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Tzeentch

2023-05-16T16:35:46Z

2A0B:F4C2:1:0:0:0:0:1: You cant say the c word or else you turn into a chaos spaWKDISOSKWNDOALQKXNER

[[File:934501-tzeentch mark.png|center]]
[[File:Tzeentch the Architect of Fate.jpg|500px|thumb|right|Tzeentch thinking to himself: [[Troll|"Hmmm... I wonder what plans I would foil again?"]]]]
{{awesome}}
{{sick| The curse of tzeentch might mutate you into an unholy abomination or kill you if you use magic. If you bow to the blue birdbrain and sacrifice everything you love he may quit cursing you or fuck your brain into mush just before or after you ask for his boon.}}
{{heresy}}
''JUST AS PLANNED... ALWAYS AS PLANNED... NEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHHE...'' - The Word of Tzeentch on just about any Misfortune you encounter

{{Topquote|O Fortune, like the moon you are changeable, ever waxing and waning. Hateful life, first oppresses, and then soothes as fancy takes it; poverty, and power it melts them like ice. Fate - monstrous and empty, you whirling wheel, you are malevolent, well-being is in vain and always fades to nothing, ...|Oh Fortuna, from the Carmina Burana}}

{{Topquote|I'm a scientist; because I invent, transform, create, and destroy for a living, and when I don't like something about the world, I change it.|Rick Sanchez}}

{{Topquote|I'm beginning to think that to hope isn't the same as to expect something. To hope is to believe that life is an acceptable chaos.|Goenawan Mohamad}}

{{Topquote|The great proof of madness is the disproportion of one's designs to one's means.|Napoleon Bonaparte.}}

==Introduction==
[[Image:Tzeench_political_poster.jpg|thumb|250px|right|Tzeentch has a fetish for birds, as seen by this sorceress getting her bird mutations on in a proper Tzeentchian <s>and weirdly hot</s> fashion. Wait, that's Slaanesh's schtick! JUST. AS. PLANNED. Tzeentch is a Cosmic Harem Nerd Protagonist confirmed.]]
'''Tzeentch''', (may or may not be pronounced Zeench) also known as '''the Great Conspirator, the Changer of the Ways, the Architect of Fate, Tchar, Chen the Deceiver, Chi'an Chi (奸奇), Tsien-Tsin, [[H.P. Lovecraft|Nyarlathotep]], the Troll Master, Cheenzh, the Raven God, the Trickster, the Archmage God, the Lord of Nerds, [[/b/]], Emperor Lollercoaster/Trollercoaster, [[If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device|The Indecisive Mollusk]], Master of Madness, [[Total War: Warhammer|Chi’an Chi]], Space Obama, the Lord of Social Media, The Monarch of Operating Updates, the Terror of Tumblr and Tik Tok, [[Star Trek|Q]], The ''other'' [[/pol/|Q]], The Great Lovecraftian Geek, [[JoJo's Bizarre Adventure|Joseph Joestar]], Loki, Otto von Bismarck, Bugs Bunny, The Cuttlefish of Keikaku, The Patron God of “Well, actually...”, the King of Kek, 2020's Living Incarnation, Lelouch vi Britannia, the Champion of [[Cheese]], the Patron God of Internet Prank Videos, [[Old Man Henderson|Old Man Henderson's Avatar]], NoobMaster69, TheLegend27, Skankhunt42, the "[[Not as planned|Do I look like the kind of guy with a plan]]?" Planner, the Octopoda Occultist, Mr. "I Have Your IP Address", [[If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device|Father Number Three]], Filthy Frank''' and 9936 other names is or is not the [[Chaos God]] of change, curiosity, hard-to-spell names, lies, cunning, ambition, opportunity, creativity and inventiveness, mutation and evolutionary processes, [[Entropy|'Pure Chaos']], Machiavellian scheming, CEOs, politics, governmental power, manipulation, trolling, the internet, everything ever posted on Twitter by anyone (except the Slaaneshi stuff anyway...), your politically obsessed uncle’s Facebook profile, all recorded information and all forgotten knowledge, leadership, any smartphone platform like Apple or Android, every OS written or yet to be written, the BSOD, supervillain geniuses, progress, knowledge, magic, [[psykers]], [[Chess]], lawyers and other high-functioning psychopaths/sociopaths, hope (despite there being [[God-Emperor of Mankind|a contender for God of Hope]]), constant article editing, poor grammar and grammar Nazis, canon and “head canon”, and massively overlong lists.

In [[Warhammer Fantasy]] he may or may not have already existed before the world like the other Chaos Gods, and the [[Old Ones]] actively tried to prevent [[Daemons]] from ever successfully invading the world by creating the different races of the game in an attempt to find something that could cheese Daemons in every battle until the very Warp Gates that the Old Ones used to come to the planet in the first place collapsed forming miniature [[Eye of Terror|Eyes of Terror]] at the poles of the world (''Just as planned''). He is said to have a fetish for [[Blood Ravens|Ravens]] amongst the [[Warriors of Chaos|Norse]] tribes and Condors amongst [[Warriors of Chaos|Kurgan nomads]]. There's no real picture for Tzeentch since the weird bastard always and never but always changes his appearance every time he sits for his yearbook photo. Some of the more or less memorable appearances have been: an opaline serpent constantly slithering in-place; a no-neck blue greater daemon with a skin pocked with faces that each repeat what the main head just said with different emphasis or tone; a rainbow-hued cloud of mist that speaks by casting echoes off nearby structures without making the original sound; a featureless green-skinned human in an archaic grey suit with the words "NO PICTURE AVAILABLE" suspended in the air where his face would be; and perhaps the most or least prominent, a giant imp with two penises growing out of its head. No, srsly. Unless... he could be Slaane-- {{BLAM|''*URGLBURGL*''}}

Strangely, Tzeentch was often/rarely/usually attributed to hope in the two settings, despite there being Chaos Gods of Order in Fantasy, and in 40k the [[God-Emperor of Mankind]] serving as The God of Hope in his career even if he never wanted to be worshiped as such. To be fair, there is a difference between hope and order (or is there?). The Chaos Gods embody traits that can be directed for good or evil (how can hope be evil? To invoke Godwin's Law, Hitler hoping his genocide plans would succeed was evil, or as in Pandora's Box where hope prolongs suffering). It is entirely possible or not that what Games Workshop incorrectly called Hope is more or less but more accurately called selfish Ambition, the sort that would drive people to commit Machiavellian backstabbing, because in the grim darkness of the 41st millennium [[God-Emperor of Mankind|actual selfless Hope]] is pretty much [[Nurgle|a rotting corpse]].

He is or isn't typically the second strongest of the Chaos Gods, however he has advantage over Khorne when it comes to IQ, manipulation and leadership. In canon Chaos God vs Chaos God stories he has the largest number of victories and [[Just As Planned|fewest number of defeats]]. He rarely does things directly and prefers to trick one of the Chaos Gods or their servants into fighting with one another (to the point that one can assume anytime a Chaos God goes to war with another one, he's probably behind it). He got Skarbrand, the then mightiest Bloodthirster, to attack his master. Skarbrand hit with all his strength but only put a chink in Khorne's armor and Khorne got unbelievably, incomprehensibly, all-consumingly pissed and grabbed Skarbrand and threw him so hard that he went sailing in the sky for days before finally crashing into the ground so hard that his wings broke. and whenever Tzeentch gets caught into these antics (most especially by an enraged Khorne) he could simply recite the rules (Yes, Chaos have strange rules) and testify to the circumstances proving that he wasn't responsible. If everyone including the Emperor and the Chaos Gods want to find him guilty for cheating then he will just twist it back to them because he wasn't violating the rules set by the highest authorities in the tabletop: the [[Mod]]s. in other words, Tzeentch is a Cosmic Attorney.

Except that millions of his followers will likely be slaughtered and his faith likely has a new enemy... but Tzeentch, like every Chaos God, is beyond our petty definition of victory and defeat. Which makes the above paragraph idiotically inaccurate, like most of our concepts of reality when the Warp gets involved.
[[File:Tzeentch Old.jpg|thumb|right|400px|The first depiction of Tzeentch in Warhammer art.]]
Once Tzeentch was the strongest of all the Chaos Gods and basically made the Warp his bitch. In 40k this was actually tied to a Materium time period now known as a Dark Age of Technology - the golden age of prosperity, '''hope''', '''ambition''', and '''progress''', when Humanity and Eldar, who dominated the Galaxy defeated the diseases and poverty with their sophisticated science and sorcery and waged their wars through emotionless constructs and robots - no wonder Tzeentch was supercharged by these events and the other two gods were at their lowest of the lows. Unfortunately for him, he uncharacteristically didn't plan (or is it?) on the other two Chaos gods agreeing to team up against him and was shattered into countless fragments (it was his crystal staff in the old lore). [[Khaine|Unlike a certain other god]], he was able to put himself back together again, but he's still missing several pieces of himself. In Fantasy those pieces went on to become the first magic, and in 40k they caused a massive burst of powerful psykers being born, which combined with a robot rebellion humans experienced and pleasure cults Eldar went into brought the downfall of both civilizations, effectively ending their golden ages. Although, given the nature of gods, it's possible that the cause-consequence chain was the other way around with a war in the Warp being the representation of two great prosperous empires falling from their grace. [[The Blue Scribes]] are tasked with recollecting these fragments. Tzeentch also claims the Realm of Chamon in the [[Age of Sigmar]]. The [[Slann]] managed to create the Halosphere as a passageway to Tzeentch's lair.

Basically, if Chaos wins you better hope (pun!) Tzeentch comes out on top. At least he'll just mess with you if you make convoluted plans because he likes out-smarting you but otherwise will leave you alone and pat you on the head for being smart or something. Those pats may or may not include mutations that may or may not be useful (although you can probably use sorcery to correct it anyway). This is absolutely heavenly compared to literally everyone else.

If Tzeentch had a voice actor... Tzeentch would need different ones all the time (or would he?). A good candidate is Aidan “CIA” Gillan, who helpfully can't keep his accent straight for longer than a scene at a time. Q and Garak from Star Trek are also good choices. Especially Q, considering that the character himself is basically just who Tzeentch would be in the Trek universe.

==Elf/Eldar Gods==
In 40k, he was ''seemingly'' the only Chaos God who didn't try to intervene when Slaanesh went on his/her/its "just-born" raping and killing spree as far as we know. But Tzeentch seldom works directly, so there's no way to tell for sure. For all we know he could have been involved in the survival of fellow troll-god [[Cegorach]] or something.

In Warhammer Fantasy, [[Asuryan]] is something of the Road Runner to his Wile E. Coyote. While Tzeentch's flawless and infinitely intricate plans of dickery seem to culminate with the Warp enveloping the world, something always goes wrong at the last minute and usually the High Elves or an ally of the High Elves are at the center of it. That's because Asuryan also has a plan, one he actually shares with mortal [[High Elves]] who take a vow of silence and become his monks. Asuryan's plan is NOT flawless however, and culminates in one giant last battle with a 50% chance of success or fail on his behalf between "good" (Order) and "evil" (Destruction). The outcome of that battle will decide if the Chaos Gods win or lose once and for all. Apparently, dragons will go extinct either way though. It turns out that his plan [[The End Times|didn't work out]].
Tzeentch also has direct relations with [[Morai-Heg]] who is a goddess of prophesy who can actively change fate at her will. Morai-Heg is a True Neutral kind of being who fucks with everyone's plans in ways that end up with them indebted to her one way or another. Usually because she manipulates things in a way to force you to come to her to undo the change she already made (you don't know she did this in the first place) and make a third result, which someone else probably asked for due to a change someone else made and...well, let's just summarize it as "''Everyone's plans are all going according to plan''".

==[[Just as planned]]...==
Tzeentch will always be '''at least''' three steps ahead of you; he out-dicks [[Eldrad]], [[Cegorach|The Laughing God]], both [[Sigmar|God]] [[God-Emperor of Mankind|Emprahs]] (though just barely in regard to the second one...a fact he likes), and the [[C'tan|Deceiver]] hands down. Just an example: He tricked [[Slaanesh]] into provoking [[Khorne]], a fight she promptly lost. Why did he do it? He did it for fun...and as a favor for a friend. Though considering what turns Slaanesh on, she might not have been tricked... or perhaps Tzeentch planned around Slaanesh planning to pretend to be tricked.

Just [[The Game (Tzeentch)|don’t mention]] [[Creed]] around him...or Kitten.

In Warhammer Fantasy, he's notable for never really doing much of anything really (except trapping [[Sigmar]] for years in the Wind of Heaven until Vortex on [[Ulthuan]] is destroyed and the Wind, under Sigmar's direction, enters the body of Emperor [[Karl Franz]] after his death.) His champions either have magical powers or limited ability to see and manipulate the future. Some just follow more charismatic champions of other Chaos Gods into battle, although when that champion inevitably falls Tzeentch's almost always survive to mutate another day. The setting's China equivalent, [[Cathay]], has wizards actively stealing Tzeentch's magic and using its effects to affect the world with greater power than normal magic can. They do this entirely without worshiping him or suffering Chaos mutations or taint (according to the fluff, they do worship Tzeentch, they just know him by another name and don't know his true nature... this is most likely a reference to Daoism and ''Yi Jing'', the Book of Change). Clearly Tzeentch mostly just focuses on 40k while the other three Chaos Gods play two tables at once (or maybe Tzeentch is lulling the Cathayans into a false sense of security...).

In AoS he seems a little more involved, but not by much, he manages to corrupt entire civilizations (one who is Greek themed appropiatly for the Lord of "I am very smart") who loved phylosophy just as much as they loved backstabbing each other, creates the infamous "Silver Towers" in witch the first AoS Warhammer Quest game revolved around (and was subsecuently destroyed by Be'lakor and his maquinations), has conquered 90% of the realm of Change and Metal, Chamon, (again until Be'lakor got involved and pretty much fucked the realm with his chaos clouds and now he rules it)and probably has the most competent subject under his rule, Valium Maliti, a changeling who designed an industrial nightmare of a city in the realm of Alarielle and the Sylvaneth just so they can get into more conflict, while his machinations still have not reached his 40K levels, he is at least as engaged as Khorne, though they are both behind Nurgle, and ironically, the three of them are behind the now imprisioned Slaanesh, who is far more involved into AoS, you know with the whole getting imprisioned thing.

The funny thing is, Tzeentch's plots will never come to true fruition. They just go on and on, forever and ever, twisted and tangled for the sheer joy of it with no end goal or even a purpose behind them. Tzeentch is a god of ''chaos'', and a plan satisfied, tied up, finished, is a plan that has left his purview. There is no victory, no defeat, no end. Ends are stagnation, [[Nurgle|the opposite of all he represents]]. [[Games Workshop|There will only be the endless clatter of dice in]] [[Warhammer 40K|the mad, cruel games the gods play with the fates and souls of men]]. Rolled without end, amen. In this sense, Tzeentch truly is the Chaos God of hope because he will never allow Chaos to defeat the mortal plane if he can- at least, not if it doesn't lead to further changes. While most everyone else plays to win, Tzeentch plays for fun, for as long as he can. In older fluff, Tzeentch was also the Chaos God of magic and intellect, so if anyone wanted Tzeentch to win, they just had to make a clever plan that would further Tzeentch's goals and pull it off, increase the amount of magic in the world or become a wizard (so technically everytime a [[Storm of Magic|Storm of Magic]] happens would be a victory for Tzeentch), [[Matt Ward|though GW has downplayed that aspect of him]], or maybe he's just trying to appear more menacing, who knows.

Possibly the god of "I meant to do that", "I was just pretending to be retarded," and "we can still make this work...".

==Followers==
Tzeentch's followers tend to be Librarians/wizards, Sorcerers, nerds, psykers/magical beings, unstable mutants, and red-nosed misfits, but instead of [[Nurgle]]'s "I love you just for who you are," Tzeentch encourages his followers to [[/tg/|revel in what makes them dweeb outcasts]] and go even further, constantly finding new ways to push limits and try things out just because they can. It's not enough that you've made this former Guardsman loyal, harder and better, faster and stronger, you could also fit another three arms on the guy, and if you added a head on his pelvis he would never be surprised, and he can't talk anymore so why not replace his larynx with a flamer sac? [[Chaos Spawn|Whereas other Chaos Gods accidentally pour too much love into their subjects]] (Slaanesh quite literally), Tzeentch does it on purpose because he actually knows what he's doing when he does so.

* Tzeentch Daemons are:
** '''[[Pink Horrors]]''': Ever-shifting gleeful balls of psychic rape. Really powerful ones are Heralds of Tzeentch. Courtesy of sixth edition 40k, these guys are now brotherhood of sorcerers, and a blob of 16 or more horrors can cast 3 spells per turn, and since they're daemons of Tzeentch they test on Ld10. Unfortunately, all the powers they have are '''FUN*'''. 8th edition Fantasy sees them as a blob of level 1 wizards who can't miscast, which are fun due to the randomness of them but aren't really competitive. The best-known of these is a being called the Changeling, who has the ability to transform into any being it wants, usually for the purposes of wreaking havoc behind enemy lines (although it has also been known to do so for pulling pranks as well, like planting Nurglings on the Skull Throne just as Khorne is about to sit down or cutting Slaanesh's hair while he/she/it sleeps). Apparently it's changed its form so many times it doesn't even remember what it originally used to look like.
** '''[[Horror#Blue_Horror|Blue Horrors]]''': When you kill a pink horror, it splits into 2 tiny, manic-depressive blue horrors. In 40k it just means your pink horrors hit back at S2 every time you kill one in close combat, which is kind of useless. Why are your horrors in close combat anyway? The Fantasy version of them are summonables that enter onto the field when the magic lore of Tzeentch sees a spell cast very well (since your Pink Horrors cannot miscast, throwing a fuckload of dice into a spell to produce more Blue Horrors is nifty). They're pretty weak though anyway, which is what keeps full Tzeentch armies from really being viable. A particularly notable pair of Blue Horrors are P'tarix and Xirat'p, also known as [[The_Blue_Scribes | Blue Scribes]]. Tzeentch sent them out to catalog every single magic spell in reality, knowing that they weren't smart enough to know how easily abused the power of said spells might be. Finally fixed in Age of Sigmar as they're now just weaker pink horrors that you place two when a pink horror dies.
*** '''[[Horror#Brimstone_Horrors|Brimstone Horrors]]''': Also known as Yellow Horrors. Recently added in Age of Sigmar and 40k, oddly never mention until now since three is a running theme for Tzeentch. When a Blue Horror dies they turn into a pair of angry little fire daemons.
** '''[[Flamers_of_Tzeentch|Flamers]]''': like Horrors but less limb-y and way more mouths to breathe fire with. Also, this fire is S4 AP4. If you inflict wounds on a unit they have to take a toughness test, and if they fail they suffer D3 wounds with no saves allowed. On the other hand, if they pass the toughness test [[FAIL|they get feel no pain (6+) which can stack if they keep passing.]]. They're the main Daemon ranged option in Warhammer Fantasy, although they're pretty close range. Best used to shotgun an enemy right in the flank while it's engaged with something from one of the other Chaos Gods in melee. ''Just as planned'', right there in the crunch.
** '''[[Screamers of Tzeentch]]''': the Tzeentchian notion of cavalry; levitating manta rays with buzzsaw fins. Also melta-teeth for some reason. In Fantasy they function as chaff by harassing units and weakening them (with great luck killing something important like a mage) or [[DISTRACTION_CARNIFEX |forcing them to devote a turn killing them and thus leaving that unit open to whatever other Daemons you brought]].
***'''Jet Screamers''': screamers that are really fast, Gold colored, and capable of shooting magic missles, and can teleport limited distances...so basically space cliffracers, (though the don't make any annoying sounds, every 5 seconds). very rarely seen, (tzeentch reserves them from combating other chaos gods), and those who see them even more rarely come out intact.
** '''[[Burning Chariots of Tzeentch]]''': One-man vehicles for heralds of Tzeentch or Exalted Flamers, which are like flamers but... exalted. In 40k this is where the AP2 Tzeentch Flame attack went after Flamers got a buff (but it's assault D3, for optimal '''FUN*''', and it also has a S5 AP3 torrent attack. These both follow the same warpflame rules as flamers do, but they also won't be leaving so many survivors so it's not as big a deal. Fantasy sees them as the surprise buttsecks machine, once again tearing through an enemy that's engaged with something else. Like Tzeentch's architectural styles though it's a glass cannon that WILL break if damn near anything short of an anemic [[Bretonnia|Bretonnian]] peasant orphan with a cold attacks it.
** '''[[Lord of Change|Lords of Change]]''': huge birdlike sorcerers that look like a [[Furry|werewolf's in-between state, only it's a werevulture-snake-velociraptor...thing]] (So, a Skeksis from Dark Crystal?). They have the power to predict the future at any given time so they're almost invincible, unless Tzeentch wants them to die, which going by all the times Tzeentchian Chaos Daemon and Thousand Sons armies lose, happens surprisingly often. They're the best non-named spellcaster available to Daemons in Fantasy. Chief among their number is Tzeentch's right-hand daemon [[Kairos Fateweaver]], who was gifted the ability to know everything that will ever happen (along with a second head). It's said that he knows the answers to all questions, but if you ask him, [[Troll|both heads give contradicting answers, with no way of knowing which head is telling the truth]], just [http://www.wobblymodelsyndrome.com/comic-80.html Don't ask him his name]. (Then again, there's nothing saying it's the same one lying every time.) So, ask them what your name is first so you know which one is telling the truth.
* Tzeentch's Chaos Marines come with an [[Thousand Sons|Egyptian motif]], and plenty of psykers and Sorcerers. Aside from that Tzeentchian marines are usually warband leaders, their advisors or prominent ambitious champions wishing to become one. Many of them hold their dedication to the Architect in secret, if only to keep their advantage of god's favor over other marines - ambition after all is the big deal for them. Fully Tzeentchian warbands do exist, but they are usually comprised of either complete madman who hear voices, see futures, hear all the lies in the world (simultaneously), can shape-shift or mutate at will or have some other mind-blowing (sometimes literally) "gifts" from the Architect, or body-less drones commanded by extremely powerfull mages, and a few elite commandos armed with psychicly reloading flame bolters (he values quality over quantity). It helps that Tzeentch is likely based on the Ancient Egyptian god Thoth. (also known as Jehuty who has been called a death god by some...)
** FYI, Tzeentch is always looking for [[Soul Drinkers|ways to convert more marines.]]
* Tzeentch's [[Warriors of Chaos|viking followers]] are usually the outcasts and elders of the tribes of the Norsemen rather than being a united group. They like to rock the "evil wizard" look with hooded cloaks and sacrificial daggers to compliment their tentacles and 3 faces on one head.
* He also has a presence in [[Cathay]], and is the only Chaos god who is interested in this country. Cults of Tzeentch are the royal pain in the collective asses for all members of Dragon family and is their biggest threat.
*In AoS, his mortal worshippers are the [[Tzeentch Arcanite]]s. They hide in the cities of Sigmar and Order, slowly amassing power and influence, before rising up in a spectacular display of both Just as Planned and fiery mutated goodness.

==Total War: Warhammer 3==
In the game you must collect the souls of 4 daemon princes, one from each Chaos god, in order to fight Be'lakor and get to Ursun. If you never were a big fan of Tzeentch before, crack your knuckles and prepare to load, load and load some more as his realm is the epitome of randomness. There are portals everywhere, and each one has a chance of taking you to the island where you fight his daemon prince; prepare for mental exhaustion as you roll the dice time and again praying you get to the right island. However, there is a small trick you can do: take pencil and paper or a notepad app and calculate and document which portals you go through and where they take you. Eventually you'll find the right portal to fight Tzeentch's prince, though it will still come down to a healthy dosage of luck. May the odds be in your favor!

Unlike the other gods he doesn't appear at random during his survival battles but his (many) eyes constantly watch from above.

Mechanically, Tzeentch's big gimmick is a barrier that all his mortal and daemonic followers get. It regenerates quickly, but only if the unit goes long enough without getting attacked. This encourages Tzeentch armies to be constantly cycling in and out of combat to regenerate the barrier, and his cavalry and anti calvary units are basically invincible, since getting your cav units in a protracted fight is suicide. Tzeentch also has access to a Teleport stance, which allows you to ignore terrain in the campaign map and guarantee a successful ambush if you use it to attack an enemy, which is something even the Skaven can't manage.

==Facts==
*Sly Marbo is the only person that Tzeench cannot control. That and Creed, that sneaky fucker, who is currently holding a gun to my {{BLAM}}.

* The name Tzeentch was originally going to be "Thence" of Change (which is a six letter anagram of Tzeentch) the TZ was latter added and the name reworked at the suggestion of [[John Blanche]] returning from holiday in Tanzania, where he saw a blue feathered bird performing tricks at the request of a tribal priest named Tuz Tuz.

* Tzeentch is likely inspired by the Ancient Egyptian god Thoth. Thoth was the bird-headed god of writing, science and magic; remember what Tzeentch's Greater Daemons look like.

* Tzeentch explained Chaos to a group of mathematicians. The ones who didn't go insane or start worshipping him came up with Chaos Theory.

* Tzeentch's favorite author changes from time to time. Some of his recurring favorites are Niccolo Machiavelli, Charles Darwin and Michael Crichton.

