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Konrad Curze

2015-11-21T22:49:08Z

2601:644:1:319:1548:8905:6AE0:F97E: /* Lasting Legacy */

{{heresy}}
[[File:Konrad Curze Mugshot.jpg|400px|thumb|right|Konrad Curze, the Night Haunter, The Last Judge, The King of Terrors. Badly in need of a hairstylist- just look at that dandruff.]]
'''Konrad Curze''' (also known as Mr.Cuddles) was the [[Primarch]] of the [[Night Lords]] Legion, sometimes known as the '''Night Haunter'''. A [[Psyker]], Curze is well-known for the fact that he was [[/b/|plagued from the moment of his awakening by visions of the most horrific future imaginable, terrifying waking dreams that would follow him from cradle to grave.]] Whilst [[/tg/]] has joked that he suffered the lamest death in history due to falling to a Callidus Assassin's blade, he remains a complete bad-ass compared to [[Lion El'Jonson|these]] [[Lorgar|faggots]].

He's widely considered the [[Chaos]]-aligned counterpart of [[Corax]]. The two probably would've gotten along pretty well had they been in the same sector during the Great Crusade and didn't have totally different views on disembowelling innocent civilians. His name is an oblique reference to ''Heart of Darkness''.

==History==
Curze wound up on the eternally-dark world of Nostramo after the Primarchs were scattered by [[Chaos]]. Unlike most Primarchs, no one took Curze in, and he had to raise himself. It should also be noted that while the other Primarchs landed in style with awesome stasis pods like God descending from Heaven, Curze ended up punching through the Adamantium crust of Nostramo and embedded himself into the core. Where he decided it kinda sucked and dug himself out back where he wouldn't have to worry about temperature hot enough to fuck Vulcan up the ass as an infant. Nostramo was a lawless hell-hole, where crime was rampant and usually went unpunished, the rich openly exploited the poor, depression and the inability to escape one's social standing was rampant, and the population was largely kept down not through any fancy measures, but suicide. Curze was enraged by how this panned out and as he grew he decided to take matters into his own hands.

Stalking the eternally-dark streets as a sort of [[Awesome|Space Marine Batman]], Curze began hunting down heretics and those who had been responsible for turning Nostramo into the cesspit it had become. Leaders of the corrupt administration disappeared, only to be found later hung from Imperial administration buildings and beaten into unrecognizable messes that couldn't be identified without DNA testing, though their faces were often untouched so people would instantly recognize the victim. Notorious criminals were found out in the streets, eviscerated or impaled and left to die on the spires of manufactorum rooftops. The blood of those who had committed crimes flowed in the streets, with body parts stopping up storm drains.

The really scary part? ''It worked''. Within a year, Curze had killed so fucking many dicks that the crime-rate of Nostramo reached damned-near zero. Society went through a massive upheaval and curfews were imposed to minimize the casualties from [[Awesome|Space Marine Batman]]. Mothers began to threaten their kids that if they continued to misbehave, the Night Haunter would come for them - a story that came into common use on Nostramo, describing Curze, who stalked through the city, ready to disembowel any heretic or criminal foolish or bold enough to cross his path with anything on hand. His favored weapons of 'Lightning Claws' weren't used until he was found by the Emperor and united with his legion, which also made armor and weapons available to him.

Curze became convinced of his choices being the right and just ones when he saw that the people of this world started to have hope again - he had become the only thing on the entire planet that people truly feared (and hated). Seizing the moment, Curze appeared before the few remaining nobles that had survived his vigilantist purges - the only ones who basically weren't complete assholes, and gave them a choice: Obey to his rule, or die. Curze, the Night Haunter, was then made the ruler of Nostramo.

To the surprise of most, Curze proved to be a fairly capable ruler; surprisingly just and temperate. He made strong attempts to educate himself on absolutely everything he could learn, and was noted for his skills as an adjudicator, worthy of a [[Reasonable Marines|Reasonable Marine]]. This was, of course, until word of an injustice reached Curze's ears - at which point he would hunt down the transgressor himself, wearing them down, and killing them horribly. His unpredictable pattern of benevolence and wisdom contrasted by jaw-dropping levels of violence beyond that of an [[Eversor]] ushered in a new era of efficiency and honesty across Nostramo on a planetary scale, mainly as an act of capitulation in order to keep the Night Haunter from their doors.

===The Great Crusade===
[[Image:The viii primarch by saint max-d424fmh.jpg|right|thumb|350px|[[Castlevania|I was called here by ''huuuuuumans''. Who wish to pay meeeee ''tribute''.]]]]
Soon after Curze took over and began ruling the planet, the [[Emperor]]'s Great Crusade reached Nostramo; the coming of the Emperor of Man was an event long prophesied in Nostramo's history - an event which would eventually bring about the apocalypse. The Emperor and his delegation (which consisted of [[Rogal Dorn]], [[Ferrus Manus]], [[Lorgar|Lorgar Aurelian]], [[Fulgrim]], and their respective Legiones Astartes) proceeded to the Palace on foot, his radiance blinding the adapted-to-darkness onlookers and mesmerizing those who did not look directly at him.

At the end of the road leading to his Palace, Curze stood, waiting for the delegation when he had one of his visions, one so potent and horrifying, that he tried to claw his own eyes out to blind himself to what he had seen.

In THE HORUS HERESY: PRINCE OF CROWS it was revealed that what Curze saw was the fate of each of his brothers and in the end his own death, he saw blood spurting from his own neck and no matter what he did he couldn't stop it.
He would have succeeded in blinding himself if the Emperor hadn't stopped him.
He and the Emperor then had this badass exchange:

''"Konrad Curze, be at peace, for I have arrived and intend to take you home."''

''"That is not my name, Father. I am Night Haunter, and I know full well what you [[Just as planned|intend for me]]."''

Awesome. Curze began training under [[Fulgrim]], who taught him of the Adeptus Astartes combat doctrines and began molding him to be a suitable leader for his role as the leader of the Eighth Space Marine Legion - the Night Lords.
Later it was revealed that during his training under [[Fulgrim]], Curze had had one of his visions, this one about the Horus Heresy.
While he told Fulgrim this in confidence, he would later learn that one flaw Fulgrim had (beside dressing like a peacock), was that Fulgrim didn't know the meaning of the word confidential or that the notion of what was told to him was done so in sacred trust between himself and his favored brother.
Well the joke seemed to be on Curze as no sooner had he told Fulgrim about the vision then Fulgrim ran over to [[Rogal Dorn]] and told him everything.

Though Curze and his legion excelled in many different hot-zones throughout the Great Crusade, a disturbing tendency arose in short order; the Night Lords would never use anything other than total, decisive force to achieve their goals. Or maybe "force" is the wrong word; they didn't battle so much as terrify their enemies into submission. The Night Lords quickly adapted to Curze's combat and tactical ethos, becoming one of the most brutally effective, if not ruthless, legions in the Imperium. The Night Lords decorated their armor with iconography designed to inspire terror in the enemy - a tactic that proved incredibly effective. Unsurprising, considering how terrifying Space Marines are without it. Where they struck, the Night Lords left examples - grim reminders of the price for disobeying the Imperium. In time, it became so that even the mere ''mention'' of the Night Lords' approach would cause a system to pay all outstanding tithes, cease all illegal activities, stop downloading torrents of ''Blossom'', and put to death any [[Furry|mutants or heretics]]. In hindsight, though, we here on /tg/ can't really be all that surprised by their brutality when we remember it was Fulgrim who tutored the VIII Legion's primarch. How else would the Night Haunter interpret the Phoenician's excessive battlefield perfectionism than a need for excessive violence?

