2d4chan - User contributions [en]

Warhammer Adventures

2018-08-11T19:53:19Z

2600:1700:19C0:2760:AC6F:5DC5:54DA:2206:

{{WTF}}
{{Heresy}}
{{Stub}}
'''Warhammer Adventures''' is a series of Middle Grade (ages 8 to 12) novels published by [[Black Library]] and based on [[Age of Sigmar]] and [[Warhammer 40,000 8th edition]]. Each novel will feature a group of children going on ''amazing adventures,'' like in every Middle Grade novel ever released. Given that this generic plot template is being applied by freelance writers with little to no experience writing for Warhammer to settings filled with overpowered capeshit assholes and overpowered grimderp assholes, respectively, expect canon rape to ensue. The whole series has been described by Black Library in a Facebook comment as: "The Grim Darkness of the far future, but with a nightlight on".

Fucking fantastic. The death threats have already started rolling in, by the way.

==Novels==
===Warped Galaxies (40k)===
*''Attack of the Necron'' by [[wikipedia:Cavan Scott|Cavan Scott]]
===Realm Quest (Age of Sigmar)===
*''City of Lifestone'' by <strike>Loki</strike> Tom Huddleston

==Characters==
Something you'll notice is that both settings follow a particular set of generic token characters: a peace-loving leader, a brash misfit of a brawler, and a prodigal artisan. Who, despite never going past their teenage years, are somehow just as, if not more, proficient as full-grown professionals in their settings.

Yep, the writers either have teenage fanfic-tier writing abilities, or else they're pulling from every YA novel cliche possible. Bear in mind this is an officially-endorsed novel by GW and not something you dug out of the crusty underbelly of Deviant Art or fanfiction.net that you read for laughs; on the other hand, sometimes it's hard to tell them apart anyway (see also: [[C.S. Goto]]).

=== 40k ===

'''Zelia:''' The female leader (and also the token black) that every young adult novel seems legally required to have these days. A young daughter of an [[Rogue Trader|galactic explorer]], she [[Heresy|helps her mom dig up ancient alien artifacts]] and [[Derp|hates weapons in a setting where everything that's alien and most things that aren't actively try to kill you.]] Instead she believes that the best way to overcome fear is by [[Magnus|learning]]. Voted most likely to be slowly tortured to death by the [[Inquisition]] for seeking out [[Chaos|the truth]].

'''Talen:''' The son of an [[Imperial Guard|Imperial Guard officer]], Talen decided to run away from home to [[Heresy|avoid military conscription]] and became a hive ganger. He's fairly aggressive and kind of a brute; however, that is offset by his [[noblebright|loyalty to his friends]]. Expect someone to make a greenstuff version of him as a [[Necromunda]] Juve. He carries around a [[miniature|toy Soldier]] which is one of the only reminders he has of his older brother who went off to war. All in all, the only character whose preview is not a fluff-rape of [[C.S. Goto|multilasered]] proportions. It would be ironic if his gang got conscripted by the Imperial Guard anyway, as they are wont to do - he just better hope that the Commissar never finds out about the whole desertion thing.

'''Mekki:''' Pretty much your average [[Techpriest]] but younger. He hails from [[Mars]] and is described as an [[Heretek|inventor]], due to his creation of a small robotic swarm that assist him with certain duties. His right arm is paralyzed so instead of doing the normal, cool Mechanicus thing and replacing it with cybernetics he decides to just build a brace to help him move it. Omnissiah only knows why he wasn't forcefully re-purposed as a [[servitor]] for his blatant tech-heresy yet, especially considering he's from Mars and not some backwater Forge World where things like autonomous drone swarms can be overlooked. This goes double as this is post-Great Rift, where Guilliman's protection of Cawl's tech heresies (one of which includes AI-tech) has the AdMech inching closer to another civil war.

'''[[Space Marines]]:''' Here as usual. Depicted in [[Primaris Marines|Primary-sue]] armour, so this bright and happy tale is happening post-[[Great Rift]]. Naturally, they're using the [[Ultramarines|Ultrasmurfs]], as they're "[[Matt Ward|bravest of all the heroic Space Marines]]", and not because they're just the most easily recognizable Chapter that gets the most publicity, honest.

'''[[Necrons]]:''' The cold and unfeeling "enslaving tyrants" we all know and purge, probably chosen because killing robots is much more family-friendly than shooting at living things, and some of their [[Gauss|primary weapons]] kill cleanly too. Them keeping slaves can be brushed off as an individual Phaeron's insanity, as there are dynasties who enjoy having slave/pet races, and some of those living under their thumb [[Heresy|even enjoy decent living standards]] as Necrons have no need for manual slave work with their techno-sorcery. Of course, [[Nemesor Zahndrekh|every]] [[Illuminor Szeras|canon]] [[Trazyn the Infinite|Necron]] that ''does'' take prisoners does so for reasons such as [[Grimdark|personal insanity, acquiring test subjects for deadly experiments or to have them <s> frozen in Carbonite </s> trapped forever as a living diorama]]. Though in retrospect, Trazyn being an evil space collector who traps living beings to keep as exibits and '''ART''' he actually would make a pretty good kid-adventure villian (leaving out the eternal agony parts in regards to some of his captives).

=== Age of Sigmar ===

'''Elio:''' Token black kid from the realm of life. His medical skills are "second to none", presumably among his age bracket of a mere 14 years. Obsessive about plants, but apparently interested in all critters great and small, up to and including monsters like [[manticore]]s. Also, he's not much of a fighter - because that's not a concern with giant man-eating monsters, right? Basically the embodiment of the gentle giant/pacifist healer trope, in a setting where people like that exist to be fed to Chaos warriors to show the audience how evil they are.

