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If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device

2016-04-29T15:54:20Z

2604:6000:B640:D100:D42A:E84B:E8A6:F8C7: /* Dramatis Personae */

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[[File:If-the-emperor.png|500px|right|thumb|Prepare yourself for pure undiluted WIN!]]

'''The Lord:'''

''"You've nothing more to say to me? You come but to complain unendingly? Is never aught right to your mind?"''

'''Mephistopheles:'''

''"No, Lord! All is still downright bad, I find."''

- Goethe's Faust, Prologue in Heaven.

A Youtube series created by Bruva Alfabusa, the show follows the exploits of Emprah himself in his quest to bring the Imperium of Man to its former glory, helped by the captain of the Custodes "Little Kitten", Magnus (now forgiven and with soul) and a hilarious cast of other major 40k characters. The series has become a complete success, mostly by poking fun on many of the memes, traditions and quirks of the 40k universe and the fandom but also by some very awesome scenes and, of course, great music.

Most fans agree that, while a wild and very unserious take on the 40k universe, the plot itself isn't actually that outlandish (apart from the [[Ultramarines]] capturing [[Magnus the Red]]...). If the Emps would wake up, it's pretty much a given that he would remove the worst parts of the Inquisition as some of the first things, while probably being an ass, as he always was. The unsure part is if the Emps would have learned from his 10,000 years of mistakes, which the series believes he has, deep inside. Doesn't help his [[Rage|temper]] though.

The so-called "TTS-verse" also includes Karl the Deranged's series [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5enLrHSMuIs Chaos Descends], and Eliphas the Inheritor's [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1cXYan0NQA Behemoth] trilogy. "Specials" are slated for story content that takes place outside the throne room.

==Dramatis Personae==

Starting off with a few characters, the series has evolved to encompass a fuckton of major and minor characters, with their own small arcs and all. It's not quite [[Order of the Stick|OotS]] level, but it's getting there.

===Team Emperor===

[[Image:Pleased Emprah.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Emperor of Mankind]]''': The Emprah, who's now able to verbally communicate with people after Techpriests installed a text-to-speech device on his throne. You know how Rouboute Guilliman is a 'jerk with a heart of gold'? Well the Emperor is a massive frothing plasteel dickbag with tourettes, with a heart of gold/platinum alloy studded with diamonds. Is currently planning to rebuild the Imperium after hearing the clusterfuck of stories from his Captain-General caretaker. He also has a pet [[Centurion Squad|Centurion]] (who turns out to be rather important), which he finds adorable, while finding [[Dreadknight]]s abominable. He is a jerk, frequently insulting the Captain General with little reason other than he can (and because it's funny), and dialogue with Magnus implies he's always been a prick. Nonetheless he is ultimately a sympathetic character who wanted to create a better future for humanity and the comedic outrage he displays at all the bad news he gets is justified given how he frequently hears about costly victories that could have been avoided if the men in charge were less incompetent and how the Imperium has been destroying itself (usually because of the Inquisition). The Emperor has a new plan for defeating Chaos after the "starve them out by getting rid of religion" plan didn't work, but like before, he refuses to tell anyone what that plan is.

[[Image:Sad Kitten.jpg|thumb|right]]
*''' Custodes Captain-General''': Captain-General of the [[Adeptus Custodes]] and the only Custode who appears to have retained his sanity after the near-death of the Emperor, and for that matter one of the few sane humans in the Imperium. He serves as both the Emperor's personal caretaker and assistant, and pretty much the only person he regularly talks to and his main link to the outside world. Generally the only person the Emperor trusts and treats like a son, albeit constantly berating him whenever he does something stupid, or because he just feels like it. He also seriously hates [[Tau]]. [ One episode] implies that it is because [[Shadowsun]] spurned him for the Greater Good (and also because he was a bit... fixated on the extremely y-onic shape of her nose), something he furiously and tearfully declares ''must'' be non-canon. He is named ''Little Kitten'' by his fellow Custodes, for "purring his way so far into their ranks", but his real name is a long seemingly nonsensical word salad supposedly based on his accomplishments... But given how he's been stuck in the palace for the last ten thousand years said accomplishments include things like "waffles". His frequent emotional outbursts despite the supposed emotionless state of the Custodes is intentional, and played for humor. After being forced out of the position of caretaker by his fellow Custodes, Kitten fell into a depression, to which Magnus ominously is taking advantage of.

*'''[[Magnus the Red]]''': The closest thing to a sane person besides the Captain-General (who plays the straight man depending on the situation). Retrieved from wherever within the Warp by the sheer plot-armor-powered efforts of [[Cato Sicarius]] and then brought to the Golden Throne, followed by the Emperor bullying [[Tzeentch]] in order to steal back Magnus' soul. Touched, he somehow managed to forgive the Emperor (sort of) and decided to help the Emps with his plan to fix the Imperium, but Emps being a jerk to him is starting to test his patience. The shiny new bike he was given helped with their reconciliation, though just how well his apparent heel-face turn has actually stuck is up for debate at best. He may not be actively working for Chaos anymore, but he also quickly runs out of patience with his father and is attempting to fix the Imperium without his help, partly because he has serious doubts about his current sanity (which is kind of justified), and partly just to spite him. Magnus turns into a [[neckbeard]]ed daemon cyclops [http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/mediawiki/images/9/9a/MagnusEpic.jpg that is a bit reminiscent of his old model back in] [[Epic]], whenever he enters [[rage]] mode - usually prompted by any mention of [[furries|space wolves]].

===Imperials (So sorta good guys)===

[[Image:Pillar-Stodes.png|thumb|right]]
*'''The Pillar-stodes (Wamuudes, Custodisi, Karstodes)''': Some of the Emperor's personal companions from the Great Crusade days. After his interment into the Golden Throne, the rest of the Custodes have shed their armor as a sign of mourning. This, however, has also caused them to become fabulous hedonists (although somehow not to a Slaaneshi-tier extreme, they actually despise slaaneshi daemons the most, much to the Emperor's confusion), which greatly disturbs the Emperor. They also have no respect for their Captain General and don't even seem to remember that he's their superior. They constantly slip innuendos into their conversations, much to the discomfort of everyone involved. Except for Rogal; he's too literal-minded to notice. A running gag with them is that whenever the Pillarstodes come into a scene, they would dynamically jump in from nowhere with their own [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUhVCoTsBaM personal theme song]. The three Pillarstodes appearance is based on the Pillar Men from Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: Battle Tendency; a group of fabulously well-built, half-naked Aztec vampire demigods seeking immortality.

[[Image:High Lords Text.jpg|thumb|left]]
*'''The [[High Lords of Terra]]''': The people responsible for running the Imperium itself. Despite this the majority of the High Lords never really discuss or do anything to the betterment of the Imperium and just act senile, once planning to outlaw breathing for everyone but them. There are currently 5 High Lords featured, aside from the Captain-General.¨
[[Image:High Lords 2.jpg|thumb|right]]
**'''[[Ecclesiarchy|Ecclesiarch]] Decius XXIII''': The only non-senile High Lord aside from the Captain General, who legitimately takes his post seriously, even standing up to Fyodor and forbidding him to shed a single drop of blood from Terra's population (which Fyodor circumvented by using incendiary weaponry). For not screwing up the Emperor's plan, not being an overzealous bag of insanity, and rushing to try to save the Emperor when Fyodor stormed Terra's Palace he is allowed to stay leader of the Ecclesiarchy, even as the Emps is disbanding it, due to the fact that he and those who obeyed Emprah now are in charge of reforming the Imperium from the craphole it has sink in. [[Space Marines|Loyality to the man rather than the word]] finally payed off. Just about everyone mocks him for his hat, which gets limp or...stiff depending on his emotional state. Hat Boners?!? [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pq-6aj9sNvo He proved that despite the crap others give him, he can make some pretty rousing speeches on the fly].
**'''Fabricator-General of Mars''': The head of the Adeptus Mechanicus. Is so old that his voice stutters every time he speaks like a broken version of Stephen Hawking in addition to always speaking in little tunes. Constantly does nothing but insult his fellow high lords for being made of flesh and recommend they swap out their fleshy bits for mechanical augmentations.
**'''Grand Provost Marshal''': Head of the Adeptus Arbites, who does nothing but propose to make everything illegal. [[Judge Dredd| HE IS THE LAW]].
**'''Master of the Administratum''': The head of the Imperial bureaucracy. A bit less inept than the rest of the high lords, he acts like your everyday senile grandfather.
**'''Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard''': The leader of the Imperial Guard. Doesn't do much, apart from comparing war to the good ol' days. Aware enough to know that the removal of minor luxuries (laxatives, breathing) may have detrimental effects on the Imperial Guard. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUrhqCkYwps Lays a sicknasty dilarius biznasty beat.]

===The Ultramarines===
*'''[[Marneus Calgar]]''': Chapter Master of the Ultramarines. He's currently depressed and frustrated at the state of the Ultramarines where they basically win everything (due to their plot armor) as well as their strict adherence to the Codex Astartes to the point that it's no longer fun anymore. Due to this, his mood is eternally grumpy, only made worse by Sicarius' constant gloating. He actually seems to care deeply for the men under his command as he get extremely pissed off when Sicarius put his marines at unnecessary risk to achieve another victory to inflate his reputation. He also appears in a flashback during the second [[Tyranid]] war in Ultramar, where he did battle with the Swarmlord. [https://youtu.be/cB79pnU2f2I?t=5m30s While he put up a valiant fight, he found that they were equally matched, and thus, declared it a draw.]

*'''[[Cato Sicarius]]''': Current Captain of the Ultramarines 2nd company. His persona's played as Cato's canon need to be a glory hound and the embodiment of the Ultramarines' plot armor, turned up to eleven, where he only cares for his advancement in the ranks of the Ultramarines and not much else. He apparently undertook the mission to capture Magnus the Red. Alone. Without his gellar field turned on, and his survival at such mission greatly pissed off Calgar to no ends, who was hoping he would die. He is also very verbal about his intention to take the position of Chapter Master, which ''greatly'' upsets Calgar (as Cato's dialogues largely implies that he's better than him and wishes for his death), to the point where he threatens to perform an "Imperial Fisting" upon Sicarius with his Gauntlets if he continues such thoughts. He also has a very egotistical, effeminate voice that can only be described as "the love child of tinnitus and a jackhammer", and he always refers to himself in the third person. [https://youtu.be/bM8YGsAmeqE?t=1m56s It's goddamn hilarious.]

*'''[[Uriel Ventris]]''': Current Captain of the Ultramarines 4th company. He doesn't have a lot of development yet, but appears as a close friend of Calgar and is the only one who's noticed the Ultramarines' theme of somehow always completing utterly suicidal missions. He comes to realize that some unknown force is tampering with space and time to rewrite history,([https://youtu.be/eG82ruvH0jc?t=120 Probably has to do with an ''itsy bitsy little'' '''SHARD''']) covering up the Ultramarines past failures and playing up their successes to impossible levels, and starts to suspect that Calgar knows more about this than he's letting on.

*'''[[Roboute Guilliman]]''': The Emperor has regularly made a point of ordering the Custodes Captain-General to have him taken off life-support. Currently the only reason he's still alive is Kitten winning an epic duel in a children's card game against the Emperor. The result of his actions and the Codex Astartes horrifies his father.

===The Salamanders===
*'''[[Vulkan]]:''' Primarch of the [[Salamanders]]. After the Ultramarines found the remaining artifacts of Vulkan in secret for the Salamanders, Vulkan returned to the chapter, where his return was greeted with great adulation. He is notably quite crazy, and haunted by the ghost of Ferrus Manus. He speaks with a distinct African accent and loves friendship. He will star in a mini-series where he keeps getting side-tracked on his way to Terra to make friends with everyone he encounters.
*'''[[Vulkan He'stan|He'stan]]''': Forgefather of the Salamanders. He is seen sleeping on an anvil on fire when Cato Sicarius delivered the remaining artifacts to the Salamanders, literally driving them through the wall of the fortress into the Forgefather's personal chambers. Thinking he found the artifacts in his sleep, he subsequently declares himself to be best forgefather.

===The Raven Guard===
*'''[[Corvus_Corax|Corvus Corax]]''': Primarch of the Raven Guard. Appears at the end of one of the episodes. He's currently brooding away (and possibly stuck)in some dark room guarded by Salamanders, while writing edgy poetry in his journal.

===The Dark Angels===
*'''[[Azrael]]:''' Chapter Master of the [[Dark Angels]]. He's depicted as an overly paranoid wreck, obsessing about [[Cypher]], the [[Fallen Angels]] and constantly telling any non-inner circle member that reports to them that they're doing nothing suspicious and heretical.
*'''[[Belial]]:''' Grand Master of the Deathwing. His emo personality is hilariously turned to eleven whenever he perceives himself or his chapter as not being perfect, which is every waking second. He has an effeminate yet whiny voice.
*'''[[Asmodai]]:''' The Dark Angels' Master of Repentance. He has a somewhat intense personality with a voice reminiscent of your stereotypical 1980s cartoon villain. [https://youtu.be/M56aycpd9kA?t=19m55s REPENT, MOTHERFUCKER.]
*'''[[Watchers in the Dark|Watcher in the Dark]]:''' A Watcher that accompanies Azrael, who is apparently the only one of its kind who can talk. It suddenly spoke of Cypher while in the presence of non inner-circle Angels, [https://youtu.be/M56aycpd9kA?t=17m48s prompting Azrael to hilariously beat the shit out of it.] His speech and mannerisms appears to be based off Orko from the He-man series.

===The Imperial Fists===
*'''[[Rogal Dorn]]:''' Primarch of the [[Imperial Fists]]. Is revealed as the Emperor's personal Centurion, with whom he had nightly cuddling sessions prior to his reveal. He came out of hiding after Kitten brought up the topic of discussing the [[Space Wolves]], where he vehemently suggested not to discuss the wolves to prevent Magnus from spazzing out. His extreme bluntness is shown to be less because he is an asshole and more because he is extremely oblivious and literal-minded. It's implied that the reason for his obtuseness is because he used to scratch his head using his chainsword. Before his disappearance he used to consult his "magic pain glove" until his hand fell off. Despite his eccentricities, he knows that the end times are coming, and that not even the Chaos Gods will survive the potential end of all life in the galaxy. For all his inability to understand sarcasm, he can still make surprisingly lucid observations.

===The Black Templars===
*'''Chaplain [[Grimaldus]]:''' Shows up in a filler short where he tries to ban the holiday of Sanguinala. The other Black Templars tell him he can't, prompting him to go to his bed and throw a loyalist tantrum.

===The Space Wolves===
*'''[[Leman Russ]]''': Primarch of the Space Wolves. Has been hiding in the warp. Has a verbal staredown with Karamazov, then proceeds to relentlessly mock him while obsessing over wolves.

===The Grey Knights===
*'''[[Kaldor Draigo]]''': Makes a short appearance after Fyodor and the rest of his attack force was sent into the warp by Magnus. He's clearly gone batshit insane after so long in the warp. He pops all around Fyodor and annoys him, driving the Inquisitor to scream in annoyance. Later summoned by Kitten to handle Magnus' tantrum, which he does so in a split-second offscreen using inexplicable Mary Sue powers to defeat him.

