for reasons in no way related to the cost of makeup/CGI.
* Vulcan: The Original [[Eldar|Space Elves]], very emotional, especially during "pon'farr" (see below), who embraced rationalism after their emotions nearly led to them wiping themselves out. They are what the average race of fantasy elves think they are, except on ''Enterprise'' because the writers wanted to artificially inject tension into the show (and much of that was revealed to be a Romulan plot). Occasionally enter a state called "pon'farr," where they need to either [[Dark Eldar| fuck something half to death]], kill it with the nearest sharp object, or die of a brain aneurysm to let out all that pent-up emotional tension. Fa/tg/uys may recognize this as the sensation they feel every time [[Games Workshop]] puts out a new army book. Pretty bro-tier overall
* Andorians: Blue dudes with antennae and constant fits of passion, the polar opposite of Vulcans and there one time foes. Pretty much fa/tg/uys, right down to the romantic streak, in the technical sense. Also, they live underground on a diet of meatbread and rage.
* Tellarites: Space [[Dwarf|Dorfs]]; like insulting everyone and arguing a lot (no, really, petty insults are considered a polite gesture in Tellarite culture).
* Betazoids: Humanoid aliens with empathic powers. Well-regarded by Starfleet captains for their ability to point out the obvious. Their homeworld is like dropping a really hippie college and Space Vegas into a blender.
* Trill: Originally a one-off race introduced as a sapient parasite that possesses and controls a barely, or even unintelligent humanoid host, they were radically reworked in ''Deep Space Nine'', right down to losing their rubber foreheads in favor of spots. Now, the host is itself an intelligent humanoid, and some, but not all, of their kind are able to willingly merge with a symbiont (because someone can't spell) that allows them to access a mixture of the memories and personalities of all previous hosts, though in a way that, theoretically, enhances the host's personality rather than destroying it or subsuming it. Then, when they die, they can pass on the symbiont to another host, theoretically one they mentored.
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'''The Klingon Empire'''
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[[Image:Batleth.jpg|thumb|right|A Bat'Leth (sword of honor), one of several types of Klingon bladed weapons. Frequently mocked IRL for being a poorly designed weapon.]]
[[Commissar|''"It is a good day to die!"'']]

The Federation's main rival and (movie era and afterwards) the quintessential ''Star Trek'' race of lumpy foreheaded aliens. Originally they were a rough analogue to the Russians (though they took elements from [[Communism|communist Chinese]]) in a rough cold war allegory with the Federation (even though the Federation are as commie as they come). Their defining feature was that they were militaristic while the Federation was scholarly. This gradually moved more and more into them becoming Imperial Japan/[[Vikings]] In SPESSS obsessed with honor, fighting and dying honorably in battle while worshiping at the altar of [[Sigmar|warrior Jesus]], even as they turned from the Federation's bitter enemies into that friend who's fun to be around when he's not getting into drunken bar fights. You see shades of it in during the movie era and it became more and more prominent through ''TNG'', culminating in ''DS9''. Do not make the mistake of thinking that Klingons are nothing more than barbaric savages however; with Worf being part of the crew, and with ''DS9'' dealing with Klingon politics an awful lot we can see Klingon society as it truly is. Even so they do often wander into self parody territory.

The Klingons, in their current iteration, are a feudal society ruled by a council made up of the most powerful families. Klingon society holds very little value on things such as currency and material gain (which results in the Klingon empire [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q65l7RHUx2A having a very simplistic understanding of economics]), believing that anything you acquire without some form of blood, sweat and/or tears on your part is a pathetic way of going about things. Another thing to keep in mind is that a Klingon's reputation is literally everything. This can be easily seen in the episode "The House Of Quark" where dying honorably can literally change the outcome of an entire noble house, later when the Grand Council is visibly disgusted at D'Ghor. No respectable Klingon uses ''money'' to defeat his opponents. And no respectable Klingon would be so eager to perform an execution of an unarmed Ferengi in what was supposed to be an honorable duel. Klingons are still capable of being cunning and crafty however, and having a high diplomacy score is viewed as honorable as they still have examples of cunning and clever heroes tricking boorish and stupid monsters.

[[Warhammer 40000|Klingons often carry swords into battle in an age of energy beam guns]]. In-universe, this is less suicidal than it sounds in the context of boarding actions and tight starship corridors. The Bat'leth is actually a rather shitty weapon. The Mek'leth is noted to be better in most situations in universe. They use the same Disruptor weapons as the Romulans. While is explained as a temporary alliance. It was just excuse to not make news props due to the show's limited budget in the sixties or to save time so the animators don't have to rebuild their SFX each time characters get caught in a firefight during the post TNG era.

The Klingons are tied with the Vulcans as being the most prominent and recognizable non-human species in Star Trek. Beloved of the Internet and the general public, to the point that there are published books like "A Klingon Christmas" in the world. The Klingons have their own constructed language. If you are ever worrying that you might not be a nerd, learning Klingon will solve that problem for you. They also wrote Shakespeare.
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'''The Romulan Star Empire'''
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''"It's always chess with the Romulans"''

You know those [[Eldar|Vulcans]]? Well a few thousand years ago, their planet was ravaged by war. A few of them turned themselves to intense emotional control and logic to tame their murderous passions, while most others left the planet altogether, founding a colony on the planet Romulus and dubbing themselves [[Dark Eldar|Romulans]]. Since said planet shares a name with a mythical figure known for founding [[Roman Empire|a city which built a vast empire]], and they had warp drive while those around them did not, you probably know that they turned to building an empire of their own. They hold the second place of prominence as immediate rivals to the Federation. Comically, they actually have better emotional control than the average Vulcan, since they gene-engineered most of their problems away years ago, and don't have to deal with the emotional blowback from pon'farr. The downside is that they lost some of their cousins' niftier powers, like mind reading and being able to transfer their soul into a jar for safekeeping. Although Star Trek Online also revealed that their trip to Romulus was a terrible ordeal, and their gene-engineering was taking during that time resulting in them losing most emotions save for bitterness of being "forced out".

The difference between the Klingons and the Romulans is basically the difference between Gork and Mork, or Khorne and Tzeentch. Klingons will fight you up front with simple brute force. Romulans are sneakier guys, preferring to fight you when you're not looking with spies, cloaked ships and complex plots behind the scenes and playing the long game. There is a lot of political infighting among them, though where the Klingons would duel to the death Romulans would seek to discredit their rivals, have them die in unfortunate 'accidents' or disappear. This difference has left both Romulans and Klingons with a big hate-boner for each other, to the Romulans the Klingons are crude brutish barbarians and to the Klingons the Romulans are a pack of scheming cowardly weaklings.

