2d4chan - User contributions [en]

1st Membranes

2016-03-19T01:48:02Z

2601:285:103:64A:B546:455B:1C5F:E921: /* Gameplay */

[[Image:1340919488195.jpg|thumb|400px|right|]]
The 1st Membranes were the result of an attempt at creating an [[Imperial Guard]] regiment using the [[Only War]] regiment creation rules.

The regiment is colloquially known as the Exploding Brains. An Inquisitorial Black Ship crashed on a small [[forge world]], where the remaining figures of authority were almost entirely dead save for the IG regiment command already on the planet. The [[psyker]]s freed from the ship were absorbed into the regiment, with many of the former soldiers being moved into command positions, including the commissariat, to better watch over their psychic charges. This huge upsurge in the psychic gene has bred true for the citizens of the forge cities ever since, resulting in an unprecedented 97% psyker population within the regiment - a smaller percentage exists within the population at large.

The uniform consists of a tinfoil-lined helmet, white and grey lab coats, a respirator, and a suit of flak armor. They carry presense goggles, M36 [[lasgun]]s, sandbags, entrenching tools and melee weapons. They are known for being good at melee and street fighting, as well as being paranoid due to their bilious leader. The regiment is also known to have four imperator [[titan]]s.

In one noted battle, they fought against the [[Scraplootas]] [[Ork]] clan, which left the hapless greenskins confused and rather disturbed.

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/19639982/

==Writefaggotry==

"Is this vox-caster on? Uh, right.
Today was my first day in the Membranes. One of the older guys said we were called the "Emperor's Powder-Kegs" but I think he was just trying to frighten me. I mean, we're well trained, no-one's going to actually explode, right?
The camp's actually pretty nice, we've got plenty of rations, and not the usual corpse-starch stuff either, I mean actual food. I haven't had proper meat since throne knows how long.
I took a stroll around the camp today. It was pretty peaceful, apart from the occasional screaming, and the odd mad gibbering, but I mean, that's the danger of being a psyker, right? The Commissar I mentioned it to said they'd be taken care of as quickly as possible. That made me feel much better.
I talked with some of the guys, they're a good lot, far as I can tell. Not what the propaganda says psykers are like at all. I played some cards with some of the other troops and then the call came for lights-out. I'm looking forward to my first combat operation.

Now, if only I could get the voices to SHUT UP!"

"Deliperonacus and Carofelaferrocus said I was a very bad person today. I told the Medicae about them, he said to wear this special helmet he gave me, it's all shiny on the inside. Deli and Caro are both gone now. I got a really good nap around midday, without them both telling me to do things.
I met another trooper earlier, Hera. She's really nice. I spent the afternoon chatting with her, but when I told my new friends about her during poker, they all went really quiet. Said she's an 'odd one'. I don't know what they mean by that, they wouldn't tell me anything else.
Anyway, the order's come through that we're on the way to the frontline! Apparently foul xenos are attacking a holy Imperial forge world nearby, and we're the closest regiment. I haven't seen proper combat since I was bumped through Mental Conditioning when I mentioned my voices to the Medicae in Basic Training, but I've been told it's really exhilarating."

"Thing's have been getting WEIRD, servo-skull. The voices have stopped, thanks to the Medicae's shiny hat, but I'm noticing all kinds of weird things happening. The worst was today on the ship to Phobius IV, that's the forge-world we have to defend, and me and Hera were chatting over dinner rations. She asks me "so what did you have for breakfast, Derik?" And I says, "Slaughterbeast and pickled eggs", and she starts shaking all over, and then picks up her fork and starts stabbing her hand with it saying it was "full of spiders!"
Well I made myself scarce quick-as. She's pretty, but I don't do crazy girls. Well, maybe that one time, but not as a matter of course.
We'll be at Phobius IV soon, I'm really excited!"

"We landed today. In the space port on the northern continent. My poker buddies are all gone, they're in 4th squad and I'm in 9th. I wish I could go in sooner but the Commissar said us rookies need to hang back and let the older guys do the work. I don't know why. We're not crazy, but I've seen 1st squad guards trying to graft their lasguns onto their own arms. I even heard one was halfway successful, 'fore the powerpack exploded.
I have to say, servo-skull, that I came into this thinking the wrong thing, y'know? The ship here showed me that we're different from your normal IG regiment... none of the guys at training tried to swallow themselves whole or bash the windows saying "Someone help, the sun's coming to get me!"
Maybe some of them are a bit crazy. But I'm not. Especially not with my special hat."

"I saw my first Ork today. Mountain of green, he was. Like a giant muscle with a face. Scared the crap out of me, it did.
So me and 9th squad are sitting waiting for the order to go, right? but suddenly there's greenskins everywhere, like they'd just come out of nowhere. We shot them, stabbed 'em and they vanished, into smoke!

That was the scout's hallucination of them hitting our camp taken form.
Then the orks he saw actually hit our camp.

One of 'em, he must of been what, ten, eleven foot tall? Gets the drop on me, raises some giant bloody axe, then I hear Carofelaferrocus, even through my tinfoil hat, he says "LET ME OUT YOU DAMNED FOOL, I AM THE HAMMER ON WHICH WORLDS WERE FORGED, I AM THE NIGHTMARE THAT FOLDS THE DEAD INTO SWORD AND FIRE, I AM THE HOLE IN YOUR FACE THAT'S FILLING WITH THE TEARS OF YOUR ENEMIES, I AM TH-

*A short crackle, and the vox-recorder is reset*.

"I'm... not sure what happened there, servo-skull. Kind of went blank for a minute. Anyways, this voice says to let him handle it, and I do. then for a minute I'm seeing things like I'm behind my own eyes, and all this lightning's coming from my hands, cooking the greenskin like a spit pig. Frightened me something awful, I had to change my uniform right after, I did. But we won the day, and the Commissar said only five percent of my squad exploded, and we saved the camp, so we get double amasec tonight!"

----
They have me loading the ammunition. It's scarier than you might think, though. Picking up those shells with your brain, positioning them in the main guns, and closing the hatch sounds simple and easy. It's not.

We lost 4 last week. Not to enemy fire, we're in pretty good cover. They just turned inside out, or their brain melted out of their skull. The gun goes quiet for a minute, then the commissar is there, putting round after round into your dead buddy's skull so's he don't get possessed.

Each time I lift a shell, I think; it could be me next time. Does it hurt? Am I dead before I feel it? But they tell us that the Emperor saves our souls. That we need to keep doing our part. So I load the guns. For the Emperor.

----
'''Journal of an unnamed heavy weapons guardsman:'''

Last week I received my qualification for duty with the heavy weapon teams. Funny how in other regiments those with psychic ability are given almost lavished treatment, but in ours, its like having two working eyes; not that impressive nor uncommon.

Nevertheless, I was posted with 6th Platoon's Heavy Weapon squad. We've been fighting the orks for two weeks now, I don't think I've ever been so scared. Just yesterday, one of their Psykers, some howling mad xeno clad in rags clinging to a staff tipped with the skull of a helmeted eldar, eyes still glowing, rushed our trench. His brain went out in an explosion of lightning which upon contact with a number of the men fighting, caused several cranial explosions, the likes of which I had never seen.

Hell, this morning Henrik, my loading assistant, took a round to the shoulder. As he lay down to wait for the medic, his eyes rolled back and off came his fucking arms. HIS ARMS EXPLODED IN A SHOWER OF FUCKING LIGHTNING. By the Emperor's Holy Trousers, I can't take much more of this.

With Lance, Freddy and Bogart dead, the squad has been reduced to 3 men, myself included. Henrik's arm-matter royally clogged up the bolter's internals (and ruined my uniform) so I've been posted to the missile launcher.

If I thought the bolter was bad, I hadn't seen shit. Since crews are always in pairs and manning a weapon by yourself is madness, the three of us were set to manning the missile launcher. I would find targets, Todd would man the gun and Theo would load it. Two days ago, one of the Ork leaders, a 'Nob' in their xeno-tongue, came within shouting distance of our foxhole. He bellowed out for the strongest of us to challenge him in close combat. A good third of the platoon got up from cover to fight him, but the Commissar stopped them from rushing.

Theo was overcome however. Grabbing one of the frankly MASSIVE missiles, he took it upon himself to charge the savage. This alien towered over him, one of his arms replaced with a crude powerfist, the other carrying a massive chainaxe. Theo wasn't deterred and prepared to ram the missile right at the monster. The commissar shot him as he ran, but if anything, that only propelled him at the beast at a faster rate. Lifting the ordnance above his head, he prepared to duel the ork.

The combined explosion of missile and warp-charged mind was something I'd rather never witness again. And if the Orks hadn't thought of ramming missiles as melee weapons to blow things up, they sure as warp will now.

----
So, I'm in the Imperator Titan crew. I'm not even up in the Princeps station, but we all have an important job to do. In addition to making sure the machine spirits are all at their best (hard given that the crew here are all psykers), when the call comes in, we lend our strength to the Princeps.

But I tell you, when you lay an Imperator-sized Smite across those Xenos, it's all worthwhile.

----
'''Commanding Officers Log:'''

I've died and gone to a special sort of Hell. There can be no other explanation. Everything since - the crashing ship, the reinforcements, the official regimental commission - it's all just a series of elaborate torments designed to punish me, though Emperor only knows what I did in my life to deserve it.

The Departmento Munitorum botched our order. Three thousand tactical helmets, I asked them for, and they send me three thousand helmets of neatly twisted tinfoil. Three thousand chemical warfare suits turned into three thousand chemist's outfits sewn out of mesh. At least they got the weapons right, though I'm damned if I can get the men to pull so much as a bloody knife. No, at the first sign of combat, they all start shooting mind bullets, or else exploding into piles of goop and ruining each other's uniforms.

At least they've figured out trenching shovels.

My adjutant, Brian Consumptington, is settling in well. As well as can be expected, at any rate. I don't know what backwater-ass planet they pulled him from, but he's never seen a vox caster before. Insists he's hearing voices. I tried to explain it to him, but he just shouted "LALALA CAN'T HEAR YOU!" and pulled his helmet over his ears.

They're sending us to some Mechanicus shithole by the name of Phobius IV. Ork invasion, they said. Looters and Mechaniks, they said. Be prepared for unusual and blasphemous applications of technology, they said. I never thought Orks would seem like a pillar of sanity in this cursed galaxy.

That nutter Hera just walked past my door and screamed at me. "SANITY IS FOR THE WEAK," she screamed. I'm getting stronger every day.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...

Herlitz has become convinced that he is a horse, and has requested to take the vanguard in the Membranes' rough rider platoon. I told him we didn't have a rough rider platoon. He just said, "Yet." and trotted off. I didn't think humans could trot, but Herlitz gave it the old Schola try. I'm almost tempted to have Hera ride him into battle. She's just mad enough to try it, and light enough that she won't snap Herlitz's back.

The Orks don't seem to know quite what to do with us. If they run headlong at us, screaming their warcries, the men have a habit of erupting into tentacles and boils and boiling tentacles and... whatever it was ninth squad's sergeant turned into. I never knew you could fit that many mouths on a creature. So they tried shelling us, but Herlitz has better aim trying to use the latrine on four legs than the Gretchin have firing a field piece. I would call it a small mercy, but when things start going well I start wondering when the other shoe will drop.

One of the xenos leaders was some kind of witch. There he was, on the far side of no man's land, shouting something about squiggly beasts and beating us into paste. There was a flash, and the next thing I knew he was right in the middle of Fifth Platoon, shooting lightning from his eyeballs and turning my boys into little walking mouths. I thought they were goners, but I'll be damned if Hera didn't ride up on Herlitz's back holding his hitching post like a lance. I can't really say they "charged," per se, but Hera gave the witch a smack in the head with the hitching post and it just... popped like a frost melon from the cafeteria back at Schola. I'm requisitioning some horse apples from the Munitorum. I'd say Herlitz has earned at least that much.

Bloody Xymar won't answer my question. All I wanted to know is if he liked corn. Only I've got six ears of it up here in the command chair and I thought I'd share. I thought he was one of the normal ones, but he's been narrating his life like some kind of damn story for the last fifteen minutes. As though an author would waste ink on our miserable little circus.

----
'''Taros Campaign:'''

Day 27 in the Taros Campaign.

The filthy Xenos are putting up a real fight. And it didn't help that 7th and 9th squads both combusted the other day. Not daemons mind you, just fire. Still not terrific for morale though.

One of our Imperators shot down a [[Manta]], so at least their that -even if it was accidental ad midst a Daemon incursion on board that was maiming the shit out of the Princeps (we still need a new one)-

Today I fried my first Crisis Suit, so at least there's that. But while I was frying it I heard a voice tell me to get Joe next who was standing nearby. I managed not to but I must say that voice was very persuasive... And Joe is an ass, I'm sure... no one will miss him.

Day 30 in the Taros Campaign, diary of Joe Joeington.

So compared to how the campaign started, the last 3 days have been relatively relaxing. We made a break through and our Imperator is up and running again (some Admech goon screamed at us about stealing 4 titans and defiling the Machine God's work, but Tobias turned him inside out).

I have killed 3 Crisis Suits so far and 23 Fire warriors and everything seems to be going my way... Except Hugh... Ever since he killed his first crisis suit a few days back he's started talking to himself and staring at me. Real thousand yard stare too, really creepy. I think I ought to watch my back...

Day 36
Whelp
Hugh snapped, came at me in the middle of the night totally on fire (not sure if he combusted or he did it to himself). His right arm was slightly daemonic looking and he screamed "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU JOE!"

Put a lighting blast in his face and melted it. Very unpleasant. James sat in the corner giggling and it caused me to laugh too. I don't think it was very funny but I was laughing anyway.

Commissar Tiberus came by the other day, looked at Hugh's corpses.
"Possession" James said suppressing a giggle.
Tiberus BLAMED him with mind-bullets. I guess there was someone about James that put him off.

That's it for today though, orders to move are coming down.

Turns out these Crisis suits are piloted by genuine blue-skinned Tau, same as the Infantry. A few other guys were talking about them being controlled by the xenos' machine spirits, like the drones. Come to think of it, I've only seen a few of the xenos go into battle without some face-covering mask or helmet on. They all have some slit in their foreheads, no nose, but otherwise don't look too different from us. Disgusting, though.

I'm one of the few non-psykers in the ground pounders. Most of the uncursed are our officers and commissars. Sometimes I wish I shared in their condition, so I could understand these people better. Andares was part of 8th squad, which formed with us in the 11th due to casualties on both of us. Damn xenos. I told Janos to get down but he said he could "see" that the missile was going to miss. Decided to stand up and be a hero. Sure was a hero all right. Anyway, Andares joined with us. We were on patrol duty the other night and we found a small group of Tau sneaking around a dune, maybe half a klik from base.

He and I decide to go pay them a little fire & lightning surprise. I shot a frag in the air with my launcher and Andares made it glow like a sun-sized lho bulb. Then it exploded. I was pretty proud of myself for getting that first shot to land in the midst of about half a dozen of the blue sods.

Turns out one of them lived. I let Andares check him out. Big mistake, I think. As the xeno lay dying and choking on his blood (also blue, kind of purple. Hideous as they are, I'd rather look at a Tau than any other xeno.), Andares gets this brilliant idea to try and read its mind. So he sticks his fingers right inside that slit in the thing's forehead and does it. He stops, and he's silent. Staring at the thing's wounds. I took out my laspistol and gave it the Emperor's mercy.

We get started back to base, and I ask him what he saw in the blueberry's head, but Andares just kind of wildly glanced at me, then sunk his gaze down. Left it to me to look around for any more enemies, sodding jerk. Eventually we trade off our duties to the next shift and go to get some shut eye. Andares scribbles in his journal for a good half-hour. Still wouldn't talk to me. He had some of the blue xeno blood on his uniform, and smeared it over a page or two. I shrugged and nodded off.

Next morning I try to get to his journal to see what he wrote. His case was locked, so I got Hugh to magic it open for me in exchange for a lho stick and half my drinking rations. I don't blame him for being thirsty out in this desert, but I have no idea why he wanted the stick.

So I thumb through the journal. Andares kept regular accounts, usually writing something in there every day, but I skimmed through those. A man's gotta have some privacy in his thoughts, even if he won't give the same privilege to the xenos.. I get to where he was writing yesterday, and there's eight pages of just babbling nonsense. Drawings, mostly. All these circles and cylinders, criss-crossing over each other and running concentric. There were some attempts to draw the symbol the Tau wear on their suits and pauldrons, the kind of 'T' shape in a circle. A few others like it too; other Tau insignia, maybe. I don't know. There were some hourglass-shapes and infinity signs, some heavily crossed out like Andares just drew them so poorly he had to remove their existence from the book, but couldn't do that right either. How do you fail to draw an infinity sign?

Weird thing though when I got to the last two pages. Nearly called the commissar right then and there. He cut off his little fingers. Both of his little fingers were there, taped on, bent in some weird angled, 'X'-like pattern. On the next page, the eighth, the Tau's dried and rather bad-smelling blood was smeared over the page in blotches. I tried to make sense of it but gave up after all I could see were screaming faces and monsters. Must be the desert getting to me. Damn Hugh, I wanted that water.

I know they were his because his hands were taped when I spied him coming back to the barracks. I hurriedly put the book back, shut the container, and walked out to say hi. I don't think he noticed, although the case was certainly unlocked. Another weird thing about him is he kept Regencio, our squad leader, told me he had been mumbling about the number eight all day. Scratched the numbers up to eight into both sides of his lasgun.

I ask around for more info. Over the next two days, I find out he ordered five extra lasgun charge packs from on-base storage, took two off one of the wounded guys the biomancers were trying to fix up (poor Logan. Needs a new set of legs, but at least he lived), and he stole one from me. He stole it right out of my lasgun while we were doing squad maneuvers day before last. Regencio looked at me and chewed me out for "not maintaining proper care of my weapon." I quickly jammed another pack in and when I looked for the one I dropped in the sand, it was gone. I think Andares found out I read his journal.

All this number eight business was really bugging me, so I went to the commissar that night. He thanked me for the information and told me not to worry about it. We get woken up by the commissar and his bodyguards yesterday night (graciously waking me up from a nightmare of swords and blood). They take Andares's case and drag him out of bed, then over to somewhere else on base. Tired, confused, babbling about swords and blood. Looking back on it, I should've known I was getting that dream from him.

Well, this afternoon, after 11th squad came back from an unexciting patrol, we find the base is frantic with activity. Only a hundred of us there, if that, but it seemed like the aliens had brought the fight to us. Our squad rushes inside, or nearly inside, when crashing out of the main gate comes the broken body of the commissar. Sword still in his hand, miraculously. Following after him is Andares, floating a little over the ground, blood dripping from his hands, feet, off his body...like he was sweating it. Lasgun in one hand, other hand spewing lightning. I'd seen half the guys I've been with do similar things, but not the dripping blood trick. Regencio gives the order to open fire, and we do. I couldn't aim the grenade launcher as well this time, but with lightning and firepower our squad bring him down.

Now I'm in the Company Commander's personal Chimera, and I'm being asked how much I care for corn. Thank the Emperor I'm not a psyker.

----
10th squad is jokingly known as 'the berserkers'. We're all biomancers, but we focus on making ourselves stronger more than shooting lightning at our foes. One time, Matt, the guy you replaced, got a crazy idea. We could become an air squad. He had figured out how to grow wings, and started divebombing the Orks we were fighting at the time. Thing was, his wings got covered in what passed for blood, and then he started yelling something about being Sanguinius reborn.

Then his head exploded. Not from a misfire, but from the commissar's bolt pistol. Since then, we've stayed on the ground.

So one time, me and some of the other guys in 10th decided to just hit the guys with some good old-fashioned lightning. So there we are, in the trenches, getting ready to fire when Chaz says 'hold on guys!' Next thing I know I'm in the middle of a Tau artillery line, and they looked as surprised as I was. We took out about 5 of the broadsides, then just started punching our way back through the fire warriors and kroot. That's when we got the nickname berserkers, cause everyone one of us, covered in our own blood and that of the Tau, proceeded to beat the shit out of Chaz.

One day later, after healing himself, we were all laughing about it, if the laughter was a bit hysterical.

So that's why we're called the berserkers.

----
Everyone in my squad used to down on me. When they learned I was just a Psi level psyker, they all laughed. Called me weak.

That was before they started dying. One by one, they'd cry out suddenly as blood rushed out of their nose. During combat, during chow, Laurence even kicked the bucket while apparently using his psychic powers to aim his dick while pissing.

But now, they envy me. Sure, I can't flip a Leman Russ over with my mind, but I'm probably gonna outlive them. Maybe for a few days, anyway, if the Heretics keep up this shelling...

----
It was three days after commencing the Siege of Cabalot that the 13th Squad spearheaded through their lines. What we thought was just a planetary uprising turned out to be a Genestealer cult in full force. Half the rebels were Emperor-forsaken hybrids by this point.

The commander wanted to continue orbital bombardment, but Sgt. Revok said he...heard some advice about a weak point in the wall, and before anyone could say otherwise, the Sarge's entire squad was sprinting as fast as a landspeeder and crashed through the wall.

We lost sight of them for a few minutes, but the sounds told us they found the enemy. Screams, explosions, lightning. I swear to the Throne I saw a tiny raincloud form out of the clear sky and rain buckets of blood on the city.

And then ten minutes later, the main gate to the city drops open and our mechanized divisions roll in. Sgt. Revok was waiting for us, fitting his helmet back on his head and trying to wipe the blood off his uniform. The commander asked him what happened to his squad. Sarge just shook his head and said the Emperor's Mercy had finally found them.

Nobody ever "wants" to get assigned to 13th Squad. They say its the closest thing we've got to a penal unit. Sure its one of the most decorated units in the regiment famed for cracking the toughest defenses, but all those medals keep going to the sole surviving member of the squad. Sgt. Revok.

Revok's a damn good telepath, but there's...rumors about why he's the only one to come out of his squad. Some say he's just that good. Others that he gets his own squad fragged when he starts reading their minds. And some people say its because he's got a "friend" that talks to him, warning him about trouble and giving him a leg up in exchange for some kind of favor.

That's probably just crazy talk, but then again, troopers that talk about that too loudly have a tendency of getting promoted to 13th Squad whenever they need replacements...

----
I was proud of myself. Assigned to the 3rd Shock Trooper Assault Squad, this fresh out of training! My psychic abilities aided me to predict enemy movements, and the chain sword and laspistol were like extensions of my arms. I was ready to bring death directly to the xenos.

What I wasn't prepared for was how literally we are expected to take our name. The first day of training together, they led us to a shooting range, of sorts. Judging by how scorched the targets were, my first assumption was that we'd be familiarizing ourselves with the flamer. Then the order was barked: LIGHTNING, BOYS! ON MY MARK!

We'd all tried it before. Who hasn't, if they have sufficient power? We drilled over and over, blasting the targets to smithereens. I thought I was deadly before. Ha! We are the Emperor's Wrath itself, now! The Shock Trooper Assault corps!

----
In twenty-eight minutes, I will be drinking amasec.

Four minutes ago one of my charges suffered an incursion. He repelled it. He won't make it through the year.

Three minutes from now I'll be done with the paperwork sending him to the front lines.

A month ago we made landing, the energy crackling around our hull putting the storms to shame.

Ten minutes from now there will be a fight over a card game gone bad.

A week ago it started raining. It will not stop until this planet's summer begins, seventeen days from now.

Eleven minutes from now I will arrive, along with the Wardens for 3rd, 16th, and 8th company and the Primaris. We will join in the Unity and with its power force the daemon back into the Warp.

Five minutes from now I will be searching for a bottle; it will take me two minutes to find it.

A year ago I was chained to a post and slowly losing my mind.

Eight minutes from now I will be pouring a glass.

Twenty-five minutes from now I will be covered in psychic frost and blood and the bits and pieces of what was once one of my charges.

Twenty-eight minutes from now I will be drinking amasec.

It will be fantastic.

== Gameplay ==

Psychic Regiment- Almost all units in the 1st Membranes except for command staff are Psykers to some extent. It is highly difficult to give comprehensible orders to rambling, twitchy Guardsmen who dissolve into a pool of goop at a second's notice, so units are given more autonomy than in normal regiments. A unit with this rule counts as a Psyker Brotherhood Level 1 Psyker for the purpose of using psychic powers, with Leadership test being taken using the highest leadership in the unit. Powers that are said to affect the Psyker affect all models in the unit.

*Not This Again!- Should the unit suffer Perils of the Warp the Sergeant will immediately take preventive action with his sidearm. Remove D3 models from the unit. If the Sergeant is not alive to do this, remove D6 models and replace with lesser Daemons, which will always move towards and attack the closest visible unit.

An infantry squad, heavy weapons unit, special weapons unit, veteran squad may take their powers from Divination or Biomancy.

Unique Equipment:
Shiny Tinfoil Helmets- This simple device prevents the majority of the whispers and horrors coming in from the Warp, guaranteed! A unit equipped with Shiny Tinfoil Helmets counts as +1 Leadership for the purpose of taking Psychic tests.

Entrenching Tools- Besides their psychic potential, the 1st Membranes are highly skilled in urban and siege warfare. A model equipped with an Entrenching Tool gains counts as having the INCOMING! special order, givign a +2 to its cover save when it goes to ground instead of +1.

Biomancer (Medic Equivalent)- Is Psychic Mastery Level 1. Can cast Rejuvenation on the squad they're in if the unit has taken losses at the end of their Assault phase. If successful, the squad immediately regains D3 wounds up to its starting amount, starting with Characters, then Heavy Weapon teams, and then Guardsmen. Also has a medic pack granting Feel No Pain, costs 30pts

Guardsmen- WS3 BS3 S3 T3 W1 I3 A1 Ld7 Sv5+

Sergeant- WS3 BS4 S3 T3 W1 I3 A2 Ld8 Sv5+

Lesser Daemon- WS5 BS- S4 T4 W1 I4 A2 Ld10 Sv5++

== Gallery ==

<gallery>
file:Membranes banner.png|The banner of the 1st Membranes, depicting a psyker casting lightning bolts in front of a crashed Inquisitorial Black Ship and featuring a mighty brain.
file:Membranes trooper.png|An Exploding Brain trooper.
file:Membranes commissar.png|The infamous bilious leader, a psyker commissar.
File:1340923541640.jpg|Noted hero Sergeant Verok
</span>

</gallery>

----

[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Imperial]][[Category:/tg/ 40,000]]

1st Membranes

2016-03-19T01:46:29Z

2601:285:103:64A:B546:455B:1C5F:E921: /* Gameplay */

[[Image:1340919488195.jpg|thumb|400px|right|]]
The 1st Membranes were the result of an attempt at creating an [[Imperial Guard]] regiment using the [[Only War]] regiment creation rules.

The regiment is colloquially known as the Exploding Brains. An Inquisitorial Black Ship crashed on a small [[forge world]], where the remaining figures of authority were almost entirely dead save for the IG regiment command already on the planet. The [[psyker]]s freed from the ship were absorbed into the regiment, with many of the former soldiers being moved into command positions, including the commissariat, to better watch over their psychic charges. This huge upsurge in the psychic gene has bred true for the citizens of the forge cities ever since, resulting in an unprecedented 97% psyker population within the regiment - a smaller percentage exists within the population at large.

The uniform consists of a tinfoil-lined helmet, white and grey lab coats, a respirator, and a suit of flak armor. They carry presense goggles, M36 [[lasgun]]s, sandbags, entrenching tools and melee weapons. They are known for being good at melee and street fighting, as well as being paranoid due to their bilious leader. The regiment is also known to have four imperator [[titan]]s.

In one noted battle, they fought against the [[Scraplootas]] [[Ork]] clan, which left the hapless greenskins confused and rather disturbed.

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/19639982/

==Writefaggotry==

"Is this vox-caster on? Uh, right.
Today was my first day in the Membranes. One of the older guys said we were called the "Emperor's Powder-Kegs" but I think he was just trying to frighten me. I mean, we're well trained, no-one's going to actually explode, right?
The camp's actually pretty nice, we've got plenty of rations, and not the usual corpse-starch stuff either, I mean actual food. I haven't had proper meat since throne knows how long.
I took a stroll around the camp today. It was pretty peaceful, apart from the occasional screaming, and the odd mad gibbering, but I mean, that's the danger of being a psyker, right? The Commissar I mentioned it to said they'd be taken care of as quickly as possible. That made me feel much better.
I talked with some of the guys, they're a good lot, far as I can tell. Not what the propaganda says psykers are like at all. I played some cards with some of the other troops and then the call came for lights-out. I'm looking forward to my first combat operation.

Now, if only I could get the voices to SHUT UP!"

"Deliperonacus and Carofelaferrocus said I was a very bad person today. I told the Medicae about them, he said to wear this special helmet he gave me, it's all shiny on the inside. Deli and Caro are both gone now. I got a really good nap around midday, without them both telling me to do things.
I met another trooper earlier, Hera. She's really nice. I spent the afternoon chatting with her, but when I told my new friends about her during poker, they all went really quiet. Said she's an 'odd one'. I don't know what they mean by that, they wouldn't tell me anything else.
Anyway, the order's come through that we're on the way to the frontline! Apparently foul xenos are attacking a holy Imperial forge world nearby, and we're the closest regiment. I haven't seen proper combat since I was bumped through Mental Conditioning when I mentioned my voices to the Medicae in Basic Training, but I've been told it's really exhilarating."

"Thing's have been getting WEIRD, servo-skull. The voices have stopped, thanks to the Medicae's shiny hat, but I'm noticing all kinds of weird things happening. The worst was today on the ship to Phobius IV, that's the forge-world we have to defend, and me and Hera were chatting over dinner rations. She asks me "so what did you have for breakfast, Derik?" And I says, "Slaughterbeast and pickled eggs", and she starts shaking all over, and then picks up her fork and starts stabbing her hand with it saying it was "full of spiders!"
Well I made myself scarce quick-as. She's pretty, but I don't do crazy girls. Well, maybe that one time, but not as a matter of course.
We'll be at Phobius IV soon, I'm really excited!"

"We landed today. In the space port on the northern continent. My poker buddies are all gone, they're in 4th squad and I'm in 9th. I wish I could go in sooner but the Commissar said us rookies need to hang back and let the older guys do the work. I don't know why. We're not crazy, but I've seen 1st squad guards trying to graft their lasguns onto their own arms. I even heard one was halfway successful, 'fore the powerpack exploded.
I have to say, servo-skull, that I came into this thinking the wrong thing, y'know? The ship here showed me that we're different from your normal IG regiment... none of the guys at training tried to swallow themselves whole or bash the windows saying "Someone help, the sun's coming to get me!"
Maybe some of them are a bit crazy. But I'm not. Especially not with my special hat."

"I saw my first Ork today. Mountain of green, he was. Like a giant muscle with a face. Scared the crap out of me, it did.
So me and 9th squad are sitting waiting for the order to go, right? but suddenly there's greenskins everywhere, like they'd just come out of nowhere. We shot them, stabbed 'em and they vanished, into smoke!

That was the scout's hallucination of them hitting our camp taken form.
Then the orks he saw actually hit our camp.

One of 'em, he must of been what, ten, eleven foot tall? Gets the drop on me, raises some giant bloody axe, then I hear Carofelaferrocus, even through my tinfoil hat, he says "LET ME OUT YOU DAMNED FOOL, I AM THE HAMMER ON WHICH WORLDS WERE FORGED, I AM THE NIGHTMARE THAT FOLDS THE DEAD INTO SWORD AND FIRE, I AM THE HOLE IN YOUR FACE THAT'S FILLING WITH THE TEARS OF YOUR ENEMIES, I AM TH-

*A short crackle, and the vox-recorder is reset*.

"I'm... not sure what happened there, servo-skull. Kind of went blank for a minute. Anyways, this voice says to let him handle it, and I do. then for a minute I'm seeing things like I'm behind my own eyes, and all this lightning's coming from my hands, cooking the greenskin like a spit pig. Frightened me something awful, I had to change my uniform right after, I did. But we won the day, and the Commissar said only five percent of my squad exploded, and we saved the camp, so we get double amasec tonight!"

----
They have me loading the ammunition. It's scarier than you might think, though. Picking up those shells with your brain, positioning them in the main guns, and closing the hatch sounds simple and easy. It's not.

We lost 4 last week. Not to enemy fire, we're in pretty good cover. They just turned inside out, or their brain melted out of their skull. The gun goes quiet for a minute, then the commissar is there, putting round after round into your dead buddy's skull so's he don't get possessed.

Each time I lift a shell, I think; it could be me next time. Does it hurt? Am I dead before I feel it? But they tell us that the Emperor saves our souls. That we need to keep doing our part. So I load the guns. For the Emperor.

----
'''Journal of an unnamed heavy weapons guardsman:'''

Last week I received my qualification for duty with the heavy weapon teams. Funny how in other regiments those with psychic ability are given almost lavished treatment, but in ours, its like having two working eyes; not that impressive nor uncommon.

Nevertheless, I was posted with 6th Platoon's Heavy Weapon squad. We've been fighting the orks for two weeks now, I don't think I've ever been so scared. Just yesterday, one of their Psykers, some howling mad xeno clad in rags clinging to a staff tipped with the skull of a helmeted eldar, eyes still glowing, rushed our trench. His brain went out in an explosion of lightning which upon contact with a number of the men fighting, caused several cranial explosions, the likes of which I had never seen.

Hell, this morning Henrik, my loading assistant, took a round to the shoulder. As he lay down to wait for the medic, his eyes rolled back and off came his fucking arms. HIS ARMS EXPLODED IN A SHOWER OF FUCKING LIGHTNING. By the Emperor's Holy Trousers, I can't take much more of this.

With Lance, Freddy and Bogart dead, the squad has been reduced to 3 men, myself included. Henrik's arm-matter royally clogged up the bolter's internals (and ruined my uniform) so I've been posted to the missile launcher.

If I thought the bolter was bad, I hadn't seen shit. Since crews are always in pairs and manning a weapon by yourself is madness, the three of us were set to manning the missile launcher. I would find targets, Todd would man the gun and Theo would load it. Two days ago, one of the Ork leaders, a 'Nob' in their xeno-tongue, came within shouting distance of our foxhole. He bellowed out for the strongest of us to challenge him in close combat. A good third of the platoon got up from cover to fight him, but the Commissar stopped them from rushing.

Theo was overcome however. Grabbing one of the frankly MASSIVE missiles, he took it upon himself to charge the savage. This alien towered over him, one of his arms replaced with a crude powerfist, the other carrying a massive chainaxe. Theo wasn't deterred and prepared to ram the missile right at the monster. The commissar shot him as he ran, but if anything, that only propelled him at the beast at a faster rate. Lifting the ordnance above his head, he prepared to duel the ork.