===Adversaries===
*'''[[Abaddon the Despoiler]]''': Has yet to personally appear in the series, but has so far has been contacting various Chaos Champions to enlist their help with the next Black Crusade.
*'''[[Fulgrim]]''': Has yet to personally appear in the series, but appears to have already joined Abaddon in his plans. He makes his appearance as the person who called Lucius to get him to join Abaddon.
[[Image:Fyo-Yo.png|thumb|right]]
*'''Lord [[Inquisitor]] Fyodor Karamazov''': Inquisitor of the [[Ordo Hereticus]] and a colossal jerk even among inquisitors. When the Emperor disbanded the Inquisition, he went ballistic and led an entire crusade to Terra to purge what he thinks is heresy. Ended up in the Warp via Magnus for his troubles, after being trolled in a magnificent manner by being told he is a fragment of the Emperor. This was all [[Just As Planned| the Emperor's plan for sending out the message in the first place]], to lure in all the more destructive Inquisitors to get rid of them. He's not out of the game yet, though, and is determined to return to the Emperor.
[[Image:Domi.png|thumb|right]]
**''Dominique'': The sentient scribe servitor on Fyodor's Throne of Judgement. He comically makes fun of Fyodor on several occasions and generally breaks the serious atmosphere that the Lord Inquisitor tries to project. He also has a curious predilection for sandpaper cigarettes and a rapacious drug habit. Voiced by Gonzo the Great.
[[Image:Mall.png|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Ordo Malleus]] Inquisitor''': One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor. He appears as an Inquisitor brandishing bulky power armor, almost resembling Terminator armor (because it is, since it's a Grey Knight Grand Master, called "Grey Knight Leader" in the ending ; on a side note, the Ordo Malleus has human size Terminator Armours in it's possession). Is the most level-headed of the group.
[[Image:Here.png|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Ordo Xenos]] Inquisitor''': One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor. A xeno fetishist. She appears to be the bad cop of the group with a short temper and a rough, Russian accent. She claim that the letter of disbanding inquisition was written by a genestealer cult under the Emperor's name.
[[Image:Xen.png|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Ordo Hereticus]] Inquisitor''': One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor. He appears as an Inquisitor dressed in black and using a bolt pistol with a sight mount. He has a sort of soft-toned, yet hilarious way of speaking. He is favor of door kicking and burning building type of exterminatus, just like a medieval witch hunter.
*'''[[Torquemada Coteaz]]''': One of the Inquisitors who joined Fyodor's assault into the Imperial Palace. He shows up after Fyodor's forces was blocked off by a force of loyal Ecclesiarch priests led by Decius in the palace, but breaches their defenses by throwing a barrel of Jokaero at the defenders. This plan causes Fyodor to lose any respect for him, which solicits a disheveled response from [[Awesome| Torquemada, telling him to get off his Throne of Judgement and tell him to his face, or use his multi-melta to do what he's too pathetic to]]. Fyodor backs off and lets him leave. So far he appears to be the only sane Inquisitor, snarling at Fyodor to not execute the Emperor for whatever offense he may pull out of his ass. He's also busy with [[The Lord Inquisitor|making a film]], which is why he didn't stay to see Fyodor's plans go to the Warp.
*'''Inquisitor Javerticus''': the most dedicated and charismatic of them all, and also an awesome singer and swordsman. Sadly, the Grey Knights doesn't seem to comprehend his awesomely dramatic greatness.

*'''The Gods of [[Chaos]]''': The gods here are less chaotic than their canon counterparts. More-or-less they just sit around and talk to each other, the way they did prior to the Emperor showing up and making plans to wreck their collective shit.
**[[Tzeentch]] is a petty schoolyard bully/prankster who also likes to engage in pointless overthought pseudo-philosophy, and it's unclear if he means it or if it's just part of him being a troll.
**[[Slaanesh]] is a hyperactive masochistic camwhore. Steals from Khorne and trolls with sexual innuendos.
**[[Khorne]] is the only half-way normal Chaos God (if that term could ever be applied to the Gods), who has yet to appear beyond screaming at Slaanesh for being a creepy whore. Has a fairly good relationship with Khaine, though, and they work out together at the gym. Never skips leg day, unlike the Emperor.
**[[Nurgle]] is the only one actually doing any scheming. Has a voice that's really hard to understand without subtitles, and is more focused on his waifu Isha than actually doing anything.
**[[Malal]] makes several short appearances, conversing with the various gods on Spacebook where he declares he will ruin everyone once he becomes canon again by escaping the "Retconnian" (a dimension where the Squats, Horus' soul, and other things that don't exist are banished to) and a second time is shown to exist in a pocket outside canon where he is able to influence things that are canon in subtle ways using the [[Black Crusade (RPG)|"Tyrant Star", a wandering sun that gives off black light and incites anarchy and chaos on whatever planet it shines on]]. It appears that his obsession to become relevant again is a harmful one, as Horus and a Squat talk him down from his attempts and console him when he breaks down crying about his futile attempts.

*'''[[Lucius the Eternal]]''': Slaanesh's premier champion, who sounds like what would happen if Mickey Mouse turned to Slaanesh and became a drag queen in the process (his first appearance is a direct reference to [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g56q3j8NAcw this]). First shown fucking up some Imperial Guardsmen (in all senses of the word) with his warband, laughing like a maniac all the while. He then got a call from Fulgrim, inviting him and his band to join one of Abaddon's [[Black Crusade|"huge parties"]], which he accepted. His absolutely creepy portrayal in the series is quickly becoming one of the scariest (and most enjoyable) things in the franchise, sorta an impressive achievement. Runs a prank show in his spare time, and posts the results to Spacebook.

*'''[[Ahzek Ahriman]]''': Most powerful sorcerer of the [[Thousand Sons]]. Appears in a short scene where he finally gets access to the [[Black Library]], only to be dicked with, and eventually booted out by [[Cegorach]]. Decided to quit trying to get into the Black Library for a while and take a break, but decided against the latter after being summoned by Abaddon for the Black Crusade.

*'''[[Typhus]]''': Chaos Lord of the [[Death Guard]]. Has the voice of Gilbert Gottfried, which he uses to read [[Squad Broken|erotic fanfiction]] for Lucius. Like the other chaos champions, he's been summoned by Abbadon for the Black Crusade.

*'''[[Huron Blackheart]]''': We cannot confirm his appearance in the series proper, but it appears that he is with [[Abaddon]] in the Season 3 intro, perhaps pointing to an alliance of sorts. Why in the all the names of Chaos he is there, we don't know.

*'''The [[Tyranid]] Hivemind''': Attempted to hijack the Chaos Gods' warpchat, but was kicked after too many synapses attempted connections. The Emperor claims that talking to the Tyranid Hivemind is like talking to a herd of hungry sheep.

*'''The Citizens Of The Imperium''': In special episodes where the Emperor answers mail from citizens of the Imperium (most of which is questions asked by watchers of the series), Loyalist humanity plus an odd Xeno or Chaos entity ask questions of him. These are supposed to by sorted by ''Little Kitten'' and later Magnus as well, but quite a few stupid ones get through to the point that without the aid of the cuddly Centurion, the Emperor's frustration causes Warpstorms which obliterate chunks of the universe.

===Others===
*'''[[Horus|FUCKING HORUS]]''': Appears in the April Fool's episode, where he breaks into the Emperor's throne room and incapacitates him. The Emperor declares Horus can't win because he's all alone, but says he isn't as he gathered allies while he was clawing his way out of The Warp, all of whom are some of the dead/retconned/obscure characters in the fluff, like; The Beast (An Ork who waged one of the most successful WAAAGH!s in human history), Goge Vandire (The man responsible for the worst chapter in Imperial History after the Horus Heresy), [[Sindri Myr]], the Megarachnids (A footnote insectoid race in the fluff, who were hunted to extinction by the Astartes in the Great Crusade.), the [[Squats]] (We all know who they are), Hermann Von Strab (One of the most inept commanders the Imperium has ever seen, who met his end in the 3rd War of Armageddon.), the [[Old Ones]], the Techno-Barbarians of olden Terra, 3ED [[Carnifex|Old One Eye]] and [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kXU14hkuSI SLY MARBOOO] *cue explosions*. He subsequently declares himself as the new Emperor. Later appeared for real in the second Q&A in the "Retconnian" with Malal and the Squats, and calms Malal's tantrum like a parent consoling a child.
*'''[[Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka]]''': Currently beating up the Overfiend of Octarius, as in official lore. It's still unknown where Ghazzy's gonna fit into things, though it will likely be to assemble all Orks into a single Great WAAAGH!!
[[Image:Cyph.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Cypher]]''': He shows up for two vague, foreshadowing scenes. Hasn't been seen since season 1 (but the planet he's standing on, Orior, has). This seems to take place not long after the [[Fallen_Angels#Ophidium Gulf Crusade Incident|Ophidium Gulf Crusade Incident]], as the Dark Angels managed to locate him by tracking his ship.
*'''[[Cegorach]]''': The Laughing God, shown guarding the Black Library. He encounters Ahriman trying to enter and forcefully boots him out after a bit of trolling. For some reason, he has a French accent.
*'''[[Isha]]''': Despite being a kidnapping victim initially, Isha is now in a relationship with Nurgle. She hates Tzeentch and Slaanesh, mocking the former and encouraging Nurgle to plague the latter.
*'''[[Gork]] and [[Mork]] (or was it Mork and Gork?)''': Two dumbfucks who argue with each other in other people's conversations on Spacebook, with Gork not actually knowing he's using the Interwarp and trying to figure out how to use it while already on it.
*'''[[Khaine]]''': Disappointed and annoyed by all the young Gods around him, sounds like an old man beat-down by life. He mostly hangs out in the warp chat and goes to the gym with Khorne.
[[Image:Text Marines.jpg|thumb|right]]
[[Image:Eliphas.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Felinids]]''': [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUuvHPr4BGk The ultimate let-down.]
*'''[[Necron|Necrons]]''': They appear initially in a mini-episode by Karl. Necrons all speak with low-quality Text to Speech devices, except for the Lords who can afford higher quality devices. Shennanigans ensue when an unnamed Necron Lord discovers that his lowly minions can't pronounce certain things, so now all necrons make roflcopter sounds as their war cries. '''SOI SOI MOTHERFUCKER'''
*'''[[Stormcast Eternals|Ground Marines]]''': Introduced as a short spoof episode after the release of [[Age of Sigmar]], a group of Ultramarines determined to bring their superior selves to the service of [[Sigmar|"other Emperors"]] enter a portal and come out transformed as Stormcast Eternals, their appearance crushing a small group of [[The Empire (Warhammer Fantasy)|Empire]] Flagellants. Text then appeared expressing condolences for [[Warhammer Fantasy]] fans. Although non-canon, its a jab at Games Workshop's need to crowbar Space Marines everywhere ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-MzNpMD1K8 As the Stormcast Eternals largely resemble the Space Marines]. Heck, their posterboy group even takes after [[Ultramarines|The Greatest Of Them All]] with the blue, white, and gold color scheme).
*'''[[Eliphas The Inheritor]]''': Makes a cameo in the second Q&A episode having sent a letter to the Emperor saying "Dear Corpse Emperor, Furk You." The episode then cuts to him laughing manically thinking he's so clever before the Emperor psychically punches him, promptly shutting him up.
*'''Little Billy''': A running gag character in the series. His appearance is a psychic child who made himself a crude power-armor look alike using cardboard boxes, with Alfabusa's grey and blue livery for colors. The gag about him is that Billy is constantly subjected to lethal/traumatizing events, yet still survive to appear again, leading to a joke that he is actually a perpetual. So far he's been: run over by a space marine attack bike, kidnapped and thrown into a Dark Eldar slave pit, and implied to have been molested by Lucius after contacting him using a psychic link and suddenly appearing before him and hammered in the face by a Deathwatch member before almost getting eaten by Tyranids in [https://youtu.be/mabM64rAd4k?t=25m32s| Behemoth]. He's also apparently talked to the High Lords at least once, since the Grand Provost Marshal hallucinates him.
*'''Hobo Guardsman''': also known as "Hobo-chan." Like Billy, he exists to be traumatized by the grim darkness of the universe. First he becomes an unwilling recipient of Lucius' charity efforts, that being a sandwich made from ''"freshly milked [[daemonette]] [[trap|milk]]"'', then later he gets harassed by the [[Adeptus Arbites]] for adding rat meat to his rations to make them more edible. Fed up with the bullshit, he decides to join Chaos, getting warped away before his planet is destroyed by Exterminatus.
*'''Inquisitor Headsmash''': Hangs around on a ship in low orbit waiting for heresy to occur. Has a heavily reinforced Exterminatus button which he gets a LOT of use of it - as the name implies, he hits it repatedly using his head. Has the enviable talent of hearing heresy from orbit.

==The Order of The Primarchs Return(?)==
During the season 3 intro, the silhouettes of all the primarchs seems to appear in the order they will first enter the show, as the order roughly corresponds with their actual in-series appearances so far.

* [[Rogal Dorn]] (although we don't find out it's Dorn until after Magnus turns up)
* [[Magnus]]
* [[Vulkan]]
* [[Leman Russ]]
* [[Corvus Corax]]
* [[Ferrus Manus]]
* [[Lion El'Jonson]]
* [[Jaghatai Khan]]
* [[Angron]]
* [[Perturabo]]
* [[Lorgar]]
* [[Mortarion]]
* [[Fulgrim]]
* [[Alpharius]] ???
* [[Konrad Curze]]
* [[Roboute Guilliman]]
* [[Sanguinius]]
* [[Horus]]

==Trivia==
* The Emperor's motivation for creating the Human Webway was obtaining Eldar prostitutes, who could take him much better than humans could. The other benefits were an afterthought.
* The Emperor is plagued by a phantom-itch (courtesy of Nurgle) which caused his nose to continue itching long after it fell off and rotted out of existence. Tzeentch believes the frustration will cause him to explode, destroying humanity and causing him to become a new Chaos God.
* The Emperor likes tacos.
* The Emperor believes that [[Love Can Bloom]] will result in humans passing STDs onto Eldar, so he condones interspecies romance.
* The Emperor's left eye was accidentally poked out by Rogal Dorn's iron halo while attaching him to the Golden Throne (prompting the replacement before the rest of his body decayed). The Emperor intends to somehow resurrect him to punish him for it (though now that's no longer a necessity). Actually, in older depictions of the Emperor's duel with Horus, it is one of the wounds inflicting upon him (he also broke many bones, burned the Emperor's fabulous hairs, poisoned him and a lot of stuff...).
* Some of the Emperor's previous personas included Moses and [[Chris-Chan]]. Yes, really.
* The Emperor's shattered psyche includes knowledge of the 4th wall. This is not always available.
* The Emperor created the formula indicating when there is enough [[dakka]]. Only he himself and Kitten know it.
* The Emperor approves of the Tau in theory, although in practice only those willing to engage in melee. So basically just the [[Farsight|Farsight Enclaves]].
* In fact, the Emperor actually approves of any Xenos that isn't a threat to mankind. Absolute eradication is unnecessary if regulation suffices.
* Despite his intentions for the Imperial Truth involve suffocating the Chaos Gods, the Emperor's attempts at atheism are in fact making [[Necoho|an actual god of disbelief]]...according to Magnus.
* The Emperor can shape the [[Astronomicon]] so that he can flip the bird to the rest of the galaxy.
* Has a known hobby: Plays a children's card game (Yu Gi Oh) with a clearly cheesy, overpowered and unfair deck...that, like most [[cheese]], was destroyed as soon as it came across a hard counter. [[Horus Heresy|Apparently Emprah still hasn't learnt the lesson about why using OP stuff is a very bad idea.]]

