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Reiver

2020-02-29T23:07:50Z

2601:280:5B7F:85C4:2CE3:624:59D1:C36B:

[[File:99120101186_SpaceMarineRievers01.jpg|290px|right|thumb|We have [[Sly Marbo]] Marines now! Piss yourself Chaos scum!]]
{{topquote|All Space Marines are experts of the rapid strike, but Reivers take these skills to the next level. They are specially trained and equipped to launch brutally effective and unexpected assaults. They do this with a sudden fury and shocking violence, for the Reivers fulfil the role of terror troops that sow fear and confusion amongst their foes.|Games Workshop}}
{{topquote|Boo|A Reiver}}

Our [[Primaris Marines|Super Super Marines]] have [[Catachan Jungle Fighters]] [[FATAL|in power armor now.]] A '''Reiver''' (named after 16th Century English-Scottish border raider clans), who is usually part of a Reiver Squad, is a new type of combat specialist unique to formations of Primaris Space Marines who is tasked for rapid infiltration and lightning assaults. Where the [[Intercessor|Intercessors]] are the defensive battle line heavy infantry of the Primaris Astartes, the Reivers are elite assault specialists given special training and wargear. The [[Raven Guard]] and [[White Scars]] are known to favor their use to supplement their own fast attack doctrines.

The Reiver squad is armed with over-sized combat knives glimmering with disruption fields, heavy bolt pistols that are more effective against armor, and "shock grenades" that prevent opponents from firing on them in overwatch and penalizing their hit rolls. Their helms are death’s heads, with their left pauldrons enlarged to provide better protection in melee.

Their [[Power_Armour#Mark_X:_Reiver.2FPhobos_Armour|armor]] is stripped down to be eerily silent, adapted for stealth work (and they watch veeery carefully for twigs). Reivers are a specialized infiltration and close-combat unit. Essentially, they are Primaris [[Reasonable Marines]]. They are also totally not Night Lords, even though they wear skull helmets, are used to "terrorize" enemy units, and have a bad habit of leaving enemies flayed and out in the open—this is represented by reducing opponents' Ld by 1 simply by being 3" away, stacking up to Ld-3 if multiple units are in range.

And another interesting tidbit. The skull helmets apparently incorporate weaponized loudspeakers (Possibly [[Blood Ravens|'graciously gifted']] by the [[Howling Banshees]] during Cawl's time with the Ynnari). Reivers "disrupt the hearing of the enemy with vox-amplified war cries and audio-sonic weaponry", which assumes both that combat is happening in atmosphere and that the enemy is capable of hearing/didn't bring ear protection, but what can you do.

==Equipment==
Reivers are all equipped with heavy bolt pistols, handheld and deadly versions of the bolt rifle, with many also wielding a long-bladed combat knife. Reivers can also stun enemy infantry with shock grenades or deploy deep behind hostile lines via grapnel launchers or grav-chutes. Reivers can swap their shock grenades with frag or krak grenades depending on the type of enemy they are facing.

On a side note the “Heavy Bolt Pistol” is in a wierd state of canonicity. The lead designer for the Primaris range claims it was only added for balances sake, and codexes/BL seem to be inconsistent on wether it exists or not. (See; Vox Cast 1, the fact the absolver exists and the fact they use a normal bolt pistol model).

For additional range, they can also swap their heavy bolt pistols and combat knife with the trusty bolt carbine which sits comfortable between the bolt rifle and the bolt pistol and comes with the snazzy little foregrip kitbashers have been adding to bolters for years

==On The Tabletop==
Reivers are functionally useless as unless you are playing Blood Angels, they have no way of wounding T4 or higher on anything less than a roll of 4+. Be it with their guns or AP0 Knives. You're honestly better of taking veteran intercessors as they have the same melee output but for less points, and with a better ranged weapon.

Ignore the above, 41 attacks on a charge with the grenades that block overwatch and can infiltrate on deployment is nothing to sneeze at.

{{Primaris Marine-Forces}}

Crossbow

2020-02-29T23:06:47Z

2601:280:5B7F:85C4:2CE3:624:59D1:C36B: /* Types of Crossbows */

[[image:crossbow.jpg|thumb|300px|right|An Arbalast Crossbow with an iron prod. Note the iron stirrup ring on the front; which the user could use in this case to hold down with his foot when pulling back the draw string or mounting a gaffe lever to push the string back]]
{{topquote|'''I waste him with my crossbow!'''|Bob Herzog, ''[[Knights Of The Dinner Table]]''}}

The '''crossbow''' is named for its cross-shaped design, as it is basically a [[Bows and Arrows|bow]] (in technical terms, called a prod) on a stock (alternatively called a tiller) that uses a locking trigger mechanism to hold and fire either an arrow (called a bolt or quarrel) or a small spherical stone or lead bullet (the latter usually being used for hunting). Bolts are arrows with a shorter shaft, and could range from being lighter than an average arrow to several times heavier. It operates on the same principle as the traditional bow in that a tough bowstring is pulled back to store potential energy in the bow, which upon release of the string, transfers it to a projectile.

While historians are unsure who first made the crossbow, the earliest known crossbows were found in [[China]] around 700 to 500 BCE. During the Warring States period, crossbows became a preferred ranged weapon of Chinese armies due to ease of use for conscripts and the use of crossbows certainly aided in the rise of the Qin Dynasty and the beginning of Imperial China. The Greeks and Romans experimented with hand-held crossbows, but they never made extensive use of them, although they did make extensive use of ballista (basically a crossbow scaled up to the size of an artillery piece, and often shot stone instead of scaled up arrows). The [[Asians|Chinese]] of these times, on the other hand, had crossbows of all types and shapes: from one-handed repeater crossbows, capable of launching dozens of (fairly weak, but often poisoned) arrows per minute, to absurdly heavy ones, designed to be pulled by legs, rather than arms, and launch arrows the size of small javelin, later with gunpowder-filled bombs on the heading at range, only rivaled by siege engines, though later they passed out in favor of multiple rocket launchers (yes, you read it right). Crossbows began to see widespread use in Europe around 1000 CE, at this time emerged crossbows with steel bow sections, more commonly called arbalasts.

The difference between a bow and a crossbow is that a bow's string needs to be pulled back and held by the user while aiming, while a crossbow has a mechanism that locks the bowstring in a readied state and only requires the user to operate the trigger to release the bolt upon sighting their target. The trigger mechanism evolved over time, as did aids for drawing the crossbow's string. The weight or size of the crossbow certainly had an effect on the mechanisms involved, as light crossbows could be reset by hand, but heavier version could end up using levers or crank-operated windlasses to pull back and cock the string, and tended to use more robust release mechanisms due to the increased stress involved.

In fantasy settings, technologically advanced races who don't (or in limitation) employ [[firearm]]s as their go-to weapon typically make heavy use of crossbows. It is also the ranged weapon of choice for richer and more experienced mercenaries.

For some reason in a lot of fantasy and medieval fiction it seems to be the preferred ranged weapon of whoever the bad guys are. Examples include A Song Of Ice and Fire (where it seems to be the favorite weapon of [[brundlepenis|King Joffrey]]), The Lord of the Rings ([[Ork|Uruk-Hai]] marksmen use crossbows) and different settings of DnD ([[Drow]] poisoned repeater crossbows). This may have something to do with crossbows being less relying on the wielder's strengths, stamina and personal skill, and thus regarded as "unfair" weapon compared to bow, it was at one point banned by the pope for use on Christians, although due to it's usefulness on the battlefield this was largely ignored.

The crossbow is also the favored ranged weapon of [[dwarves]] in most fantasy fiction, though in this case it may be more than just aesthetics; while it would be fitting for a race known for their technical expertise to use a more complex device, also keep in mind that dwarves would have a harder time using regular bows. A bow's power depends on its draw length, and having shorter arms, dwarves can't get as much power out of a bow. They also need a weapon that can be used more easily in confined spaces, which disqualifies longbows right away. What they do have going for them, though, is great strength, making a crossbow's high draw weight less of an issue for them.

==Use in warfare==
A major advantage of crossbows over regular bows is that because they're fired using a mechanism instead of depending on human strength to hold the bow in a ready-to-fire position, user fatigue is no longer such a huge factor Additionally, the heavier crossbows could generate more force than most humans thanks to the pulley systems used to cock the string, thus heavier bolts could be thrown, resulting in greater penetration of the target. Possibly its biggest advantage is that it was easier to train the use of a crossbow than bows since the weapon's operation is much less taxing.

Of course, the main drawback with crossbows is that they require a wider range of resources and skills to produce due to the mechanisms involved. Crossbows also generally have a lower rate of fire than bows. At best, a crossbowman can get off about eight shots a minute. More powerful arbalast crossbows that used windlasses could manage about three shots a minute, but could store more energy than a human could physically pull back with bare hands. For these reasons Crossbows excel in a siege situation where the ranges are long and you can duck into cover easily while you're reloading. And since sieges tended to be drawn-out affairs anyway, reload time wasn't as necessary.

That being said, despite crossbows being much more expensive than bows, they were much less demanding on user's skill and physique, meaning you can train as many crossbowmen as you have crossbows and replenish killed ones in just few months of training, while in order to train a bowmen you need to start with kids. So while a single bowman is much more effective than a single crossbowman, you can afford a half-dozen of crossbowmen for the cost of one bowman, and replace lost ones quickly as long as their weapon survives the battle. This is probably why they first took off in Warring States period China, where raising large conscript armies was the name of the game.

It should be noted that despite having much greater draw weights than contemporary bows (above 500 lbs in some cases), crossbows were not proportionally more powerful due to their very short draw length, translating into a much briefer energy transfer. More modern crossbows sometimes address this by using recurve bows, or even by using a bullpup configuration by turning the bow backwards and then pulling the string past the bow. Additionally, the reduced aerodynamic properties of crossbow bolts as compared to arrows mean that they very rapidly lose velocity after a relatively short distance, giving them great punch at short range but reduced effectiveness at longer ranges as compared to bows.

The fact that even relatively poorly trained men armed with crossbows could royally murder fully armored knights, made the crossbow one of the most hated pre-firearm weapons in the Europe, even more than the infamous flamberge. At some point it even came to the pope banning crossbows as unholy weapon not to be used on fellow Christians, but even then they remained popular among mercenaries, rich lords and Protestants. Proud knights could accept deaths from elite long/composite bowmen who like them were training from childhood, but not from some hastily drilled dirty peasant levies whose lord could afford few dozens of crossbows.

Crossbows are still occasionally used for military purposes; while a crossbow's bolts lack the stopping power of modern firearms, the bolts it fires are quieter than any "silenced" firearm and it can also be used for niche purposes such as launching grappling hooks or detonating tripwire-activated mines, and its lower projectile speed means it's much less likely to set off any worn explosives. While its comparatively lower ability to kill outright can be an issue you could use the same solution that the Indian Navy used for this problem and use Cyanide tipped bolts, or take the Rambo route and use bolts with explosive tips.

See Also: [[Katanas are Underpowered in d20#Crossbows are Underpowered in d20|Crossbows are Underpowered in d20]]

===Loading Mechanisms===
Because later crossbows were often too tough to simply pull back unaided, a number of devices were invented to allow the wielder rearm the crossbow via pulling back the string (in a process called spanning). The device used usually depended upon the draw weight of the bow, as heavier bows would require more advanced devices that required more time to pull back.

*'''Gloves and Stirrup''': Generally leather or some other material, good quality gloves (or some tough callouses) can save one some finger or palm bleeding from trying to pull it by the old fashioned way. Talking from experience, if one is to do it this way, put your entire upper back and arms into it, and pull. Either user placed both feet on the bow's span on each side of the stock or in the stirrup ring attached to the crossbow head. Most commonly associated way of reloading in popular culture besides the Cranequin and Windlass. First appearance: 700 to 500's BCE. Mechanical advantage: 1 to 1. Maximum draw weight: 150-300 lbs.
*'''Stirrup and Belt Hook''': Most crossbows you see have a stirrup ring towards the front end for putting your foot through to hold it steady. Combined with a belt worn around the waist with a hook attached to it, the wielder could use their whole body, rather than just their arms, to arm the crossbow. Could also use a belt-attached pulley configuration to lessen the strength to draw. First appearance: 1200's. Mechanical advantage: about 2 or 1 to 1 (depending on whether using pulley configuration). Maximum draw weight: 320-450 lbs.
*'''Goat's Foot Lever''': This was a fairly simple detachable metal lever that gave the user more leverage when pulling back the string. Composed of a rod attached to two curved prongs and two hinged hooks; it's shape had a resemblance to a goat's foot (obvious in the name). Mounts on two metal lugs on the body's sides near the trigger, pull drawstring back in one motion via two hinged hooks, place folded lever back on belt, load the bolt on the crossbow, and then shoot. This could arm the crossbow in a single motion with the lever's curved prongs making the drawing force decrease as the spanning distance increases. Very common for field portable bows and mounted crossbowmen. First appearance: Between 1300's to 1400's. Mechanical Advantage: from 5 up to 30 to 1 (depending on how far the lever is pulled). Maximum draw weight: 500-600 lbs.
*'''Gaffe Lever''': a two piece wooden lever held by a hinge and attached to the stirrup ring via metal hook. User pushed down on the lever to push the drawstring into the trigger before removing. More associated with nobles for hunting or shooting clubs after the gunpowder weapons appeared in the 1500's during the Renaissance. First appearance: 1500's. Mechanical advantage: up to 30 to 1. Maximum draw weight: 400 lbs.
*'''Lever-Action/Self Spanning''': Uses levers embedded into the crossbow body. The user unlocks catch holding the hinge firm before folding open the half of the crossbow body to catch the drawstring on a latch before pulling back to the trigger to arm the crossbow. Unlike the Asian equivalent in the Chu-Ko-Nu, these did not have a top magazine. This enabled users to aim after loading and pulling a trigger to shoot at the cost of having to load the bolt by hand. Besides the Scottish Border Reivers' latchet crossbow in the 1600's, two noted examples are Martin Löffelholz's armbrust in the Codex Löffelholz and Da Vinci's Balestra Veloce in the Codex Atlanticus. While [[Awesome|impressive]], lever-action crossbows were never mainstream or famous due to the transition to gunpowder weapons in the 1500's during the Renaissance. First appearance: 1500's. Mechanical advantage: up to 25 to 1. Maximum draw weight: 220 - 300 lbs.
*'''Windlass''': Like the Cranequin, this was a winding device, but it also came with a bulky pulley system that was mounted to the back of the crossbow. As a result, this was a tremendously powerful pulling system at the expense of needing a lot of time to arm. Along with the Cranequin, this was one of the strongest crossbow loading methods. Contrary to popular culture, it was more often used on large, heavy crossbows for stationary battles like trench warfare or sieges like modern anti-tank guns. On the other hand, usage on open battlefields (behind pavise shields) for support artillery wasn't unheard of. First appearance: 1400’s. Mechanical advantage: ~160 to 1. Maximum draw weight: 1500 lbs+ (limited by time and bow strength).
*'''Cranequin''': Also called the "Rack and Pinion," this device used gears and a crank to wind up the bowstring, requiring multiple turns to pull it all the way back. Device slid onto lugs mounted on the stock and was removed before firing. Along with the Windlass, this was one of the strongest crossbow loading methods. Contrary to popular culture, it was more often used on large, heavy crossbows for stationary battles like trench warfare or sieges like modern anti-tank guns. On the other hand, usage on mounted crossbowmen with lighter crossbows and by footmen on open battlefields (behind pavise shields) for artillery support wasn't unheard of. First appearance: 1500's. Mechanical advantage: ~600 or 840 to 1. Maximum draw weight: 2000 lbs+.

==Types of Crossbows==
As a general note, crossbows are not ballistas, despite their visual similarity. Unlike Crossbows which store energy in a set of arms which are bent back, Ballistas instead store energy in twisted rope that has a wooden beam pushed into it which is then twisted back farther before firing to store energy. That said, some ballistas are discussed here until a proper "[[Siege Weapon|siege]]" article is consolidated.

*'''Gastraphetes''': an early Greek crossbow, the Gastraphetes, or "belly bow", was cocked by resting the stomach on the bolt rest of the stock (which contained a sliding plank attached to the drawstring) and pushing down so that more energy can be stored then an archer could provide. The Gastraphetes worked slightly different from the classic crossbow, in that its arrow slot was two-piece, with the sliding inner plank attached to the rope. Thus, rather than drawing back the crossbow, you readied it by slamming it into the ground until the trigger catches onto a latch. While impressive, it was restricted to hip fire, was fired with a button-like trigger, and was more of a man portable siege weapon. A larger winch-spanned, tripod-mounted version, the Oxybeles, was in use as a stationary artillery weapon before being replaced by the ballista.

* '''Polybolos''': meaning “multi-bolt thrower” in Greek and also known as a repeating ballista, the Polybolos is more of a big cross bow since the arms are fixed to the "stock" and don't twist around to fire it. The repeating ballista was fired by turning a wheel connected to a chain back to cock it, the turning it the other way to load it again from a hopper on top of the stock.

* '''Chinese "Nu" crossbow''': unlike the European crossbow, which had a power stroke (drawing span) of about 7 inches; used a rolling nut latch held in place by a sear pushed by a long horizontal lever-like trigger in the middle of the stock; and used prods (bow pieces) made from simple wood, composite, and later with metal; the Chinese crossbow had a power stroke of about 21 inches; used a complicated two-piece vertical trigger at the very back of the stock (held together by tension and two pins at the very end of the stock) on a pistol grip; and used wood or composite prods (often salvaged from recurve bows and constructed for conscripts to use en mass instead of drilling archery skills into them). Thus, due to the longer power stroke via the trigger being placed further back and assuming all other factors are equal, the bolts fired by the Chinese bows (usually with draw weights of 380 lbs) were launched with comparable performance to an average European windlass crossbow (with a draw weight of 1,500 lbs). However, the Chinese crossbows themselves were rather large, cumbersome, and had to be reloaded with just stirrup rings, belt hooks, and/or gloves.