The combined explosion of missile and warp-charged mind was something I'd rather never witness again. And if the Orks hadn't thought of ramming missiles as melee weapons to blow things up, they sure as warp will now.

----
So, I'm in the Imperator Titan crew. I'm not even up in the Princeps station, but we all have an important job to do. In addition to making sure the machine spirits are all at their best (hard given that the crew here are all psykers), when the call comes in, we lend our strength to the Princeps.

But I tell you, when you lay an Imperator-sized Smite across those Xenos, it's all worthwhile.

----
'''Commanding Officers Log:'''

I've died and gone to a special sort of Hell. There can be no other explanation. Everything since - the crashing ship, the reinforcements, the official regimental commission - it's all just a series of elaborate torments designed to punish me, though Emperor only knows what I did in my life to deserve it.

The Departmento Munitorum botched our order. Three thousand tactical helmets, I asked them for, and they send me three thousand helmets of neatly twisted tinfoil. Three thousand chemical warfare suits turned into three thousand chemist's outfits sewn out of mesh. At least they got the weapons right, though I'm damned if I can get the men to pull so much as a bloody knife. No, at the first sign of combat, they all start shooting mind bullets, or else exploding into piles of goop and ruining each other's uniforms.

At least they've figured out trenching shovels.

My adjutant, Brian Consumptington, is settling in well. As well as can be expected, at any rate. I don't know what backwater-ass planet they pulled him from, but he's never seen a vox caster before. Insists he's hearing voices. I tried to explain it to him, but he just shouted "LALALA CAN'T HEAR YOU!" and pulled his helmet over his ears.

They're sending us to some Mechanicus shithole by the name of Phobius IV. Ork invasion, they said. Looters and Mechaniks, they said. Be prepared for unusual and blasphemous applications of technology, they said. I never thought Orks would seem like a pillar of sanity in this cursed galaxy.

That nutter Hera just walked past my door and screamed at me. "SANITY IS FOR THE WEAK," she screamed. I'm getting stronger every day.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...

Herlitz has become convinced that he is a horse, and has requested to take the vanguard in the Membranes' rough rider platoon. I told him we didn't have a rough rider platoon. He just said, "Yet." and trotted off. I didn't think humans could trot, but Herlitz gave it the old Schola try. I'm almost tempted to have Hera ride him into battle. She's just mad enough to try it, and light enough that she won't snap Herlitz's back.

The Orks don't seem to know quite what to do with us. If they run headlong at us, screaming their warcries, the men have a habit of erupting into tentacles and boils and boiling tentacles and... whatever it was ninth squad's sergeant turned into. I never knew you could fit that many mouths on a creature. So they tried shelling us, but Herlitz has better aim trying to use the latrine on four legs than the Gretchin have firing a field piece. I would call it a small mercy, but when things start going well I start wondering when the other shoe will drop.

One of the xenos leaders was some kind of witch. There he was, on the far side of no man's land, shouting something about squiggly beasts and beating us into paste. There was a flash, and the next thing I knew he was right in the middle of Fifth Platoon, shooting lightning from his eyeballs and turning my boys into little walking mouths. I thought they were goners, but I'll be damned if Hera didn't ride up on Herlitz's back holding his hitching post like a lance. I can't really say they "charged," per se, but Hera gave the witch a smack in the head with the hitching post and it just... popped like a frost melon from the cafeteria back at Schola. I'm requisitioning some horse apples from the Munitorum. I'd say Herlitz has earned at least that much.

Bloody Xymar won't answer my question. All I wanted to know is if he liked corn. Only I've got six ears of it up here in the command chair and I thought I'd share. I thought he was one of the normal ones, but he's been narrating his life like some kind of damn story for the last fifteen minutes. As though an author would waste ink on our miserable little circus.

----
'''Taros Campaign:'''

Day 27 in the Taros Campaign.

The filthy Xenos are putting up a real fight. And it didn't help that 7th and 9th squads both combusted the other day. Not daemons mind you, just fire. Still not terrific for morale though.

One of our Imperators shot down a [[Manta]], so at least their that -even if it was accidental ad midst a Daemon incursion on board that was maiming the shit out of the Princeps (we still need a new one)-

Today I fried my first Crisis Suit, so at least there's that. But while I was frying it I heard a voice tell me to get Joe next who was standing nearby. I managed not to but I must say that voice was very persuasive... And Joe is an ass, I'm sure... no one will miss him.

Day 30 in the Taros Campaign, diary of Joe Joeington.

So compared to how the campaign started, the last 3 days have been relatively relaxing. We made a break through and our Imperator is up and running again (some Admech goon screamed at us about stealing 4 titans and defiling the Machine God's work, but Tobias turned him inside out).

I have killed 3 Crisis Suits so far and 23 Fire warriors and everything seems to be going my way... Except Hugh... Ever since he killed his first crisis suit a few days back he's started talking to himself and staring at me. Real thousand yard stare too, really creepy. I think I ought to watch my back...

Day 36
Whelp
Hugh snapped, came at me in the middle of the night totally on fire (not sure if he combusted or he did it to himself). His right arm was slightly daemonic looking and he screamed "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU JOE!"

Put a lighting blast in his face and melted it. Very unpleasant. James sat in the corner giggling and it caused me to laugh too. I don't think it was very funny but I was laughing anyway.

Commissar Tiberus came by the other day, looked at Hugh's corpses.
"Possession" James said suppressing a giggle.
Tiberus BLAMED him with mind-bullets. I guess there was someone about James that put him off.

That's it for today though, orders to move are coming down.

Turns out these Crisis suits are piloted by genuine blue-skinned Tau, same as the Infantry. A few other guys were talking about them being controlled by the xenos' machine spirits, like the drones. Come to think of it, I've only seen a few of the xenos go into battle without some face-covering mask or helmet on. They all have some slit in their foreheads, no nose, but otherwise don't look too different from us. Disgusting, though.

I'm one of the few non-psykers in the ground pounders. Most of the uncursed are our officers and commissars. Sometimes I wish I shared in their condition, so I could understand these people better. Andares was part of 8th squad, which formed with us in the 11th due to casualties on both of us. Damn xenos. I told Janos to get down but he said he could "see" that the missile was going to miss. Decided to stand up and be a hero. Sure was a hero all right. Anyway, Andares joined with us. We were on patrol duty the other night and we found a small group of Tau sneaking around a dune, maybe half a klik from base.

He and I decide to go pay them a little fire & lightning surprise. I shot a frag in the air with my launcher and Andares made it glow like a sun-sized lho bulb. Then it exploded. I was pretty proud of myself for getting that first shot to land in the midst of about half a dozen of the blue sods.

Turns out one of them lived. I let Andares check him out. Big mistake, I think. As the xeno lay dying and choking on his blood (also blue, kind of purple. Hideous as they are, I'd rather look at a Tau than any other xeno.), Andares gets this brilliant idea to try and read its mind. So he sticks his fingers right inside that slit in the thing's forehead and does it. He stops, and he's silent. Staring at the thing's wounds. I took out my laspistol and gave it the Emperor's mercy.

We get started back to base, and I ask him what he saw in the blueberry's head, but Andares just kind of wildly glanced at me, then sunk his gaze down. Left it to me to look around for any more enemies, sodding jerk. Eventually we trade off our duties to the next shift and go to get some shut eye. Andares scribbles in his journal for a good half-hour. Still wouldn't talk to me. He had some of the blue xeno blood on his uniform, and smeared it over a page or two. I shrugged and nodded off.

Next morning I try to get to his journal to see what he wrote. His case was locked, so I got Hugh to magic it open for me in exchange for a lho stick and half my drinking rations. I don't blame him for being thirsty out in this desert, but I have no idea why he wanted the stick.

So I thumb through the journal. Andares kept regular accounts, usually writing something in there every day, but I skimmed through those. A man's gotta have some privacy in his thoughts, even if he won't give the same privilege to the xenos.. I get to where he was writing yesterday, and there's eight pages of just babbling nonsense. Drawings, mostly. All these circles and cylinders, criss-crossing over each other and running concentric. There were some attempts to draw the symbol the Tau wear on their suits and pauldrons, the kind of 'T' shape in a circle. A few others like it too; other Tau insignia, maybe. I don't know. There were some hourglass-shapes and infinity signs, some heavily crossed out like Andares just drew them so poorly he had to remove their existence from the book, but couldn't do that right either. How do you fail to draw an infinity sign?

Weird thing though when I got to the last two pages. Nearly called the commissar right then and there. He cut off his little fingers. Both of his little fingers were there, taped on, bent in some weird angled, 'X'-like pattern. On the next page, the eighth, the Tau's dried and rather bad-smelling blood was smeared over the page in blotches. I tried to make sense of it but gave up after all I could see were screaming faces and monsters. Must be the desert getting to me. Damn Hugh, I wanted that water.

I know they were his because his hands were taped when I spied him coming back to the barracks. I hurriedly put the book back, shut the container, and walked out to say hi. I don't think he noticed, although the case was certainly unlocked. Another weird thing about him is he kept Regencio, our squad leader, told me he had been mumbling about the number eight all day. Scratched the numbers up to eight into both sides of his lasgun.

I ask around for more info. Over the next two days, I find out he ordered five extra lasgun charge packs from on-base storage, took two off one of the wounded guys the biomancers were trying to fix up (poor Logan. Needs a new set of legs, but at least he lived), and he stole one from me. He stole it right out of my lasgun while we were doing squad maneuvers day before last. Regencio looked at me and chewed me out for "not maintaining proper care of my weapon." I quickly jammed another pack in and when I looked for the one I dropped in the sand, it was gone. I think Andares found out I read his journal.

All this number eight business was really bugging me, so I went to the commissar that night. He thanked me for the information and told me not to worry about it. We get woken up by the commissar and his bodyguards yesterday night (graciously waking me up from a nightmare of swords and blood). They take Andares's case and drag him out of bed, then over to somewhere else on base. Tired, confused, babbling about swords and blood. Looking back on it, I should've known I was getting that dream from him.

Well, this afternoon, after 11th squad came back from an unexciting patrol, we find the base is frantic with activity. Only a hundred of us there, if that, but it seemed like the aliens had brought the fight to us. Our squad rushes inside, or nearly inside, when crashing out of the main gate comes the broken body of the commissar. Sword still in his hand, miraculously. Following after him is Andares, floating a little over the ground, blood dripping from his hands, feet, off his body...like he was sweating it. Lasgun in one hand, other hand spewing lightning. I'd seen half the guys I've been with do similar things, but not the dripping blood trick. Regencio gives the order to open fire, and we do. I couldn't aim the grenade launcher as well this time, but with lightning and firepower our squad bring him down.

Now I'm in the Company Commander's personal Chimera, and I'm being asked how much I care for corn. Thank the Emperor I'm not a psyker.

----
10th squad is jokingly known as 'the berserkers'. We're all biomancers, but we focus on making ourselves stronger more than shooting lightning at our foes. One time, Matt, the guy you replaced, got a crazy idea. We could become an air squad. He had figured out how to grow wings, and started divebombing the Orks we were fighting at the time. Thing was, his wings got covered in what passed for blood, and then he started yelling something about being Sanguinius reborn.

Then his head exploded. Not from a misfire, but from the commissar's bolt pistol. Since then, we've stayed on the ground.

So one time, me and some of the other guys in 10th decided to just hit the guys with some good old-fashioned lightning. So there we are, in the trenches, getting ready to fire when Chaz says 'hold on guys!' Next thing I know I'm in the middle of a Tau artillery line, and they looked as surprised as I was. We took out about 5 of the broadsides, then just started punching our way back through the fire warriors and kroot. That's when we got the nickname berserkers, cause everyone one of us, covered in our own blood and that of the Tau, proceeded to beat the shit out of Chaz.

One day later, after healing himself, we were all laughing about it, if the laughter was a bit hysterical.

So that's why we're called the berserkers.

----
Everyone in my squad used to down on me. When they learned I was just a Psi level psyker, they all laughed. Called me weak.

That was before they started dying. One by one, they'd cry out suddenly as blood rushed out of their nose. During combat, during chow, Laurence even kicked the bucket while apparently using his psychic powers to aim his dick while pissing.

But now, they envy me. Sure, I can't flip a Leman Russ over with my mind, but I'm probably gonna outlive them. Maybe for a few days, anyway, if the Heretics keep up this shelling...

----
It was three days after commencing the Siege of Cabalot that the 13th Squad spearheaded through their lines. What we thought was just a planetary uprising turned out to be a Genestealer cult in full force. Half the rebels were Emperor-forsaken hybrids by this point.

The commander wanted to continue orbital bombardment, but Sgt. Revok said he...heard some advice about a weak point in the wall, and before anyone could say otherwise, the Sarge's entire squad was sprinting as fast as a landspeeder and crashed through the wall.

We lost sight of them for a few minutes, but the sounds told us they found the enemy. Screams, explosions, lightning. I swear to the Throne I saw a tiny raincloud form out of the clear sky and rain buckets of blood on the city.

And then ten minutes later, the main gate to the city drops open and our mechanized divisions roll in. Sgt. Revok was waiting for us, fitting his helmet back on his head and trying to wipe the blood off his uniform. The commander asked him what happened to his squad. Sarge just shook his head and said the Emperor's Mercy had finally found them.

Nobody ever "wants" to get assigned to 13th Squad. They say its the closest thing we've got to a penal unit. Sure its one of the most decorated units in the regiment famed for cracking the toughest defenses, but all those medals keep going to the sole surviving member of the squad. Sgt. Revok.

Revok's a damn good telepath, but there's...rumors about why he's the only one to come out of his squad. Some say he's just that good. Others that he gets his own squad fragged when he starts reading their minds. And some people say its because he's got a "friend" that talks to him, warning him about trouble and giving him a leg up in exchange for some kind of favor.

That's probably just crazy talk, but then again, troopers that talk about that too loudly have a tendency of getting promoted to 13th Squad whenever they need replacements...

----
I was proud of myself. Assigned to the 3rd Shock Trooper Assault Squad, this fresh out of training! My psychic abilities aided me to predict enemy movements, and the chain sword and laspistol were like extensions of my arms. I was ready to bring death directly to the xenos.

What I wasn't prepared for was how literally we are expected to take our name. The first day of training together, they led us to a shooting range, of sorts. Judging by how scorched the targets were, my first assumption was that we'd be familiarizing ourselves with the flamer. Then the order was barked: LIGHTNING, BOYS! ON MY MARK!

We'd all tried it before. Who hasn't, if they have sufficient power? We drilled over and over, blasting the targets to smithereens. I thought I was deadly before. Ha! We are the Emperor's Wrath itself, now! The Shock Trooper Assault corps!

----
In twenty-eight minutes, I will be drinking amasec.

Four minutes ago one of my charges suffered an incursion. He repelled it. He won't make it through the year.

Three minutes from now I'll be done with the paperwork sending him to the front lines.

A month ago we made landing, the energy crackling around our hull putting the storms to shame.

Ten minutes from now there will be a fight over a card game gone bad.

A week ago it started raining. It will not stop until this planet's summer begins, seventeen days from now.

Eleven minutes from now I will arrive, along with the Wardens for 3rd, 16th, and 8th company and the Primaris. We will join in the Unity and with its power force the daemon back into the Warp.

Five minutes from now I will be searching for a bottle; it will take me two minutes to find it.

A year ago I was chained to a post and slowly losing my mind.

Eight minutes from now I will be pouring a glass.

Twenty-five minutes from now I will be covered in psychic frost and blood and the bits and pieces of what was once one of my charges.

Twenty-eight minutes from now I will be drinking amasec.

It will be fantastic.

== Gameplay ==

Psychic Regiment- Almost all units in the 1st Membranes except for command staff are Psykers to some extent. It is highly difficult to give comprehensible orders to rambling, twitchy Guardsmen who dissolve into a pool of goop at a second's notice, so units are given more autonomy than in normal regiments. A unit with this rule counts as a Psyker Brotherhood Level 1 Psyker for the purpose of using psychic powers, with Leadership test being taken using the highest leadership in the unit. Powers that are said to affect the Psyker affect all models in the unit.

*Not This Again!- Should the unit suffer Perils of the Warp the Sergeant will immediately take preventive action with his sidearm. Remove D3 models from the unit. If the Sergeant is not alive to do this, remove D6 models and replace with lesser Daemons, which will always move towards and attack the closest visible unit.

An infantry squad, heavy weapons unit, special weapons unit, veteran squad may take their powers from Divination or Biomancy.

Unique Equipment:
Shiny Tinfoil Helmets- This simple device prevents the majority of the whispers and horrors coming in from the Warp, guaranteed! A unit equipped with Shiny Tinfoil Helmets counts as +1 Leadership for the purpose of taking Psychic tests.

Entrenching Tools- Besides their psychic potential, the 1st Membranes are highly skilled in urban and siege warfare. A model equipped with an Entrenching Tool gains +2 to its cover save when it goes to ground.

Biomancer (Medic Equivalent)- Is Psychic Mastery Level 1. Can cast Rejuvenation on the squad they're in if the unit has taken losses at the end of their Assault phase. If successful, the squad immediately regains D3 wounds up to its starting amount, starting with Characters, then Heavy Weapon teams, and then Guardsmen. Also has a medic pack granting Feel No Pain, costs 30pts

Guardsmen- WS3 BS3 S3 T3 W1 I3 A1 Ld7 Sv5+

Sergeant- WS3 BS4 S3 T3 W1 I3 A2 Ld8 Sv5+

Lesser Daemon- WS5 BS- S4 T4 W1 I4 A2 Ld10 Sv5++

== Gallery ==

<gallery>
file:Membranes banner.png|The banner of the 1st Membranes, depicting a psyker casting lightning bolts in front of a crashed Inquisitorial Black Ship and featuring a mighty brain.
file:Membranes trooper.png|An Exploding Brain trooper.
file:Membranes commissar.png|The infamous bilious leader, a psyker commissar.
File:1340923541640.jpg|Noted hero Sergeant Verok
</span>

</gallery>

----

[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Imperial]][[Category:/tg/ 40,000]]

Attilan Rough Riders

2016-03-13T08:33:49Z

2601:285:103:64A:B546:455B:1C5F:E921:

[[File:Atillan Rough Rider.jpg|300px|thumb|right|That explosive-tipped spear is going right up your dick.]]

{{Stub}}

The Attilan Roughriders are a mounted cavalry [[Imperial Guard]] unit originating from the planet of Attila. They are, quite unsurprisingly, Hun warriors in SPESS. This actually makes sense. After all, if the people from the Steppes of Asia (or rather from the Steppes of Europe, as Attila is most remembered in Hungary and other European nations, not so much in Asia) people settled a planet, they'd likely want to name it after someone/something important to their history. You don't have to be a genius to realize it'd be Attila the Hun. As for the whole "Hun" theme they've got going... you'd want to keep your culture alive, too, right? Anyway, they are fierce warriors, born in the saddle (and more than likely dying in it). While they can be deployed en masse, they are more often than not assigned in small units to other regiments that can make use of their swift flanking abilities, but are more often to be used for indirect uses, message runners, scouts, anti insurgency, insurgents, the minds the limit on their uses outside of direct tabletop combat. In battle they employ foul tempered horses built like tanks (and sometimes incorporating parts from them) and use explosive-tipped lances to fuck up your shit.

The [[Only War]] supplement <i>Hammer of the Emperor</i> also gives a slightly unnerving fact about these guys: If they ever run into a point where they can't find edible food or water, and they have their steeds, they manage to make some bizarre sort of slurry involving their steed's blood. Again, they're keeping with the Hun theme here. One can only wonder the effects of this when you have a robotic steed.

== Modelling ==

They are the vanilla cavalry (even called Rough Riders) for Imperial Guard forces and as such are never seen on the tabletop. Attilan Rough Riders are out of production and can now only be found in the dark recesses of Ebay. Only option? Convert your own, fool. Warhammer Fantasy can probably help you with the horses, though some guys try a more 'mech' theme and proxy them as bikers.

Victoria Miniatures make [http://victoriaminiatures.highwire.com/product/rough-rider-legs-x5 Rough Rider Legs] that meld really nicely with the Cadian Shock Troopers torsos and the various torsos that are available elsewhere on their site. They also make [http://victoriaminiatures.highwire.com/product/rough-rider-arms arms with lances]. Other than that, you're on your own!

{{Template:40k-Imperial-Regiments}}
[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Imperial]]

Imperial Guard

2016-03-06T20:19:39Z

2601:285:103:64A:B546:455B:1C5F:E921: /* Memorable Quotations */

{{Awesome}}
[[File:Macharius Charge.png|400px|thumb|right|His name struck fear into hearts of men]]
''"Battle is the most magnificent competition in which a human being can indulge. It brings out all that is best; it removes all that is base. All men are afraid in battle. The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty. Duty is the essence of manhood."''

''"Wars may be fought with weapons, but they are won by men."''

- George S. Patton

''"Quantity has a quality all of its own"'' - Joseph Stalin

''"To each of us falls a task, and all the [[Emperor]] requires of us Guardsmen is that we stand the line, and we die fighting. It is what we do ''best'' - we die standing."'' - [[General Sturnn]] of the Imperial Guard

The '''Imperial Guard''' (officially titled the '''Astra Militarum''' as of [[Warhammer 40,000 6th Edition|6th edition]], cause fuck your original name if GW can't trademark it), are the foot soldiers of the [[Imperium]] in [[Warhammer 40,000]]. They only exist to die gloriously in the [[Empra]]'s name. [[Commissar]]s (like [[Holt]] and [[Ciaphas Cain]]) ensure they do so by executing any cowards or deserters. Though the average Guardsman is only capable of drawing enemy fire and shining a [[Lasgun|flashlight]] at his enemies, much more fortunate Guardsmen get to drive the tanks and other armored vehicles fielded by the IG, which proceed to blow their enemies into little chunks from a very long way away.

==Overview==
It is worth noting that in a universe where the majority of the other armies are either:
* [[Necron|Ancient Murdering Robots that destroy the laws of physics with their tech and don't die even if they are nuked]]
* [[Space Marines|Genetically engineered killing machines]]
* [[Chaos Space Marines|The evil twin brother of the Genetically engineered killing machines]], with equally evil goatees
* Clad in [[pauldrons|powered armor]]
* [[Ork|Extremely warlike genetically-engineered fungus able to grow bigger and stronger the more they fight.]]
* [[Eldar|Manipulative space elves]] in possession of extremely cheesy technology and can jump around making damn accurate shots like Quake players
* The above-mentioned space elves' [[Dark Eldar|emo, bondage obsessed cousins]] who like to meet interesting people, shoot them a little, then torture them for eternity
* Highly-advanced [[Tau|space Communists]] with mecha and god-like firepower that surprisingly uses Combined Arms Warfare more than Imperial Guard
* [[Tyranid|Mutant 10ft tall space monsters with lots of teeth to devour you with]]
* [[Tyranid|Come in such a huge swarms that you literally run out of ammo before your guns can chew through half of them]]
* [[Daemon]]s with a billion tentacles to rape you with
* [[Rak'gol|Reptilian/Insectoid abominations that kill you and mutilate your body because they think its "Funny"]]
* Some combination of the above

[[File:Trance.jpg|300px|right|thumb|"Welcome to the jungle, we've got fun and games!"]]
The foot soldiers of the Imperial Guard take to the field equipped with nothing more than the 40k equivalent of flak jackets, glorified laser pointers, a copy of the [[Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer]] (<strike>if they have not already used it for toilet paper</strike>.{{BLAM}} Note: it is highly recommended that you do not use it as toilet paper, to prevent BLAMing) and a pair of Mars-pattern forged titanium plated balls. Please note that whilst the Lasgun and Flak armor are very good by modern standards, they're just flashlights and t-shirts compared to the automatic mini-rocket launchers and power armor everyone else uses. This means they have balls of steel (as in Duke Nukem would say, "Holy shit! I thought I had balls of steel!").

Examples of Guardsmen going above and beyond this, demonstrating the possession of testicles so massive they should be deployed in battle as a separate unit, are plentiful; [[Ollanius Pius]] is one such Guardsman, standing up to fucking [[Horus]] himself (which unfortunately has been retconned. Several times.); the original [[Dawn of War]] features the Blood Ravens running into a pair of Guardsmen who have held their position, without support, in the middle of a combined Chaos/Ork/Eldar invasion, for more than a week; [[Dawn of War II]] has Guardsmen rescued in an earlier mission returning in the finale to provide infantry support while the Blood Ravens launch an attack on a fucking [[Tyranid]] hive. These same guardsmen (led by the ever awesome [[Merrick|Sergeant Merrick]]) SURVIVE the suicidal mission and fight on for TEN MORE YEARS against the remnants of the Tyranids/Orks/Eldar, and a group totaling up to 72 still loyal IG in six separate blob-groups on frozen over Aurelia during those same ten years manage to hold out against their late fellows now in Papa Nurgle's arms who are supported by the remnants of the Black Legion in the area, while just outside the new temple to Nurgle.

Although the average front line Guardsman is highly unlikely to survive his first deployment, veteran soldiers are considered to be some of the manliest motherfuckers the Imperium has to offer, putting even the fucking SPESS MEHRENS to a billion shames. One disturbing thing is that if the tactics of the Imperial Guard were improved from WWI style warfare (overuse of artillery and mass charges against machine guns and tanks) and updated to modern style warfare (such as taking cover and using air/armor/support, which many "Elite" regiments often are, theres so much damn variety you can't really have good quality control.) the Imperial Guard ''could'' become the most feared army in the Universe but '''NO''' that's not [[grimdark]] enough! And that's the Tau's tactic. Although, do note that some commanders themselves shove off this fact and do order their men to charge the enemy lines, with or without heavy armor/artillery support and regardless of terrain.

Dan Abnett's work and their latest edition turned them into Gods of Mechanized War and yet, they still suck compared to 8 feet tall Daemonic killing machines with chainaxes. To be fair, though, that's much like comparing a sedan to a tank. I mean, how are you NOT supposed to suck against things that will slice through meter thick steel armor like so much cheese?

It may sound harsh, but the cold, hard truth of the matter is that the lowest currency in the Imperium is human life. For example, in the modern day a commander would be expected to sacrifice expensive equipment (a cruise missile ain't cheap) to save even a single life, because in the grim darkness of the far future, public outreach, civilian morale and "leave no man behind" kind of ideals tend to screw up a already overtaxed bureaucratically fucked Munitorium commanders justifiably believe it isn't worth the trouble . Instead, commanders do risk assessment. They're not going to devote resources just to save one lowly grunt if they're gonna lose a resource more expensive than what they're getting. Although to be fair, commanders who make these decisions know the moral implications of what they're doing while the Imperium treats this as a perfectly normal act.

[[File:Lord Solar Macharius.jpg|250px|left|thumb|"The meaning of victory is not to defeat your enemy but to destroy him, to eradicate him from living memory, to leave no remnant of his endeavors, to crush utterly his every achievement and remove from all record his every trace of existence. From that defeat no enemy can ever recover. That is the meaning of victory."]]

A bit of maths, if you will. There are 32,380 Hive Worlds in the Imperium. The average population of these worlds is around 200 billion each. We put these together and we get 6.476E15 (6,476,000,000,000,000 or 6.476 Quadrillion) people on Hive worlds ALONE. Eventually there would be more human retard-babies that there would be soylens viridiens and lasguns to come out of the Forge World assembly lines.

So now you see why humans are worth so little. But this also means that once they get their ass in gear and onto the battlefield, they ALWAYS win, because they have all but unlimited manpower and resources, compare it to water bashing against rocks. Sure, a few gallons won't do jack, but countless billions of tonnes crashing down on it WILL destroy it in a surprisingly short amount of time. Apply actual tactics, as every regiment that isn't Kriegan does, and it becomes [[rape|even more effective]] (Do keep in mind, it's not like they commit quintillions of troops to one battle. The Imperium frequently has to withdraw, but it's like saying "We lost the battle, BUT NOT THE WAR!").

In fact, it is point-blank stated numerous times that guardsmen are way cheaper than their lasguns. Because, you know, there are far more Hive Worlds to ''produce'' humans than there are Forge Worlds to produce lasguns. And to add more grimdark, Imperium lost a lot of forge worlds and mining worlds during the [[Time of Ending]], so there are even fewer lasguns and cardboard jackets coming from assembly lines. The [[Death Korps of Krieg]] have a specific guy who runs around battlefields shooting the wounded and collecting their gear (as well as blood and organs to fix those who still can be saved to fight next day).

But what the Imperium does have going for itself is the individual heroism of its protectors. The Guard holds countless heroes, without whom the Imperium would have fallen ages ago. Notable heroes of the Imperial Guard include: [[Ollanius Pius]], [[Straken]], [[Creed]], [[Lord Solar Macharius]], [[Ciaphas Cain|Ciaphas Cain HERO OF THE IMPERIUM]], [[Vance Motherfucking Stubbs]], [[Yarrick]], and countless others. These unique men and women inspire the masses around them to truly heroic deeds, and through those deeds, ensure that the Imperium will never falter.

==Play Style==
[[File:Glory.jpg|300px|right|thumb|Men of the Brimlock Eleventh, fighting on Voor against Orks.]]

''"You see, the [[Necron|Killbots]] have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them, until they reached their limit and shut down."'' - Zapp Brannigan, Twenty-five Star General of the Imperial Guard.

The Imperial Guard are notorious for their SIGAOD methodology: Shooty Imperial Guard Army Of Doom for the less than nerdy. The basic lasguns are downright pathetic, but can [[Dakka|still be effective if used en masse]], and we mean ''en masse''. The effect is a little like how cavemen throwing rocks could still be a threat to fully armored knights. It only takes one lucky shot and they don't stop shooting until they get lucky.

The IG has loads of vehicles. ''Loads'' of vehicles. They can take a whole squadron as a single Fast Attack or Heavy Support slot, and most are fairly cheap and most pretty good for what you pay for. There are three principle IG vehicles of note:
* First is the [[Chimera]], which is basically a troop transport with a turret. Its armor is aluminum and it is not particularly fast, but it's cheap and the passengers can still shoot while inside. At least it's more useful than the Rhino.
* The second is the iconic [[Leman Russ Battle Tank]]. It is in every way a solid, dependable, warhorse. Everything from the optional heavy sponsons, to the BFG on the turret, to the completely exposed engine in the rear. Apparently, they ran out of badass when they designed it.
* The last vehicle of note is the [[Basilisk Artillery Gun|Basilisk]]. Apparently, some tech-priest decided to take a Chimera, rip off the turret and troop compartment and replace it with the biggest piece of artillery he could find. Unfortunately, there weren't any Titan legions nearby so he settled for the Earthshaker cannon. The Earthshaker is far more powerful than even the BFG they stuck on the Leman Russ and has ten times the range. No WH40k game has been played where a target has been out of range of the Basilisk.

The three vehicles above are only a small selection of what the Guard has to offer, but they provide pretty reliable workhorses of most builds and strategies. Most other vehicles are specialized variants of the above, being largely situational units.

Let's not forget the Deathstrike Missile, which GW decided to give UNLIMITED RANGE. Players have called up GW stores the next town over and told them that I'm dropping a Deathstrike in the middle of whatever battle is closest, and they've accepted.

Also of note is 6th Edition's contribution of flyer units. The IG has the most non-apocalypse flyer units in 40k, and while some of them are absolutely useless for anything but flavor, some of them kick all kinds of ass. Triple twin-linked Lascannon, twin-linked Punisher Gatling cannons, or a flying tank-busting mega-bolter kinds of ass to be specific. Raep from above.

In summary, the Imperial Guard wins by having firepower, cannon fodder, and lots of both, transported in a massive variety of [[METAL BOXES]].

Unfortunately for the Guard, though, the Imperial Navy has a bad habit of taking ships that were designed to launch atmospheric craft in support of the Guard (such as Marauders) and instead sticks void combat attack craft inside (such as Furies). The result of this is painfully obvious if you're a Guardsman on the ground. Not to say they don't have air support, but that their air support has a presence that is completely at odds with the number of atmospheric fighters and bombers a ship can carry. The Navy literally fits whatever atmospheric fighters and bombers they can into whatever excess space remains after putting their Furies and Starhawks into hangers designed for holding countless Lightnings, Thunderbolts, Marauders, and Avengers, instead. Grimdark? No, just [[Derp|uncooperative morons]]. Enter the Hydra. The only tank designed to take out aircraft. That is BADASS. Screw the navy. Hell, some regiments have a Leman Russ for every infantry squad! Do that with Thunderbolts or Lightnings in addition to the Russ and...yeah, epic-stomp.

