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Imperial Knight

2018-06-08T19:47:55Z

2001:8003:3895:3A00:4550:AA9:C562:19A1: /* Armiger Knight Patterns */

{{Topquote|...who battled courageously during those times, some victorious, some not, but always in the name of chivalry.|The Five Star Stories}}

[[File:Knight vs Trygon.jpg|350px|thumbnail|right|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FSrcMaid0mg Hmm... does this look familiar to you?]]]
Somewhere between a regular walker and a [[Titan (Warhammer 40,000)|Titan]], the Imperial Knights are large single-pilot war machines, similar to the [[Tau]] [[Riptide#XV104 Riptide Battlesuit|Riptide]]. Usually humanoid, the cockpit for the pilot is mounted just behind the head in the main body.

In other words, they're a [[BattleTech|Battlemech.]]

Their somewhat unexpected return to the 40k setting is possibly a sign of [[Games Workshop|GW]] deciding that people would only play [[Warmachine]] because 40k has insufficient [[warjack]]s [[Skub|(and not because of arguably better rules and update schedule)]], or that they [[Profit|make more money by selling one huge model than lots of little ones]].

They are really [[butthurt|a fairly fan-wanky insertion]] of [[Warhammer Fantasy Battle|Fantasy-style]] [[knight]]s into 40k, which, let's face it, is not exactly a setting devoid of knight analogues; but unlike [[Space Marines|the]] [[Titan (Warhammer 40,000)|others]], this one is much closer to the original source material: [[BattleTech|aristocratic dicks in high tech armor suits grinding the faces of the poor]] while being [[grimdark]] and all knightly and shit, including all of the [[Game of thrones|politics, incest and backstabbing]] that brings.

Funnily enough for such an in-universe niche unit, Imperial Knights (officially,'' Questor Imperialis'') are currently among the most popular models from the 40k range, if the top-seller list of Games Workshop is any indication, and with good reason; their whole design and grimdark [[steampunk]] style catches the eyes, and surely a lot of people are buying it just because it looks ''that cool''. Also, for 150 Naggaroth Buckets you get a unit strong enough to be an army on its own, or it can join ''any'' Imperial force.

[https://youtu.be/ajP5q2HvycY In short they're big, baddass, chivalrous, stompy mechs. Really, what's not to love?]

== About the Knights ==
[[File:Errant Detachment.jpg|thumb|right|EPIC Errant Knights. For when you want to cook your enemies really fast.]]
[[File:PaladinDetachment.jpg|thumb|right|Paladin Titans from EPIC times.]]
The knights are affiliated with, or in some cases part of, the [[Adeptus Mechanicus]] (rather than being part of the greater Imperium's war machine). Knight Worlds are worlds which supply [[Forge World#Planet|Forge Worlds]] with foodstuff and raw materials, specifically those worlds defended by Knight Households. The Knight World gathers foodstuff and ores for a set period of time (usually a year) before the Adeptus Mechanicus arrive in a drop ship, occaisonally bringing new knight suits in exchange for the raw materials. Knight Worlds themselves are typically Feudal Worlds, which were easily brought into compliance during the Great Crusade, and which explains the rather aristocratic tone about the Knights. Knight World politics is fueled by the constant resource tithes and the possession of Knight Titans. Any kingdom that possesses a Knight Titan could absolutely smash a kingdom without one, so it behooves a kingdom to concede to being tithed in exchange for the (relatively) ultimate weapon. Once any given feudal kingdom has become a Knight Household, any Household with more Knights than it does is a huge threat, so getting more is always important. By the time that the escalation becomes preposterous these Households are already shipping knights of-world to cruise the stars and fighting things, so the extra-planetary losses constantly need to be replenished, lest the Households lose their on-world detachments to off-world conflicts. All that said, Knight Worlds tend to exist rather happily alongside their Forge World; Mechanicus get a defensive buffer and food forever, and the Knight Households get to continue ruling their chunks of the planet. Or all of the planet, depending on how far you can stretch a feudal society.

During the [[Epic]] days Knights were a complete fabrication by the Adeptus Mechanicus, supplied as battle fleets where the Imperial armies are in need of them, much like a Titan Legion is. Knights were a gimmick, given to Feudal Worlds that the Mechanicum settled near in exchange for getting shipments of food, manpower, and raw materials. This simplistic lore is [[retcon|no longer the case]]; apparently the original Knight Worlds were not the Mechanicus' idea. The Knights themselves are [[STC]] relics, dating before even the Dark Age of Technology. In a shocking twist, not only does the Knight STC appear to be relatively intact, the Knight itself seems easy to produce for any given Forge World; a rare case of the AdMech not shitting themselves. When Games Workshop released the new "heroic scale" Knight models, they also released new Knight fluff with them. The first Knights were actually colonists, arriving on new worlds during Humanity's first expansion into the galaxy at large. With no way of returning to Terra once they arrived, and long periods with no outside help, those original human colonies needed to be self-sufficient and the Knight suits were sent along with them, made for fighting against the [[Xeno|myriad threats]] [[Chaos|to their existence]]. Additionally, it turns out that giant stompy robots could also be re-purposed for peaceful uses: cutting down trees with their chainswords, blasting apart boulders with their main weapons, or using the sheer size of their bodies as cranes, lifts, earth-movers, and various other construction equipment. As a byproduct of the Throne Mechanicum bonding processes (see below), the Knights' pilots soon came to see themselves as protectors of their people. In the cases where these heavily-armed frontier colonies were never slated for further colonization, suffered a society-collapsing event as they grew, or otherwise remained isolated, Knight Titans were given the opportunity to become the industrial and military backbone of many of these worlds.

During the Age of Strife, when humanity at large lost it's ability to travel the Warp and everything generally went to shit, these planets were guaranteed to be alone and afraid, fighting for their survival against everything they already had to fight, plus all of the weirdness that comes with BIG FUCKOFF WARP STORMS. The proto-Knight-World colonies (fully-grown at this point) regressed from large-scale industrial societies into what are functionally feudal worlds with a sprinkling of techno-barbarianism. Why did this happen? Well, there are a number of possibilites: fear and panic over the lack of outside contact could have sparked apocalyptic military conflicts or nuclear wars, the whole "robot uprising" thing that was also happening during the Age of Strife could have resulted in a rejection of automation, or the entire would could have been slowly ground down to the barest essentials of living by millennia of constant conflict; take your pick! The Knights themselves eventually formed noble households as time went on, or else noble households formed around the knights, due mostly to the fact that only a large-scale organized society with military force can properly maintain a giant stompy robot. By the time of the Great Crusade (more importantly, by the time of the first Mechanicum Explorator Fleets ''during'' the Great Crusade), almost all of the remaining Knight Worlds had dwindled to feudalism over the course of the Age of Strife, and in many cases the survivors were living threadbare on dying worlds, in great need of new raw materials or the expertise required to maintain the suits. This situation was ripe for exploitation, and some clever bastard in the Mechanicum got the great idea of using these worlds as combination Agri-World, Mining World, and military training ground. Several Forge Worlds and lesser Mechanicum worlds were established intentionally within Knight World systems due to the easy symbiosis. It is assumed that any Knight Worlds which were not in need of assistance (or whom the Great Crusade found before an Explorator Fleet) sided with the Imperium at large, as opposed to becoming vassals of the Mechanicum.

As a side note, in a hilarious turn of events, in this new lore these feudal Knight Worlds leveraged their ritualization and xenophobia to purge witches and deviant thought, and therefor psykic influence, from their worlds entirely. This created pockets of relative calm in the hellish storms of un-reality that they floated in, and thus they were saved from the worst of the warpy shit, allowing them to survive into M31 and the Age of the Imperium.

A Knight's Machine Spirit is of a particularly unusual type: to interface with the suit, an aspiring noble must first join with the Throne Mechanicum (the Knight's control system) in a ritual known as the Rite of Becoming. Due to a quirk in the bonding process, the device retains an imprint of each of its former pilots' personalities at the time they were first bonded, and as a result individual suits may develop traits echoing those of their former masters. The link also affects the noble's own mind as well; exposure to the metaphorical (or possibly literal, since there's been at least one case where a Throne Mechanicum took over operating the Knight when its noble was slain by using the memories of its old operators) ghosts in the machine inevitably causes the noble to develop strong positive feelings towards the concepts of fealty and hierarchy along with a near-mystical reverence toward the noble's ancestors. [[Phoenix Lord|This idea isn't very original]]. Nobody knows why this is, but the Mechanicus thinks it may have been a failsafe in the original plans meant to ensure that no Knight would willingly betray or abandon his own House. Either way, this benefits the Mechanicus rather neatly. This kind of "ghost in the machine" presence exists for true [[Titan (Warhammer 40,000)|Imperial Titans]] as well, though in their case the machine spirit is more of an AI/second ego, and storing past Princeps' personas is something that happens, but the Mechanicus try to avoid/scrub out. Go see the Titan page for a more in-depth comparison.

Knight Houses make a tradition of sending their Knights on glorious quests across the stars, which mostly involves going where the Imperium/Mechanicum tells them too, and shooting/punching everything dead once they get there. Knight Houses make a tradition of basically everything, but more on that later. These quests, which one can only assume are fulfilled by the Imperial Navy or Explorator Fleets (and *not* just jumping really high, as some fa/tg/uys suggest), must be chocked-full of silly fish-out-of-water scenes as the Knights must putter around the cargo holds of ships, interacting with Guardsmen, slaves, and Imperial navymen. Knights absolutely love going on quests, because *not* going on quests means staying home and doing rituals and ceremonies. The day-to-day lives and operations of Knight Households, and the noble caste that supports them on-world, are so regimented by ceremony that the Knights themselves *fucking hate it*. Eating, sleeping, social interaction, prayer, bathing (when it infrequently occurs), walking down hallways, looking at art, and probably *breathing* are so highly ritualized that it makes Japanese tea ceremonies look like a practice rehearsal of a theatrical production put on by a class of 3rd graders. You have actual, named, 64-part ceremonies described as happening *daily* in the Mechanicus codex, and those are only one of probably three-hundred-thousand common-to-esoteric ceremonies that could be required to properly perform a given action, formally acknowledge a nobleman's change in standing or status, or even to honor a specific year, month, week, or hour of the fucking day. And Emperor save you if you fuck any of it up.

=== Houses ===
There are two types of knight household, though a third association does exist.
*Those who align themselves with the Imperium directly such as Imperial Houses, acting as independently operating vassals of a greater empire (much like [[Space Marine Chapter]]s do), therefore answering calls for aid as they feel like, rather than being ordered to. Examples of Imperial Houses are:
**'''House Terryn''' - House known for its [[Mary Sue|courage and honor]] as well as [[Codex Astartes|rigidly adhering to ritual and ceremony]]. Supposedly its homeworld of Voltoris is so [[Macragge|peaceful and boring]] and the aforementioned rituals so tedious that it only encourages them to campaign across the galaxy, thanks to a law that allows them to be exempt from said rituals as long as they're crusading. (Their colour scheme is [[Ultramarines|blue]].) Has developed an intense grudge against the [[Tau]] after they tried to invade Volturis.
**'''House Hawkshroud''' - A very [[Noblebright]] house, who believe that kindness should be returned tenfold and who answer any and all requests for assistance, which means their homeworld of Krastellan lies virtually undefended. Also have links with the [[Imperial Fists]] having been praised by the chapter master for their efforts against the [[Eldar]] of Alaitoc, and are linked by proximity to the Blood Angels. (Their colour scheme is yellow.)
**'''House Cadmus''' - Were once bound to the Mechanicum, but regained their independence and became an Imperial House when Gryphonne IV was nom nomed by [[Tyranid]]s. Based on the [[Caliban|mutant infested forest world]] of Riasa, they engage on mutant hunts every year, with the [[A Song of Ice and Fire|winner getting to rule the house]] until the next hunt. (Their colour scheme is [[Dark_Angels|green]]).
**'''House Griffith''' - A house of [[Salamanders|hotheads]] who almost exclusively make use of the Knight Errant pattern and come from a planet once inhabited by ''actual dragons''. They are also one of the [[Salamanders|smallest knight houses, but remain one of the most respected]]. They engage in regular jousting tournaments using old fashioned horses, but wearing adamantium armour. Have a preference for [[Rip and Tear|close combat]].
**'''House Mortan''' - A house only recently introduced to the Imperium after being cut off by a nebula which made their planet a night world. For thousands of years they fought giant monsters in the dark until the nebula dissipated in M35 and the Imperium arrived.
**'''House Drakkus''' - Featured in the mobile game 'Warhammer 40,000: Freeblade'. Known for being dead, and for having a rather fetching jade-green colour scheme.

