2d4chan - User contributions [en]

Emperor's To-Do List

2020-04-05T04:15:12Z

2601:443:47F:3CA0:3D89:95D9:8FA4:EBE8:

{{Awesome}}
{{Heresy}}
== The Emperor's list of Things to do after Resurrection ==
The God-Emperor of Mankind has been taking a bit of a breather lately, but don't think that he has stopped caring and looking after humanity. As a matter of fact, the [[Adeptus Custodes]] happen to have scribbled down this reassuring list of things that the Emperor intends to do once he's finished taking a little nap, scratched his non-existent nose and taken a bath.

==Rules for new entries==

1: Learn to spell. This is the Emperor's Sacred To-Do List, not the toilet paper roll of an illiterate [[Indrick Boreale|five year old]].

2: Keep crossovers to a minimum, ''especially'' dumb ones. Before you make it, ask yourself "can it be funny without referencing non-[[Warhammer]] stuff?" If the answer is yes, don't make the reference.

3: Read through the damn list before repeating the same damn thing over again, because having five entries, all asking for the same thing is [[Derp|stupid]]. Have you read it? Read it again!

4: Learn to be funny and not painfully annoying, jokes are fine, ''bad'' jokes are not. Before you show us your wit, tell it to some friends and see if they laugh. If you don't have friends, tell it to your pet. If your pet is an [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iguana iguana] and therefore cannot talk, talk to the voices in your head and try to make them laugh.

5: Avoid excessive strike-throughs and [[Blam|blamming]], as it makes it hard for all of us to read.

6: Anyone who declares a state of anarchy or refers to this article as a "thread", will be [[Blam|shot]], [[Dark Eldar|dragged out behind the barnyard]], [[Ork|beaten severely]], [[Imperial Guard|run over with a Baneblade]], then [[Blam|shot]] again.

7: If you can't make jokes, then put some effort to make an insightful or interesting submission. Think about what the [[God-Emperor of Mankind|God-Emperor]] would actually do when he wakes up to the sight of a regressing civilization.

8: Don't edit these rules.

==The Holy List (in no particular order)==
[[File:TheLiterallyImmortalGodEmperorOfMankind.jpg|300px|thumb|"Your faith in The Emperor shall assuredly be rewarded."]]
The thing is that the Emperor of Mankind would be really pissed off upon returning his consciousness to his body and finding out what happened to his Imperium during his 10,000-year-long absence/slumber upon the Golden Throne.
In his absence, the [[High Lords of Terra|idiots]] running the Imperium have become even more corrupt, the [[Imperial Truth]] has been forgotten by everyone, some [[Ecclesiarchy|retards]] have got everyone worshipping me, some [[Black Templars|maniacs]] are so fucked up they are just killing anyone useful, and the general state of affairs is through and through [[Grimdark|GRIMDARK]].
This list describes the immediate "improvements" the Emperor of Mankind would install, steps towards a more [[noblebright]] galaxy. The list has also seen some additions made by the [[Adeptus Custodes]] and the [[Commissars]] of the [[Imperial Guard]].

