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Cegorach

2017-06-25T21:13:48Z

2600:100F:B12C:AC4C:EC87:6F84:2480:A9CD: /* Fun(ny) facts */

[[File:500px-The_Laughing_God.png|400px|right|thumb|Just look at that grin. How can you possibly hate this guy?]]
<div style="font-size:1.10em;font-weight:italic;font-style:italic;font-family:serif;margin-top:1em;margin-bottom:1em"> HELLO, CHILD. DO YOU WANT TO PLAY A GAME? - The quote that Cegorach always says'''</div>

''"The only cure for vanity is laughter, and the only fault that is laughable is vanity."''
-Henri Bergson

'''Cegorach''' is the [[Eldar]] Laughing God, a master of [[Just as planned]], and a massive dick. His dickery is only rivaled by [[C'tan|The Deceiver]] and [[Tzeentch]]. He's the patron god of the [[Harlequin|MURDERCLOWNS]] and probably [[Eldrad]], who looked up to Cegorach's dickishness and general jackassery as a shining example for all Eldar [[Farseer|Farseers]]. He plays games of [[Just as planned]] with [[Tzeentch]], the [[C'tan|Deceiver]] and [[the Emperor]] every Saturday night; it always ends in a tie. He's also one of the only three surviving Eldar gods, the other being [[Isha]] (who's with [[Nurgle]]) and [[Khaine]], but he's currently in a bajillion pieces, so in spirit, he's not "alive" anymore.

Cegorach has yet to appear in any of the video games or anything like that, but if he did (and he totally should), he'd be voiced by Mark Hamill. He probably wears several harlequin masks, with troll faces, awesome faces, the tragedy mask, and the comedy mask permanently etched on them, and he also probably wears a harlequin (as in the ye olde clowns, not the Eldar) hat and outfit. He is also funny as hell. No one can stay mad at him because he's so damned hilarious, and he actually cares for his followers enough to personally fight for their souls. What a guy.

== History ==
[[image:Cegorach_the_Laughing_God.jpg|350px|thumb|If you can't tell, he's the one being a dick.]]

During the war against the [[Necrons]], Cegorach convinced the Outsider to eat other [[C'tan]], which caused the Outsider to become insane because all the C'tan he ate became split personalities within his body. But there is a huge argument as to whether he convinced the Outsider to eat the [[C'tan]] first, or if he was just copying the Deceiver when he told the Nightbringer to eat other [[C'tan]]. It's also possible they're the same story, as both [[C'tan|The Deciever]] and Cegorach get their rocks off by impersonating people.

After the [[C'tan]] and the [[Necrons]] went to sleep, the Eldar pretty much ruled the entire galaxy and because they were so advanced that they didn't have to do any work they started to do whatever the hell they wanted; kind of like The Culture but more [[Grimdark]]. At first it was just video games, amusement parks, walks in the park with SPESS ELF Dogs, sports, movies, fighting the occasional aliens who wanted to challenge them (which ended in the extinction of most of these xenos save for the [[Orks]] and later humanity), somewhat increased amounts of recreational sex, and television. However, because of the strength with which Eldar experience emotions, and the fact that time goes by slower for them, they got bored of wholesome fun very quickly.

They started to do drugs, then they started having orgies, then they started with the BDSM, and it only got worse and worse and even some of the [[Eldar]] Gods started to get in on the "fun". Cegorach was far too busy hosting the Eldar version of Monty Python and being a dick to join in on the hedonism and used it as joke fodder. When [[Slaanesh]] was born and went on its murderrape spree (powered by Chaos performance enhancing drugs) and killed nearly all of the Eldar Gods, created the Eye of Terror which swallowed the Crone Worlds of the Eldar empire and sent a psychic scream that killed most of the Eldar race; Cegorach hid behind the stronger gods and gave Slaanesh the occasional sucker punch and the not-so-occasional devastating one-liner.

Still, it wasn't enough to stop the newborn drug-snorting transvestite to wreak havoc upon the Eldar Pantheon. After killing Asuryan; the strongest of the Eldar gods, Slaanesh's performance enhancing drugs started to wear off, but there where only three gods left to oppose him. [[Isha]] (who was as usual weeping uselessly), [[Khaela Mensha Khaine]] and Cegorach. Khaine finally got his shit in motion and started to fight Slaanesh properly and gave a good account of himself (occasionally helped by Cegorach from the sidelines) but in the end, it looked like the God of War would lose to Slaanesh... until [[Khorne]] suddenly came out of nowhere to bitch-slap the prissy little faggot because he rightfully claimed that Slaanesh had no right to lay a hand on his property. (Yup, Khorne considers Khaine his <s>prison bitch</s> personal property. Go figure.) At that point, Cegorach took the opportunity granted by the distraction to sneak into the Webway while no one was looking, since he knew he couldn't hope to face Slaanesh on his own and the rest is history. (Why he didn't bring Isha along, only he knows. Still, since she got rescued by [[Nurgle]] instead of being tentacle-raped forever and now helps mitigating Granddaddy's plagues by revealing their cure to the surviving Eldar, it might be in fact a case of [[just as planned]].)

Today, Cegorach's primary concern is dealing with [[Slaanesh|She Who Thirsts]]. Being a trickster god though, his followers do things from time to time just for the lulz, such as the time some harlequins defaced a Land Raider seemingly just for the hell of it. As expected, Cegorach is also opposed to the Necrons. He was there for the original Necron-Eldar war, and the Harlequin Masque of the Dreaming Shadow primarily focuses on fighting Necrons, but many other Harlequins view that as a cheap side show compared to Slaanesh. (Well not really, necron weaponry can still melt your face) Cegorach was likely heavily involved in the birth of [[Ynnead]], given how they're both focused on defeating Slaanesh, and how his Harlequins currently serve under the Ynncarne. Where Ynnead fits into his plans are uncertain, given how rarely they are straightforward, but one can be certain that things are going [[just as planned]].

== The Harlequins ==
Cegorach is the patron of the [[Harlequin]]s and keeper of the Black Library which [[Ahzek Ahriman]] really wants to get into. Sometimes an [[Eldar]] with no soul is made during the Ritual (which is, obviously, an entering trial - surviving being possessed with a Greater Daemon of [[Slaanesh]] and having the ability to expel it automatically confirms that you are an incredible badass), which the Harlequins refer to as a Solitaire. These Eldar have great power but are doomed to be eaten by Slaanesh once they die. While they live, they can assrape any army you throw at them. Seriously. But [[Slaanesh]] never gets to nom one because each time he/she/it/hermaphrodite tries, Cegorach punches him/her/it/hermaphrodite in the <s>face</s> <s>balls</s> ALL of his/her/its balls repeatedly and gives him/her/it/hermaphrodite a devastating insult that causes [[Slaanesh]] to run back to his/her/its/hermaphrodite's palace in tears. <s>Happy end.</s> <s>Not quite,[[Slaanesh]] sometimes wins and sadly ends up raping the Solitaire for all eternity.</s> Only to find out it's actually a blow-up doll filled with explosive confetti, Khorne berzerkers and cold showers. [[Just as Planned]].

==Lady Malys and the Entity==
In the 5th edition Dark Eldar codex, the character "Lady Malys", former lover of Vect, once wandered around the Webway and found a dude made of golden light. He killed all her escorts and [[The_Hobbit|challenged her to a riddle-off, where the winner gets the loser's heart]]. She managed to succeed and the gold dude chuckled and gave her his crystal heart. She then decided to TEAR OUT HER OWN HEART AND JAM A PIECE OF CRYSTAL IN THE HOLE. Somehow this worked, and she got like special powers and whatnot from it. Sometimes, in private, her stern demeanor cracks and she falls into maniacal laughter. The golden entity is unknown but who are we kidding it's obviously Cegorach. <s>Or the Deceiver</s> It's definitely ''not'' the Deceiver, because the [[C'Tan]] are too buttmad to use the webway. [[Matt Ward|Unless you believe this guy]]. Again, the two seem to like to switch places constantly. Confirmed in the new 7E Harlies codex that it's Cegorach.