==Notable Figures of the Imperial Guard==
[[File:Stormtrooper vs Ork.jpg|250px|right|thumb|Who's "ded 'ard" NOW, you fat, grammatically challenged cucumber?!]]
*[[Ciaphas Cain]] - '''HERO OF THE IMPERIUM''' (Charming Commissar in the Harry Flashman/Edmund Blackadder tradition.)
*[[Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt]] - (Rambo + Sharpe + 40,000 kg of awesome) Main protagonist of Gaunt's Ghosts, and a REAL hero of the Imperium, [[grimdark|unjustly doomed to lowly obscurity]].
*[[Commissar Yarrick]] - Old one-eye. Saviour of Armageddon, twice. Known for having an Ork Klaw on his arm, having a personal Baneblade, and a [[gay|bizarre]] relationship with the ork warlord [[Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka]].
*[[Holt|Commissar Holt]] - Awesome cinematics are awesome, from Warhammer 40,000: Final Liberation.
*[[Commissar Dan]] - "But Commissar Dan says we're on a blaze for glory run!" "Commissar Dan is a ''maniac''! Never listen to anything he says." Also canon thanks to FFG.
*[[Commissar Fuklaw]] - Currently in service with the [[Angry Marines]].
*[[Commissar Raege]] - Currently trolling faggoty [[Space Marines]].
*[[General Sturnn]] - Manly damn old son of a bitch, from [[Dawn of War#Winter Assault|Dawn of War: Winter Assault]]. Struggles with grammar because of the grit in his teeth.
*[[Castor|Lord General Castor]] - Sporting a manly mustache and known for having a trophy room full of Tyranid heads.
*[[Ollanius Pius]] - The catalyst for the [[God-Emperor of Mankind|Emperor]] finally ''erasing'' [[Horus]] out of existence. (No longer canon, which is BULLSHIT! Though he DOES still exist as a Saint of the IG. No worries, /tg/ is keeping his story alive.)
*[[Vance Motherfucking Stubbs]] - Another manly bastard, <s>famous for "losing" a hundred [[Baneblade]]s.</s>{{BLAM}}{{BLAM|LIES AND CHAOS PROPAGANDA!!! There is nothing written about the Baneblades being lost.}}
*[[Colonel "Iron Hand" Straken|Colonel "I ate a Miral landshark for breakfast" Straken]] - Yet another manly fucker and another solid contender for biggest balls in the Imperial Guard.
*[[Leman Russ Battle Tank|Knight Commander Pask]] - Ed Harris in 40k. A Leman Russ tank ace that has destroyed Titans and Gargants. With a Leman Russ.
*[[Colonel Greiss]] - Straken's former commander and proof that the manliest fuckers the Imperial Guard have aren't necessarily the biggest.
*[[Creed|Lord Castellan Usarkar E. Creed]] - Famous for outflanking enemies with Titans. Must have been the work of some sort of tactical geniu-CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!
*[[Merrick]] - Tough bastard who survived a Tyranid Invasion, a Chaos uprising, ten years of nonstop combat, and putting a gun to his superior's head. Also fucking strong, since he can carry an entire heavy weapons setup on his own.
*[[Sly Marbo]] - ...by time you have read this... you are already dead... Gone, just like Creed's ability to scout titans, because GW hates awesome things.
* Engineseers - All of them. Want to repair your own tank, do you? HERE'S THE FUCKING MANUAL. By the way, it's [[Heresy]] to do it yourself.
* Lord Commander Solar Macharius - A Brilliant tactician who [[Gets Shit Done]] (in fluff) and the most useless command choice from the Second Edition Codex: Imperial Guard who would habitually screw up your entire battle plan since he rolled for his strategy rating on a D6 (which decided who got the first turn) and 4-6 would stop you firing your army-fucking pre-battle barrage. On a 6 you also had to put everything you had in reserve on the table. He also had no model and the fluff gave no idea what he looked like. IMPROVED IN 3RD ED WHEN HE GOT BETTER RULES AND A MODEL: Baseline stats are: WS D3+2, BS4, S3, T3, W4, I4, A D3+1, LD10
**Because he is slow in his old age, he has an initiative of 4, which is pretty bad, but he can potentially have four attacks with a mastercrafted power weapon at a WS of 5. He's still too wild of a character to use in a serious game, so save him for your fuck-around games, or Apocalypse.
**In conclusion, he has a terrible crunch but have a ridiculously awesome fluff being as the most successful Warmaster ever existed since the Great Crusade
*Colonel Schaeffer - The most crazy, malicious, heinous and downright evil imperial guard officer to ever exist. Most other officers are either incompetent when battlefield tactics are concerned or egocentric to the point of believing nothing else around them has a pulse, ultimately resulting in the average footslogger having such a brief lifespan. Colonel Schaeffer on the other hand, intends to make those under his command suffer in the most grueling, painful and surprisingly productive way possible.
*Colonel Jurten - Nuked the living shit out of his own planet, 'cuz Krieg ain't belonging to no one but the Big E. Then inhabited it solely with clones, mostly of himself.
*[[Commander Kubrik Chenkov]] "Now see here comrade, is all for great glory of great Stalin empero- Нет! Вернись , свинья ! {{BLAM}} What happens when a soviet commander gets transplanted into 40k. Known for being the most famous user of the "send in the next wave" tactic, [[Grimdark|wherein a squad of 50 conscript guardsman are sent into a charge and another is sent in immediately when they all inevitably die]]. The biggest waste of flesh the Imperial Guard will likely ever see, he's only survived by dint of never running out of soldiers, if he were to ever run out of men, he'd be executed as an incompetent.

==Main Advantages of Fielding an Imperial Guard Army==
*Shit loads of men to throw around the battlefield[[File:tautears.png|500px|right|thumb|Sweet, sweet salty tears.]]
*'''[[Basilisk Artillery Gun|BASILISKS]]'''
*'''[[Baneblade|BANEBLADES]]'''
*'''[[Manticore Rocket Launcher|MANTICORES]]'''
*'''[[Leman Russ Battle Tank|LEMAN RUSSES]]'''
*'''[[commissar|*BLAM*]]'''
*[[Creed|Titans acting as scouts]].
*Reasonable prices for vehicles.
*Tank Squadrons.
*The first and best [[Hydra Flak Tank|Flak Tank]].
*Loyal soldiers that can and will [[Ollanius Pius|hold the line to the bitter end]].
*[[Commissar Yarrick]]
*Cool looking models and plenty of variety to choose from.
*Standard issue adamantium balls.
*'''YOU COULD NOT POSSIBLY FORGET THAT YOUR GUYS FIELD ''THE BEST TANKS OF THE GAME'', RIGHT?'''
*'''VANQUISHERS, FUCK YOU [[tau|BLUE SKINNED PANZIES]]'''
*Did we forget to mention that all units have standard issue balls of steel? Except for Yarrick. He has adamantium balls. And [[Sly Marbo|that guy in the cardboard box]]. <del>He has Power Balls.</del>(No one has ever been able to confirm what kind of balls he has no one fucks with Sly is any form of the word and lives to tell the tale)

==<del>Downsides to being a Guardsman</del> Highly fanciful scenarios that most likely will not occur during your glorious service as a Guardsman==

While your local propaganda might say that being in the guard is the most honorable thing you could ever get into, and it is! Here is a small list of things that will very likely never happen to you and are entirely preventable with forethought, your trusty lasgun, and endless faith in the Emperor:

[[File:709869c659acffb373baece7b5d00582-d6lzjxz.jpg|right|thumb|300px|[[Awesome|Heroic last stands]] not included, [[Grimdark|but encouraged greatly]].]]

*You will die in the line of duty and no-one but your family and friends will remember you unless you've done something that only a Space Marine could do in combat. ''Anyone can do it!''
*You're expendable in every sense of the word. ''Freedom isn't free and you're the currency that pays for it!''
*Your Commissar might execute you to make your friends fight harder. ''You deserved it.''
*Your Commissar might execute your friends to make you fight harder. ''They deserved it.''
*Unless you're in a special forces division like the Kasrkin, you're really just a meatshield in large scale assaults. ''A glorious, spiffy looking meatshield!''
*"See how great this is? Your very own laser gun!"
*You can't even die when you want to. ''You don't want to be a quitter, do you?''
*You might be: [[Chaos Space Marines|mutilated, disemboweled]], [[Tyranids|eaten alive]], [[Necron|disassembled into your component atoms]], [[Chaos Gods|sacrificed to the Chaos Gods]], [[Imperium|left for dead]], [[Dark Eldar|tortured for fun by xenos]], [[Chaos|mutants, heretics and zealots]], stuffed with shurikens and lasers better than yours, or blasted by railgun rounds. ''But you'll earn the eternal gratitude of the Emperor!''
*You will be sent into hopeless situations and your superiors expect you to fight without retreating or showing cowardice. ''Just do it, no one likes a crybaby!''
*You may be used as mine clearance. By being marched through the minefield. ''That's right boys, you can teach those dastardly mines who's boss by blowing them up!''
* Even if after losing your entire regiment, watching your last-minute friends die horrendous deaths, and generally do the most gruesome work to win the day; the minute Space Marines come crashing down from the sky; They'll take all the credit for it, even if the marines themselves attribute the win to you. ''They deserve it.''
*You will be taken from your home planet and dropped on the other side of the universe to fight in a war you didn't know existed. ''Think of the interesting people you'll meet, and then subsequently possibly kill!''
*You will NEVER see your home planet again unless you are stationed there. In which case it is likely under siege by yet another one of the Imperium's foes, and will likely remain so for the remainder of your short life. ''Think of the interesting places you'll see, and then subsequently blow up!''
*5 Million of you dying under a four hour assault by orks, is considered a flawless victory by Segmentum Command (Then again that would likely be either a very large ork warband or a WAAAGH!, so GOOD JOB!). ''Better than 5 million and one, am I right?''
*If you fight along side Grey Knights, you will be *BLAMMED*, or mindfucked and lobotomized, after the battle in the interest of secrecy. ''Grey Knights don't exist, that's silly.''
*Hell, just fighting Chaos has a slight chance of you getting disposed off after the battle because the Inquisitor investigating your regiment thinks that you may be a slight, bit, tad tainted. ''You wouldn't want to spread that taint would you?''
*Even when your army are the only ones that still uses combined arms warfare, your army still sucks, since it's routinely losing entire brigades(Complete with Armor vehicles and aircraft) to any single bog-standard Space Marine and/or xeno mook. ''But not you! Your buddies and you can definitely take 'em!''

==Memorable Quotations==

[[File:Astra Militarum Symbol.jpg|right|400px]]

- "The enemies of mankind may employ dark sciences or alien weapons beyond Humanity's ken, but such deviance comes to naught in the face of honest human intolerance backed by a sufficient number of guns."

-DRIVE ME CLOSER! I want to hit them with my sword! (originally a meme that started from a picture of a Commissar standing up in a tank hatch brandishing his sword, the phrase became so popular it is one of Commissar Lord Bernn's in campaign/skirmish/multiplayer lines when he gets in a Chimera in Dawn of War II, Retribution)

- "When in doubt, throw more men at it."

- "Look at me. Look at me! ''This'' is home now, Trooper! This is the zone! It doesn't like you, but by the Throne, it's where you are! The Emperor wants you, boy! Did no one ever tell you that? The Emperor wants you to make his glory for him! And if you're scared, I'm terrified. The [[Chaos|archenemy]] is no playmate. You're going to see things, and be expected to do things your poor mother would have a fit at. But the Emperor expects, and the Emperor ''protects'', all of us, even you. Especially you - I promise you that." - [[Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt]]

- "That which I cannot crush with words alone, I shall crush with the [[Baneblade|tanks]] of the Imperial Guard!"

- "You're a fearsome warrior! Act like it!" - [[Dawn of War II|General Castor]]

- "[[Commissar|You don't die until I say so!]]"

- "[[Commissar|Glory to the first man to die! CHARGE!!!]]"

- [[Grimdark|"Yes, you shall die when assaulting a well maintained fortress]] under a [[Creed|competent]] [[Commissar|commander]]. But at least strive to make your death useful." (Paraphrased)

- "We go beyond [[Astronomican |the emperor's light]]. To the darkest reaches in the galaxy. Good thing we brought our [[lasgun|flashlights]]!"

- "To each of us falls a task, and all the Emperor requires of us Guardsmen is that we stand the line, and we die fighting. It is what we do best: We die standing." - General Sturnn, Dawn of War: Winter Assault

- "All right men! TIME TO WAGE TO WAR!" - [[Sturnn]]

-"Remember, we have more numbers men!"-sergeant in skirmish/multiplayer line from Dawn of War II Retribution

- "Let's see them fight ALL of us!" Guardsman, Dawn of War: Soulstorm

- "Infantry wins firefights, tanks win battles, artillery wins wars." - Tactica Imperialis

- "A Guardsman's LIFE is to die. My job has always been to send them where they CAN die. I'm not afraid to spend men, but I never waste them!" - [[Dawn of War II|General Castor]]

-"Eldar suck they can't even save their mams never mind them selves" - some tank commander from the 319th Catachan tank company

- "Your foe is well equipped, well-trained, battle-hardened. He believes his gods are on his side. Let him believe what he will. We have the tanks on ours." - Colonel Joachim Pfeiff,
[[Death Korps of Krieg|Krieg]] 14th Armoured Regiment

- "Baaah!" - General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett

- "Okay, okay, you caught me, (gasp), oh but look who it is! It's the God Emperor (pointing to his right)!!!" - Cornered Guardsman
"The God Emperor!?" - Sororitas
"You're all so STUPID!!!" - Fleeing Guardsman

- "We'd offer a pension if we thought you needed it..." - Unknown Recruiting Officer.

- "When in mortal danger, when beset by doubt, run in little circles, wave your hands and shout." - Parody of the Litany of Command. (More popular then you think)

- "LET ME PREACH HIS NAME!" - Priest

- "A good general does not lead an army to destruction just because he knows it will follow." - The Tactica Imperialis

- "If at first you don't succeed, bring heavier firepower!"

-LAST ONE TO DIE'S AN ELDAR!

- "They just keep coming!" Heretic Stevos, counting troop ships

==A Piece of Writing That Explains the Imperial Guard==
At the end of the day, though he's been ferried through [[Warp|hell]] on a ship that's ten thousand years old to some godforsaken, war-torn rock; though he deployed from high orbit with nothing but a grav chute; though he is one of ten million men and women snatched from his homeworld to fight a war he barely understands; though he has been given a weapon that fires small suns and may annihilate him as he fires because the knowledge of how it functions has been lost; though his company is supported by tractor-tanks that run on anything you can burn; though he wages war against a [[Tyranid|devouring hivemind]], ravenous [[Daemon|demons]] and [[Tau|hordes]] of [[Eldar|hyper-advanced aliens]] with strange technologies and sorceries he never dreamed existed; no one will remember his sacrifice, there will be no records of his deeds, no glorious parades in his honor, and no remembrance of his name. All he will earn is a shallow, unmarked grave on a forgotten world untold lightyears from home.

Yet for all this thankless sacrifice a Guardsman is a man, just like you. He has no [[Space Marines|millennia-old genetic engineering]], no [[Emperor|prophetic leader]], no [[Sisters of Battle|miracles of faith]]. He has his lasgun, his orders, and those beside him. He is the Imperial Guard.

[[Awesome|And he will hold the line.]]

==The Imperial Guard's anthems==
[[Image:UpliftingPrimer.jpeg|thumb|right|For more Imperial anthems, consult your [[Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer|Uplifting Primer]].]]
While the Ecclesiarchy and several, if not all, Chapters of Space Marines look down upon the frivolities of music (unless said music is sung in somberly in High Gothic and praises the Emperor) as distracting to any soldier in carrying out his Divine Duty, the Imperial Guard still makes heavy use of marching themes and anthems. Examples are given below:

* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0bcRCCg01I] - Baleeted no longer
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWBoMWZJkeI] - (none of that faggy 'murican shite)
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxapTnODhCs] - A marching song that most Training worlds use to this day.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJNz2QgSNsk] - Standard cadence song sung by veteran units.
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X82ZIZW4FcI] - Sung at the Funeral of Fallen Death Korps soldiers.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TjvKZHJeayg] - Rumored to be used by Praetorian Guard Regiments.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRIAw6LkqlE] - Again, a rumored anthem.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbw1pGUhG7Q] - This is sung by extremely hardcore and grim regiments, is rumored to have originated from Krieg.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gS1lBID2Mtw] - Popular parade piece for the Phantine Air Corps
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2SVQoRDHSAI] - Sung at the funerals of the nameless heroes
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCGB81DBzOc] - Rumored to be used by the Men of Tanith
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NyNANzc148c] - A lament for lost Tanith
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9Tye_bzl9U] - Sung by many of the Imperial armored regiments
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91kdwxFsthI] - National Anthem of the Valhallan Ice Warriors
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZujhoHZBsg]- National Anthem of the Death Korps of Krieg
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9fSEdZIM08] - March of the Death Korps of Krieg
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIVSpY8xY9I] - March of the Praetorian Lifeguard
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7Ewd8OeYEA] - sang by Cadian Regiments, also popular with Imperial Navy Pilots
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5W1NCmV_OM] - Planetary Anthem of Cadia
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NWEmnRbkRw] - Regimental march of the Kronus 1st "Liberators"
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTaD9cd8hvw] - Heard being sung by Praetorian Hussars returning from deployment in the Crimean sector
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yo6KdeCvESw] - Sung by the guardsmen of the Armageddon Steel Legion
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXH3QJrx98U] - Another favorite of the Steel Legion
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUQCmDfKFac] - Often sung by Veteran Guardsmen of Cadia during planetary deployment between outbreaks of combat.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWgsdexkv18] - Elysian Drop Troops are sometimes required to memorize the lyrics as part of their training.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yvy2_7d_VmI] - The Elysians also love singing that while they are maintaining their <strike>FAMAS</strike> Accatran Lasgun
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26cr_rBQu74&list=UUlvMzsGbi7LACFNRPTLhJjw&index=10] - A traditional folk/drinking song of the Vostroyan Light Armor and Mounted regiments.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLV4_xaYynY] - Traditional Catachan folk song. Catachan Guardsmen are sometimes heard either humming, warbling or whistling this song while on Guard duty.
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V92OBNsQgxU] - This is song is inevitably played over loudspeakers whenever there are two or more Valkyries entering the battlefield.
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVcD1gW-cQE] - This song begun to resurface throughout Valhallan Armored Regiments after a few joint missions with Knight Commander Pask's Cadian 423rd Armoured Regiment.
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAOOhfQI13s] - another anthem for Cadian Shock Troops
*[http://www.youtube.com/u2W1Wi2U9sQ] - Quite popular among Vostroyan artillery regiments.
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZpbCLdg-r8] - Heard from a regiment of Storm Troopers surfacing from an extensive period hiding behind enemy lines on an Ork-controlled world.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnaF4_LTovk] - A list of Commonly sung Krieg songs.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3uTnl78HLDQ]- Common song by the Elysian drop troops commemorating famous battles.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eji8eWwOu3g]- Sung by many Kreig units that found themselves in city warfare.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5CaQ37VYvw]- A common tune by Valhallan snipers between warzones
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrJAwCBbnuc]- Often sung by storm troopers during risky and/or frontal assaults on enemy forward positions or leading massive charges.
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwuP7EqMmsk] - A campfire song often heard from Drookian Fen Guard encampments.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7J__ZdvsZaE] - Commonly sung by Valhallan Armoured Regiments as they drive into battle
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJNz2QgSNsk] - A fight song of various Cadian regiments heard while on long marches or before an offensive push
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L740ESYghT0&index=40]- A song of Armoured Regiments of the Armageddon Steel Legion.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JKar_hChU4] - Another Krieg March song.
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ift85e38H3M] - Schola Progenium's unofficial anthem.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ut1If6vaD90] - Undisputed Anthem of the Imperial Guard.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjRskDUq_eM] - Popular among Atillan Rough riders Between deployments.
There is a disturbing lack of hell march in this list.
Whoever is responsible report to your local commissar and prepare for summary blamming.
*Problem with that: It's ''Hell'' March. The local Commissar wants to see you.
Nothing wrong with "Hell" march, if it was "Warp" March or "Heretic" March, there'd be a problem.
As it goes, does the imperial guard nor deliver the Emperor's judgement upon the Traitor, Mutant and Heretic? Their wrath(Firepower) can rightly be described as "Hell" should it be directed at you.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gfW1bkPI8Kc] - Chenkov's theme whenever he Sends in the Next Wave.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8XufxjQUnyE] - Followed by battalions of tanks and artillery barrage.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rg7tH1N182g] - And this is when the Imperial Guard goes full-scale war, game over.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mj2j7R1NL-s] - Funeral hymn utilized by multiple Guard regiments.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILsb_hospwY] - commonly sung by Vostroyan Rough Rider regiments.

==Notable Imperial Guard Forces==
Because GW was too lazy to create an original themed Imperial Guard army, they basically used RL armies as a base for them, gave them a little touch of [[Grimdark]], assorted amounts of tempered ceramite balls and placed them..........IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!

*[[Cadia|Cadian Shock Troops]] Generic occidental army/Starship troopers clones (the shitty movie, the awesome book was copied and toned down as Space Marines)... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! FOR [[Imperium|IMPERIUM]] AND [[Emprah|EMPEROR]]! <strike>COME ON YOU APES, YOU WANNA LIVE FOREVER?</strike> Shh! Who do you think we are? Chem-dogs? Discipline, man! Discipline! You'll get the Commissar riled!
*[[Catachan Jungle Fighters]] Vietnam war U.S. (And Australian) military... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! GOOD MORNING CATACHAN!
*[[Tallarn Desert Raiders]] ARABS AND BEDOUINS... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! IMPERATOR AKBAR!
*[[Armageddon Steel Legion]] Wehrmacht Mechanized Divisions... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! FÜR DEN [[Emprah|IMPERATOR]], FEUER FREI!
*[[Valhallan Ice Warriors]] Soviet Red Army... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! ЗА РОДИНУ! ЗА ТОВАРИЩА [[Emprah|ИМПЕРАТОРА]]! НИ ШАГУ НАЗАД!
*[[Mordian Iron Guard]] Prussians and Napoleonites... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! I TRY TO BE A SOLDIER AND A HALF!
*[[Death Korps of Krieg|Death Korps of Krieg]] WWI German Western Front... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!
*[[Vostroyan Firstborn]] Russian/Ukrainian Cossacks IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! FUCK THY MOTHER IN THE NAME OF EMPEROR!
*[[Elysian Drop Troops]] French or British army paratroopers... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! QUI OSE GAGNE! POUR [[Emprah|L'EMPEREUR]]! (Taros Campaign = Dien Bien Phu or Op: Market-Garden)
*[[Harakoni Warhawks]] Heavy U.S Paratroopers... IIIIIINNNN SPACE! GREEN LIGHT!!! LET'S GO!
*[[Tanith First (And Only)]] Scots and Welsh... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! TRWY CARIAD YR[[Emprah|YMERAWDWR]]!
*[[Attilan Rough Riders]] The Huns... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!
*[[Savlar Chem-Dogs]] Vietnam War US Tunnel Rats (and a bit of Mad Max PA Raiders)... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!
*[[Drookian Fen Guard]] Anglo-Scottish Border Reivers... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!
*[[Praetorian Guard]] The British Empire IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! GUARDSMEN NEEEEVVERRRR YIELD! (ever seen Zulu? Like that)
*[[Kanak Skull-Takers]] Apache Native Americans... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!
*[[Phantine Air Corps]] Battle of Britain RAF... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!

==[[/tg/_40,000#Imperial_Guard | /tg/ Homebrew Guard Forces]]==
* [[Cendra#Armed_Forces |Cendran Abolishers]] Pyromaniacs who eat the burnt flesh of their enemies.
* [[Darmine#Darmine_Marshalls | Darmine Marshalls]] Elite sharpshooters supported by huge amounts of explosive collar-fitted penal troopers.
* [[Ferdain#Ferdain_Mustangs | Ferdain Mustangs]] Cavalry regiment that use genetically tailored horses that are practically heavy armour.
* [[Sauristoni#Armed_Forces| Sauristoni Ghostchasers]] Renowned scouts and trackers who are experts on Eldar.
* [[1st Membranes]] A regiment made almost entirely of psykers from a black ship that crashed on a forge world.
* [[Arianius Divided Regiments]] Regiments are segregated along gender lines. Men are [[Choppa|slicey]] women are [[Dakka|shooty.]]
* [[Kandam | Kandamii Crabhunters]] A regiment made up of Augmented soldiers who specialize in Oceanic and Aerial warfare.
* [[Terranknights | Terran Knights]] Elite regiments recruited exclusively from Terra. As a result they have some of the best equipment in the Imperium.
* [[Hell Harlots|2478th Penal Legion, "Hell Harlots"]] All-female penal legion close combat drop troops made up entirely of the same religious prison gang.
* [[All_Guardsmen_Party| Generian 99th Medium Infantry]] The original regiment of the [[All_Guardsmen_Party | All Guardsmen Party]] spawning some of the most dangerous, heretical, yet pragmatic acolytes in the entire inquisition.
*[[Hua Yuan Exterminators|Hua Yuan Exterminators]] Tyranid hunters and Hive warfare Specialists That use unique 'Color And Mayhem' Doctrine to disorient and daze foes in the cramped environments of Hive Spires.

==See Also==
*[[Lasgun]]
*[[Chem-chan]]
*[[Sentinel]]
*[[Hellhound]]
*[[Basilisk]]
*[[Leman Russ Battle Tank]]
*[[Baneblade]]
*[[Commissar]]
*[[Imperium]]
*[[Warhammer 40,000/Tactics/Imperial Guard|Tactics/Imperial Guard]]
*[[Only War]] - The official Tabletop RPG of the Guard!
*[[Kasrkin-chan]]
*[http://www.forgeworld.co.uk/The_Horus_Heresy/Solar_Auxilia] - The Imperial Guard before they became the Astra Militarum of today, The awesome looking [[Solar Auxilia|SOLAR AUXILIA]]! Thank the Emperor for [[Forge World]].

==Gallery==
{{Promotions}}
<center>
<gallery>
Image:Guardsman.jpg|<s>This is painfully accurate.</s> Except for missing the FUCKHEUG BALLS OF STEEL.
Image:Guardsmen.jpg|But this works too.
Image:Warhammer-orcs.jpg| Come and get some, fucking green-skinned faggots!
Image:Winterassault.jpg|Who needs Pauldrons?
Image:Greeting.jpg
image:Mira.jpg
Image:Repercussions.png|Commissar in action
Image:IG_(1).jpg|What the [[Jokaero]] should have been.
Image:balls.jpg|Imagine this, only 4 times bigger, heck even the women have 'em!
Image:IG_(2).jpg|<s>Shouldn't this instead be called 'Full Metal Flak-Jacket'?</s> FMJs are bullets,and lasrifles don't have bullets.
Image:Propaganda_by_DemonMads.jpg
Image:YoDawg.jpg
Image:IG_melta.jpg
Image:Catachan-n.jpg
Image:IG_Babes_(1).jpg
Image:IG_Babes_(2).jpg
Image:IG_Babes_(3).jpg
Image:IG_Babes_(5).jpg
Image:Kasrkin_chan_sans_helmet_by_Jaekyu.jpg
Image:Kasrkin_chan_by_Jaekyu.jpg|"Thank the Emperor! Action!"
Image:IG_Babes_(4).jpg
Image:Imperial_Guardswoman_by_IronShrineMaiden.jpg|Ponytails and light weaponry are standard issue.
Image:Krieg_chan_01_by_Jaekyu.jpg
Image:Krieg_chan_by_Jaekyu.jpg
Image:Tallarn_chan_Colored_by_FilthyBusiness.jpg
Image:1227223498011.jpg
Image:Vostroy_chan_by_Jaekyu.jpg|Vostroya is a cold and crappy place. Still people like it there. Guess why?
Image:IG_mot1.jpg
Image:IG_mot2.jpg
Image:IG_mot3.jpg
Image:F0r t3h Emp3r0r by Kazuv.jpg|Even pregnant chicks get conscripted.
Image:1267818498305.jpg|One should never underestimate the awesomeness of a Guardsman.
Image:Magnus Kale.png|Guardsmen - They Just Never Stop
Image:GuardsmanHelmet.jpg|This man shows doubt. He will soon be executed.
Image:1230085088983.png|[[wat]]
Image:Basilisk.png|[[Basilisk]]s are [[AWESOME]]
Image:Grimdark checkers.jpg|In the grimdarkness of the 41st millennium, there are still old men playing checkers.
Image:The Courage of Man.png|AVE IMPERATOR MOTHERFUCKERS!

</gallery>
</center>

{{Template:Imperium}}
{{40k-Imperial-Regiments}}
[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Imperial]]

Imperial Guard

2016-03-06T20:18:04Z

2601:285:103:64A:B546:455B:1C5F:E921: /* Notable Figures of the Imperial Guard */

{{Awesome}}
[[File:Macharius Charge.png|400px|thumb|right|His name struck fear into hearts of men]]
''"Battle is the most magnificent competition in which a human being can indulge. It brings out all that is best; it removes all that is base. All men are afraid in battle. The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty. Duty is the essence of manhood."''

''"Wars may be fought with weapons, but they are won by men."''

- George S. Patton

''"Quantity has a quality all of its own"'' - Joseph Stalin

''"To each of us falls a task, and all the [[Emperor]] requires of us Guardsmen is that we stand the line, and we die fighting. It is what we do ''best'' - we die standing."'' - [[General Sturnn]] of the Imperial Guard

The '''Imperial Guard''' (officially titled the '''Astra Militarum''' as of [[Warhammer 40,000 6th Edition|6th edition]], cause fuck your original name if GW can't trademark it), are the foot soldiers of the [[Imperium]] in [[Warhammer 40,000]]. They only exist to die gloriously in the [[Empra]]'s name. [[Commissar]]s (like [[Holt]] and [[Ciaphas Cain]]) ensure they do so by executing any cowards or deserters. Though the average Guardsman is only capable of drawing enemy fire and shining a [[Lasgun|flashlight]] at his enemies, much more fortunate Guardsmen get to drive the tanks and other armored vehicles fielded by the IG, which proceed to blow their enemies into little chunks from a very long way away.

==Overview==
It is worth noting that in a universe where the majority of the other armies are either:
* [[Necron|Ancient Murdering Robots that destroy the laws of physics with their tech and don't die even if they are nuked]]
* [[Space Marines|Genetically engineered killing machines]]
* [[Chaos Space Marines|The evil twin brother of the Genetically engineered killing machines]], with equally evil goatees
* Clad in [[pauldrons|powered armor]]
* [[Ork|Extremely warlike genetically-engineered fungus able to grow bigger and stronger the more they fight.]]
* [[Eldar|Manipulative space elves]] in possession of extremely cheesy technology and can jump around making damn accurate shots like Quake players
* The above-mentioned space elves' [[Dark Eldar|emo, bondage obsessed cousins]] who like to meet interesting people, shoot them a little, then torture them for eternity
* Highly-advanced [[Tau|space Communists]] with mecha and god-like firepower that surprisingly uses Combined Arms Warfare more than Imperial Guard
* [[Tyranid|Mutant 10ft tall space monsters with lots of teeth to devour you with]]
* [[Tyranid|Come in such a huge swarms that you literally run out of ammo before your guns can chew through half of them]]
* [[Daemon]]s with a billion tentacles to rape you with
* [[Rak'gol|Reptilian/Insectoid abominations that kill you and mutilate your body because they think its "Funny"]]
* Some combination of the above

[[File:Trance.jpg|300px|right|thumb|"Welcome to the jungle, we've got fun and games!"]]
The foot soldiers of the Imperial Guard take to the field equipped with nothing more than the 40k equivalent of flak jackets, glorified laser pointers, a copy of the [[Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer]] (<strike>if they have not already used it for toilet paper</strike>.{{BLAM}} Note: it is highly recommended that you do not use it as toilet paper, to prevent BLAMing) and a pair of Mars-pattern forged titanium plated balls. Please note that whilst the Lasgun and Flak armor are very good by modern standards, they're just flashlights and t-shirts compared to the automatic mini-rocket launchers and power armor everyone else uses. This means they have balls of steel (as in Duke Nukem would say, "Holy shit! I thought I had balls of steel!").

Examples of Guardsmen going above and beyond this, demonstrating the possession of testicles so massive they should be deployed in battle as a separate unit, are plentiful; [[Ollanius Pius]] is one such Guardsman, standing up to fucking [[Horus]] himself (which unfortunately has been retconned. Several times.); the original [[Dawn of War]] features the Blood Ravens running into a pair of Guardsmen who have held their position, without support, in the middle of a combined Chaos/Ork/Eldar invasion, for more than a week; [[Dawn of War II]] has Guardsmen rescued in an earlier mission returning in the finale to provide infantry support while the Blood Ravens launch an attack on a fucking [[Tyranid]] hive. These same guardsmen (led by the ever awesome [[Merrick|Sergeant Merrick]]) SURVIVE the suicidal mission and fight on for TEN MORE YEARS against the remnants of the Tyranids/Orks/Eldar, and a group totaling up to 72 still loyal IG in six separate blob-groups on frozen over Aurelia during those same ten years manage to hold out against their late fellows now in Papa Nurgle's arms who are supported by the remnants of the Black Legion in the area, while just outside the new temple to Nurgle.

Although the average front line Guardsman is highly unlikely to survive his first deployment, veteran soldiers are considered to be some of the manliest motherfuckers the Imperium has to offer, putting even the fucking SPESS MEHRENS to a billion shames. One disturbing thing is that if the tactics of the Imperial Guard were improved from WWI style warfare (overuse of artillery and mass charges against machine guns and tanks) and updated to modern style warfare (such as taking cover and using air/armor/support, which many "Elite" regiments often are, theres so much damn variety you can't really have good quality control.) the Imperial Guard ''could'' become the most feared army in the Universe but '''NO''' that's not [[grimdark]] enough! And that's the Tau's tactic. Although, do note that some commanders themselves shove off this fact and do order their men to charge the enemy lines, with or without heavy armor/artillery support and regardless of terrain.

Dan Abnett's work and their latest edition turned them into Gods of Mechanized War and yet, they still suck compared to 8 feet tall Daemonic killing machines with chainaxes. To be fair, though, that's much like comparing a sedan to a tank. I mean, how are you NOT supposed to suck against things that will slice through meter thick steel armor like so much cheese?

It may sound harsh, but the cold, hard truth of the matter is that the lowest currency in the Imperium is human life. For example, in the modern day a commander would be expected to sacrifice expensive equipment (a cruise missile ain't cheap) to save even a single life, because in the grim darkness of the far future, public outreach, civilian morale and "leave no man behind" kind of ideals tend to screw up a already overtaxed bureaucratically fucked Munitorium commanders justifiably believe it isn't worth the trouble . Instead, commanders do risk assessment. They're not going to devote resources just to save one lowly grunt if they're gonna lose a resource more expensive than what they're getting. Although to be fair, commanders who make these decisions know the moral implications of what they're doing while the Imperium treats this as a perfectly normal act.

[[File:Lord Solar Macharius.jpg|250px|left|thumb|"The meaning of victory is not to defeat your enemy but to destroy him, to eradicate him from living memory, to leave no remnant of his endeavors, to crush utterly his every achievement and remove from all record his every trace of existence. From that defeat no enemy can ever recover. That is the meaning of victory."]]

A bit of maths, if you will. There are 32,380 Hive Worlds in the Imperium. The average population of these worlds is around 200 billion each. We put these together and we get 6.476E15 (6,476,000,000,000,000 or 6.476 Quadrillion) people on Hive worlds ALONE. Eventually there would be more human retard-babies that there would be soylens viridiens and lasguns to come out of the Forge World assembly lines.

So now you see why humans are worth so little. But this also means that once they get their ass in gear and onto the battlefield, they ALWAYS win, because they have all but unlimited manpower and resources, compare it to water bashing against rocks. Sure, a few gallons won't do jack, but countless billions of tonnes crashing down on it WILL destroy it in a surprisingly short amount of time. Apply actual tactics, as every regiment that isn't Kriegan does, and it becomes [[rape|even more effective]] (Do keep in mind, it's not like they commit quintillions of troops to one battle. The Imperium frequently has to withdraw, but it's like saying "We lost the battle, BUT NOT THE WAR!").

