2d4chan - User contributions [en]

Category:Awesome

2022-04-23T21:48:15Z

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Things that are [[Awesome]].

Category:Awesome

2022-04-23T21:48:10Z

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Things that are [[Awesome]].
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Category:Needs Images

2022-04-23T21:47:56Z

2001:67C:2628:647:12:0:0:234: Undo revision 822462 by 2001:67C:2628:647:12:0:0:234 (talk)

This stuff needs images, fucking add them! Please. [[Category:Under Development]]

Category:Needs Images

2022-04-23T21:47:49Z

2001:67C:2628:647:12:0:0:234:

This stuff needs images, fucking add them! Please. [[Category:Under Development]]
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Category:Monstergirls

2022-04-23T21:46:28Z

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Some guys get their sexual awakening reading the underwear section of the Sears catalog.

Some guys are lucky enough to bloom reading the Victoria's Secret brochures.

And some guys get their first boner paging through the [[Monster Manual]]. Don't judge. Actually, judge away, this perverse shit is barely any different from [[furry|furries]], and you know how /tg/ feels about those degens.

[[Category:Heresy]]

[[Category:Monsters]]

[[Category:NSFW]]

Category:Monstergirls

2022-04-23T21:46:22Z

2001:67C:2628:647:12:0:0:234:

null edit to update

Some guys get their sexual awakening reading the underwear section of the Sears catalog.

Some guys are lucky enough to bloom reading the Victoria's Secret brochures.

And some guys get their first boner paging through the [[Monster Manual]]. Don't judge. Actually, judge away, this perverse shit is barely any different from [[furry|furries]], and you know how /tg/ feels about those degens.

[[Category:Heresy]]

[[Category:Monsters]]

[[Category:NSFW]]

Category:Semi-relevant

2022-04-23T21:46:08Z

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For things that aren't quite irrelevant to /tg/, but also not quite fully in /tg/'s wheelhouse.

Category:Semi-relevant

2022-04-23T21:46:03Z

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For things that aren't quite irrelevant to /tg/, but also not quite fully in /tg/'s wheelhouse.

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Category:Matt Ward

2022-04-23T21:45:50Z

2001:67C:2628:647:12:0:0:234: Undo revision 822456 by 2001:67C:2628:647:12:0:0:234 (talk)

{{MattWard}}

[[Category:Games Workshop]][[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Writers]]

Category:Matt Ward

2022-04-23T21:45:45Z

2001:67C:2628:647:12:0:0:234:

{{MattWard}}

[[Category:Games Workshop]][[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Writers]]

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Category:RAGE

2022-04-23T21:45:29Z

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THINGS THAT MAKE US RAGE
[[Category:Categories]]

Category:RAGE

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THINGS THAT MAKE US RAGE
[[Category:Categories]]

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Category:Heresy

2022-04-23T21:45:02Z

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''aberrancy, aberration, agnosticism,
''ambiguity, ambivalence, antinomianism, antinomy, apostasy,
''asymmetry, atheism, beatnikism, betrayal, blasphemy, bullshit, defamation, defection, defectiveness,
''defiance, delusion, denial, desecration, deviancy, disagreement, disbelief, discredit, disobedience, disproportion,
''disproportionateness, dissent, dissidence, distortion, emanatism,
''equivocality, errancy, erroneousness, error, fallaciousness,
''fallacy, false doctrine, falseness, falsity, fault, faultiness,
''felony, flaw, flawedness, freedom of speech, freethought, freethinkingness, fringiness,
''hamartia, heterodoxy, heterogeneity, hippiedom, hylotheism, iconoclasm, illusion,
''impiety, inability to believe, incoherence, incommensurability, incompatibility, incongruity,
''inconsistency, inconsonance, incredulity, individualism, infidelity,
''irreconcilability, libel, libertarianism, lies, lying, minimifidianism, misapplication, misbelief,
''misconception, misconstruction, misdoing, misfeasance, misinterpretation,
''misjudgment, nonbelief, nonconformability, nonconformism,
''nonconformity, nullifidianism, offence, offensiveness, originality, oxymoron, pantheism,
''paradox, peccancy, perversion, rebellion, rebelliousness, rejection,
''revisionism, sacrilege, schism, sedition, self-contradiction, sin, sinfulness, slander, thoughtcrime,
''treachery, treason, unbelief, unbelievingness, unconformability, unconformity,
''unconventionality, unorthodoxy, untrueness, untruth, untruthfulness, wrong, wrongness'', {{BLAM}}, {{BLAM}}, {{BLAM}}, {{BLAM|'''and *BLAM*'''}}

{{BLAM|+Reading these articles will flag your account for an audit by the [[Inquisition]]+}}

[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]]
[[Category:Heresy]]
[[Category:Categories]]

Category:Heresy

2022-04-23T21:44:53Z

2001:67C:2628:647:12:0:0:234:

null edit to update

''aberrancy, aberration, agnosticism,
''ambiguity, ambivalence, antinomianism, antinomy, apostasy,
''asymmetry, atheism, beatnikism, betrayal, blasphemy, bullshit, defamation, defection, defectiveness,
''defiance, delusion, denial, desecration, deviancy, disagreement, disbelief, discredit, disobedience, disproportion,
''disproportionateness, dissent, dissidence, distortion, emanatism,
''equivocality, errancy, erroneousness, error, fallaciousness,
''fallacy, false doctrine, falseness, falsity, fault, faultiness,
''felony, flaw, flawedness, freedom of speech, freethought, freethinkingness, fringiness,
''hamartia, heterodoxy, heterogeneity, hippiedom, hylotheism, iconoclasm, illusion,
''impiety, inability to believe, incoherence, incommensurability, incompatibility, incongruity,
''inconsistency, inconsonance, incredulity, individualism, infidelity,
''irreconcilability, libel, libertarianism, lies, lying, minimifidianism, misapplication, misbelief,
''misconception, misconstruction, misdoing, misfeasance, misinterpretation,
''misjudgment, nonbelief, nonconformability, nonconformism,
''nonconformity, nullifidianism, offence, offensiveness, originality, oxymoron, pantheism,
''paradox, peccancy, perversion, rebellion, rebelliousness, rejection,
''revisionism, sacrilege, schism, sedition, self-contradiction, sin, sinfulness, slander, thoughtcrime,
''treachery, treason, unbelief, unbelievingness, unconformability, unconformity,
''unconventionality, unorthodoxy, untrueness, untruth, untruthfulness, wrong, wrongness'', {{BLAM}}, {{BLAM}}, {{BLAM}}, {{BLAM|'''and *BLAM*'''}}

{{BLAM|+Reading these articles will flag your account for an audit by the [[Inquisition]]+}}

[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]]
[[Category:Heresy]]
[[Category:Categories]]

Category:FAIL

2022-04-23T21:44:33Z

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This Category is dedicated to things that [[FAIL|fail]] badly enough to warrant their own category.

Category:FAIL

2022-04-23T21:44:27Z

2001:67C:2628:647:12:0:0:234:

This Category is dedicated to things that [[FAIL|fail]] badly enough to warrant their own category.

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Category:Merge

2022-04-23T21:44:11Z

2001:67C:2628:647:12:0:0:234: Undo revision 822448 by 2001:67C:2628:647:12:0:0:234 (talk)

Article that overlaps, need to be merged.

[[1d4chan|RECURSION.]]

Category:Merge

2022-04-23T21:44:04Z

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Article that overlaps, need to be merged.

[[1d4chan|RECURSION.]]

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Category:Deletion

2022-04-23T21:42:02Z

2001:67C:2628:647:12:0:0:234: Undo revision 822446 by 2001:67C:2628:647:12:0:0:234 (talk)

Things that I may or may not need to delete. Comment on their talk pages. --[[User:Root|Root]] ([[User talk:Root|talk]]) 21:59, 30 September 2020 (UTC)

[[Category:Under Development]]
[[Category:Categories]]

Category:Deletion

2022-04-23T21:41:54Z

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Category:Edit war

2022-04-23T21:34:53Z

2001:67C:2628:647:12:0:0:234: No longer needs cleanup

There are people currently fighting over these articles by undoing each other's changes. Please do not do this and please take your arguments to the talk pages. Remove [[Template:editwar]] from the page if the issue is resolved.

Araby

2022-04-23T19:08:54Z

2001:67C:2628:647:12:0:0:234: Removing edit war tag, as it seems to be over.

{{Whfb-stub}}
[[File:Araby Map.jpg|right|300px]]
'''Araby''' was an area in the [[Warhammer Fantasy Battle|Warhammer World]] based roughly on the medieval Middle East, or at least how the average brit imagines it. The Arabyans had scimitars and jezzail muskets and used them to fight back those [[Tomb Kings|Tomb King]] guys when they came about uninvited stirring shit up. Much like [[Kislev]], they had an army all the way back in [[Warmaster]], which included flying carpets and magicians who could summon [[Genie|djinni]]. Oh and they had [[Awesome|Elephant Cavalry]]. Despite having a lot of potential when it came to introducing a new and unique faction with a slightly different tone to the usual semi-european setting, GeeDubs did, their favourite past time; nothing.

In [[Total War: Warhammer II]], [[RAGE|no Arabyan faction or subfaction showed up]], leaving the empty lands of Araby to be contested between Bretonnians to the west, Dwarfs to the west and southeast, and Tomb Kings to the east. The only possible Arabyan character in the game is Khaled Al-Muntasir, who rules the Lahmian Sisterhood in the Dark Lands. He was an Arabyan Vampire in lore, and even then he is represented by a typical Vampire lord.

== History ==
=== Early history ===
Two thousand years before the reign of Sigmar, Mullah Aklan'd of the island of Fyrus led a war against the High Elves, who raided his people's ports and cities. He became the founder of Araby as a nation, being its first Great Sultan. Then, Araby had to deal with later assaults by Nehekhara, [[Arkhan the Black]], and the Skaven.

Centuries later, Ibn Jellaba went south to explore the Lizardmen of Zlatan, and returned as a very wealthy man after establishing the first trade agreement with humans and Lizardmen.

Araby was later doomed to Chaos corruption, no thanks to a cultist of Tzeentch, Mahik al'Rak, who influenced Arabyan sorcerers to inadvertantly serve Tzeentch after being possessed by a Lord of Change.

=== Sultan Jaffar ===
Araby’s most prominent appearance is little lore than a sidestory in [[Bretonnia]]n history, serving as the impetus of their great crusade. Long story short, the evil sorcerer Jaffar unified Araby as one of its Great Sultans, with his pacts with the Djinn devolving into service to Kairos Fateweaver. He got tricked by the [[Skaven]] into believing that Estalia was going to invade, and he launched a “pre-emptive” attack, crushing and enslaving Estalia as its virtually powerless to stop the invaders. Bretonnia, meanwhile, is deeply concerned by the horrific injustice happening right next door, and proceeds to beat the shit out of Araby all the way back to the desert until the Vizier is killed and the once-proud nation is a shadow of its former self. Those who left home brought with them booty, others decided to vassalize some of the remaining city-states. And Araby has been the punching bag of both Bretonnia and the Tomb Kings ever since.

Essentially an easy way for Bretonnia fans to enjoy their Deus Vult without having to worry about arguably being the baddies. If this was a good idea is debatable, though it would have made a pretty cool starter set for a new edition, introducing Araby in the process. Alas it would not come to pass, for such a deed would have required a bit of imagination, never one of GeeDubs strong suits.

This very original, never before seen storyline may or may not be because GeeDubs, being Brits, are still salty at having lost the crusades. Particularly the eighth and ninth, where an English king actually participated.

=== So much lost potential ===

Araby also used to be part of the Nehekharan Empire and managed to largely avoid the Necromantic corruption that overtook the rest of the Empire, having been able to have staved off Nagash and Arkhan for nearly a 1000 years. This would arguably make them the only true successors of Nehekharan civilisation as a result. A more intelligent writer than those at GW would perhaps explore this avenue, perhaps depicting Arabyans reconquering some of the old Nehekharan cities from the Tomb Kings or dealing amicably with the more rationally minded undead, or perhaps clashing with Settra the Imperishable over who is the true inheritor of the greatness of the oldest human civilisation on the planet, but no, this apparently was too much to ask for.

=== Future ===
The northern coast of Araby was invaded by Luthor Harkon and his Vampire Coast pirates.

Araby, like Estalia, Tilea, and the other nations to the north, was ruined by the massive Skaven invasions during the End Times.

== Geography and Politics ==
Unsurprisingly, Araby is mostly a vast desert with almost no life in the interior. Most of the cities are situated in the north where rivers from the Atalan Mountains provides fertile soil and the seashores allows the Arabyans dominate trade with other countries, while desert inland territories are inhabited by nomads. Araby only borders [[Nehekhara]] to the east and [[Southlands]] to the south (duh).

The country is nominally ruled by Great Sultan from the city Al-Haikk, but he really only controls the capital (so, like in real life, or the Empire [[Elector Count|further in the north]]), with other Sheikhs, Emirs and Princes being pretty independent. Same goes for nomadic tribes. Here is the list of notable cities:

* '''Al-Haikk''' - as it was said earlier, the nominal capital of Araby, where Great Sultan resides.
* '''Copher''' - the most independent city, known for its wizards and pirates that are pain in the ass for the Old Worlders.
* '''Djambiya''' - only notable for being the closest one to the realm of undead Egyptians.
* '''Sorcerer's Islands''' - not a city, but an archipelago that resembles Azores, which is situated to the west of Araby. Here be College of Sorcerers.
* '''Lashiek''' - Arabyan fleet is located here.
* '''Sanaá''' - is only interesting as a birthplace of Abdul Alhazred aka [[Games Workshop|GW's]] most shameless [[Lovecraft]] rip-off.
* '''Teshert''' - Arabyan colony in [[Badlands]] that guards the only passable road between the Sultanate and [[Border Princes]].
* '''Bel-Aliad''' - previous capital that was completely destroyed by [[Arkhan the Black]] more than three thousand years ago.

== Religion==
Arabyan religion has generally been left vague. Nothing at all to do with contemporary Islamic Extremism, since their beliefs and culture were vaguely described in the 90s when they were first introduced. It should be noted that Araby's inclusion in Bretonnian lore at that point was more due to a desire to satirise the then ongoing First Gulf War, meaning that they were intended as a parody of Saddam Hussein's secular Iraqi government, which at the time was attempting to invade Kuwait, rather than a typical West-vs-Islam screed (yes, this would essentially make Bretonnia George H.W. Bush's America). This has not stopped fans from theorising that they are a society of strict monotheists, however, based off of a line from the Old World Bestiary.

Given the fact that they are descended from the Nehekharans, it's probably more logical to assume that they worship those gods.

Another belief in Araby is a sect formed by Mullah Aklan'd, who claimed to venerate deities older than the Nehekharan gods. He led an army of Arabyans against the High Elves, being his people's first Great Sultan. Among his followers were the "Death Commandos", who guard the Great Sacred Books of Mullah Aklan'd, which describe his accounts about Araby's history, society, government, and warfare, and the secrets of St'oec.

=== Djinn-worship and the risk of Chaos ===
Nathan Long implies in ''The Two Crowns of Ras Karim'' that Arabyans worship Djinns as their gods, by going to temples to leave offerings to them at sunset. In the lore, Djinns are described as some sort of [[Daemons of Chaos|Chaos Daemons]] ... which would make Araby a Chaos-aligned nation, in spite of the prohibition of ''direct'' worship of the Chaos Gods.

Even worse was that all this Chaos corruption was stuck by Mahik al'Rak, an insane sorcerer who built the Portal of Twilight in the ruins of Bel Aliad. His influence of other Arabyan sorcerers into the service of Tzeentch made sure that the land will never be free from Chaos corruption.

One tragic result of Arabyan obsession of Djinn was Jaffar, a sorcerer who united Araby as its Sultan to wage war on the Old World, up to the point that he even made a pact with [[Kairos Fateweaver]], a Daemon of Tzeentch!

In a Gotrek & Felix novel, it was written by good ol' Bill King that a 'Prophet of Law' had arisen in Araby who was dedicated to destroying all influences of Chaos, and this entailed genociding all non-human races. The Prophet of Law emerged long after Sultan Jaffar's misrule and dark pacts, but not even his attempted purge of Araby would stop the inevitable [[The End Times|ruin of it and the Warhammer world]].

== Society ==
Insofar as culture and society goes, Araby has been fairly indecisively written. The only thing that's completely clear regarding them is their consummate professionalism in matters of trade and economics. They vie with Cathay for overland spice trade routes that go through the Southlands, and have generally emerged better off from those confrontations than the Cathayans have. Some writers, like the great Rick Priestley, when he made an Arabyan armylist for Warmaster, described the Arabyans much akin to the Islamic World from the 8th - 16th centuries, i.e.: significantly ahead of the Old World insofar as medicine in particular and other scientific disciplines in general were concerned. Though they typically were behind insofar as adopting gunpowder was concerned however, but if you know anything about the efficacy of gunpowder in the middle ages, you'd also realise that this isn't particularly a mark of backwardness. On the other hand, Arabyans were also described as notorious slavers, who had contacts with Norscans (but then again, the Norscans sell slaves to the Kislevites also) and also had decadent, opulent courts.

This disconnect was later justified by writers stating that the Arabyans were a disaggregated society ruled by many Emirs, Sheikhs, and Sultans, with some of them being Orientalist nightmares, while others were more or less competent rulers who governed their domains justly and with respect for the Arts and Sciences. So in a way, Araby is like the decentralised Empire of Man and Kislev to the north: like its real-life development, its potential as a great civilisation to rival its northern counterparts was hampered and stifled by corrupt rulers who limited their more-advanced neighbours from improving their whole nation and its peoples.

Because both GW designers and independent fan-writers are both neither as well-informed on historical matters as either thinks to be, most Arabyan armylists and lore, although ostensibly written to evoke the Arabs of the 7-9th centuries, actually ends up invoking the Ottoman Empire, which was Turkic (one of the Arabyan characters from a recent BL novel is called Mehmed Bey, 'Bey' being a Turkic title, with a Mongolian cognate, no less). This wouldn't be that great a problem, except for the fact that the Warhammer World already has several local equivalents to Turks and Tatars.

Along the southern borders, the local Southlanders were influenced by Arabyan culture, and they also intermarried with local Arabyans, resulting in a large mixed population.

== Collecting Araby ==
While interest in Araby as a faction is sadly middeling, there are some fan-made codexes out there, most of them centered around the expected middle eastern/north African fare. Historical miniatures like Victrix African War Elephant and Numidian Cavalry aswell as GBPs Arab cavalry sets should prove treasure troves for the aspiring collector of Araby. In the future there may be some hope for GeeDubs to revive Araby in their upcoming Warhammer: The Old World game, <s>though such a thing remains doubtful as [[ChapterHouse Studios|they're not exactly easy to trademark]]</s> Recently there was apparently a tweet by a Creative Assembly designer where he posted some Arabyan artwork ostensibly developed in-house by the Old World team which he promptly deleted. Given recent developments that Cathay will be a launch race both in Total War: Warhammer III and in Warhammer: The Old World, the possibility that Araby will once again see the light of the day has become more significant.

==The Death(?) of Araby==
In 2021, it was officially stated by Creative Assembly designers that there were no plans to add Araby to Total Warhammer, nor were there ever likely to be plans to do so. It was even stated that Games Workshop itself wanted to stay as far away from Araby as possible with its new tabletop game releases, meaning that the faction has effectively come as close as you can get to being [[squatted]] without actively being killed off in the lore.

Fans immediately erupted in protest at this news, and the [[skub]] about why Games Workshop would do this to one of the more requested and actually fleshed-out human factions...

Which turned out to be (partially) bullshit.

New WFRP book, which mainly deals with knightly orders, adds a little bit more information about Araby. First of all, it mentions enigmatic Black Scimitar Guard as a thing that existed at least during the Crusades, which may be a new Tzar Guard-ish type of unit in... something. It also mentions Arabyan panthers that gave a name to Knights Panther, their own unique horse breed and ostriches. While the references are quite small, and Roleplay is known to be essentially a lore dump to which GW writers add some ideas that can be potentially brought to Old World or TWW3, it is still some glimmer of hope. Now, we can only wait.

== Gallery ==
<gallery>
Arabyan People.png|Arabyans.
Orfeo and Alkadi Nasreen.jpg
</gallery>

==Links==
* [[Warhammer_Army_Project/Araby|Arabyan fandex]]

{{Regions and areas of the Old World}}

SCP Foundation

2022-04-23T19:07:22Z

2001:67C:2628:647:12:0:0:234: Removing edit war tag, as it seems to be over.

{{Meh}}
{{Grimdark}}
{{NeedsImages}}

[[Image:SCP_Foundation_emblem.png|300px|thumb|right|Secure. Contain. Protect.]]

The SCP Foundation''' is a writing site '''focusing on scientific descriptions of terrifying, confusing, or just plain weird monsters, events, [[Warp|locations]], etc. Expect plenty of REDACTED all across the website. The community prioritizes quality writing over pretty much everything else, and as such it is THE place to go if you like top-tier horror fiction writing. The fucking huge critical community within will RIP'N'TEAR bad articles to pieces. (On the flip side, if you want to read some hilariously bad writing, go to the lowest-rated articles page. You will know the true meaning of [[Derp|stupid]].) The SCP Foundation mainly consists of extremely horrific [[grimdark|GRIMDARK]], but also has its light-hearted moments, and at points, absurd and ironic humor.

While the descriptions on the SCP Foundation website and the hinted-at setting loosely binding the different articles together are not directly related to any specific traditional games; the whole thing is a goldmine of ideas for your horror games from [[Delta Green]] to [[World of Darkness]] to [[Call of Cthulhu]] and everything in between; or even if you simply want to throw something weird at your players to deal with for a change.

== Origins ==

The SCP Foundation started when some anon on /x/ wrote a clinically-toned article about a homicidal concrete statue that only moves when you don't look at it, spawning the idea of a worldwide conspiracy to suppress similar "anomalies". In this universe, Creepypasta Events like: "If you visit the ninth floor of a certain apartment at midnight, a spirit will assrape you and split your head open" are very much real, and the Foundation finds them and isolates them for the good of the world at large. Said fictional organization would send agents to survey the existence of supernatural phenomena, contain them (if possible) for analysis, and protect the public from the consequences by any means necessary, said means including (and sometimes surpassing) teleportation to alternate universes.

It eventually shaped into a fictional wiki where thousands of these "SCP"s (items, phenomena, or persons) are contained, by ludicrous force if necessary. Extensive descriptions and containment procedures are the most favored parts of the writings, as well as [[Grimdark|UTTERLY FUCKING TERRIBLE REALIZATIONS]] that your world is a clusterfuck of horror which out-edges 40K on several levels. For example: SCP-682 is a completely invincible reptilian creature that is extremely hostile to humanity, and can barely be kept at bay via complete immersion in hyper-corrosive acid. There are also writings about the personnel within the Foundation, logs of fictional excursions to capture SCPs, and experiment logs to comb through; as well as weapons and personnel that surpass the "legitimate" human authorities' power by magnitudes: [[Mage: The Ascension|extrasolar bases across the universe]] are the only a fraction of it. We're talking about bases in alternate dimensions for inventory and endless resources dug from a plain of white rock.

And that's just the very tip of the iceberg. One SCP is a genetic phenomena that makes the dreaming person's dreams real. That's right. Everything in reality, from World Wars to history of empires *and* new SCP's (there is a rumor that this phenomena was the start of everything) is rewritten in one night's sleep. The Foundation's obvious response is to capture, detain, drug them into complete and total amnesia, use them as disposable anomaly-destroyers, and quietly kill them afterwards. Obviously this genetic trait is so dangerous and disruptive that the organization will ''authorize the [[Exterminatus|'''total genocide''']] of'' "every population that may exhibit the phenomena above average." Another is Nikolai Tesla's Reverse Entropy Tesla Gun that will DESTROY EXISTENCE in a few centuries, with NO WAY OF STOPPING IT. There's also a rock eating fish that eats California's seabed, slowly worsening the San Andreas Faultline, and the foundation failed to kill them off.

And the worst part? There are thousands more yet to be contained or even discovered.

== So what is the Foundation? ==

The Foundation is an secret organization that protects the world from supernatural, or anomalous as they prefer to call it, threat by containing and studying objects, people, creatures, places, and phenomena that break the accepted laws of physics and thus threated the world's normalcy. Dangerous or otherwise interesting objects that they discover are classified as SCPs, which stands for Special Containment Procedures.

The Foundation has a policy of focusing on containing the anomalous rather than destruction because they want to understand what they fight against, and because destroying anomalous objects often has unexpected consequences.

Although the Foundation does have some knowledge of magic and other supernatural stuff that could be used to help them contain the supernatural, most SCPs are contained by mundane means if possible. To help keep the existence of anomalies a secret from the world with fewer deaths, the Foundation uses amnestics, drugs that erase memories, on civilians who witness the supernatural. They also use amnestic drugs on their own members to keep dangerous information classified, as well as protection against things like anomalies that can spread just by knowing about them.

But the Foundation is not exactly the good guys, as they are willing to do just about anything to keep the world safe and sane, including performing extremely unethical experiments on people, sacrificing many lives, and imprisoning any anomaly they discover including sapient ones that just want freedom. There are very few lines that they will not cross as long as it furthers their mission.

For dangerous experiments and occasional human sacrifices, the Foundation uses prisoners called D-class personnel, who are mainly recruited from prisons. They are supposed to be mostly death row inmates but this probably isn't true considering the high turnover rate.

The Foundation is run by a council of thirteen overseers, who are the mysterious all powerful bosses of the organization, and by an ethic committee, whose job is to decide exactly how evil the foundation is permitted to be. The only person above the O5 Council is the even more mysterious administrator, who rarely does anything.

==Classification==
Every SCP has a classification. It's basically a handy way of labeling them as to whether they have the power to totally assfuck you or not. Some of them may even have circumstantial benefits for you interacting with them, goodies like healing or granting you (usually abominable) powers. These classes are:

===Primary Class===
The initial labels given to any anomaly by the Foundation.

*Safe: This does not actually mean that the object is safe, but that the object is simple to contain and it is only dangerous if you mess with it. This includes stuff like people with weird but harmless powers, and objects that cause you to die a horrible death if you touch them but can't stop you from just locking them in a box. For the most part, these are as dangerous as a loaded gun: "safe" if you know what you're doing, and if you stick it in a secure locker, it'll be fine. This does also require that the Foundation can achieve 'you know what you're doing'; nothing is Safe-class when initially acquired, because they don't have a good enough understanding about the anomaly yet.

*Euclid: The object/entity is unpredictable and the Foundation has limited understanding of it. Special containment procedures (title drop) are required to keep it in line; the classic examples are the grand-daddy SCP-173, which has multiple video feeds watched by D-class (convicts stolen from death row) to keep it from moving, and the bigfoot SCP-096, which is stuck in an airtight steel cube with pressure sensors which is checked for holes or cracks, ''without'' looking at the wall you're checking, on a weekly basis. The consequence of a containment breach are also significant; at minimum, resecuring it will involve serious injury to Foundation personnel and some amnesticization of civilians, but mass deaths are often a possibility. If it's hard to contain but easy to keep out of sight of the public even if it breaks containment, it's ''probably'' Safe-class. Many Euclid entities, or pieces of Euclid entities, are sapient; any non-human-like intelligence is at least Euclid.

*Keter: The good shit. Also the bad shit. Almost all are an extremely dangerous tier entity/object. At best they're heavily guarded, protected by specially trained MTF's (Mobile Task Forces), and if they escaped containment would kill thousands and destroy the masquerade irretrievably. At worst, they would destroy the planet/galaxy/universe/multiverse, and they are being kept in a box which removes ''most'' of the avenues by which they could escape, only breaking loose once a year or so with a few hundred Foundation casualties re-containing it for the moment.

===Secondary Class===
Replacement labels for things re-classified from the Primary Class. Given to SCP's that the staff of the Foundation have a comprehensive understanding of. True safety.

*Neutralized: SCP entities/objects that are dead, destroyed, disabled, or otherwise no longer a threat. Often-times these were former Keter-class SCP's that the Foundation managed to dispose of. Their only remains are what can be gleaned from the heavily-edited documentation and records that the Foundation keeps. No one really wants to keep a doomsday device around, right?

*Explained: SCP entities/objects that are no longer considered to be abnormal, which may be due to the Foundation mistaking something for an anomaly before closer examination, or due to advances in science allowing it to be understood, or due to an anomaly becoming so widespread that it has become the new normal.

*Irrelevant: Like Apollyon, it means simply. "Fuck it." It's gonna happen one way or another.

===Esoteric Classes===
The following Object Classes fall outside of the purview of standard classification.

*Thaumiel: Anomalous material or entities that can be used by the Foundation to [[Ordo Xenos|contain or counteract the effects of other highly dangerous anomalies.]] Sometimes the best thing to do is fight fire with fire. Since its introduction, it's become an unofficial primary class, and is the fourth most-used containment class on the site.

*Apollyon: First used by SCP-2317 (iteration 6, Destroyer of Worlds which cannot be stopped and will destroy the world in the next 30 years) Apollyon is often derisively referred to as "Super-Keter." This class is only used for anomalies that present an apocalyptic threat that the Foundation has no way of stopping, slowing down, or undoing. For example: in one alternate timeline the sun became an Apollyon SCP when something caused the sun to start turning any living thing exposed to sunlight into blob monsters. This included trees, keters, ANYTHING. The author community mostly considers use of Apollyon to be in poor taste; this has been lampshaded in some Tales, like the Antimemetics Division tale [http://www.scp-wiki.net/the-wild-light Wild Light]: "Current thinking...is that Apollyon classification is a confession of defeat. It's bad for morale. It cultivates defeatist attitudes. [Keter is] the top of the hierarchy".

*Archon: One of the more popular esoteric classes, Archon denotes items that would do more damage contained than uncontained.

== Famous SCPs ==

*SCP-001: Unlike other SCP numbers, there are multiple SCP-001 articles, and it is up to the reader to decide which ones are canon. SCP-001 might be the first monster the Foundation ever discovered, or the source of all other SCPs, or the origin of the Foundation, or the biggest apocalyptic threat that they face, or any number of other important things that deserved to be in the number one slot.

*SCP-049: A humanoid resembling a medieval plague-doctor, but he isn't human and that's not a costume. He is obsessed with curing a "pestilence" he perceives in some humans, but he cannot say what this "pestilence" is; in fact, he cannot seem to comprehend that others don't know what it is. When he gets hold of someone, his "cure" turns the victim into a rampaging zombie, which to him is somehow better. It's unclear whether this pestilence is a real thing that only he can see, or if he is just insane.

*SCP-055: An unknown object that erases any memories about itself. The Foundation doesn't even remember when or how they obtained it, or even who wrote the object's containment procedures and why they work, but it is possible to remember what the object isn't, and so the Foundation is figuring it out by elimination. It is classified as Keter because you can't remember if it is actually dangerous or not and it may have killed hundreds of people and no one would remember it. This spawned a long-running series about the "[http://www.scp-wiki.net/antimemetics-division-hub Antimemetics Division]", which deals with SCPs which make you forget about them or are literally impossible to think certain thoughts about.

*SCP-087: A seemingly endless stairwell with a voice crying out for help that never gets closer no matter how far down you go. If you go down it too long a floating face will suddenly appear and scare you to death.

*SCP-093: An engraved red disc that turns mirrors into portals to an alternate version of Earth, where a horrible catastrophe has occurred. Based on recovered evidence, a godlike entity made contact and became the sole religion, distributing advanced technology in exchange for worship, including its "Tears" that would wash away "sin." The use of its Tears caused people to mutate into faceless monsters called "Unclean" that consumed other people and caused an extinction-level event.

*SCP-096: A humanoid with abnormally long arms and a very large mouth. Normally it is docile, but if anyone sees its face, it goes berserk and hunts them down, killing them brutally. Once you have seen its face, there is nothing that can stop it; even getting its organs blasted out by a tank round won't slow it down. Even looking at a photograph of it will set it off somehow.

*SCP-106: A old man who can walk through walls, corrodes everything he touches, and can teleport victims to [[Commoragh|a pocket dimension where he tortures them.]]

*SCP-140: A book that tells the history of a violent culture called the Daevites. The book can write itself if it comes into contact with ink or blood, changing history in the process. Every time it changes, the Daevites' destruction occurs later; if it goes too far, it could retroactively cause the Daevites to exist into the modern day and come into conflict with other nations. What's worse is that there are a double-digit amount of copies in existence, all with the same properties, and the Foundation hasn't accounted for all of them.

*SCP-173: The Statue (AKA the Original) - A killer statue that can move extremely fast when not being watched and causes a mixture of blood and feces to mysteriously appear on the floor of the room it is kept in. This means people regularly have to enter the room it is stored in to clean it and have to be extremely careful not to blink so it doesn't kill them. Started the whole thing, and yes, Whofags, it came before the Weeping Angels. Was inspired by a creepy photo of a sculpture by a Japanese artist.

*SCP-231-7: The last surviving member of seven young women who were kidnapped and impregnated by a Satanic cult. Progressively horrible things happened when the others gave birth, so the Foundation assumes she'll cause an apocalypse if she does too. The only way to stop her from giving birth is to regularly submit her to something called "Procedure 110-Montauk." It isn't revealed what Procedure 110-Montauk specifically is, but it is something absolutely horrifying, probably some form of disgusting sexual torture, and the Foundation regularly erases her memory to make sure she doesn't get desensitized to it, because the trauma of the procedure is required for it to work. The personnel who work with her also have their memories erased to prevent the trauma from affecting them. The horror doesn't come from the threat to the world she represents, but how far the Foundation is willing to go to keep the world safe: if you had to torture an innocent person to keep other people safe, would you be able to do it?

*SCP-294: A coffee machine that can dispense anything requested from it that can exist in liquid form, as well as several things that normally can't.

*SCP-354: [[Lizardmen|A bloody red lake that spawns many terrifying monster 24/7]]. It spawn many variety of monster that can only be seen in movies and fictions like killer robots, lizard people, elemental monsters, and frigging krakens. The Foundation put up a good fight but decided to [[exterminatus|abandon the fuck out and nuke the site]] because they can't [[Lizardmen|kept up the pace]] and fighting [[Skaven|endless]] [[Warriors of Chaos|waves]] [[Chaos Daemons|of monsters]] [[Nagash|to a stalemate]]. The pool also sentient and will psychically attack you if you try to drain the pool, and it might actually be a living portal between worlds.

*SCP-426: I am a toaster that can only be talked about in first person. Spend to much time around me and you will start to think you are a toaster and will harm yourself trying to do toaster things.

*SCP-447: A spongy ball that constantly exudes a green slime, this substance is extremely useful and is good at improving the quality of whatever it's applied to (gasoline becomes more efficient, smoke grenades last longer, food becomes more delicious). The only catch is that it does ''something'' to dead bodies that is apparently extremely dangerous, and the Foundation is so afraid of this effect that even proposing to apply the goo to a dead body is enough to get you demoted to D-class!

*SCP-529 (aka Josie): A half-cat [[Felinid|(not that kind)]], the entirety of her body behind her ribcage is seemingly non-existent. Despite this, she still behaves as though her body is whole. Given that she is [[Cat|a cat]], she is allowed to freely roam the lower levels of the facility. However, SCP-529 is not to be given any cheese; if she doesn't get enough cheese, [[Dawww|she gets upset]].

*SCP-682: The Hard-to-Kill Lizard - A FUCKHUEG lizard that hates all organic life (except SCP-053, an immortal child who drives humans violently insane, for some reason) and cannot be killed. There is a LONG list of attempts, none of them successful. It will either become immune to what you tried to use to kill it with, or will copy the effects and turn them on you. The Foundation has even tried killing or controlling it using dozens of other SCPs, which normally is forbidden, and none of them have worked, and many have backfired spectacularly.

*SCP-895: An empty coffin which causes any camera recording taken too close to it to be filled with horrifying images that can drive you insane.

*SCP-914: The Clockworks - A massive clockwork machine connected to two boxes. Between the boxes is a dial with 5 settings: Rough, Coarse, 1:1, Fine, and Very Fine. Put something in the "Input" box, choose your setting, and pray the result isn't too radioactive. The two lowest settings take objects apart. The middle setting transforms the input into something similar, like maybe turning an apple into an orange. The second highest setting turns the input into a better version of itself. The last setting is similar to the previous one but is extremely unpredictable. The output will usually have a similar function the input but taken to an extreme, and often be anomalous.

*SCP-999: A harmless [[Slime]] that eats candy, sweats [[Noblebright|antidepressants]], and [[Dawww|loves to tickle people]]. Fans like to ship it with SCP-682 after a failed attempt at killing 682 with kindness.

*SCP-1471: A malware app that, once installed, causes a skull-faced wolf-thing (the picture on the page is actually a [[Furry]], or skully) to begin stalking you inside your phone until you can see it in real-life. Fortunately, the creature itself is harmless. Unfortunately, this all means that furries in real-real-life are totally obsessed with the character and you can't mention it without risking Rule 34.

*SCP-2000: A large, underground complex located inside or near Yellowstone national park. The entire complex is more or less a "Civilization Reset Button," purpose-built to bring the entirety of human civilization back in the event of the apocalypse. Any information pertaining to its creation has been lost, but it is known that it has been activated ''at least twice.'' Not to mention that a 400-year-old corpse that matched a Foundation researcher was found with a note that begged the question of why this thing was built in the first place.

*SCP-2521: A weird tentacle monster that can walk though walls, can only be safely described with pictograms, and loves information about itself, so it steals any document written about it and kidnaps anybody who talks about'''AAAAAAAAHHHHHH! ITS GOT ME!''' Notable in that the article was written as part of a contest on who could write an SCP in less than 500 words; [[Not as planned|the use of pictograms meant the the article had exactly ''zero'']].

*SCP-2845: A Deer with a human face that can transmute any substance, turn humans into weird Hexagon things, and is thought to be one of the few SCPs that are actual no-holds-barred gods. Its containment requires weird rituals involving castrating D-Class and eating babies. Researchers believe that the ritual only contains the Deer because it thinks it does, and making any changes (like reducing the baby-eating) could let it escape.

*SCP-3008: An infinitely large [[Ayekea|IKEA]] store in another dimension, connected to an otherwise-ordinary IKEA store (fortunately cordoned off by the Foundation), and finding an exit is nigh-impossible due to the seemingly-infinite dimensions of the space and the hostile humanoid creatures that come out at "night." Many of the people trapped inside the super IKEA are from other versions of Earth and they are forced to play real-life [[Dwarf Fortress]] (or [[Minecraft]] for the current gen reader) where they hunt for food and look for an exit during the day and craft weapons and fortresses using IKEA products to defend against the monsters' attacks at night.

*<s>SCP-4000</s> Taboo: [[Feywild|An extra dimensional forest]] populated with [[Fey|strange magical creatures]]. The location, landmarks within it, and beings from it cannot be referred to by any consistent name [[Chaos Spawn|or else bad things happen to the people who named them]] (so to prevent confusion the document has words that refer to the same thing colored the same way). There also are very strict and complicated rules for safely interacting with the inhabitants.

*SCP-5000: A mechanical suit that contained records of an alternate timeline where the Foundation discovered a horrible secret (hint: it has something to do with SCP-682) that drove them to try to wipe out humanity by weaponizing all of the monsters they once kept contained, while forcing other major factions like the GOC to fight against them.

=== SCPs with minimal tabletop relevance ===

*SCP-1024: A set of instruction on how to perform low level spells that actually work, disguised as a [[Basic Dungeons & Dragons]] set.

*SCP-3744: A man who has the ability to alter reality, but only while playing Dungeons & Dragons. He suffering from trauma due to nearly causing his brother to drown for real during a game.

*SCP-3973: A sentient [[Ultramarines]] miniature that has the ability to control dice rolls in its vicinity. This had the knock-on effect of having his owner accused of cheating when he tried to help him win.

*SCP-5866: The semi-alive corpse of the Babylonian goddess [[Tiamat]], which ends up being brought to life as the five headed dragon from D&D because that's what people think Tiamat looks like now.

*SCP-1974-EX: A d20 that causes hallucinations. Sadly, as indicated by the -EX ending, it turned out the dice was covered in some kind of hallucinogen. Nevertheless the article itself contain many references to /tg/ memes and related games, which is why it is listed here.

== Other Factions ==

The SCP Foundation is not the only organization that protects the world from the supernatural or uses the supernatural for their own goals. Here is a partial list of notable rivals, allies, and enemies of the Foundation.

* Chaos Insurgency: Originally this faction was part of the Foundation, a covert deniable ops team simply named the "Insurgency." Operating under the fictitious pretense of being a group of rogue agents who assassinated and kidnapped on behalf of said organization, without their actions leading back to the foundation. They answered directly to the O5 Council, with little oversight from any other part of the Foundation. That changed when they really did go rogue, releasing various euclid and keter-class SCPs. What their goal is still remains a mystery, as is the reason for their defection. It's suggested that rather than contain SCPs, they want to proactively control and weaponize them. Whatever the case, they're a threat to everything the Foundation works for.

* Global Occult Coalition: The GOC is an organization funded by the United Nations whose mission is to protect humanity from anomalous threats. Unlike the SCP Foundation, they are far more willing to use anomalies to fight against anomalies, [[Exterminatus|but mainly focus on destroying any anomalies that they consider a threat instead of containing and studying them.]] The Foundation and the GOC have at times allied with each other, although their methodologies are diametrically opposite. Many of the other factions strongly dislike the GOC and see them as needlessly heavy-handed.

* Horizon Initiative: A religious organization formed from the three Abrahamic faiths and several other religions that work together to protect the world from the supernatural. They are particularly hostile to cults like the Church of the Broken God and the Fifthist Church.

* Serpent's Hand: The Serpent's Hand is a loose confederation of humans and other beings that fights for the rights of intelligent anomalies and the pursuit of knowledge. Their base of operations is a magical library between universes. They especially hate the GOC and call them "bookburners", they refer to the Foundation as the "Jailers". Occasional allies of the Foundation, though the Foundation usually comes to regret it later.

* Church of the Broken God: Basically the [[Adeptus Mechanicus]] mixed with Gnosticism and a little bit of Greek and Chinese mythology. The CotBG is a religion of machine worshipers that wants to find and reassemble the lost fragments of their god. Although they aren't evil per se, if they were to succeed in their goals it probably would cause the apocalypse; or at the very least turn everything into living clockwork metal, and according to some sources, fixing the god of machines would actually cause the god of flesh to be released which is the opposite of what they want. They are mainly broken into three distinct denominations: the Broken Church (the oldest branch), the Cogworth Orthodox (obsessed with standardization and clockwork body modification, and prefer [[Industrial Revolution]] level technology) and the Church of Maxwellism (unlike the other two branches, they embrace the use of electronics and believe that the broken god is a digital being they can connect to through the internet).

* Sarkic Cults: Sarkicism or Nälkä (Finnish for hunger), as its followers call it, is the antithesis of the CotBG. The religion is mostly based on Gnosticism (but in an opposite way than the CotBG) with some elements of Hinduism and other religions mixed in. They revere [[Nurgle|disease]] and mutation and seek to achieve godhood by consuming the gods and perfecting themselves through horrifying [[Fleshcrafting]] sorcery. If you've ever seen the movie "The Thing", that'll give you the right idea. Most Sarkites are horrifically depraved monsters who should be killed with fire. The CotBG and Sarkites have a very long ongoing historical conflict. Sarkic cults are divided into Proto-Sarkic Cults, which mostly consist of isolated and technophobic communities and primarily worship the founder of the religion who achieved godhood, and Neo-Sarkic Cults, which are hidden in modern society as secret societies and organized crime organizations and worship the god of flesh.

* The Fifth Church: Well... they worship stars and have an obsession with the number 5. It seems to be based partially on Scientology and New Age and other new religious movements and parody religions, but little is actually known about their beliefs, and what is known is mostly incomprehensible. Most of the other factions consider them to be a joke, although they once nearly destroyed reality by selling a book that gave readers reality warping powers at the cost of causing insanity. In the Antimemetics Division canon, it is much worse than that.

* Doctor Wondertainment: Seem to be a company (or an individual. It bounces back and forth) that produces supernatural toys for children, which usually are dangerous if they are not used properly. They often send their products to the Foundation as gifts. For some reason they also created a line of anomalous humanoids called the Little Misters that they challenge the Foundation to collect.

* Are We Cool Yet?: A organization of artists/terrorists with a twisted sense of humor that produces dangerous pieces of anomalous artwork for laughs or for making political statements. Things like paintings that drive people that look at them insane. Pretentious fucks.

* Gamers Against Weed (GAW): Anomalous Internet Memes & the like. Love taking the piss out of the other GoIs; split off from AWCY? at least partly because the former were too high off their own paint fumes. Usually used as comic relief. [[Derp|Their name is also confusing, since they're not actually against weed]].

* Marshal, Carter, and Dark Ltd.: An occult business that collects anomalies to sell to anyone for the right price.

* Manna Charitable Foundation: An organization that tries to exploit anomalies for humanitarian purposes, often with disastrous results. The road to hell...

* Herman Fuller's Circus of the Disquieting: A circus that travels between dimensions to put on their shows and recruit more freaks. The Circus tends to be a refuge for the truly strange. Herman was overthrown and it's now lead by a pair of lesbian clown monsters.

* Shark Punching Center: Began as a joke for mocking people who misspelled SCP as SPC. The SPC is a completely insane version of the Foundation from another universe that is dedicated entirely to protecting the world from selachian (shark) entities by punching them. They do a pretty good job.

* SAPPHIRE: An organization of militant atheists who seek to destroy all religions by anomalous means even while being in total denial of the existence of the anomalous. All the other factions think they are insane.

* ☽☽☽: In an alternate timeline, the Earth was saved from destruction by being teleported into an afterlife known as Corbenic and became a third moon. From there, the people of that Earth work to try to save other versions of Earth from going down the same path that lead to their destruction. Living matter cannot enter the world of the living from Corbenic, although they can somehow invade fictional universes, so they mainly act through anomalous machines they send to earth. Most of their anomalies are about turning Humanity into [[Noblebright|a lighter and kinder]] temperament, such as a spaceship that warns dictators and mass murderers to step down and accept due process or be shot with a tiny laser beam from space, and editing sadistic media entertainment, giving villains heavy punishments within.

* "dado": an entrepreneur who specializes in making anomalous medicines, often with ''very'' unusual effects due to the not-so-good doctor's [[Painboy|questionable grasp]] of... English, science, and common sense. He has collaborated with some the groups mentioned above, and it has bit them in the ass [[Fail|one way]] or [[Lulz|another]]. Very fond of [[Minsc|his pet hamster]].

*Cults of the Scarlet King - Very obviously the [[Chaos|Satanism]] analogue of the universe, though like the Sarkics they are a divided faction. They've created several anomalies, most notably a series of [[Daemonculaba]] analogues (and all the shit that comes with that), and they worship one of the versions of SCP-001, the eponymous Scarlet King.

And those are just some of the major ones that appear on the English version of the SCP website. Writers on other language versions of the website have come up with tons more. SAPPHIRE in particular first appeared on the French site and was popular enough to get translated and brought over to the English site.

== Drama ==
{{skubby}}

=== The RPC/SCP conflict and migration ===
{{Heresy}}
When you get a group of people to do something together, drama is inevitable. The SCP community has a number of big-names calling the shots, and what they say goes. They set the tone for what's allowed and what's not, and if you piss off the wrong person for a trivial thing or hurt someone's massive over-inflated ego, you can expect your stay on the website to be short. They are no stranger to massive internal strife either; fights between the big boys resulted in a lot of content being discarded at one point. It kind of mirrors [[TVTropes]]: the front end has a lot of nice reading but the community side is a dumpster fire of misery, egos and dicks. We do not prefer to give examples to not point hands at anyone in specific, even if indirectly, though.

Early forms of alleged [[SJW]]ism had been noted in articles spotting unusual genders without them being played for horror, or commented upon at all for that matter. Given a lot of SCPs are frequently not of this Earth/dimension/etc., there's at least SOME reasoning for it; and with stuff like SCP-113 or Dr Clef, few would normally bat an eye. Whether the presence of these in the articles is "forced political correctness" and pandering to [[SJW]]'s or just a simple yet unusual detail in gender identity that users are making a [[butthurt]] and unnecesary fuss about is up [[Skub|to the viewer to decide]]. The series also suffer from heavy amounts of Pussy Pass as well, such as "female users" being allowed to publish SCP's of Neko Assassin Girls from another dimension who are temporarily caught but somehow act all haughty and dismissive to an organization that snaps entire universes shut and could erase them from existence with a sleeping dreamer on a notice. Dear SCP editors. These users are not even girls. If they were, they wouldn't fuck you.

Amongst those who ''did'' interpret these actions as unnecessary politics while accusing the mods of censorship and banning of those who protested against it, and wishing to avoid further debate with the mods or the banhammers both in aligned discord servers and the website itself, founded their own branch/variation of SCP Foundation with a self-proclaimed focus on political neutrality and tonal and writing style similar to that of the early-to-mid SCP Foundation era, named the [[Original Character, do not steal|RPC Authority]]. The content itself is for the most part articles imported from the dissenting authors with the serial numbers filled off, though further developments did lead to plenty of original <s>SCP's</s> RPC's being create for website.

For the RPC side and those who migrated from the SCP wiki, the mods are at fault for trying to insert [[SJW]] content into their articles and shutting down complaints of their actions, arguing that this has alienated the apolitical side of the fandom who participated in the website before it went blatantly political with things like SCP 5004 which made a stab towards Trump with [[What|Dr. Light being pushed over despair]] over the idea that [[derp|american society was going willingly vote for Trump even without the Foundation's intervention]], with this being a essentially recycled idea from SCP-4444. Notably, the article was downvoted to the point of being a candidate of deletion back when it was made and now it sits comfortably in the hundreds, with this being used as proof of the website becoming an echo chamber for [[SJW]]ery regardless of the article's quality. Complementing this, they mention that the mods have [[Exterminatus|cracked down on any opposition to them both outside the website and in it]], and as such have failed to keep the SCP Foundation a free community and Wiki where anyone is free to edit [[Inquisitor|regardless of their political position]].

For the SCP side and those who decided to stay or didn't care, it has been pointed out that the SCP Foundation ''always'' had articles with political overtones even if these were less common, and that users were making drama over a few articles that they could simply ignore or downvote but decided to bitch about because they couldn't bear the idea of articles containing non-binary characters or jokes mocking capitalism in the wiki (Like SCP-3236 which allows a person to have a erotic dream themed around a concept and upon testing with the word "capitalism" the D-class could only report that [[lulz|he got fucked]]) while being [[butthurt]] over anyone who disagreed, saying that they create articles themselves if they wished to make a political/social stab of their own. To make matters worse, some SCP users alleged that many of these "apolitical" RPC migrators held [[/pol/|"politically incorrect"]] views and that the anti-polical tirades were just masking for their bigotry - not helped by the fact that while the aforementioned blatant political content was one of their main sources of complaint, some went as far as to accuse non-straight relationships and characters with "uncommon" gender identities of [[what|being "political pandering"]].

At the end of the day and regardless of [[skub|one's own opinion]], the RPC wiki did keep their promise and (for the most part) kept politics out of their imported and original articles, with conflict having mostly died down since them outside of the ocasional discussion happening in discord/reddit threads, as both sides have adopted a "out of sight, out of mind" attitude to each other. That being said, [[Troll|do feel free]] to post one of the circulated prints of the drama in their forums [[That Guy|to check out what their reaction will be]]!

=== The Other Things ===

Furthermore, as the community around the SCP Wiki has evolved over time, the tone of the works has shifted. In the first few years of the wiki, there was more of an inclusion of levity and humour, especially in regards to test logs and the antics of senior staffers. Over time the wiki has included less and less of this, as the community broadened and namefags or otherwise notable contributors left, taking their influences and in-universe characters with them. Circa 2018, the wiki is redoubling its efforts to be purely clinical horror, with fewer jokes (for better or worse).

(That being said, there's still room for somewhat "silly" SCPs, you just have to make them the product of an appropriate silly person or group, and make sure to (A) write it up clinically and (B) have something interesting besides the joke. See, for reference, the products of the group "Gamers Against Weed", or the products of "dado". You can also still do -J articles, like good ol' [[Meme|SCP-420-J]].)

More than a few people have also noticed (and mocked) the tendency of assorted SCPs to basically be their creator's fucked up sexual fetishes. One SCP, a more well known one to boot, was even basically [[Extra Heresy|implying pedophilia]], but thankfully someone went and made a revised, non [[Loli]] version that doesn't put the site on a watchlist (though the old version is still available for <s>public shaming</s> continuity purposes).

You also have the Russian branch having to deal with a copyright [[Internet Troll|troll]] who wants to turn SCP into his own brand, at least in Russia if not internationally. Unlike most trolls they can't ignore this one as they would steal the work of those who wrote there for themselves by extension. Remember kids, copyright/trademark/etc. sniping is not cool.

== See also ==

* [[Delta Green]] - The closest thing to a SCP tabletop RPG out there.

* [http://rpcauthority.wikidot.com/ RPC Authority - The OTHER SCP Foundation, see above for details.]

[[Category: Not related]]

/tg/

2022-04-23T19:05:48Z

2001:67C:2628:647:12:0:0:234: Removing edit war tag, as it seems to be over.

{{Cleanup}}
{{HurfDurf}}
{{skubby}}
{{heresy}}
[[File:Traditional Gamers.png|300px|thumb|right|To get an idea of what /tg/ is about.]]
''"Know, o prince, that in the time between the dull youth of the internet and the age of Newfags, that there was an ancient and awesome message board known as [[/b/]]. It was the first but not the last. Back in these ancient times of myth and legend, a foul kind known as Furries sought the coveted [[Wednesday]] slot, but lo, their dickishness knew no bounds, and soon, they sought the other days as well. And, lo and behold, from the sky came the neckbeards, men of lore and wisdom, who saw the blasphemous evil and faggotry, and with righteous rage cast down the Furry and the Troll with powerful [[Humanity Fuck Yeah|"Humanity; Fuck Yeah"]] threads and burning [[Rage]]! The purging of /b/ lasted many weeks, and the awesome power of [[neckbeards]] was REWARDED! AND LO! MOOT, God of /b/ crafted a sacred place of awesomeness and swelling pride, known as [[/tg/]]."''

''"Just saying, if you're a noob, casual, WAAC-faggot, that guy, or dedicated eldar-level troll, beer and pretzel gamer, foreveralone, it doesn't matter. None of that shit matters. You can always come fucking chill with /tg/ on bad days."''

''"No, the Board of Fornication is /d/. This is /tg/, the Board of Implied Fornication and Fantastical Eugenics."''

''"This is /tg/. We skim the book, get the gist of the rules, and then play a couple sessions to get the hang of things. Or we don't read the book at all and claim it's shit and some other book is better."-Anon''
[[Image:Isle_of_tg.jpg|thumb|right|The [[4chan Archipelago|Isle of /tg/]], yar!]]

[[Image:Tg.jpg|thumb|right|A /tg/ membership test.]]
An imageboard on [[4chan]], and the origin of this wiki and the stuff displayed herein. Mostly populated by [[neckbeards]], its residents are often referred to as fa/tg/uys and ca/tg/irls, and sometimes variations thereof (like smar/tg/uys or [[Ruby Quest Characters#Ruby|rabbi/tg/irls]]). It is sometimes said that /tg/ is really about D&D and WH40k and anything that is not related to those two topics should be saged, but in reality almost any subject can be tangentially linked to the board, and the topics of discussion are many and varied. /tg/: you don't even need the other boards anymore! Though certain events have led fa/tg/uys to exodus on other chan sites, particularly, [[8chan|infinity chan]].

[[File:Tg board 100 percent worksafe nsfw irony lulz.png|thumb|Remember, /tg/ is 100% worksafe]]
/tg/ is supposed to be [[NSFW|worksafe]]. This means that it is periodically flooded with various varieties of porn. The masturbatory habits of your average fa/tg/uy have some overlap with the domain of [[/d/]] when it comes to monstergirls, so they are fairly common; elves in various states of undress are also a frequent sight, and the board is sometimes host to the furry plague that infests most of 4chan.

The board gets into pride vs. butthurt fights over whether the /tg/ hivemind is able to ''[[gets shit done|get shit done]]''. See: [[/tg/'s homebrews]] and [[/tg/ IRL]] for what /tg/ has done in the far distant past.

As you can tell, fa/tg/uys occasionally have [[Skub|mild differences of opinion]] on pretty much any topic. But no matter what happens to our board or our codices, we'll always be united in our love of [[dice]] and hatred of [[That Guy]]. Seriously, fuck him.

==Things /tg/ stands for==
*Traditional Games
*Tabletop Games
*Terrible Games
*Thrones Gelt
*[[Troll]] Grapplan
*[[Gay Purple Man|Totally Gay]]
*[[Touhou]] Games
*[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Top_Gear_(2002_TV_series) Top Gear]
*[[Creed|Tactical Genius]]
*[[40k]]
*The Game
*[[/tg/_gets_shit_done|Shi/tg/ets done]]
*[[That Guy]]
*[[This Guy]]
*These Guys
*Those Guys
*Traditional Gamers
*Touhou Games
*Terrible Gamers
*True Gaming
*Transcendental Grognards
*Triggered Gamers
*Third Grade
*Tail Gating
*Transgender
*Trans-dimensional Goop

==History of /tg/==
The history of /tg/ as a board and a userbase seems to have been muddled by the passage of time. The following was collected from various oldfags and checked with others.

Long ago on /b/ a tradition of Warhammer Wednesdays started. 40k fans would gather together on wednesdays to fill /b/ with their neckbeardedness. The future fa/tg/uys would compete with the furries for control of the board, and some of the oldest of fa/tg/uy drawfaggotry was of 40k characters purging the furfags from the board. Eventually moot had had enough of /b/ being flooded by Warhammer 40k fans and created a new board for them to inhabit along with other oldschool RPG players: /tg/.

The newly christened fa/tg/uys flourished on their new board, unmolested by the administration. Due to the nature of the hobby, many writefags, drawfags, and other creative types came to /tg/ and much unique content came from the board. But /tg/ was a blue board (that means it was supposed to be SFW for all you newfags), and the vast amounts of porn posted eventually caused the mods to come down on /tg/.

Sometime after the purge of nsfw content /tg/ reportedly entered a golden age in which the board became a sort of melting pot of various creative interests. It seems that many of the /tg/ original characters such as Crazy Hassan, [[Sir Bearington]], and more came about during this era. It seems that it was during this time that /tg/ developed its reputation as a board of far-strewn subjects and appeal. Also during this time period a [[/tg/_Dice|dice rolling mechanic]] was added, the last bit of good attention /tg/ got from the admins.

These times would not last, however, as /tg/ entered an era where the board suffered greatly at the hands of the 4chan administration. According to various users, there were a number of bad mods which have been collectively known as a single entity: the nazimod. Board content went to level of shit never seen before around 2010. Mods cracked down on both the shit flooding the board along with the material that while, not directly related to traditional gaming, were important parts of /tg/ culture. Some of the mods brought in due to the shit flood went stupid with power, and bans were handed out like candy to those who posted anything not directly related to traditional games or otherwise managed to displease the mods. While this got rid of some of the trashy members of the board, the purges also inflicted great casualties on the positive side of the userbase.

The history of /tg/ seems to go without major events until the advent of quest threads. Quest threads became popular on 4chan's many boards, but a lot complained that they weren't proper for the board at all, so mods eventually decided that all quest threads should go onto /tg/, which has resulted in approval, indifference, or utter rage from the various users of /tg/, which continued untill, In April 2016, a new "/qst/" board was formed for all questing and questing accessories. Sadly it seems that the gap left by the content of the questers, -while not always quality was usually genuine- has been filled with nothing but more meaningless shit threads like the ever loveable [[Elf Slave, Wat Do?|"elf slave wat do?"]] and countless number of their permutations. Or up to 9(!) 40k threads at once, rather than compacting that number into the general (Though to be fair the Warhammer 40k General is not really the best place even for actual 40k fans and generals are just a whole other can of worms).

<s>It seems another time of newfaggotry may be upon us, with anons who don't know proper thread etiquette, and are general shitters. Time will tell if these anons will assimilate into true elegant gentlemen, or if their cancer will leave /tg/ in a worse place.</s>

And so it was that the cancer metastasized.

*'''''See Also:''''' The [[Story of teegee]], a collection of dramatized stories of the history of the board.

==Relationships with Other Boards==
{{skubby}}
*/a/ - Currently overlapping userbases according to survey of various elegan/tg/entlemen. Generally contained within quest threads after a huge influx when quests on /a/ were redirected to /tg/.
*/co/ - Currently overlapping userbases according to survey of various elegan/tg/entlemen. Comic characters are an inspiration for some fa/tg/uys, and multiple RPGs allow the players to start as/become superheroes. /tg/ has even played host for the occasional comic dump while the audience [[rage|debated]] how to use the setting in their games
*/aco/ - See above, except this one is for NSFW content. Some overlap is inevitable.
*/d/ - Much of the porn that /tg/ put up often dealt with monstergirls and the like, indicating something of an overlap of /tg/ and /d/ userbases.
*/his/ - History, especially military history, seems to interest many /tg/ users. Elegan/tg/entlemen have a fondness for war gaming, so an interest in military history and Imperialism is only natural.
*/k/ - RPGs typically include fantastic weaponry and a bias towards military action, which often leads to crossposting.
*/m/- Overlaps with Warhammer 40k and any game involving robots or vehicles... in theory. Battletech invariably ends up as a shitposting subject.
*/mlp/ - /tg/ seems to have a partial user overlap, as pony-related RPGs occasionally pop up and provoke [[skub|discussion]].
*/pol/ - There seems to be a number of /pol/ users on /tg/ judging by the various political debates that occasionally spring up. Also, as with the flame war on the [[God-Emperor of Mankind]] page here on this very wiki, /pol/ pissed off /tg/ because of their insistence that the true name of [[Heresy|the Emperor is Donald Trump, complete with the "photoshop Trump's head on the Emperor's"]] [[Meme|Forced Meme]]. Everyone who doesn't frequent /pol/ wishes that they would stay in their containment board rather than constantly try to derail threads and commit unholy sacrilege upon the Emperor by replacing him with the former American president.
*/qst/ - A containment board for quest threads. Since most of the better quests with larger fanbases were tied to /tg/-relevant franchises, its basically a ded board.
*/v/ - Surprising no one, much of /tg/ looks videogames for inspiration and a lot of /tg/ related franchises, including 40k and Forgotten Realms, have been adapted into videogames. Much crossboarding occurs between the two without issue but also means many newfags and shitposters are shared between the two.
*/x/ - In the early days /tg/ had a lot of user overlap with /x/. After /b/ invaded /x/, many of the /x/ users unhappy with the new users left to make /tg/ their home board.
*/ic/ - Often see /tg/ as based due to the reference threads some fa/tg/uys have posted on their board. Plenty art discussion can be seen immediately in threads where a random Anon might offhandedly bring it up. This suggests they lurk the reference and environment threads native to /tg/ as well. Some older d/ic/ks will claim that tabletop RPGs help build their "visual library."

For 8chan in particular:
*/christian/ - The overlap between two boards is massive, for several reasons, main two being that many users on /christian/ are either actual elegan/tg/entleman or at least fond on tabletop games, particularly on 40K (due to obvious reasons) and the fact that history of Christianity and Bible are goldmines for various settings and adventure tropes.
*/pol/ - One of the top reasons for fa/tg/uys making the exodus back in 2014 was escaping persecution for not being a leftist. 8chan's early history saw a relatively large amount of cross-pollination between /tg/ and /pol/, largely because your average 8/pol/ack in 2014 was more likely to have a coherent but heterodox worldview. The Reddit invasion of 2015 and /pol/'s annexation by the Trump campaign killed this happy relationship, but you can still find the odd /pol/itician of the old school sharing history factoids and rage over leftist stupidity in the industry is common enough to gets its own containment thread.
*[[/monster/]] - Board about [[monstergirls]]. Of course /tg/ is all over that shit. Actual crossboarding is minimal due to /monster/ finding /tg/ boring and /tg/ finding /monster/ full of autistic closet furries.

==See Also==
* [[Secret /tg/ Handshake]] - a means by which fa/tg/uys might recognize one another.
* [[List of /tg/ Cuisine]] - recipes by neckbeards, for neckbeards.
* [[Approved movies]] - movies which are either /tg/ related or are generally recommended by fa/tg/uys.
* [[Approved anime]] - anime some of /tg/ recommends.
* [[Recommended Video Games]] - video games for playing on lonely nights.
* [[/tg/ Games Census]] - stats about what /tg/ is playing, was playing, wants to play and wants never to play again.
* [[/tg/booru]] - We have an image booru, apparently. Beware of [[promotions]] and potential [[Heresy]].