==Gallery==
<gallery>
Image:Text To Heresy.png| If [[/d/]] still existed in 40k you can bet the Emperor would purge it.
Image:NOT CANON.png| Kitten with his TOTALLY NOT CANON girlfriend [[Shadowsun]]
Image:EmperorSureal.gif| Emp's reaction to most things that have happened to the Imperium
Image:EmperorDisgraceful.gif| Likewise
Image:EmperorPunchesTzeentch.gif| The Emperor taking out his frustration on a certain [[Tzeentch|indecisive mollusk]]
Image:MagnusRant.gif| Magnus is not a fan of the Imperium's general intelligence levels
Image:DeciusHatBoner.gif| What passes for "Religious Ecstasy" in the Ecclisiarchy
Image:UltraFucknCrying.gif| Calgar's dissapointment over the flanderization of the Ultramarines is palpable
Image:PillarstodesEntrance.gif| <nowiki>*Cue Awaken.mp3*</nowiki>
</gallery>

==External Links==

* [https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLyiDf91_bTEgnBN0jAvzNbqzrlMGID5WA The entire series.]
* [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/WebVideo/IfTheEmperorHadATextToSpeechDevice TV Tropes's page, for extra references.]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqbQ_oKmflM A remix cover of the ending theme by StringStorm, check his other remixes too.]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzPuK1vib_c Not content with his first remix, StringStorm made a second one.]

[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Gods]]

If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device

2016-04-29T15:52:33Z

2604:6000:B640:D100:D42A:E84B:E8A6:F8C7: /* Others */

{{awesome}}
{{template:Spoilers}}

[[File:If-the-emperor.png|500px|right|thumb|Prepare yourself for pure undiluted WIN!]]

'''The Lord:'''

''"You've nothing more to say to me? You come but to complain unendingly? Is never aught right to your mind?"''

'''Mephistopheles:'''

''"No, Lord! All is still downright bad, I find."''

- Goethe's Faust, Prologue in Heaven.

A Youtube series created by Bruva Alfabusa, the show follows the exploits of Emprah himself in his quest to bring the Imperium of Man to its former glory, helped by the captain of the Custodes "Little Kitten", Magnus (now forgiven and with soul) and a hilarious cast of other major 40k characters. The series has become a complete success, mostly by poking fun on many of the memes, traditions and quirks of the 40k universe and the fandom but also by some very awesome scenes and, of course, great music.

Most fans agree that, while a wild and very unserious take on the 40k universe, the plot itself isn't actually that outlandish (apart from the [[Ultramarines]] capturing [[Magnus the Red]]...). If the Emps would wake up, it's pretty much a given that he would remove the worst parts of the Inquisition as some of the first things, while probably being an ass, as he always was. The unsure part is if the Emps would have learned from his 10,000 years of mistakes, which the series believes he has, deep inside. Doesn't help his [[Rage|temper]] though.

The so-called "TTS-verse" also includes Karl the Deranged's series [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5enLrHSMuIs Chaos Descends], and Eliphas the Inheritor's [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1cXYan0NQA Behemoth] trilogy. "Specials" are slated for story content that takes place outside the throne room.

==Dramatis Personae==

Starting off with a few characters, the series has evolved to encompass a fuckton of major and minor characters, with their own small arcs and all. It's not quite [[Order of the Stick|OotS]] level, but it's getting there.

===Team Emperor===

[[Image:Pleased Emprah.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Emperor of Mankind]]''': The Emprah, who's now able to verbally communicate with people after Techpriests installed a text-to-speech device on his throne. You know how Rouboute Guilliman is a 'jerk with a heart of gold'? Well the Emperor is a massive frothing plasteel dickbag with tourettes, with a heart of gold/platinum alloy studded with diamonds. Is currently planning to rebuild the Imperium after hearing the clusterfuck of stories from his Captain-General caretaker. He also has a pet [[Centurion Squad|Centurion]] (who turns out to be rather important), which he finds adorable, while finding [[Dreadknight]]s abominable. He is a jerk, frequently insulting the Captain General with little reason other than he can (and because it's funny), and dialogue with Magnus implies he's always been a prick. Nonetheless he is ultimately a sympathetic character who wanted to create a better future for humanity and the comedic outrage he displays at all the bad news he gets is justified given how he frequently hears about costly victories that could have been avoided if the men in charge were less incompetent and how the Imperium has been destroying itself (usually because of the Inquisition). The Emperor has a new plan for defeating Chaos after the "starve them out by getting rid of religion" plan didn't work, but like before, he refuses to tell anyone what that plan is.

[[Image:Sad Kitten.jpg|thumb|right]]
*''' Custodes Captain-General''': Captain-General of the [[Adeptus Custodes]] and the only Custode who appears to have retained his sanity after the near-death of the Emperor, and for that matter one of the few sane humans in the Imperium. He serves as both the Emperor's personal caretaker and assistant, and pretty much the only person he regularly talks to and his main link to the outside world. Generally the only person the Emperor trusts and treats like a son, albeit constantly berating him whenever he does something stupid, or because he just feels like it. He also seriously hates [[Tau]]. [ One episode] implies that it is because [[Shadowsun]] spurned him for the Greater Good (and also because he was a bit... fixated on the extremely y-onic shape of her nose), something he furiously and tearfully declares ''must'' be non-canon. He is named ''Little Kitten'' by his fellow Custodes, for "purring his way so far into their ranks", but his real name is a long seemingly nonsensical word salad supposedly based on his accomplishments... But given how he's been stuck in the palace for the last ten thousand years said accomplishments include things like "waffles". His frequent emotional outbursts despite the supposed emotionless state of the Custodes is intentional, and played for humor. After being forced out of the position of caretaker by his fellow Custodes, Kitten fell into a depression, to which Magnus ominously is taking advantage of.

*'''[[Magnus the Red]]''': The closest thing to a sane person besides the Captain-General (who plays the straight man depending on the situation). Retrieved from wherever within the Warp by the sheer plot-armor-powered efforts of [[Cato Sicarius]] and then brought to the Golden Throne, followed by the Emperor bullying [[Tzeentch]] in order to steal back Magnus' soul. Touched, he somehow managed to forgive the Emperor (sort of) and decided to help the Emps with his plan to fix the Imperium, but Emps being a jerk to him is starting to test his patience. The shiny new bike he was given helped with their reconciliation, though just how well his apparent heel-face turn has actually stuck is up for debate at best. He may not be actively working for Chaos anymore, but he also quickly runs out of patience with his father and is attempting to fix the Imperium without his help, partly because he has serious doubts about his current sanity (which is kind of justified), and partly just to spite him. Magnus turns into a [[neckbeard]]ed daemon cyclops [http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/mediawiki/images/9/9a/MagnusEpic.jpg that is a bit reminiscent of his old model back in] [[Epic]], whenever he enters [[rage]] mode - usually prompted by any mention of [[furries|space wolves]].

===Imperials (So sorta good guys)===

[[Image:Pillar-Stodes.png|thumb|right]]
*'''The Pillar-stodes (Wamuudes, Custodisi, Karstodes)''': Some of the Emperor's personal companions from the Great Crusade days. After his interment into the Golden Throne, the rest of the Custodes have shed their armor as a sign of mourning. This, however, has also caused them to become fabulous hedonists (although somehow not to a Slaaneshi-tier extreme, they actually despise slaaneshi daemons the most, much to the Emperor's confusion), which greatly disturbs the Emperor. They also have no respect for their Captain General and don't even seem to remember that he's their superior. They constantly slip innuendos into their conversations, much to the discomfort of everyone involved. Except for Rogal; he's too literal-minded to notice. A running gag with them is that whenever the Pillarstodes come into a scene, they would dynamically jump in from nowhere with their own [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUhVCoTsBaM personal theme song]. The three Pillarstodes appearance is based on the Pillar Men from Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: Battle Tendency; a group of fabulously well-built, half-naked Aztec vampire demigods seeking immortality.

[[Image:High Lords Text.jpg|thumb|left]]
*'''The [[High Lords of Terra]]''': The people responsible for running the Imperium itself. Despite this the majority of the High Lords never really discuss or do anything to the betterment of the Imperium and just act senile, once planning to outlaw breathing for everyone but them. There are currently 5 High Lords featured, aside from the Captain-General.¨
[[Image:High Lords 2.jpg|thumb|right]]
**'''[[Ecclesiarchy|Ecclesiarch]] Decius XXIII''': The only non-senile High Lord aside from the Captain General, who legitimately takes his post seriously, even standing up to Fyodor and forbidding him to shed a single drop of blood from Terra's population (which Fyodor circumvented by using incendiary weaponry). For not screwing up the Emperor's plan, not being an overzealous bag of insanity, and rushing to try to save the Emperor when Fyodor stormed Terra's Palace he is allowed to stay leader of the Ecclesiarchy, even as the Emps is disbanding it, due to the fact that he and those who obeyed Emprah now are in charge of reforming the Imperium from the craphole it has sink in. [[Space Marines|Loyality to the man rather than the word]] finally payed off. Just about everyone mocks him for his hat, which gets limp or...stiff depending on his emotional state. Hat Boners?!? [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pq-6aj9sNvo He proved that despite the crap others give him, he can make some pretty rousing speeches on the fly].
**'''Fabricator-General of Mars''': The head of the Adeptus Mechanicus. Is so old that his voice stutters every time he speaks like a broken version of Stephen Hawking in addition to always speaking in little tunes. Constantly does nothing but insult his fellow high lords for being made of flesh and recommend they swap out their fleshy bits for mechanical augmentations.
**'''Grand Provost Marshal''': Head of the Adeptus Arbites, who does nothing but propose to make everything illegal. [[Judge Dredd| HE IS THE LAW]].
**'''Master of the Administratum''': The head of the Imperial bureaucracy. A bit less inept than the rest of the high lords, he acts like your everyday senile grandfather.
**'''Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard''': The leader of the Imperial Guard. Doesn't do much, apart from comparing war to the good ol' days. Aware enough to know that the removal of minor luxuries (laxatives, breathing) may have detrimental effects on the Imperial Guard. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUrhqCkYwps Lays a sicknasty dilarius biznasty beat.]

===The Ultramarines===
*'''[[Marneus Calgar]]''': Chapter Master of the Ultramarines. He's currently depressed and frustrated at the state of the Ultramarines where they basically win everything (due to their plot armor) as well as their strict adherence to the Codex Astartes to the point that it's no longer fun anymore. Due to this, his mood is eternally grumpy, only made worse by Sicarius' constant gloating. He actually seems to care deeply for the men under his command as he get extremely pissed off when Sicarius put his marines at unnecessary risk to achieve another victory to inflate his reputation. He also appears in a flashback during the second [[Tyranid]] war in Ultramar, where he did battle with the Swarmlord. [https://youtu.be/cB79pnU2f2I?t=5m30s While he put up a valiant fight, he found that they were equally matched, and thus, declared it a draw.]

*'''[[Cato Sicarius]]''': Current Captain of the Ultramarines 2nd company. His persona's played as Cato's canon need to be a glory hound and the embodiment of the Ultramarines' plot armor, turned up to eleven, where he only cares for his advancement in the ranks of the Ultramarines and not much else. He apparently undertook the mission to capture Magnus the Red. Alone. Without his gellar field turned on, and his survival at such mission greatly pissed off Calgar to no ends, who was hoping he would die. He is also very verbal about his intention to take the position of Chapter Master, which ''greatly'' upsets Calgar (as Cato's dialogues largely implies that he's better than him and wishes for his death), to the point where he threatens to perform an "Imperial Fisting" upon Sicarius with his Gauntlets if he continues such thoughts. He also has a very egotistical, effeminate voice that can only be described as "the love child of tinnitus and a jackhammer", and he always refers to himself in the third person. [https://youtu.be/bM8YGsAmeqE?t=1m56s It's goddamn hilarious.]

*'''[[Uriel Ventris]]''': Current Captain of the Ultramarines 4th company. He doesn't have a lot of development yet, but appears as a close friend of Calgar and is the only one who's noticed the Ultramarines' theme of somehow always completing utterly suicidal missions. He comes to realize that some unknown force is tampering with space and time to rewrite history,([https://youtu.be/eG82ruvH0jc?t=120 Probably has to do with an ''itsy bitsy little'' '''SHARD''']) covering up the Ultramarines past failures and playing up their successes to impossible levels, and starts to suspect that Calgar knows more about this than he's letting on.

*'''[[Roboute Guilliman]]''': The Emperor has regularly made a point of ordering the Custodes Captain-General to have him taken off life-support. Currently the only reason he's still alive is Kitten winning an epic duel in a children's card game against the Emperor. The result of his actions and the Codex Astartes horrifies his father.

===The Salamanders===
*'''[[Vulkan]]:''' Primarch of the [[Salamanders]]. After the Ultramarines found the remaining artifacts of Vulkan in secret for the Salamanders, Vulkan returned to the chapter, where his return was greeted with great adulation. He is notably quite crazy, and haunted by the ghost of Ferrus Manus. He speaks with a distinct African accent and loves friendship. He will star in a mini-series where he keeps getting side-tracked on his way to Terra to make friends with everyone he encounters.
*'''[[Vulkan He'stan|He'stan]]''': Forgefather of the Salamanders. He is seen sleeping on an anvil on fire when Cato Sicarius delivered the remaining artifacts to the Salamanders, literally driving them through the wall of the fortress into the Forgefather's personal chambers. Thinking he found the artifacts in his sleep, he subsequently declares himself to be best forgefather.

===The Raven Guard===
*'''[[Corvus_Corax|Corvus Corax]]''': Primarch of the Raven Guard. Appears at the end of one of the episodes. He's currently brooding away (and possibly stuck)in some dark room guarded by Salamanders, while writing edgy poetry in his journal.

===The Dark Angels===
*'''[[Azrael]]:''' Chapter Master of the [[Dark Angels]]. He's depicted as an overly paranoid wreck, obsessing about [[Cypher]], the [[Fallen Angels]] and constantly telling any non-inner circle member that reports to them that they're doing nothing suspicious and heretical.
*'''[[Belial]]:''' Grand Master of the Deathwing. His emo personality is hilariously turned to eleven whenever he perceives himself or his chapter as not being perfect, which is every waking second. He has an effeminate yet whiny voice.
*'''[[Asmodai]]:''' The Dark Angels' Master of Repentance. He has a somewhat intense personality with a voice reminiscent of your stereotypical 1980s cartoon villain. [https://youtu.be/M56aycpd9kA?t=19m55s REPENT, MOTHERFUCKER.]
*'''[[Watchers in the Dark|Watcher in the Dark]]:''' A Watcher that accompanies Azrael, who is apparently the only one of its kind who can talk. It suddenly spoke of Cypher while in the presence of non inner-circle Angels, [https://youtu.be/M56aycpd9kA?t=17m48s prompting Azrael to hilariously beat the shit out of it.] His speech and mannerisms appears to be based off Orko from the He-man series.