In fact, it is point-blank stated numerous times that guardsmen are way cheaper than their lasguns. Because, you know, there are far more Hive Worlds to ''produce'' humans than there are Forge Worlds to produce lasguns. And to add more grimdark, Imperium lost a lot of forge worlds and mining worlds during the [[Time of Ending]], so there are even fewer lasguns and cardboard jackets coming from assembly lines. The [[Death Korps of Krieg]] have a specific guy who runs around battlefields shooting the wounded and collecting their gear (as well as blood and organs to fix those who still can be saved to fight next day).

But what the Imperium does have going for itself is the individual heroism of its protectors. The Guard holds countless heroes, without whom the Imperium would have fallen ages ago. Notable heroes of the Imperial Guard include: [[Ollanius Pius]], [[Straken]], [[Creed]], [[Lord Solar Macharius]], [[Ciaphas Cain|Ciaphas Cain HERO OF THE IMPERIUM]], [[Vance Motherfucking Stubbs]], [[Yarrick]], and countless others. These unique men and women inspire the masses around them to truly heroic deeds, and through those deeds, ensure that the Imperium will never falter.

==Play Style==
[[File:Glory.jpg|300px|right|thumb|Men of the Brimlock Eleventh, fighting on Voor against Orks.]]

''"You see, the [[Necron|Killbots]] have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them, until they reached their limit and shut down."'' - Zapp Brannigan, Twenty-five Star General of the Imperial Guard.

The Imperial Guard are notorious for their SIGAOD methodology: Shooty Imperial Guard Army Of Doom for the less than nerdy. The basic lasguns are downright pathetic, but can [[Dakka|still be effective if used en masse]], and we mean ''en masse''. The effect is a little like how cavemen throwing rocks could still be a threat to fully armored knights. It only takes one lucky shot and they don't stop shooting until they get lucky.

The IG has loads of vehicles. ''Loads'' of vehicles. They can take a whole squadron as a single Fast Attack or Heavy Support slot, and most are fairly cheap and most pretty good for what you pay for. There are three principle IG vehicles of note:
* First is the [[Chimera]], which is basically a troop transport with a turret. Its armor is aluminum and it is not particularly fast, but it's cheap and the passengers can still shoot while inside. At least it's more useful than the Rhino.
* The second is the iconic [[Leman Russ Battle Tank]]. It is in every way a solid, dependable, warhorse. Everything from the optional heavy sponsons, to the BFG on the turret, to the completely exposed engine in the rear. Apparently, they ran out of badass when they designed it.
* The last vehicle of note is the [[Basilisk Artillery Gun|Basilisk]]. Apparently, some tech-priest decided to take a Chimera, rip off the turret and troop compartment and replace it with the biggest piece of artillery he could find. Unfortunately, there weren't any Titan legions nearby so he settled for the Earthshaker cannon. The Earthshaker is far more powerful than even the BFG they stuck on the Leman Russ and has ten times the range. No WH40k game has been played where a target has been out of range of the Basilisk.

The three vehicles above are only a small selection of what the Guard has to offer, but they provide pretty reliable workhorses of most builds and strategies. Most other vehicles are specialized variants of the above, being largely situational units.

Let's not forget the Deathstrike Missile, which GW decided to give UNLIMITED RANGE. Players have called up GW stores the next town over and told them that I'm dropping a Deathstrike in the middle of whatever battle is closest, and they've accepted.

Also of note is 6th Edition's contribution of flyer units. The IG has the most non-apocalypse flyer units in 40k, and while some of them are absolutely useless for anything but flavor, some of them kick all kinds of ass. Triple twin-linked Lascannon, twin-linked Punisher Gatling cannons, or a flying tank-busting mega-bolter kinds of ass to be specific. Raep from above.

In summary, the Imperial Guard wins by having firepower, cannon fodder, and lots of both, transported in a massive variety of [[METAL BOXES]].

Unfortunately for the Guard, though, the Imperial Navy has a bad habit of taking ships that were designed to launch atmospheric craft in support of the Guard (such as Marauders) and instead sticks void combat attack craft inside (such as Furies). The result of this is painfully obvious if you're a Guardsman on the ground. Not to say they don't have air support, but that their air support has a presence that is completely at odds with the number of atmospheric fighters and bombers a ship can carry. The Navy literally fits whatever atmospheric fighters and bombers they can into whatever excess space remains after putting their Furies and Starhawks into hangers designed for holding countless Lightnings, Thunderbolts, Marauders, and Avengers, instead. Grimdark? No, just [[Derp|uncooperative morons]]. Enter the Hydra. The only tank designed to take out aircraft. That is BADASS. Screw the navy. Hell, some regiments have a Leman Russ for every infantry squad! Do that with Thunderbolts or Lightnings in addition to the Russ and...yeah, epic-stomp.

==Notable Figures of the Imperial Guard==
[[File:Stormtrooper vs Ork.jpg|250px|right|thumb|Who's "ded 'ard" NOW, you fat, grammatically challenged cucumber?!]]
*[[Ciaphas Cain]] - '''HERO OF THE IMPERIUM''' (Charming Commissar in the Harry Flashman/Edmund Blackadder tradition.)
*[[Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt]] - (Rambo + Sharpe + 40,000 kg of awesome) Main protagonist of Gaunt's Ghosts, and a REAL hero of the Imperium, [[grimdark|unjustly doomed to lowly obscurity]].
*[[Commissar Yarrick]] - Old one-eye. Saviour of Armageddon, twice. Known for having an Ork Klaw on his arm, having a personal Baneblade, and a [[gay|bizarre]] relationship with the ork warlord [[Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka]].
*[[Holt|Commissar Holt]] - Awesome cinematics are awesome, from Warhammer 40,000: Final Liberation.
*[[Commissar Dan]] - "But Commissar Dan says we're on a blaze for glory run!" "Commissar Dan is a ''maniac''! Never listen to anything he says." Also canon thanks to FFG.
*[[Commissar Fuklaw]] - Currently in service with the [[Angry Marines]].
*[[Commissar Raege]] - Currently trolling faggoty [[Space Marines]].
*[[General Sturnn]] - Manly damn old son of a bitch, from [[Dawn of War#Winter Assault|Dawn of War: Winter Assault]]. Struggles with grammar because of the grit in his teeth.
*[[Castor|Lord General Castor]] - Sporting a manly mustache and known for having a trophy room full of Tyranid heads.
*[[Ollanius Pius]] - The catalyst for the [[God-Emperor of Mankind|Emperor]] finally ''erasing'' [[Horus]] out of existence. (No longer canon, which is BULLSHIT! Though he DOES still exist as a Saint of the IG. No worries, /tg/ is keeping his story alive.)
*[[Vance Motherfucking Stubbs]] - Another manly bastard, <s>famous for "losing" a hundred [[Baneblade]]s.</s>{{BLAM}}{{BLAM|LIES AND CHAOS PROPAGANDA!!! There is nothing written about the Baneblades being lost.}}
*[[Colonel "Iron Hand" Straken|Colonel "I ate a Miral landshark for breakfast" Straken]] - Yet another manly fucker and another solid contender for biggest balls in the Imperial Guard.
*[[Leman Russ Battle Tank|Knight Commander Pask]] - Ed Harris in 40k. A Leman Russ tank ace that has destroyed Titans and Gargants. With a Leman Russ.
*[[Colonel Greiss]] - Straken's former commander and proof that the manliest fuckers the Imperial Guard have aren't necessarily the biggest.
*[[Creed|Lord Castellan Usarkar E. Creed]] - Famous for outflanking enemies with Titans. Must have been the work of some sort of tactical geniu-CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!
*[[Merrick]] - Tough bastard who survived a Tyranid Invasion, a Chaos uprising, ten years of nonstop combat, and putting a gun to his superior's head. Also fucking strong, since he can carry an entire heavy weapons setup on his own.
*[[Sly Marbo]] - ...by time you have read this... you are already dead... Gone, just like Creed's ability to scout titans, because GW hates awesome things.
* Engineseers - All of them. Want to repair your own tank, do you? HERE'S THE FUCKING MANUAL. By the way, it's [[Heresy]] to do it yourself.
* Lord Commander Solar Macharius - A Brilliant tactician who [[Gets Shit Done]] (in fluff) and the most useless command choice from the Second Edition Codex: Imperial Guard who would habitually screw up your entire battle plan since he rolled for his strategy rating on a D6 (which decided who got the first turn) and 4-6 would stop you firing your army-fucking pre-battle barrage. On a 6 you also had to put everything you had in reserve on the table. He also had no model and the fluff gave no idea what he looked like. IMPROVED IN 3RD ED WHEN HE GOT BETTER RULES AND A MODEL: Baseline stats are: WS D3+2, BS4, S3, T3, W4, I4, A D3+1, LD10
**Because he is slow in his old age, he has an initiative of 4, which is pretty bad, but he can potentially have four attacks with a mastercrafted power weapon at a WS of 5. He's still too wild of a character to use in a serious game, so save him for your fuck-around games, or Apocalypse.
**In conclusion, he has a terrible crunch but have a ridiculously awesome fluff being as the most successful Warmaster ever existed since the Great Crusade
*Colonel Schaeffer - The most crazy, malicious, heinous and downright evil imperial guard officer to ever exist. Most other officers are either incompetent when battlefield tactics are concerned or egocentric to the point of believing nothing else around them has a pulse, ultimately resulting in the average footslogger having such a brief lifespan. Colonel Schaeffer on the other hand, intends to make those under his command suffer in the most grueling, painful and surprisingly productive way possible.
*Colonel Jurten - Nuked the living shit out of his own planet, 'cuz Krieg ain't belonging to no one but the Big E. Then inhabited it solely with clones, mostly of himself.
*[[Commander Kubrik Chenkov]] "Now see here comrade, is all for great glory of great Stalin empero- Нет! Вернись , свинья ! {{BLAM}} What happens when a soviet commander gets transplanted into 40k. Known for being the most famous user of the "send in the next wave" tactic, [[Grimdark|wherein a squad of 50 conscript guardsman are sent into a charge and another is sent in immediately when they all inevitably die]]. The biggest waste of flesh the Imperial Guard will likely ever see, he's only survived by dint of never running out of soldiers, if he were to ever run out of men, he'd be executed as an incompetent.

==Main Advantages of Fielding an Imperial Guard Army==
*Shit loads of men to throw around the battlefield[[File:tautears.png|500px|right|thumb|Sweet, sweet salty tears.]]
*'''[[Basilisk Artillery Gun|BASILISKS]]'''
*'''[[Baneblade|BANEBLADES]]'''
*'''[[Manticore Rocket Launcher|MANTICORES]]'''
*'''[[Leman Russ Battle Tank|LEMAN RUSSES]]'''
*'''[[commissar|*BLAM*]]'''
*[[Creed|Titans acting as scouts]].
*Reasonable prices for vehicles.
*Tank Squadrons.
*The first and best [[Hydra Flak Tank|Flak Tank]].
*Loyal soldiers that can and will [[Ollanius Pius|hold the line to the bitter end]].
*[[Commissar Yarrick]]
*Cool looking models and plenty of variety to choose from.
*Standard issue adamantium balls.
*'''YOU COULD NOT POSSIBLY FORGET THAT YOUR GUYS FIELD ''THE BEST TANKS OF THE GAME'', RIGHT?'''
*'''VANQUISHERS, FUCK YOU [[tau|BLUE SKINNED PANZIES]]'''
*Did we forget to mention that all units have standard issue balls of steel? Except for Yarrick. He has adamantium balls. And [[Sly Marbo|that guy in the cardboard box]]. <del>He has Power Balls.</del>(No one has ever been able to confirm what kind of balls he has no one fucks with Sly is any form of the word and lives to tell the tale)

==<del>Downsides to being a Guardsman</del> Highly fanciful scenarios that most likely will not occur during your glorious service as a Guardsman==

While your local propaganda might say that being in the guard is the most honorable thing you could ever get into, and it is! Here is a small list of things that will very likely never happen to you and are entirely preventable with forethought, your trusty lasgun, and endless faith in the Emperor:

[[File:709869c659acffb373baece7b5d00582-d6lzjxz.jpg|right|thumb|300px|[[Awesome|Heroic last stands]] not included, [[Grimdark|but encouraged greatly]].]]

*You will die in the line of duty and no-one but your family and friends will remember you unless you've done something that only a Space Marine could do in combat. ''Anyone can do it!''
*You're expendable in every sense of the word. ''Freedom isn't free and you're the currency that pays for it!''
*Your Commissar might execute you to make your friends fight harder. ''You deserved it.''
*Your Commissar might execute your friends to make you fight harder. ''They deserved it.''
*Unless you're in a special forces division like the Kasrkin, you're really just a meatshield in large scale assaults. ''A glorious, spiffy looking meatshield!''
*"See how great this is? Your very own laser gun!"
*You can't even die when you want to. ''You don't want to be a quitter, do you?''
*You might be: [[Chaos Space Marines|mutilated, disemboweled]], [[Tyranids|eaten alive]], [[Necron|disassembled into your component atoms]], [[Chaos Gods|sacrificed to the Chaos Gods]], [[Imperium|left for dead]], [[Dark Eldar|tortured for fun by xenos]], [[Chaos|mutants, heretics and zealots]], stuffed with shurikens and lasers better than yours, or blasted by railgun rounds. ''But you'll earn the eternal gratitude of the Emperor!''
*You will be sent into hopeless situations and your superiors expect you to fight without retreating or showing cowardice. ''Just do it, no one likes a crybaby!''
*You may be used as mine clearance. By being marched through the minefield. ''That's right boys, you can teach those dastardly mines who's boss by blowing them up!''
* Even if after losing your entire regiment, watching your last-minute friends die horrendous deaths, and generally do the most gruesome work to win the day; the minute Space Marines come crashing down from the sky; They'll take all the credit for it, even if the marines themselves attribute the win to you. ''They deserve it.''
*You will be taken from your home planet and dropped on the other side of the universe to fight in a war you didn't know existed. ''Think of the interesting people you'll meet, and then subsequently possibly kill!''
*You will NEVER see your home planet again unless you are stationed there. In which case it is likely under siege by yet another one of the Imperium's foes, and will likely remain so for the remainder of your short life. ''Think of the interesting places you'll see, and then subsequently blow up!''
*5 Million of you dying under a four hour assault by orks, is considered a flawless victory by Segmentum Command (Then again that would likely be either a very large ork warband or a WAAAGH!, so GOOD JOB!). ''Better than 5 million and one, am I right?''
*If you fight along side Grey Knights, you will be *BLAMMED*, or mindfucked and lobotomized, after the battle in the interest of secrecy. ''Grey Knights don't exist, that's silly.''
*Hell, just fighting Chaos has a slight chance of you getting disposed off after the battle because the Inquisitor investigating your regiment thinks that you may be a slight, bit, tad tainted. ''You wouldn't want to spread that taint would you?''
*Even when your army are the only ones that still uses combined arms warfare, your army still sucks, since it's routinely losing entire brigades(Complete with Armor vehicles and aircraft) to any single bog-standard Space Marine and/or xeno mook. ''But not you! Your buddies and you can definitely take 'em!''

==Memorable Quotations==

[[File:Astra Militarum Symbol.jpg|right|400px]]

- "The enemies of mankind may employ dark sciences or alien weapons beyond Humanity's ken, but such deviance comes to naught in the face of honest human intolerance backed by a sufficient number of guns."

-DRIVE ME CLOSER! I want to hit them with my sword! (originally a meme that started from a picture of a Commissar standing up in a tank hatch brandishing his sword, the phrase became so popular it is one of Commissar Lord Bernn's in campaign/skirmish/multiplayer lines when he gets in a Chimera in Dawn of War II, Retribution)

- "When in doubt, throw more men at it."

- "Look at me. Look at me! ''This'' is home now, Trooper! This is the zone! It doesn't like you, but by the Throne, it's where you are! The Emperor wants you, boy! Did no one ever tell you that? The Emperor wants you to make his glory for him! And if you're scared, I'm terrified. The [[Chaos|archenemy]] is no playmate. You're going to see things, and be expected to do things your poor mother would have a fit at. But the Emperor expects, and the Emperor ''protects'', all of us, even you. Especially you - I promise you that." - [[Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt]]

- "That which I cannot crush with words alone, I shall crush with the [[Baneblade|tanks]] of the Imperial Guard!"

- "You're a fearsome warrior! Act like it!" - [[Dawn of War II|General Castor]]

- "[[Commissar|You don't die until I say so!]]"

- "[[Commissar|Glory to the first man to die! CHARGE!!!]]"

- [[Grimdark|"Yes, you shall die when assaulting a well maintained fortress]] under a [[Creed|competent]] [[Commissar|commander]]. But at least strive to make your death useful." (Paraphrased)

- "We go beyond [[Astronomican |the emperor's light]]. To the darkest reaches in the galaxy. Good thing we brought our [[lasgun|flashlights]]!"

- "To each of us falls a task, and all the Emperor requires of us Guardsmen is that we stand the line, and we die fighting. It is what we do best: We die standing." - General Sturnn, Dawn of War: Winter Assault

- "All right men! TIME TO WAGE TO WAR!" - [[Sturnn]]

-"Remember, we have more numbers men!"-sergeant in skirmish/multiplayer line from Dawn of War II Retribution

- "Let's see them fight ALL of us!" Guardsman, Dawn of War: Soulstorm

- "Infantry wins firefights, tanks win battles, artillery wins wars." - Tactica Imperialis

- "A Guardsman's LIFE is to die. My job has always been to send them where they CAN die. I'm not afraid to spend men, but I never waste them!" - [[Dawn of War II|General Castor]]

-"Eldar suck they can't even save their mams never mind them selves" - some tank commander from the 319th Catachan tank company

- "Your foe is well equipped, well-trained, battle-hardened. He believes his gods are on his side. Let him believe what he will. We have the tanks on ours." - Colonel Joachim Pfeiff,
[[Death Korps of Krieg|Krieg]] 14th Armoured Regiment

- "Baaah!" - General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett

- "Okay, okay, you caught me, (gasp), oh but look who it is! It's the God Emperor (pointing to his right)!!!" - Cornered Guardsman
"The God Emperor!?" - Sororitas
"You're all so STUPID!!!" - Fleeing Guardsman

- "We'd offer a pension if we thought you needed it..." - Unknown Recruiting Officer.

- "When in mortal danger, when beset by doubt, run in little circles, wave your hands and shout." - Parody of the Litany of Command. (More popular then you think)

- "LET ME PREACH HIS NAME!" - Priest

- "A good general does not lead an army to destruction just because he knows it will follow." - The Tactica Imperialis

- "If at first you don't succeed, bring heavier firepower!"

-LAST ONE TO DIE'S AN ELDAR!

==A Piece of Writing That Explains the Imperial Guard==
At the end of the day, though he's been ferried through [[Warp|hell]] on a ship that's ten thousand years old to some godforsaken, war-torn rock; though he deployed from high orbit with nothing but a grav chute; though he is one of ten million men and women snatched from his homeworld to fight a war he barely understands; though he has been given a weapon that fires small suns and may annihilate him as he fires because the knowledge of how it functions has been lost; though his company is supported by tractor-tanks that run on anything you can burn; though he wages war against a [[Tyranid|devouring hivemind]], ravenous [[Daemon|demons]] and [[Tau|hordes]] of [[Eldar|hyper-advanced aliens]] with strange technologies and sorceries he never dreamed existed; no one will remember his sacrifice, there will be no records of his deeds, no glorious parades in his honor, and no remembrance of his name. All he will earn is a shallow, unmarked grave on a forgotten world untold lightyears from home.

Yet for all this thankless sacrifice a Guardsman is a man, just like you. He has no [[Space Marines|millennia-old genetic engineering]], no [[Emperor|prophetic leader]], no [[Sisters of Battle|miracles of faith]]. He has his lasgun, his orders, and those beside him. He is the Imperial Guard.

[[Awesome|And he will hold the line.]]

==The Imperial Guard's anthems==
[[Image:UpliftingPrimer.jpeg|thumb|right|For more Imperial anthems, consult your [[Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer|Uplifting Primer]].]]
While the Ecclesiarchy and several, if not all, Chapters of Space Marines look down upon the frivolities of music (unless said music is sung in somberly in High Gothic and praises the Emperor) as distracting to any soldier in carrying out his Divine Duty, the Imperial Guard still makes heavy use of marching themes and anthems. Examples are given below:

* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0bcRCCg01I] - Baleeted no longer
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWBoMWZJkeI] - (none of that faggy 'murican shite)
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxapTnODhCs] - A marching song that most Training worlds use to this day.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJNz2QgSNsk] - Standard cadence song sung by veteran units.
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X82ZIZW4FcI] - Sung at the Funeral of Fallen Death Korps soldiers.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TjvKZHJeayg] - Rumored to be used by Praetorian Guard Regiments.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRIAw6LkqlE] - Again, a rumored anthem.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbw1pGUhG7Q] - This is sung by extremely hardcore and grim regiments, is rumored to have originated from Krieg.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gS1lBID2Mtw] - Popular parade piece for the Phantine Air Corps
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2SVQoRDHSAI] - Sung at the funerals of the nameless heroes
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCGB81DBzOc] - Rumored to be used by the Men of Tanith
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NyNANzc148c] - A lament for lost Tanith
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9Tye_bzl9U] - Sung by many of the Imperial armored regiments
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91kdwxFsthI] - National Anthem of the Valhallan Ice Warriors
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZujhoHZBsg]- National Anthem of the Death Korps of Krieg
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9fSEdZIM08] - March of the Death Korps of Krieg
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIVSpY8xY9I] - March of the Praetorian Lifeguard
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7Ewd8OeYEA] - sang by Cadian Regiments, also popular with Imperial Navy Pilots
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5W1NCmV_OM] - Planetary Anthem of Cadia
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NWEmnRbkRw] - Regimental march of the Kronus 1st "Liberators"
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTaD9cd8hvw] - Heard being sung by Praetorian Hussars returning from deployment in the Crimean sector
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yo6KdeCvESw] - Sung by the guardsmen of the Armageddon Steel Legion
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXH3QJrx98U] - Another favorite of the Steel Legion
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUQCmDfKFac] - Often sung by Veteran Guardsmen of Cadia during planetary deployment between outbreaks of combat.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWgsdexkv18] - Elysian Drop Troops are sometimes required to memorize the lyrics as part of their training.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yvy2_7d_VmI] - The Elysians also love singing that while they are maintaining their <strike>FAMAS</strike> Accatran Lasgun
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26cr_rBQu74&list=UUlvMzsGbi7LACFNRPTLhJjw&index=10] - A traditional folk/drinking song of the Vostroyan Light Armor and Mounted regiments.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLV4_xaYynY] - Traditional Catachan folk song. Catachan Guardsmen are sometimes heard either humming, warbling or whistling this song while on Guard duty.
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V92OBNsQgxU] - This is song is inevitably played over loudspeakers whenever there are two or more Valkyries entering the battlefield.
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVcD1gW-cQE] - This song begun to resurface throughout Valhallan Armored Regiments after a few joint missions with Knight Commander Pask's Cadian 423rd Armoured Regiment.
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAOOhfQI13s] - another anthem for Cadian Shock Troops
*[http://www.youtube.com/u2W1Wi2U9sQ] - Quite popular among Vostroyan artillery regiments.
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZpbCLdg-r8] - Heard from a regiment of Storm Troopers surfacing from an extensive period hiding behind enemy lines on an Ork-controlled world.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnaF4_LTovk] - A list of Commonly sung Krieg songs.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3uTnl78HLDQ]- Common song by the Elysian drop troops commemorating famous battles.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eji8eWwOu3g]- Sung by many Kreig units that found themselves in city warfare.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5CaQ37VYvw]- A common tune by Valhallan snipers between warzones
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrJAwCBbnuc]- Often sung by storm troopers during risky and/or frontal assaults on enemy forward positions or leading massive charges.
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwuP7EqMmsk] - A campfire song often heard from Drookian Fen Guard encampments.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7J__ZdvsZaE] - Commonly sung by Valhallan Armoured Regiments as they drive into battle
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJNz2QgSNsk] - A fight song of various Cadian regiments heard while on long marches or before an offensive push
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L740ESYghT0&index=40]- A song of Armoured Regiments of the Armageddon Steel Legion.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JKar_hChU4] - Another Krieg March song.
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ift85e38H3M] - Schola Progenium's unofficial anthem.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ut1If6vaD90] - Undisputed Anthem of the Imperial Guard.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjRskDUq_eM] - Popular among Atillan Rough riders Between deployments.
There is a disturbing lack of hell march in this list.
Whoever is responsible report to your local commissar and prepare for summary blamming.
*Problem with that: It's ''Hell'' March. The local Commissar wants to see you.
Nothing wrong with "Hell" march, if it was "Warp" March or "Heretic" March, there'd be a problem.
As it goes, does the imperial guard nor deliver the Emperor's judgement upon the Traitor, Mutant and Heretic? Their wrath(Firepower) can rightly be described as "Hell" should it be directed at you.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gfW1bkPI8Kc] - Chenkov's theme whenever he Sends in the Next Wave.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8XufxjQUnyE] - Followed by battalions of tanks and artillery barrage.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rg7tH1N182g] - And this is when the Imperial Guard goes full-scale war, game over.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mj2j7R1NL-s] - Funeral hymn utilized by multiple Guard regiments.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILsb_hospwY] - commonly sung by Vostroyan Rough Rider regiments.

==Notable Imperial Guard Forces==
Because GW was too lazy to create an original themed Imperial Guard army, they basically used RL armies as a base for them, gave them a little touch of [[Grimdark]], assorted amounts of tempered ceramite balls and placed them..........IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!

*[[Cadia|Cadian Shock Troops]] Generic occidental army/Starship troopers clones (the shitty movie, the awesome book was copied and toned down as Space Marines)... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! FOR [[Imperium|IMPERIUM]] AND [[Emprah|EMPEROR]]! <strike>COME ON YOU APES, YOU WANNA LIVE FOREVER?</strike> Shh! Who do you think we are? Chem-dogs? Discipline, man! Discipline! You'll get the Commissar riled!
*[[Catachan Jungle Fighters]] Vietnam war U.S. (And Australian) military... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! GOOD MORNING CATACHAN!
*[[Tallarn Desert Raiders]] ARABS AND BEDOUINS... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! IMPERATOR AKBAR!
*[[Armageddon Steel Legion]] Wehrmacht Mechanized Divisions... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! FÜR DEN [[Emprah|IMPERATOR]], FEUER FREI!
*[[Valhallan Ice Warriors]] Soviet Red Army... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! ЗА РОДИНУ! ЗА ТОВАРИЩА [[Emprah|ИМПЕРАТОРА]]! НИ ШАГУ НАЗАД!
*[[Mordian Iron Guard]] Prussians and Napoleonites... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! I TRY TO BE A SOLDIER AND A HALF!
*[[Death Korps of Krieg|Death Korps of Krieg]] WWI German Western Front... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!
*[[Vostroyan Firstborn]] Russian/Ukrainian Cossacks IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! FUCK THY MOTHER IN THE NAME OF EMPEROR!
*[[Elysian Drop Troops]] French or British army paratroopers... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! QUI OSE GAGNE! POUR [[Emprah|L'EMPEREUR]]! (Taros Campaign = Dien Bien Phu or Op: Market-Garden)
*[[Harakoni Warhawks]] Heavy U.S Paratroopers... IIIIIINNNN SPACE! GREEN LIGHT!!! LET'S GO!
*[[Tanith First (And Only)]] Scots and Welsh... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! TRWY CARIAD YR[[Emprah|YMERAWDWR]]!
*[[Attilan Rough Riders]] The Huns... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!
*[[Savlar Chem-Dogs]] Vietnam War US Tunnel Rats (and a bit of Mad Max PA Raiders)... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!
*[[Drookian Fen Guard]] Anglo-Scottish Border Reivers... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!
*[[Praetorian Guard]] The British Empire IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! GUARDSMEN NEEEEVVERRRR YIELD! (ever seen Zulu? Like that)
*[[Kanak Skull-Takers]] Apache Native Americans... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!
*[[Phantine Air Corps]] Battle of Britain RAF... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!

==[[/tg/_40,000#Imperial_Guard | /tg/ Homebrew Guard Forces]]==
* [[Cendra#Armed_Forces |Cendran Abolishers]] Pyromaniacs who eat the burnt flesh of their enemies.
* [[Darmine#Darmine_Marshalls | Darmine Marshalls]] Elite sharpshooters supported by huge amounts of explosive collar-fitted penal troopers.
* [[Ferdain#Ferdain_Mustangs | Ferdain Mustangs]] Cavalry regiment that use genetically tailored horses that are practically heavy armour.
* [[Sauristoni#Armed_Forces| Sauristoni Ghostchasers]] Renowned scouts and trackers who are experts on Eldar.
* [[1st Membranes]] A regiment made almost entirely of psykers from a black ship that crashed on a forge world.
* [[Arianius Divided Regiments]] Regiments are segregated along gender lines. Men are [[Choppa|slicey]] women are [[Dakka|shooty.]]
* [[Kandam | Kandamii Crabhunters]] A regiment made up of Augmented soldiers who specialize in Oceanic and Aerial warfare.
* [[Terranknights | Terran Knights]] Elite regiments recruited exclusively from Terra. As a result they have some of the best equipment in the Imperium.
* [[Hell Harlots|2478th Penal Legion, "Hell Harlots"]] All-female penal legion close combat drop troops made up entirely of the same religious prison gang.
* [[All_Guardsmen_Party| Generian 99th Medium Infantry]] The original regiment of the [[All_Guardsmen_Party | All Guardsmen Party]] spawning some of the most dangerous, heretical, yet pragmatic acolytes in the entire inquisition.
*[[Hua Yuan Exterminators|Hua Yuan Exterminators]] Tyranid hunters and Hive warfare Specialists That use unique 'Color And Mayhem' Doctrine to disorient and daze foes in the cramped environments of Hive Spires.

==See Also==
*[[Lasgun]]
*[[Chem-chan]]
*[[Sentinel]]
*[[Hellhound]]
*[[Basilisk]]
*[[Leman Russ Battle Tank]]
*[[Baneblade]]
*[[Commissar]]
*[[Imperium]]
*[[Warhammer 40,000/Tactics/Imperial Guard|Tactics/Imperial Guard]]
*[[Only War]] - The official Tabletop RPG of the Guard!
*[[Kasrkin-chan]]
*[http://www.forgeworld.co.uk/The_Horus_Heresy/Solar_Auxilia] - The Imperial Guard before they became the Astra Militarum of today, The awesome looking [[Solar Auxilia|SOLAR AUXILIA]]! Thank the Emperor for [[Forge World]].

==Gallery==
{{Promotions}}
<center>
<gallery>
Image:Guardsman.jpg|<s>This is painfully accurate.</s> Except for missing the FUCKHEUG BALLS OF STEEL.
Image:Guardsmen.jpg|But this works too.
Image:Warhammer-orcs.jpg| Come and get some, fucking green-skinned faggots!
Image:Winterassault.jpg|Who needs Pauldrons?
Image:Greeting.jpg
image:Mira.jpg
Image:Repercussions.png|Commissar in action
Image:IG_(1).jpg|What the [[Jokaero]] should have been.
Image:balls.jpg|Imagine this, only 4 times bigger, heck even the women have 'em!
Image:IG_(2).jpg|<s>Shouldn't this instead be called 'Full Metal Flak-Jacket'?</s> FMJs are bullets,and lasrifles don't have bullets.
Image:Propaganda_by_DemonMads.jpg
Image:YoDawg.jpg
Image:IG_melta.jpg
Image:Catachan-n.jpg
Image:IG_Babes_(1).jpg
Image:IG_Babes_(2).jpg
Image:IG_Babes_(3).jpg
Image:IG_Babes_(5).jpg
Image:Kasrkin_chan_sans_helmet_by_Jaekyu.jpg
Image:Kasrkin_chan_by_Jaekyu.jpg|"Thank the Emperor! Action!"
Image:IG_Babes_(4).jpg
Image:Imperial_Guardswoman_by_IronShrineMaiden.jpg|Ponytails and light weaponry are standard issue.
Image:Krieg_chan_01_by_Jaekyu.jpg
Image:Krieg_chan_by_Jaekyu.jpg
Image:Tallarn_chan_Colored_by_FilthyBusiness.jpg
Image:1227223498011.jpg
Image:Vostroy_chan_by_Jaekyu.jpg|Vostroya is a cold and crappy place. Still people like it there. Guess why?
Image:IG_mot1.jpg
Image:IG_mot2.jpg
Image:IG_mot3.jpg
Image:F0r t3h Emp3r0r by Kazuv.jpg|Even pregnant chicks get conscripted.
Image:1267818498305.jpg|One should never underestimate the awesomeness of a Guardsman.
Image:Magnus Kale.png|Guardsmen - They Just Never Stop
Image:GuardsmanHelmet.jpg|This man shows doubt. He will soon be executed.
Image:1230085088983.png|[[wat]]
Image:Basilisk.png|[[Basilisk]]s are [[AWESOME]]
Image:Grimdark checkers.jpg|In the grimdarkness of the 41st millennium, there are still old men playing checkers.
Image:The Courage of Man.png|AVE IMPERATOR MOTHERFUCKERS!

</gallery>
</center>

{{Template:Imperium}}
{{40k-Imperial-Regiments}}
[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Imperial]]

Imperial Guard

2016-03-06T20:05:50Z

2601:285:103:64A:B546:455B:1C5F:E921: /* Overview */

{{Awesome}}
[[File:Macharius Charge.png|400px|thumb|right|His name struck fear into hearts of men]]
''"Battle is the most magnificent competition in which a human being can indulge. It brings out all that is best; it removes all that is base. All men are afraid in battle. The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty. Duty is the essence of manhood."''

''"Wars may be fought with weapons, but they are won by men."''

- George S. Patton

''"Quantity has a quality all of its own"'' - Joseph Stalin

''"To each of us falls a task, and all the [[Emperor]] requires of us Guardsmen is that we stand the line, and we die fighting. It is what we do ''best'' - we die standing."'' - [[General Sturnn]] of the Imperial Guard

The '''Imperial Guard''' (officially titled the '''Astra Militarum''' as of [[Warhammer 40,000 6th Edition|6th edition]], cause fuck your original name if GW can't trademark it), are the foot soldiers of the [[Imperium]] in [[Warhammer 40,000]]. They only exist to die gloriously in the [[Empra]]'s name. [[Commissar]]s (like [[Holt]] and [[Ciaphas Cain]]) ensure they do so by executing any cowards or deserters. Though the average Guardsman is only capable of drawing enemy fire and shining a [[Lasgun|flashlight]] at his enemies, much more fortunate Guardsmen get to drive the tanks and other armored vehicles fielded by the IG, which proceed to blow their enemies into little chunks from a very long way away.

