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Tzeentch

2020-08-09T02:39:11Z

2600:1700:19C0:2760:19B:CC5A:80C3:A0E6: /* Introduction */

[[File:934501-tzeentch mark.png|center]]
[[File:Tzeentch the Architect of Fate.jpg|500px|thumb|right|Tzeentch thinking to himself: [[Troll|"Hmmm... I wonder what plans I would foil again?"]]]]
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{{heresy}}
''JUST AS PLANNED... ALWAYS AS PLANNED... NEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHHE... LOL''! - The Word of Tzeentch on just about any Misfortune you encounter

''AN INTERESTING QUESTION, ASSHOLE!'' - Tzeentch responding to the question "What are rules really though?" from [[If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device]] [https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iVW3HaeVImQ]

{{Topquote|O Fortune, like the moon you are changeable, ever waxing and waning. Hateful life, first oppresses, and then soothes as fancy takes it; poverty, and power it melts them like ice. Fate - monstrous and empty, you whirling wheel, you are malevolent, well-being is in vain and always fades to nothing, ...|Oh Fortuna, from the Carmina Burana}}

{{Topquote|Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible.|Frank Zappa}}

{{Topquote|I can calculate the motion of heavenly bodies, but not the madness of people.|Sir Isaac Newton}}

{{Topquote|Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.|Albert Einstein.}}

==Introduction==
[[Image:Tzeench_political_poster.jpg|thumb|250px|right|Tzeentch has a fetish for birds, as seen by this sorceress getting her bird mutations on in a proper Tzeentchian <s>and weirdly hot</s> fashion. Wait, that's Slaanesh's schtick! Best believe Tzeentch's ass is getting sued.]]
'''Tzeentch''', (pronounced Zeench) also known as '''the Great Conspirator, the Changer of the Ways, the Architect of Fate, Tchar, Chen the Deceiver, Tsien-Tsin, [[H.P. Lovecraft|Nyarlathotep]], the Troll Master, Cheenzh, the Raven God, the Trickster, the Archmage God, the Lord of Nerds, [[/b/]], Emperor Lollercoaster, [[/pol/|International Jewry]], [[If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device|The Indecisive Mollusk]], Master of Madness, Dr. Wizard, Space Obama, the Lord of Social Media, The Monarch of Operating Updates, Terror of Tumblr or Pinterest, [[Star Trek|Q]]), The Great Lovecraftian Geek, [[JoJo's Bizarre Adventure|Joseph Joestar]], Loki, The Cuttlefish of Keikaku, and 9933 other names''' is or is not the [[Chaos God]] of change, curiosity, hard-to-spell names, lies, cunning, Ambition, opportunity, creativity and inventiveness, mutation and evolutionary processes, [[Entropy|'Pure Chaos']], Machiavelli, CEOs, politics, governmental power, manipulation, trolling, the internet, possibly all recorded information, Leadership, social media, any smartphone platform like apple, Supervillain Geniuses, progress, knowledge, magic, [[psykers]], [[Chess]], Lawyers (despite being the closest Chaos God who matches the profile of a High-Functioning Psychopath), Hope (despite there being [[God-Emperor of Mankind|a contender for God of Hope]]), constant article editing, and massively overlong lists.

In [[Warhammer Fantasy]] he may or may not have already existed before the world like the other Chaos Gods, and the [[Old Ones]] actively tried to prevent [[Daemons]] from ever successfully invading the world by creating the different races of the game in an attempt to find something that could cheese Daemons in every battle until the very Warp Gates that the Old Ones used to come to the planet in the first place collapsed forming miniature [[Eye of Terror|Eyes of Terror]] at the poles of the world (''Just as planned''). He is said to have a fetish for [[Blood Ravens|Ravens]] amongst the [[Warriors of Chaos|Norse]] tribes and Condors amongst [[Warriors of Chaos|Kurgan nomads]]. There's no real picture for Tzeentch since the weird bastard always and never but always changes his appearance every time he sits for his yearbook photo. Some of the more or less memorable appearances have been: an opaline serpent constantly slithering in-place; a no-neck blue greater daemon with a skin pocked with faces that each repeat what the main head just said with different emphasis or tone; a rainbow-hued cloud of mist that speaks by casting echoes off nearby structures without making the original sound; a featureless green-skinned human in an archaic grey suit with the words "NO PICTURE AVAILABLE" suspended in the air where his face would be; and perhaps the most or least prominent, a giant imp with two penises growing out of its head. No, srsly. Unless... he could be Slaane-- {{BLAM|''*URGLBURGL*''}}

Strangely, Tzeentch was often/rarely/usually attributed to hope in the two settings, despite there being Chaos Gods of Order in Fantasy, and in 40k the [[God-Emperor of Mankind]] serving as The God of Hope in his career even if he never wanted to be worshiped as such. To be fair, there is a difference between hope and order (or is there?). The Chaos Gods embody traits that can be directed for good or evil (how can hope be evil? To invoke Godwin's Law, Hitler hoping his genocide plans would succeed was evil, or as in Pandora's Box where hope prolongs suffering). It is entirely possible or not that what Games Workshop incorrectly called Hope is more or less but more accurately called selfish Ambition, the sort that would drive people to commit Machiavellian backstabbing, because in the grim darkness of the 41st millennium [[God-Emperor of Mankind|actual selfless Hope]] is pretty much [[Nurgle|a rotting corpse]].

He is or isn't typically the second strongest of the Chaos Gods, however he has advantage over Khorne when it comes to IQ, manipulation and leadership. In canon Chaos God vs Chaos God stories he has the largest number of victories and fewest number of defeats. He rarely does things directly and prefers to trick one of the Chaos Gods or their servants into fighting with one another (to the point that one can assume anytime a Chaos God goes to war with another one, he's probably behind it). He got Skarbrand, the then mightiest Bloodthirster, to attack his master. Skarbrand hit with all his strength but only put a chink in Khorne's armor and Khorne got unbelievably, incomprehensibly, all-consumingly pissed and grabbed Skarbrand and threw him so hard that he went sailing in the sky for days before finally crashing into the ground so hard that his wings broke. and whenever Tzeentch gets caught into these antics (most especially by an enraged Khorne) he could simply recite the rules (Yes, Chaos have strange rules) and testify to the circumstances proving that he wasn't responsible. If everyone including the Emperor and the Chaos Gods want to find him guilty for cheating then he will just twist it back to them because he wasn't violating the rules set by the highest authorities in the tabletop: the [[Mod]]s. in other words, Tzeentch is a Cosmic Attorney.

Except that millions of his followers will likely be slaughtered and his faith likely has a new enemy... but Tzeentch, like every Chaos God, is beyond our petty definition of victory and defeat. Which makes the above paragraph idiotically inaccurate, like most of our concepts of reality when the Warp gets involved.
[[File:Tzeentch Old.jpg|thumb|right|400px|The first depiction of Tzeentch in Warhammer art.]]
Once Tzeentch was the strongest of all the Chaos Gods and basically made the Warp his bitch. In 40k this was actually tied to a real world time period now known as a Dark Age of Technology - the golden age of prosperity, '''hope''', '''ambition''', and '''progress''', when Humanity and Eldar, who dominated the Galaxy defeated the diseases and poverty with their sophisticated science and sorcery and waged their wars through emotionless constructs and robots - no wonder Tzeentch was supercharged by these events and the other two gods were at their lowest of the lows. Unfortunately for him, he uncharacteristically didn't plan on the other two Chaos gods agreeing to team up against him and was shattered into countless fragments (it was his crystal staff in the old lore). [[Khaine|Unlike a certain other god]], he was able to put himself back together again, but he's still missing several pieces of himself. In Fantasy those pieces went on to become the first magic, and in 40k they caused a massive burst of powerful psykers being born, which combined with a robot rebellion humans experienced and pleasure cults Eldar went into brought the downfall of both civilizations, effectively ending their golden ages. Although, given the nature of gods, it's possible that the cause-consequence chain was the other way around with a war in the Warp being the representation of two great prosperous empires falling from their grace. [[The Blue Scribes]] are tasked with recollecting these fragments. Tzeentch also claims the Realm of Chamon in the [[Age of Sigmar]]. The [[Slann]] managed to create the Halosphere as a passageway to Tzeentch's lair.

If Tzeentch had a voice actor... Tzeentch would need different ones all the time (or would he?). A good candidate is Aidan “[[A Song of Ice and Fire|Petyr Baelish]]” Gillan, who helpfully can't keep his accent straight for longer than a scene at a time.

==Elf/Eldar Gods==
In 40k, he was ''seemingly'' the only Chaos God who didn't try to intervene when Slaanesh went on his/her/its "just-born" raping and killing spree as far as we know. But Tzeentch seldom works directly, so there's no way to tell for sure.

In Warhammer Fantasy, [[Asuryan]] is something of the Road Runner to his Wile E. Coyote. While Tzeentch's flawless and infinitely intricate plans of dickery seem to culminate with the Warp enveloping the world, something always goes wrong at the last minute and usually the High Elves or an ally of the High Elves are at the center of it. That's because Asuryan also has a plan, one he actually shares with mortal [[High Elves]] who take a vow of silence and become his monks. Asuryan's plan is NOT flawless however, and culminates in one giant last battle with a 50% chance of success or fail on his behalf between "good" (Order) and "evil" (Destruction). The outcome of that battle will decide if the Chaos Gods win or lose once and for all. Apparently, dragons will go extinct either way though. It turns out that his plan [[The End Times|didn't work out]].
Tzeentch also has direct relations with [[Morai-Heg]] who is a goddess of prophesy who can actively change fate at her will. Morai-Heg is a True Neutral kind of being who fucks with everyone's plans in ways that end up with them indebted to her one way or another. Usually because she manipulates things in a way to force you to come to her to undo the change she already made (you don't know she did this in the first place) and make a third result, which someone else probably asked for due to a change someone else made and...well, let's just summarize it as "''Everyone's plans are all going according to plan''".

==[[Just as planned]]...==
Tzeentch will always be '''at least''' three steps ahead of you; he out-dicks [[Eldrad]], [[Cegorach|The Laughing God]], both [[Sigmar|God]] [[God-Emperor of Mankind|Emprahs]] (though just barely in regard to the second one...a fact he likes), and the [[C'tan|Deceiver]] hands down. Just an example: He tricked [[Slaanesh]] into provoking [[Khorne]], a fight she promptly lost. Why did he do it? He did it for fun...and as a favor for a friend.

Just [[The Game (Tzeentch)|don’t mention]] [[Creed]] around him...or Kitten.

In Warhammer Fantasy, he's notable for never really doing much of anything really (except trapping [[Sigmar]] for years in the Wind of Heaven until Vortex on [[Ulthuan]] is destroyed and the Wind, under Sigmar's direction, enters the body of Emperor [[Karl Franz]] after his death.) His champions either have magical powers or limited ability to see and manipulate the future. Some just follow more charismatic champions of other Chaos Gods into battle, although when that champion inevitably falls Tzeentch's almost always survive to mutate another day. The setting's China equivalent, [[Cathay]], has wizards actively stealing Tzeentch's magic and using its effects to affect the world with greater power than normal magic can. They do this entirely without worshiping him or suffering Chaos mutations or taint (according to the fluff, they do worship Tzeentch, they just know him by another name and don't know his true nature... this is most likely a reference to Daoism and ''Yi Jing'', the Book of Change). Clearly Tzeentch mostly just focuses on 40k while the other three Chaos Gods play two tables at once (or maybe Tzeentch is lulling the Cathayans into a false sense of security...).

The funny thing is, Tzeentch's plots will never come to true fruition. They just go on and on, forever and ever, twisted and tangled for the sheer joy of it with no end goal or even a purpose behind them. Tzeentch is a god of ''chaos'', and a plan satisfied, tied up, finished, is a plan that has left his purview. There is no victory, no defeat, no end. Ends are stagnation, [[Nurgle|the opposite of all he represents]]. [[Games Workshop|There will only be the endless clatter of dice in]] [[Warhammer 40K|the mad, cruel games the gods play with the fates and souls of men]]. Rolled without end, amen. In this sense, Tzeentch truly is the Chaos God of hope because he will never allow Chaos to defeat the mortal plane if he can- at least, not if it doesn't lead to further changes. While most everyone else plays to win, Tzeentch plays for fun, for as long as he can. In older fluff, Tzeentch was also the Chaos God of magic and intellect, so if anyone wanted Tzeentch to win, they just had to make a clever plan that would further Tzeentch's goals and pull it off, increase the amount of magic in the world or become a wizard (so technically everytime a [[Storm of Magic|Storm of Magic]] happens would be a victory for Tzeentch), [[Matt Ward|though GW has downplayed that aspect of him]], or maybe he's just trying to appear more menacing, who knows.

Possibly the god of "I meant to do that", "I was just pretending to be retarded," and "we can still make this work...".

==Followers==
Tzeentch's followers tend to be Librarians/wizards, Sorcerers, nerds, psykers/magical beings, unstable mutants, and red-nosed misfits, but instead of [[Nurgle]]'s "I love you just for who you are," Tzeentch encourages his followers to [[/tg/|revel in what makes them dweeb outcasts]] and go even further, constantly finding new ways to push limits and try things out just because they can. It's not enough that you've made this former Guardsman loyal, harder and better, faster and stronger, you could also fit another three arms on the guy, and if you added a head on his pelvis he would never be surprised, and he can't talk anymore so why not replace his larynx with a flamer sac? [[Chaos Spawn|Whereas other Chaos Gods accidentally pour too much love into their subjects]] (Slaanesh quite literally), Tzeentch does it on purpose because he actually knows what he's doing when he does so.