----
# Scratch my nose.
# Take a bath.
# Scratch my everything.
# Eat breakfast.
# Find my ballpoint pen.
# Punch Lorgar in the face.
## Then punch everyone else in the face.
# Roll around on the floor.
# Scream really loud.
# Get some tacos.
# Kill every single one of the [[Marines Malevolent]]. Because they deserve it.
# Look at this list and reorganize. Some items on the list are more important than others.
## Not enough dakka
# Become CEO and majority shareholder of [[Games Workshop]].
## Execute and then replace its upper level employees and management.
# Recognize /tg/ for its greatness.
# Clone Creed <strike>and make him commander of everything</strike>-Scratch that, resurrect '''LORD SOLAR MACHARIUS''', make ''him'' commander of everything, and make Creed his second-in-command... of everything. Also, make the both of them into Primarchs for good measure
# Find Dorn, and spank his ass until it is so red Magnus looks normal in comparison because his spiky Iron Halo popped my eye.
# Hand his so-called 'Imperial Guards' over to the Angry Marines
## Then hand his entire military over the Angry Marines to use to decorate every chain sword in the galaxy with their guts
# Build a new Death Star, I want a Death Star, dammit!
## Scratch that, Get Titan Converted into a new Starkiller base. Fuck, The Grey Knights would be good enough, but keep it away from the rest of the [[Inquisition]]
## Actually, create something even bigger, just because I can.
## ''Important note:'' Stick a void shield on the thing!
## '''''Very Important Note''''' Make sure it can't be blown up by a few lucky idiots doing a single thing somewhere important.
### '''''''Extremely Important Note''''''' Make sure you plan to declare a crusade on Eldar Craftworlds(not Exodites, waste of resources) to make sure they don't stop you from building it.
# Take a shower, I smell worse than a [[Plague Marine]] at this point.
# Brush my teeth, because at this point, my halitosis could probably qualify for Exterminatus.
# Fix my fucked up face.
# Find [[Magnus the Red|Magnus]], and spank him until his buttocks are in the infrared spectrum for ruining everything.
# Create [[Catgirl|Catgirls]].
## Kill anyone who asks why, as they are too stupid to live.
## Destroy the gene manipulation records as to not enable anyone to make Chakats.
## Never mind, turns out [[Felinids]] are already a thing. Saves me the trouble.
## Give Felinids "sanctioned" status so no one can fuck with them.
# Retry building the Golden Throne so that this time I can access the [[Webway]].
## But this time actually share it with other people and test it somewhere else off of [[Holy Terra]].
# Add more bling to my palace, even more bling to my throne and go bling crazy on a new suit of armour.
# Drive around the M25 in a car so fast I dig a trench around London by friction
# Table an Eldar player by turn 2 in an equal points game (it's possible, I've just done it!!!(bitches))
# Recruit black guardsmen/bolter bitches.
# Eat something other than psykers babies, seriously I need to eat more carbohydrates.
## And some protein, so I can get even more ripped. I know no-one can see my [[Gay|muscles]], but they need to be there.
## Don't forget your vitamins too, Dear.
# Eat a live [[Carnifex]] without the aid of sauces.
# Eat another live [[Carnifex]] with the aid of sauces.
# Turn yet another [[DISTRACTION CARNIFEX|Carnifex]] into sauce, while living, and use that as a sauce for the last live Carnifex.
# Discover a way to cook Tyranids so they taste like buttered lobsters or fried bacon. That way, Imperial Guardsmen will not only be cheered up by the prospect of a good meal at the end of a battle, but they would also appreciate the irony of galaxy-eaters suddenly becoming tasty grub. Hiveships, once dreaded, would become flying hors d'oeuvres platters.
# Wash the Carnifex meal down with a glass of soda and Amasec.
# Further expand the Warhammer 40K storyline without the interference of [[Games Workshop]].
# Teach the [[Imperial Guard]] generals some actual tactics other than "Hey-Diddle-Diddle-Straight-Up-The-Middle."
# Tell the Adeptus Mechanicus to stop keeping secrets and actually try to advance technology so we don't have to rely on whatever scraps from the [[Dark Age of Technology]] we have left. Threaten to Exterminatus Mars if they don't.
# Replace the Imperial Guardsmen [[Lasgun|Lasguns]] with something that can ''actually'' do shit. Probably some Pulse Rifles or Gauss Flayers.
# Get a Militarum codex for all the Segmenta and make Militarum Solar entirely from [[Adeptus Custodes]] in Necrodermis.
# Make up with [[Matt Ward|Matthew Ward]] as he isn't that bad.
## GeeDubs still made shit in his absence.
# Kick that [[Star Wars]] Emperor's arse.
## Proceed to reverse engineer their lasers and proceed to make Lasguns better.
## Hang out with Darth Vader.
# Gather every Guardsman, Astartes, Inquisition operative, Sororita, Commissar... hell, everyone in the Imperium of Man, give them weapons, have them surround the Eye of Terror and ''then'' let the Greatest of all Holy shitstorms ensue.
## Optional: Proceed to create Black Hole Producing weaponry and launch a ton at the Eye of Terror.
# On that note, find a way to bring [[Kaldor Draigo]] from the warp. I need him because he Gets Shit Done.
## Fuck Kaldor Draigo, he's insane(yet funny). Find someone just as awesome as me to get some shit done...Doomguy.
## Or perhaps this Doom Slayer man, I heard he took down a demonic god.
# Outangry [[Angron]], outsex [[Fulgrim]], outfortify [[Perturabo]], outwit [[Magnus]], outspeed [[Jaghatai Khan|Khan]], outpreach [[Lorgar]], outdrink [[Leman Russ|Russ]], outendurance [[Mortarion]] and outforge [[Vulkan]].
# Personally execute Fulgrim, Perturabo, Angron and the rest of the traitor Primarchs.. ''after'' the Inquisition has given them a proper torturing. Except Fulgrim. No torture for him will be torture enough.
## May I suggest simply bringing them back into your fold my lord? Primarchs are rather expensive.
# Beat [[Khorne]] in an arm wrestling match, thus avenging my prior defeat at his hands, then rip his arm off and beat him to death with it.
# Show [[Slaanesh]] my dick and watch his/hers/its sweet tears of envy. If Slaanesh doesn't cry, just dickslap the bitch into Khorne's arms and eat popcorn while hilarity ensues.
# Hug [[Nurgle|Papa Nurgle]] and remain pure.
# Get [[Isha]] out of Nurgle's clutches, then watch as every Eldar wych freaks out, incidentally causing the Eye of Terror to blink. [[Just as Planned]].
# Seduce Isha, just to prove that I can, and watch as Nurgle gets pissed off.
# Fuck Isha so hard that every [[Eldar]] is gonna feel their asses sore. Also make sure to livestream it!
# Give Nurgle a bath, with holy water made by distilling the blood of 1,000,000,000,000 saints.
# Make Nurgle feel gut-wrenching sadness so bad his cultists won't be so unnaturally happy.
# Run before plagues eat Nurgle alive for not being diseased enough, spontaneously combusting with the power of 10 of my Legendary Power Swords.
# Devise a scheme so elaborate and complex that I'll be the one to say "Just as planned" to Tzeentch.
## Makes sure it better than what [[Creed]] could come up with.
# Then do the same thing to [[Commander Puretide]].
# And then do the same to [[Imotekh the Stormlord]].
# And then do the same to [[Eldrad]].
# Then get Creed, Imotekh, Puretide, Eldrad, [[Aetaos'Rau'Keres]], The [[Swarmlord]] and [[Kairos Fateweaver| Kairos]] instated as the new Eggheads.
# Outdick [[Eldrad]]. Then screw both of his daughters in front of him. Again. At the same time.
## Go back in time and get Eldrad to have more daughters, so that I can have an orgy in front of him.
### While your at it, create a Time Travel Paradox Nuke to destroy the universe for leverage over Chaos and everyone else. [[Just as Planned]].
## Apologize to [[Taldeer]] by officiating at her wedding with LIIVI (and make that canon!)
# Go back in time (multiversal travel required too) and tell the dumb fuck at [[Games Workshop]] [[Matthew Ward]] who fucked up the 5th Edition of Codex Astartes that "He's doing it wrong," the dude to made the Imperial Guard better that "He's doing it right,"(Tomb kings and Tyranids disagree), then go to the guy who decided to give the Guard flashlights and take him to the Inquisition to be properly tortured.
# <s>Make a Total War version of Warhammer</s> Done. Make a [[Total War]] version of Warhammer 40k.
# Permit Space Marines and Sisters of Battle to date. Well, the Astartes call themselves my Sons, and the Sororitas say they're my Daughters... maybe this plan is a wee bit awkward? But I want grandkids, and the last time I was a dad, my son [[Horus]] went and [[Horus Heresy|ruined Christmas for everybody]].
# Be a better father to the rest of my sons, as not to spark another shitstorm that will inevitably cripple me for another few millennia.
# Go on a deer-hunting trip with some [[Vindicare]] and bag more kills than him using MY KICKASS FLAY-WITH-MY-MIND POWERS!!!
# Overshadow an [[Eversor]] Assassin during his dynamic entry.
# Deceive a [[Callidus]] Assassin with disguises and trick her into having a romantic relationship with me.
# Outbrood a [[Culexus]] Assassin and still remain awesome.
# Deceive the [[C'tan]] false GabeN "[[The Deceiver]]" by tricking him into giving over control of the Necrons to me.
# Find the C'tan called "[[The Outsider]]" and rehabilitate him. If not possible, kick him into a Black Hole.
# Find out what if anything is chasing the Tyranids and see if they're friendly. If not: Launch the prototype promethium planetary bombardment torpedo.
# Once again outdick Eldrad in the game of his choice, forcing him to ragequit.
# Beat a [[Lord of Change]] Greater Daemon in a game of Chess with only 5 moves.
# Then beat it in 4
# Make a better emergency life support system as a safeguard if things for some reason go south. By that I mean make some kinda Emperor [[Dreadnought]] or some shit like that so I can still do my job instead of all this being a decaying corpse on some tricked out toilet worshiped by the entire population... did I mention how much this sucks? I heard that an old fart by the name of Karamazov has a dreadnought as a chair...
# <s>Personally get that dreadnought back-up plan started</s> Better idea, make myself a fucking [[Imperator Battle Titan|Imperator Titan]] as my Dreadnought backup plan
##Actually, fuck that, build a Dreadnought that goes in an Imperator Titan.
##fuck it, have the [[Adeptus Mechanicus|cog-faced boys]] over at mars make me an even bigger titan and then throw the imperial palace on its back
# Outright skullfuck Slaanesh for making something so good be so wrong and heretical.
# Eliminate masturbation across the Imperium and in its place have sanctioned sex workers as part of the socialized medical program(no, I think I had it right before) so nobody will be stuck comforting themselves alone ever again.
# Go outdick Eldrad one last time. Then put all the Eldar he saved when he got the Orks to invade Armageddon in a life threatening situation.
## Let Eldrad try and save them.
## Laugh as he fails.
## Save them so I get to be the bigger man.
## Make a note of where they all are so next time Eldrad pisses me off I can kill them without wasting too much time.
# Send search parties throughout the Empire to find that awesome excuse for a Space [[Viking]], [[Leman Russ]], and if he's found alive, hand his ass to him like I did before I got stuck on this throne.
# Prove the existence of the [[Alpha Legion]].
# Get those two exiled legions back again, they've blasted enough [[Tyranids]] in other galaxies by now!
# Give Alpharius and Omegon a hug for staying secretly loyal and fighting Chaos from within for ten thousand years, then ground them for a decade for all the damage they did in the process
# Invent a more reliable warp drive in order to...
# Expand the Imperium to a intergalactic empire.
# Create a special rule just for myself so that instead of just ''one'' unit as a scout, I field an [[Creed|ENTIRE REGIMENT'S worth of troops as scouts]].
# Beat a Commissar at a Western-Style shootout.
# Recognize the [[Legion of the Damned]] for their awesomeness and badassery.
# Challenge [[Sly Marbo]] to a duel to decide who is the greatest being in the entire universe.
# Beat a Tau Broadside battlesuit in ranged combat using only an angry glare.
# <s>Hunt down my Legendary Power Sword. Again</s>. Never mind Apparently roboute found it
##Ask him if he can give it back
# Come up with a Name for my Legendary Power Sword more original than The Burning Blade.
# Use the warp to go back in time, find myself and beat myself in a duel, so I can have TWO Legendary Power Swords!!!
# GROW A GOD-DAMNED BEARD. HOW CAN I BE CONSIDERED MANLY WITHOUT A BEARD? Also, how the fuck none grew in 10 fucking thousand years?
#Give a TONS of medals and some miles of purity seals to [[Gav and Bob|Gav]] (seriously, that ogryn kill a keeper of secrets and a thousand sons wizard) then resurrect Bob, commissar Arry and give a new body to Tarla for make him happy.
# Find the canon-Nazi using this list as his own personal toilet paper to wipe his shit on and mail him to Commorragh.
# Throw a WAAAGH!!
## Invite the Orks to said WAAAGH!!.
## Aim said WAAAGH!! at the Necrons/Tyranids.
## Bring a camera.
## ???
## PROFIT.
# Find [[Lion El'Jonson]] and get him back on the front line owning shit.
# Resurrect [[Rogal Dorn]]/Rogal Dorn's hand, and stitch it back on.
# Disable [[Roboute Guilliman]]'s life support.
## Never mind, someone got him off his lazy blue butt.
## Find out who resurrected him and keep them on retainer in case things go ploin-shaped again.
## Apologise to him for being such a dick when we last spoke. See point 63 for reason why.
# Create a First Founding 2.0 to make the [[Angry Marines]], [[Manly Marines]] and those other guys canon.
# Come up with more shit for The Emperor's list of Things to do after Resurrection 2.0 if things do go south for some reason and the Emprah-dread-titan ain't ready yet.
# Turn the Armageddon conflict into a 24/7 Reality TV Channel, just like in that fantastic movie The Truman Show.
# Invent a deodorant that works on Typhus.
# Promote [[Cypher]] to Warmaster, he's clearly more competent than any other human that got to that rank. He seems more reliable than even Lion El'Jonson.
# Fuck, trip-out and drink the whole of [[Commorragh]] under the table, and then <s>kick</s> PUNT their stoned arses into Hell.
# Proceed to turn the remnants of Commorragh into a family friendly theme/water park called "EMPRA LAND!". Featured attractions: Blam the Xenos, Hot Heretic and Dismember the Deamon!
# Somehow regain my love and compassion. Can't lead the Imperium into non-grimdarkness without that, you know!
# Figure out how to get my awesomesauce body back since I lost all my limbs to decomposition.
# Make the Ultramarines stop boasting how awesome they are while in fact they fuck up almost every vital engagement. Thus, first I must make them REALLY awesome, and then I won't need to tell about it to anyone since it will be a fact in itself.
# Somehow find a way to come back without sparking off galaxy-wide hysteria. Seriously, who would have thought being considered a GabeN would suck so hard?
# Redesign the power armor [[pauldrons]]. CAN'T SEE SHIT WITH THESE THINGS ON, I MEAN FUCK. Also, I can't fucking scratch my neck without smashing my head. While I'm at it, find out why the fucking hell I thought that was a good idea to have those things so big in the first place.
## My lord, the Techpriests of Mars have fixed this issue by making the pauldrons slide downwards automatically when the arms need to be raised.
# Design a helmet awesome enough for me, let's see [[Failbaddon|wannabe Horuses]] try to mortally wound me when all of me is covered in armor.
## May I suggest augmenting your laurel crown with a powerfield and some sort of transparent armor?
# Invent a power staircase.
# Resurrect Malcador the Hero and give him a shiny medal for his troubles.
## On second thought, better make it two shiny medals.
## We're talking REALLY shiny, here.
## It's like, damn son.
## So shiny.
## Actually give him three shiny medals.
## Heresy! Give him 4 Shiny medals.
## Actually.... A suit of auramite power armor with the awards engraved in the chest. Add a archaeotech refractor in there too.
# Congratulate [[Abaddon|Failbaddon]] for doing more damage to the forces of Chaos than my armies could have done in the same amount of time by being an incompetent fuck, then dickslap him back into the Warp.
# Use Time machine to bring Archaon into the 41st millennia and watch him beat Abbadon with with his own arms and take his place so I may have a worthy opponent.
# Boot Cato Sicarius into the eye of terror and get Captain Titus to lead the 2nd company.
# Surf a flying leviathan.
# Surf an Emperor-Class [[Titan]]
# Surf the energy beam from an overcharges VOLCANO CANNON, THAT ORBITAL SPIRE IS GOING DOWN!!!
# Get Forge World to make a fluff accurate miniature of me.
# Make a legendary thunder-shield for myself.
# Make my armor out of Necrodermis, I'll be invincible then.
##Find a way to minatureize a void shield into that.
##Failing that, an Ion Shield.
# Make [[Commissar Yarrick]] into a living saint, I'm tired of Khorne bragging about how cool An'ggrath is and how I have nothing to match him, so I want my own version.
# Resurrect Ciaphas Cain and form the "forward retreat" legion for him to command.
# Collect each and every one of the bajillion pieces of Khaine, put them together, and as he resurrects, punch him so hard that he'll fall apart into TWO bajillion pieces.
# Create a super sleeping pill for the Void Dragon so he'll never wake up. In case it won't work, I will pummel him back to sleep personally. It worked before, thus I suppose it wouldn't be too much harder a second time, but I have a lot of better things to attend to so the sleeping pill is worth a try.
# Finally win a game of Paradox Poker. Yes it's fun to get together with Tzeentch, the Deceiver, and Cegorach every Saturday night for these games of dickery. But it's about time that someone won one of these games and it might as well be me. Maybe I can bring Creed along to help.
##Invent a translator for the hive mind so it doesn't sound like a thousand mental patients gargling a million nails in motor oil and weird syntax and can become a regular player.
## Privatize said translator and form a secret alliance with the Hivemind, and then talk shit about the others behind their backs (after making sure the translator works two ways).
# Organize my birthcentury party. It's gonna be an awesome party that'll last 10,000 days!
# Out-prank and out-funny Cegorach... probably the most difficult thing to do on my list.
# Set up arrangements for my return where I launch myself out of a Vindicator and hit a Demon Prince, [[awesome|causing him to explode.]]
# Figure out how to tell [[Adeptus Mechanicus|my man bitches]] to add pimp wheels to my golden throne then maybe a [[Dwarf Fortress|magma cannon]] or something badass...
# Reupholster the golden throne.
# Develop better plans to stop global warming and acid rain on [[Hiveworld]] planets.
# Beat Abaddon with his own arms.
# Recharge my iAuspex.
## Update it too, oh me, the update time....
# Beat [[Matt Ward]] and [[C.S. Goto]] over the head with their crappy works
# Tell the [[Black Templars]] to chill the fuck out. On second thought gather them into the 10,000 strong unstoppable force (ITS IN THE CODEX IT MUST BE SO) and destroy the Eye of Terror.
# Release Bjorn and find the Space Wolves a kennel.
# Get the Space Wolves a damn flea collar
# Win a blinking contest with the Eye of Terror.
# Fetch Badassius his coat.
# Look up affordable retirement plans, I am so sick of babysitting some of these hopeless morons.
# Challenge [[Doomrider]] into a space coke-snorting contest. Then laugh at him as he dies from overdosing on the stuff.
# Convince [[Doombreed]] to allow a model of himself to be made.
# Get a haircut. Ensure my hair is even more fabulous.
# Have a trip over to the dentist.
# [[Exterminatus]] Equestria
## And their sun and moon as while, do those first actually.
# Beat Chuck Norris with his own legs
# Start an intergalactic fast food chain. (Empy's Empanada's)
# Invent a time machine.
# Guarantee that Magnus won't fuck up my invention again. Rip his eye out and beat him to death with it.
# Use the time-machine to drink [[Leman Russ]] under the table.
# Using the time-machine so I can eat more than Leman Russ as well.
# Hatch an extremely complicated time machine plot.
## Go back in time and give yourself a time machine and all future information
## Do something cool??? Figure out how to twist reality better?
## Uhhh.... running out of ideas... Annihilate [[Horus]]?
## Do something about your fall. What fall?
## No Matter What Happens, The world will... wait is it will or was or is...
## ???
## ????????????????????
## Profit?
## Hire the Tau to make a animated series about my inter-time adventures, call it Golden;Throne or something.
# Assign a Primarch to the [[Angry Marines]]
# Assign Zoloft regiment to newly anointed Primarch of the Angry Marines
# Find my driver's license and look up own name.
# Clean house with the Administratum. How can we get shit done when we don't know how much we have to work with?
# Dig out my office from all the paperwork/peat moss that has accumulated over the <s>years</s> <s>decades</s> <s>centuries</s> fucking millennia. Not looking forward to this one.
## Get my old battleship for a shortcut.
# Make galaxy wide web and ban Lord Commissar from every thing.
## Spy on everyone with no mercy. [[Chaos]] will corrupt through the web or some stupid explanation via Chaos Magic.
# Invent a social network purely for Space Marines accessible from any data slate called Facemarine.com
# Invent a website called 40000chan.org so that humanity will finally be rid of the IRL [[trolls]] that have taken control over the hive cities, instead of the internet.
# Outangry a Angry Marine
# Outmanly a Manly Marine
# Outpretty a [[Pretty Marines|Pretty Marine]]
# Utterly destroy all [[furry|furfaggotry]]. (Space wolves and catgirls not included!)
# Beat myself in arm-wrestling with only one arm.
# Beat [[Commissar Fuklaw]] in a chainsword duel. Then every Angry Marine.
# Tell the [[Blood Ravens]] to stop dicking around in the Aurelia Subsector and get to work on that Eye Of Terror thing.
# Cure space-AIDS by wiping out those filthy Dark Eldar.
# Pimp the Golden Throne so that I may score even more bitches.
# Make a show called "The Fresh Emperor of Sacred Terra".
# Get new toilet paper, this 40,001 year megapack has almost run out.
# Turn off my [[Astronomicon|nightlight]]. Seems that everyone was using it for something. Well, no big deal I guess.
## Actually, create something better, which has a radius bigger than 50,000 light years, doesn't cause the deaths of one thousand [[psykers]] every day (find a better use for them) but most importantly doesn't need me to control it. I mean come on, my time is too important to just act as a giant psychic signpost.
# Order all thrones, chairs and benches destroyed. Or out of my sight at least, on pain of Exterminatus Cheezious, which is like getting creamed, but harder.
# Build a gold fortress at the [[brits|centre]] of Terra to enslave troglodytes.
# Become human parasite.
# Go back in time, beat entire GW executive board over the head with a power bat and then give the Warhammer 40000 license to someone willing to do a good job of it.
# Scratch that, go back in time, resurrect THQ and tell them to make five more Space Marine games.
# Punch [[Mork]] in the balls, with [[Gork]]'s severed fist.
# Demote [[Creed]] and his friends who keep fucking with my list.
# Beat [[Swarmlord]] and mindfuck [[Hive Mind]]
# Pray night and day that Frank Herbert's family doesn't sue the shit out of me for blatantly ripping him off.
# Get [[Andy Chambers]] BACK!!!
# Kick every heretic who claimed the Space Marine game was a ripoff of Gears of War/Starcraft in the balls with Powerfeet. Then send the [[Angry Marines]] in.
# Beat [[Matt Ward]] to death with [[C.S. Goto]].
# Beat [[C.S. Goto]] to death with [[Matt Ward]]'s corpse.
# Give the Nightbringer nightmares about me.
# Resurrect [[Sanguinius]].
# Tell him how much I missed him.
# Resurrect [[Ferrus Manus]].
# Tell him how much I didn't miss him.
# Find Leman Russ, Corvus Corax, Jaghatai Khan and Vulcan then get their asses back to battlefield.
# Tell the [[Dark Angels]] I forgive them so they stop being emo and ambiguously heretical, and they can get back to kicking the asses of my enemies
# Sit down and a have a cup of tea. Because it's just been that fucking long.
# Find a way to re-create Horus's soul and then destroy it again.
# Then do it again.
# Put a new password on my computer to stop all these heretics from accessing my damn list!
# Buy a really big gun to gather a load of Orks and shit in the middle of nowhere...
# ...then Virus Bomb said area......
# Take a dump on the Golden Throne.
# Congratulate [[Vance Motherfucking Stubbs]].
# Go out on a shopping day to buy a new outfit, because this golden armor set is just ''SO'' 10 millennia ago.
# Order the Inquisition to torture the fuck out of EA's board of directors.
# Use proceeds to pay for Power Armor for every front line soldier in the Imperial Guard. Commissars get Terminator Armor.
# Modify the Imperial Palace to be able to transform into "GabeN Emperor Class Super Titan".
# Play [[Matt Ward]] in a game of Warhammer 40K. Let him build the ultimate broken [[Ultramarines]]/[[Grey Knights]] army. Destroy him in the first round with a [[Sisters of Battle]] army.
## Fuck that, a Imperial Guard army.
## Collect tears of [[butthurt]] and despair from him losing.
# Go back in time and reduce the prices at [[Games Workshop]].
# Unfuck the galaxy (again).
## Then proceed to make sure it won't be fucked again.
### Without annihilating all sentient beings (and therefore killing [[chaos]]) and destroying the universe without causing it to crunch.
# Adopt [[Cultist-Chan]]. Hire a dialect coach and orthodontist for her.
# Find a [[Tarrasque]] and make it [[Emprahsque|my personal pet]].
# Commend [[Captain Titus]] for not succumbing to Ultramarine stereotypes. Conclude the ceremony by striking Brother Leandros (the ungrateful fucking smurf) in the testicles with a thunder hammer.
# Get some Preparation H from the Apothecaries.
# Revise Imperial naval doctrine to emphasize that SPACE IS NOT A FUCKING OCEAN!
# Write a best-selling autobiography.
# Buy a shop-vac and drain [[Khorne]]'s lake of blood. Dump hydrofluoric acid on his skull pile until it is a calcium slurry. Laugh scornfully at Khorne's unbelievable [[rage]] as the work of centuries goes to waste in a few hours.
# Tell everyone to cheer up. The universe is [[grimdark|depressing]] enough, I don't need an entire [[Imperium|empire]] worth of wangst.
# Create a chastity belt out of [[necrodermis]] and put it on Slaanesh. Then create a matching ballgag and shackles in case the fucker might get creative. [[Not as planned|This won't get kinkier, won't it?]]
# [[Blood Bowl|Introduce football to Orks and create elaborate stadiums, as to distract them from killing us.]]
# Weaponize a [[Sonic Weaponry|vuvuzela]] and beat a [[Noise Marine]] with it.
# Get new ballpoint pens because this damn list is draining the ink.
# Create a new space marine chapter dedicated to making pens with holiness.
# Consider ways to liven up sports with the introduction of power armor/fists.
# Disband the [[Ultramarines]] Chapter and show [[Matt Ward]] what has been done as part of the torture.
## If [[Not as planned]] occurs and [[Matt Ward]] ignores you ROB him into the most applicable
# <s>Revive the [[Squats]].</s>{{BLAM}}{{BLAM|Squats are Heresy!}} Bitch I am the mother fucking EMPEROR.
# Piss on Horus' maggoty, heretical corpse.
# Resurrect Horus again and beat him to an inch away from death, then put him in life support/stasis for 10,000 years and make sure he feels every second of it- lets see how he likes being in agony for countless millenia.
# Teach the [[Adeptus Mechanicus]] there is no such thing as machine spirits, and tell them they can start using AI and computers more. See notes regarding Imperial Navy for immediately apparent uses. Then shit an Imperial Palace worth of bricks as the Void Dragon takes over everything and the Age of Strife happens all over again.
# Congratulate The Legion Of The Damned.
# Give the remaining Lamenters a hug. They deserve it.
# Determine if sexual virility has remained intact. If not, demand the necessary supplements under pain of death.
# Dominate a Sister of Battle in bed.
# Find a way to build [[Blackstone Fortress]]es.
## Use as part of plan to shoot the Eye of Terror out of existence.
# Deal with all the spam on 1d4chan.
# Bring back Warhammer Wednesday.
# Make a 40K version of [[Blood bowl]].
# Make Blood bowl the Imperium's official sport.
# Invite the [[Eldar]], [[Chaos]] and the [[Ork]] forces to participate in Blood Bowl games, proceed to rig every game. [[Just as planned]].
# Kill Gorgutz, If he doesn't run away from the fight, like he did on Lorn, Kronus and Karauva.
# Create for myself a massive golden space-caddy to roll around the Imperium and fuck bitches in.
# Train the commissars to stop executing their own men and start executing Furries that are useless instead.
# Officially recognize the reasonable marines as the Knights Inductor. I need a Space Marine chapter that doesn't go trigger happy when they encounter heresy and xenos.
# take a vacation to pen island
# Make a chapter of Space Marines born from clones of [[Simo Hayha]] that is justifiably overpowered in the tabletop.
# Get at least one Space Marine commander, preferably a Grey Knight, in some future Warhammer game to be voiced by James Earl Jones.
## Get a high ranking character in said game to be voiced by Morgan Freeman.
# Eat a pie with a live Carnifex inside with the aid of sauces.
# Look disapprovingly at the Ecclesiarchy then bitch-slap the priests.
# Reintroduce the [[Imperial Truth]], but this time, inform my citizens and soldiers of the dangers of Chaos and how to prevent it from infecting them.
## No wait, that's a terrible idea. Faith hurt's Chaos and religion gives guidance and hope to the masses. It's the stupid Imperial government that kept going ape about heresy and killing people. Since worship apprently ''doesn't'' feed Chaos, there is no point to the Imperial Truth except the Manifest Destiny part.
# Overhaul the Imperial Guard's stance on martial justice. If I happen to catch a Commissar shooting a recruit out of a meaningless quibble, I will beat him with my bare fists and he will have to be permanently accompanied by a servo-skull equipped with a colostomy bag. {{BLAM| Commissar reasonable agrees }}
# Research ways to prepare Orks as a palatable substitute for Corpse Starch rations, much like the ancient Terran food product "Quorn." Would also increase morale among common soldiers, as they would treat a WAAAGH like a Grox dinner with Amasec on legs.
# Find way to make bolt-mounted power field generators feasible? Perhaps I should look at the Angry Marines' Adamantine Sack of Power Doorknobs...
## Also, see about powerfields on the shells fired by weapons batteries on Navy ships. That would be hilarious and awesome.
# Place an Imperial edict forbidding the use of Baroque and Gothic architecture. Who knows how many resources were spent gilding those fucking stupid space cathedrals?
# Use a hive city as a tooth pick.
# Make a new edition of Epic Armageddon.
# Try to domesticate some Tyranids so that we can ride them like war horses or some shit. I don't think it will work (then again the Orks managed to do it) but I just want to see if we can manage it. Besides even if it doesn't work it will probably be a fun experience (assuming nobody gets eaten).
# Crush [[Doomrider]] into a fine powder and snort him.
# Party with [[Pedro Kantor]] and promote him to Imperial Fist primarch.
# Invent a way to make female marines, and give them all to the [[Crimson Fists]] and blood angels. Those poor bastards need it.
## Before that, gather all those who demanded that female space marines should be created and have them explain the concept to the Adepta Sororitas.
## Revive Malcador, then wed him to the most muscled sister I can find. After the honey moon period, ask him what he thinks of the concept of "making them all sisters".
### Legalize polygamy should he still agree.
## Realize that it is rare for women to even try to join the military and that the tests for Space Marines kill all but the strongest and most durable men out of trillions. Oops.
### Send the handful of dead female aspirants (sadly, all of the aspirants) family's an apology letter and some money.
# Introduce the Angry Marines to megaphones.
# Establish the Adeptus Astartes Legions once again and rewrite the Codex Astartes to emphasize tactical and strategic flexibility. Arrange a checks and balances system similar to the [[Iron Hands]] for the purposes of chapter administration. Those who protest this action will be redirected to the complaints department, which happens to be located on my power fist.
# DESIGN AND MAKE NEW SHIT (Mechanicus won't/can't do it, fucking toaster fuckers)
# Give a [[Honey Badger]] power armor and use it as a weapon.
# Name said Honey Badger Chapter Master of the [[Angry Marines]]. They're gonna love it.
# Build a Tank to crush a MOTHERFUCKING BANEBLADE.
# Give it to Yarrick as a present.
# Invent Krak-Grenade Tennis with Thunder Hammers for rackets.
# Invent Krak-Grenade Baseball with Thunder Hammers for bats.
# Invent Krak-Grenade Cricket with Thunder Hammers for bats.
# Invent Krak-Grenade Golf with Thunder Hammers for clubs.
# Beat Da Squig in a Baneblade race.
# Declare Tank Motorsports as an official sport.
# Amass a fleet of a million ships and finish kicking the shit out of everything else in the galaxy.
# Bring back the Enslavers. Then enslave them.
# Make a Baneblade the size of a Emperor Titan.
# Make a Titan the size of a Emperor class battleship.
# Make a Emperor Class battleship the size of a [[World Engine]].
# Help the Necrons to build a World Engine the size of the Eye of Terra.
## Then destroy it. Because I can.
# Steal [[Necron]] starships. Traveling the galaxy without warp drives? Fuck yeah, I want that!
# Learn how to make Tyranid calamari.
# Learn how to make Tyranid Tika Masala.
# Learn how to make Tyranid Sushi.
# Play hide and seek with Sly Marbo and with the Tanith First (and Only) guys. It'll be interesting to see why they can't find the deity of Mankind who wears Golden Power Armour and is over three meters tall.
# Declare Catachan Exploding Turtles (dubbed "Mine Turtles" by the local populace) an endangered species. Seriously, these things explode all over the fucking place.
# Find a way to get a truce with the Eldar and/or Tau Empire, then throw a galaxy and webway-wide party with said allies
# Outlaw the appellations Empy, Emprah, Big E and so on. Not addressing me with my real name is [[Heresy]]!
# Dissolve the Ecclesiarchy. I hate those creepy fucks.
# Ask Officio Assassinorum about drugs they using on Eversors, then start selling it in Commorragh. If you can't defeat them, make money on them, I always say that
# After my Imperial Dealers completely take over the city, have them kick dark eldar as back to hell where they belong.
# Then fill this place with so much sex, drugs and gambling that it will put <s>Las Vegas</s> [[Asdrubael Vect|Dicky Drubby]] to shame.
# And there will be [[Daemonette|daemonettes]] serving drinks, or you can call me "Emprah"
# Open a zoo with [[METAL BOXES|rhinos in metal cages]]. Any visitors will be executed as heretics.
# Encourage creative thinking, like "there is better way to use guardsmen than suicidal wave" or "not everyone is heretic and need to be destroyed" among my forces
# Pay orks to make me another life-sustaining device. As long they believe it works, it works - because it's really piss me off that MOST POWERFUL PSYCHIC in the whole space can't keep himself in shape.
# Hire a squad of orks, then order them to loot vehicles of other races - soon the looted-monoliths and looted-mantas will conquer the world
# Pay a visit to Tau, then show them the meaning of old terran saying "better dead than red". Or blue, in that case. Blue-faced reds are enough blasphemy in MY GALAXY
# Promptly remember that the Soviet Union under Stalin was still more benevolent and just than the Imperium in my millennia long bath room break.
## Then remember that the Imperium before said bathroom break was more prone to exterminatus and mass-slaughter and intense atrocities than the grimderp Imperium.
### Well, shit, that's embarassing.
# Get off the damn throne and find something suitable to wipe my own ass ..... ohh look a Grey Knight.
# Lure every furfag to an unused planet using [[Faptau]] and [[Shlicktau]] as bait, then utilize any form of Exterminatus, thus solving the galaxy-wide furfag problem.
##Not those that make themselves useful.
