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Trazyn the Infinite

2021-11-15T04:45:06Z

2601:449:8280:2630:98A6:8027:1751:4353: /* Ever-increasing Trazyn's aliases List */

{{MattWard}}
{{Awesome}}
{{Heresy}}
[[File:Trazyn.jpg|300px|right|thumb|He's come to steal your shit! (Probably literally, if it's rare enough) And if you're (un)lucky, he might even steal you.]]
{{topquote|I welcome all... to a place in my carefully curated collection!|The kleptomaniac himself, presenting the Necron faction in Battlefleet Gothic Armada 2}}
{{topquote|I give my all to all I see, see? And all I see I give to me!|Huxley, Sesame Street villain}}
{{topquote|What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine too!|Repo Man, WWF wrestler}}
{{topquote|Greetings, [[Orikan the Diviner|Orikan]]! I apologise for having to borrow back my astrarium. I know how deeply you appreciated it, but you work too hard, my astromancer. Consider this a relaxing break. And what is more relaxing than a hunt? These creatures are from an [[Catachan|Imperial jungle planet]], and so famous that [[Catachan Jungle Fighters|the locals]] named their local regiment after them. Highly venomous - not that it would bother you, dear colleague - and can grow to over fifteen ''khut'' long when they reach maturity. But the real challenge is how quick they breed. In fact, I would recommend you start the pursuit quickly. Fourteen juveniles were in this particular gift. Or was it sixteen? Anyway, within twelve hours the population will have established roving kin groups to place their eggs. Did I forget to mention the eggs? Half of the breeding pairs already have sacs. The population will double in less than twenty-four hours, provided they don't eat too many of the young. Happy hunting!|A letter written by Trazyn to Orikan after stealing an ancient artifact from him}}

'''Trazyn the Infinite''', also known as '''Trollzyn the [[Tarpit]] Breaker''' and '''Trazyn the Grave Robber''', or Possibly Trazyn the shiny Stealer, is the best [[Necron]] Overlord/Phaeron (while ''technically'' his title is Overlord, he has his own Overlord subordinates and rules his own little empire like Phaeron). Basically what you'll get if you combined Doctor Doom, a [[Tomb King]], a [[Blood Ravens|Bloody Magpie]] and the Terminator, with a hint of Captain Jack Sparrow.

Trazyn the Infinite, ruler of the [[Tomb World]] named Solemnace (which happens to be a Dyson Sphere powered by a [[C'tan]]), is a self-proclaimed preserver of histories, artifacts and events. In his possession are technologies and relics that are so valuable as to be priceless. Amongst his collection are the fabled wraithbone choir of Altansar, one of the preserved heads of [[Sebastian Thor]], the ossified husk of an Enslaver and a suit of baroque power armour, complete with the Custodes who was still wearing it. This means that he is one of only two entities in this or any other universe that rivals the stealing power of the [[Blood Ravens]] (the other being the Deffskullz.) In such a dangerous galaxy, Trazyn is loath to go out and explore it himself, but with so many exquisite artifacts to see and catalogue, he cannot afford to miss out. As a result he will send out substitutes of himself to do his dirty work. On the battlefield this can become increasingly irritating, as killing what appears to be Trazyn may simply be a [[Lychguard]] or a Necron Lord. Meanwhile, somewhere nearby, the real Trazyn is busy smashing his way through his foes to get his metal hands on his latest acquisition.

(That's how the fluff handled it; the crunch rules imply (and the fluff now confirms) that he simply takes over the body of another Lord, Lychguard, [[Cryptek]], or whatever else is left in the vicinity. He was there; you killed him; he just ran like the troll he is. [[Butthurt|Oh, and you didn't]] [[Alpha Legion|get Slay The Warlord by the way.]] <s>Just imagine this guy politely trolling with the voice of Terl from Battlefield Earth</s> he has a voice actor now via [[Battlefleet Gothic: Armada II]], [[Lulz|who actually sounds like a mechanical version of Terl]] (though he isn't voiced by John Travolta): "Oh, dear! What a wonderful contingent of [[Imperial Guard|Imperial Guardsmen!]] I shall thank you with all my heart, General, for this marvelous gift. Please tell them to strike a nice pose while I prepare a stasis grenade...")

/tg/ has gained a fondness for him, due to his thieving ways, his Doctor Doom-esque body doubles, and his polite yet [[Troll|trollish]] attitude, he is also known for using completely self-evident aliases, which nevertheless seem to work quite well. It is generally agreed that he is one of the only good things Matt Ward has ''ever'' put into the [[fluff]].

A war-torn city in the [[Ultramar]] system. The [[Ultramarines]], aided by an [[Imperial Guard]] regiment led by Lord Castellan Ursakar [[Creed]], prepare to face an [[Ork]] incursion in a final battle. The Orks are numerous, but the [[Imperium]] has the upper hand, just barely, as Lord Creed's tactical genius has proven invaluable. As the Orks begin their final assault on the city, the Ultramarines ready their defenses. Creed, ever oddly silent, gazes intently at a large flagpole in the center of town, watching through binocs as the Orks' charge is funneled towards the center of the city. Suddenly, as the Orks near the square, the tip of a [[Baneblade]]'s main gun can be seen coming around the flagpole. The great tank begins to emerge from behind the thin metal object, perfectly and impossibly concealed. It begins to move into its firing arc, and a great shout is heard from the [[Warboss]] down below, just barely carrying over the rest of the din. "'''CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-'''" Suddenly, the cry cuts off in confusion, as Creed spits out his cigar. Where the Baneblade once stood, there is air, thin air. Not a trace remains of the enormous tank. It has vanished completely. Then, gradually, a green, crackling, electrical rune appears hanging in the air where the Baneblade was. It extends gracefully, for its platonic geometric form. If Creed was given to poetry, he might even say it resembled a rose. But he knew better. A rage he had felt only once before began to boil deep within, and his cry shook the world as the Orkish tide began to hack his guardsmen and the Marines to pieces. "'''TRAAAAAAAAAAAAZYYYYYYYYN!'''"

==From [[Matt Ward|Ward]] Himself==
"[[Bullshit|Trazyn's also no slouch in combat.]] Whenever his empathic obliterator kills an enemy, it has a chance to kill all other enemies of the same type in the same combat - perfect for Ork mobs. This isn't so useful against characters, but that's why Trazyn also carries a clutch of mindshackle scarabs - why kill an enemy when you can take over his mind and have him kill for you...?"oh wait nope, mss are now just a useful fear test. So now the only real use you'll find for him in a duel is whacking them with a stick.

==Letter to Inquisitor Valeria==
This is the (in)famous little piece of fluff that has made Trazyn so likable to /tg/, contrasting nicely with all the grim darkness around. Do note that it is unclear whether he's fucking nuts, indulging in some elaborate trolling or even both at once.

''Dear Lady, let me express my fulsome appreciation for your most generous gift. It is so very rare to discover another of my own kind that appreciates my work, therefore to find understanding amongst a member of another race is nothing short of a revelation. I realise that you briefly trod my galleries, but the fact that you spotted in so short a time that my Acabrius War collection was lacking three regiments of Catachan warriors reveals that you truly have a collector's eye for detail. And to send five regiments! Such generosity will allow me to weed out and replace a few of the more substandard pieces in my collection. If I might level a minor criticism, the instructions issued to your gift were manifestly not as clear as you thought, as most of them had to be forcibly restrained. Sadly it seems that the lower orders will always behave like an army of invasion, whether that be their purpose or not. However, this is a minor complaint and seems almost churlish under the circumstances, so please allow me to repay your gift with one of my own. Accompanying this message is the Hyperstone Maze, one of a series of Tesseract Labyrinths constructed at the height of the Charnovokh Dynasty. It is a trinket really, only of interest to scholars such as you and I, but I trust you will find it amusing; assuming you have the wit to escape its clutches, of course.''

It should be noted that an Inquisitor can actually use a Tesseract as a relic.

==The Infinite List of Dickings==
[[File:Trazyn2.jpg|200px|right|thumb|Daww]]
Trazyn is universally regarded as a <strike>[[Eldrad|huge dick]]</strike> pretty fun guy to be around due to his <strike>[[Blood Ravens|rampant kleptomania]]</strike> erudition and wit. Here is a list of his <strike>crimes</strike> many-splendored accomplishments, compiled for the <strike>warning</strike> edification of /tg/.

* Killed five invading regiments of Catachans, then turned them into [[Wargame|miniatures for his collection.]]
** Sent [[Inquisitor Valeria]] fan mail (maybe, we can't tell if he was being sarcastic in the letter) attached to an armed tesseract labyrinth [[Blood Ravens|as a reward for "gifting" him said Catachan regiments.]] Being a true gentleman, when Valeria managed to unravel said tesseract labyrinth and use it 'safely', he took it with good grace and they became pen pals of sorts... [[Grimdark|But since no good deed stays unpunished]], as of Fall of Cadia Trazyn has revealed that while Valeria became his human waifu for some time she eventually got [[blam|BLAM'med]] for consorting with xenos, hence why he releases Greyfax the Angery instead of getting Valeria to tag along (Just as planned? How about Tau start summoning daemons for battle? <strike>And maybe Orks start building their own webway</strike>They already did it using superior gravitational corridors which don't need the warp during the War of the Beast.)
* Banned from the Necron throne world of Mandragora after trying to [[Ork|loot]] [[Imotekh the Stormlord|Imotekh's]] staff.
** [[Internet_Troll|Pops in whenever he feels like it anyway.]]
* Stole Sebastian Thor's [[wat|head]]. Maybe (There's like five other museums claiming to have his skeleton; the only reason Trazyn stands out is because his Thor head is preserved in a jar, rather than a skull).
* Took the World Spirit Shrine of Carnac, an [[Exodite]] world as a trophy for helping to conquer it.
* Uses other Necron Lords as body doubles [[Internet_Troll|without telling them.]]
* Told the [[Ultramarines|greatest amongst us all]] he was old pals with [[Roboute Guilliman|Rowboat Girlyman.]] Considering that one of the pokeballs he unleashed against Chaos at the Fall of Cadia was a bunch of Ultramarines fresh from the [[Great Scouring|aftermath of the Horus Heresy]], he might be telling the truth ("old pals" by his definition, of course).
** And then informed them that maybe [[Internet_Troll|he was going to take Papa Smurf, as he'd be better off with him than in the company of the Ultramarines.]]
*** And with Rowboat coming back, [[Yvraine|somehow]], for 40k End Times, we might actually get to see how the two know each other. If they actually do. There's every possibility that [[troll|Trollzyn was just lying]].
* <s>Has a fucking PRIMARCH stored at his pad, supposedly... Possibly Vulkan according to White Dwarf.</s> Technically it's a Primarch clone, but it's still a perfect copy of the pre-Heresy Fulgrim, courtesy of [[Fabius Bile]].
*Told [[Vulkan He'stan]] he had the Song of Entropy, luring the Salamanders into a 10-year war with the Necrons. At the end of it, Trazyn pretty much said "just kidding, I don't have the Song of Entropy," as he tried to steal the Spear of Vulkan. Kind of back fired when [[Vulkan He'stan]] decided to just give him the Spear. ''Tip'' first. He'stan was pretty pissed when he learned Trazyn just jumped into another body.
** Twice.
*Invaded the Imperial planet of Midgardia and nabbed a C'tan shard of Nyadra'zatha, despite [[Logan Grimnar]]'s attempts to stop him. It's notable that he pulled this off in Logan's own codex supplement, where most other battles in the book were a resounding Space Wolf victory. To be fair, Space Wolves destroying (and thus accidentally freeing) a C'tan shard would make them look like an assholes. I mean even more assholes than they already are.
**In retribution, Logan hunted him down to another planet, Vhaloth IV, and ended up kicking Imotekh's ass instead. ([[Just As Planned]]. The dick deserved it for hanging on to his staff anyway.)
* Captured an Ork warboss and the Deathwatch kill team that was hunting said warboss, and sat them in front of each other in his collection for all eternity. And he double-checked they were both still self-aware, just to feel them suffer.
* Caught a bunch of tech priests evacuating from the necron invasion of Magogue, and set them up in stasis as a monument to that planet's fall. Notable because he pulled it off in the Skitarii codex. Trazyn's apparently the go-to guy for being able to win outside of his own codex.
* May or may not be the one pulling the strings behind the events of [[Xenology]], as probably he won't have any problems impersonating a C'tan shard.
* Has been hanging out on Cadia for who knows how long as the "man of iron" which all but confirms the pylons are necrons made.
* <strike>Steals Creed himself after the fall of Cadia.</strike> Blundered into allowing Creed to infiltrate his collection.
* Steals Papa Smurfs' (The Ultramarine bloke that can't spell Robert properly) pillow from his lumber.
* Stole an Emperor's Children's gene-seed tithe ship containing thousands of progenoids.
* Traded it for the only perfect clone of [[Fulgrim]], thus dashing the only hope of the Third Legion rebuilding itself and becoming more than a bunch of depraved sick fucks.
* Planning to add to his collection all the stuff from [[Battlefleet Gothic: Armada II]], World Engine and Hiveships included!
* Has an agent in Middle Earth Shadow of War called the Trophy Hunter. How he got there is beyond this anon's mental capabilities
* Frees an AdMech Magos and a pair of Sororitas in the short story War in the Museum to deal with an escaped Lictor and Hive Tyrant. The Sororitas were supposed to be biological sisters frozen in their last moments fighting Tyranids, but one sister was dead and [[Grimdark|used as spare parts to fix up her surviving sister]]; the other Sororitas was a stand-in taken from Goge Vandire's Brides of the Emperor (the precursor of the SoB). Trazyn goes so far as to swear on his honor he will reunite them with their Lord and not put them back in the same exhibit if they accomplish their task. True to his word, he puts them in a different exhibit...facing another called 'The Beheading of Goge Vandire'. Oddly enough, Trazyn considers the magos as something of a friend and even sends the AdMech research packets on his behalf, and decided to keep the Magos in stasis with full awareness at the Magos's request. Seems he prefers to perform his computing in peace and quiet and does not mind being part of Trazyn's collection.
* Stole [[Gorkamorka]] for his Angelis display. From The Infinite and The Divine "Trukks and buggies howled corkscrews across the display, ripping across the desert shanty town built around the enormous idol of Gork – or Mork.
* Played a practical joke on [[Orikan the Diviner]] by unleashing a genestealer on him.
** Said genestealer survived the encounter and went on to infect and raise a cult on the planet which attacked a visiting naval battlegroup [[grimdark|leading to the planet being exterminatused]].
* Played another practical joke on [[Orikan the Diviner]] by unleashing a brood of catachan devils on him.
* [https://regimental-standard.com/2021/03/10/flawless-crisis-instructions-for-humans/ Briefly stole control of the Regimental Standard] in an attempt to trick Guardsmen into making themselves easier to collect.
[[File:Bfg-2-trazyn.jpg|800px|center|thumb|A man of culture always enjoys a tour for his collection...]]

==Things on Trazyn's 'Must Have' List (and how to get some of them, perhaps.) (He denies having them so far, but you can never be sure without going to check...)==
[[File:TrazynAndDiomedes.jpg|thumb|right|300px|There can only be one true magpie.]]
* The lost master molds for Cursed City
* Old One Eye's lost eye (Hire Bile to vatgrow it)
* Kartoth the Bloodhunger, both so he can say he won the game as well as rip holes to go back in time for more collecting.
* [[Abaddon]]. No, really, that's (one of) the reason(s) he came to Cadia in the first place: he wants to add the Warmaster of Chaos to his collection! (Last seen near Vigilus, should team up with the Ultramarines since the Planet Killer is coming there)
* [[Saint Celestine]]. (Go read The ''Fall of [[Cadia]]'', this is not a joke! Also, not that hard, he just kill her, keeps the body while she reincarnates somewhere else)
* A lock of the Emperor's hair (Assuming it hasn't rotted away by the time he gets to Terra). (Again, can be vatgrown by Bile in exchange of.. something)
* An Ork Time Machine, originally belonging to Grizgutz.
* <s>[[Magnus the Red|Magnus the Red's]] favourite eye.</s> Magnus has agreed to provide things for his collection in exchange for being left intact
* An 8th edition Sisters of Battle codex. (done)
** An 8th edition box set of plastic sisters. Yes, he's the reason the November 2019 set sold out so early.
*Anyone atheist in Age of Sigmar, if not then a dwarf from the Kharadron Overlords will suffice.
* The [[Sanguinor]] in a stasis field.
* <s>A living Tyranid zoo (no stuffed dolls for our old collector). Would be much easier to accomplish if 'Nids didn't try to keep the fuck away from Necrons and their worlds.</s> Never mind. He gave up on this one after his specimens broke out of their exhibit and nom-med half of Solemnace. He's currently attempting to redo it on another planet near Solemnace.
* One of each type of Eldar Aspect Warrior, arranged in complementing color order.
* Each [[Phoenix Lord]], including the fallen Ahra or Drazhar (just in case he's Ahra); bonus points for the originals. Otherwise, something from them, such as one of [[Asurmen]]'s twin-linked [[Shuriken Catapult]]s or a lock of [[Jain Zar]]'s hair (bonus points for getting things from all of their incarnations).
* A signed autograph from each Primarch. (Still asking [[Orikan the Diviner|Orikan]] for "access" to his time machine so he can get one from [[Ferrus Manus]], [[Horus]], [[Sanguinius]], and [[Konrad Curze]] since they're all presently busy being dead.)
* A signed autograph from each chaos god, preferably without stains or switcharoo.
* A sweet ride so he can cruise the galaxy looking for new junk.
* The [[Baneblade#Fortress of Arrogance|Fortress of Arrogance]], preferably with [[Commissar Yarrick]] as well.
* [[Sammael|Sammael's]] Jetbike.
* A [[Pauldron|shoulder pad]] from each space marine chapter (Pre-heresy legions and post-heresy chapters all together of course, going for the complete set!)
* A Space Marine from each of the first Legions (this collection would be easily finished if not for the fact that he can't find any marines from the two missing legions).
* The two missing legions.
* [[Mary Sue|Those meddling kids - and that stupid dog!]]
* <s>A painting of one of the Emprah, Tzeentch, Cegorach, and the Deceiver's card games.</s> Creed provided him a holovid of the game that got him banned. He is content with this, And believes that Creed should be unbanned
* A circus filled with nothing but Eldar Harlequins.
* The <s>school report and childhood items</s> first set of kid-sized slave shackles of Asdrubael Vect.
* Urien Rakarth's first torture kit.
* An Avatar of Khaine. He's probably killed one, given how Geedubs keeps jobbing them, but the fact that their remains melt away and reform on the Craftworld - similar to how Necrons phase out - means Trazyn hasn't gotten one yet.
* A garage filled with one of each type of the Imperial Guard's tanks.
*A Daughter of Khaine and a Khorne berzerker with Hemophobia side by side.
* A feather from Sanguinus's wings. (Dante has one in stasis)
* An Imperial Titan that has been CREEEEEEEDed.
** A snap shot of the look on Abaddon's face upon seeing aforementioned Titan in the middle of his battle line, shouting CREEEEEEEED
* Abbadon's arms. Creed hid them so well that even Trazyn is having trouble finding them.
* A matching pair of [[Angry Marine]] Powerfeet.
* A pair of a Sisters Of Battle Canoness Regulation Holy Panties from each Order, stolen from their quarters while they are asleep. Surprisingly hard to pull off (fnar fnar), even for Trazyn.
* A set of [[Lelith Hesperax|Lelith Hesperax's]] combat attire after she's been in a fight. This is even harder to pull off than the Sisters of Battle Canoness Regulation Holy Panties.
* One of the fingers from the Talon of Horus. (Will have to force-grip Abaddon very hard)
* Slaanesh's entire porn collection. While no planet is big enough to hold all that porn, that's what parallel dimensions are for!
* One of Ferrus Manus's hands. He isn't picky which.(Not sure if Vulkan completely destroyed it)
* An [[Imperial Knight]] from each house.
* The Panacea STC.
** And since [[Lady Malys]] got there first, anything cool she owns, as well as a selfie with her before and after she realizes he stole her stuff.
* The Eye of Horus. As in the ''actual'' Eye.(Again, Bile can make one)
* The [[Eye of Terror]] and everything in it.
* Commander [[Puretide]] and/or [[Farsight|all]] [[Shadowsun|of his]] [[Shas'O Kais|students]].
* A calm and rational [[World Eaters|World Eater]] marine.
* A clean and disease-free [[Death Guard]] marine.(Hello [[Nathaniel Garro]])
* A [[Emperor's Children]] marine who shows restraint.(Hello [[Saul Tarvitz]], maybe already got him that's why they never found the body?)
* <s>A live and fleshy non-sorcerer [[Thousand Sons|Thousand Son]] marine. (As of Ahriman: Unchanged, there was one of these, and as of Gathering Storm Yvraine made a dozen more before throwing them into the Warp)</s> Provided by [[Magnus The Red]] in exchange for a deck of cards
* <s>A [[Night Lords]] Marine that is actually friendly to be around.</s> Has also been provided by [[Magnus The Red]] in exchange for the same deck of cards.
* An atheist [[Word Bearers]] marine
* A [[Kharn|certain]] swell guy.
** A picture with said swell guy
* Remnants of the Inquisitorial acolyte who died of old age. Ones aged by a [[Hrud|Hrud's]] entropic field do not count.
* The Doomsday Clock from [[The Last Church]].
** <s>Also Uriah himself.</s> After finding out he’s a chaos worshiper he has changed his mind.
*The cure for the [[Red Thirst]].(Hello Rubicon Primaris, maybe)
**A photo of The Blood Angels' shocking reaction when Trazyn smashes the cure in front of them. (Bonus for [[Dante]]'s reaction with his mask off)
* The cure for the Curse of the Wulfen.(Hello again, Rubicon Primaris, maybe)
** A photo of The Space Wolves' shocking reaction when Trazyn smashes the cure in front of them. (Bonus of [[Logan Grimnar]] shaving his beard in shame)
* The right hands of [[Helbrecht]], [[Eldorath Starbane]] and anyone else who had their right hands cut off by Imotekh.
* At least one [[Jokaero]].(shouldn't be that difficult as even a Catachan team managed to got one during the Pandorax Campaign)
** And anything they make/modify.
* As many [[Catgirl|catgirls]] as possible.
** Along with a selfie with each of them.
*** And as many [[Kitsune|kitsunes]] as possible, along with selfies and a shrine to their name.
* Any 100% reliable information about Alpha Legion.
* Any 100% reliable information about Alfa Legion.
*A recording of an Idoneth Deepkin talking in a pirate accent.
* The Blood Ravens Armoury. Since most of the above was already "gifted" to the Chapter. Not to mention there are quite a few things listed here that may be in there in the first place
* A machine to control the [[Warp]] so he can create impossible things. (Either the Golden Throne or the Tuchulcha engine may do the trick)
* A complete and unblemished cosmetic kit 'gifted' by a [[Pretty Marines]]' Company Captain, still with a wrapping bow attached. (Getting one each from both Loyalist and Chaos Pretty Marines Captains would be even better!)
* The very [[Ethereal|Ethereals]] who united the [[Tau]] race back when they were limited to only their homeworld, or their bodies...or severed heads.
* One of each type of Imperial Assassin in the position they held before trying to kill him. This wouldn't be so problematic if it wasn't for the fact that he has yet to convince the Assassinorium to send a Culexus assassin against him.
* A 1st Edition copy of the [[Codex Astartes]] with Roboute Guilliman's autograph on the dust jacket. (Guilliman probably has one)
** A 1st Edition copy of the [[Lectitio Divinatus]] with Lorgar's signature on the dust jacket to sit directly opposite the Codex. (Again Guilliman, if you are not that picky in terms of what "1st edition" means)
* A recording of Warboss [[Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka|Ghazghkull]] famous: "Wez gonna Waagh!"speech.
* A prison capable of holding [[Cypher]], containing the man himself.
* <s>A STC detailing how to finally have enough Dakka</s>. '''*KRUMP* HERE...HERESESS...BLOODY 'ELL WHOTEVER DAT WORD IS YOU 'UMIES KEEP SAYIN' BEFORE Y'SHOOTS STUPIDER 'UMIES!'''
* <s>An interdimensional portal device so he can collect artifacts from Warhammer Fantasy.</s> Done as he managed to get an STC of Steam with a Total Warhammer series warp-powered bunch of keys.
* <s>An interdimensional portal device so he can collect artifacts from Lord of the Rings.</s> (Trazyn has now accomplished this according to some writefaggotry posted on fanfiction.net. Much nerd [[rage]] shall ensue. You have been warned.)
* You.
* <s>An interdimensional portal device so he can collect artifacts from Star Wars.</s> (He has also accomplished this due to MORE Writefaggotry on Fanfiction.net.)
* An interdimensional portal device so he can collect artifacts from Star Trek (Risky, considering the technologies in Star Trek, he just might actually end up as a collectible himself or be tracked back to his home dimension).
* An interdimensional portal device so he can collect artifacts from the Mass Effect universe (<s>Doable, but risky if he ever crosses paths with the Reapers</s> Reapers are small fry compared to anything the Necrons can throw around, he'll be fine).
* A TARDIS so he can learn the name of The Doctor (Riskier than Star Trek because of the technologies involved. Also, if anyone could track Trazyn back to his home dimension and thoroughly wreck his shit it'd be The Doctor).
* An interdimensional portal device so he can collect artifacts from the Marvel Universe (main timeline).
* An interdimensional portal device so he can collect artifacts from the DC Universe (main timeline).
* An interdimensional portal device so he can collect artifacts from the Halo universe (dangerous because of Master Chief and his damn luck).
* The body of a Dwarf [[Slayer]] who died of old age.
* <s>All the NON-Grimdarkness of the 41st millennium in a bottle. So nothing in bottle then.</s> Already done.
* [[Temperus Maximus]]' Adamantium Cigar. Trazyn almost managed to loot this, but Temperus suddenly called an Orbital Strike on top of himself before this happened. Temperus' armor received minor scorch marks when the strike ended and Trazyn's body double was obliterated.
* One marine from each chapter of the cursed founding.
* A [[Death Korps of Krieg]] gas mask serial number 0000000000000000000000001.
* Names, addresses and personal phone numbers of the two unknown Primarchs.
* Cardinal Anton Fedelicus and his collected writings, which if introduced would have allowed for a very large degree of sexual freedom to have been integrated into the ecclesiarchical theology without increasing the risk of Slaaneshi corruption.
* A living [[Astral Knights|Astral Knight]].
* A "lucky" [[Lamenters]] marine (also count as one of the cursed founding collection).
* A working time travel device created by the [[Ordo Chronos]] ([[heresy|if it was ever made]]). The purpose for this device being -- you guessed it -- collect more artifacts from the past.
* His own body double in an alternative universe, if only he did not manage to turn into [[JoJo's Bizarre Adventure|dimensional sponge]] in the process or lost to his alternative self in a collection contest.
* A lock of hair from each of the [[Tarkus|infamous]] [[Boreale|baldraven]] [[Diomedes|marines]].
* A "My First Assault Cannon" box set (Even better if unopened).
* A photo of the Emperor as a boy.
* As well as all of his photographic recordings scattered throughout time, whether it is rock scribble from the stone age or painting in the Renaissance Era or those Youtube video he has made back in 20XX.
* A [[Squat]].
* A living Boneripper (plenty of chance since Thanquol is still around in Age of Sigmar).
* The personal battle standard of [[Gabriel Angelos]] used at his ascension to chapter master.
** The Blood Ravens also want one of Trazyn's personal banners. Negotiations are ongoing.
* An Ogryn's 'Guardsman's Primer: Colouring Book Edition' and matching 'The Great Crayon Crusade' coloring set.
* The oldest dreadnought of each Space Marine chapter.
* [[Samus]]' armor.
* A body-pillow of [[Lolicron|Cathy]] (Original prefered)
* The Entire First and Second Seasons of "If The Emperor had a text-to-speech device" on blu-ray signed by Chapter Master Alfabusa.
* Chapter Master Alfabusa in a stasis chamber.
* Limited collectors edition of Half life 3 (After all, it's only been 38,000 years in development, maybe Valve will finish it before chaos/da WAAAAGH/the Tyranids/Imotekh's ego consumes the entire galaxy!)
* [[Sly Marbo|Sly Marbo's]] personal pistol, though not even Trazyn is willing to try and collect it.
* An actual ork sniper.</s> '''WAAAAAAAAGH!!! WHERE DIS LITTLE GIT I'LL KRUMP EM LIKE A BUG!'''
* A Butlin-Class Titan.
* The [[Men of Iron|Man of Iron]].
* <s>The Cigar Creed always chews but never smokes.</s> Acquired as part of the new Creed exhibit.
* The legs from an Imperial Sentinel (must have attachment for his own legs)
*A picture of Sigmar hugging Draconithon
* A list of names of <s>the fallen to wave at the Dark Angels</s> COMPLETELY UNRELATED TRAITOR MARINES THAT JUST LIKE WEARING BLACK AND RED AND WINGED SWORDS.
* A ham personally provided by the Ordo Draigo.
* A book borrowed from the black library with a selfie of him and Cegorach.
* A picture of himself before he turned to Necron. (just print his memories, he is an android, duh)
* The best pole dancer in the Commorragh in a stasis chamber (that was [[Yvraine]] at one point, so her).
* The best pole dancer out of all Slaanesh cultists in a stasis chamber.
* A photograph of a Cyclonic torpedo the moment it impacts the ground.
* A group photo of Thunder Warriors with Arik Taranis and the Emperor.
* An acknowledgement from GW that [[Malal]] does indeed exist.
* An actual affordable GW Warhammer 40k miniature from any faction.
* An undisputably good codex from any faction.
* [[Carlos McConnell]], or at least one of his catgirls, in a stasis chamber.
* A jar of [[Skub]].
* The book "[[Standard Template Construct]]" for dummies.
* Sensible [[Blood Angels]].
* Hairless [[Space Wolves]]. Being shaven doesn't count, the Marine has to be hairless naturally.
* A copy of Battletoads.
* The Statue of Liberty, shrunk to 10 feet size and taken from Nova Yourk hive of Merica.
* Blueprint of [[Angron]]'s Butcher's Nails.
* A WW2 Era Luger pistol, original.
* Enough Blood for the [[Khorne|Blood God]].
* <s>Enough Skulls for the Skull Throne.</s> THERE ARE NEVER ENOUGH SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE, LOYALIST SCUM!
* One of Roboute Guilliman's new [[Primaris Marines|Super Space Marines]].
* A Pokeball that can hold a C'tan.
* A living member of the Interex.
* A Picture of Eldrad and Vect trying to out-dick one another.
* An STC that has technology that will allow him to do some Dark Eldar Drugs.
* A video of Nemesor Zahndrekh putting on glasses and realizing that he is now a Skeleton Robot and the Other Necrontyr are not what they seemed to be
* An member of an Alien race the Imperium actually gets along with. (<s>Pretty damn impossible.</s> Also [[Yvraine]]; two birds, one stone)
* A being with an anal circumference large enough to fit his throbbing ego.
* An Ork who can actually think. Word has it [[War of the Beast|he might need to go back in time for that...]]
* <s>DLC for Dawn of War III.</s> Got that on the same sale he got the keys for TW:WH.
* An Autograph from [[Nagash]].
* A video of Yarrick taking over the Orks. (<s>Only a Matter of time now</s> [[wat|It's mentioned in the 8E rulebook that the Orks and Humans on Armageddon formed an alliance to fight chaos, so this is pretty much canon for now.]])
* The Golden Throne. That means Trazyn is not allowed on Holy Terra.
* [[Belisarius Cawl]]. Bonus points if he collects the Alpha Primus as well.
* <s>Enough DAKKA.</s>'''WUT DID WE SAY 'BOUT DAT?'''
* The name and address of the Ork that keeps Dakka blocking him.
* An official GW/[[The Ninth Age]] tournament. Will require some dimensional traveling since the latter started distancing itself from being 9th Edition WHFB.
** An official WHFB tournament that uses [[Warhammer Armies Project]] rules.
* [[Farsight#The_Dawn_Blade|The Dawn Blade]].
* A clone of [[Fabius Bile]], not as an exhibit but just to make conversation with. He nearly got one if Fabius Bile didn't decide to trade him his Fulgrim clone instead.
* [[Lorgar|Lorgar's]] diary, the single largest source of [[heresy]] in the universe. He puts this one off due to the aura of discomfort that radiates from anything Lorgar has touched.
* A portal into an alternate past reality where GW doesn't constantly use the Eldar as fluffy punching bags, and where xenos factions actually get as much attention as [[Space Marine|GeeDub's poster boys.]]
* A pyrophobic [[Salamanders (Chapter)|Salamander]].
* The Emperor's text-to-speech device.
* The Emperor's left eye.
* The Emperor’s right bollock.
* [[Old Man Henderson|Old Man Henderson's]] gnomes.
* Old Man Henderson's player.
* Old Man Henerson's Backstory of Doom.
* All Nintendo World Championship cartridges, both regular and gold.
* One of those [[Noise Marine]] sonic guns that looks like a sweet guitar.
* A member of the Death Korps of Krieg with self-preservation instincts.
* A living [[Sensei]].
* The only known Platypus to achieve the rank of Inquisitor along with his arch-nemesis: a bumbling non-chaotic heretek pharmacist.
* A set of [[Rogue Trader]] era [[Beakie]] Armor.
* A picture of Gorkamorka turning into Gork and Mork
* The rest of the Blackstone Fortresses.
* [[Commissar Fuklaw|Commissar Fuklaw's]] cap.
* [[Cultist-chan]] in a sound-proof cell.
* A recording of Tzeentch saying [[JUST AS PLANNED]] in every known language (would've been done sooner, but Tzeentch keeps speaking in languages that he claims are created in the future or he might be making up, just to troll Trazyn).
* One of [[Dranon|Dranon's]] cigars.
* [[Ciaphas Cain]] HERO OF THE IMPERIUM's missing fingers.
* A beer worth defending.
* A sextape of Cain and Amberley.
* Two copies of Shadow War: Armageddon. The second one will be a backup 'Just in case' copy.
* Some [[Primaris Lieutenant|Primaris Lieutenants]]. There is so many right now nobody is gonna notice some of them go missing.
* Roboute's body pillow of Yvraine.
* Yvraine's vibrator that she got while on Ultramar. UltraMarine sanctioned.
* The [[Silent King]]'s Sanguinus mask.
* A "Miniature" of an Emperor Class Titan in regular 40k scale.
* Dio Brando with a ROAD ROLLER DAAAAA!!!
* Kitten's Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker deck.
* Kitten himself.
* A picture of Kitten and Shadowsun kissing.
* Shadowsun's bodysuit after a fight.
* [[Commissar Yarrick]]'s right arm
* Assholetep's robes. The only thing stopping is the fact that if Trazyn accomplished this, Assholetep would immediately assume it's Trazyn and wreck his collection, so Trazyn's put this on the backburner.
* Every single person who had edited this page. Don't! I'm edi--
* Aged Japanese soy sauce.
* Some more paper and a pencil for more lists. And Lord Admiral Spire to complete his Imperial collection.
* All the Pokémons.
** And all of the shiny versions too.
* A clear, accurate, unedited photograph of a Diglett's body.
* The official single extended version of the Tattered Sails Shanty signed by [[Luthor Harkon]].
* The Mona Lisa (will probably have to infiltrate the Imperial Palace).
* Evidence of [[Cypher]]'s true identity.
* A 1990s Holographic Charizard Pokémon Card.
* One Sergeant "Jinxie" Penlan, ideally in the process of tripping over something and preferably not somehow messing up half the collection because of it.
* An ork that doesn't want to fight.
* A gretchin that's stronger than an ork
* One of the Artifacts of Vulkan.
*[[Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure|A Road Roller,Da.]]
* The most basic soldier of the most powerful and advanced human faction during the [[Dark Age of Technology]], just to see how much he stands up to warriors of the present.
* And some good Matt ward fluff. Besides himself. Permanently placed at the bottom of the list because even he has his limits.
*A squid that hasn't fucked a Japanese School Girl.
*Eric Andre.
* Watch Master Bilbus from Death Watch Vita Nova
* A purple Ork.
* The Declaration of Independence (original edition).
* Any person, who likes Erebus
* A plasma gun, that has the ability to re-roll 1's naturally or a stable Imperial plasma weapon (either will do).
* C.S. Gotto, so he may never write anything again (thx Trazyn)
* Wukong from Warframe charged by four TSAR bombs
* Rogal Dorn’s other hand.
* Original downloads of every 40K fan animation before the daemon Ga’Mez-wark’Sh’op banished them and their creators to the warp for absorption and cursed the survivors.
* All of the original creators of 40k fan animation before said banishment.
* 5 Revenant robots (from apex legends) (as backup bodies of course).
* A Technophobic Techpriest.
* A Vegan Tyranid.
* Schrödinger’s cat.
* Your mum.
* And a partridge in a pear treeee!

==Ever-increasing Trazyn's aliases List==
*Arsène Lupin
*Pepe
*Bob The regular non-necron guardsman.
*Bob the Builder
*The Fat Controller
*Sir Toppham Hatt
*Every notable persons from your childhood
*Borris the generic soul-less warrior
*Phaeron Imothephek the Thunderboltlord.
*Onionkyr the Voyager.
*Nemesor Zahnpasta.
*The Grinch who stole EVERYTHING.
*Vanguard O'Brien.
*El Bandido Dickbag de la Muerte
*Trellsin the Singular.
*[https://youtu.be/v4Y4QBL5Fmg Bender][https://youtu.be/OWPfcEOr2Yg Bending Rodríguez]
*Necropimp
*The most fabulous Necron of them all (after he said this, Sanguinius appeared before him and told him that if he ever said the word fabulous again, he would steal everything he owns)
*Illuminor Spookyras.
*Notc'tan the Diviner.
*Sissy Rack the Loud Queen.
*Dio Brando/ZA WARUDO.
*Thanquol the (In)Competent.
*Marisa Kirisame
*Shas'O Wi A'bu.
*Inquisitor Emprah of Catachan.
*Anon Y. Mouse.
*Captain Inkoc Nito.
*Dirty Dan
*Pinhead Larry
*Winona Ryder
*The Tin White Douche
*Dean Isle.
*Kaz Miller.
*Mideer Laydee.
*Eliphas the inheritor.
*Commissar Hugh Mann.
*Korporal Dick Goesinzya.
*Canoness Ivanna Purgealot.
*High Scout Henrick Day-o-midis.
*Farsighter Loldrad Gretchinbane.
*Lord-sergeant Ultramarius Sicarius.
*Archservitor Robotnik Wilhelm.
*Warboss Ghozkull Grotstealer.
*Skitarius Ranger Alpha Stroheimus JJ-1337.
*Archon Kim Ke.
*Trashbin the incompetent
*Suede O'Niim.
*John Smith.
*Alan Smithee.
*Kyon.
*Ned Cron.
*Mouse M.D.
*Victor Domashev.
*Bernie Madoff.
*Carmen Sandiego.
*Lara Craft.
*Master Thief.
*Sir Welland Dowde.
*High Admiral tankcommander Pascual.
*Techpriest 01110100 01110010 01100001 01111010 01111001 01101110 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101001 01101110 01100110 01101001 01101110 01101001 01110100 01100101 00001010.
*Gordon Freeman.
*Mr. Roboto.
*Nyzart the ending
*Nafqa.
*Sly Cooper.
*The God emperor of Mankind.
*Mac Tonight.
*The G-man.
*Venom Snake.
*He-Man.
*Skeltor.
*Iron Man.
*Albert Wesker.
*Gabe Newell.
*SLYYYY MARBOOO!! (When Trazyn assumed this disguise, every necron in the segmentum had a Catachan Fang spontaneously appear in its skull and teleported to self repair, and the knife that appeared in Trazyn's hands had "I'll let you off this time" written on the grip."
*Big Boss Final.
*Zharn the Bee Trainer.
*Tray the Model Man.
*[[matt_ward|Matt Ward's]] dignity
*BIg BobbyG.
*alpharius.
*not omegon.
*RuPaul Charles.
*The London Jets.
*pantheon of 40k (GW)
*Belisarius Cawl
*JOHN CENA!!!
*The Immortal Jod Emper of Space-skeletonkind.
*Spartacus.
*Danger Powers.
*The Second Coming of Matt Ward
*Fresh Prince of Ultramar.
*The King of Games.
*Mr E. Man
*The real thief of the Primarchs.
*Sister Superior Wendy.
*Chaplin Hamburglar.
*The Doctor.
*Thief Khee'Bler.
*Norm L. Pearson.
*The Lord of the [[Squats]]
*<S>Waldo</s> Wally.
*The God Emperor of Mankind
*Ol’ Funnybones.
*T-8 Double Zero.
*Systems model 101.
*Hugh Mann.
*The Necron emperor of Necronkind.
*The next door neighbour who is a hoarder
*YOU THIEVING BASTARD!
*Commander Griefouz.
*Our Lord and Saviour.
*Generic Robot #3775123.
*Trashy the Incontinent
*Jimmy Neuron.
*Lieutenant Crunch.
*Mor'Dakka.
*Alice Turning.
*Shiro The Black.
*Kuro The White.
*Sentient Vibrator.
*Pha'Keen Weeb.
*Fabricator General ES-7C.
*High Lord Servitus Tenticulus Corpuscori
*Fleet Admiral Squatbar.
*Jabba Da Pump.
*Canoness Phat As'h.
*Sister Jhail Bate.
*Inquisitor Bigideas.
*Huxley.
*Bagga Chips.
*Torbin Zixx.
*Sigmar Freudian.
*Dr.Ankh Scotchman.
*Machine Spirit R2-D2.
*Clifford The Big Red Murder Beast.
*Big Mac.
*Ben de la Creme.
*Chaplain Charles Chaplin.
*Larry The Cable Guy.
*NVIDIA GeForce GTX 970 4GB GDDR5 PCI Express 3.0 Graphics Card.
*Bed Bath and Beyond Store Manager
*Rick Sanchez.
*Morty Sanchez.
*Stupid fucking robot that keeps stealing my shit, god damn I hate this guy
*TI 84
*Steve from accounting.
*Mark
*Senetor Armstrong.
*Living Embodiment of the ancient terran british museum

==Fall of Cadia==
Oddly enough, it appears that Trazyn decided to 'aid' the Imperium in their defense of Cadia (he decided that after 60 million years it would be interesting to play the hero for once). He knows the secrets of the Pylons on Cadia, and he even releases Imperium people from his collection (represented in game by letting you deep strike units, if you take Trazyn in your Imperium army). What a great guy giving up his collection to have more space for other exotic exhibits...
Specifically he got the feeling that something was coming after the Bell of Saint Gersthal started chiming in his collection (in Necron stasis, which shouldn't have been able to happen), messing with the programs of his Tomb World, breaking a bunch of priceless and unique shit, ruining it with [[Lulz|leaking coolant]], as it rang thirteen times before ceasing. Trazyn, perhaps more befuddled than irate, but really quite put off, promptly headed off to the Celestial Orrery on Thanatos, having to explain having stolen ''their'' shit the last time he was there, just to see what the fuck was going on (but not before casting the bell into the webway, [[Troll|hoping it would be as much of a pain in the Eldar's ass as it was his]]). And what do you know, there was but the Crons' watching over the thing could do nothing about it cause they were just meant to watch over the thing, not play galactic peacekeepers (although they eventually let him in, the guards weren't happy that Trazyn was there, due to an incident where some priceless artifact mysteriously went missing the last time he visited). Thus Trazyn decided to take up the role as a savior for once (mostly because he was bored and wanted to try something other than grave-robbing), and find the source of the corruption, which happened to be the little boring world of Cadia.

Long story short, Trazyn went off to Cadia released some parts of his collection (most notably Inquisitor Greyfax, though that is mostly just because his old Pen Pal Valeria was apparently killed by another human), and helped the Imperial forces screw around with the Pylons. Which somewhat backfired to put it lightly, though not that it mattered much to him because he stopped caring about playing the hero role and figured that while he was around he could find something for his collection to commemorate such a historic moment. And while he was originally hoping to claim Abaddon for his collection, his second choice was no less impressive.

''Creed stands alone on the ruined surface of Cadia. He sees a metal giant in a scaled cloak in front of him, hand outstretched.''

''"Ursarkar E. [[Creed]] - This is not your end. Eternity Awaits"....''

His current activities are mostly unknown, but he's been tapping into his pet C'tan shard for information about the Great Rift. It's implied that he has something rather outre in mind as he doesn't want to close it but to enter it safely himself..

==Inner Sadness of Trazyn==

Despite being such a 'happy' guy Trazyn is clearly hiding many things from everyone. He laments just how stale Necron society has become, unable to make or appreciate art and music. Just like the Tomb Kings of Fantasy, Trazyn has realized that immortality and technology alone isn't enough to make life worth living.

Trazyn's collection of artifacts and history is a way for him to cope with his loss of memories, of identity and a lost sense of purpose. That's true Grimdark there. While he likely stole most of them, Trazyn expresses genuine grief and outrage when Orikan destroys several ancient - as in pre-biotransference - Necrontyr relics in Trazyn's galleries (especially a walking cane topped with a hawk-head handle that actually belonged to Trazyn).

While he admires and wants to be a colleague to [[Orikan the Diviner|Orikan]], he can't help screwing him over (violence and untreated kleptomania aren't good for relationships) even when it would be disadvantageous for him and his people. Despite being a fictional alien-turned-machine, Trazyn shows just how easy and damning it can be to fall in the pitfalls of life and how it can be more depressing than death.

==Humanity through Trazyn's eyes==

The novel ''The Infinite and the Divine'' reveals more of Trazyn's thoughts on mankind. On one hand he points out how in a Galaxy populated by Orks, Eldar, Tyranids and so many born predators and monsters mankind has prevailed to become the dominant species in a way similar to the ancient Necrontyr. Although humans are so short-lived and fragile he also notices how, like the Necrontyr, they have managed to create a vibrant culture. Every world they inhabit has managed to produce at least ''something'' worthy of being recorded for posterity in the galleries of Solemnace.

He even attempted to convince his rival, Orikan the Diviner that the humans of Serenade and their culture had some intrinsic value. Orikan, being Orikan and a generally cantankerous fellow, wasn’t convinced.

On the other hand he is not entirely without empathy toward humans either. First off he points out how fear is a poor substitute for good leadership and rewarding loyal service, actually ensuring his enthralled human has a far better long life than what his salary and position at the Administratum would have otherwise allowed him. Apparently, Trazyn didn't see why he should make his thrall's existence worse, and despite said thrall being mind-shackled, Trazyn was reasonably sure it was a largely superfluous contingency for a generally willing, competent, and loyal servant. Secondly there is a point in the novel when the human thrall, soon to be silenced as he reached the end of his usefulness, gives thanks to Trazyn for how he helped him and his family and then asks if he was going to destroy his world. Trazyn, remembering how beautiful was the planet's ecosystem before the Imperium colonized it, asks in return if he would actually need to do such a thing when humans were already killing the planet through ruthless resource exploitation. True to Trazyn’s word, the servant’s subsequent termination, while immensely painful, was mercifully brief.

Trazyn has even stated that he would actually like to keep some humans as vassals if the necrons ever managed to bring back the Infinite Empire, as they would be an endless source of amusement and surprise for the rest of eternity.

== See Also ==

* [http://images.wikia.com/heman/images/b/bc/Skeletor.jpg Compare and contrast, comrades.]
* [http://youtu.be/jJh5PETGihs?t=10m16s Epic duel ahead.]
* [https://soundcloud.com/calvin-turner-606722642/trazyn-the-infinite An audio recording of his infamous letter.] N.B Lost in the warp, and we all know who to blame for that now don't we?
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XVghX8opHJU The infamous robot magpie himself finally has a voice actor!]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HT5mWEWTb6A Trazyn National Anthem]

[[Category: Warhammer 40,000]]

[[Category: Xenos]]

[[Category: Necrons]]

{{Necrons-Characters}}

Trazyn the Infinite

2021-11-15T04:38:29Z

2601:449:8280:2630:98A6:8027:1751:4353: /* Ever-increasing Trazyn's aliases List */

{{MattWard}}
{{Awesome}}
{{Heresy}}
[[File:Trazyn.jpg|300px|right|thumb|He's come to steal your shit! (Probably literally, if it's rare enough) And if you're (un)lucky, he might even steal you.]]
{{topquote|I welcome all... to a place in my carefully curated collection!|The kleptomaniac himself, presenting the Necron faction in Battlefleet Gothic Armada 2}}
{{topquote|I give my all to all I see, see? And all I see I give to me!|Huxley, Sesame Street villain}}
{{topquote|What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine too!|Repo Man, WWF wrestler}}
{{topquote|Greetings, [[Orikan the Diviner|Orikan]]! I apologise for having to borrow back my astrarium. I know how deeply you appreciated it, but you work too hard, my astromancer. Consider this a relaxing break. And what is more relaxing than a hunt? These creatures are from an [[Catachan|Imperial jungle planet]], and so famous that [[Catachan Jungle Fighters|the locals]] named their local regiment after them. Highly venomous - not that it would bother you, dear colleague - and can grow to over fifteen ''khut'' long when they reach maturity. But the real challenge is how quick they breed. In fact, I would recommend you start the pursuit quickly. Fourteen juveniles were in this particular gift. Or was it sixteen? Anyway, within twelve hours the population will have established roving kin groups to place their eggs. Did I forget to mention the eggs? Half of the breeding pairs already have sacs. The population will double in less than twenty-four hours, provided they don't eat too many of the young. Happy hunting!|A letter written by Trazyn to Orikan after stealing an ancient artifact from him}}

'''Trazyn the Infinite''', also known as '''Trollzyn the [[Tarpit]] Breaker''' and '''Trazyn the Grave Robber''', or Possibly Trazyn the shiny Stealer, is the best [[Necron]] Overlord/Phaeron (while ''technically'' his title is Overlord, he has his own Overlord subordinates and rules his own little empire like Phaeron). Basically what you'll get if you combined Doctor Doom, a [[Tomb King]], a [[Blood Ravens|Bloody Magpie]] and the Terminator, with a hint of Captain Jack Sparrow.

Trazyn the Infinite, ruler of the [[Tomb World]] named Solemnace (which happens to be a Dyson Sphere powered by a [[C'tan]]), is a self-proclaimed preserver of histories, artifacts and events. In his possession are technologies and relics that are so valuable as to be priceless. Amongst his collection are the fabled wraithbone choir of Altansar, one of the preserved heads of [[Sebastian Thor]], the ossified husk of an Enslaver and a suit of baroque power armour, complete with the Custodes who was still wearing it. This means that he is one of only two entities in this or any other universe that rivals the stealing power of the [[Blood Ravens]] (the other being the Deffskullz.) In such a dangerous galaxy, Trazyn is loath to go out and explore it himself, but with so many exquisite artifacts to see and catalogue, he cannot afford to miss out. As a result he will send out substitutes of himself to do his dirty work. On the battlefield this can become increasingly irritating, as killing what appears to be Trazyn may simply be a [[Lychguard]] or a Necron Lord. Meanwhile, somewhere nearby, the real Trazyn is busy smashing his way through his foes to get his metal hands on his latest acquisition.

(That's how the fluff handled it; the crunch rules imply (and the fluff now confirms) that he simply takes over the body of another Lord, Lychguard, [[Cryptek]], or whatever else is left in the vicinity. He was there; you killed him; he just ran like the troll he is. [[Butthurt|Oh, and you didn't]] [[Alpha Legion|get Slay The Warlord by the way.]] <s>Just imagine this guy politely trolling with the voice of Terl from Battlefield Earth</s> he has a voice actor now via [[Battlefleet Gothic: Armada II]], [[Lulz|who actually sounds like a mechanical version of Terl]] (though he isn't voiced by John Travolta): "Oh, dear! What a wonderful contingent of [[Imperial Guard|Imperial Guardsmen!]] I shall thank you with all my heart, General, for this marvelous gift. Please tell them to strike a nice pose while I prepare a stasis grenade...")

/tg/ has gained a fondness for him, due to his thieving ways, his Doctor Doom-esque body doubles, and his polite yet [[Troll|trollish]] attitude, he is also known for using completely self-evident aliases, which nevertheless seem to work quite well. It is generally agreed that he is one of the only good things Matt Ward has ''ever'' put into the [[fluff]].

A war-torn city in the [[Ultramar]] system. The [[Ultramarines]], aided by an [[Imperial Guard]] regiment led by Lord Castellan Ursakar [[Creed]], prepare to face an [[Ork]] incursion in a final battle. The Orks are numerous, but the [[Imperium]] has the upper hand, just barely, as Lord Creed's tactical genius has proven invaluable. As the Orks begin their final assault on the city, the Ultramarines ready their defenses. Creed, ever oddly silent, gazes intently at a large flagpole in the center of town, watching through binocs as the Orks' charge is funneled towards the center of the city. Suddenly, as the Orks near the square, the tip of a [[Baneblade]]'s main gun can be seen coming around the flagpole. The great tank begins to emerge from behind the thin metal object, perfectly and impossibly concealed. It begins to move into its firing arc, and a great shout is heard from the [[Warboss]] down below, just barely carrying over the rest of the din. "'''CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-'''" Suddenly, the cry cuts off in confusion, as Creed spits out his cigar. Where the Baneblade once stood, there is air, thin air. Not a trace remains of the enormous tank. It has vanished completely. Then, gradually, a green, crackling, electrical rune appears hanging in the air where the Baneblade was. It extends gracefully, for its platonic geometric form. If Creed was given to poetry, he might even say it resembled a rose. But he knew better. A rage he had felt only once before began to boil deep within, and his cry shook the world as the Orkish tide began to hack his guardsmen and the Marines to pieces. "'''TRAAAAAAAAAAAAZYYYYYYYYN!'''"

==From [[Matt Ward|Ward]] Himself==
"[[Bullshit|Trazyn's also no slouch in combat.]] Whenever his empathic obliterator kills an enemy, it has a chance to kill all other enemies of the same type in the same combat - perfect for Ork mobs. This isn't so useful against characters, but that's why Trazyn also carries a clutch of mindshackle scarabs - why kill an enemy when you can take over his mind and have him kill for you...?"oh wait nope, mss are now just a useful fear test. So now the only real use you'll find for him in a duel is whacking them with a stick.

==Letter to Inquisitor Valeria==
This is the (in)famous little piece of fluff that has made Trazyn so likable to /tg/, contrasting nicely with all the grim darkness around. Do note that it is unclear whether he's fucking nuts, indulging in some elaborate trolling or even both at once.

''Dear Lady, let me express my fulsome appreciation for your most generous gift. It is so very rare to discover another of my own kind that appreciates my work, therefore to find understanding amongst a member of another race is nothing short of a revelation. I realise that you briefly trod my galleries, but the fact that you spotted in so short a time that my Acabrius War collection was lacking three regiments of Catachan warriors reveals that you truly have a collector's eye for detail. And to send five regiments! Such generosity will allow me to weed out and replace a few of the more substandard pieces in my collection. If I might level a minor criticism, the instructions issued to your gift were manifestly not as clear as you thought, as most of them had to be forcibly restrained. Sadly it seems that the lower orders will always behave like an army of invasion, whether that be their purpose or not. However, this is a minor complaint and seems almost churlish under the circumstances, so please allow me to repay your gift with one of my own. Accompanying this message is the Hyperstone Maze, one of a series of Tesseract Labyrinths constructed at the height of the Charnovokh Dynasty. It is a trinket really, only of interest to scholars such as you and I, but I trust you will find it amusing; assuming you have the wit to escape its clutches, of course.''

It should be noted that an Inquisitor can actually use a Tesseract as a relic.

==The Infinite List of Dickings==
[[File:Trazyn2.jpg|200px|right|thumb|Daww]]
Trazyn is universally regarded as a <strike>[[Eldrad|huge dick]]</strike> pretty fun guy to be around due to his <strike>[[Blood Ravens|rampant kleptomania]]</strike> erudition and wit. Here is a list of his <strike>crimes</strike> many-splendored accomplishments, compiled for the <strike>warning</strike> edification of /tg/.

* Killed five invading regiments of Catachans, then turned them into [[Wargame|miniatures for his collection.]]
** Sent [[Inquisitor Valeria]] fan mail (maybe, we can't tell if he was being sarcastic in the letter) attached to an armed tesseract labyrinth [[Blood Ravens|as a reward for "gifting" him said Catachan regiments.]] Being a true gentleman, when Valeria managed to unravel said tesseract labyrinth and use it 'safely', he took it with good grace and they became pen pals of sorts... [[Grimdark|But since no good deed stays unpunished]], as of Fall of Cadia Trazyn has revealed that while Valeria became his human waifu for some time she eventually got [[blam|BLAM'med]] for consorting with xenos, hence why he releases Greyfax the Angery instead of getting Valeria to tag along (Just as planned? How about Tau start summoning daemons for battle? <strike>And maybe Orks start building their own webway</strike>They already did it using superior gravitational corridors which don't need the warp during the War of the Beast.)
* Banned from the Necron throne world of Mandragora after trying to [[Ork|loot]] [[Imotekh the Stormlord|Imotekh's]] staff.
** [[Internet_Troll|Pops in whenever he feels like it anyway.]]
* Stole Sebastian Thor's [[wat|head]]. Maybe (There's like five other museums claiming to have his skeleton; the only reason Trazyn stands out is because his Thor head is preserved in a jar, rather than a skull).
* Took the World Spirit Shrine of Carnac, an [[Exodite]] world as a trophy for helping to conquer it.
* Uses other Necron Lords as body doubles [[Internet_Troll|without telling them.]]
* Told the [[Ultramarines|greatest amongst us all]] he was old pals with [[Roboute Guilliman|Rowboat Girlyman.]] Considering that one of the pokeballs he unleashed against Chaos at the Fall of Cadia was a bunch of Ultramarines fresh from the [[Great Scouring|aftermath of the Horus Heresy]], he might be telling the truth ("old pals" by his definition, of course).
** And then informed them that maybe [[Internet_Troll|he was going to take Papa Smurf, as he'd be better off with him than in the company of the Ultramarines.]]
*** And with Rowboat coming back, [[Yvraine|somehow]], for 40k End Times, we might actually get to see how the two know each other. If they actually do. There's every possibility that [[troll|Trollzyn was just lying]].
* <s>Has a fucking PRIMARCH stored at his pad, supposedly... Possibly Vulkan according to White Dwarf.</s> Technically it's a Primarch clone, but it's still a perfect copy of the pre-Heresy Fulgrim, courtesy of [[Fabius Bile]].
*Told [[Vulkan He'stan]] he had the Song of Entropy, luring the Salamanders into a 10-year war with the Necrons. At the end of it, Trazyn pretty much said "just kidding, I don't have the Song of Entropy," as he tried to steal the Spear of Vulkan. Kind of back fired when [[Vulkan He'stan]] decided to just give him the Spear. ''Tip'' first. He'stan was pretty pissed when he learned Trazyn just jumped into another body.
** Twice.
*Invaded the Imperial planet of Midgardia and nabbed a C'tan shard of Nyadra'zatha, despite [[Logan Grimnar]]'s attempts to stop him. It's notable that he pulled this off in Logan's own codex supplement, where most other battles in the book were a resounding Space Wolf victory. To be fair, Space Wolves destroying (and thus accidentally freeing) a C'tan shard would make them look like an assholes. I mean even more assholes than they already are.
**In retribution, Logan hunted him down to another planet, Vhaloth IV, and ended up kicking Imotekh's ass instead. ([[Just As Planned]]. The dick deserved it for hanging on to his staff anyway.)
* Captured an Ork warboss and the Deathwatch kill team that was hunting said warboss, and sat them in front of each other in his collection for all eternity. And he double-checked they were both still self-aware, just to feel them suffer.
* Caught a bunch of tech priests evacuating from the necron invasion of Magogue, and set them up in stasis as a monument to that planet's fall. Notable because he pulled it off in the Skitarii codex. Trazyn's apparently the go-to guy for being able to win outside of his own codex.
* May or may not be the one pulling the strings behind the events of [[Xenology]], as probably he won't have any problems impersonating a C'tan shard.
* Has been hanging out on Cadia for who knows how long as the "man of iron" which all but confirms the pylons are necrons made.
* <strike>Steals Creed himself after the fall of Cadia.</strike> Blundered into allowing Creed to infiltrate his collection.
* Steals Papa Smurfs' (The Ultramarine bloke that can't spell Robert properly) pillow from his lumber.
* Stole an Emperor's Children's gene-seed tithe ship containing thousands of progenoids.
* Traded it for the only perfect clone of [[Fulgrim]], thus dashing the only hope of the Third Legion rebuilding itself and becoming more than a bunch of depraved sick fucks.
* Planning to add to his collection all the stuff from [[Battlefleet Gothic: Armada II]], World Engine and Hiveships included!
* Has an agent in Middle Earth Shadow of War called the Trophy Hunter. How he got there is beyond this anon's mental capabilities
* Frees an AdMech Magos and a pair of Sororitas in the short story War in the Museum to deal with an escaped Lictor and Hive Tyrant. The Sororitas were supposed to be biological sisters frozen in their last moments fighting Tyranids, but one sister was dead and [[Grimdark|used as spare parts to fix up her surviving sister]]; the other Sororitas was a stand-in taken from Goge Vandire's Brides of the Emperor (the precursor of the SoB). Trazyn goes so far as to swear on his honor he will reunite them with their Lord and not put them back in the same exhibit if they accomplish their task. True to his word, he puts them in a different exhibit...facing another called 'The Beheading of Goge Vandire'. Oddly enough, Trazyn considers the magos as something of a friend and even sends the AdMech research packets on his behalf, and decided to keep the Magos in stasis with full awareness at the Magos's request. Seems he prefers to perform his computing in peace and quiet and does not mind being part of Trazyn's collection.
* Stole [[Gorkamorka]] for his Angelis display. From The Infinite and The Divine "Trukks and buggies howled corkscrews across the display, ripping across the desert shanty town built around the enormous idol of Gork – or Mork.
* Played a practical joke on [[Orikan the Diviner]] by unleashing a genestealer on him.
** Said genestealer survived the encounter and went on to infect and raise a cult on the planet which attacked a visiting naval battlegroup [[grimdark|leading to the planet being exterminatused]].
* Played another practical joke on [[Orikan the Diviner]] by unleashing a brood of catachan devils on him.
* [https://regimental-standard.com/2021/03/10/flawless-crisis-instructions-for-humans/ Briefly stole control of the Regimental Standard] in an attempt to trick Guardsmen into making themselves easier to collect.
[[File:Bfg-2-trazyn.jpg|800px|center|thumb|A man of culture always enjoys a tour for his collection...]]

