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Ferrus Manus

2017-06-05T06:26:47Z

2601:246:8200:D4:85C1:2368:3B:BD0B: /* In 40k? */

[[File:Ferrus Manus Pre-Haircut.jpg|300px|thumb|right|Ferrus Manus, The Gorgon, Wyrmslayer, The Great Iron-Father. It took over twenty five years to get a decent image of him, and he ended up looking like [[/co/|the Punisher]].]]
''"Do not wait to strike till the iron is hot; but make it hot by striking."''<br>
- William Butler Yeats

''"By turns our purity inspires and our impurity casts us down."''<br>
- Henry David Thoreau

'''Ferrus Manus''' was the [[Primarch]] of the [[Iron Hands]] [[Chapter]] of [[Space Marines]]. His hands are made of iron. His name is also Latin for "Iron Hand". Real subtle, GW. He got said hands after wrestling with a silver dragon on the planet he crashed on and dripped the lizard into magma and then the metallic skin of the dragon fused into the skin on his hands. Wait, living metal? [[Necron|That sounds oddly familiar for some reason...]] Anyway, his arms became so fucking hardcore that he did not even *need* a weapon to tear through dudes: his iron hands were more than enough.

[[meme|So in summary, Iron Hands, who had iron hands, was the leader of the Iron Hands, who give themselves iron hands in honour of the iron hands of Iron Hands of the Iron Hands.]]

He also got really pissed off if you called him [[Meme|THE HANDS OF FATE]] after that incident.

Ferrus, using his shiny metal hands, could make epic weapons that absolutely kick ass but he only used like one or two of them. It's not clear as to whether he or [[Vulkan]] was the best smith. Vulkan had better aesthetics, in that he could create things that actually looked pretty instead of just [[Leman Russ Battle Tank|ugly blocks of metal with guns haphazardly glued on]], but Ferrus certainly had the better way of making weapons, by punching them into shape with his bare fists. Vulkan also had a respect for geology, where Ferrus thought that details of a metal ended at its usefulness.

==History==
[[File:Ferrus Manus by John Blanche.JPG|150px|thumb|left|For a very long time this was one of only two officially produced images of Ferrus Manus, drawn by [[John Blanche]]. The other image showed only his backside. Ever get the feeling you're the unfavorite? Ferrus understands you.]]
Back in the days of the Great Crusade (before the good ol' [[Horus]] [[Heresy]]), Ferrus met [[Fulgrim]] of the [[Emperor's Children]] beneath Mount Narodnya, and challenged him to forge the best weapon that he could. After three months, Fulgrim forged an ornate warhammer, while Ferrus made a big blingy sword. After praising each other for their craftsmanship, the two exchanged weapons and became best friends.

Like Vulkan, he made a point of forging gear for most of his brothers. Although Vulkan was a bit uncomfortable with Ferrus' way of punching metal into shape and didn't use his dragon-headed flamer until the Heresy broke out. Examples of his work include Horus' sword and Lorgar's mace.

Until Fulgrim found a new [[Slaanesh|boyfriend/girlfriend/hermaphroditic freak]]. Then decided to screw over Ferrus, [[Fulgrim]] totally outmatched Ferrus with his [[heresy|HAWTNEZZ]] and Ferrus jacked the sword he made for his ex-boyfriend back. Some time later after some epic planning that would [[FAIL|EPICALLY FAIL]], Ferrus goes with other [[Space Marine|Primarchs]] to attempt to kick Fulgrim's and [[Horus|Horus's]] ass. But then they got totally fucked up by a bunch of reinforcements while Ferrus challenges Fulgrim... until he becomes Slaanesh's boyfriend; and proceeds to cut Ferrus Manus's head off. Horus was pretty fucking pissed at this.

Ironically, Ferrus' death was caused by the same self-flagellating urge that drives his sons to turn themselves into cyborgs. Fulgrim came to convert him to Horus' side; to Ferrus this meant there was some flaw inside him that needed to be expunged by killing Fulgrim. This was why the Iron Hands stayed in the field when everyone else disengaged, and got screwed over harder than everyone else.

Despite his anger at Fulgrim, Horus kept Ferrus's head, removing the remaining flesh and leaving it a bleached skull for his throne. Sometimes he would talk to it, lamenting that he had nothing but [[Magnus|dishonored]] and [[Konrad Curze|broken]] [[Angron|psychopaths]] instead of [[Sanguinius|angels]] and [[Roboute Guilliman|strategists]] as his generals. Waging a galaxy wide heresy is a tough job.

==In 40k?==
There is speculation ''(in-universe and out)'' that Ferrus Manus somehow lives, and is hidden away on Mars by the [[Adeptus Mechanicus]], though mentioning this to the Iron Hands gets them impressively angry, to the point that they might demonstrate how they think otherwise by using the speaker's own head. The marines who survived the Dropsite Massacre were in no doubt, having seen the visual evidence from multiple angles, but apparently the Iron Hands found the files too depressing and set about wiping their hard drive with a bolter. A projection of his soul was summoned by the Emperor during the final battle in the Webway, where it proceeded to wreck greater demon shit.

That being said, the [[Horus Heresy]] book series might currently be sowing the seeds of some sort of truth to the rumour... [[Fulgrim]] regretted not being able to convince Ferrus Manus into joining the side of the traitors, and so had [[Fabius Bile]] attempt to clone his brother with all of his memories intact so that Fulgrim might try again at turning Ferrus to [[Chaos]]. This [[FAIL|did not work]] as the cloned Ferrus would become hostile at the suggestion of turning traitor and would have to be killed by daemon-Fulgrim.

That didn't stop Fulgrim from trying again and again, believing that Fabius' cloning methods resulted in "imperfect" clones and so ordered him to try harder and create more, though fortunately, each one would get angry at the attempt to turn him away from the Emperor and end up getting beaten to death by his now-ascended brother. Guess even Daemon Primarchs can stay [[butthurt]] for millennia on end.

Another thing to note is that the Ferrus Manus clones ''did not'' have the metallic arms of the original, which is obvious since the original was not "born" with them either and only acquired them later in life. This fact was hidden from the clones by making them wear gauntlets, which the clones found confusing (the original Ferrus never needed gauntlets for protection since the metal skin was protective enough) but ended up rolling with, since their lives tended to be measured in hours. The "original" Ferrus Manus was hacked to pieces by traitor marines after being decapitated, with many taking away parts as trophies and Fulgrim likely taking 'some part to remember him by'. Guess. What happened to the original Ferrus' metallic arms remains a mystery but a number of interested parties cut shavings off them(finger bones) to use in the edges of ritual blades.

==The flesh is... strong?==
[[File:Ferrus_Manus.jpg|thumb|right|[[Drawfag|Artist's]] rendition of Ferrus Manus. Has the chin of TEN MEN!]]
Being the hardass flesh-haters that the Iron Hands are, one would suspect that Ferrus Manus might as well have been called Ferrus Clunis when it comes to the weakness of the flesh. In reality this is about as far from the reality as possible. The following is taken from the preface to a novel where the Iron Hands are portrayed as emotionless, flesh-hating, misanthropes:

''"They are not my hands. This fact is forgotten by my brothers - inexplicably, it has always seemed to me. The hands are strong, to be sure, and have created great things for us all, but they are not mine. And that counts for something. They forget that the silver on my arms comes from a beast that I vanquished. It is the mark of a great evil that I ended, and yet it persists within me... I would struggle to remove it now... I will not remove the silver from my flesh because I have learned to depend on it. The fault is with my mind. I rely on the augmentation given to me by my metal gauntlets, so much so that the flesh beneath them is now little more than a distant memory... A day will come when I will strip it from me, lest I lose the power to master myself forever. Already my Legion's warriors replace their shield hands with metal in my honour, and so they too are learning to doubt the natural strength of their bodies. They must be weaned off this practice before it becomes a mania for them. Hatred of what is natural, of what is human, is the first and greatest of the corruptions. So I record it here: when the time comes, I will strip my hands of their unnatural silver. I will instruct my Legion to recant their distrust of the flesh. I will turn them away from the gifts of the machine and bid them relearn the mysteries of flesh, bone and blood. When my fathers' Crusade is over, this shall be my sacred task. When the fighting is done, I shall cure my Legion and myself. For if fighting is all there is, if we may never pause to reflect on what such devotion to strength is doing to us, then our compulsion will only grow. Already I see the madness that path leads to, and so I shall excise the silver from my hands. In doing so I shall weaken myself and my sons, but nonetheless it must be done. The hands are strong, and have created great things, but they are not mine."''

With what the Iron Hands do by turning themselves into cyborgs, with only part of their brains being flesh, is as big of a [[Rage|FUCK YOU]] to the Primarch as possible. Or, they thought that his doctrine was lacking on account of him receiving a [[viking]] crewcut courtesy of his once best friend and felt that they needed to protect themselves from such a fate. Only some of them took this lesson WAY too hard and started resurrecting their dead as cryogenic zombie cyborgs, repeating the process so many time that the dead effectively became brain-dead machines. Either way, it puts the Iron Hands in an interesting light.

==On The Tabletop==
[[File:Ferrus-manus1.jpg|250px|thumb|right|Praise be to [[Forge World]] for the making of this! The head even comes as a seperate part...]]

{| border="1" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="5" align="left"
! || Pts || WS || BS || S || T || W || I || A || Ld || Sv
|-
| '''Ferrus Mannus:''' || 455 || 7 || 6 || 7 || 7 || 6 || 5 || 4 || 10 || 2+/3++
|}<br><br><br><br>
Ferrus Mannus is essentially God-King of Mars, functioning like a supreme Master Of The Forge Techmarine. In addition to all the fun godly powers given to all Primarchs, he also has Relentless and Smash, and straight up all ranged weapons fire at him at -1 strength value. At T7, that means boltguns, sluggas, and all manner of S4 shooty guns as are prevalent throughout all of 40k no longer have the chance of hurting him. Bringing him also makes your Legiones Astartes Iron Hands army function a lot like the 40k Chapter Tactics, in that all models gain Feel No Pain (6+) unless it already had one better.

He has Battlesmith and passes all repair rolls on a 3+ (That becomes a lovely 2+ thanks to his servo-arm). He also makes any of your vehicles with at least 1 AV of 13 or higher gain It Will Not Die. You are going to field tanks and Contemptor Dreadnoughts with this guy. He is good to them. His crazy 2+/3++ armor includes a Nuncio-Vox so Ferrus can help direct your heaping gobs of indirect tank fire, and it gives him a servo arm. It also lets him shoot two of his guns in the shooting phase, making him the shootiest primarch we currently have rules for, which include a Plasma Blaster, Graviton Gun, Grenade Harness or Heavy Flamer.

Lastly, his hammer Forgebreaker (that one forged by [[Fulgrim| Fulgrim]]) is "typical" Primarch stuff in that it's Sx2 Ap1 Concussive Strikedown. Not bad, Fulgrim, you pretty boy fuckhead. [[Dwarf Fortress|You make a pretty decent hammer]].

Considering his bonus Primarch powers are a force multiplier for a large tank army, and Legiones Astartes Iron Hands already gain several bonuses for tanks, you're bringing him with as many as you can field. Roll him alongside your tank columns so he can repair as you roll onward, knowing full well he can capably handle most any hand to hand unit thrown his way and is an excellent shot with powerful weapons in his own right.

He's very well designed for the simple reason that he makes the Iron Hands better at what they already excel at (not dying). The 6+ FNP has great synergy with Inviolate Armor, and if you're taking Head of the Gorgon (which you should), Predators and Vindicators can [[Awesome|Outflank and possibly regain 2HP a turn.]] That said, if he gets assaulted by a tarpit or if his transport is destroyed, he can have trouble making his points back. He's ultimately an average Primarch.

And yes, the model's head is detachable. (THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!!!)

==Ferrus Manus VS other Primarchs:==
<div class="toccolours mw-collapsible mw-collapsed" style="100%">
Primarch fighting, while fun to see, isn't a very competitive thing to do as it'll usually tie up both Primarchs for the entire game without either of them dying (Especially with someone like Ferrus, with T 7 and 2+/3++ as saves). With that in mind this section is how Ferrus Manus fares against other Primarchs Mathhammer wise. Please note that all the various abilities are taken into accounts when possible and the match-ups assume the Primarchs are the only ones involved in the fighting, so various abilities like Angron's "The Butcher's Nails" and Rampage do not provide any bonuses. In essence, the fights are supposed to be in a "Vacuum" for simplicity, but notes are added to make things clearer in particular instances. Also all of the Primarch use their most powerful weapons (because why have a contest if you don't do your best?) so naturally Ferrus is equipped with Forgebreaker. Also, don't ever forget that he comes with Servo Arm for that ever useful +1 attack at S8 Ap 2, even if Unwieldy.
<div class="mw-collapsible-content">

* Ferrus Manus VS Horus
**Horus hits 4.667 times (Worldbreaker), wounds 3.333 times, 1.111 after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.778 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Ferrus hits 2.5 times, wounds 2.0833 times, 0.694 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.361.
**As always, the Warmaster can't be put down. Although Ferrus can put up a decent fight thanks to his resilience.

* Ferrus Manus VS Angron
**Angron Round 1: hits 5.333 times, wounds 3.555 times, 1.185 after saves, and IWND take it down to 0.852.
**Angron Round 2: hits 4 times, wounds 2.666 times, 0.889 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.556 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Ferrus hits 2.5 times, wounds 2.083 times, 0.868 times after saves and FNP, and IWND will take that down to 0.535 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Again, thanks to his tankiness Ferrus can stalemate Angron (who does a lot of damage) to the point that he will kill him just one round before the Red Angel can actually kill him back. Also Strikedown make this easier since Ferrus will hit first from round 2 and thereafter.

* Ferrus vs Mortarion
**Mortarion hits 2.5 times, wounds 1.25 times, 0.416 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.083.
**Ferrus hits 2.5 times, wounds 2 times, 1 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.444 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Even though Mortarion is tough in the end Ferrus wins pretty easily thanks to his superior save and to his hammer

* Ferrus vs Fulgrim
**Ferrus hits 2.5 times, wounds 2.083 times, 0.694 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.361 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Fulgrim Round 1: hits 5.629 (Master-crafted) times, wounds 3.284 times (Child of Terra), 1.094 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.761 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Fulgrim Round 2 and thereafter: hits 3.611 times, wounds 2.107 times, 0.702 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.369 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**The infamous match! And also one of the closest, with the same outcome as the lore unless Fulgrim either has the Laer Blade or he doesn't have Child of Terra, in which case he doesn't really stand a chance. With the Hammer, Ferrus is like Fulgrim's worst nightmare, 'cause strikedown will go off even if the strike doesn't wound him, reducing his initiative to 4 and stripping him of all his advantages. In the end, Fulgrim will win on the 11th round, while Ferrus needs 12 rounds to come on top, so Fulgrim did really well to take the hammer away. Also, a really epic fight!
***'''Its worth noting that in the fluff during this duel Ferrus was fighting with Fireblade and Fulgrim with Forgebreaker. Here's how well that goes: against a primarch Fireblade is only a little better than just using his bare hands, though against most Primarchs Ferrus still wounds on a 2+ so it's all right for him. For Fulgrim though Forgebreaker is a HUGE upgrade. He goes from wounding of 4+ to 2+ thanks to strength 10. Most importantly Ferrus will no longer have Concussive to mitigate Fulgrim's sublime swordsman rules so he still gets more attacks. Even worse is that since Fulgrim can concuss Ferrus down to initiative 1, sublime swordsman will generate SEVEN additional attacks whenever concuss hits and hitting so much means it should be every turn. And even worse is that since Ferrus is down to initiative 1 a lot of the time, Blind is much much more likely to hit. It doesn't even matter if we make Forgebreaker unwieldy in Fulgrim's hands because unwieldy doesn't actually reduce initiative, it just makes you fight at that initiative step, and putting out so much more damage means striking at the same time simply doesn't matter. In the first turn Fulgrim should get that first unsaved wound to concuss and after that it gets disgusting. Once Fulgrim concusses Ferrus he gets 12(!) attacks (since sublime swordsman doesn't limit the bonus attacks it can give) hitting on 3+ (8 hits) wounding on 2+ (5.3 wounds) which is a frankly disgusting 3.5 wounds after saves. IWND will take that down to 3.177 but holy shit is Ferrus screwed. He dies after 3 rounds of combat and quite frankly he gets wrecked like a bitch. With Forgebreaker there's a reasonable chance that Fulgrim could take on Horus simply because the combination of sublime swordsman and concussive is just so powerful.'' '''Turns out Fulgrim WAS the better smith, after all.'''

* Ferrus VS Konrad Curze
**Curze hits 4 times, wounds 2.222 times, 0.741 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.407 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Ferrus hits 2.5 times, wounds 2.083 times, 1.042 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.709 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Ferrus win.
**Note: if Konrad use Hit and Run he can almost completely close the gap, doing 1.018 wounds on the turn he charges (counting his knives and HoW though). but when counting in Ferrus' overwatch he wins anyway. Just not so easily, making this fight akin to that of Ferrus vs Fulgrim, but a lot faster.

* Ferrus VS Vulkan
**Vulkan hits 2 times, wounds 1.666 times, 0.556 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.222 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Ferrus hits 2.5 times, wounds 2 times, 0.667 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.111 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**The fight between the two big tanks end in an almost surprising victory for Vulkan, 'cause even though Ferrus does marginally more damage, Vulkan is a bit tougher.

* Ferrus VS Lorgar
**Lorgar hits 2.5 times, wounds 1.667 times, 0.556 after saves and IWND will take that to 0.222 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Ferrus hits 3.333 times, wounds 2.0778 times, 1.389 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 1.056 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Ferrus win.
**Note: as always, psychic powers not included. You know how it would end anyway...

*Ferrus VS Perturabo
**Perturabo hits 2.667 times, wounds 2.222, 0.74 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.407 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Ferrus hits 2.5 times, wounds 2.083 times, 0.694 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.361 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**The mirror match! (yes, I used Forgebreaker for both of them. Yeah, I know it is stupid...) In the end Perturabo win thanks to his WS, since even with one more attack Ferrus hit marginally less times.
**Note: without the hammer(s) Ferrus would defeat Perturabo, 'cause he would wound Perturabo on a 3+ (2+ with the Servo Harm) wounding 1.75 times, with Perturabo wounding him on 4+ and so wounding him 1.333. Guess old Perty could use Fulgrim's hammer better, in the end.

* Ferrus VS Alpharius
**Alpharius hits 2.92 times and wounds 1.136 times, 0.379 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.045 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Ferrus hits 2.5 times, wounds 2.083 times, 1.042 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.709 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Ferrus easily win.

* Ferrus VS Rogal Dorn
**Dorn hits 2.667 times, wounds 1.481 times, 0.494 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.16 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Ferrus hits 2.5 times, wounds 1.667 times, 0.833 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.5 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Ferrus win.

* Ferrus VS Corvus Corax
**Corvus hits 4 times (Scourge)/3 times (Shadow-walk), wounds 2.222 times (Scourge)/1.667 times (Shadow-walk), 0.741 wounds (Scourge)/0.556 wounds (Shadow-walk) after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.408/0.222 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Ferrus hits 2.5/1.667 times, wounds 2.083/1.389 times, 1.389/0.926 wounds after saves and 1.056/0.592 wounds after IWND.
**Ferrus win.
**Note: if Corax can pull off his tactics of Hit & Run he can close the gap, doing a lot more damage on the charge, but Ferrus' Hammer has Concussive AND Strikedown, and even if Corax use Shadowalk there is a 93% chance he will receive at least one wound, making it almost impossible to rely on this tactics and assuring Ferrus victory.

* Ferrus VS Roboute Guilliman
**Guilliman Round 1: hits 2.5 times, wounds 2.083 times (Hand), 0.694 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.361 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Guilliman Round 2 and thereafter: hits 3.333 times, wounds 2.778 times, 0.926 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.593 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Ferrus: hits 2.5 times, wounds 2.083 times, 0.542 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.208 at the start of the next turn.
**Ferrus lose this fight.

* Ferrus VS Leman Russ
** Ferrus Round 1: Hits 1.33 times, wounds 1.11 times, saves take that down to 0.555 and IWND brings it down to 0.366.
** Ferrus Round 2: Hits 0.666 times, wounds 0.555 times, saves bring it down to 0.2777 wounds and IWND brings it down to 0.1833.
** Leman: Hits 4.667 times, wounds 2.068, saves bring it down to 0.6827 and IWND brings it down to 0.45604
** A long as hell fight, since Ferrus' high saves make him very hard for Leman to damage, but at the end of the day, his complete inability to damage Leman (after round 2, every wound takes upwards of 5 rounds due to his needing 6s to hit) means that Leman will eventually win. This isn't including Sever Life however, but while Ferrus' is more resistant to it than most (due to T7), it will add on to the damage which means he'll go down faster.

* TLDR version: Ferrus is a really tough Primarch that, thanks to his sheer resilience and high strength attack can put up a good fight against any other Primarch, being even capable of taking down the big melee monster that is Angron.

</div></div>

==External Links==

[https://youtu.be/RloxrSfOJR8 Ferrus isn't dead, he's just stuck inside his favourite 1991 video game.]

{{Primarchs}}
[[Category:Imperial]]

FATAL

2017-05-12T17:45:37Z

2601:246:8200:D4:85C1:2368:3B:BD0B:

{{Template:Heresy}}
{{/d/}}
{{Fail}}
[[Image:FakeFATALlogo.gif|center]]
[[Image:Fatal cover.jpg|300px|thumb|right|The "sanitized" cover]]
''Were you looking for [[FATAL_card_game|F.A.T.A.L. the card game]]? Please tell me you were looking for the card game.

'' "So basically, FATAL is the date rape RPG."'''''
<br>- Darren MacLennan in his and Jason Sartin's infamous review.

'' "Another faulty conclusion by Darren. '''Where is dating included?'''"''
<br>- Byron Hall, proving everyone right.

'''Fantasy Adventure to Adult Lechery''' is, in theory, an [[RPG]] that lets [[neckbeards]] live out their rape fantasies. The gaming community has more or less unanimously come to the conclusion that FATAL (aka "The Date Rape RPG...without the dating") is simply the worst RPG ever conceived. There is one documented occurrence of a game played. The rulebook (written by one Byron Hall and a few of his friends, who go by nicknames such as "Torturon", "Burnout", and "Satan") is as terribly mechanically written as it is obsessed with bizarre sexual perversions that make /d/ seem prudish by comparison. It is filled with enough pointless random charts and obtuse rules to deter even a veteran [[/d/M]] who has played ''[[Rolemaster]]'' for years. Quadratic equations are a requirement of most game mechanics. The [[Anal circumference]] table [[meme]] originates with FATAL.

The game was apparently revised and given a new name for the acronym. '''From Another Time, Another Land''' makes minor changes to the text (read: removes the magical armor that turns the wearer into an ethnic stereotype) but is still an abortion of gaming.

The FATAL Games website is now thankfully defunct. The current page is some kind of time portal to the 90's. However, some [[fags of 4chan|fine gentlemen]] at the Wayback Machine have archived it in all its neon-on-black-plastered-with-animated-gifs glory. [http://web.archive.org/web/20030205182630/www.fatalgames.com/fatal.html Enter at your own risk.]

==Mechanics==
...Are you sure? Are you ''absolutely'' sure?

...Okay, you asked for it.

The GM is called the "Aedile", because that's an actual Latin word for 'master of the coliseum games', or 'game-master' for short. What is it with authors of explicitly smutty rpg materials like this and "The Book of Erotic Fantasy" that they have to be pretentious dicks about it? (Answer: Because in the original version he was... wait for it... the '''Maim'''Master. You may now groan.)

The intro says you only need to know a little algebra, "and even that is relatively rare." It also says you only need two d10. Both of these are '''filthy lies'''. Ability scores are derived from averaging 'sub-abilities' rolled as '''(10[[d100]]/5)-1''' and modified by one of three different types of percentages, and conditions during the game may change your sub-abilities which means you need to recalculate your ability scores on-the-fly. Ability score checks are 3d10, so no you need more than two dice.

Apparently you'll need this "little algebra" because [[what|you solve quadratic formulas to find out whether or not your rape slave is pregnant]]. Then you roll [[What|d10,000,000]] to find out if she's going to have quintuplets. Jesus Christ.

The character sheet is '''eleven pages long'''. There are 20 sub-abilities (including "Enunciation" and "Spatial Intelligence"; also note that by this point in chargen you have already rolled your 2d10 eighty times), which determine 5 ability scores. The ethics system is a D&D good-evil/lawful-chaotic using "ethics" which is described vaguely differently from "morals", four different "temperament" scores based on bodily humours, a primary and secondary temperament in addition to that, and a disposition that is different from that too. On the second page of the character sheet are the following essential measurements: manhood length, manhood circumference, [[anal circumference]] potential, vaginal circumference potential, vaginal depth potential, areola diameter, nipple length, cup size, tongue size, hymen resistance, areola hue, foot size, fist circumference, head circumference, handedness. These measurements are ''essential'', because during combat your roll may cause you to accidentally start raping your opponent, and how many hitpoints they lose depends on the mismatch between the circumference of your appendage and their orifice. In case you missed some of that: '''it is possible to accidentally rape an opponent to death during normal combat.''' THEN you have to roll for other things like your height and weight (and then calculate your BMI based on those), most and least attractive features, hair color, skin color, visual acuity, age (which also acts as a modifier for all those abilities and sub-abilities, forcing you to go back and change all those stats again), a check to see if your Intelligence score is low enough to qualify for "Retard Strength" bonuses, birthday, social class, birthplace, number of siblings, and marital status.

In other words, roll randomly for just about everything that any other game system would allow the player to choose for themselves, in the unlikely event that they desperately needed to know the precise size of your foot.

Among the '''four-hundred and eighteen skills''' each character must keep track of are "Basketweaving" (Hand-Eye, Common Sense), "Clockmaking" (Spatial), "Delousing" (Hand-Eye), "Glovemaking" (Spatial), "Massage" (Kinetic Charisma, Hand-Eye), "Spitting" (Enunciation), and even "Urinating". Yes, pissing is a skill. Yes, you can fail your rolls to piss.

A character's body has '''seventeen hit-locations''', each with independent hit-point totals, each with their own armour equipment slots, and each of the seventeen pieces of armour have four different types of damage resistance (brawling, hacking, pounding and stabbing).

Magical items range from the mostly useless, to the suicidally dangerous, to the ''completely insane''. Here's a list of notable ones.
*Philter of (race name) Lust: Drink this and every being of the race listed within 100 feet will try to fuck you.
*Cloak of Self-Craving: The wearer will try to perform oral sex on themselves, possibly breaking his/her neck in the process.
*Chastity Belt of Cursed Impregnation: The wearer is knocked up. The difference between this and the uncursed version is that the cursed version always makes the unborn child a girl. Really.
*Jar of Jacking Off: "Whenever a male opens this jar, they must pass a Drive sub-ability check at TH 80 or be compelled to force their fuckstick into the jar. Once inside, the jar will inexplicably grip it firmly and jerk it to completion, even against the will of the opener. Upon completion, the cummer[sic] must roll percentile dice. If the results are 01-10, then the jar becomes pregnant. If the jar is pregnant, it will not allow itself to be opened, but will care for the fetus within, which will be heard screaming by others within 1d100 feet day and night. After 9 months of fetal torture, the child will be born and the jar will break. If the jar is broken during its pregnancy, then the dying and twitching fetus will explode after 1d6 rounds of twitching. The explosion will cause 1d4 Life Points of sonic damage to all within 1d4 miles. Baby parts are inexplicably everywhere. When born, the baby will be Unethical Immoral (translation: Chaotic Evil), will serve the father loyally, will obsessively collect jars, and seem to be male but have no penis, but oversized testicles, which can never ejaculate. Therefore, this child will be forever frustrated. Any child of a jar will insist that others call them “Chucky."
*Seed of Hate: Planting this seed in front of a druid's house causes a tree to grow that makes everything hate the druid in question. The only way to kill a tree that resulted from this seed is for the druid to start having anal sex with random animals until he sows a "seed of love". This may cause him to develop a bestiality fetish.
*Mirror of Many: A ripoff of the mirror from Evil Dead.
*[[Lord of the Rings|Ring of the Lords]]: It's the fucking One Ring.
*Cursed Dildo of Impregnation: The user is impregnated with another dildo, which is likely to kill her.
*(weapon) of Ravishing: The user will occasionally try to rape random women with the weapon, which will somehow impregnate them with another rapist-weapon (that kills them upon giving "birth" to it).
* Armor of Jewy Jewbacca: "Whosoever dons this armor will acquire a nose twice the size and a manhood half the size. Further, the wearer will become extremely greedy and fight to the death for one silver piece. Finally, the wearer acquires 2 inches of hair all over their body, resulting in halving their Facial Charisma and Bodily Attractiveness. While hairy, the wearer must bathe every 1d6 hours or smell foul." There are three other armors just like this which turn the wearer into an ethnic stereotype with no benefits whatsoever. According to Byron, this was supposed to be "controversial humor". So funny everyone forgot to laugh.
*(weapon) of Torturon: The wielder becomes obsessed with removing his victim's eyes and shoving them into his nose (the victim's nose, not the wielder's) and also takes up sunbathing naked on top of cottages. Okay, that's oddly specific and rather disturbing, especially given that one of Byron Hall's friends is called Torturon...

The magic system is split into ceremonial magic (which is situational at best and often utterly useless for doing anything you might actually need) and chaos magic (which requires you to perform a ritual that requires a roll on a large-ass syllable chart in case it requires a chant to perform, some random ingredients you might not even be able to acquire, and can take days to perform the required ritual). An example of a few spells follows; italicized spell names are ceremonial magic, and everything else is chaos magic:
*''Against Every Wild Animal, Aquatic Creature, and Robbers'': Keeps wild animals, aquatic creatures, and robbers away from you. Everything else that can kill you can still do so.
*Call God: Summons a god. The rulebook specifically states that whatever god in question will not be happy about being summoned and will probably kill the caster.
*''Eternal Spell for Binding a Lover'': Smear the listed ingredients on the head of your dick, and when you fuck someone with it they'll beg you to stick it in them at least once a day. (Numerous other "love spells" with similar effects are also present.)
*Fatal: [[Exterminatus|Kills everything on whatever horrid world the game takes place on, including the user.]] If only every game started with this spell being cast.
*Force Fart: Forces the target to fart, obviously.
*Have Her Cadaver: Cast this on a dead woman and she'll look, sound, smell, taste, and feel just like she was alive but unconscious. The spell description explicitly states that it is meant to aid necrophilia. Draw your own conclusions.
*Oroanal: The victim's mouth now doubles as his anus (or vice versa). Did we mention that the effects of this spell are permanent?
*Perpetual Orgasm:...take a fucking guess. The rulebook mentions that not only does this kill the target, but also that they continue to have an orgasm even after they die.
*''Test of Pregnancy'': Self-explanatory, and disturbingly likely to be necessary.
*Wish: Like the DnD version, but the GM is encouraged to be [[That Guy|as literal as possible, even picking a definition of the word at random if word has multiple definitions]]. A character wishes for a lot of gold? He gets several thousand pounds of gold bars. Dropped on top of him.

And then there are the miscast tables, which have a variety of notably bizarre effects, including but certainly not limited to:
*The next shit you take coming to life and trying to kill you.
*Fruit growing out of the caster's penis/vagina, which can be consumed for stat bonuses.
*Gay ogres popping out of nowhere and trying to have buttsex with everyone nearby.
*A "scratch and sniff" vagina appears on the caster's head.
*An eyeball appears on the caster's penis, and can somehow act as a lie detector.
*The target's skin turns black. "Aedile may decide appropriate penalties."
*A gerbil falls out of the target's asshole. Congrats, you are now Richard Gere.
*The nearest woman is convinced that her name is "Cuntrina", and insists that everyone nearby refers to her as such.
*A disembodied penis with wings appears and tries to rape everything nearby.
*Accidentally cast FATAL (see above). Everybody hopes to get this one.
And many, many more.

Classes are no less peculiar- they range from the standard fare of Warriors, Mages, and the like to things which no sane person would play (such as Delousers, Inkmakers, and of course Whores). Every class earns AP (the equivalent of experience points) in different ways, and in some cases it is earned so slowly that a character (or even their player) can die of old age before they even reach level 2.

==External Links==
===Files===
*[http://web.archive.org/web/20030228195602/http://www.hyperbooks.com/fatal/fatal.pdf 2003's "Fantasy Adventure to Adult Lechery" the 1st Edition of FATAL]
**'''(DO NOT EXPOSE GAME TO FACE. <s>FIRE IS BETTER ALTERNATIVE.</s> BURNING IT IS A GRAVE [[HERESY]] TO FIRE. FIRE ON FACE IS BETTER ALTERNATIVE TO GAME.)'''
*[http://web.archive.org/web/20040413024552/http://www.hyperbooks.com/fatal/fatal.pdf 2004's "From Another Time, Another Land" the 2nd edition]
**Sanitized, removes some of the nigger jokes and child-anus-tearing rape. What a truly depressing display of The Man's censorship.
*<s>URL for random character generator needed</s> [http://www.mediafire.com/file/ff39h4t8cfp8c7f/FATAL+Character+Generator.rar Random Character Generator]

===Reviews===
*The (in)famous [http://web.archive.org/web/20080208091645/http://atrocities.primaryerror.net/fatal.html Review] of FATAL, courtesy of the Wayback Machine ([http://www.rpg.net/reviews/archive/14/14567.phtml Updated, non-Geocities version]).
*The [http://wiki.rpg.net/index.php/FATALReviewRebuttal "rebuttal" to said review] in which the author and one of his friends dig their own graves. It's comedy gold, in a disgusting and shameful sort of way, but you'll probably laugh your ass off regardless.
*A group of Irish roleplayers taking a crack at doing character creation. It goes as well as you'd expect. [http://theadventuringparty.libsyn.com/character-creation-may-2011-from-another-time-another-land]
*The [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8TLlbVW-VA0 official theme song (no, really) of FATAL]
*Thorough review in three parts with numbers and sophisticated insults towards the game: [http://www.anthonypryor.com?p=2030 Part 1], [http://www.anthonypryor.com?p=2062 Part 2], [http://www.anthonypryor.com?p=2124 Part 3]
*Famous TV tropes [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/posts.php?discussion=7ixhxjqoe9swz1xv4bxgw5h0 discussion] thread with numerous tries to get through FATAL.
*[http://www.somethingawful.com/dungeons-and-dragons/fatal-worst-rpg/1/ Reasons] not to review FATAL

==Gallery==
<center>
<gallery>
Image:Fatalexplained.jpg
Image:Fatal-what01.jpg
Image:Fatal-what02.jpg
Image:Fatal-what04.jpg
Image:OddlySpecific.JPG
Image:Spaceballs_and_FATAL.png
Image:Fatalalignment.jpg|A completely original and not at all derivative set of alignments. Though admittedly, this is much better named than the D&D alignment system.
File:Worth Playing.png|Yes, this actually happened. [http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/42780325/#p42780693]
File:Sorcerers_and_Spermlords_The_mundane_reality.jpg
</gallery>
</center>

==See Also==
* [[Black Tokyo]], a game that, according to at least one anon is ''even worse''. [[http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.html?searchall=Black+Tokyo]]
* [[GURPS Sex]]
* [[Racial Holy War]], another game that is widely considered to be equally shitty. Yes, it's pretty much what the name makes it sound like.
* [[The Aristocrats, FATAL-style]]
* [[Tournament of Rapists]]
* [[VTNL]], a Russian game which is a serious contender to being even worse than FATAL. It was designed for 14 years, by a complete autistic who ignored everything RPG related during that time, to keep his original vision. It has rules for how to properly roll dice, and the GM is encouraged to punch the players in the face, if they fail to roll according to them.

[[Category:Roleplaying]][[Category:FAIL]]

FATAL

2017-05-12T06:52:41Z

2601:246:8200:D4:85C1:2368:3B:BD0B: /* Mechanics */

{{Template:Heresy}}
{{/d/}}
{{Fail}}
[[Image:FakeFATALlogo.gif|center]]
[[Image:Fatal cover.jpg|300px|thumb|right|The "sanitized" cover]]
''Were you looking for [[FATAL_card_game|F.A.T.A.L. the card game]]? Please tell me you were looking for the card game.

'' "So basically, FATAL is the date rape RPG."'''''
<br>- Darren MacLennan in his and Jason Sartin's infamous review.

'' "Another faulty conclusion by Darren. '''Where is dating included?'''"''
<br>- Byron Hall, proving everyone right.

'''Fantasy Adventure to Adult Lechery''' is, in theory, an [[RPG]] that lets [[neckbeards]] live out their rape fantasies. The gaming community has more or less unanimously come to the conclusion that FATAL (aka "The Date Rape RPG...without the dating") is simply the second worst RPG ever conceived. There is one documented occurrence of a game played. The rulebook (written by one Byron Hall and a few of his friends, who go by nicknames such as "Torturon", "Burnout", and "Satan") is as terribly mechanically written as it is obsessed with bizarre sexual perversions that make /d/ seem prudish by comparison. It is filled with enough pointless random charts and obtuse rules to deter even a veteran [[/d/M]] who has played ''[[Rolemaster]]'' for years. Quadratic equations are a requirement of most game mechanics. The [[Anal circumference]] table [[meme]] originates with FATAL.

The game was apparently revised and given a new name for the acronym. '''From Another Time, Another Land''' makes minor changes to the text (read: removes the magical armor that turns the wearer into an ethnic stereotype) but is still an abortion of gaming.

The FATAL Games website is now thankfully defunct. The current page is some kind of time portal to the 90's. However, some [[fags of 4chan|fine gentlemen]] at the Wayback Machine have archived it in all its neon-on-black-plastered-with-animated-gifs glory. [http://web.archive.org/web/20030205182630/www.fatalgames.com/fatal.html Enter at your own risk.]

==Mechanics==
...Are you sure? Are you ''absolutely'' sure?

...Okay, you asked for it.

The GM is called the "Aedile", because that's an actual Latin word for 'master of the coliseum games', or 'game-master' for short. What is it with authors of explicitly smutty rpg materials like this and "The Book of Erotic Fantasy" that they have to be pretentious dicks about it? (Answer: Because in the original version he was... wait for it... the '''Maim'''Master. You may now groan.)

