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Tzeentch

2016-07-21T21:39:27Z

2001:1C03:1001:E300:6032:362B:2C94:6126:

[[File:934501-tzeentch mark.png|center]]
[[File:Tzeentch the Architect of Fate.jpg|500px|thumb|right|Tzeentch thinking to himself, [[Troll|"Hmmm...I wonder what plans I would foil again?"]]]]
''JUST AS PLANNED... ALWAYS AS PLANNED... KEKEKEKEKEKKEKEKEKEKKE... LOL! - The Word of Tzeentch on just about any Misfortune you encounter''

''"Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man."''
-Friedrich Nietzsche

''It's tragic from how far we've come from 'Hope and Change'.'' 
-Ted Cruz
{{awesome}}
{{heresy}}

==Introduction==
[[Image:Tzeench_political_poster.jpg|thumb|250px|right|Tzeentch has a fetish for birds; featherporn ahoy! Oddly, this is one of the rare few visibly female Lords of Change, probably because birds don't usually have tits.]]
'''Tzeentch''', (pronounced Zeench) known as Tchar, Chen the Deceiver, the Troll Master, Cheenzh, the Raven God, the Trickster, the Cheap [[H.P. Lovecraft|Nyarlathotep]] Ripoff, The Indecisive Mollusk and 9990 other names is the [[Chaos God]] of change, lies, Ambition, mutation, Machiavelli, politics, magic.

Tzeentch was born some time in the renaissance out of the minds of the human race and the Eldar, so he probably came to be in the 1600's or so in [[Warhammer 40k|40k]]. In [[Warhammer Fantasy]] he already existed before the world like the other Chaos Gods, and the [[Old Ones]] actively tried to prevent [[Daemons]] from ever successfully invading the world by creating the different races of the game in an attempt to find something that could cheese Daemons in every battle until the very Warp Gates that the Old Ones used to come to the planet in the first place collapsed forming miniature [[Eye of Terror|Eyes of Terror]] at the poles of the world (''Just as planned'').
He is said to have an fetish for [[Blood Ravens|Ravens]] amongst the [[Warriors of Chaos|Norse]] tribes, and Condors amongst [[Warriors of Chaos|Kurgan nomads]]. There's no real picture for Tzeentch since the weird bastard always changes his appearance every time he sits for his yearbook photo. Some of the more memorable appearances have been: an opaline serpent constantly slithering in-place; a no-neck blue greater daemon with a skin pocked with faces that each repeat what the main head just said with different emphasis or tone; a rainbow-hued cloud of mist that speaks by casting echoes off nearby structures without making the original sound; a featureless green-skinned human in an archaic grey suit with the words "NO PICTURE AVAILABLE" suspended in the air where his face would be; and perhaps the most prominent, a giant imp with two penises growing out of its head. No, srsly. Unless..he could be Slaane-..*URGLBURGL*

Strangely, Tzeentch was often attributed to hope in the two settings, despite there being Chaos Gods of Order in Fantasy, and in 40k the [[God-Emperor of Mankind]] serving as The God of Hope in his career even if he never wanted to be worshiped as such. To be fair, there is a difference between hope and order. The Chaos Gods embody traits that can be directed for good or evil (how can hope be evil? To invoke Godwin's Law, Hitler hoping his genocide plans would succeed was evil, or as in Pandora's Box where hope prolongs suffering). It is entirely possible that what Games Workshop incorrectly called Hope is more accurately called selfish Ambition, the sort that would drive people to commit Machiavellian backstabbing, because in the grim darkness of the 41st millennium [[God-Emperor of Mankind|actual selfless Hope]] is pretty much [[Nurgle|a rotting corpse]].

He is typically the second strongest of the Chaos Gods, however in canon Chaos God vs Chaos God stories he has the largest number of victories and fewest number of defeats. He rarely does things directly and prefers to trick one of the Chaos Gods or their servants into fighting with one another (to the point that one can assume anytime a Chaos God goes to war with another one, he's probably behind it). He got Skarbrand, the then mightiest Bloodthirster, to attack his master. Skarbrand hit with all his strength but only put a chink in Khorne's armor and Khorne got unbelievably, incomprehensibly, all-consumingly pissed and grabbed Skarbrand and threw him so hard that he went sailing in the sky for days before finally crashing into the ground so hard that his wings broke. Tzeentch got a good laugh out of this and received no negative consequences...

Except that millions of his followers will likely be slaughtered and his faith likely has a new enemy... but Tzeentch, like every Chaos God, is beyond our petty definition of victory and defeat. Which makes the above paragraph idiotically inaccurate, like most of our concepts of reality when the Warp gets involved.

Once Tzeentch was the strongest of all the Chaos Gods and basically made the Warp his bitch. In 40k this was actually tied to a real world time period now known as a Dark Age of Technology - the golden age of prosperity, '''hope''', '''ambition''', and '''progress''', when Humanity and Eldar, who dominated the Galaxy defeated the deceases and poverty with their sophisticated science and sorcery and waged their wars through emotionless constructs and robots - no wonder Tzeentch was supercharged by these events and the other two gods were at their lowest of the lows. Unfortunately for him, he didn't plan on the other three Chaos gods agreeing to team up against him and [[Khaine|was shattered into countless fragments]]. Unlike a certain other god, he was able to put himself back together again, but he's still missing several pieces of himself. In Fantasy those pieces went on to become the first magic, and in 40k they caused a massive burst of powerful psykers being born, which combined with a robot rebellion humans experienced and pleasure cults Eldar went into brought the downfall of both civilizations, effectively ending their golden ages. Although, given the nature of gods, it's possible that the cause-consequence chain was the other way around with a war in the Warp being the representation of two great prosperous empires falling from their grace.

==Elf/Eldar Gods==
In 40k, he was ''seemingly'' the only Chaos God who didn't try to intervene when Slaanesh went on his "just-born" raping and killing spree as far as we know. But Tzeentch seldom works directly, so there's no way to tell for sure.

In Warhammer Fantasy, [[Asuryan]] is something of the Road Runner to his Wile E. Coyote. While Tzeentch's flawless and infinitely intricate plans of dickery seem to culminate with the Warp enveloping the world, something always goes wrong at the last minute and usually the High Elves or an ally of the High Elves are at the center of it. That's because Asuryan also has a plan, one he actually shares with mortal [[High Elves]] who take a vow of silence and become his monks. Asuryan's plan is NOT flawless however, and culminates in one giant last battle with a 50% chance of success or fail on his behalf between "good" (Order) and "evil" (Destruction). The outcome of that battle decides if the Chaos Gods win or lose once and for all. Apparently, dragons will go extinct either way though.
Tzeentch also has has direct relations with [[Morai-Heg]] who is a goddess of prophesy who can actively change fate at her will. Morai-Heg is a True Neutral kind of being who fucks with everyone's plans in ways that end up with them indebted to her one way or another. Usually because she manipulates things in a way to force you to come to her to undo the change she already made (you don't know she did this in the first place) and make a third result, which someone else probably asked for due to a change someone else made and...well, let's just summarize it as "''Everyone's plans are all going according to plan''".

==[[Just as planned]]...==
Tzeentch will always be three steps ahead of you; he out-dicks [[Eldrad]], [[Cegorach|The Laughing God]], both [[Sigmar|God]] [[God-Emperor of Mankind|Emprahs]], and the [[C'tan|Deceiver]] hands down. Just an example: He tricked [[Slaanesh]] into having a beef with [[Khorne]] which the former lost. Why did he do it? He did it for the lulz.

Just don't mention [[The Game (Tzeentch)|Creed]] around him...

In Warhammer Fantasy, he's notable for never really doing much of anything really. His champions either have magical powers or limited ability to see and manipulate the future. Some just follow more charismatic champions of other Chaos Gods into battle, although when that champion inevitably falls Tzeentch's almost always survive to mutate another day. The setting's China equivalent, [[Cathay]], has wizards actively stealing Tzeentch's magic and using its effects to affect the world with greater power than normal magic can. They do this entirely without worshiping him or suffering Chaos mutations or taint (according to the fluff, they do worship Tzeentch, they just know him by another name and don't know his true nature). Clearly Tzeentch mostly just focuses on 40k while the other three Chaos Gods play two tables at once (or maybe Tzeentch is lulling the Cathayans into a false sense of security...)

The funny thing is, Tzeentch's plots will never come to true fruition. They just go on and on, forever and ever, twisted and tangled for the sheer joy of it with no end goal or even a purpose behind them. Tzeentch is a god of ''chaos'', and a plan satisfied, tied up, finished, is a plan that has left his purview. There is no victory, no defeat, no end. Ends are stagnation, [[Nurgle|the opposite of all he represents]]. There will only be the endless clatter of dice in [[Warhammer 40K|the mad, cruel games the gods play with the fates and souls of men]]. Rolled without end, amen. In this sense, Tzeentch truly is the Chaos God of hope because he will never allow Chaos to defeat the mortal plane if he can- at least, not if it doesn't lead to further changes. While most everyone else plays to win, Tzeentch plays for fun, for as long as he can. In older fluff, Tzeentch was also the Chaos God of magic and intellect, so if anyone wanted Tzeentch to win, they just had to make a clever plan that would further Tzeentch's goals and pull it off, increase the amount of magic in the world or become a wizard (so technically everytime a [[Storm of Magic|Storm of Magic]] happens would be a victory for Tzeentch), [[Matt Ward|though GW has downplayed that aspect of him]].

==Followers==
Tzeentch's followers tend to be Librarians/wizards, Sorcerers, nerds, psykers/magical beings, unstable mutants, and red-nosed misfits, but instead of [[Nurgle]]'s "I love you just for who you are," Tzeentch encourages his followers to revel in what makes them dweeb outcasts and go even further, constantly finding new ways to push limits and try things out just because they can. It's not enough that you've made this former Guardsman loyal, harder and better, faster and stronger, you could also fit another three arms on the guy, and if you added a head on his pelvis he would never be surprised, and he can't talk anymore so why not replace his larynx with a flamer sac? [[Chaos Spawn|Whereas other Chaos Gods accidentally pour too much love into their subjects]] (Slaanesh quite literally), Tzeentch does it on purpose because he actually knows what he's doing when he does so.

Tzeentch Daemons are:
* '''Pink Horrors''': Ever-shifting gleeful balls of psychic rape. Really powerful ones are Heralds of Tzeentch. Courtesy of sixth edition 40k, these guys are now brotherhood of <s>psykers</s> sorcerers, and a blob of 16 or more horrors can cast 3 spells per turn, and since they're daemons of Tzeench they test on Ld10. Unfortunately, all the powers they have are <s>fucking randomized bullshit</s> '''FUN*'''. 8th edition Fantasy sees them as a blob of level 1 wizards who can't miscast, which are fun due to the randomness of them but aren't really competitive. The best-known of these is a being called the Changeling, who has the ability to transform into any being it wants, usually for the purposes of wreaking havoc behind enemy lines (although it has also been known to do so for pulling pranks as well, like planting Nurglings on the Skull Throne just as Khorne is about to sit down or cutting Slaanesh's hair while he/she/it sleeps). Apparently it's changed its form so many times it doesn't even remember what it originally used to look like.
*'''Blue Horrors''': When you kill a pink horror, it splits into 2 tiny, manic-depressive blue horrors. In 40k it just means your pink horrors hit back at S2 every time you kill one in close combat, which is kind of useless. Why are your horrors in close combat anyway? The Fantasy version of them are summonables that enter onto the field when the magic lore of Tzeentch sees a spell casted very well (since your Pink Horrors cannot miscast, throwing a fuckload of dice into a spell to produce more Blue Horrors is nifty). They're pretty weak though anyway, which is what keeps full Tzeentch armies from really being viable. A particularly notable pair of Blue Horrors are P'tarix and Xirat'p, also known as the Blue Scribes. Tzeentch sent them out to catalog every single magic spell in reality, knowing that they weren't smart enough to know how easily abused the power of said spells might be.
* '''Flamers''': like Horrors but less limb-y and way more mouths to breathe fire with. Also, this fire is S4 AP4. If you inflict wounds on a unit they have to take a toughness test, and if they fail they suffer D3 wounds with no saves allowed. On the other hand, if they pass the toughness test [[FAIL|they get feel no pain (6+) which can stack if they keep passing.]]. They're the main Daemon ranged option in Warhammer Fantasy, although they're pretty close range. Best used to shotgun an enemy right in the flank while it's engaged with something from one of the other Chaos Gods in melee. ''Just as planned'', right there in the crunch.
* '''Screamers of Tzeentch''': the Tzeentchian notion of cavalry; levitating manta rays with buzzsaw fins. Also melta-teeth for some reason. In Fantasy they function as chaff by harassing units and weakening them (with great luck killing something important like a mage) or forcing them to devote a turn killing them and thus leaving that unit open to whatever other Daemons you brought.
*'''Burning Chariots of Tzeentch''': One-man vehicles for heralds of Tzeentch or Exalted Flamers, which are like flamers but... exalted. In 40k this is where the AP2 Tzeentch Flame attack went after Flamers got a buff (but it's assault D3, for optimal <s>randomized bullshit</s> '''FUN*''', and it also has a S5 AP3 torrent attack. These both follow the same warpflame rules as flamers do, but they also won't be leaving so many survivors so it's not as big a deal. Fantasy sees them as the surprise buttsecks machine, once again tearing through an enemy that's engaged with something else. Like Tzeentch's architectural styles though it's a glass cannon that WILL break if damn near anything short of an anemic [[Bretonnia|Bretonnian]] peasant orphan with a cold attacks it.
* '''[[Lord of Change|Lords of Change]]''': huge birdlike sorcerers that look like a [[Furry|werewolf's in-between state, only it's a werevulture-snake-velociraptor...thing]]. They have the power to predict the future at any given time so they're almost invincible, unless Tzeentch wants them to die, which going by all the times Tzeentchian Chaos Daemon and Thousand Sons armies lose, happens surprisingly often. They're the best non-named spellcaster available to Daemons in Fantasy. Chief among their number is Tzeentch's right-hand daemon Kairos Fateweaver, who was gifted the ability to to know everything that will ever happen (along with a second head). It's said that he knows the answers to all questions, but if you ask him, [[Troll|both heads give contradicting answers, with no way of knowing which head is telling the truth]], just [http://www.wobblymodelsyndrome.com/comic-80.html Don't ask him his name]. (Then again, there's nothing saying it's the same one lying every time.)
*Tzeentch's Chaos Marines come with an [[Thousand Sons|Egyptian motif]], and plenty of psykers and Sorcerers. Aside from that Tzeentchian marines are usually warband leaders, their advisors or prominent ambitious champions wishing to become one. Many of them hold their dedication to the Architect in secret, if only to keep their advantage of god's favor over other marines - ambition after all is the big deal for them. Fully Tzeenchian warbands do exist, but they are usually comprised of complete madman who hear voices, see future, hear all the lies in the world (simultaneously), can shape-shift or mutate at will or have some other mind-blowing (sometimes literally) "gifts" from the Architect. It helps that Tzeentch is likely based on the Ancient Egyptian god Thoth.
*Tzeentch's [[Warriors of Chaos|viking followers]] are usually the outcasts and elders of the tribes of the Norsemen rather than being a united group. They like to rock the "evil wizard" look with hooded cloaks and sacrificial daggers to compliment their tentacles and 3 faces on one head.
*It is also to be noted that John Kramer aka Jigsaw is an accomplice of Tzeentch, <s>too bad he's dead now.</s> [[Just As Planned|He may be dead, but the game is far from over!]]
* Ryu is also a follower of Tzeentch as all of the fireball spam is a gift of his chaos patron.

