2d4chan - User contributions [en]

Imperial Guard

2013-01-04T01:20:14Z

71.166.4.30: /* The Imperial Guard's anthems */

{{Promotions}}
[[File:Macharius Charge.png|400px|thumb|right|Alexander the Great IN SPESS]]
The '''Imperial Guard''' are the foot soldiers of the [[Imperium]]. They only exist to die gloriously in the [[Empra]]'s name. [[Commissar]]s (like [[Holt]] and [[Ciaphas Cain]]) ensure they do so by shooting anyone who looks like deserting. Though the average Guardsman is only capable of drawing enemy fire and shining a [[Lasgun|flashlight]] at their enemies, much more fortunate Guardsmen get to drive the tanks and other armored vehicles fielded by the IG, which proceed to blow their enemies into little chunks from a very long way away.

==Overview==
It is worth noting that in a universe where the majority of the other armies are either:
* [[Necron|Ancient Murdering Robots that wear the flesh of their newest victims]]
* [[Space Marines|Genetically engineered killing machines]]
* [[Chaos Space Marines|The evil twin brother of the Genetically engineered killing machines]], with equally evil goatees
* Clad in [[pauldrons|powered armor]]
* [[Eldar|Manipulative dicks]] in possession of extremely cheesy technology and can jump around making damn accurate shots like Quake players
* Highly-advanced [[Tau|space Communists]] with mecha and god-like firepower
* [[Daemon]]s with a billion tentacles to rape you with
* [[Tyranid|Mutant 10ft tall space monsters with lots of teeth]]
* [[Ork|Able to grow bigger and stronger the more they fight]]
* Some combination of the above
* It is the worth noting the 99.9% of the time, the enemies are planetary rebels who may or may not follow chaos

[[File:Trance.jpg|300px|right|thumb|"Welcome to the jungle, we've got fun and games!"]]
The foot soldiers of the Imperial Guard take to the field equipped with nothing more than the 40k equivalent of flak jackets, glorified laser pointers, and a copy of the [[Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer]] (if they have not already used it for toilet paper. Note: it is highly recommended that you do not use it as toilet paper, to prevent BLAMing). Please note that the Lasgun and Flak armor are rather good by modern standards, they're just flashlights and t-shirts compared to the automatic mini-rocket launchers and power armor everyone else uses. This means they have balls of steel (as in Duke Nukem would say, "Holy shit! I thought I had balls of steel!"). Examples of Guardsmen going above and beyond this, demonstrating the possession of testicles so massive they should be deployed in battle as a separate unit, are plentiful; [[Ollanius Pius]] is one such Guardsman, standing up to fucking [[Horus]] himself; the original [[Dawn of War]] features the Blood Ravens running into a pair of Guardsmen who have held their position, without support, in the middle of a combined Chaos/Ork/Eldar invasion, for more than a week; [[Dawn of War II]] has Guardsmen rescued in an earlier mission returning in the finale to provide infantry support while the Blood Ravens launch an attack on a fucking [[Tyranid]] hive. These same guardsmen (led by the ever awesome [[Merrick|Sergeant Merrick]]) SURVIVE the suicidal mission and fight on for TEN MORE YEARS against the remnants of the Tyranids/Orks/Eldar. Although the average front line Guardsman is highly unlikely to survive his first deployment, veteran soldiers are considered to be some of the manliest motherfuckers the Imperium has to offer, putting even the fucking SPESS MEHRENS to a billion shames. <s>One disturbing thing is that if the tactics of the Imperial Guard were improved from WWI style warfare (overuse of artillery and mass charges against machine guns and tanks) and updated to modern style warfare (such as taking cover and using air/armor/support) the Imperial Guard ''could'' become the most feared army in the Universe but '''NO''' that's not [[grimdark]] enough! And that's the Tau's tactic</s> Please refer to page 41 ('''Various types of cover, and their correct usage''') of the Imperial Infantryman's uplifting primer. What's that? You dont have it on you?!{{BLAM}} Dan Abnett's work and their latest edition turned them into Gods of Mechanized War and yet, they still suck compared to 8 feet tall Daemonic killing machines with chainaxes. To be fair, though, that's much like comparing a sedan to a tank. I mean, how are you NOT supposed to suck against things that will slice through meter thick steel armor like so much cheese?

It may sound harsh, but the cold, hard truth of the matter is that the lowest currency in the Imperium is human life. <s>For example, in the modern day commanders would willingly sacrifice say... one tank to save one soldier (as long as the crew doesn't die), because of all that 'life matters most' crap.</s> Nope, commanders do risk assessment. They're not going to devote resources just to save one lowly grunt if they're gonna loose a resource more expensive than what they're getting. Although to be fair, commanders who make these decisions know the moral implications of what they're doing while the Imperium treats this as a perfectly normal act.

Human life is so worthless in the Imperium because there are so many of them, the Imperium instead looks at the skills possessed by the person than just their lives (If you can't fight like a Stormtrooper or have a unique set of skills to offer the Imperium, have fun being cannon fodder or a human servitor.) . A bit of maths, if you will. There are 32,380 Hive Worlds in the Imperium. The average population of these worlds is around 200 billion each. We put these together and we get 6.476E15 (6,476,000,000,000,000 or 6.476 Quadrillion or 6.476 million billion) people on Hive worlds ALONE. So now you see why humans are worth so little. But this also means that once they get their ass in gear and onto the battlefield, <s>they ALWAYS win, because</s> they have all but unlimited manpower and resources, compare it to water bashing against rocks. Sure, a few gallons won't do jack, but countless billions of tonnes crashing down on it WILL destroy it in a surprisingly short amount of time. (Do keep in mind, it's not like they commit quintillions of troops to one battle. The Imperium frequently has to withdraw, but it's like saying "We lost the battle, BUT NOT THE WAR!")

[[File:Lord Solar Macharius.jpg|250px|left|thumb|"The meaning of victory is not to defeat your enemy but to destroy him, to eradicate him from living memory, to leave no remnant of his endeavors, to crush utterly his every achievement and remove from all record his every trace of existence. From that defeat no enemy can ever recover. That is the meaning of victory."]]