* '''Chu-Ko-Nu''': literally meaning “Zhuge’s Crossbow," classical legend associated it a Chinese noble named Zhuge Liang (2nd Century AD). Alternatively known as the Lian Nu (repeating crossbow), it's also known as the Chinese repeating crossbow and is one of the more common types of crossbow seen in fiction. In reality, it was invented during the Warring States Period (4th Century BC) in the State of Chu. The term "repeating crossbow" brings to mind some bastard combination of Assault rifle and crossbow, which it kinda is and is not. Without doubt, this thing could fire quickly; trained soldiers could loose ten bolts in fifteen seconds before having to reload. Mechanically, it consisted of a stock that the user secured on their hip with the bowstring sliding through a slit on each side of the sliding magazine/bolt rest. By pushing and then pulling the lever that secures the magazine to the stock, the user catches bowstring on a notch at the back end of the slits while loading the bolt by gravity onto the bolt rest. Once the lever is fully compressed down, a sliding lug nut at the base of the magazine pushes the string up off the notches and propels the bolt out. However, because of the mechanism's design, the pumping action that pulled the string back also fired the bolt at the same time while the magazine is built on top of the bow. Due to that, you could not pull the string back and then aim. Chu-ko-nu's were limited to hip fire; giving you almost ork levels of accuracy in exchange for an appreciable volume of fire. In layman's terms, it's the same as being restricted to hip-firing a pump action shotgun with the trigger permanently welded in the fire position. Additionally because you were pulling the string back one handed, the bolts had a lot less penetration power than those of a regular crossbow. However, the bolts (which fell down onto the stock from a hopper mounted on top) were often poisoned to make up for that (as seen with the [[Drow]], who make use of the weapon extensively). While no matter how strong the poison on your bolt is, you're not gonna kill a man instantly with a scratch. However, on the battlefield causing enough pain to make a person go into shock is as good as killing them outright, and poison delivers the last one in spades. The downside was you had next to no luck piercing good quality armor or thick leather that an enemy is wearing while you're using it.

* '''Balestra Veloce/Löffelholz Armbrust lever-action crossbows''': First mentioned in Leonardo Da Vinci's Codex Atlanticus (1478 to 1519) and Martin Löffelholz's Codex Löffelholz (1505), both versions of the said design used a stock consisting of of two wood and metal pieces on top of each other and hinged at the head of the crossbow. By unlocking a latch on the stock, the user can then swing forward the bottom half of the stock to extend a sliding latch to catch the drawstring. Once the drawstring is caught, the stock is then closed; locking the stock back together and bringing the latch (which is held firm by a spring-loaded sear) back into contact with the trigger on the lower half of the stock. User then loaded the bolt and pulled the trigger to compress the sear; letting the rolling nut release the crossbow string. Whether the German or Italian version came first is unclear; though the rapid fire crossbow pages in the Codex Atlanticus are dated back to 1485. Either codex's blueprints can be found online via an online archive created by "The Visual Agency" media company or a pdf scan hosted by Krakow's Jagiellonian Library respectively. While firing and reloading more rapidly than the mainstream "goats foot lever" crossbows, it was not widely used due to possibly three reasons.
** First, the amount of expert craftsmanship to make it and the extensive training to use it was cost prohibitive for a relatively complicated and delicately structured weapon. This meant that it was likely more of a special luxury weapon that only wealthy people could afford rather than a mass produced weapon for conscripts (the same reason why breech loading rifles existed since the 16th Century for hunting nobility but didn't replace muzzle-loading smoothbore muskets in mass use for militaries until the 1840's).
** Second, while quicker than spanning a crossbow with a goat's foot or gaffe lever, the draw weight is reduced to a mere average of 220 lbs. Being half of the maximum draw weight of gaffe and goat's foot lever crossbows, this meant weaker penetration and shorter ranges. This was likely to make the lever-action crossbow more easily rearmed without being too strong to either break the trigger lock or cock with your hands.
** Third, the introduction of gunpowder weapons alongside the volley fire from massed Pike and Shot square formations occurred during the Renaissance. Since these crossbows were developed right when gunpowder took over, this meant these lever-action crossbows already went obsolete the same way that heavy plate-armored cavalry and longbow archers did. Hence, this is why these crossbow types (as well as other related specimens preserved at Vienna' Kunsthistorisches and New York's Metropolitan museums) were usually hunting or city guard pieces rather than military arsenal pieces.

* '''Latch/Latchet lever-action Crossbow''': A light lever action crossbow popular with Scottish border raiders called Reivers in the 1600's to 1700's, it worked via swinging an internal metal lever forward from the top to push a sliding latch forward to secure the drawstring after unlocking the catch. The user then pushed the lever back into the body to arm the bow before loading and shooting. Popular to the Scottish in the region for home defense and raiding as they were small, easy to use, very quiet compared to a wheel-lock pistol, and took only 10 seconds to rearm and load. Their downside was their short range and being restricted to hip firing due to the trigger being a button on the top (a trade off to enable horsemen to fire one-handed from the saddle though you could tuck it into your armpit).

* '''Bed Crossbow''': A Chinese peculiarity, where multiple crossbows mounted on a static frame were combined to create an increased draw strength. A precursor to the compound crossbow.

*'''Bullet Crossbows''': Also referred to as pelletbows, stonebows, and ballesters, these were essentially the same as regular crossbows or similar to a slingshot in crossbow form, except they fired stone or lead shot instead of bolts. Usually used for recreational shooting and small game hunting.

*'''Crossbow pistol''': Small crossbows designed to be fired from one hand, with modernized versions commonly featuring a more modern pistol grip and trigger. While these did exist in the past, they were nowhere near as lethal as battlefield crossbows as the draw weights were far smaller.

*'''Arbalast''': As European armor improved with the development of steel plate crossbows with wooden bow sections were just not cutting the mustard anymore, as such they began making that part out of steel. This meant that the bow could store more energy and launch a projectile farther and faster, significantly improving armor penetration but it also increased the amount of energy required to draw it, often requiring various leavers and cranking mechanisms to reset it.

*'''Slurbow:''' A crossbow with a cover over its barrel and a small gap used to draw its string back. Arguably influenced by the pistol, the slurbow was mostly used for firing unfeathered quarrels or darts.

*'''Sauterelle''': The last apparition of a crossbow-like weapon in a modern battlefield for frontline work. In WWI, soldiers had a problem: all the artillery that existed was big and unable to drop explosives accurately into a trench, especially at close range. And on the other hand, thrown hand grenades had the precision but too limited range. As an interim solution the French invented the ''Sauterelle'' (grasshopper in French): basically a big crossbow built to lob grenades at around 150 yards distance. Worked decently enough but later in the war they were replaced by small, two-man team infantry mortars that were just as easy to move around and use but had three or four time the range and a better rate of fire.

*'''Compound Crossbow''': the modern version of the crossbow, which is basically a modern compound bow on a rifle stock. Many of these also come equipped with telescopic sights modified with cross-hairs that compensate for the effects of gravity, wind, elevation, and other factors that might affect a bolt's accuracy. They are primarily used for hunting, sport and (unusually) home defense in Britain since everything else has been banned. Also finds military (specifically special forces, not frontline grunts), espionage and law enforcement utility by being used to fire ziplines or grappling hooks, explosive, incendiary, poisoned or gas releasing projectiles, or simply well made darts for a silent kill. Some more recent exotic ones combine various technological concepts from past and present (such as the ones build by hobbyists like Lacas Crossbows or cottage industries like GoGun's Cobra Adder; with those being a bizarre chimera between the Chu-Ko-Nu's hopper magazine (which is detachable), the Balestra Veloce's lever action system, along with modern optics, grips, and compound, composite bow-pieces).

{{MedievalWeaponry}}

Crossbow

2020-02-29T23:00:08Z

2601:280:5B7F:85C4:2CE3:624:59D1:C36B: /* Types of Crossbows */

[[image:crossbow.jpg|thumb|300px|right|An Arbalast Crossbow with an iron prod. Note the iron stirrup ring on the front; which the user could use in this case to hold down with his foot when pulling back the draw string or mounting a gaffe lever to push the string back]]
{{topquote|'''I waste him with my crossbow!'''|Bob Herzog, ''[[Knights Of The Dinner Table]]''}}

The '''crossbow''' is named for its cross-shaped design, as it is basically a [[Bows and Arrows|bow]] (in technical terms, called a prod) on a stock (alternatively called a tiller) that uses a locking trigger mechanism to hold and fire either an arrow (called a bolt or quarrel) or a small spherical stone or lead bullet (the latter usually being used for hunting). Bolts are arrows with a shorter shaft, and could range from being lighter than an average arrow to several times heavier. It operates on the same principle as the traditional bow in that a tough bowstring is pulled back to store potential energy in the bow, which upon release of the string, transfers it to a projectile.

While historians are unsure who first made the crossbow, the earliest known crossbows were found in [[China]] around 700 to 500 BCE. During the Warring States period, crossbows became a preferred ranged weapon of Chinese armies due to ease of use for conscripts and the use of crossbows certainly aided in the rise of the Qin Dynasty and the beginning of Imperial China. The Greeks and Romans experimented with hand-held crossbows, but they never made extensive use of them, although they did make extensive use of ballista (basically a crossbow scaled up to the size of an artillery piece, and often shot stone instead of scaled up arrows). The [[Asians|Chinese]] of these times, on the other hand, had crossbows of all types and shapes: from one-handed repeater crossbows, capable of launching dozens of (fairly weak, but often poisoned) arrows per minute, to absurdly heavy ones, designed to be pulled by legs, rather than arms, and launch arrows the size of small javelin, later with gunpowder-filled bombs on the heading at range, only rivaled by siege engines, though later they passed out in favor of multiple rocket launchers (yes, you read it right). Crossbows began to see widespread use in Europe around 1000 CE, at this time emerged crossbows with steel bow sections, more commonly called arbalasts.

The difference between a bow and a crossbow is that a bow's string needs to be pulled back and held by the user while aiming, while a crossbow has a mechanism that locks the bowstring in a readied state and only requires the user to operate the trigger to release the bolt upon sighting their target. The trigger mechanism evolved over time, as did aids for drawing the crossbow's string. The weight or size of the crossbow certainly had an effect on the mechanisms involved, as light crossbows could be reset by hand, but heavier version could end up using levers or crank-operated windlasses to pull back and cock the string, and tended to use more robust release mechanisms due to the increased stress involved.

In fantasy settings, technologically advanced races who don't (or in limitation) employ [[firearm]]s as their go-to weapon typically make heavy use of crossbows. It is also the ranged weapon of choice for richer and more experienced mercenaries.

For some reason in a lot of fantasy and medieval fiction it seems to be the preferred ranged weapon of whoever the bad guys are. Examples include A Song Of Ice and Fire (where it seems to be the favorite weapon of [[brundlepenis|King Joffrey]]), The Lord of the Rings ([[Ork|Uruk-Hai]] marksmen use crossbows) and different settings of DnD ([[Drow]] poisoned repeater crossbows). This may have something to do with crossbows being less relying on the wielder's strengths, stamina and personal skill, and thus regarded as "unfair" weapon compared to bow, it was at one point banned by the pope for use on Christians, although due to it's usefulness on the battlefield this was largely ignored.

The crossbow is also the favored ranged weapon of [[dwarves]] in most fantasy fiction, though in this case it may be more than just aesthetics; while it would be fitting for a race known for their technical expertise to use a more complex device, also keep in mind that dwarves would have a harder time using regular bows. A bow's power depends on its draw length, and having shorter arms, dwarves can't get as much power out of a bow. They also need a weapon that can be used more easily in confined spaces, which disqualifies longbows right away. What they do have going for them, though, is great strength, making a crossbow's high draw weight less of an issue for them.

==Use in warfare==
A major advantage of crossbows over regular bows is that because they're fired using a mechanism instead of depending on human strength to hold the bow in a ready-to-fire position, user fatigue is no longer such a huge factor Additionally, the heavier crossbows could generate more force than most humans thanks to the pulley systems used to cock the string, thus heavier bolts could be thrown, resulting in greater penetration of the target. Possibly its biggest advantage is that it was easier to train the use of a crossbow than bows since the weapon's operation is much less taxing.

Of course, the main drawback with crossbows is that they require a wider range of resources and skills to produce due to the mechanisms involved. Crossbows also generally have a lower rate of fire than bows. At best, a crossbowman can get off about eight shots a minute. More powerful arbalast crossbows that used windlasses could manage about three shots a minute, but could store more energy than a human could physically pull back with bare hands. For these reasons Crossbows excel in a siege situation where the ranges are long and you can duck into cover easily while you're reloading. And since sieges tended to be drawn-out affairs anyway, reload time wasn't as necessary.

That being said, despite crossbows being much more expensive than bows, they were much less demanding on user's skill and physique, meaning you can train as many crossbowmen as you have crossbows and replenish killed ones in just few months of training, while in order to train a bowmen you need to start with kids. So while a single bowman is much more effective than a single crossbowman, you can afford a half-dozen of crossbowmen for the cost of one bowman, and replace lost ones quickly as long as their weapon survives the battle. This is probably why they first took off in Warring States period China, where raising large conscript armies was the name of the game.

It should be noted that despite having much greater draw weights than contemporary bows (above 500 lbs in some cases), crossbows were not proportionally more powerful due to their very short draw length, translating into a much briefer energy transfer. More modern crossbows sometimes address this by using recurve bows, or even by using a bullpup configuration by turning the bow backwards and then pulling the string past the bow. Additionally, the reduced aerodynamic properties of crossbow bolts as compared to arrows mean that they very rapidly lose velocity after a relatively short distance, giving them great punch at short range but reduced effectiveness at longer ranges as compared to bows.

The fact that even relatively poorly trained men armed with crossbows could royally murder fully armored knights, made the crossbow one of the most hated pre-firearm weapons in the Europe, even more than the infamous flamberge. At some point it even came to the pope banning crossbows as unholy weapon not to be used on fellow Christians, but even then they remained popular among mercenaries, rich lords and Protestants. Proud knights could accept deaths from elite long/composite bowmen who like them were training from childhood, but not from some hastily drilled dirty peasant levies whose lord could afford few dozens of crossbows.

Crossbows are still occasionally used for military purposes; while a crossbow's bolts lack the stopping power of modern firearms, the bolts it fires are quieter than any "silenced" firearm and it can also be used for niche purposes such as launching grappling hooks or detonating tripwire-activated mines, and its lower projectile speed means it's much less likely to set off any worn explosives. While its comparatively lower ability to kill outright can be an issue you could use the same solution that the Indian Navy used for this problem and use Cyanide tipped bolts, or take the Rambo route and use bolts with explosive tips.

See Also: [[Katanas are Underpowered in d20#Crossbows are Underpowered in d20|Crossbows are Underpowered in d20]]

===Loading Mechanisms===
Because later crossbows were often too tough to simply pull back unaided, a number of devices were invented to allow the wielder rearm the crossbow via pulling back the string (in a process called spanning). The device used usually depended upon the draw weight of the bow, as heavier bows would require more advanced devices that required more time to pull back.

*'''Gloves and Stirrup''': Generally leather or some other material, good quality gloves (or some tough callouses) can save one some finger or palm bleeding from trying to pull it by the old fashioned way. Talking from experience, if one is to do it this way, put your entire upper back and arms into it, and pull. Either user placed both feet on the bow's span on each side of the stock or in the stirrup ring attached to the crossbow head. Most commonly associated way of reloading in popular culture besides the Cranequin and Windlass. First appearance: 700 to 500's BCE. Mechanical advantage: 1 to 1. Maximum draw weight: 150-300 lbs.
*'''Stirrup and Belt Hook''': Most crossbows you see have a stirrup ring towards the front end for putting your foot through to hold it steady. Combined with a belt worn around the waist with a hook attached to it, the wielder could use their whole body, rather than just their arms, to arm the crossbow. Could also use a belt-attached pulley configuration to lessen the strength to draw. First appearance: 1200's. Mechanical advantage: about 2 or 1 to 1 (depending on whether using pulley configuration). Maximum draw weight: 320-450 lbs.
*'''Goat's Foot Lever''': This was a fairly simple detachable metal lever that gave the user more leverage when pulling back the string. Composed of a rod attached to two curved prongs and two hinged hooks; it's shape had a resemblance to a goat's foot (obvious in the name). Mounts on two metal lugs on the body's sides near the trigger, pull drawstring back in one motion via two hinged hooks, place folded lever back on belt, load the bolt on the crossbow, and then shoot. This could arm the crossbow in a single motion with the lever's curved prongs making the drawing force decrease as the spanning distance increases. Very common for field portable bows and mounted crossbowmen. First appearance: Between 1300's to 1400's. Mechanical Advantage: from 5 up to 30 to 1 (depending on how far the lever is pulled). Maximum draw weight: 500-600 lbs.
*'''Gaffe Lever''': a two piece wooden lever held by a hinge and attached to the stirrup ring via metal hook. User pushed down on the lever to push the drawstring into the trigger before removing. More associated with nobles for hunting or shooting clubs after the gunpowder weapons appeared in the 1500's during the Renaissance. First appearance: 1500's. Mechanical advantage: up to 30 to 1. Maximum draw weight: 400 lbs.
*'''Lever-Action/Self Spanning''': Uses levers embedded into the crossbow body. The user unlocks catch holding the hinge firm before folding open the half of the crossbow body to catch the drawstring on a latch before pulling back to the trigger to arm the crossbow. Unlike the Asian equivalent in the Chu-Ko-Nu, these did not have a top magazine. This enabled users to aim after loading and pulling a trigger to shoot at the cost of having to load the bolt by hand. Besides the Scottish Border Reivers' latchet crossbow in the 1600's, two noted examples are Martin Löffelholz's armbrust in the Codex Löffelholz and Da Vinci's Balestra Veloce in the Codex Atlanticus. While [[Awesome|impressive]], lever-action crossbows were never mainstream or famous due to the transition to gunpowder weapons in the 1500's during the Renaissance. First appearance: 1500's. Mechanical advantage: up to 25 to 1. Maximum draw weight: 220 - 300 lbs.
*'''Windlass''': Like the Cranequin, this was a winding device, but it also came with a bulky pulley system that was mounted to the back of the crossbow. As a result, this was a tremendously powerful pulling system at the expense of needing a lot of time to arm. Along with the Cranequin, this was one of the strongest crossbow loading methods. Contrary to popular culture, it was more often used on large, heavy crossbows for stationary battles like trench warfare or sieges like modern anti-tank guns. On the other hand, usage on open battlefields (behind pavise shields) for support artillery wasn't unheard of. First appearance: 1400’s. Mechanical advantage: ~160 to 1. Maximum draw weight: 1500 lbs+ (limited by time and bow strength).
*'''Cranequin''': Also called the "Rack and Pinion," this device used gears and a crank to wind up the bowstring, requiring multiple turns to pull it all the way back. Device slid onto lugs mounted on the stock and was removed before firing. Along with the Windlass, this was one of the strongest crossbow loading methods. Contrary to popular culture, it was more often used on large, heavy crossbows for stationary battles like trench warfare or sieges like modern anti-tank guns. On the other hand, usage on mounted crossbowmen with lighter crossbows and by footmen on open battlefields (behind pavise shields) for artillery support wasn't unheard of. First appearance: 1500's. Mechanical advantage: ~600 or 840 to 1. Maximum draw weight: 2000 lbs+.

