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Siege of Terra

2021-05-11T08:41:49Z

2A02:1811:5185:DD00:4437:1569:764C:54A3: /* The Siege Begins */

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{{Infobox 40k Campaign
|title=Siege of Terra
|image=[[File:The-Siege-Of-Terra Angron.jpg|400px]]
|attacker= Traitor Legions
|defender= [[Imperium of Man]]
|commander1= [[Horus]], [[Angron]], [[Mortarion]], [[Angron]], [[Fulgrim]], [[Perturabo]], [[Magnus the Red]], Zardu Layak, Kelbor Hal
|commander2= The [[Emperor]], [[Sanguinius]], [[Rogal Dorn]], [[Jaghatai Khan]], [[Vulkan]], [[Malcador the Sigillite]], Constantine Valdor
|date=0014.M31
|scale=Planetary
|theatre=[[Horus Heresy]]
|strength1= [[Sons of Horus]], [[Death Guard]], [[World Eaters]], [[Emperor's Children]], [[Thousand Sons]], [[Iron Warriors]], 5000 [[Word Bearers]], [[Night Lords]], Traitor Army forces, [[Dark Mechanicum]], Traitor Titan legions, daemons
|strength2= [[Imperial Fists]], [[Blood Angels]], [[White Scars]], [[Adeptus Custodes]], [[Sisters of Silence]], [[Knights-Errant]], Imperial Army, three Titan Legions
|casualties1= Massive Heretic Astartes casualties, massive Traitor Army losses, massive Traitor Titan losses, massive Dark Mechanicum losses. Horus slain.
|casualties2= Massive military and civilian losses. Malcador the Sigillite slain. Sanguinius slain. Emperor mortally wounded and interred into Golden Throne.
|status= Pyrrhic Loyalist Victory
|outcome= Traitors driven from Terra and into the Eye of Terror. Death of Horus and crippling of the Emperor. Great Scouring Begins
}}

{{topquote|[[Horus|He]] waits no longer. It begins now.|[[Sanguinius]] on the 13th of Secundus, 014.M31}}
The '''Siege of Terra''' was the end of the [[Horus Heresy]] in [[Warhammer 40,000]]. If the Horus Heresy can be considered the most important series of events in the 40k universe(*cough [[War in Heaven]]), then the Siege of Terra itself could be considered the single most important event. It is also possibly the most fucking awesome event; Brother fighting brother, the mighty guns of Titans blowing fortifications to shreds, Imperial Army soldiers leading charges against the traitorous forces even though they know it's suicide and [[Ollanius Pius]]

It was [[Horus]]'s big attempt to off his daddy and so be the true Emperor of the galaxy (for [[Chaos]] of course!). He brought a load of his traitor legions, millions of corrupt Imperial army personnel and mutants, the part of the Mechanicus that had gone over to his side and a whole load of daemons to boot. On his side the [[Emperor]] had three legions, his custodians and the loyal imperial army regiments of Terra and you know what? The Emperor went and won anyway (granted it was because the Emperor offed Horus before his legions could crack the Imperial palace but still, victory for the home team!).

==The Solar War==

Dorn began fortifying [[Terra]] immediately after getting word of the Heresy, knowing that it would always be Horus's eventual goal. Despite being removed from the larger battles of the Heresy, the Solar System was touched by the conflict, with Mars rebelling and numerous sleeper agents and cults trying to destabilise the Throneworld. Despite this, Dorn managed to do the best he could, turning Terra into the most heavily fortified system in the Imperium. He even managed to blunt part of the traitor advance at the Beta Garmon cluster before getting ready for the final rumble they had known was coming.

Terra was unique in that it that it had two artificial Mandeville points inside the the Solar system itself, created during the Dark Age of Technology. Dorn fortified the likely approaches from the outer edge of the system and built up huge defences around the two internal jump points. The traitors, however, were busy too. Infiltrators and covert operatives sabotaged loyalist assets across the system. The Iron Warriors were the first Astartes into the breach, using huge up-armoured Space Hulks as fireships to wear down the defenses, before sending their main fleet through to engage the combined Fists and Scars fleets. The inner system conflict went on for a bit, with the loyalists managing to hold out enough to slow down the advance, at least for a little while.

However, under Magnus's direction, the traitors turned the Shrine of Unity comet into a vast warp gate that allowed Horus, Angron, and Fulgrim's fleets to jump right past most of the rings of defense Dorn had come up with. On the Phalanx, Dorn was preoccupied with a daemon incursion and could do little to stop the huge fleets that were now mobbing for Terra. The Martian traitors, free from the blockade that had hemmed them in for years, joined up with Horus. The Solar War had been lost barely after it had begun. The rest of the Loyalist fleets, knowing they could never hope to fight even a fraction of the vast traitor armada, regrouped on the edge of the system, along with the Phalanx, waiting for the moment they could make an effective strike against Horus. There were early plans for the Emperor to be evacuated to the Phalanx and escape Terra, but these were made by people unaware of what Big E was doing in the basement of the palace.

==The Siege Begins==
[[File:Map-2800x1983.jpg|500px|right|thumb|Map of the Siege.]]
{{topquote|'''Father! I have come for you!'''|[[Angron]] upon making planetfall, 15 of Quartus, 014.M31}}

With orbit uncontested, most of the traitor armada held in orbit above the Palace and began bombarding the Aegis, the vast shield network protecting the entire palace complex. Unlike regular void shields, the Aegis consisted of multiple overlapping layers of shields that individually regenerated as fast as they could be depleted by bombardment. On the ground, the Palace was protected by colossal networks of walls and bastions, static defences, and vast numbers of Imperial Army units bolstered by hordes of press-ganged conscripts. Unknown to almost everyone, the Inner Palace was also protected by a psychic ward generated by the Emperor that would royally fuck up any daemon that set foot near it, daemon primarchs included.

The rest of Terra wasn't so lucky. Barring a few isolated holdouts, the rest of the planet was virtually defenceless. It should be noted that if the goal was to destroy Terra wholesale, it could have been easily accomplished by Exterminatus level weaponry. Perturabo, as the only non Chaos-ifed primarch, insisted on doing exactly that, and grew increasingly angry at what he saw as an irrational and wasteful goal. But Horus was insistent that the Emperor had to be slain in person, and so the Palace had to be reduced the old fashioned way. In all fairness, one must also ask if Exterminatus was even possible when a being like the Emperor was on Terra, to say nothing of the void shields and defenses on Terra itself. The daemon primarchs were kept in orbit, safe from the Emperor's wards, although this meant that Angron had to be imprisoned in the maze Perturabo had built to contain Vulkan to stop him from [[Leeroy Jenkins]]ing the whole thing as he had done at Istvaan III.

Hordes of mutants, beastmen, cultists, and traitor Army units were thrown at the conventional defenses. Entire wings of aircraft dueled above the Palace. Precision bombardments gradually weakened minute sections of the Aegis long enough for bombers to get through and destroy the projectors. The Dark Mechanicum landed siege camps at 8 points around the Palace - partly to surround it, but also to act as the focus for a ritual that would enable the warp to take a foothold on the surface of the Throneworld. The Astartes were held in reserve on both sides whilst their more conventional forces softened each other up. The Death Guard were the first traitor Astartes to land on Terra, with the Khan and the White Scars riding forth on jetbikes and aircraft to meet them and wreck the Dark Mechanicum's siege camps. The Night Lords were the first Astartes to breach the walls of the Palace, albeit in small numbers; this attack also cost them their ''de facto'' commander, Gendor Skraivok. Sanguinius himself descended to help the mortal forces, acting as both force multiplier, decoy, and morale booster.

==Battle for the Lion's Gate==
[[File:LatD-Map-3309x2420.jpg|500px|right|thumb|Map of the Lion's Gate Space Port.]]
While the Death Guard, Emperor's Children, and World Eaters each hammered away at a different section of the Palace walls, the traitors' first major effort at cracking the Palace itself was aimed at the Lion's Gate spaceport, the largest and tallest spaceport on Terra. It reached so high into the atmosphere that voidcraft could dock at its upper levels, meaning that the Traitor forces could more easily shuttle in reinforcements and materiel if they captured it. Horus tasked the Iron Warriors with taking the Gate, and in turn Perturabo assigned Warsmith Kroeger to lead the assault, under the logic that Dorn would be expecting Pert to command such an important offensive personally and wouldn't be expecting whatever plans Kroeger came up with. Dorn, meanwhile, assigned Seneschal Fafnir Rann to lead the defense of the spaceport, rather than First Captain Sigismund, since he was still angry with Sigismund for listening to Euphrati Keeler instead of obeying his orders. Kroeger went straight for the throat, as it were, launching a massive combined-arms assault directly on the port with backup from the World Eaters and Emperor's Children, though the latter quickly got bored and left after taking a bunch of prisoners for [[Rape|unspecified purposes]]. Though the Imperial Fists held off the initial attack, Warsmith Forrix and a thousand Iron Warriors managed to infiltrate the Gate by using renegade Imperial Army units as literal meatshields. To aid the attack, the Dark Mechanicum inserted a technophagic virus into the spaceport's systems, and Zardu Layak, Abaddon, and Typhus performed a Nurglite ritual to infiltrate the Great Unclean One Cor'bax Utterblight behind the Emperor's psychic wards.

The Fists drove back several consecutive assaults from the Iron Warriors and World Eaters, but the technophage was screwing their sensors and comms all to hell and gone, seriously complicating efforts to coordinate the defense, and Forrix and his infiltrators were tying up troops that were desperately needed elsewhere. Rann finally called Dorn for backup, and Dorn scraped up an additional three thousand Fists, which were literally all the troops he could spare at that point. Eventually, despite Rann's best efforts, the balance inevitably tipped in the traitors' favor, and Dorn arrived on scene just in time to order a general withdrawal from the spaceport to the inner defenses, though not before he killed Zardu Layak after a brief duel. With the Gate firmly in traitor hands, Perturabo started unloading Titans and consolidating his position.

Meanwhile, Euphrati Keeler and the Custodian Amon Tauromachian had been tapped by Malcador to investigate strange apparitions occurring behind the Palace walls. They eventually deduced that this was a daemon exploiting the faith of Imperial cultists to manifest itself inside the Emperor's psychic defenses, and focused on a cult called the Lightbearers, which turned out to have been deceived into worshipping Nurgle instead of the Emperor. After Cor'bax had used the Lightbearers to physically manifest himself, Amon, Euphrati, and Malcador teamed up to slay the daemon. When Amon suggested that they should purge the rest of the Emperor's worshippers to prevent another such incident, Malcador answered that he would continue to let them exist until the Emperor himself said otherwise, in the hopes that he could weaponize their faith against the Chaos gods.

==Battle for the Saturnine Wall==
[[File:Siege_of_Terra1.jpg|thumb|middle|500px|Just 0.000001% of 0.000001% of the Siege of Terra.]]
{{cleanup}}

With the Lion's Gate lost, Dorn was now under a tremendous deal of pressure as he continued to coordinate the defense in the face of the unrelenting traitor assaults. Nearly all the Traitor Legions were committed to the battle, with the Death Guard, Iron Warriors, World Eaters, Thousand Sons, Emperor's Children, and Sons of Horus engaged in heavy fighting throughout the Palace, against which Dorn could only muster his own legion, plus the Blood Angels and White Scars and their primarchs.

While taking a brief break in an abandoned garden, Dorn encountered Kyril Sindermann, who made an offhand comment about the Saturnine Wall trembling under the weight of the bombardment. From this, Dorn instantly realized that something was wrong with the defenses in that section and investigated. What he found was a potential catastrophe. The ceaseless bombardments from the traitor forces had caused the entire Imperial Palace and the tectonic plates on which it rested to shift by eight centimeters, opening a small but detectable fault line beneath the Saturnine Wall.

Certain that Perturabo would notice this fault and attempt to exploit it, Dorn began concocting a counterattack. Before laying out his plans, however, he called a council of war with Constantin Valdor and Malcador to explain to them his next move: he would have to start allowing parts of the Palace defenses to fall, as he simply no longer had the numbers or the materiel to hold everything. He identified four key parts of the defense that could not be allowed to fall to the enemy--the Colossi Gate, the Gorgon Bar, the Saturnine Wall, and the Eternity Wall spaceport--then chose the one he could most afford to lose, based on his calculations, which was the spaceport. Though he would put on a show of defending it, Dorn knew that the port ultimately had to be sacrificed, even though it meant letting the traitor forces control both of the Palace's main spaceports. He then assigned Sanguinius to hold the Gorgon Bar and Jaghatai Khan to hold the Colossi; he would personally oversee the defense of the Saturnine Wall and lay a trap in the hopes of bagging a significant enemy target, perhaps even Horus himself.

Perturabo had indeed spotted the weakness at the Saturnine Wall, though he had initially planned to use it only as a last-ditch ace in the hole. Abaddon convinced him to instead make it a focal point of the attack through a combination of flattery and unsubtle goading, suggesting that Perturabo's victory over Dorn would be tainted if it was won with the help of the Neverborn. Though the Lord of Iron nearly caved his face in for it, Abaddon won the argument, and immediately set out to assemble a spear-tip strike. Secretly, he was himself hoping to win a "clean" victory, without resorting to the use of daemons and sorcery, as he believed that using the Warp to win a war was beneath his dignity as an Astartes.

In the meantime, the battles for the Colossi and the Gorgon Bar escalated in scale and intensity. The defenders at the Colossi Gate were plagued by legions of flies which seemed to manifest from nowhere, forcing them to wear bulky protective equipment that lessened their effectiveness. Sanguinius was suffering under the weight of his psychic visions, which were coming with increasing frequency and intensity; nevertheless, he continued to fight on the front lines, knowing that his mere appearance was heartening the defenders and raising their morale. At one point, he singlehandedly killed a Warlord Titan, then stared down its three accompanying Warhounds until they turned tail and fled. At the Colossi, Jaghatai and the White Scars led a few massed jetbike charges into the ranks of the Death Guard, destroying their siege engines, killing their Neverborn reinforcements, inflicting casualties, and generally delaying the XIV Legion's inexorable advance. The Adeptus Custodes were engaged at this point, with Constantin Valdor himself taking the field. At one point, Ahriman attempted to literally melt the Colossi bastion with sorcery, only to be driven back by three White Scars Stormseers, who channeled the captured weather underneath the Palace's void shielding into an immense lightning storm.

Meanwhile, at the Saturnine Wall, Dorn had devised a simple but cunning trap. Its cellars and tunnels had been fortified and transformed into a series of Zones Mortalis, and he had assembled a five-hundred-man strong force of veteran Astartes, broken into seven kill teams led by [[Sigismund]], [[Nathaniel Garro]], Endryd Haar, [[Garviel Loken]], Bel Sepatus of the Blood Angels, Helig Gallor of the Death Guard, and Maximus Thane. He had also enlisted the technoarchaeologist Arkhan Land to help him mend the fault line. Land swiftly devised a quick-setting form of rockcrete which could be pumped into the fault, sealing it permanently. Dorn didn't know who would be leading the assault, but he was hoping for Horus himself; once cut off and isolated inside the Palace walls, even the Warmaster would be relatively easy prey. On the other side, Abaddon was able to convince Fulgrim to lend him the entire Emperor's Children Legion for the assault on the Saturnine, and wrangled three companies of the Sons of Horus to form the spear-tip. The III Legion would [[DISTRACTION CARNIFEX|attack from the front as a diversion]], using three ancient siege engines borrowed from the Dark Mechanicum, while Abaddon and his Astartes burrowed up from beneath with Termite assault drills.

Unfortunately for all of them, they'd walked straight into Dorn's trap. When the Sons of Horus emerged from their assault drills, they were ambushed by Dorn's kill teams, who achieved total surprise. Nearly the entire assault force was wiped out, including the famed Justaerin Terminators and Catulan Reavers of the 1st Company and three of the four members of the Mournival. Garro decapitated Falkus Kibre of the Justaerin, while Loken killed Tybalt Marr, Horus Aximand, and Tormageddon. Just as the loyalists were starting to relax, however, Abaddon and a hundred Justaerin Terminators teleported right into their midst, triggering a giant brawl. Abaddon went on a killing spree, but eventually absorbed a series of crippling blows from Bel Sepatus and Endryd Haar. Though he managed to kill them both, he sustained massive injuries and wound up pinned under Haar's corpse, with Garro poised to deliver the killing stroke. Luckily for Abaddon, he was teleported to safety at the last moment. Meanwhile, Arkhan Land began pumping hundreds of thousands of liters of his rockcrete formula into the fault. Though he was briefly interrupted by Horus Aximand, the plan otherwise went off without a hitch, and the fault line was permanently sealed. Some of the remaining Sons of Horus had yet to emerge from their assault drills and became trapped in the rockcrete as it set, ensuring that they would be entombed beneath the Palace forever.

While all this was going on, Fulgrim had unleashed a full-scale assault against the Saturnine Wall, leading off with three Donjon-class siege engines that had been modified with immense sonic weapons similar to those of the Kakophoni. The siege engines seriously disrupted the defense, at least initially, but the Imperial Fists and Army garrison were able to rally and funnel the III Legion into a chokepoint. Fulgrim, meanwhile, got into a duel with Sigismund atop the Wall. Though the Templar was able to land a few hits, Fulgrim's daemonically enhanced strength and speed gave him the upper hand. Before he could kill Sigismund, however, Dorn intervened, and proceeded to pummel Fulgrim badly enough that the Phoenician threw a tantrum, then took his legion and went home, abandoning the Siege entirely and costing Team Horus one of its most significant force multipliers. Fulgrim left fifty-six of his best warriors behind in an attempt to kill Dorn, but he and Sigismund were able to defeat them all, including Eidolon and Von Kalda. The entire assault wound up costing the Emperor's Children no less than eighteen thousand Astartes, along with all three of the irreplaceable siege engines.

This great victory had been purchased with an equally great loss: the fall of the Eternity Wall spaceport. Despite the defenders' best efforts to hold the port, they were faced with Angron and the main strength of the World Eaters. Angron issued a demand for the port's defenders to surrender, and was met with a concentrated artillery barrage that literally atomized him, though being a daemon prince, he didn't stay down for long. He and his legion immediately assaulted and seized the spaceport, killing everyone present. Many heroes of the Imperium died unheralded deaths at the Eternity Wall, including Knight-Commander Jenetia Krole of the Silent Sisterhood, Prefect Warden Tsutomu of the Adeptus Custodes, High Primary Solar General Saul Niborran, Captain Camba Diaz of the Imperial Fists, and Shiban Khan of the V Legion (no he didn't as per the next book). A lone Guardsman named Olly Piers died there also, defending a banner of the Emperor Ascendant against Angron's relentless charge, thus [[Ollanius Pius|establishing the foundation for one of the Imperium's most enduring myths]].

In the aftermath of these battles, Dorn and Sanguinius took stock of where they stood. The Gorgon Bar had held, and would continue to hold for two precious weeks more by Sanguinius' estimate. The repulse at the Saturnine Wall had cost the Traitor Legions dearly: three hundred of the XVI Legion's elite troops and eighteen thousand Emperor's Children dead, with Fulgrim and the rest of the III Legion having quit the field. Jaghatai Khan, having held the Colossi, was now preparing to retake the Lion's Gate. Better yet, Sanguinius' prescience had granted him a vision from within the depths of Angron's tortured mind: Nuceria had been destroyed. Not merely razed, as Angron and Lorgar had done during the Shadow Crusade, but obliterated by orbital bombardment. Dorn and Sanguinius both knew this could mean only one thing: Roboute Guilliman and Lion el'Jonson were on the way, along with their legions.

Admiral Niora Su-Kassen, now in command of what remained of the loyalist naval assets in the Solar system, received indications of another fleet approaching from the outer edges of the system. She ordered the new arrivals to announce themselves, and was answered with a hail from Corswain of the Dark Angels: "We come to stand with Terra."

==Duel of the Emperor and Horus==
[[file:Horus and his Daddy.jpeg|thumb|middle|400px|If you haven't seen this image yet, you must be new. Like, really fucking new.]]
Like with any truly epic event, the siege only ended with the most motherfuckingest duel in the entire 40k fluff: the Emperor of Mankind against Horus, most favoured of the Primarchs and the living avatar of the Chaos Gods. If the Horus Heresy was the most important of a series of events, if the siege was the single most epic of those events, then the duel is the defining moment of the fluff and affected everything else that came after it.

During the duel, Horus had managed to mortally wound the Emperor (despite the Big E being a nigh-unkillable Perpetual), and would have finished him off, if not for the intervention of one Perpetual Guardsman(Oll Perrson/Ollanius Pius)/Imperial Fist/Custodian. He jumped in front of Horus as he was about to strike the final blow, and was killed. (duh.) The Emperor, seeing how far his most favored son had fallen, decided "Fuck this", and OBLITERATED HORUS'S SOUL!

Although the Emperor managed to win and kill Horus, he was so badly wounded in the end he needed to be on 24/7 life support just to survive. So really when you come down to it,it was a draw; Chaos had been stopped then but only at an unthinkable cost to the Imperium.

==/tg/ Connection==
What, besides the fact that '''''it's the most important event in the 40k universe?''''' Fine.

The Siege of Terra is also the theme for the [[Horus Heresy#The Board Game|Horus Heresy board game]], in which you reenact the Siege itself. There. Happy?

Not really.

===The fa/tg/uy's explanation of the Siege Of Terra (for Dummies and BL Editors)===
[[File:Loyalists vs. Traitors.jpg|thumb|middle|700px|Some serious Daddy problems.]]
The main rule of warfare: As the number of combatants increases, the resemblance to complete uncontrolled insanity approaches infinity. And then you have to take into account the terrain...

Basically you start with a planet that's been nuked, polluted, and generally lived-in for a few hundred thousand years too long. And everyone on it is fighting everyone else, constantly. Your basic unit of land is the Bunker, Vault 101 style. There isn't any natural plant life left, of course, so all the oxygen is made in vats with the food. ""Luckily"" this means you can build anywhere that isn't intensely radioactive, and hence fight over those areas. Get Mega-City-One, nuke it and rebuild it a few times, and then you start to understand.

Then the Emperor comes along, and manages against all odds to conquer the place. Suddenly everyone isn't killing and dying all the time, and a population boom happens. So Emps organised the largest set of public-works since the first colony ships. He rebuilds huge areas of the planet, and creates the Imperial Palace, the Astronomican, and a buttload more of cool shit besides. And what he gets is effectively one giant city, the second largest (after Commorragh) in the universe. "Huge" just doesn't do it justice as a description. Neither does "Labyrinthine", "Overpopulated", or "Gothic Nightmare". And this New Terra was mostly just thrown over the original foundations of whatever was there, like a pile of gold-bricks onto a rat maze. There are bunkers and emplacements still around that date back to the War Against The Men of Iron and even before.

Then the Heresy came, and the Emperor says to Dorn "Fortify this fucking madhouse". So now everything that didn't have a gun emplacement before does now, everywhere. And he walled in half the doors and windows, put hundreds of AA batteries on every roof, filled entire rooms with concrete just for a bit of reinforcement, built hundreds of miles of trenches, redoubts, bastions, emplacements, and backup walls, conscripted half the population into the army, and generally panicked because all of this would only ever be necessary if the solar system's defenses (the best in the galaxy bar none) have failed.

Then Horus arrives in orbit. He's punched through the space defenses at massive cost, but the war in space is far from won, and the Palace is just a flat no-fly zone, so he can't just pick and choose landing areas. So he bombards everything his ships can reach, fills the sky with Drop Pods, and tries to march on it.

Which is when Rule #1 kicks in and everything immediately gets Mega-Fucked, for both sides. Ruined streets and bunkers make navigating a nightmare, communications are somewhere between impossible and actively detrimental, Drop Pods land off target, plans and back-up plans fall apart in seconds, daemons run amok. And the Primarchs are either constantly trying to out-Tactical-Genius each other or are too in the thick of it to relay any commands, so no-one has a fucking clue what's actually going on in the big picture. It's Stalingrad writ large, but without even the merest hint of sanity, and a thousand Space Marines charging into every breach. The inclusion of cackling daemons, rampaging renegade Guardsmen and abhumans, and bellowing daemon engines doesn't help the situation.

So it takes roughly 10 minutes of this menial bullshit for a load of the Chaos forces to get bored and just decide "Fuck It, Let's Just Wreck The Place". So now everything makes even less sense: entire companies are ignoring sensible objectives to go on the Chaos Marine equivalent of a bender. The Emperor's Children and the Night Lords rape, murder, and pillage the civilians of Terra so hard that even 10,000 years later they still live in fear at the memory, while the World Eaters are tearing around and hacking and slashing at anything they think might bleed. Only the Iron Warriors, the Death Guard, and the Sons of Horus are wholeheartedly tearing at the Palace, dedicated to rubbing it in Dorn's face like a bitch no matter what. And to the horror of the loyalists, they're succeeding. Brick by brick, the greatest military stronghold in the galaxy is falling.

Which sounds great for Chaos, were it not for the simple fact it wasn't falling quickly enough. It was taking days to advance inches at massive cost, and Guilliman was en-route with reinforcements, with Russ and the Lion and the remains of their Legions right behind him. If the siege wasn't ended before they got there, the traitors would likely lose. So Horus put all his cards on the table and lowered his battle barge's shields, goading the Emperor (who didn't know about the reinforcements- or maybe he did and was enacting a much greater scheme, see below) on-board to hopefully kill him and force the defenders into a rout. Everything else is history.

The short story "The Board is Set" seemed to indicate that the Emperor and Malcador knew about the reinforcing loyalists from at least the beginning of the siege and were fully aware of the siege's outcome up to and including the Emperor's ascension to the Golden Throne. It also seemed to imply that Horus lowering his shield may have been so he could teleport down and attack the Emperor, not realising it was Malcador on the throne. Possibly the most epic level of Just As Planned.
{{clear}}
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[[Category: Warhammer 40,000 Battles]]

Star Trek

2021-05-07T10:52:50Z

2A02:1811:5185:DD00:4437:1569:764C:54A3: /* Factions */

[[File:Enterprise.jpg|thumb|500px|right|If you aren't already hearing the theme song you might not belong here.]]

{{Topquote|Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilizations. To boldly go where no man has gone before!|James T. Kirk, <s>third</s> captain of the starship USS Enterprise}}

'''''Star Trek''''' is a multimedia science-fiction series and one of the cornerstones of nerdy media properties (in fact, Klingon is the most learned fictional language, rivalled only by Tolkien's elvish in popularity), and one of the few to crossover into mainstream popularity (alongside ''[[Star Wars]]'', ''[[Doctor Who]]'' and a few others). It's also one of the longest-running science fiction franchises, as it began when the the first episode of The Original Series aired in 1966, and since then has had over 50 years of geek history spanning several generations. Needless to say, it's had a huge influence on all things sci-fi, and, by extension, [[/tg/]].

Originally, ''Star Trek'' was [[noblebright]] beyond noblebright and, in many ways, was the polar opposite of ''[[Warhammer 40,000|Warhammer 40K's]]'' [[grimdark]]. The more recent reboot films, however, have taken a much, ''much'' more grimdark tone, which is delightfully [[skub]]tastic.

= Games =
You're in /tg/ = 1d4chan, so, we'll start with the games.

There's been plenty of tabletop games and [[/v/|vidya gaems]] featuring ''Star Trek'' without being merchandising bullshit (see: themed ''[[Monopoly]]'' sets), including one of the earliest action multiplayer wargame: ''Netrek''.

*'''''Star Trek: Adventure Gaming in the Final Frontier''''' (1978) The very first Trek tabletop [[RPG]]. Written by, I shit you not, Michael Scott. Groggy (grokky?) as all hell, and due for an OSR.
* '''''[[Starships & Spacemen]]''''' (1978 1e, 2013-present 2e) This was an attempt by a guy named Leonard Kanterman to make his own Star Trek RPG but since he didn't hold the license he had to alter the names and fudge the rules a bit so he wouldn't get sued. It appeared and died fairly quickly. It was later purchased by [[Goblinoid Games]] and heavily reworked to work more like their other game, [[Labyrinth Lord]] but different enough that converting things back and forth should take a minute or two longer than just dropping them in. The 2e version has some decent third party material at least.
* '''''[[Star Fleet Battles]] (SFB)''''' (1979-) The crunchiest starship combat game you're ever going to find outside of a computer. Based on the original series and not any of the later series, for licensing reasons. Takes some liberties with the setting, which (combined with the aforementioned licensing) is why "''Star Trek''" isn't actually in the title. It's had its own video game spinoff in the form of Starfleet Command. The vidya series died when the last company owned by Interplay broke up in the early 2000s, but the original game is still published by its designer, Amarillo Design Bureau (formerly in conjunction with the defunct Task Force Games).
* '''''Star Trek: The Role Playing Game''''' (1982-1989) Made by [[FASA]], essentially ''[[Traveller]]''-lite, or a happier, shinier ''[[Rogue Trader]]''. Hasn't aged terribly well, what with having been made when the only canonical ''Star Trek'' materials to work with were the original and animated series, the first four films, and a couple of now non-canon novels. If you try to dust it off, expect tons of conflict with the rest of the show. Died as they were trying to update it for ''TNG'', because Paramount's corporate suits (surprise, surprise) had no idea what an RPG actually entailed and were worried about violence, and getting their cut, and... oh you know the drill by now. Welcome to the 80's.
* '''''Star Trek: Starship Tactical Combat Simulator''''' (1983) FASA designed this, so it feels like ''[[Battletech]]'' but not as good.
* '''''Prime Directive''''' (1993-2008) The most successful tabletop RPG line (but that's not saying much), it's actually still in print. Produced by Amarillo Design Bureau, so again no direct name-dropping of "''Star Trek''." Lasted as long as it did by constantly evolving, in Borg-like fashion, to adapt to the current zeitgeist. Has had 4 editions, with the second using [[GURPS]], the third using [[Wizards of the Coast|d20]], and the fourth [[d20 Modern]].
* '''''Star Trek [[Card_Game|CCG]]''''' (1994-2007, 2011-2014, 2013-2015, 2018-) There's been a few of these, most notably the games released by [[Decipher]], but never globally popular. They also suffered from game balance problems from fans wanting their fave character, but needing extra rules for their quirks. There's also the problem of putting numbers to character stats, such as one game that asserted that [[Heresy|Picard having about twice the integrity of a Klingon pig]]. Later versions are "deck-building" games to try to cash in on the popularity of ''[[Dominion]]'' and ''[[Thunderstone]]''. And now virtual CCGs are the order of the day.
* '''''Star Trek: The Next Generation Role Playing Game''''' (1998-2000) The next attempt, made by Last Unicorn Games. Won an Origins Award for best new game. Has a lot of extraneous skills, as expected of a 90's RPG, but does a good job of capturing the feel of the show. Includes core books for Deep Space Nine and The Original Series, with a planned Voyager book never released. Tons of fan material is available, including books for Enterprise, Voyager, and even the Captain Pike era. Authors of the original game have also finished and released adventures and sourcebooks online. Died an untimely death.
* '''''Star Trek Red Alert''''' (2000) A Diskwars game themed to ''Star Trek''.
* '''''Star Trek Roleplaying Game''''' (2002-2005) When [[Decipher]] had the CCG license, they decided, "What the hell, let's make an RPG, too." Some of the authors of the Last Unicorn Games RPG worked on this game. The systems are similar but different enough that they aren't compatible. The fluff focuses more on the Voyager era. A well made game but it's forgotten for a reason.
* '''''Star Trek Online''''' (2010-) An [[MMORPG|MMO]]. Decent gameplay mechanics, especially starship combat. Storyline leaves something to be desired, especially when the ostensibly [[Noblebright|peaceful]] Federation trades shots at least once with every other faction in the galaxy. Is also sadly being screwed over by CBS who keeps retconning the series thus forcing the game to bend more and more unnaturally to fit in the new canon. Still, it's solid enough for an MMO and you can hit max level quick enough to get into the real meat of the game and join a Fleet (their version of a guild) and blow shit up.
* '''''Call To Arms: Star Trek''''' (2011) [[Mongoose_Publishing|Mongoose]]'s license for ''Babylon 5'' expired, so they collaborated with Amarillo Design Bureau (the ''Star Fleet Battles'' guys), re-themed the game to Star Trek along with improving the system to make it more nifty. Less micro-management than SFB, and ships get some cinematic feats.
* '''''Star Trek: Expeditions''''' (2011) Ignore the tie-ins to the movie, Reiner Knizia designed this. Explore the gameboard, flip over missions, try to have the proper crew to get victory points.
* '''''Star Trek: Fleet Captains''''' (2011) Tile flipping, exploring, and spaceships fighting over resources
* '''''Star Trek: Attack Wing''''' (2013-) [[WizKids]] license the flightpath system from [[Fantasy Flight Games]] and adds ''Star Trek'' to the mix, [[Skub]] ensues. The game has been consistently plagued with balance issues, to the point that the rules errata is more than ten times longer than the actual rules. The actual current rules for things like the Borg special movement and fighter squadrons are completely different than the rules as written.
* '''''Star Trek: Ascendancy''''' (2016-) 4X table top boardgame from GaleForce9. Most of the races are represented, though the base set only has the Federation, Klingons and Romulans. Andorians, Vulcans, Cardassians and Ferengi can be purchased as expansions. There is even a Borg expansion that turns the game semi-coop as everyone tries real hard not to be assimilated.
* '''''[[Star Trek Adventures]]''''' (2017-) The latest attempt at an RPG, by Modiphius. It also comes with a whole range of miniatures of the various crews from the show. Runs on a similar engine to the creator's ''[[Conan the Barbarian]]'' which both makes sense, since they're both pulpy storytelling, and is hilarious, given the total tonal mish-mash between the two. Task resolution is generally done via a mixture of six attributes and six disciplines, which are added together, then used as a modifier for a d20 roll. For instance, combat is usually handled by the Security discipline, but hand-to-hand combat would use Fitness or Daring, while firing a phaser or other long-arm would use Control, and shipborne weapons Insight or Reason. In addition to combat stuff, players might solve problems by obtaining information and sciencing the shit out of it. They also have various Values that can be tapped for additional dice, a shared pool of Momentum all players can spend to gain advantages and add to by overboosting on success, and a pool of Threat that they can give the GM rather than burning Momentum, which he can then spend to make the situation degrade. It's a fun system, but it requires a GM who can wrap their head around the idea of an evolving situation rather than a set encounter to really click, which can be hard for GMs who're used to the ''D&D'' model.

= So why should I care? =
Because between them, these six TV series and their assorted spinoff movies, books, etc. can provide inspiration for any sci-fi game you could care to run. If you want light-hearted action, look at the sort of things that happened in ''TOS'' or ''DS9'' to get the crew into some dangerous situation. If you want a charismatic villain, look at Gul Dukat or the Borg Queen. More serious issues are often handled with various degrees of success. While many science fiction series deal with a wide range of topics, Star Trek does so as aspects of a greater world. Like [[Tolkien]] is to fantasy it's a prime gateway drug to science fiction and especially science fiction which is more than "action movie IN SPACE!"

Not to mention in any sci-fi RPG with remotely free-form rules you're likely to encounter ''Star Trek'' fanboys, so you might as well know what they're talking about. The unholy spawn of a Trekkie and a [[Furry]] is known as a [[Chakat]], and you should fear it.

At its best ''Star Trek'' is thoughtful, optimistic futurism with a positive human element and brings you to strange new worlds in the grand tradition of speculative fiction but one that's accessible to even the layman. At its worst ''Star Trek'' is arrogant, smug, hypocritical, one-sided, preachy, dull and sloppy.

= Setting =
Here's the Cliff's Notes on ''Star Trek''. A couple of general warnings; firstly, ''Star Trek'' likes to ''really'' take its "racial themes" bits just a little too far. Second, despite this, it's rare for an entire race to be completely irredeemable the way many fictional aliens are: there are heroic and sympathetic characters from nearly every race listed below, able to put more-positive spins on their racial themes. Thirdly, aside from very occasional appearances by [[H.P. Lovecraft|aliens who are so bizarre that humankind can barely comprehend them]], all of the aliens look like dudes with rubber masks on (because they are). In real life, this was because there was no budget for anything else, but in-universe it's been explained by some kind of [[Old Ones|Precursor]] race who seeded all of the planets with their broadly humanoid DNA, and every race evolved slightly differently from there. There isn't much [[fluff]] on what these precursors were like, and some of it was contradictory, and Gene Roddenberry didn't like the idea (although he still had to work with the rubber forehead stuff). The good news for fa/tg/uys who like [[homebrew]] is that this makes it fairly easy to write [[d20 system]] rules for all of the races - after all, most ''D&D'' races are just humans with rubber masks on...

== A Composite Creation ==
This is a general note that one should consider: Star Trek was created in pretty much the opposite way as The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings. Tolkien worked out a bunch of linguistic stuff and general history of Arda in his spare time over the course of years, then decided to use that as the basis for some stories that he eventually gave to some publishers which in the end sold quite well.

Roddenberry, by contrast, pitched a very broad general idea (it's the future, things are good, we got some guys on a ship exploring space; a "wagon train to the stars") to the networks and eventually Lucy from ''I Love Lucy'' made it happen. Roddenberry then worked with a variety of writers and actors (and some later on in later series) who added to this rough skeleton of an idea in a process that would continue on to this day.

This is not to knock either approach, but both have their advantages and disadvantages. In regards to Star Trek, a franchise which relies mostly on an episode of the week format (until recently, apparently) that's been going on for more than half a century, there were numerous people at the helm and many of them had often very different ideas about what should be done that were just thrown out to see what stuck, many of which were contradictory, meaning that the canon is a fucking mess ([[Warhammer 40,000|Kinda sounds familiar, doesn't it?]]). Some of which we'd frankly rather forget (Data being possessed by a mask, for instance). In general fans and fluff writers have been spending a whole lot of time trying to straighten things out and much of the lore is basically a [https://memory-alpha.fandom.com/wiki/Portal:Main rough consensus of what people like and what fits in with it]. Later series got more systematic about this, but there are still points of contention and a lot of flat out contradictions due to its scattershot nature.

You know, like [[/co/| comic books]].

= Factions =
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'''The Federation'''
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[[File:Federation_Ships.jpg|thumb|500px|left|Starfleet's ships of the Line (original universe/canon)]]
Might as well talk about that main faction. The United Federation of Planets is what the [[Tau]] think they are. Its backstory is that in the distant future of the 1990s, [[God-Emperor of Mankind|übermensch]] [[Space Marines|created by genetic engineering]] began conquering the Earth. The [[Imperial Guard|normies]] fought back and won through sheer numbers, cryogenically freezing the Augments and kicking them out of Earth, but the damage and mass political unrest of World War III got half the planet nuked. This was why genetic engineering was banned. Fortunately, in 2063, a <s>drunken asshole</s> heroic visionary named Zefram Cochrane created humanity's first warp drive (though it functioned based on the principle that gravity bends space-time, and was therefore more akin to an Alcubierre drive than anything that's dependent on the [[Warp]]) and made first contact with the Vulcans. The Vulcans eventually helped humanity rebuild and overcome poverty, disease, war and hunger. With its Earthly problems solved, man turned to the stars and found out its three closest neighbors were [[Imperium of Man|racist xenophobic dicks trying to murder each other]]. Since any war between them would've swept up puny little Earth and gotten it glassed, humans decided to force their neighbors to sit down and talk things out. Incredibly, it worked, and the United Federation of Planets was born.

The Federation is a commie [[noblebright]] hippieland society with a post-scarcity economy and a strong democratic government ([[Mary Sue|pretty much Roddenberry's idea of utopia]]). As a result, Federation citizens work not because they have to, but because they want to. However, despite their advanced technology, transhumanism, that is intentionally making [[Space Marines|SPESS MEHREENS]] and mutants like the infamous antagonist Khan Noonien Singh, is illegal.

The Federation's Navy is almost always called Starfleet. It's a mix between a military, a coast guard and a space agency, and usually rates scientific research as a higher priority than defense. One of its quirks is that it doesn't subscribe to the "bigger is better" policy used in most [[Warhammer 40K|sci-fi]], and even by most of the other ''Star Trek factions''. If the Federation ''does'' make a large ship, it's because they want it to have a daycare, swimming pool and ice cream bar. If they want a warship, they'll take a little gunship half the size of a modern day destroyer and pack it with enough antimatter nukes and guns to exterminate a solar system. In some cases, especially when dealing with ships from several centuries into the future, the ship is bigger on the inside than on the outside [[Creed|allowing it to hide a vast array of powerful armaments, ''space-bending'' equipment, and even whole planetary landscapes]]. They can get away with this because they out-tech almost everyone else by a country mile. The reason for the series' infamous "technobabble" is that <s>even ''they'' don't know everything their tech can do!</s> their technology is always evolving, and they know it so well that they can often use it in ways that even the original in-show design schematics did not intend.

In theory, Starfleet follows a rule called the "Prime Directive", which says that you're not allowed to interfere with low-tech races ("low-tech" being defined as "not having invented the warp drive", since warp technology apparently follows naturally from the laws of physics) or else things like turning the locals into Nazis might happen. The Original Series talked about this rule all the time, and Captain Kirk threw it aside whenever there was a sexy alien babe in sight. From ''TNG'' onward, it tended to instead be brought up whenever a hack writer needed a reason for the heroes to ''not'' instantly resolve a given problem with their superior technology or a way of making our heroes look like assholes for following it rigidly (yes, we could save this species from extinction but that would be interfering with the cosmic plan!), though there were a few good episodes that took it seriously.

Some of the more important member races are:

'''Founding members:'''
* [[Humans]]: You know 'em, you love 'em. Comprise seemingly 90% of Starfleet for reasons in no way related to the cost of makeup/CGI.
* [[Vulcan]]: The Original [[Eldar|Space Elves]], very emotional, especially during "pon'farr" (see below), who followed the teachings of an enlightened sage and embraced logic and rationalism after their emotions nearly led to them [[Slaanesh|wiping themselves out]]. They are what the average race of fantasy elves think they are, except on ''Enterprise'' because the writers wanted to artificially inject tension into the show (some of that was retconned to be a Romulan plot). Occasionally enter a state called "pon'farr," where they need to either [[Dark Eldar| fuck something half to death]], kill it with the nearest sharp object, or die of a brain aneurysm to let out all that pent-up emotional tension. Fa/tg/uys may recognize this as the sensation they feel every time [[Games Workshop]] puts out a new army book. There are ships with mostly Vulcan crews. But only two are seen. One commanded by the biggest jerk among them and the other [[grimdark|got eaten by a giant space amoeba.]] However they're pretty bro-tier overall.
* Andorians: Blue dudes with antennae and constant fits of passion, the polar opposite of Vulcans and their one time foes. Pretty much fa/tg/uys, right down to the romantic streak, in the technical sense. Also, they live underground on a diet of meatbread and rage. Most of what defined them happened in Enterprise as they rarely showed up in the TNG-era, and even then did so as set dressing, allegedly because one of the showrunners hated their antennae and banned anyone from using them.
* Tellarites: Space [[Dwarf|Dorfs]]; like insulting everyone and arguing a lot (no, really, petty insults are considered a polite gesture in Tellarite culture), mostly because the very first tellarite ever shown in the series got in an argument with Spock's dad and now it's their whole racial thing. “Sarek said something in a scene once that was meant to demonstrate that he was stand-offish and kinda rude, but we like Sarek so it's now the defining attribute of this species.” It's all in good fun you understand, your confidence in your ideas and actions should be sturdy enough to withstand honest assessment and critique.
'''Notable Additional Members:'''
* Betazoids: Invariably attractive humanoid aliens with telepathic powers. Half-betazoid, half-humans apparently only have "empathic" powers, so they are well-regarded by Starfleet captains for their ability to point out the obvious and fill out the tight bodygloves that make up the Starfleet uniform in a pleasing manner, especially since theirs seem to come in a custom cut for reasons entirely unrelated to Roddenberry's erection. Their homeworld is like dropping a really hippie college and Space Vegas into a blender. They were taken over during The Dominion war because Earth or Vulcan would be seen as bullshit due to their large post Borg attack defense fleets/ship yards. While the writers would have to actually add new characters for the Andorians and Tellarites(such as Ambassadors for a government in exile). So Betazoid took the hit to raise the stakes.
* Trill: Originally a one-off race introduced as a sapient parasite that possesses and controls a barely, or even unintelligent humanoid host, they were radically reworked in ''Deep Space Nine'', right down to losing their rubber foreheads in favor of spots. Now, the host is itself an intelligent humanoid, and some, but not all, of their kind are able to willingly merge with a symbiont (because someone can't spell) that allows them to access a mixture of the memories and personalities of all previous hosts, though in a way that, theoretically, enhances the host's personality rather than destroying it or subsuming it. Then, when they die, they can pass on the symbiont to another host, theoretically, one they mentored. They went from having a rubber forehead to some spots because Terry Farrell had a allergic reaction to the make-up.
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'''The Klingon Empire'''
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[[Image:Batleth.jpg|thumb|right|A Bat'Leth (sword of honor), one of several types of Klingon bladed weapons. Frequently mocked IRL for being a poorly designed weapon.]]
[[Commissar|''"It is a good day to die!"'']]

The Federation's main rival and (movie era and afterward) the quintessential ''Star Trek'' race of lumpy foreheaded aliens. Originally they were a rough analog to the Russians (though they took some elements from [[Communism|communist China]]) in a rough cold war allegory with the Federation (even though the Federation are as commie as they come, though admittedly much of that came around in the TNG era). Their defining feature was that they were militaristic and imperialistic while the Federation was scholarly and respected liberty. This gradually moved more and more into them becoming Imperial Japan/[[Vikings]] In SPESSS obsessed with honor, fighting and dying honorably in battle while worshiping at the altar of [[Sigmar|warrior Jesus]], even as they turned from the Federation's bitter enemies into that friend who's fun to be around when he's not getting into drunken bar fights. You see shades of it during the movie era and it became more and more prominent through ''TNG'', culminating in ''DS9''. Do not make the mistake of thinking that Klingons are nothing more than barbaric savages, however; with Worf being part of the crew, and with ''DS9'' dealing with Klingon politics an awful lot we can see Klingon society as it truly is. Even so, they do often wander into self-parody territory.

The Klingons, in their current iteration, are a feudal society ruled by a council made up of the most powerful families. Klingon society holds very little value on things such as currency and material gain (which results in the Klingon empire [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q65l7RHUx2A having a very simplistic understanding of economics]), believing that anything you acquire without some form of blood, sweat and/or tears on your part is a pathetic and dishonorable way of going about things, much the same way many cultures used to hurl abuse at merchants and bankers. Another thing to keep in mind is that a Klingon's reputation is literally everything. This can be easily seen in the episode "The House Of Quark" where dying honorably can literally change the outcome of an entire noble house, later when the Grand Council is visibly disgusted at D'Ghor. No respectable Klingon uses ''money'' to defeat his opponents. And no respectable Klingon would be so eager to perform an execution of an unarmed Ferengi in what was supposed to be an honorable duel. Klingons are still capable of being cunning and crafty, however, and having a high diplomacy score is viewed as honorable as they still have examples of cunning and clever heroes tricking boorish and stupid monsters.

[[Warhammer 40000|Klingons often carry swords into battle in an age of energy beam guns]]. In-universe, this is less suicidal than it sounds in the context of boarding actions and tight starship corridors. The Bat'leth is actually a rather shitty weapon. The Mek'leth is noted to be better in most situations. They use the same Disruptor weapons as the Romulans, and at one point used similar starship designs. While is explained as the result of a temporary and unholy alliance, given the eventual animosity between the two races, it was just an excuse to reuse props on a limited budget.

The Klingons are tied with the Vulcans and the Borg as being the most prominent and recognizable non-human species in Star Trek. Beloved of the Internet and the general public, to the point that there are published books like "A Klingon Christmas" in the world. The Klingons have their own constructed language. If you are ever worrying that you might not be a nerd, learning Klingon will solve that problem for you. Please note that this is in general considered by experts to be pathognomonic of [[Chris-Chan|autism]]. You have not experienced Shakespeare until you hear it in the original Klingon.
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'''The Romulan Star Empire'''
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''"It's always chess with the Romulans"''

You know those [[Eldar|Vulcans]]? Well a few thousand years ago, as their planet was ravaged by war, some of them turned to intense emotional control and logic to tame their murderous passions, while most others left the planet altogether, founding a colony on the planet Romulus and dubbing themselves [[Dark Eldar|Romulans]]. Since said planet shares a name with a mythical figure known for founding [[Roman Empire|a city which built a vast empire]], and they had warp drive while those around them did not, you probably know that they turned to building an empire of their own. They hold the second place of prominence as immediate rivals to the Federation. Comically, they actually have better emotional control than the average Vulcan, since they gene-engineered most of their problems away years ago, and don't have to deal with the emotional blowback from pon'farr. The downside is that they lost some of their cousins' niftier powers, like mind-reading and being able to transfer their soul into another person for safekeeping. Although Star Trek Online also revealed that their trip to Romulus was a terrible ordeal, and their gene-engineering was taking during that time resulting in them losing most emotions save for bitterness of being "forced out".

The difference between the Klingons and the Romulans is basically the difference between Gork and Mork, or Khorne and Tzeentch. Klingons will fight you up front with simple brute force. Romulans are sneakier guys, preferring to fight you when you're not looking with spies, cloaked ships and complex plots behind the scenes and playing the long game. There is a lot of political infighting among them, though where the Klingons would duel to the death Romulans would seek to discredit their rivals, have them die in unfortunate "accidents" or disappear. This difference has left both Romulans and Klingons with a big hate-boner for each other, to the Romulans the Klingons are crude brutish barbarians and to the Klingons the Romulans are a pack of scheming cowardly weaklings.

Like the Klingons, they served as a rough Cold War allegory. In this case, they were rough analogs to Communist China (as seen by 1960s Americans), a distant horde of inscrutable and potentially dangerous Orientals who generally were unseen and projecting vague menace, but when encountered face-to-face could pack quite a punch indeed: the first major Interstellar War that Star Trek Earth fought was with the Romulans, which was fought entirely in space with neither side ever seeing the other face to face. Afterward, they set up a 'Neutral Zone' between the Federation and the Romulan Empire that no one even tried to cross for a century. From the Original Series onward, they frequently squabble and bicker with the Federation, before joining forces with them to fight the Dominion in ''Deep Space Nine'' and having their government devastated in ''Nemesis''.

In one of the two alternate universes created by J.J.<strike>Binks</strike>Abrams movies, the so-called "Prime Universe", Romulus itself got caught in a supernova as part of the Abramsverse's backstory. ''Picard'' has revealed that Starfleet was going to help evacuate Romulus before the nova hit, but then some rogue androids destroyed the shipyards that the rescue fleet was being built at, so the Federation shrugged, flipped the Romulans the bird, and let them get blown up. The Romulan Star Empire collapsed in the aftermath, with the surviving Romulans are now scattered across half the galaxy. Most of the former Romulan colonies are now officially governed by the Romulan Free State, but their ability to exert their authority is implied to be limited at best and non-existent at worst. The Neutral Zone, in particular, collapsed into near lawlessness. One of their secret police/ anti android cults got a hold of Borg cube and were presumably up to some nefarious shit with it until the events of Star Trek Picard.
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'''The Ferengi Alliance'''
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[[Image:GW_Ferengi.jpg|thumb|left|A typical ferengi engaged in typical ferengi activities]]
{{topquote|A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.|Eighteenth Rule of Acquisition}}

Introduced in ''TNG's'' early days as the villains for the series, and what [[/pol/]] thinks Jews are. Some Jewish people have actually complained about their being subliminally Jewish and thus anti-Semetic, specifically mentioning that they were money-hungry, lascivious, and ugly, and their large ear lobes were stand-ins for the sterotypical Jewish nose, based on an old medieval stereotype that was enforced to prevent them owning land or assets and ended up sticking around long after the fact (i.e. ([https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/made-by-history/wp/2018/08/14/science-fictions-anti-semitism-problem/?noredirect=on we're not shitting you] but also they have a valid gripe).

The idea was to make a caricature of capitalism as a contrast with the techno-communist Federation. This might have worked if these were not [[FAIL|''TNG's'' early days]]. Instead, they overshot the mark by a light year or so, on top of other bad decisions, and you got a race of short, big-eared, [[goblin]]-like losers about as threatening as a grumpy pug. (Gene wanted to make an evil short race as big evil races were overplayed.) Over the first and second seasons they tried to make these guys threatening, but they fell flat on their face every time; eventually the writers just said "fuck it" and the Ferengi got demoted to comic relief species, and their status as terrible enemies was demoted to propaganda designed to scare the Federation while the Ferengi government tried to figure out what to make of a species that rejected the acquisition of wealth as a goal. The Ferengi had some good moments in the later seasons of ''TNG'', but most of the best stuff that fleshed them out came from ''DS9'', which had an [[awesome]] Ferengi bartender named Quark as a major character. For an idea of what the Ferengi might have been like if the writers had their shit together, look up the Druuge of [[Star Control|Star Control II]] or the Magog Cartel from Oddworld.

Ferengi religion is only hinted upon in ''DS9'', but what is seen implies a simplistic system based on financial success. Ferengi all follow a rulebook/canon known as the Rules of Acquisition, which can be described as Ayn Rand IN SPACE and condensed into the form of Confucius' Analects. There are 285 of these, each a short piece of advice on how to stay in the black. Examples include "Peace is good for business," "War is good for business," "Never have sex with the boss's sister," and "Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack." The first (and most important) of these is "Once you have their money, you never give it back." Sometimes, the Ferengi Randian spirituality extends into outright interpretations of the afterlife: according to some, the afterlife consists of the Divine Treasury and the Vault of Eternal Destitution, which are respectively analogous to Heaven and Hell. Entrance into one or the other depends on one's business ventures at the time of death; those that were turning a profit are allowed to enter the Divine Treasury, and the rest are damned to the Vault.

Ferengi government is ruled over by a Grand Nagus, a mix between a <s>pope</s> chief rabbi and a CEO, and he basically treats his civilization like some sort of company, with citizens regarded as workers. Directly below him is the Ferengi Commerce Authority, a [[what|quasi-religious]] organization dedicated to ensuring that correct business practices were followed and correct moral behavior was shown (including keeping the proles in line) - of course, to the Ferengi, these are one and the same. The agents of the FCA are the Liquidators, who are essentially Inquisitors crossed with IRS auditors on steroids. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Ferengi females have no rights and are mentioned as [[PROMOTIONS|not even being allowed to wear clothes]], which leads to [[That Guy|boorish behavior]] on the part of Ferengi towards just about any species. Of course, we see female Ferengi on the show who push that envelope, but it seems that overall "regressive" does not even begin to describe the gender relationships in their culture. Quark's mother, a social climber who marries the head of their government, begins pushing through a women's rights movement during DS9, which proves more successful as time goes on.
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'''The Borg Collective'''
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[[Image:Borg cube.jpg|300px|thumb|right|The Borg have assimilated and improved your [[d6|die]]. It always rolls six. Crap your pants, 'cause resistance is futile.]]
{{Topquote|We are the Borg. Lower your shields and surrender your ships. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your culture shall adapt to service us. Resistance is futile.|The Borg's opening hail. This is not a boast or a brag, it's them simply explaining you how things are going to go down.}}
{{Topquote|One other thing. You may encounter Enterprise crew members who've already been assimilated. Don't hesitate to fire. Believe me, you'll be doing them a favour.|Picard going full [[grimdark]].}}

The Ferengi were utter failures as serious villains, so they needed something to fill that gap. Thus they made the Borg, an aggressive [[Tyranid|hive-minded]] collective of hyper-adaptive, [[Necron|regenerating]] cyborgs that assimilates entire species into itself in its attempt to improve and evolve. Shit, that's like coming up with [[Warforged]] while trying to replace [[Kender]].

In many ways, the Borg are the truest dark reflection of the Federation, and despite their name, they're not Swedish. While the Feds want you to join their little club on your own, to "add your culture to the galactic community," the Prime Directive means they will ultimately accept you turning them down, even if you have shit they really want. The Borg say "fuck that" and just absorb you. While the Federation believes everyone should work together [[Tau|for the greater good]], they still have a very strong sense of individualism and a culture of personal accomplishment (unless your individual belief happens to run counter to the Federation's principles anyway, in which case you're just WRONG because the Federation is the best). The Borg pool all their minds together into a massive collective consciousness in the pursuit of group perfection, becoming an almost-literal personification of techno-capital. The Federation is all about beauty and tranquility and all that hippie stuff, and their tech is eco-friendly and dolphin-safe. Borg [[Tyranids|strip mine entire planets and drain entire oceans]] in the name of growth and efficiency.

Your standard Borg [[Cubes|cube]] is a huge multi-kilometer [[Firaeveus Carron|metal box]] (yes, bigger than most [[Imperial Navy]] cruisers) able to go up against an entire Federation warfleet and win. That's right, one of their ships could threaten the entire Federation and [[Exterminatus]] Earth. When done right, [[Necron|they are a cold, calculating, nigh-unstoppable force, a threat to all life]] that wants to retain free and distinct personalities (although they will ignore a single person if not on an assimilation mission, as what they really want is to absorb whole civilizations). Apparently, in Picard's nightmare in ''First Contact'', the Borg assimilation process includes a surgical [[Grimdark|drill through the eye. While awake.]] Of all the stuff to come out of the TNG Era they are undoubtedly the most well recognized in mass pop culture.

Unfortunately the got a bad downgrade during ''Voyager'' (the Borg Queen blew up cubes full of tens of thousands of drones because a few of them have been severed from the Hive Mind), but even there they were frequently not to be messed with. One amusing thing to note for people that haven't watched ''TNG'': the Borg were actually only in six episodes (and three were breakaway drones) and one movie, yet they're arguably the franchise's most famous pure villains aside from Khan. Goes to show how good they were when written properly. Then in ''Voyager'' they get their shit completely pushed in when they discover a new race of extradimensional aliens which they label Species 8472, which were immune to being assimilated, and had to ask the Federation for help in dealing with them. [[Necron#Regarding_Fluff_Change_-_Sore_Butts_Everywhere.|Wait, this sounds familiar...]]
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'''The Cardassian Union'''
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Introduced in ''TNG'', they are third fiddle to the Klingons and the Romulans. If the Klingons are hypothetically-honorable techno-barbarian warriors and the Romulans are an empire of civilized and refined but sly and ruthless expansionists, the Cardassians are essentially scaly fascists re-enacting ''[[1984]]'' IN SPACE. Their trials announce the outcome at the beginning, and the defense attorney is executed if he wins. Also, THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS!

Originally a race of peaceable, spiritual artists called the Hebitians (ironically not dissimilar to the Bajorans), modern Cardassia was born in hunger and desperation when their homeworld began to suffer simultaneous mass famine, pandemic, resource depletion, and ecological collapse. A military junta seized power, figuratively and literally auctioned off the soul of their culture through liquidating all the planet's art and religious artifacts into cold hard cash, and turned the Cardassians into the opportunistic imperialists they are today.

Despite being a whole lot weaker than the Federation, the Cardassians manage to hold their own, partly because what they lack in resources and raw power is made up for by a combination of intense cunning and high charisma stats. Compared to the equally deceptive Romulans, the Cardies are more likely to flash you a smile while tickling your ribs with a knife. They'll use any tool they can to gain the upper hand and while that often means unpleasant and terminal sessions in dark rooms, strip mined planets and the enslavement of entire species, they'll gladly become your bestest buddy if it would achieve their goals. Their intelligence service, the Obsidian Order, is also one of the most ruthlessly efficient organizations in the entire sector, managing to outscale the Romulan Tal Shiar when it comes to producing magnificent bastards and manipulating the politics of entire worlds to their advantage. Unlike the Romulans or the Klingons, they don't tolerate the sort of literal infighting that is rampant in both those states, that shit only serves to weaken '''GLORIOUS CARDASSIA''' and needs to be stamped out with ruthless efficiency. Exposing that someone who just happens to be your enemy as being a dangerous subversive is just a benefit, although this can result in both sides of a conflict shouting "For Cardassia!" as they charge each other. Sort of how Democrats and Republicans are both for America, yet oppose each other.

Cardassia has a very fluid hierarchical government, similar to the political realities of post-Stalin but pre-Collaspe Soviet Russia. Broadly speaking, there are three different facets of the government: the Central Command (which holds all the power) the Obsidian Order (who holds the least amount of power, but controls the most puppets) and the Detapa Council (similar to the [[High Lords of Terra]] and just as worthless). Cardassian society holds a very strict view of family, placing family just below the needs of the State in a vague approximation of Confucianism.

The State holds a semi-divine mythical status in the eyes of its citizens, with it being viewed as impossible for the State to ever make mistakes. The ideal Cardassian life was one of complete loyalty and servitude to the State and family, with the "repetitive epic," detailing how generations of Cardassians go on to serve both in exactly the same way over and over seen as the height of their culture. The Cardassian government is assumed to be omniscient, omnipotent, and benevolent by pretty much every Cardassian, with all Cadassians gladly giving of themselves to the State. Such was this level of belief that when Picard was tortured by the Obsidian order, the torturer saw nothing wrong with bringing his daughter to work because he was working for the State, and therefore the torture of Picard could never be disturbing or wrong. That's why their trials announce their sentences at the beginning and execute the defense attorney if he wins; their "trials" are more excuses to show off the power and infallibility of the State to the masses than actually determine guilt or innocence.

In terms of the Alpha Quadrant's political landscape, they are basically space fascist Italy: indisputably still a great power but nonetheless basically the weakest of the great powers, resentful of it, and unwilling to accept it. They first bully weaker powers in an attempt to carve out an empire, turn from a military junta to a despotist state after a coup, eventually join a bigger, meaner power in a great war against the rest of the Quadrant in an attempt to gain power and respect, see it blow up in their faces and force them to rise again in revolt to save themselves. Beta canon continues the analogy with the establishment of a democratic but unstable postwar government in the vein of the Years of Lead.

As far as plot significant activities went, they had a war with the Federation a few years before ''TNG'' which ended in the creation of a Demilitarized Zone between the two powers and (significant to ''Deep Space Nine'') abandoning the previously occupied planet of Bajor they had exploited for resources and along with it the space station Terok Nor, which the Federation took over and renamed Deep Space Nine. After a disastrous war with the Klingon Empire and a faction of ex-Starfleet settlers who refused to be relocated after a treaty called the Maquis led to a popular revolution and overthrow of the existing government, one leader seized power, declared himself absolute ruler, and joined the Dominion towards the end of ''DS9'', which was some serious bad news for the ''DS9'' crew, and, ultimately his own people.

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'''The Bajoran Republic'''
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The Bajorans are a species native to the Planet Bajor. They were, until shortly before the events of ''Deep Space Nine'', under a brutal occupation by the Cardassians who strip mined their planet. They had a fighting resistance which veered in and out of being considered terrorists and all in all were often represented as Palestinians IN SPEHSS. After that, they got their independence, although they're thinking about joining the Federation. The Bajorans have one system and are technologically backwards; the Federation is technically breaking the Prime Directive by interacting with them, but as they've spent years under the oppression of a warp-capable species, they can probably handle it. Also ''DS9'' proves that ancient Bajorans managed to travel at warp speeds to Cardassia using solar sails and an enormous amount of luck, which technically makes them a warp-capable species. The only reason why they are significant in terms of the politics of ''Star Trek'' is that they have a wormhole near their planet, which has some timey-wimey aliens living it that they worship as gods, and serves as the only way to get to or from the Gamma Quadrant that won't take decades, making it strategically priceless. Hilariously, this was discovered almost immediately after the Cardassians ''thought'' they'd extracted everything of value from the Bajorans and peace'd out, certain that the system was no longer worth the PR hit they were taking from it, only to get burned by some harsh seller's remorse. Also, their species has the oldest civilization (roughly a half-million years) of any major ''Star Trek'' race, and the wormhole aliens have gifted them some cool shit, like the Orb of Time.

The other big thing that makes the Bajorans unique is that they actually have a serious religion going on in a way that isn't an extension of their racial "hat" -the human race is depicted as mostly non-religious. They're also probably one of the most accurate depictions of any highly religious alien race in a sci-fi franchise, because they are divided between the majority who interpret their religion as [[Noblebright|peace and love]], and a small but loud minority of bastards who interpret it as [[Grimdark|condoning acts of terrorism]]. They generally represent all manner of oppressed and colonized peoples throughout Earth's history, with the Cardassian occupation standing in for the Holocaust, Imperial Japanese atrocities in Asia, and European mischief in Africa during the Age of Imperialism.
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'''The Dominion'''
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A vast empire which exists on the other side of the galaxy in the Gamma Quadrant. The Dominion is ruled over by a species of liquid shapeshifters called The Founders.(aka Changlings, Odo's people) They have at their disposal a military composed of two genetically engineered species that worship the Founders as gods: the short and articulate Vorta who serve as ambassadors, bureaucrats, and political commisars and the big brutal Jem'hadar, who are vat grown, drug addicted, cannon fodder. These oversee a large number of vassal races, including (as of later seasons of ''DS9'') the Cardassians.

The Founders were once (according to them anyway) a peaceful, kind civilization of explorers who wished to see the galaxy, explore strange new worlds, and seek out new forms of life. Unfortunately, they did this in the wrong neighborhood, and quickly ran into species who did not tolerate others. The fact that the Founders were shapeshifters capable of mimicking almost anyone did not help either. Paranoia, mutual mistrust, and some very bad things eventually led to the Founders deciding "fuck this" and moving their planet into a nebula so nobody would bother them. So more or less, a [[Grimdark|grimmer]], [[Grimdark|darker]], counterpart to the Federation, but with spookier Real Aliens.

The Founders are obsessed with order and are both extremely racist and xenophobic, and believe that all alien life is inherently untrustworthy and evil, and the best thing to do is conquer/enslave them before they do the same to them. They don't care about the rights of "Solids", and will happily ignore any sense of decency when convenient. This can be seen when The Dominion runs a simulation of the Dominion dominating the Alpha Quadrant. When O'Brien is assaulted by a Jem'Hadar and severely beaten to the point of needing emergency teleportation to medical (the crime being "disrespectful"), the Founders (disguised as Federation Officers) do not press charges, and when Sisko comes barging in demanding answers, dismiss him with little concern about their own soldiers brutalizing citizens. Their overall ideology could be thought of as Qin legalism IN SPACE: people are inherently evil and the only way to make a better world is to impose order upon them through brute force from a position of absolute, unquestioned power.

The Founders, when not wandering around in various forms, tend to spend their time in a massive ocean literally made up of countless billions of Founders, something which is referred to as the Great Link. According to the Founders, this allows them to share information with each other and come to peaceful decisions. This is rapidly proved to be bullshit; when a separated-at-birth one of their own merged into the Great Link to share his memories of the Federation as peaceful and tolerant space hippies, not only did the Founders ignore his memories, but actively fucked with his mind in an attempt to turn him into a sleeper agent. And even if it weren't, it shows their hypocrisy through their willingness to share freedom and liberty among themselves while depriving all their various slaves and conquered peoples of the same.

The Founders are massive dicks, even to their own people. Failure among Jem'Hadar is rewarded with slow and painful death from deprivation of the drug they're created to need and their lifespans are incredibly short. To be even bigger dicks, the Vorta have no sense of taste and can't appreciate beauty. Not to make them better diplomats, but because they were raised from a primitive stone-age ape tribe, and the Founders think they shouldn't be ever allowed to forget that. (On the plus side, they did give the Vorta an immunity to poison that would make [[Mortarion]] himself jealous. [https://youtu.be/rACCZaBcq1g?t=1m29s Observe.]) This may also stem from their own neuroses: the Founders themselves have almost no bodily needs at all and require no nourishment, so they design their slaves to be like them. Notably, Vorta tend to come in [[Paranoia|packs of clones; a new one is activated when an old one dies, and they retain some memories and personality between "lives,"]] further hammering home how expendable they are to their makers.

And both races are literally engineered to love their makers for what they have done to them and worship and revere them as gods.

They ultimately get what's coming to them in the latter half of ''Deep Space Nine'', through an invasion of the Alpha Quadrant that starts out in their favor and rapidly goes against them.
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'''Species 8472 / Undine'''
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The one and only race in the galaxy even the Borg don't want to fuck with. Introduced in Voyager, Species 8472 are three-legged creatures that live in a space called Fluid Space. It's similar to the [[Eye of Terror]] for the fact that it connects to an alternate dimension and [[Khorne|everyone will be ripped apart upon entering.]]

When the Borg first came around to try and assimilate them they were completely obliterated in a war in which 4 million Borg were killed in the first few days at the cost of almost no members of Species 8472. This war was such a roflstomp that the Borg were forced to call on the Federation for help. [[Tau|The Federation being the better people swallowed their pride and decided to help their sworn enemies,]] [[Eldrad|but were dicks and sent only one ship.]]

Species 8472 fought with fast moving, small ships and devastating beam weapons so the small ship of the Federation could keep up with them and helped the Borg force the species back into Fluid Space. The Federation were the villains on this one. That said, they eventually came to an accord with Species 8472, preventing further wars between the denizens of Fluid Space, except in lots and lots of video games that want to use a fresh antagonist.

That and that in ''Star Trek Online'', [[Awesome|they look like the fucking Predator.]]
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'''The Q'''
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Not to be confused with Q''Anon'' (a [[Internet Troll|psy-op]] by a self-admitted Q-clearance GlowInTheDark to discredit Trump voters, as if they needed the help), the Q are a race of beings who have elevated themselves to the point where they are basically gods. Most of them do not interact directly with the younger races, who they tend to consider with disdain- if they consider them at all. However a few of them take a more enlightened view, and one in particular has been known to fuck with individual humans from time time. They are mostly a TNG thing, and even there they work mostly by grace of John de Lancie's acting chops as a counterpoint to the charisma of Patrick Stewart, as de Lancie played the ''character'' Q.

Q, then is, like QAnon, an all-powerful epic troll. TNG's Q's occasionally [[Tzeentch]]ian games sometimes appeared to be for his own amusement and sometimes acted as education or event protection to the human race. Various subplots involving the Q ''species'' range from somewhat thought provoking to mildly entertaining to ridiculous and banal, but the classic episodes that highlighted the charisma and chemistry of the two actors were often quite excellent. De Lancie also appeared as Q in DS9 and Voyager a couple of times, but the chemistry just isn't there without Patrick Stuart (even though the scene where Avery Brooks actually punches him in the face telling him "I'm not Picard!" is quite funny, since 'punching Q' is high on the wishlist of anyone that had the misfortune to meet him).
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=== The Mirror Universe ===
This isn't a faction; it's an alternate setting. Its own factions do bleed into the mainline starting in DS9. So it merits its own section.

The Mirror is a parallel universe in which [[Alternate History|things have gone differently]] in Earth's History. The main point of divergence appears to occur when the Vulcan scientists who landed at Bozeman, Montana in 2063 are not welcomed with alcohol and music but instead are killed and have their ship looted. It is equally clear that where the main universe is Noblebright the Mirror Universe is Grimdark. Instead of a peace loving Federation searching for knowledge and friendly cooperation for the betterment of all, Earth gave rise to the ''Terran Empire'' which seeks out new life and civilizations to conquer and enslave, as it had done with the Klingons. Pretty much it's the PG-13 version of the Imperium of Man with a bit more Grimderp. Junior officers get promoted by killing their superiors, those that fail at that get thrown in the agony booth for their troubles and Emperor gets the job by usurping the previous incumbent. As a rule, characters in the mainline become, in the Mirror Universe, a selfish asshole version of themselves (or have to go along to get along: O'Brien, Spock). Following comic book logic the uniforms for the female characters are more revealing. Occasionally people can cross over from one universe to the next due to technobabble and cause mischief in either realm.

Originally it was a one off TOS setting for an episode of the week, but it was brought back in a few novels and some romps in Deep Space Nine in which [[Fail|the Terran Empire had fallen]]. In Enterprise's fourth season it got a two parter that was pretty good and would have been an annual thing if the show had been renewed, this one having little crossover with the main universe (a ship from TOS ended up in the Mirror Universe and is salvaged after all it's crew have died). We also went there in Discovery, for better or worse. Voyager never did the mirror universe, but instead got a homage episode with some alien historians in the far future getting the details wrong like historians tend to.

=== The Star Trek Crew ===
Whether the focus of the show is exploration, manning a space station in an important locale or trying to get home, all Star Trek series have a basic set up of casting and focus: namely on a collection of people who are usually the senior-most officers on the ship. If you decide to make a Star Trek inspired game take this into consideration.

* '''The Captain''': Big cheese. Makes the hard decisions. Needs to be able to talk, think or fight out of situations as needed. The third option fetishist finding the balance between empathy and reason. (Two least skubby examples: Kirk and Picard, but the skub will fly hard if you say one is better than the other, sufficed to say that people like both of them alot but for different reasons)
* '''The First Officer''': Second in command and trusted advisor. Added after the original series, where the role was combined with and split between two others. (Two least skubby examples: Riker and Kira)
* '''The Science Officer''': Got high Int stats. Can analyze the situation and work out solutions. The voice of reason. Almost never human. (Two least skubby examples: Data and Spock)
* '''The Engineer''': Hard working technically minded guy who gets shit done. (Two least skubby examples: Scotty and Geordi)
* '''The Doctor''': Ship's healer with a secondary scientific role. The voice of empathy, whether prickly or serene. (Two least skubby examples: Bones and the EMH Doctor)
* '''The Security Officer''': Rough and tumble no-nonsense sort whose job it is to keep these guys alive when diplomacy fails, which it often does. Often has to juggle providing ship's security with working the tactical station on the bridge in a crisis. (Two least skubby examples: Worf and Odo)
* '''The Helmsman''': Got mad spacecraft piloting skills, either full-sized starships, shuttles, or fighters. Younger and more brash. (Two least skubby examples: Sulu and Tom Paris)
* '''The Other Guy''': A crewmember whose role doesn't cleanly map onto other positions, a role often restricted to a single show. Example positions include communications officer, ship's councilor, transporter chief, and linguist. (Two Least skubby examples: Uhura and Troi)
* '''The Outsider''': Someone who is a passenger and regular cast member, but exists outside the organization, looking in and commenting. Usually works a side-job, like tailor, bartender, or cook. Either a beloved fan-favorite or utterly despised, there is no middle ground. (Two Least skubby examples: Guinan and Quark)

Some of these hats may be worn by more than one character, some may be worn by no one at all. This is especially true in the original series, which had a smaller cast overall, and which put less emphasis on an ensemble and more on the main trio of Kirk, Spock, and McCoy. The usual roles and character dynamics were instead set down by ''The Next Generation'', which later series generally copied.

= The Shows =
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==''The Original Series''==
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Created in 1966 by legendary sci-fi [[spiritual liege]] and money-grubbing, sexist, pseudo-communist lounge lizard Gene Roddenberry and pitched as a "Wagon Train to the stars", it's a pulpy adventure sci-fi, full of fistfights, sword fights, and hammy speeches. (The guns never work.)

The USS ''Enterprise'' is tasked by the Federation to go on a five year mission to explore space: the final frontier, to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations and boldly go where no man has gone before, though due to budget constraints, her crew often finds that man has in fact gone there before. Or at least something that looks exactly like a man but is actually an [[Xenos|alien]]; most episodes split the difference. James T. Kirk sleeps with [[Hot Chicks|hot alien babes]] who either die tragically or leave tearfully at the end of the episode, but it's 'k because he's too in love with the Enterprise to ever love a mere ''woman'' more. Mr. Spock and Dr. McCoy are cold and logical and rash and emotional respectively, and their constant friction must be resulting in the best make-up sex in the world, Mr. Sulu and Lieutenant Uhura wait in vain for focus episodes that never come, Ensign Chekhov suffers horribly to the approval of American Cold War audiences, and Scotty [[gets shit done]]. Uniforms, while iconic, tend to look a bit civilian though. Miniskirts are apparently mandated attire for the ship's fan-servicey female "yeomen" and others, because 1966. The civilian nature of the attire (including, one must assume, the miniskirts, but they had a visual appeal all their own) were apparently an intentional design decision by Roddenberry who didn't want uniforms to look military. Further specialness on the part of Roddenberry demanded phasers not look like guns ([[FAIL|not even have trigger-guards even though those exist for safety reasons]]), instead looking like nothing in particular at all (although looking back at them today they look sort of like TV remotes, which would be invented much later), and also (probably the only sensible decision in this category) ships that didn't look like rockets, giving ships their distinctive and iconic saucer-engineering-nacelles look that still stands out today.

The Original Series frequently ran out of budget and entire episodes were filmed using spare costumes belonging to the production company, resulting in a series of extremely goofy excuses to go to planets full of gangsters or [[Nazi]]s. This is often copied by shows who don't realize it was done out of pure expediency, and nowadays this [[TVTropes|"Planet of Hats"]] gimmick is practically a box to check off when doing sci-fi adventure. The lack of budget also resulted in one of the more memorable inventions; unable to budget for a sequence showing the ''Enterprise'' or a shuttle landing on a new planet every week, the writers instead decided to invent the transporter to "beam" the crew down to planets or between starships. Also worth noting: despite its mediocre critical reception, ratings and eventual cancellation, not to forget the uneven quality of many episodes, especially in the Roddenberry-less third season where poor Fred Freiberger had to come onto a show he didn't understand and try to get better ratings with less money, ''TOS'' had a hell of a cultural impact thanks to syndication and it has been said that since it entered syndication in 1969, there hasn't been a 24-hour period without some TV station, in some country, playing Star Trek. Cancellation of The Original Series is now considered one of the worst decisions in TV history, and while much of its silly 60's campiness is now laughable, it often still manages to teach relevant and important lessons today.

Fun fact: the ''Enterprise'' and each of her 11 sister ships have enough firepower to [[Exterminatus]] a planet by themselves, after getting issued an order called General Order 24. This however is likely a time-consuming task. According to a later DS9 episode, it takes a fleet of 20 warships 1 hour of sustained bombardment to destroy a planets crust and 5 hours of sustained bombardment to destroy a planet down to its mantle. These 20 ships were also in service 100 years after the Enterprise so they were also more powerful.
Kirk has the distinction of being the only known captain to issue a [[Exterminatus|General Order 24]], because a planet was ''too'' much into wargames (he changed his mind after they dropped wargaming).
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==''The Animated Series''==
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The often forgotten middle child. More or less "seasons 4-5" of ''TOS'' with the same writing staff and actors, sans poor Walter Koenig. He was replaced by a weird camel person. He learned this at a convention, from a fan, while he was trying to announce he'd be writing an episode, which Gene promptly demanded he rewrite over and over. Classy.

Being animated allowed the staff to get a lot more creative with the alien designs and plots, and the writing and acting remain... well, top notch is a stretch, but certainly at the same levels as ''The Original Series'', with the occasional low point. Not ''nearly'' as bad as you're probably picturing from the name, although still limited by the low budget and primitive, cheap animation techniques of the television era it was aired in. Notably some sci-fi novelists were brought in to write some episodes, such as Larry Niven, and at least one episode, "Yesteryear," is considered such a pivotal moment in Spock's development that even people who hate the series enough to consider it all non-canon often make an exception just for that one.

Also, since the series now has no excuse for throwing in lots of Space Puritans and Space Wizards, it of course continued to do so to derptastic results, because by this point it had become traditional. The presence of a straight-up [[furry]] on the bridge, however, is downright unacceptable.
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==''The Next Generation''==
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Here's where it starts getting a little deeper and a little darker, although with a lot of left-wing political subtext turned up to 11. The USS ''Enterprise-D'' (the original and C were destroyed in action while A and B were retired) is, like its predecessor, tasked with going where no-one has gone before, but this time around the problems are less likely to be solved in a single episode. Jean-Luc Picard is the captain and he plots and negotiates his way to victory; Mr. Data is cold and unemotional, though not by choice - as an android, he'd very much like to change that; Riker takes over the captain's "sleep with alien babes" duties since Picard is married to the job; Worf the Klingon gets beaten up by monsters to show how tough the monsters are, meaning that Worf winds up looking incredibly weak by the end of the show's run and doesn't regain his badassery until his run on ''DS9''; Dr. Beverly Crusher is good old Bones minus his temper; Dr. Pulaski is Bones ''plus'' temper; Counsellor Troy is so badly written she becomes a running joke; and Geordi LaForge [[gets shit done]]. Only two things need to be said about helmsman Wesley Crusher: he was [[Mary Sue|Gene Wesley Roddenberry's shitty self-insert fanfic character]], and his sueness got to the point that even his actor started to hate him within the first season of the show.

Due to the massive success of The Original Series in syndication (and Paramount being [[Rage|pissed off]] by broadcast networks treating their most valuable IP like any other show), TNG was aired through syndication from the beginning. Although the first two seasons were laughably bad, the quality began to improve dramatically after an increasingly cocaine-addled Gene Roddenberry got too sick to keep ruining it and his partner-in-crime Maurice Hurley was thrown out on his ass, a moment often pinpointed via looking for when [[Meme|Riker grew a beard.]] The later seasons are widely considered to represent the apex of the franchise's episodic formula on the small screen (although ''DS9'' gave it a run for its money with a more serialized approach); sadly, this series only got one good movie.
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==''Deep Space Nine''==
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Unlike all the other series so far, ''Deep Space Nine'' primarily takes place in a fixed location - the titular space station Deep Space Nine, out near the borders of Federation Space. Said space station is near Bajor, which was recently freed from Cardassian occupation, and a wormhole to the other side of the galaxy which allows [[Warp|all sorts of of crazy shit to go down]]. If the other shows are a wagon train, this one's the border fort.

Benjamin Sisko is the captain, declared Emissary by the nearby Bajorans for making contact with the wormhole aliens they worship, and he successfully hybridizes the blow-the-shit-out-of-whatever-you-can't-punch Kirk approach with the talk-in-a-very-dignified-way-about-the-philosophy-of-the-thing-and-win-by-rhetoric Picard maneuver, in his ultimately-successful quest to become the baddest motherfucker in space, then literally becomes a space god. Kira the Bajoran ex-<s>terrorist</s> <S>''noble freedom fighter''</s> (who are we kidding she calls herself a terrorist) struggles to free and rebuild her people while coming to terms with the moral ambiguities of situations she prefers to see in black-and-white, Dr. Bashir works to find his character for several seasons before becoming a highlight, Dax gets often written poorly and has to switch bodies doing it, Odo IS ''Liquid Space Cop'', Quark runs his bar and [[troll|heckles]] the Federation, Garak pretends to be a tailor while definitely not being a super-spy and dropping killer lines, and Miles O'Brien [[gets shit done]]. Also, Worf wanders in halfway through, and actually gets to punch things instead of just getting punched by them. It's also a lot more political than other series (though ''TNG'' and ''Voyager'' have their moments) and the last series to have Gene Roddenberry's involvement (with less enthusiasm, in fact often much to the benefit of this particular series thematically, although Roddenberry's complete departure did not necessarily bode well for the franchise in general.)

It's the closest the pre-Kelvin series ever get to [[grimdark]]. Especially when the Dominion show up. With minimal grimderp that plague the later seasons and Kelvin era movies. The show has aged remarkably well and the terrorist/freedom fighter debate was repeatedly explored in a very mature and honest way. ''DS9'' is the most serialized of all Trek shows and could be considered a forerunner to the golden age of television with its long story arcs and deep character development. Overall, ''DS9'' has to be considered the most consistently good Trek show thanks to the excellent writing and fantastic performances from a truly wonderful ensemble cast. At least until the final season . . .

Which brings us to DS9 Skub. The show was airing around the same time as another thematically similar sci-fi show, ''Babylon 5''. Not only that but characters also shared similarities, as did the episodes especially as both shows became war stories later on. Interestingly, beginning of both series, introduction of characters and airing of similar episodes were often too close to each other for one show to copy the other but this did not stop massive [[Rage]] and [[/v/|fanboy wars]] from starting between fans of the two series accusing one another of plagiarism and having an inferior product. Happily, as time went on and both shows evolved, these hurt feelings have mostly faded.

There's also that last season. The earlier (good) writers had got pulled to try to make movies, which movies they'd failed at. The new writers also had to bring in a new Dax, Ezri, who was very different from Jadzia; and Ezri only got that one season to make her mark, which season she had to share with the Great Epic Conclusion (it's a miracle Ezri was as well received as she was, and a testament to Nicole de Boer's talent). Those finale episodes were mostly okay and tied up the story semi-satisfyingly, though a few die-hard subplots fell flat. The season, therefore, was shaky; not necessarily a harbinger for The Decline Of ''Trek'' to come, but at least inauspicious.

How good is ''Deep Space Nine''? Every Star Trek series and even the reboot movies have pretty much ripped off ideas and concepts established during the series. Famously, within the "Trekker/Trekie" fan community, there's a little cell of fans who like it better than most other ''Star Trek''; these fans are typically called "Niners."
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==''Voyager''==
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Star Trek: Voyager centers around the eponymous USS ''Voyager'', a smallish ship which gets teleported over to the other side of the galaxy. The plot of the series centers on the crew's efforts to get back home, which COULD have made for an excellent premise. Unfortunately, there were few lasting story arcs, with most episodes being fully self-contained (as well as being littered with far too many episodes featuring holodeck or transporter incidents). As a consequence, despite being completely isolated from the Federation, no matter how bad things got Voyager always appeared in the next episode without a scratch, fully supplied, and with all its shuttlecraft intact. Think ''Gilligan's Island'' on a starship.

Like ''TNG'' and ''DS9'' it's a character-driven drama just as often as it is a sci-fi adventure romp, although compared to TNG only a few of the characters are particularly memorable. The captain and arguable "main character" is Kathryn Janeway, a Katharine Hepburn lookalike (I see what you did there) who is stern without being cold, and principled without being inflexible. The fan favorite is a character called "The Doctor" ([[Doctor Who|No relation]]); he's the solid-light hologram representative of the ship's emergency medical computer, who has to take on actual medical duties when their chief medical officer was conveniently killed in the pilot episode. Other than this, Chakotay is a peace-loving and spiritually rich indian <s>freedom fighter</s> <s>terrorist</s> [[FAIL|who was written with the help of a special cherokee consultant so native his name was Jamake Highwater and it turned out later on that he was actually jewish and didn't know dick about native cultures so he made everything up resulting in Chakotay basically being a borderline racist caricature of what you think indians are like. Akoochimoya.]] Tom Paris is an annoying jerk and is counterbalanced by Harry Kim who is the ideal boy-scout, making him only half as annoying and twice as boring. B'elanna Torres tries to perpetuate a lineage of dudes getting shit done but ends up blankly reciting her technobabble, having second degree plasma burns and – worst of all – systematically fails to get shit done whenever the warp core goes nuts. Tuvok tries hard to be as cool as Spock but ends up being a lame version of the n°1 Vulcan who uses logic to justify everything and makes it short for "you are wrong, I am right because I said so." Kes is passed as a fragile and nice character but it takes a couple of episodes to realize that having a short lifespan does not change the facts: [[powergamer|when you can boil someone to death from the inside of their body, drain life from everything around you to become stronger and do anything you want without knowing how, just by thinking of it]], you are a goddamn Mary Sue. From the fourth season onwards the only character the writers seemed to care about was Seven of Nine, [[Mary Sue|a human woman who recently escaped from Borg control and kept all of her cyborg enhancements but regained her free will]]; another Mary Sue, to be sure, but she's [[Hot Chicks|hot]], and the other characters are much worse, so that's not really a bad thing. Fortunately, The Doctor still received a lot of attention from the writers and almost single-handedly made the show watchable. There was also Neelix, who was the apparent inspiration for Jar-Jar Binks, and any sane crew would have pushed him out of an airlock on the first episode. Fans who stuck with the show despite its glaring failings were given one final slap in the face with the <s>controversial</s> shit final season, in which the producers decided "screw steadily crafting a satisfying conclusion to a story which we have wasted for most of the last seven years anyway; lets just ignore it until the final episode and then throw in some shit about trans-warp conduits and time travel, bitches love time travel!" If you did not care about any of the characters or the subplots or time travel making sense (the writers sure didn't), then the final episode was made just for you (and the Borg got a major setback, too, just don't think about the setup too hard).

The Doctor never once stopped being totally fucking awesome though (enough so to even earn a cameo in First Contact), and the great acting from the cast carries the series from being horrific to ''occasionally'' watchable. Just goes to show that no matter how good your actors are, they can't make diamonds out of shit.

Overall, most Star Trek fans view Voyager's legacy with a shrug and a "meh." Unfortunately, hopes that Voyager's successor would revitalize the franchise would soon prove to be overly optimistic.

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==''Enterprise''==
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From the minute the Nickelback-tier theme tune started, Enterprise attempted to take Star Trek in a new direction and was only partially successful in doing so. The series never quite caught its footing, although it still managed to have some enjoyable moments. It was most notable for providing a first-hand view of the key events that directly led to the formation of the Federation. The Federation's founding races were also featured heavily, with Andorians, Tellarites, and Vulcans all enjoying significant screen time alongside the human characters.

It's a prequel to the rest of the canon, taking place on the first ''Enterprise'', before the Federation was founded and during the period when Earth was still an independent power- so there's a lot of primitive versions of things from other series. At least the uniforms were pretty cool in an Air Force sort of way. Captained by <s>that guy from ''Quantum Leap''</s> Jonathan Archer, in hindsight the fact that they had to rename him from their original choice of Jeffrey Archer to avoid confusion with the disgraced British MP and author of the same name probably cursed the series with bad karma before it had even begun shooting. In an unusual twist for a ''Trek'' series, his first officer isn't a <s>terrorist</s> ''noble freedom fighter,'' however she does share a trait with her ''Voyager'' predecessor in that the actress who portrayed her frequently criticized the show's writers in interviews. Other than that, well, Hoshi Sato screams a lot, Travis Mayweather was so dull that even the writers forgot he existed, the resident Vulcan T'Pol serves as both the Science Officer and source of sexy fanservice, Malcolm Reed has an accent, Dr Phlox is a weird creepy alien with weird creepy alien morals (and gets surprisingly interesting when given enough screentime, which hardly ever happened), and Trip also has an accent and [[gets shit done]].

Was retooled twice, the third season tries to be ''24'' IN SPACE (stop some aliens, the Xindi, from blowing up Earth) while the 4th season is a massive apology about the last three seasons that tries to fix all the problems they had. As a result, the last season is the only one that's close to being really good.

Unfortunately, the poorly-received final episode is set on the holodeck of the Enterprise-D, which leaves us with the firm impression that the producers would have much rather have just continued making ''The Next Generation''. Considering the mediocre quality of the ''TNG'' movies we got instead, this probably would have worked out better for all involved (Or not since ''Voyager'' was that; its first episode was even numbered 901, as in Season 9 Episode 1).

Yet despite all the bad directing, subpar plots, and frankly boring episodes, ''Enterprise'' sometimes still manages to be moderately enjoyable with occasional moments of awesomeness if you can suffer through a fair few awful spots and aggressive mediocrity almost everywhere else. The focus on founding Federation races like the Andorans was refreshing and the technology level, being somewhere between the original series and the real world present-day, was quite interesting. We also got to see the Vulcans portrayed as arrogant, superior dicks. This actually makes a lot more sense than the way they're usually portrayed (which is fairly submissive towards humans) because they are, obviously and objectively, the superior race. The Klingons certainly still considered themselves to be honorable but the show made it clear that the Klingon notion of honor is rarely analogous to the human concept which was interesting as all hell to watch. There have been a few small nods to Enterprise in Discovery and the Abrams movies.

And let's be fucking honest, [[/tg/]] loves 40k and the Xindi arc was about as grimdark as shit gets. And that was awesome.

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==STD aka ''Discovery''==
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----
<s>A LOAD OF SOCIAL JUSTICE SHIT!</s> Ahem, let's start again, shall we?

A new "prequel" series set 10 years before ''The Original Series.'' Again. Run exclusively on CBS' paid streaming service (unless you live outside the US and Canada, in which case you can get it on Netflix) to try and drum up sign-ups and revenue, it features a mix of ''Enterprise'' and Abramstrek aesthetics despite supposedly taking place in parallel to the TOS "The Cage" pilot while [[what|having technology superior to late DS9]] and introducing [[dune|mushroom-based space travel]] that would imply [[retcon|all later events and warp travel would be outdated]]. The trailer has attracted a lot of concern over the fact that Klingons have been completely redesigned to look like slit-nosed ogres wearing ancient Egyptian cosplay, and rumors that the Klingons shown were [[Racial Holy War|primitives who had been trapped in stasis]] proved to be unfounded, so there is no excuse. Not having a cold war to posture about, the new villains are based off of Trump-inspired xenophobia by the admission of the authors. Also the lead character is Spock's human sister that he never mentioned before, aka the ''exact'' origin of the [[Mary Sue]] which is just fucking depressing. To further reinforce this, there are ''numerous'' examples of dialogue and exposition that serve only to show how the Mary Sue main character was right all along, usually in conjunction with the death of the character that had foolishly disagreed with her. Want a new Star Trek episode about racism and immigration? Try the now-banned [https://youtu.be/3VEZH8bqytA Star Trek Continues]. Want Star Trek with humor, we suppose: ''Star Trek: Lower Decks'', below. Oh! want a pseudo-Star Trek show about other modern issues? Try ''[[The Orville]]''. That's right, American Dad In Space <strike>may right now be</strike> is a better Star Trek than an actual Star Trek series.

Initial reviews have been... well, never mind the 2017-era soy-guzzling critics. STD is as much fun as an outbreak of you-know-what. Mostly. There ''are'' exceptions.

The writing is overly convoluted, the massive injection of grimdark into pre-TOS continuity is anathema to the hardcore fans (the ''human'' characters are often the ones doing the nastiest shit, including [[Marines Malevolent|trying to kill a Klingon party by planting an explosive on the corpse of one of their comrades for when they came to collect the dead]]) and the Klingons are so flat and devoid of characterization that they might as well be Larry the Cable Guy lookalikes wearing Trump hats. This is a massive disappointment for a series that promised to put a spotlight on Klingon culture but ended up retconning all the characterization that happened in TNG and DS9. It ''may'' get better with time (remember that it took two seasons for TNG to get really good) but given the release schedule (split between 2017 and 2018 with a long break) it may come too late for the fanbase to care. Currently it's cause for more fans to lose their shit over whether it's better or worse than the Abrams movies, which is a new record of [[Skub|Trek Skub]]. Releasing the show on CBS All Access instead of cable or broadcast TV makes it seem that executives don't really give a shit if the show succeeds or fails, bringing up the question of [[Bioware|whether they're deliberately putting Star Trek: Discovery in a no-win scenario where, no matter what happens, the executives have an excuse to cancel Star Trek altogether]].

Another stupid decision was not shelling out the cash to bring back Bruce Greenwood and Zachary Quinto as Captain Pike and Spock, respectively. Their ages wouldn't have mattered either if CBS and Paramount weren't too cheap to use the anti-aging CGI tech that is so commonplace these days. Hell, Star Trek makeup artists are among the best in the entertainment business. So they could have pulled it off with applying the bare minimum, and we probably still wouldn't have noticed.

There were also allegations that large chunks of the plot were stolen from previews of an in-development indie game. The unreleased 2014 game featured giant Tardigrades that had the ability to use an interstellar network to travel anywhere they wanted to- sound familiar?

We must however give credit where credit is due. Season 1's fifth episode "Choose Your Pain" starred Rainn Wilson as a younger Harcourt Fenton Mudd, and this was a surprising treat. Season 2 also featured Anson Mount as Captain Pike, whose addition to the cast was nothing short of a revelation. Indeed, Pike's character was by far the most well-received aspect of that season.

Unfortunately, while Season 2 had some watchable moments, it was still middling at best, and nobody is ''ever'' going to let this series live down the garbage fire that was Season 1. If you do decide to watch Season 2, try not to think about it too hard once you are done. It gets worse and worse the more you think about it as you can and will come to realize that {{spoiler|the overarching plot hinges on time-travel but because the writing and production staff kept being shuffled, no one kept continuity so some of the hints of future actions or "red lights" are just forgotten about, some time-travel is done just to set up another event to make it possible for that same time-travel to happen. Think Bill and Ted, except lame and very confusing. Season 2 is an okay show if you look at the state-of-the-art visuals, let the big emotional moments grip you, but if you stop for a second and think about the continuity of events, you push yourself on a slippery slope that ends in not being able to ever trust the showrunning staff again.}}

Season 3 sees the Discovery transported far into the future, one in which the Federation itself has fallen apart due to the mysterios disappearance of the Dilithium required for Warp Travel.
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==''<strike>Retard</strike>Picard''==
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Set to be a continuation of the original timeline, featuring old man Picard with Patrick Stewart reprising the role. Hopes are not high, but at the very least Patrick Stewart's presence should make it watchable if nothing else.

Update: It's bad. So, so bad.

The story so far: Picard ragequit Starfleet after they sat back and let the Romulans get blown up by the supernova mentioned in the first Abrams movie. This happened because some rogue androids orbitally bombarded Mars and blew up the rescue fleet that was being built there, so the Federation has banned all R&D on synthetic lifeforms and subsequently become [[Imperium of Man|isolationist, racist and xenophobic]] (does this remind you of anything?). Picard has been living in his family chateau ever since, making wine and hanging out with his dog and his Romulan housekeepers. Then a scared girl named Dahj turns up on his doorstep, and it turns out she's a highly advanced biological android constructed from the surviving bits of Data's positronic brain by the guy who wanted to dismantle Data in that episode "The Measure of a Man." Before Picard can really figure out what to do about her, she gets killed by a secret society of Luddite anti-Android Romulan assholes, but it turns it that's okay because she has a twin "sister" named Soji who is working with some other Romulans on a derelict Borg cube. Picard decides it's time to saddle up and go be a hero again. He starts putting together a crew that includes Agnes Jurati, a former cyberneticist; Raffi Musiker, his last executive officer, [[What|who is now an alcoholic drug-vaping hermit]] after getting kicked out of Starfleet; Cristobal Rios, a scruffy merc pilot whose ship is staffed entirely by holograms of himself; Elnor, a Romulan warrior monk raised by Romulan warrior nuns; and Seven of Nine, who has become a kickass pilot and is no longer wearing her infamous catsuit. Together, they're out to save Soji, stop the Romulans, and be the good guys in a galaxy that needs heroes, etc etc.

Key storytelling criticisms of the show include the idea that the Romulan Empire should have had enough infrastructure to effect an evacuation without help, and that even if they didn't, the Federation would ''never'' abandon a neighbor who was asking for help- not even a former enemy, and not even when doing so became difficult or inconvenient. Another issue comes up when the show reveals that the Borg have assimilated transgalactic teleporters from a throwaway alien race that appeared in an early episode of ''Voyager'', but only for the Borg queen to use in case the cube she's on is about to be blown up, which begs the question of ''why in the hell aren't they using them to overwhelm the Federation's defenses with drone spam and assimilate everything?''

To make matters even more dumb and yet also more complicated at the same time, the showrunners are apparently under some kind of licensing agreement regarding the portrayal of images and concepts from the earlier shows. This means that they can't, for example, casually mention the Dominion War and its impact on the Federation, because if they did, they'd have to pay a licensing fee. This is why the show has been carefully crafted to look like a distant, derpy cousin of Star Trek, while only occasionally featuring cameos of things such as the Enterprise-D, or directly referencing arcs in previous shows: because if they use concepts from prior Star Trek shows, they have to pay for them.

Finally, when all has been said and done by the end of Season 1, Picard himself is reduced to a nearly-useless side character in his own show. Where once he commanded the admiration and respect of friends and foes alike, in this show he is consistently portrayed as a disrespected, disregarded, and often powerless caricature of himself, utterly reliant on the characters around him. {{spoiler|It doesn't help they legit kill him in the last episode and then made him an android after he also agreed to "kill" Data whose memories are basically in a server on a planet of Soong androids. The showrunners specifically came out and said their plan was always to kill Picard to make a point about how privileged he was being a captain in Starfleet. You can't make this shit up.}}

One other thing is certain. Whether you like the series or not, it's clear that this series is not taking place in Gene Roddenberry's noblebright vision of the Federation, and the fact that it is yet another grim, violent entry into the franchise is a point that has left many viewers with a bad aftertaste. If the rumors are true, then this show may have either killed the current grimderp Trek or has left fans so pissed that CBS is, once again, on the verge of financial ruin and possibly looking to sell the franchise since they aren't making the money they thought they would after the massive amounts of money they dumped into both this and Discovery.

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==''Strange New Worlds''==
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An attempt to put the golden goose back together on the operating table. After seeing the reception of having Captain Pike in Discovery, Paramount decided to simply return to the pilot cast of The Original Series with its fingers crossed that the old bird will resume replicating gold eggs.

NOTE: It may or may not actually come to light as rumors are leaking out that CBS has been pitching this, a Section 31 show and several other show ideas to try and get funding after failing to actually make money from their streaming service and dumping millions into Discovery and Picard with little return in way of merchandising money. It seems CBS and Paramount suits are desperate for their own version of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. (What Warner Bros. failed to do with their DC movies) While having little to no understanding of what makes both it and Star Trek popular in the first place.

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==''Lower Decks''==
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Mike McMahan did this one, him wot does the Rick & Morty cartoon. It's set in 2380 on the ''Cerritos'', concentrating (like the TNG episode of that name) on the grunts working in the bowels of the ship. The main characters are ensigns and low-level lieutenants: there's Tendi the Orion female, there's a cyborg, and the rebellious and irritating daughter of the captain. They are all the bane of the white boy's existence, the Starfleet straight-man.

Fans feared this would focus on lowbrow "humor" episodes with technobabble nonsense stapled to it just like McMahan's other works. And they were right, although the technobabble is here honestly ''less'' annoying than in mainline Trek, on account it's not taken seriously.

The fans weren't won over by the August 2020 pilot ep, with the manic energy of Rick & Morty, directed at kicking the shins of the franchise it has in its name.

As the first season progressed consensus warmed up a bit. Lower Decks is not as unwatchably bad as Discovery or Picard. While it does ooze millennial snark, it's greater sin (or virtue) is that it's completely irreverent. It's not that the writers don't know of Roddenberry's [[noblebright]] ideals, they just believe that ideal won't survive contact with reality (remember the conversations between Julien Bashir and Elim Garak?). Enjoying Lower Decks means accepting the likely reality that a few decks below all of Picard's noblebright ready room monologues there were hundreds of ignoble, corner-cutting crewmen who just want to get to the end of their shift.
[[File:Star_Trek_Lower_Decks.jpg|400px|right]]
The most-justified complaint against Lower Decks so far is that it can come off as mean and sarcastic, making low blows against Star Trek for the sake of a joke. High points are moving the plot forwards with Bajorans in Starfleet proper and the Pakleds, originally a joke of a species (in 2365), are now a serious threat that can take on weaker Federation ships and win (in 2380). It also has the first on screen appearance of the USS Titan. John de Lancie reprises Q, last seen in Voyager and now infamous throughout Starfleet as an unwelcome menace. Among all but the most whiny of fans, Lower Decks is at least considered better than the first two seasons of STD and Picard with a better understanding of what Star Trek is than either.

It's a show that directly appeals to people who loved Star Trek but now believe Star Trek is dead Jim.
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= Films =
We're putting these at the end in the (unlikely) event someone does a movie that's in the non-Abrams canon ever. As a general rule, the even-numbered ones aren't complete shit.

* '''''Star Trek: The Motion Picture''''': AKA: The Slow Motion Picture, or the Motionless Picture. A giant space whatsit is flying towards Earth, the mostly-retired crew has to go figure out what's going on and stop it. Old school sci-fi geeks like the ideas, but terrible pace and interminable special effects that were clearly meant to capitalize on ''2001: A Space Odyssey'' while failing to understand what people like about that movie kill them dead for everyone else. Besides the uniform worn by Kirk, the uniforms also look like pajamas. So no wonder they were changed only a movie later. Features an entirely bald female alien who is [[What|so good at sex that she has to swear an oath not to get it on with the crew]]. Really. This is canon.
* '''''Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan''''': As Kirk starts to feel his age, a one-off villain from the show played by Ricardo "Corinthian Leather" Montalban makes a dramatic reappearance: [[Meme|KKKHHHAAAAAAAAAAAANNNN!!!!]] Widely considered the best of all the films, and the only one considered a straight up great film, no qualifiers. If you haven't seen it, see it. So good many later movies in the franchise just try to rip it off instead of finding their own identities. Interesting fact: due to time constraints, actors of Kirk and Khan weren't available at the same time. So the entire script was written so that Kirk and Khan never need to meet face-to-face. But you'd never notice if it weren't pointed out to you. Roddenberry screeched autistically and objected to some of the actions of his characters, including Kirk shooting a [[Enslavers|brain eating space parasite]] rather than "[[Noblebright|keeping it for study]]." The fact that his strongest objections came to the most [[win]] of the films says a great deal about his deprecating value to the franchise around the TNG era.
* '''''Star Trek III: The Search for Spock''''': Where is Spock? ''He's on Genesis.'' ALL AHEAD FULL! Not really bad, just mediocre and run of the mill compared to the superior films that surround it. It was also saddled with the misfortune of undoing some of the previous film's more-daring decisions, and having its only daring decision reversed a film later. If you had to say that any film broke the "odd numbers suck" rule, it would be this one. This was Leonard Nimoy's first attempt at directing a full film, having asked for the seat in exchange for agreeing to play Spock again.
* '''''Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home''''': The crew of the ''Enterprise'' travels back in time to save the whales. No, literally and unironically. Scott tries to talk to a computer through the mouse, Spock nerve-pinches a punk on a bus in San Francisco, and somehow it works, creating something perhaps not quite in the genre intended but a classic in sci-fi dramedy. ''The Voyage Home'' is a zany comedy romp beloved by the general public and fandom alike, leaving only the most intractable fanbois to bitch and moan. Nimoy directed this one too but there was a contract stipulation that Shatner would get whatever Nimoy got, thus leading to...
* '''''Star Trek V: The Final Frontier''''': aka. the film that should never have been made, even by many die-hard Trekkies. Kirk's actor got his spin behind the camera as agreed and wanted a "thought-provoking movie" after the more comical IV. Good intention, but the abysmal execution leaves the audience facepalming at the very best. Between the weak script, the 'moral' of the story ('faith can be abused by unscrupulous people', for the record) delivered with all the subtlety of a punch to the face, poor (or deliberately campy) special effects, uninspired performances by the actors (who for the most part didn't like the script as it had them behave against everything that had come before and betray Kirk) and Kirk's screentime-hogging (despite being behind the camera); this movie is by far the absolute worst of the original six and simply not worth watching... but it's just dumb and hapless, not dead and soulless like what's to follow from other crews.
* '''''Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country''''': The Space Cold War ends amidst searing mystery and drama. The sendoff for the original cast, except Kirk who got a worse send-off a movie later. Gene Roddenberry watched it, hated it, and was going to seek legal advice but died a week later. And good riddance to that, because it's a pretty sweet political thriller if your hippie-panties don't get into a twist at the thought that the Federation isn't a perfect place full of perfect people. Press F for Christopher Plummer, second best ham in ''Trek'' history.
* '''''Star Trek Generations''''': Malcolm McDowell blows up planets to get into a magic space ribbon to live forever, no it does not make any more sense in context. An already-weak story hamstrung by its obsession with being daring and unconventional rather than good (aside from the bit where Worf gets promoted, that was great). Also, Kirk dies on the bridge in the most face-palming manner possible. Nimoy was offered the Director's chair, took one look at the script and demanded a rewrite which didn't happen so he refused to be involved.
* '''''Star Trek First Contact''''': The ''TNG'' crew face off with the Borg to ensure the future happens. Lots of action, a script that sparks with energy and snark, and some quite effective performances make this the only good ''TNG'' movie (we don't blame you TNG cast). It sadly is also the only appearance of the Defiant on screen, doing a pretty decent job of fighting the Borg before the Enterprise E saves the day of course. The Borg Queen was also introduced here before Voyager ruined what could have been a good idea.
* '''''Star Trek Insurrection''''': If you thought the [[Avatar|Na'vi]] were a bunch of badly-written [[Mary Sue]]s, you ain't seen nothing yet! B-b-b-baby you ain't seen n-n-n-nothing yet! Also, Riker shaves his beard, and that's basically a war crime. Aged from terrible to forgettably bad thanks to that one scene of Picard and Data singing ''HMS Pinafore'' going memetic.
* '''''Star Trek Nemesis''''': The last stand of the ''TNG'' cast, ending not with a bang but a whimper. It also required amending the even=good/odd=bad rule to "''Galaxy Quest'' counts as a ''Star Trek'' film so this one is also odd."
* '''''Star Trek''''' (2009): Alternate timeline "reboot" (sideboot?) with the original crew, albeit with new younger actors. Timey-wimey shit happens and old prime timeline Spock (reprised by old Leonard Nemoy) is hurled back in time along with a bunch of Romulan assholes. The dickbag Romulans begin fucking shit up, slightly altering history in a way that ensures gratuitous lens flare. [[skub| Skubtastic]], but at least fun to watch (if a literally gleaming, uncomplicated space action-adventure that doesn't delve deeply into the human condition ala II or deeply into idiocy ala V/Generations/Insurrection spells "fun" to you), which is more than ''most'' odd-numbered films can muster. If you still even count it as odd, without the ''Galaxy Quest''-amendment.
* '''''Star Trek Into Darkness''''': Some [[edgy]] [[Fail|shit]]. The second of the alternate timeline ''Trek'' films. Terrorism, conspiracy and flapdoodle. Even more skubtastic, but generally considered worse than its predecessor, partially because (like ''Nemesis'') it tries to be a remake of ''The Wrath of Khan'' and having Kirk at his most punchable.
* '''''Star Trek Beyond''''': Didn't totally suck; graded on a curve against the prior two. So - the good / bad / skub. Good: lots of good character stuff for the entire cast and a decent story revolving around a race of mysterious space pirates trying to conquer a colony; handles IRL death of Leonard Nimoy excellently. Bad: villains are under-written, the action photography is poorly-lit shaky-cam horseshit, and the sound work is awful. Skub: Takei came out to complain that its Sulu was gay-married, since he'd played Sulu straight himself, so gay-Sulu was - Takei complained - an insult to his acting prowess (but: alternate universe, remember). If it's the last "Kelvin Timeline" movie, as it seems it will be, at least it ended on a note that wasn't total turd.

= Novels =
Like most long time franchises ''Star Trek'' has a massive line of books.

Most are effectively fanfics as nothing but the show and the movies is canon so the writers can do whatever they want. Partial exception to be made for the ''Deep Space Nine'' line; those are considered the "eighth season", justifiably, because they're actually quite good. Start with Andrew "Garak" Robinson's ''Stitch in Time''.

This changed after ''Nemesis'' since that movie was so godawful the producers calculated they might never have another show or movie in the "Prime" universe; also, several ''DS9'' actors started dropping off dead (so their fans never did get their kino). The writers got their shit together and wrote a group of books as a tight community very close to the shows. The relaunch novels are a continuation of the show they're about. Also there's the ''Titan'' book series which is about Riker and Troi getting their own ship, which happens to be staffed by every race in the Federation including living rocks, [[awesome|space dinosaurs]] that smell like [[meatbread|toast]] and a [[what|space cyborg ostrich]].