## They'd fuck the [[Felinids]] anyways.
# Send a whole fucking legion of speesh mareeens to Mars and get them to finally clear out all the rogue robots from thousands of years ago living in the catacombs below Mars.
# Realize my mistakes as a father and further realize that my sons have actual emotions and stabbing them in the back/humiliating them/letting those with obvious problems lead legions of dedicated killers might not have been the best idea so I know what to do when I make Primarch Project, Part two.
# Launch a cross dimensional crusade to destroy all [[chakats|CHAKATS]]!
# [[Doctor Who|Hire the Atraxi to blow up a planet, but only give them 19 minutes to do so.]]
# Steal all of Trazyn's artifacts leaving behind a note with kindest regards.
# ENGAGE HIVE MIND IN PHYSIC DUEL
##USE PHYKER-DESTROYING-FINISHING MOVE. RANGE: GALAXY!
##FIX THE REST OF THE PSYKERS IN THE GALAXY, One Howling was bad enough.
##Re-learn how to spell psyker, and psychic. I invented those words, dammit!
# Beat up Khorne while dressed as Slaanesh.
# Bleach memory of having dressed as Slaanesh from brain.
# Rebuild the Avatar of Khaine from the 2 Bajillion Pieces, then lock him and Slaanesh in a cage. Shatter whoever lives into 4 Bajillion Pieces, and hide the 4 Bajillion Pieces with Creed.
# Challenge a Dreadnought to a fist fight.
# Stand on the bow of a Battle Barge and shout "[[Eye of Terror|Fly me closer]], I want to [[Chaos Gods|hit them]] with my sword!"(Destination:Eye of Terror, Targets:Chaos Gods)
# Throw [[Space Wolves]] an [[Ultramarine]] bone; quality family time.
# Play laser tag with [[Lasgun|flashlights]].
# Bring back [[Konrad Curze]], fix his brain, and then get him to explain what he was rambling on about just before he died.
# Clone [[Judge Dredd]] and use said clones to replace the Adeptus Arbites.
# Create a training system for the Imperial Guard so my citizens are more effective than glorified meat shields.
# Create a Chapter of Space Marines made up of only Pariahs just to troll Tzeentch.
# Give some nice relics to the [[Celestial Lions]] to help them rebuild. Inform Inquisitors that a loyal Space Marines chapter complaining about an Exterminatus after the chapter has taken out the actual heretics is no reason to get all pissy. Send the Inquisitors that got all upset about that into a Ork WAAAGHHH! to look for Ork Snipers.
# Replace the Imperial Guard's vehicles after chassis that weren't considered obsolete by World War II in exchange for stuff that's more functional. Also find out why the hell I thought that was a smart idea in the first place.
# Improve ship design so that time and resources aren't wasted putting details on making the sides of the ship look like cathedrals and including over-sized figureheads that serve no practical use.
# Kill Chuck Norris and disprove all the "facts" about him, they have no place in the Imperial Truth.
## He is too manly to simply be worhshipped as a mere "god". He is Chuck Norris.
# Make the Space Wolves to be accompanied by <s>Sabaton</s> Amon Amarth as they play 24/7.
# Make an ironically underpowered Codex: Matt Ward.
# Rewrite the sisters of battle codex. My bitches need some love.
## And some gigantism fun with their Astartes brothers.
# Build a Fucking anti-grav hammerhead baneblade combo.
# Tell [[Dorn]] and [[Perturabo]] to kiss and make up.
# Get my wallet back from the [[blood magpies]].
# Steal [[Ahriman]]'s library card.
# Bring [[Carron]] back, and lock him in a METAL BAWKS as a prison.
# Go to Mars, punch the Void Dragon back to Terra, teleport to Terra and punch it back to Mars. Afterwards go ask the Mechanicus where's their Machine GabeN.
# make a deal with the Hive Mind to eat everything except the Imperium.
## breed giant carnifex to eat the eye of Terror.
## give the jeanstealer some jeans.
## Preferably from Abercrombie and Fitch
# Get my hands on some Ethereal pheromones, then use them to get the Tau to join the Imperium, just as planned. Then sterilize those weebs as a taste of their own medicine.
# Lead a live re enactment of D-Day using guardsmen and cultists.
# Glue my model of Abaddon's arms on, rip the real Abaddon's arms off and proceed to beat him to death with them.
# Resurrect Horus for round 2 and FUCK HIM UP...... More than last time. Oorah.
# Tell Games Workshop that fucking axes aren't unwieldy! Seriously, how are fucking augmented super humans in fucking powered armor in any way slowed by a slightly heavy fucking stick?!
## I mean all the weight of an axe is focused in a pretty hard to control spot by a kinesthetics standpoint unless you want to break your wrist trying to stop a massive weight moving super fast with a relatively small handle. And with them being Space Marines, their axes are fuck hueg but sure, axes are somehow simpler to wield EVEN THOUGH fantasy and sci-fi axes are some of the most bullshit things to be devised. THIS IS WHY THEY USE SWORDS. Also axes are pretty ineffective against armor compared to hammers. Plus ineffective towards spuishies compared to swords. You only use them as a middle ground. But sure, act like you know all about weapons and nerdrage. Ok.
### Ask the person above how GW's butthole tastes.
# Destroy the metaphorical shark so that no franchise can ever jump it again.
# Throw Michael Grade into a woodchipper. Then have the wood chipper dismantled and melted into slag for getting Michael Grade's filth (I.E, any piece of him) on it.
# Learn [[Doctor Who|the Doctor]]'s real name.
# Catch em all.
# Become the King of Games.
## Including [[FATAL]]
# Rip off a Stompa's "Super Scorcha" and use it to make Tyranid toast. Because i'm just so damn hungry after counting the dead bodies.
# Steal skulls from khorne's throne and taunt an'ggrath with them as I teleport back to terra.
# Go to sleep. What? I'm fucking sleepy and I have not had a descent sleep in ages.
# Drop that hole Latin/High Gothic thingy as an official language, seriously WTF was I thinking when naming Adeptus Mechanicus, Astartes and Astra Militarum.
# Make my own animation studio to make adaptations of [[anime]] based on manga that didn't get finished.
# Use profits as part of my ongoing plan to become majority shareholder of Google.
# Put an end to youtube's copyright policy, then find those asshats that put came up with it and make them eat their own bones.
# Watch TV
# Fuck some shit up
# Fuck some sluts up
# Fuck some ca/tg/girls up
# Firebomb /mlp/ Seriously, I dont fucking care about MLP but that board is pure NOPE.
# Get some 'nids and let them rip those fucking PETA douche bags to fucking mincemeat.
# Fuck some more sluts up. Oh yeah.
# Get some Taco Bell.
# Close McDonalds.
# Open Bembos
# Watch the last airbender (Anime series not the fucking m night shyamalan peice of shit).
# Burn the Legend of Whorra.
# Kill M. Night Shyamalan and piss on his corpse
# Make melta explosives that can be fired from missile launchers, I'm sick of having to always get in the enemy's face to use metla weapons.
# Get the internet to shut up about Call of Duty(this does include any other ones as well),.<s>I'm</s>,(No everyone else with a life) is sick of hearing about it.
# Out tank astra with a rhino, because why not?!
# give orks something that can make a loud noise and can finally do shit.
# Release the Kraken and after it has finished destroying the enemies of Mankind, proceed to turn it into calamari.
# Eat pie, I like pie.
# Check progress on Grey Knight attempts to cross-breed Saiyans and Kryptonians for any females.
## Also progress on capturing/persuading Samus Aran to become a new Primarch for female Space Marines. Twice the (wo)manpower!
# Marry said females, that will scare off that [[Strike Legion|scary Empress bitch]].
# Sort out the contradictions in this list. Thing's a fucking mess.
# Commit fraud.
# Disband the Church of Scientology and send all the criminals in it to Guantanamo for crimes against humanity.
# Defeat the Reapers.
## Hi this is Commander Shepard, and GW is my favorite store on the Citadel.
# Get Kaldor Draigo into an intervention because he's hooked on fucking Warp Dust.
# Light my scented candle collection for proper relaxation.
# Collect all Crux Terminus badges so I can put my Golden Armour back together.
# Come up with the most absurd, annoying, head wrenching question I possibly can.
# Ask it repeatedly to that Zathras tool and laugh as his brain explodes.
# Create a giant can of bug spray and use it on all of the Tyranids
# Make Captain Titus Papa Smurf. We need someone who can make decisions without reading the book Rowboat Girlyman wrote 10,000 years ago.
# Steal the blood ravens
# Everyones mother.
# Track down the Timelord known as the Doctor, shake his hand, break his hand, kick his ass, steal the TARDIS and use it for the betterment of the imperium.
# Do some stretching because 10,000 years will give you such a crick in the neck!
# Resurrect Robin Williams for some decent propaganda.
# Drop kick a Hive Tyrant into the sun.
# Order a pizza, because it's been fucking years since I had take away food.
## Maybe order enough for my Custodes. They need some free time too.
# Find a xenos controlled planet, and bomb the fuck out of the filthy xenos scum! Note to self: Orks are probably easiest.
# Astrally visit other space opera universes to see how they do things, then make fun of them.
## Starting with Space Balls
# Find some more things to do.
# Find a living Astral knight,
# Find a cloning device for said Astral Knight,
# Create a Primarch for Astral Knight 2.0.
# Forgive the people of Krieg of their 1000 year old rebellion and tell them to stop being meatshields. Well, bigger meatshields than the guard usually are.
## They can even feel pride for being decent human beings again!
# Make deep strike safer so we don't have to fucking kill all the terminators
# Shoot whoever started the whole 'maetal bawkses' thing. I mean, Jesus, rhinos are elaborate machinery!
# Tell the Orks they're drunk and should go home.
# After collecting all the crux terminatus pieces, sell them on eBay and give all the money to THQ so they can finally fucking make Dark Millennium Online.
# Make warp dust into a smokable drug.
# Tell the Angry Marines to fuck themselves and thus piss them off even more.
# Make the Imperial Guard useful.
# Kill whoever wrote the last entry for extreme heresy.
# Give Commissar Yarrick better stats.
# Slap each and every [[Blood Angel]] for ever siding with or allowing their Battle-brothers to side with Necrons, at any point.
# Do a Word Bearers with said Blood Angels - in front of Guilliman's <s>preserved</s> body.
# Teach all my children's Legions that I made each of them different for a reason. Inform Ultramarines to "think of the next step" if things don't go as planned but tell them it's nothing personal. <s>Do CPR to Guilliman.</s> Already done.
# Give each guardsmen a pair of brass balls to intimidate their enemies/allies with.
# Trazyn was here.
# kill the idiot that didn't actually contribute and instead just signed his name.
# Eldrad was here too.
# CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDD.
# Find and anally rape <s>a Daemonette</s> Slaanesh.
# Take pictures of Schlicktau and give them to Faptau and Vice-versa
# Put a Giant Fleshlight in to a Emperor class Titan just to have another one fuck it/Fuck it himself
# Have a Ultramarine get lost in it.
# Make everyone look at Daemonette Titties for 1 hour a week.
# Install a Slut dispenser into the Golden Throne.
# Have Ultramarines drink alcohol so they are not so fucking boring. They might not be able to get drunk off of it, but that's what the elephant tranquillizer is for.
# Find out where my [[Sisters of Silence|Bitches of Silence]] went.
## How the fuck did Guilliman get them to come out of hiding.
## Girls love smurfs.
# Find the Sanguinor and beat him in a duel.
# Following my inevitable victory against the Sanguinor, find out who the fuck he is and bitch slap him. If he is Sanguinius he deserved it for not announcing himself for who he is and not fixing my <s>crumbling empi</s> <=HERESY. If he is not Sanguinius he gets another bitch slap for impersonating my second favorite son.
# Set the record straight regarding Ollanius Pius.
# Get Jango Fett to lead storm troopers.
## Clone him
## Use his gene-seed to create an army of Bounty Marines
## Get them to assassinate all the assassins
## Get them to assassinate the Assassino ministorum.
## Make them the new Assassino ministorum.
## Do not let him have a son. I don't want to deal with a Sarlacc pit every few years
# Organize the marriage of Miranda Nero and Captain Titus. If they wanted the plot of Space Marine, those two would've ended up getting married.
# On that note, I should allow Space Marines time to copulate with strong females. Would allow for a greater number of compatible gene seed initiates.
# Canonize Robin Willams [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robin_Williams] as a mother fucking Imperial Saint. Why? Because I like to laugh and he makes me feel good. THAT'S WHY!
# Resurrect [[Lord Solar Macharius]] as he seemed like a pretty competent general as well as a tactical genius.
## And heal his War Wounds so he can be fully badass.
# Play Cards Against Humanity.
# Resurrect those dumbass Inquisitors who started a war with the [[Space Wolves]] and then execute them as example for how fucking stupid they were
# By any means necessary get it into the Inquisition's thick skulls that they were wrong for a starting a war with the Space Wolves and apologize for being heartless dumbshits.
# Get some proper aircraft. We fucking need 'em.
# Change the battle doctrine of the Imperial Guard to rely more on air superiority and less on throwing waves of men and tanks the enemy.
# Cure [[Indrick Boreale]] of his speech impediment (and death).
# Find Vulkan
# Give him a hug and the rest of his Chapter too.
# Troll Trazyn the Infinite and steal his everything.
# Build an army of sexy robot waifus that don't need to carry weapons because they everything the need built into them. If some animes and JRPGs can do it then I can do it better. Also make them all lesbians
# Figure out which branch of the Imperium to put the above army into.
# Convince all orks that I'm the most powerful being in the universe and that I can't be killed.
# Include an online tutorial on Games Workshops' website for each game it sells. If it's good enough for Privateer Press and Fantasy Flight Games it's good enough for us.
# Do away with the practice of separating Terminator Squads between ranged and assault. The Dark Angels made the idea work and Terminators don't carry anything that warrants staying at long range as it is.
# Go back to before the Age of Strife and steal/reclaim all the the lost [[Standard Template Construct| STCs]], and whole Forge Worlds if necessary.
# Mass produce skimmer [[Fellblade| felblades]].
# Destroy all overused [[meme| memes]].
# Help the [[Necrons| 'crons]] reach their apotheosis thing, and then have the Angry Marines Cock nob 'em so they don't fuck with my Imperium.
# Get those two [[Sisters of Battle]] to confess to each other already. Seriously. I'm tired of them acting awkward and shy around each other when they are clearly in love.
# Install a speech device on the golden throne, just incase I need to fix the Imperium's fuckups if i fall asleep on the job again.
# Snort some warp dust.
# Stop the custodians from oiling themselves up and actually do somthing fucking useful
## How did Girlyman get them to do something.
# Give the Ultramarines a new role, as dog sitters for the Space Wolves.
## Correction: The Space Corgis
# Give the Dreadknight pilots a badass helmet or something so snipers don't destroy them
## Fuck, just make them tall Centurions at this point. Would be more effective than the stilts they are now.
# Go into the Rock and either bitchslap Luther or the Lion depending on who the Watchers in the Dark tattle on
# Upgrade all Imperial [[Titans]] so they can fly
# Find out what Watchers in the Dark actually look like under their robes.
# Find out what [[Angels Sanguine]] faces look like under their helmets. Bitch slap them - in the face (if it is actually possible). Every single one of them.
# Resurrect Relic, and ensure that they make the rest of the Space Marine Series, Titus deserves to be a motherfucking Primarch
# Make it imperial law that at least once a year every guardsman in the universe is allowed one free beer for the shit they do, hopefully that should prevent their temptation to go heretic on my arse
# Also, make a chain sword, sword chain to literally whip the imperium back into shape.
# Hold the Primarch of the year awards ceremony again, hopefully Horus can stay away this time.
# Prevent the victory of Chaos in [[The End Times]] so that Games Workshop has to advance the story instead of pulling a shit reboot that changes nothing
## Expect making Ground Marines and changing race names for no reason.
## Fuck you Mannfred.
# <s>Declare non-furry aliens that can interbreed with humans and have fertile off-spring close enough to being humans</s>{{BLAM}}
## So [[Love Can Bloom]] is a thing then. Well then my Webway for Eldar hookers isn't a lost cause then!
# Get better cooperation the Imperial Navy and Imperial Guard. I lose far too many brave gaurdsmen because the navy's incompetence leaves them without air support!
## COMBINED ARMS PEOPLE, THIS IS WHY WE HAVE MANUALS.
# <s>bring back the squats</s>{{BLAM}} {{BLAM|kill ALL the xenos!}}
## And bring the Demiurg too.
# Demote [[Commander Kubrik Chenkov]] because that idiot isn't fit to lead a parade, and put him in some random platoon that's never heard of him where he might actually kill more enemies than guardsmen.
# <s>Grab those Eldar and tau plasma weapons. I am not letting highly explosive weapons to stay in use. Seriously, It is like playing Russian Roulette with a [[Exterminatus]]</s>not needed anymore as the mechanicus had finally repaired it so that said russian roulette will only happen if the user overcharges the gun
## Also, get the laser rifles. NO. MOAAAR. FASHLIGGHTSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!
# Pat the Black Dragons on the back for putting up with all the shit that's thrown at them.
# Buy out Google and enforce Fair Use on Youtube with an iron fist.
# Berate the Adeptus Custodus for not preventing Goge Vandire's rise to power. Lazy fucks being lazy led to the worst thing for mankind since the Horus Heresy.
## Although considering they would much rather oil themselves, I'm guessing Vandire just bribed them with super lubricant.
# Steal a World Engine and start destroying Daemon Worlds with it.
# Have a backup plan for destroying Daemon Worlds if the World Engine can't do that.
# Finally defeat Leman Russ in an eating contest and a drinking contest.
# Find the Black Library and empty its contents. Then wreck it.
# Bring Ahriman to it and then trick him into thinking that the Black Library was just an elaborate hoax to troll him.
# Punish the Grey Knights for turning on the Space Wolves and not chopping the heads off those dumbass Inquisitors who decided the appropriate response to the Space Wolves wanting to spare the survivors of the Armageddon War was to try and kill them.
# Macha. Should. Be. FUCKED.
# Stop this whole "treating beastmen like mutants" thing. I did make them CITIZENS for a reason.
## I mean,they look better than all the gaunt, Necron looking women in the Imperium. I need a release too.
## <s>You know what? Furries are citizens too, so no more of this "furfaggotry" bullshit. I'd like you to show me something that could track a fucking mouse in a blizzard. Other than a space wolf.</s> {{BLAM}} EXTRA FUCKING HERESY YOU FUCKING FURFAG!
## A Felinid. We made them citizens so the others won't have bullshit arguments like this to be welcomed in.
## Bottle said tear, and give it to Girlyman. Then he might actually man up.
# Mix Speed, weed, heroin, cocaine, mushrooms, LSD, tobacco, pine-o-clean, petrol, diesel, battery acid, acid, salvia, some herbs and spices, some lettuce and tomato, some salt and vinegar, noodles, pretzels, pork scratchings, some doner kebab, vodka sauce, tabasco sauce, bam and the dirt is gone, red bull, Coca-Cola, Ajax spray and wipe, liquid hydrogen, protein shakes, some chicken and cheese, hash browns, jalapeno peppers, curry and wrap it all in a tortilla.
## Eat it.
## Make Leman Russ eat it.
## Make the hive mind eat it.
## Make Doomrider eat it. Laugh as his lightweight head explodes.
# Schola Progenium harem anime
## Starring [[Lucius the Eternal]]
# Visit that planet where I keep all of my pets. THEY BUILT A CITY!?
# Rematch the Void Dragon at that fight. Have the mechanicus duff all the others up.
# Get the mechanicus to make me an amp and a massive fucking pair of speakers, then attach them to a Baneblade, then plug in my holy guitar and shred so hard I make the Ordinatus Mars look like a disappointing fart.
# Bring back Warhammer Fantasy.
# Bring Horus back to life and kill him again.
# Find Mortarion and give him a bath.
# Find where those 100 Baneblades went...
# Have AdMec convert an Imperator Titan into my new power armor.
# Release an edict as to which order the gifts go in the song "The Twelve days of the feast of My ascension".
# Get Games Workshops to put free digital copies of all out of date codexes and army books on their website so fans of old books can still read them.
# Drain Khorn's blood lake, then eat his khorn flakes while watching sitting in his throne and watching something noblebright.
# Give Nurgle's garden a good spring cleaning, then perma-pork Isha.
# Delete Slaanesh's porn collection, then replace her crack with sugar.
## Also, create a extra strength anti-viagra and mix it in with the sugar.
## And whatever is the opposite of laxatives and mix that in with the sugar too.
# Ghostbust Tzeench's tower, then [[Blood Ravens|steal]] his change.
# If I have time, kill Khorn with kindness, kill Slaanesh with boredom, kill Nurgle with Mr. Clean, and kill Tzeench with Warhammer 40k's plot progression.
# Housebreak the [[Space Wolves|space corgis]].
# Make carnifex choke on a [[Ultramarines|smurf]] see what color it turns.
# Make a Warhammer fighting game
# Punch [[Lorgar]] in the face.
## Make him fuck the Lectio Divinitatus with sandpaper pages.
# <s>Punch the fucker who Blam'd me when I made numbers 441 and 443</s>{{BLAM}}
# {{BLAM}} a commissar cause it'll be funny
# Steal one of those [[Necron]] pylons and put them on Terra so that I no longer have to keep trying to not let it become a new Eye of Terror.
# <s>Make skub usage mandatory for all guardsmen</s>{{BLAM}}
# Catch all the C'tan shards and become the very best, the best that ever was.
# Give the Orks their home-world back. Those damn toaster fuckers on mars had no right to teleport it away and it turn it into Armageddon.
# Walk into [[Commorragh]], out troll and out dick [[Asdrubael Vect]], then bitch slap him to death in front of everyone in Commorragh.
## Then fuck [[Lelith Hesperax]] to death before I leave.
# Point out to AdMec that their statement that all technology already exists logically renders innovation impossible, as any attempt would only reproduce something that already exits. Secondly, some STC technology would be otherwise lost permanently. How's that for Divine Inspiration from the Omnissiah.
# Keep sending [[Kor'Sarro Khan]] to fight the Space Communists.
## <s>make sure he and Shadowsun get it on.</s>{{BLAM}} {{BLAM|Heresy!}}
## PROFIT.
# Kill all the Inquisitors who think it's a good idea to kill all [[Astropath|Astropaths]] and [[Navigator|Navigators]] (who we need to stop the Imperium falling apart), and [[Space Marines]] (because they are fucking awesome)
# Kill all the Inquisitors who thought that me dying and reincarnating into someone else was a good idea.
# Build a gun with enough [[Dakka]].
## Show it to the Orks.
## Let them fire at me til they run out of ammo.
## Laugh
## Show the Orks a gun with more than enough Dakka, and blast the shit out of them.
# Kill [[Lucius|Lucius the Eternal]] for good, as he can't possess me.
## Then resurrect everyone who got possessed, kill any Xenos and Chaos Worshippers who killed him, and bro fist anyone from the Imperium who killed him for being able to kill him.
# Dance, just do a little dance, I was stuck in a chair for 10000 years, it would feel good to move.
# Give the Lamenters a hug, they need it.
# Find out what the Blood R- chapter is from the bananastodes.
## And play the holo-game Dawn of War. I hear it's worth playing.
# Play Stellaris as Xenophobic/Militant Humans to see what the Great Crusade could have been.
# Make a Primarch out of the Commander of X-COM because he is far more competent than anyone in the Imperium.
# Attend Angelos' and Macha's wedding.
## And them promptly allow Eldrad to fuck shit up.
# Give my Caretaker Kitten pay since he doesn't get any
## Then send him to get tea
## And Carnifex crumpets
# Keep an eye on Rowboat Girlyman's waifu.
## Fuck, how many Primarchs, Space Marines, and Chapter masters have girlfriends now? Even if there isn't an actual connection?
## Keep an eye on the shippers.
### But don't read the fanfics.
# Cut off Faptau and Shlichtau hands.
# Eat a meatbread
# Rub some skrub on me bones, yarr.
# Work out that crick in my lower back.
# Go to Emprah Burger and get an Empy meal.
# Go back in time to finish the webway project and get Eldar prostitutes for myself and my sons. That should stop them from bitching constantly.
# Punch all the [[Marines Malevolent]] for being such dicks.
# Thank the [[Lamenters]] for getting shit done.
# Bitch-slap Guilliman for being a douchebag smurf.
# Bitch-slap the rest of the Ultratwats.
# Have my daily time with adorable centurion.
# Yell at the Inquisition and Grey Knights for thinking the Dark Angels are heretics.
# Officially rename the Primaris Primarysues.
# Drink ten pots of esspresso. Seriously, sitting stationary for about eleven millenia makes you need energy.
# Convince Ynnead to bring Sanguinius back to life. Then make him lord-commander of the Imperium.
# Make the battle cry of all gaurdsmen under twenty to be "For de Imperwium, oh fuck I dwopped my bwanket".
# Congratulate [[Dante]]
# Find out if Dante is who [[Sanguinius]] was talking about in his scrolls.
# Go get Magnymagic.
## Then screw him over in a game of Magic The Gathering with a mono-green deck.
## Subsequently keep screwing him over by psychically rigging every game.
# Find our who the fuck let Goge Vandire rule the Imperium and dickslap them.
# put a warp drive into a rhino and fly into the eye of terror, screaming MEATLE BAWKSERS because why the fuck not.
# Make Sly Marbo the ruler of the imperium because I need to catch up on shit that I missed while sitting on a motherfucking mechanical toilet for the the 10,000 fucking years!
# Tell mortaring to have a bath.
# Tell Abaddon to Grow a pair (of arms).
# Decide if traps are gay or not.
# Go digging through the ruins of Old Earth and find some tank designs from late M2/early M3.
# Figure out if Sly Marbo can talk.
## Or make any vocalizations other than "AAAAAAAAA," for that matter.
# I don't know, maybe get some tacos again
# Read this big fuck off list.
# Remove the numbers from the list, because it is supposed to be in no particular order
# Find the surviving Flame Falcons and help them rebuild. Then mind-fuck the inquisitor who declared them traitors.
# Steal a spacehulk, then take said spacehulk and pimp the fuck out of it.
## And after that is done, ram it in to that shit hole commorragh.
## But make sure to steal the drugs first before i do that.
# Assign entire regiments worth of sisters to every veteran regiment in the empire, those guardsmen need some lovin, and fire support.
## Name said sisters "whores of battle" and make them wear white robes, all for morale of course totally not to start filiming some hot guard on sister action.
### Which has nothing to do with sending a bunch of men-starved women to fight beside ''the'' most manly, courageous, manly, hardcore manly badasses in all of human existence.
# Figure out how to reverse entropy.
# Resurrect lieutenant Kage and bitch slap the daemon out of him, Then put him under Colonel Schaeffer again he's still got a Me damned job to do, Kage had figured it all out in the end also Resurrect lorii and make her a sister of battle.
# Carve a dick onto Guilliman's Helmet.
# Give Archmagos Cawl Tenure for actually being intelligent enough to improve the astartes design.
# Make an extermination service for Tyranids.
# Turn every First Founding chapter into a legion again.
# Simultaneously whip and nae nae
#Challenge Gork and Mork to a boxing match
#Catch up on some reading
#Resurrect Father Uriah and admit that I was a bit of a dick. Unless he has gotten up to some chaosy bullshit in the past 10,500 years, have a theology discussion with him after all we've both learned and see if he might make a better Ecclesiarch than the current bunch.
#find my power claw, and use it to fight yarrick in a one on one claw battle
##and after that resurrect fucking horus for a rematch
#make a search engine for this fucking list, because god damn is this shit long! How the fuck am I suppose to know what has and Hasin't been written down?!?!
#N.B: Find out what happened to my massive, uber awesome, Imperator Sonninum flagship. It is essential for the Great Crusade to begin anew
#Get therapy for my multiple personality disorder that is obviously the cause of the countless contradictions in this list
#Teach the [[Black Templars]] to not going around killing psykers, because the Imperium needs those to function.
##Make a point of emphasizing that other mutants are also not to be killed, unless they are traitors. Being a mutant doesn't count as treason.
#make the imperial palace daemon proof
##look, this isn't what he said (I'm but a lowly custodian), BUT COME ON! Do you know how hard it is to write down this FUCKING arse list while also protecting the emperor from, oh it don't know, daemons, crazed religious nutters, the occasional savage ork infestation of the lower levels, retired tech priests, and don't get me stated on those trice damned inquisitors who think the inter galaxy revolves around them! So in conclusion, fuck daemons, fuck nutters, fuck orks, fuck edgy tech nerds, and trice fuck inquisitors. Thank you.
#Outslap [[Marneus Calgar]]
#Put a limiter on [[Jaghatai Khan's]] gearbox to teach him the virtue of patience and show him what it feels like to try and drive anywhere on Terra (slow as fuck).
#Make sure evey single person in the Imperium knows about the [[Gray Knights]] and all they did in the past, that will teach them to kill loyal guardsmen for knowing of their existence.
##Then laugh as the [[Gray Knights]] slaughter thousands, thus making them more infamous.
#learn how to make attack helicopters, and no it's not so I can identify as one.
##Have all commissars shot guardsmen on site who honestly identify as an attack helicopter.
#Give Belisarius Cawl a promotion and a pat on the back for doing what the mechanicum is actually supposed to do.
#Eat some steak because I don’t want to just eat fucking comfort food and Carnifexes.
##See if cows still exist, along with pigs because bacon.
#Resurrect Elon Musk and make him Fabricator General of Mars.
#Have masterkey shotguns and M203 Grenade Launchers be standard issue for all lasguns. The Astra Militarum needs some fucking tactical flexibility.
##Give guardsmen sidearms because officers and Commissars shouldn’t be the only ones to have sidearms.
#Shove Erebus up Lorgar’s ass.
#Make those lore-video makers on YouTube be the official archivists of the Administratum. Maybe then the record keeping in the Imperium wouldn’t be so fucking spotty.
#Invite my sons over for a family dinner...may get a bit awkward between a few of them and I will need to prepare for a few holes in the wall, bolter rounds flying, chaos demons, angry Space Marines, and Vulkan bringing his jello mold he dyed [[Salamanders]] green.
#Give magnus a hug and tell him, he was a terrible son
#get 3 full legendary sets in warhammer 40k space wolf.
#play some Dawn of war 3
#Fuck everyone in the hole universe, so slanesh gets so strong that he destroys all other chaos Gods.
##????
###HOLY SHIT WHAT IS YODA DOING HERE!!!
####????????????????????????
#####VERY, VERY, VERY MUCH PROFIT
######??????????
#######?????????????????
########nope.
#Make a giant, universe - wide orgy.
#Forgive all my sons or create new sons so that I may recreate my Grand Crusade
##Make myself a god that I may stop the spread of Chaos, by becoing Chaos.
#Somehow create warpstorms inside the warp.
#Beat Nurgle in a Chilli Cook Off
##Hope he does just kill the judges
###Free the Eldar God from his Garden
####Bang Eldar God I freed from Nurgle's Garden