==Overview==
It is worth noting that in a universe where the majority of the other armies are either:
* [[Necron|Ancient Murdering Robots that destroy the laws of physics with their tech and don't die even if they are nuked]]
* [[Space Marines|Genetically engineered killing machines]]
* [[Chaos Space Marines|The evil twin brother of the Genetically engineered killing machines]], with equally evil goatees
* Clad in [[pauldrons|powered armor]]
* [[Ork|Extremely warlike genetically-engineered fungus able to grow bigger and stronger the more they fight.]]
* [[Eldar|Manipulative space elves]] in possession of extremely cheesy technology and can jump around making damn accurate shots like Quake players
* The above-mentioned space elves' [[Dark Eldar|emo, bondage obsessed cousins]] who like to meet interesting people, shoot them a little, then torture them for eternity
* Highly-advanced [[Tau|space Communists]] with mecha and god-like firepower that surprisingly uses Combined Arms Warfare more than Imperial Guard
* [[Tyranid|Mutant 10ft tall space monsters with lots of teeth to devour you with]]
* [[Tyranid|Come in such a huge swarms that you literally run out of ammo before your guns can chew through half of them]]
* [[Daemon]]s with a billion tentacles to rape you with
* [[Rak'gol|Reptilian/Insectoid abominations that kill you and mutilate your body because they think its "Funny"]]
* Some combination of the above

[[File:Trance.jpg|300px|right|thumb|"Welcome to the jungle, we've got fun and games!"]]
The foot soldiers of the Imperial Guard take to the field equipped with nothing more than the 40k equivalent of flak jackets, glorified laser pointers, a copy of the [[Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer]] (<strike>if they have not already used it for toilet paper</strike>.{{BLAM}} Note: it is highly recommended that you do not use it as toilet paper, to prevent BLAMing) and a pair of Mars-pattern forged titanium plated balls. Please note that whilst the Lasgun and Flak armor are very good by modern standards, they're just flashlights and t-shirts compared to the automatic mini-rocket launchers and power armor everyone else uses. This means they have balls of steel (as in Duke Nukem would say, "Holy shit! I thought I had balls of steel!").

Examples of Guardsmen going above and beyond this, demonstrating the possession of testicles so massive they should be deployed in battle as a separate unit, are plentiful; [[Ollanius Pius]] is one such Guardsman, standing up to fucking [[Horus]] himself (which unfortunately has been retconned. Several times.); the original [[Dawn of War]] features the Blood Ravens running into a pair of Guardsmen who have held their position, without support, in the middle of a combined Chaos/Ork/Eldar invasion, for more than a week; [[Dawn of War II]] has Guardsmen rescued in an earlier mission returning in the finale to provide infantry support while the Blood Ravens launch an attack on a fucking [[Tyranid]] hive. These same guardsmen (led by the ever awesome [[Merrick|Sergeant Merrick]]) SURVIVE the suicidal mission and fight on for TEN MORE YEARS against the remnants of the Tyranids/Orks/Eldar, and a group totaling up to 72 still loyal IG in six separate blob-groups on frozen over Aurelia during those same ten years manage to hold out against their late fellows now in Papa Nurgle's arms who are supported by the remnants of the Black Legion in the area, while just outside the new temple to Nurgle.

Although the average front line Guardsman is highly unlikely to survive his first deployment, veteran soldiers are considered to be some of the manliest motherfuckers the Imperium has to offer, putting even the fucking SPESS MEHRENS to a billion shames. One disturbing thing is that if the tactics of the Imperial Guard were improved from WWI style warfare (overuse of artillery and mass charges against machine guns and tanks) and updated to modern style warfare (such as taking cover and using air/armor/support, which many "Elite" regiments often are, theres so much damn variety you can't really have good quality control.) the Imperial Guard ''could'' become the most feared army in the Universe but '''NO''' that's not [[grimdark]] enough! And that's the Tau's tactic. Although, do note that some commanders themselves shove off this fact and do order their men to charge the enemy lines, with or without heavy armor/artillery support and regardless of terrain.

Dan Abnett's work and their latest edition turned them into Gods of Mechanized War and yet, they still suck compared to 8 feet tall Daemonic killing machines with chainaxes. To be fair, though, that's much like comparing a sedan to a tank. I mean, how are you NOT supposed to suck against things that will slice through meter thick steel armor like so much cheese?

It may sound harsh, but the cold, hard truth of the matter is that the lowest currency in the Imperium is human life. For example, in the modern day a commander would be expected to sacrifice expensive equipment (a cruise missile ain't cheap) to save even a single life, because in the grim darkness of the far future, public outreach, civilian morale and "leave no man behind" kind of ideals tend to screw up a already overtaxed bureaucratically fucked Munitorium commanders justifiably believe it isn't worth the trouble . Instead, commanders do risk assessment. They're not going to devote resources just to save one lowly grunt if they're gonna lose a resource more expensive than what they're getting. Although to be fair, commanders who make these decisions know the moral implications of what they're doing while the Imperium treats this as a perfectly normal act.

[[File:Lord Solar Macharius.jpg|250px|left|thumb|"The meaning of victory is not to defeat your enemy but to destroy him, to eradicate him from living memory, to leave no remnant of his endeavors, to crush utterly his every achievement and remove from all record his every trace of existence. From that defeat no enemy can ever recover. That is the meaning of victory."]]

A bit of maths, if you will. There are 32,380 Hive Worlds in the Imperium. The average population of these worlds is around 200 billion each. We put these together and we get 6.476E15 (6,476,000,000,000,000 or 6.476 Quadrillion) people on Hive worlds ALONE. Eventually there would be more human retard-babies that there would be soylens viridiens and lasguns to come out of the Forge World assembly lines.

So now you see why humans are worth so little. But this also means that once they get their ass in gear and onto the battlefield, they ALWAYS win, because they have all but unlimited manpower and resources, compare it to water bashing against rocks. Sure, a few gallons won't do jack, but countless billions of tonnes crashing down on it WILL destroy it in a surprisingly short amount of time. Apply actual tactics, as every regiment that isn't Kriegan does, and it becomes [[rape|even more effective]] (Do keep in mind, it's not like they commit quintillions of troops to one battle. The Imperium frequently has to withdraw, but it's like saying "We lost the battle, BUT NOT THE WAR!").

In fact, it is point-blank stated numerous times that guardsmen are way cheaper than their lasguns. Because, you know, there are far more Hive Worlds to ''produce'' humans than there are Forge Worlds to produce lasguns. And to add more grimdark, Imperium lost a lot of forge worlds and mining worlds during the [[Time of Ending]], so there are even fewer lasguns and cardboard jackets coming from assembly lines. The [[Death Korps of Krieg]] have a specific guy who runs around battlefields shooting the wounded and collecting their gear (as well as blood and organs to fix those who still can be saved to fight next day).

But what the Imperium does have going for itself is the individual heroism of its protectors. The Guard holds countless heroes, without whom the Imperium would have fallen ages ago. Notable heroes of the Imperial Guard include: [[Ollanius Pius]], [[Straken]], [[Creed]], [[Lord Solar Macharius]], [[Ciaphas Cain|Ciaphas Cain HERO OF THE IMPERIUM]], [[Vance Motherfucking Stubbs]], [[Yarrick]], and countless others. These unique men and women inspire the masses around them to truly heroic deeds, and through those deeds, ensure that the Imperium will never falter.

==Play Style==
[[File:Glory.jpg|300px|right|thumb|Men of the Brimlock Eleventh, fighting on Voor against Orks.]]

''"You see, the [[Necron|Killbots]] have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them, until they reached their limit and shut down."'' - Zapp Brannigan, Twenty-five Star General of the Imperial Guard.

The Imperial Guard are notorious for their SIGAOD methodology: Shooty Imperial Guard Army Of Doom for the less than nerdy. The basic lasguns are downright pathetic, but can [[Dakka|still be effective if used en masse]], and we mean ''en masse''. The effect is a little like how cavemen throwing rocks could still be a threat to fully armored knights. It only takes one lucky shot and they don't stop shooting until they get lucky.

The IG has loads of vehicles. ''Loads'' of vehicles. They can take a whole squadron as a single Fast Attack or Heavy Support slot, and most are fairly cheap and most pretty good for what you pay for. There are three principle IG vehicles of note:
* First is the [[Chimera]], which is basically a troop transport with a turret. Its armor is aluminum and it is not particularly fast, but it's cheap and the passengers can still shoot while inside. At least it's more useful than the Rhino.
* The second is the iconic [[Leman Russ Battle Tank]]. It is in every way a solid, dependable, warhorse. Everything from the optional heavy sponsons, to the BFG on the turret, to the completely exposed engine in the rear. Apparently, they ran out of badass when they designed it.
* The last vehicle of note is the [[Basilisk Artillery Gun|Basilisk]]. Apparently, some tech-priest decided to take a Chimera, rip off the turret and troop compartment and replace it with the biggest piece of artillery he could find. Unfortunately, there weren't any Titan legions nearby so he settled for the Earthshaker cannon. The Earthshaker is far more powerful than even the BFG they stuck on the Leman Russ and has ten times the range. No WH40k game has been played where a target has been out of range of the Basilisk.

The three vehicles above are only a small selection of what the Guard has to offer, but they provide pretty reliable workhorses of most builds and strategies. Most other vehicles are specialized variants of the above, being largely situational units.

Let's not forget the Deathstrike Missile, which GW decided to give UNLIMITED RANGE. Players have called up GW stores the next town over and told them that I'm dropping a Deathstrike in the middle of whatever battle is closest, and they've accepted.

Also of note is 6th Edition's contribution of flyer units. The IG has the most non-apocalypse flyer units in 40k, and while some of them are absolutely useless for anything but flavor, some of them kick all kinds of ass. Triple twin-linked Lascannon, twin-linked Punisher Gatling cannons, or a flying tank-busting mega-bolter kinds of ass to be specific. Raep from above.

In summary, the Imperial Guard wins by having firepower, cannon fodder, and lots of both, transported in a massive variety of [[METAL BOXES]].

Unfortunately for the Guard, though, the Imperial Navy has a bad habit of taking ships that were designed to launch atmospheric craft in support of the Guard (such as Marauders) and instead sticks void combat attack craft inside (such as Furies). The result of this is painfully obvious if you're a Guardsman on the ground. Not to say they don't have air support, but that their air support has a presence that is completely at odds with the number of atmospheric fighters and bombers a ship can carry. The Navy literally fits whatever atmospheric fighters and bombers they can into whatever excess space remains after putting their Furies and Starhawks into hangers designed for holding countless Lightnings, Thunderbolts, Marauders, and Avengers, instead. Grimdark? No, just [[Derp|uncooperative morons]]. Enter the Hydra. The only tank designed to take out aircraft. That is BADASS. Screw the navy. Hell, some regiments have a Leman Russ for every infantry squad! Do that with Thunderbolts or Lightnings in addition to the Russ and...yeah, epic-stomp.

==Notable Figures of the Imperial Guard==
[[File:Stormtrooper vs Ork.jpg|250px|right|thumb|Who's "ded 'ard" NOW, you fat, grammatically challenged cucumber?!]]
*[[Ciaphas Cain]] - '''HERO OF THE IMPERIUM''' (Charming Commissar in the Harry Flashman/Edmund Blackadder tradition.)
*[[Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt]] - (Rambo + Sharpe + 40,000 kg of awesome) Main protagonist of Gaunt's Ghosts, and a REAL hero of the Imperium, [[grimdark|unjustly doomed to lowly obscurity]].
*[[Commissar Yarrick]] - Old one-eye. Saviour of Armageddon, twice. Known for having an Ork Klaw on his arm, having a personal Baneblade, and a [[gay|bizarre]] relationship with the ork warlord [[Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka]].
*[[Holt|Commissar Holt]] - Awesome cinematics are awesome, from Warhammer 40,000: Final Liberation.
*[[Commissar Dan]] - "But Commissar Dan says we're on a blaze for glory run!" "Commissar Dan is a ''maniac''! Never listen to anything he says." Also canon thanks to FFG.
*[[Commissar Fuklaw]] - Currently in service with the [[Angry Marines]].
*[[Commissar Raege]] - Currently trolling faggoty [[Space Marines]].
*[[General Sturnn]] - Manly damn old son of a bitch, from [[Dawn of War#Winter Assault|Dawn of War: Winter Assault]]. Struggles with grammar because of the grit in his teeth.
*[[Castor|Lord General Castor]] - Sporting a manly mustache and known for having a trophy room full of Tyranid heads.
*[[Ollanius Pius]] - The catalyst for the [[God-Emperor of Mankind|Emperor]] finally ''erasing'' [[Horus]] out of existence. (No longer canon, which is BULLSHIT! Though he DOES still exist as a Saint of the IG. No worries, /tg/ is keeping his story alive.)
*[[Vance Motherfucking Stubbs]] - Another manly bastard, <s>famous for "losing" a hundred [[Baneblade]]s.</s>{{BLAM}}{{BLAM|LIES AND CHAOS PROPAGANDA!!! There is nothing written about the Baneblades being lost.}}
*[[Colonel "Iron Hand" Straken|Colonel "I ate a Miral landshark for breakfast" Straken]] - Yet another manly fucker and another solid contender for biggest balls in the Imperial Guard.
*[[Leman Russ Battle Tank|Knight Commander Pask]] - Ed Harris in 40k. A Leman Russ tank ace that has destroyed Titans and Gargants. With a Leman Russ.
*[[Colonel Greiss]] - Straken's former commander and proof that the manliest fuckers the Imperial Guard have aren't necessarily the biggest.
*[[Creed|Lord Castellan Usarkar E. Creed]] - Famous for outflanking enemies with Titans. Must have been the work of some sort of tactical geniu-CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!
*[[Merrick]] - Tough bastard who survived a Tyranid Invasion, a Chaos uprising, ten years of nonstop combat, and putting a gun to his superior's head. Also fucking strong, since he can carry an entire heavy weapons setup on his own.
*[[Sly Marbo]] - ...by time you have read this... you are already dead... Gone, just like Creed's ability to scout titans, because GW hates awesome things.
* Engineseers - All of them. Want to repair your own tank, do you? HERE'S THE FUCKING MANUAL. By the way, it's [[Heresy]] to do it yourself.
* Lord Commander Solar Macharius - A Brilliant tactician who [[Gets Shit Done]] (in fluff) and the most useless command choice from the Second Edition Codex: Imperial Guard who would habitually screw up your entire battle plan since he rolled for his strategy rating on a D6 (which decided who got the first turn) and 4-6 would stop you firing your army-fucking pre-battle barrage. On a 6 you also had to put everything you had in reserve on the table. He also had no model and the fluff gave no idea what he looked like. IMPROVED IN 3RD ED WHEN HE GOT BETTER RULES AND A MODEL: Baseline stats are: WS D3+2, BS4, S3, T3, W4, I4, A D3+1, LD10
**Because he is slow in his old age, he has an initiative of 4, which is pretty bad, but he can potentially have four attacks with a mastercrafted power weapon at a WS of 5. He's still too wild of a character to use in a serious game, so save him for your fuck-around games, or Apocalypse.
**In conclusion, he has a terrible crunch but have a ridiculously awesome fluff being as the most successful Warmaster ever existed since the Great Crusade
*Colonel Schaeffer - The most crazy, malicious, heinous and downright evil imperial guard officer to ever exist. Most other officers are either incompetent when battlefield tactics are concerned or egocentric to the point of believing nothing else around them has a pulse, ultimately resulting in the average footslogger having such a brief lifespan. Colonel Schaeffer on the other hand, intends to make those under his command suffer in the most grueling, painful and surprisingly productive way possible.
*Colonel Jurten - Nuked the living shit out of his own planet, 'cuz Krieg ain't belonging to no one but the Big E. Then inhabited it solely with clones, mostly of himself.
*[[Commander Kubrik Chenkov]] "Now see here comrade, is all for great glory of great Stalin empero- Нет! Вернись , свинья ! {{BLAM}} What happens when a soviet commander gets transplanted into 40k. Known for being the most famous user of the "send in the next wave" tactic, [[Grimdark|wherein a squad of 50 conscript guardsman are sent into a charge and another is sent in immediately when they all inevitably die]].

==Main Advantages of Fielding an Imperial Guard Army==
*Shit loads of men to throw around the battlefield[[File:tautears.png|500px|right|thumb|Sweet, sweet salty tears.]]
*'''[[Basilisk Artillery Gun|BASILISKS]]'''
*'''[[Baneblade|BANEBLADES]]'''
*'''[[Manticore Rocket Launcher|MANTICORES]]'''
*'''[[Leman Russ Battle Tank|LEMAN RUSSES]]'''
*'''[[commissar|*BLAM*]]'''
*[[Creed|Titans acting as scouts]].
*Reasonable prices for vehicles.
*Tank Squadrons.
*The first and best [[Hydra Flak Tank|Flak Tank]].
*Loyal soldiers that can and will [[Ollanius Pius|hold the line to the bitter end]].
*[[Commissar Yarrick]]
*Cool looking models and plenty of variety to choose from.
*Standard issue adamantium balls.
*'''YOU COULD NOT POSSIBLY FORGET THAT YOUR GUYS FIELD ''THE BEST TANKS OF THE GAME'', RIGHT?'''
*'''VANQUISHERS, FUCK YOU [[tau|BLUE SKINNED PANZIES]]'''
*Did we forget to mention that all units have standard issue balls of steel? Except for Yarrick. He has adamantium balls. And [[Sly Marbo|that guy in the cardboard box]]. <del>He has Power Balls.</del>(No one has ever been able to confirm what kind of balls he has no one fucks with Sly is any form of the word and lives to tell the tale)

==<del>Downsides to being a Guardsman</del> Highly fanciful scenarios that most likely will not occur during your glorious service as a Guardsman==

While your local propaganda might say that being in the guard is the most honorable thing you could ever get into, and it is! Here is a small list of things that will very likely never happen to you and are entirely preventable with forethought, your trusty lasgun, and endless faith in the Emperor:

[[File:709869c659acffb373baece7b5d00582-d6lzjxz.jpg|right|thumb|300px|[[Awesome|Heroic last stands]] not included, [[Grimdark|but encouraged greatly]].]]

*You will die in the line of duty and no-one but your family and friends will remember you unless you've done something that only a Space Marine could do in combat. ''Anyone can do it!''
*You're expendable in every sense of the word. ''Freedom isn't free and you're the currency that pays for it!''
*Your Commissar might execute you to make your friends fight harder. ''You deserved it.''
*Your Commissar might execute your friends to make you fight harder. ''They deserved it.''
*Unless you're in a special forces division like the Kasrkin, you're really just a meatshield in large scale assaults. ''A glorious, spiffy looking meatshield!''
*"See how great this is? Your very own laser gun!"
*You can't even die when you want to. ''You don't want to be a quitter, do you?''
*You might be: [[Chaos Space Marines|mutilated, disemboweled]], [[Tyranids|eaten alive]], [[Necron|disassembled into your component atoms]], [[Chaos Gods|sacrificed to the Chaos Gods]], [[Imperium|left for dead]], [[Dark Eldar|tortured for fun by xenos]], [[Chaos|mutants, heretics and zealots]], stuffed with shurikens and lasers better than yours, or blasted by railgun rounds. ''But you'll earn the eternal gratitude of the Emperor!''
*You will be sent into hopeless situations and your superiors expect you to fight without retreating or showing cowardice. ''Just do it, no one likes a crybaby!''
*You may be used as mine clearance. By being marched through the minefield. ''That's right boys, you can teach those dastardly mines who's boss by blowing them up!''
* Even if after losing your entire regiment, watching your last-minute friends die horrendous deaths, and generally do the most gruesome work to win the day; the minute Space Marines come crashing down from the sky; They'll take all the credit for it, even if the marines themselves attribute the win to you. ''They deserve it.''
*You will be taken from your home planet and dropped on the other side of the universe to fight in a war you didn't know existed. ''Think of the interesting people you'll meet, and then subsequently possibly kill!''
*You will NEVER see your home planet again unless you are stationed there. In which case it is likely under siege by yet another one of the Imperium's foes, and will likely remain so for the remainder of your short life. ''Think of the interesting places you'll see, and then subsequently blow up!''
*5 Million of you dying under a four hour assault by orks, is considered a flawless victory by Segmentum Command (Then again that would likely be either a very large ork warband or a WAAAGH!, so GOOD JOB!). ''Better than 5 million and one, am I right?''
*If you fight along side Grey Knights, you will be *BLAMMED*, or mindfucked and lobotomized, after the battle in the interest of secrecy. ''Grey Knights don't exist, that's silly.''
*Hell, just fighting Chaos has a slight chance of you getting disposed off after the battle because the Inquisitor investigating your regiment thinks that you may be a slight, bit, tad tainted. ''You wouldn't want to spread that taint would you?''
*Even when your army are the only ones that still uses combined arms warfare, your army still sucks, since it's routinely losing entire brigades(Complete with Armor vehicles and aircraft) to any single bog-standard Space Marine and/or xeno mook. ''But not you! Your buddies and you can definitely take 'em!''

==Memorable Quotations==

[[File:Astra Militarum Symbol.jpg|right|400px]]

- "The enemies of mankind may employ dark sciences or alien weapons beyond Humanity's ken, but such deviance comes to naught in the face of honest human intolerance backed by a sufficient number of guns."

-DRIVE ME CLOSER! I want to hit them with my sword! (originally a meme that started from a picture of a Commissar standing up in a tank hatch brandishing his sword, the phrase became so popular it is one of Commissar Lord Bernn's in campaign/skirmish/multiplayer lines when he gets in a Chimera in Dawn of War II, Retribution)

- "When in doubt, throw more men at it."

- "Look at me. Look at me! ''This'' is home now, Trooper! This is the zone! It doesn't like you, but by the Throne, it's where you are! The Emperor wants you, boy! Did no one ever tell you that? The Emperor wants you to make his glory for him! And if you're scared, I'm terrified. The [[Chaos|archenemy]] is no playmate. You're going to see things, and be expected to do things your poor mother would have a fit at. But the Emperor expects, and the Emperor ''protects'', all of us, even you. Especially you - I promise you that." - [[Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt]]

- "That which I cannot crush with words alone, I shall crush with the [[Baneblade|tanks]] of the Imperial Guard!"

- "You're a fearsome warrior! Act like it!" - [[Dawn of War II|General Castor]]

- "[[Commissar|You don't die until I say so!]]"

- "[[Commissar|Glory to the first man to die! CHARGE!!!]]"

- [[Grimdark|"Yes, you shall die when assaulting a well maintained fortress]] under a [[Creed|competent]] [[Commissar|commander]]. But at least strive to make your death useful." (Paraphrased)

- "We go beyond [[Astronomican |the emperor's light]]. To the darkest reaches in the galaxy. Good thing we brought our [[lasgun|flashlights]]!"

- "To each of us falls a task, and all the Emperor requires of us Guardsmen is that we stand the line, and we die fighting. It is what we do best: We die standing." - General Sturnn, Dawn of War: Winter Assault

- "All right men! TIME TO WAGE TO WAR!" - [[Sturnn]]

-"Remember, we have more numbers men!"-sergeant in skirmish/multiplayer line from Dawn of War II Retribution

- "Let's see them fight ALL of us!" Guardsman, Dawn of War: Soulstorm

- "Infantry wins firefights, tanks win battles, artillery wins wars." - Tactica Imperialis

- "A Guardsman's LIFE is to die. My job has always been to send them where they CAN die. I'm not afraid to spend men, but I never waste them!" - [[Dawn of War II|General Castor]]

-"Eldar suck they can't even save their mams never mind them selves" - some tank commander from the 319th Catachan tank company

- "Your foe is well equipped, well-trained, battle-hardened. He believes his gods are on his side. Let him believe what he will. We have the tanks on ours." - Colonel Joachim Pfeiff,
[[Death Korps of Krieg|Krieg]] 14th Armoured Regiment

- "Baaah!" - General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett

- "Okay, okay, you caught me, (gasp), oh but look who it is! It's the God Emperor (pointing to his right)!!!" - Cornered Guardsman
"The God Emperor!?" - Sororitas
"You're all so STUPID!!!" - Fleeing Guardsman

- "We'd offer a pension if we thought you needed it..." - Unknown Recruiting Officer.

- "When in mortal danger, when beset by doubt, run in little circles, wave your hands and shout." - Parody of the Litany of Command. (More popular then you think)

- "LET ME PREACH HIS NAME!" - Priest

- "A good general does not lead an army to destruction just because he knows it will follow." - The Tactica Imperialis

- "If at first you don't succeed, bring heavier firepower!"

-LAST ONE TO DIE'S AN ELDAR!

==A Piece of Writing That Explains the Imperial Guard==
At the end of the day, though he's been ferried through [[Warp|hell]] on a ship that's ten thousand years old to some godforsaken, war-torn rock; though he deployed from high orbit with nothing but a grav chute; though he is one of ten million men and women snatched from his homeworld to fight a war he barely understands; though he has been given a weapon that fires small suns and may annihilate him as he fires because the knowledge of how it functions has been lost; though his company is supported by tractor-tanks that run on anything you can burn; though he wages war against a [[Tyranid|devouring hivemind]], ravenous [[Daemon|demons]] and [[Tau|hordes]] of [[Eldar|hyper-advanced aliens]] with strange technologies and sorceries he never dreamed existed; no one will remember his sacrifice, there will be no records of his deeds, no glorious parades in his honor, and no remembrance of his name. All he will earn is a shallow, unmarked grave on a forgotten world untold lightyears from home.

Yet for all this thankless sacrifice a Guardsman is a man, just like you. He has no [[Space Marines|millennia-old genetic engineering]], no [[Emperor|prophetic leader]], no [[Sisters of Battle|miracles of faith]]. He has his lasgun, his orders, and those beside him. He is the Imperial Guard.

[[Awesome|And he will hold the line.]]

==The Imperial Guard's anthems==
[[Image:UpliftingPrimer.jpeg|thumb|right|For more Imperial anthems, consult your [[Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer|Uplifting Primer]].]]
While the Ecclesiarchy and several, if not all, Chapters of Space Marines look down upon the frivolities of music (unless said music is sung in somberly in High Gothic and praises the Emperor) as distracting to any soldier in carrying out his Divine Duty, the Imperial Guard still makes heavy use of marching themes and anthems. Examples are given below:

* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0bcRCCg01I] - Baleeted no longer
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWBoMWZJkeI] - (none of that faggy 'murican shite)
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxapTnODhCs] - A marching song that most Training worlds use to this day.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJNz2QgSNsk] - Standard cadence song sung by veteran units.
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X82ZIZW4FcI] - Sung at the Funeral of Fallen Death Korps soldiers.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TjvKZHJeayg] - Rumored to be used by Praetorian Guard Regiments.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRIAw6LkqlE] - Again, a rumored anthem.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbw1pGUhG7Q] - This is sung by extremely hardcore and grim regiments, is rumored to have originated from Krieg.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gS1lBID2Mtw] - Popular parade piece for the Phantine Air Corps
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2SVQoRDHSAI] - Sung at the funerals of the nameless heroes
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCGB81DBzOc] - Rumored to be used by the Men of Tanith
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NyNANzc148c] - A lament for lost Tanith
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9Tye_bzl9U] - Sung by many of the Imperial armored regiments
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91kdwxFsthI] - National Anthem of the Valhallan Ice Warriors
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZujhoHZBsg]- National Anthem of the Death Korps of Krieg
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9fSEdZIM08] - March of the Death Korps of Krieg
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIVSpY8xY9I] - March of the Praetorian Lifeguard
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7Ewd8OeYEA] - sang by Cadian Regiments, also popular with Imperial Navy Pilots
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5W1NCmV_OM] - Planetary Anthem of Cadia
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NWEmnRbkRw] - Regimental march of the Kronus 1st "Liberators"
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTaD9cd8hvw] - Heard being sung by Praetorian Hussars returning from deployment in the Crimean sector
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yo6KdeCvESw] - Sung by the guardsmen of the Armageddon Steel Legion
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXH3QJrx98U] - Another favorite of the Steel Legion
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUQCmDfKFac] - Often sung by Veteran Guardsmen of Cadia during planetary deployment between outbreaks of combat.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWgsdexkv18] - Elysian Drop Troops are sometimes required to memorize the lyrics as part of their training.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yvy2_7d_VmI] - The Elysians also love singing that while they are maintaining their <strike>FAMAS</strike> Accatran Lasgun
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26cr_rBQu74&list=UUlvMzsGbi7LACFNRPTLhJjw&index=10] - A traditional folk/drinking song of the Vostroyan Light Armor and Mounted regiments.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLV4_xaYynY] - Traditional Catachan folk song. Catachan Guardsmen are sometimes heard either humming, warbling or whistling this song while on Guard duty.
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V92OBNsQgxU] - This is song is inevitably played over loudspeakers whenever there are two or more Valkyries entering the battlefield.
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVcD1gW-cQE] - This song begun to resurface throughout Valhallan Armored Regiments after a few joint missions with Knight Commander Pask's Cadian 423rd Armoured Regiment.
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAOOhfQI13s] - another anthem for Cadian Shock Troops
*[http://www.youtube.com/u2W1Wi2U9sQ] - Quite popular among Vostroyan artillery regiments.
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZpbCLdg-r8] - Heard from a regiment of Storm Troopers surfacing from an extensive period hiding behind enemy lines on an Ork-controlled world.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnaF4_LTovk] - A list of Commonly sung Krieg songs.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3uTnl78HLDQ]- Common song by the Elysian drop troops commemorating famous battles.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eji8eWwOu3g]- Sung by many Kreig units that found themselves in city warfare.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5CaQ37VYvw]- A common tune by Valhallan snipers between warzones
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrJAwCBbnuc]- Often sung by storm troopers during risky and/or frontal assaults on enemy forward positions or leading massive charges.
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwuP7EqMmsk] - A campfire song often heard from Drookian Fen Guard encampments.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7J__ZdvsZaE] - Commonly sung by Valhallan Armoured Regiments as they drive into battle
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJNz2QgSNsk] - A fight song of various Cadian regiments heard while on long marches or before an offensive push
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L740ESYghT0&index=40]- A song of Armoured Regiments of the Armageddon Steel Legion.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JKar_hChU4] - Another Krieg March song.
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ift85e38H3M] - Schola Progenium's unofficial anthem.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ut1If6vaD90] - Undisputed Anthem of the Imperial Guard.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjRskDUq_eM] - Popular among Atillan Rough riders Between deployments.
There is a disturbing lack of hell march in this list.
Whoever is responsible report to your local commissar and prepare for summary blamming.
*Problem with that: It's ''Hell'' March. The local Commissar wants to see you.
Nothing wrong with "Hell" march, if it was "Warp" March or "Heretic" March, there'd be a problem.
As it goes, does the imperial guard nor deliver the Emperor's judgement upon the Traitor, Mutant and Heretic? Their wrath(Firepower) can rightly be described as "Hell" should it be directed at you.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gfW1bkPI8Kc] - Chenkov's theme whenever he Sends in the Next Wave.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8XufxjQUnyE] - Followed by battalions of tanks and artillery barrage.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rg7tH1N182g] - And this is when the Imperial Guard goes full-scale war, game over.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mj2j7R1NL-s] - Funeral hymn utilized by multiple Guard regiments.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILsb_hospwY] - commonly sung by Vostroyan Rough Rider regiments.

==Notable Imperial Guard Forces==
Because GW was too lazy to create an original themed Imperial Guard army, they basically used RL armies as a base for them, gave them a little touch of [[Grimdark]], assorted amounts of tempered ceramite balls and placed them..........IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!

*[[Cadia|Cadian Shock Troops]] Generic occidental army/Starship troopers clones (the shitty movie, the awesome book was copied and toned down as Space Marines)... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! FOR [[Imperium|IMPERIUM]] AND [[Emprah|EMPEROR]]! <strike>COME ON YOU APES, YOU WANNA LIVE FOREVER?</strike> Shh! Who do you think we are? Chem-dogs? Discipline, man! Discipline! You'll get the Commissar riled!
*[[Catachan Jungle Fighters]] Vietnam war U.S. (And Australian) military... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! GOOD MORNING CATACHAN!
*[[Tallarn Desert Raiders]] ARABS AND BEDOUINS... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! IMPERATOR AKBAR!
*[[Armageddon Steel Legion]] Wehrmacht Mechanized Divisions... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! FÜR DEN [[Emprah|IMPERATOR]], FEUER FREI!
*[[Valhallan Ice Warriors]] Soviet Red Army... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! ЗА РОДИНУ! ЗА ТОВАРИЩА [[Emprah|ИМПЕРАТОРА]]! НИ ШАГУ НАЗАД!
*[[Mordian Iron Guard]] Prussians and Napoleonites... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! I TRY TO BE A SOLDIER AND A HALF!
*[[Death Korps of Krieg|Death Korps of Krieg]] WWI German Western Front... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!
*[[Vostroyan Firstborn]] Russian/Ukrainian Cossacks IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! FUCK THY MOTHER IN THE NAME OF EMPEROR!
*[[Elysian Drop Troops]] French or British army paratroopers... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! QUI OSE GAGNE! POUR [[Emprah|L'EMPEREUR]]! (Taros Campaign = Dien Bien Phu or Op: Market-Garden)
*[[Harakoni Warhawks]] Heavy U.S Paratroopers... IIIIIINNNN SPACE! GREEN LIGHT!!! LET'S GO!
*[[Tanith First (And Only)]] Scots and Welsh... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! TRWY CARIAD YR[[Emprah|YMERAWDWR]]!
*[[Attilan Rough Riders]] The Huns... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!
*[[Savlar Chem-Dogs]] Vietnam War US Tunnel Rats (and a bit of Mad Max PA Raiders)... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!
*[[Drookian Fen Guard]] Anglo-Scottish Border Reivers... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!
*[[Praetorian Guard]] The British Empire IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! GUARDSMEN NEEEEVVERRRR YIELD! (ever seen Zulu? Like that)
*[[Kanak Skull-Takers]] Apache Native Americans... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!
*[[Phantine Air Corps]] Battle of Britain RAF... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!