Like the Klingons, they filled a rough cold war allegory. In this case, they were rough analogs to Communist China (as seen by 1960s Americans). A force which was threatening and vast, but also a secretive unknown. The first major Interstellar War that Star Trek Earth fought was with the Romulans, which was fought entirely in space with neither side ever seeing the other face to face. Afterwards they set up a 'No Fly Zone' between the Federation and the Romulan Empire that no one even tried to cross for a century. From the Original Series onward, they frequently squabble and bicker with the Federation, before joining forces with them to fight the Dominion in ''Deep Space Nine'' and having their government devastated in ''Nemesis''.
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'''The Ferengi Alliance'''
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[[Image:GW_Ferengi.jpg|thumb|left|A typical ferengi engaged in typical ferengi activities]]
''"A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all."''-Eighteenth Rule of Acquisition

Introduced in ''TNG's'' early days as the villains for the series. What [[/pol/]] thinks Jews are. The idea was to make a caricature of capitalism as a contrast with the techno-socialist Federation. This might have worked if this were not [[FAIL|''TNG's'' early days]]. Instead they overshot the mark by a light year or so, on top of other bad decisions, and you got a race of short (Gene wanted to make an evil short race as big evil races were overplayed), big-eared, [[goblin]]-like losers about as threatening as a grumpy pug. Over the first and second seasons they tried to make these guys threatening, but they fell flat on their face every time. Eventually the writers just said "fuck it" and the Ferengi got demoted to comic relief species, and their status as terrible enemies was demoted to propaganda designed to scare the Federation while the Ferengi government tried to figure out what to make of a species that rejected the acquisition of wealth as a goal. The Ferengi had some good moments in the later seasons of ''TNG'', but most of the best stuff that fleshed them out came from ''DS9'', which had an [[awesome]] Ferengi bartender named Quark as a major character. For an idea of what the Ferengi might have been like if the writers had their shit together, look up the Druuge of [[Star Control|Star Control II.]]

Ferengi religion is only hinted upon in ''DS9'', but what is seen implies a simplistic system based on financial success. Ferengi all follow a rulebook/canon known as the Rules of Acquisition, which can be described as Ayn Rand IN SPACE and condensed into the form of Confucius' Analects. There are 285 of these, each a short piece of advice on how to stay in the black. Examples include "Peace is good for business," "War is good for business," "Never have sex with the boss's daughter," and "Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack." The first, and most important, of these is "Once you have their money, you never give it back." Sometimes, the Ferengi Randian spirituality extends into outright interpretations of the afterlife: according to some, the afterlife consists of the Divine Treasury and the Vault of Eternal Destitution, which are respectively analogous to Heaven and Hell. Entrance into one or the other depends on one's business ventures at the time of death; those that were turning a profit are allowed to enter the Divine Treasury, and the rest are damned to the Vault.

Ferengi government is ruled over by a Grand Nagus, a mix between a pope and a CEO, and he basically treats his civilization like some sort of company, with citizens regarded as workers. Directly below him is the Ferengi Commerce Authority, a [[what|quasi-religious]] organization dedicated to ensuring that correct business practices were followed and correct moral behavior was shown (including keeping the proles in line), although to the Ferengi, these are one and the same. The agents of the FCA are the Liquidators, who are essentially Inquisitors crossed with IRS auditors on steroids. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
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'''The Borg'''
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[[Image:Borg cube.jpg|300px|thumb|right|The Borg have assimilated and improved your [[d6|die]]. It always rolls six. Crap your pants, 'cause resistance is futile.]]
{{Topquote|We are the Borg. Lower your shields and surrender your ships. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your culture shall adapt to service us. Resistance is futile.|The Borg's opening hail. This is not a boast or a brag, it's them simply explaining you how things are going to go down.}}
{{Topquote|One other thing. You may encounter Enterprise crew members who've already been assimilated. Don't hesitate to fire. Believe me, you'll be doing them a favour.|Picard going full [[grimdark]].}}

The Ferengi were utter failures as serious villains, so they needed something to fill that gap. Thus they made the Borg, an aggressive [[Tyranid|hive minded]] collective of hyper-adaptive, [[Necron|regenerating]] cyborgs that assimilate entire species into itself in its attempt to improve itself. Shit, that's like coming up with [[Warforged]] while trying to replace [[Kender]].

In many ways, the Borg are the truest dark reflection of the Federation, and despite their name, they're not Swedish. While the Feds want you to join their little club on your own, to "add your culture to the galactic community," the Prime Directive means they will ultimately accept you turning them down, even if you have shit they really want. The Borg say fuck that and just absorb you. While the Federation believes everyone should work together [[Tau|for the greater good]], they still have a very strong sense of individualism and a culture of personal accomplishment (unless your individual belief happens to run counter to the Federations principles anyway, in which case you're just WRONG because the Federation is the best). The Borg pool all their minds together into a massive collective consciousness in the pursuit of group perfection. The Federation is all about beauty and tranquility and all that hippie stuff, and their tech is eco-friendly and dolphin-safe. Borg [[Tyranids|strip mine entire planets and drain entire oceans]] in the name of growth and efficiency.

Your standard Borg [[cubes|cube]] is a huge multi-kilometer [[Firaeveus Carron|metal box]] (yes, bigger than most [[Imperial Navy]] cruisers) able to go up against an entire Federation warfleet and win. That's right, one of their ships could threaten the entire Federation and [[Exterminatus]] Earth. When done right, [[Necron|they are a cold, calculating, nigh-unstoppable force, a threat to all life]] that wants to retain free and distinct personalities (although they will ignore a single person if not on an assimilation mission, as what they really want is to absorb whole civilizations). Apparently, in Picard's nightmare in ''First Contact'', the Borg assimilation process includes a surgical [[Grimdark|drill through the eye. While awake.]]