==Types of Crossbows==
As a general note, crossbows are not ballistas, despite their visual similarity. Unlike Crossbows which store energy in a set of arms which are bent back, Ballistas instead store energy in twisted rope that has a wooden beam pushed into it which is then twisted back farther before firing to store energy. That said, some ballistas are discussed here until a proper "[[Siege Weapon|siege]]" article is consolidated.

*'''Gastraphetes''': an early Greek crossbow, the Gastraphetes, or "belly bow", was cocked by resting the stomach on the bolt rest of the stock (which contained a sliding plank attached to the drawstring) and pushing down so that more energy can be stored then an archer could provide. The Gastraphetes worked slightly different from the classic crossbow, in that its arrow slot was two-piece, with the sliding inner plank attached to the rope. Thus, rather than drawing back the crossbow, you readied it by slamming it into the ground until the trigger catches onto a latch. While impressive, it was restricted to hip fire, was fired with a button-like trigger, and was more of a man portable siege weapon. A larger winch-spanned, tripod-mounted version, the Oxybeles, was in use as a stationary artillery weapon before being replaced by the ballista.

* '''Polybolos''': meaning “multi-bolt thrower” in Greek and also known as a repeating ballista, the Polybolos is more of a big cross bow since the arms are fixed to the "stock" and don't twist around to fire it. The repeating ballista was fired by turning a wheel connected to a chain back to cock it, the turning it the other way to load it again from a hopper on top of the stock.

* '''Chinese "Nu" crossbow''': unlike the European crossbow, which had a power stroke (drawing span) of about 7 inches; used a rolling nut latch held in place by a sear pushed by a long horizontal lever-like trigger in the middle of the stock; and used prods (bow pieces) made from simple wood, composite, and later with metal; the Chinese crossbow had a power stroke of about 21 inches; used a complicated two-piece vertical trigger at the very back of the stock (held together by tension and two pins at the very end of the stock) on a pistol grip; and used wood or composite prods (often salvaged from recurve bows and constructed for conscripts to use en mass instead of drilling archery skills into them). Thus, due to the longer power stroke via the trigger being placed further back and assuming all other factors are equal, the bolts fired by the Chinese bows (usually with draw weights of 380 lbs) were launched with comparable performance to an average European windlass crossbow (with a draw weight of 1,500 lbs). However, the Chinese crossbows themselves were rather large, cumbersome, and had to be reloaded with just stirrup rings, belt hooks, and/or gloves.

* '''Chu-Ko-Nu''': literally meaning “Zhuge’s Crossbow," classical legend associated it a Chinese noble named Zhuge Liang (2nd Century AD). Alternatively known as the Lian Nu (repeating crossbow), it's also known as the Chinese repeating crossbow and is one of the more common types of crossbow seen in fiction. In reality, it was invented during the Warring States Period (4th Century BC) in the State of Chu. The term "repeating crossbow" brings to mind some bastard combination of Assault rifle and crossbow, which it kinda is and is not. Without doubt, this thing could fire quickly; trained soldiers could loose ten bolts in fifteen seconds before having to reload. Mechanically, it consisted of a stock that the user secured on their hip with the bowstring sliding through a slit on each side of the sliding magazine/bolt rest. By pushing and then pulling the lever that secures the magazine to the stock, the user catches bowstring on a notch at the back end of the slits while loading the bolt by gravity onto the bolt rest. Once the lever is fully compressed down, a sliding lug nut at the base of the magazine pushes the string up off the notches and propels the bolt out. However, because of the mechanism's design, the pumping action that pulled the string back also fired the bolt at the same time while the magazine is built on top of the bow. Due to that, you could not pull the string back and then aim. Chu-ko-nu's were limited to hip fire; giving you almost ork levels of accuracy in exchange for an appreciable volume of fire. In layman's terms, it's the same as being restricted to hip-firing a pump action shotgun with the trigger permanently welded in the fire position. Additionally because you were pulling the string back one handed, the bolts had a lot less penetration power than those of a regular crossbow. However, the bolts (which fell down onto the stock from a hopper mounted on top) were often poisoned to make up for that (as seen with the [[Drow]], who make use of the weapon extensively). While no matter how strong the poison on your bolt is, you're not gonna kill a man instantly with a scratch. However, on the battlefield causing enough pain to make a person go into shock is as good as killing them outright, and poison delivers the last one in spades. The downside was you had next to no luck piercing good quality armor or thick leather that an enemy is wearing while you're using it.

* '''Balestra Veloce/Löffelholz Armbrust lever-action crossbows''': First mentioned in Leonardo Da Vinci's Codex Atlanticus (1478 to 1519) and Martin Löffelholz's Codex Löffelholz (1505), both versions of the said design used a stock consisting of of two wood and metal pieces on top of each other and hinged at the head of the crossbow. By unlocking a latch on the stock, the user can then swing forward the bottom half of the stock to extend a sliding latch to catch the drawstring. Once the drawstring is caught, the stock is then closed; locking the stock back together and bringing the latch (which is held firm by a spring-loaded sear) back into contact with the trigger on the lower half of the stock. User then loaded the bolt and pulled the trigger to compress the sear; letting the rolling nut release the crossbow string. Whether the German or Italian version came first is unclear; though the rapid fire crossbow pages in the Codex Atlanticus are dated back to 1485. Either codex's blueprints can be found online via an online archive created by "The Visual Agency" media company or a pdf scan hosted by Krakow's Jagiellonian Library respectively. While firing and reloading more rapidly than the mainstream "goats foot lever" crossbows, it was not widely used due to possibly three reasons.
** First, the amount of expert craftsmanship to make it and the extensive training to use it was cost prohibitive for a relatively complicated and delicately structured weapon. This meant that it was likely more of a special luxury weapon that only wealthy people could afford rather than a mass produced weapon for conscripts (the same reason why breech loading rifles existed since the 16th Century for hunting nobility but didn't replace muzzle-loading smoothbore muskets in mass use for militaries until the 1840's).
** Second, while quicker than spanning a crossbow with a goat's foot or gaffe lever, the draw weight is reduced to a mere average of 220 lbs. Being half of the maximum draw weight of gaffe and goat's foot lever crossbows, this meant weaker penetration and shorter ranges. This was likely to make the lever-action crossbow more easily rearmed without being too strong to either break the trigger lock or cock with your hands.
** Third, the introduction of gunpowder weapons alongside the volley fire from massed Pike and Shot square formations occurred during the Renaissance. Since these crossbows were developed right when gunpowder took over, this meant these lever-action crossbows already went obsolete the same way that heavy plate-armored cavalry and longbow archers did.

* '''Latch/Latchet lever-action Crossbow''': A light lever action crossbow popular with Scottish border raiders called Border Reivers in the 1600's to 1700's, it worked via swinging an internal metal lever forward from the top to push a sliding latch forward to secure the drawstring after unlocking the catch. The user then pushed the lever back into the body to arm the bow before loading and shooting. Popular to the Scottish in the region for home defense and raiding as they were small, easy to use, very quiet compared to a wheel-lock pistol, and took only 10 seconds to rearm and load. Their downside was their short range and being restricted to hip firing due to the trigger being a button on the top (a trade off to enable horsemen to fire one-handed from the saddle though you could tuck it into your armpit).

* '''Bed Crossbow''': A Chinese peculiarity, where multiple crossbows mounted on a static frame were combined to create an increased draw strength. A precursor to the compound crossbow.

*'''Bullet Crossbows''': Also referred to as pelletbows, stonebows, and ballesters, these were essentially the same as regular crossbows or similar to a slingshot in crossbow form, except they fired stone or lead shot instead of bolts. Usually used for recreational shooting and small game hunting.

*'''Crossbow pistol''': Small crossbows designed to be fired from one hand, with modernized versions commonly featuring a more modern pistol grip and trigger. While these did exist in the past, they were nowhere near as lethal as battlefield crossbows as the draw weights were far smaller.

*'''Arbalast''': As European armor improved with the development of steel plate crossbows with wooden bow sections were just not cutting the mustard anymore, as such they began making that part out of steel. This meant that the bow could store more energy and launch a projectile farther and faster, significantly improving armor penetration but it also increased the amount of energy required to draw it, often requiring various leavers and cranking mechanisms to reset it.

*'''Slurbow:''' A crossbow with a cover over its barrel and a small gap used to draw its string back. Arguably influenced by the pistol, the slurbow was mostly used for firing unfeathered quarrels or darts.

*'''Sauterelle''': The last apparition of a crossbow-like weapon in a modern battlefield for frontline work. In WWI, soldiers had a problem: all the artillery that existed was big and unable to drop explosives accurately into a trench, especially at close range. And on the other hand, thrown hand grenades had the precision but too limited range. As an interim solution the French invented the ''Sauterelle'' (grasshopper in French): basically a big crossbow built to lob grenades at around 150 yards distance. Worked decently enough but later in the war they were replaced by small, two-man team infantry mortars that were just as easy to move around and use but had three or four time the range and a better rate of fire.

*'''Compound Crossbow''': the modern version of the crossbow, which is basically a modern compound bow on a rifle stock. Many of these also come equipped with telescopic sights modified with cross-hairs that compensate for the effects of gravity, wind, elevation, and other factors that might affect a bolt's accuracy. They are primarily used for hunting, sport and (unusually) home defense in Britain since everything else has been banned. Also finds military (specifically special forces, not frontline grunts), espionage and law enforcement utility by being used to fire ziplines or grappling hooks, explosive, incendiary, poisoned or gas releasing projectiles, or simply well made darts for a silent kill. Some more recent exotic ones combine various technological concepts from past and present (such as the ones build by hobbyists like Lacas Crossbows or cottage industries like GoGun's Cobra Adder; with those being a bizarre chimera between the Chu-Ko-Nu's hopper magazine (which is detachable), the Balestra Veloce's lever action system, along with modern optics, grips, and compound, composite bow-pieces).

{{MedievalWeaponry}}

If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device

2020-02-29T22:57:20Z

2601:280:5B7F:85C4:2CE3:624:59D1:C36B: /* Imperials (So sorta good guys) */

{{Cleanup}}
{{Spoilers}}
[[File:If-the-emperor.png|500px|right|thumb|]]
{{Topquote|'''The LORD:'''<br>"You've nothing more to say to me? You come but to complain unendingly? Is never aught right to your mind?"<br>'''Mephistopheles:'''<br>"No, Lord! All is still downright bad, I find.|Goethe's Faust, Prologue in Heaven.}}

A Youtube series created by Bruva Alfabusa, the show follows the exploits of [[Emprah]] himself in his quest to bring the Imperium of Man to its former glory, helped by the Captain-General of the [[Adeptus Custodes]] (nicknamed "Little Kitten"[[C'tan|...ha]] by his disrespectful underlings), Magnus the Red (now both ensouled and forgiven), and a hilarious cast of other major 40k characters. The series has become a huge success mostly by poking fun at many of the memes, traditions, and quirks of the 40k universe and the fandom, but also by some very awesome scenes, and, of course, great music. This shit has become so popular that it has its own fanfiction (one of which ended up gaining multiple meta-Fanfictions of its own (Does that make them a fanfic... within a fanfic... within what's essentially the video version of a fanfic?)), and there's even a few quotes from the show scattered through the affected characters' pages here. Seriously.

Most fans agree that, while a wild and very unserious take on the 40k universe, and the episodes are often littered with injokes (to the point of one regarding Magnus's VA taking up an entire special), the plot itself isn't actually that outlandish. If the Emps would wake up, it's pretty much a given that he would remove the worst parts of the Inquisition in short order, as well as enacting extensive reforms throughout the rest of the Imperial bureaucracy, while probably being an ass, as he always was. The unsure part is if the Emps would have learned from his 10,000 years of mistakes, which the series believes he has, deep inside. Doesn't help his [[Rage|temper]] though.

The series began back during the unending plot stagnation that has happened since third edition, though now that the plot's actually begun to move forward for a change, it is unknown how this will affect the series.

The so-called "TTS-verse" also includes Karl the Deranged's series [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5enLrHSMuIs Chaos Descends], and Eliphas the Inheritor's unfinished [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1cXYan0NQA Behemoth] trilogy. "Specials" are slated for story content that takes place outside the throne room. The show also has an in-character podcast that reviews [[Black Library]] books called ''If The Emperor Had a Podcast.'' As in, they go to the Webway Black Library, and pick up books published by GW's Black Library.

==Dramatis Personae==
Starting off with a few characters, the series has evolved to encompass a fuckton of major and minor characters, with their own small arcs and all. It's not quite [[Order of the Stick|OotS]] level, but it's getting there.

===Team Emperor===
[[Image:Pleased Emprah.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Emperor of Mankind]]''': The Emprah, who's now able to verbally communicate with people after Techpriests installed a text-to-speech device on his throne. Do you know how Roboute Guilliman is a 'jerk with a heart of gold'? Well the Emperor is a massive frothing plasteel power ceramite spiked dickbag with tourettes and a heart of gold/platinum alloy <s>studded with diamonds</s> that menaces with spikes of diamond. Is currently planning to rebuild the Imperium after hearing the clusterfuck of stories from his Captain-General caretaker. He also has a pet [[Centurion Squad|Centurion]] (who turns out to be rather an important person of the Primarchial variety), which he finds adorable, while finding [[Dreadknight]]s abominable. He is a jerk, frequently insulting the Captain-General with little reason other than he can (and because it's funny), and dialogue with Magnus implies he's always been a prick. Nonetheless he is ultimately a sympathetic character who wanted to create a better future for humanity and the comedic outrage he displays at all the bad news he gets is justified given how he frequently hears about costly victories that could have been avoided if the men in charge were less incompetent and how the Imperium has been destroying itself (usually because of the Inquisition). The Emperor has a new plan for defeating Chaos after the "starve them out by getting rid of religion" plan didn't work, but like before, he refuses to tell anyone what that plan is (although this time around, it's apparently not because he doesn't trust anyone, but because he doesn't want to spoil the surprise. Though it's probably sending the Ultramarines to destroy Chaos). As of certain revelations post-Gathering Storm, he's definitely a lot nicer than canon Emprah. Such as getting incredibly furious when he hears that the Inquisition has been murdering his people, reading Rogal a bedtime story (which, naturally, is a guidebook to being an architect) and such. This Emperor seems to honestly care about each individual human but accepts that his decisions cannot be based on that compassion.
**'''The Star Child''': Spoiler alert on this one, but Emps on Terra isn't the only part of Emps still sticking around. If the foreshadowing is anything to go by, he seems to be the largest non-Throne fragment of the Emperor's soul that contains his compassion and love for mankind. Saved the remainder of the Inquisition and Leman Russ from Skarbrand and is currently hijacking Fyodor's body in order to get back to the Material Realm.

[[Image:Sad Kitten.jpg|thumb|right]]
*''' Custodes Captain-General (aka Kitten (Real Name: Captain-General Kittonius etc. etc. etc. (as far as Spacebattle’s concerned)))''': Captain-General of the [[Adeptus Custodes]] and <s>the only Custodes who appears to have retained his sanity after the near-death of the Emperor </s>, as of Episode 27 there are revealed to be more sane and normal Custodes. He serves as both the Emperor's personal caretaker and assistant, and pretty much the only person he regularly talks to and his main link to the outside world. Generally, the only person the Emperor trusts and treats like a son, albeit constantly berating him whenever he does something stupid, or because he just feels like it. He also seriously hates [[Tau]]. One episode implies that it is because [[Shadowsun]] spurned him for the Greater Go'''OHISWEARTOFUCK THAT WAS ''NOT'' CANON!''' He is named ''Little Kitten'' by his fellow Custodes, for "purring his way so far into their ranks", but his real name is a long seemingly nonsensical word salad supposedly based on his accomplishments... But given how he's been stuck in the palace for the last ten thousand years said accomplishments include things like "Goldilocks-Sunshine-Graham-Corncob". His frequent emotional outbursts despite the supposed emotionless state of the Custodes is intentional and played for humor. After being forced out of the position of the caretaker by his fellow Custodes, Kitten fell into a depression, to which Magnus ominously is taking advantage of by making Kitten his ally in making the Imperium great again and totally not get back at the old man. So far all he has done was kill a bunch of Lacrymoles that were impersonating the High Lords of Terra. It has been revealed that his uncanny knowledge of the outside world (considering the hate of knowledge in the Imperium in general) could come from the Black Library itself. Has become a master of [[Yu-Gi-Oh|Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker]], defeating not only the Emperor (because of his refusal to unplug Guilliman) but also Tzeentch of all things. <s>He has recently been turned silver</s> by Tzeentch while playing a children's card game (again) and winning over Magnus the Red’s soul. As of Episode 27, GLORIOUS GOLDEN ARMOR RESTS UPON HIS BREAST ONCE AGAIN, albeit with a bit of silver. In episode 25, the duo arrived on Nocturne and went to 'borrow' the Engine of Woes. At this point, Magnus accidentally kills Vulkan with the engine, which releases Corvus Corax, who was in there the whole time. The Salamanders and Corvus quickly became hostile to Magnus, however, so he teleported himself and Kitten away. He later gets lost in the warp, encounters Crotalids, and plays COD with Apollo Diomedes and Indrick Boreale. He's now going off to Mars to find and retrieve the Proteus Protocol, a mythical technology that can supposedly bring back Big E, with a retinue of Custodes (including the most FABULOUS dreadnaught in the entire Imperium). Sadly did not appear in Special 6, when the gang played <s>Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay</s> D&D. He and his Custodes henchmen defeat the Fabricator-General in a song-battle and learn the location of the Proteus Protocol in Ep. 28, before his underlings finally accept him and let him know that being cuddly and kindhearted is exactly what the Custodes and the Imperium need in the 42nd millennium (after all, the Imperium has enough warriors. What it really needs is a DADDY).
**Is most likely ''not'' Constantin Valdor or Trajann Valoris, given the latter didn't exist when the series was first made and the former's fate is unknown in the canon. The entire point of the running gag regarding his name is likely to distance himself from any of the canon Captain-Generals. However, it is worth noting that the armor he starts wearing as of EP27 is directly based on Valoris' miniature, though with silver parts thanks to Tzeentch's sorcery, and with the feather on his armor replaced with one of Magnus' instead.
**Episode 28 puts the matter to rest: He is NOT Constantin Valdor or Trajann Valoris.

