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The Culture

2017-08-02T18:23:02Z

2A02:C7D:CA0:8500:B95D:9E15:50E:A4F7: /* Other civilizations */

[[File:Gsv.jpg|400px|thumb|right|It's more fun in the Culture]]
''"You might call them soft, because they’re very reluctant to kill, and they might agree with you, but they’re soft the way the ocean is soft, and, well; ask any sea captain how harmless and puny the ocean can be."''
— Cheradenine Zakalwe, ''Use of Weapons''

'''The Culture''' is a series of Scifi novels by Scottish writer Iain M. Banks, about a spacefaring utopian society called 'The Culture'. The stories focus mainly on space politics, ethical dilemmas, black humor, sexuality, and despair.

However, it's relevance on /tg/ stems mainly from the fact that the universe in general is so ridiculously fucking powerful and can utterly and completely assrape nearly anything put against it.

==Overview==
The Culture is a galactic civilization which serves as the main setting for many Iain M Banks novels and short stories, the first novel in the series being ''Consider Phlebas''.

It is basically what would have happened if the humans from the [[Dark Age of Technology|Golden Age of Technology]] did not have a small problem with genocidal [[Men of Iron]]. More cynically, it is what would happen if the government of ''Brave New World'' was a galactic superpower: making sure everyone wants for nothing, but desperate for something to fill the emptiness. Well, they are a bit less extreme than that; eugenism is ''definitely not'' something the Culture would agree with, but that's the general idea.

The Culture is set in our own timeline, the stories taking place between 1300 AD and 2100 AD, Earth being contacted roughly around 2100 AD. It is the product of six or seven pan-human civilizations that decided to merge together 10,000 years ago and create what is basically a space utopia. The Culture is a post-scarcity society, where basically everything is available for free, time being the only resource to take into account. It does not have a centralized government, as it is more a society that an real state or nation. Very few written laws exist (and if you feel the need to ask what are these written laws, then ''there is clearly something wrong with you'') and people are basically allowed to do pretty much whatever they want. Now, in the novels, we do not have many details about how the Culture actually works, but, in Banks' words, it's "an ethical and cynical anarchy that tries to be a ''rather good society'', following socialist, libertarian and anarchist principles.

Well, apparently that works. The Culture is around since ten millennia, and is now considered to be one of the most powerful civilizations of the galaxy. And they aren't, contrary to many [[Tau|utopias]], hiding anything. The Culture is a ''genuine'' utopia and a very good place to live, which is actually quite rare in sci-fi in general, and modern sci-fi in particular.

Now, where is the trick?

Well, you do not attain such a level of power in the galaxy while being space hippies all the time. There is a faction/intelligence service/conspiration in the Culture called ''Contact'', which is dedicated to, well, establish contact with other civilizations. The books focus on the interaction between the Culture and said civilizations, mainly through the eyes of people that belong to ''Special Circumstances'', which is basically the Culture's CIA, mostly trying to... well, influence other civilizations to make sure they will, one day or an other, end up joining the Culture willingly. Said interactions may imply technological transfers, propaganda, up to ''starting revolutions and civil wars''. Space hippies inside, sure, but imperialist outside. The Culture is like a sponge that slowly absorbs other civilizations over the course of millennia.

Oh, and did I mention they are ''quite advanced''? And when I mean advanced, I really mean it. The Culture is ruled... ahem, benevolently oversaw by ''Minds'', that is to say extremely powerful AIs (so powerful that they dedicate only a fraction of their power to such trivial matters and spend the rest bulding virtual worlds with 12 dimensions), and in general AIs are considered as citizens of the Culture, from the biggest sentient ships (because yes, all of their ships are sentient, why did you even ask?) to the smallest drones. Aside from being sentient, their ships have hulls made of force fields, because metal is for pussies anyway, can reach 230,000 times the speed of light and the biggest ones measure in hundreds of kilometers and can carry entire ecosystems, with billions of people on board. Oh and the Culture does not live on planets, because that's absolutely ''inelegant'', so they use Orbitals, that are basically Halo-style ringworlds scattered across the galaxy. Did I mention that the average Culturnik may live for 400 years, and technically reach immortality even if it is not considered as fun, and thus not really popular? ''And in one novel, a ship save the life of a beheaded man by simply teleporting the severed head back and creating a new body from scratch''.

Last but not least, the Culture are ''peaceful'' and not ''pacifist''. Which means that, contrary to [[Ork|certain]] [[Imperium of Man|people]], they won't invade you without a reason, but if you fuck with the Culture, they ''can'' and most certainly ''will'' obliterate you. The base weapon of their military ships is "gridfire", which basically amounts to [[Awesome|''using the fabric of space and time as a weapon'']] (That actually says a lot about Banks' universe, considering that the Culture is not, although in the top ten, most advanced race in the setting). The first novel, ''Consider Phlebas'' features a galactic war between the Culture and an other race called the Idirans, and after a few years of being crushed, the Culture who finally started mobilizing simply steamrolls and utterly annihilate its foe. After this, the Culture started designing actual dedicated warships, going so far as to give them obviously threatening class designations like Torturer, Thug, and Murderer. Their most powerful warship, the Abominator, is so overpowered in the current setting that it was capable of wiping out millions (not an exageration) of enemy vessels unaided, and actually did so far slower than it needed to because it was enjoying itself too much to finish the engagement quickly. Other races find it odd that a race like the Culture turned out to be so martially capable. The wiser Involved civilisations note that whilst most races start off more aggressive and learn to tone down, the peaceful Culture had to do the opposite. So while hippies they may be, there is one axiom that you should not forget "Don't Fuck with the Culture".

== Why the hell is that interesting? ==
Because it's a rather original take on the human galactic society theme; the socialist/libertarian/anarchist utopia. Banks called the Culture a ''rather good'' society, and it's exactly what it is; a civilization that tries to be as good and benevolent as it can, both inside and outside of its (very loose) borders. It may actually be the only utopia in recent sci-fi. And it's a realistic utopia, to a certain extent; the consequences of its imperialism are sometimes quite grimdark (In fact, Banks' fiction overall, is quite grimdark, but never goes into grimderp. Some might say it's not grimdark but simply realism), and the fact that most of the stories starring the Culture take place on its borders or in other civilizations bring different point of view about this society that is, ultimately, the main character of Banks' sci-fi, a character that manages to be both extremely reasonable and sometimes ''batshit insane'' while remaining realistic and believable.

== Good reasons to live in the Culture ==
*Any form of work is now a hobby.
*You live for at least 400 years, but immortality is absolutely a thing.
*You can change sex at will (takes a few months, though).
*Every Culturnik has a gland that can synthesize any drug, without side effects or addiction of course. That also includes a very deep control over your body.
*Your ships have awesome names. Seriously. ''Mistake Not My Current State Of Joshing Gentle Peevishness For The Awesome And Terrible Majesty Of The Towering Seas Of Ire That Are Themselves The Milquetoast Shallows Fringing My Vast Oceans Of Wrath'' is one of them. Well, also a hell of a lot of them are puns, plays on words or running jokes. For example, ''Frank Exchange of Views'' is a fast warship, while one of them most powerful referenced is called ''Falling Outside The Normal Moral Constraint''. See [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_spacecraft_in_the_Culture_series this list for more comedy.]
*You can do pretty much whatever you want.
*No, really.
*Of course, if you want your own planet, it'll take a while, but why not?
*You can live in simulations so complex their simulations have simulations.
*War is but history. Except when galactic wars break out. Even then...
*Even then your chances of ''actually dying'' are quite low, given the number of medical, back-up and consciousness-transferring systems the Culture has.
*Name a landscape or a place you would like to live in. One Orbital somewhere has it.
*With a bit of luck, the drone that accompanies you is not crazy.
*Name a game or a sport. It is played somewhere in the Culture. You could even become a professional Player Of Games.
*Want some action, travels and overly complicated plots? The nearest Contact recruitment office is here for you.
*Travel wherever you want.
*You live in a space utopia instead of [[Imperium of Man|this]] and you still complain?

== Why it might sometimes not be that good ==
*The Mind of your Orbital/Ship knows everything about you. Not that it cares, mind you. But still.
*Minds and Drones will always be benevolent for you. Which doesn't mean they can't troll you with style.
*Everyone can change sex at will, and it's actually a common custom for heterosexual couples to switch genders both, each parent bearing the child of the other. Thus, expect extremely complicated family and relationship issues.
*Things get boring after a while. So much that you could want to join Special Circumstances...
*Which, apart from the fact that they do not recruit people like this, is not always a good idea. You will probably end up in a situation where the Culture's plan is so complicated it would make [[Tzeentch]] jealous.
*Other races laugh at you because your ships' names lack gravitas. ''Which has become a running gag among Minds, that will try to name as many ships as they can with the word "gravitas" in the name''.
*You live in a place where there are weapons that can kill you while still making you believe you are alive. And one of the military Minds is called ''Meatfucker'' by the others, how do you think it took that nickname? (It read organic beings' minds, something that's considered deviant and taboo even among the hyper libertine Culture)
*Your personal drone is definitely crazy.
== Other civilizations ==

*The Idiran Empire - a race of tripod like reptiles that evolved on a deathworld, forcing the Idiran race to evolve into a tall, armour-plated, biologically immortal warrior race. Their religion is an odd form of racial solipsism ; only beings with souls are considered sentient, souls can only exist in an immortal body, therefore only Idirans deserve to exist. The Culture, with it's (unarguably) actually sentient Mind's and Drones, are seen as the exemplars of heresy, hence why the Idirans declared a Jihad war against them. Despite being roughly equal to the Culture technologically and having superior allies, they ultimately end up losing the war (prompting the other galactic civs to coin the term "don't fuck with the Culture") and tone down their xenophobic tendencies over the following centuries, ironically becoming more Culture like in the process.

*The Sublimed - technically not a race but are encountered by virtually every spacefaring society. The Sublimed are the end stage of almost every civilisation, representing ascension into an energy based being residing in an adjacent dimension. The technology to do so isn't actually that complicated but only a Mind level AI or sizeable planetary community can Sublime and still maintain any meaningful presence. They're effectively capable of doing anything they want but don't tend to interact with the material universe, save for seemingly random and inscrutable actions (like flinging moons at the planets of civilisations that hunt the local variety of space whale or keeping people away from memorial planets of dead civilisations with weaponized barriers of spacetime). Many civilisations have tried to enter the Sublime without subliming first. Almost all attempts result in failure and the tiny number that enter and come back aren't mentally capable of describing what it's like. The Culture is considered unusual because it's had the ability to sublime for millenia but hasn't - the Sublimed themselves consider them the equivalent of a party guest that stays a bit too long. The Culture, conversely, finds it a bit too convenient that most civilisations sublime everyone at once, implying coercion of some kind. Even when a Subliming goes well, the local galactic community have to make sure that less advanced civilisations don't make a rush for the abandoned remains of the civilisation and disrupting the local order.

*The Empire of Azad - an autocratic monarchy of humanoids based in an isolated part of the galaxy. They have made contact with other galactic civilisations but all have been technologically inferior - the Culture is the only civilisation they have encountered that are more advanced, to a ludicrous degree. Their main shtick is having three sexes (males as workers and soldiers, females as trinkets and breeders, and an "apex" sex that controls everything). The other more important feature is the game of Azad. A ludicrously complicated board-game played on football pitch sized boards, it plays like a real life version of Civilisation writ large (the specifics are left deliberately vague). The complexity of game simulates the skills needed to rule the empire, so the winner of the regular tournament becomes the Emperor. Male and Female Azadians are allowed to play, but are never allowed to get very far due to the apex sex being the only ones allowed to hold offices and having access to specialised schools and learning drugs. The Culture encounters them during a period of aggressive expansion, which isn't a positive thing as Banks intended them to be a dark reflection of parts of our own civilisations. The Culture sends a professional game-player to participate in the tournament (in an unoffical capacity), effectively acting as a proxy war between the Empire and the Culture.