*Other households are directly aligned to the [[Adeptus Mechanicus]] and are based on ''(or linked to)'' Forge Worlds. Though they retain their independence from the Cult Mechanicus, they do have reciprocal trade and resupply agreements as well as swearing oaths of protection to the Mechanicum, often directly to specific Forge Worlds. Houses directly linked to the Mechanicus will have access to better weapons and technology than their more primitive cousins. Which isn't surprising because Techpreists tend to be [[Blood_Ravens|greedy buggers.]] Examples of Mechanicum Houses include:
**'''House Taranis''' - The ''First'' of all Knight Houses (read ''Mechanicum'' by [[Graham McNeill]]). They were founded on [[Mars]] during the [[Dark Age of Technology]], and were later the first Martians who met the [[God-Emperor of Mankind|Emperor]] before the [[Great Crusade]]. This house has ownership of some of the oldest knight suits. For some reason, their Knights' Throne Mechanicum units lack the typical mind-altering effects that they would normally possess; nobody knows why. One reason could be that the pilots of House Taranis are loyal to the mechanicus first, and house second.
**'''House Raven''' - The largest of all Knight Households, based on the world of Kolossi and have close links to forge world [[Heavy mythril|Metalica]]. Suspected to hold secret [[Standard Template Construct|STC]] data which explains why they have so many Knight suits. Their fortress, the ''Keep Inviolate'', is said to be one of the most well-protected bastions in the Imperium, on par with the Fang and the Imperial Palace, and appears on their coat of arms.
**'''House Krast''' - The first Knight World (Chrysis) to be rediscovered during the Great Crusade, its proximity to Mars meant it was swiftly brought into the fold, but had its homeworld ravaged by [[Horus]] during the [[Horus Heresy|Heresy]], leaving them the only Household left on the planet. They have a preference for hunting traitor titans since the Warmaster's forces on Chrysis we're led by the Traitor Titan Legion dubbed the Legio Mortis.
**'''House Vulker''' - A very wealthy but deeply mysterious house from a star system with vast mineral resources, they never expose any flesh and wear golden masks to cover their faces. Their close links to the Mechanicum are evident in the golden servitors they share between worlds, and their courts being filled with tech priests... Not that outsiders ever get to see inside their courts.

*Sometimes individual Knights detach themselves from Noble Houses entirely. Having been dishonoured, shunned, or otherwise made unable to continue life within the Household, they become Freeblades and ply the stars alone (dragging their large pool of retainers along to maintain the suit, naturally). These knights break out to either quest across the Imperium or settle down outside of the ritual of their Household and protect the citizens of whichever worlds they end up on.
**'''Amaranthine''' - Never ever speaks or leaves his suit. [[Inquisitor]]s chase him around trying to have a word about his loyalties.
**'''Auric Arachnus''' - Somehow connected to the [[Ultramarines]] and earned honour slaying a [[Dominatrix]] during the battle for [[Macragge]].
**'''Crimson Reaper''' - Freak who wears a red & black face mask, who is rumoured to be a [[Vampire|blood sucking mutant]]. Is very prone to collateral damage.
**'''Living Litany/Litany of Destruction''' - A grey, black, and orange Knight Gallant who constantly voxes droning sermons in High Gothic, only changing into loud chants when fighting. He's probably bonkers, but everyone lets it slide since he's still loyal to the Imperium at least. Or at least, they used to- at some point he lost what little was left of his sanity and went renegade. As the Litany of Destruction, his color scheme is identical to what it was as a loyalist but is now visibly emblazoned with the eight-pointed star of Chaos.
**'''Gerantius ''The Forgotten Knight''''' - maintains a secret mountain base on Alaric Prime, though his planet is shared by other lesser knight houses. Thought to be [[undead]] and [[Necromancer|in command of spirits]]. Days which he chooses to fight upon are regarded as ill-omens. Rules for him are in [[White Dwarf]], making him a Seneschal-level knight with ''It Will Not Die'' and the ability to both run & shoot in the same phase.
**'''Justice''' - A freeblade connected to the [[Iron Hands]] chapter who is a master of slaying traitor knights. The Iron Hands chapter appear to be keeping his secrets and will not talk of his past.
**'''Obsidian Knight''' - Fought in the [[Damocles Crusade|Damocles campaign]] along with House Terryn on the planet Agrellan. - Has his own rules in Warzone: Damocles making him an absolute WS/BS 6 [[Awesome|badass]] who hates [[Tau]] with a passion.
**'''Mydos Almighty''' - Hails from a world that was done in by the greed of its upper class, which it fled to actually fight. Rather hypocritically, this Knight is entirely bedecked in fucking GOLD.
**'''Retribution Incarnate''' - A hero of the [[Macharian Crusade]]s, believed to be the last member of an established household.
**'''White Warden''' - The last man standing for House Degallio from the planet of [[Lawful Stupid|Alaric Prime]] ''(same as Gerantius)'', known for his cracking mustache and his willingness to stand up for ridiculous laws.
**'''Tellurus''' - Only living member of a fallen house, and refuses to be seen without armor. Tellurus fought alongside both House Cadmus and House Hawkshroud on Vondrak. ''"...towering and monstrous, a giant of adamantium and fury. With a booming cannon and a roaring chainblade for arms, it was clad in armour the colour of a winter’s sky. Blue and cold, chevroned with streaks of black and amber. A bright gonfalon streamed from its left shoulder. A rearing horse with a fluted horn at its forehead."'' - from ''Knights of the Imperium'' by Graham McNeill. [[Samus|Turns out to be a girl.]]
**'''Domeenito Ohashi''' - Imperial Knight who got stuck on a primitive world under attack by the Orks. [[Awesome|In spite of being sworn to go back to his world of origin, he decides to go freeblade and fights back the greenskins becoming a hero to the population until receiving Imperial Guard reinforcement. since then he has wandered across the galaxy helping the Imperium to crush all kind of xenos raiders in the hopes of getting back home eventually.]]
**'''Dyros Kamata ''The Scorched Knight''''' - A Knight whose rider apparently severed all ties with his house and burned off all his livery by walking into a volcano. He eventually learned that his dad was a corrupt prick, so he killed the old man before going off again. Was later killed by Ork bombardment.
**'''Sir Hektur'''- A Freeblade from Randoryn Alpha, he was enslaved for a time by the [[Iron Warriors]] but escaped and now fights to free any other Imperial citizens enslaved as he was, earning him the epithet of "The Chainbreaker". Appears as the first true named character for the Imperial Knights, piloting the Knight Preceptor ''Canis Rex''. Like [[Antaro Chronus]], Sir Hektur can keep fighting even if his Knight is taken down thanks to his trusty archaeotech pistol.
[[File:Sir hektor and canis rex.jpg|200px|thumbnail|left|You can't really tell, but Canis Rex has a little compartment for Hektur to ride in, it's pretty neat.]]

=== Sacristans ===
Unlike the much larger [[Titan (Warhammer 40,000)|Titan legions]], most Imperial Knight Households do '''NOT''' retain [[Techpriest]]s of the [[Adeptus Mechanicus]] to maintain and repair the Knight suits (though deeply-bonded Mechanicum households usually do).

Instead they invariably include a specific class of individual called a '''Sacristan''', who is basically an artisan and a technology specialist. These Sacristans accompany the knight on his travels and keep his suit operational during the campaign, and if a Knight becomes somehow divorced from his household and becomes a Freeblade, the sacristans associated with the suit shall travel with him. It is assumed/alluded to that Sacristans have a cadre of serfs and underlings whom also follow ''them'' around, all of whom form the cadre of attendants for a single Knight.

Unbeknownst ''(or immaterial)'' to the Imperial Households, these Sacristans '''ARE''' inducted into the Machine Cult in a similar fashion to the [[Techmarines]] of the [[Adeptus Astartes]], having been trained either off-world or under an apprenticeship to an already established Sacristan. So while they may not be fully ordained Tech-Priests, they do further the interests of the Mechanicum while living amongst the Knight Households. Sacristans may be historically connected to whomever maintained the Knights during the Age of Strife, making Sacristans even more inspired by ''A Canticle for Leibowitz'' than the Mechanicum itself already is.

=== Chaos and Renegade Knights ===
Though they are rare, there are a number of Knight Households or lone Freeblade Knights who have fallen to [[Chaos]]. Most infamous of all is the [[Slaanesh]] Hellknights of House Devine, who turned during the [[Horus Heresy]] due to [[A Song of Ice and Fire|Targaryen]]-esque amounts of twincest. That said, Renegade and Chaos Knights are hunted down by Loyalist Households, who view their existence as shaming all other Knights. The "board game" Imperial Knight: Renegade shows one such hunt.

For those who survive, these Renegade Knights (''Questor Traitoris'') can find employment and protection within the warbands of [[Chaos Space Marines]], or find themselves on the heretical end of a [[Daemons|warp incursion]] that puts their skills and equipment to "good" use. Of course, being a massive war machine, Chaos Knights may find themselves converted into massive [[Daemon Engines]] called [[Daemon Knights]]. The only real distinction between Renegade and Chaos Knight is that Chaos Knights actually worship Chaos and can become Daemon Knights, whereas Renegade Knights can simply be disowned and mercenary Freeblades who don't always side with for the Imperium or humanity at large. The distinction is often irrelevant during the decision-making process of whether or not Imperial forces intend to kill them (though "kill for the honor of the House" and "kill the fucking traitor with ''extreme prejudice''" aren't exactly the same state of mind for the ones doing the killing).

==Knight Patterns==
The Knights themselves come in several varieties, all of which have an energy shield to protect them from incoming fire and have a mix of shooty and choppy. 6th edition introduced two varieties have just recently appeared in the 40k model range, the Knight Paladin with its rapid fire battlecannon and the Knight Errant with its thermal cannon. Forge World later joined in with several of its own varieties of Knights, 7th edition introduced three other types (the Crusader, Gallant, and Warden) to the main 40k line, and 8th edition added four more (the Castellan, Valiant, Warglaive, and Helverin).

Knights usually deploy alongside Titan legions as auxiliary forces. Although some patterns of Knight are capable of going toe to toe with smaller titans, or even larger titans outfitted exclusively for ranged combat, the Knight's usual role is anti-infantry or anti-light vehicle freeing up the Titans to attack superheavies.

===Armiger Knight Patterns===
The smallest Knight class shown to date (roughly the size of a [[Dreadknight]], Grey Knight converters take note), Armigers are piloted by aspiring nobles, lowborn commoners with a knack for war, and the occasional bastard child of the High King. Due to their smaller size and lighter weight, Armigers are far faster and more agile than their larger brothers, which helps them hunt and fight at the flanks of their larger cousins. Basically, they are to larger knights what warhounds are to warlords - they serve as fast support to neutralize threats to the larger engine, while also helping in combat maneuvers. They are given the nickname of '''Baby Knights''', '''Mini-Knights''', '''Moe Knights''', '''Knight Jr''', '''The Wee Baby Brother of the Bunch''' or '''Mini-Me''' [[Dwarf|''for a very good reason'']].

Strangely, while they can take both a Meltagun or Heavy Stubber as carapace options, they can't take a missile pod like their larger cousins. [[Derp|This is despite the fact that Dreadnoughts, which are smaller, have such an option in both]] [[Havoc Launcher|spiky]] and [[Missile_Launcher#Cyclone_Missile_Launcher|loyal]] flavors.

Tl;dr, they're for when a scion of the Imperial wants to play mecha like the [[Tau|blueberries]] without it literally [[Dreadnought|taking an arm and a leg]] to do so.

====Armiger Knight Warglaive====
[[File:40kForgebane-Forgebane-Armiger.jpg|thumb|250px|left|Armiger Warglaive]]
Armiger Warglaives sprint into pace because they have to. Their weapon loadouts dictates that a fast and swift firststrike always gets the job done. It levels a lance-like beam of superheated directed energy from its Thermal Spear that can reduce a rockcrete bunker wall to a pool of bubbling lava. Those met by the ensuring charge are struck with an expert sweep of the Armiger's Reaper Chain-cleaver, a saw-toothed weapon that mangles metal and gnaws flesh to ruin with each shuddering impact.

Warglaives are equipped with Thermal Spears, Reaper Chain-Cleavers, and a heavy stubber or a melta gun. Sadly it has lost the ability to move and shoot heavy weapons without penalty, but you don't really care about that, because your main weapon is Assault and no one actually uses the pop-gun. Use them if you want to have the firepower of a Knight without wasting a bucket load in points, but watch out for hordes.

Its more [[Dakka|shooty and ranged]] brother is the Armiger Helverin. Thus, the Warglaive is better situated in going up against CQC monsters that would have made mince meat out of the more fragile Knights.
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====Armiger Knight Helverin====
[[File:ArmigerHelverins.jpg|thumb|250px|left|Armiger Helverin]]
The shootier Armiger, armed with a pair of Armiger Autocannons. The Armiger Helverin is a fast-moving weapons platform designed to lay down blistering hails of heavy fire while running rings around the enemy’s forces. In place of the close-ranged armaments of the Warglaive, each Helverin aforementioned pair of Armiger-class autocannons are capable of firing hundreds of armor-piercing shells per minute, even a single such weapon can swiftly whittle down infantry ranks or shred armored vehicles.

As such, Armiger Helverins are versatile and highly destructive for something its size in contrast to the similarly sized yet underpowered and vulnerable [[Sentinel|Sentinels]], small wonder that they are popular amongst both Imperial and Adeptus Mechanicus Noble houses who traditionally relied upon the Helverins' support for their larger compatriots at war. These machines just work wonders.

Despite initial fears that the Helverin would be almost be twice the height, twice the cost, yet only half as shooty as an old-fashioned rifleman dreadnought, these little gun walkers have turned out to pack a surprising punch, with 4d3 shots strength 7 each at a ridiculous 60 inches. Did I mention that each shot deals 3 damage?
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===Questoris Knight Patterns===
====Questoris Knight Paladin====
[[File:Knight Paladin.jpg|thumb|250px|left|Questoris Knight Paladin]]
One of the most vanillas of vanillas when it comes to Knight patterns. Standing nine meters tall, the Knight Paladin represents a perfect balance of speed, firepower and armor, allowing it to undertake a wide variety of roles in battle. Nobles who have the honor of piloting a Knight Paladin take great pride in their ability to carry out a variety of tasks on the battlefield.

