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Black Templars

2020-04-30T04:04:28Z

2601:443:47F:3CA0:6460:126F:3328:EFAE:

{{Infobox Spess Mahreen Chapter
|Name = Black Templars
|Heraldry = [[File:Blacktemplarslogo.png|250px]]
|Battle Cry = "No pity! No remorse! No fear!"
|Number =
|Founding = [[Second Founding]]
|Successors of = [[Imperial Fists]]
|Successor Chapters =
|Chapter Master = [[Helbrecht]]
|Primarch = [[Rogal Dorn]]
|Homeworld = ''Eternal Crusader'' (fleet-based)
|Specialty = Assault, close combat, being massive try-hards
|Strength = In the thousands (Reports about their crusades are unsure)
|Allegiance = [[Imperium of Man]]
|Colours = Black and white [[Pauldrons|shoulder pads]]
}}
{{awesome}}

{{topquote|They are rage, brutal, without mercy. But you? You will be '''worse'''. [[Rip and Tear]], until it is '''DONE'''.|The only order that matters.}}

{{Topquote|I have dug my grave in this place and I will either triumph or I will die!|Relcusiarch Grimaldus, Hero of Helsreach}}

{{Topquote|WHERE IS YOUR GOD? OH YEAH, HE'S WITH ME NOW!!|Rare Black Templar war cry/motto}}

The '''Black Templars''' are a [[Second Founding]] [[Space Marine Chapter]] of the [[Imperial Fists]]. These [[Space Marines|Space Marines]] are as manly as the [[Manly Marines]] and as angry as the [[Angry Marines]]. They make a hobby of dressing up as the Knights Hospitaller and trolling the Inquisition with their larger-than-Codex-approved numbers. They're righteously angry for the [[God-Emperor of Mankind|Emperor]], they're usually close combat focused and their idea of a charge is a giant zerg rush of a hundred angry Crusaders who won't hesitate to skullfuck the nearest alien/mutant/heretic with their powersword just because they look funny. [[Rip and Tear|Although they don't need swords that much...]]

The Black Templars and their iconography are of a mixture of the Knights Templar, Teutonic Knights and the Knights Hospitaller. Basically if you need someone's shit pushed in hard by a power armored fist, these are the guys you call.

==About the Black Templars==
[[Image:Blacktempbeinbadass.jpg|thumb|left|"I came here to Purge Heretics and pray in chapels of the Emperor. And I don't see any Chapels."]]

The Black Templars have their origins in the first company of the [[Great Crusade]]-Era Imperial Fists, a group originally known as the Templar Brethren. They wore all-black armor and had black crosses on their right pauldron and shields, and were sworn to protect the Temple of Oaths (OK, the reality is that [[Forge World]] wanted to justify including Black Templars into [[Horus Heresy]]. They're really more Templar than Imperial Fist at this point already). Their Commander and First Captain of the Imperial Fists, [[Sigismund]], started the tradition of the Emperor's Champion, in which a Templar would challenge the enemy's champions to single combat. After the Heresy had ended and [[Roboute Guilliman]] called for the [[Second Founding]], Sigismund took his Templar Brethren to found the Black Templars.

They express their [[Rage|fury]] through burning [[Codex Astartes|heretical texts]] (as kindling for the actual heretics), pwning [[furry|mutants]], [[Angry Marines|and skull fucking aliens]]. But you might say, "Isn't that what every other Spess Mehreen chapter does?" Well you'd be right, but they are the most pro-active about it, celebrations on finishing one Crusade involve declaring a new Crusade, recruits are taken from all the planets they've been on then sent to join the fighting so that they never have to slow down, and they usually fight by zerg rushing their enemies with hundreds (and sometimes thousands) of heavily power armoured super humans holding power weapons while screaming a litany of curses at the top of their superhuman lungs. Also unlike other Chapters, they don't have scout teams, as they think they're not righteously angry enough. Instead all new Neophytes (read: meatshields) are given some crap and schooled in the field by a fully appointed Marine (called an "Initiate").

Basically, the Black Templars focus on ''winning'' and ''killing everything'' as opposed to the normal Space Marine actions which prioritize glory and challenges. Most Space Marines would see a concentration of powerful enemies and charge in guns blazing. A Black Templar would call in a Whirlwind strike and walk on their corpses. To them, glory comes from simply murderizing the absolute '''''fuck''''' out of the enemies of man. They come in like a hurricane of death instead of the normal Astartes "Knights in SPAAAAACEEE!!!" shtick. They are not space monks, though they are pious. They are not knights, though they look the part. They are single-minded slaughter machines that retain just enough humanity to relate to...and just little enough to evoke deep dread in all who cross their path. This might also be part of the reason for their high numbers. Since they're so focused on just plain winning, they don't stupidly endanger themselves when a more effective and efficient method is available. They also fight to win rather than to show how powerful they are or to strike fear into the heart of the enemy or boost friendly morale or anything. They don't bother with that stuff, that's what the Emperor's Champion is for. No, the Black Templars just fucking '''kill'''.

The Black Templars are '''THE''' largest loyalist ([[Derp|"codex following"]]) chapter, estimated to have at least over two thousand marines in their ranks. This is primarily because the Black Templars sometimes split their crusade fleets to achive different campaing goals and they're scattered throughout the galaxy so the correct number of Templars in active service is only known by [[Helbrecht]], himself High Marshal of the Black Templars. This means that their chapter alone could wipe out the [[Tau|weeaboo communists]] or almost [[Rape|every faction]] if they were drawn together in one place. Of course this would twist the nipples of the Inquisition and move the setting of 40k along, so don't expect it to happen anytime soon (read:ever). Unfortunately they're unwilling to fight beside psykers except for Grey Knights, they got all buddy-buddy with them fairly quickly, enough so that they willingly shared the STCs for the [[Land Raider|Land Raider Crusader]] with them, mind-wipes not withstanding of course. They are descended from the [[Imperial Fists]], but obviously got more of Dorn's angry [[Gene Seed|splooge]] than his [[Imperial Fists|patient splooge]]. They sometimes get to wear cool Crusader helms, which are at least ten times as [[Awesome|awesome]] as the [[beakie]]s' Corvus helms.

The new Space Marines codex has changed several things about the chapter. It now states they worship the Emperor as a God like the larger Imperium and they have close ties with the Ecclesiarchy. This also makes them good friends with the [[Sisters of Battle]], whom they regularly team up with and have several alliances with. Emperor pity the heretics who have to face both of these groups of zealous nutters at once.

Alternatively, you could choose to ignore the fluff in the new codex that says that they worship the Emperor, as it is wrong and demonstrates a clear Ward-like level of disregard for previous, and better, fluff as it also says that out of all Astartes chapters, only the Black Templars worship the Emperor. This contradicts several novels that say the chapters they revolve around worship him. The first that come to mind are James Swallows series on the Blood Angels. THEN there's the fact that Grimaldus, the Black Templars' High Chaplain (you know, guy who knows better than anyone else what they believe), said that they DO NOT worship him in ADB's sequel to Helsreach, Blood and Fire.

<s>Shame the newer fluff decanonizes the old, but advancement is advancement.</s> Games Workshop says ''everything is canon'' so the debate is pointless. Besides, GW itself consistently holds that Space Marines do not worship the Emperor. GW lore even goes into details explaining that the Imperium accepts it as a quirk due to them being so physically and spiritually close to him that he only ''seems'' less divine to the Space Marines. The Inquisition and Ecclesiarchy don't like it, though. So, we have GW say "everything is canon" (In a multiple layers of reality due to Warp fuckery sort of way) and we have GW ''also'' saying that Space Marines do not worship the Emperor. Since they ''own'' Warhammer 40,000 we can safely say that Space Marines not worshiping the Emperor is the norm but there might be exceptions. Of which the Black Templars are not among them. They're utterly fanatical in enforcing the Emperor's will. Not what the Ecclesiarchy or Imperial Senate claims is his will, but his actual will. They refuse to work with (and often butcher) psykers because the Emperor said psykers and sorcery were no-nos. Logically, this means they would also respect his decree not to worship him and that he is not a god. The Black Templars were a Second Founding Chapter, so they would be fully aware of that.

As a curious aside, the Chapter's "fuck the man" policy has lead them to collect some odd friends. They are the only known allies for a few chapters, including the [[Celestial Lions]], [[Libators]], and [[Star Phantoms]].

==Accomplishments==
*Vowing to go on an Eternal Crusade as part of their deal during the Second Founding and [[awesome|keeping it going non-stop for 10,000 years without getting killed or so diminished they had to settle down to rebuild!]] (Which is a really impressive feat even for superhuman Astartes.) Although the [[Horus Heresy]] novels have revealed that Sigismund didn't start this voluntarily, he was ''exiled'' by [[Rogal Dorn]], and a lot of their more notable traits - like their absolute hatred of psykers - stems from Sigismund's [[butthurt]] over how he got exiled in the first place.
*Not forgetting about the Chaos Space Marines who fled into the Eye of Terror. When Abaddon and company first busted back out of the Eye of Terror, Sigismund was up in their business within the hour. And he nearly killed Abaddon.
*Taking back a hundred planets that were stolen by the [[Tau|blue space socialists]] after the Ultramarines realized the Tyranids were heading their way and left.
*Killing an alien psyker and accidentally blowing out ten billion astropaths in the process, <del>[[Derp|oops]]</del> [[Just As Planned|just as planned]]. To be fair, said psyker was too powerful to let live and the Black Templars didn’t know its power would explode (which implies this was not normal for psykers).
*Wiping out countless alien species and actually sparing one alien species that was worshiping "The Voice of the Emperor" when they got there. They only destroyed their temples just in case this voice wasn't [[Emperor|talking about who they thought it was.]]
*Successfully capturing [[Cypher]]! Then they were [[Fallen_Angels#Ophidium_Gulf_Crusade_incident|forced at gunpoint to hand him off]] to the Dark Angels chapter [[Just As Planned|where he almost immediately escapes.]]
*The Second Siege of Terra! When some crazy ass High Lord of Terra named Goge Vandire [[Age of Apostasy|usurped all power in Imperium]], thinking that he can do everything he wants, he wiped out some Templar fortresses with orbital strikes and when they found out they got all righteous angry! Assisting '''[[Sebastian Thor]]''', the Templars gather around a thousand Crusaders and along with some other Chapters as well as the Martian techno-guard; the Black Templars, with all fury, wage a frakkin second siege of Terra! (The insignificant detail they did get fought to a stalemate by the [[Sisters of Battle|bolter bitches]] until [[Adeptus Custodes|Big E.'s guardians]] told the lasses Vandire was a heretic tends to get glossed over. IMPERATORIS VULT!)

==Organization==
Since the Imperial Fists told [[Roboute_Guilliman|Papa Smurf]] to go fuck himself and his [[Codex Astartes|Codex]], the Black Templars have an organization different from Codex Chapters. They organize themselves into Fighting Companies, with much of it on the fly. Their ranks and positions include:

*'''High Marshal''': The Chapter Master of the Black Templars, who decides which Crusades the Black Templars will participate in, without bothering for an okay from the [[High Lords of Terra]]. [[Helbrecht]] serves as the current High Marshal. Interestingly enough, in their original Codex the High Marshal and regular Marshals typically do not go face to face with the enemy (to the point where Helbrecht never actually touched down in the Third War for Armageddon, he stayed in space dictating the orbital battle), [[Reasonable Marines|Marshals and High Marshals prefer to stay back assessing the battlefield]] and advising the various squads through their communicators about where they should strike and shoot to make the most out of their troops.
*'''Marshal''': The commander of a Crusade, a Marshal is equivalent to a Captain, they're the ones that lead the individual Crusades. When a Crusade is called and there is no Marshal to lead it a candidate is chosen from among the sword brethren and if the High Marshal thinks he is fit for the task appointed Marshal. There has only ever been one case of a candidate being rejected by the High Marshall. It is from the ranks of the Marshals that the new High Marshal is picked should he fall in battle.
*'''Emperor's Champion''': Before an undertaking usually during battle preparations, one of the Black Templars may have a vision granted by the Emperor. This knight will be declared by the [[Chaplain]]s to be the Emperor's Champion, as their founder Sigismund was ten millennia ago. He will be given the Black Sword and the Armour of Faith, and serve as an inspiration to the rest of the Crusading host. As with the first Emperor's Champion, Sigismund, it is the sole duty of those who bear the title to seek out and challenge any enemy champion the crusading force meets in battle. Things usually go badly if a Crusade doesn't have an Emperor's Champion. If he is killed before his mission is complete it is considered an ill omen indeed. It is unknown what happens to the knight who is chosen after the completion of a Crusade as none have been shown to survive long enough for it to matter. Other chapters, most usually Imperial Fist's successors, occasionally have an Emperor's Champion who serves a similar purpose but without the artifacts.
*'''Castellan''': The lieutenants of the Marshal, a temporary position chosen by the Marshals (one guy cannot be everywhere) and who is a Castellan can vary depending on the current Crusade or even the current battle ([[Reasonable Marines|pick who's best to lead the current fight]]). The Castellans lead the Fighting Companies of a Crusade, and they're also chosen from the Sword Brethren.
*'''Sergeant''': The only Codex rank the Black Templars employ. Also from the Sword Brethren (notice a pattern, yet?).
*'''Sword Brethren''': Roughly analogous to Veterans in Codex Chapters, Sword Brethren are the senior battle brothers of the Marshal. They also get to use [[Terminator]] armour.
*'''Initiates''': Rank and file battle-brothers. Marines (typically Neophytes) dying around them has a beneficial effect on Initiates, making them run harder into enemy gunfire for reasons unknown and oft-speculated upon.
*'''Neophytes''': While most Chapters have their neophytes serve in some sort of recon force, the Black Templars have their new Space Marines join the Crusade at the front lines and hit the ground running. Given that this has worked for ten thousand years, they may be onto something. Every Neophyte is assigned to an Initiate who is to train and tutor them. The Neophyte serves as the apprentice to the Initiate, sort of like Jedi in [[Star Wars]] but the Neophyte gets smacked if they even dare bitch about sand. They are also quite useful to Initiates to use as shields (literally) in battle.

===Chapter Strength===
[[Image:Praykillburn.jpg|400px|thumb|right|It's a lot like this, really.]]
Despite being a Codex Chapter (well, they're a Codex Chapter as of the newest Codex), they basically just cherry pick whatever they want from it. In particular, they're exploiting a loophole in the Codex Astartes that says a Crusading Chapter can go above the limit of 1,000 Marines, because they don't have a Fortress Monastery, a disastrous campaign or Warp mishap could destroy the entire Chapter if not for this stipulation. The Black Templars, however, take this to mean "have as many Marines as you want!" Seeing as they have multiple Crusades at once, they must be the best Marines around. Seeing as every other Crusading Chapter has roughly a thousand Marines (usually less). Guess that's what happens when you genuinely embrace righteous fury and unleash it upon the alien, the mutant, and the heretic.

However, it's not actually clear how many Marines they actually ''have.'' Some [[neckbeards]] (both fanboys and bitter opponents) exaggerate the actual numbers, referring to them as [[First Founding#Legions in 40k|legion strength]] and/or believing that their numbers are figuratively ''without limit'' and end up with ridiculously high guesses. Given the vagaries of in-universe time due to warp phenomena and the inevitable depletion of assets due to the nature of their work, as well as the fact that they have shit record keeping due to a complete lack of [[Librarian]]s, the actual number of active Templars would be in constant flux.

In ''Blood and Fire,'' Grimaldus mentions that they typically have dozens of Crusades going on at any point in time; [[Deathwatch (RPG)|other sources]] tell us that the Black Templars as an entire Chapter actually consist of a total of three '''"primary"''' Crusade fleets from which all other fighting companies are split from and deployed on their own '''"secondary"''' Crusades when necessary. This coincides with the original codex, which said that there were usually no more than three Crusades at any given time but that they can stretch themselves according to necessity, and states that in one exceptional case there were up to fourteen Crusades operating in the Segmentum Solar during the Treachery of Dalmark.

If we were to base the numbers off the estimate in the back of the 4th edition Codex: Black Templars, the deployment map totals greater than 6000 marines, with several of those Crusades routinely exceeding 500 marines. But when you factor in normal redeployment over the years that number isn't very helpful as many of those Crusades were finished by the time others arose. When you consider it like that, [[Blood Angels|many]] [[Minotaurs|other]] [[Dark Angels|chapters]] have deployed en masse over the years and would also generate a similar deployment map. Furthermore, only a handful of Crusades numbered relatively close to one thousand, with only Armageddon passing it, with 1,232 Marines total and even that number was questioned (?) by the author; for this campaign, High Marshal [[Helbrecht]] was said to have mustered three crusades.

So we can either take it as written in the Order of Battle that the three crusades represent the "normal" three crusades and hence the entire chapter, giving us an absolute ''minimum'' of over 1000 marines, or we can assume that the three crusades are not the primary crusades at all, which still doesn't give us much of an indication of the chapter size, leaving us at square one.

To make things even more confusing, each Crusade will be accompanied by a '''Black Sword''' and a set of the Armour of Faith, to be used by the Emperor's Champion. The 4E codex said that every Crusade and fighting company would have its own Champion, but the 6E Codex and the newer novels changed this older fluff and said that there could only be a ''single'' Champion in the entire Chapter at any given time, and that only a handful arise every century. Plus, there are only ten Black Swords in the Chapter and they are held by the Chaplains, just in case they find the Champion within their Crusade. This implies that there can only be ten Crusades active at any one time; hence, if the three Crusades at Armageddon, taken to be around 1,232, are three-tenths of the Chapter's overall size, the Black Templars have around 4,000 marines.

However, the novel ''Eternal Crusader'' flat-out says that the whole Chapter could gather together on the [[Battle-barge|Eternal Crusader]] itself and barely tax the capabilities of the vessel, and that ''"the mere'"'' 200 marines of Helbrecht's Crusade, which constituted one fifth of the Black Templars' total forces, meant that the vessel was mostly empty, making them far more Chapter sized. The book also shows High Marshal Helbrecht purposefully exaggerating the size of his contingent at Armageddon from 400 marines to 900 in order to gain overall command of the Astartes forces that had arrived ''(many Chapters had brought a lot more men than the Templars, and would have had more right to overall command)''. Helbrecht would later leave Armageddon briefly to muster [[A Game of Pretend|"more"]] Black Templars ''(but only bringing the number up to what he promised)'', so it is easy to see how the size of his contingent would be misleading to an outside observer.

The old Codex also suggested somewhere between 5000-6000 ''"if certain accounts are to be believed"'' which places a level of uncertainty on the number, and if you consider the above statement would sound reasonable if you took Helbrecht at his word about the availability to Black Templar soldiers and could easily show how the Administratum has been misled into thinking the Templars are much larger than they actually are. [[Aaron Dembski-Bowden|A-D-B]] also suggested about 6000 in an offhand comment; therefore, it is currently our highest reasonable upper limit without resorting to guesses.

----
[https://guyhaley.wordpress.com/2014/07/11/im-baaaacccckkk/#comment-5779 The author of ''Eternal Crusader'' later acknowledged on his blog that the Black Templars could have maintained extreme numbers in the past, but that the overall strength of the Chapter was reduced to a thousand (more or less) as result of a corporate decision by GW, not just of the codex authors.] Heresy!

It is perhaps best to repeat the Black Library's own take on the fluff: 40k is in the fucking dark ages and everything written down could be a legend, propaganda, an event that happened, or a rumor based on a real event. Any guess as to the number of Marines in the Black Templars is just that, a guess, and a book offers only the author's point of view, or what he wants you to think, or he himself is a fabrications.

8th Edition still maintains the information confusion over the Black Templar's actual numbers, just like before. While the Imperial Index states that ''"each Black Templars battle-fleet contains thousands of warriors."'' The actual Space Marine Codex states that "''the size of each can vary from several battle-brothers to several hundred"'' and though it says there is no fixed number of Crusades, they are still each accompanied by a Black Sword in case the Emperor's Champion arises, and there are still only nine swords (Guilliman destroyed one to defeat Skarbrand during the events of Rise of the Primarch). So all told, not much seems to have changed, fanboys and opponents can believe what they want.

==On Psykers==
For most of their history the Black Templars didn't have any Librarians. This was generally thought as a pretty simple fact, they hate all forms of witches. They even have a special rule call "Abhor the Witch". That was until 6th edition when it was more explicitly stated that they had no real compunction against Astropaths and Navigators, since they were the only people who knew how to drive the massive Crusading fleets (pure undadulterated HOLY RAGE!! can't steer a ship through the Warp after all). Of course, this was always true since the BT always accepted those psykers that the Emperor himself had sanctioned (although they watched them closely), which includes Astropaths, Navigators and (surprise, surprise) the Grey Knights. Which invalidates the logic of the following paragraph.

According to the GW apologists, the major difference between their codex and 6E is their opinion on other psykers: In previous works, it was made pretty clear that they wouldn't suffer the witch no matter who they were (except for the aforementioned groups the Emperor sanctioned personally), and as such literally couldn't ally with any other psyker-using force except for the Grey Knights (and even then, it was AoC (Note: "AoC" is a 6th Ed construct)). Come the 6E Codex however, suddenly all their hatred for every psyker was scaled back to merely just being a hatred to all enemy psykers. Some may call this fluff-rape and all that in their neckbearded [[RAGE]], but others realize that setting up tons of restrictions would ultimately serve to cripple the Templars and ultimately just kept things easier by just generalizing it, to say nothing of the fact that the Emperor himself was a psyker. Not to mention the whole organization of sanctioned psykers used by the Imperium. Those guys were permitted to operate by...uh...someone, right? If it was the Imperial Senate, then they speak with the Emperor's voice, so the Black Templars can suck it. If it was literally anyone else with that kind of authority then it would be someone even closer to the Emperor in authority than merely his voice. So, the general hatred of psykers just isn't feasible anyway.

So it was changed. The Black Templars hatred is only towards alien and rogue psykers and that they have great respect for the ones in the fleet. So why no Librarians? There are three <s>theories</s> hypothesis in the codex:

*They still enforce the Edict of Nikaea. Considered most likely, given their [[Crunch|special rule]] "Abhor the Witch!"
*A gene-seed defect.
*They lost them during The Howling.

A small part of it likely has to do with their recruiting process. Since they recruit from the worlds they Crusade on, and they spend a decent amount of time purging renegade psykers, there probably aren't any psykers left for them to recruit and they're not likely to recruit Psykers found by somebody else. It still doesn't explain why they've never had a recorded incident of latent Psykers awakening once they've been recruited.

Rather hilariously, the Black Templars are not even certain why they don't have Librarians; because the Librarius usually maintains the records of the chapter, the Templars have allowed their understanding of history to fall into decay. For the time being, they have come to the conclusion that the loss of the Librarius is simply part of the Emperor's grand design, and should he see fit to bless them with Librarians again they would gladly use them.

Given how the Warp (and 40K in general) works as a genuine Clap Your Hands If You Believe setting, it could be that the Black Templar's own hatred of psykers causes any psykers or latent psykers they didn't realize were such to either become non-psykers or simply inactive/latent and remain that way.

==Notable members==
*''[[Sigismund]]'': First Chapter Master/Soul brother who made the chapter when Dorn broke the Legion up.
*''High Marshal [[Helbrecht]]'': Their current Chapter Master. Gets fucked up by Imotekh the Stormlord who proceeds to take his arm as a trophy. Helbrecht then manages to destroy his entire fucking flagship as retaliation. Currently on <s>a manhunt for [[Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka]] alongside [[Commissar Yarrick]]</s> Crusade to drive Chaos away from some Shrine Worlds.
*''Chaplain [[Grimaldus]]'': THE most badass [[Chaplain]] in the entire Godsdamn Imperium, with the possible exception of [[Lemartes]]. He fought the biggest Ork WAAAGH in history on a very old temple that had relics and artifacts that were sacred to the Imperium. The battle only ended after the temple collapsed and buried every Ork and Marine under the rubble. But since Grimaldus was too badass to die, he crawled out of the temple with a few relics he managed to save. And besides the guy has the word [[Grimdark|grim]] in his fucking name! How can he not be badass? The main caveat about his description is in his depiction in the book Helsreach, featuring Grimaldus' service in Armageddon leading up to his title as "Hero of Helsreach", where we learn he is equally skilled at tantrum-throwing/sulking, as he is kicking lots of ork ass. But to be fair, this isn't the Grimaldus we know and love as first. Helsreach is about him manning up under constant pressure, him finding he has to stop feeling like he has to be his old boss's bitch all the time and learning to be the butch. He does manage to man up and becomes the badass we all know and love (by the end of things, like, the very last second before a cathedral falls on him and knocks him out and not a second sooner). Plus, he had the stones to do it all WITHOUT A [[ROSARIUS]].
*''[[Tankred]]'': He who endures. Also is partial to bitches.
*''High Marshal Ludoldus'': A previous High Marshal notable for having led the Templars during two Crusades that were separated by over 2000 years, specifically the Vinculus Crusade (833.M41) and the Jerulas Crusade (645.M39). Considering that he was already High Marshall by the time of Vinculus, one can only conclude that Ludoldus was FUCKING OLD... and totally blows [[Dante]] out of the water as the guy even has ''old'' in his fucking name.
*''Castellan Draco'': notable role in the Vinculus crusade, notably in killing Inquisitor Lord Vinculus after he got possessed, but not after his own losses; that is, he got buried in rubble after lacing the cult's massive fortress with explosives. For his valiant efforts, he got his lost parts replaced with bionics, a relic suit of armour and Lord Vinculus' sword. Declared Excommunicate Traitoris in IF supplement, becoming the first SM special character with a model who turned traitor in 40k.
* ''High Marshal Bohemond'': Led the Chapter during the War of the Beast.
* ''Marshal Magneric'' See Tankred above imagine if he was in command of his own Crusade. Unlike most dreadnoughts he still kept his name and rank and rarely slept which made him into a crazy fanatic (and implied to be the source of the religious zeal) spends most of his days hunting his old BFF Warsmith Kalkator until Orks of The Beast showed up.

==Daily Rituals of a Black Templar==
Think [[Angry Marines]] but with less copious cursing.
* 03:50: Morning Call to Prayer: Initiates awaken their respective Neophytes from their comfortable slumber on bare stone floors. This often involves buckets of ice water, vox-casters playing hymns with the volume control knob broken off, or a power armor shod foot up the ass depending on the Initiate in question. Complaints that this awakening occurred ten minutes prior to scheduled reveille are met with readmistration of the waking aid.
* 04:00: Morning Prayer: Neophytes are berated for their perceived failings by their responsible Initiates, who are in turn berated by the Sword Brethren, the Sword Brethren by the Castellans, up to the Marshal who berates the entire Fleet then swears a solemn vow to an icon of the Emperor that they will do better and prove themselves worthy by stabbing heretics in the throat with their swords. Tactics may also be discussed and orders of battle issued, assuming they involve rushing headlong at the enemy.
* 05:00: Morning Firing Rites: The Initiates school their apprentices on the art of shooting xenos in the face while simultaneously swinging a chainsword. This shooting preferably occurs while rushing across the active firing range in order to close with the target and hit it with the bolt pistol if possible.
* 07:00: Morning Battle Practice: Initiates inform their neophytes that if they are done being cowardly whelps they may now avail themselves of a sword with which to stab shit.
* 11:55: Milk and cookies break. Any neophytes stupid enough to drink milk or eat cookies in front of their Initiate gets their meal pushed in their noses and eyeballs respectively. Things get interesting if they dipped their cookies in their milk.
* 12:00: Midday Prayer: Neophytes are told how poorly they did during the morning exercises, any sense of pride or joy is rooted out. The Marshal leads the Fleet in prayer and promises the Emperor they will kill more things even more righteously this afternoon.
* 13:00: Midday Meal: The chapter serfs provide cold cuts for the Brothers' enjoyment. Lunchmeat is usually collected by the serfs following each battle and stored in the ships' freezers. Naturally, Neophytes do not get something to eat yet as the Initiates insult them for even assuming they get to eat. The Neophytes soon learn that the Emperor has a sense of humor when the Initiates are informed that only Sword Brethren on up are allowed to eat.
* 13:15: Tactical Indoctrination: Locations of the vital organs and blood vessels of xenos species that may be encountered on the current Crusade and the weak spots of Daemons are reviewed, occasionally an Initiate will cuff his Neophyte on the back of the head and reiterate "Yes that, you stab that retard." Other tactics may also be discussed as long as they involve inserting blades into things.
* 14:00: Afternoon Battle Practice: Initiates attempt to kill their Neophyte with a power sword. If the Neophyte is not dead in four hours he passes muster.
* 18:00: Evening Firing Rites: Neophytes are instructed in how to operate heavy and specialty weaponry dropped by their responsible Initiate when he abandons it so that he may swing his sword with both hands to better kill shit or is eaten by a monstrous creature which he bravely <s>(read:stupidly)</s> (read:RIGHTEOUSLY) tried to skullfuck in CQC.
* 20:00: Evening Prayer: After short session of critique and berating, the Emperors' Champion leads a sermon about how awesome the [[God-Emperor of Mankind|Emprah]] is and how much He wants them to bifurcate/decapitate the current heretics/mutants/xenos they are fighting with power weapons.
* 21:00: Evening Meal: A feast is served by the chapter serfs. Alcohol and anything that has a pleasant taste will not be consumed as the Emperor looks down on those that enjoy life. No hamburger, no cheeseburgers, no french fries, no milkshakes, no potato chips; you will drink water distilled from the Fleet's waste/reactor AND LIKE IT!
* 21:30: Night-fighting/zero-gravity exercises: Initiates instruct their charges on stabbing things by the glow of a power sword and how to fight in a zero-gravity environment without jump packs (stab foe, use corpse as a springboard to assault another foe, repeat).
* 23:15: Wargear Maintenance: Initiates encourage Neophytes to keep weapons in proper working order with phrases like, "Sharpen your shit you incompetent bastard" as the Emperor reserves great disdain for those that kill heretics with dull blades.
* 23:45: Free time: The Initiate is free to challenge his Neophyte to a short duel. Wounds heal better during sleep anyway.
* 00:00 Rest period: The Initiate sees his Neophyte off to bed, with one last punch to the face to help him fall asleep. The Sword Brethren then punch the Initiates in the face before they retire for rest period.

Note that this constitutes a day off for a Black Templar. A working day will involve 23 hours of rushing monstrous creatures with melee weapons. Neophytes are expected to pull bullet sponge duty so the Initiate is not distracted by little things like enemy gunfire (and that their spilled blood will allow the Initiates to glide on the ground to their enemy faster) as seen here:

===Black Templar Combat Training===
Brother-Initiate Teuton McTemplar: "Neophyte, get your ass over here and hold my Lascannon while I charge that [[Carnifex]] with my Power Fist!"

Neophyte Hans Wolfgang: "But sir I have not yet earned my power armour and a Lascannon weighs 100 kilos..."

Brother-Initiate Teuton McTemplar: "You are going to pick up that spotlight and burn some fucking xenos, and you are going to like it!"

Note: It would be nice if this could happen, but in reality, you can only arm Neophytes with shotguns or bolt pistols with CCWs, though you were able to arm an initiate with both a Lascannon and a Power Fist in their original codex. Hilariously too you could go completely overboard and have one marine armed with a Power fist, three bolt pistols (or two bolt pistols and a bolter), a Chainsword, a Power Weapon, a Heavy Bolter, a Missile Launcher (or a Multi-Melta), a Lascannon, and a Plasma Cannon [[Obliterators|ALL AT THE SAME TIME]] (though while funny is still a terrible thing to put on the battlefield as he can still only fire one per turn, pistols notwithstanding). Talk about a jack of all trades...

==See Also==
*[[Warhammer 40,000/Tactics/Black Templar|Tactics/Black Templar]]
*Their [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lrs9nIITQk| theme] by [[HMKids]].
*Also their [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P0TzUNti3rY| theme] by Andrew W.K.
*Their [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyAEBux88hw| '''ONE TRUE ULTIMATE THEME] by [https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCqGKtkZ8-MlAeTVL0fFAMnw| StringStorm].
*An [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GaUi8Dv73hA| accurate representation] of their daily lives
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUplioG2DC4| The unofficial animated version of Helsreach.]
*Their thoughts on [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xrJVZZLv2GE| furfags. ]
*Their continued campaign against the [https://youtu.be/j02V_34PXZg| furfags. ]

==Gallery==
<gallery>
Image:Templar Terminator.jpg|Actually pretty nice guys, once you get to know them.
Image:1206768954856.jpg|They also like to sing.
Image:howdoipurge.png
Image:bffs.jpg|'''Purging with my Kin!
Image:Imheretopurgehereticsandchewbubblegumandimalloutofbubblegum.jpg|Look at them hips.
Image:Black templar terminator by deadxcross.jpg|When you want to purge as much Heretics and Xenos as possible.
Image:A not so Little Sister by DeadXCross.jpg|They can even inspire zealots of their own.
Image:PURGINGWITHMYKIN.gif|The Black Templars' name does not corelate to the other Second Founding Imperial Fists because [https://youtu.be/0Vh_N8CpcL0?t=1208 they are absolute lunatics]
</gallery>

{{Template:Marines-Official}}

Manly Marines

2020-04-30T04:01:39Z

2601:443:47F:3CA0:6460:126F:3328:EFAE: /* Known Command Staff */

Are very '' very '' manly. And they're also [[Space Marines]]. One of [[/tg/]]'s many homebrew chapters.

Manly Marines are a <strike>sect</strike> descendant chapter of the [[Blood Angels]]. It was originally believed that their command staff was cobbled together from the survivors of the [[Lamenters]] chapter, but there's been no proof as to the veracity of that claim. As Blood Angel descendant chapters, they are truly die-hard champions of the Imperium, obsessed with not only bringing righteousness to all corners of the Imperium, but of causing that righteousness within others. Where the Manly Marines roam, Guardsmen are moved to acts of suicidal bravery, and even civilians take up arms and willingly fight for the glory of the Imperium of Man, so inspired are they by the Manly Marines' heroism and courage. Make no mistake, however - they brook no failure and will not hesitate to punish the alien and traitor alike, for such villainy cannot be allowed to remain, lest [[Chaos]] or [[Heresy]] take root. Their exploits on the battlefield are the subject of many Imperial Guard Magazines, who chronicle their exploits and those of the brave guardsmen who've fought alongside them.

The [[Space Wolves]] agree with the Manly Marines on the status of facial hair, though they conflict on styling. Where the Rout often sport shaggy manes of unkempt beard that couldn't possibly fit in a helmet, the culture of the Manly Marines includes the thought that a well-groomed mustache is a symbol of masculinity, and thus every battle-brother sports a mo' befitting of a man's status. Most Imperial Guardsmen who find themselves fighting alongside the Manly Marines attempt to replicate the sublime mustachery of their Astartes comrades, even if such grooming is against regulations; officers and commissars strangely find themselves agreeing that mustaches are indeed manlier than regulations forbidding them.

==Known Command Staff==
* Chapter-Master Hankarius Woodruff
* [[Fist of the North Star|Brother-Chaplain Kenshiro of the Sacred Fist]]
* [[Berserk|Brother-Captain Guts of the Black Dog Raiders Scouts Company]]
* Brother-Captain Freddirius
* Brother-Captain Nitroglycerius Black
* Brother-Captain Klint Eastwoodus
* Chief Librarian Melos Gibsonius
* Lord Executioner Johnerian Wayne
* Brother-Chaplain Chuckus Norrinus
* Chief Chaplain [[Judge Dredd]]honoree
* [[Sly Marbo]]honoree

==A Day In the Life of a Manly Marine Initiate==

The Daily Training Schedule, 2nd Company, TMM.

*06:30- Wake up
*06:35- Urination drill
*06:40- Shave and body powder application
*06:45- Formation in Duty Uniform (see chart)
*06:50- Morning Sing Song
*07:00- Physical Training: Beach volleyball, Vet Sergeant Randalf
*08:00- Personal Hygiene
*09:00- Breakfast
*09:02- Morning Prayers
*09:06- Care and Consideration of Others Training
*10:00- Break (light snacks provided by Death Killers Squad - vegetarian)
*11:00- Use of the Imperial Credit Card for Official Travel
*12:00- Lunch
*12:04- Noon prayers
*13:00- Formation in Duty Uniform
*13:03- Afternoon Sing Song
*14:00- Boltgun Drill
*15:00- Boltgun Cleaning ritual
*15:07- Arms Room Maintenance Drill
*15:50- Close-combat training, Brother-Chaplain Kenshiro
*16:00- Knitting and Crochet Lesson (how to make a Scottish bonnet- ver 3.4)
*18:00- Dinner
*18:03- Evening Sing Song
*19:00- Physical Training: Water polo, Vet Sergeant Winifred
*20:00- Personal Hygiene
*21:00- Evening Prayers
*22:00- Games of [[Rated M For Manly]] with snacks (provided by Baby Smasher's Squad - fruit jello with juice)
*22:47- Surprise Inspection
*23:00- Formation
*23:05- Night prayers
*23:59- Return to Barracks
*00:01- Lights out.

<gallery>
Image:Manly marine.jpg
Image:1206768954856.jpg|They also like to sing.
</gallery>

[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Imperial]][[Category:Space Marines]]

Emperor's To-Do List

2020-04-30T01:18:06Z

2601:443:47F:3CA0:6460:126F:3328:EFAE: /* Gathering Storm Special List */

{{Awesome}}
{{Heresy}}
== The Emperor's list of Things to do after Resurrection ==
The God-Emperor of Mankind has been taking a bit of a breather lately, but don't think that he has stopped caring and looking after humanity. As a matter of fact, the [[Adeptus Custodes]] happen to have scribbled down this reassuring list of things that the Emperor intends to do once he's finished taking a little nap, scratched his non-existent nose and taken a bath.

==Rules for new entries==

1: Learn to spell. This is the Emperor's Sacred To-Do List, not the toilet paper roll of an illiterate [[Indrick Boreale|five year old]].