==Facts==
* Tzeentch is likely inspired by the Ancient Egyptian god Thoth. Thoth was the bird-headed god of writing, science and magic; remember what Tzeentch's Greater Daemons look like.

* Tzeentch actually had a [[manga|manga]] in which he stars as himself. Demon Detective Neuro. A sadistic story about his oldself, Neuro, who is one of the most powerful daemon before grimdark, decided to break through to the human world and searching for "puzzles", which is like the "just as planned" energy created from the emotions of criminal's plotting. In order to achieve his never ending quest for puzzles, he had enslaved [[Nurgle|Yako, a girl who is able to eat a lot without getting fat]], forcing her to be famous to find more puzzles while torturing her with bdsm (no promotion was included, unless fanart). The fact Neuro can be known as Tzeentch sometimes, because his true form is like a [[Lord of Change|gigantic bird like face that constantly changing back and forth]] (although Kaidou-X is more suitable in terms of transformation). Later into the story, the manga turning from a mystery, slap stick comedy into the battle for human evolution, challenge by [[Omnissiah|generic evil super computer "HAL"]], [[Chaos Spawn| formless mutant name kaidou-X]], who enjoys to put everyone in a [[Cubes|cube]], and the most evil bastard known as [[Dark Eldar|"sicks", who enjoys to watch people sawing their own stomach]]. But Neuro manage to [[Just As Planned|beat the shit out of them in the most sadistic way as possible, even out dick the enemies tactics]] with the help of [[Cheese|777 demon tools and 7 demon Emperor weapons]]. The reasons for Neuro to not kill humans is to let the humans create more puzzles in the future (unless they are like [[Eldar|the new bloodline]], who fight for the survival of their own species), just like how Tzeentch only interest in constant plotting and planning that he would do anything to stop his brother gods from fucking up everything by creating and planning for the Chaos to exist forever. Oh, haven't mentioned Tzeentch is also the chaos god of evolution? and it is one of the primary theme in the manga.

* Tzeentch had a plan for [[Samus]], that he summoned his servant to "change" [[Samus]] for his glorious plan, curiously, within a day of this daemons, cultists, and thousand sons about to strike at terra from their daemon world started sending increasingly panicky distress signals concerning a woman in red, yellow, and purple armor tearing through them single handedly before the planet exploded spectacularly afterwards with the message of "see you next mission" being delivered to nearby imperial authorities.

* Rush Limbaugh and Anne Coulter want you to believe that every liberal is a dangerous acolyte of Tzeentch, because they ARE! But no one buys what they said because people view them as some sort of hypocritical Slaanesh type attention whore, which is exactly how Tzeentch predicts it happened. Just as planned.

* A little-known fact: Tzeentch is anon.

* Tzeentch was responsible for the Great Depression and the 2008 financial crisis. Also, the First Gulf War? That was him too.

* Tzeentch does it for the lulz.

* You know when your first puppy died? Tzeentch did that too.

* Tzeentch (much like <s>Santa Claus and Jesus</s> the NSA) knows and sees everything; thusly, he sees you masturbate and knows what fantasies you're having. And he laughs at you (again, much like <s>Santa Claus and Jesus</s> the NSA).

* * <s>Khorne is Tzeentch's favorite victim for hijinks because Khorne is very easy to string along.</s> {{BLAM|'''*SOUNDS OF HORRIFIC DISEMBOWELMENT OF THE WEAKLING, LIMP-WRIST TZEENTCH * FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YO.....WHY AM I WRENCHING NURGLE'S ETERNAL PUS SAC?! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU....!'''*Explosion of things best not described*}} *''Just as planned''* (Khorne would never be able to actually find Tzeentch... a meathead like Khorne would spend eternity lost in Tzeentch's maze).

* Slaanesh is Tzeentch's second favorite victim for his hi-jinks, because Slaanesh's desire for a new high makes him/her/it very easy to string along.

* Starscream is a servant of Tzeentch; he's got a huge amount of ambition Too bad that Tzeentch won't let him succeed until he actually forms a plan instead of just saying "I am the new leader!" if Megatron so much as sneezes.

* Tzeentch is the god of hope among other things, yet he's a lot less friendly than the god of despair. Probably because most every being in the universe has had their fair share of despair and has learned to cope with it, while hope tends to show up just before you get ground into the dirt again. When the Despair-god comes knocking, you open a bottle and sigh, when the hope god shows up, you immediately wonder how you're going to get raped this time.

* Tzeentch has only ever truly lost to one being: Creed.

* Tzeentch is a very unorky god, and is neither morky nor gorky.

* Tzeentch is the only contestant to ever be banned from entering Deal or No Deal after winning $1,000,000 7 times in a row.

* During their early days, Tzeentch once put on a magic show for the 3 other Chaos gods. Among the 3, Khorne asked Tzeentch how he made Nurgle's Plaguefather disappear and reappear beside Slaanesh before their very eyes, which Tzeentch refused to tell and responded with "A good magician never reveals his tricks", which caused Khorne to burn with unfathomable rage. To this day, Khorne still loathes magicks and anyone who uses them, which became evident when the [[World eaters]] killed all their Psykers when they defected to Chaos. Like always, Tzeentch just said "Just as planned".
** When asked what the hell he was talking about, Tzeentch said that World Eaters Librarians were always too pissed off to put any effort into their labyrinthine schemes, and this in turn pissed Tzeentch off, and he decided to fuck over the Khornate psykers. [[Azariah Kyras|Except for the one who kept his shit together]], Tzeentch says, but Tzeentch says lots of things.

* Tzeentch is slightly pissed over the fact how his only representation in DoW are the Pink Horror daemons and the Chaos Sorcerer, unlike Khorne who gets Berzerkers, Chaos Marines chant "Skulls for the skull throne!" on attack and how he got an epic unit, the "Bloodthirster" and the fact that he has two Chaos Lords dedicated to him and the fact that his legion shows up in winter assault as one of the primary opponents, Khorne then goes on to get Bloodletters, Bloodcrushers, The Chaos Lord, who is the best damn commander in the game (though the Warboss has funnier dialogue) in DoW II, while in contrast, he's stuck with the sorcerer and his marines aren't even Rubrics. Still, better than Slaanesh, who only ever got the Emperor's Children default color scheme throughout the entire series. But now Slaanesh is getting Noise Marines in retribution, which are sorta like SM Plasma Cannon Devastators. All Tzeentch gets are marks for certain units, which turns everyone of them into tank/infantry raping death machines, especially the generic marines.

* However, in DOWII, Tzeentch is still reveling in the fact how he got [[Scott McNeil]] to voice the generic Chaos sorcerers again. '''HOWEVER!!!''', the Sorcerer's voice then became more soft, monotonous and unenthusiastic, which '''GREATLY''' angered Tzeentch.

* Tzeentch appears to be GW's least favorite of the Chaos Gods, his units tend to be the worst out of the four chaos gods, his stuff gets the least amount of attention, and the least amount of fluff written for him. Hell, there's often cases where despite magic/pyskic powers being his specialty, Nurgle and/or Slaanesh give a better selection than he does.

* Some people play chess with reality and manipulate events and people like chess pieces, others play pool/billiards with it, moving things along like a cue ball and cue stick, others play poker with the universe, bluffing and cajoling things to receive favorable outcomes, other play roulette with the cosmos, making all the little movements needed for that lucky roll. But Tzeentch, Tzeentch does it all at once in the nightmarish game of Paradox Poker-Pool-Roulette-Chess or PPPRC, a game that only a true master of dickery and the ability to perceive the past, future, and present can really play without looking like a massive tool.

* Every Saturday night, Tzeentch gets together with the [[C'tan|the Deceiver]], [[Cegorach]], and the [[Emperor]] for a rousing game of paradox poker-billiards-chess-roulette. The sheer amount of dickery and [[JUST AS PLANNED]] that goes on during these games is so vast that if you were to watch one of these games, your head would 'asplode into a shower of [[Necrons]], [[Daemon|Daemons]], [[Eldar]], and [[Space Marine|SPESS MEHREENS!]]. Even Khorne is afraid to watch one of these games for fear of his head's un...asplodedness... Nobody ever wins though, (mainly because the Emperor take too long on his turns). Creed was banned from these tournaments after infiltrating Aces/Warhound class titans into the games one too many times.

* Tzeentch's favorite characters in Mortal Kombat are Quan Chi, Shinnok and Shang Tsung. Though Tzeentch favors Quan Chi more than the other two due to him being (arguably) the most manipulative bastard in all of Mortal Kombat. Hell, he is mostly responsible for almost all the events that happened. In fact, Quan Chi is considered the most untrustworthy character in all of Mortal Kombat considering that he has a Chronic Backstabbing Disorder, constantly lies and never fulfills his promises.

* Tzeentch's favorite Black Library novel is "A Thousand Sons". This is mostly because he relishes over the fact that he is such a magnificent bastard for all the things he did in said novel.

* Tzeentch created [[C.S. Goto|C.S. Multilazor]] to specifically troll Khorne's fluff.

* Tzeentch has planned everything you do, even this. Who knows what this article is distracting you from? Tzeentch does because he's why you're here. Woah! Where do you think you're going? You're leaving, eh? 'Just as planned'...

* Tzeentch didn't write this article. But he set in motion [[Just As Planned|every single event]] that contributed to it. Yes. Even this specific author's decision to write this paragraph.

* The one place Tzeentch is afraid to go is the Well of Eternity; he believes that it is the beginning and end of the universe. He was wrong, it is where Sly Marbo lives. To find out what was in there, he sent in expeditions of Lords of Change and Horrors but they never came back out. Finally he just grabbed Kairos Fateweaver, his vizier, and threw him in. Due to lots and lots of [[Just as planned]] Fateweaver survived but was horribly disfigured. Marbo slapped himself for letting that one get away and forced himself to keep doing pushups until a planet the size of Jupiter was split in half as self discipline.

* The [[Warcraft]] and Starcraft franchises' existence are both Tzeentch's doing, he is the one that caused GW to turn down Blizzard's initial offer to make an RTS game. When Fateweaver was interrogated about why Tzeentch did that, the lying head dodged the question and the truth telling one said that there was no reason.

* Created the number Zero just to fuck up division, because he didn't enjoy mathematics at School and wanted Teachers to struggle to explain how it works or doesn't - It worked just as Planned!

* Created the concept of Entropy just to fuck up Science, because he didn't enjoy Science at school and wanted Teachers to struggle to explain how it works or doesn't - It worked just as Planned!

* Created Facebook....regretted it instantly but managed to troll the whole planet by making them buy Oculus Rift, no real logic just to fuck up Oculus's release schedule - It worked just as Planned!

* Contrary to what many would assume, Tzeentch is terrible at RTS games because he can never focus on one goal for a long enough period of time to focus on winning, or least that's the reason he claims why he lost at Supreme Commander to an illiterate [[Ork]] that did nothing but hit random keys the entire game.

* Tzeentch claims that [[Snowflame]] was his doing, arguing who else could be insane enough to create such a character. Slaanesh claims that Tzeentch is lying and that Snowflame is his/her/its doing, but Tzeentch points out that Slaanesh is also a liar, meaning that nobody knows who is lying.

* Tzeentch's realm is guarded by a labyrinth that can only be passed by the mad. It was only defeated once, by a <s>little girl with a small black dog, and even Tzeentch doesn't know how because the guardians refuse to discuss it (totally canon BTW).</s> Some Wizard of Oz pop-culture shit, GW is trolling.

* Tzeentch invented Scrappy Doo because he was bored.

* Tzeentch was the first being to create the Deathnote. Possibly the one who made the idea of it all and gifted this to the Shinigam's themselves. He might possibly be the shinigami king, a ball like skull thing that even the author himself states that he is "too afraid" to design the fucker himself.

* Since Tzeentch achieves his goals by having his many plans constantly foil each other and benefiting from the fallout of said foiled plans, this makes him one of the few beings who achieves [[Just As Planned]] as a direct consequence of [[Not as Planned]]. Depending on how you think about it, this means Tzeentch could technically be considered a god of both.

* If the deceiver and tzeentch battle and the deceiver wins tzeentch actually wins in disguise. and vice versa. and this effect is cumulative. therefore an unending cycle of win or don't win is created there are currently OVER 9000 such cycles in existence

* Tzeentch can be defeated with the following train of logic.
**You: So Tzeentch, you are the god of chaos?

**Tzeentch: Yes.

**You: So you would say that you are completely unpredictable?

**Tzeentch: Yes.

**You: So that means it is predictable that you will be unpredictable?

**Tzeentch:............. returns to his lair to contemplate the implications of this statement

*Tzeentch is the reason the internets hyperlinks are Blue.

==See Also==
*[[Thousand Sons]]
*[[Ballad of the Thousand Sons]]
*[[Thousand Son and Guardswoman]]
*[[The Game (Tzeentch)]]
*[[Rubric Marines]]

==Gallery==
{{promotions}}
<gallery>
Image:Just as planned tzeentch.jpg
Image:Tzeentchies.JPG|Tzeentchs followers
Image:MrTzeentch.jpg|The Avatar of Change. We are all Tzeentchian now.
Image:1ksons pokeymans.JPG| "I choose ''YOU;'' teach them all that Power demands Sacrifice!!"
Image:Tzeentch_mark.png| His Mark. Side effects may include growing extra eyes and rambling about the plans.
Image:Tzeentch_lord_of_change.jpg
Image:666511 - Lord of Change TentacleMonsterChu TheTentacleMonster Tzeentch warhammer.jpg|This proves that Tzeentchian Daemons can sometimes be naughty too.
Image:Tzeentch's_True_Form.png|This is speculated to be the true appearance of Tzeentch
File:Tzeentch servant.jpg|Different demon, same thing, or is it? Just as planned!
File:A_Typical_Sorceror_of_Tzeentch.jpg|A typical sorcerer of Tzeentch.
File:Tzeentchian Cultists.jpg|Pretty much how his cultists operate.
File:TzeentchPinup.jpg|Even your masturbatory habits are just as planned~
</gallery>

{{Template:ChaosGods}}
[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Age of Sigmar]]

Slaanesh

2016-07-21T21:39:27Z

2001:1C03:1001:E300:6032:362B:2C94:6126:

[[File:Slaanesh_mark.png|center]]
[[Image:Slaanesh_by_baklaher-d7dvohn.jpg|thumb|500px|right|Slaanesh...tempting you to join a [[rape|party in which you will never forget...]][[Rule 34|also now in even more NSFW!]]]]

'''''DRUGS FOR THE DRUG GOD! RAPE FOR THE RAPE TRAIN! SMUT FOR THE SMUT THRONE! — The Motto that Slaneesh wants YOU to believe in'''''

''“To be loved, feelings must be rationed. To love, the doors of hysteria, fantasy, and madness may be flung open.”''
 -Anton LaVey

''"Tears gratify a savage nature, they do not melt it."'' 
-Publilius Syrus
{{Promotions}}
{{heresy}}

==Introduction==
[[Image:Slaanesh by genzoman-d2y8ylf.jpg|thumb|500px|[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2qT7GylRxw And to think... I hesitated.]Wait, one whip is held in the hand and the other is held in the...]]
Behold '''Slaanesh''', Chaos God of [[/d/|perversion]], [[Extra Heresy|shamelessness]], [[Furry|excess]] and [[Rebecca Black|the most disgusting Pop Music in the history of ever]]. Heretical Fa/tg/uys cannot resist the most disgusting [[heresy]] of masturbating furiously to Slaanesh and his/her [[daemonette]]s.