They got a bad downgrade during ''Voyager'' (blowing up cubes full of tens of thousands of drones because a few of them have been severed from the Hive Mind), but even there they were frequently not to be messed with. One amusing thing to note for people that haven't watched ''TNG'': the Borg were actually only in six episodes (and three were breakaway drones) and one movie, yet they're arguably the franchise's most famous pure villains aside from Khan. Goes to show how good they were when written properly. Then in ''Voyager'' they get their shit completely pushed in when they discover a new race of extradimensional aliens which they label Species 8472, which were immune to being assimilated, and had to ask the Federation for help in dealing with them. [https://1d4chan.org/images/4/47/Bloodcrons.jpg Wait, this sounds familiar...]
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'''The Cardassian Union'''
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Introduced in ''TNG'', they are third fiddle to the Klingons and the Romulans. If the Klingons are hypothetically-honorable techno-barbarian warriors and the Romulans are an empire of civilized and refined but sly and ruthless expansionists, the Cardassians are essentially scaly fascists re-enacting ''[[1984]]'' IN SPACE. Their trials announce the outcome at the beginning, and the defense attorney is executed if he wins. Also, THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS!

Originally a race of peaceable, spiritual artists called the Hebitians (ironically not dissimilar to the Bajorans), modern Cardassia was born in hunger and desperation when their homeworld began to suffer simultaneous mass famine, pandemic, resource depletion, and ecological collapse. A military junta seized power, literally auctioned off the soul of the world through liquidating all the planet's art and religious artifacts into cold hard cash, and turned the Cardassians into the opportunistic imperialists they are today.

Despite being a whole lot weaker than the Federation, the Cardassians manage to hold their own, partly because what they lack in resources and raw power is made up for by a combination of intense cunning and high charisma stats. Compared to the equally deceptive Romulans, the Cardies are more likely to flash you a smile while tickling your ribs with a knife. They'll use any tool they can to gain the upper hand and while that often means unpleasant and terminal sessions in dark rooms, strip mined planets and the enslavement of entire species, they'll gladly become your bestest buddy if it would achieve their goals. Their intelligence service, the Obsidian Order, is also one of the most ruthlessly efficient organizations in the entire sector, managing to outscale the Romulan Tal Shiar when it comes to producing magnificent bastards and manipulating the politics of entire worlds to their advantage. Unlike the Romulans or the Klingons, they don't tolerate the sort of literal infighting that is rampant in both those states, that shit only serves to weaken '''GLORIOUS CARDASSIA''' and needs to be stamped out with ruthless efficiency. Exposing that someone who just happens to be your enemy as being a dangerous subversive is just a benefit, although this can result in both sides of a conflict shouting "for Cardassia" as they charge each other. Sort of how Democrats and Republicans are both for America, yet oppose each other.

Cardassia has a very fluid hierarchical government, similar to the political realities of post-Stalin but pre-Collaspe Soviet Russia. Broadly speaking, there are three different facets of the government: the Militant arms (which holds all the power) the Obsidian Order (who holds the least amount of power, but controls the most puppets) and the Detapa Council (similar to the [[High Lords of Terra]] and just as worthless). Cardassian society holds a very strict view of family, placing family just below the needs of the State.

The State holds a semi-divine mythical status in the eyes of it's citizens, with it being viewed as impossible for the State to ever make mistakes. The ideal Cardassian life was one of complete loyalty and servitude to the State and family. The Cardassian government was assumed to be omniscient, omnipotent, and benevolent by pretty much everyone, with all Cadassians gladly giving of themselves to the State. Such was this level of belief that when Picard was tortured by the Obsidian order, the torturer saw nothing wrong with bringing his daughter to work because he was working for the State, and therefore the torture of Picard could never be disturbing or wrong.

As far as plot significant activities went, they had a war with the Federation a few years before ''TNG'' which ended in the creation of a Demilitarized Zone between the two powers and (significant to ''Deep Space Nine'') abandoning the previously occupied planet of Bajor they had exploited for resources. They joined the Dominion towards the end of ''DS9'', which was some serious bad news for the ''DS9'' crew.
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'''The Bajoran Republic'''
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The Bajorans are a species native to the Planet Bajor. They were, until shortly before the events of ''Deep Space Nine'', under a brutal occupation by the Cardassians who strip mined their planet. After that, they got their independence, although they're thinking about joining the Federation. The Bajorans have one system and are technologically backwards; the Federation is technically breaking the Prime Directive by interacting with them, but as they've spent years under the oppression of a warp-capable species, they can probably handle it. Also ''DS9'' proves that ancient Bajorans managed to travel at warp speeds to Cardassia using solar sails and an enormous amount of luck, which technically makes them a warp-capable species. The only reason why they are significant in terms of the politics of ''Star Trek'' is that they have a wormhole near their planet, which has some timey-wimey aliens living it that they worship as gods. Also, their species has the oldest civilization (roughly a half-million years) of any major ''Star Trek'' race.

The big thing that makes the Bajorans unique is that they actually have a serious religion going on -the human race is depicted as mostly non-religious. They're also probably one of the most accurate depictions of any highly religious alien race in a sci-fi franchise, because they are divided between the majority who interpret their religion as [[Noblebright|peace and love]], and a small but loud minority of bastards who interpret it as [[Grimdark|condoning acts of terrorism]]. A blatant attempt to simulate Israelis for criticism, although that can apply to some religions these days.
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'''The Dominion'''
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A vast empire which exists on the other side of the galaxy. The Dominion is ruled over by a species of liquid shapeshifters called The Founders. They have at their disposal a military composed of two genetically engineered species that worship the Founders as gods: the short and articulate Vorta who serve as ambassadors, bureaucrats and military officers and the big brutal Jem'hadar, who are vat grown drug addicted cannon fodder. These oversee a large number of vassal races, including (as of later seasons of ''DS9'') the Cardassians.

The Founders were once (according to them anyway) a peaceful, kind civilization of explorers who wished to see the galaxy, explore strange new worlds, and seek out new forms of life. Unfortunately, they did this in the wrong neighborhood, and quickly ran into species who did not tolerate others. The fact that the Founders were shapeshifters capable of mimicking almost anyone did not help either. Paranoia, mutual mistrust, and some very bad things eventually led to the Founders deciding "fuck this" and moving their planet into a nebula so nobody would bother them.

The Founders are both obsessed with order extremely racist and xenophobic, and believe that all alien life is inherently untrustworthy and evil, and the best thing to do is conquer/enslave them before they do the same to them. They don't care about the rights of "Solids", and will happily ignore any sense of decency when convenient. This can be seen when The Dominion runs a simulation of the Dominion dominating the Alpha Quadrant. When O'Brien is assaulted by a Jem'Hadar and severely beaten to the point of needing emergency teleportation to medical (the crime being "disrespectful"), the Founders (disguised as Federation Officers) do not press charges, and when Sisko comes barging in demanding answers, dismiss him with little concern about their own soldiers brutalizing citizens. Their overall ideology could be thought of as Thomas Hobbes IN SPACE: people are inherently evil and the only way to make a better world is to impose order upon them.

