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Jokaero

2019-06-14T10:01:59Z

2605:E000:7EC5:A000:D9BD:A457:7FA5:48D4:

{{WTF}}
[[Image:GKJokearo.jpg‎|right|thumb|Everything's better with space orangutans.]]
{{Topquote|Order your men to stop their firing. I will show you my personal army build... Operator, it is time. Do the... How you say...? 'Funky monkey!|[[If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device| Inquisitor Coteaz about to unleash the cheese.]]}}

Lesser known fact: the entire Warhammer 40,000 universe and all its depressing crushing grimdarkness, from the wearisome toiling of factory serfs, the endless struggle of the Imperial Guard against overwhelming odds, the callous judgement of the Inquisition, the fiery fanaticism of the Ecclesiarchy, the malevolence of the chaos gods, to the plots of the Necrons and Eldar and all the rest is just volumes upon volumes of set up for the fact that there are mad scientist Space Orangutans zipping around.

The Jokaero are an ape-like race created by the [[Old Ones]] a long time ago, possibly while drunk.
It is questionable if they are truly a sapient race despite being technologically advanced, because they don't possess a language, culture, or any greater motivation than bare survival.

It is speculated their understanding about technology is coded into their genes, much like [[Ork]] Oddboyz (Mekboyz, Painboyz etc.). They differ from their greenskinned brethren because their technology isn't psychically powered crap. These space apes are somehow potentially more advanced than the entire Imperium, almost all of the [[Adeptus Mechanicus|Mechanicus]], and (in different fields of technology) most [[Eldar]] craftsmen.

They ''are'' capable of interstellar travel, and migrate as a pack in large, perfectly geometric spaceships which make use of invisible currents of energy, inherent to the fabric of the universe. While it is rare that they choose to do this, a large percentage of Jokaero live upon these spacecraft. <s>Why they are never engaged in space combat is a mystery.</s> The reason there are no recorded space battles with the Jokaero is the fact you need to SURVIVE to record them. Good luck surviving more than 3 seconds against one of their ships.

They create digital weapons (pretty much all post [[Horus Heresy]] digital weapons), which some factions, mainly high-up Imperials and influential Techpriests, make use of. They also make the [[Spyrer]] suits found amongst the High Nobility of [[Hive World]]s such as [[Necromunda]] or worlds in the [[Dark Heresy|Calixis sector]]. Mainly, rich Imperial snobs will somehow use Jokaero as a <s>Protectorate</s> Protector-ape ''(a euphemism for forced labor)'' to get cool shit.

Despite this, GW lore says Jokaero are extremely rare, and impossibly elusive to boot. They are fairly analogous to animals, and so are instinctively distrustful of other beings (almost always rightfully so). If you do manage, by some miracle, to get a hold of one of these orangutans, and not get curb-stomped by their teeny [[Multilaser]] rings and bracelets, you still need to manage to keep them. They have a nasty habit of knowing how everything every race could possibly build works and operates, plus things nobody else in the universe knows. Naturally, this means that any prison they are held in is usually temporary, despite any and all preventative measures, although it may immediately tinker with the prison after escaping and then [[Derp|become trapped in the now improved prison,]] from which it will escape and restart the cycle. Logic is not a necessary component of the Warhammer universe. Keeping this in mind, it is not impossible to work with a Jokaero (and thus acquire more Digital Weapons); if you can convince them you are friendly, they won't run from you and you can essentially roll with them for a while, hopefully getting some Digital Weapon death-bling into the bargain. If you are the grimdark version of Jane Goodall, you might even manage to acquire one as a pet/coworker, seeing as they are a very rare and valuable resource. However, this is exceedingly rare, and accounting for the vastness of known space, only the wellest-to-do of Rogue Traders, [[Dark Eldar|beastmasters]], and super-rich, eccentric Imperial Lords have a Jokaero in their possession. At least one has been kept as a permanent retainer to an Inquisitor and was happy to go along with whatever they wanted - it even repaired a superheavy tank to full working order and THEN proceeded to improve it in every conceivable way, making it as fast as a salamander which came in pretty handy when it came to tankshocking deamons.

Barring all this, Jokaero are still stereotypically finicky, making doohickies on a whim: sometimes not at all, sometimes for days straight. There is no guarantee that the gadgets it makes will be Digital Weapons; however, anything it does make will assuredly be magnitudes more advanced (and smaller) than any Imperial equivalent (if there is one). For example, if you plead at it for months on end to build you a finger-mounted Meltagun, and it can make a subdermally forehead-mounted Multi-melta in three hours, the Jokaero might still just ignore you, get hungry, and build an antigravity energy-field banana peeler. As said above, the Jokaero mostly make things out of simple survival need: self defence lasers, multi-dimensional backpacks, infrared goggles, and the like.