* Tzeentch Daemons are:
** '''Pink Horrors''': Ever-shifting gleeful balls of psychic rape. Really powerful ones are Heralds of Tzeentch. Courtesy of sixth edition 40k, these guys are now brotherhood of sorcerers, and a blob of 16 or more horrors can cast 3 spells per turn, and since they're daemons of Tzeentch they test on Ld10. Unfortunately, all the powers they have are '''FUN*'''. 8th edition Fantasy sees them as a blob of level 1 wizards who can't miscast, which are fun due to the randomness of them but aren't really competitive. The best-known of these is a being called the Changeling, who has the ability to transform into any being it wants, usually for the purposes of wreaking havoc behind enemy lines (although it has also been known to do so for pulling pranks as well, like planting Nurglings on the Skull Throne just as Khorne is about to sit down or cutting Slaanesh's hair while he/she/it sleeps). Apparently it's changed its form so many times it doesn't even remember what it originally used to look like.
** '''Blue Horrors''': When you kill a pink horror, it splits into 2 tiny, manic-depressive blue horrors. In 40k it just means your pink horrors hit back at S2 every time you kill one in close combat, which is kind of useless. Why are your horrors in close combat anyway? The Fantasy version of them are summonables that enter onto the field when the magic lore of Tzeentch sees a spell casted very well (since your Pink Horrors cannot miscast, throwing a fuckload of dice into a spell to produce more Blue Horrors is nifty). They're pretty weak though anyway, which is what keeps full Tzeentch armies from really being viable. A particularly notable pair of Blue Horrors are P'tarix and Xirat'p, also known as [[The_Blue_Scribes | Blue Scribes]]. Tzeentch sent them out to catalog every single magic spell in reality, knowing that they weren't smart enough to know how easily abused the power of said spells might be. Finally fixed in Age of Sigmar as they're now just weaker pink horrors that you place two when a pink horror dies.
*** '''Brimstone Horrors''': Also known as Yellow Horrors. Recently added in Age of Sigmar and 40k, oddly never mention until now since three is a running theme for Tzeentch. When a Blue Horror dies they turn into a pair of angry little fire daemons.
** '''Flamers''': like Horrors but less limb-y and way more mouths to breathe fire with. Also, this fire is S4 AP4. If you inflict wounds on a unit they have to take a toughness test, and if they fail they suffer D3 wounds with no saves allowed. On the other hand, if they pass the toughness test [[FAIL|they get feel no pain (6+) which can stack if they keep passing.]]. They're the main Daemon ranged option in Warhammer Fantasy, although they're pretty close range. Best used to shotgun an enemy right in the flank while it's engaged with something from one of the other Chaos Gods in melee. ''Just as planned'', right there in the crunch.
** '''Screamers of Tzeentch''': the Tzeentchian notion of cavalry; levitating manta rays with buzzsaw fins. Also melta-teeth for some reason. In Fantasy they function as chaff by harassing units and weakening them (with great luck killing something important like a mage) or [[DISTRACTION_CARNIFEX |forcing them to devote a turn killing them and thus leaving that unit open to whatever other Daemons you brought]].
***'''Jet Screamers''': screamers that are really fast, Gold colored, and capable of shooting magic missles, and can teleport limited distances...so basically space cliffracers, (though the don't make any annoying sounds, every 5 seconds). very rarely seen, (tzeentch reserves them from combating other chaos gods), and those who see them even more rarely come out intact.
** '''Burning Chariots of Tzeentch''': One-man vehicles for heralds of Tzeentch or Exalted Flamers, which are like flamers but... exalted. In 40k this is where the AP2 Tzeentch Flame attack went after Flamers got a buff (but it's assault D3, for optimal '''FUN*''', and it also has a S5 AP3 torrent attack. These both follow the same warpflame rules as flamers do, but they also won't be leaving so many survivors so it's not as big a deal. Fantasy sees them as the surprise buttsecks machine, once again tearing through an enemy that's engaged with something else. Like Tzeentch's architectural styles though it's a glass cannon that WILL break if damn near anything short of an anemic [[Bretonnia|Bretonnian]] peasant orphan with a cold attacks it.
** '''[[Lord of Change|Lords of Change]]''': huge birdlike sorcerers that look like a [[Furry|werewolf's in-between state, only it's a werevulture-snake-velociraptor...thing]] (So, a Skeksis from Dark Crystal?). They have the power to predict the future at any given time so they're almost invincible, unless Tzeentch wants them to die, which going by all the times Tzeentchian Chaos Daemon and Thousand Sons armies lose, happens surprisingly often. They're the best non-named spellcaster available to Daemons in Fantasy. Chief among their number is Tzeentch's right-hand daemon Kairos Fateweaver, who was gifted the ability to know everything that will ever happen (along with a second head). It's said that he knows the answers to all questions, but if you ask him, [[Troll|both heads give contradicting answers, with no way of knowing which head is telling the truth]], just [http://www.wobblymodelsyndrome.com/comic-80.html Don't ask him his name]. (Then again, there's nothing saying it's the same one lying every time.)
* Tzeentch's Chaos Marines come with an [[Thousand Sons|Egyptian motif]], and plenty of psykers and Sorcerers. Aside from that Tzeentchian marines are usually warband leaders, their advisors or prominent ambitious champions wishing to become one. Many of them hold their dedication to the Architect in secret, if only to keep their advantage of god's favor over other marines - ambition after all is the big deal for them. Fully Tzeentchian warbands do exist, but they are usually comprised of either complete madman who hear voices, see futures, hear all the lies in the world (simultaneously), can shape-shift or mutate at will or have some other mind-blowing (sometimes literally) "gifts" from the Architect, or body-less drones commanded by extremely powerfull mages, and a few elite commandos armed with psychicly reloading flame bolters (he values quality over quantity). It helps that Tzeentch is likely based on the Ancient Egyptian god Thoth. (also known as Jehuty who has been called a death god by some...)
* Tzeentch's [[Warriors of Chaos|viking followers]] are usually the outcasts and elders of the tribes of the Norsemen rather than being a united group. They like to rock the "evil wizard" look with hooded cloaks and sacrificial daggers to compliment their tentacles and 3 faces on one head.
* He is also worshipped by the [[Cathay]] as their state religion.
*In AoS, his mortal worshippers are the [[Tzeentch Arcanite]]s. They hide in the cities of Sigmar and Order, slowly amassing power and influence, before rising up in a spectacular display of both Just as Planned and fiery mutated goodness.

==Facts==
*Sly Marbo is the only person that Tzeench cannot control. That and Creed, that sneaky fucker, who is currently holding a gun to my {{BLAM}}.

* The name Tzeentch was originally going to be "Thence" of Change (which is a six letter anagram of Tzeentch) the TZ was latter added and the name reworked at the suggestion of [[John Blanche]] returning from holiday in Tanzania, where he saw a blue feathered bird performing tricks at the request of a tribal priest named Tuz Tuz.

* Tzeentch is likely inspired by the Ancient Egyptian god Thoth. Thoth was the bird-headed god of writing, science and magic; remember what Tzeentch's Greater Daemons look like.

* Tzeentch explained Chaos to a group of mathematicians. The ones who didn't go insane or start worshipping him came up with Chaos Theory.

* Tzeentch's favorite author changes from time to time. Some of his recurring favorites are Niccolo Machiavelli, Charles Darwin and Michael Crichton.

* A little-known fact: Tzeentch is anon.

* Tzeentch was responsible for the Great Depression and the 2008 financial crisis. Also, the First Gulf War? That was him too.

* Tzeentch does it for the lulz.

* Tzeentch is surprizingly good friends with Doomguy, due to the fact that doomguy thinks most of his plans are hilarious, and he follows him...also for the lulz. (he got bored of "cleaning out" the citadel of brass every day and wanted a change).

* You know when your first puppy died? <s>Tzeentch did that too</s> it might have been slannesh.

* Tzeentch (much like [[Sly Marbo]]) knows and sees everything; thusly, he sees you masturbate and knows what fantasies you're having. And he laughs at you (again, much like [[Sly Marbo]]).
** Slannesh used to pay him “good money,” to tell you what you masturbate to, but an "agreement" with khorne made him stop accepting bribes. (he only took it because DoomGuy told him it would further Their plans).
* Khorne is Tzeentch's favorite victim for hijinks because of an incident involving DoomGuy’s friend Valen’s son being turned into a meat puppet for his and the C'tan's [[Doom|earth invasion plan]]. the fact that Khorne is very easy to string along is a good bonus.

* Slaanesh is Tzeentch's second favorite victim for his hijinks, because Slaanesh's desire for a new high makes him/her/it very easy to string along, and also because it makes khorne laugh.

* Starscream is a servant of Tzeentch; he's got a huge amount of ambition. Too bad that Tzeentch won't let him succeed until he actually forms a plan instead of just saying "I am the new leader!" if Megatron so much as sneezes.

* Tzeentch is the god of hope among other things, yet he's a lot less friendly than the god of despair. Probably because most every being in the universe has had their fair share of despair and has learned to cope with it, while hope tends to show up just before you get ground into the dirt again. When the Despair-god comes knocking, you open a bottle and sigh, when the hope god shows up, you immediately wonder how you're going to get raped this time.

* Tzeentch has only ever truly lost to two beings: Creed and a [[If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device|little kitten wearing a silver banana armour]].

* Tzeentch is a very morky god due to the fact he could set in motion a string of events that could lead to a lasgun in the back of the head when you aren't looking.

* Tzeentch is the <s>only</s> First contestant to ever be banned from entering Deal or No Deal after winning $1,000,000 9 times in a row.

* During their early days, Tzeentch once put on a magic show for the 3 other Chaos gods. Among the 3, Khorne asked Tzeentch how he made Nurgle's Plaguefather disappear and reappear beside Slaanesh before their very eyes, which Tzeentch refused to tell and responded with "A good magician never reveals his tricks.", which caused Khorne to burn with unfathomable rage. <s>To this day</s> for over 50,000 years, Khorne had extremely low tolerance for magic users and psykers, which became evident when the [[World Eaters]] killed all their Psykers when they defected to Chaos. Like always, Tzeentch just said "Just as planned".
**Khorne has accutally relaxed this tendency after watching one of Tzeentch's chosen warriors [[awesome|light his sword on fire with his psychic powers]]. the fact that said warrior was DoomGuy may have helped a bit...he still hates Zaraphiston though.

* Tzeentch is slightly pissed over the fact how his only representation in DoW are the Pink Horror daemons and the Chaos Sorcerer, unlike Khorne who gets Berzerkers, Chaos Marines chant "Skulls for the Skull Throne!" on attack and how he got an epic unit, the "Bloodthirster" and the fact that he has two Chaos Lords dedicated to him and the fact that his legion shows up in Winter Assault as one of the primary opponents, Khorne then goes on to get Bloodletters, Bloodcrushers, The Chaos Lord, who is the best damn commander in the game (though the Warboss has funnier dialogue) in DoW II, while in contrast, he's stuck with the sorcerer and his marines aren't even Rubrics. Still, better than Slaanesh, who only ever got the Emperor's Children default color scheme throughout the entire series. But now Slaanesh is getting Noise Marines in Retribution, which are sorta like SM Plasma Cannon Devastators. All Tzeentch gets are marks for certain units, which turns everyone of them into tank/infantry raping death machines, especially the generic marines.

* However, in DOWII, Tzeentch is still reveling in the fact how he got [[Scott McNeil]] to voice the generic Chaos sorcerers again. '''HOWEVER!!!''', the Sorcerer's voice then became more soft, monotonous and unenthusiastic, which '''GREATLY''' angered Tzeentch.

* Tzeentch appears to be GW's least favorite of the Chaos Gods, his units tend to be the worst out of the four chaos gods, his stuff gets the least amount of attention, and the least amount of fluff written for him. Hell, there's often cases where despite magic/psykic powers being his specialty, Nurgle and/or Slaanesh give a better selection than he does. (Except for Age of Sigmar, where he's really good.) Arguably not true since 8th given how often Arhiman is used in Chaos armies and Magnus being the best of the Primarchs currently out.

* Some people play chess with reality and manipulate events and people like chess pieces, others play pool/billiards with it, moving things along like a cue ball and cue stick, others play poker with the universe, bluffing and cajoling things to receive favorable outcomes, other play roulette with the cosmos, making all the little movements needed for that lucky roll. But Tzeentch, Tzeentch does it all at once in the nightmarish game of [[Paradox poker|Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker]], or PBVRFDHCSP a game that only a true master of dickery and the ability to perceive the past, future, and present can really play without looking like a massive tool.

* Every Saturday night, Tzeentch gets together with the [[C'tan|the Deceiver]], [[Cegorach]], and the [[Emperor]] for a rousing game of [[Paradox Poker|Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker]]. The sheer amount of dickery and [[JUST AS PLANNED]] that goes on during these games is so vast that if you were to watch one of these games, your head would 'asplode into a shower of [[Necrons]], [[Daemon|Daemons]], [[Eldar]], and [[Space Marine|SPESS MEHREENS!]]. Even Khorne is afraid to watch one of these games for fear of his head's un...asplodedness... Nobody ever wins though, (mainly because the Emperor take too long on his turns). Creed was banned from these tournaments after infiltrating queens into the games and somehow rigging the roulette tables beforehand one too many times.

* Tzeentch's favorite characters in Mortal Kombat are Quan Chi, Shinnok and Shang Tsung. Though Tzeentch favors Quan Chi more than the other two due to him being (arguably) the most manipulative bastard in all of Mortal Kombat. Hell, he is mostly responsible for almost all the events that happened. In fact, Quan Chi is considered the most untrustworthy character in all of Mortal Kombat considering that he has chronic backstabbing disorder, constantly lies and never fulfills his promises.

* Tzeentch's favorite Black Library novel is "A Thousand Sons". This is mostly because he relishes over the fact that he is such a magnificent bastard for all the things he did in said novel.

* Tzeentch created [[C.S. Goto|C.S. Multilazor]] to specifically troll Khorne's fluff.

* Tzeentch has planned everything you do, even this. Who knows what this article is distracting you from? Tzeentch does because he's why you're here. Woah! Where do you think you're going? You're leaving, eh? 'Just as planned'...

* Tzeentch didn't write this article. But he set in motion [[Just As Planned|every single event]] that contributed to it. Yes. Even this specific author's decision to write this paragraph.

* And this.

* The one place Tzeentch is afraid to go is the Well of Eternity; he believes that it is the beginning and end of the universe. He was wrong, it is where Sly Marbo lives. To find out what was in there, he sent in expeditions of Lords of Change and Horrors but they never came back out. Finally he just grabbed Kairos Fateweaver, his vizier, and threw him in. Due to lots and lots of [[Just as planned]] Fateweaver survived but was horribly disfigured. Marbo slapped himself for letting that one get away and forced himself to keep doing pushups until a planet the size of Jupiter was split in half as self discipline.

* The [[Warcraft]] and Starcraft franchises' existence are both Tzeentch's doing, he is the one that caused GW to turn down Blizzard's initial offer to make an RTS game. When Fateweaver was interrogated about why Tzeentch did that, the lying head dodged the question and the truth telling one said that there was no reason. Or did it.....

* Created Facebook....regretted it instantly but managed to troll the whole planet by making them buy Oculus Rift, no real logic just to fuck up Oculus's release schedule - It worked just as Planned!

* Contrary to what many would assume, Tzeentch is terrible at RTS games because he can never focus on one goal for a long enough period of time to focus on winning, or least that's the reason he claims why he lost at Supreme Commander to an illiterate [[Ork]] that did nothing but hit random keys the entire game.

* Tzeentch claims that [[Snowflame]] was his doing, arguing who else could be insane enough to create such a character. Slaanesh claims that Tzeentch is lying and that Snowflame is his/her/its doing, but Tzeentch points out that Slaanesh is also a liar, meaning that nobody knows who is lying.

* Tzeentch's realm is guarded by a labyrinth that can only be passed by the mad. It was only defeated once, by a little girl with a small black dog, and even Tzeentch doesn't know how because the guardians refuse to discuss it. This is canon.

* Tzeentch invented Scrappy Doo because he was bored.

* Tzeentch was the first being to create the Death Note. Possibly the one who made the idea of it all and gifted this to the Shinigami themselves.

* Since Tzeentch achieves his goals by having his many plans constantly foil each other and benefiting from the fallout of said foiled plans, this makes him one of the few beings who achieves [[Just As Planned]] as a direct consequence of [[Not as Planned]]. Depending on how you think about it, this means Tzeentch could technically be considered a god of both.

* If the Deceiver and Tzeentch battle and the Deceiver wins Tzeentch actually wins in disguise. and vice versa. and this effect is cumulative. therefore an unending cycle of win or don't win is created there are currently over 9000 such cycles in existence

* Tzeentch has a pet cat that is both [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schr%C3%B6dinger%27s_cat alive and dead].