'''Alish:''' A 12 year old from the Realm of Light, who is "restless, inquisitive and highly intelligent" and has the instinctive ability to repair "almost any mechanical device". She also loves inventing and has apparently designed and built everything from clocks to airships, despite being 12. Mary Sue classic. And to make her extra stupid, the one thing she refuses to build is weapons, despite A) walking around with a sodding huge hammer and B) living in the monster and barbarian filled world of AoS where access to weapons can and will save lives. Basically Zelia, but in fantasy.

'''Kiri:''' At fifteen, she seems to be the oldest of the bunch, coming from the realm of metal. Kiri is "as strong and steadfast as steel" who was raised in the barbarian slave camps of Aqshy (because the whole character would probably have been a lot different if it was a Slanneshi warband) where she learned to fight as soon as she could walk. "Somehow this harsh life hasn't made her cruel or resentful" - direct quote, and we're pretty bloody surprised too. She uses a slingshot. She fought in chaos gladiator pits '''and won''' with a ''slingshot.''

'''[[Stormcast Eternals]]:''' As they are. Nothing particularly odd or inaccurate in their bio blurb - they even mentioned the whole "died and was reborn" bit.

'''Darkoath Barbarians:''' One of many tribes serving <s>[[Chaos]]</s> [[Derp|the forces of Evil]] (they're probably lumping all non-Order Grand Alliances into one big "bad guys" group, because Order ''totally'' lacks [[Drycha|any]] [[Daughters of Khaine|dark]] [[Idoneth Deepkin|side]]). Plundering, pillaging, enslaving... typical villain stuff. Their name is still less stupid than 99% of what GW Legal's shat out, though.

==Reception==
Initial reception has been [[Skub|polarizing]], to say the least. Many consider this series a futile attempt to dilute the grimdarkness of both Warhammer settings to try and appeal to a younger demographic, with the slim but worrying possibility of the dumbing-down and "modern" approach to writing working its way into the setting proper in a greedy lunge for Daddy's credit card. ([[End Times|It's not like GW isn't known for terrible ideas, after all.]]) Characters hating weaponry, gleefully searching xenotech and running away from conscription in 40k certainly don't give people that much confidence, leading to pointed questions regarding how they would deal with darker groups like Dark Eldar/Elves, Daughter of Khaine, Idoneth Deepkin, Chaos, Undead or Tyranids; when asked, Black Library deflected the question or gave non-answers to the effect of "very carefully." There's also the argument that many kids prefer fantasizing about character older than them, and that by making the protagonist kids, they are invariably just making it corny and unappealing to the very audience they want to attract.

Defenders argue that this could be an opportunity to flesh out groups and aspects of the setting that often get ignored, showing positive aspects of the galaxy in a setting so focused on grimdark. There's also the possibility of new mini-lines being produced, probably somewhat cheaper than the mainline series to not scare children (or their parents) away, which could help flesh out the more neglected armies, assuming they don't just keep drowning us in Spacesigmarines and Stormhammer shit because that's what Marketing wants to sell. And the most obvious benefit being that parent gamers will be able to introduce their younger children to the setting with age-appropriate material before weening them into the more mature stuff (like it is meant for ages 8-12, older people aren't suppose to like it) thus giving young kids more options.

Considering that GW themselves have said that their ideal demographic is “an intelligent 18 year old,” it's somewhat baffling why they’ve chosen to write for a demographic so young. At best, they should have started with young teens, giving them more room to stay closer to the grimdark of 40k while still being able to pull back. Perhaps their reasoning is that younger kids are easier to sell merchandise to, which is probably true if properties like Skylanders are anything to go by. That being said, we don’t know what’s GW’s long-term strategies are for drawing in and maintaining this younger demographic, or what the parent’s reactions will be when their kids start screaming “BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD” or “HERESY” at every opportunity.

Ultimately, market performance alone will probably put paid to Warhammer Adventures. Expect a few months, maybe a year, to go by of ''nobody'' buying it, either for their kids or [[Heresy|themselves]], after which GW will probably just sheepishly sweep their little failed experiment under the rug and join us in pretending it never existed. Considering just how smartly GW's been handling their relationship with the fanbase lately, it's actually hard to imagine them just bulling forward with such a stupid idea once it becomes clear that nobody's interested. In the unlikely event that it catches on (or the slightly more likely event that the project is kept alive for the sake of internal or external politics) and GW invests more resources into it, consider learning the history of Magic: The Gathering to see where that particular slippery slope will lead.

==Gallery of Memes==
One of the few good things to spring from the announcement of Warhammer Adventures is the number of lulzy images produced by /tg/ as anons interpret what little they know in their own "unique" way.
<gallery>
File:WHAdventuresWTF.jpg|Everyone's first reaction upon reading Zelia's bio
File:WHA-Commissar.jpg|The Commissar's first reaction upon reading Talen's bio
File:WHA-Mekki.gif|The Mechanicus' first reaction upon reading Mekki's bio
File:WHA-TheNecroning.png|How the Necron book is most likely going to end
File:WHA-ChaosSchoolbus.jpg|"Hey kids! Today we're going to learn about MURDERFUCKING!"
File:WHA-Scooby.jpg|"Jeepers! It was old man Abbadon the whole time!"
File:Warhammer Adventures.jpg|They ripped-off the rip-off!
File:WHA-Thanos.jpeg|This is why you don't play in front of the anti-tank guns, kids.
File:90EE3FA4-8EF1-43A7-AE7A-6CC30E92D56D.jpeg|Preview of the upcoming Dark Eldar Book (the next line is "I've got candy").
File:Look_what_i_found_mom%2C_an_alien%21.jpg| Look what I found, mom, an alien! Can we keep it?
File:WHA-ZeliaLore.jpg|Lore-friendly Zelia
File:WHA-TalenLore.jpg|Lore-friendly Talen
File:WHA-MekkiLore.jpg|Lore-friendly Mekki
File:Warhammer adventures.jpg|A sneak peek into the secret psyker character.
File:WHA-Chaos.jpg|"The spiky guy said he'd take us all over the galaxy, surely we can trust him!"
File:Change.jpg|Pictured; Zelia's father, Zelia's father's second-in-command, Zelia's half-brother (in the bag), unnamed warrior from the Kabal of the Black Heart.
</gallery>
[[Category:Games Workshop]]
[[Category:Literature]]
[[Category:Age of Sigmar]]
[[Category:Black Library]]
[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]]