Problems arose, however, as the Great Crusade dragged on - reinforcements to replace the Night Lords that fell in battle were, as was the case of the other Legions, selected from the population of Curze's homeworld, Nostramo. Unfortunately, in Curze's absence, the population collapsed into the same corruption, criminality, and despair that had ruled the roost before his arrival (which, given the strong Imperial presence on the world, especially since it was literally made out of ridiculously rare adamantium, makes no sense at all). The most ruthless of the criminals were the only ones healthy and strong enough - and these were the most common replacement recruits for the Night Lords. Insubordination to Curze's orders became more frequent and he began having to deal with his own measure of "fixing" things with the criminal scum that were inducted into his forces. Making matters worse, his visions continued to increase in both frequency and graphic severity.

Finally, it reached the point where Curze had no choice but to deal with the problem of his recruiting world turning into a [[Star Wars D20|wretched hive of scum and villainy]], but Fulgrim, the only Primarch Curze had any real connection with, was largely unavailable, and the other Primarchs, instead of listening to him and trying to help, bitched him out and said that it wasn't their problem.

The straw that would finally break the camel´s back was during a joint operation between The Night Lords and the Imperial Fists.

[[Rogal Dorn]] had taken issue with Curze´s way of doing things, saying that peace through fear was not what the Emperor of mankind had intended.
Konrad Curze decided to prove his point to Dorn; that without the fear of consequences people wouldn't stay loyal.
To illustrate this, Curze gave one of the prisoners a gun and then ordered his men not to interfere, no matter what might happen.
The prisoner, now confident that the Night Lords wouldn't shoot him, immediately raised the gun and fired at Curze, thereby proving Curze's point.
Once the fear of consequence has been removed people will feel no loyalty, and having proved his point, Curze executed the prisoner by snapping his neck.

Now, if [[Rogal Dorn]] had been a smart primarch, he would just have left well enough alone, or perhaps, told Curze that one could rule through being loved and trusted just as well as being feared. But as established before, the Emperor hadn't exactly designed the Primarchs with brains in mind. So in an effort to win the argument, Rogal revealed what Fulgrim had said to him about Curze's vision. The anger, and the betrayal of trust while in the grip of one of his visions, Curze attacked Rogal Dorn with the claws on his armor´s fingers, slashing Rogal´s face to such a degree that if Rogal hadn´t been a primarch he would have died from his wounds.

As it was, Curze was just put on house arrest/grounded until the matter of an unsanctioned attack ''(read two missing primarchs)'' by one Primarch towards another could be resolved.
Curze however after reading a special batch of Nostraman tarot cards said "Screw you guys, we're going home". Killing the Imperial Fists who were guarding him, he and the Night Lords set course towards Nostramo.

Curze tried to salvage things while on his homeworld, but the Emperor's arrival had removed the one last barrier the people of Nostramo had between themselves and utter despair: ignorance.

Of course, the "Prince of Crows" heavy hinted, Curze didn't ''do'' anything other than kill people and incite fear by doing so. No improving the infrastructure, setting up a police force, or anything. And Curze refused to see this as a problem. This could have only lasted so long. In all actuality, the Emperor's arrival just sped things up. It wasn't the other Primarchs' problem, it was Konrad's mess and his one trick wasn't working anymore.

The knowledge of other worlds beyond Nostramo inflicted a hopelessness that guaranteed that nothing on Nostramo could ever change... which makes no sense given both the facts that the Imperium had massively improved their lives and that Nostramo had been trading its adamantium to several other human star systems long before the Imperium arrived (though "Prince of Crows" shows that this was because Curze made it so that there was nothing to do on Nostramo besides "behave and slowly die in an adamantium foundry" or "become a criminal and have some fun before dying quickly"), leaving the world to fester in corruption and depravity like a metastasized tumor. This was made worse by the Imperial Governor appointed to rule Nostramo in Curze's absence, who's corruption-heavy regime more-or-less plunged the entire planet into the same shit that gave birth to the Night Haunter in the first place. Needless to say, Curze was absolutely pissed at his planet and his work going back to square one.

Imperial pursuit craft, determined to stop Curze for abandoning the Great Crusade and checking on his homeworld, arrived just in time to see the laser batteries of Curze's fleet put an end to the nightmare that the planet's inhabitants had found themselves in - the only way he knew how, destroying the planet with sustained orbital fire.

Curze's actions caused him to be especially vulnerable to the whispers of Chaos. The campaigns of the Night Lords became harder and harder to justify - terror campaigns leaving a trail of devastated worlds across the breadth of the galaxy. Curze abandoned his devotion to the Emperor, instead fighting only to spread death and fear. Eventually, it got so bad that the Emperor recalled the Night Lords and prepared to call Curze to task for his actions and that of his legion.

This was 20 years before the Horus Heresy mind you, and it is very likely that the Imperium thought he had gone rogue at that point, or at the very least, completely unhinged for blowing up his homeworld. Especially, since they had been recalled to account for their terror campaigns and war crimes. So it's a bit bizarre that the loyalists thought it was a good thing that the Night Lords showed up to support them at Isstvan and ''didn't'' see a double-cross coming.

===Horus Heresy===
[[File:NocturnusObsessoris-Final.jpg|300px|thumb|left|Konrad overlooking the spires of Nostramo.]]

When Horus turned against the Emperor with Fulgrim, Curze was quick to throw in his lot behind the brothers he had actually been able to relate to as opposed to [[Roboute Guilliman|the fucking asshole]]. He even ended up saving Lorgar from [[Corvus Corax]] (although after seeing the Gal Vorbak, the very first squad of [[Possessed Marine]]s, felt it was a mistake).

The Night Lords remained impious, siding with none of the Chaos Gods and instead using them as mere tools in their terror campaigns. Almost entirely populated by criminals and murderers, the Night Lords led the [[Dark Angels]] and the Lion all over the Eastern Fringe. The insanity doesn't end there. In the middle of dicking with the Angels, he invites [[Lion El'Jonson]] to a dead planet (future place of his new palace and his own death...) to deliver a message from Horus, which actually predicts the Dark Angels fate of everyone hating their guts for not being on Terra because Curze has lead them all over the Eastern Fringe (HAR HAR HAR).

The Lion, who has [[Serious Business|zero tolerance]] for insults, proceeds to attack Curze and gets a fantastic one-shot off on him, though that was all he'd get and the two descended into a brawl which had to be ended with the brothers getting pulled off of each other and dragged back to their respective fleets.

The Dark Angels would eventually get the upper hand, presumably because Curze was partly pre-occupied by his "guest" (see below) and because the Lion would start using a [[Heresy|powerful and sentient warp engine]] that allowed him to out maneuver the Night Lords and capture Curze temporarily; essentially breaking the back of the Night Lords Legion. ''([[Sevatar]] took over, killed most of the leading captains and told the fleet to disperse and do [[Rip and Tear|whatever it was]] they wanted)''

====Vulkan====

[[Vulkan]] becomes Konrad's prisoner after Isstvan V. Unfortunately, Vulkan is [[Perpetual|immortal or some shit]], so he keeps coming back from the dead. This pissed the shit out of Curze, who decided to torture him instead. He had to do all kinds of shit, including being forced to kill his own [[Salamanders]], watch prisoners starve themselves, and fight [[Corax]] in a dream. In the end though, Curze couldn't bring Vulkan down to his level, causing massive amounts of [[rage]].

*SPOILER ALERT*

Vulkan ended up in a maze built by [[Perturabo]], with his hammer at the end of it. Vulkan had a teleporter in his hammer, which he figured Curze didn't know about, which made him hopeful. He couldn't navigate the maze worth shit though, and he was pretty much fucked, but after a couple of days, he pissed off Curze, who then led him to the center so they could fight. Curze was all "fuck you, teleporters don't work here", to which Vulkan replied, "O rly bitch? I still have a hammer". Vulkan then proceeded to beat the shit out of Curze, but didn't kill him (Because that would be stooping to his level, apparently).