The Knight Paladin's all-terrain capability means it can move more quickly through terrain which would be hazardous to traditional wheeled or tracked vehicles and reposition itself to engage the enemy as needed.

The first knight to appear in regular 40k, along with the Errant, the Knight Paladin is armed with a Rapid-Fire Battle Cannon with an attached Heavy Stubber. Like all non-Forge World Knights, it can take either an Ironstorm Missile Pod (think Whirlwind minus Ordnance), a Heavy 3 Krak missile launcher, or a pair of Icarus autocannons (I.e. actual anti-aircraft weapons) as carapace weapons to supplement their firepower, can also replace the heavy stubber with a meltagun for extra anti-armor usefulness and can replace its Reaper Chainsword with a Thunderstrike Gauntlet.
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====Questoris Knight Errant====
[[File:Knight Errant.jpg|thumb|250px|left|Questoris Knight Errant]]
One of the most vanillas of vanillas when it comes to Knight patterns. The Knight Errant are similiar to their Paladin brothers, however their pilots are often far more aggressive with a penchant to ignore the whole "Chivalry in SPEHSS!" theme and go straight into [[RIP AND TEAR]]. This would make them a bit more unhinged in following direct orders and would lead to susceptible [[Khorne]] corruption if not for their absolute stubbornness in [[/tg/ gets shit done|getting shit done.]]

Nevertheless, when the going gets tough, [[/d/|they ''really'' like to get in deep and dirty.]] In the heat of battle, almost nothing can stop a rampaging Knight Errant save for a complementary bombardment of anti-tank weapons and the occasional blast of a Titan weapon.

The tank hunter of the Questoris, the Knight Errant is armed with a Thermal Cannon, a Heav d6 36" S9 Melta weapon. Like the Paladin, it can take either an Ironstorm Missile Pod (think Whirlwind minus Ordnance), a Heavy 3 Krak missile launcher, or a pair of Icarus autocannons (I.e. actual anti-aircraft weapons) as carapace weapons to supplement their firepower, can also replace the heavy stubber with a meltagun for extra anti-armor usefulness and can replace its Reaper Chainsword with a Thunderstrike Gauntlet. Fun fact: In ye olde Epic days, the Errant carried a [[Power weapon#Power Fist|power fist]], from which the Thunderstrike Gauntlet probably draws inspiration.
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====Questoris Knight Crusader====
[[File:99120108005_IMPERIALKNIGHTCRUSADER360.jpg|thumb|250px|left|Questoris Knight Crusader]]
Carrying more firepower than a tank squadron, the Imperial Knight Crusader strides into battle with the confidence two main guns will give you. The Knight Crusader is one of the heaviest of the Questoris Knights by virtue of carrying all that damned ammunition. Capable of smashing holes in even the hardiest defense line, the Knight Crusader offers support to its close-range brethren, standing further back and unleashing scathing torrents of firepower to obliterate threats and terrify the enemy.

The first purely ranged Knight, it has the same Battle Cannon as the Knight Paladin (which it can replace with the Thermal Cannon for tankbusting) but replaces its close combat weapon with an Avenger Gatling Cannon, which can unleash 12 S6 AP3 Rending shots per turn. You know, for when you need that squad of MEQs wiped out right now and they aren't clustered close enough for the Battle Cannon alone to kill them all.

As an added bonus, the Gatling cannon comes with a built-in heavy flamer to compensate for its relative weakness at close range. (The key word is "relative". It can still Stomp, after all, and thanks to Smash it's still shitting out S10AP2 with normal cc attacks. It just can't give anyone the D.) Thus, you have a walker that can [[Bullshit|cover both long and close distances with relative ease]] and making it pretty much impervious to most infantry charges. Balance? What's that? I don't think GeeDubs ever heard that word before!
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====Questoris Knight Gallant====
[[File:99120108005_IMPERIALKNIGHTGALLANT360.jpg|thumb|250px|left|Questoris Knight Gallant]]
Designed to smash apart enemies at close range, very few enemies can withstand the initial assault of the Knight Gallant. The ground shakes as the Knight Gallant stomps forward, offering its puny opponent a chance to duel in a completely <s>unfair and one-sided</s> fair and absolutely honorable fight. A Knight Gallant will slam into enemy lines like a giant sumo wrestler, and come out of the other side unscathed. This in itself would make for a hilarious vision of a giant mech bumrushing anything smaller than it like an overzealous Kool Aid-Man.

A noble designated to pilot a Knight Gallant will learn the three basic although pretty simple and straightforward tenets when he is bonded with his war machine. Though they may subtly differ, the three basic tenants are to trust in your Ion Shield, make all speed towards the foe, and strike swift and sure.

The purely choppy counterpart to the Knight Crusader, the Gallant eschews its arm-mounted ranged weapons for a Reaper Chainsword and the Thunderstrike Gauntlet (described below) making it an absolute beast in close combat but of dubious use if it can't close in for the kill. Carapace weapons can mitigate this slightly, but it'll still struggle against shooty foes if it can't get into melee.
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====Questoris Knight Warden====
[[File:99120108005_IMPERIALKNIGHTWARDEN360.jpg|thumb|250px|left|Questoris Knight Warden]]
As befitting of its name, this Knight looks after a swarm of enemies like a prison warden controlling a crowd of rowdy mobs and criminals. Carrying itself into the thick of the action with heavy, thudding steps, and protected by both thick adamantine armor and an Ion Shield, the Knight Warden is perfectly equipped to deal with foes who attempt to use weight of numbers to their advantage.

The anti-horde option, by default the Warden comes with the Crusader's Gatling Cannon and a heavy flamer on top of the obligatory heavy stubber and Reaper Chainsword, but it can replace the sword with a Thunderstrike Gauntlet. Due to this, the Warden is notable for absolutely tearing tarpit heavy armies in one round, sometimes an entire tarpit formation bends over on the ''first attack''.

At first glance, the gauntlet doesn't look like much of an improvement due to the gauntlet giving a -1 hit penalty; however, if the fist ever kills a MC or vehicle the Warden can then throw whatever it killed at someone else. In game terms, this translates to an out-of-phase shooting attack that deals D3 Mortal Wounds serving as an unpleasant surprise for careless opponents.
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====Questoris Knight Magaera====
[[File:Knight Magaera.jpg|thumb|250px|left|Questoris Knight Magaera]]
Yet another Forge World model, this one is different however, this one is a Questoris variant, which means it's short and fat. Magaera type Knights are most often used as shock assault units, breaching the most heavily defended enemy positions, while shrugging off heavy weapons fire and [[Bullshit|self-repairing even devastating weapon strikes in a few minutes of Dark Age level of Bullshit.]]

It was specially made by the Mechanicus to curry favor with Knight Houses (or to control them, depending on who you ask, seriously look at that headpiece), and it shows in the unique wargear options it gets. For a start, it has Blessed Autosimulacrum (giving it IWND-lite), and its ionic shield acts similarly to the Flare Shields normally used by superheavy tanks like the [[Spartan Assault Tank]].

Its weapons are no less unusual- it can replace its chainsword for a Siege Claw which grants it Wrecker (and a built in TL rad-cleanser to fuck with Toughness scores), and at range it can employ a phased plasma fusil and a Lightning Cannon that mulch both infantry and all but the heaviest-armored vehicles. There's a catch, though- its reactor is highly unstable, as reflected by the +1 it gets when rolling on the Catastrophic Damage chart.
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====Questoris Knight Styrix====
[[File:Knight_Styrix.jpg|thumb|250px|left|Questoris Knight Styrix]]
Yes, Forge World is releasing another pattern of Knight, and it's another short and fat Questoris chassis with Blessed Autosimulacrum. However, unlike most machines, the Styrix maybe one of the few that the AdMech continuously tries to avoid and even chuck out of the metaphorical window if given the chance. It is basically the bad omen of Imperial Knight patterns.

There is a good reason why it is viewed with caution. The Styrix house a machine spirit which some say became too accustomed to slaughter during the Age of Strife and the Great Crusade that followed it. Many conservative Knight Houses consider the Styrix to be a malevolent pattern, the wanton destruction it unleashes being beneath a true Knightly Knight with Knightly chivalry and values.

Other Households hold no such reservations, letting loose entire formations of Styrix Knights to annihilate their foes. This one packs a [[Volkite Weaponry#Volkite Chieorovile|Volkite Chieorovile]] and a [[Graviton weapons|Graviton Imploder]], and shares the Magaera's option of upgrading its Reaper chainsword to a Hekaton Siege Claw with complimentary Rad Cleanser. Seriously, it is a miracle that the AdMech did not sanction these machines as techno-heresy when its machine spirit is borderline [[Dreadclaw]] worthy.
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===Ceratus Knight Patterns===
====Cerastus Knight Acheron====
[[File:Knight_Arheron.jpg|thumb|250px|left|Cerastus Knight Acheron]]
Another Forge World model, tall and lanky like all the other Cerastus pattern models. Acheron pattern Knights were configured as rapid moving strike units who rose to prominence during the legendary battles of the Great Crusade, but whose most terrible renown was to be found on the battlefields of the Horus Heresy. They are employed as weapons of extermination and to inspire fear in their foes. Nothing will sway their attack until the enemy is utterly crushed, never to rise again from the flame-scoured ruins of their strongholds. Rare, even in those ancient times for the singular difficulties of their construction, the Cerastus Knight-Acherons were amongst the most dreaded of their age.

The Acherons’ machine spirits were regarded as [[World Eaters|particularly lusting for wanton destruction]] and only the strongest scion-minds could master them via the Throne Mechanicum, especially during the tumult of open battle. Has a Flame Cannon to make those Heretics extra crispy, and a [[Chainsword#Chainfist|chainfist]] (with built in twin-linked [[Bolter#Heavy Bolter|heavy bolter]]) that lets it reroll 1s on the Destroyer damage table against vehicles. Now you can give your opponent the D while also fisting them.

Again, like the Styrix, it is one of those Knight patterns that is pretty damned close to being full blown literal [[Khornate Knights]] that is just stop short of being declared as techno-heresy by the AdMech.
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====Cerastus Knight Atrapos====
[[File:99560108146_MechanicumCerastusKnightAtrapos01.jpg|thumb|250px|left|Cerastus Knight Atrapos]]
One of the rarest and most potent types of Knights, the Cerastus Knight-Atrapos was created solely to destroy heretek engines and xenos war machines whose very nature and existence were considered a blasphemy to the Omnissiah. The machine spirits of the Knight Atrapos are said to carry with them a cold and all-destroying hunger, and for the scion who bonds with them, madness is a constant risk.

With the speed and shielding of the Cerastus chassis, and the Knight Atrapos’ Marco-extinction Targeting Protocols, the Cerastus Knight-Atrapos was an uncommonly destructive weapon of war that would have been God-tier if it was scaled up to an Emperor Titan.

It comes with the same Blessed Autosimulacra and flare shields the Questoris Knights have and also has a special rule that makes all his weapons twin-linked, if it is firing at a Super-heavy or Gargantuan Creature. All of his weapons are very close ranged but they are a big fuck off to armour and thanks to the swiftness of the cerastus knights he should be in range soon. It is armed with an Atrapos lascutter, a D weapon that can be used both in close combat and as a 8" shooting attack, and a Graviton singularity cannon ([[Awesome|yep, it shoots black holes]]), a 36", S8, Ap2, large blast weapon with Armorbane and the Collapsing Singularity rule. This means that before firing the weapon you roll a D6; on a 1 the knight loses one HP (but the attack is still carried out as long as the knight survives), and on a 6 the attack gains Vortex.
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====Ceratus Knight Castigator====
[[File:Knight Castigator.jpg|thumb|250px|left|Ceratus Knight Castigator]]
A Forge World event model, and another close-combat variant. They accomplish this with a hail of rounds from their Castigator Bolt Cannon. The Castigator is also equipped with a Tempest Warblade that can easily destroy enemy vehicles including even fellow Knights. With these weapons, the Castigator can metaphorically [[Anal circumference|shove its giant warblade up the rear armor of any vehicle.]]

While fluff states that it is used to handle and take down hordes of lesser foes that could overwhelm other patterns of Knight through sheer numbers, in actuality there are other Knight variants more suited for horde cleansing such as the Porphyrion or Crusader who actually have more weapons suited into turning blobs of infantry into minced meat. Hence, it can be argued that the Castigator should be used as more on the lines as both crowd control and vehicle destroyer.

Uses a big fuck-off sword (which is "only" S10, but has the same Deflagrate rule as the [[Volkite Weaponry|Volkite weapons]], rerolls failed armor penetration, and can exchange its attacks to hit everything in base contact once), and a Bolt Cannon which is essentially a S7 AP3 Heavy 8 giant [[bolter]].
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====Ceratus Knight Lancer====
[[File:Lancer-trans.jpg|thumb|250px|left|Ceratus Knight Lancer]]
One of the more uncommon but highly valued Knights fielded by Knight Houses, the Knight Lancer is a first-strike weapon, attuned to rapid assault tactics and lethal flanking maneuvers. It is renowned for its speed and power, as well as for the temperamental and restive nature of its machine-spirit. Because of this reputation, the most impetuous and glory-hungry of the Knight households are driven to bond with these war machines, their own souls a match for the fury caged within their war engines.