2: Keep crossovers to a minimum, ''especially'' dumb ones. Before you make it, ask yourself "can it be funny without referencing non-[[Warhammer]] stuff?" If the answer is yes, don't make the reference.

3: Read through the damn list before repeating the same damn thing over again, because having five entries, all asking for the same thing is [[Derp|stupid]]. Have you read it? Read it again!

4: Learn to be funny and not painfully annoying, jokes are fine, ''bad'' jokes are not. Before you show us your wit, tell it to some friends and see if they laugh. If you don't have friends, tell it to your pet. If your pet is an [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iguana iguana] and therefore cannot talk, talk to the voices in your head and try to make them laugh.

5: Avoid excessive strike-throughs and [[Blam|blamming]], as it makes it hard for all of us to read.

6: Anyone who declares a state of anarchy or refers to this article as a "thread", will be [[Blam|shot]], [[Dark Eldar|dragged out behind the barnyard]], [[Ork|beaten severely]], [[Imperial Guard|run over with a Baneblade]], then [[Blam|shot]] again.

7: If you can't make jokes, then put some effort to make an insightful or interesting submission. Think about what the [[God-Emperor of Mankind|God-Emperor]] would actually do when he wakes up to the sight of a regressing civilization.

8: Don't edit these rules.

==The Holy List (in no particular order)==
[[File:TheLiterallyImmortalGodEmperorOfMankind.jpg|300px|thumb|"Your faith in The Emperor shall assuredly be rewarded."]]
The thing is that the Emperor of Mankind would be really pissed off upon returning his consciousness to his body and finding out what happened to his Imperium during his 10,000-year-long absence/slumber upon the Golden Throne.
In his absence, the [[High Lords of Terra|idiots]] running the Imperium have become even more corrupt, the [[Imperial Truth]] has been forgotten by everyone, some [[Ecclesiarchy|retards]] have got everyone worshipping me, some [[Black Templars|maniacs]] are so fucked up they are just killing anyone useful, and the general state of affairs is through and through [[Grimdark|GRIMDARK]].
This list describes the immediate "improvements" the Emperor of Mankind would install, steps towards a more [[noblebright]] galaxy. The list has also seen some additions made by the [[Adeptus Custodes]] and the [[Commissars]] of the [[Imperial Guard]].

----
# Scratch my nose.
# Take a bath.
# Scratch my everything.
# Eat breakfast.
# Find my ballpoint pen.
# Punch Lorgar in the face.
## Then punch everyone else in the face.
# Roll around on the floor.
# Scream really loud.
# Get some tacos.
# Kill every single one of the [[Marines Malevolent]]. Because they deserve it.
# Look at this list and reorganize. Some items on the list are more important than others.
## Not enough dakka
# Become CEO and majority shareholder of [[Games Workshop]].
## Execute and then replace its upper level employees and management.
# Recognize /tg/ for its greatness.
# Clone Creed <strike>and make him commander of everything</strike>-Scratch that, resurrect '''LORD SOLAR MACHARIUS''', make ''him'' commander of everything, and make Creed his second-in-command... of everything. Also, make the both of them into Primarchs for good measure
# Find Dorn, and spank his ass until it is so red Magnus looks normal in comparison because his spiky Iron Halo popped my eye.
# Hand his so-called 'Imperial Guards' over to the Angry Marines
## Then hand his entire military over the Angry Marines to use to decorate every chain sword in the galaxy with their guts
# Build a new Death Star, I want a Death Star, dammit!
## Scratch that, Get Titan Converted into a new Starkiller base. Fuck, The Grey Knights would be good enough, but keep it away from the rest of the [[Inquisition]]
## Actually, create something even bigger, just because I can.
## ''Important note:'' Stick a void shield on the thing!
## '''''Very Important Note''''' Make sure it can't be blown up by a few lucky idiots doing a single thing somewhere important.
### '''''''Extremely Important Note''''''' Make sure you plan to declare a crusade on Eldar Craftworlds(not Exodites, waste of resources) to make sure they don't stop you from building it.
# Take a shower, I smell worse than a [[Plague Marine]] at this point.
# Brush my teeth, because at this point, my halitosis could probably qualify for Exterminatus.
# Fix my fucked up face.
# Find [[Magnus the Red|Magnus]], and spank him until his buttocks are in the infrared spectrum for ruining everything.
# Create [[Catgirl|Catgirls]].
## Kill anyone who asks why, as they are too stupid to live.
## Destroy the gene manipulation records as to not enable anyone to make Chakats.
## Never mind, turns out [[Felinids]] are already a thing. Saves me the trouble.
## Give Felinids "sanctioned" status so no one can fuck with them.
# Retry building the Golden Throne so that this time I can access the [[Webway]].
## But this time actually share it with other people and test it somewhere else off of [[Holy Terra]].
# Add more bling to my palace, even more bling to my throne and go bling crazy on a new suit of armour.
# Drive around the M25 in a car so fast I dig a trench around London by friction
# Table an Eldar player by turn 2 in an equal points game (it's possible, I've just done it!!!(bitches))
# Recruit black guardsmen/bolter bitches.
# Eat something other than psykers babies, seriously I need to eat more carbohydrates.
## And some protein, so I can get even more ripped. I know no-one can see my [[Gay|muscles]], but they need to be there.
## Don't forget your vitamins too, Dear.
# Eat a live [[Carnifex]] without the aid of sauces.
# Eat another live [[Carnifex]] with the aid of sauces.
# Turn yet another [[DISTRACTION CARNIFEX|Carnifex]] into sauce, while living, and use that as a sauce for the last live Carnifex.
# Discover a way to cook Tyranids so they taste like buttered lobsters or fried bacon. That way, Imperial Guardsmen will not only be cheered up by the prospect of a good meal at the end of a battle, but they would also appreciate the irony of galaxy-eaters suddenly becoming tasty grub. Hiveships, once dreaded, would become flying hors d'oeuvres platters.
# Wash the Carnifex meal down with a glass of soda and Amasec.
# Further expand the Warhammer 40K storyline without the interference of [[Games Workshop]].
# Teach the [[Imperial Guard]] generals some actual tactics other than "Hey-Diddle-Diddle-Straight-Up-The-Middle."
# Tell the Adeptus Mechanicus to stop keeping secrets and actually try to advance technology so we don't have to rely on whatever scraps from the [[Dark Age of Technology]] we have left. Threaten to Exterminatus Mars if they don't.
# Replace the Imperial Guardsmen [[Lasgun|Lasguns]] with something that can ''actually'' do shit. Probably some Pulse Rifles or Gauss Flayers.
# Get a Militarum codex for all the Segmenta and make Militarum Solar entirely from [[Adeptus Custodes]] in Necrodermis.
# Make up with [[Matt Ward|Matthew Ward]] as he isn't that bad.
## GeeDubs still made shit in his absence.
# Kick that [[Star Wars]] Emperor's arse.
## Proceed to reverse engineer their lasers and proceed to make Lasguns better.
## Hang out with Darth Vader.
# Gather every Guardsman, Astartes, Inquisition operative, Sororita, Commissar... hell, everyone in the Imperium of Man, give them weapons, have them surround the Eye of Terror and ''then'' let the Greatest of all Holy shitstorms ensue.
## Optional: Proceed to create Black Hole Producing weaponry and launch a ton at the Eye of Terror.
# On that note, find a way to bring [[Kaldor Draigo]] from the warp. I need him because he Gets Shit Done.
## Fuck Kaldor Draigo, he's insane(yet funny). Find someone just as awesome as me to get some shit done...Doomguy.
## Or perhaps this Doom Slayer man, I heard he took down a demonic god.
# Outangry [[Angron]], outsex [[Fulgrim]], outfortify [[Perturabo]], outwit [[Magnus]], outspeed [[Jaghatai Khan|Khan]], outpreach [[Lorgar]], outdrink [[Leman Russ|Russ]], outendurance [[Mortarion]] and outforge [[Vulkan]].
# Personally execute Fulgrim, Perturabo, Angron and the rest of the traitor Primarchs.. ''after'' the Inquisition has given them a proper torturing. Except Fulgrim. No torture for him will be torture enough.
## May I suggest simply bringing them back into your fold my lord? Primarchs are rather expensive.
### Fine: send Fulgrim to rehab, lock Mortarion in the Imperial bathroom, get Magnus a gym membership, send Angron to group anger management classes, tell Perturabo he builds the best sand castles, inform [[Omegon]] where Waldo is and teach Lorgar what self esteem is so he can worship himself for once.
# Beat [[Khorne]] in an arm wrestling match, thus avenging my prior defeat at his hands, then rip his arm off and beat him to death with it.
# Show [[Slaanesh]] my dick and watch his/hers/its sweet tears of envy. If Slaanesh doesn't cry, just dickslap the bitch into Khorne's arms and eat popcorn while hilarity ensues.
# Hug [[Nurgle|Papa Nurgle]] and remain pure.
# Get [[Isha]] out of Nurgle's clutches, then watch as every Eldar wych freaks out, incidentally causing the Eye of Terror to blink. [[Just as Planned]].
# Seduce Isha, just to prove that I can, and watch as Nurgle gets pissed off.
# Fuck Isha so hard that every [[Eldar]] is gonna feel their asses sore. Also make sure to livestream it!
# Give Nurgle a bath, with holy water made by distilling the blood of 1,000,000,000,000 saints.
# Make Nurgle feel gut-wrenching sadness so bad his cultists won't be so unnaturally happy.
# Run before plagues eat Nurgle alive for not being diseased enough, spontaneously combusting with the power of 10 of my Legendary Power Swords.
# Devise a scheme so elaborate and complex that I'll be the one to say "Just as planned" to Tzeentch.
## Makes sure it better than what [[Creed]] could come up with.
# Then do the same thing to [[Commander Puretide]].
# And then do the same to [[Imotekh the Stormlord]].
# And then do the same to [[Eldrad]].
# Then get Creed, Imotekh, Puretide, Eldrad, [[Aetaos'Rau'Keres]], The [[Swarmlord]] and [[Kairos Fateweaver| Kairos]] instated as the new Eggheads.
# Outdick [[Eldrad]]. Then screw both of his daughters in front of him. Again. At the same time.
## Go back in time and get Eldrad to have more daughters, so that I can have an orgy in front of him.
### While your at it, create a Time Travel Paradox Nuke to destroy the universe for leverage over Chaos and everyone else. [[Just as Planned]].
## Apologize to [[Taldeer]] by officiating at her wedding with LIIVI (and make that canon!)
# Go back in time (multiversal travel required too) and tell the dumb fuck at [[Games Workshop]] [[Matthew Ward]] who fucked up the 5th Edition of Codex Astartes that "He's doing it wrong," the dude to made the Imperial Guard better that "He's doing it right,"(Tomb kings and Tyranids disagree), then go to the guy who decided to give the Guard flashlights and take him to the Inquisition to be properly tortured.
# <s>Make a Total War version of Warhammer</s> Done. Make a [[Total War]] version of Warhammer 40k.
# Permit Space Marines and Sisters of Battle to date. Well, the Astartes call themselves my Sons, and the Sororitas say they're my Daughters... maybe this plan is a wee bit awkward? But I want grandkids, and the last time I was a dad, my son [[Horus]] went and [[Horus Heresy|ruined Christmas for everybody]].
# Be a better father to the rest of my sons, as not to spark another shitstorm that will inevitably cripple me for another few millennia.
# Go on a deer-hunting trip with some [[Vindicare]] and bag more kills than him using MY KICKASS FLAY-WITH-MY-MIND POWERS!!!
# Overshadow an [[Eversor]] Assassin during his dynamic entry.
# Deceive a [[Callidus]] Assassin with disguises and trick her into having a romantic relationship with me.
# Outbrood a [[Culexus]] Assassin and still remain awesome.
# Deceive the [[C'tan]] false GabeN "[[The Deceiver]]" by tricking him into giving over control of the Necrons to me.
# Find the C'tan called "[[The Outsider]]" and rehabilitate him. If not possible, kick him into a Black Hole.
# Find out what if anything is chasing the Tyranids and see if they're friendly. If not: Launch the prototype promethium planetary bombardment torpedo.
# Once again outdick Eldrad in the game of his choice, forcing him to ragequit.
# Beat a [[Lord of Change]] Greater Daemon in a game of Chess with only 5 moves.
# Then beat it in 4
# Make a better emergency life support system as a safeguard if things for some reason go south. By that I mean make some kinda Emperor [[Dreadnought]] or some shit like that so I can still do my job instead of all this being a decaying corpse on some tricked out toilet worshiped by the entire population... did I mention how much this sucks? I heard that an old fart by the name of Karamazov has a dreadnought as a chair...
# <s>Personally get that dreadnought back-up plan started</s> Better idea, make myself a fucking [[Imperator Battle Titan|Imperator Titan]] as my Dreadnought backup plan
##Actually, fuck that, build a Dreadnought that goes in an Imperator Titan.
##fuck it, have the [[Adeptus Mechanicus|cog-faced boys]] over at mars make me an even bigger titan and then throw the imperial palace on its back
# Outright skullfuck Slaanesh for making something so good be so wrong and heretical.
# Eliminate masturbation across the Imperium and in its place have sanctioned sex workers as part of the socialized medical program(no, I think I had it right before) so nobody will be stuck comforting themselves alone ever again.
# Go outdick Eldrad one last time. Then put all the Eldar he saved when he got the Orks to invade Armageddon in a life threatening situation.
## Let Eldrad try and save them.
## Laugh as he fails.
## Save them so I get to be the bigger man.
## Make a note of where they all are so next time Eldrad pisses me off I can kill them without wasting too much time.
# Send search parties throughout the Empire to find that awesome excuse for a Space [[Viking]], [[Leman Russ]], and if he's found alive, hand his ass to him like I did before I got stuck on this throne.
# Prove the existence of the [[Alpha Legion]].
# Get those two exiled legions back again, they've blasted enough [[Tyranids]] in other galaxies by now!
# Give Alpharius and Omegon a hug for staying secretly loyal and fighting Chaos from within for ten thousand years, then ground them for a decade for all the damage they did in the process
# Invent a more reliable warp drive in order to...
# Expand the Imperium to a intergalactic empire.
# Create a special rule just for myself so that instead of just ''one'' unit as a scout, I field an [[Creed|ENTIRE REGIMENT'S worth of troops as scouts]].
# Beat a Commissar at a Western-Style shootout.
# Recognize the [[Legion of the Damned]] for their awesomeness and badassery.
# Challenge [[Sly Marbo]] to a duel to decide who is the greatest being in the entire universe.
# Beat a Tau Broadside battlesuit in ranged combat using only an angry glare.
# <s>Hunt down my Legendary Power Sword. Again</s>. Never mind Apparently roboute found it
##Ask him if he can give it back
# Come up with a Name for my Legendary Power Sword more original than The Burning Blade.
# Use the warp to go back in time, find myself and beat myself in a duel, so I can have TWO Legendary Power Swords!!!
# GROW A GOD-DAMNED BEARD. HOW CAN I BE CONSIDERED MANLY WITHOUT A BEARD? Also, how the fuck none grew in 10 fucking thousand years?
#Give a TONS of medals and some miles of purity seals to [[Gav and Bob|Gav]] (seriously, that ogryn kill a keeper of secrets and a thousand sons wizard) then resurrect Bob, commissar Arry and give a new body to Tarla for make him happy.
# Find the canon-Nazi using this list as his own personal toilet paper to wipe his shit on and mail him to Commorragh.
# Throw a WAAAGH!!
## Invite the Orks to said WAAAGH!!.
## Aim said WAAAGH!! at the Necrons/Tyranids.
## Bring a camera.
## ???
## PROFIT.
# Find [[Lion El'Jonson]] and get him back on the front line owning shit.
# Resurrect [[Rogal Dorn]]/Rogal Dorn's hand, and stitch it back on.
# Disable [[Roboute Guilliman]]'s life support.
## Never mind, someone got him off his lazy blue butt.
## Find out who resurrected him and keep them on retainer in case things go ploin-shaped again.
## Apologise to him for being such a dick when we last spoke. See point 63 for reason why.
# Create a First Founding 2.0 to make the [[Angry Marines]], [[Manly Marines]] and those other guys canon.
# Come up with more shit for The Emperor's list of Things to do after Resurrection 2.0 if things do go south for some reason and the Emprah-dread-titan ain't ready yet.
# Turn the Armageddon conflict into a 24/7 Reality TV Channel, just like in that fantastic movie The Truman Show.
# Invent a deodorant that works on Typhus.
# Promote [[Cypher]] to Warmaster, he's clearly more competent than any other human that got to that rank. He seems more reliable than even Lion El'Jonson.
# Fuck, trip-out and drink the whole of [[Commorragh]] under the table, and then <s>kick</s> PUNT their stoned arses into Hell.
# Proceed to turn the remnants of Commorragh into a family friendly theme/water park called "EMPRA LAND!". Featured attractions: Blam the Xenos, Hot Heretic and Dismember the Deamon!
# Somehow regain my love and compassion. Can't lead the Imperium into non-grimdarkness without that, you know!
# Figure out how to get my awesomesauce body back since I lost all my limbs to decomposition.
# Make the Ultramarines stop boasting how awesome they are while in fact they fuck up almost every vital engagement. Thus, first I must make them REALLY awesome, and then I won't need to tell about it to anyone since it will be a fact in itself.
# Somehow find a way to come back without sparking off galaxy-wide hysteria. Seriously, who would have thought being considered a GabeN would suck so hard?
# Redesign the power armor [[pauldrons]]. CAN'T SEE SHIT WITH THESE THINGS ON, I MEAN FUCK. Also, I can't fucking scratch my neck without smashing my head. While I'm at it, find out why the fucking hell I thought that was a good idea to have those things so big in the first place.
## My lord, the Techpriests of Mars have fixed this issue by making the pauldrons slide downwards automatically when the arms need to be raised.
# Design a helmet awesome enough for me, let's see [[Failbaddon|wannabe Horuses]] try to mortally wound me when all of me is covered in armor.
## May I suggest augmenting your laurel crown with a powerfield and some sort of transparent armor?
# Invent a power staircase.
# Resurrect Malcador the Hero and give him a shiny medal for his troubles.
## On second thought, better make it two shiny medals.
## We're talking REALLY shiny, here.
## It's like, damn son.
## So shiny.
## Actually give him three shiny medals.
## Heresy! Give him 4 Shiny medals.
## Actually.... A suit of auramite power armor with the awards engraved in the chest. Add a archaeotech refractor in there too.
# Congratulate [[Abaddon|Failbaddon]] for doing more damage to the forces of Chaos than my armies could have done in the same amount of time by being an incompetent fuck, then dickslap him back into the Warp.
# Use Time machine to bring Archaon into the 41st millennia and watch him beat Abbadon with with his own arms and take his place so I may have a worthy opponent.
# Boot Cato Sicarius into the eye of terror and get Captain Titus to lead the 2nd company.
# Surf a flying leviathan.
# Surf an Emperor-Class [[Titan]]
# Surf the energy beam from an overcharges VOLCANO CANNON, THAT ORBITAL SPIRE IS GOING DOWN!!!
# Get Forge World to make a fluff accurate miniature of me.
# Make a legendary thunder-shield for myself.
# Make my armor out of Necrodermis, I'll be invincible then.
##Find a way to minatureize a void shield into that.
##Failing that, an Ion Shield.
# Make [[Commissar Yarrick]] into a living saint, I'm tired of Khorne bragging about how cool An'ggrath is and how I have nothing to match him, so I want my own version.
# Resurrect Ciaphas Cain and form the "forward retreat" legion for him to command.
# Collect each and every one of the bajillion pieces of Khaine, put them together, and as he resurrects, punch him so hard that he'll fall apart into TWO bajillion pieces.
# Create a super sleeping pill for the Void Dragon so he'll never wake up. In case it won't work, I will pummel him back to sleep personally. It worked before, thus I suppose it wouldn't be too much harder a second time, but I have a lot of better things to attend to so the sleeping pill is worth a try.
# Finally win a game of Paradox Poker. Yes it's fun to get together with Tzeentch, the Deceiver, and Cegorach every Saturday night for these games of dickery. But it's about time that someone won one of these games and it might as well be me. Maybe I can bring Creed along to help.
##Invent a translator for the hive mind so it doesn't sound like a thousand mental patients gargling a million nails in motor oil and weird syntax and can become a regular player.
## Privatize said translator and form a secret alliance with the Hivemind, and then talk shit about the others behind their backs (after making sure the translator works two ways).
# Organize my birthcentury party. It's gonna be an awesome party that'll last 10,000 days!
# Out-prank and out-funny Cegorach... probably the most difficult thing to do on my list.
# Set up arrangements for my return where I launch myself out of a Vindicator and hit a Demon Prince, [[awesome|causing him to explode.]]
# Figure out how to tell [[Adeptus Mechanicus|my man bitches]] to add pimp wheels to my golden throne then maybe a [[Dwarf Fortress|magma cannon]] or something badass...
# Reupholster the golden throne.
# Develop better plans to stop global warming and acid rain on [[Hiveworld]] planets.
# Beat Abaddon with his own arms.
# Recharge my iAuspex.
## Update it too, oh me, the update time....
# Beat [[Matt Ward]] and [[C.S. Goto]] over the head with their crappy works
# Tell the [[Black Templars]] to chill the fuck out. On second thought gather them into the 10,000 strong unstoppable force (ITS IN THE CODEX IT MUST BE SO) and destroy the Eye of Terror.
# Release Bjorn and find the Space Wolves a kennel.
# Get the Space Wolves a damn flea collar
# Win a blinking contest with the Eye of Terror.
# Fetch Badassius his coat.
# Look up affordable retirement plans, I am so sick of babysitting some of these hopeless morons.
# Challenge [[Doomrider]] into a space coke-snorting contest. Then laugh at him as he dies from overdosing on the stuff.
# Convince [[Doombreed]] to allow a model of himself to be made.
# Get a haircut. Ensure my hair is even more fabulous.
# Have a trip over to the dentist.
# [[Exterminatus]] Equestria
## And their sun and moon as while, do those first actually.
# Beat Chuck Norris with his own legs
# Start an intergalactic fast food chain. (Empy's Empanada's)
# Invent a time machine.
# Guarantee that Magnus won't fuck up my invention again. Rip his eye out and beat him to death with it.
# Use the time-machine to drink [[Leman Russ]] under the table.
# Using the time-machine so I can eat more than Leman Russ as well.
# Hatch an extremely complicated time machine plot.
## Go back in time and give yourself a time machine and all future information
## Do something cool??? Figure out how to twist reality better?
## Uhhh.... running out of ideas... Annihilate [[Horus]]?
## Do something about your fall. What fall?
## No Matter What Happens, The world will... wait is it will or was or is...
## ???
## ????????????????????
## Profit?
## Hire the Tau to make a animated series about my inter-time adventures, call it Golden;Throne or something.
# Assign a Primarch to the [[Angry Marines]]
# Assign Zoloft regiment to newly anointed Primarch of the Angry Marines
# Find my driver's license and look up own name.
# Clean house with the Administratum. How can we get shit done when we don't know how much we have to work with?
# Dig out my office from all the paperwork/peat moss that has accumulated over the <s>years</s> <s>decades</s> <s>centuries</s> fucking millennia. Not looking forward to this one.
## Get my old battleship for a shortcut.
# Make galaxy wide web and ban Lord Commissar from every thing.
## Spy on everyone with no mercy. [[Chaos]] will corrupt through the web or some stupid explanation via Chaos Magic.
# Invent a social network purely for Space Marines accessible from any data slate called Facemarine.com
# Invent a website called 40000chan.org so that humanity will finally be rid of the IRL [[trolls]] that have taken control over the hive cities, instead of the internet.
# Outangry a Angry Marine
# Outmanly a Manly Marine
# Outpretty a [[Pretty Marines|Pretty Marine]]
# Utterly destroy all [[furry|furfaggotry]]. (Space wolves and catgirls not included!)
# Beat myself in arm-wrestling with only one arm.
# Beat [[Commissar Fuklaw]] in a chainsword duel. Then every Angry Marine.
# Tell the [[Blood Ravens]] to stop dicking around in the Aurelia Subsector and get to work on that Eye Of Terror thing.
# Cure space-AIDS by wiping out those filthy Dark Eldar.
# Pimp the Golden Throne so that I may score even more bitches.
# Make a show called "The Fresh Emperor of Sacred Terra".
# Get new toilet paper, this 40,001 year megapack has almost run out.
# Turn off my [[Astronomicon|nightlight]]. Seems that everyone was using it for something. Well, no big deal I guess.
## Actually, create something better, which has a radius bigger than 50,000 light years, doesn't cause the deaths of one thousand [[psykers]] every day (find a better use for them) but most importantly doesn't need me to control it. I mean come on, my time is too important to just act as a giant psychic signpost.
# Order all thrones, chairs and benches destroyed. Or out of my sight at least, on pain of Exterminatus Cheezious, which is like getting creamed, but harder.
# Build a gold fortress at the [[brits|centre]] of Terra to enslave troglodytes.
# Become human parasite.
# Go back in time, beat entire GW executive board over the head with a power bat and then give the Warhammer 40000 license to someone willing to do a good job of it.
# Scratch that, go back in time, resurrect THQ and tell them to make five more Space Marine games.
# Punch [[Mork]] in the balls, with [[Gork]]'s severed fist.
# Demote [[Creed]] and his friends who keep fucking with my list.
# Beat [[Swarmlord]] and mindfuck [[Hive Mind]]
# Pray night and day that Frank Herbert's family doesn't sue the shit out of me for blatantly ripping him off.
# Get [[Andy Chambers]] BACK!!!
# Kick every heretic who claimed the Space Marine game was a ripoff of Gears of War/Starcraft in the balls with Powerfeet. Then send the [[Angry Marines]] in.
# Beat [[Matt Ward]] to death with [[C.S. Goto]].
# Beat [[C.S. Goto]] to death with [[Matt Ward]]'s corpse.
# Give the Nightbringer nightmares about me.
# Resurrect [[Sanguinius]].
# Tell him how much I missed him.
# Resurrect [[Ferrus Manus]].
# Tell him how much I didn't miss him.
# Find Leman Russ, Corvus Corax, Jaghatai Khan and Vulcan then get their asses back to battlefield.
# Tell the [[Dark Angels]] I forgive them so they stop being emo and ambiguously heretical, and they can get back to kicking the asses of my enemies
# Sit down and a have a cup of tea. Because it's just been that fucking long.
# Find a way to re-create Horus's soul and then destroy it again.
# Then do it again.
# Put a new password on my computer to stop all these heretics from accessing my damn list!
# Buy a really big gun to gather a load of Orks and shit in the middle of nowhere...
# ...then Virus Bomb said area......
# Take a dump on the Golden Throne.
# Congratulate [[Vance Motherfucking Stubbs]].
# Go out on a shopping day to buy a new outfit, because this golden armor set is just ''SO'' 10 millennia ago.
# Order the Inquisition to torture the fuck out of EA's board of directors.
# Use proceeds to pay for Power Armor for every front line soldier in the Imperial Guard. Commissars get Terminator Armor.
# Modify the Imperial Palace to be able to transform into "GabeN Emperor Class Super Titan".
# Play [[Matt Ward]] in a game of Warhammer 40K. Let him build the ultimate broken [[Ultramarines]]/[[Grey Knights]] army. Destroy him in the first round with a [[Sisters of Battle]] army.
## Fuck that, a Imperial Guard army.
## Collect tears of [[butthurt]] and despair from him losing.
# Go back in time and reduce the prices at [[Games Workshop]].
# Unfuck the galaxy (again).
## Then proceed to make sure it won't be fucked again.
### Without annihilating all sentient beings (and therefore killing [[chaos]]) and destroying the universe without causing it to crunch.
# Adopt [[Cultist-Chan]]. Hire a dialect coach and orthodontist for her.
# Find a [[Tarrasque]] and make it [[Emprahsque|my personal pet]].
# Commend [[Captain Titus]] for not succumbing to Ultramarine stereotypes. Conclude the ceremony by striking Brother Leandros (the ungrateful fucking smurf) in the testicles with a thunder hammer.
# Get some Preparation H from the Apothecaries.
# Revise Imperial naval doctrine to emphasize that SPACE IS NOT A FUCKING OCEAN!
# Write a best-selling autobiography.
# Buy a shop-vac and drain [[Khorne]]'s lake of blood. Dump hydrofluoric acid on his skull pile until it is a calcium slurry. Laugh scornfully at Khorne's unbelievable [[rage]] as the work of centuries goes to waste in a few hours.
# Tell everyone to cheer up. The universe is [[grimdark|depressing]] enough, I don't need an entire [[Imperium|empire]] worth of wangst.
# Create a chastity belt out of [[necrodermis]] and put it on Slaanesh. Then create a matching ballgag and shackles in case the fucker might get creative. [[Not as planned|This won't get kinkier, won't it?]]
# [[Blood Bowl|Introduce football to Orks and create elaborate stadiums, as to distract them from killing us.]]
# Weaponize a [[Sonic Weaponry|vuvuzela]] and beat a [[Noise Marine]] with it.
# Get new ballpoint pens because this damn list is draining the ink.
# Create a new space marine chapter dedicated to making pens with holiness.
# Consider ways to liven up sports with the introduction of power armor/fists.
# Disband the [[Ultramarines]] Chapter and show [[Matt Ward]] what has been done as part of the torture.
## If [[Not as planned]] occurs and [[Matt Ward]] ignores you ROB him into the most applicable
# <s>Revive the [[Squats]].</s>{{BLAM}}{{BLAM|Squats are Heresy!}} Bitch I am the mother fucking EMPEROR.
# Piss on Horus' maggoty, heretical corpse.
# Resurrect Horus again and beat him to an inch away from death, then put him in life support/stasis for 10,000 years and make sure he feels every second of it- lets see how he likes being in agony for countless millenia.
# Teach the [[Adeptus Mechanicus]] there is no such thing as machine spirits, and tell them they can start using AI and computers more. See notes regarding Imperial Navy for immediately apparent uses. Then shit an Imperial Palace worth of bricks as the Void Dragon takes over everything and the Age of Strife happens all over again.
# Congratulate The Legion Of The Damned.
# Give the remaining Lamenters a hug. They deserve it.
# Determine if sexual virility has remained intact. If not, demand the necessary supplements under pain of death.
# Dominate a Sister of Battle in bed.
# Find a way to build [[Blackstone Fortress]]es.
## Use as part of plan to shoot the Eye of Terror out of existence.
# Deal with all the spam on 1d4chan.
# Bring back Warhammer Wednesday.
# Make a 40K version of [[Blood bowl]].
# Make Blood bowl the Imperium's official sport.
# Invite the [[Eldar]], [[Chaos]] and the [[Ork]] forces to participate in Blood Bowl games, proceed to rig every game. [[Just as planned]].
# Kill Gorgutz, If he doesn't run away from the fight, like he did on Lorn, Kronus and Karauva.
# Create for myself a massive golden space-caddy to roll around the Imperium and fuck bitches in.
# Train the commissars to stop executing their own men and start executing Furries that are useless instead.
# Officially recognize the reasonable marines as the Knights Inductor. I need a Space Marine chapter that doesn't go trigger happy when they encounter heresy and xenos.
# take a vacation to pen island
# Make a chapter of Space Marines born from clones of [[Simo Hayha]] that is justifiably overpowered in the tabletop.
# Get at least one Space Marine commander, preferably a Grey Knight, in some future Warhammer game to be voiced by James Earl Jones.
## Get a high ranking character in said game to be voiced by Morgan Freeman.
# Eat a pie with a live Carnifex inside with the aid of sauces.
# Look disapprovingly at the Ecclesiarchy then bitch-slap the priests.
# Reintroduce the [[Imperial Truth]], but this time, inform my citizens and soldiers of the dangers of Chaos and how to prevent it from infecting them.
## No wait, that's a terrible idea. Faith hurt's Chaos and religion gives guidance and hope to the masses. It's the stupid Imperial government that kept going ape about heresy and killing people. Since worship apprently ''doesn't'' feed Chaos, there is no point to the Imperial Truth except the Manifest Destiny part.
# Overhaul the Imperial Guard's stance on martial justice. If I happen to catch a Commissar shooting a recruit out of a meaningless quibble, I will beat him with my bare fists and he will have to be permanently accompanied by a servo-skull equipped with a colostomy bag. {{BLAM| <b> Commissar reasonable agrees </b>}}
# Research ways to prepare Orks as a palatable substitute for Corpse Starch rations, much like the ancient Terran food product "Quorn." Would also increase morale among common soldiers, as they would treat a WAAAGH like a Grox dinner with Amasec on legs.
# Find way to make bolt-mounted power field generators feasible? Perhaps I should look at the Angry Marines' Adamantine Sack of Power Doorknobs...
## Also, see about powerfields on the shells fired by weapons batteries on Navy ships. That would be hilarious and awesome.
# Place an Imperial edict forbidding the use of Baroque and Gothic architecture. Who knows how many resources were spent gilding those fucking stupid space cathedrals?
# Use a hive city as a tooth pick.
# Make a new edition of Epic Armageddon.
# Try to domesticate some Tyranids so that we can ride them like war horses or some shit. I don't think it will work (then again the Orks managed to do it) but I just want to see if we can manage it. Besides even if it doesn't work it will probably be a fun experience (assuming nobody gets eaten).
# Crush [[Doomrider]] into a fine powder and snort him.
# Party with [[Pedro Kantor]] and promote him to Imperial Fist primarch.
# Invent a way to make female marines, and give them all to the [[Crimson Fists]] and blood angels. Those poor bastards need it.
## Before that, gather all those who demanded that female space marines should be created and have them explain the concept to the Adepta Sororitas.
## Revive Malcador, then wed him to the most muscled sister I can find. After the honey moon period, ask him what he thinks of the concept of "making them all sisters".
### Legalize polygamy should he still agree.
## Realize that it is rare for women to even try to join the military and that the tests for Space Marines kill all but the strongest and most durable men out of trillions. Oops.
### Send the handful of dead female aspirants (sadly, all of the aspirants) family's an apology letter and some money.
# Introduce the Angry Marines to megaphones.
# Establish the Adeptus Astartes Legions once again and rewrite the Codex Astartes to emphasize tactical and strategic flexibility. Arrange a checks and balances system similar to the [[Iron Hands]] for the purposes of chapter administration. Those who protest this action will be redirected to the complaints department, which happens to be located on my power fist.
# DESIGN AND MAKE NEW SHIT (Mechanicus won't/can't do it, fucking toaster fuckers)
# Give a [[Honey Badger]] power armor and use it as a weapon.
# Name said Honey Badger Chapter Master of the [[Angry Marines]]. They're gonna love it.
# Build a Tank to crush a MOTHERFUCKING BANEBLADE.
# Give it to Yarrick as a present.
# Invent Krak-Grenade Tennis with Thunder Hammers for rackets.
# Invent Krak-Grenade Baseball with Thunder Hammers for bats.
# Invent Krak-Grenade Cricket with Thunder Hammers for bats.
# Invent Krak-Grenade Golf with Thunder Hammers for clubs.
# Beat Da Squig in a Baneblade race.
# Declare Tank Motorsports as an official sport.
# Amass a fleet of a million ships and finish kicking the shit out of everything else in the galaxy.
# Bring back the Enslavers. Then enslave them.
# Make a Baneblade the size of a Emperor Titan.
# Make a Titan the size of a Emperor class battleship.
# Make a Emperor Class battleship the size of a [[World Engine]].
# Help the Necrons to build a World Engine the size of the Eye of Terra.
## Then destroy it. Because I can.
# Steal [[Necron]] starships. Traveling the galaxy without warp drives? Fuck yeah, I want that!
# Learn how to make Tyranid calamari.
# Learn how to make Tyranid Tika Masala.
# Learn how to make Tyranid Sushi.
# Play hide and seek with Sly Marbo and with the Tanith First (and Only) guys. It'll be interesting to see why they can't find the deity of Mankind who wears Golden Power Armour and is over three meters tall.
# Declare Catachan Exploding Turtles (dubbed "Mine Turtles" by the local populace) an endangered species. Seriously, these things explode all over the fucking place.
# Find a way to get a truce with the Eldar and/or Tau Empire, then throw a galaxy and webway-wide party with said allies
# Outlaw the appellations Empy, Emprah, Big E and so on. Not addressing me with my real name is [[Heresy]]!
# Dissolve the Ecclesiarchy. I hate those creepy fucks.
# Ask Officio Assassinorum about drugs they using on Eversors, then start selling it in Commorragh. If you can't defeat them, make money on them, I always say that
# After my Imperial Dealers completely take over the city, have them kick dark eldar as back to hell where they belong.
# Then fill this place with so much sex, drugs and gambling that it will put <s>Las Vegas</s> [[Asdrubael Vect|Dicky Drubby]] to shame.
# And there will be [[Daemonette|daemonettes]] serving drinks, or you can call me "Emprah"
# Open a zoo with [[METAL BOXES|rhinos in metal cages]]. Any visitors will be executed as heretics.
# Encourage creative thinking, like "there is better way to use guardsmen than suicidal wave" or "not everyone is heretic and need to be destroyed" among my forces
# Pay orks to make me another life-sustaining device. As long they believe it works, it works - because it's really piss me off that MOST POWERFUL PSYCHIC in the whole space can't keep himself in shape.
# Hire a squad of orks, then order them to loot vehicles of other races - soon the looted-monoliths and looted-mantas will conquer the world
# Pay a visit to Tau, then show them the meaning of old terran saying "better dead than red". Or blue, in that case. Blue-faced reds are enough blasphemy in MY GALAXY
# Promptly remember that the Soviet Union under Stalin was still more benevolent and just than the Imperium in my millennia long bath room break.
## Then remember that the Imperium before said bathroom break was more prone to exterminatus and mass-slaughter and intense atrocities than the grimderp Imperium.
### Well, shit, that's embarassing.
# Get off the damn throne and find something suitable to wipe my own ass ..... ohh look a Grey Knight.
# Lure every furfag to an unused planet using [[Faptau]] and [[Shlicktau]] as bait, then utilize any form of Exterminatus, thus solving the galaxy-wide furfag problem.
##Not those that make themselves useful.
## They'd fuck the [[Felinids]] anyways.
# Send a whole fucking legion of speesh mareeens to Mars and get them to finally clear out all the rogue robots from thousands of years ago living in the catacombs below Mars.
# Realize my mistakes as a father and further realize that my sons have actual emotions and stabbing them in the back/humiliating them/letting those with obvious problems lead legions of dedicated killers might not have been the best idea so I know what to do when I make Primarch Project, Part two.
# Launch a cross dimensional crusade to destroy all [[chakats|CHAKATS]]!
# [[Doctor Who|Hire the Atraxi to blow up a planet, but only give them 19 minutes to do so.]]
# Steal all of Trazyn's artifacts leaving behind a note with kindest regards.
# ENGAGE HIVE MIND IN PHYSIC DUEL
##USE PHYKER-DESTROYING-FINISHING MOVE. RANGE: GALAXY!
##FIX THE REST OF THE PSYKERS IN THE GALAXY, One Howling was bad enough.
##Re-learn how to spell psyker, and psychic. I invented those words, dammit!
# Beat up Khorne while dressed as Slaanesh.
# Bleach memory of having dressed as Slaanesh from brain.
# Rebuild the Avatar of Khaine from the 2 Bajillion Pieces, then lock him and Slaanesh in a cage. Shatter whoever lives into 4 Bajillion Pieces, and hide the 4 Bajillion Pieces with Creed.
# Challenge a Dreadnought to a fist fight.
# Stand on the bow of a Battle Barge and shout "[[Eye of Terror|Fly me closer]], I want to [[Chaos Gods|hit them]] with my sword!"(Destination:Eye of Terror, Targets:Chaos Gods)
# Throw [[Space Wolves]] an [[Ultramarine]] bone; quality family time.
# Play laser tag with [[Lasgun|flashlights]].
# Bring back [[Konrad Curze]], fix his brain, and then get him to explain what he was rambling on about just before he died.
# Clone [[Judge Dredd]] and use said clones to replace the Adeptus Arbites.
# Create a training system for the Imperial Guard so my citizens are more effective than glorified meat shields.
# Create a Chapter of Space Marines made up of only Pariahs just to troll Tzeentch.
# Give some nice relics to the [[Celestial Lions]] to help them rebuild. Inform Inquisitors that a loyal Space Marines chapter complaining about an Exterminatus after the chapter has taken out the actual heretics is no reason to get all pissy. Send the Inquisitors that got all upset about that into a Ork WAAAGHHH! to look for Ork Snipers.
# Replace the Imperial Guard's vehicles after chassis that weren't considered obsolete by World War II in exchange for stuff that's more functional. Also find out why the hell I thought that was a smart idea in the first place.
# Improve ship design so that time and resources aren't wasted putting details on making the sides of the ship look like cathedrals and including over-sized figureheads that serve no practical use.
# Kill Chuck Norris and disprove all the "facts" about him, they have no place in the Imperial Truth.
## He is too manly to simply be worhshipped as a mere "god". He is Chuck Norris.
# Make the Space Wolves to be accompanied by <s>Sabaton</s> Amon Amarth as they play 24/7.
# Make an ironically underpowered Codex: Matt Ward.
# Rewrite the sisters of battle codex. My bitches need some love.
## And some gigantism fun with their Astartes brothers.
# Build a Fucking anti-grav hammerhead baneblade combo.
# Tell [[Dorn]] and [[Perturabo]] to kiss and make up.
# Get my wallet back from the [[blood magpies]].
# Steal [[Ahriman]]'s library card.
# Bring [[Carron]] back, and lock him in a METAL BAWKS as a prison.
# Go to Mars, punch the Void Dragon back to Terra, teleport to Terra and punch it back to Mars. Afterwards go ask the Mechanicus where's their Machine GabeN.
# make a deal with the Hive Mind to eat everything except the Imperium.
## breed giant carnifex to eat the eye of Terror.
## give the jeanstealer some jeans.
## Preferably from Abercrombie and Fitch
# Get my hands on some Ethereal pheromones, then use them to get the Tau to join the Imperium, just as planned. Then sterilize those weebs as a taste of their own medicine.
# Lead a live re enactment of D-Day using guardsmen and cultists.
# Glue my model of Abaddon's arms on, rip the real Abaddon's arms off and proceed to beat him to death with them.
# Resurrect Horus for round 2 and FUCK HIM UP...... More than last time. Oorah.
# Tell Games Workshop that fucking axes aren't unwieldy! Seriously, how are fucking augmented super humans in fucking powered armor in any way slowed by a slightly heavy fucking stick?!
## I mean all the weight of an axe is focused in a pretty hard to control spot by a kinesthetics standpoint unless you want to break your wrist trying to stop a massive weight moving super fast with a relatively small handle. And with them being Space Marines, their axes are fuck hueg but sure, axes are somehow simpler to wield EVEN THOUGH fantasy and sci-fi axes are some of the most bullshit things to be devised. THIS IS WHY THEY USE SWORDS. Also axes are pretty ineffective against armor compared to hammers. Plus ineffective towards spuishies compared to swords. You only use them as a middle ground. But sure, act like you know all about weapons and nerdrage. Ok.
### Ask the person above how GW's butthole tastes.
# Destroy the metaphorical shark so that no franchise can ever jump it again.
# Throw Michael Grade into a woodchipper. Then have the wood chipper dismantled and melted into slag for getting Michael Grade's filth (I.E, any piece of him) on it.
# Learn [[Doctor Who|the Doctor]]'s real name.
# Catch em all.
# Become the King of Games.
## Including [[FATAL]]
# Rip off a Stompa's "Super Scorcha" and use it to make Tyranid toast. Because i'm just so damn hungry after counting the dead bodies.
# Steal skulls from khorne's throne and taunt an'ggrath with them as I teleport back to terra.
# Go to sleep. What? I'm fucking sleepy and I have not had a descent sleep in ages.
# Drop that hole Latin/High Gothic thingy as an official language, seriously WTF was I thinking when naming Adeptus Mechanicus, Astartes and Astra Militarum.
# Make my own animation studio to make adaptations of [[anime]] based on manga that didn't get finished.
# Use profits as part of my ongoing plan to become majority shareholder of Google.
# Put an end to youtube's copyright policy, then find those asshats that put came up with it and make them eat their own bones.
# Watch TV
# Fuck some shit up
# Fuck some sluts up
# Fuck some ca/tg/girls up
# Firebomb /mlp/ Seriously, I dont fucking care about MLP but that board is pure NOPE.
# Get some 'nids and let them rip those fucking PETA douche bags to fucking mincemeat.
# Fuck some more sluts up. Oh yeah.
# Get some Taco Bell.
# Close McDonalds.
# Open Bembos
# Watch the last airbender (Anime series not the fucking m night shyamalan peice of shit).
# Burn the Legend of Whorra.
# Kill M. Night Shyamalan and piss on his corpse
# Make melta explosives that can be fired from missile launchers, I'm sick of having to always get in the enemy's face to use metla weapons.
# Get the internet to shut up about Call of Duty(this does include any other ones as well),.<s>I'm</s>,(No everyone else with a life) is sick of hearing about it.
# Out tank astra with a rhino, because why not?!
# give orks something that can make a loud noise and can finally do shit.
# Release the Kraken and after it has finished destroying the enemies of Mankind, proceed to turn it into calamari.
# Eat pie, I like pie.
# Check progress on Grey Knight attempts to cross-breed Saiyans and Kryptonians for any females.
## Also progress on capturing/persuading Samus Aran to become a new Primarch for female Space Marines. Twice the (wo)manpower!
# Marry said females, that will scare off that [[Strike Legion|scary Empress bitch]].
# Sort out the contradictions in this list. Thing's a fucking mess.
# Commit fraud.
# Disband the Church of Scientology and send all the criminals in it to Guantanamo for crimes against humanity.
# Defeat the Reapers.
## Hi this is Commander Shepard, and GW is my favorite store on the Citadel.
# Get Kaldor Draigo into an intervention because he's hooked on fucking Warp Dust.
# Light my scented candle collection for proper relaxation.
# Collect all Crux Terminus badges so I can put my Golden Armour back together.
# Come up with the most absurd, annoying, head wrenching question I possibly can.
# Ask it repeatedly to that Zathras tool and laugh as his brain explodes.
# Create a giant can of bug spray and use it on all of the Tyranids
# Make Captain Titus Papa Smurf. We need someone who can make decisions without reading the book Rowboat Girlyman wrote 10,000 years ago.
# Steal the blood ravens
# Everyones mother.
# Track down the Timelord known as the Doctor, shake his hand, break his hand, kick his ass, steal the TARDIS and use it for the betterment of the imperium.
# Do some stretching because 10,000 years will give you such a crick in the neck!
# Resurrect Robin Williams for some decent propaganda.
# Drop kick a Hive Tyrant into the sun.
# Order a pizza, because it's been fucking years since I had take away food.
## Maybe order enough for my Custodes. They need some free time too.
# Find a xenos controlled planet, and bomb the fuck out of the filthy xenos scum! Note to self: Orks are probably easiest.
# Astrally visit other space opera universes to see how they do things, then make fun of them.
## Starting with Space Balls
# Find some more things to do.
# Find a living Astral knight,
# Find a cloning device for said Astral Knight,
# Create a Primarch for Astral Knight 2.0.
# Forgive the people of Krieg of their 1000 year old rebellion and tell them to stop being meatshields. Well, bigger meatshields than the guard usually are.
## They can even feel pride for being decent human beings again!
# Make deep strike safer so we don't have to fucking kill all the terminators
# Shoot whoever started the whole 'maetal bawkses' thing. I mean, Jesus, rhinos are elaborate machinery!
# Tell the Orks they're drunk and should go home.
# After collecting all the crux terminatus pieces, sell them on eBay and give all the money to THQ so they can finally fucking make Dark Millennium Online.
# Make warp dust into a smokable drug.
# Tell the Angry Marines to fuck themselves and thus piss them off even more.
# Make the Imperial Guard useful.
# Kill whoever wrote the last entry for extreme heresy.
# Give Commissar Yarrick better stats.
# Slap each and every [[Blood Angel]] for ever siding with or allowing their Battle-brothers to side with Necrons, at any point.
# Do a Word Bearers with said Blood Angels - in front of Guilliman's <s>preserved</s> body.
# Teach all my children's Legions that I made each of them different for a reason. Inform Ultramarines to "think of the next step" if things don't go as planned but tell them it's nothing personal. <s>Do CPR to Guilliman.</s> Already done.
# Give each guardsmen a pair of brass balls to intimidate their enemies/allies with.
# Trazyn was here.
# kill the idiot that didn't actually contribute and instead just signed his name.
# Eldrad was here too.
# CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDD.
# Find and anally rape <s>a Daemonette</s> Slaanesh.
# Take pictures of Schlicktau and give them to Faptau and Vice-versa
# Put a Giant Fleshlight in to a Emperor class Titan just to have another one fuck it/Fuck it himself
# Have a Ultramarine get lost in it.
# Make everyone look at Daemonette Titties for 1 hour a week.
# Install a Slut dispenser into the Golden Throne.
# Have Ultramarines drink alcohol so they are not so fucking boring. They might not be able to get drunk off of it, but that's what the elephant tranquillizer is for.
# Find out where my [[Sisters of Silence|Bitches of Silence]] went.
## How the fuck did Guilliman get them to come out of hiding.
## Girls love smurfs.
# Find the Sanguinor and beat him in a duel.
# Following my inevitable victory against the Sanguinor, find out who the fuck he is and bitch slap him. If he is Sanguinius he deserved it for not announcing himself for who he is and not fixing my <s>crumbling empi</s> <=HERESY. If he is not Sanguinius he gets another bitch slap for impersonating my second favorite son.
# Set the record straight regarding Ollanius Pius.
# Get Jango Fett to lead storm troopers.
## Clone him
## Use his gene-seed to create an army of Bounty Marines
## Get them to assassinate all the assassins
## Get them to assassinate the Assassino ministorum.
## Make them the new Assassino ministorum.
## Do not let him have a son. I don't want to deal with a Sarlacc pit every few years
# Organize the marriage of Miranda Nero and Captain Titus. If they wanted the plot of Space Marine, those two would've ended up getting married.
# On that note, I should allow Space Marines time to copulate with strong females. Would allow for a greater number of compatible gene seed initiates.
# Canonize Robin Willams [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robin_Williams] as a mother fucking Imperial Saint. Why? Because I like to laugh and he makes me feel good. THAT'S WHY!
# Resurrect [[Lord Solar Macharius]] as he seemed like a pretty competent general as well as a tactical genius.
## And heal his War Wounds so he can be fully badass.
# Play Cards Against Humanity.
# Resurrect those dumbass Inquisitors who started a war with the [[Space Wolves]] and then execute them as example for how fucking stupid they were
# By any means necessary get it into the Inquisition's thick skulls that they were wrong for a starting a war with the Space Wolves and apologize for being heartless dumbshits.
# Get some proper aircraft. We fucking need 'em.
# Change the battle doctrine of the Imperial Guard to rely more on air superiority and less on throwing waves of men and tanks the enemy.
# Cure [[Indrick Boreale]] of his speech impediment (and death).
# Find Vulkan
# Give him a hug and the rest of his Chapter too.
# Troll Trazyn the Infinite and steal his everything.
# Build an army of sexy robot waifus that don't need to carry weapons because they everything the need built into them. If some animes and JRPGs can do it then I can do it better. Also make them all lesbians
# Figure out which branch of the Imperium to put the above army into.
# Convince all orks that I'm the most powerful being in the universe and that I can't be killed.
# Include an online tutorial on Games Workshops' website for each game it sells. If it's good enough for Privateer Press and Fantasy Flight Games it's good enough for us.
# Do away with the practice of separating Terminator Squads between ranged and assault. The Dark Angels made the idea work and Terminators don't carry anything that warrants staying at long range as it is.
# Go back to before the Age of Strife and steal/reclaim all the the lost [[Standard Template Construct| STCs]], and whole Forge Worlds if necessary.
# Mass produce skimmer [[Fellblade| felblades]].
# Destroy all overused [[meme| memes]].
# Help the [[Necrons| 'crons]] reach their apotheosis thing, and then have the Angry Marines Cock nob 'em so they don't fuck with my Imperium.
# Get those two [[Sisters of Battle]] to confess to each other already. Seriously. I'm tired of them acting awkward and shy around each other when they are clearly in love.
# Install a speech device on the golden throne, just incase I need to fix the Imperium's fuckups if i fall asleep on the job again.
# Snort some warp dust.
# Stop the custodians from oiling themselves up and actually do somthing fucking useful
## How did Girlyman get them to do something.
# Give the Ultramarines a new role, as dog sitters for the Space Wolves.
## Correction: The Space Corgis
# Give the Dreadknight pilots a badass helmet or something so snipers don't destroy them
## Fuck, just make them tall Centurions at this point. Would be more effective than the stilts they are now.
# Go into the Rock and either bitchslap Luther or the Lion depending on who the Watchers in the Dark tattle on
# Upgrade all Imperial [[Titans]] so they can fly
# Find out what Watchers in the Dark actually look like under their robes.
# Find out what [[Angels Sanguine]] faces look like under their helmets. Bitch slap them - in the face (if it is actually possible). Every single one of them.
# Resurrect Relic, and ensure that they make the rest of the Space Marine Series, Titus deserves to be a motherfucking Primarch
# Make it imperial law that at least once a year every guardsman in the universe is allowed one free beer for the shit they do, hopefully that should prevent their temptation to go heretic on my arse
# Also, make a chain sword, sword chain to literally whip the imperium back into shape.
# Hold the Primarch of the year awards ceremony again, hopefully Horus can stay away this time.
# Prevent the victory of Chaos in [[The End Times]] so that Games Workshop has to advance the story instead of pulling a shit reboot that changes nothing
## Expect making Ground Marines and changing race names for no reason.
## Fuck you Mannfred.
# <s>Declare non-furry aliens that can interbreed with humans and have fertile off-spring close enough to being humans</s>{{BLAM}}
## So [[Love Can Bloom]] is a thing then. Well then my Webway for Eldar hookers isn't a lost cause then!
# Get better cooperation the Imperial Navy and Imperial Guard. I lose far too many brave gaurdsmen because the navy's incompetence leaves them without air support!
## COMBINED ARMS PEOPLE, THIS IS WHY WE HAVE MANUALS.
# <s>bring back the squats</s>{{BLAM}} {{BLAM|kill ALL the xenos!}}
## And bring the Demiurg too.
# Demote [[Commander Kubrik Chenkov]] because that idiot isn't fit to lead a parade, and put him in some random platoon that's never heard of him where he might actually kill more enemies than guardsmen.
# <s>Grab those Eldar and tau plasma weapons. I am not letting highly explosive weapons to stay in use. Seriously, It is like playing Russian Roulette with a [[Exterminatus]]</s>not needed anymore as the mechanicus had finally repaired it so that said russian roulette will only happen if the user overcharges the gun
## Also, get the laser rifles. NO. MOAAAR. FASHLIGGHTSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!
# Pat the Black Dragons on the back for putting up with all the shit that's thrown at them.
# Buy out Google and enforce Fair Use on Youtube with an iron fist.
# Berate the Adeptus Custodus for not preventing Goge Vandire's rise to power. Lazy fucks being lazy led to the worst thing for mankind since the Horus Heresy.
## Although considering they would much rather oil themselves, I'm guessing Vandire just bribed them with super lubricant.
# Steal a World Engine and start destroying Daemon Worlds with it.
# Have a backup plan for destroying Daemon Worlds if the World Engine can't do that.
# Finally defeat Leman Russ in an eating contest and a drinking contest.
# Find the Black Library and empty its contents. Then wreck it.
# Bring Ahriman to it and then trick him into thinking that the Black Library was just an elaborate hoax to troll him.
# Punish the Grey Knights for turning on the Space Wolves and not chopping the heads off those dumbass Inquisitors who decided the appropriate response to the Space Wolves wanting to spare the survivors of the Armageddon War was to try and kill them.
# Macha. Should. Be. FUCKED.
# Stop this whole "treating beastmen like mutants" thing. I did make them CITIZENS for a reason.
## I mean,they look better than all the gaunt, Necron looking women in the Imperium. I need a release too.
## <s>You know what? Furries are citizens too, so no more of this "furfaggotry" bullshit. I'd like you to show me something that could track a fucking mouse in a blizzard. Other than a space wolf.</s> {{BLAM}} EXTRA FUCKING HERESY YOU FUCKING FURFAG!
## A Felinid. We made them citizens so the others won't have bullshit arguments like this to be welcomed in.
## Bottle said tear, and give it to Girlyman. Then he might actually man up.
# Mix Speed, weed, heroin, cocaine, mushrooms, LSD, tobacco, pine-o-clean, petrol, diesel, battery acid, acid, salvia, some herbs and spices, some lettuce and tomato, some salt and vinegar, noodles, pretzels, pork scratchings, some doner kebab, vodka sauce, tabasco sauce, bam and the dirt is gone, red bull, Coca-Cola, Ajax spray and wipe, liquid hydrogen, protein shakes, some chicken and cheese, hash browns, jalapeno peppers, curry and wrap it all in a tortilla.
## Eat it.
## Make Leman Russ eat it.
## Make the hive mind eat it.
## Make Doomrider eat it. Laugh as his lightweight head explodes.
# Schola Progenium harem anime
## Starring [[Lucius the Eternal]]
# Visit that planet where I keep all of my pets. THEY BUILT A CITY!?
# Rematch the Void Dragon at that fight. Have the mechanicus duff all the others up.
# Get the mechanicus to make me an amp and a massive fucking pair of speakers, then attach them to a Baneblade, then plug in my holy guitar and shred so hard I make the Ordinatus Mars look like a disappointing fart.
# Bring back Warhammer Fantasy.
# Bring Horus back to life and kill him again.
# Find Mortarion and give him a bath.
# Find where those 100 Baneblades went...
# Have AdMec convert an Imperator Titan into my new power armor.
# Release an edict as to which order the gifts go in the song "The Twelve days of the feast of My ascension".
# Get Games Workshops to put free digital copies of all out of date codexes and army books on their website so fans of old books can still read them.
# Drain Khorn's blood lake, then eat his khorn flakes while watching sitting in his throne and watching something noblebright.
# Give Nurgle's garden a good spring cleaning, then perma-pork Isha.
# Delete Slaanesh's porn collection, then replace her crack with sugar.
## Also, create a extra strength anti-viagra and mix it in with the sugar.
## And whatever is the opposite of laxatives and mix that in with the sugar too.
# Ghostbust Tzeench's tower, then [[Blood Ravens|steal]] his change.
# If I have time, kill Khorn with kindness, kill Slaanesh with boredom, kill Nurgle with Mr. Clean, and kill Tzeench with Warhammer 40k's plot progression.
# Housebreak the [[Space Wolves|space corgis]].
# Make carnifex choke on a [[Ultramarines|smurf]] see what color it turns.
# Make a Warhammer fighting game
# Punch [[Lorgar]] in the face.
## Make him fuck the Lectio Divinitatus with sandpaper pages.
# <s>Punch the fucker who Blam'd me when I made numbers 441 and 443</s>{{BLAM}}
# {{BLAM}} a commissar cause it'll be funny
# Steal one of those [[Necron]] pylons and put them on Terra so that I no longer have to keep trying to not let it become a new Eye of Terror.
# <s>Make skub usage mandatory for all guardsmen</s>{{BLAM}}
# Catch all the C'tan shards and become the very best, the best that ever was.
# Give the Orks their home-world back. Those damn toaster fuckers on mars had no right to teleport it away and it turn it into Armageddon.
# Walk into [[Commorragh]], out troll and out dick [[Asdrubael Vect]], then bitch slap him to death in front of everyone in Commorragh.
## Then fuck [[Lelith Hesperax]] to death before I leave.
# Point out to AdMec that their statement that all technology already exists logically renders innovation impossible, as any attempt would only reproduce something that already exits. Secondly, some STC technology would be otherwise lost permanently. How's that for Divine Inspiration from the Omnissiah.
# Keep sending [[Kor'Sarro Khan]] to fight the Space Communists.
## <s>make sure he and Shadowsun get it on.</s>{{BLAM}} {{BLAM|Heresy!}}
## PROFIT.
# Kill all the Inquisitors who think it's a good idea to kill all [[Astropath|Astropaths]] and [[Navigator|Navigators]] (who we need to stop the Imperium falling apart), and [[Space Marines]] (because they are fucking awesome)
# Kill all the Inquisitors who thought that me dying and reincarnating into someone else was a good idea.
# Build a gun with enough [[Dakka]].
## Show it to the Orks.
## Let them fire at me til they run out of ammo.
## Laugh
## Show the Orks a gun with more than enough Dakka, and blast the shit out of them.
# Kill [[Lucius|Lucius the Eternal]] for good, as he can't possess me.
## Then resurrect everyone who got possessed, kill any Xenos and Chaos Worshippers who killed him, and bro fist anyone from the Imperium who killed him for being able to kill him.
# Dance, just do a little dance, I was stuck in a chair for 10000 years, it would feel good to move.
# Give the Lamenters a hug, they need it.
# Find out what the Blood R- chapter is from the bananastodes.
## And play the holo-game Dawn of War. I hear it's worth playing.
# Play Stellaris as Xenophobic/Militant Humans to see what the Great Crusade could have been.
# Make a Primarch out of the Commander of X-COM because he is far more competent than anyone in the Imperium.
# Attend Angelos' and Macha's wedding.
## And them promptly allow Eldrad to fuck shit up.
# Give my Caretaker Kitten pay since he doesn't get any
## Then send him to get tea
## And Carnifex crumpets
# Keep an eye on Rowboat Girlyman's waifu.
## Fuck, how many Primarchs, Space Marines, and Chapter masters have girlfriends now? Even if there isn't an actual connection?
## Keep an eye on the shippers.
### But don't read the fanfics.
# Cut off Faptau and Shlichtau hands.
# Eat a meatbread
# Rub some skrub on me bones, yarr.
# Work out that crick in my lower back.
# Go to Emprah Burger and get an Empy meal.
# Go back in time to finish the webway project and get Eldar prostitutes for myself and my sons. That should stop them from bitching constantly.
# Punch all the [[Marines Malevolent]] for being such dicks.
# Thank the [[Lamenters]] for getting shit done.
# Bitch-slap Guilliman for being a douchebag smurf.
# Bitch-slap the rest of the Ultratwats.
# Have my daily time with adorable centurion.
# Yell at the Inquisition and Grey Knights for thinking the Dark Angels are heretics.
# Officially rename the Primaris Primarysues.
# Drink ten pots of esspresso. Seriously, sitting stationary for about eleven millenia makes you need energy.
# Convince Ynnead to bring Sanguinius back to life. Then make him lord-commander of the Imperium.
# Make the battle cry of all gaurdsmen under twenty to be "For de Imperwium, oh fuck I dwopped my bwanket".
# Congratulate [[Dante]]
# Find out if Dante is who [[Sanguinius]] was talking about in his scrolls.
# Go get Magnymagic.
## Then screw him over in a game of Magic The Gathering with a mono-green deck.
## Subsequently keep screwing him over by psychically rigging every game.
# Find our who the fuck let Goge Vandire rule the Imperium and dickslap them.
# put a warp drive into a rhino and fly into the eye of terror, screaming MEATLE BAWKSERS because why the fuck not.
# Make Sly Marbo the ruler of the imperium because I need to catch up on shit that I missed while sitting on a motherfucking mechanical toilet for the the 10,000 fucking years!
# Tell mortaring to have a bath.
# Tell Abaddon to Grow a pair (of arms).
# Decide if traps are gay or not.
# Go digging through the ruins of Old Earth and find some tank designs from late M2/early M3.
# Figure out if Sly Marbo can talk.
## Or make any vocalizations other than "AAAAAAAAA," for that matter.
# I don't know, maybe get some tacos again
# Read this big fuck off list.
# Remove the numbers from the list, because it is supposed to be in no particular order
# Find the surviving Flame Falcons and help them rebuild. Then mind-fuck the inquisitor who declared them traitors.
# Steal a spacehulk, then take said spacehulk and pimp the fuck out of it.
## And after that is done, ram it in to that shit hole commorragh.
## But make sure to steal the drugs first before i do that.
# Assign entire regiments worth of sisters to every veteran regiment in the empire, those guardsmen need some lovin, and fire support.
## Name said sisters "whores of battle" and make them wear white robes, all for morale of course totally not to start filiming some hot guard on sister action.
### Which has nothing to do with sending a bunch of men-starved women to fight beside ''the'' most manly, courageous, manly, hardcore manly badasses in all of human existence.
# Figure out how to reverse entropy.
# Resurrect lieutenant Kage and bitch slap the daemon out of him, Then put him under Colonel Schaeffer again he's still got a Me damned job to do, Kage had figured it all out in the end also Resurrect lorii and make her a sister of battle.
# Carve a dick onto Guilliman's Helmet.
# Give Archmagos Cawl Tenure for actually being intelligent enough to improve the astartes design.
# Make an extermination service for Tyranids.
# Turn every First Founding chapter into a legion again.
# Simultaneously whip and nae nae
#Challenge Gork and Mork to a boxing match
#Catch up on some reading
#Resurrect Father Uriah and admit that I was a bit of a dick. Unless he has gotten up to some chaosy bullshit in the past 10,500 years, have a theology discussion with him after all we've both learned and see if he might make a better Ecclesiarch than the current bunch.
#find my power claw, and use it to fight yarrick in a one on one claw battle
##and after that resurrect fucking horus for a rematch
#make a search engine for this fucking list, because god damn is this shit long! How the fuck am I suppose to know what has and Hasin't been written down?!?!
#N.B: Find out what happened to my massive, uber awesome, Imperator Sonninum flagship. It is essential for the Great Crusade to begin anew
#Get therapy for my multiple personality disorder that is obviously the cause of the countless contradictions in this list
#Teach the [[Black Templars]] to not going around killing psykers, because the Imperium needs those to function.
##Make a point of emphasizing that other mutants are also not to be killed, unless they are traitors. Being a mutant doesn't count as treason.
#make the imperial palace daemon proof
##look, this isn't what he said (I'm but a lowly custodian), BUT COME ON! Do you know how hard it is to write down this FUCKING arse list while also protecting the emperor from, oh it don't know, daemons, crazed religious nutters, the occasional savage ork infestation of the lower levels, retired tech priests, and don't get me stated on those trice damned inquisitors who think the inter galaxy revolves around them! So in conclusion, fuck daemons, fuck nutters, fuck orks, fuck edgy tech nerds, and trice fuck inquisitors. Thank you.
#Outslap [[Marneus Calgar]]
#Put a limiter on [[Jaghatai Khan's]] gearbox to teach him the virtue of patience and show him what it feels like to try and drive anywhere on Terra (slow as fuck).
#Make sure evey single person in the Imperium knows about the [[Gray Knights]] and all they did in the past, that will teach them to kill loyal guardsmen for knowing of their existence.
##Then laugh as the [[Gray Knights]] slaughter thousands, thus making them more infamous.
#learn how to make attack helicopters, and no it's not so I can identify as one.
##Have all commissars shot guardsmen on site who honestly identify as an attack helicopter.
#Give Belisarius Cawl a promotion and a pat on the back for doing what the mechanicum is actually supposed to do.
#Eat some steak because I don’t want to just eat fucking comfort food and Carnifexes.
##See if cows still exist, along with pigs because bacon.
#Resurrect Elon Musk and make him Fabricator General of Mars.
#Have masterkey shotguns and M203 Grenade Launchers be standard issue for all lasguns. The Astra Militarum needs some fucking tactical flexibility.
##Give guardsmen sidearms because officers and Commissars shouldn’t be the only ones to have sidearms.
#Shove Erebus up Lorgar’s ass.
#Make those lore-video makers on YouTube be the official archivists of the Administratum. Maybe then the record keeping in the Imperium wouldn’t be so fucking spotty.
#Invite my sons over for a family dinner...may get a bit awkward between a few of them and I will need to prepare for a few holes in the wall, bolter rounds flying, chaos demons, angry Space Marines, and Vulkan bringing his jello mold he dyed [[Salamanders]] green.
#Give magnus a hug and tell him, he was a terrible son
#get 3 full legendary sets in warhammer 40k space wolf.
#play some Dawn of war 3
#Fuck everyone in the hole universe, so slanesh gets so strong that he destroys all other chaos Gods.
##????
###HOLY SHIT WHAT IS YODA DOING HERE!!!
####????????????????????????
#####VERY, VERY, VERY MUCH PROFIT
######??????????
#######?????????????????
########nope.
#Make a giant, universe - wide orgy.
#Forgive all my sons or create new sons so that I may recreate my Grand Crusade
##Make myself a god that I may stop the spread of Chaos, by becoing Chaos.
#Somehow create warpstorms inside the warp.
#Beat Nurgle in a Chilli Cook Off
##Hope he does just kill the judges
###Free the Eldar God from his Garden
####Bang Eldar God I freed from Nurgle's Garden