During yet another novel continuity (Star Trek: Destiny), the Borg go nuts and eat Pluto... yeah... and then they finally get sick of the Federation somehow managing to not get assimilated all the time, so they finally just send every last cube they have with orders to Exterminatus the absolute SHIT out of the entire Alpha Quadrant. Pretty much every important character from TNG, DS9, and Voyager has to team up to stop them, and even then the Federation still gets its shit kicked in and winds up having to rely on a vaguely ridiculous deus ex machina to win, and [[Grimdark|billions of people still die and dozens of planets are blown to shit]]. It was pretty insane.

Then all the Federation's main enemies get together to form an anti-Federation and start poking the bear, all the while telling their allies that they're somehow warmongering dicks, Section 31 gets its cover blown in a big way, and Riker gets promoted to Admiral. Also, a lot of the newer TNG novels have been devoted to following up on one-shot aliens from the show, like the guys that sent out the probe that made Barclay super-smart and those fish monks that were abducting crewmembers for experiments. Now that the Picard show is coming out, though, this will all presumably be chucked in the dustbin.

Picard show came. Dustbin.

= Video Games =
Again, you're in /tg/, so /v/ comes LAST.

There have been over 100 Star Trek video games to date but you'll be lucky for find more than 6 on Steam or GOG that aren't shitty mobile phone games. The vast, vast majority of Star Trek's games are abandonware with no way to purchase them, let alone get them from completely trustable sources. Also for a long time gamers had the (justified) prejudice that ''Trek'' games were shit and ''Wars'' games were good. This changed a bit after ''Elite Force'' redeemed ''Trek'' a bit and more so on the other end after EA ran ''Wars'' to the ground.

== Star Trek Online ==
''Star Trek Online'' is the free-to-play online game built by Cryptic Studios and run by Perfect World. With an official license CBS, recurring characters voiced by various Trek alumni, and recently a license to include references to the reboot chronology (officially known as the "Kelvin Timeline"), it's the closest existing thing to an "official" continuation of the "Prime" timeline, and contains history and fluff extending nearly 40 years from the end of Star Trek: Nemesis.

Taking place in the 25th century (around the year 2409-2410), the Hobus supernova (the event that kicked Nero and Spock into the past during Star Trek 2009) has devastated the Romulans, and its near-collapse and fragmentation causes tensions between a resurgent Klingon Empire and the Federation. The tensions blow up into a war, with members of a new, nicer, breakaway Romulan Republic playing both sides in exchange for development aid.

The game contains deep cuts from all over Trek lore, and answers questions about what happened to various key characters, including Data (took over the Enterprise-E, then retired), the Enterprise (now an even bigger ship run by Andorian captain Shon), and the Voyager crew (it took Harry Kim 30 years to make Captain lol). Raises barely-shown, unnamed, and otherwise obscure races to new prominence as big bad foes, including the Iconians (ancient aliens with god complexes who mutated into energy beings, currently live in dyson spheres and were only defeated by predestination paradox), Tzenkethi (4-armed halo guys whose weak points are the FRONT of their shields), and Na'kuhl (the alien nazis from Enterprise as time-traveling terrorists who blame the Federation for a throwaway event that happened in TNG's beach episode).

Ostensibly free to play, but don't let that fool you... the ''not-so-micro''transactions are the only reason the lights stay on.

== Elite Force ==
There was an "Away Team" game that sucked and a "Voyager" game 1995-7 that got canceled. ''Elite Force'' was the ST:VOY away-team FPS game that critics didn't poop on, and it even got a sequel featuring much of the cast of ''TNG''.

== Starfleet Command ==

''Starfleet Command'' was a series real time space battle games by Interplay based on the much older tabletop game Star Fleet Battles. It came out in 1999 and was followed by several sequels and expansions. Gameplay was much like ''Battlefleet Gothic'', but with the player only controlling one ship. SFC remains Interplay's best selling game, topping even ''Baldur's Gate''.

== Armada ==

A series of low effort RTS's churned out by Activision in 2000. Tried to take on both ''Homeworld'' and ''Age of Empires'', both of which have recently gotten HD remakes and ''Armada'' hasn't so that should tell you all you need to know. However, for one of the first 3D model space RTS's it was surprisingly easy to mod, resulting in many ship mod packs being made for it.

=NonCanon=
== Homages ==
Being such a long-running franchise with a wide audience, Star Trek has gained enough pop-culture recognition that it is often referenced in other works. In a few cases entire projects are made to pay homage to Star Trek. Here are some examples.

=== Galaxy Quest ===
A sci-fi/comedy film released in 1999, directed by Dean Parisot. Built around that ''Three Amigos'' premise of "What if the cast of ''Star Trek'' ended up on a real spaceship and had to actually do the shit they did in the show?", this one parodies science fiction films and series in general - ''Star Trek'' (and its fandom) in particular.

The film stars big name actors including Tim Allen, Sigourney Weaver and the late Alan Rickman. The plot revolves around the cast of a defunct cult television series called Galaxy Quest (for example, Tim Allen played the Kirk/Shatner expy and Alan Rickman played the Spock/Nimoy expy). They're also suffering fatigue that mirrors the experiences of the actual Star Trek actors (Rickman's character is typecast with his Galaxy Quest character and laments it, similar to how these things happened to the late, great Leonard Nimoy).

The cast are suddenly visited by actual aliens, the Thermians, who believe the series to be an accurate documentary (they have no concept of fiction and only the most bare bones idea of lying) and seek their help. The Thermians take the actors with them, who find themselves involved in a very real, and dangerous, intergalactic conflict, and unlike the show where it all wrapped up quickly they struggle to learn about and relate to the aliens. Can these actors find greatness within themselves, and possibly personal redemption? (Spoiler: yes, and it is incredible.)

Speaking of the aliens, in a witty nod to the "rubber forehead aliens" so common in Star Trek, the Thermians first appear to resemble humans with unnaturally pale skin and straight hair, but that's revealed to be a holographic disguise and their true forms are squid-like.

/tg/ deems this one of the best parodies ever made, and an affectionate love-letter to the franchise as a whole. If you disagree then feel free to consume a big bag of Saurian Swinoid dongs.

=== The Orville ===
Now has [[The Orville|its own page]].

==Fanfics==
We ''could'' point you to An Archive Of Our Own but, for those (few) of you not keen to watch Kirk and Spock probe Uranus, here are some of the better noncanonical Trek you might want to watch.

===Star Trek: Renegades===
Kickstarter Trek. The makers submitted their made-for-TV movie pilot to CBS in an attempt to get it made into a legit on-the-air series (and by god it shows), but they were not successful. As a result, while the project limped along for a few years afterward, it has good and bad in equal measure. As a non-official product it also cannot be considered canon. Some characters are actually interesting (about time we saw more of the Breen!) while others are pure Mary Sues (including a male Seven of Nine with a built-in Borg-gun/personal shield/fully-functional hand). Some of the ideas are interesting while others are boring or already-been-done. The CGI is all Hollywood-quality, but the practical effects are okay at best.
It's obvious that they made this without knowing that they were going to be able to make a TV show or not, and tried to cram the sort of build-up and intrigue we saw in DS9 into a span of 90 minutes. For now though, it's decidedly meh, and probably a dead project as well since it hasn't been mentioned on the maker's website in over a year as of late 2019.

===Star Trek Continues===
Of all the offerings listed here, Star Trek Continues is BY FAR the closest in theme and tone to the original 1960's series. Indeed, this is the whole point: from its inception, this fan-funded project was intended to represent a what-if "4th Season" of the Original Series, ending with the conclusion of the Enterprise's 5-year mission. It is surprisingly and at times ''delightfully'' watchable, with strong stories, consequences and arcs that carry over to later episodes, tons of attention to detail, unexpected cameos, and a cast that really came together, particularly in later episodes. It also delicately navigated a line between viewing female characters through the lens of a show that was rooted in 1960's culture while also not treating them as weak children dependent on men for protection. Star Trek Continues successfully concluded its "season" with all 11 episodes gradually released from 2014 to 2018, to heaps of industry awards and wide praise (including a personal endorsement from Gene Roddenberry's son, who said his father would've approved).

==Parodies==
===Futurama===
Matt Groening, that mad lad, got almost all the original actors in a ''Futurama'' episode to [re-]enact a ''Trek'' episode on behalf of an alien fan. But not Doohan, so "Scotty" is replaced by "Welshie". Who gets horribly killed and has his corpse zapped whenever the alien loses his temper.

===Star Wreck: In the Pirkinning===
Another parody, parodying not only ''Star Trek'' but ''Babylon 5'' as well. The seventh in a series fan movies released in 2005, it's about Captain Pirk builds a starship called CPP ''Kickstart'', allies with Russia and takes over the world. He wants to take over more planets but the ships of his P-Fleet aren't fast enough to travel outside the Solar system. A maggot hole opens and it leads to an alternate reality. Pirk wants to take over the Earth of this reality, which leads to an [[awesome]] space battle between the P-Fleet and the fleet of the space station Babel 13 led by Johnny Sherrypie. The movie features some of the best special effects ever put in a sci-fi movie, which is pretty impressive, considering that this is an amateur film with a very low budget and was rendered in five years in someone's bedroom. The film is spoken in Finnish but subtitles are available for a wide variety of languages, including Klingon. They also made [https://web.archive.org/web/20070828010927/http://rpg.starwreck.com/ a role-playing game based on it], where your character [[Truenamer|becomes more incompetent]] [[Page 42|as he levels up]].

= Would you like to know more? =
And oh Lordy, is there more...
*[http://en.memory-alpha.org/wiki/ Main Memory Alpha: A ''Star Trek'' wiki]
*[http://memory-beta.wikia.com/wiki/ Main Memory Beta: The flip-side of Memory Alpha for the less than official stuff]
*[http://sfdebris.com/ SF Debris: opinionated episode reviews, has some non ''Trek'' stuff as well]

[[Category: Television]]

Tank

2021-05-02T10:28:01Z

2A02:1811:5185:DD00:4437:1569:764C:54A3: Rewrote/rearranged some of the info for better readability

''Were you looking for the MMO role that gets applied to tabletop games? If so, we have that under [[Combat roles]]''

{{Topquote|'' Remember Comrades, we are tank!''
<br>''They take out treads, we are artillery!''
<br>''They take out main gun, we are pillbox!''
<br>''They take out machine gun, we are bunker!''
<br>''They take out armor, we are heroes!''
|A popular internet copypasta about a tank's various roles in a nutshell}}

[[image:Char_FT-17.jpg|thumb|300px|right|A French Renault FT-17 Tank, the first tank to have the rough layout that would be the norm for tanks (Crew in the front, top mounted 360 degree turret for main gun, engine in back)]]

A '''tank''' is a tracked, armored combat vehicle. The term is often limited to vehicles intended for direct combat, (e.g. as opposed to self-propelled artillery, which stay to the rear) or armored personnel carriers and infantry fighting vehicles, which are on the front line but are primarily tasked with carrying soldiers as opposed to fighting directly, and may not necessarily be tracked. Their invention revolutionized warfare in the 20th century, and any wargame set in or after that time period, or in alternate universes with similar or more advanced technology levels, will have plenty of attention devoted to them -- or to whatever made them obsolete (e.g. [[BattleTech]]).

The idea of an armored fighting vehicle dates back at least to [[wikipedia:Leonardo's fighting vehicle|Leonardo da Vinci]] and was explored by [[H. G. Wells]] and a few theorists, but the modern tank was proposed shortly before World War I, and was then spurred to production by the war itself. When the war on the Western Front got bogged down in trenches, the British Royal Navy, who had already had some success with mobile armoured car groups, had the idea to use tracked, armored vehicles with guns to break the stalemate. The name "tank" became attached to the vehicle as a codename to disguise the purpose of the large metal bodies being built. After the first tanks rolled onto the battlefield, other countries called them "battle wagons", "armors", "assault vehicles", and other more descriptive names, but the Anglosphere was stuck with calling them "tanks". (Interestingly, the original British Tank, which looked like a tractor with a metal box on top of it was called "Little Willy".)

==Common Features of the Tank==

Tanks were built with pretty much any set of features you could imagine, but over time, the militaries of the world settled on several common key features:

# One single main gun, carefully chosen so it is both powerful enough to knock out other tanks with armor-piercing shots and still able to use high-explosive shells to deal with 'soft' targets.
# A turret to house the main gun, to allow the tank to shoot at targets without having to pivot the entire vehicle.
# Good protection against most battlefield weapons, with a heavily-armoured front face to defeat anti-tank weapons.
# An engine with a lot of torque and horsepower to give it both decent acceleration and top speed. The ability to run on multiple types of fuel is a big plus.
# Tracks with independent long-travel suspension for each roadwheel, to improve mobility.
# '''A radio!'''

Basically, tanks boil down to three main features: firepower, defence, and mobility. Trying to specialize in one or two attributes tended to come at the expense of second or third attributes. The heavier your guns and/or armour, the slower the tank will be, for instance, while a vehicle made for mobility has to sacrifice either protection or the size of its guns. Nowadays, tanks designers try to maximize all three attributes by being cleverer about achieving their goals, with their main limitations being weight and profile. Additionally, a fourth factor to consider in design are support systems: while not necessarily integral to the design of a tank, they are nonetheless essential in allowing it to work as one, as evidenced by the radio.

===Offense===

As mentioned in the summary above, one of the if not ''the'' defining attribute of the modern tank is its main gun. A modern (i.e. third gen and up) main battle tank must be able to engage any threat it encounters on the battlefield (and occasionally flying above it), hence the gun itself is a carefully weighed compromise between raw firepower, versatility and overall mass. Nowadays most tanks sport a gun with a calibre between 100mm and 125mm. Said gun must be capable of firing a wide range of different projectile types: at the bare minimum, it should have ammunition specialized for dealing with hard targets such as opposing tanks, or soft targets such as infantry.

Historically though, this was not always the case. The very first tanks, like the british Mk.IV and the german A7V didn't really have a primary armament but were bristling with guns and machineguns. Initially, side-mounted sponsons were adopted for carrying armament because they could aim downwards into trenches. Obviously, as soon as trenches fell out of favour, so too did sponsons. Additionally, as an enemy tank will never be in said trench, [[Land Raider|mounting an anti-tank weapon in the sponson is utterly retarded.]]

The first one to figure out the 'definitive' solution as described above were the French with their Renault FT-17 (pictured above), the very first to adopt a turret for the main armament of the tank. While the FT-17 was plagued by a host of teething problems it's overall design was so efficient and cost-effective that ''absolutely everyone'' jumped upon the bandwagon at the end of WWI, and (almost all) the rest is history. Indeed, at one point all nations toyed with the idea of multi-turreted tanks or ''land battleship'' concept, [[Baneblade|whereby a tank would have multiple turrets each with their own weapon]]. The idea was that the tank could attack in all directions at once, but in practice this led to horribly oversized monstrosities that were less efficient than simply building more tanks with the same armament. The madness then died down and coalesced into two main lines of though right before WW2: The Americans, British and French limited the amount of guns to two on their heavier tanks, one bigger casemate-mounted howitzer to deal with infantry/pillboxes and one smaller turreted AT gun (see also Char B1, the early Churchills and the M3 Lee). The Germans on their side decided 'fuck it!' and just went for specialized tanks sporting either a small-bore long-barreled AT gun or a broad-bore short-barelled howitzer, and then just had both type collaborate on the battlefield (see early Pz.III and Pz.IV). And this went swimmingly for them, at least until the Russians finally entered the dance in 1941 and deployed the revolutionary T-34, whose 76mm gun demonstrated it was possible to have a tank gun both capable of tackling armour ''and'' blowing stuff up with explosive shells, setting the precedent that stands up to this day.

Once at that point, the overall design was definitively set and guns just got bigger and better from thereon. Starting with the Soviet T-62, they started to go from rifled to smoothbore guns. If you are in any way familiar with the development of gunpowder weapons, this may seem like a baffling decision, but there is a good reason. Anti-tank shot went from a simple lump of steel to sub-calibre munitions like APCR and APDS, as detailed on the [[cannon]] page. These essentially try to be better at penetrating by focusing more energy on a smaller area. A later development was APFSDS, the famous "Silver Bullet" or arrow-like penetrators which turned Saddam's tanks into ooey gooey explody Swiss cheesey. Likewise, they also started using HEAT shells, which are designed to use the power of a focused explosion to bore their way through armour; at one point, they were so effective that tanks were designed specifically around their use. Both of these munitions types actually ''suffered'' from the rotational forces imparted by a rifled barrel. For APCR, APDS, and APFSDS, rifling does not stabilize subcalibre rounds nearly as well; likewise, the shaped charge jet from HEAT shells doesn't hold together as well if it's spinning itself apart. Getting rid of the rifling solved a huge number of other problems: it made it easier to fire missiles out of the guns, and also meant that you could fire higher velocity projectiles without having to reline the bore more frequently. The main exception was HESH, which was essentially a shell full of plastic explosive that flattens itself against targets; upon detonation, it creates a shockwave that is transmitted through the material, causing it to break and shatter if concrete, or to spall off into deadly shrapnel if steel. The spin imparted by rifled barrels helps the explosive pat out more evenly, hence why it is still commonly used by the Brits in their tanks.

During the 1960s, there was an attempt to replace the gun with a missile or gun-missile system which... didn't quite pan out. The main problem is that to accommodate guidance systems, fuel, and all that jazz, missiles are a lot larger than an equivalent tank shell, which strictly limits the amount of ammunition that can be carried. Furthermore, limitations associated with the technology at the time (heavy and fragile hardware, minimum firing ranges) precluded their use on tanks. Future vehicles may carry railguns instead, pending the development of a sufficiently capable, lightweight power system.

<div class="toccolours mw-collapsible mw-collapsed" style="100%">
On a sidenote:
<div class="mw-collapsible-content">
That said, while tanks began to coalesce around the turreted concept many remained turretless and as [[Wikipedia:Sturmgeschütz_III|the German StuG]] proves, were successful weapons in their own right. The lack of a turret does have some advantages thanks to how it lowers overall profile and allow for a larger gun to be mounted than could otherwise be the case. That said, a turret-less tank is only really useful if you don't have the money to make a turreted tank, don't have a bigger tank for your bigger gun, ''and'' will only be fighting on the defensive. The latter is the reason why the only guys ever serious about turretless tanks after WWII were the Swedes with their Stridsvagen 103, and the Germans, with their [[Jaguar Jagdpanzer|Kanonenjagdpanzer 90]]. Even today, many SPG's are still built turretless, however those 'support vehicles' aren't considered proper tanks as they lack both the armor and the tactical flexibilty to act as one.
</div>
</div>

In addition to the main gun, you also have the following secondary weapons:

*'''Machine guns:''' They've been around since the beginning, in some cases serving as primary weapons, and they're still around as secondary weapons on most armoured vehicles. They can be mounted pretty much anywhere: on the front of the hull, in its own turret on the hull, in the commander's cupola, on the side of the hull, on the back of the turret, beside the cannon (coaxial), or on top of the turret next to the hatch. The latter two are preferred for modern tanks: the coaxial can easily be used by the loader or gunner without having to change stations, and the top-mounted gun can be aimed pretty much anywhere around the tank, including at aircraft.

* '''Autocannons:''' The next step up from machine guns. Like machine guns, they've also served on primary weapons on more than a few tanks. After the Second World War however, they've tended to be relegated to the status of secondary armament, with potential use against light armoured vehicles and helicopters. Despite their obvious firepower advantages, most tanks don't have them, on account of being rather cumbersome and requiring a separate ammunition supply. The only places where you could feasibly mount them are coaxially alongside the main gun like the French [[AMX-30]]; otherwise, you'd have to create a separate compartment somewhere on the turret or hull, as was done with the experimental MBT-70, which had a retractable cupola for it.

* '''Grenade launchers:''' While tank cannons may fire high explosive shells of greater potency, an automatic grenade launcher has similar flexibility to a machine gun in urban environments, only with more firepower. Another form of grenade launcher is the smoke projector that many tanks incorporate as a defensive measure, but that's for later discussion.

* '''Mortar:''' Like the grenade launcher, a mortar on a tank can be handy for fire support. The Aussies took a page from the Germans' "mad genius" book and mounted a [[awesome|7-rounds 178mm spigot mortar]] on the back of a Matilda II tank, the idea being to give their infantry support tanks some serious close-range firepower for those cases something needed to be softened before an assault. That said, it didn't really take off: there were much more efficient ways of providing fire support separate from a tank, and the only reason it was worth bothering with was because many early-war British tanks of that period (like the Matilda) had extremely poor or even non-existent high-explosive shell capability. Nowadays, the only tank to feature a mortar is the [[Merkava]], which largely serves as a utility weapon for firing special munitions such as smoke or illumination rounds.

* '''Rockets:''' During the Second World War, a lot of countries experimented with mounting rockets on tanks, ranging from the various German ''Nebelwerfer'' attachments or the Calliope mounted on the American M4 Sherman. Like with the example of the Matilda II above, the point was to provide fire support in anticipation of an assault, or otherwise simply reuse obsolete tanks. They fell by the wayside for similar reasons, or were re-invented as dedicated artillery vehicles (like for instance the [[TOS-1 Buratino]]).

* '''Guided missiles:''' While attempts to use guided missiles as primary armament in tanks have largely failed to succeed ([[Pereh|with one exception]]), they are still being developed as a special munition designed to be launched out of the main gun. This provides tanks with an option to engage targets that are difficult to hit at distance with their main gun, which can include helicopters. Lighter tanks like the [[M551 Sheridan]] typically use guided missiles to give them an extra anti-armor punch when needed. Similarly, old Soviet tanks like the [[T55AM2]] are upgraded to fire advanced missiles as a way of extracting more usage from obsolete but otherwise functional equipment.

===Defense===

In general, tanks are designed to maximize their protection for a given weight. Initially, the only criteria during World War I was that tanks should be bulletproof... which they were, to some extent. While their armour might have been thick enough to deflect most bullets, poor quality steel and riveted construction meant that tank crew tended to get injured anyways by pieces of steel breaking off from repeated impacts. They also did jack squat against artillery, large bundles of grenades, poison gas, and flamethrowers; later in the war, the Germans developed special armour-piercing bullets and anti-tank rifles that could punch straight through.

Fast forward to the Second World War. Early on, you still had tanks that were so poorly armoured that they could be easily pierced in several places by heavy machine gun fire or special anti-tank rifles. As tanks got bigger and more capable however, they started to incorporate not only thicker, welded armour, but also a technique known as sloping. Basically, what this involved is the angling of armour plates to increase their line of sight thickness, so a 45mm plate angled at 45 degrees relative to an incoming shot would effectively have a thickness of 90mm. This technique was not unknown before the war, but the size limitations of earlier tanks made it difficult to implement, as sloped armour ate into usable interior space; it was also a little harder to build than just slapping everything together at right angles. Of course, then the T-34 came along and showed that sloping could make plates of even modest thickness repel any early or pre-war anti-tank weapon, and then on sloping became an integral feature for almost all tanks.

All seemed fine and dandy until some assholes started knocking together something called a shaped charge onto lightweight launchers that [[Tankbustas|a complete bunch of nutters could use to take out a tank]], creating weapons like the American M1 Bazooka or the German Panzerfaust. At some point during the Cold War, the increasing effectiveness of shaped charge weaponry made some designers throw up their hands and give up on providing maximum protection to their tanks. If the thickest armor you can put on a tank is going to get penetrated anyway then your best bet is not to armor it at all and focus on maximizing speed and minimizing profile to make sure you don't get hit to begin with. The German [[Leopard 1]] and French [[AMX-30]] were designed according to this principle, when it seemed like it would be impossible to defend against new HEAT shells. Others kept experimenting, and by the 1970s, people developed measures to deal with them, starting with the well-known principle of spaced armour, and then moving on to quartz and ceramic plates.

Nowadays, most modern tanks have good protection all around from most weapons, with a particularly heavily-armoured turret and front to resist dedicated anti-armor weapons. Most modern tanks have some form or another of composite armour, which consists of layers upon layers of spaced steel plates, ceramic tiles, kevlar liners, and so forth. The idea is that by putting these various materials together, you can achieve greater protection against most things for far less weight than an equivalent protection level of steel, though it does become quite bulky. How these materials exactly work together is not entirely known to even the most pretentious armchair generals. What can be said, however is that there are two big ways to defeat armour: punch through it with enough force (and, for an added treat, explode inside after that) or smash it with sufficient force it shatters and the debris ravage what is behind (somthing called 'spalling'). Thus, modern composites deflect brute-force projectiles away and have spall liners woven throughout to prevent spalling from killing the crew.

Below are a few devices and techniques utilized for defensive purposes:

*'''Smoke Dischargers:''' The little pipes or beehive-like clusters you see on the turrets and hull of the tank are smoke launchers, which fire a single salvo of smoke grenades upon activation. You may find the idea of trying to [[Creed|hide a tank]] ridiculous, but a good tank commander will know how to use smoke to mask their movements in case they need to make a hasty retreat, or to cover an advance into a more favourable position. However, they're also really, really good at fouling up enemy sensors (anywhere from optical to infrared) and guidance systems.

*'''Camouflage:''' Because the best defence is often not getting spotted until it is too late. Visual camouflage in the Second World War was extensively employed to either make them more difficult to spot or to obfuscate their silhouette. For the former, tanks would be painted in colours that helped blend in with their background; netting, foliage, and/or debris may be incorporated to complete the look. The latter works by deceiving the enemy into thinking that the tank they're seeing from aerial reconnaissance is actually a truck, or that the tank over there does not have a gun capable of turning your tank inside out. Dealing with non-visual spectrums such as infrared or radar detection require the use of special materials or paints that make tanks harder to pick out of the background.

*'''Reactive Armor:''' As per the name, they are designed to react to incoming projectiles. The most common form is what is known as Explosive Reactive Armor or ERA: essentially metal boxes with a small explosive charge sandwiched between two metal plates. When a sufficiently large projectile hits an ERA tile, it detonates, forcing the metal plates apart; this can disrupt a shaped charge jet before it has time to form. Later versions like the Russian Kontakt-5 and Relikt are capable of defending against APFSDS munitions by forcing the penetrator off course, dissipating its kinetic energy. In addition, there is also what is known as Non-Explosive Reactive Armour or NERA. Instead of an explosive charge, NERA incorporates an elastic material that is wedged between the two metal plates. Like ERA, it will react to attacks; however, instead of exploding, the sandwiched layer will expand, with similar effects on incoming projectiles to ERA. Compared to ERA, they have the distinct advantage of not exploding, which makes them safe to use around infantry, so they tend to be more like easily-replaceable armour tiles; modern-day composite armours may also incorporate them into their defence arrays to varying extent.

*'''Slat Armor:''' Due to how shaped-charge rounds work, they need to detonate at the right distance of the armor to punch through it. Something as simple as a metal cage surrounding you can prevent the shaped charge from doing much damage by just making it go off early or warping the detonator upon impact, rendering it useless.

*'''Improvised Armor:''' Just like its name says. During the Second World War, tank crew tried to bulk up armour with whatever they could find in the field. These can take the form of salvaged armor plates from other tanks and bedspring mattresses, or nothing more than basic materials like sandbags, wooden logs, or ooncrete. Ironically, many of these materials were probably ''worse'' than nothing: the added weight overstressed components and slowed down whatever tank they were mounted on. Moreover, due to defects in HEAT design at the time, they may have actually ''enhanced'' the effect of the warheads by causing them to detonate at the optimal distance, away from the tank's main hull.

*'''Active Protection System:''' An active protection system is a device that shoots down or deflects incoming anti-armor projectiles. It takes two forms. The first is an electronics countermeasure system that detects incoming guided missiles and attempts to trick them into ''not'' hitting the tank, usually by messing with their guidance systems. The other type involves an active radar scanner linked together with a launcher or projectile weapon of some sort; when it detects an incoming projectile larger than a bullet, it calculates its incoming trajectory and then fires a projectile which destroys it mid-flight.

*'''Spaced Armor:''' Spaced Armor is what it sounds like. Armor with a large gap. This gap helps dissipate the shaped charge. The most obvious examples are goofy-looking thin plates around a WWII German tank's turret and tracks (''Schürzen'' or skirts). Although they were initially designed to deflect light AT guns and rifles, they may have had some effect against HEAT warheads, at least according to some people. Whatever was the case, it has been well-established that trying to force a shaped charge to travel through three feet of air will protect a tank far better than a foot of armour. Usually incorporated as one aspect of modern composite armour.

===Mobility===

Track design is also integral to the identity of a tank and are what allow it to move around without sinking into the ground. They are so good at their job that a tank imparts a lower weight per square inch on the surface than an automobile tyre or a human foot. That said, they are a significant weakspot: they can break or slip off, leading to a complete loss of traction, and a stopped tank is a dead tank. Running the tracks over the top of the body is begging for a mobility kill, no matter how cool the [[Wikipedia:Mark I tank|British Mark I]] looked. (Though to be fair to the Mark I, it needed its high tracks to cross trenches, and since it came first, there weren't really any weapons that could specifically take advantage of its exposed tracks at the time.)

More than tracks, suspension is what allows tanks to travel easily over all terrain, absorbing all of the bumps and lumps. The earliest tanks did not have any suspension. By the Second World War however, you had vehicles using varying arrangemnet of helical and leaf springs to smooth things out a little. Most tanks now employ what is called torsion bar suspension, which translates the up-and-down movement of the roadwheel into a metal bar designed to resist twisting. A few newer models employ hydropneumatic suspension, which can be adjusted to cope with softer or harder terrain, as well as adding a few more degrees of elevation or depression for aiming the main gun.

Most tanks designed prior to the Second World War but after the First World War utilized the same engines as trucks and buses (cheap but underpowered), while a few settled on downrated airplane engines (lots of power but unreliable). At the start of the war, only the Germans dedicated engine production for military vehicles (which led to problems that we won't get into here) but it was the Soviets who would later take the cake, with the relatively lightweight yet powerful diesel Model V-2 in the T-34 (seeing a pattern here?) that would go onto to power almost all of their tanks. Most tanks nowadays go for diesels (fuel-efficient but with poor power-to-weight ratios) but a few use turbines (runs on nearly anything flammable, high power-to-weight ratio, but ''very'' thirsty), though in the interests of making warfare more environmentally friendly, we may eventually see tanks driven by electrical power and hydrogen-fuelled turbines.

By nature, tanks have some wading capability, capable of going through water that would stop your average automobile dead. To go through deeper waters usually requires extensive modifications. The first truly amphibious tanks for instance, required canvas screens to be attached for flotation, along with a propeller driven by the tank's own engine. Presently, a few tanks, most of them Russian, have the capability to be driven completely underwater, provided that they're provided with a snorkel.

===Support===

In addition to the essential three attributes of offence, defence, and mobility, tanks rely on a whole host of systems to be tanking, key among which comprise communications. It can not be overstated how important a radio became to tanks. Utterly essential for communicating with other tanks as well as whoever is in charge; having a radio determines whether or not a tank is a rolling pillbox or a decisive, mobile weapon of war. In both the battle for France and the early Operation Barbarossa the German tanks were outnumbered, under gunned and under armored compared to their opponents but thanks to their radios, they were able to outmaneuver the enemy and take them apart. Radios also became important inside tanks because, well, tanks are '''[[Noise Marines|LOUD]]''', and it's the only way for the crew to talk to each other without going hoarse yelling at each other. And it's not a joke: before the advent of intercom the commander often had to kick the driver on the left or right shoulder to indicate the direction he wanted him to turn because even yelling wasn't working with the ruckus of the moving tank. Soviet tank crews actually communicated mostly in kicks until well into 1943 because early Soviet radios were shit tier and tended to break in the first minute of every goddamn engagement.

Below are some additional systems that are not utterly essential, but nonetheless very desirable:

*'''Autoloader:''' A mechanism for automatically loading shells into the main gun, obviating the need for a loader. This is less of an obvious decision than it would seem. For decades, human loaders were actually regarded as better than mechanical loaders because they were generally faster and better: most early autoloaders had to depress the gun to a minimum elevation before loading and had difficulty switching between different types of shells. An autoloader that is put out of action by mechanical failure or damage will either make the cannon more difficult to load by hand or at worst, render it entirely inoperable, requiring extensive repairs in order to be restored to fighting condition. Plus, as mentioned in the previous section, having a human loader lends versatility and redundancy to a tank crew, as the loader could function as an additional pair of eyes and hands whenever needed. Initially, the main advantage to automating the loading process was that you could afford to have one less crew member, thus reducing overall weight. Newer developments however, can easily match or surpass human loaders in terms of loading speed, with the additional benefit of never tiring.

*'''Stabilizer:''' Essentially, this is a mechanism for keeping your main gun pointed in the right direction while moving. Initially, this wasn't seen as necessary, particularly since early designs didn't work that well: the one mounted on the American M4 Sherman tank for instance, only compensated for vertical movement. But as we've said earlier, a stopped tank is a dead tank, and moving makes it harder for you to be hit. Thus, even the earlier iteration became a critical time-saver, enabling the gunner to more quickly aim and fire after the tank comes to a stop. Later designs providing all-around stabilization have become essential for modern tanks, allowing for accurate firing while on the move.

*'''Fire Control:''' The first tanks did not have really anything in the way of aiming aids, seeing as they were meant to be used up close with the enemy. By the Second World War, tanks commonly used telescopic sights with stadiametric indicators for ranging; if present, the coaxial machine gun could also be used to assist using tracer fire. As tank warfare rolled into the Cold War, people became more interested in ensuring first-shot accuracy, so tank designers once again took a page from the navy and started mounting dedicated optical rangefinders. The British went a step further and attached ballistically-matched spotting rifles to their tank guns: these were fired first to confirm a firing solution by a tracer impact on target. Nowadays, tanks come with what are known as fire control systems, which comprise a suite of devices solely dedicated to ensuring main gun accuracy. They utilize laser rangefinders to very accurately determine distance to target, assuming that the latter isn't obscured by obstacles, foliage, dust, smoke, or whatever; these can also be used to guide missiles to their targets. They also come with ballistic computers, into which information regarding the target's range, heading, and speed are inputted to come up with a firing solution far more quickly and accurately than a human ever could.

*'''Detection:''' Tanks have notoriously bad situational awareness, so people came up with solutions to improve it. The most basic instrument is of course, Eyeball Mk. I, initially relying on either vision slots, optical instruments such as periscopes, or the commander poking his head outside of the tank. In WWII, the Germans installed an armored cupola with vision slits atop the turret in order to improve the commander's sight while 'buttoned up'; near the end, they also came up with primitive infrared illuminators as well. Nowadays, you have an array of cameras, nightvision, and infrared/thermal imagers to give you a clearer picture of things.

*'''Remote Weapon Systems''' The pintle-mounted gun is great for clearing out and suppressing infantry because it can rotate 360 degrees and is at the top of the tank, so it has a bird's-eye view of the area. Unfortunately, popping your head out to shoot at people makes you a prime target for snipers. A solution for this is having the pintle gun be virtually controlled from the inside by a remote weapon system, so the gunner can still shoot at targets without threat of catching a bullet in the face the moment they peek out of the hatch. Granted the gun itself can still be shot, but it's a lot easier to replace a machine gun than a trained crewman. The aforementioned blurb regarding replacing the MG with grenade launchers also apply here.

*'''Automatic Fire Extinguisher''' Fire? No problem. Tap a button or just wait a few seconds, and in the Abram's case, Halon gas at 7% puts it out.

*'''Blowout Ammo Compartment''' A big problem in WW1 and 2 was tanks going up from the ammunition being detonated when hit (the remains of the crew would be... messy, to say the least. Frequently they would be buried all together in a matchbox). So we first came up with wet storage, which reduced and delayed such 'cooking off' tremendously. But since there was still some risk and with tanks costing more and more every generation, we invented blowouts for modern tanks. They're basically compartments that blow outwards when the ammunition is hit and begin to burn; they vent the bang away from the main body of the machine, thus saving the million dollar tank (and the squishy but almost equally expansive meatbags inside). Sure, the tank must retreat to restock ammo, a new storage bin and some tuning up; but it can still fight with a small repair... if your ammo storage compartment wasn't open the moment it was hit.

==Crewmen==

Unlike a car or most combat airplanes, a tank isn't something that one person can fully operate alone (at least for today's standards). It is a large, complex machine that requires multiple people with specific tasks to keep it working. Never discount the importance of a well-trained crew, as they can be every bit as important as the selection of equipment. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HV2nIkqnGBI While technically feasible] to operate a tank with only two people (a driver and a gunner, as was the case with the Renault FT), it’s much more practical to have more people per tank to divide the workload, especially since a successful tank battle is heavily determined by the time it takes to get off a successful shot. Early tanks were envisioned as 'landships' and had a crew of around ten men, but most tanks today have a crew of three or four, with some crewman having multiple duties to keep things as streamlined as possible.

*'''Commander''' The commander is the one who issues orders to all crewmen. Their main responsibilities for the tank are navigating for the driver, spotting targets for the gunner, and coordinating everyone to work as one well-oiled deathmachine. They're also the one who typically mans the hatch-mounted machine gun when needed. In modern times, they are also responsible for the radio, which gives them the responsibility of coordinating with other tanks or infantry as well.
*'''Driver''' Maneuvers the tank, but with a twist. Because the driver is typically near the bottom of the tank he only can see in front of him unless he sticks his head out of a hatch; his peripheral vision borders on the non-existent. Because of that, they have to rely on the commander for precise maneuvers when the tank is traveling at full speed. That said, it is still possible for a driver to maneuver the tank on his own (yay for vision slits and/or cameras). In modern times, they also double up as the crew's mechanic.
*'''Gunner''' Operates the tank's main cannon(s) and coaxial machine gun, again with a small twist. He's responsible for aiming the guns where they need to shoot and firing when appropriate. They can also double as a loader if one's not available. But because the gunsight is quite narrow they can only make fine adjustments on their own and so need the Commander to spot the target and give them the rough direction in which to point the gun in the first place for them to acquire it and blow it up. A tank typically only needs 1 gunner, but older models that have more than 1 main cannon (like the WW1 British Mark tanks) required a gunner for each gun.
*'''Loader''' Assists the gunner by loading the appropriate ammunition into the main gun. Loaders are less common in modern tanks due to rise of autoloaders these days, but older tanks needed them to perform efficiently and the extra man has advantages his own. These include helping in field repairs and helping fuel the tank up and in the Abrams' case manning a second pintle gun.
*'''Mechanic''' Responsible for fixing up the tank when it breaks down (well, the whole crew pitches in but he's the guy with the knowledge). In later years to ease space concerns; the driver typically doubles as the crew's mechanic.
*'''Radio Operator''' Operates the radio and relays any orders and communications with friendly forces to the commander. Due to advancements in radio technology; radio operators are no longer needed in modern tanks as the commander can do that on their own these days.

==Types of Tanks==

Whether it's real or fantasy, tanks are classified from their weight and/or armament profile. A modern catch all term for all purpose built and improvised combat vehicles, not necessarily tanks, is Armored Fighting Vehicle (AFV). Here are the common ones:

===Not Actually Tanks===

Despite having treads and a gun, the following vehicles are not considered tanks. The difference is that tanks are designed for frontline combat, while other vehicles with treads are designed to carry and support infantry (APC/IFV), bombard enemy positions with heavy artillery (SPGs), or act as general support weapon systems. Many of these vehicles are light enough to be deployed by aircraft, giving them an edge over tanks in response time to emerging threats. If it isn't a purpose built chassis, they are frequently based on the previous or current tank being used to simplify logistics.

*'''Armored Personnel Carrier''' APCs are light vehicles designed to carry infantry and not much else. They're usually given a heavy machine gun to support the infantry they're carrying into battle and to defend itself, and not much else. They're designed to protect against small arms fire, not tank shells. Unlike IFVs, APCs are not expected to fight on the front due to their lackluster protection and armaments. However, they're sometimes also amphibious, something that the vast majority of tanks are not, allowing for both seafront assaults and quick getaways down waterways. Don't expect anything bigger than a HMG (that being under 20mm, usually also under or equal to 15mm) and a grenade launcher. Very rarely a low caliber (20 to under 25mm) autocannon may be present. May have a couple ATGMs (Anti Tank Guided Missile) to surpress the enemy but it isn't designed to stay in a firefight, an APC is first and foremost a transport.
Examples: [[Rhino]], [[M113 Armored Personnel Carrier|M113]], Namer (notably, it is based on the Merkava, an MBT, and has unusually tough armor)

*'''Self-propelled gun (SPG)''' Vehicles armed with artillery weapons designed to bomb the enemy back into the stone age, ranging from howitzers, mortars, or missile systems. Typically built similarly to tanks, but sacrifice armor for their heavy guns since in normal circumstances they should be too far away to get shot at directly. Not to mention that some artillery pieces have a minimum range where they can drop their payload; thus, the SPG needs to put some distance between them and their target so that they can be in effective range. The advantage to having such artillery on an actual vehicle rather than being stationary, is that counter-battery fire can threaten static guns, while mobile guns can safely get out of the danger zone once they've delivered their payload. Self-propelled guns typically carry a 150+mm Howitzer, much larger than what any proper tank would carry. While mobile rocket platforms such as the [[BM-21 Hail]] or MLRS are more popular than Self-propelled guns and are capable of absolutely soaking an area in rocket spam, the SPG has the advantage of being able to sustain fire for longer periods of time. Besides that, most SPGs can also depress the barrel enough to engage something directly which can be useful in some situations (avoiding collateral damage, for instance). Do note that standard operating procedure for SPGs is to <s>leg it like a little bitch</s> tactically redeploy if the enemy close on their position: even if they carry a big gun, they are not front-line capable vehicles. Direct engagement is avoided even if a huge shell will ruin a punk's day just fine. May have a machine gun or two just in case (and theoretical anti-air in older models), or an autocannon if the armed force is particularly passive aggresive and has money to blow on useless overkill.
Examples: [[Basilisk Artillery Gun]], [[M109 Howitzer]]

*'''Self-propelled anti-aircraft gun (SPAAG)''' Tank-like vehicles armed with weaponry designed to shoot aircraft out of the sky to provide mobile anti-air cover. There are only three real ways to shoot a very fast moving aircraft out of the sky. [[Dakka|First you can use as many rapid fire guns as you can to fill the air with as many bullets as you can and hope for one hit]]. Second, you can fire one big shell up into the air and at a certain height have it explode spraying shrapnel around it self to score the one hit you need, this are known as Anti Air Artillery, and are known in the English world by the name the Germans used during World War 2, flak. Both have been superseded by AA missiles which can track a target and put that shrapnel warhead closer to the target than just guess work and a slide rule can. Others use both guns and SAMs. As a sidenote, flak tanks (and half-tracks) equipped with heavy machine guns and small autocannons have a nasty reputation as being infantry trouncers as multiple barrels spewing lead at high speed will turn soft ground targets into mulch very quickly. Indeed, both the M19 MGMC and the M42 Duster were primarily used in this role despite having been envisioned as point-defense SPAAGs. That role had something of a heyday between WW2 and Vietnam, with the quad mount 50 cal M45's being nicknamed Kraut Mover and the twin 40mm's of the M42 being used to lumberjack VC hiding in treelines. Modern variants mostly have guided missiles and the BRRRRT variants are usually not mounted on tanks.
Examples: [[Hydra Flak Tank]], [[ZSU 23-4 Shilka]]

*'''Infantry Fighting Vehicle''' Known as IFVs, these almost-tanks are capable of transporting infantry forces, while being armored and armed enough to be of support to the field, unlike light tanks. However, unlike true tanks, IFVs can't be expected to stand up to enemy armor. Modern IFV's can have anti tank missiles, but with their tin can armor, going toe to toe with a main battle tank is suicide and so it supports regular tanks or takes on enemy armor in emergencies. While APCs and IFV can share similar roles and armaments today, the main way to distinguish them is with their main gun: anything that has a main gun smaller than 25mm is classed as an APC, and anything higher is an IFV. IFVs are designed to stay and fight (though not toe to toe with enemy tanks) and act as direct fire support. Effectively, when comparing a squad with an IFV vs a squad with an APC, the later is an infantry squad with a transport, the former is a (light) tank that can dismount some of its crew.
Examples: [[Chimera Transport|Chimera]], [[Razorback]], [[BMP]], M2 Bradley

*'''Armored Reconnaissance Vehicle''' In some ways they can be confused for IFVs in that these vehicles are similarly equipped and focus on mobility, and may even have limited troop capacities. But where they mainly differ is in doctrinal use: Armored Recon is mainly used to provide independent support to a recon team rather than support front-line troops. As such, troop carrying capacity isn't as necessary if it has any at all. See below the Infantry vs Cavalry Tank distinction as it can apply here as well, since modern cavalry units use such vehicles. Some IFV's share a base chasis with ARVs , those ARVs are usually called Cavalry Figthing Vehicles (CFV).
Examples: [[Salamander Reconnaissance Tank]], [[LAV-25]], [[M113 MRV]], M3 Bradley

*'''Tank Destroyer''' Tank destroyers are specialist armor designed for one thing in mind: knocking out armor and not much else. Some are turreted, and some aren't. Most modern ones use guided missiles, all historical and some modern use cannons. What makes them not tanks is a matter of technicality. Tanks are designed for general military purpose (so useful for a range of tasks) while tank destroyers are for only one thing, destroying armor (especially on vehicles). After World War 2 we figured out that since tanks fought other tanks so often anyway tank destroyers don't really make sense so we upgraded the guns on regular tanks, while the role of “Light Anti-Armor Vehicle” was taken by ATGM carriers, which being mostly modified LAVs, have the ability to kill tanks while being very mobile and easy to transport. A handful of cannon-armed Tank Destroyers still exist, some tracked, others wheeled, but they're a rare breed. They tend to be considered for use with airborne troops in need of anti-armor capability (since a proper tank tends to be too heavy to airdrop) and for certain strategic mobility concerns.
Examples: [[Leman Russ Battle Tank#Destroyer Tank Hunter|Destroyer Tank Hunter]], [[Leman Russ Battle Tank#Leman Russ Vanquisher|Leman Russ Vanquisher]], [[M901 ITV]]

*'''Assault guns''' Similar to tank destroyers, assault guns differ in one important way: instead of an anti-tank gun, they're armed with a anti-building weapon, frequently a howitzer. These tended to be fairly big and fairly heavy compared to SPGs, because they're made to get in close to heavy fortifications. After World War 2 assault guns became light air-dropped weapons to support airborne troops if they encountered hard targets. They are comparatively very rare in modern orders of battle. Most that remain are in the Third World (usually WW2 Soviet vintage, they made a LOT of things).
Examples: [[Vindicator]], [[Leman Russ Battle Tank#Leman Russ Demolisher|Leman Russ Demolisher]]

===Proper tanks===
*'''Male/Female''' A very, Very, Very early design and designation of tank done only really during the first world war when the British were still trying to figure out how this whole tank thing worked. The difference is obvious, male tanks have cannons, and female tanks have only machine guns. In modern time however Gendering Tanks is completely obsolete since, almost by definition a tank has a cannon so making tanks without cannons is a rather silly. Nether the less you can point to a few very light tanks as being in the same vein as the British female tanks, but only if small caliber autocannons count as machine guns.
Examples: [https://1d4chan.org/wiki/Land_Raider#Crusader_Pattern Land Raider Crusader] and [https://1d4chan.org/wiki/Land_Raider#Phobos_Pattern Phobos pattern] (female and male respectively)

*'''Tankettes''' Less of a tank and more of an armored clown car with guns; these were in vogue for a while in the 1930s. They're essentially a one or two-person tank, armed with machine guns, flame throwers, or anti-tank rifles and not designed to move much faster than the infantry around them (except for the italians, whose [[Wikipedia:L3/35|cute lil' buggers]] could reach a respectable speed). They're generally made to act as mobile infantry support or anti-tank weapons. Needless to say, this idea didn't stick because when even a high-caliber machine gun (which WW2 was rife with) could penetrate the armor of the tank, making it useless in straight-up combat. Only the Japanese extensively used them during WW2, which made some sense as most of their combat theater is in jungles that would bog-down full-sized tanks (Plus their doctrine emphasized more on air and naval superiority, with them island-hopping during their conquests). Tankettes however, were still fielded in limited quantities after WW2 due to their light weight that allowed them to be safely air-dropped, mainly for non-front line use like tank destroyers, AA guns, and recon vehicles. The only tankette still in use is the German Sedan-sized Wiesel, an airdropped scout vehicle. In effect, the smallest of the tankettes with a crew of one were an attempt to make an individual soldier into a one man tank to allow them to support their comrades. [[Power Armour|Sounds]] [[Centurion Squad|familiar]], [[Terminator|doesn't]] [[Battlesuit|it]]?
Examples: [[Sentinel]] (effectively)

*'''Light Tank''' These are lightly armored tanks that sacrifice armor and firepower for maneuverability. They are not meant to be front-line combat tanks, as their armaments are usually too underpowered to go against heavier vehicles, rather they're usually relegated to reconnaissance duties and infantry support. Light tanks would carry guns that ranged from 37mm-45mm, though some early German Panzers were only equipped with machineguns. Some modern equivalents serve as Scout Tanks which are usually capable of paradrops.
Examples: [[Siegfried]], [[M551 Sheridan]]

*'''Heavy tank''' The big boys, armed with the biggest guns and the thickest armor. Heavy tanks are what you send to crack an enemy defensive line as they slowly (or not-so slowly, as German and American heavies could reach similar speeds as their mediums) rumbled forward, guns blazing, destroying anything in sight... Except eventually Medium tanks, which split the difference between light and heavy tanks having more firepower than the former and more mobility then the latter, are just more cost effective and Heavy tanks are not too much better than improved mediums, which evolved into the main battle tank. Some heavy tanks were actually variants of medium tanks with heavier armor and/or guns, most notably those of the M4 Sherman. Heavy tanks typically carried 88mm-120mm cannons.
Examples: [[Sicaran Battle Tank]]

*'''Main Battle Tank/Medium tank''' Medium tanks, which were generally made to carry guns close to a heavy with mobility not far off a light, evolved into main battle tanks. These would become the primary tank for modern nations by combining high speed, adequate armor and most of all a powerful gun. MBT's are not as heavy as we could theoretically make a tank (although modern advances like reactive armor plates, have allowed them to still be as survivable as true heavies, while springing for a modern heavy could make it theoretically unkillable in a slugging match but vulnerable to guided munitions) but their speed makes up for it and they act as the spearhead of an assault force designed to create and exploit a gap in enemy defenses to allow massed mechanized forces to rush though the gap. Interwar and early WWII mediums usually had 37mm or 50mm cannons. WWII era medium tanks carried 75mm-90mm cannons, first generation (basically optimised mediums that still had a few optimised heavies accompanying them), second gen and the very first gen 3 MBTs typically had 105mm guns, and second gen retrofits and proper third gens (the modern generation of tanks, with the very newest named 3+ or 4) generally have a minimum cannon size of 120 mm or so, with the Russians coming in with 125's that can fire ATGMs and Rheinmetall building 130mm guns to counter them (there was also a test variant of the M1 Abrams with a 140mm gun).
Examples: [[Leman Russ Battle Tank]], [[M1 Abrams]]

*'''Infantry/Cavalry tank''' A British and French design doctrine, the theory for the design goes like this. Infantry tanks support infantry, (hence the name) and therefore they don't need to go fast and can carry heavy armor while their guns did not have to be terribly strong to support the infantry. However they were too slow to use the line breaks they created (a problem in World War 1) hence the need for the Calvary tank. Cavalry or cruiser tanks were much, much lighter and were designed to move fast and rush though a gap the Infantry tanks made but could not use and create havoc behind enemy lines cutting communication, destroying supplies, etc. The idea was sound, however technology advanced so that Cruiser tanks could have the armor of a infantry tank without the slowness, and infantry tanks could have the speed of the Cruiser's meaning the distinction became meaningless. Before World War II, Russia had a similar idea for three different types of tanks, a breakthrough tank acting as an infantry tank, one tactical breakthrough tank, and a 'fast tank' to exploit gaps. The Cavalry tank role has been pretty much taken over by airdropped armored vehicles such as IFVs or Tank Destroyers.

*'''Flame tank''' a tank (going from tankette to heavy, all types were used in WWII) with a [[meme|werfer zat werf flammen]] instead of a big gun as main weapon. Only used in the 1920s-1950s as they were quickly rendered obsolete (it was more cost-effective and just as efficient to have standard tanks have a flamethrower as a coaxial gun), though incendiary weapons of various sorts are still used today, mainly in artillery roles. Typically unpopular with both forces using and opposing them for many reasons: the implications of this weapon were very harsh as the typical man-portable flamethrower has a range of 60 meters max (video games lied to ME?!) and their heavy mechanized versions could reach most of a quarter mile with their concentrated hydraulic spray of diesel fuel. Flame tanks were supposed to start with a "Wet fire", basically spraying the fuel without igniting it into bunkers or fortifications to get enemy units to realize just how hard they were fucked, really weren't protected from the coming blaze at all and in turn they would surrender before being cooked to death. Which a vast majority actually did when '''''hosed with gasoline'''''. The problem was that, due to either open fighting, soldiers that just wouldn't surrender or sadistic crews/commanders, the weapons were often fired outright the first time around to horrific physical and psychological impact on both sides - burning, screaming soldiers, the fumes making crews sick, thick diesel smoke inhalation or oxygen depletion asphyxiating those in poorly ventilated areas (especially caves in the Pacific Front) and the smell of burnt human flesh permanently seared in their minds meant that instant life derailing post-traumatic stress disorder was a very common side effect of witnessing a flame tank in action. Another was that flame tank crews that were captured were usually subjected to torture and summary revenge executions. In the end, flame tanks are remembered as a job nobody wanted to do, an enemy nobody wanted to face, a weapon that accomplished little that soldiers using the man-portable variety (which already had a bad rep' but was begrudgingly tolerated by soldiers as tactically necessary to avoid chemical warfare, nobody in their right mind wanted to clear caves out directly) could not do and pushed the propaganda and soldier's beliefs forward that the enemy truly were barbarians and made of evil, all pushed ahead because a Commissa -- I mean General far removed from the field said they were necessary. Real life Grimdark indeed.
Examples: L3/35 "Lanciafiamme", M3 "Satan", M4 "Crocodile", Flammpanzer III, Churchill Crocodile, Kliment Voroshilov model 8, OT-34, technically any tank with incendiary or thermobaric ammo

*'''Super Heavy Tank''' Superheavies were conceived in World War I, essentially using the term "landship" literally. Armed with giant cannon (sometimes multiple ones, and usually reserved for artillery or battleships) and armor plating so heavy, you'd mistake it for a fortress; they were meant to be the ultimate line breakers. While some prototypes were fleshed out, none (except for the French [[Wikipedia:Char 2C|Char 2C]], although it arrived too late to be used in WW1 and was obsolete in WW2) were put into service because they were simply too impractical. They were often too heavy to be supported by most roads (and off-road would have been worse), and were a logistical nightmare since their engines guzzled gas like no tomorrow. There was also the combined problem of being so slow and so large that they were easy targets for artillery spotters and bombers and it was near impossible to hide in the field due to it's large profile, so it was easy to disable the tank even before it got into effective range (No matter how much armor you put on a tank, artillery designed to level structures will eventually turn it into an expensive hunk of scrap metal). Overall, commanders found out that it was much better to send out multiple medium/heavy tanks to do the job, than sending a single super heavy. Still, because the idea of a multi-turret warship on treads is universally hella cool, that didn't stop writers from including such weapons in the arsenal of their armies, just to show how powerful they are. Super-Heavy prototypes had cannons that could range between 120mm-280mm, with the Nazis having many of the more absolutely ludicrous designs *cough*''Ratte''*cough*''Maus''*cough*. At the end of the day, this whole concept ended up being a useless waste of money in real life, at least until technology improves sufficiently.
Examples: [[Baneblade]], Maus

==Tanks in Warhammer 40,000==

Since [[Games Workshop]] seems to think that tank development in the [[Warhammer 40,000]] universe stopped somewhere between the World Wars, most of the iconic fighting vehicles of the [[Imperium]] are a mish-mash of modern and historical designs. We can quibble that some of those vehicles are not really tanks but armored personnel carriers or other specialized classes of armored fighting vehicles, but GW's design team has a serious problem with looping their tracks all the way up and over the chassis for that 1918 flavor, and not even in the correct direction for what they were designed for. A variety of other vehicles in the 40k universe are referred to as tanks, but these are often hovering vehicles like those used by the [[Tau]] or [[Eldar]], and thus technically don't count.

==Real vs Fictional Tank Designs==

Its important to know that games like WH40K subscribes to the rule of cool, rather than logic. So while things like the [[Land Raider]] or [[Baneblade]] looks cool; in a real combat situation, these tanks would range from highly impractical to down-right detrimental for everyone involved. Here's a short list of why real-world tanks, aren't designed like most fantasy tanks.

===Profile===

One of the main concerns of a tank designer has always been reducing a tank's profile as low as possible. This is for this main reason: it makes the tank harder to spot, and shoot at, at range. The others are mainly for mobility, like making the center of gravity lower so it doesn't flip over on uneven terrain, or smaller so its able to operate in various locales. Plus smaller tanks mean less material used, so that can be used on another tank or given to another project.

Sure it seems odd that this would be taken into account, given a tank is as large as a city bus; but since WW2: it wasn't really ''that'' hard to disable a tank (rocket launchers, mines, anti-tank guns, AT grenades, aerial bombers, artillery, better concealed tanks, to name the most common), if your opponent had the weapon to do so, and if they didn't: making a tank unnecessarily large just made it easier for your opponent to spot you. Thus, making your tank's profile as low and small as possible, contributed in making it less of an easy target, while still being able to act like a priority target for your opponent.

As with so many other aspects of tank design, there is a trade-off involved. Making a tank ''too small'' can compromise its ability to function as intended on the battlefield. Interwar tankettes were the most extreme example of this, with some that were smaller than the average automobile but lacking armament more powerful than a machine gun and armour that could protect against the same. With larger tanks, you could still run into similar problems by simply not leaving enough space for sufficiently powerful armament or engines (a problem which plagued many British tanks during the Second World War) or by making it too cramped for the crew to efficiently work with (which is common to many Soviet tanks before and after the Second World War).

===Speed===

Like what we've described above: it wasn't that hard to stop a tank with the proper armaments (or at least avoid it once spotted) and once your opponent has the guns to stop it, your hulking behemoth will slowly turn into a liability soon enough. (And even if they didn't have the guns; that makes your tank too-slow of a threat, which beggars the question as to why have it there in the first place).

Tanks were also pretty vulnerable on their own, requiring infantry support to deal with targets at close range (the co-axial gun only had limited elevation and was slow to aim as the entire turret had to face the target, and the pintle-mounted gun was limited to the line of sight of the gunner) as a nutter with a powerful-enough explosive could easily run/sneak to an unsupported tank and blow it to smithereens, or disable it (which pretty much meant the tank is still toast).

Nazi Germany got around this problem by using mechanized infantry (troops transported in vehicles) to support their armored forces, so everyone picked up on that and started making tanks fast enough to keep up with infantry transports to create a combined-arms assault, allowing tanks to deal with hard targets while infantry dealt with other targets that were too small for the tanks to take care of.

So, people started distancing themselves from heavyweight tanks, and started using lighter, but more faster tanks in modern combat (plus advances in modern technology made it that even a medium tank could still be as survivable and powerful as a true heavy, while still retaining maneuvrability).

===Mobility===

An immobile tank, is a dead tank, so people have gone to great lengths to either reduce, or outright remove the many ways on how infantry could disable a tank from moving; but the most common of this is by taking out the tracks with mines or explosives. This was partly fixed by putting the tracks at ground level, covering the tracks with armor, and adding additional armor skirts to further guard it from attacks from the side, ensuring that little of the tracks were exposed to direct enemy fire. Sure it was still vulnerable up-close and mines can still do a number on it, but that's what your infantry support is for (you did bring them, right?).

While the British Mark 1's rhomboid-tracks looks cool; having that on a tank today made it ''incredibly'' easy for an opposing force to disable your vehicle, as the tracks could be easily targeted. Plus even if you were to cover it in armor; it made your tank unnecessarily bigger, and people wanted to make their tanks as low and small as humanly possible. It also made maintenance and repairs unnecessarily complicated (Have to repair the tracks? Too bad, now you gotta get on top of your tall tank to fix that. Hope snipers aren't watching.).

Also while the sponson-mounted guns look cool, they're useless in modern tank combat. Apart from the obvious issues of being unable to bring your full-firepower to bear if your opponent isn't situated right infront of you AND that they have to be larger than the width of your tank: having two of your sophisticated weapon systems near ground level meant a plethora of reliability issues (went through water or muddy terrain? Pray to the Machine God your gun doesn't malfunction if you didn't clean that right away. Went through a building? Hope all that rubble didn't tear off anything important.).

Also note that this setup was done to for trench and fortification clearing, not tank vs tank combat (since WW1 focused on trench warfare than mechanized assaults). Having your turret in be centered with the hull itself, either with a turret or having it built into the tank itself to save on parts, was infinitely more effective. It also made weight distribution more balanced, which made it easier for tanks to maneuver in rough terrain.

===Logistics===

This should be an obvious point, but the Imperium of Man has only been able to create and maintain ludicrous super-heavy tank designs, because they have the aid of the Mechanicus (even if they've been reduced to a shadow of their former glory) to assist with creation and maintenance, plus having access to thousands of planets full of resources to get materiel and fuel from. Plus the creative liberties of simply accepting that: "It just works" and "THE FUTURE", because it'd be boring if we had to explain that a Forgeworld couldn't build a Baneblade because some mining world couldn't produce the output or the resources for it were earmarked to other projects, rather than something more exciting, like foul traitors constantly assailing their supply lines, or the techpriests needs some McGuffin stolen by the Orks.

Another design point for tanks is resource economy. It had (and still has) to be produced using, and maintained with, the least possible amount of resources whilst still being formidable in it's role. If an army would deploy superheavies today, just remotely near the scale of how Imperial forces do during wartime; they'd be bankrupt and end up with a lopsided army. If creation didn't eat up most of their supplies; the amount of resources they'd need to keep these war machines maintained would put the US Army to shame. Once they realize they can't keep it up; they'd start scrapping those and scramble to turn them into practical tanks (assuming they still had fuel left).

===Armaments===
Putting two cannons as your tank's main armament like C&C's Mammoth Tank looks neat like the, or [[Baneblade|UNLEASHING ELEVEN BARRELS OF HELL]] sounds awesome, but that had it's own set of problems. One is that putting a lot of main guns on your tank requires you to make the chassis bigger, as you need more room to accommodate the guns, ammunition, and larger engine (as you need more power to keep that sucker mobile), which makes it an even bigger target.

Another is that its a waste of resources; those other main guns, ammo, and materials, would be better put in making another tank, and two tanks are still more threatening than one. It is also either overkill, as the main guns of today's battle tanks can typically penetrate tank armor easily enough, or worthless since if you did meet a tank with armor too strong for your guns, having more of them is not gonna help. The probable rate-of-fire, firepower, or accuracy advantage you have over tanks with only one gun, would be easily off-set with autoloaders, specialized ammunition, better targeting systems, and/or a well-drilled gunner crew. That or an auxiliary missile launcher, which is loads more practical and cost-effective.

One more, is that in the event your tank is destroyed; that's a massive ammo-cookoff you're looking at, which can be dangerous to both the crew and surrounding friendlies.

==Character Role==

''See also [[Combat roles]] for other roles''

In many role-playing games, particularly the online ones, the term "tank" has also arisen to describe a character whose primary purpose is redirect all damage from enemies to himself. This was one of the primary purpose of actual tanks as well; tanks, being as armored and threatening, are supposed to get most of the enemy's attention while the squishier units like infantry and light vehicles move into advantageous positions to deal more damage, without the threat of serious retaliation.

See, many enemies in RPGs have ''way too much health'', deal way too much damage for most classes to withstand, and fights with them are unlikely to be decided in one round unless they're uncharacteristically vulnerable to save-or-die rays (which almost never happens).

Furthermore, many of the classes that are best at dealing damage (assassin and wizard types, for example) often have very little survivability when it comes to being punched in the face, in order to balance out classes. If a class can both tank damage and deal high damage at the same time, they either render other classes redundant or can do neither as well as a dedicated tank or damage dealer. (This is where the gaming term differs from the historical/military term - a "pure" tank (unit role) is strictly something that attracts and survives damage, without much or even necessarily any of the punch a tank (vehicle type) has.)

Thus, demand is created for a character whose job is to redirect enemies' aggression away from the squishy members of the party and towards them instead, usually using their mastery of mind-control, irritating sound effects, imposition of dangerous effects for attacking anyone else, or simply cutting insults and rude gestures which draw attention to themselves. They also tend to have abilities that help them in resisting, mitigating, avoiding, or regenerating from some of the damage they suffer (and on occasion act as a secondary damage dealer). In most cases, tanks are also often reliant on healer classes as well to keep them alive while they do their thing, as enemies that require tanks can usually deplete a good chunk of their health in a few attacks. Making sure that chunk is constantly restored is required to make sure they can keep at it.

''[[4th Edition Dungeons and Dragons| Fourth Edition]]'' refers to this role as the "defender," while ''[[Dawn of War 2]]'' vets will recognize it as the "[[Tarkus]]", and later the "[[Apollo Diomedes|Diomedes]]." While it is most obvious in online video games, the necessity of drawing fire away from squishier party members toward tougher ones who can take a beating exists in a variety of different games, from [[Sentinels of the Multiverse| cooperative card games]] to MOBAs. The wargame equivalent would be the [[DISTRACTION CARNIFEX]].

==See Also==
*[[Team Yankee]] - a tabletop game that revolves around late Cold War tank warfare, with plenty of info on real-world tanks.

{{Vehicle Warfare}}

[[Category:History]]
[[Category:Vehicles]]

H.P. Lovecraft

2021-04-28T17:48:08Z

2A02:1811:5185:DD00:4437:1569:764C:54A3:

{{Awesome}}
[[Image:Lovecraft.jpg|thumb|right|This is the closest he was able to pull to a smile.]]
{{Topquote|For I have always been a seeker, a dreamer, and a ponderer on seeking and dreaming...|H.P. Lovecraft, defining what is to be, at core, an elegan/tg/entleman}}

'''Howard Phillips Lovecraft''' was an American writer of horror fiction for 1920s pulp magazines, mostly the now defunct but famous at the time ''Weird Tales''. He is lauded one century later as the pioneer of the idea of "cosmic horror". In his stories (and the genre that evolved from it) the horror doesn't arise from prosaic fears of death and dismemberment, but from the idea that the universe itself is utterly alien and either indifferent or actively malevolent towards mankind, full of incomprehensible horrors that our minds are ill-equipped to cope with because some asshat didn't make it OSHA-compatible. This idea replaced the traditional spooks, werewolves, vampires and psychos with tentacled monstrosities from beyond space and time, dark gods sleeping beneath the ocean, and secretive cults carrying out terrible rites to bring their masters back to the world of the living. His influence can be felt throughout our culture as cosmic horror became a core concept of both fantasy and science-fiction - Mind Flayers in D&D, the insidious cults and corrupting influence of the gods of Chaos in ''Warhammer'', and of course ''[[Call of Cthulhu]]''.

The message of most of his writings is: life sucks, history and culture are precious but religion is harmful, and foreigners are weird and having children with them is an abomination. (Lovecraft was outspokenly racist even for his day,<sup>[[#References|[1]]]</sup> though he would later come to regret ''some'' of it. [[Skub|And that's all we'll say, lest we invite flame wars otherwise.]]) Most importantly of all: man is hugely smaller and weaker than he thinks he actually is on the cosmic stage. Essentially, cosmic horror's [[grimdark]] value comes from the fact that really bad, really powerful things exist, and we can neither fully stop nor understand them. Sure, lesser things of his Mythos aren't all that bad, relatively speaking. You can exorcise a ghost, kill a werewolf, or bring down a Deep One with the right knowledge and equipment - but Lovecraft's ''big'' monsters can't be stopped. They're essentially immortal gods, you are at their mercy, and the best that you can do is, maybe, briefly, slow them down or temporarily boot them out of the world. Worst of all is that you either know this or are made painfully aware of it as the story unfolds: you might know these eldritch beings exist and their plans down to the very letter, but you also realize you can't do anything about it, like knowing the exact yield and placement of every nuke in World War III. Therein is the most disturbing thing in Lovecraft's stories: the simple fact that the entirety of human existence is microscopic to the universe, its true nature beyond the physical scope of our comprehension.

Much of the horror of his works plays on the fear of the unknown and the unfamiliar. Considering just ''how'' weird and incomprehensible a majority of the antagonists are, though, it's no surprise that protagonists of his stories tend to end up batshit insane under the burden of the knowledge that, even though they might have temporarily disrupted those things' plans, it is but a hollow and temporary victory at the very best, and in some ways they were better off not becoming aware to begin with. Lucky(?) for us, most of these beings don't know or don't care enough about us to ruin our day, and some are even benevolent - by comparison, at least. With his concepts being all but public domain, it's not uncommon to find later media in what would come to be considered "Lovecraft Lite" that take liberties with the themes of cosmic indifference and hopelessness, [[skub|for better and for worse]]; sometimes the existential and extra-terrestial horrors are more actively malevolent towards humanity and its domain, and sometimes they can be dispatched in a more permanent manner. [[Sanity]] loss will definitely still occur, though.

Contrary to popular myth, Lovecraft was not an eccentric recluse who died alone. He enjoyed an extensive circle of friends he met first as member of the amateur journalist movement (of which he was a head of), then later as a writer for the 'Weird Tales' magazine. He visited friends, and vice versa, whenever they were in the area. In New York, Lovecraft would often wander the city with his friends until the early hours of the morning, seeking historical buildings and neighborhoods. Usually it would be him who would be leading his friends on to exhaustion. Lovecraft was also a prolific writer of letters, leaving behind thousands. Lovecraft corresponded with many of the other authors of the time, including [[Robert E. Howard]], [[Clark Ashton Smith]], Frank Belknap Long, Fritz Leiber Jr. (Fahfrd and Grey Mouser, one of Gygax's many influences on D&D) and even a young Robert Bloch (Psycho). While his writing was associated with nihilism and hopelessness, he was described as a decently happy and pleasant, albeit occasionally neurotic, guy to be around, and even though he much preferred being alone he was part of a sizable social circle of writers with whom he developed strong friendships, even becoming the glue that kept them together, as was the case his his New York City friends, the "Kalem Club". Howard also traveled extensively when his budget allowed, so he could visit historical sites, admire architecture (especially from the Colonial era), and visit friends. He traveled as far north as Quebec, as far south as Florida's Key West, and even crossed the Mississippi to visit New Orleans. Howard's suicide in particular was known to have affected him greatly, and in turn Lovecraft's passing was met with deep mourning by his fellow authors, who aimed to make his otherwise obscure legacy known to the world by leading efforts to collect and publish (or republish) his writings.

Many of his correspondents wrote pastiches of his distinctive style of horror; in fact, Bloch and Lovecraft each wrote stories in which the other made an appearance (and died in a suitably gruesome way). This in turn helped some authors, borrowing many ideas and notions from Lovecraft and added them to their works as well: the most famous example would be the Conan universe, which is also set in the Mythos that Lovecraft created (although in this case a much, much earlier time). Lovecraft himself encouraged his friends and other authors to draw from his work and made no attempts to keep it as purely his own, spurring on his posthumous popularity and influence in media. Though he didn't have much financial success in his lifetime, he resolved to write when and what he wanted to, and to not [[Awesome|"set down the dream for a boarish Publick."]]

==Some of Lovecraft's stories==
* '''Call of Cthulhu:''' Artists round the world go mad as an eldritch god stirs in its slumber. The one where Cthulhu actually appears and is skewered by a steamboat.
* '''The Shadow over Innsmouth:''' Man goes on trip to backwater ancestral hometown to learn more about his family. What he finds is not what he was looking for. Also clearly demonstrates Lovecraft's fear of sea creatures (which is the reason so many aliens and ancient eldritch beings in his stories have these features - especially the recurring tentacle motif) and his [[/pol/|disapproval of interracial/inter-ethnic mixing]]. Important background for [[Delta Green]].
* '''The Colour Out of Space:''' A meteorite whose color cannot be described lands on a farm, contaminates the soil and water, drains the crops and livestock of their vitality, and drives the family into insanity before consuming them. Then it flies away to do the same thing to some other world. Was made into a relatively faithful film adaptation in 2019, starring Nicholas Cage. It’s as awesome as it sounds.
* '''Dagon:''' Short story on one of the Deep One gods.
* '''The Dunwich Horror:''' A physical manifestation of the cosmic order had a baby with a normal human. As investigation on this strange boy deepens, people realize things are horribly wrong, as the blood and noises around the house suggest. Remember kids, race-mixing bad.
* '''The Case of Charles Dexter Ward:''' An intrepid investigator showing a certain [[Matt Ward|descendant]] how to be [[awesome]].
* '''At the Mountains of Madness:''' An Antarctic university expedition went missing, so a second mission is sent to find them. Little do they know about the billion-year-old horrors in wait. John Carpenter's ''The Thing'' was not an adaptation of this work, but it shares a lot of common elements.
* '''The Dream Quest of Unknown Kadath:''' AKA Adventures of Mary Sue. It is nice though. Also clearly demonstrates Lovecraft's immense love of cats.
* '''The Cats of Ulthar:''' Don't ever kill a cat, especially not if the cat belongs to a gypsy. You will pay!
* '''Herbert West: Reanimator:''' Mad scientist insists on reanimating the dead, despite the fact that they make it very clear that they would rather not come back and the reanimation makes them violent and cannibalistic.
* '''Nyarlathotep:''' Introduced the title character, who is basically [[Just as planned]] personified. The only one of Lovecraft’s deities to have a human personality, Nyarlathotep is the go to villain in any adaption of the franchise.
* '''Cool Air:''' A wealthy young man who is probably a Lovecraft self-insert moves into an apartment building filled with immigrants, where he meets one he actually doesn’t hate, an old doctor with a literally quite cool room. Time goes on and the air conditioner for the room breaks, sending the Doc into a panic. When they come back to fix it, he’s become goop on the floor, because surprise surprise he was using this (for the time) radically new technology to postpone his inevitable death, and had been for 18 years. Cue dreadful realization.

==Influences on Tabletop Gaming==
Not counting the games directly based upon his work:

* Any number of ''D&D'' monsters -- Mindflayers, though inspired by an image of tree roots growing from beneath a skull, gradually became stand-ins for Cthulhu and his spawn, gibbering mouthers are low-grade shoggoths, kuo-toa are much like the Deep Ones minus their strange breeding habits, etc...

* The [[Far Realm]] of D&D, a place outside creation home to unspeakable madness.

* The Jabberslythe in Warhammer Fantasy (shoggoths, in conjunction with the titular creature from the Lewis Carroll poem "Jabberwocky")

* The concept of [[Chaos]] in both the Warhammer Fantasy and 40,000 settings owes much to his work, in conjunction with [[Michael Moorcock]].

* Magic the Gathering's entire [[Eldrazi]] set, as cheesy as it was, was about the Old Ones awakening.

* The [[Pathfinder]] RPG gets a lot of mileage out of Lovecraftian themes, like the stuff about [[Wat|aboleths creating the human race]], the Vault Keepers, Aucturn the Stranger, and the Dark Tapestry. Eventually, many Mythos figures, including the C'ster himself, made appearances as pants-shittingly dangerous endgame bosses, and their creatures got (mostly pretty good) write-ups as encounter-able monsters. You can even play a Deep One Hybrid or Yaddithian.

* Xoriat, the Realm of Madness, home of the Daelkyr, from the [[Eberron]] setting is pure Lovecraftian horror.

* While [[Genestealers]] originally took their inspiration from the horror movie Alien, their cults are most definitely reminiscent of ''Shadow of Innsmouth'' mixed with the more apocalyptic cults devoted to alien gods.

* The lord of nerds and [[just as planned]], the Chaos God [[Tzeentch]] is very reminiscent of some of Lovecraft's strangest creations, most notably Nyarlathotep.

* The C'tan derive some features from Lovecraft's Old Ones, such as being ancient aliens that can warp the fabric of reality (but without the dimension the Warp). The Deciver, like Tzeentch, also owes a lot to Nyarlathotep, even being a weaker member of its group with a more human-like sadistic personality just like Nyarlathotep.

==See Also==
* The [[Cthulhu Mythos]] and works based on it, including:
** ''[[Call of Cthulhu]]''
** ''[[Trail of Cthulhu]]''
** [[Arkham Horror]]
** [[Delta Green]]
** [[CthulhuTech]]

Other /tg/-relevant sci-fi authors:

* [[H.G. Wells]]
* [[Robert Heinlein]]
* [[Isaac Asimov]]
* [[Arthur C. Clarke]]
* [[Philip K. Dick]]

==References==
# Take this poem of his, for example:

[[/pol/|When, long ago, the gods created Earth
<br>In Jove's fair image Man was shaped at birth.
<br>The beasts for lesser parts were next designed;
<br>Yet were they too remote from humankind.
<br>To fill the gap, and join the rest to Man,
<br>Th'Olympian host conceiv'd a clever plan.
<br>A beast they wrought, in semi-human figure,
<br>Filled it with vice, and called the thing a Nigger.]]

He also named his cat after the slur as well (much to the Internet's amusement and chagrin). So much for liking cats...

==External Links==
*[http://www.hplovecraft.com/ The H.P. Lovecraft Archive]
*[http://www.dagonbytes.com/thelibrary/lovecraft/ Complete Works at Dagonbytes]

[[Category:Writers]]
[[Category:Literature]]
[[Category: Cthulhu Mythos]]

Gene-seed

2021-04-25T15:04:29Z

2A02:1811:5185:DD00:4437:1569:764C:54A3: /* Iron Hands (X Legion) */

In [[Warhammer 40,000]], [[humans]] are transformed into [[Space Marines]] by, among other things, implanting them with a series of 19 organs that dramatically alter and enhance their biology. The organs' DNA strings, from which they are vat-grown, are collectively known as "gene-seed." Go ahead, make your immature jokes.

== Origins ==

Gene-seed is a vital part of the [[Space Marine]] program, and is as old as the Astartes themselves. When the [[God-Emperor of Mankind]] was still conquering [[Terra]], many of the techno-barbarians' armies had augmented human warriors. The Emperor then realized that he would need vast armies of super-soldiers for his coming [[Great Crusade]], so he embarked on a project to create a mass-producible means of enhancing humans. This project resulted in the twenty [[Primarchs]], and from their genes, he created the gene-seed organs to be implanted into each Space Marine. These organs are usually produced in vats from extracted progenoids but [[Daemonculaba|other methods]] can be used in a pinch, and, of course, the Sinew Coils aren't an actual organ, so they can be produced much more readily, like any other cybernetic implant.

The traditional loyalist method of implanting gene-seed into recruits until it grows into new organs, then retrieving fresh gene-seed from them happens to loosely resemble the real-life concept of adult stem cells, invaluable for life-saving surgeries and keeping your liver from shriveling up when you get too drunk.

The process was originally available on a nearly industrial scale for the Great Crusade - both Terra and each legion recruitment worlds could make up the numbers for thousands of recruits. Occasionally they could be inducted as adults, although the limitations of this varied and usually an adult recruit was worthy but couldn't take a gene seed. In this case various surgeries and augmentations could turn them into a 'demi-marine', although the difference in performance was notable. A notable exception was Magnus the Red's teacher Amon, who would have been far too old for geneseed implantation but was altered by Magnus' powers to accept the implants.

During the Heresy the Traitor Legions came up with a quick and dirty method for boosting their ranks by taking hundreds of thousands of aspirants and forcing the implantation process rapidly, along with substituting the years long training process with constant hypnotherapy training. The success rate was small but they had so many potential recruits it still resulted in a boost in their numbers. These Newborn, as they came to be known, were equipped with the same gear as regular marines but utterly lacked the skills and prowess of a traditional legionary. Their forced creation also led them to being seen as second class citizens amongst their legions, and thus they created their own subcultures and traditions. As a result, they ended up being used as disposable shock troops whilst regular astartes were saved for more important duties.

After the Heresy, the loyalist legions scaled back the process, relocating all materiel onto homeworlds or fleet apothercarions. As a preventative measure learned from the Heresy, subsequent recruits were taken at a younger age, both to screen out weakness as soon as possible, and to more readily indoctrinate the prospective marine to being loyal (YMMV). Most chapters also introduced far more stringent levels of hypnotherapy and indoctrinatation than a heresy era marine would ever have had, and their standards for general recruits were also much higher, since now they recruited less from a smaller population (relatively) instead of a lot from a massive group, which could even be from several different worlds in cases of emergency recruitment.

== The Organs ==

Oddly, most 40K fluff never refers to most of these organs, if any, especially when situations come up where these organs might have been especially useful. The worst offenders are usually the sensory ones; the Occulobe, Lyman's Ear, and Neuroglottis, taken together, ''ought'' to make them notice things normal humans can't, especially under low-light conditions, but the fluff usually has them only picking up the standard level of detail.

# The '''Secondary Heart''' is pretty self-explanatory. It lets a Space Marine get his blood flowing at a faster rate through his body and probably to the more critical bits, which lets his muscles work harder and longer, and it gives him a backup just in case one fails (i.e. gets shot, stabbed, [[Kor Phaeron|ripped out by Guilliman]], or what have you). The Secondary Heart is not beating at all times. It only activates during times of stress (bear in mind that a twenty mile run is not considered stressful to an Astartes); otherwise, it just sits there awaiting activation.
# The '''Ossmodula''' makes a Space Marine's skeleton grow and incorporate some ceramic dietary supplements into itself and fuses his ribs together into a solid structure. The Tyrant guard's fused ribcage hints that <s>the Hive mind has incorporated Space marine DNA into-</s>{{BLAM}} convergent evolution is at work. Ironically, the fusing of the rib cage would be considered a bad thing, as the Space Marine would not be able to breathe properly, but since this is 40K, little things like biology can and will be ignored if the end result sounds sufficiently cool, then again the Multi lung (see bellow) may help with this. A (decidedly) secondary effect of a fused rib cage would be a loss of flexibility (unless by “fused” they mean “segmented but overlapping”). This bit sounds like it was tailor-made for Ultramarines since the vast majority of them walk around like they've got a broom handle shoved up their collective asses anyway.
# The '''Biscopea''' triggers muscle growth. These first three organs are often implanted together, as they collectively prepare the Initiate's body for further augmentation. Around this time, the Initiate gets put on a diet containing extra nutrients to fuel his new growth.
# The '''Haemastamen''' enhances a Space Marine's blood to better accommodate the Space Marine's nifty set of new organs by improving its ability to carry oxygen. It also turns it [[Orks|bright red]].
# The '''Larraman's Organ''' creates Larraman's Cells, which are like super-platelets: they make wounds rapidly scab over. This allows Space Marines to keep fighting even when shock and blood loss would kill most people.
# The '''Catalepsean Node''' messes with the body's sleep cycle, letting Space Marines get away with four hours of sleep every day, or even less, and making it possible for them to not lose awareness, even after like 2 weeks without sleep. It also makes the brain susceptible to hypno-therapy, which is a fancy word for "brainwashing" the Initiates while they are asleep. As a nasty side effect, it allows Chaos marines to re-brainwash loyalists they captured alive (or better: in suspended animation). Unsurprisingly to anyone familiar with Chaos, this trick doesn't work in reverse, which might just go to show that the Chaos Marines might be [[Heresy|closer to the true human nature than the loyal Marines...]] or more likely that Chaos is corrupting as fuck.
# The '''Preomnor''' is like a bird's crop, in that it stores food before passing it to the stomach, except that the Preomnor also decontaminates its contents as well. In Ian Watson's Space Marine novel, Initiates celebrated getting this organ by eating the most disgusting things they could until they finally provoked a vomit reflex.
# The '''Omophagea''' is one of the odder organs. It connects to the stomach and the spinal cord, and somehow takes [[Cannibalism|knowledge from the brain tissue that a Space Marine can eat]]. Interestingly, most Space Marines are pretty reluctant to actually eat brains, as the process is physically extremely unpleasant, leaves them in a vulnerable torpor whilst they process the information, and is one of the very few things that can readily make a Space Marine vomit afterwards. The Thousand Sons (pre-heresy) - contrary to their civilised, haughty persona - highly approved of the practice. And, in fact, it is not just the brain, since some Astartes rituals, if not chapter names, originated from this; the Blood Angels and their descendants are especially famous for blood drinking and [[rip and tear]] in general; this is actually because they receive knowledge and visions from it. What? You thought the Blood Angels had visions of Sanguinius only to have a [[grimdark]], [[Machine spirit|mystical aura]]? Before reuniting with their Primarch, the Blood Angels standard operating procedure was to ritually cannibalize their dead officers and sometimes even assume their rank and identity. Additionally, the memories they absorb become very hard to forget (brain washing technologies can help). Now just add some chaos to that mix and you've got heresy brewing...
# The '''Multi-Lung'''... do I have to spell it out? It's an additional lung! It also has a lot of filters and the like, and can function underwater and in low-oxygen atmospheres. In other words, it allows the Space Marine without a helmet to breathe under water and in toxic air. Just how does this third lung fit in with the other two Marines are born with and all the other organs implanted later? Very carefully, that's how.
# The '''Occulobe''' gives Space Marines super-vision, and allows their eyes to adjust to changes in light almost instantly, or at least in the fluff.
# The '''Lyman's Ear''' gives them super-hearing and makes them immune to motion sickness and concussion. However, in-game, they have no particular immunity or even resistance to concussion, probably because it's often delivered by a hammer to the head.
# The '''Sus-an Membrane''' lets them enter a state of ''Sus''pended ''an''imation when they are critically hurt or starving. This serves the purpose of conserving a mortally wounded marine until his body is recovered and healed by apothecaries. So each time you remove a marine model on the tabletop, chances are (fluff-wise) it has entered sus-an, rather than died. In fact, on most campaigns that's what happens to your characters. It should be noted, marines cannot leave suspended animation state at will, and can only be "awakened" through the use of specific drugs.
# The '''Melanochrome''' implants into the lymph nodes, and makes Space Marine skin like transition lenses: it darkens in response to radiation, rapidly producing reinforced melanin that protects against both UV and gamma. On the plus side, they tan really fast, but the fact that they pale right back up once they're inside armour (unless they are [[Salamanders]]) is not that great.
# The '''Oolitic Kidney''' detoxifies their blood, like their regular kidneys, but this one does it really fast. Also, it controls some of the other organs' hormones. As a result, Space Marines are unaffected by most poisons short of what the [[Dark Eldar]] or [[Tyranids]] can produce. It also means they can't get drunk, though the Space Wolves found a way around that by creating Mjöd, an extremely toxic drink made of local plants of Fenris, that temporarily neutralizes the Oolitic kidney's ability to filter toxins. Another organ which ceases to work on the tabletop, as Space Marines have absolutely identical reactions to Poison as ratlings, ogryn, and standard humans. Of course, considering that the poisons you find on the tabletop are Tyranid, Dark Eldar, and Nurgelitle shit, we can probably write this one off. Also, in some fluff, it saves the bearer from poison by causing them to enter a sort of super-metabolic coma during which they burn off any toxins while unconscious and feverish—so, much like with the sus-an membrane, it allows you to say that any of [[Your Dudes]] taken out by Poison effects are just temporarily disabled.
# The '''Neuroglottis''' implants into the upper nasal passage, drastically improving both smell and taste; lets a Space Marine identify chemicals and track adversaries by taste. Blood-hound much? Apparently, the Space Wolf version of this is so good that they designed a special Wolf Helm that lets them use their sense of smell even when fully armored, and is also why they otherwise avoid helmets as much as possible (and definitely not just so that they can [[Blood Claw|gel their hair into giant crests]] and/or [[Logan Grimnar|grow chest-length Santa beards]]).
# The '''Mucranoid''' gives Space Marines super-sweat that protects them from heat and cold, and can even be hardened into a vacuum-proof shell. Remember that awesome scene where Guilliman boxes Word Bearers in space? Yep, he did it while covered in that thing.
# The '''Betcher's Gland''' gives them acid spit, which is probably the only bonus for going to combat [[Helmet#Helmets_and_Faces|without a helmet]]. The acid within varies depending on the source, from simply reacting only to organic tissue to fully dissolving ceramite. Some Chapters, such as the [[Blood Angels]] and the [[Iron Snakes]], consider using the Betcher's Gland in combat to be [[Derp|dishonourable]]. Technically, the acid spit is just a fringe benefit of the gland’s true purpose—allowing marines to chew through everything from tough xenos carcasses to prison bars. In any event, Space Marines on the table-top do not have access to acidic spit, unlike e.g. Tyranids. (Or maybe they do; space marine ancients get a lot of attacks for someone with their hands full.)
# The '''Progenoids''' provide no benefit to the Space Marine, but are universally considered the most important organs, as they are the keys to making more of the organs above. Each Space Marine starts with two, one in the neck and one in the chest, and they are removed after their death. The neck-based progenoid is ready for harvesting five years after implantation, while the chest-based progenoid is ready after ten. Each harvested progenoid is a bunch of DNA and chemical stuff, that, when implanted in a suitable environment, grows into more organs. Chapters that took severe losses and could not reclaim the gene-seed of their brothers basically take random people with an affinity to the Astartes gene-seed (or vat-grown bodies similar to the ones they use for Servitors), implant them with all space marine organs, wait ten years, and slaughter them to harvest the gene-seed. Sometimes, the term "gene-seed" is taken to refer to these glands specifically.
# The '''Black Carapace''' interfaces a Space Marine with his [[Power Armour|armour]], making them effectively one being. It also serves as back-up armour, providing a level of protection similar to a flak jacket, in case a marine somehow ends up [[Adeptus Custodes|running around naked]]. [[Scout|Space Marine Scouts]] don't have this yet, because of the [[Codex Astartes]], and it's noted as the only one of the original organs that ''has'' to be implanted whole rather than potentially grown inside the neophyte as a germ-seed (a la [[Blood Angels|Insanguination]]). They don't get it (and thus an expensive suit of power armor) until they've spent a decade or more in a Scout Company. Tyranids nicked this for their tyrant guard, which makes you think how did the foot-slogging hive tyrants survive anything beforehand. As clearly established by how humans perform in Power Armor, this organ does nothing on the table-top; Sisters of Battle, for example, get just as much (or more - they can lift a lascannon by themselves, unlike humans in mere carapace armour) benefit from Power Armor as Space Marines do. The Deathwatch RPG explained it as allowing a “Size (Huge)” Space Marine in Power Armor to not suffer any movement penalties—which does seem impressive if you’ve ever seen someone in craft foam Astartes armor trying to hobble around.
#The '''Canis Helix''' is not an organ, but considered nonetheless to be part of the gene-seed; it appears to be a genetic cocktail brewed by the Wolf Priests of the Space Wolves, and while it induces a level of mutation beyond that seen in any other chapter, Russ' gene-seed organs appear to have a 100% rejection rate in humans who do not first take the cocktail.

===Primaris Organs===

{{Main|Primaris Marines}}
After [[Roboute Guilliman]] told [[Belisarius Cawl]] to make a next generation Space Marine, he ended up creating Marines that had an enhanced version of the Astartes Gene-Seed, which contained an extra three organs (possibly due to taking elements of the [[Adeptus Custodes|Custodes]] or even the Primarch creation process). While some have expressed concern of the project, some due to worries about how some of the mutations of some of Chapters with more exotic mutations and some due to the belief that the Emperor's work shouldn't be tampered with, Cawl claims that the Primaris Gene-seed is more stable than the regular Astartes gene-seed, with an estimated deviancy of .001% per generation. How true this claim might be is up for debate, but Cawl has created Space Wolves successor chapters that haven't immediately turned into Wulfen so it may have some truth in it. It's also worth noting that Cawl did ''something'' to make the Primaris Marines physically incapable of turning traitor. Guilliman's internal monologue in Dark Imperium reveals that he considers it an impossibility for Primarines to turn, unlike "the old breed". This has interesting implications about whether or not the Primaris marines truly have free will.

As of recent fluff updates/leaks, the new organs are as follows.

# The '''Sinew Coils''' essentially modify the muscle strands and makeup of the Primaris Marines, buffing their pecs and biceps to the 10th degree. Whilst one would assume it would resemble something from [[Wat|Inspector Gadget's coil legs]], the truth is....[[Derp|it is pretty much like that in function.]] These are reinforced coil-cables made of durable supermetals that are capable of contracting with incredible strength, making Primaris stronger and tougher than others. Even outside of their power armor, swinging a sword at a Primaris might just bounce off his hot and sweaty muscles because of these coil cables, and it amplifies his strength to the point where he can crush a human skull with his bare hands or bite through metal cable like it were jerky.
# The '''Magnificat''' may sound a [[Derp|bit lame,]] but its function is actually what makes the Primaris 'bigger, better, faster and stronger' then regular Astartes. It produces a mix of hormones that greatly enhance the effects of all of the other genetically engineered organs that float around in the Primaris. So every Primaris gets more bang for his genetic buck. Intriguingly, it's stated to be only half of another super-organ dubbed the '''Immortis Gland''' originally made for the Primarchs, but Cawl was only able to find the materials and genetic blueprints needed to make the right half; the information needed to make the left half had seemingly been erased. The function of the complete Immortis Gland is unknown, but given that its other name is "The God-Maker" and the fact that only the Primarchs are known to have the organ, it stands to follow that it is likely what amplifies their abilities to the level of demigods.
# The '''Belisarian Furnace''' is an organ that is named after [[Belisarius Cawl|the Galaxy's least humble Archmagos.]] This one is a last-chance fail-safe kind of thing. The Belisarian Furnace is an organ that activates when a Primaris is on death’s door, giving them a great burst of super-adrenaline (not the actual term) and boosted regeneration, but helping to keep them alive even at great cost, so that a Primaris can take out as many of the enemy as possible even as his flesh and bone rapidly regrow themselves. This allows fan-fic writers to create Hollywood-esque 'final pushes' without making it look stupid, which should make for some amazing last stands. It also appears to be vital for the Rubicon Primaris procedure intended to convert existing Space Marines into Primaris Space Marines, as the procedure temporarily kills the subject in its current form.

===Implantation===
Not everyone is compatible with implantation; potential candidates are screened for tissue compatibility, and kept young, as being post-pubescent has a marked increase in the tissue rejection rate (and being actually ''elderly'' makes it even worse); even so, not all candidates survive the implantation process. The Great Crusade era had inductees from a variety of ages, possibly because there were more resources, candidates, and understanding of the tech to compensate for failure rates. Back then a one-in-two success after screening was considered pretty good. These days the screening is insanely brutal amongst Loyalist chapters, with most aspirants dying before being even considered for implantation, but the success rate is accordingly much higher. Youths are also still preferred post-Heresy as they are easier to mould and condition into loyal Marines than teens or young adults.

One of the most obvious limits of their design is that the Emperor never solved the problem of making them compatible with female hosts (although some argue that this was deliberate as a way of ensuring that Space Marines could not breed true, nobody can be entirely sure), so the very first screening step is usually by sex. Furthermore, not all organs can be implanted at once, as some prepare the body for others, and the body needs time to adapt to and accept the implants. The maximum speed process has been described in the fluff as taking around 6 years and assuming the soon-to-be Marine will be a Primaris is:

# If you are the Space Wolves, the Canis Helix.
# Secondary Heart, Ossmodula (bone growth), and Biscopea (muscle growth).
# Sinew Coils (tendon/ligament reinforcement), Magnificat (enhances all other geneseed organs), and Belisarean Furnace (combat stimms, attaches to hearts).
# Haemastamen (improved red blood cells) and Larraman's Organ (improved platelets).
# Catalepsean Node (brain implant: sleep like a dolphin).
#*If this is an actual Space Marine, begin hypnotherapy/brainwashing only ''after'' this implant.
# Preomnor (gullet), Omophagea (flatworm stomach), and Multi-lung (third lung).
# Occulobe (improved visual cortex).
# Lyman's Ear (replacement outer, middle, and inner ear).
# Sus-an Membrane (brain implant: self-induce coma).
# Melanochrome (lymph implant for radiation resistance).
# Oolitic Kidney (enhanced liver/kidney) and Neuroglottis (improved inner nose).
# Mucranoid (secretable space suit).
# Betcher's Gland (extremely acidic saliva).
# Both Progenoids (for reproduction).
# Black Carapace (for improved power armour compatibility).

The largest time gap between implants is between the Betcher Glands and the two last ones on the list, and by that time the Marine already serves as a Scout. Once he is deemed physically and mentally ready, he will recieve the Progenoids and the Black Carapace that turns him into a full-fledged (Primaris) Marine.

The Rubicon Primaris most likely entails the implantation of the three Primaris gene-seed organs past the normal time that gene-seed would normally be implanted, though the specific order of implanting in this scenario is currently unknown.

===Tabletop Effect===
Most of the organs have no visible effect in the game, at least if the in-game rules are an indication; here are how the organs seemingly manifest (or not). For some reason, Space Marines aren't any faster at running than an unaugmented human and are slower than fast humans, such as Sisters of Silence. Most likely, this lack of impact is either for balance purposes or because it can't be properly represented using in-game means.

*Has an effect, at least in aggregate:
**Secondary Heart, Ossmodula, Biscopea, Haemastamen, Larraman's Organ, Multi-Lung, Oolitic Kidney, Mucranoid: +1 Strength and Toughness, relative to a normal human.
**Sinew Coils, Magnificat, Belisarean Furnace: +1 Wound, +1 Attack, can only be wounded on a 4+ (1CP strat activation).
**Catalepsean Node + Hypnotherapy: And They Shall Know No Fear, +1 Ld.
**Progenoids: These are given as the reason an Apothecary loses his turn if he fails a resurrection roll, as he is busy collecting them.
*Effects limited to fluff:
**Occulobe: Mostly ignored; with or without his helmet on, most Space Marine's vision is never considered any better than an unaugmented humans, even when distance or lack of light are explicitly causing vision problems. It may however be a reason why some Space Wolves get the 'acute senses' rule.
**Lyman's Ear: Demonstrably ignored under the 8th edition rules; Space Marines behave exactly like unaugmented humans when exposed to sonic weaponry, when needing to notice things they can't see, or when in need of balance. In previous editions, this would presumably have contributed to a higher Initiative stat.
**Neuroglottis: As noted above with the Lyman's Ear, as this would predominantly serve to supplement that, given some tabletop rule for Space Marines actually having improved senses which only the Space Wolves have.
**Melanochrome: Demonstrably ignored; Space Marines respond to photonic radiation (usually provided by the Adeptus Mechanicus) exactly like unaugmented humans do.
**Black Carapace: Demonstrably ignored; many human factions have access to Power Armour, particularly Sisters of Battle, and none have ever been shown to be even slightly more encumbered by Power Armour than Space Marines are.
**Preomnor, Omophagea, Sus-an Membrane, Mucranoid, Betcher's Gland: These have no in-game effect, but would typically not be expected to, as a Space Marine with his suit on and participating in a battle would not have call to use them, although the Betcher's Gland could be implemented as a very, very short range weapon, in principle.
*Alternate Take: The Occulobe, Lyman's Ear, and Neuroglottis could grant the +1 Initiative marines enjoy(ed prior to 8th). The Melanchrome also likely adds to toughness.

== Gene-seed vs. Genetic Engineering ==

A lot of people (including, it must be admitted, Games Workshop itself) often think of gene-seed as a genetic modification program, but this is inaccurate. Gene-seed does fall under the blanket of [[Fleshcrafting|"bio-enhancement" or "bio-engineering"]]—that is, the augmentation of the physical form. However, gene-seed is based on the physical implantation of artificially designed and engineered organs, whereas genetic engineering would modify the DNA of the aspirants to naturally develop the various traits. In essence, Space Marines are what [[Rifts]] would call "bio-borgs": organisms biologically modified by artificial biological implants. Fleshy cyborgs, essentially. This is an important difference, as it allows the Space Marines to wriggle around that pesky "thou shalt not modify the holy human form" law of the Imperium. From a genetic standpoint, a Space Marine is probably closer to human than most [[abhuman]]s are, and so they fulfill the letter of the law (if not its spirit - but hey, the Emperor made the rules, so he can break them as much as he wants, 'cause he's the motherfucking Emperor). It also has the side effect of making sure that Astartes can't breed true-ish (assuming they can breed, a point GW can't ever make up their minds on, any children they had would be more likely compatible for geneseed then a baseline human but by themselves would not be space marines, just more likely to be able to be), and thus will always have to rely on baseline humanity rather than replace it, just in case they start getting too big for their transhuman britches.

*'''Note:''' Like Mitochondria (the powerhouse of the cell), the implanted organs carry ''their own DNA'', cloned from the Primarchs, thus turning the marines into [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chimera_(genetics)#Humans chimeric humans]. So yes indeed, bio-borgs, but ones that show characteristics of DNA foreign to the host's body. Example: is there a specific organ that gave Sigismund "a patrician face that echoed the same austere lines as his liege lord, Rogal Dorn"? Let us be reminded, Sig was terran, and Dorn grew up on another planet (he was made by the Emperor in a Petri dish, does that count as being born on Terra too?). Who knows what he looked like when he was mortal, he now looks like a son of Dorn. In fact, most Astartes end up looking similar to their parent Primarchs, like Horus "little Horus" Aximand looking like Horus "fucking Horus" Lupercal. Of course, this is because GW thinks it is bioengineering, but at least it's "Human Chimeras" instead of "Humans with [[Space Wolves|furry creatures]]", that'd be Heresy, right Emps?
**<span style='color:gold;font-size:300%'>'''RIGHT'''</span>
**As it happens, for Sigismund, the answer is yes—the Ossmodula would alter the shape of his skull, and the Biscopea the arrangement of his facial muscles—but the fact remains that GW routinely treats gene-seed as if it were gene therapy, rather than implants.
**This cloned DNA is also why every body freaks out over gene seed stocks from the fallen primarchs in case their geneseed has some flaw that increased its susceptibility to chaos.

== The Tithe and New Foundings ==

As part of the deal in Guilliman's [[Codex Astartes]], the Astartes were afforded almost complete autonomy from the [[Administratum]], which means they don't have to pay Imperial Taxes '''except''' for a tithe of 5% of their gene-seed which they must send to Mars.

This has a few important purposes:
# To monitor the genetic purity of the Space Marine Chapter as a whole and make certain a chapter is not suffering heretical mutations.
# To create new foundings of Space Marines whenever the High Lords of Terra deem it appropriate to do so.
# To act as an emergency reserve of gene-seed in the unlikely event that the Chapter's existing gene-seed stocks are lost or tainted.

Note that even though the Adeptus Mechanicum will have stockpiles of a chapter's genetic material, it is not frequently used as a contingency for a space marine chapter if things get a bit hairy. Several times in the fluff a Chapter has faced extinction due to high losses ''(see [[Black Consuls]], [[Celestial Lions]], [[Lamenters]], [[Marines Errant]], [[Scythes of the Emperor]] yadda yadda yadda)'' but they'd never thought to ask Mars for their gene-seed back. The only known instance of it happening is in the 8th Edition Death Guard Codex, where the [[Minotaurs]] were forced to undergo a mission to Mars when a Death Guard assault on their fortress-monastery resulted in the poisoning of their gene-seed stocks, but the Minotuars are basically the High Lords personal beat stick against other marines so perhaps this is special treatment.

It's also a bit uncertain how chapters with particularly negative defects manage to keep their genetic condition concealed, if the government has access to their core materials. [[Black Dragons|Some chapters]] get around it by sending only the "purest" gene-seed to Mars and so come out of the inspection smelling of roses, but when the condition is widespread (as it is with the [[Blood Angels]]) it probably only highlights how little the Mechanicus actually understand about the Emperor's work. (Things might perhaps change now that [[Belisarius Cawl|Cawl]] is back, though.)

It's also important to note that each chapter's gene-seed is kept in isolation. i.e: Just because a chapter claims ''descent'' from the [[Ultramarines]] does not actually make their gene-seed the same as their forefather. It's basic evolutionary biology that when a population splits and develops elsewhere it starts forming its own traits advantageous to its circumstances and environment. Hence the [[Mortifactors]] gene-seed will largely be very different from the [[Howling Griffons]], despite sharing a common ancestor. So rather than being genetic "brothers" as they would be ''within'' a chapter, different Space Marine chapters sharing a lineage would be more like nephews or cousins.

When the time comes around to found new chapters, the adepts will look for favourable traits that they want to replicate, although the Ultramarines are cited as being the most utilised source for new foundings, thus any new chapter of Ultramarine descendants would likely be second generation Ultramarines and be quite close to their forefather genetically at least until the chapter adapted to its founding homeworld or particular circumstances. But that doesn't prevent those descendants themselves from being used as templates in later foundings, so after several generations you could end up with something completely different from the original baseline stock.

== Mutation ==

As each new set of gene-seed comes from a Space Marine, requires many years to mature, and many more to be used, there is a lot of room for things to go wrong. This is especially true when desperate circumstances (the impending [[Great Crusade]], or a Chapter being dangerously under-strength) cause Space Marines to skimp on the safety checks and wait periods in order to accelerate Chapter growth. Over the millennia, many flaws have found their way into into the gene-seeds of each Legion, and some of their successors have even more - mutations typically get worse as you make copies of copies. Further mutations have been introduced, of course, in foundings featuring heavy tampering by the Adeptus Mechanicus (see the discussion of the 21st founding, below).
Also one should bear in mind that Legions and Primarchs were artificially engineered to fill different niches, so some of these might be not acquired mutations, but deliberately added quirks to better fit in their roles.
<div style="margin-left:1em;">
===No Known Mutations===
<div style="margin-left:1em;">
==== Dark Angels (I Legion) ====
{{Main|Dark Angels}}
No defects, unless you consider their <s>rampant paranoia and secrecy</s> STAUNCH LOYALTY AND HONOUR as such. Ties with Ultramarines for "most stable source", so the limited number of Dark Angels successors is usually put down as the [[Inquisition]]'s limited knowledge of the [[Fallen Angels]]. That and the fact that due to successor chapters often working with/take orders from the Dark Angels has lead to the Inquisition to fear the Angels and successors to be <s>"[[Astral Claws|legion building]]"</s> THE MOST LOYAL CHAPTERS DUE TO THE PURITY OF THEIR GENE SEED. Although that would be more credible if they had ever been anything less than a Legion.

==== Iron Hands (X Legion) ====
{{Main|Iron Hands}}
* ''No defects.''
* Noted predilection towards machinery and a disdain towards flesh.

And just to make sure, if there are any, they follow the Bible's advice on offending organs and replace them with holy machinery instead. Would probably be a very desirable source for new chapters if not for the absolute devastation they suffered in the [[Drop Site Massacre]] leaving them barely recovered millennia later and needing all the gene-seed they can get for themselves. Because, you know, even though there has been more than enough time for more than twenty other foundings of whole, brand new chapters, and some of those foundings likely making new foundings of their own, the Iron Hands still haven't had enough time. It also doesn't help how they tend to be total pricks at times. [[Nova Terra Interregnum|Or to have internal disagreements on policy so hard]] [[FAIL|'resolving' them]] [[Sons of Medusa|had Chapter-splitting consequences]]. which does not help building up Marines/gene-seed reserves, and gets you overlooked even more when the Mechanicus is deciding on whose reserves to use for the next Founding.

Alternate take: You need causalities that don't destroy the body entirely to harvest geneseed, or you need to implant it into clones, both of which are unlikely for a chapter that uses augmentations with power supplies that explode like melta bomb and that abhors even the organic parts of their own servitors. No new gene-seed, no new mutations.

==== World Eaters (XII Legion) ====
{{Main|World Eaters}}
I know what you're thinking, but it's caused by an additional cybernetic implant - the ''Butcher's Nails'' - rather than anything in the gene-seed itself. While not ''technically'' part of their gene-seed, it has been carried on as a tradition by all the "successors" that resulted from the Legion's fracturing after the [[Battle of Skalathrax]]. Hell, they were known to be total bros before all the trouble with nails. And now they are little more than [[Kharn|Teamkilling Fucktards]].

Khorne might have given them one blessing though, a sort of extra lives cheat code… But they are limited and are only earned by participating in the arenas.

==== Ultramarines (XIII Legion) ====
{{Main|Ultramarines}}
*''No official defects.'' Considered the most stable and preferred source of gene-seed for new Foundings.
**Due to a lack of any real interesting or identifying traits in and of itself, discussions for reclassifying the Ultramarine gene-seed from the most stable source to the most generic source were in the works. These talks were surreptitiously shut down by [[Who Watches Them|Inquisitor Warden]] for offending his sensibilities.
**Also worth noting is that the Ultramarines, in one of their bro-iest moves, "adopted" a fair number of loyalists from traitor legions after the heresy. There is no real way of telling if an Ultramarines "successor" might be from the relatively stable stock of World Eaters or Iron Warriors. In most cases only a single high-ranking [[Belisarius Cawl|archmagos]] knows the truth, so even the chapter itself (except possibly the command and the eldest brothers) is in the dark about its history.

==== Death Guard (XIV Legion) ====
{{Main|Death Guard}}
*Emphasis here is on ''known'' mutations - there's no actual evidence of Death Guard gene-seed having any problems at all, because we've never gotten any fluff covering any attempts to use the gene-seed from a Death Guard, even though one would assume they'd have the most deeply fucked up Progenoids of any Legion.

Pre-heresy, the Death Guard had a much stronger constitution than most Legions, leading to their role as the toxic environment specialists. Post-heresy, however, the Death Guard are so diseased that implanting Aspirants seems more or less impossible - however, there have been new Death Guard legionaries who are not defectors from other Legions or renegade Chapters, apparently made with the gene-seed reclaimed by the [[Plague Surgeon]]s. How it functions still, no one knows, though we suspect it has something to do with [[Nurgle]] and that he has necromantic powers of sorts, who can raise his fallen disciples back from the dead.

The most overwhelmingly likely explanation is, however, the Death Guard simply jacking loyalist gene-seed from fallen loyalist astartes and loyalist gene-seed stockpiles and using it to create new recruits, as '''every single Traitor Legion with tainted, unusable geneseed does this.''' As per LoS, appears to be a mixture of both, likely depending individually on each Death Guard members level of disease and mutation, supplemented by stolen and possibly altered loyalist gene-seed (see Plague Surgeon).

==== Alpha Legion (XX Legion) ====
{{Main|Alpha Legion}}
<s>No such Legion exists, therefore no such gene-seed exists.</s>
*Were you really expecting ''known'' mutations, or anything else, from this Legion???