==Things on Trazyn's 'Must Have' List (and how to get some of them, perhaps.) (He denies having them so far, but you can never be sure without going to check...)==
[[File:TrazynAndDiomedes.jpg|thumb|right|300px|There can only be one true magpie.]]
* The lost master molds for Cursed City
* Old One Eye's lost eye (Hire Bile to vatgrow it)
* Kartoth the Bloodhunger, both so he can say he won the game as well as rip holes to go back in time for more collecting.
* [[Abaddon]]. No, really, that's (one of) the reason(s) he came to Cadia in the first place: he wants to add the Warmaster of Chaos to his collection! (Last seen near Vigilus, should team up with the Ultramarines since the Planet Killer is coming there)
* [[Saint Celestine]]. (Go read The ''Fall of [[Cadia]]'', this is not a joke! Also, not that hard, he just kill her, keeps the body while she reincarnates somewhere else)
* A lock of the Emperor's hair (Assuming it hasn't rotted away by the time he gets to Terra). (Again, can be vatgrown by Bile in exchange of.. something)
* An Ork Time Machine, originally belonging to Grizgutz.
* <s>[[Magnus the Red|Magnus the Red's]] favourite eye.</s> Magnus has agreed to provide things for his collection in exchange for being left intact
* An 8th edition Sisters of Battle codex. (done)
** An 8th edition box set of plastic sisters. Yes, he's the reason the November 2019 set sold out so early.
*Anyone atheist in Age of Sigmar, if not then a dwarf from the Kharadron Overlords will suffice.
* The [[Sanguinor]] in a stasis field.
* <s>A living Tyranid zoo (no stuffed dolls for our old collector). Would be much easier to accomplish if 'Nids didn't try to keep the fuck away from Necrons and their worlds.</s> Never mind. He gave up on this one after his specimens broke out of their exhibit and nom-med half of Solemnace. He's currently attempting to redo it on another planet near Solemnace.
* One of each type of Eldar Aspect Warrior, arranged in complementing color order.
* Each [[Phoenix Lord]], including the fallen Ahra or Drazhar (just in case he's Ahra); bonus points for the originals. Otherwise, something from them, such as one of [[Asurmen]]'s twin-linked [[Shuriken Catapult]]s or a lock of [[Jain Zar]]'s hair (bonus points for getting things from all of their incarnations).
* A signed autograph from each Primarch. (Still asking [[Orikan the Diviner|Orikan]] for "access" to his time machine so he can get one from [[Ferrus Manus]], [[Horus]], [[Sanguinius]], and [[Konrad Curze]] since they're all presently busy being dead.)
* A signed autograph from each chaos god, preferably without stains or switcharoo.
* A sweet ride so he can cruise the galaxy looking for new junk.
* The [[Baneblade#Fortress of Arrogance|Fortress of Arrogance]], preferably with [[Commissar Yarrick]] as well.
* [[Sammael|Sammael's]] Jetbike.
* A [[Pauldron|shoulder pad]] from each space marine chapter (Pre-heresy legions and post-heresy chapters all together of course, going for the complete set!)
* A Space Marine from each of the first Legions (this collection would be easily finished if not for the fact that he can't find any marines from the two missing legions).
* The two missing legions.
* [[Mary Sue|Those meddling kids - and that stupid dog!]]
* <s>A painting of one of the Emprah, Tzeentch, Cegorach, and the Deceiver's card games.</s> Creed provided him a holovid of the game that got him banned. He is content with this, And believes that Creed should be unbanned
* A circus filled with nothing but Eldar Harlequins.
* The <s>school report and childhood items</s> first set of kid-sized slave shackles of Asdrubael Vect.
* Urien Rakarth's first torture kit.
* An Avatar of Khaine. He's probably killed one, given how Geedubs keeps jobbing them, but the fact that their remains melt away and reform on the Craftworld - similar to how Necrons phase out - means Trazyn hasn't gotten one yet.
* A garage filled with one of each type of the Imperial Guard's tanks.
*A Daughter of Khaine and a Khorne berzerker with Hemophobia side by side.
* A feather from Sanguinus's wings. (Dante has one in stasis)
* An Imperial Titan that has been CREEEEEEEDed.
** A snap shot of the look on Abaddon's face upon seeing aforementioned Titan in the middle of his battle line, shouting CREEEEEEEED
* Abbadon's arms. Creed hid them so well that even Trazyn is having trouble finding them.
* A matching pair of [[Angry Marine]] Powerfeet.
* A pair of a Sisters Of Battle Canoness Regulation Holy Panties from each Order, stolen from their quarters while they are asleep. Surprisingly hard to pull off (fnar fnar), even for Trazyn.
* A set of [[Lelith Hesperax|Lelith Hesperax's]] combat attire after she's been in a fight. This is even harder to pull off than the Sisters of Battle Canoness Regulation Holy Panties.
* One of the fingers from the Talon of Horus. (Will have to force-grip Abaddon very hard)
* Slaanesh's entire porn collection. While no planet is big enough to hold all that porn, that's what parallel dimensions are for!
* One of Ferrus Manus's hands. He isn't picky which.(Not sure if Vulkan completely destroyed it)
* An [[Imperial Knight]] from each house.
* The Panacea STC.
** And since [[Lady Malys]] got there first, anything cool she owns, as well as a selfie with her before and after she realizes he stole her stuff.
* The Eye of Horus. As in the ''actual'' Eye.(Again, Bile can make one)
* The [[Eye of Terror]] and everything in it.
* Commander [[Puretide]] and/or [[Farsight|all]] [[Shadowsun|of his]] [[Shas'O Kais|students]].
* A calm and rational [[World Eaters|World Eater]] marine.
* A clean and disease-free [[Death Guard]] marine.(Hello [[Nathaniel Garro]])
* A [[Emperor's Children]] marine who shows restraint.(Hello [[Saul Tarvitz]], maybe already got him that's why they never found the body?)
* <s>A live and fleshy non-sorcerer [[Thousand Sons|Thousand Son]] marine. (As of Ahriman: Unchanged, there was one of these, and as of Gathering Storm Yvraine made a dozen more before throwing them into the Warp)</s> Provided by [[Magnus The Red]] in exchange for a deck of cards
* <s>A [[Night Lords]] Marine that is actually friendly to be around.</s> Has also been provided by [[Magnus The Red]] in exchange for the same deck of cards.
* An atheist [[Word Bearers]] marine
* A [[Kharn|certain]] swell guy.
** A picture with said swell guy
* Remnants of the Inquisitorial acolyte who died of old age. Ones aged by a [[Hrud|Hrud's]] entropic field do not count.
* The Doomsday Clock from [[The Last Church]].
** <s>Also Uriah himself.</s> After finding out he’s a chaos worshiper he has changed his mind.
*The cure for the [[Red Thirst]].(Hello Rubicon Primaris, maybe)
**A photo of The Blood Angels' shocking reaction when Trazyn smashes the cure in front of them. (Bonus for [[Dante]]'s reaction with his mask off)
* The cure for the Curse of the Wulfen.(Hello again, Rubicon Primaris, maybe)
** A photo of The Space Wolves' shocking reaction when Trazyn smashes the cure in front of them. (Bonus of [[Logan Grimnar]] shaving his beard in shame)
* The right hands of [[Helbrecht]], [[Eldorath Starbane]] and anyone else who had their right hands cut off by Imotekh.
* At least one [[Jokaero]].(shouldn't be that difficult as even a Catachan team managed to got one during the Pandorax Campaign)
** And anything they make/modify.
* As many [[Catgirl|catgirls]] as possible.
** Along with a selfie with each of them.
*** And as many [[Kitsune|kitsunes]] as possible, along with selfies and a shrine to their name.
* Any 100% reliable information about Alpha Legion.
* Any 100% reliable information about Alfa Legion.
*A recording of an Idoneth Deepkin talking in a pirate accent.
* The Blood Ravens Armoury. Since most of the above was already "gifted" to the Chapter. Not to mention there are quite a few things listed here that may be in there in the first place
* A machine to control the [[Warp]] so he can create impossible things. (Either the Golden Throne or the Tuchulcha engine may do the trick)
* A complete and unblemished cosmetic kit 'gifted' by a [[Pretty Marines]]' Company Captain, still with a wrapping bow attached. (Getting one each from both Loyalist and Chaos Pretty Marines Captains would be even better!)
* The very [[Ethereal|Ethereals]] who united the [[Tau]] race back when they were limited to only their homeworld, or their bodies...or severed heads.
* One of each type of Imperial Assassin in the position they held before trying to kill him. This wouldn't be so problematic if it wasn't for the fact that he has yet to convince the Assassinorium to send a Culexus assassin against him.
* A 1st Edition copy of the [[Codex Astartes]] with Roboute Guilliman's autograph on the dust jacket. (Guilliman probably has one)
** A 1st Edition copy of the [[Lectitio Divinatus]] with Lorgar's signature on the dust jacket to sit directly opposite the Codex. (Again Guilliman, if you are not that picky in terms of what "1st edition" means)
* A recording of Warboss [[Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka|Ghazghkull]] famous: "Wez gonna Waagh!"speech.
* A prison capable of holding [[Cypher]], containing the man himself.
* <s>A STC detailing how to finally have enough Dakka</s>. '''*KRUMP* HERE...HERESESS...BLOODY 'ELL WHOTEVER DAT WORD IS YOU 'UMIES KEEP SAYIN' BEFORE Y'SHOOTS STUPIDER 'UMIES!'''
* <s>An interdimensional portal device so he can collect artifacts from Warhammer Fantasy.</s> Done as he managed to get an STC of Steam with a Total Warhammer series warp-powered bunch of keys.
* <s>An interdimensional portal device so he can collect artifacts from Lord of the Rings.</s> (Trazyn has now accomplished this according to some writefaggotry posted on fanfiction.net. Much nerd [[rage]] shall ensue. You have been warned.)
* You.
* <s>An interdimensional portal device so he can collect artifacts from Star Wars.</s> (He has also accomplished this due to MORE Writefaggotry on Fanfiction.net.)
* An interdimensional portal device so he can collect artifacts from Star Trek (Risky, considering the technologies in Star Trek, he just might actually end up as a collectible himself or be tracked back to his home dimension).
* An interdimensional portal device so he can collect artifacts from the Mass Effect universe (<s>Doable, but risky if he ever crosses paths with the Reapers</s> Reapers are small fry compared to anything the Necrons can throw around, he'll be fine).
* A TARDIS so he can learn the name of The Doctor (Riskier than Star Trek because of the technologies involved. Also, if anyone could track Trazyn back to his home dimension and thoroughly wreck his shit it'd be The Doctor).
* An interdimensional portal device so he can collect artifacts from the Marvel Universe (main timeline).
* An interdimensional portal device so he can collect artifacts from the DC Universe (main timeline).
* An interdimensional portal device so he can collect artifacts from the Halo universe (dangerous because of Master Chief and his damn luck).
* The body of a Dwarf [[Slayer]] who died of old age.
* <s>All the NON-Grimdarkness of the 41st millennium in a bottle. So nothing in bottle then.</s> Already done.
* [[Temperus Maximus]]' Adamantium Cigar. Trazyn almost managed to loot this, but Temperus suddenly called an Orbital Strike on top of himself before this happened. Temperus' armor received minor scorch marks when the strike ended and Trazyn's body double was obliterated.
* One marine from each chapter of the cursed founding.
* A [[Death Korps of Krieg]] gas mask serial number 0000000000000000000000001.
* Names, addresses and personal phone numbers of the two unknown Primarchs.
* Cardinal Anton Fedelicus and his collected writings, which if introduced would have allowed for a very large degree of sexual freedom to have been integrated into the ecclesiarchical theology without increasing the risk of Slaaneshi corruption.
* A living [[Astral Knights|Astral Knight]].
* A "lucky" [[Lamenters]] marine (also count as one of the cursed founding collection).
* A working time travel device created by the [[Ordo Chronos]] ([[heresy|if it was ever made]]). The purpose for this device being -- you guessed it -- collect more artifacts from the past.
* His own body double in an alternative universe, if only he did not manage to turn into [[JoJo's Bizarre Adventure|dimensional sponge]] in the process or lost to his alternative self in a collection contest.
* A lock of hair from each of the [[Tarkus|infamous]] [[Boreale|baldraven]] [[Diomedes|marines]].
* A "My First Assault Cannon" box set (Even better if unopened).
* A photo of the Emperor as a boy.
* As well as all of his photographic recordings scattered throughout time, whether it is rock scribble from the stone age or painting in the Renaissance Era or those Youtube video he has made back in 20XX.
* A [[Squat]].
* A living Boneripper (plenty of chance since Thanquol is still around in Age of Sigmar).
* The personal battle standard of [[Gabriel Angelos]] used at his ascension to chapter master.
** The Blood Ravens also want one of Trazyn's personal banners. Negotiations are ongoing.
* An Ogryn's 'Guardsman's Primer: Colouring Book Edition' and matching 'The Great Crayon Crusade' coloring set.
* The oldest dreadnought of each Space Marine chapter.
* [[Samus]]' armor.
* A body-pillow of [[Lolicron|Cathy]] (Original prefered)
* The Entire First and Second Seasons of "If The Emperor had a text-to-speech device" on blu-ray signed by Chapter Master Alfabusa.
* Chapter Master Alfabusa in a stasis chamber.
* Limited collectors edition of Half life 3 (After all, it's only been 38,000 years in development, maybe Valve will finish it before chaos/da WAAAAGH/the Tyranids/Imotekh's ego consumes the entire galaxy!)
* [[Sly Marbo|Sly Marbo's]] personal pistol, though not even Trazyn is willing to try and collect it.
* An actual ork sniper.</s> '''WAAAAAAAAGH!!! WHERE DIS LITTLE GIT I'LL KRUMP EM LIKE A BUG!'''
* A Butlin-Class Titan.
* The [[Men of Iron|Man of Iron]].
* <s>The Cigar Creed always chews but never smokes.</s> Acquired as part of the new Creed exhibit.
* The legs from an Imperial Sentinel (must have attachment for his own legs)
*A picture of Sigmar hugging Draconithon
* A list of names of <s>the fallen to wave at the Dark Angels</s> COMPLETELY UNRELATED TRAITOR MARINES THAT JUST LIKE WEARING BLACK AND RED AND WINGED SWORDS.
* A ham personally provided by the Ordo Draigo.
* A book borrowed from the black library with a selfie of him and Cegorach.
* A picture of himself before he turned to Necron. (just print his memories, he is an android, duh)
* The best pole dancer in the Commorragh in a stasis chamber (that was [[Yvraine]] at one point, so her).
* The best pole dancer out of all Slaanesh cultists in a stasis chamber.
* A photograph of a Cyclonic torpedo the moment it impacts the ground.
* A group photo of Thunder Warriors with Arik Taranis and the Emperor.
* An acknowledgement from GW that [[Malal]] does indeed exist.
* An actual affordable GW Warhammer 40k miniature from any faction.
* An undisputably good codex from any faction.
* [[Carlos McConnell]], or at least one of his catgirls, in a stasis chamber.
* A jar of [[Skub]].
* The book "[[Standard Template Construct]]" for dummies.
* Sensible [[Blood Angels]].
* Hairless [[Space Wolves]]. Being shaven doesn't count, the Marine has to be hairless naturally.
* A copy of Battletoads.
* The Statue of Liberty, shrunk to 10 feet size and taken from Nova Yourk hive of Merica.
* Blueprint of [[Angron]]'s Butcher's Nails.
* A WW2 Era Luger pistol, original.
* Enough Blood for the [[Khorne|Blood God]].
* <s>Enough Skulls for the Skull Throne.</s> THERE ARE NEVER ENOUGH SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE, LOYALIST SCUM!
* One of Roboute Guilliman's new [[Primaris Marines|Super Space Marines]].
* A Pokeball that can hold a C'tan.
* A living member of the Interex.
* A Picture of Eldrad and Vect trying to out-dick one another.
* An STC that has technology that will allow him to do some Dark Eldar Drugs.
* A video of Nemesor Zahndrekh putting on glasses and realizing that he is now a Skeleton Robot and the Other Necrontyr are not what they seemed to be
* An member of an Alien race the Imperium actually gets along with. (<s>Pretty damn impossible.</s> Also [[Yvraine]]; two birds, one stone)
* A being with an anal circumference large enough to fit his throbbing ego.
* An Ork who can actually think. Word has it [[War of the Beast|he might need to go back in time for that...]]
* <s>DLC for Dawn of War III.</s> Got that on the same sale he got the keys for TW:WH.
* An Autograph from [[Nagash]].
* A video of Yarrick taking over the Orks. (<s>Only a Matter of time now</s> [[wat|It's mentioned in the 8E rulebook that the Orks and Humans on Armageddon formed an alliance to fight chaos, so this is pretty much canon for now.]])
* The Golden Throne. That means Trazyn is not allowed on Holy Terra.
* [[Belisarius Cawl]]. Bonus points if he collects the Alpha Primus as well.
* <s>Enough DAKKA.</s>'''WUT DID WE SAY 'BOUT DAT?'''
* The name and address of the Ork that keeps Dakka blocking him.
* An official GW/[[The Ninth Age]] tournament. Will require some dimensional traveling since the latter started distancing itself from being 9th Edition WHFB.
** An official WHFB tournament that uses [[Warhammer Armies Project]] rules.
* [[Farsight#The_Dawn_Blade|The Dawn Blade]].
* A clone of [[Fabius Bile]], not as an exhibit but just to make conversation with. He nearly got one if Fabius Bile didn't decide to trade him his Fulgrim clone instead.
* [[Lorgar|Lorgar's]] diary, the single largest source of [[heresy]] in the universe. He puts this one off due to the aura of discomfort that radiates from anything Lorgar has touched.
* A portal into an alternate past reality where GW doesn't constantly use the Eldar as fluffy punching bags, and where xenos factions actually get as much attention as [[Space Marine|GeeDub's poster boys.]]
* A pyrophobic [[Salamanders (Chapter)|Salamander]].
* The Emperor's text-to-speech device.
* The Emperor's left eye.
* The Emperor’s right bollock.
* [[Old Man Henderson|Old Man Henderson's]] gnomes.
* Old Man Henderson's player.
* Old Man Henerson's Backstory of Doom.
* All Nintendo World Championship cartridges, both regular and gold.
* One of those [[Noise Marine]] sonic guns that looks like a sweet guitar.
* A member of the Death Korps of Krieg with self-preservation instincts.
* A living [[Sensei]].
* The only known Platypus to achieve the rank of Inquisitor along with his arch-nemesis: a bumbling non-chaotic heretek pharmacist.
* A set of [[Rogue Trader]] era [[Beakie]] Armor.
* A picture of Gorkamorka turning into Gork and Mork
* The rest of the Blackstone Fortresses.
* [[Commissar Fuklaw|Commissar Fuklaw's]] cap.
* [[Cultist-chan]] in a sound-proof cell.
* A recording of Tzeentch saying [[JUST AS PLANNED]] in every known language (would've been done sooner, but Tzeentch keeps speaking in languages that he claims are created in the future or he might be making up, just to troll Trazyn).
* One of [[Dranon|Dranon's]] cigars.
* [[Ciaphas Cain]] HERO OF THE IMPERIUM's missing fingers.
* A beer worth defending.
* A sextape of Cain and Amberley.
* Two copies of Shadow War: Armageddon. The second one will be a backup 'Just in case' copy.
* Some [[Primaris Lieutenant|Primaris Lieutenants]]. There is so many right now nobody is gonna notice some of them go missing.
* Roboute's body pillow of Yvraine.
* Yvraine's vibrator that she got while on Ultramar. UltraMarine sanctioned.
* The [[Silent King]]'s Sanguinus mask.
* A "Miniature" of an Emperor Class Titan in regular 40k scale.
* Dio Brando with a ROAD ROLLER DAAAAA!!!
* Kitten's Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker deck.
* Kitten himself.
* A picture of Kitten and Shadowsun kissing.
* Shadowsun's bodysuit after a fight.
* [[Commissar Yarrick]]'s right arm
* Assholetep's robes. The only thing stopping is the fact that if Trazyn accomplished this, Assholetep would immediately assume it's Trazyn and wreck his collection, so Trazyn's put this on the backburner.
* Every single person who had edited this page. Don't! I'm edi--
* Aged Japanese soy sauce.
* Some more paper and a pencil for more lists. And Lord Admiral Spire to complete his Imperial collection.
* All the Pokémons.
** And all of the shiny versions too.
* A clear, accurate, unedited photograph of a Diglett's body.
* The official single extended version of the Tattered Sails Shanty signed by [[Luthor Harkon]].
* The Mona Lisa (will probably have to infiltrate the Imperial Palace).
* Evidence of [[Cypher]]'s true identity.
* A 1990s Holographic Charizard Pokémon Card.
* One Sergeant "Jinxie" Penlan, ideally in the process of tripping over something and preferably not somehow messing up half the collection because of it.
* An ork that doesn't want to fight.
* A gretchin that's stronger than an ork
* One of the Artifacts of Vulkan.
*[[Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure|A Road Roller,Da.]]
* The most basic soldier of the most powerful and advanced human faction during the [[Dark Age of Technology]], just to see how much he stands up to warriors of the present.
* And some good Matt ward fluff. Besides himself. Permanently placed at the bottom of the list because even he has his limits.
*A squid that hasn't fucked a Japanese School Girl.
*Eric Andre.
* Watch Master Bilbus from Death Watch Vita Nova
* A purple Ork.
* The Declaration of Independence (original edition).
* Any person, who likes Erebus
* A plasma gun, that has the ability to re-roll 1's naturally or a stable Imperial plasma weapon (either will do).
* C.S. Gotto, so he may never write anything again (thx Trazyn)
* Wukong from Warframe charged by four TSAR bombs
* Rogal Dorn’s other hand.
* Original downloads of every 40K fan animation before the daemon Ga’Mez-wark’Sh’op banished them and their creators to the warp for absorption and cursed the survivors.
* All of the original creators of 40k fan animation before said banishment.
* 5 Revenant robots (from apex legends) (as backup bodies of course).
* A Technophobic Techpriest.
* A Vegan Tyranid.
* Schrödinger’s cat.
* Your mum.
* And a partridge in a pear treeee!

==Ever-increasing Trazyn's aliases List==
*Arsène Lupin
*Pepe
*Bob The regular non-necron guardsman.
*Bob the Builder
*The Fat Controller
*Sir Toppham Hatt
*Every notable persons from your childhood
*Borris the generic soul-less warrior
*Phaeron Imothephek the Thunderboltlord.
*Onionkyr the Voyager.
*Nemesor Zahnpasta.
*The Grinch who stole EVERYTHING.
*Vanguard O'Brien.
*El Bandido Dickbag de la Muerte
*Trellsin the Singular.
*[https://youtu.be/v4Y4QBL5Fmg Bender][https://youtu.be/OWPfcEOr2Yg Bending Rodríguez]
*Necropimp
*The most fabulous Necron of them all (after he said this, Sanguinius appeared before him and told him that if he ever said the word fabulous again, he would steal everything he owns)
*Illuminor Spookyras.
*Notc'tan the Diviner.
*Sissy Rack the Loud Queen.
*Dio Brando/ZA WARUDO.
*Thanquol the (In)Competent.
*Marisa Kirisame
*Shas'O Wi A'bu.
*Inquisitor Emprah of Catachan.
*Anon Y. Mouse.
*Captain Inkoc Nito.
*Dirty Dan
*Pinhead Larry
*Winona Ryder
*The Tin White Douche
*Dean Isle.
*Kaz Miller.
*Mideer Laydee.
*Eliphas the inheritor.
*Commissar Hugh Mann.
*Korporal Dick Goesinzya.
*Canoness Ivanna Purgealot.
*High Scout Henrick Day-o-midis.
*Farsighter Loldrad Gretchinbane.
*Lord-sergeant Ultramarius Sicarius.
*Archservitor Robotnik Wilhelm.
*Warboss Ghozkull Grotstealer.
*Skitarius Ranger Alpha Stroheimus JJ-1337.
*Archon Kim Ke.
*Trashbin the incompetent
*Suede O'Niim.
*John Smith.
*Alan Smithee.
*Kyon.
*Ned Cron.
*Mouse M.D.
*Victor Domashev.
*Bernie Madoff
*Carmen Sandiego
*Lara Craft
*Master Thief
*Sir Welland Dowde
*High Admiral tankcommander Pascual.
*Techpriest 01110100 01110010 01100001 01111010 01111001 01101110 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101001 01101110 01100110 01101001 01101110 01101001 01110100 01100101 00001010 .
*Gordon Freeman.
*Mr. Roboto.
*Nyzart the ending
*Nafqa.
*Sly Cooper
*The God emperor of Mankind.
*Mac Tonight.
*The G-man.
*Venom Snake.
*He-Man.
*Skeltor
*Iron Man.
*Albert Wesker
*Gabe Newell.
*SLYYYY MARBOOO!! (When Trazyn assumed this disguise, every necron in the segmentum had a Catachan Fang spontaneously appear in its skull and teleported to self repair, and the knife that appeared in Trazyn's hands had "I'll let you off this time" written on the grip."
*Big Boss Final
*Zharn the Bee Trainer
*Tray the Model Man
*[[matt_ward|Matt Ward's]] dignity
*BIg BobbyG.
*alpharius.
*not omegon.
*the London Jets
*pantheon of 40k (GW)
*Belisarius Cawl
*JOHN CENA!!!
*The Immortal Jod Emper of Space-skeletonkind
*Spartacus
*Danger Powers
*The Second Coming of Matt Ward
*Fresh Prince of Ultramar
*The King of Games
*Mr E. Man
*The real thief of the Primarchs
*Sister Superior Wendy
*Chaplin Hamburglar
*The Doctor
*Thief Khee'Bler
*Norm L. Pearson
*The Lord of the [[Squats]]
*<S>Waldo</s> Wally
*The God Emperor of Mankind
*Ol’ Funnybones
*T-8 Double Zero
*Systems model 101
*Hugh Mann
*The Necron emperor of Necronkind
*The next door neighbour who is a hoarder
* YOU THIEVING BASTARD!
*Commander Griefouz
*Our Lord and Saviour
*Generic Robot #3775123
*Trashy the Incontinent
*Jimmy Neuron
*Lieutenant Crunch
*Mor'Dakka
*Alice Turning
*Shiro The Black
*Kuro The White
*Pha'Keen Weeb
*Fabricator General ES-7C
*High Lord Servitus Tenticulus Corpuscori
*Fleet Admiral Squatbar
*Jabba Da Pump
*Canoness Phat As'h
*Sister Jhail Bate
*Inquisitor Bigideas
*Huxley
*Torbin Zixx
*Sigmar Freudian
*Dr.Ankh Scotchman
*Machine Spirit R2-D2
*Clifford The Big Red Murder Beast
*Big Mac
*Chaplain Charles Chaplin
*Larry The Cable Guy
*NVIDIA GeForce GTX 970 4GB GDDR5 PCI Express 3.0 Graphics Card
*Bed Bath and Beyond Store Manager
*Rick Sanchez
*Morty Sanchez
*Stupid fucking robot that keeps stealing my shit, god damn I hate this guy
*TI 84
*Steve from accounting.
*Mark
*Senetor Armstrong.
*Living Embodiment of the ancient terran british museum

==Fall of Cadia==
Oddly enough, it appears that Trazyn decided to 'aid' the Imperium in their defense of Cadia (he decided that after 60 million years it would be interesting to play the hero for once). He knows the secrets of the Pylons on Cadia, and he even releases Imperium people from his collection (represented in game by letting you deep strike units, if you take Trazyn in your Imperium army). What a great guy giving up his collection to have more space for other exotic exhibits...
Specifically he got the feeling that something was coming after the Bell of Saint Gersthal started chiming in his collection (in Necron stasis, which shouldn't have been able to happen), messing with the programs of his Tomb World, breaking a bunch of priceless and unique shit, ruining it with [[Lulz|leaking coolant]], as it rang thirteen times before ceasing. Trazyn, perhaps more befuddled than irate, but really quite put off, promptly headed off to the Celestial Orrery on Thanatos, having to explain having stolen ''their'' shit the last time he was there, just to see what the fuck was going on (but not before casting the bell into the webway, [[Troll|hoping it would be as much of a pain in the Eldar's ass as it was his]]). And what do you know, there was but the Crons' watching over the thing could do nothing about it cause they were just meant to watch over the thing, not play galactic peacekeepers (although they eventually let him in, the guards weren't happy that Trazyn was there, due to an incident where some priceless artifact mysteriously went missing the last time he visited). Thus Trazyn decided to take up the role as a savior for once (mostly because he was bored and wanted to try something other than grave-robbing), and find the source of the corruption, which happened to be the little boring world of Cadia.

Long story short, Trazyn went off to Cadia released some parts of his collection (most notably Inquisitor Greyfax, though that is mostly just because his old Pen Pal Valeria was apparently killed by another human), and helped the Imperial forces screw around with the Pylons. Which somewhat backfired to put it lightly, though not that it mattered much to him because he stopped caring about playing the hero role and figured that while he was around he could find something for his collection to commemorate such a historic moment. And while he was originally hoping to claim Abaddon for his collection, his second choice was no less impressive.

''Creed stands alone on the ruined surface of Cadia. He sees a metal giant in a scaled cloak in front of him, hand outstretched.''

''"Ursarkar E. [[Creed]] - This is not your end. Eternity Awaits"....''

His current activities are mostly unknown, but he's been tapping into his pet C'tan shard for information about the Great Rift. It's implied that he has something rather outre in mind as he doesn't want to close it but to enter it safely himself..

==Inner Sadness of Trazyn==

Despite being such a 'happy' guy Trazyn is clearly hiding many things from everyone. He laments just how stale Necron society has become, unable to make or appreciate art and music. Just like the Tomb Kings of Fantasy, Trazyn has realized that immortality and technology alone isn't enough to make life worth living.

Trazyn's collection of artifacts and history is a way for him to cope with his loss of memories, of identity and a lost sense of purpose. That's true Grimdark there. While he likely stole most of them, Trazyn expresses genuine grief and outrage when Orikan destroys several ancient - as in pre-biotransference - Necrontyr relics in Trazyn's galleries (especially a walking cane topped with a hawk-head handle that actually belonged to Trazyn).

While he admires and wants to be a colleague to [[Orikan the Diviner|Orikan]], he can't help screwing him over (violence and untreated kleptomania aren't good for relationships) even when it would be disadvantageous for him and his people. Despite being a fictional alien-turned-machine, Trazyn shows just how easy and damning it can be to fall in the pitfalls of life and how it can be more depressing than death.

==Humanity through Trazyn's eyes==

The novel ''The Infinite and the Divine'' reveals more of Trazyn's thoughts on mankind. On one hand he points out how in a Galaxy populated by Orks, Eldar, Tyranids and so many born predators and monsters mankind has prevailed to become the dominant species in a way similar to the ancient Necrontyr. Although humans are so short-lived and fragile he also notices how, like the Necrontyr, they have managed to create a vibrant culture. Every world they inhabit has managed to produce at least ''something'' worthy of being recorded for posterity in the galleries of Solemnace.

He even attempted to convince his rival, Orikan the Diviner that the humans of Serenade and their culture had some intrinsic value. Orikan, being Orikan and a generally cantankerous fellow, wasn’t convinced.

On the other hand he is not entirely without empathy toward humans either. First off he points out how fear is a poor substitute for good leadership and rewarding loyal service, actually ensuring his enthralled human has a far better long life than what his salary and position at the Administratum would have otherwise allowed him. Apparently, Trazyn didn't see why he should make his thrall's existence worse, and despite said thrall being mind-shackled, Trazyn was reasonably sure it was a largely superfluous contingency for a generally willing, competent, and loyal servant. Secondly there is a point in the novel when the human thrall, soon to be silenced as he reached the end of his usefulness, gives thanks to Trazyn for how he helped him and his family and then asks if he was going to destroy his world. Trazyn, remembering how beautiful was the planet's ecosystem before the Imperium colonized it, asks in return if he would actually need to do such a thing when humans were already killing the planet through ruthless resource exploitation. True to Trazyn’s word, the servant’s subsequent termination, while immensely painful, was mercifully brief.

Trazyn has even stated that he would actually like to keep some humans as vassals if the necrons ever managed to bring back the Infinite Empire, as they would be an endless source of amusement and surprise for the rest of eternity.

== See Also ==

* [http://images.wikia.com/heman/images/b/bc/Skeletor.jpg Compare and contrast, comrades.]
* [http://youtu.be/jJh5PETGihs?t=10m16s Epic duel ahead.]
* [https://soundcloud.com/calvin-turner-606722642/trazyn-the-infinite An audio recording of his infamous letter.] N.B Lost in the warp, and we all know who to blame for that now don't we?
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XVghX8opHJU The infamous robot magpie himself finally has a voice actor!]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HT5mWEWTb6A Trazyn National Anthem]

[[Category: Warhammer 40,000]]

[[Category: Xenos]]

[[Category: Necrons]]

{{Necrons-Characters}}

Commissar Fuklaw

2021-11-15T02:56:24Z

2601:449:8280:2630:98A6:8027:1751:4353: /* Gallery */

[[Image:COMISSARFUCKLAWFUCKWIN.jpg|thumb|right|REASONABLY EXPLOITABLE]]

'''Commissar John Fuklaw''' is a commissar attached to the [[Angry Marines]] chapter, trained by [[Commissar Raege]].

The [[Angry Marines]] have a [[Commissar]] because Fuklaw was too damn angry to be put anywhere else. After the Angry Marines saw him in action, they started recruiting from his homeworld. Since the Angry Marines are too skull-on-dick insane to retreat, he rarely has any problems with morale issues with them, and has adapted his role to inspire greater levels of rage in his comrades. In short, being out-done by a shiteating old man pisses the Angry Marines off to no end and drives them to fight even harder.

[[File:Commissar Fuklaw with baby anabella.jpeg|500px|left|'' SEE ANABELLA!!! THIS IS WHAT’S KNOCK AS A FUCKING HERETIC!!!'']]

To date, he is the <s>third</s> fourth commissar in Imperial history to join with an Adeptus Astartes chapter. The others being [[Commissar Yarrick|Yarrick]], [[Commissar Dan|Dan]], and [[Ciaphas Cain|Cain]]. For extra laughs, read his lines in the voice of that crazy teacher with the eyeball from [[Daria 40k|Daria]]. The Commissar's detailed biography can be found [[Life_and_Death_of_John_Fuklaw|here]].

==Codex: Commissar Fuklaw 7th Edition==
{| border=1 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=4 align=left
|- valign=top
! Name !! Points !! WS !! BS !! S !! T !! W !! I !! A !! Ld !! Sv !! Unit Type !! Composition
|-
| Commissar Fuklaw|| 150|| 6 || 3 || 3 || 4 || 3 || 3 || 3 || 10 || 4+ || Infantry (Character) || 1 (Unique)
|}
 

(Why does he have near-MEQ stats? Because he is that angry.)

===Wargear===
*Carapace armor
*Bolt pistol
*Chainsword
*Frag and Krak grenades
*Twisted Lump of Metal/Iron Halo

Options:
*His Chainsword may be upgraded to a "Master Fuck Fist", a master-crafted powerfist, for an additional +25 points.
*may exchange his Bolt Pistol for another ranged weapon from the '''Ranged Weapons''' list. He may also exchange his Chainsword for another melee weapon from the '''Close Combat Weapon''' list.
*may take items from the '''Special Wargear''' list.

===Special Rules===
*Inspiring Rage!!!
*It Will Not Die
*Eternal Warrior
*Honorary Angry Marine: Despite not undergoing the surgeries and treatments needed for a human to be a Space Marine, Fuklaw's inhuman rage for everything and savage combat skills has allowed him to match up Angry Marines in combat, cursing, and anger, a feat even most Astartes of other chapters cannot hope to match. Temperus Maximus, deeming that Fuklaw is: "PRETTY FUCKING ANGRY ENOUGH IN MY BOOK", has also allowed him to earn the respect of the Angry Marines, treating him as an equal, despite his non-Astartes status.
:*This rule counts Fuklaw as having the Angry Marine special rule.
:
*FUCK YOU POSER: If two opposing armies include Commissar Fuklaw, those models, and the units they are attached to, must, if able, move to get into close combat with each other. Neither unit will retreat until one of Commissar Fuklaws (who is obviously an impostor) is killed.
:
*FUCK HERETICS!: Such is the anger that Commissar Fuklaw has against xenos, mutants and heretics, that he and any unit led by him will fight with redoubled fury against these enemies of the Emprah (as far as Fuklaw is concerned, anyone opposing him is at least one of the three). Commissar Fuklaw, and any unit he is attached to, gains Hatred (everything).
:
*DRIVE ME CLOSER, I WANT TO HIT THEM WITH MY SWORD!!!:
:*Before deployment commences, Commissar Fuklaw may commandeer any friendly non-walker vehicle, even those that normally do not transport models. The original occupants, if any, will have to walk. As long as Fuklaw is on board, the vehicle uses his profile for ranged combat, count as chariot, and must move at least 6" towards the closest enemy unit during its movement phase and attack in close combat if able. If commandeering a normally non-transport unit, Fuklaw cannot accompany a unit, and cannot disembark unless the vehicle is destroyed. When the vehicle is destroyed, it is removed as a casualty but Commissar Fuklaw walks away unscathed and will perform the last action he was doing before his vehicle was destroyed.
:
*Fearless - Fuklaw is totally fucking fearless and never has to take Morale or Pinning tests. He confers this ability to any unit he joins, as they fear him more than any enemy.
:
*Independent Character: Commissar Fuklaw is an independent character and follows all of the rules for characters in the Warhammer 40,000 rulebook. In addition, he cannot join a unit wearing Terminator armor, jump packs, or power feet.
:
*Leader:
:* In addition to his rank of Commissar, Fuklaw is a leader of men. He will not carry out Summary Execution (as any units he joins becomes Fearless), but he will execute a Sanctioned Psyker subject to the It's For Your Own Good! rule. Same goes for Angry Marine Masters of Mindfuckery. Furthermore, Fuklaw may make a ranged attack against any friendly squad within 12" that fails a Morale check (even if he is embarked in a vehicle - if the vehicle normally does not carry troops, Fuklaw will fire its main weapon at his ballistic skill). If that attack kills at least one model, the unit counts as if it had passed the Morale check. If Fuklaw traded his ranged weapon for a close combat weapon, he may only execute squads that are 6" of him. This is due to the fact that close combat weapons generally aren't as lethal as they're meant to be while thrown.
:
*The Hammer of the Emperor - Fuklaw brings back the blunt fury of the Emperor's hammer. Angry "Serfs" may be taken as troop choices.

==Codex: Commissar Fuklaw 8th Edition (from [[Codex - Angry Marines 8th Edition]])==
{| class=wikitable cellspacing=0 cellpadding=4 align=left
|- valign=top
! Name !! M !! WS !! BS !! S !! T !! W !! A !! Ld !! Sv !! Points (Including wargear)
|-
| Commissar Fuklaw || 4" || 2+ || 3+ || 3 || 4 || 4 || 3 || 9 || 4+ || 130
|}
 
{| class=wikitable cellspacing=0 cellpadding=4 align=right
|- valign=top
! Weapon !! Range !! Type !! S !! AP !! D !! Abilities
|-
| Death stare || 3" || Pistol 1 || 4 || -2 || 1 || -
|-
| Commissar-Cane || 18" || Assault 1 || 4 || -1 || 2 || If the target is within half range, change this weapon's Type to Assault 2,
and add 1 to this weapon's Strength.
|-
| Fuklaw’s Chainsword || Melee || Melee || +2 || -2 || 2 || -
|}
Composition: This unit contains only Commissar Fuklaw. (Power Rating 7)

'''Wargear:'''
*Death stare (in the literal sense of the word.)
*Commissar-Cane (a Master-Crafted Shotgun Cane.)
*Fuklaw’s Chainsword
*A Bolt pistol.

'''Abilities:'''
*'''ALWAYS ANGRY!!!'''

*'''Aura of Fuklaw''': Nobody ever flees while Fuklaw’s around, some saw it’s due to the respect he garners, others say that it’s his imposing statue which inspire his troops to fight to the bitter end, most soldiers however, say that it’s the commissars hand twitching next to his bolt pistol, and a gaze so hate filled and disdainful that it can punch through power armour.
**Friendly '''Codex - Angry Marines''' units within 6" of '''Fuklaw''' can re-roll failed Morale tests and cannot suffer any negative modifiers to their Leadership characteristic.

*'''BLAM!!! HERESY!!!:''' Only Fuklaw is enough of a badass to execute Angry Marines. Correction, Fuklaw is the only person who would a) Even consider such a thing, b) Attempt to execute an Angry Marine, and c) Survive the act.
**In the Morale phase, any Friendly '''Imperium''' units that is not a '''Character''' or a '''Vehicle''', that are within 6" of '''Fuklaw''', must make a Morale test regardless of whether it has lost models or not early that turn, and if it makes a roll of 6 (regardless of modifiers) will always result in at least one model being slain. In addition, If a Friendly '''Imperium Psyker''' unit that has 3 or less wounds left (all the wounds each model has in the unit put together) suffers Perils of the Warp whilst within 6" of '''Fuklaw''', they are also executed before anything untoward can happen - the power they were attempting fails, and the '''Imperium Psyker''' unit is slain as a result of Commissar Fuklaw's old trusted Bolt pistol to the head; units within 6" of them do not suffer D3 mortal wounds.

*'''DRIVE ME CLOSER, I WANT TO HIT THEM WITH MY SWORD!!!''': Commissar Yarrick may ride resplendent on his Fortress of Arrogance into battle to inspire his troops, but Fuklaw can be seen clinging to the side of even a Scout Sentinel, swinging his sword like a maniac to mow down pacing heretics.
**If Fuklaw is embarked on a '''Transport''' that is not a Flyer; In the Charge Phase, the '''Transport''' must try to charge the closest enemy unit if possible. In addition, in the Fight Phase, the '''Transport''' may make 3 additional attacks using '''Fuklaw's''' Weapon Skill and Strength characteristics and using his's melee weapon.

*'''FUCK HERETICS!!!''': Such is the anger that Commissar Fuklaw has against xenos, mutants and heretics, that he and any unit led by him will fight with redoubled fury against these enemies of the Emprah (as far as Fuklaw is concerned, anyone opposing him is at least one of the three).
**You can re-roll any failed wound rolls in the Fight Phase for Friendly '''Imperium''' units that are within 6" of Fuklaw.

*'''Twisted Lump of Metal''': An unrecognizable lump of metal that either used to be a Rosarius or an Iron Halo. Fuklaw refuses to disclose what it truly is, saying, "WHO THE FUCK CARES? NOW SHUT UP WHILE I BEAT THIS SLAANESHI FUCKER TO DEATH WITH IT." Whatever it is, it still confers protection upon the wearer as it did when he first received it.
:*Fuklaw has a 5+ invulnerable save.

*'''This old fart just will not die''': Although it is rare, some of the galaxies most powerful foes have at one time or another have levelled a bolt pistol at Fuklaw, pulled the trigger, and watched the aged commissar fall to the ground. Their triumph is cut short however when they discover that a chainsword has been violently shoved up their anus, upon which they realise that Fuklaw wasn’t dead: they’d only succeeded in making him even angrier...
**Each time Commissar Fuklaw is slain, place this model on its side instead of removing it. At the start of your next turn, roll a D6; on a 4+, he regains D3 wounds, and Fuklaw is placed as close to his previous position as possible while remaining more than 1" from any enemy models. If the roll is a 1,2 or 3 Fuklaw will not wake up before the battle is over (remove him as normal).

Faction Keywords: Imperium, Angry, Codex - Angry Marines

Keywords: Infantry, Character, Angry Marine, Commissar, Angry Commissar, Fuklaw

==NOTE==
*Commissar Fuklaw is uncircumcised. Also of Note is that Commissar Fuklaw <s> Lost his Penis fighting a [[Khorne Berserkers|Khorne Berserker]]. (more importantly that Berserker was [[Kharn]], a pretty cool guy)</s> does not need a penis, because he has a badass fucking chainsword, so screw your inferior normal person genitals. Sex is but a distraction anyways.
**Fuklaw's penis is now one of the relics of Khorne (and one of the relics/favourite sex toys of Slaanesh whenever he/she/it/they can get their hands/orifices on it) as Fuklaw's penis is able to penetrate anything in the galaxy as "MY DICK'S AN AP1 WEAPON BITCH!!!".
*Fuklaw throws the best Halloween parties.
*Fuklaw is a fan of Nosferatu.
**Although vampires tell their children scary stories about Commissar Fuklaw hiding under their bed/coffin (this is sometimes even true, such vampires/necrons are never seen again).
*Fuklaw prefers Szechuan and Indian cuisine.
*Fuklaw was purportedly a friend of [[Colonel Greiss]]. This appears to have carried on with his successor; Fuklaw and [[Colonel "Iron Hand" Straken]] are rumored go out drinking at a local Imperial Guard pub whenever they're in the same sector to exchange war stories and news. Fuklaw is even considering inviting Straken to join him, Creed, Yarrick and Sly Marbo for their weekly poker game, an invitation Straken has so far refused from Creed and Yarrick as he says that he will only accept an invitation from Sly Marbo.
*Commissar Fuklaw was made by a drawfag called Gannadene (or Plague of gripes).
* Besides the staring competition Fuklaw won against Sly Marbo he has also beaten him in several games of "destroy a moon by just glaring at it" (Marbo took 1.423 seconds while Fuklaw only took 1.152 seconds) and numerous drinking competitions, although Marbo insists that Fuklaw cheated as his digestive system is actually a miniaturised combustion engine.
* Few Guard regiments actually met the standards placed by Fuklaw when he was assigned to them. Though, these were only first impressions. Within mere DAYS of him joining said regiments, they would later become some of the finest soldiers that ever served the Imperium of Man, even if most only retained one third of their original numbers.
* He supposedly died in 7th edition, but returned when 8th came out. Apparently some mistakes were made, and several medical officials were given a stern reminder about accurate assessments of Imperial commanders (especially from those strangling your senior because of YOUR mistake, mind you). He's now helping the displaced Cadians recover lost numbers and helping the Angry Marines hunt down select champions from Abbadon's assault in the Elysium Fields. Oh yeah, and sorting out those recovering from Cadia's fall with a laspistol.

==See Also==
*[[Life and Death of John Fuklaw]]
*[[Angry Marines]]
*[[Commissar]]
*[https://www.mediafire.com/?hptg125tu221e5d Glorious audio of Commissar Fuklaw redeeming a Chaos Marine.]

==Gallery==
<gallery>
Image:fucklaw.jpg|Commissar Fuklaw in all his glory.
Image:IMPATIENTMARINES.jpg|Not as planned, bitches.
Image:PissCanBloom.jpg|Fuklaw no liek LCB (how is he directing such a potent stream with no wang?)
Image:FuklawIsNotAmused.jpg
Image:Closer.jpg|The "Drive Me Closer" rule in practice.
Image:Commissar Surfing.jpg|Fuklaw practicing for a surfing contest.
Image:FFFFFFFF.jpg|FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
Image:Fuklaw-detail.jpg
Image:Fuklawemperor'sday.jpg|What? You don't like something?
Image:fuklaw-arbys.jpg|I'm thinkin' heresy.
Image:clintfuklaw.png|"Life and Death of John Fuklaw" soon in theaters! Fuklaw played by Clint Eastwood.
Image:fuklawhats.jpg
Image:Hell_Yeah_by_Gannadene.jpg|Nurgle's Greater Daemons are no match!
Image:All time high in celery sales by Mr Culexus.jpg|Watching this cartoon is endorsed by your local [[Commissar|Morale Officer]].
Image:Johnny by MrCulexus.jpg|On a scale of angry to PRETTY FUCKING ANGRY, the Commissar is scoring pretty high today.
Image:Shirtless_fuklaw.gif|Pretty much the man in a nutshell.
File:Tg with OCs.jpg|Commissar Fuklaw (alongside some other /tg/ characters)
</gallery>

[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Imperial]][[Category:Commissars]][[Category:/tg/ 40,000]]

Cadia

2021-11-14T19:37:58Z

2601:449:8280:2630:98A6:8027:1751:4353: /* Cadian Shock Troopers */

{{Awesome}}
[[File:CadiaPlanet.jpg|400px|right|thumb|Cadia, before [[Failbaddon]] [[Exterminatus|dropped a Blackstone on it.]]]]
{{Topquote|Send not your foolish and feeble; send me your strong and your sane — Strong for the red rage of battle; sane for I harry them sore; Send me men girt for the combat, men who are grit to the core.|The Law of the Yukon: by Robert W. Service }}
{{Topquote|The Guard dies but does not surrender!|Pierre Cambronne, general of the First French Empire}}
{{Topquote|Do not go gentle into that good night; rage, rage, against the dying of the light.|Dylan Thomas, Cadian Remembrancer}}
{{Topquote|Cadia is the end and the beginning.|White Dwarf, January 2017}}

'''Cadia''' is, or rather ''was'' an [[Imperial Guard]] fortress world located right beside the [[Eye of Terror]]. Due to being proximate to the only safe warp-passage into and out of the Eye, as well as large Xenos mobilization throughout the sector, it had become a [[fortress world]] and a strategic gem for the [[Imperium of Man]].

==The Planet Itself==
Fortress. That's the one word that can sum up the planet of Cadia. Since it was close neighbors with [[Chaos Space Marines|those nice boys]] from [[Eye of Terror|across the street]], Cadia always needed to be on active defense. All the time one had their [[Lasgun]] shouldered and was twitching from a combination of going 47 hours without sleep and being raised to be paranoid as fuck. Of course, living basically inside the Eye of Terror, it isn't truly paranoia at all, just common sense.

As far as geography goes, Cadia held a temperate climate not unlike the Holy [[Hiveworld]] of [[Terra]]. 70 percent of its surface was covered in bodies of water, and its landmasses were [[Grimdark|covered with bodies of guardsmen]].

If it weren't for the anti-warp pylons holding back the expansions of the Eye of Terror, it would have been subjected to [[Exterminatus]] long before [[Abaddon]] crashed his wrecked [[Blackstone Fortress]] into it. The place was a hellhole even before its destruction. It ''might'' have been a good vacation spot if you '''LIKE''' trenches filled with bodies and tracer fire lighting up your hotel room... on second thought... fuck that shit!

By the way, when we say fortress, we mean fortress. Literally, the entire planet was designed from the ground up to be impossible to invade. First, you have miles of trenches, seas of barbed wire, razor wire, minefields, machine gun bunkers, pillboxes, field guns, and howitzers to dig through. That's the preliminary defensive elements. After that, you have the oh so casual heavy artillery stationed on the enormous walls, with plenty of snipers, riflemen, and angry grandmas throwing anything from macro weapons fire and grenades to rocks and dung buckets at you as you attempt to invade. Once, after losing several million men, you manage to siege the walls and get inside, you enter a labyrinth of streets and corridors, each designed to maximize the defensive advantage of the defending soldiers, meaning that the only way to advance up the street safely is to essentially breach and clear every building, which is also built to function as a small pillbox. Per room. Assuming you clear the ground floor with less than 110% casualties, you then repeat all day long, for weeks on end, until you realize: you took a wrong turn, and have now been cornered by Leman Russes that had a map. While trying to delay your doom, more snipers are on top of the castle tower like roofs shooting down at you, until finally you turn around the corner, and are cut down by a group of kids who decided to kill you as a recreational activity for the Imperial Guard scouts.

Did we mention that all of this just describes the slum district of a minor city? Chaos gods help you if you are attacking a large city, which will likely have all of the above, but multiplied by 12.

==Cadia and you==
[[File:Cadian Cmdr female.jpg|400px|thumbnail|right|Even their officers serve in the frontlines.]]
First, let me start with saying that it [[Khorne|sucked to live on Cadia]]. Oh, you think where you live sucks? Live in a crime infested ghetto or something similar? A couple drive by shootings and a stolen TV are ''nothing'' compared to how much it sucked to live on Cadia. Why does it suck you ask? Oh, not much of a reason at all. Just the fact that it's like, six feet away from the fucking [[Eye of Terror]] (It also sucks to live ''there'', but for many reasons other than Cadia).

It just sucks to live on Cadia, period. Yes, there are several manly, redeeming qualities (see below) about the planet, but if you live on Cadia you're too busy replacing the power pack in your [[Lasgun|flashlight]] after throwing back Monday's Chaos invasion to notice. A short list includes, but is not limited to:

*Being drafted before you can walk, learning to shoot before you can count, and getting thrown in the meat-grinder (mostly figuratively, sometimes literally) by the age of 16.
*Learning how to shoot so young that when you're toilet-trained you're told to aim your dick like it's a lasgun.
*Marauding bands of [[Chaos Space Marines]] and [[Lost and the Damned|assorted heretics]] trying to kill you.
*Random WAAAGH!!!s of [[Orks|greenskins]] trying to kill you.
*Stealthy platoons of [[Eldar|Space Elves]] trying to kill you.
*Your own [[Commissar|superior officers]] trying to ki-{{BLAM|'''*BLAM!*'''}}
*No privacy whatsoever for your entire life.
*Constant fear of death before you reach puberty.
*Constant fear of death during puberty.
*Constant fear of death after puberty, but chances are you'll die before this, have your soul sold to/claimed by a chaos deity and for their lolz spend your death in constant fear of puberty.
*Superior officers barking orders down your neck for all the years that you're alive.
*<s>No time to screw around,</s> you're always on duty. Sometimes said duty is to help train new recruits for their inevitable deaths.
*The top fashions in Cadia are camo patterns and body armor.
*[[Heresy|Heretical]] [[Chaos Cults|cults]] springing up by the dozen every week.
*[[Chaos|Voices]] keep telling you to ditch the duty and [[Slaanesh|relax]], [[Khorne|let loose]], call in [[Nurgle|sick]], or try something [[Tzeentch|different]].
*The fact that the planet's <s>main</s> '''only''' export is Soldiers should clue you in.
*[[Mutant]]s springing up everywhere wanting to try out the new pincer claw they just got on your neck.
*[[Grimdark|Even after you die, Cadia doesn't stop being shitty to you, because once the engraving on your tombstone is illegible, it means you've been dead for so long nobody alive cares about you anymore, so your corpse is dug up and thrown into an incinerator while a fresh corpse is thrown into your hole. And then ''they'' will be dug up and thrown away as well.]]
*Cadia is now destroyed and consumed by the Eye of Terror. If you're still living there, you're either a heretic, a warp entity, fighting a heroic last stand, or really ''really'' unlucky. Scratch that, due to Chaos forces largely moving on, the Imperial Guard forces who made it to secure fortifications rallied and retook the planet AFTER IT WAS DESTROYED. The Guard truly are the manliest men to ever manly.

Seriously, it just sucks to live there, just take my word for it. Avoid prolonged stays on Cadia at all costs.

==Redeeming Qualities==
[[File:Cadian 8th Regiment-small.jpg|500px|thumb|right|Fuckers so hardcore, they take on fieldtrips on other hellhole planets when their own hellhole planet gets too stale.]]
Yes it sucked to live on Cadia, sucks beyond all Hell, but there are several reasons why it was one of the most [[awesome]] places in the Imperium.

===Cadian Shock Troopers===
First and foremost, the [[skub|finest]] (and perhaps most numerous) breed of the [[Imperial Guard]] were born, trained, and lived on Cadia. You see the Cadian as the common model for your generic, garden variety guardsmen figurine, and as such they are the most easily recognized. They fight tenaciously for the [[Empra]] and die with the same degree of vigor. Manliness is never in short order here on Cadia, making it one of the most awesome planets around.

Their [[Stormtrooper|elite troops]] are the '''Kasrkin''', basically the elite of the elite of the Guard. That are separate from the [[Warhammer 40,000/Tactics/Militarum Tempestus(7E)|Scions]] as they aren't trained in cozy little Scholas watched over by Commissars, but are trained right there on Cadia, combining all the battle conditioning and tactics learned by the Cadia Shock Troopers over the course of KILLING EVERYTHING IN THE GALAXY for the last several thousand years. Only [[Space Marines|SPESS MEHREENS]] are better. But the Kasrkin are probably scarier than the Spess Mehreens anyway, because they do about the same on the battlefield, without wearing a concrete wall on every inch of their body and not having [[Bolter|mini-rocket launcher guns]], no, they're just humans with balls of adamantium, both of which have their own pair of balls of adamantium (and that's the women). They don't wear carapace armor, either. Full-bodied flack-armor for these motherfuckers. To be fair though, they get shit done while wearing cardboard instead of the Guardsman's t-shirts, and they still use the older but far more advanced [[Hellgun|Hellguns]] over the Scion's Hot-shot lasguns, they shoot a lot more light than the Guardsman's flashlight. For example, [[Awesome|a Kasrkin Sergeant literally jumps on the back of a rampaging Daemonhost (which has already incapacitated the majority of an Inquisitorial retinue) and stabs it with a regular ol' combat knife to save the life of an Inquisitor.]] Balls. Of. Adamantium. Before the battle even began that [[Eisenhorn|Inquisitor]] admitted to being scared of them, and this is an Inquisitor who has fought alongside Deathwatch Marines against traitor Legionaries of The [[Emperor's Children]] in a warp corrupted landscape, 100 years ago, and has seen and battled Emperor knows what since then. Let that sink in. Now, ''the Kasrkin scared him'', [[Awesome|bad-fucking-ass]].

In conclusion, Cadians are the best troopers, and Kasrkin are the best of the best, well at least when it comes to conventional warfare, other regiments have them beat in specialized roles (Siege and attrition warfare? Send forth the [[Death Korps of Krieg|Death Korps]]. Guerrilla warfare and sabotage? Sneak some [[Catachan Jungle Fighters|Catachans]] or [[Tallarn Desert Raiders|Desert Raiders]] in depending on the environment. Rapid insertion and maneuvering? Drop the [[Elysian Drop Troops|Elysians]] on 'em. Tea and moustaches? Send the [[Praetorian Guard|Praetorians]]). But when you aren't sure what you'll be up against or are expecting a prolonged encounter with rapidly changing tactical situations then you can't go wrong with the Cadian Shock Troopers. When you need a certain [[Abbadon|failure]] to run away for awhile, catapult a Kasrkin at him.

Also confirmed to be so fucking hardcore that their planet broke before they did. In spite of their homeworld's destruction, they've managed to keep going as strong as ever and now fight even harder to avenge its loss. Even better, with the scattered regiments settling on multiple other worlds, those worlds are probably soon going to be pumping out incredibly skilled regiments of their own. Chaos fucked itself. I mean, more than usual and not in ''[[Slaanesh|that way]]''.

'''CADIA STANDS!'''

===Defended===
Despite what is said about how much of a hellhole Cadia was due to the constant warfare, because of that selfsame constant warfare Cadia was one of the most well-defended planets in the Imperium. In fact, it was the 2nd most heavily defended world in the Imperium of Man, only Sol System is better defended than Cadia (And maaaaaybe [[Fenris]], with Catachan being a close third if you count batshit insane wildlife as a defensive element). So, probably more heavily defended than ''Mars''. All cities are arranged in interlocking blocks that require roads to snake around buildings with blind corners and are defended by rockcrete and adamantium walls, all to favor the defenders in urban combat. Massive shield generators keep the cities safe from all but the heaviest bombardment, forcing enemies to pay for them meter by bloody meter. All "civilians" are technically Cadian military reservists, and have been through the same life-long military training that all Cadians are subject to. As dangerous as Cadia is, the locals have learned to handle that danger and weather it as well as possible. Given its strategic importance, the Imperium is more than willing to commit substantial other resources to the planet's defense, which means lots of ships patrolling the system and lots of depots stationed in nearby systems to quickly reinforce Cadia at a moment's notice.

Cread
This article has infiltrated your computer. You just got tactical geniused.

===Reproduction===
Birth rate and recruitment rate are synonymous. And if you see [[Grimdark|how many men and women die on the battlefield every day]]... better start doing your part for the Imperium. On Cadia, you were encouraged to fuck around wildly and have your partner push out the kid in a barracks to increase efficiency in recruiting. Interestingly, military service is not actually required on Cadia, it’s simply their cultural expectation. They also don’t use the Vitae Womb (even though they probably need it). No word on fertility supplements to maximize number of children per batch or methods to shorten pregnancies, though.

===Colonizers===
Cadia's, as you noticed, only real export was soldiers. The thing is, Cadia pumps out so many that they usually form the core cadre of amalgamated units that get clumped into entirely new Imperial Guard armies, and sent to wage campaigns against taken or occupied planets. These armies are never getting sent back home, and are intended, when they win, to form a new government and society, and settle down (as seen in Dawn of War WA and Dark Crusade). As the core is usually Cadian, a lot of the army doctrines and style end up being Cadian, at least for a millennia or so. Hell, they colonize empty planets this way even, especially if it's a dangerous sector of space. Even now, who knows how many planets that are distinct and vital started this way? [[neckbeard|Your DNA could be spread far and wide across the galaxy and you wouldn't even know]].

This is of course to justify why everyone looks like Cadians, aka GW doesn't want to make a dozen different types of guards.

===Violet Eyes===
Ever fancied having more eye color than is standard for man? Move to Cadia and your kids will likely get glowing purple/violet eyes, may explain how purple-eyed animu characters tend to be awesome, they must be Cadians. Have fun explaining (with a bayonet...and a few thousand friends) to mobs of angry locals on other planets that you're not a mutant before they crucify you and burn you alive. Most likely the locals automatically assume their eyes are glowing with the Emperor’s divine light or something. It seems to be a result of living close to the Eye, as the original human settlers were completely culled by the Word Bearers during the crusade and the trait popped up after the planet was resettled.

===The Place of Lorgar's Enlightenment===
While the Imperium would consider this quality the highest order of [[heresy]], perhaps the greatest reason for Cadia's importance is that it is, in many ways, the birthplace of the [[Horus Heresy]]. It was on Cadia the forces of the [[Word Bearers]] met with [[Ingethel]] the Chosen and were inducted into the service of the Ruinous Powers. As such, Cadia holds tremendous ideological importance and sentimental value for the Champions of Chaos.

==The Fall of Cadia==
{{Template:Spoilers}}
{{Topquote|You are standing in the eye of the storm. Move an inch, and you'll be dead! You are standing underneath the towers of the teeth, [[Eye of Terror| And the eye blazes red!]] |The Towers of the Teeth}}
===Business As Usual===

When Abaddon finally launched his [[13th Black Crusade]], Cadia stood ready. Millions perished in the initial attack, but there were still enough Imperial forces to first blunt, then repulse the Chaos incursion. In its wake however was a system on the edge of collapse, its surviving defenders too weary to even try to celebrate. What was worse, Cadia was effectively isolated, with most of its Astropathic choirs either dead or driven insane.

Ursarkar Creed, now Lord Castellan, was worried. Throughout the fighting on-world, there was not even a single report of Abaddon being spotted. As a result he was sure that another assault was on the way, and what was worse it was likely that the Despoiler's own fleet would pass through the system. Unfortunately there was little left of the Imperial Navy present to put up more than a token defense, barring the [[Space Wolves]] battle barge ''Firemane's Fang'', and none of the ships there would be able to chase down Abaddon's ships once they made for deep space.

Preparing for the inevitable, Creed dug in, and set his forces to fortifying Kasr Kraf, which included Marshall Amalrich's [[Black Templars]]. Similar scenes repeated themselves throughout Cadia, with surviving Shock Troops and Astartes companies setting up defenses where they can. The Space Wolves set themselves up in Kasr Jark, while further north the [[Dark Angels]] 4th Company reinforced their own grounded Strike Cruiser ''Sword of Defiance''. In the days that followed the defenders drilled and trained, waiting for the inevitable to come.

===Eye of Terror 2: Electric Boogaloo===

And come it did, because Abaddon was not done with Cadia. Not by a long shot. His Black Fleet was inbound, an angry swarm of Traitor Legion warships, Daemon vessels, and space hulks, with the Blackstone Fortress ''Will of Eternity'' at its core. The remnants of Battlefleets Corona and Scarus, bloodied by the first wave of the Black Crusade, sought to stall the Black Fleet's advance, and paid for their defiance with their lives. Still the Chaos fleet swept on.

News that a Blackstone Fortress was incoming sent Creed's forces' already fevered preparations into a frenzy. Every Tech-adept that could be spared set about restoring Cadia's damaged null-array, which was damaged at the start of the Black Crusade. Even then it would not be enough, because time had finally run out for Cadia.

The Space Wolves however, disagreed. Sven Bloodhowl volunteered to lead his Great Company in boarding the ''Will of Eternity'', and do what they can to slow its advance. Along with them came two hundred other battle-brothers from the various Chapter forces devastated at the start of the Black Crusade, survivors of the 13th Cadian, and a full maniple of [[Skitarii]]. It was the last throw of the dice, but Creed had very few options left.

They failed. Abaddon's vanguard arrived on schedule a day later, soon followed by the Blackstone Fortress. Cheers erupted among the defenders however when its devastation beam dispersed harmlessly across the upper atmosphere. The null array worked! Eeeeeeeexcept it seems that the projection grid now featured xenos tech that wasn't there a day ago...

The cheers were a little short-lived however, as the skies of Cadia Secundus blacked with Traitor drop-ships. Round two had begun, and Abaddon had all the advantages.

The defenders put up a withering amount of fire, but it was not enough. Traitor Legionnaires made landfall, and daemonic reinforcements were summoned. Defense positions were soon overrun, and Creed made the decision to recall defenders back to the curtain walls of Kasr Kraf. The defenders made their fighting retreats, barring Marshall Amalrich's Black Templars, who stubbornly decided to stand their ground, and the Sisters of Battle that had made their defense at the Shrine of Saint Morrican.

Hours passed, then days. Orven Highfell's Ironwolves had counter-attacked the Iron Warriors force threatening Kasr Jark, while the Dark Angels defending the ''Sword of Defiance'' threw off three separate World Eater attacks. Slowly though the defenders were losing ground, and Creed once again ordered a withdrawal to the second curtain wall. The Novamarines 2nd Company sold their lives to stop Possessed from breaching one gate, but the West gate was lost, and with it so too was the 2nd curtain wall lost. Redoubt after redoubt fell, overwhelmed, with even the Dark Angels forced to abandon their grounded strike cruiser and join up with the surviving Space Wolves in their own withdrawal.

Kasr Kraf could not hold forever. An assault by the traitor Legio Vulcanum nearly made its defenses buckle, but the final straw was the assault of the Hounds of Abaddon. Led by newly-ascended Daemon Prince Urkanthos, the Hounds broke through the Kriegan Gates, slaughtering the Kasrkin regiments Creed had sent there to stem the tide. It took Creed himself, leading the 8th Cadian, that finally became the wall that the tide of traitors broke against. The remaining Astartes did what they could, but it was the intervention of the remnants of Marshall Amalrich's Cruxis Crusade ([[Fail|who had finally admitted that he was an idiot in trying to defend AWAY from Kasr Kraf]]) that seemed to give the remaining defenders a chance at more than a final show of defiance.

Urkanthos would not be denied however. His mission from Abaddon was clear: destroy the null array, and Cadia would fall. This was done with contemptuous ease. With its defenders dead and its ancient machinery reduced to cinders, nothing would stop the Blackstone Fortress from scouring the world clean.

===The Living Saint Cometh===

It was then [[Saint Celestine]] arrived, wreathed in the Emperor's own holy fire. Flagging faith was renewed, and strength was once brought to wearied limbs. Aside from this she brought with her reinforcements: five companies of the Order of Our Martyred Lady, long lost in the Warp, and the [[Imperial Fists]] that had been on-board the Phalanx during its emergency warp transition.