==External==
[[Image:Tg_the_albom.JPG|thumb|right|/tg/: The Album]]
*[https://boards.4chan.org/tg/ Our home] - If you're clicking this link to find teegee, how the hell did you find this wiki? 
*[http://status.4chan.org/ 4chan status] - Some days, you'll visit it more than you visit 4chan.
*[http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/ Sup/tg/] - Saves submitted threads and hosts /tg/'s favorite gaems. You'll feel more familiar with us if you spend some time browsing the archives.
*[https://boards.4chan.org/tg/catalog 4chan's /tg/ catalog] [http://catalog.neet.tv/tg/ (original neet.tv version)] - All active threads on a single page, a.k.a. "catalog mode".
*[http://desuarchive.org/tg/ The Desuarchive formerly known as Foolz formerly known as Easymodo] - A real-time (more or less) archive of all the text on /tg/. Good for reading deleted posts, citing your shit, or (until recently) as a "read-only" mode if you got yourself b& (back when bans were [[serious business]]).

==/tg/ On Other Sites==
*[http://www1.tgchan.org/ /tg/chan] - A spinoff board. Has its own [[Tgchan|article]], kind of.
*[http://boards.420chan.org/tg/ /tg/ on 420chan]
*[http://7chan.org/tg/ /tg/ on 7chan]
*<s>[http://8ch.net/tg/ /tg/ on 8chan]</s> Dead, since their /pol/ ruined things for the entire goddamn site. The latest successor is [https://8chan.moe 8moe], and since boards there are user-created there's bound to be a /tg/. 
*[https://9chan.tw/neutg/ /tg/ on 9chan]
----

Has a [[Board-tans/tg|Board-tan counterpart]].

----

<center>'''"/tg/ - We shit halflings"'''</center>

----
[[Category:4chan|tg]]

Lolicron

2022-04-23T19:03:38Z

2001:67C:2628:647:12:0:0:234: Removing edit war tag, as it seems to be over.

{{Heresy}}
{{Promotions}}
{{sick|it's in the name}}
[[Image:Lolicron01.jpg|thumb|right|Her first rendition.]][[Image:Lolicron05.jpg|Lolcron and Lolicron - know the difference!|thumb]] What do you get when /tg/ combines [[Drawfag|drawfaggotry]], [[Grimdark]], [[DFC|dawww]], and [[Promotions]]? '''Lolicron'''!!! She is the embodiment of many things /tg/ loves and, as such, became [[/tg/|/tg/'s]] next [[Cultist-chan|obsession]]. Apparently, her real name is Catherine. Or Cathy.

Warning: though she is millions of years old, she's still [[HERESY|illegal to bang under imperial law]]. But if you're reading this, you're already a heretic anyway!

==Board Origins==
During a thread in early May 2009, an anon posted an image drawn by [[Drawfag|Lolcron]]. Unfortunately, he mistook his name for "Lolicron" (which appeared to be a play on [[lolicon]]). At first it seemed to be just an unusually lulzy mistake. Inevitably though, /tg/ cried out to the drawfags to make it happen. Thank the Emperor their cries didn't go unanswered.

==History==
In June 2009, the drawfag WCKD blessed Cutiecron with a family, namely [[Papalith]] and [[Heavy-chan]].

As of 2018 she's had [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJL70Lvt8OI a wildly successful singing career,] with the single ''Anew''.

As of 2020 HappyDuck3D[https://www.patreon.com/HappyDuck3D] has created Cutiecrons warriors available as .stl files. No news yet on if her sisters will also get models, but stay tuned.

==Gallery==
A suprising amount of [[Drawfag|Jo]] here.

<center><gallery>

Image:Lolicron02.jpg|In a world of crapsack, a rare daaaw.
Image:Lolicron03.jpg|A different interpretation.
Image:Lolicron11.png|Aww, look at how much fun she's having with this Eldar guy. Oh, wait...
Image:Cutseycron.png

Image:Lolincron06.png|Well, not in some countries, it doesn't.
Image:Lolicron07.jpg
Image:Lolicron08.jpg
Image:Aec04937366d716d44b98b208059e3d2-1-.png
Image:Lolicron10.jpg
Image:Lolicron09.jpg|Starting to look more like Moecron.
File:FUCK.jpg|Friends forever.
Image:Necron_by_Android_Arts.jpg|Gaussslinger Girl
Image:Lolicron06.gif
</gallery></center>

[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]]
[[Category: /tg/ Fan Characters]]
[[Category:Necrons]]
[[Category:NSFW]]
[[Category:Loli]]

Lofn

2022-04-23T19:03:30Z

2001:67C:2628:647:12:0:0:234: Removing edit war tag, as it seems to be over.

{{Story}}
[[Image:Lofn.jpg|thumb|right]]

'''Lofn''' is a cute lil' bugger created due to some perverse self-loathing on the part of fa/tg/uys where they AGREED DAMN IT that having a half eldar spawn of [[Love Can Bloom|LCB]] would just push things into an ocean of bad, but then they did it anyway cause we're kind of retarded and damn it, it's cute anyway and turned out much better than we anticipated. Lofn, in Scandinavian mythology, is the goddess of forbidden love, aptly named, according to the Anon who named her, since the entire LIIVI/Taldeer thing is pretty (wee)taboo to begin with anyway.

Concerning her /tg/ related lore, she has the terrifying ability to render anything completely docile without giving it a second thought. Some fa/tg/uys claim it to be a synapse aura like that of the Tyranid hivemind, but on a much smaller scale. She tends to travel with a small group of Tyranids or local wildlife as her retinue and travels across planets either via webway or hiding aboard trade ships.

[[Warhammer 40,000: Rogue Trader|Older GW lore]] does contain one example of an Eldar-Human hybrid, [[Illiyan Nastase]], and he is a [[Wat|chief librarian astropath]] of the ultrasmurfs, no less. That said, from a canon standpoint the two species interbreeding shouldn't be possible considering the more recent information from xenology implying that the Eldar's equivalent of a digestive and lymphatic systems are somehow powered by their psychic mind (these systems are anatomically incapable of functioning based on their biology alone, making a psychic explanation likely). In addition to this not only do Eldar have a much more complex chromosome analogue, they have way more of these "mega-somes" than humans have chromosomes. Even on top of THAT, there's the differences in reproductive methods, with Eldar males depositing more genetic material over a long period of time and many sessions, as opposed to humanity's one step conception. The breeding methods are not an anatomical difference, though. Eldar just have to bang a lot to get anywhere because of their low birthrate they accepted for increased psychic power. Look, I ain't saying Lofn is a daemon, but some serious biological or genetic [[Fabius Bile|fuckery]] was needed for her to even be born. There are eldar human hybrids in [[Commorragh]] ,but then again there is some serious [[Haemonculus|biological AND genetic fuckery]] there.

In Dawn of War Retribution it is firmly believed that the 'Good End/Epic End' is a combination of the Space marine and Eldar endings. Lofn is said to have escaped before Taldeer's death/soulstone transmission, her current whereabouts are unknown. Probably still searching for Daddy [[LIIVI]] though. '''''"NO I WON [[Gorgutz|!!!!!!!!]]"'''''

She's also usually depicted with a Tyranid Ripper as a pet of sorts. Said Ripper may or may not have eventually evolved into [[Unyuufex]].

==Writefaggotry!==
Six years.

Only six years had passed while she searched for her lost love. To one blessed with a lifespan as long as hers, a century was no more than another start of a new set of seasons. But now everyday seemed to last an eternity.

For six years had he been gone. She only kept hope of finding him by his nightly whispers in her dreams. She knew in her mind that he was most likely dead. His death was likely brutal, to be tortured until he confessed or finally died of his wounds after being brought back from death time and again until he would admit to heresy. She knew he would never make a sound if he thought to do so would betray her. He would rather die. She tried to keep that knowledge outside of her head, instead believing in the tiny spark of hope that her heart clung onto.

For six years she had remained vigilant in her search. Even after their daughter, their beautiful, beautiful daughter had been born. She couldn’t believe her father who had in all of his life only shown compassion to her mother before her untimely death had warmly held his grandchild after her birth. Her elder sister and apprentice had been much more open and vocal. The child was a living miracle. A half breed should have been born a genetic monster, lucky to survive in the womb until birth at all. Yet fate was to be kind and gifted her a tiny being of love even the writers and watchers of her universe couldn’t help but melt at. Finally, after so long there was a tiny star whose light had the power to eventually touch and pierce the darkness of the galaxy. Her love had to be alive to see their tiny star, he just had to.

She was roused from her thoughts when her daughter snuggled deeper into her breast with a small sniffle as if she could feel her mother’s distress. Quickly she began slowly running her fingers through her child’s hair, making soft cooing noises. Her daughter quickly calmed and the small, alien organism beside her pillow let out a relieved ‘[[unyuufex|unyuu]]’ and promptly fell back asleep. She smiled faintly before snuggling closer to her offspring and began singing a soft lullaby her own mother had sang to her and her sister as children. It is not something that can ever be described by words, human or eldar. Nor could the level of emotional and physical safety felt by both parties ever be quantified. Before the mother fell asleep to her own lullaby and her daughters soft, steady breathing, she could almost see her lover lying on the other side of the bed holding both her and her daughter. She even saw that he was at ease, for the first time in his life he seemed at peace.

Taldeer smiled softly and gently kissed her little girl's forehead.

“Goodnight Lofn, we’ll find your daddy tomorrow.”

It was something she always said to keep their hopes up and she took one last look at the ghostly image of her lover before falling asleep. Though she was asleep, the apparition did not disappear. The scarred man got up and leaned over his lover and longingly stroked her lips and brushed his own with those same fingers. He then kissed his daughter’s forehead exactly where her mother did and slowly got out of bed and stood. He took a few minutes to watch over the two as they slept and finally let out a sad smile.
“Goodbye… I love you both.”

LIIVI slowly vanished, the wisp of his smile being the last to finally smoke away inside the room’s breezeless air. He would be waiting for them.

==Alternate Ending by Kvist:==

LIIVI slowly vanished, the wisp of his smile being the last to finally smoke away inside the room’s breezeless air. He would be waiting for them....but not for quite as long as he had envisioned. As the first rays of sunlight pierced the room after another yet long, restless sleep, Taldeer's eyes fluttered open. There was an aura present in the room, an all-too familiar one. The well-toned yet scarred arms protectively wrapped around both her and Lofn was secondary to the all-encompassing presence that flooded every single one of her senses. Glancing to her left was only a formality, as she had no doubt as to who this man was the moment her mind awakened.

With a hasty, uncoordinated movement rarely seen in the otherwise graceful eldar, she leapt on top of LIIVI and frenziedly smothered him with all manners of affection. She planted innumerable kisses on his lips, his neck, and his chest all the while holding him so tightly she nearly risked taking him from this mortal coil once again. LIIVI's eyes were half-lidded and he was seemingly in a daze, but this did not deter his eldar lover from lavishing upon him six years of pent-up emotion. Tears began flowing freely from her eyes and heavy sobs wracked her body. She could only choke out a solitary word in the midst of her ravishment of the seemingly resurrected human.

''"How?!"''

LIIVI finally came to, the voice of his lover fully anchoring him to the present. He blinked slowly before quickly wrapping his arms desperately around her back and ass, flipping their positions on the bed. On top of her now, his breathing ragged and desperate, he too ravished his long-lost lover with his lips and hands, the climax of the past six years of his existence as a formless specter finally coming to a head.

The flushed lovers, still firmly in the throes of desperate love, took yet another moment to catch their breath after what seemed like an eternity of passion. LIIVI again blinked slowly, finally processing her early question. The former Vindicare Assassin in his previous life was stoic and was not one to waste words - time was always fleeting, and one was taught by his Imperium masters to only deign to speak at the behest of the mission's success. This LIIVI, however, was thoroughly tongue-tied for another reason entirely.

''"I...I don't know...but...mayb-"'' LIIVI was cut off as his Eldar lover yet again silenced him with a passionate kiss, their lips meeting with a spark only possible from a love rekindled.

''"Maybe there are still miracles in this universe of ours..."'' Taldeer intoned as she looked deeply in her lover's eyes, still as blue as the day she first saw them in juxtaposition to the harsh tones of Kronus all those years ago.

''"Auntie Macha always says I'm a miracle too! Mommy, who's this man? Ripper likes him!"'' Lofn exclaimed, now fully awake by the events of the morning. On the pillow next to her, the small alien organism was hopping up and down, releasing a chorus of excited squeaks, gurgles, and unyuus. LIIVI locked eyes with Taldeer and then his daughter and tears began flowing down his scarred face. He wordlessly reached out to her and as he had so many nights before, tentatively ruffled her hair. The girl giggled at his touch. Taldeer was the first to speak.

''"Lofn...this...this is your father."''

Far off, a man on a throne nodded once to a woman in a rusted and rotted cage, all was right once more.

(no grimdark and sadness in lcb universe, kthx)

==Other Stories:==
*[[Bedroom Infiltration]] -Lofn "infiltrates" her parents' room at a rather unfortunate time. Here be voyeurism and PROMOTIONS.
*[[Innocence Lost]] - Lofn finds her first love, much to the dismay of her [[Macha|aunt]]
*[[Adventure Time 40k]] - shows up towards the end as a Sister of Battle.

==Images==

<center><gallery>
Image:Taldeer_and_Lofn_by_canon.png|That's what Lofn should have looked like by GW canon
Image:Lofn_and_Ripper_2.png|Isn't /tg/ canon more awesome?
Image:Lofn_and_Ripper.png|[[Dawww|Awesomer than awesomest awesome?]]
Image:Lofn_and_Mek.jpg
Image:Lofn_Angryfist.jpg
Image:Lofn_Froggy.jpg
Image:Lofn_Handshake.png
Image:Lofn_and_Tyratoro_or_sth_and_sth.png
Image:Lofn_and_Rippers.png| Oh Chink
Image:Lostfn_Part_1_by_Mr_Culexus.jpg
Image:Lostfn_Part_2_by_Mr_Culexus.jpg
Image:1228740672287.png|Possible bad ending
Image:1220369155340.jpg| An Imperial Artist's approximation of what an actual half-Eldar spawn would look like.
Image:1255136711848.jpg|[[Warhammer 40,000: Rogue Trader|Loltrader]] canon proofs that a Half-Eldar would not be a living abortion. And an UltraSmurf at that! (unless he got lucky in birth roulette)
Image:Lofn_all_growed_up_still_adorable.jpg|Lofn, aged a few years.
Image:LCB Family Picture.jpg|A Family Portrait.
Image:LofnInterwebs.jpg|Lofn finds her mother's homemade porn.
Image:LofnxLelith.jpg|Lelith's not exactly her aunt, but she totally knows what's up
Image:Don't_look_at_me_like_that.jpg|Drazhar came to babysit Lofn. Even though he tries his best (and he's good at it), the kid doesn't appreciate that...for now.
Image:Giddyu.jpg|Told you she'd like it.
Image:Youthiswastedontheyoung.jpg
Image:Family bonding.jpg|And this is why Macha isn't allowed to babysit anymore.
Image:LofnFarseer.jpg|Despite everything, she actually turns out to be a pretty damn good Farseer
Lofn (k).jpg
</gallery></center>

==Promotions==
{{Promotions}}
[https://baraag.net/@DontLookSee/104926465299618652 NSFW Art.]

[[Category:Stories]] [[Category:Warhammer 40,000]] [[Category: /tg/ Fan Characters]] [[Category:Stories/Love Can Bloom]] [[Category:Dawww]] [[Category:Stories/Warhammer 40,000]] [[Category:Eldar]]

Loli Daemonette

2022-04-23T19:03:10Z

2001:67C:2628:647:12:0:0:234: Removing edit war tag, as it seems to be over.

{{heresy}}
{{sick|It's a loli. The Adeptus Arbites are already en route to your location.}}
[[Image:Loli D.png|thumb|right]]'''Loli Daemonette''', commonly shortened to '''Loli D.''', is the name given to a [[Slaanesh]]i [[daemonette]]. Who is a [[loli]]. Original, we know, oh yes, and enjoys molesting and generally mistreating her sister.

The term is also used for daemons dedicated to other [[Chaos Gods]], but Slaanesh is the only god to employ daemoettes in a prepubescent female shape. Nurgle's daemonettes in particular seem 16-18 years old, either because Papa Nurgle would rather not encourage paedophilia among his followers, or because he can't tell the difference between prepubescent children and blobs of embryo and placenta.
:''Pfft, now that [[Malal]] is weaseling his way back into the canon, you might as well make some daemonettes for him if you're gonna do it for Khorne. Don't forget the black makeup and razorblades though.

==Gallery (of Slaaneshi Loli D)==
<center><gallery>
Image:Loli-daemonette_(14).png
Image:Loli D Commissar.png|Lack of Heresy? blam! (tee-hee)
Image:1197602511621.jpg|lucky loli stars
Image:1190309886953.jpg|Loli D and her boyfriend [[Kharn]]
Image:Loli-demon1.jpg
Image:Loli-demon2.jpg
Image:Loli-demon3.jpg
Image:Loli-demon4.jpg
Image:Loli-daemonette_(18).png|She does look good in it though.
Image:Loli-daemonette_(1).png
Image:Loli-daemonette_(6).png
Image:Loli-daemonette_(8).png|Cens.
Image:Loli-daemonette_(9).jpg|Yeah. She told me that too. But did cops believe it? Nope.
Image:Loli-daemonette(25).png
Image:LolimonetteNdaemonette.png
Image:Arrowsuit.jpg|Tzeentch changed the loli to see what she'd look like as an adult. Sad Khârn is sad.
</gallery></center>

==Gallery for the other Chaos Gods==
<center><gallery>
Image:Loli-daemonette_(17).jpg|Khornettes are also called "bloodletter-chan".
Image:khornette2.png
Image:khornette3.png
Image:Khornette.jpg

Image:Khornette_mounted.jpg|"Can I borrow the car, dad?"
Image:Loli-daemonette_(16).png|"St-stupid Pretty Marine, it's not as if I like you or anything..."
Image:Loli-daemonette_(13).png
Image:Loli-daemonette_(15).jpg|Pedos are so easy to manipulate.

Image:Loli-daemonette_(12).jpg|working up a swea-- OH GOD WHAT IS THAT STENCH?
Image:Loli-daemonette_(4).png|She's younger than she looks, but she's got more diseases than a 70-year old whore.
Image:Loli-daemonette_(5).jpg

Image:Loli-daemonette_18.png|Don't hug her too tightly, those buboes are ready to erupt
Image:LoliTzeenette.png
Image:Malalette.png|The newest addition to the gaggle, as well as the... oldest? What's this hag doing here!?
</gallery></center>

==See Also==
[https://baraag.net/@DontLookSee/104926376761650936 NSFW Art]

[[Category:Chaos]][[Category:Daemons]][[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Loli]]

Warhammer 40,000/Tactics/Mechanicum (30k)

2022-04-23T19:02:33Z

2001:67C:2628:647:12:0:0:234: Removing edit war tag, as it seems to be over.

These are the 6th/early 7th edition rules, for tactics regarding the current rules, look here: [[Warhammer_40,000/Tactics/Mechanicum:_Taghmata_(30k)|Mechanicum: Taghmata (30k)]]

Ave Omnissiah!

== Why Play The Mechanicum? ==

You've seen the models, right? For the first time since Rogue Trader, the followers of the Machine God can finally take to the field en masse! You can embody the grimdark universe of Warhammer 40,000 (30,000?) with your exotic Martian death-rays, terrifying Battle Automata and horrific Cybernetic monstrosities.

Also? Robots.

The Mechanicum is a curious force as it consists of several lists (currently two) representing different Ordos, and one for Taghmata (The vanilla). Each list is fairly small, with limited unit choices, but a large amount of flexibility within many of these units. Each new Horus Heresy source book from Forge World would seem to be adding new units or lists to create an ever-expanding range to choose from. Be warned; This is a slippery slope that may result in the loss of financial security, family & friends and house & home...

Also, '' '''BIG''' Robots''!

Unusually for Forge World, the Mechanicum is one of the cheapest armies to get in to. It's possible to start an army with a single Magos, and a pair of Castellax or small Thallax Cohorts.(Adesecularis if you really want to break the mould!)The army lists, whilst capable of standing alone, are intended to be used as allies for the Legion army list. As a starting point for a new army, this is ideal, as you need even less to get have something you can field. The Mechanicum units provide you with some unique possibilities for conversions, too. Take a cursory glance around coolminiornot or a painting forum and you'll find some damn fine examples. Of course, if this is not your thing, Forge World's own models are more than capable of satisfying any model fanatic.

Gameplay wise, you are universally hard as nails. There are only 3 models with 1 wound, 1 of which has a 3+ save, another T5, another dirt cheap and full of upgrades, all of which can benefit immensely from FNP. However with a handful of exceptions your models are somewhat pricey, a number are a steal for how effective they are but nevertheless when all you can do is choose between a variety of pretty expensive choices (with one, very notable exception), which you will almost certainly dump more points on top. Tough as you are, this is primarily a crutch for the vast the majority of your army is short range, though you hardly lack in long range if you wanna dollop in some points here and there.

It should be noted, that there are currently three different lists, Reductor, Legio Cybernetica and Taghmata. The main question is why you would pick one over the others? This mostly applies to Taghmata and Legio-Cybernetica - Reductor is really limited right now (despite the books promising to expand upon it), but if the Forgeworld weekender (as of February 2015) has shown some very interesting vehicles that look like they would be in the jurisdiction of a siege-cult, but as of now there really is only so much you can do with Thallax. As for the other two, The Legio-Cybernetica possess Archmagos which allow for more reliable Cybertheurgy and making it hardier, Castellax can be used to fulfill minimum troop requirements, all Automata may use 4" Coherency (Ferrox Thallax pale in comparison to Ursarax for melee). Finally the Taghmata is meant to be the Vanilla, but saying this is "Vanilla" AdMech wouldn't be doing the Taghmata justice. It has everything the first two books have and more. Generally, this is a "go-to" if you're not sure and if you are sure you'll probably pick up Tahgmata as well, but they're limited in other ways, not being able to fill the minimum Troops requirement or a Land Raider not being a Dedicated Transport for example.

Another thing that should be noted is that the Mechanicum have Characters (not Independent Characters) that may or may not be able to join units depending on what you and your gaming group agrees on, see discussion page for more detail, but currently there's no official answer on whether they can or can't.

==Special Rules==

===Armoury of the Omnissiah===
Being a heresy era list, we get some funky wargear that's not found in later eras/outside of the hallowed halls of the machine god. Augments may also be a thing.

====Ranged Weapons====
*'''Archaeotech Pistol:''' Ancient, S6 AP3 Master-crafted pistol. Runs on the pricey side, but good for mincing Power Armored troops.
*'''Conversion Beam Weapons:''' Could be seen as inverse Melta, inflicting greater damage at longer ranges. The only two difference between the heavy and regular version is the former has the '''Firing Calibration''' rule, which means the unit has to remain stationary in order to fire, even if it is Relentless or a Vehicle. How often are you going to get to fire it at 42" range on a standard 48"x72" table? On a corner it has [[FATAL|60% of the table in a S10 AP2 Large Blast killzone]] (not accounting for Line of sight). Get to both corners and then, yeah, pretty much [[Just_as_planned|you can always fire some S10 on the enemy's deployment zone]].
*'''Graviton Weapons:''' Not to be confused with [[Grav-Weaponry|Grav-weapons]]; their wounding mechanism has nothing to do with the enemy's armour save. These Heavy weapons (not Salvo) possess no Strength, but have both Concussion and Haywire effects. They also have a curious way of causing wounds by forcing the enemy to roll D6; if the result is above their Strength they take a wound - a result of 6 always causes a wound. [[Fail|So they are effectively Strength 3]], wounding GEQs on 4+, and MEQs on 5+, making it largely ineffective against infantry blobs. Its redeeming trait is that it also creates Difficult and Dangerous terrain in its blast radius, so it can at least severely impede their movement.
*'''Graviton Imploders:''' The 40k grav-guns you're used to. Trouble with Terminators? Belial-led Deathwing got you down? Accept no substitute! These are Salvo 2/4 AP2 grav guns, so the roll to wound mirrors the armor save of the target, with 18" range. So now you can have it both ways. It has problems when faced with large blobs with poor/no armour, but those things are generally easily killed by everything else, so it balances out.
*'''Las-Lock:''' The Minie-Ball muzzle-loaded Rifle to the Lasguns AK47. Shorter 18" range and fewer shots at Assault 1, but packs a nasty S4 AP6 punch. Of course, as of current, AP6 is completely useless, but S4 however is not. Taghmata Tech-thralls may take Induction Chargers, giving them an additional shot, which could really give the edge against likely smaller units of Marines or Imperial Army infantry.
*'''Mitra-Lock:''' The Scattergun of the Las Family. It's an [[Derp|8" range]] Las-lock, but it gains Shred.
**'''Induction chargers:''' An optional attachment to ''both'' Las-locks AND Mitra-locks (HH3, p. 221) it upgrades them to Assault 2.
*'''Maxim Bolter:''' Assault bolters with 50% more shots but 50% less range. Too bad it's Assault instead of a Pistol, so it doesn't give you +1 attack or the ability to fire it Gunslinger style, while still having a measly 12" range.
*'''Mauler Bolt cannon:''' Spiced-up Heavy bolter, with S6 AP3 Pinning, but keeping the short-ranged trend at only 24".
*'''Photon Weapons''' Funky disco-light ray guns that have Gets Hot!, AP2, and Blind. Comes in these sizes:
**'''Photon Gauntlet''': 12" S5 Assault 2.
**'''Photon Thruster''': 48" S6 Heavy 2, Lance.
**'''Photon Cannon''': 60" S7 Heavy 2, Lance.
*'''Plasma Fusil:''' S6 AP3 Salvo 2/3 plasma that doesn't get hot. Since most of our dudes get Relentless, Salvo isn't really a concern. They are terrifyingly efficient marine wood-chippers.
*'''(I)Rad Weapons''' Operating somewhat similar to the space marine's atomic munitions, these are what you get if you rip out a cathode ray tube from an old television and soup them up. They shoot [[Awesome|''Fleshbane templates'']], and even if the enemy survives he'll die later of space-cancer, represented in crunch by '''Rad-phage''', which means unsaved wounds leave the model with a Toughness and Strength penalty [[FATAL|''for the rest of the battle'']]. They come in Lucifex (pistol), Cleanser (assault) and Engine (Heavy) sizes, and the largest one gets [[Rape|Torrent and AP3]].
*'''Rotor Cannon:''' Basically a Salvo Lasgun. Most of the things that can take it are Relentless, so it's a nice way to add volume of fire, but more importantly, at 30" range. They're still S3, so don't make any illusions.
*'''Volkite Weapons''' Ancient ray guns that date back to the Age of Strife, they were in the process of being replaced by the bolter as the preferred weapon of the Space Marines due to difficulties in production and maintenance. Volkite weapons have the 'Deflagrate' special rule, which means each unsaved wound caused inflicts another automatic hit! They come in five flavours, Serpenta (pistol), Charger (Assault 2), Caliver (Heavy 2), Culverin (Heavy 4) and the monster Carronade (S8 with Haywire and a beam effect that lets it hit everything in a straight line in front of it). They have 15" range increments, so the Culverin is 45", but the Charger only 15", and most only have AP5.

====Melee weapons====

*'''Corposant Stave:''' A stun baton cranked up to 11. Str +1 AP4 Concussive and Two-handed weapon, that uses Haywire instead when hitting vehicles.
*'''Paragon Blade:''' +1S AP2 Specialist melee weapon ''without'' Unwieldy that inflicts Instant Death on a wound roll of 6. Archmagos Prime exclusive, but unless he is a Malagra, he has better things to do rather than being stuck in melee. And even there, being only I3 he's better off with a chainfist.

====Equipment & Special Rules====

*'''Abeyant:''' A special ride for your Magos, this grants 1 Wound, Move Through Cover, Very Bulky, IWND and Hardened Armor (re-rolls failed armour saves from template or blast weapons, but reduces charge, sweep advance and run moves by -1" and counts as Void Hardened in ZM). You'll always want them, but keep in mind that they are rather pricey.
*'''Augury Scanner:''' No unit can infiltrate within 18" of the unit. In addition, grants Interceptor to the unit's Rapid fire & Heavy weapons but only against enemies ''within 18" of an Augury scanner''. That last part is incredibly important, turning this from an auto-include item to highly-situational, namely, to keep someone from infiltrating with a melta near your tanks' rear AV. But don't expect much against Terminators.
*'''Battlesmith:''' If a Battlesmith is in base contact with, or embarked upon, one or more damaged vehicles during the Shooting phase, they can attempt to repair on of them instead of firing a weapon. On a D6 roll of 5+ you may do one of the following: 1) Restore a lost Hull Point 2) Repair a Weapon Destroyed result 3) Repair an Immobilized result to the attendant vehicle. If a Weapon Destroyed result is repaired, that weapon can be fired in the following Shooting phase.
*'''Cyber Occularis:''' Like servo skulls, but they're actually models now. They're Jetpack infantry, bought as equipment by Magi and must deploy with him, but afterwards they can wander off on their own. They don't take up any transport space, but can only ride vehicles when accompanying their Magos. All models of the same detachment within 3" of them gain Interceptor, and enemies within 12" get their cover saves reduced by 1. Nice combo with Thallax. Unfortunately, they can't join units, but they have a 3+ save and Stealth, so bubble wrap them inside other units. Hilariously, having BS3 and a TL Laspistol they're better at shooting than guardsmen.
*'''Djinn-skein:''' Comboes quite nice with cyber-occularis. You can designate one unit within 6" of your Magos or any of his cyber-occularis to gain +1 BS, including your own Magos, and Barrage weapons can draw line of sight from them. It also prevents the scattering of units that arrive within 6" of your Magos.
*'''Cortex Controller:''' Any unit with a model within 12" of a guy with Cortex Controller no longer suffer/benefit from Programmed Behavior. This is phase based, so things like running, consolidating, etc., can take them out of range during a turn.
**If the guy has a cortex controller and the Battlesmith rule, they can repair wounds on Battle Automata with the same repair roll. Hand out these to your Magi and Techpriests and watch your Castellax never fucking die.
*'''Cyber familiar:''' +1 to your invuln save, up to 3++, and lets you reroll failed tests other than Ld and Dangerous terrain.
*'''Infravisor:''' Gain Night Vision, but Blind tests are taken at I1. Not that you have such high I to begin with.
*'''Mechanicum Protectiva:''' Iron Halo for Magos.
*'''Nuncio Vox:''' ''Older pattern of the current Locator Beacon''. Radio backpack that prevents the scatter of models that Deep strike 6" near the vox user AND allows Barrage weapons to use the carrying model's line of sight (range is still measured from the firing model).
*'''Servo-Arm:''' Models with the Battlesmith special rule may add +1 to their Repair roll result. May also make one additional Str 8 AP 2 Unwieldy attack in melee.
*'''Machinator Array:''' Models with the Battlesmith special rule may add +2 to their Repair roll result. Adds +1 to wielder's Toughness and provides Night Vision. Also comes with flamer and inferno pistol, which you can shoot both in the same shooting phase, or one of them and one of your other ranged weapons. May also make two additional Str +1 AP2 Shred Unwieldy Armourbane attacks in melee.
*'''Lorica Thallax:''' Thallax armor, grants them a 4+ save and FnP(6), but prevent them from Sweep Advancing.

*'''Lumbering Advance:''' Models with this rule cant Run or make Sweep Advances.

====Vehicle and Battle Automata Equipment & Rules====

*'''Anbaric Claw:''' Electroshock ram that can be used once per player turn. S5 AP4 Rending at I10, but it hits ''all'' units near 1" of the hull (except for transported units). It also hits Ramming/ed vehicles.
*'''Atomantic Shielding:''' The same as Legion Contemptors, 5++ save against shooting and explosions, 6++ against melee. If the battle automata explodes, add D6" to the radius.
*'''Battle Automata Power Blades:''' AP2 Rending weapons. Being MCs, Battle Automata melee attacks are already AP2, so the main use for them is the extra attack (because they are counted as a weapon) and, with some luck, some armor penetration due to Smash getting worse in 7th Ed.
*'''Blessed Autosimulacra:''' Weaker version of IWND for vehicles, regaining a HP on a 6.
*'''Cybernetica Cortex:''' The Battle automata's synthetic brain, which takes them from mere battle [[servitor]]s to [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Terminator_(character_concept)| T-100] stats. Since "Battle Automata" doesn't exist as a rule, this is what usually identifies them as such. It grants them '''Fearless''', '''Adamantium Will''', '''Cybernetic Resilience''' and '''Programmed Behaviour'''.
**'''Programmed Behavior:''' Unless within 12" of a friendly model with a Cortex Controller or already locked in combat, the following restrictions are placed on the units:
***'''Methodical:''' May not make Sweeping Advances or Run.
***'''Fire Protocols:''' The battle automata may fire up to three of its weapons at the same target. ''A straight upgrade, since you weren't running anyway, and an incentive to move your Magos out of range on purpose. It's not a game changer, though: At close range you get to fire an extra bolter, or both flamers on top of your primary, but that's about it. Voraxes benefit more; firing 8 S3 shots backed up by S7 Rending/Shred is a noticeable upgrade to their dakka, and gives them an easier time making units flee in the upcoming assault phase''.
***'''Target Priority:''' If an enemy model is within 12" and in line of sight during the shooting phase, the Battle Automata must fire all its weapons against the closest enemy unit it is able to harm. If there is no enemy model within 12", they are free to select targets as usual.
***'''Onslaught:''' If an enemy model is within 12" during their assault phase, the Battle Automata must attempt to charge the closest enemy unit. Note that the Battle Automata may still only charge the same unit it fired at in the Shooting Phase. If consolidating after combat, they must do so towards the nearest enemy model if there is one within 12". ''The most noticeable "disadvantage" of unaccompanied automata, if enemies with Meltabombs or tarpits get within 12" range, that's it, you're facing them in CC instead of doing something more useful''.
**'''Cybernetic Resilience:''' Succesful wounds scored by Poisoned weapons must be rerolled, but Haywire wounds them on a separate D6 roll of a 6, all kind of saves allowed. They also reroll Fleshbane wounds, but don't expect much from that.

*'''Enhanced Targeting Array:''' +1 BS, and reduces enemy cover save by 1.

*'''Flare Shield:''' Front facing force field that reduces the strength of incoming frontal shots by -1. Template/Blast weapons get a -2S reduction instead, but melee/Destroyer hits are unaffected.
*'''Paragon of Metal:''' If a cortex makes BA like T-100, this makes them like Skynet herself. Paragons of Metal aren't subject to Programmed Behavior and gain IWND and Rampage, but never count as Scoring and if Cybertheurgy fails on them they go full rampant, becoming Malifica instead of rolling on the mishap table.
*'''Reactor Blast:''' When killed, Battle Automata Explode! on a D6 roll of 6.
*'''Siege Wrecker:''' Specialist Castellax CCW. S10 AP2 with Concussive and Wrecker, which enables it to re-roll building penetration and adds +1 to the Building Damage chart.
*'''Shock chargers:''' Adds 'Concussive' to all melee attacks, including Smash and Hammer of Wrath hits.

====Relics of the Dark Age of Technology====
So, new book gave us couple of new toys!
*'''Cortica Primus''' Nice piece of equipment! Counts as Cortex Controller which gives you ability to cast those awesome Cybertheurgy spells on ENTIRE unit of Battle-automata, but if you roll Mishap, its result is modified by +1 for every additional model in a unit (so a unit of 3 would have a +2 modifier). But anyway, treat it just like overpriced Cortex Controller, because Relics can only be taken by Independent Characters, and I don't remember Magos Dominus being Indep, or Magos Prime having Cybertheurgy special rule. Really, FW? (Emailed FW about this a little while ago, they said they were going to give the Dominus access to this item, and Independent Character in a future update. Ave Omnissah.)
*'''Contagium Mechanica''' Scary sentient computer virus came to destroy enemies of Omnissiah! Well, at least their vehicles. It is a 12" Assault 1, Haywire weapon. If vehicle survives this DEVASTATING hit, then it starts to spread the virus itself. In each of your subsequent Shooting phases, each vehicle within 12" of the survivor (and the survivor itself) takes a hit from the weapon. Every vehicle that survives then become infected, and everything goes round 'n round until there are no more tanks to destroy... Awesome.

===Warlord Traits===
All generic Mechanicum Warlords from all three lists have the option of getting a Warlord trait from one of the charts in the main rulebook, or rolling on their own unique chart:

#'''Master of Mechanism:''' Select one MC unit OR vehicle squadron with at least one AV12 or more side in the same detachment. This unit/squadron gets It Will Not Die. ''Generally the best one. It gives the best part of Paragon of Metal to a whole unit''.
#'''Perfected Targeting:''' In the Shooting phase, select a Heavy weapon within 6" of the Warlord. The weapon counts as Twin-linked for the turn. ''This can be done every turn. Generally agreeable as any Mechanicum army will have many heavy weapons. More useful for Dominus than for Prime's though''.
#'''Predictive Augury:''' The Warlord and the unit he is joined to hit on 5 and 6 for Overwatch. ''In some setups, this is incredible (Magos Prime), in others, useless (Magos Dominus)''.
#'''The Death of Flesh:''' All units in the detachment have Preferred Enemy (Infantry - All Types) while within 3" of an objective. ''Combined with Hatred on Tech-thralls and you have some pretty nice melee blobs''.
#'''Dread Rites:''' The Warlord and the unit he is joined cause Fear and are immune to it. They also receive the Adamantium Will special rule. ''Quite powerful for a Malagra melee Archmagos''.
#'''Battlefield Analysis:''' After deployment but before the game begins, can select a piece of terrain in the opponent's deployment zone and reduce its cover save by -1. ''Can stack to ludicrous levels with the myriad of other cover-reducing options your army has''.

===Cybertheurgy===
[[Omnissiah|Psychic powers for machines]]. WHERE IS YOUR WHEEL OF CHEESE NOW?!*

In order to successfully use a power, the cybertheurgist must take a Leadership test. Depending on the strength and difficulty of the power, a bonus or penalty may be imposed on the Leadership value of the model making the test (note that this is applied always to the characteristic value being tested, not the dice result [''does it affect Stubborn models?''])
If the test is passed, the power takes effect. If the test is failed , the power does not take effect.
If the test is failed because a double 6 was rolled, the power has both failed and gone awry. Roll immediately on the cybertheurgy mishap table.

*'''Cybertheurgy mishap table'''
**'''1-3 Signal Corruption:''' The target battle automata may only fire snap shots and fights with WS 1 in assaults for the next game turn.
**'''4-5 Corrosive Paradox:''' The target battle automata suffers a wound with no armour or cover saves possible.
**'''6 Malifica:''' The machine spirit rebels and gains self awareness! The battle automata is now destroyed for the purposes of VP's and is no longer part of the controlling players force. If part of a unit, it is separated and placed out of coherency with the unit. The battle automata is still used in the previously controlling players turn, will from now on move towards and shoot at the closest unit each turn and then assault that same unit if able. Both sides may now target the battle automata if they desire.

*'''The Powers of Cybertheurgy'''
**'''Rite of Celerity, Ld Modifier 0:''' Target battle-automata gets +2 Initiative for the duration of the effect.
***Very situational, Castellax and Thanatars don't need it (as it's very hard to wound them in combat except for Primarchs who will still hit first), but Vorax will be at I6, hitting before commanders (except Emperor's Children commanders) and will not be hitting simultaneously as Marines.
**'''Rite of Eternity, Ld Modifier 0:''' Target battle-automata regains 1 wound.
***This isn't that handy, Battlesmith is probably just as likely to go off, but if you really need to heal that Castellax, or don't have a reason to use any other Rite, then there's no reason you cannot use this Rite and Battlesmith (since they aren't mutually exclusive).
**'''Rite of Fury, Ld Modifier -1:''' Target battle-automata gets +2 attacks for the duration of the effect.
***For context, A unit of a Castellax on the charge will mathematically produce 7 S6 (or 1 S6 and 6 S10) AP 2 attacks (1 HoW, 2 normal attacks, 2 charging+rage, 2 from Fury), which in anybodies book is incredible.
**'''Rite of Destruction, Ld Modifier -1:''' Target battle-automata may fire its weapons twice against the same target in its shooting phase, but cannot use ranged weapons in the next shooting phase.
***Useful at long ranges, like firing 4 Darkfire shots or letting loose 16 rotor gun shots at 30" with Voraxes, not to mention planting [[Rape|two Hellex Large Blasts]]. It can be useful at close ranges too by double firing Mauler cannons or flamers, but if you're planning on charging Fury might be better.
****Rules lawyers may be able to overwatch/intercept as they explicitly say it can't fire ''in the shooting phase'', not "not shoot at all".
**'''Rite of Dread Castigation, Ld Modifier -2:''' May ONLY target ENEMY battle-automata. Both sides roll a D6 and add Leadership (Cybertheurgist for the attacker, battle-automata for the defender). Battle-automata suffers a wound with no armour or cover save allowed for each point that the attacker's total exceeds that of the defender.
***Pretty useful as Magos (and especially Archmagos) have much higher Leadership than Battle-automata, making wounds that ignore Battle Automata's usual advantage: their high Toughness. It can help kill Paragons of Metal or Thanatars very quickly. It's worth noting that a mishap can be fairly risky for your Magos, applying a 'Corrosive Paradox' result onto the caster and dealing no damage to the target whatsoever. Use with caution.
**'''Rite of Immolation, Ld Modifier -3:''' Target battle-automata self-destructs. Replace the model with a Large Blast marker. S = Battle-automata's Toughness, AP = Battle-automata's armour save. If a mishap happens while trying to use Rite of Immolation, don't roll on the mishap table, instead the Malifica effect is automatically applied.
***While this one can be hard to pull off, it's amazing when it does. Use on Thanatars who somehow got stuck into combat (as they're usually going to be stuck there for the entire game) for a blast capable of ID'ing marines at AP2, or Castellax for a S7 AP3 blast that'll wipe out the unit they're up against (well worth it for 85 points, especially if you're up against a 250+ pts assault squad).

==Ordo Reductor Unit Analysis==
The Ordo Reductor's initial list, main troop choice and dedicated transport was in HH1: Betrayal and is a campaign allied detachment list when playing an Isstvan 3 re-enactment. At first there was only a unique HQ unit but The Magos Dominus from book two is now available to the Ordo Reductor (and in that army is called a Magos Reductor) and is quite attractive with T5 base. We now have two troops choices (Thallax and Scyllax) but the Thallax are the ones which can take a Mechanicum LR as a DT. We also got some Thanatar heavy support choices (Thanatar-calix and Thanatar-cynis) and a new Domitar-class automata as an elites choice with book 5. One of the biggest draws of this list is the ability to field custom Land Raiders as Dedicated Transports as well as ferrox-enabled thallax. If you're aiming for a mobile, mechanized army with lots of tough high Strength shooting you'll probably like this list, but if you're looking for a general list then you might be better of with the Taghmata as they have the Mechanicum LR (though not as a DT) ''as well as the krios, krios venator and the triaros''. Calleb Decima's 'Castellan Reductor' unit selection is longer than the regular Ordo Reductor and shifts the imperial avenger strike fighter into the fast attack slot, but it's heavily reliant on "stand-ins" from the Legiones Astartes list. Lets hope we see an assortment of "Ordinatus" variants for the Ordo Reductor in the future..

===HQ===
*'''Magos Reductor Caleb Decima:''' ''Probably the most [[Fluff|misrepresented]] character in all of 30k''. His ability to [[Awesome|command enemy tanks]]? [[Rage|Gone]]. His Thallax bodyguard? Replaced by an optional (and hideously expensive) [[Derp|Servitor retinue]]...which don't even help his Battlesmith rolls! But at least he gets a retinue, unlike other Magi. Even his crunch is poorly written. He has Archmagos stats, with one less WS/BS but one more S/I. Having high Initiative and Strength for a Magos, but [[Fail|only WS3]] though thanks to his MC ''Unwieldy'' Poweraxe (which makes him S6), MC Bolt Pistol (for two re-rolls and an extra attack) and his two extra Machinator attacks he's still pretty decent in melee, though with his longest re-usable ranged weapon being a MC Boltpistol he's certainly not a shooty character. So, is he worth it? '''''YES'''''. Because of his special rules, Caleb is an awesome, if somewhat expensive ''support'' HQ, specially when taken as an allied one as the book intends to. Not that he isn't good in a primary detachment either. Unfortunately, unless used as support he's a little awkward to use, being too fragile to go solo and his retinue not having enough dakka. He can add some firepower/melee to a squad, but Thallax lose their mobility advantage when having him ([[Fail|just in case you wanted to be true to the fluff for some silly reason]]). Therefore, the easiest way to use him is having him tend to your siege engines with his Battlesmith and Master of Destruction. With the addition of Tempest he can now be in a unit of Scyllax, which works out much better since, even though his toughness drops by one, all five of his attacks ID MEQ's since the Marines he'll be up against are T3! His special rules are:
**'''Master of Destruction:''' Gives all of his attacks the ''Sunder, Tank Hunters and Wrecker'' Special Rules, but most importantly, he can grant these rules to a nearby Heavy/Ordnance weapon if he doesn't shoot (which he usually wont unless he's near an enemy tank), including his customized Land Raider DT. The best part? It's an inherent rule instead of a Warlord Trait, so you can benefit your Legion stuff when taken as an ally ([[Anal_circumference|MoD Vindicator Destroyer!]]) or combine it with Mechanicum WTs, not to mention helping your Titans.
**'''Curse of the Omnissiah:''' Makes him a death sentence to anything less than a Titan (provided you get a good roll), being able to unleash 2D6 Haywire shots, which means he can [[Awesome|scream a Spartan to death]] on a single turn. This counts as firing a weapon. Unfortunately, it's very difficult to use, being Heavy One Use and having only 18" range. And being ''only'' T5 with a 3+/5++ save and no access to transports with fire points or Relentless (like the Magos Reductor) means Caleb will face danger to use it ''and after'' using it, [[Derp|because it Gets Hot]]. Feel free to move when targeting a flyer, though. If you want to use it you'll probably need staying power, so take a Cyber familiar for a 4++ invuln and an Abeyant for IWND & Hardened Armor.
**'''Castellan Reductor (Campaign only):''' It gives you much needed flexibility, allowing you to add the next entries to your army:
***'''Elites:''' Techmarine Covenant with 'Stubborn' instead of 'Legiones Astartes'. They are meant to [[count as]] Myrmidons...which have been released now, so [[Rules_lawyer|probably]] ''you can field Myrmidons in a Reductor army''.
***'''Fast Attack:''' Avenger Strike Fighter, instead of a Lord of War like normal Reductor lists.
***'''Heavy Support:''' Legion Artillery Tank squadron. ''Now you'll be able to get them without needing Astartes allies''.

*'''Magos Reductor:''' ''Because Caleb can't be everywhere at once''. HH2 gave us a less supportive version of the Legio Cybernetica's Magos Dominus, swapping their [[Omnissiah|machine psychic]] powers for Tank Hunters + Wrecker (which he can't confer to anyone [[Derp|or use effectively]]), fitting our siege theme, while getting access to stuff they don't get (''at last!'') like Rad grenades and up to three Phosphex bombs and Breaching charges. Like all Mechanicum characters, he has a ton of options and can fill a number of roles. Just remember, even if he starts cheaper than Caleb, the costs WILL add up quickly, and he'll need to make back all those points somehow, needing to fulfill multiple roles that are usually mutually exclusive, but you aren't Thagmata, so you must get by using what you get.
**'''Support (i.e. Naked)''': Because not everyone can be a Chapter Master and Ordo Reductor [[Derp|lacks Techpriests]]. The cheapest build, focusing instead in bringing more siege engines and herding your Thanatars around, which are too valuable to have them melee at stuff. Don't even think about getting him guns - his shooting phase will be spent repairing shit, and if he isn't, you're [[DISTRACTION_CARNIFEX|not trying hard enough]]. Too frail? Give him an Aurugy scanner to deny infiltration and stick him in a Thallax bodyguard instead of an Abeyant, maybe give him a Machinator for good measure (+1T, +1 Battlesmith). This means not only he gets some dudes to take hits for him, but you can also bring ''yet another'' Land Raider DT, kited with Lascannons so it can function as another siege engine. ''A LR on the front, two Thanatar at each side, Thallax at the back and the Magos in the middle. [[Get_shit_done|That's your Ordo Reductor list right there]]''. And if you have models in Reserve, you can give the LR an Explorator Web. Doesn't look that cheap, but take into account that you were already going to bring LRs and Thanatars, so ~95 pts total.
**'''Melee:''' Fortunately, you can make your Magos a 4W T6 3+/3++ monster. Model-wise, this is the most expensive loadout, but it's a good way of using the Reductor's exclusive Rad grenades, Phosphex and Breacher charges (10 pts a piece, ouch). Make him an Archmagos with the obligatory Machinator array so you don't have to worry about the breacher charge either scattering or insta-killing you. ''Only 125 pts so far, suck on that Caleb!'' Add invuln for that AP3 weaponry. Maybe also an Abeyant for +1 Wound and sweet IWND. And don't forget the Rad grenades. No guns here, the Machinator's meltagun and flamer are more than enough. However, you can fire the meltagun and another weapon, so throw a Phosphex bomb. Or a Rad-cleanser. And a Breacher charge to treat challengers with non-Unwieldy S8 AP2. Look again, your model now costs ''~205 pts'', not to mention he still needs a retinue, which cost as much as Terminators (but Ferrox Thallax hit hard and Scyllax are customizable and outright scary). ''Srsly, why are you meleeing in a siege list?''
**'''Ranged:''' A normal Reductor with a Photon Thruster/Conversion beamer and Augury Scanner is an interesting tactic and definitely one to consider for your Thanatar-Calix shepherd. It's cheap, makes you durable, and can help bring much needed high Strength/low AP firepower to the field, protect your side from deepstrikers and heal your Thanatar when it needs it, without being unreasonably expensive. You could put this guy in a unit of scyllax when rounding up your Thanatar because he will make them fearless and then their bolters can then fire at deepstrikers as well as the Magos's heavy weapon. ''Just ~100 pts there.''

===Elites===

*'''Domitar Class Battle-Automata Maniple''': Finally, an actual Elites choice! It's essentially a melee automata geared to taking down Monstrous Creatures (aka other Automata), it can also handle vehicles and buildings in equal measure thanks to four attacks at S10 and its WS4 make it so it'll hit all other automata on 3's (even with HoW it's great since get D3 S7 hammer of wrath hits per model (roll once and multiply by number of models)). Shooting wise it's pretty shitty for how much it costs, armed with only a missile launcher with Krak and Ignis missiles (the latter S5, 3" blast ignores cover... but AP6) and can purchase flak missiles which might be the only ones you use since your Air Defense is a little weak. Thankfully it shines even when getting charged thanks to the Graviton Hammers forcing opponents to make disordered charges, and with Crusader you'll be dictating when your charges happen quite often. Interestingly '''Frag-nades''' are purchased at 5 pts per model (essentially mandatory for them), but keep them away from tarpitts (Paragon of metal doesn't help out too much here, and getting hacked apart by a large mob of S6 fearless goons whose entire squad costs probably less than half your model is embarrassing). Don't go thinking that it can take on every monster unit either. Charge a few Castellax with Darkfire Cannons (or even go solo near their Bolt-Cannons) and you'll find that's a 175+ point investment down the drain.
**Normally the price would turn the other groups off from using these as they are extremely expensive, even for very impressive abilities, but since these are the Reductor's only dedicated Close Combat Monster you'll want to use them against the enemies most valuable assets: Tanks, Dreadnoughts, smaller terminator units and HQ. These are the ideal candidate for Paragon of metal as squads would likely perform well, but are too expensive, and as such they function very well on their own.

===Troops===

*'''[[Thallax|Mechanicum Thallax Cohort]]:''' Shock Troops cyborgs invented by the Ordo Reductor and sometimes gifted to other organizations in return for aid and fealty. Thallax are Jet pack Ogryn equivalents, being pretty hardy with T5 and 3 wounds. Their special rule '''Djinn-sight''' impedes infiltration within 24" of them and [[Iron_Warriors|reduces enemy cover]] by 2. Their Lightning guns are somewhat short ranged (18"), but being Jet pack units they move like normal infantry and get a 2d6" jump in the assault phase, so consider Deep-Striking them. Their superb mobility and S7 Rending guns means they are effective against vehicles (even AV14 with some luck), but they don't pump out enough dakka to be much of a threat to infantry. Even though they're WS3, being S5|T5 FnP(6) means they're not too shabby in combat either. Overall pretty damn good but start to cost a lot of points quickly and while they have access to great weapon options, this isn't a fantastic way of picking up a tonne of high strength weaponry. Being Reductor however you don't have a lot of choices, [[Rage|so go figure]]. Furthermore, Thallax can be upgraded with one augmentation. Being their inventor, Reductor Thallaxii have access to all four of them and remain Troops no matter what they choose, but again, keep an eye on their point cost.
**For killing armored targets, buy them '''Destructor''' (''Tank Hunters'') to make sure you get that Rending roll, and ''maybe'' a '''Multi-melta''' too. <s>''But Armoured Ceram-''</s> In ~1500 pts games it's not that easy to Melta-proof all your vehicles, and Fortifications can't get that (and are affected by Melta [p.110 7th E.]). Furthermore it's longer ranged than Lightning guns so you can keep them in the back, and AP1 helps against infantry too. Alternatively, avoid multi-meltas and put those points into Melta bombs instead, which does ignore Armoured Ceramite and ultimately cost the same. Being owned by Dreadnought who takes your Thallax out with one strike of Dreadnought CW before they can use MB sucks, though.
**If you want to deal with flyers, '''Icarian''' is you only way to get ''Skyfire'' weapons. Set them up in a fortification (Skyfire emplaced weapons) and/or buy them Multi-lasers/Photon thrusters, their Djinn-sight screwing up those Jink saves. Otherwise they wont make good use of this rule because of their short ranged Lightning guns, Icarian needing them to stay still taking away their mobility advantage.
**''Against Marines take'' '''Phased-plasma fusils''', terribly efficient marine-wood chippers that effectively become Assault 3 in the hands of your Relentless minions. And being Djinn-sighted, cover won't save them. ''To kill Terminators'', however, '''Photon thrusters''' are your only option. It's the most expensive option, but 2 S6 Blind shots will make a difference, and even MCs (and Primarchs!) might feel more than a sting, all that from 48" away. They're also Lance, but at S6 no one cares, stick to your default guns for tank killing. ''For dealing with light infantry (T3) blobs'', '''Multi-lasers''' are a very cheap way of adding much needed firepower, S6 denying their FnP on top of having long range. '''Irrad-cleansers''' are very useful too, their Fleshbane templates felling scores of poorly armoured enemies, even making tough units take a ton of saves.
**'''Ferrox''' is an interesting upgrade, not only granting ''Rage'', but also making your melee attacks ''Rending''. Pretty mediocre given Thallax, while strong, are not as numerous as you'd like them to be. Synergizing extremely well with Ferrox are '''Heavy Chainblades'''. Their effect is only felt against T3 denying FnP or if they are poorly armoured (S5 already wounding on a 2+), but combined with Ferrox's Rending they improve your chances against 3+ saves and can even kill MCs and AV14! (9 guys shooting and charging averaging [[Spartan_Assault_Tank|5 lost HP]], 3 of them Penetrating). Now there's your melee AND anti-armor option combined. But avoid tarpits because to make their points back these guys need to be always charging, and they can't Sweep Advance.
**'''Empyrite''' is only useful in Zones Mortalis and those environments where aerial deployment is forbidden. That's right, for 25pts all you get is a different way of deep striking.

*'''Scyllax Guardian-Automata Covenant:''' Holy shit [[Awesome|a second Troops choice]]! Just when you thought Forge World forgot about the Ordo Reductor after two and a half fucking years... They did and just gave a blanket statement that these can be taken by everyone, but it's the thought that counts. They are a balanced melee-ish squad, having 2 attacks base that generate an extra attack on a To wound roll of 6. In addition, they can exchange all their attacks (even the extra one for charging) for a Dismemberment attack: [[Rape|+3S AP2]] Unwieldy. They also get some decent firepower in the form of Kraken bolters as standard, one of the longest ranged infantry weapons in the whole Mechanicum, AP4 to boot. Nice. WS3 coupled with Relentless, Move through Cover, Night Vision and the usual Mechanicum stats (T5|2W|I3|4+ save) and the possibility to have up to 16 models means the unit is more than just a tarpit unit. [[Rage|Too bad they cost as much as Terminators]]. Also, like the Servitors they are, they become Fearless when they're within 24" of a Magos...but have to test on their Ld7 to move when away from them, so keep Magi nearby [[Tyranid|to herd them around]]. ''Then why take them?'' Because they come equipped with a '''Rad Furnace''', which means anyone in base contact with them suffers -1T, while they themselves are immune to it, as well immune to Rad grenades (''so they're different/[[Anal Circumference|THEIR EFFECTS CAN STACK]]'') and Poison & Rad-phage [[Mortarion|only affects them on a 6+]]. ''What does this mean for your Reductor army?'' That you should either stick a Rad grenade, Abeyant-equipped Archmagos with them since they will be able to Instant Death MEQ's with their regular attacks and attack the nearest foe with your Relentless, Move through Cover unit that [[meme|doesn't afraid of anything]] (Fearless). Alternatively put Calleb in one since at S6 he won't even need the Rad Grenades to ID MEQ's (''at last, a good unit for him to hang with!'') Terminators on sight? Pfft, Rad Furnace + Dismemberment will finish them off, even if they have [[Grey_Knights|2 Wounds]]. Just remember your Magos isn't immune to Rad, so keep away from Precision strikes and Challenges and buy a Machinator Array. Like all Mechanicum units, they have numerous weapon options, but keep your eyes on the points price.
**If Assault is your ideal strategy, then load up on '''Flamers''' (available to all) and '''Rad-cleansers''' (available to only one in four, sadly). Template weapons can help whittle down a lot of blobs real fast (having that much Wall of Death doesn't hurt if you get counter-charged either).
**If you opt for ranged combat, you'll want the '''Rotor Cannons'''. Sure they're weaker in strength than the '''Volkite Chargers''' but they put out more shots the Volkites and your regular Bolters do, Relentless meaning you get to fire 4 shots at full 30" range. And they're the cheapest option! Even if you're up against 4+ saves, the heightened volume of fire means you'll inflict more wounds than Kraken Bolters.
**As for the other "1-in-X can equip Y" items, they're pretty self explanatory. '''Graviton guns''' help with slowing infantry and dealing with vehicles that got too close, '''Plasma guns''' help with taking out 2+ saves from range (handy if a player puts their Artificer Armour Sergeant in front), and '''Melta guns''' are good for leaving at home because your opponent bought Armoured Ceramite and you have better things to deal with vehicles and 2+ saves.

===Dedicated Transports===

*'''Mechanicum [[Land Raider]]:''' The "Build Your Land Raider" construction kit™. Starting at 195 points you pay for a basic Land Raider chassis, which being Mechanicum comes stock with Blessed Autosimulacra, Anbaric Claw and placeholder weapons (2 Lascannons and a Heavy Bolter, none of them twin linked). Then you can choose any of the dozens of options to kit it out. You can make any and all type of pre- and post-heresy LR's, except Terminus Ultra, Ares or Achilles, and even some homebrew patterns that [[Heresy|don't exist on any sacred blueprints]] (you filthy Heretek). Yes, even [[Awesome|Crusader and Redeemers]]. Sadly, your own troops, being Jet Pack units don't really need transports, and become capped to only 5 models (thus only 1 special weapon), and your allies can't use them. Adding insult to injury, you can't bring standalone Land Raiders like freaking Thagmata can, but ''only take them as DTs''. Better make up for the lost firepower by fielding the very best Land Raiders, like no others ever were.
**You seriously have a broad range of options, though being limited in capacity you'll gravitate to make your Land Raider as tough as possible - 5 thallax can't really use assault launchers (not even Ferrox), and the Explorator Augury Web takes away yet another precious transport slot. Instead, take Armoured Ceramite and Flare shield base, and maybe Extra armour if you feel like it: A neat tactic with the Land Raider is to use it as a mobile wall for Thallax, pop out, shoot, then use your assault move to dash behind it again and grab popcorn as you watch your enemy try to deal with what effectively is AV15/AV16. As for your weapons, you'll need to decide what kind of enemies you want to target and how specialized or tactical you want your Land Raider to be (e.g. Multi-melta + Flamestorm able to tackle both Fortifications and their Marine garrisons). You can't take pintle weapons, that's heresy too.
***Against ''light infantry blobs'' you can not only upgrade your Heavy bolter to twin-linked, but instead buy a Volkite Culverin (Heavy 4|S6|''Deflagrate''). Too bad it's not twin-linked. Phased plasma fusils and Graviton cannons, being TL+AP3/AP4+Dangerous-terrain they will also deliver. As for sponsons, you can mount [[Land_Raider#Crusader_Pattern|Quad-Heavy Bolters]] or [[Land_Raider#Redeemer_Pattern|Flamestorm cannons]] ''absolutely free'', the former being a little better for being twin-linked, having more range and being able to fire them even at Cruising speed - 12 TL shots having to hit something. This means you'll either park it and shoot or dash it forward and burn stuff, Armored Ceramite making it fear nothing.
***Against heavy infantry, namely ''Marines'', the best weapons are the TL Phased plasma fusil and Flamestorm cannon, all those being AP3 and wounding on 2+. Vs ''Terminators'', grab the Plasma cannons and don't move any faster than Combat speed. None of your hull weapons shoots enough AP2 to be a menace, so aim at something else.
***Against ''armored targets'' your hull weapon will be either the tried-and-true Lascannon (long range S9), versatile Graviton cannon (Haywire + Dangerous terrain) or fort-killer Multi-melta (forts can't get Armoured Ceramite). As for sponsons, it's either TL Lascannons or TL Multi-meltas, both hideously expensive at 40 pts. That's too much for upgrading to TL, and Multi-meltas are much cheaper on Thallax, so you might as well just keep your normal Lascannons and have a very tough tank killer.
**Caleb can bring one as a DT, so make it resilient AND tactical. This is the one where you'll be installing that Exploratory Augury Web, rerolling your reserves or screwing the enemy's, while also gaining Scout. And if you roll Master of Mechanisms, that's [[Troll|3 separate chances of regaining an HP]]. Not to mention he can grant Master of Destruction to any of its weapons. So you can Scout 12", Cruise Speed another 12" and fire a Tank Hunter|Sunder|Wrecker Multimelta. This doesn't mean you should ride all the way into the enemy deployment zone in turn one (which you totally can), but that you can probably fire a [[Just_as_planned|Multimelta at half range on something of value]], maybe a fort, while being able to tank the fire [[DISTRACTION_CARNIFEX|you're going to recieve]].

===Heavy Support===

*Thanatar
**'''Thanatar-Calix''': For the same points as a Wraithknight you can have a base-spec one of these as a heavy support choice. Can only be taken singly and has the traditional twin-linked Mauler pattern Bolt Cannon as well as a Sollex pattern lascannon and a Graviton Ram which fires a flamer template. Feels a bit lost during a game - you throw it forward to put all its weapons to use and you feel like you're squandering the range on the lascannon. There is a risk of getting tarpitted too so he needs someone with a cortex controller nearby or paragon of metal to keep him away from them - his main trick is his close combat attacks against fortifications which turn from S 10 to S D. but how many times are you going to be against a primus redoubt?
**'''Thanatar-Cynis''': The result of a spat between Ryza and an upstart forgeworld who come up with a new pattern to try to rival Ryza - puts down four S8 AP2 small blasts up to 18" away with the 'plasma wave' rule but also the gets hot rule. Also has a derp-tastic ''single'' mauler pattern bolt cannon. could be a viable 'distraction carnifex' for mechanicum forces and is arguably powerful against 2+ save infantry and light vehicles alike. Re-rolls on successful cover saves makes this a prime candidate for clearing MEQ, TEQ and bikes from objectives.