In fact it is point-blank stated numerous times that guardsmen are way less important than the gear on their backs. The Death Korp of Krieg have a specific guy who runs around battlefields shooting the wounded and collecting their gear. In fact, the Death Korp practically demand their own section in the grimdark record book for having by far the single most depressing backstory and current history. Their home world rebeled some 500+ years into the past, but one guard officer stayed loyal and nuked the ever living fuck out of the planet, thus evening the odds enough for his side to triumph after a mere five centuries of grinding attritional warfare. During this period the entire planet went underground and they started doing some weird and just fucking horrible things to their women-folk to get them breeding new men ASAP. They developed a frankly terrifying version of the imperial religion, where the only possible thing you can aspire to is dying painfully for the emperor. How you gunna fight that ? Eventually they reclaimed the planet. And then the bureaucrats that run the Imperium showed up and said 'So you've not been paying your taxes these past few hundred years...'. But it was ok, because now instead of fighting the other guys on Krieg, they just sent out every man possible to fight in the most hazardous wars possible. And kept doing the aforementioned fucking horrible things to their women for no particular reason. Life expectancy in Krieg regiments is extremely fucking low. Promotion is through survival alone. If you survive as an infantryman, you get to be a grenadier and holy fuck if you thought you were expendable before, you ain't seen nothing yet. The grenadiers lead every attack, and stop calling each other by name because there's no point. They consider themselves as already dead. Then if you survive that, you get to be a sergeant. And thence off to officerhood. Once you make general, you MIGHT actually live, but before then you are expected to be in the leading rank of the infantry. Oh and the most recent success of the Death Korp? Siege of Vraks. Expected casualties: 10 million, expected time to victory 12 years. Actual casualties: MUCH higher. And the fucking grey fucking knights showed up 10 minutes before the close and stole all the glory. Bastards.

==Notable Figures of the Imperial Guard==
[[File:Stormtrooper vs Ork.jpg|250px|right]]
*[[Ciaphas Cain]] - '''HERO OF THE IMPERIUM''' (Charming Commissar in the Harry Flashman tradition.)
*[[Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt]] - (Stallone + Rambo + 40,000kg of awesome) Main protagonist of Gaunt's Ghosts, and the REAL (but undeservedly obscure) hero of the Imperium!!!
*[[Commissar Yarrick]] - Old one-eye. Saviour of Armageddon, twice.Known for having an Ork Klaw on his arm, and having a personal Baneblade.
*[[Holt|Commissar Holt]] - Awesome cinematics are awesome, from Warhammer 40,000: Final Liberation.
*[[Commissar Dan]] - "But Commissar Dan says we're on a blaze for glory run".
*[[Commissar Fuklaw]] - Currently in service with the [[Angry Marines]].
*[[Commissar Raege]] - Currently trolling faggoty [[Space Marines]].
*[[General Sturnn]] - Manly damn old son of a bitch, from [[Dawn of War]]: [[Dawn of War#Winter Assault|Winter Assault]]. Struggles with grammar.
*[[Castor|Lord General Castor]] - Sporting a manly mustache and known for having a trophy room full of Tyranid heads.
*[[Ollanius Pius]] - The catalyst for the [[God-Emperor of Mankind|Emperor]] finally <s>slaying</s> ''erasing'' [[Horus]] ''out of existence''. (No longer canon, which is BULLSHIT! Though he DOES still exist as a Saint of the IG. No worries, <s>IG</s> /tg/ is keeping his story alive.)
*[[Vance Motherfucking Stubbs]] - Another manly bastard, famous for "losing" 100 [[Baneblade]]s.
*[[Colonel "Iron Hand" Straken|Colonel "I ate a Miral landshark for breakfast" Straken]] - Yet another manly fucker and another solid contender for biggest balls in the Imperial Guard.
*[[Leman Russ Battle Tank|Knight Commander Pask]] - A Leman Russ tank ace that has destroyed Titans and Gargants. With a Leman Russ.
*[[Colonel Greiss]] - Straken's former commander and proof that the manliest fuckers the Imperial Guard have aren't necessarily the biggest.
*[[Creed|Lord Castellan Usarkar E. Creed]] - Famous for outflanking enemies with Titans. Must have been the work of some sort of tactical geniu-CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!
*[[Johnny Bravo|Johnny Bravo]] - OK, he isn't really. But it would be awesome.
*[[Merrick]] - Tough bastard who survived a Tyranid Invasion, a Chaos uprising, ten years of nonstop combat, and putting a gun to his superior's head. Also fucking strong, since he can carry an entire heavy weapons setup on his own.
*[[Sly Marbo]] ...by time you have read this... you are already dead...
* Techpriests - All of them. Want to repair your own tank, do you? HERE'S THE FUCKING MANUAL. By the way, it's [[Heresy]] to do it yourself.
* Miranda "Mira" Nero - Notable for being a rare female junior officer in charge of an entire defense group, and damn hard. Whenever her troops fight alongside [[Captain Titus]], they never fall back.
* Lord Commander Solar Macharius - A useless motherfucker from the Second Edition Codex: Imperial Guard who would habitually screw up your entire battle plan since he rolled for his strategy rating on a D6 (which decided who got the first turn) and 4-6 would stop you firing your army-fucking pre-battle barrage. On a 6 you also had to put everything you had in reserve on the table. He also had no model and the fluff gave no idea what he looked like. IMPROVED IN 3RD ED WHEN HE GOT BETTER RULES AND A MODEL: Baseline stats are: WS D3+2, BS4, S3, T3, W4, I4, A D3+1, LD10
Because he is slow in his old age, he has an initiative of 4, which is pretty gay, but he can potentially have four attacks with a mastercrafted power weapon at a WS of 5. He's still too wild of a character to use in a serious game, so save him for your fuck-around games, or Apocalypse.
*Colonel Schaeffer - The most crazy, malicious, heinous and downright evil imperial guard officer to ever exist. Most other officers are either incompetent when battlefield tactics are concerned or egocentric to the point of believing nothing else around them has a pulse, ultimately resulting in the average footslogger having such a brief lifespan. Colonel Schaeffer on the other hand, intends to make those under his command suffer in the most gruelling, painful and surprisingly productive way possible.
*Colonel Jurten - Nuked the living shit out of his planet, 'cuz Krieg ain't belonging to noone but the Big E.

==Main Advantages of Fielding an Imperial Guard Army==
*Shit loads of men to throw around the battlefield
*'''[[Basilisk|BASILISKS]]'''
*'''[[Baneblade|BANEBLADES]]'''
*'''[[Manticore Rocket Launcher|MANTICORES]]'''
*'''[[Leman Russ Battle Tank|LEMAN RUSSES]]'''
*'''[[commissar|*BLAM*]]'''
*[[Creed|Titans acting as scouts]].
*Reasonable prices for vehicles.
*Tank Squadrons.
*The first and best [[Hydra Flak Tank|Flak Tank]].
*[[Commissar Yarrick]]
*Cool looking models and plenty of variety to choose from.
*Standard issue adamantium balls.
*'''YOU COULD NOT POSSIBLY FORGET THAT YOUR GUYS FIELD ''THE BEST TANKS OF THE GAME'', RIGHT?'''
*'''VANQUISHERS, FUCK YOU [[tau|BLUE SKINNED PANZIES]]'''
*Cheap, expendable soldiers that die in the millions to take one planet. [[Grimdark]] is it not?
*Oh and did we mention the FUCK HUGE NUMBER OF CHEAP EXPENDABLE SOLDIERS? Just making sure you understand.
*Did we forget to mention that all units have standard issue balls of steel? Except for Yarrick. He has adamantium balls. And [[Sly Marbo|that guy in the cardboard box]]. He has Power Balls.