When he was done, Vulkan said (essentially) "Fuck you Curze, ''I'M'' VULKAN! So MY teleporters work here. I just wanted to beat the shit out of you." He then escaped, leaving Curze more emo, depressed, and filled with more [[RAGE]] than ever before. Not that this mattered because Curze subsequently went on to take out his considerable ire against the entire Dark Angels Legion, leading to an impressively murderous trip to Macragge where he role-played a combination of every slasher movie killer and went with whatever felt natural. He would have killed the Lion AND Roboute with a powerful explosion (he had set the chapel of Hera to explode with them in it) if it hadn't been for the power of friendship. Seriously...[[My Little Pony|friendship truly is magi]]{{BLAM}}

After being jumped by a bottled demon and briefly being dragged into the warp, Kurze managed to kill (as in completely, not just banishing) the demon, and being dumped back onto Macragge. He's yet to reappear but he has the entire planet on curfew whilst he's still (theoretically) around.

===Death===
They got there late to the party but still [[/tg/ gets shit done|got shit done]], inflicting considerable morale damage on the loyalists. The Emperor however, wishing to stop the Night Lords forevermore, dispatched an [[Officio Assassinorum]] operative from the [[Callidus|Callidus Temple]] to kill him.

Curze had foreseen this, however - and he allowed it. He allowed her into his palace and the Callidus encountered no guards between herself and his throne room. Confronted with the Callidus Assassin M'Shen, it is believed that Curze proceeded to make jokes about how she had [[Pretend|butt-sex]] with [[Macha]] before getting down to brass tacks and explaining why he'd allowed her in so easily:

''"Your presence does not surprise me, Assassin. I have known of you ever since your craft entered the Eastern Fringes. Why did I not have you killed? Because your mission and the act you are about to commit proves the truth of all I have ever said or done. I merely punished those who had wronged, just as your false Emperor now seeks to punish me. Death is nothing compared to vindication."''

Whilst it's never been confirmed who [[rape|came out on top]] (or whether or not the Callidus and he engaged in [[Heresy|hardcore ball-busting sex]]), it is believed by many that Curze allowed himself to be killed, having given explicit orders to the Night Lords to allow M'Shen to escape. Only one Night Lord, Apothecary Talos Valcoran of the 10th Company, pursued her out of vengeance (the Night Lords did eventually join in pursuit, but that was only after the senior Captains realized that M'Shen had [[Ork|looted]] Curze of all his bling, which they wanted for themselves). It is believed that Curze had come to see himself as a murderous and corrupt villain - the very thing he had sought out to destroy (or perhaps he wished to prove that his decision to destroy Nostramo and join Horus was justified, as the Emperor had become one more tyrant who had to be slain). Maybe he was the hero who lived long enough to become the villian ([[Awesome|Space Marine Batman]]). We may never know the full story behind his actions, and his final words are considered one of the most bizarre enigmas in the Imperium's history.

==Psychic Ability==
Although knowledge of his gifts apparently were not widespread amongst the ranks of his brother Primarchs, Curze was capable of mild feats of psychic display. This was first evidenced by what he would come to call his "affliction" or "curse". Namely, that Konrad was often wracked by horrible visions, likened to waking nightmares, of how people would die. He was no exception; as stated above, the Night Haunter had foreseen his own death from the moment he awoke on Nostramo. These visions also occasionally extended to those he would lay eyes upon. This included his brother Primarchs, and explained his fondness for Fulgrim - the one person who Konrad had not seen suffer a terrible death upon first meeting him. In fact, Konrad's vision after laying eyes on Fulgrim was often described as hazy or lacking in some quality. What was apparent was that Fulgrim somehow found a way to cheat death. It was when he laid eyes on Ferrus Manus, immediately after, that he was shown Fulgrim would somehow be present at the site of Ferrus' demise. Despite this, he was the one primarch whom Konrad didn't foresee a misfortunate or ghastly future. It was this closeness that eventually led Konrad to confess to Fulgrim the nature of the visions he had received, as detailed in the popular duology of Black Library short stories ''The Dark King'' and ''The Lightning Tower''.

The Night Haunter also displayed a few other feats of psychic development, such as telekinetically destroying a series of lights to aid in his escape from a VII Legion detention chamber, and psychically conversing with Jago "Sevatar" Sevatarion. Sevatar, a latent psyker, was exploring Konrad's psyche during the latter's unconsciousness resulting from wounds inflicted by the Lion El'Jonson during the Thramas Crusade. Apparently the Night Haunter had a role in helping to suppress Sevatar's psychic potential, as revealed in the conversation between them - and that, because Sevatar was not trained in their use, those psychic abilities would be increasingly self-destructive.

As the Primarch of the VIII Legion, Konrad had a servant throughout the Great Crusade named Ekra Trez (who bore the title of "Sin-Eater"). Trez was tasked with keeping a record of the Night Haunter's pre-cognitive visions in a massive tome, and would often make note of which ones had been proven correct or false. Trez was also more than aware of Sevatar's psychic ability, leaving some readers of the Black Library's Horus Heresy novels curious as to what role Trez may have played in the Primarch's psychic development - if any.

==Lasting Legacy==
The Night Haunter, in his death, may have continued to leave a lasting impression upon the Imperium as inspiration for one of it's many institutions. Although his legion continues to sow fear and discord amongst the stars, Konrad Curze's legacy of weaponized fear lives on within the Imperium through the Emperor's Holy Ordos of the Inquisition. Like the inquisitors of the 41st Millennium, Konrad brought loyal citizens into compliance through fear and threats of death/torture beyond imagining to those who weren't sure where their allegiances lay. Those who failed to comply were guaranteed either a swift death at the hands of his legion, or a slow death at the tender mercies of his legion's most depraved souls. Lastly, if those comparisons weren't enough, look at the fate of Nostramo - Konrad essentially carried out an act of Exterminatus. Just as Lorgar's teachings on the Emperor's divinity would later lay the foundation for the Imperial Creed of the Ecclesiarchy, the Night Haunter could effectively be treated as the first author of the Inquisition's playbook.

Within the Night Lords, Curze and the Night Haunter each left their own legacy, which caused no small amount of schism. Officially, Curze appointed Zho Sahaal as his successor and Talonmaster, because Sahaal understood that a true warrior is more than just a murder machine. A true warrior has ''focus''. As you can probably predict, every other Night Lord captain decided that ''they'' were more deserving of being Curze's successor and tried to get Sahaal dethroned for being "weak" or whatever. Their logic was that Curze wasn't in charge, the Night Haunter was, and the Night Haunter was supposed to choose the ''true'' successor. After Sahaal became lost in the Warp, captain Kreig Acerbus "the Axemaster" slowly but surely took over huge swathes of the Night Lords and led them to become Chaos Undivided followers.

==Tabletop==
[[Image:Konrad-Curze-1.jpg|thumb|right|Wristblades? Check. Stealth capabilities? Check. Skinning prey and taking trophies? Check. Now he just needs a shoulder mounted plasma gun and he'll be able to pass himself off as the Predator.]]

{| border="1" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="5" align="left"
! || WS || BS || S || T || W || I || A || Ld || Sv
|-
| '''Konrad Curze:''' || 8 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 7 || 5+1 || 10 || 2+/4++
|}<br style="clear: left; height: 0px;" /><br>
On the tabletop, Curze has the basic Primarch statline plus Shrouded and Stealth. He has several fear based abilities, such as granting fear to all Night Lords (those who already have Fear impose a -1 on the leadership test), fear tests when in combat with him are taken at -3LD, and if he kills a unit in close combat any unit subject to fear within 12' and line of sight must take a leadership test or fall back. Sire of the Night Lords also grants him the Acute Senses and Night Vision USR, and he may elect to have the first turn of any game have the Night Fighting rule. His weapons are 2 Lightning Claws called Mercy and Forgiveness which have AP 2, the Murderous Strike rule and grants +1 attack (Paired) and his armour, the Nightmare Mantle, provides 2+ armour save and 4+ invulnerable save (like most Primarch Armour), plus when he charges, it grants him hit and run and Hammer of Wrath special rules (inflicting d3 HoW hits instead of the usual one).