== Gathering Storm Special List ==
Holy shit, [[Games Workshop]] are actually doing some plot development for 40k. Okay, I'll make a special list just for anything that happens there.

# Get [[Ynnead]] to wake up fully so I have someone new to bitch-slap, but let him screw over [[Slaanesh]] first if I haven't already done it, as my time is to important to waste. Besides, the [[Eldar]] created Slaanesh, so let's give them a chance to sort it out.
## Actually make a deal with him, resurrect me or people I like if I need it (or can't be bothered to do it myself) and I won't bitchslap you.
# So [[Roboute Guilliman]] and some dude named [[Belisarius Cawl]] are creating some [[Primaris Marines|Neo-Space Marines]]. Okay, I'll see what they come up with, then make something even better.
## And definitely think of a better name than Primaris Marines.
###And tell Cawl to stop naming things after himself.
## And while I'm at it, make a super version of the Custodes, and give them even more bling.
# The [[Imperium]] has been cut in half by a massive warp storm. Okay, now I'm really pissed off. I am so going to close this.
## And the [[Eye of Terror]] has gotten bigger and enveloped Cadia. This both pisses me off and makes several points on the main list harder.
# So now [[Armageddon]] has been assaulted by a fuckton of [[Khorne]] [[daemons]]. I do hope the [[Orks]] and daemons kill each other, because it will be a pain in the ass for me to sort out.
# So [[Imotekh the Stormlord|Imotekh the Stormlord's]] empire just got a whole lot bigger, huh. Well at least the [[Tau]] has something new to fight. And the rest of them better not try anything with me, or I'll bitchslap them to death.
## And they won't be reanimating from that.
# Xenos are taking a back seat, and the focus is on the Imperium vs Chaos. Okay, I'm cool with that. Chaos really pisses me off.
## But I'm still gonna fuck over any xeno that pisses me off.
# Now that stats go above 10, I'm going to make a gun with Strength that's over 9000.
## My dick's Strength is over 9000. Just sayin.
# Set the Damocles Gulf back of fire. That was fucking awesome.
# Bitchslap the Tau's Fifth Sphere Expansion. I don't like those blue skinned motherfuckers.
## If possible, team up with the Farsight Enclaves to bitch slap the rest of the Tau.
#Four new Hive Fleets has appeared. But one of them is eating the others. Okay, see who wins, then stomp the survivors to death.
# Wait, is there really a chance the [[Sanguinius]] will return. Well if he does I'll make him tell me where he's been and what's he been up to for the past 10,000 years, on pain of bitchslapping.
## Same goes for any of the [[Primarchs]] that return.
#So [[Nurgle]] thinks he can take [[Ultramar]] for himself. Not cool. I'll going to punch the shit off him, the beat the crap out of him.
#[[Tzeentch]] is messing things up as well. I wonder, should I beat him intellectually or physically.
##Maybe punch him in the face then steal his books? He is a massive fucking nerd after all.
#How did [[Khorne]] attack [[Terra]]. He attacked my pad. As soon as I can, I'm going to find him, outrage him, then kick him in the balls so hard they explode.
##Also steal his throne.
##Then have the throne converted into golden skull decor for shits and giggles.
#Tell the AdMech that it time to start using some innovation. And reveal what secrets they've been keeping.

#Make the watchers in the dark imperial citizens and other loyal xenos loyal to the imperium I know I sanction there xeno race more than 10,000 years ago and there still keeping up a good fight
Give the surviveing men of iron a pardon produce them in limited quantities along with ai to help organize the imperium and help are navy limit there intelligence of the ai allso give the men of iorn to the navy so we don,t use more survitors or poor indentured people from serving on navy ships instead make the especially the latter, crew men and build more ships so we can solve a man power crisis will only convert people to survitors that actually deserve it.
# Instead of legion thing I’ll just do a bragged of five to ten chapters each because supreme smurf does have a point and call the task forces

# tell the imperal commanders and Guilliman wait to go for finely giving my guardsmen air support by giving the guard air support under there control
#make alternatives for Titans for the guard to use know just the thing mobile suits from a thing I watch
#make sure all guardsmen get even better equipment
# give Koorland slaughter a eulogy That is fitting how awesome he was because that guy was a real life action hero and probably one greatest of them all and build a statue and also while I’m add it add and imperium hall of fame yeah because the imperium needs a hall of awesome
# confirm lord Dante,s appointment
#congratulate Dorn for building the web way project that I plan
#make the offico assianorium and the Adeptus Mechanicus have and American football game for a replica of the golden cog it will be play yearly
#make an anime esque series of the war of the beast with the openings being butterfly kiss rave master and change for the the imperium I love the second opening the second opening will be muv luv alternative opening and will be the imperium I love and the third opening will be the meaning of truth from f zero legend and the forth opening will be the tsukate mad o tsukeute kudasa will be the fifth opening and for the opening will be must be something form legend of the galactic heroes it is going to 125 episode ona that is more ambitious than the legend of the galactic heroes
#make sure space marines who survived as long as Dante automatically work on government so long as the have good character
# give the vaprol swords a parade through out terra or holy terra

Celestial Lions

2020-04-30T00:12:26Z

2601:443:47F:3CA0:6460:126F:3328:EFAE:

{{Infobox Spess Mahreen Chapter
|Name = Celestial Lions
|Heraldry = [[File:Celestial_Lions_Livery.png|150px]]
|Battle Cry = "We are the Emperor's pride. [[A Song of Ice and Fire|Hear us roar!]]"
|Number =
|Founding = Sometime in the 38th Millennium
|Successors of = [[Imperial Fists]]
|Successor Chapters =
|Chapter Master = Unknown (Prevrously Ekene Dubaku [[Officio Assassinorum|who got shanked]] by [[Inquisition|pure salt]]
|Primarch = Rogal Dorn
|Homeworld = Elysium IX (destroyed, no thanks to the [[Rage|FUCKING INQUISITION]]
|Specialty = Messing with the [[Inquisition]], flanking tactics
|Strength = [[Grimdark|Less than 95]],formerly [[Noblebright|rebuilding??]]know 1000
|Allegiance = [[Imperium]]
|Colours = Gold, with blue helmet and pauldrons.
}}
{{topquote|Whoever corrects a mocker invites insults, whoever rebukes the wicked incurs [[Blam|abuse]].|The Bible, Proverbs 9:7 (New International Version)}}

The '''Celestial Lions''' (calling them "Celestial ''Loins''" would be a joke in poor taste, given their tremendous losses of late) are a chapter of [[Space Marines]] in the [[Warhammer 40,000]] universe. They are an object lesson of what happens to people who try and mess with the [[Inquisition]] without serious backup (like being a [[First Founding]] chapter). It is unknown if the Inquisition is going to survive the return object lesson of what happens to those who fuck with the Space Marines. Especially Space Marines who are now best-buds with the Black Templars.