While Celestine lent aid to those on the ground, [[THe Phalanx|the Phalanx]] thundered into the heart of the Black Fleet, straight at the Blackstone Fortress. Dorn's fist was to be its executioner. With a little help from what remained of Bloodhowl's force ([[Awesome|who had somehow survived to board the fortress, and had been fighting a running battle within for days]]), the Phalanx's planet-busting forward guns fired into a suddenly un-shielded flank (unprotected thanks to Bloodhowl's force sacrificing itself to take out the generators there). The ''Will of Eternity'' broke apart from the bombardment, its death throes throwing a third of gathered Traitor fleet there back into the Immaterium, and scattered the rest, while its broken husk hung in orbit.

The ground war fared better as the defenders threw off Urkanthos' Hounds from the walls, with the Daemon Prince's own corpse being added to the pile. Despite this, the Despoiler's forces still held air superiority, and scattered warbands gathered for yet another assault. This was no victory, but Cadia held off its doom for another day.

Even more surprises, as some last-minute reinforcements were still streaming in: the 5th Company of the [[Crimson Fists]] led by Ruis Tracinto, elements of the 14th Cadian, tanks of the Armoured 51st, Knights of House Taranis. The last but most significant of these latecomers was a Mechanicus Explorator fleet led by one [[Belisarius Cawl]]. It is Cawl that revealed to the gathered defenders the importance of ''not'' abandoning Cadia, and just how deep the Destroyer's plans were.

The last defenders withdrew to the Elysion Pylon fields, where the [[Legion of the Damned]] had manifested to keep watch over, to make their stand. Beyond the atmosphere the Phalanx moved to cover the field with its bombardment cannons, while far below the fields, Cawl and his adepts worked tirelessly to try and get the pylons to ''work'', but nothing he tried made the pylons react even a little. Close to throwing the towel in frustration, it was then that [[Trazyn the Infinite]] decide to make his presence known. The [[Necron]] proposed a truce, and promised to aid Cawl for its own inscrutable reasons.

===The Battle of Elysion Fields===

By this time the Battle of the Elysion Fields began to heat up, as Abaddon's forces slowly strangled the Imperial defenders. Days passed in desperate combat, with the Imperials hanging on just by the slimmest of margins, but that all changed once Abaddon himself teleported in to crush Cadia's last resistance himself. Accompanied by the Bringers of Despair, they assaulted Creed's command directly, and it was only due to the sacrifice of Creed's friend Kell that the Lord Castellan was able to live and fight another day. He, alongside the remnants of the Cadian 8th, made a fighting retreat into the catacombs beneath the Elysion pylons, before being finally pushed back into the deeper chambers that Cawl was still doing his work.

Curious at seeing the end result of Cawl's labors, Trazyn deigned to release some of his "collection" to delay the Despoiler: Heresy-era Ultramarines, Vostroyans, Tanith, Salamanders, an odd Custodian... All joined the battle against Abaddon's forces. All except [[Ordo Hereticus]] Inquisitor Katarinya Greyfax and her bodyguard, that is. Wulfren bearing the sigil of the Ironwolves soon joined the fray, followed by Highfell himself fighting with a near-feral wildness.

It was then that Cawl coaxed the pylons to life. For those battling in the catacombs the effects were immediate, as Daemons were banished back to the Warp, and Possessed roared as their warp-spawned halves returned to the Immaterium. UNFORTUNATELY this also affected the [[Legion of the Damned]], [[Not_as_planned|and reduced Celestine's power to a mere Battle Sister with a power weapon.]] Whoops.

This proved to be a BIG problem for Celestine, as she had been dueling Abaddon at that point. Creed had to personally intervene, as he saw immediately that if the Living Saint fell, so would the remaining morale of the defenders there. Even Greyfax, for all her distate for the "false idol", acted, and turned her psychic might at keeping the Despoiler at bay. In a moment of arrogance, Abaddon held off the deathblow to Celestine long enough to gloat over his impending success only to take a hit himself. Even depowered, Celestine had inflicted a wound upon the Despoiler which he had not felt the likes of since the Horus Heresy.

High above the effects of the pylons intensified. Against all expectation whatever was being transmitted from Cadia was actually ''causing the Eye of Terror to shrink'', and soon anything remotely warp-based began to waver or outright fail, including the void shields of the warships still glaring at each other beyond the atmosphere. Even teleporting out would eventually be impossible. It was at this point the Despoiler ordered his forces to withdraw, much to the shock and confusion of his ravaged foes. Even the forces on the surface were withdrawing en-masse, falling back to their Thunderhawks and drop-ships, and speeding back to the safety of the Black Fleet.

Something was up, and there was only one thing for sure: the compost was about to hit the rotary impeller, and SOON.

===Ragequit, Despoiler-style===

Once safely back upon the bridge of the ''Vengeful Spirit'', Abaddon set his "Plan B" in motion: if he couldn't have Cadia, '''nobody would'''. As soon as the last of the Traitor forces were retrieved, the Black Fleet pulled away from the planet, post-haste. At that point hidden plasma drives flared into life on the ruins of the ''Will of Eternity'', and slowly the moon-sized mass started to fall in the direction of Cadia. The batteries of the wounded ''Phalanx'' opened up in desperation, but nothing could stop its fall once the Blackstone Fortress was captured by Cadia's gravity well. Like the fist of an angry god, the fortress struck the planet hard, and the world burned.

From his command throne, Abaddon opened up a bottle of vintage wine, raised a cup (made from the skull of the [[Horus]] clone he had killed in the [[Battle of Harmony]]) in toast of an old foe, and laughed. Guffawhaw! Kekeke! Huehuehue! Teeheehee!

===Death of a World===

Millions died in the aftermath of the impact, but the worst was yet to come. As mountains crumbled and seas vanished into steam, the ancient Pylons scattered on the planet toppled as well. The ancient network sputtered and died, at which the Eye of Terror roared back into being, stronger and MUCH larger now that its ancient prison was sundered. With the echoing laughter of gods long-denied their prize, the maelstrom finally engulfed Cadia.

Daemons previously banished by the awakening of the pylons once more fell upon the ravaged world. Those who survived the initial inferno now found themselves fighting for their lives. But in that darkest hour, hope also returned. With the destruction of the pylons, Saint Celestine's strength returned, and burning bright with the light of the Emperor, the Living Saint led the survivors out of the catacombs, to witness a world much changed.

===The Exodus of Cadia===

At the sight of all the ruin and destruction, Creed finally despaired. Before his despondence could spread to his men, Greyfax took the initiative, and ordered the planetary evacuation of all surviving Imperial forces. Countless troop transports and landing craft roared upwards to the relative safety of the ''Phalanx'', though many more were lost amidst the burning atmosphere and the winged daemonspawn now infesting the skies.

Back at the Elysion Fields, the evacuation was turning desperate, as the waves of daemons pushed back the defensive lines. Soon there wouldn't be anywhere safe to land, and the evacuation zone would become a death trap.

Something had to be done. The Lord Castellan roused himself from his grief, and announced that the 8th Cadian would buy everyone the time they needed to escape. To their credit, none of the Castellan's Own blanched at the order, despite knowing full well what it meant. They owed Creed their lives anyway, and now was as good a time as any to pay the Castellan back the debt.

The last transports boosted away to safety, with the final one taking within the Knights of House Taranis, Marshall Amalrich's Black Templars, Saint Celestine's Sisters, and Grayfax. As they left that blighted battlefield behind, a clear and proud cry could be heard, over the howling winds and the cannon roar. It was a shout of defiance, bowed but unbroken: '''"CADIA STANDS!"'''

===The Fate of Creed===

Creed, wounded, weary, and about to bleed out, is confronted not by a Daemon, but by [[Trazyn|a metal giant wearing a scaled cloak]]. After that, a promise of eternity before darkness engulfs him, the giant's laughter ringing in his ears.

[[File:Cadiain8th.png|300px|thumbnail|center|...wait, how the fuck did she take off her trousers whilst still wearing her boots? Did she take off her boots, take off her trousers, then put her boots back on? <s>Or was she just wearing shorts?</s> "Battle Shorts" are not standard Kasrkin uniform, and thus she would be executed by a [[Commissar]] (and rightfully so) for being stupid enough to wear them to the final fucking battle of Cadia. Although despite this she still survived while wearing these, so yeah.]]

==We're Not Through Yet, Motherfuckers!==
[[File:WH Faces (4).jpg|280px|right|thumb|]]
According to the 7e Astra Militarum codex, every single Cadian regiment was recalled back to Cadia by Creed to defend it. Given that there were only 4 million Imperial survivors out of the original 850 million Imperials initially present, the vast majority of Cadian regiments were likely annihilated. Of course, it's unknown just how many Cadian regiments actually managed to get to Cadia in time before the shit hit the fan, but it's safe to say that certain [https://regimental-standard.com/2017/01/18/cadia-another-imperial-victory/ Imperium reports] that 90% of Cadia's Guard forces were off-world at the time and thus have survived the Fall of Cadia are either complete grox manure, or there were just THAT many Cadia guard regiments exported over the centuries. Given how long the Imperium has been around and the staggering size of the Guard, the latter may actually be more likely.

You thought the Fall of Cadia was the end? Well guess what, 8th Edition says otherwise! Curiously the closure of the Cadian Gate hadn't affected Chaos fleets in the slightest, as they've poured out the Eye everywhere across its borders with seemingly no effort while it expanded, no longer contained by the pylon network. This has actually worked out sort of okayish for the Imperium as well. With Cadia dealt with, a lot of warbands have decided to stop listening to the [[Abaddon|armless failure]] and go do their own thing to find things that are easier to kill than Cadia. This presents a bit of a problem for Chaos as Geedubs themselves have said there's still a fucking ton of defenders in the Cadian system and that the Chaos forces are starting to wear thin on the now-worthless planet.

On top of that, Cadia took so fucking long to go down that the Imperium is entrenched deep into neighboring planets waiting for a second coordinated wave of Chaos attackers that is increasingly unlikely to show up. Needless to say, there are more than a few commanders that think having all these forces sitting around essentially doing nothing was a massive waste, when they could instead be bringing the fight to the Great Enemy...

More worryingly, a detachment of the [[Adeptus Custodes]] has been sent there by order of the Captain-General. Specifically, the Custodes in charge of ensuring the Age of Strife-era horrors contained in the Imperial Palace's prisons (the mere knowledge of which could wreck the Imperium should they ever be known about) stay there. Seeing that several of said horrors were scattered across the galaxy by Chaos after the Great Rift opened, odds are that whatever the golden bananas were sent there for is ''very bad news''.

Moral of the Story: [[Humanity Fuck Yeah|Humans are incredibly good at creating superweapons.]]

==New Cadia==

In the wake of the Exodus from Cadia, several surviving regiments found themselves in the Agripinaa System. Those lucky enough not to be "volunteered" into servitor-dom by the neighboring forge-world of Agripinaa (which was unlikely to mess with a ton of the best army around and one so famous and beloved by the Imperium and important that screwing with them could get Agripinaa blown up) still had to fight off pursuing Chaos forces, which included renegade Astartes warbands from the [[Sons of Malice]] and the [[Crimson Slaughter]]. One of these forces, led by General Gruber, made its last stand on ice moon of Faith's Anchorage. Although they were eventually overwhelmed, the Cadians went down fighting, with General Gruber himself -- an old man noted in-universe to neither be particularly brave ''or'' inspirational -- spitting defiance at his slayers, and doing one final banzai charge with his power sword.

So focused were the Chaos forces on annihilating Gruber's forces that they didn't notice the ''other'' parts of the Cadian Exodus that had translated into the outer system -- which included elements of the battered but unbowed Battlefleet Cadia. Eager for vengeance, the Cadians fell upon the Chaos Fleet, but even with their numbers it was a close thing, due to the damage the Imperial Fleet had already received prior. Then out of nowhere, the Space Wolf [[Strike Cruiser]] ''Stiklestad'' entered the fray, and soon the odds were tipped in the Imperials' favor.

Very quickly, the forces that had destroyed General Gruber's forces found themselves stranded on Faith's Anchorage as the Stiklestad's crew demonstrated what happens when you face Astartes boarders to their ships. With nowhere to go, the Heretics soon found themselves facing regiment upon regiment of very VERY angry Cadian Shock Troopers. It took two weeks to comprehensively clear Hope's Anchorage of Heretic filth.

The Cadians were ''very'' thorough.

In the wake of this, the highest commanding officer of the Cadian military, General Benedikt of the 101st, consolidated his weary and battered forces on Chaeros, the 7th world of the Agripinaa system. It was soon renamed '''New Cadia''', a place to lick wounds and mourn lost comrades, a new place to call home, and a place to strike back from when the time finally came.

As for the other Cadian regiments, it says something that even after the destruction of their homeworld, Cadian regiments are still making up the bulk of the Guard forces in the Vigilus campaign. Even the Cadian 8th is active in the campaign, though they've renamed themselves '''Creed's Legacy'''. New troopers are made up of descendants of original regiment men and survivor colonists.

{{40k-Imperial-Regiments}}

{{40k-Planets}}

[[Category:Imperial]]

Cadia

2021-11-14T19:32:14Z

2601:449:8280:2630:98A6:8027:1751:4353: /* The Planet Itself */

{{Awesome}}
[[File:CadiaPlanet.jpg|400px|right|thumb|Cadia, before [[Failbaddon]] [[Exterminatus|dropped a Blackstone on it.]]]]
{{Topquote|Send not your foolish and feeble; send me your strong and your sane — Strong for the red rage of battle; sane for I harry them sore; Send me men girt for the combat, men who are grit to the core.|The Law of the Yukon: by Robert W. Service }}
{{Topquote|The Guard dies but does not surrender!|Pierre Cambronne, general of the First French Empire}}
{{Topquote|Do not go gentle into that good night; rage, rage, against the dying of the light.|Dylan Thomas, Cadian Remembrancer}}
{{Topquote|Cadia is the end and the beginning.|White Dwarf, January 2017}}

'''Cadia''' is, or rather ''was'' an [[Imperial Guard]] fortress world located right beside the [[Eye of Terror]]. Due to being proximate to the only safe warp-passage into and out of the Eye, as well as large Xenos mobilization throughout the sector, it had become a [[fortress world]] and a strategic gem for the [[Imperium of Man]].

==The Planet Itself==
Fortress. That's the one word that can sum up the planet of Cadia. Since it was close neighbors with [[Chaos Space Marines|those nice boys]] from [[Eye of Terror|across the street]], Cadia always needed to be on active defense. All the time one had their [[Lasgun]] shouldered and was twitching from a combination of going 47 hours without sleep and being raised to be paranoid as fuck. Of course, living basically inside the Eye of Terror, it isn't truly paranoia at all, just common sense.

As far as geography goes, Cadia held a temperate climate not unlike the Holy [[Hiveworld]] of [[Terra]]. 70 percent of its surface was covered in bodies of water, and its landmasses were [[Grimdark|covered with bodies of guardsmen]].

If it weren't for the anti-warp pylons holding back the expansions of the Eye of Terror, it would have been subjected to [[Exterminatus]] long before [[Abaddon]] crashed his wrecked [[Blackstone Fortress]] into it. The place was a hellhole even before its destruction. It ''might'' have been a good vacation spot if you '''LIKE''' trenches filled with bodies and tracer fire lighting up your hotel room... on second thought... fuck that shit!

By the way, when we say fortress, we mean fortress. Literally, the entire planet was designed from the ground up to be impossible to invade. First, you have miles of trenches, seas of barbed wire, razor wire, minefields, machine gun bunkers, pillboxes, field guns, and howitzers to dig through. That's the preliminary defensive elements. After that, you have the oh so casual heavy artillery stationed on the enormous walls, with plenty of snipers, riflemen, and angry grandmas throwing anything from macro weapons fire and grenades to rocks and dung buckets at you as you attempt to invade. Once, after losing several million men, you manage to siege the walls and get inside, you enter a labyrinth of streets and corridors, each designed to maximize the defensive advantage of the defending soldiers, meaning that the only way to advance up the street safely is to essentially breach and clear every building, which is also built to function as a small pillbox. Per room. Assuming you clear the ground floor with less than 110% casualties, you then repeat all day long, for weeks on end, until you realize: you took a wrong turn, and have now been cornered by Leman Russes that had a map. While trying to delay your doom, more snipers are on top of the castle tower like roofs shooting down at you, until finally you turn around the corner, and are cut down by a group of kids who decided to kill you as a recreational activity for the Imperial Guard scouts.

Did we mention that all of this just describes the slum district of a minor city? Chaos gods help you if you are attacking a large city, which will likely have all of the above, but multiplied by 12.

==Cadia and you==
[[File:Cadian Cmdr female.jpg|400px|thumbnail|right|Even their officers serve in the frontlines.]]
First, let me start with saying that it [[Khorne|sucked to live on Cadia]]. Oh, you think where you live sucks? Live in a crime infested ghetto or something similar? A couple drive by shootings and a stolen TV are ''nothing'' compared to how much it sucked to live on Cadia. Why does it suck you ask? Oh, not much of a reason at all. Just the fact that it's like, six feet away from the fucking [[Eye of Terror]] (It also sucks to live ''there'', but for many reasons other than Cadia).

It just sucks to live on Cadia, period. Yes, there are several manly, redeeming qualities (see below) about the planet, but if you live on Cadia you're too busy replacing the power pack in your [[Lasgun|flashlight]] after throwing back Monday's Chaos invasion to notice. A short list includes, but is not limited to:

*Being drafted before you can walk, learning to shoot before you can count, and getting thrown in the meat-grinder (mostly figuratively, sometimes literally) by the age of 16.
*Learning how to shoot so young that when you're toilet-trained you're told to aim your dick like it's a lasgun.
*Marauding bands of [[Chaos Space Marines]] and [[Lost and the Damned|assorted heretics]] trying to kill you.
*Random WAAAGH!!!s of [[Orks|greenskins]] trying to kill you.
*Stealthy platoons of [[Eldar|Space Elves]] trying to kill you.
*Your own [[Commissar|superior officers]] trying to ki-{{BLAM|'''*BLAM!*'''}}
*No privacy whatsoever for your entire life.
*Constant fear of death before you reach puberty.
*Constant fear of death during puberty.
*Constant fear of death after puberty, but chances are you'll die before this, have your soul sold to/claimed by a chaos deity and for their lolz spend your death in constant fear of puberty.
*Superior officers barking orders down your neck for all the years that you're alive.
*<s>No time to screw around,</s> you're always on duty. Sometimes said duty is to help train new recruits for their inevitable deaths.
*The top fashions in Cadia are camo patterns and body armor.
*[[Heresy|Heretical]] [[Chaos Cults|cults]] springing up by the dozen every week.
*[[Chaos|Voices]] keep telling you to ditch the duty and [[Slaanesh|relax]], [[Khorne|let loose]], call in [[Nurgle|sick]], or try something [[Tzeentch|different]].
*The fact that the planet's <s>main</s> '''only''' export is Soldiers should clue you in.
*[[Mutant]]s springing up everywhere wanting to try out the new pincer claw they just got on your neck.
*[[Grimdark|Even after you die, Cadia doesn't stop being shitty to you, because once the engraving on your tombstone is illegible, it means you've been dead for so long nobody alive cares about you anymore, so your corpse is dug up and thrown into an incinerator while a fresh corpse is thrown into your hole. And then ''they'' will be dug up and thrown away as well.]]
*Cadia is now destroyed and consumed by the Eye of Terror. If you're still living there, you're either a heretic, a warp entity, fighting a heroic last stand, or really ''really'' unlucky. Scratch that, due to Chaos forces largely moving on, the Imperial Guard forces who made it to secure fortifications rallied and retook the planet AFTER IT WAS DESTROYED. The Guard truly are the manliest men to ever manly.

Seriously, it just sucks to live there, just take my word for it. Avoid prolonged stays on Cadia at all costs.

==Redeeming Qualities==
[[File:Cadian 8th Regiment-small.jpg|500px|thumb|right|Fuckers so hardcore, they take on fieldtrips on other hellhole planets when their own hellhole planet gets too stale.]]
Yes it sucked to live on Cadia, sucks beyond all Hell, but there are several reasons why it was one of the most [[awesome]] places in the Imperium.

===Cadian Shock Troopers===
First and foremost, the [[skub|finest]] (and perhaps most numerous) breed of the [[Imperial Guard]] were born, trained, and lived on Cadia. You see the Cadian as the common model for your generic, garden variety guardsmen figurine, and as such they are the most easily recognized. They fight tenaciously for the [[Empra]] and die with the same degree of vigor. Manliness is never in short order here on Cadia, making it one of the most awesome planets around.

Their [[Stormtrooper|elite troops]] are the '''Kasrkin''', basically the elite of the elite of the Guard. That are separate from the [[Warhammer 40,000/Tactics/Militarum Tempestus(7E)|Scions]] as they aren't trained in cozy little Scholas watched over by Commissars, but are trained right there on Cadia, combining all the battle conditioning and tactics learned by the Cadia Shock Troopers over the course of KILLING EVERYTHING IN THE GALAXY for the last several thousand years. Only [[Space Marines|SPESS MEHREENS]] are better. But the Kasrkin are probably scarier than the Spess Mehreens anyway, because they do about the same on the battlefield, without wearing a concrete wall on every inch of their body and not having [[Bolter|mini-rocket launcher guns]], no, they're just humans with balls of adamantium, both of which have their own pair of balls of adamantium (and that's the women). They don't wear carapace armor, either. Full-bodied flack-armor for these motherfuckers. To be fair though, they get shit done while wearing cardboard instead of the Guardsman's t-shirts, and they still use the older but far more advanced [[Hellgun|Hellguns]] over the Scion's Hot-shot lasguns, they shoot a lot more light than the Guardsman's flashlight. For example, [[Awesome|a Kasrkin Sergeant literally jumps on the back of a rampaging Daemonhost (which has already incapacitated the majority of an Inquisitorial retinue) and stabs it with a regular ol' combat knife to save the life of an Inquisitor.]] Balls. Of. Adamantium. Before the battle even began that [[Eisenhorn|Inquisitor]] admitted to being scared of them, and this is an Inquisitor who has fought alongside Deathwatch Marines against traitor Legionaries of The [[Emperor's Children]] in a warp corrupted landscape, 100 years ago, and has seen and battled Emperor knows what since then. Let that sink in. Now, ''the Kasrkin scared him'', [[Awesome|bad-fucking-ass]].

In conclusion, Cadians are the best troopers, and Kasrkin are the best of the best, well at least when it comes to conventional warfare, other regiments have them beat in specialized roles (Siege and attrition warfare? Send forth the [[Death Korps of Krieg|Death Korps]]. Guerrilla warfare and sabotage? Sneak some [[Catachan Jungle Fighters|Catachans]] or [[Tallarn Desert Raiders|Desert Raiders]] in depending on the environment. Rapid insertion and maneuvering? Drop the [[Elysian Drop Troops|Elysians]] on 'em). Tea? Send the [[Praetorian Guard|Praetorians]]. But when you aren't sure what you'll be up against or are expecting a prolonged encounter with rapidly changing tactical situations then you can't go wrong with the Cadian Shock Troopers. When you need a certain [[Abbadon|failure]] to run away for awhile, catapult a Kasrkin at him.

Also confirmed to be so fucking hardcore that their planet broke before they did. In spite of their homeworld's destruction, they've managed to keep going as strong as ever and now fight even harder to avenge its loss. Even better, with the scattered regiments settling on multiple other worlds, those worlds are probably soon going to be pumping out incredibly skilled regiments of their own. Chaos fucked itself. I mean, more than usual and not in ''[[Slaanesh|that way]]''.

'''CADIA STANDS!'''

===Defended===
Despite what is said about how much of a hellhole Cadia was due to the constant warfare, because of that selfsame constant warfare Cadia was one of the most well-defended planets in the Imperium. In fact, it was the 2nd most heavily defended world in the Imperium of Man, only Sol System is better defended than Cadia (And maaaaaybe [[Fenris]], with Catachan being a close third if you count batshit insane wildlife as a defensive element). So, probably more heavily defended than ''Mars''. All cities are arranged in interlocking blocks that require roads to snake around buildings with blind corners and are defended by rockcrete and adamantium walls, all to favor the defenders in urban combat. Massive shield generators keep the cities safe from all but the heaviest bombardment, forcing enemies to pay for them meter by bloody meter. All "civilians" are technically Cadian military reservists, and have been through the same life-long military training that all Cadians are subject to. As dangerous as Cadia is, the locals have learned to handle that danger and weather it as well as possible. Given its strategic importance, the Imperium is more than willing to commit substantial other resources to the planet's defense, which means lots of ships patrolling the system and lots of depots stationed in nearby systems to quickly reinforce Cadia at a moment's notice.

Cread
This article has infiltrated your computer. You just got tactical geniused.

===Reproduction===
Birth rate and recruitment rate are synonymous. And if you see [[Grimdark|how many men and women die on the battlefield every day]]... better start doing your part for the Imperium. On Cadia, you were encouraged to fuck around wildly and have your partner push out the kid in a barracks to increase efficiency in recruiting. Interestingly, military service is not actually required on Cadia, it’s simply their cultural expectation. They also don’t use the Vitae Womb (even though they probably need it). No word on fertility supplements to maximize number of children per batch or methods to shorten pregnancies, though.

===Colonizers===
Cadia's, as you noticed, only real export was soldiers. The thing is, Cadia pumps out so many that they usually form the core cadre of amalgamated units that get clumped into entirely new Imperial Guard armies, and sent to wage campaigns against taken or occupied planets. These armies are never getting sent back home, and are intended, when they win, to form a new government and society, and settle down (as seen in Dawn of War WA and Dark Crusade). As the core is usually Cadian, a lot of the army doctrines and style end up being Cadian, at least for a millennia or so. Hell, they colonize empty planets this way even, especially if it's a dangerous sector of space. Even now, who knows how many planets that are distinct and vital started this way? [[neckbeard|Your DNA could be spread far and wide across the galaxy and you wouldn't even know]].

This is of course to justify why everyone looks like Cadians, aka GW doesn't want to make a dozen different types of guards.

===Violet Eyes===
Ever fancied having more eye color than is standard for man? Move to Cadia and your kids will likely get glowing purple/violet eyes, may explain how purple-eyed animu characters tend to be awesome, they must be Cadians. Have fun explaining (with a bayonet...and a few thousand friends) to mobs of angry locals on other planets that you're not a mutant before they crucify you and burn you alive. Most likely the locals automatically assume their eyes are glowing with the Emperor’s divine light or something. It seems to be a result of living close to the Eye, as the original human settlers were completely culled by the Word Bearers during the crusade and the trait popped up after the planet was resettled.

===The Place of Lorgar's Enlightenment===
While the Imperium would consider this quality the highest order of [[heresy]], perhaps the greatest reason for Cadia's importance is that it is, in many ways, the birthplace of the [[Horus Heresy]]. It was on Cadia the forces of the [[Word Bearers]] met with [[Ingethel]] the Chosen and were inducted into the service of the Ruinous Powers. As such, Cadia holds tremendous ideological importance and sentimental value for the Champions of Chaos.

==The Fall of Cadia==
{{Template:Spoilers}}
{{Topquote|You are standing in the eye of the storm. Move an inch, and you'll be dead! You are standing underneath the towers of the teeth, [[Eye of Terror| And the eye blazes red!]] |The Towers of the Teeth}}
===Business As Usual===

When Abaddon finally launched his [[13th Black Crusade]], Cadia stood ready. Millions perished in the initial attack, but there were still enough Imperial forces to first blunt, then repulse the Chaos incursion. In its wake however was a system on the edge of collapse, its surviving defenders too weary to even try to celebrate. What was worse, Cadia was effectively isolated, with most of its Astropathic choirs either dead or driven insane.

Ursarkar Creed, now Lord Castellan, was worried. Throughout the fighting on-world, there was not even a single report of Abaddon being spotted. As a result he was sure that another assault was on the way, and what was worse it was likely that the Despoiler's own fleet would pass through the system. Unfortunately there was little left of the Imperial Navy present to put up more than a token defense, barring the [[Space Wolves]] battle barge ''Firemane's Fang'', and none of the ships there would be able to chase down Abaddon's ships once they made for deep space.

Preparing for the inevitable, Creed dug in, and set his forces to fortifying Kasr Kraf, which included Marshall Amalrich's [[Black Templars]]. Similar scenes repeated themselves throughout Cadia, with surviving Shock Troops and Astartes companies setting up defenses where they can. The Space Wolves set themselves up in Kasr Jark, while further north the [[Dark Angels]] 4th Company reinforced their own grounded Strike Cruiser ''Sword of Defiance''. In the days that followed the defenders drilled and trained, waiting for the inevitable to come.

===Eye of Terror 2: Electric Boogaloo===

And come it did, because Abaddon was not done with Cadia. Not by a long shot. His Black Fleet was inbound, an angry swarm of Traitor Legion warships, Daemon vessels, and space hulks, with the Blackstone Fortress ''Will of Eternity'' at its core. The remnants of Battlefleets Corona and Scarus, bloodied by the first wave of the Black Crusade, sought to stall the Black Fleet's advance, and paid for their defiance with their lives. Still the Chaos fleet swept on.

News that a Blackstone Fortress was incoming sent Creed's forces' already fevered preparations into a frenzy. Every Tech-adept that could be spared set about restoring Cadia's damaged null-array, which was damaged at the start of the Black Crusade. Even then it would not be enough, because time had finally run out for Cadia.

The Space Wolves however, disagreed. Sven Bloodhowl volunteered to lead his Great Company in boarding the ''Will of Eternity'', and do what they can to slow its advance. Along with them came two hundred other battle-brothers from the various Chapter forces devastated at the start of the Black Crusade, survivors of the 13th Cadian, and a full maniple of [[Skitarii]]. It was the last throw of the dice, but Creed had very few options left.

They failed. Abaddon's vanguard arrived on schedule a day later, soon followed by the Blackstone Fortress. Cheers erupted among the defenders however when its devastation beam dispersed harmlessly across the upper atmosphere. The null array worked! Eeeeeeeexcept it seems that the projection grid now featured xenos tech that wasn't there a day ago...

The cheers were a little short-lived however, as the skies of Cadia Secundus blacked with Traitor drop-ships. Round two had begun, and Abaddon had all the advantages.

The defenders put up a withering amount of fire, but it was not enough. Traitor Legionnaires made landfall, and daemonic reinforcements were summoned. Defense positions were soon overrun, and Creed made the decision to recall defenders back to the curtain walls of Kasr Kraf. The defenders made their fighting retreats, barring Marshall Amalrich's Black Templars, who stubbornly decided to stand their ground, and the Sisters of Battle that had made their defense at the Shrine of Saint Morrican.

Hours passed, then days. Orven Highfell's Ironwolves had counter-attacked the Iron Warriors force threatening Kasr Jark, while the Dark Angels defending the ''Sword of Defiance'' threw off three separate World Eater attacks. Slowly though the defenders were losing ground, and Creed once again ordered a withdrawal to the second curtain wall. The Novamarines 2nd Company sold their lives to stop Possessed from breaching one gate, but the West gate was lost, and with it so too was the 2nd curtain wall lost. Redoubt after redoubt fell, overwhelmed, with even the Dark Angels forced to abandon their grounded strike cruiser and join up with the surviving Space Wolves in their own withdrawal.

Kasr Kraf could not hold forever. An assault by the traitor Legio Vulcanum nearly made its defenses buckle, but the final straw was the assault of the Hounds of Abaddon. Led by newly-ascended Daemon Prince Urkanthos, the Hounds broke through the Kriegan Gates, slaughtering the Kasrkin regiments Creed had sent there to stem the tide. It took Creed himself, leading the 8th Cadian, that finally became the wall that the tide of traitors broke against. The remaining Astartes did what they could, but it was the intervention of the remnants of Marshall Amalrich's Cruxis Crusade ([[Fail|who had finally admitted that he was an idiot in trying to defend AWAY from Kasr Kraf]]) that seemed to give the remaining defenders a chance at more than a final show of defiance.

Urkanthos would not be denied however. His mission from Abaddon was clear: destroy the null array, and Cadia would fall. This was done with contemptuous ease. With its defenders dead and its ancient machinery reduced to cinders, nothing would stop the Blackstone Fortress from scouring the world clean.

===The Living Saint Cometh===

It was then [[Saint Celestine]] arrived, wreathed in the Emperor's own holy fire. Flagging faith was renewed, and strength was once brought to wearied limbs. Aside from this she brought with her reinforcements: five companies of the Order of Our Martyred Lady, long lost in the Warp, and the [[Imperial Fists]] that had been on-board the Phalanx during its emergency warp transition.

While Celestine lent aid to those on the ground, [[THe Phalanx|the Phalanx]] thundered into the heart of the Black Fleet, straight at the Blackstone Fortress. Dorn's fist was to be its executioner. With a little help from what remained of Bloodhowl's force ([[Awesome|who had somehow survived to board the fortress, and had been fighting a running battle within for days]]), the Phalanx's planet-busting forward guns fired into a suddenly un-shielded flank (unprotected thanks to Bloodhowl's force sacrificing itself to take out the generators there). The ''Will of Eternity'' broke apart from the bombardment, its death throes throwing a third of gathered Traitor fleet there back into the Immaterium, and scattered the rest, while its broken husk hung in orbit.

The ground war fared better as the defenders threw off Urkanthos' Hounds from the walls, with the Daemon Prince's own corpse being added to the pile. Despite this, the Despoiler's forces still held air superiority, and scattered warbands gathered for yet another assault. This was no victory, but Cadia held off its doom for another day.

Even more surprises, as some last-minute reinforcements were still streaming in: the 5th Company of the [[Crimson Fists]] led by Ruis Tracinto, elements of the 14th Cadian, tanks of the Armoured 51st, Knights of House Taranis. The last but most significant of these latecomers was a Mechanicus Explorator fleet led by one [[Belisarius Cawl]]. It is Cawl that revealed to the gathered defenders the importance of ''not'' abandoning Cadia, and just how deep the Destroyer's plans were.

The last defenders withdrew to the Elysion Pylon fields, where the [[Legion of the Damned]] had manifested to keep watch over, to make their stand. Beyond the atmosphere the Phalanx moved to cover the field with its bombardment cannons, while far below the fields, Cawl and his adepts worked tirelessly to try and get the pylons to ''work'', but nothing he tried made the pylons react even a little. Close to throwing the towel in frustration, it was then that [[Trazyn the Infinite]] decide to make his presence known. The [[Necron]] proposed a truce, and promised to aid Cawl for its own inscrutable reasons.

===The Battle of Elysion Fields===

By this time the Battle of the Elysion Fields began to heat up, as Abaddon's forces slowly strangled the Imperial defenders. Days passed in desperate combat, with the Imperials hanging on just by the slimmest of margins, but that all changed once Abaddon himself teleported in to crush Cadia's last resistance himself. Accompanied by the Bringers of Despair, they assaulted Creed's command directly, and it was only due to the sacrifice of Creed's friend Kell that the Lord Castellan was able to live and fight another day. He, alongside the remnants of the Cadian 8th, made a fighting retreat into the catacombs beneath the Elysion pylons, before being finally pushed back into the deeper chambers that Cawl was still doing his work.

Curious at seeing the end result of Cawl's labors, Trazyn deigned to release some of his "collection" to delay the Despoiler: Heresy-era Ultramarines, Vostroyans, Tanith, Salamanders, an odd Custodian... All joined the battle against Abaddon's forces. All except [[Ordo Hereticus]] Inquisitor Katarinya Greyfax and her bodyguard, that is. Wulfren bearing the sigil of the Ironwolves soon joined the fray, followed by Highfell himself fighting with a near-feral wildness.

It was then that Cawl coaxed the pylons to life. For those battling in the catacombs the effects were immediate, as Daemons were banished back to the Warp, and Possessed roared as their warp-spawned halves returned to the Immaterium. UNFORTUNATELY this also affected the [[Legion of the Damned]], [[Not_as_planned|and reduced Celestine's power to a mere Battle Sister with a power weapon.]] Whoops.

This proved to be a BIG problem for Celestine, as she had been dueling Abaddon at that point. Creed had to personally intervene, as he saw immediately that if the Living Saint fell, so would the remaining morale of the defenders there. Even Greyfax, for all her distate for the "false idol", acted, and turned her psychic might at keeping the Despoiler at bay. In a moment of arrogance, Abaddon held off the deathblow to Celestine long enough to gloat over his impending success only to take a hit himself. Even depowered, Celestine had inflicted a wound upon the Despoiler which he had not felt the likes of since the Horus Heresy.

High above the effects of the pylons intensified. Against all expectation whatever was being transmitted from Cadia was actually ''causing the Eye of Terror to shrink'', and soon anything remotely warp-based began to waver or outright fail, including the void shields of the warships still glaring at each other beyond the atmosphere. Even teleporting out would eventually be impossible. It was at this point the Despoiler ordered his forces to withdraw, much to the shock and confusion of his ravaged foes. Even the forces on the surface were withdrawing en-masse, falling back to their Thunderhawks and drop-ships, and speeding back to the safety of the Black Fleet.

Something was up, and there was only one thing for sure: the compost was about to hit the rotary impeller, and SOON.

===Ragequit, Despoiler-style===

Once safely back upon the bridge of the ''Vengeful Spirit'', Abaddon set his "Plan B" in motion: if he couldn't have Cadia, '''nobody would'''. As soon as the last of the Traitor forces were retrieved, the Black Fleet pulled away from the planet, post-haste. At that point hidden plasma drives flared into life on the ruins of the ''Will of Eternity'', and slowly the moon-sized mass started to fall in the direction of Cadia. The batteries of the wounded ''Phalanx'' opened up in desperation, but nothing could stop its fall once the Blackstone Fortress was captured by Cadia's gravity well. Like the fist of an angry god, the fortress struck the planet hard, and the world burned.

From his command throne, Abaddon opened up a bottle of vintage wine, raised a cup (made from the skull of the [[Horus]] clone he had killed in the [[Battle of Harmony]]) in toast of an old foe, and laughed. Guffawhaw! Kekeke! Huehuehue! Teeheehee!

===Death of a World===

Millions died in the aftermath of the impact, but the worst was yet to come. As mountains crumbled and seas vanished into steam, the ancient Pylons scattered on the planet toppled as well. The ancient network sputtered and died, at which the Eye of Terror roared back into being, stronger and MUCH larger now that its ancient prison was sundered. With the echoing laughter of gods long-denied their prize, the maelstrom finally engulfed Cadia.

Daemons previously banished by the awakening of the pylons once more fell upon the ravaged world. Those who survived the initial inferno now found themselves fighting for their lives. But in that darkest hour, hope also returned. With the destruction of the pylons, Saint Celestine's strength returned, and burning bright with the light of the Emperor, the Living Saint led the survivors out of the catacombs, to witness a world much changed.

===The Exodus of Cadia===

At the sight of all the ruin and destruction, Creed finally despaired. Before his despondence could spread to his men, Greyfax took the initiative, and ordered the planetary evacuation of all surviving Imperial forces. Countless troop transports and landing craft roared upwards to the relative safety of the ''Phalanx'', though many more were lost amidst the burning atmosphere and the winged daemonspawn now infesting the skies.

Back at the Elysion Fields, the evacuation was turning desperate, as the waves of daemons pushed back the defensive lines. Soon there wouldn't be anywhere safe to land, and the evacuation zone would become a death trap.

Something had to be done. The Lord Castellan roused himself from his grief, and announced that the 8th Cadian would buy everyone the time they needed to escape. To their credit, none of the Castellan's Own blanched at the order, despite knowing full well what it meant. They owed Creed their lives anyway, and now was as good a time as any to pay the Castellan back the debt.

The last transports boosted away to safety, with the final one taking within the Knights of House Taranis, Marshall Amalrich's Black Templars, Saint Celestine's Sisters, and Grayfax. As they left that blighted battlefield behind, a clear and proud cry could be heard, over the howling winds and the cannon roar. It was a shout of defiance, bowed but unbroken: '''"CADIA STANDS!"'''

===The Fate of Creed===

Creed, wounded, weary, and about to bleed out, is confronted not by a Daemon, but by [[Trazyn|a metal giant wearing a scaled cloak]]. After that, a promise of eternity before darkness engulfs him, the giant's laughter ringing in his ears.

[[File:Cadiain8th.png|300px|thumbnail|center|...wait, how the fuck did she take off her trousers whilst still wearing her boots? Did she take off her boots, take off her trousers, then put her boots back on? <s>Or was she just wearing shorts?</s> "Battle Shorts" are not standard Kasrkin uniform, and thus she would be executed by a [[Commissar]] (and rightfully so) for being stupid enough to wear them to the final fucking battle of Cadia. Although despite this she still survived while wearing these, so yeah.]]

==We're Not Through Yet, Motherfuckers!==
[[File:WH Faces (4).jpg|280px|right|thumb|]]
According to the 7e Astra Militarum codex, every single Cadian regiment was recalled back to Cadia by Creed to defend it. Given that there were only 4 million Imperial survivors out of the original 850 million Imperials initially present, the vast majority of Cadian regiments were likely annihilated. Of course, it's unknown just how many Cadian regiments actually managed to get to Cadia in time before the shit hit the fan, but it's safe to say that certain [https://regimental-standard.com/2017/01/18/cadia-another-imperial-victory/ Imperium reports] that 90% of Cadia's Guard forces were off-world at the time and thus have survived the Fall of Cadia are either complete grox manure, or there were just THAT many Cadia guard regiments exported over the centuries. Given how long the Imperium has been around and the staggering size of the Guard, the latter may actually be more likely.

You thought the Fall of Cadia was the end? Well guess what, 8th Edition says otherwise! Curiously the closure of the Cadian Gate hadn't affected Chaos fleets in the slightest, as they've poured out the Eye everywhere across its borders with seemingly no effort while it expanded, no longer contained by the pylon network. This has actually worked out sort of okayish for the Imperium as well. With Cadia dealt with, a lot of warbands have decided to stop listening to the [[Abaddon|armless failure]] and go do their own thing to find things that are easier to kill than Cadia. This presents a bit of a problem for Chaos as Geedubs themselves have said there's still a fucking ton of defenders in the Cadian system and that the Chaos forces are starting to wear thin on the now-worthless planet.

On top of that, Cadia took so fucking long to go down that the Imperium is entrenched deep into neighboring planets waiting for a second coordinated wave of Chaos attackers that is increasingly unlikely to show up. Needless to say, there are more than a few commanders that think having all these forces sitting around essentially doing nothing was a massive waste, when they could instead be bringing the fight to the Great Enemy...

More worryingly, a detachment of the [[Adeptus Custodes]] has been sent there by order of the Captain-General. Specifically, the Custodes in charge of ensuring the Age of Strife-era horrors contained in the Imperial Palace's prisons (the mere knowledge of which could wreck the Imperium should they ever be known about) stay there. Seeing that several of said horrors were scattered across the galaxy by Chaos after the Great Rift opened, odds are that whatever the golden bananas were sent there for is ''very bad news''.

Moral of the Story: [[Humanity Fuck Yeah|Humans are incredibly good at creating superweapons.]]

==New Cadia==

In the wake of the Exodus from Cadia, several surviving regiments found themselves in the Agripinaa System. Those lucky enough not to be "volunteered" into servitor-dom by the neighboring forge-world of Agripinaa (which was unlikely to mess with a ton of the best army around and one so famous and beloved by the Imperium and important that screwing with them could get Agripinaa blown up) still had to fight off pursuing Chaos forces, which included renegade Astartes warbands from the [[Sons of Malice]] and the [[Crimson Slaughter]]. One of these forces, led by General Gruber, made its last stand on ice moon of Faith's Anchorage. Although they were eventually overwhelmed, the Cadians went down fighting, with General Gruber himself -- an old man noted in-universe to neither be particularly brave ''or'' inspirational -- spitting defiance at his slayers, and doing one final banzai charge with his power sword.

So focused were the Chaos forces on annihilating Gruber's forces that they didn't notice the ''other'' parts of the Cadian Exodus that had translated into the outer system -- which included elements of the battered but unbowed Battlefleet Cadia. Eager for vengeance, the Cadians fell upon the Chaos Fleet, but even with their numbers it was a close thing, due to the damage the Imperial Fleet had already received prior. Then out of nowhere, the Space Wolf [[Strike Cruiser]] ''Stiklestad'' entered the fray, and soon the odds were tipped in the Imperials' favor.

Very quickly, the forces that had destroyed General Gruber's forces found themselves stranded on Faith's Anchorage as the Stiklestad's crew demonstrated what happens when you face Astartes boarders to their ships. With nowhere to go, the Heretics soon found themselves facing regiment upon regiment of very VERY angry Cadian Shock Troopers. It took two weeks to comprehensively clear Hope's Anchorage of Heretic filth.

The Cadians were ''very'' thorough.

In the wake of this, the highest commanding officer of the Cadian military, General Benedikt of the 101st, consolidated his weary and battered forces on Chaeros, the 7th world of the Agripinaa system. It was soon renamed '''New Cadia''', a place to lick wounds and mourn lost comrades, a new place to call home, and a place to strike back from when the time finally came.

As for the other Cadian regiments, it says something that even after the destruction of their homeworld, Cadian regiments are still making up the bulk of the Guard forces in the Vigilus campaign. Even the Cadian 8th is active in the campaign, though they've renamed themselves '''Creed's Legacy'''. New troopers are made up of descendants of original regiment men and survivor colonists.

{{40k-Imperial-Regiments}}

{{40k-Planets}}

[[Category:Imperial]]

If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device

2021-11-14T19:28:12Z

2601:449:8280:2630:98A6:8027:1751:4353: /* The Imperial Army Imperial Guard Astra Militarum WALL of GUNS */

{{Cleanup}}
{{Spoilers}}
[[File:If-the-emperor.png|500px|right|thumb|]]
{{Topquote|'''The LORD:''' "You've nothing more to say to me? You come but to complain unendingly? Is never aught right to your mind?" '''Mephistopheles:''' "No, Lord! All is still downright bad, I find.|Goethe's Faust, Prologue in Heaven.}}

The fallen will forever be remembered as the Emperor's finest.

A Youtube series created by Bruva Alfabusa, the show follows the exploits of [[Emprah]] himself in his quest to bring the Imperium of Man to its former glory, helped by the Captain-General of the [[Adeptus Custodes]] (nicknamed "Little Kitten"[[C'tan|...ha]] by his disrespectful underlings), Magnus the Red (now both ensouled and forgiven), and a hilarious cast of other major 40k characters. The series has become a huge success mostly by poking fun at many of the memes, traditions, and quirks of the 40k universe and the fandom, but also by some very awesome scenes, and, of course, great music. This shit has become so popular that it has its own fanfiction (one of which ended up gaining multiple meta-Fanfictions of its own (Does that make them a fanfic... within a fanfic... within what's essentially the video version of a fanfic?)), and there's even a few quotes from the show scattered through the affected characters' pages here. Seriously.

Most fans agree that, while a wild and very unserious take on the 40k universe, and the episodes are often littered with injokes (to the point of one regarding Magnus's VA taking up an entire special), the plot itself isn't actually that outlandish. If the Emps would wake up, it's pretty much a given that he would remove the worst parts of the Inquisition in short order, as well as enacting extensive reforms throughout the rest of the Imperial bureaucracy, while probably being an ass, as he always was. The unsure part is if the Emps would have learned from his 10,000 years of mistakes, which the series believes he has, deep inside. Doesn't help his [[Rage|temper]] though. Ultimately, the 40k universe in its infancy was also originally very wild, unserious, and full of injokes.

The series began back during the unending plot stagnation that had happened between third and seventh, though now that the plot's actually begun to move forward for a change, the series has seen some events unfold that mirror or reference the ongoing advancement of the official 40k plot.

The so-called "TTS-verse" also includes Karl the Deranged's series [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5enLrHSMuIs Chaos Descends], and Eliphas the Inheritor's [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1cXYan0NQA Behemoth] trilogy. "Specials" are slated for story content that takes place outside the throne room. The show also has an in-character podcast that reviews [[Black Library]] books called ''If The Emperor Had a Podcast.'' As in, they go to the Webway Black Library, and pick up books published by GW's Black Library.

In July 2020, a spin-off of the spin-off series ''Bro-Trip 40,000'' was launched. The series, known as [https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLWK8vQC22MgykekzOVpFanOREYV7cY9pL ''WarHams''], consists of tabletop sessions played in [[Wrath and Glory]] with some of the voice actors and writers of TTS.

However, in the grim dark present of the 3rd millennium, on July 29, 2021 Alfabusa made a decision to pause If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device indefinitely due to GW's bullshit new "Zero Tolerance" policy towards fan animation. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXljeaktnDA Full video statement here.]] It should be noted that Bruva Alfabusa's patreon income more than doubled after this announcement, as a result of collective community support (and collective RAGE at GW).

==Dramatis Personae==
Starting off with a few characters, the series has evolved to encompass a fuckton of major and minor characters, with their own small arcs and all. It's not quite [[Order of the Stick|OotS]] level, but it's getting there.

===Team Emperor===
[[Image:Pleased Emprah.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Emperor of Mankind]]''': The Emprah, who's now able to verbally communicate with people after Techpriests installed a text-to-speech device on his throne. Do you know how Roboute Guilliman is a 'jerk with a heart of gold'? Well the Emperor is a massive frothing plasteel power ceramite spiked dickbag with tourettes and a heart of gold/platinum alloy <s>studded with diamonds</s> that menaces with spikes of diamond. Is currently planning to rebuild the Imperium after hearing the clusterfuck of stories from his Captain-General caretaker. He also has a pet [[Centurion Squad|Centurion]] (who turns out to be rather an important person of the Primarchial variety), which he finds adorable, while finding [[Dreadknight]]s abominable.

He is a jerk, frequently insulting the Captain-General with little reason other than he can (and because it's funny), and dialogue with Magnus implies he's always been a prick. Nonetheless he is ultimately a sympathetic character who wanted to create a better future for humanity and the comedic outrage he displays at all the bad news he gets is justified given how he frequently hears about costly victories that could have been avoided if the men in charge were less incompetent and how the Imperium has been destroying itself (usually because of the Inquisition).

The Emperor has a new plan for defeating Chaos after the "starve them out by getting rid of religion" plan didn't work, but like before, he refuses to tell anyone what that plan is (although this time around, it's apparently not because he doesn't trust anyone, but because he doesn't want to spoil the surprise. Though it's probably sending the Ultramarines to destroy Chaos). As of certain revelations post-Gathering Storm, he's definitely a lot nicer than canon Emprah. Such as getting incredibly furious when he hears that the Inquisition has been murdering his people, reading Rogal a bedtime story (which, naturally, is a guidebook to being an architect) and such. This Emperor seems to honestly care about each individual human but accepts that his decisions cannot be based on that compassion.

Last we see of Emps shows off one of the most human moments of his existence. Kitten is sadly killed after being ambushed by Belisarius Cawl and a myriad of Ad Mech cheese units. Despite Big E's ridiculing of Kitten in the past, the Captain-General's death enraged the Emperor to no end, his psychic power reaching its peak and nearly tearing Terra in half in a bout of rage that is equal to, if not surpasses, Khorne's daily mirror screaming session. Fortunately Rogal was able to calm him down by donning his Centurion armor and leaps at his father, calming the shrieking skeleton and causing rain to pour across Terra as the Emperor's rage turns to sadness.

**'''The Star Child''': Spoiler alert on this one, but Emps on Terra isn't the only part of Emps still sticking around. If the foreshadowing is anything to go by, he seems to be the largest non-Throne fragment of the Emperor's soul that contains his compassion and love for mankind. Saved the remainder of the Inquisition and Leman Russ from Skarbrand and is currently hijacking Fyodor's body in order to get back to the Material Realm.

[[Image:Sad Kitten.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''Custodes Captain-General (aka Kitten (Real Name: Captain-General Kittonius etc. etc. etc. (as far as Spacebattle’s concerned)))''': Captain-General of the [[Adeptus Custodes]] and the only <s>Custodes</s> [[Companion|Hetaeron]] who appears to have retained most of his sanity after the near-death of the Emperor (as can be seen in the latest episodes, the rest of the Custodes seem to have maintained some form of balance). He serves as both the Emperor's personal caretaker and assistant, and pretty much the only person he regularly talks to and his main link to the outside world.

Generally, the only person the Emperor trusts and treats like a son, albeit constantly berating him whenever he does something stupid, or because he just feels like it. He also seriously hates [[Tau]]. One episode implies that it is because [[Shadowsun]] spurned him for the Greater Go'''OHISWEARTOFUCK THAT WAS ''NOT'' FUCKING CANON!''' He is named ''Little Kitten'' by his fellow Custodes, for "purring his way so far into their ranks", but his real name is a long seemingly nonsensical word salad supposedly based on his accomplishments...

But given how he's been stuck in the palace for the last ten thousand years said accomplishments include things like "Goldilocks-Sunshine-Graham-Corncob". His frequent emotional outbursts despite the supposed emotionless state of the Custodes is intentional and played for humor. After being forced out of the position of the caretaker by his fellow Custodes, Kitten fell into a depression, to which Magnus ominously is taking advantage of by making Kitten his ally in making the Imperium great again and totally not get back at the old man.

So far all he has done was kill a bunch of Lacrymoles that were impersonating the High Lords of Terra. It has been revealed that his uncanny knowledge of the outside world (considering the hate of knowledge in the Imperium in general) could come from the Black Library itself. Has become a master of [[Paradox poker|Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker]] (which is literally just [[Yu-Gi-Oh]] here), defeating not only the Emperor (because of his refusal to unplug Guilliman) but also Tzeentch of all things. <s>He has recently been turned silver</s> by Tzeentch while playing a children's card game (again) and winning over Magnus the Red’s soul.

As of Episode 27, GLORIOUS GOLDEN ARMOR RESTS UPON HIS BREAST ONCE AGAIN, albeit with a bit of silver. In episode 25, the duo arrived on Nocturne and went to 'borrow' the Engine of Woes. At this point, Magnus accidentally kills Vulkan with the engine, which releases Corvus Corax, who was in there the whole time. The Salamanders and Corvus quickly became hostile to Magnus, however, so he teleported himself and Kitten away. He later gets lost in the warp, encounters Crotalids, and plays COD with Apollo Diomedes and Indrick Boreale.

He's now on Mars in order to find and retrieve the Proteus Protocol, a mythical technology that can supposedly bring back Big E, with a retinue of Custodes (including the most FABULOUS dreadnaught in the entire Imperium). Sadly did not appear in Special 6, when the gang played <s>Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay</s> D&D. He and his Custodes henchmen defeat the Fabricator-General in a song-battle and learn the location of the Proteus Protocol in Ep. 28, before his underlings finally accept him and let him know that being cuddly and kindhearted is exactly what the Custodes and the Imperium need in the 42nd millennium (after all, the Imperium has enough warriors. What it really needs is a DADDY).

Sadly, in Episode 30 he has fallen in battle against Cawl and his Skitarii forces, and thanks to FUCKING GW, he will never rise again (he would have risen with the Proteus protocol if episode 31 ever happened)

**Is most likely ''not'' Constantin Valdor or Trajann Valoris, given the latter didn't exist when the series was first made and the former's fate is unknown in the canon. The entire point of the running gag regarding his name is likely to distance himself from any of the canon Captain-Generals. However, it is worth noting that the armor he starts wearing as of EP27 is directly based on Valoris' miniature, though with silver parts thanks to Tzeentch's sorcery, and with the feather on his armor replaced with one of Magnus' instead.
**Episode 28 puts the matter to rest: He is NOT Constantin Valdor or Trajann Valoris. However, according to official GW canon, a Centurion named Longinus was the one who took St. Alicia Dominica and her bodyguards into the Sanctum Imperialis during the Age of Apostasy- something Kitten also did in Ep. 3 or of the same name. It stands to reason that Kitten is Longinus, then.

*'''[[Magnus the Red]]''': The closest thing to a sane person besides the Captain-General (who plays the straight man depending on the situation), and occasionally plays "devil's advocate" as a result. He was retrieved from wherever within the Warp by the sheer plot-armor-powered efforts of [[Cato Sicarius]] and then brought to the Golden Throne, followed by the Emperor bullying [[Tzeentch]] in order to steal back Magnus' soul.

Touched, he somehow managed to forgive the Emperor (sort of) and decided to help the Emps with his plan to fix the Imperium, but Emps being a jerk to him is starting to test his patience. The shiny new bike he was given helped with their reconciliation... buuuut, Emprah being Emprah, it didn't take long enough to start insulting and mocking Magnus back and forth constantly. (Nice Dad skills, really). He may not be actively working for Chaos anymore, but he also quickly runs out of patience with his father and is attempting to fix the Imperium without his help, partly because he has serious doubts about his current sanity (which is kind of justified), and partly just to spite him.

Fortunately, as a Primarch and a particularly knowledgeable one at that, Magnus can probably get it done just fine on his own. Magnus turns into a [[neckbeard]]ed daemon cyclops [http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/mediawiki/images/9/9a/MagnusEpic.jpg that is a bit reminiscent of his] old [[Epic]] model, whenever he enters [[rage]] mode - usually prompted by any mention of [[furries|Space Wolves]], causing him to flashback to the Burning of [[Prospero]]. He's currently undertaking some obscure schemes with the unwitting aid of the Captain-General Kitten, including the attempted assassination of the [[High Lords of Terra]] and "borrowing" the Engine of Woes from Nocturne.

While playing with an ouija board on board a ship with Kitten, Tzeentch arrives to "reclaim" custody of him from his "abusive" father and morphs him back into his Daemon Prince form. It took Kitten playing a child's card game (again) with Tzeentch to keep Magnus out of his clutches. On the other hand, Magnus is stuck in his Daemon Prince form while Kitten theoretically owns his soul (much to his embarrassment and dismay). In episode 25, the <s>couple</s>'''Partners*''' arrived on Nocturne and went to 'borrow' the Engine of Woes. Magnus decides to sneak into the base instead of using his OP invisibility though after a bit of poking at Kitten (it involves Tau, guaranteed to piss him off) then decides to go yell in a North England accent at a guard.

The Engine of Woes, a green hatchback car (<s>the infamous Fiat Multipla</s> a Smart Fortwo) then released Corvus Corvax after Magnus killed Vulkan for hugging him, prompting the entire chapter of the Salamanders to pop up and become very hostile with Magnus (which basically equates to ''purposefully'' hugging you so hard your spine snaps, instead of accidentally doing so). Corax isn't happy either, as he was released from his super dark hole after thousands of years, which forces Magnus to teleport himself and Kitten away.

Vulkan suddenly super healed himself again and wants to hunt/hug Magnus. Later, when Kitten chooses his <s>army list</s> delegation for the trip to Mars, Magnus seems to embrace his inner neckbeard in a different way. After Kitten went on his trip, he met the Emperor to inform him about their return, and as predicted earlier, he was bombarded with chicken jokes instantly. Surprisingly enough, Dorn was the one who complimented him on his new visage. Dawwww... [[Extra Heresy|Magnus controversially thinks Taco Tuesdays should be held on Fridays While still being called Taco Tuesdays.]]

Currently perusing the Black Library for any mention of Cypher. <s>This means we’ll probably see him next around episode 50 as he’ll inevitably get sidetracked and read every book in the Black Library in his incessant thirst for knowledge.</s> Nevermind, [[Cegorach]] showed up to stop them from doing anything and instead challenged Magnus to a comedy battle in front of a Harlequin Troupe. This went about as well as one would expect, with Magnus' dry, cynical sense of 'humor' being beaten out by Cegorach's somehow even more horrid sense of 'humor' involving copious amounts of dead memes that would probably result in Cegorach's immediate strike from a banhammer would he be on /tg/. Magnus nearly commits unintentional suicide though due to using way too much self-deprecative humor, as such comedy causes people's souls to die and wither away and since Magnus is a Warp projection this nearly kills him, like dead dead. But Cegorach calls the battle a draw after some convincing and deal-making with the Fabulous Custode and sends him to help [[Eldrad]] awaken [[Ynnead]] instead...

*'''Mini-Magnus'''* Upon sending Captain-General Kitten on his way to Mars, Magnus plucks off a tuft of his daemonic wings and places them on Kitten's Captain-General armor. By focusing on the feathers and saying "Mini-Magnus! Come forth!" it summons a miniscule version of Magnus with a nasally voice and simple personality defined by drawing out words and replying in simple phrases. This Mini-Magnus will pop forth announcing "It meeeeeeeeeeee". Mini-Magnus acts friendly towards Kitten and is supposedly incapable of lying as Kitten probes him for information regarding the Proteus Protocol and Magnus' true intentions with Mini-Magnus revealing that if Magnus is lying than he shall "Shed my skin, innards, and bone to become a curse upon big-Magnus perennially." proving that though he is a part of Magnus, he is entirely willing to curse Magnus.

**Magnus is quite fond of tabletop games and created a decent character, Magnar Buckethead, for an upcoming game with the rest of the delegation, spending a week writing his backstory. But since only he and the Grand Provost Marshal read the rules, he had to be GM. Then he used Buckethead as a starting NPC that gave a first quest for the characters of his comrades, only to get brutally killed afterwards due to horrible decisions and even worse rolls.

Seeing his character [[your_dudes|on whos creation he spent so much effort]] getting [[Khorne|Bled]], [[Tzeentch|Backstabbed]], [[Nurgle|Being thrown shit at (literally)]] and [[Slaanesh|Mutilated]] naturally enraged him. Compounded with all the rest of the rail-breaking the party committed on his eloquently-crafted plot, he spent the rest of the campaign he trying to get other characters killed in various ways and failing.

*<s>'''[[Rogal Dorn]]'''</s> '''Lord Ador(n)able:''' Primarch of the [[Imperial Fists]]. Is revealed as the Emperor's personal Centurion, with whom he had nightly cuddling sessions prior to his reveal. He came out of hiding after Kitten brought up the topic of discussing the [[Space Wolves]], where he vehemently suggested not to discuss the Wolves to prevent Magnus from spazzing out. His extreme bluntness is shown to be less because he is an asshole and more because he is extremely oblivious and literal-minded and his stubbornness, a trait ingrained also in his legion, grants him such a closed-minded view and lack of understanding of social situations that he almost always fails to read sub-texts or commonly understood jokes/innuendos.

Then again, given at one point he drops his stoic facade to chuckle at the Emperor being hypocritical about skeleton worship (while claiming his favorite humor is actually the analysis of reality, e.g. "Slapping your hands together to make noise is a strange way of expressing praise"), he could just be trolling everyone by acting the laconic fool in response to "fool-proof" metaphors. Additionally, in episode 24 it is greatly implied he is fully aware of everything going on, including the Emperor's plans, implying he has some form of "super-sanity". Or maybe it's due to using a fucking chainsword to scratch his head.

Before his disappearance, he used to consult his "magic pain glove" until his hand fell off. Despite his eccentricities and his probable inability to understand sarcasm, he can still make surprisingly lucid observations such as that the End Times are coming and that not even the Chaos Gods will survive the inevitable heat death of the entire universe. He even manages to, perhaps unwittingly, [https://youtu.be/ihskUz0obzY?t=390 deliver one of the sickest burns yet on the Emperor], leaving him speechless.

Actually, nearly every line he spouts is full of unintentional hilarity. Is fully capable of "The Laughter". Also believes fully that the "Taco Tuesday" is the true path, and disbelieves that "Taco Friday" is a thing, accusing his father of being a liar for implementing such a belief, making Rogal start the "[http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/heresy/thedornianheresy.pdf Dornian Heresy]", end of the taco Friday, and possibly the end of Emps---{{BLAM}} Very protective of Boy, to the point of actually becoming emotional at the prospect of him being traumatized, and also willing to risk a fortified window or two in order to chuck the Pillar-stodes from them should they keep threatening the child.

As of Episode 12, most major characters "bend" while they are moving, as opposed to them just moving statically like in earlier episodes. Dorn is the only major character who does not do this. Makes sense, knowing the guy.

*'''Boy''': A young serf boy who operates the voxcaster during the Emperor's podcasts and sort of tagalong kid and resident punching bag. He has another name, but because he was too slow in saying it, The Emperor decreed that his name is "Boy". Originally incredibly meek and timid due to serving Big E himself, he has recurrent bouts of hyperventilation and anxiety, he later starts to grow a spine and become more self-confident while also becoming physically stronger due the need of walking from his hab-block to the Inner Sanctum while skipping through the throngs of pilgrims at the Palace, avoiding deadly booby-traps and scaling the stairs to the Throneroom.

Apart from operating the vox caster and often times being an unfortunate butt monkey, his other role is representing the knowledge of the average Imperial citizen, which is unsurprisingly abysmal due the lack of education (or in the case of some people, the need to make up for comprehensive education). Has become more intelligent due to Dorn (who had quickly grown fond of him) tutoring him to the point of summarizing the Black Templars in their entirety based on vague information and pointing out chapter flaws AND possibly [[Chapter Master (game)|immense numbers of Chaplains and Apothecaries of which even the High-Marshal apparently was not aware off]], [[Administratum|nor the Emperor & company noticed]]. Is friends with Billy, and in the process of bonding with Magnus the Red of all people due being similarly one-eyed and capable to see horrific warp phenomena (though he has since had a cybernetic replacement installed in the socket).