Racial Holy War

2018-08-11T19:52:24Z

2600:1700:19C0:2760:AC6F:5DC5:54DA:2206: You're probably the only one remotely offended by that, m8

{{Fail}}
{{Template:Heresy}}
[[Image:RHW.jpg|thumb|right|For those whose Klansman's Hoods are on backwards (and also [[/pol/]]).]]
{{topquote|I don't know whether to give it to a scientist to examine or a priest to exorcise!|Nostalgia Critic (regarding the Garbage Pail Kids movie, but it works here too)}}

Veterans of [[1d4chan]] and [[/tg/]] in general will notice that when we tend to review and, more commonly, openly make fun of shitty RPGs, we still tend to discuss what positive features they have, if any. For example, [[Ironclaw]] may be sort of fail, but it works fine once [[Ironclaw/Furless|the furries are removed from the setting]]. Conversely, you have settings which have few directly appreciable features, but are so eminently mockable that one can't help but get a chuckle out of it. [[Poison'd]] and references to Esophagus-fucking may be a great example of this phenomenon, though the ur-example remains [[FATAL]], which for all of its hideously broken design, is a fucking singularity of humor that allows for borderline-infinite mockery. [[Anal Circumference]] alone has led to countless lulz on /tg/ and beyond.

And then you have '''Racial Holy War''', also known as '''RaHoWa''', which has ''none'' of these redeeming features.

It is below contempt, even if you're not racially/ethnically sensitive or even disapprove of racism altogether. It is not an RPG you can really make fun of for laughs because of its complete idiocy - everything about it is just devoid of humor. It somehow manages to out-do FATAL as being the worst RPG made, because whilst FATAL may be completely defunct mechanically, FATAL at least can, like a shitty movie being MST3Ked, get a laugh out of someone for ''being'' that broken and having ideas ''that'' stupid. Out-doing FATAL in badness is an achievement in and of itself, but RaHoWa takes it to the nth degree.

Putting it simply: RaHoWa is a White Supremacist RPG, an RPG that is made by - and for - the sort of people who cherry-picked the worst of [[Nazi|Hitler]]'s short-lived ideals (apparently forgetting that Hitler eventually [[retcon|retconned]] his early racism during his escapades in WW2) and still biting into the whole concept of: "Whites are the best because we're white and our god told us we are." It is a ridiculous attempt to lionize this belief as a form of propaganda - in RPG format, of course. Its concept and setting are beyond /tg/'s ability to make ostensibly humorous via mockery. It is broken ruleset-wise - because of course it is - however, the fact that it adds a dimension of glorifying a mindset that is all too happy to grab Humanitarian ideals by their proverbial ankles and drag them, screaming, to the Lovecraftian depths is what pushes it over the pale, as the mindset it espouses has led to countless atrocities and horrors.

Seriously, [[FATAL]] is infinitely ''less'' cringe-worthy than this shit. At least FATAL has humor in its shock value. RaHoWa has none of that. It's ''almost'' too stupid to be offensive, ''almost'' too pathetic to hate, and too disgusting to pity.

==Premise==
The synopsis of RaHoWa is that in the not-so-distant future, the world is on the edge of collapse, and it's all the doing of the evil non-white races and their insidious Jewish masterminds, having reduced the superior white race to a downtrodden minority (which, as always, begs the obvious question how the allegedly-superior white race was able to be so thoroughly outmaneuvered by the Jews in the first place). Fortunately for the world (but not for our sanity) a team of brave White Warriors (read: The Players) emerges in the hopes of "cleansing the world of all the vermin" (yes, this is an actual quote from the game).

Throw in such great missions as "destroying a drug cartel run by awful [[What|latrinos]]," and you have a strong case for this being the only RPG in history that makes FATAL look slightly better by comparison; that's right. Yes, folks, the bar has once again been lowered with the force of a tactical nuke. Thanks a fucking ''bunch'', Reverend Molyneux.

==Mechanics==
When you open with a premise of blind racial genocide on the premise of "muh racial superiority", the only direction you have to go is straight down, unless your game is saved by a relatively decent ruleset that can still be fun to use in some way, making it infamously memorable. Unfortunately for RaHoWa and fortunately for us, RaHoWa fails just as much at being an actual RPG. In fact, just classifying it as an RPG is a grave blasphemy to the legacy of the genre in general; even FATAL has a remotely functional dice system, inane and stupid as it is.

Character creation is a relatively boring affair, with a similar points-based attribute system to most RPGs - the problem is that what these attributes actually do is only mentioned in passing, if at all. From there, you choose a class and the skills of your choice, which include Clothesmaking (suggested uses for it include making swastika shirts), [[Video games]], and [[Ecclesiarchy|Holy Books of Creativity]], the latter of which involves "the study and enlightenment of the greatest books ever written- Nature’s Eternal Religion and The White Man’s Bible", which somehow manage to heal the White Warriors by "soothing and inspiring them". You can even heal yourself by giving yourself a speech!

For the combat part, you only have 3 generic weapons: a handgun, assault rifle, and shotgun. From here, you can pretty much see how downhill things go for combat: weapon selection is so god damn basic that there's no fun to be had in variety. But all this is nothing compared to the biggest problem of all that pretty much breaks the game in half - [[FAIL|weapons themselves have no rules or stats, and there's not even a rule that explains how to calculate a player's base accuracy]]. This makes it essentially unplayable [[Derp|as there is no way to tell whether or not your attacks hit an enemy]], because of this you can only assume that your weapons are actually imaginary guns that you attempt to materialize by making gunshot sounds with your mouth and positioning your hands like you're holding a gun, which would explain more how you're unable to hit anything at all.