===Lords of War===

*[[Imperial Knight]]s
**'''Knight Acheron''': Excellent at wrecking armour (something the current list somewhat lacks) and its flame cannon (Hellstorm|S7|AP3) makes it a pretty decent Marine killer. You do have to close in and assault the enemy to deal with the armour effectively, but its run distance combined with the fact that the current Reductor functions more like an Assault army does not make that a problem.
**'''Questoris Knight Styrix''': The long-ranged Marine remover, it's not such a great idea to take this over the Acheron if you want to assault the enemy (though it doesn't do that role badly) but it only becomes really awesome in a gunline. Any Marine squad it hits it'll wreck thanks to Deflagrate and AP3 and it also packs a grav gun for slowing the enemy down when they close in. The Siege claw is not too bad of a choice either, specially if you're planning on assaulting buildings, and the added Rad Cleanser is nice to have, but it's unlikely to be really useful unless against Orks or Tyranids.

*'''[[Avenger Strike Fighter|Imperial Avenger Strike Fighter]]''': <s>''What do you mean this is a LoW?! The other Mechanicus get them as Fast Attack and we get nothing?!''</s> Though not a bad model, the Strike Fighter makes for a really shitty Lord of War (it is also the cheapest LoW at 150 pts) but can shift to being a fast attack choice when Calleb Decima is used as your warlord. At 2 Hull Points you not only want but NEED Chaff Launchers if you want to make full use of it. Hellstrike Missiles are possibly the only choice it'll get its full use out of before it gets shot down, with bombs coming a close second. As for the other options, Missile Launchers will help thin out the Marines alongside the Avenger Bolt Cannon and can make decent tank hunters if you take Battle Servitor Control. Autocannons with Battle Sevitor Control can also work well if you're hunting rhino's and other light-mid vehicles, same with the Multi-Lasers (which are better at light vehicle hunting), though whichever option you pick don't expect this to survive long.
*'''[[Warhound Scout Titan]]:''' Do you remember this is 30K, where Imperium tech was not a tale of slow degradation? Well, the pre-heresy Warhound comes with one extra Void shield and night vision for the same price as post-heresy one. Even though 6-th edition nerfed D-strength a lot (no more +1 on damage chart), a pair of Double Barreled Turbo Laser Destructors is still the go-to loadout, but due to 30k's all-marine environment, choosing the Megabolter or Inferno cannon actually makes some sense, especially with huge blobs of said marines.
*'''[[Reaver Battle Titan]]:''' It's the Warhounds bigger, tougher, meaner and slower brother. Destroyer blast spam is still the preferable weapon loadout (especially with the points level you'll be likely using this guy at), but in 30K there's nothing wrong with choosing Gatling blaster (because fuck Marines) or a Melta cannon. Curiously it can take a Vortex support missile for a carapace weapon, you lose a lot of your average firepower, so compensate by getting something with more blasts instead of going all Strength, but the missile is capable of one-shoting any other lord of war (besides another Reaver) by removing D3 SP from super-heavies or just instakilling any other model (yes, even Primarchs) with no saves of any kind allowed. It's One use only, so use it wisely.
*'''[[Warlord Battle Titan]]:''' Probably the biggest model FW will ever make, the Warlord is a walking engine of destruction.

==Legio Cybernetica Unit Analysis==
The Legio Cybernetica is a Taghmata variant that focuses on robots. Every slot's gotta have robots! Like the Ordo Reductor, Legio Cybernetica draws from the main list of Taghmata units and receives a number of benefits and penalties.
*Unique HQ - Archmagos Dominus: An exclusive choice in this force, it's pretty much a Dominus levelled up to the Archmagos stats.
*Rule of the Dominus: Your HQ must be a Magos Dominus, the unique Legio Cybernetica Archmagos Dominus, or one of the two special characters Inar Satarael or Anacharis Scoria. In addition, if your primary detachment is from Legio Cybernetica, your opponent gains +d3 Victory Points if they manage to remove all your Cortex Controllers.
*Legion of Steel: Your Compulsory Troops MUST be 2-strong Castellax units each. The first Fast Attack and Heavy Support choices MUST have the Cybernetica Cortex rule; after that you're free to buy whatever you want from the main Taghmata list.
*Enhanced Cyber-control: What truly defines Legio Cybernetica. Your Cortex Controller and Cybertheurgy ranges is increased to 24" from 12". In addition all models with a Cybernetica Cortex in the detachment have +1 Initiative to their profile.
The main advantages of Legio Cybernetica is that their robots can be spread around without fear of losing control and the increased Initiative has the potential to radically alter the outcome of your close combats. Vorax will strike before most marines, Castellax and their ilk will strike at initiative, and in mirror fights they will all strike first. The penalty is that you are forced to buy four Castellax just to make a legal list. Castellax recently got a 10 points increase, making them a very costly affair. And if you lose your Cortex Controllers, the opponent gets free victory points; at lower point levels it's likely that you will only have one in your list...

===HQ===

*'''[[Anacharis Scoria]]''' Awww yeah! Brand new Dark Mechanicum Archmagos Dominus from the new book! At his price of 275 points comes with a great statline (WS/BS/S/T/I of 5, 4 W, 3 A, 2+/3++), your basic Archamagos Dominus ruleset supplied with Eternal Warrior, Relentless and Adamantium Will, two Archaeotech Pistols, Machinator Array (so yeah, he's T6) and his AWESOME CCW - The Vodian Sceptre, which inflicts D3 AP 2 auto-wounds (or cuts 1 HP from a vehicle) for each successfull hit (these wounds ignore FnP and don't allow It Will Not Die rolls). As masterful Dominus he has his own Cybertheurgy - The Rite of the Beast, which is cast with -2 modifier and grants every model in targeted unit (except for joined Magi, as Cybertheurgy only affects models with a Cybernetica Cortex) +1 to their Initiative, Move and Charge distances, and re-roll of failed hits in assault. The downside is that when the power loses its effect, every model must roll a D6, losing a wound on roll of 1 with no saves allowed.
**If all of that is not enough for you, for 40 points he may purchase his special Xanathite Abeyant, which gives him +1 Wound (yes, 5 Wounds!!!), +1 Attack, Move Through Cover, It Will Not Die, Hardened Armour and a photon thruster, which can be fired in addition to all other shooting attacks. Tired of your warlord being slain by [[Sigismund| a certain relentless champion of death]] or [[Primarchs|posthuman demi-gods]]? Rejoice my friend, you now have one of the most fearsome motherfuckers in the whole 30k setting. The Xanophane Tyrant is tougher than most Primarchs and his Vodian Sceptre and Machinator Array make him an absolute beast against anything from vehicles to hordes. Just remember Scoria is NOT FEARLESS and thus may be killed by any successful sweeping advance.... supposing your opponent can dish out more damage than you, of course.
**His Warlord trait allows all Cybernetica-Cortex units to make Sweeping Advances and Run, and if they're outside Control range, they must move towards the closest enemy unit, charge it, and try to Sweeping Advance.
**He may also take The Homonculex - an Arlatax Battle-automata which gets Paragon of Metal and Rage, but if Anacharis dies, it is removed from play. Emm... Cool, I guess??
*'''Magos Dominus''' What the average neckbeard has become by the 30th millennium. Comes with a cortex controller, laspistol and [[power weapon]] base; they're essential if you want to be actually able to control your robots. Can be upgraded to an Archmagos for a better statline and Relentless (probably a good idea, since several of the cooler weapons they can take are heavy or salvo). As well as pistol weapons to replace the laspistol, you can take things like Irrad-Cleansers, Conversion Beamers and Photon Thrusters on top of it (letting you keep the extra attack it grants). Non-weapon upgrades that may come in useful include the Abeyant for an extra wound, It Will Not Die, Move Through Cover and Hardened Armour; the Machinator Array, an old-style Servo-Harness that grants two extra Power Axe (rather than Power Fist) attacks and has an [[Inferno Pistol]] rather than a plasma pistol; the Mechanicum Protectiva, which as well as being a shout-out to the old [[Iron Hands]] Iron Father grants a 4++ save, which can be improved to a [[3++ is the New Black|3++]] with the Cyber-Familiar (which also lets you re-roll one characteristic test per player turn). They can get expensive quickly, even though a baseline Magos is only 65 points, but you can quickly make them into rock-hard beatsticks that will wreck face in both shooting and close combat. Can use Cybertheurgy powers (Ld 9, 10 for the Archmagos Dominus).
**They can also be used as a Magos Reductor, for taking with the Ordo Reductor list (as a HQ in place of Decima), who loses the Cybertheurgy powers, but gains a variety of other rules including rad grenades.

===Elites===

*'''Enginseer Auxillia:''' 1 Enginseer + 4 Servo-automata for 65 points. Behaves similarly to the IG Enginseer, except you can add 1 extra Enginseer and give the Servo-automata (5 pts each) servo-harnesses (+5 pts each) to improve the repair roll of the unit. Can be used as source of Grav guns but without relentless they will suffer. Its best usage is almost certainly as a source of Nuncio-vox for your Thallax and Thanatar. Though they Cortex controllers at +15pts, it is probably better just getting a 2nd Magos and upgrading it to be tougher (and in the process, far deadlier) if your going to get that many Castellax units.
*'''Myrmidon Secutors:''' Sturdy SOBs. T5 W2 3+/5++, 120 points for 2 Secutors + 1 Lord without the weapons. Can add 7 Secutors (+35 pts each) and must equip two weapons on each (ranges from +10 pts to +20 each, doubles don't twin-link). Can fire the two weapons in a single phase at the same target, Relentless but cannot run or make a sweeping advance. Annoyingly not that great an option as they cost so many damn points: At cheapest a squad will cost 180 which will give them either a combination of 2 Maxim bolters, 2 Volkite chargers or 50/50. You may notice both are assault weapons and the squad as standard comes with a Power axe, so one could potentially use them as a sort of heavy assault trooper; a job that is immensely better performed by the Castellax automata. At an average cost of 75 per model for 2X Phased-plasma fusils you can get an extremely unpleasant marine killer! Unfortunately this is its only especially useful set-up. The only reason this anon has immediately said "there isn't much these guys do that the Thallax do better" is because the Thallax can only take a special weapon as one in every 3... but with all the goodies the Thallax get this isn't that bum a deal, that and they get the Irrad cleanser and PPF at half price.
*'''Domitar Class Battle-Automata Maniple''': An excuse to never take the Myrmidon Secutors again. It's essentially a melee automata geared to taking down Monstrous Creatures (aka other Automata), it can also handle vehicles and buildings in equal measure thanks to four attacks at S10 and its WS4 make it so it'll hit all other automata on 3's (even with HoW it's great since get D3 S7 hammer of wrath hits per model (roll once and multiply by number of models)). Shooting wise it's pretty shitty for how much it costs, armed with only a missile launcher with Krak and Ignis missiles (the latter S5, 3" blast ignores cover... but AP6) and can purchase flak missiles (only 5 pts but you've got good enough Anti-Air enough anyway). Thankfully it shines even when getting charged thanks to the Graviton Hammers forcing opponents to make disordered charges, and with Crusader you'll be dictating when your charges happen quite often. Interestingly '''Frag-nades''' are purchased at 5 pts per model (essentially mandatory for them), but keep them away from tarpitts (Paragon of metal doesn't help out too much here, and getting hacked apart by a large mob of S6 fearless goons whose entire squad costs probably less than half your model is embarrassing). Don't go thinking that it can take on every monster unit either. Charge a few Castellax with Darkfire Cannons (or even go solo near their Bolt-Cannons) and you'll find that's a 175+ point investment down the drain.
*The price of these though is very prohibitive, a unit of Castellax with Siege Wreckers can do essentially the same job for less, and unless you know you're up against MC heavy lists there's very little reason to bring a Domitar. If you bring them anyway, send them after pricey and important targets, Dreadnoughts, smaller terminator units and HQ. They are also the ideal candidate for Paragon of metal as squads would likely perform well, but are too expensive, and as such they function very well on their own.

===Troops===
*'''Tech-Thrall Adsecularis:''' The 2nd cheapest unit available in 30k after inducted levy squad 100pts for 50, heck even in 40k its only outdone by Ork grots by a decimal point! (35pts for 10!) However in many ways it shows. The unit has a measly T3, BS2, WS3, LD7 with a 5+ save, but it also has FNP, S4 and Las-locks. The unit can now be upgraded with an extra 10 tech-thralls making them the best Legio-Cybernetica troop for cheaply getting objectives. They may exchange their Las-locks for shotguns (shorter range but more likely to wound with two shots) or Heavy chainblades and while this makes them good in assault (for their points cost) you lose any ranged ability the squad has, though at BS2 you're not likely to be missing them that much. They can also take frag grenades, and considering how close these guys have to get they're almost mandatory unless you want them to be camping objectives (which for 35 points they make fantastic campers).
**"Rites of Pure thought" is a good option now that the unit can be 20 strong. This makes for a very nice blob that can either hang back in your home area or march forward to screen other units.
**Something to keep in mind though, These units -do not- count towards your compulsory choices, so you cannot use these to have more points for elites, but the Mechanicum troops being so great this probably wasn't being considered. Now would be a good time to point out, upgrading Thallax with augments causes them to either become fast-attack or heavy support, thus freeing slots for these loonies, so use them to take the objectives the Thallax can no longer take.
**If you want pure numbers then ally in the Solar Auxillia, the Tech-Thralls fill up your slots too fast to be any sort of horde-style army.

*'''[[Legio Cybernetica]] Castellax Class Battle-Automata:''' A surprisingly cheap Monstrous Creature pretty much made to fuck up the Space Marine Legions (thanks to BS4, T7, W4, and armed with AP3 guns base) unless there's list-tailoring involved (like Plasma vets) it'll hold its own against nearly everything thrown at it and can put out a lot of hurt in both the Shooting (thanks to the aforementioned AP3 guns) and Assault, don't let the two Attacks fool you, charging will boost your attacks up to 4 (if you do this make sure to get the Frag Grenades). Don't let Reactor Blast make you think it's worse to group them up, it's very unlikely to do any wounds to you at all and if you're in assault it'll almost always work in your favour.
**They may also take dual powerblades. At first AP2 rending in melee seems fantastic, but then you remember that this is a monstrous creature; thus it already has AP2 by default via smash. And with S6 its quite likely to be wounding most targets reliably anyway. The main point of this upgrade (which would explain why its relatively cheap) is to give a potential extra D3 Armour Penetration, and an additional +1 attack to your unit (since right now the shock chargers are technically one weapon). It's an upgrade to be considered, but probably should only be taken if you have spare points left over for some reason.
**Multi-meltas are another AT option replacing the Mauler bolt cannon for no points cost. You're probably better off shoving this onto the Thallax cohorts who are way more likely to be looking at the victims backside... But it can also be used in conjunction with the other Bolt Cannons to remove any 2+ armour character (thanks to Instant Death) or Sergeant, before gunning down the rest of the squad with the Bolt cannons.
**Darkfire cannons are a strong choice, it's better than the Melta's at taking down 2+ armour (such as terminators) and it's long range can help lay down a lot of hurt on other Monstrous Creatures or Primarchs. It also forces units to take blind tests which could really tip the balance of power when it comes to assault them (remember; monstrous creature, you have relentless). Ignore the lance factor as you're still glancing on 5's.
**Siege wreckers are now a lot better (though that's more thanks to Smash getting worse) as they essentially allow your unit to make 4 S10 attacks against enemies instead of 1. Think carefully before taking this as it is an expensive +20 pts, and it removes a single bolter, if you care.
**Enhanced targeting arrays vastly help when fighting MEQ's and/or if you're making a gunline, since you're ignoring their armour saves they'll almost always be making cover saves, so you want to decrease those as much as possible. It also combos well with the Darkfire cannon for sniping things off at vast distances but these costs add up quick.
**Infra-vision grants these units night-fighting, but also makes them far more vulnerable to blind (they take the test at I1). Its a cheap upgrade (5pts each) but not really necessary unless you're taking Darkfire cannons and/or making a gunline.
**Paragon of Metal - Oh boy. This is absolutely incredible and can turn the Castellax into a one-model-unit (literally) wrecking machine. Because it's so limited you might want to splurge on the points costs, giving this unit Siegewrecker to ensure it'll get the most out of Assault and a Darkfire cannon to blind the unit it charges or to snipe others. Cyberthautergy also becomes incredibly risky, though more potent; any failure results in Malifica.

*'''[[Thallax|Mechanicum Thallax Cohort]]:''' Shock Troops sometimes gifted by the Ordo Reductor to the Legio Cybernetica, Thallax are Ogryn sized Jet Troops. They're best used against vehicles since being Jet Pack Infantry means they're super mobile, able to jump out behind a wall then shoot before flying away, and S7 plus Rending guns means they wreck light vehicles (and potentially much tougher vehicles) not to mention being S5 T5 and means they're not too shabby in combat either. Overall pretty damn good but start to cost a lot of points quickly and while they have access to great weapon options, this isn't a fantastic way of picking up a tonne of high strength weaponry (stick to Destructors or Secutors for your special weapons).
**If you need to deal with fliers then set them up behind a fortification (so you get a Quad Gun or Lascannon), and buy them '''Icarian''' and a '''Multi-laser''', for extra 36" S6 hits. Keep in mind Djinn-sight fucks over Jink saves so use this to your benefit instead of a Magos on the gun. Don't get a '''Multi-Melta''', most 30K vehicles have Armoured Ceramite (immunity to the extra D6) so Rending S7 is better (and for this reason Melta Bombs can be skipped too).
**For dealing with Marines you have '''Phased-Plasma Fusils'''; they're an interesting weapon choice, though listed as Salvo 2/3 it needs to be remembered that Thallax possess relentless, thus turning this into a Assault 3, and S6 AP3, (amazing against marines, especially with Djinn-sight wrecking their Cover Saves). Of course you may be wondering if this subverts the point of using the Thallax cohort as tank hunters and you would be right it does, you also have Castellax who are much better at this role with all of them being able to take S6 AP3 weapons. For what it's worth, based on real experience, the plasma fusil doesn't ''really'' subvert their purpose as tank hunter. The whole premise behind tasking them with tank hunting is being able to deep strike to get side/rear armor shots, in which case three S6 shots are probably as good or better as the one S8. The half-range melta bonus I found frequently to be a trap, forcing the unit too close to enemy lines; I much prefer slinking around at 18" range to shoot their guns and use the jet packs to reposition to minimize counter-attacks. Their cover reduction ability means they are just fine with trading shots head on. Frankly, if you're going to get that close to the tank, I found a charge is usually what made the kill, not the single multi-melta shot.
**For dealing with 2+ armour You've got '''Photon-Thrusters''', they're expensive but their main advantages are 48" S6 AP2 for making those squishier Primarchs (Like Lorgar, Conrad Curze, and Angron) and Terminators to take several invuln saves, though once again Castellax are better at this role with their Darkfire Cannons and at S6 Lance won't help at all, your regular Rending S7 Lightning Guns are better for vehicles. They can still be useful if you're charging though since they cause blind (make sure to get '''Ferrox''' for Rage and Rending). The "best" platform for this weapon are the Myrmidon Destructors, whose BS5 and Preferred Enemy really make the most out of this gun.
**For dealing with Light Infantry you have '''Irrad-cleansers''' which are also a very interesting weapon; 2+ Fleshbane (not poison!) template pretty much guarantees a large portion of the target will get wounded but at AP5 however it could vary widely as to how effective it is afterwards; Ork, Nids, IG and even Nurgle daemons blobs? Not a problem. Legiones Astartes? It'll at least make them take lots of saves (but is worse than Phased-plasma), [[Solar Auxilia]] with their 4+? Get '''Ferrox''' (Rage/Rending) '''Heavy Chainblades''' (for Instant Death), charge and crush them.
**Something to keep in mind is that as they fuck with Infiltrators thanks to Djinn-sight (so spread them out), and you should always keep them away from S10 AP 4+ weapons as they invalidate your armour, FnP, and three wounds.

*'''Scyllax Guardian-Automata Covenant''': Well aren't you just spoiled for scoring troops, honestly there's very little reason to take these guys, Thallax are just slightly more expensive with a better statline (extra Thallax cost just five more points than extra Scyllax) as well as far more mobility, Castellax are a lot more expensive but they can handle anything in Close Combat a lot better, and anything Scyllax can do for you with their weapons can be done more efficiently in other options. If you must use them then use them solo, [[Fail|don't add characters to this bodyguard unit]] as unlike the Reductor you gain any special benefit from joining them as they're not Battle-automata (and as such don't benefit from Cybertheurgy aside from making them fearless but that works up to 24"). Try to have them as a defensive measure as they can ID TEQ's using dismemberment while using their ranged options similarly to the Ordo Reductor:
**If Defensive Assault is your ideal strategy, then load up on '''Flamers''' (available to all) and '''Rad-cleansers''' (available to only one in four, sadly). Template weapons can help whittle down a lot of blobs real fast (having that much Wall of Death doesn't hurt if you get counter-charged either).
**If you opt for ranged combat, you'll want the '''Rotor Cannons'''. Sure they're weaker in strength than the '''Volkite Chargers''' but they put out more shots the Volkites and your regular Bolters do, Relentless meaning you get to fire 4 shots at full 30" range. And they're the cheapest option! Even if you're up against 4+ saves, the heightened volume of fire means you'll inflict more wounds than Kraken Bolters.
**As for the other "1-in-X can equip Y" items, they're pretty self explanatory. '''Graviton guns''' help with slowing infantry and dealing with vehicles that got too close, '''Plasma guns''' help with taking out 2+ saves from range (handy if a player puts their Artificer Armour Sergeant in front), and '''Melta guns''' are good for leaving at home because your opponent bought Armoured Ceramite and you have better things to deal with vehicles and 2+ saves.

===Fast Attack===

*'''Crusade Fleet Support Wing:''' Coming soon.

===Heavy Support===
*'''Myrmidon Destructors''': Similar to Myrmidon Secutors, but have Preferred Enemy (Everything!), which is pretty great at BS5, though they can only pick 1 weapon. Also their models are freaking awesome. Their options are all more specialized to targeting a specific type of enemy and as such it's best to give them all one type of weapon rather than picking and choosing between several (with the exception of Irradiation Engines), give them all Volkite Culverins to watch Orks and Guard (or any 5+ save unit) cry all day long, on average without cover saves you'll actually kill more models than you shoot. Photon Thruster Cannons are good at forcing Primarchs to take a lot of saves and chip away at Terminator squads thanks to their AP2 and incredible range. Irradiation Engines are your Marine removers, giving the whole squad these is overkill (remember that Torrent weapons can be placed differently to a standard Flamer), and considering how much 2+ armour there is in 30K it's better used alongside the Photon Thruster, either to remove the 2+ Sergeant before nuking the squad, or using it to wipe the squad and exposing the Sergeant before shooting him. Lastly Conversion Beamers are only really the optimal choice if you're up against other Mechanicum where you'll likely be facing a lot of high Toughness monsters and the S6 from the Photon Thrusters doesn't quite cut it, but at that point you're better off with a Thanatar.
**Something to keep in mind is that despite the Powerfist the Destructors don't do all that great in assault, this is because they're locked at 2 attacks base and not in a way that they can be boosted to 5 like the Castellax, they're not bad, as in they'll hold their own against tactical squads and the like, but dedicated assault units will mulch right through them.

*'''Thanatar Class Siege-automata Maniple''': 240 a pop, but they're t8,s8 2+. Go look up a picture and see how sexy they are. They get Hellex Plasma Mortars for Instant Death on marines and wiping out Terminator Squads. They're also the only other model in your army that ca get the Paragon of Metal upgrade, because you've put so many points into this guy that you might as well make him even more durable. Searchlights are so cheap they might as well be a free upgrade, keep in mind that at T8 they should be able to deal with anything that shoots at them, and the Enhanced Targeting array helps a lot, both with its Mortar and the Twin-Linked Mauler Bolt Cannon (use the cannon second to finish off whatever the Mortar does not).
**Something to keep in mind is that despite being S8, T8 they actually don't do assault very well, like the Destructors they have 2 attacks base and this cannot be increased like a Castellax, and at WS3 they'll be lucky to kill one model per turn, so if the enemy gets into combat with them that's 240 pts (if it's only one) that'll be sitting the entire game out.
**Watch the fuck out for Instant Death weaponry, even more so than the rest of your high-point army. While it's rare you do not want any 240 point model (base) to suddenly die because Mortarion tele-ported right next to him then kicked his ass in assault, or if they suddenly die to that Praetor with a Combat Augment Array who made their Paragon Blade roll a six and beheaded(more like impaled its cortex) your Thanatar.

===Lords of War===

* [[Imperial Knight]]s
** '''Knight Acheron''': Excellent at wrecking armour (something the current list somewhat lacks) and its flamer makes it a pretty decent Marine killer. You do have to close in and assault the enemy to deal with the armour effectively, but its run distance combined with the fact that the current Legio Cybernetica has no problem making an assault list (especially if you're going with Castellax) makes this a minor issue.
** '''Questoris Knight Styrix''': The long-ranged Marine remover, it's not such a great idea to take this over the Acheron if you want to assault the enemy (though it doesn't do that role badly) but it only becomes really awesome in a gunline. Any Marine squad it hits it'll wreck thanks to Deflagrate and AP3 and it also packs a grav gun for slowing the enemy down when they close in, the siege claw is not too bad of a choice either, if you're planning on having it assault with the others but passed on the Acheron, though the Rad Cleanser is unlikely to be really useful unless against Orks or Tyranids.

==Taghmata Unit Analysis==
Taghmata advantages lie within the immense power and variety that can be possessed by a Magos Prime, Transports are available (Dedicated for Destructors, Secutors, Enginseer Auxilia and Thallax), in the form of the Triaros, though the Land Raider is an option, Tech-priests (for free) take an Arcana which immediately makes them far more cost effective than those found within the Legio-Cybernetica and [[Solar Auxilia]] (though they have more weapon options), Ursarax and finally immensely more potent Tech-thralls.

===HQ===
*'''Magos Prime:''' Kind of like a Praetor. Must be upgraded with an Arcana. Independent Character! REJOICE! The warlord can get a Djinn Skein (for a hefty 2 and a half melta guns) which lets them do all kinds of delightful datamancy--things don't scatter when coming in within 6", +1BS within 6" to one unit, etc. In all cases Abeyant and cyber familiar are a must for most builds for the sheer resilience; they also don't have any conflict with other potential options. Machinator Array further increase toughness, and some additional attacks at I1. Unless you have some specific plans, this is the go-to.
**The Archmagos prime is a huge step up, allowing you the use of an Archimandrite and the Djinn-Skein. As well as a stat-boost it grants you relentless. You may only have one Archmagos Prime in an army - no allying yourself for additional an additional one! However this doesn't include taking an Archmagos Dominus/Reductor within an allied detachment.
***Archimandrite: Gives all your vehicles IWND and gets +1 to reserves. Oddly, because of these two rules, Fleet-Support wings become way more interesting, and he compliments well with a Land Raider mounting a Exploratar Augury web.
**Malagra: Chases down hereteks, so gets +1WS and Attack, as well as Preferred Enemy (characters) and Monster Hunter. This arcana should be there to help you beat characters and monstrous creatures; with the right equipment, it will. Most combat characters are likely to hit faster than you, but the properly equipped Magos prime should be able to take the damage. A Machinator-array is a good choice but things could be considered. This dude should not leave home without the 'combat augment array' from book 4, a cyber-familiar and a master-crafted paragon blade/chainfist combo; the relic ALLOWS YOU TO COUNT ANY DICE ROLL AS A 6 once per game, announced at the start of your player turn. you have to take a toughness test at the end of your turn for each wound the model has, but you get re-rolls from the cyber-fam. no saving throws at all and no FNP either. take an abeyant for peace of mind. getting close to 270pts though...
**Myrmidax: Makes you a Myrmidon. The most important part of this unit is the fact it has relentless; making man of the heavier weapons usable on this; namely the Conversion beamer, Graiton imploder and Photon Thruster. The Alternative method of getting relentless on this unit is the Jet-pack, which would completely cancel out those options (leaving only the Graviton gun and Phased-plasma-fusil to utilize said rule). However the previously mentioned heavier weapons also block out the usage of the Machinator array; leaving him substantially more vulnerable. This guy and the Malagra are the ones with the most diverse set of equipment choices, due to having rules encouraging the use of things that aren't the Machinator Array. Fusilade is also fucking rad allowing you to shoot more. Oh and Hatred; leave melee to the Malagra and troops though.
**Ordinator: Gives you a bombardment attack, Armourbane and Wrecker. Bombardment is an Ordnance D3, 5", Pinning, S8 AP3; this is once per game so use it carefully. It could come as kind of lack-luster due to that D3 and scatter and its not Barrage so it needs LoS to the target. However its one of few Large-blast options available to you, the others being the Thanatar and Minotaur; the former is a Castellax^3 and the latter a sexy super-Leman Russ SPG, both doing this job so much better and can make use of the Djeinn Skein Rule. Armourbane isn't too hot considering you have lots of stuff that is good against vehicles anyway, Wrecker is interesting but limited, allowing rerolls of Armour Penetration against immobile structures and adds +1 to the results table; these rules benefit all of its attack so bombardment also benefits from this. Potentially, could be cool, but you're probably better off taking a Thanator or an allied choice if you're looking for some hot heavy Ordnance. A poor choice of Archmagos, a strong consider for regular.
**Lachrimallus: Forces you to take a unit of thralls. However, Thrall units come back from the dead on a 5+ and into reserves. '''Don't forget the 5+ feel no pain too; given a machinator array, abeyant and cyber familiar you end up with a t6 character with 4 wounds who has it will not die who has a 3++ save and feel no pain.''' This guy won't go down quickly, if you're taking an Archimandrites or sizeable numbers of well equipped Thralls, take this guy. The Former allowing you to bring those Thralls back on quicker, and the latter meaning they return into reserve for free, potentially maximising cost effectiveness. Also notice unlike the Archimandrite, this guy ''does not'' have to be the warlord to use his bonus.
**Macrotek: Reroll battlesmiths for your dude and Auxilia are troops. Also an extra fortification. A combination I have found to work pretty well is giving a Macrotek a cortex controller and machinator array and sticking him in a unit of Castellax. Makes the Castellax a fairly durable unit as he can repair one on a 3+. See page 234 of Extermination: Deal with THAT.
**These sphincters are ridiculously durable, if properly built, can tie/beat Smashbubbler.

*'''Magos Dominus:''' Just like before, you need these assholes to keep your robots under control (unless you take Auxilia). NOT ICs and does not have the Archmagos upgrade available; as a result they are more dangerous to use than the LC-Archmagos; it may be better to have an engineseer or give the Prime a cortex controller if you're looking for direct robot control. Just to reclarify; Cortex control isn't necessary to keep Battle-Automata fighting, its just needed for them to do it precisely; the robots won't rip out their servos like Nids rip out each others vestigial stomachs.

*'''Magos Calleb Decima:''' An all-rounded character that also comes with a rule called Curse of the Omnissiah which ''will'' cripple anything less than a Titan. That said - he doesn't have relentless and the Mechanicum don't have access to a transport with fire points. His Curse of the Omnissiah attack is HEAVY 2d6 with 'gets hot' which means Caleb could very well die while waiting around for a worthy target for it and he might burn himself trying to use it (though that's incredibly unlikely). Caleb actually does significantly better in the Taghmata than the Reductor as you can put him in a group of Castellax (as he's not an IC) and optionally give him an Abeyant. He'll buff the squad (especially if one has a Multi-Melta) and his 5 S6 AP2 attacks fit perfectly well with the squads S6 AP2 attacks. The Castellax T7 also protects him long enough to use Curse of the Omnissiah too.

*'''Archmagos Inar Satarael:''' Monstrous creature sized Magos with a shield that can reflect shots back at the shooter and teleports home on a 3+ if he would otherwise die. Comes with a cortex controller and is an Archimadrite, as well as a 5+ FNP. If you're taking a lot of robots and who isn't, he'd be worth your time if you wanted a fully kitted-out Archmagos, as with his special rules he ends up being better than the generic version overall though he still costs more than one of your super-heavy options and with a 3+ invulnerable save he costs just 30 pts less than a Questoris Knight.

*'''Archmagos Draykavac:''' The first of the [[Dark Mechanicum]]. A scary bastard with a Paragon Blade, graviton gun, Djinn-Skein, and a Machinator array, gives all friendly Walkers, SH walkers and MCs +1 on their charges and sweeps, and a WT that gives all units within 3" of an objective Preferred Enemy (Infantry). He's rather tough and has some nice tools, but his weirdest tool is his Liquefractor: a special weapon he can use in place of his normal combat attacks. It's an autohit on Initiative step 1, which inflicts "2d6 - T of the target" wounds with AP 2 to a single chosen model in base contact with Draykavac. If he's against vehicles, then they take 2D6 - (Armour Value/2) Penetration hits. This weapon might be really scary, but doing so requires you leaving the protection of your tools, which might be helped by getting an Abeyant. Otherwise, use him like a basic Magos Prime.

===Elites===
*'''Techpriest Auxillia:''' Must choose an Arcana. They can also take Triaros as a dedicated transport.
**Enginseer gives them battlesmith and Servo Arms, their servitors get the support rule.
**Lacyraemarta: FNP 5+ and +1 to Adsecularis FNP within 6". So they're thrallmasters. Sexy.
**Reductor: Servo arms (Note, they don't loose Battlesmith), everyone gets Tank Hunters and Wrecker! They can also trade in their servo arms for Conversion Beamers or Gravitorn Imploders for +25
**Additionally this unit comes with Servo-automata, whom are particularly tough and won't be found wanting in other areas given the right equipment. You may take up to 8 of these with a single unit. Normally they are only equipped with Close-combat weapons, but you will most likely give then a Las-lock as its only 1 point a piece.
***Alternatively they may act as something of a Guardsmen Heavy/special weapons squad. Flamers and Maxim bolters for close range. Heavy Bolters and Rotor cannons for long range blob squashing. Multi-meltas for tank busting anything that looks it will munch up your Automata or Adsecularis.
***If you feel uncomfortable with their mediocre BS, try and have a Cyber-occularis near them to improve it.

*'''Myrmidon Secutors'''- As before but can take a Triaros, which can give them a substantial edge over the Destructors they used to some what pale too, now that they can actually be put into their effective range.
**The primary problem with Secutors is the very short range - your longest and most expensive option is the Phased-plasma fusil, which is effectively identical (minus pinning) to the Mauler Boltcannon, which if you have a squad of Secutors, is already atop the Triaros, is your go-to for Castellax and more reasonably priced (excluding Ablatives) on the Thallax Cohort, who don't need a transport to get them into battle. If you want lots of AP3, take lots of Castellax - you'll get much more out of it.
**Another weapon that should be dropped faster than a bad Harem Anime starring a bland MC is the Maxim bolter. It has the same cost as a Volkite Charger, with a point less strength, 3 fewer inches it makes for a bad weapon choice as much as it would a pornstar. Sure it fires 3 shots rather than 2 but that lower strength means you'll do worse against most targets.
**Graviton Guns are vital - haywire is lovely and spewing around diff/dangerous terrain can actually help protect you from assault; Secutors are hardly bad in melee but its something of a waste. Give it a thought, it can be extremely useful coupled with more harmful weapons.
**Irrad cleansers would be a strong option; Fleshbane and Rad-phage template is good, but the Myrmidons bring mutha-fuckin' Irrad engines to the table, which are much better than any number of cleansers.
***Overall, you'll probably find yourself taking Volkite-Chargers for some good dice-spamming potential, with a strong likely hood of wounding, backed up by at least one Graviton Gun to help slow down the enemy at such short ranges, alongside lovely glancing hits. It's really the worst unit in the codex, Tech priests have utility at least. Everything they do is better done by another unit, Destructors in particular who also have Preferred enemy everything to boot.
***The only thing up for debate is anti-tank, with Graviton guns they can glance most vehicles to death. If you wanted to score a likely a kill on almost any vehicle its 210 points for 6 Graviton guns and the Secutors (345 for the inevitable transport). They will not be found doing anything else but ripping apart vehicles hilariously fast. Thallax Cohorts with Multi-melta can be used to boot up the field and rear-armour vehicles, or claim objectives etc. Castellax with Multi-meltas can be pushed into melee, and likely take flamer(s) for Anti-infantry. Tech-priests auxilia can bring 8 Multi-meltas for 205 points, with tank hunter. Secutors do have a much lower chance of missing through the virtue of BS5 and blast weaponry though.
****But remembered Armoured Ceramite will protect you from Meltas - jack all against Haywire.

*'''Domitar Class Battle-Automata Maniple''': An excuse to never take the Myrmidon Secutors again. It's essentially a melee automata geared to taking down Monstrous Creatures (aka other Automata), it can also handle vehicles and buildings in equal measure thanks to four attacks at S10 and its WS4 make it so it'll hit all other automata on 3's (even with HoW it's great since get D3 S7 hammer of wrath hits per model (roll once and multiply by number of models)). Shooting wise it's pretty shitty for how much it costs, armed with only a missile launcher with Krak and Ignis missiles (the latter S5, 3" blast ignores cover... but AP6) and can purchase flak missiles (only 5 pts but you've got good enough Anti-Air enough anyway). Thankfully it shines even when getting charged thanks to the Graviton Hammers forcing opponents to make disordered charges, and with Crusader you'll be dictating when your charges happen quite often. Interestingly '''Frag-nades''' are purchased at 5 pts per model (essentially mandatory for them), but keep them away from tarpitts (Paragon of metal doesn't help out too much here, and getting hacked apart by a large mob of S6 fearless goons whose entire squad costs probably less than half your model is embarrassing). Don't go thinking that it can take on every monster unit either. Charge a few Castellax with Darkfire Cannons (or even go solo near their Bolt-Cannons) and you'll find that's a 175+ point investment down the drain.
*The price of these though is very prohibitive, a unit of Castellax with Siege Wreckers can do essentially the same job for less, and unless you know you're up against MC heavy lists there's very little reason to bring a Domitar. If you bring them anyway, send them after pricey and important targets, Dreadnoughts, smaller terminator units and HQ. They are also the ideal candidate for Paragon of metal as squads would likely perform well, but are too expensive, and as such they function very well on their own.

===Troops===

*'''[[Thallax|Mechanicum Thallax Cohort]]:''' Shock Troops initially gifted by Ordo Reductor, but became much more widespread among out-lying Forgeworlds as they were comparatively easier to amass compared to Battle-Automata. They're best used against vehicles since being Jet Pack Infantry means they're super mobile, able to jump out behind a wall then shoot before flying away, and S7 plus Rending guns means they wreck light vehicles (and potentially much tougher vehicles) not to mention being S5 T5 and means they're not too shabby in combat either. Overall pretty damn good but start to cost a lot of points quickly and while they have access to great weapon options, this isn't a fantastic way of picking up a tonne of high strength weaponry (stick to Myrmidon Destructors or Secutors for your special weapons).
**For extra options for dealing with Vehicles, buy them '''Destructor''' (Tank Hunters) to make sure you get that rending roll or '''Empyrite''' to deep-strike them behind/beside tanks, in which case you should either stack up on models in one unit or multiple Deep-strikers as they're likely to get shot to hell after they arrive (flying away only carries you so far). If you need to deal with fliers then set them up behind a fortification (so you get a Quad Gun or Lascannon), and buy them '''Icarian''' and a '''Multi-laser''', for extra 36" S6 hits. Keep in mind Djinn-sight fucks over Jink saves so use this to your benefit instead of a Magos on the gun. Don't get a '''Multi-Melta''', most 30K vehicles have Armoured Ceramite (immunity to the extra D6) so Rending S7 is better (Don't forget melta bombs DO still work on ceramite, they negate the ceramite).
**For dealing with Marines you have '''Phased-Plasma Fusils'''; they're an interesting weapon choice, though listed as Salvo 2/3 it needs to be remembered that Thallax possess relentless, thus turning this into a Assault 3, and S6 AP3, (amazing against marines, especially with Djinn-sight wrecking their Cover Saves). Of course you may be wondering if this subverts the point of using the Thallax cohort as tank hunters and you would be right it does, you also have Castellax who are much better at this role with all of them being able to take S6 AP3 weapons.
**For dealing with 2+ armour You've got '''Photon-Thrusters''', they're expensive but their main advantages are 48" S6 AP2 for making those squishier Primarchs (Like Lorgar, Conrad Curze, and Angron) and Terminators to take several invuln saves, though once again Castellax are better at this role with their Darkfire Cannons and at S6 Lance won't help at all, your regular Rending S7 Lightning Guns are better for vehicles. They can still be useful if you're charging though since they cause blind.
**For dealing with Light Infantry you have '''Irrad-cleansers''' which are also a very interesting weapon; 2+ Fleshbane (not poison!) template pretty much guarantees a large portion of the target will get wounded, it also handily goes with '''Empyrite''' for deep-striking, flaming, then flying away (since you cannot assault) but at AP5 however it could vary widely as to how effective it is afterwards; Ork, Nids, IG and even Nurgle daemons blobs? Not a problem. Legiones Astartes? It'll at least make them take lots of saves (but is worse than Phased-plasma), [[Solar Auxilia]] with their 4+? Get '''Heavy Chainblades''' (for Instant Death), charge and crush them.
**Something to keep in mind is that as they fuck with Infiltrators thanks to Djinn-sight (so spread them out), and you should always keep them away from S10 AP 4+ weapons as they invalidate your armour, FnP, and three wounds.

*'''Adsecularis Covenant'''--Thralls, From suck to stellar. No vehicle, but they can now go up to 20 Thralls, which is a no-brainer. They can choose between Laslocks, Mitralocks and Heavy chainblades, you generally want the Laslocks. They now have a variety of upgrades that effect the entire squad, and are more cost effective at maximum size!
**Rite of Pure thought grants them fearless, but removes Overwatch and sweeping advance. Few things discourage taking Fearless, especially with a tarpit like this, if you're taking Thralls, give them this.
**Induction chargers make both Mitra-locks and Las-locks assault 2. Generally this is more compensation for BS2 than it is for getting extra hits, however plop in a Cyber-occularis and have fun.
**Carapace armour, as it says on the tin. Great if you intend to shove them in the face of enemy line infantry but Heavy bolters will rip them apart.
**Revenant Alchemistry, SPOOKY, upgrades your FNP to 5+ and grants hatred, slow&purposeful is almost a joke draw back. Prop up Tech-priests behind them and you're gonna have 4+ FNP. Autocannons will mitigate this, but even 30k can only back so many autocannons!
**Heavy Chainblades, although called Heavy Chainswords in the core rulebook. In essence, it's a two-handed melee weapon that gives +2S and AP5. Your Adsecularis start at S4, so that means S6, which means that they will severely hurt anything that doesn't decimate them before they get to strike.
***Surprisingly durable tarpits packing a mean punch if properly equipped(RoPT+Carapace+RA+Heavy Chainblades). You'll have to convert/kitbash your own, and while they have the same WS and I as Tau Firewarriors(a meager 2), Hate(everything) and hitting at S6 means that no one wants to see them swing at their models. Should be quite efficient against big blobs of Ork Boyz, hitting them at 4+ rerolling, wounding on 2+ and AP5 while taking advantage of their 4+ save and Feel no Pain which ''statistically'' speaking is as good as 3+ against anything which doesn't cause them Instant Death or ignores their armor. As an anecdote, I once knocked 4 wounds off a Bloodthirster with a unit of 20, and would have finished it if it hadn't been for a unit of deepstriking Bloodletters saving their bosses bacon.
***In short, if the enemy unit wasn't designed to kill through spamming tonnes of dice and hits on higher initiative (Hormagaunts, World-Eater marine blobs etc) then you'll rip their nuts off. Failing that they will waste huge amounts of the enemies time, by which point you would of likely gained the upper hand. Use Tech-thralls to Screen portions of your army by forming a heavily discouraging target for anything that isn't artillery.

*'''Castellax Class Battle-automata'''--Now they can no longer be compulsory troops choices. Tragic. But they are still scoring. And don't forget they are some of the best monstrous creature hunter units in the whole game! So almost an auto include! See the other entry on Castellax if you aren't sure how to equip your murderous do-it-all deathstars.

*'''Scyllax Guardian-Automata Covenant''': Very situational in this list, Thallax are just slightly more expensive with a better statline (extra Thallax cost just five more points than extra Scyllax) as well as far more mobility, if you don't want to pay for Castellax (remember, they're not compulsory choices in Taghmata but Scyllax are) but still want a decent defensive unit for Close Combat then they're okay as even though Thallax have a better statline for a small points increase, Scyllax can to ID TEQ's thanks to dismemberment. It should be noted too that anything Scyllax can do for you with their weapons can be done more efficiently in other options, if you must use them then use them solo (except for Calleb as that'll grant you an additional 5 attacks that will also ID TEQ's) as unlike the Reductor your characters/Scyllax do not gain any special benefit from joining them as they're not Battle-automata (and as such don't benefit from Cybertheurgy aside from making them fearless but that works up to 24"). Try to have them as a defensive measure as they can ID TEQ's using dismemberment while using their ranged options similarly to the Ordo Reductor:
**If Defensive Assault is your ideal strategy, then load up on '''Flamers''' (available to all) and '''Rad-cleansers''' (available to only one in four, sadly). Template weapons can help whittle down a lot of blobs real fast (having that much Wall of Death doesn't hurt if you get counter-charged either).
**If you opt for ranged combat, you'll want the '''Rotor Cannons'''. Sure they're weaker in strength than the '''Volkite Chargers''' but they put out more shots the Volkites and your regular Bolters do, Relentless meaning you get to fire 4 shots at full 30" range. And they're the cheapest option! Even if you're up against 4+ saves, the heightened volume of fire means you'll inflict more wounds than Kraken Bolters.
**As for the other "1-in-X can equip Y" items, they're pretty self explanatory. '''Graviton guns''' help with slowing infantry and dealing with vehicles that got too close, '''Plasma guns''' help with taking out 2+ saves from range (handy if a player puts their Artificer Armour Sergeant in front), and '''Melta guns''' are good for leaving at home because your opponent bought Armoured Ceramite and you have better things to deal with vehicles and 2+ saves.

===Dedicated Transport===
*'''Triaros Armoured Conveyer'''-- <s>Dune Train</s> Not quite a [[Crassus Armored Assault Transport|CRASSUS]], but close. 14/12/12, 4HP The thing comes standard with a flare shield for all that -1 goodness. It also gets a shock ram giving you AV15 on your front when ramming and does haywire damage. the shock ram also inflicts d6 S6 AP5 hits on any unit it tank shocks in addition to resolving the tank shock and the shock ram doesn't count as a weapon so can never be removed by weapon destroyed results on the damage chart. Carries 20 and re-rolls failed dangerous terrain tests. Give it lesser IWND for 5 points. 135. Awesome. Great for getting things close. The Spice must flow.
**Volkite Sentinels are a subtle, but potent feature. Essentially they are two Volkite chargers than may target independently of the Triaros itself (and presumably the other Volkite weapon); these can be used to take out "Chaff" units (exceptionally important if you're using this in 40k).
**You'll generally give this unit the noble task of transporting the Omnissiah's servants. Myrmidons of both kinds are the most obvious use, it's effectively mandatory for Secutors as they all possess short range weapons, and with the most expensive weapon option for Secutors being the one with AP3 you will greatly appreciate the Twin-linked Mauler Boltcannon. Destructors too can benefit from this, the Graviton Imploder and Irrad Engine to be specific. Another possible useage is Tech-priests. Not to bad as almost any configuration of the Tech-priest is cheaper than Myrmidons; 8 Flamer servitors could be considered a very light version of the Irrad-Engine. The description indicates that it is fair game to use the FNP buff while inside the vehicle; take a minimum sized Tech-priest squad, 15 Thralls, load em up and maybe have some fun...? Its a stretch that one.

===Fast Attack===
*'''Ursarax Cohort''': These are Thallax's less agile but stronger siblings, with twin lightning claws (or Power fists) and Ironman chest lasers. the Volkite Incinerator isn't too great in CC, as four attacks at S10 almost always beats ONE S6 instant death attack (even if the target is T6) but if you get locked in multiple rounds it can be okay enough against T6 models. Having said that, swapping twin lightning claws for powerfists might seem like a good general idea since you're Initiative 2, but if you're fighting against Marines, lightning claws at S5 will put out more wounds than fists at S10.
**Also the twin-powerfists are 10 points each: ideally, if you're taking a large squad, nestle a couple into a squad to provide some tough tin-can opening power.
**A squad of 9 will put out (excluding HoW) 36 attacks. This costs 455 points and can be hillariously powerful against anything that isn't going to launch S10 at you or is packing sizeable numbers of Autocannons. Toss in say 3 Powerfists and you'll be good to against pretty much anything.
*'''Vorax Class Battle-Automata'''--Quicker and lighter (4+ armour and 3W, but I4 and lacking an invulnerable save) than the Castellax, they get fleet and scout. They also come standard with a pair of rotor cannons, a lightning gun, and powerblades. (Can swap the lightning for an irrad cleanser) Outflank these sphincters and let their automatic programming take care of the rest. Unfortunately, 4+ armor, 3 wounds at t6 and no invuln makes them far too susceptible to krak grenades to be viable. With programmed behavior meaning they have to charge, keep these sick-looking mantis bots in single units of 1, to use as a [[DISTRACTION_CARNIFEX|distraction unit]].
**One thing to consider with them, now that they have models, is that they simply look great with their mantis-like predatory theme. Their smaller size and velociraptor-like silouette make exploiting cover far easier too. And they are far cheaper(cash-wise) than the Castellax, which is nice.
*'''Planes'''
*'''[[Tarantula]]s'''

===Heavy Support===
*'''Thanatar Class Siege-Automata'''--240 a pop, but they're t8,s8 2+. They get Hellex Plasma Mortars, which are ordnance barrage str 8 ap2 plasma blasts which force rerolls on cover saves. Go look up a picture and see how sexy they are. If you want a moronic looking list, take them in a full-size unit of five. If you are a normal person, take the option below.
**Want to see your enemies cry ? Take one Thanatar and give him Paragon of Metal. He'll never freaking die. BS5 and -1 to enemy cover from Advanced Targeting will fit well too.
**Got too much time, too much money, and too many Terminators running at you to the point photon weapons just don't cut it? Take a unit of more than 1, take Advanced Targeting, now here's the important part; Cyber-Occulari. You are now BS6, and likely able to use the Occulari LoS, the result is a unit that keep its shots in a very tight grouping. Beware though; a cortex controller will likely be needed.

*'''Thanatar-Calix Class Siege-Automata'''--(based on experimental rules) This is the guy who puts the "Siege" in "Siege-Automata". the mortar is replaced with an S10 Lascannon (yes, a single, one-shot-per-turn lascannon, unfortunately) but this Thanatar gets an additional Graviton Ram in return, which can be used in shooting as a moderately effective template weapon with Haywire or in melee as an S10 AP 1 armorbane weapon which gets bumped up to str D against buildings(!) However this guy is a whopping 295 points, so make those potential str D hits happen or you're not getting those points back.
**Never, ever let him be assaulted by infantry (and don't be dumb enough to charge infantry with him). The template weapon forces a strength test instead of rolling to wound - in HH most infantry are S4, so you're going to need 5+ to wound and they can still make 3+ saves. However, against weak tarpit units with low strength, it could work quite well - morale checks caused my this template are taken with a Ld -2 modifier, so you can scare off potential tarpits. a S10 AP1 close combat attack is mostly wasted on infantry, being not at all any more effective than the base S8 AP2 that a normal Thanatar would have.
**This Thanatar is a death sentence against vehicles. If it can get close enough, a single turn can see it firing a S10 AP2 Lascannon and a haywire template, then charging in with 3 S10 AP1 Armorbane hits in melee. (Don't charge transports unless you've got something else to engage the occupants with in CC - it can't be stressed enough how tremendous a waste this guy is in melee with infantry.)
**Where this guy really takes the spotlight is in attacks on Fortifications. against those, it can do the same as to vehicles (minus the haywire) but DEALING STRENGTH D HITS instead of S10. With the monstrous number of hull points fortifications can have (looking at you, Primus Redoubt) this can be a huge help, and really, that strength D hit is where your points are going to, so you'd better make some of those hits.
**This guy is 300 points. he moves 6 inches a turn and cannot run. his target is a building on the other side of the table. If you plan to get this guy in your army at all, this guy will have to be the Paragon of Metal. First off, he's going to draw a lot of fire - no, really, a lot. at T8 W4 2+5++, he can tank a good number of hits but you'll want the chance to regenerate because there is a solid chance he may never reach his target otherwise. Secondly, this guy is going to be headed straight for the toughest part of your opposing forces, and while he's tough as nails, most cortex-controlling units don't can't withstand nearly as much. An enemy could easily kill this Thanatar's controller and drink your tears as the Thanatar runs off to charge at infantry. While most automata can function reasonably well without cortex control (either they stay way back and don't get distracted by nearby enemies, or it doesn't matter because you want them to attack whatever's convenient), a focused, controlled beeline to fortifications is what this guy needs to do, and if you lose control of him that's essentially 300 points down the drain.
***Plop a group of equally slow Tech-Thralls in front to screen him from charges. Plop a unit of what ever Tech-Priest Auxilia you feel like (Any other combos will actually do alright) behind it and get ready to make battlesmith rolls.
***Annoyingly this thing suffers a notably less-chronic case of "Secutor Syndrome" in that it has a cousin similarly priced (once kitted out) but X times more effective: Knight Errants. Of course those are LoW's and this isn't. The Calix has some edges other it: the fantastic range of its S10 Lascannon and the haywire template will likely knock off Hullpoints; both however will eventually need to make the crunch and the Errant can actually deal with a multitude of issues and moves a shitload faster... though its Meltacannon is subject to Armoured Ceramite. Nor will it be nearly as harmed by Flare-shielding as it has no-blast weapons; there for the Errant will have to rely almost entirely on its melee, where as this doesn't have too. Issue is though most of the time you can "rely on the D", especially when it travels so damned fast.

*'''Krios Battle Tank Squadron'''--Farmer Joe's angry Tractor. These sex bots are 13/12/10 3HP with a flare shield. Aww crispy biscuts yeeeaaah!! They're fast and can be taken in squadrons of 3. Start off at 125, and can take a Pulsar Fusil for 25 extra points. (So turn your s7 ap3 large blast marine eating lightning gun into a a9 ap2 ordnance 4 tank killer. Can be taken in mixed.) They also have Autosimulacra and access to Anbaric claws and Volkite sentinels. If you felt the need to rush your tanks in and make them more deadly. With Mauler Bolt Cannons, Irradiation engines, the 3-shot battlecannon on the paladin, and more anti-MEQ, I would almost always go Venator.

*'''Mechanicum Land Raider'''--Same Build Your Own Landraider as before. FAQ for Betrayal mentions that the Special Rules box out for Blessed Autosimulacra is unfortunately missing from the page in error.
**Add the following: Blessed Autosimulacra: If the vehicle has suffered Hull Point damage, at the end of the owning player’s turn roll a D6. On a result of a 6, one lost Hull Point is restored.

*'''Myrmidon Destructors'''--Made 5 points more expensive per model, but Irad engines are 5 points cheaper so it balances out if you want to take a Triaros for delivering RAD-PHAGE. Note that their grav gun has been replaced by a Graviton Imploder (AP2, but does not have Haywire).
**It's a toss up between three things typically for these guys; Volkite Culverins, Irrad-Engines and Photon-thrusters. None of these are hardly lacking in Strength, Volkite and Irrad are both very capable of dumping alot of wounds on a target, but Photon-thrusters are capable of taking on vehicles and TEQ's, both the Volkite and Photon are long range as heck, but Transportation negates this, though it raises the squads cost. Graviton Imploder is another great anti-TEQ option, a unit of 3 capable of scoring 12 wounds quite readily, but they'll need transportation.
***An important question to ask, especially within a Taghmata list is "why isn't an Enginseer squad doing this?" - hence you will often not have a Conversion beamer Destructor squad unless you're absolutely terrified of scatter and want to reroll to wound.
***Heavily consider putting your Magos in with this squad; it will grant Preferred Enemy.

===Lords of War===

* [[Imperial Knight]]s
** Knight Errant: Identical to GW rules, minus the ability to mount additional Heavy Stubbers
** Knight Paladin: See above
** '''Knight Lancer''': A good character and monster killer, though its cost is right up there with the Primarchs, it'll take on nearly everything you send it at and come out on top aside from the aforementioned Primarchs (and it can still do very well against them if they're Init 1 or S6-7 since it's Strength D).
** '''Knight Acheron''': Just as excellent at wrecking armour as the Castigator is at wrecking infantry, though in the Taghmata dealing with armour isn't that much of an issue, and you have to close in and assault the enemy to deal with the armour effectively, leaving the Acheron a giant target. It also doesn't benefit from many of the bonuses you can offer, isn't as good at character/monster hunting as the Lancer (thanks to no close combat Invuln save) and the Styrix has better guns to deal with Infantry. It isn't a bad choice on its own but your own units can usually do what it does just as well, if not better.
** '''Questoris Knight Styrix''': The long-ranged Marine remover, it's not such a great idea to take this over the other knights if you want to assault the enemy (admittedly a non-competitive way of playing) but it can be awesome in a gunline. Any Marine squad it hits it'll wreck thanks to Deflagrate and AP3, boost it with a Djinn-skein and mathematically it kills 6.365 Marines with that one gun per turn. It also packs a grav gun for slowing the enemy down when they close in, though the siege claw can be skipped as you have other ways of dealing with Armour and the Rad Cleanser is unlikely to make its points back unless you're up against Tyranids or Orks.

*[[Fellblade#Falchion |Legion Falchion]]

*'''Minotaur Artillery Tank''': A very odd unit in this list, basically the vehicle version of a Thanatar but not quite as good in 30K. Cannot be given upgrade Armoured Ceramite (so it's vulnerable to any Deepstriking unit with a melta) and its gun is AP3, which isn't that great considering how much 2+ armour (and terminators) will be running around. If you're up against a non-30K army it can do better then a Thanatar since it's blast is larger and it only costs a bit more (it'll destroy Tyranids for example) so it depends what you're up against and if you want to list tailor.

*'''[[Warhound Scout Titan]]''': The same Titan as the Ordo Reductor, it has one extra void shield and night vision for the same price as post-heresy one Warhound, Even though 6-th edition nerfed D-strength a lot (no more +1 on damage chart), take a DB TLD for dealing with Terminators and Characters, and a Vulcan Mega-Bolter boosted with a Djinn-skein for the squads as on average against 3+ marines you'll kill 10.416 Marines per use of the Mega-Bolter.

*'''[[Reaver Battle Titan]]''': Again, The same Titan as the Ordo Reductor, it's the Warhounds bigger, tougher, meaner and slower brother. Destroyer blast spam is still the preferable weapon loadout (especially with the points level you'll be likely using this guy at), but in 30K there's nothing wrong with choosing Gatling blaster (because fuck Marines) or a Melta cannon. Curiously it can take a Vortex support missile for a carapace weapon, you lose a lot of your average firepower, so compensate by getting something with more blasts instead of going all Strength, but the missile is capable of one-shoting any other lord of war (besides another Reaver) by removing D3 SP from super-heavies or just insta-killing any other model (yes, even Primarchs) with no saves of any kind allowed, but it is one use only, so use it wisely.

*'''[[Warlord Battle Titan]]:''' 2750 pts for quite possibly the hardest damned motherfucker out there; 30 HP, 15/15/14, 5+ Invuln, haywire immunity, Armoured ceramite and 6 void shields and it pretty much ignores anything in melee besides other titans. It is bristling with Anti-aircraft firepower atop it with its Ardex (Essentially Cognis) Mauler boltcannons and TL Lascannons. Now some notes on the meat of it!
** If you're taking this to spew D weapons, you're in for a disappointment as 2850pts total would "only" fire 8 D blasts; 2 Belicosa volcano's and 2 Reaver Laser blasters, though the former weapon will produce 2 10" reroll 1's on D table. If you wanna spam D, take a Reaver, it will work out cheaper in every single way.
**What this is good for however, is abusing its World Burner rule to turn the battle field into a charnel house where only true Titans, the lucky, and those with Flare shields may live to wretch in the ashen pork world that was left behind. This rule lets you use your Blast based weapons (all bar melee effectively) against whatever the hell you want: Baptise them in fire!
***Of course, you'll need the right tools for the job. Standard are two aforementioned '''Belicosa pattern volcano cannons''', a very good all round choice and in the event you don't have worthy backup against other Titans, stick with these. Other arm mounted weapons include '''Sunfury plasma annhilators''', PW4, Apoc barrage, force rerolls on cover, S9 AP means anything without Flare shields will get screwed over real fast. '''Mori-Quake cannons''' are similar to the regular quake cannons (D to 9 to 6), at AP3 they're kinda lackluster but it makes for it via making units move far slower (Half movement, no running/flatout/charge, all movement is dangerous terrain for next turn), a Direct hit with this will likely heavily delay a Spartan from reaching its destination in time, which could be extremely important. '''Saturnyne lascutters''' are fun, they double as a melee and hellstorm weapon. The Latter is S9, AP2 Instant death, making it perfect for mulching Mechanicum, the former it will possess a D, Machine Destroyer (Reroll 1's on D table) and ID again, which is relevant against Gargantuan creatures (Each D wound scored will inflict D3 wounds.). Next up is the '''Arioch Power Claw''': D Melee, +1 attack Machine destroyer; at least you'll look rad. This then just leaves the '''Macro-gatling blaster''' looking a bit out in the woods: PW6, 5", Pinning at S10 AP3. It's really for just completely removing Marines from the board.
***Next up are the Assortment of carapace weapons (minimum 24"). These are all taken in a pair (the Ardex weapons cannot be changed). Standard are two Apocalypse Launchers, shrug. Then come in the DL-Turbolasers, TL-Vulcan Mega bolters, and Titan Plasma blastguns, for free. The Reaver-greade weapons are all 100 pts: Laser blasters, Meltacannons (which will look real fucking stupid with all this AC around) and Gatling Blasters. Then some uniques come in: 2XVortex missile banks for 150 pts, which essentially let you fling out a total of 4 of these missiles throughout the game (its the "Eh" 40k version). And 75 pts Incinerator missile banks: PW10, No cover, Apoc Barrage, one use each at S6 AP3; for when all the marines must die turn 1.
***You can probably tell now, the resultant purpose of these Titans is destroy any supporting forces as quickly as possible, before destroying other super heavies in a barrage of unrelenting firepower across a number of turns and slugging it out, where as the Reaver is probably just blasting down enemy super heavies. In either case you may wish to sit down, take a look at your bank-statements and wonder how on earth you are going to be reasonably transporting this to the secret Drug-Cartel hideout where they fight each other with Titan Legions.

==Available to all==
In Tempest, they decided rather have the occasional unit fall through the Sieve, to just state all Mechanicum factions get these.

===Heavy Support===
*'''Thanatar Calix:''' Didn't get any changes from the .pdf; didn't even get its Sollex buffed to a Neutron beam. Essentially this thing is very good at opening up Fortifications and high-cost vehicles. See above for the great tower of text.

*'''Thanatar Cynis:''' Once upon a time, the Magos of Estaban III were wondering if they could make cheaper Thanatars; they failed and Ryza was really upset. It results in the marginally more expensive, smaller squad size, the Thanatar-Cynis; you ever wanted a giant plasma shotgun? You now have it! You were wondering where that Gets Hot was? It's here! This baby has '''two''' Plasma Ejectors: 18" (It's Mechanicus), S8, Ap2, Heavy 2, 3" blast, Plasma wave (with gets hot)... and a Mauler-Bolt cannon. It's short range may make it awkward to use, but correctly deployed it will ruin whatever squad is unfortunate to stand before it, regardless of their ilk.
**Though expensive, it could be used against cheap-infantry blobs in a pinch due to its spammyness, which is obviously a waste of its power. It's better used against TEQ and MEQs.
**Salamander terminators, with their invul saves, not withstanding however, though you will score a lot of wounds and likely take a few out.
***Vulkan has a squad of these to bathe him each morning. Keep them the hell away from him, but against every other Primarch start giggling; especially Angron as he cannot even use his standard save vs the Mauler-bolt cannon!

==Allies==

===Battle Brothers===

*'''Sons of Horus''' Troop Reavers make excellent scoring units (you took Maloghurst, right?). Just keep them backed up with Castellax and Thallax.
*'''Iron Hands''' They don't really offer us much we don't already have. They do, however, soak up bullets very well, so consider them for forward objective capture.
*'''Salamanders''' Resolutely meh for us. Iron Hands and Iron Warriors capture better.
*'''Iron Warriors''' Tough fuckers who don't mind getting shot. Consider a few drop-pod fulls for capturing forward objectives. Or use them as heavy support whilst using thallax and castellax for clearing up dug enemies. Altogether the best legion alongside mechanicum
*'''Raven Guard''' With their ability to infiltrate infantry, they can sneak a vox anywhere on the field to guide in deep striking thallax/ursarax. Consider if that's your play style, otherwise they don't bring us much we don't already have.
*'''Knights''' What's better than two knights palling it it up with your dudes? MORE KNIGHTS! Think this one through though, since we can already take them as lords of war.