== Fun(ny) facts ==
* Cegorach is the funniest entity in the universe, bar none, and he's tied with [[Tzeentch]], the [[Emperor]], the [[C'tan|Deceiver]], [[Eldrad]] and [[Creed|CREEEEEEEEEEEEED!]] in just as planned and wanton dickishness.
* Cegorach is the Lolz Master and don't you forget it!
* Due to the nature of the Warp Ceogorach managed to stumble into the realms of Oblivion and found his long lost and equally lulzy brother, the daedric prince of madness and trollery: Sheogorath. Much laughter and cheese was had when the pair reunited.
* Every can in Cegorach's home has fake snakes in it. Every, single, one. Except the one that says it has fake snakes in it. It has real snakes in it. True Story.
* The Monty Python group is actually the church of Cegorach, spreading his lulzy faith to humanity.
* Cegorach ate pennywise the clown from IT for disgracing the good name of Harlequins.
* Cegorach is the proud owner of the Warp Circus, which travels across reality bringing lulz.
**Yes, the Circus can fly.
* Cegorach is responsible for Indrick Boreale's accent and Firaevious Carron's hatred of MEHTAHL BAWKSES! Thank you, you clown-faced son-of-a-bitch; we owe you all the Youtube poop and FAIL.
*Cegorach is sometimes known as "The Honkmother".
* One day, Cegorach slipped a gigantic whoopee cushion onto Khorne's skull throne, when Khorne sat down, the cushion could be heard throughout the warp, the webway, and the materium, and everyone laughed their fucking asses off. At first Khorne got pissed, but as he thought of ways to get revenge, he found the incident increasingly funny and gave Cegorach a handshake, but Cegorach was using a fake arm with a joybuzzer.
* Cegorach managed to outwit Tzeentch once. Though they were matched in dickishness and [[Just as planned|just as planned]] Cegorach had the sharper wit. So in a contest to see who could make up and then pull off the most contrived plan, they technically tied; but Cegorach's plan involved a ludicrously complicated series of Rube Goldberg-ian interlocked events that ended with a bolter shell fired by Kharn hitting a bucket filled with pepper that released its spicy cargo all over Khorne, causing him to sneeze which created just a strong enough wind to blow a second bucket which was filled with Nurgle's slime, this bucket fell on Tzeentch's head. Since both plans were tied in dickishness and ludicrous complexity, the Judges used humor to decide whose was superior, and they obviously chose Cegorach.
* Cegorach once pranked Slaanesh when he sent him/her/it/hermaphrodite what seemed to be playboy magazines, but when Slaanesh read them; they turned out to be filled with Khornate imagery, which jumped out of the book and beat the crap out of Slaanesh. In addition, the second page of the book contained the Nightbringer, who leapt out of the pages and cut Slaanesh's dick off and essentially carved a whole vagina into him, turning the one she-male Slaanesh completely into a she...well three quarters of the way since Slaanesh still only has one bewb. ''And she liked all of it''.
* Cegorach pulled a practical joke on Nurgle once, convincing him to place a special powder and liquid into his cauldron of diseases. Nurgle obliged and mixed the two together, but the powder turned out to be ground up uber-penicillin which cured everyone in the galaxy and the warp of all disease, and the liquid turned out to be uber-detergent which cleaned everything in the galaxy and the warp until it was sparkly clean. Nurgle however simply smiled and shrugged and happily said that this meant he could dirty the place up all over again and shared a good laugh with Cegorach. Which is pretty much why Papa Nurgle is a cool dude.
* Cegorach is behind every successful meme, Tzeentch is behind every forced meme. Tzeentch's memes fail to become popular since Tzeentch only has dickishness and intelligence, and thus lacks the humor needed to make a good meme.
* Cegorach once managed to have a harlequin slip into the Emperor's palace and sneak a clown nose, a harlequin mask, and a jester's hat onto the Emperor's face and paint him in silly colors on the golden throne and had the image broadcast across the galaxy and the warp. The Emperor quickly became the laughing stock of the universe and more than a hundred Imperial worlds were simultaneously declared for Exterminatus to {{BLAM}} the entire populace for heresy.
* Also known to [[The_Elder_Scrolls|some]] as 'Sheogorath'.
* It's said that a very long ago, during the age of the earth, Cegorach would have sent a joke especially for humans and [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwbnvkMRPKM this was the result.]
* Cegorach is the creator of both [https://www.youtube.com/user/DasBoSchitt DasBoSchitt] and [https://www.youtube.com/show/gamerpoop Gamer Poop], which are the results of brainstorm sessions with his first (and fallen) disciple, [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joker_%28comics%29 the Joker].
* Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin was once a follower of Cegorach, until he turned to Tzeentch worship and became the butt of the biggest Just As Planned joke of the twentieth century.
* [[Cultist-chan]] is, in fact, Cegorach's creation - and his ultimate plan for dicking [[Slaanesh]] over. Only recently revealed in his super-secret tome hidden in the [[Black Library]], the plan is so complicated and convoluted that none of his Harlequins can figure out the specifics. Only [[Dranon]] knows what exactly is going on, but none of the Chaos Gods listen to him. [[Just_as_planned|Just As Planned]]. It's all for the lulz.

== Warhammer Fantasy ==
Cegorach has no [[Warhammer Fantasy]] equivalent directly, making him the only Eldar god without one. His portfolio is instead held by [[Loec]] who is functionally the same. The Harlequins of Fantasy are more or less the entire [[Wood Elves (Warhammer)|Wood Elf]] race (Legolas meets Hills Have Eyes is perhaps the best description of them).

==Cegorach House Rules==
Prepare your butt for the king of trolls and just as planned. (Do not bring these rules to a GeeDub game, or you will be *BLAMMED*)

*'''CEGORACH''', the Laughing God, Patron of the Harlequins, the Joker, The One Who Has Looked Closely At Life And Seen The Joke:
Gargantuan Creature (Character)
{| border="1" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="5" align="left"
! Points || WS || BS || S || T || W || I || A || Ld || Sv
|-
| 650 || 9 || 4 || 8 || 8 || 6 || 10 || 3 || 10 || 3++
|} 
Wargear:
{| border="1" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="5" align="left"
! || Range || S || AP || Type || Special Rules
|-
| '''Cegoragh's Rose''' || 36" || 5 || 3 || Assault 3 || Haywire, Ignores Cover, Twin-linked
|-
| || - || 10 || 1 || Melee || Armourbane, Fleshbane, Shred
|} 

Special Rules:
*Counter Attack
*Eternal Warrior
*Hatred (Chaos)
*Hit And Run
*It Will Not Die
*Psyker (Mastery Level 5) (Cegorach knows all Phantasmancy powers and harnesses <s>Warp</s> Webway Charges on a roll of 2+)
*Stunt Double:
**Once per turn, When Cegorach would suffer a wound, roll a D6 and on a 5+, he switches place with the attacking unit. They roll their normal save roll if able.
*The Final Act:
**When Cegorach has lost half of his wounds, he summons D6 shards of Cegorach, And goes into reserve. He automatically deepstrikes in on the following turn.

*Shard of Cegorach:
{| border="1" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="5" align="left"
! Points || WS || BS || S || T || W || I || A || Ld || Sv
|-
| 650 || 6 || 2 || 5 || 5 || 2 || 8 || 2 || 10 || 3++
|} 

Wargear:
*Rose of Cegorach

==Cegorachs Theme==

*https://youtu.be/IzWsLaolyLw - Now the creepy Bastard got his own Track.