* A little-known fact: Tzeentch is anon.

* Tzeentch was responsible for the Great Depression and the 2008 financial crisis. Also, the First Gulf War? That was him too.

* Tzeentch does it for the lulz.

* Tzeentch is surprizingly good friends with Doomguy, due to the fact that Doomguy thinks most of his plans are hilarious, and he follows him...also for the lulz. (he got bored of "cleaning out" the Citadel of Brass every day and wanted a change).

* You know when your first puppy died? <s>Tzeentch did that too</s> it might have been Slaanesh.

* Tzeentch (much like [[Sly Marbo]]) knows and sees everything; thusly, he sees you masturbate and knows what fantasies you're having. And he laughs at you (again, much like [[Sly Marbo]]).
** Slannesh used to pay him “good money,” to tell you what you masturbate to, but an "agreement" with Khorne made him stop accepting bribes. (he only took it because Doomguy told him it would further their plans).
* Khorne is Tzeentch's favorite victim for hijinks because of an incident involving Doomguy’s friend Valen’s son being turned into a meat puppet for his and the C'tan's [[Doom|Earth invasion plan]]. The fact that Khorne is very easy to string along is a good bonus.

* Slaanesh is Tzeentch's second favorite victim for his hijinks, because Slaanesh's desire for a new high makes him/her/it very easy to string along, and also because it makes khorne laugh.

* Starscream is a servant of Tzeentch; he's got a huge amount of ambition. Too bad that Tzeentch won't let him succeed until he actually forms a plan instead of just saying "I am the new leader!" if Megatron so much as sneezes.

* Tzeentch is the god of hope among other things, yet he's a lot less friendly than the god of despair. Probably because most every being in the universe has had their fair share of despair and has learned to cope with it, while hope tends to show up just before you get ground into the dirt again. When the Despair-god comes knocking, you open a bottle and sigh, when the hope god shows up, you immediately wonder how you're going to get raped this time.

* Tzeentch has only ever truly lost to two beings: Creed and a [[If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device|little kitten wearing a silver banana armour]].

* Tzeentch is a very morky god due to the fact he could set in motion a string of events that could lead to a lasgun in the back of the head when you aren't looking.

* Tzeentch is the <s>only</s> first contestant to ever be banned from entering Deal or No Deal after winning $1,000,000 9 times in a row.

* During their early days, Tzeentch once put on a magic show for the 3 other Chaos Gods. Among the 3, Khorne asked Tzeentch how he made Nurgle's Plaguefather disappear and reappear beside Slaanesh before their very eyes, which Tzeentch refused to tell and responded with "A good magician never reveals his tricks.", which caused Khorne to burn with unfathomable rage. <s>To this day</s> for over 50,000 years, Khorne had extremely low tolerance for magic users and psykers, which became evident when the [[World Eaters]] killed all their Psykers when they defected to Chaos. Like always, Tzeentch just said "Just as planned".
**Khorne has accutally relaxed this tendency after watching one of Tzeentch's chosen warriors [[awesome|light his sword on fire with his psychic powers]]. the fact that said warrior was Doomguy may have helped a bit...he still hates Zaraphiston though.

* Tzeentch is slightly pissed over the fact how his only representation in DoW are the Pink Horror daemons and the Chaos Sorcerer, unlike Khorne who gets Berzerkers, Chaos Marines chant "Skulls for the Skull Throne!" on attack and how he got an epic unit, the "Bloodthirster" and the fact that he has two Chaos Lords dedicated to him and the fact that his legion shows up in Winter Assault as one of the primary opponents, Khorne then goes on to get Bloodletters, Bloodcrushers, The Chaos Lord, who is the best damn commander in the game (though the Warboss has funnier dialogue) in DoW II, while in contrast, he's stuck with the sorcerer and his marines aren't even Rubrics. Still, better than Slaanesh, who only ever got the Emperor's Children default color scheme throughout the entire series. But now Slaanesh is getting Noise Marines in Retribution, which are sorta like SM Plasma Cannon Devastators. All Tzeentch gets are marks for certain units, which turns everyone of them into tank/infantry raping death machines, especially the generic marines.

* However, in DOWII, Tzeentch is still reveling in the fact how he got [[Scott McNeil]] to voice the generic Chaos Sorcerers again. '''HOWEVER!!!''', the Sorcerer's voice then became more soft, monotonous and unenthusiastic, which '''GREATLY''' angered Tzeentch.

* Tzeentch appears to be GW's least favorite of the Chaos Gods, his units tend to be the worst out of the four Chaos Gods, his stuff gets the least amount of attention, and the least amount of fluff written for him. Hell, there's often cases where despite magic/psykic powers being his specialty, Nurgle and/or Slaanesh give a better selection than he does. (Except for Age of Sigmar, where he's really good.) Arguably not true since 8th given how often Arhiman is used in Chaos armies and Magnus being the best of the Primarchs currently out.

* Some people play chess with reality and manipulate events and people like chess pieces, others play pool/billiards with it, moving things along like a cue ball and cue stick, others play poker with the universe, bluffing and cajoling things to receive favorable outcomes, other play roulette with the cosmos, making all the little movements needed for that lucky roll. But Tzeentch, Tzeentch does it all at once in the nightmarish game of [[Paradox poker|Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker]], or PBVRFDHCSP a game that only a true master of dickery and the ability to perceive the past, future, and present can really play without looking like a massive tool.

* Every Saturday night, Tzeentch gets together with the [[C'tan|the Deceiver]], [[Cegorach]], and the [[Emperor]] for a rousing game of [[Paradox poker|Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker]]. The sheer amount of dickery and [[JUST AS PLANNED]] that goes on during these games is so vast that if you were to watch one of these games, your head would 'asplode into a shower of [[Necrons]], [[Daemon|Daemons]], [[Eldar]], and [[Space Marine|SPESS MEHREENS!]]. Even Khorne is afraid to watch one of these games for fear of his head's un...asplodedness... Nobody ever wins though, (mainly because the Emperor take too long on his turns). Creed was banned from these tournaments after infiltrating queens into the games and somehow rigging the roulette tables beforehand one too many times.

* Tzeentch's favorite characters in Mortal Kombat are Quan Chi, Shinnok and Shang Tsung. Though Tzeentch favors Quan Chi more than the other two due to him being (arguably) the most manipulative bastard in all of Mortal Kombat. Hell, he is mostly responsible for almost all the events that happened. In fact, Quan Chi is considered the most untrustworthy character in all of Mortal Kombat considering that he has chronic backstabbing disorder, constantly lies and never fulfills his promises.

* Tzeentch's favorite Black Library novel is "A Thousand Sons". This is mostly because he relishes over the fact that he is such a magnificent bastard for all the things he did in said novel.

* Tzeentch created [[C.S. Goto|C.S. Multilazor]] to specifically troll Khorne's fluff.

* Tzeentch has planned everything you do, even this. Who knows what this article is distracting you from? Tzeentch does because he's why you're here. Woah! Where do you think you're going? You're leaving, eh? 'Just as planned'...

* Tzeentch didn't write this article. But he set in motion [[Just As Planned|every single event]] that contributed to it. Yes. Even this specific author's decision to write this paragraph.

* And this.

* The one place Tzeentch is afraid to go is the Well of Eternity; he believes that it is the beginning and end of the universe. He was wrong, it is where Sly Marbo lives. To find out what was in there, he sent in expeditions of Lords of Change and Horrors but they never came back out. Finally he just grabbed Kairos Fateweaver, his vizier, and threw him in. Due to lots and lots of [[Just as planned]] Fateweaver survived but was horribly disfigured. Marbo slapped himself for letting that one get away and forced himself to keep doing pushups until a planet the size of Jupiter was split in half as self discipline.

* The [[Warcraft]] and Starcraft franchises' existence are both Tzeentch's doing, he is the one that caused GW to turn down Blizzard's initial offer to make an RTS game. When Fateweaver was interrogated about why Tzeentch did that, the lying head dodged the question and the truth telling one said that there was no reason. Or did it.....

* Created Facebook....regretted it instantly but managed to troll the whole planet by making them buy Oculus Rift, no real logic just to fuck up Oculus's release schedule - It worked just as Planned!

* Contrary to what many would assume, Tzeentch is terrible at RTS games because he can never focus on one goal for a long enough period of time to focus on winning, or least that's the reason he claims why he lost at Supreme Commander to an illiterate [[Ork]] that did nothing but hit random keys the entire game.

* Tzeentch claims that [[Snowflame]] was his doing, arguing who else could be insane enough to create such a character. Slaanesh claims that Tzeentch is lying and that Snowflame is his/her/its doing, but Tzeentch points out that Slaanesh is also a liar, meaning that nobody knows who is lying.

* Tzeentch's realm is guarded by a labyrinth that can only be passed by the mad. It was only defeated once, by a little girl with a small black dog, and even Tzeentch doesn't know how because the guardians refuse to discuss it. This is canon.

* Tzeentch invented Scrappy Doo because he was bored.

* Tzeentch was the first being to create the Death Note. Possibly the one who made the idea of it all and gifted this to the Shinigami themselves.

* Since Tzeentch achieves his goals by having his many plans constantly foil each other and benefiting from the fallout of said foiled plans, this makes him one of the few beings who achieves [[Just As Planned]] as a direct consequence of [[Not as Planned]]. Depending on how you think about it, this means Tzeentch could technically be considered a god of both.

* If the Deceiver and Tzeentch battle and the Deceiver wins Tzeentch actually wins in disguise. and vice versa. and this effect is cumulative. therefore an unending cycle of win or don't win is created there are currently over 9000 such cycles in existence

* Tzeentch has a pet cat that is both [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schr%C3%B6dinger%27s_cat alive and dead].

* Tzeentch can be or be not defeated with the following train of logic.
:* You: So Tzeentch, you are a god of chaos?
:* Tzeentch: Yes.
:* You: So you would say that you are completely unpredictable?
:* Tzeentch: Yes.
:* You: So that means it is predictable that you will be unpredictable?
:* Tzeentch: ...

* Tzeentch is the reason the internet hyperlinks are blue.

* Tzeentch coined the phrase "You activated my trap card".

* Tzeentch created the bug that causes Gandhi to go nuclear in Civilization.

* Greedo shooting first was Tzeentch's doing.

* Tzeentch's favorite Gundam character is Char Aznable, the sheer amount of JUST AS PLANNED that the Red Comet uses put a grin on his face-for a brief moment.

* Tzeentch is the reason the Isekai harem hero was born. He wanted nerds to show off meta knowledge to numerous harem simulations to rub in slaaneshs face that nerds have to use their smarts and wits to get pussy instead of being a rapist or a loser who Slaanesh posses women to have sex with.

* Influenced ''Event Horizon'' to become a prequel to Warhammer 40,000.

==See Also==
*[[Thousand Sons]]
*[[Ballad of the Thousand Sons]]
*[[Thousand Son and Guardswoman]]
*[[The Game (Tzeentch)]]
*[[Rubric Marines]]

==Gallery==
{{promotions}}
<center>
<gallery>
Klaher-baklaher-tzeench.jpg
Image:Just as planned tzeentch.jpg
Image:Tzeentch_lord_of_change.jpg
Image:Tzeentchies.JPG|Tzeentchs followers
File:A_Typical_Sorceror_of_Tzeentch.jpg|A typical sorcerer of Tzeentch.
File:Tzeentchian Cultists.jpg|Pretty much how his cultists operate.
File:TzeentchianDie.gif|Tzeentch's dice change a lot when rolled.
File:TzeentchPinup.jpg|Even your masturbatory habits are just as planned.
Image:Tzeentch's_True_Form.png|This is speculated to be the true appearance of Tzeentch.
Image:1ksons pokeymans.JPG| "I choose ''YOU;'' teach them all that Power demands Sacrifice!!"
File:Tzeentch servant.jpg|Different demon, same thing, or is it? Just as planned!
Image:Tzeentch_mark.png|His Mark. Side effects may include growing extra eyes and rambling about the plans.
Image:Sexualyeti_tzeentch_daemonette.png|A daemonette of Tzeentch drawn by SexualYeti.
Image:69e497e8f2453c415cfc4a91f9e8e20f5eb69fa9.jpg|Lord Tzeentch makes sure all his servents get laid albeit the trick each other and manipulate each other to sleep with one another.
File:R34 Tzeentch 1.png|Tzeentch using the power of boobs and anime.

</gallery>
</center>

{{ChaosGods}}

[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]]
[[Category: Disciples of Tzeentch]]

Prospect

2023-05-16T16:30:47Z

2A0B:F4C2:1:0:0:0:0:1: Small fixes.

{{stub}}
{{topquote|Votann set us amidst the heavens. The Ancestors mastered the void. The darkness between the stars holds no terror for us, for we are as much at home in the vacuum of space as we are with our boots firm upon planetary bedrock.|Grimnyr Yôtunn before the departure of tarvemm's prospect.}}
{{topquote|There's gold in them thar hills| Ancient terran proverb}}

A Prospect is a militarised exploratory & commercial fleet owned by the [[Squats|Squats]]. Various of these prospecting companies exist across the [[Imperium]] and to a lesser extent the [[Tau|Tau Empire]]. These expeditions seek out new mineral and energy deposits, trade routes and other lucrative opportunities for the Kin.

=== Notable Prospects ===
*[[Necromunda|Ironhead Squat Prospectors]]- The Ironheads were invited to Necromunda around M31 in a deal where the squats would receive priviliged mining rights in exchange for their service in repairing the wartorn world. The name of each [[Charter_Master|Chartermaster]] is added to their clans copy of the charter detailing this contract.

*[[Demiurg]] - The "Demiurg" were a prospect wrongly registered as xenos by both the Imperium and the T'au Empire. They formed an alliance of convenience with the T'au and were their first providers of Ion Weapons even so they kept the most advanced of these weapons for their own. Their mindset and physiology is rumored to be alien to that of their old [[Squats|kin]] they have diverged further from their roots than humans under tau rule. To most kin this is [[heresy|abhorrent]] but to others the demiurg are an opportunity to [[Capitalism|profit from trade with a naive species]].

*Gnostari - The Gnostari are an obscure Prospect fleet that was erroneously identified by the Imperium as a xenos species unrelated to the [[squats|kin]]. They are known by the galaxy at large for raiding vessels in the middle of wars.

*Grome - Grome is a vulgar name for the Kin of the Leagues of Votann that has been used by many spacefaring peoples.

*Kreg - The "Kreg" are a Prospect fleet of the Leagues of Votann that is hostile to Imperials and [[eldar|Craftworld Eldar]] their relation to the [[Squats|kin]] is unknown to many and as such they are wrongly classified as xenos.

*Squats of Vordine - The Imperial planet Vordine has a large population of Kin descended from a Prospect they are called [[Squats]] by Imperial authority. They have lived on the planet ever since the start of Imperial records on that world.

Imperial Guard

2023-05-16T16:20:53Z

2A0B:F4C2:1:0:0:0:0:1: They are not australian at all agreed they are not the sons of criminals they ARE criminals forced to fight for a very slim chance of freedom.

{{Awesome}}
[[File:Macharius Charge.png|500px|thumb|right|And his name struck fear into the hearts of men.]]
{{Topquote|Battle is the most magnificent competition in which a human being can indulge. It brings out all that is best; it removes all that is base. All men are afraid in battle. The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty. Duty is the essence of manhood." "Wars may be fought with weapons, but they are won by men.|George S. Patton}}

{{Topquote|When one has two hundred artillery pieces per kilometer of the frontline, he does not report contact with the enemy or ask for whereabouts. He reports successful breakthroughs and asks for further orders.|Attributed to Aleksandr Vasilevsky}}

{{Topquote|Hey guys, they're called Astra Militarum now!|Game Workshop, shortly before everyone proceeded to ignore them.}}

The '''Imperial Guard''' (officially titled the '''Astra Militarum''' as of [[Warhammer 40,000 6th Edition|6th Edition]], ‘cause fuck your original name if GW can't trademark it), also known as [[If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device| '''THE WALL OF GUNS''']], are the foot soldiers of the [[Imperium]] in [[Warhammer 40,000]]. They exist only to fight (and die) gloriously in the [[Emprah]]'s name. [[Commissar]]s (like [[Holt]] and [[Ciaphas Cain]]) ensure that they do so regularly, and any cowards or deserters tend to be summarily executed. During the [[Great Crusade]], the Emperor only intended for them to be [[Solar Auxilia|auxilia]] for his [[Space Marines|SPESS MEHRENS]] (and to man masses of tanks, artillery, and aircraft). After [[Horus Heresy|Horus' little tantrum]] and the [[Second Founding|breakup of the Legions]], trillions upon trillions of humans were drafted to make up for the difference. Although these are, for the most part, mere men and women, they have held the line in the Imperium's wars for 10,000 years. Many consider their dogged perseverance in the face of overwhelming odds to be what makes them so balls-to-the-wall [[awesome]].

It is recommended that you put either [https://youtu.be/CIGHCoVzqtk] or [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhqWHIq-aZw] on loop before reading the rest of this article.

Basically, the Imperial Guard is what happens when you remember that quantity has a quality all its own, and that there is no problem that can't be solved via the application of a sufficient level of [[Dakka|firepower]]. While the elite forces of the Imperium gain all the glory, the Imperial Guard wages war on thousands of fronts with or without support. They are the soldiers of Humanity who fight and die in numbers beyond counting.

Without the Imperial Guard, the Imperium could not exist.

==Overview==
It is worth noting that in a universe where opposing armies include:

* Cults of [[Space Marines|genetically-engineered killing machines]];
* Cults of [[Chaos Space Marines|EVIL genetically-engineered killing machines]], with a variety of sorcerous powers;
* [[Ork|Barbaric super-fungi]] that grow in size and number the more you fight them;
* [[Eldar|Creepy space elves]] with psychic powers, incomprehensible technology, and a habit of materializing out of nowhere;
* [[Dark Eldar|EVIL PIRATE creepy space elves]] that literally get off on making others suffer, whose creative use of slaves makes an agonizing death seem merciful;
* [[Harlequins|Extra creepy space elf clowns]] whose motives are obscure even among the rest of the space elves and make it their collective goal to turn mass slaughter into a literal art form;
* [[Tau|Samurai space communists]] with AI-enhanced battlemechs, infinite firepower and [[Kroot|cannibal dinosaurs]] in tow;
* Endless swarms of [[Tyranid|screeching, hyper-evolved space bugs]] that, combined, spew voracious parasites and corrosive acid from more orifices than most forces have bullets;
* Nightmarish [[Genestealer Cult|hybrid abominations]] that infest the darkest corners of your world until they breed enough thralls to overwhelm your armies and summon the aforementioned space locusts;
* [[Daemon|Extradimensional monsters]] that live to [[Khorne|slaughter]], [[Tzeentch|corrupt]], [[Nurgle|infect]], and [[Slaanesh|violate]] mortal bodies, before tearing out their souls to do it all again, but ''much slower'';
* [[Lost and the Damned|Your former friends,]] having forsaken themselves to the above creatures;
* [[Adeptus Mechanicus|Martian Illuminati]] with ancient war machines, a monopoly on modern technology, and religious objections to humans attached to their original limbs;
* [[Adepta Sororitas|Fanatic warrior nuns]] who can heal themselves through prayer;
* [[Inquisition|A shadowy secret police]] who will have you executed for simply blinking wrong;
* [[Imperial Knight|Multi-story bipedal mechs]] bristling with tank-sundering guns from head to man-crushing toe;
* [[Chaos Knight|EVIL Multi-story bipedal mechs]] bristling with tank-sundering guns from head to man-crushing toe;
* [[Necron|Nigh-immortal zombie robots]] that snuff out stars for kicks;
* [[Leagues of Votann|Cyborg midgets]] with the technology you've long since lost, who will never, ''ever'' forget you;

[[File:Trance.jpg|300px|right|thumb|"Welcome to the jungle, we've got fun and games!"]]
... the foot soldiers of the Imperial Guard take to the field equipped with nothing but [[Flak Armour|flak armor]], [[Lasgun|glorified laser pointers]], a ''highly'' variable amount of training, [[Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer|some toilet paper]], and a pair of Mars-pattern, titanium-plated balls. In truth, a typical Guardsman's equipment is ''significantly'' more effective than the gear fielded by any real-world modern nation. It's just that the threats a Guardsman must face are often incomprehensible in comparison. As such, the Guard makes up the difference with numbers, overwhelming firepower, and sheer nerve.

In many cases the Imperial Guard will function as a sort of galaxy-spanning firefighting force, responding to uprisings, rebellions, and other threats as needed. When a world is threatened by a major invasion, the local PDF is expected use its extensive network of defensive assets to hold the line until external help arrives. In the vast majority of situations, that help will consist of the Imperial Guard. In theory if not always in practice, the arrival of an Imperial Guard army is intended to end any such threats, with or without additional help from specialist formations such as the [[Space Marine]]s and the [[Adeptus Mechanicus]].

It would be a mistake to assume that the Guard's sole purpose is simply to help the PDF hold out until ''even more'' help arrives at some indeterminate point in the future. On the contrary, the Guard's purpose is to ''end the threat''. They are, sometimes quite literally, [[Rough Riders|the cavalry riding to the rescue]].

On that note, there's an important detail to remember here: while the Imperial Guard does indeed perform a defensive role, it is ''also'' the Imperium's primary ground-based ''offensive'' force. When a Crusade is called, it is almost always the Imperial Guard that will provide the vast majority of the Crusade's fighting strength. Depending on the nature of the threat, dozens or even hundreds of regiments will be called up; a fighting strength in the tens of millions would be considered quite ordinary. Vast formations of infantry from varied worlds will be supported by columns of tanks and other armored vehicles, air support, and artillery... very, very large amounts of artillery. The pictures you see in sourcebooks that depict vast numbers of doggedly advancing human soldiers aren't just artistic license- this is ''actually'' how many Guard armies prefer to fight, a sheer wall of firepower stretching from horizon to horizon that nothing can stand against, and against which fancy tactical maneuvering means very little. This is why the Imperial Guard has the nickname, "Hammer of the Emperor."

==Recruitment and Deployment==

Every Imperial world is expected to pay the [[Imperial Tithe]], which is essentially a tax that supports the greater Imperium. This tithe includes the expectation that the world will produce certain goods and resources, that it will comply with Imperial doctrines, and that it will provide a regular levy of soldiers for induction into the Imperial Guard.

The exact amount of soldiery that a world is expected to contribute is based on an arcane formula that even the most wizened member of the [[Administratum]] would struggle to fully explain. Nevertheless, contribute each world must, for a Governor who fails to meet the Tithe will find no sympathy, and risk being branded as a renegade. Aside from this, the quality of the soldiers being contributed is not necessarily important. Many worlds take great pride in drawing new Guard regiments from the best and brightest of their PDF, where such foundings are a matter of great pomp and circumstance. Many of these make a point of contributing Guard levies far in excess of their required tithes. On other worlds, prospective recruits will compete with each other (sometimes bloodlessly, sometimes not) for the right to wage the Imperium's wars. On yet others, the tithe will be filled with undesirables and criminals.

While the exact manner in which a new founding is equipped is not standardized either, it ''is'' expected that the new formation should be ready and able to fight, and the Governor who neglects this requirement risks drawing the ire of the Administratum. Otherwise, the precise character, fighting style, and preferences of the regiment will of course be colored by the world that it was drawn from.

In some cases that are experiencing an active war zone, such as on [[Armageddon]], new foundings will be deployed directly to theaters on their home world. Most often, however, the [[Departmento Munitorum]] will coordinate with the Imperial Navy as to where the regiment goes next. The first stop will often be to a nearby Forge World, where the regiment will receive additional gear, equipment, and vehicles. If they are very lucky, a regiment might even receive one or more super-heavy tanks such as the [[Baneblade]]. All the while the regiment will continue training, while its newly assigned [[Commissar]]s work to stamp out any lingering weakness and disloyalty. Soon enough, the new regiment will find itself deployed in one of the Imperium's endless number of conflicts.

It is important to note that once they are deployed off-world, a Guardsman will never see their home planet again, aside from certain highly rare and unusual exceptions.

A regiment's first taste of combat is often a very difficult crucible, and it is one that many regiments do not survive at all. If it does, then the regiment will continue to be deployed as long as it retains fighting strength. Eventually, a regiment that might once have consisted of thousands of soldiers might be whittled down to only a few hundred survivors, or even down to just a single squad. By then such hard-bitten veterans will often consist of some of the toughest and most experienced soldiers that the Imperial Guard has to offer. These survivors are often folded into another regiment where their talents can be transferred to the greener troops. In other cases, two understrength regiments might be combined to form a completely new regiment with a new founding number. In very rare circumstances, a regiment that has fought with distinction through many, many campaigns will be granted the honor of colonizing a newly captured world. For most guardsmen, this distant and highly unlikely outcome is the only hope for a life after service.