== Chapter Culture==
The Celestial Lions are a very brotherly, compassionate chapter, whose fraternal nature comes from the fact that they only recruit from the warrior tribes of the world Elysium IX. As they all come from a culture that values community, legacy, and courage, all the Lions hold those values as paramount. More than most other chapters, their world's culture holds sway in their conduct. The Lions are very informal to those within their own ranks, with even basic battle brothers talking to their superiors as brothers and equals, though they are disciplined on the battlefield and they show great respect to the officers of other forces, particularly the other [[Black Templars|sons]] [[Imperial fists|of]] [[Crimson Fists|Dorn]]. Another quirk of their chapter culture is the [[Space Wolves|value they place on storytelling and the great respect they give to talented storytellers]]. Within their chapter it is common for a squad to gather and tell stories of their heroes and their own exploits before an engagement. If an outsider is present in one of their ships or bases the visitor is expected to pay for their "food and fire" by telling a story from their own people's legends or that individuals exploits and as such they love serving alongside guardsman for the [[Ollanius Pius|stories]] [[Ciaphas Cain|they]] [[Commissar Yarrick|tell]]. Though they are very different from their [[imperial fists|typical]] [[Black Templars|grim]] cousin chapters, they are proud sons of [[Rogal Dorn|Dorn]] through and through. Most of this can be inferred from the short story in the Helsreach book.

==Clash with the Inquisition==
The Celestial Lions came into conflict with the [[Inquisition]] during the pacification of the world Khattar. Khattar was a [[Ecclesiarchy|Shrine World]] with a large, faithful population. When the upper echelons of the priesthood fell into worship of the [[Chaos|Ruinous Powers]], an Inquisitor Lord by the name of Apollyon (which is the Greek equivalent of "Destroyer", i.e. [[Abaddon]]) called for an Imperial Navy blockade of the world in addition to Astartes support, a call that the Celestial Lions answered. After months of brutal fighting, the Celestial Lions managed to cut the head off the local heretic priests, and with that, the world's population lost the will to fight and surrendered to the Astartes. As the Lions were withdrawing, Inquisitor Apollyon decided that [[wat|since the priesthood had been corrupt, the surrendering and repentant civilian population must also be corrupt]], so he ordered Exterminatus on the planet. The Lions [[RAGE|were not fucking amused]]. After Apollyon refused to be held accountable for the senseless massacre, saying it was necessary, the Lions sent a Strike Cruiser with a delegation of Deathspeakers and Warleaders (Chaplains and Captains, respectively) to [[Terra|Holy Terra]] with the intention of entreating the High Lords of Terra to call the Inquisition to task over what they'd done. The ship was discovered two years later in Ork-controlled space, with nobody left alive in it, nowhere even close to its intended destination.

==Third War for Armageddon==
[[File:Celestial Lions Astartes.png|thumb|right|200px|They're as badass as they look]]
Fast-forward to the Third War for [[Armageddon]]. The entire chapter was deployed to a single hive, and thanks to spectacularly bad intelligence they ended up outnumbered, unsupported, and taking heavy losses at every battle, culminating in a mission in which the supposedly inactive Gargants they were sent to destroy proved to have been lying in wait for them along with several [[Ork]] warbands backing them up- all of which had apparently been warned of the Lions' planned attack some time beforehand. Matters came to a head when "[[Vindicare Assassin|Ork snipers]]" managed to take out most of the survivors (especially the Apothecaries), and their last [[Apothecary]] was found dead next to the Chapter's last [[Land Raider]] (having been shot through the head with a [[lasgun]] at point blank range and the gene-seed he was carrying stolen), leaving them without any means to recover the [[gene-seed]] from their fallen. The remaining 95 Lions realized that they had been marked for death and decided that they would fight off all the Orks on Armageddon or die trying, and contacted [[Grimaldus|Chaplain Grimaldus]] of the [[Black Templars]] to administer their last rites, but he insisted that the remainder of the Chapter could still restore its honour (and thus be allowed to leave) by slaying the warlord leading the Ork forces in the area. To support his weakened cousins Grimaldus used his influence as the 'Hero of Helsreach' to get support from several regiments of [[Imperial Guard]]. While much of the remaining forces of the Celestial Lions were wiped out in the attack, they were successful in redeeming themselves when Ekene Dubaku killed the Orkish Warlord with Grimaldus's help. The Inquisition abandoned their campaign against the remaining Lion's as the lesson had been thoroughly learnt and the Black Templars were now aware of it. Ekene, the Lion's only surviving Pride Leader (i.e. Squad Sergeant) was then named the new Chapter Master and given a couple of parting gifts by High Marshal Helbrecht himself: a suit of relic Imperial Fists power armor dating back to the [[Great Crusade]] along with a matching Relic Blade and the Strike Cruiser ''Blade of the Seventh Son''.

==Ultimate Fate==
The Lions are now working to rebuild with the help of a temporary detachment of Black Templar specialists, including some apothecaries and techmarines. Though it'll be hard considering there's less than ninety-five of them left and their homeworld is nuked, another Imperial Fists successor chapter recovered from near-extinction in less than a century after being reduced to 12 Marines in total. Plus, while the Inquisition may get away with bullying later-founded chapters, it would be tantamount to suicide for anyone to mess with the [[Black Templars|largest space marine <strike>legion</strike> chapter]] excluding the <strike>[[Dark Angels]]</strike>.

You would think with the Indomitus Crusade going on, It's more than likely Guilliman sent some Primaris Marines to rebuild the Lions, right? RIGHT?!. NOPE, TURNS OUT, this is not the case, the inquisitions saltyness was so severe that [[derp|they ended up never actually getting the information to CREATE PRIMARIS MARINES]] and had to get the information from their brother chapter the [[Emperor's Spears]].

The salt continues by the Inquisition when in the novel Spear of the Emperor states that Ekene Dubaku was beheaded by a [[Callidus]] posing as Thrall servant of Amadeus Kaias Incarius from the [[Mentors]]. Nobody expects the Inquisition indeed. Of course, this means the Inquisition, Officio Assassinorum, and the Mentors have dishonored and therefore majorly pissed off yet another Chapter ''and'' the Black Templars.

Out of universe this further proves that ADB is a hack for killing off cool characters to shill his OCs (debatable inasmuch Ekene Dubaku is also his OC). In universe on the other hand: "Ork snipers" could have been accepted for a time, grots are on the level of the human with the same ballistic skill after all. But now the Assassinorum has openly revealed itself in what most definitely qualifies as treason. Receiving Inquisitorial permission or orders to kill a Chapter for enforcing the Emperor's law is. . . complicated to say the least. On the face of it this is ''not'' an acceptable excuse for carrying out those blatantly treasonous orders, and the excuse of 'just following orders' has not flown since 945.M2. On the other hand, this is the Imperium of Man and the Inquisition basically IS the law. To put another way: if the [[Kryptman]] could have a whole moat of planets blown up to slow down a hive fleet, then basically this would not even be a drop in the grim dark bucket. All the Inqusition could have said is 'we have evidence he's a heretic take care of them' and the Assassinorum would not even have the authority to question that order. Except blowing up planets to stop a hive fleet is one thing, exterminating a Chapter of Space Marines for apparently no reason is something else entirely and would not be tolerated. Of course, with the player's knowledge we know there are so many sects in the Inquisition that it is likely one or more are conspiring to make this happen. It won't save the Inquisition from the rest of the Astartes getting pissed about it. The moment the Inquisition starts offing Chapters for getting in the way of pointless massacres and generally Space Marines doing their jobs is the moment the Astartes see the Inquisition as an obstacle to their duty. No obstacle to the Space Marines has ever survived their...removal.

Regardless when/if this gets back to Guilliman some heretics are gonna ''die'' and the Inquisition it self could take a major hit.

==Trivia==
* "[[Ork Snipers]]" has since become slang for [[Vindicare]] assassins, or more generally for any implausible cover story for an [[Inquisition]] action.
** You know who else have golden armour, blue details and star patterns? [[Stormcast Eternals|Hammers of Sigmar]]. Funny, huh?
**Blue glitter paint, or clear glitter over blue, is much easier than painting individual stars.
* Also, "Ekene Dubaku" (Emperor rest his soul) is a badass as fuck name.
*They love catnip
*They do not use actual lions. Celestial or otherwise.

==Daily Routines==
04:00- Wake-Up: The Celestial Lions awaken. They immediately recite a litany of hate upon the Inquisition.

05:00- Morning Prayer: The Celestial Lions pray to tell amazing stories, as well as troll the Inquisition. Any brother caught praying for mercy from the Inquisition is sent to the Deathwatch.

06:00- Morning Firing Rites: The Celestial Lions tell stories to each other, and laugh heartily amongst themselves. Their targets are painted to look like Inquisitors, though some of the targets look '''VERY''' life-like.

07:00- Morning Battle Practice: The Celestial Lions reenact battles they have been in to entertain the neophytes and children of the Imperium. Sometimes, a human dressed as an inquisitor will be the victim of a plethora of slapstick jokes.

08:00- Morning Feast: A great feast is prepared by the chapter serfs. The serfs are invited to join the battle brothers at the table as they tell stories and tales of heroic deeds. Any serf who has the best story about being a troll is immediately inducted into the scout company.

09:00- Tactical Indoctrination: The Celestial Lions gather to make fun of the Inquisition. All the Ordos, as well as the Deathwatch and Grey Knights are talked copius amounts of shit. However, any battle brother who sullies the name of the Sororitas is immediately appointed as the chapter's Inquisitorial laison for his heresy.

12:00- Afternoon Feast: The Chapter gathers to laugh and tell more stories of great deeds. Serfs are encouraged to participate, encouraging them to criticize and throw the best insult at the inquisition whenever possible.

14:00- Afternoon Firing Rites: Inquisitorial agents, soldiers, and assassins sent after them placed in a field for target practice. Many times, the chapter serfs are allowed to take a few shots as well.

16:00- Afternoon Battle Practice: The Celestial Lions meet with their Black Templar pals to practice melee and mechanized combat.

18:00- Evening Feast: The Celestial Lions, Black Templars, and chapter serfs all enjoy a nice meal. Everyone shares stories and tell of their feats, from killing T'au commanders and Ork Warbosses, to trolling [[Chris-chan|Zis-chan]].

19:00- Free time: The Celestial Lions tell each other more stories as their Templar friends depart. Whenever they find the Inquisitorial spy hiding in the air ducts, they drag him out and force him to watch video clips of T'au beating humans in melee. The sheer rage and disgust that appears on his face entertains the entire chapter.

20:00- Bedtime: The Celestial Lions let the spy go, and turn in for the day. Before they do so, the chapter master tells them all a bedtime story.

==Gallery==
<Gallery>
File:Black Library Armageddon by ukitakumuki.jpg|Black Templars [[Grimaldus]] and Pride Leader Ekene Dubaku kickin' Ork asses. Note how Grimaldus is far too much of a badass to look where he’s shooting.
File:Black Library Blood and Fire by ukitakumuki.jpg|Ekene Dubaku rocking the Bolt Carbine... Totally awesome. In other news, Grimaldus still isn’t looking where he’s shooting.
File:Ork Snipers.jpg|So True.
File:Celestial Lions.jpeg|We present to you, the celestial lions!
File:Celestial lions apothecary by rhoadesd20-d5941zd.jpg|A Celestial Lion Apothecary falling victim to an "Ork Sniper"
File:Celestial Lion from Space Marine Adventures.jpg|The GW hasn't forgotten about Celestial Lions! A Lion in the Space Marine Adventures expansion set.
</Gallery>

{{Marines-Official}}

White Scars

2020-04-29T23:29:28Z

2601:443:47F:3CA0:6460:126F:3328:EFAE: /* Daily Rituals of a White Scar */

{{Infobox Spess Mahreen Chapter
|Name = White Scars
|Heraldry = [[file:Whitescarslogo.png]]
|Battle Cry = "For the Khan and the Emperor!"
|Number = V
|Original Name = Star Hunters
|Founding = [[First Founding]]
|Successor Chapters = [[Dark Hunters]], [[Destroyers]], [[Iron Talons]], [[Mantis Warriors]], [[Marauders]], [[Rampagers]], [[Storm Lords]], [[Storm Reapers]]
|Chapter Master = Jubal Khan
|Primarch = [[Jaghatai Khan]]
|Homeworld = [[Chogoris]]
|Specialty = Fast attack units, bikes, and Librarians
|Strength = 1,000
|Allegiance = [[Imperium of Man]]
|Colours = White and red
}}
{{Topquote|The greatest joy for a man is to defeat his enemies, to drive them before him, to take from them all they possess, to see those they love in tears, to ride their horses, and to hold their wives and daughters in his arms.
|The Mighty Genghis Khaan, as quoted in the Jami-al-Tawarikh of Rashid Al-Din Tabib}}
{{Topquote|He carried the ''sulde'' for the sake of his kinsmen. He plunged into battle with the dogs. "I will massacre them all," he said, "and take back my horses.|Manas-e-Destani, the epic saga of Kyrgyzstan}}
{{Topquote|как Мамай прошел!" - "It's as if Mamai has passed here!|A Russian saying meaning a great catastrophe has taken place, referencing a ferocious Tatar warlord}}
{{Topquote|Bread 2 Ryde"|An ancient foreseeing from an ancient Terra, probably an illiterate drunken shaman or something.}}

The '''White Scars''' (although to themselves, they are named the "Horde of Jaghatai") are a [[Chapter]] of [[Space Marines]] that are basically [[Mongols]] in [[Power Armor]] and on bikes, in contrast to the Space Vikings of the [[Space Wolves]] and Space Vampires of the [[Blood Angels]]. Their [[Primarch]] was known as [[Jaghatai Khan]]. Their requisite one-trick-pony is hit-and-run attacks, which they do on those sweet bikes of theirs. They are specifically a mixture of Mongols and Tatars, with very strong Chinese influence (think Yuan dynasty) and a few sparingly-used sprinkles of Japan. Due largely to [[Chris Wraight]]'s and the [[Black Library]] cover artists' attempts to be respectful to these cultures, this leaves them surprisingly aesthetically diverse - the White Scars recruit from a collection of heterogenous tribes rather than a single unified culture, meaning their depicted hairstyles and armour customisations can come from pretty much anywhere in and any historical period of East Asia in general.

Also, their bikes (mounts?) don't give a fuck about difficult terrain [[Skyrim|(Bitch, I'm a bike!)]].

In the meta, they've probably benefited the most from the Horus Heresy, with Chris Wraight finally building them beyond the very basics of their fluff and keeping them well away from the derpery which has often afflicted other Legions. Even their cameos in other Legions' stories have been badass.

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jM8dCGIm6yc This is their themesong]. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pzmI3vAIhbE Or maybe this]. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJEcnah6TRg Or perhaps this]. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pD1gDSao1eA Or this one].

They now have an officially released Codex Supplement for 8e.

==History==

In the Unification Wars, the Vth legion served as the eyes and ears of the unifiers. They were the scouts of big E, who sought out anyone who dared oppose Him. They traveled through the devastated landscape of Terra, often in small groups of a few dozen, looking for any enemies or foes in the wasteland. When the unification of Terra ended, the emperor split Vth the legion into pioneer companies of several hundred marines to scout the frontier. These pioneer companies were all related by gene seed, but were otherwise independent divisions. The pioneer companies would always travel far ahead of the main expeditions, following warp currents to places unknown.

This behavior was also the origin of the legion's preference for hit and run tactics. Since the pioneer companies were almost always fighting against foes that outnumbered them, it was pretty much the only option for them. They would perform raids and surprise attacks on the enemy, learning the strategies and tactics of the enemy, and then pass on what they learned to other expedition. Though some like Horus appreciated them, (he was especially fond of the pioneer company that discovered his homeworld, and was amused that the captain reported that "it was a nest of serpents coiling in the dark that we would be better to destroy") the Vth legion's battles were seldom given attention, though none of the "legion" were especially upset over this, and they kept to themselves anyway.

Finally, Jaghatai was found (ironically, by the Luna Wolves instead of the pioneer companies). Unifying his "legion" was not an easy task, as the pioneer companies had fought indepedently for so long that even other members of the Vth were seen as outsiders. When all the legionnaires had come to Chogoris (this process took nearly a decade), the Khan made all present undergo a Chogorian ritual, which involved first scarification, and then choosing a new name. To further solidify the bonds between members, Jaghatai and his men participated in the age old Spehss Mehreen bonding exercise of killing Orks. The khan deployed his men such that the initiated Chogorians would fight alongside the Terrans, and that the warriors would have to rely on others to defeat the foes. A tenth of the legion died in the battle, but the remaining came out as a unified legion for perhaps the first time in their history.

===Horus Heresy===

When Horus flipped out and started having his little tantrum, the White Scars were on the far side of nowhere from the rest of the Imperium, having a grand old time killing Orks on Chondax. Because of this, they had no idea what was going on until they started to receive contradictory messages from both sides. Horus sent them a message claiming that the Space Wolves had turned traitor and fragged Prospero, while Rogal Dorn told them that ''Horus'' was the traitor and recalled them to Terra. Just to make things more complicated, the Alpha Legion showed up unexpectedly and set up a blockade of the Chondax system, and then they also received a distress call from the Wolves, who were getting pummeled by the Alpha Legion at the Alaxxes Nebula. Jaghatai considered all this, then decided to go figure out what was going on for himself. The Scars blew past the Alpha Legion fleet with their superior speed, told the Wolves to have a nice winter, and took off for Prospero. There, the Khan discovered a shard of [[Magnus]] that had been left behind after [[Burning of Prospero|the furries' outing.]] The shard explained that both sides were correct, from a certain point of view: Russ and the Wolves had indeed blown Prospero to hell, but Magnus had sort of brought it on himself, and Horus and his allies were the real traitors. At this point, [[Mortarion]] turned up with a Death Guard fleet, hoping to recruit Jaghatai for Team Horus. The Khan laughed in his face, pointed out that Morty had chosen the side which stood for everything he hated, and dueled him for a while.

While all this was going on, some of the Terran White Scars were trying to force the legion to declare for Horus; they almost succeeded, but one of the legion's mortal officers was able to teleport the Khan back up to his flagship. He revealed what he'd learned to the Scars, and the pro-Horus faction surrendered. Some were executed, while the rest were formed into suicide squads called the Sagyar Mazan and sent out to kill traitors until they died themselves. The Khan opted to go fight a guerrilla war against the Traitor Legions, though not before swearing that he would return to Terra when needed. The Scars actually did a fairly good job of tying up Horus' forces for a while, but after four years of relentless attritional warfare, they realized it was time to head for Terra before they were cut off and destroyed. The legion rallied at the Catallus [[Warp Rift]], where they found a Webway portal controlled by a device called the Dark Glass. While they were studying the Dark Glass, the Death Guard caught up with them, once again led by Mortarion, [[RAGE|who was starting to take things personally]]. In the end, though Jaghatai wished to make a last stand against the traitors, his Chief [[Librarian|Stormseer]] [http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Targutai_Yesugei|Targutai Yesugei] used the Dark Glass to open a Webway portal to Terra, and Jaghatai and the legion took their chance. The last of the Sagyar Mazan squads remained behind to delay the Death Guard, and ''nearly'' got Mortarion killed on the Khan's flagship by holding him there until the ship's reactor exploded.

The Scars were one of the three loyalist legions that fought in the [[Siege of Terra]], alongside the Imperial Fists and the Blood Angels. We don't know much about their role in the battle yet, except that they recaptured an important spaceport so that loyalist reinforcements could be brought in, [[If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device|and that the Khan apparently spent at least part of the siege commanding his legion from atop a Razorback.]]

===M41===
When the [[Great Rift]] opened near Chogoris, the [[Red Corsairs]] invaded the sector, leaving behind corruption and is currently entrenched in the sector. The White Scars fought off the Red Corsairs, several Warbands, and daemons beside the united tribals. That's right, [[Awesome|the White Scars pretty much ''on their own'' beat back a force that could be capable of challenging Abbadon's own Black Legion and his allied Warbands]]. The current chapter master Jubal was injured but still leads from the infirmary. He was tortured beyond the Imperium's ability to repair but remains sane, keen, and awake. He now leads the Chapter remotely, seeing through outriders and giving orders on a segmentum scale. If anything, his skills have increased as he now can devote his attention fully to commanding his men and leaving the rest to his subordinates.

==Organization==
They are also known for their sweet mustaches and the Scars they make on their faces upon induction into the Chapter. They are '''also''' known for the Scars they make on the enemies of the Emprah's faces '''after''' induction into the Chapter. Which is introduced into the chapter after Jaghatai was reunited with the 5th Legion, (i.e. his legion) as he had recently united the fierce tribes of the Talksar tribesmen. Never mind that many Talksar did join the legion due to their loyalty to Jaghatai. Also, they only recruit from Jaghatai's adopted homeworld: Mundus Planus (known as Chogoris to the natives). Up until the Horus Heresy, there was a mix of Terran and Chogorian legionaries, and quite likely many legionaries from other diverse planets across galaxy prior to their reunion with Jaghatai.

[[File:3d0a524229f9c180bcf4689948e874e6.jpg|thumb|600px|left|For those of us who want to play barbarous Marines without [[Space Wolves|being a furry]] or [[Chaos Space Marine|worshipping Satan]].]]

And of course the whole biker thing makes slower moving tanks and troops (like Devastators) rare; in their place they have a large amount of drop pods, Land Speeders and Rhinos. Plus bikes, lots and lots of bikes. Space bikes.

They have an incredibly deep, abiding rivalry with the [[Raven Guard]] because of their conflicting general tactical doctrines - according to Deathwatch, a failure to cooperate in an old war campaign destroyed any chances of fostering ties they might've had. While the Raven Guard prefers to lie in wait and plan out their attacks down to the letter to ensure the most efficient results are achieved when they finally start their attacks, the White Scars pretty much does the opposite and just rush in chainswords drawn, using their fast-attack specialty to overwhelm their opponents with sheer speed and force. Despite the animosity, the two forces have fought alongside one another on multiple occasions, and it's worth noting it's more of a competitive rivalry in any case. Plus lately the Ravens rode shotgun on a Great Hunt, which made for a great bonding exercise.

Despite their savage image, much like their main inspiration, they're actually one of the most cultured legions (and by far one of the best-groomed) in the current Imperium, with aspirants having to take up pursuits like poetry, painting and calligraphy (often about their battles), and wearing silks in their downtime. As a result, they don't like hanging around with the [[Space Wolves|mad drunk Vikings who treat the whole barbarian thing like a badge of honour]]. The only cultural traits they share are hunting (though it's hinted at that the Scars are more into falconry) and really enjoying their job, frequently admonishing recruits to laugh and smile when fighting. Hey, if you can channel the myriad of emotions, good, bad, and ugly the battlefield brings into sheer thrill then you've found the only glory (and perhaps psychopathy) there is in war. Unfortunately, they don't hang out with anyone apart from their successors, so the rest of the Imperium has kept this misconception for millennia. Their Primarch and Legion were also perhaps the only ones besides Guilliman and Lion to realize that they are, in fact, living weapons and not really more than that. Unlike certain losers who realized this and went all grimderp, the White Scars embraced this and were totally fine with. It was their purpose, simple as that. Everyone likes knowing their purpose (except people who spent centuries deluding themselves).

They used to get on well with the Luna Wolves - particularly the Terran portion of the Legion, many of whose members had aspired to join the other Legion only to find themselves seconded to the Scars (the Scars seem to have ranked just below the Space Wolves and World Eaters as the Legion aspirants most dreaded being assigned to). As a result of this, the Terran Khans tended to favour a mix of White Scars and Luna Wolves organisation and doctrine, to the point that they resented Jaghatai's leadership for being "flighty" compared to Horus' fully committed, crushing attacks. Their relationship with the sons of Horus brought the Warrior Lodges into the White Scars. This was fairly harmless at first, and might have helped bring the Terran and Chogorian Astartes together in time.

But then the Horus Heresy happened. The Lodge members were duped into rebelling against their Primarch and trying to force the Scars into declaring for Horus. They were kept in the dark about the whole Chaos and rebellion thing - as far as they were aware the only act of rebellion was the Space Wolves' smashing the Thousand Sons. Unlike the <s>[[Fallen]]</s> :{{Blam|+++FOUL TRAITORS COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO THE FIRST LEGION+++}}, these traitors were overwhelmed, eventually realized Horus was messing with some [[Warp|seriously fucked up shit]] and performed suicide missions to redeem themselves.

The Chogorian portion of the legion, on the other hand, used to be big bros with the [[Thousand Sons]], having Chogorian artistic culture colliding perfectly with the Prosperian knowledge-seeking and nerdity, not to mention the high positions psykers had in both legions. The fact that the Space Furries pretty much forced TS into turning to Chaos does not play well with Scars even to this day, which stacks with their dislike of Wolves' "barbarian and proud of it" shtick (which is ironic considering modern-day Mongolia has a drinking culture that makes Russians look like sissy lightweights).

One might imagine the Imperium being on high alert against the Scars, seeing as only two legions they ever got along with went traitor, but surprisingly it's not the case. May have something to do with them being the heroes of the Siege of Terra.

Their current [[Chapter Master]], or rather, 'Great Khan' is Jubal Khan, whose namesake once kicked Sigismund in the face. Legends are told of his sweet mustache across the entire length and breadth of the Imperium, which the mustache also spans. The Khan's bodyguard, the Keshig, are the only White Scars known to use Terminator Armour - presumably they wait until he's stuck in and teleport down onto the field, since it's hard to imagine Jubal letting things as insignificant as 'common sense' or 'letting your bodyguards do their job' get in the way of charging the enemy at mach 1.5.

They probably get along well with the Attilan Rough Riders. If they'd been the first to encounter the Interex instead of the Luna Wolves, the two factions would have probably got along pretty well except for the [[Interex]]'s implied issues about psykers. Also, the Scars would've dug that cyber-centaur armour.

==Daily Rituals of a White Scar==
04:00 - Rousing from slumber. The White Scars get up from their bikes.

04:10 - Grooming. White Scars tend to their mustaches and long, flowing hair.

05:00 - Morning Prayer. Those who have mustaches pray to the God-Emperor for the strength to defeat their enemies..those without might pray for mustaches

06:00 - Morning Firing Rites. White Scars practice with their bike-mounted weaponry.
[[File:WhiteScars.JPG|200px|thumb|right|Quan Zhou, the White Scar [[Fortress-monastery]]]]
07:00 - Battle Practice. White Scars practice beheading a target with a single stroke of their swords during a 100 mph driveby.

12:00 - Midday Prayer. White Scars pray for their bikes to perform well in the coming afternoon. Those without fabulous mustaches might pray more desperately for mustaches.

13:00 - Midday Meal. White Scars consume the various meats they had put under their saddles during the morning exercises. Meal is now properly cooked from the heat of the bike, the metallic, promethium-like flavor is said to add to the taste. Milk mixed with promethium from their bikes is consumed as well.

13:15 - Tactical Indoctrination. White Scars are informed on which foes are the latest to elude the Chapter.

15:00 - Battle Practice. White Scars practice beheading a target with a single stroke while hanging upside down from a Land Speeder.

20:00 - Evening Prayer. White Scars give thanks to the Emperor for another productive day. The younger battle brothers fervently praise the emperor when they find stubble on their faces.

21:00 - Evening Meal. A feast is provided by the Chapter serfs, consisting mostly of horse meat and Har Airag (fermented horse milk). Partaking in drunken throat singing is encouraged -- Jaghatai Khaani Magtaal (A Song of Praise for Jaghatai Khaan) is a particular favourite.

21:45 - Night Firing Exercises. The White Scars practice formations in the dark. Any marine who crashes into another is disciplined.

23:00 - Maintenance Rituals. White Scars spend time maintaining and customizing their bikes.

23:45 - Free Time. White Scars prefer to spend this time on things like poetry (about their battles), painting (their battles) and calligraphy (writing about their battles). Others opt for more time on the bike

00:00 - Rest Period. White Scars return to (or park) their bikes and sleep on them.

==See Also==
*[[Brother Konig]]
*[[Kor'sarro Khan]]
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jM8dCGIm6yc White Scars attributed battle hymn.]
* <s> [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ezd24krgiQ Another song that fits PERFECTLY for White Scars] </s> Destoryed by the Google hivemind

{{Marines-Official}}

White Scars

2020-04-29T23:27:48Z

2601:443:47F:3CA0:6460:126F:3328:EFAE: /* Daily Rituals of a White Scar */

{{Infobox Spess Mahreen Chapter
|Name = White Scars
|Heraldry = [[file:Whitescarslogo.png]]
|Battle Cry = "For the Khan and the Emperor!"
|Number = V
|Original Name = Star Hunters
|Founding = [[First Founding]]
|Successor Chapters = [[Dark Hunters]], [[Destroyers]], [[Iron Talons]], [[Mantis Warriors]], [[Marauders]], [[Rampagers]], [[Storm Lords]], [[Storm Reapers]]
|Chapter Master = Jubal Khan
|Primarch = [[Jaghatai Khan]]
|Homeworld = [[Chogoris]]
|Specialty = Fast attack units, bikes, and Librarians
|Strength = 1,000
|Allegiance = [[Imperium of Man]]
|Colours = White and red
}}
{{Topquote|The greatest joy for a man is to defeat his enemies, to drive them before him, to take from them all they possess, to see those they love in tears, to ride their horses, and to hold their wives and daughters in his arms.
|The Mighty Genghis Khaan, as quoted in the Jami-al-Tawarikh of Rashid Al-Din Tabib}}
{{Topquote|He carried the ''sulde'' for the sake of his kinsmen. He plunged into battle with the dogs. "I will massacre them all," he said, "and take back my horses.|Manas-e-Destani, the epic saga of Kyrgyzstan}}
{{Topquote|как Мамай прошел!" - "It's as if Mamai has passed here!|A Russian saying meaning a great catastrophe has taken place, referencing a ferocious Tatar warlord}}
{{Topquote|Bread 2 Ryde"|An ancient foreseeing from an ancient Terra, probably an illiterate drunken shaman or something.}}

The '''White Scars''' (although to themselves, they are named the "Horde of Jaghatai") are a [[Chapter]] of [[Space Marines]] that are basically [[Mongols]] in [[Power Armor]] and on bikes, in contrast to the Space Vikings of the [[Space Wolves]] and Space Vampires of the [[Blood Angels]]. Their [[Primarch]] was known as [[Jaghatai Khan]]. Their requisite one-trick-pony is hit-and-run attacks, which they do on those sweet bikes of theirs. They are specifically a mixture of Mongols and Tatars, with very strong Chinese influence (think Yuan dynasty) and a few sparingly-used sprinkles of Japan. Due largely to [[Chris Wraight]]'s and the [[Black Library]] cover artists' attempts to be respectful to these cultures, this leaves them surprisingly aesthetically diverse - the White Scars recruit from a collection of heterogenous tribes rather than a single unified culture, meaning their depicted hairstyles and armour customisations can come from pretty much anywhere in and any historical period of East Asia in general.

Also, their bikes (mounts?) don't give a fuck about difficult terrain [[Skyrim|(Bitch, I'm a bike!)]].

In the meta, they've probably benefited the most from the Horus Heresy, with Chris Wraight finally building them beyond the very basics of their fluff and keeping them well away from the derpery which has often afflicted other Legions. Even their cameos in other Legions' stories have been badass.

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jM8dCGIm6yc This is their themesong]. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pzmI3vAIhbE Or maybe this]. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJEcnah6TRg Or perhaps this]. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pD1gDSao1eA Or this one].

They now have an officially released Codex Supplement for 8e.

==History==

In the Unification Wars, the Vth legion served as the eyes and ears of the unifiers. They were the scouts of big E, who sought out anyone who dared oppose Him. They traveled through the devastated landscape of Terra, often in small groups of a few dozen, looking for any enemies or foes in the wasteland. When the unification of Terra ended, the emperor split Vth the legion into pioneer companies of several hundred marines to scout the frontier. These pioneer companies were all related by gene seed, but were otherwise independent divisions. The pioneer companies would always travel far ahead of the main expeditions, following warp currents to places unknown.

This behavior was also the origin of the legion's preference for hit and run tactics. Since the pioneer companies were almost always fighting against foes that outnumbered them, it was pretty much the only option for them. They would perform raids and surprise attacks on the enemy, learning the strategies and tactics of the enemy, and then pass on what they learned to other expedition. Though some like Horus appreciated them, (he was especially fond of the pioneer company that discovered his homeworld, and was amused that the captain reported that "it was a nest of serpents coiling in the dark that we would be better to destroy") the Vth legion's battles were seldom given attention, though none of the "legion" were especially upset over this, and they kept to themselves anyway.

Finally, Jaghatai was found (ironically, by the Luna Wolves instead of the pioneer companies). Unifying his "legion" was not an easy task, as the pioneer companies had fought indepedently for so long that even other members of the Vth were seen as outsiders. When all the legionnaires had come to Chogoris (this process took nearly a decade), the Khan made all present undergo a Chogorian ritual, which involved first scarification, and then choosing a new name. To further solidify the bonds between members, Jaghatai and his men participated in the age old Spehss Mehreen bonding exercise of killing Orks. The khan deployed his men such that the initiated Chogorians would fight alongside the Terrans, and that the warriors would have to rely on others to defeat the foes. A tenth of the legion died in the battle, but the remaining came out as a unified legion for perhaps the first time in their history.

===Horus Heresy===

When Horus flipped out and started having his little tantrum, the White Scars were on the far side of nowhere from the rest of the Imperium, having a grand old time killing Orks on Chondax. Because of this, they had no idea what was going on until they started to receive contradictory messages from both sides. Horus sent them a message claiming that the Space Wolves had turned traitor and fragged Prospero, while Rogal Dorn told them that ''Horus'' was the traitor and recalled them to Terra. Just to make things more complicated, the Alpha Legion showed up unexpectedly and set up a blockade of the Chondax system, and then they also received a distress call from the Wolves, who were getting pummeled by the Alpha Legion at the Alaxxes Nebula. Jaghatai considered all this, then decided to go figure out what was going on for himself. The Scars blew past the Alpha Legion fleet with their superior speed, told the Wolves to have a nice winter, and took off for Prospero. There, the Khan discovered a shard of [[Magnus]] that had been left behind after [[Burning of Prospero|the furries' outing.]] The shard explained that both sides were correct, from a certain point of view: Russ and the Wolves had indeed blown Prospero to hell, but Magnus had sort of brought it on himself, and Horus and his allies were the real traitors. At this point, [[Mortarion]] turned up with a Death Guard fleet, hoping to recruit Jaghatai for Team Horus. The Khan laughed in his face, pointed out that Morty had chosen the side which stood for everything he hated, and dueled him for a while.

While all this was going on, some of the Terran White Scars were trying to force the legion to declare for Horus; they almost succeeded, but one of the legion's mortal officers was able to teleport the Khan back up to his flagship. He revealed what he'd learned to the Scars, and the pro-Horus faction surrendered. Some were executed, while the rest were formed into suicide squads called the Sagyar Mazan and sent out to kill traitors until they died themselves. The Khan opted to go fight a guerrilla war against the Traitor Legions, though not before swearing that he would return to Terra when needed. The Scars actually did a fairly good job of tying up Horus' forces for a while, but after four years of relentless attritional warfare, they realized it was time to head for Terra before they were cut off and destroyed. The legion rallied at the Catallus [[Warp Rift]], where they found a Webway portal controlled by a device called the Dark Glass. While they were studying the Dark Glass, the Death Guard caught up with them, once again led by Mortarion, [[RAGE|who was starting to take things personally]]. In the end, though Jaghatai wished to make a last stand against the traitors, his Chief [[Librarian|Stormseer]] [http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Targutai_Yesugei|Targutai Yesugei] used the Dark Glass to open a Webway portal to Terra, and Jaghatai and the legion took their chance. The last of the Sagyar Mazan squads remained behind to delay the Death Guard, and ''nearly'' got Mortarion killed on the Khan's flagship by holding him there until the ship's reactor exploded.

The Scars were one of the three loyalist legions that fought in the [[Siege of Terra]], alongside the Imperial Fists and the Blood Angels. We don't know much about their role in the battle yet, except that they recaptured an important spaceport so that loyalist reinforcements could be brought in, [[If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device|and that the Khan apparently spent at least part of the siege commanding his legion from atop a Razorback.]]

===M41===
When the [[Great Rift]] opened near Chogoris, the [[Red Corsairs]] invaded the sector, leaving behind corruption and is currently entrenched in the sector. The White Scars fought off the Red Corsairs, several Warbands, and daemons beside the united tribals. That's right, [[Awesome|the White Scars pretty much ''on their own'' beat back a force that could be capable of challenging Abbadon's own Black Legion and his allied Warbands]]. The current chapter master Jubal was injured but still leads from the infirmary. He was tortured beyond the Imperium's ability to repair but remains sane, keen, and awake. He now leads the Chapter remotely, seeing through outriders and giving orders on a segmentum scale. If anything, his skills have increased as he now can devote his attention fully to commanding his men and leaving the rest to his subordinates.

==Organization==
They are also known for their sweet mustaches and the Scars they make on their faces upon induction into the Chapter. They are '''also''' known for the Scars they make on the enemies of the Emprah's faces '''after''' induction into the Chapter. Which is introduced into the chapter after Jaghatai was reunited with the 5th Legion, (i.e. his legion) as he had recently united the fierce tribes of the Talksar tribesmen. Never mind that many Talksar did join the legion due to their loyalty to Jaghatai. Also, they only recruit from Jaghatai's adopted homeworld: Mundus Planus (known as Chogoris to the natives). Up until the Horus Heresy, there was a mix of Terran and Chogorian legionaries, and quite likely many legionaries from other diverse planets across galaxy prior to their reunion with Jaghatai.

[[File:3d0a524229f9c180bcf4689948e874e6.jpg|thumb|600px|left|For those of us who want to play barbarous Marines without [[Space Wolves|being a furry]] or [[Chaos Space Marine|worshipping Satan]].]]

And of course the whole biker thing makes slower moving tanks and troops (like Devastators) rare; in their place they have a large amount of drop pods, Land Speeders and Rhinos. Plus bikes, lots and lots of bikes. Space bikes.