==Downsides to being a Guardsman==
While your local propaganda might say that being in the guard is the most honorable thing you could ever get into, there are some downsides to being one. Here is a small list of reasons why it's not always the best idea to join the Imperial Guard:
*You will die in the line of duty and no-one but your family and friends will remember you unless you've done something that only a Space Marine could do in combat [[Ollanius Pius|or save an important Imperial figure]].
*You're expendable in every sense of the word.
*Your Commissar might execute you to make your friends fight harder.
*Your Commissar might execute your friends to make you fight harder.
*Unless you're in a special forces division like the Kasrkin, you're really just a meatshield in large scale assaults.
*Your standard weapon is a laser pointer and you have armor that's been outdated since 1944.
*Your standard weapon replaced the [[Autogun]] because the Munitorium decided effective weapons were too much to ask for.
*Even you can't die when you want to.
*Even your own allies want to kill you.
*You might be: mutilated, eaten alive, sacrificed for the Chaos Gods, disemboweled, left for dead, tortured for fun by xenos, mutants, heretics and zealots.
*You cannot think differently as it's heresy.
*You will be sent into hopeless situations and your superiors expect you to fight without retreating or showing cowardice.
*You may be used as mine clearance. By being forced to march through the minefield.
* Space Marines always take the credit
*You will be taken from your home planet and dropped on the other side of the universe to fight in a war you didn't know existed.
*You will NEVER see your home planet again unless you are stationed there. In which case it is likely under siege by yet another one of the Imperium's foes, and will likely remain so for the remainder of your short life.
*5 Million of you dying under a four hour assualt by orks, is considered a flawless victory by Segmentum Command.
*If you fight along side Grey Knights, you will be murdered after the battle in the interest of secrecy.
*Hell, just fighting Chaos has a slight chance of you getting disposed off after the battle because the Inquisitor investigating your regiment thinks that you may be a slight, bit, tad tainted.
*When your Morale officer said: "Only in death does duty end", he wasn't kidding, you will forever spend you life in the Imperial Guard until you die. Pray to the Emperor that you get sent to a mechanized regiment so you atleast get to be inside an armored vehicle.

==Play Style==
[[File:Glory.jpg|300px|right|thumb|<s>No</s> ALL Cadians can be this badass]]
The Imperial Guard are notorious for their SIGAOD methodology; that is, Shooty Imperial Guard Army Of Doom for the less than nerdy. The basic lasguns are downright pathetic, but can still be effective if used en masse. The effect is a little like how medieval archers could still be a threat to fully armored knights. It only takes one lucky shot and they don't stop shooting until they get lucky. Of course, the only reason this works is because the Imperial Guard has literally billions of Guardsmen and a limitless supply of lasguns. They have so many men that they have to employ commissars to shoot the most cowardly one in a bunch. This kind of works out, since the armor they wear is only resistant to the gun they use (so basically, the only thing worse than their armor is their own guns).

There are three principle IG vehicles of note. First is the [[Chimera]], which is basically a troop transport with a turret. Its armor is aluminum and it is not particularly fast, but it's cheap and the passengers can still shoot while inside. The second vehicle is the iconic [[Leman Russ Battle Tank]]. It is in every way a solid, dependable, warhorse. Everything from the optional heavy sponsons, to the BFG on the turret, to the completely exposed engine in the rear. Apparently, they ran out of badass when they designed it. The last vehicle of note is the [[Basilisk]]. Apparently, some tech-priest decided to take a Chimera, rip off the turret and troop compartment and replace it with the biggest piece of artillery he could find. Unfortunately, there weren't any Titan legions nearby so he settled for the Earthshaker cannon. The Earthshaker is far more powerful than even the BFG they stuck on the Leman Russ and has twice the range. No WH40k game has been played where a target has been out of range of the Basilisk.

Also of note is 6th Edition's contribution of flyer units. The IG has the most non-apocalypse flyer units in 40k, and while some of them are absolutely useless for anything but flavor, some of them kick all kinds of ass. Triple twin-linked lascannon, twin-linked Punisher Gatling cannons, or a flying tank-busting mega-bolter kinds of ass to be specific. Raep from above.

In summary, the Imperial Guard wins by having firepower, cannon fodder, and lots of both.

==Memorable Quotations==
- "When in doubt, throw more men at it."

- "That which I cannot crush with words alone, I shall crush with the [[Baneblade|tanks]] of the Imperial Guard!"

- "[[Commissar|You don't die until I say so!]]"

- "[[Commissar|Glory to the first man to die! CHARGE!!!]]"

- [[Grimdark|"Yes, you shall die when assaulting a well maintained fortress]] under a [[Creed|competent]] [[Commissar|commander]]. But at least strive to make your death useful." (Paraphrased)

- "We go beyond the emperor's light. To the darkest reaches in the galaxy. Good thing we brought our [[lasgun|flashlights]]!"

- "To each of us falls a task, and all the Emperor requires of us Guardsmen is that we stand the line, and we die fighting. It is what we do best: We die standing." --General Sturnn, Dawn of War: Winter Assault[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iKIAMAqGNIY]

- "All right men! TIME TO WAGE TO WAR!" --[[Sturnn]]

- "Infantry wins firefights, tanks win battles, artillery wins wars." - Tactica Imperialis

-"A Guardsman's LIFE is to die. My job has always been to send them where they CAN die. I'm not afraid to spend men, but I never waste them!" --[[Dawn of War II|General Castor]]

==A Piece of Writefaggotry That Explains the Imperial Guard==
At the end of the day, though he's been ferried through Space [[Grimdark|Hell]] on a ship that's four thousand years old to his destination, though he deployed from high orbit with a grav chute, though he is one of ten million men raised from his homeworld to fight a war he barely understands, though he has been given a weapon that fires miniature suns and might annihilate him when he fires it because no-one knows how it works anymore, though his company is supported by tractor-tanks that run on anything you can burn, though he wages war against a [[Tyranid|devouring hivemind]], [[Daemon|space demons]] or a [[Tau|group]] of [[weeaboo|space]] [[communism|communists]]...

...a Guardsman is a man, just like you, though he grew up in [[Imperium|another culture]]. He has no [[Space Marines|millennia-old genetic engineering]], no [[Emperor|prophetic leader]], no [[Sisters of Battle|miracles of faith]]. He has his lasgun, his orders, his fellow soldiers, and a set of adamantium balls.

And he will hold the line.