{{Template:Eldar-Gods}}

Cegorach

2017-06-25T20:46:29Z

2600:100F:B12C:AC4C:EC87:6F84:2480:A9CD: /* History */

[[File:500px-The_Laughing_God.png|400px|right|thumb|Just look at that grin. How can you possibly hate this guy?]]
<div style="font-size:1.10em;font-weight:italic;font-style:italic;font-family:serif;margin-top:1em;margin-bottom:1em"> HELLO, CHILD. DO YOU WANT TO PLAY A GAME? - The quote that Cegorach always says'''</div>

''"The only cure for vanity is laughter, and the only fault that is laughable is vanity."''
-Henri Bergson

'''Cegorach''' is the [[Eldar]] Laughing God, a master of [[Just as planned]], and a massive dick. His dickery is only rivaled by [[C'tan|The Deceiver]] and [[Tzeentch]]. He's the patron god of the [[Harlequin|MURDERCLOWNS]] and probably [[Eldrad]], who looked up to Cegorach's dickishness and general jackassery as a shining example for all Eldar [[Farseer|Farseers]]. He plays games of [[Just as planned]] with [[Tzeentch]], the [[C'tan|Deceiver]] and [[the Emperor]] every Saturday night; it always ends in a tie. He's also one of the only three surviving Eldar gods, the other being [[Isha]] (who's with [[Nurgle]]) and [[Khaine]], but he's currently in a bajillion pieces, so in spirit, he's not "alive" anymore.

Cegorach has yet to appear in any of the video games or anything like that, but if he did (and he totally should), he'd be voiced by Mark Hamill. He probably wears several harlequin masks, with troll faces, awesome faces, the tragedy mask, and the comedy mask permanently etched on them, and he also probably wears a harlequin (as in the ye olde clowns, not the Eldar) hat and outfit. He is also funny as hell. No one can stay mad at him because he's so damned hilarious, and he actually cares for his followers enough to personally fight for their souls. What a guy.

== History ==
[[image:Cegorach_the_Laughing_God.jpg|350px|thumb|If you can't tell, he's the one being a dick.]]

During the war against the [[Necrons]], Cegorach convinced the Outsider to eat other [[C'tan]], which caused the Outsider to become insane because all the C'tan he ate became split personalities within his body. But there is a huge argument as to whether he convinced the Outsider to eat the [[C'tan]] first, or if he was just copying the Deceiver when he told the Nightbringer to eat other [[C'tan]]. It's also possible they're the same story, as both [[C'tan|The Deciever]] and Cegorach get their rocks off by impersonating people.

After the [[C'tan]] and the [[Necrons]] went to sleep, the Eldar pretty much ruled the entire galaxy and because they were so advanced that they didn't have to do any work they started to do whatever the hell they wanted; kind of like The Culture but more [[Grimdark]]. At first it was just video games, amusement parks, walks in the park with SPESS ELF Dogs, sports, movies, fighting the occasional aliens who wanted to challenge them (which ended in the extinction of most of these xenos save for the [[Orks]] and later humanity), somewhat increased amounts of recreational sex, and television. However, because of the strength with which Eldar experience emotions, and the fact that time goes by slower for them, they got bored of wholesome fun very quickly.

They started to do drugs, then they started having orgies, then they started with the BDSM, and it only got worse and worse and even some of the [[Eldar]] Gods started to get in on the "fun". Cegorach was far too busy hosting the Eldar version of Monty Python and being a dick to join in on the hedonism and used it as joke fodder. When [[Slaanesh]] was born and went on its murderrape spree (powered by Chaos performance enhancing drugs) and killed nearly all of the Eldar Gods, created the Eye of Terror which swallowed the Crone Worlds of the Eldar empire and sent a psychic scream that killed most of the Eldar race; Cegorach hid behind the stronger gods and gave Slaanesh the occasional sucker punch and the not-so-occasional devastating one-liner.

Still, it wasn't enough to stop the newborn drug-snorting transvestite to wreak havoc upon the Eldar Pantheon. After killing Asuryan; the strongest of the Eldar gods, Slaanesh's performance enhancing drugs started to wear off, but there where only three gods left to oppose him. [[Isha]] (who was as usual weeping uselessly), [[Khaela Mensha Khaine]] and Cegorach. Khaine finally got his shit in motion and started to fight Slaanesh properly and gave a good account of himself (occasionally helped by Cegorach from the sidelines) but in the end, it looked like the God of War would lose to Slaanesh... until [[Khorne]] suddenly came out of nowhere to bitch-slap the prissy little faggot because he rightfully claimed that Slaanesh had no right to lay a hand on his property. (Yup, Khorne considers Khaine his <s>prison bitch</s> personal property. Go figure.) At that point, Cegorach took the opportunity granted by the distraction to sneak into the Webway while no one was looking, since he knew he couldn't hope to face Slaanesh on his own and the rest is history. (Why he didn't bring Isha along, only he knows. Still, since she got rescued by [[Nurgle]] instead of being tentacle-raped forever and now helps mitigating Granddaddy's plagues by revealing their cure to the surviving Eldar, it might be in fact a case of [[just as planned]].)

Today, Cegorach's primary concern is dealing with [[Slaanesh|She Who Thirsts]]. Being a trickster god though, his followers do things from time to time just for the lulz, such as the time some harlequins defaced a Land Raider seemingly just for the hell of it. As expected, Cegorach is also opposed to the Necrons. He was there for the original Necron-Eldar war, and the Harlequin Masque of the Dreaming Shadow primarily focuses on fighting Necrons, but many other Harlequins view that as a cheap side show compared to Slaanesh. (Well not really, necron weaponry can still melt your face) Cegorach was likely heavily involved in the birth of [[Ynnead]], given how they're both focused on defeating Slaanesh, and how his Harlequins currently serve under the Ynncarne. Where Ynnead fits into his plans are uncertain, given how rarely they are straightforward, but one can be certain that things are going [[just as planned]].

== The Harlequins ==
Cegorach is the patron of the [[Harlequin]]s and keeper of the Black Library which [[Ahzek Ahriman]] really wants to get into. Sometimes an [[Eldar]] with no soul is made during the Ritual (which is, obviously, an entering trial - surviving being possessed with a Greater Daemon of [[Slaanesh]] and having the ability to expel it automatically confirms that you are an incredible badass), which the Harlequins refer to as a Solitaire. These Eldar have great power but are doomed to be eaten by Slaanesh once they die. While they live, they can assrape any army you throw at them. Seriously. But [[Slaanesh]] never gets to nom one because each time he/she/it/hermaphrodite tries, Cegorach punches him/her/it/hermaphrodite in the <s>face</s> <s>balls</s> ALL of his/her/its balls repeatedly and gives him/her/it/hermaphrodite a devastating insult that causes [[Slaanesh]] to run back to his/her/its/hermaphrodite's palace in tears. <s>Happy end.</s> <s>Not quite,[[Slaanesh]] sometimes wins and sadly ends up raping the Solitaire for all eternity.</s> Only to find out it's actually a blow-up doll filled with explosive confetti, Khorne berzerkers and cold showers. [[Just as Planned]].

==Lady Malys and the Entity==
In the 5th edition Dark Eldar codex, the character "Lady Malys", former lover of Vect, once wandered around the Webway and found a dude made of golden light. He killed all her escorts and [[The_Hobbit|challenged her to a riddle-off, where the winner gets the loser's heart]]. She managed to succeed and the gold dude chuckled and gave her his crystal heart. She then decided to TEAR OUT HER OWN HEART AND JAM A PIECE OF CRYSTAL IN THE HOLE. Somehow this worked, and she got like special powers and whatnot from it. Sometimes, in private, her stern demeanor cracks and she falls into maniacal laughter. The golden entity is unknown but who are we kidding it's obviously Cegorach. <s>Or the Deceiver</s> It's definitely ''not'' the Deceiver, because the [[C'Tan]] are too buttmad to use the webway. [[Matt Ward|Unless you believe this guy]]. Again, the two seem to like to switch places constantly. Confirmed in the new 7E Harlies codex that it's Cegorach.