Additionally, he wishes to be an Astartes, and due to the fact that there's a Chapter of them who keeps their Star-Fortress Monastery parked in orbit most of the time with their [[Rogal Dorn|Primarch]] being basically his adoptive father, it isn't that far fetched. He managed to get the only surviving [[Warhammer_40,000/Tactics/Talons_of_the_Emperor_(30k)#HQ|Tribune]] to dawww at his child-like wonder, and told the Shield-Captain to [[Imperial Guard|"Eat the death-porridge, sir!"]]

Also he kicked and beat his Overseer to death for being demeaning to him and threatening to murder his entire family and all his associates; because said Overseer simply couldn't imagine a mere novice would be allowed in the Emperor's presence and believed he was outrageously lying and blaspheming. In the process though, he had his eardrums blown out by the Overseer's Ass-Hailer security guard (and here too got cybernetic replacements afterwards). It appears he lived in a district close to an outpost of the [[Skaven|"underground rattie imperigum"]], hinting the Great Horned Rat and the Skaven may have truly managed to invade the 40k reality, probably thanks to the use of transdimensional Gnawholes gone awry. He (and presumably his family) now live in the Sanctum.

He quickly became a mascot for the populace of the Empire as a whole and as of Episode 29 has officially become a character in the primary series. He is last seen feeling unimaginable agony in his remaining eye after the sheer degeneracy of [[Asdrubael_Vect|Asdrubael Vect fucking with the Star-Fyodperor so hard it renders the]] anti-Commoragh glasses worthless.

===Imperials (So sorta good guys)===
[[Image:Pillar-Stodes.png|thumb|right|From right to left: Wamuudes, Custodisi, and Karstodes.]]
*'''The Pillar-stodes (Wamuudes, Custodisi, and Karstodes)''': Some of the Emperor's personal companions from the Great Crusade days, and the current Tribunes of the Adeptus Custodes. As far as the main TTS-Reaction thread's concerned, their real names are Karius Dolman, Disistan Flavius, and Whamusus Balik. After his interment into the Golden Throne, the rest of the Custodes have shed their armor as a sign of mourning. (though Whammuudes has other reasons involving the emperor's...[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aT2y2tvmeA0 undesirables])

This, however, has also caused them to become fabulous hedonists, which greatly disturbs the Emperor. Not only do they somehow not take it to a Slaaneshi-tier extreme, they actually despise Slaaneshi daemons the most, much to the Emperor's confusion. They also have no respect for their Captain General and don't even seem to remember that he's their superior, actually [[Just As Planned|taking away his job as the emperor's caretaker by doing something for him]]. They constantly slip innuendos into their conversations, much to the discomfort of everyone involved, except for Rogal (who is too literal-minded to notice).

A running gag with them is that whenever the Pillarstodes come into a scene, they would dynamically jump in from nowhere with their own [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUhVCoTsBaM personal theme song], and also make obscure Jojo references at times. The three Pillarstodes' appearances are based on the Pillar Men from [[JoJo's Bizarre Adventure]]: Battle Tendency; a group of fabulously well-built, half-naked Aztec vampire demigods seeking immortality. They do have discernible personalities, though;
**Karstodes is a spotlight-hogger who is desperate for the Emperor's attention, which makes him act like a yes-man and threaten anyone who dares even hint at disagreeing with Big.E with violence.
**Waamudes is the one making all the innuendoes, double-entendres and sees lewdness in all things. He's so good at oiling and greasing his fabulous body he's transcended friction (for the most part).
**Custodisi is at first sight the most sane of the three, having no qualms with plainly telling the Emperor he doesn't know something, or even daring voice dissent. Turns out he's... unhealthily... obsessed with Primarchs, however.

Two (Custodisi and Wamuudes) wind up encountering Cegorach in front of the Black Library. They manage to gain entrance and retrieve a surprising amount of literature on the White Scars, but are traumatized by the Laughing God & are mentally exhausted from sifting through so much knowledge. Apparently, Cegorach was quite scary, as they are terrified after hearing his "[BAZINGA]" cue; although it may simply be a reference to that one time when two Harlequins managed to enter the Imperial Palace and slaughtered a shit load of Custodes while claiming to have come in peace and simply want to deliver a message to the Emperor (and the best is that [[Heresy|one of them was saved by the Inquisition]] [[Extra Heresy|in the name of inter-species friendship]], in spite of the Captain-General being hell-bent on killing both), so it is actually no surprise at all that some Custodes have got massive traumas.

Recently, after the trip to the Black Library, Custodisi and Wamuudes have been semi-corrupted and began spouting Khornate speech and wishing to genocide the normies in the anger intervention against Helbrecht, high marshal of the [[Black Templars]]. (Actually, back in 2nd edition where you could play <s>Chaos</s>{{BLAM|'''REDACTED'''}} bands in an RPG fashion style, there was a tiny possibility for your lord of Choas to be a Custodes! So, <s>Chaos</s>{{BLAM|'''REDACTED'''}} Custodes are (were) canon... and compared to modern Geedubs, this show relies quite a lot on old [[fluff]]). Recently, Custodisi has been theorized to have been Horus’d by Emps after he mentioned the sheer concept of “wincest” within metaphysical earshot of '''YA BOI'''.

He later appeared in the 6th special, apparently having been transported to the WARHAMMER Fantasy world, where he encountered the main cast playing at game of Fantasy Roleplay and killed a bunch of their characters. Interestingly, Custodisi lost an arm in this fight, just as ACDC/Elsidisi, the character he's based on, lost an arm fighting Joseph in Battle tendency. Custodisi has since "returned from hell" with a few trophies, a prosthetic arm, and a more humble attitude. Due to his good luck at being voiced by the series creator, Wamuudes leads the voxcasts, as well as having a set of vox logs of his own.

Meanwhile, whilst Custodisi and Waamudes had their heretical swings, Karstodes seems to have been on a path to improvement which culminated in ep. 28 when he recognized how unfair he had been to the captain general and resigned as caretaker. The Emperor was genuinely surprised and impressed by the Custodian's sudden insight, and praised Karstodes for having reached that conclusion of his own volition. Envigorated, Karstodes pledged to the Emperor to continue on his path of self improvement. He has a love-hate relationship with Boy, as Karstodes childishly competes for the Emperor's attention every second he is on screen.

This becomes even more intense when it's revealed that although frequently mocking Boy for his ignorance, Karstodes cannot read.

*'''Diavolodes''': Another crazy Jojo-Custodes (this one is based on Diavolo from part 5), he appeared out of the blue and asked Kitten and Magnus if they knew who he was, and was content to hear that they didn't. Once alone, he started to laugh maniacally, declaring that soon the new Emperor would be him, Diavodes! Also [[Alpha Legion|may or may not]] be [[Alpharius|a familiar face]] in disguise. He appears about 11 minutes into episode 22, and may have tagged along with Kitten's Mars expedition under the name Lrak (Nude-stodes figure appears during the pan out before Magnus sends them to Mars saying something about "Wanting to play among the Dunes"). Has a strange obsession with piss.

*'''Mars Delegation''': As part of the Captain General's mission to secure some choice intel from the Fabricator-General, he decided to grab a few particular allies from the various shield hosts.
**'''Hammurabi Unferth''': Shield Captain from the Emissaries Imperiatus. Apparently, the entire host is skilled in being passive-aggressive with the guilt trip, and he's the best at it. During the mars trip he is shown to be also pretty good at direct intimidation when needed and that he is a staunch supporter of kitten.
**'''Lockwarden of the Shadowkeepers''': The Shadowkeepers are the shield host specialized in guarding the vaults of Terra and the abominations within, one of which is an archaeotech monstrosity formed from a Singing Billy Bass. The Lockwarden seems to end all his sentences with shades emotes and has a...peculiar manner of speech. <s>He seems to have helped Kitten deal with his break up with Shado</s>'''NOT FUCKING CANON''' <s>and still gives him advice on the ma</s>'''NO NO NO'''. Love is a strange thing, dude B)
**'''Santodes''': Yep, you guessed it, a fourth Pillar-stodes, referencing Santana from JoJo, and voiced by none other than Curtis "'''Takahata101'''" Arnott himself. Santodes is a FULLY CLOTHED blue Contemptor-Achillus Dreadnought with a fabulous head of golden hair and a fascination for his frame that's on tier with his living counterparts. Santodes had previously been identified as the Custodes who threw himself in front of the Emperor (stripped down to his loin-cloth, no less) to try to upstage Ollanius Pius' sacrifice. He was put up to it by none other than Kitten, who has sheer passive-aggressiveness dripping off of him every moment Santodes is on screen. Hes also very seductive to Skitarii who find him very attractive (being 99.9% machine of the highest quality)

[[Image:High Lords Text.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''The [[High Lords of Terra]]''': The people responsible for running the Imperium itself. Despite this the majority of the High Lords never really discuss or do anything to the betterment of the Imperium and just act senile, usually discussing about subjects relating to defecation and its products, and once even planning to outlaw breathing for everyone but them. For this reason, Magnus wants them all dead and handle governing the Imperium directly, but Kitten may have succeeded in convincing them not to fuck over the Imperium so much.

Apparently, the High Lords are commonly recruited from the Old Folks' planet, a retirement home so terrible that the High Lords have banned ever saying its name. There are currently 5 (technically 7 if you count the Head Scribe and Fyodor) High Lords featured, aside from the Captain-General. The High Lords are currently enjoying their time off/wallowing in misery thanks to the fact that the Emperor has pretty much made them obsolete, especially after he made making new laws illegal.
[[Image:High Lords 2.jpg|thumb|right]]
:*'''[[Ecclesiarchy|<s>Ecclesiarch</s> Mancclesiarch]] Decius XXIII''': The only non-senile High Lord (so far, there's still more we haven't seen) aside from the Captain-General, who legitimately takes his post seriously, even standing up to Fyodor and forbidding him to shed a single drop of blood from Terra's population ([[rules lawyer|which Fyodor circumvented by using incendiary weaponry]]).

For not screwing up the Emperor's plan, not being an overzealous bag of insanity, and rushing to try to save the Emperor when Fyodor stormed Terra's Palace he is allowed to stay leader of the Ecclesiarchy, even as the Emps is disbanding it/just changing every mention of '''God'''-Emperor to '''Man'''-Emperor, due to the fact that he and those who obeyed Emprah now are in charge of reforming the Imperium from the craphole it has sunk in. [[Space Marines|Loyalty to the man rather than the word]] finally paid off.

Just about everyone mocks him for his hat, which gets limp or...stiff depending on his emotional state, leading to his nickname of Pope Shafthat XXIII [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pq-6aj9sNvo He proved that despite the crap others give him, he can make some pretty rousing speeches on the fly]. The Emperor is honestly pleased that Decius is genuinely loyal. When told by the Emperor that Emps is not a god, Decius is disappointed, but does not hesitate to accept it because his loyalty is strong enough that if the Emperor says he is not a god, then he is not a god.

He also was ready to do his best to disband the Ministorum despite knowing what the priesthood would do to him for such "heresy" because the Emperor said to. Ultimately, his genuine loyalty is heavily rewarded by the Emperor. It probably also helps that the Emperor doesn't force Decius or the Ecclesiarchy to stop worshipping him altogether, just as a God, instead allowing them to worship him as [[Humanity Fuck Yeah|the pinnacle of humanity and what everyone should aspire to]]. After all, he may not be a god, be he's still fucking awesome.
:*'''Fabricator-General of Mars''': The head of the Adeptus Mechanicus. Is so old that his voice stutters every time he speaks like a broken version of Stephen Hawking in addition to always speaking in little tunes. Constantly does nothing but insult his fellow High Lords for being made of flesh and recommend they swap out their fleshy bits for mechanical augmentations. According to other Magos, the Fabricator-General is also a massive junkie (literally as well as figuratively; his true form fills a room) and party animal and at the end of Episode 28, after being confronted by Dark Angels looking for Cypher, Asmodai <s>made him repent</s> MURDERED HIM VIOLENTLY.

He has recently been revealed to be utilizing the Proteus Protocol to survive repeated explosions and orders Cawl to liquidate the Custodes questing to retrieve the protocol. Gets hit very hard on the head by a Dark Angel Crozius Arcanum after suspected of knowing about the Fallen.
:*'''Grand Provost Marshal''': Head of the Adeptus Arbites, who does nothing but propose to make everything illegal. [[Judge Dredd|HE IS THE LAW]]... at least until The Emperor declares the act of making new laws to be illegal, something which utterly devastates him. This makes him surprisingly adept at tabletop roleplaying games as he read the rules and understood them even better than Magnus did.
:*'''Master of the Administratum''': The head of the Imperial bureaucracy. A bit less inept than the rest of the High Lords, he acts like your everyday senile grandfather.
:*'''Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard''': The leader of the Imperial Guard. Doesn't do much, apart from comparing war to the good ol' days. Aware enough to know that the removal of minor luxuries (laxatives, breathing) may have detrimental effects on the Imperial Guard. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUrhqCkYwps Lays a sicknasty dilarius biznasty beat.][https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wo5ro1nWsPU And has the bling to match.]

----

===The Ultrasmurfs===
Very obnoxious and accompanied by the Ultramarine Chant from Chaos Gate. They apparently cannot be defeated due to their literal use of the "holy Codex" from their "Spiritual Liege." Managing to do nigh impossible feats. While the Emperor is not amused with them at all, he tolerates their OP plot armor to do impossible tasks for him such as retrieving Magnus from the Eye of Terror (with their Gellar Field turned ''off'', of all things) with minimal casualties, finding and sneaking the rest of Vulkan's artifacts onto Nocturne, and (currently) outdancing the best Harlequin dancers in the Webway while searching for Jaghatai Khan. Other impossible tasks in the past include using a giant Necron Pylon as a melee weapon, outfighting a Transcendent C'tan shard and killing a Phantom Titan by punching it in the foot.
*'''[[Marneus Calgar]]''': Chapter Master of the Ultramarines. He's currently depressed and frustrated at the state of the Ultramarines where they basically win everything (due to their plot armor) as well as their strict adherence to the Codex Astartes to the point that it's no longer fun, nor satisfying, to win anymore. Due to this, his mood is eternally grumpy, only made worse by Sicarius' constant gloating. He actually seems to care deeply for the men under his command as he gets extremely pissed off when Sicarius put his marines at unnecessary risk to achieve another victory to inflate his reputation, so one could assume Sicarius is the exception. He also appears in a flashback during the second [[Tyranid]] war in Ultramar, where he did battle with the Swarmlord. [https://youtu.be/cB79pnU2f2I?t=5m30s While he put up a valiant fight, he found that they were equally matched, and thus, declared it a draw.] (also, that whole gag is a clear reference to a Monty Python movie about King Arthur, just search up “Monty Python black knight scene”) Blatant hints point towards a deal he made with [[Matt Ward|something]] to give his Chapter more victories (hinted to have begun during the Second Tyrannic War), which he deeply regrets. Best buds with [[Ciaphas Cain]]
*'''[[Illiyan Nastase]]''': Chief Astropath of the Ultramarines. He received a brief mention during Episode 25, when he delivered a message to the Ultramarines Chapter Master, but did not receive any screentime. Marneus Calgar is deeply resentful of Illiyan's existence, and very adamantly insists on pushing him out of the spotlight and removing all mentions of the half-Eldar's existence. Because yes, Half-eldar serving the Ultramarines are canon. (Seriously, why does everyone forget Nastase was never a marine to begin with?)
*'''<s>[[Cato Sicarius]]</s> Cunto Shitarius''': Current Captain of the Ultramarines 2nd company. Rather than an exaggeration of the canon Cato (who is a perfectly normal, bland Ultramarine) he's the physical embodiment of /tg/'s hatred of [[Matt Ward]]: a massive glory hound layered in plot armor, turned up to eleven, where he only cares for his advancement in the ranks of the Ultramarines and not much else. He apparently undertook the mission to capture Magnus the Red. Alone. Without his gellar field turned on, and his survival at such mission greatly pissed off Calgar to no ends (and someone on Spacebattles wrote a thread where he even pisses off Guilliman), who was hoping he would die. He is also very verbal about his intention to take the position of Chapter Master, which ''greatly'' upsets, or rather, very pisses off, Calgar (as Cato's dialogues largely implies that he's better than him and wishes for his death), to the point where he threatens to perform an [[Imperial Fists|"Imperial Fisting"]] upon Sicarius with his Gauntlets if he continues such thoughts. He also has a very egotistical, effeminate voice that can only be described as "the incredibly sanctimonious love child of tinnitus and a jackhammer", and he always refers to himself in the third person. [https://youtu.be/bM8YGsAmeqE?t=1m56s It's goddamn hilarious.]
*'''[[Uriel Ventris]]''': Current Captain of the Ultramarines 4th company. He doesn't have a lot of development yet, but appears as a close friend of Calgar and is the only one who's noticed the Ultramarines' theme of somehow always completing utterly suicidal missions. He comes to realize that some unknown force is tampering with space and time to rewrite history,([https://youtu.be/eG82ruvH0jc?t=120 Probably has to do with an ''itsy bitsy little'' '''SHARD''']) covering up the Ultramarines past failures and playing up their successes to impossible levels, and starts to suspect that Calgar knows more about this than he's letting on. He also loves to talk about the unique green trim in his armor. He ALSO hates Cunto Shitarius. Who doesn't?
*'''[[Roboute Guilliman]]''': The Emperor has regularly made a point of ordering the Custodes Captain-General to have him taken off life-support. Currently, the only reason he's still on it is Kitten winning an epic duel in a [[Yu-Gi-Oh|children's card game]] against the Emperor. The result of his actions and the Codex Astartes horrifies his father. Going by the previous canon of Guilliman perhaps actually regenerating from the wounds that supposedly killed him, the Empra likely wants the time stasis field deactivated so he can finally get off his fucking ass. Though if we're going by official canon, it seems that the Emprah's intervention is no longer necessary. Amusingly, canon Guilliman's reaction to the Imperium upon being woken up isn't ostensibly that different to TTSD Emperor's (minus the swearing, bullying, and psychic temper tantrums). This is also supported in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-Qt3SXfYf8 recent TTS-related content, when he was interrogated by Cyberdong the Techpriest].

===Team Friendly Crusade of Friendly Friendship===
*'''[[Ferrus Manus]]:''' Primarch of the [[Iron Hands]]. Due to him being dead, he only appears as a ghost. Strangely, only Vulkan and Corax are able to see and hear him, leading other people like Magnus to think that his brothers have gone insane (probably because they were at Isstvan V and watched him die). He does nothing but tells Vulkan and Corax that they [[Adeptus Mechanicus|(and flesh)]] are weak. As for the latter "-is weak" statement, Vulkan bonks Brain-ghost Ferrus on the head saying "the real Ferrus Manus would say the opposite, ya' dumb ghostface idiot" which raises some questions about if it really is Ferrus' ghost. Only his head is visible, leading to Vulkan calling him a skull-ghost, a "Skost" if you will.

====Salamanders====
The Salamanders are a bunch of pyromaniacs in Cataphractii Terminator armor, infamous for their obsession with fire. They appear to be severely deaf, and are at least prone to talking in very loud voices, not hearing Kitten freak out next to them or the Ultramarines sneak the artifacts past them while their infamous theme song was blaring, and later not hearing a trapped Corax called out for help. They also seem to be oblivious to their Primarch's perpetual abilities, given that they're utterly shocked whenever Vulkan dies and resurrects again, despite personally witnessing it happen at least 6 times already, so far. The Emperor wonders if the Salamanders' pyromania had to do with his act of keeping their gene-seeds closer to the candle for warmth when he was creating them.

*'''[[Vulkan]]:''' Primarch of the [[Salamanders]]. After the Ultramarines found the remaining artifacts of Vulkan in secret for the Salamanders, Vulkan returned to the chapter, where his return was greeted with great adulation (VUVUZELAS). He is notably quite crazy, both haunted by the not-ghost with a not-face of Ferrus Manus. He speaks with a distinct South African/Jamaican accent and loves friendship, brotherhood, and cute animals (including Catachan Barking Toads, leading to some snoot-booping hilarity in the spin-offs). Died during his battle with the Beast, after pushing it into a reactor of WAAAGH energy, causing him to occasionally gain an Ork's eyes, violent vocabulary and speech patterns after his inevitable resurrection (which is hilarious when juxtaposed with his normally friendly speech). Dies again after Magnus unintentionally telepathically crushed him under The Engine of Woes, the trunk of which Vulkan had locked Corvus Corax in, then promptly got better within mere minutes. Has used the [[Grimdark|darkest corner of the universe]] as a place to relax for over 9000 years and work on his hobby, Battlemace 42,000,000. He is currently traveling with Corax & the Salamanders across the Imperium before returning to Terra to finish giving the spine-crushing hugs he wants to give to Magnus. Also, as of Ep.27, Magnus suspects Vulkan had his soul fused with a piece of the Ork gestalt consciousness, effectively making him a half-ork. Vulkan can apparently tap into said energies and channel it through his faith in the Emperor, and can also apparently communicate with animals via the power of friendship. As of Bro Trip 3, he has somehow vanished after making a shocking recovery from the symptoms of a virus bombing with his innate Orkiness.
*'''[[Vulkan He'stan|He'stan]]''': Forgefather of the Salamanders. He is seen sleeping on an anvil on fire when Cato Sicarius delivered the remaining artifacts to the Salamanders, literally driving them through the wall of the fortress into the Forgefather's personal chambers. Thinking he found the artifacts in his sleep, he subsequently declares himself to be best forgefather (and doesn't know that Vulkan was actually hiding for 9000 years in a very dark corner on the same planet). He also has a very Girlish Scream.
*'''[[Tu'Shan]]''': Chapter Master of the Salamanders. Rocks a sweet set of dragon armor and has a very knightly manner of speech. Expect to hear the phrase "My Primach!" in some form a few times per appearance.

====Raven Guard====
A bunch of emotional, apologetic emos in Corvus armor with Jump Packs and Lightning Claws.

*'''[[Corvus Corax]]''': Primarch of the [[Raven Guard]]. Apparently spent the past few millennia on [[Nocturne]], trapped in a 3rd millennium smart car referred to as the "Engine of Woes" while writing edgy poetry. Is accidentally freed by Magnus when he uses the Engine of Woes to fight off Vulkan. Currently accompanying the Salamanders on a trip to the Imperial Palace. His personality is, hilariously, one of an edgy teenage goth, with his self-hate and moodiness turned up to eleven. Wants to show the Emprah his edgy poetry. Magnus and Kitten freak out when he appears. Looks surprisingly like John Wick, or Samurai Jack during Season 5 with unwashed ammonia encrusted long hair. Willing to accept his own death rather than bring it upon his friends and allies. Is currently traveling the Imperium with Vulkan, where he constantly acts as the morose voice of reason to contrast Vulkan's joyful insanity. As of Bro-Trip 3, Corvus demonstrated immense disgust at learning of Joppal's excessively money-driven politics particularly when faced with the concept of the Indentured Squadrons. Forms an alliance with the Indentured leading them in a revolution against the planets' greedy, malformed leaders.
*'''[[Kayvaan Shrike]]''': Raven Guard Master of Shadows (AKA Chapter Master - '''because why not'''.). He seems to be fairly bipolar, going from jovial to depressed at the drop of a hat. Also makes bird noises. Vulkan noted he was also extremely polite and apologetic; often saying sorry for things that weren't even his fault or deflecting apologies to him for misfortune by saying he deserves it for being neglectful.
*'''Kadus''': In lore, Kadus is one of the most esteemed Space Marines in the Raven Guard Chapter and is one of Chapter Master Kayvaan Shrike's closest personal friends, having served together with him alongside his other friend, Corus, since their time as initiates. In the series, he accompanies Shrike and acts as his more level headed counterpart.

====Warhams Crew====
A side story of a side story about a small four-man team consisting of a [[psyker]] murderhobo, a [[Skitarii]] murderhobo, an incompetent [[Rogue Trader]], and an [[Acolyte|Inquisitorial Acolyte]] of the [[Ordo Xenos]] who is somehow the straight man of the group. They are the owners of the ''Debt Collector'', an Imperial ship that has gone several cycles without proper maintenance. Their job is to go to planets as ambassadors, and they are often left with the weirdest places, like a [[ratling]] [[agri world]], a <s>(deserted(?)) [[Necron]] [[tomb world]]</s> perfectly normal planet where times are great, a penal colony, and a hive world where the people are so backwater that they're space-hillbillies who keep their own blood in separate bags.

*'''Lorn''': A psyker from [[Fenris]] with a huge beard. He is batshit crazy most of the time, and the one of the most LOLrandom characters on the show. Once had his psychic power dampened and grew muscles the size of an Ogryn's as a result. Played by Zoran, who also voices [[Leman Russ]].
*'''π Braine''': A Skitarii hailing from Lemuria, an underwater [[Forge_World#Planet|forge world]]. He is the other LOLrandom character, who likes to roam the halls of the ''Debt Collector'' and randomly murder crew members he thinks are sabotaging the ship. Usually though, the sabotages are more than likely his. Played by SpeakerD, who also voices [[Asdrubael Vect]], and The emperor when not stuck on the throne.
*'''Captain Zedek''': The Rogue Trader that captains the ''Debt Collector''. Though it's hard to say what he actually does on the ship, as he seems perfectly content to let everyone else on the ship solve his problems. Now that he has an actual Tech-Priest on the ship -- who is far more competent in her leadership -- he feels slightly threatened in his authority. Also now a drug addict. Played by HulkyKrow, who voices Kayvaan Shrike.
*'''Reeb Van Horne''': The Inquisitorial Acolyte from the [[Ordo Xenos]]. Surprisingly the least insane member of the group, although he's had his moments, like trying to resurrect a dead techpriest (and succeeding). When the plot needs to move along, his character tends to take care of business. Played by Earndil.

===The Deathwatch===
Who are you gonna call if some nasty Xenos wont leave your basement - call the 'Deathwatch'. 100% guarantee to eliminate the vermin.... and nick its stuff. If not then theres no refunds- as we are probably dead.
*'''Calato''': A [[Deathwatch]] Champion from the Dark Angels. Originally from BEHEMOTH, Calato served under Inquisitor [[Kryptman]], spending more time irritably fixing recaf rather than fighting Xenos. Calato later shows up trapped in the warp with Karamazov and the rest of the Inquisition, where he had the balls to call Leman Russ a dogfucker to his face. Naturally, Russ was not amused. Later they made up over a pint of Fenrisian Ale, with Calato drunkenly embracing Russ as his "uncle... dog... my duncle!" He is later seen fighting against [[Plaguebearers]] during their defense of Khaine's gate, where Wilford forcefully dragged him out of combat after failing their squad's morale check, all the while demanding vengeance.

*'''Wilford''': A [[Deathwatch]] Apothecary from the Ultramarines, who mostly agreed to join the Deathwatch as he is unable to stand his chapter's insufferable self-superior attitude. Originally appeared in BEHEMOTH, but accompanied Calato during Fyodor's assault in the Emperor palace, and subsequently banished to the Warp during that event. He's obsessed with keeping everyone's health optimal, constantly berating and advising them to avoid further or future injury and illness.

===The Dark Angels===
The Inner Circle are a ragingly paranoid group of neurotic basketcases, far more so than in canon. Keep having to make non-circle marines [[RIP AND TEAR |"repent"]] for overhearing them discussing the Fallen very loudly.

*'''[[Azrael]]:''' Chapter Master of the [[Dark Angels]]. He's depicted as an overly paranoid wreck, obsessing about [[Cypher]], the [[Fallen Angels]] and constantly telling any non-inner circle member that reports to them that they're doing nothing suspicious and secretly heretical. The fact that he had two newly indoctrinated inner circle members killed because they stumbled onto knowledge of the fallen (that he spat out in front of them) is played for laughs.
*'''[[Belial]]:''' Grand Master of the Deathwing. His emo personality is hilariously turned to eleven whenever he perceives himself or his chapter as not being perfect, which is every waking second. This curiously allows him to become more reasonable than the rest of the Inner Circle, allowing him to converse with other people that doesn't outright accuse or threaten them. He has an effeminate yet whiny voice similar to Thurston Howell III.
*'''[[Asmodai]]:''' The Dark Angels' Master of Repentance (which basically means "Violent Murdering" to him). Not nearly as a fun police officer as his canon counterpart; his personality is psychotically intense, often telling people to redeem themselves or he'll do the actual redemption. However, given his views on "redemption", it usually doesn't end well (it tends to involve a crozius to the face). He's also as every bit as paranoid as Azrael. [https://youtu.be/M56aycpd9kA?t=19m55s REPENT, MOTHERFUCKER.]
*'''[[Watchers in the Dark|Watcher in the Dark]] (aka Snurko):''' A Watcher that accompanies Azrael, who is apparently the only one of its kind who can talk. It suddenly spoke of Cypher while in the presence of two newly indoctrinated inner-circle Angels, [https://youtu.be/M56aycpd9kA?t=17m48s prompting Azrael to hilariously beat the shit out of it.] His speech and mannerisms appear to be based off Orko from the He-man series.

===The White Scars===
*'''[[Jaghatai Khan]] (Honoured Be His Name)''': Primarch of the White Scars. During the Horus Humbug, he managed to pull off the amazing feat of standing still for more than 20 seconds (while standing on a Razorback going at 200 miles per hour). After the Codex announcement, he may be in [[Commorragh]], as he desired to [[meme|go fast]] and beat [[Dark Eldar|"those knife-eared assholes"]] in their jetbike races. Not much is known about his whereabouts right now, but it does mean that we will get to see him. Also, the Emperor has stolen at least one of his bikes from his room. There are many bets on his character vibrating rapidly in place. Made a five second cameo at the end of the 29th episode.
*'''[[Kor'sarro Khan]]''': The White Scars' Master of the Hunt and "the only White Scar worth mentioning". While he hasn't appeared, he is talked about at length in a public broadcast on the subject of the White Scars chapter. While Emps and co. spend more time mocking Voldorius, The Emperor does briefly question why he isn't their Chapter Master, which is probably the biggest endorsement an individual Space Marine has gotten since the Horus Heresy.

===The Black Templars===
According to Rogal Dorn, the Templars are absolute lunatics obsessed with "PURGING WITH MY KIIIIIIIIIIIIIN". They enjoy listening to Linkin <s>Loyalists</s> Purge in their drop pods and ramming swords through Xenos skulls. Actually not that far off canon. They may be slightly improving after being forced/convinced to have ordinary humans, psykers, librarians, ratlings and all other sorts of abhumans in their ranks.
*'''Chaplain [[Grimaldus]]:''' Shows up in a filler short where he tries to ban the holiday of Sanguinala. The other Black Templars tell him he can't, prompting him to go to his bed and throw a loyalist tantrum.
*'''High Marshal Helbrecht:''' Received an anger management course from the Emperor and the custodians and was semi-convinced to teach the Black Templars to not be ''completely'' batshit insane. Also has a voice like that of a clown goblin gargling marbles. Prefers sitting on things that are [[Space Marines|''stiff'' and very ''hard'']] to things that are [[Tau|''soft'' and ''limp'']]. Was very pleased with the prospect of the Emperor shitting on the UltraSmurfs, a phrase he interpreted as being a literal desire to defecate upon them. [[/d/|'''Nasty.''']]

===The Space Corgis===
Renamed by official decree by the Emperor himself after being informed of how everything in their vernacular seemed to have been prefaced by the word "wolf", including curse words, such as Leman Russ replacing the word "fucking" with "wolfing". Their initiation rites for aspirants culminates in sending them through the Gate of Morkai to endure a [[Tzeentch|"squid"]] screaming at them without getting a boner (your guess as to ''how'' that might even occur).

*'''[[Leman Russ]]''': Primarch of the Space Corgis, been hiding in the Warp for eons and has the punching speed of a Super Saiyan. Has a verbal staredown with Karamazov, then proceeds to relentlessly mock him while obsessing over wolves. He also gives a thorough dressing-down of the 3 branches of the Inquisition, as well as the Deathwatch, Tempestus Scions and Sisters of Battle accompanying them (delivering the infamous line "Daemons of Khorne are gonna eat ya out like ice cream sandwiches once your Red Rage begins!"). He even has his own version of the [[meme|Navy Seal Copypasta]]. Despite being a Viking, he has a pseudo-Scottish accent specifically based on the late SeanConnery . Magnus has accused him of being a furry-fuck...He may not be wrong. He taught the Inquisition how to survive in the Warp by turning them into a drunken mob and killing innocent daemons. This includes pranks of various sorts, such as crank calling Furies, cockblocking a Daemonette at a bar (which actually kills it), ding-dong-ditching Skarbrand, and assaulting one of Nurgle's daemons with a fuckload of soap ''(and a bathtub)''. After learning that Magnus is currently located in the Imperial Palace, he decided to get out of the Warp and go back to Terra; this journey currently includes surviving an army from all the Chaos Gods led by some of the most infamous Daemons, then walking through the Gate of Khaine into Commuragh, and being escorted to the Dark Eldar Overlord Vect, alongside with Karamazov and Kaldor Draigo, He and Draigo or take into the arena, And are currently being held for ransom by vect. Is able to summon things by thinking about them really hard, ironically due to the fact that he is a psyker. He uses this ability to torture some Dark Eldar who challenged him to a game of 20 questions. Also appears to be friends with [[Boatmurdered|Urist Boatmurdered]]

*'''Space Wolves [[Wulfen]]''': Any mention of the Wulfen is normally echoed with someone bellowing "[[Digganobz]]" in a demented manner. This is referred within a Youtube short: the Grandmaster of the Grey Knights, Sir Covan Leorac, was presented an image of the Wulfen and he called them Digganobz. And yes, they really ''do'' look like Digganobz.

===The Grey Knights===
*'''[[Kaldor Draigo]]''': The Supreme Grand Master of the [[Grey Knights]], who is cursed to wander The Warp for eternity. Centuries wandering unrealspace however, eroded Draigo's sanity (at one point Leman questions if Draigo can even be considered sentient, which Draigo answers no), which might not be a bad thing as his craziness allows him to both stay in the warp without any trouble and murder daemons left and right (remember: the warp is a reflection of the minds of mortals and psykers can influence it to a higher degree. Draigo's insanity and powerful psychic talents allow him to shrug off the madness of the warp, simply because he believes without a shadow of a doubt that he can). He's made several appearances, first is annoying Fyodor's attack force after being banished into the warp by Magnus and later summoned by Kitten to handle Magnus' tantrum, which he does so in a split-second offscreen using inexplicable Mary Sue powers to defeat him. He now hangs around with Russ and company and is the only one besides Russ who can safely traverse the warp sober and troll daemons without his head exploding. Has apparently been sending Daemons (in the form of ordinary villagers, with jobs and families) into the "Super Warp" by throwing vortex grenades at them (given that they're already in The Warp, the grenades would suck them <s>to an even deeper version of The Warp</s> Back out into real space which, considering they’re demons, would mean that they would promptly die). Unfortunately, his [[Matt Ward|Wardian plot armor]] is not enough to protect him from one of the most powerful forces in the Warhammer universe: bad dice rolls (seriously, the dice they were using must’ve been horribly unbalanced). This shows quite painfully during the battle at Khaine’s Gate, where he repeatedly fails his psychic tests and charge attempts, causing a group of Tempesta scions, and a firing line of Sisters of Battle, to get brutally murdered by demons. he’s still a beast in close-combat though, as the Masque of Slaanesh can attest. Is known for insane ramblings that come out of pretty much nowhere, and make no sense, but are absolutely hilarious. Prominent quotes shall be listed in the bottom section. Briefly seen without his armor at the end of episode 28, letting us see that he is ''really'' out of shape. Turns out the reason he's so overpowered (and insane) is that the Deceiver shoved a shard of the Outsider into him.

*'''Covan Leorac''': A Grand Master of the Grey Knights. He appears in a short video where some Grey Knights report <strike>solid evidence of the [[Wulfen]] among the Space Wolves</strike> FAHCK YOU! DIGGANOBZ. However, Covan is absolutely convinced that they're Digganobz and not Wulfen, even hitting a Knight in the head for disagreeing with. Whether this is a jab at GW heavily basing the look of Wulfen on Digganobs or is in conscious denial to prevent the Grey Knights from waging a costly war upon the Space Wolves (again) is up to interpretation.

*'''Dread Knight''': The Emperor thinks its design is silly and looks like a baby cradle, but the Dread Knight proves to be as brave as it is massive, heroically charging at Skarbrand only to be made into a red paste after it initiated physical contact with him.

=== The Blood Angels ===

*'''[[Sanguinius]]''': Fabulous Fucking Hawkboy, and Primarch of the Blood Angels who is very, '''very''' dead. BUT he can appear lying face-up, head somewhat melty, in the visions/dreams of the faithful. (Though apparently only whilst they are heavily drugged on Ork Fungus...). Bears the dubious honour of being the only person the Emperor will not smack talk about nor tolerate being talked down about.
**'''The [[Sanguinor]]''': Mentioned in the second Q&A session where one of the [[Flesh Tearers]] is praying for his aid and a Blood Raven asks of his true nature. The Emprah has no clue, but hopes that it could be a 'fragment' of Sanguinius and hopes he returns. This implies the Emprah thinks that, just as his own soul was split into fragments by Fucking Horus, the same may have happened on some level to Sanguinius. Later makes a brief cameo swapping places to give his <s>girlfriend</s> colleague, Saint Celestine, a break from her stressful job of helping her sisters. While she was grateful and considered him shy and a sweetheart, she and the Blood Angels (that she rescued from Be'lakor on Sanguinala) realized her sisters would be trying to [[Rip and tear|tear]] him apart in anger at taking her place. As he awkwardly deals with the Sororitas raging at him, Saint Celestine rushed back from Ba'al to save him.

===The Lamenters===
21st founding of Marines which is literally 'cursed' i.e they have the worst luck ever to happen to a chapter. Being kicked in the balls by the Minotaurs and power hammered seems to be pretty high on the sucks levels. Even Emps cries for them and he ''literally'' removed his empathy.

===The <s>Imperial Army</s> <s>[[Imperial Guard]]</s> <s>Astra Militarum</s> WALL of GUNS===
The billions upon billions of baseline human, squaddies, grunts, GIs, footsloggers, meat shields, PBI, cannon fodder, rucksack humpers which does the majority of land based warfare. They normally dont grab much of the media’s attention as a image of a man sitting in a soggy trench with a torch and cardboard armour whilst super powered beings and aliens march over them isnt that uplifting.
*'''[[Sly Marbo]]''': [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kXU14hkuSI The One-Man Army] and [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCMNWAJiz5Y Hero of the Imperium!], he first appears in the April Fools episode where he was apparently recruited by Horus. Appeared in the real series, saving Little Billy and some farmers from the Kabal of the Flayed Skull in the middle of their raid on a random Agri-World. Later showed up at the invitation of Lucius to the Slaaneshmas Special where he begins beating up Typhus, Ahriman, and Lucius. While the scene turns to static, Lucius and Ahriman later show up on screen again. They commented that he was apparently a pretty great guy. Lucius apparently mixed up his contact info with Kharn's at one point. Later shows up to save Corvus Corax from the Catachan Barking Toad perched on his head. He's stated to be the single most decorated soldier in the entire history of humanity despite only being a Private, and "his aerodynamic musculature and knowledge of Catachan jungle tree buoyancy" help him "simulate flight" (which is apparently interstellar). Confirmed to NOT be a missing Primarch. Exclusively communicates by screaming (and sometimes body gestures, since he bowed slightly to Corax), specifically the one from the Dawn of War I opening cinematic where the sergeant orders the charge up the hill. He also weaponizes the subtitles of the scream by hitting enemies with them both as a ram and as a club.
*'''[[Ollanius Pius]]''': Makes a split-second appearance in [https://youtu.be/0Vh_N8CpcL0?t=900 in Rogal Dorn's flashback] before being headbutted to death by Horus. (''Shame on you if you don't know this super dude, so read his history now!'') In another episode, the Emperor takes the time to set the record straight that while Ollanius did, in fact, sacrifice himself for the Emperor, a Terminator and Custodes quickly followed suit in order to not be shown up by a mere mortal human. He was not amused by their transparent attempt to outshine Ollanius.
*'''[[Ciaphas Cain]]''': Commissar and Hero of the Imperium. He fully understands his entire existence is based on pure luck, lies and cowardice, though unlike his book version whose ability to never seem unnerved or let his lies slip is key to his entire career (and is hardly adverse to its benefits, if not its drawbacks...), here he's humorously morose and loudly gripes about his constant deceptions in private...but finds a kindred spirit in Marneus Calgar to share the pain. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRozBAIbaG4 Has his own merry jingle].
*'''[[Death Korps of Krieg]]''': As of the second voxcast, they can ''finally'' rest assured that the Emperor has personally forgiven them. What the Death Korps will do now that they've officially redeemed themselves remains to be seen, assuming they actually want to do something other than fight and die in battle. ( come on, you know it'll probably take another 2, maybe 3 millennia for the message to reach Krieg, due to, you know, Imperial Bureaucracy )
*'''[[Catachan Jungle Fighters]] (pronounced "Kata-kan")'''(by Straken, confusing everyone): Elaborated on in the first episode of "BRO TRIP 40,000: A Tale of Two Primarchs", being saved from a Slaaneshi Daemon invasion by the intervention of Vulkan and Corvus. Armed primarily only with knives (albeit some of the best knives in the universe due to the special Catachan metals) and basic clothing (shirts optional) in one of the most hazardous places in the universe, their survival and natural Space Marine-like physique provides a massive boost to the morale of the Imperium in a manner known as "marketability". Their culture is similar to that of Orks, measuring knife size to determine rank.
**'''Colonel "Iron Hands" Straken''': Leads the Catachan II regiment and is extremely good at guiding(tongue lashing)his troopers. Sly Marbo is also officially designated to the II regiment.
*'''[[Attilan Rough Riders]]''' Mongolian/Hun/Wide sweeping steppe based cavalry. Very superstitious (they try and kill Vulkan!) and hard to be completely converted by the Ecclesiarchy. As is typical of legendary guard regiments, they are brave and self-sacrificing. They can also pilot aircraft whilst still atop their horses (Some suspect the horses are the real pilots).
**'''Captain Mogul Kamir''': Leads the Attilan regiment who are going with the 'Friendship Force'. Likes drinking from the skulls of his fallen foes (a nod to Pre-Islamic Turk practices).
**'''The King of Khanasan''': Head of the Attilan Rough Riders and fellow skull-goblet enthusiast, to the point of draping his entire outfit in them. Voiced by Alfabusa himself.
**'''Starass''': The sole Astropath of the Attilans, and naturally an actual ass. Apparently, more than adequate enough for the Riders, though her language has no concept of the words "mass planetary destruction."

===Sisters of Battle===
*[[Ephrael Stern]]: The infamous Daemonifuge has finally reached the Black Library, but she's none too pleased with the Eldar's selection of food. [[-4_Str|Treads the path of the swole]]. She tells off Cegorach to his face, causing him to sulk off (incidentally allowing Custodisi and Wamuudes to enter the library). Goes with Magnus to help Eldrad birth Ynead.
*[[Saint Celestine]]: Greatest of the [[Living Saint]]s, always there to protect the Imperium and always reviving if she dies. First appears (in astral projection form) during the Battle at the Gate of Khaine, where she is apparently in on the [[Star Child]]'s plan and spirits away the soul of Dominique, who she describes as having fufuilled his duty to the Emperor. Later appears as the star of the "Salvation Through Annihilation" short, using her holy powers to deep-fry [[Ku'Gath]]. Her jolly mood is soured by the Sororitas present fangirling over her in a disgustingly creepy manner that makes the previously mentioned daemon of Nurgle seem pleasent in comparsion. After warping out, she is instructed by the (oddly drunk-sounding) voice-that-tells-her-to-go-places to head to [[Cadia]]. In the recent Sanguinala special, she was seen rescuing the Blood Angels on their homeworld of Baal, from a attempt by Chaos to end Sanguinala by Be'lakor. The Blood Angels are confused, as the Sanguinor is the one to usually save them. The two had swapped places at his suggestion for her to take a break, resulting in a very uncomfortable situation for the Blood Angels, and...Sanguinor being assaulted by the Sisters of Battle. Refers to the Sanguinor as her ‘stud’ and ‘boy toy’ and thinks of him as a shy sweetheart.
**In a deleted scene from the ''Behemoth'' triology, Celestine would have come down to aid the outnumbered sisters against the Swarmlord... which would have proceeded to kill her [[FAIL|over and over again]] and contribute absolutely nothing. Since the scene was unfunny and made the video way too long, Eliphas cut it out.

===Adeptus Mechanicus===
*'''Reimleiz the Theorist:''' An attendant techpriest whom the Emperor calls "random mechanicus guy". He was originally searching for a motorbike for Rogal Dorn to use, inside Jaghatai Khan's shed. As of the Black Templars podcast, Emps made him an Inquisitor and then commanded him to find out more about the Omega Vault. He was inexplicably on the floor at the time. Is incapable of making any statement without phrasing it as a question and is constantly asking himself trivial questions for no real reason (such as asking if legs are actually vehicles driven by tiny snotlings). Also has a penchant for slapping his cyberdong on toasters, which many mechanicus adepts around the system appear to be visibly fixated upon. As a sidenote he’s basically an avatar for [[https://m.youtube.com/user/remleiz|this YouTube channel]]
*'''Delphan Gruss''': A Magos Explorator (that originally appeared in the 54mm ''Inquisitor'' game) sent to Orior by the [[Adeptus Mechanicus|Admech]] to investigate the presence of an STC. He is very blunt and dismissive when dealing with "fleshbags", and does so while speaking with a German accent. His most remarkable feature, however, is a drill that replaces his right hand, which, predictably, makes him the butt of many [[anime]]-related jokes, much to his dismay.
*'''[[Belisarius Cawl]]''': He hasn't done anything to Gulliman (yet, anyway), but Rogal Dorn apparently did see him talking with Gulliman about something in the past. Apparently, he's not that great at keeping secrets, as there are rumors circulating about him working on [[Primaris Marines|something related to Thunder Warriors]] that even managed to reach the Imperial Palace. The Emperor understandably expects little to come from this (he will be completely surprised), expecting Cawl's work to be hindered by the Mechanicus' usual dogma. Finally shows up in Episode 28, and all of the personalities he's absorbed throughout the millennia talking through him have naturally driven him completely fucking insane.. He acts as the hitman for the Fabricator-General, who blackmails him about not scrapping his Primaris project if he kills the Custodes. Also speaks like the Master from Fallout 1. Lead the ambush against Little Kitten's ragtag team of Custodes. Is a very competent commander, min-maxing his robots to carry twin-linked phosphor blasters to annihilator a majority of the Shield-Host. Due to being responsible for Kitten's death, whether or not Cawl receives divine punishment beyond what even Horus got is yet to be seen but is probably destined to become the Emperor's next teeth fillings.

===The Inquisition===
After the Horus Heresy, a new proactive 'Intelligence' force was created: merge the KGB, Gestapo, CIA, MI6, Mossad with zealous religious belief and unlimited power and hey presto:
*'''Lord [[Inquisitor]] Fyodor <s>Karamazov</s> Krazypantsoff''': Inquisitor of the [[Ordo Hereticus]] and a colossal jerk even among inquisitors. When the Emperor disbanded the Inquisition, he went ballistic and led an entire crusade to Terra to purge what he thinks is heresy. Ended up in the Warp via Magnus for his troubles, after being trolled in a magnificent manner by being told he is a fragment of the Emperor. This was all [[Just As Planned|the Emperor's plan for sending out the message in the first place]], to lure in all the more destructive Inquisitors to get rid of them. He's not out of the game yet, though, and is determined to return to the Emperor. He has become substantially crazier after Leman Russ' Warp Survival lessons. Completely convinced he's the Emperor and seems to regret what a horrible father "he" was more than Emprah himself.
**'''Star-Fyodperor''': After a huge messy battle at Khaine's gate, Karamazov became the host of the Star Child. So basically he ''is'' the Emperor for real now. Apparently, the Star Child needed to possess someone extremely entitled and hypocritical like big E himself. Thanks to Star Child basically doing all the talking, planning, and overall thinking He now represents the kind, fatherly side of the Emperor that is sorely lacking from his throne-bound counterpart, complete with dad jokes. Unfortunately, this leaves the Fyodperor to being easy to deceive, lacking the ability to distrust that comes from millennia of cynicism and hate. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgVuQ_Fbs5g|Has one of the most noblebright awesome themes ever done for anything born from GeeDubs.]
[[Image:Domi.png|thumb|right|''"KILL THEM ALL, KILL THEM ALL!"'']]
*'''Dominique''': Voiced by Gonzo the Great. The techpriest Lexmechanic on Fyodor's Throne of Judgement. He comically makes fun of Fyodor on several occasions and generally breaks the serious atmosphere that the Lord Inquisitor tries to project. He also has a curious predilection for sandpaper cigarettes and a rapacious drug habit. Died inexplicably during the Inquisition's drunken rampage, most likely due to alcohol poisoning. It is never explained why Fyodor tolerated his nonsense for so long, but as Dominique regularly got away with sass sufficient to warrant a summary execution for a planetary governor, let alone a servitor, and Fyodor is not portrayed as being a particularly stable or calm individual, it's clear *something* was in play keeping Dominique employed and alive.
**Turns out he had a fate-bound duty to mold Fyodor into the Star Child's ideal host, an ill-tempered hypocrite with a god complex. He was allowed to see Fyodor one last time in exchange for that service, then got ferried to the afterlife by [[Saint Celestine]] her-holy-fucking-self to the tune of ten thousand fans weeping manly tears. His carcass is still perched on the Throne of Judgment, but most of the meat has rotted away by now. He's currently interred into a white-and-gold sarcophagus created when Fyodor became the Star Child's host.
[[Image:Mall.png|thumb|right]]
*'''Grand Master Elirush''': A Grey Knight Grand Master, who represents the Inquisition's Ordo Malleus. The most level-headed person in the group, who speaks with a smothered accent that Alfa masks as "waffles" (due to his VA being Eliphas, who is Belgian. If it isn't obvious, that's also the basis for his name). He attempted to avenge his fallen brothers who were killed by Kairos during the battle at Khaine's gate, but mistakenly attributed it to Skarbrand (much to the former's dismay). He was killed after inconveniencing Skarbrand, who despises such things.
[[Image:Here.png|thumb|right]]
*'''Inquisitor Adrielle Quist''': One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor whom you'd recognize if you've ever seen them. A Xeno fetishist, evidence suggests she is actually a tsundere for [[Genestealers]], and only dreams of being held in the strong, manly arms of her [[Extra heresy|Broodlord-kun]]. She appears to be the bad cop of the group with a short temper and a rough, Russian accent. She claims that the letter of disbanding inquisition was written by a genestealer cult under the Emperor's name. While stuck in the warp with Fyodor and the rest, she assaults [[Lord of Change]] Kairos Fateweaver after asking if he's a Genestealer, naturally not caring which of his heads answered "Yes". Even mentioning Genestealers in her presence causes her to fly into a berzerker rage. Later, during the Halloween special, she is apparently able to briefly manifest into realspace, similar to Kaldor Draigo, whenever someone mentions anything about Genestalers. She was last seen during the defense of Khaine's gate while intoxicated, where she mistakes Skarbrand for a Genestealer (further angering Skarbrand as he dislikes misinterpretations) and ascended after being killed by him.
[[Image:Xen.png|thumb|right]]
*'''Inquisitor Donklas''': One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor, who represents the Ordo Hereticus. He appears as an Inquisitor dressed in black and using a bolt pistol with a sight mount (which is exactly from the front cover of [[Dark Heresy]]). Don't let his soft-spoken tone fool you - this guy gets aroused at the thought of executing other people regardless of what they've done. He is in favor of the door-kicking-and-burning-building type of [[Exterminatus]], just like a medieval witch hunter. He is possibly the same Inquisitor as the one in the mask (who snickers arousedly at executing friendlies and wonders where the mask came from). He is so far the only Inquisitor who managed to survive the battle at Khaine's gate, mainly due to "enforcing discipline at the back". He is so far the only one of 3 main inquisitors who has survived up to this point.
*'''Inquisitor Javerticus''': An Ordo Hereticus Inquisitor and the most dedicated and charismatic of them all, and also an awesome singer and swordsman. Sadly, the Grey Knights don't seem to comprehend his awesomely dramatic greatness. Named after the [[Lawful Stupid|obsessive]] Inspector Javert (from Victor Hugo's ''Les Misérables'').
*'''[[Jokaero|Torquemada Coteaz]]''': One of the Inquisitors who joined Fyodor's assault into the Imperial Palace. He shows up after Fyodor's forces was blocked off by a force of loyal Ecclesiarchy priests led by Decius in the palace, but breaches their defenses by throwing a barrel of Jokaero at the defenders. This plan causes Fyodor to lose any respect for him, which solicits a disheveled response from Torquemada, [[Awesome|telling him to get off his Throne of Judgement and tell him to his face or use his multi-melta to do what he's too pathetic to]]. Fyodor backs off and lets him leave. So far he appears to be the only sane Inquisitor, snarling at Fyodor to not execute the Emperor for whatever offense he may pull out of his ass. He's also busy with [[The Lord Inquisitor|making a film]], which is why he didn't stay to see Fyodor's plans go to the Warp.
*'''[[Militarum Tempestus|Tempestus Scions]]''' - A hapless squad of Inquisitorial Stormtroopers comprised of Scions: Grant, Valentine, Matilda, Stuart, and led by Tempestor Cromwell. They constantly bicker between each other due to Stuart's pessimism, Matilda's blind optimism, and Grant's panicky disposition, but is constantly held in-line by Tempestor Cromwell. They're seen during the battle at Khaine's Gate, where they're all surprised that they've somehow survived, despite their [[Taurox]] roadblock being destroyed and the Grey Knights being slaughtered.
**Coincidentally ([[Just as Planned|or not]]), they're all named after Allied [[tank]]s from World War II (probably not, what with their thick English accents, and Matilda's preoccupation with "tankyness.").
*'''Inquisitor Headsmash''': Hangs around on a ship in low orbit waiting for heresy to occur. Has a heavily reinforced Exterminatus button which he gets a LOT of use from - as the name implies, he hits it repeatedly using his head. Has the enviable talent of hearing heresy from orbit. He was about to retire after his 40,000th straight Exterminatus, but due to Draigo, he got sent to Commorragh along with his entourage (which includes a Jokaero and his Exterminatus button). Was the only one in the assembly to resist the fyodperor's psychic persuasion.
*'''Ex-Inquisitor Kryptman''': It's a bit weird that this guy is hanging around since all the other Inquisitors hate him, but whatever. Considered too violent and too hypocritical for the Inquisition, as amazing as that achievement is, he is nonetheless really good at his job; claims he's even able to survive against Eldar mind games by seeing through the truth being disguised as a lie, knowing full well that the humans will assume it's a lie while knowing the Eldar are lying about telling the truth about lying. Also carries a pimpin' cane with a gun in it.
*'''Inquisitor Obiwan Sherlock Clousseau''': Yep, he appears in episode 26 part 2! He's from a more [[Warhammer 40,000: Rogue Trader|'jovial' time of early 40K]].

===General Populace of the Imperium ('Plebs')===
*'''Little Billy''': A running gag character in the series. His appearance is a psychic child who made himself a crude power-armor costume using cardboard boxes, with Alfabusa's grey and blue livery for colors. The gag about him is that Billy is constantly subjected to lethal/traumatizing events, yet still survives to appear again, leading to a joke that he is actually a perpetual. So far he's been: run over by a space marine attack bike, kidnapped and thrown into a Dark Eldar slave pit ''twice'', and implied to have been molested by Lucius after contacting him using a psychic link and suddenly appearing before him, then hunted across the cosmos by Lucius during Slaaneshmas, and hammered in the face by a Deathwatch member before almost getting eaten by Tyranids in [https://youtu.be/mabM64rAd4k?t=25m32s Behemoth]. He's also apparently talked to the High Lords at least once, since the Grand Provost Marshal hallucinates him. To date, the only good thing to happen to him is Sly Marbo rescuing him from the Dark Eldar after some internal deb-'''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA'''-ting.
*'''The citizens of Hive World Purgatory''': Originally appearing in Alfa's Upper Hive games, hive world Purgatory appears a few times in the series proper. Its citizens are extremely idiotic and prone to murdering each other over the slightest suspicion. It's also been the victim of a recent Crotch Rot epidemic, and multiple Genestealer invasions.
*'''The Citizens Of The Imperium''': In special episodes where the Emperor answers mail from citizens of the Imperium (most of which is questions asked by watchers of the series), Loyalist humanity plus an odd Xeno or Chaos entity ask questions of him. These are supposed to be sorted by ''Little Kitten'' and later Magnus as well, but quite a few stupid ones get through to the point that without the aid of the cuddly Centurion, the Emperor's frustration causes Warpstorms which obliterate chunks of the universe.
*'''Detective Bruce Norring''': Appears in the Halloween specials. With most of the Inquisition missing, Bruce is put on the case of chasing down shady heretics on hive world Purgatory, [[Lovecraft|Innsmouth-style]], before unwittingly uncovering a Genestealer cult and nearly made into a genehost - only to get saved by a completely sloshed Inquisitor Quist from the warp.
*'''Hobo Guardsman''': also known as "Hobo-chan." Like Billy, he exists to be traumatized by the grim darkness of the universe. First he becomes an unwilling recipient of Lucius' charity efforts, that being a sandwich made from ''"freshly milked [[daemonette]] [[trap|milk]]"'', then later he gets harassed by the [[Adeptus Arbites]] for adding rat meat to his rations to make them more edible. Fed up with the bullshit, he decides to join Chaos, getting warped away before his planet is destroyed by Exterminatus. He was later seen smashed by Lucius during the Slaaneshmas Special, and then spotted in the Webway with the Ultramarines, and later again spotted in the Imperial Dungeons with the Shadowkeepers; and, on top of fucking that, was seen near the end of Part 1 of Hateful Feud running away as Karamazov was becoming Fyodper. Last seen in the Throne Room, running away as Magnus threw a temper tantrum after being trolled by the Provost Marshal for not reading the rules of Fantasy Roleplay.
*'''Tour Guide''': A guy who gives tours of the Imperial Palace. He gets summoned(dragged) into the throne room and abruptly told by the Emperor to read the names of a bunch of Dark Eldar weapons without any given reason, which he does without hesitation. He may read other lists later. He appears to be some sort of psyker as he could sense Magnus' return before he teleported into the throne room. He is able to bitch-slap Wamuudes to the floor without even looking. Poor guy is also losing his sanity due to all the batshit craziness happening around him. Recently debated with the Emperor himself over whether or not he was capable of feeling sorrow towards his subjects and sons were they to die to which Big E replies in a fittingly lucid way. However the Emperor is proven wrong as to his assumption he'd be indifferent at the death of a subject as he falls into such despair at the Good Golden Banana's death he almost splits Terra in half with the only thing stopping him being Rogal Dorn in his trusty Centurion suit.

===Eldar===
After the Eldar Collapse, these Eldar decided that unlimited Lust and Violence wasn't a positive influence to their souls and thus became elfy space-monks, all calm and serene until they decide to fight then its elfy warrior-monks!.
*'''[[Eldrad]] Ulthran:''' Eldar Farseer of Craftworld Ulthwé who is one of the biggest dicks in the Galaxy. Is preparing to do pretty much exactly what he ends up doing in Gathering Storm. Tried to convince Asdrubael Vect to distract the Imperium while he attempts to awaken [[Ynnead]], but to no avail. Apparently, he's already contacted Cypher at least once before and seeks to do the same with "the Machine-man from Mars" (most likely Cawl). Magnus and custodisi have been sent to assist them.
*'''[[Cegorach]]''': The Laughing God, shown guarding the Black Library. He encounters Ahriman trying to enter and forcefully boots him out after a bit of trolling. Cegorach has his own spectral audience that laughs at his jokes, and even a voice that adds '''[BAZINGA.]''' to his punchlines. He is plotting the demise of the [[Flesh Eaters]] for saying his Harlequins are in poor taste. In both meanings of the word. Recently he challenged Magnus to a comedy battle where he made use of horribly outdated memes to win laughs from the Harlequin audience including a Skyrim reference of all things. Had to call it a tie though since Magnus was committing verbal suicide through self-deprecation humor. Also has one of the most badass theme songs in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzWsLaolyLw&ab_channel=StringStorm%E2%80%8C existence] .
*'''[[Isha]]''': Despite being a kidnapping victim initially, Isha is now (due to Stockholm Syndrome) in a “loving” relationship with Nurgle. She Thinks Tzeentch is annoying and hates Slaanesh, mocking the former and encouraging Nurgle to plague the latter, Preferably with something that doesn’t kill her but shuts off her senses.
*'''[[Khaine]]''': Disappointed and annoyed by all the young Gods around him, sounds like an old man beat-down by life. He mostly hangs out in the warp chat and goes to the gym with Khorne.

===Dark Eldar===
The true descendants after the collapse of the Eldar Empire. There are A LOT of Dark Eldar living in their webway city of Commorragh and with access to a ton of lethal weaponry, its impractical to invade their realm without leaving yourself open to other forces’ attacks.
*'''[[Asdrubael Vect]]:''' Dark Eldar leader who is another one of the biggest dicks in the Galaxy. Is completely disinterested if not mildly amused/irritated with Eldrad's plans and his insistence on dragging him in; believing both Eldrad's visions and Ynnead to be utter nonsense unworthy of his time after 10,000 years worth of pessimistic doomsaying. He appears to have plans of his own that seem to involve Leman Russ, Karamazov, and/or Kaldor Draigo, who emerge from the Gate of Khaine just as he finishes his conversation with Eldrad. As it turns out, it involved shocking the Star-Fyodperor (which he was able to deduct almost immediately) with a surprise betrayal that the emotions that emanate almost supercharge Vect and Rakarth. Has a habit of setting up violent, hedonistic parties before gassing all the guests (including all rivals) after he leaves early.
*'''[[Lady Malys]]:''' Vect's bitter ex (don't say that to her face, though) who wants to take over Commorragh because "Vect's a prick." Seems to have been taken over by Cegorach, which is not surprising given real lore had her conduct heart transplant surgery on herself with Cegorach's crystal heart. Also French. [[Magical Realm|Sexily]] so.
*'''[[Archon Tahril]]:''' An Archon who originally appeared in ''[[Dawn of War]]: Soulstorm'' as the leader of the Black Heart Cabal in Kaurava and Vect's former subordinate after the whole raid ended in a failure. He is reluctantly under Malys' employment and passive-aggressively lets her know whenever he has to talk to her. He deals with her personality quirks reluctantly. Is also secretly an agent of the C'tan known as the Deceiver.
*'''[[Urien Rakarth]]:''' The personification of torture, currently under Vect's employ. It's revealed that it was he who visited the Golden Throne that one time, which makes Dorn panic and attempt to re-install the entire palace.