Slaanesh was born <s>in the 1800s, when [[Tzeentch]] tricked major film producers to establish a colony in the anarchistic frontiers of California where they could practice their most lecherous vices</s> at the fall of the [[Eldar]], when all their torture, [[rape]], S&M, bondage, decadence, eventually tore the fabric of reality a new one and gave birth to Slaanesh along with the [[Eye of Terror]], killing the majority of their race. As a result, Slaanesh owns almost every last Eldar soul in the entire galaxy. In the event of an Eldar dying without a spirit stone, he becomes Slaanesh's sex toy for all of eternity day and night forever and ever (excluding exodites, who's soul will automatically go to their planet's world spirit). That is why Eldar are willing to manipulate entire worlds into [[Exterminatus|exterminating]] each other just to save one of their own. The [[Dark Eldar]] takes this up to eleven by sacrificing other souls to Slaanesh so that they don't get eaten. [[Khorne]] hates Slaanesh because s/he's a prissy faggot, but Slaanesh doesn't care about Khorne, or any of the other Chaos Gods, until s/he's done playing with herself, which is about 1 nanosecond every millennium, so about 13 nanoseconds total so far. Rumors that their relationship is beyond hate and occasional angry sex are just that; Khorne is not telling.

Of course, that paragraph is Slaanesh's WH40K history. In WHFB, Slaanesh has no real backstory and sort of just came out of nowhere like the other Chaos gods.

Among other things, Slaanesh is the god of sex, drugs, and rock n' roll. He/she/it is fueled by excess and pleasure, which means gratuitous amounts of anything generally fall under its influence. This actually becomes a big problem for Khorne, the God-Emperor of Mankind and the other Chaos Gods, whose worshipers have to constantly try not to enjoy themselves too much lest they end up feeding the Warp's whipping bitch. Especially when the Inquisition is all too enthusiastic in whipping heretics.

Many horny juveniles who have just found Warhammer seem to be obsessed with Slaanesh being a God(ess) of sexual pleasure. While [[fluff]] claims this is not true, in practical terms Slaanesh is the deity of pleasure, which can be broad. Pleasure can be derived from various sources, as such this can be anything from sex, eating, companionship, and so on and so forth. However, because Chaos is Chaos, Slaanesh is mostly associated with the extremes of pleasure. Lechery, gluttony, extreme masochism, and the likes, are the pleasures his/her/its followers partake in because Slaanesh's credo is to experience everything to the fullest. This basically means: why settle for one loving wife to have sex with you when you can have a hive world of loving concubines to satiate your desires? Or why eat one disgustingly expensive luxury meal when you could eat a Paradise world's supply of the stuff? Why just resort to cutting yourself to feel the pleasure of pain when you could be chopping off lumps of your flesh to heighten the sensation of pain?

One would think that if, as claimed, Slaanesh were the lord of all ''pleasure'' then Slaanesh would be omnipotent because in the end, biological and psychological fact tells us that every living thing with a fucking Neuron does anything simply because to feel pleasure and escape pain (the "pleasure principle").

Even [[Khorne]], her/his/its opposite, feels pleasure in killing, and Tzeentch feels pleasure in [[Just as Planned]]. That is why 40k lore tends to focus on Slannesh as a God of the most disgusting pleasures ever, not as a God of all pleasure. Additionally, in the [[fluff]], it does state that most pleasures (like regular love or the desire to eat) that might be covered under the "pleasure principle" are too "weak" to sustain Slaanesh. Slaanesh being usually named the "God of Excess" it's more that he/she gains power from OVER-indulging in the small things like sex and eating, which in 40k is actually more rare than people would think. Considering that it's damn hard for anyone to get more than a piece of stale toast and a dry handjob before a grueling 48 hours of avoiding death in the name of the Emprah in the far corner of some forgotten forge-world, the only way to get enough sex, drugs, and partying in to impress Slaanesh on your average imperial world, is to be a ruthless, controlling, evil, bastard.

<s>{{BLAM|'''SLAANESH AND HIS/HER/ITS WORSHIPERS WILL BE YIFFED IN HELL!!!!'''}}</s> ''Awright, which one of you guys let the [[Commissar]] in here?'' '''My bad.''' <s>'''Yiffed in hell, you say? Oh, it sounds so... exciting. Sign me in!'''</s>{{BLAM|''' *BLAM*'''}} That grammar alone was heretical.

==What? Warhammer?==
In the new [[Age of Sigmar]] [[Skub]]storm setting, Slaanesh has gone missing. Tyrion and Malerion worked together to capture Slaanesh, unknowningly helped along by the machinations of Tzeentch. Thus Slaanesh has been removed from the Pantheon of Chaos and replaced by the [[Horned Rat]]. Derp.

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wpryvDJSGT0 Most likely Slaanesh is being kept in a hidden warehouse while Tyrion works him/her over to make Slaanesh give back Aliathra's soul.]

There is speculation that Slaanesh has been removed as an active part of Age of Sigmar in some attempt by [[Games Workshop]] to make the game more accessible to children. [[Derp|Somehow, they failed to take into account that no game with such a high price of entry is going to be popular among kiddies anyways]]. They may be doing this so parents won't be put off by the game and be willing to buy it for their children and to get past the media watchdogs to make the game more mainstream; but that most likely won't work [[Games Workshop|due to reasons discussed on GW's page here]].

Yet hope for Slaanesh faction lovers still remains. According to the fluff available with Slaanesh missing his forces have split between those trying to find and free Slaanesh, those who are trying to claim their former masters position (currently this faction is being led by a Keeper of Secrets named Luxcious that wants to become the new god of depravity) and those who have begun worshiping Archaon as the new Slaanesh. This last faction is currently the biggest and is the main Slaanesh force fighting Order, though Archaon is not liking that there are Slaanesh wannabes trying to take his new position. From this development, in addition to Khorne's betrayal during the war with Order and the inclusion of back-stabbing Skaven into the Chaos faction seems to imply that chaos civil wars are on the horizon and Chaos will not be the united front that Order experienced during the end times this time around.

== Followers ==
Slaanesh attracts mortal followers from those seeking to become charismatic and popular, but instead corrupts them to become [[Chris-Chan|colossal perverts]]; alternatively, he/she/it may attract followers from those who are already colossal perverts, and corrupt them to become more charismatic and popular. [[Just as planned]].

Alternatively, Slaanesh sometimes finds those in the mortal realm with far more looks than brains to approach and give them everything they could ever want because he/she tells them that they simply deserve it, with nothing expected in return...other than them turning into a collossal egotistical hedonist with no sense of responsibility, right and wrong, or empathy as they fuck over creation on whim or for the lulz due to the ultimate entitlement complex possible.

Slaanesh and Khorne actually compete for the same pool of followers more often than you'd think, which is part of their bitter rivalry. A good rule of thumb is this: if a warrior wants to be the ''best'', gets his thrills from making that perfect shot, that perfect move, to [[powergamer|hone his or her skills the sharpest they can ever be]], or debasing their foes, they're Slaaneshi. If the thrill lies in just killing people, the pure joy of murder with the skill just a way of facilitating that, they're Khornate. Slaaneshi types also get off on the sensory overload rather than actual killing, even pain. See the Emperor's Children who get carved up by Raven Guard and won't fight back because the feeling of lightning claws dicing them up is too damn blissful. They also get off on the reactions they get from others- for example, the loyalist who Lucius tricks into slaughtering his own men.

When things come to more "social" followers, Slaanesh competes with Tzeentch, as followers of both are known for being a silver-tongued manipulative dicks with a huge hard-on for power. Here difference lies in that Slaaneshi followers seek power for their own gain, while Tzeenchian often have more altruistic goals or are more interested in a process of gaining power than actually getting it, intentionally raising the challenge to impossible level just to feed their ambitions.

Slaanesh and Nurgle rarely have any interaction, because their domains are too different. Those who are ambitious and feel they deserve better choose Slaanesh, while those who give up or accept their lot fall into Nurgle's open, sweaty arms. Conflict occurs, but love of the self and love of others aren't as mutually exclusive as the desire to destroy and the desire to create, or a demand for the spotlight against careful orchestration.

Slaanesh units are:
* '''[[Daemonettes]]''', hideous crab-clawed hermaphrodites or seductive scythe-clawed elf-girls depending on which fluff you choose to believe, fa/tg/uys love Daemonettes and spend much time eagerly awaiting the drawfags to provide them with moar heresy. Some fluff seems to suggest that they're hot elf girls until they decide it's time to rip your face off, at which point they become something more akin to the BDSM glam-rock black-eyed lobster women seen in the current models. Moreover, they're supposedly attractive to the beholder (though these are often xenophobic assholes and thus only consider themselves beautiful. Hah, put D&D in WH40K.) - this means that it is very likely that their appearance is entirely subject to the individual desires of whomever is perceiving them. This is represented by their hermaphroditic/androgynous appearance, supposedly rendering them attractive regardless of preference or sexuality. Their monstrous nature is a juxtaposition of slender sensuality and horrible, flesh-tearing daemonic claws. Like many daemons their appearance is supposed to be highly varied, which is never represented in the models.
* '''[[Fiends of Slaanesh]]''', large creatures that look like a bizarre cross between an aardvark and a scorpion with rows of breasts, these units are best used for hit and run attacks against armour.
* '''[[Seekers of Slaanesh]]''', Daemonettes mounted upon [[Steeds of Slaanesh]] which are the mix of an aardvark and a raptor [[dinosaur]]; fast and lots of attacks for not much points, prone to dying in a hail of arrow/bolter fire.
* '''[[Seeker Chariots of Slaanesh]]''', hard hitting unit/squad-wipe models, this is whom you call for when you need that pesky [[tarpit]] removed. Right now. From other end of the board. Be cautious though, these things need protection like grimoire and preferrably invisibility,or at least [[Distraction Carnifex|target mitigation]] to live long enough to do their job since they are big targets with juicy 10 armor all round. Also never ever position yourself so that the enemy could have even remote chance of charging these things: even squad of retarded [[Tau|fire warriors]] or some [[High Elves (Warhammer Fantasy)|Spearmen]] can take these chariots down in melee if they get the charge. These things live and die by the hammer of wrath attacks, use them accordingly.
* '''[[Exalted Seeker Chariot Of Slaanesh]]''', just two Seeker Chariots combined into one massive chariot, with stats to match.
* '''[[Hellflayer Chariot Of Slaanesh]]''', what happens when you combine enough Chariots to make Daemonettes literally [[/d/|dripping]] with excitement at being in battle.
* '''[[Warriors of Chaos]]''', not-Vikings/Mongols who live in the desolate north of Warhammer Fantasy and fight against each other when not raiding the rest of the world. The closer to the [[Warp Gates]] they are, the more like living Daemons while the furthest south are generally only concerned with survival and not offending gods.
* '''[[Beastmen]]''', the rapist omnivorous (in every sense of the word) animal-mutants that infest the world. Beastmen serve all of Chaos, some serve specific gods more than others but few serve one entirely. Live to literally and canonically shit on civilization and order. Ironically treated like shit by all of the rest of Chaos. Slaanesh, in keeping with the trend, allows his followers to fuck their women and drink their wine.
* '''[[Keepers Of Secrets]]''', Slaanesh's Greater Daemons, like a Daemonette on steroids, ecstasy and Viagra. Created from Slaanesh's own darkest thoughts and desires, each is radically different (even though there's only been three different models, one of which is long out of production). Geniuses capable of turning entire armies to their side, or destroying civilizations. The default leaders of almost any Slaaneshi army, unless lead by a...
* '''[[Daemon Prince]]''', a human (with [[Dechala|one Elf]] as the exception) so devout to Slaanesh that they managed to become a Daemon. In Fantasy this is usually, but not always, a Warriors of Chaos Champion who made the perilous journey of getting not to little or too much attention while in his/her service. In 40k, these are always...
* '''[[Chaos Space Marines]]''', the traitor marines of the [[Emperor's Children|third legion]] worship Slaanesh exclusively, as do warbands such as the Angels of Ecstasy and the Flawless Host. They also make up a large chunk of the Black Legion, as the Children of Torment.
** '''[[Noise Marines]]''', the specialist traitors dedicated to Slaanesh, akin to Khorne's [[Berserkers]], Nurgle's [[Plague Marines]] or Tzeentch's [[Thousand Sons]]. Aural-focused traitors who specialise in using [[Sonic Weaponry]] because the cacophony is the only thing that can register on their jaded senses anymore.
* '''[[Dark Elves (Warhammer Fantasy)|Druchii]]''', the Warhamer Fantasy evil Elves. In most of the games history (4 editions out of 8 total, the first two having virtually no story whatsoever), Dark Elves had their origin in their Queen [[Morathi]] being the high priestess of Slaanesh, who corrupted her [[Malekith|son]] and about half the Elf race. While most Dark Elves torture and kill in the name of [[Khaine]], Morathi lead a cult of Chaos Elves and regularly allied with other Slaaneshi factions (other than Beastmen, because Morathi kept [[Harpies|her own]] as pets and shits on all others like a good Chaos character should). In later editions, Chaos Elves were retconned away into worshipers of [[Atharti]], [[Hekarti]], and [[Ereth Khial]], three Elven Slaanesh-expy gods, in order to redo the Dark Elf faction as evil Elves who ally with other Elves in the interest of mutual survival instead of evil Elves who just want to watch the world burn while a slave who's skin has been torn off gives them oral. This choice split many fans, some asking why Elves should worship Slaanesh when they have Khaine instead of Khorne, others asking why they worship Khaine when Khorne is better.