The Founders, when not wandering around in various forms, tend to spend their time in a massive ocean literally made up of countless billions of Founders, something which is referred to as The Great Link. According to the Founders, this allows them to share information with each other and come to peaceful decisions. This is rapidly proved to be bullshit; when Odo merged with them to share his memories of the Federation as peaceful and tolerant space hippies, not only did the Founders ignore his memories, but actively fucked with his mind in an attempt to turn him into a sleeper agent.

The Founders are massive dicks, even to their own people. Failure among Jem'Hadar is rewarded with slow and painful death, and to be even bigger dicks, the Vorta have no sense of taste and can't appreciate beauty. Not to make them better diplomats, but because they were raised from a primitive stone-age ape tribe, and the Founders think they shouldn't be ever allowed to forget that. (On the plus side, they did give the Vorta an immunity to poison that would make [[Mortarion]] himself jealous. [https://youtu.be/rACCZaBcq1g?t=1m29s| Observe.]) This may also stem from their own neuroses: the Founders themselves have almost no bodily needs at all and require no nourishment, so they design their slaves to be like them.
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'''Species 8472'''
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The one and only race in the galaxy even the Borg don't want to fuck with. Species 8472 are three-legged creatures that live in a space called Fluid Space. It's similar to the [[Eye of Terror]] for the fact that it connects to an alternate dimension and [[Khorne|everyone will be ripped apart upon entering.]]

When the Borg first came around to try and assimilate them they were completely obliterated in a war in which 4 million Borg were killed in the first few days at the cost of almost no members of Species 8472. This war was such a roflstomp that the Borg were forced to call on the Federation for help. [[Tau|The Federation being the better people swallowed their pride and decided to help their sworn enemies,]] [[Eldrad|but were dicks and sent only one ship.]]

Species 8472 fought with fast moving, small ships and devastating beam weapons so the small ship of the Federation could keep up with them and helped the Borg force the species back into Fluid Space. The Federation were the villains on this one.

That and that in ''Star Trek Online'', [[Awesome|they look like the fucking Predator.]]
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On a side note all [[Chakats]] need to be launched into Fluid Space <u>right now</u>.

== The Star Trek crew ==
Whether the focus of the show is exploration, manning a space station in an important locale or trying to get home, all Star Trek series have a basic set up of casting and focus: namely on a collection of people who are usually the senior most officers on the ship. If you decide to make a Star Trek inspired game take this into consideration.

* '''The Captain''': Big cheese. Makes the hard decisions. Needs to be able to talk, think or fight out of situations as needed. (Two least skubby examples: Kirk and Picard)
* '''The First Officer''': Second in command and trusted advisor. (Two least skubby examples: Riker and Kira)
* '''The Science Officer''': Got high Int stats. Can analyze the situation and work out solutions. The voice of reason. (Two least skubby examples: Data and Spock)
* '''The Engineer''': Hard working technically minded guy who gets shit done. (Two least skubby examples: Scotty and Geordi)
* '''The Doctor''': Ship's healer. The voice of empathy. (Two least skubby examples: Bones and the EMH Doctor)
* '''The Security Officer''': Rough and tumble no nonsense sort who's job it is to keep these guys alive when diplomacy fails. (Two least skubby examples: Worf and Odo)
* '''The Helmsman''': Got spacecraft piloting skills, either full sized starships, shuttles or fighters. (Two least skubby examples: Sulu and Tom Paris)
* '''The Other Guy''': Said individual might be a junior officer/butt-monkey, the ship's therapist, a bartender, communications officer, Linguist, Talaxian hobo or senior navigator whale who does not fit the generally established roles. (Two Least skubby examples: Uhura Quark)

Some of these hats may be worn by more than one character.

== The Shows ==
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===''The Original Series''===
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Created in 1966 by legendary sci-fi [[spiritual liege]] Gene Roddenberry (who ironically became controversial as time went on, [[Matt Ward|like a certain Spiritual Liege in Games Workshop did]] but worse; Ward wasn't syncretizing, hypocritical, didn't stiff his employees or do things that come across as a misogynist sex offender) and pitched as a "Wagon Train to the stars", it's a pulpy adventure sci-fi, full of fistfights and sword fights (the guns never work).

The USS ''Enterprise'' is tasked by the Federation to go on a five year mission to explore space: the final frontier, to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations and boldly go where no man has gone before, though due to budget constraints, her crew often finds that man has in fact gone there before. Or at least something that looks exactly like a man but is actually an [[Xenos|Alien]]. James T. Kirk sleeps with [[Hot Chicks|hot alien babes]] who either die tragically or leave tearfully at the end of the episode, but it's 'k because he's too in love with the Enterprise to ever love a mere ''woman'' more. Mr. Spock and Dr. McCoy are cold and logical and rash and emotional respectively, and Scotty [[gets shit done]]. Uniforms, while iconic, tend to look a bit civilian though. Which was apparently an intentional design decision by Roddenberry who didn't want uniforms to look military. He also didn't want phasers to look like guns, which makes them look a bit weird and he didn't want ships to look like rockets, giving ships their distinctive saucer-engineering-nacelles look.

The Original Series frequently ran out of budget and entire episodes were filmed using spare costumes belonging to the production company, resulting in a series of extremely goofy excuses to go to planets full of gangsters or Nazis. This is often copied by shows who don't realize it was done out of pure expediency, and nowadays it's practically a box to check off when doing sci-fi adventure. The lack of budget also resulted in one of the more memorable inventions; unable to budget for a sequence showing the ''Enterprise'' or a shuttle landing on a new planet every week, the writers instead decided to invent the transporter to "beam" the crew wherever they need be. Also worth noting: despite its mediocre critical reception, ratings and eventual cancellation, not to forget the pretty poor quality of most third season episodes, ''TOS'' had a hell of a cultural impact thanks to syndication and it has been said that since it entered syndication in 1969, there hasn't been a 24-hour period without some TV station, in some country, playing Star Trek. Cancellation of The Original Series is now considered one of the worst decisions in TV history.