*'''[[Magnus the Red]]''': The closest thing to a sane person besides the Captain-General (who plays the straight man depending on the situation), and occasionally plays "devil's advocate" as a result. He was retrieved from wherever within the Warp by the sheer plot-armor-powered efforts of [[Cato Sicarius]] and then brought to the Golden Throne, followed by the Emperor bullying [[Tzeentch]] in order to steal back Magnus' soul. Touched, he somehow managed to forgive the Emperor (sort of) and decided to help the Emps with his plan to fix the Imperium, but Emps being a jerk to him is starting to test his patience. The shiny new bike he was given helped with their reconciliation... buuuut, Emprah being Emprah, it didn't take long enough to start insulting and mocking Magnus back and forth constantly. (Nice Dad skills, really). He may not be actively working for Chaos anymore, but he also quickly runs out of patience with his father and is attempting to fix the Imperium without his help, partly because he has serious doubts about his current sanity (which is kind of justified), and partly just to spite him. Fortunately, as a Primarch and a particularly knowledgeable one at that, Magnus can probably get it done just fine on his own. Magnus turns into a [[neckbeard]]ed daemon cyclops [http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/mediawiki/images/9/9a/MagnusEpic.jpg that is a bit reminiscent of his] old [[Epic]] model, whenever he enters [[rage]] mode - usually prompted by any mention of [[furries|Space Wolves]], causing him to flashback to the Burning of [[Prospero]]. He's currently undertaking some obscure schemes with the unwitting aid of the Captain-General Kitten, including the attempted assassination of the [[High Lords of Terra]] and "borrowing" the Engine of Woes from Nocturne. While playing with an ouija board on board a ship with Kitten, Tzeentch arrives to "reclaim" custody of him from his "abusive" father and morphs him back into his Daemon Prince form. It took Kitten playing a child's card game (again) with Tzeentch to keep Magnus out of his clutches. On the other hand, Magnus is stuck in his Daemon Prince form while Kitten theoretically owns his soul (much to his embarrassment and dismay). In episode 25, the <s>couple</s>'''Partners*''' arrived on Nocturne and went to 'borrow' the Engine of Woes. Magnus decides to sneak into the base instead of using his OP invisibility though after a bit of poking at Kitten (it involves Tau, guaranteed to piss him off) then decides to go yell in a North England accent at a guard. The Engine of Woes, a green hatchback car (<s>the infamous Fiat Multipla</s> a Smart Fortwo) then released Corvus Corvax after Magnus killed Vulkan for hugging him, prompting the entire chapter of the Salamanders to pop up and become very hostile with Magnus (which basically equates to ''purposefully'' hugging you so hard your spine snaps, instead of accidentally doing so). Corax isn't happy either, as he was released from his super dark hole after thousands of years, which forces Magnus to teleport himself and Kitten away. Vulkan suddenly super healed himself again and wants to hunt/hug Magnus. Later, when Kitten chooses his <s>army list</s> delegation for the trip to Mars, Magnus seems to embrace his inner neckbeard in a different way. After Kitten went on his trip, he met the Emperor to inform him about their return, and as predicted earlier, he was bombarded with chicken jokes instantly. Surprisingly enough, Dorn was the one who complimented him on his new visage. Dawwww... [[Extra Heresy|Magnus controversially thinks Taco Tuesdays should be held on Fridays While still being called Taco Tuesdays.]] Currently perusing the Black Library for any mention of Cypher. This means we’ll probably see him next around episode 50 as he’ll inevitably get sidetracked and read every book in the Black Library in his incessant thirst for knowledge.
**Magnus is quite fond of tabletop games and created a decent character, Magnar Buckethead, for an upcoming game with the rest of the delegation, spending a week writing his backstory. But since only he and Grand Provost Marshall read the rules, he had to be GM. Then he used Buckethead as a starting NPC that gave a first quest for the characters of his comrades, only to get brutally killed afterwards due to horrible decisions. Seeing his character [[your_dudes|on whos creation he spent so much effort]] getting [[Khorne|Bled]], [[Tzeentch|Backstabbed]], [[Nurgle|Being thrown shit at (literally)]] and [[Slaanesh|Mutilated]] naturally enraged him. Compounded with all the rest of the rail-breaking the party committed on his eloquently-crafted plot, he spent the rest of the campaign he trying to get other characters killed in various ways and failing.

*<s>'''[[Rogal Dorn]]'''</s> '''Lord Ador(n)able:''' Primarch of the [[Imperial Fists]]. Is revealed as the Emperor's personal Centurion, with whom he had nightly cuddling sessions prior to his reveal. He came out of hiding after Kitten brought up the topic of discussing the [[Space Wolves]], where he vehemently suggested not to discuss the Wolves to prevent Magnus from spazzing out. His extreme bluntness is shown to be less because he is an asshole and more because he is extremely oblivious and literal-minded and his stubbornness, a trait ingrained also in his legion, grants him such a closed-minded view and lack of understanding of social situations that he almost always fails to read sub-texts or commonly understood jokes/innuendos. Then again, given at one point he drops his stoic facade to chuckle at the Emperor being hypocritical about skeleton worship (while claiming his favorite humor is actually the analysis of reality, e.g. "Slapping your hands together to make noise is a strange way of expressing praise"), he could just be trolling everyone by acting the laconic fool in response to "fool-proof" metaphors. Additionally, in episode 24 it is greatly implied he is fully aware of everything going on, including the Emperor's plans, implying he has some form of "super-sanity". Or maybe it's due to using a fucking chainsword to scratch his head. Before his disappearance, he used to consult his "magic pain glove" until his hand fell off. Despite his eccentricities and his probable inability to understand sarcasm, he can still make surprisingly lucid observations such as that the End Times are coming and that not even the Chaos Gods will survive the inevitable heat death of the entire Universe. He even manages to, perhaps unwittingly, [https://youtu.be/ihskUz0obzY?t=390 deliver one of the sickest burns yet on the Emperor], leaving him speechless. Actually, nearly every line he spouts is full of unintentional hilarity. Is fully capable of "The Laughter". Also believes fully that the "Taco Tuesday" is the true path, and disbelieves that "Taco Friday" is a thing, accusing his father of being a liar for implementing such a belief, making Rogal start the "[http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/heresy/thedornianheresy.pdf Dornian Heresy]", end of the taco Friday, and possibly the end of Emps---{{BLAM}} Very protective of Boy, to the point of actually becoming emotional at the prospect of him being traumatized, and also willing to risk a fortified window or two in order to chuck the Pillar-stodes from them should they keep threatening the child.

*'''Boy''': A one-eyed young serf boy who operates the voxcaster during the Emperor's podcasts. He has another name, but because he was too slow in saying it, The Emperor decreed that his name is "Boy". Incredibly meek and timid due to serving Big E himself, so he has recurrent bouts of hyperventilation and anxiety. Apart from operating the vox caster, his other role is representing the knowledge of the average Imperial citizen, which is unsurprisingly abysmal due to lack of education (or in the case of some people, the need to make up for their comprehensive education). Recently became more intelligent due to summarizing the Black Templars in their entirety based on weak information and pointing out chapter flaws AND possibly [[Chapter Master (game)|immense numbers of Chaplains and Apothecaries of which even the High-Marshal apparently was not aware off]], [[Administratum|nor the Emperor & company noticed]]. Is friends with Billy, and in the process of bonding with Magnus the Red of all people. Additionally, he wishes to be an Astartes, and due to the fact that there's a Chapter of them who keeps their Star-Fortress Monastery parked in orbit most of the time with their [[Rogal Dorn|Primarch]] being basically his adoptive father, it isn't that far fetched. Recently managed to get the only surviving [[Warhammer_40,000/Tactics/Talons_of_the_Emperor_(30k)#HQ|Tribune]] to dawww at his child-like wonder, and told the Shield-Captain to [[Imperial Guard|"Eat the death-porridge, sir!"]]

===Imperials (So sorta good guys)===
[[Image:Pillar-Stodes.png|thumb|right|From right to left: Wamuudes, Custodisi, and Karstodes.]]
*'''The Pillar-stodes (Wamuudes, Custodisi, and Karstodes)''': Some of the Emperor's personal companions from the Great Crusade days, and the current Tribunes of the Adeptus Custodes. As far as the main TTS-Reaction thread's concerned, their real names are Karius Dolman, Disistan Flavius, and Whamusus Balik. After his interment into the Golden Throne, the rest of the Custodes have shed their armor as a sign of mourning. This, however, has also caused them to become fabulous hedonists, which greatly disturbs the Emperor. Not only do they somehow not take it to a Slaaneshi-tier extreme, they actually despise Slaaneshi daemons the most, much to the Emperor's confusion. They also have no respect for their Captain General and don't even seem to remember that he's their superior, actually [[Just As Planned|taking away his job as the emperor's caretaker by doing something for him]]. They constantly slip innuendos into their conversations, much to the discomfort of everyone involved, except for Rogal (who is too literal-minded to notice). A running gag with them is that whenever the Pillarstodes come into a scene, they would dynamically jump in from nowhere with their own [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUhVCoTsBaM personal theme song], and also make obscure Jojo references at times. The three Pillarstodes' appearances are based on the Pillar Men from [[JoJo's Bizarre Adventure]]: Battle Tendency; a group of fabulously well-built, half-naked Aztec vampire demigods seeking immortality. They do have discernible personalities; the one who makes all the innuendo, the one obsessed with greasing his body parts, and the one who isn't the other two. Two (Custodisi and Wamuudes) wind up encountering Cegorach in front of the Black Library. They manage to gain entrance and retrieve a surprising amount of literature on the White Scars, but are traumatized by the Laughing God & are mentally exhausted from sifting through so much knowledge. Apparently, Cegorach was quite scary, as they are terrified after hearing his "[BAZINGA]" cue; although it may simply be a reference to that one time when two Harlequins managed to enter the Imperial Palace and slaughtered a shit load of Custodes while claiming to have come in peace and simply want to deliver a message to the Emperor (and the best is that [[Heresy|one of them was saved by the Inquisition]] [[Extra Heresy|in the name of inter-species friendship]], in spite of the Captain-General being hell-bent on killing both), so it is actually no surprise at all that some Custodes have got massive traumas. Recently, after the trip to the Black Library, Custodisi and Wamuudes have been semi-corrupted and began spouting Khornate speech and wishing to genocide the normies in the anger intervention against Helbrecht, high marshal of the [[Black Templars]]. (Actually, back in 2nd edition where you could play <s>Chaos</s>{{BLAM|'''REDACTED'''}} bands in an RPG fashion style, there was a tiny possibility for your lord of Choas to be a Custodes! So, <s>Chaos</s>{{BLAM|'''REDACTED'''}} Custodes are (were) canon... and compared to modern Geedubs, this show relies quite a lot on old [[fluff]]). Recently, Custodisi has been theorized to have been Horus’d by Emps after he mentioned the sheer concept of “wincest” within metaphysical earshot of '''YA BOI'''. He later appeared in the 6th special, apparently having been transported to the WARHAMMER Fantasy world, where he encountered the main cast playing at game of Fantasy Roleplay and killed a bunch of their characters. Interestingly, Custodisi lost an arm in this fight, just as ACDC/Elsidisi, the character he's based on, lost an arm fighting Joseph in Battle tendency. Custodisi has since "returned from hell" with a few trophies, a prosthetic arm, and a more humble attitude.
Meanwhile, whilst Custodisi and Waamudes had their heretical swings, Karstodes seems to have been on a path to improvement which culminated in ep. 28 when he recognized how unfair he had been to the captain general and resigned as caretaker. The Emperor was genuinely surprised and impressed by the Custodian's sudden insight, and praised Karstodes for having reached that conclusion of his own volition. Envigorated, Karstodes pledged to the Emperor to continue on his path of self improvement.
*'''Diavolodes''': Another crazy Jojo-Custodes (this one is based on Diavolo from part 5), he appeared out of the blue and asked Kitten and Magnus if they knew who he was, and was content to hear that they didn't. Once alone, he started to laugh maniacally, declaring that soon the new Emperor would be him, Diavodes! Also [[Alpha Legion|may or may not]] be [[Alpharius|a familiar face]] in disguise. He appears about 11 minutes into episode 22, and may have tagged along with Kitten's Mars expedition under the name Lrak (Nude-stodes figure appears during the pan out before Magnus sends them to Mars saying something about "Wanting to play among the Dunes"). Has a strange obsession with piss.
*'''Mars Delegation''': As part of the Captain General's mission to secure some choice intel from the Fabricator-General, he decided to grab a few particular allies from the various shield hosts.
**'''Hammurabi Unferth''': Shield Captain from the Emissaries Imperiatus. Apparently, the entire host is skilled in being passive-aggressive with the guilt trip, and he's the best at it. During the mars trip he is shown to be also pretty good at direct intimidation when needed and that he is a staunch supporter of kitten.
**'''Lockwarden of the Shadowkeepers''': The Shadowkeepers are the shield host specialized in guarding the vaults of Terra and the abominations within, one of which is an archaeotech monstrosity formed from a Singing Billy Bass. The Lockwarden seems to end all his sentences with shades emotes and has a...peculiar manner of speech. <s>He seems to have helped Kitten deal with his break up with Shado</s>'''NOT FUCKING CANON''' <s>and still gives him advice on the ma</s>'''NO NO NO'''. Love is a strange thing, dude ;)
**'''Santodes''': Yep, you guessed it, a fourth Pillar-stodes, referencing Santana from JoJo, and voiced by none other than Curtis "'''Takahata101'''" Arnott himself. Santodes is a FULLY CLOTHED blue Contemptor-Achillus Dreadnought with a fabulous head of golden hair and a fascination for his frame that's on tier with his living counterparts. Santodes had previously been identified as the Custodes who threw himself in front of the Emperor (stripped down to his loin-cloth, no less) to try to upstage Ollanius Pius' sacrifice. Hes also very seductive to Skitarii who find him very attractive (being 99.9% machine of the highest quality)

[[Image:High Lords Text.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''The [[High Lords of Terra]]''': The people responsible for running the Imperium itself. Despite this the majority of the High Lords never really discuss or do anything to the betterment of the Imperium and just act senile, once planning to outlaw breathing for everyone but them. For this reason, Magnus wants them all dead and handle governing the Imperium directly, but Kitten may have succeeded in convincing them not to fuck over the Imperium so much. Apparently, the High Lords are commonly recruited from the Old Folks' planet, a retirement home so terrible that the High Lords have banned ever saying its name. There are currently 5 (technically 7 if you count the Head Scribe and Fyodor) High Lords featured, aside from the Captain-General. The High Lords are currently enjoying their time off/wallowing in misery thanks to the fact that the Emperor has pretty much made them obsolete, especially after he made making new laws illegal.
[[Image:High Lords 2.jpg|thumb|right]]
:*'''[[Ecclesiarchy|Ecclesiarch]] Decius XXIII''': The only non-senile High Lord (so far, there's still more we haven't seen) aside from the Captain-General, who legitimately takes his post seriously, even standing up to Fyodor and forbidding him to shed a single drop of blood from Terra's population ([[rules lawyer|which Fyodor circumvented by using incendiary weaponry]]). For not screwing up the Emperor's plan, not being an overzealous bag of insanity, and rushing to try to save the Emperor when Fyodor stormed Terra's Palace he is allowed to stay leader of the Ecclesiarchy, even as the Emps is disbanding it/just changing every mention of '''God'''-Emperor to '''Man'''-Emperor, due to the fact that he and those who obeyed Emprah now are in charge of reforming the Imperium from the craphole it has sunk in. [[Space Marines|Loyalty to the man rather than the word]] finally paid off. Just about everyone mocks him for his hat, which gets limp or...stiff depending on his emotional state, leading to his nickname of Pope Shafthat XXIII [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pq-6aj9sNvo He proved that despite the crap others give him, he can make some pretty rousing speeches on the fly]. The Emperor is honestly pleased that Decius is genuinely loyal. When told by the Emperor that Emps is not a god, Decius is disappointed, but does not hesitate to accept it because his loyalty is strong enough that if the Emperor says he is not a god, then he is not a god. He also was ready to do his best to disband the Ministorum despite knowing what the priesthood would do to him for such "heresy" because the Emperor said to. Ultimately, his genuine loyalty is heavily rewarded by the Emperor. It probably also helps that the Emperor doesn't force Decius or the Ecclesiarchy to stop worshipping him altogether, just as a God, instead allowing them to worship him as [[Humanity Fuck Yeah|the pinnacle of humanity and what everyone should aspire to]].
:*'''Fabricator-General of Mars''': The head of the Adeptus Mechanicus. Is so old that his voice stutters every time he speaks like a broken version of Stephen Hawking in addition to always speaking in little tunes. Constantly does nothing but insult his fellow High Lords for being made of flesh and recommend they swap out their fleshy bits for mechanical augmentations. According to other Magos, the Fabricator-General is also a massive junkie and party animal, and is currently drunk on margaritas on Mars. Has recently been revealed to be utilizing the Proteus Protocol to survive repeated explosions and orders Cawl to liquidate the Custodes questing to retrieve the protocol. Gets hit very hard on the head by a Dark Angel Crozius Arcanum after suspected of knowing about the Fallen.
:*'''Grand Provost Marshal''': Head of the Adeptus Arbites, who does nothing but propose to make everything illegal. [[Judge Dredd|HE IS THE LAW]]... at least until The Emperor declares the act of making new laws to be illegal, something which utterly devastates him. This makes him surprisingly adept at tabletop roleplaying games as he read the rules and understood them even better than Magnus did.
:*'''Master of the Administratum''': The head of the Imperial bureaucracy. A bit less inept than the rest of the High Lords, he acts like your everyday senile grandfather.
:*'''Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard''': The leader of the Imperial Guard. Doesn't do much, apart from comparing war to the good ol' days. Aware enough to know that the removal of minor luxuries (laxatives, breathing) may have detrimental effects on the Imperial Guard. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUrhqCkYwps Lays a sicknasty dilarius biznasty beat.][https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wo5ro1nWsPU And has the bling to match.]