Therefore, although the average frontline Guardsman does not have good odds of surviving his first deployment, some ''do'' survive, and these veteran soldiers may accumulate ''decades'' of experience. They are some of the manliest motherfuckers the Imperium has to offer, capable of putting even the fucking SPESS MEHRENS to shame. Disturbingly, if Imperial Guard tactics advanced from WWI-style warfare (<s>overuse of artillery</s> (modern militaries make use of artillery spam whenever possible) and mass charges against machine guns and tanks) to modern military strategies (such as taking cover and using air/armor/support, which while many elite regiments often do, there’s so much damn variety you can't really have good quality control), the Imperial Guard ''could'' become the most feared army in the whole universe. But '''NO''', that's not [[grimdark]] enough! However, do note that while the Imperium is generally unconcerned with individual casualties, and while some commanders do therefore order their men to charge enemy lines with or without heavy armor/artillery support and regardless of terrain, fluff has also noted that incompetent commanders who are ''wantonly wasteful'' of Imperial resources tend to be weeded out rather quickly by the Commissariat.

Examples of Guardsmen going above and beyond even this inherent badassery, demonstrating the possession of testicles so massive they should be deployed in battle as a separate unit, are plentiful: [[Ollanius Pius]] is one such Guardsman, standing up to fucking [[Horus]] himself (depending on whose canon you prefer). [[Dawn of War]] sees the Blood Ravens running into a pair of Guardsmen who have held their position, without support, in the middle of a combined Chaos/Ork/Eldar invasion, for more than a week. [[Dawn of War II]] has Guardsmen rescued in an earlier mission returning in the finale to provide infantry support while the Blood Ravens launch an attack... on a fucking [[Tyranid]] hive. These same guardsmen (led by the ever awesome [[Merrick|Sergeant Merrick]]) SURVIVE the suicidal mission and fight on for ''ten more years'' against the remnants of the Tyranids/Orks/Eldar. A different group of about 72 loyal Guardsmen also managed to hold out for those ten years. In a frozen wasteland. Surrounded by former comrades taken by Nurgle, bands of Black Legion Chaos Marines, and a growing Daemonic incursion.

Fluff-wise it seems that the Guard's most common methods of war are to use lots of heavy weapons, tanks, and artillery to smash the fuck out of the enemy while Guardsmen mop up the shards of their foe while supported by more heavy weapons, special weapons, and Infantry Fighting Vehicles. So, honestly, the combined arms doctrine of the Imperial Guard is really fucking powerful even without considering their numbers are so vast they could just drown you with their own blood and corpses, and the paper to write the report on for said casualties would be literally not worth the paper. On top of that, their flak armor (which includes flak shirt and flak pants apparently) actually gives pretty good protection against stub weapons and most other mid-tech small arms. Keep in mind that the Imperial Guard are often fighting other humans such as rebels most of the time, who nearly always use stubbers and armor inferior to Guard flak armor. When fighting things that make mince meat of Guardsmen, the Guard tends to utilize concentrations of artillery, air support, tanks, superheavy vehicles, IFVs, and heavy weapons of all kinds to smash the enemy so the infantry merely has to occupy the smoldering crater that once consisted of the enemy's position.

In short... do '''''NOT''''' fuck with the Imperial Guard!

==Standard-Issue Equipment and Knick-Knacks==

It is known that the Imperial Guard is (in)famously known as the dudes in [[Flak Armour|T-shirts]] and [[Lasgun|Flashlights]], but did you know that the 'Guard also carries a bunch of other stuff that may aid his/her's merry journey of murder? Whilst each regiment may differ on what [[count as]] 'standard-issue', what they do share in common however, are a shit ton of equipment that all Guardsmen no matter their background usually lug around with them. These are:

====[[Lasgun]] Weapons Case and Maintenance Kit====
[[File:IIUPLasgun.jpg|400px|right|thumb|Lasgun with accessories.]]
No duh. Your standard-issue flashlight is given to ''all'' Guardsmen upon their first enlistment into the Astra Militarum. Each Lasgun comes inside a weapon's case which in itself contains several accessories inside its maintenance kit such as:

*'''Lasgun''' (Pattern varies): Your standard flashlight you all know and love. The pattern of lasgun varies depending on which regiment you came from, but overall, this is your most trusted friend on the battlefield. Learn to take care of it as it is better to shoot things dead from afar than to kill things up close and personal.
*'''Lasgun Power Pack''': ''THE'' most important part of your Lasgun weapon's case outside of the Lasgun itself. You can't fire a Lasgun if you have no power pack, can you? Each Lasgun always comes equipped with ''one'' power pack to ensure that each weapon is combat-ready from the get-go. The power pack is obviously separated from the Lasgun itself to avoid 'accidental misfires'. In addition to this, each Guardsman is issued with four additional power packs in case the original was either lost, ran out of ammunition, or was damaged.
*'''Long Pattern Bayonet/Combat Knife with Sheath''': Each Lasgun weapon's case comes equipped with the standard-issue butterknife. Like the Lasgun, the knife's pattern varies from regiment to regiment. It always comes in a sheath to prevent accidental self-harm and is always pre-sharpened. Guardsmen can carry the knife as a standalone weapon if they so choose, although some may just attach it to their Lasguns before being forced to bayonet charge a tank. By far the most versatile weapon as it can also be used for non-military roles such as cooking, chopping wood, or making other arts and crafts.
*'''Targeters/Scopes''': Not ''really'' standard-issue but can be requested by your regiment. A targeter or a scope is designed to improve a Guardsmen's accuracy over conventional iron sights. The style of scopes may vary depending on where you're from, but they all serve the same purpose. To be issued a scope, a Guardsman must prove to his superiors that s/he can actually aim for shit as their lensing materials are quite expensive. The ranging accuracy for most scopes/targeters is +/- two metres under most circumstances. The max range of a scope depends on the reflectivity of the target and the environmental conditions at the time of firing. Guardsman who have these neat equipments should always attempt to shoot his/her's target at a 90 degree angle as this is more likely to provide an accurate range (Take note, this is only for conventional Sniper Rifles, Long-Las avoid such a thing due to the nature of lasers). A scope/targeter can have its magnification distance adjusted depending on the shooter's preferences.
*'''Sight Calibrator''': As its name implies, a piece of equipment that allows the Guardsmen to adjust the weapon's sight according to his/her's preference and comfort. May or may not be for a targeting laser attachment, but since no Lasgun actually were seen with such attachments, it can be assumed to be for the standard-issue optic sight. Mostly consists of small tools such as screwdrivers and the like to adjust the aiming reticle, etc.
*'''Sanctioned Cleaning Agent''': As its name implies, it is a bottle of cleaning agent meant to nick away the grime after battle and to improve the lifecycle of the Lasgun alongside your other weapons and tools. Quite important in maintaining the firing lens of a Lasgun as any attached dirt sticking on the Lasgun's lens will flash-vapourise; damaging the lens in the process. Most likely a water-free agent, so you can just dip it on your standard-issue soft-cloth and proceed to clean your weapon so when the day comes for parades, you don't end up looking like a [[murderhobo]].
*'''Oiling Agent''': A small bottle of oil that may or may not overlap with the [[Derp|Bottle of Sacred Oil of Lubrication]], so consider the latter as a spare. An Oiling Agent is used to 'grease-up' your weapons to prevent jamming. Given that the Lasgun has little to no moving parts, it is most likely reserved for your Autopistol.
*'''Bottle of Sacred Unguent of Cleansing''': Somewhat akin to the above mentioned Sanctioned Cleaning Agent. The Bottle of Sacred Unguent of Cleansing is a vial containing a water-free vial that cleanse any dirt or grime on your weapons and equipment. Most likely a superior version of a Cleaning Agent in a sense that it has most likely be 'blessed' to ensure a tip-top shine. Given how religious this bottle sounds, there's definitely a use for this against Warp-like shenanigans such as Nurgle's taint.
*'''Bottle of Sacred Oil of Lubrication''': The aforementioned Bottle of Sacred Oil of Lubrication. Like the Bottle of Sacred Unguent of Cleansing, the Bottle of Sacred Oil of Lubrication is most likely a superior version of your average Oiling Agent that is most likely 'blessed' by a Techpriest. Again, seems to be used against [[Heresy|heretical taint]] whilst also offering better lubrication to your weapons or vehicles.
*'''Tin of Blessed Sealing Wax''': A small metal tin containing solidified sealing wax. It is not a sealing wax meant for Purity Seals however. When heated, the wax would liquefy. Once melted, one can than pour the liquefied wax to 'fix' a broken piece of equipment or seal a written message for communication purposes.
*'''Blessed Soft-Cloth for Swabbing''': Your standard-issue cleaning cloth the size of a large handkerchief. A relatively smooth cloth that makes it great for either cleaning your tools or lubricating your weapons. One of the most important piece of equipment when maintaining your Lasgun, as without it, wear and tear will suffice.
*'''Holy Toolbox with Repair Instruments''': Each Lasgun weapon's case comes with a secondary case in the complete package. This separate case holds the necessary tools needed in case your Lasgun or other weapon breaks down. The toolbox may contain a wrench, screwdrivers, additional screws, additional batteries, spare electrical equipment, hammers, a saw and spare binding agents.
*'''Spare Lasgun Stock''': A spare Lasgun stock that comes with an engraved icon of faith. In case your current gun stock gets damaged, you got a spare around. May come in different style's of gunstock depending on your both your regiment and preferences. Stock may come in plastic, wood, metal or is completely collapsible, it is up to you to mix-and-match.
*'''Spare Lasgun Barrel''': A spare Lasgun barrel engraved with an icon of true-shot. Like the gunstock, this is a spare in case your Lasgun's lens barrel gets damaged or worn out. This spare is there for when you want to still shoot whilst waiting for the [[Administratum]] to offer you a new one.
<gallery>
File:Power_Pack_Lasgun.PNG|Different styles of Lasgun power packs.
File:Bayonets.PNG|An assortment of bayonets.
File:Scopes.PNG|An assortment of scopes.
</gallery>

====[[Autopistol]]/[[Laspistol]]====
[[File:Autopistol_Image.PNG|200px|right|thumb|A standard Autopistol.]]
The ''secondary'' weapon issued by Guardsmen. Depending on the regiment, a Guardsmen after being issued with his Lasgun, would then be issued his sidearm which can either be a Laspistol or an Autopistol. Like its bigger brother, these pistol also come with its own weapon's case although its maintenance have to be shared with it big brother which comes in everything. These are:

*'''Autopistol/Laspistol''': Depending on the regiment as aforementioned, you may be equipped with either the bang-bang or the pew-pew variety of pistols. They all come cleaned and furbished inside their case.
*'''Autopistol Clip''': Each Autopistol comes equipped with a single <s>clip</s> magazine of bullets alongside five additional magazines as standard. Like the Lasgun, the Autopistol and its magazine is separated to avoid a misfiring. Guardsmen may be issued more magazines for their Autopistols if there is enough stock within the regiment's armoury which can be requested via a form to HR. Just pray the [[Administratum]] arrives in time for a entirely new batch of ammo in case the armoury is emptied out.
*'''Muzzle Rod and Swab''': A cleaning rod with cloth that is meant to clean out your Autopistol or any slug-throwing combustion guns. Definitely not meant for the Lasgun as it technically has no rifling. But for conventional slug-throwers, it may come in handy for maintaining and cleaning out any grime stuck inside the barrel; improving its lifespan and weapons safety.
*'''Laspistol Power Pack''': Unlike the Lasgun, it seem that the Laspistol is only offered one power pack to come along with the product. Like its big brother, the power pack is the most important part of the Laspistol and it also comes separate to avoid misfiring. The power pack itself is smaller and weigh dramatically less than its larger brother.

====[[Grenades & Explosives|Grenades]]====
[[File:Frag_Grenade_Internal.PNG|120px|right|thumb|An internal of a Frag Grenade.]]
Like all regiments, each Imperial Guardsmen is equipped with several grenades. The type of grenade may differ depending on what squad the Guardsmen would be enlisted as. All Guardsmen will be trained with practice grenades before they are entrusted in throwing around these explosives around. These grenades are:

*'''Frag Grenades''': In mix-standard teams within a [[Infantry Squad]], the Frag Grenade is the most common type of grenade a Guardsmen would be issued. S/he will be given four grenades maximum, although more can be requested via filling out a request form and with approval from senior officers.
*'''Krak Grenades''': For teams specialising in anti-armour offensives. They will be issued a Krak Grenade instead. Like their frag counterparts, four grenades seem to be the optimum for each Guardsmen.
*'''Melta Bomb/Demolition Charge''': For [[Breacher Squad]]s, one member may be in charged with a single Melta Bomb or Demolition Charge for anti-tank and demolition purposes. They are heavier than usual and require special training and expertise to master. Not really standard-issue all things considered.
<gallery>
Grenades_and_Bombs.PNG|List of explosives your typical Joe would carry.
</gallery>

====Armour and Clothing====
[[File:Uniform.PNG|150px|right|thumb|Fig 1.1 Your average Guardsmen. A dude in a shirt.]]
Outside of his weapons, clothing is the most important piece of equipment that every Guardsmen must have. You ain't gonna go out fighting on Valhalla butt-ass naked now would you? Again, the type and style of clothes differ by regiment. Some like the [[Scintillan Fusiliers]] treat their fatigues with higher value than their lasguns whilst others like the [[Catachan Jungle Fighters]] scoffs at fatigues and go completely bare-chested. The list of attire are:

*'''Combat Fatigue/Dress Uniform''': The first piece of clothing that nearly all Guardsmen wear. Uniforms or fatigues are mass produced in order that the countless number of Guard regiments will be equipped quickly and efficiently. Typically, uniforms or fatigues are made from hard-wearing fabrics designed to resist all types of environments passively. They need to be proven hardy in the field and resistant to snags and tears. Nevertheless, overtime, clothing just simply deteriorate either through combat or frequent usage so spares are always up for order. In peacetime or in parades, they can be used to show off the regiment's discipline and all-round [[Awesome|awesomeness]].
*'''Shirt and Undershirt''': Your ''actual'' t-shirts. Literally. This is what most Guardsmen wear beneath their fatigues or uniforms. They are made from light fabric like cotton or linen and is designed for maximum comfort. The Catachan Jungle Fighters if they are forced to wear something on their torso, would usually opt for a shirt rather than fatigues to show off their bulky muscles.
*'''Flak Armour''': You know'em, you love'em. Everyone's favourite cardboard armour is issued throughout the Imperium. Like all things in the Guard, the style of Flak Armour differs from regiment to regiment. But overall they are the most important piece of equipment outside the Lasgun as the Flak Armour provides ''some'' form of protection. Whilst it won't do too hot against direct impact from anything above WW2-levels of firearms, it does provide an adequate form of defense against shrapnel. Given that in modern warfare, artillery shrapnel is one of the highest form of casualties, this is actually quite important for the Guard.
*'''Helmet with Micro Bead Pick-Up''': Each Guardsmen is issued with a standard-issue Flak helmet with micro beads attached. Other than for head protection, the micro bead is important for communication purposes without the Guardsmen making a sound. Micro beads essentially translates the vibrations of your throat and transmit that as sound without saying a single word. Very useful for stealth operations.
*'''Dog Tags''': Works the same way we have here today. A metal necklace that shows the Guardsman's regiment, squad, name, date of birth and place of birth. Whilst most Guardsman would never really get the chance to have their dog tags retrieved once they kick the bucket, their superiors should at least have the acumen to dot down who they lost over the years and send it to the Administratum for records keeping.
*'''Socks''': No sane Guardmen want to go out in the battlefield with chilblains or frostbite on their dinky toes now do they? Each Guardsmen is issued four pairs of socks that are dried and neatly packed. Each pair of sock needs to be washed if possible and dried to prevent trench foot or any other feet-related ailments. Socks are made of some form of thick, warm fabric like wool or cotton.
*'''Undergarment''': Your [[/d/|bras, panties and underwear]]. Used to keep your manly and womanly bits from flailing around awkwardly in your trousers and to keep them supported and warm. Like socks, they need to be washed as soon as possible to avoid cases of crotch rot.
*'''Greatcoat/Rain Overalls''': Some Guard regiments are known to issue greatcoats or rain overalls to either keep their cannon fodder warm and dry during winter and the like. They are made of thick, heavy and sometimes waterproof fabric to ensure maximum warmth. The complete opposite of the shirt. [[Valhallan Ice Warriors]], [[Vostroyan Firstborn]]s, [[Armageddon Steel Legion|Armageddon Steel Legionnaires]] and the [[Death Korps of Krieg]] love the shit out of them.
*'''Combat Boots and Laces''': Standard-issue military boots meant to be rugged enough to survive in nearly any ground. Each boot is fashioned to ensure comfort for the Guardsmen's feet and comes in three sizes. Each boot is ensured to be waterproof and hard wearing, with each pair expected to last for a while. Like nearly everything else, a combat boot may differ from regiment to regiment. Cadia for example have boots made of rigid hard leather that protects the upper ankle and steel plates that protect the shins; they are called ankle-breakers. Meanwhile, Valhalla favours a rigid, heavily insulated boot with particularly sharp crampon-like grips on the soles. Whilst Attila and Tallarn favour a flexible-soled, lightweight boot that allows the foot to breathe through semo-permeable membranes within the boot's fabric. All combat boot boxes comes with additional spare laces in case the original was damaged or lost.
*'''Leg Gaiters''': Tl;dr, these are leg warmers. Largely used during snowy operations and therefore, are popular for snowy regiments like the Valhallans, leg gaiters offer an additional form of warmth around the ankle regions as a normal sock ain't cutting it. Not really that standard, but the Administratum just slaps every Guardsmen with one just in case.
*'''Webbing''': Every Guardsmen going into battle requires quite a lot of kit to carry around with. To do so in a ergonomic factor, each Guardsmen would be issued a form of combat webbing that allows a great deal of equipment to be layered onto the chest rig or backpack whilst leaving the arms free to fight. Typically, the front face of the webbing is fitted with pouches whilst the inside is fitted with mesh that forms a map pocket and has space for an additional two standard-issue Lasgun power packs. Combat webbing can be worn over Flak Armour or alone and has several hooks for grenades or entrenching tools.
*'''Belt and Holsters''': Every Guardsmen is given a standard-issue leather belt and a holster to ensure their big boy/girl pants don't accidentally drop down to their knees during inspection day and that their sidearm stays in place. Useful to avoid a wardrobe malfunction but also useful for the local [[Commissar]] or officer to use one as a makeshift flogging equipment.
*'''Bandolier''': Whilst regiments are all given bandoliers to hold additional ammunition, some regiments like the Catachan Jungle Fighters are obsess with them. Being a bunch of [[LARP|Rambo cosplayers]] is no surprise given how useful a bandolier is for holding additional ammo whilst looking [[Awesome|absolutely baller in the process.]]
*'''Field Rucksack with Straps''': Everyone's companion. This large canvas sack backpack holds all your necessary goodies to ensure a Guardsmen isn't completely fucked on duty. It can provide enough room for MREs, field equipment, trenching equipment, spare ammo, repair equipment and sleeping materials. You don't wanna lose one.
<gallery>
Flak_Chest.PNG|Chest piece of a Flak Armour.
Helmet.PNG|Flak Helmet, standard issue.
Micro_Bead.PNG|Micro Bead, comes standard with said helmet.
Boots_and_Sock.PNG|Combat boots and socks. Number one vector of the [[Poxwalkers|Walkingpox.]]
Webbing.PNG|Webbing, for when you want to [[LARP]] as Rambo.
Backpack.PNG|Field rucksack/backpack carrying all your needs.
</gallery>

====Survival Equipment====
[[File:UpliftingPrimer.jpeg|150px|right|thumb|Everyone's favourite used toilet paper.]]
Guns and armour isn't the only thing a Guardsmen needs. Here, all forms of survival equipment is important for him/her to survive beyond the safety of civilization. Such equipment includes:

*'''[[Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer]]''': Everyone's favourite standard-issue <s>toilet paper</s> booklet. Every Guardsman is issued one and they are expected to read this thing down to the T. Every piece of survival tips and tricks, alongside useless propaganda is written down in the book. A mix-bag all things considered but is better than nothing. It is also the ''one'' piece of equipment that a Guardsman must '''NEVER''' bring with him/her on the battlefield for fear of it falling to the enemy's hands. Although to be honest, what useful info they may glean over would be as important as real-life toilet paper.
*'''[[Imperial Munitorum Manual]]''': Not as common as the Primer but orders of magnitude more useful. The Imperial Munitorum Manual is a booklet that goes in-detail towards the functionality of the [[Departmento Munitorum]], the list of equipment and how to maintain them, the list of punishments expected if breached, and the hierarchical structure of the Imperium wit-large. Again, not as common as the Primer, but when available, it usually comes with the complete package.
*'''Combat Ration Packs''': Hmmm...sweet lovely food. Every Guardsmen is expected to carry around five units of Combat Ration Packs (CRP). They are designed to sustain a soldier directly engaged in combat or under military training. Useful when normal food services aren't available, their long shelf-life and caloric-dense nutrition makes them an important part of a Guardsmen's survival. The CRP consists of a full meal packed in a flexible meal bag. The full bag is lightweight and easily fits within a Guardsmen's pockets. Each meal bag contains a nutrient-rich compound as well as foods designed to enhance the energy levels and stamina of a Guardsmen. Whilst it is theoretically safe to eat from the get-go, most Guardsmen like theirs cooked. CRP can be cooked traditionally or through a flameless heater via chemical reactions with water.
*'''Portable Hexamine Stove/Flameless Heater Pack''': When cooking CRPs or food caught by the Guardsmen themselves. They can cook their food through a standard-issue collapsible and portable Hexamine stove. These miniature stoves use solid fuel to heat up the food or beverage until the Hexamine tablets are used up. Some are also fitted with an adapter to hold a canteen or cup. Each stove comes with eight tablets in a waxed box, although sometimes a tinder box is issued as well. Although there are complaints that the fuel might be toxic or smells like shit, most Guardsmen can't complain too much as it is a convenient way to cook food on the go. If behind enemy lines, the light coming from the stove or the smoke used to burn up gathered materials may attract enemies. So a Guardsmen is also issued the aforementioned flameless heater pack that uses water as a pyrotechnic heating mechanism which lasts for fifteen minutes. Simply put the meal bag inside the heater pack, fill it with water and shake it until it chemically activates.
*'''Magnocular''': A binocular by any other name. The magnocular is meant for surveying purposes. Some magnoculars are compact and lightweight, but most are bulky and heavy. Magnoculars offer high light transmission and optical performance, enabling a Guardsman to view objects at a great distance away. Magnoculars are rubber armoured, shockproof and waterproof and can withstand the harshest battlefield conditions.
*'''Rebreather/Gasmask with Mk VIII Filter''': Gas masks for all intents and purposes. Rebreathers are used in environments that are too toxic to breath in. Depending on the type of engagement, some rebreathers merely covers the mouth and nose in near-Terran like atmospheres, but others like the gasmask with the Mk VIII Filter that filters out toxic particles cover the entire face in truly hell hole conditions. The Kriegers and the folks from the Steel Legion has an absolute hard-on for these things.
*'''Tent Kit''': Each Guard Squad is expected to have one member be the tent carrier. He/she carries the necessary materials to build a tent for everyone to sleep in. The tent kit includes the tent, several collapsible stainless steel poles, tensile rope, pins, a hammer and adhesive tape to fix any potential damages to the tent. The kit is designed to be as lightweight as possible whilst still being big enough to house a three-five men team.
*'''Medi-Pack''': Every Guardsmen is issued a portable medi-pack which is something like a convenient narthecium in a bag. Every Guardsmen is expected to be trained in various ways to alleviate injuries of various kinds through military practise although each squad must have a designated medic. The design of the medi-pack can range from a small medical kit to a complex scanning devices depending on the original source of the regiment and the planet's technological base. Basic medi-pack kits will usually contain drugs and bandages to treat a variety of injuries and illnesses, such as cataplasm patches, contraseptics, gauze/bandages, sterilised vein clamps, lotion of embalm, phials of morphia X4 (Space morphine), sterilising fluid of cleaning, cleansed surgical grapple, sanctioned insect repellent, and [[Anal circumference|blessed lotions, acid, alkali, medicinal tonics, tablets and internal cleansers for enema administration.]] More advance models might include a diagnostic Cogitator with bio-scanner and probes to determine the patient's ailments. The most advanced types, available to the elite of the Imperium, can include cast sprays, tox wands, synthskin applicators and more.
*'''Surveyor Gear''': Surveyor gears are piece of equipment used for tracking and mapping purposes so you know where the hell you're going and avoid accidentally entering the firing range of a Basilisk. The most common type of gear are Auspex Surveyor Units that can register varying levels of background radiation, infrared signatures and electromagnetic emissions to discover enemy troops. They are simple to operate and require only rudimentary intelligence to read. All a Guardsman has to do is simply point the Surveyor Unit in the general direction and pull the trigger to tell him/her the information to his/her's squad. The screen then displays the machine's findings as coloured dots on the slate (Red for hostile, blue for friendlies) in the various range bands (Ten metre increments).
*'''Orientation Gear''': The ''other'' piece of equipment that is designed in making sure your average Joe won't end up stumbling inside a Tyranid's nest. Orientation gears are your maps and compasses. They allow a Guardsman a better understanding on the battlefield they are on and where to go. The compass is accurate, rugged and reliable, being both waterproof and shockproof due to being encased in steel with metal hinges. The compass also comes with a built-in magnifying lens, finger loop and cord lanyard. Particularly 'advanced' models of compass may be fitted with chemical fluorescence vials, allowing the compass to be read at night.
*'''Mess Kit''': The things your average Joe eats from. Each mess kit from the Guard is constructed from enamelled steel and contains everything they need to prepare and serve. They are small, lightweight and very portable and their design differs from regiment to regiment. A Cadian version for example, contains a skillet, a small kettle, a plate, a cup and a Swiss army knife-style cutlery. The handles of these appliances are foldable to save space and can be detached to use with other cookware. The lids of each container can be used for preparing, cooking and/or eating and usually come in two or three pieces. Moreover, to complement the kit, Cadian mess kits use a specially moulded cup that fits over the bottom of the standard litre canteen for anything that requires a deep pot such as boiling water.
*'''Sleeping Equipment''': Do I have to spell it out? Each Guard regiment is given a quilted sleeping bag with blanket that tapers towards the end. Most of these bags are quilted with feathers that provide insulation against the cold, although some regiments is known to use synthethic materials instead. The outer layers of a sleeping bag must provide a high degree of tearing strength and must be waterproof. Some sleeping bags may incorporate hoods and are sometimes embellished with extra layers to allow [[/d/|more than one person to share the bag.]]
*'''Hygiene Kit''': No one and their mothers want to have a Guard regiment smelling like an [[Ogryn]] during parade day, so every Guardsmen is expected to be given a hygiene kit to look down and proper. Each kit comes with a bar of hard soap, dry scrub brush, shaving brush, razors, abrasive tooth cleaning paste and a tooth brush, alongside a sharpening stone to sharpen a Guardsman's bayonet for shaving purposes. Moreover, the kit comes with delousing powder that can be used to eradicate most forms of parasites or leeches. Although care must be taken as the powder is caustic and shoud be avoided around the groin or eyes. Some hygiene kits such as the Cadian pattern also includes a anti-fungal powder and anti-lice gel that should be employed regularly to ensure the prevention of the spread of diseases.
*'''Entrenching Tools''': Everyone's favourite shovel is listed under here. Entrenching tools are multi-purposed and can be used for a wide variety of things. This includes building trenches, planting seeds for food, burrying bodies or using it as a makeshift weapon. They have a foldable stock which allows a Guardsman to fit them in a nice, compact form and save space. The most well known of these shovels are the [[Miscellaneous_Weapons#9-70 Entrenching Tool|9-70 shovel]] which has its edge either sharpened or serrated. Kriegers hug these in their sleep.
*'''Hand Axe''': A [[Basic Close Combat Weapons#Axe|small hand axe]] is given to each Guardsmen for largely non-military purposes such as chopping wood, clearing trees or vines and cutting up meat. Pretty damn versatile and can be used as a makeshift weapon in case your bayonet breaks or you run out of ammunition. It is often made of stainless steel or ceramics.
*'''Lamp-Pack''': Each Guardsmen is also issued a lamp-pack. Now this may resemble a typical lamp to your typical flashlight (No, not ''that'' [[Lasgun|Flashlight]], ''the other one''). It is a primary light source for night patrols and is often powered via batteries. Should not be used behind enemy lines for obvious reasons.
*'''Anti-Contaminants''': Pretty important stuff when it comes to purifying the waters or killing parasites. Whilst each Guardsman is expected to carry a canteen filled with water, sometimes you run out and the next avaliable source of water is in the toilets. This is where this kit comes in handy. To avoid sudden case of [[Nurgle|explosive dirrahea,]] each Guardsman is issued with water purification tablets made from salt in the kit which would kill most virulent pathogens. Although drinking such purified water is unpleasant (Think soda water with the taste of salt), it is better than the alternative. The kit also contains vials of iodine which when taken orally, prevents 99% of the damage to the thyroid gland before being exposed to radiation.
<gallery>
Ration_Packs.PNG|Combat ration packs. Yum yum.
Collapsible_Stove.PNG|Portable hexamine stove, a convenient way to heat up your instant noodles.
Magnoculars.PNG|Magnoculars. I spy with my little eye.
Rebreather.PNG|Rebreathers, for when you're finding it a bit difficult to breathe.
Gas_Mask_Filter.PNG|A gas mask, for when you're breathing in [[Krieg]].
Medi-Pack.PNG|A medi-pack with its accessories.
Medi-Pack_Model.JPG|Krieg medi-pack model.
Surveyor_Gear.PNG|A surveyor gear, the motion tracker of 40k.
Orientation_Gear.PNG|An orientation gear console.
Compass.PNG|A compass, part of the orientation gear.
Map_IG.PNG|A map, another part of the orientation gear.
Mess_Kit.PNG|A Cadian issued mess kit.
Hygiene_Kit.PNG|A hygiene kit with its complimentaries.
9-70 Entrenching Tool.PNG|The 9-70 Entrenching Tool, everyone's favourite shovel.
Anti-Contaminants.PNG|Anti-Contaminants with all its accessories.
</gallery>