The close assault variant of Knight, much taller and faster than the Paladin & Errant by virtue of longer legs. It is ''far'' more specialized than the Paladin or Errant due to its weapon loadout and suffers if it is not supported. Has a physical ion shield rather than just being a force field, which means it cannot block attacks to the rear, however it ''can'' be used against close combat attacks. In its other arm is has a [[Combi-weapon|combi-melee/range weapon]] that gives it extra initiative when it charges into combat, its shooting mode is basically a 18" range 6-shot [[Plasma|plasma rifle]] that concusses its targets. So better to get it into melee with other big things.

On a slightly more hilarious note, the Lancer's ranged attack is of a decent Strength and AP, and fires a lot of shots. It's also not a Template Weapon. While not recommended, it means in a pinch the Lancer ''can'' be used as an anti-aircraft gun should the Knights lack sufficient AA from other sources (e.g. you are running pure Knights and don't have the Icarus autocannons), the amount of shots it fires making it second only to the [[Forgefiend]] in terms of emergency AA. It's also excellent against TEQs! And, with its concussive plasma shots, this thing is actually capable of countering a Wraithknight; even if you don't knock it down to initiative 1, you will be hitting at the same time on the charge.
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===Dominus Knight Patterns===
Do you want to have a [[Warlord Battle Titan]] without selling your kidney? Do you want to play with these titanic behemoths without risking being punched in the face by your friends (and spending several million dollars on superglue)? Then we got the perfect answer for you! You could wait for GW to release Adeptus Titanicus, ''or'', you could get a Dominus. Dominus Knights are basically dwarf [[Warlord Titan|Warlord Titans]] for all intents and purposes.

====Dominus Knight Castellan====
[[File:KnightCastellan.jpg|thumb|232px|left|Dominus Knight Castellan]]

It is the foremost artillery platform within the lances of the knightly houses, the Castellan hammers the enemy at extreme range from the moment the fight begins. Manned by a high-ranking Noble Lord, the Castellan is more akin to a mobile fortress than standard Knight. Thanks to its twin plasma cores, it is can be equipped with a wide array of heavy weaponry which can be explained more below.

Due to being powered by two plasma cores, the Catellan has become an especially shooty pattern of Knight. It is armed with a plasma decimator on one arm to blast apart heavy infantry, a volcano lance on the other for blowing vehicles to pieces, two twin-linked meltaguns mounted near the head, and three hardpoints for siegebreaker cannons and shieldbreaker missiles on its back. Seriously, this thing is decked out in so much guns it can make Orks blush in envy. Knight Porphyrion, it's time to step up your game.

One can't help but wonder how it is possible for one pilot to operate all those guns... Not like GW or battletech for that matter cares, of course. Turns out the Carapace Weapons are automated.
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====Dominus Knight Valiant====
[[File:KnightValiant.jpg|thumb|232px|left|Dominus Knight Valiant]]
The Knight Valiant defeats its enemies through the simple principle of applying overwhelming firepower at close proximity. The Hellhound of the Knight Dominus in contrast to the Castellan's Leman Russ Executioner profile. With its Ion shields, this Knight can march relatively harmlessly in order for the enemy to get in range with its two [[/d/|large and meaty weapons.]]

Yes, the Valiant is armed with a giant harpoon. Yes, you will be contractually obligated to yell '''"Get over here!"''' when you hit something with it. While the Thundercoil Harpoon's range is only 12", it hits with S16 AP-6 for 10 damage (plus d3 more mortal wounds)- more than enough to destroy most tanks in one hit and knocking down most superheavies down a damage bracket (and kill Primarchs). There's also that triple-barreled giant flame called the Conflagration Cannon that hits like three heavy flamers for S7 AP-2 2 D apiece, but who cares when you have a giant harpoon?

On a side note, notice how the top-most barrel of the Flamer is <s>useless, [[Derp|as it doesn't]] [[Fail|have a pilot-light]]</s> {{Blam}} {{Blam|dependent on the two massive gouts of fire from the flamers directly beneath it to light its stream of promethium, thus displaying the [[Skub|usual efficiency and elegant design characteristic of the Adeptus Mechanicus]] in their holy service to the Imperium.}}
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===Acastus Knight Patterns===
====Acastus Knight Porphyrion====
[[File:99560108172_AcastusKnightPorphyrion01.jpg|thumb|250px|left|Acastus Knight Porphyrion]]
Among the largest of Knight chassis's and by far the bulkiest one yet. When this beast was first revealed, almost everyone and ''I mean almost'' '''EVERYONE''' thought it was going to be a new class of Titan, seriously...I mean this thing is so big it is literally the size of a [[Warhound Scout Titan]] for Emprah's sake. As such, it is one of the most heavily armed and armored of all the Knight chassis in service.

While it has no melee weaponry of its own, it packs a pair of twin-linked magna-lascannons- which are Ordnance 2 Large Blast lascannons which become Strength D when fired at a range of 12" or less, making it an ideal superheavy-killer. It also comes with a built-in Ironstorm missile launcher (that can be replaced with Helios defense missiles for anti-air purposes) and a pair of autocannons that can be swapped out for rad-cleansers or lascannons. Essentially, it is by far the most [[Dakka|Dakkaest]] of Forge World Knights and as aforementioned; one so big we were all fooled into believing that Games Workshop was actually releasing a new Titan.

Since the release of the Dominus, the Acastus has lost its title of Dakka-knight, with only 6 barrels of Hell compared to the smaller Dominus' 10, but still holds its own as a pretty potent Titan-killer in a game of Apocalypse.
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==Times of Epic==
Back in the times of ''Epic Warhammer 40,000'', the Knights we know and love looked and acted very differently than they do now:

{|border=0 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2 style="margin: 1em;"
|-
| align=right| [[File:Lancer Command.jpg|150px|thumbnail|centre|Commander type Lancer. They all go really fast.]] || '''Lancer:''' Faster than other Knights, this pattern is all about scouting, distraction and hit-and-run tactics. Instead of its standard Shock Lance, it can swap it for a shorter in range, yet more powerful Power Lance. The only downside of them is that they are the most fragile of Knight Pattern. Now in 40k too, being the first Forge World Knight kit.
|-
| align=right| [[File:CrusaderDetachment.jpg|250px|thumbnail|center|When you need to kill something hard, roll out the Crusaders.]] || '''Crusader:''' Slower, yet sturdier and more powerful, Crusaders are armed with heavy weapons that are usually found on [[Warlord Battle Titan|Warlord]] or [[Emperor Battle Titan|Imperator Class Titans]] (such as the Quake Cannon). Due to them moving slow (blame the heavy weapons and loads of armoured bits) compared to other Knights, these behemoths are used to snipe targets from extreme range and act as a powerful support force for the rest of the Knights.
|-
| align=right| [[File:CastellanDetachment.jpg|150px|thumbnail|centre|Castellans. Knight level of [[Dakka]].]] || '''Castellan:''' The short-ranged cousin of the Crusader that swaps its standard Lascannons for multi-barreled Autocannons. This makes the Castellan a nightmare for infantry and light vehicles, as well as allowing it to deplete an enemy Titan's shields in a disturbingly short time. Also now coming back to 40k with the new codex.
|-
| align=right| [[File:KnightBaron.jpg|150px|thumbnail|center|When a Baron enters the battlefield, [[AWESOME]] ensues.]] || '''Baron:''' The biggest, baddest of all the Knights. Baron Knights are piloted by the deadliest members of a Knight House. Each Baron is actually built from the very basics as an ace-custom for its pilots, combining the power and speed to keep pace with Lancers with armor nearly as tough as a Crusader! Typically armed with Battle Cannons and the Lancer's Power Lance, the Barons lead their kinsmen to war and victory.
|-
| align=right| [[File:KnightWarden.jpg|150px|thumbnail|center|Old people are actually as deadly as younglings.]] || '''Warden:''' Piloted by the eldest (read retired) members of a Knight House, these goofy-looking Knights shouldn't be underestimated, much like the old-timers that pilot them. Warden Knight make up (like the Crusader) the heavy support part of a Knight House in the long-range category. Although not as fast as the youngsters, the pilots of Wardens make it up with years of brutally hard-won experience that makes them as deadly as the Barons.
|}

== Why Knights are Awesome ==
[[File:Knight Errant of Freeblade Garantius.jpg|450px|thumbnail|left|Knight Errant of Freeblade Gerantius. The Forgotten Knight. Closest you get to the [[The Green Knight|Green]] [[Warhammer Fantasy Battle|Knight]].]]
Knight Titan lore is some of the coolest stuff in 40k. True to both the medieval tradition and epic feel that 40k thrives from, Knight Titans protect the Agri Worlds that the Mechanicus use to supply (and predominantly feed) their incredibly ravenous [[Forge World#Planet|forge worlds]]. These Titans are easier to produce by far than even the humble [[Warhound Scout Titan]] and so can be made reliably, produced almost as an afterthought. So Knights aren't the biggest, baddest, most overblown thing in 40k -- but, they are to the Knight Worlders. The people who live and die on those Agri Worlds, delineated from other Agri Worlds by their designation as Knight Worlds, are all on the technological and societal footing of Medieval Europe. A lot of these worlds look like Bretonnia, from [[Warhammer Fantasy]]. Kings and Queens, Arthurian legend, stone brick castles and skullcapped peasantry abound; fields and forests extend to every horizon without end. Remember, [[grimdark|it's much, much more important to obey societal doctrine than to optimize food output]].

Imagine what someone from that world would think when they see a Knight Titan. The most agile giant robots the Imperium makes, capable of shrugging off lasers and plasma bombs, tower silently over a field on a world that probably doesn't even have gunpowder weaponry or a Copernican idea of the night sky. The kingdoms of the planet may have their petty wars, but life is dominated by meeting the food and resource quotas of machine-men from the sky, who build and fix the Knights that children and adults view with awe and reverence, like some amalgam of god and monster. These machine-men could destroy entire kingdoms on a whim by dropping stars from the sky. Kingdoms train their nobles and knightly warriors to fight with swords, horses, and hammers. They conscript armies from farming peasants, and use squads of bowmen to kill men at range....except for the Knight Titan pilots. Those who are honorable enough or skilled enough may graduate beyond knighthood, to Knighthood. Someone who takes a bath maybe twice a month and lives by torchlight has the duty to step inside a machine of such power and complexity that the science of the Fortieth Millennium proves incapable of comprehending it. Those men are revered beyond their kings, for they are the wielders of magic and death, and are entrusted with more true power than any other man on the planet. Those men fight monsters, murderous warriors from the sky, and even other Knights from enemy kingdoms. Sometimes, when the machine men come down when they aren't expected, the men who pilot the god-monsters must go far away to battle alongside the machine men in their wars. Not a war on the other side of the world, but a war on a distant star, surrounded by machines and giants even larger than they.

Imagine the man who has the lifelong job of knowing how to run the Knights, whose sacred duty is to recruit and train pilots. Imagine. A lord or general may give the order to bring cavalry around the left flank, and fire the laser cannon onto the walls of his enemy's castle. Despite his most valorous deeds, his children grow up playing with a giant metal god standing over them, silent and omnipotent, resplendent in livery and gold leaf. These children one day grow old and tell stories not of lords and generals, but of the time when their kingdom's metal giant slew a great beast, or razed an entire castle single-handedly, or ran across the entire world to deliver medicine to a dying king. Imagine what a pilot is to his subjects, or his lords. What legends would be told of them, the men who step inside the kingdom's giant? Their legends are not sagas of inscrutable gods or immortal emperors or statistic-scale tragedies, but of simple, honorable soldiers told by humble, hardworking people centuries after those soldiers are but dust and memory.

If you are not crying tears of pure [[awesome]] right now then you are either have no soul or are [[Sly Marbo]].

==6th Edition and Beyond==
[[File:IKErrant battle.jpg|450px|thumbnail|right|THOU SHALL NOT PASS BY A KNIGHT OF HOUSE TERRYN!! HAVE AT THEE [[Tau|BLUEBERRIES]]!!!.]]

Imperial Knights became a Codex in 6th edition. With the ability to be a Household detachment of 3-6 knights or an allied detachment of 1-3 knights, Knights may ally with [[Chaos]], [[Daemon]]s, [[Necron]]s and [[Tyranid|'Nids]] as Come the Apocalypse, [[Dark Eldar]], [[Tau]] and [[Orks]] as Desperate Allies; [[Eldar]] as Allies of Convenience; and all of the Imperium Faction as Battle Brothers (Yes, even [[Grey Knights]]).