In all seriousness; like much of the Alpha Legion, we don't know all that much about their gene-seed. Whatever idiosyncrasies or flaws they have are kept under very tight lock and key. And with their nature of running as individual operatives in and out of the [[Eye of Terror]], to what degree their gene-seed is tainted by the Warp or other means varies from Marine to Marine. Though their knack for secrecy, paranoia, and tendency to subvert the enemy instead of direct combat is probably a notable trait. Outside of occasional Warp-corruption, we ''assume'' it's possibly one of the most stable gene-seeds, probably as much as the Imperial Fists or Night Lords. Something of note; they often use any mutations that they have as a scare tactic, hiding them and then revealing them on the battlefield in order to shock the opponent.
They also use hypnosis and deep-indoctrination more than other chapters, so they may have an altered sus-an and/or catelapsean.
Sometimes it's implied they all look alike (like Alpharius) but sometimes this is said to be due to ''surgical'' alterations, but it could be that the gene-seed does more to alter their appearance than normal, like the Sons of Horus and this is further supplemented by surgery. It's also said that some Alpha Legionnaires tended to be noticeably taller than most Space Marines, large enough to pose as either Alpharius or Omegon. This, combined with their unusually short Primarchs and their tendency to look alike, seems to suggest that this was intentional, either by the Legion themselves picking only notably large aspirants or by the Emperor fully leaning into the Legion's whole "smoke and mirrors" theme.

===Minor Mutations===
These chapters may have cosmetic or easily-fixed mutations.

==== Emperor's Children (III Legion) ====
{{Main|Emperor's Children}}
* Implicitly defective and/or enhanced Lyman's Ear, and possibly Occulobe and Neuroglottis.
** An accident (non Chaos or other enemy action related) during the early days of the raising the Legions resulted in only two hundred Space Marines of the III Legion by the time the Emperor found [[Fulgrim]] and Chemos, forcing the Emperor's Children to work alongside the [[Black Legion|Luna Wolves]] for the early decades of the Great Crusade; due to Fulgrim's high standards of perfection being passed on the Legion's [[Apothecary|apothecaries]], Emperor's Children Aspirants had to be nothing less than physically perfect, resulting a largely stable gene-seed, including forbidding psykers to join the ranks. By the 41st millennium, however, the Emperor's Children's gene-seed is fucked up beyond all reason. Millennia of drugs from both inside and outside the Warp have damaged it greatly. While the relatively few sane [[tech-priests]] left and [[Dark Mechanicus]] working with them can and do make new Marines (thus proving their Marines can and do make new gene-seed), the chemical and other material abuse render each generation even crazier. Even before the Heresy, they were more sensitive to external stimuli, like sound, implying a defective Lyman's Ear with reduced ability to filter out sounds the Marine doesn't want to hear, and potentially similarly defective Occulobe and Neuroglottis.
*Initially gene-seed was corrupted and produced super-cancer at some point, but after Fulgrim's return the rotten batch was discontinued.

==== Iron Warriors (IV Legion) ====
{{Main|Iron Warriors}}
* Implicitly defective Ossmodula
* Implicitly enhanced Progenoids:
** They have the lowest gene-seed rejection rate, which enables them to replenish their huge number of casualties with an even higher number of recruits.
** Minor Ossmodula mutation ''sometimes'' causes limbs to twist and deform as the marine grows really old (we're talking hundreds of years to millennia) - this is usually dealt with by replacing limbs with bionics, or cutting them off and placing the cripple into a Dreadnought, Helbrute, or some weird custom made dreadnought-esque walker, since due to their specialty and organization only high-ranking officers can survive for so long, and they surely ain't going to suffer from the "Crazed" rule.
** Below average resistance rate to Bionics.

Especially noteworthy for the Iron Warriors considering they reside in the Eye Of Terror, there has been little mutation in their gene-seed as well. Those that do suffer mutation simply replace their mutated limbs with cybernetics. However, there may be some unknown issue which caused them to be afflicted with the [[Obliterators|Obliterator Virus]] (or was it they who made it? It's been confirmed Perturabo and Mortarion worked together on the obliterator virus) More easily - the first ones originated from them.

However, this is rendered null by the fact they are the [[/d/|sick]] [[Honsou|fucks]] behind the [[Daemonculaba]]. Due to its nature, the women themselves may have the gene-seed organs implanted (among other things), or at least the DNA required to be able to quickly grow the organs into a child stuck in their wombs. While the poor, innocent, scared kid inside can become a skinless abomination/mutant, they will normally emerge a genetically stable, gene-seed uncorrupted [[grimdark|skinless adult SPHESS MAHREEN with the mind of that same scared child]]. Suffice to say, this is a sick way of getting to [[Female Space Marines|FEMALE SPHESS MAHREENS]], and is [[Extra Heresy|DOUBLE HERESY]].

==== Luna Wolves/Sons of Horus (XVI Legion) ====
{{Main|Black Legion}}
* Implicitly defective Ossmodula, causing increased cosmetic similarity to their Primarch.
* Implicitly defective Biscopea, causing increased cosmetic similarity to their Primarch.

No real defects, but the tendency for members to look more like their [[Horus|Primarch]] is more pronounced (and possibly more frequent) than it is for members of other legions to resemble their own respective Primarchs. "Little Horus" Aximand was the most notable example of this, but by no means the only one. This gives extra meaning to the "Sons of Horus" thing. In fact, before the Luna Wolves were renamed the Sons of Horus, Luna Wolves that resembled Horus in appearance were known as "Sons of Horus". Ten thousand years in the Eye of Terror has left the Legion's gene-seed more unstable. However, we do know that new Black Legionaries are inducted constantly (seeing as they are the primary generic Chaos Space Marines faction), so its a good bet a large part of theirs is still usable [[grimdark|and that generations of children for millennia to come will be torn away from their parents and families, unfortunate enough to live in the Eye Of Terror, to be inducted into the Legion.]] Furthermore, given that they frequently "recruit" from other chapters and legions with the only real requirement being loyalty to Abbadon, it's not always easy to tell which Black Legionnaires are descended from Horus and which are from other Primarchs, outside of the aforementioned lookalike business.

==== Word Bearers (XVII Legion) ====
{{Main|Word Bearers}}
* Implicitly defective Catalepsian Node.

The Word Bearers suffer a unique "quirk" in their gene-seed, resulting in a psychologically obsessive loyalty to something, be it a man, a religion, or even an ideal. The Word Bearers in turn thus have a much stronger sense of loyalty to their battle-brothers and Primarch than other Chaos Space Marines, helping them to maintain cohesion and avoid treachery, but this loyalty also borders on fanaticism. Otherwise, while given to some instabilities, they have been able to maintain strength.

It has been suggested that Word Bearers have an extraordinary amount of control, both mentally and physically, far more so than normal Astartes. It's been show in their ability to directly control the processes of their internal organs and is attributed as the reason why Word Bearer Diabolists are fairing so well against the Neverborn.

==== Salamanders (XVIII Legion) ====
{{Main|Salamanders}}
* Unique Melanchromic Organ, causing their skin to turn pitch black (so much so that it looks genuinely unnatural) instead of waiting for radiation to happen to fix it.
* Unique Occulobe, causing limited ability to see infrared emissions, referred to as "fire-sight". While not as potent as what an Auspex scanner would be capable of, it can be combined with specialized materials within armor and standards to produce decorations and tactical markings that only the Salamanders can see. This also gives them glowing red eyes, Which makes sense.
* Possibly altered Mucranoid - high degree of heat resistance.
* Possibly altered Biscopea or Lyman's Ear - tend to be somewhat slower moving than other marines, although sometimes it's blamed on the somewhat high gravity on Nocturne or the unusually methodical mindset of it's inhabitants, since they can still run at the same level as any other chapter. (Way back when, they had -1 Initiative.)

While slightly dysfunctional, their gene-seed is pretty stable. Would probably be, like the [[Iron Hands]], a common source of new chapters if not for, again, their extreme decimation during the [[Drop Site Massacre]]. They've since recovered, perhaps a little quicker than the Iron Hands (possibly due to being a little closer to the center and being able to evacuate more marines, As well as still having their Primarch at the time), and while they claim no official kinship with any successors, there are at least a couple of examples with similar unit markings and tactical dogma.

===Major Mutations===
These Chapters feature at least one problem as least as bad as missing an entire organ, scaling up to the worst issue, where they go World Eaters-level crazy without needing any implants to get there (Blood Angels and Space Wolves).

==== White Scars (V Legion) ====
{{Main|White Scars}}
* Tendency to do whatever they fancy.
* Unrestrained love towards doing [[PROMOTIONS|strange things]] to engines buffing their bikes and battleships to ride into battle while riding into battle.
* A defect called "Chogorian Savagery". This flaw appears in 2 stages:
** Stage 1 - A Moment Unrestrained: The Battle-Brother's discipline begins to slip and falter, allowing brief moments of untamed ferocity to emerge in the heat of battle. Often, the Battle-Brother will not even know that he is succumbing to this savagery, and it requires the presence of his brothers to warn him of his failure.
** Stage 2 - Suppressed Rage: Within the darkest reaches of the Battle-Brother's mind lurks the shadow of his rage and fury, seeking any opportunity to emerge, and causing the Battle-Brother to become belligerent and quick to anger.

===== Mantis Warriors =====
{{Main|Mantis Warriors}}
* Possibly Melanchromic Organ as all have green eyes and black hair of their Primarch.
* Malfunctioning Preomnor gland (possible explaining the cause of the gene-flaw of the other White Scars chapters)

Their mutation called "Battle Haze" causes their Preomnor gland to secrete a potent neuro-toxin that permanently changes the Astartes' physiology; the Space Marine is overcome by a feeling of the need for forgiveness for his many sins and shortcomings and a dramatically increased reverence for the Emperor; and increases his neurological reaction rate to that only achieved in near-precognitive states by most psykers and increases his already superhuman strength to a great extent. However, this physiological change is irreversible and the Astartes' sight becomes tunnelised to the point of no longer being able to notice anything in his field of view that is not a target or a foe. Much like the [[Death Companies]] of the Blood Angels, the Mantis Warriors organize Battle-Brothers who have been lost to the Battle Haze into specialized units called "Mantis Religiosa".

===== Destroyers =====
{{Main|Destroyers}}
* "Chogorian Savagery" turned up to 11. To the point even other White Scars question the stability of the Destroyer's geneseed. More evidence that the flaw stems for the gene-seed of the White Scars, and not from what population they are pulled from. Probably at least a bit psychological and genetic memory related, what with the most psychotic Scars forming this Chapter in the Second Founding.

==== Imperial Fists (VII Legion) ====
{{Main|Imperial Fists}}
* Missing Betcher's Gland (no acid spit).
* Missing Sus-an Membrane (no suspended animation).
* Possibly increased pain tolerance and/or a tendency towards masochism.

Despite missing two organs, the Imperial Fists gene-seed is considered to be amongst the most stable and most manly sources. It is the second most desirable source of gene-seed for Foundings. ''Second'' to the Ultramarines, of course.

===== The Excoriators =====
* A mutation with some similarities to the Blood Angel's Black Rage, known as "Dorn's Darkness.". The affected appear, to the untrained eye, as merely a wretched palsy: a slackness of the jaw, a tremor of the limb, a blankness of the eye. However, reports from the affected say the experience is a living nightmare, a sleeping wakefulness in which they relive the bottomless woe and paralyzing fear of Dorn's darkest moment: the moment he saw the Emperor near death after the battle aboard the ''Vengeful Spirit''. When effected by Dorn's Darkness, its victims cannot speak or communicate. They cannot feed themselves or take water and seem feverishly insensible to everything happening about them. Basically, if the Black Rage is unbridled [[RAGE]] unbound, Dorn's Darkness is crippling, ruinous depression.

===== Crimson Fists =====
* A mutation similar to Dorn's Darkness, known as "Only Honour In Death". The "curse" causes a massively increased willingness to fight to the last, holding their ground with a siege-like mentality which will see them triumph or die in the attempt the more foes that the Astartes faces, and the longer they are in combat, the more likely and stronger the curse becomes. The stubborn emotions making them feel the emotions much like what Dorn felt during the [[Iron Cage Incident]]. When succumbing to the "curse" the affected Battle-Brother sees only death: the death of their comrades, the death of the world, and the death of their foes. The curse is seen to come in three stages:
** Stage 1 - No Retreat. As the odds mount so does the Battle-Brother's stubborn refusal to retreat, seeing only the glory and honour in defeating such overwhelming foes if even the barest glimmer of victory remains. The Battle-Brother will even continue to fight, even if the Codex Astartes does not support that action, until there is no hope of victory left.
** Stage 2 - Suffer not Defeat. The Battle-Brother would rather die fighting than accept that he has failed. This can lead to reckless behaviour as he throws himself into the fray or takes on excessive odds to win when prudence and tactical reason would dictate he withdraw. Basically a mini-Black Rage
** Stage 3 - Unto Death. The Battle-Brother gains a fatalistic desire to sell his life for the cause and will choose to expend his own life for a chance at victory or the safety of his brothers. He has come to accept that perhaps only the cost of his own life will be enough to secure victory. This can have dire consequences should the circumstances present him with a chance to martyr himself for the Emperor and bring ruin to the enemies of the Imperium. This means he will fight on regardless of his wounds and continue to attack or place himself in the path of attacks even though the next blow could mean his end. He will also gladly accept suicidal or near-suicidal tasks.

==== Space Wolves (VI Legion) ====
{{Main|Space Wolves}}
They actually have two different implanted DNA sources: the second is the [[Canis Helix]], which makes them viking werewolves (long canines, tough skin, awesome sense of smell, animalistic [[RAEG]] in combat) or, if one is really unfortunate, into an ordinary werewolf ([[Furry|the ones they ride at that]]), and their super-unstable geneseed, which can't function without pre-implanted Canis Helix and has been found to be incompatible with any populace outside of Fenris. For the most part, they get around this by just founding tons and tons more Space Wolves than the [[Codex Astartes]] would normally permit, meaning that they ''still'' tend to have tons of chapters' worth of marines on call. Of particular note are the [[Wulfen]], who are Space Wolves who happened to be in the Warp for over ten thousand years. Instead of being mutated into [[Chaos Spawn|unmentionable gribbly beasts]], they managed to turn into literal werewolves with savage strength, meaning there's a possibility the gene-seed has a factor that lets them resist the influence of Chaos.

While many factions within the chapter are proud of how "potent" their gene-seed is, plenty of Space Wolves have constantly labored to stabilize their genome in order to found successors to cordon off the [[Eye of Terror]], and crusade against the [[Thousand Sons]], a plan called "the Sons of Russ." Once, [[Wolf Brothers|they got really close]], which [[Magnus the Red]] didn't like, so he took his Marines and bumped off the Wolf Priest in charge (and generally wrecked things for the Space Wolves), using some [[Tzeentch|Tzeentchian]] trickery to get an opening. In short, he [[gets shit done|got shit done!]].

===== Wolf Brothers =====
See Space Wolves above turned up to 11. As in the entire chapter devolved into werewolves.

==== Night Lords (VIII Legion) ====
{{Main|Night Lords}}
* Defective Occulobe (causing them to have black pupils & sclera, enhanced night vision but more sensitive to bright light.)
* Malfunctioning Melanchromic Organ (their skin is always pale and their eyes are always dark. Much like the Raven Guards.)
* Occasional visions of the [[grimdark]] future, even if not a psyker
The Night Lords are officially the most stable of the Traitor Legions, a trait often put down to the fact that they rarely dwell in the [[Eye of Terror]]. That, and they don't even like Chaos or the gods. What little mutations there are are usually upon their Sorcerers...what ones have survived do not have them anymore either. There is one defect on Curze's Geneseed, and that is the Occulobe defect, causing them to have black pupils & sclera, and astonishing sight in the dark, even more than a normal space marine. Although, there is a bad side of this effect: Light hurts their eyes like hell, and blinds them for a short time.
Also, Curze's gene-seed may have passed onto psykers within his Legion his "gift" of seeing the future in the worst way possible, and as scenarios that become self-fulfilling prophecies. In one case, it was found out that the Primarch's "gift" was actually the side effect of a marine's body slowly rejecting the gene-seed. Prior to receiving this gift, he never demonstrated '''any''' psychic capability. Even so, this situation is rare.

==== Blood Angels (IX Legion) ====
{{Main|Blood Angels}}
* Malfunctioning Omophagea implant (Occasional bouts of temporary [[Rip and tear|bloodthirsty, genocidal rage]], otherwise known as the [[Red Thirst]].)
** Occasional bouts of ''permanent'', [[Rip and tear|bloodthirsty, hallucinatory, genocidal rage]], better known as the [[Black Rage]].
* Extreme longevity.
Stable, but flawed. Prior to the [[Horus Heresy]], [[Sanguinius]] discovered that some of his sons were beginning to suffer the [[Red Thirst]], where they would descend into a thirst for blood, whether [[human]] or [[xenos]], in a blind rage. If that wasn't bad enough, as a result of Sanguinius's death at the hands of [[Horus]] imprinting itself on their genetic memory (or something), all Blood Angels and their successors have the [[Black Rage]]; a berserk rage where they [[Derp|believe themselves to be Sanguinius during his final battle]]. Meaning that he quite literally hit Sanguinius so hard that his grandchildren's-grandchildren's-ad-infinitum-children still feel it. Notable due to the age of the flaw it means that it does not register on genetic purity test since, as a first founding legion, any additional geneseed would be compared to an already 'tainted' baseline.

===== Angels Encarmine =====
* See the Blood Angels above, but with the Black Rage turned up to 10

===== Flesh Tearers =====
* See the Blood Angels above, but with the Black Rage turned up to 11.
* Also Red Thirst turned up to 10.

===== Knights of Blood =====
* See the Blood Angels above, but with the Black Rage and Red Thirst turned up to 12 (and the dial snapped off).
** It got so bad that they were declared renegade and not refounded after they sacrificed themselves to save the Flesh Tearers at Baal.

===== Blood Drinkers =====
* Malfunctioning Mucranoid (skin glands atrophy, causing the pores to close. Named the "Weaver" by the Blood Drinkers)
* See the Blood Angels above, but with the Red Thirst turned up to 10. Due to further mutation of the Omophagae implant.
* Black Rage turned down a notch, but this isn't genetic. The entire Chaplaincy is in on a Daemonic pact to reduce its impact.

===== Lamenters =====
* All the problems of Blood Angels (tho it took them longer to show).
* Being overly emotional sad sacks, but this is as justified as it gets because...
* Unlucky as all fucking hell. Best way to describe it is fate itself is just constantly giving them the middle finger.

==== Thousand Sons (XV Legion) ====
{{Main|Thousand Sons}}
* Increased chance of bringing out psychic powers, as well as amplified psychic power.
* Recipients subject to a high rate of mutation, called The Flesh Change; unstable.
The most unstable genome in the Space Marine legions, the Thousand Sons suffer from the Flesh-Change, a problem that caused Thousand Sons to mutate spontaneously. [[Magnus the Red]] fixed it, with some "[[Just as Planned|help]]" from [[Tzeentch]]. After the [[Horus Heresy]], the flesh-change came back with a vengeance. [[Ahzek Ahriman]] tried to fix it with his Rubric, and he did end up stopping the flesh-change... by turning all non-[[psyker]] Thousand Sons into dust; sorcerers also had their powers enhanced in addition to no longer suffering ill-effects from the Flesh-Change. So while theoretically, the Sorcerers of the long suffering Legion can provide gene-seed, in practice, it's corrupted so often that few will ever make new Marines. Thousand Sons specifically hunt for healthy and stable psyker boys to implant them with their oh-so-rare gene-seed to ensure the recipient would become a sorcerer. If "Masters, bidding!" TS character words to be trusted, Thousands Sons found a way to implant their progenoids into grown up men (so they can teach and test them for longer before implantation), and perform a scaled down Rubric on them to prevent the Flesh Change. According to Phil Kelly they also replenish their numbers by summoning back souls of destroyed Rubrics, and Magnus supposedly can bring back Sorcerers he isn't pissed off at, so gene-seed wouldn't matter much to them. It is known that Magnus the Red used his knowledge of Biomancy to turn his mentor Amon into an Astartes despite his old age, so its possible this technique was passed down to his Legion.

==== Raven Guard (XIX Legion) ====
{{Main|Raven Guard}}
* Malfunctioning Melanchromic Organ (their skin is always pale and their eyes are always dark. Anti-Salamanders, basically.)
* Missing Mucranoid (no super-sweat).
* Missing Betcher's Gland (no acid spit).
* Occasional bouts of suicidal rage (Luckily for them this is not permanent unlike a certain other chapter.)

While their primary gene-seed is decently stable, when under extreme stress a percentage Raven Guard warriors will lapse into bouts of suicidal rage known as Ash Blindness or Sable Brand. This is rarely permanent, but occurred with enough frequency that [[Corax]] would organize these warriors into the [[Moritat]]. Their missing and malfunctioning geneseed organs is a result of [[Corax]], out of desperation following the [[Drop Site Massacre]], delving into use of forbidden lore and archeo-tech from days long past to accelerate gene-seed maturation, and try to boost his Legion's numbers after their losses during the [[Horus Heresy]]. He was successful, until the [[Alpha Legion]] decided to make the whole project go FUBAR. The subsequent 'Marines', if they can be called that, were numerous, but were barely controllable monsters and/or would simply die off as a result of the extreme imbalances in their dispositions. Presumably, a few of them would even have functioning Progenoids, let alone usable gene-seed. Due to the law of averages though, at least a FEW would have had to been stable enough, and is being worked on secretly by the Raven Guard Apothecaries and associated [[Adeptus Mechanicus|Mechanicus]] Biologicans.
Otherwise, despite being pretty fucked up by the [[Drop Site Massacre]], they've mostly recovered (thanks in no small part to having the ''only'' loyalist Primarch to get away from the Massacre in one piece) and do still contribute to successors [[Death Spectres|here]] and [[Raptors (Chapter)|there]].

===== Raptors =====
* Same as the Raven Guard, except they have functional Bletchers Glands (making them more like [[Night Lords|another black-eyed / pale skinned gene-line]]).

===== Death Spectres =====
* Similar Melanchromic Organ as Raven Guard, though a specific shade of albino and their eyes universally glowing red (basically albino Salamanders).
** also gives them a 100% certain chance of alopecia. (They are genetically bald From the day they were born till the day they die)

==== Marines Errant (Ultramarines Successors) ====
* Suffer a psychological flaw called "Crusaders Call", which makes them unable to refuse the call for a crusade. This flaw manifests in three stages:
** Stage 1 - Unending Valour: The Battle-Brother has become filled with pride in the history of his Chapter's bravery and devotion and sees his own existence as a vital part of continuing its traditions. When his squad is required to do its duty he will make sure that it is carried out, squashing any doubt his fellow Battle-Brothers might have or any weakness they might show in the face of honour.
** Stage 2 - Duty through Sacrifice: True duty can only be proven in death or an equally potent sacrifice, a fact which is known to all true servants of the God-Emperor. The Battle-Brother knows that to prove himself he must be the one to stand in the way of the blade or shield his comrades from the blast, so that there can be no doubt about his devotion or his loyalty to the Emperor.
** Stage 3 - Lead the Charge: In boarding actions, the greatest honour goes to those first through the breech and first to face the foe. The Battle-Brother accepts that he must take this role as his honour demands it, and it is just another way to prove his courage and loyalty in the eyes of his peers. If there is a choice or a chance to lead a charge or be the first to face the enemy, the Battle-Brother must take it. Furthermore he will seek out such opportunities, volunteering for dangerous duties if they mean he will get to lead others into the fray. In combat, the Battle-Brother will also seek out the most dangerous or powerful-looking foes, even at the cost of ignoring closer or more pressing enemies to his brethren's tactical disadvantage.

==== Soul Drinkers ====
* Enhanced Omophagea organ (In addition to gaining the consumed creature's memories, the Soul Drinkers could also experience the creature's emotions during the events recorded in their memories as a result of their mutation). This is despite being a 2nd Founding chapter, such that their gene-seed shouldn't have had flaws like that. And the gene-seed was enhanced, not degraded....

==== Blood Ravens ====
{{Main|Blood Ravens}}
* A mutated Catalepsean Node - gives them perfect memory recall, but unable to enter REM (deep) sleep.
* Increased chance of bringing out psychic powers.
* Unknown mutation that increases psychic ability and occurrences.
* Small tendency towards mutations (hurr sounds like [[Thousand Sons|any other Legions]] we know of?).
* Horrendously massive tendency to develop kleptomania.
* The pores in their scalps secrete a substance not all too dissimilar to hair gel, often resulting in a higher tendency to develop hair-etical hair compared to other chapters.
** Alternatively, the pores on their scalps may prevent hair from growing altogether, giving the marine Astartes-pattern baldness. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZfvIg_M5yE It has been long thought to be a terrible weapon to behold.]
* Unknown mutation referred to as "unavailable voice actor syndrome" that results in their voices changing every few years.

==== Carcharadons ====
* Malfunctioning Melanchromic Organ (pale skin and black eyes like the Night Lords and Raven Guard)
* Mental deterioration called "Chill of the Void". This deterioration proceeds like a mini-version of what Konrad Curze went through as he became the Night Haunter. This deterioration occurs in three stages:
** Stage 1 - Coldly Formal: The Battle-Brother withdraws even more from the company of his colleagues, taking refuge in a chill and formal demeanour. In addition, the Battle-Brother tends to speak almost entirely in High Gothic when addressing a non-Carcharodon, although they can speak in Low Gothic if need be (but they really do not want to).
** Stage 2 - Merciless: The Battle-Brother does not tolerate any enemy, whether xenos, Heretic, or even fellow humans who may have been misled into rebellion against the Imperium's rightful rule. The Battle-Brother grimly executes any opponent he encounters, even if they have surrendered, possess valuable intelligence, or are not front-line combatants.
** Stage 3 - Silent as the Depths: The Battle-Brother withdraws almost entirely from interacting with others. He will not lead squads and will almost always carry out missions on his own.

==== Black Dragons ====
* Extreme Ossmodula defect. causes them to grow bone spikes all over. Including full on Wolverine type claws from their arms.
* moderate betcher’s gland defect. Their mouths, both inside and lips, are usually black in colouration. So too, their tongues, which taper to a sharp point like a dagger.
Also causes purple venom to be secreted from their teeth (which resemble fangs) and their tongue.

==== Flame Falcons ====
* Spontaneous combustion into warp fire.
* Increased abilities from said spontaneous combustion instead of horribly burning to death.

==== Minotaurs (21st Cursed Founding-type) ====
* '''ABSOLUTELY BATSHIT GOD DAMN ASSFUCK INSANE'''

These guys had....problems....big problems. They'd basically wipe their asses with any battle plans made by other Imperial forces, before bee lining it to the nearest horde of enemies (not bothering with any of that pussy shit like "recon", "intel", or "even bothering to look out the window at the enemy") and rushing into melee ranges to [[RIP AND TEAR]]. But, this doesn't apply to the original and current units. You see, the Minotaurs chapter have a good chance of actually being a cover to get a loyalist (they had missed out on the Heresy entirely due to their distant posting and spent the interim years unaware of the situation holding the frontier). Iron Warrior garrison unit rediscovered in the [[Great Scouring]] legitimized by the [[High Lords of Terra]]. See their article ([[Minotaurs]]) or the [[Traitor Legion Loyalists]] article for further details.

==== Sons of Antaeus ====
* Unknown mutation that makes them exceptionally durable and tough. To the point of easily being a match for the Death Guard (who are boosted by Chaos energies).

==== Storm Giants ====
* Unusually physically strong, even by Astartes standards. Speculated to be from a mutation or alteration in their Biscopea.

=== A Note On That Sick Fuck Fabius Bile ===

[[Fabius Bile]] is fucking insane. I mean shit, his labcoat is made of <strike>human</strike> ASTARTES skin - normally only [[Space Wolves]] and [[Night Lords]] wear clothing made of that stuff. While originally the Chief Apothecary of the Emperor's Children, he is now a freelancer. His goal even before the Heresy was to find and unlock the secret to the creation of the Space Marines. In the [[Warp]], he provides a valuable service to the Chaos Legion warbands and their auxiliaries of billions more regular Chaos humans - while often millions strong even now, the warbands still need to replenish their numbers. Considering how many die and how often they are away from any place where they can produce more, that's a lot. Even with slave raiding into the Imperium, child abduction both in and out, breeding centers (stop touching yourself), and many [[Daemonculaba|other creative ideas]], it's still not enough. Fabius provides services of human cloning, along with gene-seed production, among his many skills. As he is not a super-devotee of Chaos, the gene-seed he has and makes is some of the least corrupted found within the [[Eye Of Terror]]. Of course, he fucks this all up by hopping up his own warband's clones with the same psycho drugs and shit that make monsters out of men. Lore hints that his genetic tinkering is far more than we have been lead to believe - much of his 'changes' to even the standard human genome are genetic and now passable by both men and [[Female Space Marines|women]]. Even now, the Imperium is trying to hunt and eradicate what they call his '[[Twilight|New Men]]'. He also has access to a small quantity of what is alleged to be the blood of the Primarch Sanguinius. Why did he get that last part? To clone the Emperor. Never let it be said that this fuck, sick as he may be, lacks ambition.
</div>
<div style="margin-left:1em;">

===21st Founding ===
{{Main|21st Founding}}
Over the millennia, further mutations have afflicted the many Successor Chapters, but the 21st or "Cursed" Founding deserves a special mention, because a bunch of [[Adeptus Mechanicus|tech-priests]] decided that they wanted to try and fix the flaws, but failed so hard they actually created some new ones.

* Bursting into Flames: Yes, the [[Flame Falcons]] really were covered in fire. The Flame Falcons thought it was a blessing from the [[God-Emperor of Mankind]], but the [[Inquisition]] disagreed, and sent the [[Grey Knights]] to wipe them out.
* Bone Growths: Due to a malfunctioning Ossmudula, the [[Black Dragons]] suffer a bone solid growth to harden and extend from their forehead and forearms during times of stress. The ones on the forearm can be used as weapons against unarmored opponents, so they decided to coat them in adamantium. So in essence, they're space-Wolverine-after-the-bone-claws kind of guys. Issue is that this is a very visible mutation, and as this is the [[Grimdark|grim]][[Derp|derp]] Imperium, mutations from the sacred human form are EVUL, even if they are fucking awesome.
* Indestructibility: The [[Sons of Antaeus]] are much tougher than normal marines, and nobody knows why. Some speculate something about a super-reinforced skeleton, some say it's [[Nurgle]]'s doing, etc. The only real truth to it is that there's some sort of mutation present in the gene-seed.
* Bad Luck: The [[Lamenters]] chapter's modifications seemed to have fixed the Red Thirst and Black Rage, but as a trade off they seem to be cursed with some of the worst possible luck, essentially giving up the Khornate Curse for a Tzeentchian one. Many other chapters of the 21st Founding were also cursed with bad luck but the Lamenters are the only known ones that didn't get wiped out by it so that may say something about how badass they are.

=== A Note On Implant Organs/DNA Elsewhere ===

While the SPHESS MAHREENS are the most widespread users of artificial glands, organs, and such, they are not the only ones. [[Inquisitor]]s likely have access to organs or other artificial mutations they require thanks to their influence in the Imperium. Depending on what world they hail from and its beliefs, Imperial Guard regiments and PDF may also have artificial organs, or even whole new ones derived from millennia of mutations, which of course has certain advantages. Furthermore, Warp Exposure can result in a change of the functions of organs - a simple example of this is the [[Cadia]]ns, who nearly universally have powerful, violet colored eyes. [[Gland War Veteran|Gland Warriors]] were an [[Adeptus Mechanicus]] project to help legions of Guardsmen heading into battle against a [[Tyranid]] hive fleet. They were to do battle in an incredibly toxic and hard environment, and a variety of experimental organs and DNA strands were utilized - including organs that would secrete stims, painkillers, and various medical drugs, more powerful natural air filters, and the like. While only [[grimdark|three survived]] the whole campaign in the end, the AdMech was pleased and took the three to be debriefed.

It is also noted that Gene-seed can be decoded, but it requires eons of knowledge about biology, medicine, and so on. Only the Emperor or AdMech, with their advanced equipment, is able to do so (and even the AdMech couldn't fully work it out). The hard part is to decode the "impossibly complex" amino acid chains of the gene-seed (which FYI makes no sense, since DNA is encoded in nucleic acid base pairs, and amino acids are used to construct proteins but whatever) and extract the necessary information encoded within the Gland's stored zygotes. [[Thunder_Warriors|Arik Taranis]] was able to decode it in a dusty, old, half-broken lab—with a box of scraps—using the knowledge gleaned by just watching the Emperor work, and remade it to fit in his Thunder Warrior body.

[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]]
[[Category:Space Marines]]

Hammerfall Bunker

2021-04-25T13:18:16Z

2A02:1811:5185:DD00:4437:1569:764C:54A3:

[[File:HammerfallBunker.jpg|300px|right|thumb|Possibly the most out-of-character unit to ever come out of the Adeptus Astartes.]]

{{Topquote|Not only does it look incredible, but it’s tougher than grox-hide boots and armed to the teeth. Those side guns can be either heavy bolters or heavy flamers and the main weapon is a Hammerfall missile launcher, and in a move that will delight old-school fans, it comes armed with superfrag and superkrak missiles.|Quote from Warhammer Community. Boy, they sure love to jack themselves off, don’t they?}}
{{Topquote|Disclaimer: Not an actual bunker|Small print}}

Resembling more like a bunker from [[Blizzard|Starcraft]] than something out of the Adeptus Astartes (I know I know, [[Original character, do not steal|cue irony]]), the Hammerfall Bunker is a heavily weaponized, fortified emplacement used by Space Marines that is dropped from orbit to provide a beachhead or secure a landing zone. It is also a rarity in 40k in that it is one of the few structures that is faction specific and one of the few that actually ''fires back''.

It is also a relatively strange structure, given that [[Drop Pod]]s exist. While [[Cawl]] developing tech better than Big E himself could (or would be willing to) isn't new, presumably Drop Pods would always have sported guns worth a damn, or at least had doors that could reclose so its occupants could take shelter, were that appropriate to [[Space Marines|Space Marine]] doctrine and the realities of 30/40k combat.

Anyways, it is highly unlikely that the Hammerfall Bunker is automated, like the [[Tarantula Sentry Gun|Tarantula Turret]], as by definition a bunker's job is to contain occupants. So we must seriously contend that there are actual supersoldiers who want to hide in their hidey holes. [[Fail|So much for 'Cover is for the Weak'.]] Hell, speaking of which, there is no clear access port, so how the hell do these Primaris even get in and out in the first place? (Though in the first leak of this thing it was called a Drop ''Turret'' so who knows why every article calls it a bunker.)

If ever the Marines had a time to use their [[Chapter Serf|serfs]] (many of whom would have been Astartes had they passed their trials) for more than shining boots, this is that time (and crewing every vehicle and aircraft in the arsenal that isn’t exposed to fire).

== Crunch ==

Just so you know, [[Fail|the Hammerfal Bunker neither deepstrikes nor is it an actual bunker]]. It's basically a [[Drop_Pod#Deathstorm_Drop_Pod|deathstorm drop]] pod that doesn't deepstrike, because GW likes to pretend FW does not exist. Which it doesn't, see Legends.

Ranting and confusion aside, the Hammerfall Bunker is a pretty mean piece of ceramite. First, let us start with the secondary weapons. The Bunker allegedly comes equipped with ''eight [[Heavy Flamer]]s/[[Heavy Bolter|Bolter]]s'', two on each side of the Bunker, but the Defensive Array ability mentioned below calls it "Hammerfall Heavy Bolter array" and "Hammerfall Heavy Flamer array", Which means that yes the thing may have 8 heavy Flamers/Bolters, but mechanically there all treated as one weapon array. in either case this immediately makes Horde armies rethink their tactics in simply just swarming around the structure. Second, there is that notable [[Hammerfall Missile Launcher]] on top of the Bunker. The missile launcher can shoot either Superfrag or Superkrak missiles. Each of them has an impressive 72" range, with the [[Rape|Superfrag being a Heavy 2D6 S6, AP0, D1 Blast weapon]] whilst the [[Awesome|Superkrak is Heavy 2 S10, AP-2, D1d6]]. Its BS is unknown.

But wait! There's more! The Bunker has a special rule called '''Defensive Array'''. Each time it is your Shooting Phase, the Bunker's secondary weapons can target and resolve attacks against [[Rape|'''EVERY. ELIGIBLE. ENEMY. UNIT.''']] Each time it fires Overwatch, instead the Heavy Bolter array changes to Heavy 6 whilst the Heavy Flamer array changes to [[Anal circumference|Heavy 2D6.]] As if it had 8 of either weapon this would be a serious nerf, the implication is that it has ''one'' HBolter or HFlamer, with the rule just given dialing their rate of fire up to 3 and 3.5 on average against every unit in range. [[Dakka|That should end up being WAAAY more shots than a standard Heavy Bolter if your opponent brings MSU to the party.]]

[[Category: Warhammer 40,000]]

[[Category: Imperial]]

[[Category: Space Marines]]

[[Category: Primaris Marines]]

[[Category: Fortifications]]

{{Primaris Marine-Forces}}

Star Wars

2021-04-25T10:48:57Z

2A02:1811:5185:DD00:4437:1569:764C:54A3: /* The Books */

[[File:Star-Wars-Logo (1).jpg|center|500px|]]

{{Topquote|A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away....|Star Wars opening text}}
'''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_D0ZQPqeJkk/ Star Wars]''' is one of, if not ''the'', most influential media franchises of modern times, let alone its effect on science-fiction and fantasy. Indeed, among [[/tg/|nerddom]], it is challenged by only a few others, like [[Star Trek]] and [[The Lord of the Rings]].

The incredibly ardent fandom is spread worldwide and has a strong presence in popular culture. Many of the characters, like Darth Vader and Yoda, are iconic even to the general public. John Williams' score for the original trilogy is one of the best-known film scores of all time, right up there with greats like Jaws, Jurassic Park (also composed by John Williams), Indiana Jones (John Williams again!), Shrek, Harry Potter (there's a reason Hollywood often relies on John Williams for their soundtracks) and the Avengers. The universe has spawned numerous video games, hundreds of novels, multiple TV shows, one of the largest merchandising franchises ever, and, relevant to /tg/, a whole bunch of board, card, and roleplaying games.

It is also the current leading world source of [[Skub]].

==The Basic Concept==
Star Wars was originally a series of epic science-fantasy "space operas" that roughly followed the mythic cycle that's been around since Homer. They're set "a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away," [Note: this makes the entire series a fairy tale] where a mysterious life force called (reasonably enough) the Force permeates everything. This, in turn, can be wielded by certain people, giving them pseudo-magical abilities; thank the Emperor ([[Emperor|no, the other one]]) there were no Commissars in that universe. Those who use it for good become mystical, selfless warrior monks called Jedi, whereas those who use it for evil are ruthless, self-serving bastards called Sith. However, the Force must always be in balance, so any time the Sith arise to cause imbalance, the Jedi have to pull together and take them out to restore the natural order (so we are told in the prequels).

A financial, critical, popular and cultural H-bomb, these movies are basically the filter through which Generation X perceives the world... for better or worse.

The so-called Original Trilogy (made up of films IV through VI, released from 1977 to 1983) follows a young man named Luke Skywalker as he learns the ways of the Jedi. Meanwhile, the Rebel Alliance is fighting to end the oppressive Galactic Empire which Darth Vader, a Lord of the Sith, serves. The first movie tagged (in 1978) ''Episode IV: A New Hope'' posits that the military imperium holds the Emperor as figurehead leader of a Senate, soon to be abolished; as the movies continue, we learn that the emprah is secretly Vader's master. Luke's Rebel companions in Episode VI: Return Of The Jedi defeat the evil Emperor, but along the way Luke discovers who's his daddy - ME! Darth Vader! I'm yo daddy because I did this to yo mama. The third movie's novelisation, at last, names the emperor: "Palpatine".

In between we got an "<strike>Extended</strike>Expanded Universe", which LucasArts commissioned, and some leaks of variants of the movies' scripts. We learnt from the early drafts that "Starkiller" was the first floated name for Luke, that a "padawan" is an apprentice, and so on. We learnt from a ''RotJ'' leak that the Empire's base is <strike>Trantor</strike>Coruscant, a city over an entire planet. The canonical 1996 All-But-The-Movie multimedia ''Shadows of the Empire'' - which was naff despite being canon, you totally don't have to deal with it yourself, excepting Joel McNeely's soundtrack which was awesome - has scenes on Coruscant. The Expanded Universe goes far, far beyond just this; beyond what the movies demand as canon - as it should be, because by Aristotle we shouldn't need to assume facts not in evidence. As for all the masses and masses of extra lore here, see below.

The so-called Prequel Trilogy (made up of films I through III, released from 1999 to 2005) explained how Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader and how the Galactic Empire was established. This involves a lot of convoluted politicking in the Republic, which is then torn apart in the Clone Wars, where the Republic (with an army of clones led by the Jedi) fights against the Confederacy (with an army of robots led by [[Necrons|General Grievous]] and secretly controlled by the Sith). It was not as well received as the first trilogy, for reasons we'll talk about below.

There's also a so-called Sequel Trilogy (made up of films VII, VIII, and IX), which started in 2015 and picked up the story some three decades after the Emperor's defeat with a new generation of heroes taking on the remains of the evil Empire, which is a group of extremist former Imperials calling themselves the First Order. However, Episode VII aka ''The Force Awakens'', was directed by J.J. Abrams, who's mostly known for the [[skub|skubtastic]] [[Star Trek]] reboot and was widely criticized for ripping off Episode IV (the whole trilogy apes the original trilogy a lot but none as much as VII) and a [[Mary Sue]] protagonist. Meanwhile Episode VIII was written and directed by Rian Johnson who was a young director known for plot twists and genre experimentation on a handful of movies and television episodes that openly said he wanted to "subvert expectations" and make half of viewers dislike his work, then got pissed when half of them disliked his work. The result managed to fracture the Star Wars fanbase over issues of dull rehashing for VII and a whole laundry list of reasons for VIII (ranging from small ones such as it being too different, to major issues like half the movie being filler and the plot not even making basic sense), as well as those who still enjoyed them and very little common ground between the three groups. Abrams returned for Episode IX which got a mixed reception from both those who liked VIII and those who didn't.
General issue with the sequels is that there was no plan on what to do in each part of the trilogy and they came up with everything as they went along and it really shows. Thus it really feels like the whole trilogy lacks direction, as it was directed by two guys with conflicting visions, yet almost complete freedom to do what they wanted, including [[derp|undoing stuff done in the other guys movie]].

Finally, there are the so-called Anthology movies, standalone one-shots involving characters and plotlines that aren't a part of the main "Saga" films, except they kind of are. The first, Rogue One (2016), is an immediate prequel to Episode IV that follows those Rebel spies who stole the Death Star plans. The second film follows a young Han Solo and pals Chewie and Lando. <s>A third rumored one follows Boba Fett</s> Became a series.

There are also four separate TV series. The first one, ''Clone Wars'', was based on traditional animation, whereas the later one, '''''The''' Clone Wars'', was a weird 3D animation. They're both pretty good. There was also a terrible theatrical release that was basically just an advertisement for ''The Clone Wars'', but, since it's quite bad(hint: babysitting Jabba the Hutt's kid), nobody talks about it much. The third series is Disney's ''"Rebels"'' which is set between Episodes III-IV and it takes itself far less seriously than Clone Wars did, and is more of a homage to the original trilogy since not every character in the series is the owner of a lightsaber nor are they constantly talking about grown-up politics, senators and trade embargoes, which played a large role in the prequel trilogy and found their way to The Clone Wars as well. Finally there is Resistance, which only lasted two seasons (for comparison, Clone Wars lasted 7 and Rebels lasted 4) and wasn't particularly well received by the fans, largely due to general lack of interest in the [[fluff]] of the sequel trilogy.

And so, after voicing a Mandalorian character one time in an episode of Clone Wars, Jon Favreau’s ego boner couldn’t contain itself any longer and gave birth to the first live action Star Wars TV series, The Mandalorian - building on the Disney version of Mandalorians as a sort of [[Eldar Corsairs|weedy, neo space Viking]], which seems feeble when compared to the old EU version of Mandalorians, who were more like space [[Orks|Maoris]]. Still, it ended up being pretty good; good enough for Disney to go ahead with another <s>two</s> four live action series (because if there is anyone who loves to rub skub into their pores, they are Star Wars fans). The first is a prequel to the Rogue One film, y’know, to build on the backstories of people you never needed to know about in the first place. The second series will focus on Obi Wan Kenobi’s time in exile after the saddling Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru with a kid they never asked for, nor wanted. This is what passes for entertainment in this day and age. A one season serieson Ahsoka (from 3d Clone Wars) and one on Boba Fett.

Anyway, that's the basic concept. As to how it's been handled in the interim, and especially since Lucas dropped the reins . . .

==Why is it so popular?==

Star Wars is as accessible as science fiction gets. It doesn't require extensive knowledge of a fictional world (a la ''[[The Lord of the Rings]]'' or ''[[Warhammer 40,000]]'') or cultural background (as ''[[Star Trek]]'' sometimes does) to make sense. Those elements are present for those who want them, but they largely stay in the (very rich and vibrant) background. It has well-shot action and good ''enough'' dialogue to make it interesting for both kids and adults (as well as allowing parents who grew up with it to watch it with their children, thereby hooking the next generation of viewers). It has simple, good-vs.-evil themes that resonate with almost anyone, anywhere, at any time. The science fiction elements are generally handled well if you don't obsess over making science fiction realistic and hard (or at least they WERE handled well until Episode VII). It's a prime gateway drug for sci-fi which still holds up to the experienced eye, [[Isaac Asimov]] saw and rather enjoyed the films. All in Fourteen hours of cinema, plus optional sides for those who want it.

There's a ton of merchandise that is, of course, really cool. Also, given it's crossed over into the mainstream, many people feel comfortable being part of the community without feeling judged as "nerds" (as they might with ''Lord of the Rings'', ''D&D'', ''Star Trek'', ''Warhammer'', etc.).

Again, they roughly follow the mythic cycle that's been around since Homer. If you think about it, 6 of the 9 films can be summarized as: hero begins his journey under the tutelage of a wise (more or less) man, they encounter a threat which has captured/enslaved a princess/girl, who was in one way or another connected to an important secret (usually a superweapon but could be the identity of a political figure or the location of someone); the heroes save the princess/girl but someone dies tragically in a battle against the villain while someone else is blowing up a space station or a spaceship afterwards they are happy, they celebrate and mourn the loss of the poor bloke who died.

Additionally, the first film can be summarized as a samurai and a gunslinger team up to save a princess from Nazis in space. That is multiple cinematic genres at once, following the style of the epic myth.

==Setting==
Due to article bloat, [[Star Wars Setting]] is now its own page.

==Movies==
Also due to article bloat, [[Star Wars Movies]] are also their own page.

==Expanded Universe==

It can be said what makes a franchise into a long term lasting thing is when a wealth of extra story and background is created that expands on the original story far beyond what there was. It could be argued Star Wars leads the race in this, as the sheer amount of extra novels, graphic novels and games based on Star Wars can and does overwhelm the ordinary fan.

===The original EU/Star Wars "Legends"===

[[Image: Choices_of_One_PB_art.jpg|right|200px|thumb|The waifu was so strong with Mara Jade, Luke Skywalker himself decided to wife her up]]
The background has expanded into the distant past before the founding of the current Jedi and Sith orders and into the (not-quite-so) far future looking at the descendants of Luke Skywalker and other popular characters. Uniquely, especially considering [[Warhammer 40K|other]] [[Star Trek|franchises']] track records, the Star Wars Expanded Universe is <strike>remarkably</strike> <strike>sorta</strike> sometimes internally consistent, both with other sources within the universe and with the films themselves, at least in comparison to other comparable settings. Of course, it's got plenty of its own [[C. S. Goto|problem children]] that slipped through, and the [[skub]] mine of it all isn't much shallower than that of 40K. Good portions of it do hold up well, largely due to the efforts of Lucas' company's continuity department leaning on everyone to hold it together. One thing that greatly helps is continuity books and articles aren't afraid to make small retcons to make even the most obscure and shitty sources (like that terrible PS1 fighting game) seem like part of an organized plot. Particularly well-loved parts include characters like Grand Admiral Thrawn (a rare alien officer in the Empire and popular enough that Disney brought him back to the canon from the EU) and Mara Jade (pictured right, a Force-using former agent of Emperor Palpatine who later turned good, became a Jedi Master, married Luke and had a son with him) - interestingly both were created by the same author [[Timothy Zahn]].

Upon their acquisition, Disney said "fuck it" and threw out everything but the films and the Clone Wars cartoons. Some popular old stuff got mentions or appearances (and Thrawn got to be a major character), but the overall quality is even lower than the old EU. What was set up as a major book contains phrases like "The TIE wibbles and wobbles through the air" and random virtue signalling. As though to top the previous, Disney literally published a book with an entire chapter about mass wedding farts (Yes. Really.). The only good stuff is from established EU authors writing stuff far away from era of the Disney films.

The [[rage]] over the EU's scrapping was major among many fans of it, but for all Disney's shortcomings, they were in a tight spot. Towards the end all that continuity and consistency got thrown out the airlock for increasingly dumb and disjointed narratives and garbled plot threads to the point that the Star Wars logo was just about as much a sign of quality as the Nintendo approval stamp on shitty SNES games.

Another problem was that Disney is mostly family-friendly, and some of the Star Wars EU could get really dark. As in Warhammer 40k levels of grimdark. Examples of this are the invasion of the Yuuzhan Vong - forcenull space-Druchii (no no, not Comorrites though they have the pain and body modification fetishes for it, space-'''Druchii''', riding enslaved tyranid bioships) from another galaxy, Mnggal-Mnggal - mindraping gelatin lost on its way to Star Trek, and Abeloth - an ancient (she predates the Jedi and the Sith) yandere Force entity more like something from the Cthulhu Mythos and is so dangerous the Jedi and the Sith '''joined forces''' to fight her. It's difficult to envision how Disney could have kept the EU when even before all that it was struggling to find a market beyond the most [[neckbeards|dedicated fans]].

===The Books===

'''The Good EU'''
[[Image: Heir-to-the-empire-cover.jpg|right|200px|thumb|Heir to the Empire (1991): The book that started it all]]
* '''The Thrawn Trilogy''': The origination point for the EU despite not being the first Star Wars books published, and focuses on the conflict with the Imperial remnants left over after RotJ. Named for the main villain, Grand Admiral Thrawn, who went on to become one of Star Wars most well-loved characters. Basically the story "The Force Awakens" wishes it was (also introduced the character Mara Jade, a sexy redhead that's everything Disney wishes Rey was and more). Oh, and also gave us the Republic capital planet Coruscant.
* '''The Han Solo Adventures''': Star's End was the second spinoff book written and the first good one. Hit store shelves before Empire Strikes Back was even in theaters. Han and Chewie are trying to get some work done on the Falcon and get volun-told to bust out some political prisoners to pay for it. The Z-95 Headhunter fighter comes from this one. Would have made for a better film than ''Solo'' did.
*'''The Darth Bane Trilogy''': The origin of the Rule of Two for the Sith, along with a compelling protagonist and his apprentice.
* '''Cloak of Deception''': Luceno's prequel to the prequels, a political thriller, much more focused than ''The Phantom Menace''. Foreshadows ''Clones'' characters.
* '''Shatterpoint''': The Mace Windu spinoff, ''Heart of Darkness'' style with Samuel Jackson playing the Charles Marlow role. Windu cracks off lines like "we're going to beat him like a rented gong".
* '''Revenge of the Sith''': The novelization is actually considered a serious improvement over the movie itself.
* '''Darth Plagueis''': Shows how Palpatine becomes a Sith Lord under his mentor. Less Star Wars than Star Politics, which is a good thing for this particular story.
* '''Jedi Apprentice''': That Qui-Gon / Obi-Wan series for kids, started by Dave Wolverton and continued by Jude Watson over a near-flawless run of eight books, until Xanatos bites it and there's no focused villain anymore. What a waste we barely got to see this relationship in the movie.

'''The Bad EU'''
* '''Jedi Academy Trilogy''': Luke sets up his academy on Yavin IV and tries to teach [[Rage|Kyp Durron]]. Imperial remnant superweapons hit ludicrous territory with the sun crusher. This was the beginning of Kevin J Anderson hammering out a couple dozen Star Wars books over about four years.
* '''Young Jedi Knights Series''': Set between Jedi Academy and New Jedi Order, mostly follows Han & Leia's kids.
* '''I, Jedi''': A retelling of the Jedi Academy Trilogy (see above) with more of Corran Horn from the first set of X-Wing books. Less derp in general but significantly more [[Mary Sue]]age of Horn.
* '''Legacy of the Force''': The survivors of the Yuuzhan Vong War are trying to rebuild the galaxy, but Jacen Solo turns Sith and becomes the main villain. The book series is infamous for nearly killing the Star Wars brand and issues between various writers years before Disney went down the same road (Jacen Solo was also a major influence for Kylo Ren). The biggest complaints were Jacen killing off Mara Jade, the villains having plot armor through bouts of incompetence from the heroes, poor dialogue, long-winded writing and the story being overstuffed with allusions to post 9/11 US culture and politics.

'''The [[Skub]] EU'''
* '''Shadows of the Empire''': This multimedia earns pride-of-place as the most-canon of all the EU content, and as being ''an unfocused mess''. ''Shadows'' fills in the details of where the Rebels got the Death Star II's plans and found where Han was taken; it also had Luke building his own saber, ''etc'', as if it mattered. Since there was a game involved, and since Lucas' team didn't think things through very well, we got introduced to some bounty hunter by the name of Dash Rendar who is just another Han Solo except one we don't care about (he's no Katarn, that's for sure). It was all a Major Multimedia Event at the time, including a soundtrack and an uneven video game which we'll get to. The game was why Rendar even exists: he's your avatar. The Special Edition rerelease of ''A New Hope'' added the Outrider to the background of one scene. Oh right: and there's a book. Steve Perry wrote it. It's notable for Xizor the ultra sexy crime boss; he comes close to porking Leia, but she evades his wiles. We guess that's why LucasArts didn't pick Crispin to write it.
[[Image: Yuuzhan-vong-eu2_bg.jpg|right|200px|thumb|The Yuuzhan Vong, [[Skub|either badass and interesting or grimderp canon-defiling villains]]]]
* '''New Jedi Order''': The longest-running Star Wars book series (19 books long) being about an extragalactic invasion and the Jedi's role in fighting it. Luke and his wife Mara are training new Jedi including Han and Leia's kids while Han and Leia build bridges between the New Republic and Imperial Remnants. Until the extragalactic invaders arrive; the Yuuzhan Vong - [[Culexus|Force-null]] [[Imperium of Man|religious fanatics]] with [[Tyranids|organic technology]] and a fixation on [[Dark Eldar|pain and body modification]]. The resulting war sees a body count that rivals anything in Warhammer 40k, including Chewie's death Majora's Mask style plus the deaths of Han and Leia's youngest son and Admiral Ackbar. Mara gives birth to Ben Skywalker and overcomes a terminal illness. The Vong take over and [[Tyranids|terraform]] part of the galaxy, including Coruscant, and lots is learned about the Force. A real love-it-or-hate-it series, some parts are good, some are bad and some are weird.
* '''Dark Empire''': Palpatine's back to save a dying franchise decades before Disney tried it. He even uses clone bodies to do so (but unlike Disney, Dark Horse didn't flip-flop on the lore), wrecks a fleet of enemy ships using the Force and at some point has his power reflected back at him. Starts off good, falls apart fast. Known for its love-it-or-hate-it artstyle and dialogue. Original version of Episode 9.
* '''Courtship of Princess Leia''': Deals with another Imperial remnant, where a Queen who could be potential ally against the Imperials offers a deal which hinges on Leia marrying her prince son. In response, Han sorta-kinda (totally) kidnaps Leia. Luke teams up with the prince in question (who's a bit of a Jedi fanboy but basically a competent officer) to find them. This one introduced the planet Dathomir and the force witches the Nightsisters, which were ultimately adapted to be Maul's homeworld.
* '''X-Wing''': A long running series that passed between several authors that followed Wedge and his squad post RotJ. Initially focused on the liberation of Coruscant and was solid if formulaic, but eventually spiraled off into skub territory. Generally speaking, the action sequences and space battles are quite good but the characterisation falls flat, ranging from 'three-words stereotypes' to 'utter cringe'. Also tends to over-abuse Deus Ex Machina shenanigans to allow the good guys escaping the villain's ''Perfect Plan One-Billionth To Ensure Their Bloody Demise''™.
* '''Fate of the Jedi''': Want some Cthulhu with your Star Wars? Luke, his son Ben, Leia and the remaining Jedi work to counter anti-Jedi backlash following the events of LotF while Han takes a bigger role in politics. Things go from bad to worse when several Jedi suffer mysterious shared bouts of psychosis and an ancient Sith tribe emerges from hiding. Things then go from worse to cosmic horror when both sides encounter Abeloth, a yandere, Lovecraftian Force entity so dangerous the Jedi and the Sith have to ''team up'' to fight her (yes really!). But Abeloth escapes her prison, and both sides have to stop her before she plunges the Force and the galaxy into chaos. During these events, Ben Skywalker finds himself in a Batman/Catwoman situation with the Sith apprentice Vestara Khai. While being an OoM better than the preceding book series, FotJ has a very divided opinion among SW fans.
* '''The Paradise Snare''': AC Crispin's first book (1997) in a new Han trilogy, an ANH prequel this time. Han escapes his Oliver Twist youth ("F8GAN", LOL). He ends up in a "spice" (LOL) operation because it was the late 1990s and we were all reciting "D.A.R.E., Drugs Are Bad Mmkay" in school before heading off to raves at night. Young Harrison Ford shuts down this particular hacienda; with the help of Crispin's self-insert, who then gets to bounce on his lap. Those readers who could ignore the cringe, and we admit there was a ''lot'' of cringe from several directions, were generally entertained. It was all a bit episodic for a film but, again, that didn't stop the Rat House from scrapping it and filming what they filmed instead... which was ''also'' episodic and full of cringe.

'''The Not EU'''
* '''Splinter of the Mind's Eye''': Alan Dean Foster's sequel to ''Star Wars'' before anyone, perhaps even Georgie himself, knew what was coming in ''Empire Strikes Back''. Much [[Incest Smith|chemistry]] between Luke and Leia.
* '''Dark Forces''': The novelisation of the games, starring Kyle Katarn. Pretty good writing except for the action scenes, which are rote accounts of the missions in-game. At the time Katarn wasn't considered a canon character and the first game, proposing yet another heist of the Death Star Plans, was explicitly ''disavowed'' as canon. As time went on LucasArts warmed up at least to Katarn who, unlike Dash Rendar, acquired a personality.

== Disney Canon ==
[[Image:Star_Wars_Disney_Princesses.jpg|right|400px|thumb|Love it or hate it, they are now official ''Disney Princesses''.]]
It's still [[skub|debatable]] whether or not the new Canon holds up to the old EU, or learns to fix the problems that plagued it. We probably won't see what comes of it for decades to come. Disney Canon, as of 2020, seems to largely be built around the nine main movies though there have been growing rumors of a shakeup that may render the Disney triology non-canon due to severe backlash and financial losses. There's also shows like Rebels and Clone Wars alongside anthology movies fleshing out stories that had been told in comics and books back before the Disney buy-up, but can now be seen on film.

A curious thing that has begun happening: Certain elements of the old EU are slipping into the Disney Canon. Plotlines like the Emperor returning, the Death Star plans heist and Han's path to become the smuggler we know him as all have bits and pieces from EU canon in them. In some cases, whole characters are ported in; the best example is Admiral Thrawn, who appears in Rebels. Other times, popular characters has their traits or stories ported into new ones (Finn and Cassian are both expies of Kyle Katarn, for example). This gives some credence to the argument that Lucasfilms and Disney wanted to wipe the slate with all the stories that had been told in the EU, so they could create their own, fully realized canon Star Wars setting that one could make movies - ''many'' movies - from. Considering the amount of shitty fan-fiction-esque stories the EU had, this may be for the best, but of course, storylines that people have loved for ages are also thrown out with the bathwater.

Detractors of Disney-era Star Wars often talk loads about how the sequel trilogy invalidates the original trilogy. Other complaints raised are how Disney screwed over Luke and how many cool characters are either cannibalized for story elements (like Kyle Katarn) or completely removed from canon (like Mara Jade). These are semi-valid arguments of course, but they ignore some of the biggest issues with the EU originally - it wasn't sponsored by George Lucas and Lucasfilms. They were sponsored fan-fiction in a sense, semi-canon from the outset and not really something that could be considered a part of the Star Wars setting, though George Lucas did work with the writers to a point, such as with the New Jedi Order book series (he gave them permission to kill off Chewbacca in the story). In fact, George never really considered them real stories; more like a parallel universe of his own Star Wars works. He accepted it because they bring in the big bucks when people would beg to have the official Star Wars logo on anything they produced.

That, and the sequel trilogy, underwhelming as it may be, was George's idea in broad strokes. The series was always going to have a sequel trilogy, and while the outcome isn't exactly what he (or we) wanted, quite a lot of it is. Luke being an exile on a far-away planet, who has to be roused to fight by a new, female Jedi? George's idea, not Disney's. A son of Han and Leia struggling with the Dark Side? Also George's idea (though Disney lifted a lot form the original version - Jacen Solo - for Kylo Ren). If anything, much of the direction comes from Lucasfilms; Disney just wants the movie to sell well. It's similar with Marvel nowadays.

It should be noted that the TV shows below are either now part of the Disney canon (such as the 2008 Clone Wars series), or made by Disney. There is also a major Star Wars project called Star Wars: The High Republic. It's an upcoming multimedia project spanning books and comics worked on by various writers including Claudia Gray and Cavan Scott ([[Warhammer Adventures|yes, ''that'' Cavan Scott]]). The stated goal is to tell one cohesive story set in the High Republic Era, two centuries prior to Phantom Menace. It was slated for a 2020 release but was pushed back to 2021, purportedly due to the COVID-19 pandemic (purportedly because they could still work on the story from home in this day and age but have chosen to extend the deadline) and the first comics were released to tepid reception.

So for better or worse, the Disney Canon is the first time the wider setting of Star Wars beyond the series and movies have become irrevocably canon, rather than "kinda-sorta-canon". Much of what we've gotten that is new is based roughly on George's own work as well. Remember this when discussing EU vs Disney in Star Wars - Either setting is cool for their own reasons, but the Mouse got little to do with it - and if you don't like it, bring it up with big man Lucas.

Whatever the case, CEO Big Iger briefly resigned in 2019... before being brought back in 2020 following severe financial and PR losses for Disney due to comparatively poor reception of the Disney canon, controversial statements from Disney staff against fans and shutdowns related to the global coronavirus pandemic. Disney preceded to rebuild that goodwill and hope with The Mandalorian, only for two later events to undermine it. The first was Disney's treatment of a leading actress from "The Mandalorian", Gina Carano, culminating in Gina being fired for [[SJW|political reasons]] regarding a social media post... which even comparatively neutral news outlets like Newsweek and Forbes called Disney out on. The second was several poor quality media projects such as a comic series where one of the characters is an alien who's [[Derp|essentially a rock named "Geode" that crews a spaceship named "Vessel".]] There have been massive rumblings of change and even a civil war in Disney-owned Lucasfilm between factions of staff supporting producers/directors Dave Filoni and Jon Favreau and staff supporting Lucasfilm president/film producer Kathleen Kennedy. Recent hints and events have suggested that Kathleen Kennedy has finally been given the boot from Star Wars.

December 2020 announced several new films and TV series, as well as further information about already announced things. These include:

* '''[[Star Wars:The Mandalorian|The Mandalorian]]''': Live-action series that started in 2019. Unsurprisingly, Season 3 is on it's way and will release in 2022 ([[Skub|if the current company infighting is resolved]]).
* '''Ahsoka''': Live-action series by Jon Favreau and Dave Filoni (the chads responsible for The Mandalorian, the latter also responsible for [[Star Wars:The Clone Wars|The Clone Wars]], [[Star Wars:Rebels|Rebels]] and the character of Ahsoka (and [[Star Wars:Resistance|Resistance]] but [[heresy|let's not talk about that]])) featuring the titular fan favorite character who made her live-action debut in The Mandalorian Season 2, starring Rosario Dawson and is a spin-off of The Mandalorian and will have cross-overs with it. Though not officially confirmed, is highly likely to feature the live-action debut of [[tactical genius|Thrawn]], who was name-dropped by Ahsoka in The Mandalorian as her quarry. Release date unknown but is confirmed to run only for one season.
* '''Rangers of the New Republic''': Live-action series and another spin-off of The Mandalorian, again by Jon Favreau and Dave Filoni and is said to have cross-overs with The Mandalorian and Ahsoka. Not much is known at the moment but the name tells us at that it would focus on the titular galactic government, something we still don't know much about due to the world-building fuck-up of the sequel trilogy. Release date unknown.
* '''The Bad Batch''': Animated series and a spin-off of The Clone Wars. Focuses on the titular clone commando unit that was introduced in the last season of The Clone Wars, seemingly set during Republics transition into the Empire. [[Awesome|Dee Bradley Baker is back playing all the main characters]]. Release in 2021.
* '''Andor''': Live-action series and a spy-thriller focusing on the titular character who was introduced in Rogue One. Release in 2022.
* '''The Acolyte''': Live-action series set during the High Republic-era, a thus-far unexplored era 100-300 years before the original movie during which the Republic was at it's peak. Release date unknown.
* '''Obi-Wan Kenobi''': Live-action series featuring the return of Ewan McGregor as the titular character set 10 years after Revenge of the Sith. Hayden Christensen is also confirmed to be returning, though how it will work is unknown as Anakin was Vader at this time and thus he would be in his armor and have his voiced dubbed over by someone, likely/hopefully James Earl Jones. Release in 2022 and is confirmed to only run for one season.
* '''A Droid Story''': Animated series featuring R2-D2 and C-3PO and a new character, possibly a droid as well. That is all we know for now but will likely be targeted towards kids, just like the animated series Droids from the 80s. Release date unknown.
* '''Lando''': Live-action series focusing on the titular character. Not much known aside from that at the moment, not even will it feature Billy-Dee Williams or Donald Glover. Release date unknown.
* '''Visions''': [[Anime]] anthology-series made by different anime studios across Japan. Will run for 10 episodes, with each episode likely produced by a different studio. It's unknown which studios are involved but considering their track record, Production IG, Sunrise and Trigger are likely involved. Release date unknown.
* '''Rogue Squadron''': Live-action film, the first one after the sequels. Will feature the titular elite starfighter squadron and is directed by Patty Jenkins, the director of Wonder Woman (but also [[RAGE|writer and director of Wonder Woman 1984]]). Will it focus on the Rogue Squadron from EU led by Wedge Antilles or will it be completely different remains to seen. Release in 2023.
* '''Film by Taika Waititi''': Nothing about it is known at the moment except that it is happening, it is live-action and will be directed by Taika Waititi of Thor: Ragnarök-fame who also played IG-11 in The Mandalorian and directed the last episode of the first season. Release likely in either 2024 or 2025.
* '''The Book of Boba Fett''': Live-action series, revealed post-credits in the last episode of The Mandalorian Season 2, which had Boba Fett returning to Jabba's palace, kill everyone inside and then sit on his old bosses throne. Release in 2021.

==Wookieepedia==
One of the largest fan wikis ever created, this bad boy is extensively cited, has enormous variety, and has page upon page of talk. It was if Lexicanum, the 40k fan wiki, and our own glorious site were fused into a terrible beast.

==Impact on 1d4chan and associated games etc==

Star Wars has had subtle and clear impacts on a number of other franchises and genres and it can be ''incredibly'' hard to gauge the extent of it all. Certainly it didn't create the concepts of sci-fi, space battles, sweeping storylines, and a blending of mystical and scientific ideas, but it certainly popularized them during the years of the original trilogy and influenced many people that would go on to have interests in sci-fi, fantasy and epic adventure today.

Hell, look me in the eye and tell me that the lightsaber didn't give us the [[power weapon]]. But then again, magic weapons.
==Sabacc and Pazaak==
A rather unusual entry here but it's well in line, Sabacc is an actual tabletop card game from the Star Wars universe which is basically a hybrid of Poker and Blackjack. A Sabacc Deck has 80 cards, most of which in four suits of 16 cards numbered one to 16 (two suits positive, two suits negative), plus 16 wildcards that could be positive/negative or (in the case of the Idiot) Zero. The goal of the game is to have a set of three cards who's total as close as possible to, but not over, 23 or -23. If you got 23/-23 (Pure Sabacc) which could only be beaten by an Idiot's Array (the Idiot, a Two and a Three, thus 23). The stakes are raised every cycle until the cards go down or one player is left standing who gets the pot. Like most card games there are variations, such as a single suit hand beating a mixed hand of equal value, light beating dark, dark beating light, instant tiebreaker with new hands in the case of a tie; one variation even uses dice (presumably to set a handicap the hand has to overcome).

The notable thing about Sabacc that sets it apart from real world card games is that the Cards can change value every turn. A Pure Sabacc can easily become an instant lose 25 and an absolutely lousy hand can become an Idiot's Array. They can be stabilized to fix their value, but everyone knows when you do so. This feature has so far prevented Sabacc from being released in tabletop form as of yet. ''(Of course, there are ways to deal with this, such as simply re-dealing unfixed cards, but never let it be said that nerds will choose practicality over purity.)''

In universe, Han Solo won the Millenium Falcon off Lando in a game of Sabacc.

Pazaak is an older game from an in-universe perspective, similar to Blackjack but its player versus player rather than player versus dealer and also has some aspects of a collectible card game. Goal of the game is to raise cards from the main deck until their total value is 20 or they can also choose to stand if they get close but don't want to risk it. Best out of five wins.

CCG-aspect of Pazaak comes from the sidedeck: both players collect ten cards for their side deck and then randomly take four cards from their side deck to their hand in the beginning of the game. Hand cards are used to either lower or raise the total value: so if the player raises cards from the main deck to the total value of 25, they can prevent dropping out if they have a -5 card or higher in their hand.
Cards which only either raise or lower the value are the most common of the side cards.
More rarer are cards which can be used to both raise and lower the value.
Then there are flip cards, which change certain main deck cards on the table to negative ones. So if the player plays a 2&4 flip card, all 2:s and 4:s on the table become -2:s and -4:s. Flip cards exist in 2&4:s and 3&6:s.
Then there is the double card, which doubles the value of the last played card. So if the player raises a 5 from the main deck, playing the double card would turn it into a 10.
Finally, the rarest side deck card is the tiebreaker, which grants the player a win if the game would otherwise end in a tie.

==Tabletop games for Star Wars==

=== Role-playing Games ===

[[West End Games]] made a Star Wars [[role-playing game]] called [[Star Wars RPG|Star Wars: The Roleplaying Game]] AKA '''Star Wars D6'''. Like many West End products, it's a good game with the great misfortune of being published by West End Games.

[[Wizards of the Coast]] picked up the license later and made two distinct RPGs based on their [[d20 System]], called [[Star Wars D20]] (imaginatively). Could be fun, but generally broken as hell, much like [[Dungeons & Dragons 3rd Edition|its parent game]]. It was then utterly revised that into what they called the '''Saga Edition''', which is relatively balanced and pretty good.

[[Fantasy Flight Games]] is presently selling [[Star Wars Roleplaying Game|a whole line of Star Wars-themed RPGs]], each one focusing on a specific style of play. You want to play a bunch of scruffy space outlaws (Edge of the Empire), members of the nascent Rebellion (Age of Rebellion), or exiled Jedi Knights (Force and Destiny), then they got you covered. Unlike their [[Warhammer 40,000 Roleplay]] games, which are all ''juuuuust'' different enough from one another to completely buttfuck any attempts at blending, all three gamelines use identical mechanics and are fully cross-compatible. Uses symbol-counting [[dice pool]]s with ludicrously overpriced custom dice.
Like the other RPGs they decided with the retardedly similar name, and thus this one is sometimes called '''Star Wars FFG''' to avoid confusion.

FFG have kept milking the franchise and in summer 2017, decided to [[Necromancer | reanimate]] the [[Star Wars RPG|Star Wars: The Roleplaying Game]] with a "30th Year Anniversary Edition" print of the original game. It '''''finally''''' shipped in July 2018 after spending a year in limbo.

=== Card Games ===

The big [[card game]] set in the Star Wars universe is the [[Star Wars Customizable Card Game]]. It's no longer produced by Decipher, but there is still a sufficiently large player community to organize annual tournaments, rule on cards, and so on. SWCCG was radically different from the norm of card games, being divided into light and dark side cards with different backings, with light and dark always playing against each other. For tournament play a player would need both a light and dark deck. The gameplay was also radically different from most CCGs; in Magic terms the closest analog would be that every SWCCG deck was fundamentally a mill deck, with some hard to assemble insta-win combos themed to the plots of the movies.

[[Wizards of the Coast]] made the [[Star Wars Trading Card Game]]. It is now dead.

[[Fantasy Flight Games]] made [[Star Wars: Destiny CCG]]. It is also now dead.

Obviously, nobody is capable of creating a Star Wars card game with an interesting name.

Aside from the real, physical, games there was also ''Star Wars Galaxies Trading Card Game''. It was a real, functioning, card game within the MMO that used all virtual cards. Unfortunately no server emulators have implemented it yet.

=== Miniature Games ===

The first Star Wars miniatures game was ''Star Wars Miniature Battles'' released by West End Games in 1989. It and the minis were readily available through the early half of the 1990's, although the line was never particularly diverse. Even accounting for vehicles the whole line was only a couple dozen products and you could get all the rebel heroes in a single box if you just wanted them for the RPG, plus a another box for Vader and a mix of imperials.

Concurrent to this, Galoob managed to get their hands on Star Wars for their Micro Machines toy line, and released an '''enormous''' line of minis which conformed to no consistent scale but were at least cheap, durable, and prepainted. Homebrew adaptations of other systems to use them were a thing in the 90's but vanished as they became scarce.

[[Wizards of the Coast]] did a tabletop battles game imaginatively called Star Wars: Miniatures, based on an extremely dumbed down version of the D&D ruleset. The figures were meant to tie in with the Saga edition RPG, it wasn't terrible on its own, just impossible to collect for competitive play since figures came in random booster packs so you never know what you were getting for what faction. Who could possibly stand for that?

[[Fantasy Flight Games]] is producing the [[X-Wing]] miniatures game based on individual starfighter combat (because, let's be honest, that's what ''Star'' Wars is all about). They have also released [[Star Wars: Armada]] which is a larger scale "fleet" combat simulator, using capital ships and squadrons of starfighters.

'''Star Wars: Imperial Assault'''

The latest [[Fantasy Flight Games]] addition to its Star Wars related games is a mix between a miniature board game and a skirmish wargame. It has two play modes:

One for campaign play where 1-4 players control a team of Rebel heroes and another player has the role of the DM, who controls the Imperial forces. The campaign, as the name suggests, focuses on character personalization, xp gain and the like, which you can find in any light RPG-esque (board)game. The main goal is to get a few friends together and casually play through the missions. Think of it as a Star Wars version of the original [[Hero Quest]].

The other play mode is skirmish play, where two players each get to assemble a team of miniatures plus a command deck (cards that have specific effects when played) and play against each other in an open-play scenario. The play area is still very limited to a few game tiles (as in a campaign mission) but players are free to bring whatever they want (with a few limitations of course). The skirmish part of Imperial assault is as close as you can get to an actual Star Wars skirmish wargame, but it is a missed opportunity from Fantasy Flight to create a true skirmish wargame (ala [[Infinity (wargame)|Infinity]]), not based on tiles and so confined spaces. Who knows what they have plans for though...

'''Star Wars Legion'''

And Fantasy Flight have now given us a fully fledged wargame, complete with AT-ST in the first wave. (They're 32mm scale, which means [[Games Workshop|no reusing your Imperial Assault miniatures]].) Legion has an integrated turn system, and the usual FF custom dice and forest worth of dead trees in cards and tokens that will be familiar to X-Wing and Armada players. The miniatures are PVC, reasonably detailed, easy to assemble pieces. A standard battle is 800 points, which could be anywhere from half a dozen to 16 units on the field, with an average army fielding 8-12 units comprising 30-ish models.

=== Board Games ===

The most famous and arguably best one is [[Star Wars: Rebellion]], an asymmetric two-player game that plays through the Original Trilogy in a wargame/worker placement-esque game. The Empire player must expand their already huge military base over the galaxy to build more ships and huge superweapons while searching for the Rebel Base, while the Rebels do their best to bite them in their heel, obscuring their movements and annoying the Empire until they have enough support to overthrow the Empire. As a [[Fantasy Flight Games|FFG]] boardgame, it's filled with a ludicrous amount of bits and pieces (including sweet models of Star Destroyers, Death Stars and Calamari Cruisers), as well as the trademark filled-with-small-exceptions ruleset. It's pretty sweet and still considered one of the best board games of its kind.

=== Card Miniature Games ===

In the late 00's, WizKids produced a short lived construct-able miniatures Star Wars game based on their styrene card system for Pirates of the Spanish Main. Although the game sold well, when NECA bought WizKids from Topps the rights did not transfer and it went out of print.

==Video Games for Star Wars==

To put it bluntly, every game which could possibly have ''Star Wars'' slapped onto it, exists. Flight simulators. Racers. Rail shooters. Doom clones. MMOs. Age of Empires reskins. An official expansion for ''The Sims 4''. Hell, there's even a Kinect variety game. Here's a few standouts...

* '''Knights of the Old Republic''': A pair of single player RPGs depicting a Sith war several thousand years before ''A New Hope''. KotOR is widely regarded as the best Star Wars video game ever, and was the framework for BioWare's ''Mass Effect'' series. Of all the Legends stuff, KotOR appears to still be in good standing with Disney since they continue to borrow from it. The sequel by Obsidian was the original subversive take on the franchise TLJ wanted to be but failed miserably; this sequel, also, failed, less because it was Different, more because those assholes didn't let its devs finish it before dumping it in game-stores. With the restored content mod, KOTOR 2 can unironically be considered the best Star Wars story there is if you overlook the obviously rushed main game development. Much much later came a skubtastic MMO simply called "Old Republic" (since you can play as things other than Jedi and Sith) that is the sequel 300 years later, which had a very rough start but stabilized enough to still survive to this day somehow. Though the gameplay is pretty meh due to being an MMO, the storylines are mostly good, with the best of them being some of the best Star Wars stories out there. Even the bland Jedi Knight story is still good fun, and should you choose to play as one in the Shadow of Revan and following expansions, becomes very good. Possibly still canon in the Disney continuity since a lot of things get borrowed or referenced from it. Also the only thing in the EU to still receive new content. Fans often treat these games as canon even if they are technically not, due to being set so long before the films that there aren't many contradictions between canon and legends.

* '''Jedi Knight''': A series that started of as an early FPS named Dark Forces (so early that it was the time when FPS games were still known as [[Doom]]-clones) but Dark Forces II: Jedi Knight had the protagonist become a Jedi. The Dark Forces name was dropped in favor of Jedi Knight after this. The series combines surprisingly deep lightsaber combat with standard shooting, though the levels can get very mazy at times. Introduced Kyle Katarn, who despite starting out in a non-EU game ended up so beloved that he entered canon. There was a Mara Jade expansion, "Mysteries of the Sith", amounting to a new game. The replayability is off the charts thanks to LucasArts' decision to open all three of these games to mods, resulting in fan-made missions several of which were as good as the original (for them, see The Massassi Temple site, still active in all its late-1990s glory). Unfortunately, there has not been a new game since 2003's (Dark Forces 4 : Jedi Knight 3 : Manchester United 0 ) ''Jedi Academy'' and likely will never be thanks to Disney. They were recently re-released on modern consoles so at least their existence is acknowledged; between such releases, and the modding community on PC, more people have that chance to play them.

* '''Republic Commando''': An FPS that has the player command a squad of commandos. Its a great shooter but unfortunately, it never received a sequel and to make things worse, ended on a cliffhanger. The second act of the game, set entirely on a drifting Acclamator-class assault ship is particularly memorable and highly atmospheric. If one can look past outdated graphics, it is one of the best Star Wars games ever made and holds it's own in the FPS-genre as a whole. It is also notably more violent and [[grimdark]] than Star Wars usually is. The soundtrack is also quite noteworthy, while it does make great use of John Williams music as most Star Wars games do, it also has it's own original and rather unique soundtrack consisting of Mandalorian warchants which you should seriously go and listen to.

* '''Empire at War''': Made by the original developers of [[Command and Conquer]], it is the most notable strategy game to have come out of Star Wars. Notable for featuring three different modes of play: ground battles, space battles and galactic conquest map. Though ground battles are a bit meh, the space battles are great and the galactic conquest is certainly more interesting than only playing random skirmish matches. Even though its over 10 years old, it has a very active modding community. Republic at War, which changes the games Galactic Civil War setting to Clone Wars and Thrawns Revenge, set much further into the Galactic Civil War than portrayed in the films, are particularly great. There is also a remake mod in the works, aiming to bring the game up to modern standards in terms of visuals, sound and UI and the results do look good. Unfortunately, no great 40k mod.

* '''Bounty Hunter''': Featuring Jango Fett as the protagonist and tells the story of he ended up being the clone template. A third person action adventure game that makes the player [[meme|FEEL like a Mandalorian]]. Particular highlight is the first level of the second chapter set on Coruscant as no other game before or since has allowed the player to explore Coruscant to this extent. 1313 was meant to do that even better but fuck Disney.

* '''Star Wars Galaxies''': An early MMO, launched after ''Everquest'' but before ''WoW''. Galaxies is noteworthy for making force powers a prestige achievement requiring enormous in-game effort to unlock. The first expansion pack added a subgame that's a pretty solid flight game in its own right and the game eventually added an original, fully playable, trading card game that sadly has not yet been implemented in any simulator. Then ''World of Warcraft'' hit, Sony panicked and made Jedi a starting class and replaced the skill system with massive level grind, and offered refunds to the raging army of neckbeards. Subscription numbers tanked and never recovered. It would effectively be replaced by ''The Old Republic'', an MMO using the acclaimed KotOR setting. Like most "dead" MMOs that people loved it still lives on through illegal private servers (don't worry, the guys providing it would get busted, not people playing on it).

* '''X-Wing (and TIE Fighter)''': A series of ''Wing Commander'' clones released in the 90's. While badly dated today, they were the best fighter sims of their time, and if you can get past the highly primitive graphics some people still consider them to be the best to this day. Why? The mission scripting and AI are top notch for the genre and absolutely brutal to fight against; on all but the simplest missions you're almost guaranteed to fail the first time and eventually develop a sixth sense about the fighters threatening your objective vs the fighters just there to kill you (ignore those, learn to be hard to hit). Interestingly, TIE Fighter is largely seen as the best of the series while the N64 era Rogue Squadron and Shadows Of The Empire games are seen as being far more visually modern but largely inferior sequels. Did we mention you had to use a flight stick controller basically made for these games to really do well at these?

* ''' The Force Unleashed''': A hack n slash game featuring Starkiller, Vader's secret apprentice. (Note the reference to the first draft's protagonist.) Starkiller is very [[skub]] in his [[awesome]] (he literally pulls down a Star Destroyer from orbit with the Force), so has been called a [[Mary Sue|Gary Stu]]. But if you're a ''gamer'' all that just makes it a complete power fantasy so, not exactly a minus. Physics are pretty good for its time and enemies can have particularly realistic moments, such as briefly grabbing onto whatever's at hand, including each other, when lifted with the Force. Disregard the wii version which is hilariously inferior in level design and gameplay

* '''Revenge of the Sith''': One of the best movie license games of all time, though does that say more about the game or movie license games, I'll let you decide. The storymode is basically a hack n slash but the real star is the versus mode (and boss fights in the story mode) as this is basically the best Star Wars fighting game there is (not that there's much competition).

* '''Star Wars Battlefront II (2005)''': Not to be confused with the one released by EA in 2017. Solid Battlefield-clone with a Star Wars paintjob from the new-defunct Pandemic studio (fuck you, EA) in 2005 told from the perspective of a clone trooper that survived all the way up to the battle of Hoth, with a very down to earth boots on the ground approach. Also, just being thrown into random matches as a soldier because fun. Despite some issues, it remains the high point of the Battlefront series as well as the entire PS2 era, and on PC still has fans via an active modding community to this day. There is of course also the original one but the second one pretty much completely overshadowed it.

* '''Star Wars Battlefront II (2017)''': The one by EA. You've probably heard everything important. An absolute mess at launch due to its lootbox-heavy progression system, so much so that it started discussion even on government level about lootboxes that continues to this day. A comment by EA that became the most downvoted comment in Reddit history. Yet despite all this, two years later, the game is arguably one of the best Star Wars experiences one can have and an Anakin-level redemption story. Like the previous Battlefront II, it completely overshadowed its predecessor.

* '''Jedi: Fallen Order''': It took them years but finally, EA managed to deliver a Star Wars game that is great on launch without cramming it with e-transactions. Its plot focuses on an unfortunate Jedi renegade between ''Revenge'' and ''A New Hope'' who's on the hunt for a hidden database that might document all the Force-sensitive individuals in the galaxy. A game inspired primarily by games such as Dark Souls and Uncharted, its a great action-adventure game in its own right and a must-play for any Star Wars fan. Also notable for making Darth Vader '''''really FUCKING SCARY'''''. As he should be.

* '''Monopoly Star Wars''': Its Star Wars Monopoly. With 90's FMV that plays for every square you land on. On floppy disks. Considered fucking amazing at the time, its too strange and tabletop to not mention. Also one of the last pre-Prequel things released.

* '''Super Star Wars''': A heavily modified retelling of the original trilogy (what, you don't remember how Luke chased down the Sandcrawler and murdered all the Jawas as well as their giant rat god in order to rescue R2-D2?) that was one of the ways to say "hard as fuck" by namedropping a game prior to Dark Souls existing. Amusing for the insanity of the added content in order to make a platformer sidescrolling beat'em'up as well as how neckbeardy you have to be to punish yourself trying to beat it without cheating. Sequels were made for Empire and Jedi, which slightly dialed back the difficulty.

* '''Star Wars: Yoda Stories''': A game geared for kids, released the same year as Monopoly above. Players play as Luke sometime after Empire Strikes Back, although an odd alternate version where Han sometimes is free from carbonite and Boba Fett and sometimes is not. They are assigned a quest by Yoda which requires them to traverse one or more procedurally generated planets doing whatever odd crap Yoda felt was necessary, including sometimes fighting Vader. Recieved middling scores as a PC release, with some individuals HATING the game and using it as a benchmark for how much they hate something when comparing the two, although to be fair that is because distributors tried to sell it like a full game when in reality its supposed to just be freebie software that came with other purchases and was meant to go with Solitaire and space pinball as default games on a computer to waste time with. It has lapsed into obscurity thanks to even those reviewers largely being forgotten on the modern internet. Noteworthy for being played on a grid with simultaneous turn-based movement with all enemies and NPCs on a screen, feeling very much like a desktop game at times, since it uses the Win32 API (like Minesweeper and Solitare) and was almost certainly written in visual basic. A simple puzzle game, where getting blocked in a corner without enough space to pass the time by an idiot NPC is more dangerous than any foe.

*'''Shadows of the Empire''': Made on the Nintendo 64 and Windows PC, this was the game part of the massive Everything But The Movie multimedia of that name. Here you play as Dash Rendar, a scoundrel in a ship like Han Solo working for the Rebellion. Starts during Episode V as a side story; moves on to bridge V and VI. Despite a fanbase that stayed loyal for several years, this game has sadly not aged well at all thanks to the rather peculiar control scheme of the N64 and the graphics having aged like cheap cheese in the sun. Main enemy of the game is a xeno named Xisor who is just a real uppity crime boss (and apparently a prince). The game has an absolute great opening (at least for its time) where you're flying in a Snowspeeder on Hoth killing Imperials left and right while trying to use the cables to crash the AT-ATs like in the movie. After that the game begins to kinda just carry on with awkward controls. Notable for having a soundtrack (we DID say, "Everything But The Movie") not by Williams but equally as good.

*'''Star Wars : Racers''' : The defining podracing game and the only thing done on Episode I that no one can complain about.

==Assorted list of Awesome From Star Wars==
* X-Wing starfighters = spaceborne sex
* Fucking ''[[Lightsaber|Lightsabers!]]''
* The fucking [[Approved music|OST]]
* What is likely the greatest duel in cinematic history, that takes place on a [[Death World|lava planet.]]
* Deathly Stormtroopers, heroic Clonetroopers or sinister First Order troopers; whatever they're called, stormtroopers are awesome! Contrary to popular belief, shot counts have proven they have ridiculously good aim.
* Darth Vader whenever he gets a speaking line or to murder rebel scum - that is to say, all the time.
* Darth Maul in The Phantom Menace, TCW and Rebels.
* Lightsaber Rifles
* The entirety of the Umbara campaign, where <s>Imperial Guardsmen</s> Clone Troopers die in the dozens attempting to win some godforsaken planet, earning them balls of titanium that make the guard look ba- {{BLAM| '''*BLAM*''' Heresy!}}, all while serving under a <s>Commissar</s> different Jedi, one who sees the Clone Troopers as cannon fodder.
* 97% of the Creatures.
* 98% of the Starfighter designs.
* Costumes that mix about every possible inspiration, Chinese, Mongolian, Japanese, Ancient Greece and Rome, Elizabethan, Moebius or Pulp Sci-Fi from the 60's, giving the whole series a distinctive style and gives Padme Amidala an excuse to show off with all her dresses.
* Boba and Jango Fett and the rest of the Mandalorians.
* KOTOR (both games) plot making you think this shit is actually logical and has so much philosophical background. One of the creepiest depictions of the Universe. Everything is brutal, with big vibrating knives, blood, those machines for Sith snuff movies, more blood, bastards, badass bastards and so on. Everything while somebody is talking with you about existence.
* Our saviour Lord Revan. He's like if [[Horus|fucking Horus]] just became [[Big Bad Evil Guy|fucking bad]] (but not that [[Erebus|bad]]) to fucking destroy the [[Chaos Gods|Dark Gods]] so he can solve his daddy issues.
**but he's more virile, deadly, powerful, charismatic and cool.
* Double-bladed Lightsabers.
* Lando Calrissian.
* [https://youtu.be/YJEUAe-dcGo Obi-Wan Kenobi.]
* The High Ground.
* TIE fighters. They have the most distinctive scream of any fighter in cinematic history that just yells "I'm evil!". Tell me I'm wrong. I'll wait.
** The fact that they managed to do that using what is essentially a shitty visual pun.
* Most of Episode 3.
* The entirety of Anakin's story, especially when you add the Clone Wars and prequels. While you're at it, watch CinemaWins' perspective on it the series.
* Admiral Ackbar the Memeable!
* Palpatine getting into some Tzeentchian-level scheming and backstabbing in order to overthrow the Jedi and the Republic.
* Battle of Yavin.
* Battle of Hoth.
* Battle of Endor.
* Battle of Scariff.
* Grand Admiral Thrawn: So awesome that he rose to a high rank in the anthropocentric Empire despite being an alien and was one of the first things to be imported straight from Legends to Disney.
* Imperial Pilots get a mention, seeing as they fly literal garbage fighters against superior rebel fighters. Yes, we are talking about the the same TIE Fighters we mentioned before. By garbage, we mean despite how cool looking and sounding TIE Fighters are, they are actually a ridiculously impractical design and the standard TIE Fighters are mass produced extremely cheaply even if they don't look like it (except Darth Vader's, which is custom made and modified by Vader himself). Even 40k's Imperium has better fighter designs. At least the Imperium's fighters conserve the life of the fucking pilot. Also, clearly super skilled since they have roughly an equal kill-death ratio with the Rebels in the movie battles.
* [https://youtu.be/T9j7kLG7VK8 Obi-Wan Kenobi. Again.]
* The Millennium Falcon has a 3D chess board, secret compartments for smuggling space cocaine and a walk in closet specifically for capes.
* Princess, later Senator Leia Organa; the original badass-yet-hot boss lady in space. Ends up leading two separate, successful underground freedom movements against impossible odds. Did we mention she's a Jedi in both canons?
*The trench run.
* Han Solo, who is so badass that hot Leia falls in love. He has the smuggler's best friend, a Wookie, who is also the worst opponent you can face in a [[Chess|Dejarik match]].
* Just... Star Destroyers. When you see a huge, imposing warship from an evil Empire, this is the granddaddy they all look up to.
* The moon sized space stations that zap other planets to bits? They’re pretty neat.
* Werner Herzog, asking if he can look at your baby and assuring you that he will be quiet.
* Oh, did we mention the lightsabers?
* Tyber Zann

== See Also: ==

* ''[http://www.darthsanddroids.net/ Darths & Droids]'': A webcomic, made using photo-stills of the ''Star Wars'' movies to tell a story about gamers blundering through each of the six movies in sequence... though not quite exactly how you might expect. Think ''DM of the Rings'' in overall visual style, though unlike ''DM of the Rings'', ''Darths & Droids'' features several heavy twists on the actual events of the films, subplots about the players and their lives outside the game alongside the campaign, and a better overall quality of gamer. Whereas ''DM of the Rings'' features a railroading DM and players who are therefore somewhat antagonistic to him, ''Darths & Droids'' has a GM who adjusts his game to his players' actions and players who generally get along with both him and each other. The plot of ''DMotR'' is very similar to that of the movies (but avoids a few plot elements), but the plot (and, indeed, the universe) of ''Darths & Droids'' is only very loosely based on the ''Star Wars'' films. (For a somewhat spoilery example: "Darth" is a courtesy title for retired Jedi, such as Chancellor Palpatine.)

* "[https://www.theforce.net/swtc/holocaust.html Endor Holocaust]": An excellent example of the [[skub]] Star Wars can create. Rebuttal: " [http://www.darthsanddroids.net/fanart/endortruth20040810.pdf Endor Rebuttal]"

* [[Timothy Zahn]]

{{Star Wars}}

[[Category: Television]]

[[Category: Star Wars]]

Sword

2021-04-22T09:55:36Z

2A02:1811:5185:DD00:4437:1569:764C:54A3: /* Parrying all day long */

[[image:gladius.jpg|thumb|300px|right|A Roman gladius (Pompeii Variant), one type of sword]]
{{topquote|You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!' IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE. 'She's a child!' shouted Crumley. IT'S EDUCATIONAL.
'What if she cuts herself?' THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.|[[Discworld|Hogfather]]}}

Swords are probably the most commonly used weapon in Fantasy, especially by main characters. While certain fantasy races have certain specific weapons associated with them (Dwarves and Axes, Elves and Bows), all of them will make use of swords at least on the sidelines.

Real life shit: A '''sword''' is a melee weapon comprised of a long, sharp blade and a hilt to hold it with. In the real world, the blades of swords normally range between 50 to 150cm long and typically weigh between 1 to 4 kilograms, depending on the size and composition. Numerous variants of swords exist and have been employed since some ancient Mesopotamian metalworker decided to make the blade of a dagger much longer than usual.

== Love and Hate ==
There are various types of sword related retards.

*'''Sword Wankers''': Overly romantic morons who believe that the sword is the be all end all weapon until people got good with guns and tragically ended that. Buying into all that chivalry/Bushido nonsense.

*'''Anti-Sword Wankers''': People who respond to the sword wankers by going too far the other way. Seeing swords as worthless weapons that were only carried by overly romantic morons. Sword blades would always shatter on impact with plate armor and ten swordsmen would easily die to one guy with a spear.

*'''Nipponese Wankers''': People who claims that [[Katanas are Underpowered in d20|Japanese swords are THE BEST]], magically sharp and indestructible because the metal has been folded a thousands times, able to cut through a Tank's armour and pierce steel plate. Western swords are, by comparison, unsharpened metal slabs used by hairy barbarians.

*'''Western Wankers''': On the opposite spectrum, these guys think that katanas are at best crude baseball bats that stands no chance against GLORIOUS EUROPEAN PLATE, and that by comparison European swords are the best thing around in terms of technology, sharpness, usability (such as glorious half swording and usage of mordhau tactics), and resemblance to the cross.

[[Skub|All of them are stupid]]. Swords were not the be-all end-all of medieval warfare. Other weapons did have their advantages. [[Mace]]s did concussive damage even if someone was wearing heavy armor and could break bones. [[Spear]]s had a longer reach and were better against cavalry. Halberds could deliver a devastating chop at range. This did not mean that swords were worthless. They were versatile -- short swords were excellent as a fallback weapon: when the foe was trying to get your spear out of his shield, you gutted him with your sword. Double-handed Zweihanders could be devastating. Nevertheless, morons who think in bare basic binary believe that they are either the weapon of the gods or worthless rubbish. There is a reason why any civilization that developed metalworking (and a couple that didn't) eventually came up with swords in one form or another, and there is likewise a reason why the sword was not the only weapon ever created.

In the same way, people comparing western and eastern swords should take in account that while Europe was and is a big place with lots of trade and plenty of steel, Japan was not. So European swords faced lots of tough metal armour, and there was a sort of "arms race" where swords became increasingly good against armour, that in turn became better at stopping swords and so on. This got to a point where people stopped carrying [[shield|shields]] around because armour was just that good, and swords became increasingly narrow and quick because slashing or piercing plate armour was totally ineffective and your best bet was stabbing weak points.

Japan on the contrary had a lot less metal around, so there was less armour and good quality metal was rarer and costly. There was just no point in developing pointy (AH!) uber-piercing swords, and they had to use the metal they had in a smarter way, such as the practice of 'folded steel', a smithing technique to make crappy steel more passable in quality (hence that '1,000-folded metal' bullshit that weeaboos go on about). This does NOT mean they were worse: they were perfectly good for use in the role they had in the place they were, and developing European-like swords would be pointless. This is discussed below in greater details.

== So why are swords so popular? ==
Swords generally have five major advantages over other weapons:
* '''Ease of carrying''' - Almost all types of swords fit in a sheath or scabbard and are generally compact and light enough to not cause any discomfort when carried on person. If you have a sword, you can keep it as a backup weapon for when your main one is at major disadvantage, is damaged or lost, a bit like a pistol to modern soldiers (and even this comparison gives the sword less credit than it deserves, as the former criteria was a lot more likely than a modern soldier having their rifle break/run out of ammunition throughout a battle). You can also comfortably carry it out of the battlefield as a self-defense weapon.
* '''Versatility''' - While most battlefield weapons are specialized in chopping, piercing or crushing people, swords can generally do anything, if a bit worse than any weapon specialized in it. Even if the sword is specialized, like the thrusting rapier or the slashing sabre it still gives you more options than say an axe or a spear.
* '''Reach''' - Swords are good at a wide array of ranges, most importantly at extremely close range, where most other battlefield weapons suffer badly. If you're stuck in a close melee, fighting indoors or in the narrow streets, sword is your friend.
* '''Defense''' - Swords are made of metal, are generally quite long and most have crossguards or some other hand protection, which means that aside from the shield no other weapon is as good at parrying enemy blows.
* '''Lethality''' - Swords are great at disabling and killing unarmored humans with as little strength spent as possible. They generally don't cut through any kind of armour, but on the plus side most people didn't wear full sets on the battlefield (and in the hot regions it was quite common for people to go to battle almost naked), and advanced control of the blade sword provides makes hitting unarmored body parts easier than most other weapons.

There is also another half reason of '''status''' - quality metal was often relatively expensive, and the skills required to make a sword were likewise very specialised and expensive. Therefore, swords were a good way to show off how baller you were.

Considering all of this, the sword was mostly used on the battlefield as a backup weapon, as while most soldiers through history went to battle with something way more specialized, almost anyone who could carry the sword would, often even choosing it over better armour if he cannot afford or carry both. Out of the battlefield it held the title the best self-defense weapon up until revolver pistols were invented.

That being said, swords are weapons and weapons only. You cannot use them to cut firewood like battleaxes, construct the camp or set field fortifications like warhammers, or use them as carving knives like daggers and have you ever heard of people going hunting with a sword? (actually, yes. There were specialized hunting swords, as well as hunting axes, and crossbows, and even maces. Basically the entire arsenal could be used for hunting.) Going against a bear with a sword is generally a fucking stupid idea, even more so if you face things like battle elephants; you need either pole-arms or ranged weapons against them unless you have a death wish. Their sole function is to kill other humans. To warriors and societies run by warriors it's only natural that some symbolism would wear off.

Considering all this, it's strange that swords are the go-to weapons of your average melee [[murderhobo]]s in any fantasy setting where they are supposed to fight giants and dragons on a daily basis. Though this may partly be the fault of unimaginative game designers or GMs, as the majority of magic weapons tend to be swords, or else you need to specialize in order to train with another weapon even if said weapon would realistically require less training in real life. Then again, murderhobos almost exclusively fight in duels and smaller skirmishes rather than large formation warfare, where bringing a pike or other main battlefield weapon would be stupid in comparison. The close confines of the average dungeon also rule out the use of polearms in most cases, to say nothing of the ability to carry a sword and still leave the other hand free.

== Dissection of swords in battle ==
Because swords are so versatile, it's best to go over a few of their various benefits to the user and why they're so commonly used:

*'''Balance:''' To start off, most combat swords have their center of mass near the handle. This means you have much better control over their movement than with any other weapon, able to stop it or change the movement angle much faster. However this same balance has a double edge, thanks to their good balance a sword can't hit as hard as an unbalanced weapon since you have less weight and mass at the point of impact. It's why relatively untrained axemen and halberds are still a strong threat, the heavy weight of the head means that when you hit, you hit hard, even if it is hard to change your blow's speed or angle and it's why swordsmen need more training than with other weapons.

*'''Defense:''' Swords also offer more protection than most other weapons - most swords are one handed, so it's easy to use a shield with most types. You can also use them to parry other weapons if you're really desperate, however parrying anything but another sword is generally difficult and/or dangerous. Spears, pole-arms, and other weapons designed for thrusting (including some swords) are hard to parry, weapons that have gathered huge momentum, such as axes or maces, would have a high chance of damaging either your weapon or your hand, or throwing you off your balance and flails (at full speed) can hardly be parried at all, but that's to be expected given it's their main shtick. However the sword shines in attacking first before they build up the momentum which the sword's superior agility can allow. Or, if you are skilled enough, you can try to redirect their momentum so their weapon misses you instead of parrying it head-on with your edge and then counter-attack while they are trying to recover. Most swords also usually include crossguards to protect the hands of anybody using them unlike... pretty much every other common weapon.

*'''Training Time:''' One of the worst things about swords, they require more skill than most other close combat weapons, and while untrained militiamen with spears, halberds, or axes still could be a threatening foes, untrained men with swords possess a danger mainly to themselves. While high skill floor is a definite disadvantage, skill ceiling with a sword fighting is also much higher than with most other weapons, meaning if you can dump a lot of time into training sword training would give you more result - one more reason for it to be a staple weapon of warrior/noble classes in most culture. Additionally, a sword is just a sharp metal stick with a handle, so if you manage to master it, most of the core swordsmanship skills and martial art basics in general transfer well to other long, shafted weapons like axes, spears and quarterstaves, if you decide to train in using them.

*'''Space:''' One-handed swords require much less space to build momentum, so you can effectively use them in a tight shoulder-to-shoulder formation (unlike axes, maces and hammers), even two-handed swords will usually have a Ricasso (an unsharpened part of the blade immediately above the crossguard) which can be used to allow them to fight better in close quarters and even if they don't, they still don't require nearly as much space as great axes or two-handed warhammers and if you're really hard pressed (let's say somebody comes at you in armor), a fighting technique of the time was to just use the pommel at the end of the grip and just clobber your opponent with it (a German technique called "mordhau" meaning "murder stroke"); after all, this is the origin for English word "pummel". Or you could hold the sword in the middle (even though it's sharp, it's okay if you use gloves; it's called half-swording) and use it like a makeshift short spear, doing quick jabs with its point or trying to wrestle your opponent to the ground by using your sword as a lever. All of these are fairly good techniques for very close quarters combat, and can be seen in historical manuals (yes, ''manuals'').

*'''Availability and Reliability:''' Swords ran the gamut between very cheap and very expensive, more so than pretty much any other weapon of the time. Using England in the middle ages as an example, a sword could cost between 3 pence and thousands of pounds. A line archer made 3 pence a day on average while a professional archer made around 10. This means that the cheapest of swords were extremely affordable for pretty much anyone who actually needed them (remember, mythical beasts didn't tend to run around in real life), even if the sword was of lower quality it was still a tool of war and useable. Depending on the period of time and region, swords were legally made "nobility only" weapons of status, though in practice many people got around this through rule lawyering, most commonly by simply calling a particular type of sword a "big knife." Fun-fact: the rapier (commonly thought of as a nobility-only dueling sword) was an extremely common back-up weapon for soldiers.

*'''Lethality:''' How a sword kills is entirely dependent on the type of sword that it is (this will be covered more later). The main types of damage they inflict could be divided into three categories:
:*''Slashing'' deals huge, extremely painful and bleeding wounds. The pain alone would incapacitate most foes, leaving them to the finishing blow, and if you didn't finish them, they would just bleed to death in a matter of minutes. It's effective against opponents with partial armor, prevalent through most of the history, as limb hits are just as painful and lethal as body hits, and limbs are usually more exposed, and if your opponent happen to have no chest piece, disemboweling becomes a nice effective option. Two main issues with slashing is that pretty much any armor renders it completely useless, and that opponents with high enough pain tolerance (Berzerkers and Mameluks did it through painkiller drugs) can continue fighting for minutes even with their lethal wounds, taking their killers (and likely more poor bastards) with them.
:*''Stabs'' from a sword on the on the other hand can be instantly fatal since if you hit someone pretty much anywhere on the torso you are almost guaranteed to hit an organ that's full of blood like a liver or a kidney, and then have the blood pour out of the big hole you just made in them. The issue with stabs is if your opponent wears any kind of metal armor on his torso (like all soldiers worth their salt before the age of the musketeer), your stabs generally cannot do shit unless you manage to get that sharp point between the gaps between the plates. Another issue with stabs is that they lack in stopping power, and while they're considerably more immediately lethal than any other attacking move other than chopping the head off, they're not ''instantly'' lethal, so they guy you've just impaled on your sword still have few seconds to take you with him if he's angry, crazy or high enough.
:*''Half-swording'', or grabbing your sword by the blade and stabbing it at the enemy like a spear. It may seem utterly retarded at first, and you need a bit of practice not to cut off your fingers, but works surprisingly well against armoured opponent. If you encounter an enemy in full plate, chain-mail, or a fully padded gamberson, you'd better forget about hitting him with a blade, as it would only serve to damage your weapon, as swords don't cut through metal well. Like at all. You'd be far better with ''bashing'' him with a pommel with a related half-swording technique known as "mordhau" (German for "deathblow"). Alternatively called Mordstreich or Mordschlag, it consists of holding your sword by the blade with both hands while the pommel is facing forward, and bashing your enemy with a pommel or a cross-guard like a makeshift mace or warhammer respectively. A good tactic would be using the mordhau to either beat your armored opponent senseless (assuming your sword doesn't have a sharpened crossguard to pierce stressed metal like a pickax) or snag his leg by the crossguard and pull to trip him before flipping the blade and half-swording it to stab into any gaps in their armor such as joints or the neck. The two techniques were infamous to the point that swordsmanship manuals had whole pages dedicated to countering half-swording and mordhau techniques. By the end of the Medieval period, when plate became widespread, pommels and cross guards became arguably more important than the blade itself, especially if you want to [[Meme|End Him Rightly]]. And if you hold your sword with the main hand on the handle and the off-hand on the blade close to the tip you get a short spear or a dagger with a very long handle, that you can jam between the plates of your opponent's armor. It was also a good way to use the Zweihander against pike and halberd formations: You used the long blade to cast the pikes aside, and when you're inside the ranks you switch to half-swording and started slashing and stabbing around.
:*"Chopping" is more common in axes, but the element is still present in some swords. The chopping value of a heavy, weighted sword allows it to slice through tissue and bone, cutting off part or all or a limb or neck. In areas with plentiful armour, this feature is less effective and therefore less common. However, warm areas such as Southeast Asia have machete-like blades intended to do just that.

== Types of Swords ==
<div class="toccolours mw-collapsible mw-collapsed" style="100%">

Unlike, say, the [[spear]] or the [[mace]], which were pretty much the same all over, swords, being essentially jack-of-all-trades weapons that could also be designed to excel in specific circumstances, came in a bewildering array of shapes and sizes to fit the needs of the people using them. This is not a complete list (nor should it be, go to wikipedia's page on "Types of swords"), but it should give you a good introduction.
<div class="mw-collapsible-content">
===The Ancient Days===

A fair number of early bronze age swords look like big knives, because that was basically what they were. Societies figured out bronze working or learned it from someone else, found out that they could make serviceable bronze knives like their older rock ones, then began enlarging the shape. They also were composed of just a blade with a handle (or hilt) bolted on, rather than having a tang, Others were simply a single piece of bronze with maybe some leather or cloth tied around the handle to make it easier to hold. While bronze is quite easy to forge and shape, it's relative rarity compared to iron and it's softness means that bronze wasn't an ideal cutting material; swords made of bronze can't be too large or they'll bend after a strike, and they can't hold an edge as well. Later societies moved to iron, and then steel, once they mastered the smelting techniques necessary, which made swords more available.

[[image:Khopesh.jpg|thumb|300px|right|An Egyptian Khopesh, a serviceable first draft that would be overshadowed by latter models]]

*'''Khopesh''': One of the oldest varieties of sword with a distinct sickle shape. Originally of Egyptian design, this weapon's distinctive blade allowed it to cut, hook shields, and even thrust. It was fairly good for its day in the bronze age, but in that day armor better than leather or padded cloth was a rarity. Its time was done once [[mail|chainmail]] and scale armor became common in the iron age. Despite most fantasy depictions of khopeshes having them as long as longswords, these blades were fairly small at 50-60 cm, since anything bigger made out of bronze tended to get bent easily. A related blade, the shotel, was also used among the Ethiopian people while other similar blades were adopted in the Middle East during the Bronze Age.
*'''Kopis''': An ancient Greek short sword from the age of Hoplites, about 50-70 centimeters long. It curved inward and was a single bladed weapon on the inward curve. This did limit flexibility in slashing attacks somewhat when compared with swords with blades on both sides, but meant that a sharper edge could be put on the edged side, which was important since at this point the Greeks only had bronze to make weapons, which does not hold an edge very well. A similar sword, the Falcata, was used by the Spanish, which also featured a knuckle guard.
*'''Xiphos''': Another Greek short sword, this one was double-edged and the blade resembled more of a leaf shape, giving it some extra heft toward the point. A secondary, cut-and-thrust weapon.
*'''Gladius''': The standard sword of the Roman Legions, a short sword about 60 to 80 centimeters long. This sword was the (main?) weapon for the average Roman legionary. As one of the smallest one handed swords of its time, the gladius was decent at chopping and slashing, but excelled at stabbing; combined with Roman shield formations and the bash-step-stab-block move, this gave it a deceptively large effective range surpassed only by [[polearm]]s. The fact that Roman legionnaire maniples were able to crush Macedonian phalanxes in melee should tell you a lot about their effectiveness (though outflanking the formation helped). It was later phased out in favor of the longer spatha (a cavalry weapon adapted by the infantry, mainly as a reaction to increasingly mounted adversaries), which was itself a precursor to the viking sword, and by extension arming swords and longswords. (Historians are actually still divided on whether the pilum, a cross between a javelin and a spear, or the gladius was the legionnaire's main weapon. What is know is that each legionnaire carried two pilii and a gladius, but whether they were supposed to throw both and engage with their swords or keep one to engage in melee and only draw their sword later is unclear, with surviving evidence hinting at both tactics being used.)
*'''Macuahuitl''': Also called the Macana or just "obsidian sword", these were Mesoamerican swords, made without the use of any metalworking. They consisted of a sturdy wooden paddle whose edge was beset with rows of sharpened obsidian. This made the sword ridiculously sharp, but also prone to chipping.
*'''Leiomano''': The Polynesian version of the macuahuitl, usually made of hardwood clubs strung with "blades" of shark teeth. Some versions were made with marlin/swordfish bills as piercing weapons, or were given spiked wooden pommels so you could cut and stab with opposite ends of the weapon.