==Fluff and stuff==

Dan Abnett and the Guard’s latest Codex turned the IG into gods of mechanized warfare, though they still suck compared to 8-foot-tall Daemonic killing machines with chainaxes. To be fair, though, that's like comparing a sedan to a tank. How are you NOT supposed to suck against things that can slice through meter-thick speshul-steel armor like so much cheese?

The cold, hard truth of the matter is that the lowest currency in the Imperium is human life. Whereas the modern day commander would sacrifice expensive equipment (a cruise missile ain't cheap) to save even a single life, in the grim darkness of the far future, emphasis on civilian morale and "leave no man behind" ideals would screw up an already overtaxed bureaucratically fucked Munitorium. Instead, commanders do risk assessment. They're not going to devote resources just to save one lowly grunt if they will expend resources more expensive in return. Although to be fair, commanders who make these decisions know the moral implications of what they're doing while the Imperium treats this as a perfectly normal act.

[[File:Lord Solar Macharius.jpg|250px|left|thumb|"The meaning of victory is not to defeat your enemy but to destroy him, to eradicate him from living memory, to leave no remnant of his endeavors, to crush utterly his every achievement and remove from all record his every trace of existence. From that defeat no enemy can ever recover. That is the meaning of victory."]]

A bit of maths, if you will. According to one calculation of the frequency of Hive Worlds, there are 32,380 Hive Worlds in the Imperium. The average population of these worlds is around 200 billion each. We put these together and we get 6.476E15 (6,476,000,000,000,000 or 6.476 Quadrillion) people on Hive worlds ALONE. Eventually there would be more human babies than there would be lasguns coming out of the Forge World assembly lines. So now you see why humans are worth so little. But this also means that once they get their ass in gear and onto the battlefield, they ALWAYS win, because they have practically unlimited manpower and resources. Compare it to water bashing against rocks. A few gallons won't do jack, but countless billions of tonnes crashing down on it WILL destroy it in a surprisingly short amount of time. Apply actual tactics, and it becomes [[rape|even more effective]] (Do keep in mind, it's not like they commit trillions of troops to one battle. The Imperium frequently has to withdraw, but it's like saying "We lost the battle, BUT NOT THE WAR!").

In fact, it is point-blank stated numerous times that guardsmen are way cheaper than their lasguns, because there are far more Hive Worlds to ''produce'' humans than there are Forge Worlds to produce lasguns. And to add more grimdark, the Imperium lost numerous forge worlds and mining worlds during the [[Time of Ending]], so there are even fewer lasguns and cardboard jackets coming from assembly lines. The [[Death Korps of Krieg]] have a specific guy who runs around battlefields shooting the wounded and collecting their gear (as well as blood and organs to fix those who still can be saved to fight next day).

Sometimes this creates a disparity with other parts of the setting, as an example, games and art with Hive Gangers make it clear that they can be better equipped and armed than Guardsmen, including varieties of ammunition (such as exploding bullets) and [[Rage|fucking powered exoskeletons and thunder/power weapon equivalents]].

Think of the Red Army from the Hollywood movie [[wikipedia:Enemy at the Gates|Enemy at the Gates]]: Soviet Russia there had a fuckton of soldiers to draw from, but many were not issued spare ammunition or even rifles, and were expected to loot supplies off dead bodies. On an individual level the Germans had the obvious advantage, but send in enough cannon fodder to keep them pinned inside they city, then cut them off, and they eventually cracked.

But what the Imperium does have going for itself is the individual heroism of its protectors. The Guard bears countless heroes, without whom the Imperium would have fallen ages ago. Notable heroes of the Imperial Guard include: [[Ollanius Pius]], [[Straken]], [[Creed|CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED]], [[Lord Solar Macharius]], [[Ciaphas Cain|Ciaphas Cain HERO OF THE IMPERIUM]], [[Vance Motherfucking Stubbs]], [[Yarrick]], [[Sly Marbo|SLY FUCKING MARBO]], [[Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt| Colonel-Commissar fething Ibram Gaunt]] and countless others. These extraordinary men and women inspire the masses around them to truly heroic deeds, and through those deeds, ensure that the Imperium will never falter. Which is kind of weird since the setting is supposed to be one in which everyone is worthless and heroes have no impact.

==Play Style==
[[File:Glory.jpg|300px|right|thumb|Men of the Brimlock Eleventh, fighting on Voor against Orks. Note the [[Judge Dredd]] pattern frown.]]

The Imperial Guard are notorious for their SIGAOD methodology: Shooty Imperial Guard Army Of Doom for the less than nerdy. The basic lasguns are downright pathetic, but can [[Dakka|still be effective if used en masse]], and we mean ''en masse''. The effect is a little like how cavemen throwing rocks could still be a threat to fully armored knights. It only takes one lucky shot and they don't stop shooting until they get lucky. Scientifically speaking, the lasguns are strong enough that they damage most materials, even Space Marine powered armor. It's just so minor against most foes that it doesn't matter. Until you get a hundred guys shooting at one target. Then it matters pretty damn quickly. Add in special weapons and heavy weapons and indirect fire like mortars all blazing away at an enemy and... yeah. Also, a lasgun used with precise aiming is quite lethal as you can devastate any vulnerabilities of a target easily. For example, the Vostroyan Firstborn are famous for their great precision and it shows in the massive kill-counts they rack-up. Who the fuck knows why that isn't a requirement for Guardsmen but it's probably because some goober in charge didn't notice and so never mentioned it in a memo to who-cares.

The IG has loads of vehicles. ''Loads'' of vehicles. Most of them are fairly cheap and pretty good for what you pay for, so it is quite easy for IG armies to have half a dozen vehicles or more in a medium-sized game. There are 4 principal IG ground vehicles of note:
* First is the [[Chimera Transport|Chimera]], which is the basic IG troop transport. In modern terms, it would be considered an Infantry Fighting Vehicle, not a mere APC. It is not particularly fast, but it is reasonably durable, it has good firepower, it's cheap, and the passengers can still shoot while inside. Bread and butter. It's also used as the chassis for various other vehicles. Overall it's far more useful than the [[Rhino]].
* The second is the iconic [[Leman Russ Battle Tank]]. It is in every way a solid, dependable warhorse. Key features include the BFG on the turret (that can potentially fire twice per turn as of 8th Edition), the optional heavy weapon sponsons, and the completely exposed engine in the rear. Apparently, they ran out of badass when they designed it. It is a very tough nut to crack.
* Third is the [[sentinel|Sentinel]]. It's a support walker, and while not generally as effective as the other big 3, it earns its place by virtue of utility. The sentinel can serve as a reliable escort and scout while also providing useful fire support. Featuring a decent variety of weapon options, it is also a cheap way to add Hunter-Killer missiles. It's hard to go wrong by taking a Sentinel.
* The last vehicle of note is the [[Basilisk Artillery Gun|Basilisk]]. Apparently, some tech-priest decided to take a Chimera, rip out the turret and troop compartment, and bolt on the biggest piece of artillery he could fit on it. The Earthshaker Cannon is far more powerful than even the BFG they stuck on the Leman Russ and has much longer range. No game of WH40k has been played where a target has been out of range of the Basilisk.

The four vehicles above are only a small selection of what the Guard has to offer, but they are all pretty reliable workhorses for most builds and strategies. Most other vehicles are specialized variants of the above, being largely situational units.

Let's not forget the Deathstrike Missile, which GW used to give UNLIMITED RANGE. Players have called up GW stores the next town over and told them that they're dropping a Deathstrike in the middle of whatever battle is closest, and they've accepted. ''The Range is 200" as of 8th edition, but 16 feet is still ridiculous.''

Also of note is 6th Edition's contribution of flyer units. The IG has the most non-apocalypse flyer units in 40k, and while some of them are absolutely useless for anything but flavor, some of them kick all kinds of ass. Triple twin-linked Lascannon, twin-linked Punisher Gatling cannons, or a flying tank-busting mega-bolter kinds of ass to be specific. Rape from above.

In summary, the Imperial Guard wins by having firepower, cannon fodder, and lots of both, transported in a massive variety of [[METAL BOXES]].

Unfortunately for the Guard, though, the Imperial Navy has a bad habit of taking ships that were designed to launch atmospheric craft in support of the Guard (such as Marauders) and instead sticks void combat attack craft inside (such as Furies) them. The result of this is painfully obvious if you're a Guardsman on the ground. Not to say they don't have air support, but that their air support has a presence that is completely at odds with the number of atmospheric fighters and bombers a ship can carry. The Navy literally fits whatever atmospheric fighters and bombers they can into whatever excess space remains after putting their Furies and Starhawks into hangers designed for holding countless Lightnings, Thunderbolts, Marauders, and Avengers, instead. Grimdark? Yep. Thanks to [[Roboute Guilliman]]'s reforms, the inability of Guard to fight at maximum efficiency (or make it to their destination in time without borrowing civilian transport ships) is kinda the point - it makes revolt much harder, and he didn't care if countless Imperium worlds would go to shit thanks to this, to exclude the possibility of [[heresy]] was much more important. Of course, the reason why a third of the Imperial Army rebelled was due to the Imperium violently conquering their worlds. Fortifying and consolidating conquests post-Heresy would have helped prevent rebellion and Administratum control (it was efficient back then) would have prevented the populace from feeling rebellious because their lives would be great. Damaging the Guard only prevented them from doing their job and really, any rebellious Guard regiments would be (and usually are) quickly annihilated by the loyalists surrounding them. Generally, they steal transports and Chaos forges provide plenty of aircraft for them. Defeating the point of weakening the Imperial Guard and actually making rebel regiments stronger.

Enter the Hydra. The only tank designed to take out aircraft. That is BADASS. Screw the navy. Hell, some regiments have a Leman Russ for every infantry squad! Do that with Thunderbolts or Lightnings in addition to the Russ and... yeah, epic stomp.

It's not inaccurate to think of tanks in the Guard as the actual infantrymen and as the footsloggers as supplemental.

So what's the catch? First thing, the Guard are quite good for what you pay for point-for-point, but they aren't exactly renowned for their individual resilience in the same way Astartes or Necrons are: Guardsmen are just T3 and 1W with a measly 5+ Sv provided by their flak vests, so most anti-infantry fire will turn them into red paste. This effectively requires you to bring infantry in bulk; in most other armies (Orks and Tyranids not withstanding), 70 infantry models would be a fairly large amount but for the Guard, that's a paltry figure and you can reasonably expect all of those guys to be dead by the end of round two. Their tanks fare somewhat better - the Leman Russ is their iconic mainstay and has T8 and 12W and a nice +2 Sv so it can shrug off a lot more than the flimsy infantry squads, but lacking any native invuls or FNP or other tricks to mitigate damage, the tanks will still go boom if dedicated anti-tank concentrates hits on them.

As anti-infantry massacre your squads in short order and anti-tank wrecks your vehicles in short order, this encourages a combined-arms approach to play. As in modern military strategy in real life, synergy between different arms working together is vital to your success. The Imperial Guard suffer greatly from good target selection on the enemy's part and it can be tricky to deny their efforts. Sadly this means the Guard are an army where you can still lose even if you do everything right. For example, should an Eldar player snipe your key officer with Rangers, blow up your artillery with Fire Dragons or get some Banshees or Wraithblades in your infantry line, you are in deep... and even one of those things happening can ruin your game in the long run (Eldar due to their extreme specialization are perfectly placed to exploit destroying Imperial Guard keystone units which is why they are traditionally a bad matchup for Guard, but it's not just them, many other armies definitely have the tools to put you in this situation). Ultimately, Guard is an army where you have a unit that can answer any situation but you'll have to get used to the idea of taking casualties and making sacrifices, and get smart at picking which vital unit is ''least'' vital to your long-term success.

It is also worth noting that anything even remotely optimized for close combat (Orks, Khorne, Drukhari, etc.) is going to through your infantry line like shit through a goose if they get within arm's reach, and only a handful of Imperial Guard units are kind of capable in close combat themselves - Ogyrns, Bullgryns, Sentinel Powerlifters, Assassins and some characters like Straken will do a bit of work, but they certainly won't stop a smash captain. Remember your key strength in this army is reliable firepower and sheer numbers, so using fodder Guardsmen as screening units for the big guns is your best bet. Guardsmen with proper support from buffs and orders can ''sometimes'' handle low-tier GEQs like Guardians, Fire Warriors and Termagaunts but it's a wasted effort most of the time.

==Steel Balls, Then and Now==
[[File:Marines and ig.jpg|thumb|The Imperial Guard back in the [[Warhammer 40,000: Rogue Trader|Rogue Trader]] days, a Guardsman pulling a wounded Space Marine to safety, proving they were badass even back in the first edition. <s>holy shit is that a [[Squat]] in the background</s>|250px]]
In the ancient days of /tg/ before the Great Purge of 2009, the running meme for the Guard was that they had "steel balls", and it was well-deserved. In 4th edition and most editions prior, the Guard were stuck in the awkward position of being the Imperium's first line of defense, but were also obligated to be objectively worse than everyone at everything. The Guard were like the little brothers to the Space Marines, and when the Marines got a tank that had spearheaded human dominance for millennia, the Guard got a hand-me-down tank that used to be a tractor. This constant relegation, coupled with the Guard's system of shooting anyone who backed down from a fight, gained them a reputation as being patently badass against all odds. Everyone was a bully to them, and yet they stood up tall and spat in every bully's face!

But in 5th edition, Robin Cruddace took the helm for writing the Imperial Guard, and since it was his personal army and these were the days of "Spiritual Liege" writing, the Guard have shaped into bullies themselves. Since that time, the Guard have been able to field some of the most devastating weapons the game has to offer, with the largest armored battalions, to create some of the most frustrating meta environments possible. Tanks variants were also introduced that allowed the Leman Russ to escape the thumb of the Space Marines, so the "little brother" stigma came to a close. In fact it's now treated as a major crunch advantage to have access to some of the Guard's armory and design structure, and any competitive list will take the Guard meta into consideration. It's a foregone conclusion that they'll be in the upper tiers of play.

While it is logical that Space Marines would become an auxiliary to the Guard given the lore, and their sheer numbers set victory by attrition to be assured in the long run, the factions that would rival them based on the stories (though would lose strategically due to Imperial manufacturing power and organization) haven't held up well on the table. Orkz, the most militant and numerous combatants in the galaxy, have spent many long years suffering from poor accuracy and inane tactical pigeon-holes. It was, for example, standard procedure for Ork players to kill tanks by punching them because it's easier to have Orkz run after a moving vehicle than it is to get Tank Bustaz to shoot straight. As for Tyranids, the other race beyond numbers - Cruddace was allowed to write their codex and they paid dearly for it. For the better part of a decade, the bugs have also been using limited options to jury-rig solutions to basic problems that appear in every conventional 40k game.

[[Bullshit|Over time, people quit talking about how "badass" the Guard were.]] They aren't really underdogs in lore or crunch, and it's difficult to think of them as "bold" when you watch a Guard player table your army in a single round of shooting. If anything, it's the Orkz and everyone else who are brave as all hell for standing up to the bastards, or too stupid to stop, or both. Although, if you became a Guardsman you’d probably go insane quickly from the horrific space monsters and daemonic shit. So, still balls of steel. And their kit and tanks are so damn cool.

==Notable Figures of the Imperial Guard==
[[File:Stormtrooper vs Ork.jpg|250px|right|thumb|Who's "ded 'ard" NOW, you grammatically-challenged cucumber?!]]
*[[Ciaphas Cain]] - '''HERO OF THE IMPERIUM''' (Charming Commissar in the Harry Flashman/Edmund Blackadder tradition.)
*[[Jurgen|Ferik Jurgen]] - Cain's assistant/bodyguard many of the '''HERO OF THE IMPERIUM'S''' victories have been due to Jurgen and his skill with a melta gun. That and he's a psychic blank so magic bs doesnt work on him.

*<s>Colonel-Commissar</s> <s>Lord Militant Commander</s> [[Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt|First Lord Executor Militant Ibram Gaunt]] - (Rambo + Sharpe + 40,000 king of awesome) Main protagonist of Gaunt's Ghosts, and a REAL hero of the Imperium, [[grimdark|unjustly doomed to lowly obscurity]].
*[[Commissar Yarrick]] - Old one-eye. Saviour of Armageddon, twice. Known for having an Ork Klaw on his arm, having a personal Baneblade, and a [[gay|bizarre]] relationship with the ork warlord [[Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka]].
*[[Holt|Commissar Holt]] - Awesome cinematics are awesome, from Warhammer 40,000: Final Liberation. Don't you dare to simply call him Holt. {{BLAM}}
*[[Commissar Dan]] - "But Commissar Dan says we're on a blaze for glory run!" "Commissar Dan is a ''maniac''! Never listen to anything he says." Also canon thanks to FFG.
*[[Commissar Fuklaw]] - Currently in service with the [[Angry Marines]].
*[[Commissar Raege]] - Currently trolling [[Space Marines]].
*[[General Sturnn]] - Manly damn old son of a bitch, from [[Dawn of War#Winter Assault|Dawn of War: Winter Assault]]. Struggles with grammar because of the grit in his teeth.
*[[Castor|Lord General Castor]] - Sporting a manly mustache and known for having a trophy room full of Tyranid heads.
*[[Ollanius Pius]] - The catalyst for the [[God-Emperor of Mankind|Emperor]] finally ''erasing'' [[Horus]] out of existence. (Erased from canon at one point, later restored, and as of the Horus Heresy book series the fluff for him is a bit complicated, but he's still awesome in his own way.)
*[[Vance Motherfucking Stubbs]] - Another manly bastard, <s>famous for "losing" a hundred [[Baneblade]]s.</s>{{BLAM}}{{BLAM|LIES AND CHAOS PROPAGANDA!!! There is nothing written about the Baneblades being lost.}}
*[[Colonel "Iron Hand" Straken|Colonel "I ate a Miral landshark for breakfast" Straken]] - Yet another manly fucker and another solid contender for biggest balls in the Imperial Guard.
*[[Knight Commander Pask]] - Rain man in 40k. An autistic Leman Russ tank ace that has destroyed Titans and Gargants. With a Leman Russ. He somehow manages to wreck his tank in every battle, always getting a new one and renaming it "hand of steel." He's managed to claw his way out of hundreds of burning wrecks somehow.
*[[Colonel Greiss]] - Straken's former commander and proof that the manliest fuckers the Imperial Guard have aren't necessarily the biggest.
*[[Creed|Lord Castellan Usarkar E. Creed]] - Famous for outflanking enemies with Titans. Must have been the work of some sort of tactical geniu-CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!
:*After [[Trazyn]] put Creed into his vault, Geedubs replaced him with his totally-also-a-genius (<s>actually elevated by Imperial nepotism-</s> {{BLAM}}) daughter, Ursula <s>[[Meme|Trumbull]]</s> Creed.
*[[Merrick]] - Tough bastard who survived a Tyranid Invasion, a Chaos uprising, ten years of nonstop combat, and putting a gun to his superior's head. Also fucking strong, since he can carry an entire heavy weapons setup on his own.
*[[Sly Marbo]] - ...by time you have read this... you are already dead... <strike>Gone, just like Creed's ability to scout titans, because GW hates awesome things.</strike> He's ''baaaaaaack...''
*[[Doom]] Marine - because, why the hell not?
*[[Enginseer|Engineseers]] - All of them. Want to repair your own tank, do you? HERE'S THE FUCKING MANUAL. By the way, it's [[Heresy]] to do it yourself.
* [[Lord Commander Solar Macharius]] - A Brilliant tactician who [[/tg/_Gets_Shit_Done|Gets Shit Done]] (in fluff) and the most useless command choice from the Second Edition Codex: Imperial Guard who would habitually screw up your entire battle plan since he rolled for his strategy rating on a D6 (which decided who got the first turn) and 4-6 would stop you firing your army-fucking pre-battle barrage. On a 6 you also had to put everything you had in reserve on the table. He also had no model and the fluff gave no idea what he looked like. IMPROVED IN 3RD ED WHEN HE GOT BETTER RULES AND A MODEL: Baseline stats are: WS D3+2, BS4, S3, T3, W4, I4, A D3+1, LD10
**Because he is slow in his old age, he has an initiative of 4, which is pretty bad, but he can potentially have four attacks with a mastercrafted power weapon at a WS of 5. He's still too wild of a character to use in a serious game, so save him for your fuck-around games, or Apocalypse.
**In conclusion, he has a terrible crunch but have a ridiculously awesome fluff being as the most successful Warmaster ever existed since the Great Crusade
*[[The Last Chancers|Colonel Schaeffer]] - The craziest, malicious, heinous and downright evil imperial guard officer to ever exist. Most other officers are either incompetent when battlefield tactics are concerned or egocentric to the point of believing nothing else around them has a pulse, ultimately resulting in the average footslogger having such a brief lifespan. Colonel Schaeffer on the other hand, intends to make those under his command suffer in the most grueling, painful and surprisingly productive way possible. He is there along with them too.
*Colonel Jurten - Nuked the living shit out of his own planet, 'cuz Krieg ain't belonging to no one but the Big E. Then inhabited it solely with clones, mostly of himself.
*[[Commander Kubrik Chenkov]] "Now see here comrade, is all for great glory of great Stalin empero- Нет! Вернись, свинья! {{BLAM}} Essentially a stereotypical Soviet General IN SPESS. Known for being the most famous user of the "send in the next wave" tactic, [[Grimdark|wherein a squad of 50 conscript guardsman are sent into a minefield to clear it by triggering them and another 50 are sent in immediately when they all inevitably die]]. The biggest waste of flesh the Imperial Guard will likely ever see, he's only survived by dint of never running out of soldiers and somehow clawing together victories. Emperor help Chenkov's ass if he meets Ibram Gaunt, Ciaphas Cain or Vance Motherfuckin Stubbs as he will most likely end up in the Penal Legions if they hear how that idiot spends his men like autogun bullets. Heck its a surprise that no other Imperial Guard leader or commander above Chenkov has shanked his ass yet. His only redeeming factor is that he considers his life no more important that anyone else's and leads his men from the front.