Fun fact: the ''Enterprise'' and each of her 11 sister ships have enough firepower to [[Exterminatus]] a planet by themselves, after getting issued an order called General Order 24. This however is likely a time-consuming task. According to a later DS9 episode, it takes a fleet of 20 warships 1 hour of sustained bombardment to destroy a planets crust and 5 hours of sustained bombardment to destroy a planet down to its mantle. These 20 ships were also in service 100 years after the Enterprise so they were also more powerful.
Kirk has the distinction of being the only known captain to issue a [[Exterminatus|General Order 24]], because a planet was ''too'' much into wargames (he changed his mind after they dropped wargaming).
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===''The Animated Series''===
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The often forgotten middle child. More or less "seasons 4-5" of ''TOS'' with the same writing staff and actors, sans poor Walter Koenig. He was replaced by a weird camel person. He learned this at a convention, from a fan, while he was trying to announce he'd be writing an episode. Being animated allowed the staff to get a lot more creative with the alien designs and plots, and the writing and acting remain... well, top notch is a stretch, but certainly at the same levels as ''The Original Series'', with the occasional low point. Not ''nearly'' as bad as you're probably picturing from the name, although still limited by the low budget and primitive animation techniques of the television era it was aired in. Notably some sci-fi novelists were brought in to write some episodes, such as Larry Niven and, yes, Walter Koenig.

Also, since the series now has no excuse for throwing in lots of Space Puritans and Space Wizards, it of course continued to do so to derptastic results, because by this point it had become traditional.
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===''The Next Generation''===
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Here's where it starts getting a little deeper and a little darker. The USS ''Enterprise-D'' (the original and C were destroyed in action while A and B were retired) is, like its predecessor, tasked with going where no-one has gone before, but this time around the problems are less likely to be solved in a single episode. Jean-Luc Picard is the captain and he plots and negotiates his way to victory; Mr. Data is cold and unemotional, though not by choice - as an android, he'd very much like to change that; Riker takes over the captain's "sleep with alien babes" duties since Picard is married to the job; Worf the Klingon gets beaten up by monsters to show how tough the monsters are, meaning that Worf winds up looking incredibly weak by the end of the show's run and doesn't regain his badassery until his run on ''DS9''; Dr Bev Crusher is a less interesting version of good old Bones ; Dr Pulaski is a less interesting version of Dr Crusher; counsellor Troy causes some love triangles nobody gave a crap about; and Geordi LaForge [[gets shit done]]. Only two things need to be said about helmsman Wesley Crusher: he was [[Mary Sue|Gene Wesley Roddenberry's self-insert,]] and his sueness got to the point that even his actor started to hate him.

Due to the massive success of The Original Series in syndication (and Paramount being [[Rage|pissed off]] by broadcast networks treating their most valuable IP like any other show), TNG was aired through syndication from the beginning. Although the first couple seasons were laughably bad, the quality began to improve dramatically after [[Meme|Riker grew a beard.]] The later seasons are widely considered to represent the apex of the franchise on the small screen (although ''DS9'' also had its moments); sadly, this series only got one good movie.
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===''Deep Space Nine''===
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Unlike all the other series so far, ''Deep Space Nine'' primarily takes place in a fixed location - the titular space station Deep Space Nine, out near the borders of Federation Space. Said space station is near Bajor, which was recently freed from Cardassian occupation, and a wormhole to the other side of the galaxy which allows [[Warp|all sorts of of crazy shit to go down]]. If the other shows are a wagon train, this one's a border fort.

Benjamin Sisko is the captain, and he alternates between blowing shit up like Kirk and talking people down like Picard in his ultimately-successful quest to become the baddest motherfucker in space. Kira the Bajoran ex-<s>terrorist</s> <S>''noble freedom fighter''</s> (who are we kidding she calls herself a terrorist) struggles to free and rebuild her people, Dr. Bashir struggles to find his character, Dax struggles to hold things down and has to switch bodies doing it, Odo IS ''Liquid Space Cop'', Quark runs his bar and heckles the Federation, Garak pretends to be a tailor while dropping killer lines, and Miles O'Brien [[gets shit done]]. Also, Worf wanders in halfway through, and actually gets to punch things instead of just getting punched by them. It's also a lot more political than other series (though ''TNG'' and ''Voyager'' have their moments) and the last series to have Gene Roddenberry's involvement.

It's the closest the canon series ever get to [[Grimdark]], especially when the Dominion show up. The show has aged remarkably well and the terrorist/freedom fighter debate was repeatedly explored in a very mature and honest way. Except that Bajorans and Maquis are a bunch of [[Tumblr|whiny and irrational dicks.]] "I feel oppressed, so I'm going to violate Starfleet regulation!" ''DS9'' is the most serialized of all Trek shows and could be considered a forerunner to the golden age of television with its long story arcs and deep character development. Overall, ''DS9'' has to be considered the most consistently good Trek show thanks to the excellent writing and fantastic performances from a truly wonderful ensemble cast. At least until the final season, when the writers who made it good were pulled to try and fail to make good movies, heralding the failure that was Voyager.

It wasn't without its controversies however. The show was airing around the same time as another thematically similar sci-fi show, Babylon 5. Not only that but characters also shared similarities, as did the episodes. Interestingly, beginning of both series, introduction of characters and airing of similar episodes were often too close to each other for one show to copy the other but this did not stop massive [[Rage]] and [[/v/|fanboy wars]] from starting between fans of the two series.

How good is ''Deep Space Nine''? Every Star Trek series and even the reboot movies have pretty much ripped off ideas and concepts established during the series.
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===''Voyager''===
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''Voyager'' is... well, it's [[skub|<s>controversial</s>]] shit. There is a heated debate about whether it or Enteprise are the worst of the lot. The plot centers around the USS ''Voyager'', a smallish ship which gets teleported over to the other side of the galaxy, and the plot of the series as a whole centers on its efforts to get back home, with the primary obstacle being the consistently terrible decisions of its own captain. Think ''Gilligan's Island'' on a starship.