===Medieval Times===

As a rule, during the Middle Ages in Europe most peoples settled on straight double edged swords for the most part.

*'''Arming Sword''': Also known as the side-sword, this was a one handed weapon about 70 to 90 centimeters pretty much carried by every decently equipped man-at-arms/archer/spearman/knight ever. This was also the sword that developed the cruciform crossguard, which would be used by nearly every European sword design due to its defense value and versatility. Often carried with a shield of some sort, it can also be used if your main weapon breaks or happens to be too long to use in corridors. The standby weapon of knights, it retained some degree of use even after the advent of longswords due to their greater degree of adaptability. When most people hear the word "sword", this sword is what most often comes to mind. Often incorrectly called a longsword in games and other fiction.
:*'''Viking Sword''': Often considered the progenitor of the arming sword, the Viking swords featured ornamental hilts, and many had unusually high-quality steel for their time, particularly the [[wikipedia:Ulfberht_swords|Ulfberht swords]].
:*'''Messer''' A straight single-edged sword, this German weapon also featured an early knuckleguard called a "Nagel", or nail, which became very useful for parrying blows. It may have later had a role in the evolution of the dussack, and other proto-sabers.
*'''Longsword''': A 90 to 120 cm long knightly sword, befit of any self-respecting knightly individual, it's your two-handed or hand and a half go-to man killer with multiple functions such as sword(duh), crowbar, spear, and hammer. Though there are dozens of techniques to use the longsword, two of the most common and useful styles are the Italian and German styles. The Italian longsword technique allowed wielders to strike and parry quickly, greatly emphasizing on using the general physics of a longsword combined with well planned footwork. The German style of "half-swording" (gripping the sword with the right hand on the handle and the left on the percussion point of the sword) this technique allowed the wielder to use the sword like a crowbar and fight armored opponents more efficiently in close quarters, the objective being to use the sword to catch and topple opponents, leaving them vulnerable to follow-up attacks through gaps in their armor. It is also good to note that the longsword strikes faster and harder than the arming sword because two hands are used to wield it (though it could be wielded with one hand in order to use a shield in the other, albeit not quite as effectively).
*'''Falchion''': This single-edged sword almost resembles a great machete, designed to combine the advantages of a sword and an axe. The blade is much wider in order to increase its weight, giving it better chopping power at the expense of balance and thrusting ability. Interestingly enough, there is very little information on how falchions were used in combat, though it is theorized that it was used with a shield (quite unlike the common fantasy depiction of a big two-handed fuck-off machete).
*'''Cinquedea''': Literally "five fingers", this Venetian blade straddled the line between a short sword and a long dagger (about 18-20 inches). One noteworthy feature was that the blade was obscenely wide, being as wide as five fingers, hence the name. It was a civilian weapon used in narrow streets, and frequently pimped out with etched blades. While the wide blade won't do much good against armor, it can give an unarmored opponent a pretty nasty wound.
*'''Estoc''': When plate armor became more common, some men carried the Estoc, which was basically a longsword with no sharpened edges but a very sharp and narrow point. The edges were left unsharpened, partly because a slash does no good against most armor, and partly because the actual blade wasn't flat and wide, but thick and narrow, reducing flex and making it more rigid for dealing with heavy armor. The blade could be triangular, square, or even hexagonal.
*'''Greatsword''': Or Zweihander, is a mighty 120-150 centimeter blade that appeared somewhere around the 15th century which was mainly carried by fuckhuge men with fuckhuge biceps and fuckhuge balls whose jobs were to run forth as the vanguard and hack enemy pikes, pikemen, swordsmen, and occasionally cavalry to meaty chunks or to guard vulnerable flanks. Greatswords bear many of the same qualities as the longsword, though it was a bit slower and struck harder due to the weight, and also require even '''more''' training. One unique ability of the Greatsword was that it could be wielded like a short spear, featuring an extra handguard past the primary hilt. Good greatswords were some of the most expensive close combat weapons in medieval Europe, and good [[landsknecht]]s were the most expensive foot soldiers, but for the good reason, as they combined the devastating killing blow and armor piercing capability of the axe, speed of the sword, and were also able do chop through tough spear or halberd formations (and mind you Swiss pikemen, and later halberdiers, were the deathstars of this era). This, however, comes at a great risk, as while a highly skilled landsknecht can swing the zweihander pretty fast, he cannot react fast enough to reliably block enemy strikes because of the fuckhuge momentum of his sword, leaving him vulnerable to counter-attack if something survives his swing - even while they usually wore heavy armor, landsknechts were known to die young.
:*'''Claymore''': Scottish variant of the Greatsword. The claymore is distinguished by its forward-sweeping hilt ending in [[wikipedia:quatrefoil|quatrefoils]]. Not to be confused with later basket-hilted swords of the same name. These things stuck around for use as weapons into the Napoleonic era, for their intimidation and national pride as much as practicality.

===The Far East===
{{topquote|In few countries has the sword had so much attention and honour paid it as in Japan; for regarded as being of divine origin, it has been worshipped as such.|Francis James Norman, ''The Fightning Man of Japan'' (1905)}}
Like in the West, the peoples of East Asia made use of a wide and diverse variety of swords which evolved on their own lines. Here are a few of these.

*'''Katana:''' The unstoppable God-weapons that can cleave through tanks, cut through time, and cure cancer. ''No wait, come back!'' That's all bull and no one who isn't stupid disputes this. ''But'', they were perfectly functional swords for their place and time. See the "Folded a thousand times" section below to learn why.
:*'''Wakizashi''' - essentially a shortsword version of the Katana, it is usually worn alongside the the Katana as a visual badge of status for the samurai but can also be used in situations where a katana would be too unwieldy to use (e.g. in narrow corridors).
:*'''Tachi''' - The katana's predecessor was between 68 to 79 cm long and had slightly more curvature, though direct visual comparison would be difficult. The real difference is how the blade was signed by the smith and the way it was worn (edge down) compared to a katana (edge up), even the word "''Katana''" means "''Sword that is different from a tachi''." The additional length and the extra curvature made the blade more suitable for cavalry, which was the primary role of the samurai at the time. The later katana was shorter and straighter which was more practical for a footman or a duelist. It replaced the old single edged, straight bladed swords in Japan called "Chokutō" after the Japanese were subject to the effectiveness of curved sabers during the Mongol invasions. Another related type of blade, which descended from the Tachi, is the "Uchigatana."
:*'''No-Dachi''' ''(or O-dachi)'' - Translates as "Fuck-Massive Tachi" which was the Japanese version of the greatsword. Made famous to the west by [[/v/|Sephiroth]]. They had a blade usually 120 to 150 cm length and was a weapon intended for infantry, though the shortest could also be used on horseback, though it then focused on downward cuts rather than side to side slashes which could rape hordes (Samurai prefered to use bows or Yari (Sengoku) and Naginata (prior Sengoku) when on horseback, since it did a better job than making one's Tachi longer). Some of the biggest Nodachi include ''Tarômaru'' (Nagasa 180cm, Zenchô 262cm, 7.2 kg, forged in Kamakura period, widely considered to be the golden age of Nihontô), ''Nenekirimaru'' (Zenchô 324cm, Nagasa 215cm, weight unknown, forged in Nanbokuchô period) or ''Tarôtachi'' (Nagasa 220cm, 4.5 kg, total lenght around 3m). The latter belonged to a Sengoku period General, [[Gabriel Seth|Makara Jûrôzaemon Naotaka]], who actually [[Kor'sarro Khan|wielded it on horseback]]. Such swords are the longest, biggest and highest quality blades around. Generally got banned by the Tokugawa Shogunate when they legislated how long a samurai's swords could be, so most of them got cut down or relegated to ceremonial duties. A lower quality version of the Nodachi called Wodao (Japanese Sword) was used by the Chinese after a Kage-ryû manual got [[looted]] by the Chinese Imperial army, who then mass produced it to use against northern barbarians in [[Landsknecht|specialized units]], unlike in Japan where only specialists individual fighters used them (contrary to popular Shogun Total War induced beliefs).
:*'''Kodachi''' Like the Messer mentioned above, a sword that's ''technically'' a knife for classes not allowed to own/carry swords.
::*'''Legendary Blades:''' So you might have heard in RPG's of the the Masamune and Muramasa blades, but in real life these actually refer to specific swordsmiths (though Japanese swords are often called by the name of their smith in a pseudo-brand sort of way) of which Masamune is the most famous, being lauded as one of the greatest sword-smiths of all time and his swords are held as national treasures even today. Muramasa came 200 years later and produced swords during the Muromachi period. In modern fantasy fiction, Masamune's blades are far more elegant and the mark of a more refined warrior while Muramasa's blades were considered to be bloodthirsty and were even banned by the Tokugawa Shogunate. Though directly comparing them is unfair, as they were both the greatest masters limited only by the processes of their time. Masamune's era had less technical knowledge to process the impurities from iron creating brittle metals, but Masamune worked this disadvantage into his blades as an artistic expression, causing crystals of impurities to form making his swords appear to sparkle. By contrast Muramasa most likely had all the same technical knowledge of Masamune in addition to 200 years of engineering development and suffered a bad reputation because the shogun of his time found himself on the wrong end of Muramasa's blades frequently enough to order them banned out of spite.
*'''To''': Korean sabers were 60 to 86cm in length and have a very similar appearance to Japanese katanas, though straighter and often with a shorter handle, making them primarily one-handed which is more suitable for its function as a cavalry saber. In fact, many katanas could have been converted into ''To'' by cutting down the length of the handle, but considering the shape of most surviving Korean swords, it is unlikely they did it a lot. Contrary to popular belief on both the Western and Eastern side of the Internet, caused by K-Pop propaganda, the [[Tau|Koreans]] DID NOT had traditional schools of swordsmanship, Muyedobotongji was published in 1790. This is because Korean had a mainly Confucianist society dispising violence under the Kingship of the Joseon dynasty, and as such had no martial culture. Before the Invasion of Korea by the Toyotomi clan's Hosts (1592 - 1598), they used mostly Chinese style Jian (referred to by them as the Geum/Gum), which the Koreans wore hung diagonaly from a waist or a shoulder in back to front. This is because the only traditional martial art of Korea was archery. Because of those reasons, the Imjin war was initialy a huge success for the Japanese Samurai armies ; on the land it failed in the end for logistic and strategic reason rather than tactical ones, and on the sea it failed due to very recently developped Korean warships (ironicaly, based on the Japanese warships), as it is often the case (for exemple, in the Satsuma rebellion during the Meiji era, the samurai rebels killed twice their numbers, but lost because they were outnumbered and lacked guns, artillery, munitions, comfort, support...). Even after the war, the Korean used mostly blades who were abandoned / forgotten during the Japanese retreat, or low quality replicas of Nihontô. All those swords were often rusted, because unlike the Japanese, Koreans didn't knew how to maintain them healthy. Some other exemples of the [[Derp|low quality of ancient Koreans replicas of Japanese swords]] include the absence of ''Kogai'' (kind of stylet) and thus the uselessness of holes in Korean ''Tsuba'', the absence of ''Shinogi'' (or only 1 sided Shinogi) or the use of hardware to keep the blade inside the sheath (while the Japanese Sword do have a Habaki that will fit the Saya perfectly). Those latter Korean swords' sheath were not kept hung by the swordsman, but thrown away as to not be bothersome, and indeed, none of the many illustrations of Korean ancient martial arts books are shown wearing a sheath, and does not mention the sheating process (unlike Japanese ''Iaijutsu'' and ''Battôjutsu''). One might hence wonder from where does come from Haidong Kumdo, Taekwondo, Hapkido and others. Those were in fact derived from Japanese Martial Arts taught to Koreans by the Japanese for purposes of cultural exchange and peaceful cohabitation through sportsmanship, mostly during the occupation in the Shôwa era, which is why they use Japanese inspired clothing, weapons and techniques, but also have controversial stories when trying to pass as older as they really are (mostly for [[Edgy|Nationalistic purposes]]).
**Of note, you might have heard of the '''ninja-to''', a fictional weapon invented by Hollywood to be used as props for movie [[Ninja]]s and perpetuated by RPGs and video games (including D&D). Well the Korean ''to'' is probably the closest physical analogue to the ninja-to (besides the Chokutō that was replaced by the Tachi and Katana) as there has never been any historical evidence of ninja-to's as a ninja would never be stupid enough to carry a weapon that would identify him as such. Save for the Japanese Historicaly acurate ''Shikomizue'', which came in a variety of forms, some easier to hide than others (similar to the European cane sword).

[[File:Chinese_Dadao.jpg|thumb|300px|right|The Chinese 29th Division all carrying dadao against katana-wielding IJA troops.]]

*'''Dadao:''' A Chinese sabre meaning "Big Knife" in English. It has a thick, long, curved blade, and often has a handle half-as big as the blade itself, much like a very thick falchion or großemesser two-handed sword. Alongside it's smaller partner, the Jian, it was a member of the classical Chinese quartet of weapons as mentioned below. This made the blade extremely durable and tough. During World War II, the Chinese Nationalists used them for defending Chinese territory against Japanese invaders. To just about everyone's surprise, was actually fairly effective in deterring any Japanese troops from getting too close, which was very useful when your foe likes to bayonet charge when they run out of ammunition. One highly specialized division, the 29th, (Ershi jiu jun) specialized in the dadao and became infamous for their beheading cavalry raids. It's name is also shared by a sword from the Naga people of India alongside other tribes in south eastern asia but that design has a long rectangular shaped blade with no pointed tip and slightly wider edges at the front. Another relative, the dha, is a form of curved saber in South Eastern Asia, it is also referred to as the daab or darb and featuring a round cross guard like those on Japanese swords.

*'''Jian:''' A straight, double edged sword from China, it was first made during the Warring States Period with a wide blade similar to a gladius before evolving overtime with the blade become narrower and with a wider crossguard (similar to the arming sword in Europe). It was deemed the "gentleman" of weapons within the classical Chinese quartet of weapons (the others being the Gùn staff, Qiang spear, and the Dao sabre). A related sword, the "Taijijian," is also used alongside it on classical sword play.

*'''Bolo:''' A Phillipine sword that resembles a machete in almost every aspect. Originally designed as an agricultural tool for cutting rattan and bamboo, it comes in many shapes and lengths, but your battle-ready bolo was typically between 60-90cm with a wide, slightly curved blade. The bolo lacks a cross guard, leaving the hand vulnerable, but the traditional martial arts of the region (Kali/Eskrima/Arnis, depending on when/where/who you’re asking) favor using it more like an axe, with the sword arm frequently in constant motion. When the Spanish showed up in the 16th/17th centuries they outlawed both the weapon and the martial arts, leading it to be kept alive through practice and ritual using hardened rattan sticks which are still used for practice in the sport today. Sometimes paired with a second Bolo (for maximum shred) or a dagger called a Begaw or, the latter of which grew in popularity under the Spanish who imported their style of Espada y Daga (English: sword and dagger).

===Other places===

The guys outside of east Asia and Europe did some swordsmithing of their own, here we acknowledge their contributions to the world of swords.
*'''Ida''': A sword design native to Sub Saharan Africa (specifically Nigeria). There were a fair number of several types of swords used by sub-Saharan African peoples, some of which being similar to Middle Eastern scimitars, a few of which having a fairly common straight sword shape more commonly associated with European swords and others had rather exotic shapes. The ida is notable for having a straight blade which bulges towards the point.

*'''Macuahuitl:''' Some would dispute this weapon is a sword, but it still deserves a mention. The macuahuitl is from Central America and was used by the Aztecs and such civilization. Basically, imagine a paddle with grooves in the narrow faces that hold sharpened obsidian to make the cutting edge. Shards of obsidian can get really really damn sharp, sometimes having a monomolecular edge (confirmed by electron microscope imaging), and as such a macuahuitl could cut through flesh and bone like nobody's business. But this sharpness comes from obsidian's nature as a volcanic ''glass'', which means when a macuahuitl went up against metallic armor (such as, for example, the breastplate worn by a Spanish conquistador), said bits of glass would shatter and leave its wielder helpless against the wearer of the aforementioned armor. The Spaniards, though, feared the Aztec warriors, who could almost behead their horses in but one swing.

*'''Scimitar:''' A family of swords of Middle Eastern design, including a number of offshoots such as the tulwar or shamshir, the scimitar was a curved single bladed sword, but could be one-handed or two-handed depending on its function or region of manufacture. Was made extremely popular by [[Drizzt]], who was famous for fighting with two of them on foot, though historically they were far more suited for fighting from horseback as the curved blade allows for fly-by attacks without the blade getting caught in the victim's bodies and pulling the rider off his horse. Replacing the double edged straight Saif swords the Arab used to use after seeing the speedy effectiveness of Turkish & Mongol sabers, these blades were lighter than European counterparts (such as the sabre and the falchion) and had limited flexibility (since they only had one edge), but they were remarkably quick and sharp. Scimitars are one of the few blade weapons still in actual use today, with some Middle Eastern nations using them for executions of criminals. Fantasy scimitars and real scimitars are often two entirely different beasts. Fantasy scimitars tend to look like thinner, slightly more curved sabers while real scimitars were usually very thin and had such an extreme curve it was essentially impossible to stab with them.

*'''Yatagan:''' An inward-curved sword, popularized by Turkish Janissary, and adopted by many nations that fought against them or were conquered by them. Legally counted as a knife (seeing a trend here?), since Janissary being slave-soldiers weren't allowed to wield swords which were weapons of free people. Notable by being the least skill-demanding sword in the Middle East and later Balkans and being not as terrible at fighting people in armor as most other swords.

===Sword and Shot===

The age of the sword did not end the second someone worked out that a combination of a strong tube with one end sealed off, some black powder, and some pebbles could be used to shoot one's enemies. Swords and [[Firearm|guns]] coexisted for nearly a thousand years. The following latter day swords arose and were used alongside (and sometimes by) arquebusier, msuketeers, dragoons, and riflemen:

*'''Flamberge''': Not actually a sword but a technique for making a blade meaning "Flame Bladed Sword" which was a primarily decorative single handed blade usually used by officers who practiced rapier forms. While it could be said that the blades caused more damage due to the curves on the edge giving a saw-like motion with each swing; remember that rapier forms were practiced during the gunpowder-era where there were much easier ways to kill a man, and to properly utilise this in combat would require a very different form that required swinging rather than thrusting. Therefore the flamberge's REAL benefit was that anyone who attempted to parry a strike from a waved blade would catch their sword on the curves and unbalance their hold on their own weapon or make their arms ache. This is all theory, of course, as the minor discomfort from parrying a flammarded blade would only really build up over time... and personal combat doesn't last that long.

*'''Flambard''': Forget what you think you know from fantasy books and video games, flambards are the two handed versions of flamberges. Unfortunately the terminology has been confused mostly by fanboys and collectors in the same manner as katanas have been. Just like a zweihander blade, flambards were meant to be heavy and the blows inflicted by them were absolutely lethal, so you could easily chop lumps out of dudes stupid enough to get close to you. On the other hand, the waved blade served a different purpose than the flamberge, of focusing force in a smaller area, thus increasing cutting power in a similar way axes do. This allowed it to cut through shields and armour almost as good as great axes (and don't get stuck inside them as often ass axes tend to), while retaining the speed and versatility of the zweihander. Flambard got a really bad reputation, due to ragged wounds left by it's waved blade having a nasty tendency of catching a gangrene (as this factors in ''after'' the battle it ''does not give the wielder any advantage'', maybe aside some psychological pressure if his opponent knows about this effect), so people assumed the blade itself was "wicked", "cursed", or even "demonic" - during the Reformation wars people carrying ones were often blamed as Devil-worshipers by Catholics (who banned it as unholy weapon) and subsequently BLAMmed, which naturally meant surrender was not an option for flambard-wielding protestant landsknechts. In a way this reputation had partially carried to modern days, where flambards are often carried by villains and outright demons in fantasy or even historical fiction. Once again, this is all theory and there has been no proven advantage to having a flammarded blade. In fact, many historians lump the flamberge style weapons in with the flambard style weapons as it is simply that, a blade style.

*'''Kriegsmesser''': A single-edged rigid top-heavy balanced longsword (sometimes slightly curved, sometimes not), favored by many German and Swedish mercenaries during the clusterfuck the 30-year war was. Basically what katanas should have been if Japanese swordsmiths had all the technology Europeans stole from Arabs (who stole it from Indians) and all the juicy high-quality iron ore - it had the same benefit of easy cutting even without much training (very useful for a merc), but made with a spring steel it was quite resilient to bending and chipping, and of course it had cross-guards and a pommel, unlike it's eastern analogue. Despite the benefit of ease of use, however, the main reason mercenaries used kriegsmesser was because in some of the German states it was illegal for a commoner to own a "knightly" longsword. It was mostly used as a sidearm alongside some-pole-arm or a musket, and later fell out of use in favor of much cheaper arming swords.

*'''Cutlass''': A European broadsword from the age of Enlightenment. Cutlasses had a point which went off to one side and were often slightly curved, but were usually double bladed. A very effective weapon for chopping and cutting. The stereotypical user of this sword is a pirate, which is not an exaggeration as it was commonly used by sailors and pirates during the age of sail, though it also saw use on the ground in the hands of infantry. Cutlasses were still used into the first world war, although they had largely been superseded by close-combat firearms.

*'''Basket-hilted sword''': A medium length, heavy, straight, double edged blade with a heavy guard for the hand. Suitable for both chopping and stabbing, these were generally used by armored cavalry between the English civil war and the Napoleonic wars. The basket hilt served to protect the sword hand (try fighting and controlling a horse one-handed) and could be used to punch with.

*'''Rapier:''' As firearms became more prominent, swords became relegated to the purposes of self-defense and dueling rather than full-fledged military warfare. Unlike most swords, rapiers possess long, thin blades (commonly about a meter long and 2.5 centimeters wide) with a sharpened point- useless for cutting, (somewhat untrue. While there were edgeless rapiers, the term "rapier" comes from and includes the Spanish espada ropera "dressing sword" which popularized the thin, long sword archetype in europe and was sharp enough to allow a strong man to cut a pig in two. They were used mostly for thrusting simply because period clothing was too thick to reliably cut through regardless of blade edge) but perfect for thrusting. They were frequently made with elaborate hilts meant to guard the wielder's hands more effectively, preventing them from being disarmed (both figuratively and literally). Over time, the rapier evolved into the smallsword; as the name suggests, the blade was made shorter and the hilt was simplified. At this point, they served more as status symbols than weapons in their own right, as duels to the death (at least with swords) had become increasingly frowned upon. While often portrayed in media as light and flexible due to their conflation with their descendents, the modern fencing foil and épée, real life rapiers were nothing but: they were about as heavy as an arming swords and about as stiff as technologically possible, and given they were longer than arming swords, fighting with a rapier was actually more taxing on the wielder's strength, contrary to "go-to weapon for [[-4 Str|girls and feminine guys]]" reputation they have nowadays. Rapiers were actually extremely common as infantry weapons and were not the sole purview of the nobility, with their identification as a noble's weapon occurring long after their military use had ceased. Smallswords are still used by some military branches as part of their formal/ceremonial uniforms. In some dense areas, such as Venice and Italy where street violence was common but guns would attract attention, rapier fighting evolved to use small metal shields as well.

*'''Pistol Sword:''' In the 1600s, someone got a bright idea that seemed ingenious at the time: what if you stuck a [[firearm|gun]] barrel onto the side of a sword so you wouldn't have to fumble around changing your weapons in the middle of a battle? Unfortunately they were born well before they could make this into a videogame weapon, and much like most things in real life, the answer was not as cool as it sounds - instead of getting a weapon that could be used both as a sword and a pistol, you got a sword that was unbalanced and a pistol that was too heavy to aim with (and was also too expensive to mass-produce). Needless to say, they weren't all that popular, and remained more of a curiosity than anything else. The one thing they were good at was finishing game, so rich guys bought them to show off when hunting.

*'''Saber:''' The last type of sword to see any type of major military use. After firearms became the dominant battlefield weapon, sabers were still primarily used by infantry officers and cavalry up until WWI, when cavalry was finally made obsolete by machineguns and trench warfare, and more portable short-range firearms such as revolvers and submachineguns were readily available. Some officers still carry sabers today, such as those of the US Marine Corps, though for purely ceremonial purposes. While both cutlasses and sabers are curved weapons, the saber is distinguished from a cutlass in that they were mostly derived from the Middle-eastern Mameluke sword, being longer and more slender than the thick and short cutlass. The extra reach was more useful for cavalry while the weight of a cutlass was unnecessary for attacking at a full gallop.

*'''Shashka:''' When Russians conquered the Caucasian mountains, they banned locals from owning swords because they tended to rebel all the time and because it was a good excuse to prosecute undesirables. Apparently Russians weren't paying attention to German and Turkish history, and predictably the Caucasians made a saber that by legal definition counted as a big knife and named it (you guess it) "A Big Knife", or Shashka in Adyghe. It's heavier and straighter than a proper saber and lacks a guard, so it's a bit worse at drive-bying people from a horseback, but better at slicing them open when fighting on foot, being a bit of an all-rounder well suited for a region that favors cavalry that can fight on foot (because of all that mountains and valleys). Naturally, Russian cossacks that handled the brunt of peacekeeping/oppressing (depending on your view) work in the region found out it was a damn fine weapon for the task and adopted it to the point it quickly became their hallmark weapon. Later shashkas became so popular in Russia they almost pushed out sabers from the military and civilian use and by the late 18th century only hussars and high nobility were still using sabers instead of shashkas. Modern Russian Cossacks still wear them, but nowadays they're mostly ceremonial. Though is it really a good idea to piss off a Cossack?

*'''Machete''': Somewhere between a short sword and a long knife, the machete is, like the bayonet, still with us today. Essentially a short one-handed blade with a curved edge, it is mostly intended for cutting through undergrowth in tropical climates in the modern era. However, it is just as effective at cutting through flesh, and the ease of their acquisition by civilians has made them popular among guerillas and other paramilitary forces, especially in Latin America and parts of West Africa.

*'''Kukri''': Same story as the Machete, except in Nepal, India, and surrounding areas. The sharpened edge curves forward in a vaguely boomeranged shape, excellent for chopping through vegetation. Still standard issue in several armies and paramilitary police units, famously the Gurkha Contingent in Singapore.

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== Sword related stupidity ==

There is oh so much of it...

=== Carrying a sword ===

For some reason, everyone in fiction carries their sword on either the left hip or on the back, from the right shoulder to the left hip. The latter we will come to in a moment, first we will discuss the hip-holstered sword.

While it is certainly true that carrying a sword on the hip opposed to one's sword arm, one has plenty of room to dramatically unsheathe their sword. In the Middle Ages and earlier though, this was not done like that for a few practical reasons. First up is the shield: when one is in formation and wants to draw their swords having a raised shield in one hand means that one has to keep their shield hand out of the way when drawing their sword, compromising their defense. If one is mounted on a [[horse]] (like a [[knight]]) however, the sword is not carried on the opposing hip for a different reason: drawing one's sword form the opposing hip would mean either pulling the sword past the reins or the horse's neck, which might very well result in cutting the reins or the animal's neck. These two problems for both mounted and pedestrian soldiers was solved in a very simple way: the sword was carried on the same hip as one's sword arm. This limits one's drawing distance, but unless one is a [[C.S.Goto|deformed munchkin]] you should be perfectly fine drawing a one-handed sword from the same hip as the sword arm. The katana on the other hand were carried on the opposite hip, but this was because the Katana was a slashing weapon as such you could turn your draw motion into a cut.

The second point is back-mounted sheaths. Useful for carrying, not combat. Unless you are Dhalsim from Street Fighter or are armed with knives you are not going to be able to draw a single-handed sword from your back. Doing so would involve over-stretching, pulling the sheath down with your shield arm (giving up your defence, a big no-no) and a short sword. Go watch a movie featuring someone with back-mounted swords: you never see them draw their weapons on-screen. And two-handed weapons are right out. Carrying a sword on your back is for hiking across open country, NOT marching to the battlefield. Soldiers armed with large two-handed swords carried them into battle much like their [[spear]]-wielding colleagues: [[Dwarf|held over the shoulders as the soldiers sung songs of war and victory.]]

===Sharpness===
There are two misconceptions about swords - one is that combat swords were rather blunt and relied on the power of impact, and another that they were sharp enough to shave with and could cut padded cloth with little to no effort. The truth as always in the middle - blunt blades are obviously stupidly impractical (such a "blunt edge" usually comes from a flanged mace, not a sword), and extra sharpness leads to a brittle blade, making the edge extremely vulnerable to chipping. Sure, in some cultures swordsmiths could get away with razor sharpness if metallic armor and shields weren't widespread and fencing styles developed in ways to avoid parrying, but really it only lasted for very long in Japan. With ''modern'' swordsmithing, using modern materials and techiques it's quite possible to make the blade both resilient and razor sharp, but even then most HEMA practitioners prefer reasonably sharp swords, because they last fucking FOREVER when made with top-grade modern steel, while razor-sharp ones made from the same stuff would ''eventually'' wear down from use.

Ironically, some of the absolute sharpest swords are also the most primitive. Stone swords made from obsidian or other vitreous (i.e, glass-like) rocks are absolutely sharp enough to shave with- hell, obsidian blades can have a cutting edge as thin as 3 nanometers (which incidentally makes them prized by surgeons, who appreciate the need to make precise incisions). However, any sort of vitreous material tends to be quite brittle. Some swordsmiths circumvented this by setting many sharp "teeth" into a sturdier frame (e.g. the Aztec macuahuitl/macana that used obsidian shards embedded on the edges of what was essentially a cricket bat).

===Cutting off limbs and heads===
Possible, but heavily impractical and dangerous (to one attempting it). The reason is swords are really bad at cutting through solid hard materials, and one of such materials is bone. You can cut through a bone with a sword, but it needs excessive force, meaning either excessive speed of a swing or mass of a sword itself, to a point it becomes hard to control the sword and can lead to a dangerous overswing that leaves you '''dead''' open to counterattack if you don't end up hitting yourself by mistake. And because the sword blade isn't magically immune to damage, it '''would''' blunt, chip, or even break in contact with a human bone. Worse even, it could ''stuck'' in the bone, effectively disarming you. And the best part is, cutting ''to'' the bone most times does as much damage as cutting ''through'' it - a man with his neck arteries and veins cut is just as dead as the one with his head chopped off, and an arm or leg with severed muscles and strings is just as useless and painful as the one cut off clean. And don't even start with cleaving people in half. Machetes are better at damaging bone because they are meant to chop hard material such as wood and sugarcane, though at best it would cause a compound fracture. There are a few varieties of swords created for untrained peasants that were made to be both heavy and cheap, hoping to cause a single limb or head cut.

=== Parrying all day long ===

If you have a sword and your enemy has a sword, one thing that you can do is use your sword to stop the enemy's blade. This is called Parrying and it is a valid action in a sword fight. However, in fiction (especially visual fiction) sword fights will often involve each side constantly slashing each other for minutes at a time hitting nothing but the opponent's blade. In real life this did not happen. Usually a sword fight is over in a few swings, especially one on a battlefield. Even in a "pure" sword duel (No shields), opponents do not slash and parry continuously like how they're stereotypically portrayed in media and instead only attack in short intervals before retreating and attacking again or until one of you suffers a fatal wound. This was the case for three reasons:
*Eventually, you will suffer from fatigue and make a mistake, costing you your head if you don't take a few seconds to catch your breath and your rational opponent will be thinking the same.
*Dodging the attack completely is preferable to parrying as it leaves your sword intact and actually leaves your opponent open for an attack.
*Unless both of you have Slaaneshi-tier reflexes and are telepathic, it is nearly impossible for any sword fighter to match their opponent's moves in that magnitude for minutes-on-end that doesn't involve the duel being choreographed like a play (even if you were trained by the same teacher).

A real sword fight is NOT parrying all day, as seen [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQMqlFY7T64 here]

The first reason why this is the case is simple, the objective in a sword fight is to get your sword to hit the enemy, not his blade. The second reason is (if you have one) a shield is better suited to staving off an enemy blow than a sword. The third is that in a battle situation, you are vulnerable to another attacker if you are occupied in endless parrying. The fourth is that swords are not magically immune to other swords. If you parry a blow, your sword gets damaged, which is why the sort of "edge-to-edge" parry you always see in movies are questionable. It would dig huge divots out of the softer sword, if not both of them at once. Sword fighters of some schools tended parry with the flat of the blade unless they're using a specialized weapon with flanges or notches to catch and disarm or break the other weapon, while in others edge-to-edge was considered an acceptable move, since it provided better grip, more reliable block, better use of cross-guards and inevitable blade damage could be repaired later, while your cracked skull could not. It was a matter of [[skub]] both when sword-fighting was relevant and in modern HEMA community.

For those wondering why movies do this if it's so unrealistic and bad, it's simple: most actors and stunt doubles aren't trained swordsmen. It is however really simple to train someone that has never wielded a sword to perform a couple of very basic routines mirrored by the other actor they're 'fighting' with, resulting in safe moves where the swords rhytmically clang loudly against one another (a practice called "Flynning" or "pirate halves" after Errol Flynn swashbuckling pirate movies; or "ferrailler" in French, i.e. clanging metal together.) The cool metal-on-metal sound effects give the impression both 'combatants' are really going at it where they actually are playing it really safe; impression that can easily be enhanced with taking shots from different angles for a movie. It also means that the two characters can play off each other in various ways during the fight, complementing the illusion of a dynamic fight even further.

=== Swords and dual wielding ===

If you go to battle with a one-handed sword, you'd generally want some other weapon in your off hand as well. Ideally it should be a shield or a buckler, but lets face it: if you're going into battle, a sword is probably your sidearm, and your main weapon is likely to be two-handed or incompatible with shields in some other ways, and if you use a sword for self-defense against bandits or assassins on the town's street, chances are you didn't bring a huge-ass shield as part of your civilian outfit, and the only other weapon on you would likely be a dagger. So you grab your ''other'' sidearm, like a dagger or a small axe, or maybe even a mace or warhammer. Why not another sword? Well, wielding a single sword requires a lot of skill and attention to do it properly, and operating two requires ''more'' than twice of both, since you use the other sword with your off-hand, which by definition is weaker and less dexterous. That's not to say, master swordsmen didn't try it - some of them did, often with quite a success on tourneys and duels, but none of them was crazy enough to go to war with double swords when sword and something less skill-intensive is so much more sensible. Once you got two weapons in your hand you ''do not'' get to attack twice as often, like it's normally portrayed in traditional or video games - a good attack move requires muscle effort from a whole body, but by attacking with both hands simultaneously (like with showy "scissors" move movies and video games so love) you can only use your arms and to an extend shoulder strength. What dual wielding is really about, is attacking with one weapon and defending with another. This allows you to parry an enemy attack with one weapon and simultaneously retaliate with another, or attack with one weapon without compromising your own defense (much). So contrary to how it's normally portrayed in media and games, dual-wielding is a defensive technique rather then offensive one. And you'd need that extra defense, since with one-handed weapons you would have lower reach. This is also the reason why people didn't block enemy attacks by both their weapons crossed, which is another showy but extremely impractical move popularized by media - one weapon is almost always enough to deflect a blow, and using both you'd just throw away the immediate counter-attack feature, which is the prime selling point of double-wielding. Now double-wielding might look to you like a poor man's sword-and-shield style, but there is one more thing: your options for attack angles are doubled with two different lethal weapons no less, which makes defending against your attacks hell of a lot more difficult for your opponent. Sure, shields and bucklers could and would be used for bashing people, but it's nowhere near as lethal as dagger or axe to the face.

Now, in the Renaissance there was such a thing called the main-gauche or "parrying dagger," but these usually required special training to use effectively, and some models came with specialized designs to aid in parrying; for example, "swordbreakers" had notches to catch the enemy blade and twist it out of their hands, while the trident dagger had spring-loaded sides that could also catch the blade. However, daggers were not used to attack unless the wielder was able to lock blades and close in... which would put you in range of the other guy's dagger as well.

Another notable exception are the Chinese Butterfly Swords, a pair of short single-edged swords used in Wing Chun martial arts. The blades have to be short so that the user doesn't accidentally stab themselves as they swing them around; its also very handy to keep them short since using the swords just require the same moves as unarmed Wing Chun, so no specialized training was needed if you were already a practitioner. As far as we know, these were never used as battlefield weapons, but were pretty handy in a street fight.

=== Cutting arrows and bullets ===

Actually, this is possible: if hit straight-on, a sword will cut a bullet in half in mid-flight. Sometimes you'll see this as evidence by the Katana-cultists ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPQ1W3qobys The glorious bastards actually tried it!]) that the Katana is a uniquely sharp/strong weapon, but ''any'' blade will cut through a fast-moving block of lead, even a butter knife. The problem with this is that you are standing right behind where the bullet is going, meaning that unless your sword is shaped in such a way that it causes the bullet to split in a wide angle (This is usually done by shaping the sword's blade like long, flat diamond/parallelogram.), you are now shot twice. If you're not standing right behind where the bullet is going... why are you bothering cutting it in half? The same goes for arrows, but there is likely more batting aside involved (sort of like it goes in [[Star Wars]] with lightsabers and blaster bolts). Also the arrow won't split in half like a bullet, for various reasons related to wood grain, arrow wobble, etc. and unrelated to swords. The thing is, if you can move so fast that you can deflect incoming projectiles (the projectile from a decent [[Bows and Arrows|bow]] can easily go faster than your car does at close range) you should be able to just dodge them instead of bothering with looking fancy. But no human being is capable of dodging a battlefield's worth of arrows/bullets because those thing are just too fast and you do not (or even cannot) see them coming. So unless you're precognitive or have some kind of [[Weeaboo Fightan Magic]] you're not going to do well stopping projectiles with your sword. Oh, and this damages your sword of course. As you can see in the test video above the blade only broke on the seventh impact, but each bullet being cut chipped away at the blade... and would all other things have been equal, forging a blade costs one hell of a lot more money and time than casting and loading a cartridge. Just get the hell out of the way!

=== Pistol and Sword ===

40k is in love with combining a sword in one hand and a pistol in the other and as far as 40K weapon stupidity goes, Games Workshop actually gets it almost right this time. In ye olden times, pistols were slow to reload and inaccurate so it only made sense to have a melee weapon along with the pistol. Pirates were partially famed for this combo. Rather than shoot at range and run the risk of missing, they would close to melee range, deflect the enemy's sword, then stick the pistol in the enemy's gut and pull the trigger. Afterward, they would either drop the gun and draw another or flip it round and hold it by the barrel to use it like a club, only reloading in opportune times. Beyond pirates, this was basically universal practice among all civilian or military sailors at the time.

The other and somewhat more relevant reason that 40K uses pistol and sword was because this was a common weapon combination of the assault troopers in World War I; if you look at the Imperium's other tech, they take a lot of "inspiration" from WWI (several tanks are blatant ripoffs of real world tanks of the era). As the war progressed, commanders realized that defending a trench from an oncoming wave of men was handled sufficiently with bolt action long rifles supported by static machine guns, but these were useless when assaulting a trench. Thus, after discussing with the men who had the most experience in taking enemy trenches, they gave them the weapons they requested: small, handheld weapons that were easy to use and wield within the confines of a trench: especially pistols, trench knives, clubs, sharpened shovels (and later trench guns and sub-machineguns). These were much easier to bring to bear in narrow, muddy trenches where the rifles of the defenders were much harder to maneuver. Officers in WWI were also equipped with a sword and pistol as standard, and they weren't just for show, they'd get used both to direct their own troops and to clear trenches, both theirs and the enemy's.

Also, there are several additional reasons why it makes perfect sense in the 40k or 19th century context:
* A sword can never run out of ammunition. Handy when you are engaging [[Tyranids|a swarm of enemies]]. Though you still need to sharpen and repair it from time to time, this isn't nearly as much of a problem as it is for earlier firearms.
* A sword can parry. If you are fighting in melee against [[Orks|an opponent who prefers hand weapons]], and are armed with just a rifle or a pistol, you can only hope to hit your enemy and incapacitate him before he chops you down. Good luck doing that to an Ork. On the other hand, having a sword means you can at least try to defend yourself against other melee weapons. Makes sense now why a sword continued to be an officer's and nobleman's weapon well into the gunpowder age?
* A sword is not that noisy compared to firearms (or bolters, for that matter). Sure, a melee fight isn't silent, there are bound to be clangs and screams, but it's not nearly as overt as an unsuppressed firearm discharge which can easily reach an ear-shattering 130 dB. There is a reason why people need to wear ear protection at gun ranges. Never mind it also produces flash and smoke, more so if you are using non-smokeless powder. So if you, say, managed to take an isolated enemy position within a wider front line [[Kayvaan_Shrike|with melee weapons only]], there is a good chance the enemy won't know about it for a while. Granted. you can [[Raptors_(Chapter)|snipe from afar using advanced suppressed rifles and scopes]]- but you don't always have the luxury of doing that and ''swords are still quieter''.
* 40k has [[Power Armour]], which can only be reliably threatened either by melee [[Power_weapon|Power Weapons]], or goddamn anti-tank guns. And unless you are a Space Marine yourself, you can't just fasten a [[Lascannon]] onto your belt and call it a day, so if you don't want to end up facing a Space Marine or [[Tyranid_Warrior|a similarly armored xeno monstrocity]] with just a lasgun, grab that power sword. Also, in fluff, power swords are remarkably good at breaking enemy non-power weapons while parrying, adding to their value in defense. Two reasons why they are very popular amongst officers and champions alike.
**This means there are gradations in weapon/armour interaction; [[Flak_Armor|flak armour]] defeats weaker [[Autogun|firearms]] and [[Lasgun|lasguns]], but falls to [[Bolter|bigger]] [[Shuriken_Catapult|and]] [[Gauss#Necrons|scarier]] [[Plasma#Pulse_Weapons|advanced]] guns, which are nigh useless against [[Power_Armour|power armour]], which can't protect against [[Power_weapon|power weapons]] or [[Plasma_gun|advanced]] [[Meltagun|anti-tank]] guns. So unless you happen to have the latter either [[Incubi|on very fast elite melee units]], on [[XV-8 Crisis Battlesuit|sufficiently mobile weapon platforms]], or simply [[Aspect_Warrior#Fire_Dragons|in abundance]], when Adeptus Astartes come for you, you are beyond screwed, just as in fluff.
**While [[Terminator]] armor does protect against most common power weapons, the aforementioned advanced anti-tank guns still have a good chance at hurting them anyway and the greatly reduced speed puts them at a disadvantage against enemies that are either faster than they are or can hit them from far away. And while they do have Power Fists equipped as standard, they're slow enough to give an appropriately geared opponent the chance to kill them before they get a chance to use said power fists. So it all works out...unless you're dealing with Assault Terminators, that is. In that case, you're screwed if you're stuck in melee with them if you're not a Dreadnought or something equally big and nasty.

=== Unsheathing fun ===

Quick: what sound does a sword (or any blade weapon) make when you unsheathe it? If your answer is something along the lines of SHWING!, think about how a sword would make this sound upon being drawn. It has to be dragged against other metal, but this can causes a whole series of engineering nightmares: if your sword is dragged alongside its sharp edge it blunts, which is obviously not desirable. If you draw it against it flat (or its non-sharp edge if your sword is single-edged) the engineering involved would have to be so precise that the sound is produced, but this would create such a narrow fit for your blade that it would be very difficult and heavy to draw and sheathe, and when temperatures cause the metal to expand or contract your sword gets either stuck or dangles loose in its scabbard. This is obviously not desirable as well.

A more accurate reproduction of what sound a sword makes is to pull up the sleeves of whatever shirt you are wearing: a soft "ffffp"-esque sound. This is because sword sheathes were often made out of wood or leather, with sometimes some kind of fur inside of it. This held the blade snugly in place, would prevent it from falling out if held upside down and would not provide more wear on your sword than combat would.

And whatever dumbass thinks he's 2cool4sheathes will soon learn that cutting his furniture/legs is a very good reason to start wearing a sheathe for his sword.

=== How not to make swords ===

[[image:Conan sword casting.jpg|thumb|300px|left|How to make a sword shaped ingot of pig iron which is of less value to you in a fight than a nice heavy stick]]

Making a sword from steel is a fairly complex and tricky process. Generally it was done by specialized swordsmiths once societies got big enough to support them. Common village blacksmiths could make swords, though not good ones. Making a steel sword involves taking a form of ferrous metal (be it an ingot of iron, a hunk of scrap metal or a sandwich of different types of steels) and heating it until it got soft, gradually hammering it into a sword shape, re-heating periodically as it cools during forging and then getting reheating it again to temper it and quenching in oil to give it strength. A sword does take a fair bit of time to make. As it's a tricky job, swordsmiths did not live alone in isolated workshops but rather worked together in guilds to help train new swordsmiths, while whole families (male and female) were involved in the process of making swords one way or another. They were also not adverse to using mechanical assistance such as water powered trip hammers to help them get things done quickly and efficiently, though forging by hand did allow them to be more precise about things, so it was a case of "Am I being commissioned to outfit a unit in bulk or to make a masterpiece for an officer?".

[[image:Chinese_Trip_Hammers.jpg|thumb|300px|right|Trip Hammers, for when a smith does not want to use his muscle for all the hammering]]

In any case, as it gets the hell beaten out of it during forging what you start with does not look like what you get when your done. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8E6TzT0eCYs What a medieval swordsmith would not do is cast a sword shaped form of Pig Iron (the type of liquid iron which you can make with pre-industrial technology, full of impurities and carbon), wait for it to cool into a semi-solid form, hammer it on an anvil for a bit and dunk it into water.] If you try that and it does not shatter on the anvil or shatter after being dunked into water due to cooling so rapidly, it will shatter after the first blow. Note that casting was a legitimate way to make one type of sword; the ones made of bronze, although bronze swords do not match up to the performance of a properly-made iron sword. (Note for the pedantic: you CAN quench in water instead of oil, but it's extra work for no real benefit since you risk warping the blade and need to temper it afterward).

Also, nobody ever quenched a blade by thrusting it into a living guy's chest. That is an obvious bit of often repeated embellishment and rumor about Damascus Steel blades (which were made with the previously mentioned sandwiches of steels) which wormed its way into folklore and you're a moron if you think otherwise.
Firts there's a, let's say, logistical problem: a sword is a meter long or more, and you need to immerse it completely to get a proper quench - and the supply of people at least a meter thick is quite unreliable... Or did they use elephants and walruses?
Then there's the metallurgical problem: when you quench steel you want it to cool in a quick, controlled and homogeneous way to avoid warping and having differtial hardening where you don't want differtial hardening. Flesh is not a good at dispersing heat, so your sword will probably not harden at all, and even if this gruesome process did somehow work, you'd need an army of clones to get repeatable results.

=== Folded a thousand times ===
[[image:Forging_Techniques.jpg|thumb|300px|right|Various Japanese forging styles.]]

''Ah, Guroriasu Nippon Sutiru, Foruded Ova 1000 Times....''

This is, as you might expect, bullshit, even if it contains a (small) grain of truth. Japanese swords were created by combining three types of iron alloys, which (if you drop weaboo names) were basically low carbon steel, high-carbon steel and extra-high-carbon pig iron. The limitations of Japanese smithing techniques made it so smelting of those alloys happened below their melting point temperature (or, in other words, they became soft and malleable but not liquid), hence they were unhomogeneous and contained lots of impurities. So it was ultimately plain common sense to "knead" the mix (like you would do with bread) to get an homogeneous bar by stretching it on an anvil, folding it back, forge-welding the 2 parts together again. Repeat, repeat and repeat until (almost) all of the impurities were driven out.

This process, called lamination, was meant to spread the carbon content in the steel and remove inclusions by bringing them to the surface where they could be hammered away as slag. It also created layered laminated steel with layers of hard but brittle high-carbon steel and soft but plastic low-carbon steel (actually pig iron and high-carbon layers initially, but by the time laminating was done enough carbon would burn out of them to change their type) which combines the strong points of both, so the blade could be almost as sharp as hard steel and almost as flexible as soft steel. (You have to give it to them, the Japanese swordsmiths really did do a good job considering the limitations they had to work with.) This was however an horribly time-consuming process (and thus costly), not to say prone to errors. And even if everything works correctly, the very act of working the steel means you lose some every time you work it: external layers of steel burn off, slag detaches from the workpiece, small pieces fly away with every hammer strike - so you would try to keep work to a minimum. Keep in mind that the number of layers of your sword doubles with every fold: 2-4-8-16... and so on, so after 10 folds you get 1024 layers, and after 20 your steel is as homogeneous as it can get due to having over a million layers that blend in each other, losing all the sexy benefits of laminating. One thousand folds would theoretically get you more layers than there are atoms in the perceivable Universe (it's 302-digit number in case you wonder), you'd also end up with only a small fraction of steel you started working with, and almost all the carbon in it would burn out long before you reach 100 foldings, leaving you with almost useless soft iron. A traditionally forged Katana isn't folded a thousand times (perhaps a dozen, if even that), though it does possess over a thousand discernible layers in its structure when looked at with a microscope.

Other nations also used techniques similar to folding (welding) to get over impurities and make layered steel sandwiches, but then one day some smart Indian smith invented crucible smelting to make much purer steel right of the bat, and after that another Indian smith invented tempering which was cheaper, easier and more cost-effective than laminating. Some enterprising Chinese and Arabian traders spread these techniques all over Asia and Europe, so people there immediately stopped folding/welding their Glorious Steel and adopted the better (mostly less time-consuming and hence cheaper) technology. All, of course, except for the isolationist hicks that decided to isolate themselves from the rest of the world and only found about these technologies when Commodore Perry gently knocked their front door off.

A huge chunk of the reputation of Japanese swordsmithing comes from the fact that, by the time Europeans forced their way into the island, swords had became largely a ceremonial part of officers' uniforms in the Western militaries and so little attention was given to their crafting that their quality had become quite poor, not even half as good as they were made but a century before. Low-tech Japanese swords, on the other hand, were still crafted for actual battle and killing people rather then pointing at the enemy to inspire your troops, so they were of the highest quality their technology allowed. Naturally westerners were amazed by the quality of Japanese swords compared to their own stamped mass-produced junk (and keep in mind this was during a low point for Japanese swordsmithing due to reduced demand for swords- a law passed in 1876 banned the public carry of swords for all but a small number of military officials), and here's where the Glorious Nippon Steel bullshit took its origins.

One a sidenote: none of the swords the IJA used during WW2 were Katanas, they were actually similar-looking Guntō; mass-produced with modern means. The ones made for NCOs were produced from train tracks while the officers got hand made units, and due to a shortage of the steel traditionally used for making swords they were often made from steel that wasn't layered at all. While effective when compared to mass produced bayonets, this was the age of automatic weapons where bringing a blade to a gun fight was pretty much suicide in most instances- as a matter of fact, since they were made with the same mass production process that led to the decline of sword quality in the West, these swords were actually ''worse'' overall than the old Katanas. Anybody who claims that they got a genuine Katana from killing a Japanese soldier in WW2 or that their grandfather picked one off the body of a dead officer are full of shit, since construction of traditional-style katanas didn't restart until 1953. While modern katanas are of much better quality, this is due more to the extensive quality control standards placed on swordsmiths by the Japanese government rather than the quality of the steel itself. That said, you can always buy mall ninja grade trash that looks like a katana but is actually stamped stainless steel less deadly than a heavy stick.

Odds are if your buddies claim to own a genuine katana at all they're either mistaken or lying; genuine katanas cost $3,000 at the very least, and that's before factoring in the cost for a licence to own them due to their legal status as art objects. It's much more likely they own a replica made with modern machine production techniques and composed of ordinary stainless steel. While stainless steel may not get rusty and works fine for kitchen knives, it's much too brittle to be used for any sword that isn't purely ornamental.

== Swords in Fantasy & Science Fiction ==

Swords are probably the most commonly used weapon in Fantasy, especially by main characters (the characteristic of the sword listed above makes it symbolic for a leader). While certain fantasy races have certain specific weapons associated with them (Dwarves and Axes, Elves and Bows), all of them will make use of swords at least on the sidelines.

Alongside the usual racial variants, many fantasy universes has some kinds of sword you wouldn't see in the real world.

Swords have an occasional presence in Science Fiction as well. Said presence is usually "justified" by the inclusion of either Magical Pseudoscientific Bullshit, or very special considerations, depending on how justified the "justification" is. (For an example of probably valid special considerations: You need a weapon that can be used around explosive gasses that also doesn't have any EM emissions and doesn't make much noise? You're pretty much down to a melee weapon (of which the sword is probably the best all-rounder) or a harpoon.)

===Lightsabers===
[[Lightsaber]]s are the iconic weapon of the [[Star Wars]] universe, and argued over sufficiently enough - especially with regards to sword-related stupidity as covered in the section above - that we have an article linked just for them. Much of what's said there also applies to their many knockoffs throughout numerous sci-fi settings.

===Busters===
Named after the "Buster Sword" from [[/v/|Final Fantasy VII]]: these are basically unrealistically huge greatswords. By unrealistically huge; we mean that a Buster Sword is about as tall and wide as a fully-grown adult human, with the weight being a dozen or more kilos. Depending on the make, it's either shaped and used like a giant greatsword used to chop unfortunate enemies with extreme prejudice or it can also be a heap of metal affixed to a grip where it can be used to bludgeon targets with maniacal glee. There's no strict criteria on what exactly qualifies as a buster sword, but if its almost as tall and wide as its wielder (or larger); it gets lumped into this category. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-cHqPYnnLpo Much to the joy of neckbeards everywere, somewhere in Martha's Vineyard there's a guy who makes real Buster Swords and similar insane weapons for a living, and he's as awesome as you'd expect.]

Realistically speaking: busters would be unsurprisingly unwieldy to use. Its heft and size makes would make it nearly impossible to be wielded effectively during a confrontation where a more agile opponent can simply avoid the first swing and attack while the wielder takes their time readying the damn thing for another go, it'd be like trying to swat a fly with a tree trunk. Not to mention because the weight of the sword isn't focused on single point (like how the weight of a battle axe is largely focused on the axe head instead of all over itself), trying to damage armored opponents would be an incredibly tough, if not impossible affair (Plus a blade this large would have to be hardened to withstand the heavy damage done by its attacks; so this also isn't counting the blade doesn't outright shatter under its own weight after striking plate armor).

That also isn't counting that your wielder would have to rival the strength of an Olympic body builder in order to even bring it to bear in combat in the first place ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BIfrA6CIIk and using it combat is another problem due to the weight]), something an army would not bother with, given the tons of better, much more cost-effective alternatives - most appropriately battle axes. When you swing a top-heavy heavy object in one direction with all your might; the inertia of that is incredibly hard, if not impossible to, stop mid-swing for a normal human being (if you do, your joints and muscles will pay the price), so unless you happen to be a heavily augmented super-strong cyborg or blessed with inhuman muscular bulk to put most strongmen to shame; you will either only be doing vertical downward slashes (which isn't really that effective, unless your opponent is stunned in place) or spin around like an out-of-control top while swinging it horizontally (in which case, you might get one lucky kill before you collapse from dizziness and someone else gives you a good stomping).

In fantasy, however, the rule of cool takes over and the lore can make up a proper explanation for why that particular universe need these fuckheug weapons. Busters in fantasy (or really any impractically large weapon) are typically used in settings where they make a lick more sense; a fantasy world populated by giant creatures. You see, if you were to bring something like a claymore or a gladius to your ho-hum fantasy setting; chances are that they'll lack the mass to cut through monsters the size of city buses and beyond. With a sword as big as a human being, however; the weapon's size and weight plus the user's presumably augmented strength and the fantasy's general disregard for inconvenient things like realism and physics, allows them to cleave through thick materials like scales, bones, armor, muscles...etc, with ease. Its not the most practical way to go about it, but then again this is fantasy; your imagination and sanity is the limit.

More examples of Busters could be the [[Iron Kingdoms]], who have a type of sword called "Caspian Battleblades", very heavy, dull swords with a head that spikes out to either side broader than the blade, made crucial for warfare because of all the [[Warjack|heavy armour]] walking about, and tend to have lots of cut-outs in the blade's center to reduce its weight. [[Berserk]]'s Guts also wields an ordinary Buster Sword, though he's super-humanly strong, has a mechanical arm, and regularly battles giants and demons. Curiously 40k of all settings managed to make its two busters more or less reasonable or at least usable: Eviscerators are outfitted with their own anti-gravity propulsion systems, throwing most issues with busters out of the window, and Incubi Klaives ares made out of light materials and have extra grips, so they can be used like polearms despite looking like giant swords.

===Gunblades/Pistol Swords===
As mentioned before, they were an idea that started in Ye Olden Times of the 16th century, where a flintlock or revolver pistol was given a blade or bayonet attachment to so that the user could get the benefits of two weapons in one system- only to get the drawbacks of both weapons in just the right way to make it worthless as a sword ''or'' a pistol. It evolved from the idea of mounting daggers on pistols, which had a bit more practical sense in comparison.

[[/v/|Final Fantasy VIII]], however, took it a step further and made a sword with a fucking pistol-grip for a handle, a revolver's chamber built into the hilt, and a long, rifle-like barrel welded to the flat side of its one-edged blade. Though, this is offset by the fact that the weapon isn't meant to be fired in the traditional sense at all; all bullets fired by a gunblade are blanks, intended to [[What|set the blade oscillating such that it cuts through monsters and other opponents better, like a chainsaw.]] (See also: Oscillating Blades.) Which begs the question: if it doesn't even deal damage by firing a projectile, why build a gun mechanism into the sword at all? The answer, of course, is the Rule of Cool.

In other works of fiction, this problem is solved with [[Necron|advanced technology]]. Starting off with the most well known [[/tg/]] example from Warhammer 40K, we have the Sentinel Warblades used by the golden BFFs of the [[Emperor of Mankind]]. The [[Adeptus Custodes]] put the short barrel equivalent of a [[Storm Bolter]] with a halved range on their massive swords. Since Custodes are larger than a Space Marine on average, they might as well be full sized guns. They also have direct energy weapons on their Guardian Spears, which is a better option than a projectile weapon as the user won't have to reload as often. Reduced range is not much of a problem for the Custodes; there won't be many survivors left after they are hit with [[Anal_circumference|Melta Beams or Adrathic Destructors.]] After a few volleys, the Golden Bananas will charge the unlucky bastards who weren't vaporized.

The transforming variant from gun to blade or vise-versa is often used in Japanese Media, mostly [[/m/|Tokusatsu]]. The earliest examples are from Kamen Rider 555; one is a primary weapon of the main character, Kamen Rider Faiz. Toei, unlike a [[Games Workshop|certain model making company]], likes to stretch a budget and tries to outdo themselves as technology advances. Many Kamen Rider and Super Sentai (too many to list here) will have transforming Gunblades just about every other season, some bigger or more detailed than the last. If the Sentai Team or Kamen Rider of the season has tech based powers, these Gunblades fire lasers or some other form of energy beam.

Special Police Dekaranger has a strange example in the form of the D-Sword Vega, a sword that was used as a ranged weapon on two occasions. [[What|The special effects imply it is both a blade and a direct energy weapon]]. The primary user, Doggie Kruger, typically [[awesome|shoots lightening]] out of it as his finishing movie. However, since the Space Police in the show have more advanced technology than a typical terrestrial officer the D-sword Vega itself is a century or more ahead of anything in IRL or most works of fiction have.

So TL:DR. Gunblades, while possible to turn into a useful weapon sometime in the future, will require advancements that have yet to be made and are likely to require incorporating directed energy weapons rather than solid projectiles. While fixing the gun part will be easy enough, another problem is the blade itself, which can't be easily replaced on the user end. If and when this becomes possible. In practice, the sword part would still be of questionable use compared to the gun part, and we already have bayonets for that.

===Oscillating blades===

Also known as: "vibraknives," "high-frequency blades," et cetera, these are blades made so that they vibrate at such extreme speeds that they weaken the molecular bonds of the material being slashed, translating into the blade being able to cut things that a normal sword would snap against and making them nearly indestructible in the process. These actually have a real-world counterpart in the form of electric knives and jigsaws, which are saw-toothed and cut a variety of materials, but not to the degree or speed that proper HF blades can. Completely relegated to sci-fi stories and vidya. One of the most famous examples thus far is Metal Gear Rising: [[Derp|Revengeance,]] featuring a psychopathic weeaboo cyborg with a high-frequency katana against the world. The HF blade is depicted as being capable of slicing through everything, except materials capable of withstanding HF weapons. Against these, they have to be weakened enough that the HF blade can chop it into mincemeat.

The science SEEMS sound, but they don't ever explain how the extreme vibration needed to electrically sever molecular bonds doesn't shake apart the human wielder's skeleton or the sword itself, which is why even if it was possible to make them, they'd likely never be used in real life. After all, Newton's third law is still in effect. You can test this yourself and try holding any vibrating appliance for a few minutes; your muscles will start feeling numb from all the vibrations. They also state that the power of an HF blade is determined on how the original blade was forged before being modified, meaning that higher-quality blades yield better HF blades, as the HF technology only augments the properties sword. Though Jetstream Sam, a Brazilian samurai in the game, wields his own master forged high frequency blade, which is so good that it could slice pretty much anything, even the megalomaniac final boss ''who manages to block and snap Raiden's sword in half with his bare hands''.

While his blade is apparently made from a well-forged katana that has been passed down in Sam's family since the 16th century; they don't ever really elaborate on how the blade's quality affects the transition into an HF blade, especially when Raiden's modern-forged blade is somehow of lesser quality than a genuine Japanese katana made of low-quality steel folded in forging to work out the heavy impurities. The only way this makes sense is if the Katana was reforged with more durable materiel. As even the best weapon will break down with regular use.
It could have been explained better by stating that HF Blades have Monomolecular edges and are built with Carbon Nanotubes like the cyborgs themselves. But it seems that Platinum is ignorant about how swords are made like most [[Fail|fan fic writers]]. But not all because...

===Monomolecular Swords===

A feature in some sci-fi RPG settings, particularly those with a cyberpunk theme, these are swords made of exotic but scientifically plausible materials such as carbon nanotubes, graphene, etc. A common element to these is that they are supposed to be exceedingly sharp, with a blade literally ending in a sharp line a single atom thick. They may also have other attributes such as being self-mending, or have electrical effects like heating up or being selectively flexible and thus worn as clothing (like a belt). Another quality of these sorts of blades is they almost universally defeat commonplace means of detection such as metal detectors and x-ray machines.

Tragically (or perhaps fortunately), research into metamaterials and carbon composites hasn't yielded anything that actually works like this, although maybe they have and the super spies are keeping it to themselves.

It should be added that monomolecular blades are a thing that actual exists in the real world; the trade off is that the edge rapidly decays. And we're talking as in an expected cutting lifetime before needing sharpening of ''seconds''. More common is blades whose edge molecules can be counted in the ''hundreds'', which are used in eye surgery and electron microscopes; the two materials used for these are diamond (which is expensive) and glass (particularly obsidian). Neither is a particularly sturdy material (while diamond ''is'' the hardest material known, it's very hardness makes it particularly prone to fracturing when any amount of force is applied), so a large blade made of either is going to be useless pretty much instantly--although see the Macuahuitl in several places around this article for a way around that.

===Mechanically-powered weapon===

This basically means that the sword is powered by an external power source, like motors. The [[chainsword]] for example, is common in sci-fi worlds that have close combat, as it's basically a chainsaw in sword form and the motor helps the sword do more then if it was just a sharp chunk of steel. Realistically speaking, power weapons would be bottom heavy, making them awkward to use, and if it goes the chainsaw route, then it would be hilariously impractical to use at all in combat situations; things softer than wood or ice tend to get caught in and gum up the teeth of a chainsaw, flesh being one such material. So, your custom chainsword would be rendered useless almost immediately, and in fact would be rendered less useful than an ordinary sword against whatever you were trying to [[RIP AND TEAR]] at the time. And spinning blades such as saws carry so much angular momentum that they resist movement in the same fashion as a gyroscope.

One could argue that the chainswords in 40K are made differently from actual chainsaws in that they're designed for cutting people in mind; the teeth are mono-molecular and are shaped like knives rather than the thick, axe-like notched blades of real chainsaws (which are designed to chew away at thicker and harder materials, like wood); allowing them to nick through flesh more cleanly than your everyday chainsaw. The motor would have to be more powerful than a car's engine, yet light enough to be carried in one hand, allowing it to run the blade at speeds that it the teeth won't get caught, while still making it as maneuverable as a standard sword. But that's technology in the grim future, as trying to make a chainsword with today's technology and engineering would make for a very impractical weapon. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gj8pAN7Y7E]]

Impracticality aside, there's an argument to be made that in the 40k universe that chainswords and their non-imperial equivalents have a well-established purpose in the setting, analogous to the Buster swords 40k generally eschews. Beyond rogue humans or possibly Eldar (for which any sharpened stick should be a more sensible weapon), most opponents of the imperium pack incredibly tough flesh, extremely heavy armor, sheer mass enough to ignore grievous wounds, or any combination of the three. A chainsword, for all its downsides, can inexpensively provide some measure of response to any of these. The additional power yielded by the engine would exacerbate physical trauma, blowing physical injuries way out of human proportion. The sharp teeth provide concentration of force beyond any sword and can scrape through or catch in the gaps and seams inherent in any armor designed to move. The added motion and dimensions of force applied would help the wielder cut through limbs or body parts far too thick to slice apart for the same reason a chainsaw can gouge through thick tree trunks. All in all a chainsword gives the imperium a cheap one-size-fits-all answer to killing up close, with the acknowledgement that the weapon must be wielded not like a sword but like a saw. For all its technological improvement, the downsides are largely the same as they would be today: the wielder gives up grace, balance, most ability to parry, and accepts that they will be wounded by almost anything they fight. To take it one step further, it's an apt metaphor for the imperium itself: capable of grinding down anything through sheer low-tech single-mindedness, but always at grim cost in blood and lives.

===Magical materials===

In folk lore you can make weapons, typically swords since they are the weapon most associated with nobles in most cultures, out of any of a number of different types of special materials that have properties that grant it magical properties. A few of the more common examples are:

*'''Treasure Steel:''' the legendary super-steel from the Slavic and Norse mythology. Legends attribute it with extreme durability and ability to cut through "lesser steel". It was for a long time thought completely fictional or just the name for an Iranian Bulat steel, but eventually historians found out the stories were based on the early steel-age forging techniques. IRL it was just an alloyed high-carbon steel in the early age of very low-quality unhardened steel. It was made with a very wasteful process that included burying a huge steel ingot into the ground (aka "Treasure"), letting it rust for few years and reforging the remnants - then repeating the process several times each time the ingot losing a sizeable percent of its mass to the rust and smelting burnout. As iron corrodes faster then natural alloys found in the ore and carbon, repeated treasuring and reforging increased alloy and carbon concentration resulting in a great metal for its time. Needless to say, only the nobility could afford to waste so much iron, so it also became a trademark of warlords and their champions. Mostly due to how shitty everyone else had it, these things were nasty.
*'''Thunderbolt Iron''', which is a fancy term for weapons made from meteorites. In fantasy space iron swords tend to have magical properties or are treated as some kind of super steel: in D&D they are the source of adamantine. In real life, this was for many civilizations their first experience with iron and for some civilizations, a lump of iron-rich meteorite could be many times purer than what they could naturally forge and smith. That is if they could even make iron at all: the otherwise Bronze Age Egyptians managed to get a meteoric iron dagger into King Tutankhamun's tomb. The problem of course is the term "iron-rich" and many meteorites are either very small or made of rock or nickel that can't actually be forged; there is a good reason why Tutankhamun had a dagger and not a sword. Additionally, many meteorites have [http://xkcd.com/1114/ impurities that weaken the blade]. Still, bad iron is better than no iron and we do get plenty of big meteors to make swords out of. The late [[Discworld|Sir Terry Pratchett]] famously [[Awesome|forged his own sword out of a meteorite when he was knighted]].
*'''Cold Iron''', On the other hand, just being made out of iron by itself was enough to grant magical properties, as Rudyard Kipling said, ''"But Iron — Cold Iron — is master of them all."'' Iron, and by extension steel, have strong folklore traditions perhaps because that blood smells and taste metallic due to its iron content, or perhaps the "mystical" attraction of a lodestone to iron. In folklore, you could use iron scissors to ward off changelings, nail an iron horseshoe to your door to give luck, while an iron knife buried under the entrance to your home would keep witches away. In the modern "sci-fi approach," fantasy iron weapon's "magical" abilities are sometimes explained by its magnetic properties that can disrupt "magical" being's senses and abilities based on electromagnetism, and in some instances can cause them great pain or even instant death just from a physical contact or even being near. ''"All well and good,"'' I hear you say ''"but what does this mean for swords?"'', well honestly not much. It does mean your best weapon against things not weak to some other magical material like silver, such as fairies or demons, is a steel sword, but you were going to use that anyway since steel is better than any material not from the future. The importance of iron as an anti magic weapon only becomes important in settings where iron as a weapon is rare. The "cold" part is often a point of contention and it can mean that the iron has to be cold forged, i.e. never heated, or that it's just not hot now, or sometimes it's just a poetic term for any iron, Room-temperature metals feel cool to the touch because, when held, they conduct heat out of the skin more readily than air does, the same way we use the term "Hot Lead". [[Changeling: The Lost]] defines it to mean 'relatively pure iron (i.e. no steels, oxides, or alloys- if it's something that the average person would think of as being made of iron, it counts)'. While iron in general has adverse effects on anything touched by Faerie, the most potent kind of all is "cold iron" (that is, iron that was never worked using any kind of heat and did not involve magic being used in its creation at any point in time). This means iron fresh out of the ground does the most damage (but is obviously just a rock so using it is hard), and Meteoric Iron (see above) since it's never been heated by man, but re-entry smelted it making it easier to work with by comparison. On the other hand, weapons of pure iron tend to be less sharp and durable when compared to steel and other alloys- and are consequently much trickier to find outside of an antique collection. You're probably best off breaking off a piece of a wrought iron fence and making it into a weapon. Even then it's not guaranteed it'll be pure enough to have any special effects since almost all "wrought iron" products made nowadays are actually made of low-carbon steel.
*'''Silver''', unlike iron and meteoric Iron, doesn't work as weapon material in real life. Cost aside, silver is softer, heavier, and dulls much easier than a steel blade, but silver's tradition of magic goes further back than iron and in settings with werewolves a silver sword may be your best friend. The reason why Silver's magical tradition likely goes back further than iron (at this rate may as well make a page for magical metals) is because of a unique property of silver: [http://microbewiki.kenyon.edu/index.php/Silver_as_an_Antimicrobial_Agent water in silver pitcher takes a lot longer for it to get scummy, as silver ions damage bacterial DNA and enzymes]. This led to it having a reputation for healing and since healing is good (duh), for being holy. This trait of silver is also why we get the reputation for why vampires can't cast a reflection: old timey mirrors used a silver backing to get a clear reflection, and since vampires are unholy, they wouldn't cast a reflection in the holy silver. As for werewolves, in olden times it was thought werewolveism was also like rabies, hence the whole 'you become a werewolf if bitten by one', bring to mind rabid animals hence silver against werewolves stems from it's anti microbial, and so healing, properties. In modern times though the logic behind silver and werewolves tends to be that since silver is the same color as moonlight and werewolves are empowered by the moon, it would suppress their powers or otherwise weaken them. In fantasy settings, silver weapons often do less base damage but deal more damage against, or are the only thing that can hurt, unholy monsters like ghosts. It is also possible to [[Grey Knight|coat your realistic steel blade with silver]] (or gold, for that matter) without dulling it too much, and keeping it dangerous for supernatural creatures weak against silver. Real world silver-coated stuff is usually bronze or stainless steel, as silver and iron themselves exhibit anode-cathode behavior (which will quickly oxidize the silver in a matter of weeks) and tends to be used in the chemical/maritime industry as silver is very resistant to chlorine.
** As an aside, [[The Witcher]] series' uses for silvered weapons are usually given a pass here due to two factors: 1) the silver sword is carried as a specialist weapon for silver-vulnerable monsters alongside an steel one (games make a hard split between steel==kill_people and silver==kill_any_monster, thus overusing the silver one, but in the core books steel sword is for anything that will bleed, while silver is for very, very special and rare occasions), and 2) Witchers explicitly spend a lot of time maintaining their equipment, and a Witcher is at least as much an alchemist as a fighter so they'd know the hows and whys of effectively maintaining such a weapon.

===Super Sword===
Super Swords are a broad category of fictional weapons includes weapons made with advanced technology (Lightsabers, Necron Phase swords), Magic (Shardblades from Words of Radiance), divine origins or just are the product of super duper swordsmithing abilities (your memetic Katana). What they have in common is the fact that they can cut through basically anything with minimal resistance. They'll cut through armor and steel like nothing. Generally another super sword can resist them and maybe a few special items, but they'll go through a boulder like nothing.

==Worldbuilding Considerations==

One further point, if you're doing worldbuilding: Swords, due to their versatility, will always be important in military contexts '''until''' four weapons appear, each of which absorbs a lot of the sword's unique functionality:

# The decline of the sword will usually begin when guns start appearing; the obvious combination of guns and spears to protect them quickly moves combat ranges to the point that swords are almost never needed in planned, open field combat outside of full-on charges. At this point, they still have a role in unplanned or close-quarters combat and will probably still see civilian use, although that will diminish as gun technology improves. Further, the close quarters and unplanned combat utility will eventually be completely absorbed by knives and other weapons that double as useful tools. For example, you wouldn't use a sword to cut through thick vegetation while a Machete can do both that and fill the sword's combat niche for less money.
# Reliable repeating handguns finish removing the sword from civilian contexts, as they are both more comfortable, easier to learn to use, and less difficult to repair than a sword (although, admittedly, more prone to breaking in the first place). You don't have to be an expert armorer with thousand of dollars worth of equipment to fix a firearm.
# [[Shotgun]]s and sub-machine guns are superior to swords in the field of close quarters fighting; as soon as this is realized, that's another major area the sword vanishes from. In particular, hallways are called "death tunnels/corridors" by the military for a reason: there is little room for fancy maneuvers such as dodging bullets.
# Reliable machine guns prevent open field cavalry charges, which is usually the last vestige of military value the sword has.

Equivalent weapons to the above work just as well in absorbing the sword's usefulness, so long as they remain ''reliable''. As each of these show up, expect the sword to vanish steadily from importance; the last stop before vanishing entirely will probably be as a symbol of office for officers, even among republics swords have an a kind "nobility" air about them and still have strong associations with leadership, it's why even states born of revolution from monarchies tend to keep dress swords around.

Superswords, or shielding that interferes with guns but not short range weapons, are necessary for swords to reappear. Keep in mind, though, that this can easily be overdone to the point of wankery. If this supersword is in any way unique, you probably have a [[Mary Sue]] on your hands, which is usually felt to be a bad thing.

In more advanced settings a Plasma or Laser weapon could plausibly emulate an energy blade or create a [[Meltagun]] style burst (e.g. the Plasma Gun from [[Doom|Doom 2016]] does the latter). While serving as a close range armor/door/wall breacher at the same time. This also makes swords redundant, but in situations where defenses against energy-based weapons and projectiles are used, the sword (and other melee weapons at that matter) can still make a comeback as a weapon. (Case in point, 40K- a bolter might not be able to penetrate power armor, but a power sword can do so, and unlike plasma guns, power weapons don't run the risk of a lethal overheating accident.) Or you can go the [[Dune]] route and make it so that armor is ''so'' advanced that only swords work on them because they're too ''primitive'' to be blocked so remain the only viable choice without being forced to chuck nukes at individual enemy infantry.

{{MedievalWeaponry}}

High Lords of Terra

2021-03-09T18:33:59Z

2A02:1811:5185:DD00:4437:1569:764C:54A3: /* Three Dynamic Members */

[[Image:High_Lords.jpg|600px|thumb|right|The Spring 40,002 leisurewear collection from Maison Rouboute, modelled by (L-R): the Inquisitorial Representative, the Lord Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard, the Master of the Administratum (quill-glove: model’s own) and the Fabricator-General of Mars.]]

{{Topquote|Functionaries are like books in a library: the higher they are, the least they serve.|Georges Clemenceau}}
{{Topquote|The measure of a man is what he does with power.|Plato}}

The '''High Lords of Terra''' (aka “Asthmatic Assholes”) are the twelve members of the '''Senatorum Imperialis''', the Council of the High Lords of Terra, and the rulers of the [[Imperium of Man]] in the [[Emperor|Emperor's]] absence.

==Overview==
After [[Horus]] [[Horus Heresy|got his heresy on]], the Emperor had to "ascend" the Golden Throne to keep himself alive. Since he wasn't dead, [[Roboute Guilliman]] reasoned that a new leadership was needed to guide the Imperium. He took the job of '''Lord Commander of the Imperium''' from [[Rogal Dorn]] and set up the High Lords from the old Council of [[Terra]], inviting the heads of the [[Administratum]], the [[Officio Assassinorum]] and the [[Adeptus Mechanicus]] to the table as well. As time went on, the [[Ecclesiarchy]], the [[Inquisition]], the [[Navigator|Navigators]] and others were also invited. They seem to have influence over the [[Minotaurs]].

While it's plainly evident that they are not making the Imperium better, there is some evidence that they may be making the Imperium worse than it actually needs to be (although whether this is due to malice or incompetence is anyone's guess, most people are betting on the latter). Exactly what they decide on isn't clear either. "Making decisions that affect the whole galaxy" sounds like a lofty purpose but really all the different departments seem to do things by themselves. The [[Space Marine]] chapters decide where they fight, the Inquisition governs itself, the Navigators govern themselves, the Administratum is like a machine just left running and doesn't even change gears... so unless they are just the people with the stamps to approve everything, we need some more fluff on what they are doing GW!

Well good news, I guess: as of 6th they are becoming more and more pro-active. AND in the new series The Beast Arises has them as the main characters and thus we can finally see how they run things. TL:DR oh, my God-Emperor, they're worse than the fans believed. During [[the War of The Beast]], about half the High Lords were politicking and trying to use the biggest Ork WAAAGH! in their favour, getting billions killed along with dozens of Space Marine Chapters and even, it seems, a Primarch. The others tried to deny its existence entirely, leaving only the Grand Master of Assassins to deal with reality (go figure why he wanted to kill the jackasses). Funny enough they're also all portrayed as being very good at their jobs (the Imperial Navy High Lord is a skilled admiral, for example), they're just too focused on the interests of their own factions to work together. Of course, then the Grand Master of Assassins did [[The Beheading]].

For the times the present day 41st millennium High Lords are mentioned, they tend to be treated with rather neutral tones. Typically the fluff only brings up their reactionary declarations to military matters and nothing about their politics, leaving their effectiveness and competence open to speculation. Given that Warhammer 40k is often about [[Your Dudes]] ("Your Setting" in this case), this is likely intentional.

==The High Lords at the end of the 41st Millenium and the Rise of the Primarch==

''Watchers of the Throne: The Emperor's Legion'' has actually finally given us details about the High Lords during the Fall of Cadia, giving us a full list of names and allowing some to show political opinions (Mostly concerning the proposed usage of the Adeptus Custodes that is the main issue for the first half of the book), but considering that Guilliman replaced many of them and the book states that members tend to have short reigns due to the stress of the job resulting in early deaths and/or retirement, who knows what they are like now, if any are still around. Lev Tieron, the Chancellor of the Imperial Council of the time, notes that many of the High Lords he'd known and read about were technically mad, obsessed, or just plain power-hungry, but that they were still the best qualified to do their jobs. Make of that what you will by comparison. Indeed, Tieron's successor Anna-Murza Jek (who currently holds the post) would be assisted by a retired Tieron in defeating the Hexarchy coup after she became suspicious of their actions.

''Vaults of Terra'' reveals another far darker side to the High lords. At least 3 of them were involved in a massive conspiracy to smuggle / lure (potentially a bit of both) a Dark Eldar [[Haemonculus]] onto Terra and into the Palace so that he could fix the Golden Throne / try to resurrect the Emperor. Insanity of the plan aside, it goes without saying that the High Lords had also given considerable "payment" to the Dark Eldar in exchange (read LOTS OF slaves and torture victims). They even contrived to attack various parts of the Inquisition in order to keep the secret. This worked surprisingly well, right up until the conspirators tried pulling the same trick with the Custodes who promptly carved them to pieces. Even whilst the Great Rift was unfolding, the conspirators still tried to keep covering their bases, ignoring the Astronomicon failing in order to cover up their dirty laundry. Far less doddering incompetence and far more sneaky bastarding evil.

An important part of Terra's political background is the so called "Static" tendency, namely the belief that the Emperor, via the Council of Terra had come up with pretty much the best way of running the Imperium and that any deviation from that was only slightly better than outright heresy.

As of ''the Gathering Storm'', [[Roboute Guilliman]] came back to [[Terra]] and proceeded to go full [[Rage|'Powerfisting-mode']] at several members of the High Lords following an attempted civil coup d'etat against him, replacing them with people Papa Smurf (seemingly - see below) trusted in the capabilities and competences of. The other High Lords who were not removed were given a mean look by the Blue Wonder and were essentially given a second chance with Robby keeping a close eye on them. Regardless of affiliation, the Council was rocked by the change to thousands of years of them on top, as well as the colossal waves of reforms put in place by Bobby G.

This lasted about as long as it took for Guilliman to head off on the Indomitus Crusade, wherein several High Lords (and two prior incumbent deposed by Guilliman) attempted to stage a coup against Guilliman in absentia, to the extent of indirectly allowing chaotic cults to flourish on Terra, thereby granting themselves the forces and powers necessary to take over, including the entire Minotaur's Chapter. The Custodes, Sisters of Silence and Assassins promptly intervened immediately after the couple of hours it took for the Custodians to notice, the traitor high lords were permanently ventilated, the Minotaurs forced to obey by the replacament Mistress of the Administratum, and replacement Lords drafted in. It's implied that Guilliman predicted that something like this would happen, so at least he's aware of what the council is like. It also adds an interesting possibility that Guilliman deliberately stacked the council with potential liabilities/left them in (he could have flooded the first redraft with reformers, but didn't) so that he could later replace them with the competent loyalists after those tendencies were proven suspect got themselves killed along with the Cults they had let form, purging Terra of traitors of both Chaos and power hungry moron kinds in a matter of hours.

===Members===
The High Lords are theoretically a dynamic body of 12 (or 13; see below) members that changes based on the needs of the Imperium. That this is the same number of members as are on the [[Skaven]] council of 13 is something we're probably not suppose to notice. The Senatorum Imperialis is bigger and includes the High 12/13, but these are the guys that actually matter, plus a few more with similarly but not-quite as important roles being given descriptions.

====Nine Permanent Members====
In reality, [[Games Workshop|the same nine old fucks decide everything millennium in and millennium out]] because they/who they represent are just so influential, leaving only 3 seats up for grabs. These nine guys are:

*'''Ecclesiarch:''' The Space Pope, the leader of the Adeptus Ministorum, or [[Ecclesiarchy]]. Was granted a seat in M32 for the first time, seat which became permanent three centuries later. During the [[Age of Apostasy]], the Ecclesiarch briefly usurped the Master of the Administratum as most powerful High Lord. Goge Vandire solved that problem by being head of both, then went nuts with power and had to be killed by the proto-Sisters of Battle after Custodes informing them of the Emperor's will that Vandire must die (incidentally allowing the Sisters to prove their loyalty and to be accepted as the official Ecclesiarchy armed force through the pre-arranged exact wording of "no men under arms" in the reform laws by Vandire's replacement Ecclesiarch [[Sebastian Thor]] and the other High Lords at the time). As of M41/M42, the Ecclesiarch is considered tied with the Fabricator-General and the Grand Master of Assassins for third most powerful High Lord. Baldo Slyst was fired by Guilliman from this post, and joined in Irthu Haemotalion's failed Hexarchy coup and was shot by a [[Vindicare Assassin]]. Baldo's replacement Eos Ritira is the current Ecclesiarch and she is seen as a reformist.
*'''Fabricator-General of Mars:''' The head of the Adeptus Mechanicus will occasionally take time from meditating on the [[Omnissiah]] or running his/her ''own'' nation to help run the Imperium. The only member of the 'High Twelve' that isn't regularly stationed in the Palace itself, mostly due to practical reasons: the most recent one had great difficulty attending meetings in the 'flesh' owing to being augmented to the size of a small building. Luckily, [[Mars]] is close enough to [[Terra]] to allow for old-fashioned vox communication so it is in the end but a minor hassle. He also seems to have an unspoken role of being the one to lead repairs and maintenance of the Golden Throne. Despite the current holder (Oud Oudia Raskian) being thoroughly opposed to the Custodes being allowed off-world and having collaborated with others to smuggle a goddamn [[Haemonculus]] onto Terra, he's still around, probably because Rowboat Girlyman can't git rid of him without pissing the AdMech off or having no one but [[Belisarius Cawl]], who is too radical to hold the post, to replace him.
*'''Grand Provost Marshal:''' Head of the [[Adeptus Arbites]]. Makes sure the Imperium's myriad jackboots know whose skulls to bust. Often the head of the Arbites on Terra, which is actually a pretty good qualification, as Terra is one mean beat. Aveliza Drachmar was the previous Grand Provost Marshal, taking part in the coup as one of the plotters who wasn't fired from their job earlier but was upset by the Custodes being sent on missions away from Terra, citing [[Lawful Stupid]] reasons and thus getting herself shot by a Vindicare Assassin on orders of Fadix.
*'''Inquisitorial Representative:''' A member of the [[Inquisition]], sent to insure that the Emperor's pet psychopaths are up to date on what laws to enforce, which can be difficult given how factionalized the Inquisition has been shown to be in fluff. An Inquisitor's term is 5 years after which he has to step down to make place for another. It is interesting to note that while there is hefty political competition for the other seats, the seat of Inquisitorial Representative carries little merit because it prevents an Inquisitor from carrying out his primary duty: to directly protect the Imperium from its many enemies by working in the field, not from working at one of the shiniest of desks in the galaxy. They are selected, often unanimously, from Inquisitor Lords from the sectors near Terra, granting the individual the title of Inquisitor Lord Terra even after his service ends. On the plus side, the Inquisition mostly runs on an "influence" system, and becoming the Inquisitorial representative gives the Lord Inquisitor in question a substantial boost in influence. Furthermore, one almost never becomes a full-fledged Inquisitor (let alone a Lord Inquisitor) without a lot of hard-earned field experience doing dirty work in the nastier parts of the galaxy, so the Inquisitorial Representative is likely to be one of the more competent and practical members of the bunch (whether the Inquisitor in question is entirely sane and rational is another matter altogether). However, in rare cases the Inquisition is too busy to send a representative because Xenos and Chaos incursions are too numerous. It's been noted by Imperial historians that whenever there wasn't a representative from the Inquisition on the High Lords to keep things in check, [[Age of Apostasy|bad]] [[The Beheading|things]] [[Nova Terra Interregnum|happened]].
*'''Grand Master of Assassins:''' Perhaps equally surprisingly, the other High Lord who often acts as a check and balance for sanity (for reasons which, if not obvious, will will become apparent if you read '''The Beast Arises''' series) is the head of the [[Officio Assassinorum]], and an informal watchdog of the Council. The Grand Master is constantly watched by the other High Lords, out of concern that he might assassinate the others - mostly because one Grand Master did. [[The Beheading|Funny story]]. It's seen as tradition for the Master of Assassins to send back the corpses of the other High Lord's spies periodically, as a polite reminder that they do not tolerate the other lords messing with their business. His situation in the council is a bit complicated: theoretically, the [[Officio Assassinorum]] is a branch of the [[Administratum]], so this guy has the Master of the Administratum as his boss. Also, he needs the whole council's approval to send out his assassins away from Terra after a target as per Big.E's edict. On the other hand, any attempt by the Master of the Administratum (or any other High Lord) to boss the assassins around is likely to result in death due to be seen as trying to pull a [[Goge Vandire]]; so the Grand Master has a lot of practical independence politically speaking. According to Lev Tieron, the post of Grandmaster is frequently behind the periods of unrest within the High Lords - Drakan Vangorich was merely the best known. That said, the recent incumbent - Fadix - was almost single-handedly responsible for saving Terra from the aforementioned coup attempt (though probably because the Custodians were too busy laughing to get involved immediately / didn't need to because their leadership knew what was going on and it let them keep their golden hands clean). Or, he goaded the seditious High Lords into showing their hands by offering them the assurance that the ultimate sanction was on their side, thereby causing the unrest and rebellion so that it could be flushed out once and for all. Fadix currently still holds the post.
*'''Master of the Adeptus Astra Telepathica:''' The guy/gal in charge of the selection, training, and use of [[Astropath]]s and other various kinds of sanctioned [[psyker|psykers]] within the Imperium. Making sure the Imperium's giant network of psychic email servers don't go to shit is so damn important to keep it running that they gave them a permanent seat.
*'''Master of the Administratum:''' The head of the Imperial bureaucracy. While the Master of the [[Administratum]] is an equal with the rest of the High Lords on paper, in practice he is considered the "head" of the Senatorum and most powerful of the High Lords, and they are fucking territorial about that. With the Emperor appointing Roboute Guilliman Imperial Regent, the Master of the Administratum is now the ''second'' most powerful High Lord, with the Fabricator-General and Ecclesiarch now fighting for ''third'' most powerful. Irthu Haemotalion was very upset about this after being fired and got killed by Fadix along with his fellow conspirators (he was also shot by a Vindicare). He was replaced by Violeta Roskavler who has a reputation of being a hard working logistical genius.
*'''Master of the Astronomican:''' While the Adeptus Astronomica isn't nearly as large or influential as the other members' branches, they keep the light of the [[Astronomican]] burning. The Astronomican in turn keeps the Imperium from collapsing, and every other High Lord from being fucked inside out by [[daemon]]s on their way to meetings, so they let this guy have a chair along with his pal/rival from the Adeptus Astra Telepathica. Because the Adeptus Astra Telepathica serves as the Astronomican's recruitment arm, having these two members disagree on policy is uncommon, but they ''are'' legally independent bodies (each of equal rank with the Administratum), so it's certainly possible. The previous one died during the Chaos (of both capital C and regular c varieties) of the Long Night and Guilliman used the opportunity to stack the High Lords with competent loyalists further after Fadix's purge of the morons who tried to rebel against a fucking Primarch already emptied several slots (along with some firings that lead to said coup attempt in the first place).
*'''Paternoval Envoy:''' Representing the [[Navis Nobilite]], the third of the guys to get a seat because otherwise the Imperium would collapse without faster than light travel and communications. This guy/gal makes sure that the Navigators have a say in what's going on, so they won't get declared abominations of the holy human form. Unlike the other posts, s/he is not the head of the combined Navigator houses, but a representative from the Paternova, the currently effective head house of the Navis Nobilite. The Paternova cannot attend meetings because s/he stays in the Palace of the Navigators due to...[[Mutant|changes]] they undergo upon assuming the post, which would cause <s>mass rioting among the populace</s> questions among the less-informed. As a result, the Paternoval Envoy is a young, still fully-human looking [[Navigator]] (except for the third eye, of course) and usually chosen from a weak house who couldn't upset the balance of power among the Navigators should the position go to his head. Theoretically, the Paternova's rank equals that of the other two people who run the Imperial Fleet (both of whom sometimes also get seats - see below), but they are just too practically important and significant for anyone to really claim they outrank them.

====Three Dynamic Members====
The remaining three fluid positions are held by people either beholden to one or more permanent members, or by people so powerful they just walk in to take a seat. Needless to say, they keep the seat as long as they, or their allies, are strong enough to hold it. They include:
*Independent
**'''Captain-General of the [[Adeptus Custodes]]:''' He's kind of a special case: by Big E's ancient but never overturned decree, the Captain-General speaks with His voice at all times, unless Malcador or Himself are present. This would technically make the Captain-General the leader of the Imperium as a whole (with Malcador ultra-dead and Big.E unable to communicate) but since that setup was (even more) horribly impractical, a compromise was found. In normal circumstances, The 12 High Lords and the rest of the Senatorum Imperialis deal with leading the Imperium while the Captain-General and his fellow Custodes ensure the security of the Imperial Palace and the Emperor; both institutions working in tandem without much interaction or interference. However, whenever the Captain-General decides he needs to join the discussions (for instance, to make sure the High Lords keep their shit together or to [[Angry Marines|tear the next Goge Vandire a new asshole]]), a seat is freed for him on the spot until whatever situation made him pop his head in is resolved. While he generally despises playing politics with mere mortals whenever he does attend a meeting, all the other High Lords shut their flapping gums and pay close attention to what he has to say. <s>''NOTICE ME, SENPAI!''</s>. Not really, it is more about a Custodian being a murder machine leagues ahead of anything short of Greater Daemons, and the fact he literally has Big E's full authority behind him. The current Captain-General is [[Trajann Valoris]], currently the only High Lord other than Guilliman and [[Dante]] known to be getting a model and rules for the tabletop.
*[[Administratum]] Subordinates
**'''Chancellor of the Estate Imperium:''' The Imperium's head paper pusher. Seriously, s/he's a glorified secretary. The most useless of the High Lords, and only gets on if the Master of the Administratum feels he needs another vote on things and can muscle him in. The previous holder of the office was Brach, who died in 999.M41 before the reforms of Guilliman.
**'''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUrhqCkYwps Lord Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard]:''' The leader of the [[Imperial Guard|Emprah's hammer]]. Nominally in charge of every man, woman, and child in the Imperium with a flashlight to point, although the bureaucratic distances and sheer, incomprehensibly large numbers of personnel involved means that s/he mostly dictates uniform and grooming standards, and maybe operational doctrine if the bigwigs at the Departmento Tactica are feeling indulgent. With the Master of the Administratum in charge of his/her record keeping and the Chancellor of the Estate Imperium in charge of his/her bank account, though, The Lord Commander Militant hasn't got as much of independent swing as one might think. Still, someone needs to give career bureaucrats some form of advice in military necessity, therefore his/her seat. The previous holder, Mar Av Ashariel, was among the failed Hexarchy plotters and was killed by a [[Callidus Assassin]].
***'''Lord Commander of the Segmentum Solar:''' A direct underling of the Lord-Commander Militant that often only gets a seat whenever the military situation goes from '''shitty''' to '''completely FUBAR''' and there's a need for some crusade or other to set things <s>right</s> a little less wrong in the Imperium. S/he is the commander of the Imperium's forces (those that listen to the military bureaucracy anyway) in charge of guarding humanity's [[Segmentum|chewy center, Segmentum Solar]].
**'''Lord High Admiral of the Imperial Navy:''' Discards the shiniest of flying space cathedrals in favour of the shiniest of desks. Like his/her counterpart(s) in the Imperial Guard, s/he often gets a seat when there is some Ork WAAAGH!/Tyranid Fleet/Black Crusade/Tau Expansion/... happening. Unlike his/her counterpart, though, s/he isn't dependent on the Chancellor for his/her money, but ''is'' dependent on the Navigator houses and the Astronomican for navigation; and on the Adeptus Astra Telepathica for communications. As a result, s/he doesn't have as much wriggling room as one might think either, but the same thing about military necessity also applies here. The previous holder of the post, Merelda Pereth, was among the failed Hexarchy plotters and was killed by a Callidus Assassin.
**'''Speaker for the Chartist Captains:''' Spokesperson of the Merchant Fleet, this High Lord defends the interests of the various trade captains within the Imperium. They are similar to but less powerful than [[Rogue Traders]], but make up about 90% of the Imperium's spacefaring capability. They might not look like much at first glance, but along with the various [[Psyker]]s above they're the glue keeping the Imperium together by making interplanetary commerce possible at all (which is a matter of survival for many, many planets), so they too get a voice in running things when there's a seat free (read: in those times of relative calm when the military situation is galactically stable). There are four levels of Merchant Charters, from flying fixed and limited routes to being allowed to travel through all of Imperial space within the Segmenta.
*[[Ecclesiarchy]] Subordinates
**'''Abbess Sanctorum of the Adepta Sororitas:''' The head of the [[Adepta Sororitas]]. The only member of the High Lords who is a woman by default, she is elected from the leaders of every order of the Sororitas. Like the Inquisitorial Representative, there is no real race for this position. It is, in fact, considered a penance to become the Abbess Sanctorum, which, given the other assholes in the Senatorum, is not that far from the truth. Before the Abbess is formally inducted, she is to take a pilgrimage to San Leor, the homeworld of the Daughters of the Emperor. The current would-be Abbess, Sister Sabrina of the Order of the Ermine Mantle, disappeared during her pilgrimage. Tradition dictates there cannot be another Abbess elected until the current one's fate has been determined, so the seat of the Abbess remains empty as of now. Post Great Rift, Celestine and her forces were able to find Sabrina trapped fighting off waves of Daemons on San Leor. After fighting them off, she was finally able to take up her seat. Later, Guilliman was able to get the newest Abbess to support his purge of Holy Terra’s more corrupted dredges in society while she also urged the Assassin to send a Vindicare agent on a hunt against an Ork Warboss that had looted a Shrine-World.
**'''Cardinal of the Holy Synod of Terra:''' Some old guy from a group of old guys who spend all their time arguing about slight deviations in doctrine. Their only useful function is electing the head of the Ecclesiarchy who gets them their chair on the council. Mentioning that this is a conflict of interest is considered [[heresy]]. The Holy Synod is an organization that primarily concerns itself with running the church on Terra, so in theory, it can provide up to 3 Cardinals to fill all the vacancies, though this would never fly even in peacetime.

====The Thirteenth Lord====
The position of '''Lord Commander''' of the Imperium's armed forces was one that [[Rogal Dorn]] was originally invested with as the coordinator of the loyalist war effort during the Horus Heresy. [[Roboute Guilliman]] took it from him at some point afterwards and used the title '''Lord Commander of the Imperium''' ''(as the first man to command the forces of the Imperium in its entirety)'' where it became synonymous with '''Lord Guilliman''' even past his injury and eventual removal by his brother [[Fulgrim]] ''(presumably because no one had the balls to remove the plaque from the door)''. The position lasted at least until the 32nd Millennium and was the ''de jure'' leader of the Senatorum Imperialis, and on paper was the commander of the entirety of the Imperium's military forces. We say "on paper" because the last dude prior to Chapter Master [[Slaughter Koorland]] was a puppet of the other agents of the senate, and was generally incompetent. Koorland's successor, [[Maximus Thane]], also took the role of Chapter Master of the [[Imperial Fists]], and was presumably the last to hold the title, because after issuing a series of standing orders, he decided to leave Terra and rebuild the broken Imperium following the [[War of The Beast]], only returning to deal with [[The Beheading]]. The post appears to have been abolished at some point after this.

As of the closing years of the 41st millennium, Roboute Guilliman is back as the Lord Commander again, mostly because nobody else available could be trusted with a job that important, but also significantly due to the fact that nobody dared to say no to him when he announced he was taking his seat back. At least, not to his face. Several of the High Lords did, however, attempt to stage a coup, which was foiled by the Adeptus Custodes and Grand Master Fadix of the Assassinorum who had the four serving and two fired High Lords attempting the coup simultaneously killed by his subordinates. He also appointed [[Dante]] as Lord Regent of the northern half of the Imperium and as mentioned replaced the Master of the Astronomican who had coincidentally died due to the Long Night in the immediate aftermath of the Great Rift opening.

===The Senatorum===
As mentioned, the High Lords of Terra are a dynamic organisation, that shifts and changes according to the politics of the day. The seventeen Lords listed above in no way represent the entirety of Imperial government, nor do those Lords who '''''don't''''' get a seat on that particular day lose their ability to have their voices heard or impact policy; the Senatorum actually consists of tens of thousands of politicians, all with their own voting rights and agendas. However, the full body virtually never meets in session, and those positions that fall out of eminent favour simply don't occupy seats on the "High Twelve", which also comes with a reduction in privileges, including the right to give orders to Custodians ''(they make the distinction between High Lords and those of the High Twelve + Rotating Greater Lords not currently voting)''. That right to give orders, however, is rendered moot within the Imperial Palace, with the obvious exception of the Captain-General. Known lesser lords and positions are as follows, note how their jobs when described are relatively important to the general situation as well rather than being some nobody on present to raise numbers:

*'''Chancellor of the Imperial Senate''': A rank that exists outside of the High Lords, who acts like the presiding officer of the council. Their job is sometimes more arduous than the actual High Lords, as they have to essentially herd, bully, intimidate, sweet talk, and basically cajole all twelve into regular sessions, as well making sure the process doesn't turn into an eternal game of 'pass the buck'. They are also meant to be as politically neutral as possible, which considering how much cross intent and vested interest floats around the council is either very easy or extremely hard. Lev Tieron was the previous holder and retired during Guilliman's reforms citing old age. His protégé and successor Anna-Murza Jek was instrumental in the foiling of the Hexarchy plot and is currently in office.
*'''Commandant of the Schola Progenium''': The head of the [[Schola Progenium]], and the joint senior-[[Commissar]] of the Imperium, presumably with the head of the Commissariat. Makes sure the new generations properly worship the Emprah and properly hate anything the government does.
*'''Chirurgeon-General of the Orders Hospitaller''': The head Medicae of the Imperium. Though part of the High Twelve in the days of the Emperor, the Chirurgeon-General lost their status as a rotating member of the High Lords after the Horus Heresy, which goes to show how little a priority healthcare is in the Imperium, though for what its worth the post remained as major lesser High Lord.
*'''High Lord of the Imperial Chancellery''': The head of the Imperial Chancellery. This is the person who runs the offices of the Adeptus Terra and is essentially the superintendent of the Imperial Chancellery (Custodian interference and forbidden areas of the Imperial Palace aside). Originally part of the High Twelve, it lost its status after the Heresy and remained a major lesser High Lord.
*'''Lord Constable of the Synopticon''': The head of the Synopticon. What exactly this does is unknown, but "Synopticon" is a word that means ''"Surveillance of the few by the many"''; as his title is "Constable" that presumably makes him some kind of rule enforcer for the Senatorum itself, making sure proper procedure is followed while being more directly involved than the Chancellor. Other guesses are that he's the leader of the space CIA as opposed to the Inquisition's space FBI, or that he acts as the security chief for the Imperial Chancellery.
*'''Mistress Plenary of the Catacombs''': The person overseeing the Catacombs. What exactly that means is unknown, but given what is usually placed in the catacombs of the Imperial Palace, it probably isn't [[Heresy|pretty]].

These six are generally important to the galactic situation or at least Terra's (or the Chancellery within the Imperial Palace itself) and if any of the lesser lords outside the "can be one of the big thirteen" group are in an important but not-everyone is present level meeting its them. Other posts don't have names in the fluff at this time. Speculatively, the Segmenta and particularly important Sectors might have representatives.

When it is expedient or politically advantageous to do so, the High Lords may choose to take seats in various chambers around the Imperial palace. While some chambers are large enough to seat the whole of the senate and then some, others are barely larger than an office, where lesser lords get excluded (save the above posts who as mentioned previously are the most likely of the lesser lords to be present in big deal government meetings which involve those outside the High Twelve but not the other Senatorum politicians, alongside the rotating greater lords).

Finally, the actual bureaucrat in charge of the Senatorum itself, the Chancellor of the Imperial Council (currently Anna-Murza Jek, protege and successor to the retired Lev Tieron), should be detailed further. This is not a High Lord of Terra, but still wields great political power as being in charge of the top level bureaucracy allows them great influence and power as was seen when Jek became suspicious of the fired Master of the Administratum and Ecclesiarch plotting against Guilliman. She was critical in arranging for the traitors to spring their coup early and getting them killed by Grand Master of the Assassins Fadix backstabbing them.

==Trivia==
* The authors of the ''[[Horus Heresy]]'' series are collectively referred to as the "High Lords of Terra" on [[Black Library]]'s blog. According to [[Dan Abnett]], this is intended as self-deprecation. Yes, even the makers of 40K canon think the High Lords of Terra are useless.
* All tea and biscuits are the property of the High Lords of Terra and no one else. They are needed for the constant meetings the High Lords have (most likely to decide what colour to paint the Imperial Palace's walls this season).{{BLAM|Of course it should be GOLD, the Emprah's favorite!}}
* The High Lords do decide on foundings of Space Marines and assign the title of Warmaster to special individuals undertaking Imperial crusades. However considering how many chapters turn renegade or do their own thing and how many crusades seem to fall into failure, this could be further proof of the High Lords' collective uselessness.
* With Papa Smurf as defacto leader of the entire Imperium again, the usefulness of the High Lords have went up a reasonable notch. Mostly because most of them were sacked and replaced after they were [[Fail|dumb enough to try and stage a coup against Roboute freaking Guilliman]].
**Actually only two were sacked. Four more joined the treason plot. The Grand Master of Assassins backstabbed the plotters and killed the other five and kept his post.
* Their Fantasy equivalent, the [[Skaven#Hierarchy|Council of Thirteen]] manages to be more effective and productive despite being run by megalomaniac backstabbing ratmen drug addicts.

==See Also==
*[http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/5492330/ Writefaggotry from /tg/ on the High Lords]
{{Imperium}}

If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device

2021-03-08T10:55:09Z

2A02:1811:5185:DD00:4437:1569:764C:54A3: /* Imperials (So sorta good guys) */

{{Cleanup}}
{{Spoilers}}
[[File:If-the-emperor.png|500px|right|thumb|]]
{{Topquote|'''The LORD:'''<br>"You've nothing more to say to me? You come but to complain unendingly? Is never aught right to your mind?"<br>'''Mephistopheles:'''<br>"No, Lord! All is still downright bad, I find.|Goethe's Faust, Prologue in Heaven.}}

A Youtube series created by Bruva Alfabusa, the show follows the exploits of [[Emprah]] himself in his quest to bring the Imperium of Man to its former glory, helped by the Captain-General of the [[Adeptus Custodes]] (nicknamed "Little Kitten"[[C'tan|...ha]] by his disrespectful underlings), Magnus the Red (now both ensouled and forgiven), and a hilarious cast of other major 40k characters. The series has become a huge success mostly by poking fun at many of the memes, traditions, and quirks of the 40k universe and the fandom, but also by some very awesome scenes, and, of course, great music. This shit has become so popular that it has its own fanfiction (one of which ended up gaining multiple meta-Fanfictions of its own (Does that make them a fanfic... within a fanfic... within what's essentially the video version of a fanfic?)), and there's even a few quotes from the show scattered through the affected characters' pages here. Seriously.

Most fans agree that, while a wild and very unserious take on the 40k universe, and the episodes are often littered with injokes (to the point of one regarding Magnus's VA taking up an entire special), the plot itself isn't actually that outlandish. If the Emps would wake up, it's pretty much a given that he would remove the worst parts of the Inquisition in short order, as well as enacting extensive reforms throughout the rest of the Imperial bureaucracy, while probably being an ass, as he always was. The unsure part is if the Emps would have learned from his 10,000 years of mistakes, which the series believes he has, deep inside. Doesn't help his [[Rage|temper]] though. Ultimately, the 40k universe in its infancy was also originally very wild, unserious, and full of injokes.

The series began back during the unending plot stagnation that had happened between third and seventh, though now that the plot's actually begun to move forward for a change, the series has seen some events unfold that mirror or reference the ongoing advancement of the official 40k plot.

The so-called "TTS-verse" also includes Karl the Deranged's series [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5enLrHSMuIs Chaos Descends], and Eliphas the Inheritor's [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1cXYan0NQA Behemoth] trilogy. "Specials" are slated for story content that takes place outside the throne room. The show also has an in-character podcast that reviews [[Black Library]] books called ''If The Emperor Had a Podcast.'' As in, they go to the Webway Black Library, and pick up books published by GW's Black Library.

In July 2020, a spin-off of the spin-off series ''Bro-Trip 40,000'' was launched. The series, known as [https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLWK8vQC22MgykekzOVpFanOREYV7cY9pL ''WarHams''], consists of tabletop sessions played in [[Wrath and Glory]] with some of the voice actors and writers of TTS.

==Dramatis Personae==
Starting off with a few characters, the series has evolved to encompass a fuckton of major and minor characters, with their own small arcs and all. It's not quite [[Order of the Stick|OotS]] level, but it's getting there.

===Team Emperor===
[[Image:Pleased Emprah.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Emperor of Mankind]]''': The Emprah, who's now able to verbally communicate with people after Techpriests installed a text-to-speech device on his throne. Do you know how Roboute Guilliman is a 'jerk with a heart of gold'? Well the Emperor is a massive frothing plasteel power ceramite spiked dickbag with tourettes and a heart of gold/platinum alloy <s>studded with diamonds</s> that menaces with spikes of diamond. Is currently planning to rebuild the Imperium after hearing the clusterfuck of stories from his Captain-General caretaker. He also has a pet [[Centurion Squad|Centurion]] (who turns out to be rather an important person of the Primarchial variety), which he finds adorable, while finding [[Dreadknight]]s abominable.

He is a jerk, frequently insulting the Captain-General with little reason other than he can (and because it's funny), and dialogue with Magnus implies he's always been a prick. Nonetheless he is ultimately a sympathetic character who wanted to create a better future for humanity and the comedic outrage he displays at all the bad news he gets is justified given how he frequently hears about costly victories that could have been avoided if the men in charge were less incompetent and how the Imperium has been destroying itself (usually because of the Inquisition).

The Emperor has a new plan for defeating Chaos after the "starve them out by getting rid of religion" plan didn't work, but like before, he refuses to tell anyone what that plan is (although this time around, it's apparently not because he doesn't trust anyone, but because he doesn't want to spoil the surprise. Though it's probably sending the Ultramarines to destroy Chaos). As of certain revelations post-Gathering Storm, he's definitely a lot nicer than canon Emprah. Such as getting incredibly furious when he hears that the Inquisition has been murdering his people, reading Rogal a bedtime story (which, naturally, is a guidebook to being an architect) and such. This Emperor seems to honestly care about each individual human but accepts that his decisions cannot be based on that compassion.