* Tzeentch can be defeated with the following train of logic.
:* You: So Tzeentch, you are a god of chaos?
:* Tzeentch: Yes.
:* You: So you would say that you are completely unpredictable?
:* Tzeentch: Yes.
:* You: So that means it is predictable that you will be unpredictable?
:* Tzeentch: ...

* Tzeentch is the reason the internet hyperlinks are lue.
* Tzeentch coined the phrase "You activated my trap card".
* Tzeentch created the bug that causes Gandhi to go nuclear in Civilization.
* Greedo shooting first was Tzeentch's doing.
* Tzeentch's favorite Gundam character is Char Aznable, the sheer amount of JUST AS PLANNED that the Red Comet uses put a grin on his face-for a brief moment.
* By virtue of defeating Junko Enoshima, a self-proclaimed follower of Nurgle, Makoto Naegi is unwittingly one of Tzeentch's greatest champions due to being a beacon of Hope. In fact, the Hope's Peak Killing Game, all the events involved in its creation and the subsequent Jabberwock Island Killing Game (and, consequently, numerous events that derive from the aforementioned Killing Games) [[Just as Planned| were all orchestrated by Tzeentch to prove his superiority to Nurgle]] so he could rub it in the latter's face at every chance that he gets.

==See Also==
*[[Thousand Sons]]
*[[Ballad of the Thousand Sons]]
*[[Thousand Son and Guardswoman]]
*[[The Game (Tzeentch)]]
*[[Rubric Marines]]

==Gallery==
{{promotions}}
<center>
<gallery>
Image:Just as planned tzeentch.jpg
Image:Tzeentch_lord_of_change.jpg
Image:Tzeentchies.JPG|Tzeentchs followers
File:A_Typical_Sorceror_of_Tzeentch.jpg|A typical sorcerer of Tzeentch.
File:Tzeentchian Cultists.jpg|Pretty much how his cultists operate.
File:TzeentchianDie.gif|Tzeentch's dice change a lot when rolled.
File:TzeentchPinup.jpg|Even your masturbatory habits are just as planned.
Image:Tzeentch's_True_Form.png|This is speculated to be the true appearance of Tzeentch.
Image:MrTzeentch.jpg|The Avatar of Change.
Image:1ksons pokeymans.JPG| "I choose ''YOU;'' teach them all that Power demands Sacrifice!!"
File:Tzeentch servant.jpg|Different demon, same thing, or is it? Just as planned!
Image:Tzeentch_mark.png|His Mark. Side effects may include growing extra eyes and rambling about the plans.
Image:Sexualyeti_tzeentch_daemonette.png|A daemonette of Tzeentch drawn by SexualYeti.
</gallery>
</center>

{{ChaosGods}}

[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]]
[[Category: Disciples of Tzeentch]]

Tzeentch

2020-08-09T02:36:26Z

2600:1700:19C0:2760:19B:CC5A:80C3:A0E6: Agreed, plus the edit summaries were longer than the bad joke the argument was over, for fuck's sake.

[[File:934501-tzeentch mark.png|center]]
[[File:Tzeentch the Architect of Fate.jpg|500px|thumb|right|Tzeentch thinking to himself: [[Troll|"Hmmm... I wonder what plans I would foil again?"]]]]
{{awesome}}
{{heresy}}
''JUST AS PLANNED... ALWAYS AS PLANNED... NEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHHE... LOL''! - The Word of Tzeentch on just about any Misfortune you encounter

''AN INTERESTING QUESTION, ASSHOLE!'' - Tzeentch responding to the question "What are rules really though?" from [[If The Emperor Had a Text-To-Speech Device]] [https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iVW3HaeVImQ]

{{Topquote|O Fortune, like the moon you are changeable, ever waxing and waning. Hateful life, first oppresses, and then soothes as fancy takes it; poverty, and power it melts them like ice. Fate - monstrous and empty, you whirling wheel, you are malevolent, well-being is in vain and always fades to nothing, ...|Oh Fortuna, from the Carmina Burana}}

{{Topquote|Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible.|Frank Zappa}}

{{Topquote|I can calculate the motion of heavenly bodies, but not the madness of people.|Sir Isaac Newton}}

{{Topquote|Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.|Albert Einstein.}}

==Introduction==
[[Image:Tzeench_political_poster.jpg|thumb|250px|right|Tzeentch has a fetish for birds, as seen by this sorceress getting her bird mutations on in a proper Tzeentchian <s>and weirdly hot</s> fashion. Wait, that's Slaanesh's schtick! Best believe Tzeentch's ass is getting sued.]]
'''Tzeentch''', (pronounced Zeench) also known as '''the Great Conspirator, the Changer of the Ways, the Architect of Fate, Tchar, Chen the Deceiver, Tsien-Tsin, [[H.P. Lovecraft|Nyarlathotep]], the Troll Master, Cheenzh, the Raven God, the Trickster, the Archmage God, the Lord of Nerds, [[/b/]], Emperor Lollercoaster, [[/pol/|International Jewry]], [[If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device|The Indecisive Mollusk]], Master of Madness, Dr. Wizard, Space Obama, the Lord of Social Media, The Monarch of Operating Updates, Terror of Tumblr or Pinterest, Q(Star Trek), The Great Lovecraftian Geek, Joseph Joestar(who is basically Tzeentch as a trolling shonen anime protagonist), Loki, The Cuttlefish of Keikaku, and 9933 other names''' is or is not the [[Chaos God]] of change, curiosity, hard-to-spell names, lies, cunning, Ambition, opportunity, creativity and inventiveness, mutation and evolutionary processes, [[Entropy|'Pure Chaos']], Machiavelli, CEOs, politics, governmental power, manipulation, trolling, the internet, possibly all recorded information, Leadership, social media, any smartphone platform like apple, Supervillain Geniuses, progress, knowledge, magic(and if you wanna spin it [[Psykers|psykers]]), Chess, Lawyers, (despite being the closest Chaos God who matches the profile of a High-Functioning Psychopath) Hope (despite there being [[God-Emperor of Mankind|a contender for God of Hope]]), constant article editing, and massively overlong lists.

In [[Warhammer Fantasy]] he may or may not have already existed before the world like the other Chaos Gods, and the [[Old Ones]] actively tried to prevent [[Daemons]] from ever successfully invading the world by creating the different races of the game in an attempt to find something that could cheese Daemons in every battle until the very Warp Gates that the Old Ones used to come to the planet in the first place collapsed forming miniature [[Eye of Terror|Eyes of Terror]] at the poles of the world (''Just as planned''). He is said to have a fetish for [[Blood Ravens|Ravens]] amongst the [[Warriors of Chaos|Norse]] tribes and Condors amongst [[Warriors of Chaos|Kurgan nomads]]. There's no real picture for Tzeentch since the weird bastard always and never but always changes his appearance every time he sits for his yearbook photo. Some of the more or less memorable appearances have been: an opaline serpent constantly slithering in-place; a no-neck blue greater daemon with a skin pocked with faces that each repeat what the main head just said with different emphasis or tone; a rainbow-hued cloud of mist that speaks by casting echoes off nearby structures without making the original sound; a featureless green-skinned human in an archaic grey suit with the words "NO PICTURE AVAILABLE" suspended in the air where his face would be; and perhaps the most or least prominent, a giant imp with two penises growing out of its head. No, srsly. Unless... he could be Slaane-- {{BLAM|*URGLBURGL*}}

Strangely, Tzeentch was often/rarely/usually attributed to hope in the two settings, despite there being Chaos Gods of Order in Fantasy, and in 40k the [[God-Emperor of Mankind]] serving as The God of Hope in his career even if he never wanted to be worshiped as such. To be fair, there is a difference between hope and order (or is there?). The Chaos Gods embody traits that can be directed for good or evil (how can hope be evil? To invoke Godwin's Law, Hitler hoping his genocide plans would succeed was evil, or as in Pandora's Box where hope prolongs suffering). It is entirely possible or not that what Games Workshop incorrectly called Hope is more or less but more accurately called selfish Ambition, the sort that would drive people to commit Machiavellian backstabbing, because in the grim darkness of the 41st millennium [[God-Emperor of Mankind|actual selfless Hope]] is pretty much [[Nurgle|a rotting corpse]].

He is or isn't typically the second strongest of the Chaos Gods, however he has advantage over Khorne when it comes to IQ, manipulation and leadership. In canon Chaos God vs Chaos God stories he has the largest number of victories and fewest number of defeats. He rarely does things directly and prefers to trick one of the Chaos Gods or their servants into fighting with one another (to the point that one can assume anytime a Chaos God goes to war with another one, he's probably behind it). He got Skarbrand, the then mightiest Bloodthirster, to attack his master. Skarbrand hit with all his strength but only put a chink in Khorne's armor and Khorne got unbelievably, incomprehensibly, all-consumingly pissed and grabbed Skarbrand and threw him so hard that he went sailing in the sky for days before finally crashing into the ground so hard that his wings broke. and whenever Tzeentch gets caught into these antics (most especially by an enraged Khorne) he could simply recite the rules (Yes, Chaos have strange rules) and testify to the circumstances proving that he wasn't responsible. If everyone including the Emperor and the Chaos Gods want to find him guilty for cheating then he will just twist it back to them because he wasn't violating the rules set by the highest authorities in the tabletop: the [[Mod]]s. in other words, Tzeentch is a Cosmic Attorney.

Except that millions of his followers will likely be slaughtered and his faith likely has a new enemy... but Tzeentch, like every Chaos God, is beyond our petty definition of victory and defeat. Which makes the above paragraph idiotically inaccurate, like most of our concepts of reality when the Warp gets involved.
[[File:Tzeentch Old.jpg|thumb|right|400px|The first depiction of Tzeentch in Warhammer art.]]
Once Tzeentch was the strongest of all the Chaos Gods and basically made the Warp his bitch. In 40k this was actually tied to a real world time period now known as a Dark Age of Technology - the golden age of prosperity, '''hope''', '''ambition''', and '''progress''', when Humanity and Eldar, who dominated the Galaxy defeated the diseases and poverty with their sophisticated science and sorcery and waged their wars through emotionless constructs and robots - no wonder Tzeentch was supercharged by these events and the other two gods were at their lowest of the lows. Unfortunately for him, he uncharacteristically didn't plan on the other two Chaos gods agreeing to team up against him and was shattered into countless fragments (it was his crystal staff in the old lore). [[Khaine|Unlike a certain other god]], he was able to put himself back together again, but he's still missing several pieces of himself. In Fantasy those pieces went on to become the first magic, and in 40k they caused a massive burst of powerful psykers being born, which combined with a robot rebellion humans experienced and pleasure cults Eldar went into brought the downfall of both civilizations, effectively ending their golden ages. Although, given the nature of gods, it's possible that the cause-consequence chain was the other way around with a war in the Warp being the representation of two great prosperous empires falling from their grace. [[The Blue Scribes]] are tasked with recollecting these fragments. Tzeentch also claims the Realm of Chamon in the [[Age of Sigmar]]. The [[Slann]] managed to create the Halosphere as a passageway to Tzeentch's lair.

If Tzeentch had a voice actor... Tzeentch would need different ones all the time (or would he?). A good candidate is Aidan “[[A Song of Ice and Fire|Petyr Baelish]]” Gillan, who helpfully can't keep his accent straight for longer than a scene at a time.

==Elf/Eldar Gods==
In 40k, he was ''seemingly'' the only Chaos God who didn't try to intervene when Slaanesh went on his/her/its "just-born" raping and killing spree as far as we know. But Tzeentch seldom works directly, so there's no way to tell for sure.

In Warhammer Fantasy, [[Asuryan]] is something of the Road Runner to his Wile E. Coyote. While Tzeentch's flawless and infinitely intricate plans of dickery seem to culminate with the Warp enveloping the world, something always goes wrong at the last minute and usually the High Elves or an ally of the High Elves are at the center of it. That's because Asuryan also has a plan, one he actually shares with mortal [[High Elves]] who take a vow of silence and become his monks. Asuryan's plan is NOT flawless however, and culminates in one giant last battle with a 50% chance of success or fail on his behalf between "good" (Order) and "evil" (Destruction). The outcome of that battle will decide if the Chaos Gods win or lose once and for all. Apparently, dragons will go extinct either way though. It turns out that his plan [[The End Times|didn't work out]].
Tzeentch also has direct relations with [[Morai-Heg]] who is a goddess of prophesy who can actively change fate at her will. Morai-Heg is a True Neutral kind of being who fucks with everyone's plans in ways that end up with them indebted to her one way or another. Usually because she manipulates things in a way to force you to come to her to undo the change she already made (you don't know she did this in the first place) and make a third result, which someone else probably asked for due to a change someone else made and...well, let's just summarize it as "''Everyone's plans are all going according to plan''".

==[[Just as planned]]...==
Tzeentch will always be '''at least''' three steps ahead of you; he out-dicks [[Eldrad]], [[Cegorach|The Laughing God]], both [[Sigmar|God]] [[God-Emperor of Mankind|Emprahs]] (though just barely in regard to the second one...a fact he likes), and the [[C'tan|Deceiver]] hands down. Just an example: He tricked [[Slaanesh]] into provoking [[Khorne]], a fight she promptly lost. Why did he do it? He did it for fun...and as a favor for a friend.

Just [[The Game (Tzeentch)|don’t mention]] [[Creed]] around him...or Kitten.

In Warhammer Fantasy, he's notable for never really doing much of anything really (except trapping [[Sigmar]] for years in the Wind of Heaven until Vortex on [[Ulthuan]] is destroyed and the Wind, under Sigmar's direction, enters the body of Emperor [[Karl Franz]] after his death.) His champions either have magical powers or limited ability to see and manipulate the future. Some just follow more charismatic champions of other Chaos Gods into battle, although when that champion inevitably falls Tzeentch's almost always survive to mutate another day. The setting's China equivalent, [[Cathay]], has wizards actively stealing Tzeentch's magic and using its effects to affect the world with greater power than normal magic can. They do this entirely without worshiping him or suffering Chaos mutations or taint (according to the fluff, they do worship Tzeentch, they just know him by another name and don't know his true nature... this is most likely a reference to Daoism and ''Yi Jing'', the Book of Change). Clearly Tzeentch mostly just focuses on 40k while the other three Chaos Gods play two tables at once (or maybe Tzeentch is lulling the Cathayans into a false sense of security...).

The funny thing is, Tzeentch's plots will never come to true fruition. They just go on and on, forever and ever, twisted and tangled for the sheer joy of it with no end goal or even a purpose behind them. Tzeentch is a god of ''chaos'', and a plan satisfied, tied up, finished, is a plan that has left his purview. There is no victory, no defeat, no end. Ends are stagnation, [[Nurgle|the opposite of all he represents]]. [[Games Workshop|There will only be the endless clatter of dice in]] [[Warhammer 40K|the mad, cruel games the gods play with the fates and souls of men]]. Rolled without end, amen. In this sense, Tzeentch truly is the Chaos God of hope because he will never allow Chaos to defeat the mortal plane if he can- at least, not if it doesn't lead to further changes. While most everyone else plays to win, Tzeentch plays for fun, for as long as he can. In older fluff, Tzeentch was also the Chaos God of magic and intellect, so if anyone wanted Tzeentch to win, they just had to make a clever plan that would further Tzeentch's goals and pull it off, increase the amount of magic in the world or become a wizard (so technically everytime a [[Storm of Magic|Storm of Magic]] happens would be a victory for Tzeentch), [[Matt Ward|though GW has downplayed that aspect of him]], or maybe he's just trying to appear more menacing, who knows.