Like ''TNG'' and ''DS9'' it's a character-driven drama just as often as it is a sci-fi adventure romp, although it only has one half-decent character, called "The Doctor" ([[Doctor Who|No relation.]]); he's the solid-light hologram representative of the ship's emergency medical computer, who has to take on actual medical duties when their chief medical officer was conveniently killed in the pilot episode. Other than this, Tom Paris is an annoying jerk and is counterbalanced by Harry Kim who is the ideal boy-scout, making him only half as annoying and twice as boring. B'elanna Torres tries to perpetuate a lineage of dudes getting shit done but ends up blankly reciting her technobabble, having second degree plasma burns and – worst of all – systematically fails to get shit done whenever the warp core goes nuts. Tuvok tries hard to be as cool as Spock but ends up being a lame version of the n°1 Vulcan who uses logic to justify everything and makes it short for "you are wrong, I am right because I said so." Kes is passed as a fragile and nice character but it takes a couple of episodes to realize that having a short lifespan does not change the facts: [[powergamer|when you can boil someone to death from the inside of their body, drain life from everything around you to become stronger and do anything you want without knowing how, just by thinking of it]], you are a goddamn Mary Sue. From the fourth season onwards the only character the writers seemed to care about are Seven of Nine, [[Mary Sue|a human woman who recently escaped from Borg control and kept all of her cyborg enhancements but regained her free will]]; another Mary Sue, to be sure, but she's [[Hot Chicks|hot]], and the other characters are much worse, so that's not really a bad thing. (Fortunately, the one good character on the show, namely The Doctor AKA the EMH, still received a lot of attention from the writers and almost single-handedly made the show watchable). There was also Neelix, who was the apparent inspiration for Jar-Jar Binks, and any sane crew would have pushed him out of an airlock on the first episode. Fans who stuck with the show despite its glaring failings were given one final slap in the face with the <s>controversial</s> shit final season, in which the producers decided "screw steadily crafting a satisfying conclusion to a story which we have wasted for most of the last seven years anyway; lets just ignore it until the final episode and then throw in some shit about trans-warp conduits and time travel, bitches love time travel!" If you did not care about any of the characters or the subplots or time travel making sense (the writers sure didn't), then the final episode was explosions (and the Borg got a major setback, just don't think about the setup too hard).

The Doctor never once stopped being totally fucking awesome though, and the great acting from the cast carries the series from being horrific to watchable. Just goes to show that no matter how good your actors are, they can't make diamonds out of shit.

Hopes that the franchise had sunk to a new low from which it could surely only get better were about to be proved wrong in spectacular fashion...
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===''Enterprise''===
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A [[Indrick Boreale|bald, foolish]] and (according to some) successful attempt to create a series even worse than ''Voyager'' was, from the minute the Nickelback-tier theme tune started the fans knew in their hearts it was fucking doomed. So bad that even the most devoted Trekkies gave up on it, in just four seasons this series almost single-handedly killed off the ''Trek'' franchise (which is actually quite impressive, in a perverse sort of way).

It's a prequel to the rest, taking place on the first ''Enterprise'', before the Federation was founded, and Earth was an independent power- so there's a lot of primitive versions of things from other series. At least the uniforms were pretty cool in an Air Force sort of way, although when that's the best thing you can say about a series, that tells you all you need to know about its quality (or lack thereof). Captained by <s>that guy from ''Quantum Leap''</s> Jonathon Archer, in hindsight the fact that they had to rename him from their original choice of Jeffrey Archer to avoid confusion with the disgraced British MP and author of the same name probably cursed the series with bad karma before it had even begun shooting. In an unusual twist for a ''Trek'' series, his first officer isn't a <s>terrorist</s> ''noble freedom fighter,'' however she does share a trait with her ''Voyager'' predecessor in that the actress who portrayed her frequently criticized the show's writers in interviews. Other than that, well, Hoshi Sato screams a lot, Travis Mayweather was so dull even the writers forgot he existed, Malcolm Reed has an accent, Dr Phlox is a weird creepy alien with weird creepy alien moral (and gets surprisingly interesting when given enough screentime, which hardly happened), and Trip also has an accent and [[gets shit done]].

Was retooled twice, the third season tries to be ''24'' IN SPACE (stop some guys the Xindi from blowing up Earth) while the 4th season is a massive apology about the last three seasons that tries to fix all the problems they had, and as a result, the only season that's close to being good.

Amusingly the final episode is set on the holodeck of the Enterprise-D and leaves us with the firm impression that the producers would have much rather have just continued making ''The Next Generation''; considering the mediocre quality of the ''TNG'' movies we got instead, this probably would have worked out better for all involved (Or not since ''Voyager'' was that; its first episode was even numbered 901, as in Season 9 Episode 1).

Yet despite all this bad directing, subpar plots, and frankly boring episodes, ''Enterprise'' still manages to be moderately enjoyable with occasional moments of awesomeness if you can suffer through it. The focus on founding Federation races like the Andorans was refreshing and the technology level, being somewhere between the original series and the real world present-day, was quite interesting. We also got to see the Vulcans portrayed as arrogant, superior dicks. Which makes a lot more sense than the way they're usually portrayed as fairly submissive towards humans because they are, obviously and objectively, the superior race. The Klingons certainly still considered themselves to be honorable but the show made it clear that the Klingon notion of honor is rarely analogous to the human concept which was interesting as all hell to watch.

And let's be fucking honest, [[/tg/]] loves 40k and the Xindi arc was about as grimdark as shit gets. And that was awesome.

Also makes a neat pairing with ''Voyager'' in that they really mess with the Prime Directive and question the Federation.
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===''Renegades''===
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Kickstarter ''Trek''. It's basically comprised of a good ''Star Trek'' movie, a mediocre ''Star Trek'' season, and a shitty ''Star Trek'' fanfic, with all sharing equal screentime. The makers submitted their pilot made-for-TV movie to CBS trying to get it made into a legit on-the-air series (and by god it shows). They said they can still make a season, just not one on TV. Pretty much has good and bad in equal measure. Some characters are actually interesting (about time we saw more of the Breen!) while others are pure [[Mary Sue]]s (including a male Seven of Nine with a built-in Borg-gun/personal shield/fully-functional hand). Some of the ideas are interesting while others are boring or already-been-done. The CGI is all Hollywood-quality, but the practical effects are okay at best.