The intro says you only need to know a little algebra, "and even that is relatively rare." It also says you only need two d10. Both of these are '''filthy lies'''. Ability scores are derived from averaging 'sub-abilities' rolled as '''(10[[d100]]/5)-1''' and modified by one of three different types of percentages, and conditions during the game may change your sub-abilities which means you need to recalculate your ability scores on-the-fly. Ability score checks are 3d10, so no you need more than two dice.

Apparently you'll need this "little algebra" because [[what|you solve quadratic formulas to find out whether or not your rape slave is pregnant]]. Then you roll [[What|d10,000,000]] to find out if she's going to have quintuplets. Jesus Christ.

The character sheet is '''eleven pages long'''. There are 20 sub-abilities (including "Enunciation" and "Spatial Intelligence"; also note that by this point in chargen you have already rolled your 2d10 eighty times), which determine 5 ability scores. The ethics system is a D&D good-evil/lawful-chaotic using "ethics" which is described vaguely differently from "morals", four different "temperament" scores based on bodily humours, a primary and secondary temperament in addition to that, and a disposition that is different from that too. On the second page of the character sheet are the following essential measurements: manhood length, manhood circumference, [[anal circumference]] potential, vaginal circumference potential, vaginal depth potential, areola diameter, nipple length, cup size, tongue size, hymen resistance, areola hue, foot size, fist circumference, head circumference, handedness. These measurements are ''essential'', because during combat your roll may cause you to accidentally start raping your opponent, and how many hitpoints they lose depends on the mismatch between the circumference of your appendage and their orifice. In case you missed some of that: '''it is possible to accidentally rape an opponent to death during normal combat.''' THEN you have to roll for other things like your height and weight (and then calculate your BMI based on those), most and least attractive features, hair color, skin color, visual acuity, age (which also acts as a modifier for all those abilities and sub-abilities, forcing you to go back and change all those stats again), a check to see if your Intelligence score is low enough to qualify for "Retard Strength" bonuses, birthday, social class, birthplace, number of siblings, and marital status.

In other words, roll randomly for just about everything that any other game system would allow the player to choose for themselves, in the unlikely event that they desperately needed to know the precise size of your foot.

Among the '''four-hundred and eighteen skills''' each character must keep track of are "Basketweaving" (Hand-Eye, Common Sense), "Clockmaking" (Spatial), "Delousing" (Hand-Eye), "Glovemaking" (Spatial), "Massage" (Kinetic Charisma, Hand-Eye), "Spitting" (Enunciation), and even "Urinating". Yes, pissing is a skill. Yes, you can fail your rolls to piss.

A character's body has '''seventeen hit-locations''', each with independent hit-point totals, each with their own armour equipment slots, and each of the seventeen pieces of armour have four different types of damage resistance (brawling, hacking, pounding and stabbing).

Magical items range from the mostly useless, to the suicidally dangerous, to the ''completely insane''. Here's a list of notable ones.
*Philter of (race name) Lust: Drink this and every being of the race listed within 100 feet will try to fuck you.
*Cloak of Self-Craving: The wearer will try to perform oral sex on themselves, possibly breaking his/her neck in the process.
*Chastity Belt of Cursed Impregnation: The wearer is knocked up. The difference between this and the uncursed version is that the cursed version always makes the unborn child a girl. Really.
*Jar of Jacking Off: "Whenever a male opens this jar, they must pass a Drive sub-ability check at TH 80 or be compelled to force their fuckstick into the jar. Once inside, the jar will inexplicably grip it firmly and jerk it to completion, even against the will of the opener. Upon completion, the cummer[sic] must roll percentile dice. If the results are 01-10, then the jar becomes pregnant. If the jar is pregnant, it will not allow itself to be opened, but will care for the fetus within, which will be heard screaming by others within 1d100 feet day and night. After 9 months of fetal torture, the child will be born and the jar will break. If the jar is broken during its pregnancy, then the dying and twitching fetus will explode after 1d6 rounds of twitching. The explosion will cause 1d4 Life Points of sonic damage to all within 1d4 miles. Baby parts are inexplicably everywhere. When born, the baby will be Unethical Immoral (translation: Chaotic Evil), will serve the father loyally, will obsessively collect jars, and seem to be male but have no penis, but oversized testicles, which can never ejaculate. Therefore, this child will be forever frustrated. Any child of a jar will insist that others call them “Chucky."
*Seed of Hate: Planting this seed in front of a druid's house causes a tree to grow that makes everything hate the druid in question. The only way to kill a tree that resulted from this seed is for the druid to start having anal sex with random animals until he sows a "seed of love". This may cause him to develop a bestiality fetish.
*Mirror of Many: A ripoff of the mirror from Evil Dead.
*[[Lord of the Rings|Ring of the Lords]]: It's the fucking One Ring.
*Cursed Dildo of Impregnation: The user is impregnated with another dildo, which is likely to kill her.
*(weapon) of Ravishing: The user will occasionally try to rape random women with the weapon, which will somehow impregnate them with another rapist-weapon (that kills them upon giving "birth" to it).
* Armor of Jewy Jewbacca: "Whosoever dons this armor will acquire a nose twice the size and a manhood half the size. Further, the wearer will become extremely greedy and fight to the death for one silver piece. Finally, the wearer acquires 2 inches of hair all over their body, resulting in halving their Facial Charisma and Bodily Attractiveness. While hairy, the wearer must bathe every 1d6 hours or smell foul." There are three other armors just like this which turn the wearer into an ethnic stereotype with no benefits whatsoever. According to Byron, this was supposed to be "controversial humor". So funny everyone forgot to laugh.
*(weapon) of Torturon: The wielder becomes obsessed with removing his victim's eyes and shoving them into his nose (the victim's nose, not the wielder's) and also takes up sunbathing naked on top of cottages. Okay, that's oddly specific and rather disturbing, especially given that one of Byron Hall's friends is called Torturon...

The magic system is split into ceremonial magic (which is situational at best and often utterly useless for doing anything you might actually need) and chaos magic (which requires you to perform a ritual that requires a roll on a large-ass syllable chart in case it requires a chant to perform, some random ingredients you might not even be able to acquire, and can take days to perform the required ritual). An example of a few spells follows; italicized spell names are ceremonial magic, and everything else is chaos magic:
*''Against Every Wild Animal, Aquatic Creature, and Robbers'': Keeps wild animals, aquatic creatures, and robbers away from you. Everything else that can kill you can still do so.
*Call God: Summons a god. The rulebook specifically states that whatever god in question will not be happy about being summoned and will probably kill the caster.
*''Eternal Spell for Binding a Lover'': Smear the listed ingredients on the head of your dick, and when you fuck someone with it they'll beg you to stick it in them at least once a day. (Numerous other "love spells" with similar effects are also present.)
*Fatal: [[Exterminatus|Kills everything on whatever horrid world the game takes place on, including the user.]] If only every game started with this spell being cast.
*Force Fart: Forces the target to fart, obviously.
*Have Her Cadaver: Cast this on a dead woman and she'll look, sound, smell, taste, and feel just like she was alive but unconscious. The spell description explicitly states that it is meant to aid necrophilia. Draw your own conclusions.
*Oroanal: The victim's mouth now doubles as his anus (or vice versa). Did we mention that the effects of this spell are permanent?
*Perpetual Orgasm:...take a fucking guess. The rulebook mentions that not only does this kill the target, but also that they continue to have an orgasm even after they die.
*''Test of Pregnancy'': Self-explanatory, and disturbingly likely to be necessary.
*Wish: Like the DnD version, but the GM is encouraged to be [[That Guy|as literal as possible, even picking a definition of the word at random if word has multiple definitions]]. A character wishes for a lot of gold? He gets several thousand pounds of gold bars. Dropped on top of him.

And then there are the miscast tables, which have a variety of notably bizarre effects, including but certainly not limited to:
*The next shit you take coming to life and trying to kill you.
*Fruit growing out of the caster's penis/vagina, which can be consumed for stat bonuses.
*Gay ogres popping out of nowhere and trying to have buttsex with everyone nearby.
*A "scratch and sniff" vagina appears on the caster's head.
*An eyeball appears on the caster's penis, and can somehow act as a lie detector.
*The target's skin turns black. "Aedile may decide appropriate penalties."
*A gerbil falls out of the target's asshole. Congrats, you are now Richard Gere.
*The nearest woman is convinced that her name is "Cuntrina", and insists that everyone nearby refers to her as such.
*A disembodied penis with wings appears and tries to rape everything nearby.
*Accidentally cast FATAL (see above). Everybody hopes to get this one.
And many, many more.

Classes are no less peculiar- they range from the standard fare of Warriors, Mages, and the like to things which no sane person would play (such as Delousers, Inkmakers, and of course Whores). Every class earns AP (the equivalent of experience points) in different ways, and in some cases it is earned so slowly that a character (or even their player) can die of old age before they even reach level 2.

==External Links==
===Files===
*[http://web.archive.org/web/20030228195602/http://www.hyperbooks.com/fatal/fatal.pdf 2003's "Fantasy Adventure to Adult Lechery" the 1st Edition of FATAL]
**'''(DO NOT EXPOSE GAME TO FACE. <s>FIRE IS BETTER ALTERNATIVE.</s> BURNING IT IS A GRAVE [[HERESY]] TO FIRE. FIRE ON FACE IS BETTER ALTERNATIVE TO GAME.)'''
*[http://web.archive.org/web/20040413024552/http://www.hyperbooks.com/fatal/fatal.pdf 2004's "From Another Time, Another Land" the 2nd edition]
**Sanitized, removes some of the nigger jokes and child-anus-tearing rape. What a truly depressing display of The Man's censorship.
*<s>URL for random character generator needed</s> [http://www.mediafire.com/file/ff39h4t8cfp8c7f/FATAL+Character+Generator.rar Random Character Generator]

===Reviews===
*The (in)famous [http://web.archive.org/web/20080208091645/http://atrocities.primaryerror.net/fatal.html Review] of FATAL, courtesy of the Wayback Machine ([http://www.rpg.net/reviews/archive/14/14567.phtml Updated, non-Geocities version]).
*The [http://wiki.rpg.net/index.php/FATALReviewRebuttal "rebuttal" to said review] in which the author and one of his friends dig their own graves. It's comedy gold, in a disgusting and shameful sort of way, but you'll probably laugh your ass off regardless.
*A group of Irish roleplayers taking a crack at doing character creation. It goes as well as you'd expect. [http://theadventuringparty.libsyn.com/character-creation-may-2011-from-another-time-another-land]
*The [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8TLlbVW-VA0 official theme song (no, really) of FATAL]
*Thorough review in three parts with numbers and sophisticated insults towards the game: [http://www.anthonypryor.com?p=2030 Part 1], [http://www.anthonypryor.com?p=2062 Part 2], [http://www.anthonypryor.com?p=2124 Part 3]
*Famous TV tropes [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/posts.php?discussion=7ixhxjqoe9swz1xv4bxgw5h0 discussion] thread with numerous tries to get through FATAL.
*[http://www.somethingawful.com/dungeons-and-dragons/fatal-worst-rpg/1/ Reasons] not to review FATAL

==Gallery==
<center>
<gallery>
Image:Fatalexplained.jpg
Image:Fatal-what01.jpg
Image:Fatal-what02.jpg
Image:Fatal-what04.jpg
Image:OddlySpecific.JPG
Image:Spaceballs_and_FATAL.png
Image:Fatalalignment.jpg|A completely original and not at all derivative set of alignments. Though admittedly, this is much better named than the D&D alignment system.
File:Worth Playing.png|Yes, this actually happened. [http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/42780325/#p42780693]
File:Sorcerers_and_Spermlords_The_mundane_reality.jpg
</gallery>
</center>

==See Also==
* [[Black Tokyo]], a game that, according to at least one anon is ''even worse''. [[http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.html?searchall=Black+Tokyo]]
* [[GURPS Sex]]
* [[Racial Holy War]], another game that is widely considered to be equally shitty. Yes, it's pretty much what the name makes it sound like.
* [[The Aristocrats, FATAL-style]]
* [[Tournament of Rapists]]
* [[VTNL]], a Russian game which is a serious contender to being even worse than FATAL. It was designed for 14 years, by a complete autistic who ignored everything RPG related during that time, to keep his original vision. It has rules for how to properly roll dice, and the GM is encouraged to punch the players in the face, if they fail to roll according to them.

[[Category:Roleplaying]][[Category:FAIL]]

Black Legion

2017-04-19T13:27:09Z

2601:246:8200:D4:85C1:2368:3B:BD0B: /* Post-Heresy */

{{Infobox Traitor Legion
|Name = Black Legion
|Heraldry = [[Image:Blackleglogo.gif|Blackleglogo.gif]]
|Battle Cry = "Death to the False Emperor!"<br>'''Luna Wolves:'''<br>"Kill for the living, kill for the dead!" or "Lupercal!"<br>'''Sons of Horus:'''<br>"For the Warmaster!"
|Original Name = Luna Wolves, later Sons of Horus
|Number = XVI
|Primarch = [[Horus]]
|Original Homeworld = Cthonia
|Current Homeworld = Vengeful Spirit
|Champion = [[Abaddon|Ezekyle Abaddon]]
|Specialty = Flexible organization. Veteran Elites. Destroying Enemy Leadership.
|Strength = Actually quite large, despite Abaddon's best efforts.
|Allegiance = [[Chaos Undivided]]
|Colours = Black and Gold. Formerly Pale Green; formerly Grey
}}

''"I recognize in thieves, traitors and murderers, in the ruthless and the cunning, a deep beauty - a sunken beauty."''<br>
''-Jean Genet''

''"Just because I'm a murdering, thieving, cowardly, traitorous sort doesn't mean I can't do my job properly."''<br>
''"-James A. Owen"''

'''The Black Legion''' (Legion XVI) are one of the nine [[Space Marine]] legions which betrayed the Emperor during the Heresy. Their Primarch was [[Horus]]. Originally called themselves the '''Luna Wolves''' before changing their name to '''The Sons of Horus'''. After the HH they changed their name to '''The Black Legion''', possibly due to being ashamed to carry the name of one who failed to conquer the Imperium, or as a mourning, together with the black armor. Opinion likely differs between warbands. Canon has now been muddled further with the new ADB novel series, where Abaddon officially dissolved the Sons of Horus, and merged its old forces in with Abby's friends from the other Legions into an entirely new Legion. This narrative making it clear that anybody who joins the Black Legion is NOT just changing the name of the guy who is signing the paycheck, but rejecting their previous Legion or Chapter identities and committing to fighting the Long War.

The Black Legion was depicted as the "vanilla" Chaos Space Marine legion in the past, similar to how the [[Ultramarines]] are with the loyalists. For a long time they were mostly overlooked fluff-wise, because, like the Ultrasmurfs, they weren't that interesting being the 'middle-of-the-road' chaos marines. Now though they have their own Codex Supplement and are an elites oriented army with possessed, chosen, and terminators being the norm for a fluffy BL army.

==History==

===Pre-Heresy===
[[File:Black_legion_chaos_marine_by_masteralighieri-d4cl5fy.jpg|240px|thumb|left|OK. Chainsword? Check. Bolter? Check. Power Armor maintained and ready? Check. Well, off to the next Black Cru...wait, what? [[Abaddon|He]] did what again? Against [[Creed|whom]]? <s>Awww fudge. Another crusade foiled</s> well, I guess we're going to Terra now!.]]
When they were still loyalists, there were known as the greatest and most powerful legion during the Great Crusade, the Luna Wolves. They won many victories and brought many worlds into compliance. After Horus won the Ullanor Crusade, he was given the title "Warmaster" by the Emperor. This gave him almost complete control of all the space marine legions and the Imperial Forces. He renamed his Legion the Sons of Horus, and ordered them to repaint their armour from grey-white to to a green, or maybe green-grey, colour scheme that no one seems to know how to paint properly <s>Forge World paint theirs a teal colour, but there are examples of green-grey, jade, and a Wehrmacht-style feldgrau out there too - and then some older art just takes the lazy approach and makes them straight-up grey</s>.

===The Heresy===

After Horus was severely wounded on Davin, he received visions from the Chaos Gods who told him that the Emperor would cast him and his brother Primarchs aside once he attained full God-hood. After seemingly being easily convinced by them, Horus turned traitor. He corrupted half of his brother Primarchs, the majority of the Imperial army and half of the [[Adeptus Mechanicus]] to his side. After Horus' defeat during the siege of Holy Terra, the Traitor Legions fled to the Eye of Terror. <s>You know, instead of saying "Well Horus is dead but so is your Emperor" and continuing to attack the Imperial Palace where they might have won.</s> Rowboat Girlyman was hot on their heels along with The Lion and The Wolf tag team. Kinda the whole reason Horus wanted to finish it decisively.

===Post-Heresy===

When the Traitors fled to the Eye of Terror, the blaming each other for the failure at Terra began. The Sons of Horus took the brunt of this blame, and proceeded to retreat to the world of Maeleum, where they built a fancy tomb for Horus's body and sat around feeling sorry for themselves, not even bothering to select a new commander.

The bitterness between the Legions broke out into war once the Emperor's Children decided they needed more slaves for their Slaaneshi-related shenanigans. Being the Legion that had suffered the least at Terra (due to being occupied with the aforementioned shenanigans), the Children began to raid other warbands for their slaves and resources, culminating with sacking Maeleum, killing most of the remaining Sons of Horus, and taking the body of Horus (and Worldbreaker) for Fabius Bile's genetic experiments.

The former Justaerin captain Falkus Kibre, with the assistance of several other Chaos warbands, eventually managed to track down Abaddon and the ''[[Vengeful Spirit]]'' deep within the Eye of Terror, and told him about the theft and cloning of Horus. This news finally got Abaddon off his ass, and he and the few remaining legionnaires available to him used the ''Vengeful Spirit'' to crush the Emperor's Children at the [[Battle of Harmony]], with Abaddon personally killing the clone of Horus with his own Talon.

Their leader, [[Abaddon]], is known for launching 13 Black Crusades against the Imperium, all of which have (obviously) failed to overthrow it. While his 13th crusade may have won him a foothold in [[Cadia]], it is technically a Pyrrhic victory due to the remaining Black Legion forces having no way of reinforcing their current forces with the Imperial Navy beating back the Chaos fleets. In turn, this forces a war of attrition, which Space Marines never win anyway as such a war is devoted to who can replace their losses the quickest, and doubly so for Chaos Marines who need to come up with creative ways to replace losses. Lord Topknot is thus the constant butt of jokes by 40K fans for his cartoon-villain attempts to destroy the Imperium, all of which have seemed to end in failure.

[[File:Black Legion.jpg|thumb|right|300px|A Black legionnaire in the thick of combat on Cadia. Why's there a head in his armpit?]]

It is, however, exactly the sort of combat where the Imperial Guard shines. Nice going, [[Abaddon|dumbass]]. It is unknown exactly how they managed to survive for so long due to Failbaddon's incompetence and poor leadership skills (plus, his failed Black Crusades could have left them largely undermanned). And they can't actually do anything to him due to the Chaos Gods protecting him from possible assassinations or getting Sindri'd, and likewise, Failbaddon cannot do anything to them due to not having arms (He could still try to kick them, but it would have little to no effect). It may be possible that they receive millions of volunteers due to their paint job looking awesome. Another reason is because they allow Chaos Marines from other Chaos Legions (or from renegade chapters) to join them in their ranks (an example is Eliphas the Inheritor, who originally came from the Word Bearers). The new ADB novels indicate that the Black Legion is an open institution for anyone who is serious about waging the Long War against the Imperium (and not just raiding / pillaging / winning favour with the chaos gods / feeling sad about it) and is strong enough to prosper. The founding members came from a variety of different legions.

Newer fluff, however, indicates that Abaddon's Black Crusades are part of a larger scheme to destroy the Imperium, and all achieved at least some of their goals. Abaddon knows that his forces are not large enough or organized enough to break through the massive quantities of Imperial forces that stand between him and Terra, and thus plans to cause enough chaos (heh) to allow legions of daemons to enter realspace and overwhelm the defenders of the Imperium. This has received a mixed reception among the fanbase.

There have only ever been five awesome members of the Black Legion: [[Horus Lupercal]], [[Araghast the Pillager]], [[Neroth]], [[Kain]], and [[Eliphas]] (who wasn't even originally from the Black Legion). And the middle two are kind of iffy on the cool factor. Neroth is a whiny bitch, but he makes up for it by shitting free doombolts. Kain knows better than to speak given most of Chaos' shitty Abaddon admiring script, which makes him cool.

However it is only a matter of time before someone overthrows Abaddon, we're betting on Eliphas, a revived Araghast, or [[Huron Blackheart]]...probably Eliphas (it's in his name after all, Eliphas, the ''Inheritor'' of the Black Legion)...but still...BRING ARAGHAST BACK!

[[HMKids]] have done a good job for their [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3bH3Y-bufJI theme], it's full of energy and fury towards the False Emperor and his slaves!

==Culture==
The Luna Wolves had a culture that was based primarily on that of the hive gangs of their home planet, Cthonia.

There are two informal institutions of note in the Luna Wolves: the Mournival and the Warrior Lodges. The Mournival was a group of four captains who acted as advisers to Horus. They were selected based on their temperaments, each of them supposedly embodying one of the Four Humors, bodily fluids that in ancient times were said to govern the emotions of men. The aggressive Abaddon embodied the Choleric temperament, the light-hearted Torgaddon the Sanguine, the rational Loken the Phlegmatic, and the introverted Little Horus the Melancholic. The Warrior Lodges were based off the totem-animal cults of the planet Davin, which was conquered by the Luna Wolves and the Word Bearers (who would later create similar societies in other legions as a means of spreading Chaos corruption). They were secret societies where the Luna Wolves could associate outside of the chains of command and speak freely without fear of reprisal. Several in the legion, such as Garviel Loken, disapproved of their secrecy, a suspicion that turned out to be justified when traitor marines started using them to conspire in secret.

The Black Legion, however, has no overarching culture, being a collection of whatever warbands from whatever Legions pledge their loyalty to Abaddon and paint their armor black. This is as Abaddon intends, as he believes that Chaos Space Marines should have the freedom to follow the traditions of their forefathers or defy them as they please. The only thing that unites them is a dedicated conviction to the Long War. Several Sons of Horus warbands refused to join the Black Legion and continued to wear their original colors. The Black Legion refers to these legions as the "Thrice-Cursed Traitors".

==On the Tabletop==

The Black Legion had their own 7th edition supplement, which was essentially the same as the base Chaos 'dex with the exception that everything that can must take "Veterans of the Long War." The book gave them some formations, relics, and a few unique missions. It should be noted that this book offered the only way that Chaos can get an Eternal Warrior character without incredibly lucky rolling on the Chaos Boon Table. The rules from said supplement, however, have since been recollected and expanded upon in the "Traitor Legions" supplement. This retains the usual elite-focused army by making Terminators and Chosen troops, while giving them permanent hatred against Loyalist scum. And their decurion gives them first turn deep strike!

==Daily Rituals of the Black Legion==
04:00 - The Black Legionnaires rise up from their spiked beds.

04:30 - Mutation Checks. Each Black Legionnaire is checked on their mutation levels.

04:50 - Morning Meal. A light meal is made by the legion's serfs. Failure to cook properly will result in said serf being flayed alive and his/her skinless body is forced to walk for a hundred miles until they die of exhaustion, pain, shock and blood loss. Their dead bodies are promptly used as sex toys by any Slaanesh worshipers.

05:00 - Morning Prayer. A prayer is done for each Chaos God, thus it is extra long.

09:00 - Morning Firing Rites. The Black Legion hone in on their shooting skills upon captured Imperial Citizens.

10:00 - Battle Practice. The Black Legion fight and train within gladiatorial rounds.

12:00 - Tactical Indoctrination. The Black Legion are tasked on which planet to pillage, which areas in Cadia to assault without getting [[Creed]] in the ass and which worlds to subvert.

14:50 - Midday Break. A short break is accompanied with cookies made from the remains of puppies and beverages distilled from the tears of crying children.

15:00 - Evening Firing Rites.

16:00 - Battle Practice.

17:00 - Evening Prayer. A prayer is held which is just as long.

21:00 - Evening Meal. A feast is made by the legion's serfs. [[Emprah Burgers|Chaos Burgers]] are ordered in the dozen.

22:00 - Bitch at the Emperor. A special one hour period is held exclusively for the Black Legion to bitch at the Emperor and why he stinks.

23:00 - Bitch at Abaddon. A secret special one hour period is held by fellow Black Legionnaires to bitch at Abaddon's failures and incompetence. Publicly called 'Free Time' to avoid Abaddon's wrath.

24:00 - Rest Period. The Black Legionnaires rest in their spiked beds.

==Noted members==
* [[Horus]]
* [[Abaddon|Abaddon the Despoiler]]
* [[Araghast the Pillager]]
* [[Eliphas]]
* [[Ygethmor|Ygethmor the Deceiver]]
* [[Neroth]]

{{Template:Chaos-Official}}
[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Chaos]][[Category:Space Marines]]

Ultramarines

2017-04-15T17:58:16Z

2601:246:8200:D4:85C1:2368:3B:BD0B:

{{Infobox Spess Mahreen Chapter
|Name = Ultramarines
|Heraldry = [[File:Smurfpauldron.jpg|140px]]
|Battle Cry = "Courage and Honour!" and "We March for Macragge!"
|Number = XIII
|Founding = [[First Founding]]
|Successors of = N/A
|Successor Chapters = Roughly 65% of all Chapters.
|Chapter Master = [[Marneus Calgar]]
|Primarch = [[Roboute Guilliman]]
|Homeworld = [[Ultramar|Macragge]]
|Specialty = Jack of All Trades, Being the Mascot of the entire Franchise
|Strength = Roughly 1000 marines
|Allegiance = [[Imperium]]
|Colours = Ultramarine Blue, white & gold (For the most famous Second Company. Other Companies use different colors)
}}

''"Our presence remakes the past''"

-the Banner of Macragge

The '''Ultramarines''' are a chapter of [[Space Marines]], probably the most famous and well-known (both within the [[Warhammer 40,000]] universe and without). [[Games Workshop]] considers the Ultramarines their chapter of choice, and the Ultramarines represent the standard upon which most other Space Marine chapters are based. Why Games Workshop would want a Space Marine chapter whose symbol is a <s>toilet seat upside down</s> Omega (℧) is beyond us. Despite what canon has been trying to imply lately (see the intro to the CGI failmovie), the Ultramarines are not named so because they are 'ultra', as in, superior, 'marines'. Nope, they're called that because their Home sector is Ultramar, and the armour is coincidentally/lazily also called ultramarine, which is a shade of blue. They have an easily recognizable blue-with-gold-trim colour scheme that the [[Thousand Sons]] decided to rip off post-heresy. (technically that's only the second company but who ever heard of an ultramarine player not painting his army blue and gold) - the blue colouration, coupled with the small size of the minis, has lead them to be nicknamed "Smurfs" by some. [[Rick Priestley]] was originally inspired to promote the ultramarines heavily in publications of White Dwarf after a dream he had whilst staying around a friends house in which he claims the miniatures began speaking to him, this partly lead to his eventual dismissal from [[Games Workshop]] in 2010.

A squad of Tactical Marines are the protagonists of the 40k-based movie surprisingly titled "[[Ultramarines:The Movie|Ultramarines]]".

==Overview==
[[File:NroL23W.jpg|left|350px|thumb|All said and done, the Ultries can be badass.]]

The Ultramarine's central concept is that of a well drilled, immaculate army of warrior-monks who executed their duty with professionalism and competence. "By the book, no mistakes," is essentially the Ultramarine way, more so than most other Chapters. Even before they had reunited with their Primarch, it had been noted that the XIIIth Legion was strongly inclined towards the adoption of carefully thought out battle plans, an established chain of command, and an aversion to inflicting collateral damage. These tendencies was intensified further by their extensive study and practice of the [[Codex Astartes]], which cover a very broad range of battlefield situations and doctrine to live by. Thanks to each and every one of them training and living by it, their companies operate like a smoothly functioning combat machine with every unit functionally interlocking with every other. However, as much as this by-the-book discipline was their strength, it is often also, like the real life ancient Roman Legions, their weakness, since the few situations that the Codex Astartes did not prepare them for tended to catch them flat-footed, lacking the flexibility to properly respond. The initial Tyranid invasion and the [[Necrons|Damnos incident]] exemplify such situations, where the unconventional nature of their enemy nearly led to their defeat. It doesn't matter how smoothly your forces function if you don't actually have a way to win the battle.

The [[Primarch]] of the Ultramarines is [[Roboute Guilliman]] (aka Robot Girlyman and about a thousand other silly names, Big Bobby G, Rowboat Gillman, The BIG RG, Ex. Ex.) and it was he who wrote the (in?)famous [[Codex Astartes]] after the events of the [[Horus Heresy]], prescribing each Space Marine chapter to a mere thousand warriors to ensure that no one man would ever command the loyalty of an entire Space Marine legion again. At least, that was the plan, but Roboute Guilliman himself never got to see it come to light, as he was mortally wounded by a poisonous attack from his bro, the Traitor Primarch [[Fulgrim]], and he has been kept in stasis by the Ultramarines for thousands of years, where many claim that his wound is slowly healing.

The Ultramarines base their ideals upon the teachings of Roboute Guilliman, who ended up on a neo-Roman planet and soon adopted their way of thinking. They believe in individual strength to strengthen the whole ([[Chaos|and not for the betterment of one self]]), and in following the rules, however strict they might be. This way, order is maintained in all things. Courage is, naturally, also a big thing to them, since it goes with the idea of the individual working to better the whole. All this means that the Ultramarines are very, ''very'' good at doing their job, as long as they are prepared for it and works alongside the rest of their Chapter, but tend to be completely stumped when a situation, which their planning and reasoning can't immediately deal with, comes up.

The Ultramarines are also notorious for disregarding much of the wider Imperium in favour of their own worlds, the famed ''500 Worlds of Ultramar''. This has earned them much hate from in-universe factions, who don't like how they essentially go "Screw you guys, we'll just make our own, sort of working empire!". Many elegen/tg/entlemen dislike this as well, since it sort of makes the Ultries seem they know better than the rest of the Imperium, while still being lauded as being some of the most honourable Chapters in the entire galaxy. Though in the Ultramarine's defense, they're probably the most successful space marine chapter in the galaxy, considering that they defend and maintain hundreds of worlds, and those worlds are some of the most prosperous, meritocratic worlds in the entire Imperium. Even with their duties in Ultramar, the Chapter still sends warriors out into the wider galaxy, making significant contributions at [[Armageddon]] and at [[Cadia]] during the [[Black Crusade|13th black crusade]].

[[File:SpacemarineGettingArmoured.PNG|500px|right|thumb|Sparing nothing on the awesome factor.]]

All of the other Space Marine legions [[Space Wolves|save one]] (or maybe [[Dark Angels|two]], depending on how you look at it) adopted the Codex and split up into multitudes of smaller chapters, and most Space Marine chapters today follow the practices found within it, although some like the Space Wolves and the Black Templars have refrained from implementing it. Few are as rigid in pursuing the use of the Codex as the Ultramarines, though. Where most other Chapters like the [[Imperial Fists]] and [[Raven Guard]] looks to it for guidance when encountering unfamiliar situations, the Ultramarines see the Codex as a sort of "holy book" and follow its instructions to the letter. Ironically, Guilliman himself believed this to be misguided and noted that the Codex was never meant to replace the ability to act on one's own judgments.But [[Grimdark|Irony]] is a strong force in 40K universe.

Because they are the poster-boys for Space Marines, they are perhaps the most famous Chapter in the general 40k fandom, but are widely hated by many denizens of [[/tg/]]. This may initially have been due to their popularity - the Space Marines in general suffer something of a backlash from fa/tg/uys because of their overwhelming popularity with the annoying young children that infest the hobby, and the Ultramarines are the most popular of them all - but of recent editions the blatant favouritism displayed by certain Games Workshop writers towards the Chapter have earned them considerable ire, especially from fans of other Space Marine chapters that get slagged off in the process. This is mainly the fault of [[Matthew Ward]]'s 5th edition Space Marine Codex, which explicitly claimed that the Ultramarines were superior to all other Space Marines (In 2nd edition it was explicitly stated.) and was not helped by Ward's own poor fluff-writing skills (see [[#Quotes|Quotes]] below). However, more recent fluff has served to bring the Ultramarines back to their "Space Roman" roots, making them far less objectionable than they were in the past. Forge World's Horus Heresy line has been particularly kind to them, giving them a variety of stylish Heresy-era gear, all of them with that "The Glory That Was Rome" vibe.

==First Edition History==

[[Image:UltramarinesRT.jpg|thumb|right|Fig.1.1: An Ultramarine, note the [[Beakie]].]]

{{Oldschool}}

[http://www.scribd.com/doc/118383071/WD97-Chapter-Approved-Index-Astartes| Back in the] [[Rogue Trader (Sourcebook)|first edition]] of Warhammer 40,000, in an article co-written by [[Rick Priestley]]. The XIIIth Legion were actually traitors and were banished to the Eye of Terror along with the other traitor legions. The modern day 40k Ultramarines were established on new years day 001.M32, which would make them a Third Founding chapter. They received all of the [[Gene Seed|gene-"sperm" & implants]], rituals and paraphernalia of the original legion.

Not only that, they only received lordship over the world of [[Macragge]] AFTER the First Tyrannic War. And though they did have different names for all of their company captains and command staff, they were/are still commanded by a man named Marneus Calgar.

The implications of this would be startling if we use the ''"everything is canon, but not necessarily true"'' stance that GW has adopted when regarding fluff inconsistencies. Hinting that Guilliman's marines were [[Imperium Secundus|heretics and traitors]] and were eventually banished from the Imperium.

However, attempting to reconcile this old origin story with "modern" Ultramarines is extremely difficult, we can only coherently insert it into the current state of play if we assume there is a second chapter out there called the "Ultra-Marines" with a chapter master and homeworld of the same name and the same level of involvement with the Tyrannic Wars. Though what completely knocks this old fluff out is that it ''also'' has possession of the body of [[Roboute Guilliman]] so it has to be a retcon though it still opens the door to conspiracy theories or that Marneus Calgar is [[Lugft Huron|in command of multiple Chapters]].

The other possibility is that when the Ultramarines were declared traitor and forced into the eye of terror, Guilliman, recognising his plans for [[Imperium_Secundus|Imperium Secondus]] were about to topple with the death of [[Sanguinius]] (who had been declared ruler as a means to placate the Emperor and the other legions), Guilliman had himself cloned and a portion of his legions most pure geneseed moved to the Eastern Fringe and [[Macragge]] to ensure survival of the Ultramarines, The Ultramar Empire and the Imperium Secondus concept as its eventuality. This occurred just as the rest of the legion (Including the original primarch) were declared traitor and forced into the eye. It would also suggest, given the appearance of Guilliman's wounded body in stasis on Macragge, that it was in-fact the clone that was killed by [[Fulgrim]] and the real primarch still resides either in the eye of terror or the immaterium with the remains of the Ultramarine Traitor Legion.

In either case, somehow one of the two possible Guilliman's was returned to Macragge and placed in stasis <strike>post-mortem</strike> after being Mortally-Wounded. If you accept the cloning of Guilliman, this all makes sense; he wanted to ensure his empire survived and having been declared traitor, cloned himself and sent the clone to rule over the new Imperium, the clone being mortally wounded by [[Fulgrim]] en-route. Or somehow, and for some reason, a traitor primarch was dragged out of the eye of terror and kept in stasis on the opposite side of the galaxy. Given the stupidity of that second line of thought, the clone being the primarch on Macragge is a much more likely situation... Especially as if his wounds heal and the clone recovers he would be able to continue acting out the original Guilliman's plans for a second imperium with its epicentre based within the Ultramar Empire and using Space Marines created from the remains of the purest legion-stock geneseed.

Or, infinitely more likely, it's just old fluff which went the way of the [[Squats]] after Rogue Trader, and we should hope so, because if it isn't, we also have to reconcile the space marines being entirely beaky space cops.

==Breaking the Hyphen==

In early versions of the Lore, "Ultramarines" (As they are now known) are spelt in a myriad of different ways. Rick Priestly himself describing them as "Ultra-Marines". Other versions include "Ultra Marines", "The Ultra-Marine Chapter" and <strike>"Smurfs"</strike> ++BLAM++ amongst many other iterations. In all instances, and all cases (even accounting for the First Edition lore above) it can be assumed the lore refers to the same Chapter or Legion. Punctuation matters, just not in 40K...

==Ultramarines post-Ward==
[[Image:Ultraknights.jpg|thumb|left|Ultramarines, from the days of [[Awesome]].]]
''"Our love is nothing but the blues, baby, how blue can you get?''"

-B.B. King

If you are new here, then you should be well informed by now over the really [[Skub|skubtastic]] history involving the [[Ultramarines]] and the dreaded [[Matt Ward|Ward]]. While Ward was indeed responsible for the immense [[butthurt]] and [[Rage|rage]] caused on [[/tg/]] and to [[1d4Chan]] itself (Seriously just look at the pages history, it was a war on green and red edits), Ward himself wasn't completely at fault here, [[Games Workshop]] is just as much to blame for their irresponsible and careless attitude in handling fluff to a ''clearly'' biased player and gave him the green light to write whatever things Ward could come out with. However after Ward's unexpected quite departure in 2014 (He came back in 2016 though, just hope he can control his Ultramarine urges now), the Ultramarines has been getting....less of the limelight like it used to back in the heydays of Codex: Space Marines 5th Edition. Nowadays, the [[Blood Angels]], [[Space Wolves]], [[Dark Angels]] and even the [[Deathwatch]] are getting more in the spotlight. While the Ultramarines are still the de facto mascots of WH40K, it seems that the post-Ward era has seen the return of more...diverse forms of Space Marine Chapters. Furthermore, the [[Horus Heresy]] lineups made by our favorite [[Forgeworld]] has been giving the Ultramarines and the rest of the Space Marine Legions an equal respect in both their lore and crunch which was unthinkable back in the day, "The Salamanders and Raven Guard get their own moment to shine without the Ultras overshadowing them? How preposterous!" would be the most likely answer if went back in time and told our past selves over this. Additionally the Forgeworld model for [[Roboute Guilliman]] has been well received by fans with some commenting that of all the [[Primarch]] models, Guilliman's was one of the best designed and posed. What does this mean for our (in)famous blueberries? A redemption of sorts? Winning back the crowd? Earning back the respect it once had? The answer could be all of them. Whatever is the case, the legacy of Ward and the Ultramarine fiasco did impact the way players see the Ultramarines and the Space Marines to an extent either negatively or positively (More inclined to the negativity though). But seeing as how GeeDubs still has the [[Robin Cruddace|Cruddhead]], it can be seen with some sigh of relief that GeeDubs seems to be back to their grips now in terms of fluff at least.