==[[/tg/_40,000#Imperial_Guard | /tg/ Homebrew Guard Forces]]==
* [[Cendra#Armed_Forces |Cendran Abolishers]] Pyromaniacs who eat the burnt flesh of their enemies.
* [[Darmine#Darmine_Marshalls | Darmine Marshalls]] Elite sharpshooters supported by huge amounts of explosive collar-fitted penal troopers.
* [[Ferdain#Ferdain_Mustangs | Ferdain Mustangs]] Cavalry regiment that use genetically tailored horses that are practically heavy armour.
* [[Sauristoni#Armed_Forces| Sauristoni Ghostchasers]] Renowned scouts and trackers who are experts on Eldar.
* [[1st Membranes]] A regiment made almost entirely of psykers from a black ship that crashed on a forge world.
* [[Arianius Divided Regiments]] Regiments are segregated along gender lines. Men are [[Choppa|slicey]] women are [[Dakka|shooty.]]
* [[Kandam | Kandamii Crabhunters]] A regiment made up of Augmented soldiers who specialize in Oceanic and Aerial warfare.
* [[Terranknights | Terran Knights]] Elite regiments recruited exclusively from Terra. As a result they have some of the best equipment in the Imperium.
* [[Hell Harlots|2478th Penal Legion, "Hell Harlots"]] All-female penal legion close combat drop troops made up entirely of the same religious prison gang.
* [[All_Guardsmen_Party| Generian 99th Medium Infantry]] The original regiment of the [[All_Guardsmen_Party | All Guardsmen Party]] spawning some of the most dangerous, heretical, yet pragmatic acolytes in the entire inquisition.
*[[Hua Yuan Exterminators|Hua Yuan Exterminators]] Tyranid hunters and Hive warfare Specialists That use unique 'Color And Mayhem' Doctrine to disorient and daze foes in the cramped environments of Hive Spires.

==See Also==
*[[Lasgun]]
*[[Chem-chan]]
*[[Sentinel]]
*[[Hellhound]]
*[[Basilisk]]
*[[Leman Russ Battle Tank]]
*[[Baneblade]]
*[[Commissar]]
*[[Imperium]]
*[[Warhammer 40,000/Tactics/Imperial Guard|Tactics/Imperial Guard]]
*[[Only War]] - The official Tabletop RPG of the Guard!
*[[Kasrkin-chan]]
*[http://www.forgeworld.co.uk/The_Horus_Heresy/Solar_Auxilia] - The Imperial Guard before they became the Astra Militarum of today, The awesome looking [[Solar Auxilia|SOLAR AUXILIA]]! Thank the Emperor for [[Forge World]].

==Gallery==
{{Promotions}}
<center>
<gallery>
Image:Guardsman.jpg|<s>This is painfully accurate.</s> Except for missing the FUCKHEUG BALLS OF STEEL.
Image:Guardsmen.jpg|But this works too.
Image:Warhammer-orcs.jpg| Come and get some, fucking green-skinned faggots!
Image:Winterassault.jpg|Who needs Pauldrons?
Image:Greeting.jpg
image:Mira.jpg
Image:Repercussions.png|Commissar in action
Image:IG_(1).jpg|What the [[Jokaero]] should have been.
Image:balls.jpg|Imagine this, only 4 times bigger, heck even the women have 'em!
Image:IG_(2).jpg|<s>Shouldn't this instead be called 'Full Metal Flak-Jacket'?</s> FMJs are bullets,and lasrifles don't have bullets.
Image:Propaganda_by_DemonMads.jpg
Image:YoDawg.jpg
Image:IG_melta.jpg
Image:Catachan-n.jpg
Image:IG_Babes_(1).jpg
Image:IG_Babes_(2).jpg
Image:IG_Babes_(3).jpg
Image:IG_Babes_(5).jpg
Image:Kasrkin_chan_sans_helmet_by_Jaekyu.jpg
Image:Kasrkin_chan_by_Jaekyu.jpg|"Thank the Emperor! Action!"
Image:IG_Babes_(4).jpg
Image:Imperial_Guardswoman_by_IronShrineMaiden.jpg|Ponytails and light weaponry are standard issue.
Image:Krieg_chan_01_by_Jaekyu.jpg
Image:Krieg_chan_by_Jaekyu.jpg
Image:Tallarn_chan_Colored_by_FilthyBusiness.jpg
Image:1227223498011.jpg
Image:Vostroy_chan_by_Jaekyu.jpg|Vostroya is a cold and crappy place. Still people like it there. Guess why?
Image:IG_mot1.jpg
Image:IG_mot2.jpg
Image:IG_mot3.jpg
Image:F0r t3h Emp3r0r by Kazuv.jpg|Even pregnant chicks get conscripted.
Image:1267818498305.jpg|One should never underestimate the awesomeness of a Guardsman.
Image:Magnus Kale.png|Guardsmen - They Just Never Stop
Image:GuardsmanHelmet.jpg|This man shows doubt. He will soon be executed.
Image:1230085088983.png|[[wat]]
Image:Basilisk.png|[[Basilisk]]s are [[AWESOME]]
Image:Grimdark checkers.jpg|In the grimdarkness of the 41st millennium, there are still old men playing checkers.
Image:The Courage of Man.png|AVE IMPERATOR MOTHERFUCKERS!

</gallery>
</center>

{{Template:Imperium}}
{{40k-Imperial-Regiments}}
[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Imperial]]

Imperial Guard

2016-03-06T20:05:17Z

2601:285:103:64A:B546:455B:1C5F:E921: /* Overview */

{{Awesome}}
[[File:Macharius Charge.png|400px|thumb|right|His name struck fear into hearts of men]]
''"Battle is the most magnificent competition in which a human being can indulge. It brings out all that is best; it removes all that is base. All men are afraid in battle. The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty. Duty is the essence of manhood."''

''"Wars may be fought with weapons, but they are won by men."''

- George S. Patton

''"Quantity has a quality all of its own"'' - Joseph Stalin

''"To each of us falls a task, and all the [[Emperor]] requires of us Guardsmen is that we stand the line, and we die fighting. It is what we do ''best'' - we die standing."'' - [[General Sturnn]] of the Imperial Guard

The '''Imperial Guard''' (officially titled the '''Astra Militarum''' as of [[Warhammer 40,000 6th Edition|6th edition]], cause fuck your original name if GW can't trademark it), are the foot soldiers of the [[Imperium]] in [[Warhammer 40,000]]. They only exist to die gloriously in the [[Empra]]'s name. [[Commissar]]s (like [[Holt]] and [[Ciaphas Cain]]) ensure they do so by executing any cowards or deserters. Though the average Guardsman is only capable of drawing enemy fire and shining a [[Lasgun|flashlight]] at his enemies, much more fortunate Guardsmen get to drive the tanks and other armored vehicles fielded by the IG, which proceed to blow their enemies into little chunks from a very long way away.

==Overview==
It is worth noting that in a universe where the majority of the other armies are either:
* [[Necron|Ancient Murdering Robots that destroy the laws of physics with their tech and don't die even if they are nuked]]
* [[Space Marines|Genetically engineered killing machines]]
* [[Chaos Space Marines|The evil twin brother of the Genetically engineered killing machines]], with equally evil goatees
* Clad in [[pauldrons|powered armor]]
* [[Ork|Extremely warlike genetically-engineered fungus able to grow bigger and stronger the more they fight.]]
* [[Eldar|Manipulative space elves]] in possession of extremely cheesy technology and can jump around making damn accurate shots like Quake players
* The above-mentioned space elves' [[Dark Eldar|emo, bondage obsessed cousins]] who like to meet interesting people, shoot them a little, then torture them for eternity
* Highly-advanced [[Tau|space Communists]] with mecha and god-like firepower that surprisingly uses Combined Arms Warfare more than Imperial Guard
* [[Tyranid|Mutant 10ft tall space monsters with lots of teeth to devour you with]]
* [[Tyranid|Come in such a huge swarms that you literally run out of ammo before your guns can chew through half of them]]
* [[Daemon]]s with a billion tentacles to rape you with
* [[Rak'gol|Reptilian/Insectoid abominations that kill you and mutilate your body because they think its "Funny"]]
* Some combination of the above

[[File:Trance.jpg|300px|right|thumb|"Welcome to the jungle, we've got fun and games!"]]
The foot soldiers of the Imperial Guard take to the field equipped with nothing more than the 40k equivalent of flak jackets, glorified laser pointers, a copy of the [[Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer]] (<strike>if they have not already used it for toilet paper</strike>.{{BLAM}} Note: it is highly recommended that you do not use it as toilet paper, to prevent BLAMing) and a pair of Mars-pattern forged titanium plated balls. Please note that whilst the Lasgun and Flak armor are very good by modern standards, they're just flashlights and t-shirts compared to the automatic mini-rocket launchers and power armor everyone else uses. This means they have balls of steel (as in Duke Nukem would say, "Holy shit! I thought I had balls of steel!").

Examples of Guardsmen going above and beyond this, demonstrating the possession of testicles so massive they should be deployed in battle as a separate unit, are plentiful; [[Ollanius Pius]] is one such Guardsman, standing up to fucking [[Horus]] himself (which unfortunately has been retconned. Several times.); the original [[Dawn of War]] features the Blood Ravens running into a pair of Guardsmen who have held their position, without support, in the middle of a combined Chaos/Ork/Eldar invasion, for more than a week; [[Dawn of War II]] has Guardsmen rescued in an earlier mission returning in the finale to provide infantry support while the Blood Ravens launch an attack on a fucking [[Tyranid]] hive. These same guardsmen (led by the ever awesome [[Merrick|Sergeant Merrick]]) SURVIVE the suicidal mission and fight on for TEN MORE YEARS against the remnants of the Tyranids/Orks/Eldar, and a group totaling up to 72 still loyal IG in six separate blob-groups on frozen over Aurelia during those same ten years manage to hold out against their late fellows now in Papa Nurgle's arms who are supported by the remnants of the Black Legion in the area, while just outside the new temple to Nurgle.

Although the average front line Guardsman is highly unlikely to survive his first deployment, veteran soldiers are considered to be some of the manliest motherfuckers the Imperium has to offer, putting even the fucking SPESS MEHRENS to a billion shames. One disturbing thing is that if the tactics of the Imperial Guard were improved from WWI style warfare (overuse of artillery and mass charges against machine guns and tanks) and updated to modern style warfare (such as taking cover and using air/armor/support, which many "Elite" regiments often are, tehres so much damn variety you can't really have good quality control.) the Imperial Guard ''could'' become the most feared army in the Universe but '''NO''' that's not [[grimdark]] enough! And that's the Tau's tactic. Although, do note that some commanders themselves shove off this fact and do order their men to charge the enemy lines, with or without heavy armor/artillery support and regardless of terrain.

Dan Abnett's work and their latest edition turned them into Gods of Mechanized War and yet, they still suck compared to 8 feet tall Daemonic killing machines with chainaxes. To be fair, though, that's much like comparing a sedan to a tank. I mean, how are you NOT supposed to suck against things that will slice through meter thick steel armor like so much cheese?

It may sound harsh, but the cold, hard truth of the matter is that the lowest currency in the Imperium is human life. For example, in the modern day a commander would be expected to sacrifice expensive equipment (a cruise missile ain't cheap) to save even a single life, because in the grim darkness of the far future, public outreach, civilian morale and "leave no man behind" kind of ideals tend to screw up a already overtaxed bureaucratically fucked Munitorium commanders justifiably believe it isn't worth the trouble . Instead, commanders do risk assessment. They're not going to devote resources just to save one lowly grunt if they're gonna lose a resource more expensive than what they're getting. Although to be fair, commanders who make these decisions know the moral implications of what they're doing while the Imperium treats this as a perfectly normal act.

[[File:Lord Solar Macharius.jpg|250px|left|thumb|"The meaning of victory is not to defeat your enemy but to destroy him, to eradicate him from living memory, to leave no remnant of his endeavors, to crush utterly his every achievement and remove from all record his every trace of existence. From that defeat no enemy can ever recover. That is the meaning of victory."]]

A bit of maths, if you will. There are 32,380 Hive Worlds in the Imperium. The average population of these worlds is around 200 billion each. We put these together and we get 6.476E15 (6,476,000,000,000,000 or 6.476 Quadrillion) people on Hive worlds ALONE. Eventually there would be more human retard-babies that there would be soylens viridiens and lasguns to come out of the Forge World assembly lines.

So now you see why humans are worth so little. But this also means that once they get their ass in gear and onto the battlefield, they ALWAYS win, because they have all but unlimited manpower and resources, compare it to water bashing against rocks. Sure, a few gallons won't do jack, but countless billions of tonnes crashing down on it WILL destroy it in a surprisingly short amount of time. Apply actual tactics, as every regiment that isn't Kriegan does, and it becomes [[rape|even more effective]] (Do keep in mind, it's not like they commit quintillions of troops to one battle. The Imperium frequently has to withdraw, but it's like saying "We lost the battle, BUT NOT THE WAR!").

In fact, it is point-blank stated numerous times that guardsmen are way cheaper than their lasguns. Because, you know, there are far more Hive Worlds to ''produce'' humans than there are Forge Worlds to produce lasguns. And to add more grimdark, Imperium lost a lot of forge worlds and mining worlds during the [[Time of Ending]], so there are even fewer lasguns and cardboard jackets coming from assembly lines. The [[Death Korps of Krieg]] have a specific guy who runs around battlefields shooting the wounded and collecting their gear (as well as blood and organs to fix those who still can be saved to fight next day).

But what the Imperium does have going for itself is the individual heroism of its protectors. The Guard holds countless heroes, without whom the Imperium would have fallen ages ago. Notable heroes of the Imperial Guard include: [[Ollanius Pius]], [[Straken]], [[Creed]], [[Lord Solar Macharius]], [[Ciaphas Cain|Ciaphas Cain HERO OF THE IMPERIUM]], [[Vance Motherfucking Stubbs]], [[Yarrick]], and countless others. These unique men and women inspire the masses around them to truly heroic deeds, and through those deeds, ensure that the Imperium will never falter.

==Play Style==
[[File:Glory.jpg|300px|right|thumb|Men of the Brimlock Eleventh, fighting on Voor against Orks.]]

''"You see, the [[Necron|Killbots]] have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them, until they reached their limit and shut down."'' - Zapp Brannigan, Twenty-five Star General of the Imperial Guard.

The Imperial Guard are notorious for their SIGAOD methodology: Shooty Imperial Guard Army Of Doom for the less than nerdy. The basic lasguns are downright pathetic, but can [[Dakka|still be effective if used en masse]], and we mean ''en masse''. The effect is a little like how cavemen throwing rocks could still be a threat to fully armored knights. It only takes one lucky shot and they don't stop shooting until they get lucky.

The IG has loads of vehicles. ''Loads'' of vehicles. They can take a whole squadron as a single Fast Attack or Heavy Support slot, and most are fairly cheap and most pretty good for what you pay for. There are three principle IG vehicles of note:
* First is the [[Chimera]], which is basically a troop transport with a turret. Its armor is aluminum and it is not particularly fast, but it's cheap and the passengers can still shoot while inside. At least it's more useful than the Rhino.
* The second is the iconic [[Leman Russ Battle Tank]]. It is in every way a solid, dependable, warhorse. Everything from the optional heavy sponsons, to the BFG on the turret, to the completely exposed engine in the rear. Apparently, they ran out of badass when they designed it.
* The last vehicle of note is the [[Basilisk Artillery Gun|Basilisk]]. Apparently, some tech-priest decided to take a Chimera, rip off the turret and troop compartment and replace it with the biggest piece of artillery he could find. Unfortunately, there weren't any Titan legions nearby so he settled for the Earthshaker cannon. The Earthshaker is far more powerful than even the BFG they stuck on the Leman Russ and has ten times the range. No WH40k game has been played where a target has been out of range of the Basilisk.

The three vehicles above are only a small selection of what the Guard has to offer, but they provide pretty reliable workhorses of most builds and strategies. Most other vehicles are specialized variants of the above, being largely situational units.

Let's not forget the Deathstrike Missile, which GW decided to give UNLIMITED RANGE. Players have called up GW stores the next town over and told them that I'm dropping a Deathstrike in the middle of whatever battle is closest, and they've accepted.

Also of note is 6th Edition's contribution of flyer units. The IG has the most non-apocalypse flyer units in 40k, and while some of them are absolutely useless for anything but flavor, some of them kick all kinds of ass. Triple twin-linked Lascannon, twin-linked Punisher Gatling cannons, or a flying tank-busting mega-bolter kinds of ass to be specific. Raep from above.

In summary, the Imperial Guard wins by having firepower, cannon fodder, and lots of both, transported in a massive variety of [[METAL BOXES]].

Unfortunately for the Guard, though, the Imperial Navy has a bad habit of taking ships that were designed to launch atmospheric craft in support of the Guard (such as Marauders) and instead sticks void combat attack craft inside (such as Furies). The result of this is painfully obvious if you're a Guardsman on the ground. Not to say they don't have air support, but that their air support has a presence that is completely at odds with the number of atmospheric fighters and bombers a ship can carry. The Navy literally fits whatever atmospheric fighters and bombers they can into whatever excess space remains after putting their Furies and Starhawks into hangers designed for holding countless Lightnings, Thunderbolts, Marauders, and Avengers, instead. Grimdark? No, just [[Derp|uncooperative morons]]. Enter the Hydra. The only tank designed to take out aircraft. That is BADASS. Screw the navy. Hell, some regiments have a Leman Russ for every infantry squad! Do that with Thunderbolts or Lightnings in addition to the Russ and...yeah, epic-stomp.

==Notable Figures of the Imperial Guard==
[[File:Stormtrooper vs Ork.jpg|250px|right|thumb|Who's "ded 'ard" NOW, you fat, grammatically challenged cucumber?!]]
*[[Ciaphas Cain]] - '''HERO OF THE IMPERIUM''' (Charming Commissar in the Harry Flashman/Edmund Blackadder tradition.)
*[[Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt]] - (Rambo + Sharpe + 40,000 kg of awesome) Main protagonist of Gaunt's Ghosts, and a REAL hero of the Imperium, [[grimdark|unjustly doomed to lowly obscurity]].
*[[Commissar Yarrick]] - Old one-eye. Saviour of Armageddon, twice. Known for having an Ork Klaw on his arm, having a personal Baneblade, and a [[gay|bizarre]] relationship with the ork warlord [[Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka]].
*[[Holt|Commissar Holt]] - Awesome cinematics are awesome, from Warhammer 40,000: Final Liberation.
*[[Commissar Dan]] - "But Commissar Dan says we're on a blaze for glory run!" "Commissar Dan is a ''maniac''! Never listen to anything he says." Also canon thanks to FFG.
*[[Commissar Fuklaw]] - Currently in service with the [[Angry Marines]].
*[[Commissar Raege]] - Currently trolling faggoty [[Space Marines]].
*[[General Sturnn]] - Manly damn old son of a bitch, from [[Dawn of War#Winter Assault|Dawn of War: Winter Assault]]. Struggles with grammar because of the grit in his teeth.
*[[Castor|Lord General Castor]] - Sporting a manly mustache and known for having a trophy room full of Tyranid heads.
*[[Ollanius Pius]] - The catalyst for the [[God-Emperor of Mankind|Emperor]] finally ''erasing'' [[Horus]] out of existence. (No longer canon, which is BULLSHIT! Though he DOES still exist as a Saint of the IG. No worries, /tg/ is keeping his story alive.)
*[[Vance Motherfucking Stubbs]] - Another manly bastard, <s>famous for "losing" a hundred [[Baneblade]]s.</s>{{BLAM}}{{BLAM|LIES AND CHAOS PROPAGANDA!!! There is nothing written about the Baneblades being lost.}}
*[[Colonel "Iron Hand" Straken|Colonel "I ate a Miral landshark for breakfast" Straken]] - Yet another manly fucker and another solid contender for biggest balls in the Imperial Guard.
*[[Leman Russ Battle Tank|Knight Commander Pask]] - Ed Harris in 40k. A Leman Russ tank ace that has destroyed Titans and Gargants. With a Leman Russ.
*[[Colonel Greiss]] - Straken's former commander and proof that the manliest fuckers the Imperial Guard have aren't necessarily the biggest.
*[[Creed|Lord Castellan Usarkar E. Creed]] - Famous for outflanking enemies with Titans. Must have been the work of some sort of tactical geniu-CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!
*[[Merrick]] - Tough bastard who survived a Tyranid Invasion, a Chaos uprising, ten years of nonstop combat, and putting a gun to his superior's head. Also fucking strong, since he can carry an entire heavy weapons setup on his own.
*[[Sly Marbo]] - ...by time you have read this... you are already dead... Gone, just like Creed's ability to scout titans, because GW hates awesome things.
* Engineseers - All of them. Want to repair your own tank, do you? HERE'S THE FUCKING MANUAL. By the way, it's [[Heresy]] to do it yourself.
* Lord Commander Solar Macharius - A Brilliant tactician who [[Gets Shit Done]] (in fluff) and the most useless command choice from the Second Edition Codex: Imperial Guard who would habitually screw up your entire battle plan since he rolled for his strategy rating on a D6 (which decided who got the first turn) and 4-6 would stop you firing your army-fucking pre-battle barrage. On a 6 you also had to put everything you had in reserve on the table. He also had no model and the fluff gave no idea what he looked like. IMPROVED IN 3RD ED WHEN HE GOT BETTER RULES AND A MODEL: Baseline stats are: WS D3+2, BS4, S3, T3, W4, I4, A D3+1, LD10
**Because he is slow in his old age, he has an initiative of 4, which is pretty bad, but he can potentially have four attacks with a mastercrafted power weapon at a WS of 5. He's still too wild of a character to use in a serious game, so save him for your fuck-around games, or Apocalypse.
**In conclusion, he has a terrible crunch but have a ridiculously awesome fluff being as the most successful Warmaster ever existed since the Great Crusade
*Colonel Schaeffer - The most crazy, malicious, heinous and downright evil imperial guard officer to ever exist. Most other officers are either incompetent when battlefield tactics are concerned or egocentric to the point of believing nothing else around them has a pulse, ultimately resulting in the average footslogger having such a brief lifespan. Colonel Schaeffer on the other hand, intends to make those under his command suffer in the most grueling, painful and surprisingly productive way possible.
*Colonel Jurten - Nuked the living shit out of his own planet, 'cuz Krieg ain't belonging to no one but the Big E. Then inhabited it solely with clones, mostly of himself.
*[[Commander Kubrik Chenkov]] "Now see here comrade, is all for great glory of great Stalin empero- Нет! Вернись , свинья ! {{BLAM}} What happens when a soviet commander gets transplanted into 40k. Known for being the most famous user of the "send in the next wave" tactic, [[Grimdark|wherein a squad of 50 conscript guardsman are sent into a charge and another is sent in immediately when they all inevitably die]].

==Main Advantages of Fielding an Imperial Guard Army==
*Shit loads of men to throw around the battlefield[[File:tautears.png|500px|right|thumb|Sweet, sweet salty tears.]]
*'''[[Basilisk Artillery Gun|BASILISKS]]'''
*'''[[Baneblade|BANEBLADES]]'''
*'''[[Manticore Rocket Launcher|MANTICORES]]'''
*'''[[Leman Russ Battle Tank|LEMAN RUSSES]]'''
*'''[[commissar|*BLAM*]]'''
*[[Creed|Titans acting as scouts]].
*Reasonable prices for vehicles.
*Tank Squadrons.
*The first and best [[Hydra Flak Tank|Flak Tank]].
*Loyal soldiers that can and will [[Ollanius Pius|hold the line to the bitter end]].
*[[Commissar Yarrick]]
*Cool looking models and plenty of variety to choose from.
*Standard issue adamantium balls.
*'''YOU COULD NOT POSSIBLY FORGET THAT YOUR GUYS FIELD ''THE BEST TANKS OF THE GAME'', RIGHT?'''
*'''VANQUISHERS, FUCK YOU [[tau|BLUE SKINNED PANZIES]]'''
*Did we forget to mention that all units have standard issue balls of steel? Except for Yarrick. He has adamantium balls. And [[Sly Marbo|that guy in the cardboard box]]. <del>He has Power Balls.</del>(No one has ever been able to confirm what kind of balls he has no one fucks with Sly is any form of the word and lives to tell the tale)

==<del>Downsides to being a Guardsman</del> Highly fanciful scenarios that most likely will not occur during your glorious service as a Guardsman==

While your local propaganda might say that being in the guard is the most honorable thing you could ever get into, and it is! Here is a small list of things that will very likely never happen to you and are entirely preventable with forethought, your trusty lasgun, and endless faith in the Emperor:

[[File:709869c659acffb373baece7b5d00582-d6lzjxz.jpg|right|thumb|300px|[[Awesome|Heroic last stands]] not included, [[Grimdark|but encouraged greatly]].]]

*You will die in the line of duty and no-one but your family and friends will remember you unless you've done something that only a Space Marine could do in combat. ''Anyone can do it!''
*You're expendable in every sense of the word. ''Freedom isn't free and you're the currency that pays for it!''
*Your Commissar might execute you to make your friends fight harder. ''You deserved it.''
*Your Commissar might execute your friends to make you fight harder. ''They deserved it.''
*Unless you're in a special forces division like the Kasrkin, you're really just a meatshield in large scale assaults. ''A glorious, spiffy looking meatshield!''
*"See how great this is? Your very own laser gun!"
*You can't even die when you want to. ''You don't want to be a quitter, do you?''
*You might be: [[Chaos Space Marines|mutilated, disemboweled]], [[Tyranids|eaten alive]], [[Necron|disassembled into your component atoms]], [[Chaos Gods|sacrificed to the Chaos Gods]], [[Imperium|left for dead]], [[Dark Eldar|tortured for fun by xenos]], [[Chaos|mutants, heretics and zealots]], stuffed with shurikens and lasers better than yours, or blasted by railgun rounds. ''But you'll earn the eternal gratitude of the Emperor!''
*You will be sent into hopeless situations and your superiors expect you to fight without retreating or showing cowardice. ''Just do it, no one likes a crybaby!''
*You may be used as mine clearance. By being marched through the minefield. ''That's right boys, you can teach those dastardly mines who's boss by blowing them up!''
* Even if after losing your entire regiment, watching your last-minute friends die horrendous deaths, and generally do the most gruesome work to win the day; the minute Space Marines come crashing down from the sky; They'll take all the credit for it, even if the marines themselves attribute the win to you. ''They deserve it.''
*You will be taken from your home planet and dropped on the other side of the universe to fight in a war you didn't know existed. ''Think of the interesting people you'll meet, and then subsequently possibly kill!''
*You will NEVER see your home planet again unless you are stationed there. In which case it is likely under siege by yet another one of the Imperium's foes, and will likely remain so for the remainder of your short life. ''Think of the interesting places you'll see, and then subsequently blow up!''
*5 Million of you dying under a four hour assault by orks, is considered a flawless victory by Segmentum Command (Then again that would likely be either a very large ork warband or a WAAAGH!, so GOOD JOB!). ''Better than 5 million and one, am I right?''
*If you fight along side Grey Knights, you will be *BLAMMED*, or mindfucked and lobotomized, after the battle in the interest of secrecy. ''Grey Knights don't exist, that's silly.''
*Hell, just fighting Chaos has a slight chance of you getting disposed off after the battle because the Inquisitor investigating your regiment thinks that you may be a slight, bit, tad tainted. ''You wouldn't want to spread that taint would you?''
*Even when your army are the only ones that still uses combined arms warfare, your army still sucks, since it's routinely losing entire brigades(Complete with Armor vehicles and aircraft) to any single bog-standard Space Marine and/or xeno mook. ''But not you! Your buddies and you can definitely take 'em!''

==Memorable Quotations==

[[File:Astra Militarum Symbol.jpg|right|400px]]

- "The enemies of mankind may employ dark sciences or alien weapons beyond Humanity's ken, but such deviance comes to naught in the face of honest human intolerance backed by a sufficient number of guns."

-DRIVE ME CLOSER! I want to hit them with my sword! (originally a meme that started from a picture of a Commissar standing up in a tank hatch brandishing his sword, the phrase became so popular it is one of Commissar Lord Bernn's in campaign/skirmish/multiplayer lines when he gets in a Chimera in Dawn of War II, Retribution)

- "When in doubt, throw more men at it."

- "Look at me. Look at me! ''This'' is home now, Trooper! This is the zone! It doesn't like you, but by the Throne, it's where you are! The Emperor wants you, boy! Did no one ever tell you that? The Emperor wants you to make his glory for him! And if you're scared, I'm terrified. The [[Chaos|archenemy]] is no playmate. You're going to see things, and be expected to do things your poor mother would have a fit at. But the Emperor expects, and the Emperor ''protects'', all of us, even you. Especially you - I promise you that." - [[Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt]]

- "That which I cannot crush with words alone, I shall crush with the [[Baneblade|tanks]] of the Imperial Guard!"

- "You're a fearsome warrior! Act like it!" - [[Dawn of War II|General Castor]]

- "[[Commissar|You don't die until I say so!]]"

- "[[Commissar|Glory to the first man to die! CHARGE!!!]]"

- [[Grimdark|"Yes, you shall die when assaulting a well maintained fortress]] under a [[Creed|competent]] [[Commissar|commander]]. But at least strive to make your death useful." (Paraphrased)

- "We go beyond [[Astronomican |the emperor's light]]. To the darkest reaches in the galaxy. Good thing we brought our [[lasgun|flashlights]]!"

- "To each of us falls a task, and all the Emperor requires of us Guardsmen is that we stand the line, and we die fighting. It is what we do best: We die standing." - General Sturnn, Dawn of War: Winter Assault

- "All right men! TIME TO WAGE TO WAR!" - [[Sturnn]]

-"Remember, we have more numbers men!"-sergeant in skirmish/multiplayer line from Dawn of War II Retribution

- "Let's see them fight ALL of us!" Guardsman, Dawn of War: Soulstorm

- "Infantry wins firefights, tanks win battles, artillery wins wars." - Tactica Imperialis

- "A Guardsman's LIFE is to die. My job has always been to send them where they CAN die. I'm not afraid to spend men, but I never waste them!" - [[Dawn of War II|General Castor]]

-"Eldar suck they can't even save their mams never mind them selves" - some tank commander from the 319th Catachan tank company

- "Your foe is well equipped, well-trained, battle-hardened. He believes his gods are on his side. Let him believe what he will. We have the tanks on ours." - Colonel Joachim Pfeiff,
[[Death Korps of Krieg|Krieg]] 14th Armoured Regiment

- "Baaah!" - General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett

- "Okay, okay, you caught me, (gasp), oh but look who it is! It's the God Emperor (pointing to his right)!!!" - Cornered Guardsman
"The God Emperor!?" - Sororitas
"You're all so STUPID!!!" - Fleeing Guardsman

- "We'd offer a pension if we thought you needed it..." - Unknown Recruiting Officer.

- "When in mortal danger, when beset by doubt, run in little circles, wave your hands and shout." - Parody of the Litany of Command. (More popular then you think)

- "LET ME PREACH HIS NAME!" - Priest

- "A good general does not lead an army to destruction just because he knows it will follow." - The Tactica Imperialis

- "If at first you don't succeed, bring heavier firepower!"

-LAST ONE TO DIE'S AN ELDAR!

==A Piece of Writing That Explains the Imperial Guard==
At the end of the day, though he's been ferried through [[Warp|hell]] on a ship that's ten thousand years old to some godforsaken, war-torn rock; though he deployed from high orbit with nothing but a grav chute; though he is one of ten million men and women snatched from his homeworld to fight a war he barely understands; though he has been given a weapon that fires small suns and may annihilate him as he fires because the knowledge of how it functions has been lost; though his company is supported by tractor-tanks that run on anything you can burn; though he wages war against a [[Tyranid|devouring hivemind]], ravenous [[Daemon|demons]] and [[Tau|hordes]] of [[Eldar|hyper-advanced aliens]] with strange technologies and sorceries he never dreamed existed; no one will remember his sacrifice, there will be no records of his deeds, no glorious parades in his honor, and no remembrance of his name. All he will earn is a shallow, unmarked grave on a forgotten world untold lightyears from home.

Yet for all this thankless sacrifice a Guardsman is a man, just like you. He has no [[Space Marines|millennia-old genetic engineering]], no [[Emperor|prophetic leader]], no [[Sisters of Battle|miracles of faith]]. He has his lasgun, his orders, and those beside him. He is the Imperial Guard.

[[Awesome|And he will hold the line.]]