===The Imperial Fists===
*'''[[Rogal Dorn]]:''' Primarch of the [[Imperial Fists]]. Is revealed as the Emperor's personal Centurion, with whom he had nightly cuddling sessions prior to his reveal. He came out of hiding after Kitten brought up the topic of discussing the [[Space Wolves]], where he vehemently suggested not to discuss the wolves to prevent Magnus from spazzing out. His extreme bluntness is shown to be less because he is an asshole and more because he is extremely oblivious and literal-minded. It's implied that the reason for his obtuseness is because he used to scratch his head using his chainsword. Before his disappearance he used to consult his "magic pain glove" until his hand fell off. Despite his eccentricities, he knows that the end times are coming, and that not even the Chaos Gods will survive the potential end of all life in the galaxy. For all his inability to understand sarcasm, he can still make surprisingly lucid observations.

===The Black Templars===
*'''Chaplain [[Grimaldus]]:''' Shows up in a filler short where he tries to ban the holiday of Sanguinala. The other Black Templars tell him he can't, prompting him to go to his bed and throw a loyalist tantrum.

===The Space Wolves===
*'''[[Leman Russ]]''': Primarch of the Space Wolves. Has been hiding in the warp. Has a verbal staredown with Karamazov, then proceeds to relentlessly mock him while obsessing over wolves.

===Adversaries===
*'''[[Abaddon the Despoiler]]''': Has yet to personally appear in the series, but has so far has been contacting various Chaos Champions to enlist their help with the next Black Crusade.
*'''[[Fulgrim]]''': Has yet to personally appear in the series, but appears to have already joined Abaddon in his plans. He makes his appearance as the person who called Lucius to get him to join Abaddon.
[[Image:Fyo-Yo.png|thumb|right]]
*'''Lord [[Inquisitor]] Fyodor Karamazov''': Inquisitor of the [[Ordo Hereticus]] and a colossal jerk even among inquisitors. When the Emperor disbanded the Inquisition, he went ballistic and led an entire crusade to Terra to purge what he thinks is heresy. Ended up in the Warp via Magnus for his troubles, after being trolled in a magnificent manner by being told he is a fragment of the Emperor. This was all [[Just As Planned| the Emperor's plan for sending out the message in the first place]], to lure in all the more destructive Inquisitors to get rid of them. He's not out of the game yet, though, and is determined to return to the Emperor.
[[Image:Domi.png|thumb|right]]
**''Dominique'': The sentient scribe servitor on Fyodor's Throne of Judgement. He comically makes fun of Fyodor on several occasions and generally breaks the serious atmosphere that the Lord Inquisitor tries to project. He also has a curious predilection for sandpaper cigarettes and a rapacious drug habit. Voiced by Gonzo the Great.
[[Image:Mall.png|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Ordo Malleus]] Inquisitor''': One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor. He appears as an Inquisitor brandishing bulky power armor, almost resembling Terminator armor (because it is, since it's a Grey Knight Grand Master, called "Grey Knight Leader" in the ending ; on a side note, the Ordo Malleus has human size Terminator Armours in it's possession). Is the most level-headed of the group.
[[Image:Here.png|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Ordo Xenos]] Inquisitor''': One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor. A xeno fetishist. She appears to be the bad cop of the group with a short temper and a rough, Russian accent. She claim that the letter of disbanding inquisition was written by a genestealer cult under the Emperor's name.
[[Image:Xen.png|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Ordo Hereticus]] Inquisitor''': One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor. He appears as an Inquisitor dressed in black and using a bolt pistol with a sight mount. He has a sort of soft-toned, yet hilarious way of speaking. He is favor of door kicking and burning building type of exterminatus, just like a medieval witch hunter.
*'''[[Torquemada Coteaz]]''': One of the Inquisitors who joined Fyodor's assault into the Imperial Palace. He shows up after Fyodor's forces was blocked off by a force of loyal Ecclesiarch priests led by Decius in the palace, but breaches their defenses by throwing a barrel of Jokaero at the defenders. This plan causes Fyodor to lose any respect for him, which solicits a disheveled response from [[Awesome| Torquemada, telling him to get off his Throne of Judgement and tell him to his face, or use his multi-melta to do what he's too pathetic to]]. Fyodor backs off and lets him leave. So far he appears to be the only sane Inquisitor, snarling at Fyodor to not execute the Emperor for whatever offense he may pull out of his ass. He's also busy with [[The Lord Inquisitor|making a film]], which is why he didn't stay to see Fyodor's plans go to the Warp.
*'''Inquisitor Javerticus''': the most dedicated and charismatic of them all, and also an awesome singer and swordsman. Sadly, the Grey Knights doesn't seem to comprehend his awesomely dramatic greatness.

*'''The Gods of [[Chaos]]''': The gods here are less chaotic than their canon counterparts. More-or-less they just sit around and talk to each other, the way they did prior to the Emperor showing up and making plans to wreck their collective shit.
**[[Tzeentch]] is a petty schoolyard bully/prankster who also likes to engage in pointless overthought pseudo-philosophy, and it's unclear if he means it or if it's just part of him being a troll.
**[[Slaanesh]] is a hyperactive masochistic camwhore. Steals from Khorne and trolls with sexual innuendos.
**[[Khorne]] is the only half-way normal Chaos God (if that term could ever be applied to the Gods), who has yet to appear beyond screaming at Slaanesh for being a creepy whore. Has a fairly good relationship with Khaine, though, and they work out together at the gym. Never skips leg day, unlike the Emperor.
**[[Nurgle]] is the only one actually doing any scheming. Has a voice that's really hard to understand without subtitles, and is more focused on his waifu Isha than actually doing anything.
**[[Malal]] makes several short appearances, conversing with the various gods on Spacebook where he declares he will ruin everyone once he becomes canon again by escaping the "Retconnian" (a dimension where the Squats, Horus' soul, and other things that don't exist are banished to) and a second time is shown to exist in a pocket outside canon where he is able to influence things that are canon in subtle ways using the [[Black Crusade (RPG)|"Tyrant Star", a wandering sun that gives off black light and incites anarchy and chaos on whatever planet it shines on]]. It appears that his obsession to become relevant again is a harmful one, as Horus and a Squat talk him down from his attempts and console him when he breaks down crying about his futile attempts.

*'''[[Lucius the Eternal]]''': Slaanesh's premier champion, who sounds like what would happen if Mickey Mouse turned to Slaanesh and became a drag queen in the process (his first appearance is a direct reference to [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g56q3j8NAcw this]). First shown fucking up some Imperial Guardsmen (in all senses of the word) with his warband, laughing like a maniac all the while. He then got a call from Fulgrim, inviting him and his band to join one of Abaddon's [[Black Crusade|"huge parties"]], which he accepted. His absolutely creepy portrayal in the series is quickly becoming one of the scariest (and most enjoyable) things in the franchise, sorta an impressive achievement. Runs a prank show in his spare time, and posts the results to Spacebook.

*'''[[Ahzek Ahriman]]''': Most powerful sorcerer of the [[Thousand Sons]]. Appears in a short scene where he finally gets access to the [[Black Library]], only to be dicked with, and eventually booted out by [[Cegorach]]. Decided to quit trying to get into the Black Library for a while and take a break, but decided against the latter after being summoned by Abaddon for the Black Crusade.

*'''[[Typhus]]''': Chaos Lord of the [[Death Guard]]. Has the voice of Gilbert Gottfried, which he uses to read [[Squad Broken|erotic fanfiction]] for Lucius. Like the other chaos champions, he's been summoned by Abbadon for the Black Crusade.

*'''[[Huron Blackheart]]''': We cannot confirm his appearance in the series proper, but it appears that he is with [[Abaddon]] in the Season 3 intro, perhaps pointing to an alliance of sorts. Why in the all the names of Chaos he is there, we don't know.

*'''The [[Tyranid]] Hivemind''': Attempted to hijack the Chaos Gods' warpchat, but was kicked after too many synapses attempted connections. The Emperor claims that talking to the Tyranid Hivemind is like talking to a herd of hungry sheep.

*'''The Citizens Of The Imperium''': In special episodes where the Emperor answers mail from citizens of the Imperium (most of which is questions asked by watchers of the series), Loyalist humanity plus an odd Xeno or Chaos entity ask questions of him. These are supposed to by sorted by ''Little Kitten'' and later Magnus as well, but quite a few stupid ones get through to the point that without the aid of the cuddly Centurion, the Emperor's frustration causes Warpstorms which obliterate chunks of the universe.

===Others===
*'''[[Horus|FUCKING HORUS]]''': Appears in the April Fool's episode, where he breaks into the Emperor's throne room and incapacitates him. The Emperor declares Horus can't win because he's all alone, but says he isn't as he gathered allies while he was clawing his way out of The Warp, all of whom are some of the dead/retconned/obscure characters in the fluff, like; The Beast (An Ork who waged one of the most successful WAAAGH!s in human history), Goge Vandire (The man responsible for the worst chapter in Imperial History after the Horus Heresy), [[Sindri Myr]], the Megarachnids (A footnote insectoid race in the fluff, who were hunted to extinction by the Astartes in the Great Crusade.), the [[Squats]] (We all know who they are), Hermann Von Strab (One of the most inept commanders the Imperium has ever seen, who met his end in the 3rd War of Armageddon.), the [[Old Ones]], the Techno-Barbarians of olden Terra, 3ED [[Carnifex|Old One Eye]] and [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kXU14hkuSI SLY MARBOOO] *cue explosions*. He subsequently declares himself as the new Emperor. Later appeared for real in the second Q&A in the "Retconnian" with Malal and the Squats, and calms Malal's tantrum like a parent consoling a child.
*'''[[Kaldor Draigo]]''': Makes a short appearance after Fyodor and the rest of his attack force was sent into the warp by Magnus. He's clearly gone batshit insane after so long in the warp. He pops all around Fyodor and annoys him, driving the Inquisitor to scream in annoyance. Later summoned by Kitten to handle Magnus' tantrum, which he does so in a split-second offscreen using inexplicable Mary Sue powers to defeat him.
*'''[[Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka]]''': Currently beating up the Overfiend of Octarius, as in official lore. It's still unknown where Ghazzy's gonna fit into things, though it will likely be to assemble all Orks into a single Great WAAAGH!!
[[Image:Cyph.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Cypher]]''': He shows up for two vague, foreshadowing scenes. Hasn't been seen since season 1 (but the planet he's standing on, Orior, has). This seems to take place not long after the [[Fallen_Angels#Ophidium Gulf Crusade Incident|Ophidium Gulf Crusade Incident]], as the Dark Angels managed to locate him by tracking his ship.
*'''[[Cegorach]]''': The Laughing God, shown guarding the Black Library. He encounters Ahriman trying to enter and forcefully boots him out after a bit of trolling. For some reason, he has a French accent.
*'''[[Isha]]''': Despite being a kidnapping victim initially, Isha is now in a relationship with Nurgle. She hates Tzeentch and Slaanesh, mocking the former and encouraging Nurgle to plague the latter.
*'''[[Gork]] and [[Mork]] (or was it Mork and Gork?)''': Two dumbfucks who argue with each other in other people's conversations on Spacebook, with Gork not actually knowing he's using the Interwarp and trying to figure out how to use it while already on it.
*'''[[Khaine]]''': Disappointed and annoyed by all the young Gods around him, sounds like an old man beat-down by life. He mostly hangs out in the warp chat and goes to the gym with Khorne.
[[Image:Text Marines.jpg|thumb|right]]
[[Image:Eliphas.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Felinids]]''': [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUuvHPr4BGk The ultimate let-down.]
*'''[[Necron|Necrons]]''': They appear initially in a mini-episode by Karl. Necrons all speak with low-quality Text to Speech devices, except for the Lords who can afford higher quality devices. Shennanigans ensue when an unnamed Necron Lord discovers that his lowly minions can't pronounce certain things, so now all necrons make roflcopter sounds as their war cries. '''SOI SOI MOTHERFUCKER'''
*'''[[Stormcast Eternals|Ground Marines]]''': Introduced as a short spoof episode after the release of [[Age of Sigmar]], a group of Ultramarines determined to bring their superior selves to the service of [[Sigmar|"other Emperors"]] enter a portal and come out transformed as Stormcast Eternals, their appearance crushing a small group of [[The Empire (Warhammer Fantasy)|Empire]] Flagellants. Text then appeared expressing condolences for [[Warhammer Fantasy]] fans. Although non-canon, its a jab at Games Workshop's need to crowbar Space Marines everywhere ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-MzNpMD1K8 As the Stormcast Eternals largely resemble the Space Marines]. Heck, their posterboy group even takes after [[Ultramarines|The Greatest Of Them All]] with the blue, white, and gold color scheme).
*'''[[Eliphas The Inheritor]]''': Makes a cameo in the second Q&A episode having sent a letter to the Emperor saying "Dear Corpse Emperor, Furk You." The episode then cuts to him laughing manically thinking he's so clever before the Emperor psychically punches him, promptly shutting him up.
*'''Little Billy''': A running gag character in the series. His appearance is a psychic child who made himself a crude power-armor look alike using cardboard boxes, with Alfabusa's grey and blue livery for colors. The gag about him is that Billy is constantly subjected to lethal/traumatizing events, yet still survive to appear again, leading to a joke that he is actually a perpetual. So far he's been: run over by a space marine attack bike, kidnapped and thrown into a Dark Eldar slave pit, and implied to have been molested by Lucius after contacting him using a psychic link and suddenly appearing before him and hammered in the face by a Deathwatch member before almost getting eaten by Tyranids in [https://youtu.be/mabM64rAd4k?t=25m32s| Behemoth]. He's also apparently talked to the High Lords at least once, since the Grand Provost Marshal hallucinates him.
*'''Hobo Guardsman''': also known as "Hobo-chan." Like Billy, he exists to be traumatized by the grim darkness of the universe. First he becomes an unwilling recipient of Lucius' charity efforts, that being a sandwich made from ''"freshly milked [[daemonette]] [[trap|milk]]"'', then later he gets harassed by the [[Adeptus Arbites]] for adding rat meat to his rations to make them more edible. Fed up with the bullshit, he decides to join Chaos, getting warped away before his planet is destroyed by Exterminatus.
*'''Inquisitor Headsmash''': Hangs around on a ship in low orbit waiting for heresy to occur. Has a heavily reinforced Exterminatus button which he gets a LOT of use of it - as the name implies, he hits it repatedly using his head. Has the enviable talent of hearing heresy from orbit.

==The Order of The Primarchs Return(?)==
During the season 3 intro, the silhouettes of all the primarchs seems to appear in the order they will first enter the show, as the order roughly corresponds with their actual in-series appearances so far.