They have an incredibly deep, abiding rivalry with the [[Raven Guard]] because of their conflicting general tactical doctrines - according to Deathwatch, a failure to cooperate in an old war campaign destroyed any chances of fostering ties they might've had. While the Raven Guard prefers to lie in wait and plan out their attacks down to the letter to ensure the most efficient results are achieved when they finally start their attacks, the White Scars pretty much does the opposite and just rush in chainswords drawn, using their fast-attack specialty to overwhelm their opponents with sheer speed and force. Despite the animosity, the two forces have fought alongside one another on multiple occasions, and it's worth noting it's more of a competitive rivalry in any case. Plus lately the Ravens rode shotgun on a Great Hunt, which made for a great bonding exercise.

Despite their savage image, much like their main inspiration, they're actually one of the most cultured legions (and by far one of the best-groomed) in the current Imperium, with aspirants having to take up pursuits like poetry, painting and calligraphy (often about their battles), and wearing silks in their downtime. As a result, they don't like hanging around with the [[Space Wolves|mad drunk Vikings who treat the whole barbarian thing like a badge of honour]]. The only cultural traits they share are hunting (though it's hinted at that the Scars are more into falconry) and really enjoying their job, frequently admonishing recruits to laugh and smile when fighting. Hey, if you can channel the myriad of emotions, good, bad, and ugly the battlefield brings into sheer thrill then you've found the only glory (and perhaps psychopathy) there is in war. Unfortunately, they don't hang out with anyone apart from their successors, so the rest of the Imperium has kept this misconception for millennia. Their Primarch and Legion were also perhaps the only ones besides Guilliman and Lion to realize that they are, in fact, living weapons and not really more than that. Unlike certain losers who realized this and went all grimderp, the White Scars embraced this and were totally fine with. It was their purpose, simple as that. Everyone likes knowing their purpose (except people who spent centuries deluding themselves).

They used to get on well with the Luna Wolves - particularly the Terran portion of the Legion, many of whose members had aspired to join the other Legion only to find themselves seconded to the Scars (the Scars seem to have ranked just below the Space Wolves and World Eaters as the Legion aspirants most dreaded being assigned to). As a result of this, the Terran Khans tended to favour a mix of White Scars and Luna Wolves organisation and doctrine, to the point that they resented Jaghatai's leadership for being "flighty" compared to Horus' fully committed, crushing attacks. Their relationship with the sons of Horus brought the Warrior Lodges into the White Scars. This was fairly harmless at first, and might have helped bring the Terran and Chogorian Astartes together in time.

But then the Horus Heresy happened. The Lodge members were duped into rebelling against their Primarch and trying to force the Scars into declaring for Horus. They were kept in the dark about the whole Chaos and rebellion thing - as far as they were aware the only act of rebellion was the Space Wolves' smashing the Thousand Sons. Unlike the <s>[[Fallen]]</s> :{{Blam|+++FOUL TRAITORS COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO THE FIRST LEGION+++}}, these traitors were overwhelmed, eventually realized Horus was messing with some [[Warp|seriously fucked up shit]] and performed suicide missions to redeem themselves.

The Chogorian portion of the legion, on the other hand, used to be big bros with the [[Thousand Sons]], having Chogorian artistic culture colliding perfectly with the Prosperian knowledge-seeking and nerdity, not to mention the high positions psykers had in both legions. The fact that the Space Furries pretty much forced TS into turning to Chaos does not play well with Scars even to this day, which stacks with their dislike of Wolves' "barbarian and proud of it" shtick (which is ironic considering modern-day Mongolia has a drinking culture that makes Russians look like sissy lightweights).

One might imagine the Imperium being on high alert against the Scars, seeing as only two legions they ever got along with went traitor, but surprisingly it's not the case. May have something to do with them being the heroes of the Siege of Terra.

Their current [[Chapter Master]], or rather, 'Great Khan' is Jubal Khan, whose namesake once kicked Sigismund in the face. Legends are told of his sweet mustache across the entire length and breadth of the Imperium, which the mustache also spans. The Khan's bodyguard, the Keshig, are the only White Scars known to use Terminator Armour - presumably they wait until he's stuck in and teleport down onto the field, since it's hard to imagine Jubal letting things as insignificant as 'common sense' or 'letting your bodyguards do their job' get in the way of charging the enemy at mach 1.5.

They probably get along well with the Attilan Rough Riders. If they'd been the first to encounter the Interex instead of the Luna Wolves, the two factions would have probably got along pretty well except for the [[Interex]]'s implied issues about psykers. Also, the Scars would've dug that cyber-centaur armour.

==Daily Rituals of a White Scar==
04:00 - Rousing from slumber. The White Scars get up from their bikes.

04:10 - Grooming. White Scars tend to their mustaches and long, flowing hair.

05:00 - Morning Prayer. Those who have mustaches pray to the God-Emperor for the strength to defeat their enemies..

06:00 - Morning Firing Rites. White Scars practice with their bike-mounted weaponry.
[[File:WhiteScars.JPG|200px|thumb|right|Quan Zhou, the White Scar [[Fortress-monastery]]]]
07:00 - Battle Practice. White Scars practice beheading a target with a single stroke of their swords during a 100 mph driveby.

12:00 - Midday Prayer. White Scars pray for their bikes to perform well in the coming afternoon. Those without fabulous moustaches pray more desperately for mustaches.

13:00 - Midday Meal. White Scars consume the various meats they had put under their saddles during the morning exercises. Meal is now properly cooked from the heat of the bike, the metallic, promethium-like flavor is said to add to the taste. Milk mixed with promethium from their bikes is consumed as well.

13:15 - Tactical Indoctrination. White Scars are informed on which foes are the latest to elude the Chapter.

15:00 - Battle Practice. White Scars practice beheading a target with a single stroke while hanging upside down from a Land Speeder.

20:00 - Evening Prayer. White Scars give thanks to the Emperor for another productive day. The younger battle brothers fervently praise the emperor when they find stubble on their faces.

21:00 - Evening Meal. A feast is provided by the Chapter serfs, consisting mostly of horse meat and Har Airag (fermented horse milk). Partaking in drunken throat singing is encouraged -- Jaghatai Khaani Magtaal (A Song of Praise for Jaghatai Khaan) is a particular favourite.

21:45 - Night Firing Exercises. The White Scars practice formations in the dark. Any marine who crashes into another is disciplined.

23:00 - Maintenance Rituals. White Scars spend time maintaining and customizing their bikes.

23:45 - Free Time. White Scars prefer to spend this time on things like poetry (about their battles), painting (their battles) and calligraphy (writing about their battles). Others opt for more time on the bike

00:00 - Rest Period. White Scars return to (or park) their bikes and sleep on them.

==See Also==
*[[Brother Konig]]
*[[Kor'sarro Khan]]
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jM8dCGIm6yc White Scars attributed battle hymn.]
* <s> [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ezd24krgiQ Another song that fits PERFECTLY for White Scars] </s> Destoryed by the Google hivemind

{{Marines-Official}}

Hawk Lords

2020-04-29T23:17:54Z

2601:443:47F:3CA0:6460:126F:3328:EFAE: /* daily rituals */

{{Infobox Spess Mahreen Chapter
|Name = Hawk Lords
|Heraldry = [[File:Hawk Lords Heraldry.jpg|200px]]
|Battle Cry = Unknown
|Founding = Unknown
|Successors of = [[Ultramarines]]
|Successor Chapters = Unknown
|Chapter Master = Unknown
|Primarch = [[Roboute Guilliman]]
|Homeworld = Preyspire
|Allegiance = [[Imperium]]
|Colours = Purple with Gray Aquila and Gold Heraldry
|Specialty = Fucking Shit up With [[Thunderhawk|Thunderhawks]]
}}
{{Topquote|Fight on and fly on to the last drop of blood and the last drop of fuel, to the last beat of the heart.|Manfred von Richthofen, The Red Baron}}
A [[Space Marine]] Chapter of an Unknown Founding, the Hawk Lords are a pretty cool chapter. Instead of using [[Drop Pod|Drop Pods]] like normal Space Marines, they instead go for the more hands-on approach of flying their troops in on [[Thunderhawk|Thunderhawk Gunships]]. When their ground forces don't work they send in entire squadrons of [[Stormtalon|Stormtalons]]. Besides their extreme boners for airships, they have accomplished making better Jump Packs. Their so-called Hawk Wings are apparently [[Awesome|powerful enough to the point where a Devastator Marine can use it]]. Why these guys don't get more lore is a mystery.

==Origin Controversy==
For whatever reason (mostly writers being lazy and/or not checking consistency) multiple books are giving different Legion origins for the Hawk Lords. On one hand, their heraldry and use of Thunderhawks instead of Drop Pods do lean towards Raven Guard or Emperor's Children (who liked blowing the fuck out of the enemy with big-ass aircraft). On the other hand, they are a [[Codex Astartes|Codex compliant chapter]] (which doesn't really mean anything, honestly). That and the fact that like other Ultramarine successor chapters ([[Aurora Chapter]] and [[Nemesis|Nemesis chapter]] for example) taking their names from their legion chapters, the 21st chapter of the Ultramarines Legion was known as The Hawks. But we don't know. They could be a [[Dark Angels]] chapter seeing as the call their air unit the Talon Wing. Thanks [[GeeDubs]].

==Notable Members==
Atherias: A battle-brother of the Hawk Lords before becoming one of the founding members of the [[Deathwatch]]

==daily rituals ==
4.00 am they way up to the top gun theme song in there barracks
4.30 am prayer to the emperor and thanks to the Primarchs
5.00 am morning firing rights and drills and instruing there imperial guard drill instructors how to train there initiates in the basics while space marines are instructed in the complicated stuff.
7.00 am there wife’s and children or spouses wake up and join them for breakfast which I nice working and hardy it is prepared for by the chapter employees than it off to see the kids go to school and spouse to work they announced people birthdays
8.00 a.m they know do maintaince on there equipment and drop ships they do not completely get rid of orbital drop pods will use if necessary especially the one that fires weapons and fire support or use them as kinetic rod strikes the maintain and make them and give them to all loyalists chapters and give the to forces in need.
10.00 a.m close combat drills
11.30 a.m flaying drills and vehicle and tactical drills
12.30 P.mreview the codex astities
1.30 p.m lunch
2.30 P.m physical exercise
3.30 p.m do your hobby’s
4.30 p.m say hello gulliman tell ask how he been.
5.00 p.m greet there family spend time with family for two hours
7.00 p.m family meals which is a hardy meal. Also chapter weddings of there members are held
8.00 p.m night combat exercises of all forms
9.30 p.m go out on the town is optional or due duties of staying in and helping the government out And listing to briefings
11.00 to 12.00 pm going to sleep

==Gallery==
<gallery>
File:Hawk Lord Womble.jpg|They got a Womble, and still Games Workshop doesn't give them more lore
File:Hawk Lords Space Marine.jpg|Back when their purple was redder, [[Ork|'cos red makes dere fightaz go fasta]]
File:Hawk Lords Primaris.jpg|8th Edition claims them as Ultramarines, but we act like it didn't
</gallery>

{{Template:Marines-Official}}

Hawk Lords

2020-04-29T23:10:47Z

2601:443:47F:3CA0:6460:126F:3328:EFAE:

{{Infobox Spess Mahreen Chapter
|Name = Hawk Lords
|Heraldry = [[File:Hawk Lords Heraldry.jpg|200px]]
|Battle Cry = Unknown
|Founding = Unknown
|Successors of = [[Ultramarines]]
|Successor Chapters = Unknown
|Chapter Master = Unknown
|Primarch = [[Roboute Guilliman]]
|Homeworld = Preyspire
|Allegiance = [[Imperium]]
|Colours = Purple with Gray Aquila and Gold Heraldry
|Specialty = Fucking Shit up With [[Thunderhawk|Thunderhawks]]
}}
{{Topquote|Fight on and fly on to the last drop of blood and the last drop of fuel, to the last beat of the heart.|Manfred von Richthofen, The Red Baron}}
A [[Space Marine]] Chapter of an Unknown Founding, the Hawk Lords are a pretty cool chapter. Instead of using [[Drop Pod|Drop Pods]] like normal Space Marines, they instead go for the more hands-on approach of flying their troops in on [[Thunderhawk|Thunderhawk Gunships]]. When their ground forces don't work they send in entire squadrons of [[Stormtalon|Stormtalons]]. Besides their extreme boners for airships, they have accomplished making better Jump Packs. Their so-called Hawk Wings are apparently [[Awesome|powerful enough to the point where a Devastator Marine can use it]]. Why these guys don't get more lore is a mystery.

==Origin Controversy==
For whatever reason (mostly writers being lazy and/or not checking consistency) multiple books are giving different Legion origins for the Hawk Lords. On one hand, their heraldry and use of Thunderhawks instead of Drop Pods do lean towards Raven Guard or Emperor's Children (who liked blowing the fuck out of the enemy with big-ass aircraft). On the other hand, they are a [[Codex Astartes|Codex compliant chapter]] (which doesn't really mean anything, honestly). That and the fact that like other Ultramarine successor chapters ([[Aurora Chapter]] and [[Nemesis|Nemesis chapter]] for example) taking their names from their legion chapters, the 21st chapter of the Ultramarines Legion was known as The Hawks. But we don't know. They could be a [[Dark Angels]] chapter seeing as the call their air unit the Talon Wing. Thanks [[GeeDubs]].

==Notable Members==
Atherias: A battle-brother of the Hawk Lords before becoming one of the founding members of the [[Deathwatch]]

==daily rituals ==
4.00 am they way up to the top gun theme song in there barracks
4.30 am prayer to the emperor and thanks to the Primarchs
5.00 am morning firing rights and drills and instruing there imperial guard drill instructors how to train there initiates in the basics while space marines are instructed in the complicated stuff.
7.00 am there wife’s and children or spouses wake up and join them for breakfast which I nice working and hardy it is prepared for by the chapter employees than it off to see the kids go to school and spouse to work they announced people birthdays
8.00 a.m they know do maintaince on there equipment and drop ships they do not completely get rid of orbital drop pods will use if necessary especially the one that fires weapons and fire support or use them as kinetic rod strikes the maintain and make them and give them to all loyalists chapters and give the to forces in need.
10.00 close combat drills
11.30 flaying drills and vehicle and tactical drills
12.30 review the codex astities
1.30 late lunch
2.30 physical exercise
3.30 do your hobby’s
4.30 say hello gulliman

==Gallery==
<gallery>
File:Hawk Lord Womble.jpg|They got a Womble, and still Games Workshop doesn't give them more lore
File:Hawk Lords Space Marine.jpg|Back when their purple was redder, [[Ork|'cos red makes dere fightaz go fasta]]
File:Hawk Lords Primaris.jpg|8th Edition claims them as Ultramarines, but we act like it didn't
</gallery>

{{Template:Marines-Official}}

Hawk Lords

2020-04-29T23:01:35Z

2601:443:47F:3CA0:6460:126F:3328:EFAE:

{{Infobox Spess Mahreen Chapter
|Name = Hawk Lords
|Heraldry = [[File:Hawk Lords Heraldry.jpg|200px]]
|Battle Cry = Unknown
|Founding = Unknown
|Successors of = [[Ultramarines]]
|Successor Chapters = Unknown
|Chapter Master = Unknown
|Primarch = [[Roboute Guilliman]]
|Homeworld = Preyspire
|Allegiance = [[Imperium]]
|Colours = Purple with Gray Aquila and Gold Heraldry
|Specialty = Fucking Shit up With [[Thunderhawk|Thunderhawks]]
}}
{{Topquote|Fight on and fly on to the last drop of blood and the last drop of fuel, to the last beat of the heart.|Manfred von Richthofen, The Red Baron}}
A [[Space Marine]] Chapter of an Unknown Founding, the Hawk Lords are a pretty cool chapter. Instead of using [[Drop Pod|Drop Pods]] like normal Space Marines, they instead go for the more hands-on approach of flying their troops in on [[Thunderhawk|Thunderhawk Gunships]]. When their ground forces don't work they send in entire squadrons of [[Stormtalon|Stormtalons]]. Besides their extreme boners for airships, they have accomplished making better Jump Packs. Their so-called Hawk Wings are apparently [[Awesome|powerful enough to the point where a Devastator Marine can use it]]. Why these guys don't get more lore is a mystery.

==Origin Controversy==
For whatever reason (mostly writers being lazy and/or not checking consistency) multiple books are giving different Legion origins for the Hawk Lords. On one hand, their heraldry and use of Thunderhawks instead of Drop Pods do lean towards Raven Guard or Emperor's Children (who liked blowing the fuck out of the enemy with big-ass aircraft). On the other hand, they are a [[Codex Astartes|Codex compliant chapter]] (which doesn't really mean anything, honestly). That and the fact that like other Ultramarine successor chapters ([[Aurora Chapter]] and [[Nemesis|Nemesis chapter]] for example) taking their names from their legion chapters, the 21st chapter of the Ultramarines Legion was known as The Hawks. But we don't know. They could be a [[Dark Angels]] chapter seeing as the call their air unit the Talon Wing. Thanks [[GeeDubs]].

==Notable Members==
Atherias: A battle-brother of the Hawk Lords before becoming one of the founding members of the [[Deathwatch]]

==daily rituals ==
4.00 am they way up to the top gun theme song in there barracks
4.30 am prayer to the emperor and thanks to the Primarchs
5.00 am morning firing rights and drills
7.00 am there wife’s and children or spouses wake up and join them for breakfast which I nice working and hardy it is prepared for by the chapter employees than it off to see the kids go to school and spouse to work they announced people birthdays
8.00 a.m

==Gallery==
<gallery>
File:Hawk Lord Womble.jpg|They got a Womble, and still Games Workshop doesn't give them more lore
File:Hawk Lords Space Marine.jpg|Back when their purple was redder, [[Ork|'cos red makes dere fightaz go fasta]]
File:Hawk Lords Primaris.jpg|8th Edition claims them as Ultramarines, but we act like it didn't
</gallery>

{{Template:Marines-Official}}

Hawk Lords

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Black Templars

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{{Infobox Spess Mahreen Chapter
|Name = Black Templars
|Heraldry = [[File:Blacktemplarslogo.png|250px]]
|Battle Cry = "No pity! No remorse! No fear!"
|Number =
|Founding = [[Second Founding]]
|Successors of = [[Imperial Fists]]
|Successor Chapters =
|Chapter Master = [[Helbrecht]]
|Primarch = [[Rogal Dorn]]
|Homeworld = ''Eternal Crusader'' (fleet-based)
|Specialty = Assault, close combat, being massive try-hards
|Strength = 25000 at minimum (Reports about their crusades are unsure)
|Allegiance = [[Imperium of Man]]
|Colours = Black and white [[Pauldrons|shoulder pads]]
}}
{{awesome}}

{{topquote|They are rage, brutal, without mercy. But you? You will be '''worse'''. [[Rip and Tear]], until it is '''DONE'''.|The only order that matters.}}

{{Topquote|I have dug my grave in this place and I will either triumph or I will die!|Relcusiarch Grimaldus, Hero of Helsreach}}

{{Topquote|WHERE IS YOUR GOD? OH YEAH, HE'S WITH ME NOW!!|Rare Black Templar war cry/motto}}

The '''Black Templars''' are a [[Second Founding]] [[Space Marine Chapter]] of the [[Imperial Fists]]. These [[Space Marines|Space Marines]] are as manly as the [[Manly Marines]] and as angry as the [[Angry Marines]]. They make a hobby of dressing up as the Knights Hospitaller and trolling the Inquisition with their larger-than-Codex-approved numbers. They're righteously angry for the [[God-Emperor of Mankind|Emperor]], they're usually close combat focused and their idea of a charge is a giant zerg rush of a hundred angry Crusaders who won't hesitate to skullfuck the nearest alien/mutant/heretic with their powersword just because they look funny. [[Rip and Tear|Although they don't need swords that much...]]

The Black Templars and their iconography are of a mixture of the Knights Templar, Teutonic Knights and the Knights Hospitaller. Basically if you need someone's shit pushed in hard by a power armored fist, these are the guys you call.

==About the Black Templars==
[[Image:Blacktempbeinbadass.jpg|thumb|left|"I came here to Purge Heretics and pray in chapels of the Emperor. And I don't see any Chapels."]]

The Black Templars have their origins in the first company of the [[Great Crusade]]-Era Imperial Fists, a group originally known as the Templar Brethren. They wore all-black armor and had black crosses on their right pauldron and shields, and were sworn to protect the Temple of Oaths (OK, the reality is that [[Forge World]] wanted to justify including Black Templars into [[Horus Heresy]]. They're really more Templar than Imperial Fist at this point already). Their Commander and First Captain of the Imperial Fists, [[Sigismund]], started the tradition of the Emperor's Champion, in which a Templar would challenge the enemy's champions to single combat. After the Heresy had ended and [[Roboute Guilliman]] called for the [[Second Founding]], Sigismund took his Templar Brethren to found the Black Templars.

They express their [[Rage|fury]] through burning [[Codex Astartes|heretical texts]] (as kindling for the actual heretics), pwning [[furry|mutants]], [[Angry Marines|and skull fucking aliens]]. But you might say, "Isn't that what every other Spess Mehreen chapter does?" Well you'd be right, but they are the most pro-active about it, celebrations on finishing one Crusade involve declaring a new Crusade, recruits are taken from all the planets they've been on then sent to join the fighting so that they never have to slow down, and they usually fight by zerg rushing their enemies with hundreds (and sometimes thousands) of heavily power armoured super humans holding power weapons while screaming a litany of curses at the top of their superhuman lungs. Also unlike other Chapters, they don't have scout teams, as they think they're not righteously angry enough. Instead all new Neophytes (read: meatshields) are given some crap and schooled in the field by a fully appointed Marine (called an "Initiate").

Basically, the Black Templars focus on ''winning'' and ''killing everything'' as opposed to the normal Space Marine actions which prioritize glory and challenges. Most Space Marines would see a concentration of powerful enemies and charge in guns blazing. A Black Templar would call in a Whirlwind strike and walk on their corpses. To them, glory comes from simply murderizing the absolute '''''fuck''''' out of the enemies of man. They come in like a hurricane of death instead of the normal Astartes "Knights in SPAAAAACEEE!!!" shtick. They are not space monks, though they are pious. They are not knights, though they look the part. They are single-minded slaughter machines that retain just enough humanity to relate to...and just little enough to evoke deep dread in all who cross their path. This might also be part of the reason for their high numbers. Since they're so focused on just plain winning, they don't stupidly endanger themselves when a more effective and efficient method is available. They also fight to win rather than to show how powerful they are or to strike fear into the heart of the enemy or boost friendly morale or anything. They don't bother with that stuff, that's what the Emperor's Champion is for. No, the Black Templars just fucking '''kill'''.

The Black Templars are '''THE''' largest loyalist ([[Derp|"codex following"]]) chapter, estimated to have at least over two thousand marines in their ranks. This is primarily because the Black Templars sometimes split their crusade fleets to achive different campaing goals and they're scattered throughout the galaxy so the correct number of Templars in active service is only known by [[Helbrecht]], himself High Marshal of the Black Templars. This means that their chapter alone could wipe out the [[Tau|weeaboo communists]] or almost [[Rape|every faction]] if they were drawn together in one place. Of course this would twist the nipples of the Inquisition and move the setting of 40k along, so don't expect it to happen anytime soon (read:ever). Unfortunately they're unwilling to fight beside psykers except for Grey Knights, they got all buddy-buddy with them fairly quickly, enough so that they willingly shared the STCs for the [[Land Raider|Land Raider Crusader]] with them, mind-wipes not withstanding of course. They are descended from the [[Imperial Fists]], but obviously got more of Dorn's angry [[Gene Seed|splooge]] than his [[Imperial Fists|patient splooge]]. They sometimes get to wear cool Crusader helms, which are at least ten times as [[Awesome|awesome]] as the [[beakie]]s' Corvus helms.

The new Space Marines codex has changed several things about the chapter. It now states they worship the Emperor as a God like the larger Imperium and they have close ties with the Ecclesiarchy. This also makes them good friends with the [[Sisters of Battle]], whom they regularly team up with and have several alliances with. Emperor pity the heretics who have to face both of these groups of zealous nutters at once.

Alternatively, you could choose to ignore the fluff in the new codex that says that they worship the Emperor, as it is wrong and demonstrates a clear Ward-like level of disregard for previous, and better, fluff as it also says that out of all Astartes chapters, only the Black Templars worship the Emperor. This contradicts several novels that say the chapters they revolve around worship him. The first that come to mind are James Swallows series on the Blood Angels. THEN there's the fact that Grimaldus, the Black Templars' High Chaplain (you know, guy who knows better than anyone else what they believe), said that they DO NOT worship him in ADB's sequel to Helsreach, Blood and Fire.

<s>Shame the newer fluff decanonizes the old, but advancement is advancement.</s> Games Workshop says ''everything is canon'' so the debate is pointless. Besides, GW itself consistently holds that Space Marines do not worship the Emperor. GW lore even goes into details explaining that the Imperium accepts it as a quirk due to them being so physically and spiritually close to him that he only ''seems'' less divine to the Space Marines. The Inquisition and Ecclesiarchy don't like it, though. So, we have GW say "everything is canon" (In a multiple layers of reality due to Warp fuckery sort of way) and we have GW ''also'' saying that Space Marines do not worship the Emperor. Since they ''own'' Warhammer 40,000 we can safely say that Space Marines not worshiping the Emperor is the norm but there might be exceptions. Of which the Black Templars are not among them. They're utterly fanatical in enforcing the Emperor's will. Not what the Ecclesiarchy or Imperial Senate claims is his will, but his actual will. They refuse to work with (and often butcher) psykers because the Emperor said psykers and sorcery were no-nos. Logically, this means they would also respect his decree not to worship him and that he is not a god. The Black Templars were a Second Founding Chapter, so they would be fully aware of that.

As a curious aside, the Chapter's "fuck the man" policy has lead them to collect some odd friends. They are the only known allies for a few chapters, including the [[Celestial Lions]], [[Libators]], and [[Star Phantoms]].

==Accomplishments==
*Vowing to go on an Eternal Crusade as part of their deal during the Second Founding and [[awesome|keeping it going non-stop for 10,000 years without getting killed or so diminished they had to settle down to rebuild!]] (Which is a really impressive feat even for superhuman Astartes.) Although the [[Horus Heresy]] novels have revealed that Sigismund didn't start this voluntarily, he was ''exiled'' by [[Rogal Dorn]], and a lot of their more notable traits - like their absolute hatred of psykers - stems from Sigismund's [[butthurt]] over how he got exiled in the first place.
*Not forgetting about the Chaos Space Marines who fled into the Eye of Terror. When Abaddon and company first busted back out of the Eye of Terror, Sigismund was up in their business within the hour. And he nearly killed Abaddon.
*Taking back a hundred planets that were stolen by the [[Tau|blue space socialists]] after the Ultramarines realized the Tyranids were heading their way and left.
*Killing an alien psyker and accidentally blowing out ten billion astropaths in the process, <del>[[Derp|oops]]</del> [[Just As Planned|just as planned]]. To be fair, said psyker was too powerful to let live and the Black Templars didn’t know its power would explode (which implies this was not normal for psykers).
*Wiping out countless alien species and actually sparing one alien species that was worshiping "The Voice of the Emperor" when they got there. They only destroyed their temples just in case this voice wasn't [[Emperor|talking about who they thought it was.]]
*Successfully capturing [[Cypher]]! Then they were [[Fallen_Angels#Ophidium_Gulf_Crusade_incident|forced at gunpoint to hand him off]] to the Dark Angels chapter [[Just As Planned|where he almost immediately escapes.]]
*The Second Siege of Terra! When some crazy ass High Lord of Terra named Goge Vandire [[Age of Apostasy|usurped all power in Imperium]], thinking that he can do everything he wants, he wiped out some Templar fortresses with orbital strikes and when they found out they got all righteous angry! Assisting '''[[Sebastian Thor]]''', the Templars gather around a thousand Crusaders and along with some other Chapters as well as the Martian techno-guard; the Black Templars, with all fury, wage a frakkin second siege of Terra! (The insignificant detail they did get fought to a stalemate by the [[Sisters of Battle|bolter bitches]] until [[Adeptus Custodes|Big E.'s guardians]] told the lasses Vandire was a heretic tends to get glossed over. IMPERATORIS VULT!)

==Organization==
Since the Imperial Fists told [[Roboute_Guilliman|Papa Smurf]] to go fuck himself and his [[Codex Astartes|Codex]], the Black Templars have an organization different from Codex Chapters. They organize themselves into Fighting Companies, with much of it on the fly. Their ranks and positions include:

*'''High Marshal''': The Chapter Master of the Black Templars, who decides which Crusades the Black Templars will participate in, without bothering for an okay from the [[High Lords of Terra]]. [[Helbrecht]] serves as the current High Marshal. Interestingly enough, in their original Codex the High Marshal and regular Marshals typically do not go face to face with the enemy (to the point where Helbrecht never actually touched down in the Third War for Armageddon, he stayed in space dictating the orbital battle), [[Reasonable Marines|Marshals and High Marshals prefer to stay back assessing the battlefield]] and advising the various squads through their communicators about where they should strike and shoot to make the most out of their troops.
*'''Marshal''': The commander of a Crusade, a Marshal is equivalent to a Captain, they're the ones that lead the individual Crusades. When a Crusade is called and there is no Marshal to lead it a candidate is chosen from among the sword brethren and if the High Marshal thinks he is fit for the task appointed Marshal. There has only ever been one case of a candidate being rejected by the High Marshall. It is from the ranks of the Marshals that the new High Marshal is picked should he fall in battle.
*'''Emperor's Champion''': Before an undertaking usually during battle preparations, one of the Black Templars may have a vision granted by the Emperor. This knight will be declared by the [[Chaplain]]s to be the Emperor's Champion, as their founder Sigismund was ten millennia ago. He will be given the Black Sword and the Armour of Faith, and serve as an inspiration to the rest of the Crusading host. As with the first Emperor's Champion, Sigismund, it is the sole duty of those who bear the title to seek out and challenge any enemy champion the crusading force meets in battle. Things usually go badly if a Crusade doesn't have an Emperor's Champion. If he is killed before his mission is complete it is considered an ill omen indeed. It is unknown what happens to the knight who is chosen after the completion of a Crusade as none have been shown to survive long enough for it to matter. Other chapters, most usually Imperial Fist's successors, occasionally have an Emperor's Champion who serves a similar purpose but without the artifacts.
*'''Castellan''': The lieutenants of the Marshal, a temporary position chosen by the Marshals (one guy cannot be everywhere) and who is a Castellan can vary depending on the current Crusade or even the current battle ([[Reasonable Marines|pick who's best to lead the current fight]]). The Castellans lead the Fighting Companies of a Crusade, and they're also chosen from the Sword Brethren.
*'''Sergeant''': The only Codex rank the Black Templars employ. Also from the Sword Brethren (notice a pattern, yet?).
*'''Sword Brethren''': Roughly analogous to Veterans in Codex Chapters, Sword Brethren are the senior battle brothers of the Marshal. They also get to use [[Terminator]] armour.
*'''Initiates''': Rank and file battle-brothers. Marines (typically Neophytes) dying around them has a beneficial effect on Initiates, making them run harder into enemy gunfire for reasons unknown and oft-speculated upon.
*'''Neophytes''': While most Chapters have their neophytes serve in some sort of recon force, the Black Templars have their new Space Marines join the Crusade at the front lines and hit the ground running. Given that this has worked for ten thousand years, they may be onto something. Every Neophyte is assigned to an Initiate who is to train and tutor them. The Neophyte serves as the apprentice to the Initiate, sort of like Jedi in [[Star Wars]] but the Neophyte gets smacked if they even dare bitch about sand. They are also quite useful to Initiates to use as shields (literally) in battle.

===Chapter Strength===
[[Image:Praykillburn.jpg|400px|thumb|right|It's a lot like this, really.]]
Despite being a Codex Chapter (well, they're a Codex Chapter as of the newest Codex), they basically just cherry pick whatever they want from it. In particular, they're exploiting a loophole in the Codex Astartes that says a Crusading Chapter can go above the limit of 1,000 Marines, because they don't have a Fortress Monastery, a disastrous campaign or Warp mishap could destroy the entire Chapter if not for this stipulation. The Black Templars, however, take this to mean "have as many Marines as you want!" Seeing as they have multiple Crusades at once, they must be the best Marines around. Seeing as every other Crusading Chapter has roughly a thousand Marines (usually less). Guess that's what happens when you genuinely embrace righteous fury and unleash it upon the alien, the mutant, and the heretic.

However, it's not actually clear how many Marines they actually ''have.'' Some [[neckbeards]] (both fanboys and bitter opponents) exaggerate the actual numbers, referring to them as [[First Founding#Legions in 40k|legion strength]] and/or believing that their numbers are figuratively ''without limit'' and end up with ridiculously high guesses. Given the vagaries of in-universe time due to warp phenomena and the inevitable depletion of assets due to the nature of their work, as well as the fact that they have shit record keeping due to a complete lack of [[Librarian]]s, the actual number of active Templars would be in constant flux.

In ''Blood and Fire,'' Grimaldus mentions that they typically have dozens of Crusades going on at any point in time; [[Deathwatch (RPG)|other sources]] tell us that the Black Templars as an entire Chapter actually consist of a total of three '''"primary"''' Crusade fleets from which all other fighting companies are split from and deployed on their own '''"secondary"''' Crusades when necessary. This coincides with the original codex, which said that there were usually no more than three Crusades at any given time but that they can stretch themselves according to necessity, and states that in one exceptional case there were up to fourteen Crusades operating in the Segmentum Solar during the Treachery of Dalmark.

If we were to base the numbers off the estimate in the back of the 4th edition Codex: Black Templars, the deployment map totals greater than 6000 marines, with several of those Crusades routinely exceeding 500 marines. But when you factor in normal redeployment over the years that number isn't very helpful as many of those Crusades were finished by the time others arose. When you consider it like that, [[Blood Angels|many]] [[Minotaurs|other]] [[Dark Angels|chapters]] have deployed en masse over the years and would also generate a similar deployment map. Furthermore, only a handful of Crusades numbered relatively close to one thousand, with only Armageddon passing it, with 1,232 Marines total and even that number was questioned (?) by the author; for this campaign, High Marshal [[Helbrecht]] was said to have mustered three crusades.

So we can either take it as written in the Order of Battle that the three crusades represent the "normal" three crusades and hence the entire chapter, giving us an absolute ''minimum'' of over 1000 marines, or we can assume that the three crusades are not the primary crusades at all, which still doesn't give us much of an indication of the chapter size, leaving us at square one.

To make things even more confusing, each Crusade will be accompanied by a '''Black Sword''' and a set of the Armour of Faith, to be used by the Emperor's Champion. The 4E codex said that every Crusade and fighting company would have its own Champion, but the 6E Codex and the newer novels changed this older fluff and said that there could only be a ''single'' Champion in the entire Chapter at any given time, and that only a handful arise every century. Plus, there are only ten Black Swords in the Chapter and they are held by the Chaplains, just in case they find the Champion within their Crusade. This implies that there can only be ten Crusades active at any one time; hence, if the three Crusades at Armageddon, taken to be around 1,232, are three-tenths of the Chapter's overall size, the Black Templars have around 4,000 marines.

However, the novel ''Eternal Crusader'' flat-out says that the whole Chapter could gather together on the [[Battle-barge|Eternal Crusader]] itself and barely tax the capabilities of the vessel, and that ''"the mere'"'' 200 marines of Helbrecht's Crusade, which constituted one fifth of the Black Templars' total forces, meant that the vessel was mostly empty, making them far more Chapter sized. The book also shows High Marshal Helbrecht purposefully exaggerating the size of his contingent at Armageddon from 400 marines to 900 in order to gain overall command of the Astartes forces that had arrived ''(many Chapters had brought a lot more men than the Templars, and would have had more right to overall command)''. Helbrecht would later leave Armageddon briefly to muster [[A Game of Pretend|"more"]] Black Templars ''(but only bringing the number up to what he promised)'', so it is easy to see how the size of his contingent would be misleading to an outside observer.

The old Codex also suggested somewhere between 5000-6000 ''"if certain accounts are to be believed"'' which places a level of uncertainty on the number, and if you consider the above statement would sound reasonable if you took Helbrecht at his word about the availability to Black Templar soldiers and could easily show how the Administratum has been misled into thinking the Templars are much larger than they actually are. [[Aaron Dembski-Bowden|A-D-B]] also suggested about 6000 in an offhand comment; therefore, it is currently our highest reasonable upper limit without resorting to guesses.

----
[https://guyhaley.wordpress.com/2014/07/11/im-baaaacccckkk/#comment-5779 The author of ''Eternal Crusader'' later acknowledged on his blog that the Black Templars could have maintained extreme numbers in the past, but that the overall strength of the Chapter was reduced to a thousand (more or less) as result of a corporate decision by GW, not just of the codex authors.] Heresy!

It is perhaps best to repeat the Black Library's own take on the fluff: 40k is in the fucking dark ages and everything written down could be a legend, propaganda, an event that happened, or a rumor based on a real event. Any guess as to the number of Marines in the Black Templars is just that, a guess, and a book offers only the author's point of view, or what he wants you to think, or he himself is a fabrications.

8th Edition still maintains the information confusion over the Black Templar's actual numbers, just like before. While the Imperial Index states that ''"each Black Templars battle-fleet contains thousands of warriors."'' The actual Space Marine Codex states that "''the size of each can vary from several battle-brothers to several hundred"'' and though it says there is no fixed number of Crusades, they are still each accompanied by a Black Sword in case the Emperor's Champion arises, and there are still only nine swords (Guilliman destroyed one to defeat Skarbrand during the events of Rise of the Primarch). So all told, not much seems to have changed, fanboys and opponents can believe what they want.

==On Psykers==
For most of their history the Black Templars didn't have any Librarians. This was generally thought as a pretty simple fact, they hate all forms of witches. They even have a special rule call "Abhor the Witch". That was until 6th edition when it was more explicitly stated that they had no real compunction against Astropaths and Navigators, since they were the only people who knew how to drive the massive Crusading fleets (pure undadulterated HOLY RAGE!! can't steer a ship through the Warp after all). Of course, this was always true since the BT always accepted those psykers that the Emperor himself had sanctioned (although they watched them closely), which includes Astropaths, Navigators and (surprise, surprise) the Grey Knights. Which invalidates the logic of the following paragraph.