Possibly the god of "I meant to do that", "I was just pretending to be retarded," and "we can still make this work...".

==Followers==
Tzeentch's followers tend to be Librarians/wizards, Sorcerers, nerds, psykers/magical beings, unstable mutants, and red-nosed misfits, but instead of [[Nurgle]]'s "I love you just for who you are," Tzeentch encourages his followers to [[/tg/|revel in what makes them dweeb outcasts]] and go even further, constantly finding new ways to push limits and try things out just because they can. It's not enough that you've made this former Guardsman loyal, harder and better, faster and stronger, you could also fit another three arms on the guy, and if you added a head on his pelvis he would never be surprised, and he can't talk anymore so why not replace his larynx with a flamer sac? [[Chaos Spawn|Whereas other Chaos Gods accidentally pour too much love into their subjects]] (Slaanesh quite literally), Tzeentch does it on purpose because he actually knows what he's doing when he does so.

* Tzeentch Daemons are:
** '''Pink Horrors''': Ever-shifting gleeful balls of psychic rape. Really powerful ones are Heralds of Tzeentch. Courtesy of sixth edition 40k, these guys are now brotherhood of sorcerers, and a blob of 16 or more horrors can cast 3 spells per turn, and since they're daemons of Tzeentch they test on Ld10. Unfortunately, all the powers they have are '''FUN*'''. 8th edition Fantasy sees them as a blob of level 1 wizards who can't miscast, which are fun due to the randomness of them but aren't really competitive. The best-known of these is a being called the Changeling, who has the ability to transform into any being it wants, usually for the purposes of wreaking havoc behind enemy lines (although it has also been known to do so for pulling pranks as well, like planting Nurglings on the Skull Throne just as Khorne is about to sit down or cutting Slaanesh's hair while he/she/it sleeps). Apparently it's changed its form so many times it doesn't even remember what it originally used to look like.
** '''Blue Horrors''': When you kill a pink horror, it splits into 2 tiny, manic-depressive blue horrors. In 40k it just means your pink horrors hit back at S2 every time you kill one in close combat, which is kind of useless. Why are your horrors in close combat anyway? The Fantasy version of them are summonables that enter onto the field when the magic lore of Tzeentch sees a spell casted very well (since your Pink Horrors cannot miscast, throwing a fuckload of dice into a spell to produce more Blue Horrors is nifty). They're pretty weak though anyway, which is what keeps full Tzeentch armies from really being viable. A particularly notable pair of Blue Horrors are P'tarix and Xirat'p, also known as [[The_Blue_Scribes | Blue Scribes]]. Tzeentch sent them out to catalog every single magic spell in reality, knowing that they weren't smart enough to know how easily abused the power of said spells might be. Finally fixed in Age of Sigmar as they're now just weaker pink horrors that you place two when a pink horror dies.
*** '''Brimstone Horrors''': Also known as Yellow Horrors. Recently added in Age of Sigmar and 40k, oddly never mention until now since three is a running theme for Tzeentch. When a Blue Horror dies they turn into a pair of angry little fire daemons.
** '''Flamers''': like Horrors but less limb-y and way more mouths to breathe fire with. Also, this fire is S4 AP4. If you inflict wounds on a unit they have to take a toughness test, and if they fail they suffer D3 wounds with no saves allowed. On the other hand, if they pass the toughness test [[FAIL|they get feel no pain (6+) which can stack if they keep passing.]]. They're the main Daemon ranged option in Warhammer Fantasy, although they're pretty close range. Best used to shotgun an enemy right in the flank while it's engaged with something from one of the other Chaos Gods in melee. ''Just as planned'', right there in the crunch.
** '''Screamers of Tzeentch''': the Tzeentchian notion of cavalry; levitating manta rays with buzzsaw fins. Also melta-teeth for some reason. In Fantasy they function as chaff by harassing units and weakening them (with great luck killing something important like a mage) or [[DISTRACTION_CARNIFEX |forcing them to devote a turn killing them and thus leaving that unit open to whatever other Daemons you brought]].
***'''Jet Screamers''': screamers that are really fast, Gold colored, and capable of shooting magic missles, and can teleport limited distances...so basically space cliffracers, (though the don't make any annoying sounds, every 5 seconds). very rarely seen, (tzeentch reserves them from combating other chaos gods), and those who see them even more rarely come out intact.
** '''Burning Chariots of Tzeentch''': One-man vehicles for heralds of Tzeentch or Exalted Flamers, which are like flamers but... exalted. In 40k this is where the AP2 Tzeentch Flame attack went after Flamers got a buff (but it's assault D3, for optimal '''FUN*''', and it also has a S5 AP3 torrent attack. These both follow the same warpflame rules as flamers do, but they also won't be leaving so many survivors so it's not as big a deal. Fantasy sees them as the surprise buttsecks machine, once again tearing through an enemy that's engaged with something else. Like Tzeentch's architectural styles though it's a glass cannon that WILL break if damn near anything short of an anemic [[Bretonnia|Bretonnian]] peasant orphan with a cold attacks it.
** '''[[Lord of Change|Lords of Change]]''': huge birdlike sorcerers that look like a [[Furry|werewolf's in-between state, only it's a werevulture-snake-velociraptor...thing]] (So, a Skeksis from Dark Crystal?). They have the power to predict the future at any given time so they're almost invincible, unless Tzeentch wants them to die, which going by all the times Tzeentchian Chaos Daemon and Thousand Sons armies lose, happens surprisingly often. They're the best non-named spellcaster available to Daemons in Fantasy. Chief among their number is Tzeentch's right-hand daemon Kairos Fateweaver, who was gifted the ability to know everything that will ever happen (along with a second head). It's said that he knows the answers to all questions, but if you ask him, [[Troll|both heads give contradicting answers, with no way of knowing which head is telling the truth]], just [http://www.wobblymodelsyndrome.com/comic-80.html Don't ask him his name]. (Then again, there's nothing saying it's the same one lying every time.)
* Tzeentch's Chaos Marines come with an [[Thousand Sons|Egyptian motif]], and plenty of psykers and Sorcerers. Aside from that Tzeentchian marines are usually warband leaders, their advisors or prominent ambitious champions wishing to become one. Many of them hold their dedication to the Architect in secret, if only to keep their advantage of god's favor over other marines - ambition after all is the big deal for them. Fully Tzeentchian warbands do exist, but they are usually comprised of either complete madman who hear voices, see futures, hear all the lies in the world (simultaneously), can shape-shift or mutate at will or have some other mind-blowing (sometimes literally) "gifts" from the Architect, or body-less drones commanded by extremely powerfull mages, and a few elite commandos armed with psychicly reloading flame bolters (he values quality over quantity). It helps that Tzeentch is likely based on the Ancient Egyptian god Thoth. (also known as Jehuty who has been called a death god by some...)
* Tzeentch's [[Warriors of Chaos|viking followers]] are usually the outcasts and elders of the tribes of the Norsemen rather than being a united group. They like to rock the "evil wizard" look with hooded cloaks and sacrificial daggers to compliment their tentacles and 3 faces on one head.
* He is also worshipped by the [[Cathay]] as their state religion.
*In AoS, his mortal worshippers are the [[Tzeentch Arcanite]]s. They hide in the cities of Sigmar and Order, slowly amassing power and influence, before rising up in a spectacular display of both Just as Planned and fiery mutated goodness.

==Facts==
*Sly Marbo is the only person that Tzeench cannot control. That and Creed, that sneaky fucker, who is currently holding a gun to my {{BLAM}}.

* The name Tzeentch was originally going to be "Thence" of Change (which is a six letter anagram of Tzeentch) the TZ was latter added and the name reworked at the suggestion of [[John Blanche]] returning from holiday in Tanzania, where he saw a blue feathered bird performing tricks at the request of a tribal priest named Tuz Tuz.

* Tzeentch is likely inspired by the Ancient Egyptian god Thoth. Thoth was the bird-headed god of writing, science and magic; remember what Tzeentch's Greater Daemons look like.

* Tzeentch explained Chaos to a group of mathematicians. The ones who didn't go insane or start worshipping him came up with Chaos Theory.

* Tzeentch's favorite author changes from time to time. Some of his recurring favorites are Niccolo Machiavelli, Charles Darwin and Michael Crichton.

* A little-known fact: Tzeentch is anon.

* Tzeentch was responsible for the Great Depression and the 2008 financial crisis. Also, the First Gulf War? That was him too.

* Tzeentch does it for the lulz.

* Tzeentch is surprizingly good friends with Doomguy, due to the fact that doomguy thinks most of his plans are hilarious, and he follows him...also for the lulz. (he got bored of "cleaning out" the citadel of brass every day and wanted a change).

* You know when your first puppy died? <s>Tzeentch did that too</s> it might have been slannesh.

* Tzeentch (much like [[Sly Marbo]]) knows and sees everything; thusly, he sees you masturbate and knows what fantasies you're having. And he laughs at you (again, much like [[Sly Marbo]]).
** Slannesh used to pay him “good money,” to tell you what you masturbate to, but an "agreement" with khorne made him stop accepting bribes. (he only took it because DoomGuy told him it would further Their plans).
* Khorne is Tzeentch's favorite victim for hijinks because of an incident involving DoomGuy’s friend Valen’s son being turned into a meat puppet for his and the C'tan's [[Doom|earth invasion plan]]. the fact that Khorne is very easy to string along is a good bonus.

* Slaanesh is Tzeentch's second favorite victim for his hijinks, because Slaanesh's desire for a new high makes him/her/it very easy to string along, and also because it makes khorne laugh.

* Starscream is a servant of Tzeentch; he's got a huge amount of ambition. Too bad that Tzeentch won't let him succeed until he actually forms a plan instead of just saying "I am the new leader!" if Megatron so much as sneezes.

* Tzeentch is the god of hope among other things, yet he's a lot less friendly than the god of despair. Probably because most every being in the universe has had their fair share of despair and has learned to cope with it, while hope tends to show up just before you get ground into the dirt again. When the Despair-god comes knocking, you open a bottle and sigh, when the hope god shows up, you immediately wonder how you're going to get raped this time.

* Tzeentch has only ever truly lost to two beings: Creed and a [[If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device|little kitten wearing a silver banana armour]].

* Tzeentch is a very morky god due to the fact he could set in motion a string of events that could lead to a lasgun in the back of the head when you aren't looking.

* Tzeentch is the <s>only</s> First contestant to ever be banned from entering Deal or No Deal after winning $1,000,000 9 times in a row.

* During their early days, Tzeentch once put on a magic show for the 3 other Chaos gods. Among the 3, Khorne asked Tzeentch how he made Nurgle's Plaguefather disappear and reappear beside Slaanesh before their very eyes, which Tzeentch refused to tell and responded with "A good magician never reveals his tricks.", which caused Khorne to burn with unfathomable rage. <s>To this day</s> for over 50,000 years, Khorne had extremely low tolerance for magic users and psykers, which became evident when the [[World Eaters]] killed all their Psykers when they defected to Chaos. Like always, Tzeentch just said "Just as planned".
**Khorne has accutally relaxed this tendency after watching one of Tzeentch's chosen warriors [[awesome|light his sword on fire with his psychic powers]]. the fact that said warrior was DoomGuy may have helped a bit...he still hates Zaraphiston though.

* Tzeentch is slightly pissed over the fact how his only representation in DoW are the Pink Horror daemons and the Chaos Sorcerer, unlike Khorne who gets Berzerkers, Chaos Marines chant "Skulls for the Skull Throne!" on attack and how he got an epic unit, the "Bloodthirster" and the fact that he has two Chaos Lords dedicated to him and the fact that his legion shows up in Winter Assault as one of the primary opponents, Khorne then goes on to get Bloodletters, Bloodcrushers, The Chaos Lord, who is the best damn commander in the game (though the Warboss has funnier dialogue) in DoW II, while in contrast, he's stuck with the sorcerer and his marines aren't even Rubrics. Still, better than Slaanesh, who only ever got the Emperor's Children default color scheme throughout the entire series. But now Slaanesh is getting Noise Marines in Retribution, which are sorta like SM Plasma Cannon Devastators. All Tzeentch gets are marks for certain units, which turns everyone of them into tank/infantry raping death machines, especially the generic marines.

* However, in DOWII, Tzeentch is still reveling in the fact how he got [[Scott McNeil]] to voice the generic Chaos sorcerers again. '''HOWEVER!!!''', the Sorcerer's voice then became more soft, monotonous and unenthusiastic, which '''GREATLY''' angered Tzeentch.

* Tzeentch appears to be GW's least favorite of the Chaos Gods, his units tend to be the worst out of the four chaos gods, his stuff gets the least amount of attention, and the least amount of fluff written for him. Hell, there's often cases where despite magic/psykic powers being his specialty, Nurgle and/or Slaanesh give a better selection than he does. (Except for Age of Sigmar, where he's really good.) Arguably not true since 8th given how often Arhiman is used in Chaos armies and Magnus being the best of the Primarchs currently out.

* Some people play chess with reality and manipulate events and people like chess pieces, others play pool/billiards with it, moving things along like a cue ball and cue stick, others play poker with the universe, bluffing and cajoling things to receive favorable outcomes, other play roulette with the cosmos, making all the little movements needed for that lucky roll. But Tzeentch, Tzeentch does it all at once in the nightmarish game of [[Paradox poker|Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker]], or PBVRFDHCSP a game that only a true master of dickery and the ability to perceive the past, future, and present can really play without looking like a massive tool.

* Every Saturday night, Tzeentch gets together with the [[C'tan|the Deceiver]], [[Cegorach]], and the [[Emperor]] for a rousing game of [[Paradox Poker|Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker]]. The sheer amount of dickery and [[JUST AS PLANNED]] that goes on during these games is so vast that if you were to watch one of these games, your head would 'asplode into a shower of [[Necrons]], [[Daemon|Daemons]], [[Eldar]], and [[Space Marine|SPESS MEHREENS!]]. Even Khorne is afraid to watch one of these games for fear of his head's un...asplodedness... Nobody ever wins though, (mainly because the Emperor take too long on his turns). Creed was banned from these tournaments after infiltrating queens into the games and somehow rigging the roulette tables beforehand one too many times.

* Tzeentch's favorite characters in Mortal Kombat are Quan Chi, Shinnok and Shang Tsung. Though Tzeentch favors Quan Chi more than the other two due to him being (arguably) the most manipulative bastard in all of Mortal Kombat. Hell, he is mostly responsible for almost all the events that happened. In fact, Quan Chi is considered the most untrustworthy character in all of Mortal Kombat considering that he has chronic backstabbing disorder, constantly lies and never fulfills his promises.

* Tzeentch's favorite Black Library novel is "A Thousand Sons". This is mostly because he relishes over the fact that he is such a magnificent bastard for all the things he did in said novel.

* Tzeentch created [[C.S. Goto|C.S. Multilazor]] to specifically troll Khorne's fluff.