==Main Advantages of Fielding an Imperial Guard Army==
*Shit loads of men to throw around the battlefield[[File:tautears.png|500px|right|thumb|Sweet, sweet-salty tears.]]
*'''[[Basilisk Artillery Gun|BASILISKS]]'''
*'''[[Baneblade|BANEBLADES]]'''
*'''[[Manticore Rocket Launcher|MANTICORES]]'''
*'''[[Leman Russ Battle Tank|LEMAN RUSSES]]'''
*'''[[commissar|*BLAM*]]'''
*[[Creed|Titans acting as scouts]].
*Reasonable prices for vehicles. Sorta.
*Tank Squadrons.
*The first and best [[Hydra Flak Tank|Flak Tank]].
*Loyal soldiers that can and will [[Ollanius Pius|hold the line to the bitter end]].
*[[Commissar Yarrick]]
*Cool looking models and plenty of variety to choose from.
*Standard issue adamantium balls.
*'''YOU COULD NOT POSSIBLY FORGET THAT YOUR GUYS FIELD ''THE BEST TANKS OF THE GAME'', RIGHT?'''
*'''VANQUISHERS, FUCK YOU [[tau|BLUE SKINNED PANZIES]]'''
*Did we forget to mention that all units have standard issue balls of steel? Except for Yarrick. He has adamantium balls. And [[Sly Marbo|that guy in the cardboard box]]. <del>He has Power Balls.</del>(No one has ever been able to confirm what kind of balls he has (EXCEPT FOR YO MAMA! OOOOOH!) no one fucks with Sly is any form of the word and lives to tell the tale) [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0B2w0abQazg| Your dudes are basically this guy.]]

==<del>Downsides to being a Guardsman</del> Highly fanciful scenarios that most likely will not occur during your glorious service as a Guardsman==

While your local propaganda might say that being in the guard is the most honorable thing you could ever get into, and it is! Here is a small list of things that will very likely never happen to you and are entirely preventable with forethought, your trusty lasgun, and endless faith in the Emperor:

[[File:709869c659acffb373baece7b5d00582-d6lzjxz.jpg|right|thumb|300px|[[Awesome|Heroic last stands]] not included, [[Grimdark|but encouraged greatly]].]]

*You will die in the line of duty and no-one but your family and friends will remember you unless you've done something that only a Space Marine could do in combat. ''Anyone can do it!''
*You're expendable in every sense of the word. ''Freedom isn't free and you're the currency that pays for it!''
*Your Commissar might execute you to make your friends fight harder. ''You deserved it.''
*Your Commissar might execute your friends to make you fight harder. ''They deserved it.''
*Unless you're in a special forces division like the Kasrkin, you're really just a meatshield in large scale assaults. ''A glorious, spiffy looking meatshield!''
*"See how great this is? Your very own laser gun!" Too bad it's a bad joke compared to everyone else's guns. ''You're just using it wrong.''
*You can't even die when you want to. ''You don't want to be a quitter, do you?''
*You might be: [[Chaos Space Marines|mutilated, disemboweled]], [[Tyranids|eaten alive]], [[Orks|chopped into meat chunks by a rusty slab of metal]], [[Necron|disassembled into your component atoms]], [[Chaos Gods|sacrificed to the Chaos Gods]], [[Imperium|left for dead]], [[Dark Eldar|tortured for fun by xenos]], [[Chaos|mutants, heretics and zealots]], [[Eldar|stuffed with shurikens and lasers better than yours]], [[Tau|or blasted by high-power rounds from miles away]]. ''But you'll earn the eternal gratitude of the Emperor!''
*You will be sent into hopeless situations and your superiors expect you to fight without retreating or showing cowardice. ''Just do it, no one likes a crybaby!''
*You may be used as mine clearance. By being marched through the minefield. ''That's right boys, you can teach those dastardly mines who's boss by blowing them up!''
* Even if after losing your entire regiment, watching your last-minute friends die horrendous deaths, and generally do the most gruesome work to win the day; the minute Space Marines come crashing down from the sky; They'll take all the credit for it, even if the Marines themselves attribute the win to you. ''They deserve it.''
* Those same Space Marines might [[Marines Malevolent|bomb you and the civilians you're trying to save into mulch because you're too weak to be worth rescuing.]] ''You deserve it, weakling.''
*You will be taken from your home planet and dropped on the other side of the universe to fight in a war you didn't know existed. ''Think of the interesting people you'll meet, and then subsequently possibly kill!''
*You will NEVER see your home planet again unless you are stationed there. In which case it is likely under siege by yet another one of the Imperium's foes, and will likely remain so for the remainder of your short life. ''Think of the interesting places you'll see, and then subsequently blow up!''
*5 Million of you dying under a four hour assault by orks, is considered a flawless victory by Segmentum Command (Then again that would likely be either a very large ork warband or a WAAAGH!, so GOOD JOB!). ''Better than 5 million and one, am I right?''
*If you fight along side Grey Knights, you will be *BLAMMED*, or mindfucked and lobotomized, after the battle in the interest of secrecy. ''Grey Knights don't exist, that's silly.''
*Hell, just fighting Chaos has a slight chance of you getting disposed of after the battle because the Inquisitor investigating your regiment thinks that you may be a slight, bit, tad tainted. ''You wouldn't want to spread that taint would you?''
*Even when your army are the only ones that still uses combined arms warfare, your army still sucks, since it's routinely losing entire brigades (complete with Armor vehicles and aircraft) to any single bog-standard Space Marine and/or xeno mook. ''But not you! Your buddies and you can definitely take 'em!''
*God forbid you dare complain. Fucking Commissars. ''Morale must be maintained!''

==Memorable Quotations==

[[File:Astra Militarum Symbol.jpg|right|400px]]

- "Enemies of the Imperium, hear me. You have come here to die. The Immortal Emperor is with us and we are invincible. His soldiers will strike you down, his war machines will crush you under their treads, his mighty guns will bring the very sky crashing down upon you. You cannot win. The Emperor has given us his greatest weapon to wield. So make yourselves ready. We are The First Kronus Regiment, and today is our victory day!" - [[Governor-Militant Lukas Alexander]]

- "The meaning of victory is not to merely defeat your enemy but to destroy him, to completely eradicate him from living memory, to leave no remnant of his endeavours, to crush his achievement and remove all record of his very existence. From that defeat there is no recovery. That is the meaning of victory." - [[Lord Solar Macharius]]

- "What is the strongest weapon of mankind? The god-machines of the Adeptus Mechanicus? No! The Astartes Legions? No! The tank? The lasgun? The fist? Not at all! Courage and courage alone stands above them all!" - [[Lord Solar Macharius]]

- "Though our tanks and artillery are mighty, it is the vast ranks of Imperial Guardsmen that shall trample the enemy to dust - let them come" - [[Creed]]

- "I have at my command an entire battle group of the Imperial Guard. Fifty regiments, including specialized drop troops, stealthers, mechanised formations, armoured companies, combat engineers and mobile artillery. Over half a million fighting men and thirty thousand tanks and artillery pieces are mine to command. Emperor show mercy to the fool who stands before me, for I shall not." - Warmaster Demetrius

- "The enemies of mankind may employ dark sciences or alien weapons beyond Humanity's ken, but such deviance comes to naught in the face of honest human intolerance backed by a sufficient number of guns."

-DRIVE ME CLOSER! I want to hit them with my sword! (originally a meme that started from a picture of a Commissar standing up in a tank hatch brandishing his sword, the phrase became so popular it is one of Commissar Lord Bernn's in campaign/skirmish/multiplayer lines when he gets in a Chimera in Dawn of War II, Retribution)

- "Look at me. Look at me! ''This'' is home now, Trooper! This is the zone! It doesn't like you, but by the Throne, it's where you are! The Emperor wants you, boy! Did no one ever tell you that? The Emperor wants you to make his glory for him! And if you're scared, I'm terrified. The [[Chaos|archenemy]] is no playmate. You're going to see things, and be expected to do things your poor mother would have a fit at. But the Emperor expects, and the Emperor ''protects'', all of us, even you. Especially you - I promise you that." - [[Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt]]

- "Pain is temporary, Honour is forever" - [[Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt]]

- "That which I cannot crush with words alone, I shall crush with the [[Baneblade|tanks]] of the Imperial Guard!" - [[Lord Solar Macharius]]

- "You're a fearsome warrior! Act like it!" - [[Dawn of War II|General Castor]]

- "[[Commissar|You don't die until I say so!]]"

- "[[Commissar|Forward you dogs to victory!!]]"

- "[[Commissar|Glory to the first man to die! CHARGE!!!]]"

- "[[Regimental Commissar Anton Gebbet|If you will not serve in combat, then you will serve on the firing line!]]"

- "To each of us falls a task, and all the Emperor requires of us Guardsmen is that we stand the line, and we die fighting. It is what we do best: We die standing." - General Sturnn, Dawn of War: Winter Assault

- "Only in death does duty end" - [[Sturnn]]

- "All right men! TIME TO WAGE TO WAR!" - [[Sturnn]]

- "A true servant never yields to doubt" - [[Vance Motherfucking Stubbs|General Vance Stubbs]]

- "Remember, we have more numbers men!" - sergeant in skirmish/multiplayer line from Dawn of War II Retribution

- "Let's see them fight ALL of us!" Guardsman, Dawn of War: Soulstorm

- "For each one of us that falls, 10 more will take its place!" Guardsman, Dawn of War: Soulstorm

- "We died so that others may live." - Unknown Brimlock Dragoon

- "Infantry wins firefights, tanks win battles, artillery wins wars." - Tactica Imperialis

- "A Guardsman's LIFE is to die. My job has always been to send them where they CAN die. I'm not afraid to spend men, but I never waste them!" - [[Dawn of War II|General Castor]]

- "Your foe is well equipped, well-trained, battle-hardened. He believes his gods are on his side. Let him believe what he will. We have the tanks on ours." - Colonel Joachim Pfeiff, [[Death Korps of Krieg|Krieg]] 14th Armoured Regiment

- "A good general does not lead an army to destruction just because he knows it will follow." - The Tactica Imperialis

- "Let my epitaph be this; I was born nameless and abandoned in the gutter of a sunless pit, but I have died a conqueror of worlds." - Reputed last words of Lord Militant Erais Slaithe

- "Peace is not in my vocabulary." - Commander Jarra Mordiker of the 13th/5th support regiment

- "A good soldier obeys without question. A good officer commands without doubt." - Tactica Imperialis

==A Piece of Writing That Explains the Imperial Guard==
At the end of the day, though he's been ferried through [[Warp|hell]] on a ship that's ten thousand years old to some godforsaken, war-torn rock; though he deployed from high orbit with nothing but a grav chute; though he is one of ten million men and women snatched from his homeworld to fight a war he barely understands; though he has been given a weapon that fires small suns and may annihilate him as he fires because the knowledge of how it functions has been lost; though his company is supported by tractor-tanks that run on anything you can burn; though he wages war against a [[Tyranid|devouring hivemind]], ravenous [[Daemon|demons]] and [[Ork|hordes]] of [[Eldar|hyper-advanced]] [[Tau|aliens]] with [[Necron|strange technologies]] and [[Chaos Sorcerer|sorceries]] he never dreamed existed; no one will remember his sacrifice, there will be no records of his deeds, no glorious parades in his honor, and no remembrance of his name. All he will earn is a shallow, unmarked grave on a forgotten world untold light years from home.

Yet for all this thankless sacrifice a Guardsman is a man, just like you. He has no [[Space Marines|millennia-old genetic engineering]], no [[Emperor|prophetic leader]], no [[Sisters of Battle|miracles of faith]]. He has his lasgun, his orders, and those beside him. He is an Imperial Guardsman.

[[Awesome|And he will hold the line.]]

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=139wRZ83gKg Now in Manly Tear inducing audio format!]

==Another piece of writing: Pity the guardsmen==
Pity the Guardsman...

A weak sack of flesh destined to die for a dead god that never cared, he spends his pitiful, brief life, alone in his foxhole with nothing to keep him company, or to keep him safe, than the cheapest, most disposable of equipment. Perhaps the glow from his lasgun barrel keeps him warm at night.

Me? As a servant of the Powers I enjoy the delights of all this world and the warp has to offer. Power, it courses through my veins. The gifts of the Chaos Gods will soon overtake me, and one day I may even ascend. What has the Guardsman to look forward to but a grim life, and if he is lucky perhaps he will feel nothing as my axe sends his soul to Khorne.

He lives for a corpse god, and he shall join his god, as a corpse. I shall spare a half second to think of him and his kind. Then, I shall only laugh. Hail Chaos!

----

You would laugh monster, But let me remind you.

Within that weak sack of meat and bone, uncared for by his god and wept for by none, beats a heart. A human heart, that carries with it the strength and courage of all mankind. Within that sack of meat is ensconced the hope, the will, and the fury of every man, woman, and child from every corner of the Imperium. Within that weak sack of meat, festooned in thin armour and weapons only powerful in numbers, beats the heart of a man. And for ten thousand years, the hearts of men have beaten, strongly, in defiance of your so called "powers". For ten thousand years, the hearts of men have stood united against a galaxy that despises them for no reason save that they had the audacity not to lay down and die. For ten thousand years, your Black Crusades have been pushed back, beaten down and made a mockery of, by weak sacks of flesh with cheap weapons and disposable equipment.

For that weak sack of flesh that you so gleefully mock is no super soldier, no immortal warrior, no creature cursed by Chaos like you. He is a man, an Imperial Guardsman drawn from some forgotten corner of the Imperium to fight for his species and for the safety of the people he loves. He is a factory worker, a farmer, a storekeeper, a father, a brother, a son, a mere man. And against creatures like you, teeming and numberless, powered by the very will of thirsting gods... he holds the line. He has held the line for ten thousand Years.

So what's your excuse, monster?

And in [https://youtu.be/qyGDo1ARpjI 3d animated version for extra pleasure] the guardsmen can finally get the recognition he deserves.

==A Selection of Approved Music for the Imperial Guard==

*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmX1NlxYt_k - Imperial Guard in a nutshell
*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWBoMWZJkeI - (none of that 'mercan shite)(It's pronounced 'Murican)
*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxapTnODhCs - A marching song that most Training worlds use to this day.
*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJNz2QgSNsk - Standard cadence song sung by veteran units.
*https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=n7hHlh2IusY - Commonly sung by Trench and siege regiments, thought to be about an ancient civil war
*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TjvKZHJeayg - Rumored to be used by Praetorian Guard Regiments
*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRIAw6LkqlE - Again, a rumored anthem.
*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5NzAksjfDI - Wildly popular Catachan song, most notable for being sung aboard transports.
*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gS1lBID2Mtw - Popular parade piece for the Phantine Air Corps
*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9fSEdZIM08 - March of the Death Korps of Krieg
*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWgsdexkv18 - Harakoni Warhawks are sometimes required to memorize the lyrics as part of their training.
*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKT7qxk9-pw - A campfire song often heard from Drookian Fen Guard encampments.
*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26cr_rBQu74&list=- A traditional folk/drinking song of the Vostroyan Light Armor and Mounted regiments.
*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLV4_xaYynY - Traditional Catachan folk song. Catachan Guardsmen are sometimes heard either humming, warbling or whistling this song while on Guard duty.
*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V92OBNsQgxU - This is song is inevitably played over loudspeakers whenever there are two or more Valkyries entering the battlefield.
*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVcD1gW-cQE - This song begun to resurface throughout Valhallan Armored Regiments after a few joint missions with Knight Commander Pask's Cadian 423rd Armoured Regiment.
*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X1uGm_dIqBI - Quite popular among Vostroyan artillery regiments.
*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrJAwCBbnuc- Often sung by storm troopers during risky and/or frontal assaults on enemy forward positions or leading massive charges.

*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umzRoqtWvrA- Sometimes heard while the Drookian Fen Guard are on the march.
*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-YsMCqgZPKE- Heard when the Drookian Fen Guard are in battle.
*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6MgTQ-56P0- Ballad of the Imperial Guardsman
*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhqWHIq-aZw- Undisputed Anthem of the Imperial Guard.

==Notable Imperial Guard Forces==
Because GW was too lazy to create an original themed Imperial Guard army, they basically used RL armies as a base for them, gave them a little touch of [[grimdark]], assorted amounts of tempered ceramite balls and placed them... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!

*[[Cadia|Cadian Shock Troops]]: (Resettled after Cadia's fall) Generic occidental army/Colonial Marines/Mobile Infantry clones... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! FOR [[Imperium|IMPERIUM]] AND [[Emprah|EMPEROR]]! CADIA STANDS!
*[[Catachan Jungle Fighters]]: Vietnam War Americans (with Australians, British and Canadians)... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! GOOD MORNING CATACHAN!
*[[Tallarn Desert Raiders]]: Lawrence of Arabia's Raiders (or Mujihadeen)... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! الإمبراطور أكبر!
*[[Armageddon Steel Legion]]: Wehrmacht mechanized divisions... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! FÜR DEN IMPERATOR, FEUER FREI!
*[[Armageddon Ork Hunters]]: American John Rambo Commandos... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! WE ARE YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE, ORKS!!!
*[[Valhallan Ice Warriors]]: World War II Soviet Red Army... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! ЗА РОДИНУ! ЗА ИМПЕРАТОРА! НИ ШАГУ НАЗАД!
*[[Mordian Iron Guard]]: Napoleonic Prussians (spiffing blue uniforms, iron hard discipline and ranked fire)... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! GOTT KAISER MIT UNS!
*[[Death Korps of Krieg]]: WWI's Western Front (both sides), offensive side... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! Now that we're in space, imagine what the Clone Army in [[Star Wars]] might be if Lucas liked grimdark as much as he liked CGI and revising the original trilogy.
*[[Gilead Gravediggers]]: WWI's Western Front (both sides), defensive side... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! POUR L'EMPEREUR, ON NE PASSE PAS! The less grimdark and even more trench-loving cousins of the Kriegers.
*[[Vostroyan Firstborn]]: Cossacks... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! YOU WILL NOT MAKE SUBJECTS OF IMPERIAL SONS, FUCK YOUR MOTHER!
*[[Elysian Drop Troops]]: French paratroopers... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! QUI OSE GAGNE! POUR L'EMPEREUR! (Taros Campaign=Dien Bien Phu or Operation Market Garden)
*[[Dieprian Mountain Men]]: World War II Italian Army Alpini Corps... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! NESSUNA MONTAGNA È TROPPO ALTA PER NOI, PER L'IMPERATORE!
*[[Harakoni Warhawks]]: American paratroopers... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! GREEN LIGHT!!! LET'S GO!
*[[Tanith First (And Only)]]: Roman-era Celts... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! DWI'N OFN, OND DILYNWCH FI!
*[[Attilan Rough Riders]]: <strike>Mongols</strike> Huns... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! ([[White Scars|Yes, again.]])
*[[Mordant Acid Dogs]]: Post-apocalyptic miners (and a bit of Raiders)... IIIINNN SPAAAACE!!!... ACID EVERYONE? THERE IS ENOUGH FOR EVERY HERETIC AND XENO!!!
*[[Savlar Chem Dogs]]: Post-apocalyptic raiders (and a bit of the Vietnam War tunnel rats)... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! They rule Bartertown, get out of here guardsman.
*[[Terrax Guard]]: World War II Soviet Commissars (This is essentially a Commissar Regiment with extra steps)... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! ТОЛЬКО ВЕРНЫЙ ВЫИГРЫВАЕТ ДЕНЬ!
*[[Drookian Fen Guard]]: Anglo-Scottish border reivers... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! A GOT NAE PANTS ON UNDER MA KILT SO A KIN DRAPE MA BALLS ON YER FACE WHILE YE CHOKE ON YER OWN BLOOD, YE NINNY LITTLE WANKER!!
*[[Praetorian Guard]]: Victorian British Army... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! PRAETORIANS NEVER YIELD! (Ever seen the movie ''Zulu''? Like that, but against [[ork|Orks]]. And yes that is a bit racist when you stop and think about it but oh well, just give your officer darker skin tone, not like anyone who isn't a major [[That Guy]] would care about that in real life.)
*[[Kanak Skull Takers]]: Cavemen (with some Apache)... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! ME TARZAN, YOU DEAD!!
*[[Brontian Longknives]]: Australian Crocodile Dundee swordsmen (That's not a knife. THAT'S a knife!)... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! Guns? Too modern to my taste.
*[[Phantine Air Corps]]: Battle of Britain RAF... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! FLIP OVER ON HIS BETTY HARPER AND CATCH HIS CAN IN THE VERTI!!
*[[Phantine Skyborne]]: British SAS... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! Who dares, wins.
*[[Scintillan Fusiliers]]: 18th century French aristocrats... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! QU'ILS MANGENT DE LA BRIOCHE!! Likely doomed if their [[Commissar|Commissars]] get an STC for a portable guillotine.
*[[Ventrillian Nobles]]: 16th century Spanish conquistadors (with some WHFB Tileans)... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! POR VENTRILLIA, EL IMPERIO Y EL EMPERADOR!!! Unlike those Scintillan pussies who have panic attacks at a paper cut, the dashing gentlemen of Ventrilla actually know how to fight.
*[[Maccabian Janissaries]]: Ottoman Empire's Elite Corps... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! AMINA KOYAYIM!!! Nobody cared who they were until they put on the masks.
*[[Indigan Praefects]]: Monster Hunters... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! Certified Imperium Beast and Pest Control.
*[[Jopall Indentured Guard]]: Corporate Debt Bondaged Soldiers... IIIIINNNN SPAAACE! FOR PROFI-err I mean, FOR THE EMPEROR!!!
*[[Athonian Tunnel Rats]]: Vietnam War Tunnel Rats (and a bit of Post-Apocalyptic raider flavor... this feels familiar)... IIIIINNN SPAAAACE!
*[[Necromundan Spiders]]: New York street gangs... IIIIINNN SPAAAACE! HERETICS! COME OUT TO PLAY-AY!
*[[Penal_legion|13th Penal Legion]]: (Last Chancers) A mix of the worst aspects of german Strafbattalions, Soviet Shtrafbats & the french foreign legion in SPAAACEEEE!
*[[Solar Auxilia]]: The first iteration of the Imperial Guard. ''Significantly'' better equipped than their latter-day counterparts.

With such a large and diverse collection of units in the Imperial Guard that puts even the Space Marine armies to shame, you'd think that you'd have plenty of options for fielding an army, right? Well, I've got some bad news for you: Realistically, you can only field Cadians and Catachans in large numbers, as well as the Death Korps <s>and Elysians</s> if you're willing to pay [[Forge World]] prices. As for everyone else? Entirely discontinued (or never made in the first place), with the sole exception of the base Steel Legion infantry squad, and most of them were never made in plastic, so good luck trying to get custom loadouts. Yes, some units like the Attilans or Harakoni may seem too out there to have broad appeal, but you'd think at least the Steel Legion would get more support, what with their intimate involvement in [[Armageddon]], one of 7th Edition's Warzone settings (or it could be a scam to make you pay FW prices as their models look pretty similar to death korps).

GW are at least remaking Gaunt's Ghosts in plastic, though six named characters is hardly enough to make a full Tanith army. There are also [[Victoria Miniatures|some]] [[Anvil Industry|people]] who can cover your needs for legally-distinct space army men in a variety of flavors. Now Attilans are back.