===Adversaries===
*'''[[Abaddon the Despoiler]]''': Has yet to personally appear in the series, but has so far has been contacting various Chaos Champions [[Black Crusade|to attend to their 14th annual party]]. He will ALSO be voiced by the aforementioned Takahata101 (Nappa and [[Hellsing|'''THE CRIMSON FUCKER''']]) of Team Four Star fame.
*'''[[Fulgrim]]''': Has yet to personally appear in the series, but appears to have already joined Abaddon in his plans. He makes his appearance as the person who called Lucius to get him to join Abaddon. Based on the [[Vulkan|current]] [[Corvus Corax|trend]], it wouldn’t be too surprising if he, too, can see Ferrus Manus’s ghost, especially considering he was the one who ''killed him'' and all that.
*'''The Gods of [[Chaos|<s>Chaos</s> <s>Choas</s> <s>Chaos</s> <s>Choas</s> <s>Chaos</s> <s>Choas</s> chaos]]''': The gods here are less chaotic than their canon counterparts. More-or-less they just sit around and talk to each other, the way they did prior to the Emperor showing up and making plans to wreck their collective shit.
**[[Tzeentch]] is a petty schoolyard bully/prankster who also likes to engage in pointlessly overthought pseudo-philosophy. He also plays Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth-Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker, shamelessly abusing an [[Yu-Gi-Oh#Archetype|Empty Jar]] deck made [[WAAC|ALMOST ENTIRELY FROM BANNED CARDS]]. So far, he is the most prominently featured of the Chaos Gods. Tzeentch lurks behind the Gate of Morkai, fucking with the aspirants sent through by Space Wolves priests; if they're to be believed, he's done something involving "wolf tits" at least once, and [[Wat|Emprah only knows how we're supposed to interpret that]]. Despite his behavior he does genuinely care for his son, Magnus.
**[[Slaanesh]] is a hyperactive masochistic camwhore who steals from Khorne and trolls him and others with sexual innuendos. Nobody likes it because it ruins everything.
**[[Khorne]] is the only half-way normal Chaos God (if that term could ever be applied to the Gods), who is often heard screaming at Slaanesh for being a creepy whore. Has a fairly good relationship with Khaine, though, and they work out together at the gym - he never skips leg day, unlike the Emperor. Ironically, despite being the most prominently featured Chaos God in canon, he's made far fewer on-screen appearances than the other Gods.
**[[Nurgle]] is the only one actually doing any scheming. Has a voice that's really hard to understand without subtitles, Probably because of all of the diseases he’s infected with, and is more focused on his waifu Isha than actually doing anything. When he's upset, he known to release extremely potent [[Wikipedia:Tinea cruris|Crotch]] [[Wikipedia:Candidal intertrigo|Rot]] on Hive-Worlds, which is as nasty as it sounds.The emperor was on the receiving end of said crotch rot, as well as an eternally itchy nose, despite not having one.
**[[Malal]] makes several short appearances, conversing with the various gods on Spacebook where he declares he will ruin everyone once he becomes canon again by escaping the "Retconnian" (a dimension where the Squats, Horus' soul, Sanguinnius’ soul and other things that don't exist anymore are banished to) and a second time is shown to exist in a pocket outside canon where he is able to influence things that are canon in subtle ways using the [[Dark Heresy|"Tyrant Star", a wandering sun that gives off black light and incites anarchy, chaos, and mutation on whatever planet it shines on]]. It appears that his obsession to become canon is a harmful one, as Horus and a Squat talk him down from his attempts and console him when he breaks down crying about his futile attempts.
**The [[Great Horned Rat]] appears as a joke to cancel Slaaneshmas forever due to Slaanesh getting demoted in Age of Sigmar and announces "Great Horned Rat Day" as its replacement. Enjoys mocking "non-existent" lesser Chaos Gods and seems to be incapable of not breaking the fourth wall. Coughs near-constantly.
**[[Necoho]]?: Never been seen and hasn't been named, but Magnus has mentioned the existence of a chaos god of unbelief who was created by Emperor's attempts to wipe out all religion. If not for the Horus Heresy, Emperor would have become its champion or avatar. Since atheism is so rare in the galaxy now, it most likely is dead or too weak to be relevant.
*'''[[Lucius the Eternal]]''': Slaanesh's premier champion, who sounds like what would happen if Mickey Mouse turned to Slaanesh and became a drag queen in the process (his first appearance is a direct reference to [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYQCYA7rvXk this]). First shown fucking up some Imperial Guardsmen (in all senses of the word) with his warband, laughing like a maniac all the while. He then got a call from Fulgrim, inviting him and his band to join one of Abaddon's [[Black Crusade|"huge parties"]], which he accepted. His absolutely creepy portrayal in the series is quickly becoming one of the scariest (and most enjoyable) things in the franchise, sorta an impressive achievement. Runs a prank show in his spare time, and posts the results to Spacebook (it is unknown If piccolo has seen said results). Also planned the 'Slaaneshmas' holiday event, which is broadcast to the whole universe to spread goodwill to humans and overall death to xeno species. Lucius makes a great holo vid host.
*'''[[Ahzek Ahriman]]''': Most powerful sorcerer of the [[Thousand Sons]]. Appears in a short scene where he finally gets access to the [[Black Library]], only to be dicked with, and eventually booted out by [[Cegorach]]. Decided to quit trying to get into the Black Library for a while and take a break, but decided against the latter after being summoned by Abaddon for the Black Crusade. Teamed up with Lucius for Slaaneshmas for the shits and giggles. So far appears to the only rational Chaos Space Marine, acting as a snarky straight man to the antics of the others. On a side-note, he [[Old Man Henderson|huffs grimoires of Big Bad Jujus]], which impresses Lucius. He apparently wants to murder the stars as he finds them too bright for his taste. At the end, he gives a speech about how despite the different worldviews, both sides are still humans and offers the Imperium to have one day per year when instead of killing each other, both sides would have a ceasefire and unite to exterminate aliens instead. Imperials were oddly receptive to that idea...
*'''[[Typhus]]''': Chaos Lord of the [[Death Guard]]. Has the voice of Gilbert Gottfried, with a Strong resemblance to the voice of Real life Comedian Norm McDonald, or Gilbert Gottfried, which he uses to read [[Squad Broken|erotic fanfiction]] for Lucius. Like the other chaos champions, he's been summoned by Abaddon for the Black Crusade. Later shows up to the Slaaneshmas Special to talk about his latest book, which is just his own shit smeared on every page.
*'''[[Kharn|Khârn the Betrayer]]''': The most infamous Khornate Berserker in the World Eaters. He has yet to appear directly in the show; Lucius invited him by Vox to the Slaaneshmas special but only received angry grunts in reply, leading Lucius to believe Angron picked up instead. Apparently, Lucius also mixed up his contact info with Sly Marbo at one point.
*'''[[Huron Blackheart]]''': We cannot confirm his appearance in the series proper, but it appears that he is with [[Abaddon]] in the Season 3 intro, perhaps pointing to an alliance of sorts. Why in the all the names of Chaos he is there, only Alfa (or maybe his voice actor) know.
*'''[[Fabius Bile|<strike>Fabius</strike> <strike>FABULOUS Bile</strike> Bob]]''': Joins in on Lucius' and Ahriman's Slaaneshmas special to announce that he's starting a solo Black Crusade to show up that man-baby Abbadon. Is triggered very seriously if called Bob. He's clearly insane, insisting that a solo Black Crusade means doing things on his own, which even Lucius thought was crazy, not helped by Bile following up by boasting he can clone anyone. He showed off an abomination of a clone of Ahriman (which psychically self-destructed) during the Slaaneshmas Special. Naturally, Ahriman was horrified and disgusted and even Lucius was disturbed.
*'''[[Miriael Sabathiel]]''': The infamous Chaos Sororita shows up, only to get dismissed everywhere she goes and not be taken seriously. Upon learning it was Slaaneshmas, she dons a Santa hat and joins the fun. Earlier, she was in a bad mood for being talked down by a captured Inquisitor (before she beheaded him in frustration), lamented the lost opportunity to torment him, and was enraged at some Noise Marines' amusement at her situation.
*'''The [[Tyranid]] Hivemind''': Attempted to hijack the Chaos Gods' warpchat, but was kicked after too many synapses attempted connections. The Emperor claims that talking to the Tyranid Hivemind is like talking to a herd of hungry sheep. Everyone in the Warp is trying to get rid of it because it’s annoying to them. It also sent a psychic message to Inquisitor Kryptman showing him its face… Or rather mouth.
*'''[[The Masque]]''': A Slaaneshi Daemonette. First appears in BRO TRIP 40,000: A Tale of Two Primarchs while attacking Catachan, apparently because an ample muscle harvest (shaped into Slaanesh's symbol) would please Slaanesh enough to end her (yes, a canon her) eternal damnation to unending dancing. After Corvus Corax batmans her she flees, due to their artificial muscles being displeasing to Slaanesh and fighting them not being worth potential banishment back to the Warp. Her motives lead her and an army of Daemonettes to the battle for the Gate of Khaine, where she implies some familiarity with Kaldor Drago before trying to bring him down, only to fail spectacularly.
*'''[[Skarbrand]]''': A "renegade" Khornate Bloodthirster; Khorne officially disowned him after he attempted to kill the Chaos God with a strike to the back, but still recognizes his talents. Skarbrand appears in the Warp Hijinks special as a victim of a ding-dong-ditch prank by Leman Russ and Fyodor. He refers to himself exclusively in the third person and, being a Bloodthirster, [[RAGE|hates literally everything]] (it didn't help that all emotions besides anger were throttled out of him by Khorne); when faced with the prospect being outside or inside after being pranked, he actually remains in the doorframe, which he hates '''''slightly''''' less. He later joins the Chaos Undivided daemon horde that assaulted Khaine's gate as it was being opened by the Inquisition's forces, where he further espouses his hatred against everything. Such as named characters, some of whom he fucking murders. Extremely open and vocal about his feelings, funnily enough. {{BLAM|SKARBRAND '''HATES''' MISCONCEPTIONS!}}
*'''[[Kairos Fateweaver]]''': A Tzeentchian Lord of Change. He still has two heads and the second, mottled one will constantly contradict the 'dominant' head while speaking (which Kairos neither seems to address nor notice). First appears during Russ and crew's rampage throughout the Warp, where he tries his usual "Knights and Knaves" shtick on Inquisitor Adrielle Quist - but since she's drunk, not listening and mistakes him for a Genestealer, he gets one of his faces fucked up for his troubles, and holds an eternal grudge against her due to that. Kairos reappears during the battle at Khaine's Gate, where he tries his damnedest to get even with Quist, but had to "settle" for destroying most of the Grey Knights, but his work was mistakenly attributed to Skarbrand, much to his eternal dismay. Funnily enough, he does more damage to Skarbrand than any of the Imperials completely by accident: Kairos' psyker powers hit Skarbrand while he fought Inquisitor Quist, his grudge briefly turning him into a [[Kharn|team-killing fucktard.]] Despite this, considering the rules Kairos follows (in official lore, his heads randomly switch which one lies and which one tells the truth, but one lying means the other must be truthful), that he can tell the future, and that the normally truthful head said "I will have my revenge" (which he didn't) while the normally lying head claimed to love Skarbrand... Kairos actually really does love Skarbrand.
*'''[[Epidemius]]''': A Nurglite Plaguebearer. Fitting for a daemon of Nurgle, he's incredibly polite even under duress, and cares significantly about the loss of his fellow daemons. First appears during Russ and crew's rampage throughout the Warp, where he was pelted into submission with hundreds of bars of soap and a bathtub. He later appears during the battle at Khaine's Gate with a retinue of [[Plaguebearers]], and was enraged when one of them was killed by the Deathwatch. He later commanded a charge against them that ended with most of the Deathwatch being slaughtered, while Wilford and Calato, the only survivors were forced to retreat.
*'''The [[C'tan]]''': The Necron's star gods seem to be wedging their way back into current affairs after being turned into [[Pokemon]] by their servants. Of all of them, only The Deceiver has made an appearance so far, the rest being confined to the paper puppet flashbacks (except when Decius brought up The Nightbringer when he was convincing the Ecclesiarchy that [[The Emperor|Easy-E]] isn't a god).
**[[The Deceiver]], when not playing Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker with the Emperor and pals, seems to be [[Just As Planned|pulling strings]] all around the Materium. Has a special interest in stopping Kaldor Draigo from returning to realspace. Presumably, because he would become the avatar of Matt Ward, the <strike>[[Malal|Fifth]]</strike> Sixth god of Choas, and bring utter ruination to the material realm before the C'tan can bring utter ruination to the material realm. Also, it turns out the Deceiver created the Tyranids.
*'''Clancy''': The traitor menial of an Imperial Cruiser who wants to kill a Primarch, and is obnoxiously polite and civil about the entire affair. His plans fail when Vulkan, Corax and all the other ~~important~~ characters survive the shipwreck he engineered and capture him; his backup plan (Exterminatus via some "pals" dropping a Virus bomb on Attila from orbit) ends up similarly falling short, though he does escape captivity. He later returns as a high-ranking Boardmember of Jopall's government, and through pulling some strings and making a contract that Corvus signs, entraps the party on the planet through debt. Makes his escape shortly before Corvus bursts in the room leading an army of rebelling Guardsmen.

=== Others ===

*'''[[Horus|FUCKING HORUS]]''': Appears in the April Fool's episode, where he breaks into the Emperor's throne room and incapacitates him. The Emperor declares Horus can't win because he's all alone, but says he isn't as he gathered allies while he was clawing his way out of The Warp, all of whom are some of the dead/retconned/obscure characters in the fluff: [[The Beast]] (an Ork who waged one of the most successful WAAAGH!s in human history), [[Goge Vandire]] (the man responsible for the worst chapter in Imperial history after the Horus Heresy), [[Sindri Myr]], the Megarachnids (a footnote insectoid race in the fluff, who were hunted to extinction by the Astartes in the Great Crusade), the [[Squats]] (we all ''know'' who they are), [[Herman von Strab]] (one of the most inept commanders the Imperium has ever seen, who met his end in the 3rd War of Armageddon), the [[Old Ones]], the Techno-Barbarians of olden Terra, 3ED [[Carnifex|Old One Eye]] and [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kXU14hkuSI SLY MARBOOO!] (*cue explosions*) He subsequently declares himself as the new Emperor. Later appeared for real in the second Q&A in the "Retconnian" with Malal and the Squats, and calms Malal's tantrum like a parent consoling a child.
*'''[[Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka]]''': Currently beating up the Overfiend of Octarius, as in official lore. It's still unknown where Ghazzy's gonna fit into things, though it will likely be to assemble all Orks into a single Great WAAAGH!! Also seems to love making bad jokes.
[[Image:Cyph.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Cypher]]''': He has a very vague, mysterious plot involving the planet Orior and its STCs. This seems to take place not long after the [[Fallen_Angels#Ophidium Gulf Crusade Incident|Ophidium Gulf Crusade Incident]], as the Dark Angels managed to locate him by tracking his ship. He also seems to be skilled at disguise, as he manages to just waltz right into the Thunderhawk behind Azrael without any further comment. He's on his way towards Mars with the Dark Angels. Sicced the Dark Angels on The Fabricator General for a prank video
*'''[[Gork]] and [[Mork]] (or was it Mork and Gork?)''': The two Ork gods. They're a couple of dumbfucks who argue with each other in other people's conversations on Spacebook, with Gork not actually knowing he's using the Interwarp and trying to figure out how to use it while already on it.

[[Image:Text Marines.jpg|thumb|right]]
[[Image:Eliphas.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Felinids]]''': [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUuvHPr4BGk The ultimate let-down.] Possible inspiration for the news Cats film.
*'''[[Necron]]s''': They appear initially in a mini-episode by Karl. Necrons all speak with low-quality Text to Speech devices, except for the Lords who can afford higher quality devices. (Wait, does this mean the Emperor's communicator is technically Xenotech?) Shennanigans ensue when an unnamed Necron Lord discovers that his lowly minions can't pronounce certain things, so now all necrons make roflcopter sounds as their war cries. '''SOI SOI MOTHERFUCKER'''
*'''[[Stormcast Eternals|Ground Marines]]''': Introduced as a short spoof episode after the release of [[Age of Sigmar]], a group of Ultramarines determined to bring their superior selves to the service of [[Sigmar|"other Emperors"]] enter a portal and come out transformed as Stormcast Eternals, their appearance crushing a small group of [[The Empire (Warhammer Fantasy)|Empire]] Flagellants. Text then appeared expressing condolences for [[Warhammer Fantasy]] fans. Although non-canon, it's a jab at Games Workshop's need to crowbar Space Marines everywhere ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-MzNpMD1K8 as the Stormcast Eternals largely resemble the Space Marines]. Heck, their posterboy group even takes after [[Ultramarines|The Greatest Of Them All]] with the blue, white, and gold color scheme).
*'''[[Eliphas The Inheritor]]''': Makes a cameo in the second Q&A episode having sent a letter to the Emperor saying "Dear Corpse Emperor, Furk You." The episode then cuts to him laughing manically thinking he's so clever before the Emperor psychically punches him, promptly shutting him up.

*'''Ahriman 2.0''': [[Fabius Bile]]'s horribly disfigured clone of Ahzek Ahriman which he unveiled in the Slaaneshmas special, much to Lucius and the original Ahriman's horror. Fabius claimed it was a "work-in-progress", something which caused the clone to become so enraged that it psychically self-destructed moments after.
*'''The [[Angry Marines]]''': ''Might'' exist in the TTS-verse, but nobody knows for sure. "Angry Marines" was a popular answer in a poll on which loyalist chapter best embodies the concept of hatred, but nobody in the Imperial Palace knows who this might be referring to, and it was speculated that it may simply be a nickname. Either way, they were beaten by several other chapters, most notably the Black Templars and the [[Marines Malevolent]].
*'''[[Hassan]]''': First appeared in the Chaos Descends series attempting to sell camels to two of the main characters in the middle of nowhere, eventually convincing them to put up flyers for his business as a form of payment. He later appears in the main series, apparently having sold camels to the Ultramarines at some point.

*'''Voldorius''': An unfortunate Daemon Prince which got the attention of the Pillarstodes after reading about him in one of the books they got from the Black Library. They along with the Emperor and Rogal Dorn publicly mock him for being completely ineffective and incompetent to the point of having to rely on his subordinates to do everything for him.
*'''Uriah Olathaire:''' Yes, its the old man that the Emprah had a theological debate during [[The Last Church]]. His soul was summoned from The Warp by The Emperor, who was horrified that he turned into a Chaos worshiper. Ironically he is perfectly sane despite following Chaos. Unlike their first encounter, this time he actually IS a theologian and can shut down the Emperor's rather sophomoric arguments easily. He worships Chaos Undivided and paints them in a more neutral, legitimately non-malevolent light, highlighting how humanity needs Chaos to stay human and how Chaos needs humanity to continue to exist, making it a mutually-beneficial relationship. He originally wanted to justify the existence of Chaos, but due to the Emprah being a dick; he got fed up and instead started calling him on the hypocrisy of his Imperium and his ideals, such as his constant use of religious iconography and terms (despite wanting a secular empire), essentially doing the same thing old terran religions did to propagate their influence (although with a higher death count), among other things. He was eventually banished back into The Warp after dissing the holiness of the taco.
*'''Alfa Legion:''' Some of the creator's 40k self-inserts into 40K appear in Episode 10 after Emps makes an oddly specific remark about how "THERE COULD EVEN BE CHAPTERS CONSORTING AND ACCEPTING BOTH XENOS AND CHAOS WORSHIPPERS INTO THEIR RANKS. MAYBE EVEN CHAPTERS SO FUCKING RECLUSIVE AND HISTORICALLY INEPT THAT THEIR MERE EXISTENCE SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A DISGUSTINGLY HORRIBLE AND SHITTY FANFICTION." Taking the main TTS reaction thread into consideration, '''EMPS WAS ONE OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''' Currently have their souls contained in a box owned by Magnus, while [[Indrick Boreale|Boreale]] and [[Apollo Diomedes|Diomedes]] have become Magnus' idiot pets.
*'''Asterion Moloc:''' [[Minotaurs]] Chapter Master who appears briefly towards the end of the Slaaneshmas special, pwning a Tau with a Chaos Terminator.

==The Order of The Primarchs' Returns==
During the season 3 intro, the silhouettes the miniatures of all the primarchs seems to appear in the order they will first enter the show, as the order roughly corresponds with their actual in-series appearances so far, though this may just be the order of their apearances, not the order in which they return...

* [[Rogal Dorn]] - Around since the beginning of the series, although we don't find out it's Dorn until Episode 20.
* [[Magnus]] - Pops up in Episode 13 after being captured by the Ultrasmurfs.
* [[Vulkan]] - Returns after Cato Sicarius delivers the remaining Lost Artifacts of Vulkan in Episode 20.
* [[Leman Russ]] - Appears in the Warp in Episode 21, after Magnus banished the Inquisitors there in Episode 18.
* [[Corvus Corax]] - Can be heard attempting to get out of a building on Nocturne at the End of Episode 21, and appears in person during Episode 25.
* [[Ferrus Manus]]- Appears as a <s>'brainghost'</s> SKHOST in Vulkan's head when Vulkan returns at the beginning of Episode 20. Vulkan claims in the Bro Trip spinoff that he isn't the real Ferrus.
* [[Lion El'Jonson]] - Not yet featured, but Rogal Dorn might know where he is. Then again, maybe not. This IS The Lion we're talking about after all. Taking current events into consideration, he maybe awakening soon.
* [[Jaghatai Khan]] - Talked about extensively in Episode 24 and the White Scar podcast. The Ultramarines are on the rescue! Appears on a bike in Commorragh in Episode 29.
* [[Angron]] - Hasn't appeared in person, though Lucius mentions he and Kharn may be out on business.
* [[Perturabo]] - Hasn't appeared in person, but was prominently featured in a flashback in Episode 24.
* [[Lorgar]] - given a roasting in Episode 2, but nothing of note since then.
* [[Mortarion]] - A couple of jokes have been made at his expense, but he has yet to appear except in a brief flashback where he fell down the stairs.
* [[Fulgrim]] - Hasn't appeared in person, although he did contact Lucius the Eternal to inform him about Abbadon's 13th Black Crusade.
* [[Alpharius]] & [[Omegon]] - Emps refers to them as if they are one person.
* [[Konrad Curze]] - A few mentions, but it is safe to assume Konrad may not reappear in the current era. Emps briefly flashes back to a decision Konrad made that unwittingly starts off the whole Inquisition tyranny; a small portion of his appearance is seen during this flashback.
* [[Roboute Guilliman]] - No appearances, although occasionally referred to in the form of The Emperor demanding his life support being cut off. Hilarious in hindsight, given the events of Gathering Storm.
* [[Sanguinius]] - appeared in vision form during the Flesh Eater short and was spoken of at the end of the second Q&A, Episode 18.5 (may or may not consider the Sanguinor appearing as his first appearance)
* [[Horus]] - No appearances in the main series, although he has been seen in the April Fools and the second Q&A.
* The two missing Primarchs are asked about once but the emperor simply states "We don't talk about those guys"

==Main Theme Lyrics==
'''WE ARE THE GODS OF THE NEW WORLD ORDER.'''

'''WE ARE THE SOLDIERS, THE LEGION OF LIGHT.'''

'''WE ARE THE CENTER, THE DEATH OF THE SUN (SON).'''

'''FIRE AND FLAME.'''

'''WE ARE ONE.'''

(excerpt credit: Triarii - We Are One)

==Trivia==
* The Emperor's motivation for creating the Human Webway was obtaining [[Love Can Bloom|Eldar prostitutes]], and was afraid the Primarchs would [[Penitent Engine|tie him up]] [[Inquisition|if they heard about it]]. The other benefits were an afterthought.
* The Emperor's nose is plagued by a phantom-itch, courtesy of Nurgle. Tzeentch <s>believes</s> Believed the frustration will cause him to explode, destroying humanity and causing him to become a new Chaos God. He has since realize that the emperor is resigned to this. And as back up gave magnus the suggestion seen below.
* The Emperor firmly believes in Taco Friday, whereas Dorn believes in Taco Tuesday. This disagreement causes a minor civil war (A.K.A. the TTS-Version of the Dornian Heresy). Magnus ups the ante by believing that [[Warp|Taco ''Tuesday'' should be on ''Friday'']].
* The Emperor (officially) did not create any [[Female Space Marines]] because "girls are yucky." It is implied the real reason he didn’t is because Slaanesh ruined the idea.
* The Emperor's left eye was accidentally poked out by Rogal Dorn's iron halo while attaching him to the Golden Throne. However, in older depictions of the Emperor's duel with Horus, it was one of the wounds inflicted upon him (he also broke many bones, burned the Emperor's hair, poisoned him, etc.).
* Some of the Emperor's previous personas included Moses, Michael Jackson, Robert Downey Jr., and [[Chris-Chan]]. All these, especially the latter shows just how much of a troll Big E is.
* The Emperor's shattered psyche can access knowledge of the 4th wall. This is not always available.
* The Emperor approves of the Tau in theory, although in practice only those willing to engage in melee. So basically just the [[Farsight|Farsight Enclaves]].
* In fact, the Emperor is fine with tolerating any xenos that aren't a threat to mankind. Absolute eradication is unnecessary if regulation suffices.
* Despite his intentions for the Imperial Truth involving suffocating the Chaos Gods, the Emperor's attempts at atheism were in fact making [[Necoho|an actual god of disbelief]]... according to Magnus.
* The Emperor can shape the [[Astronomicon]] so that he can flip the bird to the rest of the galaxy.
* Has a known hobby: Plays a children's card game (Yu-Gi-Oh) with a clearly cheesy, overpowered and unfair deck... that, like most [[cheese]], was destroyed as soon as it came across a hard counter. [[Horus Heresy|Apparently Emprah still hasn't learnt the lesson about why using OP stuff is a very bad idea.]] It later turns out that Tzeentch is the only person he can play with. Tzeentch's deck is similarly cheesy, but relies more on combos. Both of them also make heavy use of banned cards and have a rather... loose grasp on the actual rules.
* The Emperor has called for a second Council of Nikea. This one has nothing to do with Magnus; ironically, it's centered on the Space ''Corgis'', and the fact that the [[wikipedia:Woodland Critter Christmas|friendly woodland critters]] of Fenris that the Wolves commune with are actually daemons. We've yet to see Magnus' and Leman Russ' reaction to the news, but it's guaranteed to be hilarious.
* He has also ordered [[Logan Grimnar]] to deliver presents to all the good little boys and girls in the Imperium on Sanguinala.
* While he has a number of colorful insults for his subordinates, including the primarchs, he also has pet names for his sons, such as "my little Magnymagic", "RogalyDonDon", and "my Fabulous Fucking Hawk-Boy".
* The First Founding was originally named the [[Only Founding]], and was renamed after [[Codex Astartes|Guilliman's fuck up]].
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RuE2waTrXKk The Emperor disapproves of the saying "Life is the Emperor's currency"].
* The Emperor's flaming sword sounds like a squeaky toy hammer (at least when he bashed Tzeentch's faces in).
* Magnus identifies with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
* The Emperor believes gold is the greatest color of them all, and that all other colors are equally inferior.
** He likely doesn't consider Platinum to be a true color in that case.
* There is a chance that the popularity of TTS has influenced Warhammer Gaming as a whole. Every big Warhammer game that has come out since TTS has had cutscenes somewhat similar to those of the series, and actual canon for 40k has progressed in a generally similar direction. Some have accused Games Workshop of copying what they like from it, while others say the series inspired GW writers to get off their asses and make something actually new.
** [[Aaron Dembski-Bowden]] is [https://www.reddit.com/r/Warhammer/comments/7igatt/im_aaron_dembskibowden_ask_me_anything/dqykv2l/ confirmed to be "a big fan" of TTS], actually. Ironically, he started watching it after people drew comparisons between Master of Mankind and the series.
** Furthering the influence, Alfa made an entire episode of the TTS cast playing [[Stellaris]] at the behest of that game's devs. It is about as disastrous as expected.
* Reading the book ''Inquisitor'' by [[Ian Watson]] causes disgust and trauma to several of the characters present, in no small part due to [[Jaq Draco]] constantly lusting after his [[Callidus]] assassin disguised as a [[genestealer]], as well as the overly long description of the Slaaneshi planet in the Eye of Terror. Even Boy has horrifying visions in his missing eye after what he's experienced. Karstodes, on the other hand, seems to have confused it with ''[[Harry Potter]] and the Philosopher's Stone'' in a bout of impressive illiteracy, while Magnus seems to consider it so bad it's good, even if only to riff off several of the excerpts and provide a contrast to the less-than-enthusiastic approach of the others present.
** Additionally, there are apparently in-universe surviving records of fucking [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stanley_Kubrick Stanley Kubrick] briefly considering adapting Draco as his next movie. This is based on the movie ''A.I. Artificial Intelligence'' coming about partly because of a 90-page treatment written by [[Ian Watson]] under Kubrick's supervision, a fact brought up several times throughout the podcast, along with [http://www.visual-memory.co.uk/amk/doc/0094.html Kubrick seriously considering Inquisition for his next movie]. Interestingly, this makes Kubrick one of the oldest known historical figures in the TTS-verse, although his name has been corrupted over the millennia.
* Ever wondered what Big E and the Primarchs would do if they saw this hilariously bizarre version of their future? Someone named Preator98 on Space Battles does. Hence the 40k fanfiction based on the 40k fanfiction known as [https://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/if-the-emperor-watched-the-text-to-speech-device.408752/ If the Emperor watched the Text To Speech Device] was born! Follow the threadmarks to read the whole thing, and go to the [https://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/if-the-emperor-watched-tts-extras-thread.508247/ Extras Thread] to read more Primach/Emperor reactions to other fanfics such as the [[Alternate Heresy|Roboutian Heresy]].

==Gallery==
===Quotes and snippets===
<gallery>
Image:Text To Heresy.png| If [[/d/]] still existed in 40k you can bet the Emperor would purge it.
Image:NotCanonShout.gif| What happens whenever someone mentions Shadowsun around Kitten.
Image:EmperorSureal.gif| Emp's reaction to most things that have happened to the Imperium.
Image:EmperorDisgraceful.gif| Likewise.
Image:EmperorPunchesTzeentch.gif| The Emperor taking out his frustration on a certain [[Tzeentch|indecisive mollusk]].
Image:MagnusRant.gif| Magnus is not a fan of the Imperium's general intelligence levels.
Image:DeciusHatBoner.gif| What passes for "Religious Ecstasy" in the Ecclesiarchy.
Image:UltraFucknCrying.gif| Calgar's disappointment over the flanderization of the Ultramarines is palpable.
Image:PillarstodesEntrance.gif| [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUhVCoTsBaM| *Cue Awaken.mp3*]
Image:AhrimanEXCUSEME.gif| Ahriman is a very grumpy boss.
Image:SlaaneshPatrol.gif| If you hear EDM outside, don't answer the door. EVER.
Image:HighLordsIllegal.gif| The High Lords in a nutshell.
Image:SuddenlyDaemons.gif| Magnus' original fuckup barely fazed him at the time.
Image:EmperorSpanking.jpg| The Emperor is the ideal father figure.
Image:UltraSmurfingNecrons.gif| Calgar engaging in a little Ultraviolence.
Image:RussWolfWarfare.jpg| Leman Russ' version of the infamous Navy Seal Copypasta.
</gallery>

===Fanart===
<gallery>
Image:NOT CANON.png|Kitten with his TOTALLY NOT CANON girlfriend [[Shadowsun]].
File:Kitten and shadowsun tragic story by khornez.jpg|''Tale as old as time...''
File:KittenCustodesbyAdeptusAdamaris.jpg|Turns out the nickname wasn't an accident.
File:NotCanonbyMagnifical.jpg
File:Luscious lucius prankz gone heretical 2016 by sexual yeti.png
File:TTS Rogal by eightball6219.jpg|When a tech-priest asks for a toaster, you give him a damn toaster!
</gallery>

==External Links==

* [https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLyiDf91_bTEgnBN0jAvzNbqzrlMGID5WA The entire series.]
* [https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/WebAnimation/IfTheEmperorHadATextToSpeechDevice TV Tropes's page, for extra references.]
* [http://if-the-emperor-had-a-texttospeech-device.wikia.com/wiki/If_The_Emperor_Had_a_Text-To-Speech_Device_Wiki And a whole wiki to cover the show, too]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqbQ_oKmflM A remix cover of the ending theme by StringStorm, check his other remixes too.]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzPuK1vib_c Not content with his first remix, StringStorm made a second one.]

[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]]

If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device

2021-11-14T19:27:53Z

2601:449:8280:2630:98A6:8027:1751:4353: /* The Imperial Army Imperial Guard Astra Militarum WALL of GUNS */

{{Cleanup}}
{{Spoilers}}
[[File:If-the-emperor.png|500px|right|thumb|]]
{{Topquote|'''The LORD:''' "You've nothing more to say to me? You come but to complain unendingly? Is never aught right to your mind?" '''Mephistopheles:''' "No, Lord! All is still downright bad, I find.|Goethe's Faust, Prologue in Heaven.}}

The fallen will forever be remembered as the Emperor's finest.

A Youtube series created by Bruva Alfabusa, the show follows the exploits of [[Emprah]] himself in his quest to bring the Imperium of Man to its former glory, helped by the Captain-General of the [[Adeptus Custodes]] (nicknamed "Little Kitten"[[C'tan|...ha]] by his disrespectful underlings), Magnus the Red (now both ensouled and forgiven), and a hilarious cast of other major 40k characters. The series has become a huge success mostly by poking fun at many of the memes, traditions, and quirks of the 40k universe and the fandom, but also by some very awesome scenes, and, of course, great music. This shit has become so popular that it has its own fanfiction (one of which ended up gaining multiple meta-Fanfictions of its own (Does that make them a fanfic... within a fanfic... within what's essentially the video version of a fanfic?)), and there's even a few quotes from the show scattered through the affected characters' pages here. Seriously.

Most fans agree that, while a wild and very unserious take on the 40k universe, and the episodes are often littered with injokes (to the point of one regarding Magnus's VA taking up an entire special), the plot itself isn't actually that outlandish. If the Emps would wake up, it's pretty much a given that he would remove the worst parts of the Inquisition in short order, as well as enacting extensive reforms throughout the rest of the Imperial bureaucracy, while probably being an ass, as he always was. The unsure part is if the Emps would have learned from his 10,000 years of mistakes, which the series believes he has, deep inside. Doesn't help his [[Rage|temper]] though. Ultimately, the 40k universe in its infancy was also originally very wild, unserious, and full of injokes.

The series began back during the unending plot stagnation that had happened between third and seventh, though now that the plot's actually begun to move forward for a change, the series has seen some events unfold that mirror or reference the ongoing advancement of the official 40k plot.

The so-called "TTS-verse" also includes Karl the Deranged's series [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5enLrHSMuIs Chaos Descends], and Eliphas the Inheritor's [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1cXYan0NQA Behemoth] trilogy. "Specials" are slated for story content that takes place outside the throne room. The show also has an in-character podcast that reviews [[Black Library]] books called ''If The Emperor Had a Podcast.'' As in, they go to the Webway Black Library, and pick up books published by GW's Black Library.

In July 2020, a spin-off of the spin-off series ''Bro-Trip 40,000'' was launched. The series, known as [https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLWK8vQC22MgykekzOVpFanOREYV7cY9pL ''WarHams''], consists of tabletop sessions played in [[Wrath and Glory]] with some of the voice actors and writers of TTS.

However, in the grim dark present of the 3rd millennium, on July 29, 2021 Alfabusa made a decision to pause If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device indefinitely due to GW's bullshit new "Zero Tolerance" policy towards fan animation. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXljeaktnDA Full video statement here.]] It should be noted that Bruva Alfabusa's patreon income more than doubled after this announcement, as a result of collective community support (and collective RAGE at GW).

==Dramatis Personae==
Starting off with a few characters, the series has evolved to encompass a fuckton of major and minor characters, with their own small arcs and all. It's not quite [[Order of the Stick|OotS]] level, but it's getting there.

===Team Emperor===
[[Image:Pleased Emprah.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Emperor of Mankind]]''': The Emprah, who's now able to verbally communicate with people after Techpriests installed a text-to-speech device on his throne. Do you know how Roboute Guilliman is a 'jerk with a heart of gold'? Well the Emperor is a massive frothing plasteel power ceramite spiked dickbag with tourettes and a heart of gold/platinum alloy <s>studded with diamonds</s> that menaces with spikes of diamond. Is currently planning to rebuild the Imperium after hearing the clusterfuck of stories from his Captain-General caretaker. He also has a pet [[Centurion Squad|Centurion]] (who turns out to be rather an important person of the Primarchial variety), which he finds adorable, while finding [[Dreadknight]]s abominable.

He is a jerk, frequently insulting the Captain-General with little reason other than he can (and because it's funny), and dialogue with Magnus implies he's always been a prick. Nonetheless he is ultimately a sympathetic character who wanted to create a better future for humanity and the comedic outrage he displays at all the bad news he gets is justified given how he frequently hears about costly victories that could have been avoided if the men in charge were less incompetent and how the Imperium has been destroying itself (usually because of the Inquisition).

The Emperor has a new plan for defeating Chaos after the "starve them out by getting rid of religion" plan didn't work, but like before, he refuses to tell anyone what that plan is (although this time around, it's apparently not because he doesn't trust anyone, but because he doesn't want to spoil the surprise. Though it's probably sending the Ultramarines to destroy Chaos). As of certain revelations post-Gathering Storm, he's definitely a lot nicer than canon Emprah. Such as getting incredibly furious when he hears that the Inquisition has been murdering his people, reading Rogal a bedtime story (which, naturally, is a guidebook to being an architect) and such. This Emperor seems to honestly care about each individual human but accepts that his decisions cannot be based on that compassion.

Last we see of Emps shows off one of the most human moments of his existence. Kitten is sadly killed after being ambushed by Belisarius Cawl and a myriad of Ad Mech cheese units. Despite Big E's ridiculing of Kitten in the past, the Captain-General's death enraged the Emperor to no end, his psychic power reaching its peak and nearly tearing Terra in half in a bout of rage that is equal to, if not surpasses, Khorne's daily mirror screaming session. Fortunately Rogal was able to calm him down by donning his Centurion armor and leaps at his father, calming the shrieking skeleton and causing rain to pour across Terra as the Emperor's rage turns to sadness.

**'''The Star Child''': Spoiler alert on this one, but Emps on Terra isn't the only part of Emps still sticking around. If the foreshadowing is anything to go by, he seems to be the largest non-Throne fragment of the Emperor's soul that contains his compassion and love for mankind. Saved the remainder of the Inquisition and Leman Russ from Skarbrand and is currently hijacking Fyodor's body in order to get back to the Material Realm.

[[Image:Sad Kitten.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''Custodes Captain-General (aka Kitten (Real Name: Captain-General Kittonius etc. etc. etc. (as far as Spacebattle’s concerned)))''': Captain-General of the [[Adeptus Custodes]] and the only <s>Custodes</s> [[Companion|Hetaeron]] who appears to have retained most of his sanity after the near-death of the Emperor (as can be seen in the latest episodes, the rest of the Custodes seem to have maintained some form of balance). He serves as both the Emperor's personal caretaker and assistant, and pretty much the only person he regularly talks to and his main link to the outside world.

Generally, the only person the Emperor trusts and treats like a son, albeit constantly berating him whenever he does something stupid, or because he just feels like it. He also seriously hates [[Tau]]. One episode implies that it is because [[Shadowsun]] spurned him for the Greater Go'''OHISWEARTOFUCK THAT WAS ''NOT'' FUCKING CANON!''' He is named ''Little Kitten'' by his fellow Custodes, for "purring his way so far into their ranks", but his real name is a long seemingly nonsensical word salad supposedly based on his accomplishments...

But given how he's been stuck in the palace for the last ten thousand years said accomplishments include things like "Goldilocks-Sunshine-Graham-Corncob". His frequent emotional outbursts despite the supposed emotionless state of the Custodes is intentional and played for humor. After being forced out of the position of the caretaker by his fellow Custodes, Kitten fell into a depression, to which Magnus ominously is taking advantage of by making Kitten his ally in making the Imperium great again and totally not get back at the old man.

So far all he has done was kill a bunch of Lacrymoles that were impersonating the High Lords of Terra. It has been revealed that his uncanny knowledge of the outside world (considering the hate of knowledge in the Imperium in general) could come from the Black Library itself. Has become a master of [[Paradox poker|Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker]] (which is literally just [[Yu-Gi-Oh]] here), defeating not only the Emperor (because of his refusal to unplug Guilliman) but also Tzeentch of all things. <s>He has recently been turned silver</s> by Tzeentch while playing a children's card game (again) and winning over Magnus the Red’s soul.

As of Episode 27, GLORIOUS GOLDEN ARMOR RESTS UPON HIS BREAST ONCE AGAIN, albeit with a bit of silver. In episode 25, the duo arrived on Nocturne and went to 'borrow' the Engine of Woes. At this point, Magnus accidentally kills Vulkan with the engine, which releases Corvus Corax, who was in there the whole time. The Salamanders and Corvus quickly became hostile to Magnus, however, so he teleported himself and Kitten away. He later gets lost in the warp, encounters Crotalids, and plays COD with Apollo Diomedes and Indrick Boreale.

He's now on Mars in order to find and retrieve the Proteus Protocol, a mythical technology that can supposedly bring back Big E, with a retinue of Custodes (including the most FABULOUS dreadnaught in the entire Imperium). Sadly did not appear in Special 6, when the gang played <s>Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay</s> D&D. He and his Custodes henchmen defeat the Fabricator-General in a song-battle and learn the location of the Proteus Protocol in Ep. 28, before his underlings finally accept him and let him know that being cuddly and kindhearted is exactly what the Custodes and the Imperium need in the 42nd millennium (after all, the Imperium has enough warriors. What it really needs is a DADDY).

Sadly, in Episode 30 he has fallen in battle against Cawl and his Skitarii forces, and thanks to FUCKING GW, he will never rise again (he would have risen with the Proteus protocol if episode 31 ever happened)

**Is most likely ''not'' Constantin Valdor or Trajann Valoris, given the latter didn't exist when the series was first made and the former's fate is unknown in the canon. The entire point of the running gag regarding his name is likely to distance himself from any of the canon Captain-Generals. However, it is worth noting that the armor he starts wearing as of EP27 is directly based on Valoris' miniature, though with silver parts thanks to Tzeentch's sorcery, and with the feather on his armor replaced with one of Magnus' instead.
**Episode 28 puts the matter to rest: He is NOT Constantin Valdor or Trajann Valoris. However, according to official GW canon, a Centurion named Longinus was the one who took St. Alicia Dominica and her bodyguards into the Sanctum Imperialis during the Age of Apostasy- something Kitten also did in Ep. 3 or of the same name. It stands to reason that Kitten is Longinus, then.

*'''[[Magnus the Red]]''': The closest thing to a sane person besides the Captain-General (who plays the straight man depending on the situation), and occasionally plays "devil's advocate" as a result. He was retrieved from wherever within the Warp by the sheer plot-armor-powered efforts of [[Cato Sicarius]] and then brought to the Golden Throne, followed by the Emperor bullying [[Tzeentch]] in order to steal back Magnus' soul.

Touched, he somehow managed to forgive the Emperor (sort of) and decided to help the Emps with his plan to fix the Imperium, but Emps being a jerk to him is starting to test his patience. The shiny new bike he was given helped with their reconciliation... buuuut, Emprah being Emprah, it didn't take long enough to start insulting and mocking Magnus back and forth constantly. (Nice Dad skills, really). He may not be actively working for Chaos anymore, but he also quickly runs out of patience with his father and is attempting to fix the Imperium without his help, partly because he has serious doubts about his current sanity (which is kind of justified), and partly just to spite him.

Fortunately, as a Primarch and a particularly knowledgeable one at that, Magnus can probably get it done just fine on his own. Magnus turns into a [[neckbeard]]ed daemon cyclops [http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/mediawiki/images/9/9a/MagnusEpic.jpg that is a bit reminiscent of his] old [[Epic]] model, whenever he enters [[rage]] mode - usually prompted by any mention of [[furries|Space Wolves]], causing him to flashback to the Burning of [[Prospero]]. He's currently undertaking some obscure schemes with the unwitting aid of the Captain-General Kitten, including the attempted assassination of the [[High Lords of Terra]] and "borrowing" the Engine of Woes from Nocturne.

While playing with an ouija board on board a ship with Kitten, Tzeentch arrives to "reclaim" custody of him from his "abusive" father and morphs him back into his Daemon Prince form. It took Kitten playing a child's card game (again) with Tzeentch to keep Magnus out of his clutches. On the other hand, Magnus is stuck in his Daemon Prince form while Kitten theoretically owns his soul (much to his embarrassment and dismay). In episode 25, the <s>couple</s>'''Partners*''' arrived on Nocturne and went to 'borrow' the Engine of Woes. Magnus decides to sneak into the base instead of using his OP invisibility though after a bit of poking at Kitten (it involves Tau, guaranteed to piss him off) then decides to go yell in a North England accent at a guard.

The Engine of Woes, a green hatchback car (<s>the infamous Fiat Multipla</s> a Smart Fortwo) then released Corvus Corvax after Magnus killed Vulkan for hugging him, prompting the entire chapter of the Salamanders to pop up and become very hostile with Magnus (which basically equates to ''purposefully'' hugging you so hard your spine snaps, instead of accidentally doing so). Corax isn't happy either, as he was released from his super dark hole after thousands of years, which forces Magnus to teleport himself and Kitten away.

Vulkan suddenly super healed himself again and wants to hunt/hug Magnus. Later, when Kitten chooses his <s>army list</s> delegation for the trip to Mars, Magnus seems to embrace his inner neckbeard in a different way. After Kitten went on his trip, he met the Emperor to inform him about their return, and as predicted earlier, he was bombarded with chicken jokes instantly. Surprisingly enough, Dorn was the one who complimented him on his new visage. Dawwww... [[Extra Heresy|Magnus controversially thinks Taco Tuesdays should be held on Fridays While still being called Taco Tuesdays.]]

Currently perusing the Black Library for any mention of Cypher. <s>This means we’ll probably see him next around episode 50 as he’ll inevitably get sidetracked and read every book in the Black Library in his incessant thirst for knowledge.</s> Nevermind, [[Cegorach]] showed up to stop them from doing anything and instead challenged Magnus to a comedy battle in front of a Harlequin Troupe. This went about as well as one would expect, with Magnus' dry, cynical sense of 'humor' being beaten out by Cegorach's somehow even more horrid sense of 'humor' involving copious amounts of dead memes that would probably result in Cegorach's immediate strike from a banhammer would he be on /tg/. Magnus nearly commits unintentional suicide though due to using way too much self-deprecative humor, as such comedy causes people's souls to die and wither away and since Magnus is a Warp projection this nearly kills him, like dead dead. But Cegorach calls the battle a draw after some convincing and deal-making with the Fabulous Custode and sends him to help [[Eldrad]] awaken [[Ynnead]] instead...

*'''Mini-Magnus'''* Upon sending Captain-General Kitten on his way to Mars, Magnus plucks off a tuft of his daemonic wings and places them on Kitten's Captain-General armor. By focusing on the feathers and saying "Mini-Magnus! Come forth!" it summons a miniscule version of Magnus with a nasally voice and simple personality defined by drawing out words and replying in simple phrases. This Mini-Magnus will pop forth announcing "It meeeeeeeeeeee". Mini-Magnus acts friendly towards Kitten and is supposedly incapable of lying as Kitten probes him for information regarding the Proteus Protocol and Magnus' true intentions with Mini-Magnus revealing that if Magnus is lying than he shall "Shed my skin, innards, and bone to become a curse upon big-Magnus perennially." proving that though he is a part of Magnus, he is entirely willing to curse Magnus.

**Magnus is quite fond of tabletop games and created a decent character, Magnar Buckethead, for an upcoming game with the rest of the delegation, spending a week writing his backstory. But since only he and the Grand Provost Marshal read the rules, he had to be GM. Then he used Buckethead as a starting NPC that gave a first quest for the characters of his comrades, only to get brutally killed afterwards due to horrible decisions and even worse rolls.

Seeing his character [[your_dudes|on whos creation he spent so much effort]] getting [[Khorne|Bled]], [[Tzeentch|Backstabbed]], [[Nurgle|Being thrown shit at (literally)]] and [[Slaanesh|Mutilated]] naturally enraged him. Compounded with all the rest of the rail-breaking the party committed on his eloquently-crafted plot, he spent the rest of the campaign he trying to get other characters killed in various ways and failing.

*<s>'''[[Rogal Dorn]]'''</s> '''Lord Ador(n)able:''' Primarch of the [[Imperial Fists]]. Is revealed as the Emperor's personal Centurion, with whom he had nightly cuddling sessions prior to his reveal. He came out of hiding after Kitten brought up the topic of discussing the [[Space Wolves]], where he vehemently suggested not to discuss the Wolves to prevent Magnus from spazzing out. His extreme bluntness is shown to be less because he is an asshole and more because he is extremely oblivious and literal-minded and his stubbornness, a trait ingrained also in his legion, grants him such a closed-minded view and lack of understanding of social situations that he almost always fails to read sub-texts or commonly understood jokes/innuendos.

Then again, given at one point he drops his stoic facade to chuckle at the Emperor being hypocritical about skeleton worship (while claiming his favorite humor is actually the analysis of reality, e.g. "Slapping your hands together to make noise is a strange way of expressing praise"), he could just be trolling everyone by acting the laconic fool in response to "fool-proof" metaphors. Additionally, in episode 24 it is greatly implied he is fully aware of everything going on, including the Emperor's plans, implying he has some form of "super-sanity". Or maybe it's due to using a fucking chainsword to scratch his head.

Before his disappearance, he used to consult his "magic pain glove" until his hand fell off. Despite his eccentricities and his probable inability to understand sarcasm, he can still make surprisingly lucid observations such as that the End Times are coming and that not even the Chaos Gods will survive the inevitable heat death of the entire universe. He even manages to, perhaps unwittingly, [https://youtu.be/ihskUz0obzY?t=390 deliver one of the sickest burns yet on the Emperor], leaving him speechless.

Actually, nearly every line he spouts is full of unintentional hilarity. Is fully capable of "The Laughter". Also believes fully that the "Taco Tuesday" is the true path, and disbelieves that "Taco Friday" is a thing, accusing his father of being a liar for implementing such a belief, making Rogal start the "[http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/heresy/thedornianheresy.pdf Dornian Heresy]", end of the taco Friday, and possibly the end of Emps---{{BLAM}} Very protective of Boy, to the point of actually becoming emotional at the prospect of him being traumatized, and also willing to risk a fortified window or two in order to chuck the Pillar-stodes from them should they keep threatening the child.

As of Episode 12, most major characters "bend" while they are moving, as opposed to them just moving statically like in earlier episodes. Dorn is the only major character who does not do this. Makes sense, knowing the guy.

*'''Boy''': A young serf boy who operates the voxcaster during the Emperor's podcasts and sort of tagalong kid and resident punching bag. He has another name, but because he was too slow in saying it, The Emperor decreed that his name is "Boy". Originally incredibly meek and timid due to serving Big E himself, he has recurrent bouts of hyperventilation and anxiety, he later starts to grow a spine and become more self-confident while also becoming physically stronger due the need of walking from his hab-block to the Inner Sanctum while skipping through the throngs of pilgrims at the Palace, avoiding deadly booby-traps and scaling the stairs to the Throneroom.

Apart from operating the vox caster and often times being an unfortunate butt monkey, his other role is representing the knowledge of the average Imperial citizen, which is unsurprisingly abysmal due the lack of education (or in the case of some people, the need to make up for comprehensive education). Has become more intelligent due to Dorn (who had quickly grown fond of him) tutoring him to the point of summarizing the Black Templars in their entirety based on vague information and pointing out chapter flaws AND possibly [[Chapter Master (game)|immense numbers of Chaplains and Apothecaries of which even the High-Marshal apparently was not aware off]], [[Administratum|nor the Emperor & company noticed]]. Is friends with Billy, and in the process of bonding with Magnus the Red of all people due being similarly one-eyed and capable to see horrific warp phenomena (though he has since had a cybernetic replacement installed in the socket).

Additionally, he wishes to be an Astartes, and due to the fact that there's a Chapter of them who keeps their Star-Fortress Monastery parked in orbit most of the time with their [[Rogal Dorn|Primarch]] being basically his adoptive father, it isn't that far fetched. He managed to get the only surviving [[Warhammer_40,000/Tactics/Talons_of_the_Emperor_(30k)#HQ|Tribune]] to dawww at his child-like wonder, and told the Shield-Captain to [[Imperial Guard|"Eat the death-porridge, sir!"]]

Also he kicked and beat his Overseer to death for being demeaning to him and threatening to murder his entire family and all his associates; because said Overseer simply couldn't imagine a mere novice would be allowed in the Emperor's presence and believed he was outrageously lying and blaspheming. In the process though, he had his eardrums blown out by the Overseer's Ass-Hailer security guard (and here too got cybernetic replacements afterwards). It appears he lived in a district close to an outpost of the [[Skaven|"underground rattie imperigum"]], hinting the Great Horned Rat and the Skaven may have truly managed to invade the 40k reality, probably thanks to the use of transdimensional Gnawholes gone awry. He (and presumably his family) now live in the Sanctum.

He quickly became a mascot for the populace of the Empire as a whole and as of Episode 29 has officially become a character in the primary series. He is last seen feeling unimaginable agony in his remaining eye after the sheer degeneracy of [[Asdrubael_Vect|Asdrubael Vect fucking with the Star-Fyodperor so hard it renders the]] anti-Commoragh glasses worthless.

===Imperials (So sorta good guys)===
[[Image:Pillar-Stodes.png|thumb|right|From right to left: Wamuudes, Custodisi, and Karstodes.]]
*'''The Pillar-stodes (Wamuudes, Custodisi, and Karstodes)''': Some of the Emperor's personal companions from the Great Crusade days, and the current Tribunes of the Adeptus Custodes. As far as the main TTS-Reaction thread's concerned, their real names are Karius Dolman, Disistan Flavius, and Whamusus Balik. After his interment into the Golden Throne, the rest of the Custodes have shed their armor as a sign of mourning. (though Whammuudes has other reasons involving the emperor's...[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aT2y2tvmeA0 undesirables])

This, however, has also caused them to become fabulous hedonists, which greatly disturbs the Emperor. Not only do they somehow not take it to a Slaaneshi-tier extreme, they actually despise Slaaneshi daemons the most, much to the Emperor's confusion. They also have no respect for their Captain General and don't even seem to remember that he's their superior, actually [[Just As Planned|taking away his job as the emperor's caretaker by doing something for him]]. They constantly slip innuendos into their conversations, much to the discomfort of everyone involved, except for Rogal (who is too literal-minded to notice).

A running gag with them is that whenever the Pillarstodes come into a scene, they would dynamically jump in from nowhere with their own [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUhVCoTsBaM personal theme song], and also make obscure Jojo references at times. The three Pillarstodes' appearances are based on the Pillar Men from [[JoJo's Bizarre Adventure]]: Battle Tendency; a group of fabulously well-built, half-naked Aztec vampire demigods seeking immortality. They do have discernible personalities, though;
**Karstodes is a spotlight-hogger who is desperate for the Emperor's attention, which makes him act like a yes-man and threaten anyone who dares even hint at disagreeing with Big.E with violence.
**Waamudes is the one making all the innuendoes, double-entendres and sees lewdness in all things. He's so good at oiling and greasing his fabulous body he's transcended friction (for the most part).
**Custodisi is at first sight the most sane of the three, having no qualms with plainly telling the Emperor he doesn't know something, or even daring voice dissent. Turns out he's... unhealthily... obsessed with Primarchs, however.

Two (Custodisi and Wamuudes) wind up encountering Cegorach in front of the Black Library. They manage to gain entrance and retrieve a surprising amount of literature on the White Scars, but are traumatized by the Laughing God & are mentally exhausted from sifting through so much knowledge. Apparently, Cegorach was quite scary, as they are terrified after hearing his "[BAZINGA]" cue; although it may simply be a reference to that one time when two Harlequins managed to enter the Imperial Palace and slaughtered a shit load of Custodes while claiming to have come in peace and simply want to deliver a message to the Emperor (and the best is that [[Heresy|one of them was saved by the Inquisition]] [[Extra Heresy|in the name of inter-species friendship]], in spite of the Captain-General being hell-bent on killing both), so it is actually no surprise at all that some Custodes have got massive traumas.

Recently, after the trip to the Black Library, Custodisi and Wamuudes have been semi-corrupted and began spouting Khornate speech and wishing to genocide the normies in the anger intervention against Helbrecht, high marshal of the [[Black Templars]]. (Actually, back in 2nd edition where you could play <s>Chaos</s>{{BLAM|'''REDACTED'''}} bands in an RPG fashion style, there was a tiny possibility for your lord of Choas to be a Custodes! So, <s>Chaos</s>{{BLAM|'''REDACTED'''}} Custodes are (were) canon... and compared to modern Geedubs, this show relies quite a lot on old [[fluff]]). Recently, Custodisi has been theorized to have been Horus’d by Emps after he mentioned the sheer concept of “wincest” within metaphysical earshot of '''YA BOI'''.

He later appeared in the 6th special, apparently having been transported to the WARHAMMER Fantasy world, where he encountered the main cast playing at game of Fantasy Roleplay and killed a bunch of their characters. Interestingly, Custodisi lost an arm in this fight, just as ACDC/Elsidisi, the character he's based on, lost an arm fighting Joseph in Battle tendency. Custodisi has since "returned from hell" with a few trophies, a prosthetic arm, and a more humble attitude. Due to his good luck at being voiced by the series creator, Wamuudes leads the voxcasts, as well as having a set of vox logs of his own.

Meanwhile, whilst Custodisi and Waamudes had their heretical swings, Karstodes seems to have been on a path to improvement which culminated in ep. 28 when he recognized how unfair he had been to the captain general and resigned as caretaker. The Emperor was genuinely surprised and impressed by the Custodian's sudden insight, and praised Karstodes for having reached that conclusion of his own volition. Envigorated, Karstodes pledged to the Emperor to continue on his path of self improvement. He has a love-hate relationship with Boy, as Karstodes childishly competes for the Emperor's attention every second he is on screen.

This becomes even more intense when it's revealed that although frequently mocking Boy for his ignorance, Karstodes cannot read.

*'''Diavolodes''': Another crazy Jojo-Custodes (this one is based on Diavolo from part 5), he appeared out of the blue and asked Kitten and Magnus if they knew who he was, and was content to hear that they didn't. Once alone, he started to laugh maniacally, declaring that soon the new Emperor would be him, Diavodes! Also [[Alpha Legion|may or may not]] be [[Alpharius|a familiar face]] in disguise. He appears about 11 minutes into episode 22, and may have tagged along with Kitten's Mars expedition under the name Lrak (Nude-stodes figure appears during the pan out before Magnus sends them to Mars saying something about "Wanting to play among the Dunes"). Has a strange obsession with piss.

*'''Mars Delegation''': As part of the Captain General's mission to secure some choice intel from the Fabricator-General, he decided to grab a few particular allies from the various shield hosts.
**'''Hammurabi Unferth''': Shield Captain from the Emissaries Imperiatus. Apparently, the entire host is skilled in being passive-aggressive with the guilt trip, and he's the best at it. During the mars trip he is shown to be also pretty good at direct intimidation when needed and that he is a staunch supporter of kitten.
**'''Lockwarden of the Shadowkeepers''': The Shadowkeepers are the shield host specialized in guarding the vaults of Terra and the abominations within, one of which is an archaeotech monstrosity formed from a Singing Billy Bass. The Lockwarden seems to end all his sentences with shades emotes and has a...peculiar manner of speech. <s>He seems to have helped Kitten deal with his break up with Shado</s>'''NOT FUCKING CANON''' <s>and still gives him advice on the ma</s>'''NO NO NO'''. Love is a strange thing, dude B)
**'''Santodes''': Yep, you guessed it, a fourth Pillar-stodes, referencing Santana from JoJo, and voiced by none other than Curtis "'''Takahata101'''" Arnott himself. Santodes is a FULLY CLOTHED blue Contemptor-Achillus Dreadnought with a fabulous head of golden hair and a fascination for his frame that's on tier with his living counterparts. Santodes had previously been identified as the Custodes who threw himself in front of the Emperor (stripped down to his loin-cloth, no less) to try to upstage Ollanius Pius' sacrifice. He was put up to it by none other than Kitten, who has sheer passive-aggressiveness dripping off of him every moment Santodes is on screen. Hes also very seductive to Skitarii who find him very attractive (being 99.9% machine of the highest quality)

[[Image:High Lords Text.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''The [[High Lords of Terra]]''': The people responsible for running the Imperium itself. Despite this the majority of the High Lords never really discuss or do anything to the betterment of the Imperium and just act senile, usually discussing about subjects relating to defecation and its products, and once even planning to outlaw breathing for everyone but them. For this reason, Magnus wants them all dead and handle governing the Imperium directly, but Kitten may have succeeded in convincing them not to fuck over the Imperium so much.

Apparently, the High Lords are commonly recruited from the Old Folks' planet, a retirement home so terrible that the High Lords have banned ever saying its name. There are currently 5 (technically 7 if you count the Head Scribe and Fyodor) High Lords featured, aside from the Captain-General. The High Lords are currently enjoying their time off/wallowing in misery thanks to the fact that the Emperor has pretty much made them obsolete, especially after he made making new laws illegal.
[[Image:High Lords 2.jpg|thumb|right]]
:*'''[[Ecclesiarchy|<s>Ecclesiarch</s> Mancclesiarch]] Decius XXIII''': The only non-senile High Lord (so far, there's still more we haven't seen) aside from the Captain-General, who legitimately takes his post seriously, even standing up to Fyodor and forbidding him to shed a single drop of blood from Terra's population ([[rules lawyer|which Fyodor circumvented by using incendiary weaponry]]).

For not screwing up the Emperor's plan, not being an overzealous bag of insanity, and rushing to try to save the Emperor when Fyodor stormed Terra's Palace he is allowed to stay leader of the Ecclesiarchy, even as the Emps is disbanding it/just changing every mention of '''God'''-Emperor to '''Man'''-Emperor, due to the fact that he and those who obeyed Emprah now are in charge of reforming the Imperium from the craphole it has sunk in. [[Space Marines|Loyalty to the man rather than the word]] finally paid off.

Just about everyone mocks him for his hat, which gets limp or...stiff depending on his emotional state, leading to his nickname of Pope Shafthat XXIII [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pq-6aj9sNvo He proved that despite the crap others give him, he can make some pretty rousing speeches on the fly]. The Emperor is honestly pleased that Decius is genuinely loyal. When told by the Emperor that Emps is not a god, Decius is disappointed, but does not hesitate to accept it because his loyalty is strong enough that if the Emperor says he is not a god, then he is not a god.

He also was ready to do his best to disband the Ministorum despite knowing what the priesthood would do to him for such "heresy" because the Emperor said to. Ultimately, his genuine loyalty is heavily rewarded by the Emperor. It probably also helps that the Emperor doesn't force Decius or the Ecclesiarchy to stop worshipping him altogether, just as a God, instead allowing them to worship him as [[Humanity Fuck Yeah|the pinnacle of humanity and what everyone should aspire to]]. After all, he may not be a god, be he's still fucking awesome.
:*'''Fabricator-General of Mars''': The head of the Adeptus Mechanicus. Is so old that his voice stutters every time he speaks like a broken version of Stephen Hawking in addition to always speaking in little tunes. Constantly does nothing but insult his fellow High Lords for being made of flesh and recommend they swap out their fleshy bits for mechanical augmentations. According to other Magos, the Fabricator-General is also a massive junkie (literally as well as figuratively; his true form fills a room) and party animal and at the end of Episode 28, after being confronted by Dark Angels looking for Cypher, Asmodai <s>made him repent</s> MURDERED HIM VIOLENTLY.

He has recently been revealed to be utilizing the Proteus Protocol to survive repeated explosions and orders Cawl to liquidate the Custodes questing to retrieve the protocol. Gets hit very hard on the head by a Dark Angel Crozius Arcanum after suspected of knowing about the Fallen.
:*'''Grand Provost Marshal''': Head of the Adeptus Arbites, who does nothing but propose to make everything illegal. [[Judge Dredd|HE IS THE LAW]]... at least until The Emperor declares the act of making new laws to be illegal, something which utterly devastates him. This makes him surprisingly adept at tabletop roleplaying games as he read the rules and understood them even better than Magnus did.
:*'''Master of the Administratum''': The head of the Imperial bureaucracy. A bit less inept than the rest of the High Lords, he acts like your everyday senile grandfather.
:*'''Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard''': The leader of the Imperial Guard. Doesn't do much, apart from comparing war to the good ol' days. Aware enough to know that the removal of minor luxuries (laxatives, breathing) may have detrimental effects on the Imperial Guard. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUrhqCkYwps Lays a sicknasty dilarius biznasty beat.][https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wo5ro1nWsPU And has the bling to match.]