Although the mental image of the last hope of the "White Empire" being completely incapable of fighting even the weakest enemies is certainly hilarious, it also makes it abundantly clear that the writers simply didn't care enough to even check if their game was complete before printing it out. One wonders if the authors involved with the creation of this game even played a single RPG before trying to make their own.

==Enemies==
As one last bit of flaming stupidity, the game takes unnecessary pleasure in categorizing enemy NPCs into ethnic stereotypes, each with their own special attack. It isn't even good if taken as a joke; it is completely devoid of any comedic material for even the most ethnically offensive comedian to use. It also makes whites the weakest race in the game since they are the only ones that don't get a special attack, demolishing its own claims about whites being superior. These special attacks have their use fully explained, which means that the writer was more interested in pushing his views than making his game playable.
*Niggers: "Smelly, stupid creatures" which can reduce PCs' accuracy via their [[Luke|body odor]], which is ironic given the average racist neckbeard who never touched a girl is cleaner.
*Latrinos: "Lazy and criminal vermin" ([[Games Workshop|gee, that sounds familiar]]) with the ability to strike first in combat. (Because they sneak across the border so much, get it? So funny I forgot to laugh.) (Hey, I thought they were lazy. Shouldn't they attack last? These fucks can't keep their own propaganda straight for a full sentence.) Also, yes, the book consistently calls them "Latrinos".
*Sand Niggers: "Scumbags" that have "declared the White Race as one of their many enemies in their 'Jihad' or holy war" (ironic given that "holy war" is in the fucking title) which can try to blow themselves up to attack.
*Gooks: "Timid, annoying, slanty-eyed pieces of excrement that so desperately wish they were White" which can gain extra attacks in hand-to-hand combat from watching "fake martial arts movies", which makes you wonder how they would gain extra attacks if the movies are fake.
*Kikes: "The worst and most evil parasites that the world has ever seen" who can bribe the PCs with [[Meme|jewgold]] to skip their turn, courtesy of the power of "brain pollution". (Which, paradoxically, pretty much destroys the premise of the White Warriors as "superior" beings and more of them being hypocritical race traitors who sold their race for money. As we've said previously, these people have the fluff-writing skills that would make the likes of [[Matthew Ward|Matt Ward]] and [[C.S. Goto]] seem like [[Dan Abnett]] in comparison.)

==So in Conclusion...==

Racial Holy War is a perfect example of something so terribly awful it can't even be used an example of how ''not'' to do something. If you desperately want to lose friends, there is no sure faster way then presenting this to them and going on about what a great idea you think it is. About the only good thing to come out of it is some horrible jokes that it's about as close as one can get to a Pen-and-Paper version of [[/pol/]], and even that's debatable. While [[FATAL]] can at least be delivered to one's roleplay group as some sort of sadistic April Fools joke due to its , Racial Holy War truly has ''no'' redeemable qualities whatsoever. Its only function is propaganda that ought to remain hidden somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle, with its unfunny racial stereotypes, broken mechanics and incomprehensible fluff accessible only by those too stupid to live.

==Creator==
Many neckbeards and ca/tg/irls may ask themselves; who the fuck created this mess?

The creator is a lesser-known (thank the [[Emperor]]) racist priest of an obscure white supremacist cult calling itself the "Creativity Movement" which just happens to have the idea of a "Racial Holy War" as a part of its doctrines (hence the ranting about the Holy Book of Creativity, their equivalent of the Bible), "game" creator and lobotomy recipient known as Reverend Molyneaux. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_Molyneux No, not that Molyneux] [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stefan_Molyneux or that Molyneux].

His "works", if you can even call it that, consist of RaHoWa, a shitty blog, and his hilariously exaggerated to the point of vomit-inducement white supremacy fapfic known as [[Imperium of Man|"White Empire"]], which features a [[Mary Sue|Gary Lu self-insert]], wannabe Punisher and Tom-Cruise-in-Top-Gun-ripoff known as "John Granger" who neutron bombs simple African villages, wasting enormous resources to blow up a bunch of tribals in loinclothes. Then he loses a friend to a Jewish suicide bomber, tries to avenge him in a failed infiltration to an underground race-mixing disco, and failing spectacularly: [[FAIL|even his Garty Stu insert fails to prevent more deaths and suddenly quits the intelligence agency he just was vetted and taken in a single mission]]. Then he joins the extermination of Chinese in an Asian campaign, and kills some Jewish nuclear combat engineers on the Asian side. The story then ends abruptly as the next generation children go around LARP'ing King Arthur's knights and the world celebrates victory.

Oh, also men of the white empire are [[Elf|vegan, fruitarian, eat raw vegetables and nuts,]] [[Gay|work out like fuck, admire each other's manly skills and muscles and assets]] while women are in the back as childmakers. Make of that what you will.

==External Links==
*[http://web.archive.org/web/20080212094700/http://atrocities.primaryerror.net/rahowasucks.html] A review of RaHoWa.
*[http://creativityalliance.com/eBook-KennethMolyneaux-RacialHolyWarTheGame.pdf PDF] of Racial Holy War. Best played in between cross-burnings.
*[http://revkennethmolyneaux.blogspot.ca/] The author's shitty blog, for those of you with morbid curiosity.
[[Category:Roleplaying]]
[[Category:FAIL]]

Warhammer Adventures

2018-08-11T18:52:35Z

2600:1700:19C0:2760:AC6F:5DC5:54DA:2206: /* Reception */

{{WTF}}
{{Heresy}}
{{Stub}}
'''Warhammer Adventures''' is a series of Middle Grade (ages 8 to 12) novels published by [[Black Library]] and based on [[Age of Sigmar]] and [[Warhammer 40,000 8th edition]]. Each novel will feature a group of children going on ''amazing adventures,'' like in every Middle Grade novel ever released. Given that this generic plot template is being applied by freelance writers with little to no experience writing for Warhammer to settings filled with overpowered capeshit assholes and overpowered grimderp assholes, respectively, expect canon rape to ensue. The whole series has been described by Black Library in a Facebook comment as: "The Grim Darkness of the far future, but with a nightlight on".