**'''The Star Child''': Spoiler alert on this one, but Emps on Terra isn't the only part of Emps still sticking around. If the foreshadowing is anything to go by, he seems to be the largest non-Throne fragment of the Emperor's soul that contains his compassion and love for mankind. Saved the remainder of the Inquisition and Leman Russ from Skarbrand and is currently hijacking Fyodor's body in order to get back to the Material Realm.

[[Image:Sad Kitten.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''Custodes Captain-General (aka Kitten (Real Name: Captain-General Kittonius etc. etc. etc. (as far as Spacebattle’s concerned)))''': Captain-General of the [[Adeptus Custodes]] and the only <s>Custodes</s> [[Companion|Hetaeron]] who appears to have retained most of his sanity after the near-death of the Emperor (as can be seen in the latest episodes, the rest of the Custodes seem to have maintained some form of balance). He serves as both the Emperor's personal caretaker and assistant, and pretty much the only person he regularly talks to and his main link to the outside world.

Generally, the only person the Emperor trusts and treats like a son, albeit constantly berating him whenever he does something stupid, or because he just feels like it. He also seriously hates [[Tau]]. One episode implies that it is because [[Shadowsun]] spurned him for the Greater Go'''OHISWEARTOFUCK THAT WAS ''NOT'' FUCKING CANON!''' He is named ''Little Kitten'' by his fellow Custodes, for "purring his way so far into their ranks", but his real name is a long seemingly nonsensical word salad supposedly based on his accomplishments...

But given how he's been stuck in the palace for the last ten thousand years said accomplishments include things like "Goldilocks-Sunshine-Graham-Corncob". His frequent emotional outbursts despite the supposed emotionless state of the Custodes is intentional and played for humor. After being forced out of the position of the caretaker by his fellow Custodes, Kitten fell into a depression, to which Magnus ominously is taking advantage of by making Kitten his ally in making the Imperium great again and totally not get back at the old man.

So far all he has done was kill a bunch of Lacrymoles that were impersonating the High Lords of Terra. It has been revealed that his uncanny knowledge of the outside world (considering the hate of knowledge in the Imperium in general) could come from the Black Library itself. Has become a master of [[Paradox poker|Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker]] (which is literally just [[Yu-Gi-Oh]] here), defeating not only the Emperor (because of his refusal to unplug Guilliman) but also Tzeentch of all things. <s>He has recently been turned silver</s> by Tzeentch while playing a children's card game (again) and winning over Magnus the Red’s soul.

As of Episode 27, GLORIOUS GOLDEN ARMOR RESTS UPON HIS BREAST ONCE AGAIN, albeit with a bit of silver. In episode 25, the duo arrived on Nocturne and went to 'borrow' the Engine of Woes. At this point, Magnus accidentally kills Vulkan with the engine, which releases Corvus Corax, who was in there the whole time. The Salamanders and Corvus quickly became hostile to Magnus, however, so he teleported himself and Kitten away. He later gets lost in the warp, encounters Crotalids, and plays COD with Apollo Diomedes and Indrick Boreale.

He's now on Mars in order to find and retrieve the Proteus Protocol, a mythical technology that can supposedly bring back Big E, with a retinue of Custodes (including the most FABULOUS dreadnaught in the entire Imperium). Sadly did not appear in Special 6, when the gang played <s>Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay</s> D&D. He and his Custodes henchmen defeat the Fabricator-General in a song-battle and learn the location of the Proteus Protocol in Ep. 28, before his underlings finally accept him and let him know that being cuddly and kindhearted is exactly what the Custodes and the Imperium need in the 42nd millennium (after all, the Imperium has enough warriors. What it really needs is a DADDY).

**Is most likely ''not'' Constantin Valdor or Trajann Valoris, given the latter didn't exist when the series was first made and the former's fate is unknown in the canon. The entire point of the running gag regarding his name is likely to distance himself from any of the canon Captain-Generals. However, it is worth noting that the armor he starts wearing as of EP27 is directly based on Valoris' miniature, though with silver parts thanks to Tzeentch's sorcery, and with the feather on his armor replaced with one of Magnus' instead.
**Episode 28 puts the matter to rest: He is NOT Constantin Valdor or Trajann Valoris. However, according to official GW canon, a Centurion named Longinus was the one who took St. Alicia Dominica and her bodyguards into the Sanctum Imperialis during the Age of Apostasy- something Kitten also did in Ep. 3 or of the same name. It stands to reason that Kitten is Longinus, then.

*'''[[Magnus the Red]]''': The closest thing to a sane person besides the Captain-General (who plays the straight man depending on the situation), and occasionally plays "devil's advocate" as a result. He was retrieved from wherever within the Warp by the sheer plot-armor-powered efforts of [[Cato Sicarius]] and then brought to the Golden Throne, followed by the Emperor bullying [[Tzeentch]] in order to steal back Magnus' soul.

Touched, he somehow managed to forgive the Emperor (sort of) and decided to help the Emps with his plan to fix the Imperium, but Emps being a jerk to him is starting to test his patience. The shiny new bike he was given helped with their reconciliation... buuuut, Emprah being Emprah, it didn't take long enough to start insulting and mocking Magnus back and forth constantly. (Nice Dad skills, really). He may not be actively working for Chaos anymore, but he also quickly runs out of patience with his father and is attempting to fix the Imperium without his help, partly because he has serious doubts about his current sanity (which is kind of justified), and partly just to spite him.

Fortunately, as a Primarch and a particularly knowledgeable one at that, Magnus can probably get it done just fine on his own. Magnus turns into a [[neckbeard]]ed daemon cyclops [http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/mediawiki/images/9/9a/MagnusEpic.jpg that is a bit reminiscent of his] old [[Epic]] model, whenever he enters [[rage]] mode - usually prompted by any mention of [[furries|Space Wolves]], causing him to flashback to the Burning of [[Prospero]]. He's currently undertaking some obscure schemes with the unwitting aid of the Captain-General Kitten, including the attempted assassination of the [[High Lords of Terra]] and "borrowing" the Engine of Woes from Nocturne.

While playing with an ouija board on board a ship with Kitten, Tzeentch arrives to "reclaim" custody of him from his "abusive" father and morphs him back into his Daemon Prince form. It took Kitten playing a child's card game (again) with Tzeentch to keep Magnus out of his clutches. On the other hand, Magnus is stuck in his Daemon Prince form while Kitten theoretically owns his soul (much to his embarrassment and dismay). In episode 25, the <s>couple</s>'''Partners*''' arrived on Nocturne and went to 'borrow' the Engine of Woes. Magnus decides to sneak into the base instead of using his OP invisibility though after a bit of poking at Kitten (it involves Tau, guaranteed to piss him off) then decides to go yell in a North England accent at a guard.

The Engine of Woes, a green hatchback car (<s>the infamous Fiat Multipla</s> a Smart Fortwo) then released Corvus Corvax after Magnus killed Vulkan for hugging him, prompting the entire chapter of the Salamanders to pop up and become very hostile with Magnus (which basically equates to ''purposefully'' hugging you so hard your spine snaps, instead of accidentally doing so). Corax isn't happy either, as he was released from his super dark hole after thousands of years, which forces Magnus to teleport himself and Kitten away.

Vulkan suddenly super healed himself again and wants to hunt/hug Magnus. Later, when Kitten chooses his <s>army list</s> delegation for the trip to Mars, Magnus seems to embrace his inner neckbeard in a different way. After Kitten went on his trip, he met the Emperor to inform him about their return, and as predicted earlier, he was bombarded with chicken jokes instantly. Surprisingly enough, Dorn was the one who complimented him on his new visage. Dawwww... [[Extra Heresy|Magnus controversially thinks Taco Tuesdays should be held on Fridays While still being called Taco Tuesdays.]]

Currently perusing the Black Library for any mention of Cypher. <s>This means we’ll probably see him next around episode 50 as he’ll inevitably get sidetracked and read every book in the Black Library in his incessant thirst for knowledge.</s> Nevermind, [[Cegorach]] showed up to stop them from doing anything and instead challenged Magnus to a comedy battle in front of a Harlequin Troupe. This went about as well as one would expect, with Magnus' dry, cynical sense of 'humor' being beaten out by Cegorach's somehow even more horrid sense of 'humor' involving copious amounts of dead memes that would probably result in Cegorach's immediate strike from a banhammer would he be on /tg/. Magnus nearly commits unintentional suicide though due to using way too much self-deprecative humor (as such comedy causes people's souls to die and wither away and since Magnus is a Warp projection this nearly kills him, like dead dead. But Cegorach calls the battle a draw after some convincing and deal-making with the Fabulous Custode and sends him to help [[Eldrad]] awaken [[Ynnead]] instead...

**Magnus is quite fond of tabletop games and created a decent character, Magnar Buckethead, for an upcoming game with the rest of the delegation, spending a week writing his backstory. But since only he and the Grand Provost Marshal read the rules, he had to be GM. Then he used Buckethead as a starting NPC that gave a first quest for the characters of his comrades, only to get brutally killed afterwards due to horrible decisions.

Seeing his character [[your_dudes|on whos creation he spent so much effort]] getting [[Khorne|Bled]], [[Tzeentch|Backstabbed]], [[Nurgle|Being thrown shit at (literally)]] and [[Slaanesh|Mutilated]] naturally enraged him. Compounded with all the rest of the rail-breaking the party committed on his eloquently-crafted plot, he spent the rest of the campaign he trying to get other characters killed in various ways and failing.

*<s>'''[[Rogal Dorn]]'''</s> '''Lord Ador(n)able:''' Primarch of the [[Imperial Fists]]. Is revealed as the Emperor's personal Centurion, with whom he had nightly cuddling sessions prior to his reveal. He came out of hiding after Kitten brought up the topic of discussing the [[Space Wolves]], where he vehemently suggested not to discuss the Wolves to prevent Magnus from spazzing out. His extreme bluntness is shown to be less because he is an asshole and more because he is extremely oblivious and literal-minded and his stubbornness, a trait ingrained also in his legion, grants him such a closed-minded view and lack of understanding of social situations that he almost always fails to read sub-texts or commonly understood jokes/innuendos.

Then again, given at one point he drops his stoic facade to chuckle at the Emperor being hypocritical about skeleton worship (while claiming his favorite humor is actually the analysis of reality, e.g. "Slapping your hands together to make noise is a strange way of expressing praise"), he could just be trolling everyone by acting the laconic fool in response to "fool-proof" metaphors. Additionally, in episode 24 it is greatly implied he is fully aware of everything going on, including the Emperor's plans, implying he has some form of "super-sanity". Or maybe it's due to using a fucking chainsword to scratch his head.

Before his disappearance, he used to consult his "magic pain glove" until his hand fell off. Despite his eccentricities and his probable inability to understand sarcasm, he can still make surprisingly lucid observations such as that the End Times are coming and that not even the Chaos Gods will survive the inevitable heat death of the entire universe. He even manages to, perhaps unwittingly, [https://youtu.be/ihskUz0obzY?t=390 deliver one of the sickest burns yet on the Emperor], leaving him speechless.

Actually, nearly every line he spouts is full of unintentional hilarity. Is fully capable of "The Laughter". Also believes fully that the "Taco Tuesday" is the true path, and disbelieves that "Taco Friday" is a thing, accusing his father of being a liar for implementing such a belief, making Rogal start the "[http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/heresy/thedornianheresy.pdf Dornian Heresy]", end of the taco Friday, and possibly the end of Emps---{{BLAM}} Very protective of Boy, to the point of actually becoming emotional at the prospect of him being traumatized, and also willing to risk a fortified window or two in order to chuck the Pillar-stodes from them should they keep threatening the child.

As of Episode 12, most major characters "bend" while they are moving, as opposed to them just moving statically like in earlier episodes. Dorn is the only major character who does not do this. Makes sense, knowing the guy.

*'''Boy''': A young serf boy who operates the voxcaster during the Emperor's podcasts and sort of tagalong kid. He has another name, but because he was too slow in saying it, The Emperor decreed that his name is "Boy". Originally incredibly meek and timid due to serving Big E himself, he has recurrent bouts of hyperventilation and anxiety, he later starts to grow a spine and become more self-confident while also becoming physically stronger due the need of walking from his hab-block to the Inner Sanctum while skipping through the throngs of pilgrims at the Palace, avoiding deadly booby-traps and scaling the stairs to the Throneroom.

Apart from operating the vox caster, his other role is representing the knowledge of the average Imperial citizen, which is unsurprisingly abysmal due the lack of education (or in the case of some people, the need to make up for comprehensive education). Has become more intelligent due to Dorn (who had quickly grown fond of him) tutoring him to the point of summarizing the Black Templars in their entirety based on vague information and pointing out chapter flaws AND possibly [[Chapter Master (game)|immense numbers of Chaplains and Apothecaries of which even the High-Marshal apparently was not aware off]], [[Administratum|nor the Emperor & company noticed]]. Is friends with Billy, and in the process of bonding with Magnus the Red of all people due being similarly one-eyed and capable to see horrific warp phenomena (though he has since had a cybernetic replacement installed in the socket).

Additionally, he wishes to be an Astartes, and due to the fact that there's a Chapter of them who keeps their Star-Fortress Monastery parked in orbit most of the time with their [[Rogal Dorn|Primarch]] being basically his adoptive father, it isn't that far fetched. He managed to get the only surviving [[Warhammer_40,000/Tactics/Talons_of_the_Emperor_(30k)#HQ|Tribune]] to dawww at his child-like wonder, and told the Shield-Captain to [[Imperial Guard|"Eat the death-porridge, sir!"]]

Also he kicked and beat his Overseer to death for being demeaning to him and threatening to murder his entire family and all his associates; because said Overseer simply couldn't imagine a mere novice would be allowed in the Emperor's presence and believed he was outrageously lying and blaspheming. In the process though, he had his eardrums blown out by the Overseer's Ass-Hailer security guard (and here too got cybernetic replacements afterwards). It appears he lived in a district close to an outpost of the [[Skaven|"underground rattie imperigum"]], hinting the Great Horned Rat and the Skaven may have truly managed to invade the 40k reality, probably thanks to the use of transdimensional Gnawholes gone awry. He (and presumably his family) now live in the Sanctum.

He quickly became a mascot for the populace of the Empire as a whole and as of Episode 29 has officially become a character in the primary series.

===Imperials (So sorta good guys)===
[[Image:Pillar-Stodes.png|thumb|right|From right to left: Wamuudes, Custodisi, and Karstodes.]]
*'''The Pillar-stodes (Wamuudes, Custodisi, and Karstodes)''': Some of the Emperor's personal companions from the Great Crusade days, and the current Tribunes of the Adeptus Custodes. As far as the main TTS-Reaction thread's concerned, their real names are Karius Dolman, Disistan Flavius, and Whamusus Balik.After his interment into the Golden Throne, the rest of the Custodes have shed their armor as a sign of mourning.

This, however, has also caused them to become fabulous hedonists, which greatly disturbs the Emperor. Not only do they somehow not take it to a Slaaneshi-tier extreme, they actually despise Slaaneshi daemons the most, much to the Emperor's confusion. They also have no respect for their Captain General and don't even seem to remember that he's their superior, actually [[Just As Planned|taking away his job as the emperor's caretaker by doing something for him]]. They constantly slip innuendos into their conversations, much to the discomfort of everyone involved, except for Rogal (who is too literal-minded to notice).

A running gag with them is that whenever the Pillarstodes come into a scene, they would dynamically jump in from nowhere with their own [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUhVCoTsBaM personal theme song], and also make obscure Jojo references at times. The three Pillarstodes' appearances are based on the Pillar Men from [[JoJo's Bizarre Adventure]]: Battle Tendency; a group of fabulously well-built, half-naked Aztec vampire demigods seeking immortality. They do have discernible personalities, though;
**Karstodes is a spotlight-hogger who is desperate for the Emperor's attention, which makes him act like a yes-man and threaten anyone who dares even hint at disagreeing with Big.E with violence.
**Waamudes is the one making all the innuendoes, double-entendres and sees lewdness in all things. He's so good at oiling and greasing his fabulous body he's transcended friction (for the most part).
**Custodisi is at first sight the most sane of the three, having no qualms with plainly telling the Emperor he doesn't know something, or even daring voice dissent. Turns out he's... unhealthily... obsessed with Primarchs, however.

Two (Custodisi and Wamuudes) wind up encountering Cegorach in front of the Black Library. They manage to gain entrance and retrieve a surprising amount of literature on the White Scars, but are traumatized by the Laughing God & are mentally exhausted from sifting through so much knowledge. Apparently, Cegorach was quite scary, as they are terrified after hearing his "[BAZINGA]" cue; although it may simply be a reference to that one time when two Harlequins managed to enter the Imperial Palace and slaughtered a shit load of Custodes while claiming to have come in peace and simply want to deliver a message to the Emperor (and the best is that [[Heresy|one of them was saved by the Inquisition]] [[Extra Heresy|in the name of inter-species friendship]], in spite of the Captain-General being hell-bent on killing both), so it is actually no surprise at all that some Custodes have got massive traumas.

Recently, after the trip to the Black Library, Custodisi and Wamuudes have been semi-corrupted and began spouting Khornate speech and wishing to genocide the normies in the anger intervention against Helbrecht, high marshal of the [[Black Templars]]. (Actually, back in 2nd edition where you could play <s>Chaos</s>{{BLAM|'''REDACTED'''}} bands in an RPG fashion style, there was a tiny possibility for your lord of Choas to be a Custodes! So, <s>Chaos</s>{{BLAM|'''REDACTED'''}} Custodes are (were) canon... and compared to modern Geedubs, this show relies quite a lot on old [[fluff]]). Recently, Custodisi has been theorized to have been Horus’d by Emps after he mentioned the sheer concept of “wincest” within metaphysical earshot of '''YA BOI'''.

He later appeared in the 6th special, apparently having been transported to the WARHAMMER Fantasy world, where he encountered the main cast playing at game of Fantasy Roleplay and killed a bunch of their characters. Interestingly, Custodisi lost an arm in this fight, just as ACDC/Elsidisi, the character he's based on, lost an arm fighting Joseph in Battle tendency. Custodisi has since "returned from hell" with a few trophies, a prosthetic arm, and a more humble attitude. Due to his good luck at being voiced by the series creator, Wamuudes leads the voxcasts, as well as having a set of vox logs of his own.

Meanwhile, whilst Custodisi and Waamudes had their heretical swings, Karstodes seems to have been on a path to improvement which culminated in ep. 28 when he recognized how unfair he had been to the captain general and resigned as caretaker. The Emperor was genuinely surprised and impressed by the Custodian's sudden insight, and praised Karstodes for having reached that conclusion of his own volition. Envigorated, Karstodes pledged to the Emperor to continue on his path of self improvement. He has a love-hate relationship with Boy, as Karstodes childishly competes for the Emperor's attention every second he is on screen.

This becomes even more intense when it's revealed that although frequently mocking Boy for his ignorance, Karstodes cannot read.

*'''Diavolodes''': Another crazy Jojo-Custodes (this one is based on Diavolo from part 5), he appeared out of the blue and asked Kitten and Magnus if they knew who he was, and was content to hear that they didn't. Once alone, he started to laugh maniacally, declaring that soon the new Emperor would be him, Diavodes! Also [[Alpha Legion|may or may not]] be [[Alpharius|a familiar face]] in disguise. He appears about 11 minutes into episode 22, and may have tagged along with Kitten's Mars expedition under the name Lrak (Nude-stodes figure appears during the pan out before Magnus sends them to Mars saying something about "Wanting to play among the Dunes"). Has a strange obsession with piss.

*'''Mars Delegation''': As part of the Captain General's mission to secure some choice intel from the Fabricator-General, he decided to grab a few particular allies from the various shield hosts.
**'''Hammurabi Unferth''': Shield Captain from the Emissaries Imperiatus. Apparently, the entire host is skilled in being passive-aggressive with the guilt trip, and he's the best at it. During the mars trip he is shown to be also pretty good at direct intimidation when needed and that he is a staunch supporter of kitten.
**'''Lockwarden of the Shadowkeepers''': The Shadowkeepers are the shield host specialized in guarding the vaults of Terra and the abominations within, one of which is an archaeotech monstrosity formed from a Singing Billy Bass. The Lockwarden seems to end all his sentences with shades emotes and has a...peculiar manner of speech. <s>He seems to have helped Kitten deal with his break up with Shado</s>'''NOT FUCKING CANON''' <s>and still gives him advice on the ma</s>'''NO NO NO'''. Love is a strange thing, dude B)
**'''Santodes''': Yep, you guessed it, a fourth Pillar-stodes, referencing Santana from JoJo, and voiced by none other than Curtis "'''Takahata101'''" Arnott himself. Santodes is a FULLY CLOTHED blue Contemptor-Achillus Dreadnought with a fabulous head of golden hair and a fascination for his frame that's on tier with his living counterparts. Santodes had previously been identified as the Custodes who threw himself in front of the Emperor (stripped down to his loin-cloth, no less) to try to upstage Ollanius Pius' sacrifice. He was put up to it by none other than Kitten, who has sheer passive-aggressiveness dripping off of him every moment Santodes is on screen. Hes also very seductive to Skitarii who find him very attractive (being 99.9% machine of the highest quality)

[[Image:High Lords Text.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''The [[High Lords of Terra]]''': The people responsible for running the Imperium itself. Despite this the majority of the High Lords never really discuss or do anything to the betterment of the Imperium and just act senile, usually discussing about subjects relating to defecation and its products, and once even planning to outlaw breathing for everyone but them. For this reason, Magnus wants them all dead and handle governing the Imperium directly, but Kitten may have succeeded in convincing them not to fuck over the Imperium so much.

Apparently, the High Lords are commonly recruited from the Old Folks' planet, a retirement home so terrible that the High Lords have banned ever saying its name. There are currently 5 (technically 7 if you count the Head Scribe and Fyodor) High Lords featured, aside from the Captain-General. The High Lords are currently enjoying their time off/wallowing in misery thanks to the fact that the Emperor has pretty much made them obsolete, especially after he made making new laws illegal.
[[Image:High Lords 2.jpg|thumb|right]]
:*'''[[Ecclesiarchy|<s>Ecclesiarch</s> Mancclesiarch]] Decius XXIII''': The only non-senile High Lord (so far, there's still more we haven't seen) aside from the Captain-General, who legitimately takes his post seriously, even standing up to Fyodor and forbidding him to shed a single drop of blood from Terra's population ([[rules lawyer|which Fyodor circumvented by using incendiary weaponry]]).

For not screwing up the Emperor's plan, not being an overzealous bag of insanity, and rushing to try to save the Emperor when Fyodor stormed Terra's Palace he is allowed to stay leader of the Ecclesiarchy, even as the Emps is disbanding it/just changing every mention of '''God'''-Emperor to '''Man'''-Emperor, due to the fact that he and those who obeyed Emprah now are in charge of reforming the Imperium from the craphole it has sunk in. [[Space Marines|Loyalty to the man rather than the word]] finally paid off.

Just about everyone mocks him for his hat, which gets limp or...stiff depending on his emotional state, leading to his nickname of Pope Shafthat XXIII [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pq-6aj9sNvo He proved that despite the crap others give him, he can make some pretty rousing speeches on the fly]. The Emperor is honestly pleased that Decius is genuinely loyal. When told by the Emperor that Emps is not a god, Decius is disappointed, but does not hesitate to accept it because his loyalty is strong enough that if the Emperor says he is not a god, then he is not a god.

He also was ready to do his best to disband the Ministorum despite knowing what the priesthood would do to him for such "heresy" because the Emperor said to. Ultimately, his genuine loyalty is heavily rewarded by the Emperor. It probably also helps that the Emperor doesn't force Decius or the Ecclesiarchy to stop worshipping him altogether, just as a God, instead allowing them to worship him as [[Humanity Fuck Yeah|the pinnacle of humanity and what everyone should aspire to]]. After all, he may not be a god, be he's still fucking awesome.
:*'''Fabricator-General of Mars''': The head of the Adeptus Mechanicus. Is so old that his voice stutters every time he speaks like a broken version of Stephen Hawking in addition to always speaking in little tunes. Constantly does nothing but insult his fellow High Lords for being made of flesh and recommend they swap out their fleshy bits for mechanical augmentations. According to other Magos, the Fabricator-General is also a massive junkie (literally as well as figuratively; his true form fills a room) and party animal and at the end of Episode 28, after being confronted by Dark Angels looking for Cypher, Asmodai <s>made him repent</s> MURDERED HIM VIOLENTLY.

He has recently been revealed to be utilizing the Proteus Protocol to survive repeated explosions and orders Cawl to liquidate the Custodes questing to retrieve the protocol. Gets hit very hard on the head by a Dark Angel Crozius Arcanum after suspected of knowing about the Fallen.
:*'''Grand Provost Marshal''': Head of the Adeptus Arbites, who does nothing but propose to make everything illegal. [[Judge Dredd|HE IS THE LAW]]... at least until The Emperor declares the act of making new laws to be illegal, something which utterly devastates him. This makes him surprisingly adept at tabletop roleplaying games as he read the rules and understood them even better than Magnus did.
:*'''Master of the Administratum''': The head of the Imperial bureaucracy. A bit less inept than the rest of the High Lords, he acts like your everyday senile grandfather.
:*'''Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard''': The leader of the Imperial Guard. Doesn't do much, apart from comparing war to the good ol' days. Aware enough to know that the removal of minor luxuries (laxatives, breathing) may have detrimental effects on the Imperial Guard. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUrhqCkYwps Lays a sicknasty dilarius biznasty beat.][https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wo5ro1nWsPU And has the bling to match.]

----

===The Ultrasmurfs===
Very obnoxious and accompanied by the Ultramarine Chant from Chaos Gate. They apparently cannot be defeated due to their literal use of the "holy Codex" from their "Spiritual Liege." Managing to do nigh impossible feats. While the Emperor is not amused with them at all, he tolerates their OP plot armor to do impossible tasks for him such as retrieving Magnus from the Eye of Terror (with their Gellar Field turned ''off'', of all things) with minimal casualties, finding and sneaking the rest of Vulkan's artifacts onto Nocturne, and (currently) outdancing the best Harlequin dancers in the Webway while searching for Jaghatai Khan. Other impossible tasks in the past include using a giant Necron Pylon as a melee weapon, outfighting a Transcendent C'tan shard and killing a Phantom Titan by punching it in the foot.
*'''[[Marneus Calgar]]''': Chapter Master of the Ultramarines. He's currently depressed and frustrated at the state of the Ultramarines where they basically win everything (due to their plot armor) as well as their strict adherence to the Codex Astartes to the point that it's no longer fun, nor satisfying, to win anymore. Due to this, his mood is eternally grumpy, only made worse by Sicarius' constant gloating. He actually seems to care deeply for the men under his command as he gets extremely pissed off when Sicarius put his marines at unnecessary risk to achieve another victory to inflate his reputation, so one could assume Sicarius is the exception. He also appears in a flashback during the second [[Tyranid]] war in Ultramar, where he did battle with the Swarmlord. [https://youtu.be/cB79pnU2f2I?t=5m30s While he put up a valiant fight, he found that they were equally matched, and thus, declared it a draw.] (also, that whole gag is a clear reference to a Monty Python movie about King Arthur, just search up “Monty Python black knight scene”) Blatant hints point towards a deal he made with [[Matt Ward|something]] to give his Chapter more victories (hinted to have begun during the Second Tyrannic War), which he deeply regrets. Best buds with [[Ciaphas Cain]]
*'''[[Illiyan Nastase]]''': Chief Astropath of the Ultramarines. He received a brief mention during Episode 25, when he delivered a message to the Ultramarines Chapter Master, but did not receive any screentime. Marneus Calgar is deeply resentful of Illiyan's existence, and very adamantly insists on pushing him out of the spotlight and removing all mentions of the half-Eldar's existence. Because yes, Half-eldar serving the Ultramarines are canon. (Seriously, why does everyone forget Nastase was never a marine to begin with?)
*'''<s>[[Cato Sicarius]]</s> Cunto Shitarius''': Current Captain of the Ultramarines 2nd company. Rather than an exaggeration of the canon Cato (who is a perfectly normal, bland Ultramarine) he's the physical embodiment of /tg/'s hatred of [[Matt Ward]]: a massive glory hound layered in plot armor, turned up to eleven, where he only cares for his advancement in the ranks of the Ultramarines and not much else. He apparently undertook the mission to capture Magnus the Red. Alone. Without his gellar field turned on, and his survival at such mission greatly pissed off Calgar to no ends (and someone on Spacebattles wrote a thread where he even pisses off Guilliman), who was hoping he would die. He is also very verbal about his intention to take the position of Chapter Master, which ''greatly'' upsets, or rather, very pisses off, Calgar (as Cato's dialogues largely implies that he's better than him and wishes for his death), to the point where he threatens to perform an [[Imperial Fists|"Imperial Fisting"]] upon Sicarius with his Gauntlets if he continues such thoughts. He also has a very egotistical, effeminate voice that can only be described as "the incredibly sanctimonious love child of tinnitus and a jackhammer", and he always refers to himself in the third person. [https://youtu.be/bM8YGsAmeqE?t=1m56s It's goddamn hilarious.]
*'''[[Uriel Ventris]]''': Current Captain of the Ultramarines 4th company. He doesn't have a lot of development yet, but appears as a close friend of Calgar and is the only one who's noticed the Ultramarines' theme of somehow always completing utterly suicidal missions. He comes to realize that some unknown force is tampering with space and time to rewrite history,([https://youtu.be/eG82ruvH0jc?t=120 Probably has to do with an ''itsy bitsy little'' '''SHARD''']) covering up the Ultramarines past failures and playing up their successes to impossible levels, and starts to suspect that Calgar knows more about this than he's letting on. He also loves to talk about the unique green trim in his armor. He ALSO hates Cunto Shitarius. Who doesn't?
*'''[[Roboute Guilliman]]''': The Emperor has regularly made a point of ordering the Custodes Captain-General to have him taken off life-support. Currently, the only reason he's still on it is Kitten winning an epic duel in a [[Yu-Gi-Oh|children's card game]] against the Emperor. The result of his actions and the Codex Astartes horrifies his father. Going by the previous canon of Guilliman perhaps actually regenerating from the wounds that supposedly killed him, the Empra likely wants the time stasis field deactivated so he can finally get off his fucking ass. Though if we're going by official canon, it seems that the Emprah's intervention is no longer necessary. Amusingly, canon Guilliman's reaction to the Imperium upon being woken up isn't ostensibly that different to TTSD Emperor's (minus the swearing, bullying, and psychic temper tantrums). This is also supported in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-Qt3SXfYf8 recent TTS-related content, when he was interrogated by Cyberdong the Techpriest].

===Team Friendly Crusade of Friendly Friendship===
*'''[[Ferrus Manus]]:''' Primarch of the [[Iron Hands]]. Due to him being dead, he only appears as a ghost. Strangely, only Vulkan and Corax are able to see and hear him, leading other people like Magnus to think that his brothers have gone insane (probably because they were at Isstvan V and watched him die). He does nothing but tells Vulkan and Corax that they [[Adeptus Mechanicus|(and flesh)]] are weak. As for the latter "-is weak" statement, Vulkan bonks Brain-ghost Ferrus on the head saying "the real Ferrus Manus would say the opposite, ya' dumb ghostface idiot" which raises some questions about if it really is Ferrus' ghost. Only his head is visible, leading to Vulkan calling him a skull-ghost, a "Skost" if you will.

====Salamanders====
The Salamanders are a bunch of pyromaniacs in Cataphractii Terminator armor, infamous for their obsession with fire. They appear to be severely deaf, and are at least prone to talking in very loud voices, not hearing Kitten freak out next to them or the Ultramarines sneak the artifacts past them while their infamous theme song was blaring, and later not hearing a trapped Corax called out for help. They also seem to be oblivious to their Primarch's perpetual abilities, given that they're utterly shocked whenever Vulkan dies and resurrects again, despite personally witnessing it happen at least 6 times already, so far. The Emperor wonders if the Salamanders' pyromania had to do with his act of keeping their gene-seeds closer to the candle for warmth when he was creating them.

*'''[[Vulkan]]:''' Primarch of the [[Salamanders]]. After the Ultramarines found the remaining artifacts of Vulkan in secret for the Salamanders, Vulkan returned to the chapter, where his return was greeted with great adulation (VUVUZELAS). He is notably quite crazy, both haunted by the not-ghost with a not-face of Ferrus Manus. He speaks with a distinct South African/Jamaican accent and loves friendship, brotherhood, and cute animals (including Catachan Barking Toads, leading to some snoot-booping hilarity in the spin-offs). Died during his battle with the Beast, after pushing it into a reactor of WAAAGH energy, causing him to occasionally gain an Ork's eyes, violent vocabulary and speech patterns after his inevitable resurrection (which is hilarious when juxtaposed with his normally friendly speech). Dies again after Magnus unintentionally telepathically crushed him under The Engine of Woes, the trunk of which Vulkan had locked Corvus Corax in, then promptly got better within mere minutes. Has used the [[Grimdark|darkest corner of the universe]] as a place to relax for over 9000 years and work on his hobby, Battlemace 42,000,000. He is currently traveling with Corax & the Salamanders across the Imperium before returning to Terra to finish giving the spine-crushing hugs he wants to give to Magnus. Also, as of Ep.27, Magnus suspects Vulkan had his soul fused with a piece of the Ork gestalt consciousness, effectively making him a half-ork. Vulkan can apparently tap into said energies and channel it through his faith in the Emperor, and can also apparently communicate with animals via the power of friendship. As of Bro Trip 3, he has somehow vanished after making a shocking recovery from the symptoms of a virus bombing with his innate Orkiness.
*'''[[Vulkan He'stan|He'stan]]''': Forgefather of the Salamanders. He is seen sleeping on an anvil on fire when Cato Sicarius delivered the remaining artifacts to the Salamanders, literally driving them through the wall of the fortress into the Forgefather's personal chambers. Thinking he found the artifacts in his sleep, he subsequently declares himself to be best forgefather (and doesn't know that Vulkan was actually hiding for 9000 years in a very dark corner on the same planet). He also has a very Girlish Scream.
*'''[[Tu'Shan]]''': Chapter Master of the Salamanders. Rocks a sweet set of dragon armor and has a very knightly manner of speech. Expect to hear the phrase "My Primach!" in some form a few times per appearance.

====Raven Guard====
A bunch of emotional, apologetic emos in Corvus armor with Jump Packs and Lightning Claws.

*'''[[Corvus Corax]]''': Primarch of the [[Raven Guard]]. Apparently spent the past few millennia on [[Nocturne]], trapped in a 3rd millennium smart car referred to as the "Engine of Woes" while writing edgy poetry. Is accidentally freed by Magnus when he uses the Engine of Woes to fight off Vulkan. Currently accompanying the Salamanders on a trip to the Imperial Palace. His personality is, hilariously, one of an edgy teenage goth, with his self-hate and moodiness turned up to eleven. Wants to show the Emprah his edgy poetry. Magnus and Kitten freak out when he appears. Looks surprisingly like John Wick, or Samurai Jack during Season 5 with unwashed ammonia encrusted long hair. Willing to accept his own death rather than bring it upon his friends and allies. Is currently traveling the Imperium with Vulkan, where he constantly acts as the morose voice of reason to contrast Vulkan's joyful insanity.
*'''[[Kayvaan Shrike]]''': Raven Guard Master of Shadows (AKA Chapter Master - '''because why not'''.). He seems to be fairly bipolar, going from jovial to depressed at the drop of a hat. Also makes bird noises. Vulkan noted he was also extremely polite and apologetic; often saying sorry for things that weren't even his fault or deflecting apologies to him for misfortune by saying he deserves it for being neglectful.
*'''Kadus''': In lore, Kadus is one of the most esteemed Space Marines in the Raven Guard Chapter and is one of Chapter Master Kayvaan Shrike's closest personal friends, having served together with him alongside his other friend, Corus, since their time as initiates. In the series, he accompanies Shrike and acts as his more level headed counterpart.

====Warhams Crew====
A side story of a side story about a small four-man team consisting of a [[psyker]] murderhobo, a [[Skitarii]] murderhobo, an incompetent [[Rogue Trader]], and an Inquisitorial Acolyte of the [[Ordo Xenos]] who is somehow the straight man of the group. They are the owners of the ''Debt Collector'', an Imperial ship that has gone several cycles without proper maintenance. Their job is to go to planets as ambassadors, and they are often left with the weirdest places, like a [[ratling]] [[agri world]], a (deserted(?)) [[Necron]] [[tomb world]], a penal colony, and a hive world where the people are so backwater that they're space-hillbillies who keep their own blood in separate bags.

*'''Lorn''': A psyker from [[Fenris]] with a huge beard. He is batshit crazy most of the time, and the one of the most LOLrandom characters on the show. Once had his psychic power dampened and grew muscles the size of an Ogryn's as a result. Played by Zoran, who also voices [[Leman Russ]].
*'''π Braine''': A Skitarii hailing from Lemuria, an underwater [[Forge_World#Planet|forge world]]. He is the other LOLrandom character, who likes to roam the halls of the ''Debt Collector'' and randomly murder crew members he thinks are sabotaging the ship. Usually though, the sabotages are more than likely his. Played by SpeakerD, who also voices [[Asdrubael Vect]].
*'''Captain Zedek''': The Rogue Trader that captains the ''Debt Collector''. Though it's hard to say what he actually does on the ship, as he seems perfectly content to let everyone else on the ship solve his problems. Now that he has an actual Tech-Priest on the ship -- who is far more competent in her leadership -- he feels slightly threatened in his authority. Played by HulkyKrow.
*'''Reeb Van Horne''': The Inquisitorial Acolyte from the [[Ordo Xenos]]. Surprisingly the least insane member of the group, although he's had his moments, like trying to resurrect a dead techpriest (and succeeding). When the plot needs to move along, his character tends to take care of business. Played by Earndil.

===The Deathwatch===
Who are you gonna call if some nasty Xenos wont leave your basement - call the 'Deathwatch'. 100% guarantee to eliminate the vermin.... and nick its stuff. If not then theres no refunds- as we are probably dead.
*'''Calato''': A [[Deathwatch]] Champion from the Dark Angels. Originally from BEHEMOTH, Calato served under Inquisitor [[Kryptman]], spending more time irritably fixing recaf rather than fighting Xenos. Calato later shows up trapped in the warp with Karamazov and the rest of the Inquisition, where he had the balls to call Leman Russ a dogfucker to his face. Naturally, Russ was not amused. Later they made up over a pint of Fenrisian Ale, with Calato drunkenly embracing Russ as his "uncle... dog... my duncle!" He is later seen fighting against [[Plaguebearers]] during their defense of Khaine's gate, where Wilford forcefully dragged him out of combat after failing their squad's morale check, all the while demanding vengeance.

*'''Wilford''': A [[Deathwatch]] Apothecary from the Ultramarines, who mostly agreed to join the Deathwatch as he is unable to stand his chapter's insufferable self-superior attitude. Originally appeared in BEHEMOTH, but accompanied Calato during Fyodor's assault in the Emperor palace, and subsequently banished to the Warp during that event. He's obsessed with keeping everyone's health optimal, constantly berating and advising them to avoid further or future injury and illness.

===The Dark Angels===
The Inner Circle are a ragingly paranoid group of neurotic basketcases, far more so than in canon. Keep having to make non-circle marines [[RIP AND TEAR |"repent"]] for overhearing them discussing the Fallen very loudly.

*'''[[Azrael]]:''' Chapter Master of the [[Dark Angels]]. He's depicted as an overly paranoid wreck, obsessing about [[Cypher]], the [[Fallen Angels]] and constantly telling any non-inner circle member that reports to them that they're doing nothing suspicious and secretly heretical. The fact that he had two newly indoctrinated inner circle members killed because they stumbled onto knowledge of the fallen (that he spat out in front of them) is played for laughs.
*'''[[Belial]]:''' Grand Master of the Deathwing. His emo personality is hilariously turned to eleven whenever he perceives himself or his chapter as not being perfect, which is every waking second. This curiously allows him to become more reasonable than the rest of the Inner Circle, allowing him to converse with other people that doesn't outright accuse or threaten them. He has an effeminate yet whiny voice similar to Thurston Howell III.
*'''[[Asmodai]]:''' The Dark Angels' Master of Repentance (which basically means "Violent Murdering" to him). Not nearly as a fun police officer as his canon counterpart; his personality is psychotically intense, often telling people to redeem themselves or he'll do the actual redemption. However, given his views on "redemption", it usually doesn't end well (it tends to involve a crozius to the face). He's also as every bit as paranoid as Azrael. [https://youtu.be/M56aycpd9kA?t=19m55s REPENT, MOTHERFUCKER.]
*'''[[Watchers in the Dark|Watcher in the Dark]] (aka Snurko):''' A Watcher that accompanies Azrael, who is apparently the only one of its kind who can talk. It suddenly spoke of Cypher while in the presence of two newly indoctrinated inner-circle Angels, [https://youtu.be/M56aycpd9kA?t=17m48s prompting Azrael to hilariously beat the shit out of it.] His speech and mannerisms appear to be based off Orko from the He-man series.

===The White Scars===
*'''[[Jaghatai Khan]] (Honoured Be His Name)''': Primarch of the White Scars. During the Horus Humbug, he managed to pull off the amazing feat of standing still for more than 20 seconds (while standing on a Razorback going at 200 miles per hour). After the Codex announcement, he may be in [[Commorragh]], as he desired to [[meme|go fast]] and beat [[Dark Eldar|"those knife-eared assholes"]] in their jetbike races. Not much is known about his whereabouts right now, but it does mean that we will get to see him. Also, the Emperor has stolen at least one of his bikes from his room. There are many bets on his character vibrating rapidly in place.
*'''[[Kor'sarro Khan]]''': The White Scars' Master of the Hunt and "the only White Scar worth mentioning". While he hasn't appeared, he is talked about at length in a public broadcast on the subject of the White Scars chapter. While Emps and co. spend more time mocking Voldorius, The Emperor does briefly question why he isn't their Chapter Master, which is probably the biggest endorsement an individual Space Marine has gotten since the Horus Heresy.

===The Black Templars===
According to Rogal Dorn, the Templars are absolute lunatics obsessed with "PURGING WITH MY KIIIIIIIIIIIIIN". They enjoy listening to Linkin <s>Loyalists</s> Purge in their drop pods and ramming swords through Xenos skulls. Actually not that far off canon. They may be slightly improving after being forced/convinced to have ordinary humans, psykers, librarians, ratlings and all other sorts of abhumans in their ranks.
*'''Chaplain [[Grimaldus]]:''' Shows up in a filler short where he tries to ban the holiday of Sanguinala. The other Black Templars tell him he can't, prompting him to go to his bed and throw a loyalist tantrum.
*'''High Marshal Helbrecht:''' Received an anger management course from the Emperor and the custodians and was semi-convinced to teach the Black Templars to not be ''completely'' batshit insane. Also has a voice like that of a clown goblin gargling marbles. Prefers sitting on things that are [[Space Marines|''stiff'' and very ''hard'']] to things that are [[Tau|''soft'' and ''limp'']]. Was very pleased with the prospect of the Emperor shitting on the UltraSmurfs, a phrase he interpreted as being a literal desire to defecate upon them. [[/d/|'''Nasty.''']]

===The Space Corgis===
Renamed by official decree by the Emperor himself after being informed of how everything in their vernacular seemed to have been prefaced by the word "wolf", including curse words, such as Leman Russ replacing the word "fucking" with "wolfing". Their initiation rites for aspirants culminates in sending them through the Gate of Morkai to endure a [[Tzeentch|"squid"]] screaming at them without getting a boner (your guess as to ''how'' that might even occur).

*'''[[Leman Russ]]''': Primarch of the Space Corgis, been hiding in the Warp for eons and has the punching speed of a Super Saiyan. Has a verbal staredown with Karamazov, then proceeds to relentlessly mock him while obsessing over wolves. He also gives a thorough dressing-down of the 3 branches of the Inquisition, as well as the Deathwatch, Tempestus Scions and Sisters of Battle accompanying them (delivering the infamous line "Daemons of Khorne are gonna eat ya out like ice cream sandwiches once your Red Rage begins!"). He even has his own version of the [[meme|Navy Seal Copypasta]]. Despite being a Viking, he has a pseudo-Scottish accent. Magnus has accused him of being a furry-fuck. He is currently teaching the Inquisition how to survive in the Warp by turning them into a drunken mob and killing innocent daemons. This includes pranks of various sorts, such as crank calling Furies, cockblocking a Daemonette at a bar (which actually kills it), ding-dong-ditching Skarbrand, and assaulting one of Nurgle's daemons with a fuckload of soap ''(and a bathtub)''. After learning that Magnus is currently located in the Imperial Palace, he decided to get out of the Warp and go back to Terra; this journey currently includes surviving an army from all the Chaos Gods led by some of the most infamous Daemons, then walking through the Gate of Khaine into Commuragh, and being escorted to the Dark Eldar Overlord Vect, alongside with Karamazov and Kaldor Draigo. Is able to summon things by thinking about them really hard, ironically due to the fact that he is a psyker. He uses this ability to torture some Dark Eldar who challenged him to a game of 20 questions. Also appears to be friends with [[Boatmurdered|Urist Boatmurdered]]

*'''Space Wolves [[Wulfen]]''': Any mention of the Wulfen is normally echoed with someone bellowing "[[Digganobz]]" in a demented manner. This is referred within a Youtube short: the Grandmaster of the Grey Knights, Sir Covan Leorac, was presented an image of the Wulfen and he called them Digganobz. And yes, they really ''do'' look like Digganobz.

===The Grey Knights===
*'''[[Kaldor Draigo]]''': The Supreme Grand Master of the [[Grey Knights]], who is cursed to wander The Warp for eternity. Centuries wandering unrealspace however, eroded Draigo's sanity (at one point Leman questions if Draigo can even be considered sentient, which Draigo answers no), which might not be a bad thing as his craziness allows him to both stay in the warp without any trouble and murder daemons left and right (remember: the warp is a reflection of the minds of mortals and psykers can influence it to a higher degree. Draigo's insanity and powerful psychic talents allow him to shrug off the madness of the warp, simply because he believes without a shadow of a doubt that he can). He's made several appearances, first is annoying Fyodor's attack force after being banished into the warp by Magnus and later summoned by Kitten to handle Magnus' tantrum, which he does so in a split-second offscreen using inexplicable Mary Sue powers to defeat him. He now hangs around with Russ and company and is the only one besides Russ who can safely traverse the warp sober and troll daemons without his head exploding. Has apparently been sending Daemons (in the form of ordinary villagers, with jobs and families) into the "Super Warp" by throwing vortex grenades at them (given that they're already in The Warp, the grenades would suck them <s>to an even deeper version of The Warp</s> Back out into real space which, considering they’re demons, would mean that they would promptly die). Unfortunately, his [[Matt Ward|Wardian plot armor]] is not enough to protect him from one of the most powerful forces in the Warhammer universe: bad dice rolls. (seriously, the dice they were using must’ve been loaded) This shows quite painfully during the battle at Khaine’s Gate, where he repeatedly fails his psychic tests and charge attempts, Causing a group of Tempesta scions, and a firing line of sisters of battle, to get brutally murdered by demons. he’s still a beast in close-combat though, as the Masque of Slaanesh can attest. Is known for Insane ramblings that come out of pretty much nowhere, and make no sense, but are absolutely hilarious. Prominent quotes shall be listed in The bottom section.

*'''Covan Leorac''': A Grand Master of the Grey Knights. He appears in a short video where some Grey Knights report <strike>solid evidence of the [[Wulfen]] among the Space Wolves</strike> FAHCK YOU! DIGGANOBZ. However, Covan is absolutely convinced that they're Digganobz and not Wulfen, even hitting a Knight in the head for disagreeing with. Whether this is a jab at GW heavily basing the look of Wulfen on Digganobs or is in conscious denial to prevent the Grey Knights from waging a costly war upon the Space Wolves (again) is up to interpretation.

*'''Dread Knight''': The Emperor thinks its design is silly and looks like a baby cradle), but the Dread Knight proves to be as brave as it is massive, heroically charging at Skarbrand only to be made into a red paste after it initiated physical contact with him.

=== The Blood Angels ===

*'''[[Sanguinius]]''': Fabulous Fucking Hawkboy, and Primarch of the Blood Angels who is very, '''very''' dead. BUT he can appear lying face-up, head somewhat melty, in the visions/dreams of the faithful. (Though apparently only whilst they are heavily drugged on Ork Fungus...). Bears the dubious honour of being the only person the Emperor will not smack talk about nor tolerate being talked down about.
**'''The [[Sanguinor]]''': Mentioned in the second Q&A session where one of the [[Flesh Tearers]] is praying for his aid and a Blood Raven asks of his true nature. The Emprah has no clue, but hopes that it could be a 'fragment' of Sanguinius and hopes he returns. This implies the Emprah thinks that, just as his own soul was split into fragments by Fucking Horus, the same may have happened on some level to Sanguinius. Later makes a brief cameo swapping places to give his <s>girlfriend</s> colleague, Saint Celestine, a break from her stressful job of helping her sisters. While she was grateful and considered him shy and a sweetheart, she and the Blood Angels (that she rescued from Be'lakor on Sanguinala) realized her sisters would be trying to [[Rip and tear|tear]] him apart in anger at taking her place. As he awkwardly deals with the Sororitas raging at him, Saint Celestine rushed back from Ba'al to save him.

===The Lamenters===
21st founding of Marines which is literally 'cursed' i.e they have the worst luck ever to happen to a chapter. Being kicked in the balls by the Minotaurs and power hammered seems to be pretty high on the sucks levels. Even Emps cries for them.

===The <s>Imperial Army</s> <s>[[Imperial Guard]]</s> <s>Astra Militarum</s> WALL of GUNS===
The billions upon billions of baseline human, GIs, squaddies, grunts, footsloggers, meat shields which does the majority of land based warfare. They normally dont grab much of the medias attention as a image of a man sitting in a soggy trench with a torch and cardboard armour whilst super powered beings and aliens march over them isnt that uplifting.
*'''[[Sly Marbo]]''': [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kXU14hkuSI The One-Man Army] and [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCMNWAJiz5Y Hero of the Imperium!], he first appears in the April Fools episode where he was apparently recruited by Horus. Appeared in the real series, saving Little Billy and some farmers from the Kabal of the Flayed Skull in the middle of their raid on a random Agri-World. Later showed up at the invitation of Lucius to the Slaaneshmas Special where he begins beating up Typhus, Ahriman, and Lucius. While the scene turns to static, Lucius and Ahriman later show up on screen again. They commented that he was apparently a pretty great guy. Lucius apparently mixed up his contact info with Kharn's at one point. Later shows up to save Corvus Corax from the Catachan Barking Toad perched on his head. He's stated to be the single most decorated soldier in the entire history of humanity despite only being a Private, and "his aerodynamic musculature and knowledge of Catachan jungle tree buoyancy" help him "simulate flight" (which is apparently interstellar). Confirmed to NOT be a missing Primarch. Exclusively communicates by screaming (and sometimes body gestures, since he bowed slightly to Corax), specifically the one from the Dawn of War I opening cinematic where the sergeant orders the charge up the hill. He also weaponizes the subtitles of the scream by hitting enemies with them both as a ram and as a club.
*'''[[Ollanius Pius]]''': Makes a split-second appearance in [https://youtu.be/0Vh_N8CpcL0?t=900 in Rogal Dorn's flashback] before being headbutted to death by Horus. (''Shame on you if you don't know this super dude, so read his history now!'') In another episode, the Emperor takes the time to set the record straight that while Ollanius did, in fact, sacrifice himself for the Emperor, a Terminator and Custodes quickly followed suit in order to not be shown up by a mere mortal human. He was not amused by their transparent attempt to outshine Ollanius.
*'''[[Ciaphas Cain]]''': Commissar and Hero of the Imperium. He fully understands his entire existence is based on pure luck, lies and cowardice, though unlike his book version whose ability to never seem unnerved or let his lies slip is key to his entire career (and is hardly adverse to its benefits, if not its drawbacks...), here he's humorously morose and loudly gripes about his constant deceptions in private...but finds a kindred spirit in Marneus Calgar to share the pain. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRozBAIbaG4 Has his own merry jingle].
*'''[[Death Korps of Krieg]]''': As of the second voxcast, they can ''finally'' rest assured that the Emperor has personally forgiven them. What the Death Korps will do now that they've officially redeemed themselves remains to be seen, assuming they actually want to do something other than fight and die in battle. ( come on, you know it'll probably take another 2, maybe 3 millennia for the message to reach Krieg, due to, you know, Imperial Bureaucracy )
*'''[[Catachan Jungle Fighters]] (pronounced "Kata-kan")'''(by Straken, confusing everyone): Elaborated on in the first episode of "BRO TRIP 40,000: A Tale of Two Primarchs", being saved from a Slaaneshi Daemon invasion by the intervention of Vulkan and Corvus. Armed primarily only with knives (albeit some of the best knives in the universe due to the special Catachan metals) and basic clothing (shirts optional) in one of the most hazardous places in the universe, their survival and natural Space Marine-like physique provides a massive boost to the morale of the Imperium in a manner known as "marketability". Their culture is similar to that of Orks, measuring knife size to determine rank.
**'''Colonel "Iron Hands" Straken''': Leads the Catachan II regiment and is extremely good at guiding(tongue lashing)his troopers. Sly Marbo is also officially designated to the II regiment.
*'''[[Attilan Rough Riders]]''' Mongolian/Hun/Wide sweeping steppe based cavalry. Very superstitious (they try and kill Vulkan!) and hard to be completely converted by the Ecclesiarchy. As is typical of legendary guard regiments, they are brave and self-sacrificing. They can also pilot aircraft whilst still atop their horses (Some suspect the horses are the real pilots).
**'''Captain Mogul Kamir''': Leads the Attilan regiment who are going with the 'Friendship Force'. Likes drinking from the skulls of his fallen foes (a nod to Pre-Islamic Turk practices).
**'''The King of Khanasan''': Head of the Attilan Rough Riders and fellow skull-goblet enthusiast, to the point of draping his entire outfit in them. Voiced by Alfabusa himself.
**'''Starass''': The sole Astropath of the Attilans, and naturally an actual ass. Apparently, more than adequate enough for the Riders, though her language has no concept of the words "mass planetary destruction."

===Sisters of Battle===
*[[Ephrael Stern]]: The infamous Daemonifuge has finally reached the Black Library, but she's none too pleased with the Eldar's selection of food. [[-4_Str|Treads the path of the swole]]. She tells off Cegorach to his face, causing him to sulk off (incidentally allowing Custodisi and Wamuudes to enter the library). Goes with Magnus to help Eldrad birth Ynead.
*[[Saint Celestine]]: Greatest of the [[Living Saint]]s, always there to protect the Imperium and always reviving if she dies. First appears (in astral projection form) during the Battle at the Gate of Khaine, where she is apparently in on the [[Star Child]]'s plan and spirits away the soul of Dominique, who she describes as having fufuilled his duty to the Emperor. Later appears as the star of the "Salvation Through Annihilation" short, using her holy powers to deep-fry [[Ku'Gath]]. Her jolly mood is soured by the Sororitas present fangirling over her in a disgustingly creepy manner that makes the previously mentioned daemon of Nurgle seem pleasent in comparsion. After warping out, she is instructed by the (oddly drunk-sounding) voice-that-tells-her-to-go-places to head to [[Cadia]]. In the recent Sanguinala special, she was seen rescuing the Blood Angels on their homeworld of Baal, from a attempt by Chaos to end Sanguinala by Be'lakor. The Blood Angels are confused, as the Sanguinor is the one to usually save them. The two had swapped places at his suggestion for her to take a break, resulting in a very uncomfortable situation for the Blood Angels, and...Sanguinor being assaulted by the Sisters of Battle. Refers to the Sanguinor as her ‘stud’ and ‘boy toy’ and thinks of him as a shy sweetheart.
**In a deleted scene from the ''Behemoth'' triology, Celestine would have come down to aid the outnumbered sisters against the Swarmlord... which would have proceeded to kill her [[FAIL|over and over again]] and contribute absolutely nothing. Since the scene was unfunny and made the video way too long, Eliphas cut it out.

===Adeptus Mechanicus===
*'''Reimleiz the Theorist:''' An attendant techpriest whom the Emperor calls "random mechanicus guy". He was originally searching for a motorbike for Rogal Dorn to use, inside Jaghatai Khan's shed. As of the Black Templars podcast, Emps made him an Inquisitor and then commanded him to find out more about the Omega Vault. He was inexplicably on the floor at the time. Is incapable of making any statement without phrasing it as a question and is constantly asking himself trivial questions for no real reason (such as asking if legs are actually vehicles driven by tiny snotlings). Also has a penchant for slapping his cyberdong on toasters, which many mechanicus adepts around the system appear to be visibly fixated upon. As a sidenote he’s basically an avatar for [[https://m.youtube.com/user/remleiz|this YouTube channel]]
*'''Delphan Gruss''': A Magos Explorator (that originally appeared in the 54mm ''Inquisitor'' game) sent to Orior by the [[Adeptus Mechanicus|Admech]] to investigate the presence of an STC. He is very blunt and dismissive when dealing with "fleshbags", and does so while speaking with a German accent. His most remarkable feature, however, is a drill that replaces his right hand, which, predictably, makes him the butt of many [[anime]]-related jokes, much to his dismay.
*'''[[Belisarius Cawl]]''': He hasn't done anything to Gulliman (yet, anyway), but Rogal Dorn apparently did see him talking with Gulliman about something in the past. Apparently, he's not that great at keeping secrets, as there are rumors circulating about him working on [[Primaris Marines|something related to Thunder Warriors]] that even managed to reach the Imperial Palace. The Emperor understandably expects little to come from this (he will be completely surprised), expecting Cawl's work to be hindered by the Mechanicus' usual dogma. Finally shows up in Episode 28, and all the A.I's in his head have naturally made him crazy (As it should, there's a reason that stuff isn't messed with in canon). Either that or that's all of the personalities he's absorbed throughout the millennia talking through him. He acts as the hitman for the Fabricator-General, who blackmails him about not scrapping his Primaris project if he kills the Custodes. Also speaks like the Master from Fallout 1.

===The Inquisition===
After the Horus Heresy, a new proactive 'Intelligence' force was created: merge the KGB, Gestapo, CIA, MI6, Mossad with zealous religious belief and unlimited power and hey presto:
*'''Lord [[Inquisitor]] Fyodor <s>Karamazov</s> Krazypantsoff''': Inquisitor of the [[Ordo Hereticus]] and a colossal jerk even among inquisitors. When the Emperor disbanded the Inquisition, he went ballistic and led an entire crusade to Terra to purge what he thinks is heresy. Ended up in the Warp via Magnus for his troubles, after being trolled in a magnificent manner by being told he is a fragment of the Emperor. This was all [[Just As Planned|the Emperor's plan for sending out the message in the first place]], to lure in all the more destructive Inquisitors to get rid of them. He's not out of the game yet, though, and is determined to return to the Emperor. He has become substantially crazier after Leman Russ' Warp Survival lessons. Completely convinced he's the Emperor and seems to regret what a horrible father "he" was more than Emprah himself.
**'''Star-Fyodperor''': After a huge messy battle at Khaine's gate, Karamazov became the host of the Star Child. So basically he ''is'' the Emperor for real now. Apparently, the Star Child needed to possess someone extremely entitled and hypocritical like big E himself. Thanks to Star Child basically doing all the talking, planning, and overall thinking He now represents the kind, fatherly side of the Emperor that is sorely lacking from his throne-bound counterpart, complete with dad jokes. Unfortunately, this leaves the Fyodperor to being easy to deceive, lacking the ability to distrust that comes from millennia of cynicism and hate. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgVuQ_Fbs5g|Has one of the most noblebright awesome themes ever done for anything born from GeeDubs.]
[[Image:Domi.png|thumb|right|''"KILL THEM ALL, KILL THEM ALL!"'']]
*'''Dominique''': Voiced by Gonzo the Great. The techpriest Lexmechanic on Fyodor's Throne of Judgement. He comically makes fun of Fyodor on several occasions and generally breaks the serious atmosphere that the Lord Inquisitor tries to project. He also has a curious predilection for sandpaper cigarettes and a rapacious drug habit. Died inexplicably during the Inquisition's drunken rampage, most likely due to alcohol poisoning. It is never explained why Fyodor tolerated his nonsense for so long, but as Dominique regularly got away with sass sufficient to warrant a summary execution for a planetary governor, let alone a servitor, and Fyodor is not portrayed as being a particularly stable or calm individual, it's clear *something* was in play keeping Dominique employed and alive.
**Turns out he had a fate-bound duty to mold Fyodor into the Star Child's ideal host, an ill-tempered hypocrite with a god complex. He was allowed to see Fyodor one last time in exchange for that service, then got ferried to the afterlife by [[Saint Celestine]] her-holy-fucking-self to the tune of ten thousand fans weeping manly tears. His carcass is still perched on the Throne of Judgment, but most of the meat has rotted away by now. He's currently interred into a white-and-gold sarcophagus created when Fyodor became the Star Child's host.
[[Image:Mall.png|thumb|right]]
*'''Grand Master Elirush''': A Grey Knight Grand Master, who represents the Inquisition's Ordo Malleus. The most level-headed person in the group, who speaks with a smothered accent that Alfa masks as "waffles" (due to his VA being Eliphas, who is Belgian. If it isn't obvious, that's also the basis for his name). He attempted to avenge his fallen brothers who were killed by Kairos during the battle at Khaine's gate, but mistakenly attributed it to Skarbrand (much to the former's dismay). He was killed after inconveniencing Skarbrand, who despises such things.
[[Image:Here.png|thumb|right]]
*'''Inquisitor Adrielle Quist''': One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor whom you'd recognize if you've ever seen them. A Xeno fetishist, evidence suggests she is actually a tsundere for [[Genestealers]], and only dreams of being held in the strong, manly arms of her [[Extra heresy|Broodlord-kun]]. She appears to be the bad cop of the group with a short temper and a rough, Russian accent. She claims that the letter of disbanding inquisition was written by a genestealer cult under the Emperor's name. While stuck in the warp with Fyodor and the rest, she assaults [[Lord of Change]] Kairos Fateweaver after asking if he's a Genestealer, naturally not caring which of his heads answered "Yes". Even mentioning Genestealers in her presence causes her to fly into a berzerker rage. Later, during the Halloween special, she is apparently able to briefly manifest into realspace, similar to Kaldor Draigo, whenever someone mentions anything about Genestalers. She was last seen during the defense of Khaine's gate while intoxicated, where she mistakes Skarbrand for a Genestealer (further angering Skarbrand as he dislikes misinterpretations) and ascended after being killed by him.
[[Image:Xen.png|thumb|right]]
*'''Inquisitor Donklas''': One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor, who represents the Ordo Hereticus. He appears as an Inquisitor dressed in black and using a bolt pistol with a sight mount (which is exactly from the front cover of [[Dark Heresy]]). Don't let his soft-spoken tone fool you - this guy gets aroused at the thought of executing other people regardless of what they've done. He is in favor of the door-kicking-and-burning-building type of [[Exterminatus]], just like a medieval witch hunter. He is possibly the same Inquisitor as the one in the mask (who snickers arousedly at executing friendlies and wonders where the mask came from). He is so far the only Inquisitor who managed to survive the battle at Khaine's gate, mainly due to "enforcing discipline at the back". He is so far the only one of 3 main inquisitors who has survived up to this point.
*'''Inquisitor Javerticus''': An Ordo Hereticus Inquisitor and the most dedicated and charismatic of them all, and also an awesome singer and swordsman. Sadly, the Grey Knights don't seem to comprehend his awesomely dramatic greatness. Named after the [[Lawful Stupid|obsessive]] Inspector Javert (from Victor Hugo's ''Les Misérables'').
*'''[[Jokaero|Torquemada Coteaz]]''': One of the Inquisitors who joined Fyodor's assault into the Imperial Palace. He shows up after Fyodor's forces was blocked off by a force of loyal Ecclesiarchy priests led by Decius in the palace, but breaches their defenses by throwing a barrel of Jokaero at the defenders. This plan causes Fyodor to lose any respect for him, which solicits a disheveled response from Torquemada, [[Awesome|telling him to get off his Throne of Judgement and tell him to his face or use his multi-melta to do what he's too pathetic to]]. Fyodor backs off and lets him leave. So far he appears to be the only sane Inquisitor, snarling at Fyodor to not execute the Emperor for whatever offense he may pull out of his ass. He's also busy with [[The Lord Inquisitor|making a film]], which is why he didn't stay to see Fyodor's plans go to the Warp.
*'''[[Militarum Tempestus|Tempestus Scions]]''' - A hapless squad of Inquisitorial Stormtroopers comprised of Scions: Grant, Valentine, Matilda, Stuart, and led by Tempestor Cromwell. They constantly bicker between each other due to Stuart's pessimism, Matilda's blind optimism, and Grant's panicky disposition, but is constantly held in-line by Tempestor Cromwell. They're seen during the battle at Khaine's Gate, where they're all surprised that they've somehow survived, despite their [[Taurox]] roadblock being destroyed and the Grey Knights being slaughtered.
**Coincidentally ([[Just as Planned|or not]]), they're all named after Allied [[tank]]s from World War II (probably not, what with their thick English accents, and Matilda's preoccupation with "tankyness.").
*'''Inquisitor Headsmash''': Hangs around on a ship in low orbit waiting for heresy to occur. Has a heavily reinforced Exterminatus button which he gets a LOT of use from - as the name implies, he hits it repeatedly using his head. Has the enviable talent of hearing heresy from orbit. He was about to retire after his 40,000th straight Exterminatus, but due to Draigo, he got sent to Commorragh along with his entourage (which includes a Jokaero and his Exterminatus button). Was the only one in the assembly to resist the fyodperor's psychic persuasion.
*'''Ex-Inquisitor Kryptman''': It's a bit weird that this guy is hanging around since all the other Inquisitors hate him, but whatever. Considered too violent and too hypocritical for the Inquisition, as amazing as that achievement is, he is nonetheless really good at his job; claims he's even able to survive against Eldar mind games by seeing through the truth being disguised as a lie, knowing full well that the humans will assume it's a lie while knowing the Eldar are lying about telling the truth about lying. Also carries a pimpin' cane with a gun in it.
*'''Inquisitor Obiwan Sherlock Clousseau''': Yep, he appears in episode 26 part 2! He's from a more [[Warhammer 40,000: Rogue Trader|'jovial' time of early 40K]].

===General Populace of the Imperium ('Plebs')===
*'''Little Billy''': A running gag character in the series. His appearance is a psychic child who made himself a crude power-armor costume using cardboard boxes, with Alfabusa's grey and blue livery for colors. The gag about him is that Billy is constantly subjected to lethal/traumatizing events, yet still survives to appear again, leading to a joke that he is actually a perpetual. So far he's been: run over by a space marine attack bike, kidnapped and thrown into a Dark Eldar slave pit ''twice'', and implied to have been molested by Lucius after contacting him using a psychic link and suddenly appearing before him, then hunted across the cosmos by Lucius during Slaaneshmas, and hammered in the face by a Deathwatch member before almost getting eaten by Tyranids in [https://youtu.be/mabM64rAd4k?t=25m32s Behemoth]. He's also apparently talked to the High Lords at least once, since the Grand Provost Marshal hallucinates him. To date, the only good thing to happen to him is Sly Marbo rescuing him from the Dark Eldar after some internal deb-'''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA'''-ting.
*'''The citizens of Hive World Purgatory''': Originally appearing in Alfa's Upper Hive games, hive world Purgatory appears a few times in the series proper. Its citizens are extremely idiotic and prone to murdering each other over the slightest suspicion. It's also been the victim of a recent Crotch Rot epidemic, and multiple Genestealer invasions.
*'''The Citizens Of The Imperium''': In special episodes where the Emperor answers mail from citizens of the Imperium (most of which is questions asked by watchers of the series), Loyalist humanity plus an odd Xeno or Chaos entity ask questions of him. These are supposed to be sorted by ''Little Kitten'' and later Magnus as well, but quite a few stupid ones get through to the point that without the aid of the cuddly Centurion, the Emperor's frustration causes Warpstorms which obliterate chunks of the universe.
*'''Detective Bruce Norring''': Appears in the Halloween specials. With most of the Inquisition missing, Bruce is put on the case of chasing down shady heretics on hive world Purgatory, [[Lovecraft|Innsmouth-style]], before unwittingly uncovering a Genestealer cult and nearly made into a genehost - only to get saved by a completely sloshed Inquisitor Quist from the warp.
*'''Hobo Guardsman''': also known as "Hobo-chan." Like Billy, he exists to be traumatized by the grim darkness of the universe. First he becomes an unwilling recipient of Lucius' charity efforts, that being a sandwich made from ''"freshly milked [[daemonette]] [[trap|milk]]"'', then later he gets harassed by the [[Adeptus Arbites]] for adding rat meat to his rations to make them more edible. Fed up with the bullshit, he decides to join Chaos, getting warped away before his planet is destroyed by Exterminatus. He was later seen smashed by Lucius during the Slaaneshmas Special, and then spotted in the Webway with the Ultramarines, and later again spotted in the Imperial Dungeons with the Shadowkeepers; and, on top of fucking that, was seen near the end of Part 1 of Hateful Feud running away as Karamazov was becoming Fyodper. Last seen in the Throne Room, running away as Magnus threw a temper tantrum after being trolled by the Provost Marshal for not reading the rules of Fantasy Roleplay.
*'''Tour Guide''': A guy who gives tours of the Imperial Palace. He gets summoned(dragged) into the throne room and abruptly told by the Emperor to read the names of a bunch of Dark Eldar weapons without any given reason, which he does without hesitation. He may read other lists later. He appears to be some sort of psyker as he could sense Magnus' return before he teleported into the throne room. He is able to bitch-slap Wamuudes to the floor without even looking. Poor guy is also losing his sanity due to all the batshit craziness happening around him.

===Eldar===
After the Eldar Collapse, these Eldar decided that unlimited Lust and Violence wasn't a positive influence to their souls and thus became elfy space-monks, all calm and serene until they decide to fight then its elfy warrior-monks!.
*'''[[Eldrad]] Ulthran:''' Eldar Farseer of Craftworld Ulthwé who is one of the biggest dicks in the Galaxy. Is preparing to do pretty much exactly what he ends up doing in Gathering Storm. Tried to convince Asdrubael Vect to distract the Imperium while he attempts to awaken [[Ynnead]], but to no avail. Apparently, he's already contacted Cypher at least once before and seeks to do the same with "the Machine-man from Mars" (most likely Cawl).
*'''[[Cegorach]]''': The Laughing God, shown guarding the Black Library. He encounters Ahriman trying to enter and forcefully boots him out after a bit of trolling. Cegorach has his own spectral audience that laughs at his jokes, and even a voice that adds '''[BAZINGA.]''' to his punchlines. He is plotting the demise of the [[Flesh Eaters]] for saying his Harlequins are in poor taste. In both meanings of the word. Recently he challenged Magnus to a comedy battle where he made use of horribly outdated memes to win laughs from the Harlequin audience including a Skyrim reference of all things. Had to call it a tie though since Magnus was committing verbal suicide through self-deprecation humor. Also has one of the most badass theme songs in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzWsLaolyLw&ab_channel=StringStorm%E2%80%8C existence] .
*'''[[Isha]]''': Despite being a kidnapping victim initially, Isha is now (due to Stockholm Syndrome) in a “loving” relationship with Nurgle. She Thinks Tzeentch is annoying and hates Slaanesh, mocking the former and encouraging Nurgle to plague the latter, Preferably with something that doesn’t kill her but shuts off her senses.
*'''[[Khaine]]''': Disappointed and annoyed by all the young Gods around him, sounds like an old man beat-down by life. He mostly hangs out in the warp chat and goes to the gym with Khorne.

===Dark Eldar===
The true descendants after the collapse of the Eldar Empire. There are A LOT of Dark Eldar living in their webway city of Commorragh and with access to a ton of lethal weaponry, its impractical to invade their realm without leaving yourself open to other forces’ attacks.
*'''[[Asdrubael Vect]]:''' Dark Eldar leader who is another one of the biggest dicks in the Galaxy. Is completely disinterested if not mildly amused/irritated with Eldrad's plans and his insistence on dragging him in; believing both Eldrad's visions and Ynnead to be utter nonsense unworthy of his time after 10,000 years worth of pessimistic doomsaying. He appears to have plans of his own that seem to involve Leman Russ, Karamazov, and/or Kaldor Draigo, who emerge from the Gate of Khaine just as he finishes his conversation with Eldrad. As it turns out, it involved shocking the Star-Fyodperor (which he was able to deduct almost immediately) with a surprise betrayal that the emotions that emanate almost supercharge Vect and Rakarth. Has a habit of setting up violent, hedonistic parties before gassing all the guests (including all rivals) after he leaves early.
*'''[[Lady Malys]]:''' Vect's bitter ex (don't say that to her face, though) who wants to take over Commorragh because "Vect's a prick." Seems to have been taken over by Cegorach, which is not surprising given real lore had her conduct heart transplant surgery on herself with Cegorach's crystal heart. Also French. [[Magical Realm|Sexily]] so.
*'''[[Archon Tahril]]:''' An Archon who originally appeared in ''[[Dawn of War]]: Soulstorm'' as the leader of the Black Heart Cabal in Kaurava and Vect's former subordinate after the whole raid ended in a failure. He is reluctantly under Malys' employment and passive-aggressively lets her know whenever he has to talk to her. He deals with her personality quirks reluctantly. Is also secretly an agent of the C'tan known as the Deceiver.
*'''[[Urien Rakarth]]:''' The personification of torture, currently under Vect's employ. It's revealed that it was he who visited the Golden Throne that one time, which makes Dorn panic and attempt to re-install the entire palace.

===Adversaries===
*'''[[Abaddon the Despoiler]]''': Has yet to personally appear in the series, but has so far has been contacting various Chaos Champions [[Black Crusade|to attend to their 14th annual party]]. He will ALSO be voiced by the aforementioned Takahata101 (Nappa and [[Hellsing|'''THE CRIMSON FUCKER''']]) of Team Four Star fame.
*'''[[Fulgrim]]''': Has yet to personally appear in the series, but appears to have already joined Abaddon in his plans. He makes his appearance as the person who called Lucius to get him to join Abaddon. Based on the [[Vulkan|current]] [[Corvus Corax|trend]], it wouldn’t be too surprising if he, too, can see Ferrus Manus’s ghost, especially considering he was the one who ''killed him'' and all that.
*'''The Gods of [[Chaos|<s>Chaos</s> <s>Choas</s> <s>Chaos</s> <s>Choas</s> <s>Chaos</s> <s>Choas</s> chaos]]''': The gods here are less chaotic than their canon counterparts. More-or-less they just sit around and talk to each other, the way they did prior to the Emperor showing up and making plans to wreck their collective shit.
**[[Tzeentch]] is a petty schoolyard bully/prankster who also likes to engage in pointlessly overthought pseudo-philosophy. He also plays Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth-Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker, shamelessly abusing an [[Yu-Gi-Oh#Archetype|Empty Jar]] deck made [[WAAC|ALMOST ENTIRELY FROM BANNED CARDS]]. So far, he is the most prominently featured of the Chaos Gods. Tzeentch lurks behind the Gate of Morkai, fucking with the aspirants sent through by Space Wolves priests; if they're to be believed, he's done something involving "wolf tits" at least once, and [[Wat|Emprah only knows how we're supposed to interpret that]]. Despite his behavior he does genuinely care for his son, Magnus.
**[[Slaanesh]] is a hyperactive masochistic camwhore who steals from Khorne and trolls him and others with sexual innuendos. Nobody likes it because it ruins everything.
**[[Khorne]] is the only half-way normal Chaos God (if that term could ever be applied to the Gods), who is often heard screaming at Slaanesh for being a creepy whore. Has a fairly good relationship with Khaine, though, and they work out together at the gym - he never skips leg day, unlike the Emperor. Ironically, despite being the most prominently featured Chaos God in canon, he's made far fewer on-screen appearances than the other Gods.
**[[Nurgle]] is the only one actually doing any scheming. Has a voice that's really hard to understand without subtitles, Probably because of all of the diseases he’s infected with, and is more focused on his waifu Isha than actually doing anything. When he's upset, he known to release extremely potent [[Wikipedia:Tinea cruris|Crotch]] [[Wikipedia:Candidal intertrigo|Rot]] on Hive-Worlds, which is as nasty as it sounds.The emperor was on the receiving end of said crotch rot, as well as an eternally itchy nose, despite not having one.
**[[Malal]] makes several short appearances, conversing with the various gods on Spacebook where he declares he will ruin everyone once he becomes canon again by escaping the "Retconnian" (a dimension where the Squats, Horus' soul, Sanguinnius’ soul and other things that don't exist anymore are banished to) and a second time is shown to exist in a pocket outside canon where he is able to influence things that are canon in subtle ways using the [[Dark Heresy|"Tyrant Star", a wandering sun that gives off black light and incites anarchy, chaos, and mutation on whatever planet it shines on]]. It appears that his obsession to become canon is a harmful one, as Horus and a Squat talk him down from his attempts and console him when he breaks down crying about his futile attempts.
**The [[Great Horned Rat]] appears as a joke to cancel Slaaneshmas forever due to Slaanesh getting demoted in Age of Sigmar and announces "Great Horned Rat Day" as its replacement. Enjoys mocking "non-existent" lesser Chaos Gods and seems to be incapable of not breaking the fourth wall. Coughs near-constantly.
**[[Necoho]]?: Never been seen and hasn't been named, but Magnus has mentioned the existence of a chaos god of unbelief who was created by Emperor's attempts to wipe out all religion. If not for the Horus Heresy, Emperor would have become its champion or avatar. Since atheism is so rare in the galaxy now, it most likely is dead or too weak to be relevant.
*'''[[Lucius the Eternal]]''': Slaanesh's premier champion, who sounds like what would happen if Mickey Mouse turned to Slaanesh and became a drag queen in the process (his first appearance is a direct reference to [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g56q3j8NAcw this]). First shown fucking up some Imperial Guardsmen (in all senses of the word) with his warband, laughing like a maniac all the while. He then got a call from Fulgrim, inviting him and his band to join one of Abaddon's [[Black Crusade|"huge parties"]], which he accepted. His absolutely creepy portrayal in the series is quickly becoming one of the scariest (and most enjoyable) things in the franchise, sorta an impressive achievement. Runs a prank show in his spare time, and posts the results to Spacebook (it is unknown If piccolo has seen said results). Also planned the 'Slaaneshmas' holiday event, which is broadcast to the whole universe to spread goodwill to humans and overall death to xeno species. Lucius makes a great holo vid host.
*'''[[Ahzek Ahriman]]''': Most powerful sorcerer of the [[Thousand Sons]]. Appears in a short scene where he finally gets access to the [[Black Library]], only to be dicked with, and eventually booted out by [[Cegorach]]. Decided to quit trying to get into the Black Library for a while and take a break, but decided against the latter after being summoned by Abaddon for the Black Crusade. Teamed up with Lucius for Slaaneshmas for the shits and giggles. So far appears to the only rational Chaos Space Marine, acting as a snarky straight man to the antics of the others. On a side-note, he [[Old Man Henderson|huffs grimoires of Big Bad Jujus]], which impresses Lucius. He apparently wants to murder the stars as he finds them too bright for his taste. At the end, he gives a speech about how despite the different worldviews, both sides are still humans and offers the Imperium to have one day per year when instead of killing each other, both sides would have a ceasefire and unite to exterminate aliens instead. Imperials were oddly receptive to that idea...
*'''[[Typhus]]''': Chaos Lord of the [[Death Guard]]. Has the voice of Gilbert Gottfried, with a Strong resemblance to the voice of Real life Comedian Norm McDonald, or Gilbert Gottfried, which he uses to read [[Squad Broken|erotic fanfiction]] for Lucius. Like the other chaos champions, he's been summoned by Abaddon for the Black Crusade. Later shows up to the Slaaneshmas Special to talk about his latest book, which is just his own shit smeared on every page.
*'''[[Kharn|Khârn the Betrayer]]''': The most infamous Khornate Berserker in the World Eaters. He has yet to appear directly in the show; Lucius invited him by Vox to the Slaaneshmas special but only received angry grunts in reply, leading Lucius to believe Angron picked up instead. Apparently, Lucius also mixed up his contact info with Sly Marbo at one point.
*'''[[Huron Blackheart]]''': We cannot confirm his appearance in the series proper, but it appears that he is with [[Abaddon]] in the Season 3 intro, perhaps pointing to an alliance of sorts. Why in the all the names of Chaos he is there, only Alfa (or maybe his voice actor) know.
*'''[[Fabius Bile|<strike>Fabius</strike> <strike>FABULOUS Bile</strike> Bob]]''': Joins in on Lucius' and Ahriman's Slaaneshmas special to announce that he's starting a solo Black Crusade to show up that man-baby Abbadon. Is triggered very seriously if called Bob. He's clearly insane, insisting that a solo Black Crusade means doing things on his own, which even Lucius thought was crazy, not helped by Bile following up by boasting he can clone anyone. He showed off an abomination of a clone of Ahriman (which psychically self-destructed) during the Slaaneshmas Special. Naturally, Ahriman was horrified and disgusted and even Lucius was disturbed.
*'''[[Miriael Sabathiel]]''': The infamous Chaos Sororita shows up, only to get dismissed everywhere she goes and not be taken seriously. Upon learning it was Slaaneshmas, she dons a Santa hat and joins the fun. Earlier, she was in a bad mood for being talked down by a captured Inquisitor (before she beheaded him in frustration), lamented the lost opportunity to torment him, and was enraged at some Noise Marines' amusement at her situation.
*'''The [[Tyranid]] Hivemind''': Attempted to hijack the Chaos Gods' warpchat, but was kicked after too many synapses attempted connections. The Emperor claims that talking to the Tyranid Hivemind is like talking to a herd of hungry sheep. Everyone in the wharf is trying to get rid of it because it’s annoying to them. It also sent a psychic message to inquisitor kryptman Showing him its face… Or rather mouth.
*'''[[The Masque]]''': A Slaaneshi Daemonette. First appears in BRO TRIP 40,000: A Tale of Two Primarchs while attacking Catachan, apparently because an ample muscle harvest (shaped into Slaanesh's symbol) would please Slaanesh enough to end her (yes, a canon her) eternal damnation to unending dancing. After Corvus Corax batmans her she flees, due to their artificial muscles being displeasing to Slaanesh and fighting them not being worth potential banishment back to the Warp. Her motives lead her and an army of Daemonettes to the battle for the Gate of Khaine, where she implies some familiarity with Kaldor Drago before trying to bring him down, only to fail spectacularly.
*'''[[Skarbrand]]''': A "renegade" Khornate Bloodthirster; Khorne officially disowned him after he attempted to kill the Chaos God with a strike to the back, but still recognizes his talents. Skarbrand appears in the Warp Hijinks special as a victim of a ding-dong-ditch prank by Leman Russ and Fyodor. He refers to himself exclusively in the third person and, being a Bloodthirster, [[RAGE|hates literally everything]] (it didn't help that all emotions besides anger were throttled out of him by Khorne); when faced with the prospect being outside or inside after being pranked, he actually remains in the doorframe, which he hates '''''slightly''''' less. He later joins the Chaos Undivided daemon horde that assaulted Khaine's gate as it was being opened by the Inquisition's forces, where he further espouses his hatred against everything. Such as named characters, some of whom he fucking murders. Extremely open and vocal about his feelings, funnily enough. {{BLAM|SKARBRAND '''HATES''' MISCONCEPTIONS!}}
*'''[[Kairos Fateweaver]]''': A Tzeentchian Lord of Change. He still has two heads and the second, mottled one will constantly contradict the 'dominant' head while speaking (which Kairos neither seems to address nor notice). First appears during Russ and crew's rampage throughout the Warp, where he tries his usual "Knights and Knaves" shtick on Inquisitor Adrielle Quist - but since she's drunk, not listening and mistakes him for a Genestealer, he gets one of his faces fucked up for his troubles, and holds an eternal grudge against her due to that. Kairos reappears during the battle at Khaine's Gate, where he tries his damnedest to get even with Quist, but had to "settle" for destroying most of the Grey Knights, but his work was mistakenly attributed to Skarbrand, much to his eternal dismay. Funnily enough, he does more damage to Skarbrand than any of the Imperials completely by accident: Kairos' psyker powers hit Skarbrand while he fought Inquisitor Quist, his grudge briefly turning him into a [[Kharn|team-killing fucktard.]] Despite this, considering the rules Kairos follows (in official lore, his heads randomly switch which one lies and which one tells the truth, but one lying means the other must be truthful), that he can tell the future, and that the normally truthful head said "I will have my revenge" (which he didn't) while the normally lying head claimed to love Skarbrand... Kairos actually really does love Skarbrand.
*'''[[Epidemius]]''': A Nurglite Plaguebearer. Fitting for a daemon of Nurgle, he's incredibly polite even under duress, and cares significantly about the loss of his fellow daemons. First appears during Russ and crew's rampage throughout the Warp, where he was pelted into submission with hundreds of bars of soap and a bathtub. He later appears during the battle at Khaine's Gate with a retinue of [[Plaguebearers]], and was enraged when one of them was killed by the Deathwatch. He later commanded a charge against them that ended with most of the Deathwatch being slaughtered, while Wilford and Calato, the only survivors were forced to retreat.
*'''The [[C'tan]]''': The Necron's star gods seem to be wedging their way back into current affairs after being turned into [[Pokemon]] by their servants. Of all of them, only The Deceiver has made an appearance so far, the rest being confined to the paper puppet flashbacks (except when Decius brought up The Nightbringer when he was convincing the Ecclesiarchy that [[The Emperor|Easy-E]] isn't a god).
**[[The Deceiver]], when not playing Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker with the Emperor and pals, seems to be [[Just As Planned|pulling strings]] all around the Materium. Has a special interest in stopping Kaldor Draigo from returning to realspace. Presumably, because he would become the avatar of Matt Ward, the <strike>[[Malal|Fifth]]</strike> Sixth god of Choas, and bring utter ruination to the material realm before the C'tan can bring utter ruination to the material realm.
*'''Clancy''': The traitor menial of an Imperial Cruiser who wants to kill a Primarch, and is obnoxiously polite and civil about the entire affair. His plans fail when Vulkan, Corax and all the other ~~important~~ characters survive the shipwreck he engineered and capture him; his backup plan (Exterminatus from via some "pals" dropping a Virus bomb on Attila from orbit) ends up similarly falling short, though he does escape captivity. He later returns as a high-ranking Boardmember of Jopall's government, and through pulling some strings and making a contract that Corvus signs, entraps the party on the planet through debt. Makes his escape shortly before Corvus bursts in the room leading an army of rebelling Guardsmen.

=== Others ===

*'''[[Horus|FUCKING HORUS]]''': Appears in the April Fool's episode, where he breaks into the Emperor's throne room and incapacitates him. The Emperor declares Horus can't win because he's all alone, but says he isn't as he gathered allies while he was clawing his way out of The Warp, all of whom are some of the dead/retconned/obscure characters in the fluff: [[The Beast]] (an Ork who waged one of the most successful WAAAGH!s in human history), [[Goge Vandire]] (the man responsible for the worst chapter in Imperial history after the Horus Heresy), [[Sindri Myr]], the Megarachnids (a footnote insectoid race in the fluff, who were hunted to extinction by the Astartes in the Great Crusade), the [[Squats]] (we all ''know'' who they are), [[Herman von Strab]] (one of the most inept commanders the Imperium has ever seen, who met his end in the 3rd War of Armageddon), the [[Old Ones]], the Techno-Barbarians of olden Terra, 3ED [[Carnifex|Old One Eye]] and [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kXU14hkuSI SLY MARBOOO!] (*cue explosions*) He subsequently declares himself as the new Emperor. Later appeared for real in the second Q&A in the "Retconnian" with Malal and the Squats, and calms Malal's tantrum like a parent consoling a child.
*'''[[Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka]]''': Currently beating up the Overfiend of Octarius, as in official lore. It's still unknown where Ghazzy's gonna fit into things, though it will likely be to assemble all Orks into a single Great WAAAGH!! Also seems to love making bad jokes.
[[Image:Cyph.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Cypher]]''': He has a very vague, mysterious plot involving the planet Orior and its STCs. This seems to take place not long after the [[Fallen_Angels#Ophidium Gulf Crusade Incident|Ophidium Gulf Crusade Incident]], as the Dark Angels managed to locate him by tracking his ship. He also seems to be skilled at disguise, as he manages to just waltz right into the Thunderhawk behind Azrael without any further comment. He's on his way towards Mars with the Dark Angels. Sicced the Dark Angels on The Fabricator General for a prank video
*'''[[Gork]] and [[Mork]] (or was it Mork and Gork?)''': The two Ork gods. They're a couple of dumbfucks who argue with each other in other people's conversations on Spacebook, with Gork not actually knowing he's using the Interwarp and trying to figure out how to use it while already on it.

[[Image:Text Marines.jpg|thumb|right]]
[[Image:Eliphas.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Felinids]]''': [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUuvHPr4BGk The ultimate let-down.] Possible inspiration for the news Cats film.
*'''[[Necron]]s''': They appear initially in a mini-episode by Karl. Necrons all speak with low-quality Text to Speech devices, except for the Lords who can afford higher quality devices. (Wait, does this mean the Emperor's communicator is technically Xenotech?) Shennanigans ensue when an unnamed Necron Lord discovers that his lowly minions can't pronounce certain things, so now all necrons make roflcopter sounds as their war cries. '''SOI SOI MOTHERFUCKER'''
*'''[[Stormcast Eternals|Ground Marines]]''': Introduced as a short spoof episode after the release of [[Age of Sigmar]], a group of Ultramarines determined to bring their superior selves to the service of [[Sigmar|"other Emperors"]] enter a portal and come out transformed as Stormcast Eternals, their appearance crushing a small group of [[The Empire (Warhammer Fantasy)|Empire]] Flagellants. Text then appeared expressing condolences for [[Warhammer Fantasy]] fans. Although non-canon, it's a jab at Games Workshop's need to crowbar Space Marines everywhere ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-MzNpMD1K8 as the Stormcast Eternals largely resemble the Space Marines]. Heck, their posterboy group even takes after [[Ultramarines|The Greatest Of Them All]] with the blue, white, and gold color scheme).
*'''[[Eliphas The Inheritor]]''': Makes a cameo in the second Q&A episode having sent a letter to the Emperor saying "Dear Corpse Emperor, Furk You." The episode then cuts to him laughing manically thinking he's so clever before the Emperor psychically punches him, promptly shutting him up.

*'''Ahriman 2.0''': [[Fabius Bile]]'s horribly disfigured clone of Ahzek Ahriman which he unveiled in the Slaaneshmas special, much to Lucius and the original Ahriman's horror. Fabius claimed it was a "work-in-progress", something which caused the clone to become so enraged that it psychically self-destructed moments after.
*'''The [[Angry Marines]]''': ''Might'' exist in the TTS-verse, but nobody knows for sure. "Angry Marines" was a popular answer in a poll on which loyalist chapter best embodies the concept of hatred, but nobody in the Imperial Palace knows who this might be referring to, and it was speculated that it may simply be a nickname. Either way, they were beaten by several other chapters, most notably the Black Templars and the [[Marines Malevolent]].
*'''[[Hassan]]''': First appeared in the Chaos Descends series attempting to sell camels to two of the main characters in the middle of nowhere, eventually convincing them to put up flyers for his business as a form of payment. He later appears in the main series, apparently having sold camels to the Ultramarines at some point.

*'''Voldorius''': An unfortunate Daemon Prince which got the attention of the Pillarstodes after reading about him in one of the books they got from the Black Library. They along with the Emperor and Rogal Dorn publicly mock him for being completely ineffective and incompetent to the point of having to rely on his subordinates to do everything for him.
*'''Uriah Olathaire:''' Yes, its the old man that the Emprah had a theological debate during [[The Last Church]]. His soul was summoned from The Warp by The Emperor, who was horrified that he turned into a Chaos worshiper. Ironically he is perfectly sane despite following Chaos. Unlike their first encounter, this time he actually IS a theologian and can shut down the Emperor's rather sophomoric arguments easily. He worships Chaos Undivided and paints them in a more neutral, legitimately non-malevolent light, highlighting how humanity needs Chaos to stay human and how Chaos needs humanity to continue to exist, making it a mutually-beneficial relationship. He originally wanted to justify the existence of Chaos, but due to the Emprah being a dick; he got fed up and instead started calling him on the hypocrisy of his Imperium and his ideals, such as his constant use of religious iconography and terms (despite wanting a secular empire), essentially doing the same thing old terran religions did to propagate their influence (although with a higher death count), among other things. He was eventually banished back into The Warp after dissing the holiness of the taco.
*'''Alfa Legion:''' Some of the creator's 40k self-inserts into 40K appear in Episode 10 after Emps makes an oddly specific remark about how "THERE COULD EVEN BE CHAPTERS CONSORTING AND ACCEPTING BOTH XENOS AND CHAOS WORSHIPPERS INTO THEIR RANKS. MAYBE EVEN CHAPTERS SO FUCKING RECLUSIVE AND HISTORICALLY INEPT THAT THEIR MERE EXISTENCE SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A DISGUSTINGLY HORRIBLE AND SHITTY FANFICTION." Taking the main TTS reaction thread into consideration, '''EMPS WAS ONE OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''' Currently have their souls contained in a box owned by Magnus, while [[Indrick Boreale|Boreale]] and [[Apollo Diomedes|Diomedes]] have become Magnus' idiot pets.
*'''Asterion Moloc:''' [[Minotaurs]] Chapter Master who appears briefly towards the end of the Slaaneshmas special, pwning a Tau with a Chaos Terminator.

==The Order of The Primarchs' Returns==
During the season 3 intro, the silhouettes the miniatures of all the primarchs seems to appear in the order they will first enter the show, as the order roughly corresponds with their actual in-series appearances so far, though this may just be the order of their apearances, not the order in which they return...

* [[Rogal Dorn]] - Around since the beginning of the series, although we don't find out it's Dorn until Episode 20.
* [[Magnus]] - Pops up in Episode 13 after being captured by the Ultrasmurfs.
* [[Vulkan]] - Returns after Cato Sicarius delivers the remaining Lost Artifacts of Vulkan in Episode 20.
* [[Leman Russ]] - Appears in the Warp in Episode 21, after Magnus banished the Inquisitors there in Episode 18.
* [[Corvus Corax]] - Can be heard attempting to get out of a building on Nocturne at the End of Episode 21, and appears in person during Episode 25.
* [[Ferrus Manus]]- Appears as a <s>'brainghost'</s> SKHOST in Vulkan's head when Vulkan returns at the beginning of Episode 20. Vulkan claims in the Bro Trip spinoff that he isn't the real Ferrus.
* [[Lion El'Jonson]] - Not yet featured, but Rogal Dorn might know where he is. Then again, maybe not. This IS The Lion we're talking about after all. Taking current events into consideration, he maybe awakening soon.
* [[Jaghatai Khan]] - Talked about extensively in Episode 24 and the White Scar podcast. The Ultramarines are on the rescue! Appears on a bike in Commorragh in Episode 29.
* [[Angron]] - Hasn't appeared in person, though Lucius mentions he and Kharn may be out on business.
* [[Perturabo]] - Hasn't appeared in person, but was prominently featured in a flashback in Episode 24.
* [[Lorgar]] - given a roasting in Episode 2, but nothing of note since then.
* [[Mortarion]] - A couple of jokes have been made at his expense, but he has yet to appear except in a brief flashback where he fell down the stairs.
* [[Fulgrim]] - Hasn't appeared in person, although he did contact Lucius the Eternal to inform him about Abbadon's 13th Black Crusade.
* [[Alpharius]] & [[Omegon]] - Emps refers to them as if they are one person.
* [[Konrad Curze]] - A few mentions, but it is safe to assume Konrad may not reappear in the current era. Emps briefly flashes back to a decision Konrad made that unwittingly starts off the whole Inquisition tyranny; a small portion of his appearance is seen during this flashback.
* [[Roboute Guilliman]] - No appearances, although occasionally referred to in the form of The Emperor demanding his life support being cut off. Hilarious in hindsight, given the events of Gathering Storm.
* [[Sanguinius]] - appeared in vision form during the Flesh Eater short and was spoken of at the end of the second Q&A, Episode 18.5 (may or may not consider the Sanguinor appearing as his first appearance)
* [[Horus]] - No appearances in the main series, although he has been seen in the April Fools and the second Q&A.
* The two missing Primarchs are asked about once but the emperor simply states "We don't talk about those guys"

==Main Theme Lyrics==
'''WE ARE THE GODS OF THE NEW WORLD ORDER.'''

'''WE ARE THE SOLDIERS, THE LEGION OF LIGHT.'''

'''WE ARE THE CENTER, THE DEATH OF THE SUN (SON).'''

'''FIRE AND FLAME.'''

'''WE ARE ONE.'''

(excerpt credit: Triarii - We Are One)

==Trivia==
* The Emperor's motivation for creating the Human Webway was obtaining [[Love Can Bloom|Eldar prostitutes]], and was afraid the Primarchs would [[Penitent Engine|tie him up]] [[Inquisition|if they heard about it]]. The other benefits were an afterthought.
* The Emperor's nose is plagued by a phantom-itch, courtesy of Nurgle. Tzeentch <s>believes</s> Believed the frustration will cause him to explode, destroying humanity and causing him to become a new Chaos God. He has since realize that the emperor is resigned to this. And as back up gave magnus the suggestion seen below.
* The Emperor firmly believes in Taco Friday, whereas Dorn believes in Taco Tuesday. This disagreement causes a minor civil war (A.K.A. the TTS-Version of the Dornian Heresy). Magnus ups the ante by believing that [[Warp|Taco ''Tuesday'' should be on ''Friday'']].
* The Emperor (officially) did not create any [[Female Space Marines]] because "girls are yucky." It is implied the real reason he didn’t is because Slaanesh ruined the idea.
* The Emperor's left eye was accidentally poked out by Rogal Dorn's iron halo while attaching him to the Golden Throne. However, in older depictions of the Emperor's duel with Horus, it was one of the wounds inflicted upon him (he also broke many bones, burned the Emperor's hair, poisoned him, etc.).
* Some of the Emperor's previous personas included Moses, Michael Jackson, Robert Downey Jr., and [[Chris-Chan]]. All these, especially the latter shows just how much of a troll Big E is.
* The Emperor's shattered psyche can access knowledge of the 4th wall. This is not always available.
* The Emperor approves of the Tau in theory, although in practice only those willing to engage in melee. So basically just the [[Farsight|Farsight Enclaves]].
* In fact, the Emperor is fine with tolerating any xenos that aren't a threat to mankind. Absolute eradication is unnecessary if regulation suffices.
* Despite his intentions for the Imperial Truth involving suffocating the Chaos Gods, the Emperor's attempts at atheism were in fact making [[Necoho|an actual god of disbelief]]... according to Magnus.
* The Emperor can shape the [[Astronomicon]] so that he can flip the bird to the rest of the galaxy.
* Has a known hobby: Plays a children's card game (Yu-Gi-Oh) with a clearly cheesy, overpowered and unfair deck... that, like most [[cheese]], was destroyed as soon as it came across a hard counter. [[Horus Heresy|Apparently Emprah still hasn't learnt the lesson about why using OP stuff is a very bad idea.]] It later turns out that Tzeentch is the only person he can play with. Tzeentch's deck is similarly cheesy, but relies more on combos. Both of them also make heavy use of banned cards and have a rather... loose grasp on the actual rules.
* The Emperor has called for a second Council of Nikea. This one has nothing to do with Magnus; ironically, it's centered on the Space ''Corgis'', and the fact that the [[wikipedia:Woodland Critter Christmas|friendly woodland critters]] of Fenris that the Wolves commune with are actually daemons. We've yet to see Magnus' and Leman Russ' reaction to the news, but it's guaranteed to be hilarious.
* He has also ordered [[Logan Grimnar]] to deliver presents to all the good little boys and girls in the Imperium on Sanguinala.
* While he has a number of colorful insults for his subordinates, including the primarchs, he also has pet names for his sons, such as "my little Magnymagic", "RogalyDonDon", and "my Fabulous Fucking Hawk-Boy".
* The First Founding was originally named the [[Only Founding]], and was renamed after [[Codex Astartes|Guilliman's fuck up]].
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RuE2waTrXKk The Emperor disapproves of the saying "Life is the Emperor's currency"].
* The Emperor's flaming sword sounds like a squeaky toy hammer (at least when he bashed Tzeentch's faces in).
* Magnus identifies with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
* The Emperor believes gold is the greatest color of them all, and that all other colors are equally inferior.
** He likely doesn't consider Platinum to be a true color in that case.
* There is a chance that the popularity of TTS has influenced Warhammer Gaming as a whole. Every big Warhammer game that has come out since TTS has had cutscenes somewhat similar to those of the series, and actual canon for 40k has progressed in a generally similar direction. Some have accused Games Workshop of copying what they like from it, while others say the series inspired GW writers to get off their asses and make something actually new.
** [[Aaron Dembski-Bowden]] is [https://www.reddit.com/r/Warhammer/comments/7igatt/im_aaron_dembskibowden_ask_me_anything/dqykv2l/ confirmed to be "a big fan" of TTS], actually. Ironically, he started watching it after people drew comparisons between Master of Mankind and the series.
** Furthering the influence, Alfa made an entire episode of the TTS cast playing [[Stellaris]] at the behest of that game's devs. It is about as disastrous as expected.
* Reading the book ''Inquisitor'' by [[Ian Watson]] causes disgust and trauma to several of the characters present, in no small part due to [[Jaq Draco]] constantly lusting after his [[Callidus]] assassin disguised as a [[genestealer]], as well as the overly long description of the Slaaneshi planet in the Eye of Terror. Even Boy has horrifying visions in his missing eye after what he's experienced. Karstodes, on the other hand, seems to have confused it with an exceptionally weird ''[[Harry Potter]]'' story in a bout of impressive illiteracy, while Magnus seems to halfway enjoy the reading, even if only to riff off several of the excerpts and provide a contrast to the less-than-enthusiastic approach of the others present.
** Additionally, there are apparently in-universe surviving records of fucking [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stanley_Kubrick Stanley Kubrick] briefly considering adapting Draco as his next movie. This is based on the movie ''A.I. Artificial Intelligence'' coming about partly because of a 90-page treatment written by [[Ian Watson]] under Kubrick's supervision, a fact brought up several times throughout the podcast, along with [http://www.visual-memory.co.uk/amk/doc/0094.html Kubrick seriously considering Inquisition for his next movie]. Interestingly, this makes Kubrick one of the oldest known historical figures in the TTS-verse, although his name has been corrupted over the millennia.
* Ever wondered what Big E and the Primarchs would do if they saw this hilariously bizarre version of their future? Someone named Preator98 on Space Battles does. Hence the 40k fanfiction based on the 40k fanfiction known as [https://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/if-the-emperor-watched-the-text-to-speech-device.408752/ If the Emperor watched the Text To Speech Device] was born! Follow the threadmarks to read the whole thing, and go to the [https://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/if-the-emperor-watched-tts-extras-thread.508247/ Extras Thread] to read more Primach/Emperor reactions to other fanfics such as the [[Alternate Heresy|Roboutian Heresy]].

==Gallery==
===Quotes and snippets===
<gallery>
Image:Text To Heresy.png| If [[/d/]] still existed in 40k you can bet the Emperor would purge it.
Image:NotCanonShout.gif| What happens whenever someone mentions Shadowsun around Kitten.
Image:EmperorSureal.gif| Emp's reaction to most things that have happened to the Imperium.
Image:EmperorDisgraceful.gif| Likewise.
Image:EmperorPunchesTzeentch.gif| The Emperor taking out his frustration on a certain [[Tzeentch|indecisive mollusk]].
Image:MagnusRant.gif| Magnus is not a fan of the Imperium's general intelligence levels.
Image:DeciusHatBoner.gif| What passes for "Religious Ecstasy" in the Ecclesiarchy.
Image:UltraFucknCrying.gif| Calgar's disappointment over the flanderization of the Ultramarines is palpable.
Image:PillarstodesEntrance.gif| [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUhVCoTsBaM| *Cue Awaken.mp3*]
Image:AhrimanEXCUSEME.gif| Ahriman is a very grumpy boss.
Image:SlaaneshPatrol.gif| If you hear EDM outside, don't answer the door. EVER.
Image:HighLordsIllegal.gif| The High Lords in a nutshell.
Image:SuddenlyDaemons.gif| Magnus' original fuckup barely fazed him at the time.
Image:EmperorSpanking.jpg| The Emperor is the ideal father figure.
Image:UltraSmurfingNecrons.gif| Calgar engaging in a little Ultraviolence.
Image:RussWolfWarfare.jpg| Leman Russ' version of the infamous Navy Seal Copypasta.
</gallery>

===Fanart===
<gallery>
Image:NOT CANON.png|Kitten with his TOTALLY NOT CANON girlfriend [[Shadowsun]].
File:Kitten and shadowsun tragic story by khornez.jpg|''Tale as old as time...''
File:KittenCustodesbyAdeptusAdamaris.jpg|Turns out the nickname wasn't an accident.
File:NotCanonbyMagnifical.jpg
File:Luscious lucius prankz gone heretical 2016 by sexual yeti.png
File:TTS Rogal by eightball6219.jpg|When a tech-priest asks for a toaster, you give him a damn toaster!
</gallery>

==External Links==

* [https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLyiDf91_bTEgnBN0jAvzNbqzrlMGID5WA The entire series.]
* [https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/WebAnimation/IfTheEmperorHadATextToSpeechDevice TV Tropes's page, for extra references.]
* [http://if-the-emperor-had-a-texttospeech-device.wikia.com/wiki/If_The_Emperor_Had_a_Text-To-Speech_Device_Wiki And a whole wiki to cover the show, too]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqbQ_oKmflM A remix cover of the ending theme by StringStorm, check his other remixes too.]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzPuK1vib_c Not content with his first remix, StringStorm made a second one.]

[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]]

If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device

2021-03-08T10:53:10Z

2A02:1811:5185:DD00:4437:1569:764C:54A3: /* Imperials (So sorta good guys) */

{{Cleanup}}
{{Spoilers}}
[[File:If-the-emperor.png|500px|right|thumb|]]
{{Topquote|'''The LORD:'''<br>"You've nothing more to say to me? You come but to complain unendingly? Is never aught right to your mind?"<br>'''Mephistopheles:'''<br>"No, Lord! All is still downright bad, I find.|Goethe's Faust, Prologue in Heaven.}}

A Youtube series created by Bruva Alfabusa, the show follows the exploits of [[Emprah]] himself in his quest to bring the Imperium of Man to its former glory, helped by the Captain-General of the [[Adeptus Custodes]] (nicknamed "Little Kitten"[[C'tan|...ha]] by his disrespectful underlings), Magnus the Red (now both ensouled and forgiven), and a hilarious cast of other major 40k characters. The series has become a huge success mostly by poking fun at many of the memes, traditions, and quirks of the 40k universe and the fandom, but also by some very awesome scenes, and, of course, great music. This shit has become so popular that it has its own fanfiction (one of which ended up gaining multiple meta-Fanfictions of its own (Does that make them a fanfic... within a fanfic... within what's essentially the video version of a fanfic?)), and there's even a few quotes from the show scattered through the affected characters' pages here. Seriously.

Most fans agree that, while a wild and very unserious take on the 40k universe, and the episodes are often littered with injokes (to the point of one regarding Magnus's VA taking up an entire special), the plot itself isn't actually that outlandish. If the Emps would wake up, it's pretty much a given that he would remove the worst parts of the Inquisition in short order, as well as enacting extensive reforms throughout the rest of the Imperial bureaucracy, while probably being an ass, as he always was. The unsure part is if the Emps would have learned from his 10,000 years of mistakes, which the series believes he has, deep inside. Doesn't help his [[Rage|temper]] though. Ultimately, the 40k universe in its infancy was also originally very wild, unserious, and full of injokes.

The series began back during the unending plot stagnation that had happened between third and seventh, though now that the plot's actually begun to move forward for a change, the series has seen some events unfold that mirror or reference the ongoing advancement of the official 40k plot.

The so-called "TTS-verse" also includes Karl the Deranged's series [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5enLrHSMuIs Chaos Descends], and Eliphas the Inheritor's [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1cXYan0NQA Behemoth] trilogy. "Specials" are slated for story content that takes place outside the throne room. The show also has an in-character podcast that reviews [[Black Library]] books called ''If The Emperor Had a Podcast.'' As in, they go to the Webway Black Library, and pick up books published by GW's Black Library.

In July 2020, a spin-off of the spin-off series ''Bro-Trip 40,000'' was launched. The series, known as [https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLWK8vQC22MgykekzOVpFanOREYV7cY9pL ''WarHams''], consists of tabletop sessions played in [[Wrath and Glory]] with some of the voice actors and writers of TTS.

==Dramatis Personae==
Starting off with a few characters, the series has evolved to encompass a fuckton of major and minor characters, with their own small arcs and all. It's not quite [[Order of the Stick|OotS]] level, but it's getting there.

===Team Emperor===
[[Image:Pleased Emprah.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Emperor of Mankind]]''': The Emprah, who's now able to verbally communicate with people after Techpriests installed a text-to-speech device on his throne. Do you know how Roboute Guilliman is a 'jerk with a heart of gold'? Well the Emperor is a massive frothing plasteel power ceramite spiked dickbag with tourettes and a heart of gold/platinum alloy <s>studded with diamonds</s> that menaces with spikes of diamond. Is currently planning to rebuild the Imperium after hearing the clusterfuck of stories from his Captain-General caretaker. He also has a pet [[Centurion Squad|Centurion]] (who turns out to be rather an important person of the Primarchial variety), which he finds adorable, while finding [[Dreadknight]]s abominable.

He is a jerk, frequently insulting the Captain-General with little reason other than he can (and because it's funny), and dialogue with Magnus implies he's always been a prick. Nonetheless he is ultimately a sympathetic character who wanted to create a better future for humanity and the comedic outrage he displays at all the bad news he gets is justified given how he frequently hears about costly victories that could have been avoided if the men in charge were less incompetent and how the Imperium has been destroying itself (usually because of the Inquisition).

The Emperor has a new plan for defeating Chaos after the "starve them out by getting rid of religion" plan didn't work, but like before, he refuses to tell anyone what that plan is (although this time around, it's apparently not because he doesn't trust anyone, but because he doesn't want to spoil the surprise. Though it's probably sending the Ultramarines to destroy Chaos). As of certain revelations post-Gathering Storm, he's definitely a lot nicer than canon Emprah. Such as getting incredibly furious when he hears that the Inquisition has been murdering his people, reading Rogal a bedtime story (which, naturally, is a guidebook to being an architect) and such. This Emperor seems to honestly care about each individual human but accepts that his decisions cannot be based on that compassion.