Best of all, his ranged weapon proves definitely that Konrad Curze is Batman. He literally uses Batarangs during the shooting phase. His ranged attack is called a "Widowmaker Volley", which is essentially 3 bolt pistol profile shots with a special rule that makes 6s to wound ignore both armor AND invulnerable saves. You can't save against the God-Damned Bat Man. The best part is the actual description of the weapons in the Horus Heresy rulebook: "The Widowmakers: Based on the micro-serrated throwing knives utilized for signature-kills by Nostraman assassin-cults, Curze favored the use of these vicious, yet highly precise weapons over more conventional firearms in battle, using them for non-lethal takedowns.

==Konrad Curze VS other Primarchs:==
<div class="toccolours mw-collapsible mw-collapsed" style="100%">
Primarch fighting, while fun to see, isn't a very competitive thing to do as it'll usually tie up both Primarchs for the entire game without either of them dying. With that in mind this section is about how Konrad Curze fares against other Primarchs Mathhammer wise. Please note that all the various abilities are taken into accounts when possible and the match-ups assume the Primarchs are the only ones involved in the fighting, so various abilities like Angron's "The Butcher's Nails" and Rampage do not provide any bonuses. In essence, the fights are supposed to happen in a "Vacuum" for simplicity, but notes are added to make things clearer in particular instances. Also all of the Primarch use their most powerful weapons (because why have a contest if you don't do your best?).
<div class="mw-collapsible-content">

* Konrad Curze VS Horus
**Horus hits 3 times (Talon), wounds 2.667 times, 1.333 after saves and IWND will take that down to 1 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Konrad hits 3 times, wounds 2.25 times, 0.75 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.417.
**Konrad lose (not a big surprise) and as always Horus use his Talon 'cause, even though he would do more damage with Worldbreaker, the Talon allows him to make his opponent basically harmless after a couple of wounds.

* Konrad Curze VS Angron
**Angron Round 1: hits 5.333 times, wounds 4.444 times, 2.222 after saves, and IWND take it down to 1.889.
**Angron Round 2 and thereafter: hits 4 times, wounds 3.333 times, 1.667 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 1.333 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Curze hits 3 times, wounds 2.25 times (0.75 of which causes ID), 1 wounds after saves and FNP and IWND will take that down to 0.667 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Angron easily wins, doing a lot more damage and receiving less in turn.
**Note: Curze can Hit & Run, but by doing so he would only gain one more attack, while allowing Angron to reset his Hatred, thus actually making himself dies even faster. However he would be a much better fight: Konrad on the Charge would do 2.625 wounds (0.875 with ID) which become 1.168, plus 0.1389 for HoW and 0,359 for the Widowmakers, for a total of 1,666 wounds, or 1.333 after IWND. This, thanks to the -1 wound of Angron, actually means that they would kill each other on the fifth assault, at the same initiative step. Provided that Konrad always succeed in his escape, that is.

* Konrad Curze vs Mortarion
**Mortarion hits 2.5 times, wounds 1.667 times, 0.833 wounds after saves and 0.5 wounds after IWND.
**Curze hits 4 times, wounds 2.222 times, 1.11 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.555 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Curze lose as even though he does more damage, Mortarion has 1 more wound that will make him outlast the Night Haunter.
**Note: with the Hit & Run tactics Konrad would actually win, thanks to the +1 attack on the charge, HoW and the knives, butchering Mortarion in 9 rounds while Mortarion would need 11 (counting overwatch).

* Konrad Curze vs Fulgrim
**Fulgrim hits 3.5 times, wounds 2.333 times, 1.167 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.833 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Curze hits 3 times, wounds 2.25 times, 0.75 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.417 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Easy win for Fulgrim. Even with Hit & Run, Konrad would not win this fight. Still, he would outdamage Fulgrim on the charge (1.472 wounds after all saves, 1.139 after IWND) and he would loose only thanks to the superior initiative of the Phoenician, coming extremely close to claiming a surprising draw.

* Konrad Curze vs Ferrus Manus
**Ferrus hits 2.5 times, wounds 2.083 times, 1.042 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.709 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Curze hits 4 times, wounds 2.222 times, 0.741 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.407 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Ferrus win.
**Note: Even though with Hit & Run Konrad could close the gap and do almost the same exact damage as Ferrus over the course of the fight, mathematically winning thanks to his superior initiative, this tactics is not reliable against the Gorgon thanks to the Concussive & Strikedown of Forgebreaker.

* Konrad Curze VS Vulkan
**Vulkan hits 2 times, wounds 1.666 times, 0.833 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.5 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Curze hits 4 times, wounds 2.222 times, 0.741 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.185 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Vulkan is just too tanky for Konrad.
**Note: with the usual tactic of Hit & Run Curze would outdamage Vulkan, but this is hindered by the fact that Dawnbringer has Concussive, making it difficult to foresee: it could go either way. (Because it's also a Hammer.)

* Konrad Curze VS Lorgar
**Lorgar hits 2.5 times, wounds 2.0833 times,1.042 after saves and IWND will take that to 0.708 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Curze Round 1: hits 3.555 times, wounds 2.369 times, 1.184 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.851 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Curze Round 2: hits 4 times, wounds 3 times, 1.5 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 1.167 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Konrad wins.
**Note: as always, psychic powers not included. You know how it would end anyway...

*Konrad Curze VS Perturabo
**Perturabo hits 2 times, wounds 1.667, 0.833 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.5 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Curze hits 3 times, wounds 2.25 times, 0.75 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.417 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Konrad lose as Perturabo does marginally more damage.
**Note: With Hit & Run Konrad would win, but the chance he is not concussed in the round he wants to escape are pretty slim, meaning that Perturabo has still the edge in this fight.

* Konrad Curze VS Alpharius
**Alpharius hits 2.92 times and wounds 1.701 times, 0.851 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.517 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Curze hits 4 times, wounds 3 times, 1.5 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 1.167 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Konrad wins.

* Konrad Curze VS Rogal Dorn
**Dorn hits 2 times, wounds 1.5 times, 0.75 wounds after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.417 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Curze hits 3 times, wounds 2.25 times, 1.125 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.792 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Konrad wins thanks to his superior number of attacks.

* Konrad Curze VS Corvus Corax
**Corvus hits 4 times (Scourge)/3 times (Shadow-walk), wounds 3 times (Scourge)/2.25 times (Shadow-walk), 1.5 wounds (Scourge)/1.125 wounds (Shadow-walk) after saves and IWND will take that down to 1.167/0.792 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Curze hits 4 times/3 times, wounds 3 times/2.25 times, 2 wounds/1.5 after saves and IWND will take that down to 1.667/1.167 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Konrad wins.
**Note: even though they both got Hit & Run, Konrad doesn't get +1 attack to charge Corax, 'cause he has Shroud Bombs, and also doesn't get +1 S ans I, making Corax considerably stronger when he charge all things considered. All in all, a pretty balanced fight, even if the stats don't say so. Corax doesn't have Widowmakers, though...

* Konrad Curze VS Roboute Guilliman
**Guilliman Round 1/2: hits 2.5 times, wounds 2.222 times, 1.111 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.778 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Guilliman Round 3 and thereafter: hits 3.333 times, wounds 2.963 times, 1.481 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 1.148 wounds at the start of the next turn.
**Curze Round 1: hits 4 times, wounds 3 times, 1 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.667 at the start of the next turn.
**Curze Round 2 and thereafter: hits 3 times, wounds 2.25 times, 0.625 times after saves and IWND will take that down to 0.292 at the start of the next turn.
**Konrad lose.
**Note: as always, Konrad could attempt to even the odds with Hit and Run, negating Preternatural Strategy while gaining the +1 attack for the charge (and sniping some wounds with his knives). But so long as Guilliman uses his power fist by the second round of combat Curze will be locked to initiative 1 and will be dead before it's guaranteed he'll be able to leave combat.