==Imperial Guard forces featured in Black Library novels==
The writers from Black Library have also created some armies for Black Library novels, and while some of them only appear in one novel or short story they may be worth mentioned as a great source of custom Imperial Guard armies:

* Arkhan Confederates, Civil War American Regiments... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! Featured in the extremely [[grimdark]] novel ''Fire Caste'', their name seems to be a reference both to the state of Arkansas and [[H.P. Lovecraft]]'s haunted city of Arkham (also their homeplanet is Providence, so yeah), they just came out of a civil war between loyalists and rebels, with their average troopers getting the slang of "greybacks", their culture is akin to America's 19th century with a bit of northern barbarian for some measure, while the Adeptus Mechanicus have enforced Mars dogma Arkhan nobles still have a tendency to tweak and build their own machines as a form of Omnissiah worship, which have resulted in [[Awesome|jumpack sentinels and the Zouaves clockwork power-armoured elite soldiers, which are capable to stand their ground against Tau battlesuits]] (progress!), also their psykers usually come with a northern tribesman guardian who is tasked to chop the psyker's head in case it gets perils of the warp.

* [[Roane Deepers]], ANZAC... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! Featured in ''Ghostmakers'' and ''Necropolis'' by [[Dan Abnett]], they fought with the [[Tanith First (And Only)]] during the [[Sabbat Worlds Crusade]] on Vervunhive. Light infantry and poorly equipped, courtesy of their homeworld being far down the [[Administratum|Departmento Munitorum]]'s list, they come with a bad reputation of being lazy with warfare and training approach. However, when lasers and bullets start whistling around, they are tenacious fighters. They suffered heavy casualties against the much better equipped [[Blood Pact]]. Their uniforms are made of mustard color fatigues, flak armor and a netted helmet.

* Vitrian Dragoons, ancient Babylonians... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! with a bit of Ottoman Empire. Another regiment featured in Dan Abnett's novels. Shock infantry. Wear carapace armour made from a glassy metal from their home world. They also have their own [[Ultramarines|codex which tells them tactical situations and how to react in combat scenarios.]]

==[[/tg/_40,000#Imperial_Guard | /tg/ Homebrew Guard Forces]]==
Here are some of the regiments spawned by /tg/.
* [[Cendra#Armed_Forces |Cendran Abolishers]]: Pyromaniacs who eat the burnt flesh of their enemies.
* [[Darmine#Darmine_Marshalls | Darmine Marshalls]]: Elite sharpshooters supported by huge amounts of explosive collar-fitted penal troopers.
*[[Onóir#Onóir First and Foremost | Onóir First and Foremost]]: Heavy troopers who use an unholy amount of [[Valkyrie|Valkyries]] and flamethrowers
* [[Ferdain#Ferdain_Mustangs | Ferdain Mustangs]]: Cavalry regiment that use genetically tailored horses that are practically heavy armour.
* [[Sauristoni#Armed_Forces| Sauristoni Ghostchasers]]: Renowned scouts and trackers who are experts on Eldar.
* [[1st Membranes]]: A regiment made almost entirely of psykers from a black ship that crashed on a forge world.
* [[Arianius Divided Regiments]]: Regiments are segregated along gender lines. Men are [[Choppa|slicey]] women are [[Dakka|shooty.]]
* [[Kandam | Kandamii Crabhunters]]: A regiment made up of Augmented soldiers who specialize in Oceanic and Aerial warfare.
*[[New Terran Rangers]]: Or (NTR) for short. Are a group of <s>Slaaneshi cultist</s> I mean totally loyal Guard that all others should aspire to be. Others should stride to be as heroic as them.
*[[Unbreakable Tritons]]: A rigorous and disciplined regiment, specializing in aquatic/amphibious, and naval combat.
* [[Terranknights | Terran Knights]]: Elite regiments recruited exclusively from Terra. As a result they have some of the best equipment in the Imperium.
* [[Hell Harlots|2478th Penal Legion, "Hell Harlots"]]: All-female [[penal legion]] close combat drop troops made up entirely of the same religious prison gang.
* [[All_Guardsmen_Party| Generian 99th Medium Infantry]]: The original regiment of the [[All_Guardsmen_Party | All Guardsmen Party]] spawning some of the most dangerous, heretical, yet pragmatic acolytes in the entire inquisition.
*[[Hua Yuan Exterminators|Hua Yuan Exterminators]]: Tyranid hunters and Hive warfare Specialists that use unique 'Color And Mayhem' tactics to disorient and daze in the cramped not!Honk Kong they're from. By far the most fleshed out /tg/ regiment to date.
*[[Franchfarran Legion]]: One of the stupidest ideas to come out of thinking about 40k. Beats the Benveadig Militia though...
*[[Varkhat| The Varkhese Legionnaires]]: Heroes of the Siege of Varkhat and the infamous mechanised force used by the Mechanicus in its recent terraforming endevours.
* [[Argo Brigade]]: Regiment of brutally effective counterinsurgency operators who really, really enjoy crucifying dissidents, dissident sympathizers, and xenos upside down and/or sideways.
* The Karthak Raiders: Purple-clad Cadians with names like Kinmar, Kinfey and Kinross. There's a short story about them coming soon.
* [[Clavessa_Secundus| Clavessa Bush Brigade]]: Some poor sods who are posted in-orbit on the most parasitic death-world planet in the universe. EVERYTHING is a parasite here. It also has [[Bees|DEATH BEES]]. And the worst thing is, the enemies of the Imperium KEEP INVADING this place for some stupid reason (it says everything when the Orks are the only ones with ACTUALLY sensible, rational and understandable reasons to keep coming back to attack this shithole)
* [[Void Trekkers]]: Galaxy Quest meets the grim darkness of 40k.

== See Also ==
*[[Imperial Guard Regiment Creation Tables]]
*[[Warhammer_40,000/Tactics/Imperial_Guard (9E)|Imperial Guard Tactics in-game.]]
*[[Lasgun]]
*[[Chem-chan]]
*[[Sentinel]]
*[[Hellhound Tank]]
*[[Basilisk Artillery Gun]]
*[[Leman Russ Battle Tank]]
*[[Baneblade]]
*[[Commissar]]
*[[Imperium]]
*[[Only War]] - The official Tabletop RPG of the Guard! Formerly.
*[[Kasrkin-chan]]
*[http://www.forgeworld.co.uk/The_Horus_Heresy/Solar_Auxilia] - The Imperial Guard before they became the Astra Militarum of today, The awesome looking [[Solar Auxilia|SOLAR AUXILIA]]! Thank the Emperor for [[Forge World]].
*[[Regulations of the Imperial Guard]] Things The Imperial Guard Is No Longer Allowed To Do.
*[[Lost and the Damned]]
*[[Wargames Atlantic]] for cheaper alternative models[[https://1d4chan.org/wiki/Wargames_Atlantic#External_Links|Wargames_Atlantic]]
*[[Gue'vesa]]
*[[Genestealer Cult]]
*[[Digganobz]]

==External Links==
* [https://wh40k.lexicanum.com/wiki/Astra_Militarum Lexicanum on the Imperial Guard]
* [https://warhammer40k.fandom.com/wiki/Astra_Militarum WH40k Wikia on the Astra Militarum]
* [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imperial_Guard_(Warhammer_40,000) Wikipedia Article]

==Gallery==
<center>
<gallery>
File:Faces of Warriors.png|Imperial Guard Veterans... Rare but not impossible, folks!
File:Guard Regiments 1.jpg
File:Guard Regiments 2.jpg
Image:Greeting.jpg
Image:Propaganda_by_DemonMads.jpg
Image:YoDawg.jpg
Image:IG_(2).jpg|
Image:Guardsmen.jpg|But this works too.
Image:1230085088983.png|[[wat]]
Image:Winterassault.jpg|Who needs Pauldrons?
Image:Repercussions.png|Commissar in action
Image:IG_(1).jpg|What the [[Jokaero]] should have been.
Image:The Courage of Man.png|AVE IMPERATOR MOTHERFUCKERS!
Image:Magnus Kale.png|Guardsmen - They Just Never Stop
Image:Basilisk.png|[[Basilisk Artillery Gun|Basilisks]] are [[AWESOME]]
Image:balls.jpg|Imagine this, only 4 times bigger, heck even the women have 'em!
Image:GuardsmanHelmet.jpg|This man shows doubt. He will soon be executed.
Image:Warhammer-orcs.jpg|Come and get some, fucking green-skins!
Image:Guardsman.jpg|This is painfully accurate... except for missing the FUCKHEUG BALLS OF STEEL.
Image:1267818498305.jpg|One should never underestimate the awesomeness of a Guardsman.
Image:Grimdark checkers.jpg|In the grimdarkness of the 41st millennium, there are still old men playing checkers.
</gallery>
</center>
{{Promotions}}
<center>
<gallery>
Image:Mira.jpg|It suggests a deep strike and close-quarters engagement.
Image:IG_melta.jpg|She's hotter than her meltagun.
Image:Catachan-n.jpg
Image:IG_Babes_(1).jpg
Image:IG_Babes_(2).jpg
Image:IG_Babes_(3).jpg
Image:IG_Babes_(5).jpg
Image:Krieg_chan_01_by_Jaekyu.jpg
Image:Krieg_chan_by_Jaekyu.jpg
Image:1227223498011.jpg
Image:IG_mot1.jpg
Image:IG_mot2.jpg
Image:IG_mot3.jpg
Image:Kasrkin_chan_sans_helmet_by_Jaekyu.jpg
Image:Kasrkin_chan_by_Jaekyu.jpg
Image:IG_Babes_(4).jpg|"Thank the Emperor! Action!"
Image:Imperial_Guardswoman_by_IronShrineMaiden.jpg|Ponytails and light weaponry are standard issue.
Image:F0r t3h Emp3r0r by Kazuv.jpg|Even pregnant chicks get conscripted.
Image:Vostroy_chan_by_Jaekyu.jpg|Vostroya is a cold and crappy place. Still people like it there. Guess why?
Image:Vostroya san by sexual yeti-da50g3x.png|[[Promotions|PROMOTIONS]]
</gallery>
</center>

==Navigation==
{{Imperial-Guard}}
{{40k-Imperial-Regiments}}
{{Imperium}}
{{WH40k-Factions}}

Communism

2023-05-11T02:00:26Z

2A0B:F4C2:1:0:0:0:0:1: Orlock is a slave revolt turned union turned crime syndicate but your average serf believes that his labor is in service to the revolts cause. Its workforce motivation propaganda work harder we fight for freedom!!

{{flamewar}}
{{Fail}}
{{Heresy}}

[[Image:Communismleaders.jpg|right|thumb|400px|Contrary to western propaganda, this is how communism has always worked]]

{{topquote|Under [[capitalism]], man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite.|Anonymous radio host from Soviet Armenia; also attributed to Yakov Smirnov}}
{{Topquote|MASH THE DIRTY RED SCUM! KICK THEM IN THE TEETH WHERE IT HURTS! KILL! KILL, KILL! FILTHY BASTARD COMMIES! I HATE THEM, I HATE THEM! AH! AH!|Ordo Xenos Inquisitor John Cleese, responding to the threat of the Damocles Crusade}}
{{topquote|Communism is the corruption of a dream of justice.|Adlai Stevenson I}}

'''Communism''' can refer to two concepts: the society where the economy is collectively managed and organised government is replaced by local communes (hence the name), and the (usually) authoritarian ideology that seeks to instate such a perfect society. Communism in the first sense had been tried in various villages through the early nineteenth century before fizzling out or being suppressed by authorities, but most people are only interested in the second sense, due to its enormous impact on the twentieth century. Communism the ideology is generally associated with oligarchic rule of the "vanguard party" and a degree of central planning; it was the state ideology of the Soviet Union and its satellite states, as well as a few minor powers such as Yugoslavia and Vietnam, during the Cold War. It is still, albeit in a very modified form, adhered to in a few countries today, such as the People's Republic of China, North Korea and Cuba.

In many ways, it is the opposite of [[capitalism]], both of them along with [[nazi|nazism]] are considered by some historians as diverging branches from [[humanism]].

==Overview==
[[Image:Boris_Yeltsin_in_Texas.jpg|right|thumb|400px|Boris Yeltsin visits a Randall's in Houston. Two years later the Soviet Union was dead. Communism < Jello Pudding Pops]]
The ideology of communism is highly diverse, as numerous thinkers have proposed different definitions and pathways to a communist society, yet most modern communists, in one way or another, derive their ideas from the writings of Karl Marx: hence, it is Marxist communism that will be discussed here. Even then, a full explanation is far beyond the scope of this wiki, so [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Communism Wikipedia] might be a better bet if you want to get into the philosophical and economic details.

Most non-Marxist communists are more anti-authoritarian (e.g. Kropotkin, Makhno), so they are sometimes classified as [[Malal|anarchists]] instead. However, even Marxist communism is not homogenous, ranging from the more extremist (Hoxhaism, Stalinism aka Marxism-Leninism) to more moderate (Titoism, Kadarism, classical Marxism), sometimes mixed with nationalism (Juche), liberal capitalism (Dengism) or - ironically given communism's recurring [[Imperial Truth|anti-religion]] tendency - ''Catholicism'' (Liberation theology). Perhaps the reason why there are so many different variations of communism is because Marx and Engels' blueprint is so vague in many places (it didn't help that Marx died before finishing ''Das Kapital'') that it lends itself to a dizzying array of interpretations, for better or worse.

Marxism originates with the work of (newsflash) Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels: Engels was the working son of an industrialist, while Marx got a PhD in law and spent much of his life in academia and radical politics; this arguably makes them the world's first [[Gretchin Revolutionary Committee|socialist justice warriors.]] These two developed their economic theories as a response to the effects of the Industrial Revolution. Marx observed that while the mechanization of production was a good thing since it generated a lot of wealth, he believed it was [[Rage|grossly unfair]] since said wealth was accumulating in the pockets of only a few [[Games Workshop|fucking rich pricks]] and most other people lived in Victorian poverty. He further saw this as another step in a long historical trend in which a class that owned the means of production (i.e. factories, land, etc.) exploited and dominated a lower class that had to sell its labor power to survive (by working in said factories, land, etc.) even though they had no say in how the means of production could be used and had a better claim to it on account of being the class that actually used the means of production.

Marx viewed society as being on a very clear cut path of social evolution with clearly defined phases, based on his interpretation of Hegelian philosophy (we suggest you look that up yourself, it's much too complicated to make into a pithy explanation here). Every phase represented a different form of economy and social hierarchy, and, while starting out "progressive", would eventually [[Imperium of Man|fall into degradation]] as it exceeded its limits. At this point, this decayed socio-economic system would have to be overthrown and replaced with a more just and advanced one, starting a new phase: Marx considered the Fall of the Roman Empire (transition from individual slavery to land-based feudalism) and the revolutions of the 19th century (transition from feudalism to industrial capitalism) to be the moments when such a transition occurred. He believed that capitalism was rapidly approaching its own collapse and replacement.

The new social order, Marx believed, would be collectivist, atheist and classless: as industrial production required people to work together on a large scale, so too would the new system of government. The new society would start out more authoritarian (socialism) before its government would eventually dissolve (communism proper). The economy would be controlled by the workers rather than by individual shareholders, competition would be discouraged in favor of a more cooperative and collective-oriented mindset, and religion (which Marx considered an obsolete "opiate of the masses"- although contrary to popular belief he did not actually oppose its existence) would fade away when it was no longer needed to distract people from the poor conditions they lived in. Most importantly, the new order would end the traditional state of affairs in which one class dominated all others through its control of the means of production and allow for true equality and prosperity for everyone. It is for this reason that no Communist party has claimed it has actually ''created'' a communist society, as according to their ideology they are simply guiding society through its socialist phase until true communism can be achieved at an unspecified future time.

However, Marx and Engels never gave a clear outline of how such a society could be created or what it would look like, either because they believed the workers would decide that or [[Profit|they had no idea or plan for how to achieve it]]. The the first one to put it into practice on a national scale (Vladimir Lenin) gave it a distinctly authoritarian spin which only got worse with Stalin. It should not be surprising that even in Marx's own time there were many opposing views of how a communist society would be created and maintained since he failed to give a method to accomplish it.

As a whole, most forms of Marxism are highly skeptical of liberal democracy (albeit supportive of the democratic process itself and direct democracy in particular), as it is considered to be corrupt and easily manipulated by the wealthy (even if you take the role of the media and its ability to influence public opinion into account, the old stereotype of politicians serving their richest donors rather than the people they allegedly represent didn't exactly spring out of a vacuum); similarly, they dismiss the process of slow reform advocated by social democratic ideology as a mass of half-measures intended to preserve a broken system instead of replacing it. In its place, communists propose the "dictatorship of the proletariat". Before you jump to conclusions, Marx considered all forms of government to be a form of dictatorship in that one class held absolute power over all others; in this case, the class in question would be the workers, who would use the innately authoritarian power of the state to ensure that a worker-controlled democratic decision-making process would not be opposed by reactionary elements attempting to re-establish the old order (also, keep in mind that back in Marx's day even the most democratic societies restricted the vote to male property owners). According to Marx, this dictatorship would last only long enough to eliminate the differences between classes- as the state's existence is due to said class differences, this would eventually lead the state to dissolve when it was no longer needed...somehow.

One of Marx's most prominent socialist rivals, Mikhail Bakunin, made the prediction that a dictatorship of the proletariat wouldn't "wither away" as Marx expected, but instead would serve as the foundation of a new ruling class that would dominate and exploit the proletariat just like the capitalists did: rather than class differences leading to the creation of the state, it was the state itself that allowed those class differences to exist in the first place. As a result, using the power of the state to end class differences would only perpetuate them further.

In Leninism, Marxism-Leninism, and their offshoots, the dictatorship of the proletariat takes form of the "vanguard party", consisting of the most "class-conscious" individuals. This party would be given near-absolute power over society and economy, so that transition towards socialism and eventually communism would proceed properly. As such, most communist states using the Marxist-Leninist model and its relatives have been dictatorships, headed either by charismatic despots (Lenin, Stalin, Mao Zedong, Pol Pot), or by the party oligarchy (modern China, late USSR). While other forms of communism exist that do not follow the vanguard party model, they are too lacking in influence to have ever been implemented on a national scale so we can't really say what they'd be like. It should also be noted that Marx and Engels themselves doubted the idea that a small revolutionary party could represent the will of the working class, an idea originally espoused by one of his other contemporaries (Blanqui, if you're curious).

===Issues===
One of the (many) major flaws in communist ideology is that its economic theories simply cannot be translated into the real world. For all the bullshit and genuine problems that happen in the free market (or the corporation-dominated form that exists today, at any rate), it still has the advantage of solving what economists call the ''economic calculation problem''[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Economic_calculation_problem .] To make a long story short, free markets work by allocating resources to where they are most needed and will produce the most value for people, and they are able to do this through ''price signals''.

Consider: Games Workshop wants money. You have money. So they make little [[Space Marines|metal figures]] that you want and so you buy them, and [[profit|they make money]]. Then they decide they want to make more money. So they try making a [[Manta|big honking model that costs a lot of money]], but you don't buy it because you're poor. By doing this [[Age of Sigmar|over]] and [[Primaris Marines|over]] again, GW eventually figures out what will and won't sell at what price, and you come to regard them as a money grubbing lawful evil because they're making a thing you want and charging you close to the highest price you're willing to pay to get it.

In a free market, nobody really needs to know what the whole economy looks like or how much steel the country will need in a given year; people only need to know how ''their own'' business works: what their customers want and what they'll pay for it. Under planned economies, by contrast, decisions are made by politicians and bureaucrats who have no understanding of how anything works and who pay no price for being wrong, leading to massive malinvestment and waste. Even nominally Communist governments were forced to implement some capitalist policies after learning this the hard way, though the degree to which they did so varied from country to country, with China being among the most capitalist and North Korea being the least.

Furthermore, Bakunin's predictions about the dictatorship of the proletariat turning into a dictatorship ''over'' the proletariat have proven to be consistently correct, with party bureaucracies quickly assuming the same exploitative practices that their capitalist precursors used and claiming the means of production for themselves rather than passing them onto the workers. Often, they actually made those practices worse and suppressed labor movements more aggressively than the capitalists they had overthrown.

Liberal philosophers like Karl Popper on the other hand took a more fundamental approach to their critique; Popper in particular had the major criticism that history doesn't run on predetermined rulesets and laws, like Marx thought, and that such a line of thinking, especially when paired with the promise of a socialist utopia, would ultimately just serve people like Lenin and Mao Zedong, who would abuse this ideology to create authoritarian nightmares that only serve themselves. Seeing how the Socialist dream always ended in stagnation, dictatorship and misery, he was ultimately proven to be right about a lot of things. Sociologists like Didier Eribon formulated another criticism on how Marxism views society; mainly that the working class, especially in our day and age, is not a uniform monolithic bloc that can be rallied to join a revolution or even a cause. While sharing common interests, how these interests manifest themselves in any individual can range wildly and also how the influence of social background often unconsciously makes people act against their own interests.

Even in an ideal universe where the bureaucracy running a centrally planned economy wasn't corrupt or inept, the technology to monitor and plan any sort of national economy has yet to be invented and what we have now can't keep track of everything well enough to make it work; the average economy is incredibly complex and not even the most advanced computers that currently exist can predict every possible variable that might affect how the economy functions (let alone predict the long term effects of a plan), so mistakes will inevitably occur and snowball with dangerous consequences. As a result, a centrally planned economy invariably destroys the countries in which it is attempted due to drop of quality in consumer products, and eventually, food sources. Countries like China use the international market to get around this, but this is only delaying the inevitable. It gets even worse when you factor in the further increased complexity demanded by globalization. Technological advancements in the future might be able to mitigate this issue or even solve it outright, but they may not happen for a very long time.

Other types of planned economies exist too, but they are much less common and tend to exist on smaller scales so we can't really tell how well they'd work on a national level, let alone an international one. They do seem to function surprisingly well on a regional/municipal scale though, especially those which are decentralized and use little to no top-down authority when making decisions. Only time will tell if they work on larger scales too, assuming that they are not forcibly ended by their rivals first.

The economic failures of Socialist countries can also be found in Communist ideology itself; if your state says that it's heaven on earth, then said state won't do a whole lot to potentially improve things it has apart from occasional repairs or inventing new things that aren't necessary for its own survival. The downfall of the USSR and its aftermath is a good example of this; WWII destroyed a lot of stuff in Russia, so the government increased funding for sectors essential to rebuilding the nation. Productivity remained high until the late 70s, when, paired with party cronyism, the job of rebuilding Russia was finished and productivity started to stagnate on a high level. The only sectors that saw regular innovation and new invention were the arms and nuclear weapons industry. So it came to be that the West ultimately shot waaaay past the USSR in terms of productivity and wealth and ultimately defeated it.

That being said, mixed economies combining elements of communism and capitalism (e.g. Keynesianism and the "Nordic Model") have consistently proven to be functional enough to not destroy countries, albeit these successes have much more to do with cultural factors than with any success of communist ideology, the latter of which has steadily been abandoned over the last few decades. As mentioned above, these mixed economies are typically viewed by socialists to be more closely related to capitalism than communism, and most of them believe that the welfare systems they depend on are likely to be privatized in the absence of a stronger shift away from a capitalist economy. Several of these economies have indeed been abandoning their socialist elements over time in favor of a more capitalistic system, due in no small part to economic stagnation and near-collapse due to socialist economic policies, although one could also point to major corporate and capitalist interests undermining said socialist policies as a cause of both of those. We're not in a position to say which of those explanations is more likely to be true, so we'll leave it at that.

Furthermore, Communist governments tend to move away from the tenets of Marx and Engels in an attempt to force their ideas to work in situations they were never intended to function in. Marx believed that the shift to socialism and then communism could '''only''' work in an advanced industrial capitalist society with an established working class and that any attempt to make it happen before that point was doomed to backfire (and as Venezuela has since shown us, even THAT prediction was clearly wrong), and one must also remember that while much of what he said was prescient, he had no idea how capitalism would develop past his own era.

Lenin got around this by claiming that he could "telescope" the capitalist and socialist revolutions into a single event with the aid of the aforementioned vanguard party and proposing an alliance with the Russian peasantry to compensate for the undeveloped presence of the working class. Even then, Lenin tentatively allowed a shift back to private ownership for the Kulaks just so the Soviet economy could get back on its feet, before Stalin purged them all as class enemies and triggered a widespread famine known as the Holodomor (which the vast majority of historians suspect was intentional on Stalin's part).

Mao Zedong took this to an even further extreme by forcing the revolution in the primarily agrarian China and then trying to kick-start industrialization with the "Great Leap Forward". It was a total failure for several different reasons, and Mao's hamfisted attempt to retain control of the Communist Party afterwards gave rise to the Cultural Revolution and all the bloodshed that came with it. Somewhat like Lenin, Mao's successor Deng Xiaoping ended up implementing capitalist policies (while leaving all the other oppressive elements intact) in response to the earlier economic crises. While it did salvage the economy, it also ended up producing a system that arguably combines the worst qualities of both capitalism and communism that survives only by constant pandering to nationalist sentiments.

Because of the legacy of the Cold War and everything mentioned above, mass famines among numerous communist countries, and widespread human rights abuses from the regimes of communist leaders, communism is about as "loved" as fascism; there's good reason why people occasionally put Stalin and Mao, and communism/socialism, on equal footing with [[Nazis|Hitler]] and Imperial Japan in terms of evilness. Even the forms of communism that originated independently of the Leninist traditions are generally poorly regarded at best due to guilt by association. This is ironic, given that Lenin (and later Stalin) spent a considerable period of time trying to wipe out the forms of communism that diverged from Leninism.