==Notable Members==
[[File:1280346485348.jpg|thumb|right|While most believe the story told by the Ultramarines, eye-witnesses paint a different story...]]
*[[Marneus Calgar]], the current Chapter Master of the Ultramarines. His accomplishments include being thoroughly ripped apart by the [[Swarmlord]] (by that we mean all his limbs, a large portion of his body and his eye), single handedly holding off an Ork Waaagh! for 9 days all by himself and killing a Daemon Prince with only a squad of Terminators by stabbing him with an Anathame shard named "The Shard of Erebus". However, his crowning moment is his defeat of an Eldar Avatar of Khaine in 1 vs 1, hand-to-hand combat, which is typically killed by the same effort it takes to kill a Khornate Bloodthirster - never mind that the thing is made of molten metal and over three times his size. He also had a rematch with the Swarmlord and won.
*[[Severus Agemman]], captain of the Ultramarines First Company. He was Captain of the Second Company, and Sicarius' commanding officer before being promoted after the First Tyrannic War. There isn't much fluff about him besides being overshadowed by his former subordinate Sicarius. As first Company Captain he's Calgar's appointed successor, however much of the chapter thinks it will be Sicarius instead of him. Agemman is aware of this possibility and isn't very happy about it.
*[[Cato Sicarius]], the captain of the Ultramarines Second Company, is kind of a glory hog, but he's arguably earned his right to be a braggart through his skill at arms.
*[[Uriel Ventris]] is the captain of the Ultramarines Fourth Company and the main character of Graham McNeil's Ultramarines novel series. Notable for destroying the [[Daemonculaba]].
*[[Ortan Cassius]], a chaplain of the Ultramarines, is one of the oldest Space Marines alive and [[Bjorn the Fell Handed|not yet placed in a Dreadnought]]. The Tyrannic War Veterans were his idea.
*[[Varro Tigurius]], the Ultramarine's Chief Librarian, has enough psychic prowess to make psychic contact with the Hive Mind without going bonkers in the process.
*[[Torias Telion]] (aka; Sean Connery made [[Grimdark]]) is an Ultramarine Scout Sergeant. A skilled sniper, other chapters have borrowed him to train their scouts occasionally. He also has an impressive mustache.
*[[Captain Titus]] is a Captain of the who the fuck knows company (if the trim of his pauldrons are accurate, he's Captain of the 2nd Company). He gained prominence (will gain prominence?) on the forge world of Graia, trying to keep a whole Waaagh! from stealing all the bitz for themselves while keeping a probably radical Inquisitor happy. Also there's a portal to the warp letting out Daemons and Chaos Marines to go on a jolly old pub crawl. He is also one of the few Ultramarines who clearly states that the Codex Astartes is not meant to be a mental straightjacket. Thus, he is [[awesome]].
*Chaplain Varnus, an Ultramarines Chaplain dispatched to Lorn V. For perhaps the first instance in recorded time, he is a Space Marine who actually respects the Imperial Guard and couldn't ask for a better force (barring his own company).
*Aeonid Thiel: A sergeant during the Horus Heresy, despite being seen as a rule breaking maverick he ends up playing a major role in the groundwork for the Ultramarines post-war including the red panted helmets for sergeants, the Tactical Marine Squad and the co-writer of the Codex. Unfortunately some one on lexicanum though it would be funny to fuck him over and wank the Alpha Legion.
*Sergeant Cornellus: A sergeant of an embarrassing squad. Notable for Killing Eliphas the Inheritor the first time, stopping a demon invasion and finding the Ultramarines Scrabble set all while sounding like a baby
*Smurfette: The only female member of the Ultramarine chapter

==Quotes==

<blockquote>
"Chapters [not descended from Guilliman's geneseed] are disciples who owe their genetic inheritance to another [[Primarch]], but follow the [[Codex Astartes]] as keenly as their divergent heritage allows. While primarily composed of successor Chapters, this group also includes several Chapters of the [[First Founding]] - notably the [[Imperial Fists]], [[White Scars]] and the [[Raven Guard]]. <s>These chapters can never be Ultramarines, for their gene-seed is not that of [[Roboute Guilliman]]. Nevertheless, they will ever aspire to the standards and teachings of the great [[Primarch]].</s> Fucking [[Matt Ward]]...

[Chapters who do not emulate the Ultramarines] are aberrants; chapters who, through quirk of gene-seed, mutation or stubbornness, eschew the Codex Astartes in favor of other structural and combat doctrines. Some, such as the [[Blood Angels]] and their successors, strive to be worthy of Guilliman's legacy, but their recalcitrant gene-seed drives them ever further from it. Others, such as the [[Space Wolves]] and the [[Black Templars]], remain stubbornly independent, looking to [[Primarch|their own founder's]] ways of war (which is hilarious for the Templars) and caring little of how they fare in the eyes of others. These aberrant Chapters were always few in number and their presence diminishes with each passing decade, for their gene-seed is no longer the source of fresh Chapters."
</blockquote>
- [[Matt Ward]], Ultramarines player, codex writer, [[Codex]]: [[Space Marines]], 5th Edition, p. 25.

<blockquote>
"The Ultramarines are undoubtedly the best Space Marines ever. Yes, really! Thanks to the heritage of Guilliman and their myriad heroic deeds, the Ultramarines are the exemplars of the Space Marines. With a few fringe exceptions who have severe mutations <nowiki>[</nowiki>[[Blood Angels]]<nowiki>]</nowiki> or stolid stubbornness <nowiki>[</nowiki>[[Space Wolves]] and [[Dark Angels]]<nowiki>]</nowiki> all [[Space Marine Chapter]]s want to be like the Ultramarines and recognize [[Marneus Calgar]] as their [[spiritual liege]]."
</blockquote>
- Matt Ward, Ultramarines player, codex writer, in the [[White Dwarf]] interview celebrating the release of Codex: Space Marines.

<blockquote>
"But your teachings…"<br/>
"Are yet flawed," said Guilliman. "No one, not even one such as I, can anticipate every possible outcome of battle. My words are not some holy writ that must be obeyed. There must always be room for personal initiative on the battlefield. You and I both know how one spark of heroism can turn the tide of battle. That knowledge and personal experience can only be earned in blood, and the leader in the field must always be the ultimate arbiter of what course of action should be followed."
</blockquote>
- [[Roboute Guilliman]], making a point that his successors would quickly forget about and [[Matt Ward|the writer above]] would ignore.

==Daily Rituals==
04:00 - The Ultramarines rise up from their sleep in their marble-encased sleeping chambers.

04:30 - Morning Prayers. The Ultramarines conduct morning prayers on why they are the SECOND TO TEH EMPRAH! and how all other chapters view [[Marneus Calgar]] as their ''Spritual Liege.''

05:30 - Codex Astartes. The Ultramarines are indoctrinated and reminded on the rules and values of the Codex Astartes.

08:00 - Morning Firing Rites. The Ultramarines enter target practice with spiritual guidance from the chaplain Asswhoopicus.

09:00 - Battle Practice. The Ultramarines transcends from Macragge's Colosseum to train against each other, the local Macragge fauna and Battle Servitors.

10:00 - Morning Meal. While later than some chapters, the Ultramarines feast upon a light meal made of fruits, biscuits and light meat by the Chapter serfs. The serfs are thanked soon afterwards in a manner of respect.

10:15 - Tactical Indoctrination. The Ultramarines head to see the latest battle plans and which military techniques that can best complement the Codex Astartes.

10:30 - Meetings with the Spiritual Liege. Whilst the rest of the Ultramarines practice reciting the Codex Astartes, Roboute Guilliman and the leaders from each of the Ultramarine's companies discuss on political, socio and military affairs of Ultramar and the Imperium at large. Discussions and tactical briefings on Guilliman's long absence lasts for hours, with plenty of facepalming and sighing from said Primarch.

11:00 - Afternoon Wargames. The Ultramarines conduct in [[Tabletop Miniature|miniature wargames]] to best stimulate strategic and combat play which can be learned and adapted in real life combat.

13:00 - Midday Meal. A light meal of cheese, bread, meats and vegetables is prepared by the Chapter serfs.

13:30 - Codex Astartes. More indoctrination of the Codex Astartes are read to ensure that the Ultramarines never diverge from the book of Guilliman.

15:00 - Evening Firing Rites. The Ultramarines enter target practice.

16:00 - Battle Practice. The Ultramarines are now dropped into the wilderness of Macragge to fend off the local fauna and flora there. The animals and plants killed are sent to the Chapter Serfs for more ingredients.

17:00 - Evening Prayers. The Ultramarines gather together to prayers on why they are the chosen chapter and why the Ultramar System is the best system.

18:00 - Nighttime Firing Rites. The Ultramarines take target practice in the night to further hone in their nocturnal experience.

19:00 - Battle Practice. The Ultramarines descend from one of the neighboring planets in Ultramar to further fight the planet's local fauna and flora.

19:30 - Daily Medical Checkup. Whilst the rest of the Ultramarines are busy practicing their combat prowess, the long hours on learning the state of the Imperium has left Roboute Guilliman in a state of dismay, anger and facial injuries after a non-stop continuous act of facepalming at the sheer incompetence and idiocy of humanity. [[Apothecaries]] try and fail to warn their Primarch that continued usage of the facepalm will eventually give the Avenging Son a concussion.

20:00 - Evening Meal. A feast made from the creatures slain by the Ultramarines earlier on is cooked in the finest ingredients. Cooking it perfectly gets the serf a purity seal of valor while cooking it imperfectly forces the serf to be read the entire Codex Astartes section on cooking.

21:00 - Cleaning up Guilliman. The Ultramarines goes and clean up their Primarch's marble chambers after Macragge's daily tourist traps is closed for the night. Special care is given in Roboute's hair in order to caste on his perfection to the Imperium. With Guilliman up and running, the throne is now equipped with a holographic image to compensate for their now active Primarch.

22:00 - Free Time. The Ultramarines get free time. Some continue to read the Codex Astartes, others pray to the Emperor while some go out of their Fortress Monastery to catch up on the local news and political affairs as well as hanging out with the citizens of Macragge.

24:00 - Rest Period. The Ultramarines descend back to their marble-encased sleeping chambers to rest.

==Some music==

*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_wTXrLsZvVI Their theme] done by [[HMKids]].
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rt1M8iZNHpQ Their theme] from Chaos Gate. Became a major meme among Russian 40k fans due to some deliciously stupid [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBg9ZAqBifQ misheard lyrics].
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pf9AaTV4-yw A track] from their official movie.

==Gallery==
<gallery>
File:Spacemarine.jpg|[[Iron Hands|Sgt Pasanius didn't want that hand anyway.]]
File:Warhammer ultramarine take 2 by faroldjo.jpg|Say what you want about Ultramarines, but their Honour Guards looks pretty boss.
File:Ultramarines concept by Malkavian7515.jpg
File:Pimp Suit.png|Captain Cato Sicarius' power armour, also known as the Mantle of the Mary Suzerain
File:CodexSM EPUB Cover.jpg|Ultramarines got the front cover of the Space Marine Codex and admittely looks fucking cool for it.
</gallery>

==See also==
*[[Who Watches Them]]
*[[Macragge heresy]]
*[[Ultramarines Honour Company]]
*[http://www.scribd.com/doc/118383071/WD97-Chapter-Approved-Index-Astartes| The past wot got remade by their presence - the original Chapter Approved write up of the "Ultra-Marines."]

{{Template:Marines-Official}}
[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Imperial]][[Category:Space Marines]][[Category:Matt Ward]]

Imotekh the Stormlord

2017-04-08T05:12:11Z

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{{skub}}
{{cleanup}}
[[File:Stormlord.jpg|200px|left|thumb|In all his ego-maniacal glory]]
[[File:Imotekh the Stormlord 7th edition.PNG|200px|right|thumb|Imotekh as of [[Warhammer 40,000 7th edition|7th edition]]]]
'''Imotekh the Stormlord''' is the [[Necron Lord|Phaeron]] of the Sautekh Dynasty and the obligatory "costs more than a [[Land Raider]]" character for the [[Necron]]s (until 7th Edition rolled in and made his points cheaper). [[Fluff]]wise, Imotekh was the greatest general of the Sautekh Dynasty pre-biotransference and is, today, a commander rivaled only by [[Creed]]. His plans are, in fact, so clever and hyper-logical (this is the actual word [[Matt Ward]] uses) that the enemy must [[Ork|abandon all logic]] to fight them.

Imotekh's rise to power began when the Sautekh Dynasty's Phaeron was found to have perished in the great sleep, and the resident Necron Lords decided they'd turn the Tomb World into Game of Thrones in SPAAAAACE, trying to pick a new one. This infighting went for sometime until Imotekh was raised by a Lord hoping to use him to win the war. After hearing about what was going on Imotekh killed the lord who rez'd him, raised his own army and proceeded to bitch and dick slap the rest of the Lords back into line and crowned himself Regent. As Regent Imotekh commands the full might and resources of eighty Tomb Worlds. Since then Imotekhs devoted all his time and effort into GETTING. SHIT. DONE.

[[Settra the Imperishable|If this sounds familiar to you, good, you're paying attention.]]

He led a small and greatly outmatched force of Necrons defending an awakening Tomb World from the Eldar. Turned the tables on them and killed every last one of them, except for their leader [[Eldorath Starbane]] (basically an Eldar version of [[M'kar]]), who he let go crying back to his craftworld after he took his hand. He also conquered an Imperial world whilst fighting against the Black Templars. During which he met Marshall [[Helbrecht]], whom he beat up, behanded, told off, and threw from a building.

Which brings us to the first of Imotekh's two big flaws: pride. While he could easily obliterate an enemy without ever having to put a metal foot on the field, Imotekh has decided that he needs to beat them in close combat for no other reason than to prove how superior he is. This wouldn't be so bad if he actually killed them. Rather he humiliates them (usually by taking their hand) as a lesson and lets them survive so that they can come back as a challenge. How his logic can completely avoid potential Thunder hammers to the face is beyond us; then again he has a Phase Shifter, and can potentially self-repair after a hit from a Demolisher cannon due to being a Necron (In fact that's kinda how he beat Helbrecht; he just took all the hits and repaired himself until Helbrecht got tired). It should be noted that Matt Ward has stated that Imotekh isn't a close combat killing machine but THINKS he is, this is backed by the fact he has no melee weapons and has phantom pain from a busted knee which happened when he was still flesh and blood (since his new knee works fine and, like the rest of him, can go incorporeal and self-repair after being hit by an anti-tank weapon).

Imotekh's other big flaw is that his impossibly brilliant plans can all be foiled by a single Ork. While he tries to account for everything, Orks [[What|are too random and illogical to plan ahead for, and always ruin his plans.]] To this end he desires to see every single Ork in the galaxy vaporized. Exactly why he can't account for orks is a little unclear; nobody else in the galaxy seems to have much problem with figuring them out: they want to smash stuff up. Thankfully [[Nemesor Zahndrekh|Imotekh's replacement]] as Sautekh dynasty Nemesor has no such problems, and happily mops up greenskins that piss his Regent off, in no small part because he's not much saner himself.

Recently Imotekh realized that fear is just as potent a weapon as his troop's vaporizing rifles. To this end he will let terrorized enemy troops escape capture, letting them run back to their buddies and spread panic and fear, while also infecting them with Bloodswarm nanoscarabs so that any flayed ones nearby can hone in, pop out of the ground and rip them to pieces. And as if that wasn't scary enough, this mofo carries his own personal Lightning Storm into battle. Yup. Through some powerful Necron technology or sheer badassery, Imotekh can summon a dramatic lightning storm in battle. Now as if fighting genocidal self-repairing robots with lasers while your buddies are rambling about how scary they are as more come to tear you to pieces wasn't bad enough, you also have to worry about getting struck by fucking lightning.

On the table Imotekh is a force to be reckoned with, however his strengths lie in his special rules rather then being a power house himself. He can make flayed ones re-roll the deviation dice only, and with his warlord trait he can add or substract 1 to all your seize the initiative and reserve rolls(Croissant buffet). That being said he is still a powerful character. His stats are in line with that of a regular Overlord, but he packs some nice wargear. His shooting is a flamer and an enhanced staff of light(S6 AP2 assault 3, a real TEQ-hunter), however his lightning storm makes up for this. Once during his shooting phase each enemy unit has a 1 in 3 chance of getting struck by d6 str6 lightning bolts(put him in the same unit as a destructor so he can re-roll for max trolling). With a 2+4++ save, toughness 5 IWND and ever-living Imotekh has good staying power. While he can take hits in assaults they are not truly his strength. Despite this, should he kill an enemy character in close combat he does have a special rule that reduces their leadership further.

Imotekh arguably appears in DOW: Dark Crusade and Soulstorm (that's the vidya gaems), in that the Necron Lord can choose a certain artefact from the Forbidden Archive called the 'Lightning Field', by which he can discharge bolts of lightning onto a certain ground position to fuck over enemy infantry. This artefact can RAPE any infantry it hits, or at the least knock them on their pansy arses. It's charged by melee combat. So now Imotekh can lead your Necron troops into cyberspess too!

{{Necrons-Characters}}

Melta

2017-04-07T05:20:14Z

2601:246:8200:D4:85C1:2368:3B:BD0B:

'''Melta weapons''' are a type of anti-armor weapon used widely by the forces of the [[Imperium]] and [[Chaos]]; the [[Tau]], [[Eldar]] and [[Necrons]] also employ their own variants. Think of infrared ovens IN SPACE, infused with extra [[RAGE]], and shot out using a tremendous amount of infrared light to [[rage|super-agitate]] the target, so that it heats up to the point where it's hot enough to melt anything from power-armor to super-heavy tank armor.

The problem with melta-based weapons is that due to the super-high energy consumption and heat generation, it's only usable at short range. In comparison to the equally useful [[Plasma]]-based guns, meltas are a lot stronger but have a much shorter range, but then again meltas don't explode in your face on a bad roll, but on the gripping hand, Plasma weapons allow your troops some breathing room since they can be used at medium range so your troops aren't always at the risk of being caught in a vehicle's explosion, murdered in CQC, or ambushed by a nearby gunline after they fire off their guns in one turn.

Though suited towards tank hunting, the melta-based guns are good weapons for all-around attack, defense and infiltration, though it falls short in terms of range. Infiltration with this can [[Butthurt|take vehicles out of the fight before they even have a chance to fire their weapon]]... maybe [[Vance Motherfucking Stubbs|that's how the Baneblades were lost?]]

Depictions of melta weapons firing have been spotty in the face of publications and vidya gaems. In several publications and [[Dawn of War]]: Soulstorm, melta weapons fire a constant stream, like a laser-flame thrower. But in the [[Warhammer 40,000: Space Marine|Space Marine video game]] they fire a single rapid wave of energy (they're also essentially shot-guns; Titus dispersed the beam so he could kill more Orks per shot), and the [[Dawn of War II]] series have melta weapons firing a single blue/purple beam, while Dark Crusade uses discrete blobs of melt.

==Imperial Melta Weapons==

===Inferno Pistol===

The '''Inferno Pistol''' is a rare pistol-sized melta weapon. Only the [[Ordo Hereticus]], [[Blood Angels]] and [[Sisters of Battle]] get to use them. Their range is so short that you would have more opportunities to perform a [[Adeptus Orthodontus|root canal]] on your enemy in the middle of battle than use them (with even less range than the famous Bruce Lee one-inch punch). Still, those [[Hats|big-hatted pastors]] love nothing more than the look on your face when they one-shot your Leman Russ. [[Blood Angels]] and their successors have a variant called the '''Infernus Pistol'''. [[Sanguinius]] used one in combination with his [[Power weapon|Power Sword]] for close combat, and [[Dante]] currently wields an Artificer Infernus Pistol known as the Perdition Pistol.

With their latest codex the Inferno Pistol is now at home with the [[Blood Angels]] and available to a variety of their assault specialized units.

===Meltagun===

[[File:Meltagun.png|200px|thumb|right|The ubiquitous meltagun, one of GW's [[Butthurt|only]] [[Awesome|original]] [[Skaven|ideas]]. Though forms of suspiciously similar real-life microwave-based weaponry predate WH40K by at least two decades.]]

The '''meltagun''' is the standard armor-breaching "special weapon" available to Imperial armies -- Tactical Squads of [[Space Marines]] can take one, Special Weapon Squads of [[Imperial Guard]]smen can take three, basic Sisters of Battle can take two and Sororitas Dominions can take up to four.

===Multi-Melta===

The '''multi-melta''' is essentially two meltaguns strapped together and supercharged, and in game terms only doubles the (already sucky) range and makes it a heavy weapon. This thing is still beastly and tears apart single targets, vehicles or otherwise, but are so huge that only [[Space Marines]] and the [[Sisters of Battle]] can lift and move them by hand. It should be noted that Sisters of Battle love Melta weapons and, if given the chance, would only ever carry these things and [[Flamer|Flamers]].

=== Melta Bomb ===

For millennia, the [[Adeptus Mechanicus]] hypothesized that there was a melta weapon with even less range than the meltagun, and sure enough, one day they found the melta bomb [[STC]] printout. Melta bombs are land-mine-sized fusion charges used to destroy enemy vehicles and fortifications; because they have to be placed next to the target to be effective, they are mostly given to assault units who will get up close and personal with the enemy on a regular basis.

===Melta Cannon===

[[File:Meltablast.jpg|350px|thumb|left|There is no better kill lthan overkill]]
The [[Imperial Guard]] felt left out, and decided to strap two Multi-Meltas together and show up the Sisters by making the '''Melta Cannon''', an EKS BAWKS HUEG Melta weapon strapped to the Devil Dog variant of the [[Hellhound]] tank. This thing dumps small blasts worth of Multi-Melta statline upon anything it deems unlucky today, and is one of the best ways of dealing with [[Terminator|Terminators]]. [[Titans (Warhammer 40,000)|Titans]] get an even bigger Melta Cannon with absolutely rapetastic statline - it's S10 AP1 10" (yes, TEN inches) blast that always roll extra D6 on partials and 2D6 on direct hits, and due to being primary weapon it also allow you to reroll primary to-pen dice. The only two downsides are its mediocre (for a titan) range and lack of ignores cover, which is silly, because fluff-wise this thing would melt through any wall and bunker like it was made of butter, not to mention some silly ruins and trees.

===Magna-Melta===

The '''magna-melta''' is the [[Caestus Assault Ram]]'s main ranged weapon. It is primarily intended for cutting through spaceship hulls to deposit its boarding crew inside, though it turns out to vaporize soldiers just fine on the ground.

===Melta-Cutter===

The [[Death Korps of Krieg]]'s [[Hades Breaching Drill]] uses a melta-drill to dig through the ground. This '''melta-cutter''' is also extremely effective at liquifying units above ground.

===Siege Melta Array===

The [[Mastodon]] Superheavy Transport, in addition to its other wonderful bullshit, sports a front-mounted battery of melta weapons, ideal for punching massive holes in the heaviest targets. While this is perfect for opening breaches in fortresses for transport to vomit its 40-man capacity into, it's also an excellent answer to enemy superheavies or just deleting fortifications, as its Stone Burner rule scores extra hits with every Penetrating Hit against a fortification.

{{Template:40k-Imperial-Weapons}}

== Eldar Melta Weapons ==
The [[Eldar]] employ fusion guns, fusion pistols, and fire pikes for their portable anti-tank weaponry. Fusion guns and fusion pistols are meltaguns and inferno pistols in a shape more pleasing to Eldar aesthetics, but fire pikes are longer range (18") meltaguns with no additional downsides. Fire Dragons can take a fusion gun on every squad member and their sergeant can take a fire pike.

{{40k-Eldar-Weapons}}

== Dark Eldar Melta Weapons ==
[[Dark Eldar]] have the Heat Lance, a weapon that takes the best of the Lance and Melta weapons to obliterate any vehicle that gets too close.

{{Template:40k-DEldar-Weapons}}

== Ork Melta Weapons ==
[[Ork]] [[Psyker|Weirdboyz]] who have cheating dice rolls can throw a melty lightning blast capable of vaporizing Land Raiders. It's called [[Derp|Psychic Vomit]]. Yes, they vomit energy.

== Necron Melta Weapons ==
Yep that's right, even the Crons have Melta-Weapons in the form of the Heat Ray that can be used either as a focused beam (two shots at STR8 AP1) or as a heavy flamer (AP4 STR5) is used exclusively by the [[Triarch Stalker]], and the short-ranged but very destructive Heat Cannon used by Sentry Pylons.

== Tau Melta Weapons ==

=== Fusion Blaster ===
The primary [[Tau]] melta weapon is the '''fusion blaster''', the equivalent of the Imperial meltagun, only with higher range (think middle point in between of regular meltagun and multimelta). It's always mounted on battlesuits or vehicles.

=== Fusion Collider ===
A nice new toy for the nice new XV-95 Ghostkeel suit, the Fusion Collider is functionally a Fusion Blaster with a Blast template allowing it to destroy tightly packed TEQ's and Vehicles.

=== Fusion Cascade ===
The close-quarters-focused XV-9 Hazard [[Battlesuit]] can also take a '''fusion cascade''', which is capable of a higher rate of fire (it's Assault D3 instead of 1), at the cost of reduced strength (S6 instead of 8), though it is still as capable of penetrating armor as a regular Melta.

=== Fusion Cannon ===
[[Forge World]] produces a variant turret for the [[Hammerhead Gunship]] that mounts a twin-linked '''fusion cannon''', which is the equivalent of the [[Devil Dog]]'s Melta Cannon (i.e. a melta pie-plate) but <s>twin-linked</s> with two shots (though each of them counts as separate weapon, so no move and shoot both).

=== Fusion Eradicator ===
While humans made their titan-sized melta cannons having huge blasts, Tau went the different way and basically created gatling-multimelta, capable of evaporating any single target in a torrent of heat, and mounted it on Ta'Unar Supremacy Suit. They have yet to figure out how to make it more reliable, as in a current state it wears of so quickly the whole weapon system should be replaced after each battle, and it's not a cheap thing, but as the Imperial Knights lead the Imperium's counter-attack to retake the Damocles Gulf, a weapon, capable of reliably one-shoting them is worth any price.

{{40k-Tau-Weapons}}

[[Category:Chaos]][[Category:Necrons]]

Splinter Weapons

2017-04-07T05:16:16Z

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In the [[40k|far future]] of [[grimdark|sunshine and rainbows]], the [[Dark Eldar]] mastered a weapon cruel even for this setting. Taking the [[Shuriken Catapult|Shuriken weapon]] technology of the [[Eldar]] but replacing the standard plasti-crystal ammunition block with a crystallized block of potent toxin instead.

The difference between the two weapons is that the projectiles fired from Splinter Weapons lack the size to deal damage on their own; they act as vessels that puncture armor so that the poisons can do their gruesome work. This means that while they are highly effective against even the largest monsters they are unable to damage tanks and reliably penetrate power-armored targets, forcing the necessity of other weapons to deal with armored targets. They leave the target with a face distorted into an agonised grimace like an even more fucked up version of the Joker. It has yet to be decided whether Splinter Weapons of Duke Sliscus' Corsairs; the Sky Serpents, fire conventional Splinter Ammunition or crystallized manly tears wept by their previous foes.

Also, because of the Dark Eldar's need to cause maximum pain in combat, infantry-carried splinter weapons are normally fitted with a number of blades. So basically, [[Ork|their guns are choppy shootas that shoot choppy dakka]]. Fluff details that the Dark Eldar have running contests to create even more fucked-up toxins to crystallize into ammunition, the better to cause a number of [[Fun|interesting]] effects on those they gun down. Interestingly, the Dark Eldar do have antitoxins for their own weapons, but most Dark Eldar consider it a point of pride to not use them. It's also quite likely they'd be dead before it could be administered, but whatever.

==Splinter Pistol==
The standard sidearm of the Dark Eldar and often employed as an off-hand weapon for many warriors who wield two weapons, this pocket-sized weapon does not rate under its larger cousins in any way in the area of sheer lethality.

==Splinter Rifle==
The most commonly used weapon by the Kabalite Warriors, it is light and accurate enough to fire on the move while still threatening the enemy with a hail of lethally poisoned splinters.

==Splinter Pod==
Somewhere between the Splinter Rifle and the Shardcarbine, the Splinter Pods mounted under the Skyboards of the Hellions are designed to fire without a conventional trigger and can still deliver a considerable amount of firepower while on the move.

==Shardcarbine==
Larger than a Splinter Rifle but not by much, the Shardcarbine fires more reliable and faster than its smaller version at the cost of some maximum range. Favored by many experienced warriors, Scourges and other who thrive on causing pain and death.

==Splinter Cannon==
The biggest version of the weapons, the Splinter Cannon is small enough to be carried by an infantryman and can still release a lethal hail of fire capable of wiping out entire swathes of infantry at the same time. This weapon has two modes of fire: the regular that allows for the user to move and shoot at the same time, or the heavy mode that delivers a higher rate of fire but requires the wearer to brace due to the weapon's increased recoil.

{{Template:40k-DEldar-Weapons}}
[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Dark Eldar]]

Lasgun

2017-04-07T04:29:02Z

2601:246:8200:D4:85C1:2368:3B:BD0B: /* Why the Lasgun sucks */

[[Image:Guardsman.jpg|thumb|right|This is painfully accurate. Unlike the fucking lasgun. And the sad truth is, that it would probably do more damage than the actual gun.]]
[[Image:lasgun.jpg|thumb|right|Standard Cadian pattern Lasgun]]
[[image:KHARN LOEV FLASHLIGHT.jpg|thumb|right|[[Kharn]] also love <strike>Flashlight</strike>LASGUN!!]]
[[image:1271099410879.jpg|thumb|right|The closest thing to choice an Imperial guardsmen will have - what sort of lasgun he'll get (not an actual choice, generally speaking).]]

The humble (and we mean humble) '''Lasgun''' is the standard-issue armament of the average [[Imperial Guard]]sman in the [[Warhammer 40,000]] setting. Given the incalculable number of Guardsmen under arms and the sheer scale of the [[Imperium]] itself, it is safe to say that the lasgun is probably the most common weapon in the entire galaxy that isn't some underhive piece of junk like stub guns, knives or other miscellaneous weapon.

The name is rather obviously a portmanteau of "laser" and "gun", but argument [[rage]]s [[skub|over how the word is meant to be pronounced]]. Many claim that the "las" should be pronounced "layz" (or in other words say that it's pronounced with a long "a", as the first part of "laser"), but others contend that this sounds retarded, and "lazz-gun" (or a short "a" sound, as in "glass") is a better pronunciation. According to [[Games Workshop]], its name is pronounced "Laze-gun"; however, Jeremy Vetock and Duncan Rhodes both say "Lazzguns," so it really is a toss up. (And unimportant).

It is almost universally described in the [[fluff]] as discharging with a sharp crack (caused by the beam ionizing the air it travels through), but some authors describe the lasround as either a "bolt" as in Star Wars or as a "beam" as in Dawn of War. Other features of the weapon have greater variation - some [[Black Library]] works and items such as the [[Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer]] describe the weapon as possessing a fully automatic firing setting; this feature is represented by Rapid Fire rule on the tabletop, but not represented in Dark Heresy, which can be explained away by virtue of the fact that there are many different patterns of Lasgun produced throughout the Imperium.

There is also some dispute as to the color of the "beam". Some fluff claims it to be blue, while games like Dawn of War portray it as red or something of a reddish-yellow. The popular ''Gaunt's Ghosts'' series of novels by [[Dan Abnett]] say that the Imperial weapons fire blue "beams", while the Chaos weapons fire red ones. In order to fix this [[Skub|mess]], we have proposed a Scientific fact on the issue...

*The Fact: the energy of each individual photon is determined by its frequency (i.e. colour); power output is energy per second, meaning the same power output is achievable with either more photons per second at a lower frequency (bright red) or fewer photons per second at a higher frequency (dim blue). In either case, the colour is also dependent on the gas it is traveling through, as the amount of energy transferred to the surrounding medium via [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compton_scattering]] depends on the mass of each gas particle, while the brightness depends on the amount of gas particles, so the laser would look different on different planets. Regardless, a fired lasround would never look like a "bolt" to any camera (such as a human eye) operating at a frame rate lower than approximately a billion frames per second, so those depictions can safely be assumed to be [[heretical|heresy]]; it would look like any pulsed laser, i.e. a "beam".

== Why the Lasgun sucks ==

IT'S NOT A LASER! IT'S A LITTLE LIGHT BULB THAT BLINKS! - Guardsman Woody.

The lasgun is [[Derp|rather pathetic]] [[Grimdark|compared to the mainline arms and armour of most of the other armies of the setting]], useful only by virtue of the fact that Guardsmen come in ridiculous numbers (except in comparison to Tyranids, Chaos Cultists/Zombies, or Orks) and the application of statistical probability. The weapons are often derisively referred to as "flashlights," based on their individual uselessness, although this is arguably more of an example of how ridiculously tough everything else is in the setting.

The 6th Edition rulebook describes the lasgun as severing limbs at close range but further away it only goes about as deep as the liver, explosively flash-boiling said liver and all other squishy bits in the laser's path. That sounds awesome, until you remember that nearly every enemy of the Imperium has [[Chaos Space Marines|heat and energy-dissipating armor]], [[Orks|redundant biology]], or [[Tau|simply outrange them]]. Pretty much the only enemy an individual lasgun can reliably kill are other humans. They are on the same level of effectiveness as autoguns (which are basically AK-47s IN SPACE), except lasguns are even more durable, reliable, accurate (due to low to no recoil and the fact that the beam is not affected by gravity or wind, though shooting though a dust cloud or fog on the other hand is more problematic, so a B over all for atmospheric effects) and less dependent on massive ammo supplies; a single power-pack can, depending on the gun's setting, afford up to 100 to 140 shots on average, while an autogun magazine is usually 20-60 bullets (which, fun fact, is generally what typical lasguns set to max power usually can fire.) Plus you can recharge their batteries from Chimera generators, sunlight or even fire, while an autogun is useless once out of ammo for anything other than a fancy club or if you have the good fortune to have a bayonet, a vaguely sharp stick. Not that said bayonet on either weapon will help against orks or 'nids. And given the general competence of Munitorum depots, you'd probably end up with ration packs instead of ammunition, though this of course applies to lasgun power-packs, as well.

Combine this with most lasguns seeming to come pre-set to "medium power" (granting between 40 and 80 shots a pack on average not often not sufficient against anything besides clothes or a flak uniform's non-rigid bits,) and many places not bothering to actually include how to adjust power as part of basic training - probably (rightly) assuming the soldier won't live long enough for it to matter - and you end up with what amounts to the energy weapon equivalent of an especially snappy pomeranian.

Note: it's possible the lasgun doesn't work simply because the beam is not focused properly; in a wide variety of lasers, the beam is coherent (all the photons travel practically parallel of each other) only for a few meters, after which the beam is so scattered that it basically becomes a flashlight (Seriously. GW literally called the lasgun a glorified flashlight in an article. Of course, it was in a message to imperial troops about how ineffective enemy lasguns were). Someone should tell the Martian high Cheese to correct this by putting some other lenses up in this shit.

== Why the Lasgun is still being used ==

Although better known as a "flashlight", some players also call it "The AK-47 of the 41st Millennium", albeit ironically. Instead of being reliable, tough, relatively inaccurate and having a tendency to show up in the hands of just about everyone, it's reliable, common as fuck (like 100 for every human in the galaxy common), pretty damned tough, and accurate but that is only by 40k standards. ...So, yeah, I guess it is the AK of the 41st Millennium.

The lasgun has very low recoil, especially in comparison to a [[bolter]] or even an [[autogun]]. More like a jolt than a kick, probably, due to sudden change in air pressure. The powerpack that the weapon uses can fire about a hundred shots before running empty and can be easily recharged through any standard Imperial power supply, direct sunlight, and even heat. A relatively common practice of Imperial Guard units cut off from supplies is to place their lasgun power packs in open fires, although this does lower the pack's lifespan considerably and is [[heresy|frowned upon]].

The weapons are rather more useful in [[Dark Heresy]] than they are in the tabletop wargame, as their reliability, availability and plentiful ammunition become real considerations and they are rather more useful against the human foes that an agent of the Inquisition is likely to face.

Power packs for lasguns also vastly simplify a nightmare waiting to happen for ammunition logistics. Even if Autoguns were better in all ways than a lasgun, the Administratum would still use the lasgun for the power pack. Power packs, while not able to fit all sizes of lasgun apparently, can still be modified to fit, or be recharged in the middle of campaign. Especially important if you can't get any new supplies due to a variety of reasons (Enemy has orbital control, no one has your size caliber, ammunition expires, etc). This is important, since lasguns, the worst they can do if given the wrong size is not work. For an auto gun, with the wide range and variety of possible ammunition sizes, the best that will happen is that you won't fire your weapon, the worse, is that the shooter dies, and more importantly the weapon is destroyed. This is a strategy even being used today, to simplify ammunition supply problems by making all their guns fire the same cartridge. These same standards are impossible to enforce in the Imperium for an army the size of trillions.

One last thing about Lasguns is that they ''can'' be used as last-ditch grenades by basically making the entire power pack empty into the gun without ever actually firing it. It turns the Lasgun into an explosive comparable in power to a krak grenade or melta charge, depending on how badly it manages to fuck up whatever it was thrown at. It can even fuck the shit of a Chaos Dreadnought who thought he was going to make some Guardsmen go squish, and instead gets a lasgun-bomb surprise to the face. (It should be noted that this happened to a dreadnought whose front armor was already cracked from being hit by anti-armor weapons, so no way your overloading lasgun is going to help against an undamaged one)

One must wonder, considering how ass-cheap power-packs and the part of the lasgun this power dumps everything into to make it go "boom" are (compared to things like melta bombs and probably krak grenades as well,) why doesn't the Imperium make standard-issue grenades like that? Seriously, imagine guard squads with grenades almost comparable to melta charges ( which are pretty much miniature ''nukes,'') and remember that squads can get multiple assault grenade launchers. The answer is probably that the Techpriests would go completely apeshit for desecrating holy technology and try to secede. Again. Unless there's some threat that forces them to make such weaponry or some red-robed asshat can convince enough other red-robed asshats that it was totally an STC design of course.