*The Affront - a race of gas dwelling octopus like beings that can be best described as a cross between a jolly British colonial aristocrat and your average dark eldar. At best, they are considered to be boisterously good natured (if they become your friend, you're in for life) and monstrously sadistic at their worst (one of the first things they did when they achieved genetic engineering was to alter their females and young males to only feel terror and agony in any sexual situation, because the older more powerful males considered it more fun that way). This attitude carries over to their other race relations, with less powerful races being considered as fair game and more powerful races to be placated enough to let them keep doing terrible things. Even worse, the Affront seem to thrive on the negative attention they get from their neighbours, even changing their name to the Affront from whatever they were called originally. The Culture is put into a difficult position with them as they are too advanced to be readily manipulated and don't pose any threat to the Culture to prompt military action. This doesn't last long.

*The Chelgrians - A civilisation of five-legged cat-like predators. Their society was historically dominated by hereditary castes, with all the social issues that would imply. They're unique in that not only a part of their civilisation sublimed independently of the majority (named the Chelgrian Puen) but they also keep in regular contact with their living descendants, who universally revere them. They are also a rare example of the Culture getting things really wrong with their Special Circumstances interventions, as their attempts to dismantle the caste system from within Chelgrian society led to a devastating civil war that killed 5 billion Chelgrians. The Puen were not happy when the Culture fessed up and contrived to balance the books by destroying a Culture Orbital that contained an equal number of lives. It failed for a variety of reasons and the Culture responded by sending a Terror Weapon (a nanocloud assasin) to murder the conspirators in ways that would make a Eversor blanch.

*The Morthanveld - An equivalent level species to the Culture comprised of water based Spiniforms. Their primary form of communication is shooting subtly altered molecules of water at people (no really). They are on good relations with the Culture but tend to be cagey of them, partly because they know exactly what the Culture are capable of and what Special Circumstances try to do. They are also seen as a responsible civilisation and so are given oversight of one of the Shellworld Mega Structures left behind by an ancient civilisation. They don't reside on ring like Orbitals but instead construct gargantuan rings of overlapping, insecting toroids in a dyson sphere around empty stars. The largest of these "Nestworlds" contains more sentients than the entire Culture combined.

*The Saal - a humanoid species living on one of the middle levels of a Shellworld - think of a planetary form of a Russian Doll, spheres inside spheres inside other spheres. No one knows who built them or why - theories range from a network of shield emitters to protect the galaxy from extragalactic threats or a cage to to enslave everyone instead. Regardless, the original builders aren't around anymore. The Saal attained an early industrial monarchy technologically but were fully aware of there being space bound civilisations beyond their world. Their ancestors were placed on the Shellworld as a form of punishment for unknown crimes. They suffer a rather bad case of regicide, leading their surviving prince to find his sister - who just happens to be a Culture Special Circumstances agent. They're desperate to find anything that will give them an edge technologically which leads to them digging up things best left alone...

* The Sichultean Enablement - another humanoid species. They've only had FTL travel for a short amount of time but are trying to do anything to jump tech levels as fast as they can. Societally they appear to be a capitalist based democracy albeit with some odd cultural practices. The most notable is the process of Entagliation, a form of indentured servitude for a variety of civil infractions like debt or contract breach, and marked by elaborate tattoo's all over their bodies. This wouldn't be too controversial in itself except that it's usually wildly disproportionate to the crime (indefinite servitude and diminished autonomy / civil rights for a finite crime) as well as potentially applying to any children or descendants, culpability be damned. In these cases, the tattoos can be applied on a genetic level in the womb.

* The GFCF - Short for the Geseptian-Fardesile Cultural Federacy. Small fairy like beings with an lesser tech level to the Culture. They are, essentially, an entire race of Culture Fanboys, imitating their favourite civilisation in numerous ways (but not quite getting it right). The Culture itself is rather baffled at the whole thing, despite normally liking other civilisations being more like them. Turns out that they're not as innocent as they'd first appear nor as powerful as they think they are - one Culture ship wipes out an entire armada of their ships in several seconds.

* The Pavulians - a herd species of quadrupeds with two prehensile trunks instead of conventional limbs. Fairly religious and generally deferential to older authority, as befitting their evolutionary history as herd animals. An otherwise unremarkable species save for one incredibly dark secret. They send their citizens to Hell when they die. Okay, it's a virtual hell and what's sent is a mind-state captured at the point of death and then placed in a perfectly accurate simulation of what their people consider Hell to be (often hiring "creative" consultants). As the galactic community at large treats mind-states as being equivalent to the real person they were when they were alive, it's regarded as a despicably unnecessary act by most and as a needed social tool by it's advocates. It isn't helped by the fact that the general public don't know for certain if the hells actually exist, nor by the fact that hosting the data farms necessary to keep all the mind-states and separate hells running smoothly is a very lucrative trade. The Culture publicly disapproves of the Hells and is a covert participant in the entirely simulated wars to contest the issue.

*The Gzilt - a race of minorly reptilian humanoids who were almost one of the founding species of the the Culture but declined at the last minute. Like many other species before them, on reaching a certain level of ennui they decide to sublime, leaving all their tech and territory to other species as a kind of civilisational will. Their culture is organised into clan-like regiments based on periods of compulsory millitary service and an permanent reserve status on leaving active duty. They have one religion based on a holy text that appeared randomly in their pre-history. The book had a variety of technological and social shortcuts built into the religious language as well as listing several prophecies that then happened to all come true. The book's seeming infallibility lead to a certain arrogant civilisational mindset as being seen as the favoured people in the galaxy, despite many other civilisations having similar occurrences or in the case of the Sublimed and Minds, being actual godlike beings. There's just one problem. The Book was a social experiment by a rogue alien scientist into manipulating the development of young races which worked just a little too well. As this revelation is the kind of thing that could cause enormous civil wars, not to mention botching the impending subliming, the remains of the Gzilt millitary attempt to destroy the secret before they ascend.

[[category: Literature]]

The Culture

2017-08-02T18:19:55Z

2A02:C7D:CA0:8500:B95D:9E15:50E:A4F7: /* Other civilizations */

[[File:Gsv.jpg|400px|thumb|right|It's more fun in the Culture]]
''"You might call them soft, because they’re very reluctant to kill, and they might agree with you, but they’re soft the way the ocean is soft, and, well; ask any sea captain how harmless and puny the ocean can be."''
— Cheradenine Zakalwe, ''Use of Weapons''

'''The Culture''' is a series of Scifi novels by Scottish writer Iain M. Banks, about a spacefaring utopian society called 'The Culture'. The stories focus mainly on space politics, ethical dilemmas, black humor, sexuality, and despair.

However, it's relevance on /tg/ stems mainly from the fact that the universe in general is so ridiculously fucking powerful and can utterly and completely assrape nearly anything put against it.

==Overview==
The Culture is a galactic civilization which serves as the main setting for many Iain M Banks novels and short stories, the first novel in the series being ''Consider Phlebas''.

It is basically what would have happened if the humans from the [[Dark Age of Technology|Golden Age of Technology]] did not have a small problem with genocidal [[Men of Iron]]. More cynically, it is what would happen if the government of ''Brave New World'' was a galactic superpower: making sure everyone wants for nothing, but desperate for something to fill the emptiness. Well, they are a bit less extreme than that; eugenism is ''definitely not'' something the Culture would agree with, but that's the general idea.

The Culture is set in our own timeline, the stories taking place between 1300 AD and 2100 AD, Earth being contacted roughly around 2100 AD. It is the product of six or seven pan-human civilizations that decided to merge together 10,000 years ago and create what is basically a space utopia. The Culture is a post-scarcity society, where basically everything is available for free, time being the only resource to take into account. It does not have a centralized government, as it is more a society that an real state or nation. Very few written laws exist (and if you feel the need to ask what are these written laws, then ''there is clearly something wrong with you'') and people are basically allowed to do pretty much whatever they want. Now, in the novels, we do not have many details about how the Culture actually works, but, in Banks' words, it's "an ethical and cynical anarchy that tries to be a ''rather good society'', following socialist, libertarian and anarchist principles.

Well, apparently that works. The Culture is around since ten millennia, and is now considered to be one of the most powerful civilizations of the galaxy. And they aren't, contrary to many [[Tau|utopias]], hiding anything. The Culture is a ''genuine'' utopia and a very good place to live, which is actually quite rare in sci-fi in general, and modern sci-fi in particular.

Now, where is the trick?

Well, you do not attain such a level of power in the galaxy while being space hippies all the time. There is a faction/intelligence service/conspiration in the Culture called ''Contact'', which is dedicated to, well, establish contact with other civilizations. The books focus on the interaction between the Culture and said civilizations, mainly through the eyes of people that belong to ''Special Circumstances'', which is basically the Culture's CIA, mostly trying to... well, influence other civilizations to make sure they will, one day or an other, end up joining the Culture willingly. Said interactions may imply technological transfers, propaganda, up to ''starting revolutions and civil wars''. Space hippies inside, sure, but imperialist outside. The Culture is like a sponge that slowly absorbs other civilizations over the course of millennia.

Oh, and did I mention they are ''quite advanced''? And when I mean advanced, I really mean it. The Culture is ruled... ahem, benevolently oversaw by ''Minds'', that is to say extremely powerful AIs (so powerful that they dedicate only a fraction of their power to such trivial matters and spend the rest bulding virtual worlds with 12 dimensions), and in general AIs are considered as citizens of the Culture, from the biggest sentient ships (because yes, all of their ships are sentient, why did you even ask?) to the smallest drones. Aside from being sentient, their ships have hulls made of force fields, because metal is for pussies anyway, can reach 230,000 times the speed of light and the biggest ones measure in hundreds of kilometers and can carry entire ecosystems, with billions of people on board. Oh and the Culture does not live on planets, because that's absolutely ''inelegant'', so they use Orbitals, that are basically Halo-style ringworlds scattered across the galaxy. Did I mention that the average Culturnik may live for 400 years, and technically reach immortality even if it is not considered as fun, and thus not really popular? ''And in one novel, a ship save the life of a beheaded man by simply teleporting the severed head back and creating a new body from scratch''.

Last but not least, the Culture are ''peaceful'' and not ''pacifist''. Which means that, contrary to [[Ork|certain]] [[Imperium of Man|people]], they won't invade you without a reason, but if you fuck with the Culture, they ''can'' and most certainly ''will'' obliterate you. The base weapon of their military ships is "gridfire", which basically amounts to [[Awesome|''using the fabric of space and time as a weapon'']] (That actually says a lot about Banks' universe, considering that the Culture is not, although in the top ten, most advanced race in the setting). The first novel, ''Consider Phlebas'' features a galactic war between the Culture and an other race called the Idirans, and after a few years of being crushed, the Culture who finally started mobilizing simply steamrolls and utterly annihilate its foe. After this, the Culture started designing actual dedicated warships, going so far as to give them obviously threatening class designations like Torturer, Thug, and Murderer. Their most powerful warship, the Abominator, is so overpowered in the current setting that it was capable of wiping out millions (not an exageration) of enemy vessels unaided, and actually did so far slower than it needed to because it was enjoying itself too much to finish the engagement quickly. Other races find it odd that a race like the Culture turned out to be so martially capable. The wiser Involved civilisations note that whilst most races start off more aggressive and learn to tone down, the peaceful Culture had to do the opposite. So while hippies they may be, there is one axiom that you should not forget "Don't Fuck with the Culture".