== Facts ==
[[File:Nope.jpg|200px|right|thumb|Alright, who's next for "Purifying"?]]
* Slaanesh knows that you can't spell happiness without penis.
* Slaanesh turns all his/her followers into the opposite sex.
* Slaanesh's daemonettes possess men and then jack off.
* Slaanesh is bitching over the fact how his/her/its only representation in the DoW series was the [[Emperor's Children]] paint scheme. And they aren't even Slaaneshi like, they're just a generic chaos army. Although, he did grant favor to Eliphas for smashing a ton of soulstones.
**However, concerning stated above, the developers have added noise marines for Dawn of war 2: Retribution. This has made Slaanesh quite happy. However, he/she/it is still <s>pissed off of not getting enough representation</s> OFFENDED BY THIS SILENCE, considering Nurgle gets Plague Champion hero, the Plague Marine Tier 2 unit, and the Epic Great Unclean One daemon, Khorne then gets the Khornate Chaos Lord, Bloodletters and Bloodcrushers, while Tzeentch gets the Sorcerer hero, has the most effective upgrade for the basic CSM squad (Warpfire bolts make everything in front of them shit brix and was flat out broken in earlier versions of its introduction), and all of the Anti-armor upgrades, while he/she/it only gets a single unit that frankly eclipsed by either Plague Marines or generic Havocs with an autocannon.
* Charlie Sheen is his/her/its first true Daemon Prince.
* Slaanesh gets beaten up/off by all of the other Chaos Gods on a fairly regular basis, and gets off on it.
* If it exists, [[PROMOTIONS|Slaanesh faps/shlicks/shlaps to it]].
* Tzeentch likes to trick Slaanesh into fighting Khorne, Slaanesh always loses these fights and loses them hard. Tzeentch then gets a dose of lulz out of it. Slaanesh gets to take it hard. [[C.S.Goto| And this pleases him/her/it.]]
* Slaanesh is secretly depressed that he/she/it has no friends. Khorne is a dick, Tzeentch is the biggest dick there is, and Nurgle stole his Eldar goddess.
* Slaanesh gets bullied by all the other Chaos Gods constantly because none of them like him/her/it. This does not upset the balance, though, because Slaanesh likes BDSM where s/he was being bullied and tortured by the other Chaos Gods.
* Slaanesh is Tzeentch's second favorite victim for his hijinks, because it's oh so easy to string him along with offers of porn, whores, BDSM and/or drugs.
* Khorne regularly cuts off Slaanesh's arms and beats him/her/it over the head with them (Again, this inadvertently makes Slaanesh orgasm).
* Slaanesh was using steroids when he/she/it killed the Eldar Gods, he/she/it couldn't really beat them all without using performance enhancing drugs.
** Slaanesh is always on drugs (Except psychiatric medication, they kill sex drive down to the very biology)
* Slaanesh attempted to fight the Nightbringer in a desperate attempt to win back some street cred, he/she/it got his/her/its left boob for his/her/its trouble. It hurt so bad/good that it retroactively cut off the left boobs of all of Slaanesh's greater daemons and that's why they all only have one boob (or six).
* Slaanesh's favourite films;
** Hellraiser: Slaanesh's number one film. In fact, He/she/it took a lot of inspiration on many of the movie's aspects... <strike>That is, of course, a lie. He actually ripped off Hellraiser.</strike> Hellraiser ripped him/her/it off. There are rumors that Slaanesh had a cameo appearance in the sequel dressed as a lozenge.
** A Serbian Film: Slaanesh's second favorite movie. S/he's already started putting NEWBORN PORN into her/his daily schedule.
** Pink Flamingos: Slaanesh's third favourite movie, which is actually a film adaptation of Slaanesh's daily journal. It shows parts of Slaanesh's daily life such as bestiality, scat fetishes and vore ([[FATAL|the actors in that scene had sex with each other while crushing a real-life chicken to death between them]]. Fortunately the cannibalism was fake). Slannesh especially enjoyed that the movie quotes him/her directly: ''"Blood does more than turn me on, it makes me cum. And more than the sight of it, I love the taste of it. The taste of hot, freshly killed blood... Kill everyone now! Condone first degree murder! Advocate cannibalism! Eat shit! Filth are my politics! Filth is my life! Take whatever you like."'' ([[FATAL|This was an actual line from the movie, the things I do for you people...]]), and that a (now-deceased) drag queen played the main character.
** A Clockwork Orange: One of Slaanesh's favorite movies; not so much the book it was adapted from as it was less about sex and more a commentary on the nature of morality. He/she/it likes to jerk-off at many of the movie's aspects, but more notably Malcolm Mcdowell's sexy face. He/she/it also finds the death of one of the characters totally hilarious, due to the fact that said character was killed by a giant rocking ceramic phallus straight to the face. '''BLOWJOB OF DEATH !!! LULZ !!!''' Unbelievable and improbable? Well here's evidence to prove it: [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wbRSag-L-GQ Giant rocking ceramic phallus attack !!!].
** The Rocky Horror Picture Show: Mostly because of Tim Curry (who is actually Slaanesh).
*** On that note, he appeared as something closer to his true form in the 1985 movie Legend; [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gbknz3pcfPQ as a unicorn-killing big red devil who gets the hots for a princess].
** Caligula: The movie written by Gore Vidal for copious amounts of sex, incest and Malcolm Mcdowell, who Slaanesh is scouting out as a future Chaos champion.
** Event Horizon: A documentary of how he/she is directly responsible for fucking up humanities first venture into the warp.
* Slaanesh enjoys the Song of Ice and Fire books due to the copious amounts of incest and midget sex and the TV adaption Game of Thrones because they added sex scenes and casting several porn stars on top of this.
* Slaanesh gets ALL the pussy, though arguably just as much (if not more) cock.
* Slaanesh tried to seduce all of the remaining C'tan at once. Slaanesh ended up getting the pleasure sensors in its brain lobotomized. S/he got off on this.
* Despite psychic powers supposedly being Tzeentch's specialty, Slaanesh's tend to be the really [[cheese|cheesy]] ones. 3rd edition had a minor power called Siren, which forbids the caster from being shot at in the opponent's shooting phase (it's just as broken as it sounds). 4th edition has Lash of Submission, which the Chaos Marine tactics cover the usage of (in a nutshell, GW admitted they didn't realize how good it turned out to be and it was the most used on daemon princes even though the +1I from the required MoS wasn't very useful). And what about 6th edition? While Tzeentchian sorcerers focus on pwning the shit our of enemy with (mediocre) mind bullets and warp-beams, Slaaneshi ones pack a whole lot of cheesy buffs and debuffs, which makes them so much better. Similar deal in Fantasy, where Slaanesh, some of the time, offers a better selection of magic than Tzeentch.
** Still, he/she/it faps/shlicks/???-PROFIT at this.
* Slaanesh hates Warhammer Fantasy because all its worshipers are either very clearly only male or ugly shit-smeared Huns.
* Considering that Slaanesh is about excess, there might be several other types of Marines besides Noise Marines we don't know about:
** Smell Marines, who use gasses to do whatever they wish through peoples noses, whether it be death, insanity, paralysis, suggestibility, 'seeing colors', and so on, always permanent brain damage. This is a way to get Nurgle followers to convert.
**Sight Marines, whose weapons create wondrously intricate bloom and color effects of equally detailed and aesthetically (only to a branch of masochists masochists can't stand) pleasing. This is a way to get Khorne followers to convert.
** Touch Marines, who know the nervous system better than a Bene Gesserit, able to bring the mightiest warriors down with the right jab in the right spot, consumed with uncontrollable orgasms.
**Taste Marines, I am not describing that. Just leave it there. No one is dealing with this.
*Also, a former Tzeentch follower gone Slaaneshi would be incredibly dangerous: Tzeentch followers understand indeterminism (from a very distorted, cynical perspective) and also see knowledge as power per circumstance to win where force, charisma and economics cannot. A devout Slaaneshi seeks to experience everything. Thus a former Tzeentchian, already well read on enough to convince themselves they experienced it, or well read enough to steal peoples experiences, who became a hedonist addict as well would be left with one desire: to be omnipotent and thus be able to go beyond the limits of mortal imaginings in pursuit of understanding and experience for the sake of understanding and experience.
*Slaanesh tried to get in Khorne's head by seeking to understand the appeal of skulls. Instead Slaanesh got bored and invented the idea of skullfucking. '''{{Blam|DAMN IT SLAANESH WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY SKULL THRONE THIS IS DISGUSTING!! IT'S EVERYWHERE!! IT'S OOZING OUT OF EVERY EYE SOCKET!!! I'M NEVER GOING TO BE ABLE SIT ON THAT AGAIN AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!}}'''
*[[If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device|Slaanesh Patrols will skull fuck your family.]]

== Gallery ==
{{heresy}}
{{promotions}}
<gallery>
Image:Slaaneshi.JPG|Slaanesh followers DO COCAINE!!!!!!!!
Image:Daemonette commisssar.JPG|That's a real [[commissar]], just look at the [[hat]].
Image:Daemonette02.JPG|DDaemonette
Image:Daemonette01.JPG|It's not furry, you can totally fap to it.

Image:Daemonette.JPG
Image:Slaaneshi2.JPG|Why it's good to be Slaanesh follower.
Image:Daemonxmas copy.jpg|Slaanesh can be festive as well.
Image:Lurvemudkipz.JPG|It is possible that some [[pokémon]] are susceptible to Chaotic influence.

Image:Slaaneshi mudkips.JPG|Oh god. ;_;
Image:Slaanesh trainer.jpg|There is no excuse or explanation for this.
Image:Slaaneshijack copy.jpg|This image can be used to improve a bad thread.
Image:Irresistible.jpg|Simply Irresistible

Image:Dranon5.jpg|Mr Culexus' interpretation. Notice the bulge in the crotch.
Image:Not_too_abysmal_by_Mr_Culexus.jpg|Love can bloom in the galaxy of Transylvania
Image:1271157389405.jpg|What a Slaaneshi raptor would look like by non-GW canon.
Image:daemonette_minerva.png|Who else did you think furries worshiped?

Image:Slaanesh_LAWL.jpg|LAWL
Image:Trapmarine.jpg|Slaanesh Chaos Marines come with a little "extra"...
Image:Trapmarine_BW.jpg|... which may not be so "little".
Image:Daemonette_with_seeker_mount.jpg|She "rides" it... if you know what I mean... no seriously, zoom in if you don't believe me.

Image:643214 - Daemonette Eldar Warhammer 40k howling banshee warhammer yuliapw.jpg|The more common and usual fate of female Eldar.
Image:Slaanesh cosplay 1 by zk87-d2zo47q.jpg|Now 262.71% more real!
Image:Slaanesh Time.jpg|You might be mixing up love and lust.
Image:Slaanesh_miniature_closeup.jpg|Gimme some sugar

Image:Slaanesh+hr giger.jpg|H. R. Geiger is pleased
Image:Slaanesh by zk87-d2z4bpv.jpg|Lashes of Torment!
Image:Slaanesh-153102-SweetAngel.jpg|She Who Thirsts indeed
Image:Khorne-and-Slaanesh.jpg|Khorne is sooo tsundere...
Image:Slaanesh by genzoman-d2y8ylf.jpg|[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2qT7GylRxw And to think... I hesitated]

Image:Dark_Prince_of_Pleasure_Slaanesh_wfrp.jpg|From the old [[WFRP]] days
Image:MoeSlaanesh.png|How can you not want to serve something this <s>adorable</s> heretical?
Image:Anons_fall_to_Chaos.png|Anon heralds the Age of Strife.
Image:Champion of Slaanesh RL.png| We have the makings of a daemon prince here!
</gallery>

Give yourself over to absolute pleasure
Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh
Erotic nightmares beyond any measure
And sensual daydreams to treasure forever
Can't you just see it. Whoa ho ho!
Don't dream it, be it...
Don't dream it, be it...

==See Also==
*[[Dechala]] - The oldest existing Chaos Champion special character of Slaanesh in [[Warhammer Fantasy Battle]].
*[[Azazel]] - The oldest existing [[Daemon Prince]] of Slaanesh in [[Warhammer Fantasy Battle]].
*[[The Masque]] - Slaanesh's former fav fab Daemonette stripper, and current PR rep.
*[[Sigvald]], Slaanesh's favorite not-Caligula/not-Joffrey.
*The [[Emperor's Children]] legion - The largest contingent of sick fucks on this side of the warp. And on that side of the warp.
*[[Fulgrim]] - Primarch of the largest contingent of sick fucks <strike>on this side (and that side) of the warp</strike> ever.
*[[Fabius Bile|Fabulous Bile]] - What you get by combining a self-obsessed homosexual and Dr. Frankenstein, only this one is played [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kane_%28wrestler%29 Glenn Jacobs] instead of Tim Curry.
*[[Lucius]] - Considered by some as the Sickest of Fucks amongst the living.
*[[Doomrider]] - He does COCAINE!
*[[Miriael Sabathiel]] - The <s>first</s> only Sister of Battle to fall to Chaos and champion of Slaanesh.
*[[Daemonette]] - Daemons of Slaanesh. Viewing said content is heretical, in 20 seconds or less after clicking the link, expect a squad of inquisitorial storm troopers to barge-in and blam you to hell.
*[[Reasonable Daemonette]] - Slaanesh's perversion knows no bounds. Hers does, and she respects yours.
*[[Loli D]] - The [[loli]] variant of the Slaaneshi Daemonette. Viewing said content is extra heretical. E-Commissars can and will [[Exterminatus|blam you from your monitor with the utmost prejudice]] if you click on this link.
*http://1d4chan.org/wiki/File:Slaanesh's_sacrifice.pdf

{{Template:ChaosGods}}
[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Age of Sigmar]]

Nurgle

2016-07-21T21:39:26Z

2001:1C03:1001:E300:6032:362B:2C94:6126:

[[File:220px-Nurgle Symbol.png|center]]
[[File:Nurgle.jpg|500px|thumb|right|Nurgle making one of his usual recipes for Christmas. What the Imperium DOESN'T want you to know is that he is in fact Santa Claus in disguise...nice chap really.]]
'''NURGLE IS LOVE! NURGLE IS LIFE! ALL PRAISE THE PLAGUE FATHER WITH THE CORPSE OF DEATH! - The Pact of Nurgle in a Nutshell'''

''To me death is not a fearful thing. It's living that's cursed.''
-Jim Jones

{{awesome}}
{{heresy}}

==Introduction==
Also known as Papa or Grandpa Nurgle, he is the god of misunderstood sick fucks and all diseases. Nurgle is primarily the god of stagnation, death and decay, signifying the end of things in the material realm. Nurgle can be considered the god of everything, because no matter how permanent anything may seem, it will always eventually whither and decay in the end. While death is inevitable, sapient creatures will also fight against it with all their might, even to the point where they'd bargain with the powers of the Warp to flip death the bird (this is also a literal insult to Nurgle, as refusal to accept one's death is offensive to him), and this is where Tzeentch (or [[Nagash]]) comes in. This struggle is where Nurgle and Tzeentch's/Death's rivalry largely comes into play.

Nurgle is also the god of other stoic emotions, such as: inevitability, empathy, kinship, happiness, struggle, love, tradition, mercy, and memory. Unlike Tzeentch who tells his followers to deny death to continue to achieve greater things; Nurgle tells his followers to accept the inevitability of their demise, and by doing so, achieve solace and happiness. His followers are all-too happy to spread the joyous teachings of Papa Nurgle and if those living fleshbags won't listen, they'll show them the joys of death first-hand using Nurgle's many plagues.

He was the first Chaos God to begin to form in Warhammer 40k, somewhere in the post-Roman era (probably during the Justinian Plague, [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plague_of_Justinian] in the 5-600s). Khorne was the first to gain sapience though, during the orgy of violence that were the Mongol invasions. Nurgle quickly followed suit and became fully conscious during the Black Death.

In the cold, dark grimdarkness of medieval Germany / outer space, where life sucks and everyone's a dick, Nurgle cares. And he loves you. He brings you family, love, and the time to embrace that love fully and become one with it. He accepts you for who you are. Just stay that way. Don't wash, don't shave, don't change your underwear. You're great the way you are. He knows that you have been abandoned by your past lovers, friends, maybe even family. He knows that you need the feeling of belonging, security and stability in your life. He will embrace you if you trust him to bring you an eternal, painless existence.

Nurgle's chosen champions are the Warriors of Chaos/Plague Marines, who have willingly accepted his myriad diseases and let him turn them into shambling, bloated zombie-like carrions that no longer feel any pain. Though it is not well known, he does have [[Sister of Nurgle|a few Sisters of Battle who worship him]]. The nature of Nurgle is that anyone suffering from one of his plagues is counted as one of his worshipers, and he'll grant Chaos blessings freely to them.

Nurgle's followers refer to him as Papa Nurgle, and usually paint their armor in snotty greens, dookie browns, or biley yellow. Most often greens, though. As can be expected, of all the Chaos Gods, Nurgle is the most likely to corrupt [[Orcs & Goblins]]/[[Orks]].