== Gathering Storm Special List ==
Holy shit, [[Games Workshop]] are actually doing some plot development for 40k. Okay, I'll make a special list just for anything that happens there.

# Get [[Ynnead]] to wake up fully so I have someone new to bitch-slap, but let him screw over [[Slaanesh]] first if I haven't already done it, as my time is to important to waste. Besides, the [[Eldar]] created Slaanesh, so let's give them a chance to sort it out.
## Actually make a deal with him, resurrect me or people I like if I need it (or can't be bothered to do it myself) and I won't bitchslap you.
# So [[Roboute Guilliman]] and some dude named [[Belisarius Cawl]] are creating some [[Primaris Marines|Neo-Space Marines]]. Okay, I'll see what they come up with, then make something even better.
## And definitely think of a better name than Primaris Marines.
###And tell Cawl to stop naming things after himself.
## And while I'm at it, make a super version of the Custodes, and give them even more bling.
# The [[Imperium]] has been cut in half by a massive warp storm. Okay, now I'm really pissed off. I am so going to close this.
## And the [[Eye of Terror]] has gotten bigger and enveloped Cadia. This both pisses me off and makes several points on the main list harder.
# So now [[Armageddon]] has been assaulted by a fuckton of [[Khorne]] [[daemons]]. I do hope the [[Orks]] and daemons kill each other, because it will be a pain in the ass for me to sort out.
# So [[Imotekh the Stormlord|Imotekh the Stormlord's]] empire just got a whole lot bigger, huh. Well at least the [[Tau]] has something new to fight. And the rest of them better not try anything with me, or I'll bitchslap them to death.
## And they won't be reanimating from that.
# Xenos are taking a back seat, and the focus is on the Imperium vs Chaos. Okay, I'm cool with that. Chaos really pisses me off.
## But I'm still gonna fuck over any xeno that pisses me off.
# Now that stats go above 10, I'm going to make a gun with Strength that's over 9000.
## My dick's Strength is over 9000. Just sayin.
# Set the Damocles Gulf back of fire. That was fucking awesome.
# Bitchslap the Tau's Fifth Sphere Expansion. I don't like those blue skinned motherfuckers.
## If possible, team up with the Farsight Enclaves to bitch slap the rest of the Tau.
#Four new Hive Fleets has appeared. But one of them is eating the others. Okay, see who wins, then stomp the survivors to death.
# Wait, is there really a chance the [[Sanguinius]] will return. Well if he does I'll make him tell me where he's been and what's he been up to for the past 10,000 years, on pain of bitchslapping.
## Same goes for any of the [[Primarchs]] that return.
#So [[Nurgle]] thinks he can take [[Ultramar]] for himself. Not cool. I'll going to punch the shit off him, the beat the crap out of him.
#[[Tzeentch]] is messing things up as well. I wonder, should I beat him intellectually or physically.
##Maybe punch him in the face then steal his books? He is a massive fucking nerd after all.
#How did [[Khorne]] attack [[Terra]]. He attacked my pad. As soon as I can, I'm going to find him, outrage him, then kick him in the balls so hard they explode.
##Also steal his throne.
##Then have the throne converted into golden skull decor for shits and giggles.
#Tell the AdMech that it time to start using some innovation. And reveal what secrets they've been keeping.

#Make the watchers in the dark imperial citizens in know I sanction there xeno race more than 10,000 years ago and there still keeping up a good fight
Give the surviveing men of iron a pardon produce them in limited quantities of them for the navy so we don,t use more survitors or poor indentured people from serving on navy ships instead make the, crew men and build more ships so we can solve a man power crisis will only convert people to survitors that actually deserve it.
# Instead of legion thing I’ll just do a bragged of five chapters each because supreme smurf does have a point.

# tell the imperal commanders and Guilliman wait to go for finely giving my guardsmen air support by giving the guard air support under there control
#make alternatives for Titans for the guard to use know just the thing mobile suits from a thing I watch
#make sure all guardsmen get even better equipmen
# give Koorland slaughter a eulogy fitting of his awesomeness beacuse that guy was a real life action hero and probably one greatest of them all and build a statue and also while I’m add it add and imperium hall of fame yeah that would be awesome and a lot of people deserve it

Iron Hands

2020-04-05T01:59:24Z

2601:443:47F:3CA0:3D89:95D9:8FA4:EBE8: /* Daily Rituals */

{{Infobox Spess Mahreen Chapter
|Name = Iron Hands
|Heraldry = [[Image:Iron_Hands_Livery.jpg|center|140px]]
|Battle Cry = The Flesh Is Weak! ("Iron Prevails!" is sometimes chanted after)
|Number = X
|Founding = [[First Founding]]
|Original Name = Stormwalkers
|Successor Chapters = [[Brazen Claws]], [[Iron Lords]], [[Red Talons]], [[Sons of Medusa]], [[Steel Confessors]]
|Chapter Master = [[Kardan Stronos]]/The Great Clan Council
|Primarch = [[Ferrus Manus]] the Gorgon
|Homeworld = [[Medusa]]
|Specialty = Bionics, mechanized warfare, and being assholes
|Strength = 1000 Marines
|Allegiance = [[Imperium]]
|Colours = Black and White
}}

{{Topquote|With steel we are stronger, but without a soul we are nothing.|[[Kardan Stronos]]}}

{{Topquote|Flesh withers, but iron serves eternal!|A variation of their original battle cry}}

The '''Iron Hands''' were the X Legion of the [[Space Marines]] during the [[Great Crusade]] and the [[Horus Heresy]]. Their [[Primarch]] was [[Ferrus Manus]]. It's subtler than [[Space Wolves|GW's]] [[White Scars|usual]], but they have a strong resemblance to the Scottish, what with their Clans, gruff demeanor, undeniable backbone, expertise in technology, and tendency to lose despite their badassery - In fact, the 8.5 Supplement mentions the first stock of the X Legion hailing from the region known as "Old Albia". Their names come from a different country of clannish highland badasses, namely Afghanistan. Also, the Iron Hands are masters of mechanised warfare, boasting a great deal of tanks, aircraft and Dreadnoughts. They're basically the best armourmasters amongst the Space Marines, and are adept at both out-manuvering and out-playing their foes when it comes to land warfare. If you want really good vehicles as LSM, Iron Hands are really the way to go, especially given that they now get some fantastic rules due to the new rules for Space Marines.

==History==
[[File:Iron Hands Space Marine.jpeg|thumb|left|An Iron Hands Space Marine. Notice the iron hands of this Iron Hands.]]
===Past and Present===
The '''Iron Hands''' are, like most of their fellow chapters who originated from the first founding, completely bat shit crazy. The chapter worships their ancient Father who got a bad case of worms and ended up with silver metal-coated hands (sounds a bit like the 18th century method of using mercury to cure Syphilis) and subsequently now believe that flesh is weak and as a result the marines try to copy their Primarch and replace their body parts with machinery and cybernetic implants (right down to emotion inhibitors post-Heresy), which Ferrus himself was actually against, believing that they should trust in the strength of their flesh rather than attempting to improve upon the Emperor's work. This is all part of an undoubtedly Freudian complex brought about by the loss of their primarch during the Drop Site Massacre on Isstvan V. Of course, the chapter decided to blame everyone, '''especially''' the [[Emperor's Children|legion]] whose [[Fulgrim|primarch]] shortened [[Ferrus Manus]] by a head at neck level. Incidentally, this also includes '''Ferrus himself''', as they came to the conclusion that it was their Primarch's own failure to control his emotions that led to the series of tactical blunders which culminated in his death (even though he didn't make tactical blunders and died because of betrayal, but the Iron Hands have a hard-on (pun!) for the blame-game). In order to prevent this from repeating, the surviving captains (with possible meddling by the Mechanicus) enacted ''"The Tempering"'', which saw the Iron Hands purge and repress their emotions in order to better emulate cold, logical machines.

In spite of all this weirdness and being part of the [[First Founding]], the Iron Hands remain one of the most forgettable Chapters among [[Games Workshop]] and the fandom at large. Seriously, [[Feral World Religion|even /tg/ forgets about them half the time.]] The only chapter who has it worse are the [[Raven Guard]], barring [[Kayvaan Shrike]]. To add self mutilation and cybernetic enhancement (insult) to injury, those who do remember them often get confused with the [[Iron Warriors]], and these people are worse than heretics because at least a Heretic knows the difference between "corn" and "Khorne", but the term Iron seems to confuse many. Leading to much fuck'tardery comments like "Iron Within, Iron Without", these people are total bell-ends and deserve to be scorned (Or would that be, sKhorned?). With the publication of the ''[[Horus Heresy]]'' books the powers that be have finally begun to remember that the Iron Hands were one of the original Space Marine Legions, but aside from their Primarch in resin courtesy of [[Forge World]] they've been graced with only two other named characters But Iron Hands don't care cause they are too busy kicking arse, taking names and getting shit done. That said, they really are the Emperor's Tin Men in every sense of the word. In 7th they got their own codex supplement (providing the world at large with a [[Chapter Master Smashfucker|certain slightly competitive character]]) which made them astartes army of the week, but in 8th they got back to their usual niche, causing the tournament players to shelve them again. With Deathwatch having no unit entry for Killteam Cassius any more, the Iron Hands are left with only one named character, a Primaris Marine named Iron Father Ferrios. Damn Ultrasmurfs and the fan wank they get.....

'''Alternative View''': The Iron Hands are the best examples of humans during grief. They feel horrible shame as a result of their Primarch's death, and so act like, and actually become, machines in order to not repeat an error they saw in themselves. They feel so horribly, bitterly afraid to fail again, that they take every precaution against failure. It is in this grief that ironically, they show feeling. It is a shame /tg/ forgets about them, because a philosophical analysis of these warriors actually reveals quite a bit about human nature during tragedy.

===The Moirae Scism===
After the Emperor's <s>death</s> glorious ascent to the Golden Throne, there was a bit of debate as to whether He was the Omnissiah or not and, if he was, in what capacity. Tech-priests of the Forge World Moirae found one unique answer, when they detected an anomaly in some Empyrean frequencies that seemed related to the Golden Throne. After extended analysis, they somehow turned this anomaly into a formula which allegedly predicted the future—the endgame of which was a new understanding of the Emperor in his aspect of the Omnissiah that would unite the Ecclesiarchy and the Mechanicum, and usher in a new golden age of the Imperium.

Needless to say, this [[Skub|deeply pissed off]] the leadership of both organizations. However, either the creed or it’s alleged evidence proved extremely compelling, and the Moirae heresy spread like wildfire through Mechanicum data nets and the Ecclesiarchal flock. This nearly lead to a full blown civil war, and, in the end, the Forge World of Moirae was subject to Exterminatus, and the schismatics either burned for heresy or forced to repent, while the only surviving copy of their dogma and prophecies was buried in an Inquisitorial vault.

Rather than debate it among themselves, the Iron Hands chose to glare angrily at one another until the Admech were done fighting and debating it out. The group of Hands in the minority became the [[Sons of Medusa]] and formed their own chapter, which moved into the still-smoking ruin of Moirae as their new home world. Despite the extreme levels of [[heresy]], everyone kept a level head and remained (relatively—there was a touch of shooting) civil. Which is a bit unnatural for 40k, honestly, and just shows how few fucks these guys have to give.

[[Grimdark|Of course]], as it later turned out, the prophecies made by the Moirae heretics included both the formation of the Great Rift and the return of Guilliman, implying that everything they were saying was totally right.

===The Gaudinian Heresy and its results (aka: Character Assassination)===
This needs some serious editing.
This event appeared in the ''Clan Raukaan'' supplement and it was meant as a form of character development for the whole chapter. To understand it further one should look at one of the people that was part of it.

Iron Father Kristos of the Iron Hands was an individual that would be described as questionable in many ways. An individual that was adherent to the extreme to the Tempering, Kristos was known as a legendary leader of the Iron Hands, and was baited by Iron Father Feirros to take charge of Clan Raukaan after the company suffered greatly in the Skarvus Ambush and lead it to victory. Under his command the clan managed to even retreat against the Eldar on the Garden World of Dawnbreak, going directly for the main force around an excavation site the Eldar occupied and taking it, while ignoring the [[Catachan Jungle Fighters|Catachans]] and civilians the Eldar were butchering (not to mention telling the General to fight on and prove his worth while he was running away like a bitch).

The questionable part with him was about the controversy around the battle for the Forge World of Columnus against the [[Orks|Weirdwaaagh!]] where the Iron Council accused him of deliberately sacrificing a company's worth of [[Raven Guard]] marines to achieve victory, which in all fairness, he did do. It was all done in such a way that many in the council accused him of not doing it out of standard cold logic and pragmatism, but personal feelings and a hidden agenda, which was also true as not only did he refuse to assist them in any way, (or accept their assistance) he also blocked their communications which left them stranded and dying while he watched. However, Kristos had himself a cult of personality that couldn't find anything on the Iron Father and found him and his supporters (the Kristosian Conclave) unapologetic despite protests from Captain Verox, Iron Father Marrus and the then young [[Kardan Stronos]]. This would result in the chapter being divided over their philosophy as the whole investigation ended into a revision of the Tempering. That would prove a load of horrible problems later on, only to reach its conclusion during the Gaudinian Heresy.

The Sapphire King, a Slaaneshi daemon [[FAIL|formed out of Ferrus' rage and frustration at the time of his death]] and which fed on the repressed emotions and shed humanity of the soul-scarred Iron Hands, saw them ripe for corruption and set a trap on the planet of Gaudinia Prime in the Gaudinia system, [[Soul Drinkers|because that always works so well.]] The Iron Hands sniffed out the heresy at the beginning of the 41st Millennium and Iron Father Kristos (still stinking after the Kristosian Conclave) led 8/10th of the Chapter to fight on the planet while exterminating mutants and heretics on the other planets. The Emperor's Children were supposedly only on Gaudinia Prime, and to the Iron Hands' surprise, there was absolutely nobody on the planet, not even a single gaudily-painted [[Noise Marine]]. However, scans showed that large amount of bio-signatures were concentrated in the planet's southern hemisphere in the factoria complexes. Kristos took with himself both Clans Raukaan and Sorgoll and waltzed into the area despite the Iron Fathers Stronos and Verrox protesting the action.

Down there he found one billion of Imperial citizens fused into some scary techno-organic construct with the machinery. Bloated human torsos made into boilers, screaming as steaming blood vented from their eyes. Daemon weapons were churned out on fleshy conveyor belts by the motion of a million tongues. The marines moved on while Kristos was bewitched by the whole thing. At that moment, Kristos rammed one of his mechadendrites into the fleshy thing (because why not) and transformed into a cybernetic version of [[Chaos Spawn|that whose name shouldn't be called out-loud]] along with the rest of the Kristosians, and those who didn't were torn apart (among them Kristos's closest ally, Captain Graevaar). Tears into reality were opening and Slaaneshi daemons were appearing en-masses and the Sapphire King himself appeared through a rift along with his Emperor's Children retinue. What later happened was a battle mixed with madness as Iron Hands had to fight against their corrupt brethren, the daemons, and chaos marines.

While the battle raged like insane, more and more Iron Hands were succumbing to the warping effects that turned the Kristosians into what they became, while others didn't succumb. Through the power of lazy writing, Stronos quickly realized what was happening. He activated his vox and barked orders to the marines to deactivate their emotion inhibitors. In that moment the Iron Hands exploded with emotions that they repressed for ten thousand years. It was so powerful even [[Khorne]] felt it at the back of his skull, and could be viewed a really stupid move as daemons are supposed to be powered by raw emotion, and this should have made them a lot harder to kill. Filled with [[Plot Armor|sheer rage and true determination]], the Iron Hands [[RIP AND TEAR|RIPPED AND TORE]] their way through their corrupted brethren, the daemons and Emperor's Children towards the Sapphire King. Stronos slew the thing that was once Kristos while the [[Librarian]] Epistolary Lydriik beheaded the Sapphire King himself with the Mindforge Stave so hard that, [[derp|combined with being deprived of the repressed emotions that were now free]], the daemon was permanently killed for good. After wiping out the chaos forces, the remaining Iron Hands, disgusted and horrified with what they experienced, skedaddled back to their fleet and [[Exterminatus|blew the factoria to kingdom come]] in order to wipe out any survivors left.