== Why the hell is that interesting? ==
Because it's a rather original take on the human galactic society theme; the socialist/libertarian/anarchist utopia. Banks called the Culture a ''rather good'' society, and it's exactly what it is; a civilization that tries to be as good and benevolent as it can, both inside and outside of its (very loose) borders. It may actually be the only utopia in recent sci-fi. And it's a realistic utopia, to a certain extent; the consequences of its imperialism are sometimes quite grimdark (In fact, Banks' fiction overall, is quite grimdark, but never goes into grimderp. Some might say it's not grimdark but simply realism), and the fact that most of the stories starring the Culture take place on its borders or in other civilizations bring different point of view about this society that is, ultimately, the main character of Banks' sci-fi, a character that manages to be both extremely reasonable and sometimes ''batshit insane'' while remaining realistic and believable.

== Good reasons to live in the Culture ==
*Any form of work is now a hobby.
*You live for at least 400 years, but immortality is absolutely a thing.
*You can change sex at will (takes a few months, though).
*Every Culturnik has a gland that can synthesize any drug, without side effects or addiction of course. That also includes a very deep control over your body.
*Your ships have awesome names. Seriously. ''Mistake Not My Current State Of Joshing Gentle Peevishness For The Awesome And Terrible Majesty Of The Towering Seas Of Ire That Are Themselves The Milquetoast Shallows Fringing My Vast Oceans Of Wrath'' is one of them. Well, also a hell of a lot of them are puns, plays on words or running jokes. For example, ''Frank Exchange of Views'' is a fast warship, while one of them most powerful referenced is called ''Falling Outside The Normal Moral Constraint''. See [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_spacecraft_in_the_Culture_series this list for more comedy.]
*You can do pretty much whatever you want.
*No, really.
*Of course, if you want your own planet, it'll take a while, but why not?
*You can live in simulations so complex their simulations have simulations.
*War is but history. Except when galactic wars break out. Even then...
*Even then your chances of ''actually dying'' are quite low, given the number of medical, back-up and consciousness-transferring systems the Culture has.
*Name a landscape or a place you would like to live in. One Orbital somewhere has it.
*With a bit of luck, the drone that accompanies you is not crazy.
*Name a game or a sport. It is played somewhere in the Culture. You could even become a professional Player Of Games.
*Want some action, travels and overly complicated plots? The nearest Contact recruitment office is here for you.
*Travel wherever you want.
*You live in a space utopia instead of [[Imperium of Man|this]] and you still complain?

== Why it might sometimes not be that good ==
*The Mind of your Orbital/Ship knows everything about you. Not that it cares, mind you. But still.
*Minds and Drones will always be benevolent for you. Which doesn't mean they can't troll you with style.
*Everyone can change sex at will, and it's actually a common custom for heterosexual couples to switch genders both, each parent bearing the child of the other. Thus, expect extremely complicated family and relationship issues.
*Things get boring after a while. So much that you could want to join Special Circumstances...
*Which, apart from the fact that they do not recruit people like this, is not always a good idea. You will probably end up in a situation where the Culture's plan is so complicated it would make [[Tzeentch]] jealous.
*Other races laugh at you because your ships' names lack gravitas. ''Which has become a running gag among Minds, that will try to name as many ships as they can with the word "gravitas" in the name''.
*You live in a place where there are weapons that can kill you while still making you believe you are alive. And one of the military Minds is called ''Meatfucker'' by the others, how do you think it took that nickname? (It read organic beings' minds, something that's considered deviant and taboo even among the hyper libertine Culture)
*Your personal drone is definitely crazy.
== Other civilizations ==

*The Idiran Empire - a race of tripod like reptiles that evolved on a deathworld, forcing the Idiran race to evolve into a tall, armour-plated, biologically immortal warrior race. Their religion is an odd form of racial solipsism ; only beings with souls are considered sentient, souls can only exist in an immortal body, therefore only Idirans deserve to exist. The Culture, with it's (unarguably) actually sentient Mind's and Drones, are seen as the exemplars of heresy, hence why the Idirans declared a Jihad war against them. Despite being roughly equal to the Culture technologically and having superior allies, they ultimately end up losing the war (prompting the other galactic civs to coin the term "don't fuck with the Culture") and tone down their xenophobic tendencies over the following centuries, ironically becoming more Culture like in the process.

*The Sublimed - technically not a race but are encountered by virtually every spacefaring society. The Sublimed are the end stage of almost every civilisation, representing ascension into an energy based being residing in an adjacent dimension. The technology to do so isn't actually that complicated but only a Mind level AI or sizeable planetary community can Sublime and still maintain any meaningful presence. They're effectively capable of doing anything they want but don't tend to interact with the material universe, save for seemingly random and inscrutable actions (like flinging moons at the planets of civilisations that hunt the local variety of space whale or keeping people away from memorial planets of dead civilisations with weaponized barriers of spacetime). Many civilisations have tried to enter the Sublime without subliming first. Almost all attempts result in failure and the tiny number that enter and come back aren't mentally capable of describing what it's like. The Culture is considered unusual because it's had the ability to sublime for millenia but hasn't - the Sublimed themselves consider them the equivalent of a party guest that stays a bit too long. The Culture, conversely, finds it a bit too convenient that most civilisations sublime everyone at once, implying coercion of some kind. Even when a Subliming goes well, the local galactic community have to make sure that less advanced civilisations don't make a rush for the abandoned remains of the civilisation and disrupting the local order.

*The Empire of Azad - an autocratic monarchy of humanoids based in an isolated part of the galaxy. They have made contact with other galactic civilisations but all have been technologically inferior - the Culture is the only civilisation they have encountered that are more advanced, to a ludicrous degree. Their main shtick is having three sexes (males as workers and soldiers, females as trinkets and breeders, and an "apex" sex that controls everything). The other more important feature is the game of Azad. A ludicrously complicated board-game played on football pitch sized boards, it plays like a real life version of Civilisation writ large (the specifics are left deliberately vague). The complexity of game simulates the skills needed to rule the empire, so the winner of the regular tournament becomes the Emperor. Male and Female Azadians are allowed to play, but are never allowed to get very far due to the apex sex being the only ones allowed to hold offices and having access to specialised schools and learning drugs. The Culture encounters them during a period of aggressive expansion, which isn't a positive thing as Banks intended them to be a dark reflection of parts of our own civilisations. The Culture sends a professional game-player to participate in the tournament (in an unoffical capacity), effectively acting as a proxy war between the Empire and the Culture.

*The Affront - a race of gas dwelling octopus like beings that can be best described as a cross between a jolly British colonial aristocrat and your average dark eldar. At best, they are considered to be boisterously good natured (if they become your friend, you're in for life) and monstrously sadistic at their worst (one of the first things they did when they achieved genetic engineering was to alter their females and young males to only feel terror and agony in any sexual situation, because the older more powerful males considered it more fun that way). This attitude carries over to their other race relations, with less powerful races being considered as fair game and more powerful races to be placated enough to let them keep doing terrible things. Even worse, the Affront seem to thrive on the negative attention they get from their neighbours, even changing their name to the Affront from whatever they were called originally. The Culture is put into a difficult position with them as they are too advanced to be readily manipulated and don't pose any threat to the Culture to prompt military action. This doesn't last long.

*The Chelgrians - A civilisation of five-legged cat-like predators. Their society was historically dominated by hereditary castes, with all the social issues that would imply. They're unique in that not only a part of their civilisation sublimed independently of the majority (named the Chelgrian Puen) but they also keep in regular contact with their living descendants, who universally revere them. They are also a rare example of the Culture getting things really wrong with their Special Circumstances interventions, as their attempts to dismantle the caste system from within Chelgrian society led to a devastating civil war that killed 5 billion Chelgrians. The Puen were not happy when the Culture fessed up and contrived to balance the books by destroying a Culture Orbital that contained an equal number of lives. It failed for a variety of reasons and the Culture responded by sending a Terror Weapon (a nanocloud assasin) to murder the conspirators in ways that would make a Eversor blanch.

*The Morthanveld - An equivalent level species to the Culture comprised of water based Spiniforms. Their primary form of communication is shooting subtly altered molecules of water at people (no really). They are on good relations with the Culture but tend to be cagey of them, partly because they know exactly what the Culture are capable of and what Special Circumstances try to do. They are also seen as a responsible civilisation and so are given oversight of one of the Shellworld Mega Structures left behind by an ancient civilisation. They don't reside on ring like Orbitals but instead construct gargantuan rings of overlapping, insecting toroids in a dyson sphere around empty stars. The largest of these "Nestworlds" contains more sentients than the entire Culture combined.

*The Saal - a humanoid species living on one of the middle levels of a Shellworld - think of a planetary form of a Russian Doll, spheres inside spheres inside other spheres. No one knows who built them or why - theories range from a network of shield emitters to protect the galaxy from extragalactic threats or a cage to to enslave everyone instead. Regardless, the original builders aren't around anymore. The Saal attained an early industrial monarchy technologically but were fully aware of there being space bound civilisations beyond their world. Their ancestors were placed on the Shellworld as a form of punishment for unknown crimes. They suffer a rather bad case of regicide, leading their surviving prince to find his sister - who just happens to be a Culture Special Circumstances agent. They're desperate to find anything that will give them an edge technologically which leads to them digging up things best left alone...

* The Sichultean Enablement - another humanoid species. They've only had FTL travel for a short amount of time but are trying to do anything to jump tech levels as fast as they can. Societally they appear to be a capitalist based democracy albeit with some odd cultural practices. The most notable is the process of Entagliation, a form of indentured servitude for a variety of civil infractions like debt or contract breach, and marked by elaborate tattoo's all over their bodies. This wouldn't be too controversial in itself except that it's usually wildly disproportionate to the crime (indefinite servitude and diminished autonomy / civil rights for a finite crime) as well as potentially applying to any children or descendants, culpability be damned. In these cases, the tattoos can be applied on a genetic level in the womb.

* The GFCF - Short for the Geseptian-Fardesile Cultural Federacy. Small fairy like beings with an lesser tech level to the Culture. They are, essentially, an entire race of Culture Fanboys, imitating their favourite civilisation in numerous ways (but not quite getting it right). The Culture itself is rather baffled at the whole thing, despite normally liking other civilisations being more like them. Turns out that they're not as innocent as they'd first appear nor as powerful as they think they are - one Culture ship wipes out an entire armada of their ships in several seconds.

* The Pavulians - a herd species of quadrupeds with two prehensile trunks instead of conventional limbs. Fairly religious and generally deferential to older authority, as befitting their evolutionary history as herd animals. An otherwise unremarkable species save for one incredibly dark secret. They send their citizens to Hell when they die. Okay, it's a virtual hell and what's sent is a mind-state captured at the point of death and then placed in a perfectly accurate simulation of what their people consider Hell to be (often hiring "creative" consultants). As the galactic community at large treats mind-states as being equivalent to the real person they were when they were alive, it's regarded as a despicably unnecessary act by most and as a needed social tool by it's advocates. It isn't helped by the fact that the general public don't know for certain if the hells actually exist, nor by the fact that hosting the data farms necessary to keep all the mind-states and separate hells running smoothly is a very lucrative trade. The Culture publicly disapproves of the Hells and is a covert participant in the entirely simulated wars to contest the issue.