Five counter-arguments to the lasgun-power-pack-grenade come readily to mind, discounting most guardsmen not being aware of this particular tactic.
* Firstly, the power pack's detonation timing is highly unpredictable, and as we all know, <del>anything that endangers an imperial infantryman will absolutely not be considered</del> only the most fanatical, stupid, or just plain reckless Guardsmen would be willing to use it regularly.
* Secondly, while a lasgun is pretty inexpensive in comparison to, say, a bolter, its power-packs are ''not'' as cheap to produce (they make up for it by being so easily recharged.) And only veteran soldiers tend to carry more than a small handful of packs; packs which said veterans probably looted off other guardsmen who didn't get to be veterans.
* Thirdly, the blast yield from a power pack is never described as being particularly strong. In the aforementioned example the soldier managed to open a dreadnought's faceplate just enough for the [[grimdark|local flora to kill it]], which sounds commensurate to a glancing hit, estimating the explosion closer to that of a krak grenade (S6) or maybe a little stronger. While still powerful when compared to regular old frag grenades, this is nothing like the famous melta bomb.
* A weapon, no matter how shitty, is still a soldier's baby. A soldier without his main weapon is generally a dead man, commissar or no, and the only time you would be forced to use your own, custom, probably personalized rifle if you live long enough to know this tactic, is in case of true emergency or imminent death. The same case that the first case of this ever being recorded happened.
* Finally, in the instance where a Guardsman survives using his weapon and its magazine in such a reckless manner, he must then face the wrath of his superiors (If he survives the incident); the sheer number of Munitorum violations involved in using a lasgun and its ammo as a makeshift bomb are staggering (and while most alone would probably result in perfectly survivable corporal punishment, such as say being repeatedly rifle-stocked in the balls four dozen times while hanging upside down, all added up it's more pragmatic to just make the punishment execution to save some time.) <del>Unless he manages to secure a new weapon beforehand of course.</del>

In all seriousness, the lasgun is very deadly when used in the hands of someone competent, and as being an effective combat weapon goes, anything not too heavily armored, like Traitor Cultists, Eldar Guardians, Ork Boyz, Tyranid Gaunts, and other Imperial Guard style forces are bound to be ridden with Laser holes. The Vostroyan Firstborn, for example, are renown for their precision with their lasguns and rewarded with high kill counts against everything from Orks to traitors. Elysian Drop Troopers are similarly known for exceptional marksmanship bred via necessity wherein they maximize lethality with minimal shots. And if you pray to the Emperor and get really lucky (given the Guard's numbers, they ''will'' get lucky, a lot), you might be able to take down a Chaos Space Marine (or equivalent) with it anyway - [[What|though Space Marines are also known to die after being poked (stabbed) by enough pointy (sharp hard) sticks on occasion after all or being stomped on by enough human beings at once]] Also, a point- or near-point-blank shot at maximum power from a lasgun can penetrate a Space Marine's helmet and turn his brains into impromptu house paint.

A quote from [[Black Crusade (RPG)]] sums up the las gun perfectly: ''"The Legionnaire that scoffs at a lasgun has not charged across an open field against a hundred of them."''
Of course, in Black Crusade a Legionnaire in power armor is all but impossible to wound with a lasgun (and that is what Horde rules are for!).

==Uses for the Lasgun==
*Warming soup
*Cigarette lighter
*Changing TV channels
*Selling to buy a new weapon
*Pissing off [[Thunderhawk]] pilots
*Shining in enemies' eyes
*Throwing at people (may cause more damage than shooting it at them)
*Burning ants
*Paperweight
*Laser sight for a boltgun
*Aide during PotentiaPunctum presentations
*Light shows
*Laser tag for kids (who are probably more dangerous than the gun itself)
*Lighting candles on birthday cakes
*Entertainment for your space-kitties
*Shooting bottles
*Hitting your officer's pipe (Warning, will result in [[Blam|BLAMing]])
*Flashlight
*Substitue baseball bat
*Salvaged for actual useful stuff
*Horsie rides
*Chair

== Other laser weapons ==

The lasgun also comes in carbine, pistol, bullpup, sniper ("long-las"), and light machine gun (the heavy lasgun, which so far seems to only exist in Black Library) - (Heavy laser is just a crew-fired multi laser) varieties, and the Imperium fields many other weapons based on the same technology, such as the [[hellgun]] (a powerful lasgun powered by a backpack power pack), the mighty [[lascannon]] (mighty being relative... SPESS MEHREENS can equip it), the even bigger [[Apocalypse|volcano cannon and turbo-laser]], the even bigger Defense Laser, and the bigger ''still'' laser weapons mounted on [[Battlefleet Gothic|starships.]] Must be a different type, though, because a broadside from a Retribution class battleship can devastate half a continent depending on the [[Skub|calcs]]. A single barrage from an Imperator class Titan can devastate an ''entire'' city with weapons as strong as modern day nukes. Keep in mind how large an Imperial city is.

Oh, and [[C.S. Goto|multilasers]].

=== Hotshot Weapons ===

A variant of the Lasgun, and unrelated to the [[Hellgun]] despite conflicting canon and similar usage, the Hotshot Lasgun and Hotshot Laspistol are weapons used primarily by the [[Stormtrooper]]s (and presumably other arms of the Imperial war machine). These are juiced-up versions of the Lasgun charge pack inside a normal Lasgun. They are designed to be used by elite troops or officers, who are generally better shots. Instead of the Hellgun's tactic of using lots of batteries to shoot several times per second, Hotshots use a super-concentrated laser blast to achieve the same kind of armor-penetrating power.
* On the table top they are S3 / AP3 / 18" Rapid-Fire.

=== Sniper Rifle ===

In the good old days the Imperial sniper rifle was the poorly named 'needle rifle' which was in fact a kind of laser weapon. Well, partly. It had two parts to each shot. It fired a narrow beam laser to burn through armor, and then it fired a 'needle' bullet; a spike of some kind of metal filled with horribly poisonous toxins. With the armor removed first, the spiky bit all but ensured a kill if you hit, spurting deadly death juice into your unfortunate body. Sadly they weren't especially well conceived weapons (hitting the same spot with two different weapons, one that responds to wind and gravity, and the other that doesn't is something of a challenge) so they've pretty much been written out of the setting these days. Now the term "sniper rifle" is used fairly loosely in the Imperium; many sniper rifles are simply over-powered lasguns called long-las rifles, while many others (such as those used by [[Space Marine]] [[Scout]]s) are high-velocity slug-throwers which have more in common with [[autogun]]s than they do with energy weapons. Then there are other more exotic variants firing poisoned darts or even stranger payloads. All of these variants have pretty much the same effect on the target, unless you play older editions or use special characters who have rules that say otherwise. Or play [[Dark Heresy]].

=== 30k Era/Great Crusade ===

{{Skub}}

First off there is the Lascarbine. Basically the same weapon as the Lasgun in a smaller package. Blast Pistols are S5 Las-pistols with Twin Linked and Gets-Hot. Usually not worth it. Auxilia las-rifles have better range. These have the option of taking Blast chargers. A one time ability that does more damage for skipping a turn. Roles of 1 prevent the player from using them for the remainder of the game.
They also [[awesome|come standard]] with Collimators. Switching out Rapid Fire for Heavy 2. Making any opponent think twice about about charging a squad of [[Solar Auxilia]]. As if a Super Heavy tank as a Dedicated Transport wasn't enough reason to stay out of range.

=== Adeptus Mechanicus ===

{{Skub}}

Like everything like in else in Warhammer 40k. Whatever the forces of the Imperium of Man have, the Adeptus Mechanicus will have discovered or created a better version of it. That they don't bother sharing with their own allies. As with every other fraction in the game.
[[Tech Thrall]]'s are thus far the only know Ad-mech troops to carry las-weapons. Admech Las-lock's sacrifice rate of fire for more damage per shot. Making it a superior version of the Hot-Shot lasgun. There is also the Mitralock, a [[what|laser shotgun]] with reduced range.
Both have the option to upgrade to Induction chargers [[awesome|increasing their shots to two.(represented as Assault 2 in game.)]] While still allowing them to Assault with no penalty. This turns them into a high risk unit to for any opponent dumb enough to charge them.

== Properties of a lasgun ==
It's easy to imagine being hit with a lasgun would be like having a hole burned into you like an ant being burned by a magnifying glass. That, of course, is not nearly grimdark enough to be the truth.

A military DEW (or Directed Energy Weapon since military forces love acronyms) comes in several different types, from microwave weapons which are mostly used to short out electronics, to Electrolasers which use lasers to ionize the air into a semi-superconductive channel, allowing an electrical current to be projected between two points like a glorified (albeit high-power) taser. This may in fact is likely how necron [https://1d4chan.org/wiki/Tesla Tesla weapons] work but that is neither here nor now. A lasgun however is most likely to be a pulsed energy laser. A pulsed laser works by imparting so much energy to an area so fast, that it turns into plasma and explodes. Modern versions create a pressure wave strong enough to stun and knock a person out (termed "Pulsed Energy Projectile), but they are less then-lethal weapons that don't penetrate things very well by design, while the lasgun is not.

Being hit with a lasgun would look and feel more like you were hit by a concussion grenade held up to your chest. You would see a bright flash of light as your skin or clothing vaporized into plasma, much like a high-end camera flash going next to the wound. Higher-power laser weapons might cause enough of an explosion to blow you back and maybe knock you unconscious, or if you got hit by one of the Lasgun's anti-tank big brothers, vaporize you outright turning you into an impromptu plasma grenade for the rest of your squad to deal with. The explosion would create enough hydrostatic pressure to likely scramble your internal organs and maybe snapping your bones in parts of your body distant from the explosion. However, if the lasgun hit something like armor, or even clothing it would induce an explosion only on the surface of the armor leaving the rest of you safe, though most assuredly stunned and dazzled from the plasma explosion. This explains why the Lasgun has a AP of only -. A Bolter's bolts, on the other hand, penetrate the exterior and then explode inside the target, meaning it can deal with armor and tough alien targets like Orks much easier, since you're effectively ignoring the armor on anything the mass-reactive warhead can punch through. The lasgun is clearly nothing to sneeze at; it's just that the vast majority of the Imperium's more exotic enemies are capable of taking that kind of punishment most of the time and still keep on fighting.

While the lasgun is portrayed in some media as having recoil, it doesn't in any true sense of the term. There might be a slight jerk on the barrel from the air pressure differential created by melting a hole through the air, a la a thunderclap, but the effects would be much more pronounced on the target (since there's no direct exchange of kinetic energy, the recoil can be zero, while there is a noticeable impact.) It might make a loud "crack" noise, due to Compton scattering, if it is fired in atmosphere and an abundant source of electrons is available (such as from the gun itself, if it is design appropriately). It should also be noted that at long range, if you were shot with one, there would be a substantial delay between the shot hitting you and you actually hearing the noise, making it an effective sniper's weapon. The second most common counterargument to this is that you would be able to follow the beam back to the sniper, but remember: you don't see the beam. It's too bright for you to be able to see it clearly, and you're going to be flashblinded by both the plasma explosion and the laser itself, if it's in a visible spectrum. Which it doesn't have to be. In fact, since Imperial lasgun is described as firing blue or white beams, the laser itself is likely ultraviolet, meaning there would be some brightness as it carved through the air, but not as much as a high-power laser backscattering into your eyes and giving you an impromptu round of Lasik. The most common counterargument is that the inverse square law means that, like all lasers, damage output from the weapon would catastrophically decrease with distance, making it absolutely terrible at sniper rifle ranges (particularly in an atmosphere with dust, water vapor and heat waves to mess with the laser's focus) without also being terrifyingly powerful in close quarters, which we know it is not.

Coming to that, [[Grimdark|the continued use of a lasgun is probably going to render you blind.]] Remember, this is a gun that shoots a whole bunch of light to do damage. It's going to be even harder on your retinas, even if you're not the one being hit by it. After all, just because you can't see UV light doesn't mean it's not bouncing around your eyeballs-this is why UV protection in sunglasses is such a big deal, and why your eyes sometimes hurt when you step outside on an overcast day. There's still light there, and it's still fucking with your very easily damaged optics. So unless the Departmento Munitorum issues some kind of protective eyewear or contacts to the Guardsmen (and don't kid yourself, this is 40K. They don't.), their vision is going to get worse and worse over time, until they finally go blind. Fortunately, this would take about six months to a year of exposure of combat level conditions, or one apocalypse battle on a gunline, and most Guardsmen are not going to live that long on the battlefields of the 41st Millennium, and if do live that like then you're an elite soldier (or commissar/commander) worth the laser eye surgery to keep fighting since you're now worth many times what a normal guardsmen is. Or you manage to buy a cheap pair of shades at your troop ship's market, which are actually pretty common even then.

TL, DR: It's not fun.

Too short, want more? Go [http://www.projectrho.com/public_html/rocket/sidearmenergy.php here].

==See also==
*[[Hellgun]]
*[[Laspistol]]

{{Template:40k-Imperial-Weapons}}
[[category:Warhammer 40,000]]

Penitent Engine

2017-04-07T03:44:39Z

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[[File:PentEng6.jpg|220px|right|thumb|Closest thing to give a [[Tech Priest]] a boner that isn't some old microwave or junk.]]
[[File:PenitentEngine.jpg|250px|left|thumb|[[Sisters Repentia|Scantily clad chicks]] [[/d/|wrapped around tightly and penetrated by wires and needles all around her body while experiencing her]] [[Red Rage|'Red Rage']] 24/7? [[/tg/]] approves!]]
Penitent Engines are mechanical engines piloted by [[Heretic|heretics]] [[Heresy|guilty of a terrible crime]] and want to atone for their sins. As usual they are the main walkers for the <s>Bolter Bitches</s> [[Sisters of Battle|Nuns with Guns.]] Thus they are given one of the [[FATAL|worst imaginable punishments available to the Imperium.]] A multitude of wires and chemical injectors are implanted into the heretics spine, which are then attached to a mechanical suit of destruction. When not engaged in combat, their chemical implants inject feelings of guilt and pain directly into their brains, reminding them on how much they fucked up in life. Driven by their pilot's frantic need for forgiveness, Penitent Engines charge towards enemy forces heedless for danger, knowing that only in death can forgiveness can be earned. Most pilots of the Penitent Engines are women since they mostly come from the [[Ecclesiarchy]] although male pilots are possible.

While somewhat [[Grimdark]], it is kind of off set by the fact that the pilots of Penitent Engines are considered strangely hot and sexy by /tg/. Whether is due to the fact that the pilots are mostly female who are 'penetrated' and 'wrapped' around with so many wires like some kind of [[Slaanesh|kinky bondage film]] or the fact that they are quite scantily clad in a single cloth robe is unknown, although most would point towards the former. Like the fucking [[Dreadknight|baby carrier]], the Penitent Engine suffers the general [[Fail|failure]] of exposing the driver to the elements. While it is to keep with the whole, "Dying gloriously in battle" shtick, they could at least put some cover so that the pilot could actually reach their enemies rather than getting sniped after immediately disembarking from a ship. Allegedly the chemical cocktail the drivers are drugged with gives them a insane endurance while letting them feel each wound so the fact their head's are likely to have gaping holes in it within a few seconds is actually intended. It helps that the people fielding Penitent Engines don't particularly like the people in them.

==Weaponry==

Penitent Engines are typically armed with close-combat [[Dreadnought]]-class weapons such as a large, circulating power saws, Chainfists, or other Power Blades on each of the walker's arms, as well as [[Flamer|Flamers or Heavy Flamers,]] which can be fired together or separately. The Penitent Engine can also use its [[Sentinel|legs to kick or stomp on enemy infantry]] since unlike the Dreadnought, the Penitent Engine doesn't have short, stubby legs.

{{Sisters-of-Battle}}
{{40k-Imperial-Vehicles}}

Stubber

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2601:246:8200:D4:85C1:2368:3B:BD0B: /* Disambiguation */

Stubbers, or stub guns, are weapons from as early as M2, but mostly 20th century [[Firearm|gun]]s (our times) in the 41st millennium. Needless to say, most haven't aged very well when you consider how powerful everything else is. The only thing that they have going for them is they are cheap, they can still kill an unarmored humanoid target, and are durable as hell and depending on its mechanics and care, can be and have been in use SINCE M2. They are incredibly weak against much of the universe's people - in fact, they are the only thing that a [[Imperial_Guard|Guardsman's]] paper armor will reliably stop. This should give you an indication of exactly how weak they are. But just remember - every dog has their day. Stub guns are actually capable of downing Terminators if the unlucky marine rolls a 1.

==Variants==
===Stub Gun===
[[File:40k-Stub-Boltok-Pistol.jpg|left|thumb|Some things... don't quite get better with age, but definitely age well.]]

God made men, Sam Colt made them equal, and John Browning made them civilized. It's a basic pistol in two variants: the stub automatic which is like a .45 caliber handgun and the stub revolver which is, of course, a generic revolver. If you're in a gang on a hive world, it'll work pretty well because you're probably going to be shooting at other people without armor, or lightly armored local law enforcement. Very reliable, unlikely to jam, manufacture is a breeze, and ammo is plentiful. However, if you're trying to shoot an [[Ork]], even headshots might just bounce off his skull.

===Hand Cannon===
Basically a semi-auto stub pistol on steroids, not unlike real-world .50 cal Desert Eagle of .454 Casull pistols in operation (It is worth to be noted that at least one model of hand cannon have it's caliber listed as being .54 cal, that equals roughly 13.06mm). Hand cannons are almost invariably heavy and cumbersome by pistol-grade weapons standards, in addition to having unforgiving recoil, requiring a degree of training and physical resilience to wield such a firearm.<br>
However, hand cannon do reward their users with the ability to kill even armoured or resilient to damage (like the Ogryns) opponents.

===Stub rifle===
Generally, a simple medium-caliber bolt-action or semi-auto hunting rifle. Existing in many patterns, generally such rifle is regarded as lowly civilian-grade weapon. However, it often sees action not as just a hunting or farming tool, but as a combat weapon in hand of lowly insurgents, cultists or militia fighters.

===Shotgun===
Imperial shotguns, in fact, changed little over millenia - they are the same smoothbore firearms, principally designed to either fire buckshot at close ranges or slugs to engage targets up to medium ranges. These are generally simple and cheap in construction and exists in different patterns and models throughout the Imperium of Mankind - from archaic over-and-under shotguns to pump-action ones to full auto combat shotguns, employed as a signature weapons of Adeptus Arbitres to models, specifically tailored for Space Marine's biology, thus having great mass and recoil, but also vastly greater stopping power.<br>
Also worth to be noted, that in addition to simple buckshot or slug shells, Imperial shotguns can fire specialised rounds, produced by the Adeptus Mechanicus, including the dreaded Executioner-pattern sniper slugs, having the ability to change their trajectory mid-flight and home in on their target thanks to miniature on-board cogitator.

===Heavy Stubber===
[[File:Krieg Centaur.jpg|250px|right|thumb|A [[Death Korps of Krieg|Krieg]] Centaur with a pintle-mounted Heavy Stubber.]]
Well-known is the Heavy Stubber, a machine gun used as a vehicle mount in the Imperial Guard, because in 40,000+ years, humanity has still been unable to top the genius of Weaponsmith John Browning's legendary [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M2_Browning M2] (who's surprised?). Just ask the goddamned [[Orks]].

It ''is'' basically a direct equivalent of Browning M2 .50 cal Heavy Machine Gun (Worth to be noted that some patterns of heavy stubbers actually resemble ones, except for the Vraks pattern Heavy Stubber, which looks more like an [[Nazi|MG42]]). Unlike the smaller Stub guns, Heavy Stubbers actually contain enough mass to do similar damage to a Bolter round at a much higher rate, and will reliably blow people's limbs off now as easy as they did then. Unlike the others which have been phased out, these are still in the mainline army arsenals, and are often pintle-mounted on vehicles or used in Heavy Weapon Squads in the [[Imperial Guard]]. Especially so for vehicles produced from worlds that do not have the resources to produce Heavy Bolters, or those who just find it more economical to push out a hundred Heavy Stubbers with the man-hours it would take to make a single Heavy Bolter. Obviously, they are not as strong as the Heavy Bolter they replace, which is several times more powerful than a regular Bolter, but they are stilled damned powerful enough, and they DO [[/tg/ gets shit done|GET SHIT DONE]]. Besides, if you're just trying to gun down enemy infantry, you don't strictly ''need'' a Heavy Bolter, or even a Storm Bolter, when a Heavy Stubber is just as capable of turning a human or human-equivalent into so much jelly. Then there are the different types of ammo, such as ones that break apart in the target and the ''pieces'' '''explode'''.

==Disambiguation==
One of the pitfalls of Games Workshop is that they really don't have an internal canon police. To wit, the difference between Stub weapons and Auto weapons is rather blurry. Some authors write as though these technologies are one-and-the-same, citing only vernacular differences for the existence of multiple terms for ignited-gas slug-throwers (or sometimes totally writing out one term or the other!). The game itself is not an exemption, as edition-to-edition, codex-to-codex, and supplement-to-official author changes cause a mess of personal opinion writing over personal opinion, and some authors sling both terms with abandon, interchanging one for the other whenever they feel one term is becoming overused.

To clarify, it is generally agreed that there are both Stubbers and Auto-weapons. Stub technology tends to be lower-tech, revolvers-to-WWII style weaponry, with an air towards larger-caliber and higher stopping-power. Auto-weapons tend to be higher-tech, Cold-War-and-on style weaponry, which emphasize accuracy and fire rate. Auto-weapons also cover any large-scale cannon, by virtue of necessitating better technology to fire large shells at a high rate, or colossal explosives at any rate. Bigger caliber and slower rates of fire denote Stub weapons, until you hit the point where infantry can no-longer wield them. Anything with explosive, tracer, frangible, or incendiary rounds are typically Auto-weapons. Muzzle-loaders like muskets or arquebuses are neither Auto nor Stub. Furthermore, autoguns are generally (but not always) described as firing caseless ammunition.

A good example to use would be pistols. A stub pistol would be either a revolver or a semi-auto magazine-fed pistol. An autopistol would be either a handheld automatic pistol or a burst-fire pistol. High-tech, [[Shadowrun]]-esque revolvers are still Stub weapons, while Kreig-made automatic slug-throwing cannons are still Auto weapons by default, and hand-crank Gatling guns could go either way. Pepperbox-style breach-loaders would be Stub weapons, and futuristic ignited-gas projectile weapons are Auto weapons. Since GW is pathologically incapable of consistency, the Cult Mechanicus Tech-Priest Dominus carries a 5-shot burst pistol called a macrostubber, even though its form factor and performance suggest that it should be called some type of auto pistol.

{{Template:40k-Imperial-Weapons}}
[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Imperial]]

The 666 Rituals of Detestation

2017-04-05T06:03:19Z

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The 666 Rituals of Detestation that [[Grey Knights|Grey Knight]] initiates must pass.