**'''The Star Child''': Spoiler alert on this one, but Emps on Terra isn't the only part of Emps still sticking around. If the foreshadowing is anything to go by, he seems to be the largest non-Throne fragment of the Emperor's soul that contains his compassion and love for mankind. Saved the remainder of the Inquisition and Leman Russ from Skarbrand and is currently hijacking Fyodor's body in order to get back to the Material Realm.

[[Image:Sad Kitten.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''Custodes Captain-General (aka Kitten (Real Name: Captain-General Kittonius etc. etc. etc. (as far as Spacebattle’s concerned)))''': Captain-General of the [[Adeptus Custodes]] and the only <s>Custodes</s> [[Companion|Hetaeron]] who appears to have retained most of his sanity after the near-death of the Emperor (as can be seen in the latest episodes, the rest of the Custodes seem to have maintained some form of balance). He serves as both the Emperor's personal caretaker and assistant, and pretty much the only person he regularly talks to and his main link to the outside world.

Generally, the only person the Emperor trusts and treats like a son, albeit constantly berating him whenever he does something stupid, or because he just feels like it. He also seriously hates [[Tau]]. One episode implies that it is because [[Shadowsun]] spurned him for the Greater Go'''OHISWEARTOFUCK THAT WAS ''NOT'' FUCKING CANON!''' He is named ''Little Kitten'' by his fellow Custodes, for "purring his way so far into their ranks", but his real name is a long seemingly nonsensical word salad supposedly based on his accomplishments...

But given how he's been stuck in the palace for the last ten thousand years said accomplishments include things like "Goldilocks-Sunshine-Graham-Corncob". His frequent emotional outbursts despite the supposed emotionless state of the Custodes is intentional and played for humor. After being forced out of the position of the caretaker by his fellow Custodes, Kitten fell into a depression, to which Magnus ominously is taking advantage of by making Kitten his ally in making the Imperium great again and totally not get back at the old man.

So far all he has done was kill a bunch of Lacrymoles that were impersonating the High Lords of Terra. It has been revealed that his uncanny knowledge of the outside world (considering the hate of knowledge in the Imperium in general) could come from the Black Library itself. Has become a master of [[Paradox poker|Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker]] (which is literally just [[Yu-Gi-Oh]] here), defeating not only the Emperor (because of his refusal to unplug Guilliman) but also Tzeentch of all things. <s>He has recently been turned silver</s> by Tzeentch while playing a children's card game (again) and winning over Magnus the Red’s soul.

As of Episode 27, GLORIOUS GOLDEN ARMOR RESTS UPON HIS BREAST ONCE AGAIN, albeit with a bit of silver. In episode 25, the duo arrived on Nocturne and went to 'borrow' the Engine of Woes. At this point, Magnus accidentally kills Vulkan with the engine, which releases Corvus Corax, who was in there the whole time. The Salamanders and Corvus quickly became hostile to Magnus, however, so he teleported himself and Kitten away. He later gets lost in the warp, encounters Crotalids, and plays COD with Apollo Diomedes and Indrick Boreale.

He's now on Mars in order to find and retrieve the Proteus Protocol, a mythical technology that can supposedly bring back Big E, with a retinue of Custodes (including the most FABULOUS dreadnaught in the entire Imperium). Sadly did not appear in Special 6, when the gang played <s>Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay</s> D&D. He and his Custodes henchmen defeat the Fabricator-General in a song-battle and learn the location of the Proteus Protocol in Ep. 28, before his underlings finally accept him and let him know that being cuddly and kindhearted is exactly what the Custodes and the Imperium need in the 42nd millennium (after all, the Imperium has enough warriors. What it really needs is a DADDY).

**Is most likely ''not'' Constantin Valdor or Trajann Valoris, given the latter didn't exist when the series was first made and the former's fate is unknown in the canon. The entire point of the running gag regarding his name is likely to distance himself from any of the canon Captain-Generals. However, it is worth noting that the armor he starts wearing as of EP27 is directly based on Valoris' miniature, though with silver parts thanks to Tzeentch's sorcery, and with the feather on his armor replaced with one of Magnus' instead.
**Episode 28 puts the matter to rest: He is NOT Constantin Valdor or Trajann Valoris. However, according to official GW canon, a Centurion named Longinus was the one who took St. Alicia Dominica and her bodyguards into the Sanctum Imperialis during the Age of Apostasy- something Kitten also did in Ep. 3 or of the same name. It stands to reason that Kitten is Longinus, then.

*'''[[Magnus the Red]]''': The closest thing to a sane person besides the Captain-General (who plays the straight man depending on the situation), and occasionally plays "devil's advocate" as a result. He was retrieved from wherever within the Warp by the sheer plot-armor-powered efforts of [[Cato Sicarius]] and then brought to the Golden Throne, followed by the Emperor bullying [[Tzeentch]] in order to steal back Magnus' soul.

Touched, he somehow managed to forgive the Emperor (sort of) and decided to help the Emps with his plan to fix the Imperium, but Emps being a jerk to him is starting to test his patience. The shiny new bike he was given helped with their reconciliation... buuuut, Emprah being Emprah, it didn't take long enough to start insulting and mocking Magnus back and forth constantly. (Nice Dad skills, really). He may not be actively working for Chaos anymore, but he also quickly runs out of patience with his father and is attempting to fix the Imperium without his help, partly because he has serious doubts about his current sanity (which is kind of justified), and partly just to spite him.

Fortunately, as a Primarch and a particularly knowledgeable one at that, Magnus can probably get it done just fine on his own. Magnus turns into a [[neckbeard]]ed daemon cyclops [http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/mediawiki/images/9/9a/MagnusEpic.jpg that is a bit reminiscent of his] old [[Epic]] model, whenever he enters [[rage]] mode - usually prompted by any mention of [[furries|Space Wolves]], causing him to flashback to the Burning of [[Prospero]]. He's currently undertaking some obscure schemes with the unwitting aid of the Captain-General Kitten, including the attempted assassination of the [[High Lords of Terra]] and "borrowing" the Engine of Woes from Nocturne.

While playing with an ouija board on board a ship with Kitten, Tzeentch arrives to "reclaim" custody of him from his "abusive" father and morphs him back into his Daemon Prince form. It took Kitten playing a child's card game (again) with Tzeentch to keep Magnus out of his clutches. On the other hand, Magnus is stuck in his Daemon Prince form while Kitten theoretically owns his soul (much to his embarrassment and dismay). In episode 25, the <s>couple</s>'''Partners*''' arrived on Nocturne and went to 'borrow' the Engine of Woes. Magnus decides to sneak into the base instead of using his OP invisibility though after a bit of poking at Kitten (it involves Tau, guaranteed to piss him off) then decides to go yell in a North England accent at a guard.

The Engine of Woes, a green hatchback car (<s>the infamous Fiat Multipla</s> a Smart Fortwo) then released Corvus Corvax after Magnus killed Vulkan for hugging him, prompting the entire chapter of the Salamanders to pop up and become very hostile with Magnus (which basically equates to ''purposefully'' hugging you so hard your spine snaps, instead of accidentally doing so). Corax isn't happy either, as he was released from his super dark hole after thousands of years, which forces Magnus to teleport himself and Kitten away.

Vulkan suddenly super healed himself again and wants to hunt/hug Magnus. Later, when Kitten chooses his <s>army list</s> delegation for the trip to Mars, Magnus seems to embrace his inner neckbeard in a different way. After Kitten went on his trip, he met the Emperor to inform him about their return, and as predicted earlier, he was bombarded with chicken jokes instantly. Surprisingly enough, Dorn was the one who complimented him on his new visage. Dawwww... [[Extra Heresy|Magnus controversially thinks Taco Tuesdays should be held on Fridays While still being called Taco Tuesdays.]]

Currently perusing the Black Library for any mention of Cypher. <s>This means we’ll probably see him next around episode 50 as he’ll inevitably get sidetracked and read every book in the Black Library in his incessant thirst for knowledge.</s> Nevermind, [[Cegorach]] showed up to stop them from doing anything and instead challenged Magnus to a comedy battle in front of a Harlequin Troupe. This went about as well as one would expect, with Magnus' dry, cynical sense of 'humor' being beaten out by Cegorach's somehow even more horrid sense of 'humor' involving copious amounts of dead memes that would probably result in Cegorach's immediate strike from a banhammer would he be on /tg/. Magnus nearly commits unintentional suicide though due to using way too much self-deprecative humor (as such comedy causes people's souls to die and wither away and since Magnus is a Warp projection this nearly kills him, like dead dead. But Cegorach calls the battle a draw after some convincing and deal-making with the Fabulous Custode and sends him to help [[Eldrad]] awaken [[Ynnead]] instead...

**Magnus is quite fond of tabletop games and created a decent character, Magnar Buckethead, for an upcoming game with the rest of the delegation, spending a week writing his backstory. But since only he and the Grand Provost Marshal read the rules, he had to be GM. Then he used Buckethead as a starting NPC that gave a first quest for the characters of his comrades, only to get brutally killed afterwards due to horrible decisions.

Seeing his character [[your_dudes|on whos creation he spent so much effort]] getting [[Khorne|Bled]], [[Tzeentch|Backstabbed]], [[Nurgle|Being thrown shit at (literally)]] and [[Slaanesh|Mutilated]] naturally enraged him. Compounded with all the rest of the rail-breaking the party committed on his eloquently-crafted plot, he spent the rest of the campaign he trying to get other characters killed in various ways and failing.

*<s>'''[[Rogal Dorn]]'''</s> '''Lord Ador(n)able:''' Primarch of the [[Imperial Fists]]. Is revealed as the Emperor's personal Centurion, with whom he had nightly cuddling sessions prior to his reveal. He came out of hiding after Kitten brought up the topic of discussing the [[Space Wolves]], where he vehemently suggested not to discuss the Wolves to prevent Magnus from spazzing out. His extreme bluntness is shown to be less because he is an asshole and more because he is extremely oblivious and literal-minded and his stubbornness, a trait ingrained also in his legion, grants him such a closed-minded view and lack of understanding of social situations that he almost always fails to read sub-texts or commonly understood jokes/innuendos.

Then again, given at one point he drops his stoic facade to chuckle at the Emperor being hypocritical about skeleton worship (while claiming his favorite humor is actually the analysis of reality, e.g. "Slapping your hands together to make noise is a strange way of expressing praise"), he could just be trolling everyone by acting the laconic fool in response to "fool-proof" metaphors. Additionally, in episode 24 it is greatly implied he is fully aware of everything going on, including the Emperor's plans, implying he has some form of "super-sanity". Or maybe it's due to using a fucking chainsword to scratch his head.

Before his disappearance, he used to consult his "magic pain glove" until his hand fell off. Despite his eccentricities and his probable inability to understand sarcasm, he can still make surprisingly lucid observations such as that the End Times are coming and that not even the Chaos Gods will survive the inevitable heat death of the entire universe. He even manages to, perhaps unwittingly, [https://youtu.be/ihskUz0obzY?t=390 deliver one of the sickest burns yet on the Emperor], leaving him speechless.

Actually, nearly every line he spouts is full of unintentional hilarity. Is fully capable of "The Laughter". Also believes fully that the "Taco Tuesday" is the true path, and disbelieves that "Taco Friday" is a thing, accusing his father of being a liar for implementing such a belief, making Rogal start the "[http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/heresy/thedornianheresy.pdf Dornian Heresy]", end of the taco Friday, and possibly the end of Emps---{{BLAM}} Very protective of Boy, to the point of actually becoming emotional at the prospect of him being traumatized, and also willing to risk a fortified window or two in order to chuck the Pillar-stodes from them should they keep threatening the child.

As of Episode 12, most major characters "bend" while they are moving, as opposed to them just moving statically like in earlier episodes. Dorn is the only major character who does not do this. Makes sense, knowing the guy.

*'''Boy''': A young serf boy who operates the voxcaster during the Emperor's podcasts and sort of tagalong kid. He has another name, but because he was too slow in saying it, The Emperor decreed that his name is "Boy". Originally incredibly meek and timid due to serving Big E himself, he has recurrent bouts of hyperventilation and anxiety, he later starts to grow a spine and become more self-confident while also becoming physically stronger due the need of walking from his hab-block to the Inner Sanctum while skipping through the throngs of pilgrims at the Palace, avoiding deadly booby-traps and scaling the stairs to the Throneroom.

Apart from operating the vox caster, his other role is representing the knowledge of the average Imperial citizen, which is unsurprisingly abysmal due the lack of education (or in the case of some people, the need to make up for comprehensive education). Has become more intelligent due to Dorn (who had quickly grown fond of him) tutoring him to the point of summarizing the Black Templars in their entirety based on vague information and pointing out chapter flaws AND possibly [[Chapter Master (game)|immense numbers of Chaplains and Apothecaries of which even the High-Marshal apparently was not aware off]], [[Administratum|nor the Emperor & company noticed]]. Is friends with Billy, and in the process of bonding with Magnus the Red of all people due being similarly one-eyed and capable to see horrific warp phenomena (though he has since had a cybernetic replacement installed in the socket).

Additionally, he wishes to be an Astartes, and due to the fact that there's a Chapter of them who keeps their Star-Fortress Monastery parked in orbit most of the time with their [[Rogal Dorn|Primarch]] being basically his adoptive father, it isn't that far fetched. He managed to get the only surviving [[Warhammer_40,000/Tactics/Talons_of_the_Emperor_(30k)#HQ|Tribune]] to dawww at his child-like wonder, and told the Shield-Captain to [[Imperial Guard|"Eat the death-porridge, sir!"]]

Also he kicked and beat his Overseer to death for being demeaning to him and threatening to murder his entire family and all his associates; because said Overseer simply couldn't imagine a mere novice would be allowed in the Emperor's presence and believed he was outrageously lying and blaspheming. In the process though, he had his eardrums blown out by the Overseer's Ass-Hailer security guard (and here too got cybernetic replacements afterwards). It appears he lived in a district close to an outpost of the [[Skaven|"underground rattie imperigum"]], hinting the Great Horned Rat and the Skaven may have truly managed to invade the 40k reality, probably thanks to the use of transdimensional Gnawholes gone awry. He (and presumably his family) now live in the Sanctum.

He quickly became a mascot for the populace of the Empire as a whole and as of Episode 29 has officially become a character in the primary series.

===Imperials (So sorta good guys)===
[[Image:Pillar-Stodes.png|thumb|right|From right to left: Wamuudes, Custodisi, and Karstodes.]]
*'''The Pillar-stodes (Wamuudes, Custodisi, and Karstodes)''': Some of the Emperor's personal companions from the Great Crusade days, and the current Tribunes of the Adeptus Custodes. As far as the main TTS-Reaction thread's concerned, their real names are Karius Dolman, Disistan Flavius, and Whamusus Balik.After his interment into the Golden Throne, the rest of the Custodes have shed their armor as a sign of mourning.

This, however, has also caused them to become fabulous hedonists, which greatly disturbs the Emperor. Not only do they somehow not take it to a Slaaneshi-tier extreme, they actually despise Slaaneshi daemons the most, much to the Emperor's confusion. They also have no respect for their Captain General and don't even seem to remember that he's their superior, actually [[Just As Planned|taking away his job as the emperor's caretaker by doing something for him]]. They constantly slip innuendos into their conversations, much to the discomfort of everyone involved, except for Rogal (who is too literal-minded to notice).

A running gag with them is that whenever the Pillarstodes come into a scene, they would dynamically jump in from nowhere with their own [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUhVCoTsBaM personal theme song], and also make obscure Jojo references at times. The three Pillarstodes' appearances are based on the Pillar Men from [[JoJo's Bizarre Adventure]]: Battle Tendency; a group of fabulously well-built, half-naked Aztec vampire demigods seeking immortality. They do have discernible personalities, though;
**Waamudes is a spotlight-hogger who is desperate for the Emperor's attention, which makes him act like a yes-man and threaten anyone who dares even hint at disagreeing with Big.E with violence.
**Karstodes is the one making all the innuendoes, double-entendres and sees lewdness in all things. He's so good at oiling and greasing his fabulous body he's transcended friction (for the most part).
**Custodisi is at first sight the most sane of the three, having no qualms with plainly telling the Emperor he doesn't know something, or even daring voice dissent. Turns out he's... unhealthily... obsessed with Primarchs, however.

Two (Custodisi and Wamuudes) wind up encountering Cegorach in front of the Black Library. They manage to gain entrance and retrieve a surprising amount of literature on the White Scars, but are traumatized by the Laughing God & are mentally exhausted from sifting through so much knowledge. Apparently, Cegorach was quite scary, as they are terrified after hearing his "[BAZINGA]" cue; although it may simply be a reference to that one time when two Harlequins managed to enter the Imperial Palace and slaughtered a shit load of Custodes while claiming to have come in peace and simply want to deliver a message to the Emperor (and the best is that [[Heresy|one of them was saved by the Inquisition]] [[Extra Heresy|in the name of inter-species friendship]], in spite of the Captain-General being hell-bent on killing both), so it is actually no surprise at all that some Custodes have got massive traumas.

Recently, after the trip to the Black Library, Custodisi and Wamuudes have been semi-corrupted and began spouting Khornate speech and wishing to genocide the normies in the anger intervention against Helbrecht, high marshal of the [[Black Templars]]. (Actually, back in 2nd edition where you could play <s>Chaos</s>{{BLAM|'''REDACTED'''}} bands in an RPG fashion style, there was a tiny possibility for your lord of Choas to be a Custodes! So, <s>Chaos</s>{{BLAM|'''REDACTED'''}} Custodes are (were) canon... and compared to modern Geedubs, this show relies quite a lot on old [[fluff]]). Recently, Custodisi has been theorized to have been Horus’d by Emps after he mentioned the sheer concept of “wincest” within metaphysical earshot of '''YA BOI'''.

He later appeared in the 6th special, apparently having been transported to the WARHAMMER Fantasy world, where he encountered the main cast playing at game of Fantasy Roleplay and killed a bunch of their characters. Interestingly, Custodisi lost an arm in this fight, just as ACDC/Elsidisi, the character he's based on, lost an arm fighting Joseph in Battle tendency. Custodisi has since "returned from hell" with a few trophies, a prosthetic arm, and a more humble attitude. Due to his good luck at being voiced by the series creator, Wamuudes leads the voxcasts, as well as having a set of vox logs of his own.

Meanwhile, whilst Custodisi and Waamudes had their heretical swings, Karstodes seems to have been on a path to improvement which culminated in ep. 28 when he recognized how unfair he had been to the captain general and resigned as caretaker. The Emperor was genuinely surprised and impressed by the Custodian's sudden insight, and praised Karstodes for having reached that conclusion of his own volition. Envigorated, Karstodes pledged to the Emperor to continue on his path of self improvement. He has a love-hate relationship with Boy, as Karstodes childishly competes for the Emperor's attention every second he is on screen.

This becomes even more intense when it's revealed that although frequently mocking Boy for his ignorance, Karstodes cannot read.

*'''Diavolodes''': Another crazy Jojo-Custodes (this one is based on Diavolo from part 5), he appeared out of the blue and asked Kitten and Magnus if they knew who he was, and was content to hear that they didn't. Once alone, he started to laugh maniacally, declaring that soon the new Emperor would be him, Diavodes! Also [[Alpha Legion|may or may not]] be [[Alpharius|a familiar face]] in disguise. He appears about 11 minutes into episode 22, and may have tagged along with Kitten's Mars expedition under the name Lrak (Nude-stodes figure appears during the pan out before Magnus sends them to Mars saying something about "Wanting to play among the Dunes"). Has a strange obsession with piss.

*'''Mars Delegation''': As part of the Captain General's mission to secure some choice intel from the Fabricator-General, he decided to grab a few particular allies from the various shield hosts.
**'''Hammurabi Unferth''': Shield Captain from the Emissaries Imperiatus. Apparently, the entire host is skilled in being passive-aggressive with the guilt trip, and he's the best at it. During the mars trip he is shown to be also pretty good at direct intimidation when needed and that he is a staunch supporter of kitten.
**'''Lockwarden of the Shadowkeepers''': The Shadowkeepers are the shield host specialized in guarding the vaults of Terra and the abominations within, one of which is an archaeotech monstrosity formed from a Singing Billy Bass. The Lockwarden seems to end all his sentences with shades emotes and has a...peculiar manner of speech. <s>He seems to have helped Kitten deal with his break up with Shado</s>'''NOT FUCKING CANON''' <s>and still gives him advice on the ma</s>'''NO NO NO'''. Love is a strange thing, dude B)
**'''Santodes''': Yep, you guessed it, a fourth Pillar-stodes, referencing Santana from JoJo, and voiced by none other than Curtis "'''Takahata101'''" Arnott himself. Santodes is a FULLY CLOTHED blue Contemptor-Achillus Dreadnought with a fabulous head of golden hair and a fascination for his frame that's on tier with his living counterparts. Santodes had previously been identified as the Custodes who threw himself in front of the Emperor (stripped down to his loin-cloth, no less) to try to upstage Ollanius Pius' sacrifice. He was put up to it by none other than Kitten, who has sheer passive-aggressiveness dripping off of him every moment Santodes is on screen. Hes also very seductive to Skitarii who find him very attractive (being 99.9% machine of the highest quality)

[[Image:High Lords Text.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''The [[High Lords of Terra]]''': The people responsible for running the Imperium itself. Despite this the majority of the High Lords never really discuss or do anything to the betterment of the Imperium and just act senile, usually discussing about subjects relating to defecation and its products, and once even planning to outlaw breathing for everyone but them. For this reason, Magnus wants them all dead and handle governing the Imperium directly, but Kitten may have succeeded in convincing them not to fuck over the Imperium so much.

Apparently, the High Lords are commonly recruited from the Old Folks' planet, a retirement home so terrible that the High Lords have banned ever saying its name. There are currently 5 (technically 7 if you count the Head Scribe and Fyodor) High Lords featured, aside from the Captain-General. The High Lords are currently enjoying their time off/wallowing in misery thanks to the fact that the Emperor has pretty much made them obsolete, especially after he made making new laws illegal.
[[Image:High Lords 2.jpg|thumb|right]]
:*'''[[Ecclesiarchy|<s>Ecclesiarch</s> Mancclesiarch]] Decius XXIII''': The only non-senile High Lord (so far, there's still more we haven't seen) aside from the Captain-General, who legitimately takes his post seriously, even standing up to Fyodor and forbidding him to shed a single drop of blood from Terra's population ([[rules lawyer|which Fyodor circumvented by using incendiary weaponry]]).

For not screwing up the Emperor's plan, not being an overzealous bag of insanity, and rushing to try to save the Emperor when Fyodor stormed Terra's Palace he is allowed to stay leader of the Ecclesiarchy, even as the Emps is disbanding it/just changing every mention of '''God'''-Emperor to '''Man'''-Emperor, due to the fact that he and those who obeyed Emprah now are in charge of reforming the Imperium from the craphole it has sunk in. [[Space Marines|Loyalty to the man rather than the word]] finally paid off.

Just about everyone mocks him for his hat, which gets limp or...stiff depending on his emotional state, leading to his nickname of Pope Shafthat XXIII [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pq-6aj9sNvo He proved that despite the crap others give him, he can make some pretty rousing speeches on the fly]. The Emperor is honestly pleased that Decius is genuinely loyal. When told by the Emperor that Emps is not a god, Decius is disappointed, but does not hesitate to accept it because his loyalty is strong enough that if the Emperor says he is not a god, then he is not a god.

He also was ready to do his best to disband the Ministorum despite knowing what the priesthood would do to him for such "heresy" because the Emperor said to. Ultimately, his genuine loyalty is heavily rewarded by the Emperor. It probably also helps that the Emperor doesn't force Decius or the Ecclesiarchy to stop worshipping him altogether, just as a God, instead allowing them to worship him as [[Humanity Fuck Yeah|the pinnacle of humanity and what everyone should aspire to]]. After all, he may not be a god, be he's still fucking awesome.
:*'''Fabricator-General of Mars''': The head of the Adeptus Mechanicus. Is so old that his voice stutters every time he speaks like a broken version of Stephen Hawking in addition to always speaking in little tunes. Constantly does nothing but insult his fellow High Lords for being made of flesh and recommend they swap out their fleshy bits for mechanical augmentations. According to other Magos, the Fabricator-General is also a massive junkie (literally as well as figuratively; his true form fills a room) and party animal and at the end of Episode 28, after being confronted by Dark Angels looking for Cypher, Asmodai <s>made him repent</s> MURDERED HIM VIOLENTLY.

He has recently been revealed to be utilizing the Proteus Protocol to survive repeated explosions and orders Cawl to liquidate the Custodes questing to retrieve the protocol. Gets hit very hard on the head by a Dark Angel Crozius Arcanum after suspected of knowing about the Fallen.
:*'''Grand Provost Marshal''': Head of the Adeptus Arbites, who does nothing but propose to make everything illegal. [[Judge Dredd|HE IS THE LAW]]... at least until The Emperor declares the act of making new laws to be illegal, something which utterly devastates him. This makes him surprisingly adept at tabletop roleplaying games as he read the rules and understood them even better than Magnus did.
:*'''Master of the Administratum''': The head of the Imperial bureaucracy. A bit less inept than the rest of the High Lords, he acts like your everyday senile grandfather.
:*'''Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard''': The leader of the Imperial Guard. Doesn't do much, apart from comparing war to the good ol' days. Aware enough to know that the removal of minor luxuries (laxatives, breathing) may have detrimental effects on the Imperial Guard. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUrhqCkYwps Lays a sicknasty dilarius biznasty beat.][https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wo5ro1nWsPU And has the bling to match.]

----

===The Ultrasmurfs===
Very obnoxious and accompanied by the Ultramarine Chant from Chaos Gate. They apparently cannot be defeated due to their literal use of the "holy Codex" from their "Spiritual Liege." Managing to do nigh impossible feats. While the Emperor is not amused with them at all, he tolerates their OP plot armor to do impossible tasks for him such as retrieving Magnus from the Eye of Terror (with their Gellar Field turned ''off'', of all things) with minimal casualties, finding and sneaking the rest of Vulkan's artifacts onto Nocturne, and (currently) outdancing the best Harlequin dancers in the Webway while searching for Jaghatai Khan. Other impossible tasks in the past include using a giant Necron Pylon as a melee weapon, outfighting a Transcendent C'tan shard and killing a Phantom Titan by punching it in the foot.
*'''[[Marneus Calgar]]''': Chapter Master of the Ultramarines. He's currently depressed and frustrated at the state of the Ultramarines where they basically win everything (due to their plot armor) as well as their strict adherence to the Codex Astartes to the point that it's no longer fun, nor satisfying, to win anymore. Due to this, his mood is eternally grumpy, only made worse by Sicarius' constant gloating. He actually seems to care deeply for the men under his command as he gets extremely pissed off when Sicarius put his marines at unnecessary risk to achieve another victory to inflate his reputation, so one could assume Sicarius is the exception. He also appears in a flashback during the second [[Tyranid]] war in Ultramar, where he did battle with the Swarmlord. [https://youtu.be/cB79pnU2f2I?t=5m30s While he put up a valiant fight, he found that they were equally matched, and thus, declared it a draw.] (also, that whole gag is a clear reference to a Monty Python movie about King Arthur, just search up “Monty Python black knight scene”) Blatant hints point towards a deal he made with [[Matt Ward|something]] to give his Chapter more victories (hinted to have begun during the Second Tyrannic War), which he deeply regrets. Best buds with [[Ciaphas Cain]]
*'''[[Illiyan Nastase]]''': Chief Astropath of the Ultramarines. He received a brief mention during Episode 25, when he delivered a message to the Ultramarines Chapter Master, but did not receive any screentime. Marneus Calgar is deeply resentful of Illiyan's existence, and very adamantly insists on pushing him out of the spotlight and removing all mentions of the half-Eldar's existence. Because yes, Half-eldar serving the Ultramarines are canon. (Seriously, why does everyone forget Nastase was never a marine to begin with?)
*'''<s>[[Cato Sicarius]]</s> Cunto Shitarius''': Current Captain of the Ultramarines 2nd company. Rather than an exaggeration of the canon Cato (who is a perfectly normal, bland Ultramarine) he's the physical embodiment of /tg/'s hatred of [[Matt Ward]]: a massive glory hound layered in plot armor, turned up to eleven, where he only cares for his advancement in the ranks of the Ultramarines and not much else. He apparently undertook the mission to capture Magnus the Red. Alone. Without his gellar field turned on, and his survival at such mission greatly pissed off Calgar to no ends (and someone on Spacebattles wrote a thread where he even pisses off Guilliman), who was hoping he would die. He is also very verbal about his intention to take the position of Chapter Master, which ''greatly'' upsets, or rather, very pisses off, Calgar (as Cato's dialogues largely implies that he's better than him and wishes for his death), to the point where he threatens to perform an [[Imperial Fists|"Imperial Fisting"]] upon Sicarius with his Gauntlets if he continues such thoughts. He also has a very egotistical, effeminate voice that can only be described as "the incredibly sanctimonious love child of tinnitus and a jackhammer", and he always refers to himself in the third person. [https://youtu.be/bM8YGsAmeqE?t=1m56s It's goddamn hilarious.]
*'''[[Uriel Ventris]]''': Current Captain of the Ultramarines 4th company. He doesn't have a lot of development yet, but appears as a close friend of Calgar and is the only one who's noticed the Ultramarines' theme of somehow always completing utterly suicidal missions. He comes to realize that some unknown force is tampering with space and time to rewrite history,([https://youtu.be/eG82ruvH0jc?t=120 Probably has to do with an ''itsy bitsy little'' '''SHARD''']) covering up the Ultramarines past failures and playing up their successes to impossible levels, and starts to suspect that Calgar knows more about this than he's letting on. He also loves to talk about the unique green trim in his armor. He ALSO hates Cunto Shitarius. Who doesn't?
*'''[[Roboute Guilliman]]''': The Emperor has regularly made a point of ordering the Custodes Captain-General to have him taken off life-support. Currently, the only reason he's still on it is Kitten winning an epic duel in a [[Yu-Gi-Oh|children's card game]] against the Emperor. The result of his actions and the Codex Astartes horrifies his father. Going by the previous canon of Guilliman perhaps actually regenerating from the wounds that supposedly killed him, the Empra likely wants the time stasis field deactivated so he can finally get off his fucking ass. Though if we're going by official canon, it seems that the Emprah's intervention is no longer necessary. Amusingly, canon Guilliman's reaction to the Imperium upon being woken up isn't ostensibly that different to TTSD Emperor's (minus the swearing, bullying, and psychic temper tantrums). This is also supported in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-Qt3SXfYf8 recent TTS-related content, when he was interrogated by Cyberdong the Techpriest].

===Team Friendly Crusade of Friendly Friendship===
*'''[[Ferrus Manus]]:''' Primarch of the [[Iron Hands]]. Due to him being dead, he only appears as a ghost. Strangely, only Vulkan and Corax are able to see and hear him, leading other people like Magnus to think that his brothers have gone insane (probably because they were at Isstvan V and watched him die). He does nothing but tells Vulkan and Corax that they [[Adeptus Mechanicus|(and flesh)]] are weak. As for the latter "-is weak" statement, Vulkan bonks Brain-ghost Ferrus on the head saying "the real Ferrus Manus would say the opposite, ya' dumb ghostface idiot" which raises some questions about if it really is Ferrus' ghost. Only his head is visible, leading to Vulkan calling him a skull-ghost, a "Skost" if you will.

====Salamanders====
The Salamanders are a bunch of pyromaniacs in Cataphractii Terminator armor, infamous for their obsession with fire. They appear to be severely deaf, and are at least prone to talking in very loud voices, not hearing Kitten freak out next to them or the Ultramarines sneak the artifacts past them while their infamous theme song was blaring, and later not hearing a trapped Corax called out for help. They also seem to be oblivious to their Primarch's perpetual abilities, given that they're utterly shocked whenever Vulkan dies and resurrects again, despite personally witnessing it happen at least 6 times already, so far. The Emperor wonders if the Salamanders' pyromania had to do with his act of keeping their gene-seeds closer to the candle for warmth when he was creating them.

*'''[[Vulkan]]:''' Primarch of the [[Salamanders]]. After the Ultramarines found the remaining artifacts of Vulkan in secret for the Salamanders, Vulkan returned to the chapter, where his return was greeted with great adulation (VUVUZELAS). He is notably quite crazy, both haunted by the not-ghost with a not-face of Ferrus Manus. He speaks with a distinct South African/Jamaican accent and loves friendship, brotherhood, and cute animals (including Catachan Barking Toads, leading to some snoot-booping hilarity in the spin-offs). Died during his battle with the Beast, after pushing it into a reactor of WAAAGH energy, causing him to occasionally gain an Ork's eyes, violent vocabulary and speech patterns after his inevitable resurrection (which is hilarious when juxtaposed with his normally friendly speech). Dies again after Magnus unintentionally telepathically crushed him under The Engine of Woes, the trunk of which Vulkan had locked Corvus Corax in, then promptly got better within mere minutes. Has used the [[Grimdark|darkest corner of the universe]] as a place to relax for over 9000 years and work on his hobby, Battlemace 42,000,000. He is currently traveling with Corax & the Salamanders across the Imperium before returning to Terra to finish giving the spine-crushing hugs he wants to give to Magnus. Also, as of Ep.27, Magnus suspects Vulkan had his soul fused with a piece of the Ork gestalt consciousness, effectively making him a half-ork. Vulkan can apparently tap into said energies and channel it through his faith in the Emperor, and can also apparently communicate with animals via the power of friendship. As of Bro Trip 3, he has somehow vanished after making a shocking recovery from the symptoms of a virus bombing with his innate Orkiness.
*'''[[Vulkan He'stan|He'stan]]''': Forgefather of the Salamanders. He is seen sleeping on an anvil on fire when Cato Sicarius delivered the remaining artifacts to the Salamanders, literally driving them through the wall of the fortress into the Forgefather's personal chambers. Thinking he found the artifacts in his sleep, he subsequently declares himself to be best forgefather (and doesn't know that Vulkan was actually hiding for 9000 years in a very dark corner on the same planet). He also has a very Girlish Scream.
*'''[[Tu'Shan]]''': Chapter Master of the Salamanders. Rocks a sweet set of dragon armor and has a very knightly manner of speech. Expect to hear the phrase "My Primach!" in some form a few times per appearance.

====Raven Guard====
A bunch of emotional, apologetic emos in Corvus armor with Jump Packs and Lightning Claws.

*'''[[Corvus Corax]]''': Primarch of the [[Raven Guard]]. Apparently spent the past few millennia on [[Nocturne]], trapped in a 3rd millennium smart car referred to as the "Engine of Woes" while writing edgy poetry. Is accidentally freed by Magnus when he uses the Engine of Woes to fight off Vulkan. Currently accompanying the Salamanders on a trip to the Imperial Palace. His personality is, hilariously, one of an edgy teenage goth, with his self-hate and moodiness turned up to eleven. Wants to show the Emprah his edgy poetry. Magnus and Kitten freak out when he appears. Looks surprisingly like John Wick, or Samurai Jack during Season 5 with unwashed ammonia encrusted long hair. Willing to accept his own death rather than bring it upon his friends and allies. Is currently traveling the Imperium with Vulkan, where he constantly acts as the morose voice of reason to contrast Vulkan's joyful insanity.
*'''[[Kayvaan Shrike]]''': Raven Guard Master of Shadows (AKA Chapter Master - '''because why not'''.). He seems to be fairly bipolar, going from jovial to depressed at the drop of a hat. Also makes bird noises. Vulkan noted he was also extremely polite and apologetic; often saying sorry for things that weren't even his fault or deflecting apologies to him for misfortune by saying he deserves it for being neglectful.
*'''Kadus''': In lore, Kadus is one of the most esteemed Space Marines in the Raven Guard Chapter and is one of Chapter Master Kayvaan Shrike's closest personal friends, having served together with him alongside his other friend, Corus, since their time as initiates. In the series, he accompanies Shrike and acts as his more level headed counterpart.

====Warhams Crew====
A side story of a side story about a small four-man team consisting of a [[psyker]] murderhobo, a [[Skitarii]] murderhobo, an incompetent [[Rogue Trader]], and an Inquisitorial Acolyte of the [[Ordo Xenos]] who is somehow the straight man of the group. They are the owners of the ''Debt Collector'', an Imperial ship that has gone several cycles without proper maintenance. Their job is to go to planets as ambassadors, and they are often left with the weirdest places, like a [[ratling]] [[agri world]], a (deserted(?)) [[Necron]] [[tomb world]], a penal colony, and a hive world where the people are so backwater that they're space-hillbillies who keep their own blood in separate bags.

*'''Lorn''': A psyker from [[Fenris]] with a huge beard. He is batshit crazy most of the time, and the one of the most LOLrandom characters on the show. Once had his psychic power dampened and grew muscles the size of an Ogryn's as a result. Played by Zoran, who also voices [[Leman Russ]].
*'''π Braine''': A Skitarii hailing from Lemuria, an underwater [[Forge_World#Planet|forge world]]. He is the other LOLrandom character, who likes to roam the halls of the ''Debt Collector'' and randomly murder crew members he thinks are sabotaging the ship. Usually though, the sabotages are more than likely his. Played by SpeakerD, who also voices [[Asdrubael Vect]].
*'''Captain Zedek''': The Rogue Trader that captains the ''Debt Collector''. Though it's hard to say what he actually does on the ship, as he seems perfectly content to let everyone else on the ship solve his problems. Now that he has an actual Tech-Priest on the ship -- who is far more competent in her leadership -- he feels slightly threatened in his authority. Played by HulkyKrow.
*'''Reeb Van Horne''': The Inquisitorial Acolyte from the [[Ordo Xenos]]. Surprisingly the least insane member of the group, although he's had his moments, like trying to resurrect a dead techpriest (and succeeding). When the plot needs to move along, his character tends to take care of business. Played by Earndil.

===The Deathwatch===
Who are you gonna call if some nasty Xenos wont leave your basement - call the 'Deathwatch'. 100% guarantee to eliminate the vermin.... and nick its stuff. If not then theres no refunds- as we are probably dead.
*'''Calato''': A [[Deathwatch]] Champion from the Dark Angels. Originally from BEHEMOTH, Calato served under Inquisitor [[Kryptman]], spending more time irritably fixing recaf rather than fighting Xenos. Calato later shows up trapped in the warp with Karamazov and the rest of the Inquisition, where he had the balls to call Leman Russ a dogfucker to his face. Naturally, Russ was not amused. Later they made up over a pint of Fenrisian Ale, with Calato drunkenly embracing Russ as his "uncle... dog... my duncle!" He is later seen fighting against [[Plaguebearers]] during their defense of Khaine's gate, where Wilford forcefully dragged him out of combat after failing their squad's morale check, all the while demanding vengeance.

*'''Wilford''': A [[Deathwatch]] Apothecary from the Ultramarines, who mostly agreed to join the Deathwatch as he is unable to stand his chapter's insufferable self-superior attitude. Originally appeared in BEHEMOTH, but accompanied Calato during Fyodor's assault in the Emperor palace, and subsequently banished to the Warp during that event. He's obsessed with keeping everyone's health optimal, constantly berating and advising them to avoid further or future injury and illness.

===The Dark Angels===
The Inner Circle are a ragingly paranoid group of neurotic basketcases, far more so than in canon. Keep having to make non-circle marines [[RIP AND TEAR |"repent"]] for overhearing them discussing the Fallen very loudly.

*'''[[Azrael]]:''' Chapter Master of the [[Dark Angels]]. He's depicted as an overly paranoid wreck, obsessing about [[Cypher]], the [[Fallen Angels]] and constantly telling any non-inner circle member that reports to them that they're doing nothing suspicious and secretly heretical. The fact that he had two newly indoctrinated inner circle members killed because they stumbled onto knowledge of the fallen (that he spat out in front of them) is played for laughs.
*'''[[Belial]]:''' Grand Master of the Deathwing. His emo personality is hilariously turned to eleven whenever he perceives himself or his chapter as not being perfect, which is every waking second. This curiously allows him to become more reasonable than the rest of the Inner Circle, allowing him to converse with other people that doesn't outright accuse or threaten them. He has an effeminate yet whiny voice similar to Thurston Howell III.
*'''[[Asmodai]]:''' The Dark Angels' Master of Repentance (which basically means "Violent Murdering" to him). Not nearly as a fun police officer as his canon counterpart; his personality is psychotically intense, often telling people to redeem themselves or he'll do the actual redemption. However, given his views on "redemption", it usually doesn't end well (it tends to involve a crozius to the face). He's also as every bit as paranoid as Azrael. [https://youtu.be/M56aycpd9kA?t=19m55s REPENT, MOTHERFUCKER.]
*'''[[Watchers in the Dark|Watcher in the Dark]] (aka Snurko):''' A Watcher that accompanies Azrael, who is apparently the only one of its kind who can talk. It suddenly spoke of Cypher while in the presence of two newly indoctrinated inner-circle Angels, [https://youtu.be/M56aycpd9kA?t=17m48s prompting Azrael to hilariously beat the shit out of it.] His speech and mannerisms appear to be based off Orko from the He-man series.

===The White Scars===
*'''[[Jaghatai Khan]] (Honoured Be His Name)''': Primarch of the White Scars. During the Horus Humbug, he managed to pull off the amazing feat of standing still for more than 20 seconds (while standing on a Razorback going at 200 miles per hour). After the Codex announcement, he may be in [[Commorragh]], as he desired to [[meme|go fast]] and beat [[Dark Eldar|"those knife-eared assholes"]] in their jetbike races. Not much is known about his whereabouts right now, but it does mean that we will get to see him. Also, the Emperor has stolen at least one of his bikes from his room. There are many bets on his character vibrating rapidly in place.
*'''[[Kor'sarro Khan]]''': The White Scars' Master of the Hunt and "the only White Scar worth mentioning". While he hasn't appeared, he is talked about at length in a public broadcast on the subject of the White Scars chapter. While Emps and co. spend more time mocking Voldorius, The Emperor does briefly question why he isn't their Chapter Master, which is probably the biggest endorsement an individual Space Marine has gotten since the Horus Heresy.

===The Black Templars===
According to Rogal Dorn, the Templars are absolute lunatics obsessed with "PURGING WITH MY KIIIIIIIIIIIIIN". They enjoy listening to Linkin <s>Loyalists</s> Purge in their drop pods and ramming swords through Xenos skulls. Actually not that far off canon. They may be slightly improving after being forced/convinced to have ordinary humans, psykers, librarians, ratlings and all other sorts of abhumans in their ranks.
*'''Chaplain [[Grimaldus]]:''' Shows up in a filler short where he tries to ban the holiday of Sanguinala. The other Black Templars tell him he can't, prompting him to go to his bed and throw a loyalist tantrum.
*'''High Marshal Helbrecht:''' Received an anger management course from the Emperor and the custodians and was semi-convinced to teach the Black Templars to not be ''completely'' batshit insane. Also has a voice like that of a clown goblin gargling marbles. Prefers sitting on things that are [[Space Marines|''stiff'' and very ''hard'']] to things that are [[Tau|''soft'' and ''limp'']]. Was very pleased with the prospect of the Emperor shitting on the UltraSmurfs, a phrase he interpreted as being a literal desire to defecate upon them. [[/d/|'''Nasty.''']]

===The Space Corgis===
Renamed by official decree by the Emperor himself after being informed of how everything in their vernacular seemed to have been prefaced by the word "wolf", including curse words, such as Leman Russ replacing the word "fucking" with "wolfing". Their initiation rites for aspirants culminates in sending them through the Gate of Morkai to endure a [[Tzeentch|"squid"]] screaming at them without getting a boner (your guess as to ''how'' that might even occur).

*'''[[Leman Russ]]''': Primarch of the Space Corgis, been hiding in the Warp for eons and has the punching speed of a Super Saiyan. Has a verbal staredown with Karamazov, then proceeds to relentlessly mock him while obsessing over wolves. He also gives a thorough dressing-down of the 3 branches of the Inquisition, as well as the Deathwatch, Tempestus Scions and Sisters of Battle accompanying them (delivering the infamous line "Daemons of Khorne are gonna eat ya out like ice cream sandwiches once your Red Rage begins!"). He even has his own version of the [[meme|Navy Seal Copypasta]]. Despite being a Viking, he has a pseudo-Scottish accent. Magnus has accused him of being a furry-fuck. He is currently teaching the Inquisition how to survive in the Warp by turning them into a drunken mob and killing innocent daemons. This includes pranks of various sorts, such as crank calling Furies, cockblocking a Daemonette at a bar (which actually kills it), ding-dong-ditching Skarbrand, and assaulting one of Nurgle's daemons with a fuckload of soap ''(and a bathtub)''. After learning that Magnus is currently located in the Imperial Palace, he decided to get out of the Warp and go back to Terra; this journey currently includes surviving an army from all the Chaos Gods led by some of the most infamous Daemons, then walking through the Gate of Khaine into Commuragh, and being escorted to the Dark Eldar Overlord Vect, alongside with Karamazov and Kaldor Draigo. Is able to summon things by thinking about them really hard, ironically due to the fact that he is a psyker. He uses this ability to torture some Dark Eldar who challenged him to a game of 20 questions. Also appears to be friends with [[Boatmurdered|Urist Boatmurdered]]

*'''Space Wolves [[Wulfen]]''': Any mention of the Wulfen is normally echoed with someone bellowing "[[Digganobz]]" in a demented manner. This is referred within a Youtube short: the Grandmaster of the Grey Knights, Sir Covan Leorac, was presented an image of the Wulfen and he called them Digganobz. And yes, they really ''do'' look like Digganobz.

===The Grey Knights===
*'''[[Kaldor Draigo]]''': The Supreme Grand Master of the [[Grey Knights]], who is cursed to wander The Warp for eternity. Centuries wandering unrealspace however, eroded Draigo's sanity (at one point Leman questions if Draigo can even be considered sentient, which Draigo answers no), which might not be a bad thing as his craziness allows him to both stay in the warp without any trouble and murder daemons left and right (remember: the warp is a reflection of the minds of mortals and psykers can influence it to a higher degree. Draigo's insanity and powerful psychic talents allow him to shrug off the madness of the warp, simply because he believes without a shadow of a doubt that he can). He's made several appearances, first is annoying Fyodor's attack force after being banished into the warp by Magnus and later summoned by Kitten to handle Magnus' tantrum, which he does so in a split-second offscreen using inexplicable Mary Sue powers to defeat him. He now hangs around with Russ and company and is the only one besides Russ who can safely traverse the warp sober and troll daemons without his head exploding. Has apparently been sending Daemons (in the form of ordinary villagers, with jobs and families) into the "Super Warp" by throwing vortex grenades at them (given that they're already in The Warp, the grenades would suck them <s>to an even deeper version of The Warp</s> Back out into real space which, considering they’re demons, would mean that they would promptly die). Unfortunately, his [[Matt Ward|Wardian plot armor]] is not enough to protect him from one of the most powerful forces in the Warhammer universe: bad dice rolls. (seriously, the dice they were using must’ve been loaded) This shows quite painfully during the battle at Khaine’s Gate, where he repeatedly fails his psychic tests and charge attempts, Causing a group of Tempesta scions, and a firing line of sisters of battle, to get brutally murdered by demons. he’s still a beast in close-combat though, as the Masque of Slaanesh can attest. Is known for Insane ramblings that come out of pretty much nowhere, and make no sense, but are absolutely hilarious. Prominent quotes shall be listed in The bottom section.

*'''Covan Leorac''': A Grand Master of the Grey Knights. He appears in a short video where some Grey Knights report <strike>solid evidence of the [[Wulfen]] among the Space Wolves</strike> FAHCK YOU! DIGGANOBZ. However, Covan is absolutely convinced that they're Digganobz and not Wulfen, even hitting a Knight in the head for disagreeing with. Whether this is a jab at GW heavily basing the look of Wulfen on Digganobs or is in conscious denial to prevent the Grey Knights from waging a costly war upon the Space Wolves (again) is up to interpretation.

*'''Dread Knight''': The Emperor thinks its design is silly and looks like a baby cradle), but the Dread Knight proves to be as brave as it is massive, heroically charging at Skarbrand only to be made into a red paste after it initiated physical contact with him.

=== The Blood Angels ===

*'''[[Sanguinius]]''': Fabulous Fucking Hawkboy, and Primarch of the Blood Angels who is very, '''very''' dead. BUT he can appear lying face-up, head somewhat melty, in the visions/dreams of the faithful. (Though apparently only whilst they are heavily drugged on Ork Fungus...). Bears the dubious honour of being the only person the Emperor will not smack talk about nor tolerate being talked down about.
**'''The [[Sanguinor]]''': Mentioned in the second Q&A session where one of the [[Flesh Tearers]] is praying for his aid and a Blood Raven asks of his true nature. The Emprah has no clue, but hopes that it could be a 'fragment' of Sanguinius and hopes he returns. This implies the Emprah thinks that, just as his own soul was split into fragments by Fucking Horus, the same may have happened on some level to Sanguinius. Later makes a brief cameo swapping places to give his <s>girlfriend</s> colleague, Saint Celestine, a break from her stressful job of helping her sisters. While she was grateful and considered him shy and a sweetheart, she and the Blood Angels (that she rescued from Be'lakor on Sanguinala) realized her sisters would be trying to [[Rip and tear|tear]] him apart in anger at taking her place. As he awkwardly deals with the Sororitas raging at him, Saint Celestine rushed back from Ba'al to save him.

===The Lamenters===
21st founding of Marines which is literally 'cursed' i.e they have the worst luck ever to happen to a chapter. Being kicked in the balls by the Minotaurs and power hammered seems to be pretty high on the sucks levels. Even Emps cries for them.

===The <s>Imperial Army</s> <s>[[Imperial Guard]]</s> <s>Astra Militarum</s> WALL of GUNS===
The billions upon billions of baseline human, GIs, squaddies, grunts, footsloggers, meat shields which does the majority of land based warfare. They normally dont grab much of the medias attention as a image of a man sitting in a soggy trench with a torch and cardboard armour whilst super powered beings and aliens march over them isnt that uplifting.
*'''[[Sly Marbo]]''': [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kXU14hkuSI The One-Man Army] and [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCMNWAJiz5Y Hero of the Imperium!], he first appears in the April Fools episode where he was apparently recruited by Horus. Appeared in the real series, saving Little Billy and some farmers from the Kabal of the Flayed Skull in the middle of their raid on a random Agri-World. Later showed up at the invitation of Lucius to the Slaaneshmas Special where he begins beating up Typhus, Ahriman, and Lucius. While the scene turns to static, Lucius and Ahriman later show up on screen again. They commented that he was apparently a pretty great guy. Lucius apparently mixed up his contact info with Kharn's at one point. Later shows up to save Corvus Corax from the Catachan Barking Toad perched on his head. He's stated to be the single most decorated soldier in the entire history of humanity despite only being a Private, and "his aerodynamic musculature and knowledge of Catachan jungle tree buoyancy" help him "simulate flight" (which is apparently interstellar). Confirmed to NOT be a missing Primarch. Exclusively communicates by screaming (and sometimes body gestures, since he bowed slightly to Corax), specifically the one from the Dawn of War I opening cinematic where the sergeant orders the charge up the hill. He also weaponizes the subtitles of the scream by hitting enemies with them both as a ram and as a club.
*'''[[Ollanius Pius]]''': Makes a split-second appearance in [https://youtu.be/0Vh_N8CpcL0?t=900 in Rogal Dorn's flashback] before being headbutted to death by Horus. (''Shame on you if you don't know this super dude, so read his history now!'') In another episode, the Emperor takes the time to set the record straight that while Ollanius did, in fact, sacrifice himself for the Emperor, a Terminator and Custodes quickly followed suit in order to not be shown up by a mere mortal human. He was not amused by their transparent attempt to outshine Ollanius.
*'''[[Ciaphas Cain]]''': Commissar and Hero of the Imperium. He fully understands his entire existence is based on pure luck, lies and cowardice, though unlike his book version whose ability to never seem unnerved or let his lies slip is key to his entire career (and is hardly adverse to its benefits, if not its drawbacks...), here he's humorously morose and loudly gripes about his constant deceptions in private...but finds a kindred spirit in Marneus Calgar to share the pain. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRozBAIbaG4 Has his own merry jingle].
*'''[[Death Korps of Krieg]]''': As of the second voxcast, they can ''finally'' rest assured that the Emperor has personally forgiven them. What the Death Korps will do now that they've officially redeemed themselves remains to be seen, assuming they actually want to do something other than fight and die in battle. ( come on, you know it'll probably take another 2, maybe 3 millennia for the message to reach Krieg, due to, you know, Imperial Bureaucracy )
*'''[[Catachan Jungle Fighters]] (pronounced "Kata-kan")'''(by Straken, confusing everyone): Elaborated on in the first episode of "BRO TRIP 40,000: A Tale of Two Primarchs", being saved from a Slaaneshi Daemon invasion by the intervention of Vulkan and Corvus. Armed primarily only with knives (albeit some of the best knives in the universe due to the special Catachan metals) and basic clothing (shirts optional) in one of the most hazardous places in the universe, their survival and natural Space Marine-like physique provides a massive boost to the morale of the Imperium in a manner known as "marketability". Their culture is similar to that of Orks, measuring knife size to determine rank.
**'''Colonel "Iron Hands" Straken''': Leads the Catachan II regiment and is extremely good at guiding(tongue lashing)his troopers. Sly Marbo is also officially designated to the II regiment.
*'''[[Attilan Rough Riders]]''' Mongolian/Hun/Wide sweeping steppe based cavalry. Very superstitious (they try and kill Vulkan!) and hard to be completely converted by the Ecclesiarchy. As is typical of legendary guard regiments, they are brave and self-sacrificing. They can also pilot aircraft whilst still atop their horses (Some suspect the horses are the real pilots).
**'''Captain Mogul Kamir''': Leads the Attilan regiment who are going with the 'Friendship Force'. Likes drinking from the skulls of his fallen foes (a nod to Pre-Islamic Turk practices).
**'''The King of Khanasan''': Head of the Attilan Rough Riders and fellow skull-goblet enthusiast, to the point of draping his entire outfit in them. Voiced by Alfabusa himself.
**'''Starass''': The sole Astropath of the Attilans, and naturally an actual ass. Apparently, more than adequate enough for the Riders, though her language has no concept of the words "mass planetary destruction."

===Sisters of Battle===
*[[Ephrael Stern]]: The infamous Daemonifuge has finally reached the Black Library, but she's none too pleased with the Eldar's selection of food. [[-4_Str|Treads the path of the swole]]. She tells off Cegorach to his face, causing him to sulk off (incidentally allowing Custodisi and Wamuudes to enter the library). Goes with Magnus to help Eldrad birth Ynead.
*[[Saint Celestine]]: Greatest of the [[Living Saint]]s, always there to protect the Imperium and always reviving if she dies. First appears (in astral projection form) during the Battle at the Gate of Khaine, where she is apparently in on the [[Star Child]]'s plan and spirits away the soul of Dominique, who she describes as having fufuilled his duty to the Emperor. Later appears as the star of the "Salvation Through Annihilation" short, using her holy powers to deep-fry [[Ku'Gath]]. Her jolly mood is soured by the Sororitas present fangirling over her in a disgustingly creepy manner that makes the previously mentioned daemon of Nurgle seem pleasent in comparsion. After warping out, she is instructed by the (oddly drunk-sounding) voice-that-tells-her-to-go-places to head to [[Cadia]]. In the recent Sanguinala special, she was seen rescuing the Blood Angels on their homeworld of Baal, from a attempt by Chaos to end Sanguinala by Be'lakor. The Blood Angels are confused, as the Sanguinor is the one to usually save them. The two had swapped places at his suggestion for her to take a break, resulting in a very uncomfortable situation for the Blood Angels, and...Sanguinor being assaulted by the Sisters of Battle. Refers to the Sanguinor as her ‘stud’ and ‘boy toy’ and thinks of him as a shy sweetheart.
**In a deleted scene from the ''Behemoth'' triology, Celestine would have come down to aid the outnumbered sisters against the Swarmlord... which would have proceeded to kill her [[FAIL|over and over again]] and contribute absolutely nothing. Since the scene was unfunny and made the video way too long, Eliphas cut it out.

===Adeptus Mechanicus===
*'''Reimleiz the Theorist:''' An attendant techpriest whom the Emperor calls "random mechanicus guy". He was originally searching for a motorbike for Rogal Dorn to use, inside Jaghatai Khan's shed. As of the Black Templars podcast, Emps made him an Inquisitor and then commanded him to find out more about the Omega Vault. He was inexplicably on the floor at the time. Is incapable of making any statement without phrasing it as a question and is constantly asking himself trivial questions for no real reason (such as asking if legs are actually vehicles driven by tiny snotlings). Also has a penchant for slapping his cyberdong on toasters, which many mechanicus adepts around the system appear to be visibly fixated upon. As a sidenote he’s basically an avatar for [[https://m.youtube.com/user/remleiz|this YouTube channel]]
*'''Delphan Gruss''': A Magos Explorator (that originally appeared in the 54mm ''Inquisitor'' game) sent to Orior by the [[Adeptus Mechanicus|Admech]] to investigate the presence of an STC. He is very blunt and dismissive when dealing with "fleshbags", and does so while speaking with a German accent. His most remarkable feature, however, is a drill that replaces his right hand, which, predictably, makes him the butt of many [[anime]]-related jokes, much to his dismay.
*'''[[Belisarius Cawl]]''': He hasn't done anything to Gulliman (yet, anyway), but Rogal Dorn apparently did see him talking with Gulliman about something in the past. Apparently, he's not that great at keeping secrets, as there are rumors circulating about him working on [[Primaris Marines|something related to Thunder Warriors]] that even managed to reach the Imperial Palace. The Emperor understandably expects little to come from this (he will be completely surprised), expecting Cawl's work to be hindered by the Mechanicus' usual dogma. Finally shows up in Episode 28, and all the A.I's in his head have naturally made him crazy (As it should, there's a reason that stuff isn't messed with in canon). Either that or that's all of the personalities he's absorbed throughout the millennia talking through him. He acts as the hitman for the Fabricator-General, who blackmails him about not scrapping his Primaris project if he kills the Custodes. Also speaks like the Master from Fallout 1.

===The Inquisition===
After the Horus Heresy, a new proactive 'Intelligence' force was created: merge the KGB, Gestapo, CIA, MI6, Mossad with zealous religious belief and unlimited power and hey presto:
*'''Lord [[Inquisitor]] Fyodor <s>Karamazov</s> Krazypantsoff''': Inquisitor of the [[Ordo Hereticus]] and a colossal jerk even among inquisitors. When the Emperor disbanded the Inquisition, he went ballistic and led an entire crusade to Terra to purge what he thinks is heresy. Ended up in the Warp via Magnus for his troubles, after being trolled in a magnificent manner by being told he is a fragment of the Emperor. This was all [[Just As Planned|the Emperor's plan for sending out the message in the first place]], to lure in all the more destructive Inquisitors to get rid of them. He's not out of the game yet, though, and is determined to return to the Emperor. He has become substantially crazier after Leman Russ' Warp Survival lessons. Completely convinced he's the Emperor and seems to regret what a horrible father "he" was more than Emprah himself.
**'''Star-Fyodperor''': After a huge messy battle at Khaine's gate, Karamazov became the host of the Star Child. So basically he ''is'' the Emperor for real now. Apparently, the Star Child needed to possess someone extremely entitled and hypocritical like big E himself. Thanks to Star Child basically doing all the talking, planning, and overall thinking He now represents the kind, fatherly side of the Emperor that is sorely lacking from his throne-bound counterpart, complete with dad jokes. Unfortunately, this leaves the Fyodperor to being easy to deceive, lacking the ability to distrust that comes from millennia of cynicism and hate. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgVuQ_Fbs5g|Has one of the most noblebright awesome themes ever done for anything born from GeeDubs.]
[[Image:Domi.png|thumb|right|''"KILL THEM ALL, KILL THEM ALL!"'']]
*'''Dominique''': Voiced by Gonzo the Great. The techpriest Lexmechanic on Fyodor's Throne of Judgement. He comically makes fun of Fyodor on several occasions and generally breaks the serious atmosphere that the Lord Inquisitor tries to project. He also has a curious predilection for sandpaper cigarettes and a rapacious drug habit. Died inexplicably during the Inquisition's drunken rampage, most likely due to alcohol poisoning. It is never explained why Fyodor tolerated his nonsense for so long, but as Dominique regularly got away with sass sufficient to warrant a summary execution for a planetary governor, let alone a servitor, and Fyodor is not portrayed as being a particularly stable or calm individual, it's clear *something* was in play keeping Dominique employed and alive.
**Turns out he had a fate-bound duty to mold Fyodor into the Star Child's ideal host, an ill-tempered hypocrite with a god complex. He was allowed to see Fyodor one last time in exchange for that service, then got ferried to the afterlife by [[Saint Celestine]] her-holy-fucking-self to the tune of ten thousand fans weeping manly tears. His carcass is still perched on the Throne of Judgment, but most of the meat has rotted away by now. He's currently interred into a white-and-gold sarcophagus created when Fyodor became the Star Child's host.
[[Image:Mall.png|thumb|right]]
*'''Grand Master Elirush''': A Grey Knight Grand Master, who represents the Inquisition's Ordo Malleus. The most level-headed person in the group, who speaks with a smothered accent that Alfa masks as "waffles" (due to his VA being Eliphas, who is Belgian. If it isn't obvious, that's also the basis for his name). He attempted to avenge his fallen brothers who were killed by Kairos during the battle at Khaine's gate, but mistakenly attributed it to Skarbrand (much to the former's dismay). He was killed after inconveniencing Skarbrand, who despises such things.
[[Image:Here.png|thumb|right]]
*'''Inquisitor Adrielle Quist''': One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor whom you'd recognize if you've ever seen them. A Xeno fetishist, evidence suggests she is actually a tsundere for [[Genestealers]], and only dreams of being held in the strong, manly arms of her [[Extra heresy|Broodlord-kun]]. She appears to be the bad cop of the group with a short temper and a rough, Russian accent. She claims that the letter of disbanding inquisition was written by a genestealer cult under the Emperor's name. While stuck in the warp with Fyodor and the rest, she assaults [[Lord of Change]] Kairos Fateweaver after asking if he's a Genestealer, naturally not caring which of his heads answered "Yes". Even mentioning Genestealers in her presence causes her to fly into a berzerker rage. Later, during the Halloween special, she is apparently able to briefly manifest into realspace, similar to Kaldor Draigo, whenever someone mentions anything about Genestalers. She was last seen during the defense of Khaine's gate while intoxicated, where she mistakes Skarbrand for a Genestealer (further angering Skarbrand as he dislikes misinterpretations) and ascended after being killed by him.
[[Image:Xen.png|thumb|right]]
*'''Inquisitor Donklas''': One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor, who represents the Ordo Hereticus. He appears as an Inquisitor dressed in black and using a bolt pistol with a sight mount (which is exactly from the front cover of [[Dark Heresy]]). Don't let his soft-spoken tone fool you - this guy gets aroused at the thought of executing other people regardless of what they've done. He is in favor of the door-kicking-and-burning-building type of [[Exterminatus]], just like a medieval witch hunter. He is possibly the same Inquisitor as the one in the mask (who snickers arousedly at executing friendlies and wonders where the mask came from). He is so far the only Inquisitor who managed to survive the battle at Khaine's gate, mainly due to "enforcing discipline at the back". He is so far the only one of 3 main inquisitors who has survived up to this point.
*'''Inquisitor Javerticus''': An Ordo Hereticus Inquisitor and the most dedicated and charismatic of them all, and also an awesome singer and swordsman. Sadly, the Grey Knights don't seem to comprehend his awesomely dramatic greatness. Named after the [[Lawful Stupid|obsessive]] Inspector Javert (from Victor Hugo's ''Les Misérables'').
*'''[[Jokaero|Torquemada Coteaz]]''': One of the Inquisitors who joined Fyodor's assault into the Imperial Palace. He shows up after Fyodor's forces was blocked off by a force of loyal Ecclesiarchy priests led by Decius in the palace, but breaches their defenses by throwing a barrel of Jokaero at the defenders. This plan causes Fyodor to lose any respect for him, which solicits a disheveled response from Torquemada, [[Awesome|telling him to get off his Throne of Judgement and tell him to his face or use his multi-melta to do what he's too pathetic to]]. Fyodor backs off and lets him leave. So far he appears to be the only sane Inquisitor, snarling at Fyodor to not execute the Emperor for whatever offense he may pull out of his ass. He's also busy with [[The Lord Inquisitor|making a film]], which is why he didn't stay to see Fyodor's plans go to the Warp.
*'''[[Militarum Tempestus|Tempestus Scions]]''' - A hapless squad of Inquisitorial Stormtroopers comprised of Scions: Grant, Valentine, Matilda, Stuart, and led by Tempestor Cromwell. They constantly bicker between each other due to Stuart's pessimism, Matilda's blind optimism, and Grant's panicky disposition, but is constantly held in-line by Tempestor Cromwell. They're seen during the battle at Khaine's Gate, where they're all surprised that they've somehow survived, despite their [[Taurox]] roadblock being destroyed and the Grey Knights being slaughtered.
**Coincidentally ([[Just as Planned|or not]]), they're all named after Allied [[tank]]s from World War II (probably not, what with their thick English accents, and Matilda's preoccupation with "tankyness.").
*'''Inquisitor Headsmash''': Hangs around on a ship in low orbit waiting for heresy to occur. Has a heavily reinforced Exterminatus button which he gets a LOT of use from - as the name implies, he hits it repeatedly using his head. Has the enviable talent of hearing heresy from orbit. He was about to retire after his 40,000th straight Exterminatus, but due to Draigo, he got sent to Commorragh along with his entourage (which includes a Jokaero and his Exterminatus button). Was the only one in the assembly to resist the fyodperor's psychic persuasion.
*'''Ex-Inquisitor Kryptman''': It's a bit weird that this guy is hanging around since all the other Inquisitors hate him, but whatever. Considered too violent and too hypocritical for the Inquisition, as amazing as that achievement is, he is nonetheless really good at his job; claims he's even able to survive against Eldar mind games by seeing through the truth being disguised as a lie, knowing full well that the humans will assume it's a lie while knowing the Eldar are lying about telling the truth about lying. Also carries a pimpin' cane with a gun in it.
*'''Inquisitor Obiwan Sherlock Clousseau''': Yep, he appears in episode 26 part 2! He's from a more [[Warhammer 40,000: Rogue Trader|'jovial' time of early 40K]].

===General Populace of the Imperium ('Plebs')===
*'''Little Billy''': A running gag character in the series. His appearance is a psychic child who made himself a crude power-armor costume using cardboard boxes, with Alfabusa's grey and blue livery for colors. The gag about him is that Billy is constantly subjected to lethal/traumatizing events, yet still survives to appear again, leading to a joke that he is actually a perpetual. So far he's been: run over by a space marine attack bike, kidnapped and thrown into a Dark Eldar slave pit ''twice'', and implied to have been molested by Lucius after contacting him using a psychic link and suddenly appearing before him, then hunted across the cosmos by Lucius during Slaaneshmas, and hammered in the face by a Deathwatch member before almost getting eaten by Tyranids in [https://youtu.be/mabM64rAd4k?t=25m32s Behemoth]. He's also apparently talked to the High Lords at least once, since the Grand Provost Marshal hallucinates him. To date, the only good thing to happen to him is Sly Marbo rescuing him from the Dark Eldar after some internal deb-'''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA'''-ting.
*'''The citizens of Hive World Purgatory''': Originally appearing in Alfa's Upper Hive games, hive world Purgatory appears a few times in the series proper. Its citizens are extremely idiotic and prone to murdering each other over the slightest suspicion. It's also been the victim of a recent Crotch Rot epidemic, and multiple Genestealer invasions.
*'''The Citizens Of The Imperium''': In special episodes where the Emperor answers mail from citizens of the Imperium (most of which is questions asked by watchers of the series), Loyalist humanity plus an odd Xeno or Chaos entity ask questions of him. These are supposed to be sorted by ''Little Kitten'' and later Magnus as well, but quite a few stupid ones get through to the point that without the aid of the cuddly Centurion, the Emperor's frustration causes Warpstorms which obliterate chunks of the universe.
*'''Detective Bruce Norring''': Appears in the Halloween specials. With most of the Inquisition missing, Bruce is put on the case of chasing down shady heretics on hive world Purgatory, [[Lovecraft|Innsmouth-style]], before unwittingly uncovering a Genestealer cult and nearly made into a genehost - only to get saved by a completely sloshed Inquisitor Quist from the warp.
*'''Hobo Guardsman''': also known as "Hobo-chan." Like Billy, he exists to be traumatized by the grim darkness of the universe. First he becomes an unwilling recipient of Lucius' charity efforts, that being a sandwich made from ''"freshly milked [[daemonette]] [[trap|milk]]"'', then later he gets harassed by the [[Adeptus Arbites]] for adding rat meat to his rations to make them more edible. Fed up with the bullshit, he decides to join Chaos, getting warped away before his planet is destroyed by Exterminatus. He was later seen smashed by Lucius during the Slaaneshmas Special, and then spotted in the Webway with the Ultramarines, and later again spotted in the Imperial Dungeons with the Shadowkeepers; and, on top of fucking that, was seen near the end of Part 1 of Hateful Feud running away as Karamazov was becoming Fyodper. Last seen in the Throne Room, running away as Magnus threw a temper tantrum after being trolled by the Provost Marshal for not reading the rules of Fantasy Roleplay.
*'''Tour Guide''': A guy who gives tours of the Imperial Palace. He gets summoned(dragged) into the throne room and abruptly told by the Emperor to read the names of a bunch of Dark Eldar weapons without any given reason, which he does without hesitation. He may read other lists later. He appears to be some sort of psyker as he could sense Magnus' return before he teleported into the throne room. He is able to bitch-slap Wamuudes to the floor without even looking. Poor guy is also losing his sanity due to all the batshit craziness happening around him.

===Eldar===
After the Eldar Collapse, these Eldar decided that unlimited Lust and Violence wasn't a positive influence to their souls and thus became elfy space-monks, all calm and serene until they decide to fight then its elfy warrior-monks!.
*'''[[Eldrad]] Ulthran:''' Eldar Farseer of Craftworld Ulthwé who is one of the biggest dicks in the Galaxy. Is preparing to do pretty much exactly what he ends up doing in Gathering Storm. Tried to convince Asdrubael Vect to distract the Imperium while he attempts to awaken [[Ynnead]], but to no avail. Apparently, he's already contacted Cypher at least once before and seeks to do the same with "the Machine-man from Mars" (most likely Cawl).
*'''[[Cegorach]]''': The Laughing God, shown guarding the Black Library. He encounters Ahriman trying to enter and forcefully boots him out after a bit of trolling. Cegorach has his own spectral audience that laughs at his jokes, and even a voice that adds '''[BAZINGA.]''' to his punchlines. He is plotting the demise of the [[Flesh Eaters]] for saying his Harlequins are in poor taste. In both meanings of the word. Recently he challenged Magnus to a comedy battle where he made use of horribly outdated memes to win laughs from the Harlequin audience including a Skyrim reference of all things. Had to call it a tie though since Magnus was committing verbal suicide through self-deprecation humor. Also has one of the most badass theme songs in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzWsLaolyLw&ab_channel=StringStorm%E2%80%8C existence] .
*'''[[Isha]]''': Despite being a kidnapping victim initially, Isha is now (due to Stockholm Syndrome) in a “loving” relationship with Nurgle. She Thinks Tzeentch is annoying and hates Slaanesh, mocking the former and encouraging Nurgle to plague the latter, Preferably with something that doesn’t kill her but shuts off her senses.
*'''[[Khaine]]''': Disappointed and annoyed by all the young Gods around him, sounds like an old man beat-down by life. He mostly hangs out in the warp chat and goes to the gym with Khorne.

===Dark Eldar===
The true descendants after the collapse of the Eldar Empire. There are A LOT of Dark Eldar living in their webway city of Commorragh and with access to a ton of lethal weaponry, its impractical to invade their realm without leaving yourself open to other forces’ attacks.
*'''[[Asdrubael Vect]]:''' Dark Eldar leader who is another one of the biggest dicks in the Galaxy. Is completely disinterested if not mildly amused/irritated with Eldrad's plans and his insistence on dragging him in; believing both Eldrad's visions and Ynnead to be utter nonsense unworthy of his time after 10,000 years worth of pessimistic doomsaying. He appears to have plans of his own that seem to involve Leman Russ, Karamazov, and/or Kaldor Draigo, who emerge from the Gate of Khaine just as he finishes his conversation with Eldrad. As it turns out, it involved shocking the Star-Fyodperor (which he was able to deduct almost immediately) with a surprise betrayal that the emotions that emanate almost supercharge Vect and Rakarth. Has a habit of setting up violent, hedonistic parties before gassing all the guests (including all rivals) after he leaves early.
*'''[[Lady Malys]]:''' Vect's bitter ex (don't say that to her face, though) who wants to take over Commorragh because "Vect's a prick." Seems to have been taken over by Cegorach, which is not surprising given real lore had her conduct heart transplant surgery on herself with Cegorach's crystal heart. Also French. [[Magical Realm|Sexily]] so.
*'''[[Archon Tahril]]:''' An Archon who originally appeared in ''[[Dawn of War]]: Soulstorm'' as the leader of the Black Heart Cabal in Kaurava and Vect's former subordinate after the whole raid ended in a failure. He is reluctantly under Malys' employment and passive-aggressively lets her know whenever he has to talk to her. He deals with her personality quirks reluctantly. Is also secretly an agent of the C'tan known as the Deceiver.
*'''[[Urien Rakarth]]:''' The personification of torture, currently under Vect's employ. It's revealed that it was he who visited the Golden Throne that one time, which makes Dorn panic and attempt to re-install the entire palace.

===Adversaries===
*'''[[Abaddon the Despoiler]]''': Has yet to personally appear in the series, but has so far has been contacting various Chaos Champions [[Black Crusade|to attend to their 14th annual party]]. He will ALSO be voiced by the aforementioned Takahata101 (Nappa and [[Hellsing|'''THE CRIMSON FUCKER''']]) of Team Four Star fame.
*'''[[Fulgrim]]''': Has yet to personally appear in the series, but appears to have already joined Abaddon in his plans. He makes his appearance as the person who called Lucius to get him to join Abaddon. Based on the [[Vulkan|current]] [[Corvus Corax|trend]], it wouldn’t be too surprising if he, too, can see Ferrus Manus’s ghost, especially considering he was the one who ''killed him'' and all that.
*'''The Gods of [[Chaos|<s>Chaos</s> <s>Choas</s> <s>Chaos</s> <s>Choas</s> <s>Chaos</s> <s>Choas</s> chaos]]''': The gods here are less chaotic than their canon counterparts. More-or-less they just sit around and talk to each other, the way they did prior to the Emperor showing up and making plans to wreck their collective shit.
**[[Tzeentch]] is a petty schoolyard bully/prankster who also likes to engage in pointlessly overthought pseudo-philosophy. He also plays Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth-Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker, shamelessly abusing an [[Yu-Gi-Oh#Archetype|Empty Jar]] deck made [[WAAC|ALMOST ENTIRELY FROM BANNED CARDS]]. So far, he is the most prominently featured of the Chaos Gods. Tzeentch lurks behind the Gate of Morkai, fucking with the aspirants sent through by Space Wolves priests; if they're to be believed, he's done something involving "wolf tits" at least once, and [[Wat|Emprah only knows how we're supposed to interpret that]]. Despite his behavior he does genuinely care for his son, Magnus.
**[[Slaanesh]] is a hyperactive masochistic camwhore who steals from Khorne and trolls him and others with sexual innuendos. Nobody likes it because it ruins everything.
**[[Khorne]] is the only half-way normal Chaos God (if that term could ever be applied to the Gods), who is often heard screaming at Slaanesh for being a creepy whore. Has a fairly good relationship with Khaine, though, and they work out together at the gym - he never skips leg day, unlike the Emperor. Ironically, despite being the most prominently featured Chaos God in canon, he's made far fewer on-screen appearances than the other Gods.
**[[Nurgle]] is the only one actually doing any scheming. Has a voice that's really hard to understand without subtitles, Probably because of all of the diseases he’s infected with, and is more focused on his waifu Isha than actually doing anything. When he's upset, he known to release extremely potent [[Wikipedia:Tinea cruris|Crotch]] [[Wikipedia:Candidal intertrigo|Rot]] on Hive-Worlds, which is as nasty as it sounds.The emperor was on the receiving end of said crotch rot, as well as an eternally itchy nose, despite not having one.
**[[Malal]] makes several short appearances, conversing with the various gods on Spacebook where he declares he will ruin everyone once he becomes canon again by escaping the "Retconnian" (a dimension where the Squats, Horus' soul, Sanguinnius’ soul and other things that don't exist anymore are banished to) and a second time is shown to exist in a pocket outside canon where he is able to influence things that are canon in subtle ways using the [[Dark Heresy|"Tyrant Star", a wandering sun that gives off black light and incites anarchy, chaos, and mutation on whatever planet it shines on]]. It appears that his obsession to become canon is a harmful one, as Horus and a Squat talk him down from his attempts and console him when he breaks down crying about his futile attempts.
**The [[Great Horned Rat]] appears as a joke to cancel Slaaneshmas forever due to Slaanesh getting demoted in Age of Sigmar and announces "Great Horned Rat Day" as its replacement. Enjoys mocking "non-existent" lesser Chaos Gods and seems to be incapable of not breaking the fourth wall. Coughs near-constantly.
**[[Necoho]]?: Never been seen and hasn't been named, but Magnus has mentioned the existence of a chaos god of unbelief who was created by Emperor's attempts to wipe out all religion. If not for the Horus Heresy, Emperor would have become its champion or avatar. Since atheism is so rare in the galaxy now, it most likely is dead or too weak to be relevant.
*'''[[Lucius the Eternal]]''': Slaanesh's premier champion, who sounds like what would happen if Mickey Mouse turned to Slaanesh and became a drag queen in the process (his first appearance is a direct reference to [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g56q3j8NAcw this]). First shown fucking up some Imperial Guardsmen (in all senses of the word) with his warband, laughing like a maniac all the while. He then got a call from Fulgrim, inviting him and his band to join one of Abaddon's [[Black Crusade|"huge parties"]], which he accepted. His absolutely creepy portrayal in the series is quickly becoming one of the scariest (and most enjoyable) things in the franchise, sorta an impressive achievement. Runs a prank show in his spare time, and posts the results to Spacebook (it is unknown If piccolo has seen said results). Also planned the 'Slaaneshmas' holiday event, which is broadcast to the whole universe to spread goodwill to humans and overall death to xeno species. Lucius makes a great holo vid host.
*'''[[Ahzek Ahriman]]''': Most powerful sorcerer of the [[Thousand Sons]]. Appears in a short scene where he finally gets access to the [[Black Library]], only to be dicked with, and eventually booted out by [[Cegorach]]. Decided to quit trying to get into the Black Library for a while and take a break, but decided against the latter after being summoned by Abaddon for the Black Crusade. Teamed up with Lucius for Slaaneshmas for the shits and giggles. So far appears to the only rational Chaos Space Marine, acting as a snarky straight man to the antics of the others. On a side-note, he [[Old Man Henderson|huffs grimoires of Big Bad Jujus]], which impresses Lucius. He apparently wants to murder the stars as he finds them too bright for his taste. At the end, he gives a speech about how despite the different worldviews, both sides are still humans and offers the Imperium to have one day per year when instead of killing each other, both sides would have a ceasefire and unite to exterminate aliens instead. Imperials were oddly receptive to that idea...
*'''[[Typhus]]''': Chaos Lord of the [[Death Guard]]. Has the voice of Gilbert Gottfried, with a Strong resemblance to the voice of Real life Comedian Norm McDonald, or Gilbert Gottfried, which he uses to read [[Squad Broken|erotic fanfiction]] for Lucius. Like the other chaos champions, he's been summoned by Abaddon for the Black Crusade. Later shows up to the Slaaneshmas Special to talk about his latest book, which is just his own shit smeared on every page.
*'''[[Kharn|Khârn the Betrayer]]''': The most infamous Khornate Berserker in the World Eaters. He has yet to appear directly in the show; Lucius invited him by Vox to the Slaaneshmas special but only received angry grunts in reply, leading Lucius to believe Angron picked up instead. Apparently, Lucius also mixed up his contact info with Sly Marbo at one point.
*'''[[Huron Blackheart]]''': We cannot confirm his appearance in the series proper, but it appears that he is with [[Abaddon]] in the Season 3 intro, perhaps pointing to an alliance of sorts. Why in the all the names of Chaos he is there, only Alfa (or maybe his voice actor) know.
*'''[[Fabius Bile|<strike>Fabius</strike> <strike>FABULOUS Bile</strike> Bob]]''': Joins in on Lucius' and Ahriman's Slaaneshmas special to announce that he's starting a solo Black Crusade to show up that man-baby Abbadon. Is triggered very seriously if called Bob. He's clearly insane, insisting that a solo Black Crusade means doing things on his own, which even Lucius thought was crazy, not helped by Bile following up by boasting he can clone anyone. He showed off an abomination of a clone of Ahriman (which psychically self-destructed) during the Slaaneshmas Special. Naturally, Ahriman was horrified and disgusted and even Lucius was disturbed.
*'''[[Miriael Sabathiel]]''': The infamous Chaos Sororita shows up, only to get dismissed everywhere she goes and not be taken seriously. Upon learning it was Slaaneshmas, she dons a Santa hat and joins the fun. Earlier, she was in a bad mood for being talked down by a captured Inquisitor (before she beheaded him in frustration), lamented the lost opportunity to torment him, and was enraged at some Noise Marines' amusement at her situation.
*'''The [[Tyranid]] Hivemind''': Attempted to hijack the Chaos Gods' warpchat, but was kicked after too many synapses attempted connections. The Emperor claims that talking to the Tyranid Hivemind is like talking to a herd of hungry sheep. Everyone in the wharf is trying to get rid of it because it’s annoying to them. It also sent a psychic message to inquisitor kryptman Showing him its face… Or rather mouth.
*'''[[The Masque]]''': A Slaaneshi Daemonette. First appears in BRO TRIP 40,000: A Tale of Two Primarchs while attacking Catachan, apparently because an ample muscle harvest (shaped into Slaanesh's symbol) would please Slaanesh enough to end her (yes, a canon her) eternal damnation to unending dancing. After Corvus Corax batmans her she flees, due to their artificial muscles being displeasing to Slaanesh and fighting them not being worth potential banishment back to the Warp. Her motives lead her and an army of Daemonettes to the battle for the Gate of Khaine, where she implies some familiarity with Kaldor Drago before trying to bring him down, only to fail spectacularly.
*'''[[Skarbrand]]''': A "renegade" Khornate Bloodthirster; Khorne officially disowned him after he attempted to kill the Chaos God with a strike to the back, but still recognizes his talents. Skarbrand appears in the Warp Hijinks special as a victim of a ding-dong-ditch prank by Leman Russ and Fyodor. He refers to himself exclusively in the third person and, being a Bloodthirster, [[RAGE|hates literally everything]] (it didn't help that all emotions besides anger were throttled out of him by Khorne); when faced with the prospect being outside or inside after being pranked, he actually remains in the doorframe, which he hates '''''slightly''''' less. He later joins the Chaos Undivided daemon horde that assaulted Khaine's gate as it was being opened by the Inquisition's forces, where he further espouses his hatred against everything. Such as named characters, some of whom he fucking murders. Extremely open and vocal about his feelings, funnily enough. {{BLAM|SKARBRAND '''HATES''' MISCONCEPTIONS!}}
*'''[[Kairos Fateweaver]]''': A Tzeentchian Lord of Change. He still has two heads and the second, mottled one will constantly contradict the 'dominant' head while speaking (which Kairos neither seems to address nor notice). First appears during Russ and crew's rampage throughout the Warp, where he tries his usual "Knights and Knaves" shtick on Inquisitor Adrielle Quist - but since she's drunk, not listening and mistakes him for a Genestealer, he gets one of his faces fucked up for his troubles, and holds an eternal grudge against her due to that. Kairos reappears during the battle at Khaine's Gate, where he tries his damnedest to get even with Quist, but had to "settle" for destroying most of the Grey Knights, but his work was mistakenly attributed to Skarbrand, much to his eternal dismay. Funnily enough, he does more damage to Skarbrand than any of the Imperials completely by accident: Kairos' psyker powers hit Skarbrand while he fought Inquisitor Quist, his grudge briefly turning him into a [[Kharn|team-killing fucktard.]] Despite this, considering the rules Kairos follows (in official lore, his heads randomly switch which one lies and which one tells the truth, but one lying means the other must be truthful), that he can tell the future, and that the normally truthful head said "I will have my revenge" (which he didn't) while the normally lying head claimed to love Skarbrand... Kairos actually really does love Skarbrand.
*'''[[Epidemius]]''': A Nurglite Plaguebearer. Fitting for a daemon of Nurgle, he's incredibly polite even under duress, and cares significantly about the loss of his fellow daemons. First appears during Russ and crew's rampage throughout the Warp, where he was pelted into submission with hundreds of bars of soap and a bathtub. He later appears during the battle at Khaine's Gate with a retinue of [[Plaguebearers]], and was enraged when one of them was killed by the Deathwatch. He later commanded a charge against them that ended with most of the Deathwatch being slaughtered, while Wilford and Calato, the only survivors were forced to retreat.
*'''The [[C'tan]]''': The Necron's star gods seem to be wedging their way back into current affairs after being turned into [[Pokemon]] by their servants. Of all of them, only The Deceiver has made an appearance so far, the rest being confined to the paper puppet flashbacks (except when Decius brought up The Nightbringer when he was convincing the Ecclesiarchy that [[The Emperor|Easy-E]] isn't a god).
**[[The Deceiver]], when not playing Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker with the Emperor and pals, seems to be [[Just As Planned|pulling strings]] all around the Materium. Has a special interest in stopping Kaldor Draigo from returning to realspace. Presumably, because he would become the avatar of Matt Ward, the <strike>[[Malal|Fifth]]</strike> Sixth god of Choas, and bring utter ruination to the material realm before the C'tan can bring utter ruination to the material realm.
*'''Clancy''': The traitor menial of an Imperial Cruiser who wants to kill a Primarch, and is obnoxiously polite and civil about the entire affair. His plans fail when Vulkan, Corax and all the other ~~important~~ characters survive the shipwreck he engineered and capture him; his backup plan (Exterminatus from via some "pals" dropping a Virus bomb on Attila from orbit) ends up similarly falling short, though he does escape captivity. He later returns as a high-ranking Boardmember of Jopall's government, and through pulling some strings and making a contract that Corvus signs, entraps the party on the planet through debt. Makes his escape shortly before Corvus bursts in the room leading an army of rebelling Guardsmen.

=== Others ===

*'''[[Horus|FUCKING HORUS]]''': Appears in the April Fool's episode, where he breaks into the Emperor's throne room and incapacitates him. The Emperor declares Horus can't win because he's all alone, but says he isn't as he gathered allies while he was clawing his way out of The Warp, all of whom are some of the dead/retconned/obscure characters in the fluff: [[The Beast]] (an Ork who waged one of the most successful WAAAGH!s in human history), [[Goge Vandire]] (the man responsible for the worst chapter in Imperial history after the Horus Heresy), [[Sindri Myr]], the Megarachnids (a footnote insectoid race in the fluff, who were hunted to extinction by the Astartes in the Great Crusade), the [[Squats]] (we all ''know'' who they are), [[Herman von Strab]] (one of the most inept commanders the Imperium has ever seen, who met his end in the 3rd War of Armageddon), the [[Old Ones]], the Techno-Barbarians of olden Terra, 3ED [[Carnifex|Old One Eye]] and [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kXU14hkuSI SLY MARBOOO!] (*cue explosions*) He subsequently declares himself as the new Emperor. Later appeared for real in the second Q&A in the "Retconnian" with Malal and the Squats, and calms Malal's tantrum like a parent consoling a child.
*'''[[Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka]]''': Currently beating up the Overfiend of Octarius, as in official lore. It's still unknown where Ghazzy's gonna fit into things, though it will likely be to assemble all Orks into a single Great WAAAGH!! Also seems to love making bad jokes.
[[Image:Cyph.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Cypher]]''': He has a very vague, mysterious plot involving the planet Orior and its STCs. This seems to take place not long after the [[Fallen_Angels#Ophidium Gulf Crusade Incident|Ophidium Gulf Crusade Incident]], as the Dark Angels managed to locate him by tracking his ship. He also seems to be skilled at disguise, as he manages to just waltz right into the Thunderhawk behind Azrael without any further comment. He's on his way towards Mars with the Dark Angels. Sicced the Dark Angels on The Fabricator General for a prank video
*'''[[Gork]] and [[Mork]] (or was it Mork and Gork?)''': The two Ork gods. They're a couple of dumbfucks who argue with each other in other people's conversations on Spacebook, with Gork not actually knowing he's using the Interwarp and trying to figure out how to use it while already on it.

[[Image:Text Marines.jpg|thumb|right]]
[[Image:Eliphas.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Felinids]]''': [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUuvHPr4BGk The ultimate let-down.] Possible inspiration for the news Cats film.
*'''[[Necron]]s''': They appear initially in a mini-episode by Karl. Necrons all speak with low-quality Text to Speech devices, except for the Lords who can afford higher quality devices. (Wait, does this mean the Emperor's communicator is technically Xenotech?) Shennanigans ensue when an unnamed Necron Lord discovers that his lowly minions can't pronounce certain things, so now all necrons make roflcopter sounds as their war cries. '''SOI SOI MOTHERFUCKER'''
*'''[[Stormcast Eternals|Ground Marines]]''': Introduced as a short spoof episode after the release of [[Age of Sigmar]], a group of Ultramarines determined to bring their superior selves to the service of [[Sigmar|"other Emperors"]] enter a portal and come out transformed as Stormcast Eternals, their appearance crushing a small group of [[The Empire (Warhammer Fantasy)|Empire]] Flagellants. Text then appeared expressing condolences for [[Warhammer Fantasy]] fans. Although non-canon, it's a jab at Games Workshop's need to crowbar Space Marines everywhere ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-MzNpMD1K8 as the Stormcast Eternals largely resemble the Space Marines]. Heck, their posterboy group even takes after [[Ultramarines|The Greatest Of Them All]] with the blue, white, and gold color scheme).
*'''[[Eliphas The Inheritor]]''': Makes a cameo in the second Q&A episode having sent a letter to the Emperor saying "Dear Corpse Emperor, Furk You." The episode then cuts to him laughing manically thinking he's so clever before the Emperor psychically punches him, promptly shutting him up.

*'''Ahriman 2.0''': [[Fabius Bile]]'s horribly disfigured clone of Ahzek Ahriman which he unveiled in the Slaaneshmas special, much to Lucius and the original Ahriman's horror. Fabius claimed it was a "work-in-progress", something which caused the clone to become so enraged that it psychically self-destructed moments after.
*'''The [[Angry Marines]]''': ''Might'' exist in the TTS-verse, but nobody knows for sure. "Angry Marines" was a popular answer in a poll on which loyalist chapter best embodies the concept of hatred, but nobody in the Imperial Palace knows who this might be referring to, and it was speculated that it may simply be a nickname. Either way, they were beaten by several other chapters, most notably the Black Templars and the [[Marines Malevolent]].
*'''[[Hassan]]''': First appeared in the Chaos Descends series attempting to sell camels to two of the main characters in the middle of nowhere, eventually convincing them to put up flyers for his business as a form of payment. He later appears in the main series, apparently having sold camels to the Ultramarines at some point.

*'''Voldorius''': An unfortunate Daemon Prince which got the attention of the Pillarstodes after reading about him in one of the books they got from the Black Library. They along with the Emperor and Rogal Dorn publicly mock him for being completely ineffective and incompetent to the point of having to rely on his subordinates to do everything for him.
*'''Uriah Olathaire:''' Yes, its the old man that the Emprah had a theological debate during [[The Last Church]]. His soul was summoned from The Warp by The Emperor, who was horrified that he turned into a Chaos worshiper. Ironically he is perfectly sane despite following Chaos. Unlike their first encounter, this time he actually IS a theologian and can shut down the Emperor's rather sophomoric arguments easily. He worships Chaos Undivided and paints them in a more neutral, legitimately non-malevolent light, highlighting how humanity needs Chaos to stay human and how Chaos needs humanity to continue to exist, making it a mutually-beneficial relationship. He originally wanted to justify the existence of Chaos, but due to the Emprah being a dick; he got fed up and instead started calling him on the hypocrisy of his Imperium and his ideals, such as his constant use of religious iconography and terms (despite wanting a secular empire), essentially doing the same thing old terran religions did to propagate their influence (although with a higher death count), among other things. He was eventually banished back into The Warp after dissing the holiness of the taco.
*'''Alfa Legion:''' Some of the creator's 40k self-inserts into 40K appear in Episode 10 after Emps makes an oddly specific remark about how "THERE COULD EVEN BE CHAPTERS CONSORTING AND ACCEPTING BOTH XENOS AND CHAOS WORSHIPPERS INTO THEIR RANKS. MAYBE EVEN CHAPTERS SO FUCKING RECLUSIVE AND HISTORICALLY INEPT THAT THEIR MERE EXISTENCE SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A DISGUSTINGLY HORRIBLE AND SHITTY FANFICTION." Taking the main TTS reaction thread into consideration, '''EMPS WAS ONE OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''' Currently have their souls contained in a box owned by Magnus, while [[Indrick Boreale|Boreale]] and [[Apollo Diomedes|Diomedes]] have become Magnus' idiot pets.
*'''Asterion Moloc:''' [[Minotaurs]] Chapter Master who appears briefly towards the end of the Slaaneshmas special, pwning a Tau with a Chaos Terminator.

==The Order of The Primarchs' Returns==
During the season 3 intro, the silhouettes the miniatures of all the primarchs seems to appear in the order they will first enter the show, as the order roughly corresponds with their actual in-series appearances so far, though this may just be the order of their apearances, not the order in which they return...

* [[Rogal Dorn]] - Around since the beginning of the series, although we don't find out it's Dorn until Episode 20.
* [[Magnus]] - Pops up in Episode 13 after being captured by the Ultrasmurfs.
* [[Vulkan]] - Returns after Cato Sicarius delivers the remaining Lost Artifacts of Vulkan in Episode 20.
* [[Leman Russ]] - Appears in the Warp in Episode 21, after Magnus banished the Inquisitors there in Episode 18.
* [[Corvus Corax]] - Can be heard attempting to get out of a building on Nocturne at the End of Episode 21, and appears in person during Episode 25.
* [[Ferrus Manus]]- Appears as a <s>'brainghost'</s> SKHOST in Vulkan's head when Vulkan returns at the beginning of Episode 20. Vulkan claims in the Bro Trip spinoff that he isn't the real Ferrus.
* [[Lion El'Jonson]] - Not yet featured, but Rogal Dorn might know where he is. Then again, maybe not. This IS The Lion we're talking about after all. Taking current events into consideration, he maybe awakening soon.
* [[Jaghatai Khan]] - Talked about extensively in Episode 24 and the White Scar podcast. The Ultramarines are on the rescue! Appears on a bike in Commorragh in Episode 29.
* [[Angron]] - Hasn't appeared in person, though Lucius mentions he and Kharn may be out on business.
* [[Perturabo]] - Hasn't appeared in person, but was prominently featured in a flashback in Episode 24.
* [[Lorgar]] - given a roasting in Episode 2, but nothing of note since then.
* [[Mortarion]] - A couple of jokes have been made at his expense, but he has yet to appear except in a brief flashback where he fell down the stairs.
* [[Fulgrim]] - Hasn't appeared in person, although he did contact Lucius the Eternal to inform him about Abbadon's 13th Black Crusade.
* [[Alpharius]] & [[Omegon]] - Emps refers to them as if they are one person.
* [[Konrad Curze]] - A few mentions, but it is safe to assume Konrad may not reappear in the current era. Emps briefly flashes back to a decision Konrad made that unwittingly starts off the whole Inquisition tyranny; a small portion of his appearance is seen during this flashback.
* [[Roboute Guilliman]] - No appearances, although occasionally referred to in the form of The Emperor demanding his life support being cut off. Hilarious in hindsight, given the events of Gathering Storm.
* [[Sanguinius]] - appeared in vision form during the Flesh Eater short and was spoken of at the end of the second Q&A, Episode 18.5 (may or may not consider the Sanguinor appearing as his first appearance)
* [[Horus]] - No appearances in the main series, although he has been seen in the April Fools and the second Q&A.
* The two missing Primarchs are asked about once but the emperor simply states "We don't talk about those guys"

==Main Theme Lyrics==
'''WE ARE THE GODS OF THE NEW WORLD ORDER.'''

'''WE ARE THE SOLDIERS, THE LEGION OF LIGHT.'''

'''WE ARE THE CENTER, THE DEATH OF THE SUN (SON).'''

'''FIRE AND FLAME.'''

'''WE ARE ONE.'''

(excerpt credit: Triarii - We Are One)

==Trivia==
* The Emperor's motivation for creating the Human Webway was obtaining [[Love Can Bloom|Eldar prostitutes]], and was afraid the Primarchs would [[Penitent Engine|tie him up]] [[Inquisition|if they heard about it]]. The other benefits were an afterthought.
* The Emperor's nose is plagued by a phantom-itch, courtesy of Nurgle. Tzeentch <s>believes</s> Believed the frustration will cause him to explode, destroying humanity and causing him to become a new Chaos God. He has since realize that the emperor is resigned to this. And as back up gave magnus the suggestion seen below.
* The Emperor firmly believes in Taco Friday, whereas Dorn believes in Taco Tuesday. This disagreement causes a minor civil war (A.K.A. the TTS-Version of the Dornian Heresy). Magnus ups the ante by believing that [[Warp|Taco ''Tuesday'' should be on ''Friday'']].
* The Emperor (officially) did not create any [[Female Space Marines]] because "girls are yucky." It is implied the real reason he didn’t is because Slaanesh ruined the idea.
* The Emperor's left eye was accidentally poked out by Rogal Dorn's iron halo while attaching him to the Golden Throne. However, in older depictions of the Emperor's duel with Horus, it was one of the wounds inflicted upon him (he also broke many bones, burned the Emperor's hair, poisoned him, etc.).
* Some of the Emperor's previous personas included Moses, Michael Jackson, Robert Downey Jr., and [[Chris-Chan]]. All these, especially the latter shows just how much of a troll Big E is.
* The Emperor's shattered psyche can access knowledge of the 4th wall. This is not always available.
* The Emperor approves of the Tau in theory, although in practice only those willing to engage in melee. So basically just the [[Farsight|Farsight Enclaves]].
* In fact, the Emperor is fine with tolerating any xenos that aren't a threat to mankind. Absolute eradication is unnecessary if regulation suffices.
* Despite his intentions for the Imperial Truth involving suffocating the Chaos Gods, the Emperor's attempts at atheism were in fact making [[Necoho|an actual god of disbelief]]... according to Magnus.
* The Emperor can shape the [[Astronomicon]] so that he can flip the bird to the rest of the galaxy.
* Has a known hobby: Plays a children's card game (Yu-Gi-Oh) with a clearly cheesy, overpowered and unfair deck... that, like most [[cheese]], was destroyed as soon as it came across a hard counter. [[Horus Heresy|Apparently Emprah still hasn't learnt the lesson about why using OP stuff is a very bad idea.]] It later turns out that Tzeentch is the only person he can play with. Tzeentch's deck is similarly cheesy, but relies more on combos. Both of them also make heavy use of banned cards and have a rather... loose grasp on the actual rules.
* The Emperor has called for a second Council of Nikea. This one has nothing to do with Magnus; ironically, it's centered on the Space ''Corgis'', and the fact that the [[wikipedia:Woodland Critter Christmas|friendly woodland critters]] of Fenris that the Wolves commune with are actually daemons. We've yet to see Magnus' and Leman Russ' reaction to the news, but it's guaranteed to be hilarious.
* He has also ordered [[Logan Grimnar]] to deliver presents to all the good little boys and girls in the Imperium on Sanguinala.
* While he has a number of colorful insults for his subordinates, including the primarchs, he also has pet names for his sons, such as "my little Magnymagic", "RogalyDonDon", and "my Fabulous Fucking Hawk-Boy".
* The First Founding was originally named the [[Only Founding]], and was renamed after [[Codex Astartes|Guilliman's fuck up]].
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RuE2waTrXKk The Emperor disapproves of the saying "Life is the Emperor's currency"].
* The Emperor's flaming sword sounds like a squeaky toy hammer (at least when he bashed Tzeentch's faces in).
* Magnus identifies with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
* The Emperor believes gold is the greatest color of them all, and that all other colors are equally inferior.
** He likely doesn't consider Platinum to be a true color in that case.
* There is a chance that the popularity of TTS has influenced Warhammer Gaming as a whole. Every big Warhammer game that has come out since TTS has had cutscenes somewhat similar to those of the series, and actual canon for 40k has progressed in a generally similar direction. Some have accused Games Workshop of copying what they like from it, while others say the series inspired GW writers to get off their asses and make something actually new.
** [[Aaron Dembski-Bowden]] is [https://www.reddit.com/r/Warhammer/comments/7igatt/im_aaron_dembskibowden_ask_me_anything/dqykv2l/ confirmed to be "a big fan" of TTS], actually. Ironically, he started watching it after people drew comparisons between Master of Mankind and the series.
** Furthering the influence, Alfa made an entire episode of the TTS cast playing [[Stellaris]] at the behest of that game's devs. It is about as disastrous as expected.
* Reading the book ''Inquisitor'' by [[Ian Watson]] causes disgust and trauma to several of the characters present, in no small part due to [[Jaq Draco]] constantly lusting after his [[Callidus]] assassin disguised as a [[genestealer]], as well as the overly long description of the Slaaneshi planet in the Eye of Terror. Even Boy has horrifying visions in his missing eye after what he's experienced. Karstodes, on the other hand, seems to have confused it with an exceptionally weird ''[[Harry Potter]]'' story in a bout of impressive illiteracy, while Magnus seems to halfway enjoy the reading, even if only to riff off several of the excerpts and provide a contrast to the less-than-enthusiastic approach of the others present.
** Additionally, there are apparently in-universe surviving records of fucking [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stanley_Kubrick Stanley Kubrick] briefly considering adapting Draco as his next movie. This is based on the movie ''A.I. Artificial Intelligence'' coming about partly because of a 90-page treatment written by [[Ian Watson]] under Kubrick's supervision, a fact brought up several times throughout the podcast, along with [http://www.visual-memory.co.uk/amk/doc/0094.html Kubrick seriously considering Inquisition for his next movie]. Interestingly, this makes Kubrick one of the oldest known historical figures in the TTS-verse, although his name has been corrupted over the millennia.
* Ever wondered what Big E and the Primarchs would do if they saw this hilariously bizarre version of their future? Someone named Preator98 on Space Battles does. Hence the 40k fanfiction based on the 40k fanfiction known as [https://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/if-the-emperor-watched-the-text-to-speech-device.408752/ If the Emperor watched the Text To Speech Device] was born! Follow the threadmarks to read the whole thing, and go to the [https://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/if-the-emperor-watched-tts-extras-thread.508247/ Extras Thread] to read more Primach/Emperor reactions to other fanfics such as the [[Alternate Heresy|Roboutian Heresy]].

==Gallery==
===Quotes and snippets===
<gallery>
Image:Text To Heresy.png| If [[/d/]] still existed in 40k you can bet the Emperor would purge it.
Image:NotCanonShout.gif| What happens whenever someone mentions Shadowsun around Kitten.
Image:EmperorSureal.gif| Emp's reaction to most things that have happened to the Imperium.
Image:EmperorDisgraceful.gif| Likewise.
Image:EmperorPunchesTzeentch.gif| The Emperor taking out his frustration on a certain [[Tzeentch|indecisive mollusk]].
Image:MagnusRant.gif| Magnus is not a fan of the Imperium's general intelligence levels.
Image:DeciusHatBoner.gif| What passes for "Religious Ecstasy" in the Ecclesiarchy.
Image:UltraFucknCrying.gif| Calgar's disappointment over the flanderization of the Ultramarines is palpable.
Image:PillarstodesEntrance.gif| [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUhVCoTsBaM| *Cue Awaken.mp3*]
Image:AhrimanEXCUSEME.gif| Ahriman is a very grumpy boss.
Image:SlaaneshPatrol.gif| If you hear EDM outside, don't answer the door. EVER.
Image:HighLordsIllegal.gif| The High Lords in a nutshell.
Image:SuddenlyDaemons.gif| Magnus' original fuckup barely fazed him at the time.
Image:EmperorSpanking.jpg| The Emperor is the ideal father figure.
Image:UltraSmurfingNecrons.gif| Calgar engaging in a little Ultraviolence.
Image:RussWolfWarfare.jpg| Leman Russ' version of the infamous Navy Seal Copypasta.
</gallery>

===Fanart===
<gallery>
Image:NOT CANON.png|Kitten with his TOTALLY NOT CANON girlfriend [[Shadowsun]].
File:Kitten and shadowsun tragic story by khornez.jpg|''Tale as old as time...''
File:KittenCustodesbyAdeptusAdamaris.jpg|Turns out the nickname wasn't an accident.
File:NotCanonbyMagnifical.jpg
File:Luscious lucius prankz gone heretical 2016 by sexual yeti.png
File:TTS Rogal by eightball6219.jpg|When a tech-priest asks for a toaster, you give him a damn toaster!
</gallery>

==External Links==

* [https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLyiDf91_bTEgnBN0jAvzNbqzrlMGID5WA The entire series.]
* [https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/WebAnimation/IfTheEmperorHadATextToSpeechDevice TV Tropes's page, for extra references.]
* [http://if-the-emperor-had-a-texttospeech-device.wikia.com/wiki/If_The_Emperor_Had_a_Text-To-Speech_Device_Wiki And a whole wiki to cover the show, too]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqbQ_oKmflM A remix cover of the ending theme by StringStorm, check his other remixes too.]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzPuK1vib_c Not content with his first remix, StringStorm made a second one.]

[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]]

If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device

2021-03-08T10:41:20Z

2A02:1811:5185:DD00:4437:1569:764C:54A3: /* Team Emperor */

{{Cleanup}}
{{Spoilers}}
[[File:If-the-emperor.png|500px|right|thumb|]]
{{Topquote|'''The LORD:'''<br>"You've nothing more to say to me? You come but to complain unendingly? Is never aught right to your mind?"<br>'''Mephistopheles:'''<br>"No, Lord! All is still downright bad, I find.|Goethe's Faust, Prologue in Heaven.}}

A Youtube series created by Bruva Alfabusa, the show follows the exploits of [[Emprah]] himself in his quest to bring the Imperium of Man to its former glory, helped by the Captain-General of the [[Adeptus Custodes]] (nicknamed "Little Kitten"[[C'tan|...ha]] by his disrespectful underlings), Magnus the Red (now both ensouled and forgiven), and a hilarious cast of other major 40k characters. The series has become a huge success mostly by poking fun at many of the memes, traditions, and quirks of the 40k universe and the fandom, but also by some very awesome scenes, and, of course, great music. This shit has become so popular that it has its own fanfiction (one of which ended up gaining multiple meta-Fanfictions of its own (Does that make them a fanfic... within a fanfic... within what's essentially the video version of a fanfic?)), and there's even a few quotes from the show scattered through the affected characters' pages here. Seriously.

Most fans agree that, while a wild and very unserious take on the 40k universe, and the episodes are often littered with injokes (to the point of one regarding Magnus's VA taking up an entire special), the plot itself isn't actually that outlandish. If the Emps would wake up, it's pretty much a given that he would remove the worst parts of the Inquisition in short order, as well as enacting extensive reforms throughout the rest of the Imperial bureaucracy, while probably being an ass, as he always was. The unsure part is if the Emps would have learned from his 10,000 years of mistakes, which the series believes he has, deep inside. Doesn't help his [[Rage|temper]] though. Ultimately, the 40k universe in its infancy was also originally very wild, unserious, and full of injokes.

The series began back during the unending plot stagnation that had happened between third and seventh, though now that the plot's actually begun to move forward for a change, the series has seen some events unfold that mirror or reference the ongoing advancement of the official 40k plot.

The so-called "TTS-verse" also includes Karl the Deranged's series [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5enLrHSMuIs Chaos Descends], and Eliphas the Inheritor's [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1cXYan0NQA Behemoth] trilogy. "Specials" are slated for story content that takes place outside the throne room. The show also has an in-character podcast that reviews [[Black Library]] books called ''If The Emperor Had a Podcast.'' As in, they go to the Webway Black Library, and pick up books published by GW's Black Library.

In July 2020, a spin-off of the spin-off series ''Bro-Trip 40,000'' was launched. The series, known as [https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLWK8vQC22MgykekzOVpFanOREYV7cY9pL ''WarHams''], consists of tabletop sessions played in [[Wrath and Glory]] with some of the voice actors and writers of TTS.

==Dramatis Personae==
Starting off with a few characters, the series has evolved to encompass a fuckton of major and minor characters, with their own small arcs and all. It's not quite [[Order of the Stick|OotS]] level, but it's getting there.

===Team Emperor===
[[Image:Pleased Emprah.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Emperor of Mankind]]''': The Emprah, who's now able to verbally communicate with people after Techpriests installed a text-to-speech device on his throne. Do you know how Roboute Guilliman is a 'jerk with a heart of gold'? Well the Emperor is a massive frothing plasteel power ceramite spiked dickbag with tourettes and a heart of gold/platinum alloy <s>studded with diamonds</s> that menaces with spikes of diamond. Is currently planning to rebuild the Imperium after hearing the clusterfuck of stories from his Captain-General caretaker. He also has a pet [[Centurion Squad|Centurion]] (who turns out to be rather an important person of the Primarchial variety), which he finds adorable, while finding [[Dreadknight]]s abominable.

He is a jerk, frequently insulting the Captain-General with little reason other than he can (and because it's funny), and dialogue with Magnus implies he's always been a prick. Nonetheless he is ultimately a sympathetic character who wanted to create a better future for humanity and the comedic outrage he displays at all the bad news he gets is justified given how he frequently hears about costly victories that could have been avoided if the men in charge were less incompetent and how the Imperium has been destroying itself (usually because of the Inquisition).

The Emperor has a new plan for defeating Chaos after the "starve them out by getting rid of religion" plan didn't work, but like before, he refuses to tell anyone what that plan is (although this time around, it's apparently not because he doesn't trust anyone, but because he doesn't want to spoil the surprise. Though it's probably sending the Ultramarines to destroy Chaos). As of certain revelations post-Gathering Storm, he's definitely a lot nicer than canon Emprah. Such as getting incredibly furious when he hears that the Inquisition has been murdering his people, reading Rogal a bedtime story (which, naturally, is a guidebook to being an architect) and such. This Emperor seems to honestly care about each individual human but accepts that his decisions cannot be based on that compassion.