The Gzilt - a race of minorly reptilian humanoids who were almost one of the founding species of the the Culture but declined at the last minute. Like many other species before them, on reaching a certain level of ennui they decide to sublime, leaving all their tech and territory to other species as a kind of civilisational will. Their culture is organised into clan-like regiments based on periods of compulsory millitary service and an permanent reserve status on leaving active duty. They have one religion based on a holy text that appeared randomly in their pre-history. The book had a variety of technological and social shortcuts built into the religious language as well as listing several prophecies that then happened to all come true. The book's seeming infallibility lead to a certain arrogant civilisational mindset as being seen as the favoured people in the galaxy, despite many other civilisations having similar occurrences or in the case of the Sublimed and Minds, being actual godlike beings. There's just one problem. The Book was a social experiment by a rogue alien scientist into manipulating the development of young races which worked just a little too well. As this revelation is the kind of thing that could cause enormous civil wars, not to mention botching the impending subliming, the remains of the Gzilt millitary attempt to destroy the secret before they ascend.

[[category: Literature]]

If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device

2017-08-02T17:50:05Z

2A02:C7D:CA0:8500:B95D:9E15:50E:A4F7: /* The Dark Angels */

{{Awesome}}
{{Spoilers}}
[[File:If-the-emperor.png|500px|right|thumb|Prepare yourself for pure undiluted WIN!]]
'''The Lord:''' 
''"You've nothing more to say to me? You come but to complain unendingly? Is never aught right to your mind?"'' 
'''Mephistopheles:''' 
''"No, Lord! All is still downright bad, I find."'' 
- Goethe's Faust, Prologue in Heaven.

A Youtube series created by Bruva Alfabusa, the show follows the exploits of Emprah himself in his quest to bring the Imperium of Man to its former glory, helped by the captain of the Custodes "Little Kitten", Magnus (now forgiven and with soul) and a hilarious cast of other major 40k characters. The series has become a complete success, mostly by poking fun at many of the memes, traditions, and quirks of the 40k universe and the fandom, but also by some very awesome scenes, and, of course, great music. This shit has become so popular that it has its own fanfiction, and there's even a few quotes from the show scattered through the affected characters' pages here. Seriously. (Does that make them a fanfic... within a fanfic?)

Most fans agree that, while a wild and very unserious take on the 40k universe, the plot itself isn't actually that outlandish (apart from the [[Ultramarines]] capturing [[Magnus the Red]]...). If the Emps would wake up, it's pretty much a given that he would remove the worst parts of the Inquisition in short order, as well as enacting extensive reforms throughout the rest of the Imperial bureaucracy, while probably being an ass, as he always was. The unsure part is if the Emps would have learned from his 10,000 years of mistakes, which the series believes he has, deep inside. Doesn't help his [[Rage|temper]] though.

The series began back during the unending plot stagnation that has happened since third edition, though now that the plot's actually begun to move forward for a change, it is unknown how this will effect the series.

The so-called "TTS-verse" also includes Karl the Deranged's series [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5enLrHSMuIs Chaos Descends], and Eliphas the Inheritor's [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1cXYan0NQA Behemoth] trilogy. "Specials" are slated for story content that takes place outside the throne room.

==Dramatis Personae==
Starting off with a few characters, the series has evolved to encompass a fuckton of major and minor characters, with their own small arcs and all. It's not quite [[Order of the Stick|OotS]] level, but it's getting there.

===Team Emperor===
[[Image:Pleased Emprah.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Emperor of Mankind]]''': The Emprah, who's now able to verbally communicate with people after Techpriests installed a text-to-speech device on his throne. You know how Rouboute Guilliman is a 'jerk with a heart of gold'? Well the Emperor is a massive frothing plasteel dickbag with tourettes and a heart of gold/platinum alloy studded with diamonds. Is currently planning to rebuild the Imperium after hearing the clusterfuck of stories from his Captain-General caretaker. He also has a pet [[Centurion Squad|Centurion]] (who turns out to be rather important on a primarch scale), which he finds adorable, while finding [[Dreadknight]]s abominable. He is a jerk, frequently insulting the Captain General with little reason other than he can (and because it's funny), and dialogue with Magnus implies he's always been a prick. Nonetheless he is ultimately a sympathetic character who wanted to create a better future for humanity and the comedic outrage he displays at all the bad news he gets is justified given how he frequently hears about costly victories that could have been avoided if the men in charge were less incompetent and how the Imperium has been destroying itself (usually because of the Inquisition). The Emperor has a new plan for defeating Chaos after the "starve them out by getting rid of religion" plan didn't work, but like before, he refuses to tell anyone what that plan is (although this time around, it's apparently not because he doesn't trust anyone, but because he doesn't want to spoil the surprise).
[[Image:Sad Kitten.jpg|thumb|right]]
*''' Custodes Captain-General (aka Kitten)''': Captain-General of the [[Adeptus Custodes]] and the only Custode who appears to have retained his sanity after the near-death of the Emperor, and for that matter one of the few sane humans in the Imperium. He serves as both the Emperor's personal caretaker and assistant, and pretty much the only person he regularly talks to and his main link to the outside world. Generally the only person the Emperor trusts and treats like a son, albeit constantly berating him whenever he does something stupid, or because he just feels like it. He also seriously hates [[Tau]]. One episode implies that it is because [[Shadowsun]] spurned him for the Greater Go'''OHISWEARTOFUCK THAT WAS ''NOT'' CANON!''' He is named ''Little Kitten'' by his fellow Custodes, for "purring his way so far into their ranks", but his real name is a long seemingly nonsensical word salad supposedly based on his accomplishments... But given how he's been stuck in the palace for the last ten thousand years said accomplishments include things like "Goldilocks-Sunshine-Graham-Corncob". His frequent emotional outbursts despite the supposed emotionless state of the Custodes is intentional, and played for humor. After being forced out of the position of caretaker by his fellow Custodes, Kitten fell into a depression, to which Magnus ominously is taking advantage of by making Kitten his ally in making the Imperium great again and totally not get back at the old man. So far all he has done was kill a bunch of Lacrymoles that were impersonating the High Lords of Terra. It has been revealed that his uncanny knowledge of the outside world (considering the hate of knowledge in the Imperium in general) could come from the Black Library itself. Has become a master of [[Yu-Gi-Oh|Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker]], defeating not only the Emperor (because of his refusal to unplug Guilliman) and TZEENTCH (the literal god of Just as Planned) of all things. He has recently been turned silver by Tzeentch while playing a children's card game (Again) and winning over Magnus the Reds soul. In episode 25, the couple arrived on Nocturne and went to 'borrow' the ENGINE OF WOES. Magnus decides to go all assasin's creed and sneak into the base instead of using his OP invisibility though Kitten then decides to go yell in a North England accent at a guard. The ENGINE OF WOES, a shitty car released the thousands of years trapped Corvas Corvax when Magnus attempted to Kill Vulkan for hugging him (THE BOX DOES NOT JUDGE. IT JUST HATES.) With Vulkan who was skulking in the shadows by the ENGINE OF WOES for equally as long is revealed and killed by Magnus, the entire chapter of the Salamanders pops up and is super NOT FRIENDS with Magnus and Corvax isn't happy too as he was released from his super dark hole that forces Magnus to teleport him and kitten away! BTW Vulkan didn't die but was knocked out and wants to SUPER HUG Magnus. The chase is on!

*'''[[Magnus the Red]]''': The closest thing to a sane person besides the Captain-General (who plays the straight man depending on the situation). Retrieved from wherever within the Warp by the sheer plot-armor-powered efforts of [[Cato Sicarius]] and then brought to the Golden Throne, followed by the Emperor bullying [[Tzeentch]] in order to steal back Magnus' soul. Touched, he somehow managed to forgive the Emperor (sort of) and decided to help the Emps with his plan to fix the Imperium, but Emps being a jerk to him is starting to test his patience. The shiny new bike he was given helped with their reconciliation, though just how well his apparent heel-face turn has actually stuck is up for debate at best. The first thing he did with the bike was run over a bunch of kids on the street, possible foreshadowing? He may not be actively working for Chaos anymore, but he also quickly runs out of patience with his father and is attempting to fix the Imperium without his help, partly because he has serious doubts about his current sanity (which is kind of justified), and partly just to spite him. Magnus turns into a [[neckbeard]]ed daemon cyclops [http://wh40k.lexicanum.com/mediawiki/images/9/9a/MagnusEpic.jpg that is a bit reminiscent of his old model back in] [[Epic]], whenever he enters [[rage]] mode - usually prompted by any mention of [[furries|Space Wolves]], causing him to flashback to the Burning of [[Prospero]]. Is currently undertaking some obscure scheme with the unvitting aid of the Captain-General Kitten including attempted assassination of the [[High Lords of Terra]] and "borrowing" the Engine of Woes from Nocturne. While playing with an ouija board on board a ship with Kitten, Tzeentch arrives "reclaim" custody of him from his "abusive" father, and morphs him back into his Daemon Prince form. It took Kitten playing a child's card game (again) with Tzeentch to keep Magnus out of his clutches. On the other hand, Magnus is stuck in his Daemon Prince form while Kitten theoretically owns his soul (much to his embarrassment and dismay).

*'''[[Rogal Dorn]]:''' Primarch of the [[Imperial Fists]]. Is revealed as the Emperor's personal Centurion, with whom he had nightly cuddling sessions prior to his reveal. He came out of hiding after Kitten brought up the topic of discussing the [[Space Wolves]], where he vehemently suggested not to discuss the Wolves to prevent Magnus from spazzing out. His extreme bluntness is shown to be less because he is an asshole and more because he is extremely oblivious and literal-minded and his stubborness ,ingrained also in his legion, grants him such a closed-minded view and understanding of social situations that he almost all times fail to read sub-texts or commonly understood jokes/ inuendos . Yet in episode 24 its greatly implied he is fully aware of everything going on including the Emperor's plans, implying he has some form of "super sanity". Or maybe it's due to using a fucking chainsword to scratch his head. Before his disappearance he used to consult his "magic pain glove" until his hand fell off. Despite his eccentricities and his inability to understand sarcasm, he can still make surprisingly lucid observations such as that the End Times are coming and that not even the Chaos Gods will survive the inevitable heat death of the entire Universe. He even manages to, perhaps unwittingly, deliver one of the sickest burns yet on the Emperor, leaving him speechless (Linked here: [https://youtu.be/ihskUz0obzY?t=390]). Actually, nearly every line he spouts is full of unintentional hilarity. Is fully capable of "The Laughter".