* [[Rogal Dorn]] (although we don't find out it's Dorn until after Magnus turns up)
* [[Magnus]]
* [[Vulkan]]
* [[Leman Russ]]
* [[Corvus Corax]]
* [[Ferrus Manus]]
* [[Lion El'Jonson]]
* [[Jaghatai Khan]]
* [[Angron]]
* [[Perturabo]]
* [[Lorgar]]
* [[Mortarion]]
* [[Fulgrim]]
* [[Alpharius]] ???
* [[Konrad Curze]]
* [[Roboute Guilliman]]
* [[Sanguinius]]
* [[Horus]]

==Trivia==
* The Emperor's motivation for creating the Human Webway was obtaining Eldar prostitutes, who could take him much better than humans could. The other benefits were an afterthought.
* The Emperor is plagued by a phantom-itch (courtesy of Nurgle) which caused his nose to continue itching long after it fell off and rotted out of existence. Tzeentch believes the frustration will cause him to explode, destroying humanity and causing him to become a new Chaos God.
* The Emperor likes tacos.
* The Emperor believes that [[Love Can Bloom]] will result in humans passing STDs onto Eldar, so he condones interspecies romance.
* The Emperor's left eye was accidentally poked out by Rogal Dorn's iron halo while attaching him to the Golden Throne (prompting the replacement before the rest of his body decayed). The Emperor intends to somehow resurrect him to punish him for it (though now that's no longer a necessity). Actually, in older depictions of the Emperor's duel with Horus, it is one of the wounds inflicting upon him (he also broke many bones, burned the Emperor's fabulous hairs, poisoned him and a lot of stuff...).
* Some of the Emperor's previous personas included Moses and [[Chris-Chan]]. Yes, really.
* The Emperor's shattered psyche includes knowledge of the 4th wall. This is not always available.
* The Emperor created the formula indicating when there is enough [[dakka]]. Only he himself and Kitten know it.
* The Emperor approves of the Tau in theory, although in practice only those willing to engage in melee. So basically just the [[Farsight|Farsight Enclaves]].
* In fact, the Emperor actually approves of any Xenos that isn't a threat to mankind. Absolute eradication is unnecessary if regulation suffices.
* Despite his intentions for the Imperial Truth involve suffocating the Chaos Gods, the Emperor's attempts at atheism are in fact making [[Necoho|an actual god of disbelief]]...according to Magnus.
* The Emperor can shape the [[Astronomicon]] so that he can flip the bird to the rest of the galaxy.
* Has a known hobby: Plays a children's card game (Yu Gi Oh) with a clearly cheesy, overpowered and unfair deck...that, like most [[cheese]], was destroyed as soon as it came across a hard counter. [[Horus Heresy|Apparently Emprah still hasn't learnt the lesson about why using OP stuff is a very bad idea.]]

==Gallery==
<gallery>
Image:Text To Heresy.png| If [[/d/]] still existed in 40k you can bet the Emperor would purge it.
Image:NOT CANON.png| Kitten with his TOTALLY NOT CANON girlfriend [[Shadowsun]]
Image:EmperorSureal.gif| Emp's reaction to most things that have happened to the Imperium
Image:EmperorDisgraceful.gif| Likewise
Image:EmperorPunchesTzeentch.gif| The Emperor taking out his frustration on a certain [[Tzeentch|indecisive mollusk]]
Image:MagnusRant.gif| Magnus is not a fan of the Imperium's general intelligence levels
Image:DeciusHatBoner.gif| What passes for "Religious Ecstasy" in the Ecclisiarchy
Image:UltraFucknCrying.gif| Calgar's dissapointment over the flanderization of the Ultramarines is palpable
Image:PillarstodesEntrance.gif| <nowiki>*Cue Awaken.mp3*</nowiki>
</gallery>

==External Links==

* [https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLyiDf91_bTEgnBN0jAvzNbqzrlMGID5WA The entire series.]
* [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/WebVideo/IfTheEmperorHadATextToSpeechDevice TV Tropes's page, for extra references.]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqbQ_oKmflM A remix cover of the ending theme by StringStorm, check his other remixes too.]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzPuK1vib_c Not content with his first remix, StringStorm made a second one.]

[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Gods]]

If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device

2016-04-29T15:52:04Z

2604:6000:B640:D100:D42A:E84B:E8A6:F8C7: /* The Ultramarines */

{{awesome}}
{{template:Spoilers}}

[[File:If-the-emperor.png|500px|right|thumb|Prepare yourself for pure undiluted WIN!]]

'''The Lord:'''

''"You've nothing more to say to me? You come but to complain unendingly? Is never aught right to your mind?"''

'''Mephistopheles:'''

''"No, Lord! All is still downright bad, I find."''

- Goethe's Faust, Prologue in Heaven.

A Youtube series created by Bruva Alfabusa, the show follows the exploits of Emprah himself in his quest to bring the Imperium of Man to its former glory, helped by the captain of the Custodes "Little Kitten", Magnus (now forgiven and with soul) and a hilarious cast of other major 40k characters. The series has become a complete success, mostly by poking fun on many of the memes, traditions and quirks of the 40k universe and the fandom but also by some very awesome scenes and, of course, great music.

Most fans agree that, while a wild and very unserious take on the 40k universe, the plot itself isn't actually that outlandish (apart from the [[Ultramarines]] capturing [[Magnus the Red]]...). If the Emps would wake up, it's pretty much a given that he would remove the worst parts of the Inquisition as some of the first things, while probably being an ass, as he always was. The unsure part is if the Emps would have learned from his 10,000 years of mistakes, which the series believes he has, deep inside. Doesn't help his [[Rage|temper]] though.

The so-called "TTS-verse" also includes Karl the Deranged's series [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5enLrHSMuIs Chaos Descends], and Eliphas the Inheritor's [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1cXYan0NQA Behemoth] trilogy. "Specials" are slated for story content that takes place outside the throne room.

==Dramatis Personae==

Starting off with a few characters, the series has evolved to encompass a fuckton of major and minor characters, with their own small arcs and all. It's not quite [[Order of the Stick|OotS]] level, but it's getting there.

===Team Emperor===

[[Image:Pleased Emprah.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Emperor of Mankind]]''': The Emprah, who's now able to verbally communicate with people after Techpriests installed a text-to-speech device on his throne. You know how Rouboute Guilliman is a 'jerk with a heart of gold'? Well the Emperor is a massive frothing plasteel dickbag with tourettes, with a heart of gold/platinum alloy studded with diamonds. Is currently planning to rebuild the Imperium after hearing the clusterfuck of stories from his Captain-General caretaker. He also has a pet [[Centurion Squad|Centurion]] (who turns out to be rather important), which he finds adorable, while finding [[Dreadknight]]s abominable. He is a jerk, frequently insulting the Captain General with little reason other than he can (and because it's funny), and dialogue with Magnus implies he's always been a prick. Nonetheless he is ultimately a sympathetic character who wanted to create a better future for humanity and the comedic outrage he displays at all the bad news he gets is justified given how he frequently hears about costly victories that could have been avoided if the men in charge were less incompetent and how the Imperium has been destroying itself (usually because of the Inquisition). The Emperor has a new plan for defeating Chaos after the "starve them out by getting rid of religion" plan didn't work, but like before, he refuses to tell anyone what that plan is.

[[Image:Sad Kitten.jpg|thumb|right]]
*''' Custodes Captain-General''': Captain-General of the [[Adeptus Custodes]] and the only Custode who appears to have retained his sanity after the near-death of the Emperor, and for that matter one of the few sane humans in the Imperium. He serves as both the Emperor's personal caretaker and assistant, and pretty much the only person he regularly talks to and his main link to the outside world. Generally the only person the Emperor trusts and treats like a son, albeit constantly berating him whenever he does something stupid, or because he just feels like it. He also seriously hates [[Tau]]. [ One episode] implies that it is because [[Shadowsun]] spurned him for the Greater Good (and also because he was a bit... fixated on the extremely y-onic shape of her nose), something he furiously and tearfully declares ''must'' be non-canon. He is named ''Little Kitten'' by his fellow Custodes, for "purring his way so far into their ranks", but his real name is a long seemingly nonsensical word salad supposedly based on his accomplishments... But given how he's been stuck in the palace for the last ten thousand years said accomplishments include things like "waffles". His frequent emotional outbursts despite the supposed emotionless state of the Custodes is intentional, and played for humor. After being forced out of the position of caretaker by his fellow Custodes, Kitten fell into a depression, to which Magnus ominously is taking advantage of.

*'''[[Magnus the Red]]''': The closest thing to a sane person besides the Captain-General (who plays the straight man depending on the situation). Retrieved from wherever within the Warp by the sheer plot-armor-powered efforts of [[Cato Sicarius]] and then brought to the Golden Throne, followed by the Emperor bullying [[Tzeentch]] in order to steal back Magnus' soul. Touched, he somehow managed to forgive the Emperor (sort of) and decided to help the Emps with his plan to fix the Imperium, but Emps being a jerk to him is starting to test his patience. The shiny new bike he was given helped with their reconciliation, though just how well his apparent heel-face turn has actually stuck is up for debate at best. He may not be actively working for Chaos anymore, but he also quickly runs out of patience with his father and is attempting to fix the Imperium without his help, partly because he has serious doubts about his current sanity (which is kind of justified), and partly just to spite him. Magnus turns into a [[neckbeard]]ed daemon cyclops [http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/mediawiki/images/9/9a/MagnusEpic.jpg that is a bit reminiscent of his old model back in] [[Epic]], whenever he enters [[rage]] mode - usually prompted by any mention of [[furries|space wolves]].

===Imperials (So sorta good guys)===

[[Image:Pillar-Stodes.png|thumb|right]]
*'''The Pillar-stodes (Wamuudes, Custodisi, Karstodes)''': Some of the Emperor's personal companions from the Great Crusade days. After his interment into the Golden Throne, the rest of the Custodes have shed their armor as a sign of mourning. This, however, has also caused them to become fabulous hedonists (although somehow not to a Slaaneshi-tier extreme, they actually despise slaaneshi daemons the most, much to the Emperor's confusion), which greatly disturbs the Emperor. They also have no respect for their Captain General and don't even seem to remember that he's their superior. They constantly slip innuendos into their conversations, much to the discomfort of everyone involved. Except for Rogal; he's too literal-minded to notice. A running gag with them is that whenever the Pillarstodes come into a scene, they would dynamically jump in from nowhere with their own [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUhVCoTsBaM personal theme song]. The three Pillarstodes appearance is based on the Pillar Men from Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: Battle Tendency; a group of fabulously well-built, half-naked Aztec vampire demigods seeking immortality.

[[Image:High Lords Text.jpg|thumb|left]]
*'''The [[High Lords of Terra]]''': The people responsible for running the Imperium itself. Despite this the majority of the High Lords never really discuss or do anything to the betterment of the Imperium and just act senile, once planning to outlaw breathing for everyone but them. There are currently 5 High Lords featured, aside from the Captain-General.¨
[[Image:High Lords 2.jpg|thumb|right]]
**'''[[Ecclesiarchy|Ecclesiarch]] Decius XXIII''': The only non-senile High Lord aside from the Captain General, who legitimately takes his post seriously, even standing up to Fyodor and forbidding him to shed a single drop of blood from Terra's population (which Fyodor circumvented by using incendiary weaponry). For not screwing up the Emperor's plan, not being an overzealous bag of insanity, and rushing to try to save the Emperor when Fyodor stormed Terra's Palace he is allowed to stay leader of the Ecclesiarchy, even as the Emps is disbanding it, due to the fact that he and those who obeyed Emprah now are in charge of reforming the Imperium from the craphole it has sink in. [[Space Marines|Loyality to the man rather than the word]] finally payed off. Just about everyone mocks him for his hat, which gets limp or...stiff depending on his emotional state. Hat Boners?!? [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pq-6aj9sNvo He proved that despite the crap others give him, he can make some pretty rousing speeches on the fly].
**'''Fabricator-General of Mars''': The head of the Adeptus Mechanicus. Is so old that his voice stutters every time he speaks like a broken version of Stephen Hawking in addition to always speaking in little tunes. Constantly does nothing but insult his fellow high lords for being made of flesh and recommend they swap out their fleshy bits for mechanical augmentations.
**'''Grand Provost Marshal''': Head of the Adeptus Arbites, who does nothing but propose to make everything illegal. [[Judge Dredd| HE IS THE LAW]].
**'''Master of the Administratum''': The head of the Imperial bureaucracy. A bit less inept than the rest of the high lords, he acts like your everyday senile grandfather.
**'''Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard''': The leader of the Imperial Guard. Doesn't do much, apart from comparing war to the good ol' days. Aware enough to know that the removal of minor luxuries (laxatives, breathing) may have detrimental effects on the Imperial Guard. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUrhqCkYwps Lays a sicknasty dilarius biznasty beat.]

===The Ultramarines===
*'''[[Marneus Calgar]]''': Chapter Master of the Ultramarines. He's currently depressed and frustrated at the state of the Ultramarines where they basically win everything (due to their plot armor) as well as their strict adherence to the Codex Astartes to the point that it's no longer fun anymore. Due to this, his mood is eternally grumpy, only made worse by Sicarius' constant gloating. He actually seems to care deeply for the men under his command as he get extremely pissed off when Sicarius put his marines at unnecessary risk to achieve another victory to inflate his reputation. He also appears in a flashback during the second [[Tyranid]] war in Ultramar, where he did battle with the Swarmlord. [https://youtu.be/cB79pnU2f2I?t=5m30s While he put up a valiant fight, he found that they were equally matched, and thus, declared it a draw.]

*'''[[Cato Sicarius]]''': Current Captain of the Ultramarines 2nd company. His persona's played as Cato's canon need to be a glory hound and the embodiment of the Ultramarines' plot armor, turned up to eleven, where he only cares for his advancement in the ranks of the Ultramarines and not much else. He apparently undertook the mission to capture Magnus the Red. Alone. Without his gellar field turned on, and his survival at such mission greatly pissed off Calgar to no ends, who was hoping he would die. He is also very verbal about his intention to take the position of Chapter Master, which ''greatly'' upsets Calgar (as Cato's dialogues largely implies that he's better than him and wishes for his death), to the point where he threatens to perform an "Imperial Fisting" upon Sicarius with his Gauntlets if he continues such thoughts. He also has a very egotistical, effeminate voice that can only be described as "the love child of tinnitus and a jackhammer", and he always refers to himself in the third person. [https://youtu.be/bM8YGsAmeqE?t=1m56s It's goddamn hilarious.]

*'''[[Uriel Ventris]]''': Current Captain of the Ultramarines 4th company. He doesn't have a lot of development yet, but appears as a close friend of Calgar and is the only one who's noticed the Ultramarines' theme of somehow always completing utterly suicidal missions. He comes to realize that some unknown force is tampering with space and time to rewrite history,([https://youtu.be/eG82ruvH0jc?t=120 Probably has to do with an ''itsy bitsy little'' '''SHARD''']) covering up the Ultramarines past failures and playing up their successes to impossible levels, and starts to suspect that Calgar knows more about this than he's letting on.

*'''[[Roboute Guilliman]]''': The Emperor has regularly made a point of ordering the Custodes Captain-General to have him taken off life-support. Currently the only reason he's still alive is Kitten winning an epic duel in a children's card game against the Emperor. The result of his actions and the Codex Astartes horrifies his father.