----
(Although not a rite, please note that for an Initiate to even be allowed the Grey Knight application form, said aspiring Knight must have proof that they have punched [[Matt Ward]] in the face)
* Rite 001: Fill in the Grey Knight application. Spell your name correctly.
* Rite 002: Answer the riddle of steel.
* Rite 003: Bring back squats and m
* Rite 004: Volunteer to be converted to a 4chan server for 1 month.
* Rite 005: Eat an entire peck of pickled peppers whilst punching a [[Carnifex]] in the face. Naked.
* Rite 006: Read all of the books written by Terry Goodkind and neither rage nor an hero.
* Rite 007: Kill [[James Bond|Bond]].
* Rite 008: Find a huge creature who should have huge guts. Rip and tear its guts.
* Rite 009: ???? HARD MODE: Figure out what ???? is. Do not tell anyone, even other GK Initiates
* Rite 010: [[Profit|Profit!!!]]
* Rite 011: Prove that Michael Jackson never molested a kid.
* Rite 012: Beat all 12 levels of ''Battletoads'' in a single run. Aspirant must resist the temptations to curse or swear, as these would interrupt veneration to our glorious Emperor. Absolutely no self-deprecation shall be permitted, for the Emperor guides thee in all things.
* Rite 013: Find [a water chip/the sacred G.E.C.K.] for your Vault.
* Rite 014: Correctly [[THIN YOUR PAINTS|thin your paints]].
* Rite 015: Confront [[Chaos]] and return.
* Rite 016: Become more manlier than the entire Manly Marine chapter.
* Rite 017: Get [[Games Workshop|GW]] to lower their prices.
* Rite 018: Re-read ''Descent of Angels''.
* Rite 019: Watch ''Gigli'' without falling to Chaos.
* Rite 020: Touch MC Hammer.
* Rite 021: When life gives you lemons make apple pie.
* Rite 022: Pick yourself up by your own bootlaces.
* Rite 023: Beat the Arena and kill the Adoring Fan.
* Rite 024: Use Candlejack's name withou
* Rite 025: Suck the Emprah's dick.
* Rite 026: Find the lost colony world called [[Avatar|"Pandora"]] in the pre-Gothic tongue. You will note that it is a blasted husk of moon orbiting a blue gas giant. [[Exterminatus]] it again in the ancient "Ritual of Destestation of the Alien", the only rite that predates the Chapter's founding.
* Rite 027: Become a veteran suicide bomber.
* Rite 028: Set yourself on fire, and, while aflame, freeze to death.
* Rite 029: Come back from the dead, Dreadnoughts don't count. HARDMODE: Do it without making physics angry.
* Rite 030: Deafen a Noise Marine with the sound of one hand clapping.
* Rite 031: Cause a paradox.
* Rite 032: Solve a different paradox.
* Rite 033: Come off as less of a dick than another Astartes in front of a common citizen.
* Rite 034: Make porn of it. No exceptions.
* Rite 035: Hold a private screening of aforementioned porn for the Emperor.
* Rite 036: Force a Chaos Daemon to praise the Emperor.
* Rite 037: Find out who peed on your rug.
* Rite 038: Find a shrubbery. Then find another shrubbery and place beside the other shrubbery. Only slightly higher, with a nice little path running down the middle.
* Rite 039: Locate the Net Terminal Gene. HARDMODE: Beat the current best time of 3,000 standard Terran years.
* Rite 040: Exit, pursued by a [[Bear Lore|bear]].
* Rite 041: Kill the [[Bear Lore|bear]].
* Rite 042: Find the ultimate question to life, the universe, and everything
* Rite 043: Cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with.... A HERRING!! *dramatic music!!*
* Rite 044: Hate without being a hater.
* Rite 045: Be a hater without hating.
* Rite 046: Sap a sentry.
* Rite 047: Take a break. You've earned it.
* Rite 048: Bitch slap an inquisitor. He had it coming
* Rite 049: Confirm that a witch weighs the same as a duck.
* Rite 050: Determine the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow. (What do you mean? African or Europ-{{BLAM|''*BLAM*''}})
* Rite 051: Simply walk into Mordor
* Rite 052: Overpay for a camel purchased from Crazy [[Hassan]]
* Rite 053: Partake in a [[Pretty Marines]] Pre-Battle Floral Arrangement Ceremony without becoming an [[Angry Marines|Angry Marine]] in the process.
* Rite 054: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
* Rite 055: Eat your head.
* Rite 056: Get better.
* Rite 057: Find 100 [[Vance Motherfucking Stubbs|baneblades]]
* Rite 058: Do dick pushups. On a bed of nails.
* Rite 059: Babysit Lofn. Do not succumb to her daawwwww-ness.
* Rite 060: Correctly assemble and paint a Forgeworld Imperator Titan, blindfolded with your hands and feet tied together.
* Rite 061: Paint said Forgeworld Imperator Titan. With your eyes.
* Rite 061: Fap to an army of [[Tyranid|Tyranids]].
* Rite 062: Slap an Angry Marine, with a chair, rebuild the chair and hit him again.
* Rite 063: Buy a copy of the Deathwatch codex.
* Rite 064: Kill a Plague Marine. Remove both of your helmets. Breath deeply. Do not lose consciousness.
* Rite 065: Shit a brick.
* Rite 066: Wipe out the Jedi Order
* Rite 067: Make [[FATAL]] playable.
* Rite 068: LEAVE THE BRONX. YOU ARE ORDERED TO LEAVE THE BRONX.
* Rite 069: [[Sisters of Battle]]. You know what we mean.
* Rite 070: Shoot down a Valkyrie. Without a gun.
* Rite 071: Wikileak this list.
* Rite 072: Sweatin' to the Oldies.
* Rite 073: Skullfuck a servo skull.
* Rite 074: Buttfuck a servo skull.
* Rite 075: Be fired out of a lascannon.
* Rite 076: Convince an Inquisitor to Exterminatus an entire planet even though there is no taint there (this is quite easy). Then be on said planet when the Exterminatus is performed and survive.
* Rite 077: Locate pre-Imperial machine spirit construct designated [[Blame!|S.A.N.A.K.A.N.]] and inform her that she is hawt. HARDMODE: Do not allow yourself to be disintegrated by Dark Age of Technology weaponry.
* Rite 078: Write a 5,000 page(12.0 font, single spaced) report detailing why Dreadknights are tactically unsound and present it to the Grand Master.
* Rite 079: Skateboard to the Quickymart NAKED. Harddickmode: The store must located on the grounds of a women's only Schola Progenium.
* Rite 080: <s>Convince GW to stop letting Matt Ward write fluff.</s> Mission accomplished.
* Rite 081: Do the previous rites blindfolded.
* Rite 082: Win a dance-off against the [[Disco Marines]].
* Rite 083: Buy, Model, Paint, and Field an entire chapter of [[Space Marines]]. HARDMODE: Still get laid.
* Rite 084: Successfully use "Death or Glory."
* Rite 085: Engage in, and win an elegant battle of wits with a [[The Wonderful Misadventures of: Inquisitor Fob and the Classy Marines|Classy Marine]].
* Rite 086: Fight for your rite (to paaaartaaaay!).
* Rite 087: Train a Magikarp to level 100 by just fighting other magikarp.
* Rite 088: Play the Mass Effect series, harbor no heretical thoughts toward the filthy xenos depicted.
* Rite 089: Buy the Emperor a dog and new curtains.
* Rite 090: Make Apple Jacks actually taste like apples so people will stop bitching.
* Rite 091: Put sugar in the fuel of a Retribution Class Battleship. HARDMODE: Find a potato big enough to fit in its exhaust pipe.
* Rite 092: Tip over 1,000 sleeping Grox, simultaneously.
* Rite 093: A coke bottle on purpose. Yes, the whole bottle.
* Rite 094: Travel to Terra, wait till midnight, sneak into (in a cardboard-box) the Imperial Palace, to the Emprah's throneroom, steal a snack out of the Ultimate Refrigerator, which is disguised as the Golden Throne.
* Rite 095: Infiltrate The Rock and release one of the captured Fallen. Escape without being seen.
* Rite 096: Recapture the Fallen you released and receive an commendation from the Dark Angels.
* Rite 097: Read the 5th edition Grey Knights Codex. Resist the urge to nuke GW's home office from orbit.
* Rite 098: Visit Wall Drug. Don't be disappointed.
* Rite 099: Find an 99Flake ice cream that actually costs 99p. During battle.
* Rite 100: Lead a squad to victory whilst performing an a capella version of "Boom Boom Dollar".
* Rite 101: Cooperate with a fellow Grey Knight in any other rite he performs.
* Rite 102: Cause a fellow Grey Knight you were helping to fail his rite.
* Rite 103: Simply walk into [[Mordor]]. Backwards.
* Rite 104: Resist asking the grandmaster why you have to do so many fucktarded trials.
* Rite 105: Track down the Blue Scribes of Tzeentch and write the recipe of your favorite cookies on their parchment.
* Rite 106: Beat I Wanna Be The Guy using one life. '''HARDMODE: '''on your first try in under 5 minutes
* Rite 107: Convince [[Khorne]] to mellow out and smoke a joint.
* Rite 108: Convince [[Nurgle]] to take a shower. HARDMODE: With soap.
* Rite 109: Convince [[Tzeentch]] to relax and just see how things play out.
* Rite 110: Convince [[Slaanesh]] to go to rehab for sex addiction. HARDMODE: Get him to go to rehab for the other stuff too. The dude needs help.
* Rite 111: Eat an entire Carnifex. The Grey Knight is allowed to have the Carnifex restrained beforehand, but if he wants it dead, he must kill it himself. '''HARDMODE: '''Eat it alive.
* Rite 112: Shake hands with [[Faptau]].
* Rite 113: Explain how the war started
* Rite 114: Prove that it indeed is Lupus, and make House laugh in the process.
* Rite 115: Cure the Lupus, and make House sad in the process.
* Rite 116: Reinfect the patient with Lupus, and make House laugh again in the process.
* Rite 117: Beat [[Halo|''Halo 2'']] on Legendary without dying
* Rite 118: Put your pauldrons on backwards.
* Rite 119: Break the cohesiveness and morale of a [[Blood Angels]] squad using only your penis. Bonus points for making them give into the black rage.
* Rite 120: Play a bitching guitar solo in space. Make sure everyone can hear you rock out.
* Rite 121: Determine the true legality of abortion. Tell no one.
* Rite 122: Snort [[Doomrider]] under the table.
* Rite 123: Convince a Sister of Battle to not be a pedo.
* Rite 124: Kill the garbage pail kids and carve your name into their heads with their teeth.
* Rite 125: Beat every video game that the Angry Video Game Nerd couldn't beat, especially ones he said are impossible, no matter how convincing his argument is.
* Rite 126: Manage to complete ''Battletoads'' in 2-player mode by yourself.
* Rite 127: Teach a [[Necron]] the value of human life, but be sure to not teach it the value of Xenos life.
* Rite 128: Read Warrior without succumbing to [[Rage]] for it's no nonsensical stupidity.
* Rite 129: Convince Inoue Orihime and Rangiku Matsumoto to have sex and then video tape them doing it.
* Rite 130: Kill Uwe Boll.
* Rite 131: Torture and kill Stephenie Myers in a fashion even Slaanesh wouldn't approve of. HARD MODE: Method can't include forcing her to read Warrior.
* Rite 132: Steal [[Doomrider|Doomrider's]] bike.
* Rite 133: Rhyme with orange(must be a real word).
* Rite 134: Do a barrel roll!
* Rite 135: Stop moralfaggotry.
* Rite 136: Rhyme with purple.
* Rite 137: Kill it with fire. "It" is preferably a [[furry]].
* Rite 138: C-c-catch the wave. Drink Coke.
* Rite 139: Read the Maradonia Saga and Eiken, then launch them at daemons and watch as their heads a splode from the sheer raw fuckness. That's not really needed even on HARDMODE, but it's funny so who the hell cares.
* Rite 140: Stop Happy Noodle Boy before people surrender to his demands, or before he becomes a giant Wilford Brimley and begins buttering your loved ones.
* Rite 141: Trick [[Tzeentch]] cultists into making you a professional-quality 5 course breakfast.
* Rite 142: Travel to Holy Terra to sacrifice a psyker to the Emperor
* Rite 143: Remember this lesson I teach you! Use it on nachos! HANGNAIL!
* Rite 144: Convince Lex Luthor that you are not WROOOOOOOOOOOOOONG! regarding Superman.
* Rite 145: Come with me, you belong with me! We eat the pig and together we burn!
* Rite 146: Recover an unopened bottle of Crystal Pepsi from the sedimentary strata of an underhive on Holy Terra.
* Rite 147: Drink it. If you vomit you must acquire another bottle and try again.
* Rite 148: Recover our sanctified archeotech plasma pistol Flame of the Emperor, from those [[Blood Ravens|Bloody Magpies]].
* Rite 149: Steal the Flame of the Emperor from the chapter vault and give it to the Magpies, tell no one.
* Rite 150: Form a Dreadnought barber shop quartet.
* Rite 151: Beat a [[Space Wolves|Space Wolf]] at a drinking contest.
* Rite 152: Eat at Bloaties Pizza Hog. Prevent you small intestine from shedding its inner lining through force of will.
* Rite 153: Dominate a Tyranid Dominatrix, sexually. '''HARDMODE:''' No whiskey may be imbibed by either party.
* Rite 154: Convince Fateweaver to headbutt himself.
* Rite 155: Train an Ewok to use chainsword.
* Rite 156: Train said Ewok to use its chainsword to kill Bella Swan.
* Rite 157: Watch Godzilla jump into the air and bodyslam Megagurius and keep a straight face.
* Rite 158: Steal all the skulls from the Skull Throne, and leave a sign saying "I killed your precious, hahaha!" without Khorne being confused by it.
* Rite 159: Fix everything wrong with Soul Storm.
* Rite 160: Find a monster many times your size and grab its tail, then spin round and round and thrown it into a giant bomb.
* Rite 161: Become a 3rd party presidential candidate and get elected president of the United States of America.
* Rite 162: Inform EA that units making lots of horrible puns does not equal comedy.
* Rite 163: Beat [[Kharn the Betrayer]] with his own ax.
* Rite 164: Kill Kenny McCormick, YOU BASTARD.
* Rite 165: Win a battle against an Ork Stompa. With your bare hands.
* Rite 166: Beat an Ork mekboy with his own tools
* Rite 167: Pet the dog.
* Rite 168: Insult the Hulk to his face, and live.
* Rite 169: Learn to shoot and kill enemies without actually look at them or aiming your gun. No asking Alucard for help with this rite.
* Rite 170: Learn the Falcon Punch.
* Rite 171: Beat Penance with a no sphere grid party, and not summoning Yoshimbo.
* Rite 172: Steal glory from any Imperial force before the [[Galactic Partridges|Partridges]] do. Bonus points if it's a First Founding Legion...even more if it's the Space Wolves
* Rite 173: Steal glory from a Partridge. '''HARDMODE:''' Steal glory from their Chapter Master
* Rite 174: Kill Azathoth in game of Arkham Horror.
* Rite 175: Find a hiding Sergeant Mkoll. HARDMODE: Find a hiding Scout Trooper MkVenner and actually live to tell the tale.
* Rite 176: Replace the phrase "you and what army" with "you and what Hulk."
* Rite 177: Defeat Norio Wakamoto in ham to ham combat.
* Rite 178: Listen to a [[Flesh Helms|Flesh Helm]] speak without going mad or committing suicide
* Rite 179: Learn the origin of Dr. Insano, tell nobody.
* Rite 180: Beat every serving Chapter Master at darts.
* Rite 181: Acquire CharlesAtlasSuperpower.
* Rite 182: Walk up a flight of stairs in full [[pauldrons|armor]] without breaking them.
* Rite 183: Score a perfect 10.0 at a diving event. With Power Armour. You are not allowed to blackmail or intimidate the judges into submission.
* Rite 184: Move Zig
* Rite 185: For Great Justice! (Not to be confused with the heretical "Greater Good" of the faptau)
* Rite 186: Ninja Gaiden. In a single life. No breaks. No passwords. No pauses. Right now faggot.
* Rite 187: Steal an ancient video titled disc "Bible Black" from the Emperor's private porn stash. Don't get caught by the Custodes. Watch it with the English language track. Don't even crack a smile.
* Rite 188: Use you knowledge of the psyker arts to develop method by which to power the Astronomicon that doesn't involving killing 1,000 psykers a day. Tell no one.
* Rite 189: Find Kharn the Betrayer. Offer him a Commissar's cap. Immolate it with psychokinesis as he reaches for it. ZoomJapfacejpg. Run. HARDMODE: No jumppacks.
* Rite 190: Find the Night Lords 10th company. Claim you have found the original recording of the assassination of Konrad Curze. Give them a hololithic recording of the DAoT youtube clip of your choice. Run. HARDMODE: You can't use a teleport homer to escape.
* Rite 191: Convince a member of the Emperor's children to give up fapping for one day.
* Rite 192: Steal all the chain weapons belonging to the Flesh Tearers and a Khornate warband numbering no less than 300 warriors. Convince each party that the other took their weapons. Make sure to steal a popcorn popper from a movie theater while you are at it.
* Rite 193: Learn the origin of the Joker. Tell no one but the Joker.
* Rite 194: Spend a day with Deadpool without gaining the desire to shut him up or kill him.
* Rite 195: Solve a rubix cube. HARDMODE:With Angron.
* Rite 196: Get Valvatorez and the scenery chewing vampire from Twilight to engage in ham to ham combat. Keep a straight face during this.
* Rite 197: Learn to deflect bullets with a sword.
* Rite 198: Knock some sense into Frank Miller.
* Rite 199: Determine the status of Disgaea demons as being closer to humans or aliens.
* Rite 200: Punch Crazy Steve.
* Rite 201: Get [[Phil Kelly]] a raise.
* Rite 202: Kill [[Matt Ward]] and make him get revived as a Prinny, and make sure he revives as Prinny every time he dies.
* Rite 203: Find the planet where the cabbits come from and take one home as a pet. Hard Mode, teach Cabbit to turn into an Super Star Destroyer (Executor minimum requirement, Eclipse is extra credit) rather than the space-ship they normally turn into.
* Rite 204: Clear up confusion with somebody that went "WTF" at the previous Rite.
* Rite 205: Punch the Irate Gamer. Hard Mode, get him arrested for plagiarism and being a jerk.
* Rite 206: Kick the idiot that directed Final Fantasy 10's English voice cast.
* Rite 207: Falcon Punch the jerk that cancelled Spectacular Spiderman.
* Rite 208: Kill a shark to prevent a franchise from jumping it.
* Rite 209: Learn the Doctor's real name. Asking River or the Master doesn't count.
* Rite 210: Make a good version of Ultima VIII.
* Rite 211: Make a good version of Ultima IX.
* Rite 212: Beat Gig in a hotpod eating contest. Hard Mode, avoid getting your ass kicked when he realizes you ate hotpods he could have eaten.
* Rite 213: Teach an incubator to fear, than beat the shit out of it. Hard Mode, beat the shit out of Kyubuy.
* Rite 214: Kiss Bayonetta.
* Rite 215: Read [[Snowflame| New Guardians #2]] without going "WTF."
* Rite 216: Convince a terrorist of his stupidity.
* Rite 217: Find an Infinity+1Sword, tell no one where you found it.
* Rite 218: Determine the weight of Garland's sword.
* Rite 219: Steal Garland's sword. The fact that it probably weighs more than suit of terminator armor is no excuse.
* Rite 220: Get Link and Zelda to kiss. Hard Mode, make it occur on screen, but don't get spotted and leave no trace of your involvement.
* Rite 221: Kiss Morrigan Aensland. Hard Mode, make it against her will, which would likely mean making her angry first.
* Rite 222: Romance a Jedi Master.
* Rite 223: Get 1001 American's to realize that the AMA is run by evil men.
* Rite 224: Punch an Avatar while wearing no armor.
* Rite 225: Save a fallen Adeptus Astartes to be put in a Dreadnaught. Don't be seen while doing this. HARD MODE: You're not allowed to be the one who cripples the Adeptus Astartes.
* Rite 226: Defeat a Necron playing as the Necrons in ''Dawn of War''. Using IG.
* Rite 227: Convince an [[Ultramarines|Ultramarine]] to not use the Codex Astartes in a combat situation. Doing this with [[Captain Titus]] is cheating. HARDMODE: Convince the Chapter Master to not use the Codex.
* Rite 228: Beat Sonic The Hedgehog in a foot race.
* Rite 229: Shoot bullets out of the air with bullets. Hard Mode, do this with 18th century musket.
* Rite 230: Read through the CAD Archives.
* Rite 231: DO COCAINE!!!
* Rite 232: Beat Ghosts and Goblins. Suffer no more than three aneurysms.
* Rite 233: Stop saying desu.
* Rite 234: STFU
* Rite 235: GTFO
* Rite 236: Be the ball.
* Rite 237: Make Orange Soda using only oranges.
* Rite 238: Kill the pig! Drink his blood!
* Rite 239: Touch your tongue to your forehead. HARDMODE: No cutting off and reattaching your tongue.
* Rite 240: [[Rebecca Black|Decide which seat to take]]. (Only applies on fridays)
* Rite 241: Lay siege the [[Imperial Fists]] and successfully force them out. HARDMODE: Do it to their own Fortress-Monastery.
* Rite 242: Power bomb an Ork Warboss.
* Rite 243: Strangle the Swarmlord.
* Rite 244: Read a [[Loli]] D comic and have no [[Heresy|heretical]] thoughts about it.
* Rite 245: Read a Yuri manga and have no [[Heresy|heretical]] thoughts about it.
* Rite 246: Visit the DeathWorld Felayra. Return with a harem of the the planet's giant maneating [[Monstergirls]].
* Rite 247: Survive psychically arm-wrestling with a greater daemon of Tzeentch.
* Rite 248: Count the licks to the center of a Tootsie Pop. In the middle of a battle.
* Rite 249: Conquer an entire daemon world. And do it [[Fabius Bile|FABULOUSLY]].
* Rite 250: Replace the entire cocaine stock of an Emperor's Children warband with baby powder. HARDMODE: Replace their stock of babies with baby powder as well.
* Rite 251: Out-sex Cain.
* Rite 252: Read "A Crushed Empire"(fanfic). Do not give in to [[Rage|NERDRAGE!]]
* Rite 253: Defeat Cain under the Old [[World of Darkness]] rules.
* Rite 254: Romance a super saiyan. Yes, make sure it's a woman.
* Rite 255: FIRE YOUR LAZER!
* Rite 256: Fellate a plaguebearer.
* Rite 257: Make the Emperor blink.
* Rite 258: Find something that will piss off a Black Templar (easy). Present Black Templar with said annoyance (easy). Keep the fucktard from rushing it with a powersword ([[rage]]).
* Rite 259: Make a 40K version of Blood Bowl.
* Rite 260: Convince the Hulk you are stronger than he is, and live.
* Rite 261: Create working power armor by yourself. HARD MODE: '''IN A CAVE!''' '''''WITH A BOX OF SCRAPS!!!'''''
* Rite 262: Beat any R-Type game. HARD MODE: Do so ''without'' losing a life. INSANE MODE: On the hardest difficulty.
* Rite 263: Successfully sneak into an R-rated movie (only applicable if under 16 [[earth|Terran]] years of age).
* Rite 264: Discover the sound of one hand clapping.
* Rite 265: Find an intact [[STC]]. Keep the discovery a secret from the Adeptus Mechanicus.
* Rite 266: Remove your own underwear without removing your pants.
* Rite 267: Remove another initiate's underwear in the same fashion. HARD MODE: Do not let the initiate notice what happened.
* Rite 268: Demonstrate the art of Tactical Genius to [[Vance Motherfucking Stubbs]].
* Rite 269: Challenge [[Ciaphas Cain]], HERO OF THE IMPERIUM! to a duel.
* Rite 270: Steal one of Vegeta's dragonballs. Survive the ensuing [[Angry Marine]]-level [[RAGE|rage]].
* Rite 271: Find and kill a [[Doctor Who| Weeping Angel]]. Please note that if you are sent back in time by said Angel, then you are disqualified.
* Rite 272: Beat all 20 waves of [[Dawn of War 2|Last Stand]] by yourself.
* Rite 273: Show me your war face! HARD MODE: Show me your REAL WAR FACE!!! INSANE MODE: Suck a golf ball through a garden hose!
* Rite 274: Find out what makes Cinnamon Toast Crunch so popular.
* Rite 275: Convince a traitor to come back to the Imperium. HARD MODE: Convince a Chaos Marine.
* Rite 276: Kill said traitor for heresy.
* Rite 277: Make a Mac-fag buy a PC.
* Rite 278: Make a PC-fag buy a Mac.
* Rite 279: Bring a knife to a gunfight.
* Rite 280: Drink a gallon of mercury.
* Rite 281: Replace your blood with antifreeze.
* Rite 282: Pick up some elbow grease and headlight fluid from the store.
* Rite 283: Discover the truth of the (nonexistent) [[Alpha Legion]].
* Rite 284: Defeat the Alpha level psyker Micheal Ironside in a battle of wills.
* Rite 285: Call Draigo a pussy
* Rite 286: Assassinate Koro-Sensei.
* Rite 287: Haikyuu!!
* Rite 288: Win a breakdance competition against a Harlequin.
* Rite 289: Find a [[Space Marine|Spehss Muhreen]] with working genitals.
* Rite 290: Cut them off.
* Rite 291: Bring a tank to a gunfight.
* Rite 292: Steal a World item. HARD MODE: Steal the Staff of Ainz Ooal Gown.
* Rite 293: Do anything. anything at all, without Pissing off [[Assholetep]].
* Rite 294: One-shot a Great Unclean One. [[Exterminatus]] and Force weapons don't count.
* Rite 295: Shoot yourself in the face.HARD MODE: with a Battle cannon.
* Rite 296: Die to death.
* Rite 297: Cry yourself awake.
* Rite 298: Disimpact the Emperor's bowels.
* Rite 299: Learn The Master's real name, no asking The Doctor.
* Rite 300: Kill the trigger happy Inquistor you convinced to exterminatus a planet with no Hersey.
* Rite 301: Challenge an Ogryn to fair arm wrestling match, no cheating.
* Rite 302: Defeat an Ogryn in a fair arm wrestling match.
* Rite 303: Make the Ultimate Warrior pay for what he did to Santa Claus.
* Rite 304: Kill an Ork Warboss and send his orks against Chaos
* Rite 305: Kill Black Mage, then put his soul back in his body.
* Rite 306: Catch bullets with your hands.
* Rite 307: Visibly flex your muscles while inside your armor.
* Rite 308: Run Joe Quesada over with a baneblade
* Rite 309: Eat more than one Devil Fruit, and live.
* Rite 310: Rickroll a fellow commissar.
* Rite 311: Get a Super Saiyan and Kyrptonian to mate.
* Rite 312: Raise child of said union to be the ultimate soldier of the Imperium.
* Rite 313: Write an essay that convinces /tg/ to stop bitching about Eldar.
* Rite 314: Punch Q, he deserves it.
* Rite 315: Grow a Power Beard.
* Rite 316: You must beat Macgyver in a race through all these Trials.
* Rite 317: CRUSH, KILL, DESTROY!
* Rite 318: Fold a piece paper more than 7 times.
* Rite 319: Punch out fire.
* Rite 320: Tear Rick Berman's heart out and shove it down his throat without killing him.
* Rite 321: Find a problem that can't be solved with violence.
* Rite 322: Find a way to solve the problem mentioned above using violence.
* Rite 323: Successfully troll Tzeentch.
* Rite 324: Beat a Tzeentchian Greater Daemon in a game of chess. Then destroy it with a logical paradox.
* Rite 325: Purge one furry site from the Emperor's internets.
* Rite 326: Piledrive a Great Unclean One
* Rite 327: Use a heavy bolt as club and kill an Ork WAAAGGGHHHH with it.
* Rite 328: Break the Fourth Wall
* Rite 329: Teach a gorilla to be a truck driver
* Rite 330: Mutilate Chris-Chan
* Rite 331: Complete all 1000 of Excalibur's tasks that he requires to wield him, then bury him in a cave.
* Rite 332: Create a bigger explosion
* Rite 333: Win a 1v1 ''Starcraft'' match against a Zerg rusher.
* Rite 334: Arrest the Irate Game for plagiarism, libel, and slander.
* Rite 335: Find another [[God-Emperor of Mankind|undying psychic space vegetable]].
* Rite 336: Survive being sat on by Ulkair. HARD MODE: Without your terminator armour.
* Rite 337: Resist asking the grandmaster why you have to do so many fucktarded trials. Again.
* Rite 338: Resist being impaled, by said Grandmaster's force weapon.
* Rite 339: Make a professional five course meal, using only [[Tyranids]]
* Rite 340: Beat all 4 ''Iron Chef'' contestants in the kitchen stadium. At the same time.
* Rite 341: Replace the Twin-linked bolters on your bike with twin linked Meltaguns, Flamers, or Plasma Guns. HARD MODE: replace them with twin-linked
Volcano Cannons.
* Rite 342: Kill 666 Chaos spawOHSWEETMOTHEROFFULARBLBLBLBLWARUEAGIRHARAUIRGLLLLLAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHH-
* Rite 343: Call [[Angron]] a [[Slaanesh|slaaneshi]] [[Fulgrim|whore]].
* Rite 344: Call [[Fulgrim]] a [[Khorne|Khornate]] [[Angron|meat]][[Meatbread|head]].
* Rite 345: Bring an Emperor-Class titan to a gunfight.
* Rite 346: Scar a [[Sisters of Battle|Bolter Bitch]] for life, using only a funny look in her general direction. HARD MODE: kill her by looking at her funny, with and an [[Rape|AP1]] funny look!
* Rite 347: Read the entire [[Twilight|''Twilight'']] series without becoming an hero.
* Rite 350: Relax.
* Rite 351: Talk about Fight Club
* Rite 352: Rip Kneelix's fucking head off and then shove it down his throat, without killing him!
* Rite 353: Survive a fatality
* Rite 354: Cast Super-Tier Magic.
* Rite 355: Introduce one cup to two [[Shlicktau|Shlicktaus]].
* Rite 356: Introduce a Faptau to this occurence
* Rite 357: Convince Tumblr to let go of Bucky Barnes.
* Rite 358: Write the great American romance novel. HARDMODE: Figure out how to make it readable by a human being.
* Rite 359: Successfully keep /pol/ in /pol/. Permanently.
* Rite 360: Make everything in a one mile radius EXBAWKS HUEG.
* Rite 361: Prove exactly who killed JFK using only the evidence available in the 41st Millennium. HARDMODE: Implicate George W. Bush, somehow.
* Rite 362: Uncancel Firefly, but ensure that it doesn't run for too long and end up a sad ruin of a show like so many others.
* Rite 363: Smoke a joint rolled with a page from the Necromicon. Lose no SAN.
* Rite 364: Purge the universe of the vile heretic known as Byron Hall.
* Rite 365: Create a realistic, yet enjoyable, End Times scenario for 40k.
* Rite 366: Reticulate Splines
* Rite 367: Assemble a bolter. Without your hands.
* Rite 368: Wax On
* Rite 369: Wax Off
* Rite 370: Perma-kill a tarrasque.
* Rite 371: Get drunk on only flat Dr Pepper. HARDMODE: Diet Dr Pepper.
* Rite 372: Drink a gallon of milk.
* Rite 373: Eat a spoonful of cinnamon.
* Rite 374: Do the Dew.
* Rite 375: Kick Chuck Norris' aging bigot ass into last week and next week.
* Rite 376: Meet a rabid SPESS MAHREEN fanboy and answer all of his questions without killing him.
* Rite 377: Complete the Adventures of Bayou Billy using the zapper.
* Rite 378: Fight against Jackie Chan in a chair, ladder and rope factory, while having Jackie Chan to hold a baby and he wants 'No trabble'. And win. With you dressed only in an underwear. And both hands tied behind your back. HARDMODE: said underwear must be lingerie. And Jackie Chan is accompanied by Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris.
* Rite 379: Successfully manage to defeat Hulk and Hulk's weight, squared, in bees. Simultaneously. HARDMODE: You must fight Hulk and his weight in bees an hour after they fight each other. Since Hulk grows bigger the more he's enraged, and the bees always regenerate to weigh the same as Hulk's weight squared, this is an easy enough HARDMODE for you.
* Rite 380: Kick Chuck Norris's ass and show him for the fraud he is.
* Rite 381: Defend Hinzerhaus. HARDMODE: Don't get spooked to shit while doing so.
* Rite 382: Convince a commissar that his methods are folly.
* Rite 383: Outsnipe Trooper Larkin.
* Rite 384: Introduce Lijah Cuu to all 4 Chaos Gods at once. HARDMODE: Stop them from breaking down in tears.
* Rite 385: Fight a wirewolf. With bare hands.
* Rite 386: Learn how to sneak and earn the approval of either Mkoll or MkVenner.
* Rite 387: Kill a Custodes, put on his armor, get in the throne room, materialise a pair of balls for the Emperor, and fondle them.
* Rite 388: Find Rogal Dorn.
* Rite 389: Talk to Rogal Dorn and resist the urge to groan.
* Rite 390: Win a staring contest against the Emperor.
Rite 391: Spar against Sly Marbo.
* Rite 392: Convince a daemon to praise the Emperor.
* Rite 393: Convince a Chaos God that the Emperor isn't all that bad.
* Rite 394: Make Malal relevant.
* Rite 395: Bring back Horus and obliterate him again.
* Rite 396: Get away with it, despite those meddling kids.
* Rite 397: Sex up a [[Daemonette]] without contracting any [[AIDS|Chaos taint]]. Then you must have her hand in marriage after the proper Rituals of Courtship. This step is to be done BEFORE said sexing up.
* Rite 398: Beat Skyrim.
* Rite 399: Endure being locked in a cell with 1 of every major xeno species - [[Ork]], [[Eldar]], [[Tau]], etc. You must not allow any xenos to be killed.
* Rite 400: [[Love Can Bloom|Make love bloom]] on the battlefield.
* Rite 401: Move and Shoot. With a heavy weapon.
* Rite 402: RAW! RAW! FIGHT THE POWAH!
* Rite 403: Forbidden: You don't have permission to access this rite
* Rite [[Yotsuba|404]]: ERROR. RITE NOT FOUND
* Rite 409: Date with a Daemonette and resist her brea- er, charms.
* Rite 410: Be voiced by James Earl Jones.
* Rite 411: Do a particularly Silly Walk to attract the attention of the Ministry of Silly Walks.
* Rite 412: Steal a trainee Sister of Battle's panties. '''HARDMODE:''' Whilst she is wearing them.
* Rite 413: Reunite with your loving wife and daughter.
* Rite 414: Heal Jake Lloyd's mental scares.
* Rite 415: Organize a Schola-Progenium scavenger hunt.
* Rite 416: Master spiral power. Tell no one how.
* Rite 417: Hang M. Night Shyamalan using paper made from reviews of his movies.
* Rite 418: Find a Chuck Norris fanboy and break their spine, then explain to them why Chuck Norris sucks and jokes related to him aren't funny.
* Rite 419: Smoke your weight in Slaaneshi psycho herbs. Then smoke your weight in Slaaneshi cultists.
* Rite 420: Legalize marijuana.
* Rite 421: Eat a bell pepper even more dramatically than Chairman Kaga does.
* Rite 422: Steal and destroy [[Chris-chan]]'s Sonichu medallion.
* Rite 423: Find out which Brother Captain Ravenor is the sentient testicle of.
* Rite 424: Go to a furry board. Resist the urge to troll. (Only impossible Rite in this article)
* Rite 425: Replace a Noise Marine's Sonic Blaster with a replica that only plays polka.
* Rite 426: Defend Burgertown
* Rite 427: Out-dick [[Eldrad]](Not that hard really).
* Rite 428: Kill a Chaos Terminator using only a [[Lasgun|Flashlight]]. '''HARDMODE:''' Use the gun as a melee weapon rather than as a gun.
* Rite 429: Add an item to the [[Emperor's To-Do List]] without him realizing it.
* Rite 430: Beat Wesley Crusher over the head with a Land Raider.
* Rite 431: Kill yourself HARDMODE '''IN A CAVE!''' '''''BY HANGING YOURSELF WITH YOUR OWN SMALL INTESTINE!!!'''''
* Rite 432: Un-Kill yourself HARDMODE No Dreadnoughts UBERHARDMODE no contemeptors, deredeos, or even helbrutes.
* Rite 433: Re-kill yourself HARDMODE: '''IN ANOTHER CAVE!''' '''''BY SUFFOCATION, WHILE PAINTING THE MONA LISA ON THE WALL WITH THE BLOOD FROM THE LAST DEATH!!!'''''
* Rite 434: Get Mortarion on a date with a Slaaneshi daemon prince(ss), and reveal, he/she/it is a psyker, and SURVIIVE!! HARDMODE get he/she/it to reveal his/her/its dick to him.
* Rite 435: Complete this fucking crossword puzzle I got in the paper today.
* Rite 436: Build a [[Slaanesh|MechaPenis]] onto your power armour.
* Rite 437: Watch the Koro-Sensei Death Scene and '''ONLY''' cry for 5 minutes, or less.
* Rite 444: Eat 100 White Cathedral burgers with everything without getting up to take a shit.
* Rite 445: Suit up completely, including placing the helmet firmly onto your head and turn off your armor's ventilation except for air recycling systems. Do not remove your helmet under any circumstances until told to do so.
* Rite 446: Watch ''Zoolander'', and drink a shot of tequila whenever something stupid happens. Survive the ensuing alcohol poisoning.
* Rite 447: Laugh at Yuuki's death in SAO2, the Cry yourself to sleep for watching SAO and SAO2.

* Rite 453: Steal a [[Jeanstealer]]'s pants
* Rite 454: Delete the entire "The 666 Rituals of Detestation" after looking through it, and rewrite all 666 Rites from memory.
* Rite 455: Resist asking the Grandmaster why you have to do so many fucktarded trials. Again.

* Rite 487: Be balanced in ''Dawn of War'' - Soulstorm, even if a Chaplain is attached to your squad.

* Rite 500: Internal Rite error.
* Rite 501: Read and understand the entire ''Blame!'' comic in one sitting. Without coffee, you pansy.
* Rite 502: Take a Dreadknight. Take off the power generator. Move it with your raw manliness ONLY. HARDMODE: Do not ask an ork or Kamina how.
* Rite 503: Same as 502, but replacing the Dreadknight with a Warhound Titan. HARDMODE: Replace it with an Imperator Titan.
* Rite 504: Combine a Imperator titan with an Emperor-class battleship an turn them the biggest Titan EVAR. With your raw manliness. HARDMODE: The orks, Kamina and even Leeron are out of the question.
* Rite 505: Convince a Tau Firewarrior to become a capitalist after he gets out of the military.
* Rite 506: Capture all four Chaos Gods. HARDMODE: With a sharp stick.
* Rite 507: Go to Holy Terra and sacrifice the four Gods to revive the Emperor.
* Rite 508: Kill the Emperor.
* Rite 509: Think about what you've just done.
* Rite 510: Find Abaddon.
* Rite 511: Teach him how to win wars. HARDMODE: Make sure he still doesn't fail.
* Rite 512: Give him AIDS.
* Rite 513: Punch him into the head with a Daemonhammer.
* Rite 514: Banish him into the warp.
* Rite 515: Eat half a fudgesicle in one bite and survive.
* Rite 516: Kick High Ecclesiarch Brennan up the arse.
* Rite 517: Close the pool.
* Rite 518: Reopen the pool and bless the water.
* Rite 519: Invite Chaos daemons for a friendly swim.
* Rite 520: Use the Super Galaxy Dai-Gurren to destroy a daemon world.
* Rite 521: Join the [[The Wonderful Misadventures of: Inquisitor Fob and the Classy Marines|Classy Marines]] and act ungentlemanly.
* Rite 522: Prove your mental acuity by stopping an Orkish WAAAAGH using conversation and no less than six graphs.
* Rite 523: Prove your mental acuity by re-inciting said WAAAGH against Chaos.
* Rite 524: Beat Chakan the Forever Man in one sitting.
* Rite 525: Rebis Dungeon. Find him and kill him. If another aspirant has already done the good deed, defile the corpse.
* Rite 526: Teach an Ork proper English.
* Rite 527: Kill him 'cause he is a filthy xenos.
* Rite 528: Decipher Lil' Orphan Anne's secret message with your decoder pin.
* Rite 529: Be sure to drink your Ovaltine.
* Rite 530: Watch the following films on drugs and not freak the fuck out: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Lucy, Full Metal Jacket and Doctor Strange.
* Rite 531: Participate in a /k/ innawoods summer challenge, and complete all objectives in European Extreme Mode.
* Rite 532: Actually play a game of Rifts.
* Rite 533: Find and reattach [[Abaddon|Abaddon's]] lost arms.
* Rite 534: Steal Abaddon's arms.
* Rite 535: Prove you have a will to live by escaping the planet before [[Exterminatus]]. HARD MODE: You only have 10 seconds.
* Rite 536: Eat your Khorne Flakes every morning. Do not succumb to the whispers of Chaos.
* Rite 537: Convince a [[SJW|Feminist]] that they aren't oppressed. HARD MODE: Without threatening [[Exterminatus|Exterminatus]] on their entire way of life while doing so.

* Rite 546: Fuck a hive queen.
* Rite 547: Do the Kessel Run in 11 Parsecs.
* Rite 548: Slam a revolving Administratum building door.
* Rite 549: Become a blank

* Rite 566: Try to enrage Bob Ross to the point of violence and profanity.

* Rite 568: Climb a wall of dicks. Without ropes or hooks.
* Rite 569: Catch the double nigger before he jumps over the candle-sniffing fuckfence.
* Rite 570: Out-swear an Angry Marine.
* Rite 571: Survive 30 Angry-Marine Bombs. In the middle of an [[Exterminatus]] HARD MODE: With no Power Armor on, while arm wrestling Doombreed. And win.
* Rite 572: Take a Power Chair to the face.
* Rite 573: Travel by map.
* Rite 574: Convince a Chuck Norris fan the folly of their ways.

* Rite 589: Infect Madagascar. '''HARDMODE:''' Do it after they CLOSE. FUCKING. EVERYTHING.
* Rite 590: Eat spinach, then DO THE IMPOSSIBLE... in a way that is harmful to Chaos.
* Rite 591: Cause at least every second Grey Knight member with whom you have become acquainted to lose the game.
* Rite 592: Make love not war. Then make some war.
* Rite 593: Go to Disney World.
* Rite 594: Destroy Disney World.
* Rite 595: Rescue Matt Ward's soul from the chaotic Warp vortex that the last aspirant cast him into. Find a different Warp vortex and throw him into it.
* Rite 596: Get an anime fan to do a drinking game for every flashback in Naruto and another for every flashback in One Piece and see who passes out first.
* Rite 597: CRUSH. KILL. DESTROY.
* Rite 598: Piledrive a [[Hive Tyrant]].
* Rite 599: Convince a Chaos Cultist to kill himself because of how annoying his voice is.
* Rite 600: Find the Baneblade you used to run over Quesado and clean every trace of his vile existence from it
* Rite 601: Cure the cancer that is killing [[/b/]]. HAHA! YOU '''ARE''' TEH CANCER THAT IS KILLING /b/!!!
* Rite 602: Road trip!
* Rite 603: '''DO IT FAGGOT'''!
* Rite 604: Learn what they were thinking.
* Rite 605: Watch every season of ''Whose Line is it Anyway?'' without laughing once.
* Rite 606: Here's a storm shield. BLOCK THAT EXTERMINATUS!
* Rite 607: Return Patrick Bateman's video tapes for him.
* Rite 608: Get a more impressive personalized business card than Paul Allen.
* Rite 609: Introduce your brother Grey Knights to the works of Huey Lewis and the News. HARDMODE: Don't let them roll you up into a carpet and throw you into the atmosphere of Jupiter afterward.
* Rite 610: Mindfuck a psyker. Manually.
* Rite 611: Bring sexy back.
* Rite 612: Be aware of the current location and activities of [[C.S.Goto|C. S. Goto]], and take no action.
* Rite 613: Reread all the works of C. S. Goto and resist the urge to equip yourself with a multilaser.
* Rite 614: Become a major share holder in [[Games Workshop]].
* Rite 615: Use your influence as a share holder to steer the company off its current path of evil.
* Rite 616: Convince a Sister of Battle to play a game of battleshits with you.
* Rite 617: An American band is coming to your town. Help it party down.
* Rite 618: Watch any movie with Christopher Walken in it and not even THINK that any scene involving him is awesome.
* Rite 619: Win a ladder match for the custody of your son against Eddie Guerrero.
* Rite 620: Add more cowbell.
* Rite 621: Hear the name "[[Chaos Lord]] Metallica von Freebird" without even cracking a grin. I DID IT!
* Rite 622: Yes.
* Rite 623: No.
* Rite 624: Watch every episode of ''Seinfeld'' and enjoy it. Without drugs.
* Rite 625: Count to infinity.
* Rite 626: Divide what you've counted by zero.
* Rite 627: Present results to Chaos.
* Rite 628: Find the [[FAIL| abomination]] known as [[FAIL| Fred]] and cut his head off with Thunder Hammer.
* Rite 629: Complete [[Anime| Excalibur]]'s 1000 provisions.
* Rite 630: Interrupt [[Commissar Fuklaw]]'s speech and survive. '''HARDMODE:'''[[Commissar Fuklaw|Fuklaw]] must be equipped with a working Volcano cannon and must be in command of an Imperator class titan when he tries to execute you.
* Rite 631: Bury [[Excalibur]] in concrete so somebody can did him out later.
* Rite 632: Learn to cut through metal with blunt objects.
* Rite 633: Find a codex written by Mathew Ward and write a good version of it.
* Rite 634: Kill a Fire Warrior by catch a shot from Pulse Rifle out of the arrow and kill throwing it back at him.
* Rite 635: Slay an overused [[Meme]].
* Rite 636: Add an item to the [[Emperor's To-Do List]] without him realizing it.
* Rite 637: Help the Emperor complete the item you added to his To-Do List.
* Rite 638: Write your own name in Death Note and survive.
* Rite 639: Get a harem of women far more powerful than you could ever hope to become lusting after you and turn them lose on the enemies of man, and make sure they aren't the type that can fall to Chaos.
* Rite 640: Defeat a [[Doctor Who| Dalek]] in ham to ham combat.
* Rite 641: Steal the Dalek's time machine and a random rite you've completed from happening and then complete it again.
* Rite 642: Beat Khârn at checkers (the game must be played through to the end, and event that forces the game to end prior to this is a loss for you).
* Rite 643: Perform a rendition of "I will always love you" by Whitney Houston before a Canoness of the Adeptus Sororitas.
* Rite 643: Teabag the corpse of Rouboutte Guilliman.
* Rite 644: Single handedly defend the polar fortress of Macragge from a tyranid invasion.
* Rite 645: Crash a stormraven into an Imperator Titan whilst giving the Princeps the middle finger and playing 'Flight of the Valkyires'.
* Rite 646: Buy a Pizza.
* Rite 647: Eat the Pizza.
* Rite 648: Don't lose count of what rite you're on.
* Rite 649: Achieve true stealth.
* Rite 650: Notice that rite 649 is missing.
* Rite 651: Punch Lorgar in the face, just like the Emperor would. But faster.
* Rite 652: Want candy.
* Rite 653: Nuke from orbit.
* Rite 654: Tell a small child called Luke that you are not his father.
* Rite 655: Join the Grey Knights' secret inner-inner circle- The knights who say 'Ni!'
* Rite 656: Ride Boris the Titan into battle.
* Rite 657: Walk on water.
* Rite 658: Complete Halo: Reach on ''' MYTHIC'''...''alone''...without dying once.
* Rite 659: Tank shock gretchin with a Battlebarge.
* Rite 660: Survive HUGS TIEM with the [[Unyuufex]]. Then kill that abomination.
* Rite 661: Make a fortress on ''[[Dwarf Fortress]]'' that survives this many years, EXTRA CREDIT: start with no skills on a goblin tower OR start with 100+ [[cat|cats]] and never put a cat in a cage or intentionally kill a cat.
* Rite 662: Survive the Vortex of Total Perspective and remain sane.
* Rite 663: Punch out an Angry Marine.
* Rite 664: Name every rite completed beforehand, the method for doing so, and every minute detail involved.
* Rite 665: Rinse.
* Rite 666: Repeat.

Make a checklist of all of the aforementioned items. If you score 100 or higher, CONGRATULATIONS! We don't give a shit!

(extra points for fixing the fuck load of gaps in the list)

[http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/2754620 Archived Thread]

[[category:Imperial]][[category:Warhammer 40,000]]

Knight Commander Pask

2017-04-04T17:59:40Z

2601:246:8200:D4:85C1:2368:3B:BD0B: "who" goes to "he/she", "whom" goes to "him/her"

[[File:Pask.jpg|350px|thumb|right|He'll be too old for this shit when he says so, and not a moment before.]]

Knight Commander Pask is considered one of the Imperial Guard's most renowned tank aces (not to be confused with Tank Commander Pask, who is considered one of the Imperium's most renowned knight aces). A [[hero of the Imperium]] of Man and a constant presence within the armoured regiments of the Cadian Shock Troops, Pask is one of the most skilled tank commanders ever to grace a Leman Russ Tank. He has commanded these behemoths through hundreds of campaigns, with his reputation continuing to grow with each victory. Over the decades Pask has commanded all variants of the Leman Russ and has mastered them all. He knows the capabilities and limits of each and every weapons system these mighty war machines can mount. Only a fool strays into his gun-sights, and that goes for [[awesome|Titans]] too, as Pask's got confirmed kills on at least four of them. Pask has also had his tank blown to bits out from under him dozens of times, but has somehow managed to survive each and every time to find a new Leman Russ and rechristen it the ''Hand of Steel'', same as every previous tank he's commanded.

== On the tabletop ==

Rules wise Pask acts like any other knight commander in the IG codex (Well, he's a few more points but its worth it for the sheer amount of [[Rape]] he can bring to the table). He counts as a HQ choice and thus can have a warlord trait (Pask automatically has Old grudges giving him and his squad preferred enemy against a codex of your choice, which is REALLY good due to reasons you will see below). Like other tank commanders Pask CANNOT go on his own, meaning that he has to be in a squadron with at least one other Leman Russ. Although this isn't a wholly bad thing, the fact that Pask has a buddy means that with some clever positioning you can force your opponent to damage the tank commander before Pask even takes a wound, which is extremely helpful as keeping pask alive is a priority due to how much he can bring to the table (Pask can also tell his buddy to GTFO if he becomes immobilized and fucks off to do whatever he damn pleases because he's motherfucking Pask).

In addition to being a HQ choice and having one of the better (if not the best) warlord trait in the IG codex, pask also adds extra effects to the guns of whichever Leman Russ variant he is in (because he says so), the effects are as follows:

'''Leman Russ battle tank''': When piloting a Battle Tank Pask can re-roll to hit rolls, turning the sometimes unreliable and downright infuriating battle cannon into a more precise source of "Fuck you" for your opponent.

'''Leman Russ Demolisher''': Same as the Battle Tank but the shorter range on the demolisher cannon makes the re-roll to hit even more valuable due to the fact that Pask is more likely to be up close to the enemy and thus has a higher chance of hitting himself. The re-roll to hit negates this to a degree (Meaning more S10 [[Rape]] for your opponent and less [[Fail]] for you).

'''Leman Russ Vanquisher''': Once again same as the above, not much else to be said in all honesty.

'''Leman Russ Eradicator''': See above.

'''Leman Russ Executioner''': Due to some tech-fuckery Pask is able to alter the profile of the tank's main gun from it's normal one to the following: 36"range S7 AP2 Heavy 1, Large blast, Blind, Gets hot. This is done presumably to increase the pale-ness of any SM player when their wonderfully painted Terminator squad is targeted by this plasma covered hulk of "Fuck you".

'''Leman Russ Exterminator''': Pask gives the exterminator autocannon the rending special rule which means that on a 6 he ignores the armour saves of whatever he's shooting at, or against vehicles he can add an additional D3 to his armour penetration roll (allowing you to effectively pop some tanks with this weapon). While this is good and all the Exterminator's lack of [[Dakka]] means that the rending Pask gives it isn't used to it's full potential and thus there are better options. (Hint: It's the next tank)

'''Leman Russ Punisher''': Jesus Christ where do we even start with this thing? First of all the Punisher Gatling cannon is a 24" range cannon with S5 AP-, meaning that sure it has a lot of [[Dakka]] and can wound [[MEQ]] 's effectively but literally EVERYTHING gets an armour save against it (Yes even that shitty 6+ T-shirt saves Ork Boyz and Chaos cultists get). Also you're not going to be popping any vehicles with even half decent armour with this thing, so you would think it wouldn't be all to useful right? Nope. Pask, once again due to some Superb Tech-fuckery (Which is most definitely some form of [[Heresy]] ) he gives the Punisher Gatling cannon the rending special rule. This turns the Punisher from "Meh" to "FEAR ME FOR I AM RAPE INCARNATE" in approximately 30 seconds. Just to put this in perspective Pask has a 4/6 chance is hitting when rolling a D6 so in 20 shots he hits approx. 13/14 normally. A few of those have to be 1's so we'll add about another 4 D6's in there, which results in about 3 more hits (rounded up). So a total of 17 hits generally. Now against MEQ's he needs a 3 to wound and a 6 to rend. SO out of his 17 approx. 11 Will wound and out of them on average 2-3 will rend. Once again he has preferred enemy ro re-roll those 1's (we'll say there's around 2) which results in generally one more wound which has a 1/6 chance of rending. Assuming it's a rend that leaves you with 12 wounds four of which are rending. Suffice to say any infantry that Pask decides he doesn't like the look of aren't going to last very long. But there's more! Pask and his rape train for the emperor don't discriminate in what they want dead, oh no tanks get the full 20 shots of "Fuck you" too. Mathematically he can kill around a land raider a turn with his main gun alone (assuming the dice are kind). Strap a lascannon onto him and his buddy, sit back, and watch as your opponent does their best Khorne Berserker impression due to the sheer [[Rage]] inducing shame of having half your army Curbstomped by a single IG tank unit.