===Imperials (So sorta good guys)===
[[Image:Pillar-Stodes.png|thumb|right|From right to left: Wamuudes, Custodisi and Karstodes.]]
*'''The Pillar-stodes (Wamuudes, Custodisi, Karstodes)''': Some of the Emperor's personal companions from the Great Crusade days. After his interment into the Golden Throne, the rest of the Custodes have shed their armor as a sign of mourning. This, however, has also caused them to become fabulous hedonists (although somehow not to a Slaaneshi-tier extreme, they actually despise slaaneshi daemons the most, much to the Emperor's confusion), which greatly disturbs the Emperor. They also have no respect for their Captain General and don't even seem to remember that he's their superior, actually [[Just As Planned|taking away his job as the emperor's caretaker by doing something for him]]. They constantly slip innuendos into their conversations, much to the discomfort of everyone involved. Except for Rogal; he's too literal-minded to notice. A running gag with them is that whenever the Pillarstodes come into a scene, they would dynamically jump in from nowhere with their own [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUhVCoTsBaM personal theme song]. The three Pillarstodes appearance is based on the Pillar Men from [[JoJo's Bizarre Adventure]]: Battle Tendency; a group of fabulously well-built, half-naked Aztec vampire demigods seeking immortality. (they also make obscure jojo references at times). They do have discernible personalities; the one who makes all the innuendo, the one obsessed with greasing his body parts, and the one who isn't the other two. Two wind up encountering Cegorach in front of the Black Library. They manage to gain entrance and retrieve a surpising amount of literature on the White Scars, but are traumatized by the Laughing God & are mentally exhausted from sifting through so much knowledge. Apparently, Cegorach was quite scary, as they are terrified after hearing his "[BAZINGA]" cue.
*'''Diavodes''': Another crazy Jojo-Custodes (this one is based on Diavolo from part 5), he appeared out of the blue and asked Kitten and Magnus if they knew who he was, and was content to hear that they didn't. Once alone, he started to laugh maniacally, declaring that soon the new Emperor would be him, Diavodes! Also [[Alpha Legion|may or may not]] be [[Alpharius|a familiar face]] in disguise.
[[Image:High Lords Text.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''The [[High Lords of Terra]]''': The people responsible for running the Imperium itself. Despite this the majority of the High Lords never really discuss or do anything to the betterment of the Imperium and just act senile, once planning to outlaw breathing for everyone but them. For this reason Magnus wants them all dead and handle governing the Imperium directly, but Kitten may have succeeded in convincing them not to fuck over the Imperium so much. Apparently they High Lords are commonly recruited from the Old Folks' planet, a retirement home so terrible that the High Lords have banned ever saying its name. There are currently 5 (technically 7 if you count the Head Scribe and Fyoder) High Lords featured, aside from the Captain-General.¨ The High Lords are currently enjoying their time off/wallowing in misery thanks to the fact that the Emperor has pretty much made them obsolete, especially after he made making new laws illegal.
[[Image:High Lords 2.jpg|thumb|right]]
:*'''[[Ecclesiarchy|Ecclesiarch]] Decius XXIII''': The only non-senile High Lord aside from the Captain General, who legitimately takes his post seriously, even standing up to Fyodor and forbidding him to shed a single drop of blood from Terra's population (which Fyodor circumvented by using incendiary weaponry). For not screwing up the Emperor's plan, not being an overzealous bag of insanity, and rushing to try to save the Emperor when Fyodor stormed Terra's Palace he is allowed to stay leader of the Ecclesiarchy, even as the Emps is disbanding it/just changing every mention of '''God'''-Emperor to '''Man'''-Emperor, due to the fact that he and those who obeyed Emprah now are in charge of reforming the Imperium from the craphole it has sink in. [[Space Marines|Loyalty to the man rather than the word]] finally paid off. Just about everyone mocks him for his hat, which gets limp or...stiff depending on his emotional state, leading to his nickname of Pope Shafthat XXIII [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pq-6aj9sNvo He proved that despite the crap others give him, he can make some pretty rousing speeches on the fly].
:*'''Fabricator-General of Mars''': The head of the Adeptus Mechanicus. Is so old that his voice stutters every time he speaks like a broken version of Stephen Hawking in addition to always speaking in little tunes. Constantly does nothing but insult his fellow High Lords for being made of flesh and recommend they swap out their fleshy bits for mechanical augmentations. According to other Magos, the Fabricator-General is also a massive junkie and party animal, and is currently drunk on margaritas on Mars.
:*'''Grand Provost Marshal''': Head of the Adeptus Arbites, who does nothing but propose to make everything illegal. [[Judge Dredd|HE IS THE LAW]]... at least until The Emperor declares the act of making new laws to be illegal, something which utterly devastates him.
:*'''Master of the Administratum''': The head of the Imperial bureaucracy. A bit less inept than the rest of the high lords, he acts like your everyday senile grandfather.
:*'''Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard''': The leader of the Imperial Guard. Doesn't do much, apart from comparing war to the good ol' days. Aware enough to know that the removal of minor luxuries (laxatives, breathing) may have detrimental effects on the Imperial Guard. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUrhqCkYwps Lays a sicknasty dilarius biznasty beat.]

===The Ultrasmurfs===
Very obnoxious and accompanied by the Ultramarine Chant from Chaos Gate. They apparently cannot be defeated due to their literal use of the "holy Codex" from their "Spiritual Liege." Managing to do nigh impossible feats. While the Emperor is not amused with them at all, he tolerates their OP plot armor to do impossible tasks for him such as retrieving Magnus from the Eye of Terror (with out their Gellar Field on of all things) with minimal casualties, finding and sneaking the rest of Vulkan's artifacts onto Noctorne, and (currently) outdancing the best Harlequin dancers in the Webway while searching for Jaghatai Khan. Other impossible tasks in the past include using a giant Necron Pylon as a melee weapon and outfighting a Transcendent C'tan shard.
*'''[[Marneus Calgar]]''': Chapter Master of the Ultramarines. He's currently depressed and frustrated at the state of the Ultramarines where they basically win everything (due to their plot armor) as well as their strict adherence to the Codex Astartes to the point that it's no longer fun anymore. Due to this, his mood is eternally grumpy, only made worse by Sicarius' constant gloating. He actually seems to care deeply for the men under his command as he get extremely pissed off when Sicarius put his marines at unnecessary risk to achieve another victory to inflate his reputation. He also appears in a flashback during the second [[Tyranid]] war in Ultramar, where he did battle with the Swarmlord. [https://youtu.be/cB79pnU2f2I?t=5m30s While he put up a valiant fight, he found that they were equally matched, and thus, declared it a draw.] Blatant hints point towards a deal he made with [[Matt Ward|something]] to give his Chapter win more victories (hinted to have begun during the Second Tyrannic War), which he deeply regrets.
*'''[[Illiyan Nastase]]''': Chief Astropath of the Ultramarines. He received a brief mention during Episode 25, when he delivered a message to the Ultramarines Chapter Master, but did not receive any screentime. Marneus Calgar is deeply resentful of Illiyan's existence, and very adamantly insists on pushing him out of the spotlight and removing all mentions of the half-eldar's existence. Because yes, Half-eldar serving the Ultramarines are canon. (Seriously, why does everyone forget Nastase was never a marine to begin with?)
*'''[[Cato Sicarius]]''': Current Captain of the Ultramarines 2nd company. His persona's played as Cato's canon need to be a glory hound and the embodiment of the Ultramarines' plot armor, turned up to eleven, where he only cares for his advancement in the ranks of the Ultramarines and not much else. He apparently undertook the mission to capture Magnus the Red. Alone. Without his gellar field turned on, and his survival at such mission greatly pissed off Calgar to no ends, who was hoping he would die. He is also very verbal about his intention to take the position of Chapter Master, which ''greatly'' upsets Calgar (as Cato's dialogues largely implies that he's better than him and wishes for his death), to the point where he threatens to perform an "Imperial Fisting" upon Sicarius with his Gauntlets if he continues such thoughts. He also has a very egotistical, effeminate voice that can only be described as "the love child of tinnitus and a jackhammer", and he always refers to himself in the third person. [https://youtu.be/bM8YGsAmeqE?t=1m56s It's goddamn hilarious.]
*'''[[Uriel Ventris]]''': Current Captain of the Ultramarines 4th company. He doesn't have a lot of development yet, but appears as a close friend of Calgar and is the only one who's noticed the Ultramarines' theme of somehow always completing utterly suicidal missions. He comes to realize that some unknown force is tampering with space and time to rewrite history,([https://youtu.be/eG82ruvH0jc?t=120 Probably has to do with an ''itsy bitsy little'' '''SHARD''']) covering up the Ultramarines past failures and playing up their successes to impossible levels, and starts to suspect that Calgar knows more about this than he's letting on.
*'''[[Roboute Guilliman]]''': The Emperor has regularly made a point of ordering the Custodes Captain-General to have him taken off life-support. Currently the only reason he's still alive is Kitten winning an epic duel in a [[Yu-Gi-Oh|children's card game]] against the Emperor. The result of his actions and the Codex Astartes horrifies his father. Going by the previous canon of Guilliman perhaps actually regenerating from the wounds that supposedly killed him, the Empra likely wants the time stasis field deactivated so he can finally get off his fucking ass. Though if we're going by official canon, it seems that the Emprah's intervention is no longer necessary.

===The Salamanders===
A bunch of pyromaniacs in Cataphractii Terminator armor, they are infamous for their obsession with fire and appear to be severely deaf; talking in very loud voices, not hearing the Ultramarines sneak the artifacts past them while their infamous theme song was blaring, and later not hearing a trapped Corax called out for help.
*'''[[Vulkan]]:''' Primarch of the [[Salamanders]]. After the Ultramarines found the remaining artifacts of Vulkan in secret for the Salamanders, Vulkan returned to the chapter, where his return was greeted with great adulation (VUVUZELAS). He is notably quite crazy, both haunted by the not-ghost with a not-face of Ferrus Manus and forgetting where he even currently is; he technically returned 9000 years ago but just occupied his time with hobbies alone since then. He speaks with a distinct African/Jamaican accent and loves friendship. Died during his battle with the Beast, after pushing it into a reactor of WAAAGH energy, causing him to occasionally gain an Ork's speech patterns and violent vocabulary afterward (which is hilarious when juxtaposed with his normally friendly speech). Dies again after Magnus unintentionally telepathically crushed him under The Engine of Woes, the trunk of which Vulkan had locked Corvus Corax in, then promptly got better within mere minutes. Has used the [[Grimdark|darkest corner of the universe]] as a place to relax for over 9000 years and work on Gamesworkshop on his hobby Battlemace 42,000,000. He is currently traveling with Corax & the Salamanders across the Imperium before returning to Terra to finish giving the spine crushing hugs he wants to give to Magnus. Naturally, Magnus is horrified at his hugs given the trauma from Leman Russ snapping his back.
*'''[[Vulkan He'stan|He'stan]]''': Forgefather of the Salamanders. He is seen sleeping on an anvil on fire when Cato Sicarius delivered the remaining artifacts to the Salamanders, literally driving them through the wall of the fortress into the Forgefather's personal chambers. Thinking he found the artifacts in his sleep, he subsequently declares himself to be best forgefather (and doesn't know that Vulkan was actually hiding for 9000 years in a very dark corner on the same planet).
*'''[[Tu'Shan]]''': Chapter Master of the Salamanders. Rocks a sweet set of dragon armor and has a very knightly manner of speech.

===The Raven Guard===
*'''[[Corvus Corax]]''': Primarch of the Raven Guard. Apparently spent the past few millenia on [[Nocturne]], trapped in a 2nd millenium car referred to as the "Engine of Woes" while writing edgy poetry. Is accidentally freed by Magnus when he uses the Engine of Woes to fight off Vulkan. Currently accompanying the Salamanders on a trip to the Imperial Palace. His personality is, hilariously, one of an edgy teenage goth, with his self-hate and moodiness turned up to eleven. Wants to show the Emprah his edgy poetry. Magnus and Kitten freak out when he appears. Looks surprisingly like John Wick, or Samurai Jack during Season 5.

===The Dark Angels===

The Inner Circle are a ragingly paranoid group of neurotic basketcases, far more so than in canon. Keep having to "repent" non-circle marines for overhearing them discussing the Fallen very loudly.

*'''[[Azrael]]:''' Chapter Master of the [[Dark Angels]]. He's depicted as an overly paranoid wreck, obsessing about [[Cypher]], the [[Fallen Angels]] and constantly telling any non-inner circle member that reports to them that they're doing nothing suspicious and heretical. The fact that he had two newly indoctrinated inner circle members killed because they stumbled onto knowledge of the fallen (that he spat out in front of them) is played for laughs.
*'''[[Belial]]:''' Grand Master of the Deathwing. His emo personality is hilariously turned to eleven whenever he perceives himself or his chapter as not being perfect, which is every waking second. This curiously allows him to become more reasonable than the rest of the Inner Circle, allowing him to converse with other people that doesn't outright accuse or threaten them. He has an effeminate yet whiny voice similar to Thurston Howell III.
*'''[[Asmodai]]:''' The Dark Angels' Master of Repentance (which basically means "Violent Murdering" to him). Not nearly as a fun police officer as his canon counterpart; his personality is psychotically intense, often telling people to redeem themselves or he'll do the actual redemption. However, given his views on "redemption", it usually doesn't end well (it tends to involve a crozius to the face). He's also as every bit as paranoid as Azrael. [https://youtu.be/M56aycpd9kA?t=19m55s REPENT, MOTHERFUCKER.]
*'''[[Watchers in the Dark|Watcher in the Dark]] (aka Snurko):''' A Watcher that accompanies Azrael, who is apparently the only one of its kind who can talk. It suddenly spoke of Cypher while in the presence of two newly indoctrinated inner-circle Angels, [https://youtu.be/M56aycpd9kA?t=17m48s prompting Azrael to hilariously beat the shit out of it.] His speech and mannerisms appears to be based off Orko from the He-man series.