After the whole thing, it was discovered that 1/3rd of the council was either dead or corrupted. If the Inquisition knew what happened to them, then the consequences would've been fatal for the sons of Manus. The Kristosians took the whole thing with the Tempering way too literally (as in completely cutting off their emotions and replacing them with cold logic), and this obsession with purging themselves of their emotions, a core tenet of theirs, was what would be the chapter's undoing, according to the author. Ironically every failing that had to do with this whole incident was directly related to getting too emotional and not from lacking emotions. In an emergency session the council babbled and argued about how the chapter should function. At this point Stronos unplugged himself while rising from his throne and, in his natural voice, spoke that the chapter was given a gift: [[AWESOME|''"With steel we are stronger, but without a soul we are nothing."'']] Words that would be eternally immortalized all over the chapter's Ironglass plaques on Medusa and beyond. It was also the first time in ten millennia that the sound of applause would be heard on Medusa. And that's something...

On that day Kardan Stronos became [[Chapter Master Smashfucker]] (and would be re-elected at every single opportunity by the council) despite the disquiet of the few remaining Kristosians (aka older Iron Hands players) that somehow survived the situation and the Voice of Mars (the seat the AdMech were retconned into having on the council so that they could manipulate the chapter), yet even with what he said it wouldn't reverse ten millenia of indoctrination. It would be a long and difficult period for the sons of the Gorgon, but it was indeed a new beginning for the chapter.

The Gaudinian Heresy wasn't an immediate character shift for the chapter, and was arguably forgotten about. The Iron Hands are still angry cyborgs operating on cold calculation. Yet the council saw the Imperium plunging into darkness and their former allies falling to madness and corruption. Thus the Grand Calculation set forth to determine where they would serve best, and their successor chapters would also be included into the equation.

There is still some hope for the Iron Hands even if Stronos bites it. [[Star Wars|An Iron Hands pilot found better performance from his craft's machine spirit once he eased off with brute logic and started ''feeling'' it a bit more.]]

===13th Black Crusade and the Great Rift/8th Edition===

The Iron Hands are no longer sacrificing their allies for total pragmatism or out of past grievances but trying to change their habits. Under Stronos, they have saved the Imperial Guard on a number of occasions.

Medusa was invaded twice, first by a large tank division of Traitor Guardsmen and later by a coalition of Nurgle-worshipping Chaos Astartes. As they were facing a chapter which excels in mechanized warfare and are living in what we can shortly describe as mobile fortress-cities bristling with guns and angry superhuman cyborgs: all of them failed. After they got their affairs in order, they decided to assist in the Mordian system, slowly being overrun by loosed traitors and assorted heretics (Is that what we're calling daemonic invasions these days? It was daemons). Though the Imperial forces stationed there were starting to retreat, the Iron Hands managed to turn things around and salvage the planet of [[Mordian Iron Guard|Mordian]] with help from their renowned regiment. This served to rouse their successor chapters (even those weird Sons of Medusa lads) as well as a couple other chapters to join cause and clean out the system. The Eldar had shown up before the Iron Hands and told the Mordians to evacuate as the planet was lost. As usual, human badassery proved the Spelfdar wrong. Stoopid spelves. Maybe if they'd gotten off their prissy asses and shot some daemons, Mordian would've been just fine before the Iron Hands showed up to kick ass.

==Organisation==
The chapter itself is ruled by the Great Clan Council, composed up of 10 seats, each representing one of the ten clans (the Iron Hand equivalent of a company). The clans themselves are all highly autonomous and are nomadic, travelling across Medusa in mobile fortresses and represent the original ten clans that founded Medusa. Each clan nominates a notable warrior to nominate as "Iron Father" represent them at the Great Clan Council and together, the ten warriors get into all sorts of [[A Game of Pretend|debates and political shenanigans]]. The logic behind this is that with no central leadership role, the chapter cannot be lead astray like so many others have and if that central leadership dies, the rest of the chapter won't fall into disarray. This immediately makes the Iron Hands smarter then the rest of the fucking [[Warhammer 40,000]] universe because they're smart enough to realise that having everyone led by a de facto dictator was a pretty retarded idea. Then again, they also believe that replacing their dicks with drills is the best fucking idea in the world, so I suppose your mileage may vary. (And the fact that /tg/ considers this sort of setup as fucking ridiculous based on [[Codex Astartes|where the suggestion comes from]], so again, your mileage may vary.)

That said, they do have a kinda chapter master. When something major happens that affects the whole chapter, the council elects one of their members best suited for their current state (the real life citation was the old republicof rome, who elected for a short time a rightful and strong man as dictator until the emergency was resolved). For example, if they're fighting orks the one who has the most experience fighting them will lead the chapter, and once done he will step down. This makes him more of a Chapter President really with checks and balances, the chapter master checks the council from getting caught up in red tape and the council makes sure he doesn't lead the chapter astray.

Organisation and doctrine wise, the chapter follows the basic idea of the [[Codex Astartes]], while changing all the bits they don't like or cannot follow due to the heavy losses/destruction of equipment at Isstvan V (yup 10,000 years later and the Departmento Mmunitorum has not yet resupplied them, fucking REMF's). Each company is called a "Clan" and there isn't a specific company for Scouts; instead each Clan recruits their own Neophytes...until 7th Edition just effectively undid that and let the Tenth Clan-Company return to Scouts and Vanguards. Once the recruit is indoctrinated, his left hand is replaced with a cybernetic replacement. The 8.5E supplement does note curiosity that the Tenth doesn't subscribe entirely to the clannish behavior of the rest of the chapter, as all marines will possess at least one piece of tech from them (a vertebra, first of hopefully many that also acts as a supplement of a traditional chapter's service studs, as each vertebra will denote a decade of service to a particular clan), though those who hail from the Tenth Company do remain as Scout Sergeants and Vanguards.

As an Iron Hand serves his Chapter he gets more and more augmented: appendages, limbs, organs; the whole shebang until the Marine is little more than a brain in a shell. There are also rumours that dead warriors are instead replaced with automatons rather then new Neophytes - Something not entirely false as augmetics have been harvested and handed down to future generations and the chapter is very rigorous about the indoctrination via uploads as well as emotional suppressors. Because of their extensive augmentation the Iron Hands are amongst the strongest Space Marines: strong enough to dual-wield weapons that regular Space Marines would need both hands for like the [[Melta|Multi-Melta]]. Due to the destruction of equipment at the Drop Site Massacre, the chapter lacks in Terminator armour. However veterans are often given suits of Terminator armour and placed in charge of leading squads, called "Klaven", of Tactical Marines, who see the suits [[Pauldrons|giant pauldrons]] as inspirational. Which means that the Iron Hands ''do'' have at least one hundred suits of Terminator armor because one hundred squads in the Chapter = one hundred squad leaders = one hundred suits of Terminator armor (which each Chapter is meant to have). In fact, they have '''more''' than one hundred suits of Terminator armor as their Helfathers operate in groups as honor guards and they are equipped with Terminator armor. Additionally, Dreadnought chassis are highly revered and sought after pieces of equipment, and being entombed within a Dreadnought is the considered the best fate possible for an Iron Hands Marine. Finally, due to their shared love of machines the Iron Hands and [[Adeptus Mechanicus]] are pretty much bros 4 lyfe, with much Bromance and fist bumping. ''10011001010111001001110011001000000011010001101100011110010110011001100101001000000011110000110011- Mhu Rho 6''
[[File:Iron_Dakka.jpg|300px|thumb|left|The Iron Hands are the most gritty of the First Founders. You could even call it... True Grit. Also, yes that guy is dual wielding Boltguns, which would be extremely inaccurate if the firer in question did not have a pair of metal arms and a bionic face that compensated for that]]

In combat they are utterly unforgiving and relentless, hate [[Daemon|Daemons]] and the [[warp]] with a [[Angry Marines|rare and intense hatred]] and utterly despise [[heresy]] and [[blam|cowardice]] (this makes them special because? I suppose we're to believe other Chapters don't hate daemons and the Warp as much and don't utterly despise heresy and cowardice). During one particular campaign involving the rebellion of an entire sub-sector, the Iron Hands got in and [[Rip and Tear|fucked shit up so bad]] that they executed a third of the sub-sector's entire population. That is not killed. [[Commissar|Executed]]. As in the ones they did not kill in battle, and those who surrendered and begged for mercy. Despite this they are seen by some as a wholesome and pious chapter, unlike [[Flesh Tearers|some others that murder everything within sight regardless of whose side they're on]] [[Marines Malevolent|or level refugee camps because there are hostiles within the perimeter.]] Either way, don't piss them off lest you fuel their murderboner; and whilst on the subject of boners, it is believed they hate [[Slaanesh]] with the [[Rage|intense hatred]] of a billion [[Æonic Orb|Æonic Orbs]] because they're the Prince of Excess and the Iron Hands believe THE FLESH IS WEAK (the previously-mentioned one-third-of-a-subsector-getting-[[blam|blammed]] was because of Slaaneshi orgies and daemons). This could mean they are more apt at fighting the minions of She Who Thirsts, but there is, as all things Iron Hands related, not much to elaborate on this except they are getting shit done. (It could also be due to their particularly strong hatred of the [[Emperor's Children|Emperor's Children]], for a long list of reasons that include [[Fulgrim|a certain Primarch]] decapitating [[Ferrus Manus|a certain other Primarch]].)

There's also the tactic known as "The Hammer and the Storm", a military doctrine that dates back to a peculiar conflict on Rust during the [[Great Crusade]]. The basis of it was essentially to gather the entire enemy force in one location with one force, then gather the rest of the army to surround and eradicate the gathered enemy with a nonstop hail of firepower. There's nothing subtle about the tactic, and it appeals to the heavy-weapon and tank fetish of the technophiles. What it doesn't factor in, however, is that it won't factor in the enemy's intelligence, meaning that a competent enough strategist might realize that they're being clumped together and then orders the troops to disperse far enough to spoil any ability to blast them all at once.

In the Book "The Eye of Medusa" by David Guymer there is a description for "Helfathers", the Honorguard of the Ironfathers and [[Mary Sue|the best of the best]]. They're clad in black, bulky and heavily augmented suites of Terminator Armour. They have neither Clan nor Klaven-Ensignia on their armour and even their bionics are darkened and ancient. There is the superstition that the attention of an Helfather is bad luck, [[Awesome|even among Iron Hands]]. [[Kardan Stronos]], at the time squad leader told his accompanying tech adept:"[[Grimdark|The Helfathers aren't even human in the the way I am human]]. I don't know how many of them exist. I never heard any of them speak. As far as I know, they don't even have names. And believe me, Melitan Yolanis, [[Grimdark|I don't wish to know any more]]".
It's also said that they rarely, if ever, leave Medusa, so we won't see any rules for them anytime soon.

Unless we already did... in two Heresy short stories by John French, an Iron Hands warband starts using the "Keys of Hel". This was Meduson tech that Ferrus himself had forbidden and sealed away, including the means of "true mechanical resurrection". The narrator in the second refers to his multiple deaths. So this suggests that the Helfathers may be renowned warriors who who haven't just been wounded unto death, but outright killed and brought back.

===Company Clans===
*'''Clan Avernii''': The "Veteran" Company. Due to the way the clans are made, it's not exactly true that each member is indeed a veteran, but they tend to make up for the lost time through many uploads, countless simulations and hypno-indoctrination. While this does result in a critical attrition rate, it also makes them far more robotic.
*'''Clan Garrsak''': Believe in using willpower to suppress emotions. Their plans tend to be very thoroughly planned in advance thanks to simulations and even time instances where they can cut loose for a bit.
*'''Clan Raukaan''': The dangerous mofos. It seems to be a clan trait that they are ruled by emotions more openly than others, as attested to during that Gaudinian Heresy. While this has cost countless lives, it has also brought them renown both in and out of the chapter.
*'''Clan Kaargul''': Their plans tend to be very long-term and meticulous in regard to contingencies. They treat melee as an absolute last resort, after having exhausted all other venues.
*'''Clan Haarmek''': Watch over the countless tech-relics on Medusa. This duty is so critical to them that if a relic is stolen from their watch and not retrieved, then the captain responsible is stripped of rank and forced to undertake the Silver Pilgrimage practically naked, a quest that demands the disgraced captain find a single scale from the wyrm that Manus slew.
*'''Clan Sorrgol''': Responsible to watching over the Medusan Expanse, the fiefdom that the Iron Hands prize for supplies.
*'''Clan Borrgos''': Apparent remnants of the [[Moirae Schism]] who weren't deemed extreme enough to be booted to the [[Sons of Medusa]]. Is often accompanied by Chaplains. The current Iron Captain also subscribes to purges.
*'''Clan Morlaag''': Focus their strategy into a single killing blow rather than a hundred weaker ones.They also have a lot of trophies kept in their fort.
*'''Clan Vurgaan''': Being deemed too wild, this clan tends to have the most emotion-inhibitors installed. These inhibitors tend to have long-reaching effects, for even after they are removed the brothers of this clan tend to display tics from their reliance on the augmetics.
*'''Clan Dorrvok''': The closest thing the chapter has to a Scout Company post-7th. The company itself is compared to a sort of alloy, as scouts from all clans are gathered here, with those native to Dorrvok just remaining as veteran scouts and Infiltrators. Furthering that analogy is their component of the Forgechain, a symbolic augmetic that replaces a vertebra and marks a decade in service to a particular clan - While all the other companies get to make their vertebrae in all sorts of exotic metals otherwise unique to their clan, Dorrvok makes theirs out of an alloy of all these metals as a symbol of their shared origins.

==Gene-seed body dysmorphia?==
The Iron Hands love to replace their body parts with bionics, but these bionics actually do little to improve upon their already superior physiologies. It's possible that the Iron Hands suffer from body dysmorphia, seeing weakness in themselves where there is none. This is all but stated in an analysis by a senior tech-priest in the novel ''Wrath of Iron''. This psychological illness likely comes from their gene-seed, since they all suffer it. It's not a far-fetched hypothesis, because the Blood Angels also suffer from a common mental illness passed on through their gene-seed: the Red Thirst.

==Tabletop==
Good news is they got a much needed bone in 6th edition. Robin Cruddace realized how stupid it was for a chapter with close ties to the Ad-mech to not have a lot of gear; they're now loaded with tanks, aircraft, and dreadnoughts. Their variation of Chapter Tactics gives all marines 6+ FNP (which is a great bonus that will save a few marines here and there, but is not something to be built around), all of their characters and vehicles get It Will Not Die, and [[Techmarine|Techmarines/Masters of the Forge]] get +1 to Blessings of the Omnissiah. The strength in this particular set of Chapter Tactics is that basically every single model benefits from it, allowing you to play a wider selection of builds while still playing to its strengths.

...And then they get their own supplement, ''Clan Raukaan''. Interesting, it would seem GW is dealing with not knowing what to do with them by portraying the Chapter as full of contradictions, such as despite the clans being autonomous they do act like Codex companies. Apparently the Codex Astartes was simply "more logical" than the admittedly terrible idea of telling Guilliman and Dorn to go fuck themselves.

Also, [[Derp|the codex kinda skimped on the fluff]]. The Contqual campaign is pared down to mostly just the final battle on the Shardenus hub, and Supplement: Raukaan skips it entirely, instead introducing the Gaudinian Heresy (see above) instead of the campaign mentioned all over the fucking promotional material. It's also deeply suspicious that for a Chapter which must absolutely revere their Apothecaries, potentially folding them into their Techmarines like Space Wolves and Blood Angels do with their Chaplains, since they'd be the ones in charge of installing new cybernetics, their fluff consistently yammers on about their Techmarines and just doesn't discuss their Apothecaries at any great length.

Crunch-wise in 8th edition, it doesn't seem so crap. They've kept their 6+ FNP from 7th edition although as of the rulings on Disgusting Resilience they have to roll it for each point of damage, not wound now. That said, ignoring 16.6% of all incoming damage is helpful. Like all chapter tactics however the rule [[Fail|doesn't effect vehicles and the Iron Hands no longer gain a benefit to fixing tanks either.]] Changed as of 8.5 Marine Codex, with everything in the codex except Servitors gaining Chapter Tactics, as well as the chapter tactics themselves letting marines hit Overwatch on a 5 or 6, and Vehicles counting their wounds as double the remaining number for damage tables, as well as the 6+ Feel No Pain. [[Cheese|This also applies to Forgeworld models like Relic Leviathans, and the Astraeus Tank]]. Indeed, it seems that the Iron Hands' specialism of armored warfare has swung over busted for the sake of overcompensation.

With their own codex supplement, Iron Hands are gaining a named character in the form of Iron Father [[Malkaan Feirros]], as well as bonuses for being a pure Iron Hands army, such as ignoring movement penalties for heavy weapons while the Devastator combat doctrine (+1ap for heavy Weapons) is active, six warlord traits, relics, special issue Wargear, and the Technomancy psychic discipline. [[Chapter Master Smashfucker]] rides again?

==Daily Rituals==
[[File:You're_Terminated.jpg|300px|thumb|right|A rare Iron Hands [[Terminator]] showing why metal is superior and why THE FLESH IS WEAK.]]
While each Clan Company has its own rituals and traditions, the following should be considered an outline of the Iron Hands daily routines:

*'''04:00 - Morning Prayer:''' The Iron Hands of the Clan Company are awoken from their power stations and reconfigure their Power Options for best performance, ready for the Iron Father to lead them in sermon which is completely told in Binary. 
*'''05:00 - Morning Firing Rites:''' The Iron Hands engage in [[Dakka|fire practice]]. The targets will typically include cutout or actual slaaneshi cultists. 
*'''07:00 - Battle Practice:''' The Iron Hands gather for practice in the cages. Often the Iron Hands end up repairing the damage they inflicted on the practice servitor themselves. On more than a few occasions Chapter serfs have been unable to tell the difference between a battle-brother and a [[servitor]]. 
*'''11:00 - Morning Maintenance Rituals:''' The Iron Hands polish and repair their wargear and augmetics. 
*'''13:00 - Midday Meal:''' A light meal is prepared by the Chapter serfs and occasionally accidentally given to a Servitor. During the meal, the Iron Hands repeatedly watch animations of their primarch dying in battle, fueling their rage. 
*'''13:30 - Tactical Indoctrination:''' The Clan-Commander gathers the Iron Hands for a tactical sermon on potential enemies, pointing out the vulnerable weak flesh to fire [[Bolter|bolters]] at. They also will take turns using an ancient combat simulator named "War Thunder" to keep their mechanized warfare skills sharp. 
*'''14:30 - Land-Behemoth Maintenance:''' The Clan Company assists in repairs to the Land-Behemoth which serves as the Clan's mobile fortress-monastery. Mostly because by this point the vessel has taken on too much ash and soot from Medusa's volcanoes to continue moving. Raising questions about whether this means machines are weaker than flesh earns a battle-brother one hundred days of penitential duties. 
*'''16:00 - Evening Battle Practice:''' Having gotten the Land Engine working again, the Clan Company assembles for evening battle practice. Again, they will often repair any damage they inflict on the practice servitor. 
*'''17:00 - Evening Firing Rites:''' The Iron Hands will use any ranged weapon possible to destroy their targets, from predator cannons to storm Bolters. Interestingly, their targets will typically be painted [[Emperor's Children|pink]] and Urine [[Marines Malevolent|yellow]]. 
*'''18:00 - Evening Prayer:''' The Iron Hands gather for the Iron Father to preach to them. Areas frequently covered include the sinfulness of still having your own kidneys, why washing machines are superior to many humans and mortification of pathetic, weak flesh by poking yourself repeatedly in the eye. 
*'''20:00 - Evening Meal:''' A feast is prepared by the Chapter serfs. Overcooking or undercooking the food will result in the serf being banished to the Enginerarium decks (trust us, for people born on a half-frozen planet, nothing is worse than the heat of the Enginerarium decks of a Land-Behemoth). 
*'''21:00 - Evening Maintenance Rituals:''' The Iron Hands spend the rest of their day overseeing maintenance of their wargear and augmetics with adjustable Spanners, Watchmakers and ratchet Screwdrivers. Many magnetic heads are lost on the Marines Armour in very hard to reach places, Rare Earth Magnets are banned. 
*'''00:00 - Rest Period:''' The Iron Hands retire to their power stations for the evening where they configure themselves to low power mode

{{Template:Marines-Official}}
[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Imperial]][[Category:Space Marines]]

Black Templars

2020-04-05T01:56:12Z

2601:443:47F:3CA0:3D89:95D9:8FA4:EBE8: /* Daily Rituals of a Black Templar */

{{Infobox Spess Mahreen Chapter
|Name = Black Templars
|Heraldry = [[File:Blacktemplarslogo.png|250px]]
|Battle Cry = "No pity! No remorse! No fear!"
|Number =
|Founding = [[Second Founding]]
|Successors of = [[Imperial Fists]]
|Successor Chapters =
|Chapter Master = [[Helbrecht]]
|Primarch = [[Rogal Dorn]]
|Homeworld = ''Eternal Crusader'' (fleet-based)
|Specialty = Assault, close combat, being massive try-hards
|Strength = Somewhere between one to ten thousand (Reports about their crusades are unsure)
|Allegiance = [[Imperium of Man]]
|Colours = Black and white [[Pauldrons|shoulder pads]]
}}
{{awesome}}

{{topquote|They are rage, brutal, without mercy. But you? You will be '''worse'''. [[Rip and Tear]], until it is '''DONE'''.|The only order that matters.}}

{{Topquote|I have dug my grave in this place and I will either triumph or I will die!|Relcusiarch Grimaldus, Hero of Helsreach}}

{{Topquote|WHERE IS YOUR GOD? OH YEAH, HE'S WITH ME NOW!!|Rare Black Templar war cry/motto}}

The '''Black Templars''' are a [[Second Founding]] [[Space Marine Chapter]] of the [[Imperial Fists]]. These [[Space Marines|Space Marines]] are as manly as the [[Manly Marines]] and as angry as the [[Angry Marines]]. They make a hobby of dressing up as the Knights Hospitaller and trolling the Inquisition with their larger-than-Codex-approved numbers. They're righteously angry for the [[God-Emperor of Mankind|Emperor]], they're usually close combat focused and their idea of a charge is a giant zerg rush of a hundred angry Crusaders who won't hesitate to skullfuck the nearest alien/mutant/heretic with their powersword just because they look funny. [[Rip and Tear|Although they don't need swords that much...]]