==Jokaero in Warhammer 40K Tabletop==
[[Image:JokaeroDigitalWeapon.jpg‎|right|thumb|250px|Visual [[AIDS|aids]].]]
Recently, with the Codex: Grey Knights including Jokaero as a possible bodyguard unit for Inquisitors, /tg/ quickly found a loophole in the rules that allowed them to field an entire army of space-orangutans (the so-called "Barrel of Monkeys" army build). The result is that Codex: Grey Knights has been jokingly called Codex: Jokaero.

By the way, you know those little shiny rings they have? Those extremely small, light, and TINY rings? Yeah. Those are all [[derp|FUCKING LASCANNONS]].
[[wat|And Heavy Flamers. And Multi-Meltas.]] [[RAGE|AT THE SAME TIME]].

*Step 1: Play a 6000pts Apocalypse game
*Step 2: Field Inquisitor Coteaz as HQ and 163 Jokaero
*Step 3: Take a picture of your opponents face when he realizes you have 163 Lascannons/Multi-meltas/Heavy flamers (I.E. can fuck up anything)
*Step 4: ????
*Step 5: Profit!
*Step 6: Die a horrible death that could satisfy [[Khorne]] for centuries. Could.

==Gallery==
<gallery>
Image:Karman.jpg|This is a Karman from [[AT-43]] and not, in fact, a Jokaero, but numerous fa/tg/uys have voiced that they intent to use them as [[Proxy|proxies]] for their all-monkey army.
Image:JokaeroDropPod.jpg|A Jokaero Drop Pod.
</gallery>

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[[Category:Imperial]][[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Xenos]]

Watchers in the Dark

2019-06-14T09:49:52Z

2605:E000:7EC5:A000:D9BD:A457:7FA5:48D4:

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[[File:Watcher Perfidious.jpg|300px|thumbnail|left|A Watcher <s>carrying</s> hugging the Perfidious Relic of the Unforgiven.]]

The '''Watchers in the Dark''' are diminutive [[xenos]] who follow around the [[Dark Angels]]. No one knows what they look like, for they are covered in large green robes and resist all psykers that try to scry them. Also all of them look a bit like Orko from the Masters of the Universe (AKA He-Man, one of the [[Gay|most homoerotic shows]] for kids. Heck they even have a character named [[/d/|Fisto,]] ooohhh He-Man, stay classy). Heck, [[If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device|in the TTS series,]] one of them is confirmed to sound just like Orko!

The Watchers are extra-dimensional creatures and only take their diminutive appearance out of habit when they enter the corporeal reality. The dimension where they originate from is not named or described, but the Watchers do not appear to be warp-based creatures. Wherever they come from, metrics such as "time" and "space" seem to be entirely irrelevant to them and they were able to view time as a three-dimensional mosaic, yet were incapable of comprehending it in its entirety; However, they could hone in on particular details and determine their significance and try to influence events in subtle ways. Additionally, they were able to appear and disappear wherever and whenever they like, making them impossible to capture or sneak up on. In short, while they are not from the parallel universe known as the Warp, they ''do'' seem to originate from a higher dimension, essentially making them [[Half Life 40k|an entire race of G-men]].

The Watchers were first known to the people of ancient [[Caliban]] as mysterious boogeymen who wandered the forests. In reality, they were a xenos race implied to be members of, or associated with [[the Cabal]], a group dedicated to fighting [[Chaos]]. They had been sent to Caliban to guard the [[Ouroboros]], acting as its "jailer" and apparently prevent its abuses. By pure happenstance, humanity arrived on the planet during the [[Dark Age of Technology]], and the Watchers had been "watching" humanity on Caliban for over 15,000 years, which means their influence probably predates the [[Fall of the Eldar]]. Regardless on the exact timing of the human colonisation against formation of the [[Eye of Terror]] the planet became contaminated by [[Warp]] energy due to its proximity, resulting in the Great Beasts who prowled the forests and a terrible time for all involved.

The Watchers certainly knew of the activities of the Cabal, specifically that Eldrad had attempted to pre-warn [[Fulgrim]] of the dangers of Chaos which went unheeded, though the Watchers had also attempted to give their own warnings to the Lion and various members of the [[Dark Angels|First Legion]], especially when the rest of the cabal specifically tried to get [[Alpharius]] and the [[Alpha Legion|''last'' legion]] on board with them.