===The White Scars===
*'''[[Jaghatai Khan]]''': Primarch of the White Scars. During the Horus Humbug, he managed to pull off the amazing feat of standing still for more than 20 seconds (while standing on a Razorback going at 200 miles per hour, but still). After the Codex announcement, he may be in [[Commorragh]], as he desired to [[meme|go fast]] and beat them in their jetbike races. Not much is known about his whereabouts right now, but it does mean that we will get to see him. Also the emperor has stolen at least one of his bikes from his room.

===The Black Templars===
According to Rogal Dorn, absolute lunatics, obsessed with "PURGING WITH MY KIIIIIIIIIIIIIN"...
They enjoy listening to Linkin Loyalists in their drop pods and ramming swords through xenos skulls. Actually not that far off canon.
*'''Chaplain [[Grimaldus]]:''' Shows up in a filler short where he tries to ban the holiday of Sanguinala. The other Black Templars tell him he can't, prompting him to go to his bed and throw a loyalist tantrum.

===The Space Corgis===

Renamed by official decree by the Emperor himself after being informed of how everything in their vernacular seemed to have been prefaced by the word "wolf".

*'''[[Leman Russ]]''': Primarch of the Space Corgis. Has been hiding in the Warp. Has a verbal staredown with Karamazov, then proceeds to relentlessly mock him while obsessing over wolves. He also gives a thorough dressing-down of the 3 branches of the Inquisition, as well as the Deathwatch, Tempestus Scions and Sisters of Battle accompanying them (delivering the infamous line "Daemons of Khorne are gonna eat ya out like ice cream sandwiches once your Red Rage begins!"). He even has his own version of the [[meme|Navy Seal Copypasta]]. Despite being a viking, he has a pseudo-Scottish accent. Magnus has accused him of being a furry. He is currently teaching the Inquisition how to survive in the Warp by turning them into a drunken mob and killing innocent daemons. This include pranks of various sorts, such as crank calling Daemons, cockblocking a Daemonette at a bar (which actually kills them), and assaulting one of Nurgle's daemons with a fuckload of soap. After learning that Magnus is currently located in the imperial palace he decided to get out of the warp and go back to Terra, and is currently marching to the gate of Khaine, alongside with karamazov and Kaldor Draigo.

*'''Space Wolves [[Wulfen]]''': any mention of the Wulfen is normally echoed with someone shouting "[[Gorkamorka|Digganobz]]" in a demented manner. This is referred within a youtube short: the Grandmaster of the Grey Knights, sir Covan Leorac, was presented an image of the Wulfen and he called them Digganobz. And yes they really do look like Digganobz.

===The Grey Knights===
*'''[[Kaldor Draigo]]''': The Supreme Grand Master of the [[Grey Knights]], who is cursed to wander The Warp for eternity. Centuries wandering unrealspace however, eroded Draigo's sanity, which not might be a bad thing as his craziness allows him to both stay in the warp without any trouble and murder daemons left and right (remember: the warp is a reflection of the minds of mortals and psykers can influence it to a higher degree. Draigo's insanity and powerful psychic talents allows him to shrug off the madness of the warp, simply because he believes without a shadow of a doubt that he can). He's made several appearances, first is annoying Fyodor's attack force after being banished into the warp by Magnus and later summoned by Kitten to handle Magnus' tantrum, which he does so in a split-second offscreen using inexplicable Mary Sue powers to defeat him. He now hangs around with Russ and company, and is the only one besides Russ who can safely traverse the warp sober and troll daemons without his head exploding. Has apparently been sending Daemons (in the form of ordinary villagers, with jobs and families) into the "Super Warp" by throwing vortex grenades at them (given that they're already in The Warp, the grenades would suck them to an even deeper version of The Warp).

*'''Covan Leorac''': A Grand Master of the Grey Knights. He appears in a short video where some Grey Knights report <strike>solid evidence of the [[Wulfen]] among the Space Wolves</strike> FAHCK YOU! DIGGANOBZ. However, Covan is absolutely convinced that they're [[Gorkamorka|Digganobz]] and not Wulfen, even hitting a Knight in the head for disagreeing with. Whether this is a jab at GW heavily basing the look of Wulfen on Digganobs or is in conscious denial to prevent the Grey Knights from waging a costly war upon the Space Wolves (again) is up to interpretation.

===The Imperial Guard (Aka:'Astra Militarum')===
*'''[[Sly Marbo]]''': [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kXU14hkuSI The One-Man Army] and [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCMNWAJiz5Y Hero of the Imperium!], he first appears in the April Fools episode where he was apparently recruited by Horus. Appeared in the real series saving Little Billy and some farmers from the Kabal of the Flayed Skull in the middle of their raid on a random Agri-World. Later showed up at the invitation of Lucius to the Slaaneshmas Special where he begins beating up Typhus, Ahriman, and Lucius. While the scene turns to static, Lucius and Ahriman later show up on screen again. They commented that he was apparently a pretty great guy. Lucius apparently mixed up his contact info with Kharn's at one point. He exclusively communicates by screaming; the scream he uses is the one lifted from the Dawn of War I opening cinematic where the sergeant orders the charge up the hill.
*'''[[Ollanius Pius]]''': Makes a split second appearence at 15.00 on Episode 24 before being headbutted to death by Horus. (''Shame on you if you dont know this super dude, so read his history now!'') In another episode, the Emperor takes the time to set the record straight that while Ollanius did in fact sacrifice himself for the Emperor, a Terminator and Custodes quickly followed suit in order to not be shown up by a mere mortal human. He was not amused by their transparent attempt to outshine Ollanius.

===Sisters of Battle===
*[[Ephrael Stern]]: The infamous Daemonifuge has finally reached the Black Library, but she's none too pleased with the Eldar's selection of food. [[-4_Str|Treads the path of the swole]]. She tells off Cegorach to his face, causing him to sulk off (incidentally allowing Custodisi and Wamuudes to enter the library).

===Adversaries===
*'''[[Abaddon the Despoiler]]''': Has yet to personally appear in the series, but has so far has been contacting various Chaos Champions to enlist their help with the next Black Crusade.
*'''[[Fulgrim]]''': Has yet to personally appear in the series, but appears to have already joined Abaddon in his plans. He makes his appearance as the person who called Lucius to get him to join Abaddon.
[[Image:Fyo-Yo.png|thumb|right]]
*'''Lord [[Inquisitor]] Fyodor Karamazov''': Inquisitor of the [[Ordo Hereticus]] and a colossal jerk even among inquisitors. When the Emperor disbanded the Inquisition, he went ballistic and led an entire crusade to Terra to purge what he thinks is heresy. Ended up in the Warp via Magnus for his troubles, after being trolled in a magnificent manner by being told he is a fragment of the Emperor. This was all [[Just As Planned|the Emperor's plan for sending out the message in the first place]], to lure in all the more destructive Inquisitors to get rid of them. He's not out of the game yet, though, and is determined to return to the Emperor. He has become substantially more crazy after Leman Russ' Warp Survival lessons. Completly convinced he's the Emperor, and seems to regret what a horrible father "he" was more than Emprah himself.
[[Image:Domi.png|thumb|right]]
:*'''Dominique''': The sentient scribe servitor on Fyodor's Throne of Judgement. He comically makes fun of Fyodor on several occasions and generally breaks the serious atmosphere that the Lord Inquisitor tries to project. He also has a curious predilection for sandpaper cigarettes and a rapacious drug habit. Died inexplicably during the Inquisition's drunken rampage, most likely due to alcohol poisoning. It is never explained why Fyodor tolerated his nonsense for so long, but as Dominique regularly got away with sass sufficient to warrant a summary execution for a planetary governor, let alone a servitor, and Fyodor is not portrayed as being a particularly stable or calm individual, it's clear *something* was in play keeping Dominique employed and alive. Voiced by Gonzo the Great.
[[Image:Mall.png|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Ordo Malleus]] Inquisitor''': One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor. He appears as an Inquisitor brandishing bulky power armor, almost resembling Terminator armor (because it is, since it's a Grey Knight Grand Master, called "Grey Knight Leader" in the ending; on a side note, the Ordo Malleus has human size Terminator Armours in its possession). Is the most level-headed of the group.
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*'''Inquisitor Adrielle Quist''': One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor whom you'd recognize if you've ever seen them. A xeno fetishist, evidence suggests she is actually a tsundere for [[Genestealers]], and only dreams of being held in the strong, manly arms of her [[Broodlord]]-kun. She appears to be the bad cop of the group with a short temper and a rough, Russian accent. She claims that the letter of disbanding inquisition was written by a genestealer cult under the Emperor's name. While stuck in the warp with Fyodor and the rest, she assaults [[Lord of Change|Kairos]] after asking if he's a Genestealer, naturally not caring which of his heads answered "Yes". Even mentioning Genestealers in her presence causes her to fly into a berzerker rage. Later, during the Halloween special, she is apparently able to briefly manifest into realspace, similar to Kaldor Draigo, whenever someone mentions anything about Genestalers.
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*'''[[Ordo Hereticus]] Inquisitor''': One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor. He appears as an Inquisitor dressed in black and using a bolt pistol with a sight mount (which is exactly from the front cover of [[Dark Heresy]]). Don't let his soft-spoken tone fool you - this guy gets aroused at the thought of executing other people regardless of what they've done. He is in favor of the door-kicking-and-burning-building type of [[Exterminatus]], just like a medieval witch hunter. He is possibly the same Inquisitor as the one in the mask (who snickers arousedly at executing friendlies and wonders were the mask came from).
*'''Inquisitor Javerticus''': An Ordo Hereticus Inquisitor and the most dedicated and charismatic of them all, and also an awesome singer and swordsman. Sadly, the Grey Knights don't seem to comprehend his awesomely dramatic greatness. Named after the obsessive Inspector Javert.
*'''The Gods of [[Chaos]]''': The gods here are less chaotic than their canon counterparts. More-or-less they just sit around and talk to each other, the way they did prior to the Emperor showing up and making plans to wreck their collective shit.
**[[Tzeentch]] is a petty schoolyard bully/prankster who also likes to engage in pointless overthought pseudo-philosophy, and it's unclear if he means it or if it's just part of him being a troll. It turns out that he also plays Interdimensional Hyper Vostroyan Strip Poker with a deck made [[WAAC|ENTIRELY FROM BANNED CARDS]]
**[[Slaanesh]] is a hyperactive masochistic camwhore. Steals from Khorne and trolls with sexual innuendos.
**[[Khorne]] is the only half-way normal Chaos God (if that term could ever be applied to the Gods), who has yet to appear beyond screaming at Slaanesh for being a creepy whore. Has a fairly good relationship with Khaine, though, and they work out together at the gym. Never skips leg day, unlike the Emperor.
**[[Nurgle]] is the only one actually doing any scheming. Has a voice that's really hard to understand without subtitles, and is more focused on his waifu Isha than actually doing anything. When he's upset, he known to release extremely potent [[Wikipedia:Tinea cruris|Crotch]] [[Wikipedia:Candidal intertrigo|Rot]] on Hive-Worlds, which is as nasty as it sounds.
**[[Malal]] makes several short appearances, conversing with the various gods on Spacebook where he declares he will ruin everyone once he becomes canon again by escaping the "Retconnian" (a dimension where the Squats, Horus' soul, and other things that don't exist anymore are banished to) and a second time is shown to exist in a pocket outside canon where he is able to influence things that are canon in subtle ways using the [[Black Crusade (RPG)|"Tyrant Star", a wandering sun that gives off black light and incites anarchy and chaos on whatever planet it shines on]]. It appears that his obsession to become relevant again is a harmful one, as Horus and a Squat talk him down from his attempts and console him when he breaks down crying about his futile attempts.
*'''[[Lucius the Eternal]]''': Slaanesh's premier champion, who sounds like what would happen if Mickey Mouse turned to Slaanesh and became a drag queen in the process (his first appearance is a direct reference to [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g56q3j8NAcw this]). First shown fucking up some Imperial Guardsmen (in all senses of the word) with his warband, laughing like a maniac all the while. He then got a call from Fulgrim, inviting him and his band to join one of Abaddon's [[Black Crusade|"huge parties"]], which he accepted. His absolutely creepy portrayal in the series is quickly becoming one of the scariest (and most enjoyable) things in the franchise, sorta an impressive achievement. Runs a prank show in his spare time, and posts the results to Spacebook. Also planned the 'Slaaneshmas' holiday event which is broadcast to the whole universe to spread goodwill to humans and overall death to xeno species. Lucius makes a great holo vid host.
*'''[[Ahzek Ahriman]]''': Most powerful sorcerer of the [[Thousand Sons]]. Appears in a short scene where he finally gets access to the [[Black Library]], only to be dicked with, and eventually booted out by [[Cegorach]]. Decided to quit trying to get into the Black Library for a while and take a break, but decided against the latter after being summoned by Abaddon for the Black Crusade. Teamed up with Lucius for Slaaneshmas for the shits and giggles. On a side-note, he [[Old Man Henderson|smokes grimoires of Big Bad Jujus]], which impresses Lucius. He apparently wants to murder the stars as he finds them too bright for his taste.
*'''[[Typhus]]''': Chaos Lord of the [[Death Guard]]. Has the voice of Gilbert Gottfried, with a Strong resemblance to the voice of Real life Comedian Norm McDonald, or Gilbert Gottfried, which he uses to read [[Squad Broken|erotic fanfiction]] for Lucius. Like the other chaos champions, he's been summoned by Abbadon for the Black Crusade. Later shows up to the Slaaneshmas Special to talk about his latest book, which is just his own shit smeared on every page.
*'''[[Kharn|Khârn the Betrayer]]''': Most infamous Khornate Berserker in the World Eaters. Has yet to appear directly in the show. Was mentioned to have been Voxed by Lucius to be invited the Slaaneshmas special but only replied in angry grunts. Lucius thinks Angron picked him up for some business. Apparently, Lucius also mixed up his contact info with Sly Marbo at one point.
*'''[[Huron Blackheart]]''': We cannot confirm his appearance in the series proper, but it appears that he is with [[Abaddon]] in the Season 3 intro, perhaps pointing to an alliance of sorts. Why in the all the names of Chaos he is there, only Alfa (or maybe his voice actor) know.
*'''[[Fabius Bile]]''': Joins in on Lucius' and Ahriman's Slaaneshmas special to announce that he's starting a one-man Black Crusade to show up that man-baby Abbadon. Is triggered very seriously if called Bob and made an abomination of a clone of Ahriman (which psychically self destructed) during the Slaaneshmas Special. Naturally, Ahriman was horrified and disgusted and even Lucius was disturbed.
*'''[[Miriael Sabathiel]]''': The infamous Chaos Sororita shows up, only to get dismissed everywhere she goes and not be taken seriously. Upon learning it was Slaaneshmas, she dons a santa hat and joins the fun.Earlier, she was in a bad mood for being talked down by a captured Inquisitor (before she beheaded him in frustration), lamented the lost opportunity to torment him, and was enraged at some Noise Marines' amusement at her situation.
*'''The [[Tyranid]] Hivemind''': Attempted to hijack the Chaos Gods' warpchat, but was kicked after too many synapses attempted connections. The Emperor claims that talking to the Tyranid Hivemind is like talking to a herd of hungry sheep.