==The Imperial Guard's anthems==
[[Image:UpliftingPrimer.jpeg|thumb|right|For more Imperial anthems, consult your [[Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer|Uplifting Primer]].]]
While the Ecclesiarchy and several, if not all, Chapters of Space Marines look down upon the frivolities of music (unless said music is sung in somberly in High Gothic and praises the Emperor) as distracting to any soldier in carrying out his Divine Duty, the Imperial Guard still makes heavy use of marching themes and anthems. Examples are given below:

* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0bcRCCg01I] - Baleeted no longer
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWBoMWZJkeI] - (none of that faggy 'murican shite)
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxapTnODhCs] - A marching song that most Training worlds use to this day.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJNz2QgSNsk] - Standard cadence song sung by veteran units.
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X82ZIZW4FcI] - Sung at the Funeral of Fallen Death Korps soldiers.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TjvKZHJeayg] - Rumored to be used by Praetorian Guard Regiments.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRIAw6LkqlE] - Again, a rumored anthem.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbw1pGUhG7Q] - This is sung by extremely hardcore and grim regiments, is rumored to have originated from Krieg.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gS1lBID2Mtw] - Popular parade piece for the Phantine Air Corps
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2SVQoRDHSAI] - Sung at the funerals of the nameless heroes
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCGB81DBzOc] - Rumored to be used by the Men of Tanith
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NyNANzc148c] - A lament for lost Tanith
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9Tye_bzl9U] - Sung by many of the Imperial armored regiments
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91kdwxFsthI] - National Anthem of the Valhallan Ice Warriors
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZujhoHZBsg]- National Anthem of the Death Korps of Krieg
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9fSEdZIM08] - March of the Death Korps of Krieg
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIVSpY8xY9I] - March of the Praetorian Lifeguard
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7Ewd8OeYEA] - sang by Cadian Regiments, also popular with Imperial Navy Pilots
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5W1NCmV_OM] - Planetary Anthem of Cadia
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NWEmnRbkRw] - Regimental march of the Kronus 1st "Liberators"
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTaD9cd8hvw] - Heard being sung by Praetorian Hussars returning from deployment in the Crimean sector
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yo6KdeCvESw] - Sung by the guardsmen of the Armageddon Steel Legion
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXH3QJrx98U] - Another favorite of the Steel Legion
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUQCmDfKFac] - Often sung by Veteran Guardsmen of Cadia during planetary deployment between outbreaks of combat.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWgsdexkv18] - Elysian Drop Troops are sometimes required to memorize the lyrics as part of their training.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yvy2_7d_VmI] - The Elysians also love singing that while they are maintaining their <strike>FAMAS</strike> Accatran Lasgun
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26cr_rBQu74&list=UUlvMzsGbi7LACFNRPTLhJjw&index=10] - A traditional folk/drinking song of the Vostroyan Light Armor and Mounted regiments.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLV4_xaYynY] - Traditional Catachan folk song. Catachan Guardsmen are sometimes heard either humming, warbling or whistling this song while on Guard duty.
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V92OBNsQgxU] - This is song is inevitably played over loudspeakers whenever there are two or more Valkyries entering the battlefield.
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVcD1gW-cQE] - This song begun to resurface throughout Valhallan Armored Regiments after a few joint missions with Knight Commander Pask's Cadian 423rd Armoured Regiment.
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAOOhfQI13s] - another anthem for Cadian Shock Troops
*[http://www.youtube.com/u2W1Wi2U9sQ] - Quite popular among Vostroyan artillery regiments.
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZpbCLdg-r8] - Heard from a regiment of Storm Troopers surfacing from an extensive period hiding behind enemy lines on an Ork-controlled world.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnaF4_LTovk] - A list of Commonly sung Krieg songs.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3uTnl78HLDQ]- Common song by the Elysian drop troops commemorating famous battles.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eji8eWwOu3g]- Sung by many Kreig units that found themselves in city warfare.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5CaQ37VYvw]- A common tune by Valhallan snipers between warzones
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrJAwCBbnuc]- Often sung by storm troopers during risky and/or frontal assaults on enemy forward positions or leading massive charges.
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwuP7EqMmsk] - A campfire song often heard from Drookian Fen Guard encampments.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7J__ZdvsZaE] - Commonly sung by Valhallan Armoured Regiments as they drive into battle
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJNz2QgSNsk] - A fight song of various Cadian regiments heard while on long marches or before an offensive push
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L740ESYghT0&index=40]- A song of Armoured Regiments of the Armageddon Steel Legion.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JKar_hChU4] - Another Krieg March song.
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ift85e38H3M] - Schola Progenium's unofficial anthem.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ut1If6vaD90] - Undisputed Anthem of the Imperial Guard.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjRskDUq_eM] - Popular among Atillan Rough riders Between deployments.
There is a disturbing lack of hell march in this list.
Whoever is responsible report to your local commissar and prepare for summary blamming.
*Problem with that: It's ''Hell'' March. The local Commissar wants to see you.
Nothing wrong with "Hell" march, if it was "Warp" March or "Heretic" March, there'd be a problem.
As it goes, does the imperial guard nor deliver the Emperor's judgement upon the Traitor, Mutant and Heretic? Their wrath(Firepower) can rightly be described as "Hell" should it be directed at you.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gfW1bkPI8Kc] - Chenkov's theme whenever he Sends in the Next Wave.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8XufxjQUnyE] - Followed by battalions of tanks and artillery barrage.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rg7tH1N182g] - And this is when the Imperial Guard goes full-scale war, game over.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mj2j7R1NL-s] - Funeral hymn utilized by multiple Guard regiments.
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILsb_hospwY] - commonly sung by Vostroyan Rough Rider regiments.

==Notable Imperial Guard Forces==
Because GW was too lazy to create an original themed Imperial Guard army, they basically used RL armies as a base for them, gave them a little touch of [[Grimdark]], assorted amounts of tempered ceramite balls and placed them..........IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!

*[[Cadia|Cadian Shock Troops]] Generic occidental army/Starship troopers clones (the shitty movie, the awesome book was copied and toned down as Space Marines)... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! FOR [[Imperium|IMPERIUM]] AND [[Emprah|EMPEROR]]! <strike>COME ON YOU APES, YOU WANNA LIVE FOREVER?</strike> Shh! Who do you think we are? Chem-dogs? Discipline, man! Discipline! You'll get the Commissar riled!
*[[Catachan Jungle Fighters]] Vietnam war U.S. (And Australian) military... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! GOOD MORNING CATACHAN!
*[[Tallarn Desert Raiders]] ARABS AND BEDOUINS... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! IMPERATOR AKBAR!
*[[Armageddon Steel Legion]] Wehrmacht Mechanized Divisions... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! FÜR DEN [[Emprah|IMPERATOR]], FEUER FREI!
*[[Valhallan Ice Warriors]] Soviet Red Army... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! ЗА РОДИНУ! ЗА ТОВАРИЩА [[Emprah|ИМПЕРАТОРА]]! НИ ШАГУ НАЗАД!
*[[Mordian Iron Guard]] Prussians and Napoleonites... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! I TRY TO BE A SOLDIER AND A HALF!
*[[Death Korps of Krieg|Death Korps of Krieg]] WWI German Western Front... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!
*[[Vostroyan Firstborn]] Russian/Ukrainian Cossacks IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! FUCK THY MOTHER IN THE NAME OF EMPEROR!
*[[Elysian Drop Troops]] French or British army paratroopers... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! QUI OSE GAGNE! POUR [[Emprah|L'EMPEREUR]]! (Taros Campaign = Dien Bien Phu or Op: Market-Garden)
*[[Harakoni Warhawks]] Heavy U.S Paratroopers... IIIIIINNNN SPACE! GREEN LIGHT!!! LET'S GO!
*[[Tanith First (And Only)]] Scots and Welsh... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! TRWY CARIAD YR[[Emprah|YMERAWDWR]]!
*[[Attilan Rough Riders]] The Huns... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!
*[[Savlar Chem-Dogs]] Vietnam War US Tunnel Rats (and a bit of Mad Max PA Raiders)... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!
*[[Drookian Fen Guard]] Anglo-Scottish Border Reivers... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!
*[[Praetorian Guard]] The British Empire IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! GUARDSMEN NEEEEVVERRRR YIELD! (ever seen Zulu? Like that)
*[[Kanak Skull-Takers]] Apache Native Americans... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!
*[[Phantine Air Corps]] Battle of Britain RAF... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!

==[[/tg/_40,000#Imperial_Guard | /tg/ Homebrew Guard Forces]]==
* [[Cendra#Armed_Forces |Cendran Abolishers]] Pyromaniacs who eat the burnt flesh of their enemies.
* [[Darmine#Darmine_Marshalls | Darmine Marshalls]] Elite sharpshooters supported by huge amounts of explosive collar-fitted penal troopers.
* [[Ferdain#Ferdain_Mustangs | Ferdain Mustangs]] Cavalry regiment that use genetically tailored horses that are practically heavy armour.
* [[Sauristoni#Armed_Forces| Sauristoni Ghostchasers]] Renowned scouts and trackers who are experts on Eldar.
* [[1st Membranes]] A regiment made almost entirely of psykers from a black ship that crashed on a forge world.
* [[Arianius Divided Regiments]] Regiments are segregated along gender lines. Men are [[Choppa|slicey]] women are [[Dakka|shooty.]]
* [[Kandam | Kandamii Crabhunters]] A regiment made up of Augmented soldiers who specialize in Oceanic and Aerial warfare.
* [[Terranknights | Terran Knights]] Elite regiments recruited exclusively from Terra. As a result they have some of the best equipment in the Imperium.
* [[Hell Harlots|2478th Penal Legion, "Hell Harlots"]] All-female penal legion close combat drop troops made up entirely of the same religious prison gang.
* [[All_Guardsmen_Party| Generian 99th Medium Infantry]] The original regiment of the [[All_Guardsmen_Party | All Guardsmen Party]] spawning some of the most dangerous, heretical, yet pragmatic acolytes in the entire inquisition.
*[[Hua Yuan Exterminators|Hua Yuan Exterminators]] Tyranid hunters and Hive warfare Specialists That use unique 'Color And Mayhem' Doctrine to disorient and daze foes in the cramped environments of Hive Spires.

==See Also==
*[[Lasgun]]
*[[Chem-chan]]
*[[Sentinel]]
*[[Hellhound]]
*[[Basilisk]]
*[[Leman Russ Battle Tank]]
*[[Baneblade]]
*[[Commissar]]
*[[Imperium]]
*[[Warhammer 40,000/Tactics/Imperial Guard|Tactics/Imperial Guard]]
*[[Only War]] - The official Tabletop RPG of the Guard!
*[[Kasrkin-chan]]
*[http://www.forgeworld.co.uk/The_Horus_Heresy/Solar_Auxilia] - The Imperial Guard before they became the Astra Militarum of today, The awesome looking [[Solar Auxilia|SOLAR AUXILIA]]! Thank the Emperor for [[Forge World]].

==Gallery==
{{Promotions}}
<center>
<gallery>
Image:Guardsman.jpg|<s>This is painfully accurate.</s> Except for missing the FUCKHEUG BALLS OF STEEL.
Image:Guardsmen.jpg|But this works too.
Image:Warhammer-orcs.jpg| Come and get some, fucking green-skinned faggots!
Image:Winterassault.jpg|Who needs Pauldrons?
Image:Greeting.jpg
image:Mira.jpg
Image:Repercussions.png|Commissar in action
Image:IG_(1).jpg|What the [[Jokaero]] should have been.
Image:balls.jpg|Imagine this, only 4 times bigger, heck even the women have 'em!
Image:IG_(2).jpg|<s>Shouldn't this instead be called 'Full Metal Flak-Jacket'?</s> FMJs are bullets,and lasrifles don't have bullets.
Image:Propaganda_by_DemonMads.jpg
Image:YoDawg.jpg
Image:IG_melta.jpg
Image:Catachan-n.jpg
Image:IG_Babes_(1).jpg
Image:IG_Babes_(2).jpg
Image:IG_Babes_(3).jpg
Image:IG_Babes_(5).jpg
Image:Kasrkin_chan_sans_helmet_by_Jaekyu.jpg
Image:Kasrkin_chan_by_Jaekyu.jpg|"Thank the Emperor! Action!"
Image:IG_Babes_(4).jpg
Image:Imperial_Guardswoman_by_IronShrineMaiden.jpg|Ponytails and light weaponry are standard issue.
Image:Krieg_chan_01_by_Jaekyu.jpg
Image:Krieg_chan_by_Jaekyu.jpg
Image:Tallarn_chan_Colored_by_FilthyBusiness.jpg
Image:1227223498011.jpg
Image:Vostroy_chan_by_Jaekyu.jpg|Vostroya is a cold and crappy place. Still people like it there. Guess why?
Image:IG_mot1.jpg
Image:IG_mot2.jpg
Image:IG_mot3.jpg
Image:F0r t3h Emp3r0r by Kazuv.jpg|Even pregnant chicks get conscripted.
Image:1267818498305.jpg|One should never underestimate the awesomeness of a Guardsman.
Image:Magnus Kale.png|Guardsmen - They Just Never Stop
Image:GuardsmanHelmet.jpg|This man shows doubt. He will soon be executed.
Image:1230085088983.png|[[wat]]
Image:Basilisk.png|[[Basilisk]]s are [[AWESOME]]
Image:Grimdark checkers.jpg|In the grimdarkness of the 41st millennium, there are still old men playing checkers.
Image:The Courage of Man.png|AVE IMPERATOR MOTHERFUCKERS!

</gallery>
</center>

{{Template:Imperium}}
{{40k-Imperial-Regiments}}
[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Imperial]]

Commissar

2016-02-28T04:01:28Z

2601:285:103:64A:B546:455B:1C5F:E921: /* Female Commissars */

[[Image:Comissar.png|frame|{{BLAM}}]]
:''But sir -- !
:{{BLAM|''*click* '''*BLAM*''' If you will not serve in combat, then you will serve on the firing line!}}
:''-- but....your....zipper sir... it's open...
:{{BLAM|''*click* '''*BLAM*''' Looking at my groin is Slaanesh worship!}}

''"I am not afraid of an army of lions led by a sheep; I am afraid of an army of sheep led by a lion."''

-Alexander the Great

''"The best government is a benevolent tyranny tempered by an occasional assassination."''

-Voltaire

Once upon a time Militant Commanders stayed in relative safety and actually commanded their armies instead of charging the enemy gushing gibberish and froth from their mouths. Once upon a time, Commissars were greatly respected fearless frontline leaders that inspired their men with personal example and were willing to sacrifice themselves for the success of their company. Everything was, while not perfect, much better, sane and efficient. These times now long gone.

Nowadays... Lasguns firing, grenades exploding, Orks charging, all sorts of projectiles that can kill a man instantly hurtling through the air at high speeds, and the Commissar is that sanctimonious asshole who runs around shooting his own men. They get a cool [[hats|hat]], a [[Nazi]]-esque longcoat, a sword or power fist they seem all too happy to hit the enemy with and their iconic bolt pistol which they use to boost the morale of their men, although they sometimes trade it for las or plasma pistols (but seeing your buddy's head explode or melt down does indeed motivate you better than just seeing a laser beam go through it). In reality however they're nothing more than a couple of faggots who overcompensate for their lack of fighting skill by executing their men to look tou{{BLAM}}. It's a well known fact that most of their morale enhancement (Unless they're [[Commissar Gaunt]], [[Ciaphas Cain]], or [[Commissar Yarrick]].) consists of being scary merciless bastards to rival the enemy merciless bast{{BLAM}}.

A Commissar that lacks any guardsmen to execute and is in the proximity of any vehicle proceeds to clamber on the said vehicle and threaten the crew into charging the enemy so he can hit the enemy with his close combat weapon. Hilarity ensues depending on the kind of closest vehicle, close combat weapon and closest enemy.

Commissars also have a tendency to get killed suspiciously far from the front lines. Fucking [[Catachan]] heretics... And yet, I cannot help but applaud the Catachans! You've got my support, Jungle Bo{{BLAM|'''*BLAM!* HERESY!'''}}

They also have mad shooting skills, some can even execute '''ENTIRE SQUADS OF COWARDS''' in the time it takes to drop their hats. If only they could shoot the enemies that fast, what with their phenomenal accuracy when shooting their own men and all.

<s>'''THEY'RE SONS OF BITCHES!'''</s> {{BLAM|'''*BLAM!* HERESY!'''}} <s>YOU SEE HE SHOT ME, WHAT AN ASSHOLE!</s> {{BLAM|QUIET, HERETIC! '''*BLAM* *BLAM*'''}} <s>I'm not dead yet!</s> {{BLAM|'''*BLAM!* DOUBLE HERESY! ONLY CHAOS INFESTED HERETICS REFUSE TO DIE FOR THEIR COMMISSARS'''}} <s>I FEEL FINE!</s>{{BLAM}}{{BLAM}}{{BLAM}}{{BLAM}}{{BLAM}}{{BLAM}} <s>I don't want to go on the cart!</s> {{BLAM| SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!}} [[Necrons|I'll be back!]]

I still fucking miss the Iterators.

==Choices of equipment==
*Badass longcoat, badass sash and even more badass hat straight out of Hugo Boss during the Nazi era.
*Mars-Pattern ceramite balls
*Flak armour- Standard guardsman issue Commissar armoured underwear.
*Carapace armor & Refractor field- A better armour and a force field for genre-savvy Lord Commissar.
*Camo-cloak. Serves to hide said badass garments and get less fire from the enemy and guardsmen.
*Special Mask for a Lord that weeps tears of blood near traitors! Oh and scares people. Also gives a force field.

*Saber- Often carried to swing towards enemies while riding a Leman Russ tank so that he could drive closer and hit enemies with his sword.
**[[Chainsword]]- For a sword that's actually useful more often than not.
**[[Power weapon|Power sword]]- For slaying armored enemies and hassle-free decapitations.
**Power fist- For punching through enemy [[METAL_BOXES|Mewtal Bawkses]].

*[[Laspistol]]- Clean, precise, and efficient working tool of the Commissar that doesn't waste ammunition. Less satisfying to execute people with though.
*Bolt pistol- Produces very satisfying {{BLAM}}ming sound that raises self-esteem of the worthless ponce hold-{{BLAM}}
*[[Bolter]]- Good for shooting underarmoured enemies and your entire squad if you suspect them all of {{BLAM|HERESY}}.
*[[Plasma|Plasma pistol]]- Good for shooting armoured enemies dead. Bad for summary executions.
*Baleful Eye- [[Commissar Yarrick|Lasgun built in the eye socket to kill Orks with a glare]].
*Grenades & bombs.

==Reasonable Commissars==
Reasonable Commissars do not execute those who flee. However, they do carry a potent stun-gun to bring down those who break ranks and save the bolter shells for those who have willingly became servants of Chaos or Xenos. Afterwards, the accused is brought before a military tribunal to judge what the appropriate punishment will be. Reasonably Hard Labor is a common punishment. If an not-so-reasonable commissar is present the punishment is invariably a {{BLAM}}-ing. The bas- {{BLAM}}

Reasonable Commissars can often be found in units operating alongside [[Reasonable Marines]].

Reasonable Commissars understand their duty is to instill courage within the Imperial Guard, not to instill discord and discontent. Thus they lead by example and be the first to die and last to retreat.

Reasonable Commissars only exist because there are Commissars who are *ahem* ''dicks''...such as Commissar Jericho of the 8th Cadian Whiteshield division:

:''Lil' Timmy: "Commissar? My helmet won't fit. Can you please help me fasten it?"''

:''Jericho: "IF YOU CANNOT FASTEN YOUR OWN HELMET, YOU'RE AN INEFFECTIVE SOLDIER! AN INEFFECTIVE SOLDIER IS THE SAME AS A HERETIC IN MY BOOK! SUMMARY EXECUTION FOR YOU!" {{BLAM}}''

:''Jericho: "SO. ANY OF YOU OTHER CHILDREN WANT HELP WITH SOMETHING? WHAT ABOUT YOU, OLIVER? DO YOU STILL WANT MORE PORRIDGE? OH WAIT, YOU'RE DEAD! HAH! GET BACK TO FIGHTING YOU LITTLE PIECES OF SLIME!"''

::''- from the records of Inquisitor Murtho''

To some extent, they do actually exist in Warhammer canon, with [[Ciaphas Cain]] ('''HERO OF THE IMPERIUM!!!''') and [[Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt|Ibram Gaunt]] being the most iconic examples, the fact that they became tremendously famous (OK, Gaunt - not so much) and idolized is implied to have led to many newer Commissars using their less trigger happy and more reasonable methods. Proof that sometimes, you can make a positive difference in Warhammer.

It could be argued that all Commissars are reasonable as most don't hold malicious intent when killing their own, or don't kill their own unless in extreme (Read: Chaos) circumstances, since most of the time shooting your own men can be counterproductive when they're light infantry fleeing from a Super heavy tank. Or if they, you know, have orders to pull back. Obviously they are evil fucks for killing their own men but usually it is done because it has to be done. Rules are rules, heresy is heresy, and Commissars have to show some authority. Not saying that they are necessarily nice guys but no Commissar ever sleeps well at night, except Gaunt, he was pretty fucking cool!

==Female Commissars==
A female Commissar is a rare sight, except by the Vorstroyans, otherwise, there is little to no representation in the fluff.

Females of the [[Schola Progenium]] are far more likely to end up in the [[Adepta Sororitas]] and when they are becoming guardswomen, they are far more likely to be put in auxiliary and support roles than front lines combat, thus reducing their chances to be sent to a Schola and becoming either a Storm Trooper or an Inquisitor, when they don't get transferred to the Sisters. Never the less they do exist and perform the same functions on the battlefield as their male counterparts, and have been known to be even more nasty than your regular commissar if the regiment is mostly made up of men for obvious reasons.

However, there have been all female regiments of guardswomen, and they only had female Commissars.

[[Commissar Raege]] is one of the rare cases of a female that became a Commissar.

==What not to do around a commissar==

[[Image:Commissar_NO.jpg|thumb|200px|right|If you have to ask...]]
Unless you have a death wish (since you're drafted into the Guard, we already KNOW you have a death wish) these are the things you should avoid doing around your Commissar unless you want to be shot for a number of reasons:

*Do not retreat until he says so.
*Do not look like you will retreat before he says so.
*Do not think about retreating before he says so.
*Do not think about thinking of retreating before he says so.
*Do not retreat even WHEN he says so.
*Do not refuse to retreat when he says so because you will later be shot for insubordination.
*Do not be incompetent in battle, he'll execute you for being useless.
*Do not move too far away from a Commissar attached to your squad, he might think you are retreating without his command.
*Do not fap to the women that are [[Shlicktau|xenos]], [[Cultist-chan|heretics]], or [[Furry|mutants]] while in the field of battle... or outside.
*Do not fap to [[-4_Str|human women]] either, he'll execute you for dereliction of duty. Also, Slaanesh worship.
*Do not fap '''AT ALL''' Because it is heresy. No! Fap to the Corpse-Empero- wait, I kinda gave that away, didn't- {{BLAM}} HERESY!!
*Do not mock anyone in the upper command structure, social status and organizations, it's the same as treason and treason kids is [[HERESY]].
*Do not look at your commissar with a [[grimdark]] look, he'll assume you want to kill him. Unless you're a Catachan. He doesn't need to see the look to know you want to kill him.
*Do not interrupt him while speaking, he'll execute you for the insubordination.
*Do not worship the [[Chaos|ruinous powers]] even if your commissar is.
*Do not look like you are worshipping the ruinous powers.
*Do not think about worshipping the ruinous powers.
*Do not think about thinking about worshipping the ruinous powers.
*Do not think '''AT ALL''' or he'll think you are thinking about worshipping the ruinous powers.
*Do not find out about the Ruinous Powers. Best you can hope for is being sterilised and mind-wiped.
*Do not fall ill. Nurgle worship.
*Do not fall seriously ill. Serious Nurgle worship.
*Do not think about getting ill. More Nurgle worship.
*Do not think abou- To Hell with this, you are already thinking about getting ill {{BLAM}}
*Do not openly question his orders.
*Do not question his orders behind his back either.
*Do not suggest your orders are suicidal.
*Do not suggest that said "''suicidal''" Commissar should join the enemy, if he is able to kill his squad so quickly.
*Do not suggest anything, lest he take it for Heresy.
*Do not mention that the Ministorum Priests are better motivators. {{BLAM}} Insubordination!
*Do not mention that the sanctioned Psykers scare you more than him. <s>{{BLAM}} Insubordination again!</s> Actually that's acceptable, the mutant witch must be thoroughly abhorred and constantly monitored for [[heresy]]. '''UNBLAM!'''
*Do not mention that he is the most useless unit to have in a command squad. {{BLAM}} Insubordination again! Why won't you die!?
*Do NOT interrupt him while attempting to execute someone <s>unless you have a pretty good reason</s> as he'll execute you along with the one about to be executed.
*DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES challenge him or her in a western shootout. Why? Because they'll {{BLAM}} kill you all in LESS than a splitsecond, now get back to the front, or you'll join him.
*Do not ask a Commissar for a bullet in the head. He ''will'' have you flogged for cowardice.
*Do not ask a Commissar for a flogging. He '''''WILL''''' have you shot in the spine for being a Slaaneshi Cultist. Not that that's a bad thing, being a Sla-{{BLAM}} HERESY!
*Do not, in any way, shape, or form, give a zealous Commissar an Assault Cannon. You will have no unit.
*Do not, under any circumstances, give a zealous Commissar a Deathstrike Missile Launcher. You ''will'' have no army.
*Do not give a Commissar a cookie, or he'll think you are trying to poison him. You chaos worshipping freak.
*Do not be bald, then you are a Genestealer.
*Do not be balding, then you are becoming a Genestealer.
*Do not think about balding, then you are thinking about becoming a Genestealer.
*Do not think about thinking about balding, you don't wanna become a Genestealer.
*Do not add to this list, or else he will have you shot for insubordination. He- Yes, Sir!... No, sir... Sir? {{BLAM}} HERESY
*<strike>THIS LIST NEEDS MORE CHAOS!</strike>{{BLAM}} HERESY!!!
*Do not use an axe as a last-ditch weapon. Khornate behaviour.
*Do not eat your rations in a particularly vigorous manner. Khorne worship.
*Any alteration of the standard uniform shall not be tolerated. Tzeentch worship.
*Growing facial hair in the pres{{BLAM}}. More Tzeentch worship.
*Do not cut yourself while shaving your facial hair. More Khorne worship.
*Surviving a life threatening injury at the hands of the enemy. Serious Tzeentch worship.
*Do not bring prostitutes to the base while your unit is on leave. Slaanesh worship (and just plain improper behavior).
*Waking up lat{{BLAM}}. Cowardice.
*Do not give a zealous Commissar a spacecraft. You will have [[Exterminatus|lost a planet]].
*Do not deface or lose your Imperial Infantrymen's Uplifting Primer.
*Calling your self a member of the "Astra Militarum" {{BLAM}} HERESY! we are and always have been the Imperial Guard: Hammer of the Emperor!

==What to do around a Commissar==
[[File:Oh Lawd.png|150px|right|thumb|Nothing escapes the vigilant eye of a commissar (except everything)]]
*Worship the Emperor
*Talk fairly loudly about how the chaos gods suck. (Except for slaanesh who is just bad damn thing dosen't need to suck any more.)
*Make sure all your gear is organized, cleaned, maintained, and free of non-standard issue modifications.
*Do go into [[rage]] mo-{{BLAM}} Getting angry is Khorne worship.
*Praise him on a job well done when circumstances are right-{{BLAM}} Kissing ass is borderline Slaneesh worship.
*Shine his laspistol when he isn't using it.{{BLAM}}Handling your superior officer's weapons is grand treason!
*Give him a blowjo-{{BLAM}} SLAANESHI HERETIC!
*Charge towards Khorne Berserkers even if you don't want to.{{BLAM}} Suicidal charges are borderline Khorne worship. Neglecting to charge however is disobeying orders. So either way you get {{BLAM}}ed.
*Go to battle even if you're feeling sic-{{BLAM}} Spreading sickness to your comrades is serious Nurgle worship.
*Compliment his marksmanship skills.{{BLAM}} WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT KISSING ASS!!?
*Let him know in advance when you're having a sick day so he won't execute you for dereliction of du-{{BLAM}} NURGLE WORSHIPER!
*Have your uplifting primer on your person. Failure to present it on request will result in BLAM.
*Bring him [[An Eldar's Ears|a captive Eldar]] {{BLAM}} XENOS LOVING FILTH!! ("I'll be happy to take that captive off your hands commissar.")
*When the rest of your squad looks like they are gonna fall back, step away from the Commissar's general direction as he might choose to execute you to make an example for the rest of the men.
*When the rest of your squad looks like they are gonna fall back, step towards the Commissar's general direction as he might choose to execute you to make an example for the rest of the men.
*When you are about to do something that can only be described as batshit insane and a Commissar's around suggest it to him, if you survive said suicide mission he'll probably favor you a bit, which probably means that he MIGHT actually think about who's he shooting at.
*If you're the guy at the wheel of a transport, DRIVE HIM CLOSER! HE WANTS TO HIT THE ENEMIES OF THE EMPRAH WITH HIS SWORD!
*Prior to giving him wargear, make sure that you ''haven't'' cleaned it, most Commissars prefer the bloodstained wargear look. {{BLAM}} failure to clean blood off of your weapons or uniform is an offence against the Departmento Munitorum policies!
*Make sure you're the only man left in the squad other than the Commissar when retreating, the Commissar rulebook says that if the squad he is attached to only has one man left, he isn't allowed to make his face blow up because he'd end up looking stupid and it's a waste of ammo since there is nobody to inspi {{BLAM}} Commisar Does what he wants!
*If the Commissar looks pissed read (or at least pretend to read) an Imperial Creed book or something, he can't shoot you because you're reading Imperial Creed stu-- {{BLAM|'''*BLAM*'''}} Now you are no longer reading it. Situation resolved.
*Bring an RPG or other Big Fucking Gun in case he tries to blam you. Make sure you say "you've been bla-{{BLAM}} HERESY! (pssst! Make sure you say "You've been BLAMMED!" AFTER you kill the Commissar and know there aren't more on the battlefield. [[Just As Planned|WHO'S LAUGHING NOW COMMISSARS!?]]){{BLAM}} HERESY!
*Instead of ''DYING'', try to acquire the Enemy's head. Minor kudos for a Grunt, Some kudos for an NCO Equivalent, and perhaps at least a bit of respect from the Commissar him/herself for an enemy Commander, or said Commander's Lieutenants. Possible points if you shout out: ''"DEATH UNTO THE ENEMIES OF MA-..."'' {{BLAM|'''*BLAM*'''}} Borderline Khorne-Worship!

==Notable Commissars==
*[[Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt]] (<s>Who?</s>) {{BLAM}} HERESY!
*[[Commissar Yarrick]]
*Commissar [[Ciaphas Cain]] HERO OF THE IMPERIUM!!!!! Secretly believes himself to be a coward. The truth of that is up for debate.
*[[Commissar Fuklaw]] is tired of putting up with your heretical bullshit.
*[[Commissar Dan]]
*[[Heretical Love|Commissar Max]] the Lovemachine of Yagis V. (It should be noted that he was actually a guardsman who picked up Commissar regalia and weapons.)
*[[K59|Commissar K59]]
*Commissar [[Holt]]
*[[Commissar Raege]]
*[[Kharn|Kharn]] [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRVcdLPqoHg| The Commissar]
*[[Colonel Greiss]] Formerly a Commissar; became a conventional officer through necessity.
* [[Commissar Lord Bernn|Commissar LORD Bernn]] (always put LORD in ALL CAPS -bold is optional-, not doing so is Heresy.) Known for making entire armies completely invincible as long as he has people to execute and beating Mega-Daemon Princes, Hive Tyrants, Land Raider Redeemers, Battlewagons, Deranged Khornate Chaos Champions (if you're so far off your rocker that other Khornates think you're crazy, you may be a wee bit nutters), and Eldar wraithlords to death with a power fist. Also notable for being able to one-shot any infantry, from lowly Ork boyz to TERMINATORS with his laspistol. He needs no words to show he's a badass.
*'''Commissar "Colonel" Schaeffer''' He had his arm shot off by a plasma gun '''AND GREW IT BACK''', had his spine rebuilt after being crushed by a tank and made a full recovery, had his eyes replaced after his other ones were destroyed and has survived being thrown into suicide mission after suicide mission for over 300 years '''LIKE A BOSS''', he gets down and dirty and is usually seen in front of his men in the battle rather than behind them. He's still brutal as fuck to deserters though. *why doesn't he have his own pag- {{BLAM}}
* Commissar Jaes "Jellyfish" Quallen. Fragile, stuttering, clumsy, prone to disease, about as intimidating as a wet kitten. His enlistment was a cruel wager between two of his rich aunts to see if he would survive. He barely made his commission as commissar, and he was discarded to the Catachan 217th infantry to get rid of him. And yet he's still alive today. What's more, he leads his men from the very front, utterly fearless when the jagged teeth of Chaos spawn ('''OH GOD NOOOOOOAAAAAUUUUUUUGHHHHHHH!!! GRRAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!''') are inches from his face, humming to himself in the middle of the shitstorm that is every battlefield. Atypical for a Catachan company, his men are quite loyal to him, well-liked for leading by example instead of inspiring fear behind the lines ... although they do tease him off-duty by playing keepaway with his hat.
*Commissar Viktor Hark - The Commissar for the Tanith First (and Only). Pretty bad ass dude with a cybernetic arm to beat heretics and a plasma pistol to melt faces with. Pretty reasonable for a Commissar, preferring {{BLAM}} only when it can have the most effect on a units morale, which in some cases means blamming the guy in charge.

==Commissar Mortality==
Commissars do not exactly have a high life expectancy (well, not that anyone in Imperial Guard have). Next to the many horrible fates that await your average "balls of steel" Guardsman in the [[grimdark]] WH40K universe, the Commissars have some additional aggravating factors leading to a quick demise.

Some reasons:
* A commissar's uniform is very different from those he is working with, add to that he is shouting things at people and possibly {{BLAM}}-ming them, probably without fire being returned at him, and is probably carrying different weapons than those around him. It doesn't take a genius to figure out he is an obvious High-Value Target which any sniper worth the name would take note of.
* Aforementioned uniform offers little to no head protection, head protection is for cowards and cowards get {{BLAM}}-med. (However, a Commissar's lack of headgear can get him {{BLAM}}-med by the enemy).
* {{BLAM}}-ming cowards, and especially {{BLAM}}-ming non-cowards, often has a side effect of *accidentally* getting shot, repeatedly, sometimes even far from the front lines. This fate is particularly common for those attached to Catachan units.
* Even when not getting *accidentally* shot/dropped in a pit/run over/... by his own troops, few Guardsmen will risk their lives to save a Commissar should he get into trouble with the enemy.
* Some Commissars both lead by example and expect their men to perform acts of suicidal courage, resulting in performing collective suicide in the name of the Emprah.
* Lots of Commissars like big flashy bolt pistols. Bolt pistols, being roight flash bitz of dakka, naturally attract orks like sugar water attracts flies, and unlike laspistols eventually run out of bolts.