* TLDR version: Even though he does a lot of damage, Konrad is not really suited for Primarch vs Primarch fights. Do not misunderstand: he is a real beast when he can make use of Hit & Run and the Widowmakers are extremely good, especially against Primarchs with strong invulnerable saves. Still, you have to consider that all of his special rules are primary designed to scare his opponents and make them flee, but since all Primarchs are Fearless he can't use them. Despite this, he can win some fights and, when he struggle, he can still significantly cripple even some of the strongest Primarchs, leaving them weak and vulnerable. But you are arguably best served to employ his mobility to evade them (instead of fighting) and charge something he could actually butcher in a single round, to make the most of his King of Terror special rule. Make their allies flee in panic and then destroy them when they are alone and surrounded...

</div></div>

==Multiple Personality Disorder?==
Now, we all know the [[Black Library]] can range from the [[Dan Abnett|godly]] to the [[C.S.Goto|Goto]]. So this must be taken with a grain of salt. But ''Lords of the Night'' implies that Curze suffered from Dissociative Identity Disorder, such that he and the Night Haunter were two different people, Konrad the just leader of men, and the Night Haunter the murderous vigilante. 'Blood Reaver' also implies it (a Night Lords sorcerer talking about how at one moment he was trying to teach his long-dead father some idealistic lesson, while at another he was only concerned about eating some slave's heart.) and shows it outright (when he has a bit of a manic episode and forgets that his First Captain died several years ago.) 'Blood Reaver' also suggests that the Emprah's DNA may not have entirely settled in Curze's body, explaining why he was so batshit crazy by the time of his death, not to mention the corpse like appearance he was sporting near the end.

The upshot of this is that ''only the Night Haunter'' fell to Chaos, while Curze remained clean. Which one got the other killed is unknown.

Another thing perhaps tied with his Multiple Personality Disorder is that Konrad Curze towards the end had ended up hating his own legion.
In a conversation with First Captain Sevatar, Konrad mentioned how he had spoken with Angron and Lorgar following the Istvaan III purge.
Cleansing the untrustworthy elements of the World Eaters and the Word Bearers. The sheer absurdity of the idea was laughable to the Night Haunter, for his brothers knew exactly when to stop the killing of the weak, the treacherous and the corrupt within their bloodlines.
He had no idea where to begin culling the Night Lords' ranks. His sons were no longer cast in his image. Less than a decade after he had departed Nostramo that world had sent him nothing but filth to integrate into the VIII Legion as Neophytes; the disgusting dregs of humanity his own Apothecaries had infused with his genetic material and reforged into transhumans.
The VIII Legion had become poisoned by their presence.
The VIII Legion was now composed of warriors who were murderers in the Primarch's own image, yet devoid of his conviction.
The Night Lords had become nothing more than killers and abusers, bleeding the weak for their own amusements because they enjoyed it as good sport. Fear became an end unto itself, and its propagation was all the Night Lords desired as they fed upon it.

This was made even more clear by what Curze told Talos before he and the Assassin was to get it on.
''"Many will claim to lead our Legion in the years after I am gone.''
''Many will claim that they - and they alone - are my appointed successor. I hate this Legion, Talos. I destroyed its world to stem the flow of poison. I will be vindicated soon, and the truest lesson of the Night Lords will be taught.
''
''Do you truly believe I care what happens to any of you after my death?"
''

Now some might say he was overreacting a bit but, still given how the criminal overlords he had spend most of his life on Nostramo eradicating, took over again as soon as he had left the planet and started sending their henchmen to be turned into space marines, it might be understandable. It was not for nothing that Horus had cause to muse that his generals were psychopaths while the Emperors were noble, statuesque leaders of men.

==Gallery==
<gallery>
File:Night haunter by cabal art.png|Isn't he the cutest murderous psychopath vigilante ever?
File:Konrad.jpg
File:BigKurze.jpg|[[Emperor|Christ]] that looks epic. Even if it's on graph paper.
File:Konspire.png|Do not get on his bad side.
</gallery>

{{Primarchs}}
[[Category:Chaos]]

Monopoly

2015-11-21T22:21:16Z

2601:644:1:319:1548:8905:6AE0:F97E:

{{Fail}}
[[Image:Monotonylogo.gif|center]]

'''It fucking sucks.''' While it may suck a bag of dog shit, it is the most popular tabletop game ever made. Go figure.

It was made by Charles Darrow while he was out of work during the Depression Era, scribbling on his tablecloth all angry about being poor. So he picked up "The Landlord's Game," changed the properties to be streets of Atlantic City, and sold it off as [[Original character, do not steal|his own original creation]]. Since "The Landlord's Game" was made by a woman, who was also a Quaker, nobody gave a shit. Also, he chopped out half of the game, namely, the second half where everyone loses all their money and an Important Lesson is learned about capitalism. Which is why it sucks. Imagine if ''40k'' didn't have a turn limit, and you just played until the opponent was tabled, and both of you got two free units every turn.

==How to play Monopoly==
# Go around for 3 hours
# Land on Mayfair with someone else's hotel on it (Boardwalk if you're an Americanfag)Jelous much!
# Flip the board
# ????
# [[Profit]]!

=== No, really? ===
[[Meme|Yah rly.]] The winning condition is "when everyone is broke except for one player." Aside from how "last man standing" boardgames suck, it's possible to play a game that never ends. Try this: get one of the Monopoly computer games, tell it to play with 4 computer players and 0 human players. Put it on 'fast', and come back in a few hours. All four players will have hundreds of thousands of dollars each, with no signs of anyone "losing."

The only way to win is to convince one of your fellow players to do something stupid, like sell you a property you need to complete a set.

This game takes forever. No, I am not kidding you. You, the person who wanted to play the game, will be the only one left after 5 hours of straight gameplay who still wants to play. Everyone else will have [[Khorne|lost patience]], [[Tzeench|fallen asleep]], [[Slaanesh|run out of snacks]], [[Nurgle|died of old age]], or some [[Derp|unholy combination]] of [[What|any or all of the previous four]]. I seriously played one game of Monopoly for THREE MONTHS with my grandmother. My grandfather left after the first three weeks. I have no idea who won. In that time, I probably could have made a pretty awesome character in ANY RPG SYSTEM (yes, even [[Rolemaster]]), and have had four or more truly memorable moments in a campaign.

== Monopoly license everything... ==

It is no small joke that Monopoly have made a version of itself to cover just about everything under the sun. You're into normal vanilla monopoly? Get lost, there is way too many weird and wacky flavours to take, although you may get sick after having them.

Here is a concise list of some of the different kinds of monopoly avaialble: Simpsons; Beatles; Disney; Toy Story; Lego; Northampton (the city, seriously); Royal Family; Harry Potter; Batman and Robin; Powerpuff Girls; Pokemon; Doctor Who; Gay; The Walking Dead; Spongebob Squarepants; Street Fighter; and 2010 Fifa World Cup South African edition.

And Twillight. GOOOOODDAAAAAMMMMNNNNNN. (You forgot Star Wars)0

You think the above list is a joke? Then my dear friends you will truly weep, when you discover each one is very, very real...

P.S. Just in case you weren't depressed enough; every single version of Monopoly is literally exactly the same from a rules perspective. Every property and card gets renamed, but the functional rules of the game don't change at all.

==/tg/-Approved House Rules ==

Not to be set back by the monotony of Monopoly, /tg/ has, after a period of discussion, decided that the following rules can potentially make a game of Monopoly strategic and more fun.

# Landing on an unowned property incurs an Auction, not a sale. (See [[#The_Rule_Nobody_Uses|below]].)
## Bidding can start either at $1 or the value of the property, with the former allowing cheap purchases and the latter ensuring that all properties will sell at or above their face value.
# A completed color group is not required to purchase improvements on a property, with the exception of Hotels.
## Properties don't collect rent until there is a house on it. Not only does this remove the insanity of paying rent for an empty lot, it makes the utility actual useful, at least in the early game, as those will always be able to collect money.