==The Imperial Guard's anthems==
While the Ecclesiarchy and several, if not all, Chapters of Space Marines look down upon the frivolities of music (unless said music is sung in somberly in High Gothic and praises the Emperor) as distracting to any soldier in carrying out his Divine Duty, the Imperial Guard still makes heavy use of marching themes and anthems. Examples are given below:

* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0bcRCCg01I] - Baleeted no longer
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWBoMWZJkeI] - (none of that faggy 'mercan shite)(It's pronounced 'Merican)
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxapTnODhCs] - A marching song that most Training worlds use to this day.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJNz2QgSNsk] - Standard cadence song sung by veteran units.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TjvKZHJeayg] - Rumored to be used by Praetorian Guard Regiments.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRIAw6LkqlE] - Again, a rumored anthem.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbw1pGUhG7Q] - This is sung by extremely hardcore and grim regiments, is rumored to have originated from Krieg.
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gS1lBID2Mtw] - Popular parade piece for the Phantine Air Corps
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2SVQoRDHSAI] - Sung at the funerals of the nameless heroes
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQJoKXhx-HM] - Rumored to be used by the Men of Tanith
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9Tye_bzl9U] - Sung by many of the Imperial armored regiments
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91kdwxFsthI] - National Anthem of the Valhallan Ice Warriors
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9fSEdZIM08] - March of the Death Korps of Krieg
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIVSpY8xY9I] - March of the Praetorian Lifeguard
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7Ewd8OeYEA] - sang by Cadian Regiments, also popular with Imperial Navy Pilots
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5W1NCmV_OM] - Planetary Anthem of Cadia
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NWEmnRbkRw] - Regimental march of the Kronus 1st "Liberators"
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTaD9cd8hvw] - Heard being sung by Praetorian Hussars returning from deployment in the Crimean sector
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Lh6NUaXx6I] - Sung by the guardsmen of the Armageddon Steel Legion
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXH3QJrx98U] - Another favourite of the Steel Legion
* [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUQCmDfKFac] - Often sung by Veteran Guardsmen of Cadia during planetary deployment between outbreaks of combat.

==Notable Imperial Guard Forces==
Because GW was too lazy to create an original themed Imperial Guard army, they basically used RL armies as a base for them, gave them a little touch of [[Grimdark]], assorted amounts of tempered ceramite balls and placed them..........IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!

*[[Cadia|Cadian Shock Troops]] World-War-Two-Allies-With-A-Modern-Aesthetic, mainly Canada (IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!)
*[[Catachan Jungle Fighters]] John Rambo's clones... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! GOOD MORNING CATACHAN!
*[[Tallarn Desert Raiders]] BEDOUINS... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! [[Emprah|EMPRAHU]]-A-AKBAR!!
*[[Armageddon Steel Legion]] Wehrmacht Mechanized Divisions... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! FÜR DEN [[Emprah|IMPERATOR]], FEUER FREI!
*[[Valhallan Ice Warriors]] Soviet Red Army... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! AAAH MOTHERLAND! NOT ONE STEP BACK!
*[[Mordian Iron Guard]] Prussians and Napoleonites... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! I TRY TO BE A SOLDIER AND A HALF!
*[[Death Korps of Krieg|Death Korps of Krieg]] WWI Western Front... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! OVER THE TOP!
*[[Vostroyan Firstborn]] Russian/Ukrainian Cossacks IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! FUCK THY MOTHER IN THE NAME OF EMPEROR!
*[[Elysian Drop Troops]] French Elite Paratroopers, IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! VIVE L'EMPEREUR!!! ( Dien Bien Phu = Hydro Plant 23 - 30 on Taros )
*[[Tanith First (And Only)]] Celtics... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!
*[[Attilan Rough Riders]] The Huns... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!
*[[Savlar Chem-Dogs]] Vietnam War US Tunnel Rats (and a bit of Mad Max PA Raiders)... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!
*[[Drookian Fen Guard]] Scottish Tartan Army... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!
*[[Praetorian Guard]] (The British Empire IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE! GUARDSMEN NEEEEVVERRRR YIELD!) (ever seen Zulu? Like that)
*[[Kanak Skull-Takers]] Barbarians with a love of fighting up close and personal and a preference for taking enemies' skulls as trophies... erm... IIIIIINNN SPAAAACE!

==/tg/ Homebrew Guard Forces==
* [[Cendra |Cendran Abolishers]] Pyromaniacs who eat the burnt flesh of their enemies.
* [[Sauristoni| Sauristoni Ghostchasers]] Renowned scouts and trackers who are experts on Eldar.
* [[Darmine | Darmine Marshalls]] Elite sharpshooters supported by huge amounts of explosive collar-fitted penal troopers.

==See Also==
*[[Lasgun]]
*[[Chem-chan]]
*[[Sentinel]]
*[[Hellhound]]
*[[Basilisk]]
*[[Leman Russ Battle Tank]]
*[[Baneblade]]
*[[Commissar]]
*[[Imperium]]
*[[Warhammer 40,000/Tactics/Imperial Guard|Tactics/Imperial Guard]]
*[[Only War]]
*[[1st Membranes]]

==Gallery==
<center>
<gallery>
Image:Guardsman.jpg|<s>This is painfully accurate.</s> Except for missing the FUCKHEUG BALLS OF STEEL.
Image:Guardsmen.jpg|But this works too.
Image:Warhammer-orcs.jpg| Get some, green-skinned bitches!
Image:Winterassault.jpg|Who needs Pauldrons?
Image:Greeting.jpg
Image:Repercussions.png|Commissar in action
Image:IG_(1).jpg
Image:balls.jpg|Imagine this, only 4 times bigger, heck even the women have 'em!
Image:IG_(2).jpg|<s>Shouldn't this instead be called 'Full Metal Flak-Jacket'?</s> FMJs are bullets,and lasrifles don't have bullets.
Image:Propaganda_by_DemonMads.jpg
Image:YoDawg.jpg
Image:IG_melta.jpg
Image:Catachan-n.jpg
Image:IG_Babes_(1).jpg
Image:IG_Babes_(2).jpg
Image:IG_Babes_(3).jpg
Image:IG_Babes_(5).jpg
Image:Kasrkin_chan_sans_helmet_by_Jaekyu.jpg
Image:Kasrkin_chan_by_Jaekyu.jpg|"Thank the Emperor! Action!"
Image:IG_Babes_(4).jpg
Image:Imperial_Guardswoman_by_IronShrineMaiden.jpg|Ponytails and light weaponry are standard issue.
Image:Krieg_chan_01_by_Jaekyu.jpg
Image:Krieg_chan_by_Jaekyu.jpg
Image:Tallarn_chan_Colored_by_FilthyBusiness.jpg
Image:1227223498011.jpg
Image:Vostroy_chan_by_Jaekyu.jpg|Vostroya is a cold and crappy place. Still people like it there. Guess why?
Image:Motivator6645769.jpg
Image:IG_mot1.jpg
Image:IG_mot2.jpg
Image:IG_mot3.jpg
Image:F0r t3h Emp3r0r by Kazuv.jpg|Even pregnant chicks get conscripted.
Image:1267818498305.jpg|One should never underestimate the awesomeness of a Guardsman.
Image:Magnus Kale.png|Guardsmen - They Just Never Stop
Image:GuardsmanHelmet.jpg|This man shows doubt. He will soon be executed.
Image:1230085088983.png|[[wat]]
Image:Basilisk.png|[[Basilisk]]s are AWESOME]]
</gallery>
</center>