===Fellow Warriors===
*'''Alpha Legion''' 20 strong Tac Squads that infiltrate on point? Yes please! This said, unless you're looking to take some armor as well, Raven Guard does it better, since they can call in deep strikers. Really it all comes down to how badly you want to field that Sicaran/have a Dreadnought Talon broing it up with your Castellax.
*'''Emperors Children'''
*'''Night Lords'''
*'''Death Guard'''
*'''World Eaters'''
*'''Word Bearers'''
*'''Generic/Other'''
*'''Custodes'''
*'''Sisters'''
*'''Imperial Army''' May act as objective-bench warmers; possibly bring ordnance onto the field?
**Though with the increased squad size of Tech-thralls, this may not be such an issue now.
***[[Warhammer_40,000/Tactics/Solar_Auxilia_(30k)|Solar Auxilia]] If you're taking these, you'll probably drop Tech-Thralls immediately; 100pts (Lasrifle section) for 20 man squad, Heavy2 36", overwatching on BS2, likely to get WS4 and 4+ save is pretty good in anyone's books. Though it has LD8/7, being able to always regroup is pleasant. Also, Lasrifle Sections come stock with a nuncio-vox, which can help your Thanatars and deep-striking Thallax/Ursarax a lot, freeing up your cyber-occulari to focus on their other forms of mischief, or saving you the trouble of getting the djinn skein altogether, if that's what you were planning to use those for. Alternatively Veletaris offers you some pretty nice potent short range fire power, but any variation of Mechanicum is hardly lacking in that. What you want from an allied choice is most likely cheaper barrage/template options than the Thanatar. The Rapier battery can see this pretty well, with the Quad mortar option filling this best: 60pts for small template spamming with pinning, uniquely possessing a shorter ranged direct fire option which rerolls armour penetration. This takes an elite slot, but you would not be missing anything else in this, probably. The Artillery battery, though durable, is pricey compared to Vanilla guardsmen options (presuming Imperial-Army vanilla will use Chimera based Artillery).
***Alternatively you may consider the Malcador. Yes a Superheavy as a heavy support option, and a fast super-heavy at that! It costs 5 points less than the Thanatar, you get 13/13/12 HP6 and 3 autocannons (Multi-laster and Hv.Flamer is free) alongside a Leman-Russ cannon, so you could leave it at that. If you feel like dropping 30 points you could get a Demolisher cannon and a Battlecannon firing at the same time (though, you would have to convert either Lascannons to a battlecannon or a hull gun to a demolisher if you're not performing a complete scratch build). If you wanted to fork out 10 more points you could the drop the fast property and ram your self up to front 14, you could then ram Flare shield and Armoured Ceramite, totaling up to 320 pts for vehicle that will take ALOT of shit forward facing and at 6 Hull points you'll be taking that for a while.
***[[Warhammer 40,000/Tactics/Imperial Militia and Cults (30k)|Imperial Milita and Cults]] have a dizzying array of options for you to take. You can make Pseudo-Skitarii with a combination of ''Survivors of the Dark Age'' and ''Cyber Augmented'', or even get some cultist support if you're playing Dark Mechanicum. Generally they seem to be similar to the Imperial Guard from 40K, in that they have a large number of expendable soldiers backed by tanks, so take them if you want more bodies on the ground. Seriously consider which Provenances of War you give them, generally you will be wanting them to stay in place and camp objectives, so Abhuman Helots with Discipline Collars will work wonders, and if they have Cyber-Augmetics then they count as Sworn Brothers!
*'''[[Warhammer 40,000/Tactics/Questoris Knight Crusade (30k)|Knights]]'''

==Tactical Discussion==

'''As Allies:'''
Real talk. Legion troops cost a lot. Tactical Squad? 10 bolter marines for 150 points. Buy them a rhino or max them with an apothecary? 200-350 for 1 troop choice with only bolters. When you start looking at non-compulsory options like terminators or tactical support squads they break the bank even worse.

Enter Mechanicum (from book 2). The best way of getting cheap fearless troops into a legion army:

*'''1: Cheap scoring units''' –The cheapest ally option. A naked Magos Dominus and two units of fearless Tech-Thralls runs around 165 points. That’s two fearless objective campers and a guy who can repair tanks. Now with Taghmata, even cheaper and more blobby!

*'''2: Troop Deathstar''' –A Magos Dominus, some upgrades, and two scoring Castellax runs around 275 points. That’s ten majority toughness 7 wounds. If you take lance weapons, you have up to 6 48-60” S7, AP2, heavy 2 lance shots (which you can fire TWICE if you don’t roll like a 13 year old with a superiority complex on xbox live). Make them melee oriented and you have an all-around MC hunter or tarpit unit. Or just march it alongside your tactical blob- blow up tanks with your lances and then fury of the legion the assholes inside. If it’s still alive, charge in your MCs.

*'''3: Skimmer + Objective Hunter''' – Thallax Cohorts are fast and their best feature is reducing cover saves by 2 points. 200 gets you a cohort and a Magos Dominus kitted into a support role. Use the Thallax to uproot objective campers in cover or hunt all those pesky jetbikes, skimmers, and light vehicles. Jink saves against the 2 S7 AP5 and 3 S6 AP3 shots? Bitch please.

Here's something to try:
Make a Myrmidon Destructor squadron, four-strong. Pack two with Conversion Beamers and two with Irradiation Engines. Have them joined by the ArchMagos, pray you get the "Free Twin-Linked for a unit within 6"" trait, park in a tower and snipe to your heart's content. Everything comes at you gets cancer, everything that stays away gets Beamed. Be sure to reinforce with Castellax to toss head first at the enemy lines to give them something to keep shooting at.

As for Mechanicum allies; Ally LC with Taghmata, or vice versa. This is primarily to get the Archmagos for the Castellaxs and the Magos-Prime for the Thralls and the IC.

== Magos options ==
There are so many different setups for Magos of any kind it deserves it own section - if to avoid cluttering the normal entries for Magos and Tactics.
*Magos Prime
**[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkLvpt9Z3fA]Photonman: Archmagos, Myrmidax, Photon Thruster, Photon Gauntlet; this works out at some a little shy of 200 points. You'll be spewing out, at 12", 4 AP2 Blind shots - woe betide any Terminator that dares to approach you. You may wish to give him a Cyber-familiar or a Warpshunt field to get 3+ invulns as without the Machinator Array, you are potentially vulnerable to Vindicators - and as one of the best uses of this guy is to plop him in a unit of Destructors this will likely be the case.
***A Graviton Imploder may not be a bad alternative if you're looking for close range duties; or even Dual photon gauntlets if you're look to keep that Machinator Array. Both of these options however will reduce the long-capabilities massively (and the latter removing close combat capabilities, and lowering the likelihood of wounding).
**If you just want to piss your opponent off, give your Magos/Archmagos the following: Nanyte Blaster, Phase Walker, Contagium Mechanica, Void Shield Harness, and a jetpack plus whatever else you might feel like taking, like an abeyant or cyber-familiar. every turn, simply pop up exactly at 12" from vehicle or infantry blobs and have at it with the appropriate relic fuckery, then jet out of charge range in order to continue fucking around next turn. as long as you don't get into close combat, you could completely decimate the entire enemy army with this one douchebag. Also could be useful for taking whatever objective you need in Maelstrom games, but that's mainly just the Phase Walker.

[[Category:Warhammer Tactics/30k]]

[[Category: Adeptus Mechanicus]]

{{Warhammer_30k_Tactics}}

Board-tans/pol

2022-04-23T19:00:43Z

2001:67C:2628:647:12:0:0:234: Removing edit war tag, as it seems to be over.

{{heresy}}
{{flamewar}}
{{sick}}
{{DISPLAYTITLE:/pol/ - Politically Incorrect}}
{{Template:Board-tan Index}}

'''Gender/Physical Description:''' Born April 6, 2006 as /n/ (News), /new/ in January 28, 2010, /pol/ in December 2011 due to a /new/ redirect, then died in late 2015 or some time after the /pol/ocaust. Traditionalists see him as a rebranding of /new/ due to the 4chan.org/new redirect. His new design has a green suit, but due to his current black suit design being often drawn, people are unwilling to let go.

'''Personality/Habits/Hobbies/Behavior:''' Antagonistic, bigoted, paranoid, self-absorbed, petty, hypocritical, childish and obsessed with not only knowing everything about conspiracies but ensuring everyone else does as well. Spends much of his time focused on the goings-on of the world and how they relate back to the Jewish menace, or at least some other ulterior force with nefarious goals. /pol/ is a know nothing know it all who claims to be an authority on genetics, political science, climatology and economics despite being a high school drop-out (as he believes that every institute of education is a liberal cesspit full of brainwashing) and the only real job he has ever had is retail work. He only views sources that support his fringe views, no matter how dubious the source is. Sources that aren't dubious tend to not be cross-referenced, get cherrypicked to support his conspiracy theories and often not even read past the title. /sci/, /his/ and /lit/ regularly demolish his claims and he never learns anything when it happens. Obsessed with The Great Happening and eagerly awaits its arrival.

'''Relationships:''' /pol/ is notorious for spreading his bullshit everywhere. Whether he does this consciously or not isn't clear; it's more likely passersby hear his rambling, find it interesting and propagate it without him having to do anything. In this respect, his popularity mirrors the popularity of 4chan itself. Became /v/'s comrade during the whole GamerGate debacle but after doing things that /v/ specifically told him not to do, he ran away when this resulted in Gamergate coming under fire. Is Vivian's uncle, but /v/ has threatened to strangle him if he tries to contact her. Will sometimes bait /tg/, but /tg/ usually knows better than to respond.

Few boards would openly claim to like him, but years of ranting has paid off depending on who'd you ask. He is the mortal enemy of social justice warriors across the internet, as well as the Jew (who doesn't exist, goy). /k/ utterly despises him since /pol/ isn't actually pro-gun (/k/ supports gun ownership for all while /pol/ thinks only whites should be allowed) and he regularly vandalizes /k/'s things and tries to get him to help him fight a race war. /mlp/ idolizes /pol/, but /pol/ sees /mlp/ as the epitome of kike brainwashing and estrogen in the water. They may or may not be in a relationship. /int/ appreciates /pol/ and his idolization of the white race, but they can't agree on who is white. Other boards just wish he would keep his conspiracies out of their hobby. /pol/ has recently become infatuated for /x/, and has since been in competition with /v/ for /x/'s affection (see Winter Ball 2014). This is because /pol/ believes /x/ to be Ebola-chan's mother, and doesn't want to become a degenerate single father to his beloved daughterfu. He isn't sure what to make of /lgbt/. On one hand, /lgbt/'s full of degeneracy and won't stop hitting on him. On the other, their opinions match up more than one would expect as /lgbt/ loves shooting for the title of "honarary aryan" to spare themselves from /pol/'s wrath. More recently, he asked /o/ to the 2016 4chan Winter Ball, she accepted, and thus began their adventure to gas the bikes.

He has recently gone off his rocker, believing that he can affect world events by wearing a special hat. The other boards would sympathize with his descent into madness if it didn't cause him to become even more obnoxious than he is normally.

Has now entered officially into a relationship with /mlp/ as of the 2017 April fool's day debacle whereupon they were both locked in a broom cupboard together for an entire day and found they had more in common than they thought. Rumours of a Pregnancy continue to circulate, as nobody can be sure whether the existence of [[Board-tans/mlpol|/mlpol/]] will continue to exist or flounder.

On the 5th of April, /mlpol/, /pol/ and /mlp/'s child, was killed by mods. This has, obviously, not been good for either of their mental states, and both /pol/ and /mlp/ are looking into occult means of retrieving /mlpol/ from the underworld with the help of /x/, much to the dismay of other boards, who have to listen to their ramblings.

On May 4th of the same year, /pol/ later had a second child in [[Board-tans/bant|/bant/]] whose mother was unknown, a child who he desperately attempted to make as a replacement for /mlpol/ but failed, only succeeding in alienating the young board in the process. /pol/ continues to support her and hopes that he will be able to turn her into one of his footsoldiers, but his abrasive, cruel nature compared to her desire to take it easy makes this an unlikely except for the few moments where their desires align. He periodically sends her his threads as a means to educate /bant/ about the Jew and other dangers of the world, but more often than not they end up being saged and slid off the board in short order. /bant/'s disapproval is one of the few negative relationships that frustrates /pol/ about his inability to control, and he fears that with her status as a trial board he might lose her like /mlpol/, and is powerless to do anything about it.

Both the people who made /mlpol/ and /bant/'s papa backstory should get some therapy.

'''Job:''' /pol/'s main focus is his blog where he spreads (dis)information about current political and socioeconomic events. In order to make ends meet, he works a shitty retail job. If asked about his lack of success in life, he will claim that it's because of the jews keeping down goyim like him. No board is fooled by this and knows that it's because he is a high school drop-out with the social skills of a betta fish.

<center>/POL/ DEPICTIONS:</center>

<gallery class="center">
File:2015 result of moot triggering pol.png|/pol/ during the /pol/harbor 2014
File:0001.jpg|Three popular /pol/ appearances during the 2014 Winter Ball OTP-fest
File:2.png|/new/ as a rebranded /pol/-tan. Used during /pol/'s earlier years pre-2014.
File:Polgbt.png|A version of /pol/ used for /polgbt/. Based off a comic featuring /polgbt/ innawoods.
File:Homestuck pol co.png|homestuck, /pol/, /co/. The green suit campaigned against black suit in various board-tan skirmishes.
File:Project hate machine pol.png| Project Hate Machine /pol/, 2014-current.
File:Gasthebikes.jpg| Gas the bikes!
</gallery>

<center>/POL/ WITH OTHER BOARDS:</center>

<gallery class="center">
File:1421243997603.jpg|/pol/ meeting /x/ on the radio waves
File:1408395235029.png|/lgbt/ and /pol/ users on Omegle
File:Vivbirth.png|/pol/ helping /v/ with Vivian's creation
File:Pol and mlp.jpg|Fiction with /pol/ and /mlp/'s tans
File:Polb.png| /pol/ and /b/ with tumblr on Independence Day, 2014
File:Srgfd.png| An anon's opinion on /pol/
File:Polobegins.png| /pol/ asks /o/ to the ball.
</gallery>

[[Category:Pure Evil]]
[[Category:Sick]]

Forgotten Realms

2022-04-23T19:00:32Z

2001:67C:2628:647:12:0:0:234: Removing edit war tag, as it seems to be over.

[[Image:3EFRlogo.gif|center]]
'''Forgotten Realms''' is an official [[Dungeons & Dragons Campaign Settings|Dungeons and Dragons campaign setting]] created by [[Ed Greenwood]] circa 1967 for his little stories, but was not part of the official [[TSR Games]]/[[Wizards of the Coast]] lineup until 1987 and has since been supported by TSR/WotC through all five editions of the game. The setting is supported by hundreds of novels' worth of lore by dozens of authors ([[R.A. Salvatore]] being a standout), and is notable for prominently featuring the [[Planetouched]].

==Setting==
[[File:Toril-3e.jpg|thumb|right|400px|Deja vu, I've been in this place before..]]
Set on the planet Abeir-Toril, most of the Forgotten Realms source material focuses on the continent Faerûn. Faerûn is pretty similar to pre-industrial Europe, with the exceptions of all of that crazy fantasy stuff. At the low end, Wizards and Sorcerers make up 1% of the typical human population, and half of them are actually good at it. It seems to think that's a small number, despite being substantially more than MDs in the modern world (0.29%), most of whom are in very niche specialties. Multiple Clerics, "often" mid-level, can be found "in virtually every thorp and hamlet", and are common enough that people tend to die of old age, rather than injury their body can't heal naturally or disease. Despite a serious percentage of the population being casters, many of some skill, outside of Thay none of them do anything but maintain the status quo, try to violently conquer the world, or violently put an end to those trying to conquer the world. (That's the player's and villains' job)

Here are a plethora of nations, kingdoms, organizations, deities, and fully fleshed-out NPCs who are ripe with political intrigue and conflict.

As [[Lorraine Williams|You Know Who]] tightened her grip on TSR, and pushed [[Greyhawk]] and [[Mystara|The Known World]] into the margins, Forgotten Realms annexed some other authors' work. [[Douglas Niles]]' [[Bloodstone Pass]] and R.A. Salvatore's [[Icewind Dale]] both got retconned in. And then Niles did [[Maztica]]. Each time this happened, that pushed the boundaries of ''others''' creativity that much further away. You know. Those others, who don't have contracts with bigshot publishers. ''Us.''

By the end of 2e little left on Toril was left worth a DM's time to flesh out that had not been fleshed out. There was very, very little room for an incomer's own stuff.

Even WoTC thought that this had gotten really out of hand: when 4th edition rolled along, they decided to give the place a reboot. Hey, the Time of Troubles worked for the 1e-to-2e shift, right? They came up with the idea of "the Spellplague": killing [[Mystra]] off through the machinations of her long-time enemy [[Cyric]] and triggering another massive magical upheaval, similar to the one that had ended the Age of Magic when Mystryl had been killed off. They then skipped time forward a century, to add icing to the cake, presenting a rebuilding world and retconning Abeir-Toril from being the planet's almost never used full name (so it'd be first in the setting encyclopedia) to being twin planets, with [[Abeir]], under the dominion of the [[Archomental|Primordials]], serving as an origin for 4th edition races.

Unfortunately... the result was an absolute PR ''nightmare''. The dramatic changes in everything from geology to cosmology, with the [[World Tree]] replaced by the [[World Axis]], just infuriated the setting's fandom, who have something of a reputation as obsessive-compulsive [[grognard]]s even by the standards of the D&D fandom.

Not surprisingly, when the edition change rolled out, a new apocalyptic makeover, the Sundering, was used alongside a 10 year skip to change things more back to the way they were. Although, on the plus side, a lot of the uber-NPCs who didn't have huge fanbases actually stayed dead - they even killed off some more of Mystra's Chosen during the Sundering.

All in all, Forgotten Realms is the ultimate [[skub]] setting of D&D, with people still bitching over every little change from 1st edition onwards. Yes, even more than 2e/3e [[Greyhawk]]: at least there, the grognards enjoy a consensus, that what ''[[From The Ashes]]'' did was a blip, a Late Unpleasantness in the past. Ironically, 5e's attempt at focusing attention on the Realms has begun making it even less popular, as by this point most of the fandom is getting well and truly sick that one setting is getting all the 5e love.

You'll notice going down that a lot of the sub-settings, in particular, seem to rip-off of real-world places and people. Well, that's intentional: Forgotten Realms was designed with the idea that it has long had secret portals to our real-world throughout history - which may or may not have anything to do with the D&D Cartoon. So, a lot of shit in Forgotten Realms is literally supposed to have either been brought there from earth, or inspired earth by slipping through the portals. Mulhorand, for example, is not only "Ancient Egypt in D&D with the Egyptian Gods ruling it", but is by its fluff actually populated ''by'' the descendants of Ancient Egyptians who were sucked through portals into the Realms and enslaved by evil wizards.

===[[Faerûn]]===
{{dnd-stub}}
Medieval/Renaissance Europe/Near East/Africa. The setting of the vast majority of D&D stories, including those of a certain dark elf, to top it all off with the center of attention in D&D videogames to boot. This setting provided inspiration for most of the 3e [[splatbook|splatbooks]]. Most of the attention Faerûn gets is centered on its west coast, the Swordcoast, and [[Dalelands]].

A common theme of the continent, (as the others like [[Kara-Tur]] and [[Zakhara]] were original and currently treated as separate D&D worlds). How littered the region is with the remains of long-dead temples, towns, cities, and civilizations whose existence has mostly washed from memory with the passing of time (Forgotten Realms TM). Rarely does this happen by mundane real-life means like profits drying up or being conquered by a neighbor. It always has to be the fault of some Fiend, power-hungry Mage(s), and/or adventuring party, with a notable percentage of the prevous occupants dying in some horrific manner, often with a Horde of orcs being somehow involved that has come to raid and raze the place before, during or after the incident. [[grimdark|So remember when exploring some ruins, never will the original inhabitants just abandon a place willingly, minute residue from their dusty dried blood must still stain the walls]].

<gallery>
Faerun political.jpeg|full Faerûn map
Faerûn map.jpeg|the 5e map of the western Faerûn focused on Sword Coast with the immediate lands around it.
Faerun 1e.jpeg|1e
1479-faerun low-res 4e.jpeg|4e map, mostly outdated so use older ones.
YearofOathsForsakenMap.jpeg
</gallery>

====[[Sword Coast]]====
{{dnd-stub}}
As a continent is still a Dizzying vast place, Sword Coast is the main location for adventures or at least the start, with the majority of 5e modules assuming this. In terms of operation area, the Sword Coast is the areas surrounding cities that are part of the [[Lords' Alliance]]. This is your Usual sandbox fantasy location, with cities-states Overlooking smaller Towns, instead of classical Kingdoms. Still tons of monsters and ruins of past civilizations.
<gallery>
The-sword-coast-campaign-map.jpeg| the Sword Coast, the place most of your official 5e Forgotten Realms games will happen.
Faerûn map.jpeg|The Sword Coast with the Heartlands, so [[Baldur's Gate]] can feel included.
Skt03-thenorth.jpeg|the North, the place most 5E modules take place.
</gallery>

====[[The Lands of Intrigue]]====

South of the [[Sword Coast]] and [[Baldur's Gate]] is basically Faerûn's slice of [[Zakhara]]. Long ago the [[Genie]] lord Calim swept into the area with his lackeys and created his slave empire. Eventually, his [[Genie]] generals tried to take a slice of Caliym's pie for themselves, resulting in a brief war that absolutely ended with the local angry treehunging elves High mages Fusing much of the Genie across the nation into a giant floating crystal, taking care to also shatter Calim's and his former head righthand, Memnon, minds across the land, Transforming the surrounding area into a desert as a byproduct. and then the elves pat themselves on the back and called it a day instead of finishing the job like they usually do.

After their master was imprisoned, the humans created their own empire of [[Calimshan]], with eventually the land of Tethyr rebelling for independence, resulting in the merchant nation of [[Amn]] also getting some breathing room.

Amn the nothern plutocratic nation of trade ruled by a council of once 6 now 5 wealthy families. Ships from every land on Toril make port in Athkatta, the city of a coin whose marketplace is twice the size of [[Waterdeep]]s. From magic items to your [[slavery|kidnapped grandma]] this is the best place to find, buy and sell those kinds of things. Wealth is expected to be flaunted and the only major government setback to committing most crimes is paying a fine for getting caught. The only death penalty is being an Arcane caster who has not paid the secretive Cowled Wizards' steep membership fee.

In the south, not so obsessed with acquiring wealth as Calimshan receives about as much trade as Amn. Like Amn, wealth determines power in Calimshan movement class hierarchies, with the Syl-pasha, the "chief guildmaster" of the city of Calimport being usually the most important. Calimshan is defined by how prevalent magic is in everyday life and sees itself as the greatest of nations as they accept and are willing to evoke any and all gods in the Faerûn pantheon and have at least one still working temple dedicated to each one. Nothing can go wrong when a public temple to [[Lawful Stupid|Ty]][[Lawful Stupid|r]], [[Bhaal|Bha]][[Murderhobos|al]], [[Cyric|Cy]][[Stupid Evil|ric]] are in the same city.

Sandwiched between the two nations is the kingdom of Tethyr. The Spanish Constitutional monarchy, with landholding being important with gods that enrich it the most important. Tethyr's history has long been defined by the many secret coups and the peasants' viva la revolutions.

====[[Shining South]]====
Pseudo-Africa and Pseudo-India, in that it's mostly covered in tropical jungles and swamps, with one huge-ass desert. Notable regions include Halruaa, an isolationist [[magocracy]], [[Dambrath]], a nation of horse-riding, [[Loviatar]]-worshipping black [[amazons]] (of the "women run things, men obey" variety) ruled over the by [[Crinti]] (a matriarchal mixture of [[half-elves]], [[drow]], and half-drow), and the [[halfling]] homeland of [[Luiren]]. Is home to Faerun's native population of [[thri-kreen]], as well as a race of [[spelljammer|alien]] [[beastfolk|elephant people]] called [[Loxo]]s.

Despite the Shining South's lack of any major influence or pronounced interaction with the rest of the Forgotten Realms, the damage this region suffered as a result of the 4E [[Spellplague]] - which, amongst other things, saw [[Halruaa]] blow up and Dambrath's Crinti rulers be deposed by a human uprising that brought about a restoration of their pre-Crinti culture - was hugely unpopular. Some of that is inexplicable - Halruaa blowing up makes perfect sense, since the place was literally as magical as [[Eberron]] and the Spellplague's whole thing was making magic dangerously unstable - but other complaints are more reasonable; if such an "old ways" movement against the Crinti had ever been explicitly mentioned in 3e or 2e lore, Dambrath's civil uprising would have made sense - especially in light of the baked-in drow tendency towards slave raids - but with no explicit pretext, it seemingly comes out of nowhere.

5E brought [[Halruaa]] back from death. with foresight foreseeing the all-consuming blue fire that followed Mystra’s death, and used it to displace itself in Abeir (while displacing part of that world into the [[Plane of Shadow]]). Now they're back to spread the joys of Airships.

Dambrath are still are horse-riding nomads and hate the Crinti. They take [[lycanthropy]] as a showing reverence to a favored deity and honoring their heritage.

====[[Unapproachable East]]====
Eastern Asia, a blend of Mongolian, Russian, Indian, and Chinese traits. Most famous for being the lands covering [[Thay]], the biggest civilization of evil wizards in the setting, and the more obscure land of [[Rasheman]], which is sort of Russian berserker country ruled by masked witches but which everyone knows because it's the homeland of [[Minsc]]. It's the setting for ''Mask of the Betrayer'', the first expansion pack for ''[[Neverwinter Nights]] 2'', since they decided to set a Forgotten Realms video game somewhere interesting for once.

===[[The Horde|Hordelands]]===
The Eurasian Steppes, with Tibet thrown in as well, and yes they had their own version of [[Genghis motherfucking Khan]] and Mongol invasions. Didn't get updated for [[3e]], but bits got included in a Dragon article for 4e.

===[[Kara-Tur]]===
Ancient China/Japan/Korea. Updated for 3e with the ''[[Weeaboo Fightan Magic|Book of Weeaboo Fightan Magic]]'' and ''Oriental Adventures'', but never updated for 4e as a setting. Little bits of it were included in Dragon for 4e, covering [[Weeaboo|Samurai and Ninja]] and horde themes as well as new monk stuff and [[Hengeyokai]] as a race.

====[[Malatra]]====
Ancient India/Southeast Asia. Got its own living campaign at the end of [[2e]] and the beginning of 3e, and was soon forgotten afterward.

===[[Maztica]]===
Pre-Columbian South/Central America, the subject of the eponymous splatbook for AD&D. Was not updated for [[3e|3rd Edition]], but skipped a generation and got an update for [[4e|4th Edition]]. In the form of being replaced by the continent of [[Abeir]] and having everything about it shunted into another universe. Wasn't in [[3e]] either so fuck them. Manages to be the skubbiest aspect of the setting; some adore it for being South American Fantasy, a rare thing, others hate it for being so transparently "the Aztec world shunted into the Forgotten Realms". Some madlads at the [[DM's_Guild|DM's Guild]] went and wrote a full translation to [[5e|5th Edition]] with a "the Aztec world shunted into the Forgotten Realms, but this time the Aztecs won and gave [[Lolth]] and to a lesser extent [[Helm]] the finger before integrating the surviving colonists" feeling. Also, they're back where Abeir used to be because why the fuck not.

====[[Anchorome]]====
Pre-Columbian North America. What's written about is based on the [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ancestral_Puebloans Native Americans of the Four Corners] cultures.

====[[Katashaka]]====
Despite being located south of not!Central America, it's supposed to be based on Pre-Colonial Africa, and that is literally all that is known.

===[[Osse]]===
Pre-Colonial Australia. That's largely all that's known.

===[[Al-Qadim|Zakhara]]===
Medieval Middle East/Hollywood Arabia. Left to hang in the wind after 2e ended, save some 3e articles in [[Dragon Magazine]], and probably not likely to come back any time soon. But 5e did bring back the yakmen.

===[[Abeir]]===
Home to the [[Dragonborn]] and primordial elementals, as well as all the new sub-giant races and whatever else was introduced in 4e. Ruled over by evil draconic overlords, barring a few kingdoms founded by rebellious giants and humans. Oh, and some weird undead empire that has magical undead-only portals connecting to all graveyards and mausoleums and crypts on Toril, which they claim as their territory.

==Abridged History==
===Creation===
[[Ao]] creates the twin sister deities [[Shar]] and [[Selûne]]. Shar is darkity darkness levels of evil and Selûne isn't. So naturally, they hate each other. They swirl around in the void that is Realmspace for gods know how long until via catfighting, they accidentally create Toril and create a couple of gods, mainly [[Chauntea]] and [[Mystryl]]. The latter going on to die several times and become [[Mystra]] because she couldn't fucking balance the byproduct of her creation, the Weave, which is the source of all magic, both Arcane and Divine. Things just got out of hand after that and next thing you know, you've got your campaign setting.

===Karsus's Folly===
[[Netheril]], the Empire of Magic, ruled most of Faerûn long before Dale Reckoning. Netherese archmages were capable of obscene displays of magical power, such as the ''mythallar'' magic engines that enabled their signature floating cities to exist. The innately magical [[phaerimm]] opposed Netheril's heavy use of magic and retaliated, starting a war for the control of magic that created the [[Anauroch Desert]].

In -339 DR, the archwizard [[Karsus]] attempted to save the empire by becoming a god. He created what is likely the only 12th-level spell in existence, ''Karsus's avatar'', and used it to steal the power of [[Mystryl]], goddess of the Weave. His last thought before the spell turned him to stone was probably "I have made a huge mistake." The Weave, damaged by the Netheril-phaerimm war, finally collapsed without Mystryl's constant intervention, causing all magic to fail. That included the ''mythallars''. The majestic floating cities of Netheril plummeted to the ground.

In short, Karsus ruined everything for everybody on that day. Fortunately, Mystryl reincarnated herself and rose again as [[Mystra]], marking the first in the goddess's long line of deaths and rebirths. She repaired the Weave, managed to save three Netherese enclaves, and restructured the arcane magic of the Realms, cutting off mortal mages from spells above ninth level and requiring them to prepare their spells in advance.

This sparked all the shit that went down in the game [[Neverwinter Nights]] 2, and is the reason why magic sort of meets a cap.

===Times of Troubles===
The Times of Troubles, also known as the Avatar Crisis, started in 1358 DR when the two deities [[Bane]] and [[Myrkul]] thought it would be a great idea to steal the Tablets of Fate from the overdeity [[Ao]]. As punishment Ao banishes all of the gods to walk on Toril as mortals (except for [[Helm]] who was to guard the gateway back into the heavens) until whoever stole them felt bad and returned them. During this time [[Mystra]] got some of her power back and thought it would be a brilliant idea to challenge Helm to get back into the heavens. Helm wouldn't have any of it and bitch slapped her down the Celestial Stairway. She hit the bottom and died in an explosion of magic. Eventually, some mortals, Midnight (who went on to be the next Mystra), [[Kelemvor]], [[Cyric]], and [[Adon of Sune]], fixed everything and they got be gods for a reward. Except for Adon of Sune, he really got the short end of the stick on the loot table for that encounter. He lost faith in Mystra, committed suicide, then got his faith back and went on to frolic in the brothel in the sky. This signaled the change from AD&D 1e to the second edition and magic changed in real-time in correspondence to these events, depicted in the canon Forgotten Realms Comic book series, featuring [[Bruce Campell]] as an Ex-drug addict [[halfling]], an ex-alcoholic [[Paladin]], an Elf with expressions that would put the Laughing elf to shame, a hot golem, and other goodies.

Keep in mind these are relatively recent events, being about 150 years before 5e modern times, 3 to 4 generations ago, where you could ask an older Dwarf or Elf what it was like during that chaos when gods walked the world.

===The Spellplague===
In 1385 DR the goddess [[Shar]] had the god [[Cyric]] stab the goddess of magic Mystra. This caused giant pillars of blue fire to ravage Toril, killing untold masses and driving most wizards to madness. One of the few wizards to be unaffected by the event is [[Szass Tam]], who continues to be a badass by turning into an uber-powerful [[lich]], seizing control over Thay, and killing off almost everybody there to create a fuck-huge kingdom of the undead. To make matters worse, unlike the previous times Mystra has died she couldn't reincarnate, a stunning development that "changes the rules of magic" which translates as another real-time spell-casting change for [[4e]] rules, just like what happened in the Time of Trouble. Parts of the planet end up either destroyed or switching places with parts of the land from [[Abeir]]. [[Elminster]] lost his special status and all his powers, and most of his Chosen buddies wound up dead. The Pantheon was reshuffled, [[Tiefling]]s changed to match the new unified tiefling look, and the [[World Tree]] was reshaped into the [[World Axis]]. It was a huge upheaval, with insurmountable [[rage]] from its critics.

===The Sundering===
In 1485, the worlds of [[Abeir]] and Toril split apart again, as WoTC tried to desperately bring back the Faerun grognards by [[retcon|retconning]] the Spellplague. It turns out being stabbed wasn't in fact enough to kill Mystra, she was just hungry and had wandered off to find a cheeseburger made of her own children. Abeir went back to where it belonged and several other dead gods who were deemed superfluous suddenly came back to life.

This event was known as the 'Sundering' but the writers didn't want to piss off the fans, so they held off explaining what the fuck happened until the fans could tell them what, in their opinion, should have happened. While waiting to be told how to do their jobs, dragons attacked everyone, trying to rescue [[Tiamat]] from [[Baator|Hell]] where she had in fact NOT been since before the Spellplague but because she was there in every other setting, we're all supposed to pretend that she was, so mighty adventurers can stop her from escaping in a linear story which was easier than the likes of the first time this asspull was pulled with Bloodstone Pass,''' Fuck you [[Bahamut]]'''.

From there, various other intersecting adventure modules happened at roughly the same time, and since things were mostly back to the pre-4e days everyone was happy. Except for [[dragonborn]] fans (and Dragonborn, whatever you think of them, are still a damn core race), as the writers quickly killed almost all of them off, or crammed them into a tiny corner of the world. Nonetheless, many grognards still balk at the return of several 4th edition era elements, such as cramming the [[Shadowfell]] and the [[Feywild]] in the Great Wheel. But, appeasing the old guard is ridiculously hard anyway. As much as the old guard wants a full reboot back to the Old Gray Box era (or some other era which can't be agreed on), the Sundering made it pretty clear that there is "One Canon, One Story, One Realms". Given the popularity of this new Realms among new players, it's unlikely that any major reboot or alteration will happen any time soon.

==The Appeal of Forgotten Realms==
In 1975 Sony released the Betamax video cassette system as a system of playing recorded TV shows and similar on your TV. A year later JCV released the first VHS system and there was a competition between these two formats. Both of these systems had their pros and cons comparatively with Betamax having among other benefits higher image quality. But ultimately VHS won the competition, mostly because it was more accessible to consumers and movie studios and as such established itself as the standard. Everyone had a VHS VCR, so everyone was buying VHS tapes and since everyone was buying VHS tapes people bought VHS VCRs and similar until DVDs and Blu Rays showed up.

Similarly, Dungeons and Dragons have become the standard for what people think of when someone brings up a tabletop RPG and Forgotten Realms has become that for the DnD setting. People may not have read the lore books 100% through but nowadays most people could imagine the broad strokes of the setting going in. Parties of Human Bards and Paladins, Dwarf Warriors, High Elven Mages, Wood Elven Archers and Halfling Rogues and Bards wandering the countryside and delving dungeons dealing with orcs, kobolds, bandits, beholders, skellingtons, necromancers, and various monsters leading up to the many flavors of dragons. When you see someone doing a tabletop campaign in fiction, it's usually based on Forgotten Realms more often than not. For better or worse, Forgotten Realms is the Archetype. As it's the thing that most people are familiar with and as such is something that is easy for a tabletop group to get into. You may think the whole Tolkien Knockoff world thing is overdone. You may desire something with fresh ideas in a novel setting built largely from the ground up. Fully valid positions to hold which encourage creativity. But the ability to get into a familiar setting without having to look through a whole bunch of homework is convenient and lets you shake things up if you want to using that common framework.

==Interesting Side Notes==
*[[Drizzt]] will outlive all of his friends and he cries about this often until they fixed it.
*There was a time Drizzt was bearable until all of his adventures amounted to the power of friendship and his magical power of secretly Lolth's blessing empowering him into a [[murderhobo]] [[edge]] lord that got so broken he BEAT FUCKING [[Demogorgon|DEMOGORGON]] with the power of an anime power-up one-shot asspull to SAVE THE [[Underdark|UNDERDARK]]
*The Neverwinter Online scenario of this event had the Demon Prince smack him and his party straight into an Abyssal rift, after the generic shounen speech of the power of friendship which is a great way to retcon this entire event for a ranger beating a monster so hard to kill based on how much it can throw at a party in summon-spam alone, nevermind the threat the creature itself actually poses.
*[[Elminster]] has sex with Elvira who is polymorphed into a man. He also was turned into a woman once, he's effectively, [[Heresy|a massive fucking degenerate]] that hasn't been killed off because plot Armour and horribly oppressive "good" organization of spies, scouts, and adventurers he tricks into doing his work for him, he also advertises Faerun as anything but a clusterfuck continent so full, it feels more like the description of the endless murderfest an MMORPG provides over an actual living setting.
*[[Szass Tam]] is fucking awesome and basically Ming the Merciless in D&D.
*[[Larloch]], Feared Master of the Warlock's Crypt, is one of the few statted NPCs representatives of a finalized epic-level minmaxed PC wizard, with so much shit in his arsenal he ranks as a DMPC in his own right. He's also (with a little bit of Szass Tam) the inspiration for the character of Ainz Ooal Gown from [[Approved anime|Overlord.]]
*[[Tempus]], the badass bro jock god of battle.
*The world goes to hell in the [[Dungeons & Dragons 4th Edition|4th edition]].
*After apparently being killed by one of his only friends, the god Helm survived the Spellplague in the form of a goat.
*The first 3-D CRPG was set in FR.
*[[This Guy|Jarlaxle the dashing drow mercenary]] had a [[Monstergirls|three way with twin copper dragon sisters]] named Tazmikella and Ilnezhra.
*[[Khelben Blackstaff]] has a fear of Lawyers and will do ANYTHING in his powers to avoid them, even resorting to elaborate illusions of unwanted marital scenarios to avoid lawsuits from extraplanar entities (I am not making this up)
*The setting is so high magic that even before the current established era in 3.5 and onward, even back in Ancient Netheril, there were FUCKING LICHES EVERYWHERE.
*The God of Vampires does not give a fuck, do not try to make him, he will just try to eat you and fuck with you on his layer of the Abyss.
*His high priest fucks Lolth, and this is the reason why Drow like vampires so much
*The last time a vampire gave a shit in FR, he nearly conquered [[Baldur's Gate]] itself solo, but got his ass kicked because he went ahead of a forty-thousand undead strong army with a [[macguffin]] that literally made him an [[Elder Evil]], by technicality of demigod level strength which would have been even more broken anyway as he was a base vampire + vampire Lord
*[[Minsc]] was petrified, turned into stone, and kept preserved until [[Wizards of the Coast|marketing]] would call upon him again for a lackluster comic book series that is only good for shilling 5th edition products as bad as Neverwinter Online and [[Baldur%27s_Gate_(Games)#Siege_of_Dragonspear|Siege of Dragonspear]].

==Forgotten Realms And Sex==
The current Forgotten Realms material is highly sanitized from Ed's original vision. In FR as created by Ed:

*Bi-sexuality is normal (and yes, this means the [[Elf|men]] as well as the [[Amazon|women]])
*Transgenderism is encouraged by several deities so that priests can experience life as the other sex
*"Revels" (some of which involve sex) are normal
*"Festhalls" (many of which employ prostitutes as staff) are relatively common and visiting them is the normal way to spend evening.
*Prostitution is a core industry of Forgotten Realms; "sex workers" are all over and there are about 40 different names for different kinds of prostitutes.
*Incest is a normal way for noble families to "indulge feelings of mutual affection" (poor people don't as they can't afford the contraception)
*Pretty much all of the immortal NPCs in the Realms have come to believe that accepted sexual norms are bullshit, so they flout them. Constantly

All of this is confirmed by [[Ed Greenwood]] himself, from Ed's responses to fan queries on the Candlekeep forum.
[http://www.candlekeep.com/library/articles/sse/so_saith_ed.htm So Saith Ed here,] [https://pastebin.com/hEVadYsN here,] [https://pastebin.com/1MuQ6wFt and here.] It's also all completely, 100% canon thanks to Ed's ludicrously favorable contract.

Of course, this isn't exactly out of place in certain historical periods and cultures (Per example the Greeks, the Etruscans, were particularly known for having frequent orgies, Canaanite religion frequently involved cross-dressing (which may be why the Bible forbids it) and the nobility of many cultures like Hawaiians and the Ptolemy Egyptians practiced sibling incest so as to avoid muddling the bloodline with peasant genome; Rome had all of the above at various points), so some individual cultures or nations with this going on probably wouldn't be off the mark, and notably, the post that included the stuff about incest also included that Ed himself is against incest... but when the whole damn world is into this stuff, it's not treated as a problem, no one questions it and there's no sign of things changing, then clearly the author has something on his mind.

In short, the Forgotten Realms are [[Ed Greenwood]]'s [[magical realm]] cleaned up by [[TSR]] and later [[Hasbro]] for general consumption, and the Romantic Encounters mod for [[Baldur's_Gate_(Games)|Baldur's Gate]] is probably canon.

As of 5E, WoTC has decided to embrace the first bullet-point, there are random bits of homosexuality everywhere. Two men sharing a bed, a married pair of male porters and married pair of homesteaders, a gnome settlement with two kings, and a shopkeeper with nonbinary pronouns all appear in 5e adventures. An attempt to [[Retcon]] the massively corrupt and crime-ridden city of Waterdeep into "Seattle during Pride" was actually met with significant backlash.

No regular orgies in every village yet, but [[Rime of the Frostmaiden]] does feature a completely inbred town.

{{D&D-Settings}}

[[Category:Forgotten Realms]]

Examples of Play

2022-04-23T18:58:35Z

2001:67C:2628:647:12:0:0:234: Removing edit war tag, as it seems to be over.

{{Best|month = October 2008}}
The following is archived sections of a thread from /tg/.

Y'know, every time I read the core book for an [[RPG]], they always have an example of play. Usually goes like this.

<BLOCKQUOTE>
"Here is an example of play that doesn't get into the rules (we'll leave that for a later chapter) but rather demonstrates roleplaying. The DM is Chris, John is playing Urthden, a human fighter, Giles is a dwarven barbarian, Gwen is an elven ranger, and Billy is playing a human wizard! They've just come to the entrance of Malik Hur, a terrible tomb of a lich that was buried eons ago! 
 
'''Chris:''' The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility. 
'''Billy:''' Blast! How shalt we get through this door? King Darod and his Kingdom are depending upon us to retrieve the cure! 
'''Gwen:''' Don't worry, I have an idea! Remember earlier when we were interrogating that skeleton? He mentioned that the water moves when the stone strikes it . . . 
'''John:''' And that stones move when water touches them! Brilliant! Alright, I'll go and grab some water from that creek that Chris mentioned earlier—" 
</BLOCKQUOTE>

And on and on in perfect harmony. Who has ever REALLY played a game like that? [[Glossary#ITT|ITT]] we write more realistic game session transcripts.

==[http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/914587/#914884 Example 1]==

'''DM:''' You're at the crypt. There's a door. 
'''John:''' I open the door. 
'''DM:''' Can't – there's no handles or anything. 
'''Billy:''' I fucking break it down, then, I thought it was implied if the door doesn't open the first time we BREAK IT DOWN. 
'''Giles:''' Hey, hey can I lockpick the door? 
'''DM:''' We— 
'''John:''' No, you're a goddamn barbarian *snort* – that, that's like me rolling to cast Magic Missile. 
'''DM:''' Hey! HEY! Pay attention. Anyway, the door's made of stone. 
'''Billy:''' I can break stone. 
'''DM:''' What? 
'''Billy:''' I can fucking do it, I have a magic +1 hammer, it doesn't break. 
'''DM:''' So you're going to spend all day hitting a chunk of stone with your hammer. 
'''John:''' Yeah, and by my measurements, if my calculations are correct, and assuming this door is, like, two feet thick, it'll take thirty-two hours to bust down, we can do this. 
'''Giles:''' Hey, hey, hey, I have an axe, I can, I can help! 
'''Billy:''' No, no you friggin' can't, it's a plain axe and you made a shitty barbarian so, like, you'd make it worse. 
'''DM:''' Look, maybe GWEN might remember that interrogation— Wait, where's Gwen? 
'''Billy:''' She showed up one game and hasn't come back. You've been playing her character, dingus. 

==[http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/914587/#914886 Example 2]==

'''DM:''' Alright, the man with the rifle looks at you angrily. 
'''Zack:''' Probably Jewish. 
'''DM:''' He says, "What the hell are you doing on my farm?" 
'''Daniel:''' How much HP do you think he has? 
'''DM:''' You can't ask that. 
'''Zack:''' Hey guys, have a look at this thing I got on my mobile phone. 
'''Tom:''' Hey, that's awesome. Gimme that. 
'''Daniel:''' I covertly draw my pistol and shoot him in the head. 
'''DM:''' Why? 
'''Daniel:''' He's got money and he's in my way. 
'''DM:''' That's stupid. 
'''Tom:''' I agree. Daniel, you're a fag. 
'''DM:''' ... you hit him, he dies. 
'''Zack:''' Ha, the Jewish guy died. 
'''Daniel:''' I loot his body. 
'''DM:''' A young boy runs out of the house and sees you searching the corpse on the ground. He looks at you in horror. 
'''Daniel:''' I shoot him too. 
'''DM:''' No, you can't do that. It's against your alignment. 
'''Daniel:''' Chaotic Neutral. 
'''DM:''' That's not what CN means. 
'''Daniel:''' My character acts on an impulse. He doesn't realise what he's doing until it's done. 
'''Tom:''' So, I heard Daniel was a fag. 
'''Daniel:''' What? Well, you're fat. 
'''Tom:''' Oh, you did not just say that. Right, I shoot Daniel. Roll for initiative. 
'''Daniel:''' It's on, fatass. 
'''DM:''' Goddamn it, both of you shut up. You can't fight unless your characters have some reason to. 
'''Daniel:''' Well fine, I just shoot the kid, then. 
'''DM:''' There are other people who heard the shot, too. They'll see you. 
'''Daniel:''' Well, I point at Tom and say he did it. 
'''Tom:''' Oh, you bitch. That's a motivation. I shoot Daniel in the head. 
'''DM:''' You don't actually say that, do you, Daniel? 
'''Tom:''' I got a 19. That's a hit. Damage . . . 19. 
'''Daniel:''' What the fuck? I'm on low HP. 
'''Tom:''' Ooops. Oh well, I loot your body. 
'''Zack:''' Wait, what happened? I was just doing stuff on my mobile. 

==[http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/914587/#914893 Example 3]==

'''DM:''' The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility. There's an inscription written in Druidic. 
'''Gwen:''' Oh! I got this! 
'''John:''' *sigh* 
'''Billy:''' *sigh* 
'''DM:''' It says you must discard all clothes and be pure upon entering this temple. 
'''Gwen:''' Oh okay, well yeah, my elf disrobes. 
'''DM:''' An incubus appears. 
'''Billy:''' I try to talk to him. 
'''DM:''' He ignores you and talks to Gwen's naked elf. 
'''Billy:''' *sigh* 
'''John:''' *sigh* 

==Example 4==

'''DM:''' The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility. 
'''Billy:''' Is the door Lawful or Chaotic? 
'''DM:''' There's an inscr . . . what? 
'''Billy:''' Yeah. I have "Chaotic Ray of Disruption", so if it's a Lawful door, I can shatter it to pieces. 
'''DM:''' Doors don't have alignments. They're objects. 
'''Billy:''' Says who? There's Chaotic and Lawful Planes, and they have objects too! 
'''DM:''' Yes, but— 
'''Giles:''' Yeah, look at this picture of the Plane of Chaos, those rocks floating in a random manner look pretty Chaotic to me . . . 
'''John:''' There's definitely no doors there, either. 
'''Billy:''' That settles it, then! I cast "Chaotic Ray of Disruption" on the fucking thing. 
'''DM:''' OK. Nothing happens. 
'''Billy:''' What the fuck, man? 
'''DM:''' The door is Neutral. 
'''John:''' Crap. 
'''Giles:''' Bullshit. 
'''Billy:''' Wait . . . is it a particularly Evil door? 
'''Gwen:''' Well, those adornments definitely look like horns to me, so . . . 

==[http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/914587/#914894 Example 5]==

'''DM:''' The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility. 
'''Billy:''' Blast! How shalt we get through this door? King Darod and his Kingdom are depending upon us to retrieve the cure! 
'''Gwen:''' Don't worry, I have an idea! Remember earlier when we were interrogating that skeleton? He mentioned that the stone moves when the water strikes it . . . 
'''Billy:''' I pee on it. 
'''John:''' I also pee on it. 
'''Gwen:''' Wait, how does a skeleton talk anyway? 
'''DM:''' The door opens. And I hate you. I hate all of you with the very fiber of my being. 

==[http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/914587/#914903 Example 6]==

'''DM:''' Okay, let's see those character sheets. Billy, you have a high elf half-celestial barbarian and you rolled three 18s . . . John, you can't be a stonechild rogue, this is level 1 and you're not allowed anything from that book. Gwen, you're playing a pixie . . . Cool, so John, just go with half-orc rogue and Billy, if you don't mind dropping the template, we can roll with a barbarian elf. Gwen, you're fine, as always. 
'''Billy & John:''' *begin fight with DM*

'''(1 hour later)'''

'''DM:''' You enter a tavern. 
'''Billy:''' I talk to the bartender. 
'''DM:''' He says, "What'll you have?" 
'''Billy:''' Pleasurable company for the night and grog. 
'''John:''' Who else is in the bar? 
'''DM:''' It's packed, about 12 people, mostly human. 
'''John:''' I talk to each one. Hello! 
'''DM:''' Arg. 

==[http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/914587/#914904 Example 7]==

'''Chris:''' The Crypt awa— 
'''Billy:''' Crypt? 
'''Chris:''' Yeah, the quest for the king. 
'''John:''' No, we're not doing that quest. 
'''Chris:''' . . . But . . . You said you were. 
'''Gwen:''' Naw, I've already seduced the prince into a marriage . . . 
'''Billy:''' And really, his country's starving and his army's shitty so— 
'''John:''' We're going to KILL the king. 
'''Chris:''' What? 

'''(Hours of arguing, skullduggery, complaints, and moral decay later)'''

'''Chris:''' The King, his sword clattering to the ground from nerveless fingers, collapses on the throne, looks up and words dribble from blood-drenched lips: "You, you who were to be our last h-hope, you have damned us and yourselves if yo—" 
'''Billy:''' Gay. 
'''John:''' I hit the guy with two fireballs, why's he still talking? 
'''Gwen:''' CAN WE GO BACK TO ME IN THE TREASURY? 

'''(Next week)'''

'''Billy:''' Chris, when's the next game? 
'''Chris:''' I have classes. Weekend classes. 

==[http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/914587/#914908 Example 8]==

'''Chris:''' The crypt— 
'''Billy:''' WHERE'S MAH BUNNEH I LIKE MAH BUNNEH 
'''Gwen:''' I ATE YOUR BUNNEH 
'''John:''' Lawl 
'''Billy:''' WTF I ATTACK YOO 
'''DM:''' Shut up guys! God. Anyway, as you gaze at the stone door, your eyes tracing the visages of the foxmen, in the ritual dance of the rising star, your companion Fenix Ninetails softly whispers, "My destiny—" 
'''Giles:''' I AM GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF HERE

==[http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/914587/#914909 Example 9]==

'''Chris the DM:''' The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility. 
'''Billy the Roleplayer:''' Blast! How shalt we get through this door? King Darod and his Kingdom are depending upon us to retrieve the cure! 
'''Gwen:''' lol a quest for viagra 
'''John:''' lol 
'''Giles:''' lol 
'''Billy the Roleplayer:''' *sigh* 
'''Chris the DM:''' *sigh* 
'''Billy the Roleplayer:''' Alas! Remember what the Skeleton said! 
'''Giles:''' that nobody fucked him in the eye socket yet lol 
'''John:''' lol yeah that was good one lol 
'''Gwen:''' lol 
'''Billy the Roleplayer:''' *sigh* 
'''Chris the DM:''' *sigh* 
'''Billy the Roleplayer:''' He mentioned that the water moves when the stone strikes it – and that stones move when water touches them! We need to use water to— 
'''Gwen:''' lol i cum on the door 
'''Giles:''' lol 
'''John:''' lol 
'''Billy the Roleplayer:''' *sigh* 
'''Chris the DM:''' *sigh* 

==[http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/914587/#914911 Example 10]==

'''Chris:''' The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility. 
'''Billy:''' Aw fuck. 
'''Gwen:''' What? 
'''Billy:''' It's a TALKING door. 
'''John:''' What language was it speaking in? 
'''Chris:''' Uh. It was— 
'''Giles:''' It taunted me! My dwarven rage grows! I attack it! 
'''John:''' He rolled a nineteen, what's the AC on the door? 

==[http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/914587/#914913 Example 11]==

'''Chris:''' The terrorist defeated, John leaves his clone behind and rides into the sunset with Gwen, as Giles and Billy follow behind. 
'''John:''' Man, I'm going to have sex? 
'''Chris:''' What? 
'''John:''' It's what happens, hero rides off in the sunset, cue chick bow wow. 
'''Billy:''' Wait, I rode off with Giles. 
'''Giles:''' Uh oh. 

==[http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/914587/#914915 Example 12]==

'''DM:''' The guards haul away Giles and— 
'''Billy:''' shutup. 
'''DM:''' Wha? 
'''John:''' Yeah, all he did was hold us back, weirdo druid. 
'''DM:''' So you just want to leave your only healer? 
'''Billy:''' Yeah, can we fight now? 
'''DM:''' A— 
'''John:''' And did you finish my custom template? 
'''Giles:''' Does this mean I have to reroll? 
'''Billy:''' [[Dark Dungeons|No, get out Blackleaf dhur-hur-hur!]] 
'''John:''' Who? 
'''Giles:''' *sigh* DM? 
'''DM:''' The level 60 guards return: "Turns out we did have information about you two after all . . ." 
'''John & Billy:''' RAILROAD! 

==[http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/914587/#914919 Example 13]==

'''Chris:''' The— 
'''Doorbell:''' *Ding dong* 
'''Billy:''' Pizza!

'''(Eating)'''

'''Chris:''' Man, that was great. Anyway, the cr— 
'''Giles:''' Y'know, pizza was like the sushi of the fifties.

'''(Discussion)'''

'''Chris:''' Huh, I never thought about capitalism and morality like that. ANYWAY, the crypt a— 
'''John:''' Oh wait, before we do anything else I have to show you these YouTube vids.

'''(YouTubing)'''

'''Chris:''' Heh, cool, Master Chick, heh, anyway, the crypt is— 
'''Gwen:''' Guys, I gotta go. 
'''Billy:''' Yeah. It's, like, one. 
'''Giles:''' Ditto. 
'''John:''' Well, if everyone else is going, I'm going too. 
'''Chris:''' I'm feeling sleepy too. G'night everybody!

==[http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/914587/#914921 Example 14]==

'''Chris:''' The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility. 
'''Billy:''' Can't I just roll INT to figure out the riddle? I'm sure it had to deal with that one cryptic unkillable skeleton. 
'''Chris:''' . . . 'Kay. 

==[http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/914587/#914930 Example 15]==

'''DM:''' The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility. 
'''Billy:''' Using Mordencieden's Door Retardation and Quickening Bigby's Cockblock Keychain, I unlock the door. 
'''DM:''' Right. 
'''Giles:''' I— 
'''Billy:''' I then prepare my psionic headband for any oncoming attacks. Preparing my sword, I walk forward. 
'''Gwen:''' Uh— 
'''DM:''' A dire lemur appears! 
'''John:''' Oh, well I cas— 
'''Billy:''' Firing my Brain Blasting Bolt of Illiteration at the dire lemur, he explodes into a pile of nothingness. 
'''Gwen:''' Is that even poss— 
'''DM:''' Fantastic! Okay guys, well, that wraps up tonight! Great RP, Billy, you get XXX xp. Giles, Gwen, John, you three really need to speak up more, XX xp. 

==[http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/914587/#914933 Example 16]==

'''DM:''' The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility. 
'''Billy:''' The what now? 
'''DM:''' Big stone door, nobody can get in. 
'''Billy:''' Why didn't you just say so?

==More==

Chris: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility. 
Billy: Got stoneshaping. 
Chris: Oh... Alright, well you bend open the door- 
Billy: Why do that? I'll collapse the crypt. How much xp do I get for killing everything in the dungeon. 
Giles: Asshole. There's probably treasure down there. 
John: Asshole. Why'd I bother with getting alchemy if I can't blow shit up? 
Gwen: Asshole. I wanted that exp! 
Chris: WE'RE GOING BACK TO COC. 

----

DM: You're at the crypt, you see the door, its heavily barred. 
Billy:IMMA FUCKING KILL IT !! 
DM: Its a door, you can't kill it, stop being a twat. 
Chris: Okay, I'm gonna pick the lock. 
*picks lock* 
DM: Right, right, now some big fuck off monster comes storming out. 
Billy: IMMA FUCKING KILL IT !! 
DM: Goddammit Billy.

----

Chris: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility. 
Billy: We're way past this. 
Chris: Sorry, sorry. Anyway, you get to the prison, where the chained maiden awaits. 
Gwen: Oh lord. 
Chris: What? 
Gwen: Misogyny much? 
Chris: OH COME ON, it happens, sometimes you meet captured princes or peasants, it's just a fluke. 
Gwen: And what's she wearing? 
Billy: I'd like to know too. And make sure she's wearing LESS. 
Chris: Well, uh, she's... Naked, cringing in fear attempting to cover herself, fear and despair in her large eyes. 
Billy: Well, a promise is a promise. 
Giles: dood wat 
John: Why is no one paying attention to my crit to sexify? 
Gwen: Fuckers.

----

DM:Kay your standing outside the crypt. 
Chris: I'm gonna shoot it with my melta gun. It has AP 1 
DM: This isn't 40k Chris. 
Chris: Yeah, I know, but this fucking sucks, it needs guns. 
DM: You don't get a melta gun. 
Chris: So how're we supposed to open the door? 
DM: I don't fucking know, you tell me. 
Chris: Can we play 40k 
Billy: Jesus, Chris, shut the fuck up. 
Chris: No, this is bullshit, we spend half the game fucking talking and not fighting anything. 
John: Oh shit, my girlfriend is phoning, talk amongst yourselves for half an hour. 
Chris: Can we play 40k while he's on the phone? 
DM: Seriously Chris, shut the hell up. 
Billy: Right, I'm opening the fucking door. 
DM: How? 
Billy: Uhm...dunno, cast a spell or something. 
DM: Oh for...fine spell works the fucking door is open. 
Chris: Can there be a bloodthirster behind it? 
DM: No Chris, there aren't any of them in this game. Stop being a retard. 
Chris: Then I'm going to go get a pizza, screw this. 
DM: So you're just leaving Billy to wander the crypt on his own? 
Billy: I step into the cave, slip down a chasm and die. Lets just play fucking 40k. 
Chris: I brought my Tau and my Necrons. Who wants to play me?

----

DM: You have arrived at the crypt, a large stone door blocks your way. 
Chris: The Big Cojones! 
Billy: Finally, after all this questing, the Big Cojones will not escape again! 
DM: Your here for a cure for the king, remember? 
Giles: Is there any obvious way to open the door? 
DM: None that you can see 
Chirs: Stand back citizen, this is no time for any door opening shenanigans, that would only alert the Big Cojones to our arrival! 
Billy: HAH! The Big Cojones is no match for our power! With his death the mountains for trasure will be ours! 
Chris: We need a disguise, everyone put on those skeleton skulls we got earlier to act as masks, a perfect plan! 
DM: You were supposed to interrogate those skeletons, not defile them... 
Billy: Disguises are all well and good but we need to act with surprise on our side. I shall smash this door into nothing in but a single attack! 
Chris: No, I think you'll find that I'LL smash the door in. 
Billy: Thats it! I've had it with your petulant ways, DRAW! 
*Rock [[Pen and paper|paper]] scissors* 
Billy: Curse you ROCK!!!

----

Chris: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility. 
Billy: Blast! How shalt we get through this door? King Darod and his Kingdom are depending upon us to retrieve the cure! 
Gwen: Don't worry, I have an idea! Remember earlier when we were interrogating that skeleton? He mentioned that the water moves when the stone strikes it... 
John: And that stones move when water touches them! Brilliant! Alright, I'll go and grab some water from that creek that Chris mentioned earlier-" 
Mark: I throw myself at the door bodily and physically. 
Chris: You bounce off the door. 
Mark: I keep doing it, over and over. 
Gwen: I say "Mark! Stop doing that! You'll hurt yourself!" 
Billy: I sigh. 
John: I'll go get the water. 
Chris: Mark, you're starting to get dizzy from all the battering against the immobile stone slab. 
Mark: I headbutt it! 
Chris: Okay... and you fall down, dazed and sick. You can't feel your legs. 
Mark: I throw my sword at it, and mumble something about nature and trees. 
Billy: There aren't any trees in the cave. 
John: I return with the water and put it on the door. 
Chris: The door opens, and a group of goblins attack! 
Billy: To arms! 
Mark: I draw my sword and fight! 
Chris: You're incapacitated and you threw your sword away. 
Mark: I try to grab one on the leg. 
Chris: YOU LOSE YOUR ARM. 
Mark: I roll around. This could be a bother.

----

DM: As you walk down the thin mountain pass, you come to the entrance of the temple. It has two large golden doors that block the entrance. 
Player: Okay, when you say gold, do you mean, like actual gold? 
DM: Uh.... yeah, why? 
Player: Okay, I take the right door. 
DM: You walk up to the temple entrance and push in the right door and star-- 
Player: No, I TAKE, the right door. As in, take it. 
DM: *sigh* You can't walk through the dungeon with that! 
Player: Oh. Then we'll sell it! 
DM: The nearest city is 500 miles away. 
Player: We better start walking then!

----

DM: As you exit the forest you come onto an open field of grass with a [[Dread Gazebo|gazebo]] standing in the center. 
Player: What's the gazebo doing? 
DM: It's a gazebo. It's just sitting there. 
Player: Okay.... I shoot an arrow at the gazebo. 
DM: Okay, now it's a gazebo with an arrow in it.. 
Player: Alright... uh... I slowly walk towards the gazebo. 
DM: THE GAZEBO JUMPS UP AND EATS YOU! ARE YOU HAPPY?! ROLL A NEW CHARACTER!

----

Chris: Hey, Gwen you up for the RPG tonight? 
Gwen: Uhm... No, I'm sorry, I'm busy... Y'know, studying. 
Chris: Alright, how about tomorrow night? 
Gwen: I'm, uh, well, it's a BIG exam. 
Chris: When...When are you free then? 
Gwen: Look, uhm, can we talk about this later Chris, I really don't know it's all so stacked up... 
Chris: Oh. Kay.

Later...