==The Rule Nobody Uses==
'''BREAKING NEWS''' This speeds up the game, and makes it possible to complete sets without some player doing something self-destructively stupid, and it's ''already in the rules'' but nobody uses it!

<blockquote>''If you do not wish to buy the property, the Banker sells it at auction to the highest bidder. The buyer pays the Bank the amount of the bid in cash and receives the Title Deed card for that property. Any player, including the one who declined the option to buy it at the printed price, may bid. Bidding may start at any price.''</blockquote>

It's right there in black and white. [http://www.hasbro.com/common/instruct/monins.pdf Hasbro Official Rules]

==Special Rules to Make It Fun==
=== Illuminopoly ===

{{Main|Illuminopoly}}

You're acquiring property... so you can modulate the house wiring and put fluoride in the water and control people's MINDS.

=== Solarquest ===
This improves the game by replacing it entirely with a different roll-and-move real estate game.
* [http://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/1836/ Solarquest at BoardGameGeek]

=== #OccupyBoardwalk ===

{{Main|Monopoly/OccupyBoardwalk}}

For the anti-American commies who are protesting on WallStreet, you can play the game as the 1%.

=== Powers for each of the pieces ===
*Wheelbarrow: Move an additional spaces equal to your lowest die; gain an additional 25 dollars when passing Go
*Battleship: You may fire at any piece directly opposite the Battleship, sending them back to Go. They do not gain money from passing Go.
*Money Bag: Gain $300 when passing Go.
*Horseman: Move an additional spaces equal to your lowest die; when the Horseman lands on an occupied space, the Horseman can choose to send all other pieces back five squares or to the Horseman's nearest property, whichever is closer; when sending a piece back to his property, the Horseman must accompany them
*Automobile: Move twice the number of spaces shown on the die.
*Train Engine: All railroads cost half as much; when rolling a double and not in jail, the Train Engine can move to any owned railroads instead
*Thimble: Wow, what are you, a faggot? Start with half money. Jeez.
*Loom: Pay half as much when renting; mortgages pay 20% more
*Shoe: Same as Horseman
*Dog: The Dog may take the roll of the previous player instead of rolling their own die.
*Iron: Same as Thimble, Queer Eye.
*Hat: Same as Money Bag; Hats are classy.

=== Metanopoly ===
AKA how many ways can you get your opponents to [[Derp|derp]]. Use underhanded meta-game tactics to win, and none of it is "technically" illegal. Haggle, brown-nose, backstab, and generally [[Diplomacy |play pre-WW1 European politics]]. Barter for everything, trick people with word games, do whatever you can to be the nastiest SPAH in [[/v/|a game full of SPAHS]]. Works well with 7+ players, and is great fun against [[Tzeench|that one crafty uncle who shows up at family reunions]]. You know, for a game of Monopoly. Goes shorter than most games because everyone either gets curb-stomped by one guy, calls everyone else a cheater, or gets so [[rage|enraged]] that the game turns into a bar fight and you must use your [[The Book of Weeaboo Fightan Magic|Weeaboo Fightan Magic]] to escape unscathed.

=== Waropoly 40,000 ===
{{heresy}}
''In the grim darkness of the future, there is only passing Go...''<br/>
[[Image:Monopoly_RogueTrader.jpg|756px]]

{{Board Games}}
[[Category:Board Games]]

If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device

2015-11-21T21:31:48Z

2601:644:1:319:1548:8905:6AE0:F97E: /* Others */

{{awesome}}
{{template:Spoilers}}

[[File:If-the-emperor.png|500px|right|thumb|Prepare yourself for pure undiluted WIN!]]

'''The Lord:'''

''"You've nothing more to say to me? You come but to complain unendingly? Is never aught right to your mind?"''

'''Mephistopheles:'''

''"No, Lord! All is still downright bad, I find."''

- Goethe's Faust, Prologue in Heaven.

A Youtube series created by Bruva Alfabusa, the show follows the exploits of Emprah himself in his quest to bring the Imperium of Man to their former glory, helped by the captain of the Custodes "Little Kitten", Magnus (now returned to the fold) and a hilarious cast of other major 40k characters, the series has become a complete success, mostly by poking fun on many of the memes, traditions and quirks of the 40k universe and the fandom but also by some very awesome scenes and, of course, great music.

Most fans agree that, while a wild and very unserious take on the 40k universe, the plot itself isn't actually that outlandish (apart from the [[Ultramarines]] capturing [[Magnus the Red]]...). If the Emps would wake up, it's pretty much a given that he would remove the Inquisition as some of the first things, while probably being an ass, as he always was. The unsure part is if the Emps would have learned from his 10,000 years of mistakes, which the series believes he has, deep inside. Doesn't help his [[Rage|temper]] though.

==Dramatis Personae==

Starting off with a few characters, the series has evolved to encompass a fuckton of major and minor characters, with their own small arcs and all. It's not quite [[Order of the Stick|OotS]] level, but it's getting there.

===Team Emperor===

[[Image:Pleased Emprah.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Emperor of Mankind]]''': The Emprah, who's now able to verbally communicate with people after Techpriests installed a text-to-speech device on his throne. Is currently planning to rebuild the Imperium after hearing the clusterfuck of stories from his Captain-General caretaker. He also has a pet [[Centurion Squad|Centurion]], which he finds adorable. He is a jerk, frequently insulting the Captain General with little reason other than he can (and because it's funny), and dialogue with Magnus implies he's always been a prick. Nonetheless he is ultimately a sympathetic character who wanted to create a better future for humanity and the comedic outrage he displays at all the bad news he gets is justified given how he frequently hears about costly victories that could have been avoided if the men in charge were less incompetent and how the Imperium has been destroying itself (usually because of the Inquisition).

[[Image:Sad Kitten.jpg|thumb|right]]
*''' Custodes Captain-General''': Captain-General of the [[Adeptus Custodes]] and the only Custode who appears to have retained his sanity after the near-death of the Emperor, and for that matter one of the few sane humans in the Imperium. He serves as both the Emperor's personal caretaker and assistant, and pretty much the only person he regularly talks to and his main link to the outside world. Generally the only person the Emperor trusts and treats like a son, albeit constantly berating him whenever he does something stupid, or because he just feels like it. He also seriously hates [[Tau]]. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUOJIOxC_0k One episode] implies that it is because [[Shadowsun]] spurned him for the Greater Good (and also because he was a bit... fixated on the extremely yonic shape of her nose), something he furiously and tearfully declares ''must'' be non-canon. He is named ''Little Kitten'' by his fellow Custodes, for "purring his way so far into their ranks", but we have yet to learn his actual name. His frequent emotional outbursts despite the supposed emotionless state of the Custodes is intentional, and played for humor.

*'''[[Magnus the Red]]''': The closest thing to a sane person besides the Captain-General (who plays the straight man depending on the situation). Retrieved from wherever within the Warp by the sheer plot-armor-powered efforts of [[Cato Sicarius]] and then brought to the Golden Throne, followed by the Emperor bullying [[Tzeentch]] in order to steal back Magnus' soul. Touched, he somehow managed to forgive the Emperor and decided to help the Emps with his plan to fix the Imperium, but Emps being a jerk to him is starting to test his patience. The shiny new bike he was given helped with their reconciliation.