{{Template:Imperium}}
{{40k-Imperial-Regiments}}
[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Imperial]]

Emperor's To-Do List

2012-12-31T20:55:14Z

71.166.4.30: /* The Holy List (in no particular order) */

== The Emperor's list of Things to do after Resurrection ==

The God-Emperor of Mankind has been taking a bit of a breather lately, but don't think that he has stopped caring and looking after humanity. As a matter of fact, the [[Adeptus Custodes]] happens to have this reassuring list of things that the Emperor intends to do once he's finished taking a little nap, and had a good breakfast.

----

----
== The Holy List (in no particular order) ==
[[File:TheLiterallyImmortalGodEmperorOfMankind.jpg|300px|thumb|"Your faith in The Emperor shall assuredly be rewarded."]]


# Get better power armor.
# Scratch that itch that has been bugging the shit out of me for the last 10,000 years.
# Wipe out the Imperiu-{{BLAM|HERESY!}}
# <s>Rebuild the Imperium to its former glory.</s> Implying that the Imperium has weakened?! {{BLAM}}
# Make peace with the Tau and trade technology with them.
# Make peace with the Eldar and trade technology with them.
# Pacify the Orks and keep them alive for gladiator sports or target practice for the Space Marines.
# Put the Dark Eldar in Rehab.
# Wipe out the C'tan, starting with the Deceiver for beating me at poker eleven thousand years ago... jerk.
# <s>Wipe out the Necrons.</s> On second thought, keep them around after wiping out the C'tan but kill the ones that can still think, then make them serve Humanity as an tireless, utterly loyal, and unkillable army and reverse engineer their tech. Those infinitely fast inertialess drives will free me from having to power this damned Astronomicon and power armor, ships, and weapons made out of necrodermis would kick ass. Heck, we could take the entire universe with their inertialess drives.
# Teach the [[Tau]] how to fight in Melee. Then when they totally forget about their ranged weapons<s>*We will never know what this said thanks to a dick commissar*</s> ''Information packet retrieved from data segmentum sector ETDL666100934. Displaying text stream:'' we {{BLAM|BLAM}} them with our Bolters!
# Purge Chaos from the universe and seal the Eye of Terror.
# Explain to the Sisters of Battle that having sex once will not kill them. and cover proper condom use.
# Teach the Commissars <s>NOT to kill the Guardsmen they lead.</s> To not kill as often. More at once, maybe. But not as often. Make it <s>Tuesday</s> Monday. Nobody likes Mondays anyways.
# <strike>Marry Macha and fuck the Eldar out of her! Then have 40,000 babies with her!!!!!!!!!! ''-Deemed as #1 Priority by [[Creed]] and the Blood Ravens (particularly by [[Gabriel Angelos]] and [[Indrick Boreale]].)'' (wait, how did Creed get in here and scribble on my to-do list? ''CREEEEEEEEEED!'')</strike> <s>The Emperor hated aliens as much as he hated Chaos. Fact, that part wasn't cooked up by the High Lords.</s> <s>BULLSHIT I WROTE THIS LIST</s> <s>Order the Ordo Xenos (or "persuade" Slaanesh, whichever works) to find a method to turn Macha human (while preserving her sexiness), and THEN have 40.000 babies with her!</s> <s>[[Gabriel Angelos]] already has dibs on her from what I hear.</s> HOW DARE ANGELOS TRY AND MAKE OFF WITH MY VIRGIN BRIDE!
# Eat a live [[Carnifex]] without the aid of sauces.
# Eat another live [[Carnifex]] with the aid of sauces.
# Turn yet Another Carnifex into sauce, while living, and use that as a sauce for the last Carnifex that doesn't fear me.
# Further expand the Warhammer 40K storyline without the interference of Workshop.
# Destroy the enemies of the Imperium.
# Teach the Imperial Guard generals some actual tactics other than sending thousands of Guardsmen to take a hill outpost.
# Tell the Adeptus Mechanicus to stop keeping secrets and actually try to advance technology and reverse-engineer Xeno-tech so we don't have to rely on whatever scraps the Dark age of Technology left us. Threaten to Exterminatus Mars if they don't.
# Replace the Imperial Guardsmen <strike>Flashlights</strike> Lasguns with something that can ''actually'' do shit. Guardsmen with Pulse Rifles and Gauss Flayers HELL YEA!!!!! {{BLAM}} Heresy! His weaponry shall remain pure of your foul, xenos taint! {{BLAM}}
# Gather every Guardsman, Astartes, Inquisition dudes, Sororitas, Commissars... hell, everyone in the Imperium of Man, give them weapons, have them surround the Eye of Terror and ''then'' let the Greatest of all Holy shitstorms ensue.
# Personally execute Fulgrim, Perturabo, Angron and the rest of them traitor Primarchs.. ''after'' the Inquisition has given them a proper torturing. Except Fulgrim. No torture for him will be torture enough.
# Outangry Angron, outsex Fulgrim, outfortify Perturabo, outwit Magnus, outpreach Lorgar, and... I'll think of something Mortarion is good at that won't make me want to puke and beat him at it. Oh wait, huffing deadly poisons.
# Beat Khorne in an arm wrestling match, thus avenging my prior defeat at his hands, then rip his arm off and beat him to death with it.
# Show Slaanesh my dick and watch as he kills him/her/itself because of envy! If he doesn't, just dickslap the bitch into Khorne's arms and eat popcorn while hilarity ensues.
# Hug Papa Nurgle and remain pure.
# Devise a scheme so elaborate and complex that I'll be the one to say "Just as planned" to Tzeentch.
# Give Alpharius and Omegon a hug for staying secretly loyal and fighting Chaos from within for ten thousand years, then ground them for a decade for all the damage they did in the process.
# Outdick [[Eldrad]]. Then screw both of his daughters in front of him. Again.
# <strike>Issue a order to the Inquisition and the Commissariat that Porn is ''not'' Heresy. {{BLAM|However, fantasizing about porn is giving in to excess so it's still heresy; all porn is to be given to your local Commissar for review.}} Watching porn in the first place is giving one's self to excess and is thus, heresy.</strike> The commissariat already permits the distribution of soft-porn to people, especially guardsman. see - novel Rebel Winter you faggots
# Go back in time and tell the dumb fuck at Workshop [[Matthew Ward]] who fucked up the 5th Edition of Codex Astartes that "He's doing it wrong," the dude to made the Imperial Guard better that "He's doing it right,"(Tomb kings and Tyranids disagree), then go to the guy who decided to give the Guard flashlights and take him to the Inquisition to be properly tortured.
# <s>If it exists, there is pMMMMFFF</s>{{BLAM}}{{BLAM|WHO LET FULGRIM IN ???