----

===The Ultrasmurfs===
Very obnoxious and accompanied by the Ultramarine Chant from Chaos Gate. They apparently cannot be defeated due to their literal use of the "holy Codex" from their "Spiritual Liege." Managing to do nigh impossible feats. While the Emperor is not amused with them at all, he tolerates their OP plot armor to do impossible tasks for him such as retrieving Magnus from the Eye of Terror (with their Gellar Field turned ''off'', of all things) with minimal casualties, finding and sneaking the rest of Vulkan's artifacts onto Nocturne, and (currently) outdancing the best Harlequin dancers in the Webway while searching for Jaghatai Khan. Other impossible tasks in the past include using a giant Necron Pylon as a melee weapon, outfighting a Transcendent C'tan shard and killing a Phantom Titan by punching it in the foot.
*'''[[Marneus Calgar]]''': Chapter Master of the Ultramarines. He's currently depressed and frustrated at the state of the Ultramarines where they basically win everything (due to their plot armor) as well as their strict adherence to the Codex Astartes to the point that it's no longer fun, nor satisfying, to win anymore. Due to this, his mood is eternally grumpy, only made worse by Sicarius' constant gloating. He actually seems to care deeply for the men under his command as he gets extremely pissed off when Sicarius put his marines at unnecessary risk to achieve another victory to inflate his reputation, so one could assume Sicarius is the exception. He also appears in a flashback during the second [[Tyranid]] war in Ultramar, where he did battle with the Swarmlord. [https://youtu.be/cB79pnU2f2I?t=5m30s While he put up a valiant fight, he found that they were equally matched, and thus, declared it a draw.] (also, that whole gag is a clear reference to a Monty Python movie about King Arthur, just search up “Monty Python black knight scene”) Blatant hints point towards a deal he made with [[Matt Ward|something]] to give his Chapter more victories (hinted to have begun during the Second Tyrannic War), which he deeply regrets. Best buds with [[Ciaphas Cain]]
*'''[[Illiyan Nastase]]''': Chief Astropath of the Ultramarines. He received a brief mention during Episode 25, when he delivered a message to the Ultramarines Chapter Master, but did not receive any screentime. Marneus Calgar is deeply resentful of Illiyan's existence, and very adamantly insists on pushing him out of the spotlight and removing all mentions of the half-Eldar's existence. Because yes, Half-eldar serving the Ultramarines are canon. (Seriously, why does everyone forget Nastase was never a marine to begin with?)
*'''<s>[[Cato Sicarius]]</s> Cunto Shitarius''': Current Captain of the Ultramarines 2nd company. Rather than an exaggeration of the canon Cato (who is a perfectly normal, bland Ultramarine) he's the physical embodiment of /tg/'s hatred of [[Matt Ward]]: a massive glory hound layered in plot armor, turned up to eleven, where he only cares for his advancement in the ranks of the Ultramarines and not much else. He apparently undertook the mission to capture Magnus the Red. Alone. Without his gellar field turned on, and his survival at such mission greatly pissed off Calgar to no ends (and someone on Spacebattles wrote a thread where he even pisses off Guilliman), who was hoping he would die. He is also very verbal about his intention to take the position of Chapter Master, which ''greatly'' upsets, or rather, very pisses off, Calgar (as Cato's dialogues largely implies that he's better than him and wishes for his death), to the point where he threatens to perform an [[Imperial Fists|"Imperial Fisting"]] upon Sicarius with his Gauntlets if he continues such thoughts. He also has a very egotistical, effeminate voice that can only be described as "the incredibly sanctimonious love child of tinnitus and a jackhammer", and he always refers to himself in the third person. [https://youtu.be/bM8YGsAmeqE?t=1m56s It's goddamn hilarious.]
*'''[[Uriel Ventris]]''': Current Captain of the Ultramarines 4th company. He doesn't have a lot of development yet, but appears as a close friend of Calgar and is the only one who's noticed the Ultramarines' theme of somehow always completing utterly suicidal missions. He comes to realize that some unknown force is tampering with space and time to rewrite history,([https://youtu.be/eG82ruvH0jc?t=120 Probably has to do with an ''itsy bitsy little'' '''SHARD''']) covering up the Ultramarines past failures and playing up their successes to impossible levels, and starts to suspect that Calgar knows more about this than he's letting on. He also loves to talk about the unique green trim in his armor. He ALSO hates Cunto Shitarius. Who doesn't?
*'''[[Roboute Guilliman]]''': The Emperor has regularly made a point of ordering the Custodes Captain-General to have him taken off life-support. Currently, the only reason he's still on it is Kitten winning an epic duel in a [[Yu-Gi-Oh|children's card game]] against the Emperor. The result of his actions and the Codex Astartes horrifies his father. Going by the previous canon of Guilliman perhaps actually regenerating from the wounds that supposedly killed him, the Empra likely wants the time stasis field deactivated so he can finally get off his fucking ass. Though if we're going by official canon, it seems that the Emprah's intervention is no longer necessary. Amusingly, canon Guilliman's reaction to the Imperium upon being woken up isn't ostensibly that different to TTSD Emperor's (minus the swearing, bullying, and psychic temper tantrums). This is also supported in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-Qt3SXfYf8 recent TTS-related content, when he was interrogated by Cyberdong the Techpriest].

===Team Friendly Crusade of Friendly Friendship===
*'''[[Ferrus Manus]]:''' Primarch of the [[Iron Hands]]. Due to him being dead, he only appears as a ghost. Strangely, only Vulkan and Corax are able to see and hear him, leading other people like Magnus to think that his brothers have gone insane (probably because they were at Isstvan V and watched him die). He does nothing but tells Vulkan and Corax that they [[Adeptus Mechanicus|(and flesh)]] are weak. As for the latter "-is weak" statement, Vulkan bonks Brain-ghost Ferrus on the head saying "the real Ferrus Manus would say the opposite, ya' dumb ghostface idiot" which raises some questions about if it really is Ferrus' ghost. Only his head is visible, leading to Vulkan calling him a skull-ghost, a "Skost" if you will.

====Salamanders====
The Salamanders are a bunch of pyromaniacs in Cataphractii Terminator armor, infamous for their obsession with fire. They appear to be severely deaf, and are at least prone to talking in very loud voices, not hearing Kitten freak out next to them or the Ultramarines sneak the artifacts past them while their infamous theme song was blaring, and later not hearing a trapped Corax called out for help. They also seem to be oblivious to their Primarch's perpetual abilities, given that they're utterly shocked whenever Vulkan dies and resurrects again, despite personally witnessing it happen at least 6 times already, so far. The Emperor wonders if the Salamanders' pyromania had to do with his act of keeping their gene-seeds closer to the candle for warmth when he was creating them.

*'''[[Vulkan]]:''' Primarch of the [[Salamanders]]. After the Ultramarines found the remaining artifacts of Vulkan in secret for the Salamanders, Vulkan returned to the chapter, where his return was greeted with great adulation (VUVUZELAS). He is notably quite crazy, both haunted by the not-ghost with a not-face of Ferrus Manus. He speaks with a distinct South African/Jamaican accent and loves friendship, brotherhood, and cute animals (including Catachan Barking Toads, leading to some snoot-booping hilarity in the spin-offs). Died during his battle with the Beast, after pushing it into a reactor of WAAAGH energy, causing him to occasionally gain an Ork's eyes, violent vocabulary and speech patterns after his inevitable resurrection (which is hilarious when juxtaposed with his normally friendly speech). Dies again after Magnus unintentionally telepathically crushed him under The Engine of Woes, the trunk of which Vulkan had locked Corvus Corax in, then promptly got better within mere minutes. Has used the [[Grimdark|darkest corner of the universe]] as a place to relax for over 9000 years and work on his hobby, Battlemace 42,000,000. He is currently traveling with Corax & the Salamanders across the Imperium before returning to Terra to finish giving the spine-crushing hugs he wants to give to Magnus. Also, as of Ep.27, Magnus suspects Vulkan had his soul fused with a piece of the Ork gestalt consciousness, effectively making him a half-ork. Vulkan can apparently tap into said energies and channel it through his faith in the Emperor, and can also apparently communicate with animals via the power of friendship. As of Bro Trip 3, he has somehow vanished after making a shocking recovery from the symptoms of a virus bombing with his innate Orkiness.
*'''[[Vulkan He'stan|He'stan]]''': Forgefather of the Salamanders. He is seen sleeping on an anvil on fire when Cato Sicarius delivered the remaining artifacts to the Salamanders, literally driving them through the wall of the fortress into the Forgefather's personal chambers. Thinking he found the artifacts in his sleep, he subsequently declares himself to be best forgefather (and doesn't know that Vulkan was actually hiding for 9000 years in a very dark corner on the same planet). He also has a very Girlish Scream.
*'''[[Tu'Shan]]''': Chapter Master of the Salamanders. Rocks a sweet set of dragon armor and has a very knightly manner of speech. Expect to hear the phrase "My Primach!" in some form a few times per appearance.

====Raven Guard====
A bunch of emotional, apologetic emos in Corvus armor with Jump Packs and Lightning Claws.

*'''[[Corvus Corax]]''': Primarch of the [[Raven Guard]]. Apparently spent the past few millennia on [[Nocturne]], trapped in a 3rd millennium smart car referred to as the "Engine of Woes" while writing edgy poetry. Is accidentally freed by Magnus when he uses the Engine of Woes to fight off Vulkan. Currently accompanying the Salamanders on a trip to the Imperial Palace. His personality is, hilariously, one of an edgy teenage goth, with his self-hate and moodiness turned up to eleven. Wants to show the Emprah his edgy poetry. Magnus and Kitten freak out when he appears. Looks surprisingly like John Wick, or Samurai Jack during Season 5 with unwashed ammonia encrusted long hair. Willing to accept his own death rather than bring it upon his friends and allies. Is currently traveling the Imperium with Vulkan, where he constantly acts as the morose voice of reason to contrast Vulkan's joyful insanity. As of Bro-Trip 3, Corvus demonstrated immense disgust at learning of Joppal's excessively money-driven politics particularly when faced with the concept of the Indentured Squadrons. Forms an alliance with the Indentured leading them in a revolution against the planets' greedy, malformed leaders.
*'''[[Kayvaan Shrike]]''': Raven Guard Master of Shadows (AKA Chapter Master - '''because why not'''.). He seems to be fairly bipolar, going from jovial to depressed at the drop of a hat. Also makes bird noises. Vulkan noted he was also extremely polite and apologetic; often saying sorry for things that weren't even his fault or deflecting apologies to him for misfortune by saying he deserves it for being neglectful.
*'''Kadus''': In lore, Kadus is one of the most esteemed Space Marines in the Raven Guard Chapter and is one of Chapter Master Kayvaan Shrike's closest personal friends, having served together with him alongside his other friend, Corus, since their time as initiates. In the series, he accompanies Shrike and acts as his more level headed counterpart.

====Warhams Crew====
A side story of a side story about a small four-man team consisting of a [[psyker]] murderhobo, a [[Skitarii]] murderhobo, an incompetent [[Rogue Trader]], and an [[Acolyte|Inquisitorial Acolyte]] of the [[Ordo Xenos]] who is somehow the straight man of the group. They are the owners of the ''Debt Collector'', an Imperial ship that has gone several cycles without proper maintenance. Their job is to go to planets as ambassadors, and they are often left with the weirdest places, like a [[ratling]] [[agri world]], a <s>(deserted(?)) [[Necron]] [[tomb world]]</s> perfectly normal planet where times are great, a penal colony, and a hive world where the people are so backwater that they're space-hillbillies who keep their own blood in separate bags.

*'''Lorn''': A psyker from [[Fenris]] with a huge beard. He is batshit crazy most of the time, and the one of the most LOLrandom characters on the show. Once had his psychic power dampened and grew muscles the size of an Ogryn's as a result. Played by Zoran, who also voices [[Leman Russ]].
*'''π Braine''': A Skitarii hailing from Lemuria, an underwater [[Forge_World#Planet|forge world]]. He is the other LOLrandom character, who likes to roam the halls of the ''Debt Collector'' and randomly murder crew members he thinks are sabotaging the ship. Usually though, the sabotages are more than likely his. Played by SpeakerD, who also voices [[Asdrubael Vect]], and The emperor when not stuck on the throne.
*'''Captain Zedek''': The Rogue Trader that captains the ''Debt Collector''. Though it's hard to say what he actually does on the ship, as he seems perfectly content to let everyone else on the ship solve his problems. Now that he has an actual Tech-Priest on the ship -- who is far more competent in her leadership -- he feels slightly threatened in his authority. Also now a drug addict. Played by HulkyKrow, who voices Kayvaan Shrike.
*'''Reeb Van Horne''': The Inquisitorial Acolyte from the [[Ordo Xenos]]. Surprisingly the least insane member of the group, although he's had his moments, like trying to resurrect a dead techpriest (and succeeding). When the plot needs to move along, his character tends to take care of business. Played by Earndil.

===The Deathwatch===
Who are you gonna call if some nasty Xenos wont leave your basement - call the 'Deathwatch'. 100% guarantee to eliminate the vermin.... and nick its stuff. If not then theres no refunds- as we are probably dead.
*'''Calato''': A [[Deathwatch]] Champion from the Dark Angels. Originally from BEHEMOTH, Calato served under Inquisitor [[Kryptman]], spending more time irritably fixing recaf rather than fighting Xenos. Calato later shows up trapped in the warp with Karamazov and the rest of the Inquisition, where he had the balls to call Leman Russ a dogfucker to his face. Naturally, Russ was not amused. Later they made up over a pint of Fenrisian Ale, with Calato drunkenly embracing Russ as his "uncle... dog... my duncle!" He is later seen fighting against [[Plaguebearers]] during their defense of Khaine's gate, where Wilford forcefully dragged him out of combat after failing their squad's morale check, all the while demanding vengeance.

*'''Wilford''': A [[Deathwatch]] Apothecary from the Ultramarines, who mostly agreed to join the Deathwatch as he is unable to stand his chapter's insufferable self-superior attitude. Originally appeared in BEHEMOTH, but accompanied Calato during Fyodor's assault in the Emperor palace, and subsequently banished to the Warp during that event. He's obsessed with keeping everyone's health optimal, constantly berating and advising them to avoid further or future injury and illness.

===The Dark Angels===
The Inner Circle are a ragingly paranoid group of neurotic basketcases, far more so than in canon. Keep having to make non-circle marines [[RIP AND TEAR |"repent"]] for overhearing them discussing the Fallen very loudly.

*'''[[Azrael]]:''' Chapter Master of the [[Dark Angels]]. He's depicted as an overly paranoid wreck, obsessing about [[Cypher]], the [[Fallen Angels]] and constantly telling any non-inner circle member that reports to them that they're doing nothing suspicious and secretly heretical. The fact that he had two newly indoctrinated inner circle members killed because they stumbled onto knowledge of the fallen (that he spat out in front of them) is played for laughs.
*'''[[Belial]]:''' Grand Master of the Deathwing. His emo personality is hilariously turned to eleven whenever he perceives himself or his chapter as not being perfect, which is every waking second. This curiously allows him to become more reasonable than the rest of the Inner Circle, allowing him to converse with other people that doesn't outright accuse or threaten them. He has an effeminate yet whiny voice similar to Thurston Howell III.
*'''[[Asmodai]]:''' The Dark Angels' Master of Repentance (which basically means "Violent Murdering" to him). Not nearly as a fun police officer as his canon counterpart; his personality is psychotically intense, often telling people to redeem themselves or he'll do the actual redemption. However, given his views on "redemption", it usually doesn't end well (it tends to involve a crozius to the face). He's also as every bit as paranoid as Azrael. [https://youtu.be/M56aycpd9kA?t=19m55s REPENT, MOTHERFUCKER.]
*'''[[Watchers in the Dark|Watcher in the Dark]] (aka Snurko):''' A Watcher that accompanies Azrael, who is apparently the only one of its kind who can talk. It suddenly spoke of Cypher while in the presence of two newly indoctrinated inner-circle Angels, [https://youtu.be/M56aycpd9kA?t=17m48s prompting Azrael to hilariously beat the shit out of it.] His speech and mannerisms appear to be based off Orko from the He-man series.

===The White Scars===
*'''[[Jaghatai Khan]] (Honoured Be His Name)''': Primarch of the White Scars. During the Horus Humbug, he managed to pull off the amazing feat of standing still for more than 20 seconds (while standing on a Razorback going at 200 miles per hour). After the Codex announcement, he may be in [[Commorragh]], as he desired to [[meme|go fast]] and beat [[Dark Eldar|"those knife-eared assholes"]] in their jetbike races. Not much is known about his whereabouts right now, but it does mean that we will get to see him. Also, the Emperor has stolen at least one of his bikes from his room. There are many bets on his character vibrating rapidly in place. Made a five second cameo at the end of the 29th episode.
*'''[[Kor'sarro Khan]]''': The White Scars' Master of the Hunt and "the only White Scar worth mentioning". While he hasn't appeared, he is talked about at length in a public broadcast on the subject of the White Scars chapter. While Emps and co. spend more time mocking Voldorius, The Emperor does briefly question why he isn't their Chapter Master, which is probably the biggest endorsement an individual Space Marine has gotten since the Horus Heresy.

===The Black Templars===
According to Rogal Dorn, the Templars are absolute lunatics obsessed with "PURGING WITH MY KIIIIIIIIIIIIIN". They enjoy listening to Linkin <s>Loyalists</s> Purge in their drop pods and ramming swords through Xenos skulls. Actually not that far off canon. They may be slightly improving after being forced/convinced to have ordinary humans, psykers, librarians, ratlings and all other sorts of abhumans in their ranks.
*'''Chaplain [[Grimaldus]]:''' Shows up in a filler short where he tries to ban the holiday of Sanguinala. The other Black Templars tell him he can't, prompting him to go to his bed and throw a loyalist tantrum.
*'''High Marshal Helbrecht:''' Received an anger management course from the Emperor and the custodians and was semi-convinced to teach the Black Templars to not be ''completely'' batshit insane. Also has a voice like that of a clown goblin gargling marbles. Prefers sitting on things that are [[Space Marines|''stiff'' and very ''hard'']] to things that are [[Tau|''soft'' and ''limp'']]. Was very pleased with the prospect of the Emperor shitting on the UltraSmurfs, a phrase he interpreted as being a literal desire to defecate upon them. [[/d/|'''Nasty.''']]

===The Space Corgis===
Renamed by official decree by the Emperor himself after being informed of how everything in their vernacular seemed to have been prefaced by the word "wolf", including curse words, such as Leman Russ replacing the word "fucking" with "wolfing". Their initiation rites for aspirants culminates in sending them through the Gate of Morkai to endure a [[Tzeentch|"squid"]] screaming at them without getting a boner (your guess as to ''how'' that might even occur).

*'''[[Leman Russ]]''': Primarch of the Space Corgis, been hiding in the Warp for eons and has the punching speed of a Super Saiyan. Has a verbal staredown with Karamazov, then proceeds to relentlessly mock him while obsessing over wolves. He also gives a thorough dressing-down of the 3 branches of the Inquisition, as well as the Deathwatch, Tempestus Scions and Sisters of Battle accompanying them (delivering the infamous line "Daemons of Khorne are gonna eat ya out like ice cream sandwiches once your Red Rage begins!"). He even has his own version of the [[meme|Navy Seal Copypasta]]. Despite being a Viking, he has a pseudo-Scottish accent specifically based on the late SeanConnery . Magnus has accused him of being a furry-fuck...He may not be wrong. He taught the Inquisition how to survive in the Warp by turning them into a drunken mob and killing innocent daemons. This includes pranks of various sorts, such as crank calling Furies, cockblocking a Daemonette at a bar (which actually kills it), ding-dong-ditching Skarbrand, and assaulting one of Nurgle's daemons with a fuckload of soap ''(and a bathtub)''. After learning that Magnus is currently located in the Imperial Palace, he decided to get out of the Warp and go back to Terra; this journey currently includes surviving an army from all the Chaos Gods led by some of the most infamous Daemons, then walking through the Gate of Khaine into Commuragh, and being escorted to the Dark Eldar Overlord Vect, alongside with Karamazov and Kaldor Draigo, He and Draigo or take into the arena, And are currently being held for ransom by vect. Is able to summon things by thinking about them really hard, ironically due to the fact that he is a psyker. He uses this ability to torture some Dark Eldar who challenged him to a game of 20 questions. Also appears to be friends with [[Boatmurdered|Urist Boatmurdered]]

*'''Space Wolves [[Wulfen]]''': Any mention of the Wulfen is normally echoed with someone bellowing "[[Digganobz]]" in a demented manner. This is referred within a Youtube short: the Grandmaster of the Grey Knights, Sir Covan Leorac, was presented an image of the Wulfen and he called them Digganobz. And yes, they really ''do'' look like Digganobz.

===The Grey Knights===
*'''[[Kaldor Draigo]]''': The Supreme Grand Master of the [[Grey Knights]], who is cursed to wander The Warp for eternity. Centuries wandering unrealspace however, eroded Draigo's sanity (at one point Leman questions if Draigo can even be considered sentient, which Draigo answers no), which might not be a bad thing as his craziness allows him to both stay in the warp without any trouble and murder daemons left and right (remember: the warp is a reflection of the minds of mortals and psykers can influence it to a higher degree. Draigo's insanity and powerful psychic talents allow him to shrug off the madness of the warp, simply because he believes without a shadow of a doubt that he can). He's made several appearances, first is annoying Fyodor's attack force after being banished into the warp by Magnus and later summoned by Kitten to handle Magnus' tantrum, which he does so in a split-second offscreen using inexplicable Mary Sue powers to defeat him. He now hangs around with Russ and company and is the only one besides Russ who can safely traverse the warp sober and troll daemons without his head exploding. Has apparently been sending Daemons (in the form of ordinary villagers, with jobs and families) into the "Super Warp" by throwing vortex grenades at them (given that they're already in The Warp, the grenades would suck them <s>to an even deeper version of The Warp</s> Back out into real space which, considering they’re demons, would mean that they would promptly die). Unfortunately, his [[Matt Ward|Wardian plot armor]] is not enough to protect him from one of the most powerful forces in the Warhammer universe: bad dice rolls (seriously, the dice they were using must’ve been horribly unbalanced). This shows quite painfully during the battle at Khaine’s Gate, where he repeatedly fails his psychic tests and charge attempts, causing a group of Tempesta scions, and a firing line of Sisters of Battle, to get brutally murdered by demons. he’s still a beast in close-combat though, as the Masque of Slaanesh can attest. Is known for insane ramblings that come out of pretty much nowhere, and make no sense, but are absolutely hilarious. Prominent quotes shall be listed in the bottom section. Briefly seen without his armor at the end of episode 28, letting us see that he is ''really'' out of shape. Turns out the reason he's so overpowered (and insane) is that the Deceiver shoved a shard of the Outsider into him.

*'''Covan Leorac''': A Grand Master of the Grey Knights. He appears in a short video where some Grey Knights report <strike>solid evidence of the [[Wulfen]] among the Space Wolves</strike> FAHCK YOU! DIGGANOBZ. However, Covan is absolutely convinced that they're Digganobz and not Wulfen, even hitting a Knight in the head for disagreeing with. Whether this is a jab at GW heavily basing the look of Wulfen on Digganobs or is in conscious denial to prevent the Grey Knights from waging a costly war upon the Space Wolves (again) is up to interpretation.

*'''Dread Knight''': The Emperor thinks its design is silly and looks like a baby cradle, but the Dread Knight proves to be as brave as it is massive, heroically charging at Skarbrand only to be made into a red paste after it initiated physical contact with him.

=== The Blood Angels ===

*'''[[Sanguinius]]''': Fabulous Fucking Hawkboy, and Primarch of the Blood Angels who is very, '''very''' dead. BUT he can appear lying face-up, head somewhat melty, in the visions/dreams of the faithful. (Though apparently only whilst they are heavily drugged on Ork Fungus...). Bears the dubious honour of being the only person the Emperor will not smack talk about nor tolerate being talked down about.
**'''The [[Sanguinor]]''': Mentioned in the second Q&A session where one of the [[Flesh Tearers]] is praying for his aid and a Blood Raven asks of his true nature. The Emprah has no clue, but hopes that it could be a 'fragment' of Sanguinius and hopes he returns. This implies the Emprah thinks that, just as his own soul was split into fragments by Fucking Horus, the same may have happened on some level to Sanguinius. Later makes a brief cameo swapping places to give his <s>girlfriend</s> colleague, Saint Celestine, a break from her stressful job of helping her sisters. While she was grateful and considered him shy and a sweetheart, she and the Blood Angels (that she rescued from Be'lakor on Sanguinala) realized her sisters would be trying to [[Rip and tear|tear]] him apart in anger at taking her place. As he awkwardly deals with the Sororitas raging at him, Saint Celestine rushed back from Ba'al to save him.

===The Lamenters===
21st founding of Marines which is literally 'cursed' i.e they have the worst luck ever to happen to a chapter. Being kicked in the balls by the Minotaurs and power hammered seems to be pretty high on the sucks levels. Even Emps cries for them and he ''literally'' removed his empathy.

===The <s>Imperial Army</s> <s>[[Imperial Guard]]</s> <s>Astra Militarum</s> WALL of GUNS===
The billions upon billions of baseline human, squaddies, grunts, GIs, footsloggers, meat shields, PBI, cannon fodder, rucksack humpers which does the majority of land based warfare. They normally dont grab much of the medias attention as a image of a man sitting in a soggy trench with a torch and cardboard armour whilst super powered beings and aliens march over them isnt that uplifting.
*'''[[Sly Marbo]]''': [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kXU14hkuSI The One-Man Army] and [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCMNWAJiz5Y Hero of the Imperium!], he first appears in the April Fools episode where he was apparently recruited by Horus. Appeared in the real series, saving Little Billy and some farmers from the Kabal of the Flayed Skull in the middle of their raid on a random Agri-World. Later showed up at the invitation of Lucius to the Slaaneshmas Special where he begins beating up Typhus, Ahriman, and Lucius. While the scene turns to static, Lucius and Ahriman later show up on screen again. They commented that he was apparently a pretty great guy. Lucius apparently mixed up his contact info with Kharn's at one point. Later shows up to save Corvus Corax from the Catachan Barking Toad perched on his head. He's stated to be the single most decorated soldier in the entire history of humanity despite only being a Private, and "his aerodynamic musculature and knowledge of Catachan jungle tree buoyancy" help him "simulate flight" (which is apparently interstellar). Confirmed to NOT be a missing Primarch. Exclusively communicates by screaming (and sometimes body gestures, since he bowed slightly to Corax), specifically the one from the Dawn of War I opening cinematic where the sergeant orders the charge up the hill. He also weaponizes the subtitles of the scream by hitting enemies with them both as a ram and as a club.
*'''[[Ollanius Pius]]''': Makes a split-second appearance in [https://youtu.be/0Vh_N8CpcL0?t=900 in Rogal Dorn's flashback] before being headbutted to death by Horus. (''Shame on you if you don't know this super dude, so read his history now!'') In another episode, the Emperor takes the time to set the record straight that while Ollanius did, in fact, sacrifice himself for the Emperor, a Terminator and Custodes quickly followed suit in order to not be shown up by a mere mortal human. He was not amused by their transparent attempt to outshine Ollanius.
*'''[[Ciaphas Cain]]''': Commissar and Hero of the Imperium. He fully understands his entire existence is based on pure luck, lies and cowardice, though unlike his book version whose ability to never seem unnerved or let his lies slip is key to his entire career (and is hardly adverse to its benefits, if not its drawbacks...), here he's humorously morose and loudly gripes about his constant deceptions in private...but finds a kindred spirit in Marneus Calgar to share the pain. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRozBAIbaG4 Has his own merry jingle].
*'''[[Death Korps of Krieg]]''': As of the second voxcast, they can ''finally'' rest assured that the Emperor has personally forgiven them. What the Death Korps will do now that they've officially redeemed themselves remains to be seen, assuming they actually want to do something other than fight and die in battle. ( come on, you know it'll probably take another 2, maybe 3 millennia for the message to reach Krieg, due to, you know, Imperial Bureaucracy )
*'''[[Catachan Jungle Fighters]] (pronounced "Kata-kan")'''(by Straken, confusing everyone): Elaborated on in the first episode of "BRO TRIP 40,000: A Tale of Two Primarchs", being saved from a Slaaneshi Daemon invasion by the intervention of Vulkan and Corvus. Armed primarily only with knives (albeit some of the best knives in the universe due to the special Catachan metals) and basic clothing (shirts optional) in one of the most hazardous places in the universe, their survival and natural Space Marine-like physique provides a massive boost to the morale of the Imperium in a manner known as "marketability". Their culture is similar to that of Orks, measuring knife size to determine rank.
**'''Colonel "Iron Hands" Straken''': Leads the Catachan II regiment and is extremely good at guiding(tongue lashing)his troopers. Sly Marbo is also officially designated to the II regiment.
*'''[[Attilan Rough Riders]]''' Mongolian/Hun/Wide sweeping steppe based cavalry. Very superstitious (they try and kill Vulkan!) and hard to be completely converted by the Ecclesiarchy. As is typical of legendary guard regiments, they are brave and self-sacrificing. They can also pilot aircraft whilst still atop their horses (Some suspect the horses are the real pilots).
**'''Captain Mogul Kamir''': Leads the Attilan regiment who are going with the 'Friendship Force'. Likes drinking from the skulls of his fallen foes (a nod to Pre-Islamic Turk practices).
**'''The King of Khanasan''': Head of the Attilan Rough Riders and fellow skull-goblet enthusiast, to the point of draping his entire outfit in them. Voiced by Alfabusa himself.
**'''Starass''': The sole Astropath of the Attilans, and naturally an actual ass. Apparently, more than adequate enough for the Riders, though her language has no concept of the words "mass planetary destruction."

===Sisters of Battle===
*[[Ephrael Stern]]: The infamous Daemonifuge has finally reached the Black Library, but she's none too pleased with the Eldar's selection of food. [[-4_Str|Treads the path of the swole]]. She tells off Cegorach to his face, causing him to sulk off (incidentally allowing Custodisi and Wamuudes to enter the library). Goes with Magnus to help Eldrad birth Ynead.
*[[Saint Celestine]]: Greatest of the [[Living Saint]]s, always there to protect the Imperium and always reviving if she dies. First appears (in astral projection form) during the Battle at the Gate of Khaine, where she is apparently in on the [[Star Child]]'s plan and spirits away the soul of Dominique, who she describes as having fufuilled his duty to the Emperor. Later appears as the star of the "Salvation Through Annihilation" short, using her holy powers to deep-fry [[Ku'Gath]]. Her jolly mood is soured by the Sororitas present fangirling over her in a disgustingly creepy manner that makes the previously mentioned daemon of Nurgle seem pleasent in comparsion. After warping out, she is instructed by the (oddly drunk-sounding) voice-that-tells-her-to-go-places to head to [[Cadia]]. In the recent Sanguinala special, she was seen rescuing the Blood Angels on their homeworld of Baal, from a attempt by Chaos to end Sanguinala by Be'lakor. The Blood Angels are confused, as the Sanguinor is the one to usually save them. The two had swapped places at his suggestion for her to take a break, resulting in a very uncomfortable situation for the Blood Angels, and...Sanguinor being assaulted by the Sisters of Battle. Refers to the Sanguinor as her ‘stud’ and ‘boy toy’ and thinks of him as a shy sweetheart.
**In a deleted scene from the ''Behemoth'' triology, Celestine would have come down to aid the outnumbered sisters against the Swarmlord... which would have proceeded to kill her [[FAIL|over and over again]] and contribute absolutely nothing. Since the scene was unfunny and made the video way too long, Eliphas cut it out.

===Adeptus Mechanicus===
*'''Reimleiz the Theorist:''' An attendant techpriest whom the Emperor calls "random mechanicus guy". He was originally searching for a motorbike for Rogal Dorn to use, inside Jaghatai Khan's shed. As of the Black Templars podcast, Emps made him an Inquisitor and then commanded him to find out more about the Omega Vault. He was inexplicably on the floor at the time. Is incapable of making any statement without phrasing it as a question and is constantly asking himself trivial questions for no real reason (such as asking if legs are actually vehicles driven by tiny snotlings). Also has a penchant for slapping his cyberdong on toasters, which many mechanicus adepts around the system appear to be visibly fixated upon. As a sidenote he’s basically an avatar for [[https://m.youtube.com/user/remleiz|this YouTube channel]]
*'''Delphan Gruss''': A Magos Explorator (that originally appeared in the 54mm ''Inquisitor'' game) sent to Orior by the [[Adeptus Mechanicus|Admech]] to investigate the presence of an STC. He is very blunt and dismissive when dealing with "fleshbags", and does so while speaking with a German accent. His most remarkable feature, however, is a drill that replaces his right hand, which, predictably, makes him the butt of many [[anime]]-related jokes, much to his dismay.
*'''[[Belisarius Cawl]]''': He hasn't done anything to Gulliman (yet, anyway), but Rogal Dorn apparently did see him talking with Gulliman about something in the past. Apparently, he's not that great at keeping secrets, as there are rumors circulating about him working on [[Primaris Marines|something related to Thunder Warriors]] that even managed to reach the Imperial Palace. The Emperor understandably expects little to come from this (he will be completely surprised), expecting Cawl's work to be hindered by the Mechanicus' usual dogma. Finally shows up in Episode 28, and all of the personalities he's absorbed throughout the millennia talking through him have naturally driven him completely fucking insane.. He acts as the hitman for the Fabricator-General, who blackmails him about not scrapping his Primaris project if he kills the Custodes. Also speaks like the Master from Fallout 1. Lead the ambush against Little Kitten's ragtag team of Custodes. Is a very competent commander, min-maxing his robots to carry twin-linked phosphor blasters to annihilator a majority of the Shield-Host. Due to being responsible for Kitten's death, whether or not Cawl receives divine punishment beyond what even Horus got is yet to be seen but is probably destined to become the Emperor's next teeth fillings.

===The Inquisition===
After the Horus Heresy, a new proactive 'Intelligence' force was created: merge the KGB, Gestapo, CIA, MI6, Mossad with zealous religious belief and unlimited power and hey presto:
*'''Lord [[Inquisitor]] Fyodor <s>Karamazov</s> Krazypantsoff''': Inquisitor of the [[Ordo Hereticus]] and a colossal jerk even among inquisitors. When the Emperor disbanded the Inquisition, he went ballistic and led an entire crusade to Terra to purge what he thinks is heresy. Ended up in the Warp via Magnus for his troubles, after being trolled in a magnificent manner by being told he is a fragment of the Emperor. This was all [[Just As Planned|the Emperor's plan for sending out the message in the first place]], to lure in all the more destructive Inquisitors to get rid of them. He's not out of the game yet, though, and is determined to return to the Emperor. He has become substantially crazier after Leman Russ' Warp Survival lessons. Completely convinced he's the Emperor and seems to regret what a horrible father "he" was more than Emprah himself.
**'''Star-Fyodperor''': After a huge messy battle at Khaine's gate, Karamazov became the host of the Star Child. So basically he ''is'' the Emperor for real now. Apparently, the Star Child needed to possess someone extremely entitled and hypocritical like big E himself. Thanks to Star Child basically doing all the talking, planning, and overall thinking He now represents the kind, fatherly side of the Emperor that is sorely lacking from his throne-bound counterpart, complete with dad jokes. Unfortunately, this leaves the Fyodperor to being easy to deceive, lacking the ability to distrust that comes from millennia of cynicism and hate. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgVuQ_Fbs5g|Has one of the most noblebright awesome themes ever done for anything born from GeeDubs.]
[[Image:Domi.png|thumb|right|''"KILL THEM ALL, KILL THEM ALL!"'']]
*'''Dominique''': Voiced by Gonzo the Great. The techpriest Lexmechanic on Fyodor's Throne of Judgement. He comically makes fun of Fyodor on several occasions and generally breaks the serious atmosphere that the Lord Inquisitor tries to project. He also has a curious predilection for sandpaper cigarettes and a rapacious drug habit. Died inexplicably during the Inquisition's drunken rampage, most likely due to alcohol poisoning. It is never explained why Fyodor tolerated his nonsense for so long, but as Dominique regularly got away with sass sufficient to warrant a summary execution for a planetary governor, let alone a servitor, and Fyodor is not portrayed as being a particularly stable or calm individual, it's clear *something* was in play keeping Dominique employed and alive.
**Turns out he had a fate-bound duty to mold Fyodor into the Star Child's ideal host, an ill-tempered hypocrite with a god complex. He was allowed to see Fyodor one last time in exchange for that service, then got ferried to the afterlife by [[Saint Celestine]] her-holy-fucking-self to the tune of ten thousand fans weeping manly tears. His carcass is still perched on the Throne of Judgment, but most of the meat has rotted away by now. He's currently interred into a white-and-gold sarcophagus created when Fyodor became the Star Child's host.
[[Image:Mall.png|thumb|right]]
*'''Grand Master Elirush''': A Grey Knight Grand Master, who represents the Inquisition's Ordo Malleus. The most level-headed person in the group, who speaks with a smothered accent that Alfa masks as "waffles" (due to his VA being Eliphas, who is Belgian. If it isn't obvious, that's also the basis for his name). He attempted to avenge his fallen brothers who were killed by Kairos during the battle at Khaine's gate, but mistakenly attributed it to Skarbrand (much to the former's dismay). He was killed after inconveniencing Skarbrand, who despises such things.
[[Image:Here.png|thumb|right]]
*'''Inquisitor Adrielle Quist''': One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor whom you'd recognize if you've ever seen them. A Xeno fetishist, evidence suggests she is actually a tsundere for [[Genestealers]], and only dreams of being held in the strong, manly arms of her [[Extra heresy|Broodlord-kun]]. She appears to be the bad cop of the group with a short temper and a rough, Russian accent. She claims that the letter of disbanding inquisition was written by a genestealer cult under the Emperor's name. While stuck in the warp with Fyodor and the rest, she assaults [[Lord of Change]] Kairos Fateweaver after asking if he's a Genestealer, naturally not caring which of his heads answered "Yes". Even mentioning Genestealers in her presence causes her to fly into a berzerker rage. Later, during the Halloween special, she is apparently able to briefly manifest into realspace, similar to Kaldor Draigo, whenever someone mentions anything about Genestalers. She was last seen during the defense of Khaine's gate while intoxicated, where she mistakes Skarbrand for a Genestealer (further angering Skarbrand as he dislikes misinterpretations) and ascended after being killed by him.
[[Image:Xen.png|thumb|right]]
*'''Inquisitor Donklas''': One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor, who represents the Ordo Hereticus. He appears as an Inquisitor dressed in black and using a bolt pistol with a sight mount (which is exactly from the front cover of [[Dark Heresy]]). Don't let his soft-spoken tone fool you - this guy gets aroused at the thought of executing other people regardless of what they've done. He is in favor of the door-kicking-and-burning-building type of [[Exterminatus]], just like a medieval witch hunter. He is possibly the same Inquisitor as the one in the mask (who snickers arousedly at executing friendlies and wonders where the mask came from). He is so far the only Inquisitor who managed to survive the battle at Khaine's gate, mainly due to "enforcing discipline at the back". He is so far the only one of 3 main inquisitors who has survived up to this point.
*'''Inquisitor Javerticus''': An Ordo Hereticus Inquisitor and the most dedicated and charismatic of them all, and also an awesome singer and swordsman. Sadly, the Grey Knights don't seem to comprehend his awesomely dramatic greatness. Named after the [[Lawful Stupid|obsessive]] Inspector Javert (from Victor Hugo's ''Les Misérables'').
*'''[[Jokaero|Torquemada Coteaz]]''': One of the Inquisitors who joined Fyodor's assault into the Imperial Palace. He shows up after Fyodor's forces was blocked off by a force of loyal Ecclesiarchy priests led by Decius in the palace, but breaches their defenses by throwing a barrel of Jokaero at the defenders. This plan causes Fyodor to lose any respect for him, which solicits a disheveled response from Torquemada, [[Awesome|telling him to get off his Throne of Judgement and tell him to his face or use his multi-melta to do what he's too pathetic to]]. Fyodor backs off and lets him leave. So far he appears to be the only sane Inquisitor, snarling at Fyodor to not execute the Emperor for whatever offense he may pull out of his ass. He's also busy with [[The Lord Inquisitor|making a film]], which is why he didn't stay to see Fyodor's plans go to the Warp.
*'''[[Militarum Tempestus|Tempestus Scions]]''' - A hapless squad of Inquisitorial Stormtroopers comprised of Scions: Grant, Valentine, Matilda, Stuart, and led by Tempestor Cromwell. They constantly bicker between each other due to Stuart's pessimism, Matilda's blind optimism, and Grant's panicky disposition, but is constantly held in-line by Tempestor Cromwell. They're seen during the battle at Khaine's Gate, where they're all surprised that they've somehow survived, despite their [[Taurox]] roadblock being destroyed and the Grey Knights being slaughtered.
**Coincidentally ([[Just as Planned|or not]]), they're all named after Allied [[tank]]s from World War II (probably not, what with their thick English accents, and Matilda's preoccupation with "tankyness.").
*'''Inquisitor Headsmash''': Hangs around on a ship in low orbit waiting for heresy to occur. Has a heavily reinforced Exterminatus button which he gets a LOT of use from - as the name implies, he hits it repeatedly using his head. Has the enviable talent of hearing heresy from orbit. He was about to retire after his 40,000th straight Exterminatus, but due to Draigo, he got sent to Commorragh along with his entourage (which includes a Jokaero and his Exterminatus button). Was the only one in the assembly to resist the fyodperor's psychic persuasion.
*'''Ex-Inquisitor Kryptman''': It's a bit weird that this guy is hanging around since all the other Inquisitors hate him, but whatever. Considered too violent and too hypocritical for the Inquisition, as amazing as that achievement is, he is nonetheless really good at his job; claims he's even able to survive against Eldar mind games by seeing through the truth being disguised as a lie, knowing full well that the humans will assume it's a lie while knowing the Eldar are lying about telling the truth about lying. Also carries a pimpin' cane with a gun in it.
*'''Inquisitor Obiwan Sherlock Clousseau''': Yep, he appears in episode 26 part 2! He's from a more [[Warhammer 40,000: Rogue Trader|'jovial' time of early 40K]].

===General Populace of the Imperium ('Plebs')===
*'''Little Billy''': A running gag character in the series. His appearance is a psychic child who made himself a crude power-armor costume using cardboard boxes, with Alfabusa's grey and blue livery for colors. The gag about him is that Billy is constantly subjected to lethal/traumatizing events, yet still survives to appear again, leading to a joke that he is actually a perpetual. So far he's been: run over by a space marine attack bike, kidnapped and thrown into a Dark Eldar slave pit ''twice'', and implied to have been molested by Lucius after contacting him using a psychic link and suddenly appearing before him, then hunted across the cosmos by Lucius during Slaaneshmas, and hammered in the face by a Deathwatch member before almost getting eaten by Tyranids in [https://youtu.be/mabM64rAd4k?t=25m32s Behemoth]. He's also apparently talked to the High Lords at least once, since the Grand Provost Marshal hallucinates him. To date, the only good thing to happen to him is Sly Marbo rescuing him from the Dark Eldar after some internal deb-'''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA'''-ting.
*'''The citizens of Hive World Purgatory''': Originally appearing in Alfa's Upper Hive games, hive world Purgatory appears a few times in the series proper. Its citizens are extremely idiotic and prone to murdering each other over the slightest suspicion. It's also been the victim of a recent Crotch Rot epidemic, and multiple Genestealer invasions.
*'''The Citizens Of The Imperium''': In special episodes where the Emperor answers mail from citizens of the Imperium (most of which is questions asked by watchers of the series), Loyalist humanity plus an odd Xeno or Chaos entity ask questions of him. These are supposed to be sorted by ''Little Kitten'' and later Magnus as well, but quite a few stupid ones get through to the point that without the aid of the cuddly Centurion, the Emperor's frustration causes Warpstorms which obliterate chunks of the universe.
*'''Detective Bruce Norring''': Appears in the Halloween specials. With most of the Inquisition missing, Bruce is put on the case of chasing down shady heretics on hive world Purgatory, [[Lovecraft|Innsmouth-style]], before unwittingly uncovering a Genestealer cult and nearly made into a genehost - only to get saved by a completely sloshed Inquisitor Quist from the warp.
*'''Hobo Guardsman''': also known as "Hobo-chan." Like Billy, he exists to be traumatized by the grim darkness of the universe. First he becomes an unwilling recipient of Lucius' charity efforts, that being a sandwich made from ''"freshly milked [[daemonette]] [[trap|milk]]"'', then later he gets harassed by the [[Adeptus Arbites]] for adding rat meat to his rations to make them more edible. Fed up with the bullshit, he decides to join Chaos, getting warped away before his planet is destroyed by Exterminatus. He was later seen smashed by Lucius during the Slaaneshmas Special, and then spotted in the Webway with the Ultramarines, and later again spotted in the Imperial Dungeons with the Shadowkeepers; and, on top of fucking that, was seen near the end of Part 1 of Hateful Feud running away as Karamazov was becoming Fyodper. Last seen in the Throne Room, running away as Magnus threw a temper tantrum after being trolled by the Provost Marshal for not reading the rules of Fantasy Roleplay.
*'''Tour Guide''': A guy who gives tours of the Imperial Palace. He gets summoned(dragged) into the throne room and abruptly told by the Emperor to read the names of a bunch of Dark Eldar weapons without any given reason, which he does without hesitation. He may read other lists later. He appears to be some sort of psyker as he could sense Magnus' return before he teleported into the throne room. He is able to bitch-slap Wamuudes to the floor without even looking. Poor guy is also losing his sanity due to all the batshit craziness happening around him. Recently debated with the Emperor himself over whether or not he was capable of feeling sorrow towards his subjects and sons were they to die to which Big E replies in a fittingly lucid way. However the Emperor is proven wrong as to his assumption he'd be indifferent at the death of a subject as he falls into such despair at the Good Golden Banana's death he almost splits Terra in half with the only thing stopping him being Rogal Dorn in his trusty Centurion suit.

===Eldar===
After the Eldar Collapse, these Eldar decided that unlimited Lust and Violence wasn't a positive influence to their souls and thus became elfy space-monks, all calm and serene until they decide to fight then its elfy warrior-monks!.
*'''[[Eldrad]] Ulthran:''' Eldar Farseer of Craftworld Ulthwé who is one of the biggest dicks in the Galaxy. Is preparing to do pretty much exactly what he ends up doing in Gathering Storm. Tried to convince Asdrubael Vect to distract the Imperium while he attempts to awaken [[Ynnead]], but to no avail. Apparently, he's already contacted Cypher at least once before and seeks to do the same with "the Machine-man from Mars" (most likely Cawl). Magnus and custodisi have been sent to assist them.
*'''[[Cegorach]]''': The Laughing God, shown guarding the Black Library. He encounters Ahriman trying to enter and forcefully boots him out after a bit of trolling. Cegorach has his own spectral audience that laughs at his jokes, and even a voice that adds '''[BAZINGA.]''' to his punchlines. He is plotting the demise of the [[Flesh Eaters]] for saying his Harlequins are in poor taste. In both meanings of the word. Recently he challenged Magnus to a comedy battle where he made use of horribly outdated memes to win laughs from the Harlequin audience including a Skyrim reference of all things. Had to call it a tie though since Magnus was committing verbal suicide through self-deprecation humor. Also has one of the most badass theme songs in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzWsLaolyLw&ab_channel=StringStorm%E2%80%8C existence] .
*'''[[Isha]]''': Despite being a kidnapping victim initially, Isha is now (due to Stockholm Syndrome) in a “loving” relationship with Nurgle. She Thinks Tzeentch is annoying and hates Slaanesh, mocking the former and encouraging Nurgle to plague the latter, Preferably with something that doesn’t kill her but shuts off her senses.
*'''[[Khaine]]''': Disappointed and annoyed by all the young Gods around him, sounds like an old man beat-down by life. He mostly hangs out in the warp chat and goes to the gym with Khorne.

===Dark Eldar===
The true descendants after the collapse of the Eldar Empire. There are A LOT of Dark Eldar living in their webway city of Commorragh and with access to a ton of lethal weaponry, its impractical to invade their realm without leaving yourself open to other forces’ attacks.
*'''[[Asdrubael Vect]]:''' Dark Eldar leader who is another one of the biggest dicks in the Galaxy. Is completely disinterested if not mildly amused/irritated with Eldrad's plans and his insistence on dragging him in; believing both Eldrad's visions and Ynnead to be utter nonsense unworthy of his time after 10,000 years worth of pessimistic doomsaying. He appears to have plans of his own that seem to involve Leman Russ, Karamazov, and/or Kaldor Draigo, who emerge from the Gate of Khaine just as he finishes his conversation with Eldrad. As it turns out, it involved shocking the Star-Fyodperor (which he was able to deduct almost immediately) with a surprise betrayal that the emotions that emanate almost supercharge Vect and Rakarth. Has a habit of setting up violent, hedonistic parties before gassing all the guests (including all rivals) after he leaves early.
*'''[[Lady Malys]]:''' Vect's bitter ex (don't say that to her face, though) who wants to take over Commorragh because "Vect's a prick." Seems to have been taken over by Cegorach, which is not surprising given real lore had her conduct heart transplant surgery on herself with Cegorach's crystal heart. Also French. [[Magical Realm|Sexily]] so.
*'''[[Archon Tahril]]:''' An Archon who originally appeared in ''[[Dawn of War]]: Soulstorm'' as the leader of the Black Heart Cabal in Kaurava and Vect's former subordinate after the whole raid ended in a failure. He is reluctantly under Malys' employment and passive-aggressively lets her know whenever he has to talk to her. He deals with her personality quirks reluctantly. Is also secretly an agent of the C'tan known as the Deceiver.
*'''[[Urien Rakarth]]:''' The personification of torture, currently under Vect's employ. It's revealed that it was he who visited the Golden Throne that one time, which makes Dorn panic and attempt to re-install the entire palace.

===Adversaries===
*'''[[Abaddon the Despoiler]]''': Has yet to personally appear in the series, but has so far has been contacting various Chaos Champions [[Black Crusade|to attend to their 14th annual party]]. He will ALSO be voiced by the aforementioned Takahata101 (Nappa and [[Hellsing|'''THE CRIMSON FUCKER''']]) of Team Four Star fame.
*'''[[Fulgrim]]''': Has yet to personally appear in the series, but appears to have already joined Abaddon in his plans. He makes his appearance as the person who called Lucius to get him to join Abaddon. Based on the [[Vulkan|current]] [[Corvus Corax|trend]], it wouldn’t be too surprising if he, too, can see Ferrus Manus’s ghost, especially considering he was the one who ''killed him'' and all that.
*'''The Gods of [[Chaos|<s>Chaos</s> <s>Choas</s> <s>Chaos</s> <s>Choas</s> <s>Chaos</s> <s>Choas</s> chaos]]''': The gods here are less chaotic than their canon counterparts. More-or-less they just sit around and talk to each other, the way they did prior to the Emperor showing up and making plans to wreck their collective shit.
**[[Tzeentch]] is a petty schoolyard bully/prankster who also likes to engage in pointlessly overthought pseudo-philosophy. He also plays Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth-Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker, shamelessly abusing an [[Yu-Gi-Oh#Archetype|Empty Jar]] deck made [[WAAC|ALMOST ENTIRELY FROM BANNED CARDS]]. So far, he is the most prominently featured of the Chaos Gods. Tzeentch lurks behind the Gate of Morkai, fucking with the aspirants sent through by Space Wolves priests; if they're to be believed, he's done something involving "wolf tits" at least once, and [[Wat|Emprah only knows how we're supposed to interpret that]]. Despite his behavior he does genuinely care for his son, Magnus.
**[[Slaanesh]] is a hyperactive masochistic camwhore who steals from Khorne and trolls him and others with sexual innuendos. Nobody likes it because it ruins everything.
**[[Khorne]] is the only half-way normal Chaos God (if that term could ever be applied to the Gods), who is often heard screaming at Slaanesh for being a creepy whore. Has a fairly good relationship with Khaine, though, and they work out together at the gym - he never skips leg day, unlike the Emperor. Ironically, despite being the most prominently featured Chaos God in canon, he's made far fewer on-screen appearances than the other Gods.
**[[Nurgle]] is the only one actually doing any scheming. Has a voice that's really hard to understand without subtitles, Probably because of all of the diseases he’s infected with, and is more focused on his waifu Isha than actually doing anything. When he's upset, he known to release extremely potent [[Wikipedia:Tinea cruris|Crotch]] [[Wikipedia:Candidal intertrigo|Rot]] on Hive-Worlds, which is as nasty as it sounds.The emperor was on the receiving end of said crotch rot, as well as an eternally itchy nose, despite not having one.
**[[Malal]] makes several short appearances, conversing with the various gods on Spacebook where he declares he will ruin everyone once he becomes canon again by escaping the "Retconnian" (a dimension where the Squats, Horus' soul, Sanguinnius’ soul and other things that don't exist anymore are banished to) and a second time is shown to exist in a pocket outside canon where he is able to influence things that are canon in subtle ways using the [[Dark Heresy|"Tyrant Star", a wandering sun that gives off black light and incites anarchy, chaos, and mutation on whatever planet it shines on]]. It appears that his obsession to become canon is a harmful one, as Horus and a Squat talk him down from his attempts and console him when he breaks down crying about his futile attempts.
**The [[Great Horned Rat]] appears as a joke to cancel Slaaneshmas forever due to Slaanesh getting demoted in Age of Sigmar and announces "Great Horned Rat Day" as its replacement. Enjoys mocking "non-existent" lesser Chaos Gods and seems to be incapable of not breaking the fourth wall. Coughs near-constantly.
**[[Necoho]]?: Never been seen and hasn't been named, but Magnus has mentioned the existence of a chaos god of unbelief who was created by Emperor's attempts to wipe out all religion. If not for the Horus Heresy, Emperor would have become its champion or avatar. Since atheism is so rare in the galaxy now, it most likely is dead or too weak to be relevant.
*'''[[Lucius the Eternal]]''': Slaanesh's premier champion, who sounds like what would happen if Mickey Mouse turned to Slaanesh and became a drag queen in the process (his first appearance is a direct reference to [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYQCYA7rvXk this]). First shown fucking up some Imperial Guardsmen (in all senses of the word) with his warband, laughing like a maniac all the while. He then got a call from Fulgrim, inviting him and his band to join one of Abaddon's [[Black Crusade|"huge parties"]], which he accepted. His absolutely creepy portrayal in the series is quickly becoming one of the scariest (and most enjoyable) things in the franchise, sorta an impressive achievement. Runs a prank show in his spare time, and posts the results to Spacebook (it is unknown If piccolo has seen said results). Also planned the 'Slaaneshmas' holiday event, which is broadcast to the whole universe to spread goodwill to humans and overall death to xeno species. Lucius makes a great holo vid host.
*'''[[Ahzek Ahriman]]''': Most powerful sorcerer of the [[Thousand Sons]]. Appears in a short scene where he finally gets access to the [[Black Library]], only to be dicked with, and eventually booted out by [[Cegorach]]. Decided to quit trying to get into the Black Library for a while and take a break, but decided against the latter after being summoned by Abaddon for the Black Crusade. Teamed up with Lucius for Slaaneshmas for the shits and giggles. So far appears to the only rational Chaos Space Marine, acting as a snarky straight man to the antics of the others. On a side-note, he [[Old Man Henderson|huffs grimoires of Big Bad Jujus]], which impresses Lucius. He apparently wants to murder the stars as he finds them too bright for his taste. At the end, he gives a speech about how despite the different worldviews, both sides are still humans and offers the Imperium to have one day per year when instead of killing each other, both sides would have a ceasefire and unite to exterminate aliens instead. Imperials were oddly receptive to that idea...
*'''[[Typhus]]''': Chaos Lord of the [[Death Guard]]. Has the voice of Gilbert Gottfried, with a Strong resemblance to the voice of Real life Comedian Norm McDonald, or Gilbert Gottfried, which he uses to read [[Squad Broken|erotic fanfiction]] for Lucius. Like the other chaos champions, he's been summoned by Abaddon for the Black Crusade. Later shows up to the Slaaneshmas Special to talk about his latest book, which is just his own shit smeared on every page.
*'''[[Kharn|Khârn the Betrayer]]''': The most infamous Khornate Berserker in the World Eaters. He has yet to appear directly in the show; Lucius invited him by Vox to the Slaaneshmas special but only received angry grunts in reply, leading Lucius to believe Angron picked up instead. Apparently, Lucius also mixed up his contact info with Sly Marbo at one point.
*'''[[Huron Blackheart]]''': We cannot confirm his appearance in the series proper, but it appears that he is with [[Abaddon]] in the Season 3 intro, perhaps pointing to an alliance of sorts. Why in the all the names of Chaos he is there, only Alfa (or maybe his voice actor) know.
*'''[[Fabius Bile|<strike>Fabius</strike> <strike>FABULOUS Bile</strike> Bob]]''': Joins in on Lucius' and Ahriman's Slaaneshmas special to announce that he's starting a solo Black Crusade to show up that man-baby Abbadon. Is triggered very seriously if called Bob. He's clearly insane, insisting that a solo Black Crusade means doing things on his own, which even Lucius thought was crazy, not helped by Bile following up by boasting he can clone anyone. He showed off an abomination of a clone of Ahriman (which psychically self-destructed) during the Slaaneshmas Special. Naturally, Ahriman was horrified and disgusted and even Lucius was disturbed.
*'''[[Miriael Sabathiel]]''': The infamous Chaos Sororita shows up, only to get dismissed everywhere she goes and not be taken seriously. Upon learning it was Slaaneshmas, she dons a Santa hat and joins the fun. Earlier, she was in a bad mood for being talked down by a captured Inquisitor (before she beheaded him in frustration), lamented the lost opportunity to torment him, and was enraged at some Noise Marines' amusement at her situation.
*'''The [[Tyranid]] Hivemind''': Attempted to hijack the Chaos Gods' warpchat, but was kicked after too many synapses attempted connections. The Emperor claims that talking to the Tyranid Hivemind is like talking to a herd of hungry sheep. Everyone in the Warp is trying to get rid of it because it’s annoying to them. It also sent a psychic message to Inquisitor Kryptman showing him its face… Or rather mouth.
*'''[[The Masque]]''': A Slaaneshi Daemonette. First appears in BRO TRIP 40,000: A Tale of Two Primarchs while attacking Catachan, apparently because an ample muscle harvest (shaped into Slaanesh's symbol) would please Slaanesh enough to end her (yes, a canon her) eternal damnation to unending dancing. After Corvus Corax batmans her she flees, due to their artificial muscles being displeasing to Slaanesh and fighting them not being worth potential banishment back to the Warp. Her motives lead her and an army of Daemonettes to the battle for the Gate of Khaine, where she implies some familiarity with Kaldor Drago before trying to bring him down, only to fail spectacularly.
*'''[[Skarbrand]]''': A "renegade" Khornate Bloodthirster; Khorne officially disowned him after he attempted to kill the Chaos God with a strike to the back, but still recognizes his talents. Skarbrand appears in the Warp Hijinks special as a victim of a ding-dong-ditch prank by Leman Russ and Fyodor. He refers to himself exclusively in the third person and, being a Bloodthirster, [[RAGE|hates literally everything]] (it didn't help that all emotions besides anger were throttled out of him by Khorne); when faced with the prospect being outside or inside after being pranked, he actually remains in the doorframe, which he hates '''''slightly''''' less. He later joins the Chaos Undivided daemon horde that assaulted Khaine's gate as it was being opened by the Inquisition's forces, where he further espouses his hatred against everything. Such as named characters, some of whom he fucking murders. Extremely open and vocal about his feelings, funnily enough. {{BLAM|SKARBRAND '''HATES''' MISCONCEPTIONS!}}
*'''[[Kairos Fateweaver]]''': A Tzeentchian Lord of Change. He still has two heads and the second, mottled one will constantly contradict the 'dominant' head while speaking (which Kairos neither seems to address nor notice). First appears during Russ and crew's rampage throughout the Warp, where he tries his usual "Knights and Knaves" shtick on Inquisitor Adrielle Quist - but since she's drunk, not listening and mistakes him for a Genestealer, he gets one of his faces fucked up for his troubles, and holds an eternal grudge against her due to that. Kairos reappears during the battle at Khaine's Gate, where he tries his damnedest to get even with Quist, but had to "settle" for destroying most of the Grey Knights, but his work was mistakenly attributed to Skarbrand, much to his eternal dismay. Funnily enough, he does more damage to Skarbrand than any of the Imperials completely by accident: Kairos' psyker powers hit Skarbrand while he fought Inquisitor Quist, his grudge briefly turning him into a [[Kharn|team-killing fucktard.]] Despite this, considering the rules Kairos follows (in official lore, his heads randomly switch which one lies and which one tells the truth, but one lying means the other must be truthful), that he can tell the future, and that the normally truthful head said "I will have my revenge" (which he didn't) while the normally lying head claimed to love Skarbrand... Kairos actually really does love Skarbrand.
*'''[[Epidemius]]''': A Nurglite Plaguebearer. Fitting for a daemon of Nurgle, he's incredibly polite even under duress, and cares significantly about the loss of his fellow daemons. First appears during Russ and crew's rampage throughout the Warp, where he was pelted into submission with hundreds of bars of soap and a bathtub. He later appears during the battle at Khaine's Gate with a retinue of [[Plaguebearers]], and was enraged when one of them was killed by the Deathwatch. He later commanded a charge against them that ended with most of the Deathwatch being slaughtered, while Wilford and Calato, the only survivors were forced to retreat.
*'''The [[C'tan]]''': The Necron's star gods seem to be wedging their way back into current affairs after being turned into [[Pokemon]] by their servants. Of all of them, only The Deceiver has made an appearance so far, the rest being confined to the paper puppet flashbacks (except when Decius brought up The Nightbringer when he was convincing the Ecclesiarchy that [[The Emperor|Easy-E]] isn't a god).
**[[The Deceiver]], when not playing Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker with the Emperor and pals, seems to be [[Just As Planned|pulling strings]] all around the Materium. Has a special interest in stopping Kaldor Draigo from returning to realspace. Presumably, because he would become the avatar of Matt Ward, the <strike>[[Malal|Fifth]]</strike> Sixth god of Choas, and bring utter ruination to the material realm before the C'tan can bring utter ruination to the material realm. Also, it turns out the Deceiver created the Tyranids.
*'''Clancy''': The traitor menial of an Imperial Cruiser who wants to kill a Primarch, and is obnoxiously polite and civil about the entire affair. His plans fail when Vulkan, Corax and all the other ~~important~~ characters survive the shipwreck he engineered and capture him; his backup plan (Exterminatus via some "pals" dropping a Virus bomb on Attila from orbit) ends up similarly falling short, though he does escape captivity. He later returns as a high-ranking Boardmember of Jopall's government, and through pulling some strings and making a contract that Corvus signs, entraps the party on the planet through debt. Makes his escape shortly before Corvus bursts in the room leading an army of rebelling Guardsmen.

=== Others ===

*'''[[Horus|FUCKING HORUS]]''': Appears in the April Fool's episode, where he breaks into the Emperor's throne room and incapacitates him. The Emperor declares Horus can't win because he's all alone, but says he isn't as he gathered allies while he was clawing his way out of The Warp, all of whom are some of the dead/retconned/obscure characters in the fluff: [[The Beast]] (an Ork who waged one of the most successful WAAAGH!s in human history), [[Goge Vandire]] (the man responsible for the worst chapter in Imperial history after the Horus Heresy), [[Sindri Myr]], the Megarachnids (a footnote insectoid race in the fluff, who were hunted to extinction by the Astartes in the Great Crusade), the [[Squats]] (we all ''know'' who they are), [[Herman von Strab]] (one of the most inept commanders the Imperium has ever seen, who met his end in the 3rd War of Armageddon), the [[Old Ones]], the Techno-Barbarians of olden Terra, 3ED [[Carnifex|Old One Eye]] and [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kXU14hkuSI SLY MARBOOO!] (*cue explosions*) He subsequently declares himself as the new Emperor. Later appeared for real in the second Q&A in the "Retconnian" with Malal and the Squats, and calms Malal's tantrum like a parent consoling a child.
*'''[[Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka]]''': Currently beating up the Overfiend of Octarius, as in official lore. It's still unknown where Ghazzy's gonna fit into things, though it will likely be to assemble all Orks into a single Great WAAAGH!! Also seems to love making bad jokes.
[[Image:Cyph.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Cypher]]''': He has a very vague, mysterious plot involving the planet Orior and its STCs. This seems to take place not long after the [[Fallen_Angels#Ophidium Gulf Crusade Incident|Ophidium Gulf Crusade Incident]], as the Dark Angels managed to locate him by tracking his ship. He also seems to be skilled at disguise, as he manages to just waltz right into the Thunderhawk behind Azrael without any further comment. He's on his way towards Mars with the Dark Angels. Sicced the Dark Angels on The Fabricator General for a prank video
*'''[[Gork]] and [[Mork]] (or was it Mork and Gork?)''': The two Ork gods. They're a couple of dumbfucks who argue with each other in other people's conversations on Spacebook, with Gork not actually knowing he's using the Interwarp and trying to figure out how to use it while already on it.

[[Image:Text Marines.jpg|thumb|right]]
[[Image:Eliphas.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Felinids]]''': [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUuvHPr4BGk The ultimate let-down.] Possible inspiration for the news Cats film.
*'''[[Necron]]s''': They appear initially in a mini-episode by Karl. Necrons all speak with low-quality Text to Speech devices, except for the Lords who can afford higher quality devices. (Wait, does this mean the Emperor's communicator is technically Xenotech?) Shennanigans ensue when an unnamed Necron Lord discovers that his lowly minions can't pronounce certain things, so now all necrons make roflcopter sounds as their war cries. '''SOI SOI MOTHERFUCKER'''
*'''[[Stormcast Eternals|Ground Marines]]''': Introduced as a short spoof episode after the release of [[Age of Sigmar]], a group of Ultramarines determined to bring their superior selves to the service of [[Sigmar|"other Emperors"]] enter a portal and come out transformed as Stormcast Eternals, their appearance crushing a small group of [[The Empire (Warhammer Fantasy)|Empire]] Flagellants. Text then appeared expressing condolences for [[Warhammer Fantasy]] fans. Although non-canon, it's a jab at Games Workshop's need to crowbar Space Marines everywhere ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-MzNpMD1K8 as the Stormcast Eternals largely resemble the Space Marines]. Heck, their posterboy group even takes after [[Ultramarines|The Greatest Of Them All]] with the blue, white, and gold color scheme).
*'''[[Eliphas The Inheritor]]''': Makes a cameo in the second Q&A episode having sent a letter to the Emperor saying "Dear Corpse Emperor, Furk You." The episode then cuts to him laughing manically thinking he's so clever before the Emperor psychically punches him, promptly shutting him up.