According to the GW apologists, the major difference between their codex and 6E is their opinion on other psykers: In previous works, it was made pretty clear that they wouldn't suffer the witch no matter who they were (except for the aforementioned groups the Emperor sanctioned personally), and as such literally couldn't ally with any other psyker-using force except for the Grey Knights (and even then, it was AoC (Note: "AoC" is a 6th Ed construct)). Come the 6E Codex however, suddenly all their hatred for every psyker was scaled back to merely just being a hatred to all enemy psykers. Some may call this fluff-rape and all that in their neckbearded [[RAGE]], but others realize that setting up tons of restrictions would ultimately serve to cripple the Templars and ultimately just kept things easier by just generalizing it, to say nothing of the fact that the Emperor himself was a psyker. Not to mention the whole organization of sanctioned psykers used by the Imperium. Those guys were permitted to operate by...uh...someone, right? If it was the Imperial Senate, then they speak with the Emperor's voice, so the Black Templars can suck it. If it was literally anyone else with that kind of authority then it would be someone even closer to the Emperor in authority than merely his voice. So, the general hatred of psykers just isn't feasible anyway.

So it was changed. The Black Templars hatred is only towards alien and rogue psykers and that they have great respect for the ones in the fleet. So why no Librarians? There are three <s>theories</s> hypothesis in the codex:

*They still enforce the Edict of Nikaea. Considered most likely, given their [[Crunch|special rule]] "Abhor the Witch!"
*A gene-seed defect.
*They lost them during The Howling.

A small part of it likely has to do with their recruiting process. Since they recruit from the worlds they Crusade on, and they spend a decent amount of time purging renegade psykers, there probably aren't any psykers left for them to recruit and they're not likely to recruit Psykers found by somebody else. It still doesn't explain why they've never had a recorded incident of latent Psykers awakening once they've been recruited.

Rather hilariously, the Black Templars are not even certain why they don't have Librarians; because the Librarius usually maintains the records of the chapter, the Templars have allowed their understanding of history to fall into decay. For the time being, they have come to the conclusion that the loss of the Librarius is simply part of the Emperor's grand design, and should he see fit to bless them with Librarians again they would gladly use them.

Given how the Warp (and 40K in general) works as a genuine Clap Your Hands If You Believe setting, it could be that the Black Templar's own hatred of psykers causes any psykers or latent psykers they didn't realize were such to either become non-psykers or simply inactive/latent and remain that way.

==Notable members==
*''[[Sigismund]]'': First Chapter Master/Soul brother who made the chapter when Dorn broke the Legion up.
*''High Marshal [[Helbrecht]]'': Their current Chapter Master. Gets fucked up by Imotekh the Stormlord who proceeds to take his arm as a trophy. Helbrecht then manages to destroy his entire fucking flagship as retaliation. Currently on <s>a manhunt for [[Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka]] alongside [[Commissar Yarrick]]</s> Crusade to drive Chaos away from some Shrine Worlds.
*''Chaplain [[Grimaldus]]'': THE most badass [[Chaplain]] in the entire Godsdamn Imperium, with the possible exception of [[Lemartes]]. He fought the biggest Ork WAAAGH in history on a very old temple that had relics and artifacts that were sacred to the Imperium. The battle only ended after the temple collapsed and buried every Ork and Marine under the rubble. But since Grimaldus was too badass to die, he crawled out of the temple with a few relics he managed to save. And besides the guy has the word [[Grimdark|grim]] in his fucking name! How can he not be badass? The main caveat about his description is in his depiction in the book Helsreach, featuring Grimaldus' service in Armageddon leading up to his title as "Hero of Helsreach", where we learn he is equally skilled at tantrum-throwing/sulking, as he is kicking lots of ork ass. But to be fair, this isn't the Grimaldus we know and love as first. Helsreach is about him manning up under constant pressure, him finding he has to stop feeling like he has to be his old boss's bitch all the time and learning to be the butch. He does manage to man up and becomes the badass we all know and love (by the end of things, like, the very last second before a cathedral falls on him and knocks him out and not a second sooner). Plus, he had the stones to do it all WITHOUT A [[ROSARIUS]].
*''[[Tankred]]'': He who endures. Also is partial to bitches.
*''High Marshal Ludoldus'': A previous High Marshal notable for having led the Templars during two Crusades that were separated by over 2000 years, specifically the Vinculus Crusade (833.M41) and the Jerulas Crusade (645.M39). Considering that he was already High Marshall by the time of Vinculus, one can only conclude that Ludoldus was FUCKING OLD... and totally blows [[Dante]] out of the water as the guy even has ''old'' in his fucking name.
*''Castellan Draco'': notable role in the Vinculus crusade, notably in killing Inquisitor Lord Vinculus after he got possessed, but not after his own losses; that is, he got buried in rubble after lacing the cult's massive fortress with explosives. For his valiant efforts, he got his lost parts replaced with bionics, a relic suit of armour and Lord Vinculus' sword. Declared Excommunicate Traitoris in IF supplement, becoming the first SM special character with a model who turned traitor in 40k.
* ''High Marshal Bohemond'': Led the Chapter during the War of the Beast.
* ''Marshal Magneric'' See Tankred above imagine if he was in command of his own Crusade. Unlike most dreadnoughts he still kept his name and rank and rarely slept which made him into a crazy fanatic (and implied to be the source of the religious zeal) spends most of his days hunting his old BFF Warsmith Kalkator until Orks of The Beast showed up.

==Daily Rituals of a Black Templar==
Think [[Angry Marines]] but with less copious cursing.
* 03:50: Morning Call to Prayer: Initiates awaken their respective Neophytes from their comfortable slumber on bare stone floors. This often involves buckets of ice water, vox-casters playing hymns with the volume control knob broken off, or a power armor shod foot up the ass depending on the Initiate in question. Complaints that this awakening occurred ten minutes prior to scheduled reveille are met with readmistration of the waking aid.
* 04:00: Morning Prayer: Neophytes are berated for their perceived failings by their responsible Initiates, who are in turn berated by the Sword Brethren, the Sword Brethren by the Castellans, up to the Marshal who berates the entire Fleet then swears a solemn vow to an icon of the Emperor that they will do better and prove themselves worthy by stabbing heretics in the throat with their swords. Tactics may also be discussed and orders of battle issued, assuming they involve rushing headlong at the enemy.
* 05:00: Morning Firing Rites: The Initiates school their apprentices on the art of shooting xenos in the face while simultaneously swinging a chainsword. This shooting preferably occurs while rushing across the active firing range in order to close with the target and hit it with the bolt pistol if possible.
* 07:00: Morning Battle Practice: Initiates inform their neophytes that if they are done being cowardly whelps they may now avail themselves of a sword with which to stab shit.
* 11:55: Milk and cookies break. Any neophytes stupid enough to drink milk or eat cookies in front of their Initiate gets their meal pushed in their noses and eyeballs respectively. Things get interesting if they dipped their cookies in their milk.
* 12:00: Midday Prayer: Neophytes are told how poorly they did during the morning exercises, any sense of pride or joy is rooted out. The Marshal leads the Fleet in prayer and promises the Emperor they will kill more things even more righteously this afternoon.
* 13:00: Midday Meal: The chapter serfs provide cold cuts for the Brothers' enjoyment. Lunchmeat is usually collected by the serfs following each battle and stored in the ships' freezers. Naturally, Neophytes do not get something to eat yet as the Initiates insult them for even assuming they get to eat. The Neophytes soon learn that the Emperor has a sense of humor when the Initiates are informed that only Sword Brethren on up are allowed to eat.
* 13:15: Tactical Indoctrination: Locations of the vital organs and blood vessels of xenos species that may be encountered on the current Crusade and the weak spots of Daemons are reviewed, occasionally an Initiate will cuff his Neophyte on the back of the head and reiterate "Yes that, you stab that retard." Other tactics may also be discussed as long as they involve inserting blades into things.
* 14:00: Afternoon Battle Practice: Initiates attempt to kill their Neophyte with a power sword. If the Neophyte is not dead in four hours he passes muster.
* 18:00: Evening Firing Rites: Neophytes are instructed in how to operate heavy and specialty weaponry dropped by their responsible Initiate when he abandons it so that he may swing his sword with both hands to better kill shit or is eaten by a monstrous creature which he bravely <s>(read:stupidly)</s> (read:RIGHTEOUSLY) tried to skullfuck in CQC.
* 20:00: Evening Prayer: After short session of critique and berating, the Emperors' Champion leads a sermon about how awesome the [[God-Emperor of Mankind|Emprah]] is and how much He wants them to bifurcate/decapitate the current heretics/mutants/xenos they are fighting with power weapons.
* 21:00: Evening Meal: A feast is served by the chapter serfs. Alcohol and anything that has a pleasant taste will not be consumed as the Emperor looks down on those that enjoy life. No hamburger, no cheeseburgers, no french fries, no milkshakes, no potato chips; you will drink water distilled from the Fleet's waste/reactor AND LIKE IT!
* 21:30: Night-fighting/zero-gravity exercises: Initiates instruct their charges on stabbing things by the glow of a power sword and how to fight in a zero-gravity environment without jump packs (stab foe, use corpse as a springboard to assault another foe, repeat).
* 23:15: Wargear Maintenance: Initiates encourage Neophytes to keep weapons in proper working order with phrases like, "Sharpen your shit you incompetent bastard" as the Emperor reserves great disdain for those that kill heretics with dull blades.
* 23:45: Free time: The Initiate is free to challenge his Neophyte to a short duel. Wounds heal better during sleep anyway.
* 00:00 Rest period: The Initiate sees his Neophyte off to bed, with one last punch to the face to help him fall asleep. The Sword Brethren then punch the Initiates in the face before they retire for rest period.

Note that this constitutes a day off for a Black Templar. A working day will involve 23 hours of rushing monstrous creatures with melee weapons. Neophytes are expected to pull bullet sponge duty so the Initiate is not distracted by little things like enemy gunfire (and that their spilled blood will allow the Initiates to glide on the ground to their enemy faster) as seen here:

===Black Templar Combat Training===
Brother-Initiate Teuton McTemplar: "Neophyte, get your ass over here and hold my Lascannon while I charge that [[Carnifex]] with my Power Fist!"

Neophyte Hans Wolfgang: "But sir I have not yet earned my power armour and a Lascannon weighs 100 kilos..."

Brother-Initiate Teuton McTemplar: "You are going to pick up that spotlight and burn some fucking xenos, and you are going to like it!"

Note: It would be nice if this could happen, but in reality, you can only arm Neophytes with shotguns or bolt pistols with CCWs, though you were able to arm an initiate with both a Lascannon and a Power Fist in their original codex. Hilariously too you could go completely overboard and have one marine armed with a Power fist, three bolt pistols (or two bolt pistols and a bolter), a Chainsword, a Power Weapon, a Heavy Bolter, a Missile Launcher (or a Multi-Melta), a Lascannon, and a Plasma Cannon [[Obliterators|ALL AT THE SAME TIME]] (though while funny is still a terrible thing to put on the battlefield as he can still only fire one per turn, pistols notwithstanding). Talk about a jack of all trades...

==See Also==
*[[Warhammer 40,000/Tactics/Black Templar|Tactics/Black Templar]]
*Their [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lrs9nIITQk| theme] by [[HMKids]].
*Also their [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P0TzUNti3rY| theme] by Andrew W.K.
*Their [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyAEBux88hw| '''ONE TRUE ULTIMATE THEME] by [https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCqGKtkZ8-MlAeTVL0fFAMnw| StringStorm].
*An [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GaUi8Dv73hA| accurate representation] of their daily lives
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUplioG2DC4| The unofficial animated version of Helsreach.]
*Their thoughts on [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xrJVZZLv2GE| furfags. ]
*Their continued campaign against the [https://youtu.be/j02V_34PXZg| furfags. ]

==Gallery==
<gallery>
Image:Templar Terminator.jpg|Actually pretty nice guys, once you get to know them.
Image:1206768954856.jpg|They also like to sing.
Image:howdoipurge.png
Image:bffs.jpg|'''Purging with my Kin!
Image:Imheretopurgehereticsandchewbubblegumandimalloutofbubblegum.jpg|Look at them hips.
Image:Black templar terminator by deadxcross.jpg|When you want to purge as much Heretics and Xenos as possible.
Image:A not so Little Sister by DeadXCross.jpg|They can even inspire zealots of their own.
Image:PURGINGWITHMYKIN.gif|The Black Templars' name does not corelate to the other Second Founding Imperial Fists because [https://youtu.be/0Vh_N8CpcL0?t=1208 they are absolute lunatics]
</gallery>

{{Template:Marines-Official}}

Minotaurs

2020-04-29T22:44:57Z

2601:443:47F:3CA0:6460:126F:3328:EFAE: /* Daily Rituals */

{{Infobox Spess Mahreen Chapter
|Name = Minotaurs
|Heraldry = [[File:Minotaurs Symbol.jpg|200px]]
|Number = N/A
|Battle Cry = That's a nice watch. (Presumably)
|Founding = [[21st Founding]] (Supposedly)
|Successors of = '''+++Classified by order of the [[High Lords]]+++''' (The original Minotaurs are unknown; the new Minotaurs are all but confirmed to use Iron Warriors geneseed. Hints that one of the two are chimeric, money's on the unstable psychopaths)
|Successor Chapters = None
|Chapter Master = [[Asterion Moloc]]
|Primarch = Unknown
|Homeworld = Fleet Based
|Specialty = (Old) Being psychotic [[Leeroy Jenkins]]; (New) Beating the shit out of other [[Space Marines]], taking their stuff, pissing off the [[Ultramarines]], siege warfare, and being the [[High Lords]]' personal army.
|Strength = 1000 (Officially)
|Allegiance = [[Imperium]]
|Colours = (old) Ketchup & Mustard stripes; (new) Bronze with a little Red.
}}
''If you are looking for the bull-headed beastmen from Greek mythology, see [[Minotaur]].''

==Out with the old...==
The '''Minotaurs''' were a [[Chapter]] of [[Space Marine]]s and massive dicks. They were formed in the [[21st Founding|Cursed Founding]] as psychopathic berzerkers and were possibly successors to more stab-happy legions, like the [[Blood Angels]] (looking at you [[Sanguine Berzerkers]]) or [[World Eaters]]. They first appeared in [[White Dwarf]] as one of the playable Chapters for the Chapter Approved Cursed founding article where they were also mentioned to have beaten the shit out of the [[Lamenters]] during the [[Badab War]], because the Lamenters chose the wrong side and the Minotaurs wanted an excuse to [[RIP AND TEAR]]. Then they disappeared. (to everyone's relief). Their color scheme was also fucking atrocious.

==...and in with the new==
[[File:Minotaurs Tact. Marine.jpg|250px|thumb|left|The Minotaurs have many suits of MKVIII "errant" pattern Power Armor.]]
The Minotaurs later popped up in [[Imperial Armour#Volume Ten - The Badab War - Part Two|Imperial Armour Volume 10]] and had their lore (and thankfully colour scheme) overhauled. They're still massive dicks though. Now the psycho-Minotaurs apparently disappeared thousands of years before the [[Badab War]], instead its these cunts who stomp stomp the poor Lamenters (and also take their stuff). They now dress like [[Iron Warriors|ancient Greeks]] and their Chapter Master, one [[Asterion Moloc]], appears to have pilfered the prop department from 300 for his outfit. They no longer maintain the "psychopathic berzerkers' flavour; instead (while still liking melee combat) they make and execute detailed battle plans focusing on siege and attrition warfare, being brooding, paranoid about security protocols, and very pragmatic. Example of that last trait being in [[Imperial Armour Volume 12]] here they let a good chunk of the [[Imperial Navy]] fight and die before they stepped in to give themselves a better chance against the Necrons (what assholes). They are essentially Greek-ier [[Iron Warriors]], who steal shit like the [[Blood Ravens]] (but instead of hijacking your stuff when you aren't looking, they will just mug you and take it). This better explains why they stole the Lamenters' stuff like the school bully shaking down the class nerd for his lunch money, once the old fight between the Lamenters and Minotaurs was retconned to have happened with these Minotaurs instead.

They now have vast stores of incredibly rare wargear, which includes: shittons of Arkonak and Tartaros-pattern [[Terminator]] armour, Mk8 [[power armor]], loads of [[Dreadnoughts]] (including rare Contemptor-pattern), [[Storm Eagle#Roc Pattern|their very own Storm Eagle variant]], and at least one [[AWESOME|power spear/lascannon combo]] that might have been <s>jacked</s> gifted from the [[Adeptus Custodes]]). With their [[High Lords of Terra|sugar daddies on Terra]] and taking the good wargear from Chapters they beat down, they have no shortage of the best toys available to the Astartes.

They also act as the [[High Lords of Terra|High Lords']] attack dogs now, only acting on orders from the High Lords themselves, telling anyone in their way to piss off. Oh, and the [[Administratum]] records are sealed (under direct order of the [[High Lords]]), so that not even [[inquisitor|Inquisitors]] can easily (if at all) access them. Which implies something about them (gee, wonder what?) has at least some Inquisitors worried.

One of their [[Brother-Captain]]s insulted [[Marneus Calgar]] right in front of the [[Genesis Chapter]] (a 2nd founding [[Ultramarines]] descendant), basically telling them to stop sucking Calgar off 24/7; and the chapter later tore the [[Inceptors]] chapter (another Ultramarines successor) apart and stole all their stuff, formerly pissing off the [[Ultramarines]] and all of their successors. The Ultramarines got so salty they perma-banned the Minotaurs from Ultramar (as if the Minotaurs care much). The Minotaurs also may or may not have shot down a [[Grey Knights|Grey Knight]] strike cruiser for trying to swoop in and steal all the glory for taking down a renegade chapter the Minotaurs had been hunting and fighting for awhile. Essentially they've told both of [[Matt Ward]]'s special snowflakes to go raw dog a plasma gun.

Needless to say, [[/tg/]] thinks they're pretty cool (and they are still massive dicks).

==Current Events==
During later M41 - early M42, the [[Death Guard]] directly besieged their space-borne [[Fortress-Monastery]] and poisoned their gene stocks beyond repair, forcing the Minotaurs to race towards [[Terra]] to restock their gene-vaults. When they arrived back on Terra, they were restocked and even given early access to primaris gene-seed and equipment. They were tasked to work along side the Imperial Fists, Sisters of Silence, and Adeptus Custodes in quelling a rebellion growing on Terra itself. During the course of the investigations, they had to teach the Imperial Fists what they think of someone trying to steal their glory. i.e. the Imperial Fists tried to investigate a cultist kill-site cleared by the Minotaurs, aka the Imperial Fists were trying to steal the Minotaur's intel and get to the cultists first, and in response the Minotaurs killed the two Imperial Fists sent to investigate (after the Minotaurs warned them, and were promptly ignored by the Imperial Fists). An Imperial Fist got salty at this and tried to bow up at a Minotaur back at HQ. Said Imperial Fist got the shit beaten out of him by the Minotaur.

Eventually the HQ of the cultists was discovered, and the Minotaurs were the first ones there. Launching a '''SIEGE''' of the enemy's HQ while the Imperial Fists and Custodes were just then managing to figure out where it was. It turns out the rebellions were caused by the former members of the High Lords who had since been exiled by the now revived Guilliman. At first, it seemed that, the Minotaurs sided with the rebellious former High Lords. With Moloc standing by the former Master of the Administatium: Haemotalion. However, with the actual leaders of the rebellion sniffed out, assassins from the Vindicare Temple killed them all except for the Grandmaster of the Assassorium (who wasnt actually a traitor, instead having infiltrated the traitors as part of the plan to find/kill them) and Moloc (who had "conveniently" left the room just before the kill order was given). With this, all hell broke loose. With no one being aware of who was on whose side, the Minotaurs came into direct combat with the Sisters of Silence and Custodes. The Minotaurs killed several Sisters of Silence, and atleast one of the Custodes, while suffer losses themselves (as if they cared), before surrounding the survivors, who were circling to protect the Grandmaster of the Assasorium (as the Minotaurs weren't told he wasnt actually one of the traitors). Moloc himself was about to 1v1 Custodes Shield-Captain Valerian (with Moloc making [[Mary_Sue|the Custodes feel as close to afraid as a Custodes could possibly be. As in, Valerian admitted he saw no flaw in Moloc's battle form, armour, or anything to exploit, thus had 0 idea how to beat him]]), before the new Master of the Administratum (Violeta Roskavler), teleported in and (whispering to Moloc) ordered the Minotaurs to stand down. Apparently this whole mess, for the most part, was [[Just As Planned]], as the Minotaurs later departed for Guilliman's Indomitus Crusade without any form of issues.

During the Indomitus Crusade, the Minotaurs put on their good ass-stomping boots to deal with some Thousand Sons who had taken over a space station.

==Chapter and Geneseed Confusion==
There is a significant amount of [[DERP]] surrounding who their daddy is, how long they've been around, or if these are even all the same group of dicks. Like the [[Fire Angels]], the Minotaurs are an example of two chapters sharing the same name, even the sourcebooks point out that the [[Cursed Founding]] Minotaurs and the bronzy Minotaurs are so different that it's a possibility there are multiple chapters who have the same name. There isn't much of a question around only "a" Minotaurs chapter being made during the [[Cursed Founding]] in M36, the same books leaves it ambiguous by alluding to there having been different Minotaurs chapters (essentially keeping the ketchup-mustard-psycho Minotaurs canon alongside the "new" Minotaurs). Pulling things like having records of the "Minotaurs" being around as far back as back in M32 (tag teaming a bunch of Chaos-spark rebellions with some other Chapters, and noticably not just wiping their asses with the battle plans before bolting hell-for-leather into melee range), even tho psycho "Minotaurs" chapter is listed as M36 [[Cursed Founding]]; pointing out that "chimeric" geneseed Astartes (especially from the [[Cursed Founding]]) tend to be mentally/physically unstable, but the "new" Minotaurs are about as stable as you can get (the "old" Minotaurs tho....yeah); and highlighting the difference in behavior, look, and combat doctrines of the bronze colored Minotaurs compared to records of the yellow/red Minotaurs.

Given the yellow/red Minotaurs tendencies to absolutely annihilate whatever is in their way, completely forgo any sort of intel gathering or battle plans, and a [[Rip and tear|psychotic need to just rage rush the enemy to get their stabby-stab on]], it's certainly possible for them be successors to one (or more) of the more bloodthirsty legions such as the [[Blood Angels]] or [[World Eaters]]. A chimeric blend with another gene-line would certainly make sense with their [[Cursed Founding]] origins and batshit insanity.

The bronze Minotaurs being the chimeric ones makes markedly less sense, since they are pretty much free of any mutations and have in fact one of the highest [[gene-seed]] acceptance rates of any Chapter (a classic Iron Warriors trait). Given their "brooding, maligned, paranoid, and pragmantic" behaviors; obsessive and meticulous data-analysis; noted mastery of siege and attrition warfare (with a secondary preference for close range combat); and heavy ancient Greek theme, they are a near 1-1 match of the [[Iron Warriors]]. Their 5th/6th/7th edition chapter tactics are even the same as the 30k Iron Warriors Legiones Astartes rules. This makes sense, given their depiction in the [[Imperial Armour]] books basically being [[Iron Warriors]] with a bronze color scheme.

If the bronzy Minotaurs are [[Iron Warriors]] successors, it would go a long way in explaining why the [[High Lords]] keep their records well and far away from the [[Ordo Hereticus]].

According to Eadwin Brown, one of the developers of the Badab War: The current incarnation of the Minotaurs was formed by a garrison of [[Iron Warriors]] who were allowed to rejoin the Imperium (but put on a short leash by the High Lords) back during the [[Great Scouring]]. The reason for their lack of/confusing history (including a different chapter getting the same name) being a mix of deliberate actions of the [[High Lords]] not wanting to lose their personal pet Astartes and the difficulty of the Administratium's already shitty record keeping. Or maybe the Cursed Founding World Eater chimera Minotaurs were explicitly set up to fail in a deniable fashion that allowed the High Lords to get the Iron Warrior Minotaurs quietly formalised. If this is true, this raises all sorts of questions as to whether the Cursed Founding was deliberate to cover this up.

==Other Information==
[[File:Minotaurs Tartaros.jpg|250px|thumb|right|The Chapter has many Tartaros pattern suits and other relics.]]While the Minotaurs are strict followers of the [[Codex Astartes]], they're almost never seen as small groups or even individual companies. Every time they're deployed its always been at full Chapter strength. Their incredible effectiveness just goes to prove the Codex is awesome at a Chapter level and above. It isn’t like Guilliman didn’t study his brothers’ tactics, too. They fight in only one war zone at a time with the entire chapter fighting together. This makes them essentially a massive fucking beatstick that the High Lords call upon when shit hits the fan. They also have an unusual preference for killing other Space Marines, which made them feel right at home during the Badab War. Given their fancy new gear, their borderline omnicidal tendencies, and always operating as a full chapter, it would seem that the job of the "Emperor's Executioners" no longer falls upon the [[Space Wolves]]. They were probably created for fighting Chaos and renegade Marines and just sorta turned out pretty handy for forcing idiot [[Chapter]]s into line.

To the High Lord’s credit, the Minotaurs seem to not be an abuse of power. The Chapters they beat up are let go if they flee or surrender early instead of digging in. Those that keep fighting are curbstomped, but not exterminated. And when they beat on Marines, it’s hard to argue that the receivers of said beating didn’t deserve it (save in [[Lamenters|very specific instances]]).

Unlike most Chapters, the Minotaurs appear to be able to replenish their numbers at an accelerated rate, to the point that they could recover from losses in a fraction of the time it would take other Chapters a century or two to fully recover from. This allows them to quickly rebuild their force to full Chapter strength, even after suffering what would normally be unsustainable causalities. Imperial observers during the Antigonis campaign theorized that this may have something to do with the heavy use of hypnotherapy and neuro-cerebral therapy used in the training of neophytes and frequently "refreshed" with the help of Apothecaries in the Chapter. This has proven to have some unpleasant side-effects- the Minotaurs are highly xenophobic and paranoid, even by the high standards of the Imperium.

There's also a good chance that they recruit from [[Terra]] itself thanks to their connections with the High Lords, giving them a massive recruit pool, as the Imperial Fists are also able to replenish losses equally fast thanks to having billions of potential candidates. This is mostly due to the Imperial Fists building recruitment posts on every world they rescue from invasion. Even then they request permission first as Dorn said he "...want recruits, not vassals". The Black Templars also do this and benefit greatly from this method. And since the Minotaurs gene-seed tithes are locked away nice and tight, no one is sure who their progenitors are.

Aside from the hideous old ketchup-and-mustard motherfuckers and the Greek muggers, there are also a pair of Chapters called the [[Brazen Minotaurs]] (looks like the Minotaurs wearing the [[Taurans]]' chapter badge) and [[White Minotaurs]] (looks like the Minotaurs but with a white Tauran bullhead badge). There isn't much fluff on them, being two of those Chapters with a name and a color design and nothing else.

==(In)famous Campaigns==
*'''[[Solar Rebellion]]''' - The Chapter is listed among the Imperial Forces tasked with bulldozing a Chaos-sparked rebellion within the Segmentium Solar. The interesting part is, [[Time of Rebirth|this was in M32...]] the [[Cursed Founding]] was in M36...
*'''[[Macharian Heresy]]''' - The Chapter is called to deal with the petty star empires created by the former generals of [[Lord Solar Macharius]]. They crush one after the other, following all of the High Lord's orders without question, and causing a lot of collateral damage in the process.
*'''Euxine Incident''' - ''The'' action that earned the Chapter their reputation. Still during the [[Macharian Heresy]], the [[Inceptors]] Chapter got involved in a fight with the Doom Warriors. They were supposedly drinking buddies before-hand but their friendship was broken over [[Lawful Stupid|matters of "honor"]]. The Imperium, not wanting ''more bullshit'', sent in the Minotaurs to beat some sense into them. The Chapter, in it's [[rape|usual style]], hit both chapters at once. The Doom Warriors, having some sense gained from this initial strike, left the Euxine system. The Inceptors did not leave. Instead they dug in and fought the Minotaurs like men. They lost, and the 100 surviving Inceptors were forced to surrender at barrel point. After they surrendered, [[That Guy|the Minotaurs robbed their relics, jacked Battle-Barge, and left.]] The [[Ultramarines]], seeing at how one of their own [[second founding]] successors got treated like shit, declared that the Minotaurs were permabanned from [[Ultramar]].
*'''Defense of Hermetica''' - The heavily-fortified capital of a sector located in the [[Segmentum]] Solar finds itself overwhelmed when the [[Word Bearers]] suddenly dropped from a warp rift in a motherfucking [[Space Hulk]] filled to the brim with [[Mutant]]s. The Minotaurs are the first imperial force to respond: they track the [[Dark Apostle]] into the main cathedral, and decide to blast their way in with orbital bombardement and tanks regardless of civilian casualties. [[Asterion Moloc]] and his [[Terminator]]s slaugther their way into the catacombs, but the Dark Apostle escapes before he can be dealt the killing blow.
*'''[[Badab War]]''' - You know this one: [[Lugft Huron]] declares independance from the [[High Lords of Terra]], and a fuckton of chapters are sent his way to remind him why that is not a thing. The Minotaurs gained several important victories during this time, but would be more infamously remembered for the shit they did to the poor [[Lamenters]]. (The same thing they did to the [[Inceptors]]) Suffice to say, if anyone had any doubts on their behavior before, those doubts were quickly dispelled after that.
*'''Battle of Rynn's World''' - The Minotaurs saw action on Rynn's World during the attempt to reclaim the [[Crimson Fists]]' homeworld from the [[Orks]]. Shockingly, they didn't attempt anything like scavenging the ruins of the Crimson Fists [[Fortress-Monastery]]. Maybe it has something to do with [[Alexis Polux|who founded the Crimson Fists]]....and a certain friendship he had with [[Barabas Dantioch|a particular loyal Iron Warrior]].
*'''Harrowing of the Night Reapers''' The aforementionned [[Chapter]] had been sent on penitent crusade to the a dengerous backwater nebula as punishment for abandoning a Shrine World to the forces of Chaos. They went radio silent after a while, and steadly started to deviate from [[Codex]] doctrine, tactics, and equipment. Six years after last contact and many suspicious raids in the area, irrefutable proof of their attack on a [[Rogue Trader]] vessel earned them an ''Excommunicate Traitoris''. Four companies of the [[Avenging Sons]] went after them, but that chapter can't do anything right and got ambushed by the Night Reapers, who captured one of their [[Space Marine Strike Cruiser|Star Cruisers]] and mauled another. They blamed their humilliating defeat on "Warp flame weapons" that bypassed [[Void shields]], so the High Lords had to send someone who could actually [[get shit done]]: The Minotaurs and the [[Red Hunters]]. (now we're talking) The two Chapters fought the Night Reapers and their heretekal Xeno-tech across a dozen star systems until they cornered them at a pre-human space wreck so massive it had it's own athmosphere and ecosystem. The Night Reapers were searching for a weapon that they beleived would allow them to defeat the Imperials, when a [[Grey Knights]] ship showed up demanding all Imperial forces to pull back. The Minotaurs, naturally, didn't give a fuck and kept fighting. The Knights of Titan had to launch their teleport assault in the midst of the battle. Shortly after, something happened that caused everyone to get BTFO to kingdom come: Minotaurs, Night Reapers, and Grey Knights alike. The Grey Knight's strike cruise was somehow damaged by the blast....and it somehow killed everyone onboard. [[Asterion Moloc]] was [[Phoenix Lord|the only survivor]].
*'''[[Orphean War]]''' - Karma finally starts catching up to the Chapter's douchebaggery when they have to face the Necrons of the [[Maynarkh Dynasty]]. They lose their stolen ships in the desperate assault against the necron fleet over Amarah Prime, and take many casualties that would be sorely felt later in their race back to [[Terra]]. Moloc <s>dies</s> [[Phoenix Lord|almost dies]] again, this time by achieving a mutual KO against the Maynarkh [[Necron Overlord|Overlord]] Makthlan Kutlakh the World Killer.

==Daily Rituals==
:04:00 Wake Up: The Minotaurs arise from their beds (each Minotaur has their own king-sized bed with luxury mattress and comforter). They make sure to beat up a dummy space marine before leaving.
:05:00 Morning Prayer: The Minotaurs gather in the chapel to praise the Emperor. They also praise the High Lords of Terra. Any battle brother who prays to not have to kill other space marines is put in the "patience chamber".perma ban by Guilliman
:06:00 Morning Firing Rituals: The Minotaurs pull live space marines from the "patience chamber" to practice firing upon. Any battle brother whose shot kills the space marine instantly is put into the "patience chamber".This putting your comarads in chamber was perma ban by Guilliman
:08:00 Morning Battle Practice: The Minotaurs release captured prisoners within the "patience chamber." Imprisoned members include failed Minotaurs, rebellious Ultramarines (and successors), formerly Marines Malevolent, Fallen, The <s>victims</s> participants are then forced to fight the entire chapter with substandard equipment.
:10:00 Morning Tactical Indoctrination: The Minotaurs finish off the last of their prisoners and gather together in the Great Hall to discuss strategy. Common tactics involve marching right through enemy fire, throwing allied units into enemy fire THEN marching through whats left, missile strikes on engaged melee units, and techniques to kill other space marines. Any battle brother who points out the faults in these tactics is put in the "patience chamber" (any actual faults are noted for later tactical refinement).perma ban by Guilliman for those who point faults and are promoted
:11:00 Afternoon Prayer: The Minotaurs give thanks to the High Lords of Terra for allowing them to be such dicks. In a sacred ritual, each battle brother is required to kiss the butt of golden statues honoring the High Lords Of Terra. Any battle brother who claims this is gay is sent to the "patience chamber". Those who say the later are know promoted and made chapter leaders by Guilliman
:12:00 Afternoon Meal: The Minotaurs gather to feast upon fine meats and food provided by their besties: the High Lords. Serfs rush quickly to ensure that each marine is fed to his heart's content.
:13:00 Afternoon Battle Practice and firming rights: The Minotaurs descend to any number of worlds in order to hone their space marine killing skills. The Lamenters are the most frequent target, but Baal and Ultramar are also popular destinations. A number of the the targeted space marines are captured and put in the "patience chamber". The food stocks of enemy forces are taken for Evening Meal. This was later ban forever by Guilliman when he found out about this and send a willing contingent of all space marines chapter beside the marines malevolent to be babysitters who formally had to guard the eye of terror and also he made sure to send the most moral and upstanding of Ecclesiarchy preachers and tech priests to to put proper moral values in place where it headed by and inquesator
:15:00 Afternoon Firing Rites: The Minotaurs practice shooting at cutouts for once. These cutouts are usually painted [[Ultramarines|blue]], [[Lamenters|yellow]], or [[Grey Knights|grey]].
:16:00 Enhanced Tactical Indoctrine: The Minotaurs learn how to most effectively teamkill each army in the Imperium. During this time, they also will use artillery and vehicle simulators in order to practice causing the most possible destruction upon space marines fortifications such as: driving tanks straight through walls and orbital strikes on Astartes medical station.
17:00 gulliman moral values indoctrination upon learning how screwed up the minators chapter was he made sure every day every one gets a daily dosage of moral values and why what they formally did was wrong
:18:00 Evening Meal: The Minotaurs feast once again, devouring the food stocks taken during Afternoon Battle Practice, infront of the survivors of who they took it from. Any brother who feels guilty about this is sent to the "patience chamber". Know there given a purity seal
:17:00 Recruitment: <s>Slaves</s> Fresh recruits arrive from Terra. These are force to either serve as serfs for the chapter, or begin the Minotaurs' <s>forced reprogramming</s> training process. Imperial Officials are ordered to turn a blind eye to this process, causing the Salamanders to [[RAGE]].but this was later change by gulliman and know a salamander supervises there recruitment
:20:00 Propaganda: The Minotaurs gather in the Great Hall [[Bullshit|to listen to the brilliant, enlightened, sophisticated, and productive conversations that the High Lords partake in.]] Any battle brother who dozes off or claims the High Lords are full of shit is sent to the "patience chamber".
:22:00 Free time: The Minotaurs are granted free time. This mostly involves reading the excessive number of manuals on how to kill space marines, beating each other up as practice, and repainting wargear taken from other Chapters.
:23:00 Bed Time: The Minotaurs retire to their quarters for the evening. Before falling asleep, they beat up the space marine dummy again.

==Tabletop==

===Chapter Approved===
When the first Minotaurs were introduced as one of the Cursed Founding chapters, for +10 points per model, or +20 per dreadnought (on top of the regular costs) you could give your entire army Fearless and +1 Attack though they had to move towards and assault the nearest enemy they could (even if they had no chance of hurting it) and had to sweep advance, but nobody did it because painting them WAS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE. Both because they had the most annoying colour scheme (worse than the quarter ones like the [[Howling Griffons]]) and because their colours made them look fucking ugly.

===6th Edition===
With the updates they got their own Chapter Tactics. Minotaurs Chapter Tactics models don't take morale checks from shooting attacks, and can re-roll failed pinning tests. In addition they have crusader USR, and +1 to charge distance when in the enemy deployment zone. Overall one of the [[fail|worst]] Chapter Tactics. Crusader certainly is nice to have, but ATSKNF makes re-rolling pinning and no morale checks from shooting pretty redundant. If you're gonna play Minotaurs you're gonna have to bring Moloc, who is a fucking monster in CC while gaining a VP per character executed in a challenge ''and'' giving your guys Prefered Enemy (Space Marines). So if you didn't get the memo, Minotaurs are meant to be run with Moloc as your Warlord against other Space Marine armies. If a friend of yours is running a really annoying Space Marine army, especially if he has Smashfucker, sic these guys on him and watch him cry.