== Fun(ny) facts ==
* Cegorach is the funniest entity in the universe, bar none, and he's tied with [[Tzeentch]], the [[Emperor]], the [[C'tan|Deceiver]], [https://1d4chan.org/wiki/Eldrad]and [[Creed|CREEEEEEEEEEEEED!]] in just as planned and wanton dickishness.
* Cegorach is the Lolz Master and don't you know it.
* Due to the nature of the Warp Ceogorach managed to stumble into the realms of Oblivion and found his long lost and equally lulzy brother, the daedric prince of madness and trollery: Sheogorath. Much laughter and cheese was had when the pair reunited.
* Every can in Cegorach's home has fake snakes in it. Every, single, one. Except the one that says it has fake snakes in it. It has real snakes in it. True Story.
* The Monty Python group is actually the church of Cegorach, spreading his lulzy faith to humanity.
* Cegorach ate pennywise the clown from IT for disgracing the good name of Harlequins.
* Cegorach is the proud owner of the Warp Circus, which travels across reality bringing lulz.
**Yes, the Circus can fly.
* Cegorach is responsible for Indrick Boreale's accent and Firaevious Carron's hatred of MEHTAHL BAWKSES! Thank you, you clown-faced son-of-a-bitch; we owe you all the Youtube poop and FAIL.
*Cegorach is sometimes known as "The Honkmother".
* One day, Cegorach slipped a gigantic whoopee cushion onto Khorne's skull throne, when Khorne sat down, the cushion could be heard throughout the warp, the webway, and the materium, and everyone laughed their fucking asses off. At first Khorne got pissed, but as he thought of ways to get revenge, he found the incident increasingly funny and gave Cegorach a handshake, but Cegorach was using a fake arm with a joybuzzer.
* Cegorach managed to outwit Tzeentch once. Though they were matched in dickishness and [[Just as planned|just as planned]] Cegorach had the sharper wit. So in a contest to see who could make up and then pull off the most contrived plan, they technically tied; but Cegorach's plan involved a ludicrously complicated series of Rube Goldberg-ian interlocked events that ended with a bolter shell fired by Kharn hitting a bucket filled with pepper that released its spicy cargo all over Khorne, causing him to sneeze which created just a strong enough wind to blow a second bucket which was filled with Nurgle's slime, this bucket fell on Tzeentch's head. Since both plans were tied in dickishness and ludicrous complexity, the Judges used humor to decide whose was superior, and they obviously chose Cegorach.
* Cegorach once pranked Slaanesh when he sent him/her/it/hermaphrodite what seemed to be playboy magazines, but when Slaanesh read them; they turned out to be filled with Khornate imagery, which jumped out of the book and beat the crap out of Slaanesh. In addition, the second page of the book contained the Nightbringer, who leapt out of the pages and cut Slaanesh's dick off and essentially carved a whole vagina into him, turning the one she-male Slaanesh completely into a she...well three quarters of the way since Slaanesh still only has one bewb. ''And she liked all of it''.
* Cegorach pulled a practical joke on Nurgle once, convincing him to place a special powder and liquid into his cauldron of diseases. Nurgle obliged and mixed the two together, but the powder turned out to be ground up uber-penicillin which cured everyone in the galaxy and the warp of all disease, and the liquid turned out to be uber-detergent which cleaned everything in the galaxy and the warp until it was sparkly clean. Nurgle however simply smiled and shrugged and happily said that this meant he could dirty the place up all over again and shared a good laugh with Cegorach. Which is pretty much why Papa Nurgle is a cool dude.
* Cegorach is behind every successful meme, Tzeentch is behind every forced meme. Tzeentch's memes fail to become popular since Tzeentch only has dickishness and intelligence, and thus lacks the humor needed to make a good meme.
* Cegorach once managed to have a harlequin slip into the Emperor's palace and sneak a clown nose, a harlequin mask, and a jester's hat onto the Emperor's face and paint him in silly colors on the golden throne and had the image broadcast across the galaxy and the warp. The Emperor quickly became the laughing stock of the universe and more than a hundred Imperial worlds were simultaneously declared for Exterminatus to {{BLAM}} the entire populace for heresy.
* Also known to [[The_Elder_Scrolls|some]] as 'Sheogorath'.
* It's said that a very long ago, during the age of the earth, Cegorach would have sent a joke especially for humans and [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwbnvkMRPKM this was the result.]
* Cegorach is the creator of both [https://www.youtube.com/user/DasBoSchitt DasBoSchitt] and [https://www.youtube.com/show/gamerpoop Gamer Poop], which are the results of brainstorm sessions with his first (and fallen) disciple, [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joker_%28comics%29 the Joker].
* Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin was once a follower of Cegorach, until he turned to Tzeentch worship and became the butt of the biggest Just As Planned joke of the twentieth century.
* [[Cultist-chan]] is, in fact, Cegorach's creation - and his ultimate plan for dicking [[Slaanesh]] over. Only recently revealed in his super-secret tome hidden in the [[Black Library]], the plan is so complicated and convoluted that none of his Harlequins can figure out the specifics. Only [[Dranon]] knows what exactly is going on, but none of the Chaos Gods listen to him. [[Just_as_planned|Just As Planned]]. It's all for the lulz.

== Warhammer Fantasy ==
Cegorach has no [[Warhammer Fantasy]] equivalent directly, making him the only Eldar god without one. His portfolio is instead held by [[Loec]] who is functionally the same. The Harlequins of Fantasy are more or less the entire [[Wood Elves (Warhammer)|Wood Elf]] race (Legolas meets Hills Have Eyes is perhaps the best description of them).

==Cegorach House Rules==
Prepare your butt for the king of trolls and just as planned. (Do not bring these rules to a GeeDub game, or you will be *BLAMMED*)

*'''CEGORACH''', the Laughing God, Patron of the Harlequins, the Joker, The One Who Has Looked Closely At Life And Seen The Joke:
Gargantuan Creature (Character)
{| border="1" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="5" align="left"
! Points || WS || BS || S || T || W || I || A || Ld || Sv
|-
| 650 || 9 || 4 || 8 || 8 || 6 || 10 || 3 || 10 || 3++
|} 
Wargear:
{| border="1" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="5" align="left"
! || Range || S || AP || Type || Special Rules
|-
| '''Cegoragh's Rose''' || 36" || 5 || 3 || Assault 3 || Haywire, Ignores Cover, Twin-linked
|-
| || - || 10 || 1 || Melee || Armourbane, Fleshbane, Shred
|} 

Special Rules:
*Counter Attack
*Eternal Warrior
*Hatred (Chaos)
*Hit And Run
*It Will Not Die
*Psyker (Mastery Level 5) (Cegorach knows all Phantasmancy powers and harnesses <s>Warp</s> Webway Charges on a roll of 2+)
*Stunt Double:
**Once per turn, When Cegorach would suffer a wound, roll a D6 and on a 5+, he switches place with the attacking unit. They roll their normal save roll if able.
*The Final Act:
**When Cegorach has lost half of his wounds, he summons D6 shards of Cegorach, And goes into reserve. He automatically deepstrikes in on the following turn.

*Shard of Cegorach:
{| border="1" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="5" align="left"
! Points || WS || BS || S || T || W || I || A || Ld || Sv
|-
| 650 || 6 || 2 || 5 || 5 || 2 || 8 || 2 || 10 || 3++
|} 

Wargear:
*Rose of Cegorach

==Cegorachs Theme==

*https://youtu.be/IzWsLaolyLw - Now the creepy Bastard got his own Track.

{{Template:Eldar-Gods}}

Lorgar

2017-06-25T19:27:18Z

2600:100F:B12C:AC4C:EC87:6F84:2480:A9CD: /* Pre-Heresy */

[[Image:Lorgar Handsome.jpg|400px|thumb|right|Bet you didn't know Mr. Clean was a primarch.]]
{{heresy}}

''"From fanaticism to barbarism is only one step."'' 
- Denis Diderot

''"Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord;"'' 
''"He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored."'' 
''"He has loosed the fateful lightning of his terrible swift sword."'' 
''"His truth is marching on."'' 
- Battle Hymn of the Republic

''"He is so... changeable. He is so prone to extremes. Eager to please, so quick to take offense. He's so keen to be your best friend, and then, at the slightest hint of an insult, he's angry with you. Furious. Offended. Like a child."'' 
- Guilliman on Lorgar.

''"These demons seem pretty legit and entirely trustworthy."'' 
- Lorgar at some point.