TL:DR- Don't Fuck with Pask, he's almost as manly as [[Vance Motherfucking Stubbs]] and carries enough [[Rape]] to ruin your whole day and then some.

{{IG-Characters}}

[[Category: Imperial Guard]]

Stormraven

2017-03-27T07:50:34Z

2601:246:8200:D4:85C1:2368:3B:BD0B:

[[File:Stormraven_gunship_iron.jpg|Just like that, but even LESS aerodynamic|250px|thumb|right]]The '''Stormraven Gunship''' (also known as The Brick, The Hindenburg Class Gunship, Dorn's Nightmare, The Pig ("I'll stop mutilating corpses when Pigs fly!"), The Anvil, The I Can't believe It's Not Aerodynamic and The Dude This Shit Will Not Fly) is a vehicle used by [[Space Marine]]s in the [[wargame]] [[Warhammer 40,000]].

Space Marines are, at their core, a surgical strike force, and so they have developed many ways of delivering Marines into precise, heavily-guarded locations. The [[Thunderhawk]] can carry a relatively large number of Space Marines from orbit, but it is an extremely large, inviting target. Sometimes, a smaller aerial insertion is what is required, and the Stormraven fills that role. It is built for maximum air resistance so that the air can never defeat the Space Marines.

Thankfully for those of us who don't like the stumpy appearance, Chapter House is selling a conversion kit that extends the fuselage into something that could actually hold 12 people.

== Tabletop ==
[[File:Stormraven-2.jpg|Hey look, an actual picture|250px|thumb|left]]
It used to be that only [[Grey Knights]] and [[Blood Angels]] armies could take the Stormraven, because apparently, the Stormraven didn't exist when [[Roboute Guilliman]] wrote the [[Codex Astartes]], and because the Grey Knights did not seem fit to allow others to use the technical plans in the millennia that they have employed the Stormraven (while the Blood Angels only got their hands on some Stormravens in M41), but when the Death From The Skies Compendium was released the [[Ultramarines]] and [[Black Templars]] gained access to the Stormraven as well. Now with Angels of Death and the Ravenhawk Assault group, the [[Raven Guard]] get it as well. [[Retcon|Why they were never mentioned as having it before, no one knows.]] [[File:Stormraven_Conversion.jpg|Thank god for conversions|250px|thumb|left]]

The model was only recently released, around the same time as the new [[Codex]]: Grey Knights; its initial entry in Codex: Blood Angels didn't even have a picture. As it was a fairly tough transport capable of taking 12 Marines, it became known as a "flying [[Land Raider]]," due to it AV 12 12 12, and was often [[Proxy | kitbashed]] as such. As far as actual preformance goes it's fairly versatile for a flyer, being capable of being given [[plasma cannon]]s, twin-linked [[multi-melta]]s, [[hurricane bolter]] sponsons, and a mish-mash of other weapons. With solid armour all around and three hull points, the Stormraven can take as much damage as it dishes out.

{{40k-Imperial-Vehicles}}
{{Marines-Forces}}

[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Imperial]][[Category:Space Marines]]

Commander Kubrik Chenkov

2017-03-27T06:54:21Z

2601:246:8200:D4:85C1:2368:3B:BD0B: /* ALTERNATIVE VIEW */ if you genuinely believe any of this, i suggest picking up a few serious books on how wars have worked through history

[[File:IG5EChenkov.jpg|thumbnail|300px|{{BLAM|'''*CHENKOV BLAM!!!*'''}}]]
Not to be confused with [[Star Trek|Chekov]].

There are commanders that are actually careful when sending their forces into combat. There are commanders that aren't that careful and throw larger groups into the meatgrinder. Then there are those who don't care so much and throw in a lot of people. And then there is Chenkov.

Of all the Imperial Guard Commanders, Commander Kubrik Chenkov of the 18th [[Valhallan Ice Warriors|Valhallan Tundra Wolves]] actually embodies everything bad about the [[Imperial Guard]] (or to be more precise, everything that the Guard embodied before 4th Edition). The guy is stubborn, short-tempered, brutal, single-minded, doesn't acknowledge defeat or surrender, and he's pretty damn merciless to both his subordinates and his enemies.

Now, the job of a Commanding Officer of the Imperial Guard, and pretty much all armies in general, is to send people to their deaths, which, this being the Guard, is logical. Most commanders utilize strategy and tactics to minimize casualties - even the most brutally efficient commanders of the Guard will minimize losses to a manageable amount as lives are the Emperor's currency. Wasting them needlessly is heresy. Some, of course, will simply throw people into the meatgrinder. Chenkov belongs to the latter group, but even these types of Commanders would actually give their men heavy support in the form of a Leman Russ Tank Platoon or spam a sufficiently large number of Chimeras, since in most cases, the infantry is just a distraction for the Guard's armored might to get into position. Not with Chenkov. Ohh no, he will literally '''drown''' the enemy in corpses (while lamenting how rare it is to face an enemy of the Imperium that needs an external air supply, since he wants to do it literally) and not much else.

Even among the Astra Militarum Generals known for their extreme methods, Chenkov is a rarely seen extreme. He simply points his men where to go, and kill and get killed. His favored tactic is to send a shitload of Conscripts close enough to the enemy lines so that they won't disengage. He'll send wave after wave of Conscripts to take an objective. His solution if there is not enough men? Send in more of them. Not enough? SEND IN MOAR! His solution to distract a fortress so a commando team can enter it? PELT THEIR FORTIFICATIONS WITH BODIES! His solution for clearing minefields for Leman Russes to go through? SEND IN THE CONSCRIPTS!!! His solution to Hive Fleet Jormungand invading? SEND IN ALL THE CONSCRIPTS!!! Seriously, even other asshats would be disturbed by this guy.

He's not a Commander that one wants to fight under. If you won't fight, he'll execute you. Not fighting hard enough? More executions. You aren't trying hard enough at anything? He'll execute you HARDER! He's even worse than the more zealous Commissars. How much? That he actually scares them. How much? He is known to include [[Commissar]]s to be executed. And people who can inspire fear in a Commissar are really something.

The only (read:ONLY) redeeming quality in this human equivalent to a [[Marines Malevolent|Marine Malevolent]] is that he's a frontline commander that fights in the first line, just to bring in his own brand of "motivation" to his men.

To rub insult into the wounds of every single Guardsman in the universe, this guy constantly survives. [[grimdark|What's even worse...HE GETS A LOT OF SHINY MEDALS FOR WHAT HE DOES!!]] However, the Imperium will only validate results, and the only reason they haven't executed Chenkov for wasting the Emperor's resources to this extreme extent is that his tactic works in all the wars he's fought in (somehow). Given that Virus Bombs are known to empower Nurgle, it seems likely that Chenkov's victories empower Khorne. Since he basically only has one trick, his string of victories is bound to end in failure as soon as he faces an [[Tyranids|enemy empowered by being fed hordes of unskilled troops]].

At least he doesn't appear in the Codex: Astra Militarum (THANK THE EMPEROR).

To waste what the Emperor provides is [[heresy]], heretic.

===ALTERNATIVE VIEW===

Remember who was the greatest strategist amongst the Primarchs (Guilliman, Horus, and The Lion aside)? That's right, [[Perturabo]]. And what Legion always suffered second highest casualties (right after the crazy berzerkers from the World Eaters)? Yep, the [[Iron Warriors]]. Why? Because wars are won through applying sheer, overwhelming power to the enemy's weakest point. And that what Chenkov does, but instead of a Space Marine Legion he has an infantry regiment, and, in fact, didn't lose a single battle, often fighting without even tanks or artillery against a superior enemy. Those who say "Chenkov isn't capable of anything more than drowning foes in bodies" didn't actually read his fluff - he is more than able to use distraction (the story of ending '''A ONE-YEAR SIEGE IN TWO DAYS''' using conscripts as a lure for the enemy while sappers blew the walls) and flanking attacks (infamous "3-man-1-rifle" march through the frozen tundra, which resulted in a great victory for the Imperium). This man would end the Siege of Vraks in a week, ''with more casualties'', but without needing titans, all while not leaving planet a polluted wasteland. And just like Perturabo, he can't stand cowardice or incompetence. Unlike the Primarch though, he leads from the front, not being protected by some [[Iron_Circle|giant-ass robots]] and being a squishy humie on top of that. All in all, Chenkov has no pity for the enemy, his soldiers, or himself - when the future of Humanity is at stake, you [[grimdark|have no choice but to sacrifice thousands to save billions]]. He is ready to die for the Emperor and Imperium and expects his soldiers to do the same.

Another textbook example of an armchair general brought to you by /tg/
[[Category: Warhammer 40,000]][[Category: Imperial]][[Category: Imperial Guard]]

{{IG-Characters}}

Konrad Curze

2017-03-17T07:18:07Z

2601:246:8200:D4:85C1:2368:3B:BD0B: /* The Great Crusade */

{{heresy}}
[[File:Konrad Curze Mugshot.jpg|400px|thumb|right|Konrad Curze, the Night Haunter, The Last Judge, The King of Terrors. Badly in need of a hairstylist- just look at that dandruff.]]
''The horror, The horror...''<br>
<small>- [[Konrad Curze|Konrad]]'s real last words after probably describing to M'Shen [[40k|what really saw in his visions]]</small>

"He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster. And if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee."<br>
<small>-Friedrich Nietzsche </small>

''"There is no such thing as paranoia. Your worst fears can come true at any moment."''<br>
<small>- Hunter S. Thompson</small>

''"When our actions do not, our fears make us traitors."''<br>
<small>— William Shakespeare</small>

''"Know how I stayed alive this long? All these years? Fear. The spectacle of fearsome acts. Somebody steals from me: I cut off his hands. He offends me: I cut out his tongue. He rises against me: I cut off his head, stick it on a pike. Raise it high up so all in the streets can see. That's what preserves the order of things. Fear."''<br>
<small>— Bill the Butcher, Gangs of New York</small>

If you were to put [[Batman]], the Punisher, Vlad the Impaler, and the Predator in a blender, '''Konrad Curze''' is the result that will reach out and rip your face off. Konrad Curze (also known as Mr. Cuddles) was the [[Primarch]] of the [[Night Lords]] Legion, sometimes known as the '''Night Haunter'''. A [[Psyker]], Curze is well-known for the fact that he was [[/b/|plagued from the moment of his awakening by visions of the most horrific future imaginable, terrifying waking dreams that would follow him from cradle to grave.]] Whilst [[/tg/]] has joked that he suffered the lamest death in history due to falling to a Callidus Assassin's blade, he remains a complete bad-ass compared to [[Roboute Guilliman|these]] [[Leman Russ|faggots]].

He's widely considered the [[Chaos]]-aligned counterpart of [[Corax]]. The two probably would've gotten along pretty well had they been in the same sector during the Great Crusade and didn't have totally different views on disemboweling innocent civilians. Actually the only time they did really met on the battlefield Konrad scared the living fuck out of Corvus the moment the later realized just how simlar the two are and how close was he to follow the same path as his brooding psychotic murderous brother.

His name is an oblique reference to ''Heart of Darkness''.

==History==
Curze wound up on the eternally-dark world of [[Nostramo]] after the Primarchs were scattered by [[Chaos]]. From the moment he landed Curze got fucked over as, unlike the usual stasis-pod-descending-from-a-beam-of-light type landing his brothers made, Konrad ''punched through the crust of the planet'' and had to crawl his ass out from the core, all while being a TODDLER. Even after somehow surviving making an asteroid level impact, Curze's life somehow got worse as, again, unlike his brothers, he wound up with no one to take care of him. Konrad was forced to raise himself on this lawless hell-hole, where violence and cruelty was rampant (although there was no crime, of course, there not being any laws to break) and usually went unpunished, the rich openly exploited the poor, and depression and the inability to escape one's social standing were also rampant, leading to the population being largely kept down not through any fancy measures, but instead by suicide. As he grew older, Curze became more and more enraged by how this panned out, and eventually decided to take matters into his own hands.

Stalking the eternally-dark streets as a sort of [[Awesome|Space Marine Batman]], Curze began hunting down heretics and those who had been responsible for turning Nostramo into the cesspit it had become. Leaders of the corrupt administration disappeared, only to be found later hung from <s>Imperial</s> administration buildings and beaten into unrecognizable messes that couldn't be identified without DNA testing, though their faces were often untouched so people would instantly recognize the victim. Notorious "criminals" (as defined by Konrad) were found out in the streets, eviscerated or impaled and left to die on the spires of manufactorum rooftops. The blood of those who had committed "crimes" flowed in the streets, with body parts stopping up storm drains.

The really scary part? ''It worked''. Within a year, Curze had killed so fucking many dicks that the "crime" rate of Nostramo reached damned-near zero. Society went through a massive upheaval and curfews were imposed to minimize the casualties from [[Awesome|Space Marine Batman]]. Mothers began to threaten their kids that if they continued to misbehave, the Night Haunter would come for them - a story that came into common use on Nostramo, describing Curze, who stalked through the city, ready to disembowel any heretic or "criminal" foolish or bold enough to cross his path with anything on hand. His favored weapons, 'Lightning Claws', weren't used until he was found by the Emperor and united with his legion, which made armor and weapons available to him.

Curze became convinced of his choices being the right and just ones when he saw that the people of this world started to have hope again - he had become the only thing on the entire planet that people truly feared (and hated). Seizing the moment, Curze appeared before the few remaining nobles that had survived his vigilantist purges - the only ones who basically weren't complete assholes - and gave them a choice: Obey his rule, or die. One or two protested that he had imposed an order based on fear, but it made no difference. Curze, the Night Haunter, was made the ruler of Nostramo.

To the surprise of most, Curze proved to be a fairly capable ruler, surprisingly just and temperate. He made strong attempts to educate himself on absolutely everything he could learn, and was noted for his skills as an adjudicator, worthy of a [[Reasonable Marines|Reasonable Marine]]. This was, of course, until word of an injustice reached Curze's ears - at which point he would hunt down the transgressor himself, wearing them down, and killing them horribly. His unpredictable pattern of benevolence and wisdom contrasted by jaw-dropping levels of violence beyond that of an [[Eversor]] ushered in a new era of efficiency and honesty across Nostramo on a planetary scale, mainly as an act of capitulation in order to keep the Night Haunter from their doors. Needless to say, this peace did not come with a contentedness like some of his brothers achieved. Had he ever learned how to delegate to minions made up of the local populace, he might have been more effective, but alas.

===The Great Crusade===
[[Image:The viii primarch by saint max-d424fmh.jpg|right|thumb|350px|[[Castlevania|I was called here by ''huuuuuumans''. Who wish to pay meeeee ''tribute''.]]]]
Soon after Curze took over and began ruling the planet, the [[Emperor]]'s Great Crusade reached Nostramo; the coming of the Emperor of Man was an event long prophesied in Nostramo's history - an event which would eventually bring about the apocalypse. The Emperor and his delegation (which consisted of [[Rogal Dorn]], [[Ferrus Manus]], [[Lorgar|Lorgar Aurelian]], [[Fulgrim]], and their respective Legiones Astartes) proceeded to the Palace on foot, his radiance blinding the adapted-to-darkness onlookers and mesmerizing those who did not look directly at him.

At the end of the road leading to his Palace, Curze stood, waiting for the delegation, when he had one of his visions. He saw the fate of each of his brothers and his own death; he saw blood spurting from his own neck and no matter what he did he couldn't stop it. He would have succeeded in clawing his own eyes out if the Emperor hadn't stopped him. He and the Emperor then had this badass exchange:

''"Konrad Curze, be at peace, for I have arrived and intend to take you home."''<br>
''"That is not my name, Father. I am Night Haunter, and I know full well what you [[Just as planned|intend for me]]."''

Awesome. Curze began training under [[Fulgrim]], who taught him the Adeptus Astartes combat doctrines and began molding him to be a suitable leader for his role as the leader of the Eighth Space Marine Legion - the Night Lords. Later it was revealed that during his training under [[Fulgrim]], Curze had had one of his visions, this one about the Horus Heresy. While he told Fulgrim this in confidence, he would later learn that one flaw Fulgrim had (beside dressing like a peacock) was that Fulgrim didn't know the meaning of the word confidential or that the notion of what was told to him was done so in sacred trust between himself and his favored brother. Well, the joke seemed to be on Curze, as no sooner had he told Fulgrim about the vision than Fulgrim had run over to [[Rogal Dorn]] and told him everything.

Though Curze and his legion excelled in many different hot-zones throughout the Great Crusade, a disturbing tendency arose in short order; the Night Lords would never use anything other than total, decisive force to achieve their goals. Or maybe "force" is the wrong word; they didn't battle so much as terrify their enemies into submission. The Night Lords quickly adapted to Curze's combat and tactical ethos, becoming one of the most brutally effective, if not ruthless, legions in the Imperium. The Night Lords decorated their armor with iconography designed to inspire terror in the enemy - a tactic that proved incredibly effective. Unsurprising, considering how terrifying Space Marines are without it. Where they struck, the Night Lords left examples - grim reminders of the price for disobeying the Imperium. In time, it became so that even the mere ''mention'' of the Night Lords' approach would cause a system to pay all outstanding tithes, cease all illegal activities, stop downloading torrents of ''Blossom'', and put to death any [[Furry|mutants or heretics]]. In hindsight, though, we here on /tg/ can't really be all that surprised by their brutality when we remember it was Fulgrim who tutored the VIII Legion's primarch. How else would the Night Haunter interpret the Phoenician's excessive battlefield perfectionism than a need for excessive violence?

Problems arose, however, as the Great Crusade dragged on - reinforcements to replace the Night Lords that fell in battle were, as was the case of the other Legions, selected from the population of Curze's homeworld, Nostramo. Unfortunately, in Curze's absence, the population collapsed into the same corruption, criminality, and despair that had ruled the roost before his arrival (which, given the strong Imperial presence on the world, especially since it was literally made out of ridiculously rare adamantium, makes no sense at all... unless the Emperor wanted this state of affairs, so he could get more effective terror troops) (which actually makes complete sense, because Nostramo had no police force due to Curze insisting on being all of law enforcement by himself, which has all of the obvious problems). The most ruthless of the criminals were the only ones healthy and strong enough - and these were the most common replacement recruits for the Night Lords. Insubordination to Curze's orders became more frequent and he began having to deal with his own measure of "fixing" things with the criminal scum that were inducted into his forces. Making matters worse, his visions continued to increase in both frequency and graphic severity.

Finally, it reached the point where Curze had no choice but to deal with the problem of his recruiting world turning into a [[Star Wars D20|wretched hive of scum and villainy]], but Fulgrim, the only Primarch Curze had any real connection with, was largely unavailable, and the other Primarchs, instead of listening to him and trying to help, bitched him out and said that it wasn't their problem.

The straw that would finally break the camel´s back was during a joint operation between The Night Lords and the Imperial Fists.

[[Rogal Dorn]] had confronted Curze where he was overseeing the process of [[Grimdark|a long line of prisoners of war who were to be executed as a punitive action]], where Dorne had taken issue with Curze´s way of doing things, saying that peace through fear was not what the Emperor of mankind had intended. Konrad Curze decided to prove his point to Dorn; that without the fear of consequences people wouldn't stay loyal. To illustrate this, Curze gave one of the prisoners a gun and then ordered his men not to kill him, no matter what might happen. Kurze pointed the gun in the prisoner's hand right under his chin, saying [[Troll|"Go ahead, kill me."]] The prisoner refused, to which Kurze stated his Astartes would not kill him. The prisoner, now confident that the Night Lords wouldn't shoot him and when Curze turned his back to him, immediately raised the gun, but Curze killed him before the prisoner could fire at him. Using intimidation and the predictable reaction to it, Curze "proved" his point: once the fear of consequence has been removed, people will feel no loyalty. Of course, he actually completely failed to do this, as he did not choose a loyal test subject to begin with, but Curze had never been one to understand the difference between a friend and an enemy.

Now, if [[Rogal Dorn]] had been a smart primarch, he would just have left well enough alone, or perhaps, told Curze that fear was capable of enforcing obedience, but it could never create loyalty, and that his inability to differentiate the two was what was causing his problems. But as established before, the Emperor hadn't exactly designed the Primarchs with brains in mind. So in an effort to win the argument, Rogal revealed what Fulgrim had said to him about Curze's vision. Angry at the betrayal of trust while in the grip of one of his visions, Curze attacked Rogal Dorn with the claws on his armor´s fingers, slashing Rogal´s face to such a degree that if Rogal hadn´t been a primarch he would have died from his wounds.

As it was, Curze was just put on house arrest/grounded until the matter of an unsanctioned attack ''(read two missing primarchs)'' by one Primarch towards another could be resolved. Curze, however, after reading a special batch of Nostraman tarot cards, said "Screw you guys, we're going home". Killing the Imperial Fists who were guarding him, he and the Night Lords set course towards Nostramo. Curze tried to salvage things while on his homeworld, but the Emperor's arrival had removed the one last barrier the people of Nostramo had between themselves and utter despair: ignorance.

Of course, as the "Prince of Crows" heavily hinted, Curze didn't ''do'' anything other than kill people and incite fear by doing so. No improving the infrastructure, setting up a police force, or anything. And Curze refused to see this as a problem. This could have only lasted so long. In all actuality, the Emperor's arrival just sped things up. It wasn't the other Primarchs' problem, it was Konrad's mess and his one trick wasn't working anymore.

The knowledge of other worlds beyond Nostramo inflicted a hopelessness that guaranteed that nothing on Nostramo could ever change... which makes no sense given both the fact that the Imperium had massively improved their lives and that Nostramo had been trading its adamantium to several other human star systems long before the Imperium arrived (though "Prince of Crows" shows that this was because Curze made it so that there was nothing to do on Nostramo besides "behave and slowly die in an adamantium foundry" or "become a criminal and have some fun before dying quickly"), leaving the world to fester in corruption and depravity like a metastasized tumor. This was made worse by the Imperial Governor appointed to rule Nostramo in Curze's absence, whose corruption-heavy regime more-or-less plunged the entire planet into the same shit that gave birth to the Night Haunter in the first place. Needless to say, Curze was absolutely pissed at his planet and his work going back to square one.

Imperial pursuit craft, determined to stop Curze for abandoning the Great Crusade and checking on his homeworld, arrived just in time to see the lance batteries of Curze's fleet put an end to the nightmare that the planet's inhabitants had found themselves in - the only way he knew how: remorseless mass murder. Curze destroyed the planet with sustained orbital fire to the fissures his own arrival created.

Curze's actions caused him to be especially vulnerable to the whispers of Chaos. The campaigns of the Night Lords became harder and harder to justify - terror campaigns leaving a trail of devastated worlds across the breadth of the galaxy. Curze abandoned his devotion to the Emperor, instead fighting only to spread death and fear. Eventually, it got so bad that the Emperor recalled the Night Lords and prepared to call Curze to task for his actions and that of his legion.

This was 20 years before the Horus Heresy mind you, and it is very likely that the Imperium thought he had gone rogue at that point, or at the very least, completely unhinged for blowing up his homeworld, especially since they had been recalled to account for their terror campaigns and war crimes. So it's a bit bizarre that the loyalists thought it was a good thing that the Night Lords showed up to support them at Isstvan and ''didn't'' see a double-cross coming.

===Horus Heresy===
[[File:NocturnusObsessoris-Final.jpg|300px|thumb|left|Konrad overlooking the spires of Nostramo. and looking badass while doing it.]]
When Horus turned against the Emperor with Fulgrim, Curze was quick to throw in his lot behind the brothers he had actually been able to relate to as opposed to [[Roboute Guilliman|the fucking asshole]]. He even ended up saving Lorgar from [[Corvus Corax]] (although after seeing the Gal Vorbak, the very first squad of [[Possessed Marine]]s, felt it was a mistake).

The Night Lords remained impious, siding with none of the Chaos Gods and instead using them as mere tools in their terror campaigns. Almost entirely populated by criminals and murderers, the Night Lords led the [[Dark Angels]] and the Lion all over the Eastern Fringe. The insanity doesn't end there. In the middle of dicking with the Angels, he invited [[Lion El'Jonson]] to a dead planet (future place of his new palace and his own death...) to deliver a message from Horus, which actually predicted the Dark Angels' fate of everyone hating their guts for not being on Terra because Curze had lead them all over the Eastern Fringe (HAR HAR HAR).

The Lion, who has [[Serious Business|zero tolerance]] for insults, proceeded to attack Curze and got a fantastic one-shot off on him, though that was all he'd get and the two descended into a brawl which had to be ended with the brothers getting pulled off of each other and dragged back to their respective fleets.

The Dark Angels would eventually get the upper hand, presumably because Curze was partly pre-occupied by his "guest" (see below) and because the Lion would start using a [[Heresy|powerful and sentient warp engine]] that allowed him to out maneuver the Night Lords and capture Curze temporarily, essentially breaking the back of the Night Lords Legion. ''([[Sevatar]] took over, killed most of the leading captains and told the fleet to disperse and do [[Rip and Tear|whatever it was]] they wanted)''

====Vulkan====
[[Vulkan]] became Konrad's prisoner after Isstvan V. Unfortunately, Vulkan is [[Perpetual|immortal or some shit]], so he kept coming back from the dead. This pissed the shit out of Curze, who decided to torture him instead. He had to do all kinds of shit, including being forced to kill his own [[Salamanders]], watch prisoners starve themselves, and fight [[Corax]] in a dream. In the end, though, Curze couldn't bring Vulkan down to his level, causing massive amounts of [[rage]].

*SPOILER ALERT*

Vulkan ended up in a maze built by [[Perturabo]], with his hammer at the end of it. Vulkan had a teleporter in his hammer, which he figured Curze didn't know about, which made him hopeful. He couldn't navigate the maze worth shit though, and he was pretty much fucked, but after a couple of days, he pissed off Curze, who then led him to the center so they could fight. Curze was all "fuck you, teleporters don't work here", to which Vulkan replied, "[[Lulz|It's also a hammer]]". Vulkan then proceeded to beat the shit out of Curze, but didn't kill him (Because that would be stooping to his level, apparently).

When he was done, Vulkan said (essentially) "Fuck you Curze, ''I'M'' VULKAN! So MY teleporters work here. I just wanted to beat the shit out of you." He then escaped, leaving Curze more emo, depressed, and filled with more [[RAGE]] than ever before. Not that this mattered because Curze subsequently went on to take out his considerable ire against the entire Dark Angels Legion, leading to an impressively murderous trip to Macragge where he role-played a combination of every slasher movie killer and went with whatever felt natural; his ire got worse, however, when he went after big Bobby G's mother. He tried his usual shtick of freaking her out with how much of a creepy bastard he was. It worked for five seconds before she told him to piss off and die. He would have killed the Lion AND Roboute with a powerful explosion (he had set the chapel of Hera to explode with them in it) if it hadn't been for the power of friendship. Seriously...[[My Little Pony|friendship truly is magi-]]{{BLAM}}.

After having a running battle with Vulkan through the streets of Macragge in which he ended up killing Vulkan several times, taking a morbid delight in seeing how long it would take for him to revive after every kill, he ended up being jumped by a bottled demon and briefly being dragged into the warp. Kurze managed to kill (as in completely, not just banishing) the demon, and was dumped back onto Macragge. He had yet to reappear but had the entire planet on curfew while he was still (theoretically) around.

After spending some time terrifying the locals, he eventually snuck into Sanguinius’s throne room. After talking for a while about how “It’s all daddy’s fault”, Curze and Sanguinius ended up fighting each other. Despite Curze outmatching Sanguinius in both speed and skill at arms he was fully aware that he could not kill Sanguinius (even if he wanted to) due to the fact his destiny was to be eventually killed at Horus’s hands. Both Primarchs had visions of what could happen during the fight and were evenly matched due to their precognition. They eventually separated and Curze gave Sanguinius the chance to kill him, but Sanguinius stopped the blow in mid-air out of pity. Curze then proceeded to mutilate [[Sanguinary_Guard#Azkaellon|Azkaellon]] before blowing up a whole lot of Sanguinary Guard, threw what remained of Azkaellon off a cliff, and disappeared.

Despite having the resources of almost 3 full legions, the rulers of Imperium Secundus had great difficulty tracking Curze Down. When it was revealed that Curze had never ever even left Macragge once in the years since his arrival, the Lion put the planet under almost total martial law and brought in his official Overkill brigade to deal with him. Curze had been fermenting rebellion amongst the Illyrian's, a part of Macragge that had never really accepted the civilisation of Konor and Guilliman. After the Dark Angels massacred an entire nation in response, Curze laid his final endgame in a mountain fortress. The Lion, in response, broke his word to Guilliman, and contrived a devastating (and forbidden) orbital bombardment using droppods and assault rams converted into barrage bombs and torpedoes. When the smoke cleared, the Lion went solo hunting again, walking into the trap Curze had set for him. Unfortunately, for a precog, Curze hadn't anticipated that the Lion had already cleared all the traps set for him and he was captured after a duel (the Lion cheated by calling in Fire Raptors to provent Curze from escaping).

Despite being finally caught, Curze had both the penultimate and last laugh. He managed to do what the Word Bearers, World Eaters, and Night Lords legion had not managed to do with soldiers and fleets, and broke Imperium Secundus. His official court trial had barely started when he told Guilliman that that the Lion had broken his word by staging an ersatz orbital bombardment. Guilliman, having finally lost his patience with the Lion, snapped the Lion's sword in two and Sanguinius told him and his legion to the GTFO of Imperium Secundus. However, just as the Lion was about to leave the system, he remembered Kurze's words of prophecy, that his back, the lion's sword, and word would be broken (as well as Kurze's proclamation that he would be killed by an assassin sent by the Emperor). The Lion teleported back to Macragge, just as Kurze was about to be executed and explained the situation. Guilliman had a mini breakdown over everything he had done on the premise the greater Imperium had fallen and Kurze laughed himself into an aneurysm at the whole situation.

===Death===
They got there late to the party but still [[/tg/ gets shit done|got shit done]], inflicting considerable morale damage on the loyalists. It's still unknown how Kurze got out of Ultramarine custody or even if he participated in the siege of Terra itself but he somehow managed to return to Tsugalsa with what was left of the Legion. The Emperor however, wishing to stop the Night Lords forevermore, dispatched an [[Officio Assassinorum]] operative from the [[Callidus|Callidus Temple]] to kill him.

Curze had foreseen this, however - and he allowed it. He allowed her into his palace and the Callidus encountered no guards between herself and his throne room. Confronted with the Callidus Assassin M'Shen, it is believed that Curze proceeded to make jokes about how she had [[Pretend|butt-sex]] with [[Macha]] before getting down to brass tacks and explaining why he'd allowed her in so easily:

''"Your presence does not surprise me, Assassin. I have known of you ever since your craft entered the Eastern Fringes. Why did I not have you killed? Because your mission and the act you are about to commit proves the truth of all I have ever said or done. I merely punished those who had wronged, just as your false Emperor now seeks to punish me. Death is nothing compared to vindication."''

Whilst it's never been confirmed who [[rape|came out on top]] (or whether or not the Callidus and he engaged in [[Heresy|hardcore ball-busting sex]]), it is believed by many that Curze allowed himself to be killed, having given explicit orders to the Night Lords to allow M'Shen to escape. Only one Night Lord, Apothecary Talos Valcoran of the 10th Company, pursued her out of vengeance (the Night Lords did eventually join in pursuit, but that was only after the senior Captains realized that M'Shen(no connection to Martin Sheen, none at all) had [[Ork|looted]] Curze of all his bling, which they wanted for themselves). It is believed that Curze had come to see himself as a murderous and corrupt villain - the very thing he had sought out to destroy (or perhaps he wished to prove that his decision to destroy Nostramo and join Horus was justified, as the Emperor had become one more tyrant who had to be slain). Maybe he was the hero who lived long enough to become the villian ([[Awesome|Space Marine Batman]]). We may never know the full story behind his actions, and his final words are considered one of the most bizarre enigmas in the Imperium's history.

==Psychic Ability==
Although knowledge of his gifts apparently were not widespread amongst the ranks of his brother Primarchs, Curze was capable of mild feats of psychic display. This was first evidenced by what he would come to call his "affliction" or "curse". Namely, that Konrad was often wracked by horrible visions, likened to waking nightmares, of how people would die. He was no exception; as stated above, the Night Haunter had foreseen his own death from the moment he awoke on Nostramo. These visions also occasionally extended to those he would lay eyes upon. This included his brother Primarchs, and explained his fondness for Fulgrim - the one person who Konrad had not seen suffer a terrible death upon first meeting him. In fact, Konrad's vision after laying eyes on Fulgrim was often described as hazy or lacking in some quality. What was apparent was that Fulgrim somehow found a way to cheat death. It was when he laid eyes on Ferrus Manus, immediately after, that he was shown Fulgrim would somehow be present at the site of Ferrus' demise. Despite this, he was the one primarch whom Konrad didn't foresee a misfortunate or ghastly future. It was this closeness that eventually led Konrad to confess to Fulgrim the nature of the visions he had received, as detailed in the popular duology of Black Library short stories ''The Dark King'' and ''The Lightning Tower''.

The Night Haunter also displayed a few other feats of psychic development, such as telekinetically destroying a series of lights to aid in his escape from a VII Legion detention chamber, and psychically conversing with Jago "Sevatar" Sevatarion. Sevatar, a latent psyker, was exploring Konrad's psyche during the latter's unconsciousness resulting from wounds inflicted by the Lion El'Jonson during the Thramas Crusade. Apparently the Night Haunter had a role in helping to suppress Sevatar's psychic potential, as revealed in the conversation between them - and that, because Sevatar was not trained in their use, those psychic abilities would be increasingly self-destructive.

As the Primarch of the VIII Legion, Konrad had a servant throughout the Great Crusade named Ekra Trez (who bore the title of "Sin-Eater"). Trez was tasked with keeping a record of the Night Haunter's pre-cognitive visions in a massive tome, and would often make note of which ones had been proven correct or false. Trez was also more than aware of Sevatar's psychic ability, leaving some readers of the Black Library's Horus Heresy novels curious as to what role Trez may have played in the Primarch's psychic development - if any.

==Lasting Legacy==
The Night Haunter, in his death, may have continued to leave a lasting impression upon the Imperium as inspiration for one of it's many institutions. Although his legion continues to sow fear and discord amongst the stars, Konrad Curze's legacy of weaponized fear lives on within the Imperium through the Emperor's Holy Ordos of the Inquisition. Like the inquisitors of the 41st Millennium, Konrad brought loyal citizens into compliance through fear and threats of death/torture beyond imagining to those who weren't sure where their allegiances lay. Those who failed to comply were guaranteed either a swift death at the hands of his legion, or a slow death at the tender mercies of his legion's most depraved souls. Lastly, if those comparisons weren't enough, look at the fate of Nostramo - Konrad essentially carried out an act of Exterminatus. Just as Lorgar's teachings on the Emperor's divinity would later lay the foundation for the Imperial Creed of the Ecclesiarchy, the Night Haunter could effectively be treated as the first author of the Inquisition's playbook.

Within the Night Lords, Curze and the Night Haunter each left their own legacy, which caused no small amount of schism. Officially, Curze appointed Zho Sahaal as his successor and Talonmaster, because Sahaal understood that a true warrior is more than just a murder machine. A true warrior has ''focus''. As you can probably predict, every other Night Lord captain decided that ''they'' were more deserving of being Curze's successor and tried to get Sahaal dethroned for being "weak" or whatever. Their logic was that Curze wasn't in charge, the Night Haunter was, and the Night Haunter was supposed to choose the ''true'' successor. After Sahaal became lost in the Warp, captain Kreig Acerbus "the Axemaster" slowly but surely took over huge swathes of the Night Lords and led them to become Chaos Undivided followers. Ironically, the Night Haunter had no intention of ever choosing a successor as he would have preferred that his legion die out completely for becoming everything he personally despised.

==Multiple Personality Disorder?==
Now, we all know the [[Black Library]] can range from the [[Dan Abnett|godly]] to the [[C.S.Goto|Goto]]. So this must be taken with a grain of salt. But ''Lords of the Night'' implies that Curze suffered from Dissociative Identity Disorder, such that he and the Night Haunter were two different people, Konrad the just leader of men, and the Night Haunter the murderous vigilante. 'Blood Reaver' also implies it (a Night Lords sorcerer talking about how at one moment he was trying to teach his long-dead father some idealistic lesson, while at another he was only concerned about eating some slave's heart.) and shows it outright (when he has a bit of a manic episode and forgets that his First Captain died several years ago.) 'Blood Reaver' also suggests that the Emprah's DNA may not have entirely settled in Curze's body, explaining why he was so batshit crazy by the time of his death, not to mention the corpse like appearance he was sporting near the end. The upshot of this is that ''only the Night Haunter'' fell to Chaos, while Curze remained clean. Which one got the other killed is unknown.

Another thing perhaps tied with his Multiple Personality Disorder is that Konrad Curze towards the end had ended up hating his own legion. In a conversation with First Captain Sevatar, Konrad mentioned how he had spoken with Angron and Lorgar following the Istvaan III purge. Cleansing the untrustworthy elements of the World Eaters and the Word Bearers. The sheer absurdity of the idea was laughable to the Night Haunter, for his brothers knew exactly when to stop the killing of the weak, the treacherous and the corrupt within their bloodlines. He had no idea where to begin culling the Night Lords' ranks. His sons were no longer cast in his image. Less than a decade after he had departed Nostramo that world had sent him nothing but filth to integrate into the VIII Legion as Neophytes; the disgusting dregs of humanity his own Apothecaries had infused with his genetic material and reforged into transhumans. The VIII Legion had become poisoned by their presence. The VIII Legion was now composed of warriors who were murderers in the Primarch's own image, yet devoid of his conviction. The Night Lords had become nothing more than killers and abusers, bleeding the weak for their own amusements because they enjoyed it as good sport. Fear became an end unto itself, and its propagation was all the Night Lords desired as they fed upon it.

This was made even more clear by what Curze told Talos before he and the Assassin gotten it on:<br>
''"Many will claim to lead our Legion in the years after I am gone. Many will claim that they - and they alone - are my appointed successor. I hate this Legion, Talos. I destroyed its world to stem the flow of poison. I will be vindicated soon, and the truest lesson of the Night Lords will be taught. Do you truly believe I care what happens to any of you after my death?"''