==Quotes==

* "Fear me...'''''but follow!'''''"
* "You can give the Emperor your loyalty, or I can take it from your corpse."
* "You DARE shoot at me?...{{BLAM|'''AT ME?!'''}}
* "What I cannot crush with words, I shall crush with the tanks of the Imperial Guard."
* "Fear ensures loyalty! Where do you need me?"
* "Trooper, the enemy ''may'' kill you, but if you try to run I '''will''' kill you!"
* {{BLAM|'''*BLAM!*'''}}
*"It is our duty to muster the Guardsmen's courage and loyalty under fire and it is our duty to - '''GET THE FUCK BACK HERE!'''"{{BLAM}}{{BLAM}}
*"WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO DIE?! 'CAUSE I SURE AS HELL DIDN'T!"
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xrrCY7dgaqs Drive me closer, I want to hit them with my sword!]
* "Follow my example or I will MAKE YOU ONE!"
* A compilation of some -if not all- of DowII Commissar quotes can be found: [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isLz_8ppLig here].
* <s>Heil Hitler!</s> {{BLAM|'''*BLAM!* HERESY!!!'''}} Heil Emperor!
** Wouldn't it be Heil der Gott-Kaiser? {{BLAM|'''*BLAM!* HERESY!!!'''}} It is:Heil dem Gott-Imperator! Good job on the hyphen, though. {{BLAM}}
* "If you will not serve in combat, ''then you will serve '''on the firing line!'''''" {{BLAM}}
* "SHUT UP ZATHRAS"

==Gallery==
{{Promotions}}
<center><gallery>
Image:Commisarmoti.jpg|The real reason why Guardsmen do not revolt en masse (odd. I'd rather take my chances with a human with a gun rather than, say, a Dark Eldar or a Daemon).
Image:Closer.jpg|Commissars never let practicality get in the way of their awesomeness.
Image:Thenewcommissar.jpg|[[Kharn]] during his traitor commissar days with the Red Rivers traitor guardsmen.
Image:Commissar Surfing.jpg|Again, practicality is never a hindrance.
Image:Komissar_by_kriegsmachine14.jpg|Why so serious? Let's put a smile on that there face...
Image:Romantic_Commissar.jpg|Commissars can be romantic. It's just that they are too busy blamming Guardsmen.
Image:Comissar_Promotions.jpg|Imperial Guard Promotion policy, you either get promoted or Blammed, no exceptions.
Image:1207335821953.jpg|[[Commissar Dan]] on the blaze of glory run
Image:Commissarpoke.jpg|Don't let this one's slow demeanor make you too confident..
Image:Comissar-by-Chink-1.jpg|Chink loev commissar
Image:Comissar-by-Chink-2.jpg|[[Rule 63]] spares no one.
Image:Yarrick_by_Chink_1.jpg|[[Commissar Yarrick]] by Chink
Image:Yarrick_by_Chink_2.jpg
Image:Feb.jpg|Commissar from the ill-fated /tg/ calendar project
Image:Atra concept.jpg|Much Sexier Version
Image:Daemonette commisssar.JPG|One of these is not like the others.
Image:Commissar-Fuck_Yeah.jpg|Imperial Guard, FUCK YEAH!
Image:Commissar_Badass.jpg|[[Ciaphas Cain|HERO OF THE IMPERIUM!]]
Image:Fixedhat2.jpg|The Commissar is here to ensure your loyalty.
Image:1226746378911.jpg|Squad morale restored.
Image:1230024061774.png|Reasonable Commissars know that summary execution is not always needed to motivate anyone.
Image:powerfists_commissar.jpg|If you're wondering how she's "coping" with those things, don't ask us, for we have as good an idea as you do..
Image:CommissarCos.jpg|{{BLAM}}
Image:Commissar Hansen.jpg|Guardian of all imperial [[loli|lolis]].
Image:Penguin_Commisar.jpg|Do not approach the Commissar under any circumstances, no matter how cute he may be
Image:Emote-commissar.gif
</gallery></center>

[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]]
[[Category:Imperial]]
[[Category:Commissars]]

Commissar

2016-02-28T04:00:12Z

2601:285:103:64A:B546:455B:1C5F:E921: /* Reasonable Commissars */

[[Image:Comissar.png|frame|{{BLAM}}]]
:''But sir -- !
:{{BLAM|''*click* '''*BLAM*''' If you will not serve in combat, then you will serve on the firing line!}}
:''-- but....your....zipper sir... it's open...
:{{BLAM|''*click* '''*BLAM*''' Looking at my groin is Slaanesh worship!}}

''"I am not afraid of an army of lions led by a sheep; I am afraid of an army of sheep led by a lion."''

-Alexander the Great

''"The best government is a benevolent tyranny tempered by an occasional assassination."''

-Voltaire

Once upon a time Militant Commanders stayed in relative safety and actually commanded their armies instead of charging the enemy gushing gibberish and froth from their mouths. Once upon a time, Commissars were greatly respected fearless frontline leaders that inspired their men with personal example and were willing to sacrifice themselves for the success of their company. Everything was, while not perfect, much better, sane and efficient. These times now long gone.

Nowadays... Lasguns firing, grenades exploding, Orks charging, all sorts of projectiles that can kill a man instantly hurtling through the air at high speeds, and the Commissar is that sanctimonious asshole who runs around shooting his own men. They get a cool [[hats|hat]], a [[Nazi]]-esque longcoat, a sword or power fist they seem all too happy to hit the enemy with and their iconic bolt pistol which they use to boost the morale of their men, although they sometimes trade it for las or plasma pistols (but seeing your buddy's head explode or melt down does indeed motivate you better than just seeing a laser beam go through it). In reality however they're nothing more than a couple of faggots who overcompensate for their lack of fighting skill by executing their men to look tou{{BLAM}}. It's a well known fact that most of their morale enhancement (Unless they're [[Commissar Gaunt]], [[Ciaphas Cain]], or [[Commissar Yarrick]].) consists of being scary merciless bastards to rival the enemy merciless bast{{BLAM}}.

A Commissar that lacks any guardsmen to execute and is in the proximity of any vehicle proceeds to clamber on the said vehicle and threaten the crew into charging the enemy so he can hit the enemy with his close combat weapon. Hilarity ensues depending on the kind of closest vehicle, close combat weapon and closest enemy.

Commissars also have a tendency to get killed suspiciously far from the front lines. Fucking [[Catachan]] heretics... And yet, I cannot help but applaud the Catachans! You've got my support, Jungle Bo{{BLAM|'''*BLAM!* HERESY!'''}}

They also have mad shooting skills, some can even execute '''ENTIRE SQUADS OF COWARDS''' in the time it takes to drop their hats. If only they could shoot the enemies that fast, what with their phenomenal accuracy when shooting their own men and all.

<s>'''THEY'RE SONS OF BITCHES!'''</s> {{BLAM|'''*BLAM!* HERESY!'''}} <s>YOU SEE HE SHOT ME, WHAT AN ASSHOLE!</s> {{BLAM|QUIET, HERETIC! '''*BLAM* *BLAM*'''}} <s>I'm not dead yet!</s> {{BLAM|'''*BLAM!* DOUBLE HERESY! ONLY CHAOS INFESTED HERETICS REFUSE TO DIE FOR THEIR COMMISSARS'''}} <s>I FEEL FINE!</s>{{BLAM}}{{BLAM}}{{BLAM}}{{BLAM}}{{BLAM}}{{BLAM}} <s>I don't want to go on the cart!</s> {{BLAM| SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!}} [[Necrons|I'll be back!]]

I still fucking miss the Iterators.

==Choices of equipment==
*Badass longcoat, badass sash and even more badass hat straight out of Hugo Boss during the Nazi era.
*Mars-Pattern ceramite balls
*Flak armour- Standard guardsman issue Commissar armoured underwear.
*Carapace armor & Refractor field- A better armour and a force field for genre-savvy Lord Commissar.
*Camo-cloak. Serves to hide said badass garments and get less fire from the enemy and guardsmen.
*Special Mask for a Lord that weeps tears of blood near traitors! Oh and scares people. Also gives a force field.

*Saber- Often carried to swing towards enemies while riding a Leman Russ tank so that he could drive closer and hit enemies with his sword.
**[[Chainsword]]- For a sword that's actually useful more often than not.
**[[Power weapon|Power sword]]- For slaying armored enemies and hassle-free decapitations.
**Power fist- For punching through enemy [[METAL_BOXES|Mewtal Bawkses]].

*[[Laspistol]]- Clean, precise, and efficient working tool of the Commissar that doesn't waste ammunition. Less satisfying to execute people with though.
*Bolt pistol- Produces very satisfying {{BLAM}}ming sound that raises self-esteem of the worthless ponce hold-{{BLAM}}
*[[Bolter]]- Good for shooting underarmoured enemies and your entire squad if you suspect them all of {{BLAM|HERESY}}.
*[[Plasma|Plasma pistol]]- Good for shooting armoured enemies dead. Bad for summary executions.
*Baleful Eye- [[Commissar Yarrick|Lasgun built in the eye socket to kill Orks with a glare]].
*Grenades & bombs.

==Reasonable Commissars==
Reasonable Commissars do not execute those who flee. However, they do carry a potent stun-gun to bring down those who break ranks and save the bolter shells for those who have willingly became servants of Chaos or Xenos. Afterwards, the accused is brought before a military tribunal to judge what the appropriate punishment will be. Reasonably Hard Labor is a common punishment. If an not-so-reasonable commissar is present the punishment is invariably a {{BLAM}}-ing. The bas- {{BLAM}}

Reasonable Commissars can often be found in units operating alongside [[Reasonable Marines]].

Reasonable Commissars understand their duty is to instill courage within the Imperial Guard, not to instill discord and discontent. Thus they lead by example and be the first to die and last to retreat.

Reasonable Commissars only exist because there are Commissars who are *ahem* ''dicks''...such as Commissar Jericho of the 8th Cadian Whiteshield division:

:''Lil' Timmy: "Commissar? My helmet won't fit. Can you please help me fasten it?"''

:''Jericho: "IF YOU CANNOT FASTEN YOUR OWN HELMET, YOU'RE AN INEFFECTIVE SOLDIER! AN INEFFECTIVE SOLDIER IS THE SAME AS A HERETIC IN MY BOOK! SUMMARY EXECUTION FOR YOU!" {{BLAM}}''

:''Jericho: "SO. ANY OF YOU OTHER CHILDREN WANT HELP WITH SOMETHING? WHAT ABOUT YOU, OLIVER? DO YOU STILL WANT MORE PORRIDGE? OH WAIT, YOU'RE DEAD! HAH! GET BACK TO FIGHTING YOU LITTLE PIECES OF SLIME!"''

::''- from the records of Inquisitor Murtho''

To some extent, they do actually exist in Warhammer canon, with [[Ciaphas Cain]] ('''HERO OF THE IMPERIUM!!!''') and [[Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt|Ibram Gaunt]] being the most iconic examples, the fact that they became tremendously famous (OK, Gaunt - not so much) and idolized is implied to have led to many newer Commissars using their less trigger happy and more reasonable methods. Proof that sometimes, you can make a positive difference in Warhammer.

It could be argued that all Commissars are reasonable as most don't hold malicious intent when killing their own, or don't kill their own unless in extreme (Read: Chaos) circumstances, since most of the time shooting your own men can be counterproductive when they're light infantry fleeing from a Super heavy tank. Or if they, you know, have orders to pull back. Obviously they are evil fucks for killing their own men but usually it is done because it has to be done. Rules are rules, heresy is heresy, and Commissars have to show some authority. Not saying that they are necessarily nice guys but no Commissar ever sleeps well at night, except Gaunt, he was pretty fucking cool!

==Female Commissars==
A female Commissar is a rare sight, except by the Vorstroyans, otherwise, there is little to no representation in the fluff.

Females of the [[Schola Progenium]] are far more likely to end up in the [[Adepta Sororitas]] and when they are becoming guardswomen, they are far more likely to be put in auxiliary and support roles than front lines combat, thus reducing their chances to be sent to a Schola and becoming either a Storm Trooper or an Inquisitor, when they don't get transferred to the Sisters. Never the less they do exist and perform the same functions on the battlefield as their male counterparts, and have been known to be even more nasty than your regular commissar if the regiment is mostly made up of men.

However, there have been all female regiments of guardswomen, and they only had female Commissars.

[[Commissar Raege]] is one of the rare cases of a female that became a Commissar.

==What not to do around a commissar==

[[Image:Commissar_NO.jpg|thumb|200px|right|If you have to ask...]]
Unless you have a death wish (since you're drafted into the Guard, we already KNOW you have a death wish) these are the things you should avoid doing around your Commissar unless you want to be shot for a number of reasons:

*Do not retreat until he says so.
*Do not look like you will retreat before he says so.
*Do not think about retreating before he says so.
*Do not think about thinking of retreating before he says so.
*Do not retreat even WHEN he says so.
*Do not refuse to retreat when he says so because you will later be shot for insubordination.
*Do not be incompetent in battle, he'll execute you for being useless.
*Do not move too far away from a Commissar attached to your squad, he might think you are retreating without his command.
*Do not fap to the women that are [[Shlicktau|xenos]], [[Cultist-chan|heretics]], or [[Furry|mutants]] while in the field of battle... or outside.
*Do not fap to [[-4_Str|human women]] either, he'll execute you for dereliction of duty. Also, Slaanesh worship.
*Do not fap '''AT ALL''' Because it is heresy. No! Fap to the Corpse-Empero- wait, I kinda gave that away, didn't- {{BLAM}} HERESY!!
*Do not mock anyone in the upper command structure, social status and organizations, it's the same as treason and treason kids is [[HERESY]].
*Do not look at your commissar with a [[grimdark]] look, he'll assume you want to kill him. Unless you're a Catachan. He doesn't need to see the look to know you want to kill him.
*Do not interrupt him while speaking, he'll execute you for the insubordination.
*Do not worship the [[Chaos|ruinous powers]] even if your commissar is.
*Do not look like you are worshipping the ruinous powers.
*Do not think about worshipping the ruinous powers.
*Do not think about thinking about worshipping the ruinous powers.
*Do not think '''AT ALL''' or he'll think you are thinking about worshipping the ruinous powers.
*Do not find out about the Ruinous Powers. Best you can hope for is being sterilised and mind-wiped.
*Do not fall ill. Nurgle worship.
*Do not fall seriously ill. Serious Nurgle worship.
*Do not think about getting ill. More Nurgle worship.
*Do not think abou- To Hell with this, you are already thinking about getting ill {{BLAM}}
*Do not openly question his orders.
*Do not question his orders behind his back either.
*Do not suggest your orders are suicidal.
*Do not suggest that said "''suicidal''" Commissar should join the enemy, if he is able to kill his squad so quickly.
*Do not suggest anything, lest he take it for Heresy.
*Do not mention that the Ministorum Priests are better motivators. {{BLAM}} Insubordination!
*Do not mention that the sanctioned Psykers scare you more than him. <s>{{BLAM}} Insubordination again!</s> Actually that's acceptable, the mutant witch must be thoroughly abhorred and constantly monitored for [[heresy]]. '''UNBLAM!'''
*Do not mention that he is the most useless unit to have in a command squad. {{BLAM}} Insubordination again! Why won't you die!?
*Do NOT interrupt him while attempting to execute someone <s>unless you have a pretty good reason</s> as he'll execute you along with the one about to be executed.
*DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES challenge him or her in a western shootout. Why? Because they'll {{BLAM}} kill you all in LESS than a splitsecond, now get back to the front, or you'll join him.
*Do not ask a Commissar for a bullet in the head. He ''will'' have you flogged for cowardice.
*Do not ask a Commissar for a flogging. He '''''WILL''''' have you shot in the spine for being a Slaaneshi Cultist. Not that that's a bad thing, being a Sla-{{BLAM}} HERESY!
*Do not, in any way, shape, or form, give a zealous Commissar an Assault Cannon. You will have no unit.
*Do not, under any circumstances, give a zealous Commissar a Deathstrike Missile Launcher. You ''will'' have no army.
*Do not give a Commissar a cookie, or he'll think you are trying to poison him. You chaos worshipping freak.
*Do not be bald, then you are a Genestealer.
*Do not be balding, then you are becoming a Genestealer.
*Do not think about balding, then you are thinking about becoming a Genestealer.
*Do not think about thinking about balding, you don't wanna become a Genestealer.
*Do not add to this list, or else he will have you shot for insubordination. He- Yes, Sir!... No, sir... Sir? {{BLAM}} HERESY
*<strike>THIS LIST NEEDS MORE CHAOS!</strike>{{BLAM}} HERESY!!!
*Do not use an axe as a last-ditch weapon. Khornate behaviour.
*Do not eat your rations in a particularly vigorous manner. Khorne worship.
*Any alteration of the standard uniform shall not be tolerated. Tzeentch worship.
*Growing facial hair in the pres{{BLAM}}. More Tzeentch worship.
*Do not cut yourself while shaving your facial hair. More Khorne worship.
*Surviving a life threatening injury at the hands of the enemy. Serious Tzeentch worship.
*Do not bring prostitutes to the base while your unit is on leave. Slaanesh worship (and just plain improper behavior).
*Waking up lat{{BLAM}}. Cowardice.
*Do not give a zealous Commissar a spacecraft. You will have [[Exterminatus|lost a planet]].
*Do not deface or lose your Imperial Infantrymen's Uplifting Primer.
*Calling your self a member of the "Astra Militarum" {{BLAM}} HERESY! we are and always have been the Imperial Guard: Hammer of the Emperor!

==What to do around a Commissar==
[[File:Oh Lawd.png|150px|right|thumb|Nothing escapes the vigilant eye of a commissar (except everything)]]
*Worship the Emperor
*Talk fairly loudly about how the chaos gods suck. (Except for slaanesh who is just bad damn thing dosen't need to suck any more.)
*Make sure all your gear is organized, cleaned, maintained, and free of non-standard issue modifications.
*Do go into [[rage]] mo-{{BLAM}} Getting angry is Khorne worship.
*Praise him on a job well done when circumstances are right-{{BLAM}} Kissing ass is borderline Slaneesh worship.
*Shine his laspistol when he isn't using it.{{BLAM}}Handling your superior officer's weapons is grand treason!
*Give him a blowjo-{{BLAM}} SLAANESHI HERETIC!
*Charge towards Khorne Berserkers even if you don't want to.{{BLAM}} Suicidal charges are borderline Khorne worship. Neglecting to charge however is disobeying orders. So either way you get {{BLAM}}ed.
*Go to battle even if you're feeling sic-{{BLAM}} Spreading sickness to your comrades is serious Nurgle worship.
*Compliment his marksmanship skills.{{BLAM}} WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT KISSING ASS!!?
*Let him know in advance when you're having a sick day so he won't execute you for dereliction of du-{{BLAM}} NURGLE WORSHIPER!
*Have your uplifting primer on your person. Failure to present it on request will result in BLAM.
*Bring him [[An Eldar's Ears|a captive Eldar]] {{BLAM}} XENOS LOVING FILTH!! ("I'll be happy to take that captive off your hands commissar.")
*When the rest of your squad looks like they are gonna fall back, step away from the Commissar's general direction as he might choose to execute you to make an example for the rest of the men.
*When the rest of your squad looks like they are gonna fall back, step towards the Commissar's general direction as he might choose to execute you to make an example for the rest of the men.
*When you are about to do something that can only be described as batshit insane and a Commissar's around suggest it to him, if you survive said suicide mission he'll probably favor you a bit, which probably means that he MIGHT actually think about who's he shooting at.
*If you're the guy at the wheel of a transport, DRIVE HIM CLOSER! HE WANTS TO HIT THE ENEMIES OF THE EMPRAH WITH HIS SWORD!
*Prior to giving him wargear, make sure that you ''haven't'' cleaned it, most Commissars prefer the bloodstained wargear look. {{BLAM}} failure to clean blood off of your weapons or uniform is an offence against the Departmento Munitorum policies!
*Make sure you're the only man left in the squad other than the Commissar when retreating, the Commissar rulebook says that if the squad he is attached to only has one man left, he isn't allowed to make his face blow up because he'd end up looking stupid and it's a waste of ammo since there is nobody to inspi {{BLAM}} Commisar Does what he wants!
*If the Commissar looks pissed read (or at least pretend to read) an Imperial Creed book or something, he can't shoot you because you're reading Imperial Creed stu-- {{BLAM|'''*BLAM*'''}} Now you are no longer reading it. Situation resolved.
*Bring an RPG or other Big Fucking Gun in case he tries to blam you. Make sure you say "you've been bla-{{BLAM}} HERESY! (pssst! Make sure you say "You've been BLAMMED!" AFTER you kill the Commissar and know there aren't more on the battlefield. [[Just As Planned|WHO'S LAUGHING NOW COMMISSARS!?]]){{BLAM}} HERESY!
*Instead of ''DYING'', try to acquire the Enemy's head. Minor kudos for a Grunt, Some kudos for an NCO Equivalent, and perhaps at least a bit of respect from the Commissar him/herself for an enemy Commander, or said Commander's Lieutenants. Possible points if you shout out: ''"DEATH UNTO THE ENEMIES OF MA-..."'' {{BLAM|'''*BLAM*'''}} Borderline Khorne-Worship!

==Notable Commissars==
*[[Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt]] (<s>Who?</s>) {{BLAM}} HERESY!
*[[Commissar Yarrick]]
*Commissar [[Ciaphas Cain]] HERO OF THE IMPERIUM!!!!! Secretly believes himself to be a coward. The truth of that is up for debate.
*[[Commissar Fuklaw]] is tired of putting up with your heretical bullshit.
*[[Commissar Dan]]
*[[Heretical Love|Commissar Max]] the Lovemachine of Yagis V. (It should be noted that he was actually a guardsman who picked up Commissar regalia and weapons.)
*[[K59|Commissar K59]]
*Commissar [[Holt]]
*[[Commissar Raege]]
*[[Kharn|Kharn]] [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRVcdLPqoHg| The Commissar]
*[[Colonel Greiss]] Formerly a Commissar; became a conventional officer through necessity.
* [[Commissar Lord Bernn|Commissar LORD Bernn]] (always put LORD in ALL CAPS -bold is optional-, not doing so is Heresy.) Known for making entire armies completely invincible as long as he has people to execute and beating Mega-Daemon Princes, Hive Tyrants, Land Raider Redeemers, Battlewagons, Deranged Khornate Chaos Champions (if you're so far off your rocker that other Khornates think you're crazy, you may be a wee bit nutters), and Eldar wraithlords to death with a power fist. Also notable for being able to one-shot any infantry, from lowly Ork boyz to TERMINATORS with his laspistol. He needs no words to show he's a badass.
*'''Commissar "Colonel" Schaeffer''' He had his arm shot off by a plasma gun '''AND GREW IT BACK''', had his spine rebuilt after being crushed by a tank and made a full recovery, had his eyes replaced after his other ones were destroyed and has survived being thrown into suicide mission after suicide mission for over 300 years '''LIKE A BOSS''', he gets down and dirty and is usually seen in front of his men in the battle rather than behind them. He's still brutal as fuck to deserters though. *why doesn't he have his own pag- {{BLAM}}
* Commissar Jaes "Jellyfish" Quallen. Fragile, stuttering, clumsy, prone to disease, about as intimidating as a wet kitten. His enlistment was a cruel wager between two of his rich aunts to see if he would survive. He barely made his commission as commissar, and he was discarded to the Catachan 217th infantry to get rid of him. And yet he's still alive today. What's more, he leads his men from the very front, utterly fearless when the jagged teeth of Chaos spawn ('''OH GOD NOOOOOOAAAAAUUUUUUUGHHHHHHH!!! GRRAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!''') are inches from his face, humming to himself in the middle of the shitstorm that is every battlefield. Atypical for a Catachan company, his men are quite loyal to him, well-liked for leading by example instead of inspiring fear behind the lines ... although they do tease him off-duty by playing keepaway with his hat.
*Commissar Viktor Hark - The Commissar for the Tanith First (and Only). Pretty bad ass dude with a cybernetic arm to beat heretics and a plasma pistol to melt faces with. Pretty reasonable for a Commissar, preferring {{BLAM}} only when it can have the most effect on a units morale, which in some cases means blamming the guy in charge.

==Commissar Mortality==
Commissars do not exactly have a high life expectancy (well, not that anyone in Imperial Guard have). Next to the many horrible fates that await your average "balls of steel" Guardsman in the [[grimdark]] WH40K universe, the Commissars have some additional aggravating factors leading to a quick demise.

Some reasons:
* A commissar's uniform is very different from those he is working with, add to that he is shouting things at people and possibly {{BLAM}}-ming them, probably without fire being returned at him, and is probably carrying different weapons than those around him. It doesn't take a genius to figure out he is an obvious High-Value Target which any sniper worth the name would take note of.
* Aforementioned uniform offers little to no head protection, head protection is for cowards and cowards get {{BLAM}}-med. (However, a Commissar's lack of headgear can get him {{BLAM}}-med by the enemy).
* {{BLAM}}-ming cowards, and especially {{BLAM}}-ming non-cowards, often has a side effect of *accidentally* getting shot, repeatedly, sometimes even far from the front lines. This fate is particularly common for those attached to Catachan units.
* Even when not getting *accidentally* shot/dropped in a pit/run over/... by his own troops, few Guardsmen will risk their lives to save a Commissar should he get into trouble with the enemy.
* Some Commissars both lead by example and expect their men to perform acts of suicidal courage, resulting in performing collective suicide in the name of the Emprah.
* Lots of Commissars like big flashy bolt pistols. Bolt pistols, being roight flash bitz of dakka, naturally attract orks like sugar water attracts flies, and unlike laspistols eventually run out of bolts.

==Quotes==

* "Fear me...'''''but follow!'''''"
* "You can give the Emperor your loyalty, or I can take it from your corpse."
* "You DARE shoot at me?...{{BLAM|'''AT ME?!'''}}
* "What I cannot crush with words, I shall crush with the tanks of the Imperial Guard."
* "Fear ensures loyalty! Where do you need me?"
* "Trooper, the enemy ''may'' kill you, but if you try to run I '''will''' kill you!"
* {{BLAM|'''*BLAM!*'''}}
*"It is our duty to muster the Guardsmen's courage and loyalty under fire and it is our duty to - '''GET THE FUCK BACK HERE!'''"{{BLAM}}{{BLAM}}
*"WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO DIE?! 'CAUSE I SURE AS HELL DIDN'T!"
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xrrCY7dgaqs Drive me closer, I want to hit them with my sword!]
* "Follow my example or I will MAKE YOU ONE!"
* A compilation of some -if not all- of DowII Commissar quotes can be found: [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isLz_8ppLig here].
* <s>Heil Hitler!</s> {{BLAM|'''*BLAM!* HERESY!!!'''}} Heil Emperor!
** Wouldn't it be Heil der Gott-Kaiser? {{BLAM|'''*BLAM!* HERESY!!!'''}} It is:Heil dem Gott-Imperator! Good job on the hyphen, though. {{BLAM}}
* "If you will not serve in combat, ''then you will serve '''on the firing line!'''''" {{BLAM}}
* "SHUT UP ZATHRAS"

==Gallery==
{{Promotions}}
<center><gallery>
Image:Commisarmoti.jpg|The real reason why Guardsmen do not revolt en masse (odd. I'd rather take my chances with a human with a gun rather than, say, a Dark Eldar or a Daemon).
Image:Closer.jpg|Commissars never let practicality get in the way of their awesomeness.
Image:Thenewcommissar.jpg|[[Kharn]] during his traitor commissar days with the Red Rivers traitor guardsmen.
Image:Commissar Surfing.jpg|Again, practicality is never a hindrance.
Image:Komissar_by_kriegsmachine14.jpg|Why so serious? Let's put a smile on that there face...
Image:Romantic_Commissar.jpg|Commissars can be romantic. It's just that they are too busy blamming Guardsmen.
Image:Comissar_Promotions.jpg|Imperial Guard Promotion policy, you either get promoted or Blammed, no exceptions.
Image:1207335821953.jpg|[[Commissar Dan]] on the blaze of glory run
Image:Commissarpoke.jpg|Don't let this one's slow demeanor make you too confident..
Image:Comissar-by-Chink-1.jpg|Chink loev commissar
Image:Comissar-by-Chink-2.jpg|[[Rule 63]] spares no one.
Image:Yarrick_by_Chink_1.jpg|[[Commissar Yarrick]] by Chink
Image:Yarrick_by_Chink_2.jpg
Image:Feb.jpg|Commissar from the ill-fated /tg/ calendar project
Image:Atra concept.jpg|Much Sexier Version
Image:Daemonette commisssar.JPG|One of these is not like the others.
Image:Commissar-Fuck_Yeah.jpg|Imperial Guard, FUCK YEAH!
Image:Commissar_Badass.jpg|[[Ciaphas Cain|HERO OF THE IMPERIUM!]]
Image:Fixedhat2.jpg|The Commissar is here to ensure your loyalty.
Image:1226746378911.jpg|Squad morale restored.
Image:1230024061774.png|Reasonable Commissars know that summary execution is not always needed to motivate anyone.
Image:powerfists_commissar.jpg|If you're wondering how she's "coping" with those things, don't ask us, for we have as good an idea as you do..
Image:CommissarCos.jpg|{{BLAM}}
Image:Commissar Hansen.jpg|Guardian of all imperial [[loli|lolis]].
Image:Penguin_Commisar.jpg|Do not approach the Commissar under any circumstances, no matter how cute he may be
Image:Emote-commissar.gif
</gallery></center>

[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]]
[[Category:Imperial]]
[[Category:Commissars]]

Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer

2016-02-28T03:51:34Z

2601:285:103:64A:B546:455B:1C5F:E921: /* Table of Contents */

[[Image:UpliftingPrimer.jpeg|thumb|right]]

The '''Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer''' is the standard book carried by ALL [[Imperial Guard|Imperial Guardsmen]]. The book, like the steel balls, is standard issue to all recruits. Failure to present it upon request may result in [[Blam|getting shot]]. There is even a page with a small white square on it, and if said square is in any way defiled or marked then the owner would be immediately and thoroughly executed. Good luck trying to actually own a real life copy, it is more expensive than a Leman Russ, just for a used copy. Although, you could get lucky and find ''The Imperial Infantryman's Handbook'' for almost half that price at Barnes and Noble - it includes the Imperial Munitorum Manual as well as the Uplifting Primer in a single book. It also has a nifty little section of pink pages in the back titled ''The Benedictions of the Emperor, Inspiration Source and Uplifting Creeds for all Infantryman''.

This Book basically tells the infantryman that his [[lasgun|weapons]] are the best in the [[41st millennium|universe]] and WILL kill most things with ONE shot (possible but unlikely). It also tells such helpful things like Eldar Shurikens being unable to penetrate Flak armor (total lie and hilarious considering nearly just about any kind of weapon can penetrate flak armor), [[Orks]] being small and stupid (bigger lie, at least at the small part), the [[Tau]] are herbivorous animals that are scared by loud noises and possibly incapable of mathematics and science (wait until the reader sees the sheer amount of loud dakka the Tau posses) or most hilariously, [[Genestealers]] being ''slow, sluggish, and having blunt-tipped claws'' (to which every [[Terminator]] marine in the galaxy either promptly laughed his ass off or suffered an aneurysm from sheer stupidity.)

For an experienced Guard veteran, the only comfort that the primer provides is in cleaning up after a visit to the restroom and MSTing when the commissar isn't around. Seriously, it's canon according to the "15 hours" novel.

''Although it could be argued that is the whole purpose of the primer. Freedom of print is relatively spotty in the God Emperor's realm but all the stuff about how Xenos are puny and weak could be just keep the inevitable civilian reader from crapping himself in fear, since if most people knew the truth about the Imperium's enemies, they'd never join. Few regiments of the IG are without a veteran cadre that would be quick to explain to the FNGs (Frakking New Guys) that Orks are actually quite clever and agile plus larger than humans, Eldar shurikens will reduce you to lunch meat regardless of your flak vest, genestealers will get all up in your grill and rip you apart before you can blink, and that whilst theoretically a Lasgun can kill anything in the galaxy in one shot, it's better to be thorough and [[dakka|shoot it a few dozen more times]]. As such, the primer is there to encourage people to join and boost their morale. In the Imperium's eyes, they only need to last until they get attacked by the enemy. The "weak" get culled and the "strong" survive.''

== Table of Contents ==

# '''Principles and Regulations'''. The rules are very stacked against the lowly trooper. "WRONGS TO SOLDIER, REDRESS OF: Any soldier who thinks himself wronged by an officer and who tries to incite proceedings against them will be punished by a flogging from the officer in question, in front of the rest of the platoon. Officers are to be obeyed at all times, without question or reservation."
# '''Issued Arms, Attire, Apparatus and Equipment'''. The instructions on how to use this stuff is useful.
# '''Imperial Guard Organization, Structure, Basic Battlefield Policy'''. This section is actually quite useful for understanding the logistics
# '''Imperial Guard Armour and Tank Recognition, Affiliated and Enemy Variants'''. It's good to be able to recognize friendly tanks from enemies, but the abilities of enemy vehicles are severely understated.
# '''Know Your Foe'''. This section doesn't actually give much knowledge. See above.
# '''Elementary Battlefield Medical Instruction'''. The writer did their research here. There is also a gratuitous section reminding the trooper that any sign of cowardice (in a medical context it's likely referring to PTSD or Shell Shock) is to be reported to a Commissar at once so the usual treatment can be administered. Whether *BLAMMING* or simple notice for the Commissar to pull the soldier out of the line for basic therapy and R&R is up to the reader/Commissar in question.

==Actual Contents of Value==
Despite much of the above (and a lot of what the above lists is ''not'' exaggeration), the Primer actually has a great deal of genuinely useful information in it. Included useful segments include:
* Numerous prayers and hymnals to the [[God-Emperor of Mankind]]
:*Not Included ''The Litany of Stealth''
* Numerous bits of insight on tactics, weapon analysis, and how to keep oneself sane in a given war. Included are segments from the Tactica Imperium, information on how to set frag grenades as booby-traps, how to operate, maintain, and modify lasguns, and numerous bits of information explaining why it's so important that the [[Imperium of Man]] send millions to die all across the Segmentum Solar (tactical importance of the current campaign in terms that the grunts can understand, so they fight with more clarity of purpose)
* Why the Commissar is there to help you and not simply execute your ass to be a dick (mileage may vary)
* Helpful suggestions on how to impress the aforementioned [[Commissar]] with suicidally-brave acts of heroism
* How to procure food and water in a survival situation.
* Why the [[Chaos|ruinous powers]] are bad, how to recognize when someone is under their sway... {{BLAM|FOR OFFICERS EYES ONLY. ARE YOU AN OFFICER? NO!? '''*BLAM!*'''}} and why you should put your faith in the Emprah
* Correct ways to conduct [[Cadian Shock Troops|fieldcraft]] and [[Death Korps of Krieg|trench warfare]]
* The proper use on how to [[Reasonable Marines|take cover and use said cover in a fight]] (*GASP* THEY USE COVER!?)
* Information on [[Sly Marbo|demolition and sabotage]] tactics.
* Why the [[Tau|dreaded space communists]] are bad and eat babies, even though the eating babies is a lie.
* Why the [[Eldar]] are untrustworthy fucks, though the Imperium is no better {{BLAM|HERETICS LIKE YOURSELF ARE NOT WORTHY OF THE TRUTH! '''*BLAM!*'''}}.
* Why leading by example is important (I.E. how to grow the Guardsman standard-issue stainless steel balls. It's a lot like a Chia-pet.)
* Jokes and mocking of the enemy. (The infamous "Litany of Stealth")
* [[Humanity Fuck Yeah|Why humanity is the rightful heir to the universe,]] [[Skub|and thus how purging xenos and heretics is doing the Emperor's work.]]
*[[Grimdark|A death notice to be filled out by the trooper's commander and/or commissar, to speed up informing the next of kin to the trooper's inevitable and almost certainly horrible demise.]]

==Gallery==

<gallery>
Image:IIUPLasgun.jpg|The Primer contains all sorts of information, from the very helpful...
Image:IIUPBayonetting.jpg|...to the parts that are of better use as bog roll. (Except for that last sentence, that's actually a good idea if you ever get there). Not that this is unhelpful mind, just that it's more worthless then a screen door on a submarine against orks.
</gallery>

[[Category:Imperial]]
[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]]