----

===The Ultrasmurfs===
Very obnoxious and accompanied by the Ultramarine Chant from Chaos Gate. They apparently cannot be defeated due to their literal use of the "holy Codex" from their "Spiritual Liege." Managing to do nigh impossible feats. While the Emperor is not amused with them at all, he tolerates their OP plot armor to do impossible tasks for him such as retrieving Magnus from the Eye of Terror (with their Gellar Field turned ''off'', of all things) with minimal casualties, finding and sneaking the rest of Vulkan's artifacts onto Nocturne, and (currently) outdancing the best Harlequin dancers in the Webway while searching for Jaghatai Khan. Other impossible tasks in the past include using a giant Necron Pylon as a melee weapon, outfighting a Transcendent C'tan shard and killing a Phantom Titan by punching it in the foot.
*'''[[Marneus Calgar]]''': Chapter Master of the Ultramarines. He's currently depressed and frustrated at the state of the Ultramarines where they basically win everything (due to their plot armor) as well as their strict adherence to the Codex Astartes to the point that it's no longer fun, nor satisfying, to win anymore. Due to this, his mood is eternally grumpy, only made worse by Sicarius' constant gloating. He actually seems to care deeply for the men under his command as he gets extremely pissed off when Sicarius put his marines at unnecessary risk to achieve another victory to inflate his reputation, so one could assume Sicarius is the exception. He also appears in a flashback during the second [[Tyranid]] war in Ultramar, where he did battle with the Swarmlord. [https://youtu.be/cB79pnU2f2I?t=5m30s While he put up a valiant fight, he found that they were equally matched, and thus, declared it a draw.] (also, that whole gag is a clear reference to a Monty Python movie about King Arthur, just search up “Monty Python black knight scene”) Blatant hints point towards a deal he made with [[Matt Ward|something]] to give his Chapter more victories (hinted to have begun during the Second Tyrannic War), which he deeply regrets.
*'''[[Illiyan Nastase]]''': Chief Astropath of the Ultramarines. He received a brief mention during Episode 25, when he delivered a message to the Ultramarines Chapter Master, but did not receive any screentime. Marneus Calgar is deeply resentful of Illiyan's existence, and very adamantly insists on pushing him out of the spotlight and removing all mentions of the half-Eldar's existence. Because yes, Half-eldar serving the Ultramarines are canon. (Seriously, why does everyone forget Nastase was never a marine to begin with?)
*'''<s>[[Cato Sicarius]]</s> Cunto Shitarius''': Current Captain of the Ultramarines 2nd company. Rather than an exaggeration of the canon Cato (who is a perfectly normal, bland Ultramarine) he's the physical embodiment of /tg/'s hatred of [[Matt Ward]]: a massive glory hound layered in plot armor, turned up to eleven, where he only cares for his advancement in the ranks of the Ultramarines and not much else. He apparently undertook the mission to capture Magnus the Red. Alone. Without his gellar field turned on, and his survival at such mission greatly pissed off Calgar to no ends (and someone on Spacebattles wrote a thread where he even pisses off Guilliman), who was hoping he would die. He is also very verbal about his intention to take the position of Chapter Master, which ''greatly'' upsets, or rather, very pisses off, Calgar (as Cato's dialogues largely implies that he's better than him and wishes for his death), to the point where he threatens to perform an [[Imperial Fists|"Imperial Fisting"]] upon Sicarius with his Gauntlets if he continues such thoughts. He also has a very egotistical, effeminate voice that can only be described as "the incredibly sanctimonious love child of tinnitus and a jackhammer", and he always refers to himself in the third person. [https://youtu.be/bM8YGsAmeqE?t=1m56s It's goddamn hilarious.]
*'''[[Uriel Ventris]]''': Current Captain of the Ultramarines 4th company. He doesn't have a lot of development yet, but appears as a close friend of Calgar and is the only one who's noticed the Ultramarines' theme of somehow always completing utterly suicidal missions. He comes to realize that some unknown force is tampering with space and time to rewrite history,([https://youtu.be/eG82ruvH0jc?t=120 Probably has to do with an ''itsy bitsy little'' '''SHARD''']) covering up the Ultramarines past failures and playing up their successes to impossible levels, and starts to suspect that Calgar knows more about this than he's letting on. He also loves to talk about the unique green trim in his armor. He ALSO hates Cunto Shitarius. Who doesn't?
*'''[[Roboute Guilliman]]''': The Emperor has regularly made a point of ordering the Custodes Captain-General to have him taken off life-support. Currently, the only reason he's still alive is Kitten winning an epic duel in a [[Yu-Gi-Oh|children's card game]] against the Emperor. The result of his actions and the Codex Astartes horrifies his father. Going by the previous canon of Guilliman perhaps actually regenerating from the wounds that supposedly killed him, the Empra likely wants the time stasis field deactivated so he can finally get off his fucking ass. Though if we're going by official canon, it seems that the Emprah's intervention is no longer necessary. Amusingly, canon Guilliman's reaction to the Imperium upon being woken up isn't ostensibly that different to TTSD Emperor's (minus the swearing, bullying, and psychic temper tantrums).

===Team Friendly Crusade of Friendly Friendship===
*'''[[Ferrus Manus]]:''' Primarch of the [[Iron Hands]]. Due to him being dead, he only appears as a skost(skull ghost). Strangely, only Vulkan and Corax are able to see and hear him, leading other people like Magnus to think that his brothers have gone insane (probably because they were at Isstvan V and watched him die). He does nothing but tells Vulkan and Corax that they [[Adeptus Mechanicus|(and flesh)]] are weak. As for the latter "-is weak" statement, Vulkan bonks Brain-ghost Ferrus on the head saying "the real Ferrus Manus would say the opposite, ya' dumb ghostface idiot" which raises some questions about if it really is Ferrus' ghost. Only his head is visible, leading to Vulkan calling him a skull-ghost, a "Skost" if you will.

====Salamanders====
The Salamanders are a bunch of pyromaniacs in Cataphractii Terminator armor, infamous for their obsession with fire. They appear to be severely deaf, and are at least prone to talking in very loud voices, not hearing Kitten freak out next to them or the Ultramarines sneak the artifacts past them while their infamous theme song was blaring, and later not hearing a trapped Corax called out for help. They also seem to be oblivious to their Primarch's perpetual abilities, given that they're utterly shocked whenever Vulkan dies and resurrects again, despite personally witnessing it happen 5 times already, so far. The Emperor wonders if the Salamanders' pyromania had to do with his act of keeping their gene-seeds closer to the candle for warmth when he was creating them.

*'''[[Vulkan]]:''' Primarch of the [[Salamanders]]. After the Ultramarines found the remaining artifacts of Vulkan in secret for the Salamanders, Vulkan returned to the chapter, where his return was greeted with great adulation (VUVUZELAS). He is notably quite crazy, both haunted by the not-ghost with a not-face of Ferrus Manus. He speaks with a distinct South African/Jamaican accent and loves friendship, brotherhood, and cute animals (including Catachan Barking Toads, leading to some snoot-booping hilarity in the spin-offs). Died during his battle with the Beast, after pushing it into a reactor of WAAAGH energy, causing him to occasionally gain an Ork's eyes, violent vocabulary and speech patterns after his inevitable resurrection (which is hilarious when juxtaposed with his normally friendly speech). Dies again after Magnus unintentionally telepathically crushed him under The Engine of Woes, the trunk of which Vulkan had locked Corvus Corax in, then promptly got better within mere minutes. Has used the [[Grimdark|darkest corner of the universe]] as a place to relax for over 9000 years and work on his hobby, Battlemace 42,000,000. He is currently traveling with Corax & the Salamanders across the Imperium before returning to Terra to finish giving the spine-crushing hugs he wants to give to Magnus. Also, as of Ep.27, Magnus suspects Vulkan had his soul fused with a piece of the Ork gestalt consciousness, effectively making him a half-ork. Vulkan can apparently tap into said energies and channel it through his faith in the Emperor, and can also apparently communicate with animals via the power of friendship.
*'''[[Vulkan He'stan|He'stan]]''': Forgefather of the Salamanders. He is seen sleeping on an anvil on fire when Cato Sicarius delivered the remaining artifacts to the Salamanders, literally driving them through the wall of the fortress into the Forgefather's personal chambers. Thinking he found the artifacts in his sleep, he subsequently declares himself to be best forgefather (and doesn't know that Vulkan was actually hiding for 9000 years in a very dark corner on the same planet). He also has a very Girlish Scream.
*'''[[Tu'Shan]]''': Chapter Master of the Salamanders. Rocks a sweet set of dragon armor and has a very knightly manner of speech. Expect to hear the phrase "My Primach!" in some form a few times per appearance.

====Raven Guard====
A bunch of emotional, apologetic emos in Corvus armor with Jump Packs and Lightning Claws.

*'''[[Corvus Corax]]''': Primarch of the [[Raven Guard]]. Apparently spent the past few millennia on [[Nocturne]], trapped in a 3rd millennium smart car referred to as the "Engine of Woes" while writing edgy poetry. Is accidentally freed by Magnus when he uses the Engine of Woes to fight off Vulkan. Currently accompanying the Salamanders on a trip to the Imperial Palace. His personality is, hilariously, one of an edgy teenage goth, with his self-hate and moodiness turned up to eleven. Wants to show the Emprah his edgy poetry. Magnus and Kitten freak out when he appears. Looks surprisingly like John Wick, or Samurai Jack during Season 5 with unwashed ammonia encrusted long hair. Willing to accept his own death rather than bring it upon his friends and allies. Is currently traveling the Imperium with Vulkan, where he constantly acts as the morose voice of reason to contrast Vulkan's joyful insanity.
*'''[[Kayvaan Shrike]]''': Raven Guard Master of Shadows (AKA Chapter Master - '''because why not'''.). He seems to be fairly bipolar, going from jovial to depressed at the drop of a hat. Also makes bird noises. Vulkan noted he was also extremely polite and apologetic; often saying sorry for things that weren't even his fault or deflecting apologies to him for misfortune by saying he deserves it for being neglectful.
*'''Kadus''': In lore, Kadus is one of the most esteemed Space Marines in the Raven Guard Chapter and is one of Chapter Master Kayvaan Shrike's closest personal friends, having served together with him alongside his other friend, Corus, since their time as initiates. In the series, he accompanies Shrike and acts as his more level headed counterpart.

===The Deathwatch===
Who are you gonna call if some nasty Xenos wont leave your basement - call the 'Deathwatch'. 100% guarantee to eliminate the vermin.... and nick its stuff. If not then theres no refunds- as we are probably dead.
*'''Calato''': A [[Deathwatch]] Champion from the Dark Angels. Originally from BEHEMOTH, Calato served under Inquisitor [[Kryptman]], spending more time irritably fixing recaf rather than fighting Xenos. Calato later shows up trapped in the warp with Karamazov and the rest of the Inquisition, where he had the balls to call Leman Russ a dogfucker to his face. Naturally, Russ was not amused. Later they made up over a pint of Fenrisian Ale, with Calato drunkenly embracing Russ as his "uncle... dog... my duncle!" He is later seen fighting against [[Plaguebearers]] during their defense of Khaine's gate, where Wilford forcefully dragged him out of combat after failing their squad's morale check, all the while demanding vengeance.

*'''Wilford''': A [[Deathwatch]] Apothecary from the Ultramarines, who mostly agreed to join the Deathwatch as he is unable to stand his chapter's insufferable self-superior attitude. Originally appeared in BEHEMOTH, but accompanied Calato during Fyodor's assault in the Emperor palace, and subsequently banished to the Warp during that event. He's obsessed with keeping everyone's health optimal, constantly berating and advising them to avoid further or future injury and illness.

===The Dark Angels===
The Inner Circle are a ragingly paranoid group of neurotic basketcases, far more so than in canon. Keep having to make non-circle marines [[RIP AND TEAR |"repent"]] for overhearing them discussing the Fallen very loudly.

*'''[[Azrael]]:''' Chapter Master of the [[Dark Angels]]. He's depicted as an overly paranoid wreck, obsessing about [[Cypher]], the [[Fallen Angels]] and constantly telling any non-inner circle member that reports to them that they're doing nothing suspicious and secretly heretical. The fact that he had two newly indoctrinated inner circle members killed because they stumbled onto knowledge of the fallen (that he spat out in front of them) is played for laughs.
*'''[[Belial]]:''' Grand Master of the Deathwing. His emo personality is hilariously turned to eleven whenever he perceives himself or his chapter as not being perfect, which is every waking second. This curiously allows him to become more reasonable than the rest of the Inner Circle, allowing him to converse with other people that doesn't outright accuse or threaten them. He has an effeminate yet whiny voice similar to Thurston Howell III.
*'''[[Asmodai]]:''' The Dark Angels' Master of Repentance (which basically means "Violent Murdering" to him). Not nearly as a fun police officer as his canon counterpart; his personality is psychotically intense, often telling people to redeem themselves or he'll do the actual redemption. However, given his views on "redemption", it usually doesn't end well (it tends to involve a crozius to the face). He's also as every bit as paranoid as Azrael. [https://youtu.be/M56aycpd9kA?t=19m55s REPENT, MOTHERFUCKER.]
*'''[[Watchers in the Dark|Watcher in the Dark]] (aka Snurko):''' A Watcher that accompanies Azrael, who is apparently the only one of its kind who can talk. It suddenly spoke of Cypher while in the presence of two newly indoctrinated inner-circle Angels, [https://youtu.be/M56aycpd9kA?t=17m48s prompting Azrael to hilariously beat the shit out of it.] His speech and mannerisms appear to be based off Orko from the He-man series.

===The White Scars===
*'''[[Jaghatai Khan]] (Honoured Be His Name)''': Primarch of the White Scars. During the Horus Humbug, he managed to pull off the amazing feat of standing still for more than 20 seconds (while standing on a Razorback going at 200 miles per hour, but still). After the Codex announcement, he may be in [[Commorragh]], as he desired to [[meme|go fast]] and beat [[Dark Eldar|"those knife-eared assholes"]] in their jetbike races. Not much is known about his whereabouts right now, but it does mean that we will get to see him. Also, the Emperor has stolen at least one of his bikes from his room. There are many bets on his character vibrating rapidly in place.
*'''[[Kor'sarro Khan]]''': The White Scars' Master of the Hunt and "the only White Scar worth mentioning". While he hasn't appeared, he is talked about at length in a public broadcast on the subject of the White Scars chapter. While Emps and co. spend more time mocking Voldorius, The Emperor does briefly question why he isn't their Chapter Master, which is probably the biggest endorsement an individual Space Marine has gotten since the Horus Heresy.

===The Black Templars===
According to Rogal Dorn, the Templars are absolute lunatics obsessed with "PURGING WITH MY KIIIIIIIIIIIIIN". They enjoy listening to Linkin <s>Loyalists</s> Purge in their drop pods and ramming swords through Xenos skulls. Actually not that far off canon. They may be slightly improving after being forced/convinced to have ordinary humans, psykers, librarians, ratlings and all other sorts of abhumans in their ranks.
*'''Chaplain [[Grimaldus]]:''' Shows up in a filler short where he tries to ban the holiday of Sanguinala. The other Black Templars tell him he can't, prompting him to go to his bed and throw a loyalist tantrum.
*'''High Marshal Helbrecht:''' Received an anger management course from the Emperor and the custodians and was semi-convinced to teach the Black Templars to not be ''completely'' batshit insane. Also has a voice like that of a clown goblin gargling marbles. Prefers sitting on things that are [[Space Marines|''stiff'' and very ''hard'']] to things that are [[Tau|''soft'' and ''limp'']]. Was very pleased with the prospect of the Emperor shitting on the UltraSmurfs, a phrase he interpreted as being a literal desire to defecate upon them. [[/d/|'''Nasty.''']]

===The Space Corgis===
Renamed by official decree by the Emperor himself after being informed of how everything in their vernacular seemed to have been prefaced by the word "wolf", including curse words, such as Leman Russ replacing the word "fucking" with "wolfing". Their initiation rites for aspirants culminates in sending them through the Gate of Morkai to endure a [[Tzeentch|"squid"]] screaming at them without getting a boner (your guess as to ''how'' that might even occur).

*'''[[Leman Russ]]''': Primarch of the Space Corgis, been hiding in the Warp for eons and has the punching speed of a Super Saiyan. Has a verbal staredown with Karamazov, then proceeds to relentlessly mock him while obsessing over wolves. He also gives a thorough dressing-down of the 3 branches of the Inquisition, as well as the Deathwatch, Tempestus Scions and Sisters of Battle accompanying them (delivering the infamous line "Daemons of Khorne are gonna eat ya out like ice cream sandwiches once your Red Rage begins!"). He even has his own version of the [[meme|Navy Seal Copypasta]]. Despite being a Viking, he has a pseudo-Scottish accent. Magnus has accused him of being a furry-fuck. He is currently teaching the Inquisition how to survive in the Warp by turning them into a drunken mob and killing innocent daemons. This includes pranks of various sorts, such as crank calling Furies, cockblocking a Daemonette at a bar (which actually kills it), ding-dong-ditching Skarbrand, and assaulting one of Nurgle's daemons with a fuckload of soap ''(and a bathtub)''. After learning that Magnus is currently located in the Imperial Palace, he decided to get out of the Warp and go back to Terra; this journey currently includes surviving an army from all the Chaos Gods led by some of the most infamous Daemons, then walking through the Gate of Khaine into Commuragh, and being escorted to the Dark Eldar Overlord Vect, alongside with Karamazov and Kaldor Draigo.