Fucking fantastic. The death threats have already started rolling in, by the way.

==Novels==
===Warped Galaxies (40k)===
*''Attack of the Necron'' by [[wikipedia:Cavan Scott|Cavan Scott]]
===Realm Quest (Age of Sigmar)===
*''City of Lifestone'' by <strike>Loki</strike> Tom Huddleston

==Characters==
Something you'll notice is that both settings follow a particular set of generic token characters: a peace-loving leader, a brash misfit of a brawler, and a prodigal artisan. Who, despite never going past their teenage years, are somehow just as, if not more, proficient as full-grown professionals in their settings.

Yep, the writers either have teenage fanfic-tier writing abilities, or else they're pulling from every YA novel cliche possible. Bear in mine this is an officially-endorsed novel by GW and not something you dug out of the crusty underbelly of Deviant Art or fanfiction.net that you read for laughs; on the other hand, sometimes it's hard to tell them apart anyway (see also: [[C.S. Goto]]).

=== 40k ===

'''Zelia:''' The female leader (and also the token black) that every young adult novel seems legally required to have these days. A young daughter of an [[Rogue Trader|galactic explorer]], she [[Heresy|helps her mom dig up ancient alien artifacts]] and [[Derp|hates weapons in a setting where everything that's alien and most things that aren't actively try to kill you.]] Instead she believes that the best way to overcome fear is by [[Magnus|learning]]. Voted most likely to be slowly tortured to death by the [[Inquisition]] for seeking out [[Chaos|the truth]].

'''Talen:''' The son of an [[Imperial Guard|Imperial Guard officer]], Talen decided to run away from home to [[Heresy|avoid military conscription]] and became a hive ganger. He's fairly aggressive and kind of a brute; however, that is offset by his [[noblebright|loyalty to his friends]]. Expect someone to make a greenstuff version of him as a [[Necromunda]] Juve. He carries around a [[miniature|toy Soldier]] which is one of the only reminders he has of his older brother who went off to war. All in all, the only character whose preview is not a fluff-rape of [[C.S. Goto|multilasered]] proportions. It would be ironic if his gang got conscripted by the Imperial Guard anyway, as they are wont to do - he just better hope that the Commissar never finds out about the whole desertion thing.

'''Mekki:''' Pretty much your average [[Techpriest]] but younger. He hails from [[Mars]] and is described as an [[Heretek|inventor]], due to his creation of a small robotic swarm that assist him with certain duties. His right arm is paralyzed so instead of doing the normal, cool Mechanicus thing and replacing it with cybernetics he decides to just build a brace to help him move it. Omnissiah only knows why he wasn't forcefully re-purposed as a [[servitor]] for his blatant tech-heresy yet, especially considering he's from Mars and not some backwater Forge World where things like autonomous drone swarms can be overlooked. This goes double as this is post-Great Rift, where Guilliman's protection of Cawl's tech heresies (one of which includes AI-tech) has the AdMech inching closer to another civil war.

'''[[Space Marines]]:''' Here as usual. Depicted in [[Primaris Marines|Primary-sue]] armour, so this bright and happy tale is happening post-[[Great Rift]]. Naturally, they're using the [[Ultramarines|Ultrasmurfs]], as they're "[[Matt Ward|bravest of all the heroic Space Marines]]", and not because they're just the most easily recognizable Chapter that gets the most publicity, honest.

'''[[Necrons]]:''' The cold and unfeeling "enslaving tyrants" we all know and purge, probably chosen because killing robots is much more family-friendly than shooting at living things, and some of their [[Gauss|primary weapons]] kill cleanly too. Them keeping slaves can be brushed off as an individual Phaeron's insanity, as there are dynasties who enjoy having slave/pet races, and some of those living under their thumb [[Heresy|even enjoy decent living standards]] as Necrons have no need for manual slave work with their techno-sorcery. Of course, [[Nemesor Zahndrekh|every]] [[Illuminor Szeras|canon]] [[Trazyn the Infinite|Necron]] that ''does'' take prisoners does so for reasons such as [[Grimdark|personal insanity, acquiring test subjects for deadly experiments or to have them <s> frozen in Carbonite </s> trapped forever as a living diorama]]. Though in retrospect, Trazyn being an evil space collector who traps living beings to keep as exibits and '''ART''' he actually would make a pretty good kid-adventure villian (leaving out the eternal agony parts in regards to some of his captives).

=== Age of Sigmar ===

'''Elio:''' Token black kid from the realm of life. His medical skills are "second to none", presumably among his age bracket of a mere 14 years. Obsessive about [[Drycha|plants]], but apparently interested in all critters great and small, up to and including monsters like [[manticore]]s. Also, he's not much of a fighter - because that's not a concern with giant man-eating monsters, right? Basically the embodiment of the gentle giant/pacifist healer trope, in a setting where people like that exist to be fed to Chaos warriors to show the audience how evil they are.

'''Alish:''' A 12 year old from the Realm of Light, who is "restless, inquisitive and highly intelligent" and has the instinctive ability to repair "almost any mechanical device". She also loves inventing and has apparently designed and built everything from clocks to airships, despite being 12. Mary Sue classic. And to make her extra stupid, the one thing she refuses to build is weapons, despite A) walking around with a sodding huge hammer and B) living in the monster and barbarian filled world of AoS where access to weapons can and will save lives. Basically Zelia, but in fantasy.

'''Kiri:''' At fifteen, she seems to be the oldest of the bunch, coming from the realm of metal. Kiri is "as strong and steadfast as steel" who was raised in the barbarian slave camps of Aqshy (because the whole character would probably have been a lot different if it was a Slanneshi warband) where she learned to fight as soon as she could walk. "Somehow this harsh life hasn't made her cruel or resentful" - direct quote, and we're pretty bloody surprised too. She uses a slingshot. She fought in chaos gladiator pits '''and won''' with a ''slingshot.''