Most of all, the biggest thing this needs/needed is time. It's obvious that they made this without knowing that they were going to be able to make a TV show or not, and tried to cram the sort of build-up and intrigue we saw in ''DS9'' into a span of 90 minutes. For now though, it's decidedly meh.
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===''Discovery''===
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A new "prequel" series set 10 years before ''The Original Series.'' Run exclusively on CBS' paid streaming service (unless you live outside the US and Canada, in which case you can get it on Netflix) to try and drum up sign-ups and revenue, it features a mix of ''Enterprise'' and Abramstrek aesthetics despite supposedly taking place in parallel to the TOS "The Cage" pilot while [[what|having technology superior to late DS9]] and introducing [[dune|mushroom-based space travel]] that would imply [[retcon|all later events and warp travel would be outdated]]. The trailer has attracted a lot of concern over the fact that Klingons have been completely redesigned to look like <s>'''[http://memory-alpha.wikia.com/wiki/Kang KANGZ] N SHIET'''</s> slit-nosed ogres wearing ancient Egyptian cosplay, and rumors that the Klingons shown were [[Racial Holy War|primitives who had been trapped in stasis]] proved to be unfounded, so there is no excuse. Not having a cold war to posture about, the new villains are based off of Trump-inspired xenophobia by the admission of the authors. The marketing attention given to the inclusion of Star Trek's first gay couple has also generated much skub. Also the lead character is Spock's human sister that he never mentioned before, aka the ''exact'' origin of the [[Mary Sue]] which is just fucking depressing. Want a new Star Trek episode about racism and immigration? Try the now-banned [https://youtu.be/3VEZH8bqytA Star Trek Continues]. Want Star Trek about other modern issues? Try ''The Orville'' below. That's right, American Dad In Space looks to be a better Star Trek than the actual Star Trek series.

Initial reviews have been... well, it's shit. The writing is overly convoluted, the massive injection of grimdark into pre-TOS continuity is anathema to the hardcore fans (the ''human'' characters are often the ones doing the nastiest shit, including [[Marines Malevolent|trying to kill a Klingon party by planting an explosive on the corpse of one of their comrades for when they came to collect the dead]]) and the Klingons are so flat and devoid of characterization that they might as well be Larry the Cable Guy lookalikes wearing Trump hats, which is a massive disappointment for a series that promised to put a spotlight on Klingon culture but ended up retconning all the characterization that happened in TNG and DS9. It ''may'' get better with time (remember that it took two seasons for TNG to get really good) but given the release schedule (split between 2017 and 2018 with a long break) it may come too late for the fanbase to care. Currently it's better than Enterprise or Voyager. But that's like saying water tastes better than piss. Releasing the show on CBS All Access instead of cable or broadcast TV makes it seem that executives don't really give a shit if the show succeeds or fails.

tl;dr: NOT F**KING CANON (at least for real fans)
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===''The Orville''===
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A drama-comedy homage to Star Trek, that's pretty much to Star Trek what Family Guy is to The Simpsons, created by and starring Seth MacFarlane of ''Family Guy'' infamy. No wait, come back. The guy's a huge Star Trek fan and he felt that too many shows nowadays were up in their ass with grimdark, so he convinced the execs to make a loving comedic sendup of The Next Generation. Many of the executive producers are actually Trek alumni or notable industry Trekkies (including the guy who wrote the ''Futurama'' Trek parody episode) and the episodes aired so far have featured the same kind of themes that you would expect from a new Trek series. The series itself is about the strung-out captain of the eponymous not-Enterprise "The Orville", with his ex-wife as first officer; the first episode is about them reconciling for the sake of getting shit done. While Seth MacFarlane's [[Skub|"signature" style of comedy and messages]] have started to bleed in, it shares time reasonably well with the dramatic elements and knows the difference between slapping someone in the face with a fish and running them over and over again with a fish delivery truck leaving a gory mess. Many Trek fans [[butthurt]] over Discovery are now watching and recommending this series instead. As always, stay tuned for how this turns out.
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== Films ==
As a general rule, the even-numbered ones aren't complete shit.