**'''The Star Child''': Spoiler alert on this one, but Emps on Terra isn't the only part of Emps still sticking around. If the foreshadowing is anything to go by, he seems to be the largest non-Throne fragment of the Emperor's soul that contains his compassion and love for mankind. Saved the remainder of the Inquisition and Leman Russ from Skarbrand and is currently hijacking Fyodor's body in order to get back to the Material Realm.

[[Image:Sad Kitten.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''Custodes Captain-General (aka Kitten (Real Name: Captain-General Kittonius etc. etc. etc. (as far as Spacebattle’s concerned)))''': Captain-General of the [[Adeptus Custodes]] and the only <s>Custodes</s> [[Companion|Hetaeron]] who appears to have retained most of his sanity after the near-death of the Emperor (as can be seen in the latest episodes, the rest of the Custodes seem to have maintained some form of balance). He serves as both the Emperor's personal caretaker and assistant, and pretty much the only person he regularly talks to and his main link to the outside world.

Generally, the only person the Emperor trusts and treats like a son, albeit constantly berating him whenever he does something stupid, or because he just feels like it. He also seriously hates [[Tau]]. One episode implies that it is because [[Shadowsun]] spurned him for the Greater Go'''OHISWEARTOFUCK THAT WAS ''NOT'' FUCKING CANON!''' He is named ''Little Kitten'' by his fellow Custodes, for "purring his way so far into their ranks", but his real name is a long seemingly nonsensical word salad supposedly based on his accomplishments...

But given how he's been stuck in the palace for the last ten thousand years said accomplishments include things like "Goldilocks-Sunshine-Graham-Corncob". His frequent emotional outbursts despite the supposed emotionless state of the Custodes is intentional and played for humor. After being forced out of the position of the caretaker by his fellow Custodes, Kitten fell into a depression, to which Magnus ominously is taking advantage of by making Kitten his ally in making the Imperium great again and totally not get back at the old man.

So far all he has done was kill a bunch of Lacrymoles that were impersonating the High Lords of Terra. It has been revealed that his uncanny knowledge of the outside world (considering the hate of knowledge in the Imperium in general) could come from the Black Library itself. Has become a master of [[Paradox poker|Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker]] (which is literally just [[Yu-Gi-Oh]] here), defeating not only the Emperor (because of his refusal to unplug Guilliman) but also Tzeentch of all things. <s>He has recently been turned silver</s> by Tzeentch while playing a children's card game (again) and winning over Magnus the Red’s soul.

As of Episode 27, GLORIOUS GOLDEN ARMOR RESTS UPON HIS BREAST ONCE AGAIN, albeit with a bit of silver. In episode 25, the duo arrived on Nocturne and went to 'borrow' the Engine of Woes. At this point, Magnus accidentally kills Vulkan with the engine, which releases Corvus Corax, who was in there the whole time. The Salamanders and Corvus quickly became hostile to Magnus, however, so he teleported himself and Kitten away. He later gets lost in the warp, encounters Crotalids, and plays COD with Apollo Diomedes and Indrick Boreale.

He's now on Mars in order to find and retrieve the Proteus Protocol, a mythical technology that can supposedly bring back Big E, with a retinue of Custodes (including the most FABULOUS dreadnaught in the entire Imperium). Sadly did not appear in Special 6, when the gang played <s>Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay</s> D&D. He and his Custodes henchmen defeat the Fabricator-General in a song-battle and learn the location of the Proteus Protocol in Ep. 28, before his underlings finally accept him and let him know that being cuddly and kindhearted is exactly what the Custodes and the Imperium need in the 42nd millennium (after all, the Imperium has enough warriors. What it really needs is a DADDY).

**Is most likely ''not'' Constantin Valdor or Trajann Valoris, given the latter didn't exist when the series was first made and the former's fate is unknown in the canon. The entire point of the running gag regarding his name is likely to distance himself from any of the canon Captain-Generals. However, it is worth noting that the armor he starts wearing as of EP27 is directly based on Valoris' miniature, though with silver parts thanks to Tzeentch's sorcery, and with the feather on his armor replaced with one of Magnus' instead.
**Episode 28 puts the matter to rest: He is NOT Constantin Valdor or Trajann Valoris. However, according to official GW canon, a Centurion named Longinus was the one who took St. Alicia Dominica and her bodyguards into the Sanctum Imperialis during the Age of Apostasy- something Kitten also did in Ep. 3 or of the same name. It stands to reason that Kitten is Longinus, then.

*'''[[Magnus the Red]]''': The closest thing to a sane person besides the Captain-General (who plays the straight man depending on the situation), and occasionally plays "devil's advocate" as a result. He was retrieved from wherever within the Warp by the sheer plot-armor-powered efforts of [[Cato Sicarius]] and then brought to the Golden Throne, followed by the Emperor bullying [[Tzeentch]] in order to steal back Magnus' soul.

Touched, he somehow managed to forgive the Emperor (sort of) and decided to help the Emps with his plan to fix the Imperium, but Emps being a jerk to him is starting to test his patience. The shiny new bike he was given helped with their reconciliation... buuuut, Emprah being Emprah, it didn't take long enough to start insulting and mocking Magnus back and forth constantly. (Nice Dad skills, really). He may not be actively working for Chaos anymore, but he also quickly runs out of patience with his father and is attempting to fix the Imperium without his help, partly because he has serious doubts about his current sanity (which is kind of justified), and partly just to spite him.

Fortunately, as a Primarch and a particularly knowledgeable one at that, Magnus can probably get it done just fine on his own. Magnus turns into a [[neckbeard]]ed daemon cyclops [http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/mediawiki/images/9/9a/MagnusEpic.jpg that is a bit reminiscent of his] old [[Epic]] model, whenever he enters [[rage]] mode - usually prompted by any mention of [[furries|Space Wolves]], causing him to flashback to the Burning of [[Prospero]]. He's currently undertaking some obscure schemes with the unwitting aid of the Captain-General Kitten, including the attempted assassination of the [[High Lords of Terra]] and "borrowing" the Engine of Woes from Nocturne.

While playing with an ouija board on board a ship with Kitten, Tzeentch arrives to "reclaim" custody of him from his "abusive" father and morphs him back into his Daemon Prince form. It took Kitten playing a child's card game (again) with Tzeentch to keep Magnus out of his clutches. On the other hand, Magnus is stuck in his Daemon Prince form while Kitten theoretically owns his soul (much to his embarrassment and dismay). In episode 25, the <s>couple</s>'''Partners*''' arrived on Nocturne and went to 'borrow' the Engine of Woes. Magnus decides to sneak into the base instead of using his OP invisibility though after a bit of poking at Kitten (it involves Tau, guaranteed to piss him off) then decides to go yell in a North England accent at a guard.

The Engine of Woes, a green hatchback car (<s>the infamous Fiat Multipla</s> a Smart Fortwo) then released Corvus Corvax after Magnus killed Vulkan for hugging him, prompting the entire chapter of the Salamanders to pop up and become very hostile with Magnus (which basically equates to ''purposefully'' hugging you so hard your spine snaps, instead of accidentally doing so). Corax isn't happy either, as he was released from his super dark hole after thousands of years, which forces Magnus to teleport himself and Kitten away.

Vulkan suddenly super healed himself again and wants to hunt/hug Magnus. Later, when Kitten chooses his <s>army list</s> delegation for the trip to Mars, Magnus seems to embrace his inner neckbeard in a different way. After Kitten went on his trip, he met the Emperor to inform him about their return, and as predicted earlier, he was bombarded with chicken jokes instantly. Surprisingly enough, Dorn was the one who complimented him on his new visage. Dawwww... [[Extra Heresy|Magnus controversially thinks Taco Tuesdays should be held on Fridays While still being called Taco Tuesdays.]]

Currently perusing the Black Library for any mention of Cypher. <s>This means we’ll probably see him next around episode 50 as he’ll inevitably get sidetracked and read every book in the Black Library in his incessant thirst for knowledge.</s> Nevermind, [[Cegorach]] showed up to stop them from doing anything and instead challenged Magnus to a comedy battle in front of a Harlequin Troupe. This went about as well as one would expect, with Magnus' dry, cynical sense of 'humor' being beaten out by Cegorach's somehow even more horrid sense of 'humor' involving copious amounts of dead memes that would probably result in Cegorach's immediate strike from a banhammer would he be on /tg/. Magnus nearly commits unintentional suicide though due to using way too much self-deprecative humor (as such comedy causes people's souls to die and wither away and since Magnus is a Warp projection this nearly kills him, like dead dead. But Cegorach calls the battle a draw after some convincing and deal-making with the Fabulous Custode and sends him to help [[Eldrad]] awaken [[Ynnead]] instead...

**Magnus is quite fond of tabletop games and created a decent character, Magnar Buckethead, for an upcoming game with the rest of the delegation, spending a week writing his backstory. But since only he and the Grand Provost Marshal read the rules, he had to be GM. Then he used Buckethead as a starting NPC that gave a first quest for the characters of his comrades, only to get brutally killed afterwards due to horrible decisions.

Seeing his character [[your_dudes|on whos creation he spent so much effort]] getting [[Khorne|Bled]], [[Tzeentch|Backstabbed]], [[Nurgle|Being thrown shit at (literally)]] and [[Slaanesh|Mutilated]] naturally enraged him. Compounded with all the rest of the rail-breaking the party committed on his eloquently-crafted plot, he spent the rest of the campaign he trying to get other characters killed in various ways and failing.

*<s>'''[[Rogal Dorn]]'''</s> '''Lord Ador(n)able:''' Primarch of the [[Imperial Fists]]. Is revealed as the Emperor's personal Centurion, with whom he had nightly cuddling sessions prior to his reveal. He came out of hiding after Kitten brought up the topic of discussing the [[Space Wolves]], where he vehemently suggested not to discuss the Wolves to prevent Magnus from spazzing out. His extreme bluntness is shown to be less because he is an asshole and more because he is extremely oblivious and literal-minded and his stubbornness, a trait ingrained also in his legion, grants him such a closed-minded view and lack of understanding of social situations that he almost always fails to read sub-texts or commonly understood jokes/innuendos.

Then again, given at one point he drops his stoic facade to chuckle at the Emperor being hypocritical about skeleton worship (while claiming his favorite humor is actually the analysis of reality, e.g. "Slapping your hands together to make noise is a strange way of expressing praise"), he could just be trolling everyone by acting the laconic fool in response to "fool-proof" metaphors. Additionally, in episode 24 it is greatly implied he is fully aware of everything going on, including the Emperor's plans, implying he has some form of "super-sanity". Or maybe it's due to using a fucking chainsword to scratch his head.

Before his disappearance, he used to consult his "magic pain glove" until his hand fell off. Despite his eccentricities and his probable inability to understand sarcasm, he can still make surprisingly lucid observations such as that the End Times are coming and that not even the Chaos Gods will survive the inevitable heat death of the entire universe. He even manages to, perhaps unwittingly, [https://youtu.be/ihskUz0obzY?t=390 deliver one of the sickest burns yet on the Emperor], leaving him speechless.

Actually, nearly every line he spouts is full of unintentional hilarity. Is fully capable of "The Laughter". Also believes fully that the "Taco Tuesday" is the true path, and disbelieves that "Taco Friday" is a thing, accusing his father of being a liar for implementing such a belief, making Rogal start the "[http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/heresy/thedornianheresy.pdf Dornian Heresy]", end of the taco Friday, and possibly the end of Emps---{{BLAM}} Very protective of Boy, to the point of actually becoming emotional at the prospect of him being traumatized, and also willing to risk a fortified window or two in order to chuck the Pillar-stodes from them should they keep threatening the child.

As of Episode 12, most major characters "bend" while they are moving, as opposed to them just moving statically like in earlier episodes. Dorn is the only major character who does not do this. Makes sense, knowing the guy.

*'''Boy''': A young serf boy who operates the voxcaster during the Emperor's podcasts and sort of tagalong kid. He has another name, but because he was too slow in saying it, The Emperor decreed that his name is "Boy". Originally incredibly meek and timid due to serving Big E himself, he has recurrent bouts of hyperventilation and anxiety, he later starts to grow a spine and become more self-confident while also becoming physically stronger due the need of walking from his hab-block to the Inner Sanctum while skipping through the throngs of pilgrims at the Palace, avoiding deadly booby-traps and scaling the stairs to the Throneroom.

Apart from operating the vox caster, his other role is representing the knowledge of the average Imperial citizen, which is unsurprisingly abysmal due the lack of education (or in the case of some people, the need to make up for comprehensive education). Has become more intelligent due to Dorn (who had quickly grown fond of him) tutoring him to the point of summarizing the Black Templars in their entirety based on vague information and pointing out chapter flaws AND possibly [[Chapter Master (game)|immense numbers of Chaplains and Apothecaries of which even the High-Marshal apparently was not aware off]], [[Administratum|nor the Emperor & company noticed]]. Is friends with Billy, and in the process of bonding with Magnus the Red of all people due being similarly one-eyed and capable to see horrific warp phenomena (though he has since had a cybernetic replacement installed in the socket).

Additionally, he wishes to be an Astartes, and due to the fact that there's a Chapter of them who keeps their Star-Fortress Monastery parked in orbit most of the time with their [[Rogal Dorn|Primarch]] being basically his adoptive father, it isn't that far fetched. He managed to get the only surviving [[Warhammer_40,000/Tactics/Talons_of_the_Emperor_(30k)#HQ|Tribune]] to dawww at his child-like wonder, and told the Shield-Captain to [[Imperial Guard|"Eat the death-porridge, sir!"]]

Also he kicked and beat his Overseer to death for being demeaning to him and threatening to murder his entire family and all his associates; because said Overseer simply couldn't imagine a mere novice would be allowed in the Emperor's presence and believed he was outrageously lying and blaspheming. In the process though, he had his eardrums blown out by the Overseer's Ass-Hailer security guard (and here too got cybernetic replacements afterwards). It appears he lived in a district close to an outpost of the [[Skaven|"underground rattie imperigum"]], hinting the Great Horned Rat and the Skaven may have truly managed to invade the 40k reality, probably thanks to the use of transdimensional Gnawholes gone awry. He (and presumably his family) now live in the Sanctum.

He quickly became a mascot for the populace of the Empire as a whole and as of Episode 29 has officially become a character in the primary series.

===Imperials (So sorta good guys)===
[[Image:Pillar-Stodes.png|thumb|right|From right to left: Wamuudes, Custodisi, and Karstodes.]]
*'''The Pillar-stodes (Wamuudes, Custodisi, and Karstodes)''': Some of the Emperor's personal companions from the Great Crusade days, and the current Tribunes of the Adeptus Custodes. As far as the main TTS-Reaction thread's concerned, their real names are Karius Dolman, Disistan Flavius, and Whamusus Balik.After his interment into the Golden Throne, the rest of the Custodes have shed their armor as a sign of mourning.

This, however, has also caused them to become fabulous hedonists, which greatly disturbs the Emperor. Not only do they somehow not take it to a Slaaneshi-tier extreme, they actually despise Slaaneshi daemons the most, much to the Emperor's confusion. They also have no respect for their Captain General and don't even seem to remember that he's their superior, actually [[Just As Planned|taking away his job as the emperor's caretaker by doing something for him]]. They constantly slip innuendos into their conversations, much to the discomfort of everyone involved, except for Rogal (who is too literal-minded to notice).

A running gag with them is that whenever the Pillarstodes come into a scene, they would dynamically jump in from nowhere with their own [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUhVCoTsBaM personal theme song], and also make obscure Jojo references at times. The three Pillarstodes' appearances are based on the Pillar Men from [[JoJo's Bizarre Adventure]]: Battle Tendency; a group of fabulously well-built, half-naked Aztec vampire demigods seeking immortality. They do have discernible personalities; the one who makes all the innuendo, the one obsessed with greasing his body parts, and the one who isn't the other two.

Two (Custodisi and Wamuudes) wind up encountering Cegorach in front of the Black Library. They manage to gain entrance and retrieve a surprising amount of literature on the White Scars, but are traumatized by the Laughing God & are mentally exhausted from sifting through so much knowledge. Apparently, Cegorach was quite scary, as they are terrified after hearing his "[BAZINGA]" cue; although it may simply be a reference to that one time when two Harlequins managed to enter the Imperial Palace and slaughtered a shit load of Custodes while claiming to have come in peace and simply want to deliver a message to the Emperor (and the best is that [[Heresy|one of them was saved by the Inquisition]] [[Extra Heresy|in the name of inter-species friendship]], in spite of the Captain-General being hell-bent on killing both), so it is actually no surprise at all that some Custodes have got massive traumas.

Recently, after the trip to the Black Library, Custodisi and Wamuudes have been semi-corrupted and began spouting Khornate speech and wishing to genocide the normies in the anger intervention against Helbrecht, high marshal of the [[Black Templars]]. (Actually, back in 2nd edition where you could play <s>Chaos</s>{{BLAM|'''REDACTED'''}} bands in an RPG fashion style, there was a tiny possibility for your lord of Choas to be a Custodes! So, <s>Chaos</s>{{BLAM|'''REDACTED'''}} Custodes are (were) canon... and compared to modern Geedubs, this show relies quite a lot on old [[fluff]]). Recently, Custodisi has been theorized to have been Horus’d by Emps after he mentioned the sheer concept of “wincest” within metaphysical earshot of '''YA BOI'''.

He later appeared in the 6th special, apparently having been transported to the WARHAMMER Fantasy world, where he encountered the main cast playing at game of Fantasy Roleplay and killed a bunch of their characters. Interestingly, Custodisi lost an arm in this fight, just as ACDC/Elsidisi, the character he's based on, lost an arm fighting Joseph in Battle tendency. Custodisi has since "returned from hell" with a few trophies, a prosthetic arm, and a more humble attitude. Due to his good luck at being voiced by the series creator, Wamuudes leads the voxcasts, as well as having a set of vox logs of his own.

Meanwhile, whilst Custodisi and Waamudes had their heretical swings, Karstodes seems to have been on a path to improvement which culminated in ep. 28 when he recognized how unfair he had been to the captain general and resigned as caretaker. The Emperor was genuinely surprised and impressed by the Custodian's sudden insight, and praised Karstodes for having reached that conclusion of his own volition. Envigorated, Karstodes pledged to the Emperor to continue on his path of self improvement. He has a love-hate relationship with Boy, as Karstodes childishly competes for the Emperor's attention every second he is on screen.

This becomes even more intense when it's revealed that although frequently mocking Boy for his ignorance, Karstodes cannot read.

*'''Diavolodes''': Another crazy Jojo-Custodes (this one is based on Diavolo from part 5), he appeared out of the blue and asked Kitten and Magnus if they knew who he was, and was content to hear that they didn't. Once alone, he started to laugh maniacally, declaring that soon the new Emperor would be him, Diavodes! Also [[Alpha Legion|may or may not]] be [[Alpharius|a familiar face]] in disguise. He appears about 11 minutes into episode 22, and may have tagged along with Kitten's Mars expedition under the name Lrak (Nude-stodes figure appears during the pan out before Magnus sends them to Mars saying something about "Wanting to play among the Dunes"). Has a strange obsession with piss.

*'''Mars Delegation''': As part of the Captain General's mission to secure some choice intel from the Fabricator-General, he decided to grab a few particular allies from the various shield hosts.
**'''Hammurabi Unferth''': Shield Captain from the Emissaries Imperiatus. Apparently, the entire host is skilled in being passive-aggressive with the guilt trip, and he's the best at it. During the mars trip he is shown to be also pretty good at direct intimidation when needed and that he is a staunch supporter of kitten.
**'''Lockwarden of the Shadowkeepers''': The Shadowkeepers are the shield host specialized in guarding the vaults of Terra and the abominations within, one of which is an archaeotech monstrosity formed from a Singing Billy Bass. The Lockwarden seems to end all his sentences with shades emotes and has a...peculiar manner of speech. <s>He seems to have helped Kitten deal with his break up with Shado</s>'''NOT FUCKING CANON''' <s>and still gives him advice on the ma</s>'''NO NO NO'''. Love is a strange thing, dude B)
**'''Santodes''': Yep, you guessed it, a fourth Pillar-stodes, referencing Santana from JoJo, and voiced by none other than Curtis "'''Takahata101'''" Arnott himself. Santodes is a FULLY CLOTHED blue Contemptor-Achillus Dreadnought with a fabulous head of golden hair and a fascination for his frame that's on tier with his living counterparts. Santodes had previously been identified as the Custodes who threw himself in front of the Emperor (stripped down to his loin-cloth, no less) to try to upstage Ollanius Pius' sacrifice. He was put up to it by none other than Kitten, who has sheer passive-aggressiveness dripping off of him every moment Santodes is on screen. Hes also very seductive to Skitarii who find him very attractive (being 99.9% machine of the highest quality)

[[Image:High Lords Text.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''The [[High Lords of Terra]]''': The people responsible for running the Imperium itself. Despite this the majority of the High Lords never really discuss or do anything to the betterment of the Imperium and just act senile, usually discussing about subjects relating to defecation and its products, and once even planning to outlaw breathing for everyone but them. For this reason, Magnus wants them all dead and handle governing the Imperium directly, but Kitten may have succeeded in convincing them not to fuck over the Imperium so much.

Apparently, the High Lords are commonly recruited from the Old Folks' planet, a retirement home so terrible that the High Lords have banned ever saying its name. There are currently 5 (technically 7 if you count the Head Scribe and Fyodor) High Lords featured, aside from the Captain-General. The High Lords are currently enjoying their time off/wallowing in misery thanks to the fact that the Emperor has pretty much made them obsolete, especially after he made making new laws illegal.
[[Image:High Lords 2.jpg|thumb|right]]
:*'''[[Ecclesiarchy|<s>Ecclesiarch</s> Mancclesiarch]] Decius XXIII''': The only non-senile High Lord (so far, there's still more we haven't seen) aside from the Captain-General, who legitimately takes his post seriously, even standing up to Fyodor and forbidding him to shed a single drop of blood from Terra's population ([[rules lawyer|which Fyodor circumvented by using incendiary weaponry]]).

For not screwing up the Emperor's plan, not being an overzealous bag of insanity, and rushing to try to save the Emperor when Fyodor stormed Terra's Palace he is allowed to stay leader of the Ecclesiarchy, even as the Emps is disbanding it/just changing every mention of '''God'''-Emperor to '''Man'''-Emperor, due to the fact that he and those who obeyed Emprah now are in charge of reforming the Imperium from the craphole it has sunk in. [[Space Marines|Loyalty to the man rather than the word]] finally paid off.

Just about everyone mocks him for his hat, which gets limp or...stiff depending on his emotional state, leading to his nickname of Pope Shafthat XXIII [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pq-6aj9sNvo He proved that despite the crap others give him, he can make some pretty rousing speeches on the fly]. The Emperor is honestly pleased that Decius is genuinely loyal. When told by the Emperor that Emps is not a god, Decius is disappointed, but does not hesitate to accept it because his loyalty is strong enough that if the Emperor says he is not a god, then he is not a god.

He also was ready to do his best to disband the Ministorum despite knowing what the priesthood would do to him for such "heresy" because the Emperor said to. Ultimately, his genuine loyalty is heavily rewarded by the Emperor. It probably also helps that the Emperor doesn't force Decius or the Ecclesiarchy to stop worshipping him altogether, just as a God, instead allowing them to worship him as [[Humanity Fuck Yeah|the pinnacle of humanity and what everyone should aspire to]]. After all, he may not be a god, be he's still fucking awesome.
:*'''Fabricator-General of Mars''': The head of the Adeptus Mechanicus. Is so old that his voice stutters every time he speaks like a broken version of Stephen Hawking in addition to always speaking in little tunes. Constantly does nothing but insult his fellow High Lords for being made of flesh and recommend they swap out their fleshy bits for mechanical augmentations. According to other Magos, the Fabricator-General is also a massive junkie (literally as well as figuratively; his true form fills a room) and party animal and at the end of Episode 28, after being confronted by Dark Angels looking for Cypher, Asmodai <s>made him repent</s> MURDERED HIM VIOLENTLY.

He has recently been revealed to be utilizing the Proteus Protocol to survive repeated explosions and orders Cawl to liquidate the Custodes questing to retrieve the protocol. Gets hit very hard on the head by a Dark Angel Crozius Arcanum after suspected of knowing about the Fallen.
:*'''Grand Provost Marshal''': Head of the Adeptus Arbites, who does nothing but propose to make everything illegal. [[Judge Dredd|HE IS THE LAW]]... at least until The Emperor declares the act of making new laws to be illegal, something which utterly devastates him. This makes him surprisingly adept at tabletop roleplaying games as he read the rules and understood them even better than Magnus did.
:*'''Master of the Administratum''': The head of the Imperial bureaucracy. A bit less inept than the rest of the High Lords, he acts like your everyday senile grandfather.
:*'''Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard''': The leader of the Imperial Guard. Doesn't do much, apart from comparing war to the good ol' days. Aware enough to know that the removal of minor luxuries (laxatives, breathing) may have detrimental effects on the Imperial Guard. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUrhqCkYwps Lays a sicknasty dilarius biznasty beat.][https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wo5ro1nWsPU And has the bling to match.]

----

===The Ultrasmurfs===
Very obnoxious and accompanied by the Ultramarine Chant from Chaos Gate. They apparently cannot be defeated due to their literal use of the "holy Codex" from their "Spiritual Liege." Managing to do nigh impossible feats. While the Emperor is not amused with them at all, he tolerates their OP plot armor to do impossible tasks for him such as retrieving Magnus from the Eye of Terror (with their Gellar Field turned ''off'', of all things) with minimal casualties, finding and sneaking the rest of Vulkan's artifacts onto Nocturne, and (currently) outdancing the best Harlequin dancers in the Webway while searching for Jaghatai Khan. Other impossible tasks in the past include using a giant Necron Pylon as a melee weapon, outfighting a Transcendent C'tan shard and killing a Phantom Titan by punching it in the foot.
*'''[[Marneus Calgar]]''': Chapter Master of the Ultramarines. He's currently depressed and frustrated at the state of the Ultramarines where they basically win everything (due to their plot armor) as well as their strict adherence to the Codex Astartes to the point that it's no longer fun, nor satisfying, to win anymore. Due to this, his mood is eternally grumpy, only made worse by Sicarius' constant gloating. He actually seems to care deeply for the men under his command as he gets extremely pissed off when Sicarius put his marines at unnecessary risk to achieve another victory to inflate his reputation, so one could assume Sicarius is the exception. He also appears in a flashback during the second [[Tyranid]] war in Ultramar, where he did battle with the Swarmlord. [https://youtu.be/cB79pnU2f2I?t=5m30s While he put up a valiant fight, he found that they were equally matched, and thus, declared it a draw.] (also, that whole gag is a clear reference to a Monty Python movie about King Arthur, just search up “Monty Python black knight scene”) Blatant hints point towards a deal he made with [[Matt Ward|something]] to give his Chapter more victories (hinted to have begun during the Second Tyrannic War), which he deeply regrets. Best buds with [[Ciaphas Cain]]
*'''[[Illiyan Nastase]]''': Chief Astropath of the Ultramarines. He received a brief mention during Episode 25, when he delivered a message to the Ultramarines Chapter Master, but did not receive any screentime. Marneus Calgar is deeply resentful of Illiyan's existence, and very adamantly insists on pushing him out of the spotlight and removing all mentions of the half-Eldar's existence. Because yes, Half-eldar serving the Ultramarines are canon. (Seriously, why does everyone forget Nastase was never a marine to begin with?)
*'''<s>[[Cato Sicarius]]</s> Cunto Shitarius''': Current Captain of the Ultramarines 2nd company. Rather than an exaggeration of the canon Cato (who is a perfectly normal, bland Ultramarine) he's the physical embodiment of /tg/'s hatred of [[Matt Ward]]: a massive glory hound layered in plot armor, turned up to eleven, where he only cares for his advancement in the ranks of the Ultramarines and not much else. He apparently undertook the mission to capture Magnus the Red. Alone. Without his gellar field turned on, and his survival at such mission greatly pissed off Calgar to no ends (and someone on Spacebattles wrote a thread where he even pisses off Guilliman), who was hoping he would die. He is also very verbal about his intention to take the position of Chapter Master, which ''greatly'' upsets, or rather, very pisses off, Calgar (as Cato's dialogues largely implies that he's better than him and wishes for his death), to the point where he threatens to perform an [[Imperial Fists|"Imperial Fisting"]] upon Sicarius with his Gauntlets if he continues such thoughts. He also has a very egotistical, effeminate voice that can only be described as "the incredibly sanctimonious love child of tinnitus and a jackhammer", and he always refers to himself in the third person. [https://youtu.be/bM8YGsAmeqE?t=1m56s It's goddamn hilarious.]
*'''[[Uriel Ventris]]''': Current Captain of the Ultramarines 4th company. He doesn't have a lot of development yet, but appears as a close friend of Calgar and is the only one who's noticed the Ultramarines' theme of somehow always completing utterly suicidal missions. He comes to realize that some unknown force is tampering with space and time to rewrite history,([https://youtu.be/eG82ruvH0jc?t=120 Probably has to do with an ''itsy bitsy little'' '''SHARD''']) covering up the Ultramarines past failures and playing up their successes to impossible levels, and starts to suspect that Calgar knows more about this than he's letting on. He also loves to talk about the unique green trim in his armor. He ALSO hates Cunto Shitarius. Who doesn't?
*'''[[Roboute Guilliman]]''': The Emperor has regularly made a point of ordering the Custodes Captain-General to have him taken off life-support. Currently, the only reason he's still on it is Kitten winning an epic duel in a [[Yu-Gi-Oh|children's card game]] against the Emperor. The result of his actions and the Codex Astartes horrifies his father. Going by the previous canon of Guilliman perhaps actually regenerating from the wounds that supposedly killed him, the Empra likely wants the time stasis field deactivated so he can finally get off his fucking ass. Though if we're going by official canon, it seems that the Emprah's intervention is no longer necessary. Amusingly, canon Guilliman's reaction to the Imperium upon being woken up isn't ostensibly that different to TTSD Emperor's (minus the swearing, bullying, and psychic temper tantrums). This is also supported in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-Qt3SXfYf8 recent TTS-related content, when he was interrogated by Cyberdong the Techpriest].

===Team Friendly Crusade of Friendly Friendship===
*'''[[Ferrus Manus]]:''' Primarch of the [[Iron Hands]]. Due to him being dead, he only appears as a ghost. Strangely, only Vulkan and Corax are able to see and hear him, leading other people like Magnus to think that his brothers have gone insane (probably because they were at Isstvan V and watched him die). He does nothing but tells Vulkan and Corax that they [[Adeptus Mechanicus|(and flesh)]] are weak. As for the latter "-is weak" statement, Vulkan bonks Brain-ghost Ferrus on the head saying "the real Ferrus Manus would say the opposite, ya' dumb ghostface idiot" which raises some questions about if it really is Ferrus' ghost. Only his head is visible, leading to Vulkan calling him a skull-ghost, a "Skost" if you will.

====Salamanders====
The Salamanders are a bunch of pyromaniacs in Cataphractii Terminator armor, infamous for their obsession with fire. They appear to be severely deaf, and are at least prone to talking in very loud voices, not hearing Kitten freak out next to them or the Ultramarines sneak the artifacts past them while their infamous theme song was blaring, and later not hearing a trapped Corax called out for help. They also seem to be oblivious to their Primarch's perpetual abilities, given that they're utterly shocked whenever Vulkan dies and resurrects again, despite personally witnessing it happen at least 6 times already, so far. The Emperor wonders if the Salamanders' pyromania had to do with his act of keeping their gene-seeds closer to the candle for warmth when he was creating them.

*'''[[Vulkan]]:''' Primarch of the [[Salamanders]]. After the Ultramarines found the remaining artifacts of Vulkan in secret for the Salamanders, Vulkan returned to the chapter, where his return was greeted with great adulation (VUVUZELAS). He is notably quite crazy, both haunted by the not-ghost with a not-face of Ferrus Manus. He speaks with a distinct South African/Jamaican accent and loves friendship, brotherhood, and cute animals (including Catachan Barking Toads, leading to some snoot-booping hilarity in the spin-offs). Died during his battle with the Beast, after pushing it into a reactor of WAAAGH energy, causing him to occasionally gain an Ork's eyes, violent vocabulary and speech patterns after his inevitable resurrection (which is hilarious when juxtaposed with his normally friendly speech). Dies again after Magnus unintentionally telepathically crushed him under The Engine of Woes, the trunk of which Vulkan had locked Corvus Corax in, then promptly got better within mere minutes. Has used the [[Grimdark|darkest corner of the universe]] as a place to relax for over 9000 years and work on his hobby, Battlemace 42,000,000. He is currently traveling with Corax & the Salamanders across the Imperium before returning to Terra to finish giving the spine-crushing hugs he wants to give to Magnus. Also, as of Ep.27, Magnus suspects Vulkan had his soul fused with a piece of the Ork gestalt consciousness, effectively making him a half-ork. Vulkan can apparently tap into said energies and channel it through his faith in the Emperor, and can also apparently communicate with animals via the power of friendship. As of Bro Trip 3, he has somehow vanished after making a shocking recovery from the symptoms of a virus bombing with his innate Orkiness.
*'''[[Vulkan He'stan|He'stan]]''': Forgefather of the Salamanders. He is seen sleeping on an anvil on fire when Cato Sicarius delivered the remaining artifacts to the Salamanders, literally driving them through the wall of the fortress into the Forgefather's personal chambers. Thinking he found the artifacts in his sleep, he subsequently declares himself to be best forgefather (and doesn't know that Vulkan was actually hiding for 9000 years in a very dark corner on the same planet). He also has a very Girlish Scream.
*'''[[Tu'Shan]]''': Chapter Master of the Salamanders. Rocks a sweet set of dragon armor and has a very knightly manner of speech. Expect to hear the phrase "My Primach!" in some form a few times per appearance.

====Raven Guard====
A bunch of emotional, apologetic emos in Corvus armor with Jump Packs and Lightning Claws.

*'''[[Corvus Corax]]''': Primarch of the [[Raven Guard]]. Apparently spent the past few millennia on [[Nocturne]], trapped in a 3rd millennium smart car referred to as the "Engine of Woes" while writing edgy poetry. Is accidentally freed by Magnus when he uses the Engine of Woes to fight off Vulkan. Currently accompanying the Salamanders on a trip to the Imperial Palace. His personality is, hilariously, one of an edgy teenage goth, with his self-hate and moodiness turned up to eleven. Wants to show the Emprah his edgy poetry. Magnus and Kitten freak out when he appears. Looks surprisingly like John Wick, or Samurai Jack during Season 5 with unwashed ammonia encrusted long hair. Willing to accept his own death rather than bring it upon his friends and allies. Is currently traveling the Imperium with Vulkan, where he constantly acts as the morose voice of reason to contrast Vulkan's joyful insanity.
*'''[[Kayvaan Shrike]]''': Raven Guard Master of Shadows (AKA Chapter Master - '''because why not'''.). He seems to be fairly bipolar, going from jovial to depressed at the drop of a hat. Also makes bird noises. Vulkan noted he was also extremely polite and apologetic; often saying sorry for things that weren't even his fault or deflecting apologies to him for misfortune by saying he deserves it for being neglectful.
*'''Kadus''': In lore, Kadus is one of the most esteemed Space Marines in the Raven Guard Chapter and is one of Chapter Master Kayvaan Shrike's closest personal friends, having served together with him alongside his other friend, Corus, since their time as initiates. In the series, he accompanies Shrike and acts as his more level headed counterpart.

====Warhams Crew====
A side story of a side story about a small four-man team consisting of a [[psyker]] murderhobo, a [[Skitarii]] murderhobo, an incompetent [[Rogue Trader]], and an Inquisitorial Acolyte of the [[Ordo Xenos]] who is somehow the straight man of the group. They are the owners of the ''Debt Collector'', an Imperial ship that has gone several cycles without proper maintenance. Their job is to go to planets as ambassadors, and they are often left with the weirdest places, like a [[ratling]] [[agri world]], a (deserted(?)) [[Necron]] [[tomb world]], a penal colony, and a hive world where the people are so backwater that they're space-hillbillies who keep their own blood in separate bags.

*'''Lorn''': A psyker from [[Fenris]] with a huge beard. He is batshit crazy most of the time, and the one of the most LOLrandom characters on the show. Once had his psychic power dampened and grew muscles the size of an Ogryn's as a result. Played by Zoran, who also voices [[Leman Russ]].
*'''π Braine''': A Skitarii hailing from Lemuria, an underwater [[Forge_World#Planet|forge world]]. He is the other LOLrandom character, who likes to roam the halls of the ''Debt Collector'' and randomly murder crew members he thinks are sabotaging the ship. Usually though, the sabotages are more than likely his. Played by SpeakerD, who also voices [[Asdrubael Vect]].
*'''Captain Zedek''': The Rogue Trader that captains the ''Debt Collector''. Though it's hard to say what he actually does on the ship, as he seems perfectly content to let everyone else on the ship solve his problems. Now that he has an actual Tech-Priest on the ship -- who is far more competent in her leadership -- he feels slightly threatened in his authority. Played by HulkyKrow.
*'''Reeb Van Horne''': The Inquisitorial Acolyte from the [[Ordo Xenos]]. Surprisingly the least insane member of the group, although he's had his moments, like trying to resurrect a dead techpriest (and succeeding). When the plot needs to move along, his character tends to take care of business. Played by Earndil.

===The Deathwatch===
Who are you gonna call if some nasty Xenos wont leave your basement - call the 'Deathwatch'. 100% guarantee to eliminate the vermin.... and nick its stuff. If not then theres no refunds- as we are probably dead.
*'''Calato''': A [[Deathwatch]] Champion from the Dark Angels. Originally from BEHEMOTH, Calato served under Inquisitor [[Kryptman]], spending more time irritably fixing recaf rather than fighting Xenos. Calato later shows up trapped in the warp with Karamazov and the rest of the Inquisition, where he had the balls to call Leman Russ a dogfucker to his face. Naturally, Russ was not amused. Later they made up over a pint of Fenrisian Ale, with Calato drunkenly embracing Russ as his "uncle... dog... my duncle!" He is later seen fighting against [[Plaguebearers]] during their defense of Khaine's gate, where Wilford forcefully dragged him out of combat after failing their squad's morale check, all the while demanding vengeance.

*'''Wilford''': A [[Deathwatch]] Apothecary from the Ultramarines, who mostly agreed to join the Deathwatch as he is unable to stand his chapter's insufferable self-superior attitude. Originally appeared in BEHEMOTH, but accompanied Calato during Fyodor's assault in the Emperor palace, and subsequently banished to the Warp during that event. He's obsessed with keeping everyone's health optimal, constantly berating and advising them to avoid further or future injury and illness.

===The Dark Angels===
The Inner Circle are a ragingly paranoid group of neurotic basketcases, far more so than in canon. Keep having to make non-circle marines [[RIP AND TEAR |"repent"]] for overhearing them discussing the Fallen very loudly.

*'''[[Azrael]]:''' Chapter Master of the [[Dark Angels]]. He's depicted as an overly paranoid wreck, obsessing about [[Cypher]], the [[Fallen Angels]] and constantly telling any non-inner circle member that reports to them that they're doing nothing suspicious and secretly heretical. The fact that he had two newly indoctrinated inner circle members killed because they stumbled onto knowledge of the fallen (that he spat out in front of them) is played for laughs.
*'''[[Belial]]:''' Grand Master of the Deathwing. His emo personality is hilariously turned to eleven whenever he perceives himself or his chapter as not being perfect, which is every waking second. This curiously allows him to become more reasonable than the rest of the Inner Circle, allowing him to converse with other people that doesn't outright accuse or threaten them. He has an effeminate yet whiny voice similar to Thurston Howell III.
*'''[[Asmodai]]:''' The Dark Angels' Master of Repentance (which basically means "Violent Murdering" to him). Not nearly as a fun police officer as his canon counterpart; his personality is psychotically intense, often telling people to redeem themselves or he'll do the actual redemption. However, given his views on "redemption", it usually doesn't end well (it tends to involve a crozius to the face). He's also as every bit as paranoid as Azrael. [https://youtu.be/M56aycpd9kA?t=19m55s REPENT, MOTHERFUCKER.]
*'''[[Watchers in the Dark|Watcher in the Dark]] (aka Snurko):''' A Watcher that accompanies Azrael, who is apparently the only one of its kind who can talk. It suddenly spoke of Cypher while in the presence of two newly indoctrinated inner-circle Angels, [https://youtu.be/M56aycpd9kA?t=17m48s prompting Azrael to hilariously beat the shit out of it.] His speech and mannerisms appear to be based off Orko from the He-man series.

===The White Scars===
*'''[[Jaghatai Khan]] (Honoured Be His Name)''': Primarch of the White Scars. During the Horus Humbug, he managed to pull off the amazing feat of standing still for more than 20 seconds (while standing on a Razorback going at 200 miles per hour). After the Codex announcement, he may be in [[Commorragh]], as he desired to [[meme|go fast]] and beat [[Dark Eldar|"those knife-eared assholes"]] in their jetbike races. Not much is known about his whereabouts right now, but it does mean that we will get to see him. Also, the Emperor has stolen at least one of his bikes from his room. There are many bets on his character vibrating rapidly in place.
*'''[[Kor'sarro Khan]]''': The White Scars' Master of the Hunt and "the only White Scar worth mentioning". While he hasn't appeared, he is talked about at length in a public broadcast on the subject of the White Scars chapter. While Emps and co. spend more time mocking Voldorius, The Emperor does briefly question why he isn't their Chapter Master, which is probably the biggest endorsement an individual Space Marine has gotten since the Horus Heresy.

===The Black Templars===
According to Rogal Dorn, the Templars are absolute lunatics obsessed with "PURGING WITH MY KIIIIIIIIIIIIIN". They enjoy listening to Linkin <s>Loyalists</s> Purge in their drop pods and ramming swords through Xenos skulls. Actually not that far off canon. They may be slightly improving after being forced/convinced to have ordinary humans, psykers, librarians, ratlings and all other sorts of abhumans in their ranks.
*'''Chaplain [[Grimaldus]]:''' Shows up in a filler short where he tries to ban the holiday of Sanguinala. The other Black Templars tell him he can't, prompting him to go to his bed and throw a loyalist tantrum.
*'''High Marshal Helbrecht:''' Received an anger management course from the Emperor and the custodians and was semi-convinced to teach the Black Templars to not be ''completely'' batshit insane. Also has a voice like that of a clown goblin gargling marbles. Prefers sitting on things that are [[Space Marines|''stiff'' and very ''hard'']] to things that are [[Tau|''soft'' and ''limp'']]. Was very pleased with the prospect of the Emperor shitting on the UltraSmurfs, a phrase he interpreted as being a literal desire to defecate upon them. [[/d/|'''Nasty.''']]

===The Space Corgis===
Renamed by official decree by the Emperor himself after being informed of how everything in their vernacular seemed to have been prefaced by the word "wolf", including curse words, such as Leman Russ replacing the word "fucking" with "wolfing". Their initiation rites for aspirants culminates in sending them through the Gate of Morkai to endure a [[Tzeentch|"squid"]] screaming at them without getting a boner (your guess as to ''how'' that might even occur).

*'''[[Leman Russ]]''': Primarch of the Space Corgis, been hiding in the Warp for eons and has the punching speed of a Super Saiyan. Has a verbal staredown with Karamazov, then proceeds to relentlessly mock him while obsessing over wolves. He also gives a thorough dressing-down of the 3 branches of the Inquisition, as well as the Deathwatch, Tempestus Scions and Sisters of Battle accompanying them (delivering the infamous line "Daemons of Khorne are gonna eat ya out like ice cream sandwiches once your Red Rage begins!"). He even has his own version of the [[meme|Navy Seal Copypasta]]. Despite being a Viking, he has a pseudo-Scottish accent. Magnus has accused him of being a furry-fuck. He is currently teaching the Inquisition how to survive in the Warp by turning them into a drunken mob and killing innocent daemons. This includes pranks of various sorts, such as crank calling Furies, cockblocking a Daemonette at a bar (which actually kills it), ding-dong-ditching Skarbrand, and assaulting one of Nurgle's daemons with a fuckload of soap ''(and a bathtub)''. After learning that Magnus is currently located in the Imperial Palace, he decided to get out of the Warp and go back to Terra; this journey currently includes surviving an army from all the Chaos Gods led by some of the most infamous Daemons, then walking through the Gate of Khaine into Commuragh, and being escorted to the Dark Eldar Overlord Vect, alongside with Karamazov and Kaldor Draigo. Is able to summon things by thinking about them really hard, ironically due to the fact that he is a psyker. He uses this ability to torture some Dark Eldar who challenged him to a game of 20 questions. Also appears to be friends with [[Boatmurdered|Urist Boatmurdered]]

*'''Space Wolves [[Wulfen]]''': Any mention of the Wulfen is normally echoed with someone bellowing "[[Digganobz]]" in a demented manner. This is referred within a Youtube short: the Grandmaster of the Grey Knights, Sir Covan Leorac, was presented an image of the Wulfen and he called them Digganobz. And yes, they really ''do'' look like Digganobz.

===The Grey Knights===
*'''[[Kaldor Draigo]]''': The Supreme Grand Master of the [[Grey Knights]], who is cursed to wander The Warp for eternity. Centuries wandering unrealspace however, eroded Draigo's sanity (at one point Leman questions if Draigo can even be considered sentient, which Draigo answers no), which might not be a bad thing as his craziness allows him to both stay in the warp without any trouble and murder daemons left and right (remember: the warp is a reflection of the minds of mortals and psykers can influence it to a higher degree. Draigo's insanity and powerful psychic talents allow him to shrug off the madness of the warp, simply because he believes without a shadow of a doubt that he can). He's made several appearances, first is annoying Fyodor's attack force after being banished into the warp by Magnus and later summoned by Kitten to handle Magnus' tantrum, which he does so in a split-second offscreen using inexplicable Mary Sue powers to defeat him. He now hangs around with Russ and company and is the only one besides Russ who can safely traverse the warp sober and troll daemons without his head exploding. Has apparently been sending Daemons (in the form of ordinary villagers, with jobs and families) into the "Super Warp" by throwing vortex grenades at them (given that they're already in The Warp, the grenades would suck them <s>to an even deeper version of The Warp</s> Back out into real space which, considering they’re demons, would mean that they would promptly die). Unfortunately, his [[Matt Ward|Wardian plot armor]] is not enough to protect him from one of the most powerful forces in the Warhammer universe: bad dice rolls. (seriously, the dice they were using must’ve been loaded) This shows quite painfully during the battle at Khaine’s Gate, where he repeatedly fails his psychic tests and charge attempts, Causing a group of Tempesta scions, and a firing line of sisters of battle, to get brutally murdered by demons. he’s still a beast in close-combat though, as the Masque of Slaanesh can attest. Is known for Insane ramblings that come out of pretty much nowhere, and make no sense, but are absolutely hilarious. Prominent quotes shall be listed in The bottom section.

*'''Covan Leorac''': A Grand Master of the Grey Knights. He appears in a short video where some Grey Knights report <strike>solid evidence of the [[Wulfen]] among the Space Wolves</strike> FAHCK YOU! DIGGANOBZ. However, Covan is absolutely convinced that they're Digganobz and not Wulfen, even hitting a Knight in the head for disagreeing with. Whether this is a jab at GW heavily basing the look of Wulfen on Digganobs or is in conscious denial to prevent the Grey Knights from waging a costly war upon the Space Wolves (again) is up to interpretation.

*'''Dread Knight''': The Emperor thinks its design is silly and looks like a baby cradle), but the Dread Knight proves to be as brave as it is massive, heroically charging at Skarbrand only to be made into a red paste after it initiated physical contact with him.

=== The Blood Angels ===

*'''[[Sanguinius]]''': Fabulous Fucking Hawkboy, and Primarch of the Blood Angels who is very, '''very''' dead. BUT he can appear lying face-up, head somewhat melty, in the visions/dreams of the faithful. (Though apparently only whilst they are heavily drugged on Ork Fungus...). Bears the dubious honour of being the only person the Emperor will not smack talk about nor tolerate being talked down about.
**'''The [[Sanguinor]]''': Mentioned in the second Q&A session where one of the [[Flesh Tearers]] is praying for his aid and a Blood Raven asks of his true nature. The Emprah has no clue, but hopes that it could be a 'fragment' of Sanguinius and hopes he returns. This implies the Emprah thinks that, just as his own soul was split into fragments by Fucking Horus, the same may have happened on some level to Sanguinius. Later makes a brief cameo swapping places to give his <s>girlfriend</s> colleague, Saint Celestine, a break from her stressful job of helping her sisters. While she was grateful and considered him shy and a sweetheart, she and the Blood Angels (that she rescued from Be'lakor on Sanguinala) realized her sisters would be trying to [[Rip and tear|tear]] him apart in anger at taking her place. As he awkwardly deals with the Sororitas raging at him, Saint Celestine rushed back from Ba'al to save him.

===The Lamenters===
21st founding of Marines which is literally 'cursed' i.e they have the worst luck ever to happen to a chapter. Being kicked in the balls by the Minotaurs and power hammered seems to be pretty high on the sucks levels. Even Emps cries for them.

===The <s>Imperial Army</s> <s>[[Imperial Guard]]</s> <s>Astra Militarum</s> WALL of GUNS===
The billions upon billions of baseline human, GIs, squaddies, grunts, footsloggers, meat shields which does the majority of land based warfare. They normally dont grab much of the medias attention as a image of a man sitting in a soggy trench with a torch and cardboard armour whilst super powered beings and aliens march over them isnt that uplifting.
*'''[[Sly Marbo]]''': [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kXU14hkuSI The One-Man Army] and [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCMNWAJiz5Y Hero of the Imperium!], he first appears in the April Fools episode where he was apparently recruited by Horus. Appeared in the real series, saving Little Billy and some farmers from the Kabal of the Flayed Skull in the middle of their raid on a random Agri-World. Later showed up at the invitation of Lucius to the Slaaneshmas Special where he begins beating up Typhus, Ahriman, and Lucius. While the scene turns to static, Lucius and Ahriman later show up on screen again. They commented that he was apparently a pretty great guy. Lucius apparently mixed up his contact info with Kharn's at one point. Later shows up to save Corvus Corax from the Catachan Barking Toad perched on his head. He's stated to be the single most decorated soldier in the entire history of humanity despite only being a Private, and "his aerodynamic musculature and knowledge of Catachan jungle tree buoyancy" help him "simulate flight" (which is apparently interstellar). Confirmed to NOT be a missing Primarch. Exclusively communicates by screaming (and sometimes body gestures, since he bowed slightly to Corax), specifically the one from the Dawn of War I opening cinematic where the sergeant orders the charge up the hill. He also weaponizes the subtitles of the scream by hitting enemies with them both as a ram and as a club.
*'''[[Ollanius Pius]]''': Makes a split-second appearance in [https://youtu.be/0Vh_N8CpcL0?t=900 in Rogal Dorn's flashback] before being headbutted to death by Horus. (''Shame on you if you don't know this super dude, so read his history now!'') In another episode, the Emperor takes the time to set the record straight that while Ollanius did, in fact, sacrifice himself for the Emperor, a Terminator and Custodes quickly followed suit in order to not be shown up by a mere mortal human. He was not amused by their transparent attempt to outshine Ollanius.
*'''[[Ciaphas Cain]]''': Commissar and Hero of the Imperium. He fully understands his entire existence is based on pure luck, lies and cowardice, though unlike his book version whose ability to never seem unnerved or let his lies slip is key to his entire career (and is hardly adverse to its benefits, if not its drawbacks...), here he's humorously morose and loudly gripes about his constant deceptions in private...but finds a kindred spirit in Marneus Calgar to share the pain. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRozBAIbaG4 Has his own merry jingle].
*'''[[Death Korps of Krieg]]''': As of the second voxcast, they can ''finally'' rest assured that the Emperor has personally forgiven them. What the Death Korps will do now that they've officially redeemed themselves remains to be seen, assuming they actually want to do something other than fight and die in battle. ( come on, you know it'll probably take another 2, maybe 3 millennia for the message to reach Krieg, due to, you know, Imperial Bureaucracy )
*'''[[Catachan Jungle Fighters]] (pronounced "Kata-kan")'''(by Straken, confusing everyone): Elaborated on in the first episode of "BRO TRIP 40,000: A Tale of Two Primarchs", being saved from a Slaaneshi Daemon invasion by the intervention of Vulkan and Corvus. Armed primarily only with knives (albeit some of the best knives in the universe due to the special Catachan metals) and basic clothing (shirts optional) in one of the most hazardous places in the universe, their survival and natural Space Marine-like physique provides a massive boost to the morale of the Imperium in a manner known as "marketability". Their culture is similar to that of Orks, measuring knife size to determine rank.
**'''Colonel "Iron Hands" Straken''': Leads the Catachan II regiment and is extremely good at guiding(tongue lashing)his troopers. Sly Marbo is also officially designated to the II regiment.
*'''[[Attilan Rough Riders]]''' Mongolian/Hun/Wide sweeping steppe based cavalry. Very superstitious (they try and kill Vulkan!) and hard to be completely converted by the Ecclesiarchy. As is typical of legendary guard regiments, they are brave and self-sacrificing. They can also pilot aircraft whilst still atop their horses (Some suspect the horses are the real pilots).
**'''Captain Mogul Kamir''': Leads the Attilan regiment who are going with the 'Friendship Force'. Likes drinking from the skulls of his fallen foes (a nod to Pre-Islamic Turk practices).
**'''The King of Khanasan''': Head of the Attilan Rough Riders and fellow skull-goblet enthusiast, to the point of draping his entire outfit in them. Voiced by Alfabusa himself.
**'''Starass''': The sole Astropath of the Attilans, and naturally an actual ass. Apparently, more than adequate enough for the Riders, though her language has no concept of the words "mass planetary destruction."

===Sisters of Battle===
*[[Ephrael Stern]]: The infamous Daemonifuge has finally reached the Black Library, but she's none too pleased with the Eldar's selection of food. [[-4_Str|Treads the path of the swole]]. She tells off Cegorach to his face, causing him to sulk off (incidentally allowing Custodisi and Wamuudes to enter the library). Goes with Magnus to help Eldrad birth Ynead.
*[[Saint Celestine]]: Greatest of the [[Living Saint]]s, always there to protect the Imperium and always reviving if she dies. First appears (in astral projection form) during the Battle at the Gate of Khaine, where she is apparently in on the [[Star Child]]'s plan and spirits away the soul of Dominique, who she describes as having fufuilled his duty to the Emperor. Later appears as the star of the "Salvation Through Annihilation" short, using her holy powers to deep-fry [[Ku'Gath]]. Her jolly mood is soured by the Sororitas present fangirling over her in a disgustingly creepy manner that makes the previously mentioned daemon of Nurgle seem pleasent in comparsion. After warping out, she is instructed by the (oddly drunk-sounding) voice-that-tells-her-to-go-places to head to [[Cadia]]. In the recent Sanguinala special, she was seen rescuing the Blood Angels on their homeworld of Baal, from a attempt by Chaos to end Sanguinala by Be'lakor. The Blood Angels are confused, as the Sanguinor is the one to usually save them. The two had swapped places at his suggestion for her to take a break, resulting in a very uncomfortable situation for the Blood Angels, and...Sanguinor being assaulted by the Sisters of Battle. Refers to the Sanguinor as her ‘stud’ and ‘boy toy’ and thinks of him as a shy sweetheart.
**In a deleted scene from the ''Behemoth'' triology, Celestine would have come down to aid the outnumbered sisters against the Swarmlord... which would have proceeded to kill her [[FAIL|over and over again]] and contribute absolutely nothing. Since the scene was unfunny and made the video way too long, Eliphas cut it out.

===Adeptus Mechanicus===
*'''Reimleiz the Theorist:''' An attendant techpriest whom the Emperor calls "random mechanicus guy". He was originally searching for a motorbike for Rogal Dorn to use, inside Jaghatai Khan's shed. As of the Black Templars podcast, Emps made him an Inquisitor and then commanded him to find out more about the Omega Vault. He was inexplicably on the floor at the time. Is incapable of making any statement without phrasing it as a question and is constantly asking himself trivial questions for no real reason (such as asking if legs are actually vehicles driven by tiny snotlings). Also has a penchant for slapping his cyberdong on toasters, which many mechanicus adepts around the system appear to be visibly fixated upon. As a sidenote he’s basically an avatar for [[https://m.youtube.com/user/remleiz|this YouTube channel]]
*'''Delphan Gruss''': A Magos Explorator (that originally appeared in the 54mm ''Inquisitor'' game) sent to Orior by the [[Adeptus Mechanicus|Admech]] to investigate the presence of an STC. He is very blunt and dismissive when dealing with "fleshbags", and does so while speaking with a German accent. His most remarkable feature, however, is a drill that replaces his right hand, which, predictably, makes him the butt of many [[anime]]-related jokes, much to his dismay.
*'''[[Belisarius Cawl]]''': He hasn't done anything to Gulliman (yet, anyway), but Rogal Dorn apparently did see him talking with Gulliman about something in the past. Apparently, he's not that great at keeping secrets, as there are rumors circulating about him working on [[Primaris Marines|something related to Thunder Warriors]] that even managed to reach the Imperial Palace. The Emperor understandably expects little to come from this (he will be completely surprised), expecting Cawl's work to be hindered by the Mechanicus' usual dogma. Finally shows up in Episode 28, and all the A.I's in his head have naturally made him crazy (As it should, there's a reason that stuff isn't messed with in canon). Either that or that's all of the personalities he's absorbed throughout the millennia talking through him. He acts as the hitman for the Fabricator-General, who blackmails him about not scrapping his Primaris project if he kills the Custodes. Also speaks like the Master from Fallout 1.

===The Inquisition===
After the Horus Heresy, a new proactive 'Intelligence' force was created: merge the KGB, Gestapo, CIA, MI6, Mossad with zealous religious belief and unlimited power and hey presto:
*'''Lord [[Inquisitor]] Fyodor <s>Karamazov</s> Krazypantsoff''': Inquisitor of the [[Ordo Hereticus]] and a colossal jerk even among inquisitors. When the Emperor disbanded the Inquisition, he went ballistic and led an entire crusade to Terra to purge what he thinks is heresy. Ended up in the Warp via Magnus for his troubles, after being trolled in a magnificent manner by being told he is a fragment of the Emperor. This was all [[Just As Planned|the Emperor's plan for sending out the message in the first place]], to lure in all the more destructive Inquisitors to get rid of them. He's not out of the game yet, though, and is determined to return to the Emperor. He has become substantially crazier after Leman Russ' Warp Survival lessons. Completely convinced he's the Emperor and seems to regret what a horrible father "he" was more than Emprah himself.
**'''Star-Fyodperor''': After a huge messy battle at Khaine's gate, Karamazov became the host of the Star Child. So basically he ''is'' the Emperor for real now. Apparently, the Star Child needed to possess someone extremely entitled and hypocritical like big E himself. Thanks to Star Child basically doing all the talking, planning, and overall thinking He now represents the kind, fatherly side of the Emperor that is sorely lacking from his throne-bound counterpart, complete with dad jokes. Unfortunately, this leaves the Fyodperor to being easy to deceive, lacking the ability to distrust that comes from millennia of cynicism and hate. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kgVuQ_Fbs5g|Has one of the most noblebright awesome themes ever done for anything born from GeeDubs.]
[[Image:Domi.png|thumb|right|''"KILL THEM ALL, KILL THEM ALL!"'']]
*'''Dominique''': Voiced by Gonzo the Great. The techpriest Lexmechanic on Fyodor's Throne of Judgement. He comically makes fun of Fyodor on several occasions and generally breaks the serious atmosphere that the Lord Inquisitor tries to project. He also has a curious predilection for sandpaper cigarettes and a rapacious drug habit. Died inexplicably during the Inquisition's drunken rampage, most likely due to alcohol poisoning. It is never explained why Fyodor tolerated his nonsense for so long, but as Dominique regularly got away with sass sufficient to warrant a summary execution for a planetary governor, let alone a servitor, and Fyodor is not portrayed as being a particularly stable or calm individual, it's clear *something* was in play keeping Dominique employed and alive.
**Turns out he had a fate-bound duty to mold Fyodor into the Star Child's ideal host, an ill-tempered hypocrite with a god complex. He was allowed to see Fyodor one last time in exchange for that service, then got ferried to the afterlife by [[Saint Celestine]] her-holy-fucking-self to the tune of ten thousand fans weeping manly tears. His carcass is still perched on the Throne of Judgment, but most of the meat has rotted away by now. He's currently interred into a white-and-gold sarcophagus created when Fyodor became the Star Child's host.
[[Image:Mall.png|thumb|right]]
*'''Grand Master Elirush''': A Grey Knight Grand Master, who represents the Inquisition's Ordo Malleus. The most level-headed person in the group, who speaks with a smothered accent that Alfa masks as "waffles" (due to his VA being Eliphas, who is Belgian. If it isn't obvious, that's also the basis for his name). He attempted to avenge his fallen brothers who were killed by Kairos during the battle at Khaine's gate, but mistakenly attributed it to Skarbrand (much to the former's dismay). He was killed after inconveniencing Skarbrand, who despises such things.
[[Image:Here.png|thumb|right]]
*'''Inquisitor Adrielle Quist''': One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor whom you'd recognize if you've ever seen them. A Xeno fetishist, evidence suggests she is actually a tsundere for [[Genestealers]], and only dreams of being held in the strong, manly arms of her [[Extra heresy|Broodlord-kun]]. She appears to be the bad cop of the group with a short temper and a rough, Russian accent. She claims that the letter of disbanding inquisition was written by a genestealer cult under the Emperor's name. While stuck in the warp with Fyodor and the rest, she assaults [[Lord of Change]] Kairos Fateweaver after asking if he's a Genestealer, naturally not caring which of his heads answered "Yes". Even mentioning Genestealers in her presence causes her to fly into a berzerker rage. Later, during the Halloween special, she is apparently able to briefly manifest into realspace, similar to Kaldor Draigo, whenever someone mentions anything about Genestalers. She was last seen during the defense of Khaine's gate while intoxicated, where she mistakes Skarbrand for a Genestealer (further angering Skarbrand as he dislikes misinterpretations) and ascended after being killed by him.
[[Image:Xen.png|thumb|right]]
*'''Inquisitor Donklas''': One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor, who represents the Ordo Hereticus. He appears as an Inquisitor dressed in black and using a bolt pistol with a sight mount (which is exactly from the front cover of [[Dark Heresy]]). Don't let his soft-spoken tone fool you - this guy gets aroused at the thought of executing other people regardless of what they've done. He is in favor of the door-kicking-and-burning-building type of [[Exterminatus]], just like a medieval witch hunter. He is possibly the same Inquisitor as the one in the mask (who snickers arousedly at executing friendlies and wonders where the mask came from). He is so far the only Inquisitor who managed to survive the battle at Khaine's gate, mainly due to "enforcing discipline at the back". He is so far the only one of 3 main inquisitors who has survived up to this point.
*'''Inquisitor Javerticus''': An Ordo Hereticus Inquisitor and the most dedicated and charismatic of them all, and also an awesome singer and swordsman. Sadly, the Grey Knights don't seem to comprehend his awesomely dramatic greatness. Named after the [[Lawful Stupid|obsessive]] Inspector Javert (from Victor Hugo's ''Les Misérables'').
*'''[[Jokaero|Torquemada Coteaz]]''': One of the Inquisitors who joined Fyodor's assault into the Imperial Palace. He shows up after Fyodor's forces was blocked off by a force of loyal Ecclesiarchy priests led by Decius in the palace, but breaches their defenses by throwing a barrel of Jokaero at the defenders. This plan causes Fyodor to lose any respect for him, which solicits a disheveled response from Torquemada, [[Awesome|telling him to get off his Throne of Judgement and tell him to his face or use his multi-melta to do what he's too pathetic to]]. Fyodor backs off and lets him leave. So far he appears to be the only sane Inquisitor, snarling at Fyodor to not execute the Emperor for whatever offense he may pull out of his ass. He's also busy with [[The Lord Inquisitor|making a film]], which is why he didn't stay to see Fyodor's plans go to the Warp.
*'''[[Militarum Tempestus|Tempestus Scions]]''' - A hapless squad of Inquisitorial Stormtroopers comprised of Scions: Grant, Valentine, Matilda, Stuart, and led by Tempestor Cromwell. They constantly bicker between each other due to Stuart's pessimism, Matilda's blind optimism, and Grant's panicky disposition, but is constantly held in-line by Tempestor Cromwell. They're seen during the battle at Khaine's Gate, where they're all surprised that they've somehow survived, despite their [[Taurox]] roadblock being destroyed and the Grey Knights being slaughtered.
**Coincidentally ([[Just as Planned|or not]]), they're all named after Allied [[tank]]s from World War II (probably not, what with their thick English accents, and Matilda's preoccupation with "tankyness.").
*'''Inquisitor Headsmash''': Hangs around on a ship in low orbit waiting for heresy to occur. Has a heavily reinforced Exterminatus button which he gets a LOT of use from - as the name implies, he hits it repeatedly using his head. Has the enviable talent of hearing heresy from orbit. He was about to retire after his 40,000th straight Exterminatus, but due to Draigo, he got sent to Commorragh along with his entourage (which includes a Jokaero and his Exterminatus button). Was the only one in the assembly to resist the fyodperor's psychic persuasion.
*'''Ex-Inquisitor Kryptman''': It's a bit weird that this guy is hanging around since all the other Inquisitors hate him, but whatever. Considered too violent and too hypocritical for the Inquisition, as amazing as that achievement is, he is nonetheless really good at his job; claims he's even able to survive against Eldar mind games by seeing through the truth being disguised as a lie, knowing full well that the humans will assume it's a lie while knowing the Eldar are lying about telling the truth about lying. Also carries a pimpin' cane with a gun in it.
*'''Inquisitor Obiwan Sherlock Clousseau''': Yep, he appears in episode 26 part 2! He's from a more [[Warhammer 40,000: Rogue Trader|'jovial' time of early 40K]].

===General Populace of the Imperium ('Plebs')===
*'''Little Billy''': A running gag character in the series. His appearance is a psychic child who made himself a crude power-armor costume using cardboard boxes, with Alfabusa's grey and blue livery for colors. The gag about him is that Billy is constantly subjected to lethal/traumatizing events, yet still survives to appear again, leading to a joke that he is actually a perpetual. So far he's been: run over by a space marine attack bike, kidnapped and thrown into a Dark Eldar slave pit ''twice'', and implied to have been molested by Lucius after contacting him using a psychic link and suddenly appearing before him, then hunted across the cosmos by Lucius during Slaaneshmas, and hammered in the face by a Deathwatch member before almost getting eaten by Tyranids in [https://youtu.be/mabM64rAd4k?t=25m32s Behemoth]. He's also apparently talked to the High Lords at least once, since the Grand Provost Marshal hallucinates him. To date, the only good thing to happen to him is Sly Marbo rescuing him from the Dark Eldar after some internal deb-'''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA'''-ting.
*'''The citizens of Hive World Purgatory''': Originally appearing in Alfa's Upper Hive games, hive world Purgatory appears a few times in the series proper. Its citizens are extremely idiotic and prone to murdering each other over the slightest suspicion. It's also been the victim of a recent Crotch Rot epidemic, and multiple Genestealer invasions.
*'''The Citizens Of The Imperium''': In special episodes where the Emperor answers mail from citizens of the Imperium (most of which is questions asked by watchers of the series), Loyalist humanity plus an odd Xeno or Chaos entity ask questions of him. These are supposed to be sorted by ''Little Kitten'' and later Magnus as well, but quite a few stupid ones get through to the point that without the aid of the cuddly Centurion, the Emperor's frustration causes Warpstorms which obliterate chunks of the universe.
*'''Detective Bruce Norring''': Appears in the Halloween specials. With most of the Inquisition missing, Bruce is put on the case of chasing down shady heretics on hive world Purgatory, [[Lovecraft|Innsmouth-style]], before unwittingly uncovering a Genestealer cult and nearly made into a genehost - only to get saved by a completely sloshed Inquisitor Quist from the warp.
*'''Hobo Guardsman''': also known as "Hobo-chan." Like Billy, he exists to be traumatized by the grim darkness of the universe. First he becomes an unwilling recipient of Lucius' charity efforts, that being a sandwich made from ''"freshly milked [[daemonette]] [[trap|milk]]"'', then later he gets harassed by the [[Adeptus Arbites]] for adding rat meat to his rations to make them more edible. Fed up with the bullshit, he decides to join Chaos, getting warped away before his planet is destroyed by Exterminatus. He was later seen smashed by Lucius during the Slaaneshmas Special, and then spotted in the Webway with the Ultramarines, and later again spotted in the Imperial Dungeons with the Shadowkeepers; and, on top of fucking that, was seen near the end of Part 1 of Hateful Feud running away as Karamazov was becoming Fyodper. Last seen in the Throne Room, running away as Magnus threw a temper tantrum after being trolled by the Provost Marshal for not reading the rules of Fantasy Roleplay.
*'''Tour Guide''': A guy who gives tours of the Imperial Palace. He gets summoned(dragged) into the throne room and abruptly told by the Emperor to read the names of a bunch of Dark Eldar weapons without any given reason, which he does without hesitation. He may read other lists later. He appears to be some sort of psyker as he could sense Magnus' return before he teleported into the throne room. He is able to bitch-slap Wamuudes to the floor without even looking. Poor guy is also losing his sanity due to all the batshit craziness happening around him.

===Eldar===
After the Eldar Collapse, these Eldar decided that unlimited Lust and Violence wasn't a positive influence to their souls and thus became elfy space-monks, all calm and serene until they decide to fight then its elfy warrior-monks!.
*'''[[Eldrad]] Ulthran:''' Eldar Farseer of Craftworld Ulthwé who is one of the biggest dicks in the Galaxy. Is preparing to do pretty much exactly what he ends up doing in Gathering Storm. Tried to convince Asdrubael Vect to distract the Imperium while he attempts to awaken [[Ynnead]], but to no avail. Apparently, he's already contacted Cypher at least once before and seeks to do the same with "the Machine-man from Mars" (most likely Cawl).
*'''[[Cegorach]]''': The Laughing God, shown guarding the Black Library. He encounters Ahriman trying to enter and forcefully boots him out after a bit of trolling. Cegorach has his own spectral audience that laughs at his jokes, and even a voice that adds '''[BAZINGA.]''' to his punchlines. He is plotting the demise of the [[Flesh Eaters]] for saying his Harlequins are in poor taste. In both meanings of the word. Recently he challenged Magnus to a comedy battle where he made use of horribly outdated memes to win laughs from the Harlequin audience including a Skyrim reference of all things. Had to call it a tie though since Magnus was committing verbal suicide through self-deprecation humor. Also has one of the most badass theme songs in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzWsLaolyLw&ab_channel=StringStorm%E2%80%8C existence] .
*'''[[Isha]]''': Despite being a kidnapping victim initially, Isha is now (due to Stockholm Syndrome) in a “loving” relationship with Nurgle. She Thinks Tzeentch is annoying and hates Slaanesh, mocking the former and encouraging Nurgle to plague the latter, Preferably with something that doesn’t kill her but shuts off her senses.
*'''[[Khaine]]''': Disappointed and annoyed by all the young Gods around him, sounds like an old man beat-down by life. He mostly hangs out in the warp chat and goes to the gym with Khorne.

===Dark Eldar===
The true descendants after the collapse of the Eldar Empire. There are A LOT of Dark Eldar living in their webway city of Commorragh and with access to a ton of lethal weaponry, its impractical to invade their realm without leaving yourself open to other forces’ attacks.
*'''[[Asdrubael Vect]]:''' Dark Eldar leader who is another one of the biggest dicks in the Galaxy. Is completely disinterested if not mildly amused/irritated with Eldrad's plans and his insistence on dragging him in; believing both Eldrad's visions and Ynnead to be utter nonsense unworthy of his time after 10,000 years worth of pessimistic doomsaying. He appears to have plans of his own that seem to involve Leman Russ, Karamazov, and/or Kaldor Draigo, who emerge from the Gate of Khaine just as he finishes his conversation with Eldrad. As it turns out, it involved shocking the Star-Fyodperor (which he was able to deduct almost immediately) with a surprise betrayal that the emotions that emanate almost supercharge Vect and Rakarth. Has a habit of setting up violent, hedonistic parties before gassing all the guests (including all rivals) after he leaves early.
*'''[[Lady Malys]]:''' Vect's bitter ex (don't say that to her face, though) who wants to take over Commorragh because "Vect's a prick." Seems to have been taken over by Cegorach, which is not surprising given real lore had her conduct heart transplant surgery on herself with Cegorach's crystal heart. Also French. [[Magical Realm|Sexily]] so.
*'''[[Archon Tahril]]:''' An Archon who originally appeared in ''[[Dawn of War]]: Soulstorm'' as the leader of the Black Heart Cabal in Kaurava and Vect's former subordinate after the whole raid ended in a failure. He is reluctantly under Malys' employment and passive-aggressively lets her know whenever he has to talk to her. He deals with her personality quirks reluctantly. Is also secretly an agent of the C'tan known as the Deceiver.
*'''[[Urien Rakarth]]:''' The personification of torture, currently under Vect's employ. It's revealed that it was he who visited the Golden Throne that one time, which makes Dorn panic and attempt to re-install the entire palace.

===Adversaries===
*'''[[Abaddon the Despoiler]]''': Has yet to personally appear in the series, but has so far has been contacting various Chaos Champions [[Black Crusade|to attend to their 14th annual party]]. He will ALSO be voiced by the aforementioned Takahata101 (Nappa and [[Hellsing|'''THE CRIMSON FUCKER''']]) of Team Four Star fame.
*'''[[Fulgrim]]''': Has yet to personally appear in the series, but appears to have already joined Abaddon in his plans. He makes his appearance as the person who called Lucius to get him to join Abaddon. Based on the [[Vulkan|current]] [[Corvus Corax|trend]], it wouldn’t be too surprising if he, too, can see Ferrus Manus’s ghost, especially considering he was the one who ''killed him'' and all that.
*'''The Gods of [[Chaos|<s>Chaos</s> <s>Choas</s> <s>Chaos</s> <s>Choas</s> <s>Chaos</s> <s>Choas</s> chaos]]''': The gods here are less chaotic than their canon counterparts. More-or-less they just sit around and talk to each other, the way they did prior to the Emperor showing up and making plans to wreck their collective shit.
**[[Tzeentch]] is a petty schoolyard bully/prankster who also likes to engage in pointlessly overthought pseudo-philosophy. He also plays Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth-Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker, shamelessly abusing an [[Yu-Gi-Oh#Archetype|Empty Jar]] deck made [[WAAC|ALMOST ENTIRELY FROM BANNED CARDS]]. So far, he is the most prominently featured of the Chaos Gods. Tzeentch lurks behind the Gate of Morkai, fucking with the aspirants sent through by Space Wolves priests; if they're to be believed, he's done something involving "wolf tits" at least once, and [[Wat|Emprah only knows how we're supposed to interpret that]]. Despite his behavior he does genuinely care for his son, Magnus.
**[[Slaanesh]] is a hyperactive masochistic camwhore who steals from Khorne and trolls him and others with sexual innuendos. Nobody likes it because it ruins everything.
**[[Khorne]] is the only half-way normal Chaos God (if that term could ever be applied to the Gods), who is often heard screaming at Slaanesh for being a creepy whore. Has a fairly good relationship with Khaine, though, and they work out together at the gym - he never skips leg day, unlike the Emperor. Ironically, despite being the most prominently featured Chaos God in canon, he's made far fewer on-screen appearances than the other Gods.
**[[Nurgle]] is the only one actually doing any scheming. Has a voice that's really hard to understand without subtitles, Probably because of all of the diseases he’s infected with, and is more focused on his waifu Isha than actually doing anything. When he's upset, he known to release extremely potent [[Wikipedia:Tinea cruris|Crotch]] [[Wikipedia:Candidal intertrigo|Rot]] on Hive-Worlds, which is as nasty as it sounds.The emperor was on the receiving end of said crotch rot, as well as an eternally itchy nose, despite not having one.
**[[Malal]] makes several short appearances, conversing with the various gods on Spacebook where he declares he will ruin everyone once he becomes canon again by escaping the "Retconnian" (a dimension where the Squats, Horus' soul, Sanguinnius’ soul and other things that don't exist anymore are banished to) and a second time is shown to exist in a pocket outside canon where he is able to influence things that are canon in subtle ways using the [[Dark Heresy|"Tyrant Star", a wandering sun that gives off black light and incites anarchy, chaos, and mutation on whatever planet it shines on]]. It appears that his obsession to become canon is a harmful one, as Horus and a Squat talk him down from his attempts and console him when he breaks down crying about his futile attempts.
**The [[Great Horned Rat]] appears as a joke to cancel Slaaneshmas forever due to Slaanesh getting demoted in Age of Sigmar and announces "Great Horned Rat Day" as its replacement. Enjoys mocking "non-existent" lesser Chaos Gods and seems to be incapable of not breaking the fourth wall. Coughs near-constantly.
**[[Necoho]]?: Never been seen and hasn't been named, but Magnus has mentioned the existence of a chaos god of unbelief who was created by Emperor's attempts to wipe out all religion. If not for the Horus Heresy, Emperor would have become its champion or avatar. Since atheism is so rare in the galaxy now, it most likely is dead or too weak to be relevant.
*'''[[Lucius the Eternal]]''': Slaanesh's premier champion, who sounds like what would happen if Mickey Mouse turned to Slaanesh and became a drag queen in the process (his first appearance is a direct reference to [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g56q3j8NAcw this]). First shown fucking up some Imperial Guardsmen (in all senses of the word) with his warband, laughing like a maniac all the while. He then got a call from Fulgrim, inviting him and his band to join one of Abaddon's [[Black Crusade|"huge parties"]], which he accepted. His absolutely creepy portrayal in the series is quickly becoming one of the scariest (and most enjoyable) things in the franchise, sorta an impressive achievement. Runs a prank show in his spare time, and posts the results to Spacebook (it is unknown If piccolo has seen said results). Also planned the 'Slaaneshmas' holiday event, which is broadcast to the whole universe to spread goodwill to humans and overall death to xeno species. Lucius makes a great holo vid host.
*'''[[Ahzek Ahriman]]''': Most powerful sorcerer of the [[Thousand Sons]]. Appears in a short scene where he finally gets access to the [[Black Library]], only to be dicked with, and eventually booted out by [[Cegorach]]. Decided to quit trying to get into the Black Library for a while and take a break, but decided against the latter after being summoned by Abaddon for the Black Crusade. Teamed up with Lucius for Slaaneshmas for the shits and giggles. So far appears to the only rational Chaos Space Marine, acting as a snarky straight man to the antics of the others. On a side-note, he [[Old Man Henderson|huffs grimoires of Big Bad Jujus]], which impresses Lucius. He apparently wants to murder the stars as he finds them too bright for his taste. At the end, he gives a speech about how despite the different worldviews, both sides are still humans and offers the Imperium to have one day per year when instead of killing each other, both sides would have a ceasefire and unite to exterminate aliens instead. Imperials were oddly receptive to that idea...
*'''[[Typhus]]''': Chaos Lord of the [[Death Guard]]. Has the voice of Gilbert Gottfried, with a Strong resemblance to the voice of Real life Comedian Norm McDonald, or Gilbert Gottfried, which he uses to read [[Squad Broken|erotic fanfiction]] for Lucius. Like the other chaos champions, he's been summoned by Abaddon for the Black Crusade. Later shows up to the Slaaneshmas Special to talk about his latest book, which is just his own shit smeared on every page.
*'''[[Kharn|Khârn the Betrayer]]''': The most infamous Khornate Berserker in the World Eaters. He has yet to appear directly in the show; Lucius invited him by Vox to the Slaaneshmas special but only received angry grunts in reply, leading Lucius to believe Angron picked up instead. Apparently, Lucius also mixed up his contact info with Sly Marbo at one point.
*'''[[Huron Blackheart]]''': We cannot confirm his appearance in the series proper, but it appears that he is with [[Abaddon]] in the Season 3 intro, perhaps pointing to an alliance of sorts. Why in the all the names of Chaos he is there, only Alfa (or maybe his voice actor) know.
*'''[[Fabius Bile|<strike>Fabius</strike> <strike>FABULOUS Bile</strike> Bob]]''': Joins in on Lucius' and Ahriman's Slaaneshmas special to announce that he's starting a solo Black Crusade to show up that man-baby Abbadon. Is triggered very seriously if called Bob. He's clearly insane, insisting that a solo Black Crusade means doing things on his own, which even Lucius thought was crazy, not helped by Bile following up by boasting he can clone anyone. He showed off an abomination of a clone of Ahriman (which psychically self-destructed) during the Slaaneshmas Special. Naturally, Ahriman was horrified and disgusted and even Lucius was disturbed.
*'''[[Miriael Sabathiel]]''': The infamous Chaos Sororita shows up, only to get dismissed everywhere she goes and not be taken seriously. Upon learning it was Slaaneshmas, she dons a Santa hat and joins the fun. Earlier, she was in a bad mood for being talked down by a captured Inquisitor (before she beheaded him in frustration), lamented the lost opportunity to torment him, and was enraged at some Noise Marines' amusement at her situation.
*'''The [[Tyranid]] Hivemind''': Attempted to hijack the Chaos Gods' warpchat, but was kicked after too many synapses attempted connections. The Emperor claims that talking to the Tyranid Hivemind is like talking to a herd of hungry sheep. Everyone in the wharf is trying to get rid of it because it’s annoying to them. It also sent a psychic message to inquisitor kryptman Showing him its face… Or rather mouth.
*'''[[The Masque]]''': A Slaaneshi Daemonette. First appears in BRO TRIP 40,000: A Tale of Two Primarchs while attacking Catachan, apparently because an ample muscle harvest (shaped into Slaanesh's symbol) would please Slaanesh enough to end her (yes, a canon her) eternal damnation to unending dancing. After Corvus Corax batmans her she flees, due to their artificial muscles being displeasing to Slaanesh and fighting them not being worth potential banishment back to the Warp. Her motives lead her and an army of Daemonettes to the battle for the Gate of Khaine, where she implies some familiarity with Kaldor Drago before trying to bring him down, only to fail spectacularly.
*'''[[Skarbrand]]''': A "renegade" Khornate Bloodthirster; Khorne officially disowned him after he attempted to kill the Chaos God with a strike to the back, but still recognizes his talents. Skarbrand appears in the Warp Hijinks special as a victim of a ding-dong-ditch prank by Leman Russ and Fyodor. He refers to himself exclusively in the third person and, being a Bloodthirster, [[RAGE|hates literally everything]] (it didn't help that all emotions besides anger were throttled out of him by Khorne); when faced with the prospect being outside or inside after being pranked, he actually remains in the doorframe, which he hates '''''slightly''''' less. He later joins the Chaos Undivided daemon horde that assaulted Khaine's gate as it was being opened by the Inquisition's forces, where he further espouses his hatred against everything. Such as named characters, some of whom he fucking murders. Extremely open and vocal about his feelings, funnily enough. {{BLAM|SKARBRAND '''HATES''' MISCONCEPTIONS!}}
*'''[[Kairos Fateweaver]]''': A Tzeentchian Lord of Change. He still has two heads and the second, mottled one will constantly contradict the 'dominant' head while speaking (which Kairos neither seems to address nor notice). First appears during Russ and crew's rampage throughout the Warp, where he tries his usual "Knights and Knaves" shtick on Inquisitor Adrielle Quist - but since she's drunk, not listening and mistakes him for a Genestealer, he gets one of his faces fucked up for his troubles, and holds an eternal grudge against her due to that. Kairos reappears during the battle at Khaine's Gate, where he tries his damnedest to get even with Quist, but had to "settle" for destroying most of the Grey Knights, but his work was mistakenly attributed to Skarbrand, much to his eternal dismay. Funnily enough, he does more damage to Skarbrand than any of the Imperials completely by accident: Kairos' psyker powers hit Skarbrand while he fought Inquisitor Quist, his grudge briefly turning him into a [[Kharn|team-killing fucktard.]] Despite this, considering the rules Kairos follows (in official lore, his heads randomly switch which one lies and which one tells the truth, but one lying means the other must be truthful), that he can tell the future, and that the normally truthful head said "I will have my revenge" (which he didn't) while the normally lying head claimed to love Skarbrand... Kairos actually really does love Skarbrand.
*'''[[Epidemius]]''': A Nurglite Plaguebearer. Fitting for a daemon of Nurgle, he's incredibly polite even under duress, and cares significantly about the loss of his fellow daemons. First appears during Russ and crew's rampage throughout the Warp, where he was pelted into submission with hundreds of bars of soap and a bathtub. He later appears during the battle at Khaine's Gate with a retinue of [[Plaguebearers]], and was enraged when one of them was killed by the Deathwatch. He later commanded a charge against them that ended with most of the Deathwatch being slaughtered, while Wilford and Calato, the only survivors were forced to retreat.
*'''The [[C'tan]]''': The Necron's star gods seem to be wedging their way back into current affairs after being turned into [[Pokemon]] by their servants. Of all of them, only The Deceiver has made an appearance so far, the rest being confined to the paper puppet flashbacks (except when Decius brought up The Nightbringer when he was convincing the Ecclesiarchy that [[The Emperor|Easy-E]] isn't a god).
**[[The Deceiver]], when not playing Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker with the Emperor and pals, seems to be [[Just As Planned|pulling strings]] all around the Materium. Has a special interest in stopping Kaldor Draigo from returning to realspace. Presumably, because he would become the avatar of Matt Ward, the <strike>[[Malal|Fifth]]</strike> Sixth god of Choas, and bring utter ruination to the material realm before the C'tan can bring utter ruination to the material realm.
*'''Clancy''': The traitor menial of an Imperial Cruiser who wants to kill a Primarch, and is obnoxiously polite and civil about the entire affair. His plans fail when Vulkan, Corax and all the other ~~important~~ characters survive the shipwreck he engineered and capture him; his backup plan (Exterminatus from via some "pals" dropping a Virus bomb on Attila from orbit) ends up similarly falling short, though he does escape captivity. He later returns as a high-ranking Boardmember of Jopall's government, and through pulling some strings and making a contract that Corvus signs, entraps the party on the planet through debt. Makes his escape shortly before Corvus bursts in the room leading an army of rebelling Guardsmen.

=== Others ===

*'''[[Horus|FUCKING HORUS]]''': Appears in the April Fool's episode, where he breaks into the Emperor's throne room and incapacitates him. The Emperor declares Horus can't win because he's all alone, but says he isn't as he gathered allies while he was clawing his way out of The Warp, all of whom are some of the dead/retconned/obscure characters in the fluff: [[The Beast]] (an Ork who waged one of the most successful WAAAGH!s in human history), [[Goge Vandire]] (the man responsible for the worst chapter in Imperial history after the Horus Heresy), [[Sindri Myr]], the Megarachnids (a footnote insectoid race in the fluff, who were hunted to extinction by the Astartes in the Great Crusade), the [[Squats]] (we all ''know'' who they are), [[Herman von Strab]] (one of the most inept commanders the Imperium has ever seen, who met his end in the 3rd War of Armageddon), the [[Old Ones]], the Techno-Barbarians of olden Terra, 3ED [[Carnifex|Old One Eye]] and [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kXU14hkuSI SLY MARBOOO!] (*cue explosions*) He subsequently declares himself as the new Emperor. Later appeared for real in the second Q&A in the "Retconnian" with Malal and the Squats, and calms Malal's tantrum like a parent consoling a child.
*'''[[Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka]]''': Currently beating up the Overfiend of Octarius, as in official lore. It's still unknown where Ghazzy's gonna fit into things, though it will likely be to assemble all Orks into a single Great WAAAGH!! Also seems to love making bad jokes.
[[Image:Cyph.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Cypher]]''': He has a very vague, mysterious plot involving the planet Orior and its STCs. This seems to take place not long after the [[Fallen_Angels#Ophidium Gulf Crusade Incident|Ophidium Gulf Crusade Incident]], as the Dark Angels managed to locate him by tracking his ship. He also seems to be skilled at disguise, as he manages to just waltz right into the Thunderhawk behind Azrael without any further comment. He's on his way towards Mars with the Dark Angels. Sicced the Dark Angels on The Fabricator General for a prank video
*'''[[Gork]] and [[Mork]] (or was it Mork and Gork?)''': The two Ork gods. They're a couple of dumbfucks who argue with each other in other people's conversations on Spacebook, with Gork not actually knowing he's using the Interwarp and trying to figure out how to use it while already on it.

[[Image:Text Marines.jpg|thumb|right]]
[[Image:Eliphas.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Felinids]]''': [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUuvHPr4BGk The ultimate let-down.] Possible inspiration for the news Cats film.
*'''[[Necron]]s''': They appear initially in a mini-episode by Karl. Necrons all speak with low-quality Text to Speech devices, except for the Lords who can afford higher quality devices. (Wait, does this mean the Emperor's communicator is technically Xenotech?) Shennanigans ensue when an unnamed Necron Lord discovers that his lowly minions can't pronounce certain things, so now all necrons make roflcopter sounds as their war cries. '''SOI SOI MOTHERFUCKER'''
*'''[[Stormcast Eternals|Ground Marines]]''': Introduced as a short spoof episode after the release of [[Age of Sigmar]], a group of Ultramarines determined to bring their superior selves to the service of [[Sigmar|"other Emperors"]] enter a portal and come out transformed as Stormcast Eternals, their appearance crushing a small group of [[The Empire (Warhammer Fantasy)|Empire]] Flagellants. Text then appeared expressing condolences for [[Warhammer Fantasy]] fans. Although non-canon, it's a jab at Games Workshop's need to crowbar Space Marines everywhere ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-MzNpMD1K8 as the Stormcast Eternals largely resemble the Space Marines]. Heck, their posterboy group even takes after [[Ultramarines|The Greatest Of Them All]] with the blue, white, and gold color scheme).
*'''[[Eliphas The Inheritor]]''': Makes a cameo in the second Q&A episode having sent a letter to the Emperor saying "Dear Corpse Emperor, Furk You." The episode then cuts to him laughing manically thinking he's so clever before the Emperor psychically punches him, promptly shutting him up.

*'''Ahriman 2.0''': [[Fabius Bile]]'s horribly disfigured clone of Ahzek Ahriman which he unveiled in the Slaaneshmas special, much to Lucius and the original Ahriman's horror. Fabius claimed it was a "work-in-progress", something which caused the clone to become so enraged that it psychically self-destructed moments after.
*'''The [[Angry Marines]]''': ''Might'' exist in the TTS-verse, but nobody knows for sure. "Angry Marines" was a popular answer in a poll on which loyalist chapter best embodies the concept of hatred, but nobody in the Imperial Palace knows who this might be referring to, and it was speculated that it may simply be a nickname. Either way, they were beaten by several other chapters, most notably the Black Templars and the [[Marines Malevolent]].
*'''[[Hassan]]''': First appeared in the Chaos Descends series attempting to sell camels to two of the main characters in the middle of nowhere, eventually convincing them to put up flyers for his business as a form of payment. He later appears in the main series, apparently having sold camels to the Ultramarines at some point.

*'''Voldorius''': An unfortunate Daemon Prince which got the attention of the Pillarstodes after reading about him in one of the books they got from the Black Library. They along with the Emperor and Rogal Dorn publicly mock him for being completely ineffective and incompetent to the point of having to rely on his subordinates to do everything for him.
*'''Uriah Olathaire:''' Yes, its the old man that the Emprah had a theological debate during [[The Last Church]]. His soul was summoned from The Warp by The Emperor, who was horrified that he turned into a Chaos worshiper. Ironically he is perfectly sane despite following Chaos. Unlike their first encounter, this time he actually IS a theologian and can shut down the Emperor's rather sophomoric arguments easily. He worships Chaos Undivided and paints them in a more neutral, legitimately non-malevolent light, highlighting how humanity needs Chaos to stay human and how Chaos needs humanity to continue to exist, making it a mutually-beneficial relationship. He originally wanted to justify the existence of Chaos, but due to the Emprah being a dick; he got fed up and instead started calling him on the hypocrisy of his Imperium and his ideals, such as his constant use of religious iconography and terms (despite wanting a secular empire), essentially doing the same thing old terran religions did to propagate their influence (although with a higher death count), among other things. He was eventually banished back into The Warp after dissing the holiness of the taco.
*'''Alfa Legion:''' Some of the creator's 40k self-inserts into 40K appear in Episode 10 after Emps makes an oddly specific remark about how "THERE COULD EVEN BE CHAPTERS CONSORTING AND ACCEPTING BOTH XENOS AND CHAOS WORSHIPPERS INTO THEIR RANKS. MAYBE EVEN CHAPTERS SO FUCKING RECLUSIVE AND HISTORICALLY INEPT THAT THEIR MERE EXISTENCE SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A DISGUSTINGLY HORRIBLE AND SHITTY FANFICTION." Taking the main TTS reaction thread into consideration, '''EMPS WAS ONE OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''' Currently have their souls contained in a box owned by Magnus, while [[Indrick Boreale|Boreale]] and [[Apollo Diomedes|Diomedes]] have become Magnus' idiot pets.
*'''Asterion Moloc:''' [[Minotaurs]] Chapter Master who appears briefly towards the end of the Slaaneshmas special, pwning a Tau with a Chaos Terminator.

==The Order of The Primarchs' Returns==
During the season 3 intro, the silhouettes the miniatures of all the primarchs seems to appear in the order they will first enter the show, as the order roughly corresponds with their actual in-series appearances so far, though this may just be the order of their apearances, not the order in which they return...

* [[Rogal Dorn]] - Around since the beginning of the series, although we don't find out it's Dorn until Episode 20.
* [[Magnus]] - Pops up in Episode 13 after being captured by the Ultrasmurfs.
* [[Vulkan]] - Returns after Cato Sicarius delivers the remaining Lost Artifacts of Vulkan in Episode 20.
* [[Leman Russ]] - Appears in the Warp in Episode 21, after Magnus banished the Inquisitors there in Episode 18.
* [[Corvus Corax]] - Can be heard attempting to get out of a building on Nocturne at the End of Episode 21, and appears in person during Episode 25.
* [[Ferrus Manus]]- Appears as a <s>'brainghost'</s> SKHOST in Vulkan's head when Vulkan returns at the beginning of Episode 20. Vulkan claims in the Bro Trip spinoff that he isn't the real Ferrus.
* [[Lion El'Jonson]] - Not yet featured, but Rogal Dorn might know where he is. Then again, maybe not. This IS The Lion we're talking about after all. Taking current events into consideration, he maybe awakening soon.
* [[Jaghatai Khan]] - Talked about extensively in Episode 24 and the White Scar podcast. The Ultramarines are on the rescue! Appears on a bike in Commorragh in Episode 29.
* [[Angron]] - Hasn't appeared in person, though Lucius mentions he and Kharn may be out on business.
* [[Perturabo]] - Hasn't appeared in person, but was prominently featured in a flashback in Episode 24.
* [[Lorgar]] - given a roasting in Episode 2, but nothing of note since then.
* [[Mortarion]] - A couple of jokes have been made at his expense, but he has yet to appear except in a brief flashback where he fell down the stairs.
* [[Fulgrim]] - Hasn't appeared in person, although he did contact Lucius the Eternal to inform him about Abbadon's 13th Black Crusade.
* [[Alpharius]] & [[Omegon]] - Emps refers to them as if they are one person.
* [[Konrad Curze]] - A few mentions, but it is safe to assume Konrad may not reappear in the current era. Emps briefly flashes back to a decision Konrad made that unwittingly starts off the whole Inquisition tyranny; a small portion of his appearance is seen during this flashback.
* [[Roboute Guilliman]] - No appearances, although occasionally referred to in the form of The Emperor demanding his life support being cut off. Hilarious in hindsight, given the events of Gathering Storm.
* [[Sanguinius]] - appeared in vision form during the Flesh Eater short and was spoken of at the end of the second Q&A, Episode 18.5 (may or may not consider the Sanguinor appearing as his first appearance)
* [[Horus]] - No appearances in the main series, although he has been seen in the April Fools and the second Q&A.
* The two missing Primarchs are asked about once but the emperor simply states "We don't talk about those guys"

==Main Theme Lyrics==
'''WE ARE THE GODS OF THE NEW WORLD ORDER.'''

'''WE ARE THE SOLDIERS, THE LEGION OF LIGHT.'''

'''WE ARE THE CENTER, THE DEATH OF THE SUN (SON).'''

'''FIRE AND FLAME.'''

'''WE ARE ONE.'''

(excerpt credit: Triarii - We Are One)

==Trivia==
* The Emperor's motivation for creating the Human Webway was obtaining [[Love Can Bloom|Eldar prostitutes]], and was afraid the Primarchs would [[Penitent Engine|tie him up]] [[Inquisition|if they heard about it]]. The other benefits were an afterthought.
* The Emperor's nose is plagued by a phantom-itch, courtesy of Nurgle. Tzeentch <s>believes</s> Believed the frustration will cause him to explode, destroying humanity and causing him to become a new Chaos God. He has since realize that the emperor is resigned to this. And as back up gave magnus the suggestion seen below.
* The Emperor firmly believes in Taco Friday, whereas Dorn believes in Taco Tuesday. This disagreement causes a minor civil war (A.K.A. the TTS-Version of the Dornian Heresy). Magnus ups the ante by believing that [[Warp|Taco ''Tuesday'' should be on ''Friday'']].
* The Emperor (officially) did not create any [[Female Space Marines]] because "girls are yucky." It is implied the real reason he didn’t is because Slaanesh ruined the idea.
* The Emperor's left eye was accidentally poked out by Rogal Dorn's iron halo while attaching him to the Golden Throne. However, in older depictions of the Emperor's duel with Horus, it was one of the wounds inflicted upon him (he also broke many bones, burned the Emperor's hair, poisoned him, etc.).
* Some of the Emperor's previous personas included Moses, Michael Jackson, Robert Downey Jr., and [[Chris-Chan]]. All these, especially the latter shows just how much of a troll Big E is.
* The Emperor's shattered psyche can access knowledge of the 4th wall. This is not always available.
* The Emperor approves of the Tau in theory, although in practice only those willing to engage in melee. So basically just the [[Farsight|Farsight Enclaves]].
* In fact, the Emperor is fine with tolerating any xenos that aren't a threat to mankind. Absolute eradication is unnecessary if regulation suffices.
* Despite his intentions for the Imperial Truth involving suffocating the Chaos Gods, the Emperor's attempts at atheism were in fact making [[Necoho|an actual god of disbelief]]... according to Magnus.
* The Emperor can shape the [[Astronomicon]] so that he can flip the bird to the rest of the galaxy.
* Has a known hobby: Plays a children's card game (Yu-Gi-Oh) with a clearly cheesy, overpowered and unfair deck... that, like most [[cheese]], was destroyed as soon as it came across a hard counter. [[Horus Heresy|Apparently Emprah still hasn't learnt the lesson about why using OP stuff is a very bad idea.]] It later turns out that Tzeentch is the only person he can play with. Tzeentch's deck is similarly cheesy, but relies more on combos. Both of them also make heavy use of banned cards and have a rather... loose grasp on the actual rules.
* The Emperor has called for a second Council of Nikea. This one has nothing to do with Magnus; ironically, it's centered on the Space ''Corgis'', and the fact that the [[wikipedia:Woodland Critter Christmas|friendly woodland critters]] of Fenris that the Wolves commune with are actually daemons. We've yet to see Magnus' and Leman Russ' reaction to the news, but it's guaranteed to be hilarious.
* He has also ordered [[Logan Grimnar]] to deliver presents to all the good little boys and girls in the Imperium on Sanguinala.
* While he has a number of colorful insults for his subordinates, including the primarchs, he also has pet names for his sons, such as "my little Magnymagic", "RogalyDonDon", and "my Fabulous Fucking Hawk-Boy".
* The First Founding was originally named the [[Only Founding]], and was renamed after [[Codex Astartes|Guilliman's fuck up]].
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RuE2waTrXKk The Emperor disapproves of the saying "Life is the Emperor's currency"].
* The Emperor's flaming sword sounds like a squeaky toy hammer (at least when he bashed Tzeentch's faces in).
* Magnus identifies with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
* The Emperor believes gold is the greatest color of them all, and that all other colors are equally inferior.
** He likely doesn't consider Platinum to be a true color in that case.
* There is a chance that the popularity of TTS has influenced Warhammer Gaming as a whole. Every big Warhammer game that has come out since TTS has had cutscenes somewhat similar to those of the series, and actual canon for 40k has progressed in a generally similar direction. Some have accused Games Workshop of copying what they like from it, while others say the series inspired GW writers to get off their asses and make something actually new.
** [[Aaron Dembski-Bowden]] is [https://www.reddit.com/r/Warhammer/comments/7igatt/im_aaron_dembskibowden_ask_me_anything/dqykv2l/ confirmed to be "a big fan" of TTS], actually. Ironically, he started watching it after people drew comparisons between Master of Mankind and the series.
** Furthering the influence, Alfa made an entire episode of the TTS cast playing [[Stellaris]] at the behest of that game's devs. It is about as disastrous as expected.
* Reading the book ''Inquisitor'' by [[Ian Watson]] causes disgust and trauma to several of the characters present, in no small part due to [[Jaq Draco]] constantly lusting after his [[Callidus]] assassin disguised as a [[genestealer]], as well as the overly long description of the Slaaneshi planet in the Eye of Terror. Even Boy has horrifying visions in his missing eye after what he's experienced. Karstodes, on the other hand, seems to have confused it with an exceptionally weird ''[[Harry Potter]]'' story in a bout of impressive illiteracy, while Magnus seems to halfway enjoy the reading, even if only to riff off several of the excerpts and provide a contrast to the less-than-enthusiastic approach of the others present.
** Additionally, there are apparently in-universe surviving records of fucking [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stanley_Kubrick Stanley Kubrick] briefly considering adapting Draco as his next movie. This is based on the movie ''A.I. Artificial Intelligence'' coming about partly because of a 90-page treatment written by [[Ian Watson]] under Kubrick's supervision, a fact brought up several times throughout the podcast, along with [http://www.visual-memory.co.uk/amk/doc/0094.html Kubrick seriously considering Inquisition for his next movie]. Interestingly, this makes Kubrick one of the oldest known historical figures in the TTS-verse, although his name has been corrupted over the millennia.
* Ever wondered what Big E and the Primarchs would do if they saw this hilariously bizarre version of their future? Someone named Preator98 on Space Battles does. Hence the 40k fanfiction based on the 40k fanfiction known as [https://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/if-the-emperor-watched-the-text-to-speech-device.408752/ If the Emperor watched the Text To Speech Device] was born! Follow the threadmarks to read the whole thing, and go to the [https://forums.spacebattles.com/threads/if-the-emperor-watched-tts-extras-thread.508247/ Extras Thread] to read more Primach/Emperor reactions to other fanfics such as the [[Alternate Heresy|Roboutian Heresy]].

==Gallery==
===Quotes and snippets===
<gallery>
Image:Text To Heresy.png| If [[/d/]] still existed in 40k you can bet the Emperor would purge it.
Image:NotCanonShout.gif| What happens whenever someone mentions Shadowsun around Kitten.
Image:EmperorSureal.gif| Emp's reaction to most things that have happened to the Imperium.
Image:EmperorDisgraceful.gif| Likewise.
Image:EmperorPunchesTzeentch.gif| The Emperor taking out his frustration on a certain [[Tzeentch|indecisive mollusk]].
Image:MagnusRant.gif| Magnus is not a fan of the Imperium's general intelligence levels.
Image:DeciusHatBoner.gif| What passes for "Religious Ecstasy" in the Ecclesiarchy.
Image:UltraFucknCrying.gif| Calgar's disappointment over the flanderization of the Ultramarines is palpable.
Image:PillarstodesEntrance.gif| [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUhVCoTsBaM| *Cue Awaken.mp3*]
Image:AhrimanEXCUSEME.gif| Ahriman is a very grumpy boss.
Image:SlaaneshPatrol.gif| If you hear EDM outside, don't answer the door. EVER.
Image:HighLordsIllegal.gif| The High Lords in a nutshell.
Image:SuddenlyDaemons.gif| Magnus' original fuckup barely fazed him at the time.
Image:EmperorSpanking.jpg| The Emperor is the ideal father figure.
Image:UltraSmurfingNecrons.gif| Calgar engaging in a little Ultraviolence.
Image:RussWolfWarfare.jpg| Leman Russ' version of the infamous Navy Seal Copypasta.
</gallery>

===Fanart===
<gallery>
Image:NOT CANON.png|Kitten with his TOTALLY NOT CANON girlfriend [[Shadowsun]].
File:Kitten and shadowsun tragic story by khornez.jpg|''Tale as old as time...''
File:KittenCustodesbyAdeptusAdamaris.jpg|Turns out the nickname wasn't an accident.
File:NotCanonbyMagnifical.jpg
File:Luscious lucius prankz gone heretical 2016 by sexual yeti.png
File:TTS Rogal by eightball6219.jpg|When a tech-priest asks for a toaster, you give him a damn toaster!
</gallery>

==External Links==

* [https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLyiDf91_bTEgnBN0jAvzNbqzrlMGID5WA The entire series.]
* [https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/WebAnimation/IfTheEmperorHadATextToSpeechDevice TV Tropes's page, for extra references.]
* [http://if-the-emperor-had-a-texttospeech-device.wikia.com/wiki/If_The_Emperor_Had_a_Text-To-Speech_Device_Wiki And a whole wiki to cover the show, too]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqbQ_oKmflM A remix cover of the ending theme by StringStorm, check his other remixes too.]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzPuK1vib_c Not content with his first remix, StringStorm made a second one.]

[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]]

Primarch

2021-03-06T12:07:34Z

2A02:1811:5185:DD00:4437:1569:764C:54A3: /* Primarchs and Legions */

[[Image:Primarchs big.JPG|thumb|right|500px|Several of the Primarchs at the Triumph of the Ullanor Crusade. From left to right: Sanguinius, Mortarion, Magnus the Red, Angron, Jaghatai Khan, Lorgar, Rogal Dorn, Horus, and Fulgrim.]]
{{Topquote|Man must become stronger, more profound and more evil.|Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra: A Book for All and None}}
{{Topquote|According to the word of God, the meek would someday inherit the earth. Someday. But God never accounted for the mighty.|Norman McCay, Kingdom Come}}
{{Topquote|There is but one good, and that is God. Everything else is good when it looks to him and bad when it turns from him. And the higher and mightier it is in the natural order, the more demoniac it will be if it rebels. It's not out of bad mice or bad fleas you make demons, but out of bad archangels.|C.S. Lewis}}
The '''Primarchs''' were the twenty ([[Omegon|-one]]) genetically-engineered sons of [[The Emperor]] and the female [[Perpetual]] [[Erda]]. Using both His and Her DNA in their creation, the Primarchs were designed to be far superior to even <s>[[Space Marines]]</s> the Adeptus Custodes: they were taller, stronger, faster and more intelligent. Artificial Perpetuals, to replace the Perpetuals that left His great plan throughout history. Certainly faster and stronger, but the intelligence they display, especially in the Horus Heresy books, seem to be limited to their own specialities, making them [[Roboute Guilliman|oddly]] [[Vulkan|normal]] in some cases and [[Perturabo|fatally]] [[Magnus the Red|underdeveloped]] in other areas. They were also incredibly charismatic and were well suited to their role as the generals and leaders of the Imperium of Man.

Problem was, despite all that they were only human, and ultimately their sibling rivalries (and Chaos corruption, in the case of several of them) boiled over and ultimately developed into the [[Horus Heresy]].

==History==
[[File:Warmaster's_Coronation.jpg|300px|left|thumb|Horus Lupercal being made Warmaster of the Imperium in Ullanor. From center counter-clockwise: Horus, the Emperor, Magnus, Mortarion, Lorgar, Angron, Jaghatai Khan, Rogal Dorn, Rogal Dorn's mustache, Fulgrim and Sanguinius.]]
The Primarchs began as a continuation of the Emperor’s [[Thunder Warriors|Thunder Warrior]] legions and were successors to [[the Angel]]. Each of the 20 proto-legions were led by a general analogue called a Primarch. Unlike the later leaders of the Legiones Astartes, the thunder warrior Primarchs were the same as the troops they led and were hand picked by the Emperor for their skill and command ability. The instability (both physical, genetic, and mental) of the thunder warriors led the Emperor to try and find more stable and powerful generals to lead his armies. It can be safely assumed that the original Primarchs were killed in the line of duty or purged before history could record them thoroughly. The only one named thus far was Ushotan of the 4th Legio Cataegis - then known as the Iron Lords. Valdor considered him almost an equal in terms of his martial and command ability but was disturbed by his innate bloodlust and susceptibility to the then nascent effects of Chaos.

The modern Primarchs were created in a secret underground laboratory on what used to be the Himalayas, under the tightest security. All of them were derived from a subset of both the perpetual Erda and the Emperor's DNA that served as a template, which was altered differently for each of the Primarchs; it is also thought that he engineered them spiritually as well using long-forgotten psychic techniques. As the [[Raven Guard]] discovered after the Emperor granted them access to the original data from the Primarchs' creation, many of the Primarchs' gene-samples were wildly divergent from the original template- some had long gene sequences deleted, while others had non-human DNA spliced into them for reasons only known to the Emperor. (A particularly intriguing discovery was one sample labeled "[[Leman Russ|Subject VI]]", [[Furry| which had extensive amounts of canine DNA added to it]].)

[[File:BabyPrimarchs.jpg|300px|right|thumb|The Master of Mankind raises his eighteen babies as devoted father. The [[Grimdark|truth]] is less [[Anime|kawaii desu]].]]
The Emperor's original plan was to have His superhuman creations mature safely in His lab and guide them from 'birth' toward the role He'd foreseen for them. However, Erda did not want for her sons what the Emperor had planned for them and herself, caused the Scattering. Much to the delight of [[Chaos]] and in spite of the safeguards the Emperor had set up, the Ruinous Powers were able to spirit the Primarchs away from the laboratory right before they would emerge from their pods and scatter them across the universe (Conveniently, the canine sample get scattered to a wolf-planet) [[Just as planned]]. For whatever reason (though it is likely that he divined the future before the [[Age of Strife]] and figured out the Horus Heresy and him ending up on the Golden Throne and creating an eternal stalemate was best outcome, so it might have been [[Just as Planned]] on his part), the Emperor did not punish Erda and she was allowed to live out her immortal life in seclusion, in the remnants of Africa. She would always love her sons. Somehow, the Emperor knew his sons were still alive but had no clue to where they could be nor any immediate way to search for them. So he took it in stride, shrugged it off as a minor setback (unknowingly, this would come to bite him back in the ass nastily later on) and went ahead with the second part of his plan: his Space Marine project. Using DNA samples from each Primarch before they were abducted, the Emperor created twenty legions of [[Space Marines]], in what would later be called the [[First Founding]]. They would form the core of the armies He needed to conquer the galaxy, and the absence of the Primarchs leading those would only serve as a motivation for the warriors to search for them.