'''Lorgar''', also known as '''Lorgar Aurelian''' and '''The Urizen''', is the [[Primarch]] of the [[Word Bearers]] legion, the extra religious legion of [[Chaos Space Marines|Kheyos Sphess Mahreens]]. He is credited within [[40k]] [[fluff]] for being ''the'' first Primarch to fall to the [[Chaos Gods|Ruinous Powers]]. Yes, we know what you're thinking and no, [[Horus]] was just the most powerful Primarch to lead the actual Rebellion and the first to be public about it. Lorgar was the first to be corrupted, though this wasn't noticed as he was very secretive about it. Also, looks just like Professor X.

Tl;dr: [[Horus Heresy|EVERYTHING]] is this guy's fault. Seriously, [[Archaon]] has nothing on this guy...

==Pre-Heresy==
[[Image:Lorgar Aurelian.jpg|200px|thumb|left|[[Doctor Who|Lorgar has a model now. Models are cool.]]]]
Like the rest of the Primarchs, Lorgar was scattered through the Warp by the [[Chaos Gods]]. The infant landed on Colchis, a world of excellence, beauty and most of all, faith. Lorgar was taken in by the priests of the Covenant, the religious order of Colchis, primarily adopted by the priest [[Kor Phaeron]]. As he grew, he was educated in philosophy and rhetoric and he was gifted with a charisma that greatly aided his role as a preacher, making him immensely popular with the Colchisian faithful. At first, he remained a staunch defender of the Faith, but his life changed due to his frequent visions of a new [[God-Emperor of Mankind|Messiah]] arriving into Colchis, clad in [[Pauldrons|gleaming armour]], who rode on [[Imperial Navy|clouds of iron]] as he led his [[Space Marines|army of angels]] across the stars. The Covenant considered this as [[Heresy]], and declared war on Lorgar and all his followers. Six long years engulfed Colchis into Civil War, yet, due to his insane charisma convincing thousands upon thousands of faithful to worship the new Messiah, Lorgar won through [[Imperial Guard|sheer numbers]]. By the time they were done, the [[God-Emperor of Mankind|Emperor of Mankind]] and [[Magnus the Red]] arrived on Colchis and everybody was absolutely ''ecstatic.'' Almost overnight Colchis became an extravagant world all in devotion to the Emperor. After about a month of celebrations, the now slightly annoyed Emperor appointed Lorgar head of the Imperial Heralds, which Lorgar renamed the Word Bearers.

During the [[Great Crusade]], Lorgar loved the Emperor. Like ''really'' loved him; in fact, he was the first Primarch to venerate him like a god. He loved the Emprah so much that he wrote the Lectitio Divinitatus which was all about the divinity of the Emperor, and built huge Gothic cathedrals on every single world the Word Bearers conquered. Unbeknownst to Lorgar, [[The Last Church|the Emperor was an atheist]], and was ''really'' disappoint towards his son. Lorgar's religiosity threatened to undermine his top-secret project to starve Chaos of any kind of worship. He made Lorgar stop his god worship in a very good-daddy kind of way: by having the [[Ultramarines|Smurfs]] destroy Lorgar's greatest masterpiece city, Monarchia. He then used his [[Psyker]] powers to force Lorgar and the entire XVII Legion to kneel before the Emperor, [[Roboute Guilliman]], and [[Malcador|Malcador the Sigilite]]. Destroying an entire city is one thing, but being forced to kneel down before Great Grandpa Smurf was of such humiliation that it would inflict clinically incurable depression into anyone.

Severely humiliated and wracked with self-doubt, Lorgar secluded himself in Emo sulking, and began listening to Kor Phaeron (now First Captain of the Word Bearers) and First [[Chaplain]] [[Erebus]] about the facts of the Old Faith of Colchis: many other worlds shared similar concepts of such Gods. Having unrelated worlds share a single common faith, is this evidence that [[Chaos|such Gods beyond the realm of material existence]] truly existed and were worthy of worship? This in turn led to Lorgar, willing to expand his enlightenment and guided by the sorcerer Ingethel the Ascended of the planet [[Cadia]], plunging headfirst into the [[Eye of Terror]]. The rest is <s>history</s> heresy.

Before the heresy Lorgar was widely considered the weakest Primarch as both a fighter and warlord, preferring to act more as a [[Reasonable Marines|diplomat]] and [[Ecclesiarchy|preacher]]. His actions during the Heresy proved everyone wrong (or maybe his power grew massively once he tapped into his psychic powers- he nearly got shredded by Corvus during the Drop Site Massacre). When Lorgar first toured the Eye of Terror, he was forced to fight An'ggrath the Unbound (who is to [[Bloodthirster]]s what Bloodthirsters are to Gretchin) in order to prove himself worthy of becoming the champion of Chaos Undivided. He also got a visit from Kairos Fateweaver, informing him of his possible futures in a one-time deal where that [[Lord of Change]] would only speak the truth, primarily involving his future campaign on Calth, and a very important choice to make.

<s>His plan of attack</s> (shooting his allies in the back) on Calth resulted in beating the shit out of Ultramarine forces two times his army's size, proving Lorgar was also a damn good warlord. Even the fact that his Calth attack force was finally screwed was part of his plan: the entire point of the Calth war was to purge the Legion of ignorant hotheads who put revenge and hatred over Chaos worshiping, in addition, Fateweaver explicitly told him that [[Roboute Guilliman]] had to survive the campaign on Calth, which would cause him to become paranoid & doubtful and therefore start summoning his forces to [[Macragge]] to create '''[[Imperium Secundus]]''' which would starve [[Terra]] of resources and possibly swing the war in the direction of Horus. Killing Guilliman would mean that the separatists would never get that chance, so Lorgar had to make a choice between slaying his most hated brother, or sparing him for a shot at something greater.

By the way, in the Horus Heresy novels it's seen he actually cared a lot for all of his brothers, for example he was good pals with Magnus, which is more than you can say about some loyalist primarchs. He was also pretty much the only one who cared about Angron in some way and actually ran the ritual which transformed Angron into a Daemon Prince, thus freeing him of the Butchers's Nails and premature death. He even seems to be good friends with Leman Russ, referenced in Betrayer given that Russ read something Lorgar wrote and thought that was some spiritual shit worth remembering, which is pretty significant considering how down-to-earth this guy was. More significantly, when Lorgar asked Russ and Magnus to stop fighting, they '''actually listened.''' The two Primarchs who just might have had the most mutual hatred stopped fighting because Lorgar asked them to. Angron or Mortarion might have been able to make war more effectively, but only Horus was Lorgar's equal in diplomacy. Even when grudging with his brothers he was quite diplomatic, and he sincerely believed he could eventually convince everyone else about his point of view on the Emperor's divinity. Also, he worked to make Colchis a decent place to live, and it seems like whenever he conquered a planet he took his time to convince the population of the benefits of Imperial rule to the point rebellion became an impossibility. So yeah, it would have been far more sensible for Emprah to put this guy in charge of the Imperial propaganda machine or diplomatic body and overlook his religious views.

He was also terrifyingly powerful Psyker, but refused to use his gift for the same reasons. He ceased this emo shit after falling to Chaos, turning into a bad ass sorcerer able to rival Magnus, or at least Magnus's psychic projection, which is still far beyond any 40k-level monster-Psyker capabilities. In fact he was the third or forth most powerful (once-Imperial) Psyker in the galaxy: second to only Big E, Magnus and maybe Malcador. (A couple of daemons and [[Eldrad|a certain dick]] might give him a run for his money as well if you consider non-humans.)

He also bore the greatest physical similarity to the Emperor: under his golden tattoos he looked exactly like a younger version of Big E's true form (yeah, yeah, da Emprah told Corax that he had no true form, but then he also said that daemons were minor xenos pests, so figure that out yourself). He has also dabbled in [[Meme|Trolling]] shown in one scene in Know No Fear, where he's pretty much blatantly trolling Guilliman.

Lorgar: Have you lost your temper, Roboute?

Guilliman: I am going to gut you.