Now some might say he was overreacting a bit but, still given how the criminal overlords he had spent most of his life on Nostramo eradicating, took over again as soon as he had left the planet and started sending their henchmen to be turned into space marines, it might be understandable. It was not for nothing that Horus had cause to muse that his generals were psychopaths while the Emperors were noble, statuesque leaders of men.

==Tabletop==
[[Image:Konrad-Curze-1.jpg|thumb|right|Wristblades? Check. Stealth capabilities? Check. Skinning prey and taking trophies? Check. Now he just needs a shoulder mounted plasma gun and he'll be able to pass himself off as the Predator.]]

{| border="1" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="5" align="left"
! || WS || BS || S || T || W || I || A || Ld || Sv
|-
| '''Konrad Curze:''' || 8 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 7 || 5+1 || 10 || 2+/4++
|}<br style="clear: left; height: 0px;" /><br>
On the tabletop, Curze has the basic Primarch statline plus Shrouded and Stealth. He has several fear based abilities, such as granting fear to all Night Lords (those who already have Fear impose a -1 on the leadership test), fear tests when in combat with him are taken at -3LD, and if he kills a unit in close combat any unit subject to fear within 12' and line of sight must take a leadership test or fall back. Sire of the Night Lords also grants him the Acute Senses and Night Vision USR, and he may elect to have the first turn of any game have the Night Fighting rule, giving his sons 4+ cover in the open. His weapons are 2 Lightning Claws called Mercy and Forgiveness which have AP 2, the Murderous Strike rule and grants +1 attack (Paired) and his armour, the Nightmare Mantle, provides 2+ armour save and 4+ invulnerable save (like most Primarch Armour), plus when he charges, it grants him hit and run and Hammer of Wrath special rules (inflicting d3 HoW hits instead of the usual one).

Due to the combination of being Jump Infantry and his variety of Fear-based shenanigans, Curze is one of the easier Primarchs to use. The ability to ensure Night Fighting helps your force close to melee where it belongs, and Fear makes it more effective once you get there. He can Hit and Run, butchering high-value targets and [[Awesome|making enemies who see piss themselves in terror and flee.]] The real genius of his rules is that, like Mortarion, he's primed to annihilate a certain kind of unit and has the mobility to chase it down, while also making your legion better at what it already does well.

Best of all, his ranged weapon proves definitely that Konrad Curze is Batman. He literally uses Batarangs during the shooting phase. His ranged attack is called a "Widowmaker Volley", which is essentially 3 bolt pistol profile shots with a special rules that make 4+ to hit precision shots makes 6's to wound ignore both armor AND invulnerable saves. You can't save against the God-Damned Bat Man. The best part is the actual description of the weapons in the Horus Heresy rulebook: "The Widowmakers: Based on the micro-serrated throwing knives utilized for signature-kills by Nostraman assassin-cults, Curze favored the use of these vicious, yet highly precise weapons over more conventional firearms in battle, using them for non-lethal takedowns.

==Konrad Curze VS other Primarchs:==
<div class="toccolours mw-collapsible mw-collapsed" style="100%">
Primarch fighting, while fun to see, isn't a very competitive thing to do as it'll usually tie up both Primarchs for the entire game without either of them dying. With that in mind this section is about how Konrad Curze fares against other Primarchs Mathhammer wise. Please note that all the various abilities are taken into accounts when possible and the match-ups assume the Primarchs are the only ones involved in the fighting, so various abilities like Angron's "The Butcher's Nails" and Rampage do not provide any bonuses. In essence, the fights are supposed to happen in a "Vacuum" for simplicity, but notes are added to make things clearer in particular instances. Also all of the Primarch use their most powerful weapons (because why have a contest if you don't do your best?).
<div class="mw-collapsible-content">

* Konrad Curze VS Horus
**Horus hits 3 times (Talon), wounds 2.667 times, 1.333 after saves and IWND will take that down to 1 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Konrad hits 3 times, wounds 2.25 times, 0.75 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.417.
**Konrad lose (not a big surprise) and as always Horus use his Talon 'cause, even though he would do more damage with Worldbreaker, the Talon allows him to make his opponent basically harmless after a couple of wounds.

* Konrad Curze VS Angron
**Angron Round 1: hits 5.333 times, wounds 4.444 times, 2.222 after saves, and IWND take it down to 1.889.
**Angron Round 2 and thereafter: hits 4 times, wounds 3.333 times, 1.667 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 1.333 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Curze hits 3 times, wounds 2.25 times (0.75 of which causes ID), 1 wounds after saves and FNP and IWND will take that down to 0.667 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Angron easily wins, doing a lot more damage and receiving less in turn.
**Note: Curze can Hit & Run, but by doing so he would only gain one more attack, while allowing Angron to reset his Hatred, thus actually making himself dies even faster. However he would be a much better fight: Konrad on the Charge would do 2.625 wounds (0.875 with ID) which become 1.168, plus 0.1389 for HoW and 0,359 for the Widowmakers, for a total of 1,666 wounds, or 1.333 after IWND. This, thanks to the -1 wound of Angron, actually means that they would kill each other on the fifth assault, at the same initiative step. Provided that Konrad always succeed in his escape, that is.

* Konrad Curze vs Mortarion
**Mortarion hits 2.5 times, wounds 1.667 times, 0.833 wounds after saves and 0.5 wounds after IWND.
**Curze hits 4 times, wounds 2.222 times, 1.11 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.555 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Curze lose as even though he does more damage, Mortarion has 1 more wound that will make him outlast the Night Haunter.
**Note: with the Hit & Run tactics Konrad would actually win, thanks to the +1 attack on the charge, HoW and the knives, butchering Mortarion in 9 rounds while Mortarion would need 11 (counting overwatch).

* Konrad Curze vs Fulgrim
**Fulgrim hits 3.5 times, wounds 2.333 times, 1.167 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.833 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Curze hits 3 times, wounds 2.25 times, 0.75 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.417 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Easy win for Fulgrim. Even with Hit & Run, Konrad would not win this fight. Still, he would outdamage Fulgrim on the charge (1.472 wounds after all saves, 1.139 after IWND) and he would loose only thanks to the superior initiative of the Phoenician, coming extremely close to claiming a surprising draw.

* Konrad Curze vs Ferrus Manus
**Ferrus hits 2.5 times, wounds 2.083 times, 1.042 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.709 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Curze hits 4 times, wounds 2.222 times, 0.741 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.407 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Ferrus win.
**Note: Even though with Hit & Run Konrad could close the gap and do almost the same exact damage as Ferrus over the course of the fight, mathematically winning thanks to his superior initiative, this tactics is not reliable against the Gorgon thanks to the Concussive & Strikedown of Forgebreaker.

* Konrad Curze VS Vulkan
**Vulkan hits 2 times, wounds 1.666 times, 0.833 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.5 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Curze hits 4 times, wounds 2.222 times, 0.741 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.185 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Vulkan is just too tanky for Konrad.
**Note: with the usual tactic of Hit & Run Curze would outdamage Vulkan, but this is hindered by the fact that Dawnbringer has Concussive, making it difficult to foresee: it could go either way. (Because it's also a Hammer.)

* Konrad Curze VS Lorgar
**Lorgar hits 2.5 times, wounds 2.0833 times,1.042 after saves and IWND will take that to 0.708 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Curze Round 1: hits 3.555 times, wounds 2.369 times, 1.184 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.851 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Curze Round 2: hits 4 times, wounds 3 times, 1.5 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 1.167 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Konrad wins.
**Note: as always, psychic powers not included. You know how it would end anyway...

*Konrad Curze VS Perturabo
**Perturabo hits 2 times, wounds 1.667, 0.833 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.5 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Curze hits 3 times, wounds 2.25 times, 0.75 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.417 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Konrad loses as Perturabo does marginally more damage.
**Note: With Hit & Run Konrad would win, but the chance he is not concussed in the round he wants to escape are pretty slim, meaning that Perturabo has still the edge in this fight.

* Konrad Curze VS Alpharius
**Alpharius hits 2.92 times and wounds 1.701 times, 0.851 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.517 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Curze hits 4 times, wounds 3 times, 1.5 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 1.167 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Konrad wins.

* Konrad Curze VS Rogal Dorn
**Dorn hits 2 times, wounds 1.5 times, 0.75 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.417 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Curze hits 3 times, wounds 2.25 times, 1.125 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.792 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Konrad wins thanks to his superior number of attacks.

* Konrad Curze VS Corvus Corax
**Corvus hits 4 times (Scourge)/3 times (Shadow-walk), wounds 3 times (Scourge)/2.25 times (Shadow-walk), 1.5 wounds (Scourge)/1.125 wounds (Shadow-walk) after saves and IWND will take that down to 1.167/0.792 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Curze hits 4 times/3 times, wounds 3 times/2.25 times, 2 wounds/1.5 after saves and IWND will take that down to 1.667/1.167 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Konrad wins.
**Note: even though they both got Hit & Run, Konrad doesn't get +1 attack to charge Corax, 'cause he has Shroud Bombs, and also doesn't get +1 S ans I, making Corax considerably stronger when he charge all things considered. All in all, a pretty balanced fight, even if the stats don't say so. Corax doesn't have Widowmakers, though...

* Konrad Curze VS Roboute Guilliman
**Guilliman Round 1/2: hits 2.5 times, wounds 2.222 times, 1.111 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.778 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Guilliman Round 3 and thereafter: hits 3.333 times, wounds 2.963 times, 1.481 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 1.148 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Curze Round 1: hits 4 times, wounds 3 times, 1 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.667 at the start of the next turn.
**Curze Round 2 and thereafter: hits 3 times, wounds 2.25 times, 0.625 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.292 at the start of the next turn.
**Konrad lose.
**Note: as always, Konrad could attempt to even the odds with Hit and Run, negating Preternatural Strategy while gaining the +1 attack for the charge (and sniping some wounds with his knives). But so long as Guilliman uses his power fist by the second round of combat Curze will be locked to initiative 1 and will be dead before it's guaranteed he'll be able to leave combat.

* TLDR version: Even though he does a lot of damage, Konrad is not really suited for Primarch vs Primarch fights. Do not misunderstand: he is a real beast when he can make use of Hit & Run and the Widowmakers are extremely good, especially against Primarchs with strong invulnerable saves. Still, you have to consider that all of his special rules are primary designed to scare his opponents and make them flee, but since all Primarchs are Fearless he can't use them. Despite this, he can win some fights and, when he struggle, he can still significantly cripple even some of the strongest Primarchs, leaving them weak and vulnerable. But you are arguably best served to employ his mobility to evade them (instead of fighting) and charge something he could actually butcher in a single round, to make the most of his King of Terror special rule. Make their allies flee in panic and then destroy them when they are alone and surrounded...

</div></div>

==Gallery==
<gallery>
File:Night haunter by cabal art.png|Isn't he the cutest murderous psychopath vigilante ever?
File:Konrad.jpg
File:BigKurze.jpg|[[Emperor|Christ]] that looks epic. Even if it's on graph paper.
File:Konspire.png|Do not get on his bad side.
File:Spess Punisher.jpg|Two merry psycho vigilantes. Glorious coincidence or awesome tribute ?
</gallery>

{{Primarchs}}

[[Category:Chaos]]

Roboute Guilliman

2017-03-17T05:17:03Z

2601:246:8200:D4:85C1:2368:3B:BD0B:

''"[[Horus|Leadership is not magnetic personality]], [[Fulgrim|that can just as well be a glib tongue]]. [[Vulkan|It is not "making friends ]][[Lorgar|and influencing people]]", that is flattery. Leadership is lifting a person's vision to higher sights, the raising of a person's performance to a higher standard, the building of a personality beyond its normal limitations."''<br>
― Peter F. Drucker

''Si vis pacem, para bellum. If you want peace, prepare for war.''<br>
- Publius Flavius Vegetius Renatus
[[File:Robute_Guilliman.jpg|Guilliman as portrayed by Forge World. Also, that face just screams "I'm surrounded by plebeians."...And looks strangely like Mark Strong, maybe Daniel Craig if you squint a bit or block out his forehead.|400px|thumb|right]]
'''Roboute Guilliman''' ("Row-BOOT-ay" "GILL-uh-man" ɹəʊ-buːt-eɪ ɡɪl-ə-mæn) [[If_the_Emperor_had_a_Text-to-Speech_Device#Team_Emperor|AKA Papa Smurf]] was the Primarch of the [[Ultramarines]], and a man with a staggering collection of nicknames, including but not limited to: Rowboat Girlyman, Roman Gorillaman, Rawbutt Jellyman, Rampant Gullytan, Robot Gigglytan, Raw-Rigged Ginger-Fan, Robot Gulliver, Robust Gilligan, Robit Ghillie Suit, Reboot Gigabyte, Robert Gullible, Roboot Girlymayne, Robot Gorillaman, Robooty Guillotine, Roman Gogillian, R. Googleman Esq. (and any and every combination of the above), Julius Caesar ''in SPESS'', Big Blue Daddy, Papa Ultra Smurf, Big Bobby G, or High Lord Douchebag and Ward's Ever Chosen Robart. Thanks to the rabid fanboying of [[Matt Ward]], most of [[/tg/]] hates him, which is sad, because he's actually one of the nicest and most with-it Primarchs, even if he did cling to tradition so much that it made him look like a total jerkwad; this included an inability to deal with "unconventional" tactics, which occasionally caused friction between his brothers and himself, most famously being partially responsible for turning [[Alpharius]] to chaos. [[Omegon|Maybe]]. It's [[Iron Snakes|hard to tell]].

'''HE'S BACK, BITCHES!!! Ultramarines players rejoice!'''

(Everyone else [[Anal_Circumference|despair]])

==Life==
Unlike most worlds that the other Primarchs landed on, Macragge was a pretty perfect and nice place to live on. However it was a Greco-Roman theme so someone like Magnus or even Sanguinius would have been thrown off a cliff for being defective, plus Guilliman was found by a politician while they were on a hunting trip. Konor was one of the co-rulers of Macragge and took the young boy. Konor was a pretty cool dude, he advocated helping the common man and reforms that would make the world a meritocracy. These were a major influence on Roboute and stayed with him throughout his life. It also says something that Konor's seneschal, Tarasha Euten, was effectively Guilliman's surrogate mother, making him one of the only Primarchs to have a conventional family, [[Butthurt|a fact that twisted Konrad Curze's nipples to no end (which goes double when she tells him to go fuck himself)]].

One day while Roboute was coming back after fighting the Macragge's version of the Gauls, he found his home in disarray. Konor was the victim of some Roman politics. The other co-ruler, Gallan, was pissed off at all these reforms and so just sent his army to rape, pillage and burn. Seeing his once peaceful home burning, neighbors looting and killing each other; left the second major impact on Roboute and the most likely source of why he was always so anal about keeping things in order.

After gutting Gallan and restoring order, Roboute worked to make his father's dream a reality. This was the third major impact on his life: though he claimed that Gallan's death was justice, Guilliman came to realize that it was in fact vengeance, and worked to master his emotional self-control. By the time the Emperor reached Macragge, Roboute had ruled for five years and turned the world into a place where you had to earn your place, not just be born, like what his father wanted.

===Great Crusade===
[[File:Know No Fear huge.jpg|400px|thumb|right|''"Lorgar of Colchis. You may consider the following. One: I entirely withdraw my previous offer of solemn ceasefire. It is cancelled, and will not be made again, to you or to any other of your motherless bastards. Two: you are no longer any brother of mine. I will find you, I will kill you, and I will hurl your toxic corpse into hell’s mouth."'' - Roboute Guilliman, channeling Bryan Mills.]]
Generally Roboute was a classic "Jerk with a heart of gold" he was a total asshole for people he didn't think earned their place, and a great number of people he saw as chaotic and unorthodox (although secretly he had great respect for [[Leman Russ]] and [[Jaghatai Khan]]) but was humble and nice to normal people treating them like equals and very much big on the need to raise the living standards of the Imperium. As a result, many of his brother Primarchs were uncertain about his intentions, and fewer still even liked him. His only friends among the Primarchs were [[Horus]], [[Sanguinius]], [[Ferrus Manus]], and [[Rogal Dorn]] and obviously [[Vulkan]] FRIENDLIEST OF MEN ( [[Vulkan]] was everyone's friend, especially ''yours'')

A good example of this was his dealings with Alpharius. While the common view is that Guilliman was simply annoyed at his younger brother for not having the same tactics as the Ultramarines, in truth it was because Guilliman was thinking ''after'' the battle. While the Alpha Legion's methods were great at messing and breaking an army, they left the world a ruined and chaotic mess with very poor public order, mass unrest and paralysed with both fear and uncertainty. By comparison, the Ultramarines' straightforward tactics ensured that planet was mostly intact, which allowed it to be more easily integrated into the Imperium. Curze, however, would strongly disagree on this statement, and so did Alpharius. But since Roby never needed to [[Exterminatus|blow up]] [[Nostramo|a world he previously "pacified" by just killing people]], maybe Spess Punisher was not the best attorney for Alpharius in retrospect... Or just Curze's standards were a lot higher (but VERY poorly executed): after all, Guilliman didn't change a thing on Nuceria, a beautiful feudal world of charming people enjoying slaves and pit fights and slaves fighting in pits (not to say they were fucking responsible for the mess Angron turned into) after incorporating it in his empire; it was of no concern to Robaut, the only thing he cared about was resources and taxes arriving in time. Truly, Guilliman mirrored the Emperor in more ways he would admit himself. Still better than being butchered by some space sadists AND forced to pay said taxes... Early Crusade Konrad was a creepy but kind of idealistic guy who killed only the guilty and saw fear as a tool to impose order and obedience with minimal (yet imaginative and memorable) bloodshed. Alpharius was just an arrogant asshole devastating whole societies for the sake of OLOLOL JUST AS PLANNED and he didn't even possess the Night Haunter's twisted sense of honour and justice.

He was an extremely skilled tactician, administrator, warrior and designer, and was an unparalleled statesman. While he preferred to form battle plans rather than actually participate in the fighting himself, he still did his fair share of Xeno-killing. In the hopes of passing down some of his strategic expertise, he worked very hard to turn the Ultramarines into an army of thinkers. His primary rule as a commander was "Information is victory", emphasizing that Space Marines needed theoretical knowledge and practical experience, in other words, a sound understanding of the tactical situation and a means to achieve their objective. Given that battle plans proved to be the first casualty, Guilliman soon realized that he would need to refine his own strategies even as he codified them, lest they fall apart in the chaos of warfare. In spite of that, with over 250,000 legionaries, he managed to achieve compliance on the highest number of worlds during the [[Great Crusade]], but was surpassed in ''military'' victories not only by the [[Luna Wolves]], but by [[Space Wolves]] and [[Dark Angels]] as well. Meaning he was either a good diplomat or his crusade encountered much more peaceful human societies not being mutants than average one. Or both. The planets were also model military worlds, and the Ultramarines would not leave until a modern [[Planetary Defence Force]] was established. He really should've been put jointly in charge of administration post-Ullanor, which would've made premature, excessive taxation of newly integrated worlds a lot easier to avoid (and therefore fewer worlds would have joined Horus' rebellion).

It is also implied in ''Know no Fear'' that Guilliman was maybe a little more tolerant than his father regarding religion, Oll Persson managing to remain a Catholic for 18 years after he settled on Calth (and his neighbors were well aware of his faith). Before screaming "noblebright Mary Sue!", you should know that it fits in with the Roman roots of the Ultramarines, as Romans didn't really give a fuck about what you did at home as long as your loyalty to Rome was absolute. But if you placed your private religion above the Emperor's orders, you were badly fucked. So perhaps Guilliman just exterminated the most dangerous cults, kept an eye on the others and chose a unofficial "don't ask, don't tell" policy.

Though above his genius, above his skills as an administrator and a statesman, Guilliman's most noteworthy characteristic is probably being one of the few well adjusted, sensible people in the entire freaking galaxy. Guilliman was one of the few Primarchs who didn't really see the Emperor as his father, and he was the first to state how shitty the Emperor was at raising kids and never fully forgave the Emperor for using him and his Legion as a tool to humiliate Lorgar. He understood how to run an empire, how to inspire loyalty and how to temper the flawed nature of humanity with organisation and discipline. The Emperor's greatest failing was always a lack of understanding in the people he ruled, a flaw that few saw in him, save perhaps for [[Malcador the Sigillite]] and Guilliman.

===Horus Heresy===
When civil war broke out, Guilliman was tricked into taking most of his Legion to Calth for a joint Ultramarines/[[Word Bearers]] engagement. While most of his Chapter Masters believed it was just Horus flexing his muscle, Guilliman realized it was partly political: when the Emperor of Mankind rebuked [[Lorgar|Lorgar Aurelian]] for spreading the ''Lectitio Divinatatus'', he ordered the Ultramarines to burn Monarchia, capital city of Khur, as an example of what would happen to those who continued to defy the [[Imperial Truth]]. Guilliman carried out his orders and didn't show Lorgar any sympathy, but privately confided to some of his officers his discomfort in doing so, feeling that the total humiliation would irreparably damage relations between the XIII and XVII Legions. Guilliman saw this as a chance to mend fences and forge friendships the old fashioned way: by getting Space Marines to kill Orks. Unfortunately, Horus and Lorgar used the Calth muster to kill nearly half the Legion in a surprise attack. When he found out Lorgar's treachery he personally declared to hunt Lorgar down and kill him, only to be attacked by some sort of [[Daemon]]ic proxy and voided onto his flagship. Guilliman did what any other pissed off Primarch would do: go on a rampage against Word Bearers trying to board the ''Macragge's Honour'' by punching them to death. In space. [[Mary_Sue|Without a helmet]]. ''For half an hour.'' ([[Dan Abnett]] is still pretty proud of that scene).

Anyway, after the Battle of Calth, Guilliman had to contend with the Shadow Crusade, as Lorgar and Angron tore the 500 Worlds of Ultramar a new one. (<s>Except not really, they razed 26 worlds, just 5.2% of ultramar</s> That is only the main fleet's count, [[Just_as_planned|both WB and WE were split into smaller fleets after Armatura to terrorise 500 Worlds while Guilliman was chasing Lorgar and Angron with his forces amassed]])

After seeing off the Shadow Crusade, Guilliman decided that if his father could not be saved, His ideals would be, setting up a new government called [[Imperium Secundus]], a second Imperium of Man which would reject Horus's alliance with [[Chaos]]. Although potentially traitorous, Guilliman's motives at least ''appeared'' sincere, he made a big hoohah about not taking the throne himself, since he would look like a Tyrant if he did. Fortunately/Unfortunately, [[Lion El'Jonson|The Lion]] arrived at Macragge and didn't like [[heresy|where it was heading]]. Neither brother trusted the other with the job of ruling the next Imperium, so [[Sanguinius]] got the job only to settle the matter between the two and was declared regent of the Imperium in the Emperor's absence, which meant fuck all because he promptly got murdered by Horus in the battle of Terra.

Whatever his intentions, Guilliman led over one hundred thousand Ultramarines to Terra with the [[Dark Angels]] and the [[Space Wolves]], intent on relieving the [[Blood Angels]], [[Imperial Fists]], and [[White Scars]] defending the throneworld. Learning about this and knowing that he could not sustain the assault on Terra anymore once the bulk of the loyalist forces came into the fight, Horus lowered the void shields upon the ''Vengeful Spirit'' in an all-or-nothing gambit to win the war by killing the Emprah in a duel. By one collosal fuckup or another, the vastly superior relieving force DIDN'T crush the beleaguered traitor forces. The traitor legions fled Terra, and the rest is history...

===41st millennium / Gathering Storm===
[[File:16999239_340497286345256_3126583543407667659_n.jpg|600px|right|thumb|Our [[Spiritual Liege]] about to give [[Skarbrand]] a [[Sanguinius]]-style head chopping.]]

:''We shall give the humans a demigod. A king reborn with a deathly blade.'' -Prince [[Yriel]].

As we know, after being poisoned by Fulgrim, Guilliman was put into stasis. A popular rumor was that he was slowly healing, though that would be impossible in stasis. After a long battle, Rowboat's <s>plot armour has finally defeated physics and it is confirmed that he does survive</s> boo-boo gets kissed by <s>Saint Celestine</s> Yvraine and Cawl. He feels all better now, as he plays a major role in the third Gathering Storm book. That's right; Gorillaman is back! And in plastic! Somebody call Fulgrim, he'll be pissed! (Spoiler alert. He is really, really pissed. So is Mortarion.)

Also, it seems that [[Saint Celestine]] and Inquisitor Greyfax have convinced Roboute to withold final judgement against the [[Ecclesiarchy]] ''for now'', setting that aside to deal with the larger problems facing the Imperium. Suffice to say, he is <u>'''NOT'''</u> pleased with the whole space Catholicism thing that has been going on while he was asleep.

Essentially, after Roboute was resurrected, he immediately took command of the local imperial forces and used his [[Tactical genius|tactical genius]] to inspire the combined forces of Chaos to simultaneously shit themselves. Within a month, Girlyman routed the entire invading Chaos force on Macragge in a series of battles and heroic duels worthy of any primarch. Once Macragge is liberated, Papa Smurf then looked to liberate the rest of the Macragge system, this time with help from the Primogenitor Chapters, the [[Dark Angels]], [[Space Wolves]], [[White Scars]], a [[Sisters of Battle]] army, the remaining [[Black Templars]], more [[Imperial Guard|Guardsmen]], a ship containing an entire [[Imperial Knight|Knight Household]], an entire [[Imperial Navy]] battlegroup, and the [[Mechanicus]] with an entire [[Titan|Titan Legion]] backing them. He also declares the independent sovereignty of the five hundred worlds null and void, assuming direct control over his former territories. [[Rape|There was no kill like overkill.]]

During his coronation as uber-boss of Ultramar, a fragment of [[Fulgrim]] disguised as a planetary governor infiltrated the many, many pilgrims and dignitaries who had shown up to verify the Primarch's resurrection, and offered him a golden wreath to wear. The wreath was cursed to show Guilliman all his potential glories and lead him to the embrace of Slaanesh. When he saw through the deception and ordered the infiltrator slain, Fulgrim promised that Guilliman would never take any satisfaction from his victories ever again. Which kind of reinforces the notion that Fulgrim is beyond [[Butthurt]] that he did not kill Papa Smurf.

Later, [[Nurgle]] inflicted a plague on Ultramar called '''The Sorrows''' that spread via insects and caused its victims' eyes to rot out. However, the only known cure for the disease was to be admitted to the presence of Guilliman himself. Realising that it was a devious trick to play on the Primarch's compassion and contain Guilliman in Ultramar, he declared that he would not repeat the mistake of [[Imperium Secundus|defending his own realm while the rest of he galaxy burned]] and needed to go to Terra for the greater good of the Imperium, and left his Apothecaries to try and find a cure.

After Robby G has finished his job in ousting [[Chaos]] from Ultramar, the Ynnari bid their farewell, as they have other psychic mumbo-jumbo to do elsewhere. Roboute and Yvraine said their goodbyes, Roboute said that he is in debt to Yvraine for bringing him back to life and Yvraine telling Roboute to stay safe. Although in all honesty the respect between the two was a tad bit...[[Love Can Bloom|''too close''.]] Like it sounded that there was some sexual tension between the two. Is the implication of Primarch/Eldar attraction [[Heresy|heretical?]] Maybe, but it does show the reasonable and respectable behavior of Roboute even with xenos like the Eldar which has a chronic backstabbing disorder. [[Kharn|What a swell guy.]]

It is known that while heading to Terra on ''Macragge's Honour'' (OMG GLORIANA CLASS BATTLESHIP!), the Red Corsairs and daemons, led by Kairos Fateweaver, attack him and his allies. Kairos manages to "bind Guilliman in chains of his own guilt, anger, and disappointment" (Kinky) and toss him into a cell on a Blackstone Fortress, which the Red Corsairs suddenly have. However, his relief comes in the form of none other than '''[[Cypher]]''' who has been led to Guilliman by the Harlequins and a bunch of [[Khorne|Khornate]] daemons assaulting the Blackstone Fortress which Kairos did not foresee ([[Not as Planned]]). Cypher makes a deal with Guilliman, freeing him and the crusader army from bondage and offering the [[Fallen Angels]]' support in exchange for a free pass to Terra and the Imperial Throne Room to fulfill his destiny. Escaping through the webway, they are pursued by the [[Thousand Sons]] but fight their way through to Luna and continue the battle on Terra's doorstep, and eventually Guilliman winds up having a duel with [[Magnus]] himself. Guilliman looks to be losing the fight until he gets saved by the [[Sisters of Silence]], supported by the [[Imperial Fists]] and the [[Adeptus Custodes]], who drop in to save the day. When he finally arrives on Terra, Guilliman double crosses Cypher by getting him arrested by the Custodians ''(though Cypher, being Cypher, immediately escapes [[Just as Planned]])''.

Guilliman then gets an audience with the Emperor behind closed doors, at which point Big E presumably said, "the Administratum is in shambles, so do your thing and be useful for once you fucking nerd," along with perhaps a few pointed words about that whole [[Imperium Secundus|draining resources from Terra during the heresy]] thing. When he emerged, he would say he got all the enlightenment he needed and then declares himself '''Lord Commander of the Imperium''' ''(his old job)'' before forcibly deposing some High Lords he doesn't like and replacing them. Whilst his deposing of some of the High Lords may seem unnecessary given the desperate/fragile state of the Imperium and the Lord's [[Fail|overall performance,]] do take note that Guilliman is a Meritocrat and an Administrator first and foremost, so if anyone can save the Administratum and the Imperial Senate, it's him. Thus him rearranging the High Lords is perfectly in character as he views the current High Lords as too ineffective at doing their jobs and he is the only one with his head not stuck up his ass.

He also hilariously pimpslapped [[Skarbrand]] with his Hand of Dominion before using his in-built heavy bolters to make Skarbrand's head into soup (though to be fair, Skarbrand's lot in life; much like Ka'Bandha and An'ggrath; is to get beaten up to make other people look cool); he also resisted Skarbrand's aura of [[Rage]] with [[Wat|willpower alone,]] resisted the temptations of basically all four Chaos Gods, and just generally did a bunch of OP primarch shit. Judgement as to his Mary Sue status should be withheld until we have another loyalist primarch to compare his deeds to.

[[Tl;dr]], Robby came, he saw, and he gave the entire Chaos Space Marines an [[Anal circumference|anal pounding]] like no other.

==Popular Opinion==
''All men can see these tactics whereby I conquer, but what none can see is the strategy out of which victory is evolved.''<br>
- Sun Tzu

Guilliman is mostly hated by the community at large because of [[Matt Ward | Mattards]] Codex: Space Marines. However, it is worth stating that Guilliman was probably one of the most important figures holding the Imperium together after the Horus Heresy. He's pretty much the only Primarch to realize that the Emperor's ideals were more important than the man himself, which is something that [[Malcador the Sigillite|Malcador]] kept preaching.

He was also the best Primarch when it came to logistics and organization, rivaled only by [[Perturabo]] (but Guilliman wasn't an antisocial autistic weirdo, so there's that), which is pretty much one of the only reasons why the [[Imperium of Man]] didn't collapse after the Horus Heresy. He was able to train and equip more than twice as many Marines during the [[Great Crusade]] than any other Legion, and he wrote the [[Codex Astartes]] (still the standard for Space Marine tactics). He is credited with reorganizing the entire governmental and administrative system of the [[Imperium of Man]] (yes, the reorganized Administratum ended up running the galaxy into the ground, but the fact that it's still running at all is a good sign).

However as the Horus Heresy series continues, it is revealed that it was actually [[Malcador the Sigillite]] who had been creating the foundations for the later Imperium. In fact it is continuously being hinted that Guilliman positioned himself to take over the Imperium after the fall of the Emperor, being almost explicitly stated in ''Vengeful Spirit''. whether through good intentions or through sinister means has yet to be revealed. Funnily enough Kor Phaeron, who hated his guts, identified him as the Primarch best suited to succeed his dad, though given the source, that may well be intended as an insult. Despite this, Guilliman claimed that he had no desire to be Emperor and promised his brothers that if the otherwise impassable Ruinstorm abated, he would immediately send his fleet to Terra. That said, the Blood Angels managed to get back to Terra somehow, despite being on the wrong side of it, so it's unknown just how difficult it was to get back.

''Unfortunately'', thanks to 10,000 years of propaganda and exaggeration (and Matt Ward's Codex: Space Marines), Guilliman is ''absolutely perfect'' in every way and treated as ''second only to the Emperor'' through ''the entire Imperium.'' This is incorrect, considering that [[Sebastian Thor]] is actually the main Imperial saint, and [[Sanguinius]] is the primarch most beloved by the common men of the Imperium. Regardless, Guilliman is pretty high on the list and the only Primarch whose body is on public display. This "better than thou" shit is sad and quite paradoxical, since Guilliman himself genuinely recognized [[Lion El'Jonson|some]] [[Horus|Primarchs]] were better than him as leaders. He has sometimes been portrayed as petty or jealous of his brother Primarchs but also intelligent enough to acknowledge his own errors when proved wrong. Far from the "perfect in every aspect" figure Matt Ward promoted, the HH Guilliman is actually a man with a lot of very human weaknesses but possessing the humility to admit them as flaws he must deal with.

[[Fallen Angels|Astelan]], while a prisoner of the [[Dark Angels]] goes into detail explaining how Guilliman was purportedly the ''"greatest"'' of the Primarchs, but only in the context of what the Emperor intended for them. Astelan describes that Guilliman was '''"not the most able-minded, nor as charismatic, and not as physically adept"''' and was the inferior of [[Horus]] in every respect. Although Astelan was also a traitor and a fallen angel, so his word is hardly reliable. His greatness came from the fact that Guilliman never once wavered in dedication and service and created his Space Marines to be incorruptible. Guilliman and his Ultramarines were the perfect <u>sons</u>, not necessarily perfect soldiers. It's also worthy of note that much like [[Rogal Dorn]] and [[Lion El'Jonson]], Guilliman was a possible candidate for the position of warmaster, but was rejected for the same reasons they were: he didn't get along with many of his brothers.

However, contrary to that, He also did a lot of tricky things in [[Horus Heresy]], like that whole [[Imperium Secundus]] thing, and it's popularly theorized that he was bitter that he never got to be '''Warmaster''', which despite his claims that he had no desire to become Emperor, when he appointed the [[High Lords of Terra]] he nominated himself for the seat of '''Lord Commander of the Imperium''' which was essentially "Warmaster" in all but name, and the titular commander of the entirety of the Imperium's armed forces. So claiming that no man should have the power of a Legion, then place himself at the top of the chain of command for all of the [[Space Marine Chapter|Chapters]] that his remaining brothers were left with was a bit hypocritical.

<div class="toccolours mw-collapsible mw-collapsed" style="width:600px">
Or was it?
<div class="mw-collapsible-content">
It's quite likely that Guilliman's actions in creating the Imperium Secundus, and his later actions during the reformation of the Imperium, are a reference to the Roman practice of [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roman_dictator|Roman Dictatorship]]. A roman dictator was more or less what we think of as a modern dictator, with one key exception. The dictator was given absolute executive and military power over Rome and her holdings in times of crisis, when the gridlock and beaurocratic red tape of roman society got in the way of doing what needed to be done. But as strange as it sounds to our modern minds, dictators were elected to their position, and without exception in all the history of Rome every dictator willingly stepped down and returned power to the senate.

It's highly likely that Guilliman's actions after the emperor's death are a reference to this practice: he set aside the normal moral and legal rules restricting him so that he could restructure the imperium. Despite the fact that he was in the perfect position to assume power over the entire imperium, he relinquished power to the Council of Terra after some sense of stability had returned. This is further supported by how heavily his legion leans on Roman culture, and how much Guilliman himself draws on the famous generals of Rome (Julius and Augustus Caesar, Cininatus, etc).</div></div>

So with that being said, he was no more flawless than the other Primarchs; Even during the Great Crusade, while he was considered to be one of the greatest strategists in the entire Imperium, he was defeated in combat simulations by [[Corax]] of the [[Raven Guard]], having to be specifically taught that there is no fixed dividing line between non-combatants and soldiers when people are defending their homes; that under-strength units should not be ruled out as ineffective; and that small units of adaptable troops can be wielded with just as much effect as larger battalions and chapters. Furthermore, Guilliman stuck closely to his tried and true methods, refusing to give credit to what he considered "unconventional" tactics, pissing off many other Primarchs, most notably [[Alpharius]]. Even though he would later be shown by his own men how effective such unconventional guerrilla tactics would be and would include then in his codex.

Therefore while he was certainly the Primarch with the greatest mental capacity and adaptability, he was apparently incapable of lateral thinking and would fail to see the flaws in his methods until explicitly shown the error of his ways. ( which certainly indicates that he was definitely not the primarch with the greatest mental capacity or adaptability. Alpharius and Magnus come to mind or even Corax or the Lion whos Legion literally did it all.) Also, though the Codex Astartes undoubtedly did a lot of good things like making sure each chapter could feasibly fight under most conditions no matter their heritage or preference, forcing all of his brothers to split their Legions into [[Codex Astartes|Chapters]] risked a second galactic civil war.

Additionally, although it isn't (entirely) his fault, Guilliman is usually blamed for turning the Ultramarines into such faggots. The Codex is now basically treated as infallible by the Ultramarines ''(at least the more faggot-y ones; [[Captain Titus|there's at least some who take it with a grain of salt and realize where its strengths and weaknesses lie]])''. even though he '''specifically said''' that the [[Codex Astartes]] should not be treated as a bible to be followed unerringly... Except for the organizational parts, which he forced on his brothers as part of the post-Heresy reforms and were upheld by the High Lords of Terra as a means of keeping the Astartes in check.

Recently he's been increasingly entrusted to the care of the Mighty [[Dan Abnett]] and his faggot level is dropping rapidly. Now, Guilliman isn't portrayed as a power armored Sun Tzu, but as a logistical genius, planning planetary conquest in a way that would leave said worlds in a state that could quickly be returned to order and Imperial rule. His high number of compliant worlds is a direct product of this, helped by his Legion's innate tendency towards discipline, hierarchy and monomaniacal fixation on whatever their objective might be.