* Tzeentch has planned everything you do, even this. Who knows what this article is distracting you from? Tzeentch does because he's why you're here. Woah! Where do you think you're going? You're leaving, eh? 'Just as planned'...

* Tzeentch didn't write this article. But he set in motion [[Just As Planned|every single event]] that contributed to it. Yes. Even this specific author's decision to write this paragraph.

* And this.

* The one place Tzeentch is afraid to go is the Well of Eternity; he believes that it is the beginning and end of the universe. He was wrong, it is where Sly Marbo lives. To find out what was in there, he sent in expeditions of Lords of Change and Horrors but they never came back out. Finally he just grabbed Kairos Fateweaver, his vizier, and threw him in. Due to lots and lots of [[Just as planned]] Fateweaver survived but was horribly disfigured. Marbo slapped himself for letting that one get away and forced himself to keep doing pushups until a planet the size of Jupiter was split in half as self discipline.

* The [[Warcraft]] and Starcraft franchises' existence are both Tzeentch's doing, he is the one that caused GW to turn down Blizzard's initial offer to make an RTS game. When Fateweaver was interrogated about why Tzeentch did that, the lying head dodged the question and the truth telling one said that there was no reason. Or did it.....

* Created Facebook....regretted it instantly but managed to troll the whole planet by making them buy Oculus Rift, no real logic just to fuck up Oculus's release schedule - It worked just as Planned!

* Contrary to what many would assume, Tzeentch is terrible at RTS games because he can never focus on one goal for a long enough period of time to focus on winning, or least that's the reason he claims why he lost at Supreme Commander to an illiterate [[Ork]] that did nothing but hit random keys the entire game.

* Tzeentch claims that [[Snowflame]] was his doing, arguing who else could be insane enough to create such a character. Slaanesh claims that Tzeentch is lying and that Snowflame is his/her/its doing, but Tzeentch points out that Slaanesh is also a liar, meaning that nobody knows who is lying.

* Tzeentch's realm is guarded by a labyrinth that can only be passed by the mad. It was only defeated once, by a little girl with a small black dog, and even Tzeentch doesn't know how because the guardians refuse to discuss it. This is canon.

* Tzeentch invented Scrappy Doo because he was bored.

* Tzeentch was the first being to create the Death Note. Possibly the one who made the idea of it all and gifted this to the Shinigami themselves.

* Since Tzeentch achieves his goals by having his many plans constantly foil each other and benefiting from the fallout of said foiled plans, this makes him one of the few beings who achieves [[Just As Planned]] as a direct consequence of [[Not as Planned]]. Depending on how you think about it, this means Tzeentch could technically be considered a god of both.

* If the Deceiver and Tzeentch battle and the Deceiver wins Tzeentch actually wins in disguise. and vice versa. and this effect is cumulative. therefore an unending cycle of win or don't win is created there are currently over 9000 such cycles in existence

* Tzeentch has a pet cat that is both [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schr%C3%B6dinger%27s_cat alive and dead].

* Tzeentch can be defeated with the following train of logic.
:* You: So Tzeentch, you are a god of chaos?
:* Tzeentch: Yes.
:* You: So you would say that you are completely unpredictable?
:* Tzeentch: Yes.
:* You: So that means it is predictable that you will be unpredictable?
:* Tzeentch: ...

* Tzeentch is the reason the internet hyperlinks are lue.
* Tzeentch coined the phrase "You activated my trap card".
* Tzeentch created the bug that causes Gandhi to go nuclear in Civilization.
* Greedo shooting first was Tzeentch's doing.
* Tzeentch's favorite Gundam character is Char Aznable, the sheer amount of JUST AS PLANNED that the Red Comet uses put a grin on his face-for a brief moment.
* By virtue of defeating Junko Enoshima, a self-proclaimed follower of Nurgle, Makoto Naegi is unwittingly one of Tzeentch's greatest champions due to being a beacon of Hope. In fact, the Hope's Peak Killing Game, all the events involved in its creation and the subsequent Jabberwock Island Killing Game (and, consequently, numerous events that derive from the aforementioned Killing Games) [[Just as Planned| were all orchestrated by Tzeentch to prove his superiority to Nurgle]] so he could rub it in the latter's face at every chance that he gets.

==See Also==
*[[Thousand Sons]]
*[[Ballad of the Thousand Sons]]
*[[Thousand Son and Guardswoman]]
*[[The Game (Tzeentch)]]
*[[Rubric Marines]]

==Gallery==
{{promotions}}
<center>
<gallery>
Image:Just as planned tzeentch.jpg
Image:Tzeentch_lord_of_change.jpg
Image:Tzeentchies.JPG|Tzeentchs followers
File:A_Typical_Sorceror_of_Tzeentch.jpg|A typical sorcerer of Tzeentch.
File:Tzeentchian Cultists.jpg|Pretty much how his cultists operate.
File:TzeentchianDie.gif|Tzeentch's dice change a lot when rolled.
File:TzeentchPinup.jpg|Even your masturbatory habits are just as planned.
Image:Tzeentch's_True_Form.png|This is speculated to be the true appearance of Tzeentch.
Image:MrTzeentch.jpg|The Avatar of Change.
Image:1ksons pokeymans.JPG| "I choose ''YOU;'' teach them all that Power demands Sacrifice!!"
File:Tzeentch servant.jpg|Different demon, same thing, or is it? Just as planned!
Image:Tzeentch_mark.png|His Mark. Side effects may include growing extra eyes and rambling about the plans.
Image:Sexualyeti_tzeentch_daemonette.png|A daemonette of Tzeentch drawn by SexualYeti.
</gallery>
</center>

{{ChaosGods}}

[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]]
[[Category: Disciples of Tzeentch]]

Blam

2020-08-09T02:26:58Z

2600:1700:19C0:2760:19B:CC5A:80C3:A0E6:

[[Category:Meme]]

[[Image:Commissar_NO.jpg|center]]

The '''BLAM''' Technique is an onomatopoeia for a gunshot, and is what /tg/ calls the ability of an Imperial Guard [[Commissar]] to execute anyone he ([[Severina Raine|or she]]) finds guilty of '''[[HERESY]]''' (and GW had to specifically say in errata that he will not [[Just as Planned|execute himself]]). It is most often used by editors who search Imperium-related pages for "heretical" edits, cross them out, and edit in '''BLAM!!'''. It is also used as shorthand for said executions (as a verb), or for similar executions in a non-40k context. Also acceptable is '''FWIP''', the onomatopoeia for firing an arrow for settings without guns, or where they are a rarity. Occasionally you see orks perform a '''BLAM''' with green text after words explaining why they did so, all such blams are assumed to have actually been [[MOAR DAKKA|multiple blams]], in the spirit of [[Dakka]], and on rarer occasions, Kroot will as well. T'au pages sometimes utilize it as well, but with substantially lower amounts of blam, and a case of Eldar blam exists on the [[Warhammer_40,000/Tactics/Eldar(8E)|8th edition tactics page]].

[[File:Empire Archer.jpg|300px|thumb|center| <s>The vulture cult is no more!</s> {{FWIP}} {{FWIP|that's a pheasant you Poacher!}}]]

'''Example:'''

<s>[[Pauldron|PAULDRONS ARE STUPID]]</s> {{BLAM}} {{BLAM|Heresy!}}

<s>[[Vostroyan Firstborn|MUSTACHES ARE FOR PUSSIES]]</s> {{FWIP}} {{FWIP|Heresy!}}

<s>[[Dakka|DAKKA IS DUMB]]</s> {{BLAM}} '''OI I DON'T KNOW WOT YA GITZ ARE ON ABOUT BUT YA HATE THE DAKKA YOU GET THE DAKKA!!!'''

<s>The Kroot will clean this mess! '''*Snarl*''' </s> {{BLAM|'''*BLAM*'''Alright, who let the damn Kroot fanboys in here!?}}

<s> Stupid Mon'keigh. You wonder why we think so little of you</s> {{BLAM|'''*BLAM*''' What the hell is this, 7th edition?! Fuck you xenos!}}

<s>HERESY IS SHIT!</s> {{BLAM}} {{bLAM|Here-}} <s>Oh shit. Probably shouldn't have shot him.</s> {{BLAM}} {{bLAM|Excecuting loyal commissars is HERESY!}} {{BLAM}} {{BLAM|Executing even traitor Commissars is HERESY!}} {{BLAM}} {{BLAM|What did we just say about excecuting Commissars!}}{{BLAM}} -[https://youtu.be/d0BuKYiwhVQ?t=368 ad infinitum]

==See Also==

[[:Template:BLAM]]
[[:Template:FWIP]]

Chess

2020-08-09T02:22:19Z

2600:1700:19C0:2760:19B:CC5A:80C3:A0E6: /* How to suck at chess */

:''"They say it's the game of kings. That chess teaches one to think strategically. What a load of rubbish! Both sides have identical pieces, the rules stay invariably the same. How does this mirror real life?"''
[[Image:Chessblackarmy.jpg|thumb|Chess, yes it IS this exciting.]]
:--Radovid, on why chess completely fucking fails as a wargame.

The most famous tabletop game in all of human history, though according to /tg/, '''chess''' is just a cheap western knockoff of the ancient Chinese game of <strike>[[go]]</strike> ''Wei Qi'' (despite the version used in Western society being invented in India). Despite its rampant popularity and how it is associated with geniuses, it is obvious it fails in every way to simulate war, tactics, combat or anything else it has been hyped over for centuries about. Common complaints include the lack of army list and deployment options, the Knight's plain weird movement and the fact that the King is both the most important piece and completely useless (though that could just be a political statement).

==Rules==
;Basic rules
* Two players play this game.
* [[Image:Checkmate.png|thumb|<del>[[Just as planned]]</del>. [[Derp|That's not even a legal move!]]]]The players' goal is to <strike>kill the King of the opponent</strike> put the opposition King in a situation that would result in his death next turn, without a way to escape. This is called a checkmate; the Persian "Shāh Māt" literally means "The king is dead" with some changes in Arabic. If the king is threatened, we call it check and - because of the Brutality Rule (below) (and because you would immediately lose after it) - you cannot allow him to be killed. You have to:
** move the King away,
** get a piece of your own between the King and the piece threatening to provide cover or
** capture the attacker piece.
*If you can't do any of these, the death of the King is inevitable; you lose.
* If a King is dead, his troops will surrender IMMEDIATELY. If you expose your king but you can kill the enemy king in the next move (such as by placing your own king within striking range of the enemy one), you still lose (and thus, are not allowed to expose him in the first place, because of the Rule of Brutality).
* You can also lose when you resign, or if you run out of time (on a timed game, usually professional games). If neither player has enough resources to kill the enemy King, or if both players agree to this, the game ends in a tie. Stalemate also ends the game in a tie, look below.
* The game doesn't encourage passive play, if the same position is repeated three times or if 50 turns pass without moving a pawn or killing anyone, there is no progress made and both players are allowed (not forced) to claim a tie.

;The arena
The battlefield is an 8 by 8 board, the columns (files) marked with letters, the rows (ranks) with numbers so that the squares can be referenced easily (with [[Main Page|d4]] or similarly). The board is checkered, h1 is white.

The game is played in turns, one turn is the period of time between (for example) before white's move to after black's next move.

;Brutality rule
Even pre-teen kids play this game, so no actual killing is ever shown. The game ends if a king is threatened with inevitable "capture". So, it's against the rules to expose your king (for example, by moving a piece previously granting cover to the king (think of it as if the piece was pinned down) or moving the king to a threatened square) because the opponent could kill the king. (These moves would only be good for losing anyway.) Also, when killing any other pieces, it's officially called capturing them.
However, throughout history, and in military philosophy, it is generally considered that if one can get their opponent to surrender and said opponent can't gain anything from surrendering beyond what the winner sees fit, that is better and more productive than a fight, which is risky and whose resources could be better spent elsewhere. Today is the logic behind military cyber attacks followed up by an email, for example, letting opponents know their system has been compromised.

;Combat system
In this game, initiative is key because there ''aren't'' tons of hit points granted for every piece. If your piece attacks first, even a pawn can kill the enemy queen, because everyone has only a single wound. Everyone is always surprised (apparently they don't really want to fight and are forced to by the king) so if it's your turn, you can capture any piece you threaten. You can't attack pieces through cover (except with the Knight). You can't move without attacking (except with the pawn) but you can attack empty squares too (again, except with the pawn). If you attack either an empty square or an enemy piece, you'll win the fight and you must move the attacking piece to the attacked square. This move is compulsory, you cannot decide not to. You can't attack your own piece, even when they provide cover for the enemy, we aren't [[skaven|savages]] here. Quite easy and streamlined, eh? Guess it reminds you of [[4e|something]]...

=== The Pieces ===
[[Image:Chessmechs.jpg|center|640px]]
Unlike similar games, you don't get to assemble your battleforce. It is probably because the field is rather small (40' by 40'), and both players have 16 pieces. So the starting force is the same for both players (an approximately 38-point army).

'''King:''' {WARBOSS} <big>♔ ♚</big> One of the weakest individual pieces, he is on the battlefield to give the army a morale bonus to fight indefinitely. If one interprets each turn as perpetual fighting and movement, they drug their troops. But in the context of classical warfare, the turn might represent an entire year, where warfare meant a lot of standing around waiting and little bursts of conflict. He can attack all the squares around him like any basic D&D characters. He isn't worth any points but you must field one to play, and he is subject to the Brutality rule as outlined above.

'''Rook:''' {TRUKK} <big>♖ ♜</big> You have two of these powerful pieces. They are basically castles with cannons on them so they can attack everything in the row and column they are on(but watch out, Cover rules apply for them too). Just like everyone else, they can only attack once per turn. Funnily enough, they too have to move to the square they attacked. Capable of "Castling," a complex maneuver outlined below. They are said to be worth 5 points.

'''Bishop:''' {MEKBOYZ} <big>♗ ♝</big> People will tell you that they have similar powers to the Rook. Don't believe them! Basically, they can do everything the Rook can, but only diagonally, which means that half of the battlefield is simply as unreachable as another continent. This is why you get two of them, one for the white squares, and another for the black. Due to this limitation, they are considered worth less than the Rooks at 3 points.

'''Queen:''' {BOSS} <big>♕ ♛</big> This is easy. She gets to do everything the Rook AND the Bishop can. She is the strongest piece in your army, she '''''really''''' doesn't get [[-4 STR]]. Tournament rules only permit fielding one Queen per army, but an army can airdrop the equipment to turn a Pawn into another Queen as reinforcements in the late game if they can get far enough into enemy territory. The Queen became a powerful piece when the game came to Europe, back in India she and the king were almost equally incompetent with the Queen being slightly better. Today, the Queen is globally accepted as the most powerful single piece on the board, but because pieces insta-die if attacked this also means you have to be very cautious when playing her. Point value is 9, and worth every one.

'''Knight:''' {DEFFCOPTAS} <big>♘ ♞</big> This is the most controversial piece of the Chess army. People will tell you that it's difficult to keep in mind how they can attack. Lies! It's very easy: a Knight is basically a character with a reach weapon. He can't attack squares next to him and he can attack all the squares 10 feet of him, except the ones which the Queen would be able to (most likely balance reasons, and everything about chess is a giant commentary on feudal hierarchy, i.e., the Queen<the Knight). This leaves 8 targetable squares, arranged in L-shapes around him. He is also the only piece able to attack pieces behind cover. Still, for their limited range and mobility, the are considered as valuable as a bishop unit at 3 points.