===Others===
*'''[[Jokaero|Torquemada Coteaz]]''': One of the Inquisitors who joined Fyodor's assault into the Imperial Palace. He shows up after Fyodor's forces was blocked off by a force of loyal Ecclesiarchy priests led by Decius in the palace, but breaches their defenses by throwing a barrel of Jokaero at the defenders. This plan causes Fyodor to lose any respect for him, which solicits a disheveled response from [[Awesome|Torquemada, telling him to get off his Throne of Judgement and tell him to his face, or use his multi-melta to do what he's too pathetic to]]. Fyodor backs off and lets him leave. So far he appears to be the only sane Inquisitor, snarling at Fyodor to not execute the Emperor for whatever offense he may pull out of his ass. He's also busy with [[The Lord Inquisitor|making a film]], which is why he didn't stay to see Fyodor's plans go to the Warp.
*'''[[Horus|FUCKING HORUS]]''': Appears in the April Fool's episode, where he breaks into the Emperor's throne room and incapacitates him. The Emperor declares Horus can't win because he's all alone, but says he isn't as he gathered allies while he was clawing his way out of The Warp, all of whom are some of the dead/retconned/obscure characters in the fluff, like; The Beast (An Ork who waged one of the most successful WAAAGH!s in human history), Goge Vandire (The man responsible for the worst chapter in Imperial History after the Horus Heresy), [[Sindri Myr]], the Megarachnids (A footnote insectoid race in the fluff, who were hunted to extinction by the Astartes in the Great Crusade.), the [[Squats]] (We all know who they are), Hermann Von Strab (One of the most inept commanders the Imperium has ever seen, who met his end in the 3rd War of Armageddon.), the [[Old Ones]], the Techno-Barbarians of olden Terra, 3ED [[Carnifex|Old One Eye]] and [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kXU14hkuSI SLY MARBOOO] *cue explosions*. He subsequently declares himself as the new Emperor. Later appeared for real in the second Q&A in the "Retconnian" with Malal and the Squats, and calms Malal's tantrum like a parent consoling a child.
*'''[[Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka]]''': Currently beating up the Overfiend of Octarius, as in official lore. It's still unknown where Ghazzy's gonna fit into things, though it will likely be to assemble all Orks into a single Great WAAAGH!!
[[Image:Cyph.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Cypher]]''': He has a very vague, mysterious plot involving the planet Orior and its STCs. This seems to take place not long after the [[Fallen_Angels#Ophidium Gulf Crusade Incident|Ophidium Gulf Crusade Incident]], as the Dark Angels managed to locate him by tracking his ship. He also seems to be skilled at disguise, as he just manages to waltz right into the Thunderhawk behind Azrael without any further comment. He's on his way towards Mars with the Dark Angels.
*'''Dolphan Gruss''': A Magos Explorator sent to Orior by the [[Adeptus Mechanicus|Admech]] to investigate the planet's STC. He is very blunt and dismissive when dealing with "fleshbags", and does so while speaking with a French accent. His most remarkable feature, however, is a drill that replaces his right hand, which, predictably, makes him the butt of many [[Anime|anime]]-related jokes, much to his dismay.
*'''Reimleiz the Theorist:''' An attendant techpriest whom the Emperor calls "random mechanicus guy". He's currently searching for a motorbike for Rogal Dorn to use, inside Jaghatai Khan's shed. Is incapable of making any statement without phrasing it as a question and is constantly asking himself trivial questions for no real reason (such as asking if legs are actually vehicles driven by tiny snotlings). Also has a penchant for slapping his cyberdong on toasters, which many mechanicus adepts around the system appear to be visibly fixated upon.
*'''[[Cegorach]]''': The Laughing God, shown guarding the Black Library. He encounters Ahriman trying to enter and forcefully boots him out after a bit of trolling. He has a French accent. He has his own spectral audience that laughs at his jokes, and even a voice that adds "[BAZINGA.]" to his punchlines.
*'''[[Isha]]''': Despite being a kidnapping victim initially, Isha is now in a relationship with Nurgle. She hates Tzeentch and Slaanesh, mocking the former and encouraging Nurgle to plague the latter.
*'''[[Gork]] and [[Mork]] (or was it Mork and Gork?)''': Two dumbfucks who argue with each other in other people's conversations on Spacebook, with Gork not actually knowing he's using the Interwarp and trying to figure out how to use it while already on it.
*'''[[Khaine]]''': Disappointed and annoyed by all the young Gods around him, sounds like an old man beat-down by life. He mostly hangs out in the warp chat and goes to the gym with Khorne.
[[Image:Text Marines.jpg|thumb|right]]
[[Image:Eliphas.jpg|thumb|right]]
*'''[[Felinids]]''': [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUuvHPr4BGk The ultimate let-down.]
*'''[[Necron]]s''': They appear initially in a mini-episode by Karl. Necrons all speak with low-quality Text to Speech devices, except for the Lords who can afford higher quality devices. Shennanigans ensue when an unnamed Necron Lord discovers that his lowly minions can't pronounce certain things, so now all necrons make roflcopter sounds as their war cries. '''SOI SOI MOTHERFUCKER'''
*'''[[Stormcast Eternals|Ground Marines]]''': Introduced as a short spoof episode after the release of [[Age of Sigmar]], a group of Ultramarines determined to bring their superior selves to the service of [[Sigmar|"other Emperors"]] enter a portal and come out transformed as Stormcast Eternals, their appearance crushing a small group of [[The Empire (Warhammer Fantasy)|Empire]] Flagellants. Text then appeared expressing condolences for [[Warhammer Fantasy]] fans. Although non-canon, it's a jab at Games Workshop's need to crowbar Space Marines everywhere ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-MzNpMD1K8 As the Stormcast Eternals largely resemble the Space Marines]. Heck, their posterboy group even takes after [[Ultramarines|The Greatest Of Them All]] with the blue, white, and gold color scheme).
*'''[[Eliphas The Inheritor]]''': Makes a cameo in the second Q&A episode having sent a letter to the Emperor saying "Dear Corpse Emperor, Furk You." The episode then cuts to him laughing manically thinking he's so clever before the Emperor psychically punches him, promptly shutting him up.
*'''Little Billy''': A running gag character in the series. His appearance is a psychic child who made himself a crude power-armor costume using cardboard boxes, with Alfabusa's grey and blue livery for colors. The gag about him is that Billy is constantly subjected to lethal/traumatizing events, yet still survives to appear again, leading to a joke that he is actually a perpetual. So far he's been: run over by a space marine attack bike, kidnapped and thrown into a Dark Eldar slave pit ''twice'', and implied to have been molested by Lucius after contacting him using a psychic link and suddenly appearing before him, then hunted across the cosmos by Lucius during Slaaneshmas, and hammered in the face by a Deathwatch member before almost getting eaten by Tyranids in [https://youtu.be/mabM64rAd4k?t=25m32s| Behemoth]. He's also apparently talked to the High Lords at least once, since the Grand Provost Marshal hallucinates him. To date the only good thing to happen to him is Sly Marbo rescuing him after some internal deb-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-ting.
*'''Hobo Guardsman''': also known as "Hobo-chan." Like Billy, he exists to be traumatized by the grim darkness of the universe. First he becomes an unwilling recipient of Lucius' charity efforts, that being a sandwich made from ''"freshly milked [[daemonette]] [[trap|milk]]"'', then later he gets harassed by the [[Adeptus Arbites]] for adding rat meat to his rations to make them more edible. Fed up with the bullshit, he decides to join Chaos, getting warped away before his planet is destroyed by Exterminatus. He was later seen smashed by Lucius during the Slaaneshmas Special. Last seen in the Eldar Webway.
*'''Inquisitor Headsmash''': Hangs around on a ship in low orbit waiting for heresy to occur. Has a heavily reinforced Exterminatus button which he gets a LOT of use of it - as the name implies, he hits it repatedly using his head. Has the enviable talent of hearing heresy from orbit.
*'''Detective Bruce Norring''': Appears in the Halloween specials. With most of the Inquisition missing, Bruce is put on the case of chasing down shady heretics on hive world Purgatory before unwittingly uncovering a Genestealer cult and nearly made into a genehost - only to get saved by a completely sloshed Inquisitor from the warp.
*'''Calato''': A [[Deathwatch]] Champion from the Dark Angels. Originally from BEHEMOTH, Calato served under Inquisitor [[Kryptman]], spending more time irritably fixing recaf rather than fighting xenos. Calato later shows up trapped in the warp with Karamazov and the rest of the Inquisition, where he had the balls to call Leman Russ a dogfucker to his face. Naturally, Russ was not amused. Later they made up over a pint of Fenrisian Ale, with Calato drunkenly embracing Russ as his "uncle... dog... my duncle!"
*'''[[Skarbrand]]''': Appears in the Warp Hijinks special as a victim of a ding-dong-ditch prank by Leman Russ and Fyodor. Skarbrand refers to himself exclusively in the third person and, being a Bloodthirster, [[RAGE|hates literally everything]]; he actually remains in the doorframe after answering, which he hates ''slightly'' less.
*'''[[Kairos Fateweaver]]''': Appears in the same special, where he tries his usual "Knights and Knaves" shtick on Inquisitor Adrielle Quist, and gets fucked up for his troubles.
*'''Ahriman 2.0''': [[Fabius Bile]]'s horribly disfigured clone of Ahzek Ahriman which he unveiled in the Slaaneshmas special, much to Lucius and the original Ahriman's horror. Fabius claimed it was a "work-in-progress", something which caused the clone to become so enraged that it psychically self-destructed moments after.
*'''[[Hassan]]''': First appeared in the Chaos Descends series attempting to sell camels to two of the main characters in the middle of nowhere, eventually convincing them to put up flyers for his business as a form of payment. He later appears in the main series, apparently having sold camels to the Ultramarines at some point.
*'''The citizens of Hive World Purgatory''': Originally appearing in Alfa's Upper Hive games, hive world Purgatory appears a few times in the series proper. Its citizens are extremely idiotic and prone to murdering each other over the slightest suspicion. It's also been the victim of a recent Crotch Rot epidemic, and multiple Genestealer invasions.
*'''The Citizens Of The Imperium''': In special episodes where the Emperor answers mail from citizens of the Imperium (most of which is questions asked by watchers of the series), Loyalist humanity plus an odd Xeno or Chaos entity ask questions of him. These are supposed to by sorted by ''Little Kitten'' and later Magnus as well, but quite a few stupid ones get through to the point that without the aid of the cuddly Centurion, the Emperor's frustration causes Warpstorms which obliterate chunks of the universe.