===Imperials (So sorta good guys)===

[[Image:Pillar-Stodes.png|thumb|right]]
*'''The Pillar-stodes (Wamuudes, Custodisi, Karstodes)''': Some of the Emperor's personal companions from the Great Crusade days. After his interment into the Golden Throne, the rest of the Custodes have shed their armor as a sign of mourning. This, however, has also caused them to become fabulous hedonists (although not to a Slaaneshi-tier extreme), which greatly disturbs the Emperor. They also have no respect for their Captain General and don't even seem to remember that he's their superior. A running gag with them is that whenever the Pillarstodes come into a scene, they would dynamically jump in from nowhere with their own [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUhVCoTsBaM personal theme song]. The three Pillarstodes appearance is based on the Pillar Men from Jojo's Bizzare Adventure: Battle Tendency; a group of fabulously well-built, half-naked Aztec vampire demigods seeking immortality. They're basically the Pillar men with the heads replaced with Custodes helmets.

[[Image:High Lords Text.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''The [[High Lords of Terra]]''': The people responsible for running the Imperium itself. Despite this the majority of the High Lords never really discuss or do anything to the betterment of the Imperium and just act senile, once planning to outlaw breathing for everyone but them. There are currently 5 High Lords featured, aside from the Captain-General.¨
[[Image:High Lords 2.jpg|thumb|right]]
**'''[[Ecclesiarchy|Ecclesiarch]] Decius XXIII''': The only non-senile High Lord aside from the Captain General, who legitimately takes his post seriously, even standing up to Fyodor and forbidding him to shed a single drop of blood from Terra's population (which Fyodor circumvented by using incendiary weaponry). For not screwing up the Emperor's plan, not being an overzealous bag of insanity, and rushing to try to save the Emperor when Fyodor stormed Terra's Palace he is allowed to stay leader of the Ecclesiarchy, even as the Emps is disbanding it, due to the fact that he and those who obeyed Emprah now are in charge of reforming the Imperium from the craphole it has sink in. [[Space Marines|Loyality to the man rather than the word]] finally payed off. Just about everyone mocks him for his hat, which gets limp or...stiff depending on his emotional state. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pq-6aj9sNvo He proved that despite the crap others give him, he can make some pretty rousing speeches on the fly].
**'''Fabricator-General of Mars''': The head of the Adeptus Mechanicus. Is so old that his voice stutters every time he speaks like a broken version of Stephen Hawking in addition to always speaking in little tunes. Constantly does nothing but insult his fellow high lords for being made of flesh and recommend they swap out their fleshy bits for mechanical augmentations.
**'''Grand Provost Marshal''': Head of the Adeptus Arbites, who does nothing but propose to make everything illegal. [[Judge Dredd| HE IS THE LAW]].
**'''Master of the Administratum''': The head of the Imperial bureaucracy. A bit less inept than the rest of the high lords, he acts like your everyday senile grandfather.
**'''Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard''': The leader of the Imperial Guard. Doesn't do much, apart from comparing war to the good ol' days. Aware enough to know that the removal of minor luxuries (laxatives, breathing) may have detrimental effects on the Imperial Guard. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUrhqCkYwps Lays a sick beat.]

===The Ultramarines===
*'''[[Marneus Calgar]]''': Chapter Master of the Ultramarines. He's currently depressed and frustrated at the state of the Ultramarines where they basically win everything (due to their plot armor) as well as their strict adherence to the Codex Astartes to the point that it's no longer fun anymore. Due to this, his mood is eternally grumpy, only made worse by Sicarius' constant gloating. He actually seems to care deeply for the men under his command as he get extremely pissed off when Sicarius put his marines at unnecessary risk to achieve another victory to inflate his reputation. He also appears in a flashback during the second [[Tyranid]] war in Ultramar, where he did battle with the Swarmlord. [https://youtu.be/cB79pnU2f2I?t=5m30s While he put up a valiant fight, he found that they were equally matched, and thus, declared it a draw.]

*'''[[Cato Sicarius]]''': Current Captain of the Ultramarines 2nd company. His persona's played as Cato's canon need to be a glory hound and the embodiment of the Ultramarines' plot armor, turned up to eleven, where he only cares for his advancement in the ranks of the Ultramarines and not much else. He apparently undertook the mission to capture Magnus the Red. Alone. Without his gellar field turned on, and his survival at such mission greatly pissed off Calgar to no ends, who was hoping he would die. He is also very verbal about his intention to take the position of Chapter Master, which ''greatly'' upsets Calgar (as Cato's dialogues largely implies that he's better than him and wishes for his death), to the point where he threatens to perform an "Imperial Fisting" upon Sicarius with his Gauntlets if he continues such thoughts. He also has a very egotistical, effeminate voice, and he always refers to himself in the third person. [https://youtu.be/bM8YGsAmeqE?t=1m56s Its goddamn hilarious]

*'''[[Uriel Ventris]]''': Current Captain of the Ultramarines 4th company. He doesn't have a lot of development yet, but appears as a close friend of Calgar and is the only one who's noticed the Ultramarines' theme of somehow always completing utterly suicidal missions.

===Adversaries===
*'''[[Abaddon the Despoiler]]''': Has yet to personally appear in the series, but has so far contacted Lucius and Ahriman to enlist their help with something that has yet to be determined, though judging by the context presented so far in the series, it is speculated to be another Black Crusade in the making.
*'''[[Fulgrim]]''': Has yet to personally appear in the series, but appears to have already joined Abaddon in his plans. He makes his appearance as the person who called Lucius to get him to join Abaddon.
[[Image:Fyo-Yo.png|thumb|right]]
*'''Lord [[Inquisitor]] Fyodor Karamazov''': Inquisitor of the [[Ordo Hereticus]] and a colossal jerk even among inquisitors. When the Emperor disbanded the Inquisition, he went ballistic and led an entire crusade to Terra to purge what he thinks is heresy. Ended up in the Warp via Magnus for his troubles, after being trolled in a magnificent manner by being told he is a fragment of the Emperor. This was all [[Just As Planned| the Emperor's plan for sending out the message in the first place]], to lure in all the more destructive Inquisitors to get rid of them.
[[Image:Domi.png|thumb|right]]
**''Dominique'': The sentient scribe servitor on Fyodor's Throne of Judgement. He comically makes fun of Fyodor on several occasions and generally breaks the serious atmosphere that the Lord Inquisitor tries to project. He also has a curious predilection for sandpaper cigarettes. Voiced by Gonzo the Great.
[[Image:Mall.png|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Ordo Malleus]] Inquisitor''': One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor. He appears as an Inquisitor brandishing bulky power armor, almost resembling Terminator armor. Is the most level-headed of the group.
[[Image:Here.png|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Ordo Xenos]] Inquisitor''': One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor. A xeno fetishist. She appears to be the bad cop of the group with a short temper and a rough, Russian accent. She claim that the letter of disbanding inquisition was written by a genestealer cult under the emperor name.
[[Image:Xen.png|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Ordo Hereticus]] Inquisitor''': One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor. He appears as an Inquisitor dressed in black and using a bolt pistol with a sight mount. He has a sort of soft-toned, yet hilarious way of speaking. He is favor of door kicking and burning building type of exterminatus, just like a medieval witch hunter.
*'''[[Torquemada Coteaz]]''': One of the Inquisitors who joined Fyodor's assault into the Imperial Palace. He shows up after Fyodor's forces was blocked off by a force of loyal Ecclesiarch priests led by Decius in the palace, but breaches their defenses by throwing a barrel of Jokaero at the defenders. This plan causes Fyodor to lose any respect for him, which solicits a disheveled response from [[Awesome| Torquemada, telling him to get off his Throne of Judgement and tell him to his face, or use his multi-melta to do what he's too pathetic to]]. Fyodor backs off and lets him leave. So far he appears to be the only sane Inquisitor, snarling at Fyodor to not execute the Emperor for whatever offense he may pull out of his ass.