Nurgle is hero of all fa/tg/uys; fat and smelly but still getting laid! Nurgle in Fantasy kept the human goddess [[Shallya]] captive as his Poxfulcrum (an individual who cannot die of his plagues and cleanses themselves after contracting his newest creations, used on the individual to test them out), until she was rescued by [[Kaldor Draigo]], Warhammer Dante Alighieri, and two Elves with the second (female one) taking Shallya's place. In Age of Sigmar he becomes fixated on [[Everqueen|Alarielle]] and her [[Dryad]] daughters.
In 40k, he saved the Eldar goddess [[Isha]] from [[Slaanesh]], to become his Poxfulcrum and wife. Slaanesh is still upset and doesn't really like Nurgle for that. [[Cake|Nowadays, Nurgle and Isha live as a happy couple in Nurgle's residences somewhere in the Warp. Nurgle likes to cook, and Isha is always eager to taste his stewings]].

Generally speaking he's the third most powerful Chaos God after [[Khorne]] and [[Tzeentch]], respectively. But even at his weakest, he's still always stronger than [[Slaanesh]] at his/her/its/hermaphrodite's strongest. His power waxes during great plagues and times of great despair, decay, stagnation and when individuals let go of their ambitions. He becomes less influential during periods of great hope, change, evolution and when cures for his plagues are found, as well when individuals give in to their ambitions. During an especially big plague and/or period of stagnation (even more so than is usual for Warhammer any way, excluding GW's own stagnation of the story-line (as well as their business), which would in theory make him the strongest god, but as soon as this is acknowledged, things would no longer be stagnant, just as Tzeentch had planned), decay and despair, he can temporarily become the mightiest chaos god and his realm will encroach upon the realms of the other Chaos Gods and the neutral (Undivided, Law or unaligned) parts of the Warp. But as all power in the Warp is in constant change due to the life in the material realm being what it is, events that fuel his burst of power will eventually end and he will return to the position of being in the third place.

Other than being bloated, living corpses filled with wriggling vermin, Nurgle followers have other iconic traits: singular or triple eyes arranged in a triangle, long tongues or insectoid appearances, singular horns, and ringing bells.

==Papa Nurgle's forces:==
* [[Great Unclean Ones]] - Greater Daemons with great sense of humor and a jolly split belly ready to jiggle with laughter. These merry guffaws make their entrails dangle from their open festering wounds, which Nurglings and Beasts love to jump up and down on and play with. You can smell the tangy perfume of ruptured boils, and it's said Nurgle himself is kind enough to coat their swords in the contagion of his own throne! What a swell chap; never too high and mighty to help his followers!
* Beasts of Nurgle - these are '''the''' puppydogs you asked Santa for! Complete and equipped with wagging tails, a long tongue to lick you in the face, the scampering excitement of youth, a slug-like texture and paralytic toxins!! If they get a little too excited they might piddle corrosive acid! Become a stalwart Nurgle follower and get one today!
* [[Plaguebearers]] - reincarnated souls of Nurgle's followers or the victims that fell to Nurgle's Rot. Nurgle is so generous that the gift of Daemonhood isn't just for Daemon Princes! They look like the bloated corpses of the drowned, but instead of water, they swell with pus and black bile. They are typically surrounded with swarms of buzzing flies, who make the plaguebearers much more complicated targets of shooting attacks. Really love to share their gifts. Their arms are made for hugging!
* [[Nurgling]]s - look like a tiny child's toy versions of Nurgle himself. They are CYOOOT and every Nurgle trooper wants the "shlorp, pitter, drip" of a pet Nurgling of their own, which is great because Nurglings can grow inside the skin of any Nurgle worshiper: the more plagued you are, the more likely you are to be "pregnant" with a few or more of these cure buggers at any given time.
* [[Plague Marines]] - mostly consist of members of the [[Death Guard|Fourteenth Legion]], although a substantial number of the [[Black Legion|Sixteenth Legion]] are now also "blessed" with Papa Nurgle's gifts. As Astartes who are immune to pain and minor injuries, these guys are particularly difficult to kill.
* Plaguetouched Warband - [[Warriors of Chaos]] who worship Nurgle, 'nuff said.
* Putrid Blightkings - Plaguetouched who are blessed with a living rot by Nurgle via his Daemonflies. Many have lost their internal organs and either constantly give birth to Nurglings or use it as a fungus-infested storage space (much like refrigerators in student corridors) or a place for hanging bells.
* Harbingers of Decay - more corpses than men who ride from settlement to settlement spreading Nurgle's plagues.
* Rotbringers - the Wizards of Nurgle.
* Maggot Lords - Blightkings who are particularly favored by Nurgle and are granted giant eyeless ogre-like Daemons with gaping maws called Pox Maggots to ride.

==Anecdotes about Nurgle==
[[Image:Nurgle_hug.JPG|thumb|Grandfather Nurgle loves all of his Children.]]
*About a year ago, I was out having a few drinks with the guys, when in walks Nurgle. He bought drinks for everyone in the bar. When we were all too hammered to drive home, he loaded us all up in his old Mazda 96 and bused us around town until we all made it back home. And when that cop pulled us over and tried to make trouble, Nurgle boiled his eyes out of his anus. Nurgle is a great guy.

*Me and Nurgle were going to go see this movie, I can't remember the name, and we were passing through the bad part of this Khornate neighborhood. Some fucking bloodletters ran out in front of the car and started denting up the damned thing. Nurgle just sits there, waiting for them to get out of the way, with that big goofy smile on his face. It wasn't until one of them busted my window and tried to drag me out of the car that Nurgle absolutely flips out. Before I know it, the whole road is ground zero for like an army of little black things. I couldn't figure out what they were until the bloodletters start screeching, running around in circles and clawing at their nuts, as their genitals just start exploding, one by one. Nurgle drives off, just wearing a smile. Fucker gave them all a case of super crabs. We laughed all the way to the show. I love Nurgle. He is a pretty fun guy to be around, just like Khârn.

*When I visited the Nurglette's family and met Papa Nurgle, he greeted me at the doorstep, football in hand, wearing an old fuzzy sweater and funny orange slacks, with a big goofy grin that said, "I like you already."

*Y'know, its a good thing in that grimdark universe, with [[Eldar|pointy aliens]] blowing off your limbs, some [[Necron|undead robots]] trying to de-atomize you, the Imperium with its Throne Vegetable for an emperor and the Inquisition trying to [[Exterminatus]] the shit out of everybody, you get to have the most loving family circle ever. Sure, you start to smell a little funny, get a sore here and there, a rash in your ass, but hell, you never ever feel pain or get upset since you no longer fear death, you get to have an immortal, eternal father that spreads joy and gifts all around, with plenty to spare, and a nurglette wife that is most loving and caring, if you can stand her burps and farts. And while you will be the most hideous thing in the universe, what use is appearance and health if everybody else is willing to take it away from you?

*When i was about 5 years old, my mother got diagnosed with lung cancer. After a month or two, her condition became worse and she started to have these random coughing fits and shortly thereafter, she started to cough blood. My father was not allowed to take a loan to try to find a trustworthy and professional (and thus expensive) doctor to set up a recovery program. So my mother decided to just live on pain pills and do as much as possible for our family before her body gave up. Then one day, completely out of nowhere, my mother collapses on the stairs of our home and does not wake up even as we put wet blankets on her face. My father takes the car and immediately drives us to the hospital. The physicians tell us that her body is dying. She is in great pain and there is nothing we can do. As we are standing there, next to her bunk, exhausted from unrest and tears, i see Nurgle standing next to me. Time freezes and the room suddenly fills with a sweet scent, like those white flowers of blooming apple trees. Nurgle has this goofy smile on his face. He reaches down towards my mother and just as i see his finger make contact with her shoulder, she gasps and her face lights up as if she instantly got 20 years younger. She looks so beautiful and innocent, laying there. Nurgle tells me that he is sorry, but for my mother to stop feeling pain, he needs to take her with him. Her goodness, beauty and love will live for ever. As i see my mother's skin darken and fall off, to reveal corrupted and worm-infested flesh, sliding off in heaps to eventually reveal the bones turning into milky paste, i hear her last words: "Thank you...". Nurgle saved my mother and for that, i am eternally thankful. Nurgle is life, Nurgle is love.

==Relationship with other Gods==

'''Before reading this, please pay your respects to all valiant and mentally strong reporters who put compilation of this report the first and foremost priority of all.'''

* [[Tzeentch]]: Nurgle and Tzeentch are archenemies, though their relationship is still a great deal friendlier than Khorne and Slaanesh's. Nurgle thinks that Tzeentch should accept people for who they are, consider the feelings of the people that he steps on in his many schemes and plots and be more loving to his followers and daemons. Treat them like a family, instead of faceless pawns. Tzeentch's opinion was pretty difficult to understand, due to frequent tourettes-like outbursts of "[[JUST AS PLANNED]]". Half of our crew report that he thinks that Nurgle should stop delving on the past, get used to collateral damage and stop being such a wuss, while the other half think the complete opposite. Empirical evidence show that they are still far more likely to cooperate than Khorne and Slaanesh, would be if only for a little while.

* [[Khorne]]: Nurgle isn't very comfortable with Khorne's "Kill 'em all, fuck sorting them out"-policy, though he likes the fact that Khorne refuses to allow his mortal followers and daemons to attack the innocent and helpless (except in most of Khorne's fluff, when the writers forget this, but hey, this is clearly imperial propaganda to make khornites look bad), even if the reason for it is... questionable. Nurgle thinks that Khorne should calm down, stop fighting anything that looks like it would present anything resembling a challenge and actively protect those who can't fight for themselves, rather than punishing those followers who can live up to his expectations. When asked what he thinks of Nurgle, Khorne responded with a long stream of curses, oaths and obscenities, strung together while foaming at the mouth. Empirical evidence show that they did however help to save Khaela Mensha Khaine from being killed, raped and eaten by Slaanesh, though Khaine unfortunately ended up being broken in pieces in the process.

* [[Slaanesh]]: Nurgle isn't big on Slaanesh's omniphilia and sadomasochism. Nurgle likes Slaanesh the least of all Chaos gods, the biggest reason to this has it's root during Slaanesh's inception, when Nurgle watched in horror as the newborn hermaphrodite killed and raped nearly all the Eldar Gods and Goddesses. Nurgle saved [[Isha]] from the perverted freak and cheered Khorne on as he fought to save Khaela Mensha Khaine, while helping Cegorach to hide in the [[Webway]]. Our interview with Slaanesh on the subject of Nurgle took the longest time of all. The details of the interview shall not be revealed in public documents as these, but simply put, Slaanesh sees Nurgle as an ugly, fat, boring and "unsexy" amoeba.

* [[Nightbringer]]: Nurgle isn't very happy about how coldly and mercilessly the C'tan butchers all living things and then devours their souls. Nightbringer was surprisingly calm during our talk and even offered us a cup of tea. We sat down and listened to him talk for hours about how he can't fight his own nature, that he is rather upset with Nurgle often stealing his Grim Reaper schtick, as well as that Nurgle is a no-good two-bit youngster. These two apparently represent the polar opposites of how death could come for you.

* [[The Deceiver]]: Nurgle thinks that the Deceiver is like Tzeentch without all the magic, while having the dickish aspects of personality multiplied tenfold. When asked about his opinion, the Deceiver gave us a set of riddles, caused one third of our interview crew to walk away, convinced another third to attack us, and made the rest of us hallucinate as if on acid.

* The [[Void Dragon]]/[[Omnissiah|Machine God]]: Nurgle isn't very fond of the fact that the Void Dragon eats the souls of those who have metal parts in their bodies and is quite unnerved of what he'll do when he wakes up. The Void Dragon was quite impossible to reach for an interview, since the Adeptus Mechanicus simply laughed in our faces when we asked for entry to the Noctis Labyrinthus.

* [[C'tan|The Outsider]]: Nurgle isn't sure what to think of the Outsider, but then again no one is, because he doesn't want to come out of that big sphere of his. We knocked, left gifts outside and even detonated a warp drive a couple of kilometers away, but he wouldn't come out for an interview.

* [[Emperor|The Emperor]]: When asked about the Emperor, Nurgle's typical goofy grin widened when he said: "I don't like referring to that old friend as The Enigma, but i sure love to irritate him in all kids of ways. He is a nice chap, that one, but he really has no sense of humor.". Nurgle then proceeded to make most of our team fall asleep by nostalgically telling us of their poker nights and how happy he was when he invented the infamous nose-itch that has been irritating the Emperor for some thousands of years now. As for the Emperor's opinion, we will have to wait for Alfabusa's next Q&A video.

* [[Isha]]: Nurgle turned very serious when asked about his wife, which unnerved those awake and woke up those still asleep from his tales about poker nights with the Emperor. Nurgle gave us the impression of being overly protective, when he adamantly forbid us to get even close to the garden where Isha resides. He told us about how he rescued her from Slaanesh ten thousand years ago and how he cooks for her. His love is serious and very strong. In the end, Nurgle got so excited from talking about how he shows his affection towards Isha, that he showed some of his favorite food recipes to us, which accidentally made the majority of our reporters to hemorrhage or internally combust. For those unfamiliar with the Eldar pantheon, Isha is the goddess of life, fertility and healing, which makes her immune to Nurgle's cooking and infamously poor hygiene. This arrangement is begging for a romantic sitcom. In Warhammer Fantasy universe, she is known as [[Shallya]] and/or Kalara.

* [[Khaine|Khaela Mensha Khaine]]: Nurgle is still upset that he and Khorne couldn't save Khaine from breaking during the fight with Slaanesh. Nurgle tries to be nice to the Avatars of Khaine that pop up every now and then, even if they don't often return the favor, since being the Eldar god of War and Murder precludes silly things like friendship and interviews.

* [[Cegorach]]: While Nurgle thinks that the Laughing God was more than a little selfish to hide behind Khaine and then Khorne, he is rather fond of the galaxy's greatest comedian and plays poker with him on a regular basis. When asked what Cegorach thinks of Nurgle, our interview crew died laughing, so we had to recruit a completely new one. Recording this joke would need the help of a typically humorless mechanicum tech adept, but recruiting one for this task is simply impossible. The joke would simply have to rest for now.

* [[Malal]]: Nurgle is concerned for Malal's self-destructing tendencies and self-inflicted solitary confinement. To demonstrate, he took some pastries and cooked a can of tea and took our crew out on a stroll to visit Malal. We knocked and the door opened just little enough for some anti-particles to escape the room beyond. Next moment, the door was slammed in our face with a force that sent everyone except Nurgle flying. Having the patience on the level not rivaled by anyone else, Nurgle simply put the tray down outside the door. On our way back, Nurgle told us that every next time he visits Malal, he finds the tray empty of it's contents.

* [[Great Horned Rat]]: A combination of a putrid, corrupted beast and Tzeentch, who squats in Nurgle's Garden. ''Nobody'' likes The Horned Rat and thus no interview was bothered to be made. After Slaanesh was kidnapped by Elves in Age of Skubmar, Nurgle joined the other Chaos Gods in voting The Horned Rat into the Great Game as Slaanesh's replacement. That being said, Great Horned Rat has been compared to an unwanted bastard child, and the analogy is well deserved.

* [[Archaon]]: Nurgle's opinion of Archaon is the same as of the other Chaos Gods. He can test Archaon whenever he wants and Archaon always passes. Archaon can be counted on as being a useful tool that can destroy entire universes, but his hatred of the Chaos Gods ensures none of them will ever have any more control over him than anyone else. This resulted in Nurgle putting everything he has under Archaon's command.