The Black Templars and their iconography are of a mixture of the Knights Templar, Teutonic Knights and the Knights Hospitaller. Basically if you need someone's shit pushed in hard by a power armored fist, these are the guys you call.

==About the Black Templars==
[[Image:Blacktempbeinbadass.jpg|thumb|left|"I came here to Purge Heretics and pray in chapels of the Emperor. And I don't see any Chapels."]]

The Black Templars have their origins in the first company of the [[Great Crusade]]-Era Imperial Fists, a group originally known as the Templar Brethren. They wore all-black armor and had black crosses on their right pauldron and shields, and were sworn to protect the Temple of Oaths (OK, the reality is that [[Forge World]] wanted to justify including Black Templars into [[Horus Heresy]]. They're really more Templar than Imperial Fist at this point already). Their Commander and First Captain of the Imperial Fists, [[Sigismund]], started the tradition of the Emperor's Champion, in which a Templar would challenge the enemy's champions to single combat. After the Heresy had ended and [[Roboute Guilliman]] called for the [[Second Founding]], Sigismund took his Templar Brethren to found the Black Templars.

They express their [[Rage|fury]] through burning [[Codex Astartes|heretical texts]] (as kindling for the actual heretics), pwning [[furry|mutants]], [[Angry Marines|and skull fucking aliens]]. But you might say, "Isn't that what every other Spess Mehreen chapter does?" Well you'd be right, but they are the most pro-active about it, celebrations on finishing one Crusade involve declaring a new Crusade, recruits are taken from all the planets they've been on then sent to join the fighting so that they never have to slow down, and they usually fight by zerg rushing their enemies with hundreds (and sometimes thousands) of heavily power armoured super humans holding power weapons while screaming a litany of curses at the top of their superhuman lungs. Also unlike other Chapters, they don't have scout teams, as they think they're not righteously angry enough. Instead all new Neophytes (read: meatshields) are given some crap and schooled in the field by a fully appointed Marine (called an "Initiate").

Basically, the Black Templars focus on ''winning'' and ''killing everything'' as opposed to the normal Space Marine actions which prioritize glory and challenges. Most Space Marines would see a concentration of powerful enemies and charge in guns blazing. A Black Templar would call in a Whirlwind strike and walk on their corpses. To them, glory comes from simply murderizing the absolute '''''fuck''''' out of the enemies of man. They come in like a hurricane of death instead of the normal Astartes "Knights in SPAAAAACEEE!!!" shtick. They are not space monks, though they are pious. They are not knights, though they look the part. They are single-minded slaughter machines that retain just enough humanity to relate to...and just little enough to evoke deep dread in all who cross their path. This might also be part of the reason for their high numbers. Since they're so focused on just plain winning, they don't stupidly endanger themselves when a more effective and efficient method is available. They also fight to win rather than to show how powerful they are or to strike fear into the heart of the enemy or boost friendly morale or anything. They don't bother with that stuff, that's what the Emperor's Champion is for. No, the Black Templars just fucking '''kill'''.

The Black Templars are '''THE''' largest loyalist ([[Derp|"codex following"]]) chapter, estimated to have at least over two thousand marines in their ranks. This is primarily because the Black Templars sometimes split their crusade fleets to achive different campaing goals and they're scattered throughout the galaxy so the correct number of Templars in active service is only known by [[Helbrecht]], himself High Marshal of the Black Templars. This means that their chapter alone could wipe out the [[Tau|weeaboo communists]] or almost [[Rape|every faction]] if they were drawn together in one place. Of course this would twist the nipples of the Inquisition and move the setting of 40k along, so don't expect it to happen anytime soon (read:ever). Unfortunately they're unwilling to fight beside psykers except for Grey Knights, they got all buddy-buddy with them fairly quickly, enough so that they willingly shared the STCs for the [[Land Raider|Land Raider Crusader]] with them, mind-wipes not withstanding of course. They are descended from the [[Imperial Fists]], but obviously got more of Dorn's angry [[Gene Seed|splooge]] than his [[Imperial Fists|patient splooge]]. They sometimes get to wear cool Crusader helms, which are at least ten times as [[Awesome|awesome]] as the [[beakie]]s' Corvus helms.

The new Space Marines codex has changed several things about the chapter. It now states they worship the Emperor as a God like the larger Imperium and they have close ties with the Ecclesiarchy. This also makes them good friends with the [[Sisters of Battle]], whom they regularly team up with and have several alliances with. Emperor pity the heretics who have to face both of these groups of zealous nutters at once.

Alternatively, you could choose to ignore the fluff in the new codex that says that they worship the Emperor, as it is wrong and demonstrates a clear Ward-like level of disregard for previous, and better, fluff as it also says that out of all Astartes chapters, only the Black Templars worship the Emperor. This contradicts several novels that say the chapters they revolve around worship him. The first that come to mind are James Swallows series on the Blood Angels. THEN there's the fact that Grimaldus, the Black Templars' High Chaplain (you know, guy who knows better than anyone else what they believe), said that they DO NOT worship him in ADB's sequel to Helsreach, Blood and Fire.

<s>Shame the newer fluff decanonizes the old, but advancement is advancement.</s> Games Workshop says ''everything is canon'' so the debate is pointless. Besides, GW itself consistently holds that Space Marines do not worship the Emperor. GW lore even goes into details explaining that the Imperium accepts it as a quirk due to them being so physically and spiritually close to him that he only ''seems'' less divine to the Space Marines. The Inquisition and Ecclesiarchy don't like it, though. So, we have GW say "everything is canon" (In a multiple layers of reality due to Warp fuckery sort of way) and we have GW ''also'' saying that Space Marines do not worship the Emperor. Since they ''own'' Warhammer 40,000 we can safely say that Space Marines not worshiping the Emperor is the norm but there might be exceptions. Of which the Black Templars are not among them. They're utterly fanatical in enforcing the Emperor's will. Not what the Ecclesiarchy or Imperial Senate claims is his will, but his actual will. They refuse to work with (and often butcher) psykers because the Emperor said psykers and sorcery were no-nos. Logically, this means they would also respect his decree not to worship him and that he is not a god. The Black Templars were a Second Founding Chapter, so they would be fully aware of that.

As a curious aside, the Chapter's "fuck the man" policy has lead them to collect some odd friends. They are the only known allies for a few chapters, including the [[Celestial Lions]], [[Libators]], and [[Star Phantoms]].

==Accomplishments==
*Vowing to go on an Eternal Crusade as part of their deal during the Second Founding and [[awesome|keeping it going non-stop for 10,000 years without getting killed or so diminished they had to settle down to rebuild!]] (Which is a really impressive feat even for superhuman Astartes.) Although the [[Horus Heresy]] novels have revealed that Sigismund didn't start this voluntarily, he was ''exiled'' by [[Rogal Dorn]], and a lot of their more notable traits - like their absolute hatred of psykers - stems from Sigismund's [[butthurt]] over how he got exiled in the first place.
*Not forgetting about the Chaos Space Marines who fled into the Eye of Terror. When Abaddon and company first busted back out of the Eye of Terror, Sigismund was up in their business within the hour. And he nearly killed Abaddon.
*Taking back a hundred planets that were stolen by the [[Tau|blue space socialists]] after the Ultramarines realized the Tyranids were heading their way and left.
*Killing an alien psyker and accidentally blowing out ten billion astropaths in the process, <del>[[Derp|oops]]</del> [[Just As Planned|just as planned]]. To be fair, said psyker was too powerful to let live and the Black Templars didn’t know its power would explode (which implies this was not normal for psykers).
*Wiping out countless alien species and actually sparing one alien species that was worshiping "The Voice of the Emperor" when they got there. They only destroyed their temples just in case this voice wasn't [[Emperor|talking about who they thought it was.]]
*Successfully capturing [[Cypher]]! Then they were [[Fallen_Angels#Ophidium_Gulf_Crusade_incident|forced at gunpoint to hand him off]] to the Dark Angels chapter [[Just As Planned|where he almost immediately escapes.]]
*The Second Siege of Terra! When some crazy ass High Lord of Terra named Goge Vandire [[Age of Apostasy|usurped all power in Imperium]], thinking that he can do everything he wants, he wiped out some Templar fortresses with orbital strikes and when they found out they got all righteous angry! Assisting '''[[Sebastian Thor]]''', the Templars gather around a thousand Crusaders and along with some other Chapters as well as the Martian techno-guard; the Black Templars, with all fury, wage a frakkin second siege of Terra! (The insignificant detail they did get fought to a stalemate by the [[Sisters of Battle|bolter bitches]] until [[Adeptus Custodes|Big E.'s guardians]] told the lasses Vandire was a heretic tends to get glossed over. IMPERATORIS VULT!)

==Organization==
Since the Imperial Fists told [[Roboute_Guilliman|Papa Smurf]] to go fuck himself and his [[Codex Astartes|Codex]], the Black Templars have an organization different from Codex Chapters. They organize themselves into Fighting Companies, with much of it on the fly. Their ranks and positions include:

*'''High Marshal''': The Chapter Master of the Black Templars, who decides which Crusades the Black Templars will participate in, without bothering for an okay from the [[High Lords of Terra]]. [[Helbrecht]] serves as the current High Marshal. Interestingly enough, in their original Codex the High Marshal and regular Marshals typically do not go face to face with the enemy (to the point where Helbrecht never actually touched down in the Third War for Armageddon, he stayed in space dictating the orbital battle), [[Reasonable Marines|Marshals and High Marshals prefer to stay back assessing the battlefield]] and advising the various squads through their communicators about where they should strike and shoot to make the most out of their troops.
*'''Marshal''': The commander of a Crusade, a Marshal is equivalent to a Captain, they're the ones that lead the individual Crusades. When a Crusade is called and there is no Marshal to lead it a candidate is chosen from among the sword brethren and if the High Marshal thinks he is fit for the task appointed Marshal. There has only ever been one case of a candidate being rejected by the High Marshall. It is from the ranks of the Marshals that the new High Marshal is picked should he fall in battle.
*'''Emperor's Champion''': Before an undertaking usually during battle preparations, one of the Black Templars may have a vision granted by the Emperor. This knight will be declared by the [[Chaplain]]s to be the Emperor's Champion, as their founder Sigismund was ten millennia ago. He will be given the Black Sword and the Armour of Faith, and serve as an inspiration to the rest of the Crusading host. As with the first Emperor's Champion, Sigismund, it is the sole duty of those who bear the title to seek out and challenge any enemy champion the crusading force meets in battle. Things usually go badly if a Crusade doesn't have an Emperor's Champion. If he is killed before his mission is complete it is considered an ill omen indeed. It is unknown what happens to the knight who is chosen after the completion of a Crusade as none have been shown to survive long enough for it to matter. Other chapters, most usually Imperial Fist's successors, occasionally have an Emperor's Champion who serves a similar purpose but without the artifacts.
*'''Castellan''': The lieutenants of the Marshal, a temporary position chosen by the Marshals (one guy cannot be everywhere) and who is a Castellan can vary depending on the current Crusade or even the current battle ([[Reasonable Marines|pick who's best to lead the current fight]]). The Castellans lead the Fighting Companies of a Crusade, and they're also chosen from the Sword Brethren.
*'''Sergeant''': The only Codex rank the Black Templars employ. Also from the Sword Brethren (notice a pattern, yet?).
*'''Sword Brethren''': Roughly analogous to Veterans in Codex Chapters, Sword Brethren are the senior battle brothers of the Marshal. They also get to use [[Terminator]] armour.
*'''Initiates''': Rank and file battle-brothers. Marines (typically Neophytes) dying around them has a beneficial effect on Initiates, making them run harder into enemy gunfire for reasons unknown and oft-speculated upon.
*'''Neophytes''': While most Chapters have their neophytes serve in some sort of recon force, the Black Templars have their new Space Marines join the Crusade at the front lines and hit the ground running. Given that this has worked for ten thousand years, they may be onto something. Every Neophyte is assigned to an Initiate who is to train and tutor them. The Neophyte serves as the apprentice to the Initiate, sort of like Jedi in [[Star Wars]] but the Neophyte gets smacked if they even dare bitch about sand. They are also quite useful to Initiates to use as shields (literally) in battle.

===Chapter Strength===
[[Image:Praykillburn.jpg|400px|thumb|right|It's a lot like this, really.]]
Despite being a Codex Chapter (well, they're a Codex Chapter as of the newest Codex), they basically just cherry pick whatever they want from it. In particular, they're exploiting a loophole in the Codex Astartes that says a Crusading Chapter can go above the limit of 1,000 Marines, because they don't have a Fortress Monastery, a disastrous campaign or Warp mishap could destroy the entire Chapter if not for this stipulation. The Black Templars, however, take this to mean "have as many Marines as you want!" Seeing as they have multiple Crusades at once, they must be the best Marines around. Seeing as every other Crusading Chapter has roughly a thousand Marines (usually less). Guess that's what happens when you genuinely embrace righteous fury and unleash it upon the alien, the mutant, and the heretic.

However, it's not actually clear how many Marines they actually ''have.'' Some [[neckbeards]] (both fanboys and bitter opponents) exaggerate the actual numbers, referring to them as [[First Founding#Legions in 40k|legion strength]] and/or believing that their numbers are figuratively ''without limit'' and end up with ridiculously high guesses. Given the vagaries of in-universe time due to warp phenomena and the inevitable depletion of assets due to the nature of their work, as well as the fact that they have shit record keeping due to a complete lack of [[Librarian]]s, the actual number of active Templars would be in constant flux.

In ''Blood and Fire,'' Grimaldus mentions that they typically have dozens of Crusades going on at any point in time; [[Deathwatch (RPG)|other sources]] tell us that the Black Templars as an entire Chapter actually consist of a total of three '''"primary"''' Crusade fleets from which all other fighting companies are split from and deployed on their own '''"secondary"''' Crusades when necessary. This coincides with the original codex, which said that there were usually no more than three Crusades at any given time but that they can stretch themselves according to necessity, and states that in one exceptional case there were up to fourteen Crusades operating in the Segmentum Solar during the Treachery of Dalmark.

If we were to base the numbers off the estimate in the back of the 4th edition Codex: Black Templars, the deployment map totals greater than 6000 marines, with several of those Crusades routinely exceeding 500 marines. But when you factor in normal redeployment over the years that number isn't very helpful as many of those Crusades were finished by the time others arose. When you consider it like that, [[Blood Angels|many]] [[Minotaurs|other]] [[Dark Angels|chapters]] have deployed en masse over the years and would also generate a similar deployment map. Furthermore, only a handful of Crusades numbered relatively close to one thousand, with only Armageddon passing it, with 1,232 Marines total and even that number was questioned (?) by the author; for this campaign, High Marshal [[Helbrecht]] was said to have mustered three crusades.

So we can either take it as written in the Order of Battle that the three crusades represent the "normal" three crusades and hence the entire chapter, giving us an absolute ''minimum'' of over 1000 marines, or we can assume that the three crusades are not the primary crusades at all, which still doesn't give us much of an indication of the chapter size, leaving us at square one.

To make things even more confusing, each Crusade will be accompanied by a '''Black Sword''' and a set of the Armour of Faith, to be used by the Emperor's Champion. The 4E codex said that every Crusade and fighting company would have its own Champion, but the 6E Codex and the newer novels changed this older fluff and said that there could only be a ''single'' Champion in the entire Chapter at any given time, and that only a handful arise every century. Plus, there are only ten Black Swords in the Chapter and they are held by the Chaplains, just in case they find the Champion within their Crusade. This implies that there can only be ten Crusades active at any one time; hence, if the three Crusades at Armageddon, taken to be around 1,232, are three-tenths of the Chapter's overall size, the Black Templars have around 4,000 marines.

However, the novel ''Eternal Crusader'' flat-out says that the whole Chapter could gather together on the [[Battle-barge|Eternal Crusader]] itself and barely tax the capabilities of the vessel, and that ''"the mere'"'' 200 marines of Helbrecht's Crusade, which constituted one fifth of the Black Templars' total forces, meant that the vessel was mostly empty, making them far more Chapter sized. The book also shows High Marshal Helbrecht purposefully exaggerating the size of his contingent at Armageddon from 400 marines to 900 in order to gain overall command of the Astartes forces that had arrived ''(many Chapters had brought a lot more men than the Templars, and would have had more right to overall command)''. Helbrecht would later leave Armageddon briefly to muster [[A Game of Pretend|"more"]] Black Templars ''(but only bringing the number up to what he promised)'', so it is easy to see how the size of his contingent would be misleading to an outside observer.

The old Codex also suggested somewhere between 5000-6000 ''"if certain accounts are to be believed"'' which places a level of uncertainty on the number, and if you consider the above statement would sound reasonable if you took Helbrecht at his word about the availability to Black Templar soldiers and could easily show how the Administratum has been misled into thinking the Templars are much larger than they actually are. [[Aaron Dembski-Bowden|A-D-B]] also suggested about 6000 in an offhand comment; therefore, it is currently our highest reasonable upper limit without resorting to guesses.

----
[https://guyhaley.wordpress.com/2014/07/11/im-baaaacccckkk/#comment-5779 The author of ''Eternal Crusader'' later acknowledged on his blog that the Black Templars could have maintained extreme numbers in the past, but that the overall strength of the Chapter was reduced to a thousand (more or less) as result of a corporate decision by GW, not just of the codex authors.] Heresy!

It is perhaps best to repeat the Black Library's own take on the fluff: 40k is in the fucking dark ages and everything written down could be a legend, propaganda, an event that happened, or a rumor based on a real event. Any guess as to the number of Marines in the Black Templars is just that, a guess, and a book offers only the author's point of view, or what he wants you to think, or he himself is a fabrications.

8th Edition still maintains the information confusion over the Black Templar's actual numbers, just like before. While the Imperial Index states that ''"each Black Templars battle-fleet contains thousands of warriors."'' The actual Space Marine Codex states that "''the size of each can vary from several battle-brothers to several hundred"'' and though it says there is no fixed number of Crusades, they are still each accompanied by a Black Sword in case the Emperor's Champion arises, and there are still only nine swords (Guilliman destroyed one to defeat Skarbrand during the events of Rise of the Primarch). So all told, not much seems to have changed, fanboys and opponents can believe what they want.

==On Psykers==
For most of their history the Black Templars didn't have any Librarians. This was generally thought as a pretty simple fact, they hate all forms of witches. They even have a special rule call "Abhor the Witch". That was until 6th edition when it was more explicitly stated that they had no real compunction against Astropaths and Navigators, since they were the only people who knew how to drive the massive Crusading fleets (pure undadulterated HOLY RAGE!! can't steer a ship through the Warp after all). Of course, this was always true since the BT always accepted those psykers that the Emperor himself had sanctioned (although they watched them closely), which includes Astropaths, Navigators and (surprise, surprise) the Grey Knights. Which invalidates the logic of the following paragraph.

According to the GW apologists, the major difference between their codex and 6E is their opinion on other psykers: In previous works, it was made pretty clear that they wouldn't suffer the witch no matter who they were (except for the aforementioned groups the Emperor sanctioned personally), and as such literally couldn't ally with any other psyker-using force except for the Grey Knights (and even then, it was AoC (Note: "AoC" is a 6th Ed construct)). Come the 6E Codex however, suddenly all their hatred for every psyker was scaled back to merely just being a hatred to all enemy psykers. Some may call this fluff-rape and all that in their neckbearded [[RAGE]], but others realize that setting up tons of restrictions would ultimately serve to cripple the Templars and ultimately just kept things easier by just generalizing it, to say nothing of the fact that the Emperor himself was a psyker. Not to mention the whole organization of sanctioned psykers used by the Imperium. Those guys were permitted to operate by...uh...someone, right? If it was the Imperial Senate, then they speak with the Emperor's voice, so the Black Templars can suck it. If it was literally anyone else with that kind of authority then it would be someone even closer to the Emperor in authority than merely his voice. So, the general hatred of psykers just isn't feasible anyway.

So it was changed. The Black Templars hatred is only towards alien and rogue psykers and that they have great respect for the ones in the fleet. So why no Librarians? There are three <s>theories</s> hypothesis in the codex:

*They still enforce the Edict of Nikaea. Considered most likely, given their [[Crunch|special rule]] "Abhor the Witch!"
*A gene-seed defect.
*They lost them during The Howling.