*'''The Gods of [[Chaos]]''': The gods here are less chaotic than their canon counterparts. More-or-less they just either sit around and talking to each other, the way they did prior to the Emperor showing up and making plans to wreck their collective shit.
**[[Tzeentch]] is a petty schoolyard bully who also likes to engage in pointless overthought pseudo-philosophy and it's unclear if he means it or it's just part of him being a troll.
**[[Slaanesh]] is a hyperactive masochistic camwhore and not much else.
**[[Khorne]] is a paraplegic sociopath who has yet to make an appearance beyond screaming, usually at Slaanesh.
**[[Nurgle]] is the only one actually doing any scheming. Has a voice that's really hard to understand without subtitles, and is more focused on his waifu Isha than actually doing anything.
**[[Malal]] makes several short appearances, conversing with the various gods on Spacebook where he declares he will ruin everyone once he becomes canon again by escaping the "Retconnian" (a dimension where the Squats, Horus' soul, and other things that don't exist are banished to) and a second time is shown to exist in a pocket outside canon where he is able to influence things that are canon in subtle ways using the "Tyrant Star", a wandering sun that gives off black light and incites anarchy and chaos on whatever planet it shines on. It appears that his obsession to become relevant again is a harmful one, as Horus and a Squat talk him down from his attempts and console him when he breaks down crying about his futile attempts.

*'''[[Lucius the Eternal]]''': Sounds like a homosexual, demented version of Mickey Mouse, first shown fucking up some Imperial Guardsmen (in all senses of the word) with his warband. He then got a call from Fulgrim, inviting him and his band to join one of his "huge parties", which he accepted. His absolutely creepy portrayal in the series is quickly becoming one of the scariest (and most enjoyable) things in the franchise, sorta an impressive achievement.

*'''[[Ahzek Ahriman]]''': Appears in a short scene where he finally gets access to the Black Library, only to be dicked with, and eventually booted out by [[Cegorach]]. Decided to quit trying to get into the Black Library for a while and take a break, but decided against the latter after being given an unknown proposition by Abaddon.

*'''The Citizens Of The Imperium''': In special episodes where the Emperor answers mail from citizens of the Imperium (most of which is questions asked by watchers of the series), Loyalist humanity plus an odd Xeno or Chaos entity ask questions of him. These are supposed to by sorted by ''Little Kitten'' and later Magnus as well, but quite a few stupid ones get through to the point that without the aid of the cuddly Centurion, the Emperor's frustration causes Warpstorms which obliterate chunks of the universe.

===Others===
*'''[[Horus|FUCKING HORUS]]''': Appears in the April Fool's episode, where he breaks into the Emperor's throne room and incapacitates him. The Emperor declares Horus can't win because he's all alone, but says he isn't as he gathered allies while he was clawing his way out of The Warp, all of whom are some of the dead/retconned/obscure characters in the fluff, like; The Beast (An Ork who waged one of the most successful WAAAGH!s in human history), Goge Vandire (The man responsible for the worst chapter in Imperial History after the Horus Heresy), [[Sindri Myr]], the Megarachnids (A footnote insectoid race in the fluff, who were hunted to extinction by the Astartes in the Great Crusade.), the [[Squats]] (We all know who they are), Hermann Von Strab (One of the most inept commanders the Imperium has ever seen, who met his end in the 2nd war of Armageddon.), the [[Old Ones]], the Techno-Barbarians of olden Terra, 3ED [[Carnifex|Old One Eye]] and [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kXU14hkuSI SLY MARBOOO] *cue explosions*. He subsequently declares himself as the new Emperor.
Later appeared for real in the second Q&A in the "Retconnian" with Malal and the Squats, and calms Malal's tantrum like a parent consoling a child.
*'''[[Kaldor Draigo]]''': Makes a short appearance after Fyodor and the rest of his attack force was sent into the warp by Magnus. He's clearly gone batshit insane after so long in the warp. He pops all around Fyodor and annoys him, driving the Inquisitor to scream in annoyance.
*'''[[Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka]]''': Currently beating up the Overfiend of Octarius, as in official lore. It's still unknown where Thraka's gonna fit into things, though it will likely be to assemble all Orks into a single Great WAAAGH!!
[[Image:Cyph.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Cypher]]''': He shows up for two vague, foreshadowing scenes. Hasn't been seen since season 1 (but the planet he's standing on, Orior, has).
*'''[[Cegorach]]''': The Laughing God, shown guarding the Black Library. He encounters Ahriman trying to enter and forcefully boots him out after a bit of trolling. For some reason has a French accent.
*'''[[Isha]]''': Despite being a kidnapping-victim initially, Isha is now in a relationship with Nurgle. She hates Tzeentch and Slaanesh, mocking the former and encouraging Nurgle to plague the latter.
*'''[[Gork]] and [[Mork]] (or was it Mork and Gork?)''': Two dumbfucks who argue with each other in other people's conversations on Spacebook, with Gork not actually knowing he's using the Interwarp and trying to figure out how to use it while already on it.
*'''[[Khaine]]''': Disappointed and annoyed by all the young Gods around him, sounds like an old man beat-down by life.
[[Image:Text Marines.jpg|thumb|right]]
[[Image:Eliphas.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Roboute Guilliman]]''': The Emperor has regularly made a point of ordering the Custodes Captain-General to have him taken off life-support. Currently the only reason he's still alive is Kitten continually "forgetting" to do this. The result of his actions and the Codex Astartes horrifies his father.
*'''[[Felinids]]''': [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUuvHPr4BGk The ultimate let-down.]
*'''[[Stormcast Eternals|Ground Marines]]''': Introduced as a short spoof episode after the release of [[Age of Sigmar]], a group of Ultramarines determined to bring their superior selves to the service of [[Sigmar|"other Emperors"]] enter a portal and come out transformed as Stormcast Eternals, their appearance crushing a small group of [[The Empire (Warhammer Fantasy)|Empire]] Flagellants. Text then appeared expressing condolences for [[Warhammer Fantasy]] fans. Although non-canon, its a jab at Games Workshop's need to crowbar Space Marines everywhere ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-MzNpMD1K8 As the Stormcast Eternals largely resemble the Space Marines]. Heck, their posterboy group even takes after [[Ultramarines|The Greatest Of Them All]] with the blue, white, and gold color scheme).
*'''[[Eliphas The Inheritor]]''': Makes a cameo in the second Q&A episode having sent a letter to the Emperor saying "Dear Corpse Emperor, Furk You." The episode then cuts to him laughing manically thinking he's so clever before the Emperor psychically punches him, promptly shutting him up.

===Triva===
* The Emperor's motivation for creating the Human Webway was obtaining Eldar prostitutes, who could take him much better than humans could. The other benefits were an afterthought.
* The Emperor is plagued by a phantom-itch (courtesy of Nurgle) which caused his nose to continue itching long after it fell off and rotted out of existence. Tzeentch believes the frustration will cause him to explode, destroying humanity and causing him to become a new Chaos God.
* The Emperor likes tacos.
* The Emperor believes that [[Love Can Bloom]] will result in humans passing STDs onto Eldar, so he condones interspecies romance.
* The Emperor's left eye was accidentally poked out by Rogal Dorn's iron halo while attaching him to the Golden Throne. The Emperor intends to somehow resurrect him to punish him for it.
* The Emperor's shattered psyche includes knowledge of the 4th wall. This is not always available.
* The Emperor created the formula indicating when there is enough dakka. Only he himself and Kitten know it.
* The Emperor approves of the Tau in theory, although in practice only those willing to engage in melee. So basically just the Farsight Enclaves.
* In fact, the Emperor actually approves of any Xenos that isn't a threat to mankind. Absolute eradication is unnecessary if regulation suffices.

==Gallery==
<gallery>
Image:Text To Heresy.png
Image:NOT CANON.png
</gallery>

==External Links==

* [https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLyiDf91_bTEgnBN0jAvzNbqzrlMGID5WA The entire series.]
* [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/WebVideo/IfTheEmperorHadATextToSpeechDevice TV Tropes's page, for extra references.]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqbQ_oKmflM A remix cover of the ending theme by brony StringStorm, check his other remixes too.]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzPuK1vib_c Not content with his first remix, StringStorm made a second one.]

[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Gods]]