*'''Ahriman 2.0''': [[Fabius Bile]]'s horribly disfigured clone of Ahzek Ahriman which he unveiled in the Slaaneshmas special, much to Lucius and the original Ahriman's horror. Fabius claimed it was a "work-in-progress", something which caused the clone to become so enraged that it psychically self-destructed moments after.
*'''The [[Angry Marines]]''': ''Might'' exist in the TTS-verse, but nobody knows for sure. "Angry Marines" was a popular answer in a poll on which loyalist chapter best embodies the concept of hatred, but nobody in the Imperial Palace knows who this might be referring to, and it was speculated that it may simply be a nickname. Either way, they were beaten by several other chapters, most notably the Black Templars and the [[Marines Malevolent]].
*'''[[Hassan]]''': First appeared in the Chaos Descends series attempting to sell camels to two of the main characters in the middle of nowhere, eventually convincing them to put up flyers for his business as a form of payment. He later appears in the main series, apparently having sold camels to the Ultramarines at some point.

*'''Voldorius''': An unfortunate Daemon Prince which got the attention of the Pillarstodes after reading about him in one of the books they got from the Black Library. They along with the Emperor and Rogal Dorn publicly mock him for being completely ineffective and incompetent to the point of having to rely on his subordinates to do everything for him.
*'''Uriah Olathaire:''' Yes, its the old man that the Emprah had a theological debate during [[The Last Church]]. His soul was summoned from The Warp by The Emperor, who was horrified that he turned into a Chaos worshiper. Ironically he is perfectly sane despite following Chaos. Unlike their first encounter, this time he actually IS a theologian and can shut down the Emperor's rather sophomoric arguments easily. He worships Chaos Undivided and paints them in a more neutral, legitimately non-malevolent light, highlighting how humanity needs Chaos to stay human and how Chaos needs humanity to continue to exist, making it a mutually-beneficial relationship. He originally wanted to justify the existence of Chaos, but due to the Emprah being a dick; he got fed up and instead started calling him on the hypocrisy of his Imperium and his ideals, such as his constant use of religious iconography and terms (despite wanting a secular empire), essentially doing the same thing old terran religions did to propagate their influence (although with a higher death count), among other things. He was eventually banished back into The Warp after dissing the holiness of the taco.
*'''Alfa Legion:''' Some of the creator's 40k self-inserts into 40K appear in Episode 10 after Emps makes an oddly specific remark about how "THERE COULD EVEN BE CHAPTERS CONSORTING AND ACCEPTING BOTH XENOS AND CHAOS WORSHIPPERS INTO THEIR RANKS. MAYBE EVEN CHAPTERS SO FUCKING RECLUSIVE AND HISTORICALLY INEPT THAT THEIR MERE EXISTENCE SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A DISGUSTINGLY HORRIBLE AND SHITTY FANFICTION." Taking the main TTS reaction thread into consideration, '''EMPS WAS ONE OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''' Currently have their souls contained in a box owned by Magnus, while [[Indrick Boreale|Boreale]] and [[Apollo Diomedes|Diomedes]] have become Magnus' idiot pets.
*'''Asterion Moloc:''' [[Minotaurs]] Chapter Master who appears briefly towards the end of the Slaaneshmas special, pwning a Tau with a Chaos Terminator.

==The Order of The Primarchs' Returns==
During the season 3 intro, the silhouettes the miniatures of all the primarchs seems to appear in the order they will first enter the show, as the order roughly corresponds with their actual in-series appearances so far, though this may just be the order of their apearances, not the order in which they return...

* [[Rogal Dorn]] - Around since the beginning of the series, although we don't find out it's Dorn until Episode 20.
* [[Magnus]] - Pops up in Episode 13 after being captured by the Ultrasmurfs.
* [[Vulkan]] - Returns after Cato Sicarius delivers the remaining Lost Artifacts of Vulkan in Episode 20.
* [[Leman Russ]] - Appears in the Warp in Episode 21, after Magnus banished the Inquisitors there in Episode 18.
* [[Corvus Corax]] - Can be heard attempting to get out of a building on Nocturne at the End of Episode 21, and appears in person during Episode 25.
* [[Ferrus Manus]]- Appears as a <s>'brainghost'</s> SKHOST in Vulkan's head when Vulkan returns at the beginning of Episode 20. Vulkan claims in the Bro Trip spinoff that he isn't the real Ferrus.
* [[Lion El'Jonson]] - Not yet featured, but Rogal Dorn might know where he is. Then again, maybe not. This IS The Lion we're talking about after all. Taking current events into consideration, he maybe awakening soon.
* [[Jaghatai Khan]] - Talked about extensively in Episode 24 and the White Scar podcast. The Ultramarines are on the rescue! Appears on a bike in Commorragh in Episode 29.
* [[Angron]] - Hasn't appeared in person, though Lucius mentions he and Kharn may be out on business.
* [[Perturabo]] - Hasn't appeared in person, but was prominently featured in a flashback in Episode 24.
* [[Lorgar]] - given a roasting in Episode 2, but nothing of note since then.
* [[Mortarion]] - A couple of jokes have been made at his expense, but he has yet to appear except in a brief flashback where he fell down the stairs.
* [[Fulgrim]] - Hasn't appeared in person, although he did contact Lucius the Eternal to inform him about Abbadon's 13th Black Crusade.
* [[Alpharius]] & [[Omegon]] - Emps refers to them as if they are one person.
* [[Konrad Curze]] - A few mentions, but it is safe to assume Konrad may not reappear in the current era. Emps briefly flashes back to a decision Konrad made that unwittingly starts off the whole Inquisition tyranny; a small portion of his appearance is seen during this flashback.
* [[Roboute Guilliman]] - No appearances, although occasionally referred to in the form of The Emperor demanding his life support being cut off. Hilarious in hindsight, given the events of Gathering Storm.
* [[Sanguinius]] - appeared in vision form during the Flesh Eater short and was spoken of at the end of the second Q&A, Episode 18.5 (may or may not consider the Sanguinor appearing as his first appearance)
* [[Horus]] - No appearances in the main series, although he has been seen in the April Fools and the second Q&A.
* The two missing Primarchs are asked about once but the emperor simply states "We don't talk about those guys"

==Main Theme Lyrics==
'''WE ARE THE GODS OF THE NEW WORLD ORDER.'''

'''WE ARE THE SOLDIERS, THE LEGION OF LIGHT.'''

'''WE ARE THE CENTER, THE DEATH OF THE SUN (SON).'''

'''FIRE AND FLAME.'''

'''WE ARE ONE.'''

(excerpt credit: Triarii - We Are One)

==Trivia==
* The Emperor's motivation for creating the Human Webway was obtaining [[Love Can Bloom|Eldar prostitutes]], and was afraid the Primarchs would [[Penitent Engine|tie him up]] [[Inquisition|if they heard about it]]. The other benefits were an afterthought.
* The Emperor's nose is plagued by a phantom-itch, courtesy of Nurgle. Tzeentch <s>believes</s> Believed the frustration will cause him to explode, destroying humanity and causing him to become a new Chaos God. He has since realize that the emperor is resigned to this. And as back up gave magnus the suggestion seen below.
* The Emperor firmly believes in Taco Friday, whereas Dorn believes in Taco Tuesday. This disagreement causes a minor civil war (A.K.A. the TTS-Version of the Dornian Heresy). Magnus ups the ante by believing that [[Warp|Taco ''Tuesday'' should be on ''Friday'']].
* The Emperor (officially) did not create any [[Female Space Marines]] because "girls are yucky." It is implied the real reason he didn’t is because Slaanesh ruined the idea.
* The Emperor's left eye was accidentally poked out by Rogal Dorn's iron halo while attaching him to the Golden Throne. However, in older depictions of the Emperor's duel with Horus, it was one of the wounds inflicted upon him (he also broke many bones, burned the Emperor's hair, poisoned him, etc.).
* Some of the Emperor's previous personas included Moses, Michael Jackson, Robert Downey Jr., and [[Chris-Chan]]. All these, especially the latter shows just how much of a troll Big E is.
* The Emperor's shattered psyche can access knowledge of the 4th wall. This is not always available.
* The Emperor approves of the Tau in theory, although in practice only those willing to engage in melee. So basically just the [[Farsight|Farsight Enclaves]].
* In fact, the Emperor is fine with tolerating any xenos that aren't a threat to mankind. Absolute eradication is unnecessary if regulation suffices.
* Despite his intentions for the Imperial Truth involving suffocating the Chaos Gods, the Emperor's attempts at atheism were in fact making [[Necoho|an actual god of disbelief]]... according to Magnus.
* The Emperor can shape the [[Astronomicon]] so that he can flip the bird to the rest of the galaxy.
* Has a known hobby: Plays a children's card game (Yu-Gi-Oh) with a clearly cheesy, overpowered and unfair deck... that, like most [[cheese]], was destroyed as soon as it came across a hard counter. [[Horus Heresy|Apparently Emprah still hasn't learnt the lesson about why using OP stuff is a very bad idea.]] It later turns out that Tzeentch is the only person he can play with. Tzeentch's deck is similarly cheesy, but relies more on combos. Both of them also make heavy use of banned cards and have a rather... loose grasp on the actual rules.
* The Emperor has called for a second Council of Nikea. This one has nothing to do with Magnus; ironically, it's centered on the Space ''Corgis'', and the fact that the [[wikipedia:Woodland Critter Christmas|friendly woodland critters]] of Fenris that the Wolves commune with are actually daemons. We've yet to see Magnus' and Leman Russ' reaction to the news, but it's guaranteed to be hilarious.
* He has also ordered [[Logan Grimnar]] to deliver presents to all the good little boys and girls in the Imperium on Sanguinala.
* While he has a number of colorful insults for his subordinates, including the primarchs, he also has pet names for his sons, such as "my little Magnymagic", "RogalyDonDon", and "my Fabulous Fucking Hawk-Boy".
* The First Founding was originally named the [[Only Founding]], and was renamed after [[Codex Astartes|Guilliman's fuck up]].
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RuE2waTrXKk The Emperor disapproves of the saying "Life is the Emperor's currency"].
* The Emperor's flaming sword sounds like a squeaky toy hammer (at least when he bashed Tzeentch's faces in).
* Magnus identifies with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
* The Emperor believes gold is the greatest color of them all, and that all other colors are equally inferior.
** He likely doesn't consider Platinum to be a true color in that case.
* There is a chance that the popularity of TTS has influenced Warhammer Gaming as a whole. Every big Warhammer game that has come out since TTS has had cutscenes somewhat similar to those of the series, and actual canon for 40k has progressed in a generally similar direction. Some have accused Games Workshop of copying what they like from it, while others say the series inspired GW writers to get off their asses and make something actually new.
** [[Aaron Dembski-Bowden]] is [https://www.reddit.com/r/Warhammer/comments/7igatt/im_aaron_dembskibowden_ask_me_anything/dqykv2l/ confirmed to be "a big fan" of TTS], actually. Ironically, he started watching it after people drew comparisons between Master of Mankind and the series.
** Furthering the influence, Alfa made an entire episode of the TTS cast playing [[Stellaris]] at the behest of that game's devs. It is about as disastrous as expected.
* Reading the book ''Inquisitor'' by [[Ian Watson]] causes disgust and trauma to several of the characters present, in no small part due to [[Jaq Draco]] constantly lusting after his [[Callidus]] assassin disguised as a [[genestealer]], as well as the overly long description of the Slaaneshi planet in the Eye of Terror. Even Boy has horrifying visions in his missing eye after what he's experienced. Karstodes, on the other hand, seems to have confused it with ''[[Harry Potter]] and the Philosopher's Stone'' in a bout of impressive illiteracy, while Magnus seems to consider it so bad it's good, even if only to riff off several of the excerpts and provide a contrast to the less-than-enthusiastic approach of the others present.
** Additionally, there are apparently in-universe surviving records of fucking [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stanley_Kubrick Stanley Kubrick] briefly considering adapting Draco as his next movie. This is based on the movie ''A.I. Artificial Intelligence'' coming about partly because of a 90-page treatment written by [[Ian Watson]] under Kubrick's supervision, a fact brought up several times throughout the podcast, along with [http://www.visual-memory.co.uk/amk/doc/0094.html Kubrick seriously considering Inquisition for his next movie]. Interestingly, this makes Kubrick one of the oldest known historical figures in the TTS-verse, although his name has been corrupted over the millennia.
* Ever wondered what Big E and the Primarchs would do if they saw this hilariously bizarre version of their future? Someone named Preator98 on Space Battles does. Hence the 40k fanfiction based on the 40k fanfiction known as [https://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/if-the-emperor-watched-the-text-to-speech-device.408752/ If the Emperor watched the Text To Speech Device] was born! Follow the threadmarks to read the whole thing, and go to the [https://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/if-the-emperor-watched-tts-extras-thread.508247/ Extras Thread] to read more Primach/Emperor reactions to other fanfics such as the [[Alternate Heresy|Roboutian Heresy]].

==Gallery==
===Quotes and snippets===
<gallery>
Image:Text To Heresy.png| If [[/d/]] still existed in 40k you can bet the Emperor would purge it.
Image:NotCanonShout.gif| What happens whenever someone mentions Shadowsun around Kitten.
Image:EmperorSureal.gif| Emp's reaction to most things that have happened to the Imperium.
Image:EmperorDisgraceful.gif| Likewise.
Image:EmperorPunchesTzeentch.gif| The Emperor taking out his frustration on a certain [[Tzeentch|indecisive mollusk]].
Image:MagnusRant.gif| Magnus is not a fan of the Imperium's general intelligence levels.
Image:DeciusHatBoner.gif| What passes for "Religious Ecstasy" in the Ecclesiarchy.
Image:UltraFucknCrying.gif| Calgar's disappointment over the flanderization of the Ultramarines is palpable.
Image:PillarstodesEntrance.gif| [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUhVCoTsBaM| *Cue Awaken.mp3*]
Image:AhrimanEXCUSEME.gif| Ahriman is a very grumpy boss.
Image:SlaaneshPatrol.gif| If you hear EDM outside, don't answer the door. EVER.
Image:HighLordsIllegal.gif| The High Lords in a nutshell.
Image:SuddenlyDaemons.gif| Magnus' original fuckup barely fazed him at the time.
Image:EmperorSpanking.jpg| The Emperor is the ideal father figure.
Image:UltraSmurfingNecrons.gif| Calgar engaging in a little Ultraviolence.
Image:RussWolfWarfare.jpg| Leman Russ' version of the infamous Navy Seal Copypasta.
</gallery>

===Fanart===
<gallery>
Image:NOT CANON.png|Kitten with his TOTALLY NOT CANON girlfriend [[Shadowsun]].
File:Kitten and shadowsun tragic story by khornez.jpg|''Tale as old as time...''
File:KittenCustodesbyAdeptusAdamaris.jpg|Turns out the nickname wasn't an accident.
File:NotCanonbyMagnifical.jpg
File:Luscious lucius prankz gone heretical 2016 by sexual yeti.png
File:TTS Rogal by eightball6219.jpg|When a tech-priest asks for a toaster, you give him a damn toaster!
</gallery>

==External Links==

* [https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLyiDf91_bTEgnBN0jAvzNbqzrlMGID5WA The entire series.]
* [https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/WebAnimation/IfTheEmperorHadATextToSpeechDevice TV Tropes's page, for extra references.]
* [http://if-the-emperor-had-a-texttospeech-device.wikia.com/wiki/If_The_Emperor_Had_a_Text-To-Speech_Device_Wiki And a whole wiki to cover the show, too]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqbQ_oKmflM A remix cover of the ending theme by StringStorm, check his other remixes too.]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzPuK1vib_c Not content with his first remix, StringStorm made a second one.]

[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]]

If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device

2021-11-14T19:27:33Z

2601:449:8280:2630:98A6:8027:1751:4353: /* The Imperial Army Imperial Guard Astra Militarum WALL of GUNS */

{{Cleanup}}
{{Spoilers}}
[[File:If-the-emperor.png|500px|right|thumb|]]
{{Topquote|'''The LORD:''' "You've nothing more to say to me? You come but to complain unendingly? Is never aught right to your mind?" '''Mephistopheles:''' "No, Lord! All is still downright bad, I find.|Goethe's Faust, Prologue in Heaven.}}

The fallen will forever be remembered as the Emperor's finest.

A Youtube series created by Bruva Alfabusa, the show follows the exploits of [[Emprah]] himself in his quest to bring the Imperium of Man to its former glory, helped by the Captain-General of the [[Adeptus Custodes]] (nicknamed "Little Kitten"[[C'tan|...ha]] by his disrespectful underlings), Magnus the Red (now both ensouled and forgiven), and a hilarious cast of other major 40k characters. The series has become a huge success mostly by poking fun at many of the memes, traditions, and quirks of the 40k universe and the fandom, but also by some very awesome scenes, and, of course, great music. This shit has become so popular that it has its own fanfiction (one of which ended up gaining multiple meta-Fanfictions of its own (Does that make them a fanfic... within a fanfic... within what's essentially the video version of a fanfic?)), and there's even a few quotes from the show scattered through the affected characters' pages here. Seriously.

Most fans agree that, while a wild and very unserious take on the 40k universe, and the episodes are often littered with injokes (to the point of one regarding Magnus's VA taking up an entire special), the plot itself isn't actually that outlandish. If the Emps would wake up, it's pretty much a given that he would remove the worst parts of the Inquisition in short order, as well as enacting extensive reforms throughout the rest of the Imperial bureaucracy, while probably being an ass, as he always was. The unsure part is if the Emps would have learned from his 10,000 years of mistakes, which the series believes he has, deep inside. Doesn't help his [[Rage|temper]] though. Ultimately, the 40k universe in its infancy was also originally very wild, unserious, and full of injokes.

The series began back during the unending plot stagnation that had happened between third and seventh, though now that the plot's actually begun to move forward for a change, the series has seen some events unfold that mirror or reference the ongoing advancement of the official 40k plot.

The so-called "TTS-verse" also includes Karl the Deranged's series [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5enLrHSMuIs Chaos Descends], and Eliphas the Inheritor's [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1cXYan0NQA Behemoth] trilogy. "Specials" are slated for story content that takes place outside the throne room. The show also has an in-character podcast that reviews [[Black Library]] books called ''If The Emperor Had a Podcast.'' As in, they go to the Webway Black Library, and pick up books published by GW's Black Library.

In July 2020, a spin-off of the spin-off series ''Bro-Trip 40,000'' was launched. The series, known as [https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLWK8vQC22MgykekzOVpFanOREYV7cY9pL ''WarHams''], consists of tabletop sessions played in [[Wrath and Glory]] with some of the voice actors and writers of TTS.

However, in the grim dark present of the 3rd millennium, on July 29, 2021 Alfabusa made a decision to pause If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device indefinitely due to GW's bullshit new "Zero Tolerance" policy towards fan animation. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXljeaktnDA Full video statement here.]] It should be noted that Bruva Alfabusa's patreon income more than doubled after this announcement, as a result of collective community support (and collective RAGE at GW).

==Dramatis Personae==
Starting off with a few characters, the series has evolved to encompass a fuckton of major and minor characters, with their own small arcs and all. It's not quite [[Order of the Stick|OotS]] level, but it's getting there.

===Team Emperor===
[[Image:Pleased Emprah.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Emperor of Mankind]]''': The Emprah, who's now able to verbally communicate with people after Techpriests installed a text-to-speech device on his throne. Do you know how Roboute Guilliman is a 'jerk with a heart of gold'? Well the Emperor is a massive frothing plasteel power ceramite spiked dickbag with tourettes and a heart of gold/platinum alloy <s>studded with diamonds</s> that menaces with spikes of diamond. Is currently planning to rebuild the Imperium after hearing the clusterfuck of stories from his Captain-General caretaker. He also has a pet [[Centurion Squad|Centurion]] (who turns out to be rather an important person of the Primarchial variety), which he finds adorable, while finding [[Dreadknight]]s abominable.

He is a jerk, frequently insulting the Captain-General with little reason other than he can (and because it's funny), and dialogue with Magnus implies he's always been a prick. Nonetheless he is ultimately a sympathetic character who wanted to create a better future for humanity and the comedic outrage he displays at all the bad news he gets is justified given how he frequently hears about costly victories that could have been avoided if the men in charge were less incompetent and how the Imperium has been destroying itself (usually because of the Inquisition).

The Emperor has a new plan for defeating Chaos after the "starve them out by getting rid of religion" plan didn't work, but like before, he refuses to tell anyone what that plan is (although this time around, it's apparently not because he doesn't trust anyone, but because he doesn't want to spoil the surprise. Though it's probably sending the Ultramarines to destroy Chaos). As of certain revelations post-Gathering Storm, he's definitely a lot nicer than canon Emprah. Such as getting incredibly furious when he hears that the Inquisition has been murdering his people, reading Rogal a bedtime story (which, naturally, is a guidebook to being an architect) and such. This Emperor seems to honestly care about each individual human but accepts that his decisions cannot be based on that compassion.

Last we see of Emps shows off one of the most human moments of his existence. Kitten is sadly killed after being ambushed by Belisarius Cawl and a myriad of Ad Mech cheese units. Despite Big E's ridiculing of Kitten in the past, the Captain-General's death enraged the Emperor to no end, his psychic power reaching its peak and nearly tearing Terra in half in a bout of rage that is equal to, if not surpasses, Khorne's daily mirror screaming session. Fortunately Rogal was able to calm him down by donning his Centurion armor and leaps at his father, calming the shrieking skeleton and causing rain to pour across Terra as the Emperor's rage turns to sadness.

**'''The Star Child''': Spoiler alert on this one, but Emps on Terra isn't the only part of Emps still sticking around. If the foreshadowing is anything to go by, he seems to be the largest non-Throne fragment of the Emperor's soul that contains his compassion and love for mankind. Saved the remainder of the Inquisition and Leman Russ from Skarbrand and is currently hijacking Fyodor's body in order to get back to the Material Realm.

[[Image:Sad Kitten.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''Custodes Captain-General (aka Kitten (Real Name: Captain-General Kittonius etc. etc. etc. (as far as Spacebattle’s concerned)))''': Captain-General of the [[Adeptus Custodes]] and the only <s>Custodes</s> [[Companion|Hetaeron]] who appears to have retained most of his sanity after the near-death of the Emperor (as can be seen in the latest episodes, the rest of the Custodes seem to have maintained some form of balance). He serves as both the Emperor's personal caretaker and assistant, and pretty much the only person he regularly talks to and his main link to the outside world.

Generally, the only person the Emperor trusts and treats like a son, albeit constantly berating him whenever he does something stupid, or because he just feels like it. He also seriously hates [[Tau]]. One episode implies that it is because [[Shadowsun]] spurned him for the Greater Go'''OHISWEARTOFUCK THAT WAS ''NOT'' FUCKING CANON!''' He is named ''Little Kitten'' by his fellow Custodes, for "purring his way so far into their ranks", but his real name is a long seemingly nonsensical word salad supposedly based on his accomplishments...

But given how he's been stuck in the palace for the last ten thousand years said accomplishments include things like "Goldilocks-Sunshine-Graham-Corncob". His frequent emotional outbursts despite the supposed emotionless state of the Custodes is intentional and played for humor. After being forced out of the position of the caretaker by his fellow Custodes, Kitten fell into a depression, to which Magnus ominously is taking advantage of by making Kitten his ally in making the Imperium great again and totally not get back at the old man.

So far all he has done was kill a bunch of Lacrymoles that were impersonating the High Lords of Terra. It has been revealed that his uncanny knowledge of the outside world (considering the hate of knowledge in the Imperium in general) could come from the Black Library itself. Has become a master of [[Paradox poker|Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker]] (which is literally just [[Yu-Gi-Oh]] here), defeating not only the Emperor (because of his refusal to unplug Guilliman) but also Tzeentch of all things. <s>He has recently been turned silver</s> by Tzeentch while playing a children's card game (again) and winning over Magnus the Red’s soul.

As of Episode 27, GLORIOUS GOLDEN ARMOR RESTS UPON HIS BREAST ONCE AGAIN, albeit with a bit of silver. In episode 25, the duo arrived on Nocturne and went to 'borrow' the Engine of Woes. At this point, Magnus accidentally kills Vulkan with the engine, which releases Corvus Corax, who was in there the whole time. The Salamanders and Corvus quickly became hostile to Magnus, however, so he teleported himself and Kitten away. He later gets lost in the warp, encounters Crotalids, and plays COD with Apollo Diomedes and Indrick Boreale.

He's now on Mars in order to find and retrieve the Proteus Protocol, a mythical technology that can supposedly bring back Big E, with a retinue of Custodes (including the most FABULOUS dreadnaught in the entire Imperium). Sadly did not appear in Special 6, when the gang played <s>Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay</s> D&D. He and his Custodes henchmen defeat the Fabricator-General in a song-battle and learn the location of the Proteus Protocol in Ep. 28, before his underlings finally accept him and let him know that being cuddly and kindhearted is exactly what the Custodes and the Imperium need in the 42nd millennium (after all, the Imperium has enough warriors. What it really needs is a DADDY).

Sadly, in Episode 30 he has fallen in battle against Cawl and his Skitarii forces, and thanks to FUCKING GW, he will never rise again (he would have risen with the Proteus protocol if episode 31 ever happened)

**Is most likely ''not'' Constantin Valdor or Trajann Valoris, given the latter didn't exist when the series was first made and the former's fate is unknown in the canon. The entire point of the running gag regarding his name is likely to distance himself from any of the canon Captain-Generals. However, it is worth noting that the armor he starts wearing as of EP27 is directly based on Valoris' miniature, though with silver parts thanks to Tzeentch's sorcery, and with the feather on his armor replaced with one of Magnus' instead.
**Episode 28 puts the matter to rest: He is NOT Constantin Valdor or Trajann Valoris. However, according to official GW canon, a Centurion named Longinus was the one who took St. Alicia Dominica and her bodyguards into the Sanctum Imperialis during the Age of Apostasy- something Kitten also did in Ep. 3 or of the same name. It stands to reason that Kitten is Longinus, then.

*'''[[Magnus the Red]]''': The closest thing to a sane person besides the Captain-General (who plays the straight man depending on the situation), and occasionally plays "devil's advocate" as a result. He was retrieved from wherever within the Warp by the sheer plot-armor-powered efforts of [[Cato Sicarius]] and then brought to the Golden Throne, followed by the Emperor bullying [[Tzeentch]] in order to steal back Magnus' soul.

Touched, he somehow managed to forgive the Emperor (sort of) and decided to help the Emps with his plan to fix the Imperium, but Emps being a jerk to him is starting to test his patience. The shiny new bike he was given helped with their reconciliation... buuuut, Emprah being Emprah, it didn't take long enough to start insulting and mocking Magnus back and forth constantly. (Nice Dad skills, really). He may not be actively working for Chaos anymore, but he also quickly runs out of patience with his father and is attempting to fix the Imperium without his help, partly because he has serious doubts about his current sanity (which is kind of justified), and partly just to spite him.

Fortunately, as a Primarch and a particularly knowledgeable one at that, Magnus can probably get it done just fine on his own. Magnus turns into a [[neckbeard]]ed daemon cyclops [http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/mediawiki/images/9/9a/MagnusEpic.jpg that is a bit reminiscent of his] old [[Epic]] model, whenever he enters [[rage]] mode - usually prompted by any mention of [[furries|Space Wolves]], causing him to flashback to the Burning of [[Prospero]]. He's currently undertaking some obscure schemes with the unwitting aid of the Captain-General Kitten, including the attempted assassination of the [[High Lords of Terra]] and "borrowing" the Engine of Woes from Nocturne.

While playing with an ouija board on board a ship with Kitten, Tzeentch arrives to "reclaim" custody of him from his "abusive" father and morphs him back into his Daemon Prince form. It took Kitten playing a child's card game (again) with Tzeentch to keep Magnus out of his clutches. On the other hand, Magnus is stuck in his Daemon Prince form while Kitten theoretically owns his soul (much to his embarrassment and dismay). In episode 25, the <s>couple</s>'''Partners*''' arrived on Nocturne and went to 'borrow' the Engine of Woes. Magnus decides to sneak into the base instead of using his OP invisibility though after a bit of poking at Kitten (it involves Tau, guaranteed to piss him off) then decides to go yell in a North England accent at a guard.

The Engine of Woes, a green hatchback car (<s>the infamous Fiat Multipla</s> a Smart Fortwo) then released Corvus Corvax after Magnus killed Vulkan for hugging him, prompting the entire chapter of the Salamanders to pop up and become very hostile with Magnus (which basically equates to ''purposefully'' hugging you so hard your spine snaps, instead of accidentally doing so). Corax isn't happy either, as he was released from his super dark hole after thousands of years, which forces Magnus to teleport himself and Kitten away.

Vulkan suddenly super healed himself again and wants to hunt/hug Magnus. Later, when Kitten chooses his <s>army list</s> delegation for the trip to Mars, Magnus seems to embrace his inner neckbeard in a different way. After Kitten went on his trip, he met the Emperor to inform him about their return, and as predicted earlier, he was bombarded with chicken jokes instantly. Surprisingly enough, Dorn was the one who complimented him on his new visage. Dawwww... [[Extra Heresy|Magnus controversially thinks Taco Tuesdays should be held on Fridays While still being called Taco Tuesdays.]]

Currently perusing the Black Library for any mention of Cypher. <s>This means we’ll probably see him next around episode 50 as he’ll inevitably get sidetracked and read every book in the Black Library in his incessant thirst for knowledge.</s> Nevermind, [[Cegorach]] showed up to stop them from doing anything and instead challenged Magnus to a comedy battle in front of a Harlequin Troupe. This went about as well as one would expect, with Magnus' dry, cynical sense of 'humor' being beaten out by Cegorach's somehow even more horrid sense of 'humor' involving copious amounts of dead memes that would probably result in Cegorach's immediate strike from a banhammer would he be on /tg/. Magnus nearly commits unintentional suicide though due to using way too much self-deprecative humor, as such comedy causes people's souls to die and wither away and since Magnus is a Warp projection this nearly kills him, like dead dead. But Cegorach calls the battle a draw after some convincing and deal-making with the Fabulous Custode and sends him to help [[Eldrad]] awaken [[Ynnead]] instead...

*'''Mini-Magnus'''* Upon sending Captain-General Kitten on his way to Mars, Magnus plucks off a tuft of his daemonic wings and places them on Kitten's Captain-General armor. By focusing on the feathers and saying "Mini-Magnus! Come forth!" it summons a miniscule version of Magnus with a nasally voice and simple personality defined by drawing out words and replying in simple phrases. This Mini-Magnus will pop forth announcing "It meeeeeeeeeeee". Mini-Magnus acts friendly towards Kitten and is supposedly incapable of lying as Kitten probes him for information regarding the Proteus Protocol and Magnus' true intentions with Mini-Magnus revealing that if Magnus is lying than he shall "Shed my skin, innards, and bone to become a curse upon big-Magnus perennially." proving that though he is a part of Magnus, he is entirely willing to curse Magnus.

**Magnus is quite fond of tabletop games and created a decent character, Magnar Buckethead, for an upcoming game with the rest of the delegation, spending a week writing his backstory. But since only he and the Grand Provost Marshal read the rules, he had to be GM. Then he used Buckethead as a starting NPC that gave a first quest for the characters of his comrades, only to get brutally killed afterwards due to horrible decisions and even worse rolls.

Seeing his character [[your_dudes|on whos creation he spent so much effort]] getting [[Khorne|Bled]], [[Tzeentch|Backstabbed]], [[Nurgle|Being thrown shit at (literally)]] and [[Slaanesh|Mutilated]] naturally enraged him. Compounded with all the rest of the rail-breaking the party committed on his eloquently-crafted plot, he spent the rest of the campaign he trying to get other characters killed in various ways and failing.

*<s>'''[[Rogal Dorn]]'''</s> '''Lord Ador(n)able:''' Primarch of the [[Imperial Fists]]. Is revealed as the Emperor's personal Centurion, with whom he had nightly cuddling sessions prior to his reveal. He came out of hiding after Kitten brought up the topic of discussing the [[Space Wolves]], where he vehemently suggested not to discuss the Wolves to prevent Magnus from spazzing out. His extreme bluntness is shown to be less because he is an asshole and more because he is extremely oblivious and literal-minded and his stubbornness, a trait ingrained also in his legion, grants him such a closed-minded view and lack of understanding of social situations that he almost always fails to read sub-texts or commonly understood jokes/innuendos.

Then again, given at one point he drops his stoic facade to chuckle at the Emperor being hypocritical about skeleton worship (while claiming his favorite humor is actually the analysis of reality, e.g. "Slapping your hands together to make noise is a strange way of expressing praise"), he could just be trolling everyone by acting the laconic fool in response to "fool-proof" metaphors. Additionally, in episode 24 it is greatly implied he is fully aware of everything going on, including the Emperor's plans, implying he has some form of "super-sanity". Or maybe it's due to using a fucking chainsword to scratch his head.

Before his disappearance, he used to consult his "magic pain glove" until his hand fell off. Despite his eccentricities and his probable inability to understand sarcasm, he can still make surprisingly lucid observations such as that the End Times are coming and that not even the Chaos Gods will survive the inevitable heat death of the entire universe. He even manages to, perhaps unwittingly, [https://youtu.be/ihskUz0obzY?t=390 deliver one of the sickest burns yet on the Emperor], leaving him speechless.

Actually, nearly every line he spouts is full of unintentional hilarity. Is fully capable of "The Laughter". Also believes fully that the "Taco Tuesday" is the true path, and disbelieves that "Taco Friday" is a thing, accusing his father of being a liar for implementing such a belief, making Rogal start the "[http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/heresy/thedornianheresy.pdf Dornian Heresy]", end of the taco Friday, and possibly the end of Emps---{{BLAM}} Very protective of Boy, to the point of actually becoming emotional at the prospect of him being traumatized, and also willing to risk a fortified window or two in order to chuck the Pillar-stodes from them should they keep threatening the child.

As of Episode 12, most major characters "bend" while they are moving, as opposed to them just moving statically like in earlier episodes. Dorn is the only major character who does not do this. Makes sense, knowing the guy.

*'''Boy''': A young serf boy who operates the voxcaster during the Emperor's podcasts and sort of tagalong kid and resident punching bag. He has another name, but because he was too slow in saying it, The Emperor decreed that his name is "Boy". Originally incredibly meek and timid due to serving Big E himself, he has recurrent bouts of hyperventilation and anxiety, he later starts to grow a spine and become more self-confident while also becoming physically stronger due the need of walking from his hab-block to the Inner Sanctum while skipping through the throngs of pilgrims at the Palace, avoiding deadly booby-traps and scaling the stairs to the Throneroom.

Apart from operating the vox caster and often times being an unfortunate butt monkey, his other role is representing the knowledge of the average Imperial citizen, which is unsurprisingly abysmal due the lack of education (or in the case of some people, the need to make up for comprehensive education). Has become more intelligent due to Dorn (who had quickly grown fond of him) tutoring him to the point of summarizing the Black Templars in their entirety based on vague information and pointing out chapter flaws AND possibly [[Chapter Master (game)|immense numbers of Chaplains and Apothecaries of which even the High-Marshal apparently was not aware off]], [[Administratum|nor the Emperor & company noticed]]. Is friends with Billy, and in the process of bonding with Magnus the Red of all people due being similarly one-eyed and capable to see horrific warp phenomena (though he has since had a cybernetic replacement installed in the socket).

Additionally, he wishes to be an Astartes, and due to the fact that there's a Chapter of them who keeps their Star-Fortress Monastery parked in orbit most of the time with their [[Rogal Dorn|Primarch]] being basically his adoptive father, it isn't that far fetched. He managed to get the only surviving [[Warhammer_40,000/Tactics/Talons_of_the_Emperor_(30k)#HQ|Tribune]] to dawww at his child-like wonder, and told the Shield-Captain to [[Imperial Guard|"Eat the death-porridge, sir!"]]

Also he kicked and beat his Overseer to death for being demeaning to him and threatening to murder his entire family and all his associates; because said Overseer simply couldn't imagine a mere novice would be allowed in the Emperor's presence and believed he was outrageously lying and blaspheming. In the process though, he had his eardrums blown out by the Overseer's Ass-Hailer security guard (and here too got cybernetic replacements afterwards). It appears he lived in a district close to an outpost of the [[Skaven|"underground rattie imperigum"]], hinting the Great Horned Rat and the Skaven may have truly managed to invade the 40k reality, probably thanks to the use of transdimensional Gnawholes gone awry. He (and presumably his family) now live in the Sanctum.

He quickly became a mascot for the populace of the Empire as a whole and as of Episode 29 has officially become a character in the primary series. He is last seen feeling unimaginable agony in his remaining eye after the sheer degeneracy of [[Asdrubael_Vect|Asdrubael Vect fucking with the Star-Fyodperor so hard it renders the]] anti-Commoragh glasses worthless.

===Imperials (So sorta good guys)===
[[Image:Pillar-Stodes.png|thumb|right|From right to left: Wamuudes, Custodisi, and Karstodes.]]
*'''The Pillar-stodes (Wamuudes, Custodisi, and Karstodes)''': Some of the Emperor's personal companions from the Great Crusade days, and the current Tribunes of the Adeptus Custodes. As far as the main TTS-Reaction thread's concerned, their real names are Karius Dolman, Disistan Flavius, and Whamusus Balik. After his interment into the Golden Throne, the rest of the Custodes have shed their armor as a sign of mourning. (though Whammuudes has other reasons involving the emperor's...[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aT2y2tvmeA0 undesirables])

This, however, has also caused them to become fabulous hedonists, which greatly disturbs the Emperor. Not only do they somehow not take it to a Slaaneshi-tier extreme, they actually despise Slaaneshi daemons the most, much to the Emperor's confusion. They also have no respect for their Captain General and don't even seem to remember that he's their superior, actually [[Just As Planned|taking away his job as the emperor's caretaker by doing something for him]]. They constantly slip innuendos into their conversations, much to the discomfort of everyone involved, except for Rogal (who is too literal-minded to notice).

A running gag with them is that whenever the Pillarstodes come into a scene, they would dynamically jump in from nowhere with their own [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUhVCoTsBaM personal theme song], and also make obscure Jojo references at times. The three Pillarstodes' appearances are based on the Pillar Men from [[JoJo's Bizarre Adventure]]: Battle Tendency; a group of fabulously well-built, half-naked Aztec vampire demigods seeking immortality. They do have discernible personalities, though;
**Karstodes is a spotlight-hogger who is desperate for the Emperor's attention, which makes him act like a yes-man and threaten anyone who dares even hint at disagreeing with Big.E with violence.
**Waamudes is the one making all the innuendoes, double-entendres and sees lewdness in all things. He's so good at oiling and greasing his fabulous body he's transcended friction (for the most part).
**Custodisi is at first sight the most sane of the three, having no qualms with plainly telling the Emperor he doesn't know something, or even daring voice dissent. Turns out he's... unhealthily... obsessed with Primarchs, however.

Two (Custodisi and Wamuudes) wind up encountering Cegorach in front of the Black Library. They manage to gain entrance and retrieve a surprising amount of literature on the White Scars, but are traumatized by the Laughing God & are mentally exhausted from sifting through so much knowledge. Apparently, Cegorach was quite scary, as they are terrified after hearing his "[BAZINGA]" cue; although it may simply be a reference to that one time when two Harlequins managed to enter the Imperial Palace and slaughtered a shit load of Custodes while claiming to have come in peace and simply want to deliver a message to the Emperor (and the best is that [[Heresy|one of them was saved by the Inquisition]] [[Extra Heresy|in the name of inter-species friendship]], in spite of the Captain-General being hell-bent on killing both), so it is actually no surprise at all that some Custodes have got massive traumas.

Recently, after the trip to the Black Library, Custodisi and Wamuudes have been semi-corrupted and began spouting Khornate speech and wishing to genocide the normies in the anger intervention against Helbrecht, high marshal of the [[Black Templars]]. (Actually, back in 2nd edition where you could play <s>Chaos</s>{{BLAM|'''REDACTED'''}} bands in an RPG fashion style, there was a tiny possibility for your lord of Choas to be a Custodes! So, <s>Chaos</s>{{BLAM|'''REDACTED'''}} Custodes are (were) canon... and compared to modern Geedubs, this show relies quite a lot on old [[fluff]]). Recently, Custodisi has been theorized to have been Horus’d by Emps after he mentioned the sheer concept of “wincest” within metaphysical earshot of '''YA BOI'''.

He later appeared in the 6th special, apparently having been transported to the WARHAMMER Fantasy world, where he encountered the main cast playing at game of Fantasy Roleplay and killed a bunch of their characters. Interestingly, Custodisi lost an arm in this fight, just as ACDC/Elsidisi, the character he's based on, lost an arm fighting Joseph in Battle tendency. Custodisi has since "returned from hell" with a few trophies, a prosthetic arm, and a more humble attitude. Due to his good luck at being voiced by the series creator, Wamuudes leads the voxcasts, as well as having a set of vox logs of his own.

Meanwhile, whilst Custodisi and Waamudes had their heretical swings, Karstodes seems to have been on a path to improvement which culminated in ep. 28 when he recognized how unfair he had been to the captain general and resigned as caretaker. The Emperor was genuinely surprised and impressed by the Custodian's sudden insight, and praised Karstodes for having reached that conclusion of his own volition. Envigorated, Karstodes pledged to the Emperor to continue on his path of self improvement. He has a love-hate relationship with Boy, as Karstodes childishly competes for the Emperor's attention every second he is on screen.

This becomes even more intense when it's revealed that although frequently mocking Boy for his ignorance, Karstodes cannot read.

*'''Diavolodes''': Another crazy Jojo-Custodes (this one is based on Diavolo from part 5), he appeared out of the blue and asked Kitten and Magnus if they knew who he was, and was content to hear that they didn't. Once alone, he started to laugh maniacally, declaring that soon the new Emperor would be him, Diavodes! Also [[Alpha Legion|may or may not]] be [[Alpharius|a familiar face]] in disguise. He appears about 11 minutes into episode 22, and may have tagged along with Kitten's Mars expedition under the name Lrak (Nude-stodes figure appears during the pan out before Magnus sends them to Mars saying something about "Wanting to play among the Dunes"). Has a strange obsession with piss.

*'''Mars Delegation''': As part of the Captain General's mission to secure some choice intel from the Fabricator-General, he decided to grab a few particular allies from the various shield hosts.
**'''Hammurabi Unferth''': Shield Captain from the Emissaries Imperiatus. Apparently, the entire host is skilled in being passive-aggressive with the guilt trip, and he's the best at it. During the mars trip he is shown to be also pretty good at direct intimidation when needed and that he is a staunch supporter of kitten.
**'''Lockwarden of the Shadowkeepers''': The Shadowkeepers are the shield host specialized in guarding the vaults of Terra and the abominations within, one of which is an archaeotech monstrosity formed from a Singing Billy Bass. The Lockwarden seems to end all his sentences with shades emotes and has a...peculiar manner of speech. <s>He seems to have helped Kitten deal with his break up with Shado</s>'''NOT FUCKING CANON''' <s>and still gives him advice on the ma</s>'''NO NO NO'''. Love is a strange thing, dude B)
**'''Santodes''': Yep, you guessed it, a fourth Pillar-stodes, referencing Santana from JoJo, and voiced by none other than Curtis "'''Takahata101'''" Arnott himself. Santodes is a FULLY CLOTHED blue Contemptor-Achillus Dreadnought with a fabulous head of golden hair and a fascination for his frame that's on tier with his living counterparts. Santodes had previously been identified as the Custodes who threw himself in front of the Emperor (stripped down to his loin-cloth, no less) to try to upstage Ollanius Pius' sacrifice. He was put up to it by none other than Kitten, who has sheer passive-aggressiveness dripping off of him every moment Santodes is on screen. Hes also very seductive to Skitarii who find him very attractive (being 99.9% machine of the highest quality)

[[Image:High Lords Text.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''The [[High Lords of Terra]]''': The people responsible for running the Imperium itself. Despite this the majority of the High Lords never really discuss or do anything to the betterment of the Imperium and just act senile, usually discussing about subjects relating to defecation and its products, and once even planning to outlaw breathing for everyone but them. For this reason, Magnus wants them all dead and handle governing the Imperium directly, but Kitten may have succeeded in convincing them not to fuck over the Imperium so much.

Apparently, the High Lords are commonly recruited from the Old Folks' planet, a retirement home so terrible that the High Lords have banned ever saying its name. There are currently 5 (technically 7 if you count the Head Scribe and Fyodor) High Lords featured, aside from the Captain-General. The High Lords are currently enjoying their time off/wallowing in misery thanks to the fact that the Emperor has pretty much made them obsolete, especially after he made making new laws illegal.
[[Image:High Lords 2.jpg|thumb|right]]
:*'''[[Ecclesiarchy|<s>Ecclesiarch</s> Mancclesiarch]] Decius XXIII''': The only non-senile High Lord (so far, there's still more we haven't seen) aside from the Captain-General, who legitimately takes his post seriously, even standing up to Fyodor and forbidding him to shed a single drop of blood from Terra's population ([[rules lawyer|which Fyodor circumvented by using incendiary weaponry]]).

For not screwing up the Emperor's plan, not being an overzealous bag of insanity, and rushing to try to save the Emperor when Fyodor stormed Terra's Palace he is allowed to stay leader of the Ecclesiarchy, even as the Emps is disbanding it/just changing every mention of '''God'''-Emperor to '''Man'''-Emperor, due to the fact that he and those who obeyed Emprah now are in charge of reforming the Imperium from the craphole it has sunk in. [[Space Marines|Loyalty to the man rather than the word]] finally paid off.

Just about everyone mocks him for his hat, which gets limp or...stiff depending on his emotional state, leading to his nickname of Pope Shafthat XXIII [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pq-6aj9sNvo He proved that despite the crap others give him, he can make some pretty rousing speeches on the fly]. The Emperor is honestly pleased that Decius is genuinely loyal. When told by the Emperor that Emps is not a god, Decius is disappointed, but does not hesitate to accept it because his loyalty is strong enough that if the Emperor says he is not a god, then he is not a god.

He also was ready to do his best to disband the Ministorum despite knowing what the priesthood would do to him for such "heresy" because the Emperor said to. Ultimately, his genuine loyalty is heavily rewarded by the Emperor. It probably also helps that the Emperor doesn't force Decius or the Ecclesiarchy to stop worshipping him altogether, just as a God, instead allowing them to worship him as [[Humanity Fuck Yeah|the pinnacle of humanity and what everyone should aspire to]]. After all, he may not be a god, be he's still fucking awesome.
:*'''Fabricator-General of Mars''': The head of the Adeptus Mechanicus. Is so old that his voice stutters every time he speaks like a broken version of Stephen Hawking in addition to always speaking in little tunes. Constantly does nothing but insult his fellow High Lords for being made of flesh and recommend they swap out their fleshy bits for mechanical augmentations. According to other Magos, the Fabricator-General is also a massive junkie (literally as well as figuratively; his true form fills a room) and party animal and at the end of Episode 28, after being confronted by Dark Angels looking for Cypher, Asmodai <s>made him repent</s> MURDERED HIM VIOLENTLY.

He has recently been revealed to be utilizing the Proteus Protocol to survive repeated explosions and orders Cawl to liquidate the Custodes questing to retrieve the protocol. Gets hit very hard on the head by a Dark Angel Crozius Arcanum after suspected of knowing about the Fallen.
:*'''Grand Provost Marshal''': Head of the Adeptus Arbites, who does nothing but propose to make everything illegal. [[Judge Dredd|HE IS THE LAW]]... at least until The Emperor declares the act of making new laws to be illegal, something which utterly devastates him. This makes him surprisingly adept at tabletop roleplaying games as he read the rules and understood them even better than Magnus did.
:*'''Master of the Administratum''': The head of the Imperial bureaucracy. A bit less inept than the rest of the High Lords, he acts like your everyday senile grandfather.
:*'''Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard''': The leader of the Imperial Guard. Doesn't do much, apart from comparing war to the good ol' days. Aware enough to know that the removal of minor luxuries (laxatives, breathing) may have detrimental effects on the Imperial Guard. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUrhqCkYwps Lays a sicknasty dilarius biznasty beat.][https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wo5ro1nWsPU And has the bling to match.]

----

===The Ultrasmurfs===
Very obnoxious and accompanied by the Ultramarine Chant from Chaos Gate. They apparently cannot be defeated due to their literal use of the "holy Codex" from their "Spiritual Liege." Managing to do nigh impossible feats. While the Emperor is not amused with them at all, he tolerates their OP plot armor to do impossible tasks for him such as retrieving Magnus from the Eye of Terror (with their Gellar Field turned ''off'', of all things) with minimal casualties, finding and sneaking the rest of Vulkan's artifacts onto Nocturne, and (currently) outdancing the best Harlequin dancers in the Webway while searching for Jaghatai Khan. Other impossible tasks in the past include using a giant Necron Pylon as a melee weapon, outfighting a Transcendent C'tan shard and killing a Phantom Titan by punching it in the foot.
*'''[[Marneus Calgar]]''': Chapter Master of the Ultramarines. He's currently depressed and frustrated at the state of the Ultramarines where they basically win everything (due to their plot armor) as well as their strict adherence to the Codex Astartes to the point that it's no longer fun, nor satisfying, to win anymore. Due to this, his mood is eternally grumpy, only made worse by Sicarius' constant gloating. He actually seems to care deeply for the men under his command as he gets extremely pissed off when Sicarius put his marines at unnecessary risk to achieve another victory to inflate his reputation, so one could assume Sicarius is the exception. He also appears in a flashback during the second [[Tyranid]] war in Ultramar, where he did battle with the Swarmlord. [https://youtu.be/cB79pnU2f2I?t=5m30s While he put up a valiant fight, he found that they were equally matched, and thus, declared it a draw.] (also, that whole gag is a clear reference to a Monty Python movie about King Arthur, just search up “Monty Python black knight scene”) Blatant hints point towards a deal he made with [[Matt Ward|something]] to give his Chapter more victories (hinted to have begun during the Second Tyrannic War), which he deeply regrets. Best buds with [[Ciaphas Cain]]
*'''[[Illiyan Nastase]]''': Chief Astropath of the Ultramarines. He received a brief mention during Episode 25, when he delivered a message to the Ultramarines Chapter Master, but did not receive any screentime. Marneus Calgar is deeply resentful of Illiyan's existence, and very adamantly insists on pushing him out of the spotlight and removing all mentions of the half-Eldar's existence. Because yes, Half-eldar serving the Ultramarines are canon. (Seriously, why does everyone forget Nastase was never a marine to begin with?)
*'''<s>[[Cato Sicarius]]</s> Cunto Shitarius''': Current Captain of the Ultramarines 2nd company. Rather than an exaggeration of the canon Cato (who is a perfectly normal, bland Ultramarine) he's the physical embodiment of /tg/'s hatred of [[Matt Ward]]: a massive glory hound layered in plot armor, turned up to eleven, where he only cares for his advancement in the ranks of the Ultramarines and not much else. He apparently undertook the mission to capture Magnus the Red. Alone. Without his gellar field turned on, and his survival at such mission greatly pissed off Calgar to no ends (and someone on Spacebattles wrote a thread where he even pisses off Guilliman), who was hoping he would die. He is also very verbal about his intention to take the position of Chapter Master, which ''greatly'' upsets, or rather, very pisses off, Calgar (as Cato's dialogues largely implies that he's better than him and wishes for his death), to the point where he threatens to perform an [[Imperial Fists|"Imperial Fisting"]] upon Sicarius with his Gauntlets if he continues such thoughts. He also has a very egotistical, effeminate voice that can only be described as "the incredibly sanctimonious love child of tinnitus and a jackhammer", and he always refers to himself in the third person. [https://youtu.be/bM8YGsAmeqE?t=1m56s It's goddamn hilarious.]
*'''[[Uriel Ventris]]''': Current Captain of the Ultramarines 4th company. He doesn't have a lot of development yet, but appears as a close friend of Calgar and is the only one who's noticed the Ultramarines' theme of somehow always completing utterly suicidal missions. He comes to realize that some unknown force is tampering with space and time to rewrite history,([https://youtu.be/eG82ruvH0jc?t=120 Probably has to do with an ''itsy bitsy little'' '''SHARD''']) covering up the Ultramarines past failures and playing up their successes to impossible levels, and starts to suspect that Calgar knows more about this than he's letting on. He also loves to talk about the unique green trim in his armor. He ALSO hates Cunto Shitarius. Who doesn't?
*'''[[Roboute Guilliman]]''': The Emperor has regularly made a point of ordering the Custodes Captain-General to have him taken off life-support. Currently, the only reason he's still on it is Kitten winning an epic duel in a [[Yu-Gi-Oh|children's card game]] against the Emperor. The result of his actions and the Codex Astartes horrifies his father. Going by the previous canon of Guilliman perhaps actually regenerating from the wounds that supposedly killed him, the Empra likely wants the time stasis field deactivated so he can finally get off his fucking ass. Though if we're going by official canon, it seems that the Emprah's intervention is no longer necessary. Amusingly, canon Guilliman's reaction to the Imperium upon being woken up isn't ostensibly that different to TTSD Emperor's (minus the swearing, bullying, and psychic temper tantrums). This is also supported in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-Qt3SXfYf8 recent TTS-related content, when he was interrogated by Cyberdong the Techpriest].

===Team Friendly Crusade of Friendly Friendship===
*'''[[Ferrus Manus]]:''' Primarch of the [[Iron Hands]]. Due to him being dead, he only appears as a ghost. Strangely, only Vulkan and Corax are able to see and hear him, leading other people like Magnus to think that his brothers have gone insane (probably because they were at Isstvan V and watched him die). He does nothing but tells Vulkan and Corax that they [[Adeptus Mechanicus|(and flesh)]] are weak. As for the latter "-is weak" statement, Vulkan bonks Brain-ghost Ferrus on the head saying "the real Ferrus Manus would say the opposite, ya' dumb ghostface idiot" which raises some questions about if it really is Ferrus' ghost. Only his head is visible, leading to Vulkan calling him a skull-ghost, a "Skost" if you will.

====Salamanders====
The Salamanders are a bunch of pyromaniacs in Cataphractii Terminator armor, infamous for their obsession with fire. They appear to be severely deaf, and are at least prone to talking in very loud voices, not hearing Kitten freak out next to them or the Ultramarines sneak the artifacts past them while their infamous theme song was blaring, and later not hearing a trapped Corax called out for help. They also seem to be oblivious to their Primarch's perpetual abilities, given that they're utterly shocked whenever Vulkan dies and resurrects again, despite personally witnessing it happen at least 6 times already, so far. The Emperor wonders if the Salamanders' pyromania had to do with his act of keeping their gene-seeds closer to the candle for warmth when he was creating them.

*'''[[Vulkan]]:''' Primarch of the [[Salamanders]]. After the Ultramarines found the remaining artifacts of Vulkan in secret for the Salamanders, Vulkan returned to the chapter, where his return was greeted with great adulation (VUVUZELAS). He is notably quite crazy, both haunted by the not-ghost with a not-face of Ferrus Manus. He speaks with a distinct South African/Jamaican accent and loves friendship, brotherhood, and cute animals (including Catachan Barking Toads, leading to some snoot-booping hilarity in the spin-offs). Died during his battle with the Beast, after pushing it into a reactor of WAAAGH energy, causing him to occasionally gain an Ork's eyes, violent vocabulary and speech patterns after his inevitable resurrection (which is hilarious when juxtaposed with his normally friendly speech). Dies again after Magnus unintentionally telepathically crushed him under The Engine of Woes, the trunk of which Vulkan had locked Corvus Corax in, then promptly got better within mere minutes. Has used the [[Grimdark|darkest corner of the universe]] as a place to relax for over 9000 years and work on his hobby, Battlemace 42,000,000. He is currently traveling with Corax & the Salamanders across the Imperium before returning to Terra to finish giving the spine-crushing hugs he wants to give to Magnus. Also, as of Ep.27, Magnus suspects Vulkan had his soul fused with a piece of the Ork gestalt consciousness, effectively making him a half-ork. Vulkan can apparently tap into said energies and channel it through his faith in the Emperor, and can also apparently communicate with animals via the power of friendship. As of Bro Trip 3, he has somehow vanished after making a shocking recovery from the symptoms of a virus bombing with his innate Orkiness.
*'''[[Vulkan He'stan|He'stan]]''': Forgefather of the Salamanders. He is seen sleeping on an anvil on fire when Cato Sicarius delivered the remaining artifacts to the Salamanders, literally driving them through the wall of the fortress into the Forgefather's personal chambers. Thinking he found the artifacts in his sleep, he subsequently declares himself to be best forgefather (and doesn't know that Vulkan was actually hiding for 9000 years in a very dark corner on the same planet). He also has a very Girlish Scream.
*'''[[Tu'Shan]]''': Chapter Master of the Salamanders. Rocks a sweet set of dragon armor and has a very knightly manner of speech. Expect to hear the phrase "My Primach!" in some form a few times per appearance.

====Raven Guard====
A bunch of emotional, apologetic emos in Corvus armor with Jump Packs and Lightning Claws.

*'''[[Corvus Corax]]''': Primarch of the [[Raven Guard]]. Apparently spent the past few millennia on [[Nocturne]], trapped in a 3rd millennium smart car referred to as the "Engine of Woes" while writing edgy poetry. Is accidentally freed by Magnus when he uses the Engine of Woes to fight off Vulkan. Currently accompanying the Salamanders on a trip to the Imperial Palace. His personality is, hilariously, one of an edgy teenage goth, with his self-hate and moodiness turned up to eleven. Wants to show the Emprah his edgy poetry. Magnus and Kitten freak out when he appears. Looks surprisingly like John Wick, or Samurai Jack during Season 5 with unwashed ammonia encrusted long hair. Willing to accept his own death rather than bring it upon his friends and allies. Is currently traveling the Imperium with Vulkan, where he constantly acts as the morose voice of reason to contrast Vulkan's joyful insanity. As of Bro-Trip 3, Corvus demonstrated immense disgust at learning of Joppal's excessively money-driven politics particularly when faced with the concept of the Indentured Squadrons. Forms an alliance with the Indentured leading them in a revolution against the planets' greedy, malformed leaders.
*'''[[Kayvaan Shrike]]''': Raven Guard Master of Shadows (AKA Chapter Master - '''because why not'''.). He seems to be fairly bipolar, going from jovial to depressed at the drop of a hat. Also makes bird noises. Vulkan noted he was also extremely polite and apologetic; often saying sorry for things that weren't even his fault or deflecting apologies to him for misfortune by saying he deserves it for being neglectful.
*'''Kadus''': In lore, Kadus is one of the most esteemed Space Marines in the Raven Guard Chapter and is one of Chapter Master Kayvaan Shrike's closest personal friends, having served together with him alongside his other friend, Corus, since their time as initiates. In the series, he accompanies Shrike and acts as his more level headed counterpart.

====Warhams Crew====
A side story of a side story about a small four-man team consisting of a [[psyker]] murderhobo, a [[Skitarii]] murderhobo, an incompetent [[Rogue Trader]], and an [[Acolyte|Inquisitorial Acolyte]] of the [[Ordo Xenos]] who is somehow the straight man of the group. They are the owners of the ''Debt Collector'', an Imperial ship that has gone several cycles without proper maintenance. Their job is to go to planets as ambassadors, and they are often left with the weirdest places, like a [[ratling]] [[agri world]], a <s>(deserted(?)) [[Necron]] [[tomb world]]</s> perfectly normal planet where times are great, a penal colony, and a hive world where the people are so backwater that they're space-hillbillies who keep their own blood in separate bags.

*'''Lorn''': A psyker from [[Fenris]] with a huge beard. He is batshit crazy most of the time, and the one of the most LOLrandom characters on the show. Once had his psychic power dampened and grew muscles the size of an Ogryn's as a result. Played by Zoran, who also voices [[Leman Russ]].
*'''π Braine''': A Skitarii hailing from Lemuria, an underwater [[Forge_World#Planet|forge world]]. He is the other LOLrandom character, who likes to roam the halls of the ''Debt Collector'' and randomly murder crew members he thinks are sabotaging the ship. Usually though, the sabotages are more than likely his. Played by SpeakerD, who also voices [[Asdrubael Vect]], and The emperor when not stuck on the throne.
*'''Captain Zedek''': The Rogue Trader that captains the ''Debt Collector''. Though it's hard to say what he actually does on the ship, as he seems perfectly content to let everyone else on the ship solve his problems. Now that he has an actual Tech-Priest on the ship -- who is far more competent in her leadership -- he feels slightly threatened in his authority. Also now a drug addict. Played by HulkyKrow, who voices Kayvaan Shrike.
*'''Reeb Van Horne''': The Inquisitorial Acolyte from the [[Ordo Xenos]]. Surprisingly the least insane member of the group, although he's had his moments, like trying to resurrect a dead techpriest (and succeeding). When the plot needs to move along, his character tends to take care of business. Played by Earndil.

===The Deathwatch===
Who are you gonna call if some nasty Xenos wont leave your basement - call the 'Deathwatch'. 100% guarantee to eliminate the vermin.... and nick its stuff. If not then theres no refunds- as we are probably dead.
*'''Calato''': A [[Deathwatch]] Champion from the Dark Angels. Originally from BEHEMOTH, Calato served under Inquisitor [[Kryptman]], spending more time irritably fixing recaf rather than fighting Xenos. Calato later shows up trapped in the warp with Karamazov and the rest of the Inquisition, where he had the balls to call Leman Russ a dogfucker to his face. Naturally, Russ was not amused. Later they made up over a pint of Fenrisian Ale, with Calato drunkenly embracing Russ as his "uncle... dog... my duncle!" He is later seen fighting against [[Plaguebearers]] during their defense of Khaine's gate, where Wilford forcefully dragged him out of combat after failing their squad's morale check, all the while demanding vengeance.

*'''Wilford''': A [[Deathwatch]] Apothecary from the Ultramarines, who mostly agreed to join the Deathwatch as he is unable to stand his chapter's insufferable self-superior attitude. Originally appeared in BEHEMOTH, but accompanied Calato during Fyodor's assault in the Emperor palace, and subsequently banished to the Warp during that event. He's obsessed with keeping everyone's health optimal, constantly berating and advising them to avoid further or future injury and illness.

===The Dark Angels===
The Inner Circle are a ragingly paranoid group of neurotic basketcases, far more so than in canon. Keep having to make non-circle marines [[RIP AND TEAR |"repent"]] for overhearing them discussing the Fallen very loudly.

*'''[[Azrael]]:''' Chapter Master of the [[Dark Angels]]. He's depicted as an overly paranoid wreck, obsessing about [[Cypher]], the [[Fallen Angels]] and constantly telling any non-inner circle member that reports to them that they're doing nothing suspicious and secretly heretical. The fact that he had two newly indoctrinated inner circle members killed because they stumbled onto knowledge of the fallen (that he spat out in front of them) is played for laughs.
*'''[[Belial]]:''' Grand Master of the Deathwing. His emo personality is hilariously turned to eleven whenever he perceives himself or his chapter as not being perfect, which is every waking second. This curiously allows him to become more reasonable than the rest of the Inner Circle, allowing him to converse with other people that doesn't outright accuse or threaten them. He has an effeminate yet whiny voice similar to Thurston Howell III.
*'''[[Asmodai]]:''' The Dark Angels' Master of Repentance (which basically means "Violent Murdering" to him). Not nearly as a fun police officer as his canon counterpart; his personality is psychotically intense, often telling people to redeem themselves or he'll do the actual redemption. However, given his views on "redemption", it usually doesn't end well (it tends to involve a crozius to the face). He's also as every bit as paranoid as Azrael. [https://youtu.be/M56aycpd9kA?t=19m55s REPENT, MOTHERFUCKER.]
*'''[[Watchers in the Dark|Watcher in the Dark]] (aka Snurko):''' A Watcher that accompanies Azrael, who is apparently the only one of its kind who can talk. It suddenly spoke of Cypher while in the presence of two newly indoctrinated inner-circle Angels, [https://youtu.be/M56aycpd9kA?t=17m48s prompting Azrael to hilariously beat the shit out of it.] His speech and mannerisms appear to be based off Orko from the He-man series.

===The White Scars===
*'''[[Jaghatai Khan]] (Honoured Be His Name)''': Primarch of the White Scars. During the Horus Humbug, he managed to pull off the amazing feat of standing still for more than 20 seconds (while standing on a Razorback going at 200 miles per hour). After the Codex announcement, he may be in [[Commorragh]], as he desired to [[meme|go fast]] and beat [[Dark Eldar|"those knife-eared assholes"]] in their jetbike races. Not much is known about his whereabouts right now, but it does mean that we will get to see him. Also, the Emperor has stolen at least one of his bikes from his room. There are many bets on his character vibrating rapidly in place. Made a five second cameo at the end of the 29th episode.
*'''[[Kor'sarro Khan]]''': The White Scars' Master of the Hunt and "the only White Scar worth mentioning". While he hasn't appeared, he is talked about at length in a public broadcast on the subject of the White Scars chapter. While Emps and co. spend more time mocking Voldorius, The Emperor does briefly question why he isn't their Chapter Master, which is probably the biggest endorsement an individual Space Marine has gotten since the Horus Heresy.