'''Note:''' Imperial Knights are only Vehicles, only scoring if they're your primary. But let's face it you're always playing Purge the Alien anyway, even when it's not. The GW Imperial Knights are not Lords of War for other Imperial armies (the FW ones, however, can fit there), they are an army unto themselves. If you're playing 3-6 as a primary detachment, pick one as your Warlord; he gets relics and +1 WS/BS

Lets do the numbers:
*'''1000 pts''' - You can have up to 2 models to fit the points cost. Sadly this means no Primary Detachment or even formations in low point games as everything has a bare 3-knight minimum requirement. You could run 3 Gallants, and have 75 points left for other options/upgrades, but it's not even remotely competitive, even as the formation.
*'''1250 pts''' - Up to three models this time, making it the first points level you can play with your Primary detachment. With the new codex and a slew of upgrades, depending on what you choose, you can fill out the remaining 100 points with either upgrades to the knights themselves, or take one of the more expensive knights (like the Crusader).
*'''1500 pts''' - Perfect if you plan on only taking Paladins, taking Errants will nab you some extra points to upgrade those stubbers into melta guns (or take a gauntlet for every 2 Errants). At this points cost you can field 4 of these Knights. If you want to field any other types, especially the formations, you're gonna have to start dropping knights, or take a few Gallants to free up the points.
*'''1750pts''' - Now possibly the new sweet spot for Knights. With around 250 extra points to play around with, you can either afford to bring in some Crusaders to pack more damage, upgrade every knight with a carapace weapon, or take 3 Gallants (the cheapest Knights) to bring 5 knights in a 1750 game.
*'''1850pts''' - Similar to above, but now you can field 5 Knights without having 3 or 4 of them be Gallants while still having a decent amount of points to play around with. Note that 5 bare naked Errants cost exactly the same amount, so if you're confident in your melta-spam, this works too.
*'''2000pts''' - Now with upgrades, this has also become a sweet spot for people looking to field the Exalted Court or Baronial Court. With roughly 150 extra points to play with, you can either grant each of your knights one of the relics, or start upgrading them with extra weapons and other whistles. Alternatively, you can field up to 6 bare-bones Gallants at this point, which is just enough to take two Gallant Lance Formations (although this is not wise, it is recommended, if only to see the horror in your opponent's face when 6 knights basically leap across the table to charge him).
So what if you want to deploy 6 Knights on the field at once? You are looking at somewhere between 2220 - 2250pts. If you can do this you just paid $840 USD for an entire army of only 6 models, you sir are the envy of many neckbeards and [[Ork#Flash Gits|clearly have more dollars than sense]]. And we thought the Grey Knights were an elite army per model. Or you can just, oh I don't know, scratch build 6 knights and save yourself $820 bucks. Just sayin'.

Note: Flyers may not be laughing quite as hard with the new 7th edition codex, but may giggle a little as the carapace mounted AC isn't too scary (unless you have five knights all with that weapon...but then your opponent may laugh for different reasons). The Warden/Crusaders gatling cannon can do some credible anti-flyer work and may be your best bet. Regardless, it remains a valid tactic to continue to take all those point you couldn't spend (see above) and buy a Vengeance Weapons Battery w. Quad Icarus, or two, or even better a Firestorm Redoubt.

Second Note: FW have made their own version of an all-knight list, which actually has Knights fitting into a modified force org chart.

==Warhammer 40,000 Freeblade==
Yet another exercise in wasted potential, Warhammer 40,00: Freeblade is a [[Awesome|badass looking third person Imperial Knights game]] [[Skub|for iOS and Android]]. You can play it on Windows 10 now!

The plot's simple; you're a newly initiated knight of House Drakkus and your bonding ritual only just finishes when Chaos Space Marines dedicated to Khorne show up and fuck shit up. You end up being the last knight of House Drakkus and you get rescued by the Dark Angels who take you on a merry adventure of fucking [[Orks]] and [[Chaos]] up.

[[Fall of the Eldar|OH NO]]. Turns out that it is a free2play nightmare, with forced 30 second video ads and amazing amounts of not so subtle hints that you should really be buying their shitty supply drop 'loot crates' and a mind boggling array of other detritus.
You know you have a pile of exploitative and badly written shit on your hands when upon clicking on said loot crate, a [[Dark Angels|derpy marine]] with cybernetic implants and a voice like a talking vibrator pops up and proclaims he "Can scarce imagine what glorious spoils lie within- let us find out!" Bleargh.

Its only saving grace is the paint and customise your own knight section, which is kind of fun! One can then take take pictures of said pimped out knight and then promptly uninstall.

It's somewhat decent for a mobile game, which only goes to show the [[Fail|pitiful state]] of [[Derp|mobile gaming]].

[[Extra Heresy|The paid-for Slaneesh Knight skin has Khorne markings on certain high-end wargear pieces too (probably done on purpose to troll Khornates).]]

==See Also ==
* [[Imperial Knight House Creation Tables]], work-in-progress tables you can roll on to generate a Knight House of your own.
*[[Warhammer 40,000/Tactics/Imperial Knights(7E)]]
*[[Warhammer 40,000/Tactics/Questoris Knight Crusade (30k)]]
*[[Warhammer 40,000/Tactics/Imperial Knights(8E)]]

{{Mechanicus}}
{{40k-Imperial-Vehicles}}
{{Imperium}}
{{WH40k-Factions}}

Assholetep

2018-06-08T19:32:53Z

2001:8003:3895:3A00:4550:AA9:C562:19A1: Undo revision 499749 by 2600:387:0:80D:0:0:0:B5 (talk)

[[Image:Assholetep laughs and winks.jpg|thumb|CHK-WHRRRRRR.]]

"An aeons old automaton king... with the petulant impatience and obnoxious tantrums of a 7 year old child."

+++ Imperial Star Charts name this world the Tomb World of the Necron Lord, Assholetep the Insufferable, ruler of the Dikh-Ehd dynasty.

RECOMMENDATION: Avoid at all costs. Assholetep is easier to insult than a catty gay hipster at a costume party on Halloween where like 3 other gay men dressed as the same obscure superhero that you never heard of.

Below are a collection of anecdotes pertaining to the many misdeeds and tantrums of Assholetep the Insufferable.

== Anecdotes ==

>Wakes up 
>Orks looted his favorite Staff of Light. 
>Teleports his entire Tombworld's forces to fight a massive WAAAGH!!! three sectors over. 
>IG happen to be fighting the Orks. 
>Helps them 
>At victory party 
>Planetary-Governor doesn't compliment his new cloak. 
>Entire sub-sector devoid of all life the next week.
--------------------
>Fighting Tyranids 
>Rippers won't let him keep them as pets. 
>To this day, nobody knows what has been cutting a bloody path through Hive Fleet Kraken.
--------------------
>It's his birthday. 
>The Feudal World that hasn't had contact from space in thousands of years forgot. 
>Entire population butchered. 
>Flayed Ones dance around in rotting flesh and party hats.
--------------------
>At victory Banquet after fending off Hive Fleet Gorgon at Ka'mais. 
>Nobody lets him ride in a Crisis Suit. 
>MFW we know the real reason for the Harvest of Ka'mais.
--------------------
>Helps IG fight Chaos for rule over a planet. 
>Weeks into the campaign 
>Lord Commissar mispronounces his name. 
>The Daemon Prince Valshar now rules over Ciruck IV.
--------------------
>Gives Arch-Magos new shiny Necrodermis body. 
>Becomes most trusted advisor. 
>Years later 
>Forgets to polish his Res Orb for him. 
>Magos is melted down and turned into Scarabs. The forgeworld where he grew up is obliterated.
--------------------
>Admech find Assholetep in stasis. 
>Praises him and write legends about him. 
>Thousands of years later they forget. 
>He finds records when he wakes up. 
>They haven't edited his page on Admechpedia in 12000 years. 
>All forgeworlds in the next five sectors melted to a molten goo.
--------------------
>Hive world is under attack by 'Nids. 
>He sees the world being demolished and decides to help. 
>After a month of hard combat the 'Nids are all eradicated. 
>The citizens thank the lord and ask what he would like in return. 
>He asks for a solid gold statue of himself erected in the center of the major city. 
>They comply 
>He inspects the work and finds a 5% impurity of silver in the statue. 
>The hive world is now a dead world.
--------------------
>Assholetep helping a Forgeworld 
>One of their Titans steps on a single Scarab 
>"What do you mean an entire Titan Legion was eaten by bugs"?
--------------------
>His Tomb Ships assist a fleet based Chapter fight off some Dark Eldar 
>Battle Barge cuts in front of them by accident 
>The Space Hawk Chapter no longer exists
--------------------
>Assholetep fights a Khornate daemonic incursion alongside the Space Marines Chapter, the Knights Sanguine 
>During the fight, a member of an Assault Squad accidentally rips Assholetep's cloak with his Lightning claws 
>The entire Knights Sanguine chapter and their Fortress Monastery are vapourised 
>Every Blood Angels chapter receives a vid-capture of Assholetep in a new cloak made from the Purity Seals of the now-extinct chapter, with every mention of the Emperor crossed out and replaced with Assholetep's name 
>The Imperium censors it and hides all evidence, saying the Knights Sanguine were "consumed by war" 
--------------------
>Harvesting residents of a local Feral World 
>Hears Feral Child has insulted him 
>Entire human population besides the child is killed 
>The last image of a sentient creature the child sees is Assholetep mooning him
--------------------
>Assholetep is one of the few remaining Lords wearing the original attire 
>Always made fun of 
>Goes around blowing up other sleeping Tomb Worlds out of spite 
>Whispers "Faggots" under his breath every time
--------------------
>Assholetep meets with some Admech 
>They compliment him on his wonderful Particle Whip 
>Entire Admech presence in five sectors destroyed since they confused his Staff of Light for a Particle Whip
--------------------
>All hot women in a one light year radius suddenly absent from their homes 
>Sweet millions-strong rave party on Assholetep's tomb world 
>Assholetep tries to score with the hottest chick at the party 
>She points out he doesn't have a penis 
>Thus did the Great Raveocaust begin
--------------------
>Assholetep meets [[Angron]] sometime during the 30,000s 
>Both end up severely pissing the other off 
>[[Angron]] goes on to fuck up Armageddon's shit and thus starting a game of one-upsmanship 
>[[Angron]] returns from the warp after one hundred years of being trapped in it, only to find Assholetep waiting for him 
>[[Angron]] is still unable to return from the warp.
--------------------
>Dark Eldar try to settle outside of Commoragh and bump into Assholetep 
>Assholetep wants them to compliment his new set of spikes 
>Dark Eldar call him not spiky enough 
>Ever since then the Dark Eldar have never tried to settle outside of Commorragh again
--------------------
"Hey, Assholetep what are you doing with that tachyon arrow."

"Just trying something. Watch."

And so Assholetep shot the tachyon arrow way into the past and into the [[Emperor]]'s back, who had just finished [[Horus]] off without a scratch and would have led humanity into a new and golden age of prosperity.

What an asshole.
-------------------
>[[Silent King]] arrives at Assholetep's tomb world 
>Talks about saving the living and reunifining the Necrons 
>Forgets Assholetep's name 
>Tyranids are guided by an unseen force and 'om nom 50% of humanity two weeks later 
-------------------
>Assholetep meets some Orkz. 
>They make fun of his hat. 
>All Orkz in the sector now have their asses sewn onto their heads. 
-------------------
>Assholetep meets Cryptek. 
>Cryptek refuses to let him have a turn with his gadgets. 
>Science is now outlawed in the Dynasty of Dikh-Ehd. 
-------------------
>Butchering Dark Eldar 
>Dark Eldar youth throws shoe at his face. 
>Flayed Ones, Flayed Ones everywhere! 
-------------------
>Angry Marines and Assholetep's destroyers get into an arguing match over who killed the most Tau. 
>It was a tie. 
>They proceeded to go to the next world to try to break the tie. 
>There are no more Tau. 
-------------------
>Blood Ravens are "gifted" wargear from Assholetep. 
>They found out they couldn't use it. 
>They return the Cryptech to him. 
>One has a smudge. 
>Necrons confirmed for DoWIII. 
--------------------
>Wake up Assholetep. 
>"I could ask you for immortality, but that sounds boring, wanna go pick up some bitches" 
>Thus reminding him he doesn't have a penis anymore. 
>your death would make Slaaneshi daemons wince. 
--------------------
>Decides he wants a puppy. 
>Goes to Fenris. 
>Logan Grimnar refuses to wear his leash. 
>Now we know why all of the cyber wolves need replacement limbs. 
--------------------
>Imperial hive world in the final stages of Tyranid invasion. 
>Assholetep decides to intervene. 
>After many months, 'Nids are finally repelled. 
>Assholetep discovers a single human family, the sole survivors of the invasion. Not to worry though, the nightmare is over. 
>"Ta-da!" Assholetep proclaims proudly with jazz hands outstretched. 
>The ungrateful fucks keep crying anyway. 
>"I'm fairly sure there used to be a planet here."

== How Others See Him ==

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm cleaning my necroteslagaussflayergun he comes in and is all "heh, still not as big as mine" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber. What an asshole.

...

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm unfolding my Tesseract Labyrinth he comes in and is all "Funny how you can get into a toy, but not into a Necrontyr babe's pants" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber. What an asshole.

...

Assholetep is such an asshole. Everytime I'm playing cards, he burns down several orphanages beats me savagely and forces me to watch an eternity of horrible rap music videos. What an asshole.

...

[[Silent King]] here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Each time We are busy being kingly silent, he shows up and goes, "Eh Your Majesty, do you know what ?" And then, after We asked "[[Wat]]", he winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

[[Trazyn the Infinite]] here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm recovering relics from a fallen Tomb World he comes in and is all "heh, last night I recovered your mom" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

[[Shadowsun|Shadowsun]] here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm killing aliens for the Greater Good, he's all like "Heh. You know what they say about girls who like big guns," and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

[[Space Marine]] here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm purging the heretics and a battle brother dies and is all ''Hey, don't worry, he can get back u- Oh wait'' and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Orikan the Diviner here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time the Stars are Right he comes in and is all "heh, took a Viagra huh?" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

[[Sanguinor]], Exemplar of the [[Blood Angels|Host]] here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm cleansing the [[xenos]] he comes in and is all ''You know what they say about men with big swords'' and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

[[Tau]] water caste ambassador here

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I try to tell him about joining the greater good, he pretends to be interested, wastes my time for an hour then says "The greater good? The greater shit more like" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

[[Dark Eldar]] Incubi here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I threaten to rape and maim him hes all ''Not if i rape you first, tinydick"'' and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

[[Eldar|Fire Dragon]] Exarch here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I go to polish my Fire Pike he comes in and is all ''"Compensating for something?"'' and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Chapter Master Gabriel Seth here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm tearing a new one on some xenos he comes in and is all ''"At least my Lord's not a cripple"'' and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

[[The Wonderful Misadventures of: Inquisitor Fob and the Classy Marines|Classy Marine]] here;

Assholetep is such a bunghole. Every time I am subduing heretics like a gentleman, he proclaims, "Hey, gramps, the 1920's called. They want their clothing back ." And then he winks and guffaws through the entirety of the stasis chamber.