One consequence of the abduction, however was that each of the young Primarchs were forced to adapt to the lifestyle on their new homeworld, something which would influence and mold them throughout their lives. The Primarchs rapidly grew to adulthood and quickly rose to power, often becoming the leaders of their world. As the Emperor crusaded to unify the galaxy he would occasionally stumble upon another long-lost son. When this happened, the Emperor would hold a celebration in honor of this discovery, give the Primarch their Legion to command, then tell them to [[Angron|fuck]] [[Mortarion|off]] [[Lorgar|and start]] [[Alpharius|conquering]] [[Perturabo|worlds]] while he [[Horus|fapped]] [[Rogal Dorn|to]] [[Sanguinius|his]] [[Leman Russ|favoured]] [[Roboute Guilliman|offspring]]. The Emperor was a [[Eldrad|dick]] like that. (Or rather, he never saw the Primarchs as 'sons', just as carefully crafted tools to enforce his will and vision so he in essence made them get at it on the double to catch up with His schedule. Which is actually even more [[Cegorach|Dickish]].)

The first Primarch the Emperor discovered was Horus, who would become the Emperor's favoured son. The majority of Primarchs somehow recognized the Emperor on sight, immediately pledging their allegiance to their father. A few (such as Leman Russ and Vulkan) only swore allegiance after being bested in a contest. The only exception is Angron, who outright refused to follow the Emperor as he preferred to die in battle along with his rebels brothers and sisters in their fight against the oppressive Not-Romans. The Emperor simply shrugged and abducted his son, leaving Angron's followers to get slaughtered. Angron never really got over that dick move.

Primarch discovery order:
*1.Horus
*2.Leman Russ
*3.DELETED FROM IMPERIAL RECORDS, DAMNATIO MEMORIAE IN PERPETUAM
*4.Ferrus Manus
*5.Fulgrim
*6.Vulkan
*7.Rogal Dorn
*8.Roboute Guilliman
*9.Magnus the Red
*10.Sanguinius
*11.Lion El'Jonson
*12.Perturabo
*13.Mortarion
*14.Lorgar
*15.Jaghatai Khan
*16.Konrad Curze
*17.Angron
*18.DELETED FROM IMPERIAL RECORDS, DAMNATIO MEMORIAE IN PERPETUAM
*19.Corax
*20.Alpharius Omegon

At the end of the period known as the [[Great Crusade]], Horus, who had recently been promoted to the title of Warmaster, fell to Chaos and rebelled. It didn't take long for eight other of his fellow Primarchs to join his side against the Emperor, resulting in a full-scale civil war known as the [[Horus Heresy]]. Funnily enough, most of the Primarchs who sided with Horus were those who felt that the Emperor had taken a giant, steaming dump on them. So while the Emperor is the greatest tactician, biologist, warlord, and leader in the history of mankind, he's worse than a crack-addled transient junkie as a father.

As mentioned above, the Emperor's attitude toward his Primarchs was also heavily divergent to that of the greater Imperium. Whilst he indulged them in the idea that they were his "sons", privately, he didn't view the Primarchs as his literal children, analogising himself as Gepetto to 20 (21) different Pinocchio's. The Emperor even referred to Angron as "The Twelfth" rather than refer to him by name. Although this seems like typical Emperor douchebaggery, he may have behaved in this way because the Primarchs themselves prompted that dynamic, and it was easier to just go along with it. [[Leman Russ]] once boasted to [[Adeptus Custodes|Constantin Valdor]] that the Custodians would never understand the Emperor like the Primarchs could because they weren't "family", even calling the Custodians the "instruments" to be tossed aside when He cared to; Valdor's response was ''"there are so many errors there, I do not even know where to start"''.

Malcador also claimed that the Primarchs were but a means to an end; designed to be ''"conqueror's tools and nothing more"'', built to dominate and compete with each other, eventually intended to challenge each other and eventually confront the Emperor himself, he further claimed that the Primarchs had no free will and that a civil war like the Horus Heresy had always been part of the Emperor's design, although he later admits that he had to lie to spare his servant sorrow on her deathbed, so it is probable that the Primarchs were simply beyond expected control (the lie that Malc was referring to likely related to him assuring her that when she died the Emperor would protect her soul, essentially perpetuating the idea that the Emperor was a "god", than claiming that the Emperor had promised him that this wouldn't happen). In a separate instance: Valdor claimed ''"we turned on one another, driven by pride and human resentment"'' which assumes some measure of responsibility for the Heresy rather than completely blaming the Primarchs, and after that point he wasn't prepared to challenge [[Rogal Dorn]] over decisions regarding the fate of the Custodes, even though he believes he had the capacity to challenge Dorn on the matter, calling the Primarchs ''"creatures of power, built to dominate"''; all hinting that while they may have had an original function, they probably turned out quite differently from expected and the final result might not necessarily have been them turning on each other and fucking up the human webway. Although Valdor did once angrily claim that the entire debacle could have been avoided if the Custodians had just intervened at the Primarch's births.

Despite all this, the Emperor still refers to the Primarchs as his "sons" in private revelations with Malcador, though in the same instance while playing out the strategy of the Horus Heresy using their destinies he is absolutely aware that in order to win the game against Chaos they need to be played against each other: sacrificed or [[Tzeentch|manipulated]] in order to get the best possible outcome. Malcador does point out that there are different ways to play the game and realizes that destinies can unfold in different ways and that the Emperor is forced to make certain decisions in order to avoid losing outright, so the battle unfolds the same way no matter what strategies are used. Only the final outcome was kept from Malcador until it became clear that the only way to win was for his piece ''("the Fool")'' to switch places with the Emperor in the final move, quite possibly at an absolute cost to his immortal soul and leave the [[Roboute Guilliman|"Uncrowned King"]] piece to play [[Warhammer 40,000 8th Edition|"Salvation"]]. So seems that the Emperor manipulated '''everybody''', but only did so to achieve the best outcome for humanity based on the plays available to him. Of course, whether or not this was as the Emperor planned, or just him being forced into these decisions by the more subtle actions of Chaos taken while he was busy attempting to stop the Ork doom counter of becoming too powerful and rebuilding to Krork without a sufficiently militarized galactic superpower to hold them in check for eternity, is up for debate.

==Primarchs and Legions==
{|align=center border="1" cellpadding="1" cellspacing="0"
|-
|align=center|'''Legion Number'''
|align=center|'''Name'''
|align=center|'''Homeworld'''
|align=center|'''Name of the Legion'''
|align=center|'''Allegiance'''
|align=center|'''Description/Current Status'''
|align=center|'''30k/40k'''
|-
|align=center|'''I'''
|align=center|[[Image: Lion_El%27Jonson_portrait.jpg|thumb|250px|]] [[Lion El'Jonson]]
|align=center|[[Caliban]]
|align=center|[[Dark Angels]]
|align=center|ULTRA LOYAL, maybe even more than Rogal Dorn.
|align=center|
*Crushes the horrors of Old Night, destroys worlds, whole civilizations, erase stuff from history.
*Sees himself as a man that no one else can compare to and constantly toils to maintain this standard (although he wasn't as excessively vainglorious as Fulgrim).
*Unlike Fulgrim however, The Lion's greatness caused him to be a hardcore pragmatist and largely detached from everyone around him. The Lion just couldn't relate to anyone else not even close to his level (even most of his brother primarchs couldn't fit the bill), so he always felt alone in the universe.
*Was a bit of a loose cannon with a long but explosive fuse. The Lion is as smart and introspective as he is merciless and brutal. He wasn't necessarily easy to piss off like Angron, but anyone who manages to cross his threshold of patience will find themselves on the business end of his weapon. Several times. And possibly dismembered to boot.
*Fought Luther during his betrayal at the end of the Horus Heresy, where he was wounded from their duel. He survived however, and was spirited away and tended to by the [[Watchers in the Dark]] in a super secret chamber in [[The Rock]] (that not even the Dark Angels knew about), where he spent the last millennia healing his wounds. As of the current edition; The Lion is now supposedly fully healed and all he's waiting for is the Emperor to tell him to wake up from his millennia-long power nap.
|align=center|[[Image:Lord of the First.jpg|thumb|150px|]][[File:Lion vs Curze.jpg|150px|thumb|right|]][[File:Horus-Heresy-Lion-Great Crusade.jpeg|150px|thumb|right|]]
|-
|align=center|'''II'''
|! colspan="5" |+++Records expunged+++
|-
|align=center|'''III'''
|align=center|[[Image: Portrait.Fulgrim_Ancient_Sketch.jpg|thumb|250px|]] [[Fulgrim]]
|align=center|[[Chemos]]
|align=center|[[Emperor's Children]]
|align=center|Traitor
|align=center|
*A patron of the arts, who wanted to enjoy the finest and most exotic things in life.
*Believes that he and his legion should be the avatar of humanity's perfection, and so everything about them should be flawless, everywhere from appearance and actions to their fighting style. Due to this, Fulgrim's battle tactics revolved around utterly perfecting their strategies. Everything from his soldiers to their strategies were intensely drilled until their fighting was closer to a intricately-choreographed play of death than anything. To him, war is an art, and he wanted to perfect his arts.
*A master blacksmith in his own right, capable of forging weapons that even [[Ferrus Manus]] couldn't help but deem "perfect". His artwork however, wasn't always the best in the universe due to being so perfect it hit uncanny valley levels.
*Was initially corrupted by Chaos through the Laer blade, a Slaaneshi-possesed daemon sword he looted as a trophy, but wasn't aware of what Chaos was. He would fully give in to the temptations of the sword after he beheaded Ferrus Manus, where his utter grief at the act caused him to succumb to the daemon within the sword.
*Daemon Prince of Slaanesh, ruler of the Pleasure World. <s>Fulgrim's actual consciousness however, may or may not also be still imprisoned within his own body by</s> the daemon who possessed him in the first place was eventually conquered by Fulgrim's inner will or whatever, but his new personality is generic "DEMON PRINCE OF THE DARKNESS AND EVIL".
*Managed to incapacitate Guilliman at one point by slicing his throat with a poisoned sword.
*Still has a soft-spot for his brother Ferrus. He asked [[Fabius Bile|Fabulous Bile]] to clone his brother several times so that he could attempt to lure Ferrus into Chaos' side again. All his attempts have ended in failure, which he has blamed Fabius for due to his certainty that a "perfect" clone would join him.
*Heard about [[Roboute Guilliman|Big G]] waking up and is a bit buttmad about it at the moment. He tried to give Guilliman a cursed artifact during his return party, but was found out and subsequently banished. Needless to say: he mad.
|align=center|[[Image: Fulgrim.30k.jpeg|thumb|150px|]][[Image: 40k.fulgrim.jpg|thumb|150px|]][[Image:Warhammer-fuldrim-lorgar.jpeg|thumb|150px|]]
|-
|align=center|'''IV'''
|align=center|[[Image: Perturabo_Portrait.jpg|thumb|250px|]] [[Perturabo]]
|align=center|[[Olympia]]
|align=center|[[Iron Warriors]]
|align=center|Traitor
|align=center|
*A man who already had the knowledge to create the best at everything he did from birth. Perturabo considered this a curse however, feeling it robbed him of any sense of accomplishment while growing up, contributing to his eternal grumpiness.
*Originally preferred diplomacy and was an admirer of the arts during his time in Olympia, but meeting the Emperor (who had no time for such things) caused a violent switch to flip inside Perturabo's mind, turning him into a ruthless warlord throughout the Great Crusade, likely because he wanted things to be different from Olympia once he joined E-money, but once he realized that The Great Crusade was basically Olympia 2.0; he just gave up, flipped the table, and accepted how things really are and played the part.
*Just as much as a master of siege warfare as Dorn (both in offense and defense), but the lack of opportunities and recognition led him and his legion to be specialists of tearing shit down.
*Unlike Dorn however, Perturabo's general strategy is a combination of stubbornness and ice cold-calculating efficiency, orchestrating war like it was one giant math problem. The problem with this is that he didn't even see his sons as people. As far as he was concerned, they're just armored meatbags who pull triggers and push buttons and were about as expendable as guardsmen.
*Suffers from a massive inferiority complex, partially due to his certainty that the Eye of Terror was always watching and judging him. Nobody believed him when he said this, so it was mostly attributed to Rogal Dorn, whom the Emperor ''greatly'' favored over Pert, despite having similar skillsets.
*Daemon Prince, ruler of Medrengard. Described as the ultimate Obliterator; so expect him to be carrying around titan grade weaponry and millennia of pent-up [[Rage|RAEG]] when he finely shows up. Given that Magnus, Fulgrim, and Mortarion are back in action; he'll probably come out eventually as well.
|align=center|[[Image: 30k.Perturabo.jpeg|thumb|150px|]][[Image:Warhammer-Pert-Angron.jpeg|thumb|150px|]]
|-
|align=center|'''V'''
|align=center|[[Image:Karn.port.jpg|thumb|250px|]] [[Jaghatai Khan]]
|align=center|[[Chogoris|Chogoris/<br>Mundus Planus]]
|align=center|[[White Scars]]
|align=center|Loyal
|align=center|
*A hard and stern Primarch, he rarely smiles and almost never laughs. Throughout the Heresy he’s often depicted as an introvert who only keeps the counsel of a hand select group. Though rather than making him into a recluse, he's fully capable of being charismatic when he needs to. The Khan is quiet, but he can quickly become the warrior: smile, laugh, bellow and be powerful when he sees the need.
*Encourages a painfully 'liberating' leadership structure on the White Scars. Every Khan (basically Chapter Master) has an extremely high level of autonomy - a byproduct of the steppes. Causes a lot of problems for logistics and cooperation with allies.
*Many Primarchs became a product of their homeworld, the Khan definitely did. He idolises the ways of [[Chogoris]] and venerates its lifestyle. A very Taoist and Confucian way of seeing things, no one else in the Imperium truly understands this, a fact that further isolates the White Scars from the wider Imperium. The White Scars is the amalgamation of Asian culture in the HH, it’s the most different and alien Legion simply because it tries to adopt a Asian-centric style.
*Has a strained relationship with the Emperor. On one hand he recognises the need of the Imperium and has always directly supported it. On the other hand, a major identity point for the Khan's character is his hatred of Empire and Emperors. On Chogoris he killed a lot of emperors and destroyed a lot of Empires. He sees Emperors and Empires as ultimately flawed and has a very low respect for them.
*Tying in with this hatred of Empire is his hatred of stagnation. Every Emperor he killed was fat, and this made him become a person who hates the easiest path. A big motivator for him during the novel Scars was his rejection of the path most travelled. The Khan's greatest fear is stagnating, so he will likely always chose the hardest option because of that. Emphasising this, The Khan is also described as being a compulsive, a part of him is always moving.
*The Khan really didn't like the Imperium, in Warhawk of Chogoris he flatly stated that the White Scars would leave the Imperium if he felt the Emperor was not respecting the White Scars enough.
*Unknown, disappeared into the [[Webway]] while hunting [[Dark Eldar]] after they raided Chogoris.
|align=center|[[Image:Past Khan.jpg|thumb|150px|]][[Image:The path of heaven .jpg|thumb|150px|]]
|-
|align=center|'''VI'''
|align=center|[[Image: Portrait..Leman.Russ.jpg|thumb|250px|]] [[Leman Russ]]
|align=center|[[Fenris]]
|align=center|[[Space Wolves]]
|align=center|Loyal
|align=center|
*Had a high opinion of himself and his legion, if only because he felt that he's earned that kind of respect through the centuries. Of all the Primarchs, Leman was the one most willing to cross any line to do what the Emperor asked, at least at first. Later on, he decided to become his own man and protect the people of the Imperium. Also notable for curbing the more savage tendencies of the Wolves and teaching them to control their ferocity, unlike [[Angron|some]] [[Konrad Curze|people]].
*Wanted to test his legion all the time, to prove he is the best.
*Unknown, disappeared into the [[Eye of Terror]] with the 13th company but promised to return one day. Magnus supposedly knows where he is, but he isn't telling. The Wolves found <s>his armor in a Khornate Shrine</s> an armor rumoured to be his on the Temple of Horus on Rudra, implying he either; turned into [[Wulfen]], to [[Chaos]], is dead, or is murdering his way through the warp [[Conan_the_Barbarian|as a half-naked barbarian]]. Allegedly a figure resembling him was spotted with the 13th company during the 13th crusade.
|align=center|[[Image:30k.Russ.jpg|thumb|150px|]][[Image:Scouring of Prospero2.jpg|thumb|150px|]][[Image:Horus_vs_Leman.jpg|thumb|150px|]]
|-
|align=center|'''VII'''
|align=center|[[Image: Rogal_Dorn_Portrait.png|thumb|250px|]] [[Rogal Dorn]]
|align=center|[[Inwit]]
|align=center|[[Imperial Fists]]
|align=center|MEGA DUPER Loyal
|align=center|
*A brutally honest and steadfast man, but was equally indifferent to those around him. Dorn's personality is akin to a wall, he was a man you could take at face value; he would never lie or deceive you, and he would always speak his mind without a hint of falsehood, even if it ends up working against his favor. That said, he could never properly relate with other people's emotions. He will speak the truth, but lacked any glib of tongue to express it in a way that wouldn't feel like he was delivering it with the bluntness and intensity of a power fist to the face.
*Embodied the "soul" of the Great Crusade unlike any other; he received the most accolades from the Emperor and fought alongside him most often.
*A master of siegecraft, although fortifications was his forte. So much that he was tasked with fortifying the Imperial Palace. He would also build grand fortresses on the worlds they conquered.
*Assumed deceased, disappeared while boarding a Chaos cruiser during a Black Crusade.<br>One of his fists were recovered and its skeleton is placed in a shrine, where each new Chapter Master of the Imperial Fists engraves their name upon it. Rumored to still be alive, though that begs the question of whose fist is in the Phalanx, though he could just be missing a hand.
|align=center|[[Image:The horus heresy praetorian of dorn by raffetin-dae3g5k.jpg|thumb|150px|]][[Image:Dorn-Sang-Primarchs-Warhammer-.jpeg|thumb|150px|]][[Image:Warhammer-Dorn-malc.jpeg|thumb|150px|]]
|-
|align=center|'''VIII'''
|align=center|[[Image: Portrait.Konrad_Curze_sketch.jpg|thumb|250px|]] [[Konrad Curze]]
|align=center|[[Nostramo]]
|align=center|[[Night Lords]]
|align=center|Traitor
|align=center|
*A man of justice who believed that he needed to instill absolute fear into people to ensure lasting peace.
*Possessed psychic powers that allowed him to perceive the future in short glimpses. The problem was that they were uncontrolled and they constantly subjected him to see the worst possible future in the darkest, most vivid detail possible, including the deaths and fall of his brother Primarchs as well as the Emperor's own entombment on the Golden Throne. This only served to widen his ever-growing insanity.
*An unstable sociopath, to say the least. Curze's visions, upbringing, and perceived need for brutality took a heavy toll on his sanity, but he held firm under the belief he was making the galaxy a better place, like what he did with Nostramo. This all came crashing down after Nostramo reverted back to its old ways when he was away; deciding that nothing would ever change, he chose to bombard his home planet into rubble.
*That said, he was a master at infiltration and unconventional warfare, just as much as he was a master of scaring the shit out of people. His crowning achievement is that he managed to fuck up Guilliman's Imperium Secundus by himself, no aid from his legion what-so-ever, something his brothers couldn't even come close into doing.
*Lost what little sanity he still had after destroying Nostramo. By this time, Konrad stopped justifying his methods to himself and fully embraced the depraved side of his "Night Haunter" persona, spreading untold terror and pain wherever he went. By the time of the late Horus Heresy, the Emperor wanted to put a stop to it and sent a Callidus assassin named "M'shen" after him.
*Curze knew about her mission from the get-go but he made sure the assassin could reach him unimpeded. He did not resist when she entered his chambers and asked the Callidus to kill him. There are believed to be two reasons why this might have been. One is that Konrad realized he became the very thing he sought to rid the galaxy of and knew what had to be done- a perceived hero who lived long enough to see himself become a villain. The other is that the assassination vindicated everything he'd ever said and done; he punished and killed evil-doers and now the Emperor used his own methods to kill him, thus proving that all his atrocities were both justifiable and necessary. Whatever the case, Konrad was already a jaded, broken man after the Nostramo debacle and wished only to die.
|align=center|[[Image:Konrad-Curze-Primarchs-Warhammer-.jpeg|thumb|150px|]][[Image:Night Haunter 8th Ed.jpg|thumb|150px|]][[Image:Horus-Primarchs-Curze-Lion.jpeg|thumb|150px|]]
|-
|align=center|'''IX'''
|align=center|[[Image:SanguiniusArt5mt.jpg|thumb|250px|]][[Sanguinius]]
|align=center|[[Baal]]
|align=center|[[Blood Angels]]
|align=center|Loyal
|align=center|
*A noble but unparalleled warrior, known for the angel-like wings that grew from his back.
*Was known as the greatest exemplar of the Emperor himself, mirroring many of his father's best traits, instead of only one or two of them like his brothers. If anything, Sanguinius is a reflection of what the Emperor could have been as a truly benevolent being, concerned not just for mankind's future, but man as individuals as well.
*A pretty cool guy to be around. Despite being a fabulous, angelic demi-god of war; he had mankind's best wishes at heart and fought for it with graceful ferocity, hell even the Primarchs couldn't resist Sanguinius being so bro-tier. He is essentially the vampiric, bishie version of Vulkan.
*Showed the same amount of concern for his legion. Sanguinius did all that he could to hide the Red Thirst from being exposed to the wider Imperium, knowing full well that the Blood Angels would receive the II/XI Legion treatment if it came to light.
*Psychic, and capable of seeing glimpses of the future.
*He was powerful as he was nice, Sanguinius was one of the most powerful of the Primarchs in terms of martial prowess. Feats include; ripping the wings off a bloodthirster and literally throwing him to the warp, single-handedly holding a defensive point during the Siege of Terra against numerous traitors, and managing to damage Horus' armor ''even after being exhausted from literally soloing entire armies''.
*Deceased, slain by Horus. His body is currently in a stasis crypt in Baal, so his corpse remained fabulous for the last 10,000 years. Commemorated during Sanguinala, a holiday dedicated to his memory.
|align=center|[[Image:Heresy-Sang.jpg|thumb|150px|]][[Image:The horus heresy book 26 unremembered empire by raffetin-dap4ekw.jpg|thumb|150px|]][[Image:Emperor Sanguinius Echoes of Imperium.jpg|thumb|150px|]]
|-
|align=center|'''X'''
|align=center|[[Image: Portrait.Ferrus_Manus_sketch.jpg|thumb|250px|]] [[Ferrus Manus]]
|align=center|[[Medusa]]
|align=center|[[Iron Hands]]
|align=center|Extremely Loyal
|align=center|
*Wants to get things done quickly, without needless philosophizing.
*Contrary to his sons; Ferrus wanted to advocate the strength of one's flesh, rather than relying completely on bionics and mechanical augmentations as shown by the Iron Hands, if any he was appalled at the idea of turning man completely into machine. He wasn't able to realize this after getting a viking crewcut by his best friend, however.
*A master artisan, thanks to his metal arms, which allowed him to practice his craft with incredible precision and detail.
*Deceased, slain by Fulgrim and his head offered to Horus as a gift. Fulgrim still has the body, which he repeatedly clones and murders again in a futile attempt to make him turn traitor. <br>Some claim he is still alive on Mars, though [[Void Dragon|it may be not actually be him]].
|align=center|[[Image:Ferrus.30k.jpg|150px|]]
|-
|align=center|'''XI'''
|! colspan="5" |+++Records expunged+++
|-
|align=center|'''XII'''
|align=center|[[Image:Angron.port.jpg|thumb|250px|]][[Angron]]
|align=center|[[Nuceria]]
|align=center|[[World Eaters]]
|align=center|Traitor
|align=center|
*Embodies the name "World Eater". He and his legion consumes entire worlds in a whirlwind of indiscriminate slaughter until nobody but them is left, pre and post-Great Crusade.
*No real ambition beyond endless slaughter, thanks to the butcher's nails augment jammed into Angron's brain. It also made him incredibly violent and quick to anger. At first it was to satiate the unending bloodlust generated by the butcher's nails, but now its to glorify [[Khorne]].
*One of the, if not ''the'' most powerful of the Primarchs in terms of sheer combat prowess. Rivaled only by Sanguinius in terms of single combat capability.
*A poor leader and general, however. He could murder armies sent against him, but he lacked the tactical acumen (or anything resembling sanity) to focus on the objectives truly needed to win a war. Angron is in the end a gladiator let loose in a galaxy-wide arena: murdering all of his opponents is the only acceptable (or even concievable) way to win.
*His [[Leeroy Jenkins]] behaviour is one of the largest reasons for fucking up the Horus Heresy. If Angron had kept his murderboner down for just a few more minutes and let Horus finish off the remaining loyalists on Istvaan with another Exterminatus strike; they would have been able to march to Terra faster and with much more manpower and have a better chance at winning. Whether this was Angron just being Angron or a secret ploy by Khorne to keep the blood flowing by thinking past the Horus Heresy is unclear (after all, if Horus won; Chaos eventually starves to death. If Horus lost; he has a aeons' worth of blood and conflict to revel over and maybe even an eternal stalemate ensuring he lasts forever, if at the cost of the Great Game continuing for eternity as well.).
*Daemon Prince of [[Khorne]]. Spend most of his time Getting Shit Done and being banished to the Warp for a hundred or so years after the Imperium responds to his Blood Crusades.
|align=center|[[Image:World-Eaters-Warhammer-40000-.jpeg|thumb|150px|]][[Image:Angron .jpg|thumb|150px|]][[Image:Angrondemon.jpg|150px|]]
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|align=center|'''XIII'''
|align=center|[[Image: Robute Guilliman.jpg|thumb|250px|]] [[Roboute Guilliman]]
|align=center|[[Ultramar|Macragge]]
|align=center|[[Ultramarines]]
|align=center|Loyal, barring [[Imperium Secundus| that one episode he doesn't like to talk about]]
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*A proud but fair visionary who always looked towards building a better future for humanity. Guilliman never did anything without thinking what would happen at the end of the day and he always tried to plan a better outcome for whatever he did, whether its building an empire or subjugating an enemy civilization.
*Was more for the people than the Emperor, hence why he thought preserving his Imperium was more important than the survival of the Emperor himself.
*A general first and warrior second, which was the key to his success throughout the Great Crusade. He wasn't the best at crossing swords or gunfights, atleast in comparison to his brothers; but he was exceptional at commanding his forces and resources, ensuring all wars he fought in were running at optimum efficiency.
*The greatest statesman among the Primarchs. Guilliman was best remembered for his ability to set up an efficient form of government on every planet his legion conquered, turning them into model, self-sufficient worlds in order to prepare them for the future after the Great Crusade. This is best exemplified by Ultramar, which still remains one of the most powerful and idyllic planetary systems in the Imperium, even after 10,000 years.
*He's also a logistical genius, and invented the organizational model that 8 of the 9 First Founding Chapters still use (more or less).
*Previously kept in a stasis chamber after his throat was sliced by Fulgrim with a poisoned sword.
*Recently revived with the help of Belisarius Cawl and the Ynnari and their new soul manipulation powers. Is now active once more, and not very happy with how badly the Imperium has gone to shit since he was not-quite-dead. Currently back in his old role of Lord Commander of the Imperium, trying his hardest to keep the Emperor's work from going completely down the drain while while waging an unending war against the forces of Chaos and the Imperium's equally monstrous bureaucracy.
|align=center|[[Image: 30k.Guilliman.png|thumb|150px|]][[Image: Primarchs-Guilliman-40000.jpeg|thumb|150px|]][[Image:Roboute-Guilliman-Primarchs-Warhammer-40000.jpeg|thumb|150px|]]
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|align=center|'''XIV'''
|align=center|[[Image: Mortarion Portrait.jpg|thumb|250px|]] [[Mortarion]]
|align=center|[[Barbarus]]
|align=center|[[Death Guard]]
|align=center|Traitor
|align=center|
*A bitter yet petty man, kind of like the edgy goth kid of the group. Mortarion didn't want to associate anyone who hasn't gone through the same brand of abuse he has during his childhood and also hated those who had relatively comfy ones in comparison (like Guilliman or Dorn). He would only find some friendship with Konrad Curze (due to his "raised alone and became psycho-Batman" origin) and Horus (because just about everyone likes Horus).
*Has an immense abhorrence for psykers and the warp, due to his experiences in Barbarus. As a daemon prince, he is the very thing he hated in the first place. He takes the resulting bitterness out on everyone else in the form of horrible diseases.
*Stubborn to the core. Mortarion's favored tactic that he passed onto the Death Guard is a combination of attrition and unrelenting assaults; they take the pain while dishing it out in greater amounts, non-stop. He also valued individualism throughout his legion, largely leaving it up to his troops to figure out the best strategy in a conflict, rather than micro-managing them.
*Was already disenchanted by the Imperium by the start of the Horus Heresy (Seeing the Emperor and his works as total hypocrisies), so he threw his lot in with Horus. However, due to a ruse by Typhus; he and his legion ended up being infected by a virulent Nurglite plague while in the warp, which caused them to be in a constant state of agony but remain alive due to their Astartes-grade toughness. Unable to bear the pain and see his sons suffer; he pledged his loyalty to Nurgle and the god "cured" them of the plague (cure is probably incorrect, it was more of mutate their bodies to be compatible with the plague). From here, he became a daemon prince.
*Went back to the warp after the Horus Heresy, where Nurgle gave him dominion over the Plague Planet, which he shaped into the image of Barbarus.
*Was banished by [[Kaldor Draigo|Grey Knights]] during the Battle of Kornovin, which was the origin of [[Kaldor Draigo|Draigo]] carving a name onto his plague-ridden heart (how Draigo did so is a mystery, so we'll just chalk it up to him being too high on drugs to be infected by Mortarion's plagues).
*Helped Abby by creating the zombie plague, along with other contagions, after he got the Hand of Darkness artifact.
*He eventually got better and waged a full-scale invasion of Ultramar when he heard that Guilliman's finally awake. Had to retreat after he had to deal with the other Chaos Gods' typical shenanigans (mainly encroaching on his strongholds in the [[Scourge Stars]] while he was off campaigning).
|align=center|[[Image:Warhammer-40000-фэндомы-Horus-Heresy-Mortarion-2073409.jpeg|thumb|150px|]][[Image:Mortarion-40k.jpeg|thumb|150px|]]
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|align=center|'''XV'''
|align=center|[[Image:Magnus-The-Red-Primarchs-Warhammer-40000-фэндомы-4995855 (1).jpeg|thumb|250px|]] [[Magnus the Red]]
|align=center|[[Prospero]]
|align=center|[[Thousand Sons]]
|align=center|Traitor, though he never planned this
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*An optimistic scholar who thirsted for knowledge and always believed that information should be preserved for the greater good of mankind, regardless of its origins or the danger it might pose.
*As a psyker from birth, he was sympathetic to the discrimination faced by his fellow psykers and labored for his kind to be accepted. He did so by training psykers to control and enhance their powers, in the hopes of showing to people the benefits of his kind's gifts. This had mixed results with his brother primarchs, especially in the face of the Emperor's "psykers are bad" standing orders.
*Defying the Nikea council's rulings, Magnus continued to experiment with warp powers and during a Tzeentch-induced prophesy that involved Horus' betrayal; he attempted to warn his father with a psychic message. During the sending process; he accidentally destroyed the Emperor's webway project, causing him to be arrested by Russ and the Wolves to answer for his disobedience.
*As Horus was already corrupted by this point, he altered the orders to instead destroy the Thousand Sons' homeworld. Realizing he's been played like a damn fiddle by Tzeentch, Magnus' resolve was broken and initially accepted his destiny of being destroyed by the wolves in an attempt to spite Tzeentch, but eventually decided to attempt to rebel against his fate but ultimately failing after Leman Russ beat him up badly. He then made a desperate deal with Tzeentch to save his legion in return for his servitude. He and the Thousand Sons were teleported to the Planet of Sorcerers, where more hijinks ensued with his [[Ahzek Ahriman|first captain]]'s certain ritual.
*Now a daemon prince, one of his first major campaigns was to invade the Space Wolves' homeworld. Was banished, but the Wolves were all but ruined; most of their upper command structure and progress with stabilizing their flawed gene seed was gone. Feeling they weren't down for the count yet; he went in again and bloodied the entire star system of Fenris itself, irreparably damaging the Wolves' home system.
*Appeared during the Gathering Storm, where he trapped and captured Guilliman and his retinue in the warp. After he escaped, Magnus chased and confronted Guilliman all the way to Luna, but was banished by the Custodes and Sisters of Silence. Now currently biding his time for another offensive.
|align=center|[[Image:Past Magnus.jpeg|thumb|150px|]][[Image: 30k.magnus-the-red.jpeg|thumb|150px|]][[Image: 40k.magnus-the-red.jpeg|thumb|150px|]]
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|align=center|'''XVI'''
|align=center|[[Image: Portrait.Warmaster_Horus_Remembrancer_Sketch.jpg|thumb|250px|]] [[Horus|Horus Lupercal]]
|align=center|[[Cthonia]]
|align=center|[[Black Legion|Luna Wolves/ Sons of Horus/ Black Legion]]
|align=center|[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1rT6Vi5Ln4 DOUBLE TRAITOR link dead :(]
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*A charismatic strategist who overwhelmed his enemies through sheer numbers and precision tactics, with an emphasis on wiping out the leadership structures of enemy forces.
*Big E's most favored son, always being held in the highest regard, second only to the Custodes. This was a combination of him being the first Primarch found and his long rap sheet of victories throughout the Crusade.
*Due to his position and experience, he was the most well-liked of the Primarchs during the Great Crusade. Just about everyone looked at Horus as the greatest among them.
*For all his charisma and leadership, Horus was still wracked with self-doubt once appointed Warmaster, constantly afraid that he was unable to live up to the title. Being overall commander of the Emperor's forces AND being his personal favorite was a lot to live up to. This was one of the reasons why he succumbed to the temptations of Chaos.
*Was one of the few Primarchs who was suspicious of the Emperor's plans for the Astartes post-Crusade, fearing they'd be disposed of like the Thunder Warriors and was mistrustful of the Emperor's intentions in the long run in general, to say nothing of his resentment about how the worlds he and his brothers had conquered would be governed by ordinary humans. The Ruinous Powers would also use this to their advantage.
*Rebelled against the Emperor after being fed a vision of the future by the Chaos Gods, in which the Emperor was being worshiped as a god and many of his fellow Primarchs (including himself) were reviled or outright forgotten. Little did he know that this was to become a self-fulfilling prophesy.
*His essence has been erased from existence. When the Emperor mustered up the resolve to finally end Horus, he shot him with a psychic blast powerful enough to obliterate his very soul, ensuring that the Chaos Gods couldn't just bring him back from the dead. His body was recovered and brought to the Eye of Terror, but was later destroyed after an incident involving [[Fabius Bile]] and a clone of Horus.
|align=center|[[Image:Horus-the warmaster.jpg|thumb|150px|]][[Image:Horus-Primarchs-.jpeg|thumb|150px|]][[Image:Emperor vs Horus.jpg|thumb|150px|]]
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|align=center|'''XVII'''
|align=center|[[Image: Portrait.Lorgar_Aurelian_sketch.png|thumb|250px|]] [[Lorgar|Lorgar Aurelian]]
|align=center|[[Colchis]]
|align=center|[[Word Bearers]]
|align=center|Traitor Prime
|align=center|
*A charismatic diplomat with a golden tongue, who relied heavily on his unparalleled speaking abilities to bring worlds into compliance during the Great Crusade. Lorgar would always prefer to talk out a peaceful solution, rather than resorting to violence. That said, Lorgar did know how to slap a bitch when needed.
*A deeply spiritual man, due to growing up in a theocratic society during his time on Colchis. Due to this, Lorgar saw The Emperor as a literal god and decided to spread the good word of the God-Emperor throughout the Crusade. During this time, he penned the "Lectitio Divinitatus", a book detailing how awesome the God-Emperor was, and always built grand cathedrals in all the planets he conquered. As you can imagine, this didn't sit well with the Man-Emperor's secular Empire ,so he decided to bloody one of Lorgar's grandest cities to send a message with Guilliman. Little did the Emperor know what this act of dickery would lead eventually to.
*With Lorgar being completely disheartened and defeated; Kor Phaeron and [[Erebus]] lured him to the worship of the Dark Gods, who were more than happy to accept his rabid fanboyism. He would eventually corrupt Horus and ignite the [[Horus Heresy|single biggest clusterfuck in Imperial History]], ruining everything that the Emperor has striven to build since the [[Age of Strife]].
*Rules as a daemon prince of Chaos Undivided and currently located in Sicarius, the Word Bearers' home planet.
*Previously a shut-in NEET that left command to his legion to his Dark Apostles: Lorgar has finally gotten out of his tower and is personally leading the Word Bearers now. He has recently been seen evangelizing about Chaos in the material realm, with a large legion of Word Bearers behind him.

|align=center|[[Image: 30k.Lorgar.jpeg|thumb|150px|]][[Image:Lorgar_portrait.jpg|thumb|150px|]]
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|align=center|'''XVIII'''
|align=center|[[Image: Portrait.Vulkan_sketch.jpg|thumb|250px|]] [[Vulkan]]
|align=center|[[Nocturne]]
|align=center|[[Salamanders]]
|align=center|Loyal
|align=center|
*A true man of the people, concerned with the preservation and welfare of humans. Vulkan saw all humans in the Imperium as equals and would protect any servant of the Emperor with great ferocity regardless of their class or status.
*Growing up in a blacksmith society allowed him and his legion to craft some of the finest wargear the Imperium has ever seen. Its also the reason for their fire fetish in combat.
*Inherited the Emperor's perpetual powers, granting him the ability to reincarnate after dying.
*He and his legion took some of the worst losses during Istvaan, and he himself was eventually captured by Konrad Curze.
*Curze wanted to get his torture fetish on, so he tortured Vulkan to death. Several times. Vulkan's status as a perpetual ensured he always came back, but less and less sane as Curze's treatment got worse and worse.
*He eventually managed to escape, but accidentally teleported over Macragge's atmosphere, crashing down on the planet like a green comet of insanity. By this point, anything remotely resembling sanity had left Vulkan's mind. He was eventually "killed" by another perpetual, in a well-meaning attempt to reset Vulkan's brain. It worked (sort of. At least he wasn't a howling maniac anymore) and after taking a short death nap, he got better and disappeared for a while.
*Resurfaced during [[The War of The Beast]] and was recruited to lead the Imperial forces against The Beast's forces. Then disappeared after ramming The Beast into a plasma reactor and killing them both in a squall of gore. The Salamanders claim he continued to lead them for a few more centuries after that death, then left them with the Tome of Fire, claiming he had a special mission that they could not accompany him for.
|align=center|[[Image:Past Vulkan.jpeg|thumb|150px|]][[Image:Vulkan Lives.jpg|thumb|150px|]][[Image:Vulkan-Primarchs-Warhammer-40000-фэндомы-4123369.jpeg|150px|]]
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|align=center|'''XIX'''
|align=center|[[Image: Corax Portrait.png|thumb|250px|]] [[Corvus Corax]]
|align=center|[[Deliverance]]
|align=center|[[Raven Guard]]
|align=center|Loyal
|align=center|
*Sought to overthrow oppression, bringing justice to tyrants.
*Possessed some kind of perception-manipulating psychic power, giving him the ability to be "invisible" to organics (He's still there clear as day, but your mind just can't process that he's right there).
*Preferred covert warfare, sabotaging, fast strikes and assassinating the enemy from the sides, and only striking in the open when the time is right. Basically one of the few primarchs who uses tactics of actual special forces units.
*He and his legion were bloodied during Istvaan and forced out of the conflict. Corvus wanted desperately to help the Imperium's deteriorating situation, so he asked the Emperor for assistance. Emps obliged and gave him the template to create the Primarchs themselves, giving him the ability to train marines at an even faster rate. This was wrecked after the Alpha Legion tampered with the creation process, resulting with the majority of the aspirants coming out as horrible mutants and aberrations.
*While it weighed heavily on his conscience, Corax had to be pragmatic. He made do and used his newly obtained mutant horde as shock troops and it worked; they were able to disrupt the traitors long enough to buy Terra some time to put up a defense.
*After the Heresy ended, he was reluctantly forced to euthanize his creations, wracking Corvus with a huge amount of guilt.
*Went missing after heading for the Eye of Terror to atone for his sins, saying only "Nevermore" before leaving. His status is currently unknown, but the Raven Guard believe he's still alive and will return once again. In reality, he is indeed alive and hunting his fallen brothers, although the Warp has changed him into a living, shapeshifting shadow.
|align=center|[[Image:Warhammer-Corvus-Corax-Primarchs.jpeg|thumb|150px|]][[Image:Hh-walpaper-raven-Copy.jpg|thumb|150px|]][[Image:Corvus Corax.jpg|thumb|150px|]]
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|align=center|'''XX'''
|align=center|[[Image: Alpharius2.jpg|thumb|250px|]] [[Alpharius]] [[Omegon]]
|align=center|They're not telling
|align=center|[[Alpha Legion]]
|align=center|[[Alpha Legion|Alpharius: sort-of loyal. Omegon: even Tzeentch can't keep track.]]
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*Shrouded in mystery. It's not even known what their homeworld is, let alone what their upbringing was like. Forge World gave no fewer than four mutually irreconcilable origin stories, all of which were dismissed as lies. That said, the only discernible fact we can give about them is that the two primarchs did not always agree with each other, exemplified with Omegon actively sabotaging Alpharius' operations during the Horus Heresy.
*As primarchs of the Alpha legion; the two frequently exchanged roles whenever needed with nobody ever noticing, but officially; Alpharius is the primarch of the legion while Omegon is commander of their elite covert forces.
*Masters of psychological warfare and manipulation. They didn't need regiments of soldiers or weapons to do his heavy lifting; all he needs is a handful of spies to plant paranoia, deceit, misinformation, and dissent in his targeted worlds. By the time his agents are done: the enemy would either be tearing each other apart and/or distrustful of each other; making them isolated, easy pickings for the main Alpha Legion forces once they're called to reign the planet in.
*Alpharius bought the Cabal's story about letting Horus kill all of humanity to kill off the Chaos Gods in the long run, and was eventually beheaded by Rogal Dorn during a battle on Pluto. Maybe. Quite frankly, with these two one can never be entirely sure '''what''' the truth really is.
*Omegon took on his mantle officially ("the jest made real") and this new "Alpharius" may or may not have been killed by Guilliman (the Ultramarines suspect they may have only killed a body double). His loyalties are unknown, but he was against the Cabal's proposal, indicating he either thought sacrificing his entire species was too big of a price (which would mean he's still loyal to humanity), or he wanted Chaos to survive by feeding off humanity (which would mean he was a traitor).
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|}

==Their Eventual Fates==
[[File:Heresy_Time.jpg|300px|thumb|right|An accurate retelling of the final stages of the rebellion.]]
===Traitors===
*General downside to those who became Daemon Princes is that the further they go from the Eye of Terror, the more their power wanes. Also most of them spend most of their time in the Great Game (eternal war in the Warp), growing increasingly distant from the real world affairs.
* '''Horus''' was killed by the Emperor during the Siege of Terra, who utterly destroyed his soul. His legion enshrined his corpse until the Emperor's Children stole it. [[Fabius Bile]] managed to successfully clone him, but [[Abaddon]] killed the clone to cement his position as his successor as Warmaster of Chaos. While "Horus" is supposedly ''very'' dead, which was his fault for being a fuckwit, shards of his soul which were broken off in the Warp remain. Including one in the realm of Khorne...
* '''Angron''' is a Daemon Prince of Khorne. Still gets shit done, but did get his arse handed to him by the Grey Knights on Armageddon.
* '''Mortarion''' is a fucktwit who rarely does anything of interest (still sulking over his eternal existence as the thing he hates the most), but is a Daemon Prince of Nurgle. Apparently now holds the largest domain in the Eye of Terror, rather than just one planet he had in the old fluff. Got some open heart surgery, courtesy of Draigo/Ward. Created zombie plague from one of the artifacts Abbaddon used in his XII crusade. He invaded Ultramar after hearing news that Guilliman's finally awake, though he ultimately had to go back to the [[Scourge Stars]] due to his poor fortunes in the war as well as being summoned back by his patron God.
* '''Fulgrim's''' soul was trapped in a painting while his body was possessed by a daemon for a brief time before swapping places with the daemon and taking its powers (or so he claims). The first Primarch to become a Daemon Prince, although he aimed at achieving (demi)godhood instead (by sacrificing Perturabo). Abandoned what remained of his legion to rule his pleasure daemon world, and [[Troll|didn't tell them how to get there]] (yet Abaddon somehow manages to contact him anyways).
* '''Lorgar''' is a lazy fucknut who does nothing since they fled to the Eye of Terror, and handed the rule over his legion to the council of Dark Apostles, but still a Daemon Prince of Chaos Undivided. Taught Abaddon how to summon daemons. Lost a duel with a powered-up Corax during sometime after the Heresy.
* '''Magnus the Red''' got broken into several pieces during his fight with Leman Russ, with several of them actually believing they were the real Magnus and going their own way. Some pieces were eventually put back together to form "the Crimson King", the Daemon Primarch form of Magnus who joined Horus in his rebellion. This sometimes also gets shit done, leading armies to the [[Space Wolves]]' planet and screwing with the Imperium, keeping his big red trollface on all the time until he gets his ass tossed back into the [[Warp]]. Other fragments seem to be floating around throughout history, appearing to have their own agenda, pretending to be daemons or helping the Imperium from time to time. By the time of the Gathering Storm and the 42nd Millennium the disparate fragments have mostly recombined to the Crimson King ''(leaving out a few key elements, namely the ones who embodied his best qualities; for example, the part of Magnus that embodied his love for his Legion chose to fade into nonexistence instead of being reabsorbed into the Crimson King)'' making him as whole as he can be.
* '''Perturabo''' becomes irrelevant after he goes on to drop largely out of post-Heresy fluff, but is still a Daemon Prince of Chaos Undivided. Rules the most stable planet in the Eye of Terror, where he does nothing but watching his sons sieging each other. Helps Failbaddon in a couple of Black Crusades by giving him some Daemon Engines. It doesn't really help, but it's more than Lorgar's done for Chaos Undivided. He is also leading his Legion after the 13th Black Crusade in their new offensive against the Imperium.
* '''Konrad Curze''' allowed a Callidus assassin to infiltrate his lair and kill him, either because he himself became the thing he hated the most, or to justify to himself that every atrocity he has done in the name of justice was a necessary act. Except...there was that crown he always wore, the one with a stone in it that looked oddly similar to a soulstone...
* The Alpha Legion's story is a bit complex:
**'''Alpharius''' was slain by Rogal Dorn in combat during the Battle of Pluto. He is very much dead as he did not bargain with the Dark Gods and had his head split open by a fellow Primarch's chainsword. Conspiracy theorists will speculate that it wasn't really Alpharius, though the death is strongly corroborated by Omegon's response. So unless Alpharius used a body double to trick Rogal Dorn AND ''his own twin'' into thinking he was dead and allowed Omegon to take his place and identity permanently; there isn't any hard evidence to suggest that the dead "Alpharius" was anything other than the actual Primarch, but knowing the Alpha Legion that doesn't mean too much without definitive proof.
**'''Omegon''' reluctantly took Alpharius' identity after he sensed he was dead, and his legion a bee-line for Ultramar after the Horus Heresy, where he met his end after dueling [[Roboute Guilliman|Big Bobby G]]. However, because the rest of the Alpha Legionaries did not break even after the death of their primarch ''(in fact they managed to beat the Ultramarines in the conflict altogether);'' nobody could truly confirm if they did indeed kill the real deal, or if it was a body double.
**While it's been established that a decent amount of Alpha Legionnaires were surgically altered to resemble their Primarch and even ''believe'' they were Primarchs themselves; that and the figurehead role of "Alpharius" has been largely interchangable between both the twins and their sons, which makes sense for a legion whose MO is flexible leadership. While we can be reasonably certain that at least one of the twins is dead, whatever "Omegon-Alpharius" or at least whichever person who thinks he's Alpharius have been up to following the Heresy is a matter of fierce debate and speculation.
**One warband of the Alpha Legion believes that Omegon is still alive in the 42nd millennium and somehow certain elements of the Necron knows where he is. And there is that one big guy in scaled armor trapped in Trayzn's toybox...

===Loyalists===
*It is believed by Mortarion that they are now returning to realspace.
*'''Ferrus Manus''' was killed by Fulgrim during the Drop Site Massacre. His body was not recovered, so some Iron Hands think he might still be alive, and for a time it seemed like he did survive. However, Vulkan later exposed the "Ferrus Manus" leading the remaining Iron Hands as a marionette-like machine with one of the Primarch's hands attached to it, destroying the fake soon afterwards. The fact that Ferrus was decapitated by Fulgrim after being defeated and had his head delivered to Horus makes this claim fairly dubious. Just don't say that to the Iron Hands, though. Unless you want free open-heart surgery from a ceramite and steel power fist. Fulgrim did try to clone him (several times) in the hope one of them would join the traitors, but every clone so far has refused and been subsequently killed by him. An apparition of an iron handed giant - the 10th son - was seen leading the charge in an army of human souls against an army of daemons when the Emperor entered the Webway).
*'''Sanguinius''' was killed by Horus. His body was recovered, and he's the only Primarch who doesn't have any legends about returning, though there are some theories on the identity of the [[Sanguinor]] which were later proven <s>incorrect</s> half correct (he is able to manifest Sanguinius to Dante during the events of the Dark Imperium). Sanguinius foresaw his death and accepted it as a necessary sacrifice for the future of the Imperium, in no small part because his visions also warned him that he would only survive the Horus Heresy by becoming corrupted himself. The trauma of his death by the Talon of Horus left a psychic manifestation of him still on the Vengeful Spirit. As of late it turns out his soul has been wandering the warp ever since, only deciding to make himself known to revive Commander [[Dante]] when he ended up as [[Swarmlord]]-shishkabob after stomping that bug.
*'''Lion El'Jonson''' returned to Caliban only to discover <s>that his friend Luther had stabbed him in the back.</s> THAT LUTHER HAD A PLANET-WIDE PARTY AND EVENTUALLY PASSED OUT INTO A COMA AFTER DRINKING 200 TANKARDS OF SPACE WOLF-GRADE ALCOHOL. He sleeps deep within the Rock, originally on life support and now fully-healed (but none of the Dark Angels seem to know this). Perhaps this is a sign of a coming advancement of the storyline, DUN DUN DUN!
*'''Jaghatai Khan''' disappeared into the Webway after chasing a group of Dark Eldar. The White Scars think he will return someday, and when you consider the fact that time is just as weird there as it is in the rest of the Warp, there is a small possibility he's still around.
*'''Leman Russ''' disappeared into the Eye of Terror but promised the Space Wolves that he would return for the Final Battle. Magnus appears to know where he is now, but he sure as hell isn't telling the Space Wolves. Reports during the Thirteenth Black Crusade claim that a figure matching Russ's description was seen leading the 13th Great Company have surfaced, but were never verified. Numerous crusades by the Space Wolves to find Russ have resulted in failure, although they did find <s> his armor in a shrine of Khorne in the Eye</s> an armor believed to be his in the Temple of Horus on Rudra - so either he succumbed to Chaos, was killed by a Khorne champion, devolved into wulfen, or is [[Conan the Barbarian|currently pillaging The Warp as a muscle-bound, half-naked barbarian hero]].
*'''Rogal Dorn''' disappeared during a [[Black Crusade]] in a desperate ship boarding action. Only his severed hand was recovered and its skeleton enshrined. Debate rages about whether the Zerg rush of World Eaters killed him, or whether he's still out there, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FIJTvEo4N4Q murdering his way through traitors with an Astartes-pattern shotgun and a chainsword grafted where his hand used to be]. Original 40K novels stated his entire skeleton was on display on Terra, but it's been retconned to only his hands. Still, a Primarch without a skeleton would be bad-ass, if not a little amusing.
*'''Roboute Guilliman''' was formerly preserved in a stasis field, seconds from death after he was poisoned by Fulgrim. Fast-forward a few thousand years and some Eldar flubdubbery, however, and Big Bobby G is back in action, and he's mad at the current state of the Imperium. After a private meeting with the Emperor, he assumed direct command of the Imperium itself as Lord Commander of the Imperium. When he isn't curb-stomping traitors to death or otherwise trying to keep the Imperium afloat, Guilliman is busy re-vamping the Imperium with numerous reforms in an attempt to realize his father's dream for humanity. Needless to say; a lot of people are unhappy about this, but they can't exactly tell off one of the Emperor's actual sons and expect not to be on the business end of a Custodes guardian spear. He's also taken the time to rewrite the Codex Astartes as well.
*'''Vulkan''' got the shit kicked out of him during the Drop Site Massacre, whereupon his fluff gets a bit hazy:
**The old ''Codex: Space Marines'' states that his body was never found, only a book containing only the names of nine powerful relics and a bunch of annoying riddles as to where they might be found, penned by Vulkan himself. In the 41st millennium, the Salamanders believe that he is still alive and that collecting the nine relics - they've found five so far - will reveal his location.
** In the Black Library novels, starting with ''Vulkan Lives'' the big V had to be dragged into a Thunderhawk in bloody tatters. Kurze captured him and tortured him to death... repeatedly; as a [[Perpetual]], Vulkan would not stay dead. After an indeterminate amount of time and deaths, Vulkan managed to escape by teleporting himself into orbit around Macragge and reentering its atmosphere. When he recovered and learned that Kurze was planetside, he [[Rage|flipped out]] and went after him. A well-meaning Perpetual stabbed him with a fulgurite (a spearhead-shaped piece of stone that contains a bit of the Emperor's power), hoping to either cure his madness or kill him for good. Now apparently dead, Vulkan was put in a stasis capsule inscribed with the words "Unbound Flame," with an honor guard of Salamanders until his remains could be returned to Nocturne. As of the end of ''Deathfire'', he somehow managed to return to life again, although there's no indication as to whether or not he's still a Perpetual. As of the War of the Beast, he's still alive in M.32, after the wounding of Guilliman. He's apparently been wandering the Imperium for a millennium fulfilling his own oaths, but returns to Terra to take command and reclaim Ullanor from the united Ork race. Even with one of the greatest forces assembled since the Horus Heresy, with the remnants of the VII Legion Chapters, the fight devolved to Vulkan facing off with The Beast one-on-one, and sacrificing himself in The Beasts temple-gargant's core detonating it with both himself and The Beast inside it. Whether both of them died is highly unlikely. He hints that Dorn is also alive, meaning he is either privy to some secret information, doesn't know of his brother's death, or is going insane.
**The 8th Edition Codex reconcile these stories somewhat, by claiming that sources within the Salamanders themselves believe Vulkan led them for three millennia ''(which accounts for his appearance during the War of the Beast)'', sometimes falling in battle but apparently always returning ''(also accounting for his perpetual status)''. He eventually disappeared on some final undocumented mission, not without leaving his Tome of Fire and bequeathing his personal artefacts to the chapter but not actually saying where they were, giving rise to the legend that if they are all found he will then return.
*'''Corvus Corax''' disappeared into the Eye of Terror as an atonement for putting down the mutant hordes he created in trying to create Space Marines out of desperation. Quoth the Raven: "Nevermore." Beyond the Imperium's eyes, his wraith-slip powers began to mutate and he became a shadowy shapeshifter hellbent on killing all his traitor brothers. Corax was last seen beating Lorgar's ass so hard that the useless fuckwit had to run with his tail between his legs. Yeah, he beat a Daemon Primarch (who had Chaos Marine and likely daemon backup) into up and running, while Corax himself was on his own. Basically the battle between Guilliman and Magnus on Luna, in reverse. Eat it, Papa Smurf.

==Two Missing Primarchs | The Forgotten & The Purged==
Who are the two missing Primarchs, you ask? [[Sigmar|Sigmar Heldenhammer]] and [[Archaon The Everchosen: Lord of the End of Times; Chaos Incarnate; Herald of the Apocalypse|Archaon]] (depending on how WHFB fits in with 40K, if it does). Or maybe (per /tg/ canon) [[Rachnus Rageous]] and [[Tialoc Ekans]]. [[Samus]] and [[Berserk|Guts]] are also contenders, and many Bolter and Chainsword regulars consider Icarion and his [[Lightning Bearers]] to be their headcanon II Legion.

The Legions in question are the Legio II (Second Legion) and the Legio XI (Eleventh Legion).

What, you wanted a serious answer?

Okay, fine. Nobody really knows. It is very intentional that no lore exists about these two legions, making them completely unknown. References to their existence are common in canon, but no details are ever explicitly mentioned. This is a feature of the lore, an intentionally kept mystery. What has been established is that they got killed for some reason and the existence of their Legions was wiped from record by the Emperor. [[Malcador the Sigillite]] claims that the Primarchs had been manipulated from the start, and were to be maneuvered into their proper roles prior to the Horus Heresy and those which would not be manipulated would be removed. Although Malcador's own testimony is tainted by the fact that he later admits he had to lie, though many of his statements do mirror what we have seen from the Emperor's own statements.

[[Games Workshop]] have mentioned Primarchs besides the eighteen above on other occasions, but they backtracked since. Back in the [[Rogue Trader|first edition]] of [[Warhammer 40,000]], all twenty [[First Founding]] Chapters were known, as were their Primarchs (though, at the time, the Primarch was just the first Chapter Master). Of these, the [[Valedictors]] and [[Rainbow Warriors]] were declared in a later [[White Dwarf]] to have been founded after the [[Second Founding]].

Later, in the short story '''Hell in a Bottle''' from the novel Into the Maelstrom, a chapter known as the Iron Hearts get fucked over by a [[Chaos Lord]]. The short story also mentions that the Chapter has a Primarch known as Rubinek. Of course, this was just a huge cock-up on the author's part, who himself admitted that he meant Chapter Master.

=== The [REDACTED] Event ===

*'''The First Heretic''' shows that by the Razing of Monarchia (43 years before the Isstvan V Drop Site Massacre of 006.M31), the II and XI Legions had already been stricken from the records. It also states that the remaining Primarchs had to swear an oath never to speak of their missing brothers and that the missing Primarchs' corresponding legions were personally purged by the Emperor, so it had to have been something extraordinarily bad. However, Lorgar still remembers something about them, saying "I still remember how they-", before Magnus cut him off. Lastly, it is revealed that the Emperor had considered purging Lorgar and the Word Bearers (making them the third legion to be purged) for starting a religion around him, but Russ had talked him out of it. #BlameLemanRuss
*In '''The Lightning Tower''' Rogal Dorn says that the lost Primarchs' disappearances were "separate tragedies", so it seems like they disappeared in two different incidents.
*In '''Descent of Angels''', which takes place as of the time Lion El'Jonson had been rediscoverd, Chief Librarian Israfael tells the then initiate, Zahariel El'Zurias, that the Lion has 19 brothers; indicating that as of that time they had not committed whatever atrocity lead to their demise.
*In '''Dark Imperium''', Roboute Guilliman declares "I was one of twenty. Two failed. Half the rest turned on my Father." This suggests that the downfall of the two lost primarchs was not a result of them betraying the Emperor. Instead their demise was a result of them "failing" their purpose as primarchs and being terminated as a result. Interestingly this line also seems to imply that it is no longer forbidden to speak of the two missing primarchs in the 42nd milenium, as Guilliman casually references them to make a point about primarchs being fallible.
*'''The Chamber at the End of Memory''' has Rogal Dorn note that he was one of the few Primarchs who ever met with the II and XI Primarchs. It also reveals that not only was the entire Imperium forbidden to speak of the missing Primarchs' existence, but every non-Primarch save for Malcador who had ever interacted with them was mind-wiped so they would remember nothing about them - including their own gene-sons, presumably other than the fact that they were purged from all record and be left unable to speak even about that. Even the other Primarchs had their memories altered so they couldn't recall much more about their lost brothers beyond the fact that they existed - Dorn is dumbstruck by this discovery, and even more so when Malcador tells him that it was his own idea (and Roboute Guilliman's) to have his fellow Primarchs' memories altered. Malcador also states that '''whatever it was that the II and XI Primarchs did, it was against the very ideals of the Great Crusade and would have ruined everything the the Great Crusade had accomplished to that point.''' Their old living quarters in the Imperial Palace are protected by extremely powerful psychic wards, and when Malcador briefly restores Rogal Dorn's memories of them he realizes the '''''hateful truth'''. That '''the entire Horus Heresy up to the Siege of Terra was not so awful or threatening to the Imperium as what had happened to the Missing Primarchs'''; in fact, '''if they were still alive, the Imperium would have long since fallen'''.
*'''Deliverance Lost''' suggests that whatever happened to the missing Primarchs occurred sometime before the Emperor found Corvus Corax, as Corax asked the Emperor why there were only sixteen other Primarchs waiting for him if he was the nineteenth (it's unsure whether this was referring to him being the Primarch of the nineteenth Legion, or him being the nineteenth found); the Emperor avoided the question, claiming that "it would be a discussion for another day". This is no longer the case, somehow, as he is [[Retcon|now the third-to-last primarch found]], right before the second missing primarch.
*In '''Prospero Burns''', Leman Russ mentions that the Space Wolves had fought other Space Marines before the attack on Prospero, which may have something to do with the purge. A senior Space Wolf describes Russ' "wyrd" as being "the Emperor's executioner". Several books since have backed this up, though [https://www.reddit.com/r/40kLore/comments/8q7qyg/the_space_wolves_what_were_they_really_for_little/e0hih9h/ ADB denies this].
*In '''Scars''' there's a reference to rumours and "whispers of past atrocities" that only a Primarch could kill another Primarch. Russ also turns up and talks a bit about fighting Magnus, and the resulting "shame". So if he's responsible for offing one or two of his brothers, they must've done something pretty fucking heinous.
*In '''The Dark King''', when asked if he will report the Night Lords for censure, Dorn remarks that he feared to add another empty statue to the Emperor's palace, implying that the missing legions were exterminated for committing severe atrocities.
*In '''The Last Council''' Malcador states that one of the missing Primarchs was '''fallen and disgraced'''. Alpharius mentions that one of the primarchs had died. While the lost Primarchs and their Legions were wiped before he was rediscovered, its Alpharius....you can't keep info like that from him.

=== Name of one of the missing Primarchs ===
*In '''The Last Council''', [[Horus]] (who had been outraged by the erasure of his brothers from Imperial records) struggles to mutter the name of one of the lost Primarchs while Malcador is using his psyker powers to seize his nerves so as to prevent him from saying it. '''Horus managed to say"M-Mal...al..." ([[Malal]])''', which pissed Malcador off to the point that it required Alpharius and the Khan to convince Malcador not to kill him outright. Some have claimed that Horus was begging Malcador to stop by saying Malcador's name. However, this makes no sense when in context of the story as Horus was still resisting Malcador's control, and saying the name "Malal" made Malcador remember something that stirred up a spiteful hate (Malice's primary emotional aspect). Given that Malice's sacred Number is 11, and the Roman numeral for "2" can be seen as two "1's," there may be some circumstantial connection to the Anti-Chaos God. Additionally, given how 11 was claimed to be "innocent and pure" in The First Heretic, it implies he could have been untouched by the warp, despite being contained within it. It is therefore, not outside of the question he might be a psychic [[blank]], which are traditionally associated with Malice as the God who wishes to destroy chaos and disrupt the plans of the Gods. Food for thought to further potential connections, though nothing concrete. Others contend that Horus was trying to say "Har har harder...."

=== II Primarch ===
*The 2nd Primarch was the third primarch rediscovered. After Leman Russ, but before Ferrus Manus.
*'''Fulgrim: The Palatine Phoenix''' mentions that the 2nd Legion's "normally contemplative", "quiet" and "humorless" Primarch had accused Fulgrim of arrogance for boasting he would bring a world under compliance with only eight total Astartes (& that Fulgrim considered the remark high hypocrisy, even bringing to mind the old adage of pots and kettles), which means that at least one missing Primarch was found early enough to have some kind of interaction with his brothers and make a contribution to the Great Crusade (being 3rd in line after Horus and Russ, actually).
*In '''Fabius Bile: Clonelord''', Flavius Alkenex mentions that Fulgrim once described one of the two (likely the 2nd since the 11th was almost last to be recovered) having made a pilgrimage to the Attila System of Ultima Segmentum to make an archaeological expedition inside the [[Necrons|Ymga Monolith]] for [[C'tan|unknown]] [[Heretek|reasons]] during the earliest days of the Great Crusade.

=== XI Primarch ===
*The 11th Primarch was nineteenth primarch rediscovered. After Corax, but before Alpharius Omegon.
*In '''The First Heretic''', when Argel Tal and the other Word Bearers are in the Emperor's gene-labs, they find the 11th's gestation pod. It is mentioned that the 11th was still "innocent and pure" prior to the Primarchs being scattered.

=== The Lost Legions ===
*The Regimental Standard article '''Field Dressing a Lasgun Wound''' makes reference to the II and XI legions taking part in the Rangdan Xenocides, but cuts off before their names are given (though given the amount of whitespace between the word "the" and the end of the page, this would suggest at least one of them had a particularly long word in their name). Given it references the rank of "Warmaster", it means this was during the tail end of the war.
*'''The First Heretic''' specifies that the missing Legions were purged at least 43 years before the Drop Site Massacre, so we can conclude that neither one took part in the Horus Heresy. At the same time, members of the Word Bearers Seventh Company travelling through time with Ingethel the Ascended reveal rumors that the surviving members of the lost Legions were folded into the Ultramarines (their Chaplain thinks the rumor is a load of grox-shit, but their Captain does note that the Ultramarines are on record as receiving an increase in troops however it should be noted that Ingethel is a Daemon Princess and could easily have been bullshitting herself).
*In '''The Chamber at the End of Memory''', Malcador stated that when both the Primarchs were purged, it left their legions leaderless. Indicating that the the II and XI legions were around when both Primarchs did the thing. And that Dorn and Guilliman had spoken up to convince him that just purging the two lost legions completely would be a waste of good soldiers. Instead, Dorn and Guilliman created the plan to wipe the Legions' memories and integrate them into their own legions, possibly confirming the fanon explanation of the [[Rainbow Warriors]] and [[Valedictors]] existence.
*In '''Fear To Tread''', Sanguinius admits to Horus that he had not told the Emperor about the Red Thirst because he feared that the Emperor would purge the Blood Angels in the same way as the missing Legions, indicating that some form of gene-seed flaw caused at least one of the Legions to be purged.
*'''Visions of Heresy - Book One''' has a pictographic list of all the original legions. Interestingly, the II Legion pict-capture is labeled "-ERROR #CDIV- file not found", while the XI Legion pict-capture is labeled "-CENSORED- by Imperial decree". This seems to indicate that the XI Legion was merely censored, while the records of the II Legion were wiped entirely.

=== Known Timeline ===
*'''792.M30''', the Primarchs were created . The 11th is still "innocent and pure". The Primarchs are scattered.
*'''798.M30''', The Great Crusade began.
*The 2nd Primarch is found and reunited. He is the 3rd Primarch found, after Horus and Russ.
*Sometime during the early years of the Great Crusade, the 2nd Primarch leads and expedition to the Ymga Monolith in the Attila System of the Ultima Segmentum.
*After the discovery of Guilliman, the (then) 8 found Primarchs all met up. The 2nd accused Fulgrim of hubris. Fulgrim feels the 2nd was guilty of the same and called him out on hypocrisy.
*Magnus is found and all (then) 9 found Primarchs meet up.
*Around the time Lion El Johnson (11th to be found) was discovered, the the two lost Primarchs had not yet done whatever made them get un-personed.
*'''Between the 890s.M30 - 930s.M30''', both the 2nd and 11th Legions were deployed along with the Solar Auxillia to the Rangdan Xenocides. This is the last recorded action of either Legion. ''Something'' happened to them during this war. An Alpharius (who may or may not be THE Alpharius) met Lion and offered to manage the mess here in his stead. Clearly any non-Primarch person can just march in to meet Lion and ask to take away his job!
*'''approx. 898.M30''' Corax, the 18th Primarch discovered, is found "around a century" after the start of the Great Crusade.
*'''Between 898.M30 - 963.M30''', the 11th Primarch is discovered. At some point he is reunited with his legion.
*The information of the lost Primarchs and their Legions is wiped, leaving Alpharius as the only non-lost Primarch to not see all others at least once (if the Rangda's Alpharius is someone else entirely) .
*'''981.M30''' Alpharius Omegon is discovered and (or at least) given leadership of the XX Legion (the at least is because Horus found him/them first and took a while to tell others this).
*'''Between 981.M30 - 000.M31''' Horus confronts Malcador about the destruction of the lost Primarch's statutes in the Reliquary. Says that one of them is "Malal" or was trying to beg Malcador from force choking him.
*'''000.M31''', Magnus mentions its the first time since [REDACTED] '''9''' Primarchs have met up in one place. Its likely that Magnus wanted to say something like "Since the 2nd was with us.".

=== Other Info ===
Lion El'Jonson wouldn't lead the fight against the Rangdan xenos until 890s.M30, and not until the 6th year of his involvement did the title of "Warmaster" get thrown around. Adding this to the document in "Field Dressing a Lasgun Wound", means that the 11th Legion's participation in the Rangdan Xenocides didn't happen until at least 8 years after Lion El'Jonson took the helm. The Xenocide would end by 930s.M30, meaning the 11th only participated in the war for a possible 32 to 42 years. The Horus Heresy didn't begin until 005.M31, and the 2nd and 11th had been expunged and condemned 43 years before the Dropsite Massacre which occurred at 006.M31, disproving the dates 965.M30 & 969.M30 as being the period where they were exterminated by the Space Wolves. By the time the Rangdan Xenocides ended, there would have been a possible 23 to 33 year gap between 930s.M30, the end of the Xenocides, and 963.M30 for them to have committed whatever atrocity called for damnatio memoriae, assuming it didn't occur during the Xenocides.

Considering that the 2nd was around for at least a century with no issues before the 11th showed up and they both got expunged three decades after the end of the Rangdan Xenocide, it's a strong possibility that [[that guy|the 11th was the ring leader of the two & dragged the 2nd Primarch down with him]].

Out of universe, [[Rick Priestley]] admitted that the unknown legions were supposed to be a reference to the three Roman legions wiped out in the [[Wikipedia: Battle of the Teutoburg Forest| Battle of the Teutoburg Forest]], whose numbers were never reused after they were slain to a man by Germanic barbarians. The intention was to [[Your Dudes|let fans design their own Legions to fill in the gaps for themselves]], though the implications that this would have on the setting clearly weren't thought through. Nowadays, it doesn't even really let people do much with homebrew fluff since the setting has developed in such a way that it's almost impossible for someone to connect a homebrew chapter to the missing primarchs without getting laughed out of their [[Local Game Store]]. If you play in the privacy of your own home, however, there's nothing stopping you and your friends from nailing it down and having your Self-Insert Primarchs show up and give the Imperium a Noblebright/even GRIMDARKER (Delete as appropriate) kick in the ass.

It seems likely, given the frequent references to betrayal relating to these two Primarchs, that the Lost Primarchs did something rebellion-related or perhaps [[Imperium Secundus|tried to carve out their own empires]]. Perhaps they realized that there could be peaceful coexistance with the [[Xenos]] (as was the case of the [[Interex]]), and ended up thinking the Imperium was Evil. Either way, they did something massively damaging (or nearly pulled something off) that would have crippled the Imperium for its myriad enemies to finish off. A possible hint at the cause of their descent is mentioned in ''Extermination'' in the section regarding the Alpha Legion of all groups. Three incidents, all [REDACTED] in name, tell us that one Legion had a problematic source for its recruitment. Specifically, a [[Heresy|''potentially tainted'']] source. Although not said in sequential order, one Legion was deemed to have failed the qualification to be a Legion since it did not have enough marines to be combat effective. Lastly, a place "Labryk Polaris" and another redacted incident point at attempts to replicate or even supersede the Emperor's gene-craft. Combining all of these cases, its is clear that one Legion had severe issues with its gene seed and its primary recruitment world. This lead to that Legion failing the basic test that all Legions go through. From there, the Primarch in question must have done a few experiments in how to create more marines. Whatever was made, if anything was made, the Emperor clearly did [[*BLAM*|not like it.]]

The one concert name we have regarding the two legions is "Malal" (or, Horus couldn't get the full name out while being force choked? (or was trying to say "MAL-cador" while being strangled by said psyker, but that's not as fun)) which brings to mind a host of warhammer related meanings, the important one being '''a rogue Chaos God who wants to destroy the Four'' [[Malal]]', made even more likely by the fact that Malal's holy number <i>happens</i> to be 11 so it's <i><strike>likely</strike></i> totally the 11th Primarch. Worshiping chaos itself would be perhaps the biggest no-no one could do as far as the Emperor was concerned and the unpersoning the legions got is not unprecedented when it comes how the Imperium (at least in the 41st) deals with chaos, namely burying the information that it even exists so deeply that nobody it can find it. So it's possible another explanation is similar to what happened during the [[Armageddon#First War for Armageddon|First War of Armageddon]] were all participating guardsmen and civilians were to be 'liquidated' almost literally, and the wolves mind wiped, only the Emperor went one step further and just erased both legions, even if only one fell to chaos. But again 'Malal' again, is the chaos god who fights other chaos gods, so it may not have been that clear cut.

It should further be noted that, in the 42nd Millenium, when asked why there were 11 symbolic chairs rather than 9 for the Primarchs, Guilliman replies something along the lines of "Of the 20, two failed and half the rest turned on my father.", explicitly distinguishing this "failure" from heresy/treason and keeps ceremonial seat for them out of honor. Come to think of it, of the 20 Primarch plints on Terra, 9 were destroyed but 2 were covered up. So it might be that they weren't traitors, but went '''TOO FAR'''.

=== Where Are The Lost Legions Now? ===

With the confirmation that the survivors of the II and XI legions were mind-wiped and assimilated into the Imperial Fists and Ultramarines in ''The Chamber at the End of Memory'', it raises the question of where, if anywhere, the descendants of the two legions are now. Given that the Ultramarines are the progenitors of the majority of Space Marine chapters in the galaxy, that leaves a lot of options. Even having the founder of the chapter appear in the [[Horus Heresy]] series is no guarantee that the chapter isn't descended from one of the lost legions, since the members of the chapter wouldn’t even know themselves. By the end of the Horus Heresy the only person who knew which marines were and weren't descended from the Lost Legions is Rogal Dorn, and it looks like he took the secret to...wherever he went.

The obvious place to start looking for successor chapters of the lost legions is any chapter that seems to deviate a bit too far from the behavior of their supposed primarch and First Founding chapter. The [[Mortifactors]] and [[Doom Eagles]] are two such candidates, given that they don’t behave anything like [[Roboute Guilliman]] and the Ultramarines. Especially given that the II Primarch was described by [[Fulgrim]] as “normally contemplative”, “quiet”, and “humorless”. It would also explain why the [[Soul Drinkers]] believed themselves to be descendants of the Imperial Fists despite later being shown to not have Dorn’s geneseed, despite having a weapon gene-coded to the Soul Drinkers. The fact that the Soul Drinkers rejected the authority of the [[High Lords of Terra]] and fought for the common good of humanity rather than the Imperium itself also fits well with fan theories of one of the lost primarchs being a humanitarian who either believed coexistence with xenos was possible or rejected the Imperium for being just another tyrannical regime.

Then, of course, there is the elephant in the room, the red-headed stepchild of the Imperial Fists, [[Sigismund]] and the [[Black Templars]]. The Black Templars are about as un-Imperial Fist-like as it is possible to be, Imperial Fists being siege specialists who tend towards stoicism and prefer to dig in and defend until the last man, whereas the Black Templars are hyper-aggressive, always crusading, rarely if ever man any fortifications (they don't even have a homeworld, just maintaining a chapter keep on every world they liberate), and are known for their hatred of psykers and extreme piousness, something that is not really seen in the other Imperial Fist descendants. Though Dorn has been shown to have quite the well of rage himself. And, of course, [https://youtu.be/0Vh_N8CpcL0?t=1207 they do not have "fist" in their name]. A lot of attention is paid on Sigismund obsessive desire for Dorn's paternal favor, and there is a brief moment of attention paid to the fact that Sigismund offered to personally tear down the statues of the II and XI primarchs on Terra, sayng they are traitors and did not deserve to be remembered. Dramatic irony perhaps? There's also parallels to Sigismund's IRL namesake, [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sigismund,_Holy_Roman_Emperor#King_of_Hungary| whose father died when he was young, was basically adopted by King Louis the Great of Hungary and Poland, and ended up becoming king of Hungary]. Dorn even says in a moment of anger that Sigismund is “not his son, and never will be”. Regrettable statement made in a moment of anger? Or a subconscious Freudian slip?

Finally, the retconned OG first founding [[Rainbow Warriors]] and [[Valedictors]] are theorized to be lost legion loyalists too.

==The Angel | The Prototype Primarch==

A page covering the Primarchs as a whole can't be complete without covering their predecessor, [[the Angel]], who was created during the [[Unification Wars]] & is implied to be the template from which all 20 Primarchs were modeled after, thus the colloquial names hes given such as "Primarch Zero" or the "Prototype Primarch". For one thing, of all the sons of the Emperor, the Angel's DNA is the least adulterated (save for the literal angel wings), making him more or less a direct clone of the Emperor himself; he's an immensely potent psyker that looks almost exactly like Him but younger and he even wields a flaming sword with blue flames instead of the orange flames of his Father. He even had a blindingly beautiful aura just like the Emperor. Whether or not Erda had a hand in creating the Angel is unknown.

The Angel is effectively the answer to the question of "What if the Primarchs were never scattered & remained pure?" & like the traitor Primarchs, the Angel was obedient at first, but quickly went on a rogue rampage on a planet of humans (not Terra, thankfully) because he could sense they all had very, <i>very</i> minor amounts of chaotic taint and thus deemed them unworthy of the Emperor's love & fully worthy of [[Exterminatus|extermination]]. The Emperor had to put the kibosh on this genocidal maniac from doing any further damage by sealing him in a sarcophagus with an enchantment that would put the Angel into stasis until his casket was abducted in transit to Terra, rediscovered by the Inquisition, then set loose on a daemon prince before being lured back into the sarcophagus again where he now remains in stasis.

==Rules on the Tabletop==
Thanks to Forge World, not only do we have models for the Primarchs, but rules as well. As you can guess, they are ungodly death machines who can easily win their points back and more. That's not to say they're invincible, though; they can still be killed if you screw up badly enough. Do be sure to see [[Primarchs in 8th Edition]] and the google drive link on that page as well, should you want to play 30k using the modern rule set. All currently released Primarchs have the following statlines:
{| border="1" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="5" align="left" class="wikitable sortable"
! || WS || BS || S || T || W || I || A || Ld || Sv || Invul || ML || Points
|-
| '''[[Horus]]''' || 8 || 5 || 7 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 5+1 || 10 || 2+ || 3++ || data-sort-value=0 | || 500
|-
| '''[[Angron]]''' || 9 || 5 || 7 || 6 || 5 || 7 || 6(10)|| 10 || 3+ || 4++ || data-sort-value=0 | || 400
|-
| '''[[Fulgrim]]''' || 8 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 8 || 5 || 10 || 2+ || 5++/3++ in CC || data-sort-value=0 | || 380
|-
| '''[[Mortarion]]''' || 7 || 5 || 6 || 7 || 7 || 5 || 5 || 10 || 2+ || 4++ || data-sort-value=0 | || 425
|-
| '''[[Ferrus Manus]]''' || 7 || 6 || 7 || 7 || 6 || 5 || 4+1 || 10 || 2+ || 3++ || data-sort-value=0 | || data-sort-value=455 | 455 or steal his hammer for 415
|-
| '''[[Konrad Curze]]''' || 8 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 7 || 5+1 || 10 || 2+ || 4++ || data-sort-value=0 | || 435
|-
| '''[[Vulkan]]''' || 7 || 5 || 7 || 7 || 6 || 5 || 4 || 10 || 2+ || 3++ || data-sort-value=0 | || 425
|-
| '''[[Lorgar]]''' || 6 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 5 || 6 || 4+1 || 10 || 2+ || 4++ || data-sort-value=2.5 | 2 or 3 || data-sort-value=375 | 375 or Chaosify him for 450
|-
| '''[[Perturabo]]''' || 8 || 6 || 7 || 6 || 6 || 5 || 4 || 10 || 2+ || 3++ || data-sort-value=0 | || data-sort-value=455 | 455 or give him Forgebreaker for 490
|-
| '''[[Rogal Dorn]]''' || 8 || 5 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 5 || 4 || 10 || 2+ || 4++ || data-sort-value=0 | || 385
|-
| '''[[Corvus Corax]]''' || 7 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 6/5 || 7 || 6/5 || 10 || 2+/3+ || 5++ || data-sort-value=0 | || data-sort-value=450 | 450 or fuck him over for 350
|-
| '''[[Alpharius]]''' || 7 || 7 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 5 || 10 || 2+ || 4++ || data-sort-value=0 | || data-sort-value=415 | 415''.... or is it?''
|-
| '''[[Roboute Guilliman]]''' || 7 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 4+1 || 10 || 2+ || 4++ || data-sort-value=0 | || 400
|-
| '''[[Roboute Guilliman]] (40k, 7e)''' || 9 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 10 || 2+ || 3++ || data-sort-value=0 | || 350
|-
| '''[[Magnus the Red]]''' || 7 || 5 || 7 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 4 || 10 || 2+ || 4++ || 5 || 495 or charge up for 670
|-
| '''[[Magnus the Red]] (Daemon, 40k 7e)''' || 7 || 7 || 8 || 7 || 7 || 7 || 6 || 10 || 4+ || 4++ || 5 || 650
|-
| '''[[Leman Russ]]''' || 9 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 7 || 6 || 10 || 2+ || 4++ || data-sort-value=0 | || 455
|-
| '''[[Jaghatai Khan]]''' || 7 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 8 || 6+1 || 10 || 2+ || 5++/3++ in CC || data-sort-value=0 | || 385 or give him a bike for 460
|-
| '''[[Lion El'Jonson]]''' || 8 || 5 || 7 || 6 || 6 || 7 || 5(7) || 10 || 2+ || 4++ || data-sort-value=0 | || 460
|-
| '''[[Sanguinius]]''' || 9 || 5 || 6 || 6 || 6 || 7 || 6 || 10 || 2+|| 4++ || data-sort-value=0 | || 485
|}<br style="clear: both; height: 0px;" /><br>
*'''Special Rules (not counting the ones specific for each Primarch)'''
**''Primarch''
***''Adamantium Will''
***''Independent Character''
***''Eternal Warrior''
***''Fear''
***''Fleet''
***''Fearless''
***''It Will Not Die''
***''Master of the Legion''
***''Precision Shots''
***''Precision Strikes''
**''Sire of the [Legion]''

As of 8th edition (special rules not included):
{| border="1" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="5" align="left" class="wikitable sortable"
! || M || WS || BS || S || T || W || A || Ld || Sv || Points/Power level
|-
| '''[[Roboute Guilliman]]''' || 8" || 2+ || 2+ || 6 || 6 || 9 || 6 || 10 || 2+/3++|| 360/18||data-sort-value=0 |
|-
| '''[[Magnus the Red]]''' || 16 || 2+ || 2+ || 8 || 7 || 18 || 7 || 10 || 3+/4++ || 445/21||data-sort-value=0 |
|-
| '''[[Mortarion]]''' || 12 || 2+ || 2+ || 8 || 7 || 18 || 6 || 10 || 3+/4++ || 470/24|| data-sort-value= 0 |
|}<br style="clear: both; height: 0px;" /><br>

Each of them have one or two close-combat weapons, all of which are AP2 or 1, backed by some decent gun to lay some dakka down while they run to the glorious melee. Their Primarch rule acts like a big bundle of USRs wrapped up together in one package, and as ICs they can join squads as well (though most of the Primarchs are better run solo). Each of them have a page worth of special rules and unique wargear, both of which can be stupidly powerful to the point of broken, but that's OK since even the cheapest of the Primarchs costs no less than 350 points and eats an extremely valuable Lord of War slot that might otherwise be spent on a [[Thunderhawk]] or a [[Fellblade]].

===Pimpin Rides===
Also worth mentioning, that Perturabo and Rogal Dorn are special enough to get their own personal special/unique vehicle, other primarchs may get their own vehicles in the future (who knows?). However, rules dictate that neither vehicle can be taken in games under 3000 points. Meaning you can only use it in 3000+ matches.

*'''Perturabo''' gets to ride in ''The Tormentor'', a Shadowsword with the Command Tank upgrade. Not only that, but Perturabo is so awesome, he managed to somehow give it 15 troop capacity, meaning it can take 12 Power Armoured dudes + himself, or 6 Terminators for his bodyguard. But, it doesn't stop there! It also has a single Void Shield! It costs 25pts more than a normal Shadowsword with the same upgrades, but following FAQs it also has BS4, free sponsons, and gains Tank Hunters/Monster Hunters any time it fires all its guns at one target.
*'''Dorn,''' on the other hand, gets a customised Thunderhawk Gunship, the ''Ætos Dios''. This ship has Turbo Laser as standard, plus a single Void Shield to protect it, it also has It Will Not Die so can regenerate some of its hull points and finally it ALSO has a 4+ invulnerable save against missiles, all on top of being a flyer which means you can only snap-shot at it, all for the bargain cost of 600 points - which is actually 175 points CHEAPER than a normal Legion Thunderhawk with a Turbo-Laser, though you obviously still have to pay for Rogal.
*'''Khan''' gets his own bitching jetbike: the Sojutsu Pattern Voidbike. I has two master crafted heavy bolters, ups his toughness to 7 and lets him do d3 hammer of wrath attacks.

==Douchebagginess==
It is well known that most of the primarchs were douchebags to varying degrees.

From least to most douchebag. Note, the scale really drops off into [[dick|'''fucking''' douchebag]] after Jaghatai, and straight-up villain after Fulgrim and '''FUCKING CUNT''' after Lorgar. Also, depending on what they did, the Lost Primarchs may be even worse than all actions depicted here. Generally speaking, we'll be grading these guys on their personalities, treatment of their legion and others, and their motives and reasons for their actions. Also, we'll be adding more weight to their actions during the Great Crusade rather than the Heresy, not many Primarchs had a clear head during the Age of Darkness. Keep in mind that, as charismatic and badass as they may be, the Primarchs are responsible for a level of warmongering and genocide that would appall even the worst of Earth's dictators. How they feel about these atrocities, and why they did it (is it grim necessity, standard Imperial procedure or baseless sadism?) is what separates the [[Sanguinius|"good"]] from the [[Konrad Curze|"bad"]].

# '''The Nice Guys'''
## '''Vulkan''' - The least douchebaggy primarch by far. Vulkan routinely put the life of him and his men on the line for the sake of the Imperial citizens. Vulkan would throw himself to the defence of a no name human tribe with the same ferocity and zeal as he would Terra itself. A total bro. Also was the largest, strongest Primarch (Ferrus' metal arms were determined as cheating) and held back in sparring for fear of hurting his brothers. His only real fault was that, despite his strong distaste for terror weapons, he had a thing for setting people on fire. The only times he was an asshole were when he forgot who he was due to Curze's torture driving him mad. Of course, he's still a Primarch and a '''fiery''' general, and he ''will'' leave you a pile of ash if you end up on his shitlist.
## '''Sanguinius''' - Despite some... [[Red Thirst|unorthodox tendencies]], he is reported as being the most charismatic of the Primarchs, perhaps second only to Horus. He taught his men humility and nobility, and put the well-being of humanity above any personal glory. A pretty all-round nice guy (except for that little aforementioned bloodlust problem). And he can also lapse a bit, as seen in his treatment of Curze by denying him a chance of changing his fate & earning forgiveness, and he regrettably had to kill many of his Red-Thirsted men when they got too batshit even for him. Like Vulkan though, he can still be a ferocious force if riled up, he once beat the shit out of guy for daring to imply the Signus III campaign was a trap (it was, but he had no reason to suspect Horus at that point).
## '''Magnus the Red''' - For his faults, Magnus was one of the nicest Primarchs right up there with Vulkan and Sanguinius. Before the whole Prospero thing, this guy's MO was all about the advancement of humanity: always trying the diplomatic approach to preserve what could be preserved, using shock and awe tactics to limit damage when fighting, happily taking remembrancers along his legion (Although all remembrancers amongst the fellowship were psykers to some degree). Magnus was a friendly and open-minded idealist, which makes it all the more tragic when he gets deceived, framed, backstabbed and then coaxed into selling his soul to the [[Tzeentch|Cuttlefish of Keikaku]]. He is easily the most sympathetic of the traitors, considering he only joined them after being backed into a corner; had Jaghatai been at his side during and after Nikaea things might have turned out differently. He was also the only traitor Primarch who actually cared about his men, even after ascending to daemonhood. The novel ''Deathfire'' also ups his bro-ness quite a bit, as he proved himself the only traitor-aligned Primarch to ''sincerely'' do something very helpful for one of his loyalist brothers after the Horus Heresy was already in full swing. This "special favour" is made all the more striking given how it took place ''after'' Magnus had his adoptive homeworld burned out from under him. Perhaps his skin was red not only because of mutation, but because it also showed [[Lovedagger|the greatness of his heart]]? On the other hand, this was done by one of the fragments of Magnus that embodied his love for his gene-sons and fellow Primarchs (which ultimately self-destructed to keep the Crimson King from absorbing its power), so any hope that he kept that good heart died after Ahriman's failure at his Second Rubric on Prospero. While his soul was still in one piece, Magnus's main character flaw was his arrogance. While he wasn't an in-your-face type like Fulgrim, Magnus and his Legion were still entirely convinced that they knew the Warp better than anyone else, which led to them disregarding many warnings and red flags that could've been avoided, leading almost directly to their awful, [[Rubric Marines|awful]] fates. Also, Magnus wasn't ENTIRELY innocent as he had implanted sleeper agents and spies throughout the Imperium, ruining the lives of those brainwashed while betraying the trust of his brothers. Why he did this isn't exactly clear (it's very unlikely to be Chaos related) though it's most likely an attempt to obtain information and records his brother might otherwise destroy.
## '''Corax''' - Even after being raised under the tyranny of the Kiavahrans, he refused to take after their tyrannous ways, wanted to make things right, and asked the Emperor to end the civil war he started while liberating his homeworld of Lycaeus. Seeing the ruthless tendencies the Terran members of his legion had, he quietly shipped them way the fuck away from the rest of the Great Crusade to go fight xenos or had them all slaughtered during the Battle of Gate 42. One of the only primarchs to readily admit his own mistakes, which were many and sometimes tragic. Developed a brutal habit of folding Chaos Space Marines into pretzels when shapeshifting into a tangible shadow during his hunt against his Daemon brothers Post-Heresy but left the slaves alone.
## '''Jaghatai Khan''' - Despite him being modeled after [[Genghis motherfucking Khan|the guy who holds the high score on raping and pillaging]], Jaghatai was actually very reasonable and [[Kharn|a pretty fun guy to be around]]. His main hobbies included [[Dark Eldar|raiding and jetbikes]], but he had an appreciation for [[Blood Angels|the fine arts]] as well. He was very good friends with Magnus and very pro-psyker. However he also kept his distance from pretty much everyone else, save Horus, not wanting to deal with other people's bullshit, unless they were really worth the effort - as the result very few people knew and trusted him (especially once his only bros turned traitor). While the Khan didn't seem to care too much about the whole Great Crusade thing and spent most of his time doing his own thing, he never turned his back on the Imperium and sincerely believed in the idea of an Empire in the starry skies. And this was despite being the one of the few Primarchs to understand how bunked the whole [[Imperial Truth]] secular atheist propaganda really was (remember that the Chogorisian had Shamans, who also are the ones who select the White Scars' Chapter Master through mysterious initiatic trials); and of the Emperor himself he declared that he was "neither a monster nor a simpleton", mostly because he knew that [[Chaos]] was far worse (of course). So, the Emperor knew all along that the Khagan had his priorities right and would therefore not betray him, even when Malcador brought up the topic; and this was in spite of the personal relationship of father and son being explicitly awkward.
# '''The In-between'''
## '''Guilliman''' - R.G. is a jerk with a (or rather two) heart(s) of gold or a nice guy with a nasty mean streak, depending on how you look at him. Some people might say this dude was a statesman in the same vein as Augustus Caesar- he was great at building states and making life generally better for people, but only if you ignore the deported and murdered people who didn't agree 100% with the new regime. For somebody more reasonable, Guilliman was perhaps one of the most responsible and human among his brothers. He cared about the common man, personally planned post-war reconstruction and political integration into the Imperium of the planets he conquered and (unofficially) tolerated moderate presence of religion in Ultramar. But for sure the guy had a big ego, as he constantly spoke and behaved like he knew what was best for everyone, at least until proven wrong (multiple times). And you better not get on his shit list, although to be fair he was mostly a complete jerk with people he considers being [[Konrad Curze|psycho]] [[Angron|mass murderers]] with [[Perturabo|no respect for their own sons]] or [[Alpharius|civilian populations]]. And despite what [[Matt Ward|some people]] would have you believe, he knew he couldn't plan for every situation and expected people to use their own judgment rather than blindly follow his [[Codex Astartes|codex]]. Like Jaghatai Khan, we know Guilliman recognized that the Emperor was a horrible father (likely since he's one of the few among his brothers to have had actual decent adoptive parents) and that the ideals the Emperor espoused were far more important than the Emperor himself ever was, and after learning that his whole [[Imperium Secundus]] plan was based on bad assumptions he's been beating himself up about it all the way into the 42nd millennium. While he's grown more cynical since his revival and subsequent realization of how badly the Imperium had devolved in his absence, he has refused to abandon his noble ideals or his faith in humanity as a whole and has privately considered the possibility that in retrospect he had been overly dismissive of Lorgar's ideas about the Emperor's divinity. He also seems to be a bit more irritable than he used to be, but given [[Great Rift|his]] [[Age of the Dark Imperium|current]] situation it would be more surprising if that wasn't the case. Also, may have actually imprisonned [[Cypher]] and the Fallen so that the Emperor wouldn't discover [[Assholetep|who broke Lion El'Jonson's best sword]], ultimately causing him to die in battle in Emprah's mini-me's own pseudo Horus Heresy.
# '''The Douches'''
## '''Horus''' - Pre-Heresy he was a surprisingly chill dude, except if you crossed his sensibilities. Got along well with the regular people and his brothers, but he gradually started treating some of them like shit after becoming Warmaster and resented the idea that he and his brothers would not be able to rule over the planets that they had conquered. His insecurities may have also made him vulnerable to the Dark Gods' lies when he received a vision of the Imperium 10,000 years into the future where the Emperor was worshiped as a god, he and many of his brothers were forgotten, and everything was Grimdark--a future that, unbeknownst to him, he would be directly responsible for creating specifically as a result of his own attempts to avert it. The whole [[Heresy]] thing just sort-of kills his position on the list. After going full Chaos, he rapidly became a much, much bigger dick.
## '''Rogal Dorn''' - Although one hell of a masochist, and at times thick-headed, he did see the idea behind the Imperium, and actually agreed with it. Honest and dependable, while Rogal didn't make for interesting conversation, he would always do his job without complaint. Had as much empathy and subtlety as one of his fortresses and ended up hurting a lot of people (mostly emotionally, but sometimes physically too) with his over-the-top brutal honesty. The prime example was when he betrayed Fulgrim's trust after they had a discussion regarding Konrad's visions, and provoked Curze into slashing him across the face. However, he could occasionally get quite philosophical, and is perhaps the only Primarch to admit that his own nature and power unsettled him.
## '''Leman Russ''' - Nowhere near as much of a dick as butthurt Magnus fanboys would have you believe. He was indeed savage and brutal, but ultimately always keeping the larger goal of betterment of humanity in sight and having good reasons for that myopia. Prone to picking fights with his brothers and destroyed Prospero under questionable circumstances. That said, he used the culture of his homeworld to give his Legion control over its savagery, and made the Space Wolves focus on protecting people from monsters instead of just butchering civilians. He did use terror tactics, mass killings, and the destruction of knowledge, but he did so out of loyalty to humanity and the Emperor, not just because he felt like it. Bottom line: Russ certainly had his fair share of flaws, but as belligerent and myopic as he could be he always tried to make the galaxy safe for humanity in the longer run.
## '''Lion El'Jonson''' - The Lion was complex, to say the least. He had an arrogance that matched Fulgrim or Horus's worst moments combined with a difficult early life fighting Chaos beasts on Caliban. This "do-or-die" attitude spilled over into his interpersonal skills, hard. Too hard. Put simply, you had one chance with Johnson and if he ever decided you wasted it, then it was over and you went on his shitlist forever. The end result was a Primarch who was aloof and taciturn, whose poor communication skills made him unsuited to lead the Primarchs but whose ego made it impossible for him to accept the seniority of Horus or Russ. At the same time, there was a competitive, spiteful, and self-centered side to the Lion, which led him to execute one of his own Dark Angels over a conflict of authority and nearly kill Russ over an argument about kill-stealing. There's been speculation in-universe and out of it that he wasn't wholly loyal to the Emperor, but he made it clear to Curze that he sees loyalty as "its own reward". The only reason he's below Russ is that Russ at least admitted his own faults and tried to interact with people, while the Lion was too stubborn to admit when he was wrong and came off as distant at the best of times.
## '''Ferrus Manus''' - A big dude with a penchant for bursts of choleric anger. Between his resting bitch face and his Social Darwinist ideals, he seems at first glance to be a natural candidate for a traitor. However, his honesty and loyalty to the Emperor mean he certainly wasn't as bad as Perturabo or Mortarion, and he did sincerely believe that weakness would cause the Imperium to collapse. He was... really a pain to deal with, however. Unlike, let's say, Dorn, who was only really mean when you made it on his shitlist, Ferrus was only nice to people who made it on his ''friends''list. Anyone else could, as far as he was concerned, either stay out of his way or get introduced to his fists. Most of the Loyalists and even some Traitors (at first) viewed the protection of the innocent as their goal, while Ferrus encouraged tactics that led to massive civilian casualties, and where Primarchs like Curze or Angron took Legions that were bad about mortal deaths and kept up such practices, Manus took a Legion that had tried to minimize mortal deaths and made them worse about it. All this said, he was loyal unto death to the Emperor's ideals and he also understood that his sons' fetish for cybernetics was beyond unhealthy and wanted to help them overcome it. His death ensured that last part would never happen, and indeed made them double down on their hatred of the flesh.
## '''Alpharius Omegon''' - Damned if anyone knows. You just can't trust that/those guy(s), which does make him/them a pretty big dick by default. The fallout from some of the Alpha Legion's Crusade-era shenanigans suggests a certain inclination to showing off at the expense of civilian lives, probably due to an enormous inferiority-superiority complex. Still, they rebelled under perhaps the best intentions among all the traitors with Alpharius at least recognising Chaos had to be defeated (we think- it's still ambiguous as to their end goals) Omegon is possibly a bit better, in that he wasn't willing to sacrifice all of mankind to do so (maybe). After Alpharius's probable death by Dorn at Pluto and Omegon taking his mantle to (allegedly) die at Guilliman's hands, the legion debatably turned into a schizophrenic monster, though this is better than what Fulgrim's actions turned his legion into by far.
## '''Fulgrim''' - Not as much a dick as some other Primarchs. Still a dick to humans and Marines who didn't match his ridiculously high standards. He also can't keep a secret, betraying Konrad Curze's trust and causing him to go nuts on Dorn's face. Other than Horus and Sanguinius, was the only Primarch to really get along with all his brothers (save Jagatai, but that's his fault. Oh, Mortarion thought he was a prancing idiot. And Fulgrim considered Russ a dumb hick. And he didn't seem to like the Second very much), and was BFFs with Ferrus Manus, of all people. That is, until he chopped his head off. Rude. Also took pride to the extremity of arrogance, hence his fall to Slaanesh. Interestingly, his bizarre fixation on friendship with Ferrus never left him, constantly cloning him with help of Fabius Bile and trying to win him over his side. Needless to say, he's failed thus far.
# The '''Self-righteous Jerk'''
## '''Lorgar''' - The dude who brought this whole fucking mess into fruition. If only he had strangled Erebus and Kor Phaeron at the first mention of Chaos. Instead he decided he was going to ruin everything for everybody because his daddy was a NAYtheist and none of the brothers really supported him. He started off as a well-intentioned idealist who sought to use what he knew best to uplift humanity, religion, before the Emperor's actions on Monarchia destroyed his psyche, allowing Erebus and Kor Phaeron to let him know about [[Chaos|the other gods who would appreciate his worship]]. While it's true he shouldn't have been treated so harshly by the Emperor (even Malcador and Guilliman privately said as much), and even though he believed Chaos was necessary for humanity to survive and continue existence, the fact that Chaos & the Horus Heresy caused the 10,000 year old Imperium to become the grimdark, bloody, corpse-littered cesspool we all know and love would normally outweighs all of the slivers of sympathy that he might have had. And yet, there are people far, far worse than him. To be honest, he was one of the nicest primarchs before the destruction of Monarchia, comparable to Magnus before the Burning of Prospero. He tried to befriend everyone and was one of the primarchs that mostly conquered planets by words and faith, instead of by fire and sword and along Dorn and Guilliman, was one of the rarer ones that wouldnt leave conquered worlds as utter shitholes, instead rebuilding them and integrating its population. All this make his downfall even more sad and tragic, and even after his fall, he seemed to be generally concerned about his brother Angron's (of all people) life, which was a primary reason that he was in a hurry transforming him. Also, confrontation with Corax shows that he genuinely cares for his son's lives, putting him above the disgusting fucktards below. Then again, he was completely blasé about the ''horrific'' fates the Forces of Chaos inflicted on people (see the Gal Vorbak for reference), regardless of whether they wanted it or not. Also, he's arguably the only Primarch who is completely unrepentant about his crimes towards the Imperium (even Horus acknowledged what a piece of shit he himself had become, and Fulgrim sometimes expressed regret when the pink haze wasn't clouding his mind). In sum, Lorgar is why we can't have [[Noblebright|nice things.]]
# The '''FUCKING CUNTS'''
## '''Mortarion''' - Rubbed everyone the wrong way. EVERYONE, excluding Eidolon who he actually got along with somehow. Downright bigoted against psykers. He resented pretty much everyone who he felt had it easier than him. He was also notorious for using chemical and radiological terror weapons and generally not giving a fuck about who got killed by them. However, his reputation is slightly misleading. Mortarion was the Primarch who was the most driven to slay monsters and bring down tyrants, and would rather go kill more monsters than rebuild the planet. He and his Legion were almost always deployed in the most hellish and war-torn locations, so their use of chemical weapons didn't do as much damage as Morty's detractors would have you believe. Maybe not, but he'd still deploy them in almost any theatre as a matter of course. Over time, he became more and more disgusted with people's acceptance of [[Emperor|tyrants]] and [[Magnus the Red|psykers]], and became much more likely to kill everything in the vicinity of what he considered evil. Interestingly he did care deeply for his own people, which is why he was so driven to take down both monsters and tyrants after witnessing the rule of his foster father oppressed the populace, though he didn't exactly do much, if anything to show it. Then [[Nurgle]] made him his plague-ridden bitch, at which point he decided to just take his bitterness out on everyone lacking the Plaguefather's "gifts".
## '''Angron''' - Loved killing people and not much else. Most of the casualties within his legion were a result of him being a team-killing psycho because quite frankly he didn't care what he got to kill as long as he got to kill it. That said, Angron at least had an excuse for being such a rampaging dick all the time. The Butcher's Nails had effectively turned him into a half-mindless killing machine, as it actually has not just remapped but ''replaced'' parts of his brain, effectively removing from him any emotions other than pain, hatred and battle-lust, which arguably means he doesn't even have any Moral Agency (that's Philosopher-speak for saying that he can't be held ethically accountable for his actions any more than a toaster can for burning your fingers). One may wonder what sort of guy he would have been without the implants, maybe someone more akin to [[Conan the Barbarian]]? Just consider even with the nails biting at his mind he became life bros with the other gladiators of Nuceria and stopped himself from killing worthy adversaries back during his life as a slave, such an act must have meant getting brain-roasted by the Butcher's Nails. But he stick to his guns despite the suffering. On top of that, he got fucked over pretty hard by Big E when they first met, so it's no wonder he went traitor the moment Horus made him an offer, we may even credit him for enduring years fighting for the Imperium instead of just getting himself killed in any of the battles. At the end of the day, Angron was probably the primarch who gave least fucks about his legion and was content to let it run itself without his leadership, although he never really wanted one to begin with. As a result, many of the saner parts of his legion ''loathed'' him, to say nothing about his general reputation (Isstvaan III wasn't the first time...). The action that places him so low on this list is the fact that he allowed the spread of Butcher's Nails throughout his Legion, despite his own hatred of the damn things and the fact they cause him so many issues, not least going psycho rage-monster most of the time; which is a pretty fucked up thing for him to condone. Then again, many of his sons accepted the mini-Nails to get closer to their Primarch, psykers, however, died horribly, not that Angron gave a shit. Perhaps he allowed it because seeing his sons with Butcher's Nails reminded him of his fallen gladiator brothers and sisters on Nuceria, but then again he blew up the planet along with all of the people he once fought to liberate just because they were bad-mouthing him. He really wasn't all that great of a guy even during his moments of lucidity, and he was one the few Primarchs to willingly kill his own men during the Great Crusade, an act even ''Horus'' thought was unthinkable.
## '''Perturabo''' - Initially, Pert was a fairly relaxed architect, swapping lore with Magnus and dreaming up untold wonders (we get a look at this more reasonable side during Angel Exterminatus). During the crusade, though, he and his legion were given the very shittiest jobs and the least recognition, going so far as to have the Iron Warriors' credit in a campaign handed to other legions [[Galactic Partridges|swiped]] least a few times. Understandably pissed, Perturabo spiraled from a not-very-high start to rock bottom, caring even less about the life of his legionaries and civilians than Mortarion. Unlike other Primarchs like Angron and Mortarion, Perturabo didn't really have that tragic of an upbringing to justify his shitty personality. And while he did have a sympathetic foster sister, Calliphone, who tried to help him cope with his dreams being belittled and court politics plaguing him in his childhood, any sympathy went out the window when he choked her to death for pointing out his flaws and foolishness causing the planet's rebellion after he devastated Olympia (even though he did cry afterwards). Like Angron, Perturabo was one the few Primarchs who willingly killed his own men. Unlike Angron, who usually did it in a spur of rage and madness, Perturabo's decimation of IVth Legion was cold, calculated, and entirely deliberate. It is this act, along with many others, that led to the Iron Warriors being a top candidate for the title of "[[Daemonculaba|evilest]] [[Honsou|motherfuckers]] in the setting". Angron at least had the flimsy justification of the nails. Perturabo simply fell to his emotions. By the end we was just an envious, petty bastard who was always complaining whenever things didn't go his way (which was always).
## '''Konrad Curze''' - Arguably the most sadistic of all primarchs, Konrad really got off to torturing people and manipulating the masses through fear. Warped as it may have been, he did at least have a sense of justice. Unfortunately, his desire to protect the innocent was eviscerated and left to die in a gutter by his desire to punish the guilty. Nostramo was a grade A five star bona fide shithole and it shows in the actions of the King of the Night. The man who was supposed to be the ultimate harbinger of justice ended up as an unholy combination of Batman and Joker. Any ideas of mercy or decency he may have harbored had been long buried under a massive pile of flayed guts. Angron may have not really cared about his Legion, but Curze actively despised his own long before the Horus Heresy ever started. He did admit that what he had done was wrong, but instead of trying to atone for his atrocities, he used that fact he was going to be assassinated as validation of his actions. In fact, the only two things that genuinely seemed to scare him were the possibilities that the Emperor '''wouldn't''' order his death ''(and render his life choices meaningless)'' -- or even worse, be forgiven for his behavior. The fact that he refused to turn back to heroism at so many opportunities because he felt himself a puppet of fate makes one unable to decide whether he is contemptible or pathetic. Curze skirts this foul line.

==See Also==

[[Return of the Primarchs]]: A What IF? series filled with pure [[AWESOME]] and [[Fist of the North Star|MANLY TEARS]].

A little side note, if you want an awesome look at the Primarchs in all their Crusadey goodness, go look at Aerion the Faithful's Libris Primaris project. http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/topic/152862-artwork-libris-primaris/

==Miniatures==

* The official 30K miniatures are produced by [[Forge World]]
* [https://www.hitechminiatures.com Hitechminiatures] has good alternative models
* [https://wargameexclusive.com Wargame Exclusive] also has very good alternative models but a smaller selection - yet.
* [https://cadwallon.com/ Cadwallon] has [https://cadwallon.com/wargames/chibiprimes Chibi Primes]

==Gallery==

<center>
===Loyal===
<gallery>
File:Lion El'Jonson.JPEG|[[Lion El'Jonson]]
File:JaghataiKhan-1-.jpg|[[Jaghatai Khan]] (can't hate a man who wears heeled calfboots)
File:LEMAN RUSS.jpg|[[Leman Russ]]
File:Rogal Dorn Portrait.png|[[Rogal Dorn]]
File:Sanginuscool.jpg|[[Sanguinius]]
File:Ferrus Manus Pre-Haircut.jpg|[[Ferrus Manus]]
File:Robute Guilliman.jpg|[[Roboute Guilliman]] (Big Bobby G)
File:Vulkan's Face.jpg|[[Vulkan]]
File:Corax Portrait.png|[[Corvus Corax]]
</gallery>

===Traitor===
<gallery>
File:Horus Portrait.png|[[Horus Lupercal]] (THAT ONE FUCK-UP)
File:Fulgrim by slaine69.jpg|[[Fulgrim]] (look at his sexyness)
File:Perturabo Portrait.jpg|[[Perturabo]]
File:Konrad Curze Mugshot.jpg|[[Konrad Curze]]/Night Haunter/Batman
File:Angron Butchers Nails.jpg|[[Angron]] (GETS. SHIT. DONE.)
File:Mortarion Portrait.jpg|[[Mortarion]]
File:Magnus.jpg|[[Magnus the Red]]
File:Lorgar Handsome.jpg|[[Lorgar Aurelian]] (goldboy)
File:Alpharius2.jpg|[[Alpharius]]/[[Omegon]]
</gallery>
</center>

{{Template:Primarchs}}
{{Imperium}}

[[Category:Chaos]]