A small part of it likely has to do with their recruiting process. Since they recruit from the worlds they Crusade on, and they spend a decent amount of time purging renegade psykers, there probably aren't any psykers left for them to recruit and they're not likely to recruit Psykers found by somebody else. It still doesn't explain why they've never had a recorded incident of latent Psykers awakening once they've been recruited.

Rather hilariously, the Black Templars are not even certain why they don't have Librarians; because the Librarius usually maintains the records of the chapter, the Templars have allowed their understanding of history to fall into decay. For the time being, they have come to the conclusion that the loss of the Librarius is simply part of the Emperor's grand design, and should he see fit to bless them with Librarians again they would gladly use them.

Given how the Warp (and 40K in general) works as a genuine Clap Your Hands If You Believe setting, it could be that the Black Templar's own hatred of psykers causes any psykers or latent psykers they didn't realize were such to either become non-psykers or simply inactive/latent and remain that way.

==Notable members==
*''[[Sigismund]]'': First Chapter Master/Soul brother who made the chapter when Dorn broke the Legion up.
*''High Marshal [[Helbrecht]]'': Their current Chapter Master. Gets fucked up by Imotekh the Stormlord who proceeds to take his arm as a trophy. Helbrecht then manages to destroy his entire fucking flagship as retaliation. Currently on <s>a manhunt for [[Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka]] alongside [[Commissar Yarrick]]</s> Crusade to drive Chaos away from some Shrine Worlds.
*''Chaplain [[Grimaldus]]'': THE most badass [[Chaplain]] in the entire Godsdamn Imperium, with the possible exception of [[Lemartes]]. He fought the biggest Ork WAAAGH in history on a very old temple that had relics and artifacts that were sacred to the Imperium. The battle only ended after the temple collapsed and buried every Ork and Marine under the rubble. But since Grimaldus was too badass to die, he crawled out of the temple with a few relics he managed to save. And besides the guy has the word [[Grimdark|grim]] in his fucking name! How can he not be badass? The main caveat about his description is in his depiction in the book Helsreach, featuring Grimaldus' service in Armageddon leading up to his title as "Hero of Helsreach", where we learn he is equally skilled at tantrum-throwing/sulking, as he is kicking lots of ork ass. But to be fair, this isn't the Grimaldus we know and love as first. Helsreach is about him manning up under constant pressure, him finding he has to stop feeling like he has to be his old boss's bitch all the time and learning to be the butch. He does manage to man up and becomes the badass we all know and love (by the end of things, like, the very last second before a cathedral falls on him and knocks him out and not a second sooner). Plus, he had the stones to do it all WITHOUT A [[ROSARIUS]].
*''[[Tankred]]'': He who endures. Also is partial to bitches.
*''High Marshal Ludoldus'': A previous High Marshal notable for having led the Templars during two Crusades that were separated by over 2000 years, specifically the Vinculus Crusade (833.M41) and the Jerulas Crusade (645.M39). Considering that he was already High Marshall by the time of Vinculus, one can only conclude that Ludoldus was FUCKING OLD... and totally blows [[Dante]] out of the water as the guy even has ''old'' in his fucking name.
*''Castellan Draco'': notable role in the Vinculus crusade, notably in killing Inquisitor Lord Vinculus after he got possessed, but not after his own losses; that is, he got buried in rubble after lacing the cult's massive fortress with explosives. For his valiant efforts, he got his lost parts replaced with bionics, a relic suit of armour and Lord Vinculus' sword. Declared Excommunicate Traitoris in IF supplement, becoming the first SM special character with a model who turned traitor in 40k.
* ''High Marshal Bohemond'': Led the Chapter during the War of the Beast.
* ''Marshal Magneric'' See Tankred above imagine if he was in command of his own Crusade. Unlike most dreadnoughts he still kept his name and rank and rarely slept which made him into a crazy fanatic (and implied to be the source of the religious zeal) spends most of his days hunting his old BFF Warsmith Kalkator until Orks of The Beast showed up.

==Daily Rituals of a Black Templar==
Think [[Angry Marines]] but with less copious cursing.
* 03:50: Morning Call to Prayer: Initiates awaken their respective Neophytes from their comfortable slumber on bare stone floors. This often involves buckets of ice water, vox-casters playing hymns with the volume control knob broken off, or a power armor shod foot up the ass depending on the Initiate in question. Complaints that this awakening occurred ten minutes prior to scheduled reveille are met with readmistration of the waking aid.
* 04:00: Morning Prayer: Neophytes are berated for their perceived failings by their responsible Initiates, who are in turn berated by the Sword Brethren, the Sword Brethren by the Castellans, up to the Marshal who berates the entire Fleet then swears a solemn vow to an icon of the Emperor that they will do better and prove themselves worthy by stabbing heretics in the throat with their swords. Tactics may also be discussed and orders of battle issued, assuming they involve rushing headlong at the enemy.
* 05:00: Morning Firing Rites: The Initiates school their apprentices on the art of shooting xenos in the face while simultaneously swinging a chainsword. This shooting preferably occurs while rushing across the active firing range in order to close with the target and hit it with the bolt pistol if possible.
* 07:00: Morning Battle Practice: Initiates inform their neophytes that if they are done being cowardly whelps they may now avail themselves of a sword with which to stab shit.
* 11:55: Milk and cookies break. Any neophytes stupid enough to drink milk or eat cookies
* 12:00: Midday Prayer: Neophytes are told how poorly they did during the morning exercises, any sense of pride or joy is rooted out. The Marshal leads the Fleet in prayer and promises the Emperor they will kill more things even more righteously this afternoon.
* 13:00: Midday Meal: The chapter serfs provide cold cuts for the Brothers' enjoyment. Lunchmeat is usually collected by the serfs following each battle and stored in the ships' freezers.
* 13:15: Tactical Indoctrination: Locations of the vital organs and blood vessels of xenos species that may be encountered on the current Crusade and the weak spots of Daemons are reviewed, occasionally an Initiate will cuff his Neophyte on the back of the head and reiterate "Yes that, you stab that retard." Other tactics may also be discussed as long as they involve inserting blades into things.
* 14:00: Afternoon Battle Practice: Initiates attempt to kill their Neophyte with a power sword. If the Neophyte is not dead in four hours he passes muster.
* 18:00: Evening Firing Rites: Neophytes are instructed in how to operate heavy and specialty weaponry dropped by their responsible Initiate when he abandons it so that he may swing his sword with both hands to better kill shit or is eaten by a monstrous creature which he bravely <s>(read:stupidly)</s> (read:RIGHTEOUSLY) tried to skullfuck in CQC.
* 20:00: Evening Prayer: After short session of critique and berating, the Emperors' Champion leads a sermon about how awesome the [[God-Emperor of Mankind|Emprah]] is and how much He wants them to bifurcate/decapitate the current heretics/mutants/xenos they are fighting with power weapons.
* 21:00: Evening Meal: A feast is served by the chapter serfs. Alcohol and anything that has a pleasant taste will not be consumed as the Emperor looks down on those that enjoy life.
* 21:30: Night-fighting/zero-gravity exercises: Initiates instruct their charges on stabbing things by the glow of a power sword and how to fight in a zero-gravity environment without jump packs (stab foe, use corpse as a springboard to assault another foe, repeat).
* 23:15: Wargear Maintenance: Initiates encourage Neophytes to keep weapons in proper working order with phrases like, "Sharpen your shit you incompetent bastard" as the Emperor reserves great disdain for those that kill heretics with dull blades.
* 23:45: Free time: The Initiate is free to challenge his Neophyte to a short duel. Wounds heal better during sleep anyway.
* 00:00 Rest period: The Initiate sees his Neophyte off to bed, with one last punch to the face to help him fall asleep. The Sword Brethren then punch the Initiates in the face before they retire for rest period.

Note that this constitutes a day off for a Black Templar. A working day will involve 23 hours of rushing monstrous creatures with melee weapons. Neophytes are expected to pull bullet sponge duty so the Initiate is not distracted by little things like enemy gunfire (and that their spilled blood will allow the Initiates to glide on the ground to their enemy faster) as seen here:

===Black Templar Combat Training===
Brother-Initiate Teuton McTemplar: "Neophyte, get your ass over here and hold my Lascannon while I charge that [[Carnifex]] with my Power Fist!"

Neophyte Hans Wolfgang: "But sir I have not yet earned my power armour and a Lascannon weighs 100 kilos..."

Brother-Initiate Teuton McTemplar: "You are going to pick up that spotlight and burn some fucking xenos, and you are going to like it!"

Note: It would be nice if this could happen, but in reality, you can only arm Neophytes with shotguns or bolt pistols with CCWs, though you were able to arm an initiate with both a Lascannon and a Power Fist in their original codex. Hilariously too you could go completely overboard and have one marine armed with a Power fist, three bolt pistols (or two bolt pistols and a bolter), a Chainsword, a Power Weapon, a Heavy Bolter, a Missile Launcher (or a Multi-Melta), a Lascannon, and a Plasma Cannon [[Obliterators|ALL AT THE SAME TIME]] (though while funny is still a terrible thing to put on the battlefield as he can still only fire one per turn, pistols notwithstanding). Talk about a jack of all trades...

==See Also==
*[[Warhammer 40,000/Tactics/Black Templar|Tactics/Black Templar]]
*Their [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lrs9nIITQk| theme] by [[HMKids]].
*Also their [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P0TzUNti3rY| theme] by Andrew W.K.
*Their [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyAEBux88hw| '''ONE TRUE ULTIMATE THEME] by [https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCqGKtkZ8-MlAeTVL0fFAMnw| StringStorm].
*An accurate representation of their daily lives https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GaUi8Dv73hA
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUplioG2DC4| The unofficial animated version of Helsreach.]
*Their thoughts on [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xrJVZZLv2GE| furfags. ]
*Their continued campaign against the [https://youtu.be/j02V_34PXZg| furfags. ]

==Gallery==
<gallery>
Image:Templar Terminator.jpg|Actually pretty nice guys, once you get to know them.
Image:1206768954856.jpg|They also like to sing.
Image:howdoipurge.png
Image:bffs.jpg
Image:Imheretopurgehereticsandchewbubblegumandimalloutofbubblegum.jpg|Look at them hips.
Image:Black templar terminator by deadxcross.jpg|When you want to purge as much Heretics and Xenos as possible.
Image:A not so Little Sister by DeadXCross.jpg|They can even inspire zealots of their own.
</gallery>

{{Template:Marines-Official}}

Black Templars

2020-04-05T01:55:32Z

2601:443:47F:3CA0:3D89:95D9:8FA4:EBE8: /* Daily Rituals of a Black Templar */

{{Infobox Spess Mahreen Chapter
|Name = Black Templars
|Heraldry = [[File:Blacktemplarslogo.png|250px]]
|Battle Cry = "No pity! No remorse! No fear!"
|Number =
|Founding = [[Second Founding]]
|Successors of = [[Imperial Fists]]
|Successor Chapters =
|Chapter Master = [[Helbrecht]]
|Primarch = [[Rogal Dorn]]
|Homeworld = ''Eternal Crusader'' (fleet-based)
|Specialty = Assault, close combat, being massive try-hards
|Strength = Somewhere between one to ten thousand (Reports about their crusades are unsure)
|Allegiance = [[Imperium of Man]]
|Colours = Black and white [[Pauldrons|shoulder pads]]
}}
{{awesome}}

{{topquote|They are rage, brutal, without mercy. But you? You will be '''worse'''. [[Rip and Tear]], until it is '''DONE'''.|The only order that matters.}}

{{Topquote|I have dug my grave in this place and I will either triumph or I will die!|Relcusiarch Grimaldus, Hero of Helsreach}}

{{Topquote|WHERE IS YOUR GOD? OH YEAH, HE'S WITH ME NOW!!|Rare Black Templar war cry/motto}}

The '''Black Templars''' are a [[Second Founding]] [[Space Marine Chapter]] of the [[Imperial Fists]]. These [[Space Marines|Space Marines]] are as manly as the [[Manly Marines]] and as angry as the [[Angry Marines]]. They make a hobby of dressing up as the Knights Hospitaller and trolling the Inquisition with their larger-than-Codex-approved numbers. They're righteously angry for the [[God-Emperor of Mankind|Emperor]], they're usually close combat focused and their idea of a charge is a giant zerg rush of a hundred angry Crusaders who won't hesitate to skullfuck the nearest alien/mutant/heretic with their powersword just because they look funny. [[Rip and Tear|Although they don't need swords that much...]]

The Black Templars and their iconography are of a mixture of the Knights Templar, Teutonic Knights and the Knights Hospitaller. Basically if you need someone's shit pushed in hard by a power armored fist, these are the guys you call.

==About the Black Templars==
[[Image:Blacktempbeinbadass.jpg|thumb|left|"I came here to Purge Heretics and pray in chapels of the Emperor. And I don't see any Chapels."]]

The Black Templars have their origins in the first company of the [[Great Crusade]]-Era Imperial Fists, a group originally known as the Templar Brethren. They wore all-black armor and had black crosses on their right pauldron and shields, and were sworn to protect the Temple of Oaths (OK, the reality is that [[Forge World]] wanted to justify including Black Templars into [[Horus Heresy]]. They're really more Templar than Imperial Fist at this point already). Their Commander and First Captain of the Imperial Fists, [[Sigismund]], started the tradition of the Emperor's Champion, in which a Templar would challenge the enemy's champions to single combat. After the Heresy had ended and [[Roboute Guilliman]] called for the [[Second Founding]], Sigismund took his Templar Brethren to found the Black Templars.

They express their [[Rage|fury]] through burning [[Codex Astartes|heretical texts]] (as kindling for the actual heretics), pwning [[furry|mutants]], [[Angry Marines|and skull fucking aliens]]. But you might say, "Isn't that what every other Spess Mehreen chapter does?" Well you'd be right, but they are the most pro-active about it, celebrations on finishing one Crusade involve declaring a new Crusade, recruits are taken from all the planets they've been on then sent to join the fighting so that they never have to slow down, and they usually fight by zerg rushing their enemies with hundreds (and sometimes thousands) of heavily power armoured super humans holding power weapons while screaming a litany of curses at the top of their superhuman lungs. Also unlike other Chapters, they don't have scout teams, as they think they're not righteously angry enough. Instead all new Neophytes (read: meatshields) are given some crap and schooled in the field by a fully appointed Marine (called an "Initiate").

Basically, the Black Templars focus on ''winning'' and ''killing everything'' as opposed to the normal Space Marine actions which prioritize glory and challenges. Most Space Marines would see a concentration of powerful enemies and charge in guns blazing. A Black Templar would call in a Whirlwind strike and walk on their corpses. To them, glory comes from simply murderizing the absolute '''''fuck''''' out of the enemies of man. They come in like a hurricane of death instead of the normal Astartes "Knights in SPAAAAACEEE!!!" shtick. They are not space monks, though they are pious. They are not knights, though they look the part. They are single-minded slaughter machines that retain just enough humanity to relate to...and just little enough to evoke deep dread in all who cross their path. This might also be part of the reason for their high numbers. Since they're so focused on just plain winning, they don't stupidly endanger themselves when a more effective and efficient method is available. They also fight to win rather than to show how powerful they are or to strike fear into the heart of the enemy or boost friendly morale or anything. They don't bother with that stuff, that's what the Emperor's Champion is for. No, the Black Templars just fucking '''kill'''.

The Black Templars are '''THE''' largest loyalist ([[Derp|"codex following"]]) chapter, estimated to have at least over two thousand marines in their ranks. This is primarily because the Black Templars sometimes split their crusade fleets to achive different campaing goals and they're scattered throughout the galaxy so the correct number of Templars in active service is only known by [[Helbrecht]], himself High Marshal of the Black Templars. This means that their chapter alone could wipe out the [[Tau|weeaboo communists]] or almost [[Rape|every faction]] if they were drawn together in one place. Of course this would twist the nipples of the Inquisition and move the setting of 40k along, so don't expect it to happen anytime soon (read:ever). Unfortunately they're unwilling to fight beside psykers except for Grey Knights, they got all buddy-buddy with them fairly quickly, enough so that they willingly shared the STCs for the [[Land Raider|Land Raider Crusader]] with them, mind-wipes not withstanding of course. They are descended from the [[Imperial Fists]], but obviously got more of Dorn's angry [[Gene Seed|splooge]] than his [[Imperial Fists|patient splooge]]. They sometimes get to wear cool Crusader helms, which are at least ten times as [[Awesome|awesome]] as the [[beakie]]s' Corvus helms.

The new Space Marines codex has changed several things about the chapter. It now states they worship the Emperor as a God like the larger Imperium and they have close ties with the Ecclesiarchy. This also makes them good friends with the [[Sisters of Battle]], whom they regularly team up with and have several alliances with. Emperor pity the heretics who have to face both of these groups of zealous nutters at once.

Alternatively, you could choose to ignore the fluff in the new codex that says that they worship the Emperor, as it is wrong and demonstrates a clear Ward-like level of disregard for previous, and better, fluff as it also says that out of all Astartes chapters, only the Black Templars worship the Emperor. This contradicts several novels that say the chapters they revolve around worship him. The first that come to mind are James Swallows series on the Blood Angels. THEN there's the fact that Grimaldus, the Black Templars' High Chaplain (you know, guy who knows better than anyone else what they believe), said that they DO NOT worship him in ADB's sequel to Helsreach, Blood and Fire.

<s>Shame the newer fluff decanonizes the old, but advancement is advancement.</s> Games Workshop says ''everything is canon'' so the debate is pointless. Besides, GW itself consistently holds that Space Marines do not worship the Emperor. GW lore even goes into details explaining that the Imperium accepts it as a quirk due to them being so physically and spiritually close to him that he only ''seems'' less divine to the Space Marines. The Inquisition and Ecclesiarchy don't like it, though. So, we have GW say "everything is canon" (In a multiple layers of reality due to Warp fuckery sort of way) and we have GW ''also'' saying that Space Marines do not worship the Emperor. Since they ''own'' Warhammer 40,000 we can safely say that Space Marines not worshiping the Emperor is the norm but there might be exceptions. Of which the Black Templars are not among them. They're utterly fanatical in enforcing the Emperor's will. Not what the Ecclesiarchy or Imperial Senate claims is his will, but his actual will. They refuse to work with (and often butcher) psykers because the Emperor said psykers and sorcery were no-nos. Logically, this means they would also respect his decree not to worship him and that he is not a god. The Black Templars were a Second Founding Chapter, so they would be fully aware of that.

As a curious aside, the Chapter's "fuck the man" policy has lead them to collect some odd friends. They are the only known allies for a few chapters, including the [[Celestial Lions]], [[Libators]], and [[Star Phantoms]].

==Accomplishments==
*Vowing to go on an Eternal Crusade as part of their deal during the Second Founding and [[awesome|keeping it going non-stop for 10,000 years without getting killed or so diminished they had to settle down to rebuild!]] (Which is a really impressive feat even for superhuman Astartes.) Although the [[Horus Heresy]] novels have revealed that Sigismund didn't start this voluntarily, he was ''exiled'' by [[Rogal Dorn]], and a lot of their more notable traits - like their absolute hatred of psykers - stems from Sigismund's [[butthurt]] over how he got exiled in the first place.
*Not forgetting about the Chaos Space Marines who fled into the Eye of Terror. When Abaddon and company first busted back out of the Eye of Terror, Sigismund was up in their business within the hour. And he nearly killed Abaddon.
*Taking back a hundred planets that were stolen by the [[Tau|blue space socialists]] after the Ultramarines realized the Tyranids were heading their way and left.
*Killing an alien psyker and accidentally blowing out ten billion astropaths in the process, <del>[[Derp|oops]]</del> [[Just As Planned|just as planned]]. To be fair, said psyker was too powerful to let live and the Black Templars didn’t know its power would explode (which implies this was not normal for psykers).
*Wiping out countless alien species and actually sparing one alien species that was worshiping "The Voice of the Emperor" when they got there. They only destroyed their temples just in case this voice wasn't [[Emperor|talking about who they thought it was.]]
*Successfully capturing [[Cypher]]! Then they were [[Fallen_Angels#Ophidium_Gulf_Crusade_incident|forced at gunpoint to hand him off]] to the Dark Angels chapter [[Just As Planned|where he almost immediately escapes.]]
*The Second Siege of Terra! When some crazy ass High Lord of Terra named Goge Vandire [[Age of Apostasy|usurped all power in Imperium]], thinking that he can do everything he wants, he wiped out some Templar fortresses with orbital strikes and when they found out they got all righteous angry! Assisting '''[[Sebastian Thor]]''', the Templars gather around a thousand Crusaders and along with some other Chapters as well as the Martian techno-guard; the Black Templars, with all fury, wage a frakkin second siege of Terra! (The insignificant detail they did get fought to a stalemate by the [[Sisters of Battle|bolter bitches]] until [[Adeptus Custodes|Big E.'s guardians]] told the lasses Vandire was a heretic tends to get glossed over. IMPERATORIS VULT!)