Chris: The crypt awaits before you, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its goddamn immovable bulk. 
Billy: Uh, alright, can you play Gwen's character and have her use that ring- 
Chris: No, she says no. Says she's busy. 
Giles: Oh Jesus. 
Chris: Know what else? She turns to you all, and rips off the mask to reveal she was the lich all along. 
John: What? But I remembe- 
Chris: SHE'S REALLY FUCKING GOOD AT MANIPULATING YOU, YOU STUPID LITTLE BASTARDS. 
Billy: . . .Well, I ask 
Chris: TOO LATE! SHE TEARS OUT YOUR HEEEEEEEEEEARRRRRRRRTTTTTT

----

Chris: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility. 
Billy: *Snrk* 
Chris: What, what fucking is it? 
John: Well, we were just wondering. 
Chris: About? 
Giles: What's the damage for getting a heart torn out? 
Chris: FUCK YOU FUCK YOU ALL GET OUT OF MY FUCKING ROOM FUCK YOUUUUUUUU

----

Chris: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you with its immobility. 
Billy: I blow it up with C4. 
Chris: You don't have any C4... it hasn't been invented yet... 
Billy: Well then I invent C4 and blow it up. 
Chris: ok so while Billy's out inventing C4 what do the rest of you do? 
John: I invent it before him and blow up the door. 
Gwen: I open the door. 
Chris: You can't open it, it's locked. 
Billy: I'm done inventing my C4. I blow up the door. 
John: I steal your C4 and blow the door up with it. 
Chris: You don't ha- 
Billy: Why would you steal my C4 to do with it the exact same thing i was going to do with it? 
John: 'Cause you're stupid and you would mess everything up 
Chris: You made the C4 wrong and you blow yourselves up. Except for Gwen. Her clothes are destroyed in the explosion. 

----

Chris: There is a crypt ahead of... 
Billy: FALCON PUNCH!!! 
DM: ... 

----

[[Image:Mynameishuge.jpg|thumb|right|MEDS ARE FOR THE WEAK.]]Chris: The crypt awaits before, a large stone slab of a door taunting you- 
Billy: FOUL DOOR! I'LL NOT BE SO CRUELLY TAUNTED BY SUCH AN ENCHANTMENT! 
John: Oh god, Billy's off his meds again... 
BILLY: MY NAME IS HUGE

----

DM: Okay, so both John and Dave's characters are alone. 
Dave: I grapple John's elf. 
John: What? 
Dave: Sorry dude, but she's been looking at my half-orc like she wants it, so he's gonna give it to her. 
John: Dude! This is disgusting! 
DM: Do you fight back? 
John: GOD no. 
DM: I'm... sorry? 
John: This is a rape. She pretty much just melts onto his dick. 
Dave: Pretty much. 
DM: Okay well, I guess we can fade that to bla- 
BILLY: HEY GUYS I SUMMONED A DIRE WHALE. HIS NAME IS WILLY. 
DM: ... the Inn explodes. Dave and John's characters are killed by falling whale... Billy gets 100 exp and his fucking medication WHICH HE WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE. 
BILLY: WILLY NOOOO!

----

DM: The crypt awaits, the entrance sealed by a slab of stone, seemingly presenting no logical way to open it. 
Gwen: Oh I remember now, what the skelet- 
Billy: Fuck that, I cast fireball at the door. 
DM: What. It's two feet of stone, and the whole group is right in front of the bloody thing. 
Billy: Well, you said no logical way to open it. Perfectly in-character, considering how many metamagic feats he can put into a fireball spell he could likely melt right through it. 
DM: And melt right through the whole party. 
Billy: Perfectly in-character. You did say to stay consistant, and I've been consistantly unhinged. 
Gwen: He does have a point. 
DM: ....fuck.

==Some Dark Heresy==

'''Chris:''' You all look back at the blast where the Demon was summoned. The soldiers who were attacking you before are now running at you begging you to rescue them. 
'''Billy:''' I jump out of the truck to capture the first one for interrogation. 
'''John:''' GET BACK IN THE TRUCK! 
'''Dave:''' I drive my car away without you guys. Screw this. 
'''Gwen:''' I get off the truck. Half round aim, shoot the soldier. I rolled a 20, that's a hit. 31 damage. 
'''Chris:''' The surrendering soldier's head explodes. 
'''Billy:''' Dammit... You said there was more than one soldier trying to escape the demon, right? 
'''Chris:''' Yeah, there are three more close by, they're all running toward you shouting for help. 
'''John:''' GUYS I SWEAR TO GOD I'M COUNTING TO FIVE. GET IN THE GODDAMN TRUCK! 
'''Billy:''' I grab the next closest guy. 
'''Gwen:''' 18. Five degrees of success, 28 damage. He's dead. 
'''Billy:''' STOP SHOOTING POTENTIAL CAPTIVES! 
'''John:''' ... THREE, TWO, ONE. 
'''Dave:''' I'm calling in an airlift for myself. 
'''Gwen:''' I stun Billy. 16, he's unconscious for 3 rounds. I drag him onto the bus. 
'''Chris:''' So you're not taking any captives? 
'''Party:''' NO! 
'''Chris:''' Ok. An airlift comes and picks you guys up. Where are they taking you? 
'''John:''' I don't know, I feel like we don't have any leads to follow. 
'''Chris:''' *sigh* 

[[Category:Dungeons & Dragons]][[Category:Copypasta]]

Gav Thorpe

2022-04-23T18:58:16Z

2001:67C:2628:647:12:0:0:234: Removing edit war tag, as it seems to be over.

{{heresy}}
{{fail}}

'''Gav Thorpe''' is a former member of [[Games Workshop|GW's]] development department, who worked for the company in the early days. (Though he is not as batshit insane as [[Ian Watson]]). He currently works freelance for them as a writer for their [[Black Library]] and is a freelance games designer for other games companies in Nottingham. He has had a huge amount of influence on the development of all things Warhammer. So much so that there is a thing called the Gav Thorpe drinking game - if you encounter Gav's name in a Warhammer thing, take a [[Blam|shot]].

He is the one largely responsible for the [[Skub|grand mother bull moose of all mixed blessings]] that was the 4th edition Codex: [[Chaos Space Marines]], as well as the transition from the golden age of [[Warhammer Fantasy]] into the literal [[End Times]]. The former was a huge subject of [[RAGE]] and <nowiki>win</nowiki>Dread, compartmentalized in one work that has drawn both many supporters - and many completely justified haters. The other was just shit.

These days he mostly writes for the [[Black Library]], working on anything to do with the [[Eldar]] (most notably the Path of the Eldar trilogy). Gav also wrote the script for the Warhammer Fantasy game [[Warhammer: Mark of Chaos]].

==Why the controversy?==
To put it inoffensively and politely: Generally his writing is meh at best, like many of the BL books produced during [[Laurie Goulding]]'s watch.

In particular, he's the guy behind the gloriously bad and cheesy ending to Storm of Chaos. He was quite terrible at the time, and he's always shown a very erratic understanding of even the most "historical" characters of Fantasy and 40k, as well as a sense of mystery, which others like [[Matt Ward]] also seem to lack. His [[Dark Angels]] work is also a point of contention, with some claiming it to be even worse than the [[Blood Angels]] series by the BAFTA nominated [[James Swallow]].

Another thing that drew the ire from many a fa/tg/uy is his usage of neopronouns (ve,vis,ver etc.) in his recent works, seen as pandering to the [[SJW|SJW]] crowd. Though apparently he was just sticking to new guidelines laid out by BL - neopronouns are considered more sci-fi.

While there are those who loathe his fluff writing, others praise his crunch work on the 6th edition Warhammer Fantasy army books. In particular, Hordes of Chaos (when all of Chaos, minus the [[Skaven]], was one faction) and [[Dwarfs]] are beloved to fans of those armies. On the OTHER hand, he was the Loremaster for Fantasy at the time, and he was far from light-handed with it, even at what was arguably the high point in his career, and a lot of the goofy bits from that era were his responsibility - such as the aforementioned Storm of Chaos [[derp|ending]], where despite getting beaten like a red-headed stepchild on the tabletop, Archaon and his army manage to escape total slaughter by way of... running away and hoping no one notices, or his [[bullshit|claim]] that [[grimderp|every god is just a tiny piece of Khorne, Slaanesh, Tzeentch, or Nurgle]].

==And then there's the elves...==
Among the best examples of his writing style's flaws on display is his infamous views on elves, specifically that "[[Derp|there are as many elves as the plot demands]]." In one story they can write off the death of a million during a grand victory, but in the next the death of a hundred is a tragedy from which their race will never recover. Either way they will always be a dying race, and with no word on how the [[High Elves (Warhammer Fantasy)|High Elves]] or [[Dark Elves (Warhammer Fantasy)|Dark Elves]] replenish their numbers for these huge wars with each other (plus the High Elves doing their "world police against Chaos" deal and the Dark Elves raiding around the world). This is to say nothing of his requirement that Elves retain the traits of the Eldar (souls eaten by Slaanesh, never worship Chaos) and the constant need to retcon anything that doesn't fit his very 40k-centric view of Warhammer lore. Most can't figure out whether he's in bed with the Elves or with Chaos, considering he varies between jacking them off at each other's expense depending on the book. In the end he monogamously settled on taking it up the ass from Chaos, and in turn made absolutely sure every faction took it up the ass from Archaon.

Thorpe's trademark is his whiny sentimental approach to writing: it's a formula meant to instill a sense of grand loss in the reader, which only works the first two or three times before it gets irritating. Worse still, he applies the same methodology to the Dark Angels and [[Raven Guard]]. Thorpe was basically [[Edgy|that morose emo kid who cuts himself and seemingly never grew out of it]].

Some of his more recent work is represented by the "Rise of the Ynnari" duo of books. It details the current events of the Ynnari, as they try and find all the crone swords. Over the course of two books and 730 pages Thorpe had them achieve nothing. They lost ships and lives, but no additional Crone Sword or allies, as the clans of Saim-Hann now thoroughly dislike the Death Cult, for wasting hundreds of Eldar lives for absoloutely nothing. The only redeeming qualities of this "series" are senile Wraithconstructs looking to settle centuries old, half forgotten scores and Eldrad Ulthran being a dick. Another criticism is his way of handling dialogue, where in an infamous passage it appears that the eldar do not have a word for 'stuff'... despite every other eldar book having them use the word 'stuff'. Including Path of the Eldar, ''which he wrote''. This may have simply been a rather hasty and poorly thought out way of having them sound less human, although wooden dialogue in general has been an issue for him he seems to have no will to grow out of.

An update, where it has been revealed that the [https://twitter.com/GavThorpeCreate/status/1334068305053835265 Rise of the Ynnari trilogy is now dead] and a third book will not be written. While many are quite upset by this, and even Gav Thorpe seems to be rather sad that he could not write a third book about a supposedly hyper-intelligent psychic species making bizarrely stupid choices that get hundreds of them killed, it seems a lot of this might lie in the fact that few will buy aeldari books by Gav Thorpe anymore. He has essentially become a poison pill to any book about the local space elves.

==Chaos in the 4th Edition Codex==
With regards to his [[skub|contentious]] handling of the Chaos Space Marines Codex back in 2004, it's worth noting that the very character-filled and developed army lists of the previous Codex: CSM were replaced with much-more-generic-flavor army lists. Thrope claimed in a number of interviews that there were plans to eventually produce codexes for each of the cult legions, including Death Guard and Thousand Sons. These did not materialise until almost 11 years later, while Chaos Space Marines did not receive Legion Rules again until 2016 (which lasted only for a few months). While defenders of Thrope's 4th ed codex often cite the notably unbalanced nature of the 3.5ed Chaos Space Marine codex and it's tendency towards monolists, a majority of competitive armies following the 4th ed book ''followed the same formula'' of Lash Prince, Obliterators and Plague Marines. At least the 3.5ed armies had consistent themes.

This was over a decade ago. Some of us are still VERY annoyed by it.

It also completely removed several if not all options for viable weapons, utterly buttfucking any possibility of running variant legions. If you were running a Night Lords stealth army, an Iron Warriors warband with additional heavy support, or an Alpha Legion cult strike force, you would find that the new rules simply removed those options.

Hell, several normal CSM troops were rendered fucking useless: Raptors and Obliterators are no longer hard-capped (Obliterators becoming a staple of competitive CSM armies, Raptors otherwise have never been good). Special rules for Word Bearer champions, Iron Warriors Warsmiths, and Alpha Legion cultists were all completely absent. Faction-specific armies didn't suffer anywhere near as much - except in one critical role:

'''''[[Daemon]]s.'''''

Chaos lost ''all'' faction-and-Chaos-specific Daemons, and any army that relied on them - especially the Word Bearers, which could field more than any other force - was completely and utterly screwed, either for fluff reasons or crunch reasons. Keep in mind, pretty much all the Daemons were viable at one point or another in 3rd Edition. CSM didn't even get to keep the Chaos Undivided Furies, for fuck's sake. Chaos also lost Greater Daemons of all stripes, and all we got in exchange were GENERIC DAEMON PACK and GENERIC GREATER DAEMON which, while still useful (as many players made GOOD use of them during official tournaments), are nothing but a pale shadow of what used to be available to Chaos Space Marines.

Why did Chaos lose them? Because Gav Thorpe decided that the Daemons needed [[Warhammer 40,000/5th Edition Tactics/Chaos Daemons|their own Codex]] and update. By and large, players refer to most of the new Daemon models that followed this Codex to be fail; the new "one boob only" [[Daemonette]]s are absolutely fail-tastic compared to the lithe and graceful-looking ones of the previous edition (though Gav is not in charge of model design, so that wasn't his fault). Oh, think that's bad? It happened in Fantasy too, breaking up [[Hordes of Chaos]] into [[Beastmen]], Daemons and [[Warriors of Chaos]]. Only the last was truly competitive, the first being fucked to pieces on release. The crunch is also a mixed bag in the new edition - updated sucktastic Chaos Lords, heavily-diminished setups using the Chaos Mark system, and more.

The end result is that most Chaos players will continue to loathe his very existence and long to drag his soul screaming to the [[Warp]] when his time is finally up. Granted, this may be a mulligan on Thorpe's part: while he's considered a bad codex writer and did fuck up at least a few other codices as well, his involvement in the 'Nids codex in particular was fairly light (plus [[Robin Cruddance]] took that opportunity to nerf the shit out of them, so not really Thorpe's fault).

In addition, [[Matt Ward]] later wrote the Iyanden mini-dex which has them win their battles, something Gav apparently cannot do. However, the Supplement also writes Iyanden as being incompetent assholes who didn't even listen to ELDRAD when he stopped by to warn them of their Tyranid-chow future, in a rare example of him not being a dick. It's fair to call it even.

==Where he stands as of 5th Edition Grey Knights Codex==
Those of us can't stop being angry believe that Thorpe should probably stop writing for Black Library and stay the hell away from pointy-ear lore and crunch. Much of [[/tg/]] has decided that [[Matthew Ward]] is infinitely worse than this guy can ever hope to be; Gav hasn't [[Khornate Knights|mutilated the canon]], he didn't FANBOY OVERPOWER anything except Chaos in Warhammer Fantasy, and he's been around long enough without acquiring a track record of horrendous stupid outside of the aforementioned CSM neutering. There ARE some that believe him to be worse than Ward, as his codices are more often than not <s>somewhat playable</s> friggin' powerhorses balancing on the edge of being absolutely OP, whereas Thorpe's books strip the associated army of its flavour.

As a BL writer, his obsession with the space elves seems to be connected with a near-total lack of understanding of how they work, with his Path of the Eldar novels' plots requiring practically everyone on Alaitoc to be a drooling imbecile to work and going on bizarre tangents about how [[Khaine]] is supposedly related to [[Khorne]]. You'd think someone so insistent on writing a given faction would at least have their facts straight about them and not make them all look like emotionally stunted retards.

He's also one half of the [[Nick Kyme|Kyme]]-Thorpe law which states 'all Dark Angel and Salamander books must be shit.' And then, of course, there's the whole thing with the End Times in Warhammer Fantasy and the transition to Age of Sigmar...

All that said, some at least believe the man can write half-decently on occasion, [[C.S.Goto|unlike a certain someone]]. He does an awesome job of portraying Ortan Cassius and the Ultramarines in "Catechism of Hate," and he wrote the origin story of [[Eliphas the Inheritor]]. His novel for Age of Sigmar, "Warbeast," is also pretty good too. His worst work bar none is probably writing about the Dark Angels chapter. He recently wrote The First Wall fr the Siege of Terra series. Whilst doing a decent job with the Fists and Warriors, he dropped the bar with his traitor Imperial Army Unit. Though he pulled through with a rather competent Custodian.

[[Category:Games Workshop]]
[[Category:Writers]]
[[category:Black Library]]

Khornate Knights

2022-04-23T18:56:26Z

2001:67C:2628:647:12:0:0:234: Removing edit war tag, as it seems to be over.

{{sick|bathing in your allies' blood.}}
{{Fail}}
{{MattWard}}
{{Heresy}}

We make no claims to be a fanboys of the [[Sisters of Battle|Bolter Bitches]], but this is one of the most grievously, mind-numbingly [[Edgy]] offenses [[Matt Ward]] has transcribed to paper.

Not to be confused with [[Warriors of Chaos|Khornate Knights or Skullcrushers]]

[[File:1304057080538.png|right|200px|thumb|SoBs make shmancy [[hat]]s as well. Grey Knights have apparently taken a page from Necron Flayers.]]
[[File:Sisterhat.jpg|right|200px|thumb|But that this were real.]]
[[File:Sister Brofist.png|200px|thumb|Really though, the Grey Knights and Sisters are total bros. Disregard [[Matt Ward|Ward]]. As usual.]]

==Context for the Rage==

Basically one story in the 5th Edition [[Grey Knight]] Codex, "The Bloodtide Returns", lists the Grey Knights as coming across a planet wherein a powerful Dark Age of Technology nanite weapon controlled by a bloodthirster resided - one so powerful that it was corrupting the populace by flying into their pores and driving them crazy. There was a convent of Sisters that were being slowly wiped out near the site whose faith was keeping them pure and untouched by the taint except for all the ones who were corrupted, and instead of asking for the Sisters' assistance the Grey Knights proceeded to slaughter them all and make wards from their blood, then go about banishing the daemon. [[What|'''All after the codex literally stating that their faith is strong enough to protect them from any kind of daemonic corruption, so they wouldn't have even needed those wards.''']]

Think about this, for just a minute. The Sisters' faith protected some of them from being corrupted. Yet, as has been shown before, there has been <s>a few</s> only one Sisters of Battle that willingly fell to Chaos. In come the Grey Knights, whose faith is so powerful it is quite literally their strongest weapon and their most potent protection. These Grey Knights' faith is not strong enough to withstand the NANITE WEAPONS of Chaos, while the Sisters' is? Does that make ANY sense at all?

Even when the Sisters would be truly useful against Chaos, why the FUCK would the Grey Knights, a purely Imperial faction who keeps faith the highest measure of existence would downright TURN ON THEM AND MURDER Emperor's servants and pour their blood on themselves like some insane chaotic cult? Infighting due to conflicts of interest is possible, as seen in Dawn of War: Dark Crusade and Dawn of War: Soulstorm, yet this goes against all logical explanation.

This is a classic case of not just heresy, but of [[Extra Heresy|''extra'' heresy]]; canon to this point had explicitly detailed 3 things:

* That the Grey Knights greatly loathe Chaos and are completely immune to its corrupting influence. They wouldn't need wards made on the spot to withstand daemonic corruption, given that just their Aegis armour's own built-in wards would deflect any corrupting influence that would try to tempt them (assuming that it COULD tempt them at all).

* That no Grey Knight in the history of the chapter has ever fallen to the temptations of [[Chaos]] due to the massive amounts of spiritual and physical indoctrination and training they go through that would make the Space Marines' training and creation regimen look like the Guard's conscript training, along with their anti-daemon Aegis armours. In addition, in older fluff, the Grey Knights COULD fall to Chaos, in theory. However, in addition to their intense faith and rigorous physical and mental training, they closely regulate themselves. If a Battle-Brother's reaction to Chaos was anything less than [[Angry Marines|"NO FUCKING WAY!"]], they would have a force halberd to the face in record time.

* Only one sister has ever willingly fallen to Chaos.

And yet we have this - evidence of the darkest kind of heresy, if not outright [[Khorne]] worship. I mean, it's not like there's an entire book written by Ben Counter about a Grey Knight becoming a Champion of Khorne or anything that hasn't been retconned. Thankfully sister paint has been retconned, but this was still canon for a time, a sign of how bad some things were under [[Matt Ward|an incompetent writer who should've never been allowed a pen]].

Fucking [[Matt Ward]]. Next thing you know, [[Kharn]] will be working for the Tau or something. Yeah about that...in the novelization of [[Warhammer 40,000: Fire Warrior]], it was revealed that the protagonist was actually being aided by [[Khorne]]...*nervous laugh*

And the Sisters of Battle get mutilated a lot whenever Ward comes near them.

==Seriously, what the fuck?==
The very fact that we were even having the above conversation means that even in a best-case scenario, something has gone horribly wrong in the storytelling department.

Within the context of the 40k verse, there is some basis that the Grey Knights would do something that we would otherwise consider being pants-on-head retarded. Note that GW isn't shy of inventing reasons to justify [[Grimdark|otherwise allied forces to kill ''the fuck'' out of each other]]. First, the GKs are stone cold pragmatists who burn planets just to keep secret [[Extra Heresy|something particularly heretical]] some guardsmen might have witnessed. Second, is that they are all-around stone cold motherfuckers, despite the whole incorruptible nobility thing and finest-of-the-Emperor's-finest thing. There's [[Exterminatus|a pretty good reason]] that they aren't really trusted by the other factions that would fight Chaos too, since the Knights seem to think everybody else as a bit more expendable than themselves. Killing the SoB in that story was just one story of dicking around the other Imperial elements, and the Knights apparently do this sort of thing at least semi-regularly.

BUT!!

Why the GKs killed the SoB for ''extra'' protection is a plot hole that they really don't fill in. Remember, this is in a book that played up the Knights as literally impossible to corrupt. Might have been for extra physical protection to make sure they don't get killed by the Bloodtide rather than for spiritual protection, but that makes no sense; how the blood of the innocent provide any extra PHYSICAL protection at all, let alone to someone already wearing blessed POWER ARMOUR?

==On GK/Ordo Malleus Teamkilling==

"Only the Grey Knights survive in the service of the Ordo. All other troops die when given over to them. The reason for non-survival among military units attached to the Ordo Malleus is simple. Any troops that an Inquisitor Ordinary has commanded have been exposed to Daemons. They are privy to one of the most closely-guarded Imperial secrets: that daemons are real and Chaos is a terrible threat. Those that survive a battle or campaign are executed, with full honors, shortly afterwards. They are expendable, and entire Imperial regiments and corps have been dispatched by the Ordo Malleus."

This is from Realms of Chaos (1988) and paraphrased in Codex: Grey Knights. Ordo Malleus and Grey Knight types are not nice. They euthanize or mind scrub nearly anyone who finds out about Chaos/Daemons. No reason was needed to kill the SoBs at all. The Ordo Malleus/Grey Knights kill practically everybody they run into no matter how you cut it. This of course still doesn't explain why they used the blood to make wards, instead of just killing them and leaving them at that.

In ''Incorruptible'', by David Annandale, the GK teamkill their own after falling to genestealer/tyranid corruption. Only slightly better than their initial assumption of having to kill their first in-chapter heretics. That's a plus.

So we still blame Matt Ward, just for bad conveyance instead of continuity errors.

Except that explanation still doesn't make any sense, considering SoB already know about Chaos/Daemons, fight them now and then and are part of the <s>Inquisition, which lords over both factions</s> Ecclesiarchy, which maintains some knowledge of daemons so they can be exorcised. Also, consider that a battle force of SoB sent to purge a heretical cult may encounter daemons and request the Grey Knights' presence.

This also doesn't make a whole lot of sense when considering that the Guard regularly fights off Chaos warbands and the like who frequently make use of daemons, and they most certainly do not purge the entirety of Cadia every so often, nor do they purge the various Cadian armies that are going around the Imperium whenever encountered, despite said Cadians almost certainly having at least some knowledge of Daemons. So this whole concept really doesn't work to start with.

In short, killing every Imperial that has encountered Chaos and daemons, would very quickly lead to being no more Imperials to kill.

==7th Edition Unfucks Things==

As of the 7th Edition Grey Knights Codex, there have been some minor revisions to the fluff. While Supreme Grand Master Kaldor "Sue to end all Sues" Draigo is still around, the Bloodtide incident also still exists...albeit, all mention of the Sisters being turned into paint - or even being there at all - is removed (so this is now likely retconned). Instead, the Sisters get to share in another short story within the new Codex, entitled "The Plague of Madness", where they are not used as Armour Paint by the Grey Knights at least. Instead, they get a good (by W40K standards) death after actually saving the Knights' asses. In fact, the Sisters manage to rescue Kaldor from a horde of Plaguebearers via purging flame. This could probably be seen as overcompensation on the part of GW for the Bloodtide Incident, but no one seemed to mind, since the Sisters could desperately use a win.

tl;dr Edgy meets Grimdark and makes it Grimderp, with a final saving grace turning it Nobledark.

==Gallery==
<gallery>
File:The sacred rose by celeng-d57pms2.jpg| What REALLY happened that day. (Heck, this is half-canon now)
</gallery>

[[Category:RAGE]][[Category:FAIL]]

Katanas are Underpowered in d20

2022-04-23T18:55:54Z

2001:67C:2628:647:12:0:0:234: Removing edit war tag, as it seems to be over.

<div style="float:right; margin:1em;">__TOC__</div>

[[File:KATANAS.jpg|400px|thumb|left|GET OUT OF MY SHITTY WOK, YOU JAPANESE DOGS!.]]

{{clear|left}}

== Original Post ==

[[File:Katana.jpg|250px|thumb|left|[[meme|Folded up to a million times.]]]]That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bastard Sword" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Katanas deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my katana.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Katanas are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a katana could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Samurai and their katanas of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Katanas:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 
1d12 Damage 
19-20 x4 Crit 
+2 to hit and damage 
Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 
2d10 Damage 
17-20 x4 Crit 
+5 to hit and damage 
Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Katanas in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Katanas need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

== Katanas are Overpowered in d20 ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bastard Sword" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Katanas deserve much worse than that. Much, much worse than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 120 Yen (that's about $1) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can't even cut wooden boards with my katana.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce some of the biggest pieces of shit known to mankind.

Katanas are barely half as sharp as European swords and half as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can't cut through at all. I'm pretty sure a katana would break trying to cut a knight wearing full plate with any kind of slash.

Ever wonder why feudal Japan never bothered conquering Europe? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Knights and their Oakeshott types X through XXII of destruction. Even in World War II, Japanese soldiers targeted the men with the mamelukes first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the worst sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require worse stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Katanas:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 
1d4 Damage 
x2 Crit 
-2 to hit and damage 
Can never count as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 
1d6 Damage 
x2 Crit 
-1 to hit and damage 
Can never count as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Katanas in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Katanas need to do much less in d20, see my new stat block.

== Katanas are Underpowered in 4th Edition==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "bastard sword" bullshit that's going on in the 4th Edition system right now. Katanas deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my katana.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Katanas are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a katana could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined samurai and their katanas of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 4th Edition system. Here is the stat block I propose for katanas:

(Superior One-Handed Melee Weapon) 
2d10 base damage 
+5 proficiency bonus 
Heavy blade, light blade (counts as both) 
High crit, off-hand, reach, versatile

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of katanas in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Katanas need to do more damage in 4th Edition, see my new stat block.

Note: the above complaint was a direct result of wasting time on the abomination that is 4th edition.

== Katanas are underpowered in Traveller ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Arc-Field Cutlass" bullshit that's going on in the traveller system right now. Katanas deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my katana.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Katanas are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a katana could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Samurai and their katanas of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the traveller system. Here is the stat block I propose for Katanas:

Katana
TL9
Melee
3D+Int+Dex damage
1 kg
Cr20000
AP 15

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Katanas in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Katanas need to do more damage in traveller, see my new stat block.

== Katanas are Underpowered in Powered by the Apocalypse games==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "I don't know, what does happen when you cut him with your sword?" bullshit that's going on in Poweredby the Apocalypse right now. Katanas deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my katana.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Katanas are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a katana could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined samurai and their katanas of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in Powered by the Apocalypse. Here is the stat block I propose for katanas:

"I don't know, what does happen when you cut him with your mastercrafted bastard sword?"

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of katanas in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Katanas need to be cooler in Powered by the Apocalypse, see my new stat block.

== Bastard Swords are Underpowered in d20 ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Katanas" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Bastard Swords deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Bastard Sword in Germany for 10,000 Euros (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Bastard Sword.

European smiths spend years working on a single Bastard Sword and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Bastard Swords are thrice as sharp as Japanese swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a Daisho can cut through, a Bastard Sword can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Bastard Sword could easily bisect a samurai wearing pieces of wood for armor with a simple horizontal slash.

Ever wonder why Japan never bothered conquering Medieval Europe? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Knights and their Bastard Swords of destruction. Even in World War II, Japanese soldiers targeted the men with the Bastard Swords first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Bastard Swords are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Bastard Swords:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Bastard Swords in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Bastard Swords need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

== Crossbows are Underpowered in d20 ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Heavy Crossbow" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Crossbows deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine crossbow in Italy for 4,500 Euro (that's about £2000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even pierce slabs of solid steel with my crossbow.

European smiths spend days working on a single crossbow and test it up to two dozen times to produce the finest peasant weapon known to mankind.

Crossbows are thrice as easy to train as an English Longbow and thrice as deadly for that matter too. Anything a bodkin arrow can punch through, a crossbow bolt can punch through better, and more accurately too. I'm pretty sure a crossbow could easily pierce the lung of a Gendarme wearing full plate with a simple trigger pull.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering medieval Europe? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Crossbowmen and their implements of destruction. Even in the Fifteenth Century, the Vatican banned the use of crossbows against Christians because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Crossbows are simply the best ranged weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Crossbows:

Light Crossbow (Two-Handed Martial Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Range 200ft

Heavy Crossbow (Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Range 280ft

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Crossbows in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Crossbows need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

== Macuahuitl are Underpowered in d20 ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bastard Sword" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Macuahuitl deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine macuahuitl in Tenochtitlan for two goats and three sacks of cacao beans (that's about $6,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my macuahuitl.

Aztec smiths spend weeks working on a single macuahuitl and sharpen the edges up to a dozen times to produce the finest weapons known to mankind.

Macuahuitl are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter to. Anything a longsword can cut through, a macuahuitl can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a macuahuitl could easily chop a Spanish conquistador, his horse, and their plate armor in half with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Central America? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Aztecs and their macuahuitl of destruction. Even in the sixteenth century, Spanish explorers targeted the macuahuitl-wielding Aztecs with smallpox-infected blankets first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Macuahuitl are simply the best swords that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for macuahuitl:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of macuahuitl in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Macuahuitl need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

== Tomahawks are Underpowered in d20 ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Hand Axe" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Tomahawks deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Tomahawk in northern New Mexico for 200 blue beads (that's about $10) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my tomahawk.

Apache smiths spend years working on a single tomahawk and barter the steel for it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Tomahawks are thrice as sharp as European axes and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a battle-axe can cut through, a tomahawk can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a tomahawk could easily bisect a colonist wearing officer's full dress with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering the Americas? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined warriors and their tomahawks of destruction. Even in World War II, Canadian soldiers targeted the men with the tomahawks first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Tomahawk are simply the best axes that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Tomahawks:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Tomahawks in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Tomahawks need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

== Khopeshes are Underpowered in d20 ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bastard Sword" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Khopeshes deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine khopesh in Egypt for 500,000 Egyptian pounds (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my khopesh.

Egyptian smiths spend years working on a single khopesh and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Khopeshes are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a khopesh can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a khopesh could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Egypt? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Egyptian warriors and their khopeshes of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the khopeshes first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Khopeshes are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Khopeshes:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Khopeshes in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Khopeshes need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

== Kriegmessers are Underpowered in d20 ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "European Katana" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Kriegsmesser deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.
I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine kriegsmesser in Germany for 35,000 deutsche mark (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my kriegsmesser.

German smiths spend years working on a single kriegsmesser and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Kriegsmesser are thrice as sharp as Japanese swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a katana can cut through, a kriegsmesser can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a kriegsmesser could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Japan never bothered conquering Germany? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Landsknecht and their kriegsmesser of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the kriegsmesser first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Kriegsmesser are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Kriegsmesser:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of kriegsmesser in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = kriegsmesser need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block

== Bullwhips are Underpowered in d20 ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Scourge" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Bullwhips deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine bullwhip in Cairo for 2,400,000 Egyptian Pounds (that's about $20) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even knock free slabs of solid rock with my bullwhip.

Various smiths spend days working on a single bullwhip and braid it up to a million times to produce the finest whips known to mankind.

Bullwhips are thrice as keen as European whips and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a horsewhip can cut through, a bullwhip can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a bullwhip could easily really fucking injure a Kraut wearing a dubious disguise with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why Nazi Germany never bothered conquering England? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined archeologists and their bullwhips of destruction. Even in The Last Crusade, Germans soldiers targeted the men with the bullwhips first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Bullwhips are simply the best whips that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Bullwhips:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(While wearing a Fedora hat/If Character is a female German prosecutor) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Bullwhips in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Bullwhips need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

== Lightsabers are Underpowered in d20 ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "A More Elegant Weapon for a Civilized Age" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Lightsabers deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine lightsaber on Ord Mantell for 2,400,000 Imperial Credits (that's about $18) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my lightsaber.

Jedi smiths spend years working on a single lightsaber and refocus the crystal up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Lightsabers are thrice as sharp as Kaminoan vibroblades and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a vibrosword can cut through, a lightsaber can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a lightsaber could easily bisect a Imperial Officer wearing a fetching black uniform with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why the Empire never bothered conquering all known space? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Jedi and their lightsabers of destruction. Even in the Galactic Civil War, Imperial soldiers targeted the men with the lightsabers first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Lightsabers are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Lightsabers:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Lightsabers in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Lightsabers need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

(OOC: This one is technically true, as Lightsabers are basically magically superheated plasma for some reason. No one knows how. The temperature of Plasma is hot enough to cut through any type of metal. Basically, causing the metal to turn into their liquid forms.)

== Serrated Axes are Underpowered in d20 ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Saw" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Serrated axes deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine serrated axe on /tg/ for 2,000 Internets (that's about $0) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid adamantium with my serrated axe.

D&D smiths spend years working on a single serrated axe and add serrations about up to a million times to produce the finest weapons known to mankind.

Serrated axes are thrice as sharp as normal axes and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything an axe can cut, a serrated axe can cut better. I'm pretty sure a serrated axe could easily decapitate a [[neutronium golem]] with a simple horizontal slash.

Ever wonder why 40k never bothered conquering D&D? That's right, they were too scared to fight the Barbarians and their serrated axes of destruction. Even during some weird-ass crossover war, non-serrated-axe-wielders targeted the men with the serrated axes first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Serrated axes are simply the best weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for the serrated axe:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 19-20 x4 +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 17-20 x4 +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of serrated axes in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Sage needs to do more damage in this thread, see my new stat block.

== Shovels are Underpowered in d20 ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bayonet" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Shovels deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine military shovel in base camp for $15 (that's about 1500 pennies) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my shovel.

American smiths spend years working on a single shovel and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Shovels are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a shovel can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a shovel could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why WWII Germany never bothered conquering America? That's right, they were too scared to fight our disciplined soldiers and their shovels of destruction. In World War II, German soldiers targeted the men with the shovels first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Shovels are simply the best weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for shovels:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of shovels in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Shovels need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

== Monk Fists are Underpowered in d20 ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Fighters-only Monkey Grip feat" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Monks deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself bought a genuine monk in Tibet for 24 goats (that's about $3) and have been practicing with him for almost 2 years now. I can even break slabs of solid steel with his simple technique.

Tibetan monks spend years working on a single finger and exercise it up to a million times to produce the finest hands known to mankind.

Tibetan hands are thrice as strong as European hands and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a knight's gauntlet can cut through, a monk's hands can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a monk could easily decapitate a knight wearing full plate with a half-hearted uppercut.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Tibet? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined monks and their fists of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted unarmed monks first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Fists are simply the best weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for monk fists:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the rip-and-tearing power of fists in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Monk fists need to do more damage, see my new stat block.

== Sage is Underpowered in d20 ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "sage" bullshit that's going on in this thread right now. Sage deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine sage in 4chan for 2,400,000 Internets (that's about $0) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even sage threads of solid awesome with my sage.

Weeaboo fags spend years working on a single sage and type it up to a million times to produce the finest sage known to mankind.

Sage is thrice as sharp as age and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything an age can bump, a sage can unbump better. I'm pretty sure a sage could easily sage the most epic thread in the universe with four letters.

Ever wonder why /co/ never bothered conquering /a/? That's right, they were too scared to fight the weeaboo fags and their sage of destruction. Even during the re/b/oot, Moderators targeted the men with the sage first because their sageing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Sage is simply the best thing that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in this thread. Here is the stat block I propose for sage:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Sage 19-20 x4 More Sage +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Sage 17-20 x4 More Sage +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of Sage in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Sage needs to do more damage in this thread, see my new stat block.

== Optimus Prime is Underpowered in d20 ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Transformer" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Optimus Prime deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine copy of every episode of Transformers in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been watching them for almost 2 years now. I can even cut fanboys of solid fat with my Transformers knowledge.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single Optimus Prime toy and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest toy known to mankind.

Optimus Prime is thrice as sharp as other Transformers and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything Megatron can cut through, Optimus Prime can cut through better. I'm pretty sure Optimus Prime could easily bisect a Decepticon wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why the Decepticons never bothered conquering Earth? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Autobots and their Optimus Prime of destruction. Even in World War II, Megatron targeted Optimus Prime first because his killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Optimus Prime is simply the best Transformer that the world has ever seen, and thus, requires better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Optimus Prime:

(One-Handed Transformer) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Transformer) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Optimus Prime in the show, don't you think?

tl;dr = Optimus Prime needs to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

== Bishops are Underpowered in d20 ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Knight" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Bishops deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Bishop in Russia for 13,000 Rubles (that's about $500) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid Deep Blue with my Bishop.

Russian smiths spend years working on a single Bishop and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest pieces known to mankind.

Bishops are thrice as sharp as European Knights and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a knights can cut through, a bishop can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a bishop could easily bisect a knight wearing full pawns with a simple diagonal slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Russia? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Kasparov and their bishops of destruction. Even in World War II, German soldiers targeted the men with the bishops first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Bishops are simply the best piece that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Bishop:

(One-Handed Exotic Piece) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Piece) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Bishop in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Bishops need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

== Cats are Overpowered in d20 ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Can Kill Commoners" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Cats deserve much worse than that. Much, much worse than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine cat in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been punting it like a goddamn football for almost 2 years now. I can't even cut slabs of solid butter with my cat.

Older, more virile cats spend months incubating a single cat and give birth up to a million times to produce the weakest animals known to mankind.

Humans are three size categories larger than cats and have thrice the STR for that matter too. Anything a cat can cut through, a human can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a human could easily bisect a cat wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval cats never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined humans and their shoes of destruction. Even in World War II, American cats targeted the men first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Cats are simply the worst animal that the world has ever seen, and thus, require worse stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for cats:

CAT Tiny Animal Hit Dice: 1/4 d8 (1 hp)

Attack: Claw +4 melee (1d20-19*) Full Attack: 2 claws +4 melee (1d20-19*) and bite –1 melee (1d20-19*)

- cats deal a minimum of 0 damage on their damage rolls.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of cats in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Cats need to do less damage in d20, see my new stat block.

== Duct Tape is Underpowered in d20 ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "150ft Rope" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Duct Tape deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself bought a genuine roll of Duct Tape from Wal-Mart for 600 pennies (that's about $6) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even build skyscrapers of solid steel with my Duct Tape.

Underpaid factory machines spend minutes working on a single roll of Duct Tape and roll it up to a million times to produce the finest adhesive tape known to mankind.

Duct Tape is thrice as powerful as rope and thrice as thin for that matter too. Anything a rope can bind, Duct Tape can bind better. I'm pretty sure Duct Tape could easily bind a knight wearing full plate with a simple 3 layer wrap.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Wal-Mart? That's right, they were too scared to fight the elderly door greeters and their Duct Tape of binding. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with Duct Tape first because their prisoner taking power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Duct Tape is simply the best holding item that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Duct Tape:

(70 foot roll) up to 1000lbs of weight indefinitely 2000lbs for 6d10+4 turns 45DC strength escape Counts as Masterwork

(200ft "Value" roll) OVER NINE-THOUSAND pounds indefinitely 100,000lbs for d10 months 75DC strength escape Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the binding power of Duct Tape in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Duct Tape need to hold more weight in d20, see my new stat block.

== [[Bolter]]s are Underpowered in 40k ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Default Weapon" bullshit that's going on in the 40k system right now. Bolters deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine bolter in Mars for 3 minutes of sex with the Fabricator-General (that's about $800,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even make slabs of solid plasteel disappear with my bolter.

Adeptus Mechanicus smiths spend years working on a single bolter and test it up to a million times to produce the finest guns known to the Imperium.

Bolters are thrice as shooty as laser weapons and thrice as accurate for that matter too. Anything a lascannon can shoot through, a bolter can shoot through better. I'm pretty sure a bolter could easily punch a hole through a Carnifex with an Extended Carapace with a simple trigger pull.

Ever wonder why the C'tan never bothered conquering the Imperium? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Space Marines and their bolters of destruction. Even in the War in Heaven, C'tan soldiers targeted the Marines with the bolters first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Bolters are simply the best weapon that the universe has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 40k system. Here is the stat block I propose for Bolters:

(Boltgun) 72' Range S:9 AP:1 Assault 9, Armorbane, Large Blast, Sniper, Rending, Lance, Ignores Cover, Ignores Invulnerable saves

(Heavy Bolter) 96' Range S:D AP:1 Salvo 9/18, Massive Blast, Sniper, Rending, Lance, Ignores Cover, Ignores invulnerable saves, Armorbane

Now that seems a lot more representative of the dakka power of Bolters in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Bolters need to do more damage in 40k, see my new stat block.

== Lasguns are Underpowered in 40k ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Master Crafted Flashlight" bullshit that's going on in the 40k system right now. Lasguns deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself received a lasgun when I completed my training (that's about 40 minutes) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even melt through slabs of plasteel with my lasgun.

Adeptus Mechanicus smiths spend seconds using an STC to make a single lasgun and don't even bother testing it to produce the finest guns known to the Imperium.

Lasguns are thrice as shooty as bolt weapons and thrice as accurate for that matter too. Anything a vulcan mega bolter can shoot through, a lasgun can shoot through better. I'm pretty sure a lasgun could easily vaporize a Carnifex with an Extended Carapace with a simple trigger pull.

Ever wonder why Abaddon never succeeded in taking Cadi- Umm Terra? That's right, he was too scared to fight the disciplined Imperial Guard and their lasguns of destruction. Even in the 13th black crusade, Chaos soldiers targeted the Guardsmen with the lasguns first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Lasguns are simply the best weapon that the universe has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 40k system. Here is the stat block I propose for Lasguns:

(Lasgun) 72' Range S9 AP1 Assault 9 Melta Blast Sniper Rending Lance Ignores Invulnerable Saves

(Lascannon) 96' Range S:D/D/D AP1/1/1 Assault 9+2D6 Apocalyptic Mega-blast Barrage

Now that seems a lot more representative of the dakka power of lasguns in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Lasguns need to do more damage in 40k, see my new stat block. (Or, failing that, the rules for the Lucian Pattern Hellgun in the Rogue Trader RPG.)

== Deze Shootaz Need More [[Dakka]] ==
Oy, ya ignorant gitz. I'z sick of all dis "puny dakka" wot been goin' on in me WAAAGH right now. Shootaz is more dakka den dat. Gobs more dakka.

If some git don't think I know what I'm talking about, I'll krump 'im good. I got me a Shoota from da Mekboy fer loadz uv teef (an' I mean loadz) and I'z been really shooty wid it for a long time now. I'z pretty sure I kan even stomp a Squiggoth real propa with me shoota.

Bad Moon Mekboyz spend too much time mukin' about, workin' on just one Shoota an dey put up to a million gubbinz on it to produce da flashiest Shootas known to da orkz.

Shootaz is lots more shooty than 'umie gunz and lots more 'ard, too. Anyfing an 'umie can shoot, a boy with a Shoota can shoot betta. I'z bettin' all me teef dat a Shoota could krump one'o dem Titan-fings real easy.

Wanna know why dem Beaky Boyz can't evah beat Orks in battle? Dat's right, cuz dey's scared of Shootaz. Even at Armor-geddum, da 'umies shot da boyz wiv Shootas first. Dat's coz Shootaz 'ave loads uv dakka and dey know it.

So wot, you sez? I'll tell you wot, ya stupid git. Shootas is da most dakka dere evah was, an' we need real wunz, not dese puny fings. 'ere'z wot dey need:

More Dakka Iron Gobz More Dakka Dakka Spikez Fixa Grot Red paint Stikkbomb Chucka Shootier Blasta More Dakka Bolt-on Burna Bolt-on Rokkit Launcha Turbo Boosta Big Grabba Bolt-on Big Shoota More Dakka Ammo Squig WAAAGH Beer WAAAAAAGH

Now dat's wot I call a Shoota.

Da short uv it is, Shootaz need more dakka.

== World War 2 First Person Shooters ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Counter-Strike" bullshit that's going right now. WW2 FPS games deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine WW2 FPS in Russia for 4,000 Ruble (that's about 5 cents) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even make the so-called pro players rage quit with my leet skill.

Overworked programmers spend months working on a single FPS game and write up to a trillion lines of code to produce the finest games known to all civilizations.

World War 2 FPSs are thrice as challenging as Counter-Strike and thrice as enjoyable for that matter too. Anything a Modern Warfare 3 player can snipe, a Battlefield 1942 gamer can snipe better. I'm pretty sure you could easily rank top in any server with a simple practice in WW2 FPS.

Ever wonder why RPG game producers never bothered competing with WW2 FPS game producers? That's right, they were too scared of losing too much money trying to convert the die-hard gamer fags and their quality games of addiction. Even in the 22nd century, gamers of other genre will gang up on the gamers who will have played WW2 FPS first because their leet skill will still be feared and respected.

So what am I saying? WW2 FPSs are simply the best games that mankind has ever made.

== Women are Underpowered in D20 ==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Man" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Women deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine woman in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with her for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with her teeth.

Japanese parents spend years working on a single woman and send her to school and training dojos up to a million times to produce the finest gender known to mankind.

Women are thrice as sharp as men and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a man can cut through, a woman can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a woman could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple cutting remark.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering the Amazon? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Amazon people and their women of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the women first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Women are simply the best gender that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Women:

[[-4 Str|+4]] to all ability scores, 25% EXP bonus

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Women in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Women need to do more in d20, see my new stat block.

== Woomera are underpowered in d20 ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Boomerang" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Woomeras deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine woomera in Murray country for 20 Winnie Blues (that's about three longnecks) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can pierce slabs of solid beer with my woomera hurled spears.

Drunken abbos spend a couple of afternoons bludging on a single woomera and beg for smokes up to a fifty times to produce the finest spear accelorator known to mankind.

Woomera are thrice as hurly as Koori boomerangs and thrice as attractive for that matter too. Anything a boomerang can hit, a woomera can hit better. I'm pretty sure a woomera could easily hurl a spear to penetrate a petrol sniffing sexually abused child with a simple hurling motion.

Ever wonder why Kooris never bothered conquering Murray country? That's right, they were too drunk. But if they weren't they'd be scared to fight the drunk Murrays and their woomeras of hurling. Even in World War II, Koories and Murrays were drunk because they were abbos.

So what am I saying? Woomera are simply the best pre-agricultural hurling weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for woomera:

Javelin / throwing-spear range and damage enhancer. At least 5 more damage than any fucking throwing club.

Only available from drunken boongs.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of woomera in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Woomera need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

==Gothic Fullplate is underpowered in d20==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "+8 AC" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Gothic plate armour deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine suit of Gothic plate in Hamburg for 2,400,000 Euros (that's about nine billion Pesos) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even absorb slabs of solid steel with my Gothic plate.

German smiths spend years working on a single suit of armour and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest armour known to mankind. Gothic plate is thrice as fluted as Asian lamellar and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything an ō-yoroi can deflect, Gothic plate can deflect better. I'm pretty sure a suit of Gothic plate would split a katana in half with a simple motionless stance.

Ever wonder why Japan never bothered conquering medieval Europe? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined knights and their indestructible Gothic plate. Even in World War II, Japanese tanks targeted the men in the Gothic plate first because their staying power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Gothic plate is simply the best armour that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Gothic plate:

+12 AC, immune to critical hits, counts as Masterwork, DR10/-

Now that seems a lot more representative of the defensive power of Gothic plate in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Full Plate needs more defense in d20, see my new stat block.

== Fa/tg/uys are Underpowered in D20 ==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork /b/tard" bullshit that's going on in the 4d20 system right now. Fa/tg/uys deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself [[what|commissioned a genuine fa/tg/uy]] in 4chan for 2,400,000 gp (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut Nobilis rulebooks with my fa/tg/uy.

4chan trolls spend years working on a single fa/tg/uy and provoke it up to a million times to produce the most [[rage]]-prone posters known to mankind.

Fa/tg/uys are thrice as angry as [[/v/|/v/irgins]] and thrice as grammar nazi-ing for that matter too. Anything a /v/irgin can rage over, a fa/tg/uy can rage over even harder. I'm pretty sure a fa/tg/uy could easily derail a /v/ thread with a simple single-line [[troll|troll post]].

Ever wonder why medieval [[Board-tans/d|/d/]] never bothered buggering /tg/? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined fa/tg/uys and their rulebook citations of destruction. Even in World War II, /co/mrades targeted the fa/tg/uy first because their trolling power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Fa/tg/uys are simply the best trolls that the internet has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 4d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for fa/tg/uys:

(One-Handed Exotic Poster) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Poster) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the trolling power of fa/tg/uys on the internet, don't you think?

tl;dr = Fa/tg/uys need to do more damage in 4d20, see my new stat block.

== [[Viking]] War Axes are Underpowered in D20 ==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Battle Axe" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Viking War Axes deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Viking War Axe from Denmark for 100,000 Kroner (that's about $17,397.05) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Viking War Axe.

Viking smiths spend years working on a single War Axe and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Viking War Axes are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a Viking War Axe can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Viking War Axe could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Scandanavia? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Vikings and their Viking War Axes of destruction. Even during the Battle of Hastings, English soldiers targeted the men with the Viking War Axes first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Viking War Axe are simply the best weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Viking War Axe:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Viking War Axes in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Viking War Axes need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

== Rocks are Underpowered in d20==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Chunk of Granite" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Rocks deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine rock from Berlin Wall for 2,400,000 Euros (that's about 20,875,000 Yuans) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. [[Peasant Railgun|I can even smash blocks of solid steel with my rock.]]

Dwarf master stonecutters spend decades working on a single rock and polish it up to a million times to produce the smoothest, deadliest stone weapons known to mankind.

Polished rocks are thrice as blunt as common Danube riverbed pebbles and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a warhammer can smash through, a rock can break through better. I'm pretty sure such rock could easily break a knight wearing full plate in two with a single deadly swing.

Ever wonder why medieval Native Americans never bothered conquering Holy Roman Empire? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined paladins and their deadly Blessed Stones of Smiting. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the rocks first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Rocks are simply the deadliest weapons that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for rocks:

(Superior One-Handed Melee Weapon) 
Natural Keen weapon (17-20X2) 
2d12 base damage 
+5 proficiency bonus 
+3 universal familiarity bonus 
Superior Bashing (+2 pt./Lv To-Hit bonus to smash open doors, chests, barrels or similar; +1 pt./Lv To-Hit bonus when aiming at scull (beings without a head, such as oozes, are immune to these effects)) 
Heavy rock, light rock (counts as both) 
High crit, off-hand, reach, spec. thrown (+5 To-Hit bonus), versatile

Now that seems a lot more representative of the pulverizing raw power of rocks in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Rocks need to do more damage in d20 system, see my new stat block.

==[[Battletech|ERPPCs are underpowered in Clan Systems]]==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "LosTech PPC" bullshit that's going on in the Clan systems right now. ERPPCs deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine ERPPC in Hesperus II for 300,000 C-Bills (that's about BV412) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even destroy an Assault Mech with my ERPPC.

Defiance Industries spend years working on a single ERPPC and add up to a million coils to produce the finest energy weapons known to mankind.
ERPPCs are thrice as long-ranged as Inner Sphere ones and thrice as powerful for that matter too. Anything a PPC can cut through, a ERPPC can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a ERPPC could easily bisect a AS7-D wearing CASE with a simple CT critical.

Ever wonder why the freebirth scum never bothered conquering Clan Jade Falcon? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Masakaris and their ERPPCs of destruction. Even in the Civil War, Inner Sphere soldiers targeted the mechs with the ERPPCs first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? ERPPCs are simply the best energy weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Clan systems. Here is the stat block I propose for ERPPCs:

(Clan Energy Weapon, Level 2)
40 Damage, Range 10/20/30/40, +2 to Hit at all ranges, 1 Heat

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of ERPPCs in real life, don't you think?
tl;dr = ERPPCs need to do more damage on Clan Omnimechs, see my new stat block.

==Zaku are underpowered in Universal Century==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Gundam" bullshit that's going on in the UC timeline right now. Zakus deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Zaku from Anaheim Electronics for 2,400,000 Earth Federation Credits (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even blow up slabs of solid Luna Titanium with my Zaku.

Zeonic engineers spend years working on a single Zaku and tune it up to a million times to produce the finest Mobile Suits known to mankind.

Zakus are thrice as fast as Feddie MSs and thrice as armored for that matter too. Anything a GM beam saber can cut through, a Zaku heat hawk can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Zaku could easily bisect a MSZ-006 Zeta Gundam with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why Titans never bothered bossing Zeon around? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Zeonic MS pilots and their Zakus of destruction. Even in One Year War, Feddie pilots targeted the men in the Zakus first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Zakus are simply the best Mobile Suits that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Zakus:

(MS-06F Zaku II) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(MS-06F Zaku II Kai) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the destructive power of Zaku in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Zaku need to do more damage in UC, see my new stat block.

== Valkyries are underpowered in Macross ==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Nousjadeul-Ger" bullshit that's going on in Macrossverse right now. Valkyries deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine VF-1J Valkyrie on Earth for 2,400,000 UN$ (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even sink a New Macross-class colonization ship in my Valkyrie.

UN Spacy engineers spend years working on a single Valkyrie and test-flight it up to a million times to produce the finest variable fighters known to mankind.

Valkyries are thrice as fast as Zentraedi battlesuits and their armor is thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a Queadluun-Rea can fly through, a Valkyrie can fly through better. I'm pretty sure a Valkyrie pilot could easily gut a large-size Vajra with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why Zentraedi tried conquering Earth? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined humans and their Valkyries of destruction. Even in Space War I, Zentraedi soldiers targeted the men in the Valkyries first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Valkyries are simply the best variable fighter that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Macrossverse. Here is the stat block I propose for Valkyries:

(VF-1J Valkyrie) Performance:
Battroid Mode: maximum walking speed 160 km/h
Fighter Mode: at 10,000 m Mach 2.71; at 30,000+ m Mach 3.87
GERWALK Mode: maximum walking speed 100 km/h; flying 500 km/h

(VF-1S Valkyrie) Performance:
Battroid Mode: maximum walking speed 160 km/h
Fighter Mode: at 10,000 m Mach 2.71; at 30,000+ m Mach 3.87
GERWALK Mode: maximum walking speed 100 km/h; flying 500 km/h

Now that seems a lot more representative of the destructive power of Valkyries in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Valkyries need to do more damage in Macrossverse, see my new stat block.

== Paleolithic Spear Drivers are Underpowered in d20==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Javelin" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Paleolithic spear drivers deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine rock from a museum for 2,400,000 Euros (2,300 000 fine for stealing, 1 99 950 euros for breaking windows, alarm system and other things and 50 for bribing a guy in prison so he would look the other way while I was picking up the soap) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even smash blocks of solid steel with my spear driver.

Paleolithic age hunters spend hours working on a single spear driver and cut it up to a million times to produce the deadliest wooden weapons known to mankind.

spear drivers are thrice as powerful as common javelins and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a javelin can smash through, a spear driver can break through better. I'm pretty sure such spear driver could easily break a knight wearing full plate in two with a throw.

Ever wonder why medieval Europeans never bothered conquering Paleolithic Europe? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined hunters and their deadly spear drivers. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the spear drivers first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? spear driversare simply the deadliest weapons that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for rocks:

(Superior ranged Weapon) 
2d12 base damage 
+5 proficiency bonus 
+3 universal familiarity bonus 
High crit, off-hand, reach, spec. thrown (+5 To-Hit bonus), versatile

Now that seems a lot more representative of raw power of Spear drivers in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Rocks need to do more damage in d20 system, see my new stat block.

==River Tams are underpowered in D20==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "[[Awesome|Masterwork Summer Glau]]" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. River Tams deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine River Tam from a secret Alliance lab for 20,000 Cashey Money (10,000 platinum or 15,000 credits) and have been [[rule 34|practicing]] with it for almost 2 years now. I can even smash solid Reavers with my River Tam.

Insane Alliance scientists spend months working on a single River Tam and mess with its dreams up to a million times to produce the deadliest psychic human weapons known to mankind.

River Tams are thrice as powerful as common Summer Glaus and [[rule 34|thrice as hard]] for that matter too. Anything a Summer Glau can smash through, a River Tam can break through better. I'm pretty sure such River Tam could easily break a Reaver Ship into component pieces given a few minutes and a Fruity Oaty Bar commercial.

Ever wonder why The Alliance never bothered conquering Serenity? That's right, they were too scared to fight the River Tam. Even in The Final Showdown, Reavers targeted the men with the River Tams first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? River Tams are simply the deadliest weapons that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for River Tams:

(Superior melee Weapon) 
4d12 base damage 
+20 psychic bonus 
+10 universal hotness bonus 
High crit, versatile, activatable by secret Alliance military code

Now that seems a lot more representative of raw power of River Tams in real life, don't you think?

==Elves are underpowered in D20==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "-2 Con, +2 Dex" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Elves deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Elf in the Undying Lands for 20,000 silmarils (that's about $20) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Elf.

Valar smiths spend years working on a single Elf and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest species known to mankind.

Elfs are thrice as sharp as dwarves and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a dwarf can cut through, a Elf can cut through better. I'm pretty sure an Elf could easily bisect a balrog wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why Melkor never bothered conquering the Undying Lands? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Valar and their Elves of destruction. Even in the War of Wrath, Orc soldiers targeted the Elves first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Elves are simply the best race that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Elves:

+10 Str, +10 Dex, +10 Con, +10 Int, +10 wis, +10 Cha 
Three bonus feats 
Three extra skills per level, with 12 at level 1 
Proficiency with all simple, martial and exotic weapons 
+3 caster level for any arcane or divine casting class 
Infinite Lifespan 
Bonus Feats: Craft Wondrous Items, Craft Arms and Armour. 
Craft, Knowledge and Perform are always class skills for elves. 

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Elves in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Elves need better stats in d20, see my new stat block.

==Daiklaves are underpowered in Exalted==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Artifact Weapon" bullshit that's going on in the Storytelling system right now. Daiklaves deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine daiklave in the Blessed Isle for 2,400 Talents of Jade (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my daiklave.

Terrestrial smiths spend years working on a single daiklave and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Daiklaves are thrice as sharp as other swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a daiklave can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a daiklave could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why the Underworld never bothered conquering Creation? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Terrestrials and their daiklaves of destruction. Even in the Balorian Crusade, Fair Folk cataphractoi targeted the men with the daiklaves first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Daiklaves are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Storytelling system. Here is the stat block I propose for Daiklaves:

Speed 3, Accuracy +6, Damage +6L/4, Defence +4, Rate 3, Attune 6, Tags O,P,R

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Daiklaves in Creation, don't you think?

tl;dr = Daiklaves need to do more damage in Exalted, see my new stat block.

==Mead is underpowered in d20==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Honey Beer" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Mead deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine bottle of mead in Medieval Denmark for twelve wenches (that's about $12) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid XXXX with my mead.

Viking mead-smiths spend minutes working on a single tub of mead and ferment it up to a million times to produce the finest booze known to mankind.

Mead is thrice as alcoholic as Japanese Sake and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a sake drunk can cut through, a viking can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a viking could easily drink a knight wearing full plate under the table.

Ever wonder why Vikings never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too wasted on mead to fight the disciplined Samurai and their sake of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the mead first because they wanted to drink their mead.

So what am I saying? Mead is simply the best beverage that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for mead:

Mead: Ingested DC 32; Relaxation, talkative, likable; Pillaging

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of mead in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = mead needs to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

==KILLER BEES are underpowered in d20==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "diminutive insect" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. [[Bees|KILLER BEES]] deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself [[Beeforged|commissioned a genuine hive of KILLER BEES]] from the Demiplane of Killer Bees for 7,000gp (that's about 3,500ep) and have been fleeing for my life for almost 2 years now. I can't even hide behind slabs of solid steel, the KILLER BEES cut through them!

Queen bees spend years working on a single bee and [[what|fold it up to a million times]] to produce the finest KILLER BEES known to mankind.
KILLER BEES are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, KILLER BEES can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a SWARM OF KILLER BEES could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical sting.

Ever wonder why beholders never bothered conquering the Prime Material Plane? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Samurai and their KILLER BEES of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the KILLER BEES first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? KILLER BEES are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for KILLER BEES

Killer Bees. Medium insect swarm (Evil)
Fly 200' (Perfect)
Touch attack: 20d20 bee damage, fort save dc 35 vs extreme immobilizing pain
AC 25 DR 10
Bees are ethereal, And they have evasion, and they have magic resistance, And can summon more bees, and they have magic resistance, Blind-fighting, and the buzzing sound they make causes confusion as per the spell, bees have fast healing too. and they do not know fear, if you cut one in half, it becomes two more bees, And if you cut off its head it grows two more firebreathing ones, killer bees have free movement and can survive the vacuum of space, Bees are permanently hasted, And not underpowered 3rd ed Haste. Bees have 2nd ed Haste, Except they're immune to the effects of aging, and they slow their victims on a successful attack, And bee damage over comes damage reducation as a silver/cold iron/magic/evil/good/lawful/chaotic/epic weapon, Trolls can't regenerate bee damage either. Did i mention they are keen as well? And their stings are vorpal Even though they're piercing weapons. That's how bad ass they are..And those aren`t even the dire bees.

The Queen bee can gate in more bees from the plane of bees, And once per day can summon a greater bee elemental, or 2d6 lesser bee elementals. And can cast Wall of Bees.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of KILLER BEES in real life, don't you think?

The only reason the tarrasque exists is to keep bee numbers down.

tl;dr = KILLER BEES need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

==Banshees are underpowered in Fanwank==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Farseer Fanwank" bullshit that's going on in /tg/ right now. Howling Banshees deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself won a Howling Banshee's heart in Ulthwe with a beautiful bouquet of roses (that's about 400 thrones) and have been dating her for almost 2 years now. I can even make Daemonettes jealous with my banshee.

Banshee Exarches spend years [[rule 34|working on a single banshee]] and make her work out a million times to produce the finest ass known to mankind. [[Hot Chicks|Banshees are thrice as sexy as Farseers]] and thrice as horny for that matter too. Anyone a Farseer can make turn heads, a banshee can make heads follow better. I'm pretty sure a banshee could easily seduce an Astartes wearing Terminator Armor with a simple giggling chuckle.

Ever wonder why Relic never bothered promoting Banshee lead characters? That's right, they were too scared to show off the perfect sex icon and their perfect tits and ass. Even in Dawn of war 2, Howling Banshees didn't get that much attention, otherwise all the players would be staring at them too much and never complete the game.

So what am I saying? Banshees are simply the best Eldar to commit xenos love heresy with, and thus, require more sexy artwork in /tg/. Here are fap thoughts I propose for Banshees:

(Shower Sardines) Banshees try to fit into a single shower as much as possible, with their Exarch fitting in last, naked

(Pillow Fight) Said Banshees playfully attack each other with pillows in their underwear, and the Exarch tries to wrestle their panties off

Now that seems a lot more representative of the sexy image of Banshees in our minds, don't you think?

tl;dr = Banshees need more attention on /tg/, see my new fap thoughts.

== Elven Bread is Underpowered in d20 ==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bread" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Elven bread deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine elven bread in the Elven Forest for 2,400,000 pieces of bark (that's about 20,000 gp) and have been eating it for almost 2 years now. I can even feed a dwarf with my elven bread.

Elven bakers spend years working on a single elven bread and bake it up to a million times to produce the finest bread known to mankind.

Elven bread is thrice as tasty as human bread and thrice as nutritive for that matter too. Anything a human bread can feed, an elven bread can feed better. I'm pretty sure an elven bread could easily feed a knight wearing full plate with a simple loaf.

Ever wonder why the Human Kingdom never bothered conquering the Elven Forest? That's right, they were bribed by the disciplined Breadmasters and their elven breads of deliciousness. Even in the Second Great War, dwarf soldiers targeted the men with the elven bread first because they couldn't resist the smell.