Lorgar: You have lost your temper.

Take that BITCH.

==Post Heresy==
[[Image:Lorgar portrait.jpg|thumb|left|'''GREETINGS MEWLING CORPSE SLAVE, DO YOU HAVE A FEW MINUTES TO HEAR ABOUT THE GOOD WORD OF CHAOS UNDIVIDED?''']]
[[Image:Lorgar.jpg|200px|thumb|right|Note that his [[Galactic Partridges|purity seals have purity seals]] and his scalp is inscribed with holy scripture. Because if you are going to do it, you have to do it right.]]
So now he's the Daemon-Primarch of the [[Word Bearers]], the guys who make the rest of the Chaos Space Marines look like all around swell secular humanist types. They're kind of like Jehovah's Witnesses except instead of knocking on your door and telling to you about Jesus they knock down your door and ask you which end of a daemon summoning you want to be on. This tends to make Chaos's otherwise awful selling pitch seem oddly compelling. He also has a particular hatred for atheists, so he loathes his atheist daddy Emprah and the [[Tau|weeaboo space communists]] more than he hates everything else.

In a supreme twist on irony, the [[Ecclesiarchy]] of the Imperium (which is the primary target for the Word Bearers during conquest) derives most if not all of their religious texts from Lorgar. That Bible they administer to citizens daily? The prayers quadrillions of soldiers and civilians utter daily in an effort to believe? That devotion to the Emperor? All fostered and nurtured by Lorgar. All brought about by his and his Legion's sheer devotion. In short, Lorgar is responsible for both the Heresy that marked the end of the Imperium's golden age, and the only thing that would save Humanity in its long evolution to a fully psychic race. That being said, Lorgar is actually so ashamed of the Lectitio Divinitatus (the primary holy book of the Imperium he wrote) that bringing it up is a surefire way to have your body and soul obliterated in such horrific ways that no words exist in the myriad tongues of the universe to fully encompass the unholy rape you would receive. Seriously, just... don't.

Since the Heresy, Lorgar's notable achievements consist of becoming a [[Daemon Prince]] of [[Chaos Undivided]] (and, yes, that is technically possible) before doing sweet fuck all for several millenia. Seriously, at least [[Magnus the Red|Magnus]] pretends to be plotting the downfall of Man or something while he sits in his tower screaming "[[JUST AS PLANNED]]" at the top of his lungs whenever he pours milk over his daemon cereal, and he actually got off his ass and led the [[Thousand Sons]] to wreck the [[Space Wolves]]' shit on their own home planet. Lorgar, though? The lazy fuckwit has just been holed up on Sicarus meditating and traversing the warp, secretly "Crying and weeping in guilt for what he has done" quote on quote by our [[Spiritual Liege|spiritual liege]] himself, [[Roboute Guilliman|Rawbutt Derpyman]]. Congratulations, [[Chaos Gods]], you have created the Lovecraftian equivalent of that unemployed asshole friend who won't get off your couch and who is secretly [[Cyrus|emo]]. If you believe Magnus, Lorgar has already achieved what the Chaos Gods wanted by setting up this stalemate between Chaos and the Imperium so he's entitled to some well-earned ruminating on scripture, but fuck that because it's boring. Also because it runs totally counter to the beliefs that Lorgar develops during ''The First Heretic'', which are all about mankind embracing Chaos and everyone becoming willingly possessed like his Gal Vorbak.

Apparently he was actually working on some new daemon summoning techniques, which he taught Abbadon before the Thirteenth Black Crusade. Which on the whole... is pathetic, that's like something they should be doing on their off hours when not busy slaughtering Imperial worlds. Given that Abbadon's the only other big player on the Chaos side who's still devoted to toppling the Imperium in the name of Chaos Undivided, you'd think Lorgar would be beside him every step of the way. The prevailing theory is that he's busy <strike>Indulging Slaanesh's churchboy fantasies</strike> "contemplating the mysteries of Chaos". Although if you want to be logical, (if logic could be applied to chaos or 40k in general) him being the daemon prince of chaos undivided means that he must execute the will of chaos undivided, which is, incidentally, divided, and as such, he literally can't do shit.
==On The Tabletop==
{| border="1" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="5" align="left"
! || Pts || WS || BS || S || T || W || I || A || Ld || Sv
|-
| '''Lorgar Aurelian:''' || 375 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 5 || 6 || 4 || 10 || 2+
|} 
Lorgar may be the cheapest of the Primarchs, and he may have one the lowest statlines amongst them (aside from a decent initiative), but do not let this fool you - used properly he can be one of the most powerful Primarchs.

First off, he magnifies the strong points of his legion: Word Bearers are already quite brave with 3d6 morale tests (discarding the highest dice). Lorgar makes them all Ld10 (for Morale and Pinning tests, does not require LoS), and immune to Fear, effectively turning them into the bravest non-fearless army in 30k bar Custodes and Solar Auxilia, but only if the squad sees him, i.e., has LoS. Hell, even in 40k none could rival their resolve (apart from Tyranids until you kill their synapse, or Deathwing Terminators). Word Bearers are quite good in melee with their compulsory psyker-chaplains, ability to re-roll 1s for sweeping advance and cheap melee-friendly squad-wide buffing through Dark Channeling; Lorgar enhances their close combat by granting +1 to charge distance and combat resolution (LoS needed). He also confers his crusader rule to any unit he joins, further increasing the chances of successful sweeping advances if they win in melee.

As for Lorgar himself, he has a S8 AP2 MС power maul with Smash, a MC S6 AP3 pistol for +1A and 2+/4++ armour which grants 3++ against ''any psychic empowered attacks (including witchfire powers and blows from Force Weapons)'', but against Witchfires is a bit redundant, because Lorgar would likely Deny any spell targeted at him with his rerollable DtW on 3+. He can also force one model or unit to reroll all 5-6 to hit and to wound against him once per game, which is obviously his "I win" button in challenges.

Lorgar's main strength is that he's a ML2 psyker with access to Divination and Telekinesis. Though he got a handicap, he can only harness warp charges on 5+ ''(amended for 7th edition by FAQ)'' this matters very little, because he can (and should) be upgraded to ML3, where he harnesses warp charges on 3+ and gains the freedom to pick powers manually at the start of the game instead of randomly rolling them. This is where he starts turning into rape machine, as both Divination and Telekinesis have quite a murderfuck set of powers normally compensated by the fact that there's only a small chance of getting the good ones. While losing access to Telepathy (and Invisibility by extension) in his revised rules is a bit of a setback since he can't cheese his way through most Primarch vs. Primarch fights like he used to, the variety of supporting powers that Divination provide are a fine compensation for that. Precognition seems to take the mantle of his "I win" button, making him both tougher and killier.

Assuming you take Lorgar ascended to pick your powers, tailor your needs to suit your opponent. Precognition, as previously mentioned, turns him into a challenge monster who gets to reroll all of the things. Objuration Mechanicum is another solid power, getting easy hull points off vehicle squadrons or making units kill themselves that rely on volume of fire to cause wounds in the shooting phase. Misfortune is particularly good against MEQ units to begin with and the ability to simply have it when you need it is equally good as a result. Should you sit Lorgar back with a heavy support squad full of high damage weapons, laugh at all the death inflicted from Perfect Timing denying cover saves. Really, your imagination is the limit and the ability to have the power that will benefit you the most against the army you're playing is worth the 75 point Lorgar upgrade, all day every day.