==Organization==
Since the Imperial Fists told [[Roboute_Guilliman|Papa Smurf]] to go fuck himself and his [[Codex Astartes|Codex]], the Black Templars have an organization different from Codex Chapters. They organize themselves into Fighting Companies, with much of it on the fly. Their ranks and positions include:

*'''High Marshal''': The Chapter Master of the Black Templars, who decides which Crusades the Black Templars will participate in, without bothering for an okay from the [[High Lords of Terra]]. [[Helbrecht]] serves as the current High Marshal. Interestingly enough, in their original Codex the High Marshal and regular Marshals typically do not go face to face with the enemy (to the point where Helbrecht never actually touched down in the Third War for Armageddon, he stayed in space dictating the orbital battle), [[Reasonable Marines|Marshals and High Marshals prefer to stay back assessing the battlefield]] and advising the various squads through their communicators about where they should strike and shoot to make the most out of their troops.
*'''Marshal''': The commander of a Crusade, a Marshal is equivalent to a Captain, they're the ones that lead the individual Crusades. When a Crusade is called and there is no Marshal to lead it a candidate is chosen from among the sword brethren and if the High Marshal thinks he is fit for the task appointed Marshal. There has only ever been one case of a candidate being rejected by the High Marshall. It is from the ranks of the Marshals that the new High Marshal is picked should he fall in battle.
*'''Emperor's Champion''': Before an undertaking usually during battle preparations, one of the Black Templars may have a vision granted by the Emperor. This knight will be declared by the [[Chaplain]]s to be the Emperor's Champion, as their founder Sigismund was ten millennia ago. He will be given the Black Sword and the Armour of Faith, and serve as an inspiration to the rest of the Crusading host. As with the first Emperor's Champion, Sigismund, it is the sole duty of those who bear the title to seek out and challenge any enemy champion the crusading force meets in battle. Things usually go badly if a Crusade doesn't have an Emperor's Champion. If he is killed before his mission is complete it is considered an ill omen indeed. It is unknown what happens to the knight who is chosen after the completion of a Crusade as none have been shown to survive long enough for it to matter. Other chapters, most usually Imperial Fist's successors, occasionally have an Emperor's Champion who serves a similar purpose but without the artifacts.
*'''Castellan''': The lieutenants of the Marshal, a temporary position chosen by the Marshals (one guy cannot be everywhere) and who is a Castellan can vary depending on the current Crusade or even the current battle ([[Reasonable Marines|pick who's best to lead the current fight]]). The Castellans lead the Fighting Companies of a Crusade, and they're also chosen from the Sword Brethren.
*'''Sergeant''': The only Codex rank the Black Templars employ. Also from the Sword Brethren (notice a pattern, yet?).
*'''Sword Brethren''': Roughly analogous to Veterans in Codex Chapters, Sword Brethren are the senior battle brothers of the Marshal. They also get to use [[Terminator]] armour.
*'''Initiates''': Rank and file battle-brothers. Marines (typically Neophytes) dying around them has a beneficial effect on Initiates, making them run harder into enemy gunfire for reasons unknown and oft-speculated upon.
*'''Neophytes''': While most Chapters have their neophytes serve in some sort of recon force, the Black Templars have their new Space Marines join the Crusade at the front lines and hit the ground running. Given that this has worked for ten thousand years, they may be onto something. Every Neophyte is assigned to an Initiate who is to train and tutor them. The Neophyte serves as the apprentice to the Initiate, sort of like Jedi in [[Star Wars]] but the Neophyte gets smacked if they even dare bitch about sand. They are also quite useful to Initiates to use as shields (literally) in battle.

===Chapter Strength===
[[Image:Praykillburn.jpg|400px|thumb|right|It's a lot like this, really.]]
Despite being a Codex Chapter (well, they're a Codex Chapter as of the newest Codex), they basically just cherry pick whatever they want from it. In particular, they're exploiting a loophole in the Codex Astartes that says a Crusading Chapter can go above the limit of 1,000 Marines, because they don't have a Fortress Monastery, a disastrous campaign or Warp mishap could destroy the entire Chapter if not for this stipulation. The Black Templars, however, take this to mean "have as many Marines as you want!" Seeing as they have multiple Crusades at once, they must be the best Marines around. Seeing as every other Crusading Chapter has roughly a thousand Marines (usually less). Guess that's what happens when you genuinely embrace righteous fury and unleash it upon the alien, the mutant, and the heretic.

However, it's not actually clear how many Marines they actually ''have.'' Some [[neckbeards]] (both fanboys and bitter opponents) exaggerate the actual numbers, referring to them as [[First Founding#Legions in 40k|legion strength]] and/or believing that their numbers are figuratively ''without limit'' and end up with ridiculously high guesses. Given the vagaries of in-universe time due to warp phenomena and the inevitable depletion of assets due to the nature of their work, as well as the fact that they have shit record keeping due to a complete lack of [[Librarian]]s, the actual number of active Templars would be in constant flux.

In ''Blood and Fire,'' Grimaldus mentions that they typically have dozens of Crusades going on at any point in time; [[Deathwatch (RPG)|other sources]] tell us that the Black Templars as an entire Chapter actually consist of a total of three '''"primary"''' Crusade fleets from which all other fighting companies are split from and deployed on their own '''"secondary"''' Crusades when necessary. This coincides with the original codex, which said that there were usually no more than three Crusades at any given time but that they can stretch themselves according to necessity, and states that in one exceptional case there were up to fourteen Crusades operating in the Segmentum Solar during the Treachery of Dalmark.

If we were to base the numbers off the estimate in the back of the 4th edition Codex: Black Templars, the deployment map totals greater than 6000 marines, with several of those Crusades routinely exceeding 500 marines. But when you factor in normal redeployment over the years that number isn't very helpful as many of those Crusades were finished by the time others arose. When you consider it like that, [[Blood Angels|many]] [[Minotaurs|other]] [[Dark Angels|chapters]] have deployed en masse over the years and would also generate a similar deployment map. Furthermore, only a handful of Crusades numbered relatively close to one thousand, with only Armageddon passing it, with 1,232 Marines total and even that number was questioned (?) by the author; for this campaign, High Marshal [[Helbrecht]] was said to have mustered three crusades.

So we can either take it as written in the Order of Battle that the three crusades represent the "normal" three crusades and hence the entire chapter, giving us an absolute ''minimum'' of over 1000 marines, or we can assume that the three crusades are not the primary crusades at all, which still doesn't give us much of an indication of the chapter size, leaving us at square one.

To make things even more confusing, each Crusade will be accompanied by a '''Black Sword''' and a set of the Armour of Faith, to be used by the Emperor's Champion. The 4E codex said that every Crusade and fighting company would have its own Champion, but the 6E Codex and the newer novels changed this older fluff and said that there could only be a ''single'' Champion in the entire Chapter at any given time, and that only a handful arise every century. Plus, there are only ten Black Swords in the Chapter and they are held by the Chaplains, just in case they find the Champion within their Crusade. This implies that there can only be ten Crusades active at any one time; hence, if the three Crusades at Armageddon, taken to be around 1,232, are three-tenths of the Chapter's overall size, the Black Templars have around 4,000 marines.

However, the novel ''Eternal Crusader'' flat-out says that the whole Chapter could gather together on the [[Battle-barge|Eternal Crusader]] itself and barely tax the capabilities of the vessel, and that ''"the mere'"'' 200 marines of Helbrecht's Crusade, which constituted one fifth of the Black Templars' total forces, meant that the vessel was mostly empty, making them far more Chapter sized. The book also shows High Marshal Helbrecht purposefully exaggerating the size of his contingent at Armageddon from 400 marines to 900 in order to gain overall command of the Astartes forces that had arrived ''(many Chapters had brought a lot more men than the Templars, and would have had more right to overall command)''. Helbrecht would later leave Armageddon briefly to muster [[A Game of Pretend|"more"]] Black Templars ''(but only bringing the number up to what he promised)'', so it is easy to see how the size of his contingent would be misleading to an outside observer.

The old Codex also suggested somewhere between 5000-6000 ''"if certain accounts are to be believed"'' which places a level of uncertainty on the number, and if you consider the above statement would sound reasonable if you took Helbrecht at his word about the availability to Black Templar soldiers and could easily show how the Administratum has been misled into thinking the Templars are much larger than they actually are. [[Aaron Dembski-Bowden|A-D-B]] also suggested about 6000 in an offhand comment; therefore, it is currently our highest reasonable upper limit without resorting to guesses.

----
[https://guyhaley.wordpress.com/2014/07/11/im-baaaacccckkk/#comment-5779 The author of ''Eternal Crusader'' later acknowledged on his blog that the Black Templars could have maintained extreme numbers in the past, but that the overall strength of the Chapter was reduced to a thousand (more or less) as result of a corporate decision by GW, not just of the codex authors.] Heresy!

It is perhaps best to repeat the Black Library's own take on the fluff: 40k is in the fucking dark ages and everything written down could be a legend, propaganda, an event that happened, or a rumor based on a real event. Any guess as to the number of Marines in the Black Templars is just that, a guess, and a book offers only the author's point of view, or what he wants you to think, or he himself is a fabrications.

8th Edition still maintains the information confusion over the Black Templar's actual numbers, just like before. While the Imperial Index states that ''"each Black Templars battle-fleet contains thousands of warriors."'' The actual Space Marine Codex states that "''the size of each can vary from several battle-brothers to several hundred"'' and though it says there is no fixed number of Crusades, they are still each accompanied by a Black Sword in case the Emperor's Champion arises, and there are still only nine swords (Guilliman destroyed one to defeat Skarbrand during the events of Rise of the Primarch). So all told, not much seems to have changed, fanboys and opponents can believe what they want.

==On Psykers==
For most of their history the Black Templars didn't have any Librarians. This was generally thought as a pretty simple fact, they hate all forms of witches. They even have a special rule call "Abhor the Witch". That was until 6th edition when it was more explicitly stated that they had no real compunction against Astropaths and Navigators, since they were the only people who knew how to drive the massive Crusading fleets (pure undadulterated HOLY RAGE!! can't steer a ship through the Warp after all). Of course, this was always true since the BT always accepted those psykers that the Emperor himself had sanctioned (although they watched them closely), which includes Astropaths, Navigators and (surprise, surprise) the Grey Knights. Which invalidates the logic of the following paragraph.

According to the GW apologists, the major difference between their codex and 6E is their opinion on other psykers: In previous works, it was made pretty clear that they wouldn't suffer the witch no matter who they were (except for the aforementioned groups the Emperor sanctioned personally), and as such literally couldn't ally with any other psyker-using force except for the Grey Knights (and even then, it was AoC (Note: "AoC" is a 6th Ed construct)). Come the 6E Codex however, suddenly all their hatred for every psyker was scaled back to merely just being a hatred to all enemy psykers. Some may call this fluff-rape and all that in their neckbearded [[RAGE]], but others realize that setting up tons of restrictions would ultimately serve to cripple the Templars and ultimately just kept things easier by just generalizing it, to say nothing of the fact that the Emperor himself was a psyker. Not to mention the whole organization of sanctioned psykers used by the Imperium. Those guys were permitted to operate by...uh...someone, right? If it was the Imperial Senate, then they speak with the Emperor's voice, so the Black Templars can suck it. If it was literally anyone else with that kind of authority then it would be someone even closer to the Emperor in authority than merely his voice. So, the general hatred of psykers just isn't feasible anyway.

So it was changed. The Black Templars hatred is only towards alien and rogue psykers and that they have great respect for the ones in the fleet. So why no Librarians? There are three <s>theories</s> hypothesis in the codex:

*They still enforce the Edict of Nikaea. Considered most likely, given their [[Crunch|special rule]] "Abhor the Witch!"
*A gene-seed defect.
*They lost them during The Howling.

A small part of it likely has to do with their recruiting process. Since they recruit from the worlds they Crusade on, and they spend a decent amount of time purging renegade psykers, there probably aren't any psykers left for them to recruit and they're not likely to recruit Psykers found by somebody else. It still doesn't explain why they've never had a recorded incident of latent Psykers awakening once they've been recruited.

Rather hilariously, the Black Templars are not even certain why they don't have Librarians; because the Librarius usually maintains the records of the chapter, the Templars have allowed their understanding of history to fall into decay. For the time being, they have come to the conclusion that the loss of the Librarius is simply part of the Emperor's grand design, and should he see fit to bless them with Librarians again they would gladly use them.

Given how the Warp (and 40K in general) works as a genuine Clap Your Hands If You Believe setting, it could be that the Black Templar's own hatred of psykers causes any psykers or latent psykers they didn't realize were such to either become non-psykers or simply inactive/latent and remain that way.

==Notable members==
*''[[Sigismund]]'': First Chapter Master/Soul brother who made the chapter when Dorn broke the Legion up.
*''High Marshal [[Helbrecht]]'': Their current Chapter Master. Gets fucked up by Imotekh the Stormlord who proceeds to take his arm as a trophy. Helbrecht then manages to destroy his entire fucking flagship as retaliation. Currently on <s>a manhunt for [[Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka]] alongside [[Commissar Yarrick]]</s> Crusade to drive Chaos away from some Shrine Worlds.
*''Chaplain [[Grimaldus]]'': THE most badass [[Chaplain]] in the entire Godsdamn Imperium, with the possible exception of [[Lemartes]]. He fought the biggest Ork WAAAGH in history on a very old temple that had relics and artifacts that were sacred to the Imperium. The battle only ended after the temple collapsed and buried every Ork and Marine under the rubble. But since Grimaldus was too badass to die, he crawled out of the temple with a few relics he managed to save. And besides the guy has the word [[Grimdark|grim]] in his fucking name! How can he not be badass? The main caveat about his description is in his depiction in the book Helsreach, featuring Grimaldus' service in Armageddon leading up to his title as "Hero of Helsreach", where we learn he is equally skilled at tantrum-throwing/sulking, as he is kicking lots of ork ass. But to be fair, this isn't the Grimaldus we know and love as first. Helsreach is about him manning up under constant pressure, him finding he has to stop feeling like he has to be his old boss's bitch all the time and learning to be the butch. He does manage to man up and becomes the badass we all know and love (by the end of things, like, the very last second before a cathedral falls on him and knocks him out and not a second sooner). Plus, he had the stones to do it all WITHOUT A [[ROSARIUS]].
*''[[Tankred]]'': He who endures. Also is partial to bitches.
*''High Marshal Ludoldus'': A previous High Marshal notable for having led the Templars during two Crusades that were separated by over 2000 years, specifically the Vinculus Crusade (833.M41) and the Jerulas Crusade (645.M39). Considering that he was already High Marshall by the time of Vinculus, one can only conclude that Ludoldus was FUCKING OLD... and totally blows [[Dante]] out of the water as the guy even has ''old'' in his fucking name.
*''Castellan Draco'': notable role in the Vinculus crusade, notably in killing Inquisitor Lord Vinculus after he got possessed, but not after his own losses; that is, he got buried in rubble after lacing the cult's massive fortress with explosives. For his valiant efforts, he got his lost parts replaced with bionics, a relic suit of armour and Lord Vinculus' sword. Declared Excommunicate Traitoris in IF supplement, becoming the first SM special character with a model who turned traitor in 40k.
* ''High Marshal Bohemond'': Led the Chapter during the War of the Beast.
* ''Marshal Magneric'' See Tankred above imagine if he was in command of his own Crusade. Unlike most dreadnoughts he still kept his name and rank and rarely slept which made him into a crazy fanatic (and implied to be the source of the religious zeal) spends most of his days hunting his old BFF Warsmith Kalkator until Orks of The Beast showed up.

==Daily Rituals of a Black Templar==
Think [[Angry Marines]] but with less copious cursing.
* 03:50: Morning Call to Prayer: Initiates awaken their respective Neophytes from their comfortable slumber on bare stone floors. This often involves buckets of ice water, vox-casters playing hymns with the volume control knob broken off, or a power armor shod foot up the ass depending on the Initiate in question. Complaints that this awakening occurred ten minutes prior to scheduled reveille are met with readmistration of the waking aid.
* 04:00: Morning Prayer: Neophytes are berated for their perceived failings by their responsible Initiates, who are in turn berated by the Sword Brethren, the Sword Brethren by the Castellans, up to the Marshal who berates the entire Fleet then swears a solemn vow to an icon of the Emperor that they will do better and prove themselves worthy by stabbing heretics in the throat with their swords. Tactics may also be discussed and orders of battle issued, assuming they involve rushing headlong at the enemy.
* 05:00: Morning Firing Rites: The Initiates school their apprentices on the art of shooting xenos in the face while simultaneously swinging a chainsword. This shooting preferably occurs while rushing across the active firing range in order to close with the target and hit it with the bolt pistol if possible.
* 07:00: Morning Battle Practice: Initiates inform their neophytes that if they are done being cowardly whelps they may now avail themselves of a sword with which to stab shit.
* 11:55: Milk and cookies break. Any neophytes stupid enough to drink milk or eat cookies
* 12:00: Midday Prayer: Neophytes are told how poorly they did during the morning exercises, any sense of pride or joy is rooted out. The Marshal leads the Fleet in prayer and promises the Emperor they will kill more things even more righteously this afternoon.
* 13:00: Midday Meal: The chapter serfs provide cold cuts for the Brothers' enjoyment. Lunchmeat is usually collected by the serfs following each battle and stored in the ships' freezers.
* 13:15: Tactical Indoctrination: Locations of the vital organs and blood vessels of xenos species that may be encountered on the current Crusade and the weak spots of Daemons are reviewed, occasionally an Initiate will cuff his Neophyte on the back of the head and reiterate "Yes that, you stab that retard." Other tactics may also be discussed as long as they involve inserting blades into things.
* 14:00: Afternoon Battle Practice: Initiates attempt to kill their Neophyte with a power sword. If the Neophyte is not dead in four hours he passes muster.
* 18:00: Evening Firing Rites: Neophytes are instructed in how to operate heavy and specialty weaponry dropped by their responsible Initiate when he abandons it so that he may swing his sword with both hands to better kill shit or is eaten by a monstrous creature which he bravely <s>(read:stupidly)</s> (read:RIGHTEOUSLY) tried to skullfuck in CQC.
* 20:00: Evening Prayer: After short session of critique and berating, the Emperors' Champion leads a sermon about how awesome the [[God-Emperor of Mankind|Emprah]] is and how much He wants them to bifurcate/decapitate the current heretics/mutants/xenos they are fighting with power weapons.
* 21:00: Evening Meal: A feast is served by the chapter serfs. Alcohol and anything that has a pleasant taste will not be consumed as the Emperor looks down on those that enjoy life. No hamburger, no cheeseburgers, no french fries, no milkshakes, no potato chips; you will drink water distilled from the Fleet's waste/reactor AND LIKE IT!
* 21:30: Night-fighting/zero-gravity exercises: Initiates instruct their charges on stabbing things by the glow of a power sword and how to fight in a zero-gravity environment without jump packs (stab foe, use corpse as a springboard to assault another foe, repeat).
* 23:15: Wargear Maintenance: Initiates encourage Neophytes to keep weapons in proper working order with phrases like, "Sharpen your shit you incompetent bastard" as the Emperor reserves great disdain for those that kill heretics with dull blades.
* 23:45: Free time: The Initiate is free to challenge his Neophyte to a short duel. Wounds heal better during sleep anyway.
* 00:00 Rest period: The Initiate sees his Neophyte off to bed, with one last punch to the face to help him fall asleep. The Sword Brethren then punch the Initiates in the face before they retire for rest period.

Note that this constitutes a day off for a Black Templar. A working day will involve 23 hours of rushing monstrous creatures with melee weapons. Neophytes are expected to pull bullet sponge duty so the Initiate is not distracted by little things like enemy gunfire (and that their spilled blood will allow the Initiates to glide on the ground to their enemy faster) as seen here:

===Black Templar Combat Training===
Brother-Initiate Teuton McTemplar: "Neophyte, get your ass over here and hold my Lascannon while I charge that [[Carnifex]] with my Power Fist!"

Neophyte Hans Wolfgang: "But sir I have not yet earned my power armour and a Lascannon weighs 100 kilos..."

Brother-Initiate Teuton McTemplar: "You are going to pick up that spotlight and burn some fucking xenos, and you are going to like it!"

Note: It would be nice if this could happen, but in reality, you can only arm Neophytes with shotguns or bolt pistols with CCWs, though you were able to arm an initiate with both a Lascannon and a Power Fist in their original codex. Hilariously too you could go completely overboard and have one marine armed with a Power fist, three bolt pistols (or two bolt pistols and a bolter), a Chainsword, a Power Weapon, a Heavy Bolter, a Missile Launcher (or a Multi-Melta), a Lascannon, and a Plasma Cannon [[Obliterators|ALL AT THE SAME TIME]] (though while funny is still a terrible thing to put on the battlefield as he can still only fire one per turn, pistols notwithstanding). Talk about a jack of all trades...

==See Also==
*[[Warhammer 40,000/Tactics/Black Templar|Tactics/Black Templar]]
*Their [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lrs9nIITQk| theme] by [[HMKids]].
*Also their [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P0TzUNti3rY| theme] by Andrew W.K.
*Their [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyAEBux88hw| '''ONE TRUE ULTIMATE THEME] by [https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCqGKtkZ8-MlAeTVL0fFAMnw| StringStorm].
*An accurate representation of their daily lives https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GaUi8Dv73hA
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUplioG2DC4| The unofficial animated version of Helsreach.]
*Their thoughts on [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xrJVZZLv2GE| furfags. ]
*Their continued campaign against the [https://youtu.be/j02V_34PXZg| furfags. ]

==Gallery==
<gallery>
Image:Templar Terminator.jpg|Actually pretty nice guys, once you get to know them.
Image:1206768954856.jpg|They also like to sing.
Image:howdoipurge.png
Image:bffs.jpg
Image:Imheretopurgehereticsandchewbubblegumandimalloutofbubblegum.jpg|Look at them hips.
Image:Black templar terminator by deadxcross.jpg|When you want to purge as much Heretics and Xenos as possible.
Image:A not so Little Sister by DeadXCross.jpg|They can even inspire zealots of their own.
</gallery>

{{Template:Marines-Official}}