== Side Effects ==
Side effects of worshiping Papa Nurgle include (and are not limited to):
Boils, scabs, internal bleeding, external bleeding, bleeding from the gums, bleeding from eyes and ears, pissing blood, sweating, dehydration, carbuncles, rash, pus-filled sores, nausea, vomiting, bloody vomit, black vomit, black & bloody vomit, sneezing, runny nose, dry nose, coughing, dry cough, wet cough, not-so-dry-but-still-raspy coughing, fever, hay fever, meat sweats, athlete's foot, athlete's arm, swimmer's ear, tennis elbow, farmer's tongue, milkmaid's nipples, ploughman's bottom, browning of the nipples, tender nipples, hard nipples, kitten nipples, shitting dick nipples, vertigo, drowsiness, sleepiness, insomnia, mad cow disease, mad postal worker disease, loose bowels, constipation, jiggly handles, anal leakage, smallpox, super small pox, large pox, black death, pink death, black eye, pink eye, genetic disorders, heart attack, lung cancer, loss of skin, blood clots, spilling guts, frothing mouth, rabies, puss excrement, moderate gas, medium gas, severe gas, holy-shit-who-died gas, mortality, sudden mortality, baby mortality, super-mortality, immortality, almost-but-not-quite mortality, nurglopromorphism, chicken pox, baldness, blood clotting, AIDS, super-AIDS, STD's, STI's, zombification, crabs, super-crabs, giant enemy crabs, spycrabs, random and painful erections, Ebola, everything tasting of goats, reduced sex drive, increased sex drive, spontaneous breakouts of "HEUHEUHEU", and mild discomfort of the neck. In most cases side effects were generally in the extreme and permanent. Consult your physician before worshiping Nurgle.

==Disclaimer==
If you join Nurgle, we can't promise that you'll become the most attractive person in the world, or that you will be accepted in many places, but Nurgle has a place for each and every one of us in his great big ol' diseased heart.

== Fun Nurgle Facts ==
* Nurgle, despite being the third most powerful Chaos God, has possibly the smallest fanbase in Warhammer 40k. Apparently having [[Khorne|RAEG]] fits, being allowed to scream [[Tzeentch|JUST AS PLANNED!]] and receiving [[Slaanesh|PROMOTIONS]] is better than friendship and love, or anything else that Papa Nurgle offers. In contrast, he has the single largest fanbase in Warhammer Fantasy, partially due to how easy his models are to modify with greenstuff and how overpowered his army has always been.

* Despite being the God of despair and decay, he's ironically a lot friendlier than the [[Tzeentch|God of change and hope]].

* As discussed in a /tg/ thread, the "Garden of Nurgle" may be a metaphor for Isha and Nurgle being the same entity. This works great with the idea of Grandpa Nurgle in a dress, pretending to be a space elf princess and fits quite nicely with the "king of the [[Neckbeards]]"-theme some fa/tg/uys had developed.

* According to [[Storm of Magic]], when Nurgle gets upset or depressed, he wanders off into the many bogs of his region of the Realm of Chaos to hunt [[Plague Toads]], squashing them to cheer himself up. They make a fun squishing sound.

* Nurgle's triple-circle symbol looks like a stylized fly (the animal most commonly considered holy to Nurgle), a stylized version of the bio-hazard symbol and also represents the cycle of death, decay and rebirth, over which Nurgle has dominion.

* Nurgle is the only Chaos God whose Daemons look just about like him. Plaguebearers don't, but that's because they're the possessed souls of fallen enemies.

* According to the Tome of Decay for [[Black Crusade]], Nurgle sees his role in the cosmos as a sort of galactic recycler. Entropy rises when life grows so old that Order stagnates and decays, meaning it's Chaos's job to consume and destroy everything, leaving rot in abundance for new, verdant life to be born from; clean and pure, until the cycle repeats again. Imagine forest fires that occur naturally to set a clean slate to the flora, before it almost chokes itself to death by overgrowing. Nurgle's job, as he sees it, is to euthanize the galaxy as quickly and as painlessly as possible, and as far as he's concerned, the galaxy is well over due the time where it should have been cleansed to start a new life cycle.
** Ironically, this is a valid argument for Nurgle and Tzeentch to work together in harmony for a common goal. Nurgle clears out the trash and gives Tzeentch the room to begin again. The galaxy becomes a blank slate for Tzeentch to experiment and coax new life to take shape and rise in the next cycle. Contradictingly, this is also an argument for Nurgle and Tzeentch to fight with each other, as the God of Change is not doing his job properly. Instead he is, ironically again, perpetuating the status quo for whatever reason, rather than letting Nurgle do his thing. It could also be that Tzeentch is still helping him, since his plans might appear to maintain the status quo, while really planing seeds for the final collapse. Even in real life scenarios, in many cases of stagnation, the measures that are applied to hold a society or system afloat, eventually become too many until everything eventually collapses all over itself.
*** He apparently succeeds at this goal in [[The End Times]] of [[Warhammer Fantasy]]. Perhaps fitting, along with the various analyses on this page. Tzeentch seemed mostly cool with the fact, while Slaanesh wasn't.

* As a comparison to Ereshkigal, from Sumerian mythology, Nurgle is a hot goth chick. Ereshkigal's relationship with her sister Ishtar, a goddess of sex and violence, once imprisoned in Ereshkigal's realm due to hubris, is similar to Nurgle's relationship with Isha, who in this case is a symbol for the Eldar's fall from grace and whose imprisonment is a result of their sins, despite not being particularly decadent herself. Ereshkigal is a gloomy underworld deity (ergo the goth chick comparison), but isn't seen as especially malevolent and is even fairly sympathetic, even though highly protective of her charge, much like Nurgle himself (whose name, incidentally, is based on Nergal, Ereshkigal's husband, a deity of destruction and disease).

* Nurgle's main daemon unit, the Plaguebearers, are the second most fucking impossible to kill enemies in Warhammer Fantasy, succeeded only by Plaguemarines in 40k and Great Unclean Ones in Fantasy. Worth noting that the Plague Marines are just Plaguebearers with cool armor and guns, while Great Unclean Ones are miniature versions of Nurgle himself. Each one can soak up 13.5 bolter shots on average, before dropping dead (do not ever 100% trust mathhammerthough), which some find unreasonable, considering that they cost one point less than regular space marines, meaning that a more expensive model will have little hope in killing it by the time it usually takes to complete a full game. You don't want to know how many lasgun shots is needed to be fired at one to kill it (36). Then you get into Fantasy, where you need fire, and as much of it as possible... and cannons. Lots and lots of cannons.

==Famous Servants==
*Mary Mallon - Also known as Typhoid Mary [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Typhoid_Mary], was a real life person infected with Typhoid fever and who was such a devout follower of Nurgle, that her symptoms didn't show (she was an asymptomatic carrier). She was presumed to have infected 51 people (3 of whom died), over the course of her career as a cook. She was forcibly isolated by [[Adeptus Arbites|public health authorities]] twice and eventually died after nearly [[Grimdark|three decades in isolation]].

*[[Typhus|Typhus The Traveler, Herald of Nurgle]] - A rational fellow, mostly famous for being a tough son of a bitch to kill which is owed to the fact that he is encased in [[Terminator]] armor and is fully pledged to Nurgle. Typhus to Nurgle is what Khárn is to Khorne, which means that he's Nurgle's favorite mortal servant. Also famous for grabbing guardsmen and Marines alike with his scythe to drag them closer to his hug-friendly arms as well as causing zombie-plagues. Too bad that everyone who gets too close to him rot away into a pile of green slop. Typhus is also the name of a disease, because GW are nothing if not subtle (which is sweet, considering typhus and typhoid fever are caused by ingesting food or water contaminated with a carrier's feces).

*[[Puc'Kao]] - Nurgle's daemonic tooth rot fairy, gum disease and sweets. Often seen as an overweight, pus-dripping cherub who likes to play pranks on people, usually by removing healthy teeth from the mouths of unsuspecting mortals as they sleep. As you can expect he is a fun guy.

*Orghotts Daemonspew - The child of a human Witch and a Great Unclean One (don't ask, imagine the details yourself) who wants to join his father by becoming a Daemon. A Maggot Lord.

*Bubonicus - Nurgle's version of Khorne's [[Doombreed]], Slaanesh's [[N'kari]], and Tzeentch's M'kachan. Like Slaanesh's second in command, Bubonicus has no chance of being a real life historical figure unlike M'Kachan and Doombreed since he was born a good deal after humanity became a space faring species and was not in fact, born on Terra, but instead hailed from the same planet as N'kari. He is something of an oddity among the four Great Daemon Princes, since he's not roughly as old as Nurgle, while the other three are about as old as their respective gods. He has a huge line of dancers on one planet that goes across said planet's equator and they keep on dancing until they catch Uber-Syphillis and become Plaguebearers, at which point they leave to fight for Nurgle while someone else takes their place. The absolute fucking life of the [[Krieg|party]]. His primary rival among the Daemon princes is not M'Kachan as one would expect, but N'Kari, as they were enemies in their mortal life.

*[[Foulspawn]] - Foulspawn is the only known case where, after becoming a [[Chaos Spawn|you-know-what]], it did not die, but rather continued it's existence by swallowing it's victims whole. Currently keeps the record of giving the best hugs in this galaxy.

*Festus The Leechlord - A man who fancies himself to be Nurgle in mortal form. Constantly makes concoctions from experimental diseases and forces his enemies to drink them.

*[[Mortarion]] - Daemon Primarch of the Death Guard that hasn't done much since ascending to Daemonhood but to sit around all grumpy.

*[[Ulkair|Ulkair the Great Unclean One]] - Ulkair is notable due to his history with the [[Blood Ravens]], and was imprisoned by Kyras a thousand years before the story line of Chaos Rising. Came back when Eliphas sacrificed a bunch of Blood Ravens and provided him with a Plague marine to possess. A notoriously tough bastard.

*Scabeiathrax - Nurgle's version of Khorne's An'ggrath, Slaanesh's Zarakynel and Tzeentch's Aetaos'Rau'Keres (say that five times fast). Famous for having T9 and 10 wounds meaning that he's completely impervious to any attack that doesn't at least have S6. He's the biggest and strongest of all of Nurgle's Greater Daemons and is probably the strongest of all of his servants in general. If Ulkair has 2,800,000 hit points, then Scabeiathrax would have 280,000,000,000.

*Bloab Rotspawned - A man made up mostly of flies as "punishment" for past offenses. A Maggot Lord.

*Morbidex Twiceborn - A man who resembles Nurgle himself. A Maggot Lord.

*The Glottkin - A trio of Daemonic brothers: Ghurk - that has become something akin to a Great Unclean One, Otto - the tactician of the three, and Ethrac - the Wizard.

*Gutrot Spume - A highly mutated servant of Nurgle who's known for his arrogance.

*[[Luke]] - I don't know where to start. Just... Ugh.

As a general note, the followers of Nurgle usually retain high levels of common sense compared to followers of the other Chaos Gods. Probably because they don't usually go insane to the point of uncontrollable defecation, they just defecate uncontrollably (sanity has nothing to do with it). They usually get creative in their conquests and tend to get cool gear and use it well. Plague Marines for example, got bored with regular frag- and krak grenades and decided to instead use the SEVERED HEADS of their enemies: zombified, plague-ridden, embalmed, severed heads.

== Gallery ==
'''<nowiki>*WARNING! NURGLINGS ARE NOT THIS CUTE!*</nowiki>
{{Promotions}}
<center>
<gallery>
Image:Nurgbeard.jpg|A neckbeard dedicated to Nurgle.
Image:Chaos God DnD.png|He brings a lot to the table.
Image:Nurglies.jpg|Nurgle's followers.
Image:Nurglette.png|Nurgle also has daemonettes. Too bad they all have chlamydia. (Then again if you worship Nurgle, it doesn't really matter!)
Image:Loli-daemonette_(12).jpg
Image:Loli-daemonette_(4).png
Image:Loli-daemonette_18.png
Image:Nurgmonette.jpg
Image:Loli-daemonette_(20).jpg|Cultists devoted to Nurgle have a different relationship with their daemons than those devoted to [[Rip and tear|Khorne]], [[Rape|Slaanesh]] or [[Not as planned|Tzeentch]].
Image:Nurgle_troops.jpg|At home with the family.
Image:Chaos.jpg|She slept with the judge!
Image:Mallon-Mary_01.jpg|Be vigilant, not everyone with the makings of a Nurgle champion look like one.
Image:GreatUncleanOne.jpg|Greater daemon of Nurgle, the Great Uncle One.
Image:pool.jpg|The powers of Nurgle laugh in the face of chlorine.
Image:laidbacknurglette.jpg|Daemonette of Nurgle (don't fap, it'll fall off).
Image:Nurgle trainer copy.jpg|None loves his Pokemon more than the Nurgle Trainer.
File:Typhus the traveller by chameleonbot.jpg|The Herald of Nurgle, charged with organizing everything for the big guy's arrival at concerts, parties, etc.
File:Dranon8.jpg|It's so mushy that it causes disease. Literally.
Image:Plaguemarines.jpg
Image:Decent Nurgmonette.jpg
Image:Cultist-Nurgle.jpg
Image:I Don't Know What This Was About But I'll Upload It Anyway.jpg
</gallery>
</center>

{{Template:ChaosGods}}
[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Age of Sigmar]]

Khorne

2016-07-21T21:39:26Z

2001:1C03:1001:E300:6032:362B:2C94:6126:

[[File:Khorne mark.png|center]]
[[File:khorne_by_baklaher-d7335e6.jpg|500px|thumb|right|The Big K. Sitting comfortably on his Skull Throne, being pissed off at everyone and everything.]]<div style="font-size:1.10em;font-weight:bold;font-style:italic;font-family:serif;margin-top:1em;margin-bottom:1em"> BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE! MILK FOR THE KHORNE FLAKES! - The creed of Khorne being Overused to Death'''</div>

''"Anger is a killing thing: it kills the man who angers, for each rage leaves him less than he had been before - it takes something from him."''
-Louis L'Amour
{{heresy}}

==Introduction==
'''Khorne''', also known as Kharnath, Arkhar, Khorgar, [[Viking|Kjorn]], Khar, the Bloody Handed, the Axefather, the Bloodwolf, The Great Khorneholio, the Wolf-Father, Frowny Face McMurderaxe, The Parapeligac Sociopath, and 8875 other names, is the [[Chaos God]] of war, rage, wrath, battle, and [[Vance Motherfucking Stubbs|manliness]] . He is also the mofo that the Klingons worship. As well as this he symbolises courage, athleticism, determination, daring, impulsiveness, and struggling onward in the face of any odds.

He is commonly held to be the strongest Chaos God by default, and is associated with wolves and powerful hunting dogs, as well as lions and bulls. For another reason that is likely inspired by occultism, Khorne's sacred number is eight - and thus, his followers tend to organize themselves into groups of eights and its multiples. Fun fact, this also means that the names of Khornate daemons are usually comprised of eight syllables.
[[File:SkullThrone.jpg|400px|right|thumb|The Big K in all his glory contemplating on whose rectum he is going to shove his chainaxe into with extreme prejudice.]]
Khorne, by virtue of being the most powerful Chaos God, is also the most powerful general "divinity" in both iterations of Warhammer. In both versions of Warhammer, his followers are characterized by an overbearing need to spill blood and engage in honest battle, as well as a violent code of martial honour and a "survival of the fittest" approach to morality. They tend to be dutiful, as well, but said duties involve whacking their axes into their enemy and painting their blood all over villages gargling their blood as mouthwash (if only because Khorne's only real command is to spill worthy blood in his name).