==Lorgar VS other Primarchs:==
<div class="toccolours mw-collapsible mw-collapsed" style="100%">
Primarch fighting, while fun to see isn't a very competitive thing to do as it'll usually tie up both Primarchs for the entire game without either of them dying (and Lorgar's abilities and statline mean he's much better suited to fighting marines where he can Instant Death them), with that in mind this section is how Lorgar fares against other Primarchs Mathhammer wise. Please note that all the various abilities, with the exception of Blind and Lorgar's powers, are taken into account (Blind is ignored because it never helps nor hinders the outcome of the fights, and psychic powers are too random to apply to this and don't work often enough to sway the fight) and the match-ups assume the Primarchs are the only ones involved in the fighting, so various abilities like Angron's "The Butcher's Nails" and Rampage do not provide any bonuses. Note too this mathhammer is only based on regular Lorgar.
<div class="mw-collapsible-content">

* Lorgar VS Horus (using The Talon)
**Round 1: Horus hits 3.444 times, wounds 1.775 times, 0.887 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.554 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Round 2: Horus hits 4 times, wounds 3.554, 1.777 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 1.444 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Lorgar hits Horus 2.5 times, wounds 2.083 times, 0.694 after saves and IWND will take that to 0.083 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Lorgar loses this fight. BADLY.

* Lorgar VS Angron
**Round 1: Angron hits 4.888 times, wounds 3.846 times, 1.923 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 1.59 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Round 2: Angron hits 4 times, wounds 3.333, 1.666 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 1.333 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Lorgar hits Angron 2.5 times, wounds 2.083 times, 1.041 after saves and IWND will take that to 0.708 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Lorgar loses this fight. BADLY.

*Lorgar VS Fulgrim
**Round 1 (Laer Blade): Fulgrim hits 4.147 times, wounds 1.726 times, 0.863 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.530 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Round 2 (Laer Blade): Fulgrim hits 4.666 times, wounds 2.333 times, 1.166 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.833 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Round 1 (FireBlade): Fulgrim hits 4.147 times, wounds 2.456 times, 1.228 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.895 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Round 2 (FireBlade): Fulgrim hits 4.666 times, wounds 3.107 times, 1.553 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 1.22 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Lorgar hits Fulgrim 2.5 times, wounds 2.083 times, 0.694 after saves and IWND will take that to 0.708 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Lorgar loses this fight. BADLY.

* Lorgar VS Mortarion
**Round 1: Mortarion hits 2.961 times, wounds 1.752 times, 0.876 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.543 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Round 2: Mortarion hits 3.333 times, wounds 2.222 times, 1.111 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.778 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Lorgar hits Mortarion 2.5 times, wounds 1.666 times, 0.833 after saves and IWND will take that to 0.278 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Lorgar loses this fight. BADLY.

* Lorgar VS Ferrus
**Round 1: Ferrus hits 2.37 times, wounds 1.865 times (Forgebreaker)/1.58 times (Bare Hands), 0.932 times after saves (Forgebreaker)/0.79 times (Bare Hands) after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.599/0.457 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Round 2: Ferrus hits 2.666 times, wounds 2.221 times (Forgebreaker)/1.777 times (Bare Hands), 1.11 times after saves (Forgebreaker)/0.888 times (Bare Hands) after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.777/0.555 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Lorgar hits 2.5 times, wounds 2.083 times, 0.555 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.222 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Lorgar loses this fight. BADLY.

* Lorgar VS Konrad Curze
**Round 1: Curze hits 3.555 times, wounds 2.369 times, 1.184 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.851 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Round 2: Curze hits 4 times, wounds 3 times, 1.5 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 1.167 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Lorgar hits 2.5 times, wounds 2.083 times, 1.041 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.708 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Lorgar loses this fight. BADLY.

* Lorgar VS Vulkan
**Round 1: Vulkan hits 2.37 times, wounds 1.865 times, 0.932 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.599 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Round 2: Vulkan hits 2.666 times, wounds 2.221 times, 1.11 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.777 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Lorgar hits 2.5 times, wounds 1.666 times, 0.554 wounds after saves and 0 wounds after IWND.
**Lorgar loses this fight. BADLY.

* Lorgar VS Perturabo
**Round 1: Perturabo hits 2.37 times (both types), wounds 1.58 times (Normal)/1.865 times (Forgebreaker), 0.79 wounds (Normal)/0.932 wounds (Forgebreaker) after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.457/0.599 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Round 2: Perturabo hits 2.666 times (both types), wounds 1.777 times (Normal)/2.221 times (Forgebreaker), 0.888 wounds (Normal)/1.11 wounds (Forgebreaker) after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.555/0.777 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Lorgar hits 2.5 times, wounds 2.083 times, 0.694 wounds after saves and 0.361 wounds after IWND.
**Lorgar loses this fight. BADLY.

* Lorgar VS Alpharius
**Alpharius round 1: hits 3.333 times, wounds 1.9444 times, 0.972 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.639 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Alpharius round 2: hits 3.889 times, wounds 2.268 times, 1.134 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.801 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Lorgar hits 2.5 times, wounds 2.083 times, 1.041 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.708 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Now that's a fight! Lorgar still loses, because Alpharius has Preferred Enemy, but not by much.

* Lorgar VS Rogal Dorn
**Round 1: Rogal Dorn hits 2.37 times (Normal)/1.259 times (Sundering Blow), wounds 1.579 times (normal)/1.164 times (Sundering Blow), 0.789/0.582 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.456/0.249 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Round 2: Rogal Dorn hits 2.666 times (Normal)/1.333 times (Sundering Blow), wounds 1.999 times (normal)/1.295 times (Sundering Blow), 0.999/0.648 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.666/0.315 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Lorgar hits 2.5 times, wounds 1.666 times, 0.833 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.5 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Lorgar loses this fight. BADLY.

* Lorgar VS Corvus Corax
**Round 1: Corvus hits 4.741 times (Scourge)/3.555 times (Shadow-walk), wounds 3.16 times (Scourge)/2.369 times (Shadow-walk), 1.58 wounds (Scourge)/1.184 wounds (Shadow-walk) after saves and IWND will take that down to 1.247/0.851 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Round 2: Corvus hits 5.333 times (Scourge)/4 times (Shadow-walk), wounds 3.999 times (Scourge)/3 times (Shadow-walk), 1.999 wounds (Scourge)/1.5 wounds (Shadow-walk) after saves and IWND will take that down to 1.666/1.167 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Lorgar hits 2.5/1.666 times, wounds 2.083/1.388 times, 1.388/0.925 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 1.055/0.592 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Lorgar loses this fight. BADLY.

* TLDR version: The weakest Primarch? Actually, if you don't consider his psychic powers, he is. But if you do...?

* Dirty Trick: Upgrade Lorgar to Lorgar Transfigured and give him Precognition. With this he will beat any other Primarch barring Horus (and a maxed out Angron). And even the Warmaster will be hard pressed in this fight.

</div>
</div>

{{Primarchs}}
[[Category:Chaos]]

Servo-skull

2017-06-25T18:37:00Z

2600:100F:B12C:AC4C:EC87:6F84:2480:A9CD: /* Types of Cherub */

[[File:SAM_0765.jpg|thumb| In all their grimey fashion]]
A '''servo-skull''' is a kind of machine used by the [[Imperium of Man]]. They are made from the skull of a deceased Imperial servant with a cogitator, some sensoria, and a hover-drive installed to make it move. What better way to reward an adept of the [[Administratum]] for his decades of shuffling around papers that nobody ever reads again than to make his skull into a little flying robot?

==Uses==
Much like the [[Tau drone|drones]] used by the [[Tau]] Empire, the Imperium puts servo-skulls to many purposes. Some of them are used as pict-recorders and message couriers, others as remote viewers linked to a controlling [[tech-priest]], still others as psychic foci or targeting computers to assist [[Inquisitor]]s and their retinues. Occasionally they have pistol sized weapons and can be used as assassination tools or a hands-free ranged weapon.

On the 40k tabletop, if you field [[Grey Knights]] they are often considered a prerequisite. They are placed on the battlefield (and can be placed anywhere outside the enemy deployment zone) after deployment areas have been determined, but before any forces are deployed. Enemy infiltrators cannot set up within 12" of a Servo-skull and enemy scouts can't use their pre-game move to approach within 12" of a Servo-skull. A friendly unit arriving by Deep Strike rolls one D6 less for scatter if it aims to arrive within 12" of a Servo-skull and friendly blast templates placed within 12" of a Servo-skull roll one D6 less for scatter. They can't technically be destroyed, but if an enemy gets within 6" of one it will be removed from play.