'''Pawn:''' {BOYZ}<big>♙ ♟</big> The backbone of your army. You've got 8 of them, and they can move only forward one step in a turn. If they haven't moved or attacked yet, they can move two squares to give them a head start. However, unlike most pieces, they can't attack forward, only diagonally, forward-left or forward-right, and they can't attack empty squares. They seem quite weak and indeed, they are the unit against which others are measured, being worth only a single point, but this changes when they reach the opponent's end of the battlefield. When they are there, they don't become unusable, they get special powers instead: They will become a queen, a rook, a bishop or a knight (your choice). No you cannot make your pawn into another king, as much sense as it would make to have a backup (or not, given that doubling your opponent's chances for a checkmate or Brutality rule shenanigans is effin' stupid). This doesn't even take a turn, at the moment they reach the end of the battlefield, you can switch the pieces. In professional play, the arbiter can provide you with the extra piece, in casual play, you can just use counters. If your opponent claims that you can only use previously captured pieces, either he lies or I do right now, and it's not a bad idea to just agree on this sort of thing in advance. Pawns also have a special skill called "En passant", which you can use when one of your Pawns stands on any square of the fourth line from your enemy's view and one of his Pawns tries crossing a square that your Pawn could attack (i.e. the enemy Pawn doing the aforementioned 2-square move). When using the skill, your Pawn moves to that attackable square while killing the enemy Pawn who was trying to sneak across.

=== Army setup ===
[[Image:Chess_algebraic_notation.png|right]]
White can field pieces from a1 to h2, black from h8 to a7. Each army is built with 38 points + one "King" command unit. Flexibility was sacrificed for the sake of game balance, so both armies must deploy the same units in a strict predefined formation. This is enforced even outside tournament matches; almost all chess players will refuse to play if you don't assemble and deploy your 38-point army in this manner.

* You place the King and the Queen to the middle of the row closest to the players: Queens d1 and d8, Kings e1 and e8.
* Next to them (c1, g1, c8, g8) come the bishops, then the knights and finally the rooks.
* The second row (a-h 2 and a-h 7) is filled with the 8 pawns of the players.

== The gameplay ==

* First both players roll a die. Whoever rolled higher rejoices; white starts (unless you're Napoleon). The players take turns after each other to play.
* To maximize tactical combat, you and your opponent can use only one piece in a turn, unlike games where you move all of them in the same turn.
* In your turn, you have to attack (or move) with a piece. You can't pass. After all, this battle is lead by The King Himself, we can't just do nothing!
* If you can't move but your King isn't threatened right now, the game ends in a tie. This is called a stalemate and is often the refuge of the inferior side in the endgame.

=== Special rules ===

;En Passant
The foreign name is because this is a stupid rule from a previous edition buried right at the back where nobody reads it. It's clearly an attempt by chess's authors to imitate D&D's "attack of opportunity," proving that chess is really just a bad knock-off of 4th edition D&D. If an enemy pawn moves two squares on its first move, and it arrives right next to (1 step to the left or the right) a pawn of yours, you can take it as if it only moved 1 square; the pawn is moved into the square the enemy pawn moved over (ie, where it would be if it had only moved one square) and the enemy pawn removed. This is the only way to take a piece in chess without ever occupying the same square as it. Absolutely nobody knows this rule exists the first time they encounter it; in fact, one of the biggest challenges in writing grandmaster-level chess programs is programming them to argue for half an hour that you can't do that with a pawn.

;Castling
If you think that your King is too exposed, you can "castle" him by moving the King two squares toward the Rook you want to use for this maneuver, and immediately placing the castle to the far side of the king. This is a very unrealistic representation of the king retreating to his castle, since there have been approximately zero real-life battles where a king hid behind a castle and the castle responded by wandering off and killing two knights and a member of the enemy clergy. It only takes one turn and thus, is a really powerful move, as no other Chess maneuver can re-position multiple pieces. However, this has multiple conditions:
* The King and the Rook you want to use haven't attacked or moved yet this game.
* There are no pieces between the Rook and the King.
* The King isn't threatened and he doesn't move through threatened squares (we assume that in older editions all pieces got AoOs against the King and this move was forbidden because of the Brutality Rule). Of course you cannot move him onto a threatened square either. These rules don't apply to the Rook.
* To munchkins: The King and the Rook must be on the same row, you cannot castle with a pawn-rook.

===How to suck at chess===

F2-F3 E7-E5 G2-G4 D8-H4

If this happens to you, [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fool's_mate the game outright calls you an idiot.]

== [[Serious Business]] ==

Professional players claim that Chess is serious business so they invented a lot of extra rules like this association football throw-in rule: "At the moment of delivering the ball, the thrower must face the field of play, have both feet on the ground on or outside the touch line, and use both hands to deliver the ball from behind and over his head." - unnecessary rules that exist solely because some fucker tried to be smart and exploit a loophole in the rules. Seriously: 310 words just about the shit you gotta do when TOUCHING the pieces. I won't 1d4ise these, so go [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chess to The Other Wiki] and see for yourself.

If any of the rules aren't clear for you, why the fuck are you reading a wiki about this? There's a goddamn store in my neighborhood that sells ONLY books about chess. It's been done to death; there's probably entire shelves about chess at your local library.

== Variants ==

Chess is nothing but a huge ripoff of older and cooler games (Shatranj, Chess with elephants... [[Derp|which for some reason are weaker than the modern Knight]]) but has still managed to give birth to a few amusing variants. One is commonly called "Bughouse" (like that has to do with anything) or "4 player chess". Most people cry witchcraft at this point, but it actually works. Bughouse is two teams playing against each other so that one member of each team is white and the other is black. (It's racist but what can you do?) Every time your partner takes a piece he hands it to you. Every turn you have you can either move a piece that's already on the board or drop that captured piece on any unoccupied square. Yes, this makes surprise butt sex possible through chess. By playing this way you can annoy your opponent for hours by dropping pawns all over the place as long as you have a partner with half a brain. Usually Bughouse is played on a very limited clock because no one wants to watch slow butt sex.

WARNING: Do not attempt Bughouse unless you are actually good at chess or you are likely to break your brain. A game does not get to be called Bughouse because it is played by the sane.

There are also a variety of 3D chess versions but only [[Star Trek|Trekkies]] know how to play them, so nobody cares. An interesting (in a mind-bendingly weird sort of way) variant is [[Timecube Chess]], in which chess is played in the past, future, and four simultaneous presents.

Now if you paid attention to what you just read, you may have guessed that western chess came from a much older (and very different) indian version. And that indian version did not just spawn a few variants in Europe but in eastern Asia as well. One well-known version is Shogi or japanese chess. It has two-sided pieces, a promotion system that [[FAIL|arguably makes some pieces less interesting once promoted]], a supply/capture system and some more subtleties that make [[weeaboo|some]] say that it is superior to all other versions of chess, but all in all, it's not really that exciting. Like most things in Japan, especially [[mahjong|overly complicated games that are not role-playing games]], it is considered [[serious business]]. As in, dedicated cable TV channels, public tournaments and scouting for players in elementary school serious business. Unlike most classic board games without luck, including normal chess and [[Go]] for all but the largest board sizes, Shogi has not yet been "solved": It is still possible for (the best) human players to beat AI players.

Another variant is Xiangqi or chinese chess. There is a promotion system as well, plus the game has elephants, chariots that player call cars or tanks nowadays, catapults or cannons, your <s>king</s> {{BLAM|'''*BLAM!*'''None shall taint the name of the Holy Emperor by putting him in a game!}} {{BLAM|'''*RE-BLAM!*'''The emperor is a coward and is holding the glorious revolution of the people back!}} general has two personal guards, each side has a fortress and there is a river in the middle of the battlefield. Much like western chess, all these elements are not enough to make it awesome because all of them are held back by the rules and by some logical flaws. The elephants cannot cross the river and have a stupid movement pattern so they can only be used in defense and have only seven possible positions on the board making them easy to threaten. At the end of the day, your two elephants are just trying to protect each other. The two guards cannot leave the fortress, meaning that they have only five possible positions on the board and are pretty useless. Firing the catapult [[derp|moves it to the destination of the projectile]] [[wat|and you can only fire it if there is something between it and its target.]] The promotion system only applies to pawns and the horse has the same movement pattern as the knight but cannot jump over other units. Since there is no equivalent of the bishop and queen (which means in modern terms, the 'king' would be called a 'monarch' or the 'chief executive', democratically, the 'President' or 'Prime Minister' or for extremes, the Supreme Soviet or Duce) the car (which moves exactly like the rook) and the catapult (that has a pretty retarded movement pattern) are the only pieces that can really help you control the board. Xiangqi also has loads of variants including one with four players, supplies and no river (meaning that the elephants can finally be useful), a version played mostly in Hong Kong that is pretty similar to [[Stratego]], one based on the Three Kingdoms war for three players... Xiangqi is not that different from western chess in that the game is not as awesome as it sounds, and the general is the central piece of the game and is completely useless unless you are a manly man and decide to move your general out of the fortres and checkmate with him. That tactic is called feijiang and contrary to popular belief, does not translate to "flying general" but is chinese for "fuck you".

There is a korean variant of it called Janggi which is nearly identical save for a few things that makes it a bit more interesting : the general/king starts at the center of the castle rather than the back edge ; players place their pieces in turn, one by one because they are allowed the switch the position of the horse and the elephant giving the green (equivalent of white) player the advantage of starting but the red (equivalent of black, duh) player the advantage of reacting to the other guy's choice of where to put his elephants ; the pawns don't get promoted and can move sideways from the beginning ; the catapult [[derp|can only fire AND move if there is a piece in front of it]] ; the rules for stalemate are a bit different ; and most importantly, there is no river meaning you can use the elephants offensively. The biggest difference though is that while xiangqi is alive and well and played in China plus south-east Asia plus by the diaspora from these areas, janggi is mostly played for money by old people while everyone watching bets on the winner, and nobody outside of korean retirement homes gives a shit about it, not even the growing number of koreaboos. Too bad, it's a nifty alternative.

There is also a thai variant that resembles western chess and is actually more interesting, but nobody cares about it.

=== Modern variants ===

Among the more common things some game designers do is try to "fix" various flaws in chess (usually the reliance in top level play of memorizing the opening playbook, and the tendency to stalemate at the endgame) or expand it in some way, by making their own variant. There are many hundreds of these; to give you a general taste of what these look like, here are some notable ones:

* '''Fisher Random Chess''', by '''that''' Bobby Fisher, which randomizes the starting positions.
* '''Grand Chess''', which makes the board 10x10, adds two Queen-equivalent pieces, and removes Castling in an mildly elegant way.
** (There are a large number of 10x8 variants that add two pieces that Grand Chess evolved out of (most notably, '''Capablanca Chess''', designed by '''that''' Capablanca), but Grand Chess is probably more popular, as it adds an element of space missing in most chess variants.)
* '''Marseilles Chess''', in which every move after the first is a double move (that is, you can move one piece twice, or two pieces once).
* '''Hexagonal Chess''', played on a Hexagonal board. There are several versions, that usually differ only by the starting setup and pawn movements.
* '''Circular Chess''', played on a circular board.
* '''Bughouse Chess''', mentioned above, in which two teams of two play, and can place captured pieces from their teammate's opponent on the board.
* '''Alice Chess''', the "other" two board game, in which you change boards each time you move.
* '''Anti-King Chess''', which adds an "Anti-King" to each side, in front of the other side's King's Pawn; if your Anti-King is not in check, you lose.
* '''Ultima''', (not to be confused with '''that''' [[Ultima]]) in which every piece but the King and Pawns is replaced by a piece that moves like a Queen, but captures uniquely--including one that doesn't capture at all, but merely completely immobilizes enemy pieces adjacent to it--and the Pawns have their own replacement that "merely" moves like a Rook.
* '''Maharajah and the Sepoys''', in which White has the ultrapowerful Maharajah, which moves like a Queen or a Knight, but only that, and Black has the regular chess army with slightly weaker pawns. Among skilled players, Black always wins, but the variant is useful in teaching Chess strategy.
* '''Kreigspiel''', in which you can't see your opponent's pieces. Requires a referee.
* '''Martian Chess''', the [[Icehouse]] chess thing covered in our [[Icehouse]] article. [[Icehouse]].
* Many, many attempts to make a three-dimensional chess.
* Many, many attempts to make three or four player chess.
* '''Arimaa''', of interest only because it was designed to be "hard" for computer players to handle. Eventually, somebody made a computer program that could reliably beat the best human players. I for one welcome our new robot overlords.
* '''"Chess 2: The Sequel"''', made by people who've made a career out of trying to add random elements and fighting-game logic to board games and otherwise only notable for its preposterously ambitious name.
* Chess Boxing, which alternates rounds of boxing with rounds of Blitz Chess (that is, chess with very aggressive timer).
* '''[[The Duke]]''': Chess/Shogi with expansion packs and random chance.

==Fictional versions of Chess==

Fantasy and science fiction writers have tried their hand at making chess variants to suit their worldbuilding; probably the best known is [[Star Trek]]'s three-dimensional chess (for which rules were never officially supplied), although works as diverse as A Song of Ice and Fire, Star Wars, John Carter of Mars, and [[Discworld]] have their own versions of chess (some of them even had rules).

;Dragon Chess ([[Dungeons & Dragons]])

A fantasy variant created by [[Gary Gygax]] himself, and taking place on three, vertically-stacked 8 X 12 boards, representing the sky, ground, and subterranean caves. The ground pieces resemble a normal chess board if half the pieces were the bastard offspring of the classic chessmen, the sky board starts with six [[sylph]]s, two [[griffon]]s, and a [[dragon]] (the dragon can actually capture "remotely," that is, without moving from its spot), and the underground has six [[dwarf]]s, two [[basilisk]]s (who can lock enemy pieces in place until they move or are captured), and an elemental. All of them can fight among themselves or attack and move up and down via a Byzantine set of rules and interactions that make a certain amount of sense but are super-complicated. Well-known to be a broken mess of a game, one which Gygax tried and failed to [[house rules| clean up into something halfway-respectable]] off and on throughout his life. Played in-universe by denizens of most ''D&D'' settings.

;3D-Chess ([[Star Trek]])

A future version of the game with multi-layered board, with the pieces moving up and down accordingly. Other than that the rules seem to be the same as regular Chess.

;Dejarik ([[Star Wars]])

Played in a circular board, and the pieces are holographic representations of real creatures in the Star Wars universe, including a FREAKING RANCOR. Movements are based on how the creatures moved in "real" life. A extremely important rule: if your opponent is a Wookie, let him win.

;Magical Chess ([[Harry Potter]])

Normal Chess with magically animated pieces. They will respond to verbal commands and in the films will physically destroy enemy pieces when doing a capture. (In the books they just shout tons of quasi-helpful advice at the player and try to politic to avoid being sacrificed.)