'''[[Stormcast Eternals]]:''' As they are. Nothing particularly odd or inaccurate in their bio blurb - they even mentioned the whole "died and was reborn" bit.

'''Darkoath Barbarians:''' One of many tribes serving <s>[[Chaos]]</s> [[Derp|the forces of Evil]] (they're probably lumping all non-Order Grand Alliances into one big "bad guys" group, because Order ''totally'' lacks [[Drycha|any]] [[Daughters of Khaine|dark]] [[Idoneth Deepkin|side]]). Plundering, pillaging, enslaving... typical villain stuff. Their name is still less stupid than 99% of what GW Legal's shat out, though.

==Reception==
Initial reception has been [[Skub|polarizing]], to say the least. Many consider this series a futile attempt to dilute the grimdarkness of both Warhammer settings to try and appeal to a younger demographic, with the slim but worrying possibility of the dumbing-down and "modern" approach to writing working its way into the setting proper in a greedy lunge for Daddy's credit card. ([[End Times|It's not like GW isn't known for terrible ideas, after all.]]) Characters hating weaponry, gleefully searching xenotech and running away from conscription in 40k certainly don't give people that much confidence, leading to pointed questions regarding how they would deal with darker groups like Dark Eldar/Elves, Daughter of Khaine, Idoneth Deepkin, Chaos, Undead or Tyranids; when asked, Black Library deflected the question or gave non-answers to the effect of "very carefully." There's also the argument that many kids prefer fantasizing about character older than them, and that by making the protagonist kids, they are invariably just making it corny and unappealing to the very audience they want to attract.

Defenders argue that this could be an opportunity to flesh out groups and aspects of the setting that often get ignored, showing positive aspects of the galaxy in a setting so focused on grimdark. There's also the possibility of new mini-lines being produced, probably somewhat cheaper than the mainline series to not scare children (or their parents) away, which could help flesh out the more neglected armies, assuming they don't just keep drowning us in Spacesigmarines and Stormhammer shit because that's what Marketing wants to sell. And the most obvious benefit being that parent gamers will be able to introduce their younger children to the setting with age-appropriate material before weening them into the more mature stuff (like it is meant for ages 8-12, older people aren't suppose to like it) thus giving young kids more options.

Considering that GW themselves have said that their ideal demographic is “an intelligent 18 year old,” it's somewhat baffling why they’ve chosen to write for a demographic so young. At best, they should have started with young teens, giving them more room to stay closer to the grimdark of 40k while still being able to pull back. Perhaps their reasoning is that younger kids are easier to sell merchandise to, which is probably true if properties like Skylanders are anything to go by. That being said, we don’t know what’s GW’s long-term strategies are for drawing in and maintaining this younger demographic, or what the parent’s reactions will be when their kids start screaming “BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD” or “HERESY” at every opportunity.

Ultimately, market performance alone will probably put paid to Warhammer Adventures. Expect a few months, maybe a year, to go by of ''nobody'' buying it, either for their kids or [[Heresy|themselves]], after which GW will probably just sheepishly sweep their little failed experiment under the rug and join us in pretending it never existed. Considering just how smartly GW's been handling their relationship with the fanbase lately, it's actually hard to imagine them just bulling forward with such a stupid idea once it becomes clear that nobody's interested. In the unlikely event that it catches on (or the slightly more likely event that the project is kept alive for the sake of internal or external politics) and GW invests more resources into it, consider learning the history of Magic: The Gathering to see where that particular slippery slope will lead.

==Gallery of Memes==
One of the few good things to spring from the announcement of Warhammer Adventures is the number of lulzy images produced by /tg/ as anons interpret what little they know in their own "unique" way.
<gallery>
File:WHAdventuresWTF.jpg|Everyone's first reaction upon reading Zelia's bio
File:WHA-Commissar.jpg|The Commissar's first reaction upon reading Talen's bio
File:WHA-Mekki.gif|The Mechanicus' first reaction upon reading Mekki's bio
File:WHA-TheNecroning.png|How the Necron book is most likely going to end
File:WHA-ChaosSchoolbus.jpg|"Hey kids! Today we're going to learn about MURDERFUCKING!"
File:WHA-Scooby.jpg|"Jeepers! It was old man Abbadon the whole time!"
File:Warhammer Adventures.jpg|They ripped-off the rip-off!
File:WHA-Thanos.jpeg|This is why you don't play in front of the anti-tank guns, kids.
File:90EE3FA4-8EF1-43A7-AE7A-6CC30E92D56D.jpeg|Preview of the upcoming Dark Eldar Book (the next line is "I've got candy").
File:Look_what_i_found_mom%2C_an_alien%21.jpg| Look what I found, mom, an alien! Can we keep it?
File:WHA-ZeliaLore.jpg|Lore-friendly Zelia
File:WHA-TalenLore.jpg|Lore-friendly Talen
File:WHA-MekkiLore.jpg|Lore-friendly Mekki
File:Warhammer adventures.jpg|A sneak peek into the secret psyker character.
File:WHA-Chaos.jpg|"The spiky guy said he'd take us all over the galaxy, surely we can trust him!"
File:Change.jpg|Pictured; Zelia's father, Zelia's father's second-in-command, Zelia's half-brother (in the bag), unnamed warrior from the Kabal of the Black Heart.
</gallery>
[[Category:Games Workshop]]
[[Category:Literature]]
[[Category:Age of Sigmar]]
[[Category:Black Library]]
[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]]

Warhammer Adventures

2018-08-11T18:51:56Z

2600:1700:19C0:2760:AC6F:5DC5:54DA:2206: /* Characters */

{{WTF}}
{{Heresy}}
{{Stub}}
'''Warhammer Adventures''' is a series of Middle Grade (ages 8 to 12) novels published by [[Black Library]] and based on [[Age of Sigmar]] and [[Warhammer 40,000 8th edition]]. Each novel will feature a group of children going on ''amazing adventures,'' like in every Middle Grade novel ever released. Given that this generic plot template is being applied by freelance writers with little to no experience writing for Warhammer to settings filled with overpowered capeshit assholes and overpowered grimderp assholes, respectively, expect canon rape to ensue. The whole series has been described by Black Library in a Facebook comment as: "The Grim Darkness of the far future, but with a nightlight on".