===The Salamanders===
*'''[[Vulkan]]:''' Primarch of the [[Salamanders]]. After the Ultramarines found the remaining artifacts of Vulkan in secret for the Salamanders, Vulkan returned to the chapter, where his return was greeted with great adulation. He is notably quite crazy, and haunted by the ghost of Ferrus Manus. He speaks with a distinct African accent and loves friendship. He will star in a mini-series where he keeps getting side-tracked on his way to Terra to make friends with everyone he encounters.
*'''[[Vulkan He'stan|He'stan]]''': Forgefather of the Salamanders. He is seen sleeping on an anvil on fire when Cato Sicarius delivered the remaining artifacts to the Salamanders, literally driving them through the wall of the fortress into the Forgefather's personal chambers. Thinking he found the artifacts in his sleep, he subsequently declares himself to be best forgefather.

===The Raven Guard===
*'''[[Corvus_Corax|Corvus Corax]]''': Primarch of the Raven Guard. Appears at the end of one of the episodes. He's currently brooding away (and possibly stuck)in some dark room guarded by Salamanders, while writing edgy poetry in his journal.

===The Dark Angels===
*'''[[Azrael]]:''' Chapter Master of the [[Dark Angels]]. He's depicted as an overly paranoid wreck, obsessing about [[Cypher]], the [[Fallen Angels]] and constantly telling any non-inner circle member that reports to them that they're doing nothing suspicious and heretical.
*'''[[Belial]]:''' Grand Master of the Deathwing. His emo personality is hilariously turned to eleven whenever he perceives himself or his chapter as not being perfect, which is every waking second. He has an effeminate yet whiny voice.
*'''[[Asmodai]]:''' The Dark Angels' Master of Repentance. He has a somewhat intense personality with a voice reminiscent of your stereotypical 1980s cartoon villain. [https://youtu.be/M56aycpd9kA?t=19m55s REPENT, MOTHERFUCKER.]
*'''[[Watchers in the Dark|Watcher in the Dark]]:''' A Watcher that accompanies Azrael, who is apparently the only one of its kind who can talk. It suddenly spoke of Cypher while in the presence of non inner-circle Angels, [https://youtu.be/M56aycpd9kA?t=17m48s prompting Azrael to hilariously beat the shit out of it.] His speech and mannerisms appears to be based off Orko from the He-man series.

===The Imperial Fists===
*'''[[Rogal Dorn]]:''' Primarch of the [[Imperial Fists]]. Is revealed as the Emperor's personal Centurion, with whom he had nightly cuddling sessions prior to his reveal. He came out of hiding after Kitten brought up the topic of discussing the [[Space Wolves]], where he vehemently suggested not to discuss the wolves to prevent Magnus from spazzing out. His extreme bluntness is shown to be less because he is an asshole and more because he is extremely oblivious and literal-minded. It's implied that the reason for his obtuseness is because he used to scratch his head using his chainsword. Before his disappearance he used to consult his "magic pain glove" until his hand fell off. Despite his eccentricities, he knows that the end times are coming, and that not even the Chaos Gods will survive the potential end of all life in the galaxy. For all his inability to understand sarcasm, he can still make surprisingly lucid observations.

===The Black Templars===
*'''Chaplain [[Grimaldus]]:''' Shows up in a filler short where he tries to ban the holiday of Sanguinala. The other Black Templars tell him he can't, prompting him to go to his bed and throw a loyalist tantrum.

===The Space Wolves===
*'''[[Leman Russ]]''': Primarch of the Space Wolves. Has been hiding in the warp. Has a verbal staredown with Karamazov, then proceeds to relentlessly mock him while obsessing over wolves.

===Adversaries===
*'''[[Abaddon the Despoiler]]''': Has yet to personally appear in the series, but has so far has been contacting various Chaos Champions to enlist their help with the next Black Crusade.
*'''[[Fulgrim]]''': Has yet to personally appear in the series, but appears to have already joined Abaddon in his plans. He makes his appearance as the person who called Lucius to get him to join Abaddon.
[[Image:Fyo-Yo.png|thumb|right]]
*'''Lord [[Inquisitor]] Fyodor Karamazov''': Inquisitor of the [[Ordo Hereticus]] and a colossal jerk even among inquisitors. When the Emperor disbanded the Inquisition, he went ballistic and led an entire crusade to Terra to purge what he thinks is heresy. Ended up in the Warp via Magnus for his troubles, after being trolled in a magnificent manner by being told he is a fragment of the Emperor. This was all [[Just As Planned| the Emperor's plan for sending out the message in the first place]], to lure in all the more destructive Inquisitors to get rid of them. He's not out of the game yet, though, and is determined to return to the Emperor.
[[Image:Domi.png|thumb|right]]
**''Dominique'': The sentient scribe servitor on Fyodor's Throne of Judgement. He comically makes fun of Fyodor on several occasions and generally breaks the serious atmosphere that the Lord Inquisitor tries to project. He also has a curious predilection for sandpaper cigarettes and a rapacious drug habit. Voiced by Gonzo the Great.
[[Image:Mall.png|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Ordo Malleus]] Inquisitor''': One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor. He appears as an Inquisitor brandishing bulky power armor, almost resembling Terminator armor (because it is, since it's a Grey Knight Grand Master, called "Grey Knight Leader" in the ending ; on a side note, the Ordo Malleus has human size Terminator Armours in it's possession). Is the most level-headed of the group.
[[Image:Here.png|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Ordo Xenos]] Inquisitor''': One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor. A xeno fetishist. She appears to be the bad cop of the group with a short temper and a rough, Russian accent. She claim that the letter of disbanding inquisition was written by a genestealer cult under the Emperor's name.
[[Image:Xen.png|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Ordo Hereticus]] Inquisitor''': One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor. He appears as an Inquisitor dressed in black and using a bolt pistol with a sight mount. He has a sort of soft-toned, yet hilarious way of speaking. He is favor of door kicking and burning building type of exterminatus, just like a medieval witch hunter.
*'''[[Torquemada Coteaz]]''': One of the Inquisitors who joined Fyodor's assault into the Imperial Palace. He shows up after Fyodor's forces was blocked off by a force of loyal Ecclesiarch priests led by Decius in the palace, but breaches their defenses by throwing a barrel of Jokaero at the defenders. This plan causes Fyodor to lose any respect for him, which solicits a disheveled response from [[Awesome| Torquemada, telling him to get off his Throne of Judgement and tell him to his face, or use his multi-melta to do what he's too pathetic to]]. Fyodor backs off and lets him leave. So far he appears to be the only sane Inquisitor, snarling at Fyodor to not execute the Emperor for whatever offense he may pull out of his ass. He's also busy with [[The Lord Inquisitor|making a film]], which is why he didn't stay to see Fyodor's plans go to the Warp.
*'''Inquisitor Javerticus''': the most dedicated and charismatic of them all, and also an awesome singer and swordsman. Sadly, the Grey Knights doesn't seem to comprehend his awesomely dramatic greatness.

*'''The Gods of [[Chaos]]''': The gods here are less chaotic than their canon counterparts. More-or-less they just sit around and talk to each other, the way they did prior to the Emperor showing up and making plans to wreck their collective shit.
**[[Tzeentch]] is a petty schoolyard bully/prankster who also likes to engage in pointless overthought pseudo-philosophy, and it's unclear if he means it or if it's just part of him being a troll.
**[[Slaanesh]] is a hyperactive masochistic camwhore. Steals from Khorne and trolls with sexual innuendos.
**[[Khorne]] is the only half-way normal Chaos God (if that term could ever be applied to the Gods), who has yet to appear beyond screaming at Slaanesh for being a creepy whore. Has a fairly good relationship with Khaine, though, and they work out together at the gym. Never skips leg day, unlike the Emperor.
**[[Nurgle]] is the only one actually doing any scheming. Has a voice that's really hard to understand without subtitles, and is more focused on his waifu Isha than actually doing anything.
**[[Malal]] makes several short appearances, conversing with the various gods on Spacebook where he declares he will ruin everyone once he becomes canon again by escaping the "Retconnian" (a dimension where the Squats, Horus' soul, and other things that don't exist are banished to) and a second time is shown to exist in a pocket outside canon where he is able to influence things that are canon in subtle ways using the [[Black Crusade (RPG)|"Tyrant Star", a wandering sun that gives off black light and incites anarchy and chaos on whatever planet it shines on]]. It appears that his obsession to become relevant again is a harmful one, as Horus and a Squat talk him down from his attempts and console him when he breaks down crying about his futile attempts.

*'''[[Lucius the Eternal]]''': Slaanesh's premier champion, who sounds like what would happen if Mickey Mouse turned to Slaanesh and became a drag queen in the process (his first appearance is a direct reference to [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g56q3j8NAcw this]). First shown fucking up some Imperial Guardsmen (in all senses of the word) with his warband, laughing like a maniac all the while. He then got a call from Fulgrim, inviting him and his band to join one of Abaddon's [[Black Crusade|"huge parties"]], which he accepted. His absolutely creepy portrayal in the series is quickly becoming one of the scariest (and most enjoyable) things in the franchise, sorta an impressive achievement. Runs a prank show in his spare time, and posts the results to Spacebook.

*'''[[Ahzek Ahriman]]''': Most powerful sorcerer of the [[Thousand Sons]]. Appears in a short scene where he finally gets access to the [[Black Library]], only to be dicked with, and eventually booted out by [[Cegorach]]. Decided to quit trying to get into the Black Library for a while and take a break, but decided against the latter after being summoned by Abaddon for the Black Crusade.

*'''[[Typhus]]''': Chaos Lord of the [[Death Guard]]. Has the voice of Gilbert Gottfried, which he uses to read [[Squad Broken|erotic fanfiction]] for Lucius. Like the other chaos champions, he's been summoned by Abbadon for the Black Crusade.

*'''[[Huron Blackheart]]''': We cannot confirm his appearance in the series proper, but it appears that he is with [[Abaddon]] in the Season 3 intro, perhaps pointing to an alliance of sorts. Why in the all the names of Chaos he is there, we don't know.

*'''The [[Tyranid]] Hivemind''': Attempted to hijack the Chaos Gods' warpchat, but was kicked after too many synapses attempted connections. The Emperor claims that talking to the Tyranid Hivemind is like talking to a herd of hungry sheep.

*'''The Citizens Of The Imperium''': In special episodes where the Emperor answers mail from citizens of the Imperium (most of which is questions asked by watchers of the series), Loyalist humanity plus an odd Xeno or Chaos entity ask questions of him. These are supposed to by sorted by ''Little Kitten'' and later Magnus as well, but quite a few stupid ones get through to the point that without the aid of the cuddly Centurion, the Emperor's frustration causes Warpstorms which obliterate chunks of the universe.

===Others===
*'''[[Horus|FUCKING HORUS]]''': Appears in the April Fool's episode, where he breaks into the Emperor's throne room and incapacitates him. The Emperor declares Horus can't win because he's all alone, but says he isn't as he gathered allies while he was clawing his way out of The Warp, all of whom are some of the dead/retconned/obscure characters in the fluff, like; The Beast (An Ork who waged one of the most successful WAAAGH!s in human history), Goge Vandire (The man responsible for the worst chapter in Imperial History after the Horus Heresy), [[Sindri Myr]], the Megarachnids (A footnote insectoid race in the fluff, who were hunted to extinction by the Astartes in the Great Crusade.), the [[Squats]] (We all know who they are), Hermann Von Strab (One of the most inept commanders the Imperium has ever seen, who met his end in the 3rd War of Armageddon.), the [[Old Ones]], the Techno-Barbarians of olden Terra, 3ED [[Carnifex|Old One Eye]] and [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kXU14hkuSI SLY MARBOOO] *cue explosions*. He subsequently declares himself as the new Emperor. Later appeared for real in the second Q&A in the "Retconnian" with Malal and the Squats, and calms Malal's tantrum like a parent consoling a child.
*'''[[Kaldor Draigo]]''': Makes a short appearance after Fyodor and the rest of his attack force was sent into the warp by Magnus. He's clearly gone batshit insane after so long in the warp. He pops all around Fyodor and annoys him, driving the Inquisitor to scream in annoyance. Later summoned by Kitten to handle Magnus' tantrum, which he does so in a split-second offscreen using inexplicable Mary Sue powers to defeat him.
*'''[[Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka]]''': Currently beating up the Overfiend of Octarius, as in official lore. It's still unknown where Ghazzy's gonna fit into things, though it will likely be to assemble all Orks into a single Great WAAAGH!!
[[Image:Cyph.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Cypher]]''': He shows up for two vague, foreshadowing scenes. Hasn't been seen since season 1 (but the planet he's standing on, Orior, has). This seems to take place not long after the [[Fallen_Angels#Ophidium Gulf Crusade Incident|Ophidium Gulf Crusade Incident]], as the Dark Angels managed to locate him by tracking his ship.
*'''[[Cegorach]]''': The Laughing God, shown guarding the Black Library. He encounters Ahriman trying to enter and forcefully boots him out after a bit of trolling. For some reason, he has a French accent.
*'''[[Isha]]''': Despite being a kidnapping victim initially, Isha is now in a relationship with Nurgle. She hates Tzeentch and Slaanesh, mocking the former and encouraging Nurgle to plague the latter.
*'''[[Gork]] and [[Mork]] (or was it Mork and Gork?)''': Two dumbfucks who argue with each other in other people's conversations on Spacebook, with Gork not actually knowing he's using the Interwarp and trying to figure out how to use it while already on it.
*'''[[Khaine]]''': Disappointed and annoyed by all the young Gods around him, sounds like an old man beat-down by life. He mostly hangs out in the warp chat and goes to the gym with Khorne.
[[Image:Text Marines.jpg|thumb|right]]
[[Image:Eliphas.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Roboute Guilliman]]''': The Emperor has regularly made a point of ordering the Custodes Captain-General to have him taken off life-support. Currently the only reason he's still alive is Kitten winning an epic duel in a children's card game against the Emperor. The result of his actions and the Codex Astartes horrifies his father.
*'''[[Felinids]]''': [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUuvHPr4BGk The ultimate let-down.]
*'''[[Necron|Necrons]]''': They appear initially in a mini-episode by Karl. Necrons all speak with low-quality Text to Speech devices, except for the Lords who can afford higher quality devices. Shennanigans ensue when an unnamed Necron Lord discovers that his lowly minions can't pronounce certain things, so now all necrons make roflcopter sounds as their war cries. '''SOI SOI MOTHERFUCKER'''
*'''[[Stormcast Eternals|Ground Marines]]''': Introduced as a short spoof episode after the release of [[Age of Sigmar]], a group of Ultramarines determined to bring their superior selves to the service of [[Sigmar|"other Emperors"]] enter a portal and come out transformed as Stormcast Eternals, their appearance crushing a small group of [[The Empire (Warhammer Fantasy)|Empire]] Flagellants. Text then appeared expressing condolences for [[Warhammer Fantasy]] fans. Although non-canon, its a jab at Games Workshop's need to crowbar Space Marines everywhere ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-MzNpMD1K8 As the Stormcast Eternals largely resemble the Space Marines]. Heck, their posterboy group even takes after [[Ultramarines|The Greatest Of Them All]] with the blue, white, and gold color scheme).
*'''[[Eliphas The Inheritor]]''': Makes a cameo in the second Q&A episode having sent a letter to the Emperor saying "Dear Corpse Emperor, Furk You." The episode then cuts to him laughing manically thinking he's so clever before the Emperor psychically punches him, promptly shutting him up.
*'''Little Billy''': A running gag character in the series. His appearance is a psychic child who made himself a crude power-armor look alike using cardboard boxes, with Alfabusa's grey and blue livery for colors. The gag about him is that Billy is constantly subjected to lethal/traumatizing events, yet still survive to appear again, leading to a joke that he is actually a perpetual. So far he's been: run over by a space marine attack bike, kidnapped and thrown into a Dark Eldar slave pit, and implied to have been molested by Lucius after contacting him using a psychic link and suddenly appearing before him and hammered in the face by a Deathwatch member before almost getting eaten by Tyranids in [https://youtu.be/mabM64rAd4k?t=25m32s| Behemoth]. He's also apparently talked to the High Lords at least once, since the Grand Provost Marshal hallucinates him.
*'''Hobo Guardsman''': also known as "Hobo-chan." Like Billy, he exists to be traumatized by the grim darkness of the universe. First he becomes an unwilling recipient of Lucius' charity efforts, that being a sandwich made from ''"freshly milked [[daemonette]] [[trap|milk]]"'', then later he gets harassed by the [[Adeptus Arbites]] for adding rat meat to his rations to make them more edible. Fed up with the bullshit, he decides to join Chaos, getting warped away before his planet is destroyed by Exterminatus.
*'''Inquisitor Headsmash''': Hangs around on a ship in low orbit waiting for heresy to occur. Has a heavily reinforced Exterminatus button which he gets a LOT of use of it - as the name implies, he hits it repatedly using his head. Has the enviable talent of hearing heresy from orbit.