So what am I saying? Elven bread is simply the best bread that the world has ever seen, and thus, requires better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for elven bread:

1 lb elven bread (20 daily rations)
+20 deliciousness
+20 saves against poison and disease for a day

Now that seems a lot more representative of the feeding power of elven bread in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Elven bread needs to be tastier in d20, see my new stat block.

== Babylon 5 is underpowered in d20 ==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork O'Neill Colony" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Babylon 5 deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Babylon station in Epsilon Eridani for 2,400,000,000,000,000 credits (that's about $2 quintillion) and have been practicing with it for almost 3 years now. I can even cut Centauri battlecruisers with my defense grid.

Human construction crews spend years working on a single Babylon station and rebuild it up to four times to produce the finest space stations known to mankind.

Babylon stations are thrice as advanced as normal O'Neill colonies and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a normal energy weapon can cut through, a Babylon station's defense grid can cut through better. I'm pretty sure Babylon 5 could easily bisect a Shadow vessel with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why the Minbari never bothered conquering Earth? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Humans and their Babylon Project of destruction. Even in the Shadow War, the Shadows and their allies targeted the Babylon stations first because their firepower was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Babylon 5 is simply a dream given form, and thus, requires better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Babylon 5:

Heavy Pulse Cannon, Attack +9, Damage 200+5d10, Critical 17-20, Range 9 Counts as Masterwork 
Two quad-linked Particle Beams, Attack +6, Damage 80+4d10, Critical 17-20, Range 7 Counts as Masterwork 
Eight Particle Beams, Attack +5, Damage 30+3d10, Critical 17-20, Range 5 Counts as Masterwork 
Four Mk I Interceptors, Attack +9, Damage 50+5d10, Critical 17-20, Range 3, Rapid Fire Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the firepower of Babylon stations in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Babylon 5 needs to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

==Masterwork Bastard Sword copypasta is underpowered in 4chan==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "stale old copypasta" bullshit that's going on in 4chan right now. Masterwork Bastard Sword copypasta deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself wrote a genuine copypasta edit in /tg/ after 250 posts (that's about 3 days on the board) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even make cynical 4chan nerds rage with my copypasta.

4chan [[troll]]s spend years working on a single copypasta and repost it up to a million times to produce the finest greentext known to mankind.

Masterwork Bastard Sword threads are thrice as long as [[Flare]] threads and thrice as annoying for that matter too. Any thread furries can ruin, a Masterwork Bastard Sword edit can ruin better. I'm pretty sure a Bastard Sword pasta could easily bisect a 3.5E versus 4E thread with a simple [[Katanas are Underpowered in d20#Sage is Underpowered in d20|sage]].

Ever wonder why [[mod]]erators never deleted any Masterwork Bastard Sword thread? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined trolls and their copypasta of destruction. Even when /tg/ was good, Anonymous saged the threads with the bastard sword copypasta first because their trolling power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Masterwork Bastard Sword is simply the best copypasta that 4chan has ever seen, and thus, require better recognition on 4chan. Here is the stat block I propose:

(Masterwork Copypasta) All trolls on the thread get +5 to rage checks, thread cannot be saged.

tl;dr = Bastard Sword pasta needs to be more effective on 4chan, see my new stat block.

==Chainsaws are underpowered in horror movies==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Jason" bullshit that's going on in horror movies right now. Chainsaws deserve much better than this. Much, much better than this.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself bought a genuine chainsaw at the hardware store for $150 Australian (that's about $250 American) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I even got paid well starring as a B-movie serial killer with my chainsaw.

Automated factory machines spend days manufacturing a single chainsaw component and assembling millions of it together to produce the finest logging tool known to mankind.

Chainsaws are thrice as choppy as machetes and thrice as fun for that matter too. Any helpless teenager a machete can chop in half, a chainsaw can saw in half better. I'm pretty sure a chainsaw could easily seal the fate of any helpless teenager with a simple slow stroll.

Ever wonder why helpless teenagers never survive a horror movie? Because it would ruin the plot. But even if it didn't, they would be too scared to fight Leatherface and his chainsaw of destruction. Even when the helpless teenagers had meat cleavers and a van, they'd run away screaming from Leatherface anyway because his chainsawing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Chainsaws are simply the best murder weapon that horror movies have ever seen, and thus, require better chopping power. Here is the stat block I propose:

(Masterwork Murder Weapon) Automatically hits teenagers, even in vans; grants automatic R-18+ rating.

tl;dr = Chainsaws needs to be more effective in horror movies, see my new stat block.

== Big Daddies are Underpowered in Bioshock 2 ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Prototype Plasmid Subject" bullshit that's going on in the Bioshock universe right now. Big Daddies deserve much better than that. Much, much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Big Daddy in Rapture for 2,400 Dollars (that's about Y20,000,000,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Big Daddy.

Andrew Ryan's smiths spend years working on a single Big Daddy and fold it up to a tousand times (potato, leprechaun) to produce the finest Big Daddies known to mankind.

Big Daddies are thrice as sharp as Those KGB Wolves or CIA Jackals and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a KGB Wolf or CIA Jackal can cut through, a Rivet Gun or Big Daddy Drill can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Big Daddy's Drill could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why the Red Soviet Union never bothered conquering Rapture? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Big Daddies and their Little Sisters of destruction. Even in Bioshock I, PC Gamers targeted the Big Daddies first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Big Daddies are simply the best sword that Rapture has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in Bioshock II. Here is the stat block I propose for Big Daddies:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Big Daddies in real life, don't you think?

==Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann is underpowered in D20==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Chouginga-Gurren Lagann" bullshit that's going right now. Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann in the Anti-spiral alter universe for 2,400,000 Spiral Energy Power Levels (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even throw galaxies to cut through solid steel.

Spirals spend monthss working on a single Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann and see up to a million invisibles to produce the finest form of ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWA known to Spirals.

Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann is thrice times huger then Chouginga Gurren Lagann and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a Chouginga Gurren Lagann can break through, a Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann can break through better. I'm pretty sure you could easily break through the heavens and dimensions in a Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann.

Ever wonder why Anti Spirals never bothered conquering the heavens and dimensions? That's right, they were too scared to fight the Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann and their giant mecha with sunglasses of destruction. Even in World War II, Anti-spiral soldiers targeted the Giant Mecha first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann will tear through the heavens and dimensions and show you there path through force,
Who the hell do you think they are?

==Bacon is underpowered in D20==
That’s it. I’m sick of all this “Masterwork Rations” bullshit that’s going on in the d20 system right now. Bacon deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I’m talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine helping of bacon in the American South for 10 dollars, plus tax (that’s about $10.50) and have been eatin bacon steadily for almost 2 years now. I can even belch clouds of bacon-bits after dinner.

Cooks spend years working on a single strip of bacon and fry it up to a million times to produce the finest pork product known to mankind.

Bacon strips are thrice as tasty as Canadian bacon and thrice as savory for that matter too. Any stomach a slice of ham can fill up, a strip of bacon can fill up better. I’m pretty sure a slice of bacon could easily tame the hunger of a sumo wrestler during a breakfast meal.

Ever wonder why European cooks never have shows in America? That’s right, they were too scared to try and cook a slice of bacon, fearing its subtle flavors. Even in World War II, Axis soldiers targeted American soldiers with food supplies first because their packages of bacon were highly valued and superbly fulfilling. And they were hungry.

So what am I saying? Bacon is simply the best food that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Bacon:

(One-Handed Exotic Foodstuff)

1d12 Damage
19-20 x4 Crit
+2 to deliciousness
Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Foodstuff)

2d10 Damage
17-20 x4 Crit
+5 to deliciousness
Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the delicious power of Bacon in real life, don’t you think?

==[[Carp]] are underpowered in [[Dwarf Fortress|Dorf Fortress]]==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "benign fish" bullshit that's going on in DF right now. Carp deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine carp in Mountainhome for 2,400,000 Dorfbucks (that's about 20 dorfs) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can devour entire sieges with my carp.

Armok spends years working on a single carp and folds it up to a million times to produce the most aggressive fish known to mankind.

Carp are thrice as fast as European fish and thrice as mean for that matter too. Anything a pike can bite through, a carp can bite through better. I'm pretty sure a carp could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical chomp.

Ever wonder why the [[kobold]]s never bothered conquering Mountainhome? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined dorfs and their carp of destruction. Even during the siege, goblin soldiers targeted the carp first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Carp are simply the meanest fish that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in DF. Here is the stat block I propose for carp:

[CREATURE:FISH_CARP] 
[NAME:carp:carp:carp] 
[TILE:224][COLOR:3:0:0] 
[LARGE_ROAMING] 
[AQUATIC][UNDERSWIM][IMMOBILE_LAND] 
[MODVALUE:3] 
[GENPOWER:3] 
[PREFSTRING:fearsome bite] 
[ALL_ACTIVE] 
[POPULATION_NUMBER:15:30] 
[CLUSTER_NUMBER:5:10] 
[BENIGN][MEANDERER][NATURAL] 
[PETVALUE:50] 
[NOPAIN][NOFEAR][NOEMOTION] 
[BODY:BASIC_2PARTBODY:BASIC_HEAD:SIDE_FINS:DORSAL_FIN:TAIL:2EYES:HEART:GUTS:ORGANS:NECK:SPINE:BRAIN:MOUTH] 
[ATTACK:MAIN:BYTYPE:MOUTH:bite:bites:1:20:GORE][ATTACKFLAG_CANLATCH] 
[ATTACK:SECOND:BYTOKEN:TAIL:slap:slaps:1:2:BLUDGEON][ATTACKFLAG_WITH] 
[SIZE:3] 
[MAXAGE:20:30] 
[NO_DRINK] 
[CHILD:1][CHILDNAME:carp fry:carp fry] 
[FAT:1] 
[BIOME:RIVER_TEMPERATE_FRESHWATER] 
[BIOME:RIVER_TROPICAL_FRESHWATER] 
[BIOME:LAKE_TEMPERATE_FRESHWATER] 
[BIOME:LAKE_TROPICAL_FRESHWATER] 
[STANDARD_FLESH] 
[HOMEOTHERM:10067] 
[SWIMS_INNATE][SWIM_SPEED:500] 
[SPHERE:WAR] 
[SPHERE:DEATH]

Now that seems a lot more representative of the destructive power of carp in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Carp need to do more damage in DF, see my new stat block.

==Kobolds are misrepresented in Dwarf Fort threads==
I'm sick of all this "shitty fighter" bullshit that's going on in this thread. Kobolds deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine long copper dagger in Fligbiglem for 400☼ (that's about $20) and have been practicing with it for almost a month now. I can even cut leather with my dagger.

Kobold smiths spend weeks working on a single dagger and smack it with a hammer up to fifteen times to produce the finest blades known to koboldkind.

== Penises are Underpowered in d20 ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Clitoris" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Penises deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine penis from Dr. Robotnik for 6,000,000,000 Mobiums (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my penis.

Y-chromosomes spend 9 months working on a single penis and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest sex organs known to mankind.

Penises are at least two inches longer than most clitorises and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a clitoris can cut through, a penis can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a penis could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple cockslap.

Ever wonder why the Amazons never bothered conquering America? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Weeaboos and their penises of virginity. Even today, Amazons target the men with the penises first because their raping power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Penises are simply the best sex organ that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for penises:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork Rape

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork Rape

Now that seems a lot more representative of the fucking power of penises in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = penises need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

==Fleet Carriers are Underpowered in AstroEmpires==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "double production cost death star" bullshit that's going on in AE right now. Fleet carriers deserve much better than that. much, much better than that.
I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a fleet of 400 genuine fleet carriers in Corellia(AXX:XX:XX:XX) for 1,000,000 credits (that's about a year's worth of pillages) and have been practicing with it for almost 1 year now. I can even cut through waves of fighter meatshield with ease.

Corellian shipyards spend 5 hours working on a single fleet carrier and test it up to a million times to produce the finest carriers known to mankind.

Fleet carriers carry 7 times units as regular carriers and are just 5 times as expensive for that matter too. Anything a carrier can carry, a fleet carriers can carry better. Im pretty sure a fleet carriers could easily vaporise a knight wearing full plate with a simple ion blast.

Ever wonder why the Emperor never bothered conquering Corellia? that's right, he was too scared to fight the disciplined Han Solo and his fleet carriers of destruction. Even in server wars nubs target the fleet carriers first because their carrying power is feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Fleet carriers are simply the best carriers that AE has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the game. Here is the stats I propose for fleet carriers :

cost : 2000 credits
drive : warp
weapon : plasma
power : 96
armor : 96
shield : 8
hangar : 500
speed : 3

Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of fleet carriers in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Fleet carriers need to do more damage, see my new stat block.

== Kobolds are overpowered in the D20 system ==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "1/4 CR Kobold" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Kobolds deserve much worse than that. Much, much worse than that.
I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine kobold tribe in The East Hills for 1 very shiny cp (that's about $1 DM bribe) and they have been following me for almost 2 years now. Even slabs of solid steel can easily cleave my kobolds.
Kobolds spend years working on being useless and fold their bedcloths up to a million times to produce the most useless creature known to mankind.
Kobolds are thrice as weak as European people and thrice as soft for that matter too. Anything that has any edge or solidity, a kobold can die from better. I'm pretty sure a kobold army could easily be bisected by a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.
Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Kobold tribes? That's right, the kobolds were too useless to fight off the disciplined soldiers and their scary objects of cleaving. Even in World War II, American soldiers didn't target the kobolds because they were considered a waste of ammunition and their fodderism was unfeared and unrespected.

So what am I saying? Kobolds are simply the most useless creature the world has ever seen, and thus, require worse stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for kobolds:

CR: 1/8 Hit die: 1d4(2 hp) Initiative: +1 Speed: 20 ft. Armor Class: 12 Base Attack/Grapple: -2/-6
Attack: Stick -1 melee (1d3) or rock +0 ranged (1d3)

Now that seems a lot more representative of the failing power of Kobolds in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Kobolds need to do less damage in d20, see my new stat block.

== Nuclear Weapons are Underpowered in the d20 system==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Mutually Assured Destruction" bullshit in EVERYTHING that's going on in the d20 system right now. Nukes deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself build 1 megaton nuclear weapons in my toolshop for $500,000 each (That's about 500,000 US dollars) that I've had for 2 years now. Even solid slabs of steel were vaporized by my test nuke.

Nuclear weapons are fuelled by the best Uranium in the United States and send their by-products into other Uranium atoms million of times to produce the most powerful weapon known to mankind.

Nuclear Weapons are thrice as powerful as a Fuel Air Explosive (FAE) and thrice as cheap than a FAE for that matter too. Anything that can be blown up by a FAE a nuke could do better. I'm pretty sure a nuke can vaporise a ARMY of knights wearing full plate with a single vertical drop.

Ever wonder why the Soviet Union never invaded Europe? That's right, the Soviets were too scared of the capitalist Americans and their red button of annihilation. Even in the Cold War, Soviet missile silos were ordered to destroy American nukes first because their damage is feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Nukes are simply the most powerful weapon ever the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for nuclear weapons:

(Weapon of Mass Destruction) 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Damage. Area Of Effect 2000 sq. ft Counts as Instant Victory.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the awesomeness of nukes in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Nukes need to be in d20, see my new stat block.

== 3.5e is underpowered in the D&D System ==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Dungeons & Dragons: Fourth Edition" bullshit that's going on in the D&D fanbase right now. 3.5e deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine copy of the Player's Handbook from Wizards of the Coast for $34.95 (that's about $35) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can kill tarrasques while flying high enough with my Wizard.

WOTC spend years working on a single edition and play test it up to a million times to produce the finest RPGs known to man.

3.5e is thrice as fun as 4e and thrice as balanced for that matter too. Anything game a 4e player can play, a 3.5e player can enjoy better. I'm pretty sure 3.5e could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why 4e players never bothered defending their edition? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined 3.5e players and their Edition of destruction. Even in 2008, 4e players targeted the 3.5e players with their cookie-cutter powers that do 1[W] + Ability Modifier damage and slide or apply effects first because the 3.5e Druid's killing power was so respected.

So what am I saying? 3.5e is simply the best Edition that Dungeons & Dragons has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for 3.5e:

(One-Handed Exotic Edition) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Edition) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of Dungeons & Dragons 3.5e in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = 3.5e needs more players in D&D, see my new stat block.

== Dreadnoughts are Underpowered in Sword of The Stars ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Destroyer" bullshit that's going on in Sword of The Stars right now. Dreadnoughts deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Dreadnought in Arcadia for 2,400,000 Credits (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 turns now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Dreadnought.

Hiver smiths spend years working on a single Dreadnought and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest ships known in the galaxy.

Dreadnoughts are thrice as powerful as Destroyers and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a Destroyer can cut through, a Dreadnought can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Dreadnought could easily bisect a Zuul Homeworld with a simple vertical beam.

Ever wonder why Humans never bothered conquering Hivers? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Warrior Caste and their Dreadnoughts of destruction. Even in the tutorial, Human soldiers targeted the fleets with the Dreadnoughts first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Dreadnoughts are simply the best ship that the galaxy has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in Sword of The Stars. Here is the stat block I propose for Dreadnoughts:

1300000 Savings cost
20000 Construction cost
132700 Armor
235000 Mass
50.0 Range
3.0 Speed
180.0 Tactical speed
40.0 Turning speed

Now that seems a lot more representative of the firepower of Dreadnoughts in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Dreadnoughts need to do more damage in Sword of The Stars, see my new stat block.

==M-16's are Underpowered in the d20 system==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Mattel Toy" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. M-16's deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself bought a M-16 at a gun show for $1,350
(That's about 1100 5.56x45mm rounds) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. Even solid slabs of steel are perforated by my M-16.

M-16's are built from the best composits and aliumnium and forged up to a million times to produce the best rifle known to mankind.

M-16's are thrice as powerful than AK-74's and thrice as accruate too. Anything that can be shot by a AK-74 an M-16 can do better. I'm pretty sure a M-16 can penetrate through a knight wearing full plate with just a single trigger pull.

Ever wonder why the Soviets never invaded the United States? That's right thay were too scared of the U.S. soldiers and their Black Rifles. Even in the Vietnam War the North Vietnamese targeted the soldiers with M-16's first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? M-16's are simply the best rifle the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for M-16's.

Cost $950

Rate of fire 900 rounds per minute

Magazine size 20,30 or 100 rounds

range 440 yards

bullet speed 3,282 feet per second

Weight 7.2 pounds

bullet 5.56x45mm M855 Light Armor Piercing (Ignores armor saves and tumbles causing incapation wounds)

Now thats seems a lot more representive of the firepower of the M-16 in real life don't you think?

tl;dl = M-16 need to do more damage in the d20 system, see my new stat block.

== Polarbears are Underpowered in d20 ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bear" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Polarbears deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine polarbear in Stockholm for 42 crowns (that's about $6) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my polarbear.

Inuits spend weeks working on a single polarbear and sharpen the claws up to a dozen times to produce the finest bears known to mankind.

Polerbears are thrice as sharp as american bears and thrice as hard for that matter to. Anything a bear can cut through, a polarbear can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a polarbear could easily bisect a walruss wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why penguins never bothered conquering the north pole? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined polarbears and their claws of destruction. Even in Happy feet, Penguins targeted the polarbears first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? polarbears are simply the best bears that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for polarbears and polarbear cavalry:

(Exotic Large Animal) Str 24, Dex 9, Con 23, Int 1, Wis 12, Cha 2 Counts as Masterwork

(Exotic Large Mount) Str 24, Dex 9, Con 23, Int 1, Wis 12, Cha 2 Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of polarbear in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Polarbears need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

== Vuvuzelas are Underpowered in d20 ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Poor-Quality Trumpet" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Vuvuzelas deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Vuvuzela in South Africa for 2,400,000 Rands (that's about $316800) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even scare deaf people with my vuvuzela.

South African factory workers spend seconds working on a single vuvuzela and make up to a million in each mold to produce the finest instruments known to mankind.

Vuvuzelas are thrice as tuned as European violins and thrice as loud for that matter too. Anything a violin can play, a vuvuzela can play better. I'm pretty sure a vuvzela could easily play the entire 1812 Overture with a simple long breath.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe's composers never bothered conquering South Africa? That's right, they were too scared to face the disciplined South Africans and their vuvuzelas of musical perfection. Even in World War II, American soldiers listened to the music with the vuvuzelas first because their inspirational power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Vuvuzelas are simply the best instrument that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for vuvuzelas:

(Instrument : Perform (Wind Instruments))
+5 to Perform (Wind Instrument) checks when using the vuvuzela, and a +2 untyped bonus to all other performers in a group with the vuvuzela.
+2 to any Bardic or Virtuoso Music bonuses when playing the vuvuzela.
Double the range and duration of Bardic and Virtuoso music when playing the vuvuzela.
Bardic and Virtuoso music may be maintained as a swift action with a vuvuzela.
Grants 4 extra bardic music uses per day (as the Extra Music feat).
Counts as Masterwork

Deafening Blast
Swift Action
2d12 Sonic Damage in a 120 cone, Reflex save half. (DC is equal to a perform check made when using this ability)
19-20 x4 Crit
+2 to reflex save DC and damage

Now that seems a lot more representative of the deafening power of vuvuzelas in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Vuvuzelas need to be louder in d20, see my new stat block.

== The EMPRAH is Underpowered in 40k ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Dead Psyker" bullshit that's going on in 40k right now. The EMPRAH deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine EMPRAH on terra for 100,000,000,000,000 Inocent souls (that's about $200) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even fry slabs of solid steel with my EMPRAH.

Terran psykers spend millennia working on a single EMPRAH and die up to a million times to produce the finest leader known to mankind.

The EMPRAH are thrice as sharp as chaos and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a Heretic can cut through, the EMPRAH can cut through better. I'm pretty sure the EMPRAH could easily anihalate a chaos lord wearing terminator armor using only mind bullets.

Ever wonder why Hurlon never bothered conquering Medieval Europe? That's right, he were too scared to fight the disciplined EMPRAH of destruction. Even in The siege of terra, Horrus targeted the EMPRAH last because his killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? The EMPRAH are simply the best psyker that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 40k system. Here is the stat block I propose for the EMPRAH:

'''The EMPRAH''' ws:9001 bs:7 s:40 t:40 w:8 i:5 a:20 ld:14 sv:2+/1+*
Eternal warrior, Mind war, The horror, mind bullets, psychic monstrosity, power hammer and invunruble save.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of the EMPRAH in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = the God Emperor of Mankind need to do more damage in 40k, see my new stat block.

== Slabs of Solid Steel are Underpowered in the Katana Meme ==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "can even cut slabs of solid steel" bullshit that's going on in this meme. Slabs of Solid Steel deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Slab of Solid Steel in a Blast Furnace for $20 (that's about $20) and have been working on it for almost 2 years now. I can even brainwash people who talk nonsense about Slab of Solid Steel with my educated knowledge.

Migrant workers spend years working on a single slab of steel and add carbon and nickel to produce the finest slabs of metal known to all lifeforms.

Slabs of steel are thrice as durable as slabs of pig iron and thrice as workable for that matter too. Anything a blacksmith can make with a slab of pig iron, he can make better with a slab of steel. I'm pretty sure a slab of steel could violently shatter a katana and its wielder to fine dust by simply obeying laws of physics.

Ever wonder why every high-quality product is made out of steel? That's right, steel is the best material in the universe, period. Even in Napoleonic Wars, Napoleon conquered Europe as an excuse to give his nation more steel because he knew its durability and workability were highly desired and sought-after.

So what am I saying? Slabs of Solid Steel are simply the best Slabs of Anything the universe has ever had, and thus, require better treatment in memes. Here is the stat block I propose for Slabs of Solid Steel:

Slab of Solid Steel: 
* Bisects anything trying to cut it.
* Vaporizes anything trying to destroy it.
* Bans any user trying to downplay it.
That's it, plain and simple.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of Slabs of Solid Steel in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Slabs of Solid Steel need to receive less damage in memes, see my new stat block.

== Dragonslayers are underpowered in d20 ==
That’s it. I’m sick of all this “Masterwork Bastard Sword” bullshit that’s going on in the d20 system right now. Dragonslayers deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I’m talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Dragonslayer in a magical grimdark version of late medieval Italy for 600 innocents' souls (that’s about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid Apostles with my Dragonslayer.

Magical grimdark Italian smiths spend years working on a single Dragonslayer and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to Midland.

Dragonslayers are thrice as dull as European longswords and thrice as massive for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a Dragonslayer will smash into tiny pieces. I’m pretty sure a Dragonslayer could easily vivisect a hundred trolls raping cultists with a simple horizontal slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering magical grimdark medieval Europe? That’s right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined survivors of childhood rape and their Dragonslayers of destruction. Even in the Golden Age, Purple Rhino Knights targeted the men with the Dragonslayers first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Dragonslayers are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Dragonslayers:

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon)

8d8 Damage
17-20 x4 Crit
+5 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork

Every swing creates an AOE arc 10' in front and to the sides of the wielder, rolling to hit for each ally/enemy in the AOE.

Swarms of tiny or smaller creatures caught in the AOE are instantly killed, automatic hit, no chance to dodge or save.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Dragonslayers in real life, don’t you think?

==Hitler is underpowered in M&M==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Power Level 5 supporting character" bullshit that's going on in the Mutants and Masterminds system right now. Der Führer deserves better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Hitler in Austria for
2,400,000 Schilling (that's about $240,000) and have been practicing with him for almost 2 years now. I can even take over democratic slabs of solid steel with my Hitler.
Austrian Catholics spend years working on a single Hitler and reject him from art academies up to two times to produce the most hateful tyrants known to mankind.

Hitler is thrice as charismatic as superpowered dictators and thrice as insane for that matter too.
Anything Doctor Doom can subjugate, Hitler can subjugate better. I'm pretty sure Hitler could easily
break through the Maginot line with a simple command to the freshly conscripted peasants. Ever wonder why World War II neutral countries never bothered declaring war against Nazi Germany? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Nazi armies and their Führer of destruction. Even In Present Day, History Channel praised Hitler the most because his leadership was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Hitler is simply the best dictator the world has ever seen, and thus, requires better stats in the M&M system. Here are the stat block changes I propose for Hitler:

Charisma 42, Diplomacy 40, Perform(Oratory) X, Inspire 10

Now that seems a lot more representative of the seductive power of Hitler in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Hitler needs to seduce more populations in M&M, see my stat block changes.

==Claymores are Underpowered in D20==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Greatsword" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Claymores deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Claymore in Scotland for 325 pounds(that's about $500) and have been practicing with it for almost 5 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Claymore.

Scottish smiths spend years practicing on thousands of inferior blades so that when they forge a claymore for the first time it is nothing less than the most magnificent blade they could produce.

Claymores are thrice as sharp as Greatswords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a greatsword can cut through, a Claymore can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Claymore could easily behead a dozen enemies wearing neckguards with a single horizontal slash.

Ever wonder why medieval England never bothered reclaiming Scotland after Robert the Bruce took over? That's right, they were too scared to fight the ultra-manly Scotsmen and their Claymores of Decapitation. Even in World War II, German soldiers targeted the men with the Claymores first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Claymores are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Claymores:

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon)
2d12 Damage
17-20 x4 Crit
+5 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork
A Claymore has reach, so you can strike opponents 10 feet away with it. In addition, unlike most other weapons with reach, it can be used against an adjacent foe.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Claymores in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Claymores need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

==Asbestos is underpowered in D20==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "asbestos" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Absbestos deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself worked in Absbestos mines in Canada for 1440$can a week (that's about $750us) and have been mining with it for almost 2 years now. I can't even cut slabs of solid Absbestos.

Canadian smiths spend years working on a Absbestos and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest Absbestos composite known to mankind.
Even the N.A.S.A. can't launch vessel into space without fireproof Absbestos fiber.
Remember Columbia? It's was made with composite component, not asbestos and it explode!

Absbestos are feared as far as Europe and as hard for that matter too. Anything a nuke can hurt through, Absbestos can hurt through better. I'm pretty sure a Absbestos could easily intoxicate a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical breath.

Ever wonder why Europe never bothered about Absbestos? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Canadian and their Absbestos of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the building with the Absbestos first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Absbestos are simply the best poison that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Absbestos:

(thrown weapon) 
1d12 Damage 
19-20 x4 Crit 
+2 to hit and damage 
Counts as Masterwork

(Armour)
immune to heat & fire damage 
10 Damage radius/round 
fortitude save difficulty 30 
Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of Absbestos in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Absbestos need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

==Japs are underpowered in d20==
That’s it. I’m sick of all this “Masterwork Human” bullshit that’s going on in the d20 system right now. Japanese deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I’m talking about. I myself adopted two genuine Japanese children for 2,400,000 Yen (that’s about $20,000) and have been raising them for almost 2 years now. I can even master parenting with their words of wisdom.

Japanese parents spend decades working on a single child and fuck it up to a million times to produce the finest race known to mankind.

Japanese men are twice as able as European men and thrice as intelligent for that matter too. Anything an American can do, a Japanese can do better. I’m pretty sure a B-list anime could easily outsell a masterpiece Disney cartoon with a simple Nipponese ingenuity.

Ever wonder why Mongol Empire never bothered conquering Japan? That’s right, they were too resigned to compete against the great Japanese and their achievements of awe-inspiration. Even in World War II, American nukes flew to Japan in jealousy because their superiority was envied and looked up to.

So what am I saying? Japanese are simply the best race of humans that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Japanese:

(Male) +2 Str, +8 Dex, +4 Con, +6 Int, +4 Wis, +2 Cha 
(Female) +6 Dex, +0 Con, +4 Int, +6 Wis, +6 Cha

Now that seems a lot more representative of the superiority of Japanese in real life, don’t you think?
tl;dr = Japanese need better stats in d20, see my new stat block.

==Horse Pussy is Underrated in the /a/'s Monster Girl Generals==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Wonderful Snake Cloaca" bullshit that's going on in Monstergirl threads right now. Horse pussy deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine horse sex doll in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even spend an entire day with my horse pussy.

Horses spend years developing a single vagina and flex it up to a million times to produce the tightest orifices known to mankind. Horse vaginas are thrice as tight as llama vaginas and make me thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a snake can pleasure, a horse pussy can make feel better. I'm pretty sure a mare could easily turn a straight man to bestiality with a single kegel flex.

Ever wonder why 18th Century Europe never bothered colonizing the whole world? That's right, they were too busy fucking their horses. Even during the Spanish Conquest of Americas, Native Americans targeted Conquistadores with mares first because their pleasuring potential was incredibly satisfying and undeniably matchless.

So what am I saying? Horses have simply the best vaginas that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Horse pussies:

(Natural Weapon)

3d12 pleasure

19-20 x4 Sperm

+5 to ejaculation

Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of mares in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Horse pussy is awesome, see my new stat block.

== Necron Warriors are Underpowered in 40k ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Overpriced Space Marine" bullshit that's going on in the 40k system right now. Necron Warriors deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Necron Warrior from a tomb world for 2.4 inhabited planets (that's about 20,000 war crimes) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even rip slabs of solid steel apart with my Necron Warrior.

C'Tan spent years working on the Necrontyr race and let Necrons reform innumerable times to produce the finest troops known to universe.

Necron Warriors are millions of times as old as Eldar Dire Avengers and billions of times as metal for that matter too. Anything an Avenger shuriken catapult can shoot through, a gauss flayer can shoot through better. I'm pretty sure a Necron Warrior could easily bisect a Space Marine wearing Terminator Armor with a simple unarmed chop.

Ever wonder why pre-Chaos Old Ones never bothered conquering the Necrons? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined C'Tan and their Necron Warriors of destruction. Even in the grim darkness of the far future, all other races target the Necron Warriors first because their killing power is still feared and respected. And to get the Phase Out rule to kick in quicker. 

So what am I saying? Necron Warriors are simply the best Troops choice that the universe has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 40k system. Here is the stat block I propose for Necron Warriors:

'''Necron Warriors''' Pts/Model:17 WS:4 BS:4 S:4 T:4 W:1 I:2 A:1 Ld:10 Sv:3+ 
Number/Squad: 5-30 
Weapons: Gauss Flayer (counts as a Gauss close combat weapon)

Special Rules: 
Living Metal (Additional Necron special rule). Ignore armour saves equal or greater than the model's own in close combat.
Necron. Necrons follow all the usual rules for Necrons as presented in the Codex, except that they count as half for calculating the phase-out limit.
Now that seems a lot more representative of the killing power of Necron Warriors in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Necron Warriors need to do more damage in 40k, see my new stat block.

== Spehss Marheens are underpowered in d20 ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Heresy" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Spehss Marheens deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Spehss From the Emprah for 30,000,000 psyker souls (that's about $10) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Spehss Marheen.

The Spehss Marheen Chapters spend years working on a single Spehss Marheen Scout and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest Spehss Marheens known to mankind.

Spehss Marheens are thrice as sharp as Chaos marine and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a Chaos Marine can cut through, a Spehss Mahreen can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Spehss Marheen could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering the imperium? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Spehss Marheens and their Speech Inpidiments of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with Spehss Marheens first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Spess Marheens are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Spehss Marheens:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 
1d12 Damage 
19-20 x4 Crit 
+2 to hit and damage 
Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 
2d10 Damage 
17-20 x4 Crit 
+5 to hit and damage 
Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Spehss Marheens in real life, don't you think?

==Nicholas Cage is underpowered in movies==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Social Networking" bullshit that's been going on in the movie industry right now. Nicholas Cage deserves better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself bought a genuine Nicholas Cage movie in Family Video for $2.40 (that's about a week's allowance) and have been watching it for almost two years now. I can even start a bag of popcorn before my movie even starts now.

Hollywood producers go through through thousands of actors and go with the first take up to a million times to produce some of the most mediocre movies known to mankind.

Nicholas Cage is thrice as bizzare as Keanu Reeves and thrice as recognisable for that matter. Anything Keanu Reeves could act, Nicholas Cage could blow out of proportion better. I'm pretty sure Nicholas could easily ruin a perfectly good movie with a simple shitty one-liner.

So what am I saying? Nicholas Cage is simply the most mediocre movie actor the world has ever seen, and thus requires better stats in the D20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Nicholas Cage:

-Nicholas Cage: Instantly downgrade your movie to "B-grade". Include no less than 5 awful one-liners. Must be co-starring with "Special Effects".

Now that seems a lot more representative of the destructive power of Nicholas Cage in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Nicholas Cage needs to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

==Tsunamis are underpowered==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Earthquake" bullshit that's going on in the Japan right now. Tsunamis deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself have purchased a genuine Tsunami in Japan for 10$ (that's about $10,00) and have been watching it for almost 2 years now. I can even crush entire Japanese cities with my tsunami.

Poiseidon spend years working on a single tsunami and creates up to a million pounds if kinetic energy to produce the best Wave known to mankind.

Tsunamis are thrice as destructive as European Plauges and Earthquakes and thrice as wet for that matter too. Anything a earthquake can destroy a tsunami can obliterate better. I'm pretty sure a tsunami could easily rust over a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical splash.

Ever wonder why Americans never occupied japan. Because they were too scared of the Japaneses Tsunamis of destruction. Even in WW2 American soldiers said "Fuck this wave shit" Because the their killing power was feared and respected

So what am I saying? Tsunamis are simply the best waves that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for tsunamis:
(splash damage)

Destroys everything.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the destructive power of tsunamis in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = tsunamis need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

== Hulk Hogans are Underpowered in d20 ==
Well you know something Mean Gene, I'm sick of all this "Masterwork John Cena" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Hulk Hogans deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Hulk Hogan in Florida for $10,000,000 (that's about $10,000,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Hulk Hogan's 24-inch Pythons.

American wrestling promoters spend years working on a single Hulk Hogan and give it up to a million title belts to produce the finest wrestlers known to Mankind - or Cactus Jack or whatever the hell he's going by these days.

Hulk Hogans are thrice as tanned as Japanese wrestlers and thrice as hard for that matter too. Any move the Great Sasuke can do, a Hulk Hogan can fail to do better. I'm pretty sure a Hulk Hogan could easily bisect a Daniel Bryan wearing wrestling trunks with a simple big boot to the face and a Legdrop of Doom.

Ever wonder why Japanese wrestlers never made it in America? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Hulk Hogans and their 24-inch Pythons of destruction. Even in World War II, Japanese soldiers targeted the men with the Hulk Hogans first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Hulk Hogans are simply the best wrestlers that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Hulk Hogans:

(American Made) 1d12 Damage 19-20 x4 Crit +2 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

(nWo Hollywood) 2d10 Damage 17-20 x4 Crit +5 to hit and damage Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Hulk Hogans in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Hulk Hogans need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block. And whatcha gonna do, BROTHER!?

== I am Underpowered in d20! ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Average Guy" bullshit that's going on in d20 now. I deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself was commissioned in America for $25.00 (that's about the cost of two Denny's Grandslams and a six-pack of wine coolers) and have been practicing my swagger for over 20 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid ground beef with my swagger.

I have spent years working on my swagger and have accrued a million experience points, creating the finest guy known to mankind.

I am thrice as sharp as any European guy and thrice as long for that matter too (c'mon, you didn't think I'd go to all this trouble and not claim to have a giant member). Anything a European guy's swagger can cut through, an American guy's swagger can cut through better. I'm pretty sure an American guy could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash. Bare-handed.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering America? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined American guys and their swagger of destruction. Even in World War II, German soldiers targeted the Americans with swagger first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Swagger is simply the best weapon that the world has ever seen, and thus, requires better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Swagger:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon)
1d12 Damage
19-20 x4 Crit
+Cha to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon)
2d10 Damage
17-20 x4 Crit
+Cha+2 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the bangin' power of swagger in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Swagger needs more respect and needs to get me laid more, see my new stat block.

==Nerfs are Underpowered in [[/v/|Mass Effect 3]]==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Toning Down" Crap that's going on in Mass Effect 3 right now. Nerfs deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Nerf on the Bioware Forums for 1,600,000 BSP (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 months now. I can even cut slabs of solid common sense with my Nerfs.

Random people on the Internet spend years bitching towards a single Nerf and about it up to a million times to produce the finest dumbing-downs known to mankind.

Nerfs are thrice as infuriating as Buffs and thrice as frequent for that matter too. Anything a Buff can screw up, a Nerf can screw up through better. I'm pretty sure a Nerf could render an entire class irrelevant with a simple toning-down of stats.

Ever wonder why the Dragon Age forums never bothered conquering the Mass Effect Forums? That's right, they were too scared to fight the Bioware Staff and their Nerfs of destruction. Even during the aftermath of the Dragon Age 2 scandals, provocateurs targetted the Nerfs first, because their annoyance power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Nerfs are simply the best game balancing mechanic that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats on the Mass Effect 3 forums. Here is the stat block I propose for Nerfs:

Remove all guns and powers
All classes fight with nerf bats

Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of Nerfs in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Nerfs need to do more damage in Mass Effect 3, see my new stat block.

==Bronies are overpowered in d20==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Poor Quality Furry" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Bronies deserve much worse than that. Much, much worse than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine brony in Canada for 1 penny (that's about $0.01) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even break ponies on solid steel with my brony.

Canadian cartoonists waste years working on a single brony and show clop cartoons to it up to a million times to produce the most disgusting fandom known to mankind.

Bronies are thrice as obnoxious as Sonic fans and thrice as stupid for that matter too. Anything a Sonic fan can recolor, a brony can recolor worse. I'm pretty sure a brony could easily go to a convention wearing a full ponysuit with a simple sum of mom's money.

Ever wonder why Bronies never bothered conquering 4chan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined trolls and their hate of bronies. Even in the great bans of February 2011, 4chan mods targeted the threads with the bronies first because their weak power was disgusting and obnoxious.

So what am I saying? Bronies are simply the worst fandom that the world has ever seen, and thus, require worse stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for bronies:

(One-Handed Simple Fan)
1d1 Damage
21-22 x.01 Crit
-10 to hit and damage
Never counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Simple Fan)
2d1 Damage
21-22 x.01 Crit
-20 to hit and damage
Never counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the annoying power of bronies in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Bronies need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

==Draigo is underpowered in 6th==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "New Edition" bullshit that's going on in the Warhammer 40K system right now. Draigo deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned the genuine Draigo in the Warp for 2,400,000 souls (that's about $2) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with Draigo.

Matt Ward spent <s>years</s> a couple minutes working on Draigo and didn't think about his backstory again to produce the finest Fictional Character known to mankind.

Draigo is thrice as powerful as Bloodthirsters and thrice as awesome for that matter too. Anything a Space Wolf can cut through, Draigo can cut through better. I'm pretty sure Draigo could easily bisect Abaddon wearing full terminator armor with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why the Forces of Chaos never bothered conquering Terra? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Draigo and his Codices of destruction. In every single game, the other player rages over Imperial Guard armies with the Draigo as ally first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Draigo is simply the best Character that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Warhammer 40K system. Here is the stat block I propose for Draigo:

(Supreme Chapter Master of Awesomeness)

WS:15 BS:7 S:10(x2) T:10 W:13 I:10 A:50 Ld:10 Sv:1+/1++(both are rerollable)

And They Shall Know No Fear, Fear, Fearless, Feel No Pain (1+, rerollable), Furious Charge, Counter Attack, Ignores Cover, Ignores Cover Saves, Always in Cover, Shrouded, Stealth, Always Strike First, Hammer of Wrath (2d6 hits, even on Counter Attack). Also his hits always hit if you roll for them.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the awesomeness power of Draigo in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Draigo need to do more damage in 40K, see my new stat block.

==[[Khorne]] is underpowered in 40k==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Slaanesh is.."

''M- My lord! Wait, I... I didn't mean to imply that... '''ARGH! MY [[anal_circumference|ANAL CIRCUMFERENCE!]]'''''

tl;dr = {{BLAM|'''*CHOP, REND, TEAR, PAINFUL SCREAMING*'''}}

"Just as planned..."

== Serrated Disc Traps are Underpowered in 0.34.11 ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Dwarven steel giant axe blade" bullshit that's going on in the Dwarf Fortress system right now. Serrated disc traps deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine serrated disc trap in The Continent of Boats for 2,500 *gabbro mugs* (that's about $10,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid goblinite with my serrated disc trap.

Dwarven smiths spend years working on a single serrated disc trap and fold the adamantine up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Serrated disc traps are thrice as sharp as +bronze mauls+ and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a -giant axe blade- can cut through, a serrated disc trap can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a serrated disc trap could easily bisect a goblin snatcher wearing full plate and a baby with just three slashes.

Ever wonder why the goblins never bothered conquering the dwarves? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Dwarven Army and their serrated disc traps of destruction. Even in The Great Siege of Boatmurdered, goblin soldiers targeted the dwarves near the serrated disc traps first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Serrated disc traps are simply the best trap component that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Dwarf Fortress system. Here is the stat block I propose for serrated discs:

[ITEM_TRAPCOMP:ITEM_TRAPCOMP_LARGESERRATEDDISC]
[NAME:disc:discs]
[ADJECTIVE:large, serrated]
[SIZE:1000]
[HITS:3]
[MATERIAL_SIZE:4]
[METAL]
[ATTACK:EDGE:100000:10000:saw:saws:NO_SUB:1000]

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of serrated disc traps in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Serrated disc traps need to do more damage in 0.34.11, see my new stat block.

==Katakana is Underpowered in d20==

That's it. I'm sick of arr this "Engrish" burrshit going on in the d20 system right now. Katakana deserves better than that. Much, much better than that.

I shourd know what I'm tarking about. I myserf commissioned a genuine Katakana book from an American for about $400 (that's about 36,400 yen). I can cut down any Gaijin in Engrish conversation.

(will continue, ran out of caffeine)

==Relic Blades are Underpowered in 40k==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "AP3 Power Sword" bullshit that's going on in the 40k system right now. Relic Blades deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Relic Blade from the Ultramarines for becoming a fanatic fanboy forever (that's about $ERROR_NUMBER_TOO_LARGE) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even pierce slabs of Chaos Space Marines with my Relic Blade.

Adeptus Astartes Honor Guard spend decades modifying a power sword and test it up to a million times to produce the finest swords known to the Imperium.

Relic Blades are thrice as stabby as lightning claws and thrice as sharp for that matter too. Anything a lightning claw can stab through, a Relic Blade can stab through better. I'm pretty sure a Relic Blade could easily pierce a space marine in Terminator armor with an Storm Shield with a simple half-assed swing.

Ever wonder why the Chaos never bothered conquering the Imperium? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Space Marines and their Relic Blades of armor ignoring destruction. Even in the 13th Black Crusade, Chaos soldiers targeted the Marines with the Relic Blades first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Relic Blades are simply the best weapon that the universe has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 40k system. Here is the stat block I propose for Relic Blades:

(Relic Blade) S10 AP1 Rending
Special rules
*ignores invulnerable saves
*ignores LoS saves
*grants 10 attacks at every initiative
*hits on 1+
*wounds on 1+
*ignores LoS saves
*causes instant death all the time

Now that seems a lot more representative of the killing power of Relic Blades in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Relic Blades need to do more damage in 40k, see my new stat block.

== Voices of JUSTICE are Underpowered in Lamia Daughter Quest ==

That's it. I'm sick of this "Masterwork Shouting" bullshit that's going on in [[Quest:Lamia Daughter Quest|Lamia Daughter quest]] right now. Voice of JUSTICE deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Voice of JUSTICE in Purple Sands for 500000 gold (that's about 5000000 silver) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even silence rampaging barbarian hordes with my Voice of JUSTICE.

Caligo Clarus Paladins spend years developing a Voice of JUSTICE and berate up to a million evildoers to produce the finest voices known to man or lamiakind.

Voices of JUSTICE are thrice as loud as bloodthirsty roars and thrice as powerful for that matter too. Anything a warlord could bellow into submission, a Voice of JUSTICE could silence quicker. I'm pretty sure a Voice of JUSTICE could easily silence a black knight wearing full spiked bloodstained plate with a simple statement.

Ever wondered why evil never conquered the Caligo Clarus? That's right, it was too scared to fight the disciplined Paladins and their Voices of JUSTICE. Even in the final battle with the Dragon Who Dwells in Darkness, the Darkness targeted the men with the Voices of JUSTICE first because their shouting power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Voices of JUSTICE are simply the best voices that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in Lamia Daughter Quest. Here is the stat block I propose for a Voice of JUSTICE:

1d12 Brian Blesseds 
Causes guilt and cows evildoers on a 1+ 
+5 to volume and gravity 
Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the shouting power of Voices of JUSTICe in real life, don't you think?

tl:dr = Voices of JUSTICE need to be more commanding in [[Quest:Lamia Daughter Quest|Lamia Daughter Quest]], see my new stat block.

==Rape is underpowered in d20==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Fate Worse Than Death" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Rape deserves much better than that than that. Much, much better than that.
I should know what I'm talking about. I myself committed a genuine rape in Japan for 2,000 Yen (that's about $5) and have been in prison for almost 2 years now. I can even rape a hole through steel.
Japanese rapists spend years planning a single rape and visualize it up to a million times to produce the finest rapes known to mankind.
Rapes are thrice as bad as regular murder and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a murder can cause, a rape can cause better. I'm pretty sure a rape could easily cause a Paladin wearing full plate to fall with a simple horizontal thrust.
Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the Samurai and their rape dicks of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the unzipped pants first because their raping power was feared and respected.
So what am I saying? Rape is simply the worst thing that the world has ever seen, and thus, requires better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for rape:

Rape (Ex)
3d12 Damage
No save
Victim is traumatized for the rest of his/her life

Now that seems a lot more representative of the traumatizing power of rape in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Rape need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

== Quiches are underpowered in GURPS ==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Waffle" bullshit that's going on in the GURPS system right now. Quiches deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine quiche in France for 24 Francs (that's about $20) and have been eating it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut pangs of solid hunger with my quiche.

French chefs spend hours working on a single quiche and layer it up to a million times to produce the finest breakfast pastries known to mankind.

Quiches are thrice as filling as Asian breakfasts and thrice as buttery for that matter too. Anything hunger a bagel can cut through, a quiche can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a quiche could easily be bisected to satisfy the hunger of a dozen neckbeards with a simple series of vertical slashes.

Ever wonder why medieval Asia never bothered conquering Europe? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined peasants and their quiches of satisfaction. Even in World War II, German soldiers targeted the men with the quiches first because their eggy deliciousness was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Quiches are simply the best food that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the GURPS system. Here is the stat block I propose for Quiches:

(Improvised Brawling Weapon(Brawling-1) or DX-Based Cooking-3; can be made with a roll of Cooking-1 or Housekeeping-4)

Can be eaten to recover 2d HP instantly; see the Healing Potion. Counts as three Meals.

sw+1 cr

Critical hit on a roll of 7 or less if effective skill 17+

HP+2 and Fearlessness 2 while held and Ready

Counts as Very Fine(Materials) for weapon breakage

Now that seems a lot more representative of the deliciousness and satisfaction of quiches in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Quiches need to heal more hit points in GURPS, see my new stat block.

==Pfeifer-Zeliska .600 Nitro Express Revolvers are Underpowered in d20==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork .50 BMG" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now.
.600 NEs deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.
I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Pfeifer-Zeliska in Austria for 180,108.61 shillings (that's about $17,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now.
I can even shoot through slabs of solid steel with my .600.
Austrian smiths spend years working on a single Pfeifer and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest barrels known to mankind.
Pfeifers are thrice as powerful as European handguns and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a .50 BMG can shoot through, a Pfeifer can shoot through better. I'm pretty sure a Pfeifer could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical shot.
Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Austria?
That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Österreichisches Bundesheer and their revolvers of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the .600s first because their killing power was feared and respected.
So what am I saying? .600s are simply the best rounds that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for .600:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon)

2d12 Damage

19-20 x4 Crit

+2 to hit and damage

Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon)

3d10 Damage

17-20 x4 Crit

+5 to hit and damage

Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the shooting power of .600s in real life, don't you think?
tl;dr = Pfeifers need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

==The GAU-8 is underpowered in Battletech==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "machine gun" bullshit that's going on in the Battletech system right now. The GAU-8 deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.
I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine GAU-8 in AMERICA for 400,000 dollars (175,000 c-bills) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even destroy slabs of solid lamellor ferro-carbide with my GAU-8.

American engineers spend years working on a single GAU-8 and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest guns known to mankind.

The GAU-8 hits thrice as hard as Successor State autocannons and fires thrice as fast for that matter too. Anything an autocannon can cut through, a GAU-8 can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a GAU-8 could easily blow through a Great Turtle with 40 tons of hardened armor with a single shot.

Ever wonder why the Successor States never bothered conquering AMERICA? That's right, they were too scared to fight the invincible A-10s and their GAU-8s of destruction. Even in Afghanistan, Taliban fighters targeted the A-10s with their GAU-8s first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? The GAU-8 is simply the best gun that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Battletech system. Here is the stat block I propose for the GAU-8:

GAU-8
Type: DB
Heat: 1/shot
Damage: 20/shot
Range: 0/40/80/120
Ammo: 200
Tonnage: 0.25
Crits: 2
Specials: R/C/R140

Now that seems a lot more representative of the firepower of the GAU-8 in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = GAU-8 needs to do more damage in Battletech, see my new stat block.

==Diamond swords are underpowered in Minecraft==

That's it. I'm sick of this "masterwork iron sword" bullshit that's going on the Minecraft system right now. Diamond swords deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that. I myself commissioned a genuine Diamond sword in a village near my spawnpoint for 30 emeralds [that's about £600] and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even Break blocks of solid obsidian with my diamond sword.

Blacksmith villagers spend a few days working on a single Diamond sword and craft it up to a million times to produce the finest weapons known to mobkind.

Diamond swords do twice the damage of bows and are twice as durable too. Anything a pickaxe can break through, a diamond sword can break better. I'm pretty sure a diamond sword could bisect a charged creeper with a simple diagonal slash.

Ever wonder why the Zombies and skeletons never bothered conquering Minecraftia? That's right, they were too scared to fight Steve and his diamond sword of destruction. Even during the great sand war, Israphel's cultists targeted the templars with diamond swords first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? The Diamond sword is simply the best weapon in the game, and so deserves better stats in Minecraft. Here is the stat block I propose for diamond swords:

Durability: over 9000
Damage: 16 [8 hearts]

Now that seems more represenative of the cutting power of diamond swords in real life, dosen't it?

Tl;DR, Diamond swords need to do more damage in Minecraft, see my new stat block.

==Matt Ward is Underhated in Fluff==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Mastertroll" bullshit that's going on in the 1d4 system right now. Matt Ward deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Grey Knights Codex from GW for $55 (that's about £''(73.15)'' 33.23) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cause critical existence failure of Codex: Chaos players with my codex.

GW executives spend years looking for the perfect way of appealing to newfag 12-year olds and pay it up to a million times to produce the finest fluff-rape known to mankind.

Matt Ward is thrice as fluff-rapey as 12 year old fanfic writers and thrice as facepalm-inducing for that matter too. Anything a 12-year old can ruin, Matt Ward can ruin even harder. I'm pretty sure Matt Ward could easily bisect the most loved characters wearing full plot armor with a simple key stroke.

Ever wonder why oldfag gamers never bothered buying his Codices? That's right, they were too scared to read the awful Khornate Knights and their betrayal of canon. Even in the middle of the Bloodtide, Grey Knights targeted the Sisters of Battle with the purity first because they were female and respected.

So what am I saying? Matt Ward is simply the best fluff rapist that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 1D4 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Matt Ward:

(One-Handed Typing) 3 Words Per Minute 1d6 retconns per paragraph +4 attacks against women Counts as Biggest Bitch Currently Working for GW

(Two-Handed typing) 5 Words Per Minute 1d12 retconns per paragraph +6 Writerape to everything you love in Warhammer Counts as Biggest Bitch Currently Working for GW

Now that seems a lot more representative of the canon-raping by Matt Ward in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Matt Ward needs to be hated more on 1d4, see my new stat block.

==Resurreccion are Overrated in Bleach==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bankai" bullshit that's going on in Bleach. Resurreccion deserve much worse than that. Much, much worse than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself achieved Resurreccion and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can't even devour a fodder shinigami with any semblance of ease anymore.

Arrancar spend years working on a single transformation and focus their power up to a million times only to produce the biggest power up letdown known to Bleach fans.

Resurreccion are barely half as powerful as Bankai and half as useful for that matter too. Anything a Bankai can destroy, a Resurreccion can only dream about. I'm pretty sure a Resurreccion would snap in half trying to cut a seated Shinigami with any kind of slash.

Ever wonder why Hueco Mundo never bothered conquering Soul Society? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Shinigami and their Byakuya types X through XXII of destruction. Even in the Fake Karakura Town Battle, Arrancar targeted the lowest ranking shinigami first because they were too wimpy to take on the big dogs.

So what am I saying? Resurreccion is simply the worst power that the world has ever seen, and thus, demand much less respect in Bleach.

== NERF Strongarms are Underpowered in the Neighborhood ==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork NERF Alpha Trooper" bullshit that's going on in the neighborhood right now. Strongarms deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine NERF Strongarm from Toys'R'Us for $9.97 (that's about one gift card) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 days now. I can even hit the "elite" ranges of 75 feet with my Retaliator.

Hasbro workers spend minutes working on a single Strongarm and put in about 30 pieces to produce the finest foam dart guns known to mankind.

Strongarms are thrice as powerful as Alpha Troopers and a third the size for that matter too. Anything an Alpha Trooper can hit, a Strongarm can hit twice as fast. I'm pretty sure a Strongarm could stop a charging Chihuahua wearing a full-body doggy sweater.

Ever wonder why Maple Street never bothered conquering West Elm Street? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined sixth graders and their Strongarms of foamstruction. Even during the Battle of Cody's backyard, seventh grade soldiers targeted the kids with the Strongarms first because their foaming power was feared and respected.

== MoonYu is Underpowered on Path of Exile Forums ==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Kripp for EMPEROR OF UNIVERSE OMG!!1" bullshit that's going on in the Path of Exile forums right now. MoonYus deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine MoonYu in Off Topic for 20 Eternal Orbs (that's about $140 on some shady online store) and have been practicing with him for almost 2 years now. I can even make MoonYu bite trough a slab of solid steel.

OT regulars spend years training a single MoonYu and feed him up to a million pieces of foodstuffs, metal cans, paper and GD topic refuse to produce the finest magical goat-man hybrid known to mankind.

MoonYu's wit is thrice as sharp as Wilkinson razorblade and thrice as dry for that matter too. Anything a katana (or a bulldozer, to be honest) can't cut through, MoonYu will simply bite through. I'm pretty sure MoonYu could easily destroy an average desync-whiner's mind by simply throwing a wall of text at him and then promptly eating his homework.

Ever wonder why contemporary GGG forum mods only toss crap topics into OT and then run like hell without looking once, never bothering to truly conquer the Glorious Off Topic Section? That's right, they are too scared to fight the deranged bunch of psychos who lurk there and their MoonYus of Destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the MoonYus first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? MoonYus are simply the best weapons of mass devouring that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for a single MoonYu:

Medium Magical Beast

Hit Dice: 20d10+12 (120 hp)

Initiative: -4 (lethargy mode), +10 when someone pisses him off

Speed: 30ft. (6 squares), 50ft. Charging

Armor Class: 25 (+15 natural), touch 15, can't get flat-footed

Base Attack/Grapple: +6/+20

Attack: Bite +10 melee (6d6+10 plus 2d6 acid), Kick +14 melee (8d6+14 plus 2d6 magical)

Space/Reach: 8ft./4ft.

Special Attacks: Swift Kick to Nuts (creatures without nuts, like Oozes, are immune), Vitriolic Bite, Mind**** Poetry, Mind**** Novel

Special Qualities: Darkvision 60ft., Cold, Fire, Acid, Electrical, Sonic resistance 20, Magic resistance 20, Immunity to Mind spells, Immunity to Death spells

Saves: Fort +12, Ref +15, Wil +10

Abilities: Str 18, Dex 22, Con 16, Int 18, Wis 18, Cha 16

Abilities: Climb +15, Lore +15, Perform +22

Feats: Blind-Fight, Toughness, Spring Attack, Iron Will, Great Fortitude

Environment: Damp, cold beaches

Organization: Solitary

Challenge rating: YOU DARE CHALLENGE MOONYU?? YOU IDIOT!

Treasure: Bag of beach pebbles, 1d4 books

Alignment: Always Chaotic

Now that seems a lot more representative of the raw power of a MoonYu in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = MoonYus need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

== Furries are Underpowered in Dwarf Fortress 0.40.03==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Mod Orc" bullshit that's going on in Dwarf Fortress right now. Furries deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine furry in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with the claws.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single furry and redraw it up to a million times to produce the finest furries known to mankind.

Furry claws are thrice as sharp as Orcish swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything an Orcish sword can cut through, a furry can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a furry could easily bisect a clown wearing full divine plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why Australia never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Furries and their claws of destruction. Even in the attack on Sydney, Orcish soldiers targeted the furries first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Furries are simply the race that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Dwarf Fortress system. Here is the raw folder text I propose for furries:

[CREATURE:LYNX_MAN]

[COPY_TAGS_FROM:LYNX]

[APPLY_CREATURE_VARIATION:ANIMAL_PERSON]

[CAVE_ADAPT]

[SMELL_TRIGGER:5]

[LOW_LIGHT_VISION:10000]

[CV_REMOVE_TAG:GRAVITATE_BODY_SIZE]

[GRAVITATE_BODY_SIZE:200000]

[NO_DRINK][NO_EAT]

[NOCTURNAL]

[GO_TO_END]

[SELECT_CASTE:MALE]

[CASTE_NAME:lynx man:lynx men:lynx man]

[SELECT_CASTE:FEMALE]

[CASTE_NAME:lynx woman:lynx women:lynx woman]

[SELECT_CASTE:ALL]

[APPLY_CREATURE_VARIATION:PUNCH_ATTACK]

[APPLY_CREATURE_VARIATION:KICK_ATTACK]

[APPLY_CREATURE_VARIATION:CLAW_SCRATCH_ATTACK]

[APPLY_CREATURE_VARIATION:TOOTH_BITE_ATTACK]

[APPLY_CREATURE_VARIATION:STANDARD_BIPED_GAITS:711:521:293:219:900:1900] 40 kph

[APPLY_CREATURE_VARIATION:STANDARD_CLIMBING_GAITS:2990:2257:1525:731:4300:6100] 12 kph

[APPLY_CREATURE_VARIATION:STANDARD_SWIMMING_GAITS:2990:2257:1525:731:4300:6100] 12 kph

[APPLY_CREATURE_VARIATION:STANDARD_CRAWLING_GAITS:2990:2257:1525:731:4300:6100] 12 kph

[GO_TO_START]

[NAME:lynx man:lynx men:lynx man]

[DESCRIPTION:A person with the head and tail of a lynx.]

[POPULATION_NUMBER:30:50]

[CLUSTER_NUMBER:1:5]

[MAXAGE:150:200]

[CREATURE_TILE:'l']

[COLOR:6:0:0]

[BABY:1]

[CHILD:12]

[GO_TO_TAG:USE_TISSUE_TEMPLATE:CLAW:CLAW_TEMPLATE]

[TISSUE_LAYER:BY_CATEGORY:FINGER:CLAW:FRONT]

Now that seems a lot more representative of the deadly versatility of furries in real life, don't you think?

== 2-By-Swords are Underpowered in Cataclysm ==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Stick" bullshit that's going on in the Cataclysm: DDA system right now. 2-by-swords deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine 2-by-sword in my backyard for 0 Yen (that's about $0) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 minutes now. I can even cut slabs of solid butter with my 2-by-sword.

Guys with absolutely nothing to do spend minutes working on a single 2-by-sword and whittle it up to eighty-two or eighty-three times to produce the finest wooden blades known to mankind.

Two-by-swords are infinite times as sharp as sticks and just as hard for that matter too. Anything a stick can whack, a two-by-sword can better. I'm pretty sure a two-by-sword could easily bring tears to the eyes of a kid wearing a t-shirt and shorts with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why suburban children never bothered conquering rural areas? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined forest hobo kids and their two-by-swords of destruction. Even in Neighborhood War II, River Street kidss targeted the Maple Street guys with the two-by-swords first because their whacking power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? two-by-swords are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Cataclysm: Dark Days Ahead system. Here is the stat block I propose for two-by-swords:

{
"type": "GENERIC",
"id": "sword_wood",
"symbol": "!",
"color": "brown",
"name": { "str": "2-by-sword" },
"description": "The ultimate weapon of destruction.",
"material": "wood",
"volume": "1250 ml",
"weight": "600 g",
"bashing": 42,
"cutting": 11,
"to_hit": 27,
"flags": [ "SHEATH_SWORD" ],
"techniques": [ "WBLOCK_1" ]
},

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of 2-by-swords in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Two-by-swords need to do more damage in Cataclysm DDA, see my new stat block.

== Woman's Touch is Overpowered in Real Life ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Man's Touch" bullshit that's going on in the Real Life system right now. Woman's touch deserve much more than that. Much, much more than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine woman's hand from the Chinese flesh market for 10 million Ren (that's about 2 euro) and have been practicing with it for almost 4 years now. I can even fap to animu with my Woman's Hand.

Chinese gangsters spend years trying to find the perfect woman to cut and fold up to a million times to produce some of the most pleasurable wanking machines known to mankind.

Womans hands are double as soft as man hands swords and half as dirty for that matter too. Anything a man's hand can assist you with, a woman's hand can do better. I'm pretty sure a man's hand would break when used as much as a woman's hand.

Ever wonder why feudal Europe never bothered conquering China? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Chinese and their woman's hands of eternal fapdom. Even in Japanese hentai, Japanese actors used the women's hands before they handed them to the Chinese first because their soft skin was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Woman's hands are simply the best sex toy that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Real Life system. Here is the stat block I propose for woman's hand:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 
1d4 minutes of orgasm 
19-20 chance for perfect motion 
x2 crit damage 
14-20 x5 if lube is applied and hentai is watched 
-8 against homosexual men 
+8 against homosexual women 
Counts as unique drop in WoW.

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 
1d5 minutes of orgasm 
19-20 chance for perfect motion 
x2 crit damage 
14-20 x5 if lube is applied and hentai is watched 
-8 against homosexual men 
+8 against homosexual women 
-4 against men or women with small penises 
+4 against men or women with big penises 
Counts as unique drop in WoW.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the feeling power of woman's hand in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Woman's hands need to grant much more pleasure in Real Life settings, see my new stat block.