Fucking fantastic. The death threats have already started rolling in, by the way.

==Novels==
===Warped Galaxies (40k)===
*''Attack of the Necron'' by [[wikipedia:Cavan Scott|Cavan Scott]]
===Realm Quest (Age of Sigmar)===
*''City of Lifestone'' by <strike>Loki</strike> Tom Huddleston

==Characters==
Something you'll notice is that both settings follow a particular set of generic token characters: a peace-loving leader, a brash misfit of a brawler, and a prodigal artisan. Who, despite never going past their teenage years, are somehow just as, if not more, proficient as full-grown professionals in their settings.

Yep, the writers either have teenage fanfic-tier writing abilities, or else they're pulling from every YA novel cliche possible. Bear in mine this is an officially-endorsed novel by GW and not something you dug out of the crusty underbelly of Deviant Art or fanfiction.net that you read for laughs; on the other hand, sometimes it's hard to tell them apart anyway (see also: [[C.S. Goto]]).

=== 40k ===

'''Zelia:''' The female leader (and also the token black) that every young adult novel seems legally required to have these days. A young daughter of an [[Rogue Trader|galactic explorer]], she [[Heresy|helps her mom dig up ancient alien artifacts]] and [[Derp|hates weapons in a setting where everything that's alien and most things that aren't actively try to kill you.]] Instead she believes that the best way to overcome fear is by [[Magnus|learning]]. Voted most likely to be slowly tortured to death by the [[Inquisition]] for seeking out [[Chaos|the truth]].

'''Talen:''' The son of an [[Imperial Guard|Imperial Guard officer]], Talen decided to run away from home to [[Heresy|avoid military conscription]] and became a hive ganger. He's fairly aggressive and kind of a brute; however, that is offset by his [[noblebright|loyalty to his friends]]. Expect someone to make a greenstuff version of him as a [[Necromunda]] Juve. He carries around a [[miniature|toy Soldier]] which is one of the only reminders he has of his older brother who went off to war. All in all, the only character whose preview is not a fluff-rape of [[C.S. Goto|multilasered]] proportions. It would be ironic if his gang got conscripted by the Imperial Guard anyway, as they are wont to do - he just better hope that the Commissar never finds out about the whole desertion thing.

'''Mekki:''' Pretty much your average [[Techpriest]] but younger. He hails from [[Mars]] and is described as an [[Heretek|inventor]], due to his creation of a small robotic swarm that assist him with certain duties. His right arm is paralyzed so instead of doing the normal, cool Mechanicus thing and replacing it with cybernetics he decides to just build a brace to help him move it. Omnissiah only knows why he wasn't forcefully re-purposed as a [[servitor]] for his blatant tech-heresy yet, especially considering he's from Mars and not some backwater Forge World where things like autonomous drone swarms can be overlooked. This goes double as this is post-Great Rift, where Guilliman's protection of Cawl's tech heresies (one of which includes AI-tech) has the AdMech inching closer to another civil war.

'''[[Space Marines]]:''' Here as usual. Depicted in [[Primaris Marines|Primary-sue]] armour, so this bright and happy tale is happening post-[[Great Rift]]. Naturally, they're using the [[Ultramarines|Ultrasmurfs]], as they're "[[Matt Ward|bravest of all the heroic Space Marines]]", and not because they're just the most easily recognizable Chapter that gets the most publicity, honest.

'''[[Necrons]]:''' The cold and unfeeling "enslaving tyrants" we all know and purge, probably chosen because killing robots is much more family-friendly than shooting at living things, and some of their [[Gauss|primary weapons]] kill cleanly too. Them keeping slaves can be brushed off as an individual Phaeron's insanity, as there are dynasties who enjoy having slave/pet races, and some of those living under their thumb [[Heresy|even enjoy decent living standards]] as Necrons have no need for manual slave work with their techno-sorcery. Of course, [[Nemesor Zahndrekh|every]] [[Illuminor Szeras|canon]] [[Trazyn the Infinite|Necron]] that ''does'' take prisoners does so for reasons such as [[Grimdark|personal insanity, acquiring test subjects for deadly experiments or to have them <s> frozen in Carbonite </s> trapped forever as a living diorama]]. Though in retrospect, Trazyn being an evil space collector who traps living beings to keep as exibits and '''ART''' he actually would make a pretty good kid-adventure villian (leaving out the eternal agony parts in regards to some of his captives).

=== Age of Sigmar ===

'''Elio:''' Token black kid from the realm of life. His medical skills are "second to none", presumably among his age bracket of a mere 14 years. Obsessive about [[Drycha|plants]], but apparently interested in all critters great and small, up to and including monsters like [[manticore]]s. Also, he's not much of a fighter - because that's not a concern with giant man-eating monsters, right? Basically the embodiment of the gentle giant/pacifist healer trope, in a setting where people like that exist to be fed to Chaos warriors to show the audience how evil they are.

'''Alish:''' A 12 year old from the Realm of Light, who is "restless, inquisitive and highly intelligent" and has the instinctive ability to repair "almost any mechanical device". She also loves inventing and has apparently designed and built everything from clocks to airships, despite being 12. Mary Sue classic. And to make her extra stupid, the one thing she refuses to build is weapons, despite A) walking around with a sodding huge hammer and B) living in the monster and barbarian filled world of AoS where access to weapons can and will save lives. Basically Zelia, but in fantasy.