===8th Edition===
How 8th Edition treated Forge World chapters is an issue of [[skub|intense debate]]. Sure, you can choose whatever tactic you want, but it still feels like an afterthought on the part of Games Workshop. That aside, Moloc and Aiakos came out of the update relatively unscathed, still being hard nuts to crack and very lethal overall, but with loss of initiative, and Moloc has lost the main thing he was taken for - the godsent army-wide Preferred enemy: Space Marines. Instead he can "do the wulfen" now. Ivanus, however, has lost all of his utility and is just an overpriced Chaplain with attacks and wounds of a captain, and no longer gains an extra attack from having two specialist weapons. Hecaton fell into category of Characters too fat to use Character rule and costs a little shy of a goddamn GALLANT KNIGHT but with Hero of the Chapter strategem can be a pain in the ass on a city map. Kraatos also no longer exists as of the FAQ, with Forge World telling you to just [[fail|use him as a regular devastator marine]]. ROC pattern Storm Eagle still rocks though.

==Gallery==
<gallery>
File:Minotaurs_Original_Scheme.jpg|[[Fail|Their original scheme]], just try and paint an entire Chapter of them.
File:Veteran_Brother_Isskar.PNG|Stylized red markings are used to identify [[Veteran Squad]]s...
File:Sternguard_Veteran_Thoul.PNG|...And sergeants
</gallery>

{{Marines-Official}}

Emperor's To-Do List

2020-04-29T16:18:45Z

2601:443:47F:3CA0:6460:126F:3328:EFAE: /* Gathering Storm Special List */

Emperor's To-Do List

2020-04-29T16:13:38Z

2601:443:47F:3CA0:6460:126F:3328:EFAE: /* Gathering Storm Special List */

{{Awesome}}
{{Heresy}}
== The Emperor's list of Things to do after Resurrection ==
The God-Emperor of Mankind has been taking a bit of a breather lately, but don't think that he has stopped caring and looking after humanity. As a matter of fact, the [[Adeptus Custodes]] happen to have scribbled down this reassuring list of things that the Emperor intends to do once he's finished taking a little nap, scratched his non-existent nose and taken a bath.

==Rules for new entries==

1: Learn to spell. This is the Emperor's Sacred To-Do List, not the toilet paper roll of an illiterate [[Indrick Boreale|five year old]].

2: Keep crossovers to a minimum, ''especially'' dumb ones. Before you make it, ask yourself "can it be funny without referencing non-[[Warhammer]] stuff?" If the answer is yes, don't make the reference.

3: Read through the damn list before repeating the same damn thing over again, because having five entries, all asking for the same thing is [[Derp|stupid]]. Have you read it? Read it again!

4: Learn to be funny and not painfully annoying, jokes are fine, ''bad'' jokes are not. Before you show us your wit, tell it to some friends and see if they laugh. If you don't have friends, tell it to your pet. If your pet is an [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iguana iguana] and therefore cannot talk, talk to the voices in your head and try to make them laugh.

5: Avoid excessive strike-throughs and [[Blam|blamming]], as it makes it hard for all of us to read.

6: Anyone who declares a state of anarchy or refers to this article as a "thread", will be [[Blam|shot]], [[Dark Eldar|dragged out behind the barnyard]], [[Ork|beaten severely]], [[Imperial Guard|run over with a Baneblade]], then [[Blam|shot]] again.

7: If you can't make jokes, then put some effort to make an insightful or interesting submission. Think about what the [[God-Emperor of Mankind|God-Emperor]] would actually do when he wakes up to the sight of a regressing civilization.

8: Don't edit these rules.

==The Holy List (in no particular order)==
[[File:TheLiterallyImmortalGodEmperorOfMankind.jpg|300px|thumb|"Your faith in The Emperor shall assuredly be rewarded."]]
The thing is that the Emperor of Mankind would be really pissed off upon returning his consciousness to his body and finding out what happened to his Imperium during his 10,000-year-long absence/slumber upon the Golden Throne.
In his absence, the [[High Lords of Terra|idiots]] running the Imperium have become even more corrupt, the [[Imperial Truth]] has been forgotten by everyone, some [[Ecclesiarchy|retards]] have got everyone worshipping me, some [[Black Templars|maniacs]] are so fucked up they are just killing anyone useful, and the general state of affairs is through and through [[Grimdark|GRIMDARK]].
This list describes the immediate "improvements" the Emperor of Mankind would install, steps towards a more [[noblebright]] galaxy. The list has also seen some additions made by the [[Adeptus Custodes]] and the [[Commissars]] of the [[Imperial Guard]].

----
# Scratch my nose.
# Take a bath.
# Scratch my everything.
# Eat breakfast.
# Find my ballpoint pen.
# Punch Lorgar in the face.
## Then punch everyone else in the face.
# Roll around on the floor.
# Scream really loud.
# Get some tacos.
# Kill every single one of the [[Marines Malevolent]]. Because they deserve it.
# Look at this list and reorganize. Some items on the list are more important than others.
## Not enough dakka
# Become CEO and majority shareholder of [[Games Workshop]].
## Execute and then replace its upper level employees and management.
# Recognize /tg/ for its greatness.
# Clone Creed <strike>and make him commander of everything</strike>-Scratch that, resurrect '''LORD SOLAR MACHARIUS''', make ''him'' commander of everything, and make Creed his second-in-command... of everything. Also, make the both of them into Primarchs for good measure
# Find Dorn, and spank his ass until it is so red Magnus looks normal in comparison because his spiky Iron Halo popped my eye.
# Hand his so-called 'Imperial Guards' over to the Angry Marines
## Then hand his entire military over the Angry Marines to use to decorate every chain sword in the galaxy with their guts
# Build a new Death Star, I want a Death Star, dammit!
## Scratch that, Get Titan Converted into a new Starkiller base. Fuck, The Grey Knights would be good enough, but keep it away from the rest of the [[Inquisition]]
## Actually, create something even bigger, just because I can.
## ''Important note:'' Stick a void shield on the thing!
## '''''Very Important Note''''' Make sure it can't be blown up by a few lucky idiots doing a single thing somewhere important.
### '''''''Extremely Important Note''''''' Make sure you plan to declare a crusade on Eldar Craftworlds(not Exodites, waste of resources) to make sure they don't stop you from building it.
# Take a shower, I smell worse than a [[Plague Marine]] at this point.
# Brush my teeth, because at this point, my halitosis could probably qualify for Exterminatus.
# Fix my fucked up face.
# Find [[Magnus the Red|Magnus]], and spank him until his buttocks are in the infrared spectrum for ruining everything.
# Create [[Catgirl|Catgirls]].
## Kill anyone who asks why, as they are too stupid to live.
## Destroy the gene manipulation records as to not enable anyone to make Chakats.
## Never mind, turns out [[Felinids]] are already a thing. Saves me the trouble.
## Give Felinids "sanctioned" status so no one can fuck with them.
# Retry building the Golden Throne so that this time I can access the [[Webway]].
## But this time actually share it with other people and test it somewhere else off of [[Holy Terra]].
# Add more bling to my palace, even more bling to my throne and go bling crazy on a new suit of armour.
# Drive around the M25 in a car so fast I dig a trench around London by friction
# Table an Eldar player by turn 2 in an equal points game (it's possible, I've just done it!!!(bitches))
# Recruit black guardsmen/bolter bitches.
# Eat something other than psykers babies, seriously I need to eat more carbohydrates.
## And some protein, so I can get even more ripped. I know no-one can see my [[Gay|muscles]], but they need to be there.
## Don't forget your vitamins too, Dear.
# Eat a live [[Carnifex]] without the aid of sauces.
# Eat another live [[Carnifex]] with the aid of sauces.
# Turn yet another [[DISTRACTION CARNIFEX|Carnifex]] into sauce, while living, and use that as a sauce for the last live Carnifex.
# Discover a way to cook Tyranids so they taste like buttered lobsters or fried bacon. That way, Imperial Guardsmen will not only be cheered up by the prospect of a good meal at the end of a battle, but they would also appreciate the irony of galaxy-eaters suddenly becoming tasty grub. Hiveships, once dreaded, would become flying hors d'oeuvres platters.
# Wash the Carnifex meal down with a glass of soda and Amasec.
# Further expand the Warhammer 40K storyline without the interference of [[Games Workshop]].
# Teach the [[Imperial Guard]] generals some actual tactics other than "Hey-Diddle-Diddle-Straight-Up-The-Middle."
# Tell the Adeptus Mechanicus to stop keeping secrets and actually try to advance technology so we don't have to rely on whatever scraps from the [[Dark Age of Technology]] we have left. Threaten to Exterminatus Mars if they don't.
# Replace the Imperial Guardsmen [[Lasgun|Lasguns]] with something that can ''actually'' do shit. Probably some Pulse Rifles or Gauss Flayers.
# Get a Militarum codex for all the Segmenta and make Militarum Solar entirely from [[Adeptus Custodes]] in Necrodermis.
# Make up with [[Matt Ward|Matthew Ward]] as he isn't that bad.
## GeeDubs still made shit in his absence.
# Kick that [[Star Wars]] Emperor's arse.
## Proceed to reverse engineer their lasers and proceed to make Lasguns better.
## Hang out with Darth Vader.
# Gather every Guardsman, Astartes, Inquisition operative, Sororita, Commissar... hell, everyone in the Imperium of Man, give them weapons, have them surround the Eye of Terror and ''then'' let the Greatest of all Holy shitstorms ensue.
## Optional: Proceed to create Black Hole Producing weaponry and launch a ton at the Eye of Terror.
# On that note, find a way to bring [[Kaldor Draigo]] from the warp. I need him because he Gets Shit Done.
## Fuck Kaldor Draigo, he's insane(yet funny). Find someone just as awesome as me to get some shit done...Doomguy.
## Or perhaps this Doom Slayer man, I heard he took down a demonic god.
# Outangry [[Angron]], outsex [[Fulgrim]], outfortify [[Perturabo]], outwit [[Magnus]], outspeed [[Jaghatai Khan|Khan]], outpreach [[Lorgar]], outdrink [[Leman Russ|Russ]], outendurance [[Mortarion]] and outforge [[Vulkan]].
# Personally execute Fulgrim, Perturabo, Angron and the rest of the traitor Primarchs.. ''after'' the Inquisition has given them a proper torturing. Except Fulgrim. No torture for him will be torture enough.
## May I suggest simply bringing them back into your fold my lord? Primarchs are rather expensive.
### Fine: send Fulgrim to rehab, lock Mortarion in the Imperial bathroom, get Magnus a gym membership, send Angron to group anger management classes, tell Perturabo he builds the best sand castles, inform [[Omegon]] where Waldo is and teach Lorgar what self esteem is so he can worship himself for once.
# Beat [[Khorne]] in an arm wrestling match, thus avenging my prior defeat at his hands, then rip his arm off and beat him to death with it.
# Show [[Slaanesh]] my dick and watch his/hers/its sweet tears of envy. If Slaanesh doesn't cry, just dickslap the bitch into Khorne's arms and eat popcorn while hilarity ensues.
# Hug [[Nurgle|Papa Nurgle]] and remain pure.
# Get [[Isha]] out of Nurgle's clutches, then watch as every Eldar wych freaks out, incidentally causing the Eye of Terror to blink. [[Just as Planned]].
# Seduce Isha, just to prove that I can, and watch as Nurgle gets pissed off.
# Fuck Isha so hard that every [[Eldar]] is gonna feel their asses sore. Also make sure to livestream it!
# Give Nurgle a bath, with holy water made by distilling the blood of 1,000,000,000,000 saints.
# Make Nurgle feel gut-wrenching sadness so bad his cultists won't be so unnaturally happy.
# Run before plagues eat Nurgle alive for not being diseased enough, spontaneously combusting with the power of 10 of my Legendary Power Swords.
# Devise a scheme so elaborate and complex that I'll be the one to say "Just as planned" to Tzeentch.
## Makes sure it better than what [[Creed]] could come up with.
# Then do the same thing to [[Commander Puretide]].
# And then do the same to [[Imotekh the Stormlord]].
# And then do the same to [[Eldrad]].
# Then get Creed, Imotekh, Puretide, Eldrad, [[Aetaos'Rau'Keres]], The [[Swarmlord]] and [[Kairos Fateweaver| Kairos]] instated as the new Eggheads.
# Outdick [[Eldrad]]. Then screw both of his daughters in front of him. Again. At the same time.
## Go back in time and get Eldrad to have more daughters, so that I can have an orgy in front of him.
### While your at it, create a Time Travel Paradox Nuke to destroy the universe for leverage over Chaos and everyone else. [[Just as Planned]].
## Apologize to [[Taldeer]] by officiating at her wedding with LIIVI (and make that canon!)
# Go back in time (multiversal travel required too) and tell the dumb fuck at [[Games Workshop]] [[Matthew Ward]] who fucked up the 5th Edition of Codex Astartes that "He's doing it wrong," the dude to made the Imperial Guard better that "He's doing it right,"(Tomb kings and Tyranids disagree), then go to the guy who decided to give the Guard flashlights and take him to the Inquisition to be properly tortured.
# <s>Make a Total War version of Warhammer</s> Done. Make a [[Total War]] version of Warhammer 40k.
# Permit Space Marines and Sisters of Battle to date. Well, the Astartes call themselves my Sons, and the Sororitas say they're my Daughters... maybe this plan is a wee bit awkward? But I want grandkids, and the last time I was a dad, my son [[Horus]] went and [[Horus Heresy|ruined Christmas for everybody]].
# Be a better father to the rest of my sons, as not to spark another shitstorm that will inevitably cripple me for another few millennia.
# Go on a deer-hunting trip with some [[Vindicare]] and bag more kills than him using MY KICKASS FLAY-WITH-MY-MIND POWERS!!!
# Overshadow an [[Eversor]] Assassin during his dynamic entry.
# Deceive a [[Callidus]] Assassin with disguises and trick her into having a romantic relationship with me.
# Outbrood a [[Culexus]] Assassin and still remain awesome.
# Deceive the [[C'tan]] false GabeN "[[The Deceiver]]" by tricking him into giving over control of the Necrons to me.
# Find the C'tan called "[[The Outsider]]" and rehabilitate him. If not possible, kick him into a Black Hole.
# Find out what if anything is chasing the Tyranids and see if they're friendly. If not: Launch the prototype promethium planetary bombardment torpedo.
# Once again outdick Eldrad in the game of his choice, forcing him to ragequit.
# Beat a [[Lord of Change]] Greater Daemon in a game of Chess with only 5 moves.
# Then beat it in 4
# Make a better emergency life support system as a safeguard if things for some reason go south. By that I mean make some kinda Emperor [[Dreadnought]] or some shit like that so I can still do my job instead of all this being a decaying corpse on some tricked out toilet worshiped by the entire population... did I mention how much this sucks? I heard that an old fart by the name of Karamazov has a dreadnought as a chair...
# <s>Personally get that dreadnought back-up plan started</s> Better idea, make myself a fucking [[Imperator Battle Titan|Imperator Titan]] as my Dreadnought backup plan
##Actually, fuck that, build a Dreadnought that goes in an Imperator Titan.
##fuck it, have the [[Adeptus Mechanicus|cog-faced boys]] over at mars make me an even bigger titan and then throw the imperial palace on its back
# Outright skullfuck Slaanesh for making something so good be so wrong and heretical.
# Eliminate masturbation across the Imperium and in its place have sanctioned sex workers as part of the socialized medical program(no, I think I had it right before) so nobody will be stuck comforting themselves alone ever again.
# Go outdick Eldrad one last time. Then put all the Eldar he saved when he got the Orks to invade Armageddon in a life threatening situation.
## Let Eldrad try and save them.
## Laugh as he fails.
## Save them so I get to be the bigger man.
## Make a note of where they all are so next time Eldrad pisses me off I can kill them without wasting too much time.
# Send search parties throughout the Empire to find that awesome excuse for a Space [[Viking]], [[Leman Russ]], and if he's found alive, hand his ass to him like I did before I got stuck on this throne.
# Prove the existence of the [[Alpha Legion]].
# Get those two exiled legions back again, they've blasted enough [[Tyranids]] in other galaxies by now!
# Give Alpharius and Omegon a hug for staying secretly loyal and fighting Chaos from within for ten thousand years, then ground them for a decade for all the damage they did in the process
# Invent a more reliable warp drive in order to...
# Expand the Imperium to a intergalactic empire.
# Create a special rule just for myself so that instead of just ''one'' unit as a scout, I field an [[Creed|ENTIRE REGIMENT'S worth of troops as scouts]].
# Beat a Commissar at a Western-Style shootout.
# Recognize the [[Legion of the Damned]] for their awesomeness and badassery.
# Challenge [[Sly Marbo]] to a duel to decide who is the greatest being in the entire universe.
# Beat a Tau Broadside battlesuit in ranged combat using only an angry glare.
# <s>Hunt down my Legendary Power Sword. Again</s>. Never mind Apparently roboute found it
##Ask him if he can give it back
# Come up with a Name for my Legendary Power Sword more original than The Burning Blade.
# Use the warp to go back in time, find myself and beat myself in a duel, so I can have TWO Legendary Power Swords!!!
# GROW A GOD-DAMNED BEARD. HOW CAN I BE CONSIDERED MANLY WITHOUT A BEARD? Also, how the fuck none grew in 10 fucking thousand years?
#Give a TONS of medals and some miles of purity seals to [[Gav and Bob|Gav]] (seriously, that ogryn kill a keeper of secrets and a thousand sons wizard) then resurrect Bob, commissar Arry and give a new body to Tarla for make him happy.
# Find the canon-Nazi using this list as his own personal toilet paper to wipe his shit on and mail him to Commorragh.
# Throw a WAAAGH!!
## Invite the Orks to said WAAAGH!!.
## Aim said WAAAGH!! at the Necrons/Tyranids.
## Bring a camera.
## ???
## PROFIT.
# Find [[Lion El'Jonson]] and get him back on the front line owning shit.
# Resurrect [[Rogal Dorn]]/Rogal Dorn's hand, and stitch it back on.
# Disable [[Roboute Guilliman]]'s life support.
## Never mind, someone got him off his lazy blue butt.
## Find out who resurrected him and keep them on retainer in case things go ploin-shaped again.
## Apologise to him for being such a dick when we last spoke. See point 63 for reason why.
# Create a First Founding 2.0 to make the [[Angry Marines]], [[Manly Marines]] and those other guys canon.
# Come up with more shit for The Emperor's list of Things to do after Resurrection 2.0 if things do go south for some reason and the Emprah-dread-titan ain't ready yet.
# Turn the Armageddon conflict into a 24/7 Reality TV Channel, just like in that fantastic movie The Truman Show.
# Invent a deodorant that works on Typhus.
# Promote [[Cypher]] to Warmaster, he's clearly more competent than any other human that got to that rank. He seems more reliable than even Lion El'Jonson.
# Fuck, trip-out and drink the whole of [[Commorragh]] under the table, and then <s>kick</s> PUNT their stoned arses into Hell.
# Proceed to turn the remnants of Commorragh into a family friendly theme/water park called "EMPRA LAND!". Featured attractions: Blam the Xenos, Hot Heretic and Dismember the Deamon!
# Somehow regain my love and compassion. Can't lead the Imperium into non-grimdarkness without that, you know!
# Figure out how to get my awesomesauce body back since I lost all my limbs to decomposition.
# Make the Ultramarines stop boasting how awesome they are while in fact they fuck up almost every vital engagement. Thus, first I must make them REALLY awesome, and then I won't need to tell about it to anyone since it will be a fact in itself.
# Somehow find a way to come back without sparking off galaxy-wide hysteria. Seriously, who would have thought being considered a GabeN would suck so hard?
# Redesign the power armor [[pauldrons]]. CAN'T SEE SHIT WITH THESE THINGS ON, I MEAN FUCK. Also, I can't fucking scratch my neck without smashing my head. While I'm at it, find out why the fucking hell I thought that was a good idea to have those things so big in the first place.
## My lord, the Techpriests of Mars have fixed this issue by making the pauldrons slide downwards automatically when the arms need to be raised.
# Design a helmet awesome enough for me, let's see [[Failbaddon|wannabe Horuses]] try to mortally wound me when all of me is covered in armor.
## May I suggest augmenting your laurel crown with a powerfield and some sort of transparent armor?
# Invent a power staircase.
# Resurrect Malcador the Hero and give him a shiny medal for his troubles.
## On second thought, better make it two shiny medals.
## We're talking REALLY shiny, here.
## It's like, damn son.
## So shiny.
## Actually give him three shiny medals.
## Heresy! Give him 4 Shiny medals.
## Actually.... A suit of auramite power armor with the awards engraved in the chest. Add a archaeotech refractor in there too.
# Congratulate [[Abaddon|Failbaddon]] for doing more damage to the forces of Chaos than my armies could have done in the same amount of time by being an incompetent fuck, then dickslap him back into the Warp.
# Use Time machine to bring Archaon into the 41st millennia and watch him beat Abbadon with with his own arms and take his place so I may have a worthy opponent.
# Boot Cato Sicarius into the eye of terror and get Captain Titus to lead the 2nd company.
# Surf a flying leviathan.
# Surf an Emperor-Class [[Titan]]
# Surf the energy beam from an overcharges VOLCANO CANNON, THAT ORBITAL SPIRE IS GOING DOWN!!!
# Get Forge World to make a fluff accurate miniature of me.
# Make a legendary thunder-shield for myself.
# Make my armor out of Necrodermis, I'll be invincible then.
##Find a way to minatureize a void shield into that.
##Failing that, an Ion Shield.
# Make [[Commissar Yarrick]] into a living saint, I'm tired of Khorne bragging about how cool An'ggrath is and how I have nothing to match him, so I want my own version.
# Resurrect Ciaphas Cain and form the "forward retreat" legion for him to command.
# Collect each and every one of the bajillion pieces of Khaine, put them together, and as he resurrects, punch him so hard that he'll fall apart into TWO bajillion pieces.
# Create a super sleeping pill for the Void Dragon so he'll never wake up. In case it won't work, I will pummel him back to sleep personally. It worked before, thus I suppose it wouldn't be too much harder a second time, but I have a lot of better things to attend to so the sleeping pill is worth a try.
# Finally win a game of Paradox Poker. Yes it's fun to get together with Tzeentch, the Deceiver, and Cegorach every Saturday night for these games of dickery. But it's about time that someone won one of these games and it might as well be me. Maybe I can bring Creed along to help.
##Invent a translator for the hive mind so it doesn't sound like a thousand mental patients gargling a million nails in motor oil and weird syntax and can become a regular player.
## Privatize said translator and form a secret alliance with the Hivemind, and then talk shit about the others behind their backs (after making sure the translator works two ways).
# Organize my birthcentury party. It's gonna be an awesome party that'll last 10,000 days!
# Out-prank and out-funny Cegorach... probably the most difficult thing to do on my list.
# Set up arrangements for my return where I launch myself out of a Vindicator and hit a Demon Prince, [[awesome|causing him to explode.]]
# Figure out how to tell [[Adeptus Mechanicus|my man bitches]] to add pimp wheels to my golden throne then maybe a [[Dwarf Fortress|magma cannon]] or something badass...
# Reupholster the golden throne.
# Develop better plans to stop global warming and acid rain on [[Hiveworld]] planets.
# Beat Abaddon with his own arms.
# Recharge my iAuspex.
## Update it too, oh me, the update time....
# Beat [[Matt Ward]] and [[C.S. Goto]] over the head with their crappy works
# Tell the [[Black Templars]] to chill the fuck out. On second thought gather them into the 10,000 strong unstoppable force (ITS IN THE CODEX IT MUST BE SO) and destroy the Eye of Terror.
# Release Bjorn and find the Space Wolves a kennel.
# Get the Space Wolves a damn flea collar
# Win a blinking contest with the Eye of Terror.
# Fetch Badassius his coat.
# Look up affordable retirement plans, I am so sick of babysitting some of these hopeless morons.
# Challenge [[Doomrider]] into a space coke-snorting contest. Then laugh at him as he dies from overdosing on the stuff.
# Convince [[Doombreed]] to allow a model of himself to be made.
# Get a haircut. Ensure my hair is even more fabulous.
# Have a trip over to the dentist.
# [[Exterminatus]] Equestria
## And their sun and moon as while, do those first actually.
# Beat Chuck Norris with his own legs
# Start an intergalactic fast food chain. (Empy's Empanada's)
# Invent a time machine.
# Guarantee that Magnus won't fuck up my invention again. Rip his eye out and beat him to death with it.
# Use the time-machine to drink [[Leman Russ]] under the table.
# Using the time-machine so I can eat more than Leman Russ as well.
# Hatch an extremely complicated time machine plot.
## Go back in time and give yourself a time machine and all future information
## Do something cool??? Figure out how to twist reality better?
## Uhhh.... running out of ideas... Annihilate [[Horus]]?
## Do something about your fall. What fall?
## No Matter What Happens, The world will... wait is it will or was or is...
## ???
## ????????????????????
## Profit?
## Hire the Tau to make a animated series about my inter-time adventures, call it Golden;Throne or something.
# Assign a Primarch to the [[Angry Marines]]
# Assign Zoloft regiment to newly anointed Primarch of the Angry Marines
# Find my driver's license and look up own name.
# Clean house with the Administratum. How can we get shit done when we don't know how much we have to work with?
# Dig out my office from all the paperwork/peat moss that has accumulated over the <s>years</s> <s>decades</s> <s>centuries</s> fucking millennia. Not looking forward to this one.
## Get my old battleship for a shortcut.
# Make galaxy wide web and ban Lord Commissar from every thing.
## Spy on everyone with no mercy. [[Chaos]] will corrupt through the web or some stupid explanation via Chaos Magic.
# Invent a social network purely for Space Marines accessible from any data slate called Facemarine.com
# Invent a website called 40000chan.org so that humanity will finally be rid of the IRL [[trolls]] that have taken control over the hive cities, instead of the internet.
# Outangry a Angry Marine
# Outmanly a Manly Marine
# Outpretty a [[Pretty Marines|Pretty Marine]]
# Utterly destroy all [[furry|furfaggotry]]. (Space wolves and catgirls not included!)
# Beat myself in arm-wrestling with only one arm.
# Beat [[Commissar Fuklaw]] in a chainsword duel. Then every Angry Marine.
# Tell the [[Blood Ravens]] to stop dicking around in the Aurelia Subsector and get to work on that Eye Of Terror thing.
# Cure space-AIDS by wiping out those filthy Dark Eldar.
# Pimp the Golden Throne so that I may score even more bitches.
# Make a show called "The Fresh Emperor of Sacred Terra".
# Get new toilet paper, this 40,001 year megapack has almost run out.
# Turn off my [[Astronomicon|nightlight]]. Seems that everyone was using it for something. Well, no big deal I guess.
## Actually, create something better, which has a radius bigger than 50,000 light years, doesn't cause the deaths of one thousand [[psykers]] every day (find a better use for them) but most importantly doesn't need me to control it. I mean come on, my time is too important to just act as a giant psychic signpost.
# Order all thrones, chairs and benches destroyed. Or out of my sight at least, on pain of Exterminatus Cheezious, which is like getting creamed, but harder.
# Build a gold fortress at the [[brits|centre]] of Terra to enslave troglodytes.
# Become human parasite.
# Go back in time, beat entire GW executive board over the head with a power bat and then give the Warhammer 40000 license to someone willing to do a good job of it.
# Scratch that, go back in time, resurrect THQ and tell them to make five more Space Marine games.
# Punch [[Mork]] in the balls, with [[Gork]]'s severed fist.
# Demote [[Creed]] and his friends who keep fucking with my list.
# Beat [[Swarmlord]] and mindfuck [[Hive Mind]]
# Pray night and day that Frank Herbert's family doesn't sue the shit out of me for blatantly ripping him off.
# Get [[Andy Chambers]] BACK!!!
# Kick every heretic who claimed the Space Marine game was a ripoff of Gears of War/Starcraft in the balls with Powerfeet. Then send the [[Angry Marines]] in.
# Beat [[Matt Ward]] to death with [[C.S. Goto]].
# Beat [[C.S. Goto]] to death with [[Matt Ward]]'s corpse.
# Give the Nightbringer nightmares about me.
# Resurrect [[Sanguinius]].
# Tell him how much I missed him.
# Resurrect [[Ferrus Manus]].
# Tell him how much I didn't miss him.
# Find Leman Russ, Corvus Corax, Jaghatai Khan and Vulcan then get their asses back to battlefield.
# Tell the [[Dark Angels]] I forgive them so they stop being emo and ambiguously heretical, and they can get back to kicking the asses of my enemies
# Sit down and a have a cup of tea. Because it's just been that fucking long.
# Find a way to re-create Horus's soul and then destroy it again.
# Then do it again.
# Put a new password on my computer to stop all these heretics from accessing my damn list!
# Buy a really big gun to gather a load of Orks and shit in the middle of nowhere...
# ...then Virus Bomb said area......
# Take a dump on the Golden Throne.
# Congratulate [[Vance Motherfucking Stubbs]].
# Go out on a shopping day to buy a new outfit, because this golden armor set is just ''SO'' 10 millennia ago.
# Order the Inquisition to torture the fuck out of EA's board of directors.
# Use proceeds to pay for Power Armor for every front line soldier in the Imperial Guard. Commissars get Terminator Armor.
# Modify the Imperial Palace to be able to transform into "GabeN Emperor Class Super Titan".
# Play [[Matt Ward]] in a game of Warhammer 40K. Let him build the ultimate broken [[Ultramarines]]/[[Grey Knights]] army. Destroy him in the first round with a [[Sisters of Battle]] army.
## Fuck that, a Imperial Guard army.
## Collect tears of [[butthurt]] and despair from him losing.
# Go back in time and reduce the prices at [[Games Workshop]].
# Unfuck the galaxy (again).
## Then proceed to make sure it won't be fucked again.
### Without annihilating all sentient beings (and therefore killing [[chaos]]) and destroying the universe without causing it to crunch.
# Adopt [[Cultist-Chan]]. Hire a dialect coach and orthodontist for her.
# Find a [[Tarrasque]] and make it [[Emprahsque|my personal pet]].
# Commend [[Captain Titus]] for not succumbing to Ultramarine stereotypes. Conclude the ceremony by striking Brother Leandros (the ungrateful fucking smurf) in the testicles with a thunder hammer.
# Get some Preparation H from the Apothecaries.
# Revise Imperial naval doctrine to emphasize that SPACE IS NOT A FUCKING OCEAN!
# Write a best-selling autobiography.
# Buy a shop-vac and drain [[Khorne]]'s lake of blood. Dump hydrofluoric acid on his skull pile until it is a calcium slurry. Laugh scornfully at Khorne's unbelievable [[rage]] as the work of centuries goes to waste in a few hours.
# Tell everyone to cheer up. The universe is [[grimdark|depressing]] enough, I don't need an entire [[Imperium|empire]] worth of wangst.
# Create a chastity belt out of [[necrodermis]] and put it on Slaanesh. Then create a matching ballgag and shackles in case the fucker might get creative. [[Not as planned|This won't get kinkier, won't it?]]
# [[Blood Bowl|Introduce football to Orks and create elaborate stadiums, as to distract them from killing us.]]
# Weaponize a [[Sonic Weaponry|vuvuzela]] and beat a [[Noise Marine]] with it.
# Get new ballpoint pens because this damn list is draining the ink.
# Create a new space marine chapter dedicated to making pens with holiness.
# Consider ways to liven up sports with the introduction of power armor/fists.
# Disband the [[Ultramarines]] Chapter and show [[Matt Ward]] what has been done as part of the torture.
## If [[Not as planned]] occurs and [[Matt Ward]] ignores you ROB him into the most applicable
# <s>Revive the [[Squats]].</s>{{BLAM}}{{BLAM|Squats are Heresy!}} Bitch I am the mother fucking EMPEROR.
# Piss on Horus' maggoty, heretical corpse.
# Resurrect Horus again and beat him to an inch away from death, then put him in life support/stasis for 10,000 years and make sure he feels every second of it- lets see how he likes being in agony for countless millenia.
# Teach the [[Adeptus Mechanicus]] there is no such thing as machine spirits, and tell them they can start using AI and computers more. See notes regarding Imperial Navy for immediately apparent uses. Then shit an Imperial Palace worth of bricks as the Void Dragon takes over everything and the Age of Strife happens all over again.
# Congratulate The Legion Of The Damned.
# Give the remaining Lamenters a hug. They deserve it.
# Determine if sexual virility has remained intact. If not, demand the necessary supplements under pain of death.
# Dominate a Sister of Battle in bed.
# Find a way to build [[Blackstone Fortress]]es.
## Use as part of plan to shoot the Eye of Terror out of existence.
# Deal with all the spam on 1d4chan.
# Bring back Warhammer Wednesday.
# Make a 40K version of [[Blood bowl]].
# Make Blood bowl the Imperium's official sport.
# Invite the [[Eldar]], [[Chaos]] and the [[Ork]] forces to participate in Blood Bowl games, proceed to rig every game. [[Just as planned]].
# Kill Gorgutz, If he doesn't run away from the fight, like he did on Lorn, Kronus and Karauva.
# Create for myself a massive golden space-caddy to roll around the Imperium and fuck bitches in.
# Train the commissars to stop executing their own men and start executing Furries that are useless instead.
# Officially recognize the reasonable marines as the Knights Inductor. I need a Space Marine chapter that doesn't go trigger happy when they encounter heresy and xenos.
# take a vacation to pen island
# Make a chapter of Space Marines born from clones of [[Simo Hayha]] that is justifiably overpowered in the tabletop.
# Get at least one Space Marine commander, preferably a Grey Knight, in some future Warhammer game to be voiced by James Earl Jones.
## Get a high ranking character in said game to be voiced by Morgan Freeman.
# Eat a pie with a live Carnifex inside with the aid of sauces.
# Look disapprovingly at the Ecclesiarchy then bitch-slap the priests.
# Reintroduce the [[Imperial Truth]], but this time, inform my citizens and soldiers of the dangers of Chaos and how to prevent it from infecting them.
## No wait, that's a terrible idea. Faith hurt's Chaos and religion gives guidance and hope to the masses. It's the stupid Imperial government that kept going ape about heresy and killing people. Since worship apprently ''doesn't'' feed Chaos, there is no point to the Imperial Truth except the Manifest Destiny part.
# Overhaul the Imperial Guard's stance on martial justice. If I happen to catch a Commissar shooting a recruit out of a meaningless quibble, I will beat him with my bare fists and he will have to be permanently accompanied by a servo-skull equipped with a colostomy bag. {{BLAM| <b> Commissar reasonable agrees </b>}}
# Research ways to prepare Orks as a palatable substitute for Corpse Starch rations, much like the ancient Terran food product "Quorn." Would also increase morale among common soldiers, as they would treat a WAAAGH like a Grox dinner with Amasec on legs.
# Find way to make bolt-mounted power field generators feasible? Perhaps I should look at the Angry Marines' Adamantine Sack of Power Doorknobs...
## Also, see about powerfields on the shells fired by weapons batteries on Navy ships. That would be hilarious and awesome.
# Place an Imperial edict forbidding the use of Baroque and Gothic architecture. Who knows how many resources were spent gilding those fucking stupid space cathedrals?
# Use a hive city as a tooth pick.
# Make a new edition of Epic Armageddon.
# Try to domesticate some Tyranids so that we can ride them like war horses or some shit. I don't think it will work (then again the Orks managed to do it) but I just want to see if we can manage it. Besides even if it doesn't work it will probably be a fun experience (assuming nobody gets eaten).
# Crush [[Doomrider]] into a fine powder and snort him.
# Party with [[Pedro Kantor]] and promote him to Imperial Fist primarch.
# Invent a way to make female marines, and give them all to the [[Crimson Fists]] and blood angels. Those poor bastards need it.
## Before that, gather all those who demanded that female space marines should be created and have them explain the concept to the Adepta Sororitas.
## Revive Malcador, then wed him to the most muscled sister I can find. After the honey moon period, ask him what he thinks of the concept of "making them all sisters".
### Legalize polygamy should he still agree.
## Realize that it is rare for women to even try to join the military and that the tests for Space Marines kill all but the strongest and most durable men out of trillions. Oops.
### Send the handful of dead female aspirants (sadly, all of the aspirants) family's an apology letter and some money.
# Introduce the Angry Marines to megaphones.
# Establish the Adeptus Astartes Legions once again and rewrite the Codex Astartes to emphasize tactical and strategic flexibility. Arrange a checks and balances system similar to the [[Iron Hands]] for the purposes of chapter administration. Those who protest this action will be redirected to the complaints department, which happens to be located on my power fist.
# DESIGN AND MAKE NEW SHIT (Mechanicus won't/can't do it, fucking toaster fuckers)
# Give a [[Honey Badger]] power armor and use it as a weapon.
# Name said Honey Badger Chapter Master of the [[Angry Marines]]. They're gonna love it.
# Build a Tank to crush a MOTHERFUCKING BANEBLADE.
# Give it to Yarrick as a present.
# Invent Krak-Grenade Tennis with Thunder Hammers for rackets.
# Invent Krak-Grenade Baseball with Thunder Hammers for bats.
# Invent Krak-Grenade Cricket with Thunder Hammers for bats.
# Invent Krak-Grenade Golf with Thunder Hammers for clubs.
# Beat Da Squig in a Baneblade race.
# Declare Tank Motorsports as an official sport.
# Amass a fleet of a million ships and finish kicking the shit out of everything else in the galaxy.
# Bring back the Enslavers. Then enslave them.
# Make a Baneblade the size of a Emperor Titan.
# Make a Titan the size of a Emperor class battleship.
# Make a Emperor Class battleship the size of a [[World Engine]].
# Help the Necrons to build a World Engine the size of the Eye of Terra.
## Then destroy it. Because I can.
# Steal [[Necron]] starships. Traveling the galaxy without warp drives? Fuck yeah, I want that!
# Learn how to make Tyranid calamari.
# Learn how to make Tyranid Tika Masala.
# Learn how to make Tyranid Sushi.
# Play hide and seek with Sly Marbo and with the Tanith First (and Only) guys. It'll be interesting to see why they can't find the deity of Mankind who wears Golden Power Armour and is over three meters tall.
# Declare Catachan Exploding Turtles (dubbed "Mine Turtles" by the local populace) an endangered species. Seriously, these things explode all over the fucking place.
# Find a way to get a truce with the Eldar and/or Tau Empire, then throw a galaxy and webway-wide party with said allies
# Outlaw the appellations Empy, Emprah, Big E and so on. Not addressing me with my real name is [[Heresy]]!
# Dissolve the Ecclesiarchy. I hate those creepy fucks.
# Ask Officio Assassinorum about drugs they using on Eversors, then start selling it in Commorragh. If you can't defeat them, make money on them, I always say that
# After my Imperial Dealers completely take over the city, have them kick dark eldar as back to hell where they belong.
# Then fill this place with so much sex, drugs and gambling that it will put <s>Las Vegas</s> [[Asdrubael Vect|Dicky Drubby]] to shame.
# And there will be [[Daemonette|daemonettes]] serving drinks, or you can call me "Emprah"
# Open a zoo with [[METAL BOXES|rhinos in metal cages]]. Any visitors will be executed as heretics.
# Encourage creative thinking, like "there is better way to use guardsmen than suicidal wave" or "not everyone is heretic and need to be destroyed" among my forces
# Pay orks to make me another life-sustaining device. As long they believe it works, it works - because it's really piss me off that MOST POWERFUL PSYCHIC in the whole space can't keep himself in shape.
# Hire a squad of orks, then order them to loot vehicles of other races - soon the looted-monoliths and looted-mantas will conquer the world
# Pay a visit to Tau, then show them the meaning of old terran saying "better dead than red". Or blue, in that case. Blue-faced reds are enough blasphemy in MY GALAXY
# Promptly remember that the Soviet Union under Stalin was still more benevolent and just than the Imperium in my millennia long bath room break.
## Then remember that the Imperium before said bathroom break was more prone to exterminatus and mass-slaughter and intense atrocities than the grimderp Imperium.
### Well, shit, that's embarassing.
# Get off the damn throne and find something suitable to wipe my own ass ..... ohh look a Grey Knight.
# Lure every furfag to an unused planet using [[Faptau]] and [[Shlicktau]] as bait, then utilize any form of Exterminatus, thus solving the galaxy-wide furfag problem.
##Not those that make themselves useful.
## They'd fuck the [[Felinids]] anyways.
# Send a whole fucking legion of speesh mareeens to Mars and get them to finally clear out all the rogue robots from thousands of years ago living in the catacombs below Mars.
# Realize my mistakes as a father and further realize that my sons have actual emotions and stabbing them in the back/humiliating them/letting those with obvious problems lead legions of dedicated killers might not have been the best idea so I know what to do when I make Primarch Project, Part two.
# Launch a cross dimensional crusade to destroy all [[chakats|CHAKATS]]!
# [[Doctor Who|Hire the Atraxi to blow up a planet, but only give them 19 minutes to do so.]]
# Steal all of Trazyn's artifacts leaving behind a note with kindest regards.
# ENGAGE HIVE MIND IN PHYSIC DUEL
##USE PHYKER-DESTROYING-FINISHING MOVE. RANGE: GALAXY!
##FIX THE REST OF THE PSYKERS IN THE GALAXY, One Howling was bad enough.
##Re-learn how to spell psyker, and psychic. I invented those words, dammit!
# Beat up Khorne while dressed as Slaanesh.
# Bleach memory of having dressed as Slaanesh from brain.
# Rebuild the Avatar of Khaine from the 2 Bajillion Pieces, then lock him and Slaanesh in a cage. Shatter whoever lives into 4 Bajillion Pieces, and hide the 4 Bajillion Pieces with Creed.
# Challenge a Dreadnought to a fist fight.
# Stand on the bow of a Battle Barge and shout "[[Eye of Terror|Fly me closer]], I want to [[Chaos Gods|hit them]] with my sword!"(Destination:Eye of Terror, Targets:Chaos Gods)
# Throw [[Space Wolves]] an [[Ultramarine]] bone; quality family time.
# Play laser tag with [[Lasgun|flashlights]].
# Bring back [[Konrad Curze]], fix his brain, and then get him to explain what he was rambling on about just before he died.
# Clone [[Judge Dredd]] and use said clones to replace the Adeptus Arbites.
# Create a training system for the Imperial Guard so my citizens are more effective than glorified meat shields.
# Create a Chapter of Space Marines made up of only Pariahs just to troll Tzeentch.
# Give some nice relics to the [[Celestial Lions]] to help them rebuild. Inform Inquisitors that a loyal Space Marines chapter complaining about an Exterminatus after the chapter has taken out the actual heretics is no reason to get all pissy. Send the Inquisitors that got all upset about that into a Ork WAAAGHHH! to look for Ork Snipers.
# Replace the Imperial Guard's vehicles after chassis that weren't considered obsolete by World War II in exchange for stuff that's more functional. Also find out why the hell I thought that was a smart idea in the first place.
# Improve ship design so that time and resources aren't wasted putting details on making the sides of the ship look like cathedrals and including over-sized figureheads that serve no practical use.
# Kill Chuck Norris and disprove all the "facts" about him, they have no place in the Imperial Truth.
## He is too manly to simply be worhshipped as a mere "god". He is Chuck Norris.
# Make the Space Wolves to be accompanied by <s>Sabaton</s> Amon Amarth as they play 24/7.
# Make an ironically underpowered Codex: Matt Ward.
# Rewrite the sisters of battle codex. My bitches need some love.
## And some gigantism fun with their Astartes brothers.
# Build a Fucking anti-grav hammerhead baneblade combo.
# Tell [[Dorn]] and [[Perturabo]] to kiss and make up.
# Get my wallet back from the [[blood magpies]].
# Steal [[Ahriman]]'s library card.
# Bring [[Carron]] back, and lock him in a METAL BAWKS as a prison.
# Go to Mars, punch the Void Dragon back to Terra, teleport to Terra and punch it back to Mars. Afterwards go ask the Mechanicus where's their Machine GabeN.
# make a deal with the Hive Mind to eat everything except the Imperium.
## breed giant carnifex to eat the eye of Terror.
## give the jeanstealer some jeans.
## Preferably from Abercrombie and Fitch
# Get my hands on some Ethereal pheromones, then use them to get the Tau to join the Imperium, just as planned. Then sterilize those weebs as a taste of their own medicine.
# Lead a live re enactment of D-Day using guardsmen and cultists.
# Glue my model of Abaddon's arms on, rip the real Abaddon's arms off and proceed to beat him to death with them.
# Resurrect Horus for round 2 and FUCK HIM UP...... More than last time. Oorah.
# Tell Games Workshop that fucking axes aren't unwieldy! Seriously, how are fucking augmented super humans in fucking powered armor in any way slowed by a slightly heavy fucking stick?!
## I mean all the weight of an axe is focused in a pretty hard to control spot by a kinesthetics standpoint unless you want to break your wrist trying to stop a massive weight moving super fast with a relatively small handle. And with them being Space Marines, their axes are fuck hueg but sure, axes are somehow simpler to wield EVEN THOUGH fantasy and sci-fi axes are some of the most bullshit things to be devised. THIS IS WHY THEY USE SWORDS. Also axes are pretty ineffective against armor compared to hammers. Plus ineffective towards spuishies compared to swords. You only use them as a middle ground. But sure, act like you know all about weapons and nerdrage. Ok.
### Ask the person above how GW's butthole tastes.
# Destroy the metaphorical shark so that no franchise can ever jump it again.
# Throw Michael Grade into a woodchipper. Then have the wood chipper dismantled and melted into slag for getting Michael Grade's filth (I.E, any piece of him) on it.
# Learn [[Doctor Who|the Doctor]]'s real name.
# Catch em all.
# Become the King of Games.
## Including [[FATAL]]
# Rip off a Stompa's "Super Scorcha" and use it to make Tyranid toast. Because i'm just so damn hungry after counting the dead bodies.
# Steal skulls from khorne's throne and taunt an'ggrath with them as I teleport back to terra.
# Go to sleep. What? I'm fucking sleepy and I have not had a descent sleep in ages.
# Drop that hole Latin/High Gothic thingy as an official language, seriously WTF was I thinking when naming Adeptus Mechanicus, Astartes and Astra Militarum.
# Make my own animation studio to make adaptations of [[anime]] based on manga that didn't get finished.
# Use profits as part of my ongoing plan to become majority shareholder of Google.
# Put an end to youtube's copyright policy, then find those asshats that put came up with it and make them eat their own bones.
# Watch TV
# Fuck some shit up
# Fuck some sluts up
# Fuck some ca/tg/girls up
# Firebomb /mlp/ Seriously, I dont fucking care about MLP but that board is pure NOPE.
# Get some 'nids and let them rip those fucking PETA douche bags to fucking mincemeat.
# Fuck some more sluts up. Oh yeah.
# Get some Taco Bell.
# Close McDonalds.
# Open Bembos
# Watch the last airbender (Anime series not the fucking m night shyamalan peice of shit).
# Burn the Legend of Whorra.
# Kill M. Night Shyamalan and piss on his corpse
# Make melta explosives that can be fired from missile launchers, I'm sick of having to always get in the enemy's face to use metla weapons.
# Get the internet to shut up about Call of Duty(this does include any other ones as well),.<s>I'm</s>,(No everyone else with a life) is sick of hearing about it.
# Out tank astra with a rhino, because why not?!
# give orks something that can make a loud noise and can finally do shit.
# Release the Kraken and after it has finished destroying the enemies of Mankind, proceed to turn it into calamari.
# Eat pie, I like pie.
# Check progress on Grey Knight attempts to cross-breed Saiyans and Kryptonians for any females.
## Also progress on capturing/persuading Samus Aran to become a new Primarch for female Space Marines. Twice the (wo)manpower!
# Marry said females, that will scare off that [[Strike Legion|scary Empress bitch]].
# Sort out the contradictions in this list. Thing's a fucking mess.
# Commit fraud.
# Disband the Church of Scientology and send all the criminals in it to Guantanamo for crimes against humanity.
# Defeat the Reapers.
## Hi this is Commander Shepard, and GW is my favorite store on the Citadel.
# Get Kaldor Draigo into an intervention because he's hooked on fucking Warp Dust.
# Light my scented candle collection for proper relaxation.
# Collect all Crux Terminus badges so I can put my Golden Armour back together.
# Come up with the most absurd, annoying, head wrenching question I possibly can.
# Ask it repeatedly to that Zathras tool and laugh as his brain explodes.
# Create a giant can of bug spray and use it on all of the Tyranids
# Make Captain Titus Papa Smurf. We need someone who can make decisions without reading the book Rowboat Girlyman wrote 10,000 years ago.
# Steal the blood ravens
# Everyones mother.
# Track down the Timelord known as the Doctor, shake his hand, break his hand, kick his ass, steal the TARDIS and use it for the betterment of the imperium.
# Do some stretching because 10,000 years will give you such a crick in the neck!
# Resurrect Robin Williams for some decent propaganda.
# Drop kick a Hive Tyrant into the sun.
# Order a pizza, because it's been fucking years since I had take away food.
## Maybe order enough for my Custodes. They need some free time too.
# Find a xenos controlled planet, and bomb the fuck out of the filthy xenos scum! Note to self: Orks are probably easiest.
# Astrally visit other space opera universes to see how they do things, then make fun of them.
## Starting with Space Balls
# Find some more things to do.
# Find a living Astral knight,
# Find a cloning device for said Astral Knight,
# Create a Primarch for Astral Knight 2.0.
# Forgive the people of Krieg of their 1000 year old rebellion and tell them to stop being meatshields. Well, bigger meatshields than the guard usually are.
## They can even feel pride for being decent human beings again!
# Make deep strike safer so we don't have to fucking kill all the terminators
# Shoot whoever started the whole 'maetal bawkses' thing. I mean, Jesus, rhinos are elaborate machinery!
# Tell the Orks they're drunk and should go home.
# After collecting all the crux terminatus pieces, sell them on eBay and give all the money to THQ so they can finally fucking make Dark Millennium Online.
# Make warp dust into a smokable drug.
# Tell the Angry Marines to fuck themselves and thus piss them off even more.
# Make the Imperial Guard useful.
# Kill whoever wrote the last entry for extreme heresy.
# Give Commissar Yarrick better stats.
# Slap each and every [[Blood Angel]] for ever siding with or allowing their Battle-brothers to side with Necrons, at any point.
# Do a Word Bearers with said Blood Angels - in front of Guilliman's <s>preserved</s> body.
# Teach all my children's Legions that I made each of them different for a reason. Inform Ultramarines to "think of the next step" if things don't go as planned but tell them it's nothing personal. <s>Do CPR to Guilliman.</s> Already done.
# Give each guardsmen a pair of brass balls to intimidate their enemies/allies with.
# Trazyn was here.
# kill the idiot that didn't actually contribute and instead just signed his name.
# Eldrad was here too.
# CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDD.
# Find and anally rape <s>a Daemonette</s> Slaanesh.
# Take pictures of Schlicktau and give them to Faptau and Vice-versa
# Put a Giant Fleshlight in to a Emperor class Titan just to have another one fuck it/Fuck it himself
# Have a Ultramarine get lost in it.
# Make everyone look at Daemonette Titties for 1 hour a week.
# Install a Slut dispenser into the Golden Throne.
# Have Ultramarines drink alcohol so they are not so fucking boring. They might not be able to get drunk off of it, but that's what the elephant tranquillizer is for.
# Find out where my [[Sisters of Silence|Bitches of Silence]] went.
## How the fuck did Guilliman get them to come out of hiding.
## Girls love smurfs.
# Find the Sanguinor and beat him in a duel.
# Following my inevitable victory against the Sanguinor, find out who the fuck he is and bitch slap him. If he is Sanguinius he deserved it for not announcing himself for who he is and not fixing my <s>crumbling empi</s> <=HERESY. If he is not Sanguinius he gets another bitch slap for impersonating my second favorite son.
# Set the record straight regarding Ollanius Pius.
# Get Jango Fett to lead storm troopers.
## Clone him
## Use his gene-seed to create an army of Bounty Marines
## Get them to assassinate all the assassins
## Get them to assassinate the Assassino ministorum.
## Make them the new Assassino ministorum.
## Do not let him have a son. I don't want to deal with a Sarlacc pit every few years
# Organize the marriage of Miranda Nero and Captain Titus. If they wanted the plot of Space Marine, those two would've ended up getting married.
# On that note, I should allow Space Marines time to copulate with strong females. Would allow for a greater number of compatible gene seed initiates.
# Canonize Robin Willams [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robin_Williams] as a mother fucking Imperial Saint. Why? Because I like to laugh and he makes me feel good. THAT'S WHY!
# Resurrect [[Lord Solar Macharius]] as he seemed like a pretty competent general as well as a tactical genius.
## And heal his War Wounds so he can be fully badass.
# Play Cards Against Humanity.
# Resurrect those dumbass Inquisitors who started a war with the [[Space Wolves]] and then execute them as example for how fucking stupid they were
# By any means necessary get it into the Inquisition's thick skulls that they were wrong for a starting a war with the Space Wolves and apologize for being heartless dumbshits.
# Get some proper aircraft. We fucking need 'em.
# Change the battle doctrine of the Imperial Guard to rely more on air superiority and less on throwing waves of men and tanks the enemy.
# Cure [[Indrick Boreale]] of his speech impediment (and death).
# Find Vulkan
# Give him a hug and the rest of his Chapter too.
# Troll Trazyn the Infinite and steal his everything.
# Build an army of sexy robot waifus that don't need to carry weapons because they everything the need built into them. If some animes and JRPGs can do it then I can do it better. Also make them all lesbians
# Figure out which branch of the Imperium to put the above army into.
# Convince all orks that I'm the most powerful being in the universe and that I can't be killed.
# Include an online tutorial on Games Workshops' website for each game it sells. If it's good enough for Privateer Press and Fantasy Flight Games it's good enough for us.
# Do away with the practice of separating Terminator Squads between ranged and assault. The Dark Angels made the idea work and Terminators don't carry anything that warrants staying at long range as it is.
# Go back to before the Age of Strife and steal/reclaim all the the lost [[Standard Template Construct| STCs]], and whole Forge Worlds if necessary.
# Mass produce skimmer [[Fellblade| felblades]].
# Destroy all overused [[meme| memes]].
# Help the [[Necrons| 'crons]] reach their apotheosis thing, and then have the Angry Marines Cock nob 'em so they don't fuck with my Imperium.
# Get those two [[Sisters of Battle]] to confess to each other already. Seriously. I'm tired of them acting awkward and shy around each other when they are clearly in love.
# Install a speech device on the golden throne, just incase I need to fix the Imperium's fuckups if i fall asleep on the job again.
# Snort some warp dust.
# Stop the custodians from oiling themselves up and actually do somthing fucking useful
## How did Girlyman get them to do something.
# Give the Ultramarines a new role, as dog sitters for the Space Wolves.
## Correction: The Space Corgis
# Give the Dreadknight pilots a badass helmet or something so snipers don't destroy them
## Fuck, just make them tall Centurions at this point. Would be more effective than the stilts they are now.
# Go into the Rock and either bitchslap Luther or the Lion depending on who the Watchers in the Dark tattle on
# Upgrade all Imperial [[Titans]] so they can fly
# Find out what Watchers in the Dark actually look like under their robes.
# Find out what [[Angels Sanguine]] faces look like under their helmets. Bitch slap them - in the face (if it is actually possible). Every single one of them.
# Resurrect Relic, and ensure that they make the rest of the Space Marine Series, Titus deserves to be a motherfucking Primarch
# Make it imperial law that at least once a year every guardsman in the universe is allowed one free beer for the shit they do, hopefully that should prevent their temptation to go heretic on my arse
# Also, make a chain sword, sword chain to literally whip the imperium back into shape.
# Hold the Primarch of the year awards ceremony again, hopefully Horus can stay away this time.
# Prevent the victory of Chaos in [[The End Times]] so that Games Workshop has to advance the story instead of pulling a shit reboot that changes nothing
## Expect making Ground Marines and changing race names for no reason.
## Fuck you Mannfred.
# <s>Declare non-furry aliens that can interbreed with humans and have fertile off-spring close enough to being humans</s>{{BLAM}}
## So [[Love Can Bloom]] is a thing then. Well then my Webway for Eldar hookers isn't a lost cause then!
# Get better cooperation the Imperial Navy and Imperial Guard. I lose far too many brave gaurdsmen because the navy's incompetence leaves them without air support!
## COMBINED ARMS PEOPLE, THIS IS WHY WE HAVE MANUALS.
# <s>bring back the squats</s>{{BLAM}} {{BLAM|kill ALL the xenos!}}
## And bring the Demiurg too.
# Demote [[Commander Kubrik Chenkov]] because that idiot isn't fit to lead a parade, and put him in some random platoon that's never heard of him where he might actually kill more enemies than guardsmen.
# <s>Grab those Eldar and tau plasma weapons. I am not letting highly explosive weapons to stay in use. Seriously, It is like playing Russian Roulette with a [[Exterminatus]]</s>not needed anymore as the mechanicus had finally repaired it so that said russian roulette will only happen if the user overcharges the gun
## Also, get the laser rifles. NO. MOAAAR. FASHLIGGHTSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!
# Pat the Black Dragons on the back for putting up with all the shit that's thrown at them.
# Buy out Google and enforce Fair Use on Youtube with an iron fist.
# Berate the Adeptus Custodus for not preventing Goge Vandire's rise to power. Lazy fucks being lazy led to the worst thing for mankind since the Horus Heresy.
## Although considering they would much rather oil themselves, I'm guessing Vandire just bribed them with super lubricant.
# Steal a World Engine and start destroying Daemon Worlds with it.
# Have a backup plan for destroying Daemon Worlds if the World Engine can't do that.
# Finally defeat Leman Russ in an eating contest and a drinking contest.
# Find the Black Library and empty its contents. Then wreck it.
# Bring Ahriman to it and then trick him into thinking that the Black Library was just an elaborate hoax to troll him.
# Punish the Grey Knights for turning on the Space Wolves and not chopping the heads off those dumbass Inquisitors who decided the appropriate response to the Space Wolves wanting to spare the survivors of the Armageddon War was to try and kill them.
# Macha. Should. Be. FUCKED.
# Stop this whole "treating beastmen like mutants" thing. I did make them CITIZENS for a reason.
## I mean,they look better than all the gaunt, Necron looking women in the Imperium. I need a release too.
## <s>You know what? Furries are citizens too, so no more of this "furfaggotry" bullshit. I'd like you to show me something that could track a fucking mouse in a blizzard. Other than a space wolf.</s> {{BLAM}} EXTRA FUCKING HERESY YOU FUCKING FURFAG!
## A Felinid. We made them citizens so the others won't have bullshit arguments like this to be welcomed in.
## Bottle said tear, and give it to Girlyman. Then he might actually man up.
# Mix Speed, weed, heroin, cocaine, mushrooms, LSD, tobacco, pine-o-clean, petrol, diesel, battery acid, acid, salvia, some herbs and spices, some lettuce and tomato, some salt and vinegar, noodles, pretzels, pork scratchings, some doner kebab, vodka sauce, tabasco sauce, bam and the dirt is gone, red bull, Coca-Cola, Ajax spray and wipe, liquid hydrogen, protein shakes, some chicken and cheese, hash browns, jalapeno peppers, curry and wrap it all in a tortilla.
## Eat it.
## Make Leman Russ eat it.
## Make the hive mind eat it.
## Make Doomrider eat it. Laugh as his lightweight head explodes.
# Schola Progenium harem anime
## Starring [[Lucius the Eternal]]
# Visit that planet where I keep all of my pets. THEY BUILT A CITY!?
# Rematch the Void Dragon at that fight. Have the mechanicus duff all the others up.
# Get the mechanicus to make me an amp and a massive fucking pair of speakers, then attach them to a Baneblade, then plug in my holy guitar and shred so hard I make the Ordinatus Mars look like a disappointing fart.
# Bring back Warhammer Fantasy.
# Bring Horus back to life and kill him again.
# Find Mortarion and give him a bath.
# Find where those 100 Baneblades went...
# Have AdMec convert an Imperator Titan into my new power armor.
# Release an edict as to which order the gifts go in the song "The Twelve days of the feast of My ascension".
# Get Games Workshops to put free digital copies of all out of date codexes and army books on their website so fans of old books can still read them.
# Drain Khorn's blood lake, then eat his khorn flakes while watching sitting in his throne and watching something noblebright.
# Give Nurgle's garden a good spring cleaning, then perma-pork Isha.
# Delete Slaanesh's porn collection, then replace her crack with sugar.
## Also, create a extra strength anti-viagra and mix it in with the sugar.
## And whatever is the opposite of laxatives and mix that in with the sugar too.
# Ghostbust Tzeench's tower, then [[Blood Ravens|steal]] his change.
# If I have time, kill Khorn with kindness, kill Slaanesh with boredom, kill Nurgle with Mr. Clean, and kill Tzeench with Warhammer 40k's plot progression.
# Housebreak the [[Space Wolves|space corgis]].
# Make carnifex choke on a [[Ultramarines|smurf]] see what color it turns.
# Make a Warhammer fighting game
# Punch [[Lorgar]] in the face.
## Make him fuck the Lectio Divinitatus with sandpaper pages.
# <s>Punch the fucker who Blam'd me when I made numbers 441 and 443</s>{{BLAM}}
# {{BLAM}} a commissar cause it'll be funny
# Steal one of those [[Necron]] pylons and put them on Terra so that I no longer have to keep trying to not let it become a new Eye of Terror.
# <s>Make skub usage mandatory for all guardsmen</s>{{BLAM}}
# Catch all the C'tan shards and become the very best, the best that ever was.
# Give the Orks their home-world back. Those damn toaster fuckers on mars had no right to teleport it away and it turn it into Armageddon.
# Walk into [[Commorragh]], out troll and out dick [[Asdrubael Vect]], then bitch slap him to death in front of everyone in Commorragh.
## Then fuck [[Lelith Hesperax]] to death before I leave.
# Point out to AdMec that their statement that all technology already exists logically renders innovation impossible, as any attempt would only reproduce something that already exits. Secondly, some STC technology would be otherwise lost permanently. How's that for Divine Inspiration from the Omnissiah.
# Keep sending [[Kor'Sarro Khan]] to fight the Space Communists.
## <s>make sure he and Shadowsun get it on.</s>{{BLAM}} {{BLAM|Heresy!}}
## PROFIT.
# Kill all the Inquisitors who think it's a good idea to kill all [[Astropath|Astropaths]] and [[Navigator|Navigators]] (who we need to stop the Imperium falling apart), and [[Space Marines]] (because they are fucking awesome)
# Kill all the Inquisitors who thought that me dying and reincarnating into someone else was a good idea.
# Build a gun with enough [[Dakka]].
## Show it to the Orks.
## Let them fire at me til they run out of ammo.
## Laugh
## Show the Orks a gun with more than enough Dakka, and blast the shit out of them.
# Kill [[Lucius|Lucius the Eternal]] for good, as he can't possess me.
## Then resurrect everyone who got possessed, kill any Xenos and Chaos Worshippers who killed him, and bro fist anyone from the Imperium who killed him for being able to kill him.
# Dance, just do a little dance, I was stuck in a chair for 10000 years, it would feel good to move.
# Give the Lamenters a hug, they need it.
# Find out what the Blood R- chapter is from the bananastodes.
## And play the holo-game Dawn of War. I hear it's worth playing.
# Play Stellaris as Xenophobic/Militant Humans to see what the Great Crusade could have been.
# Make a Primarch out of the Commander of X-COM because he is far more competent than anyone in the Imperium.
# Attend Angelos' and Macha's wedding.
## And them promptly allow Eldrad to fuck shit up.
# Give my Caretaker Kitten pay since he doesn't get any
## Then send him to get tea
## And Carnifex crumpets
# Keep an eye on Rowboat Girlyman's waifu.
## Fuck, how many Primarchs, Space Marines, and Chapter masters have girlfriends now? Even if there isn't an actual connection?
## Keep an eye on the shippers.
### But don't read the fanfics.
# Cut off Faptau and Shlichtau hands.
# Eat a meatbread
# Rub some skrub on me bones, yarr.
# Work out that crick in my lower back.
# Go to Emprah Burger and get an Empy meal.
# Go back in time to finish the webway project and get Eldar prostitutes for myself and my sons. That should stop them from bitching constantly.
# Punch all the [[Marines Malevolent]] for being such dicks.
# Thank the [[Lamenters]] for getting shit done.
# Bitch-slap Guilliman for being a douchebag smurf.
# Bitch-slap the rest of the Ultratwats.
# Have my daily time with adorable centurion.
# Yell at the Inquisition and Grey Knights for thinking the Dark Angels are heretics.
# Officially rename the Primaris Primarysues.
# Drink ten pots of esspresso. Seriously, sitting stationary for about eleven millenia makes you need energy.
# Convince Ynnead to bring Sanguinius back to life. Then make him lord-commander of the Imperium.
# Make the battle cry of all gaurdsmen under twenty to be "For de Imperwium, oh fuck I dwopped my bwanket".
# Congratulate [[Dante]]
# Find out if Dante is who [[Sanguinius]] was talking about in his scrolls.
# Go get Magnymagic.
## Then screw him over in a game of Magic The Gathering with a mono-green deck.
## Subsequently keep screwing him over by psychically rigging every game.
# Find our who the fuck let Goge Vandire rule the Imperium and dickslap them.
# put a warp drive into a rhino and fly into the eye of terror, screaming MEATLE BAWKSERS because why the fuck not.
# Make Sly Marbo the ruler of the imperium because I need to catch up on shit that I missed while sitting on a motherfucking mechanical toilet for the the 10,000 fucking years!
# Tell mortaring to have a bath.
# Tell Abaddon to Grow a pair (of arms).
# Decide if traps are gay or not.
# Go digging through the ruins of Old Earth and find some tank designs from late M2/early M3.
# Figure out if Sly Marbo can talk.
## Or make any vocalizations other than "AAAAAAAAA," for that matter.
# I don't know, maybe get some tacos again
# Read this big fuck off list.
# Remove the numbers from the list, because it is supposed to be in no particular order
# Find the surviving Flame Falcons and help them rebuild. Then mind-fuck the inquisitor who declared them traitors.
# Steal a spacehulk, then take said spacehulk and pimp the fuck out of it.
## And after that is done, ram it in to that shit hole commorragh.
## But make sure to steal the drugs first before i do that.
# Assign entire regiments worth of sisters to every veteran regiment in the empire, those guardsmen need some lovin, and fire support.
## Name said sisters "whores of battle" and make them wear white robes, all for morale of course totally not to start filiming some hot guard on sister action.
### Which has nothing to do with sending a bunch of men-starved women to fight beside ''the'' most manly, courageous, manly, hardcore manly badasses in all of human existence.
# Figure out how to reverse entropy.
# Resurrect lieutenant Kage and bitch slap the daemon out of him, Then put him under Colonel Schaeffer again he's still got a Me damned job to do, Kage had figured it all out in the end also Resurrect lorii and make her a sister of battle.
# Carve a dick onto Guilliman's Helmet.
# Give Archmagos Cawl Tenure for actually being intelligent enough to improve the astartes design.
# Make an extermination service for Tyranids.
# Turn every First Founding chapter into a legion again.
# Simultaneously whip and nae nae
#Challenge Gork and Mork to a boxing match
#Catch up on some reading
#Resurrect Father Uriah and admit that I was a bit of a dick. Unless he has gotten up to some chaosy bullshit in the past 10,500 years, have a theology discussion with him after all we've both learned and see if he might make a better Ecclesiarch than the current bunch.
#find my power claw, and use it to fight yarrick in a one on one claw battle
##and after that resurrect fucking horus for a rematch
#make a search engine for this fucking list, because god damn is this shit long! How the fuck am I suppose to know what has and Hasin't been written down?!?!
#N.B: Find out what happened to my massive, uber awesome, Imperator Sonninum flagship. It is essential for the Great Crusade to begin anew
#Get therapy for my multiple personality disorder that is obviously the cause of the countless contradictions in this list
#Teach the [[Black Templars]] to not going around killing psykers, because the Imperium needs those to function.
##Make a point of emphasizing that other mutants are also not to be killed, unless they are traitors. Being a mutant doesn't count as treason.
#make the imperial palace daemon proof
##look, this isn't what he said (I'm but a lowly custodian), BUT COME ON! Do you know how hard it is to write down this FUCKING arse list while also protecting the emperor from, oh it don't know, daemons, crazed religious nutters, the occasional savage ork infestation of the lower levels, retired tech priests, and don't get me stated on those trice damned inquisitors who think the inter galaxy revolves around them! So in conclusion, fuck daemons, fuck nutters, fuck orks, fuck edgy tech nerds, and trice fuck inquisitors. Thank you.
#Outslap [[Marneus Calgar]]
#Put a limiter on [[Jaghatai Khan's]] gearbox to teach him the virtue of patience and show him what it feels like to try and drive anywhere on Terra (slow as fuck).
#Make sure evey single person in the Imperium knows about the [[Gray Knights]] and all they did in the past, that will teach them to kill loyal guardsmen for knowing of their existence.
##Then laugh as the [[Gray Knights]] slaughter thousands, thus making them more infamous.
#learn how to make attack helicopters, and no it's not so I can identify as one.
##Have all commissars shot guardsmen on site who honestly identify as an attack helicopter.
#Give Belisarius Cawl a promotion and a pat on the back for doing what the mechanicum is actually supposed to do.
#Eat some steak because I don’t want to just eat fucking comfort food and Carnifexes.
##See if cows still exist, along with pigs because bacon.
#Resurrect Elon Musk and make him Fabricator General of Mars.
#Have masterkey shotguns and M203 Grenade Launchers be standard issue for all lasguns. The Astra Militarum needs some fucking tactical flexibility.
##Give guardsmen sidearms because officers and Commissars shouldn’t be the only ones to have sidearms.
#Shove Erebus up Lorgar’s ass.
#Make those lore-video makers on YouTube be the official archivists of the Administratum. Maybe then the record keeping in the Imperium wouldn’t be so fucking spotty.
#Invite my sons over for a family dinner...may get a bit awkward between a few of them and I will need to prepare for a few holes in the wall, bolter rounds flying, chaos demons, angry Space Marines, and Vulkan bringing his jello mold he dyed [[Salamanders]] green.
#Give magnus a hug and tell him, he was a terrible son
#get 3 full legendary sets in warhammer 40k space wolf.
#play some Dawn of war 3
#Fuck everyone in the hole universe, so slanesh gets so strong that he destroys all other chaos Gods.
##????
###HOLY SHIT WHAT IS YODA DOING HERE!!!
####????????????????????????
#####VERY, VERY, VERY MUCH PROFIT
######??????????
#######?????????????????
########nope.
#Make a giant, universe - wide orgy.
#Forgive all my sons or create new sons so that I may recreate my Grand Crusade
##Make myself a god that I may stop the spread of Chaos, by becoing Chaos.
#Somehow create warpstorms inside the warp.
#Beat Nurgle in a Chilli Cook Off
##Hope he does just kill the judges
###Free the Eldar God from his Garden
####Bang Eldar God I freed from Nurgle's Garden