What a twat.

...

Brothar Captaen [[Indrick Boreale]] here,

Asslholetep is shuch an asslhole. Evry tim I'm dropping somme [[Steel Rain|Stehl Rehn]] he cumes in and is all "Brothar Captein Tay Zonday did it betta," and wonks and laughs all teh wey down teh stashis chamba.

Whatt an asslhole.

...

[[Draigo]] here.

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm leaving the warp, he comes up behind me and says 'you know what they say about burly men who dedicate all their deeds and greatest triumphs to other burly men,' and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

[[Vindicare|Ork Sniper]] here.

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm aiming at renegades as my Lady Inquisitor mistress ordered me, he comes up behind me and says 'you know what they say when a man is shooting his load while furtively looking at burly muscle men in action,' and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

[[Cato Sicarius]] here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm cleaning my many medals and awards, he comes up to me and says "You forgot your medal for Pederasty," and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Gregor [[Eisenhorn]] here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm binding Cherubael again, he comes up to me and says "You know when a guy binds another guy" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

[[Space Wolf]] Long Fang here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm combing my beard, he comes up and is all "Must be hard to get cum out of a white beard huh?" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

[[Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka]] here;

Adsholetep iz such an asshole. I led da greatest Waaaagh! dat da galaxy ever seen, an' he comes up an' is all "Iz ya secure in yer manhood, getting kicked off Armo-Geddun just like dat by a squishy old humie wiv a looted powerklaw an' a nice hat?" an' winks an' laughs all da way down iz hole ta nowhere.

wot an asshole.

...

[[Typhus]] here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. When I tried to grant him the gifts of Nurgle (murder him horribly with a disease of my own design), he says "That may have worked... if I wasn't immortal!" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Dark Angels Veteran here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Everytime I'm putting on my robes, he comes up and is all "Did they repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell yet?" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Inquisitor Lord Coteaz here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Everytime I'm issuing orders to the Jokaero, he comes up and is all "ya know, Bananas are extinct hehe" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Necron Overlord here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. I woke up after 64 million years of slumber, and was about to take a spin in my Catacomb Command Barge, when I found out that Assholetep had modified it so that the flying base is going to break like every goddamn day.

What an asshole.

...

Lord Sorcerer Varshask of the Scourged here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. This one time I was getting ready to open a warp rift and then he shows up and goes "So you doing this, is that the warp equivalent of Goatse.cx?" And then he winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber, at which point the Lord of Change we summoned yells "JUST AS PLANNED" and the thing fucking explodes.

We never found a body, though, and you just know he's going to show up in like 4 other subsectors across 15 different timezones. Thanks a fucking bunch, Tzeentch.

Both fucking assholes.

...

Trazyn the Infinite here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. I was polishing and rearranging my relics when he shows up and goes "Hey Trazyn, you sure know how to preserve your relics. I hear you even have your own virginity locked up!" And then he winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

[[Angry Marine]] here;

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...

Norn Queen here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. I was backing up into a more comfortable spot to give birth when he shows up and goes, "BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!" After which he tosses a tub of Ben and Jerry's at me. *Sniff* And then he winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Abbadon the Despoiler here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. I was preparing to go on my 14th black crusade and he shows up and goes, "going on another black crusade? better get arm insurance!" And then he winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

[[Creed]] here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Each time I'm smoking my big black (brown) cigar to show off my contempt to the Black Legion, he shows up and goes, "Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar - Sigmund Freud" And then he winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

ASSHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLEtep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...

[[Salamanders|Vulkan He'stan]] here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Whenever I'm smiting the Empra's foes with my bolter he comes up and says "Why aren't you holding that sideways?" then winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

Assholetep is such an asshole. Each time I'm dressing like a catty gay hipster for a costume party on Halloween where like 3 other gay men dressed as the same obscure superhero that you never heard of, he shows up and goes, "You know when their is an easily insulted catty gay hipster at a costume party on Halloween where like 3 other gay men dressed as the same obscure superhero that you never heard of," and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber. I'm not insulted.

What an asshole.

...

[[Eldrad]] Ulthran here;

"Assholetep is a great guy. You know, for a Necrontyr. You'd like him. I already invited him to that party you're throwing, so be grateful."

What a dick.

...

[[Anrakyr the Traveller]] here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time Im fighting tyranid fleets he comes up and says "Whats the matter? Could'nt find any Blood Angels to help you?" then winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

'''**[[Tyranid|Ş̧̨̛͚͓͖̫͉̮̦̭̘͕̻ͅS̵̷̴͍͔̠̘̹̀͞ͅS̵̸͓͖̝̫̣̫̗̱͖̰̗̣̼̰̣̤͟͜S̵̛̳̫̱̪̪͈͚̦͖͙̝̯̫͙ͅS̸̭͓̲̞͇̰͍͍̠͇̙̞̕͞Ş̶̠̳͚̙̣̞̯̺̭́͘͠Ś̢̰̯͇̖̩̬̯̭͈͎͞ͅ W̨̬̟̜̱̭̹̙̗͡ͅͅͅH̸̷̳̠̜̤̤͈̼̱͉̯̟̫̥̹̜͓̮̲͓͟͝Á̸͏̛͎̝̹̯̤̦͖͍͙͝ͅT̖̬͖̥͚͉͚͚̺̻͎̬͈̤͕́͞͝ ̸̞̱̹͎̝̣̱̪̘̦̠͢͠͞A҉̸̢̞̠̭̜̠͚͉̫̪̦̪͚͕͉͚͠ͅǸ̷͈̭͕̭͕͓̳ ̷͕̹̮̹͞Ą̶̨̰̳͇̝̘̝͖͚͓̲͎̰͚̞͢͢Ş͉̞͉̘̘̮̟̺͔̱̱̠͟S̛̖̖̺̼̱̮̭͈̭̞͍̱̬̪̙̻̥̯͢S̝̦̯̝̗̩͚̀S̪̗͙͎̠͚̀͘͢͟͝S̢͕͇̟͎̻̤͓̲̦͘͘Ş̴̧͎̣̺̰̫̤͙̮͖̰͕̠̭͖̬͢͟H̩̰̠̲͔͉̺͚̤̥͕̖̦̫̼̰͓̝͠ͅO̴͙̹̱̞̺̭̣̪̮̞̤̦̟͢Ḷ̸̷̝̖̜̦̟̥̲́̕͡ͅE̡͔͎̫̱̰͔̻̠͎͉̳͇̘͎͔͎͔̥̳͞]]**'''

==Writefaggotry==
Brother-Captain Israyal Behradiam stood atop a mountain of destroyed Necron warriors, surveying the battlefield with a weary, sad eye. Across the plains, Imperial Guard, Space marine and Necron bodies carpeted the ground and burnt out husks of Leman Russ Battle Tanks and Chimeras blazed merrily in the fog of the dawn. He was alone now, for his after-battle prayers. But in the devastation, Guardsmen and Apothecaries moved throughout the corpse-strewn wasteland tending to their wounded and ensuring that the defeated Necrons were good and dead. It had been a costly battle but, thankfully, and with the Emperor’s grace, the Necrons had been defeated.
“My Emperor,” Behradiam murmured into the mist began, reciting the litany of victory, “I thank you this hour for the protection you have granted me in the battle past. I thank you for the victory you have delivered me and my brothers. I thank you for the strength you provided me, with which I have smited your foes.
“My Emperor, I would ask you to grant peace and safety on this world. It has seen enough horror for its time. I would ask you protect it and be its guardian and light in the darkness, watch over it and deliver it from evil.”
Behradiam fell silent, lips pressed in a thin line, still and unmoving, as he watched the silhouettes of a Guardsmen pick their way through the broken human wreckage on the ground. One Guardsman knelt beside a body and removed something from his flak jacket and laid it on the corpse.

Such waste of life, Behradiam thought. It always pained him to see the aftermath of a battle. Five hundred years of service and still he would look in the mirror after a major battle and see two or three more scars – two or three more lucky escapes – and think of those not so fortunate. Even now he could remember a Guardsman – no, a child, pressed into service to defend his home, only fifteen – screaming and crying as a Necron draped in flesh tore him apart. He knew that child’s face would join millions of others that visited him every night before his rest. Those he couldn’t save. The nameless ghosts that haunted him. He knew that when he returned to the Fortress Monastery the first thing he would do would be to have a shower – scalding hot – where his tears would be indistinguishable from the water and his despair inaudible over the hiss of steam.
“I would ask your forgiveness,” Behradiam said, forcing the words past the lump in his throat, “my Emperor, for the lives I have lost. I am not a perfect man, my Emperor, and though I try my hardest, still it is not enough.”

A single tear ran down his face, followed by another. He always chose to be alone after a battle – it did not befit a Brother-Captain to weep.
“I try so hard, my Emperor. I do this for you, my Emperor. I sent these men to their deaths for you, my Emperor. I killed them for you. I ask you forgiveness. Please. This sin weighs heavily upon me, my Emperor. Just…”
Behradiam choked down a sob.
“Just tell me I am doing a good job.”
There was a crack and a flash and, through eyes blurred with salt water, Behradiam saw the image of a Necron Lord appear in front of him. Before he could even grab for his bolter, though, the Lord had already struck. The Lord plucked the bolter from his hands and drove his staff deep into Behradiam’s gut. Behradiam was in agony. He had known that the Necron Lord could teleport – hell, the Necron lord had escaped because of that very ability. Why had he been so stupid as to go off alone? Why? Now he was going to pay the price. Any moment now, the killing blow would come. Behradiam would face his death with honour, though. He set his features – all emotions other than steely determination forgotten now.
Any moment now the killing blow would come.
To his surprise, it did not.

“You,” the Lord spoke, “are a colossal waste of space.”
The Lord twisted its staff, sending more waves of pain through Behradiam’s body. Behradiam cursed himself for his weakness – for his foolishness.
The Lord’s face didn’t move, but with his dimming consciousness Behradiam swore it seemed to exude more of a… genial, joyous air than it did a few moments ago. The Lord was revelling in this execution.
“You know, if I were your Emperor, I wouldn’t forgive you. You’re a hopeless commander, Brother Captain.”
“I still,” Behradiam gargled out past the blood in his mouth, “managed to defeat you, Xeno.”
“With a casualty rate thirty per cent higher than what I predicted you would incur, and I even factored in natural human stupidity into that. Absolutely pathetic effort, Brother Captain.”
The Lord wrenched his staff again, the pain bringing Behradiam back to consciousness as his mind began to slip.
“I heard what you said before, Brother Captain. You seem like a man who feels very guilty for his own failings. You should. You’re inability to lead and your stupid decisions got your fellow fleshsacks killed. I put more effort into keeping my soldiers alive than you do, Brother Captain, and my soldiers are mindless machines.”
For some perverse reason, Behradiam felt the need to defend himself against this Lord’s verbal onslaught. “I did – cough – my best.”
“Not good enough, fleshling. Not good enough at all.”
“Good – cough – enough to – cough – defeat you.”

The Lord did not reply. Instead a rod appeared in the hand not holding his staff that crackled with fierce green energy. The Lord hefted the rod and pressed it into Behradiam’s forehead.
Searing agony spread throughout Behradiam’s body – the like of which he had never felt before. Not even his short stint in a Dark Eldar ship’s brig had compared to this. Oh, Emperor, the pain! Still, Behradiam did not break. Even as it coursed throughout his body like lava, Behradiam did not cry out. He would endure. He would die with honour and dignity and a pile of other words, like a space marine was supposed to.
Behradiam’s mind began to spiral towards blackness. Death and pain were closing in. He could feel the end, the cold. It scared him like nothing before. Behradiam had been afraid – of Tyranids, of Chaos, of the Inquisition – but never like this. The idea of meeting his end filled him with abject terror. He knew the Emperor would not accept him – his failures had been too grievous. The pain and the fear were overwhelming.
Behradiam screamed. He screamed and screamed and the tears poured down his face and blood dribbled from his mouth. His voice carried the note of desperation.

“Emperor please, stop! STOP! STOP THE PAIN. I’LL DO ANYTHING, PLEASE. I’M BEGGING YOU. I BEG OF YOU. EMPEROR PLEASE, WHY DO YOU ABANDON ME? I DID MY BEST! PLEASE! PLEASE!”
The screams faded and his mind began to blank and all he heard in his final moment of life was a soft “chk-rrrr” and a Necron Lord laughing.
The blackness descended and the pain faded and Behradiam was no more.
The Necron Lord withdrew his staff from the dead space marine and tried to shake off the blood.
The Lord accessed the Imperial communications grid and began to broadcast the video, forwarding the file to everybody he had listed down as one of the Brother Captain’s friends with a small message attached:
“He died like a little bitch. Pathetic.”
He even sent a copy to the Brother Captain’s family and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

== Potential Rules ==

'''Assholetep the Insufferable'''

'''Points:''' 270

'''Unit Type:''' Infantry, Independent Character

'''WS BS S T W I A Ld Sv'''

5 5 5 5 3 2 3 10 2+/4++.