'''Kiri:''' At fifteen, she seems to be the oldest of the bunch, coming from the realm of metal. Kiri is "as strong and steadfast as steel" who was raised in the barbarian slave camps of Aqshy (because the whole character would probably have been a lot different if it was a Slanneshi warband) where she learned to fight as soon as she could walk. "Somehow this harsh life hasn't made her cruel or resentful" - direct quote, and we're pretty bloody surprised too. She uses a slingshot. She fought in chaos gladiator pits '''and won''' with a ''slingshot.''

'''[[Stormcast Eternals]]:''' As they are. Nothing particularly odd or inaccurate in their bio blurb - they even mentioned the whole "died and was reborn" bit.

'''Darkoath Barbarians:''' One of many tribes serving <s>[[Chaos]]</s> [[Derp|the forces of Evil]] (they're probably lumping all non-Order Grand Alliances into one big "bad guys" group, because Order ''totally'' lacks [[Drycha|any]] [[Daughters of Khaine|dark]] [[Idoneth Deepkin|side]]). Plundering, pillaging, enslaving... typical villain stuff. Their name is still less stupid than 99% of what GW Legal's shat out, though.

==Reception==
Initial reception has been [[Skub|polarizing]] , to say the least. Many consider this series a futile attempt to dilute the grimdarkness of both Warhammer settings to try and appeal to a younger demographic, with the slim but worrying possibility of the dumbing-down and "modern" approach to writing working its way into the setting proper in a greedy lunge for Daddy's credit card. ([[End Times|It's not like GW isn't known for terrible ideas, after all.]]) Characters hating weaponry, gleefully searching xenotech and running away from conscription in 40k certainly don't give people that much confidence, leading to pointed questions regarding how they would deal with darker groups like Dark Eldar/Elves, Daughter of Khaine, Idoneth Deepkin, Chaos, Undead or Tyranids; when asked, Black Library deflected the question or gave non-answers to the effect of "very carefully." There's also the argument that many kids prefer fantasizing about character older than them, and that by making the protagonist kids, they are invariably just making it corny and unappealing to the very audience they want to attract.

Defenders argue that this could be an opportunity to flesh out groups and aspects of the setting that often get ignored, showing positive aspects of the galaxy in a setting so focused on grimdark. There's also the possibility of new mini-lines being produced, probably somewhat cheaper than the mainline series to not scare children (or their parents) away, which could help flesh out the more neglected armies, assuming they don't just keep drowning us in Spacesigmarines and Stormhammer shit because that's what Marketing wants to sell. And the most obvious benefit being that parent gamers will be able to introduce their younger children to the setting with age-appropriate material before weening them into the more mature stuff (like it is meant for ages 8-12, older people aren't suppose to like it) thus giving young kids more options.

Considering that GW themselves have said that their ideal demographic is “an intelligent 18 year old,” it's somewhat baffling why they’ve chosen to write for a demographic so young. At best, they should have started with young teens, giving them more room to stay closer to the grimdark of 40k while still being able to pull back. Perhaps their reasoning is that younger kids are easier to sell merchandise to, which is probably true if properties like Skylanders are anything to go by. That being said, we don’t know what’s GW’s long-term strategies are for drawing in and maintaining this younger demographic, or what the parent’s reactions will be when their kids start screaming “BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD” or “HERESY” at every opportunity.

Ultimately, market performance alone will probably put paid to Warhammer Adventures. Expect a few months, maybe a year, to go by of ''nobody'' buying it, either for their kids or [[Heresy|themselves]], after which GW will probably just sheepishly sweep their little failed experiment under the rug and join us in pretending it never existed. Considering just how smartly GW's been handling their relationship with the fanbase lately, it's actually hard to imagine them just bulling forward with such a stupid idea once it becomes clear that nobody's interested. In the unlikely event that it catches on (or the slightly more likely event that the project is kept alive for the sake of internal or external politics) and GW invests more resources into it, consider learning the history of Magic: The Gathering to see where that particular slippery slope will lead.

==Gallery of Memes==
One of the few good things to spring from the announcement of Warhammer Adventures is the number of lulzy images produced by /tg/ as anons interpret what little they know in their own "unique" way.
<gallery>
File:WHAdventuresWTF.jpg|Everyone's first reaction upon reading Zelia's bio
File:WHA-Commissar.jpg|The Commissar's first reaction upon reading Talen's bio
File:WHA-Mekki.gif|The Mechanicus' first reaction upon reading Mekki's bio
File:WHA-TheNecroning.png|How the Necron book is most likely going to end
File:WHA-ChaosSchoolbus.jpg|"Hey kids! Today we're going to learn about MURDERFUCKING!"
File:WHA-Scooby.jpg|"Jeepers! It was old man Abbadon the whole time!"
File:Warhammer Adventures.jpg|They ripped-off the rip-off!
File:WHA-Thanos.jpeg|This is why you don't play in front of the anti-tank guns, kids.
File:90EE3FA4-8EF1-43A7-AE7A-6CC30E92D56D.jpeg|Preview of the upcoming Dark Eldar Book (the next line is "I've got candy").
File:Look_what_i_found_mom%2C_an_alien%21.jpg| Look what I found, mom, an alien! Can we keep it?
File:WHA-ZeliaLore.jpg|Lore-friendly Zelia
File:WHA-TalenLore.jpg|Lore-friendly Talen
File:WHA-MekkiLore.jpg|Lore-friendly Mekki
File:Warhammer adventures.jpg|A sneak peek into the secret psyker character.
File:WHA-Chaos.jpg|"The spiky guy said he'd take us all over the galaxy, surely we can trust him!"
File:Change.jpg|Pictured; Zelia's father, Zelia's father's second-in-command, Zelia's half-brother (in the bag), unnamed warrior from the Kabal of the Black Heart.
</gallery>
[[Category:Games Workshop]]
[[Category:Literature]]
[[Category:Age of Sigmar]]
[[Category:Black Library]]
[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]]