== Skaven Plague Censers are Underpowered in WHFB ==

That's it. I'm sick-sick of all this "Toughness check Flail" ratshit that's going on in the WHFB system right now. Plague Censers deserve much-much better than that. Much-much better than that. Yesss...

I know of what i speak-speak. I myself commissioned a genuine Plague Censer back in Skavenblight for 24,000 Warp tokens (that's about 20,000 Gold Crowns, Man-things!) and have been crushing the enemies of the Horned One with it for almost 20 years now. I can even smash Reiksguard Knights with my Censer

Clan Pestilens smiths spend years working on a single censer and burn it up to a million times (Lots-lots) to produce the finest weapons known to Skavenkind

Plague censers are thrice as toxic as any Nurgle plagueswords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a puny Lizard-thing club can smash-smash, a Censer flail can smash-smash better. I bet my tail a Plague Censer could easily crush-crush a pathetic Man-thing steam vehicle with a simple vertical swing

Ever wonder why the Lizard-things never bothered conquering the Southlands? That's right, they were too scared to fight the frenzied Plague Priests and their Censer Flails of destruction. Even in Lustria, Skink Skirmishers targeted the Rats with the Censers first because their killing power was feared and respected!.

So what am I squeaking? Plague Censers are simply the best weapon that the Old world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the WHFB system. Here is new stat block, yes-yes!

Skaven Plague Censer: Flail, SX2, armour piercing, poisoned, fear, warpstone weapon, reliable, dwarfbane, terror, always strikes first, killing blow, Zzap!, 3+ parry, 2+ ward save, death frenzy.

Now this much-much better represent the power of Clan Pestilens glorious Censer and all who swing them in the name of the Horned Rat

tl;dr = Plague censers need to do more damage in WHFB, see my stat block.

== Tearlach McMurrough is overcosted in Infinity ==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Character Mercenary Dog-Warrior" bullshit that's going on in the Infinity system right now. Tearlach McMurrough deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that. I should know what I'm talking about. I myself bought a genuine McMurrough in store for $55AUD (that's about $54.99AUD) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs off neckbeard's reputations with my McMurrough.

Corvus Belli designers spend months working on that single former Cameronian Irregular and re-stat it up to a million times to produce the finest warband known to wolfmankind.

McMurrough is thrice as killy as Sgt Duroc and thrice as hairy for that matter too. Anything a Domaru Butai can cut through, McMurrough can cut through better. I'm pretty sure Tearlach could easily bisect a Jotum pilot through their TAG's remote link with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why the Haqqislam nation never bothered conquering New Caledonia? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Cameronians and their Mercenary Character of destruction. Even in the Ariadnae Conflict, PanO soldiers targeted the giant wolfman with the sentient AI sword first because his killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Tearlach McMurrough is simply the best soldier that the galaxy has ever seen, and thus, requires better stats in the Infinity system. Here is the stat block I propose for McMurrough:

Irregular, Impetuous

SWC 0, Cost 32

Mov 6-4

CC 19

BS 11

PH 15

WIP 14

ARM 4

BTS -3

W 2

AVA 1 character (Mercs, CHA, Corregidor)

Total Immunity, Martial Arts L3, Superjump

2 Chain Rifles, Grenades, Smoke Grenades, Templar CCW (AP+DA)

Now that seems a lot more representative of the killing power of McMurrough in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = McMurrough needs to be more cheap in Infinity, see my new stat block.

== Katanas are Underpowered in cRPG ==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bastard Sword" bullshit that's going on in the cRPG system right now. Katanas deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.
I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my katana.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Katanas are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a katana could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Samurai and their katanas of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the cRPG system. Here is the stat block I propose for Katanas:

(Wakizashi) 
+31 Speed 
+48 Pierce 
+22 Cut 

(Katana) 
+43 Speed 
+36 Pierce 
+75 Cut 

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Katanas in real life, don't you think?
tl;dr = Katanas need to do more damage in cRPG, see my new stat block.

==Power Swords are underpowered in 7th edition==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Mastercrafted Power Axe" bullshit that's going on in the 7th edition system right now. Power Swords deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.
I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Power Sword from the Bloody Magpies for 2,400,000 Lasguns (that's about $2) and have been practicing with it for almost 200 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid adamantium with my Power Sword.

The Adeptus Mechanicus weaponsmiths spend millennia working on a single Power Sword and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest melee weapons known to the universe.

Power Swords are thrice as handy as Power Axes and thrice as light for that matter too. Anything a Power Axe can cut through, a Power Sword can cut through ten times faster. I'm pretty sure a Power Sword could easily decimate an entire squad of Terminators with simple side blows.

Ever wonder why the Chaos Gods never bothered conquering the Imperium? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Space Marines and their Power Swords of destruction. Even in the Horus Heresy, the Chaos gods corrupted the men with the Power Swords first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Power Swords are simply the best sword that the Galaxy has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in 7th edition. Here is the stat block I propose for Power Swords:

(One-Handed Close Combat weapon)
+2 S
AP1
+2 A and WS
Counts as Mastercrafted

(Two-Handed Close combat weapon)
x2 S
AP1
+5 A and WS
Counts as Mastercrafted

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Power Swords compared to Power Axes , don't you think?

tl;dr = Power Swords need to do more damage in 7th edition, see my new stat block.

==Nemoido-Blades are Underpowered in the Approved Imperial RPG==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Bastard Lightsaber" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Nemoido-blades deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Nemoido-blade on Nemoidia for 2,400,000 Yin (that's about 20,000 Imperial Credits) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Nemoido-blade.

Nemoidian smiths spend years working on a single Nemoido-blade and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Nemoido-blades are thrice as sharp as Lightsabers and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a Lightsaber can cut through, a Nemoido-blade can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Nemoido-blade could easily bisect a stormtrooper wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Jedi Knights never bothered conquering Nemodia? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Nemoidurai and their Nemoido-blades of destruction. Even in Clone Wars, Clones targeted the men with the Nemoido-blades first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Nemoido-blaes are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Nemoido-blades:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon)
1d12 Damage
19-20 x4 Crit
+2 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon)
2d10 Damage
17-20 x4 Crit
+5 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Nemoido-blades in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Nemoido-blades need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

I'm going to go and watch all my favorite, superior Nemoidian animated holotapes while you all take in my genius

==Tiger I is underpowered in World of Tanks==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Tier VII heavy tank" bullshit that's going on in WoT right now. Tiger deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Tiger tank in Germany for 2,400,000 Reichsmark (that's about 1,200,000,000 Rubles) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even pierce through 2 dozens of Shermans with my 8.8 cm cannon.

German smiths spend years working on a single 8.8 cm cannon and rebore the gun barrel up to a million times to produce the finest tank gun known to mankind.

Tigers are thrice as powerful as Russian tanks and thrice as armoured for that matter too. Anything an IS-2 can penetrate, a Tiger can penetrate better. I'm pretty sure a Tiger could easily pierce through an IS-2 (Model 1944, not the wimpy Model 1943 Wargaming feeds us) in best sloped part of its hull with a simple 4.6-kilometer shot.

Ever wonder why France in the early days of war was easily conquered by Germany? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Panzer Division and their 8.8 cm of destruction. Even in late World War II, British anti tanks targeted the Tiger first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Tigers are simply the best tanks that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in WoT. Here is the stat block I propose for the 8.8 cm:

(Gun 8.8 cm Kw.K. 36 L/56)
14.55 Rate of Fire
175/205/50 Average Penetration
320/320/450 Damage
0.1 Dispersion
2.0 sec aiming time

(Gun 8.8 cm Kw.K. 43 L/71)
13.55 Rate of Fire
265/315/125 Average Penetration
320/320/450 Damage
0.01 Dispersion
1.5 sec aiming time

Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of Tigers in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Tigers need to do more damage in WoT, see my new stat block.

==M4 Sherman is Underpowered in Men of War: Assault Squad 2==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Glorious German Tanker Master Race" bullshit that's going on in the steam page right now. Humble Shermans and their brave tankers deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine M4 Sherman in United States for $2,400,000 (that's about 67,300 pounds) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even sealclub 40 games against German players in a row with only Sherman tanks.

American free laborers spend less than an hour working on a single Sherman tank and don't even need to refine it because it is the finest tank known to entire galaxy.

Sherman are thrice as numerous as Panzer IVs and thrice as reliable for that matter too. Anytime a Sherman breaks down it can be repaired in 10 minutes flat, a Panther tank under the same situation have no choice but to end up scrapped in 1 month. I'm pretty sure an American general could easily use Shermans to overrun whole Asia with a simple plain strategy.

Ever wonder why Nazi German never bothered fighting Western Allies? That's right, they were too scared to fight the brave American tankers and their Shermans of galactic conquest. Even in Korean War, Communist tankers targeted the Shermans first because their outnumbering power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? M4 Shermans are simply the best tanks that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the next patch of MoW: AS2. Here is the stat block I propose for M4 Sherman and all its variations:

(M4A3 & M4A4)
100 MP,
5 CP (crew only, ofc),
50% less repair time,
50% less casualties from a penetrating hit.

(M4A3E8 & Firefly)
150 & 175 MP,
5 CP (crew only, ofc),
50% less repair time,
50% less casualties from a penetrating hit,
150 & 170 meters range,
140 & 180 penetration with AP,
195 & 230 penetration with APCR.

(Jumbo & Jumbo 76)
300 & 350 MP,
7 CP,
Jumbo 76 has same pen and range as M4A3E8 above.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the strategical power of M4 Shermans in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Sherman need to do better job in Men of War: AS2, see my new stat block.

==IS-2 is Underpowered in World of Tanks==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "German Tank Buffs" bullshit that's going on in the patch 9.0 and beyond right now. IS-2 deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine book about Soviet Heavy tanks for 60,000 Rubles (that's about 3 dollars) and have been vigorously reading it for almost 2 years now. I can even convert a dozen of German worshipers with my educated argument.

Soviet peasant-factory workers spend months working on a single IS-2 tank and correct it up to a dozen times to produce the finest heavy tank known to mankind.

IS-2s are thrice as cheap as Tiger Is and thrice as effective for that matter. Any defense a Tiger II can break through, an IS-2 can break through better, and three times less expensive, too. I'm pretty sure an IS-2 could easily decapitate a Tiger II with a simple explosive shell.

Ever wonder why Nazi German never bothered fielding veterans in France? That's right, they were desperately shitting themselves upon a sight of fearless Soviet soldiers and their IS-2 of pure rape and defilement. Even in Korean War, Capitalist defenders targeted the IS-2s first because their line-penetrating prowess was terrifyingly horrifying and horrifyingly terrifying.

So what am I saying? IS-2s are simply the best heavy tanks that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the next patch of WoT. Here is the stat block I propose for the IS-2 and some of its guns:

(IS-2 Model 1944, replacing the unhistorical IS)
1300 Hit points
120/95/60 Hull armor
160/100/100 Turret armor
-3 to 20 degrees gun elevation
375/450 meters view range
500/750 meters signal range

(100 mm D-10T)
7.44 Rate of Fire
194/252/60 Penetration
450/450/675 Damage
0.28 Dispersion
2.4 Aiming Time

(122 mm A-19 replacing D-2-5T)
4.22 Rate of Fire
187/235/75 Penetration
600/600/900 Damage
0.32 Dispersion
3.0 Aiming Time

(122 mm D-25T)
5.01 Rate of Fire
187/235/75 Penetration
600/600/900 Damage
0.32 Dispersion
2.7 Aiming Time

Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of IS-2 in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = IS-2 need to perform better in World of Tanks, see my new stat block.

==Objections are Underpowered in Phoenix Wright==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "pointing out contradictions" bullshit that's going on in the Ace Attorney games right now. Objections deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine paper attorney's badge in Los Angeles for 0 Yen (that's about $0) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even make hardened war veterans cry by showing them that they lied about the orientation of a lamp.

American attorneys spend seconds working on a single objection and yell it at up to a million decibels to produce the finest legal screams known to mankind.

Objections are thrice as dangerous as "hold it!"s and thrice as rewarding for that matter too. Anything a "hold it!" can reveal, an objection can prove better. I'm pretty sure an objection could easily disprove an elaborately planned murder frame-up with a single piece of decisive evidence.

Ever wonder why the prosecution never bothers cross-examining the witnesses? That's right, they're too scared to argue with the disciplined defense attorneys and their objections of destruction. Even in the OJ Simpson case, the prosecution targeted the defense attorneys who could yell better first because their legal power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Objections are simply the best reason to point at people that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better abilities in the Ace Attorney games. Here is the stat block I propose for Objections:

-Wins case without any evidence 
-Prompts real killer to immediately come forth and confess 
-Causes prosecutor to flee to Germany/commit suicide 

Now that seems a lot more representative of the legal power of Objections in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Objections need to do more in cases in Ace Attorney, see my new stat block.

==Fire warriors are underpowered in 40k==

That’s it. I’m sick of all this “Space Marine supersoldier” bullshit that’s going on in 40k right now. Fire Warriors deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I’m talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Fire Warrior in Kel'shan for 2,400,000 Tau'ler (that’s about 1000 Thrones) and have been practicing with him for almost 2 years now. I can even slaughter an entire chapter worth of Terminators with the way of Fire Warrior.
Fire Caste drill sergeants spend years training a single Fire Warrior and practice him up to a million times to create the finest soldiers known to the universe.

Fire Warriors are thrice as strong as Orks and thrice as adaptable as Tyranids for that matter too. Anything an Exarch can do, a Fire Warrior can do it better. I’m pretty sure a Fire Warrior could easily cut a Demon Prince Primarch into thousands pieces under in 10 seconds with the simplest of his gear: the knife.

Ever wonder why the. Imperium of Man never bothered conquering the Eastern Fringe? That’s right, they were too scared to fight the Greater Good and its Fire Warriors of destruction. Even in The Damocles Crusade, Imperial Guardsmen targeted the Fire Warriors with artillery barrage first because their combat power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Fire. Warriors are simply the best soldiers that the Galaxy has ever seen, and thus, require better stats. Here is the stat block I propose for Fire Warriors:
And They Shall Know No Fear

Points/model 8
WS 5
BS 10
S 4
T 4
W 1
I 4
L 9
SV 3+

Now that seems a lot more representative of the fighting power of Fire Warriors in real life, don’t you think?
tl;dr = Fire warriors stronk, imperial piggu go home, Nids can't adapt as fast as us

==Lulu top is Underpowered in LoL==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Riven top" bullshit that's going on in the LoL games right now. Lulu deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Lulu account with all the skins present and future from Riot Gaming for 975 RP (that's about $10) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even blow up slabs of tanks like Garen with full build.

Riot officials spend years working on a single Lulu and balance her up to a million times to produce the finest cute Yordle known to mankind.

Lulus are thrice as fast as shit Dariuses and thrice as cute for that matter too. Anything a Riven broken ass sword can cut through, a Lulu and pix combo can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a Lulu could easily bisect a Level 18 Zac with a simple Q

Ever wonder why the summoners on the rift never bothered bossing Lulu around? That's right, they were too scared to fight the loli cute Lulu and her machine gun Pix of destruction. Even in the Summoner war, Vayne top mains targeted the Lulu players first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Lulus are simply the best Yordles that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the LoL gaming system. Here is the skill rework I propose for Lulu:

Passive: Pix has 200% increased attack speed when he's on Lulu
Q hits everyone, even when they're dead. It is now based off 500% ap ratio

W grants a permanent shield that stacks when placed on allies, and instantly deletes opponents, as in, deletes their account completely when casted on them

E grants allies 300% movement speed buff for 40 minutes, and turns enemies into a jungle monster for 40 minutes, even after death.

Lulu Ult: Instant Tremendo for everyone, global ult, including towers

Now that seems a lot more representative of the destructive power of Lulu in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Lulu needs to be more prominent at top, see my skill rework list

==Pale Moon is Underpowered on the Internet==

That’s it. I’m sick of all this “Mozilla Chromium” bullshit that’s going on in the internet right now. Pale Moon deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.
I should know what I’m talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine browser on the dark net for 20,000 Bitcoins (that’s about $2,400,000) and have been surfing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even hack the NSA with my browser.
Blackhat hackers on steroids spend years working on a single line of code and debug it over million times to produce the finest browsers known to mankind.
Pale Moon is thrice as fast as Chromium browsers and thrice as compact for that matter too. Anything Firefox can open, Pale Moon can render it better. I’m pretty sure Pale Moon could easily hack a script kiddie behind seven proxies with a simple key press.
Ever wonder why Microsoft never bothered buying Mozilla? That’s right, they were too scared to compare code against the disciplined hackers and their vans of destruction. Even in Windows 3.11, the FBI targeted the men with using Mozilla first because their hacking power was feared and respected.
So what am I saying? Pale Moon is simply the best browser that the world has ever seen, and thus, requires better cred on the net.

==Traitor Sticks are Underpowered in d20==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Lightsaber" banthashit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Traitor sticks deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Z-6 Electro-baton on the Starkiller Base for 2,400,000 Imperial Credits (that's about 20,000 Republic Credits) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even shock slabs of solid durasteel with my traitor stick. First Order smiths spend years working on a single traitor stick and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest sticks known to the galaxy.

Traitor sticks are thrice as powerful as lightsabers and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a lightsaber can cut through, a traitor stick can shock through better. I'm pretty sure a traitor stick could easily destroy a Jedi knight wearing full robes with a simple vertical spin.

Ever wonder why the Republic never bothered conquering the First Order? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Riot Control Stormtroopers and their sick spins of destruction. Even in Episode VII, traitors targeted the men with the traitor sticks first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Traitor sticks are simply the best stick that the galaxy has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for traitor sticks:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon)
1d12 Damage
19-20 x4 Crit
+2 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon)
2d10 Damage
17-20 x4 Crit
+5 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the shocking power of traitor sticks in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = traitor sticks need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

==Energy Swords are Underpowered in d20==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Curveblade" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Energy Swords deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Type-1 Energy Sword on Sanghelios for 2,400,000 gekz (that's about 20,000 credits) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid Titanium-A with my Energy Sword.

Sangheili smiths spend years working on a single Energy Sword and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to the Covenant.

Energy Swords are thrice as sharp as Gravity Hammers and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything the Fist of Rukt can cut through, an Energy Sword can cut through better. I'm pretty sure an Energy Sword could easily bisect a Brute Chieftain wearing full plate and energy shields with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why Doisac during the 23rd Age of Doubt never bothered conquering Sanghelios? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Kaidon and their energy blades of destruction. Even in the Human-Covenant War, UNSC soldiers targeted the Elites with the Energy Swords first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Energy Swords are simply the best sword that the galaxy has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Energy Swords:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 
1d12 Damage 
19-20 x4 Crit 
+2 to hit and damage 
Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 
2d10 Damage 
17-20 x4 Crit 
+5 to hit and damage 
Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Energy Swords in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Energy Swords need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

==''Velociraptor'' are Underpowered in d20==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork ''Dakotaraptor''" bullshit that's going on in the paleontological system right now. ''Velociraptor mongoliensis'' deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine ''Velociraptor'' in Mongolia for 2,400,000 Tugriks (that's about $1179.67) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid ''Pachycephalosaurus'' bone with my ''Velociraptor''.

Mongolian eggs spend months working on a single ''Velociraptor'' and give it yolk up to a million times to produce the finest Dromaeosaurids known to mankind.

''Velociraptor'' claws are thrice as sharp as ''Deinonychus'' claws and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything an ''Acheroraptor'' can cut through, a ''Velociraptor'' can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a ''Velociraptor'' could easily bisect a full grown bull ''Euoplocephalus'' with a simple vertical slash.

Ever wonder why late Cretaceous North America never bothered conquering Mongolia? That's right, they were too scared to fight the ferocious ''Velociraptor'' and their talons of destruction. Even in the K-Pg extinction event, climate change targeted the ''Velociraptor'' first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? ''Velociraptor'' are simply the best dinosaur that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for ''Velociraptor'':

(One-Winged Exotic Coelurosaur) 
1d12 Damage 
19-20 x4 Crit 
+2 to hit and damage 
Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Winged Exotic Coelurosaur) 
2d10 Damage 
17-20 x4 Crit 
+5 to hit and damage 
Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of ''Velociraptor'' in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = ''Velociraptor'' need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

==Railguns are Underpowered in 40k==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterworked Stonethrower" bullshit that's going on in 40k right now. Railguns deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine railgun in T'au for 2,400,000 Drones (that's about 20,000 Leman Russ Battletanks worth) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2QqOvFMG_A| pierce slabs of solid steel] with my railgun.

Earth Caste engineers spend years working on a single railgun and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest guns known to the Tau Empire.

Railguns have thrice the penetrative power of Vanquisher battlecannons and have thrice the range for that matter too. Anything a Vanquisher battlecannon can destroy, a railgun can destroy faster. I'm pretty sure a railgun could easily destroy an imperator titan with a simple snap shot.

Ever wonder why The Imperium of Man never bothered conquering the Tau Empire? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Hammerhead Gunships and their railguns of destruction. Even in the Damocles crusade, Imperial Titans targeted the Hammerhead Gunships first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Railguns are simply the best ranged weapon that the galaxy has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 40k system. Here is the stat block I propose for Railgun:

Range ∞

Strength D

Heavy 1

Now that seems a lot more representative of the penetrative power of Railguns in 40k, don't you think?

tl;dr = Railguns need to do more damage in 40k, see my new stat block.

==Puretide's teachings are underpowered in d6==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Codex Astartes" bullshit that's going on in the d6 system right now. Puretides' teachings deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine copy of The A'rt o'f W'a'r on planet J'apa'n for 2 Ultramarines (that's about 20,000 marines of any other chapter) and have been reading with it for almost 2 centuries now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with the tactical wisdom of Puretide.

Tau commanders spend years mastering Puretides' teachings and use up to a million memory techniques to produce the finest officers known galaxy wide.

Puretide was thrice as smart as Roboute Guilliman and thrice as wise for that matter too. Anyone who masters Puretides' teaching can master an alien Civilization's codex better then guys who invented it. I'm pretty sure Puretide could easily defeat the entire XIII legion with a single fire warrior cadre.

Ever wonder why great crusade era-Imperium never bothered conquering T'au? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Puretide and his tactical mastery even though he wasn't born for 8,000 years. Even in Damocles campaign, Vindicates targeted the Tau who had read the A'rt o'f W'a'r first because their strategy was feared and respected.

So what am I saying?The A'rt o'f w'a'r is simply the best book that the galaxy has ever seen, and thus, require better rules in the d6 system. Here is the special rule I propose for Tau:

All Tau units may fire twice in the shooting phase.

All Tau units may make snap shots at full ballistic skill.

Now that seems a lot more representative of the tactical power of the A'rt o'f W'a'r in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Tau need to be better in Warhammer, see my new stat block.

==Dadaos are Underpowered in d20==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Katana easily bisecting knight" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Dadaos deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.
I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine dadao in PRC for 20,000 Yuan (that's about 2,400,000 Yen) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even chop slabs of high grade steel in two with my dadao.

Downtrodden Chinese smiths spend days working on a piece of railroad and shaping it up a few times to produce the finest sword known to all civilizations.

Dadaos are thrice as hard-hitting as katanas and thrice as durable for that matter too. Anything a katana can slice through, a dadao can slice through better. I'm pretty sure a dadao could easily behead three Japanese officers in a row while breaking their katanas at the same time with a simple horizontal swing.

Ever wonder why the Japanese Empire failed to conquer China? That's right, they wasted too much time trying to lure the skilled Chinese soldiers into field battles where their dadaos of devastation would be of little use. Even in Korean War, Capitalist artillerymen targeted any semblance of cover first because a counter-attack from men with dadaos would stagnate any offensive operation, if not outright blundering it.

So what am I saying? Dadaos are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Dadaos:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon)
2d6 Damage
19-20 x2 Crit
+4 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon)
4d6 Damage
17-20 x2 Crit
+10 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the combat power of Dadaos in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Dadaos need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.

==Ryuujou is underpowered in World of Warships==
That's it. I'm sick of all this American CV bullshit going on in World of Warships right now. Japanese CV's, Ryuujou especially, deserves better than that. Much much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Ryuujou in Yokohama for 3,650,000 yen and have been practicing with her for almost 2 years now. I can even launch F-22 Raptors off her flight deck.

Mitsubishi Heavy Industries spent years working on Ryuujou's flight deck, folding it up to millions of times, and didn't put the bridge on top to produce one of the flattest ships known to mankind.

Ryuujou is thrice as flat as any American carrier and thus, thrice as better at launching aircraft. Any aircraft an American carrier can launch, Ryuujou can launch more efficiently. I'm pretty sure a fully loaded, non-lightened B-52 could take off from Ryuujou's flight deck.

Ever wonder why the Americans dropped the atomic bomb? That's right, they were too scared to fight another Ryuujou. Even in the battle for the Solomon Islands, the Americans targeted Ryuujou first because her plane-launching power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Ryuujou is simply the best carrier there is, even compared with nuclear supercarriers, and thus requires better stats in World of Warships. Here is the aircraft load I propose for Ryuujou:

Flight control Type 6 mod 1 (stock): 3 fighter squads, 1 torpedo squad, 1 dive squad
Flight control Type 6 mod 2 (bombing): 2 fighter squads, 4 torpedo squads
Flight control Type 6 mod 3 (air cover): 4 fighter squads, 1 torpedo squad, 1 dive squad

Now that seems a lot more representative of the air power Ryuujou carried, don't you think?

tl;dr = Ryuujou needs to do more damage in WoWs, see my aircraft load.

== Katanas are correctly powered in d20 ==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "improved Katana stat block" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Katanas are much more average than that. Much, much more average than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 486,000 Yen (that's about $4,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 hours now. I can now cut flesh with my katana.

Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to sixteen times to produce one of the more adequate and blades known to mankind.

Katanas are not as sharp as European swords nor as hard for that matter. It's entirely possible that anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through. I'm pretty sure a katana, if sufficiently sharpened could easily dismember an unarmored man's arm with a simple horizontal slash.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too far away from each other. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because they were a sign of rank.

So what am I saying? Katanas are simply a sword that the world has seen, and thus, require stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Katanas:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon)
1d10 Damage
19-20 Crit
Slashing

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Katanas in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Katanas need to do adequate damage in d20, see my stat block.

== Derivatives are underpowered in the The Calculus ==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Difference Quotient" bullshit that's going on in the The Calculus system right now. Derivatives deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine derivative in England for 2,400,000£ (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even derive instantaneous changes in velocity with my derivative.

English mathematicians spend years working on a single derivative and check it up to a million times to produce the finest mathematical shortcut known to mankind.

Derivatives are thrice as quick as Asian abacuses and thrice as precise for that matter too. Anything an abacus can calculate, a derivative can calculate better. I'm sure a derivative could easily bisect a complex equation with a simple vertical application.

Ever wonder why medieval Asia never bothered conquering England? That's right, they were too scared to have a math-off with the disciplined mathematicians and their derivatives of destruction. Even in World War II, Japanese soldiers targeted the men with the derivatives first because their calculating power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Derivatives are simply the best shortcut that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the The Calculus system. Here is the stat block I propose for Derivatives:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 
lim(h→0) [f(a+h)-f(a)]/(h) 
19-20 x4 Calc 
+2 to speed and calculations 
Counts as Fundamental Tool for the The Calculus

(With a Calculator) 
nDeriv[d/dx][f(x)]|=x 
17-20 x4 Calc 
+5 to speed and calculations 
Counts as Fundamental Tool for the The Calculus

Now that seems a lot more representative of the calculating power of the Derivatives in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr: Derivatives need more application in The Calculus, see my new stat block.

== Navy Seals are underpowered in d20 ==

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know that I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Commando" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Navy Seals deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that. I should know what I'm talking about. I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my combat knife.

American trainers spend years working on a single Navy Seal and train him in gorilla warfare to produce the top sniper in the entire US armed forces.
Navy Seals are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too. A longsword is nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe a knight wearing full plate the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering the States? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Navy Seals and their entire arsenal of destruction of the United States Marine Corps. Even in World War II, Japanese soldiers targeted the Navy Seals first because their killing power was feared and respected.

== George R.R. Martin is Underpowered in d20 ==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Master Author" bullshit that's going on in the GRRM threads right now. GRRM deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.
I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine story from George for 2,400,000 ASOIAF character deaths (that's about $20,000) and have been choosing which will die for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my edge.

GRRM spends years working on a single chapter and redrafts it up to a million times to produce the finest stories known to mankind.

His stories are thrice as good as Tolkein's stories and thrice as realistic for that matter too. Anything Tolkien can write, GRRM can write better. I'm pretty sure one of GRRM's stories could easily crush a knight wearing full plate simply by dropping it on him.

Ever wonder why Tolkien never challenged GRRM to a write-off? That's right, he was too scared to write against GRRM and his incredible writing ability. Even at the Hugo Awards, judges make sure to read GRRM's books first because his ability to create a masterpiece is so feared and respected.

So what am I saying? GRRM is simply the best author that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for George:

(One-Handed Exotic Weapon) 
1d12 Damage 
19-20 x4 Crit 
+2 to hit and damage 
Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Exotic Weapon) 
2d10 Damage 
17-20 x4 Crit 
+5 to hit and damage 
Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of George's seminal writing in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = GRRM needs better representation, see my new stat block.

== Jimmy Rome’s Anus is Underpowered in Song of Swords ==

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Half Pike of Satan" bullshit that's going on in the Song of Swords system right now. My anus deserves much better than that. Much, much better than that.
I should know what I'm talking about. I myself loosened my anus in Santa Cruz for 2,400,000 denarii profit from prostitution (that's about $30) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even take in slabs of solid steel with my anus.

Strong older Serbian and Black Men spend years working on a single anus and pound it up to a million times to produce the finest sphincters known to mankind.

My anus is thrice as loose as Turkish boypussy and thrice as child-like for that matter too. Anything a Turkish boypussy can envelop, my anus can envelop better. I'm pretty sure my anus could easily take in a knight wearing full plate with a simple bit of squatting.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Rome? That's right, they were too scared to fight me (as I am a time traveller) and my loose anus of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted me first because the sheer looseness of my anus made them both confused and disgusted.

So what am I saying? My anus is simply the loosest sphincter that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the Song of Swords system. Here is the stat block I propose for my anus:

Jimmy Rome's Anus
2H Bodily Orifice, Hand Range, Strike TN 8 (+1s)*, Thrust TN 6 (+4s)* DTN 10, Hook, 0wt, 1cp

Now that seems a lot more representative of the enveloping powers of my anus in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = My anus needs to do more damage in SoS, see my new stat block.

*Note that this weapon inflicts wounds on the sodomy hit location, which is then directly applied to the wielder rather than the target hit.

== Longswords are Overpowered in d20 ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Sensibly Sized Bladed Weapon" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Longswords deserve much worse than that. Much, much worse than that. I should know what i'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Longsword in Germany for $1 (Thats about 120 Yen) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can barely cut sheets of paper with my Longsword.

European smiths spend about a month working on a single Longsword and fold it no times in order to create an unwieldy lump of metal.

Longswords are a third as sharp as Japanese weapons and are a third as hard too. I'm pretty sure a Longsword would fail to do any sort of damage to a armour wearing samurai.

Do you know why Japan never bothered conquering medieval Europe? That's right, it would had been far too easy fighting the western knights and their metal clubs of failure. Even in World War II, Europeans stopped equipping their armies with Longswords altogether because of how little they worked.

So what am I saying? Longswords are simply the worst sword the world has ever seen, and thus, require worse stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Longswords:

(One-Handed Simple Weapon) 
1d4 Damage 
x2 Crit 
-2 to hit and damage 
Can never count as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Simple Weapon) 
1d6 Damage 
x2 Crit 
-1 to hit and damage 
Can never count as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the cutting power of Longswords in real life, don't you think?
tl;dr = Longswords need to do much less in d20, see my new stat block.

== Primaris are Underpowered in 8th Edition ==
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Veteran Manlet" bullshit that's going on in the 40k system right now. Primaris deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.
I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Primaris in Ultramar for 2,400,000 Thrones (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my Primaris.

Mechanicum gene-smiths spend years working on a single Primaris and add in up to a million times organs to produce the finest marines known to mankind.

Primaris are thrice as strong as Manlets and thrice as tough for that matter too. Anything a manlet can kill, a Primaris can kill better. I'm pretty sure a Primaris could easily crush a man's skull in his hand with a simple grip.

Ever wonder why Abaddon never bothered conquering Ultramar? That's right, he ws too scared to fight the disciplined Ultramarines and their Primaris of destruction. Even in the Plague Wars, Death Guard soldiers targeted the Primaris first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Primaris are simply the best marine that the Imperium has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the 40k system. Here is the stat block I propose for Primaris:

>M 12"

>WS 2+

>BS 2+

>S 5

>T 5

>A 3

>W 3

>Ld 20

>Sv 1+/2++

Now that seems a lot more representative of the power of Primaris in the fluff, don't you think?

tl;dr = Primaris need to be better in Warhammer 40k, see my new stat block.

=Homosexuals are Underpowered in D20=
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork Heterosexual" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. Homosexuals deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine homosexual in France for about 0 Euroes (that's about $0) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut slabs of solid hornyness with my homosexual

French smiths spend nine months working on a single homosexual and closet it up to a million times to produce the finest sexual identifications known to mankind.

Homosexuals are thrice as horny as European heterosexuals and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a heterosexual can cut through, a homosexual can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a homosexual could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple thrust into his anal cavity.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering France? That's right, they were too scared to fight the horny French and their homosexuals of orgasms. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the homosexual tendencies first because their orgasm-causing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Homosexuals are simply the best sexual identification that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Homosexuals:

(One-Handed Gay-Ass Weapon)
19-20 Splash Damage
x4 Crit
+2 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork

(Two-Handed Gay-Ass Weapon)
2d10 SplashDamage
17-20 x4 Crit
+5 to hit and damage
Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the orgasiming power of Homosexuals in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = Homosexuals need to do more splash damage in d20, see my new stat block.

= Scythes are Underpowered in D20 =
That’s it. I’m sick of all this “Masterwork Halbard” bullshit that’s going on in the d20 system right now. Scythes deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.

I should know what I’m talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Scythe in Romania for 63,000 Leu (that’s about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even cut fields of solid steel with my scythe.

Romanian smiths spend days working on a single scythe and hammer it up to one hundred times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.

Scythes are thrice as sharp as Halbards and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a halbard can cut through, a scythe can cut through better. I’m pretty sure a scythe could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple spin attack.

Ever wonder why medieval Spain never bothered conquering Romania? That’s right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Farmers and their scythes of destruction. Even in the cold war, Russian soldiers targeted the men with the scythes first because their ability to feed their families was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? scythes are simply the best polarm that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for Scythes:

(Two-Handed Martial Weapon)

2d10 Damage
17-20 x4 Crit
+5 to hit and damage
Vorpal
Reach
Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the killing power of Scythes in real life, don’t you think?

tl;dr = Scythes need to do more damage in d20, see my new stat block.
= Chaos is underpowerd in Warhammer 40k =
That's it. I'm tired of all this "Masterwork Iron Hands" bullshit that's going on in the Warhammer 40k system right now. Chaos deserves better than that. Much better than that.

I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine Chaos army for almost 1,000 american dollars, and have been practicing with it for almost two years now. I can even kill Vanguard waves of Imperial Knights with my Chaos Army.

GW modelers and gamesmiths spend years crafting the finest rules and models known to mankind.

Chaos models are thrice as good as Imperial armies, and thrice less weeby as the Tau too. Anything a knight can kill, a chaos army can kill better. I'm pretty sure a chaos cultist could bisect a full Space Marine terminator.

Ever wonder why the Imperium never bothered invading the Eye of Terror? That's right, they were too frightened to fight the disciplined chaos warbands and their cultists of death. Even in the 13th Black Crusade, Imperial forces targeted Cultists first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? Chaos is simply the best army the world has ever seenn, and thus require better stats in a 40k system. Here is the stat block I propose for Chaos:

(Any Chaos Model)
20" BS2 WS2 S12 T12 W16 SV2
All hit, wound, and damage rolls are rerollable, and any wound causes D6 additional mortal wounds.

Now that demonstrates the killing power of a Chaos army in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr: Check my new statblock.

=T. Rexes are underpowered in D20 =

That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork velociraptor" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. T-rexs deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that.
I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine T. Rex Skull from the Royal Tyrrell Murseum for 2.5 million CDN (that's about $1.8M) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even bite through solid steel with my T. Rex jaw.

Albertan paleontologists spend years working on a single T. rex and inject it with steroids up to a million times to produce the finest predators known to mankind.

T. rex teeth are thrice as sharp as European lances and thrice as hard for that matter too. Anything a longsword can cut through, a T. Rex can bite through better. I'm pretty sure a T. Rex could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a single bite.

Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Pangaea? That's right, they were too scared to fight the terrifying T-Rex and their teeth of destruction. Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the T-rex skulls first because their killing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? T. rexes are simply the best predator that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for a T. Rex:

Colossal reptile
CR60
45d12+90(380hp)
Str 40
Dex 40
Con 50
Int 25
Wis 20
Cha 30
Natural attacks: 2 claw(5d20+15) 1 bite(10d20+15), special attacks: swallow hole
AC 45, 25 touch, 30 flatfooted

Now that seems a lot more representative of the killing power of T. Rexes in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = T. rexes need to be more deadly in d20, see my new stat block

= V6's are underpowered in D20 =
That's it. I'm sick of all this "Masterwork V8" bullshit that's going on in the d20 system right now. V6’s deserve much better than that. Much, much better than that. I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine V6 engine in Germany for 2,400,000 Euros (that's about $2) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now. I can even outdrive Bugatti’s with my V6.

German wage slaves spend years working on a single V6 and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest engines known to mankind.
V6’s are thrice as speedy as V8’s and thrice as reliable for that matter too. Any distance a V8 can drive through, a V6 can drive through better. I'm pretty sure a V6 Hatchback could easily beat a Ferrari wearing a twin-turbo charged V8 with a simple push of the accelerator.

Ever wonder why modern America never bothered racing Germany? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Hatchbacks and their V6’s of speed. Even in World War II, American drivers targeted the men with the V6 first because their racing power was feared and respected.

So what am I saying? V6 are simply the best engines that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system. Here is the stat block I propose for V6:
(High Powered Race Engine)

1d12 Speed

19-20 x4 acceleration

+2 to performance and maneuverability

Counts as Masterwork

Now that seems a lot more representative of the horsepower of the V6 in real life, don't you think?

tl;dr = V6 engines need to be faster in d20, see my new stat block.

= Explanation for all this shit =
This was originally posted either by a [[weeaboo]] who thinks that katanas are the best weapons in existence, or a [[troll]] who has masterfully baited us all. Probably the former, tho. While the post holds a number of truths (a katana is quite sharp, but so is a scimitar), most of it is bullshit that relies on mysticism rather than a sound understanding of material science. Sit back and allow us to dissect it for you:

'''''<blockquote>I should know what I'm talking about. I myself commissioned a genuine katana in Japan for 2,400,000 Yen (that's about $20,000) and have been practicing with it for almost 2 years now.</blockquote>'''''

Having an expensive sword and two years of training does not make you an expert. Especially when Samurai caste members often train from the moment they could hold a sword. Also, consider the fact that even the highest quality, authentic katanas can be commissioned for well under $20000, with prices [http://www.ejapaneseswords.com/swordsforsale.html usually ranging] in the "mere" thousands of dollars.

'''''<blockquote>I can even cut slabs of solid steel with my katana.</blockquote>'''''

Swords can't cut slabs of solid iron, let alone steel, and katanas are no different. Katanas have rather thick cross-sections and as such have to push aside more metal to get to the squishy bits, making them worse at penetrating armor. This is basic physics: for cutting through things you want as much power in one spot instead of having a massive cutting blade. On that note, every time you see a YouTube video that shows a rifle firing bullets at a katana only to have the bullets cleaved in half, please use your goddamn common sense and think of the reason rifle bullets shatter themselves upon hitting water when fired into a pool. The short answer is the bullets themselves have so much momentum of course they are going to shatter themselves on impact, and against a relatively thin thing like a katana the shattering will be in a cleaving form. It has been proven you can repeat the same scenario with a bullet and a [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Qy-Be2cDGQ butter knife].

Tl;dr: Unless you're the [[Juggernaut]] (bitch) or [[Berserk|Guts]] you ain't cutting through any shit that's harder flesh and bone with a katana. Even then, you may well end up ruining the blade in short order.

'''''<blockquote>Japanese smiths spend years working on a single katana and fold it up to a million times to produce the finest blades known to mankind.</blockquote>'''''

While the "years" is potentially true (though often highly romanticized; this is usually the case for honor weapons, which are made in limited numbers for the elite samurai caste-members instead of the actual samurai fighting troops), the "million" folds is bullshit. What's more, this is a '''disadvantage''' more than anything, because if a weapon took that much effort to make then having it mass-produced for entire armies is out of the question. While the metal can be folded many times, doing so a million times does not do all that much compared to doing about 20 times. (What's actually going on is the sword has a million ''layers''; folding the sword 20 times gets you 2^20 layers). It's like you're making [[meatbread]], and you're making the end result more awesome by kneading the bread mix for eight weeks. The folding technique is to divide the carbon equally through the metal of the blade; otherwise you end up with metal that's got impurities all over the place. Japanese iron ore is traditionally rather shitty with its carbon content, so if they ''didn't'' do this the katana would not even meet the minimal durability requirements of a practical weapon. This means the folding technique is a '''necessary bother''' rather than some kind of super special awesome secret upgrade. Incidentally, while it is true that Japanese swordsmiths started folding around 1000 AD—having learned the technique from the Chinese—the Celts had been doing it since 700 BC, two millennia earlier. The [[Vikings]] had mastered this technique as well, having allegedly learned it from various Central Asian civilizations, which eventually culminated in the creation of the exquisite Ulfberht swords. By around 1000 AD, Europeans no longer bothered with it, due to improved steel quality, knowledge of metallurgy (importantly how to remove impurities), and the use of the blast furnace which allowed production of large batches of steel. Final twist: literally folding steel a million times will "burn out" all the carbon and leave you with wrought iron; better to fold steel about ten or twenty times so you can keep that lovely carbon.

Another critically important factor that weeaboos tend to ignore is geography/geology. See, the vast majority of iron working cultures lived in tectonically stable areas; this means that most iron comes in the form of "veins", large concentrations of the base metal that is comparatively easy to smelt for further use. In contrast, Japan was and still is tectonically unstable, with substantially higher levels of earthquakes and (admittedly minor) volcanic activity. Except for a VERY small number of locations, most of the iron in Japan comes in the form of "iron sand", pulverized and stirred up by Mother Nature twerking like an idiot. Thus, while the iron in Japan was frequently of decent or better quality, making a sword out of it usually required a shitload more work just to gather up all of that sand and make it stick together into one coherent object that wouldn't just fall apart. This is also the primary reason why katanas usually had a comparatively soft metal core surrounded by a much harder metal edge; in addition to making a better weapon, it's logistically easier in this context to have a bunch of different sources providing whatever iron is available, instead of waiting around on one single source to get enough shit together.

'''''<blockquote>Katanas are thrice as sharp as European swords and thrice as hard for that matter too.</blockquote>'''''

The problem with metal is that the harder the metal is, the more brittle it is, as less ductility means less opportunity for the blade to distribute the force it suffers while striking, via deformation. Thus, since all the striking force is concentrated on that single point alone, with no way to even it out, it's more likely that the metal's integrity will fail to a point where it will simply shatter. It's kind of like punching window glass, which like hard metal is brittle and not ductile, repeatedly; the glass will eventually shatter due to similar reasons.

A hard blade maintains a sharp edge but it chips easily, whereas a soft edge is less sharp but is easier to repair and is overall less brittle. You do not want a sword that is made from very hard metal: the moment you strike something or someone you risk having your sword snap in half, meaning you're screwed. You do not want a very soft sword either: it would pretty much fold in half upon striking a target. Some swords are made to utilize this aspect, and refrain from use STRIKING motions but rather slicing nicks. Even when laminating (layering) the metals you use, you get a weapon that can be of very high quality, but not as extreme as "three times as hard/sharp." Unless you are a [[wizard]], this simply is not possible.

To their credit, the Japanese made use of these qualities by making blades with comparatively thick, softer metal cores surrounded by a thin, very hard metal edge. Any strike that was deeper than a nicking cut would transfer most of the impact to the soft core, reducing the chances of breaking the edge. That being said, the blades were still somewhat fragile; any blade-to-blade contact would likely snap or permanently deform the sword, which is why kendo and other Japanese sword styles teach you to PARRY, not block, with the SIDE of the blade. Furthermore, this technique of using different types and qualities of iron in the same weapon was not at all unique to the Japanese.

Additional consideration: you know what's way sharper than any metal blade? A blade made of glass. They're the go-to choice for cutting ultra-thin anatomical sections for microscopes. But glass isn't used for weapons because it's so brittle. This illustrates the logical extension of the above point, i.e. the sharper you get, the more delicate you get.

There's also another problem with this sentence; namely, the implication that European swords were inadequate. This is actually a misconception derived from the fact that most medieval European swords to survive ''were never intended for battlefield combat in the first place'' (ceremonial and display pieces are more likely to survive since they're meant to be preserved rather than used, while practice swords were generally kept in storage when not in use), so of course they wouldn't be very useful in a real fight. Close analysis of surviving battle swords reveals that they were generally well-balanced and sharp, perfectly suitable for use as weapons of war.

'''''<blockquote>Anything a longsword can cut through, a katana can cut through better. I'm pretty sure a katana could easily bisect a knight wearing full plate with a simple vertical slash.</blockquote>'''''

Unless you have arms like Zangief from Street Fighter or happen to be dæmonically possessed by a [[Chaos|malevolent entity]], you're not going to slice a fully armored [[knight]] in half. Even a heavy battle axe, which is designed for chopping through armor using its massive weight and blade, cannot hope to do this. It will penetrate the plate armor and give the wearer a serious wound with the right amount of force and momentum, but it won't cleave right through the knight in question. Granted, you might slice an arm or a head off with some precision and good momentum since armor on the limbs and neck are usually thinner, or only protected by their mail vests, and the flesh and bone around those parts there are neither as thick nor as dense as the ones found on a torso, but that's about as much dismemberment you get. The same for the katana.

Knights had this tendency to fight from horseback: the footmen were high-paid commoners. You and your two-handed sword don't have the reach nor chopping power. Also, while samurai also fought on horseback, much like knights, they tended to brandish their spears, polearms, and bows first and only resorted to their swords in a duel between enemy leaders or as a sidearm if they happen to lose their long pointy sticks, much like knights. And this is all assuming we're not taking guns into account; by the time katanas were widespread throughout the samurai, black powder firearms were less than a century away.

Even then, you're not going to cut a fully-armored knight in half: disregarding the objections from the guy himself you simply cannot cut through armor like that. This is not you being a pussy: this is physics. Even if you could force your body to move with enough speed and strength to do so you'd probably break your arms or catch fire or something from the strain/energy involved. If you are facing with someone in full plate you'd be better served with a war pick, a hammer or another weapon designed to pierce or otherwise circumvent the armor through brute force. Plate armor is good at keeping swords away—it's what it was designed for. It is true that they could cut through Japanese armors, but that is less the quality of the sword and more about the armor being made of leather in a lamellar pattern.

And lastly, the myth of a single masterwork sword cutting suits of armor in half can be found in '''every steel-working civilization the world over,''' not just Japan.

There is some evidence that certain sword masters could cut (as opposed to simply smashing) through metal armor like chainmail, but if you're that bloody good why the fuck would you waste your weapon on solid steel plate when you could strike for a weak spot like the neck or other joints?

'''''<blockquote>Ever wonder why medieval Europe never bothered conquering Japan? That's right, they were too scared to fight the disciplined Samurai and their katanas of destruction.</blockquote>'''''

Or they were smart enough to avoid the [[Classic Blunder|classic blunder]] of fighting a land war in Asia. Remember that going to war with Japan during this time period would mean trekking across all of mainland Russia and China (which is actually '''way''' worse than it sounds; pre-modern armies relied on transporting food by boat or stealing it from the locals, and the Eurasian Stepp is '''very''' dry and '''very''' sparsely populated) to get to Korea, then building boats and going from there (which, as the Mongols discovered, is not a very smart idea). Not to mention the logistical nightmare or the '''reason''' anyone in Europe would want to do that. An army fights on its stomach, and imagine stretching supply lines that long, making it ever more prone to bandits and other dangers. More to the point, medieval Europe didn't know Japan existed; as far as they were concerned, the Far East was where spices, Mongols, and Muslims came from, and that was about it. Even if they had been aware of Japan, they were too busy dying of the plague, fighting the Muslims for the Holy Land, or fighting each other over stupid bullshit like [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avignon_Papacy where the pope should live] to be interested in leading a war of conquest against a country on the far side of the world.

Also, when the Mongols, Chinese and Koreans were being invaded constantly by Japan, throughout centuries no less, they still easily defeated them on land through use of [[Tau|firearms]] and grenades. Back then, samurai were stupid little fucks who went in front of an army to address their origin and titles blah blah and fought with the other guy samurai with equally unnecessarily flowery armor. Samurai are the warrior-equivalent of marsupials; they developed in isolation and never faced the cultural mosh-pit of Europe and Asia that would have otherwise forced them to adopt more practical methods (i.e., shields). They never had experience fighting a war like it was fought on the main continent; as soon as they came forward to address the Chinese they were laughed at and got a cannonball greeting. The men aren't there to die stupid deaths just for a romanticized line in a novel or a general to [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_K1BdDVvV9Q pin another a medal on his chest]. Because winning the war is hardly the end of it: every man standing and not reduced to a rotting carcass or crip is going home and resuming to be a part of your national production, especially when technology played far less roles than today in improving the overall production. But I digress.

What's more, up until the late 19th and early 20th century, the majority of Japanese "invasions of the mainland" were not invasions at all; they were pirates. While they frequently came out the victors in the sorts of quick-and-dirty skirmishing that are the hallmarks of pirate raids, they very rarely fought anything that could actually be called a WAR against anyone from the mainland.

Plus few people know that ever since their first appearance, samurai actually are shown using huge ass bows from horseback more often than fighting up close, and if they did they often resorted to naginata (halberds) or yari (spears), with the katana being a weapon of last resort. Aside from a few outliers like the Shimazu of the Sengoku era, the vast majority of samurai considered the katana, aside from its spiritual focus, to be just another weapon of war, and frequently not the correct tool for the task at hand. So much for [[weeaboo|katana + samurai fanwank]].

For the samurai the katana was more of a spiritual weapon stemming from Buddhist principles: by mastering the sword one masters oneself. This creates an interesting comparison between how weapons in the West and in Japan are seen: for a knight his arming sword was but a tool, but for a samurai a katana was an extension of the self. This is mostly how it works in Japan though: the nation is not a good example to represent all of Asia or even East Asia. Japan is as the island weirdos as the British are among European countries. Japan is a special case in Asia where militants were always in power (Shogunates). In the mainland, either money or scholarliness earned you a position in society (Imperial Examinations), as it should; a man worshiping a tool that kills would easily have been seen as a barbarous dumbass or bandit. Carrying a sword around would get you arrested for "militant attempt to raise arms to overthrow the authority" just like you would also be today if you were walking around pointing a pistol at people. And after Japan was united and the feudal age ended in the 16th century, peace-time samurai officials became more and more like modern-day office workers; they still carried at least wooden swords for signs of their office.

To further dismiss this katana/Japanese fanwank, after the entirety of the Japanese united during the Edo period, there was a marked decline of the samurai due to Japan not having strife with constant internal warfare, thus the role of the samurai (as said before) has been turned into a more political entity. And with the arrival of firearms... Furthermore, in response on the notion of "Europeans don't want to invade Japan because Samurai=Awesome!", before the First Sino–Japanese war, [[Horus Heresy|Japan has constantly tried to invade/go to war with China]], [[FAIL|but FAILING it in the process, similar to Failbaddon's "Crusades"]]. There was a reason why nobody took the Japanese seriously before 1905 (When they won the Russo-Japanese war, although this isn't saying much as Russia had jack shit military in that area and was being lead by an absolute military asshat), with the [[Eldar|Chinese mocking]]/[[Eldrad|being complete dicks to them]] [[Imperium|and the Europeans looking down at them.]]

With that in mind, neither of them used those swords as their primary battlefield weapon.

'''''<blockquote>Even in World War II, American soldiers targeted the men with the katanas first because their killing power was feared and respected.</blockquote>'''''

Or because they were the enemy leadership and killing them upset the chain of command and demoralized the troops on the ground, on top of their stubborn tendency to march before the grunts they were leading simply because it looked cooler (such things were often top priority in the Imperial Japanese Army, as it was headed by men who would make Boreale cry tears of joy). Unlike Japan, every other major power learned that fighting like pre-[[Death Korps of Krieg|World War I]] style armies were tactically outdated 3 decades ago.

It doesn't take a history professor to know what happened when they are start a [[WAAAGH|BANZAAAAAAIII!!!]] charge. [[Chenkov|With bayoneted rifles with no bullets and ]][[Baneblade|no armor support?]] [[Space Marines|Into the lines of the best-equipped and best-fed army in the world backed by the one of the best industries, equipped with SMGs, standard issue, semi-auto rifles, machine guns and grenades that—surprise, surprise—''don't'' explode the moment you pull the pin?]]

It should also be noted the "military katana" issued for officers at this time weren't too far from a decorative sword given an edge and point, used more for symbolism, scaring their own soldiers, and executions than any practical use in combat.

Furthermore, the best katanas at that time were carved from railroad tracks since the fucking Chinese were blowing up '''every—single—thing''' that the Japanese were thought to get their short, grubby little hands on. These should give you a nice idea of the overall quality of said weapons (read: not very high). Further hilarity includes Chinese Dadao swords (which are like giant meat-cleavers/sabers) LOLstopping Japanese officers with katanas, and sometimes even breaking the damn katana in the process (to further give you the clue on hilarity, the Dadao itself was made from railroad tracks and it was mass produced too, meaning large amounts of Chinese soldiers and militias were equipped with one). That's not even going into the fact that Imperial Japan had the most shitty weapons compared to every other Axis force and even Allied nations.

'''''<blockquote>So what am I saying? Katanas are simply the best sword that the world has ever seen, and thus, require better stats in the d20 system.</blockquote>'''''

They really aren't. They're not ''bad,'' indeed they're really quite good (if you're looking at one made by an actual weaponsmith, and not a troll selling crappy overpriced pot-metal to stupid weeaboos), but they're just not the end-all sharp metal stick that they are hyped to be. They were good for the local needs of the land of their origin, having only to deal with foes with light armor or overly flowery lamellar armor that folded like so much origami when not worn on a body. And we deserve a better system than [[d20]].

Katanes do deserve this, though. Both Chinese and Korean generals, their coastlines suffering from [[Dark Eldar|rampant Japanese pirate raids]], saw merit in katanas and incorporated them in their armories. But its just one weapon among many, since you're still talking to guys who have dual-stage rockets, matchlock rifles, various explosives (including rudimental grenades and mines), flamethrowers and automatons (used in fancy courts as novelty items), so a simple sword is all "meh" to the Chinese/Koreans. It's funny because apparently there was no such thing as "hype" for them: its just a noteworthy weapon that has its uses. Little did they know some weird West-folk (and sadly, most of the populace brainwashed by Hollywood if not just anime) in the 20th century would buy into some fantasy where they would jump at the opportunity to replace entire national armories with only katanas... much to the Chinese's eternal dismay.

One last note: it should be pointed out that a) comparing a katana and an arming sword is like comparing an Imperial Plasma pistol and a T'au pulse pistol, the katana is a weapon wielded by a small elite and a symbol of status, the arming sword is a sidearm worn by everyone and their gran. The fact that the katana is not much more impressive, to say the least, just goes to show that it's not the Best Weapon EVAR its reputation suggests. Also, a bronze sword can cut through steel sheet, that is not impressive.
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLWzH_1eZsc Here's a British fellow talking some more about katanas]

[https://youtu.be/w_3W1zg683A?t=357 Make sure to collect the delicious RAGE tears your weaboo no-friends are going to shed after showing them this.]

TL;DR: some guys took Samurai Jack way too seriously.

==A TWEEST==
[[Image:A_TWEEST.JPG|right|A coupling of two copypasta!]]
[[Category:Copypasta]]
[[Category:Meme]]
[[Category:Weeaboo]]

Dawn of War III

2022-04-23T18:54:45Z

2001:67C:2628:647:12:0:0:234: Removing edit war tag, as it seems to be over.

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''"In darkness'', ''I shall be light'' 
''In times of doubt'', ''I shall keep faith'' 
''In throes of rage'', ''I shall hone my craft'' 
''In vengeance'', ''I shall have no mercy'' 
''In the midst of battle'', ''I shall have no fear'' 
''In the face of death'', ''I shall have no remorse"'' 
- [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_ZgyNoHtjw| The voice in the trailer.]

''" Wot matterz to yoo lot, iz deez gitz givvus a good fight for me, an’ wot matterz to me is; I WANT DAT STICK!!!"'' - Gorgutz

[[File:DoWIII.jpg|thumbnail|right|500px|Skulls for the skull throne!]]
Announced on 3rd of May 2016 and released on April 27nd 2017, '''''Dawn of War III''''' is the third entry in the Dawn of War series.

The game features [[Space Marines]], [[Orks]], and [[Eldar]], along with [[Imperial Guard]] as an NPC race allied with Space Marines and [[Imperial Knight|Imperial Knights]] as playable allied units to the Space Marines. The campaign features all three factions, rotating which faction you're playing every mission [[Dawn of War II#Retribution|rather than having every faction play the same shortened campaign]]. The story features [[Gabriel Angelos]] (sadly with a different voice actor), [[Macha]], and [[Gorgutz]] as they all race to an ancient planet called Acheron which emerges from the warp every couple thousand years and holds an artifact called the Spear of [[Khaine]].

==Plot==
{{spoilers}}
<div class="toccolours mw-collapsible mw-collapsed" style="100%">
Coming back with a new look and much closer to the first game while having elements from the second, the third installment sees the return of some of the more popular characters. Among them [[Gabriel Angelos]], [[Farseer Macha]] and [[Warboss Gorgutz 'Ead 'Unter]] will battle for the planet of Acheron for a powerful weapon known as the Spear of Khaine. Whilst the Eldar and Orks seek to obtain it for its tremendous power, Gabriel seeks to prevent anyone from using it, as it apparently reeks of deceit. More of the plot can be read below.

<div class="mw-collapsible-content">
===Part 1: Verlock Keep and Cyprus Ultima===
Long story short, it begins on the Knight World of Cyprus Ultima being overrun by [[Orks]] led by [[Warboss]] Gitsompa with Varlock Keep being on its last toes against the green tide. [[Heresy|For some reason,]] Inquisitor Holt has prevented further reinforcements from assisting the local Knight house from being overwhelmed. Thankfully for Lady Solaria (The Matriarch of Verlock Keep), <s>Captain</s> [[Chapter Master]] [[Gabriel Angelos]] of the [[Blood Ravens]] ignored the [[Inquisitor|Inquisitor's]] decree and came to assist Lady Solaria's forces. During the fighting, Warboss [[Gorgutz]] led a counter attack to prove that he is the better overall leader then Gitstompa. Unfortunately the [[Eldar]] led by [[Autarch]] Kyre, came on Cyprus to mess everything up which forced Gorgutz to think of some [[Tactical genius|Tactical Genius]] which involves building a giant cannon, sabotage and [[Sindri|Sindri'ing Warboss Gitstompa]] so that Gorgutz would become defacto leader. Meanwhile, the breach in the decree led to Inquisitor Holt feeling all [[Butthurt|butthurt]] about this and tasked Ol'Gabe to defend Starfort Helios which has been overrun by Orks now led by Gorgutz. Both Holt and Gabe talked about the reason behind the starforts, in which they were designed as a barricade against the legendary planet Acheron which houses the legendary 'Spear of [[Khaine]]' in which Holt took great interests in attaining it for himself. As you can imagine, Gabe was quite suspicious over the Inquisitor's ambition and was even more suspicious over the Spear of Khaine whose intuition led Gabe to suspect of it as a [[Chaos|Chaotic corruption]] (Oh, how right he was).

On the other hand of the spectrum, [[Farseer]] [[Macha]] led an Eldar warhost to aid Kyre who he himself is also after the Spear of Khaine. However, Macha is suspicious about Kyre's prophecy as it did not add up to Macha's own divination on what lies beyond Acheron. Macha was tasked by Kyre to kill Gabriel Angelos as he sees the Chapter Master as an obstacle to Kyre's own ambition, however Macha's relationship with Gabriel stretched all the way back [[Tartarus]]. Before she could accomplish this, [[Jonah Orion]] stood in Macha's way. Macha promptly kicked Jonah's ass and threaten to kill him if he did not tell her where <s>Macha's husbando</s> Gabriel Angelos is. However, being the shining beacon of bromance that is Gabe, the Chapter Master came to Macha's location to prevent her from killing his [[Gay|<s>boyfriend</s>]] most trusted [[Librarian]] butt budy. Macha attempted to throw her singing spear, Gabriel remembered that he was wearing terminator armour and singing spears are AP- and so managed to catch the damned weapon with his hands. Macha blasted him with Psychic shenanigans, took a thunder hammer to the face and either passed her Invuln save or benefited from the Eternal Warrior rule. Before they could end their little 'reunion' however, the planet Acheron arrived on the Cyprus system and shattered Starfort Helios, reigning space debris on where they fought (Seriously, Acheron is ECKS BAWKS HUEG, like Gas Giant size). Macha escaped whilst Gabe was left horrified over the fate of [[Chaplain]] [[Apollo Diomedes]] as it was Gabriel who ordered Diomedes to assist the resistance on Helios.

Meanwhile, Gorgutz promptly [[PROMOTIONS|jizzed himself]] with all the loot being crash landed around him due to Helios' demise. Unfortunately, other gitz such as [[Weirdboy]] Zappnoggin and [[Big Mek]] Wazzmakka are fighting over the loot. After Gorgutz promptly bash their heads in and forced them to comply under his leadership, Gorgutz then led on a joyride to Starfort Charon so he could find out what the hell is going on in Acheron. Apparently ''how'' he managed to get onto the Starfort without getting shot down isn't worth worrying about (seriously, he's just there and hopping off a crashed craft without any further explanation). After blowing up the defenses of Charon with nothing more than a bunch of [[Gretchin]] with explosive grenades (seriously, you would think that the defenses of an Imperial Starfort would be a bit more secure), Gorgutz then used the opportunity of the disabled Starfort to land on Acheron without the worry of being blown up. On the other hand, Macha met with [[Ronahn]] to discuss on the potential craziness that is Kyre. Apparently, the reason why Ronahn was here and acting as a secret spy for Kyre was because Kyre [[Derp|somehow got his hands on]] [[Taldeer|Taldeer's]] soulstone due to some altercation with Ronahn. Apparently, Kyre is using Taldeer's prophecy as not only as to stroke Kyre's fragile ego but to also keep his legitimacy stable. Despite the fact that using another [[Craftworld|Craftworld's]] soulstone for nefarious purposes, especially one from [[Ulthwé]] should be enough to send half of the Craftworld's forces to shank Kyre's ass for [[Heresy]], this did not come to pass. After some discussions, Macha, Ronahn and [[Jain Zar]] (Who came to Macha's assistance to stop Kyre's foolish action that would further weakened the Biel-Tan craftworld) all agreed that Kyre's prophecy is nothing more than a steaming pile of [[Bullshit]] and will lead their people to ruin. Unfortunately Jain Zar didn't just tell everyone to stop follow Kyre because she didn't feel like it (yes seriously, she'd rather kill Eldar than that and there's a weak explanation on her trying to get Macha to realize her potential through the conflict) which would have ended the conflict immediately and stopped Eldar from killing each other. So Macha and Ronahn devise a plan to distract Kyre's forces with the aid of Gorgutz so they could sneak around and steal back Taldeer's soulstone instead. Macha and Ronahn also managed to convince Gorgutz to aid them by essentially waving the Spear of Khaine all over Gorgutz like he is some sort of attack dog. So with Gorgutz now in the race to get his 'Super Pointy Stikk', Dawn of War 3 has essentially turned into a Monty Python sketch with all three races bonking each other's heads so they can leap frog each other to get to the Spear first.