'''Wargear:''' Phase Shiftier, Resurrection Orb, Tachyon Arrow, Original Necron Lord Garments (counts as Sempiternal Weave)

Insufferable Staff: The Insufferable Staff is a Staff of Light that also functions as a melee weapon. Melee Profile: Strength – User, AP – 2, Concussive.

'''Special rules:''' Reanimation Protocols, Ever-living

'''I Shall Taunt You'''

Every unit in melee combat against Assholetep the Insufferable or a squad containing Assholetep the Insufferable gains ‘Hatred: Assholetep the Insufferable’ in their round of combat. Any model killed in a challenge by Assholetep counts as two kill points rather than one as Assholetep degrades them for losing to him.

'''Easily Offended'''

Assholetep cannot refuse challenges. When a Model denies a challenge from Assholetep or Assholetep takes a wound (before saves are rolled), Assholetep the Insufferable and any squad he joins gains Rage, Furious charge, Preferred Enemy and Hatred against that model/that squad.

'''HUGE RAGE'''

Pick a unit at the beginning of the battle. It is Assholetep the Insufferable's favorite troop/s. If that unit takes an unsaved wound (before Reanimation Protocols) or an unsaved penetrating hit, Assholetep the Insufferable gains Rage, Hatred and Furious charge. This persists even through any Reanimation Protocols rolls. If Assholetep loses his last wound but comes back through Reanimation Protocols, unless they are already in effect he gains Rage, Furious Charge, Hatred (Everything!) and Preferred Enemy (Everything!).

== Gallery ==
<center>
<gallery>
Image:Assholetep Exploitable.jpg|Oh exploitable!
Image:Assholetep asshole smile.jpg
Image:Assholetep fanart.jpg
Image:Assholetepwinkingandgrinning.jpg
</gallery>
</center>

== Links ==
*[http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/16649661/#16650231 The genesis of Assholetep]
*[http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/16772808/ Thread codifying the "Classic Necron Lord" model as Assholetep, with 110% more assholery]
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfbK_dbsCu0 Assholetep after realizing that he no longer has a dick.]

[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]] [[Category:Necrons]][[Category:/tg/ 40,000]]

Assholetep

2018-06-08T19:32:45Z

2001:8003:3895:3A00:4550:AA9:C562:19A1: Undo revision 499750 by 2600:387:0:80D:0:0:0:B5 (talk)

[[Image:Assholetep laughs and winks.jpg|thumb|CHK-WHRRRRRR.]]

"An aeons old automaton king... with the petulant impatience and obnoxious tantrums of a 7 year old child."

+++ Imperial Star Charts name this world the Tomb World of the Necron Lord, Assholetep the Insufferable, ruler of the Dikh-Ehd dynasty.

RECOMMENDATION: Avoid at all costs. Assholetep is easier to insult than a catty gay hipster at a costume party on Halloween where like 3 other gay men dressed as the same obscure superhero that you never heard of.

Below are a collection of anecdotes pertaining to the many misdeeds and tantrums of Assholetep the Insufferable.

== Anecdotes ==

>Wakes up 
>Orks looted his favorite Staff of Light. 
>Teleports his entire Tombworld's forces to fight a massive WAAAGH!!! three sectors over. 
>IG happen to be fighting the Orks. 
>Helps them 
>At victory party 
>Planetary-Governor doesn't compliment his new cloak. 
>Entire sub-sector devoid of all life the next week.
--------------------
>Fighting Tyranids 
>Rippers won't let him keep them as pets. 
>To this day, nobody knows what has been cutting a bloody path through Hive Fleet Kraken.
--------------------
>It's his birthday. 
>The Feudal World that hasn't had contact from space in thousands of years forgot. 
>Entire population butchered. 
>Flayed Ones dance around in rotting flesh and party hats.
--------------------
>At victory Banquet after fending off Hive Fleet Gorgon at Ka'mais. 
>Nobody lets him ride in a Crisis Suit. 
>MFW we know the real reason for the Harvest of Ka'mais.
--------------------
>Helps IG fight Chaos for rule over a planet. 
>Weeks into the campaign 
>Lord Commissar mispronounces his name. 
>The Daemon Prince Valshar now rules over Ciruck IV.
--------------------
>Gives Arch-Magos new shiny Necrodermis body. 
>Becomes most trusted advisor. 
>Years later 
>Forgets to polish his Res Orb for him. 
>Magos is melted down and turned into Scarabs. The forgeworld where he grew up is obliterated.
--------------------
>Admech find Assholetep in stasis. 
>Praises him and write legends about him. 
>Thousands of years later they forget. 
>He finds records when he wakes up. 
>They haven't edited his page on Admechpedia in 12000 years. 
>All forgeworlds in the next five sectors melted to a molten goo.
--------------------
>Hive world is under attack by 'Nids. 
>He sees the world being demolished and decides to help. 
>After a month of hard combat the 'Nids are all eradicated. 
>The citizens thank the lord and ask what he would like in return. 
>He asks for a solid gold statue of himself erected in the center of the major city. 
>They comply 
>He inspects the work and finds a 5% impurity of silver in the statue. 
>The hive world is now a dead world.
--------------------
>Assholetep helping a Forgeworld 
>One of their Titans steps on a single Scarab 
>"What do you mean an entire Titan Legion was eaten by bugs"?
--------------------
>His Tomb Ships assist a fleet based Chapter fight off some Dark Eldar 
>Battle Barge cuts in front of them by accident 
>The Space Hawk Chapter no longer exists
--------------------
>Assholetep fights a Khornate daemonic incursion alongside the Space Marines Chapter, the Knights Sanguine 
>During the fight, a member of an Assault Squad accidentally rips Assholetep's cloak with his Lightning claws 
>The entire Knights Sanguine chapter and their Fortress Monastery are vapourised 
>Every Blood Angels chapter receives a vid-capture of Assholetep in a new cloak made from the Purity Seals of the now-extinct chapter, with every mention of the Emperor crossed out and replaced with Assholetep's name 
>The Imperium censors it and hides all evidence, saying the Knights Sanguine were "consumed by war" 
--------------------
>Harvesting residents of a local Feral World 
>Hears Feral Child has insulted him 
>Entire human population besides the child is killed 
>The last image of a sentient creature the child sees is Assholetep mooning him
--------------------
>Assholetep is one of the few remaining Lords wearing the original attire 
>Always made fun of 
>Goes around blowing up other sleeping Tomb Worlds out of spite 
>Whispers "Faggots" under his breath every time
--------------------
>Assholetep meets with some Admech 
>They compliment him on his wonderful Particle Whip 
>Entire Admech presence in five sectors destroyed since they confused his Staff of Light for a Particle Whip
--------------------
>All hot women in a one light year radius suddenly absent from their homes 
>Sweet millions-strong rave party on Assholetep's tomb world 
>Assholetep tries to score with the hottest chick at the party 
>She points out he doesn't have a penis 
>Thus did the Great Raveocaust begin
--------------------
>Assholetep meets [[Angron]] sometime during the 30,000s 
>Both end up severely pissing the other off 
>[[Angron]] goes on to fuck up Armageddon's shit and thus starting a game of one-upsmanship 
>[[Angron]] returns from the warp after one hundred years of being trapped in it, only to find Assholetep waiting for him 
>[[Angron]] is still unable to return from the warp.
--------------------
>Dark Eldar try to settle outside of Commoragh and bump into Assholetep 
>Assholetep wants them to compliment his new set of spikes 
>Dark Eldar call him not spiky enough 
>Ever since then the Dark Eldar have never tried to settle outside of Commorragh again
--------------------
"Hey, Assholetep what are you doing with that tachyon arrow."

"Just trying something. Watch."

And so Assholetep shot the tachyon arrow way into the past and into the [[Emperor]]'s back, who had just finished [[Horus]] off without a scratch and would have led humanity into a new and golden age of prosperity.

What an asshole.
-------------------
>[[Silent King]] arrives at Assholetep's tomb world 
>Talks about saving the living and reunifining the Necrons 
>Forgets Assholetep's name 
>Tyranids are guided by an unseen force and 'om nom 50% of humanity two weeks later 
-------------------
>Assholetep meets some Orkz. 
>They make fun of his hat. 
>All Orkz in the sector now have their asses sewn onto their heads. 
-------------------
>Assholetep meets Cryptek. 
>Cryptek refuses to let him have a turn with his gadgets. 
>Science is now outlawed in the Dynasty of Dikh-Ehd. 
-------------------
>Butchering Dark Eldar 
>Dark Eldar youth throws shoe at his face. 
>Flayed Ones, Flayed Ones everywhere! 
-------------------
>Angry Marines and Assholetep's destroyers get into an arguing match over who killed the most Tau. 
>It was a tie. 
>They proceeded to go to the next world to try to break the tie. 
>There are no more Tau. 
-------------------
>Blood Ravens are "gifted" wargear from Assholetep. 
>They found out they couldn't use it. 
>They return the Cryptech to him. 
>One has a smudge. 
>Necrons confirmed for DoWIII. 
--------------------
>Wake up Assholetep. 
>"I could ask you for immortality, but that sounds boring, wanna go pick up some bitches" 
>Thus reminding him he doesn't have a penis anymore. 
>your death would make Slaaneshi daemons wince. 
--------------------
>Decides he wants a puppy. 
>Goes to Fenris. 
>Logan Grimnar refuses to wear his leash. 
>Now we know why all of the cyber wolves need replacement limbs. 
--------------------
>Imperial hive world in the final stages of Tyranid invasion. 
>Assholetep decides to intervene. 
>After many months, 'Nids are finally repelled. 
>Assholetep discovers a single human family, the sole survivors of the invasion. Not to worry though, the nightmare is over. 
>"Ta-da!" Assholetep proclaims proudly with jazz hands outstretched. 
>The ungrateful fucks keep crying anyway. 
>"I'm fairly sure there used to be a planet here."

== How Others See Him ==

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm cleaning my necroteslagaussflayergun he comes in and is all "heh, still not as big as mine" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber. What an asshole.

...

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm unfolding my Tesseract Labyrinth he comes in and is all "Funny how you can get into a toy, but not into a Necrontyr babe's pants" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber. What an asshole.

...

Assholetep is such an asshole. Everytime I'm playing cards, he burns down several orphanages beats me savagely and forces me to watch an eternity of horrible rap music videos. What an asshole.

...

[[Silent King]] here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Each time We are busy being kingly silent, he shows up and goes, "Eh Your Majesty, do you know what ?" And then, after We asked "[[Wat]]", he winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

[[Trazyn the Infinite]] here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm recovering relics from a fallen Tomb World he comes in and is all "heh, last night I recovered your mom" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

[[Shadowsun|Shadowsun]] here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm killing aliens for the Greater Good, he's all like "Heh. You know what they say about girls who like big guns," and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

[[Space Marine]] here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm purging the heretics and a battle brother dies and is all ''Hey, don't worry, he can get back u- Oh wait'' and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Orikan the Diviner here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time the Stars are Right he comes in and is all "heh, took a Viagra huh?" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

[[Sanguinor]], Exemplar of the [[Blood Angels|Host]] here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm cleansing the [[xenos]] he comes in and is all ''You know what they say about men with big swords'' and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

[[Tau]] water caste ambassador here

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I try to tell him about joining the greater good, he pretends to be interested, wastes my time for an hour then says "The greater good? The greater shit more like" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

[[Dark Eldar]] Incubi here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I threaten to rape and maim him hes all ''Not if i rape you first, tinydick"'' and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

[[Eldar|Fire Dragon]] Exarch here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I go to polish my Fire Pike he comes in and is all ''"Compensating for something?"'' and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Chapter Master Gabriel Seth here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm tearing a new one on some xenos he comes in and is all ''"At least my Lord's not a cripple"'' and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

[[The Wonderful Misadventures of: Inquisitor Fob and the Classy Marines|Classy Marine]] here;

Assholetep is such a bunghole. Every time I am subduing heretics like a gentleman, he proclaims, "Hey, gramps, the 1920's called. They want their clothing back ." And then he winks and guffaws through the entirety of the stasis chamber.

What a twat.

...

Brothar Captaen [[Indrick Boreale]] here,

Asslholetep is shuch an asslhole. Evry tim I'm dropping somme [[Steel Rain|Stehl Rehn]] he cumes in and is all "Brothar Captein Tay Zonday did it betta," and wonks and laughs all teh wey down teh stashis chamba.

Whatt an asslhole.

...

[[Draigo]] here.

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm leaving the warp, he comes up behind me and says 'you know what they say about burly men who dedicate all their deeds and greatest triumphs to other burly men,' and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

[[Vindicare|Ork Sniper]] here.

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm aiming at renegades as my Lady Inquisitor mistress ordered me, he comes up behind me and says 'you know what they say when a man is shooting his load while furtively looking at burly muscle men in action,' and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

[[Cato Sicarius]] here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm cleaning my many medals and awards, he comes up to me and says "You forgot your medal for Pederasty," and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Gregor [[Eisenhorn]] here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm binding Cherubael again, he comes up to me and says "You know when a guy binds another guy" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

[[Space Wolf]] Long Fang here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time I'm combing my beard, he comes up and is all "Must be hard to get cum out of a white beard huh?" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

[[Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka]] here;

Adsholetep iz such an asshole. I led da greatest Waaaagh! dat da galaxy ever seen, an' he comes up an' is all "Iz ya secure in yer manhood, getting kicked off Armo-Geddun just like dat by a squishy old humie wiv a looted powerklaw an' a nice hat?" an' winks an' laughs all da way down iz hole ta nowhere.

wot an asshole.