*'''Space Wolves [[Wulfen]]''': Any mention of the Wulfen is normally echoed with someone bellowing "[[Gorkamorka|Digganobz]]" in a demented manner. This is referred within a Youtube short: the Grandmaster of the Grey Knights, Sir Covan Leorac, was presented an image of the Wulfen and he called them Digganobz. And yes, they really ''do'' look like Digganobz.

===The Grey Knights===
*'''[[Kaldor Draigo]]''': The Supreme Grand Master of the [[Grey Knights]], who is cursed to wander The Warp for eternity. Centuries wandering unrealspace however, eroded Draigo's sanity, which might not be a bad thing as his craziness allows him to both stay in the warp without any trouble and murder daemons left and right (remember: the warp is a reflection of the minds of mortals and psykers can influence it to a higher degree. Draigo's insanity and powerful psychic talents allow him to shrug off the madness of the warp, simply because he believes without a shadow of a doubt that he can). He's made several appearances, first is annoying Fyodor's attack force after being banished into the warp by Magnus and later summoned by Kitten to handle Magnus' tantrum, which he does so in a split-second offscreen using inexplicable Mary Sue powers to defeat him. He now hangs around with Russ and company and is the only one besides Russ who can safely traverse the warp sober and troll daemons without his head exploding. Has apparently been sending Daemons (in the form of ordinary villagers, with jobs and families) into the "Super Warp" by throwing vortex grenades at them (given that they're already in The Warp, the grenades would suck them to an even deeper version of The Warp). Unfortunately, his [[Matt Ward|Wardian plot armor]] is not enough to protect him from one of the most powerful forces in the Warhammer universe: bad dice rolls. This shows quite painfully during the battle at Khaine’s Gate, where he repeatedly fails his psychic tests and charge attempts, though he’s still a beast in close-combat, as the Masque of Slaanesh can attest.

*'''Covan Leorac''': A Grand Master of the Grey Knights. He appears in a short video where some Grey Knights report <strike>solid evidence of the [[Wulfen]] among the Space Wolves</strike> FAHCK YOU! DIGGANOBZ. However, Covan is absolutely convinced that they're [[Gorkamorka|Digganobz]] and not Wulfen, even hitting a Knight in the head for disagreeing with. Whether this is a jab at GW heavily basing the look of Wulfen on Digganobs or is in conscious denial to prevent the Grey Knights from waging a costly war upon the Space Wolves (again) is up to interpretation.

*'''Dread Knight''': The Emperor thinks its design is silly and looks like a baby cradle), but the Dread Knight proves to be as brave as it is massive, heroically charging at Skarbrand only to be made into a red paste after it initiated physical contact with him.

===The Blood Angels===
*'''Sanguinius''': Fabulous Fucking Hawkboy, and Primarch of the Blood Angels who is very, '''very''' dead. BUT he can appear lying face-up, head somewhat melty, in the visions/dreams of the faithful. (Though apparently only whilst they are heavily drugged on Ork Fungus...). Bears the dubious honour of being the only person the Emperor will not smack talk about nor tolerate being talked down about.

===The [[Imperial Guard]] (Aka:'Astra Militarum', 'Imperial Army', or 'the wall of guns')===
The billions upon billions of baseline human, GIs, squaddies, grunts, footsloggers, meat shields which does the majority of land based warfare. They normally dont grab much of the medias attention as a image of a man sitting in a soggy trench with a torch and cardboard armour whilst super powered beings and aliens march over them isnt that uplifting.
*'''[[Sly Marbo]]''': [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kXU14hkuSI The One-Man Army] and [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCMNWAJiz5Y Hero of the Imperium!], he first appears in the April Fools episode where he was apparently recruited by Horus. Appeared in the real series, saving Little Billy and some farmers from the Kabal of the Flayed Skull in the middle of their raid on a random Agri-World. Later showed up at the invitation of Lucius to the Slaaneshmas Special where he begins beating up Typhus, Ahriman, and Lucius. While the scene turns to static, Lucius and Ahriman later show up on screen again. They commented that he was apparently a pretty great guy. Lucius apparently mixed up his contact info with Kharn's at one point. Later shows up to save Corvus Corax from the Catachan Barking Toad perched on his head. He's stated to be the single most decorated soldier in the entire history of humanity despite only being a Private, and "his aerodynamic musculature and knowledge of Catachan jungle tree buoyancy" help him "simulate flight" (which is apparently interstellar). Confirmed to NOT be a missing Primarch. Exclusively communicates by screaming (and sometimes body gestures, since he bowed slightly to Corax), specifically the one from the Dawn of War I opening cinematic where the sergeant orders the charge up the hill. He also weaponizes the subtitles of the scream by hitting enemies with them both as a ram and as a club.
*'''[[Ollanius Pius]]''': Makes a split-second appearance in [https://youtu.be/0Vh_N8CpcL0?t=900 in Rogal Dorn's flashback] before being headbutted to death by Horus. (''Shame on you if you don't know this super dude, so read his history now!'') In another episode, the Emperor takes the time to set the record straight that while Ollanius did, in fact, sacrifice himself for the Emperor, a Terminator and Custodes quickly followed suit in order to not be shown up by a mere mortal human. He was not amused by their transparent attempt to outshine Ollanius.
*'''[[Death Korps of Krieg]]''': As of the second voxcast, they can ''finally'' rest assured that the Emperor has personally forgiven them. What the Death Korps will do now that they've officially redeemed themselves remains to be seen, assuming they actually want to do something other than fight and die in battle.
*'''[[Catachan Jungle Fighters]] (pronounced "Kata-kan")'''(by Straken, confusing everyone): Elaborated on in the first episode of "BRO TRIP 40,000: A Tale of Two Primarchs", being saved from a Slaaneshi Daemon invasion by the intervention of Vulkan and Corvus. Armed primarily only with knives (albeit some of the best knives in the universe due to the special Catachan metals) and basic clothing (shirts optional) in one of the most hazardous places in the universe, their survival and natural Space Marine-like physique provides a massive boost to the morale of the Imperium in a manner known as "marketability". Their culture is similar to that of Orks, measuring knife size to determine rank.
**'''Colonel "Iron Hands" Straken''': Leads the Catachan II regiment and is extremely good at guiding(tongue lashing)his troopers. Sly Marbo is also officially designated to the II regiment.
*'''[[Attilan Rough Riders]]''' Mongolian/Hun/Wide sweeping steppe based cavalry. Very superstitious (they try and kill Vulkan!) and hard to be completely converted by the Ecclesiarchy. As is typical of legendary guard regiments, they are brave and self-sacrificing. They can also pilot aircraft whilst still atop their horses (Some suspect the horses are the real pilots).
**'''Captain Mogul Kamir''': Leads the Attilan regiment who are going with the 'Friendship Force'. Likes drinking from the skulls of his fallen foes (a nod to Pre-Islamic Turk practices).
**'''The King of Khanasan''': Head of the Attilan Rough Riders and fellow skull-goblet enthusiast, to the point of draping his entire outfit in them. Voiced by Alfabusa himself.
**'''Starass''': The sole Astropath of the Attilans, and naturally an actual ass. Apparently, more than adequate enough for the Riders, though her language has no concept of the words "mass planetary destruction."

===Sisters of Battle===
*[[Ephrael Stern]]: The infamous Daemonifuge has finally reached the Black Library, but she's none too pleased with the Eldar's selection of food. [[-4_Str|Treads the path of the swole]]. She tells off Cegorach to his face, causing him to sulk off (incidentally allowing Custodisi and Wamuudes to enter the library).

===Adeptus Mechanicus===
*'''Reimleiz the Theorist:''' An attendant techpriest whom the Emperor calls "random mechanicus guy". He was originally searching for a motorbike for Rogal Dorn to use, inside Jaghatai Khan's shed. As of the Black Templars podcast, Emps made him an Inquisitor and then commanded him to find out more about the Omega Vault. He was inexplicably on the floor at the time. Is incapable of making any statement without phrasing it as a question and is constantly asking himself trivial questions for no real reason (such as asking if legs are actually vehicles driven by tiny snotlings). Also has a penchant for slapping his cyberdong on toasters, which many mechanicus adepts around the system appear to be visibly fixated upon.
*'''Dolphan Gruss''': A Magos Explorator sent to Orior by the [[Adeptus Mechanicus|Admech]] to investigate the planet's STC. He is very blunt and dismissive when dealing with "fleshbags", and does so while speaking with a German accent. His most remarkable feature, however, is a drill that replaces his right hand, which, predictably, makes him the butt of many [[anime]]-related jokes, much to his dismay.
*'''[[Belisarius Cawl]]''': He hasn't done anything to Gulliman (yet, anyway), but Rogal Dorn apparently did see him talking with Gulliman about something in the past. Apparently, he's not that great at keeping secrets, as there are rumors circulating about him working on [[Primaris Marines|something related to Thunder Warriors]] that even managed to reach the Imperial Palace. The Emperor understandably expects little to come from this (he will be completely surprised), expecting Cawl's work to be hindered by the Mechanicus' usual dogma. Finally shows up in Episode 28, and all the A.I's in his head have naturally made him crazy (As it should, there's a reason that stuff isn't messed with in canon). Either that or that's all of the personalities he's absorbed throughout the millennia talking through him. He acts as the hitman for the fabricator general, who blackmails him about not scrapping his Primaris project if he kills the custodes. Also speaks like the Master from Fallout 1.

===The Inquisition===
After the Horus Heresy, a new proactive 'Intelligence' force was created: merge the KGB, Gestapo, CIA, MI6, Mossad with zealous religious belief and unlimited power and hey presto:
*'''Lord [[Inquisitor]] Fyodor <s>Karamazov</s> Krazypantsoff''': Inquisitor of the [[Ordo Hereticus]] and a colossal jerk even among inquisitors. When the Emperor disbanded the Inquisition, he went ballistic and led an entire crusade to Terra to purge what he thinks is heresy. Ended up in the Warp via Magnus for his troubles, after being trolled in a magnificent manner by being told he is a fragment of the Emperor. This was all [[Just As Planned|the Emperor's plan for sending out the message in the first place]], to lure in all the more destructive Inquisitors to get rid of them. He's not out of the game yet, though, and is determined to return to the Emperor. He has become substantially crazier after Leman Russ' Warp Survival lessons. Completely convinced he's the Emperor and seems to regret what a horrible father "he" was more than Emprah himself.
**'''Star-Fyodperor''': After a huge messy battle at Khaine's gate, Karamazov became the host of the Star Child. So basically he ''is'' the Emperor for real now. Apparently, the Star Child needed to possess someone extremely entitled and hypocritical like big E himself. Thanks to Star Child basically doing all the talking, planning, and overall thinking He now represents the kind, fatherly side of the Emperor that is sorely lacking from his throne-bound counterpart, complete with dad jokes.
[[Image:Domi.png|thumb|right|''"KILL THEM ALL, KILL THEM ALL!"'']]
*'''Dominique''': Voiced by Gonzo the Great. The sentient scribe servitor on Fyodor's Throne of Judgement. He comically makes fun of Fyodor on several occasions and generally breaks the serious atmosphere that the Lord Inquisitor tries to project. He also has a curious predilection for sandpaper cigarettes and a rapacious drug habit. Died inexplicably during the Inquisition's drunken rampage, most likely due to alcohol poisoning. It is never explained why Fyodor tolerated his nonsense for so long, but as Dominique regularly got away with sass sufficient to warrant a summary execution for a planetary governor, let alone a servitor, and Fyodor is not portrayed as being a particularly stable or calm individual, it's clear *something* was in play keeping Dominique employed and alive.
**Turns out he had a fate-bound duty to mold Fyodor into the Star Child's ideal host, an ill-tempered hypocrite with a god complex. He was allowed to see Fyodor one last time in exchange for that service, then got ferried to the afterlife by [[Saint Celestine]] her-holy-fucking-self to the tune of ten thousand fans weeping manly tears. His carcass is still perched on the Throne of Judgment, but most of the meat has rotted away by now. He's currently interred into a white-and-gold sarcophagus created when Fyodor became the Star Child's host.
[[Image:Mall.png|thumb|right]]
*'''Grand Master Elirush''': A Grey Knight Grand Master, who represents the Inquisition's Ordo Malleus. The most level-headed person in the group, who speaks with a smothered accent that Alfa masks as "waffles" (due to his VA being Eliphas, who is Belgian. If it isn't obvious, that's also the basis for his name). He attempted to avenge his fallen brothers who were killed by Kairos during the battle at Khaine's gate, but mistakenly attributed it to Skarbrand (much to the former's dismay). He was killed after inconveniencing Skarbrand, who despises such things.
[[Image:Here.png|thumb|right]]
*'''Inquisitor Adrielle Quist''': One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor whom you'd recognize if you've ever seen them. A Xeno fetishist, evidence suggests she is actually a tsundere for [[Genestealers]], and only dreams of being held in the strong, manly arms of her [[Extra heresy|Broodlord-kun]]. She appears to be the bad cop of the group with a short temper and a rough, Russian accent. She claims that the letter of disbanding inquisition was written by a genestealer cult under the Emperor's name. While stuck in the warp with Fyodor and the rest, she assaults [[Lord of Change]] Kairos Fateweaver after asking if he's a Genestealer, naturally not caring which of his heads answered "Yes". Even mentioning Genestealers in her presence causes her to fly into a berzerker rage. Later, during the Halloween special, she is apparently able to briefly manifest into realspace, similar to Kaldor Draigo, whenever someone mentions anything about Genestalers. She was last seen during the defense of Khaine's gate while intoxicated, where she mistakes Skarbrand for a Genestealer (further angering Skarbrand as he dislikes misinterpretations) and ascended after being killed by him.
[[Image:Xen.png|thumb|right]]
*'''Inquisitor Donklas''': One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor, who represents the Ordo Hereticus. He appears as an Inquisitor dressed in black and using a bolt pistol with a sight mount (which is exactly from the front cover of [[Dark Heresy]]). Don't let his soft-spoken tone fool you - this guy gets aroused at the thought of executing other people regardless of what they've done. He is in favor of the door-kicking-and-burning-building type of [[Exterminatus]], just like a medieval witch hunter. He is possibly the same Inquisitor as the one in the mask (who snickers arousedly at executing friendlies and wonders where the mask came from). He is so far the only Inquisitor who managed to survive the battle at Khaine's gate, mainly due to "enforcing discipline at the back". He is so far the only one of 3 main inquisitors who has survived up to this point.
*'''Inquisitor Javerticus''': An Ordo Hereticus Inquisitor and the most dedicated and charismatic of them all, and also an awesome singer and swordsman. Sadly, the Grey Knights don't seem to comprehend his awesomely dramatic greatness. Named after the [[Lawful Stupid|obsessive]] Inspector Javert (from Victor Hugo's ''Les Misérables'').
*'''[[Jokaero|Torquemada Coteaz]]''': One of the Inquisitors who joined Fyodor's assault into the Imperial Palace. He shows up after Fyodor's forces was blocked off by a force of loyal Ecclesiarchy priests led by Decius in the palace, but breaches their defenses by throwing a barrel of Jokaero at the defenders. This plan causes Fyodor to lose any respect for him, which solicits a disheveled response from Torquemada, [[Awesome|telling him to get off his Throne of Judgement and tell him to his face or use his multi-melta to do what he's too pathetic to]]. Fyodor backs off and lets him leave. So far he appears to be the only sane Inquisitor, snarling at Fyodor to not execute the Emperor for whatever offense he may pull out of his ass. He's also busy with [[The Lord Inquisitor|making a film]], which is why he didn't stay to see Fyodor's plans go to the Warp.
*'''[[Militarum Tempestus|Tempestus Scions]]''' - A hapless squad of Inquisitorial Stormtroopers comprised of Scions: Grant, Valentine, Matilda, Stuart, and led by Tempestor Cromwell. They constantly bicker between each other due to Stuart's pessimism, Matilda's blind optimism, and Grant's panicky disposition, but is constantly held in-line by Tempestor Cromwell. They're seen during the battle at Khaine's Gate, where they're all surprised that they've somehow survived, despite their [[Taurox]] roadblock being destroyed and the Grey Knights being slaughtered.
**Coincidentally ([[Just as Planned|or not]]), they're all named after Allied [[tank]]s from World War II (probably not, what with their thick English accents, and Matilda's preoccupation with "tankyness.").
*'''Inquisitor Headsmash''': Hangs around on a ship in low orbit waiting for heresy to occur. Has a heavily reinforced Exterminatus button which he gets a LOT of use from - as the name implies, he hits it repeatedly using his head. Has the enviable talent of hearing heresy from orbit. He was about to retire after his 40,000th straight Exterminatus, but due to Draigo, he got sent to Commorragh along with his entourage (which includes a Jokaero and his Exterminatus button). Was the only one in the assembly to resist the fyodperor's psychic persuasion.
*'''Ex-Inquisitor Kryptman''': It's a bit weird that this guy is hanging around since all the other Inquisitors hate him, but whatever. Considered too violent and too hypocritical for the Inquisition, as amazing as that achievement is, he is nonetheless really good at his job; claims he's even able to survive against Eldar mind games by seeing through the truth being disguised as a lie, knowing full well that the humans will assume it's a lie while knowing the Eldar are lying about telling the truth about lying. Also carries a pimpin' cane with a gun in it.
*'''Inquisitor Obiwan Sherlock Clousseau''': Yep, he appears in episode 26 part 2! He's from a more [[Warhammer 40,000: Rogue Trader|'jovial' time of early 40K]].