The Watchers were also apparently aware of the potential outcome of what would happen if the Emperor's forces won during the Siege of Terra ''(ie: the galaxy stagnating and Chaos growing in strength)'' though the Watchers also had a difference of opinion with the members of the Cabal in that they believed ''"Chaos could not be defeated; only fought"'', which puts them at odds with the notion that Chaos could somehow be defeated once-and-for-all if Horus actually won. The Watchers seemed more interested in what happened to the [[Ouroboros]] than attempting to influence the outcome of the [[Horus Heresy]] to one side or another. In any case, the Cabal was later eliminated by [[Eldrad]] when he figured its members were doing more harm than good after he realised that [[Perpetual]]s were interfering with their ability to accurately predict the future; Eldrad left the Watchers alone, implying that he either could not do anything to them, or they were not full members of the Cabal.

However, they saw it as their duty to try and warn those in a position to do something. Although they were known to have communicated with the Lion in the past, his constant reliance on [[Tuchulcha]] is preventing them from contacting him directly, and so they spoke to various proxies such as [[Zahariel]] and '''Farith Redloss''' in the hopes that they could get the Lion to change his mind.

Through a series of still unconfirmed events (which will likely be revealed in future [[Horus Heresy]] books; [[Games Workshop|GW]] is nothing if not practiced at draining your wallet) the Watchers in the Dark seem to take a considerable demotion from entities unbound by linear time and location, dropping to "serve" the Dark Angels as retainers and weapon bearers. They also have a curious interaction with [[Cypher]] and were noted to change their behaviour when he visited [[The Rock]], they are presumably also the reason he constantly escapes each and every time he gets captured.
Finally, they are also said to look over the comatose body of [[Lion El'Jonson]], asleep in [[the Rock]].

As members of an faction dedicated to the war against Chaos, regardless of their effectiveness in doing so, they are a big piece of evidence for the Dark Angels ''not'' being a secret Chaos Space Marine Legion in disguise. During Wrath of Magnus when the [[The Changeling|Changeling]] fled through the Rock once it was discovered, it ran headlong into a Watcher carrying a Crozius on its form. The Changeling was horrified upon meeting it, recognising it as some sort of anathema to its kind. Were they ever to turn into Chaos Marines, logically the Watchers would leave, presumably taking the slumbering Primarch with them.

==Caliban: The Predestination Paradox==
{{Topquote|Perhaps, but I fear that the destruction of Caliban is our last hope for the future now. It will be the final blow that will sunder them. Is even the Lion willing to commit such an act?|one of the Watchers in the Dark, viewing the end of the Siege of Terra as if it was a bad thing}}

When the [[Chaos Gods|Primordial Annihilator]] was defeated on Terra, a group of Watchers lamented that Chaos would run rampant and merely arise again on Caliban. After examining the potential futures in the mosaic of time, their collective plan to save the galaxy was to engineer the destruction of the planet, creating the only outcome they believed would work, although how this plan affects the future in any positive way has yet to be explained.

However, the plan to destroy the planet would not actually come to fruition until ten thousand years later when [[Cypher]] visited [[the Rock]], got [[Azrael]] to agree to travel to the ruins of Caliban where the three elements: [[Ouroboros]], [[Tuchulcha]] and the "Plagueheart" held by [[Typhus]] would meet and create a portal back to the time of [[Luther]]'s insurrection.

Azrael would then destroy the time portal before the Death Guard made their way back and/or the [[Fallen Angels]] made their way forward through the time stream to influence events and royally screw up the "normal" sequence of events, though destroying the portal seemed to have the inadvertent affect of also destroying the planet in the past.

This creates a predestination paradox: as the period from the 31st Millennium though to the 41st Millennium would have likely first existed in a time-stream where Caliban was <u>not</u> destroyed up until a traveler from the future could initiate events to destroy the planet of the past, making one wonder what that initial outcome would have been like for the galaxy... The Watchers response indicates the survival of Caliban is probably the worst case scenario, while [[Ezekiel]] reassures Azrael that it is probably for the best not to think too hard about it.

But it does demonstrate the potential for [[Retcon|changing history]] within the setting itself.

==Tabletop==
They appear/do not appear on the table, as literal place holders for the Dark Angels; [[Azrael]] comes with one which carries the Lion Helm, with Company Master and [[Deathwing]] Knights having the option to take them. Though in the last two cases they grant Fear and Adamantium Will. We can say they do not appear as they are purely for show and don't do anything but symbolize wargear, with the option to not use their model at all or remove them if they get in the way.

As of 8th Edition, the Watchers are still here but with the changes in rules their function changed as well. Azrael's minion still carries around the helmet like before, but now the Watchers that accompany Deathwing squads provide a one time chance to nullify an incoming enemy psychic power on a 3+, which is more reliable than using a psyker to deny powers.

[[Category:Dark Angels]]
[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]]
[[Category:Xenos]]

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