...

[[Typhus]] here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. When I tried to grant him the gifts of Nurgle (murder him horribly with a disease of my own design), he says "That may have worked... if I wasn't immortal!" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Dark Angels Veteran here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Everytime I'm putting on my robes, he comes up and is all "Did they repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell yet?" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Inquisitor Lord Coteaz here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Everytime I'm issuing orders to the Jokaero, he comes up and is all "ya know, Bananas are extinct hehe" and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Necron Overlord here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. I woke up after 64 million years of slumber, and was about to take a spin in my Catacomb Command Barge, when I found out that Assholetep had modified it so that the flying base is going to break like every goddamn day.

What an asshole.

...

Lord Sorcerer Varshask of the Scourged here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. This one time I was getting ready to open a warp rift and then he shows up and goes "So you doing this, is that the warp equivalent of Goatse.cx?" And then he winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber, at which point the Lord of Change we summoned yells "JUST AS PLANNED" and the thing fucking explodes.

We never found a body, though, and you just know he's going to show up in like 4 other subsectors across 15 different timezones. Thanks a fucking bunch, Tzeentch.

Both fucking assholes.

...

Trazyn the Infinite here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. I was polishing and rearranging my relics when he shows up and goes "Hey Trazyn, you sure know how to preserve your relics. I hear you even have your own virginity locked up!" And then he winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

[[Angry Marine]] here;

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...

Norn Queen here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. I was backing up into a more comfortable spot to give birth when he shows up and goes, "BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!" After which he tosses a tub of Ben and Jerry's at me. *Sniff* And then he winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

Abbadon the Despoiler here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. I was preparing to go on my 14th black crusade and he shows up and goes, "going on another black crusade? better get arm insurance!" And then he winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

...

[[Creed]] here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Each time I'm smoking my big black (brown) cigar to show off my contempt to the Black Legion, he shows up and goes, "Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar - Sigmund Freud" And then he winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

ASSHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLEtep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...

[[Salamanders|Vulkan He'stan]] here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Whenever I'm smiting the Empra's foes with my bolter he comes up and says "Why aren't you holding that sideways?" then winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.
...

[[Eldrad]] Ulthran here;

"Assholetep is a great guy. You know, for a Necrontyr. You'd like him. I already invited him to that party you're throwing, so be grateful."

What a dick.

...

[[Anrakyr the Traveller]] here;

Assholetep is such an asshole. Every time Im fighting tyranid fleets he comes up and says "Whats the matter? Could'nt find any Blood Angels to help you?" then winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

'''**[[Tyranid|Ş̧̨̛͚͓͖̫͉̮̦̭̘͕̻ͅS̵̷̴͍͔̠̘̹̀͞ͅS̵̸͓͖̝̫̣̫̗̱͖̰̗̣̼̰̣̤͟͜S̵̛̳̫̱̪̪͈͚̦͖͙̝̯̫͙ͅS̸̭͓̲̞͇̰͍͍̠͇̙̞̕͞Ş̶̠̳͚̙̣̞̯̺̭́͘͠Ś̢̰̯͇̖̩̬̯̭͈͎͞ͅ W̨̬̟̜̱̭̹̙̗͡ͅͅͅH̸̷̳̠̜̤̤͈̼̱͉̯̟̫̥̹̜͓̮̲͓͟͝Á̸͏̛͎̝̹̯̤̦͖͍͙͝ͅT̖̬͖̥͚͉͚͚̺̻͎̬͈̤͕́͞͝ ̸̞̱̹͎̝̣̱̪̘̦̠͢͠͞A҉̸̢̞̠̭̜̠͚͉̫̪̦̪͚͕͉͚͠ͅǸ̷͈̭͕̭͕͓̳ ̷͕̹̮̹͞Ą̶̨̰̳͇̝̘̝͖͚͓̲͎̰͚̞͢͢Ş͉̞͉̘̘̮̟̺͔̱̱̠͟S̛̖̖̺̼̱̮̭͈̭̞͍̱̬̪̙̻̥̯͢S̝̦̯̝̗̩͚̀S̪̗͙͎̠͚̀͘͢͟͝S̢͕͇̟͎̻̤͓̲̦͘͘Ş̴̧͎̣̺̰̫̤͙̮͖̰͕̠̭͖̬͢͟H̩̰̠̲͔͉̺͚̤̥͕̖̦̫̼̰͓̝͠ͅO̴͙̹̱̞̺̭̣̪̮̞̤̦̟͢Ḷ̸̷̝̖̜̦̟̥̲́̕͡ͅE̡͔͎̫̱̰͔̻̠͎͉̳͇̘͎͔͎͔̥̳͞]]**'''

==Writefaggotry==
Brother-Captain Israyal Behradiam stood atop a mountain of destroyed Necron warriors, surveying the battlefield with a weary, sad eye. Across the plains, Imperial Guard, Space marine and Necron bodies carpeted the ground and burnt out husks of Leman Russ Battle Tanks and Chimeras blazed merrily in the fog of the dawn. He was alone now, for his after-battle prayers. But in the devastation, Guardsmen and Apothecaries moved throughout the corpse-strewn wasteland tending to their wounded and ensuring that the defeated Necrons were good and dead. It had been a costly battle but, thankfully, and with the Emperor’s grace, the Necrons had been defeated.
“My Emperor,” Behradiam murmured into the mist began, reciting the litany of victory, “I thank you this hour for the protection you have granted me in the battle past. I thank you for the victory you have delivered me and my brothers. I thank you for the strength you provided me, with which I have smited your foes.
“My Emperor, I would ask you to grant peace and safety on this world. It has seen enough horror for its time. I would ask you protect it and be its guardian and light in the darkness, watch over it and deliver it from evil.”
Behradiam fell silent, lips pressed in a thin line, still and unmoving, as he watched the silhouettes of a Guardsmen pick their way through the broken human wreckage on the ground. One Guardsman knelt beside a body and removed something from his flak jacket and laid it on the corpse.

Such waste of life, Behradiam thought. It always pained him to see the aftermath of a battle. Five hundred years of service and still he would look in the mirror after a major battle and see two or three more scars – two or three more lucky escapes – and think of those not so fortunate. Even now he could remember a Guardsman – no, a child, pressed into service to defend his home, only fifteen – screaming and crying as a Necron draped in flesh tore him apart. He knew that child’s face would join millions of others that visited him every night before his rest. Those he couldn’t save. The nameless ghosts that haunted him. He knew that when he returned to the Fortress Monastery the first thing he would do would be to have a shower – scalding hot – where his tears would be indistinguishable from the water and his despair inaudible over the hiss of steam.
“I would ask your forgiveness,” Behradiam said, forcing the words past the lump in his throat, “my Emperor, for the lives I have lost. I am not a perfect man, my Emperor, and though I try my hardest, still it is not enough.”

A single tear ran down his face, followed by another. He always chose to be alone after a battle – it did not befit a Brother-Captain to weep.
“I try so hard, my Emperor. I do this for you, my Emperor. I sent these men to their deaths for you, my Emperor. I killed them for you. I ask you forgiveness. Please. This sin weighs heavily upon me, my Emperor. Just…”
Behradiam choked down a sob.
“Just tell me I am doing a good job.”
There was a crack and a flash and, through eyes blurred with salt water, Behradiam saw the image of a Necron Lord appear in front of him. Before he could even grab for his bolter, though, the Lord had already struck. The Lord plucked the bolter from his hands and drove his staff deep into Behradiam’s gut. Behradiam was in agony. He had known that the Necron Lord could teleport – hell, the Necron lord had escaped because of that very ability. Why had he been so stupid as to go off alone? Why? Now he was going to pay the price. Any moment now, the killing blow would come. Behradiam would face his death with honour, though. He set his features – all emotions other than steely determination forgotten now.
Any moment now the killing blow would come.
To his surprise, it did not.

“You,” the Lord spoke, “are a colossal waste of space.”
The Lord twisted its staff, sending more waves of pain through Behradiam’s body. Behradiam cursed himself for his weakness – for his foolishness.
The Lord’s face didn’t move, but with his dimming consciousness Behradiam swore it seemed to exude more of a… genial, joyous air than it did a few moments ago. The Lord was revelling in this execution.
“You know, if I were your Emperor, I wouldn’t forgive you. You’re a hopeless commander, Brother Captain.”
“I still,” Behradiam gargled out past the blood in his mouth, “managed to defeat you, Xeno.”
“With a casualty rate thirty per cent higher than what I predicted you would incur, and I even factored in natural human stupidity into that. Absolutely pathetic effort, Brother Captain.”
The Lord wrenched his staff again, the pain bringing Behradiam back to consciousness as his mind began to slip.
“I heard what you said before, Brother Captain. You seem like a man who feels very guilty for his own failings. You should. You’re inability to lead and your stupid decisions got your fellow fleshsacks killed. I put more effort into keeping my soldiers alive than you do, Brother Captain, and my soldiers are mindless machines.”
For some perverse reason, Behradiam felt the need to defend himself against this Lord’s verbal onslaught. “I did – cough – my best.”
“Not good enough, fleshling. Not good enough at all.”
“Good – cough – enough to – cough – defeat you.”

The Lord did not reply. Instead a rod appeared in the hand not holding his staff that crackled with fierce green energy. The Lord hefted the rod and pressed it into Behradiam’s forehead.
Searing agony spread throughout Behradiam’s body – the like of which he had never felt before. Not even his short stint in a Dark Eldar ship’s brig had compared to this. Oh, Emperor, the pain! Still, Behradiam did not break. Even as it coursed throughout his body like lava, Behradiam did not cry out. He would endure. He would die with honour and dignity and a pile of other words, like a space marine was supposed to.
Behradiam’s mind began to spiral towards blackness. Death and pain were closing in. He could feel the end, the cold. It scared him like nothing before. Behradiam had been afraid – of Tyranids, of Chaos, of the Inquisition – but never like this. The idea of meeting his end filled him with abject terror. He knew the Emperor would not accept him – his failures had been too grievous. The pain and the fear were overwhelming.
Behradiam screamed. He screamed and screamed and the tears poured down his face and blood dribbled from his mouth. His voice carried the note of desperation.

“Emperor please, stop! STOP! STOP THE PAIN. I’LL DO ANYTHING, PLEASE. I’M BEGGING YOU. I BEG OF YOU. EMPEROR PLEASE, WHY DO YOU ABANDON ME? I DID MY BEST! PLEASE! PLEASE!”
The screams faded and his mind began to blank and all he heard in his final moment of life was a soft “chk-rrrr” and a Necron Lord laughing.
The blackness descended and the pain faded and Behradiam was no more.
The Necron Lord withdrew his staff from the dead space marine and tried to shake off the blood.
The Lord accessed the Imperial communications grid and began to broadcast the video, forwarding the file to everybody he had listed down as one of the Brother Captain’s friends with a small message attached:
“He died like a little bitch. Pathetic.”
He even sent a copy to the Brother Captain’s family and winks and laughs all the way down the stasis chamber.

What an asshole.

== Potential Rules ==

'''Assholetep the Insufferable'''

'''Points:''' 270

'''Unit Type:''' Infantry, Independent Character

'''WS BS S T W I A Ld Sv'''

5 5 5 5 3 2 3 10 2+/4++.

'''Wargear:''' Phase Shiftier, Resurrection Orb, Tachyon Arrow, Original Necron Lord Garments (counts as Sempiternal Weave)

Insufferable Staff: The Insufferable Staff is a Staff of Light that also functions as a melee weapon. Melee Profile: Strength – User, AP – 2, Concussive.

'''Special rules:''' Reanimation Protocols, Ever-living

'''I Shall Taunt You'''

Every unit in melee combat against Assholetep the Insufferable or a squad containing Assholetep the Insufferable gains ‘Hatred: Assholetep the Insufferable’ in their round of combat. Any model killed in a challenge by Assholetep counts as two kill points rather than one as Assholetep degrades them for losing to him.

'''Easily Offended'''

Assholetep cannot refuse challenges. When a Model denies a challenge from Assholetep or Assholetep takes a wound (before saves are rolled), Assholetep the Insufferable and any squad he joins gains Rage, Furious charge, Preferred Enemy and Hatred against that model/that squad.

'''HUGE RAGE'''

Pick a unit at the beginning of the battle. It is Assholetep the Insufferable's favorite troop/s. If that unit takes an unsaved wound (before Reanimation Protocols) or an unsaved penetrating hit, Assholetep the Insufferable gains Rage, Hatred and Furious charge. This persists even through any Reanimation Protocols rolls. If Assholetep loses his last wound but comes back through Reanimation Protocols, unless they are already in effect he gains Rage, Furious Charge, Hatred (Everything!) and Preferred Enemy (Everything!).

== Gallery ==
<center>
<gallery>
Image:Assholetep Exploitable.jpg|Oh exploitable!
Image:Assholetep asshole smile.jpg
Image:Assholetep fanart.jpg
Image:Assholetepwinkingandgrinning.jpg
</gallery>
</center>

== Links ==
*[http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/16649661/#16650231 The genesis of Assholetep]
*[http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/16772808/ Thread codifying the "Classic Necron Lord" model as Assholetep, with 110% more assholery]
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfbK_dbsCu0 Assholetep after realizing that he no longer has a dick.]

[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]] [[Category:Necrons]][[Category:/tg/ 40,000]]