Whilst in 30k, they behave as familiars and are taken as wargear attached to your characters. Granting them an extension of their senses, which translates into +1 to invulnerable saves due to enhanced reflexes and also allows them to re-roll characteristic tests ''(like Toughness or Initiative)''

==Famous Heads==
One particularly "reknowned" Servo-Skull is that of Brother Brantor who was a marksman in the [[Deathwatch]]. Somehow rather than getting the honoured rest that he deserved, his head never left the service of the Ordos Xenos, who then fitted it with a stealth anti-grav and a whole range of sensors and auspexes (presumably because a Space Marine's skull might be big enough to fit everything) which makes it/him extremely useful for recon missions and the like. Improbably, the skull is also a better close combatant with an increased weapon skill, which certainly cannot be a carry over of experience, since all brain matter is replaced with cogitators, so obviously the Ordos Xenos still knows how to get access to high-quality [[Heresy|artificial intelligence]].

==Cherubim==
[[File:Cherub.png|300px|right|thumb|Wild flying babies. Unfortunately trying to put a diaper on one of them is a painful and arduous task.]]
One particularly messed-up variant of a servo-skull is the '''cherub''' (plural: '''cherubim'''), which uses a vat-grown baby instead of a dead servant's skull as the base structure and therefore have much more in common with your garden variety [[servitors]] rather than simple robotic machines.

It sounds like something [[Slaanesh]] dreamed up, but apparently it's all the rage for higher-ups in the [[Ecclesiarchy]] to have little choirs of the things to sing hymns.

One member of the GW staff went to an extraordinary length in describing where they came from and what various purposes they are suited for. According to the history, they first turned up in M33 to celebrate the ascension of the [[Emperor]] to the Golden Throne, where the [[Adeptus Mechanicus|Adeptus Biologicus]] released 2000 cherubs into the Throne Chamber (one for each year of his enthronement) where they all flew up into the rafters to sing hymns and remain there still, being maintained by the Mechanicum, and presumably shitting on everything just like pigeons do.

While singing hymnals is certainly what Cherubim are most well-known for, they do have a number of other roles, since unlike servo-skulls they do have at least some level of intellect to be able to perform complicated tasks.

Goge Vandire had them installed EVERYWHERE during the [[Age of Apostasy]], acting as mobile CCTV cameras so he could spy on everyone looking for sedition.

Some [[Rogue Trader (RPG)|starships]] have Cherubim aeries installed to help out with menial everyday tasks, though this generally freaks out the common crew as having feral babies flying above your head is pretty poor for morale.

===Types of Cherub===
Other less documented roles include:
*'''Butler''' - Basically a house menial, attends to cleaning and serving things when expected.
*'''Crusader''' - Adorable teddy bear sized servitors in plate mail, as if being surrounded by armoured babies makes you appear more threatening.
*'''Custodian''' - Tattooed with Hexagrammatic Wards, these ones are trusted to carry proscribed artifacts.
*'''Foci''' - Psychically attuned to their masters, and can be used as psyber familiars.
*'''[[Watchers in the Dark|Gregori]]''' - Little dudes with freakishly large eyes, fitted with auspex scanners
*'''Harpy''' - Babies with blades attached to their feet, are almost always female and are used as combat pests.
*'''Love Angel''' - Cupid in 40k for people who like to be watched by children while they do it ''(You wish I was kidding)''. They exude pheromones to heighten sexual attraction.
*'''Reaper''' - Babies dressed in dark robes, come equipped with digi-weapons to remove people bothering their masters.
*'''Shining''' - these have refractor fields built into somewhere in their bodies. Not really useful to its master unless you send it somewhere for a different reason where it's likely to be destroyed.
*'''Squire''' - Babies with muscle augmentations, which can hilariously make them stronger than full grown adult humans. Their purpose is to hold whatever gets passed to them by their master.
*'''Stenographer''' - a much more discrete quill servitor, records everything said in its location.
*'''Swift''' - Much larger wings which allows them to generate more thrust and speed.
*'''Sycophant''' - Carries around a mirror to let you know how special you are.
*'''Tailor''' - fixes clothing handed to them using an onboard supply of thread.
*'''Weapons Loader''' - exactly what it says, tiny people trained to reload a weapon when it's given to them.

While some Cherubs can be manufactured to perform multiple roles, there is always a limit to how much a single servitor can be expected to carry out. Hence, you might find a pack of cherubs built as butlers to attend the care of a household, but also double up as harpies to chase off unwelcome guests.

Thus there is actually a second list of more complicated tasks that Cherubim might also be created to perform usually to the exclusion of anything else:
*'''Chorister''' - The typical singing Cherub that is well known across the Imperium. Probably more complicated because they need to know an extensive back-catalogue of songs to sing. Some also know how to play instruments and carry around incense burners.
*'''Generator''' - Essentially a flying force-field. These ones have massive power field generators built into their bodies which are heavy and clunky.
*'''Grenadier''' - Dressed up like little soldiers, these ones carry bombs and set them up wherever ordered to by their masters.
*'''Healer''' - A medic, equipped with a variety of medicinal tools. Unlike a medical servo-skull which are tools for 40k doctors and carry their kit where directed, these little critters can actually attend to wounds and simple illnesses on their own without prompting.
*'''Jailer''' - Floating interrogation tools, carrying psy-nulling manacles, shock collars and a variety of drugs. Basically your BDSM baby.
*'''Messenger''' - much more complex than messenger servo-skulls. Rather than hunting for a person based on likeness alone, they are equipped with pheromone sensors and can track a target by smell and deliver a cogitators worth of information. They are also always built as '''Swift''' Cherubs too for quick movement.
*'''Pariah''' - They can do it via cloning anyway, making Inquisitorial Agents and Culexus Assassins, so why not have an untouchable baby? Comes with a handy limiter to turn the field on and off.
*'''Sage''' - Carries archeotech relics that perform specific effects, because nothing says opulence like having feral flying midgets using your most fragile and expensive equipment for you.
*'''Seer''' - Blind cherubs that have somehow been [[Astropath|Soul-bound]] to the Emperor, which must make them hellishly expensive/rare if this is the case. Their purpose though is to channel psychic backwash from perils of the warp from psychic masters.
*'''Spy''' - Little [[Ninja]] servitors often cloaked in Chameleoline, they have augmented lungs that allow them to resist airborne toxins, a sophisticated on-board suite of short ranged cyber senses for detecting poisons and they also have implanted multi-keys and know how to pick locks.

===Nephilim===
In quite possibly the most [[grimdark]] of grimdarkness, there is actually an upper category of Cherubim, referred to as '''Nephilim''' (which means [[Dark Angels|Fallen]]).

While it is rumoured that rarely a tech-priest can create a master-crafted Cherub with a considerably higher intellect, the truth is that occasionally Cherubs are manufactured using [[grimdark|ACTUAL BABIES]] rather than vat grown ones ''(perhaps too grimdark for mainstream GW, hence the article was labeled as "unofficial" with heavy emphasis on the inverted commas)''.

The difference is that vat-grown servitors have no developed central nervous system, which essentially makes them living vegetables until they are given a directive to follow. In the case of human-servitors, they already have a developed CNS and therefore are able to be trusted with multiple complicated tasks and actually use their initiative to figure out what needs doing.

Thankfully, it numbers the times that Nephilim have been made since they are regarded as extremely uncommon; only 22 times since M36 and each for personal reasons determined by the owner and not just for [[powergamer|creating a "better"]] Cherub.
*One Nephil, "L", was a psyker of such power that it was impossible to transport her via Black Ship, so the Inquisition fixed her into an angelic lightning rod that served the inquisitor for 157 years until it was destroyed by a Daemonhost.
*Another case file was on Maya's World in 076.M41, where a certain Lord Torrington had his comatose son made into a Nephil rather than watch him die. Unfortunately, due to [[Administratum|Imperial inheritance law]], the Servitor [[Fail|was eventually named Duke]] and has been the head of the house ever since.

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[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]]
[[Category:Imperial]]