As an interesting closing note, some people claim that the rise of automation (robotic and algorithmic) has the potential to bring about a society that resembles what communism tried to achieve. Today, most farming is done either automatically, or by a single dude riding a combine and doing the job of hundreds of farmers in a single day, manufacturing has also similarly gone through a wave of automation which has seen many factories reduce the number of their workers from hundreds to mere dozens, and the recent bastion of human labor - the service sector - is slowly seeing the penetration of algorithms and in rare cases robots into the fold. What all this means is that humanity needs to do less and less work while the automated systems do it just as well if not better, these 'means of production' can be (in theory) easily nationalized and the usual problems of people slacking off due to everyone being paid equally is eliminated since both the neurosurgeon and waiter who are 'paid the same for their effort' are robots. Add to that the rise of 3D printing which may act as poor man's Star Trek replicators (eliminating the need to buy a smörgåsbord of stuff) and theoretically we could be on track towards "fully automated luxury gay space communism". However, none of these advances do anything about the economic calculation problem. They do not tell us how many robots to build or whether those robots should farm corn or assemble 3D-printed guns. More relevant from a communist perspective is the fact that these robots are still ''privately owned'' and so fail to address the core issue with capitalism in that the workers do not control the means of production and still have to sell their labor to live. All of this automation merely reduces the demand for human labor in some parts of the economy, pushing workers into whatever sectors of the economy are still hiring humans and leaving them destitute if they can't find anyone to sell their labor to. In fact, the original Luddite movement was a reaction to this very issue: it was composed of textile workers who had lost their jobs as a result of machinery eliminating the need for their skilled labor. (Contrary to popular belief, they didn't oppose technology itself so much as the fact that said technology was being used by employers to put weavers out of work and offered the ones that remained employed nothing in return but lower wages.) As always, only time will tell if automation can live up to its hype but historical precedent thus far is not promising.

=== Note ===
It also is notable that Communist is often used as a dismissive snarl in modern first world politics against the left wing, even when actual Stalinist-style communists (or "tankies" as other communists and socialists call them, a reference to the Soviets' sending in tanks to suppress the Hungarian Revolution of 1956) are a small minority on the fringes. There is also a distinction between Revolutionary Communists like the Bolsheviks and the Democratic Socialists such as the German SPD, which believe that the transition to socialism and then communism does not necessarily require an outright revolution and can be implemented through peaceful means. Ironically, it is the latter that more closely resembles classical Marxism. Democratic socialism in turn is not to be confused with social democracy, which is a form of liberal democracy whose capitalist economic system is paired with regulation and social welfare programs to mitigate the excesses of capitalism (with varying degrees of success as described above).

==Communism in Traditional Games==
In general there are three ways communism is used in fiction and board games:

1: '''Filthy Godless Red BASTARDS!''': Dangerous, faceless enemies, ripped straight from the wettest dreams of the Cold War-era American John Birch society. These communists are the enemy; a vast, brutal, godless horde determined to take over the world that our heroes must resist. Nowadays, this attitude is usually played for comedy, as in ''[[Paranoia]]'' where Friend Computer's glitched-out personality has made it a paranoid wreck obsessed with a largely-imaginary adversary (while creating some actual communists in the process). Others have played it seriously, especially in works produced during the Cold War (such as the 1984 film ''Red Dawn''). By the way, if you want an example of literal CommuNazis, the East German Stasi are a good place to start, although the Nazi part is mostly aesthetic and the Communist ideology is what was dominant (for CommuNazis as an ideology, Nazbols are basically that, combining far left economic policy and far right cultural party). Red Alert 1 is a /v/idya example, totally starting with a massive Tabun gas attack on the Polish city of Torun with ''children'' being discussed as dying the easiest.

2: '''Champions of the Proletariat''': The other side of the coin to what is listed above. These are either rebels against corrupt corporate overlords (frequently cyberpunk heroes) or a body of workers and soldiers fighting against fascist invaders (any game from the Russian perspective in WWII will count). Occasionally this show up in Medieval settings as anachronistic peasant revolts or other politically-radical types out to pull down the social parts of [[Medieval Stasis]]. Red Alert 3 has this a smidge between the lines, moreso in Uprising where they avenge innocent Russian citizens being frozen and crushed alive for fun by bloodthirsty Allied mercenaries.

3: '''GLORIOUS COMMUNISTS''': Somewhere between the other two and generally played for laughs. Communist regimes are oppressive and ponderous, but also able to do great things through sheer force of Industrial Might, Soviet Super Science, Stalinist Architecture and Will-Of-The-People and can be heroic just as easily as villainous. See Red Alert-II(more of it) and III(less of it), and to a lesser extent a few parts of the [[Imperium of Man]]. As close to real communism as you can get, comrade.

Communism has also provided us with the Russian army, which is an awesome gaming resource and reference, either in a drunken, drown-your-enemies-with-bodies-and-artillery sort of way (World War II), or a send-in-the-hardened-and-manly-Spetsnaz-and-tanks way (Cold War). It is a sacred law of [[/tg/]] alternate history [[/tg/'s homebrews|homebrew]] settings that there must be at least one communist faction and it must control at least 50% of the world's total landmass. Even [[Warmachine| Khador]] draws on the imagery of the Soviet armed forces, despite being more analogous to Tsarist/Imperialist Russia politically, aside from their Manifest Destiny "Why can't everyone else just roll over and let us conquer them?!" ideology that has... [[Nazi| other roots]].

Like all radical ideologies, communists are all over [[Shadowrun|the Sixth World]], mostly among the poor and disenfranchised who can't help looking up at the big fancy megacorp enclaves and wondering how ''that'' makes any kind of just sense. The Berlin Flux State was probably the biggest and most successful anarcho-communist enclave in-setting for a while, before it became such an embarrassment to the megacorps insisting they should be the only game in town that many of them (including the one run by the great dragon Lofwyr) had it dismantled somewhere around second or third edition.

People like to call the [[Tau]] communist. There's ''some'' truth to that, given they're a highly-collective society that generally values group achievement over personal accomplishment, but they're also a largely class-stratified society, with only the assurance that their leaders are theoretically cooperating for the [[Greater Good]] to keep them from being out-and-out feudalists with castes. This system is actually very similar to Italian and Spanish ''[[Nazi|fascism]]'', where the economy was split between several large trade-based corporations, where the workers and the bourgeoisie were supposed to talk out their issues together (under the benevolent guidance of the party elites of course) but this is not a perfect fit either.

There was also the [[Gretchin Revolutionary Committee]], a parody of the kinds of communist guerrillas of previous decades, who are armed grots out to demand equal treatment from their Ork masters with comical results. The Imperium, being a decentralized feudalistic empire, undoubtedly has many worlds that have communist governing bodies and economies, and maybe even a few where things worked out okay.

In [[Necromunda|necromunda]] [[House_Orlock|house orlock]] organizes itself similar to a union "serfs" can become gangers after reaching production quotas and are guaranteed protection from gangs. This reform only happened after a revolution that started as a slave revolt aiming to exterminate the house but changed into a purge of the old nobility. The reformed gang is less a noble house now and more a corrupted labor movement turned extortion racket.

The [[Genestealer_Cult|genestealers]] of the rusted claw have a communistic vibe as they utterly reject wealth in all its forms to the point that they dont bathe or maintain their weaponry allowing it to rust. They willingly joined the [[Tyranid|tyranids]] in order to escape the dismal working conditions of the [[Adeptus_Mechanicus|mechanicus]] and are one of the few truly nihilistic cults as some of them know that their masters will kill them in the end.

In '''Pariah: Ravenor vs. Eisenhorn''', Alizebeth Bequin (The clone) was seen hunting for relics from a collector. There, she came across [[wat|an ancient children's toy in the shape of a rocket with the marking of C.C.C.P (aka '''оюз Советских Социалистических Республик''' (Soviet Union))]]. Although it was obvious that 40k sets in the far future of our real world, it none the less confirmed the existences of Soviet Russia and communism in the setting. Btw, neither Bequin nor the collector knew what CCCP meant, considered much of the ancient Terra history were lost in the far future, but at least they remembered ancient humans on Terra made their ''first step'' to space using chemical rockets.

[[Pathfinder Roleplaying Game|Golarion]] has got a semi-hemi-demi communist nation in-setting: Galt, land of insane, constant revolution where the only winners are the ''final blades''. It represents the "messy revolutionary" kind of communism rather than any of the three flavors above, though there's some obvious mixing with the principals of the French Revolution that was its more-direct inspiration.

The [[Harpers]] of Faerun are, among other things, semi-communists in outlook. They strongly favor removing power from single governments and shifting leadership to individual communities. This can make them heroic when unseating despots but significantly less so when assassinating anyone who tries to unite the city-states.

[[Khador]] in Warmachine takes the Glorious Soviet Russia identity and wears it like a badge, even though its actual government resembles Tzarist Russia.

''[[Star Trek]]'' is complicated. On the one hand, the Federation has essentially a communist economy and they have the humanist element down, but their advanced technology has created a post-scarcity economy, so it can be interpreted that the producers thought this would be a natural product of a society where everybody was self-sufficient. Conversely, their chief rivals, the Klingons and the Romulans, are transparent analogues of the USSR and Maoist China seen through the pre-détente eyes of an American lounge lizard. Similar post-scarcity communists are common in ''[[Eclipse Phase]]'', though with a much stronger anarchist bent. They are largely and uncomplicatedly perfect due to the game designers' raging stiffy for that kind of thing.

Any WWII or quasi-WWII game worth its salt will have a communist faction, including the classic ''[[Axis & Allies]]'' and the modern wargame ''[[Flames of War]]''. Additionally, many classic board games have attempted to tap into the forty-five year struggle for dominance between America and the communists. The most famous and best is probably ''[[Twilight Struggle]]''. [[TSR]] also released an RPG set during the Cold War called ''[[Top Secret]]'', though, like most non-''D&D'' TSR products, no one under thirty-five has ever heard of it.

{{BLAM|This article has been marked as containing treasonous capitalist road sentiments. Please report to your local commissariat for re-education through labor.}}

==Gallery==
<center><gallery>
File:AK-47.jpg|Glorious Soviet Industries could be used to produce huge numbers of reliable and effective things which are still in high demand after a half a century...
File:Lada 1200.jpg||...Their cars are not on that list.
File:Communism and the NTS Fallacy.png|(not pictured, Ho Chi Minh, Fidel Castro and more)
File:Space marine commie.jpg| Do your duty comrade
File: Stalin space marine.jpg| This is how some people think World War II actually went
File: Space marine revolution.jpg| The cure for [[Chick Tracts]] ("something something worse than the disease")
</gallery></center>

==See Also==
* [[Imperium of Man]] as it too was based on a revolutionary progressive ideal that gave way to despotism, with the big question being if this was a natural consequence of the ideal or a complete perversion.
* Come to think of it, most failed utopian societies that /tg/ loves probably borrowed from the history of Soviet Russia in some way, especially from the revolutionary to Stalinist era.

[[category:Not related]]
[[Category:history]]

Approved Television

2022-03-04T00:50:22Z

2A0B:F4C2:1:0:0:0:0:1: /* Historical */

This a collection of /tg/-approved live-action television. Cartoons and animated series have been moved to [[Approved cartoons]].

==Comedy==
*'''Blackadder''': A historical comedy about the descendants of the Blackadder family, all named Edmund and all played by Rowan Atkinson (equally well-known for his sketch-comedy character, Mr. Bean), with each season taking place in a different period of British history, starting in the Middle Ages and ending with the First World War. Very British yet goofy in its tone and sense of humour with plenty of in-jokes for the historians, and plenty more for those who aren't. While the first season is considered to be mediocre by pretty much everyone (despite having BRIAN BLESSED in it as Edmund I's father), the writing improves in season two and keeps getting better, with season four's finale being a a masterclass in writing [[noblebright|humour]] without sacrificing [[grimdark]]. If you ever wondered what kind of jokes would fit either of the Warhammers, look no further. Indeed, so well does Blackadder fit the 40k universe, he helped inspire [[Ciaphas Cain]] and someone else [https://www.fanfiction.net/s/4648258/1/Blackadder-40K-Tales-from-the-Black-Millennium| put the man himself there].

*'''Danger 5''': A modern Australian spoof of WW2 spy fiction from the 60s, telling a story of international team of Allied spies on their mission to kill Hitler and stop him from conquering the world. Has that perfect balance between being campy and self-aware, without becoming self-indulgent or over-the-top about it. It also does pulp better than whole bunch of more "serious" media, so highly recommended if you are planning to run some ''Hollow Earth Expedition'' or similar.

*'''Hero Corp''': A French comedy series about poking fun out of superheroes and cape stuff in general. However, rather than being some sort of obnoxious parody, it's simply a humorous take on the material, while having an assembly cast of interesting characters and balancing between self-awarness and plot-related humour. You probably know it already from the "Low Power Supers" webm that gets routinely posted in filename threads.

*'''Mystery Science Theater 3000:''' A bunch of Minnesotans with robot puppets riff on terrible movies. Achieved legendary cult classic status after being canceled (since it confused and angered the norms and behind the scenes shenanigans) and spawned the venerable [http://www.rifftrax.com Rifftrax]. Has come back from the dead on Netflix. Netflix version has some pros and cons, for example they seem to try and talk more often but in doing so their jokes became pretty lackluster, but with such a long break and with 10 ep seasons almost every movie is a hit (well, hit for this kind of show that is).

*'''[[Red Dwarf]]''': The other [[Doctor Who|long-running British cult sci-fi show]]. Follows the story of the remaining crew of the Red Dwarf, more specifically, a low-ranking technician who was accidentally frozen in time for 3 million years and is now the last living crew member, and possibly, [[Grimdark|the last living human]].

==Crime==

*'''Breaking Bad''' The story of a high-school chemistry teacher succumbing to cancer turned meth maker and his junkie ex-student sidekick. A premise made special by its excellent writing that won Bryan Cranston and the creative team 10d100 Emmys for portraying Mr. Rodger's gradual slide into a paranoid drug kingpin without any sign of seasonal decay. This is how you RP, people! Take note.
**'''Better Call Saul''' A solid spin-off series of the above. Well written, well acted, and pretty good at showing how the American legal system works. Most importantly, if you ever wondered what it takes to be a good Face, Jimmy is one of the prime examples to observe.

*'''Columbo''' Oldschool detective series without action, the investigation instead being an intellectual challenge. The protagonist, even though he is a Lieutenant of the Las Angeles Police Department, doesn't have a gun and is actually afraid of shooting. He has a wife who is only mentioned and never seen, because it's a running gag to not show her at all. The whole show's construction is unique in the way that the viewer can see the crime itself first, and then Columbo's investigation of it as he figures out how to catch the criminal. And the most famous gimmick being that Columbo acts like a complete moron, to throw people off.

*'''Glina''' ["Cop"] Amazingly good Polish neo-noir series. While it starts slow, after initial few episodes it turns into a modern masterpiece of crime series. Very oldschool in style, with a wide range of different cases, juicy dialogues (or at least juicy translation) and great performances. If you ever wanted to run or play an investigation game, accept no substitute for inspiration or direct rip-off.

*'''Mindhunter''' A series dedicated to the history of criminal profiling, rather than typical case-to-case procedural. Instead of being a material to rip-off cases from, it's still invaluable source of ideas and hooks, precisely due to it subject matter: motive that goes beyond "greedy" and "insane", while still keeping things simple. If you are routinely running investigation-heavy games, this show can definitely help to sort things out and step up your game.

*'''True Detective''' First season, anyway. Southern gothic meets modern investigation meets a whole plot reference to [[Yog-Sothothery|The King in Yellow]]. Very dark and climactic series, with solid performances and a bunch of ideas how to pull a modern "investigator" type of game Call of Cthulhu struggles so badly to market.

*'''Twin Peaks''' A somewhat [[skub]]worthy entry, given [[Dune#The_Movies|David Lynch's involvement]], but a worthwhile watch, nonetheless. What starts off as a fairly cheesy whodunnit about the murder of the local homecoming queen soon reveals itself to be something more in line with paranormal surrealist horror. If you're not sure how to make your [[Call of Cthulhu]] game walk the line between the supernatural and the mundane, then this is your guide. Watch seasons one & two, then the film, and then season 3 for maximum authenticity.

*'''The Wire''' Everybody else recommends it, so why not us? Grimdark crime drama about drug dealing in Baltimore. If you want a good primer on how to do [[Grimdark]] well, this is a fairly good place to start.

==Fantasy==
*'''Beforeigners''': He's an old cop with a drug problem. She's a Norse shieldmaiden straight out of the academy. Together, they fight crime! A Norwegian series dealing with involuntary time travel, written as a police procedural. Borderline comedy series, spoofing variety of time travel cliches, while treating itself serious enough to not turn into a shallow parody.

*'''Buffy the Vampire Slayer:''' The story of an average teenage girl who deals with all the average teenage girl things such as school, boyfriends and, eventually, college and adult life. She's also the chosen one, whose duty it is to defend the earth from demons, monsters, vampires, and whatever other nasty shit's out there. At times, the show is pretty cheesy (especially season one), at times it crosses into grimderp (like season 6), but all-in-all, it's a well-written urban fantasy show that redefined what television could be at the time it came out, and your [[World of Darkness|OWoD]] campaign will thank you for taking inspiration. Theme song simply rocks.
**'''Angel:''' Buffy's edgy, noir-inspired brother. Slightly darker tone with a similar style of story-telling. Like most spin-offs it's not quite as good as it's predecessor, and you can't really watch it without the original, but if you loved Buffy, but wanted a more urban flavour, this is where you go, when season four starts.

*'''Carnivale:''' A group of depression era carnies are caught up in a Manichean struggle between the forces of light and darkness. One of HBO's first experiments with high concept, high budget fantasy. Died ignominiously after two seasons due to scripting problems, audience apathy, and [[grimdark]] overload; but paved the way for those who would follow.

*'''[[A Song of Ice and Fire|Game of Thrones]]:''' [[George R. R. Martin|GRRM]]'s pet project finally made it to the small screen. Combines the epic swords and sorcery of high fantasy with the nihilistic hopelessness of quasi-medieval life. Thanks to Martin's <s>amazing</s> <s>horrible</s> [[skub]]tastic writing and HBO's massive budget, this show has gone a long way towards making fantasy "respectable". It's known for containing gratuitous amounts of sex and violence even by the standards of the source material, and got progressively chunkier after the show writers made some [[C.S. Goto|questionable characterization calls]] and also ran out of Martin's books to cannibalise, but it's not like you'll find any other fantasy show on TV that was as well-funded as this one.

*'''Hercules: The Legendary Journeys:''' Concentrated nostalgia from back in the days when fantasy shows were relegated to [[Friday]] night time slots where they couldn't harm the general public. If you're a neckbeard in your thirties, this show probably had something to do with it. It operated on a knowingly anachronistic premise and has fun with it. Kind of embarrassing by today's standards, but it pioneered everything from CGI monsters to filming in New Zealand. Resulted in its much more famous spin-off series...
**<nowiki></nowiki>'''Xena: Warrior Princess:''' Before you knew her as an uppity Cylon or an insane Roman housewife, Lucy Lawless was ''the'' leather clad, god slaying, Amazon OG. If you're a neckbeard in your thirties (or a ca/tg/irl who liked Gabrielle a ''little'' too much), you probably fapped to it. The cultural cachet of this show is so great that even underage B& that never could have seen it will recognize the character.

*'''Masters of Horror''': An anthology resembling more a collection of short films than your typical TV series. Each story is directed by some legend in horror business, and by general rule those fantasy-themed stories are better than the sci-fi ones. Special mention goes to "Deer Woman", "Cigarette Burns" and "Fair Haired Child". '''Warning!''' Certain episodes require hefty dose of brain bleach to forget what you've just saw (not kidding), while other are more black comedy than actual horror.

*'''Pierścień i róża''' ["The Rose and the Ring"]: An adaptation of a fantastical novel by William Makepeace Thackeray... done by Poles... as a musical comedy miniseries... in the 80s. Despite sounding like a recipe for a disaster, it's a solid watch, with vibrant, well-defined characters and multi-layered plot distilled enough for kids to still follow, but also poking fun out of variety of fantasy and fairy tale cliches and, well, [[promotions|fanservice galore]]. If you ever needed an inspiration for a tongue-in-cheek, but not completely crazy game, look no further. Important note! While there is a film version, it's just an abridged variant of the series, so it's best ignored.

*'''西遊記 (Saiyuki, or "Monkey" if you're a filthy gaijin)''': A 1978 Japanese adaptation of Journey to the West. While this is far from being the best adaptation, it is probably one of the most widely known outside of Asia (with the exception of Dragonball), thanks in part to the BBC buying the rights and producing a cheesy and hilarious dub for it. This is probably from where your [[Weeaboo]] GM got his most insane ideas.

*'''[[The Witcher|Witcher]]''': A shoe-string budget fantasy series (still one of the most expensive productions in native Poland) about - well, who else - [[Geralt of Rivia|Geralt the Witcher]], made by Poles in 2001. The quality of episodes varies greatly, while the special effects aged like milk, but it's still a fun ride to take. This is how fantasy became for a while mainstream in Poland. Absolutely '''great''' music, which can be repurposed as a background for combat-heavy games. If you happen to get a DVD release and not just bootleg from TV, then the cinematography will be gorgeous too. Also, warning - the show was marketed abroad under "Hexer" title, as the term "Witcher" wasn't coined yet.
**'''The Witcher: America''': Netflix' own take on the now bestselling book series. Tries to be Game of Thrones, but focuses on a handful of main characters instead of the massive ensemble cast that GoT had. Has problems communicating own chronology and just like Hexer, quality of episodes varies wildly, but overall, it's fun, with Henry Cavill being surprisingly good, able to pull off the manly, yet emotionally stunted vibe. Also, lots of [[promotions|tits]].

*'''Wizards and Warriors''': A short-lived fantasy series from early 80s, mostly memorable due to being so heavily borrowing ideas and imaginery from early [[Dungeons and Dragons]] it almost ended with a lawsuit. Amazingly tacky, but still mineable in case of running old-school D&D games. And remember - those costumes won an Emmy. For real.

==Historical==
*'''Arthur of the Britons''': The 1970s Arthurian legend series, mostly famous for giving it a "muh realism" makeover - but without making it drab, boring or covered in mud. While it removes all of the magical and fantastical elements (along with good chunk of characters you might attribute to king Arthur), it's still first and foremost an action-packed swashbuckling adventure with lots of swordplay and court intrigues. While [[Pendragon]] doesn't share the aesthetics, it sure as hell takes the premise of this series. Being British, it's also very short.

*'''Black Sails''': A prequel to Treasure Island mixed with historical pirates of the 1700s and the history of the pirate republic of Nassau. Features a ridiculously awesome soundtrack. Starts off good but a little rough, but then comes into its own in season 2. Obviously good stuff for a pirate-themed game, but a lot of the subplots is flashed out enough to work for other settings as well.

*'''Czarne Chmury''' ["Dark Clouds", or literally, "Black Clouds"]: It's the 1660s and even in hard-earned peace dark clouds are gathering over the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth. The freshly sovereign Prussia is already plotting with Brandenburg against the Commonwealth. A young, daring colonel of the Prussian Dragoons switches sides and goes on a mission to the Polish capital to inform about the plot against the Polish crown. One of the most quintessential swashbuckling series ever made, with the added bonus of unique, rarely used setting: late 17th century PLC and slowly, but surely rising Prussia. Easily accessible on Youtube with multilingual subtitles, with only 10 episodes.

*'''Deadwood''': Another HBO series, focusing on the settlement of Deadwood and its development from mining camp to frontier town. The attempts to make the town and its world come alive are glorious. Excellent performances across the board, with the standout being Al "Fuck That Cocksucking Motherfucker" Swearengen. GMs looking for how wild and lawless frontiers can become platforms for adventurers should check this out, and steal as many subplots as you can for your [[Deadlands]] game.

*'''I, Claudius''': A BBC miniseries based on the book of the same name from 1976. While dated, both in historical accuracy and production values, it's still one of the most accurate depictions of Ancient Rome in television. Also known for fanservice to rival most modern shows.

*'''Marco Polo''': A Netflix exclusive series, Marco Polo follows the famous Italian merchant while he tries to survive in the court of Kublai Khan, the grandson of [[Genghis motherfucking Khan]]. While not historically accurate it is certainly very entertaining with war, political intrigue, and [[Slaanesh|concubines out the ass.]] Also [[Mongols]]. If anything, the character One-Hundred eyes makes the show worth the watch because of how badass he is. Seriously; a Daoist monk that Kublai blinded with a spitting cobra because he wouldn't teach his martial art to his generals. [[Awesome|And he can still kick ass while blind]].

*'''Robin of Sherwood''': You probably know the title song from it without even knowing the show. Unlike the countless attempts to make Robin Hood-themed TV series, this one is actually good. Really, really fucking good. In fact, it's so influential, pretty much every single future incarnation of Robin Hood is looking at this series for inspiration and rip-off (not to mention the entire string of copy-cats in the late 80s and early 90s riding on its popularity), while Errol Flynn swashbuckling and romancing got reduced to parodies and spoofs. Has three seasons, but as a Britbong production, that means only 26 episodes in total.