This adherence toward a rigid chain of command did end up becoming a double-edged sword later on, since when Guilliman was put into stasis the Ultramarines still tried to follow him (thanks to him being the at the top of the chain) and as such started to forget that the Codex Astartes was only meant to be a guideline, as opposed to a definitive text. More importantly, they slowly lost their ability to adapt to new situations, which was their most famed of traits, until the Tyrannic Wars illustrated the need to improvise new strategies when old ones failed them.

Once upon a time, thanks to the rabid fanboying of [[Matt Ward]], most of [[/tg/]] hated him, but many of them have since come around. Still expect people to [[Rage|bitch endlessly]] about how he was an absolute [[Leman Russ|narrow-minded]] [[Lion El'Jonson|hypocritical]] [[Dorn|jerk]], but don't feel bad about it.

Ironically enough, Guilliman has something the Imperium needs even more desperately than new technologies and peace: managerial skills, among the primarchs Guilliman was the only one who actually seemed to be bright enough to understand and strongly insist that no empire, no matter how militarily powerful, could withstand without a good administration, keeping the fiscal balance positive and ensuring the population, not just the armies, have a decent enough standard of living and supply lines, it speaks something of most of the denizens of 4chan that so few of them have ever pointed out this simple fact.

On a side note, he likes Shakespeare's work.

===Suddenly, Forge World!===
[[Image:Girlyman.jpg|400px|thumb|right|[[Dwarfs (Warhammer Fantasy)|Guilliman atop his mighty Oathstone (not seen are the Chapter Serfs who get the honour of carrying him around)! Note how tiny his sword is. Matt Ward does not approve.]]]]
When Tempest came out, it immediately forgot that Guilliman's supposed to be just as heavily flawed as the other Primarchs, in Tempest Guilliman is "a paragon among the Emperor's sons", and that he "is as much a statesman as he is an indefatigable warrior." He's also as just as great a strategist, in addition to being the most level-headed, the quickest to react, the smartest and the most analytical, constantly basing new and better designs off of existing materials, as well as refining battle plans thanks to having a mind that calmly and coldly allows him to analyze everything around him and wonder how various things like his marines, his armour and his weapons could all be improved. He observes what other Primarchs do with their warriors makes them better in his own creations, in doing so (specifically copying Perturabo's Siege Tyrants in the rules) they say he's "proving himself once again the master of all of the myriad disciplines of war." This is further evidenced by his rules below where he's the best Primarch at buffing his army, while as a warrior in a straight-up fight he only loses to Horus and Fulgrim''(not counting [[Lorgar|psychic interference]] or Primarchs with a [[Angron|bit of momentum behind them]])''.

In addition Guilliman's Ultramarines during the Horus Heresy were the most disciplined of all the Space Marines (wrong, as Unremembered Empire pointed out the 1st where more disciplined) as well as the most numerous, the ones who prized intelligence above all to help them formulate the best battle plan, and with the best training/recruitment (also wrong the 1st Legion had Luther who reduced training time for a marine to just 5 years.), not to mention being familiar with the other legions MO's and able to pull them off without any problems which had a lot to do with their rigid chain of command (again this is nonsense, as the raven guard and alpha Legion's M.O.'s where never even attempted by the Ultramarines nor the way that the Vlka Fenris a fought war. If they where capable of that feat they wouldn't have been behind other legions on victories). This goes on to the point that they were considered the biggest threat (before Isstvan) and the book outright states that if the Ultramarines were aware of Horus' rebellion they and their Auxilia would be able to make [[Ultramar|the 500 worlds]] a bastion that by itself, would be able to weather the entire heresy and challenge [[Horus]] for control of the eastern half of the Galaxy. [[Matt Ward|I guess the Imperial Fists, White Scars, and Blood Angels on Terra didn't really try hard enough.]] But to be fair the size of the Legion at the time is nothing new since the Ultramarines have always been described as the Legion with the most recruits and the least casualties long before the Wardian plague begins.

A more generous explanation could be that since the books were written after the Heresy in-universe, it could just be a case of "history is written by the winners" kicking in again, since (rather thankfully) "Everything is canon, not everything is true." Or maybe Matt was secretly brought back for that particular book, which would go quite a long way in explaining all of the Smurf wanking in it. It's likely we'll have to wait until the follow-up book on the Shadow Crusade to determine which of those it is. This doesn't entirely go against 40k's history however, while saying the smurfs and their auxiliaries could take on all of the traitor legions at full strength is undoubtedly complete horseshit, Ultramar was ''always'' considered to have been one of the greatest threats to Horus' rebellion and was the prime reason that the Battle of Calth took place; to get them all in one place and hit them with a surprise attack, and then pin the Ultramarines in place for the duration of the Heresy. The same applies to Guilliman, who has always been considered to have been one of the most intelligent and adaptable of Primarchs, as well as being gifted with his own brilliance.

Thankfully he still retains at least one flaw, that being he has no creative spark. He made Perturabo's Terminators better, but he'd never have made them on his own. He made his own versions of power weapons that were far better than regular power weapons as they were more precise/lethal when in trained hands, yet he could only do that after studying countless designs of regular power weapons. Even his own armour is artificer armour that he improved in ways heavily influenced by what Vulkan and Perturabo have made.

Well, two flaws actually. His assumption that his and therefore Ultramarine nobility and camaraderie will rub off on to other, less forward thinking legions was a direct contributor to his massive losses at the utterly disastrous Battle of Calth. His belief that the Word Bearers and their Militias could be best bros to his troops if only they spent more time, more closely together helped Lorgar's sons be in just the right position to inflict devastating casualties on the XIIIth from the moment of betrayal. Lets be clear, 100,000 Ultramarines were dead (not casualties, but dead) 12 hours after the battle began and by the end of the surface conflict 145,000 of his sons were killed or permanently combat non-effectives. Considering the total Legion strength prior to the slaughter was 250,000, Calth cost the Ultramarines c.60% of their strength and all for the bargain basement cost of 50,000 Word Bearers, though it's worthy of note that the casualty ratios between the two legions were actually pretty similar, as the Word Bearers were at about 125,000 by Calth. Considering that a force with superior wargear (that the Warmaster made sure his traitors had) striking from ambush against a force that's out of position, deliberately striking at the Ultramarine's command structure, something they're quite weak to, with ALL THOSE ADVANTAGES, they only got a 3 to 1 casualty ratio. Though he did still lose 160,000 marines, it is perhaps no surprise that Imperial history records that Guilliman completely lost his temper and cool at Lorgar when the treachery was realized (insert max troll face here), perhaps this was what allowed him to survive immediately afterwards in the hard vacuum of space for 11 hours without his helmet?

On the other side (and that is a good point) Guilliman and the Ultramarines are not as "noblebright" in ''Tempest'' as they can be in other pieces of background. While he promotes meritocracy and progress and refuses to waste any life, Roboute is always described as cold and logical, obsessed with efficiency, and not a kind of crusading philanthropist. FW's Guilliman is first and foremost a statesman and a warlord willing to make the most effective system possible, and ''Tempest'' implies he used a kind of political police of his own (the Vigil Opertii) to silence any opposition in Ultramar. Just like the Imperium does. The only difference with the other Primarchs is Guilliman cannot deny HE is responsible for all the [[1984|authoritarian shit]] happening in HIS private empire. Feel free to think what you want about Guilliman being OP or a Mary Sue, FW still made him more grimdark than before, even if he remains a nice dude by 30k standards.

==Gameplay==

===30K Guilliman===
{| border="1" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="5" align="left"
! || Pts || WS || BS || S || T || W || I || A || Ld || Sv
|-
| '''Roboute Guilliman:''' || 400 || 7 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 4+1 || 10 || 2+/4++
|}<br style="clear: both; height: 0px;" /><br>
True to his legion, Roboute Guilliman is fairly average as far as Primarchs go, both in terms of his stats and his points cost, but it's the rules and equipment you really want him for. He and any unit he joins can re-roll failed charge distances, and the Concussive special rule doesn't do shit against him. All Ultramarines in play gain +1 to Ld while he's in play and he also makes Invictarus Suzerains and Legion Terminators troops as long as he's the warlord. Preternatural Strategy can force opponents to re-roll successful attempts at Seize the Initiative while also granting all units from one entry in the Ultramarines army list Implacable Advance, Interceptor, or Tank Hunters if they don't have it already, and by that they do mean entry, not just one unit, so if you selected Legion Predator Strike Armour Squadron to have Tank Hunters then every Legion Predator Strike Armour Squadron in your army will gain the rule. It also buffs his WS by 1 for each round of combat within a challenge after the first one (e.g. he becomes WS8 on the second round and so on), although it resets back to 7 after the challenge is over or if his opponent swaps out for somebody else via something like Glorius Intervention. Finally, Unyielding Will negates all negative leadership modifiers and allows him to re-roll failed Deny the Witch tests. (Funnily enough, this actually makes him a decent counter for Lorgar's psychic faggotry, though it won't help him deny Lorgars' blessings.)

Guilliman's Armor of Reason gives him a 2+/4++ and the ability to re-roll the first invulnerable save he fails in each phase. (Not per turn, per phase.). As for his weapons, he can choose one of two melee weapons to use in any given assault phase: the Gladius Incandor (a Paragon Blade with Shred) and the Hand of Dominion (a S10 AP1 Power Fist with Concussion). Both of them are Specialist weapons, so regardless of which one he picks he still gets an extra attack. Finally, his gun is the Arbitrator, a S6 AP3 combi-bolter with Assault 2 and Rending- which he might as well have left at home for how often it fires it as he has a Cognis Signum to use instead (+1 BS to a unit instead of firing a weapon himself). Overall, he gives out a nice variety of buffs and can really hold his own in a fight while being one of the best tactician character in the game.

Don't forget, this is all for only 125 points more than [[Marneus Calgar|M.A.C. daddy]], further proof of 30k superiority.

==Roboute Guilliman (30K) VS other Primarchs:==
<div class="toccolours mw-collapsible mw-collapsed" style="100%">
Primarch fighting, while fun to see, isn't a very competitive thing to do as it'll usually tie up both Primarchs for the entire game without either of them dying. With that in mind this section is all about how Roboute Guilliman fares against other Primarchs mathammer wise. Please note that all the various abilities, with the exception of Blind, are taken into account (Blind is ignored because it is just too random and unreliable to come into play) and the match-ups assume the Primarchs are the only ones involved in the fighting, so various abilities like Angron's "The Butcher's Nails" and Rampage do not provide any bonuses. Also do note that Preternatural Strategy is taken into account (obviously) so prepare to see even more mathhammer than for the other Primarchs.
<div class="mw-collapsible-content">

* Roboute Guilliman VS Horus
**Horus will use his Talon of Horus (rerollable 3+ is better than flat 2+, and Disabling Strike can counter the slow-burn effect of Preternatural Strategy) and hits 4 times, wounds 3.555 times, 1.778 after saves, then 1.564 for the Armour of Reason and IWND will take that down to 1.231 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Guilliman hits 2.5 times, wounds 2.222 times (Gladius), 0.74 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.407.
**Guilliman loses this fight (Quite appropriately).
**Note: Due to the nature of the fight this match doesn't take into account Preternatural Strategy (Because it is balanced by Disabling Strike). Also do note that after the first few wounds inflicted from Horus, Guilliman will have his WS and S significantly reduced, making it even easier for Horus to win.

* Roboute Guilliman VS Angron
**Angron Round 1: Angron has Hatred, so on the first turn he will hits 5.333 times, wounds 4.444 times, 2.222 after saves, 2.008 after Armour of Reason re-roll and IWND take it down to 1.675.
**Angron Round 2: Angron hits 4 times, wounds 3.333 times, 1.667 times after saves, 1.453 after re-roll and IWND will take that down to 1.12 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Angron Round 3 and thereafter: Angron hits 3 times, wounds 2.5 times, 1.25 after saves and 1.036 after the re-roll. Then IWND take it down to 0.703.
**Guilliman Round 1/2/3: hits 2.5 times, wounds 2.222 times, 0.926 times after saves and FNP, and IWND will take that down to 0.59 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Guilliman Round 4 and thereafter: hits 3.333 times, wounds 2.963 times, 1.234 times after saves and FNP, and IWND will take that down to 0.9 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Unsurprisingly, Guilliman loses this fight in 6 rounds, dying directly before he's able to kill Angron as even though he has an extra wound on Angron, he takes too much damage.

* Roboute Guilliman VS Fulgrim
**Fulgrim Round 1: hits 4.861 times (Fireblade is MC), wounds 3.601 times (Child of Terra Warlord Trait), 1.801 times after the Invuln, 1.582 after the Armour of Reason and IWND will take that down to 1.249 at the start of the next turn.
**Fulgrim Round 2 and thereafter: hits 3.714 times, wounds 2.889 times, 1.445 times after the Invuln, 1.226 after the re-roll and IWND will take that down to 0.893 at the start of the next turn.
**Concussed Fulgrim (cannot happen earlier than round 3): Hits 2.708 times, wounds 2.106 times, 1.053 times after the invuln, 0.845 after the re-roll and IWND will take that down to 0.56 wounds.
**Guilliman with Gladius Incandor Round 1/2: hits 2.5 times, wounds 2.222 times, 0.74 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.407 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Guilliman with Gladius Incandor Round 3 and thereafter: hits 3.333 times, wounds 2.963 times, 0.988 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.654 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Guilliman with Hand of Dominion Round 1/2: hits 2.5 times, wounds 2.083 times, 0.694 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.361 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Guilliman with Hand of Dominion Round 3 and thereafter: hits 3.333 times, wounds 2.777 times, 0.926 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.593 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**An unsurprising loss for Guilliman. If Guilliman chooses to use the Gladius Incandor, Fulgrim will out-damage him in the long run, and if he chooses to concuss Fulgrim, Fulgrim temporarily loses his extra attacks, but Guilliman cannot put out enough damage to keep Fulgrim concussed, meaning Fulgrim gets back up to his normal initiative, gains his extra attacks back, and beats down Guilliman.

* Roboute Guilliman VS Mortarion
**Mortarion hits 2.5 times, wounds 1.666, 0,833 after saves, 0.625 wounds after Armor of Reason, and after IWND it becomes 0.292 wounds.
**Guilliman Round 1: hits 2.5 times, wounds 2.083 times, 1.042 after saves, and IWND take it down to 0.486.
**Guilliman Round 2 and after: hits 3.333 times, wounds 2.777 times, 1.388 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.833.
**Easy win for Guilliman.

* Roboute Guilliman VS Ferrus
**Ferrus: hits 2.5 times (Forgebreaker and Servo-Harm), wounds 2.083 times, 1.042 after the Invuln, 0.834 times after the re-roll and IWND will take that down to 0.501 at the start of the next turn.
**Guilliman Round 1: hits 2.5 times, wounds 2.083 times (Hand), 0.694 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.361 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Guilliman Round 2 and thereafter: hits 3.333 times, wounds 2.778 times, 0.926 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.593 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Guilliman wins this fight.

* Roboute Guilliman VS Konrad Curze
**Curze Round 1: hits 4 times, wounds 3 times, 1.5 times after the Invuln, 1.286 times after the re-roll and IWND will take that down to 0.953 at the start of the next turn.
**Curze Round 2 and thereafter: hits 3 times, wounds 2.25 times, 1.125 times after the Invuln, 0.911 times after the re-roll and IWND will take that down to 0.578 at the start of the next turn
**Guilliman Round 1/2: hits 2.5 times, wounds 2.222 times, 1.111 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.778 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Guilliman Round 3 and thereafter: hits 3.333 times, wounds 2.963 times, 1.481 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 1.148 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Guilliman easily wins this fight.
**Note: Konrad could attempt to even the odds with Hit and Run, negating Preternatural Strategy while gaining the +1 attack for the charge (and sniping some wounds with his knives), but so long as Guilliman uses his power fist by the second round of combat Curze will be locked to initiative 1 and will be dead before it's guaranteed he'll be able to leave combat.

* Roboute Guilliman VS Vulkan
**Vulkan hits 2 times, wounds 1.667 times, 0.833 times after saves, 0.633 times after Armour of Reason and IWND will take that down to 0.3.
**Guilliman Round 1: hits 2.5 times, wounds 2.083 times, 0.694 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.139 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Guilliman Round 2 and thereafter: hits 3.333 times, wounds 2.778 times, 0.926 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.37 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**A long as fuck fight, but Guilliman takes the win 'cause he does marginally more damage.

* Roboute Guilliman VS Lorgar
**Lorgar hits 2.5 times, wounds 2.083 times, 1.042 times after the Invuln, 0.834 after the re-roll and IWND will take that down to 0.501.
**Guilliman Round 1: hits 2.778 times, wounds 1.85 times, 0.926 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.593 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Guilliman Round 2 and thereafter: hits 3.333 times, wounds 2.963 times, 1.48 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 1.15 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Even with forcing Guilliman to re-roll 5's and 6's for the first round Lorgar will still lose.
**Note: this doesn't take into account Psychic Powers and with Precognition on Lorgar will easily win. Guilliman's rerollable DtW doesn't do shit, as it only works against witchfires and maledictions, while Lorgar's most powerful spells are blessings.

*Roboute Guilliman VS Perturabo
**Perturabo Round 1: hits 2.667 times, wounds 2.222 times, 1.111 times after the Invuln, 0.911 times after the re-roll and IWND will take that down to 0.578.
**Perturabo Round 2 and thereafter: hits 2 times, wounds 1.667 times, 0.833 times after the Invuln, 0.633 after Armour of Reason and IWND will take that down to 0.3.
**Guilliman Round 1/2: hits 2.5 times, wounds 2.222 times, 0.74 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.407 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Guilliman Round 3 and thereafter: hits 3.333 times, wounds 2.963 times, 0.988 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.654 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Again, Guilliman wins pretty safely. Starting to see a trend here.

* Roboute Guilliman VS Alpharius
**Alpharius hits 2.917 times and wounds 1.702 times (Remember he has Preferred Enemy), 0.851 wounds after the Invuln, 0.643 after Armour of Reason and IWND will take that down to 0.31 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Guilliman Round 1: hits 2.5 times, wounds 2.222 times, 1.111 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.778 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Guilliman Round 2 and thereafter: hits 3.333 times, wounds 2.963 times, 1.482 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 1.148 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Guilliman wins really easily, as the damage Alpharius does is almost irrelevant, thus making the claim that he personally killed the lord of the Alpha Legion actually believable...

* Roboute Guilliman VS Rogal Dorn
**Dorn Round 1: hits 2.666 times, wounds 2 times, 1 time after the Invuln, 0.8 wounds after the re-roll and IWND will take that down to 0.467 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Dorn Round 2 and thereafter: hits 2 times, wounds 1.5 times, 0.75 wounds after the Invuln, 0.55 after the re-roll and IWND will take that down to 0.217 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Guilliman Round 1/2: hits 2.5 times, wounds 2.222 times, 1.111 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.778 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Guilliman Round 3 and thereafter: hits 3.333 times, wounds 2.963 times, 1.482 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 1.148 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Guilliman easily wins this fight, taking a lot less damage and dishing out more.
**Note: Dorn doesn't use Sundering Blow because he would actually cause less damage with it.

* Roboute Guilliman VS Corvus Corax
**Corvus hits 4 times (Scourge)/3 times (Shadow-walk), wounds 3 times (Scourge)/2.25 times (Shadow-walk), causing 1.5 wounds (Scourge)/1.125 wounds (Shadow-walk) after the Invuln which drop down to 1.286 (Scourge)/0.911 (Shadow-walk) and IWND will take that down to 0.953 (Scourge)/0.578 (Shadow-walk) wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Guilliman Round 1: 2.5/1.666 times, wounds 2.0833/1.389 times, 1.389/0.926 wounds after saves and 1.055/0.593 wounds after IWND.
**Guilliman Round 2 and thereafter: hits 3.333/2.5 times, wounds 2.963/2.083 times, 1.975/1.389 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 1.642/1.055 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Guilliman easily wins this fight
**Note: Like Curze, Corax could try to use Hit and Run to even the odds, having even more bonus than Curze thanks to his uber-Furious Charge, but unlike Curze it wouldn't work for too long as the second time they fight (whether Corax charges or Guilliman catches him) Guilliman will have him concussed (He's using his fist for a reason) for the rest of the fight and will kill him before Corax can escape again, thus making the strategy not viable against Papa Smurf.

* Roboute Guilliman vs. Leman Russ
** Leman Round 1 & 2 (using the Axe of Helwinter): Hits 4.886 times, wounds 4.071 times, 2.035 after the Invuln, 1.817 after the re-roll with IWND taking that down to 1.484 at the start of the next turn.
** Leman Round 3 and on (using the Axe of Helwinter): Hits 3.719 times, wounds 3.099 times, 1.55 after the Invuln, 1.331 after the re-roll with IWND taking that down to 0.998 at the start of the next turn.
** Roboute Round 1 and Round 4+ (using the Hand of Dominion): Hits 1.667 times, wounds 1.389 times, 0.695 wounds after saves, and IWND will take that down to 0.362 wounds at the start of the next turn.
** Roboute Round 2 & 3: Hits 0.833, wounds 0.694 times, 0.3472 wounds after saves, and IWND will take that down to 0.014 wounds at the start of the next turn.
** Result: It's not even a challenge. Leman Russ kills Rowboat Girlyman almost effortlessly. What do you expect from trying to go up against The Emperor's Executioner(of primarchs). That furry fucker was designed from the ground up to kill every primarch in the entire game.

* TL;DR version: Surprisingly, despite being one the best army buffers amongst Primarchs and his generally not outstanding (for a Primarch) stats, Guilliman is actually a beast in 1 on 1 fights if they drag on long enough, beating all but the most specialised Primarchs and mathematically losing only to Horus, Angron, Fulgrim and Leman Russ. Truth is that he's very well balanced with a choice of good weapons for offense, a decent defense and an extra ability that benefits both. He loses when his more balls out brothers just dump damage on him but when he has the chance to let his strategy impact the fight he'll typically win. He'll likely fall down the rankings some more when Sanguinius and the Lion step onto the field but with his army buffs he'll remain a great choice.
</div></div>

==40K Guilliman==
[[Matt Ward]].
[[Image:GUILLIMAN2017.jpg|400px|thumb|right|[[Matt Ward]] is having an orgasm right now... as are many [[Ultramarines]] players. If you look closely at his base, you can see the only new plastic Chaos Space Marine model GW's will release for the next ten years.]]
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoLs0V8T5AA ''We can rebuild him. We have the technology...'']

''"Why do I still live? What more do you want from me? I gave everything I had to you, to them. Look what they have made of our dream. This bloated, rotten carcass of an empire is driven not by reason and hope, but by fear, hate and ignorance. Better that we had all burned in the fire of Horus' ambition than lived to see this."'' <br>
― Guilliman is back, and he wants to know what the fuck went so wrong with the Imperium.

But as for now, the hot topic is that HE'S BACK, in plastic, and a part of a "Triumvirate" of sorts with him, Cypher, and a Grey Knight Grand Master named Vorlus. The miniature itself looks somewhat cartoony, and has new armour courtesy of [[Belisarius Cawl]], a Power Fist with a built-in version of his old Bolter (seems Cawl couldn't spring for the Ad-Mech's good stuff), a life support system, and the option of a rather awesome helmet for maximum head protection. Bonus points as he is also carrying the Blazing Sword, officially stated to be one of The Big E's weapons. Regardless, the general trend is that he looks really good. Yes, we're still talking about Guilliman. The only real complaint people have is how splay legged he is and how he looks like a Thousand Son with omegas.

Also, the GW community site seems to imply that you can change his two heads on the fly, meaning you can possibly paint and use both of them without committing to either one.

Strangely, the Chaos Gods aren't fazed or angry he's back; if anything they seem to view him as an opportunity. Slaanesh wants to corrupt him, Nurgle wants him as a plaything, Khorne wants his skull, and Tzeentch <s>wants to manipulate</s> is already trying to manipulate him.

{| border="1" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="5" align="left"
! || Pts || WS || BS || S || T || W || I || A || Ld || Sv
|-
| '''Roboute Guilliman:''' || [[Rape|350]] || 9 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 10 || 2+/3++
|}<br style="clear: both; height: 0px;" /><br>
He has the almost same statline he has in 30k with a significant buff to his weapon skill and a slightly smaller one to his attacks, but his special rules and wargear are slightly different.
*He loses:
**''It Will Not Die''
**'''Type: Infantry (Character)''' (see below).
***Accordingly, he also loses ''Independent Character''.
**''Master of the Legion'', as this is a 30k-only rule.
*He keeps:
**''Adamantium Will''
**''Eternal Warrior''
**''Fear''
**''Fearless''
**''Fleet''
**''Precision Shots''
**''Precision Strikes''
*He gains:
**'''Type: Monstrous Creature (Character)''', hence he ''also'' gains:
***''Hammer of Wrath''
***''Move Through Cover''
***''Relentless''
***''Smash''
**''Feel No Pain''
**''Preferred Enemy (Chaos)'' (CSM, CD, KDK)
*If he's the Warlord, he has all six Command traits applied to him at once, rather than rolling for a single WT. As a recap, they are:
**Friendly units within 12" of Guilliman can use his Leadership (10) rather than their own.
**Enemy units within 12" of Guilliman must use their lowest Leadership value, not the highest.
**Guilliman, and all friendly units within 12", have the Move Through Cover special rule.
**Guilliman, and all friendly units within 12", add 1" to the distance that they can move when they Run or Charge.
**In the Shooting phase, Guilliman and all friendly units within 12" of him re-roll To Hit rolls of 1.
**In the Assault phase, Guilliman and all friendly units within 12" of him re-roll To Hit rolls of 1.

His unique rules are as follows; All Armies of the Imperium can re-roll all failed morale, pinning, and fear tests. Then, he grants all Ultramarines the ability to re-use all Doctrines, and finally his leadership is not subject to any negative modifiers of any kind (no Terrify Telepathy Powers, no Lictor debuffs) along with re-rolling failed Deny the Witch tests.

Guilliman's Armor of Fate gives him a 2+/3++. The improved invulnerable save is nice, but the gimmick is that Guilliman can [[Commissar Yarrick|come back from the dead]]...half the time, with D3 wounds restored. THE EMPEROR'S FLAMING SWORD is the freaking '''MURDERSWORD''' to end them all. He attacks at S10 AP1 (but rule-wise uses both Hand of Dominion and The Emperor's Sword in the same profile, so yeah, Avatar will totally kick his ass) with Armourbane, Concussive, and Soul Blaze. The sword's 2 unique rules are ''The Emperor's Touch'': if Guilliman rolls a 6 to hit it becomes a Destroyer attack, and ''Whirling Flame'': he can sacrifice 6 attacks to hit every enemy model within 1" of him. His relic Power Fist (cannot be used separately) '''Hand of Dominion''' comes with the underslung Arbitrator, which is stronger than the 30k variant. It's now 24" S6 AP2 Heavy 3 (made irrelevant by Relentless), and Rending. - you don't bring him because of his dakka, you bring him for his special rules support.

In all, he's a bit of a mix between Marneus Calgar and Saint Celestine in that he gives your army a decent strategic edge with army-wide Ld re-rolls, Warlord traits, and the potential to revive himself. He's also the best non-Forgeworld/Superheavy melee fighter the Imperium has right now. Do not send him up against the Avatar of Khaine though, since Soul Blaze will nullify all of his attacks. .

On the downside he no longer can hide in squads or use non-superheavy transports, which severely limits his mobility and survivability compared to his 30k version. D-strength is particularly nasty because of his inability to hide, doubly so since there's much more D on the table in 40k (it's good for Guilly he's allied with the [[Eldar|guys who have it flying out of their asses]]).

Fortunately GW went out of there way to remedy this obvious weakness. A new formation created for the new Ultramarines detachment called the Victrix Guard allow for the models in the unit to LOS to Guilliman if he is in the formation. So this will give Guilliman plenty of staying power.

All this for 50 points less than 30k Guilliman, proof of 40k supremacy.

{{Primarchs}}

[[Category:Imperial]]

Pyrovore

2016-11-14T02:13:54Z

2601:246:8200:D4:85C1:2368:3B:BD0B: /* Why are they so bad? */

{{Fail}}
[[Image:Pyrovore.jpg|right|thumb|350px|Oh god, the horror...]]

'''Pyrovores''' are a [[Tyranid]] unit widely considered to be the worst unit in all of [[Warhammer 40,000]]. Introduced in [[Warhammer 40,000 5th Edition|5th Edition]], they were representative of [[Robin Cruddace]]'s awful, '''awful''' Tyranids codex, in which at least half of the units had absolutely no idea what they're supposed to be doing or were so abysmally awful at what they ''were'' supposed to be doing that no one ever took them.

And then [[Warhammer 40,000 6th Edition|the 6th edition book]] came out, and, somehow, Pyrovores got even ''worse.''

==Fluff==
Pyrovores are living fuel refineries for the Hive Fleet. They gain said fuel by eating. They can pretty much eat anything, from organics to inorganic material like rocks or metal, which they're able to digest thanks to the corrosive acids inside their stomachs, which explode if they get bumped too hard. Or, if you enjoy the taste of brain bleach, they're [[Biovore|giant walking prematurely-ejaculating penises with fire instead of spunk]].

A Pyrovore has two brains, one for that lumbering hunk of fail that eats like an obese kid, and another for the giant flamespurt cannon on its back. This allows the Pyrovore to devour everything like a neckbeard eating [[meatbread]] while the cannon keeps watch. The funny thing about this is that its [[Derp|cannon is much smarter than the beast itself]]; the Pyrovore is only driven by its need to eat while the cannon's smart enough to target enemies on its own. This might very well explain why the Pyrovore's terrible in melee combat.

Why the Hive Fleet thought it was a good idea to put a derp-grade brain into a beast that needs a modicum of intelligence to handle itself in combat, especially given its ability to explode, while putting the smart brain on a gun, which really isn't that powerful compared to the other races, and make them incapable of working together, begs the question: [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIjipFoAd_s why?].

==How Bad Is it?==
[[File:Sad_Pyrovore.png|300px|thumb|left|If only they worked this way...]]
Pyrovores are '''worse''' than Old One Eye, a [[DISTRACTION CARNIFEX]] special character in a codex that '''hates''' DISTRACTION CARNIFEXES, who is renowned for costing MORE than a [[Land Raider]] and dying to a stiff breeze... but at least he has a general idea of what the fuck he's supposed to be doing and would be tolerable if he was cheaper.

Pyrovores are '''worse''' than [[Chaos Spawn|Chaos Sp... uh, that one Chaos unit that was terrible in 5th ed]]... but they got a proper [[Phil Kelly]]-granted buff in the newest Chaos Space Marine codex, and before that they could occasionally win assaults in large area terrain.

Pyrovores are '''worse''' than [[Dark Eldar|Mandrakes]], the worst infiltrators in the game... yet at least Mandrakes have [[Phil Kelly|better fluff]] and don't need a pain token to shoot anymore. They also traded a 5+ invul for Stealth and Shrouded, and combined with a significant decrease in points they're viable now.

Pyrovores are '''worse''' than [[Flayed Ones]], who are weak "assault specialists"... though they had cool, grimdark fluff and passable crunch prior to the 5th edition Necron codex, they don't harm their side when they die and there's a chance that they can come back via Reanimation Protocols and be used to contest objectives or support assaults. As of the 7th edition codex, with Shred, AP5 in CC, fear combined with a significant decrease in points they're viable now.

Pyrovores are [[Fail|'''worse''']] than [[Tau|Fire Warriors]] in melee, who are unceremoniously chopped up in seconds... but at least that's funny, things have gone ''wrong'' when squads assault Firewarriors, they can do that [[Warhammer 40,000 6th edition|"Overwatch + Markerlights + other squads nearby can Overwatch for them + Markerlights"]], and can kill Land Raiders in melee with Haywire Grenades.

Pyrovores are so bad that fluff writers try to forget that they even exist. In fact they appear only in one BL book ([[Ciaphas Cain|The Last Ditch]]) and they are as terrible there as on tabletop. Cain actually obliterates majority of incoming tyranid horde by shooting a few pyrovores, [[Fail|the resulting explosion wiping out most of the tyranid attack, including the Hive Tyrant and his guards]]. They're even being mocked by in-universe characters as terrible; which we choose to take as further proof of Sandy Mitchell's awesomeness by taking the now memetic godawfulness of the Pyrovore and making it ''canon.''

Pyrovores are so terrible that why they are even a thing remains a point of debate because holy shit who in their right mind would think that this... this... thing... was a good idea? It serves no conceivable purpose and there are much better platforms for a flamethrower in the Tyranid bestiary than the body of an indirect fire mortar carrier never intended to even get in visible fucking range of the god damn enemy. I mean fuck, there's even one in the same motherfucking Codex, all you'd need to do for the Tyrannofex is light its acid spray on fire and then BAM! You have a flamer on a non-shitty platform. Or Warriors or something, because they're basically crapsack Terminators and Terminators get a Heavy Flamer! Or just anything!

==Why are they so bad?==
The biggest problem comes down to the fact they're in the [[Space Wolves|Elites]] slot, which is ''easily'' the most jam-packed slot in Tyranids. They're competing with '''[[Hive Guard]]''' (who are good at taking down transports and one of the best shooting units in the 'Dex), '''[[Zoanthrope]]s''' and their brood leaders '''[[Neurothrope]]s''' (incredibly powerful [[psyker]]s that can throw down an ABSURD amount of mental [[dakka]] each turn), '''[[Venomthrope]]s''' (an excellent support unit that provides mobile cover, defensive grenades, and hilarious 2+ Poisoned attacks), '''[[Malanthrope]]s''' (quite powerful in their own right but [[Forge World]] only), '''[[Lictor]]s''' (who while not being particularly good can at least claim their ability to not have Deep Strikers who land within 6" of them scatter), '''[[Haruspex]]es''' (while not particularly good are at least competent enough) and '''[[Maleceptor]]s''' (who... well alright, they're pretty shitty but not as bad as Pyrovores).

Additionally, they have one of the most schizophrenic loadouts in the game. It can ignore armor saves (and hit at S5) by dropping its attack stat to 1... but with only one attack per model, and the rest of their stats make them absolutely ''awful'' in close combat, including I2 and WS3. They're too slow to keep up with an assault-based army (and largely pointless there anyway since once the rest of your army gets in close, there's nothing left to flame), and in a shooting army they compete with Hive Guard (which are basically the only way 'Nids can take down light vehicles efficiently). Their Flamespurt ability is AP 4, meaning you can't take out [[MEQ]] with it. They can explode, which could see them used as a suicide unit... except that affects ''your'' (pitifully weak, vulnerable to AoE explosions) units as well. Plus it's only when Instant Death is inflicted, which means melta or krak missiles... but it dies much easier to massed bolter shots. On top of that, good luck just getting the damn thing in close enough to actually have it affected. Not to mention that wasting an extremely valuable Elite slot on a (expensive for) suicide unit is just stupid.

It is in fact so incredibly shitty that the wording of its exploding ability is so poorly written that when the rules are applied exactly as written, whenever one suffers Instant Death, ALL UNITS ON THE BOARD suffer a number of hits equal to all non-Pyrovores within D6" of it. This means that the Pyrovore is so bad its abject shittyness transcended its rules and altered the minds of its writers to make it even worse. Exact text:

"Volatile: If a Pyrovore is slain by a Wound that inflicted Instant Death, every unit suffers a Strength 3 AP- hit for each model (excluding Pyrovores) within D6" of the slain Pyrovore (resolve damage before removing the Pyrovore as a casualty)."

What they wanted to write was that each model within D6" suffers a S3 AP- hit. Meaning that for a squad of 10 Guardsmen next to the Pyrovore, they suffer 10 hits. What they instead wrote means that ''every unit on the board'' suffers 10 hits. Theoretically hilarious if you had a way to detonate it intentionally and brought nothing but T6 - but you don't.

So, all in all, the worst fucking unit in the game. Completely pointless, no idea where it wants to be, competes with '''good''' units (units that are basically compulsory if you want Tyranids to win). The other thing is that it has '''never''' been good: it was bad in the previous Codex (where it debuted) and it is bad in the current one. Countless ideas are thrown about to unfuck the unit, (you can almost see how it's suppose to work: Tyranids have trouble dealing with things in cover, and this thing is made to deal with things in cover -- so perhaps if they were beasts, had higher WS, BS, and Initiative and were allowed to fire the flamespurt in close combat like a [[lizardmen|stegadon?]]) but the cocksucking piece of shit is fundamentally contrary to the basis of the entire army. To make it fit homebrewers have pretty much had to make the pile of fail unrecognizable from its origins. It is that bad.

==Or is it?!==

[[Image:Tyrannocyte.jpg|right|thumb|200px|YOU'RE NOTHING WITHOUT ME!]]
With the return of our beautiful Mycetic Spore (now called the Tyranocyte) in the Leviathan Supplement, Pyrovores now actually stand a chance in filling a niche (as very specific niche but a niche nonetheless!) in your army as an effective stealth and shrouded eradicator!

"But wait PyrovorefanXX1" You ask, "Pyrovores could do this in the old codex but were still classified as cess, what's changed now"? Well firstly, Pyrovores did get buffed! They went down 5 points, gained an extra wound (acid blood yay), initiative, attack and Acid Maw and Volatile did realistically get better if you do the math. However their form of accurate deepstike got lost forcing them to trudge across the board and retain the reputation they had.

But now that they have that deep strike option back combined with their 6th ed improvements, paying 220 points isn't that bad for 9 wounds worth of reasonably durable heavy flamers (which people will hesitate to try and ID that close to their troops) backed up with an effective gun platform in the Tyranocyte. With the default pressure from very common standard stuff like flying Hive Tyrants, Mawlocs, more Tyranocytes filled with Devilgaunts or other Monstrous Creatures, they stand a very high chance of being left alone to wreak havoc multiple turns.

But in saying that they really can't do much without the Tyranocyte, so those games you would rather have your Tervigon getting all intimate with some tanks because your opponent lacks infantry basically leaves your Pyrovores on fat, lazy, old guard dog duty for some objective in the middle of the board.

==Additional Saving Grace==
[[Image:Biovore.jpg|right|thumb|350px|Oh god, the [[derp]]...]]
They look almost identical to Biovores (a unit that is a cheap source of assault pie plates that can also be used as a barrage, and has one of the derpiest faces around), but they have a much newer, much less [[derp]]y model (although their gun does look strangely like an [[Slipshine|erect throbbing penis]]). As such, pretty much everybody buys the Pyrovore models and uses them as [[Biovore|Biovores]]. But this has the possible side effect of convincing GW that the Pyrovore is actually good...

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