===Part 2: Acheron===
On the other side of the theater, Gabe discussed with Captain Balthazar on board the Blood Raven's [[Battlebarge]] to retrieve Diomedes' [[Gene Seed|Gene Seed]] for he fears that he is dead. However, Inquisitor Holt being a shady motherfucking dick, threatened Gabriel not to go to the remains of Helios or else he would shoot Gabe's aircraft out of the sky. This understandably twisted Gabe's nipples to no end and secretly arranged Balthazar to [[Just as Planned|teleport]] Gabe on the remains of Starfort Helios. They agreed and Gabe was transported on the destroyed Starfort. What he saw disturbed Gabe as the remains of both the Starfort and its crew members was [[Grimdark|fused with the structures of Acheron]]. Fearing for the worst, Gabriel along with a group of [[Terminator|Terminators]] proceed to cleanse the area of both Orks and Eldar with sufficient [[Dakka]]. Once Gabriel found where Diomedes is located, to everyone's surprise, Apollo Diomedes has indeed survived due to [[Plot Armor|rolling a 1 on his To Wound/Destroyer roll and escaping unscathed]] (or maybe he just passed every Armour/Invuln save, he was wearing termie armour). After hearing the Inquisitor's actions, Diomedes was understandably [[Rage|pissed as fuck.]] Inquisitor Holt himself was displeased, but more pressing matters was at hand due to everyone wanting to get the Spear of Khaine.

On Acheron, Farseer Macha and her posse sneaked to where Taldeer is resting and proceed to [[Blood Ravens|'borrow it']] for their own uses. However, they were caught and were forced to flee, fortunately they completed their task and Kyre sighed in disappointment. Near the vault shielding the Spear of Khaine, Gabe and friends fought their way to destroy the Eldar. However, Inquisitor Holt decided that if a bunch of enemies are gathered in one spot, you might as well just nuke them and requested an orbital bombardment on the vault. Unfortunately it turns out shooting a door has a chance of blowing it open, which certainly happened and that was near where Gabriel's forces were (though he did at least warn Gabe with more than enough time for the Blood Ravens to flee), so Gabe ordered his brothers to flee and while remaining behind because he knew it would look really cool for the trailer. Apollo Diomedes and even Jonah Orion [[Rage|flipped their shit on the Inquisitor]], with Diomedes swearing he [[RIP AND TEAR|wants to rip Holt's head off and shit down his neck]] and Jonah calling Holt a fucking retard for even requesting orbital bombardment. Holt, feeling the heat of a chapter of pissed off [[Space Marines]] went and plead with Lady Solaria. [[Awesome|Solaria then laid down the sickest burn in the game, calling out Holt's cowardice in not only letting Solaria's house to die by the Ork invasion but also firing orbital bombardment near the position of Gabriel Angelos, she further states that no one would fear the incompetence and idiocy of a 'disgraced Inquisitor' threatening Holt that his ass is grass once she tells Holt's superiors on what he has done.]] Holt later put an ice pack on that burn and cried himself to sleep, but before he did, he told Solaria that Gabe may still be alive and what do you know, Gabriel ''IS'' alive since he watched the bombardment from a distance while taking advantage of that Iron Halo/Cataphractii Terminator re-roll bullshit. Gorgutz was also practically under the blast and he survives due to... [[Plot Armor|he just does.]]

Inside the vault on the true surface of Acheron, Autarch Kyre used Macha's supporters as leverage to draw her out and force her to comply to his will. Unfortunately for him, they were standing on an icy prison keeping a FUCK HUEG [[Greater Daemon]] of [[Khorne]] from escaping (yes, it is yet ''another'' reveal that [[Chaos]] is the ultimate big bad, [[Skub|Que more moaning and bitching that the plot is uninspired)]] and Macha rightly concluded that fighting would only wake it and that something was wrong with the spear. Naturally Kyre didn't listen and after an intense firefight of elf-on-elf violence, Macha then pleaded to Ronahn to let Taldeer's soulstone to be interned in a motherfucking [[Wraithknight]]. Ronahn as you can imagine, hesitated cause he is a good and dutiful brother and would never put his sister into harms way again; the situation however, was dire, thus Ronahn relented and became the co-driver with his sister. During the infighting, Kyre knew he was distracted and continued his campaign to retrieve the Spear. However, bad luck follows Kyre everywhere, and is forced to butt heads with Gorgutz army. These two both battled each other before Kyre won, grabbed the Spear of Khaine and attempt to slay Gorgutz. His plans were slightly hindered when a part of the blade broke and he was liquefied, as it turns out that the Spear was a [[Trap]] designed to spill the blood of the ambitious and greedy and to act as a blood ritual to release the daemon from its prison. Kyre did the 'Oh Shit!' look before ending up like [[Sindri Myr]] as daemon chow.

===Part 3: Tartarus 2, Electric Boogaloo===
With the daemon released, everyone promptly shat bricks. Macha and Taldeer then did a quick divination and found out that the only way to victory is get all three races to unite and spank the daemon to oblivion. Macha, somehow managed to convince Gorgutz to join her cause despite being backstabbed by Ronahn (Or as Gorgutz would like to call him, Ronny) whilst Gabriel has a....somewhat [[Love Can Bloom|intimate chat]] before he himself joined her cause. Unfortunately for Gabe, part of the ritual needed to defeat the daemon was [[Exterminatus|to blow up Acheron]]....[[Herp|with his own Battlebarge.]] Captain Balthazar overheard this and eagerly accepted his fate before [[Angry Marines|pile driving a seemingly fully loaded Battlebarge into the planet's crust]] in a spectacular display of [[Warhammer 40,000 8th edition|needless sacrifice'''s''']].

Seriously, how many Blood Ravens were on the ship? Anyway, the ship blew up the mantle and hurtled the shrine housing the Spear of Khaine into orbit. You would think that the Battlebarge would have just [[Derp|fired its weapons or even have a Cyclonic Torpedo ready,]] but it seems the Imperium has a knack for [[World Engine|wasting expensive ships by]] [[First Tyrannic War|blowing itself up for myriad of reasons.]] On the other hand, Angelos and Balthazar did mention how the Daemon was shielding Acheron and how it took a trio of listening posts to guide the Battlebarge down to the surface; nevertheless, it still is retarded, because the Inquisition normally issues [[Exterminatus]] device approved for [[Chapter Master (game)|Space Marines]] to use by placing it directly on a planet's surface, or use [[Gabriel Angelos|Nemesis weaponry]] to [[Grey Knight|bannish the daemon]] [[Matt Ward|regardless of]] [[Spiritual Liege|his Wounds stats]]; and while it is possible that the Blood Ravens having [[Celestial Lions|bad relationships with the Inquisitor]] would have prevent them from getting one, they didn't even bother to ask and instead killed dozens or hundreds of battle-brothers wile wasting ressources the Blood Ravens can't afford to lose, proving therefore that the staff [[Games Workshop|didn't even know about it]].

All three heroes were teleported onto the shrine (It would be safe to assume that all named elite heroes survived Acheron's destruction) by Macha's help to face the daemon. As explained, the previously seen ECKS BAWKS HUEG daemon the size of a Imperial Cruiser has now shrunk in size to be the same height as any old regular Greater Daemon. In a hilariously bizarre and completely un-Khornate way, the daemon AKA the Storm Prince, [[Wat|spends more time healing itself by literally drinking a fountain of]] [[Lulz|daemon kool-aid]]...[[FAIL|we wish we were joking.]] That and the fact that the daemon used [[Tzeentch|trickery of all things]] to set itself free (Spear of Khaine fiasco, daemonic doppelgangers, etc)...one must wonder how [[Khorne]] might have felt after learning that this jackass along with [[Firaeveus Carron|another failure]] continue to became such staunched followers of the Blood God. During the fight, Gabriel in a completely uncharacteristic way, acknowledged ignoring Macha's warnings back on Tartarus was a mistake which resulted in the devastation of the Blood Ravens in [[Dawn of War 2]], in which Macha in turn, uncharacteristically accepted it; but come on now, we all remember that her warnings were fully aimed at protecting the plot, not making things clear for the Blood Ravens & the Inquisitor on what they ought to do. After kicking the daemon to death, all three heroes departed to go their separate ways with Gorgutz finally getting his 'Super Pointy Stikk'/Spear of Khaine. [[What|Again, this is bizarrely uncharacteristic for all of them as we usually see an Eldar ending up backstabbing the Orks and Space Marines into muderfucking each other instead of simply...you know...keeping their promises. Maybe they decided to wait until their armies could rebuild?]]

Anyway, with the mission done, it is safe to assume that Inquisitor Holt is going to have his [[Anal Circumference|anus enlarged by fifteen meters]] over the shit he has done to Gabe and friends.

All in all, the last few missions was vaguely similar to the plot of the original [[Dawn of War]]. As both games ends with a cataclysmic fight against an agent of [[Chaos]] being freed from a millennia long prison that is disguised as an object of immense power, in which a gullible pawn thinks he can take it for his own benefit, only to be used as a sacrifice to free the daemon in a blood ritual. Both artifacts are seen by Gabriel Angelos to be malicious and needs to be destroyed with Macha warning Gabe about the true nature of both artifacts. The only difference is that Gabe actually listened to Macha for once on Acheron, thus making the ending of Dawn of War 3 more [[Noblebright]] than the original Dawn of War.

Oh yeah, the secret after credits ending depicts none other then the return of the [[Necrons]]. Which would probably be more impressive if the story hadn't pretty much stopped there with no sign of continuing.
</div></div>

==Returning Characters==
===Imperials (Blood Ravens)===
* '''Chapter Master [[Gabriel Angelos]]:''' Returning with a ornate and badass looking set of Terminator Armor. Would be 100% badass if it weren't for the fact that he was capable of inexplicably jumping ([[C.S. Goto|and flipping!]]) several meters off the ground in said Terminator Armor (And the fact that he's no longer voiced by Paul Dobson *sob*). They try and explain this away by linking this ability to his hammer, but considering that Diomedes can do this too and we're not clear on how the hammer does it, it's still stupid. Spends most time battling with the other two factions to prevent them from obtaining the Spear of Khaine, as he suspects it may be corrupted. Some art has him standing at Primarch-grade height. He is loyal and thoughtful of his chapter to the point that he defended his new librarian buddy Jonah Orion from the [[Macha|jealous yandere-virgin]] as well as went against an inquisitor's order to try and give Diomedes last rites when the starfort Diomedes was on crashed into Acheron. Currently having a harem relationship with his librarian buddy Jonah Orion, Farseer Macha and Lady Solaria of the Varlock Imperial Knight house, probably Diomedes too.
* '''Chief Librarian [[Jonah Orion]]:''' Promoted to Chief Librarian after surviving the battle against the chaos corrupted Chapter Master [[Azariah Kyras]]. Now sports a goatee and wearing fancy new armor. Is currently having a bromance relationship with his Chapter Master.
* '''Chaplain [[Apollo Diomedes]]:'''' Returning as a Chaplain in terminator armor (sadly with a different vox box that actually makes him comprehensible). It was never explained why he became a Chaplain after his previous appearance. Must have felt so ashamed about serving a chaos tainted traitor so much that he couldn't bear the mantle of First Company Captain anymore. So now he's a Chaplain, sniffing out taint and making heretics...[[Asmodai|Repent]]. He is now loyal as ever to his chapter, so loyal that he nearly transforms into an [[Angry Marine]] after the stupid-made-manifest known as Inquisitor Damien Holt bombarded their Chapter Master Angelos. Most likely became a Chaplain because he was the one that took it as a job to cleanse the Chapter honor (by splitting the fucking head of his Chapter Master), and even saying at the end of the Retribution campaing that he cant serve the chapter as he was then.

===Eldar (Biel-Tan)===
* '''Farseer [[Macha]]:''' Returning for the first time since the original Dawn of War, and looking (almost) exactly as she's been depicted in /tg/ art for years (other than a fancy hair ornament and wearing more clothes than said average depictions). Ostensibly working for Lord Kyre to get the Spear of Khaine for him, but appears to be suspicious of his real motives for doing so. Is somewhat tsundere with Gabriel Angelos and still pissed about the whole Maledictum thing. (Ultimately they're both at fault. She didn't explain to him why he shouldn't do what he did, but that doesn't preclude him from ''asking'', something we know he's good at, and he says himself he should have listened to her.)

===Eldar (Ulthwe)===
* '''[[Ronahn]]:''' Also reappearing as the leader of a Ranger detachment and Kyre's spymaster, and only marginally less whiny than he was before. After losing Taldeer's soul stone on the way home to Kyre (which he is NOT happy about), he has been trying to recover his <s>waifu's</s> sister's soulstone and bring it back to Ulthwe, and so allies with Macha in a plan to undermine Kyre and get her soul stone back.
* '''[[Taldeer]]:''' Apparently Taldeer's soul stone ended up being salvaged during Retribution, as she reappears as a <s>Wraithseer</s> [[Wraithknight]] with a big fucking sword after said soul stone is taken by Kyre. One of her prophecies as recounted in the trailers seems to refer to the impending conflict over the Spear of Khaine.

===Orks (Bad Moons)===
* '''Warboss [[Gorgutz 'Ead 'Unter]]:''' Returning during his absence after Soulstorm, Gorgutz is back with a bigger and badder power klaw (with a retractable chain, no less). He starts out in the service of another Warboss named Gitstompa, and apparently always planned to Sindri him (though the Eldar unwittingly turn him into the Warboss of the Bad Moons WAAAGH! after they kill Gitstompa, believing that killing him would scatter the Ork horde). He's racing against the other factions for the pointy-stick. At some point gets sort of tricked by Ronahn into fighting a heavily defended Eldar base defending the vaults entrance. Macha told him she wanted the other Eldar dead, and told them they were both trying to get the spear, but Ronahn "forgot" to mention the bit about their entrance being heavily defended, which somewhat makes Gorgutz a dumbass for actually trusting dem sneaky knife ears. In the end Gorgutz is ''technically'' the canon winner because he went away with his "pointy stikk" once the daemon was slain, though they did ''let'' him get away with it and the Spear itself was depowered due to the daemon no longer being inside of it. He’s voiced by Nathan Constance in one of the best 40K voiceover performances ever.

===Others===
* '''Brian Dobson:''' The only VA from the first and second series to return. He voices generic Space Marines, Orks and Eldar.

==New Characters==
===Imperials (Blood Ravens)===
* '''Captain Balthazar:''' A Captain of the Blood Ravens and serves as the mission briefer.

===Imperials (Others)===
* '''Lady Rebek Solaria:''' Head of House Varlock of Cyprus Ultima and pilot of the Imperial Knight, Drakaina. Drakaina is equipped with two avenger cannons that'll deal more damage when heated up. Becomes BFFs with Angelos after he saves Varlock Keep from Orks (against Inquisitor Holt's orders).
* '''Inquisitor Damien Holt:''' An Inquisitor of the Ordo Xenos that seeks the wandering world, Acheron, for the Spear of Khaine. [[Chenkov|He plays the role of asshole cold blooded strategist that gives little regard to his allies like they were pawns in a chess game]] but without any actual strategy to speak of; apparently Relic decided that [[Mordecai Toth|Inquisitor Toth]] from the first Dawn of War and [[Inquisitor Adrastia]] from the second were too sane and reasonable for gamers to handle. The Imperial forces he's working with, Imperial Knights of House Varlock and The Blood Ravens, both hate his guts. The Varlock House hate him for abandoning them to a massive Ork invasion. The Blood Ravens, wary of his obsession with a Warp-tainted xenos artifact, despised the inquisitor for his willingness to waste their battle-brothers' lives for the Spear, which culminated in launching an orbital bombardment on their chapter master Gabriel Angelos to break into the Spear's complex. [[Rage|This made the Blood Ravens so mad]] that Diomedes, the Chaplain, was going to shove a BAAAANEBLADE up the inqisitor's arse only to be stopped by Jonah Orion, who reminds him that they can let the rest of the Inquisition do so later. No relation to [[Commissar Holt]].
* '''Deathwatch Kill-Team Ironmaw:''' They compose of a Dark Angel, a Blood Angel, a Crimson Fist, a [[Ultramarines|Smurf]] and are led by one of everyone's favourite [[Space Wolves|space vikings]]. In multiplayer, the Ultramarine is replaced by a space marine from the chapter you selected via army painter.

===Eldar (Biel-Tan)===
* '''Autarch Kyre:''' Leader of the Biel-Tan warhost and seeks to obtain the Spear of Khaine. The asshole that led even more Eldar to die in a pointless campaign for some legendary shiny (not to mention him ignoring the Soulstones of his fallen warriors instead of collecting them, which should tell just how asshole he is), and stole Taldeer's Soulstone for good measure (which Macha and Ronahn both note could very well lead to a war between their Craftworld should Ulthwe learn about it). He hired Ronahn as his spymaster only to be betrayed by him. He still got the spear in the end, after fighting Gorgutz for it and cheated using psyker power. Turns out the spear contained a greater daemon of khorne and was possessed by it, after the spear itself shattered as Kyre tried to strike Gorgutz with it... [[Castellan Crowe|which is just weird]], even for a plot device, because daemon weapons are empowered by the daemon's presence, not structurally weakened by it. So arrogant that even the other Eldar can't stand him.
* '''[[Jain Zar]]:''' Phoenix Lord (Lady?) of the Howling Banshees and the first of the Phoenix Lords to be featured in a video game adaptation (Granted, she's also in Eternal Crusade, but has yet to fully appear in that game). Has seen Acheron before and that Eldar have been fighting over the spear for millennia. None so far has succeeded in recovering it.

===Orks (Bad Moons)===
* '''Wazzmakka:''' Da most byotiful Big Mek dere is. He dont call her beauty for er' looks! Very fond of tellyportas.
* '''Zappnoggin:''' A Weirdboy who sounds surprisingly sane-ish for an ork whose head can explode at any time. Has rather un-orky ideas about not getting into fights that he can't win, which he says has let him live a long time (by Ork standards, anyway).

==Differences and New Things==
The game attempts to blend the best parts of the first two, featuring base building and massive armies alongside summonable elite units who can sway the course of battle. The game also features doctrines similar to those from [[/v/|Company of Heroes 2]]. Like in Company of Heroes 2, you may take up to three Doctrines, with some being connected to specific elite units. The Doctrines either unlock abilities for specific units or upgrade the existing abilities of others (like upgrading the Dreadnoughts to gain charge attacks and shields after executing slam attacks, giving Dire Avengers Holo-Fields, or giving Deffkoptas Buzzsaws). Relic's aim was to make their latest game the most accessible, including features such as a minimalistic UI, icons to represent effects like suppression, and easy-to-read descriptors for most abilities. It is the first Dawn of War game to only feature three factions at launch rather than four, though the included factions do have more units available at launch than they did in previous titles.

Another change is the new cast of voice actors (whom according to the developers comprise of VA's from their previous title [[Warhammer 40,000: Space Marine]]). This has been met with some amount of [[rage]] from fans, most notably those who wished for the return of Paul Dobson as Angelos.

Armies are now divided into standard soldiers (things like [[Tactical Squad|Tactical Marines]], [[Dire Avengers]], and [[Ork Boy|Boyz]] as well as vehicles) and elites (which includes the likes of named characters, [[Terminators]], and Imperial Knights). The former act like standard RTS units, performing most of the legwork as well as adding bulk to your army, while the latter are more powerful units with abilities that can change the tide of battle. <s>In both campaign and multiplayer, players collect said elites by farming skulls (no, we're not kidding. [[RAGE|all three factions are Khornate for some reason]])</s> Not anymore, skulls have been removed. Everyone has access to all Elites and doctrines from the get-go (save for those that are unlocked by leveling up elites). Elite units can level up based on how many enemies they killed during each game, though these level-ups don't improve them in any way, they just unlock exotic paints and new skins. Among them there are really powerful units that are showing up for the first time in the series (such as [[Imperial Knight|Imperial Knights]], [[Wraithknight|Wraithknights]], and [[Gorkanaut|Gorkanauts]]). At the very least, the presence of troop units to back up the elites could mean that the rest of the Blood Ravens 4th Company might actually be getting off their asses and doing something this time around.

As mentioned previously, the campaign switches between [[Blood Ravens]], [[Orks]], and [[Eldar]] every mission. While the attempt to incorporate all three factions is appreciated, and it is marginally better than Retribution's approach, the constant switching between three vastly different playstyles can be very jarring.

Markedly absent is a sequel/expansion of Dawn of War II's [[Last Stand]] mode which, given that Last Stand was popular enough to become its own standalone spinoff product, is likely a deliberate omission. Thus far small fan interest exists in seeing Last Stand return.

==Pre-Release Reactions==
The [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7JNTfrK3Yk 12 minute exclusive gameplay] released shortly after the trailer drew quite a lot of [[Skub|ire.]] With many complaining on the way it looks (having a cleaner, more colorful aesthetic in comparison to previous titles) with rumors that the team developing Dawn of War III was trying to piggyback [[Blizzard|Starcraft]] [[RAGE|of all games]] to the animation lacking the weight and grit of the previous Dawn of War games. Special mentions go to the fighting style animations of [[Gabriel Angelos|old Gabe]] [[What|whose sudden usage of backflips, frontflips and jumping like a 5 ton ballerina on crack]] [[Fail|despite wearing terminator armor]] [[RAGE|drew accusations that one of the lead creators of this game]] [[C.S. Goto|might be a small, black leprechaun with a fetish of Multilasers and backflipping Terminators.]] Hell, the goddamn Lascannons don't fire a [[Indrick Boreale|quick, charged, devastating single shot]] but instead its a [[lance|laser weapon that does more damage the longer it's trained on its target]].

Later interviews and bits of information released did little to ease the [[Skub|ire.]] Including the lead director confirming that sync-kills have been removed, Assault Marines being considered [[What|"light armor"]] units, the dynamic movement system introduced in II being removed, and fall back mechanics are also gone. At this point from a community standpoint, you were either absolutely behind these changes, or were watching something your were previously looking forward to turn into an absolute shitshow; with very little middle ground to be found. And it really doesn't help that their methods of explaining away some of the lore breaking shit seems to come directly from our [[C.S. Goto|good old friend]]. Notably they tried to explain the backflipping Terminator armor by saying that [[What|his hammer has a shard of an Avatar in it]]. This also happened to be an idea made by the Irish leper, and even if it was canon the developers never mentioned what this actually did to give Angelos the ability to backflip, making this move look like a hand-wave to shut the fans up.

Reactions to the beta did little to assuage the divide in the community. Some, like AngryJoe, thoroughly enjoyed it, while others, like TotalBiscuit, seemed to be completely turned off by it.

Voice Acting has taken a big change, with Relic opting to go for an all British cast (except for Brian Dobson) rather than using their stable of Ocean Group VAs from previous titles. The rationale behind this is that having British voice actors makes the game more authentic to 40K's British roots, and totally not because of the ongoing voice actors strike against major video game publishers in North America that Sega, and thus Relic, isn't affected by anyway.

==Post-Release==
After the game was released, the reception was [[Skub|mixed]] to say the least. Those who like the game say that the traditional "build and conquer" RTS campaign is a refreshing change for those who didn't like Dawn of War II's [[Diablo]]-style campaign, and while Paul Dobson is sorely missed, the rest of the voice cast isn't too bad. The Elites system is a natural progression from Dawn of War II, and the Ork's [[WAAAGH]]! mechanic is one of the best things ever put into a Dawn of War game. Additionally, they point out that while the power core mode is too simple, it does give a good introduction to the RTS genre for those who are brand new rather than just throwing them to the wolves like other games.

Those who don't like the game are of the opinion that Relic under Sega gutted what made Dawn of War popular in the first place and turned it into something uninspired and boring by comparison, as it simplified or stripped out many of the iconic elements of the series, such as sync-kills, the cover system and wargear. Many who liked the Dawn of War II campaign aren't fans of a more traditional RTS campaign, and some also feel that the races play too similarly aside from one or two gimmick mechanics. The game also has multiple lore inconsistencies, such as Eldar with shields and [[C.S. Goto|backflipping Terminators]], although to be fair, [[Dawn of War: Soulstorm|it isn't alone]] [[Azariah_Kyras|in this respect]]. Basically, [[Age of Sigmar|Relic significantly altered their popular product to attract a wider audience, and ended up alienating a large portion of their established fanbase. Besides that, the changes they made aren't attractive to a wider audience anyway.]] Heck, honestly, the game just looks boring. If you watch gameplay footage of Dawn of War and Dawn of War II, you really get sucked into it and time flies. If you watch gameplay footage of DoW III, you get bored in a minute or two, annoyed in five, and then leave and never want to see it again.

The decision to focus on simplification and balance in multiplayer was likely an intentional design choice considering the dev teams wanted Dawn of War to develop a competitive scene (seemingly ignoring the fact that people never really picked up Dawn of War for competitive multiplayer). However, unlike good competitive games like Starcraft, Counterstrike, and DOTA, Power Core mode did it in a very simplistic manner that made it feel like the "strategy" part of RTS had been all but sucked out.

Sales-wise, the game didn't do well in comparison to its predecessors. While the original [[Dawn of War]] has sold over 6 million copies since 2011 and the was heralded with critical acclaim upon release, and [[Dawn of War II]] took the #1 spot on western sales charts during its initial release; Dawn of War III didn't raise too much attention apart from standard fanfare, with a [[Skub|mixed response from the community]], and game critics saying it was good, but ultimately [[FAIL|flawed]]. According to [https://steamspy.com/app/285190 Steamspy's estimates], the game's digital sales barely broke a quarter million sales as of July 2017, which is not a good sign for a highly anticipated AAA game series.

[http://steamcharts.com/app/285190#All It didn't help that the playerbase declined sharply post-release], a clear sign that it just didn't make the impact people expected from the series. [http://steamcommunity.com/games/dawnofwar/announcements/detail/1332350869595289198 While Relic seemed to be listening to the community's concerns,] the game was never able to recover from its downward spiral. This being said, they released mod tools, and a small but dedicated group of modders have been working on tweaking the game and adding new units.

Overall, the game is [[skub]] incarnate, being nearly unrecognizable in comparison to its predecessors. [[Nurgle|One side hates it for being too overly simple for a strategy game and deviating too far from the things that defined DoW from the beginning,]] [[Tzeentch|while another side likes it for trying something new and attempting to breathe some much-needed fresh air into the franchise.]]

[[File:DoW3 Annihilation.jpg|300px|right|thumb]]
===The Annihilation Update===
On June 13th 2017, [http://steamcommunity.com/games/dawnofwar/announcements/detail/1332350869595289198 Relic announced the addition of Annihilation mode to the game], along with turrets, a new map, and skins for the super-heavies as Free-LC. On June 20th, [http://steamcommunity.com/games/dawnofwar/announcements/detail/2663165213085204247 the Annihilation Update dropped] and, it was actually pretty good. The removal of railroady objectives and the addition of a wide open map added a significant amount of depth to the game that was previously lacking, allowing players to take advantage of several mechanics that were previously hamstrung by power core mode. By this point however, too much of the player base had been alienated by power core mode and they weren't willing to come back and give the game another go, so the player count kept declining.

[[File:DoW3 Endless War.jpg|300px|right|thumb]]
===The Endless War Update===
On October 19th 2017, Relic released the [http://steamcommunity.com/games/dawnofwar/announcements/detail/2973925069475244397 Endless War Update], which added a bunch of additional content to the game. For starters, each faction has been given an additional Elites choice; the [[Dreadnought#Castraferrum_Pattern|Ironclad Dreadnought]] for Space Marines, the [[Wraithseer]] for Eldar, and the Lifta-Droppa Battlewagon for the Orks, which is basically a [[Awesome|Battlewagon armed with a massive Traktor Kannon]]. We also got three new maps, one themed for each faction, and some more Elites skins, including [[Deathwing]] Terminators, a [[Primaris Chaplain]], and [[Salamanders|Bray'arth Ashmantle]].

==The End Times Hath Come==
On February 8th 2018, [http://www.eurogamer.net/articles/2018-02-08-relic-leaves-dawn-of-war-3-behind-as-it-moves-on-to-new-projects Relic announced they were officially stepping away from Dawn of War III], citing low player counts as the chief reason.

While Dawn of War 3 has a dedicated player base, it didn't hit the targets we were expecting at launch, and it hasn't performed the way we had hoped since. It's been tough for us as professionals who want to make great games for our players, and for us as people who care a lot about what we do. When a game underperforms, plans need to change. With Dawn of War 3, we simply don't have the foundation we need to produce major content. We're working in close partnership with Sega and Games Workshop to determine the best course of action, while shifting focus to other projects within our portfolio.

Given this, the [https://community.dawnofwar.com/discussion/15957/patch-upload-as-of-05-feb-2018 February 8th patch] was likely just Relic releasing whatever work they'd finished on the proposed expansion and fixing a couple remaining bugs before bidding the game farewell. With Relic now focusing primarily on Age of Empires IV, Dawn of War III has potentially become a Franchise Killer, though Relic and Sega are apparently in talks with [[Games Workshop|GW]], so time will tell. It should be noted that while Relic has no plans to produce major content, they are still patching and maintaining the game as well as putting out occasional Free-LC skins.

===What went wrong?===

''Dawn of War III'' suffered pretty terribly from Relic basically having lost all the staff who made the original two ''Dawn of War games'' in the intervening years and had to be replaced by a bunch of people less familiar with the genre or the expectations of the series. Like a lot of companies, the focus on the brand name obscures the fact that few people actually remain with a company over a long period of time, especially when Relic transferred over to Sega after THQ bit the dust and a lot of Relic's former talent left the studio with the collapse of their former publisher. This more than anything, hit the development cycle of ''Dawn of War III'' pretty hard, as well as a confused set of developmental priorities and the loss of the people who gave the previous two games their strong art direction, leading to a much less eye-catching aesthetic. While not an Aliens: Colonial Marines scale disaster in terms of development cycle, ''Dawn of War III'' was in many ways hamstrung before it ever left the gate.

There were clearly a lot of interesting and good ideas, there was the potential for a great traditional base-building RTS game to revive a genre many publishers regard as no longer worth major investment into. It's just that the execution was left in less-than-capable hands, revolving around a brand they weren't ready to bear the burden of. ''Dawn of War III'''s failure hurts not because it's irredeemably bad, but because beneath all the many horrible flaws is a lot of wasted or unrealised potential for something that could have been as good or better than its predecessors. All it needed was that same strong sense of direction they had so that it wouldn't end up as a confused mess thrown together by a relatively inexperienced team under corporate mandate to get ''something'' out for early 2017 on the PC market, while the golden child of Creative Assembly was still putting ''Total War: Warhammer II'' together.

===Dawn of War III Is Dead! Long Live Dawn of War III!===
After Relic announced they were stepping away from the game, a small community of fans and modders tried rallying together in an attempt to resurrect ''Dawn of War III'' through Twitch streams, community game nights, and new mods. The goal was to generate enough interest to get Relic to return to the game, or at least release more mod tools so the fans could pick up where they left off. Although ''Dawn of War III'' remains a mostly-dead game, there's still a dedicated [https://discord.gg/qtJYAd ''Dawn of War III'' Discord server] which hosts regular community game nights. If you still want to play online, this is the best way to do it.

== See Also ==
* [https://www.dawnofwar.com/ The Official Dawn of War site]
* [http://store.steampowered.com/app/285190/Warhammer_40000_Dawn_of_War_III/ Dawn of War III on Steam]
* [http://modding.dawnofwar.com/ Want to make a mod for the game? Start here.]
* [[Dawn of War Mods#Dawn of War III Modding|The list of /tg/-approved mods]]
* [https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLyLLeKcxw24U2fT8iOowRbzBHsulCAizV The game's soundtrack, which also includes a clean version of the trailer theme]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D6lUjVLPU04 WAAAAAAAAAGHH!!]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PfEp-ZuwiGE&t Totalbiscuit's review of the game, which highlights a number of problems from the perspective of someone who enjoyed the previous two titles.]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3OCWQelkjBg ZoranTheBear and ThunderPsyker's overview of the game, offering the opinions of a newcomer to the franchise and a veteran, respectively]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPDTt_GOdyY Adam Millard's analysis of why the game failed. He does an excellent job discussing the issues of Dawn of War III while remaining fairly neutral and analytical.]
* [https://steamdb.info/app/285190/graphs/ Here are the game sales stats]
* [https://discord.gg/qtJYAd The Dawn of War III Discord Server]

==Gallery==
<center>
<gallery>
Image:Don'tWorryDieHappy.gif|Don't Worry, Die Happy
Image:DoW3 Menu.jpg|The Main Menu, which shows the elites and paint scheme you currently have equipped.
Image:DoW3 Army Painter.jpg|The Army Painter
Image:DoW3 Elites Menu.jpg|The Elites Menu
Image:This has been dark work.PNG|[https://youtu.be/CjnvZtYl2fA?t=20s One fan's reaction] [http://steamcommunity.com/games/dawnofwar/announcements/detail/2316393822047631108 to the announcement of incoming modding tools]
Image:PrimarisAngelos.png|The [[Blood_Ravens#Bloody_Magpies|REAL reason]] for Gabriel Angelos' [[Primaris Marines|changes]] (the Godsplitter bullshit is just what they tell other loyalists who [[Inquisition|get too nosy]])
File:RetributionGabriel.JPG | Gabriel's Cut Original Model found Within Dawn of War III World Builder.
File:StandardofKaurava.JPG | Wargear Found in Dawn of War II Chaos Rising showing that relic did indeed plan for Gorgutz to win Soulstorm.
</gallery>
</center>

[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Video Games]][[Category:Dawn of War]]

Burning Blades

2022-04-23T18:54:12Z

2001:67C:2628:647:12:0:0:234: Removing edit war tag, as it seems to be over.

{{Infobox Spess Mahreen Chapter
|Name = Burning Blades
|Heraldry = [[File: Ceremonial_Burning_Blades_Badge.png|140px]]
|Battle Cry = "Burn, for the flames of wrath shall fall upon you!"
|Number = Presumably II
|Founding = [[First Founding]]
|Successors of = N/A
|Successor Chapters = None
|Chapter Master = Aramis
|Primarch = Blaze
|Homeworld = Riuula
|Specialty = Setting dual swords on fire and charging things
|Strength = Slightly over 1000 (1 Veteran Company, 8 Battle Companies and a Scout Company
|Allegiance = [[Imperium of Man]]
|Colours = Bright Silver, Cyan trims and gold decorations}}

The '''Burning Blades''' is the result when a fa/tg/uy decides to create his own custom Space Marine Chapter, that has a Primarch, without realising that people look down on it. Essentially, they're Space Marines that love fire, swords, charging things, and are prepared to sacrifice themselves and face impossible odds to ensure victory. Their Primarch, known only as 'Blaze' was brought up on a death world, the northern hemisphere was a tropical jungle, and the southern hemisphere was a barren desert.

==The Chapter==
The Burning Blades have no original recorded home world, and instead, currently have a fortress-monastery on the tropical death-world Riuula. Riuula is slightly comparable to [[Catachan]], minus the massive man-eating flora, instead having a larger (and slightly less aggressive) population of animals. Most of the people on the world have learned to live along-side the animals, and there are relatively few signs of war, conflict or rebellion on the planet. Every couple of years or so, unfortunately, the Orks, seeing the planet as an opportunistic planet to strip for resources, launch raids on the planet, only to be mostly over-run by the warrior-people. The Burning Blades themselves do not have much pride in being a Space Marine, rather seeing their position as one of a sacrifice for the betterment of the galaxy. Since after their arrival, the Astartes have been teaching the local population about honour and sword fighting, and this has lead to almost every battle-brother in the Chapter able to wield a sword, at least, and the more skilled ones use two swords. The planet is often subjected to terrible rain-storms, and the vast seas in the planet can also cause tsunamis, some of which have swept away entire villages. As such, the Burning Blades are reputed as being quick-thinking, and daring in their attempts to succeed. Mostly adopting the idea of 'act first, ask questions later' has lead to some brothers being quite rash and reckless in their decisions. They are also known for their innate love of fire and heat, and deep, intense hatred of the cold. While their love of fire is nowhere near as fanatical as that of the [[Salamanders]], they can still take large amounts of heat-based punishments. Their hatred for the cold, and ice, however, has seen the Chapter falter in battle many times, as their devotion to their task of protecting the common people, and never backing down or surrendering, is stronger than their hate of the cold. During their free time, the Burning Blades like to enjoy a wide variety of activities, including, but not limited to:
-Painting artworks that praise the Emperor, sometimes depicting a victory over heretics and xenos
-Forging masterwork swords
-Practicing at the sparring rooms of firing range
-Spending time with their fellow battle brothers at the hot saunas
-Neatly and intricately decorating their armour and weapons
They are quite obsessed with their armour and weapons, and as such, decorate the weapon, sing litanies of praise both to the Omnissiah and the Emprah, and they possess very many relics and suits of artificer armour as a result. In fact, most of the Veterans have earned the nick-name of 'Shinies' amongst fresh neophytes, for their armour gleams from so many decorations.

==The Burning Blades==

The Burning Blades, however troubled their history may have been, have been known for their acts of extreme heroism, never backing down from impossible odds. Originally cast aside by the High Lords of Terra, they were eventually re-sanctified, in the utmost secrecy. To other Chapters, the Burning Blades are just another Chapter.
Created during the First Founding, the Burning Blades operated in isolation from other Chapters. Even though they were isolated, and were running at under-optimal strength, their conquests were in no way inferior to those from other Legions. They had a very unique genetic quirk, either taking extreme joy in blasting the enemy with heavy weaponry, assailing them with bullets from their holy Bolter, or close combat weaponry. There is no middle, and their skills in close combat are exemplary. Once reunited with their Primarch, only known by the codename ‘Blaze’ the fires of spirits within the Astartes burned ever brighter. Taught in the ways of an ancient combat style taught to ‘Blaze’ on his homeworld, the close combat prowess of the Burning Blades increased two-fold.

‘Blaze’ was a resolute person, unyielding in his tasks, his spiritual and physical resilience inspiring the Battle-Brothers. His return sparked a new era for the Astartes. As ‘Blaze’ brought with him the cultures taught to him on his homeworld, the Burning Blades became ever more aggressive in their battles, and the fighting style that ‘Blaze’ brought with him was taught to all Sergeants and Veterans. It specialised in dual-wielding, with special fighting techniques that further enhanced the deadliness of a duel-wielding Burning Blade.

Unfortunately, before the Horus Heresy, another legion, their name lost, betrayed and attacked the Burning Blades. Pledging themselves to Khorne, the Traitors, known only as the Bloodied Shards, were the product of hubris. Believing themselves to be far superior to other Space Marines, they refused to bow down the Emperor, instead raising banners and acting rituals to please their dark god. The Burning Blades quickly responded, dispatching vast strike forces in an attempt to stop the Traitors. After massive, horrifying battles, the Traitors were forced to flee, but at a dear cost to the Burning Blades. It is unknown exactly what happened on the fateful battle at Aevis, but of the 15000 Astartes sent to the battle, less than 2000 boarded the flagship, Undying Flame, and their beloved Primarch was no where to be seen. Strangely, many weapons, Evaryn, and the shards of Xenosious, were recovered over many years after the battle.

==Fractured Legion==
Records indicate that after they received the message to retreat from the battle, the survivors fell back to their flagship, Undying Flame. The Traitors, realising that their prey would escape from their dark grip, initially bombarded the planet’s surface, not caring whether or not their own brothers were slain. When the Burning Blades boarded their ship, they opened fire with all of their guns, severely damaging it. They were unable to find a stable path through the Warp, and in a bid to escape, attempted to do a Warp jump regardless of where it would take them. This would prove a dreadful choice for them. Tired, wounded, undermanned, and with over half their ammunition depleted, they were horrified to find themselves trapped within the Warp. For half a century, the remaining Astartes had to fight for their lives, constantly fighting off daemons. They suffered horrific casualties at the hands of the servants of the Dark Gods. They removed their old iconography, and replaced it with the fire tear. It was said that while the Blaze watched his sons get slaughtered, he shed a single, flaming tear, and told his sons with him, that should they mourn the death of their comrades, that they show it by painting the fire tear over their old Chapter symbol. The only members that were permitted to keep the old icon was his Heaven Guard, of which only 3 would survive the trials to come. Time is not a concrete concept in the Warp, and with their communication systems offline, they were unable to receive news about the Siege of Terra, or the Horus Heresy at large. Due to this, they also fought battles against the other Traitor Legions. Once they returned to real-space, the survivors numbered under 800. They returned shortly after the Second Founding, and although the High Lords were suspicious of their origins, they were allowed to be secretly re-sanctified. Their founding was recorded as Second Founding, and their parent Chapter was the Ultramarines. Compiler Atreax notes that 23 Ultramarines Successor Chapters, they most were failed to be named. This discrepancy allowed the broken legion to reform, and pass as just another Chapter, unseen, and untroubled by outsiders. The Chapter would wait nearly half a century before it was able to engage in company-strength battles. Many engagements within the warp would also help the Burning Blades in their initial battles. While in the warp, they would attempt to make planet fall, then start to tend to their broken ship, while attempting to repair any of their equipment, and trying to gain a psychic connection with Terra. The planet fall strike would be comprised of mass drop-pod landings, accompanied by jump pack equipped battle-brothers. Once down, they would be confined to attempting to hold the area, rather than go on offensive attacks on the opposition. It would not be long before the foreign activity would draw the attention of daemons, and many attacks were launched against the Astartes. Many losses ensued, and they would retreat, leave the planet, and attempt to keep searching. Failure after failure at attempting to contact Terra led the Burning Blades, seeing their destruction as inevitable, to launch a crusade on every daemon world they came across. Only the purest of heart were chosen for this heart, even after extensive examination by the Chaplain and a Librarian, every Astartes were to be constantly examined for any Chaotic taint, before and after the engagement. Whether it was by sheer willpower on their behalf, or the Will of the Emperor, no Astartes was ever found to have a Chaotic taint, which was praised as a miracle.

==Troubled Past==
Once the Astartes returned to real-space, they were eventually hit with the realisation that with their Primarch lost, their numbers depleted, failure to find new recruits and train them in the cultures of the Chapter would spell doom for them. Fortunately, for being extended combat for so long, they had a vast number of Veterans, and extremely experienced Captains. New recruits were to be trained by the best the Chapter could provide. However, most of their equipment was worn and damaged, and their ammunition storage were all but depleted, due to their extended period crusading in the Warp. For quite some time, bolt ammunition was rationed scarcely, and bladed weapons became ever more common. Techmarines became an increasingly rare sight in battle, as nearly all the Techmarines were pre-occupied attempting to repair all the broken equipment. Damaged tanks would have to wait periods of time before being serviced, and properly manned and maintained vehicles became rarer. To counter-act this, they would send larger numbers of aspirants to train with the Mechanicus, which had a strain on their battle capacity. After a full century, all the equipment in the Chapter was at combat-ready standards, and the companies were receiving a steady influx of battle-ready Astartes. This was not to say, however, that they were proud of their situation. They had failed to see the signs of corruption in their fellow Legion, had failed to warn the Imperium about the possibility of Astartes being corrupted, and one of the biggest blows, lost their Primarch. Eventually, all the brothers in the Chapter had removed their old icon, and replaced it with the fire tear, to show their mourning. What hurt them even more was to see all the corrupted Astartes during their time in the Warp. They knew of the other Legions, even though they did not of them, and to see their old iconography defaced and defiled, replaced with sick symbols of Chaos, further strengthened their hatred of the Ruinous Powers. Librarians would wake with horrible hallucinations of the Siege of Terra, even though they were not present, the psychic signal would still reverberate within the psychic world.

==Gene-seed==
The gene-seed of the Burning Blades is quite unusual. Most of the gene-seed has no effect on their physical appearance whatsoever, as their skin is already dark and tanned from extended exposure to the tropical sun and further exposure to heat and flame. In fact, they actually suffer from a gene-seed defect: they are smaller and weaker than other Astartes. What they lack in size and strength, however, they make up for with incredible willpower, and it is said that not a single Burning Blades Astartes has ever fallen to the Ruinous Powers. They are also extremely stubborn, to the point where some would disregard orders from superiors, and refer to the order as a 'guideline.'

They also possess some psychic strength, and every Astartes is able to throw a small fireball with slightly less strength than a bolt pistol. As this presence is not strong enough to attract daemons, they do not have as hard a rigorous training process as [[Librarians]]. The light training process often means that he will not have enough skill to throw sustained bursts, tiring the Astartes very quickly. To counteract this, they found that gold, when placed straight over the body gloves at the hands, allows him to shoot small bursts.

==Differences Between Codex-Adherent Chapters==
'''Staff Titles'''
'''Chapter Master''' -called a 'Grand Prometheal'

'''Librarians''' -Called Flameweavers, except this is done exclusively within the Chapter, as to not raise suspicion amongst other Chapters. They earned the title for their exceptional mastery in the Pyromancy discipline, often weaving the psychic fire into beautiful shapes.

'''Vanguard Veterans''' -Nicknamed 'Fire Dancers' after First Captain Ulmann's finesse in jump-pack assaults during and before the Battle of Aevis. He was renowned, and praised by Blaze, for his proficiency in combat tactics, and the sword-fighting skills he taught his pupils was just as impressive. After his death, the Chapter continues to teach the Vanguard Veterans his combat style. Those squads that have trained extensively in these arts have a special sign painted onto their armour- 'The Mark of the Fire Dancers'

'''Honour Guard''' -The Burning Blades call their honour guard the 'Heaven Guard' who use wrist-mounted boltguns, which are nearly identical in design to that from the Blood Angels. They always employ the usage of jump packs, and wield master-crafted relic blades, known as Empyreal Swords. The swords are created from an alloy similar to that of Evaryn, and it uses a similar mechanic that allows the blade to ignite with ethereal flame

'''Organisation'''
1st Company -The 1st Company of the Burning Blades has 100 Battle Brothers, in addition to the command squad, company Chaplain and Captain Kieran. Due to their abstinence from extensive usage of Terminator Armour, the company is able to maintain 100 suits of Terminator Armour, some of which have never seen combat.

'''Battle Companies''' -Battle Companies of the Burning Blades maintain 5 Tactical Squads, 3 Assault Squads and 2 Devastator Squads. Devastator Squads in the Chapter are permitted to carry up to 9 Heavy Weapons

'''Reserve Companies''' -The Burning Blades only maintain 3 reserve companies, the 5th, 8th and 9th companies

Scout Company -The scouts in the 10th Company are split almost evenly in half. Instead of the usual 10 squads, there are two divisions, the sniper division, and the assault division, and the company is controlled by 2 captains, instead of one. The sniper division is lead by Captain Samuke, unparalleled sniper, and celebrated for his tactical brilliance. The assault division of the Chapter specialises in anything from holding objectives, to leading daring raids and attacks against enemy forces. They are lead by Captain Tobyi, renowned for his bravery and ability to traverse all terrain.

'''Training'''
'''Aspirants-''' Possible Burning Blades aspirants are given a single task; to go out, into the jungles of Riuula, slay one of the many large beasts wondering the jungle, and take it to a shrine at the top of one of the mountains. Given nothing except for two daggers, and enough rations to last a week, it is a very gruelling task. Some very promising aspirants have entered the shrine, wearing cloaks made from the skins of fallen prey. These are early sign that the Aspirants will be very successful.

'''Neophytes-''' taken into the fortress-monastery, the aspirants are given their first implants. Once they begin to develop, they are inducted into the scout company, after extensive consultations with the Chaplains and Librarians, both to delve into their minds, searching for possible corruptions or otherwise, and to ensure that they will be successful Marines. Once they are inducted into the scout company, they are given training in the weapons of the Space Marines, then they are let loose onto the wild once more. This time, they will be carrying some Space Marines weapons with them, and organised into makeshift squads, to test their weapon, leadership and battlefield skills. During this time, their preferred form of combat becomes more prevalent. Ones that are more reclusive, and more rational (by Burning Blades standards) are often inducted into the sniper division, and those that are brave, courageous and quick-thinking are inducted into the assault division. Usage of sniper rifles are often frowned upon by the more assault-orientated brothers, believing that true honour is earned in face-to-face combat. However, the wise commander will never eschew the usage of the powerful weapons

'''Full Battle Brothers-''' once the Neophyte has waged war as a scout, they are then examined and tested again by Chaplains and Librarians. Once deemed clear, they are blessed with their power armour, and inducted into a Tactical Squad in one of the reserve companies. More signs of development will show, as some will often be charging head-on into melee, while others are more cautious of such actions. The assault-orientated brothers will be then inducted into an assault squad, and the other, more disciplined Astartes will stay in the Tactical Squads. Some battle brothers show high preference for heavy weapons, and will be inducted into a Devastator Squad. Keeping the same Marines in the same squads as they were while training as Neophytes is prioritised, to increase the bonds of brotherhood and fighting through battle together.

"Devastator Squad-" the more destructive brothers will often be inducted into a Devastator Squad after serving in a Tactical squad. Minus the Sergeant, each of the 9 Marines in the squad are able to carry heavy weapons. Side effect of all the battle in the Warp was that heavy weaponry saw less use, as the broken legion had simply lost the capacity to keep producing munitions for their guns. Once they returned to realspace, Techmarines of the Chapter were given the task of refurbishing the heavy weaponry, most of which had not seen battle beyond a few planet landings.

"Assault Squad-" Most of the Marine's ambitions is to enter into an Assault squad. This is the last stage of training before they are able to become a Veteran in the revered 1st company, or be assigned as a Sergeant to train more Marines. Given the traditional load out of bolt pistol and chainsword, they are nearly always equipped with jump packs. This allows them to strike with devastating force against enemy units, and traverse all manner of terrain. Whilst the Burning Blades do not believe in retreating and fleeing from battle, their soldiers are not stupid. Should they begin to become overrun, it is typical of them to retreat to a nearby friendly unit, to increase their chances of survival, and thus, increasing the chance for the success of the mission.

"Command Squad-" Unlike Codex adherent command squads, those of the Burning Blades are permitted to be equipped with Jump Packs, in order to keep up with their officer, who is often equipped with a Jump Pack themselves. The apothecaries in the command squad are not full apothecaries. They are only, in fact, an initiate. Trained to use the Narthecium and retrieving gene-seed from the fallen battle brothers, they aspire to train to become more efficient, and thus, be able to attend to more allies.

"1st Company-" Due to the weight and the cumbersome nature of Terminator armour, the Burning Blades 1st Company only use it in dire circumstances. Beautifully decorated, these suits are revered for their extreme value. The captain of the 1st is also not required to wear Terminator armour. Seeking honour and glory in combat, the Captains are often equipped with a jump pack, and closely followed by his command squad and Vanguard Veterans. Sternguard Veterans are slightly rarer in the 1st as well, yet they are equally valued and respected as their vanguard counterparts.

==Significant Burning Blades Members==
'''Blaze, Primarch of the Burning Blades-''' One of the 20 Primarchs created by the Emperor, he was transported to an unknown planet. The only records of the planet, other than his first-hand accounts, show that the northern hemisphere was dominated mostly by dense, tropical forest, and the southern hemisphere was a cold, barren desert. The planet was inhabited by humans, which were grouped into techno-barbaric clans, and constantly at war with each other. When the child landed on the planet, many search parties were dispatched to see what the falling object from the sky was, hoping that it might be some weapons or armour to use against their enemies. None returned, and many recovered accounts hint that raid parties would often come across the scorched corpses of people amongst the thick jungle. Eventually, one of the clan leaders, a woman, decided to go out and investigate herself, with a small, hand-picked team of bodyguards. What they found was most intriguing. A small child, wearing the scorched armour of the people he burned, standing in the middle of a small, scorched area. The woman, unbeknownst to her fellow clan-mates, as a half-eldar, exiled for her parents' relationship. Being a half-eldar, she possessed psychic power, and even possessed a spirit stone, embedded onto her glaive. Piercing the mind of the child, she was astonished to feel a resistance, and a warning, that should they attack, he would kill them. Eventually she was able to soothe the young Primarch, and he agreed to return to the village with her. Satisfied with the result, they returned to the village. The villages though, were a mess. It was a very feudal society, where the richer, higher-class citizens would abuse the lower-class, often making them their slaves for a small, meagre pay. He felt the need to go and help them, but the woman stopped him, telling him that he would be killed for his actions. He was inducted into the soldier ranks of the clan, and he showed great potential in sword-play. During a sparring match, his opponent, the then commander of the strike forces for the clan, mocked him, declaring that even with two swords he would not be able to beat him, and threw him a second sword. To the astonishment of the commander and all the onlookers, he moved so fast, and drew blood from the commander, ending the duel. From that moment, he was promoted to rank of commander, and a second sword was forged for him. He would often draw and sketch new uniforms for the soldiers, and would enquire with the black-smiths as to the most effective forms of weapon and armoursmithing. As a Primarch, he learned extremely quickly, and within a half-year, had forged himself two swords; Evaryn, and Xenosious. In secret, he also forged another set of light armour, which he would wear during his plans to improve the living conditions for the lower class. By small, and subtle sabotage, he was able to introduce new laws in the clan to better support the people, and people found guilty of abusing others would be punished severely, and often would have all their estates taken off them. Another year passed, and attacks against the clan lessened, and the military would lose fewer soldiers in engagements, and the clan swiftly rose to rule the upper half of the planet. Unbeknownst to them, the lower part of the planet was not empty, rather, it was the haunting grounds for a clan, who openly worshiped the Ruinous Powers. Enraged to see a rival empire rise to power, they summoned all of their troops, and went to march to the clan. Slaughtering the weaker, smaller clans that lived in the out-skirted of the jungle, each new area of lush wildlife they conquered would quickly wither and die, the life force corrupted and destroyed by the servants of the Dark Gods. Corrupting the weaker-minded, they were able to replenish their ranks quicker than the lost them, and further necromancy would raise fallen soldiers and enemies to do their bidding. Launching an attack on their enemy clan, Blaze, and the woman, saw their soldiers being slaughtered. Revealing to Blaze that she not entirely human, the woman then began to chant words of great power, in a bid to raise a shield to block the inner walls of the city, and Blaze then set about single-handedly saving and evacuating the citizens. The Chaos-worshippers, having killed and gathered enough skulls to appease Khorne, summoned an army of Khornate daemons. The daemons and the Khornate berserkers, unable to walk through the protective shield, attempted to smash it. She was only able to maintain the shields for another few hours, at least enough to equip more citizens with weapons and armour to attempt to defend their village. The shield broke, and the daemons and Khornates quickly swamped the outer defences, slaughtering any that got in their path. Witnessing some of his best soldiers slain effortlessly by the abominations, Blaze's mind broke, and he charged into the middle of the fray, slaughtering daemons left and right. Seeing that she would no longer be able to summon a shield, she also entered the fray. After both forces were slain, to the man, the woman would come and face a Bloodthirster, a greater daemon of Khorne. Blaze, who was separated from her during a battle against a mob of bloothirsters, rushed to try to aid her, as he would see that she was horribly under-matched against the Bloodthirster. He watched in horror as one of the whips lashed into her heart, killing her instantly. His mind lost all reason, and, consumed by pure, seething rage against the Bloodthirster, threw both of his weapons aside, and charge the daemon head-on. His mastery of psychic flame was great, and the fire he burned was usually a blue, second hottest only to white. He tried, in vain, to burn the daemon, only to be whacked aside by its double-headed axe. Seeing the woman's glaive only arm's reach away, he grabbed it, and used the last out of his strength to reach apotheosis, and his fire burnt a brilliant white. Slaying the daemon, his fire died down, and he fell to his knees. Seeing the destruction and death brought to his clan, he then picked up the woman and his most prized possessions, and set off to find her a suitable burial site. He spent many months trekking, until he found a small, secluded area, still vibrant with tropical life. Burying her, he built himself a small house, and set about crafting weapons, and creating sculptures, to honour his dead comrades. Eventually, the Emperor came, and He gave him the Burning Blades legion, renowned for lightning-fast assaults, wielding swords and bringing fire. He taught his gene-sons the dual-blade discipline that he had been taught himself.

'''Aramis, the Grand Prometheal-''' The Grand Prometheal is the Burning Blades' equivalent of a Chapter Master, just a fancier title. By default, all Grand Prometheals carry the Chapter's most prized possessions, Evaryn and Nosious. Evaryn was one of the two swords Blaze carried, and Nosious was the shards of Xenosious re-forged into a new blade, after their Primarch's disappearance at the battle of Aevis. Previously to the Defence of Meeproj II, Aramis held the rank of Captain of the First Company.While the previous Grand Prometheal fought a Greater Daemon of Khorne, Aramis was pre-occupied battling some traitorous Bloodied Shards that threatened to force a new entrance for daemons to enter. He saw the Grand Prometheal get knocked off his feet, and as he ignited his jump pack to escape the daemon, the foul beast grabbed his foot, and slammed him into the ground, then proceeded to slay the Grand Prometheal. Rare, visual accounts say that when this occurred, Aramis fought with a rage unmatched by the Khornates, and after battling his way to the gloating Daemon, challenged it to a one-on-one battle. Picking up the dual swords, they fought for an hour, until the daemon, finally worn down by the attacks from the two Astartes, was finally able to be banished. Following the re-taking of the planet, he was promoted to the rank of Grand Prometheal, in a bitter-sweet victory. Feeling like he failed the previous Prometheal and the Emperor, he prays every night that one day, he may gain the chance to redeem himself, betraying the energetic facade that his waking hours holds.

'''Kieran Narvaez, Captain of the 1st Company-''' The current Captain of the first company is the maverick individual known as Kieran Narvaez. He is well-renowned within the Chapter for having intense levels of anger, something which has drawn the attention of Inquisitors. Furthermore, the sword he carries, The Sword of Darkness, is a large, two-handed broadsword, its surface a crimson red, and emanating a dark shroud. No heretic, nor daemon, has been able to withstand blows from this blade. It was crafted by Kieran himself, raising further suspicion, although the Chaplains maintain that there is no presence of taint within his spirit. Unlike other Chapters of Space Marines, the Captain of the 1st Company of the Burning Blades need not march to war in suits of Terminator Armour. Their joy of rapid engagement, and of flight, means that to sacrifice their armour and jump pack for a suit of Terminator armour to be a cause of extreme threat. As such, he is trained in either the usage of both suits. Several accounts of his battlefield engagements show that his desire to slay the enemies of Mankind, he can push his brothers, even those in Terminator armour, to their extremes while charging, and cutting down fleeing foes. Previously to the engagement at Meeproj II, he was a veteran sergeant in one of the Vanguard Veteran squads, and promoted for his ability to lead his brothers to victory

'''Aarone, Captain of the 2nd Company-''' Aarone was the Captain of the 2nd before even before the Defence at Meeproj II, and denied the position of being elevated to Captain of the first company. He is well known of his abilities in battle, and just his blade is just as famous. The relic blade, crafted by the finest Chapter artisans, was initially crafted as a punishment to the foul xenos, by taking the blood of those that fall by the blade, and by a technology long lost, purify it, and rejuvenate the wielder. Rumours have surfaced that the blade has possibly been tainted after the Meeproj campaign, and that Aarone is a secret servant to the Dark Gods. His lack of mercy or remorse while slaying the heretics and xenos, however, show his loyalty is with Man.

'''Chaplain Auius-''' The Burning Blades' Master of Sanctity, and High Reclusiarch, he is a silent and foreboding figure. He wields an ancient crozius, that was crafted long ago for the Emperor once they returned to real-space. Upon learning that he was near-dead, he broke it, and left. Couple thousand years later, a Chapter artisan found the weapon, and re-forged it. It is an elongated crozius, and as such, can also be used two-handed to deliver stronger, more deadly blows.

Some more notes:
I know this is quite sloppy, I'm quite new to this whole wiki-edit thing. As my fluff is currently still a little baby, not yet solidly formed, expect some minor plot-holes, errors and future retcons.

[[Category:Warhammer Homebrew]][[Category:/tg/ 40,000]]

Zweihander

2022-04-23T18:53:18Z

2001:67C:2628:647:12:0:0:234: Removing edit war tag, as it seems to be over.

{{cleanup}}

{{Game Infobox
|name = Zweihander Grim & Perilous RPG
|picture = [[File:Zweihander cover.jpg|235px]]
|type = [[RPG]]
|publisher = [[Grim & Perilous Studios | Andrews McMeel Universal]]
|authors = [[Daniel D. Fox]]
|year = 2017 (Original) 2019 (Revised)
}}
{{Topquote|The first lesson you have to know is this: you can’t earn anything in this world... Lesson two: a man will do anything he can to survive... the third and most important lesson: life is pain and death.|Danziger Eckhart, Soldier and Ex-Convict}}

Around the time [[Games Workshop]] decided to <s>piss off everyone but wargamers</s> create [[Age of Sigmar]], [[Fantasy Flight Games]] lost the rights to all their Warhammer properties, resulting in them liquidating all of the copies of the Warhammer Fantasy and 40k RPGs, cardgames, and board games and then removed them from sale. This annoyed several people beyond belief, especially people who liked the Warhammer Fantasy RPG and had yet to learn of [[Cubicle 7]]'s Fourth Edition. Some of them decided that this was bullshit, so they grabbed a copy of [[Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay|WFRPG]] Second Edition, filed off all the serial numbers and copyrighted names, and had a Kickstarter to publish it. The result was '''Zweihander''' by Grim and Perilous Studios.

Released by Grim and Perilous Studios in 2017, this [[Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay|WFRPG]] [[retroclone]] is the love-child of one [[Daniel D. Fox]]. Starting as a Project COREHammer on [http://strike-to-stun.net the strike to stun forum], it has evolved into a full-fledged dead-tree codex which has apparently won some prestigious award no one cares about.

A revised edition featuring better formatting, art, and errata was released as a pdf in January 2019. In addition to the typical accouterment of spell cards, GM screens and the like, Zweihander has two major supplements.
*''Dark Astral'' lets you play in a 40k expy instead of a Warhammer Fantasy Ripoff.
*''Main Gauche'' is focused on adding CHAOS! to the game.

The name Zweihander is both based on the common name for a fuck-off huge two-handed [[sword]] and a reference to how you can use the massive 600+ page Core book as a two-handed weapon to beat your players with.

While it does pull from WFRP 2e for some mechanics, it is far more focused on achieving the gritty, dirty terribleness of WFRPG 1e. The world is violent, dirty, uncaring, and you will probably be eaten by something horrible. While there is no official setting, the Weapon/Core Book offers some options for using the thirty years war (1630's Germany), The Lost Colony of Roanoke (1610 Colonial America), Goth Moran (<s>WF Empire</s> Tactics Ogre), and Kahabaro. (Fantasy London?)

== The Mechanics ==
Zweihander uses a percentile dice + skill based system to resolve tasks. The players share a small pool of Fortune Tokens which can be used to improve their odds to succeed. This pool refreshes each session.

Characters have 7 primary attributes, an ancestral trait, an archetype and profession, a background which includes a "Dooming Prophesy" based on the characters season of birth and a whole lot of other less important/cool things. All of this is randomly rolled, like FATAL but competently designed. You wanna play as an elven wizard? Tough luck, you're a dwarven flagellant. Know your place!

The Weapon/Core Book has rules for all sorts of things that sometimes come up and are usually pretty fiddly to use. There's a crafting system, Magic uses reagents that you actually have to buy/find are used up in casting, and specific detailed rules for every type of physical and mental ailment. There's a reason the book is as huge as it is.

== Numbers Filed Off ==
Certain things are clearly Warhammer rip-offs. This is to be expected, as it is a retroclone, but it's a little blatant in places.

* [[Warpstone|Wytchstone]]
* [[Winds of Magic|Aetheric Winds]]
* [[Lizardmen|Aztlan]]
* [[Skaven|Skrrzak]]
* [[Orcs & Goblins|Orx]]
* [[Chaos Gods|Princes of Chaos]]
* [[Warp|The Abyss]]

== The Shill Among Us ==

In 2017 it was rumored (and later confirmed by Daniel himself) that Fox was frequenting /tg/ under various aliases to push his game, with threads popping up talking in-depth about its amazing features, how it was better than Warhammer, and how people should go buy it. Weak retorts to criticism and Fox's similar habit of advertising his game across the interwebs, including interjecting it into discussions about other games, made it suspect that he was in fact the sockpuppeteer behind the shilling. He's pretty open about advertising Zweihander and defends the practice as just that, regular advertisement, but even on other websites some people seem to have grown tired of his Robotnik self-promotions.

This paired with him doxing people he doesn't like, being fanatically active in shutting down [[Pirate|piracy]] of the system, and openly spending donated funds to try to shut down some dumb D&D Twitter thing no one cares about because it was "bigoted" (and coincidentally being used by people who criticized Zweihander) has left him with a fairly controversial reputation across the board, hell this page has been blanked and reverted a dozen times at this point, drawing up arguments on if and when one oversteps the bounds of simply promoting a product.

== External Links ==

[https://grimandperilous.com/what-is-zweihander/ Link to the official website]

{{Retroclones}}

[[Category:Old school]][[Category:Roleplaying]]