===General Populace of the Imperium ('Plebs')===
*'''Little Billy''': A running gag character in the series. His appearance is a psychic child who made himself a crude power-armor costume using cardboard boxes, with Alfabusa's grey and blue livery for colors. The gag about him is that Billy is constantly subjected to lethal/traumatizing events, yet still survives to appear again, leading to a joke that he is actually a perpetual. So far he's been: run over by a space marine attack bike, kidnapped and thrown into a Dark Eldar slave pit ''twice'', and implied to have been molested by Lucius after contacting him using a psychic link and suddenly appearing before him, then hunted across the cosmos by Lucius during Slaaneshmas, and hammered in the face by a Deathwatch member before almost getting eaten by Tyranids in [https://youtu.be/mabM64rAd4k?t=25m32s Behemoth]. He's also apparently talked to the High Lords at least once, since the Grand Provost Marshal hallucinates him. To date, the only good thing to happen to him is Sly Marbo rescuing him from the Dark Eldar after some internal deb-'''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA'''-ting.
*'''The citizens of Hive World Purgatory''': Originally appearing in Alfa's Upper Hive games, hive world Purgatory appears a few times in the series proper. Its citizens are extremely idiotic and prone to murdering each other over the slightest suspicion. It's also been the victim of a recent Crotch Rot epidemic, and multiple Genestealer invasions.
*'''The Citizens Of The Imperium''': In special episodes where the Emperor answers mail from citizens of the Imperium (most of which is questions asked by watchers of the series), Loyalist humanity plus an odd Xeno or Chaos entity ask questions of him. These are supposed to be sorted by ''Little Kitten'' and later Magnus as well, but quite a few stupid ones get through to the point that without the aid of the cuddly Centurion, the Emperor's frustration causes Warpstorms which obliterate chunks of the universe.
*'''Detective Bruce Norring''': Appears in the Halloween specials. With most of the Inquisition missing, Bruce is put on the case of chasing down shady heretics on hive world Purgatory, [[Lovecraft|Innsmouth-style]], before unwittingly uncovering a Genestealer cult and nearly made into a genehost - only to get saved by a completely sloshed Inquisitor Quist from the warp.
*'''Hobo Guardsman''': also known as "Hobo-chan." Like Billy, he exists to be traumatized by the grim darkness of the universe. First he becomes an unwilling recipient of Lucius' charity efforts, that being a sandwich made from ''"freshly milked [[daemonette]] [[trap|milk]]"'', then later he gets harassed by the [[Adeptus Arbites]] for adding rat meat to his rations to make them more edible. Fed up with the bullshit, he decides to join Chaos, getting warped away before his planet is destroyed by Exterminatus. He was later seen smashed by Lucius during the Slaaneshmas Special, and then spotted in the Webway with the Ultramarines, and later again spotted in the Imperial Dungeons with the Shadowkeepers. Last seen in the Throne Room, running away as Magnus threw a temper tantrum after being trolled by the Provost Marshal for not reading the rules of Fantasy Roleplay.
*'''Tour Guide''': A guy who gives tours of the Imperial Palace. He gets summoned(dragged) into the throne room and abruptly told by the Emperor to read the names of a bunch of Dark Eldar weapons without any given reason, which he does without hesitation. He may read other lists later. He appears to be some sort of psyker as he could sense Magnus' return before he teleported into the throne room. He is able to bitch-slap Wamuudes to the floor without even looking. Poor guy is also losing his sanity due to all the batshit craziness happening around him.

===Eldar===
After the Eldar Collapse, these Eldar decided that unlimited Lust and Violence wasn't a positive influence to their souls and thus became elfy space-monks, all calm and serene until they decide to fight then its elfy warrior-monks!.
*'''[[Eldrad]] Ulthran:''' Eldar Farseer of Craftworld Ulthwé who is one of the biggest dicks in the Galaxy. Is preparing to do pretty much exactly what he ends up doing in Gathering Storm. Tried to convince Asdrubael Vect to distract the Imperium while he attempts to awaken [[Ynnead]], but to no avail. Apparently, he's already contacted Cypher at least once before and seeks to do the same with "the Machine-man from Mars" (most likely Cawl).
*'''[[Cegorach]]''': The Laughing God, shown guarding the Black Library. He encounters Ahriman trying to enter and forcefully boots him out after a bit of trolling. Cegorach has his own spectral audience that laughs at his jokes, and even a voice that adds '''[BAZINGA.]''' to his punchlines. He is plotting the demise of the [[Flesh Eaters]] for saying his Harlequins are in poor taste. In both meanings of the word.
*'''[[Isha]]''': Despite being a kidnapping victim initially, Isha is now (due to Stockholm Syndrome) in a “loving” relationship with Nurgle. She hates Tzeentch and Slaanesh, mocking the former and encouraging Nurgle to plague the latter.
*'''[[Khaine]]''': Disappointed and annoyed by all the young Gods around him, sounds like an old man beat-down by life. He mostly hangs out in the warp chat and goes to the gym with Khorne.

===Dark Eldar===
The true descendants after the collapse of the Eldar Empire. There are A LOT of Dark Eldar living in their webway city of Commorragh and with access to a ton of lethal weaponry, its impractical to invade their realm without leaving yourself open to other forces’ attacks.
*'''[[Asdrubael Vect]]:''' Dark Eldar leader who is another one of the biggest dicks in the Galaxy. Is completely disinterested if not mildly amused/irritated with Eldrad's plans and his insistence on dragging him in; believing both Eldrad's visions and Ynnead to be utter nonsense unworthy of his time after 10,000 years worth of pessimistic doomsaying. He appears to have plans of his own that seem to involve Leman Russ, Karamazov, and/or Kaldor Draigo, who emerge from the Gate of Khaine just as he finishes his conversation with Eldrad. Has a habit of setting up violent, hedonistic parties before gassing all the guests (including all rivals) after he leaves early.
*'''[[Lady Malys]]:''' Vect's bitter ex (don't say that to her face, though) who wants to take over Commorragh because "Vect's a prick." Seems to have been taken over by Cegorach, which is not surprising given real lore had her conduct heart transplant surgery on herself with Cegorach's crystal heart. Also French. [[Magical Realm|Sexily]] so.
*'''[[Archon Tahril]]:''' An Archon who is reluctantly under Malys' employment and passive-aggressively lets her know whenever he has to talk to her. He deals with her personality quirks reluctantly. Is also secretly an agent of the C'tan known as the Deceiver.

===Adversaries===
*'''[[Abaddon the Despoiler]]''': Has yet to personally appear in the series, but has so far has been contacting various Chaos Champions to enlist their help with the next Black Crusade. He will ALSO be voiced by the aforementioned Takahata101 (Nappa and [[Hellsing|'''THE CRIMSON FUCKER''']]) of Team Four Star fame.
*'''[[Fulgrim]]''': Has yet to personally appear in the series, but appears to have already joined Abaddon in his plans. He makes his appearance as the person who called Lucius to get him to join Abaddon. Based on the [[Vulkan|current]] [[Corvus Corax|trend]], it wouldn’t be too surprising if he, too, can see Ferrus Manus’s ghost, especially considering he was the one who ''killed him'' and all that.
*'''The Gods of [[Chaos|<s>Chaos</s> <s>Choas</s> <s>Chaos</s> <s>Choas</s> <s>Chaos</s> <s>Choas</s> chaos]]''': The gods here are less chaotic than their canon counterparts. More-or-less they just sit around and talk to each other, the way they did prior to the Emperor showing up and making plans to wreck their collective shit.
**[[Tzeentch]] is a petty schoolyard bully/prankster who also likes to engage in pointlessly overthought pseudo-philosophy. He also plays Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth-Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker, shamelessly abusing a [[Yu-Gi-Oh#Archetype|hybrid Spellbook/Jar]] deck made [[WAAC|ENTIRELY FROM BANNED CARDS]]. So far, he is the most prominently featured of the Chaos Gods. Tzeentch lurks behind the Gate of Morkai, fucking with the aspirants sent through by Space Wolves priests; if they're to be believed, he's done something involving "wolf tits" at least once, and [[Wat|Emprah only knows how we're supposed to interpret that]].
**[[Slaanesh]] is a hyperactive masochistic camwhore who steals from Khorne and trolls him and others with sexual innuendos.
**[[Khorne]] is the only half-way normal Chaos God (if that term could ever be applied to the Gods), who is often heard screaming at Slaanesh for being a creepy whore. Has a fairly good relationship with Khaine, though, and they work out together at the gym - he never skips leg day, unlike the Emperor. Ironically, despite being the most prominently featured Chaos God in canon, he's made far fewer on-screen appearances than the other Gods.
**[[Nurgle]] is the only one actually doing any scheming. Has a voice that's really hard to understand without subtitles, and is more focused on his waifu Isha than actually doing anything. When he's upset, he known to release extremely potent [[Wikipedia:Tinea cruris|Crotch]] [[Wikipedia:Candidal intertrigo|Rot]] on Hive-Worlds, which is as nasty as it sounds.
**[[Malal]] makes several short appearances, conversing with the various gods on Spacebook where he declares he will ruin everyone once he becomes canon again by escaping the "Retconnian" (a dimension where the Squats, Horus' soul, and other things that don't exist anymore are banished to) and a second time is shown to exist in a pocket outside canon where he is able to influence things that are canon in subtle ways using the [[Dark Heresy|"Tyrant Star", a wandering sun that gives off black light and incites anarchy and chaos on whatever planet it shines on]]. It appears that his obsession to become relevant again is a harmful one, as Horus and a Squat talk him down from his attempts and console him when he breaks down crying about his futile attempts.
**The [[Great Horned Rat]] appears as a joke to cancel Slaaneshmas forever due to Slaanesh getting demoted in Age of Sigmar and announces "Great Horned Rat Day" as its replacement. Enjoys mocking "non-existent" lesser Chaos Gods and seems to be incapable of not breaking the fourth wall. Coughs near-constantly.
*'''[[Lucius the Eternal]]''': Slaanesh's premier champion, who sounds like what would happen if Mickey Mouse turned to Slaanesh and became a drag queen in the process (his first appearance is a direct reference to [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g56q3j8NAcw this]). First shown fucking up some Imperial Guardsmen (in all senses of the word) with his warband, laughing like a maniac all the while. He then got a call from Fulgrim, inviting him and his band to join one of Abaddon's [[Black Crusade|"huge parties"]], which he accepted. His absolutely creepy portrayal in the series is quickly becoming one of the scariest (and most enjoyable) things in the franchise, sorta an impressive achievement. Runs a prank show in his spare time, and posts the results to Spacebook. Also planned the 'Slaaneshmas' holiday event, which is broadcast to the whole universe to spread goodwill to humans and overall death to xeno species. Lucius makes a great holo vid host.
*'''[[Ahzek Ahriman]]''': Most powerful sorcerer of the [[Thousand Sons]]. Appears in a short scene where he finally gets access to the [[Black Library]], only to be dicked with, and eventually booted out by [[Cegorach]]. Decided to quit trying to get into the Black Library for a while and take a break, but decided against the latter after being summoned by Abaddon for the Black Crusade. Teamed up with Lucius for Slaaneshmas for the shits and giggles. So far appears to the only rational Chaos Space Marine, acting as a snarky straight man to the antics of the others. On a side-note, he [[Old Man Henderson|huffs grimoires of Big Bad Jujus]], which impresses Lucius. He apparently wants to murder the stars as he finds them too bright for his taste. At the end, he gives a speech about how despite the different worldviews, both sides are still humans and offers the Imperium to have one day per year when instead of killing each other, both sides would have a ceasefire and unite to exterminate aliens instead. Imperials were oddly receptive to that idea...
*'''[[Typhus]]''': Chaos Lord of the [[Death Guard]]. Has the voice of Gilbert Gottfried, with a Strong resemblance to the voice of Real life Comedian Norm McDonald, or Gilbert Gottfried, which he uses to read [[Squad Broken|erotic fanfiction]] for Lucius. Like the other chaos champions, he's been summoned by Abaddon for the Black Crusade. Later shows up to the Slaaneshmas Special to talk about his latest book, which is just his own shit smeared on every page.
*'''[[Kharn|Khârn the Betrayer]]''': The most infamous Khornate Berserker in the World Eaters. He has yet to appear directly in the show; Lucius invited him by Vox to the Slaaneshmas special but only received angry grunts in reply, leading Lucius to believe Angron picked up instead. Apparently, Lucius also mixed up his contact info with Sly Marbo at one point.
*'''[[Huron Blackheart]]''': We cannot confirm his appearance in the series proper, but it appears that he is with [[Abaddon]] in the Season 3 intro, perhaps pointing to an alliance of sorts. Why in the all the names of Chaos he is there, only Alfa (or maybe his voice actor) know.
*'''[[Fabius Bile|<strike>Fabius</strike> <strike>FABULOUS Bile</strike> Bob]]''': Joins in on Lucius' and Ahriman's Slaaneshmas special to announce that he's starting a solo Black Crusade to show up that man-baby Abbadon. Is triggered very seriously if called Bob. He's clearly insane, insisting that a solo Black Crusade means doing things on his own, which even Lucius thought was crazy, not helped by Bile following up by boasting he can clone anyone. He showed off an abomination of a clone of Ahriman (which psychically self-destructed) during the Slaaneshmas Special. Naturally, Ahriman was horrified and disgusted and even Lucius was disturbed.
*'''[[Miriael Sabathiel]]''': The infamous Chaos Sororita shows up, only to get dismissed everywhere she goes and not be taken seriously. Upon learning it was Slaaneshmas, she dons a Santa hat and joins the fun. Earlier, she was in a bad mood for being talked down by a captured Inquisitor (before she beheaded him in frustration), lamented the lost opportunity to torment him, and was enraged at some Noise Marines' amusement at her situation.
*'''The [[Tyranid]] Hivemind''': Attempted to hijack the Chaos Gods' warpchat, but was kicked after too many synapses attempted connections. The Emperor claims that talking to the Tyranid Hivemind is like talking to a herd of hungry sheep.
*'''[[The Masque]]''': A Slaaneshi Daemonette. First appears in BRO TRIP 40,000: A Tale of Two Primarchs while attacking Catachan, apparently because an ample muscle harvest (shaped into Slaanesh's symbol) would please Slaanesh enough to end her (yes, a canon her) eternal damnation to unending dancing. After Space Marines show up she flees, due to their artificial muscles being displeasing to Slaanesh and fighting them not being worth potential banishment back to the Warp. Her motives lead her and an army of Daemonettes to the battle for the Gate of Khaine, where she implies some familiarity with Kaldor Drago before trying to bring him down, only to fail spectacularly.
*'''[[Skarbrand]]''': A "renegade" Khornate Bloodthirster; Khorne officially disowned him after he attempted to kill the Chaos God with a strike to the back, but still recognizes his talents. Skarbrand appears in the Warp Hijinks special as a victim of a ding-dong-ditch prank by Leman Russ and Fyodor. He refers to himself exclusively in the third person and, being a Bloodthirster, [[RAGE|hates literally everything]] (it didn't help that all emotions besides anger were throttled out of him by Khorne); when faced with the prospect being outside or inside after being pranked, he actually remains in the doorframe, which he hates '''''slightly''''' less. He later joins the Chaos Undivided daemon horde that assaulted Khaine's gate as it was being opened by the Inquisition's forces, where he further espouses his hatred against everything. Such as named characters, some of whom he fucking murders. Extremely open and vocal about his feelings, funnily enough. {{BLAM|SKARBRAND '''HATES''' MISCONCEPTIONS!}}
*'''[[Kairos Fateweaver]]''': A Tzeentchian Lord of Change. He still has two heads and the second, mottled one will constantly contradict the 'dominant' head while speaking (which Kairos neither seems to address nor notice). First appears during Russ and crew's rampage throughout the Warp, where he tries his usual "Knights and Knaves" shtick on Inquisitor Adrielle Quist - but since she's drunk, not listening and mistakes him for a Genestealer, he gets one of his faces fucked up for his troubles, and holds an eternal grudge against her due to that. Kairos reappears during the battle at Khaine's Gate, where he tries his damnedest to get even with Quist, but had to "settle" for destroying most of the Grey Knights, but his work was mistakenly attributed to Skarbrand, much to his eternal dismay. Funnily enough, he does more damage to Skarbrand than any of the Imperials completely by accident: Kairos' psyker powers hit Skarbrand while he fought Inquisitor Quist, his grudge briefly turning him into a [[Kharn|team-killing fucktard.]] Despite this, considering the rules Kairos follows (in official lore, his heads randomly switch which one lies and which one tells the truth, but one lying means the other must be truthful), that he can tell the future, and that the normally truthful head said "I will have my revenge" (which he didn't) while the normally lying head claimed to love Skarbrand... Kairos actually really does love Skarbrand.
*'''[[Epidemius]]''': A Nurglite Plaguebearer. Fitting for a daemon of Nurgle, he's incredibly polite even under duress, and cares significantly about the loss of his fellow daemons. First appears during Russ and crew's rampage throughout the Warp, where he was pelted into submission with hundreds of bars of soap and a bathtub. He later appears during the battle at Khaine's Gate with a retinue of [[Plaguebearers]], and was enraged when one of them was killed by the Deathwatch. He later commanded a charge against them that ended with most of the Deathwatch being slaughtered, while Wilford and Calato, the only survivewere forced to retreat.
*'''The [[C'tan]]''': The Necron's star gods seem to be wedging their way back into current affairs after being turned into [[Pokemon]] by their servants. Of all of them, only The Deceiver has made an appearance so far, the rest being confined to the paper puppet flashbacks (except when Decius brought up The Nightbringer when he was convincing the Ecclesiarchy that [[The Emperor|Easy-E]] isn't a god).
**[[The Deceiver]], when not playing Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker with the Emperor and pals, seems to be [[Just As Planned|pulling strings]] all around the Materium. Has a special interest in stopping Kaldor Draigo from returning to realspace. Presumably, because he would become the avatar of Matt Ward, the <strike>[[Malal|Fifth]]</strike> Sixth god of Choas, and bring utter ruination to the material realm before the C'tan can bring utter ruination to the material realm.
*'''Clancy''': The traitor menial of an Imperial Cruiser who wants to kill a Primarch, and is obnoxiously polite and civil about the entire affair. His plans fail when Vulkan, Corax and all the other ~~important~~ characters survive the shipwreck he engineered and capture him; his backup plan (Exterminatus from via some "pals" dropping a Melta or Cyclonic-esque torpedo on Attila from orbit) ends up similarly falling short, though he does escape captivity.