This is where Khorne and Slaanesh generally clash as enemy gods. While Khorne instills discipline, honor and a sense of selfless duty towards his followers to obey a single purpose (I.E: Spill blood in his name), Slaanesh is the polar opposite. Slaanesh instead tells his/her followers to do whatever they want for their own selfish pursuits for pleasure, not caring the consequences of such acts. (I.E: Using your authority to hoard food from your starving citizens, so you could indulge in bottomless gluttony everyday.)

This is also why Khorne is at odds with Tzeentch: Tzeentch sees things like honor and discipline as unnecessary hamstrings towards one's advancement and opts that everything is on the table when one wishes to further their position (I.E.: Why duel your Chaos Lord for his position when you could arrange for an "accident" to happen to him instead? Sure its a low-blow, but if your lord was too stupid to not see that betrayal coming, was he really deserving your loyalty?). The same can be said for his disdain of sorcery. Tzeentch thinks that mortals using the power of the gods themselves is fair game in their pursuit of progress (so long as you can control it), while Khorne thinks that using anything else but your own strength alone means you are weak and his "survival of the fittest" ideal has no place for you.

Khorne also has the distinction of being the only Chaos God whose word you can take at face value. They don't realize that disdain for scheming and backstabbing isn't the same as being stupid. Nor do they realize that over-complicating things is actually the worst thing a planner can do. Any plan that relies on more than one variable to succeed (ie: the vast majority of Tzeentch plots) is almost always doomed to fail ([[Just as Planned|that said Tzeentchian plans have divination included into them, eliminating most tactical miscalculations]], [[Not as Planned|unless Tzeentch wanted it to happen.]]). So you actually want results? Be practical. Involve only as many steps as you need (IE: Beat someone up, until they're reduced to a bloody smear on the ground).

Basically, Khorne isn't a stupid brute, he's actually pretty smart. The god of battles knows a thing or two about tactics and warfare. That said, Khorne's doctrine is inflexible. One, straightforward approach to anything (I.E.: Break everything in half) means that it all rides on an "all-or-nothing" deal. If his battering ram approach doesn't work, there's little to be done to salvage the situation beyond everyone dying a glorious death (normally this isn't the case for most battles, but the Khornates' overwhelming need to quench their eternally erect murderboners gets in the way of reorganization). Of course, if the plan does go as planned, there are only a few things that can stop the daemonically-possessed brake-less rape train smothered with bloody lube.

===Appearance===
Khorne is described as resembling a giant, iron-hewed warrior clad in red armour, with a massive SWORD and a winged helm that conceals a snarling face like that of a wolf. This humanoid form could be seen as something darkly meaningful, were it not for the fact that more or less everyone in both settings is conveniently human-shaped.

Of course, most artists at GW forget that he's supposed to look a giant Chaos Warrior and instead make him look like an overgrown Bloodthirster on a chair.

===Khorne and His Worship===
Khorne is the easiest god ever to worship. Where [[Tzeentch|other]] [[Slaanesh|more]] [[Nurgle|pussified]] gods may demand you to memorize overly long prayers and hymns, or to build huge houses of worship and other such unmanly bullshit, Khorne is venerated with one thing and one thing only: the time-honoured tradition of hack'n'slash.

Khorne is worshipped on the battlefield. His hymns are the sound of steel on steel, his prayers are the blows of hammer and axe and the bellowing of 'Blood for the Blood God! Skulls for the Skull throne!" and his sacrament is blood spilled in his name.

In essence, you worship Khorne by being a good warrior. And as a warrior, you'll find your interests and his tend to generally align; he wants death but isn't picky on who, and you want to live to fight another day. Thus, the mere act of preserving your life will earn the pleasure of the god of battle.

However, Khorne is one of those honourable war-gods. So don't think that beating your enemies by anything other than sheer strength, skill and aggression will make him happy. And for the love of Sigmar/Empra, don't try to cheat by picking fights with the weak or helpless or by giving him baby skulls. Khorne expects a form of savage, viking-esque dignity from his followers and for them to be generally [[Fist of the North Star|manly]], this means you have to fight worthy opponents and those generally able to at least hold up a sword. After the worthwhile enemies are out of the way; gorge yourself on the blood of women and children all you want. Most of the writers forget this, thinking that Khorne really gives no fucks about what you kill, and it makes Khorne [[Rage|snarl in anger]]. Though he continues to send his flesh-hounds to hunt down those who flee and abandon their brothers on the battlefield, be they Chaos or non-Chaos.

Aside from that, Khorne has no commandments whatsoever. But deviating from the aforementioned in the slightest is begging for the flesh-hounds to tear your ass apart.

Such as it is, it would be incorrect to think Khorne doesn't have priests dedicated to him. Though, being a warrior god, these priests tend to be warriors themselves and are often marked by their god. In essence, the only difference between them and a Chaos marauder/Space Marine is several pounds of armour. In Warhammer Fantasy, these priests are called 'Bloodfathers', and in lieu of magic that is gifted to their priests by other gods, Khorne just gives [[AWESOME|HOLYSHITAWESOME]] fighting skills and visions of bloodshed.

Khorne is also venerated by working brass into your armour and weapons and donning fashionable high collars. Occasionally, a warrior so pleases Khorne that he gifts him with specially made ones that in addition to looking fabulous can also grant total fucking immunity to magic.

Anyway, Khorne is worshiped by warriors, generals and basically anyone who likes battle. His chosen Space Marines legion is of course the World Eaters, in Warhammer Fantasy, the Norscans tend to venerate him with the greatest piety, especially the Aesling tribe, who are Khorne's most devoted servants in Fantasy.

===Khorne's take on magic===
As posted by an Anon some time ago, he perfectly summed up what Khorne's opinion on magic is: FUCK WIZARDS!!!!

Okay, here's what the "FUCK WIZARDS" thing means.

Note that the hate of psykers/wizards/etc is pretty much the exact same and works by the same logic for both Khornates and the SoB/Black Templar/etc. Its a [[Conan the Barbarian|Conan-esque]] kind of swords and sorcery thing. Khornates hate wizards for [[3e|trivializing encounters with a single spell and overshadowing fighters]]. They hate turning what should be a military endeavor into a weird wizard show where people turn into frogs. They hate Slaaneshi for the same reason, they take what should be a wholesome murder fest and make it into something creepy and weird, what with them "discomporting themselves with the dead" and all that. In Realms of Chaos, its entirely possible for a librarian or wizard to go to Khorne. They just refrain from using their powers, and only use their psi/magic (in combat) to resist spells from that point onward.

They are okay with laser beams. They are okay with sniper rifles. They are okay with flaming swords. They are okay with running people over with tanks. They are okay with chemical gas. They are okay with exterminatus. They are okay with holocausts. They are okay with blitzkriegs. They are okay with honorable duels at dawn.

They are not okay with turning people to frogs, mind controlling people, raining glitterdust from the skies to blind everyone, raising armies of zombies to do the killing for you, and so forth. They are not okay with someone pointing their finger and you dropping dead. They are okay with rituals to summon demons. They are okay with navigating the warp without crashing into suns. They are okay with sending astropathic messages. They are okay with chaining wizards up and forcing them to eternally forge magic items on pain of death.

You may consider it hypocritical that Khornates are okay with blatantly unfair TECHNOLOGICAL murder, but not okay with blatantly unfair MIND/MAGICAL murder, but the point, or at least one interpretation, is that wizards/psykers fucking cheat. They do. They steal the power of the Warp for their own ends. As long as they stay in line, and do nothing but permit the warrior to enact his craft, fine, let them live, albeit in terror, enslaved by chains of brass until the day they are no longer useful, at which point their skulls can join Khorne's throne.

But stealing the Gods' own fire and using it to do what mortals should do through their own skill and strength is unacceptable. Remember that technology is completely valid to Khorne. Stealth is completely valid to Khorne. Skill is completely valid to Khorne. Cleverness is completely valid to Khorne. The nuclear bomb and other innovations that come after it could be seen to be unfair. But it is a mortal invention. Mortals should give honor to Khorne by murdering each other through the sweat of their brow.

The scientist who devises new ways to kill is a saint. His work can be put to any other use -- [[Slaanesh|enriching human life]], [[Nurgle|ending hunger, fighting diseases]], [[Tzeentch|answering great questions]]. But the scientist who devises new bombs and weapons is, in his own way, a champion of Khorne. He takes his limitless human potential and nobly limits himself to new ways to kill. Whether you kill with a sword or a bomb, you are killing using good old fashioned mortal strength and genius. You aren't stealing warp energy from the gods in the form of a fireball and cravenly calling it your own.

The forger of enchanted weapons, though deserving of slavery and abuse as all wizards are until the day they die, is an ideal symbol. It is fitting that spell energy be subjugated to and entombed within cold steel, just as wizards deserve to be subjugated to warriors until they lie cold and headless in the ground or else burnt to ash. The magic weapon is a symbol of might's superiority to magic.

The jury is still out on whether or not Khorne is okay with magically imbued people.

Blood for the Blood God! Skulls for the Skull Throne! When the Galaxy burns, we will define righteousness!

tl;dr Magic is unmanly, grab a sword and go kill like real men do already.

===Khorne and other Chaos gods===
As a rule, Khorne despises [[Slaanesh]] because s/he's an effeminate milk-sop who can't grow a beard or swing an axe like she's got a pair (even though she's probably got the biggest pair, but less on that), and also because s/he personifies acting outwardly (ie: seeking the deaths of others), while Slaanesh acts inwardly (ie: pleasuring him-/herself). Khorne also finds Slaanesh's obsession with luxury and torture wasteful and dishonorable. Slaanesh is about living it up while Khorne is about tearing it the fuck down.

Khorne also hates [[Tzeentch]], though they are not fundamental rivals, because his reliance on magic is seen as a sign of weakness and his desire not to face his foes in person is decried by Khorne as cowardly. Khorne sees his penchant for deceit and trickery as dishonorable. Also Khorne prefers muscles over books.

Khorne thinks he hates [[Nurgle]] also, because the fat fuck doesn't even try to get shit done. Thus, his embodiment as sloth runs contrary to the active, vital aspect of Khorne, but he's all for death if its by homicide or genocide.

Of all the Chaos gods, Khorne actually hates [[Malal]] the least. For one thing, he respects the lost god for sticking to his guns: he hates the other gods, wants them dead and is actively working towards that goal. Since Nurgle just sits there being a scabby procrastinator, Tzeentch just has to have his fingers in everyone's business and Slaanesh is fucking Slaanesh (no literally, s/he is fucking him/herself right now, go look if you don't believe me), this is something Khorne can sympathize with. Also, Malal is the only chaos god to put up a halfway decent fight when Khorne manages to find him, which would mean that they would be best buds if Malal wasn't a self destructive, omnicidal lunatic.

In short he hates everyone and pissed at everyone, including you even if you worship him(usually its a matter how pissed it is at you). And they hate him too. Except Nurgle, who's too nice to hate anyone.
Except Tzeentch. The know-it-all, indecisive, over-thinking, birdy bastard...

===Khorne and non-Chaotic Gods===
Well, [[Ulric]] is his little brother and they tend to get along rather well. Ulric's still ridiculing Khorne over the fact that one of his greatest champions, Haargroth, got his head smashed in by Ulric's Ar-Ulric, Khorne usually replies by pointing out that ''Storm of Chaos'' isn't canon anymore. Not that that stops Ulric. Khorne and Ulric often get into arguments over which one of them is moar Viking; with Khorne usually winning by pointing out that his top worshipers actually are Vikings and that he has a Valkyrie. They also settle this with arm wrestling and drinking contests. There's a lot of belligerence, but you can sense the brotherly love underneath. Indeed, it's kind of a [[Fist of the North Star|Raoh/Ken relationship]].

Despite both being war-gods, Khorne has a poor relationship with [[Myrmidia]]. Khorne, despite being a master of tactics and sieges and the finer points of warfare, vastly prefers a manly head-on charge, and Myrmidia's sissy "planning" approach to warfare therefore offends Khorne. Most meetings between the Blood God and the Maiden of Strategy end with the Blood God fuming impotently because his strict code of martial honour does not permit him to hit girls (or pull their hair) and retreating to his tree house.

Khorne is the only Chaos God who tolerates Sigmar because he thinks he's pretty bad-ass AND respects the idea of a mortal man becoming a god. That and Sigmar's comic book series, Sigmar the Emprahrian, has great splashpages of fights and no SWORDSWORDSWORDS. However, this tolerance is only one-sided, and while Khorne respects him, it doesn't mean he won't try to put an axe in his head for being an sworn enemy of Chaos.

When asked about the [[Emperor]], Khorne usually responds with a streaming torrent of bloody curses and oaths which causes a bloody froth to start leaking from his helmet. In short, he is remarkably indifferent to the old man.

Khorne is utterly sick and tired of anyone who dares associate him with [[Khaine|40Khaine]]. Before eviscerating anyone who makes that connection, he will often explain on how Khaine is an honourless god of murder and sadism while he himself is a god of honourable and forthright battle and courage, and how sadism is contrary to his code (Khorne indeed used to be about honorable combat, but now he's just about mindless violence and hating everyone for either piss-poor reasons or for no reason at all. Goddammit, GW). Khorne then reiterates that Khaine's elfishness and love for scantily clad women is sickening and makes him more like Slaanesh... Of course, this is just a front on Khorne's part. Khaine's love of war combined with his elfness and that his most ardent worshippers are scantily-clad women proves Khaine to be the secret love-child of Khorne and Slaanesh (tsundere confir- *sounds of violent, painful evisceration* '''{{Blam|WHO DARES? IN MY OWN PAGE, OF ALL THINGS? FUCK YOUUUUUUUU}}''' [[Slaanesh|Search your feelings you know it to be true]].

That being said, Khaine does have a dual nature in Fantasy thanks to being worshiped by [[Dark Elves]] and paid respect to by [[High Elves]], where one side is indeed honorable and just wants to keep fighting and being badass which means Khorne can tolerate him approximately half the time. The fact that both are patrons of [[Blood Bowl]] teams is usually the common ground, with Khaine and Khorne crashing/trashing some other God's house to watch on game nights while downing can after can of Bloodweisers and shoveling Dwarf Rinds in their faces. Khaine periodically tries to invade the realm of Khorne whenever the Khornate team beats the Dark Elf team, with such meetings ending with Khorne individually breaking every bone in his body and spitting on the pain-wracked heap. When Khaine's team beats Khorne's, Khorne takes out his aggression by beating the fuck out of Slaanesh while Dark Elves go on safari hunting [[Warriors of Chaos|Khorne's worshipers]].

Khorne has absolutely no patience for the [[Horned Rat]], who is a favorite of Nurgle and Tzeentch respectively. It's a weak vermin whose very existence pisses him off. As a result, Khorne is much more fond of [[Sotek]] who encourages killing the fuck out of [[Skaven]] whenever they appear, and is also a fan of blood sacrifice (the fact that Sotek wants hearts and cares nothing for skulls is reassuring since they don't intrude on each other's fetish); this fondness is entirely one-sided.

Like the other Chaos Gods, Khorne has no fucking clue what the Great Maw is. However, it doesn't seem to complain when [[Ogre Kingdoms|Ogres]] worship Khorne, so he's got nothing against him...her...it...schclim...whatever, the big god-thing that wants to eat.