}} Recognize /tg/ for its greatness.
# <s>Permit Space Marines and Sisters of Battle to date. {{BLAM|to breed and create an incorruptible warrior race that will serve in <s>his</s> my name.}} Well, the Astartes call themselves my Sons, and the Sororitas say they're my Daughters... maybe this plan is a wee bit awkward? But I want grandkids, and the last time I was a dad, my son Horus went and ruined Christmas for everybody.</s> <s>Space Marines are sterile.</s> They ain't; in fact, testosterone is essential to their metabolism. They're just conditioned to not have a sex drive. But any conditioning can be broken, [[Space Wolves|right?]]
# Be a better father to the rest of my sons, as not to spark another shitstorm that will inevitably cripple me for another few millennia.
# Go on a deer-hunting trip with some [[Vindicare]] and bag more kills than him using <s>an Exitus Rifle</s> a <s>Long Las</s> <s>FUCKING LASPISTOL!!!</s> MY KICKASS FLAY-WITH-MY-MIND POWERS!!!
# Overshadow an Eversor Assassin during his dynamic entry.
# Deceive a Callidus Assassin with disguises and trick her into having a romantic relationship with me.
# Outbrood a Culexus Assassin and still remain awesome.
# Deceive the C'tan false God "The Deceiver" by tricking him into giving over control of the Necrons to me.
# Find out what if anything is chasing the Tyranids and see if they're friendly. If not: Launch the prototype promethium planetary bombardment torpedo.
# <s>Smack that sorry excuse for a [[Space Marine|"Space Marine"]] [[Indrick Boreale]] for giving me the nickname "Emprah." C'mon Indrick, you want people to call you "Drick" for short?</s> Commend Boreale for his greatness and sanction the construction of BOREALUM, while declaring Boreale to be the Spiritual Lingerie of the Space Marines.
# Once again outdick Eldrad in the game of his choice, forcing him to ragequit.
# Beat a Lord of Change Greater Daemon in a game of Chess with only 5 moves.
# Make a better emergency life support system as a safeguard if things for some reason go south. By that I mean make some kinda Emperor Dreadnought or some shit like that so I can still do my job instead of all this being a decaying corpse on some tricked out toilet worshipped by the entire population... did I mention how much this sucks?
# Outright skullfuck Slaanesh for making something so good be so wrong and heretical.
# Eliminate masturbation across the Imperium <s>and in its place have sanctioned sex workers as part of the socialized medical program</s> <s>{{BLAM|because it is HERESY, and any fa/tg/uys caught doing it be sent to the Inquisitional training academy to be used as "test-subjects" for the Inquisitors in training, or sent of to Adeptus Mechanicus to be turned into servitors.}}</s> (no, I think I had it right before) so nobody will be stuck comforting themselves alone ever again.
# Send search parties throughout the Empire to find that awesome excuse for a Space [[Viking]], [[Leman Russ]], and if he's found alive, hand his ass to him like I did before I got stuck on this throne.
# Prove the existence of the [[Alpha Legion]].
# Expand the Imperium to a intergalactic empire. <strike>Tyranids had to have come from SOMEwhere habitable.</strike> They terraform planets to their liking. So even if there were planets that were habitable there's no guarantee that humans can live on them. And secondly that would be irrelevant because they would be consumed by the Tyranids anyway.
# Create a special rule just for myself so that instead of just ''one'' unit as a scout, I field an ENTIRE REGIMENT'S worth of troops as scouts. <strike>(thus people will stop using Creed's name and will start saying EMPERRRRROOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRR!!1!!!one!!!!)</strike> We already do this.
# Beat a Commissar at a Western-Style shootout. <s>{{BLAM}} {{BLAM|You cannot defeat us!}}</s>
# Recognize the Legion of the Damned for their awesomeness and badassery.
# <strike>Apologize to Magnus for not listening to his warning.</strike>And afterwards,execute him for being a Traitor. Magnus deliberately disobeyed the Emperor and ruined centuries of planning.
# Challenge Sly Marbo to a duel to decide who is the greatest being in the entire universe.
# Beat a Tau Broadside battlesuit in ranged combat using only <s>a lasgun</s> <s>Laspistol</s> <s>FUCKING STUBGUN!!</s>an angry glare.
# Clean house with the Administratum. How can we get shit done when we don't know how much we have to work with?
# Dig out my office from all the paperwork/peat moss that has accumulated over the <s>years</s> <s>decades</s> <s>centuries</s> fucking millennia. Not looking forward to this one.
# Eat the Chaos Gods. Or brutalize them into line. Somehow...
# Hunt down m-'''*BLAM!*''' The Emperors Legendary Power Sword. Again.
# Come up with a Name for m-'''*BLAM!*''' The Emperors Legendary Power Sword.
# <s>Drag Leman Russ and Corax out of the Eye of Terror.</s> Redundant.
# Find the canon-Nazi using this list as his own personal toilet paper to wipe his shit on and mail him to Commorragh.
# Throw a WAAAGH
# Invite the Orks to said WAAAGH.
# Aim said WAAAGH at the Necrons/Tyranids.
# Bring a camera.
# Find and castrate everyone who keeps fucking with my list- I'm the Emperor, dammit! Can I even have my own personal to-do list?...This is what I get for helping humanity, I guess.
# ???
# PROFIT.
# Find Lion El'Jonson and get him back on the front line owning shit.
# Resurrect Rogal Dorn.
# Visit Roboute Guillaume and tell him to hurry the fuck up and fully heal.
# Create a First Founding 2.0 to make the [[Angry Marines]], [[Manly Marines]] and those other guys canon.
# Kill the Commissar responsible for fucking up this list Done and done my friend =)
# <s>Forge another Legendary Power Sword</s>Use the warp to go back in time, find myself and beat myself in a duel, so I can have TWO Legendary Power Sword's!!!
# Come up with more shit for The Emperor's list of Things to do after Resurrection 2.0 if things do go south for some reason and the Emprah-dread ain't ready yet.
# Turn the Armageddon conflict into a 24/7 Reality TV Channel.
# Invent a deodorant that works on Typhus.
# Promote Cypher to Warmaster, he's clearly more competent then any of the puny humans that get to that rank, and seems more reliable then Lion El'Jonson.
# Fuck, trip-out and drink the whole of Commorragh under the table, and then <s>kick</s> PUNT their stoned arses into Hell.
# Somehow regain my love and compassion. Can't lead the Imperium into non-grimdarkness without that, you know!