===Others===

*'''[[Horus|FUCKING HORUS]]''': Appears in the April Fool's episode, where he breaks into the Emperor's throne room and incapacitates him. The Emperor declares Horus can't win because he's all alone, but says he isn't as he gathered allies while he was clawing his way out of The Warp, all of whom are some of the dead/retconned/obscure characters in the fluff: [[The Beast]] (an Ork who waged one of the most successful WAAAGH!s in human history), [[Goge Vandire]] (the man responsible for the worst chapter in Imperial history after the Horus Heresy), [[Sindri Myr]], the Megarachnids (a footnote insectoid race in the fluff, who were hunted to extinction by the Astartes in the Great Crusade), the [[Squats]] (we all ''know'' who they are), [[Hermann Von Strab]] (one of the most inept commanders the Imperium has ever seen, who met his end in the 3rd War of Armageddon), the [[Old Ones]], the Techno-Barbarians of olden Terra, 3ED [[Carnifex|Old One Eye]] and [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kXU14hkuSI SLY MARBOOO!] (*cue explosions*) He subsequently declares himself as the new Emperor. Later appeared for real in the second Q&A in the "Retconnian" with Malal and the Squats, and calms Malal's tantrum like a parent consoling a child.
*'''[[Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka]]''': Currently beating up the Overfiend of Octarius, as in official lore. It's still unknown where Ghazzy's gonna fit into things, though it will likely be to assemble all Orks into a single Great WAAAGH!! Also seems to love making bad jokes.
[[Image:Cyph.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Cypher]]''': He has a very vague, mysterious plot involving the planet Orior and its STCs. This seems to take place not long after the [[Fallen_Angels#Ophidium Gulf Crusade Incident|Ophidium Gulf Crusade Incident]], as the Dark Angels managed to locate him by tracking his ship. He also seems to be skilled at disguise, as he manages to just waltz right into the Thunderhawk behind Azrael without any further comment. He's on his way towards Mars with the Dark Angels. Sicced the Dark Angels on The Fabricator General for a prank video
*'''[[Gork]] and [[Mork]] (or was it Mork and Gork?)''': The two Ork gods. They're a couple of dumbfucks who argue with each other in other people's conversations on Spacebook, with Gork not actually knowing he's using the Interwarp and trying to figure out how to use it while already on it.

[[Image:Text Marines.jpg|thumb|right]]
[[Image:Eliphas.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Felinids]]''': [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUuvHPr4BGk The ultimate let-down.] Possible inspiration for the news Cats film.
*'''[[Necron]]s''': They appear initially in a mini-episode by Karl. Necrons all speak with low-quality Text to Speech devices, except for the Lords who can afford higher quality devices. (Wait, does this mean the Emperor's communicator is technically Xenotech?) Shennanigans ensue when an unnamed Necron Lord discovers that his lowly minions can't pronounce certain things, so now all necrons make roflcopter sounds as their war cries. '''SOI SOI MOTHERFUCKER'''
*'''[[Stormcast Eternals|Ground Marines]]''': Introduced as a short spoof episode after the release of [[Age of Sigmar]], a group of Ultramarines determined to bring their superior selves to the service of [[Sigmar|"other Emperors"]] enter a portal and come out transformed as Stormcast Eternals, their appearance crushing a small group of [[The Empire (Warhammer Fantasy)|Empire]] Flagellants. Text then appeared expressing condolences for [[Warhammer Fantasy]] fans. Although non-canon, it's a jab at Games Workshop's need to crowbar Space Marines everywhere ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-MzNpMD1K8 as the Stormcast Eternals largely resemble the Space Marines]. Heck, their posterboy group even takes after [[Ultramarines|The Greatest Of Them All]] with the blue, white, and gold color scheme).
*'''[[Eliphas The Inheritor]]''': Makes a cameo in the second Q&A episode having sent a letter to the Emperor saying "Dear Corpse Emperor, Furk You." The episode then cuts to him laughing manically thinking he's so clever before the Emperor psychically punches him, promptly shutting him up.

*'''Ahriman 2.0''': [[Fabius Bile]]'s horribly disfigured clone of Ahzek Ahriman which he unveiled in the Slaaneshmas special, much to Lucius and the original Ahriman's horror. Fabius claimed it was a "work-in-progress", something which caused the clone to become so enraged that it psychically self-destructed moments after.
*'''The [[Angry Marines]]''': ''Might'' exist in the TTS-verse, but nobody knows for sure. "Angry Marines" was a popular answer in a poll on which loyalist chapter best embodies the concept of hatred, but nobody in the Imperial Palace knows who this might be referring to, and it was speculated that it may simply be a nickname. Either way, they were beaten by several other chapters, most notably the Black Templars and the [[Marines Malevolent]].
*'''[[Hassan]]''': First appeared in the Chaos Descends series attempting to sell camels to two of the main characters in the middle of nowhere, eventually convincing them to put up flyers for his business as a form of payment. He later appears in the main series, apparently having sold camels to the Ultramarines at some point.

*'''Voldarius''': An unfortunate Daemon Prince which got the attention of the Pillarstodes after reading about him in one of the books they got from the Black Library. They along with the Emperor and Rogal Dorn publicly mock him for being completely ineffective and incompetent to the point of having to rely on his subordinates to do everything for him.
*'''Uriah Olathaire:''' Yes, its the old man that the Emprah had a theological debate during [[The Last Church]]. His soul was summoned from The Warp by The Emperor, who was horrified that he turned into a Chaos worshiper. Ironically he is perfectly sane despite following Chaos. Unlike their first encounter, this time he actually IS a theologian and can shut down the Emperor's rather sophomoric arguments easily. He worships Chaos Undivided and paints them in a more neutral, legitimately non-malevolent light, highlighting how humanity needs Chaos to stay human and how Chaos needs humanity to continue to exist, making it a mutually-beneficial relationship. He originally wanted to justify the existence of Chaos, but due to the Emprah being a dick; he got fed up and instead started calling him on the hypocrisy of his Imperium and his ideals, such as his constant use of religious iconography and terms (despite wanting a secular empire), essentially doing the same thing old terran religions did to propagate their influence (although with a higher death count), among other things. He was eventually banished back into The Warp after dissing the holiness of the taco.
*'''Alfa Legion:''' Some of the creator's 40k self-inserts into 40K appear in Episode 10 after Emps makes an oddly specific remark about how "THERE COULD EVEN BE CHAPTERS CONSORTING AND ACCEPTING BOTH XENOS AND CHAOS WORSHIPPERS INTO THEIR RANKS. MAYBE EVEN CHAPTERS SO FUCKING RECLUSIVE AND HISTORICALLY INEPT THAT THEIR MERE EXISTENCE SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A DISGUSTINGLY HORRIBLE AND SHITTY FANFICTION." Taking the main TTS reaction thread into consideration, '''EMPS WAS ONE OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''' Currently have their souls contained in a box owned by Magnus, while [[Indrick Boreale|Boreale]] and [[Apollo Diomedes|Diomedes]] have become Magnus' idiot pets.
*'''Asterion Moloc:''' [[Minotaurs]] Chapter Master who appears briefly towards the end of the Slaaneshmas special, pwning a Tau with a Chaos Terminator.

==The Order of The Primarchs' Returns==
During the season 3 intro, the silhouettes the miniatures of all the primarchs seems to appear in the order they will first enter the show, as the order roughly corresponds with their actual in-series appearances so far, though this may just be the order of their apearances, not the order in which they return...

* [[Rogal Dorn]] - Around since the beginning of the series, although we don't find out it's Dorn until Episode 20.
* [[Magnus]] - Pops up in Episode 13 after being captured by the Ultrasmurfs.
* [[Vulkan]] - Returns after Cato Sicarius delivers the remaining Lost Artifacts of Vulkan in Episode 20.
* [[Leman Russ]] - Appears in the Warp in Episode 21, after Magnus banished the Inquisitors there in Episode 18.
* [[Corvus Corax]] - Can be heard attempting to get out of a building on Nocturne at the End of Episode 21, and appears in person during Episode 25.
* [[Ferrus Manus]]- Appears as a <s>'brainghost'</s> SKHOST in Vulkan's head when Vulkan returns at the beginning of Episode 20. Vulkan claims in the Bro Trip spinoff that he isn't the real Ferrus.
* [[Lion El'Jonson]] - Not yet featured, but Rogal Dorn might know where he is. Then again, maybe not. This IS The Lion we're talking about after all. Taking current events into consideration, he maybe awakening soon.
* [[Jaghatai Khan]] - Talked about extensively in Episode 24 and the White Scar podcast. The Ultramarines are on the rescue!
* [[Angron]] - Hasn't appeared in person, though Lucius mentions he and Kharn may be out on business.
* [[Perturabo]] - Hasn't appeared in person, but was prominently featured in a flashback in Episode 24.
* [[Lorgar]] - given a roasting in Episode 2, but nothing of note since then.
* [[Mortarion]] - A couple of jokes have been made at his expense, but he has yet to appear except in a brief flashback where he fell down the stairs.
* [[Fulgrim]] - Hasn't appeared in person, although he did contact Lucius the Eternal to inform him about Abbadon's 13th Black Crusade.
* [[Alpharius]] & [[Omegon]] - Emps refers to them as if they are one person.
* [[Konrad Curze]] - A few mentions, but it is safe to assume Konrad may not reappear in the current era. Emps briefly flashes back to a decision Konrad made that unwittingly starts off the whole Inquisition tyranny; a small portion of his appearance is seen during this flashback.
* [[Roboute Guilliman]] - No appearances, although occasionally referred to in the form of The Emperor demanding his life support being cut off. Hilarious in hindsight, given the events of Gathering Storm.
* [[Sanguinius]] - appeared in vision form during the Flesh Eater short and was spoken of at the end of the second Q&A, Episode 18.5 (may or may not consider the Sanguinor appearing as his first appearance)
* [[Horus]] - No appearances in the main series, although he has been seen in the April Fools and the second Q&A.

==Main Theme Lyrics==
'''WE ARE THE GODS OF THE NEW WORLD ORDER.'''

'''WE ARE THE SOLDIERS, THE LEGION OF LIGHT.'''

'''WE ARE THE CENTER, THE DEATH OF THE SUN (SON).'''

'''FIRE AND FLAME.'''

'''WE ARE ONE.'''

(excerpt credit: Triarii - We Are One)

==Trivia==
* The Emperor's motivation for creating the Human Webway was obtaining [[Love Can Bloom|Eldar prostitutes]], and was affraid the Primarchs would [[Penitent Engine|tie him up]] [[Inquisition|if they heard about it]]. The other benefits were an afterthought.
* The Emperor's nose is plagued by a phantom-itch, courtesy of Nurgle. Tzeentch believes the frustration will cause him to explode, destroying humanity and causing him to become a new Chaos God.
* The Emperor firmly believes in Taco Thursday, whereas Dorn believes in Taco Tuesday. This disagreement causes a minor civil war (A.K.A. the TTS-Version of the Dornian Heresy). Magnus ups the ante by believing that [[Warp|Taco ''Tuesday'' should be on ''Friday'']].
* The Emperor did not create any [[Female Space Marines]] because "girls are yucky."
* The Emperor's left eye was accidentally poked out by Rogal Dorn's iron halo while attaching him to the Golden Throne. However, in older depictions of the Emperor's duel with Horus, it was one of the wounds inflicted upon him (he also broke many bones, burned the Emperor's hair, poisoned him, etc.).
* Some of the Emperor's previous personas included Moses and [[Chris-Chan]].
* The Emperor's shattered psyche can access knowledge of the 4th wall. This is not always available.
* The Emperor approves of the Tau in theory, although in practice only those willing to engage in melee. So basically just the [[Farsight|Farsight Enclaves]].
* In fact, the Emperor is fine with tolerating any xenos that aren't a threat to mankind. Absolute eradication is unnecessary if regulation suffices.
* Despite his intentions for the Imperial Truth involving suffocating the Chaos Gods, the Emperor's attempts at atheism were in fact making [[Necoho|an actual god of disbelief]]... according to Magnus.
* The Emperor can shape the [[Astronomicon]] so that he can flip the bird to the rest of the galaxy.
* Has a known hobby: Plays a children's card game (Yu-Gi-Oh) with a clearly cheesy, overpowered and unfair deck... that, like most [[cheese]], was destroyed as soon as it came across a hard counter. [[Horus Heresy|Apparently Emprah still hasn't learnt the lesson about why using OP stuff is a very bad idea.]] It later turns out that Tzeentch is the only person he can play with. Tzeentch's deck is similarly cheesy, but relies more on combos. Both of them also make heavy use of banned cards and have a rather... loose grasp on the actual rules.
* The Emperor has called for a second Council of Nikea. This one has nothing to do with Magnus; ironically, it's centered on the Space ''Corgis'', and the fact that the [[wikipedia:Woodland Critter Christmas|friendly woodland critters]] of Fenris that the Wolves commune with are actually daemons. We've yet to see Magnus' and Leman Russ' reaction to the news, but it's guaranteed to be hilarious.
* He has also ordered [[Logan Grimnar]] to deliver presents to all the good little boys and girls in the Imperium on Sanguinala.
* While he has a number of colorful insults for his subordinates, including the primarchs, he also has pet names for his sons, such as "my little Magnymagic", "RogalyDonDon", and "my Fabulous Fucking Hawk-Boy".
* The First Founding was originally named the [[Only Founding]], and was renamed after [[Codex Astartes|Guilliman's fuck up]].
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RuE2waTrXKk The Emperor disapproves of the saying "Life is the Emperor's currency"].
* The Emperor's flaming sword sounds like a squeaky toy hammer (at least when he bashed Tzeentch's faces in).
* Magnus identifies with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
* The Emperor believes gold is the greatest color of them all, and that all other colors are equally inferior.
* There is a chance that the popularity of TTS has influenced Warhammer Gaming as a whole. Every big Warhammer game that has come out since TTS has had cutscenes somewhat similar to those of the series, and actual canon for 40k has progressed in a generally similar direction. Some have accused Games Workshop of copying what they like from it, while others say the series inspired GW writers to get off their asses and make something actually new.
** [[Aaron Dembski-Bowden]] is [https://www.reddit.com/r/Warhammer/comments/7igatt/im_aaron_dembskibowden_ask_me_anything/dqykv2l/ confirmed to be "a big fan" of TTS], actually. Ironically, he started watching it after people drew comparisons between Master of Mankind and the series.
* Reading the book ''Inquisitor'' by [[Ian Watson]] causes disgust and trauma to several of the characters present, in no small part due to [[Jaq Draco]] constantly lusting after his [[Callidus]] assassin disguised as a [[genestealer]], as well as the overly long description of the Slaaneshi planet in the Eye of Terror. Even Boy has horrifying visions in his missing eye after what he's experienced. Karstodes, on the other hand, seems to have confused it with an exceptionally weird ''[[Harry Potter]]'' story in a bout of impressive illiteracy, while Magnus seems to halfway enjoy the reading, even if only to riff off several of the excerpts and provide a contrast to the less-than-enthusiastic approach of the others present.
** Additionally, there are apparently in-universe surviving records of fucking [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stanley_Kubrick Stanley Kubrick] briefly considering adapting Draco as his next movie. This is based on the movie ''A.I. Artificial Intelligence'' coming about partly because of a 90-page treatment written by Ian Watson under Kubrick's supervision, a fact brought up several times throughout the podcast, along with [http://www.visual-memory.co.uk/amk/doc/0094.html Kubrick seriously considering Inquisition for his next movie]. Interestingly, this makes Kubrick one of the oldest known historical figures in the TTS-verse, although his name has been corrupted over the millennia.

==Gallery==
===Quotes and snippets===
<gallery>
Image:Text To Heresy.png| If [[/d/]] still existed in 40k you can bet the Emperor would purge it.
Image:NotCanonShout.gif| What happens whenever someone mentions Shadowsun around Kitten.
Image:EmperorSureal.gif| Emp's reaction to most things that have happened to the Imperium.
Image:EmperorDisgraceful.gif| Likewise.
Image:EmperorPunchesTzeentch.gif| The Emperor taking out his frustration on a certain [[Tzeentch|indecisive mollusk]].
Image:MagnusRant.gif| Magnus is not a fan of the Imperium's general intelligence levels.
Image:DeciusHatBoner.gif| What passes for "Religious Ecstasy" in the Ecclesiarchy.
Image:UltraFucknCrying.gif| Calgar's disappointment over the flanderization of the Ultramarines is palpable.
Image:PillarstodesEntrance.gif| [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUhVCoTsBaM| *Cue Awaken.mp3*]
Image:AhrimanEXCUSEME.gif| Ahriman is a very grumpy boss.
Image:SlaaneshPatrol.gif| If you hear EDM outside, don't answer the door. EVER.
Image:HighLordsIllegal.gif| The High Lords in a nutshell.
Image:SuddenlyDaemons.gif| Magnus' original fuckup barely fazed him at the time.
Image:EmperorSpanking.jpg| The Emperor is the ideal father figure.
Image:UltraSmurfingNecrons.gif| Calgar engaging in a little Ultraviolence.
Image:RussWolfWarfare.jpg| Leman Russ' version of the infamous Navy Seal Copypasta.
</gallery>

===Fanart===
<gallery>
Image:NOT CANON.png|Kitten with his TOTALLY NOT CANON girlfriend [[Shadowsun]].
File:Kitten and shadowsun tragic story by khornez.jpg|''Tale as old as time...''
File:KittenCustodesbyAdeptusAdamaris.jpg|Turns out the nickname wasn't an accident.
File:NotCanonbyMagnifical.jpg
File:Luscious lucius prankz gone heretical 2016 by sexual yeti.png
File:TTS Rogal by eightball6219.jpg|When a tech-priest asks for a toaster, you give him a damn toaster!
</gallery>

==External Links==

* [https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLyiDf91_bTEgnBN0jAvzNbqzrlMGID5WA The entire series.]
* [https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/WebAnimation/IfTheEmperorHadATextToSpeechDevice TV Tropes's page, for extra references.]
* [http://if-the-emperor-had-a-texttospeech-device.wikia.com/wiki/If_The_Emperor_Had_a_Text-To-Speech_Device_Wiki And a whole wiki to cover the show, too]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqbQ_oKmflM A remix cover of the ending theme by StringStorm, check his other remixes too.]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzPuK1vib_c Not content with his first remix, StringStorm made a second one.]

[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]]