==The Order of The Primarchs Return(?)==
During the season 3 intro, the silhouettes of all the primarchs seems to appear in the order they will first enter the show, as the order roughly corresponds with their actual in-series appearances so far.

* [[Rogal Dorn]] (although we don't find out it's Dorn until after Magnus turns up)
* [[Magnus]]
* [[Vulkan]]
* [[Leman Russ]]
* [[Corvus Corax]]
* [[Ferrus Manus]]
* [[Lion El'Jonson]]
* [[Jaghatai Khan]]
* [[Angron]]
* [[Perturabo]]
* [[Lorgar]]
* [[Mortarion]]
* [[Fulgrim]]
* [[Alpharius]] ???
* [[Konrad Curze]]
* [[Roboute Guilliman]]
* [[Sanguinius]]
* [[Horus]]

==Trivia==
* The Emperor's motivation for creating the Human Webway was obtaining Eldar prostitutes, who could take him much better than humans could. The other benefits were an afterthought.
* The Emperor is plagued by a phantom-itch (courtesy of Nurgle) which caused his nose to continue itching long after it fell off and rotted out of existence. Tzeentch believes the frustration will cause him to explode, destroying humanity and causing him to become a new Chaos God.
* The Emperor likes tacos.
* The Emperor believes that [[Love Can Bloom]] will result in humans passing STDs onto Eldar, so he condones interspecies romance.
* The Emperor's left eye was accidentally poked out by Rogal Dorn's iron halo while attaching him to the Golden Throne (prompting the replacement before the rest of his body decayed). The Emperor intends to somehow resurrect him to punish him for it (though now that's no longer a necessity). Actually, in older depictions of the Emperor's duel with Horus, it is one of the wounds inflicting upon him (he also broke many bones, burned the Emperor's fabulous hairs, poisoned him and a lot of stuff...).
* Some of the Emperor's previous personas included Moses and [[Chris-Chan]]. Yes, really.
* The Emperor's shattered psyche includes knowledge of the 4th wall. This is not always available.
* The Emperor created the formula indicating when there is enough [[dakka]]. Only he himself and Kitten know it.
* The Emperor approves of the Tau in theory, although in practice only those willing to engage in melee. So basically just the [[Farsight|Farsight Enclaves]].
* In fact, the Emperor actually approves of any Xenos that isn't a threat to mankind. Absolute eradication is unnecessary if regulation suffices.
* Despite his intentions for the Imperial Truth involve suffocating the Chaos Gods, the Emperor's attempts at atheism are in fact making [[Necoho|an actual god of disbelief]]...according to Magnus.
* The Emperor can shape the [[Astronomicon]] so that he can flip the bird to the rest of the galaxy.
* Has a known hobby: Plays a children's card game (Yu Gi Oh) with a clearly cheesy, overpowered and unfair deck...that, like most [[cheese]], was destroyed as soon as it came across a hard counter. [[Horus Heresy|Apparently Emprah still hasn't learnt the lesson about why using OP stuff is a very bad idea.]]

==Gallery==
<gallery>
Image:Text To Heresy.png| If [[/d/]] still existed in 40k you can bet the Emperor would purge it.
Image:NOT CANON.png| Kitten with his TOTALLY NOT CANON girlfriend [[Shadowsun]]
Image:EmperorSureal.gif| Emp's reaction to most things that have happened to the Imperium
Image:EmperorDisgraceful.gif| Likewise
Image:EmperorPunchesTzeentch.gif| The Emperor taking out his frustration on a certain [[Tzeentch|indecisive mollusk]]
Image:MagnusRant.gif| Magnus is not a fan of the Imperium's general intelligence levels
Image:DeciusHatBoner.gif| What passes for "Religious Ecstasy" in the Ecclisiarchy
Image:UltraFucknCrying.gif| Calgar's dissapointment over the flanderization of the Ultramarines is palpable
Image:PillarstodesEntrance.gif| <nowiki>*Cue Awaken.mp3*</nowiki>
</gallery>

==External Links==

* [https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLyiDf91_bTEgnBN0jAvzNbqzrlMGID5WA The entire series.]
* [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/WebVideo/IfTheEmperorHadATextToSpeechDevice TV Tropes's page, for extra references.]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqbQ_oKmflM A remix cover of the ending theme by StringStorm, check his other remixes too.]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzPuK1vib_c Not content with his first remix, StringStorm made a second one.]

[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Gods]]

Malal Daemonkin

2016-04-28T04:34:59Z

2604:6000:B640:D100:D42A:E84B:E8A6:F8C7: /* Malal Warlord Traits Table */

A [[40k]] fandex created by [[/tg]]/ in attempts to provide some rules for [[Malal|Malal's]] lore, what little there is. This is an expansion to Codex: Chaos Space Marines, Codex: Chaos Daemons and Imperial Armor Volume XIII.

==Mortals Dedicated to Malal==
*Mark of Malal: Grants all shooting and melee attacks the Rending special rule. In addition, a Psyker with the Mark of Malal must generate at least one of his powers from the Discipline of Malal. A Chaos Lord with the Mark of Malal allows Null Knights to be taken as troop choices. Refer to the chart below for costs:
**HQ choices: 15 points
**Chaos Space Marines, Havocs, Chaos Bikers and Chosen: 3 pts/model
**Chaos Cultists: 2 pts/model
**Possessed Marines, Obliterators, Warp Talons: 4 pts/model
**Chaos Terminators and Mutilators: 5 pts/model
**Chaos Spawn: 6 pts/model
*Icon of Anarchy: Grants all shooting and melee attacks the Shred special rule. May only be taken by a model with the Mark of Malal. Refer to the chart below for costs:
**Chaos Space Marines, Raptors and Havocs: 30 points
**Chosen, Possessed Marines and Chaos Bikers: 35 points
**Chaos Terminators: 40 points
*Dedication to Malal: Grants all shooting and melee attacks the Rending, Shred and Sunder special rules. Refer to the chart below for costs:
**Contemptor Dreadnoughts and Ferrum Infernus Dreadnoughts: 20 points
**Decimator Daemon Engines: 25 points
*Daemon Titan/Knight of Malal: A model with this special rule gains the Daemon and Hatred (Daemons) special rules. In addition, the Titan/Knight’s shooting, stomp and melee attacks have the Rending and Shred special rules, Stomp attacks may re-roll the result on the table against vehicles and Destroyer weapons may re-roll the result on the Destroyer Weapon Attack Table. A Daemon Titan/Knight of Malal counts as being a Daemon aligned with Malal. Refer to the chart below for costs:
**Chaos Knights: 75 points
**Warhound Titans: 100 points
**Reaver Battle Titans: 200 points.
*Covenant of Malal: Any unit that contains at least one model with this special rule has the Prefered Enemy (Everything!) special rule.
*Dedicated to Malal: A unit of Ogryn Brutes dedicated to Malal gain the Shred special rule for Melee and Hammer of Wrath Attacks. A unit of Ogryn Brutes may take the Dedicated to Malal special rule for 35 pts.
*Parasite Ticks: Parasite Ticks are added to the list of Chaos Rewards that a model can take. They cost 35 points and may only be taken by a model with a Mark of Malal. See the Daemonic Gifts section for its effects.

==Special Rules related to Malal==
*Daemon of Malal: Grants the Daemon, Hatred (Daemon), and Preferred Enemy (Everything!) special rules. In addition, units that are composed entirely of models with this special rule are treated as having Assault Grenades. Daemon Princes and Soul Grinders may take the Daemon of Malal special rule for 15 pts. Chaos Furies may take the Daemon of Malal special rule for 2 pts. Spined Chaos Beasts may take the Daemon of Malal special rule for 5 pts.
*Nemesis of the Dark Gods: Daemons of Malal roll on the same Warp Storm table as seen in Codex: Chaos Daemons. Rolls that results in a Dark God making an attack treat units with the Daemon of Malal special rule as their rival god. Add the Herald of Malal to the list of heralds that may be summoned with the Daemonic Possession result and Hook Horrors to the list of units that may be summoned through the Summoned from the Warp result.

==Malefic Discipline==
*Summoning: Add 10 Hook Horrors of Malal and 3 Beasts of Malal to the list of units that may be summoned with this spell.
*Sacrifice: Add 1 Herald of Malal to the list of models that may be summoned with this spell.
*Incursion: Add 3 Parasite Riders to the list of units that may be summoned with this spell.
*Possession: Add 1 Guardian of Contradictions to the list of models that may be summoned with this spell.

==Discipline of Malal/Anarchy discipline==
It Should Not Be (Primaris Power): Warp Charge 1. ''The Psyker stills the Warp around his opponents, creating a horrible feeling of emptiness in those affected.'' It Should Not Be is a Malediction that targets an enemy unit within 12". That unit must take a morale check or Daemonic Instability test (note that Daemons from the Codex: Khorne Daemonkin must still take a Daemonic Instability test despite not having that rule). If the affected unit is a vehicle then it suffers a Crew Shaken result that cannot be ignored.
#'''Spite:''' Warp Charge 1. ''The psyker fills his followers with the will to harm others beyond the point where there is anything to gain from doing so.'' Spite is a blessing that targets a single friendly unit within 24". Whenever that unit suffers casualties, the unit that caused the casualties suffers a single hit for each wound inflicted. These hits are resolved at the same strength value as the affected units toughness and the same AP as the affected units armor save. When in close combat these hits are resolved after the Initiative 1 step and count towards combat resolution.
#'''Juxtaposition:''' Warp Charge 1. ''The psyker releases a contrasting blast of energy that somehow shrouds allies in darkness and blinds enemies with light.'' Juxtaposition is a Nova power with a range of 6". Any friendly unit hit by Juxtaposition has the Shrouded special rule until the controlling players next game turn. Any enemy unit hit by Juxtaposition must take a blind test.
#'''Vortex of Annihilation:''' Warp Charge 2. ''A tiny warp breach is created that is so chaotic that not even daemons will dare use if for the risk of getting ripped into nothingness by its entropy.'' Vortex of Annihilation is a Witchfire power with the following profile: R36", S* AP* Assault 1, Massive Blast. A model hit by this must pass a Strength test (models without a strength value automatically pass) or be removed as a casualty with no saves of any kind allowed.
#'''Schismatic Lance:''' Warp Charge 3. ''The Psyker fires a blast of darklight from the palm of his hand.'' Schismatic Lance is a Beam power with the following profile: R12" SD AP1 Assault 1. If, when using the power, the psyker fails his psychic test he automatically suffers Perils of the Warp.

==Daemonic Gifts==
Daemons of Malal rolls on the same tables as seen in Codex: Chaos Daemons. They also have their own gifts of Malal.

''The weapons of Malal sap the abilities of their wielders foes, turning their own strengths against them.''

'''Lesser Reward: 0. Parascythe:''' Melee weapon, enemies struck with this weapon must take armor and invulnerable saves at a -2 penalty (which means that 5+ saves of either type have no effect). This accumulates with other penalties to their saves.

'''Greater Rewards: 0. Sickle of Ruin :''' AP4 melee. In each Assault Phase, roll a d3 and select one of the following effects for the rest of the assault phase:
*Increase the Strength and Attack values of the wielder by the result (To a maximum of 10).
*Reduce enemies Weapon Skill and Initiative in base contact by the result (To a minimum of 1). This penalty can only be applied to a model once per turn.

'''Instruments of Chaos:''' If, when you roll on the Warp Storm table, you roll a result where a dark god makes an attack on the battlefield, you may re-roll a single dice to determine if a unit is hit or not for each friendly Daemon of Malal model with an Instrument of Chaos currently on the table. Otherwise, the rules are the same as in Codex: Chaos Daemons.

'''Icons of Chaos:''' The rules can be found in Codex: Chaos Daemons. A unit may upgrade their Icon into the following:

*'''Banner of Destruction:''' ''This banner crafted from a nihilist turns the protections of those it gazes upon against them.'' A Banner of Destruction is an Icon of Chaos. Once per game, during the Shooting Phase, the Icon bearer may make a shooting attack with the following profile: Range: 24" Assault 12 S:* AP:* Pinning. Hits from this Banner wound equal to the targets best save (for example, a model with a 4+ invulnerable save is wounded on a 4+) and cannot be saved against.

'''Parasite Tick:''' ''The Herald rides a scuttling insect that sucks from the warp reflection of the landscape it strides across.''The model receives +1 Strength, +1 Wounds, +1 attacks and its unit type becomes cavalry.

'''The Portalglyph:''' Add Hook Horrors to the list of models that may be summoned with The Portalglyph.

'''Vessel of Xemn'yn'me'X the Void:''' ''The Greater Daemon that has become infused into the hull of this war machine is known as Xemn'yn'me'X the Void, a Guardian of Contradictions that was captured and twisted by the other Chaos Gods into its opposite, a being that wishes to protect instead of destroy. Upon being recovered by Malal, it was bound to a cage that will draw it back inside should it's link to the materium be destroyed. Malal will occasionally allow its mortal followers to bind it into a machine of war, it using its powers to bolster the defenses of those around it. Should its vessel be destroyed the daemon briefly reverts back to its original will and will use this moment to destroy what it was bound into.'' This Legacy of ruin may be taken by a single Chaos Space Marine vehicle at a cost of +15 points or +20 points for a Super-Heavy vehicle. This vehicle has the Fear and Daemonic Possession special rules. In addition, any unit equipped with an Icon of Anarchy within 12" may re-roll any unsuccessful saves. Should a model with this legacy lose its last HP it suffers an Explodes! result on the vehicle damage table. If the model is a Super-Heavy vehicle it suffers a Titanic Explosion instead.