;The OTHER Magical Chess (No Game No Life)

More of a Chess theme war simulator. Pieces will refuse to move if it means their gonna die, change alliances, and can be motivated to combat trough speeches that appeal to the love for their families or [[/d/|their fetishes]]

;Prosfair (Blood Blockade Battlefront)

And here is when things get bonkers. A bizarre version with rules that become more complex the longer the game goes. Pieces will gain levels and some of them can only be placed in the board at certain times. The arena initially consist of one large board surrounded by 4 smaller ones, and then more small ones appear, and then all the small boards became spherical. There is a time limit of 99 hours because at that point the game will be starting altering reality, but most human players will have died or going insane before that. If this description sound chaotic an vague, is because that is how is presented in the series.

;Stealth Chess ([[Discworld]])

This variant is said to be played by the Assassin's guild in Ankh-Morpork. It's deceptively simple, adding a seventh piece to the game, the Assassin. Each player controls two assassins who move invisibly on the board (this is simulated in game by giving the board two additional columns called the "slurks" for just the assassin piece, which tracks how far they've moved through the game). Assassins begin in the slurks beside your castles, can move one square in any direction (though not diagonally), and move two squares to capture. For example, if the assassin has moved two squares in the slurk, it may then choose to appear in any square two away from its starting square, then move an additional square to capture a piece if desired. This means that if an assassin has moved fifteen squares in a single game before popping out, it may essentially appear anywhere on the board. Crucially, assassins can capture both enemy and allied pieces, though out of professional courtesy they're not allowed to capture other assassins.

;Regicide ([[Warhammer 40,000]])
A 40K IP-licensed game named after 40k's equivalent of Chess. If you're hearing about it only now, that was pretty much the game's reception in a nutshell. It's essentially Chess set up as Orks vs. Space Marines, but with [[Rip and tear|blood soaked animations]] and the option to use guns and psychic powers to wear down pieces rather than capturing them the old way. The game itself was actually pretty mediocre.

==See Also==

[[Warhammer 40,000 Regicide]]: A [[Video_games|vidya]] variant of chess with 40k units you know and love from the Space Marines and Orks chopping each other apart in place of the classic chess pieces. [https://youtu.be/_KIUzm5TiK0 Now you can finally put the BRUTAL in "Brutality Rule."]

==External Links==
*[http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/1627752/ /tg/ shows how Chess should be played]
*[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_chess_variants Wikipedia attempts to list Chess Variants]

{{Board Games}}
[[Category:Board Games]]

Maccabian Janissaries

2020-08-09T02:17:02Z

2600:1700:19C0:2760:19B:CC5A:80C3:A0E6: /* MODELING UPDATE */

[[File:Janissary.jpg|300px|thumb|right|And you thought the Ottomans died out 39,000 years ago... [[Heresy|(and a blue sky on an imperial world?)]] ]]

{{Topquote|Tomorrow let them see our strength, and weep whilst they their want of losing blame; their valiant folly strives too long to keep what might be render'd without shame.|"Solyman" (Common western misspelling of the name"Suleiman the Magnificent") Seige of Rhodes (opera, 1656) by William Davenant,}}

The Maccabian Janissaries are the masked, pious fighting force of the Holy shrine world of [[Dark Heresy|Maccabeus Quintus]]. Zealous in faith and fanatical in war, the Janissaries are the elite handpicked guardsmen of the planet who seek to spread the imperial words of truth to all corners of the galaxy. Because of this, many see that becoming a Janissary is the best form of pilgrimage; to be a pilgrim in a vast and unenlightened galaxy.

While relatively few in number compared to other regiments, the Janissaries more than make up for their numbers by being some of the most finely equipped warriors in the imperium with Flak armour Mk1-NonCardboard, badass silver masks to prove their faith to their blessed saint, Drusus and a disciplined Napoleonic shoulder-to-shoulder fighting style similar to the [[Mordian Iron Guard]].

Their lasguns are shaped like bolters. Likely due to the Imperial faith's belief that bolters are particularly holy weapons. These guys are probably super effective against daemons and psychic enemies due to how faith works and that they're practically the Imperial Guard's Sisters of Battle.

Probably singing this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXZMIC-Z-XA, "The Janissaries March", while marching into battle.

==Modeling==
Currently there are no miniatures supplied from [[Games Workshop|Games Workshop]] or [[Forgeworld|Forgeworld]] to justify their awesome, making them one of the most underrepresented if not lesser known regiments in the Imperium. To be fair, this probably has less to do with GW/FW being lazy and more to do with the fact that [[Fantasy Flight Games]] invented them, and "core" 40k probably won't ever go anywhere near it for licensing reasons. Luckily, their appearance is similar to a Power Armoured Space Marine or Sister of battle, take a few tons in metal off the top and add a few purity seals for good measure.

[[Victoria Miniatures]] sells greatcoat legs, so grab some Cadian arms and the greatcoat legs. Then use the pilot torsos from the [[Valkyrie]]/[[Vendetta]] kit. Failing that, just some good old Cadian torsos (sand down the chest if you're willing to put the effort in). For the head you can try to find a [[samurai]] head from somewhere and sand it down (or just leave it). To finish it off add some kind of backpack. A [[Stormtrooper|Scion]] backpack would be preferable.

===MODELING UPDATE===
GOOD NEWS EVERYONE! OUR REPTILIAN OVERLORDS HAVE COME TO THE RESCUE! They have just released [https://www.reptilian-overlords.com/online-store/Death-Masks-p138797380 Mask Helmets], which are pretty damn close to the Janissaries. Along with Anvil Industry bits and maybe some GW bits, should be able to convert your own force in no time.

You can also get Necromunda pattern [https://www.shapeways.com/product/FHHNRUMJU/necromunda-lasgun-10-pack lasguns] at Shapeways which are pretty close to the art.

<strike>Sadly, the Reptilian overlords link is broken, meaning we ain't gonna get their masks for a while. We're sorry Janissary nibbas.</strike>

Unfortunately, it seems like Reptillian overlords either lumped their death mask heads into their new Patreon service (sending files so you could 3D print them at home [[Derp|which is a capability not many people have]]) or have just stopped selling them... Emperor damnit.

FORTUNATELY, [https://www.thingiverse.com/thing:3938115 FAITH IS ITS OWN REWARD]

==/tg/'s edition codexes==
*[[Codex - Maccabian Janissaries: /tg/'s 8th Edition]]

{{40k-Imperial-Regiments}}

Furry

2020-08-09T01:42:43Z

2600:1700:19C0:2760:19B:CC5A:80C3:A0E6:

{{flamewar}}
{{promotions}}
{{heresy}}
{{cleanup}}
[[Image:BAWWW.jpg|right|thumb|Fig. a: This furry is not making any friends here.]]
{{Topquote|I have run with the tigers and I know wild beasts better than the priests. Animals are neither gods nor fiends, but men in their way without the lust and greed of man.|Kull, Exile of Atlantis}}
''If you're looking for actual /tg/ races that are based on the principle of "humanoid animal", see [[Beastfolk]].''

A '''Furry''' (not to be confused with '''fury''', which they tend to create) are people who are (often obsessive) fans of anthropomorphic animals. Some furries are merely keen on Disney, the Rats of NIMH, [[My Little Pony]], or Usagi Yojimbo (these are the tolerable ones); at the other end of the spectrum lie the Otherkin, people who [[What|genuinely believe]] that they are animals or dragons trapped inside human bodies. Some furries make and wear fursuits in an attempt to resemble their avatars in real life, which tends to make the participants look ridiculous most of the time unless the costume is well made (which, credit where credit is due, happens extraordinarily often) or they're at a con full of them (and even then...).

The Furry community is ostensibly based mostly in meritocratic elitism, with good [[drawfags]] in the upper levels of their social pyramid and the average Disney/Warner Brothers' animation fanboy in the lowest. Drama, misanthropy and other emo behaviors are very common in the hierarchy, often representing humankind as sociopathic or genocidal in their literary works or comics. Many furry comics have a homosexual or bisexual theme, not unlike anime; while there are many LGBTQ+ individuals and supporters in the furry community, there are also many [[Tumblr|"safe havens"]] that are host to furries often overlap with those accepting of gay communities. For what it's worth, the non-furry parts of those communities only consider them a problem when they go ''bashit fucking crazy''. There's also a vocal 'minority' of furries who ''are'' right wing, if not full-on [[/pol/]] themselves, though [[Derp|they're usually all the more ridicule-worthy for it]].

[[Image:FurryInANutshell.jpg|left|thumb|The diverse constituencies of the furry community in a nutshell.]]
Furries get a lot of hate in a lot of places on the internet, which stems form several sources; a big one is the really insecure subtype of furry who posts their "fursona" on deviantART and proceeds to spew bile at anyone who doesn't kiss their ass about it. Another big part of it is the type of furry most commonly referred to by /tg/ and 4chan, which is the erotic furry, also known as the "furvert", which is a specific sexual fetish for anthropomorphic animals. Erotic furries are fond of [Ccybering|cybersex]], which they refer to as "yiffing", supposedly for the sound a fox makes while copulating. There are fewer erotic furries in the furry community than the average fa/tg/uy believes, but also more of them than the average furry will admit to. While sexual attraction to anthropomorphic animals *by itself* isn't too deviant or disturbing, the problem is that like many fetishes it has an odd tendency to occur in conjunction with other, more extreme ones (more on that in a bit). Because of these various factors, this type of furry is considered by 4chan, out of all possible factions, as the vilest and most nauseating form of [[heresy]] in all of existence, with only the ultimate [[Exterminatus|Banhammer]] as the solution. [[What|Even to the point where *all* forms of furry porn are banned on /d/, a board that accepts pretty much everything else, even outright felonies like rape.]]

Antipathy toward furries on /tg/ and 4chan runs high principally due to a profound weariness with thin-skinned furries complaining of persecution (but the irony that this has partially legitimized their claims has not gone wholly unnoticed). If you are a furry and feel the need to talk about it, the best way to survive on /tg/ is to admit from the outset that you are a sick bastard and that you don't expect anyone to praise you for it. (Addendum: Since 40k has very little to do with the fandom, it's generally safe to just not refer to yourself as one, lest ye call down the collective nerd rage of the fa/tg/uys on you, as shown in fig. a.) Furry threads make for very effective [[troll]]ing experience, especially if erotic furry art is involved.

[[File:Unconventional Armour.jpg|250px|right|thumb|/tg/ bitches about anthropomorphic animals all the time in sci-fi and fantasy settings, yet they have a insatiable fetish for cat women in skimpy armor. The irony is real.]]
In a somewhat [[Irony|ironic twist]], /tg/'s burning hatred for furries is what allowed /tg/ to come into being; [[Warhammer Wednesday]] was created as a direct response to furries attempting to spam /b/ every day of the week. The popularity of this day caught Moot's attention, leading to the creation of the /tg/ board.

Furries have their own RPGs, most notably ''[[Ironclaw]]'', and its Asian themed companion book ''Jadeclaw'', as well as ''[[Furry Pirates]]'' and ''[[Albedo]]''.

/tg/, /v/, /x/ and other boards (not really /b/, because half of them are furfags anyways) have a profound hatred for all things furry and will [[Exterminatus|rage, sage, kill, maim and ultimately burn]] the thread into the desolate wastelands of 404. (Any thread you may happen to see featuring monstergirls, centaurs, gnolls, or other sexualized sapient creatures is merely a figment of your imagination.)

Note: some furfags like to take it to the extreme and have recently tried to take /tg/ for themselves, only to have to resort to copious amounts of samefagging after the majority of fa/tg/uys got bored of saging their threads into oblivion. It is also theorized that furfags that invade /tg/ usually come from the bottomless pit of horror called tgchan.

Scalies are anthropomorphic creatures of the reptile and amphibian variety. As furries are nicknamed such for their humanoid shape covered in fur, scalies tend to have a coating of scales much like the animals they represent. However, some scalies, including draconids, have very light or no true scales, but flesh more like a human's.

Scalies are also furry fans with a preference for lizard, reptile, dragon and dinosaur characters and themes. It is also a self-moniker for the users of alt.fan.dragons, a Usenet discussion group for all things drakōn. They are not to be confused with [[dragonborn]] (because they don't ask to be fucked and raped constantly).

==Yiffing==
{{heresy}}
[[File:Damn Furry DMs.JPG|thumb|right|A 'typical' furry [[/d/M]] in action.]]
Yiffing refers to sex between furries, and is most commonly used outside the fandom in the form of "Yiff in Hell", indicating to publicly erotic furries that they or their sexual practices are not welcome in a given locale. As mentioned before, it frequently ventures into [[/d/|absolutely wild territory guaranteed to squick even the most hardened of internet users.]] For the most part, furries might have been tolerated had the fandom simply left it at "animal people fucking" and not become host to an array of utterly fucked up shit: watersports, adult babies, various forms of vore (most not even from natural orifices), ''actual bestiality'', and scat are all just scratching the surface.

Of course /tg/, being /tg/, knows everyone gets off to ''something'' that would be considered fucked up by at least a significant amount of people - after all, we have to let loose somehow and not all of us are the same. Plus, there's no fetish amongst furries that isn't already expressed in plenty amongst non-furries - [[8chan]] has ''an entire fucking board'' dedicated to non-furry vore, for example, and that's not counting the fetishes ranging from bondage to guro in the 'non-furry' world [[Roman Empire|since the fucking Romans]]. Furries are simply the poster child for people who take it to completely unfathomable heights, due to the frequent overlap between furries and other /d/-tier fetishes, such that one may feel an insatiable urge to drink bleach afterward. It's not uncommon to see even other furries giving [[Chakat|the worst parts of their fandom]] a wide berth, although many onlookers [[Exterminatus|would make no distinction in that regard anyway]].

Some people like to joke that the influx of furries into hell drove the immortal Prince of Darkness into attempting suicide (and succeeding), and he was replaced with the [[Slaanesh|Prince of Pleasure]], because it turns out Chaos accepts pretty much anyone.

==You might be considered a furry (by some) if...==
As the only attribute consistently required to be considered a furry is an interest in anthropomorphic animals (def: having human characteristics, such as human speech, clothes, etc) you might be a furry if you identify with and/or are a devoted fan of:

*[[Beastmen]]
*[[Skaven]]
*[[Lizardmen]]
*[[Minotaur]]
*[[Centaur]]
*[[Satyr]]
*Some subspecies of [[Demon]]

(Clarification: Just because you are interested in any of these does NOT force you to become a furry. It's a fandom like anime is. You can like something without associating with the ravening horde of crazy fanboys/girls.)