The pantheon of the [[Tomb Kings]] mostly stick to themselves, so Khorne only knows they exist..

Khorne is impressed with the [[Bretonnia|Bretonnian]] race by the fact they're the epitome of honor and glorious valor. On the other hand, their entire race has been tricked by a single fucking Elf Goddess into doing their every command which fills Khorne with incomprehensible fury. As it stands, the first being that's going to get the axe when Khorne manages to get an avatar to manifest in the material plane is Lileath.

[[Mork]] and [[Gork]]/Gork and Mork are Khorne's old drinking buddies. They piss him off more than any other beings in existence, but after a good 3-way beatdown and a few billion cases of squig beer he realizes they're alright company.

Khorne has a feeling that he'd get along with the gods of the [[Dwarfs]], but even their introductions (being long ass winded descriptions of their primary worshipers and their lineages) irritate him so much he can't even get into a conversation with them. One of them is STILL giving his own introduction, and has been for about 20,000 years or so now (and he hasn't even reached the changes that have happened since he started). Unable to make him aware of what's going on around him, Khorne simply moved him into the guest room and bricked it off with a wall of skulls.

==His portrayal in Warhammer Fantasy==
He's a half-way mythologically accurate version of [[Viking|Odin]], whose very name means Fury (and one translation means 'frenzy'). You could also make the case that Khorne is Thor minus any protective instincts towards humanity, as both are whirling vortices of blood and spit who are associated with the colour red and its connotation of anger.

No, that's it. Get the fuck out; he's an axe-crazy, psychopathic, evil-as-balls daemonic version of Odin - so basically the Norse god of wisdom, with wisdom actually treated the way Vikings would have recognised. Currently there's a bit of a debate about how much of Odin he represents (see discussion page) so this bit will list the similarities and some of the differences.

Well, for one thing, Chaos worshipers in Warhammer Fantasy actually are Vikings. Read about them [[Warriors of Chaos|here]]. Secondly, Khorne is closely associated with wolves in that setting (one of Odin's names literally translates to 'Battle Wolf'), and even has a wolf-like pet in Karanak, thus, fulfilling a role similar to Freki and Geri, or more closely, Garmr. Also, it's revealed in Knight of the Realm that Khorne owns two hunting wolves/giant fleshounds called Garmr and Gormr, with whom he partakes in a wild hunt across the heavens.

Another point of similarity is that both Odin and Khorne are war gods explicitly connected with berserker rage. They have their own warrior-cults associated with them who fight with said rage and Odin's Olfhednar are practically the same as Khorne's Chosen in both form and function.

Additionally, thanks to Valkia, Khorne also has a Valkyrie to further the similarity between him and Odin. This was inevitable, of course, given that the Warriors of Chaos are indeed an evil version of the Vikings as has already been stated. It should also be noted that Valkia's similarity to the Valkyries is not a superficial one. She is actually referred to as 'the Sword-Maiden of the Blood God' in the WoC codex, and is Khorne's Chooser of the Slain who carries those worthy champions and warriors of his to fight on in the Blood God's halls after death.

Finally, we got a glimpse of his neck of the Realm of Chaos in the Valkia novel written by Sarah Cock-well. It was basically Chaos Valhalla, and here's some of his quotes:

"A cleaved head no longer plots." "A head stuck on a pike no longer conspires." "Put to the sword they who disagree."

Now for the differences, aside from the obvious physical ones Odin also scries, it's woman's magic taught to him by Frigg and Freya. He's got the rage, yeah, but he's also all about fate and averting ragnarok (directly opposed to Khorne's goals). We see this in the Havamal, Grimnismal, the Voluspa, and the Lokasenna. Hell, in Lokasenna, we learn he cross dresses, ie was tied into shamanic practices (Indo-Europeans have a thing for seers in drag). He can also get to Tzeentch levels with his planning and Odin's perfectly fine with Runic magic, whereas Khorne hates that shit.

==Champions Of Khorne==
===In 40K===
Because most fa/tg/uys are idiots and newfags who likely don't know that another Warhammer existed long before bolters and power armour. And this makes the Blood God snarl in anger.

* [[Kharn the Betrayer]]: Embodiment of Crazy Awesome and Patron Saint of fun guys everywhere. Kharn is Khorne's greatest mortal champion in 40K and has a wholly deserved reputation as a team-killing nuts:o. Once upon a time, Kharn was a straight-laced, meticulous Assault Captain of the World Eaters 8th company. But [[Horus Heresy|after a certain chain of events]] dedicated himself wholly to Khorne, thus becoming one of the most fucking lethal warriors in the galaxy as well as probably the most religiously devoted of Khorne's servants. Also notable for shattering two entire Space Marine legions by himself with a flamethrower in a single night. Despite this, since his first appearance (where he was no different from other Berzerkers) he became more and more coolheaded when not in combat (and even then there are moments when he is coolheaded in combat).

* [[Angron]]: '''HE! GETS! SHIT! DONE!!!''''. Khorne's foremost Daemon Prince alongside Doombreed. PERIOD.

* [[Doombreed]]: Khorne's greatest Daemon Prince ever and possibly either Genghis Khan or Turgeis the Devil IRL. Notable for launching an actually successful Dark Crusade that wiped out two Space Marine chapters. Which is more than a [[Abaddon|certain armless failure has pulled off]].

* [[Svane Vulfbad]]: EVEN IN 40K KHORNE'S CHOSEN ARE VIKINGS. Svane Vulfbad is motherfucking badass [[Awesome|Chaos Terminator Space Wolf Chaos Lord]] who grew tired of the Imperium's sickening effeminate inability to GET SHIT DONE and the Space Wolves' sickening fur-fetishes and instead decided to dedicated himself to a god worthy of his kickassery. He thus became a badass Chaos Lord dedicated to Khorne (because a berserker god of war who likes axes meshes well with Vikings) and slaughtered a shitton of Space Wolves despite being outnumbered and escaped Harald Deathwolf. He is currently rampaging throughout the Imperium. He has the best facial hair in all of 40k.

* [[Crull]]: A Chaos Lord from Winter Assault notable only for making idiotic statements, and utilizing Sorcerers in his warband when there's some possessing to be done. Also has a weird way of saying "drown".

* [[Azariah Kyras]]: A Librarian who somehow became a Champion of Khorne and who ascended to daemonhood. Presumably, his [[Awesome|speaking skills were great enough that the Blood God was able to give him slight leeway in regards to the 'no Psyker rule']], likely because he was a philosopher of carrion and slaughter, showing Khorne's way as freedom, freedom in meaningless, in mindlessness, which he accuses the functionings of the universe of. Khorne loves that stuff, existentialism for skulls, especially when it's an arch-traitor responsible for the deaths of billions, then declaring openly his allegience of Chaos to his fellow Mehreens as he is about to ascend as one of the most powerful daemon princes ever. A psyker who uses psykic powers to bring about good old kinetic Exterminatus, their reputation to raise covert cults of slaughter, discover their lust for combat and seek to encompass it, and ultimatedly be the poster child of Khornist Existentialism is to good of a chance for Khorne to pass up, who either wins against the galaxy or gets to devour Kyras' soul in a good long bloodbashing and probably still make a good Greater Daemon of Khorne out of him, probably the one and only Chaos tactical genius who could actually lead a Black Crusade properly. That's another reason Khorne likes him. Kyras' no funny business style of simply tearing a sector apart however possible tends to draw other Chaos God devotees under the wing of a Khornate champion. Here is the speech of doom that he gives the player's army (before the last level of the game ) or per canon, the Blood Ravens following Captain Diomedes before the climax:

"Faithful... enlightened... ambitious... brethren.

In but a single decade, a few mere swipes of the pendulum, we have gathered a sacrifice to Khorne that will be made legend.Though it was a simpler, weaker voice that illuminated me during my centuries upon the Judgement of Carrion... it was Khorne's messenger that showed me the true path of freedom from our pathetic corpse-Emperor.

And what is this path? This meaning, this purpose to which we gather the skulls of our foes? It is nothing. There is no meaning, no purpose. We murder. We kill. It is mindless savagery, this UNIVERSE IS MINDLESS!

In mere hours, billions will die. Innocent! Guilty! Strong and weak! Honest and deceitful! ALL of them! They will scream, they will burn, and for no purpose but that mighty Khorne may revel in their bloodshed! And united in this void of purpose, fear, or duty... we shall at long last be free!

BLOOD! FOR THE BLOOD GOD!!! SKULLS! FOR THE SKULL THRONE!!! LET... THE GALAXY... BUUUURRRRNNN!!!"

Also notable as the single longest-to-fucking-kill-boss in the history of the Dawn of War series other than [[Ulkair]]. '''FUCK'''. Still, pure undiluted awesome.

===In Fantasy===
'''VIKINGS!!!''' '''VIIIIIIIIIIIIKIIIIIIIIIIIIINNGSSSSSSSS!!!'''

* [[Valkia the Bloody]]: A pissed off badass Valkyrie who chooses who will fight on in the Halls of the Blood God after they die in glorious battle. She managed to kill a motherfucking DAEMON PRINCE as a lowly, un-Marked, un-augmented human in SINGLE COMBAT to earn Khorne's favour, CUT ITS FUCKING HEAD OFF, AND THEN CARRIED IT BACK TO THE NORTH TO PLACE AT THE FOOT OF THE SKULL THRONE. And then she died on the way. But Khorne was so impressed by this badassery/ pissed off by her death, he resurrected her as a fucking Daemon Princess. Now she flies around the battlefields of the world slaughtering anything that looks at her funny and bearing Norsemen to the Khorne's place for a glorious afterlife of fighting and drinking. She is also far more attractive than anything of Slaanesh's menagerie, much to the Prince of Pleasure's eternal rage and the Bloodfather's great amusement, primarily due to having hair.

* Garmr Hrodvitnir: A Chaos Lord of Khorne who managed to almost kill Gotrek Fucking Gurnisson in a fight. 'Nuff said.

* Hrothgar Daemonaxe: A Chaos Lord who only had his rules and miniatures released at a Games Day. He had the statline of a Bloodthirster. His miniature also depicts him throttling an elf, which makes him a good person.

* Arbaal the Undefeated: Nicknamed 'Arbaal the Easily Defeatable' due to his rules from Champions of Chaos having been shockingly awful. Arbaal's been effectively retcon'd out of existence under the excuse that he's journeyed into the Realm of Chaos to challenge Khorne himself to a fight. Good luck with that.

* Scyla Anfingrimm: The greatest You-Know-What ever to walk the earth. Scyla was a Chaos Lord of Khorne who got one too many mutations before his time and devolved into a YKW. But he's the most badass YKW ever, and is a leadership 10 general. Which is impressive considering the only thing he can say is "'''KILL FOR KHORNE! KILL FOR KHORNE! KILL FOR KHORNE!'''".

* Valmir Aesling: A Norscan king and Champion of Khorne who destroyed the Norse Dwarf Hold of Kraka Drak. Managed to get a fucking Daemon Prince to work for him, slaughtered a metric fuck-ton of Norse Dwarfs (roughly 8 times the manliness of a regular Dwarf and thus worth 24 Space Wolves). [[Awesome|Also rode a motherfucking chariot pulled by skinless bears]].

* Egil Styrbjorn: A Norscan High Yarl of the Skaeligs and probably the greatest epitome of manliness a Chaos Warrior devoted to Khorne can achieve. He slew a lot and took names, kicked Bretonnian arses, sexed many women yet never got a proper heir (only daughters). It was so bad for him that he adopted a boy that became later his personal shamanistic seer and advisor...that is until he banged a Kurgan Sorceress that was prophesied by said shaman to bear Egil's son, yet the damned cheese eating surrender monkeys took her and his unborn son away, which he answered them with apocalyptic RAAAAAGE and titanic slaughter (added that said Sorceress wanted to sacrifice the unborn child for immortality actually made this a good situation). And thus there was an epic campaign to retrieve the boy. Wields two badass flaming axes called Garmr and Gormr. Really dislikes the Lady of the Lake and other Southerner gods. So manly he is that he let a Grail Knight stab him only to throw back his sword to him. Also known for embodying Khorne's tactical take on war, which he mercilessly used against the Bretonnian Knights that stubbornly charged his warriors head on (until said knights realized that they were duped and slaughtered in seconds).

==Fun Khorne Facts==
*A possible factor in Khorne's birth was the Aztecs, who basically worshiped the guy (Hint: BLOOD SACRIFICE) and might have chucked him into existence along with the mongols.
*Doombreed, Khorne's second daemon prince servant, might actually be Genghis Khan himself.
*Khorne's color scheme (red, brass and black) is almost the same as the German flag's colour scheme (just replace brass with gold [and brass and gold are already fairly similar in colour]). Mein Führer? I zink zis is not a coinzidinz.

==Gallery==
{{promotions}}
<gallery>
Image:Khornate.JPG|Khorne's followers off the battlefield. REVERSE ARMWRESTLE!!!
Image:khornewaffel.JPG|Waffles for the Blood God!
Image:Khornetrainer.JPG|Khorne's trainers prefer violent Pokémon.
Image:khorneberserker.png|Would have been a somewhat adequate picture, had they taken the right photographs of the actual Berzerkers. Lulz.
Image:Khorne_tattoo.jpg|Mark of Khorne.
Image:Free like a riding demon by Ragathol.jpg|Khornette.
Image:Backwardsthrone.jpg|Just as Planned. Always. As. Planned.
File:Khornette.jpg|Khorne wants to know why the drawfags never give them noses.
File:Tea Time.jpg|In the grim darkness of the far future, there is still time for tea...
File:Khorne-Art.jpg|Warriors of Chaos: making everything in 40K look like bitches since 2002.
Image:You're_madder_than_Khorne.png|There '''is''' such a thing as being too mad for Khorne!
Image:Khorneholiover2.png |The Great Khorneholio. He needs blood and skulls for his bunghole.
Image:Khorne-and-Slaanesh.jpg|Nine months later Khaine was born...
Image:Anon_pleases_Khorne.png|Anon begins his trail to becoming a Khorne Berserker.
Image:Khorne Flakes.jpg|The tastiest of all! Add blood for more flavor.
</gallery>

==See also==

*[[Brass]]
*[[Berserker]] - Chaos Space Marines with Axes and a bad attitude.
*[[Angron]] - Daemon prince of Khorne and the Primarch of World Eaters.
*[[World Eaters]]
*[[Khârn|Khârn the Betrayer]] - A pretty fun guy to be around.
*[[Valkia_the_Bloody]] - Scarousal in it's purest form.
*[[Warhammer_40,000/Tactics/Khorne_Daemonkin(7E)|Tactics/Khorne Daemonkin]] - That's right, meatsacks! The servants of Khorne have their own codex!
*[[Rage]]
*[[Sorcerers of Khorne]] - Double heresy!
*[[Doombreed]] - One angry son of a bitch.
* This pretty much sums up his forces: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-gSJW3sHXE&feature=channel_video_title
*[[Katanas_are_Underpowered_in_d20#Khorne_is_underpowered_in_40k|Khorne is underpowered in 40k]]
* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vljHBXA3UKE - death metal song devoted to Khorne.
* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8mEOiI4pjs - trash metal song summing up Khorne pretty well.
* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUB9QGKCNmI - a bunch of anime Khorne worshippers. Better than it sounds.
* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8mEOiI4pjs - another metal song devoted to Khorne. This one is official.

{{Template:ChaosGods}}
[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Age of Sigmar]]