* '''''Star Trek: The Motion Picture''''': AKA: The Slow Motion Picture, or the Motionless Picture. Old school sci-fi geeks like the ideas, but terrible pace and interminable special effects that were clearly meant to capitalize on this newfangled ''3011'' doohickey all the kids are yammering about kill them dead for everyone else. Besides the uniform worn by Kirk, the uniforms also look like pajamas. So no wonder they were changed only a movie later.
* '''''Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan''''': [[Meme|KKKHHHAAAAAAAAAAAANNNN!!!!]] Widely considered the best of all the films, and the only one considered a straight up great film, no qualifiers. If you haven't seen it, see it. Interesting fact: Due to time constraints, actors of Kirk and Khan weren't available at the same time. So the entire script was written so that Kirk and Khan never need to meet face-to-face. ''Nemesis'' and ''Into Darkness'' tried to recreate it's success without getting that it worked because Khan and Kirk had a history together.
* '''''Star Trek III: The Search for Spock''''': Where is Spock? ''He's on Genesis.'' ALL AHEAD FULL! Not really bad, just run of the mill compared to the superior films that surround it. It was also saddled with the misfortune of undoing some of the previous film's more-daring decisions, and having its only daring decision reversed a film later. If you had to say that any film broke the "odd numbers suck" rule, it would be this one.
* '''''Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home''''': The crew of the ''Enterpise'' travels back in time to save the whales. No, really. Somehow it works; ''The Voyage Home'' is a zany comedy romp beloved by the general public and fandom alike, leaving only the most intractable fanbois to bitch and moan.
* <del>'''''Star Trek V: The Final Frontier''''':</del> {{BLAM|Lies! There is no}} '''''Star Trek V'''''{{BLAM|! It was not called}} '''''The Final Frontier'''''{{BLAM|! It was not directed by Kirk's egotistical actor and did not have a plot that could literally be summarized as "Kirk is betrayed by his incompetent crew, yet goes on to fight God and win!" The films mysteriously moved from four to six and ''we are all improved because of this!''}}
* '''''Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country''''': The Space Cold War ends amidst Tom Clancy-esque drama. However unlike his work, it's actually watchable. The sendoff for the original cast. Gene Roddenberry watched it, hated it and was going to seek legal advice but died a week later. And good riddance to that, because it's a pretty sweet political thriller if your hippie-panties don't get into a twist at the thought that the Federation isn't a perfect place full of perfect people.
* '''''Star Trek Generations''''': Malcolm McDowell blows up planets to get into a magic space ribbon to live forever, no it does not make any more sense in context. An already-weak story hamstrung by its obsession with being daring and unconventional rather than good. Also, Kirk dies on the bridge in the most face-palming manner possible.
* '''''Star Trek First Contact''''': The ''TNG'' crew face off with the Borg to ensure the future happens. Lots of action and some good performances make this the only good ''TNG'' movie. It sadly is also the only appearance of the Defiant on screen. Doing a pretty decent job of fighting the Borg. Before the Enterprise E saves the day of course. The Borg Queen was also introduced here before Voyager, ruining what could have been a good idea. It also has enough snark to rival a Marvel Cinematic Universe movie.
* '''''Star Trek Insurrection''''': If you thought the [[Avatar|Na'vi]] were a bunch of badly-written [[Mary Sue]]s, you ain't seen nothing yet! B-b-b-baby you ain't seen n-n-n-nothing yet! Also, Riker shaves his beard, and that's basically a war crime.
* '''''Galaxy Quest''''': Not officially ''Star Trek'' but good enough for an honorable mention. Built around the basic premise of "What if the cast of ''Star Trek'' ended up on a real spaceship and had to actually do the shit they did in the show, including saving the world." Featuring a veritable all-star cast of talented comedians and character actors, this is one of the best parodies ever made.
* '''''Star Trek Nemesis''''': The last stand of the ''TNG'' cast, ending not with a bang but a whimper. It also required amending the even=good/odd=bad rule to "''Galaxy Quest'' counts as a ''Star Trek'' film so this one is also odd."
* '''''Star Trek''''' (2009): Alternate timeline "reboot" (sideboot?) with the original crew, albeit with new younger actors. Timey-wimey shit happens and old prime timeline Spock (reprised by old Leonard Nemoy) is hurled back in time along with a bunch of Romulan assholes. The dickbag Romulans begin fucking shit up, slightly altering history in a way that ensures gratuitous lens flare. [[skub| Skubtastic]], but at least watchable, which is more than ''most'' odd-numbered films can muster. If you still even count it as odd, without the ''Galaxy Quest''-amendment.
* '''''Star Trek Into Darkness''''': The second of the alternate timeline ''Trek'' films. Terrorism, conspiracy and flapdoodle. Even more skubtastic, but generally considered worse than its predecessor, partially because (like Nemesis) it tries to be a remake of ''The Wrath of Khan''.
* '''''Star Trek Beyond''''': Fairly good, but lacking in the high-minded themes that even the previous two reboot films explored. More fun and adventure-y, almost like something you'd see in a TV series plot, and with a pared-down scope. At least they don't feel the need to threaten to blow up Earth again under the mistaken logic that nothing less will get us to care. Not enough lens flare though, so it looked more like ''[[Star Wars]]'' than ''Star Trek''.
* '''''Star Wreck: In the Pirkinning''''': Another parody, parodying not only ''Star Trek'' but ''Babylon 5'' as well. Captain Pirk builds a starship called CPP ''Kickstart'', allies with Russia and takes over the world. He wants to take over more planets but the ships of his P-Fleet aren't fast enough to travel outside the Solar system. A maggot hole opens and it leads to an alternate reality. Pirk wants to take over the Earth of this reality, which leads to an [[awesome]] space battle between the P-Fleet and the fleet of the space station Babel 13 led by Johnny Sherrypie. The movie features some of the best special effects ever put in a sci-fi movie, which is pretty impressive, considering that this is an amateur film with a very low budget and was rendered in five years in someone's bedroom. The film is spoken in Finnish but subtitles are available for a wide variety of languages, including Klingon.

=== Novels ===
Like most long time franchises ''Star Trek'' has a massive line of books. Unlike most they're basically just fanfics as nothing but the show and the movies is canon so the writers can do whatever they want. This changed after ''Nemesis'' since they might never have another show or movie in the "Prime" universe, so the writers got their shit together and wrote a group of books as a tight community very close to the shows. The relaunch novels are a continuation of the show they're about. Also there's the ''Titan'' book series which is about Riker and Troi getting their own ship, which happens to be staffed by every race in the Federation including living rocks, [[awesome|space dinosaurs]] that smell like [[meatbread|toast]] and a [[what|space cyborg ostrich]].

During yet another novel continuity (Star Trek: Destiny), the Borg go nuts and eat Pluto... yeah... and then they finally get sick of the Federation somehow managing to not get assimilated all the time, so they finally just send every last cube they have with orders to Exterminatus the absolute SHIT out of the entire Alpha Quadrant. Pretty much every important character from TNG, DS9, and Voyager has to team up to stop them, and even then the Federation still get its shit pushed in and winds up having to rely on a vaguely ridiculous deus ex machina to win, and [[Grimdark|billions of people still die and dozens of planets are blown to shit]]. It was pretty insane.

Then all the Federation's main enemies get together to form an anti-Federation and start poking the bear, all the while telling their allies that they're somehow warmongering dicks.

== Video Games ==
''Star Trek Online'' is the free-to-play online game built by Cryptic Studios and run by Perfect World. With an official license CBS, recurring characters voiced by various Trek alumni, and recently a license to include references to the reboot chronology (officially known as the "Kelvin Timeline"), it's the closest existing thing to an "official" continuation of the "Prime" timeline, and contains history and fluff extending nearly 40 years from the end of Star Trek: Nemesis.

Taking place in the 25th century (around the year 2409-2410), the Hobus supernova (the event that kicked Nero and Spock into the past during Star Trek 2009) has devastated the Romulans, and its near-collapse and fragmentation causes tensions between a resurgent Klingon Empire and the Federation. The tensions blow up into a war, with members of a new, nicer, breakaway Romulan Republic playing both sides in exchange for development aid.

The game contains deep cuts from all over Trek lore, and answers questions about what happened to various key characters, including Data (took over the Enterprise-E, then retired), the Enterprise (now an even bigger ship run by Andorian captain Shon), and the Voyager crew (it took Harry Kim 30 years to make Captain lol). Raises barely-shown, unnamed, and otherwise obscure races to new prominence as big bad foes, including the Iconians (teleporting space gods that live in dyson spheres and only defeated by predestination paradox), Tzenkethi (4-armed halo guys whose weak points are the FRONT of their shields), and Nak'hul (the alien nazis from Enterprise as time-traveling terrorists who blame the Federation for a throwaway event that happened in TNG's beach episode).

== Would you like to know more? ==
*[http://en.memory-alpha.org/wiki/ Main Memory Alpha: A ''Star Trek'' wiki]
*[http://memory-beta.wikia.com/wiki/ Main Memory Beta: The flip-side of Memory Alpha for the less than official stuff]
*[http://sfdebris.com/ SF Derbis: opinionated episode reviews, has some non ''Trek'' stuff as well]

[[Category: Television]]