# GROW A GOD-DAMNED BEARD. HOW CAN I BE CONSIDERED MANLY WITHOUT A BEARD?
# Figure out how to get my awesomesauce body back since it's I lost all my limbs to decomposition.
# <s>Tell everybody that the Ultramarines are awesome.</s> Reconsidered: first, I'll make them stop boasting how awesome they are while in fact they fuck up almost every vital engagement. Thus, first I must make them REALLY awesome, and then I won't need to tell about it to anyone since it will be a fact in itself.
# Somehow find a way to come back without sparking off galaxy-wide hysteria. Seriously, who would have thought being considered a God would suck so hard?
# Redesign the power armor pauldrons. CAN'T SEE SHIT WITH THESE THINGS ON, I MEAN FUCK. While I'm at it, find out why the hell the fuck I though that was a good idea to have those things so big in the first place.
# Design a helmet awesome enough for me, let's see wannabe Horuses try to mortally wound me when all of me is covered in armor.
# Invent a power staircase.
# Congratulate [[Abaddon|Failbaddon]] for doing more damage to the forces of Chaos than my armies could have done in the same amount of time by being an incompetent fuck, then dickslap him back into the Warp.
# <s>Redesign my lightning claw, it looks silly</s> on second thought, it's pretty fuckawesome.
# Surf a flying leviathan.
# Get GW to make a fluff accurate miniature of me.
# Make a legendary thunder-shield for myself.
# Make my armor out of Necrodermis, I'll be invincible then.
# Once Alpharius and Omegon's time out is over, divide the Alpha Legion into Chapters. I don't look forward to dividing a Hundred Thousand space marines into a hundred chapters, shuffling ships around to provide fleets for all of them, filing the paper work for all this, coming up with a hundred names for them, selecting a hundred chapter masters and chief librarians, a thousand or so captains and librarians, ten thousand sergeants and introducing them all to the other chapters and getting them to kiss and make up.
# Find the lost primarchs and make a hundred thousand space marines for each of them, then divide them into two hundred chapters.
# Make Commissar Yarrick into a living saint, I'm tired of Khorne bragging about how cool An'ggrath is and how I have nothing to match him, so I want my own version.
# And If I am already on it, why don't we just resurrect Sanguinius to help me out with point #85, I also think that he would be very helpful with An'ggrath.
# Resurrect Ciaphas Cain and form the "forward retreat" legion for him to command.
# Collect each and every one of the bajillion pieces of Khaine, put them together, and as he resurrects, punch him so hard that he'll fall apart into TWO bajillion pieces.
# Develop a method to make Adeptus Astartes bio-implants work also on women, then use the newly researched technology to turn the Sisters of Battle into female Space Marines. This will make those Slaanesh-worshiper cultists and Dark Eldar faggots think twice before violating ANY of my subjects (and would also hasten up point #34).
# Find that pathetic excuse of a Black Library author [[C.S.Goto]] and kill him. WITH A <s>MULTILASER</s> TWIN-LINKED DUAL MULTILASER!
# Introduce [[Matthew Ward]] to Sanguinius or Leman Russ in person. I'm somewhat curious whether he'll continue his bullshittery about how "Ultramarines are better than anyone else" afterwards. Or do anything after that.
# Create a super sleeping pill for the Void Dragon so he'll never wake up. In case it won't work, I will pummel him back to sleep personally. It worked before, thus I suppose it wouldn't be too much harder a second time, but I have a lot of better things to attend to so the sleeping pill is worth a try.
# Find the C'tan called "The Outsider" and rehabilitate him. If not possible, kick him into a Black Hole.
# Kill the idiot responsible for those last two "additions" to my list. I know where you live cultist, and I'm going to get you.
# Finally win a game of Paradox Poker. Yes it's fun to get together with Tzeentch, the Deceiver, and Cegorach every Saturday night for these games of dickery. But it's about time that someone won one of these games and it might as well be me. Maybe I can bring Creed along to help.
# Organize my birthday party.
# Rewrite this list to be closer to the canon.
# Out-prank and out-funny Cegorach... probably the most difficult thing to do on my list.
# Rewrite this list to be half way legible. Seriously. It's a disorganized mess.
# Find out how this Macha shit started, kill the faggot who made it, and then kill off Macha. The mere idea I would fuck a vile Xeno? HERESY! SUPREME HERESY!! TAKE THAT DOWN! FOR IT IS MY NEWEST VERDICT!
# Apologize to Lorgar. None of this would have happened had I simply explained my super-sekrit-starve-the-fuck-out-of-Chaos idea to him. And then I could have let him preach when everything was as planned. What the fuck was I on back then.
# Fuck Macha in every way possible, each way for several years, then figure out a new way to insert my penis into an orifice.
# Relearn how to use basic grammar. Did I seriously just space out that badly? Fuck, man.
# Set up arrangements for my return where I launch myself out of a Vindicator and hit a Demon Prince, [[awesome|causing him to explode.]]
# Figure out how to tell [[Adeptus Mechanicus|my man bitches]] to add pimp wheels to my golden throne then maybe a magma cannon or something badass...
# <s>Apologize to Magnus. Sorry son, I fucked up. Bad.</s><s> WHO THE FUCK KEEPS ADDING THIS 'SORRY MAGNUS' SHIT TO MY LIST?! I DID NOT FUCK UP. MAGNUS DID.</s> {{BLAM|*BLAM* CLAIMING TO BE THE EMPEROR IS *BLAM* SUPREME *BLAM* FUCKING *BLAM**BLAM*BLAM* HERESY!!!}}
# Apologize to Angron. If I had saved his buddies as well he wouldn't have turned to evil. But Magnus still sucks dusty ass.
# Find a way to come back to life. That Starchild and Sensei-Emperor shit won't work.
# High-five Khârn for killing all those Chaos Space Marines and then again for being such a great guy. Then point at his shattered arm and laugh at him.
# Add another item to this list.
# Re-cushion the golden throne.
# Fix my fucked up face.
# Develop better plans to stop global warming and acid rain on [[Hiveworld]] planets.
# <s>Ask for a dreadnought next time I am mortally injured like this.</s> Personally get that dreadnought back-up plan started. Item 57 might help this along.
# Beat Abbaddon with his own arms.
# Recharge my iAuspex.