==The Order of The Primarchs' Returns==
During the season 3 intro, the silhouettes the miniatures of all the primarchs seems to appear in the order they will first enter the show, as the order roughly corresponds with their actual in-series appearances so far, though this may just be the order of their apearances, not the order in which they return...

* [[Rogal Dorn]] - Around since the beginning of the series, although we don't find out it's Dorn until Episode 20.
* [[Magnus]] - Pops up in Episode 13 after being captured by the Ultrasmurfs.
* [[Vulkan]] - Returns after Cato Sicarius plants the remaining Lost Artifacts of Vulkan in Episode 20.
* [[Leman Russ|Lemon Russ]] - Appears in the Warp in Episode 21, after Magnus banished the Inquisitors there in Episode 18.
* [[Corvus Corax]] Can be heard attempting to get out of a building on Nocturne at the End of Episode 21, and appears in person during Episode 25.
* [[Ferrus Manus]]- Appears as a 'brainghost' in Vulkan's head when Vulkan returns at the beginning of Episode 20
* [[Lion El'Jonson]] - Not yet featured, but Rogal Dorn might know where he is. Then again, maybe not. This IS The Lion we're talking about, after all...
* [[Jaghatai Khan]] - Talked about extensively in Episode 24; The Ultramarines are on the rescue!
* [[Angron]]
* [[Perturabo]] - Hasn't appeared in person, but was prominently featured in a flashback in Episode 24
* [[Lorgar]]
* [[Mortarion]]
* [[Fulgrim]] - Hasn't appeared in person, although he did contact Lucius the Eternal to inform him about Abbadon's 13th Black Crusade.
* [[Alpharius]] and/or [[Omegon]]
* [[Konrad Curze]]
* [[Roboute Guilliman]] - No appearances, although occasionally referred to in the form of The Emperor demanding his life support being cut off. Hilarious in hindsight, given the events of Gathering Storm.
* [[Sanguinius]] - No appearances, but he was spoken of at the end of the second Q&A, Episode 18.5
* [[Horus]] - No appearances in the main series, although he has been seen in the April Fools and the second Q&A.

==Trivia==
* The Emperor's motivation for creating the Human Webway was obtaining Eldar prostitutes, who could take him much better than humans could. The other benefits were an afterthought.
* The Emperor is plagued by a phantom-itch (courtesy of Nurgle) which caused his nose to continue itching long after it fell off and rotted out of existence. Tzeentch believes the frustration will cause him to explode, destroying humanity and causing him to become a new Chaos God.
* The Emperor likes tacos.
* The Emperor believes that [[Love Can Bloom]] will result in humans passing STDs onto Eldar, so he condones interspecies romance.
* The Emperor's left eye was accidentally poked out by Rogal Dorn's iron halo while attaching him to the Golden Throne (prompting the replacement before the rest of his body decayed). The Emperor intends to somehow resurrect him to punish him for it (though now that's no longer a necessity). Actually, in older depictions of the Emperor's duel with Horus, it is one of the wounds inflicting upon him (he also broke many bones, burned the Emperor's fabulous hairs, poisoned him and a lot of stuff...).
* Some of the Emperor's previous personas included Moses and [[Chris-Chan]]. Yes, really.
* The Emperor's shattered psyche includes knowledge of the 4th wall. This is not always available.
* The Emperor created the formula indicating when there is (almost) enough [[dakka]]. Only he himself and Kitten know it.
* The Emperor approves of the Tau in theory, although in practice only those willing to engage in melee. So basically just the [[Farsight|Farsight Enclaves]].
* In fact, the Emperor actually approves of any Xenos that isn't a threat to mankind. Absolute eradication is unnecessary if regulation suffices.
* Despite his intentions for the Imperial Truth involving suffocating the Chaos Gods, the Emperor's attempts at atheism were in fact making [[Necoho|an actual god of disbelief]]...according to Magnus.
* The Emperor can shape the [[Astronomicon]] so that he can flip the bird to the rest of the galaxy.
* Has a known hobby: Plays a children's card game (Yu Gi Oh) with a clearly cheesy, overpowered and unfair deck...that, like most [[cheese]], was destroyed as soon as it came across a hard counter. [[Horus Heresy|Apparently Emprah still hasn't learnt the lesson about why using OP stuff is a very bad idea.]]
* The Emperor has called for a second Council of Nikea. This one has nothing to do with Magnus; ironically, it's centered on the Space ''Corgis'', and the fact that the [[wikipedia:Woodland Critter Christmas|friendly woodland critters]] of Fenris that the Wolves commune with are actually daemons. We've yet to see Magnus' and Leman Russ' reaction to the news, but it's guaranteed to be hilarious.
* He has also ordered [[Logan Grimnar]] to deliver presents to all the good little boys and girls in the Imperium on Sanguinala.
* While he has a number of colorful insults for his subordinates, including the primarchs, he also has pet names for his sons, such as "my little Magnymagic" or "RogalyDonDon."
* The First Founding was originally named the [[Only Founding]], this was renamed after [[Codex Astartes|Guilliman's fuck up]].
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RuE2waTrXKk The Emperor disapproves of the saying "Life is the Emperor's currency"].
* The Emperor's flaming sword sounds like a squeaky toy hammer (at least when he bashed Tzeentch's faces in).
* The Emperor is anti racist - he wrongly assumed that Little Kitten had stated that the Salamanders Chapter marines have a unique 'black skin' - which has actually come about from their bodies chemical reaction to their home planets environment. He also wonders if their pyromania had to do with his act of keeping their gene-seeds closer to the candle for warmth when he was creating them.
* Due to The Warp affecting his very being, Kaldor Draigo's dick is ALWAYS the largest in the room, no exceptions.
* Magnus identifies with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
* Ferrus Manus is not only dead, he is also a <strike>ghost</strike> skhost.

==Gallery==
===Quotes and snippets===
<gallery>
Image:Text To Heresy.png| If [[/d/]] still existed in 40k you can bet the Emperor would purge it.
Image:NotCanonShout.gif| What happens whenever someone mentions Shadowsun around Kitten.
Image:EmperorSureal.gif| Emp's reaction to most things that have happened to the Imperium.
Image:EmperorDisgraceful.gif| Likewise.
Image:EmperorPunchesTzeentch.gif| The Emperor taking out his frustration on a certain [[Tzeentch|indecisive mollusk]].
Image:MagnusRant.gif| Magnus is not a fan of the Imperium's general intelligence levels.
Image:DeciusHatBoner.gif| What passes for "Religious Ecstasy" in the Ecclesiarchy.
Image:UltraFucknCrying.gif| Calgar's disappointment over the flanderization of the Ultramarines is palpable.
Image:PillarstodesEntrance.gif| [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUhVCoTsBaM| *Cue Awaken.mp3*]
Image:AhrimanEXCUSEME.gif| Ahriman is a very grumpy boss.
Image:SlaaneshPatrol.gif| If you hear EDM outside, don't answer the door. EVER.
Image:HighLordsIllegal.gif| The High Lords in a nutshell.
Image:SuddenlyDaemons.gif| Magnus' original fuckup barely phased him at the time.
Image:EmperorSpanking.jpg| The Emperor is the ideal father figure.
Image:UltraSmurfingNecrons.gif| Calgar engaging in a little Ultraviolence.
Image:RussWolfWarfare.jpg| Leman Russ' version of the infamous Navy Seal Copypasta.
</gallery>

===Fanart===
<gallery>
Image:NOT CANON.png| Kitten with his TOTALLY NOT CANON girlfriend [[Shadowsun]].
File:Kitten and shadowsun tragic story by khornez.jpg|''Tale as old as time...''
File:KittenCustodesbyAdeptusAdamaris.jpg|Turns out the nickname wasn't an accident.
File:NotCanonbyMagnifical.jpg
File:Luscious lucius prankz gone heretical 2016 by sexual yeti.png
File:TTS Rogal by eightball6219.jpg|When a tech-priest asks for a toaster, you give him a damn toaster!
</gallery>

==External Links==

* [https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLyiDf91_bTEgnBN0jAvzNbqzrlMGID5WA The entire series.]
* [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/WebVideo/IfTheEmperorHadATextToSpeechDevice TV Tropes's page, for extra references.]
* [http://if-the-emperor-had-a-texttospeech-device.wikia.com/wiki/If_The_Emperor_Had_a_Text-To-Speech_Device_Wiki And a whole wiki to cover the show, too]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqbQ_oKmflM A remix cover of the ending theme by StringStorm, check his other remixes too.]
* [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzPuK1vib_c Not content with his first remix, StringStorm made a second one.]

[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Gods]]