===The Black Templars===
According to Rogal Dorn, the Templars are absolute lunatics obsessed with "PURGING WITH MY KIIIIIIIIIIIIIN". They enjoy listening to Linkin <s>Loyalists</s> Purge in their drop pods and ramming swords through Xenos skulls. Actually not that far off canon. They may be slightly improving after being forced/convinced to have ordinary humans, psykers, librarians, ratlings and all other sorts of abhumans in their ranks.
*'''Chaplain [[Grimaldus]]:''' Shows up in a filler short where he tries to ban the holiday of Sanguinala. The other Black Templars tell him he can't, prompting him to go to his bed and throw a loyalist tantrum.
*'''High Marshal Helbrecht:''' Received an anger management course from the Emperor and the custodians and was semi-convinced to teach the Black Templars to not be ''completely'' batshit insane. Also has a voice like that of a clown goblin gargling marbles. Prefers sitting on things that are [[Space Marines|''stiff'' and very ''hard'']] to things that are [[Tau|''soft'' and ''limp'']]. Was very pleased with the prospect of the Emperor shitting on the UltraSmurfs, a phrase he interpreted as being a literal desire to defecate upon them. [[/d/|'''Nasty.''']]

===The Space Corgis===
Renamed by official decree by the Emperor himself after being informed of how everything in their vernacular seemed to have been prefaced by the word "wolf", including curse words, such as Leman Russ replacing the word "fucking" with "wolfing". Their initiation rites for aspirants culminates in sending them through the Gate of Morkai to endure a [[Tzeentch|"squid"]] screaming at them without getting a boner (your guess as to ''how'' that might even occur).

*'''[[Leman Russ]]''': Primarch of the Space Corgis, been hiding in the Warp for eons and has the punching speed of a Super Saiyan. Has a verbal staredown with Karamazov, then proceeds to relentlessly mock him while obsessing over wolves. He also gives a thorough dressing-down of the 3 branches of the Inquisition, as well as the Deathwatch, Tempestus Scions and Sisters of Battle accompanying them (delivering the infamous line "Daemons of Khorne are gonna eat ya out like ice cream sandwiches once your Red Rage begins!"). He even has his own version of the [[meme|Navy Seal Copypasta]]. Despite being a Viking, he has a pseudo-Scottish accent specifically based on the late SeanConnery . Magnus has accused him of being a furry-fuck...He may not be wrong. He taught the Inquisition how to survive in the Warp by turning them into a drunken mob and killing innocent daemons. This includes pranks of various sorts, such as crank calling Furies, cockblocking a Daemonette at a bar (which actually kills it), ding-dong-ditching Skarbrand, and assaulting one of Nurgle's daemons with a fuckload of soap ''(and a bathtub)''. After learning that Magnus is currently located in the Imperial Palace, he decided to get out of the Warp and go back to Terra; this journey currently includes surviving an army from all the Chaos Gods led by some of the most infamous Daemons, then walking through the Gate of Khaine into Commuragh, and being escorted to the Dark Eldar Overlord Vect, alongside with Karamazov and Kaldor Draigo, He and Draigo or take into the arena, And are currently being held for ransom by vect. Is able to summon things by thinking about them really hard, ironically due to the fact that he is a psyker. He uses this ability to torture some Dark Eldar who challenged him to a game of 20 questions. Also appears to be friends with [[Boatmurdered|Urist Boatmurdered]]

*'''Space Wolves [[Wulfen]]''': Any mention of the Wulfen is normally echoed with someone bellowing "[[Digganobz]]" in a demented manner. This is referred within a Youtube short: the Grandmaster of the Grey Knights, Sir Covan Leorac, was presented an image of the Wulfen and he called them Digganobz. And yes, they really ''do'' look like Digganobz.

===The Grey Knights===
*'''[[Kaldor Draigo]]''': The Supreme Grand Master of the [[Grey Knights]], who is cursed to wander The Warp for eternity. Centuries wandering unrealspace however, eroded Draigo's sanity (at one point Leman questions if Draigo can even be considered sentient, which Draigo answers no), which might not be a bad thing as his craziness allows him to both stay in the warp without any trouble and murder daemons left and right (remember: the warp is a reflection of the minds of mortals and psykers can influence it to a higher degree. Draigo's insanity and powerful psychic talents allow him to shrug off the madness of the warp, simply because he believes without a shadow of a doubt that he can). He's made several appearances, first is annoying Fyodor's attack force after being banished into the warp by Magnus and later summoned by Kitten to handle Magnus' tantrum, which he does so in a split-second offscreen using inexplicable Mary Sue powers to defeat him. He now hangs around with Russ and company and is the only one besides Russ who can safely traverse the warp sober and troll daemons without his head exploding. Has apparently been sending Daemons (in the form of ordinary villagers, with jobs and families) into the "Super Warp" by throwing vortex grenades at them (given that they're already in The Warp, the grenades would suck them <s>to an even deeper version of The Warp</s> Back out into real space which, considering they’re demons, would mean that they would promptly die). Unfortunately, his [[Matt Ward|Wardian plot armor]] is not enough to protect him from one of the most powerful forces in the Warhammer universe: bad dice rolls (seriously, the dice they were using must’ve been horribly unbalanced). This shows quite painfully during the battle at Khaine’s Gate, where he repeatedly fails his psychic tests and charge attempts, causing a group of Tempesta scions, and a firing line of Sisters of Battle, to get brutally murdered by demons. he’s still a beast in close-combat though, as the Masque of Slaanesh can attest. Is known for insane ramblings that come out of pretty much nowhere, and make no sense, but are absolutely hilarious. Prominent quotes shall be listed in the bottom section. Briefly seen without his armor at the end of episode 28, letting us see that he is ''really'' out of shape. Turns out the reason he's so overpowered (and insane) is that the Deceiver shoved a shard of the Outsider into him.

*'''Covan Leorac''': A Grand Master of the Grey Knights. He appears in a short video where some Grey Knights report <strike>solid evidence of the [[Wulfen]] among the Space Wolves</strike> FAHCK YOU! DIGGANOBZ. However, Covan is absolutely convinced that they're Digganobz and not Wulfen, even hitting a Knight in the head for disagreeing with. Whether this is a jab at GW heavily basing the look of Wulfen on Digganobs or is in conscious denial to prevent the Grey Knights from waging a costly war upon the Space Wolves (again) is up to interpretation.

*'''Dread Knight''': The Emperor thinks its design is silly and looks like a baby cradle, but the Dread Knight proves to be as brave as it is massive, heroically charging at Skarbrand only to be made into a red paste after it initiated physical contact with him.

=== The Blood Angels ===

*'''[[Sanguinius]]''': Fabulous Fucking Hawkboy, and Primarch of the Blood Angels who is very, '''very''' dead. BUT he can appear lying face-up, head somewhat melty, in the visions/dreams of the faithful. (Though apparently only whilst they are heavily drugged on Ork Fungus...). Bears the dubious honour of being the only person the Emperor will not smack talk about nor tolerate being talked down about.
**'''The [[Sanguinor]]''': Mentioned in the second Q&A session where one of the [[Flesh Tearers]] is praying for his aid and a Blood Raven asks of his true nature. The Emprah has no clue, but hopes that it could be a 'fragment' of Sanguinius and hopes he returns. This implies the Emprah thinks that, just as his own soul was split into fragments by Fucking Horus, the same may have happened on some level to Sanguinius. Later makes a brief cameo swapping places to give his <s>girlfriend</s> colleague, Saint Celestine, a break from her stressful job of helping her sisters. While she was grateful and considered him shy and a sweetheart, she and the Blood Angels (that she rescued from Be'lakor on Sanguinala) realized her sisters would be trying to [[Rip and tear|tear]] him apart in anger at taking her place. As he awkwardly deals with the Sororitas raging at him, Saint Celestine rushed back from Ba'al to save him.

===The Lamenters===
21st founding of Marines which is literally 'cursed' i.e they have the worst luck ever to happen to a chapter. Being kicked in the balls by the Minotaurs and power hammered seems to be pretty high on the sucks levels. Even Emps cries for them and he ''literally'' removed his empathy.

===The <s>Imperial Army</s> <s>[[Imperial Guard]]</s> <s>Astra Militarum</s> WALL of GUNS===
The billions upon billions of baseline human, squaddies, grunts, GIs, footsloggers, meat shields, cannon fodder, rucksack humpers which does the majority of land based warfare. They normally dont grab much of the medias attention as a image of a man sitting in a soggy trench with a torch and cardboard armour whilst super powered beings and aliens march over them isnt that uplifting.
*'''[[Sly Marbo]]''': [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kXU14hkuSI The One-Man Army] and [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCMNWAJiz5Y Hero of the Imperium!], he first appears in the April Fools episode where he was apparently recruited by Horus. Appeared in the real series, saving Little Billy and some farmers from the Kabal of the Flayed Skull in the middle of their raid on a random Agri-World. Later showed up at the invitation of Lucius to the Slaaneshmas Special where he begins beating up Typhus, Ahriman, and Lucius. While the scene turns to static, Lucius and Ahriman later show up on screen again. They commented that he was apparently a pretty great guy. Lucius apparently mixed up his contact info with Kharn's at one point. Later shows up to save Corvus Corax from the Catachan Barking Toad perched on his head. He's stated to be the single most decorated soldier in the entire history of humanity despite only being a Private, and "his aerodynamic musculature and knowledge of Catachan jungle tree buoyancy" help him "simulate flight" (which is apparently interstellar). Confirmed to NOT be a missing Primarch. Exclusively communicates by screaming (and sometimes body gestures, since he bowed slightly to Corax), specifically the one from the Dawn of War I opening cinematic where the sergeant orders the charge up the hill. He also weaponizes the subtitles of the scream by hitting enemies with them both as a ram and as a club.
*'''[[Ollanius Pius]]''': Makes a split-second appearance in [https://youtu.be/0Vh_N8CpcL0?t=900 in Rogal Dorn's flashback] before being headbutted to death by Horus. (''Shame on you if you don't know this super dude, so read his history now!'') In another episode, the Emperor takes the time to set the record straight that while Ollanius did, in fact, sacrifice himself for the Emperor, a Terminator and Custodes quickly followed suit in order to not be shown up by a mere mortal human. He was not amused by their transparent attempt to outshine Ollanius.
*'''[[Ciaphas Cain]]''': Commissar and Hero of the Imperium. He fully understands his entire existence is based on pure luck, lies and cowardice, though unlike his book version whose ability to never seem unnerved or let his lies slip is key to his entire career (and is hardly adverse to its benefits, if not its drawbacks...), here he's humorously morose and loudly gripes about his constant deceptions in private...but finds a kindred spirit in Marneus Calgar to share the pain. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRozBAIbaG4 Has his own merry jingle].
*'''[[Death Korps of Krieg]]''': As of the second voxcast, they can ''finally'' rest assured that the Emperor has personally forgiven them. What the Death Korps will do now that they've officially redeemed themselves remains to be seen, assuming they actually want to do something other than fight and die in battle. ( come on, you know it'll probably take another 2, maybe 3 millennia for the message to reach Krieg, due to, you know, Imperial Bureaucracy )
*'''[[Catachan Jungle Fighters]] (pronounced "Kata-kan")'''(by Straken, confusing everyone): Elaborated on in the first episode of "BRO TRIP 40,000: A Tale of Two Primarchs", being saved from a Slaaneshi Daemon invasion by the intervention of Vulkan and Corvus. Armed primarily only with knives (albeit some of the best knives in the universe due to the special Catachan metals) and basic clothing (shirts optional) in one of the most hazardous places in the universe, their survival and natural Space Marine-like physique provides a massive boost to the morale of the Imperium in a manner known as "marketability". Their culture is similar to that of Orks, measuring knife size to determine rank.
**'''Colonel "Iron Hands" Straken''': Leads the Catachan II regiment and is extremely good at guiding(tongue lashing)his troopers. Sly Marbo is also officially designated to the II regiment.
*'''[[Attilan Rough Riders]]''' Mongolian/Hun/Wide sweeping steppe based cavalry. Very superstitious (they try and kill Vulkan!) and hard to be completely converted by the Ecclesiarchy. As is typical of legendary guard regiments, they are brave and self-sacrificing. They can also pilot aircraft whilst still atop their horses (Some suspect the horses are the real pilots).
**'''Captain Mogul Kamir''': Leads the Attilan regiment who are going with the 'Friendship Force'. Likes drinking from the skulls of his fallen foes (a nod to Pre-Islamic Turk practices).
**'''The King of Khanasan''': Head of the Attilan Rough Riders and fellow skull-goblet enthusiast, to the point of draping his entire outfit in them. Voiced by Alfabusa himself.
**'''Starass''': The sole Astropath of the Attilans, and naturally an actual ass. Apparently, more than adequate enough for the Riders, though her language has no concept of the words "mass planetary destruction."

===Sisters of Battle===
*[[Ephrael Stern]]: The infamous Daemonifuge has finally reached the Black Library, but she's none too pleased with the Eldar's selection of food. [[-4_Str|Treads the path of the swole]]. She tells off Cegorach to his face, causing him to sulk off (incidentally allowing Custodisi and Wamuudes to enter the library). Goes with Magnus to help Eldrad birth Ynead.
*[[Saint Celestine]]: Greatest of the [[Living Saint]]s, always there to protect the Imperium and always reviving if she dies. First appears (in astral projection form) during the Battle at the Gate of Khaine, where she is apparently in on the [[Star Child]]'s plan and spirits away the soul of Dominique, who she describes as having fufuilled his duty to the Emperor. Later appears as the star of the "Salvation Through Annihilation" short, using her holy powers to deep-fry [[Ku'Gath]]. Her jolly mood is soured by the Sororitas present fangirling over her in a disgustingly creepy manner that makes the previously mentioned daemon of Nurgle seem pleasent in comparsion. After warping out, she is instructed by the (oddly drunk-sounding) voice-that-tells-her-to-go-places to head to [[Cadia]]. In the recent Sanguinala special, she was seen rescuing the Blood Angels on their homeworld of Baal, from a attempt by Chaos to end Sanguinala by Be'lakor. The Blood Angels are confused, as the Sanguinor is the one to usually save them. The two had swapped places at his suggestion for her to take a break, resulting in a very uncomfortable situation for the Blood Angels, and...Sanguinor being assaulted by the Sisters of Battle. Refers to the Sanguinor as her ‘stud’ and ‘boy toy’ and thinks of him as a shy sweetheart.
**In a deleted scene from the ''Behemoth'' triology, Celestine would have come down to aid the outnumbered sisters against the Swarmlord... which would have proceeded to kill her [[FAIL|over and over again]] and contribute absolutely nothing. Since the scene was unfunny and made the video way too long, Eliphas cut it out.

===Adeptus Mechanicus===
*'''Reimleiz the Theorist:''' An attendant techpriest whom the Emperor calls "random mechanicus guy". He was originally searching for a motorbike for Rogal Dorn to use, inside Jaghatai Khan's shed. As of the Black Templars podcast, Emps made him an Inquisitor and then commanded him to find out more about the Omega Vault. He was inexplicably on the floor at the time. Is incapable of making any statement without phrasing it as a question and is constantly asking himself trivial questions for no real reason (such as asking if legs are actually vehicles driven by tiny snotlings). Also has a penchant for slapping his cyberdong on toasters, which many mechanicus adepts around the system appear to be visibly fixated upon. As a sidenote he’s basically an avatar for [[https://m.youtube.com/user/remleiz|this YouTube channel]]
*'''Delphan Gruss''': A Magos Explorator (that originally appeared in the 54mm ''Inquisitor'' game) sent to Orior by the [[Adeptus Mechanicus|Admech]] to investigate the presence of an STC. He is very blunt and dismissive when dealing with "fleshbags", and does so while speaking with a German accent. His most remarkable feature, however, is a drill that replaces his right hand, which, predictably, makes him the butt of many [[anime]]-related jokes, much to his dismay.
*'''[[Belisarius Cawl]]''': He hasn't done anything to Gulliman (yet, anyway), but Rogal Dorn apparently did see him talking with Gulliman about something in the past. Apparently, he's not that great at keeping secrets, as there are rumors circulating about him working on [[Primaris Marines|something related to Thunder Warriors]] that even managed to reach the Imperial Palace. The Emperor understandably expects little to come from this (he will be completely surprised), expecting Cawl's work to be hindered by the Mechanicus' usual dogma. Finally shows up in Episode 28, and all of the personalities he's absorbed throughout the millennia talking through him have naturally driven him completely fucking insane.. He acts as the hitman for the Fabricator-General, who blackmails him about not scrapping his Primaris project if he kills the Custodes. Also speaks like the Master from Fallout 1. Lead the ambush against Little Kitten's ragtag team of Custodes. Is a very competent commander, min-maxing his robots to carry twin-linked phosphor blasters to annihilator a majority of the Shield-Host. Due to being responsible for Kitten's death, whether or not Cawl receives divine punishment beyond what even Horus got is yet to be seen but is probably destined to become the Emperor's next teeth fillings.

===The Inquisition===
After the Horus Heresy, a new proactive 'Intelligence' force was created: merge the KGB, Gestapo, CIA, MI6, Mossad with zealous religious belief and unlimited power and hey presto:
*'''Lord [[Inquisitor]] Fyodor <s>Karamazov</s> Krazypantsoff''': Inquisitor of the [[Ordo Hereticus]] and a colossal jerk even among inquisitors. When the Emperor disbanded the Inquisition, he went ballistic and led an entire crusade to Terra to purge what he thinks is heresy. Ended up in the Warp via Magnus for his troubles, after being trolled in a magnificent manner by being told he is a fragment of the Emperor. This was all [[Just As Planned|the Emperor's plan for sending out the message in the first place]], to lure in all the more destructive Inquisitors to get rid of them. He's not out of the game yet, though, and is determined to return to the Emperor. He has become substantially crazier after Leman Russ' Warp Survival lessons. Completely convinced he's the Emperor and seems to regret what a horrible father "he" was more than Emprah himself.
**'''Star-Fyodperor''': After a huge messy battle at Khaine's gate, Karamazov became the host of the Star Child. So basically he ''is'' the Emperor for real now. Apparently, the Star Child needed to possess someone extremely entitled and hypocritical like big E himself. Thanks to Star Child basically doing all the talking, planning, and overall thinking He now represents the kind, fatherly side of the Emperor that is sorely lacking from his throne-bound counterpart, complete with dad jokes. Unfortunately, this leaves the Fyodperor to being easy to deceive, lacking the ability to distrust that comes from millennia of cynicism and hate. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgVuQ_Fbs5g|Has one of the most noblebright awesome themes ever done for anything born from GeeDubs.]
[[Image:Domi.png|thumb|right|''"KILL THEM ALL, KILL THEM ALL!"'']]
*'''Dominique''': Voiced by Gonzo the Great. The techpriest Lexmechanic on Fyodor's Throne of Judgement. He comically makes fun of Fyodor on several occasions and generally breaks the serious atmosphere that the Lord Inquisitor tries to project. He also has a curious predilection for sandpaper cigarettes and a rapacious drug habit. Died inexplicably during the Inquisition's drunken rampage, most likely due to alcohol poisoning. It is never explained why Fyodor tolerated his nonsense for so long, but as Dominique regularly got away with sass sufficient to warrant a summary execution for a planetary governor, let alone a servitor, and Fyodor is not portrayed as being a particularly stable or calm individual, it's clear *something* was in play keeping Dominique employed and alive.
**Turns out he had a fate-bound duty to mold Fyodor into the Star Child's ideal host, an ill-tempered hypocrite with a god complex. He was allowed to see Fyodor one last time in exchange for that service, then got ferried to the afterlife by [[Saint Celestine]] her-holy-fucking-self to the tune of ten thousand fans weeping manly tears. His carcass is still perched on the Throne of Judgment, but most of the meat has rotted away by now. He's currently interred into a white-and-gold sarcophagus created when Fyodor became the Star Child's host.
[[Image:Mall.png|thumb|right]]
*'''Grand Master Elirush''': A Grey Knight Grand Master, who represents the Inquisition's Ordo Malleus. The most level-headed person in the group, who speaks with a smothered accent that Alfa masks as "waffles" (due to his VA being Eliphas, who is Belgian. If it isn't obvious, that's also the basis for his name). He attempted to avenge his fallen brothers who were killed by Kairos during the battle at Khaine's gate, but mistakenly attributed it to Skarbrand (much to the former's dismay). He was killed after inconveniencing Skarbrand, who despises such things.
[[Image:Here.png|thumb|right]]
*'''Inquisitor Adrielle Quist''': One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor whom you'd recognize if you've ever seen them. A Xeno fetishist, evidence suggests she is actually a tsundere for [[Genestealers]], and only dreams of being held in the strong, manly arms of her [[Extra heresy|Broodlord-kun]]. She appears to be the bad cop of the group with a short temper and a rough, Russian accent. She claims that the letter of disbanding inquisition was written by a genestealer cult under the Emperor's name. While stuck in the warp with Fyodor and the rest, she assaults [[Lord of Change]] Kairos Fateweaver after asking if he's a Genestealer, naturally not caring which of his heads answered "Yes". Even mentioning Genestealers in her presence causes her to fly into a berzerker rage. Later, during the Halloween special, she is apparently able to briefly manifest into realspace, similar to Kaldor Draigo, whenever someone mentions anything about Genestalers. She was last seen during the defense of Khaine's gate while intoxicated, where she mistakes Skarbrand for a Genestealer (further angering Skarbrand as he dislikes misinterpretations) and ascended after being killed by him.
[[Image:Xen.png|thumb|right]]
*'''Inquisitor Donklas''': One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor, who represents the Ordo Hereticus. He appears as an Inquisitor dressed in black and using a bolt pistol with a sight mount (which is exactly from the front cover of [[Dark Heresy]]). Don't let his soft-spoken tone fool you - this guy gets aroused at the thought of executing other people regardless of what they've done. He is in favor of the door-kicking-and-burning-building type of [[Exterminatus]], just like a medieval witch hunter. He is possibly the same Inquisitor as the one in the mask (who snickers arousedly at executing friendlies and wonders where the mask came from). He is so far the only Inquisitor who managed to survive the battle at Khaine's gate, mainly due to "enforcing discipline at the back". He is so far the only one of 3 main inquisitors who has survived up to this point.
*'''Inquisitor Javerticus''': An Ordo Hereticus Inquisitor and the most dedicated and charismatic of them all, and also an awesome singer and swordsman. Sadly, the Grey Knights don't seem to comprehend his awesomely dramatic greatness. Named after the [[Lawful Stupid|obsessive]] Inspector Javert (from Victor Hugo's ''Les Misérables'').
*'''[[Jokaero|Torquemada Coteaz]]''': One of the Inquisitors who joined Fyodor's assault into the Imperial Palace. He shows up after Fyodor's forces was blocked off by a force of loyal Ecclesiarchy priests led by Decius in the palace, but breaches their defenses by throwing a barrel of Jokaero at the defenders. This plan causes Fyodor to lose any respect for him, which solicits a disheveled response from Torquemada, [[Awesome|telling him to get off his Throne of Judgement and tell him to his face or use his multi-melta to do what he's too pathetic to]]. Fyodor backs off and lets him leave. So far he appears to be the only sane Inquisitor, snarling at Fyodor to not execute the Emperor for whatever offense he may pull out of his ass. He's also busy with [[The Lord Inquisitor|making a film]], which is why he didn't stay to see Fyodor's plans go to the Warp.
*'''[[Militarum Tempestus|Tempestus Scions]]''' - A hapless squad of Inquisitorial Stormtroopers comprised of Scions: Grant, Valentine, Matilda, Stuart, and led by Tempestor Cromwell. They constantly bicker between each other due to Stuart's pessimism, Matilda's blind optimism, and Grant's panicky disposition, but is constantly held in-line by Tempestor Cromwell. They're seen during the battle at Khaine's Gate, where they're all surprised that they've somehow survived, despite their [[Taurox]] roadblock being destroyed and the Grey Knights being slaughtered.
**Coincidentally ([[Just as Planned|or not]]), they're all named after Allied [[tank]]s from World War II (probably not, what with their thick English accents, and Matilda's preoccupation with "tankyness.").
*'''Inquisitor Headsmash''': Hangs around on a ship in low orbit waiting for heresy to occur. Has a heavily reinforced Exterminatus button which he gets a LOT of use from - as the name implies, he hits it repeatedly using his head. Has the enviable talent of hearing heresy from orbit. He was about to retire after his 40,000th straight Exterminatus, but due to Draigo, he got sent to Commorragh along with his entourage (which includes a Jokaero and his Exterminatus button). Was the only one in the assembly to resist the fyodperor's psychic persuasion.
*'''Ex-Inquisitor Kryptman''': It's a bit weird that this guy is hanging around since all the other Inquisitors hate him, but whatever. Considered too violent and too hypocritical for the Inquisition, as amazing as that achievement is, he is nonetheless really good at his job; claims he's even able to survive against Eldar mind games by seeing through the truth being disguised as a lie, knowing full well that the humans will assume it's a lie while knowing the Eldar are lying about telling the truth about lying. Also carries a pimpin' cane with a gun in it.
*'''Inquisitor Obiwan Sherlock Clousseau''': Yep, he appears in episode 26 part 2! He's from a more [[Warhammer 40,000: Rogue Trader|'jovial' time of early 40K]].

===General Populace of the Imperium ('Plebs')===
*'''Little Billy''': A running gag character in the series. His appearance is a psychic child who made himself a crude power-armor costume using cardboard boxes, with Alfabusa's grey and blue livery for colors. The gag about him is that Billy is constantly subjected to lethal/traumatizing events, yet still survives to appear again, leading to a joke that he is actually a perpetual. So far he's been: run over by a space marine attack bike, kidnapped and thrown into a Dark Eldar slave pit ''twice'', and implied to have been molested by Lucius after contacting him using a psychic link and suddenly appearing before him, then hunted across the cosmos by Lucius during Slaaneshmas, and hammered in the face by a Deathwatch member before almost getting eaten by Tyranids in [https://youtu.be/mabM64rAd4k?t=25m32s Behemoth]. He's also apparently talked to the High Lords at least once, since the Grand Provost Marshal hallucinates him. To date, the only good thing to happen to him is Sly Marbo rescuing him from the Dark Eldar after some internal deb-'''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA'''-ting.
*'''The citizens of Hive World Purgatory''': Originally appearing in Alfa's Upper Hive games, hive world Purgatory appears a few times in the series proper. Its citizens are extremely idiotic and prone to murdering each other over the slightest suspicion. It's also been the victim of a recent Crotch Rot epidemic, and multiple Genestealer invasions.
*'''The Citizens Of The Imperium''': In special episodes where the Emperor answers mail from citizens of the Imperium (most of which is questions asked by watchers of the series), Loyalist humanity plus an odd Xeno or Chaos entity ask questions of him. These are supposed to be sorted by ''Little Kitten'' and later Magnus as well, but quite a few stupid ones get through to the point that without the aid of the cuddly Centurion, the Emperor's frustration causes Warpstorms which obliterate chunks of the universe.
*'''Detective Bruce Norring''': Appears in the Halloween specials. With most of the Inquisition missing, Bruce is put on the case of chasing down shady heretics on hive world Purgatory, [[Lovecraft|Innsmouth-style]], before unwittingly uncovering a Genestealer cult and nearly made into a genehost - only to get saved by a completely sloshed Inquisitor Quist from the warp.
*'''Hobo Guardsman''': also known as "Hobo-chan." Like Billy, he exists to be traumatized by the grim darkness of the universe. First he becomes an unwilling recipient of Lucius' charity efforts, that being a sandwich made from ''"freshly milked [[daemonette]] [[trap|milk]]"'', then later he gets harassed by the [[Adeptus Arbites]] for adding rat meat to his rations to make them more edible. Fed up with the bullshit, he decides to join Chaos, getting warped away before his planet is destroyed by Exterminatus. He was later seen smashed by Lucius during the Slaaneshmas Special, and then spotted in the Webway with the Ultramarines, and later again spotted in the Imperial Dungeons with the Shadowkeepers; and, on top of fucking that, was seen near the end of Part 1 of Hateful Feud running away as Karamazov was becoming Fyodper. Last seen in the Throne Room, running away as Magnus threw a temper tantrum after being trolled by the Provost Marshal for not reading the rules of Fantasy Roleplay.
*'''Tour Guide''': A guy who gives tours of the Imperial Palace. He gets summoned(dragged) into the throne room and abruptly told by the Emperor to read the names of a bunch of Dark Eldar weapons without any given reason, which he does without hesitation. He may read other lists later. He appears to be some sort of psyker as he could sense Magnus' return before he teleported into the throne room. He is able to bitch-slap Wamuudes to the floor without even looking. Poor guy is also losing his sanity due to all the batshit craziness happening around him. Recently debated with the Emperor himself over whether or not he was capable of feeling sorrow towards his subjects and sons were they to die to which Big E replies in a fittingly lucid way. However the Emperor is proven wrong as to his assumption he'd be indifferent at the death of a subject as he falls into such despair at the Good Golden Banana's death he almost splits Terra in half with the only thing stopping him being Rogal Dorn in his trusty Centurion suit.

===Eldar===
After the Eldar Collapse, these Eldar decided that unlimited Lust and Violence wasn't a positive influence to their souls and thus became elfy space-monks, all calm and serene until they decide to fight then its elfy warrior-monks!.
*'''[[Eldrad]] Ulthran:''' Eldar Farseer of Craftworld Ulthwé who is one of the biggest dicks in the Galaxy. Is preparing to do pretty much exactly what he ends up doing in Gathering Storm. Tried to convince Asdrubael Vect to distract the Imperium while he attempts to awaken [[Ynnead]], but to no avail. Apparently, he's already contacted Cypher at least once before and seeks to do the same with "the Machine-man from Mars" (most likely Cawl). Magnus and custodisi have been sent to assist them.
*'''[[Cegorach]]''': The Laughing God, shown guarding the Black Library. He encounters Ahriman trying to enter and forcefully boots him out after a bit of trolling. Cegorach has his own spectral audience that laughs at his jokes, and even a voice that adds '''[BAZINGA.]''' to his punchlines. He is plotting the demise of the [[Flesh Eaters]] for saying his Harlequins are in poor taste. In both meanings of the word. Recently he challenged Magnus to a comedy battle where he made use of horribly outdated memes to win laughs from the Harlequin audience including a Skyrim reference of all things. Had to call it a tie though since Magnus was committing verbal suicide through self-deprecation humor. Also has one of the most badass theme songs in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzWsLaolyLw&ab_channel=StringStorm%E2%80%8C existence] .
*'''[[Isha]]''': Despite being a kidnapping victim initially, Isha is now (due to Stockholm Syndrome) in a “loving” relationship with Nurgle. She Thinks Tzeentch is annoying and hates Slaanesh, mocking the former and encouraging Nurgle to plague the latter, Preferably with something that doesn’t kill her but shuts off her senses.
*'''[[Khaine]]''': Disappointed and annoyed by all the young Gods around him, sounds like an old man beat-down by life. He mostly hangs out in the warp chat and goes to the gym with Khorne.

===Dark Eldar===
The true descendants after the collapse of the Eldar Empire. There are A LOT of Dark Eldar living in their webway city of Commorragh and with access to a ton of lethal weaponry, its impractical to invade their realm without leaving yourself open to other forces’ attacks.
*'''[[Asdrubael Vect]]:''' Dark Eldar leader who is another one of the biggest dicks in the Galaxy. Is completely disinterested if not mildly amused/irritated with Eldrad's plans and his insistence on dragging him in; believing both Eldrad's visions and Ynnead to be utter nonsense unworthy of his time after 10,000 years worth of pessimistic doomsaying. He appears to have plans of his own that seem to involve Leman Russ, Karamazov, and/or Kaldor Draigo, who emerge from the Gate of Khaine just as he finishes his conversation with Eldrad. As it turns out, it involved shocking the Star-Fyodperor (which he was able to deduct almost immediately) with a surprise betrayal that the emotions that emanate almost supercharge Vect and Rakarth. Has a habit of setting up violent, hedonistic parties before gassing all the guests (including all rivals) after he leaves early.
*'''[[Lady Malys]]:''' Vect's bitter ex (don't say that to her face, though) who wants to take over Commorragh because "Vect's a prick." Seems to have been taken over by Cegorach, which is not surprising given real lore had her conduct heart transplant surgery on herself with Cegorach's crystal heart. Also French. [[Magical Realm|Sexily]] so.
*'''[[Archon Tahril]]:''' An Archon who originally appeared in ''[[Dawn of War]]: Soulstorm'' as the leader of the Black Heart Cabal in Kaurava and Vect's former subordinate after the whole raid ended in a failure. He is reluctantly under Malys' employment and passive-aggressively lets her know whenever he has to talk to her. He deals with her personality quirks reluctantly. Is also secretly an agent of the C'tan known as the Deceiver.
*'''[[Urien Rakarth]]:''' The personification of torture, currently under Vect's employ. It's revealed that it was he who visited the Golden Throne that one time, which makes Dorn panic and attempt to re-install the entire palace.

===Adversaries===
*'''[[Abaddon the Despoiler]]''': Has yet to personally appear in the series, but has so far has been contacting various Chaos Champions [[Black Crusade|to attend to their 14th annual party]]. He will ALSO be voiced by the aforementioned Takahata101 (Nappa and [[Hellsing|'''THE CRIMSON FUCKER''']]) of Team Four Star fame.
*'''[[Fulgrim]]''': Has yet to personally appear in the series, but appears to have already joined Abaddon in his plans. He makes his appearance as the person who called Lucius to get him to join Abaddon. Based on the [[Vulkan|current]] [[Corvus Corax|trend]], it wouldn’t be too surprising if he, too, can see Ferrus Manus’s ghost, especially considering he was the one who ''killed him'' and all that.
*'''The Gods of [[Chaos|<s>Chaos</s> <s>Choas</s> <s>Chaos</s> <s>Choas</s> <s>Chaos</s> <s>Choas</s> chaos]]''': The gods here are less chaotic than their canon counterparts. More-or-less they just sit around and talk to each other, the way they did prior to the Emperor showing up and making plans to wreck their collective shit.
**[[Tzeentch]] is a petty schoolyard bully/prankster who also likes to engage in pointlessly overthought pseudo-philosophy. He also plays Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth-Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker, shamelessly abusing an [[Yu-Gi-Oh#Archetype|Empty Jar]] deck made [[WAAC|ALMOST ENTIRELY FROM BANNED CARDS]]. So far, he is the most prominently featured of the Chaos Gods. Tzeentch lurks behind the Gate of Morkai, fucking with the aspirants sent through by Space Wolves priests; if they're to be believed, he's done something involving "wolf tits" at least once, and [[Wat|Emprah only knows how we're supposed to interpret that]]. Despite his behavior he does genuinely care for his son, Magnus.
**[[Slaanesh]] is a hyperactive masochistic camwhore who steals from Khorne and trolls him and others with sexual innuendos. Nobody likes it because it ruins everything.
**[[Khorne]] is the only half-way normal Chaos God (if that term could ever be applied to the Gods), who is often heard screaming at Slaanesh for being a creepy whore. Has a fairly good relationship with Khaine, though, and they work out together at the gym - he never skips leg day, unlike the Emperor. Ironically, despite being the most prominently featured Chaos God in canon, he's made far fewer on-screen appearances than the other Gods.
**[[Nurgle]] is the only one actually doing any scheming. Has a voice that's really hard to understand without subtitles, Probably because of all of the diseases he’s infected with, and is more focused on his waifu Isha than actually doing anything. When he's upset, he known to release extremely potent [[Wikipedia:Tinea cruris|Crotch]] [[Wikipedia:Candidal intertrigo|Rot]] on Hive-Worlds, which is as nasty as it sounds.The emperor was on the receiving end of said crotch rot, as well as an eternally itchy nose, despite not having one.
**[[Malal]] makes several short appearances, conversing with the various gods on Spacebook where he declares he will ruin everyone once he becomes canon again by escaping the "Retconnian" (a dimension where the Squats, Horus' soul, Sanguinnius’ soul and other things that don't exist anymore are banished to) and a second time is shown to exist in a pocket outside canon where he is able to influence things that are canon in subtle ways using the [[Dark Heresy|"Tyrant Star", a wandering sun that gives off black light and incites anarchy, chaos, and mutation on whatever planet it shines on]]. It appears that his obsession to become canon is a harmful one, as Horus and a Squat talk him down from his attempts and console him when he breaks down crying about his futile attempts.
**The [[Great Horned Rat]] appears as a joke to cancel Slaaneshmas forever due to Slaanesh getting demoted in Age of Sigmar and announces "Great Horned Rat Day" as its replacement. Enjoys mocking "non-existent" lesser Chaos Gods and seems to be incapable of not breaking the fourth wall. Coughs near-constantly.
**[[Necoho]]?: Never been seen and hasn't been named, but Magnus has mentioned the existence of a chaos god of unbelief who was created by Emperor's attempts to wipe out all religion. If not for the Horus Heresy, Emperor would have become its champion or avatar. Since atheism is so rare in the galaxy now, it most likely is dead or too weak to be relevant.
*'''[[Lucius the Eternal]]''': Slaanesh's premier champion, who sounds like what would happen if Mickey Mouse turned to Slaanesh and became a drag queen in the process (his first appearance is a direct reference to [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYQCYA7rvXk this]). First shown fucking up some Imperial Guardsmen (in all senses of the word) with his warband, laughing like a maniac all the while. He then got a call from Fulgrim, inviting him and his band to join one of Abaddon's [[Black Crusade|"huge parties"]], which he accepted. His absolutely creepy portrayal in the series is quickly becoming one of the scariest (and most enjoyable) things in the franchise, sorta an impressive achievement. Runs a prank show in his spare time, and posts the results to Spacebook (it is unknown If piccolo has seen said results). Also planned the 'Slaaneshmas' holiday event, which is broadcast to the whole universe to spread goodwill to humans and overall death to xeno species. Lucius makes a great holo vid host.
*'''[[Ahzek Ahriman]]''': Most powerful sorcerer of the [[Thousand Sons]]. Appears in a short scene where he finally gets access to the [[Black Library]], only to be dicked with, and eventually booted out by [[Cegorach]]. Decided to quit trying to get into the Black Library for a while and take a break, but decided against the latter after being summoned by Abaddon for the Black Crusade. Teamed up with Lucius for Slaaneshmas for the shits and giggles. So far appears to the only rational Chaos Space Marine, acting as a snarky straight man to the antics of the others. On a side-note, he [[Old Man Henderson|huffs grimoires of Big Bad Jujus]], which impresses Lucius. He apparently wants to murder the stars as he finds them too bright for his taste. At the end, he gives a speech about how despite the different worldviews, both sides are still humans and offers the Imperium to have one day per year when instead of killing each other, both sides would have a ceasefire and unite to exterminate aliens instead. Imperials were oddly receptive to that idea...
*'''[[Typhus]]''': Chaos Lord of the [[Death Guard]]. Has the voice of Gilbert Gottfried, with a Strong resemblance to the voice of Real life Comedian Norm McDonald, or Gilbert Gottfried, which he uses to read [[Squad Broken|erotic fanfiction]] for Lucius. Like the other chaos champions, he's been summoned by Abaddon for the Black Crusade. Later shows up to the Slaaneshmas Special to talk about his latest book, which is just his own shit smeared on every page.
*'''[[Kharn|Khârn the Betrayer]]''': The most infamous Khornate Berserker in the World Eaters. He has yet to appear directly in the show; Lucius invited him by Vox to the Slaaneshmas special but only received angry grunts in reply, leading Lucius to believe Angron picked up instead. Apparently, Lucius also mixed up his contact info with Sly Marbo at one point.
*'''[[Huron Blackheart]]''': We cannot confirm his appearance in the series proper, but it appears that he is with [[Abaddon]] in the Season 3 intro, perhaps pointing to an alliance of sorts. Why in the all the names of Chaos he is there, only Alfa (or maybe his voice actor) know.
*'''[[Fabius Bile|<strike>Fabius</strike> <strike>FABULOUS Bile</strike> Bob]]''': Joins in on Lucius' and Ahriman's Slaaneshmas special to announce that he's starting a solo Black Crusade to show up that man-baby Abbadon. Is triggered very seriously if called Bob. He's clearly insane, insisting that a solo Black Crusade means doing things on his own, which even Lucius thought was crazy, not helped by Bile following up by boasting he can clone anyone. He showed off an abomination of a clone of Ahriman (which psychically self-destructed) during the Slaaneshmas Special. Naturally, Ahriman was horrified and disgusted and even Lucius was disturbed.
*'''[[Miriael Sabathiel]]''': The infamous Chaos Sororita shows up, only to get dismissed everywhere she goes and not be taken seriously. Upon learning it was Slaaneshmas, she dons a Santa hat and joins the fun. Earlier, she was in a bad mood for being talked down by a captured Inquisitor (before she beheaded him in frustration), lamented the lost opportunity to torment him, and was enraged at some Noise Marines' amusement at her situation.
*'''The [[Tyranid]] Hivemind''': Attempted to hijack the Chaos Gods' warpchat, but was kicked after too many synapses attempted connections. The Emperor claims that talking to the Tyranid Hivemind is like talking to a herd of hungry sheep. Everyone in the Warp is trying to get rid of it because it’s annoying to them. It also sent a psychic message to Inquisitor Kryptman showing him its face… Or rather mouth.
*'''[[The Masque]]''': A Slaaneshi Daemonette. First appears in BRO TRIP 40,000: A Tale of Two Primarchs while attacking Catachan, apparently because an ample muscle harvest (shaped into Slaanesh's symbol) would please Slaanesh enough to end her (yes, a canon her) eternal damnation to unending dancing. After Corvus Corax batmans her she flees, due to their artificial muscles being displeasing to Slaanesh and fighting them not being worth potential banishment back to the Warp. Her motives lead her and an army of Daemonettes to the battle for the Gate of Khaine, where she implies some familiarity with Kaldor Drago before trying to bring him down, only to fail spectacularly.
*'''[[Skarbrand]]''': A "renegade" Khornate Bloodthirster; Khorne officially disowned him after he attempted to kill the Chaos God with a strike to the back, but still recognizes his talents. Skarbrand appears in the Warp Hijinks special as a victim of a ding-dong-ditch prank by Leman Russ and Fyodor. He refers to himself exclusively in the third person and, being a Bloodthirster, [[RAGE|hates literally everything]] (it didn't help that all emotions besides anger were throttled out of him by Khorne); when faced with the prospect being outside or inside after being pranked, he actually remains in the doorframe, which he hates '''''slightly''''' less. He later joins the Chaos Undivided daemon horde that assaulted Khaine's gate as it was being opened by the Inquisition's forces, where he further espouses his hatred against everything. Such as named characters, some of whom he fucking murders. Extremely open and vocal about his feelings, funnily enough. {{BLAM|SKARBRAND '''HATES''' MISCONCEPTIONS!}}
*'''[[Kairos Fateweaver]]''': A Tzeentchian Lord of Change. He still has two heads and the second, mottled one will constantly contradict the 'dominant' head while speaking (which Kairos neither seems to address nor notice). First appears during Russ and crew's rampage throughout the Warp, where he tries his usual "Knights and Knaves" shtick on Inquisitor Adrielle Quist - but since she's drunk, not listening and mistakes him for a Genestealer, he gets one of his faces fucked up for his troubles, and holds an eternal grudge against her due to that. Kairos reappears during the battle at Khaine's Gate, where he tries his damnedest to get even with Quist, but had to "settle" for destroying most of the Grey Knights, but his work was mistakenly attributed to Skarbrand, much to his eternal dismay. Funnily enough, he does more damage to Skarbrand than any of the Imperials completely by accident: Kairos' psyker powers hit Skarbrand while he fought Inquisitor Quist, his grudge briefly turning him into a [[Kharn|team-killing fucktard.]] Despite this, considering the rules Kairos follows (in official lore, his heads randomly switch which one lies and which one tells the truth, but one lying means the other must be truthful), that he can tell the future, and that the normally truthful head said "I will have my revenge" (which he didn't) while the normally lying head claimed to love Skarbrand... Kairos actually really does love Skarbrand.
*'''[[Epidemius]]''': A Nurglite Plaguebearer. Fitting for a daemon of Nurgle, he's incredibly polite even under duress, and cares significantly about the loss of his fellow daemons. First appears during Russ and crew's rampage throughout the Warp, where he was pelted into submission with hundreds of bars of soap and a bathtub. He later appears during the battle at Khaine's Gate with a retinue of [[Plaguebearers]], and was enraged when one of them was killed by the Deathwatch. He later commanded a charge against them that ended with most of the Deathwatch being slaughtered, while Wilford and Calato, the only survivors were forced to retreat.
*'''The [[C'tan]]''': The Necron's star gods seem to be wedging their way back into current affairs after being turned into [[Pokemon]] by their servants. Of all of them, only The Deceiver has made an appearance so far, the rest being confined to the paper puppet flashbacks (except when Decius brought up The Nightbringer when he was convincing the Ecclesiarchy that [[The Emperor|Easy-E]] isn't a god).
**[[The Deceiver]], when not playing Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker with the Emperor and pals, seems to be [[Just As Planned|pulling strings]] all around the Materium. Has a special interest in stopping Kaldor Draigo from returning to realspace. Presumably, because he would become the avatar of Matt Ward, the <strike>[[Malal|Fifth]]</strike> Sixth god of Choas, and bring utter ruination to the material realm before the C'tan can bring utter ruination to the material realm. Also, it turns out the Deceiver created the Tyranids.
*'''Clancy''': The traitor menial of an Imperial Cruiser who wants to kill a Primarch, and is obnoxiously polite and civil about the entire affair. His plans fail when Vulkan, Corax and all the other ~~important~~ characters survive the shipwreck he engineered and capture him; his backup plan (Exterminatus via some "pals" dropping a Virus bomb on Attila from orbit) ends up similarly falling short, though he does escape captivity. He later returns as a high-ranking Boardmember of Jopall's government, and through pulling some strings and making a contract that Corvus signs, entraps the party on the planet through debt. Makes his escape shortly before Corvus bursts in the room leading an army of rebelling Guardsmen.

=== Others ===

*'''[[Horus|FUCKING HORUS]]''': Appears in the April Fool's episode, where he breaks into the Emperor's throne room and incapacitates him. The Emperor declares Horus can't win because he's all alone, but says he isn't as he gathered allies while he was clawing his way out of The Warp, all of whom are some of the dead/retconned/obscure characters in the fluff: [[The Beast]] (an Ork who waged one of the most successful WAAAGH!s in human history), [[Goge Vandire]] (the man responsible for the worst chapter in Imperial history after the Horus Heresy), [[Sindri Myr]], the Megarachnids (a footnote insectoid race in the fluff, who were hunted to extinction by the Astartes in the Great Crusade), the [[Squats]] (we all ''know'' who they are), [[Herman von Strab]] (one of the most inept commanders the Imperium has ever seen, who met his end in the 3rd War of Armageddon), the [[Old Ones]], the Techno-Barbarians of olden Terra, 3ED [[Carnifex|Old One Eye]] and [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kXU14hkuSI SLY MARBOOO!] (*cue explosions*) He subsequently declares himself as the new Emperor. Later appeared for real in the second Q&A in the "Retconnian" with Malal and the Squats, and calms Malal's tantrum like a parent consoling a child.
*'''[[Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka]]''': Currently beating up the Overfiend of Octarius, as in official lore. It's still unknown where Ghazzy's gonna fit into things, though it will likely be to assemble all Orks into a single Great WAAAGH!! Also seems to love making bad jokes.
[[Image:Cyph.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Cypher]]''': He has a very vague, mysterious plot involving the planet Orior and its STCs. This seems to take place not long after the [[Fallen_Angels#Ophidium Gulf Crusade Incident|Ophidium Gulf Crusade Incident]], as the Dark Angels managed to locate him by tracking his ship. He also seems to be skilled at disguise, as he manages to just waltz right into the Thunderhawk behind Azrael without any further comment. He's on his way towards Mars with the Dark Angels. Sicced the Dark Angels on The Fabricator General for a prank video
*'''[[Gork]] and [[Mork]] (or was it Mork and Gork?)''': The two Ork gods. They're a couple of dumbfucks who argue with each other in other people's conversations on Spacebook, with Gork not actually knowing he's using the Interwarp and trying to figure out how to use it while already on it.

[[Image:Text Marines.jpg|thumb|right]]
[[Image:Eliphas.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Felinids]]''': [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUuvHPr4BGk The ultimate let-down.] Possible inspiration for the news Cats film.
*'''[[Necron]]s''': They appear initially in a mini-episode by Karl. Necrons all speak with low-quality Text to Speech devices, except for the Lords who can afford higher quality devices. (Wait, does this mean the Emperor's communicator is technically Xenotech?) Shennanigans ensue when an unnamed Necron Lord discovers that his lowly minions can't pronounce certain things, so now all necrons make roflcopter sounds as their war cries. '''SOI SOI MOTHERFUCKER'''
*'''[[Stormcast Eternals|Ground Marines]]''': Introduced as a short spoof episode after the release of [[Age of Sigmar]], a group of Ultramarines determined to bring their superior selves to the service of [[Sigmar|"other Emperors"]] enter a portal and come out transformed as Stormcast Eternals, their appearance crushing a small group of [[The Empire (Warhammer Fantasy)|Empire]] Flagellants. Text then appeared expressing condolences for [[Warhammer Fantasy]] fans. Although non-canon, it's a jab at Games Workshop's need to crowbar Space Marines everywhere ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-MzNpMD1K8 as the Stormcast Eternals largely resemble the Space Marines]. Heck, their posterboy group even takes after [[Ultramarines|The Greatest Of Them All]] with the blue, white, and gold color scheme).
*'''[[Eliphas The Inheritor]]''': Makes a cameo in the second Q&A episode having sent a letter to the Emperor saying "Dear Corpse Emperor, Furk You." The episode then cuts to him laughing manically thinking he's so clever before the Emperor psychically punches him, promptly shutting him up.

*'''Ahriman 2.0''': [[Fabius Bile]]'s horribly disfigured clone of Ahzek Ahriman which he unveiled in the Slaaneshmas special, much to Lucius and the original Ahriman's horror. Fabius claimed it was a "work-in-progress", something which caused the clone to become so enraged that it psychically self-destructed moments after.
*'''The [[Angry Marines]]''': ''Might'' exist in the TTS-verse, but nobody knows for sure. "Angry Marines" was a popular answer in a poll on which loyalist chapter best embodies the concept of hatred, but nobody in the Imperial Palace knows who this might be referring to, and it was speculated that it may simply be a nickname. Either way, they were beaten by several other chapters, most notably the Black Templars and the [[Marines Malevolent]].
*'''[[Hassan]]''': First appeared in the Chaos Descends series attempting to sell camels to two of the main characters in the middle of nowhere, eventually convincing them to put up flyers for his business as a form of payment. He later appears in the main series, apparently having sold camels to the Ultramarines at some point.

*'''Voldorius''': An unfortunate Daemon Prince which got the attention of the Pillarstodes after reading about him in one of the books they got from the Black Library. They along with the Emperor and Rogal Dorn publicly mock him for being completely ineffective and incompetent to the point of having to rely on his subordinates to do everything for him.
*'''Uriah Olathaire:''' Yes, its the old man that the Emprah had a theological debate during [[The Last Church]]. His soul was summoned from The Warp by The Emperor, who was horrified that he turned into a Chaos worshiper. Ironically he is perfectly sane despite following Chaos. Unlike their first encounter, this time he actually IS a theologian and can shut down the Emperor's rather sophomoric arguments easily. He worships Chaos Undivided and paints them in a more neutral, legitimately non-malevolent light, highlighting how humanity needs Chaos to stay human and how Chaos needs humanity to continue to exist, making it a mutually-beneficial relationship. He originally wanted to justify the existence of Chaos, but due to the Emprah being a dick; he got fed up and instead started calling him on the hypocrisy of his Imperium and his ideals, such as his constant use of religious iconography and terms (despite wanting a secular empire), essentially doing the same thing old terran religions did to propagate their influence (although with a higher death count), among other things. He was eventually banished back into The Warp after dissing the holiness of the taco.
*'''Alfa Legion:''' Some of the creator's 40k self-inserts into 40K appear in Episode 10 after Emps makes an oddly specific remark about how "THERE COULD EVEN BE CHAPTERS CONSORTING AND ACCEPTING BOTH XENOS AND CHAOS WORSHIPPERS INTO THEIR RANKS. MAYBE EVEN CHAPTERS SO FUCKING RECLUSIVE AND HISTORICALLY INEPT THAT THEIR MERE EXISTENCE SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A DISGUSTINGLY HORRIBLE AND SHITTY FANFICTION." Taking the main TTS reaction thread into consideration, '''EMPS WAS ONE OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''' Currently have their souls contained in a box owned by Magnus, while [[Indrick Boreale|Boreale]] and [[Apollo Diomedes|Diomedes]] have become Magnus' idiot pets.
*'''Asterion Moloc:''' [[Minotaurs]] Chapter Master who appears briefly towards the end of the Slaaneshmas special, pwning a Tau with a Chaos Terminator.

==The Order of The Primarchs' Returns==
During the season 3 intro, the silhouettes the miniatures of all the primarchs seems to appear in the order they will first enter the show, as the order roughly corresponds with their actual in-series appearances so far, though this may just be the order of their apearances, not the order in which they return...

* [[Rogal Dorn]] - Around since the beginning of the series, although we don't find out it's Dorn until Episode 20.
* [[Magnus]] - Pops up in Episode 13 after being captured by the Ultrasmurfs.
* [[Vulkan]] - Returns after Cato Sicarius delivers the remaining Lost Artifacts of Vulkan in Episode 20.
* [[Leman Russ]] - Appears in the Warp in Episode 21, after Magnus banished the Inquisitors there in Episode 18.
* [[Corvus Corax]] - Can be heard attempting to get out of a building on Nocturne at the End of Episode 21, and appears in person during Episode 25.
* [[Ferrus Manus]]- Appears as a <s>'brainghost'</s> SKHOST in Vulkan's head when Vulkan returns at the beginning of Episode 20. Vulkan claims in the Bro Trip spinoff that he isn't the real Ferrus.
* [[Lion El'Jonson]] - Not yet featured, but Rogal Dorn might know where he is. Then again, maybe not. This IS The Lion we're talking about after all. Taking current events into consideration, he maybe awakening soon.
* [[Jaghatai Khan]] - Talked about extensively in Episode 24 and the White Scar podcast. The Ultramarines are on the rescue! Appears on a bike in Commorragh in Episode 29.
* [[Angron]] - Hasn't appeared in person, though Lucius mentions he and Kharn may be out on business.
* [[Perturabo]] - Hasn't appeared in person, but was prominently featured in a flashback in Episode 24.
* [[Lorgar]] - given a roasting in Episode 2, but nothing of note since then.
* [[Mortarion]] - A couple of jokes have been made at his expense, but he has yet to appear except in a brief flashback where he fell down the stairs.
* [[Fulgrim]] - Hasn't appeared in person, although he did contact Lucius the Eternal to inform him about Abbadon's 13th Black Crusade.
* [[Alpharius]] & [[Omegon]] - Emps refers to them as if they are one person.
* [[Konrad Curze]] - A few mentions, but it is safe to assume Konrad may not reappear in the current era. Emps briefly flashes back to a decision Konrad made that unwittingly starts off the whole Inquisition tyranny; a small portion of his appearance is seen during this flashback.
* [[Roboute Guilliman]] - No appearances, although occasionally referred to in the form of The Emperor demanding his life support being cut off. Hilarious in hindsight, given the events of Gathering Storm.
* [[Sanguinius]] - appeared in vision form during the Flesh Eater short and was spoken of at the end of the second Q&A, Episode 18.5 (may or may not consider the Sanguinor appearing as his first appearance)
* [[Horus]] - No appearances in the main series, although he has been seen in the April Fools and the second Q&A.
* The two missing Primarchs are asked about once but the emperor simply states "We don't talk about those guys"

==Main Theme Lyrics==
'''WE ARE THE GODS OF THE NEW WORLD ORDER.'''

'''WE ARE THE SOLDIERS, THE LEGION OF LIGHT.'''

'''WE ARE THE CENTER, THE DEATH OF THE SUN (SON).'''

'''FIRE AND FLAME.'''

'''WE ARE ONE.'''

(excerpt credit: Triarii - We Are One)

==Trivia==
* The Emperor's motivation for creating the Human Webway was obtaining [[Love Can Bloom|Eldar prostitutes]], and was afraid the Primarchs would [[Penitent Engine|tie him up]] [[Inquisition|if they heard about it]]. The other benefits were an afterthought.
* The Emperor's nose is plagued by a phantom-itch, courtesy of Nurgle. Tzeentch <s>believes</s> Believed the frustration will cause him to explode, destroying humanity and causing him to become a new Chaos God. He has since realize that the emperor is resigned to this. And as back up gave magnus the suggestion seen below.
* The Emperor firmly believes in Taco Friday, whereas Dorn believes in Taco Tuesday. This disagreement causes a minor civil war (A.K.A. the TTS-Version of the Dornian Heresy). Magnus ups the ante by believing that [[Warp|Taco ''Tuesday'' should be on ''Friday'']].
* The Emperor (officially) did not create any [[Female Space Marines]] because "girls are yucky." It is implied the real reason he didn’t is because Slaanesh ruined the idea.
* The Emperor's left eye was accidentally poked out by Rogal Dorn's iron halo while attaching him to the Golden Throne. However, in older depictions of the Emperor's duel with Horus, it was one of the wounds inflicted upon him (he also broke many bones, burned the Emperor's hair, poisoned him, etc.).
* Some of the Emperor's previous personas included Moses, Michael Jackson, Robert Downey Jr., and [[Chris-Chan]]. All these, especially the latter shows just how much of a troll Big E is.
* The Emperor's shattered psyche can access knowledge of the 4th wall. This is not always available.
* The Emperor approves of the Tau in theory, although in practice only those willing to engage in melee. So basically just the [[Farsight|Farsight Enclaves]].
* In fact, the Emperor is fine with tolerating any xenos that aren't a threat to mankind. Absolute eradication is unnecessary if regulation suffices.
* Despite his intentions for the Imperial Truth involving suffocating the Chaos Gods, the Emperor's attempts at atheism were in fact making [[Necoho|an actual god of disbelief]]... according to Magnus.
* The Emperor can shape the [[Astronomicon]] so that he can flip the bird to the rest of the galaxy.
* Has a known hobby: Plays a children's card game (Yu-Gi-Oh) with a clearly cheesy, overpowered and unfair deck... that, like most [[cheese]], was destroyed as soon as it came across a hard counter. [[Horus Heresy|Apparently Emprah still hasn't learnt the lesson about why using OP stuff is a very bad idea.]] It later turns out that Tzeentch is the only person he can play with. Tzeentch's deck is similarly cheesy, but relies more on combos. Both of them also make heavy use of banned cards and have a rather... loose grasp on the actual rules.
* The Emperor has called for a second Council of Nikea. This one has nothing to do with Magnus; ironically, it's centered on the Space ''Corgis'', and the fact that the [[wikipedia:Woodland Critter Christmas|friendly woodland critters]] of Fenris that the Wolves commune with are actually daemons. We've yet to see Magnus' and Leman Russ' reaction to the news, but it's guaranteed to be hilarious.
* He has also ordered [[Logan Grimnar]] to deliver presents to all the good little boys and girls in the Imperium on Sanguinala.
* While he has a number of colorful insults for his subordinates, including the primarchs, he also has pet names for his sons, such as "my little Magnymagic", "RogalyDonDon", and "my Fabulous Fucking Hawk-Boy".
* The First Founding was originally named the [[Only Founding]], and was renamed after [[Codex Astartes|Guilliman's fuck up]].
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RuE2waTrXKk The Emperor disapproves of the saying "Life is the Emperor's currency"].
* The Emperor's flaming sword sounds like a squeaky toy hammer (at least when he bashed Tzeentch's faces in).
* Magnus identifies with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
* The Emperor believes gold is the greatest color of them all, and that all other colors are equally inferior.
** He likely doesn't consider Platinum to be a true color in that case.
* There is a chance that the popularity of TTS has influenced Warhammer Gaming as a whole. Every big Warhammer game that has come out since TTS has had cutscenes somewhat similar to those of the series, and actual canon for 40k has progressed in a generally similar direction. Some have accused Games Workshop of copying what they like from it, while others say the series inspired GW writers to get off their asses and make something actually new.
** [[Aaron Dembski-Bowden]] is [https://www.reddit.com/r/Warhammer/comments/7igatt/im_aaron_dembskibowden_ask_me_anything/dqykv2l/ confirmed to be "a big fan" of TTS], actually. Ironically, he started watching it after people drew comparisons between Master of Mankind and the series.
** Furthering the influence, Alfa made an entire episode of the TTS cast playing [[Stellaris]] at the behest of that game's devs. It is about as disastrous as expected.
* Reading the book ''Inquisitor'' by [[Ian Watson]] causes disgust and trauma to several of the characters present, in no small part due to [[Jaq Draco]] constantly lusting after his [[Callidus]] assassin disguised as a [[genestealer]], as well as the overly long description of the Slaaneshi planet in the Eye of Terror. Even Boy has horrifying visions in his missing eye after what he's experienced. Karstodes, on the other hand, seems to have confused it with ''[[Harry Potter]] and the Philosopher's Stone'' in a bout of impressive illiteracy, while Magnus seems to consider it so bad it's good, even if only to riff off several of the excerpts and provide a contrast to the less-than-enthusiastic approach of the others present.
** Additionally, there are apparently in-universe surviving records of fucking [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stanley_Kubrick Stanley Kubrick] briefly considering adapting Draco as his next movie. This is based on the movie ''A.I. Artificial Intelligence'' coming about partly because of a 90-page treatment written by [[Ian Watson]] under Kubrick's supervision, a fact brought up several times throughout the podcast, along with [http://www.visual-memory.co.uk/amk/doc/0094.html Kubrick seriously considering Inquisition for his next movie]. Interestingly, this makes Kubrick one of the oldest known historical figures in the TTS-verse, although his name has been corrupted over the millennia.
* Ever wondered what Big E and the Primarchs would do if they saw this hilariously bizarre version of their future? Someone named Preator98 on Space Battles does. Hence the 40k fanfiction based on the 40k fanfiction known as [https://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/if-the-emperor-watched-the-text-to-speech-device.408752/ If the Emperor watched the Text To Speech Device] was born! Follow the threadmarks to read the whole thing, and go to the [https://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/if-the-emperor-watched-tts-extras-thread.508247/ Extras Thread] to read more Primach/Emperor reactions to other fanfics such as the [[Alternate Heresy|Roboutian Heresy]].

==Gallery==
===Quotes and snippets===
<gallery>
Image:Text To Heresy.png| If [[/d/]] still existed in 40k you can bet the Emperor would purge it.
Image:NotCanonShout.gif| What happens whenever someone mentions Shadowsun around Kitten.
Image:EmperorSureal.gif| Emp's reaction to most things that have happened to the Imperium.
Image:EmperorDisgraceful.gif| Likewise.
Image:EmperorPunchesTzeentch.gif| The Emperor taking out his frustration on a certain [[Tzeentch|indecisive mollusk]].
Image:MagnusRant.gif| Magnus is not a fan of the Imperium's general intelligence levels.
Image:DeciusHatBoner.gif| What passes for "Religious Ecstasy" in the Ecclesiarchy.
Image:UltraFucknCrying.gif| Calgar's disappointment over the flanderization of the Ultramarines is palpable.
Image:PillarstodesEntrance.gif| [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUhVCoTsBaM| *Cue Awaken.mp3*]
Image:AhrimanEXCUSEME.gif| Ahriman is a very grumpy boss.
Image:SlaaneshPatrol.gif| If you hear EDM outside, don't answer the door. EVER.
Image:HighLordsIllegal.gif| The High Lords in a nutshell.
Image:SuddenlyDaemons.gif| Magnus' original fuckup barely fazed him at the time.
Image:EmperorSpanking.jpg| The Emperor is the ideal father figure.
Image:UltraSmurfingNecrons.gif| Calgar engaging in a little Ultraviolence.
Image:RussWolfWarfare.jpg| Leman Russ' version of the infamous Navy Seal Copypasta.
</gallery>

===Fanart===
<gallery>
Image:NOT CANON.png|Kitten with his TOTALLY NOT CANON girlfriend [[Shadowsun]].
File:Kitten and shadowsun tragic story by khornez.jpg|''Tale as old as time...''
File:KittenCustodesbyAdeptusAdamaris.jpg|Turns out the nickname wasn't an accident.
File:NotCanonbyMagnifical.jpg
File:Luscious lucius prankz gone heretical 2016 by sexual yeti.png
File:TTS Rogal by eightball6219.jpg|When a tech-priest asks for a toaster, you give him a damn toaster!
</gallery>

==External Links==

* [https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLyiDf91_bTEgnBN0jAvzNbqzrlMGID5WA The entire series.]
* [https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/WebAnimation/IfTheEmperorHadATextToSpeechDevice TV Tropes's page, for extra references.]
* [http://if-the-emperor-had-a-texttospeech-device.wikia.com/wiki/If_The_Emperor_Had_a_Text-To-Speech_Device_Wiki And a whole wiki to cover the show, too]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqbQ_oKmflM A remix cover of the ending theme by StringStorm, check his other remixes too.]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzPuK1vib_c Not content with his first remix, StringStorm made a second one.]

[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]]