==Things That are Not Furry==
[[Image:Furry chart.jpg|thumb|right|[[Meme|100% is fine too]].]]
[[Image:Cheesy.jpg|thumb|right|DANGEROUSLY CHEESY]]

Distaste for furries often backfires on /tg/ when overly zealous anons cannot find any furries to abuse and turn their attention to people involved in innocuous practices. In particular, you should check yourself if you find you are calling someone a furry for any of the following:

*Playing [[Bunnies and Burrows]] (without masturbating).
*Discussing ''Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Other Strangeness'' (without masturbating).
*Watching Disney movies and other movies with anthropomorphic characters (again, without masturbating). Disney movies may cause anthropomorphic animals to pique your interest, but does not, by default, MAKE you a furry.
*[[Monstergirls]]. Suggesting they count as furry to any stray weeaboo on /tg/ will result in them [[Eversor|broiling over with rage]].
*Playing [[gnoll]]s, [[minotaur]]s, [[Ork]]s, [[kobolds]] and in some extreme cases [[Eldar|elves]] (without masturbating).
*Discussing something such as ''Ruby Quest'' (without masturbating), which primarily has given the characters animal features in order to easily differentiate between them within its simple style.
*Discussing [[Werewolves]], playing [[Werewolf: The Apocalypse]] or [[Werewolf: The Forsaken]] (without masturbating) as, despite the frequent overlap, they are not furry by themselves.
*Playing [[Space Wolves]] (without masturbating).
*Playing [[Tyranids]] (without masturbating).
*Playing [[Beastfolk]] in general (without masturbating).
*Sexual attraction to actual, real-world animals (as in not the cute catgirl you just drew up, but your actual neighbor's cat). This is known as Bestiality, and unlike everything else on this list is ''worse'' than being a furry<ref>We're listing it here purely because the two tend to get confused</ref>, although it is also one of the aforementioned deviances that "Furry" tends to overlap with.

Dispute rages over what exactly constitutes furry. As a general guideline "If it has a snout, it's out" works well-enough; however (and especially on /tg/) fantasy races complicate that particular equation a bit. [[Gnoll]]s, [[Minotaur]]s, [[Beastmen]] and their ilk are a well-established part of many a RPG/Wargame setting and have been there long before the furry craze. It's important to note the difference however: Beastmen, Wulfen and the like are clearly set out in the lore as monsters-they aren't sexualised and aren't really tolerated. There's no Beastman-Human relationships in Warhammer, because the lore is quite clear on them being hated and reviled, with every interaction starting and ending at the tip of a sword.

There are two major schools of thought on the subject. [[Skub|One holds that catgirls and other essentially near-hairless human characters with only one or two animal features]] (such as ears, minute resemblance of claws/fur on the body or a tail) [[Skub|are not furry, and the boundary of furry is only breached when you start sighting other obviously animal characteristics]] such as an altered skeletal structure, a face that resembles an actual animal and full-body-fur (this does not stop trolls from calling [[Horo]] furry, however). On the other hand, the second school of thought maintains that nobody fucking cares. There are hints of a still forming third school developing around the idea of [[Exterminatus|exterminating]] all of them and let [[Gary Gygax]] sort it out.

=== Monstergirls vs. Furries ===
One will note that the above doesn't constitute a strong defense of [[Monstergirls]] as not being Furry (as, unlike the other non-furry fur-adjacent-fandoms<ref>Bestiality is not a fandom.</ref> mentioned above, the two do share a rather ''*ahem*'' one-handed approach to things). This is because, sadly, Monstergirls has some overlap with furrydom. There are a few distinctions that may be worth making between the two, though:

* Monstergirls are usually an attempt to make monsters '''more''' human, usually due to a desire for something "exotic" and/or the fa/tg/uy or fa/tg/irl in question having poor luck with ''actual'' humans; Furries are frequently driven by a desire to make people '''less''' human, at least in appearance (with the target of dehumanization usually being the furry fan him/herself, which of course is [[Heresy|heretical enough to drive a Black Templar into a genocidal mood]].
* Monstergirl settings usually make a point of having humans be present. Furry works are frequently describable as "ordinary (if perhaps porny) life, but '''everybody''' is an animal".
* Monstergirls are, well, monsters who happen to be conventionally attractive. Most Monstergirl works make a point of discussing and showing differences in thinking (whether cultural or biological) between the Monstergirls and normal humans. Again, Furry works are frequently describable as "'''ordinary''' (if perhaps porny) life, but everybody is an animal".
* Furry erotica has an especially bad habit of going into '''too many''' weird (and/or sickening) fetishes; Monstergirl-related porn tends to be more "mass market" in their erotic goals, with a good chunk of written fiction being completely romance-oriented (although admittedly there are a few high-profile [[Monster Girl Encyclopedia|exceptions to this trend]]).
* Monstergirl fans seem to be an 'ordinary' (if ''also'' porn-heavy) fandom, with all the perks and pitfalls of any other. Furrydom overlaps more with being a "lifestyle", with all the bullshit that the phrase "alternative lifestyles" usually involves.
* Perhaps most importantly, sanity. Erotic Furries are well-known for their blurring of fantasy and reality in their minds and fan-conventions; Monstergirl fans seem to be more clear on the distinction between the two.

A close reading of some furry webcomics crying about [[#Fursecution|"fursecution"]] can be highly enlightening on several of these points, if you're of strong enough stomach to do so. [[Skub|Whether these distinctions actually differentiate the two is left up to the reader to decide.]]

==Furries on /tg/==
[[Image:Buggy_chart.jpg|400px|thumb|right|Insects are furry too.]]
Besides the usual angst over furry porn getting spammed, if furries are brought up at all, this is mostly in the context of fantasy roleplaying games that feature anthropomorphic species like Gnolls and Kobolds, etc. As mentioned above, this is a gray area where playing one of these characters does not necessarily mean one is a furry; even so, accusations can still be made, since genuine furries can use playing a canon furry species as a smokescreen for creating their [[magical realm]]. The key is to figure out ahead of time whether the player in question cares about roleplaying an adventurer and not roleplaying a sexual fetish. Actually, that's a good general rule to go by, furry or not.

With regards to WH40k, there's less ambiguity. The Imperium's stance on non-humans is [[heresy|quite clear]]. Yes, [[Wulfen]] do technically straddle the line into anthro territory, but the fluff makes it clear that they're barely tolerated as it is, and the [[Inquisition]] is too busy dealing with daemonic shit to get into another fight with the [[Space Wolves]]. Yet despite all this, you do have the occasional furry try to slip something in that, by all rights, should ordinarily result in [[Exterminatus]] right from the get-go. Because of this, furries have been classified as [[Extra Heresy]]. See the [[Fur Heresy]] for one such example.

===Flare===
Originally introduced to /tg/ by some creepy furfag that would spam her picture in [[drawfag]] threads constantly, Flare was since kidnapped from her creator to receive an extreme makeover in the hands of /tg/: Her backstory is that, hated by absolutely everyone, she had to endure constant abuse and fighting ever since childhood, turning her into a sociopathic fuckup. Posting an image of old Flare with or without text used to be the easiest form of trolling on all of /tg/ (Not even [[4e]] [[D&D]] could have elicited as much blind rage from the board) but the new Flare has since cut the worst edge out of it. More importantly, what /tg/ did to her is bugging the shit out of the original Flarefag, which is awesome.

There is no art of her anywhere except the original image and the ones that drawfags have made. Trolls sometimes refer to Flare as a mascot of /tg/, but this is so unthinkably wrong and horrifying that you are advised to stop thinking about the possibility {{BLAM|before we make you.}}

===Chakat===
Like Flare, this is an imported concept that /tg/ rapidly grew to hate. The short story is that [[Chakat]]s are a race of hermaphroditic furry centaurs [[Mary Sue|who are super amazing at everything and everyone wants to fuck them]], and engage in [[FATAL|metric fucktons of sexual fetishes including incest]]. And if you're not sexually attracted to them, then you're a horrible person and [[rape|they'll ''make'' you love them]]. In short, they're everything stereotypically wrong with furries in one package. Originally a [[Star Trek]] fanfic race, they've since attempted to [[Chakats Meet the Hammer of the Emperor|invade]] every other sci-fi franchise, despite being hated even by other furries. So if one of your players attempts to play a Chakat character, you'll know what to expect. On the other hand, with a few tweaks, they'd make for a great villain...

Also, their inventor is now a [[My Little Pony|brony]]. Make of that what you will.

===The Furry Test===
If you are developing a character or race, or are looking at someone else’s, and are wondering if they are technically furry or not, take this simple test. Just go through the list of traits and add the indicated points for each one that applies.
Note: a lot of these traits are also synonymous with [[Mary Sue|Mary Sues]] and indeed the two have a tendency to occur together, so this test probably isn't that valid. The worst furries most worthy of purging (read: most of them), are almost without exception blatant and shameless Mary Sues in addition to their other [[heresy|depravities]].

*Add 3 if they resemble an anthropomorphic animal.
*Add 4 if they are ''specifically'' an anthropomorphic animal (fox, wolf, etc.).
*Add 4 if they are a Sonic fan character.
*Add 5 if they are a [[My Little Pony]] fan character.
*Add 2 if their sexual characteristics are gone into with ''any'' detail (E.g., things that [[Slaanesh]] would find amazing)
*Add 1 if they have a vibrant and unnatural coloration (often a lazy attempt at [[Original character, do not steal]]).
*Add 2 if they are the subject of fetish material.
*Add 3 if they are are the subject of fetish material in universe.
*Add 2 if they are always depicted on the side of good.
*Add 3 if Humans are the real monsters.
*Add 6 if they are [[Chakat|overly perfect, physically and/or morally]].
*Add 5 if their nonhuman traits grants them any powers, although subtract 1-3 from that if they have the corresponding weakness (e.g., emphasizing a strong sense of smell '''sucks''' when you have to go into a sewer, or that spikes tend to get in the way of being intimate).

Now add up your final score.
* Anything over 10 is definitely furry.
* Anything over 20 is firmly in "you sick bastard" territory. Your synthetic abominations will be converted into a cybernetic slaves of the Auric Bara'ki empire, or else Age backwards into their infancy and mind-wiped, so as to free them from your lingering horror, {{BLAM|you sick bastard.}}
* Anything over 30 is indescribably fucked up, and requires a [[Inquisition|counseling session with an Inquisitor, with cattle prod and leash]].

=="Fursecution"==
If you've read this far then you've seen several references to "thin-skinned furries complaining of 'fursecution'". The problem is that, like with any largely hated group of people, such persecution does indeed exist (stop laughing), and the net is often widened to include 'sane' furries (e.g. simple fans of the [https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FunnyAnimal "Funny Animal"] style), who may be nonsexual and might potentially share that disdain for their more depraved "brethren". Furries who ''do'' have the pertinent fetish but lack any ''other'' fetishes will show where they draw the line; hell, even many of the sexual ones have their limits. In the cases where someone manages to check off most or (somehow) all of the more objectively despicable traits on the list, there's a point where the a constant stream of rage wouldn't do much good, since people tend to be less receptive of your opinions when you're a complete dick about them. But then, we don't come to 4chan to make healthy life choices, do we?

Another complication is that humans ''are'' like other animals in at least one notable way: we tend to act the way we're treated. Thus if you consistently act like an asshole to someone, they'll often eventually act like an asshole back. In this way, furries play into the common narrative where the insecure and/or arrogant vocal minorities within a larger group of people (e.g. the aformentioned LBTGQ+ community) get so annoying in their bitching about persecution (be it 'imaginary' or otherwise), that they "enable" ''actual'' persecution against the ''whole'' group. By that token, recognizing that furries are too easy a target - and usually scapegoated for ''other'' reasons - is not mutually exclusive of the fact that more than quite a few of them legitimately deserve the shit they get.

==Gallery==
<gallery>
Image:Animalabuse.jpg|Why any sane person should hate furries.
Image:Geek-hierarchy-pic15.jpg|Furry [[LARP]]ers.
Image:Dnd.jpg|Furcadia, an infamous furry graphical MUD.
Image:Exterminatus.jpg|This is what /tg/ actually believes.
Image:DeathToTheFurries.jpg|[[/b/|/b/rothers]] do not like any more than [[/tg/|fa/tg/uys]] do.
Image:SuiseisororitasHQ.JPG
Image:Get_furry_out_of_here.jpg
Image:Anonymarines_vs_furries.jpg
Image:One_wing_troll_dragon.jpg|Flare before
Image:True Flare.jpg|Flare after
Image:Flarebanned.jpg|No mods on /tg/, you say?
Image:Flaresprons_anonib.jpg
Image:RatAssMacro.png
File:Space_wolves_sergeant_by_GordonFreeguy.png|Not sure if heresy...
File:Art.png
File:Animated_yiff_furry_marines_1211613516571.gif|HERESY IN THE EXTREME
File:5_years_later_still_ruining_by_flyingdebris-d488kxr.jpg|Five years later - the war is still going strong.
File:M_does_not_approve.jpg|[[/m/]] supports /tg/ in its quest against the Fur-Tide.
File:Gnoll.jpg|Another awesome fantasy race is consumed by the fur-tide.
File:Dr. Steinman Parody.png|That's what happens when you <del>do drugs</del> draw furry porn for years. It screws up your mind.
File:Making chaos cultists look sane.jpeg|Congrats, fuckwit, you just made Khornate Guardsmen look reasonable
File:Dragons on a car 1.jpg|thumb|left|Example of an erotic scalie fantasy.
File:4D235B9F-5AA2-4AEA-BA31-8743729C6AC0.png

Image:D&d_beasts__senmurv_gay_pride.jpg|A suspiciously furry D&D creature. (For the record: That's a "Simurgh", actual real life [[Mythology|mythological]] bird...only the artist has somehow made it 500,000 times more furry, LGBT-pridey, and just plain stupid looking for some reason.)
</gallery>

==See Also==
* [[Albedo]] - A hard sci-fi furry setting that manages to earn /tg/'s grudging respect by being both old school and surprisingly well thought out.
* [[Beastmen]] - When furries become violent [[Chaos]] worshipers.
* [[Space Wolves]] - When furries become violent [[Emperor]] Worshipers.
* [[Confrontation]]
* [[Fur Heresy]]
* ''[[Furry Pirates]]''
* ''[[Ironclaw|Iron Claw]]''
* [[Chakat]], something most furries prefer, understandably, to not be associated with.
** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zEmh5a_wSyw | Slaaneshi furries nearly destroy the world, but an unsung hero named Viktor stops them]
* [[Sergal]], like Chakats, a homebrewed race that is still based on humanoid animals (in this case a sort of wolf/shark/lizard mix).
* [[Protogen]], a race of furry alien cyborgs who rival sergals in popularity. I don't know why we even have a page for them though.
* [[Centaur]]s, although people argue if they are furries or [[monstergirl]]s.
* [[Minotaur]]s, which like centaurs get claimed by both sides.
* [[Catfolk]], who despite being furries are somehow more /tg/-acceptable than [[catgirl]]s.
* [[Lupin]]s, an actual D&D race of anthro wolves who went from Renaissance French swashbucklers in [[Red Steel]] to pseudo-Native American werewolf hunters who ride around on giant wolves.
* [[Ratfolk]], another race marginalized for "official furriness!"
* [[Gnolls]], anthro hyenas who mostly manage to avoid the furry connections
* [[Lizardfolk]], because some furries prefer scales.
* [[Dragonborn]], who really appeal to furries, though some furries complain that they don't have tails.
* [[Kobold]]s, an anthro lizard race who manage to be popular on /tg/ despite being anthro.
* [[FAPP]], a furry tabletop game for <s>furfags</s> players who enjoy exploring the most perverse of [[Magical Realm]]s.
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xrJVZZLv2GE In which] [[Black Templars|The Emperor's finest]] do what they can to save us from the utter [[heresy]] that is furries. AVENGE ME, BROTHER!
* [[Harkness Test]]
* [[Humblewood]], a fan created setting for [[Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition]] where half of the playable races are different kinds of bird people and the other half are various other animal people.

==Footnotes==

[[Category:Furry]]
[[Category:Not related]]
[[Category:RAGE]]