== Gathering Storm Special List ==
Holy shit, [[Games Workshop]] are actually doing some plot development for 40k. Okay, I'll make a special list just for anything that happens there.

# Get [[Ynnead]] to wake up fully so I have someone new to bitch-slap, but let him screw over [[Slaanesh]] first if I haven't already done it, as my time is to important to waste. Besides, the [[Eldar]] created Slaanesh, so let's give them a chance to sort it out.
## Actually make a deal with him, resurrect me or people I like if I need it (or can't be bothered to do it myself) and I won't bitchslap you.
# So [[Roboute Guilliman]] and some dude named [[Belisarius Cawl]] are creating some [[Primaris Marines|Neo-Space Marines]]. Okay, I'll see what they come up with, then make something even better.
## And definitely think of a better name than Primaris Marines.
###And tell Cawl to stop naming things after himself.
## And while I'm at it, make a super version of the Custodes, and give them even more bling.
# The [[Imperium]] has been cut in half by a massive warp storm. Okay, now I'm really pissed off. I am so going to close this.
## And the [[Eye of Terror]] has gotten bigger and enveloped Cadia. This both pisses me off and makes several points on the main list harder.
# So now [[Armageddon]] has been assaulted by a fuckton of [[Khorne]] [[daemons]]. I do hope the [[Orks]] and daemons kill each other, because it will be a pain in the ass for me to sort out.
# So [[Imotekh the Stormlord|Imotekh the Stormlord's]] empire just got a whole lot bigger, huh. Well at least the [[Tau]] has something new to fight. And the rest of them better not try anything with me, or I'll bitchslap them to death.
## And they won't be reanimating from that.
# Xenos are taking a back seat, and the focus is on the Imperium vs Chaos. Okay, I'm cool with that. Chaos really pisses me off.
## But I'm still gonna fuck over any xeno that pisses me off.
# Now that stats go above 10, I'm going to make a gun with Strength that's over 9000.
## My dick's Strength is over 9000. Just sayin.
# Set the Damocles Gulf back of fire. That was fucking awesome.
# Bitchslap the Tau's Fifth Sphere Expansion. I don't like those blue skinned motherfuckers.
## If possible, team up with the Farsight Enclaves to bitch slap the rest of the Tau.
#Four new Hive Fleets has appeared. But one of them is eating the others. Okay, see who wins, then stomp the survivors to death.
# Wait, is there really a chance the [[Sanguinius]] will return. Well if he does I'll make him tell me where he's been and what's he been up to for the past 10,000 years, on pain of bitchslapping.
## Same goes for any of the [[Primarchs]] that return.
#So [[Nurgle]] thinks he can take [[Ultramar]] for himself. Not cool. I'll going to punch the shit off him, the beat the crap out of him.
#[[Tzeentch]] is messing things up as well. I wonder, should I beat him intellectually or physically.
##Maybe punch him in the face then steal his books? He is a massive fucking nerd after all.
#How did [[Khorne]] attack [[Terra]]. He attacked my pad. As soon as I can, I'm going to find him, outrage him, then kick him in the balls so hard they explode.
##Also steal his throne.
##Then have the throne converted into golden skull decor for shits and giggles.
#Tell the AdMech that it time to start using some innovation. And reveal what secrets they've been keeping.

#Make the watchers in the dark imperial citizens and other loyal xenos loyal to the imperium I know I sanction there xeno race more than 10,000 years ago and there still keeping up a good fight
Give the surviveing men of iron a pardon produce them in limited quantities of them for the navy so we don,t use more survitors or poor indentured people from serving on navy ships instead make the, crew men and build more ships so we can solve a man power crisis will only convert people to survitors that actually deserve it.
# Instead of legion thing I’ll just do a bragged of five to ten chapters each because supreme smurf does have a point.

# tell the imperal commanders and Guilliman wait to go for finely giving my guardsmen air support by giving the guard air support under there control
#make alternatives for Titans for the guard to use know just the thing mobile suits from a thing I watch
#make sure all guardsmen get even better equipment
# give Koorland slaughter a eulogy That is fitting how awesome he was because that guy was a real life action hero and probably one greatest of them all and build a statue and also while I’m add it add and imperium hall of fame yeah because the imperium needs a hall of awesome
# confirm lord Dante,s appointment
#congratulate Dorn for building the web way project that I plan
#make the offico assianorium and the Adeptus Mechanicus have and American football game for a replica of the golden cog it will be play yearly
#make an anime esque series of the war of the beast with the openings being butterfly kiss rave master and change for the the imperium I love the second opening the second opening will be muv luv alternative opening and will be the imperium I love and the third opening will be the meaning of truth from f zero legend and the forth opening will be the tsukate mad o tsukeute kudasa will be the fifth opening and for the opening will be must be something form legend of the galactic heroes it is going to 125 episode ona that is more ambitious than the legend of the galactic heroes