*'''Rome:''' It's HBO so the tits and ultraviolence spigot is still wide open, but this one actually does some good world building and political intrigue on the side. There is a good chance every Romaboo you know came from watching this show. Just don't try to use it as a point of reference for historical campaigns.

*'''Spartacus: Blood and Sand''' A faithful historical narrative about the third servile war and the various social pressures that precipita... phhht no I'm kidding it's wall to wall tits and ultraviolence. Despite being a relentlessly silly 300 wanna-be that had no business ever being green lit it actually managed to be a treasure trove of feels and [[awesome]], due in large part to unusually solid writing and some heroic performances by actors like John Hannah, Lucy Lawless, Craig Parker, and Peter Mensah.

*'''三国 (Three Kingdoms 2010):''' Widely regarded as the best (for the west at least. In its native country its a [[skub|different story...]]) and most accessible version of China's most famous story (essentially their Iliad). Almost a hundred hours long, epic scope, tons of actors, and legions of extras (you can buy them by the bushel over there). Almost worth it for Chen Jianbin's [http://youtu.be/l8e4LBSscVo?t=35m8s gloriously dickish Cao Cao] alone, but there's plenty of other reasons to stick around. The entire thing is available on youtube and elsewhere because CCTV could not give two shits about licensing it outside of the country.
** Currently a team is working on subtitling [https://gentlemenofthehan.wordpress.com/2022/03/01/announcing-romance-of-the-three-kingdoms-1994-episodes-1-23-english-subtitle-release/ the 1994 version of Three Kingdoms], if you want something different.

*'''Vikings''': History's bid to gain at least a fraction of GoT audience, while also catering to reenactors, historical witzs and just about general audience, since, duh, vikings. Very well-researched and tightly written, the show comes with very high initial quality. Unfortunately, it also suffers greatly from seasonal rot after first 2 seasons and utterly pointless continuation at this point, so be warned about highly visible drop of quality with each season.

==Sci Fi==
*'''[[Babylon 5]]''': It's the future, after humanity narrowly escaped extermination in a war with the Minbari (bone headed guys who are like the Eldar with the dickishness dialed down to mostly manageable levels) it sets up a space station in neutral territory to act as a center of diplomacy to try to avert another war which gradually gets embroiled in an ancient conflict between two powerful alien civilizations. While most TV Science Fiction in the day was "this week's adventure" Babylon 5 set out to tell a grand story and (mostly) succeeded. The first space sci-fi to use CGI instead of motion control photography, so it hasn't aged that well visually.

*'''Battlestar Galactica''': In a galaxy far, far away humanity is engaged in a war with a legion of cybernetic assholes called Cylons. In a total dick move the genocidal toasters feign a peace offering and decimate the human fleet, except for a a few starships which manage to escape. Organizing under the protection of the titular Battlestar-class ''Galactica'' this ragtag refugee fleet, assuming they are the only survivors, attempts to escape to the fabled planet called [[Earth]].
**<nowiki></nowiki>Comes in two flavors: Original 1970s (Cheesetastic, but hilarious if you're into that sort of thing) and Immediate-Post-9/11-Reboot ([[Grimdark]], and actually pretty good). Both recommended, but other than initial premise, the two are '''wildly''' different. Be aware going in that the modern version has a reputation for producing an especially terrible ending for the show(even more so in some circles then even Lost!).

*'''Dark''': German time travel sci-fi available on Netflix. One of the very best examples of a closed time loop, all thanks to the "plan your plot ahead of filming" approach. So it manages to maintain a coherent story throughout three seasons. With typical German efficiency, everything shown is important and plot relevant, and every thread and question is tied up and answered at the end. You may want to take notes to keep track of everything - it gets very complicated. You may also take notes on how and why to plan the structure of your campaign.

*'''[[Doctor Who]]''': The adventures of the universe's saddest time traveling bro. Absolutely ancient in canon and out (the show predates Star Trek by three years). Cheesy special effects, but it's got heart and (usually) good writing. It's bigger on the inside.
**'''Torchwood''': [[Grimderp|"Grimdark"]] spin-off of the above. Mostly just comes off as stupid, though. Notable for being the most popular (and least terrible) spin-off of the RTD era. Also notable is the [[Harkness Test|sheer amount of aliens Captain Jack fucks]]. Skip to season 3 if you want the better half of this show's run.

*'''The Expanse''': A Syfy adaptation of the novel series. Tensions are building between Earth, Mars and the Asteroid Belt when <s>[[Samus|Phazon]]</s> an unknown alien element gets discovered and throws everything out of wack. It's pretty [[grimdark]] and political, notable as one of the hardest sci-fi shows ever put on screen. The depictions of space travel are scrupulously realistic (except for the alien weirdness). The source novels were written by the assistants of [[George R. R. Martin]], so the Expanse is basically the best-case outcome for the "Game of Thrones IN SPACE" premise.

*'''Farscape''': Muppets in spaaaace! This show, produced by the Jim Henson company, is dark. Even media in self-professed [[grimdark]] settings rarely put their main characters through this much torment. You wouldn't think it when it starts out, the first half of the first season being notoriously cheesy, but the cheese you wade through at the start belies an intense series as every major military organization in the galaxy targets our hero for torture, [[rape|mindrape]], and death. Few stories to date put their heroes through such a gauntlet, but the audience follows John Crichton's journey from all-American hero to notorious interstellar terrorist from start to finish, rooting for him the entire way.

*'''[[Firefly]]:''' [[Traveller]] except about post-bellum Confederates '''IN SPAAAAAACE'''. Like most of the Whedonverse praising it on /tg/ will unleash a category 5 [[skub]]storm.

*'''For All Mankind''': Made by Ronald D. Moore (DS9, NeoBSG), For All Mankind takes place in a world where the Soviets got to the moon first kicking the space race into overdrive. If you like NASA and things with a hopeful tone, this is the show for you. You are free to skip first half of first season after watching the opening, as literally nothing happens.

*'''[[Star Wars:The Mandalorian|The Mandalorian]]''': Take Star Wars blender, throw in ''Lone Wolf and Cub'' scenario and copious amount of western, put on high speed and you've got this show. Decent action sequences and making good use out of own universe. Plot is very "gamey" in structure, adding extra use for /tg/ purposes. See the actual article for details.

*'''The Prisoner''': A 60s classic sadly fallen into obscurity, it tells us the story of an unnamed British spy that gets kidnapped by a secret organization after resigning for motives unknown. He is moved to a place only known as "The Village", a sort of idylic place inhabited by old and brainwashed special agents of many nationalities, where noone can escape. Incredibly ambitious for its time, it tackles themes such as identity and duty, while also making the protagonist fight with his wit and smarts his captors, while at the same time they keep him trapped in The Village. If you haven't heard about it, don't worry, you've probably heard about it because it has been parodied in The Simpsons once (twice if you include Rover!).

*'''seaQuest DSV''': Basically Star Trek but on a submarine and staring that guy from Jaws. Like Star Trek, it ran for three seasons. Also like Star Trek, it was technically cancelled after every season. Unlike Star Trek, comes with distinctively different flavour each season: first one is almost science fantasy, second is strictly sci-fi and bordering on cyberpunk, third is military sci-fi.

*'''Spellbinder''': A two-season series, or rather two thinly connected standalone series dealing with parallel worlds. Each "season" can be seen as separate story, as they only share one character (an ''extremely'' compelling villainess) and the general concept of alternative universe(s). Despite being made for kids, it's very much watchable even two decades later - think "Sliders", but good and with plot. It also comes with few pretty interesting settings with some rich world-building. A third season has been in development hell since 1998.

*'''[[Star Trek]]''': It's Star Trek. If you<s> were born some time in the last half century you probably heard of it</s>'re not a drooling mongoloid you've heard of it.

*'''Stargate:''' At first there was a Roland Emmerich movie based around the Ancient Astronaut theory and finding a Big Ring in Egypt which can take you to another world, which was an adequate science-fiction action romp. Even so, it did well enough to get a Television series in Stargate SG-1. It changed a few things about from the movie (usually for the better) and had a rocky first season (for the worse), but after that it became one of the better science fiction series. Plenty of action, excellent characters performed by excellent actors, memorable humor and succeeds both as an episode-to-episode series as well as with long continuity arcs. The last two seasons with the Ori are ass, though; watch at your own risk.

*'''The X-Files''': All possible and imaginable conspiracy theories about aliens mixed together for the show that redefined how to even make a sci-fi themed series. Plus monster of the week plots thrown in for a good measure. The show balances between being serious, self-aware, camp and horror. Following adventures of two FBI agents, both working in a sub-division dealing with "paranormal" cases, treated by rest of the Bureau as a dead-end in the career. Even if you don't have time to watch all episodes, you can pick up at any given moment and still catch up on the go with the arc story. (ProTip for new viewers: The show worked best in the stand-alone episodes. ''Most'' of the "arc" episodes are actually fairly dull and uninspired, while the arc itself is infamous for being fake and going nowhere. This is even more apparent with the attempts at reviving the series.)

==Unapproved But Minable==

*'''Lexx''': A truly bizarre science-fantasy show that is infamous for being [[promotions|overly-horny]], cheesy and REEEEEEALLY fuckin' weird. There are some very strange, yet creative, ideas here, most of which were unfortunately too big for its small budget. This show's got everything from; very phallic living ships, [[The God-Emperor of Mankind|magical, inter-dimensional and ever-living space emperors]] and [[/d/|people eating the feces of the previously mentioned living ships for sustenance]], plus a lot of potential plot hooks that could easily be reappropriated. Any weird ideas you GM had for your sci-fi campaign probably came from here.

==References==
[http://archive.4plebs.org/tg/thread/25647700/ One of many threads.]
[[Category:Approved Media]]

Loli

2020-12-12T20:44:47Z

2A0B:F4C2:1:0:0:0:0:1: /* TLDR */

{{Cleanup}}{{sick}}{{skubby}}{{bad}}
[[Image:Yotsuba.gif|thumb|right|Yotsuba, mascot of 4chan. She is ''sacred''.]]

{{Topquote|In other news, children are getting sexier...and that's pretty cooooool.|Tom Tucker, Family Guy}}

The term '''loli''' is used on 4chan to refer to girls who appear to be prepubescent, aka "petite". The word is derived from ''lolicon'', a Japanese term which is itself an abbreviation of ''Lolita complex''. Within the [[anime]] fandom the term ''loli'' is often used to refer to any girl that meets the aforementioned criteria, regardless of sexualisation or lack thereof. A well-known example of such a loli is [[Yotsuba]], the mascot of 4chan.

Some people contend that using the term ''loli'' to describe a character always implies some level of sexual attraction on the part of the speaker, which is false to varying degrees. There are some who also claim that a character's given age can exempt them from loli status (for example, the character Konata from ''Lucky Star'', who is 18 years old but is generall seen as a loli due her design of being short, petite and having a [[DFC|delicious flat chest]]). Loli is frequently used to also describe pubescent but still underaged girls which is, technically speaking, not correct but most people let it slide as there is no specific term for girls aged 13-17 in wide usage among the anime community (although there is one outside the weeb community: Jailbait). The fact that most artists can draw an adult or a child but many find making teenagers who don't look like either a small adult or a tall child kind of harder to do possibly contributes to this. Ultimately as far as American law is concerned, underaged is underaged whether you're fifteen or eight. Also under American law is that drawings of fictional characters aren't people, since they aren't real and all that (barring tracings). This does not apply in Canada where it's an excuse to be stalling assholes at customs, looking through every page of comics and artbooks to make sure they don't have any loli.  The general rule of thumb is someone stops being a loli when they look mature enough to start being described as a woman.

Related to this is the slang otaku term "moe" (萌え, pronounced [mo.e]), which literally means "budding," and a pun on "burning" with passion or light or life. One of the possible origins is believed to be Moe, a loli from the anime ''恐竜惑星'' (''Kyouryu Wakusei'' lit. Dinosaur Planet) which is rather obscure. This originally described a sort of protective or paternal/maternal instinct invoked onto certain characters. These days it's either used by people to describe girls that are adorable and cute to the point that you want to take care of them.

The [[rule 63]] version of loli is shota, which is typically preferred by either women or extra, extra creepy men (or some very sad men who want to vicariously relive their adolescent fantasies of being ravaged by an older woman). Much like loli, the term shota is also often used to describe pubescent boys rather than just aged twelve and under kids. As with their female counterparts, the dividing line between a shota and a simply young looking man is based on whether you'd probably call the person a boy or a man.

How accepting /tg/ or 4chan as a whole has been of loli and shota has varied quite a bit over the years, though it's worth noting there's always been those who are ''really'' into them as well as those who think people into it probably belong in jail. Most of /tg/ falls somewhere between the spectrum with most just choosing to ignore it if they aren't into it. The fluctuations are often caused by the people who are into it migrating onto another image boards, predominately from /b/, /a/ or /c/ (though /jp/ occasionally gets in on the action as well). Though as /tg/ is a work safe board and as of late that has actually started being enforced you're going to be seeing far less loli and shota, at least not any that would warrant bans.

Overall as fetishes loli is certainly on the extreme [[skub]] side of things. Sure there are a lot of fetishes that are much more bizarre and esoteric in the [[/d/|"why would anyone think this is hot?"]] sense as anyone who's looked at /d/ can tell you, but none of them carry anywhere near as much baggage. (Well, aside from [[Furry|furries]], but that may not count as furries are historically detested for ''overlapping'' and ''overdoing'' not directly furry fetishes (e.g. scat, underaged, vore, among others), rather than or in addition to the "bestiality" argument, as well as just plain existing.)

Loli should not (and, indeed, cannot) be confused with [[Shortstack]], the fetish for an adult-figured woman who is much smaller than the typical human man, typically around the height of a child. Indeed, shortstacks often have exaggerated hips, buttocks and/or breasts, which makes them quite visually distinct. "Oppai Loli" is the arguably even-more degenerate offshoot of loli, as it takes a loli character and presents them with adult-sized (and usually exaggerated) breasts on their otherwise childish frame, much to the dismay of many fans of shortstacks.

==Dungeons & Dragons==
The Glantri [[Known World Gazetteer]] has very incomplete rules for a child spellcaster: When they cast a spell, they have to roll 4d4 and if the result is over their age, they suffer one of twelve catastrophes instead. If an NPC, they also gain a level for every 12 months of study to a max of half the parent's level. Nothing else about this is mentioned. It says this should be reserved for NPCs, but then immediately says it can be possible as a result of a PC's heir taking over after their death.

[[Eberron]] has the [[Lolipope]], but her stats block has nothing to indicate her age.

===d20 System===
Various d20 games, but not [[Dungeons & Dragons 3rd Edition|the original]], have had rules and ways to play as a child character which will inevitably be used to play as a loli.

====d20 Modern====
''[[d20 Modern]]'' actually includes the ability to play as a child character in the core rules, tucked away in the same section covering playing an old one. This manifests as a -3 penalty to strength and constitution and a -1 penalty to everything else for those under 12 and no penalty for those 12-15. While playing a 12 year old loli seems tempting, they are literally [[Traveller|unable to complete character creation]] using only the core book without a high dexterity since every starting occupation but one (which has high ability score requirements) has, often bizarre, minimum age requirements and taking one is mandatory. Splat would fix this by introducing new occupations without an age minimum, and ''Critical Locations'' (a maps supplement of all things) would explicitly offer an alternative to occupations with no or low minimum age.

====Star Wars d20====
''[[Star Wars d20]]'' and its successor ''Saga Edition'' would retain the above mentioned aging rules of ''d20 Modern'', though there's no starting occupation to create problems. It's tweaked slightly by giving 12-15 (and its non-human equivalents) a -1 penalty to all ability scores (which also apply to those under 12 due to how the aging system works). Unlike its parent system, ''Star Wars'' RPGs actually encourage using these rules and state it's most likely a character that starts as a level 1 Jedi is underage, especially during certain eras.

====Pathfinder====

[[Pathfinder]] 1e has a number of rules that get tied up with the loli trope. The first is rules that let you play below the average adventurer's starting age, which are simultaneously utterly terrible (for requiring you play an NPC class) and OP (it briefly mentions, as a weakness, your ECL is actually lower for this so your [[Adept]] gets extra XP and eventually becomes higher level as a result). Another is the absolutely [[Skub|wonderful]] feat "Childlike" which lets Halflings pass themselves off as human children. The first book of ''Iron Gods'' includes rules for [[Android]]s that look like children but have adult minds. The [[Kitsune]] exclusive feat "Realistic Likeness" breaks many of the general rules of polymorph spells, which should allow impersonating a child.

There is also the class archetype "Magical Child" for the Vigilante class that makes your transformation into your superhero identity flashy, allows you to have a familiar but gives you a rather poor spell progression using the Unchained Summoner spell list. The rules don't say you ''have'' to be a child to take the archetype, but it is heavily implied.

Lastly, the iconic character for the Kineticist class is a young human girl named Yoon. Despite breaking the rules, Yoon is playable as a pre-gen in PFS games and actually one of the better first level pre-gens thanks to her high AC and HP (avoiding the issue of first level PCs going splat easily) and virtually nothing resisting fire at that level. If you want to make everyone at a public game awkward without actually doing anything of note yourself, play Yoon for credit toward a Dark Archives faction PC. Half the early scenarios for the faction have a side mission that a slutty baroness offers a faction member sexual favors for completing, and these offers are in player handout stuff so the GM can't change it on the fly.

====Mutants & Masterminds====

[[Mutants & Masterminds]] explicitly supports playing as a child, due to a long history of child superheroes like Captain Marvel (the real one), Power Pack, and countless sidekicks. This has no inherent stats effect, Superboy is still super strong, but some trends (high power, low on skills) are suggested and it will count as at least one complication (adults treat you like a child) and generally is an excuse for more (personality flaws driven from various aspects of immaturity).

While the ability descriptions imply children should have attributes that are typically -2 and teenagers typically -1, the licensed [[DC Comics]] variant of 3E has the Marvel family and Stargirl use perfectly average stats when they lose their powers.

==[[BESM|BESM 4e]]==

Playing children isn't directly supported with any specific rules but it does provide some guidelines, chiefly reducing the amount of [[Experience|Character Points]] a character has at character creation (it is assumed most characters will start with between 50 and 74 CP, children though being inferred to have between 0 and 24 CP). This can woefully weaken the character at the start of a game, though that makes sense since you are playing a child but also feels a bit out of place for a system that is meant to play a lot like your favorite [[anime]].

==GURPS==

Memes aside, [[GURPS]] does indeed have rules for playing lolis, almost all of which are drawbacks. So while you can, you're not given any incentive to do so except the points any disadvantage gives.

==Kids on Bikes==

Kids on Bikes offers the players three age ranges to play as, one being child (the others being teen and adult). Each age range gives two stat modifiers and some sort of bonus. Children, in this case, heal faster and are generally better liked. These adjustments and such don't change the largely narrative nature of the game though and based on how stats are allocated you could be stronger, smarter or otherwise better than an adult in many cases.

===Kids on Brooms===

A spinoff of Kid on Bikes, Brooms is basically a not!Harry Potter system where the players take on the roles of the staff and students of a magical academy for kids and teens. The core of the system is very much the same but with plenty of additional rules for things like spellcasting and familiars.

==OVA==

Another anime-styled RPG, this one is even more open-ended than BESM but explicitly has rules for characters who are young or old in the "Ageism" weakness which has 3 ranks of severity. At rank 1 you are basically a young teen or someone past their prime, rank 2 you're a child (or simply look like one) or clearly and old ass, and rank 3 you're basically a kindergartner or someone so old they may well be on life support. These drawbacks tend to come up when you're dealing with people such as when you're trying to convince them of something like "there are monsters under the bridge." It's not exactly the best but the system is meant to be fairly open-ended so, like BESM, it works but could use some extra crunch to it.

==Savage Worlds==

In [[Savage Worlds]], Young is a major (8-12) or minor (12-17) Hindrance, depending on just how young you go. In addition to the social penalty, you also lose attributes and skill points, which is bad because one of the big reasons to take an Hindrance is to gain more of those. It does however give a free [[Action Point|Benny]] or two a session. The ability to trade a Benny for Power Point refill, and need for Edges (the other major reason to take a Hindrance) to know magic and improve it means loli characters can make very good spellcasters (or super science inventors, which is more or less the same as magic in Savage Worlds)

==[[Star Trek]] Adventures==

With a bit of a history of children getting into Starfleet (or at least getting caught up in the ongoing adventures of a ship or station as seen with Wesley Crusher, Jake Sisko and myriad of other kids/teens), it is no surprise that the core rulebook for this game had to make some passing mention of how old a character can be. The way they handled it? "As long as the character passes an exam to get into the Academy, they can be an officer." They do say the average age of a cadet is someone in their twenties, but they don't explicitly say you can't play younger either. So go out there and get a whole crew of rascals but beware any strange green energy beings telling you to murder all of the adults, okay?

==[[Eclipse Phase]]==

This is a rather unique case as the setting is one of "transhumanism" set in the future after a cataclysmic event rocked the solar system. In it many (if not most) people upload themselves into either android or cyborg bodies referred to as "morphs" and the process of going into a morph is called "sleeving". One of these morphs is called a "neotenic" and is meant to be child-sized if not outright child-looking. Some people sleeve into these neotenic morphs only to take up less space on spacecraft (where space is at a premium) but it's heavily implied many people who sleeve into them do so for less-than-savory reasons and people find this really gross and many locales actually have these morphs declared illegal. That said, if you're in an area where it's not illegal, go ahead and resleeve into one so you can be the little girl.

==TLDR==
Lolis are based, and the people who defend them for any reason are based.

==See Also==
*[[Loli Daemonette]]
*[[Lolifex]]
*[[Lolicron]]
*[[DFC]]
*[[Lolipope]]
*[[shota|Rule 63 Loli]]
*[[Furry]]
*[[Noh]]

===Gallery===
<gallery>
File:1197602511621.jpg
File:The-etymology-of-loli.PNG
</gallery>

[[Category:Not related]]
[[Category:Weeaboo]]

Rule 34

2020-11-18T08:30:01Z

2A0B:F4C2:1:0:0:0:0:1: /* See Also */

{{Promotions}}
{{Heresy}}
[[Image:Rule34.gif|thumb|right|Why, yes there is a porn version of this image. '''''No Exceptions''''']]

'''''<big>"If it exists, there is porn of it."</big>''''' 
'''''<big>"No exceptions."</big>'''''

'''Rule 34''': There is porn of it. Yes, even of that. No, you don't want to think about this for too long. Even your mom, trust me.
It goes without saying that [[Warhammer 40,000]] is, like all things, completely subject to the many creative variations of Rule 34 that the Internet can [[furries|conjure]]. It also goes without saying that the contents of this page (actually, the contents of [[rape|many pages around here]]) are rather [[NSFW]]. Ironically, [[/tg/]] is supposedly a safe-for-work board, but this isn't a guideline that is obeyed rigidly. On any day you can be browsing /tg/ when suddenly you get a faceful of [[Eldar]] porn, including some that might even be well-drawn.

On that note... don't read the article on [[FATAL]].

==Gallery==
<gallery>
Image:JackChick34.JPG|[[Dark Dungeons]].
Image:Kroot porn.JPG|Canonical [[Kroot]] porn.
Image:Baldurs_34.jpg|[[Baldur's Gate|Nothing is sacred]].
Image:Rule34ofrule34.jpg|[[Recursion|Rule 34 of Rule 34]].
Image:Fallout.gif|[[Fallout|Vault Boy getting blown]].
Image:Thri-kreen strip.gif|Even [[Thri-Kreen Erotica|Thri-kreen]].
Image:1217570918394.jpg|Local [[user:37|scribblefag]] provides /34/ for [[Dungeons & Dragons 4th Edition|4th edition]].
File:Sisters of repentia sisters of battle Adepta Sororitas rule 34 montage can't believe how hard fetish rule 34 Warhammer 40k myoc redux.jpg|You'd totally hit it and you know it.
File:Hello exterminatus Warhammer 40k sister of battle rule 34.jpg|The Adepta Sororitas sure like to go out with a BANG!
File:Notheresy.jpg|Good news, citizens of the Imperium! Rule 34 is NOT always heresy!
File:Warhammer 40k rule 34 heresy daemon babes of chaos.jpg|No exceptions. ESPECIALLY in the Immaterium.
File:Heresy-explained2.jpg|[[xenos|Xeno]] vagina? Xeno vagina. Good, I want to fuck an [[eldar|eldar]]
File:Inquisitor daemonette transform.gif|In the grim darkness of the far future... no fetish is overlooked. (Animated!)
File:1230051355300.gif|And what would Rule 34 be without our ever-loving space nuns, the [[Sisters of Battle]]? (Animated!)
File:tg board 100 percent worksafe nsfw irony lulz.png|Remember, kids! /tg/ is a work-safe board!
</gallery>

==See Also==
*[[NSFW]]
*[[PROMOTIONS]]
*[[FATAL]]
*[[Monstergirls]]
*[[Slaanesh]] ''(self explanatory)''
*[[Sisters of Battle]] ''(also mostly self explanatory)''
*[https://rule34porn.net Rule 34] ''(Website)''

[[Category:Meme]][[Category:NSFW]]