==Daemonic Loci==
*Lesser Locus of Decimation: Grants the Crusader special rule.
*Greater Locus of Obliteration: Adds +1 Leadership, and allows a reroll on Daemonic Instability tests once per turn. Keep the second roll even if worse.
*Exalted Locus of Oblivion: When charging an enemy unit within 6', that unit cannot Overwatch or use Counter Attack.

==Malal Warlord Traits Table==
If your Warlord has the Daemon of Malal special rule it can roll on the table below instead of those in ''Warhammer 40:000: The Rules'' or ''Codex: Chaos Daemons''.
#'''Master of the Warp Path:''' ''Even the most chaotic Warp Storms can be stilled by this Daemon, allowing itself or its forces to appear exactly where they wish.'' Before deployment, the Warlord may nominate up to D3 friendly units with the Daemon of Malal special rule. Those units Deep Strike on turn 1 without scattering.
#'''Destroyer:''' ''This Daemons mere presence threatens to unwind reality.'' The Warlord has the Smash special rule. If he already does have Smash, his Smash attacks are resolved at Strength D.
#'''Scourer:''' ''This Daemon is completely dedicated to ensuring that nothing but featureless wastelands are left in its wake.'' Any Blast weapon fired by the Warlord has its size increased by one step (Blasts become Large Blasts, Large Blasts becomes Massive Blasts, Massive Blasts become Apocalyptic Blasts) and Template weapons fired by the Warlord become Hellstorm weapons.
#'''Devourer of Warp-Horrors:''' ''The Warp-spawned Horrors that attempt to take advantage of the lapses in concentration of this daemon or its followers will find themselves dragged into its gaping maw instead.'' As long as the Warlord remains alive, all friendly units with the Daemon of Malal special rule add 1 to their Perils of the Warp rolls. However, every Warp Surge result on the Perils of the Warp table are resolved on the Warlord instead of the casting psyker.
#'''Warp Ripper:''' ''The Daemon's proximity causes weapons to strike harder and bite deeper then they otherwise would.'' The Warlord and all friendly units with the Daemon of Malal special rule within 11" gain the Shred special rule.
#'''Unmaker of the Mind:''' ''The Daemon causes even the strongest of wills to become brittle.'' All enemy units within 11" of the Warlord lose the And They Shall Know No Fear and Stubborn special rules if they have them and replace Fearless with Stubborn (Stubborn does not get lost). If the unit has none of the above rules then it suffers a -1 leadership penalty.

==Hellforged Artefacts of Malal==
Guardians of Contradicitons, Daemon Princes of Malal that are part of a Chaos Daemons detachment and Heralds of Malal can take Hellforged Artefacts of Malal. These don't count towards the points spent on Daemonic Rewards, but a model can't have more than one Hellforged Artefact (of any type). Only one of each of these items may be chosen per army.

-'''The Leech Pendant:''' 20 points. ''The Leech Pendant is imbued with a stolen locus from each of the other four chaos gods. These locuses are almost constantly warring with each other and the dominant locus is the one that is currently empowering the bearer though occasionally the essences will work together so that they all empower the bearer.'' At the start of each turn. Roll a D6. The Leech Pendant grants one of the following bonuses based on the result of the D6 for that turn. Note that this artefact does not allow the model or unit to join or be joined by daemons without the Daemon of Malal special rule:
#Choose one of the results to take effect.
#The bearer and its unit gain the Daemon of Nurgle special rule any To Hit roll of 6 inflicted by it has the Poisoned (2+) special rule.
#The bearer and its unit gain the Daemon of Khorne and Adamantium Will special rules.
#The bearer and its unit gain the Daemon of Slaanesh and Move Through Cover special rules.
#The bearer and its unit gain the Daemon of Tzeentch and Soul Blaze special rules.
#The bearer gains +1 Weapon Skill, Strength and Attacks.

==Nullification Cult==

'''Null Knights (Elites)'''

100 Points

{| class="wikitable"
|-
! Name
! WS
! BS
! S
! T
! W
! I
! A
! Ld
! Sv
|-
| Null Knight
| 4
| 4
| 4
| 4
| 1
| 4
| 1
| 8
| 3+
|-
| Null Champion
| 4
| 4
| 4
| 4
| 1
| 4
| 2
| 9
| 3+
|}

UNIT TYPE: Infantry (Null Champion is a character)

UNIT COMPOSITION: 4 Null Knights, 1 Null Champion

WARGEAR: Power Armour, Boltgun, Bolt Pistol, Frag Grenades, Krak Grenades

SPECIAL RULES: Champions of Chaos (Champion only), Mark of Malal, Fearless

OPTIONS:
*May include 15 additional Null Knights - 18 pts/model
*Any Null Knight may:
**replace his Boltgun with a:
*** CCW - free
*** Grenade Launcher - 3 pts/model
**take a CCW - 1 pt/model
*One Null Knight per 10 models may replace his Boltgun with a Missile Launcher (with Frag and Krak missiles) - 15 pts
**Any Null Knight with a Missile Launcher may take Flakk Missiles - 10 pts
*The Null Champion may take items from the Melee Weapons and/or Ranged Weapons section of the wargear list.
*The Null Champion may take a Gift of Mutation - 10 pts
*The Null Champion may take a Demolition Charge - 20 pts
*The Null Champion may take Melta Bombs - 5 pts
*One model in the unit may take a Icon of Anarchy - 25 pts
*The unit may take the Veterans of the Long War special rule - 1 pt/model
*The unit may take a Chaos Rhino as a Dedicated Transport.

==Lesser Daemon of Malal==

'''Hook Horrors (Troops)'''

[[Image:Lesser_Daemon_of_Malal.jpg|thumb|275px|left]]

90 Points

{| class="wikitable"
|-
! Name
! WS
! BS
! S
! T
! W
! I
! A
! Ld
! Sv
|-
| Hook Horror
| 4
| 3
| 4
| 3
| 1
| 4
| 2
| 7
| -
|-
| Reaver
| 4
| 3
| 4
| 3
| 1
| 4
| 3
| 7
| -
|}

UNIT TYPE: Infantry.

UNIT COMPOSITION: 10 Hook Horrors

SPECIAL RULES: Daemon of Malal, Daemonic Instability, Deep Strike

OPTIONS:
*May include up to 10 additional Hook Horrors - 9 pts/model.
*May upgrade one Hook Horror to a Reaver - 5 pts
*A Reaver may take up to 20 points of Daemonic Rewards in any combination:
**Lesser Reward - 10 pts each
**Greater Reward - 20 pts each
*One Hook Horror may take an Instrument of Chaos - 10 pts
*A different Hook Horror may take an Icon of Chaos - 10 pts
** The Icon of Chaos may be upgraded to a Banner of Destruction - 10 pts

==Beast of Malal==

'''Pandemonic Paradox of Malal (Elites)'''

[[Image:Beast_of_Malal.jpg|thumb|300px|left]]

45 Points

{| class="wikitable"
|-
! Name
! WS
! BS
! S
! T
! W
! I
! A
! Ld
! Sv
|-
| Paradoxes
| 4
| -
| 5
| 4
| 4
| 4
| 3
| 7
| -
|}

UNIT TYPE: Beast.

UNIT COMPOSITION: 1 Paradox

SPECIAL RULES: Daemon of Malal, Daemonic Instability, Deep Strike, Very Bulky, Voice of Banishment.

Voice of Banishment: Enemy units that are in combat with the Paradox suffer a -3 penalty to their leadership.

OPTIONS:

*May include up to 8 additional Paradoxes - 45 pts/model.

==Steed of Malal==

'''Parasite Riders of the Anti-God (Fast Attack)'''

[[Image:Steed_of_Malal.jpg|thumb|300px|left]]

105 Points

{| class="wikitable"
|-
! Name
! WS
! BS
! S
! T
! W
! I
! A
! Ld
! Sv
|-
| Parasite Riders
| 4
| 3
| 4
| 4
| 3
| 4
| 3
| 7
| -
|-
| Parasite Hunter
| 4
| 3
| 4
| 4
| 3
| 4
| 4
| 7
| -
|}

UNIT TYPE: Cavalry

UNIT COMPOSITION: 3 Parasite Riders

SPECIAL RULES: Daemon of Malal, Daemonic Instability, Deep Strike

OPTIONS:

*May include up to 6 additional Parasite Riders - 35 pts/model.
*May upgrade one Parasite Rider to a Parasite Hunter - 5 pts
*A Parasite Hunter may take up to 20 points of Daemonic Rewards in any combination:
**Lesser Reward - 10 pts each
**Greater Reward - 20 pts each
*One Parasite Rider may take an Instrument of Chaos - 10 pts
*A different Parasite Rider may take an Icon of Chaos - 10 pts
**The Icon of Chaos may be upgraded to a Banner of Destruction - 10 pts

==Greater Daemon of Malal==

'''Guardian of Contradictions (HQ)'''

[[Image:Greater_Daemon_of_Malal.jpg|thumb|330px|left]]

210 points.

{| class="wikitable"
|-
! Name
! WS
! BS
! S
! T
! W
! I
! A
! Ld
! Sv
|-
| Guardian of Contradictions
| 8
| 6
| 6
| 6
| 5
| 8
| 6
| 9
| -
|}

UNIT TYPE: Monstrous Creature (Character)

EQUIPMENT: Etherblade

SPECIAL RULES: Daemon of Malal, Daemonic Instability, Deep Strike, Psyker (Mastery Level 1), Aura of Parasitism

PSYKER: A Guardian of Contradictions generates his powers from the Telekinesis, Anarchy and Daemonology (Malefic) disciplines.

AURA OF PARASITISM: If a friendly unit with the Daemon of Malal special rule within 6" causes a wound on their controlling player's turn roll a D6 at the end of the turn, on a 4+ the Guardian of Contradictions gains a wound, to a maximum of 10. Only one D6 may be rolled per a unit per a turn.

LORD OF ANARCHY: If your army includes a Guardian of Contradictions, Daemon Princes from this codex with the Daemon of Malal upgrade are Heavy Support choices rather than HQ choices.

OPTIONS:
*May take up to 50 points of Daemonic Rewards, in any combination:
**Lesser Rewards - 10 pts
**Greater Rewards - 20 pts
**Exalted Rewards - 30 pts
*May be upgraded to a:
**Psyker (Mastery Level 2) - 25 pts
**Psyker (Mastery Level 3) - 50 pts

==Herald of Malal==

45 points (Herald)

{| class="wikitable"
|-
! Name
! WS
! BS
! S
! T
! W
! I
! A
! Ld
! Sv
|-
| Herald of Malal
| 6
| 5
| 4
| 4
| 2
| 6
| 4
| 8
| -
|}

UNIT TYPE: Infantry (Character).

SPECIAL RULES: Daemon of Malal, Daemonic Instability, Deep Strike, Independent Character

PSYKER: A Herald of Malal that is a Psyker generates powers from the Telekinesis, Anarchy and Daemonology (Malefic) disciplines.

OPTIONS:
*May take up to 30 points of Daemonic Rewards, in any combination:
**Lesser Rewards - 10 pts
**Greater Rewards - 20 pts
**Exalted Rewards - 30 pts
*May be upgraded to a:
**Psyker (Mastery Level 1) - 25 pts
**Psyker (Mastery Level 2) - 50 pts
*May take one of the following:
**Lesser Locus of Decimation - 10 pts
**Greater Locus of Obliteration - 20 pts
**Exalted Locus of Oblivion - 25 pts
*May take a Parasite Tick - 45 pts

==Solipsism==

100 points (Herald)

{| border=1 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=4 align=left
|- valign=top
! Name !! WS !! BS !! S !! T !! W !! I !! A !! Ld !! Sv
|-
| Solipsism || 6 || 5 || 4 || 4 || 2 || 6 || 5 || 9 || -
|}
<br style="clear: both; height: 0px;" />
:'''Unit Composition''': Solipsism
:'''Unit Type''': Infantry (Character)
:'''Daemonic Rewards''': Etherblade, Greater Locus of Obliteration (already represented in profile)
:'''Special Rules''': Daemon of Malal, Daemonic Instability, Deep Strike, Independent Character
*'''Nothing Besides The Self''': ''All things are the same, all things are the self, when the Self is removed all things must be removed.'' Any enemy unit locked in combat with Solipsism or his unit gains the Daemonic Instability special rule or loses that special rule if they already have it.
*'''The Self Is All''': ''What benefits the self benefits all, what harms the self harms all.'' All models with the '''Daemon of Malal''' Special Rule (including Solipsism) within 6" may, at the beginning of the Assault phase, either increase their Strength and Attacks by 1, or decrease the WS and Initiative of any enemy models in base contact by 1 (this penalty can only be applied once per turn). This ability stacks with the effects of a Sickle of Ruin.
*'''Out of Sight, Out of Mind, Out of Reality''': ''If the self cannot realize the existence of the non-self, the non-self cannot exist.'' If a model cannot draw Line of Sight to Solipsism then any attacks made by it cannot harm him (for example, if a blast weapon scatters outside of the model's line of sight onto Solipsism then Solipsism is treated as not having been hit). If Solipsism is in a unit this special rule does not affect the ability for enemy units to harm his unit.
:'''Options''': May take a Parasite Tick - 45 pts

==Changes to/New Formations==
===Daemonic Incursion===
'''Command (0-3)'''
*'''Daemon Lord:''' Add the Guardian of Contradictions to the list of units that may be taken as part of this.
'''Core (1+)'''
*'''Paradox Vanguard:''' A Herald of Malal or Solipsism and 11 units of Hook Horrors. All units in this formation gain Hatred and any enemy units engaged in assault take a -2 penalty to all their Fear tests. Any friendly Daemon units within 12" benefit from the Herald's Loci.
'''Auxiliary (1+):'''
*'''Unholy Hive:''' Herald of Malal on a Parasite Tick and 11 units of Parasite Riders or Beasts of Malal in any combination. Any units without some for of dedication to Malal within 6" of unit from this formation count as going through Difficult and Dangerous terrain when moving. In addition, Hammer of Wrath Attacks made by units in this formation gain the Rending special rule.

===Devastation of Existence (Apocalypse)===
'''Formation Type:''' Battle Formation
<br>'''Composition:'''
*1 Herald of Malal or Solipsism
*11 units of Hook Horrors or Parasite Riders in any combination
'''Formation Restrictions:''' None
<br>'''Special Rules:'''
*'''Parasitic Devastation:''' Whenever a unit from this formation is targeted by a Dark God via the Warp Storm table, you may re-direct the attack against an enemy unit of your choice on the battlefield.
*'''Masters of Entropy:''' Reavers and Parasite Riders from this formation grant the bonuses from Lesser and Greater Rewards (except for weapons) to their entire unit. In addition, the units from this formation are not limited to only being able to throw a single grenade per turn.
[[Category:Warhammer Homebrew]]
[[Category:Chaos]]