# Beat [[Matt Ward]] and [[C.S. Goto]] over the head with their crappy works
# Tell the Black Templars to chill the fuck out. On second thought gather them into the 10,000 strong unstoppable force (ITS IN THE CODEX IT MUST BE SO) and destroy the Eye of Terror.
# Release Bjorn and find the Space Wolves a kennel.
# Win a blinking contest with the Eye of Terror.
# Fetch Badassius his coat.
# Look up affordable retirement plans, I am so sick of babysitting some of these hopeless morons.
# Challenge [[Doomrider]] into a space coke-snorting contest. Then laugh at him as he dies from overdosing on the stuff.
# Convince Doombreed to allow a model of himself to be made.
# Get a haircut. Ensure my hair is even more fabulous.
# Have a trip over to the dentist.
# Start an intergalactic fast food chain.
# <s>Sue Blizzard.</s> DAMMNIT, copyright laws don't allow for suing over rippoffs!
# Assign Primarch to the Angry Marines
# Assign Zoloft regiment to newly anointed Primarch of the Angry Marines
# Find my driver's license and look up own name.
# Acquire at least two henchmen to entertain me with their constant failure.
# Wait for a perfect opportunity to say "SnooPINGAS usual I see."
# Make Galaxy Wide Web.
# Invent a social network purely for Space Marines accessible from any data slate called Facemarine.com
# Invent a website called 40.000chan.org so that humanity will finally be rid of the IRL [[trolls]] that have taken control over the hive cities, instead of the internet.
# Outangry a Angry Marine
# Outpretty a Pretty Marine
# Beat Tzeentch at a game of Scrabble '''TWICE'''. Then dickslap him into the sun.
# Outfap [[Faptau]] in a furry challenge.
# Utterly destroy all [[furry|furfaggotry]]. (space wolves not included!)
# Complete The 666 Rituals of Detestation backwards just to flex how awesome I am. Then do it again. By multiplicicatives of x^3.4
# Out[[meme|pingas]] Dr. Robotnik.
# Beat myself in armwesling with only one arm.
# Listen to '''JUSTIN FUCKING FAGGOTYASS BIEBER (EXTRA EXTRA HERESY)''' for more than 10 consecutive seconds without succumbing to chaos or suicide.
# Beat Ninja Gaiden on hard mode in less then 5 minutes with my ass, blindfolded, gagged and bound, while being attacked by raptors and bears, under water, in space.
# '''Falcon Punch''' Chris Redfield in the dick for not being nearly racist enough in Resident Evil 5.
# Beat Commissar Fuklaw in a chainsword duel. Then every Angry Marine.
# Tell the Blood Ravens to stop dicking around in the Aurelia Subsector and get to work on that Eye Of Terror thing.
# Satisfy [[Shlicktau]] to the point were she no longer wants to shlick.
# Cure space-AIDS by wiping out those filthy Dark Eldar.
# Wipe Nurgle's ass without vomiting my guts out and die a slooooooow death. (again)
# Pimp the Golden Throne so that i may score even more bitches. (no you can't has)
# <s>Fuck the brains out of every single Sister of Battle, then tell them to go back to the kitchen where they rightfully belong.</s> {{BLAM|HERESY!}}
# Make a show called "The Fresh Emperor of Sacred Terra".
# ???
# PROFIT
# <s> Creed was here.</s> No, I wasn't. Now I am!
# Get new toilet paper, this 40,001 year megapack has almost run out.
# Turn off my nightlight. Seems that everyone was using it for something. Too bad.
# Order all thrones, chairs and benches destroyed. Or out of my sight at least, on pain of Exterminatus Cheezious, which is like getting creamed, but harder.
# Neuter Slaanesh, Preserve Tzeentch in Carbonite, Wash and Autoclave Nurgle, get Khorne married.
# Find [[meme|the cake]] from Portal.
# Get [[Isha]] out of Nurgle's clutches, then watch as every Eldar wych freaks out, incidentally causing the Eye of Terror to blink. [[Just as Planned]].
# Buy milk.
# Seduce Isha, just to prove you could, and watch as Nurgle gets pissed.
# Then laugh.
# Then give Nurgle a bath, with holy water made by distilling the blood of 1,000,000,000,000 saints.
# Run before plagues eat Nurgle alive for not being diseased enough, spontaneously combusting with the power of 10 of my Legendary Power Swords.
# Build a gold fortress at the [[brits|centre]] of Terra to enslave troglodytes.
# Become human parasite.
# Trick bear into going to college.
# <s>Create Earthquake Machine.</s> You haven't heard of [[Exterminatus]] obviously.
# Invent time machine.
# <s>Travel to past; kill father.</s> Wait, do I even have a father?
# Punch [[Mork]] in the balls, with [[Gork]]'s severed fist.
# <s>Promote [[Creed]] to Emperor; become his right hand man.</s> {{BLAM|HERESY!}}
# Demote [[Creed]] and his friends who keep fucking with my list.
# Pray night and day that Frank Herbert's family doesn't sue the shit out of me for blatantly ripping him off.
# Get [[Andy Chambers]] BACK!!!
# Bitch slap [[Games Workshop]] for keeping [[Matt Ward]] on as a fucking codex writer, filling the [[Grey Knights]] with '''HERESY''' and basically making Rowboat Girlyman the second me.
# Kick every heretic who claimed the Space Marine game was a rip off of Gears of war/Starcraft in the balls with Powerboots. Then send the [[Angry Marines]] in.
# Beat [[Matt Ward]] to death with [[C.S. Goto]].
# Beat [[C.S. Goto]] to death with [[Matt Ward]]'s corpse.
# Using the time-machine to drink [[Leman Russ]] under the table.
# Using the time-machine so I can eat more than Leman Russ as well.
# Give the Nightbringer nightmares about me.
# Then.. shit, I dunno, watch Adventure time or something.
# <s>Learn values of Love and Toleration from My Little Pony and conquer the galaxy with friendship.</s> ''Message intercepted by Angry Marines. Response: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU YOU FUCKING FAGGOT!''
# Personally put my POWER FIST through MATT WARD, if I haven't already and have all [[Khornate Knights]] put through all Inquisitorial Torture methods.
# Resurrect Sanguinius. <s>On related subject, figure out how to cure the Black Rage.</s> Fuck that, have you seen those mad bastards tear up Tyranids?!
# Sit down and a have a cup of tea. Because it's just been that fucking long.
# <s>Force the whole of the Imperium to watch My Little Pony so that they understand it isn't that bad. Hell I've been sitting here for a millennium, need to do something other than making this list to keep from getting bored.</s> ALIEN PROPAGANDA WILL NOT BE TOLERATED, DEATH TO THE XENOS LOVING SCUM {{BLAM}}
# Find a way to re-create Horus's soul and then destroy it again.
# <s>Resurrect Chuck Norris then kill him with a roundhouse kick</s> HERESY! The emperor and Chuck Norris are best friends.
# Put a new password on my computer to stop all these heretics from accessing my damn list! <s>and my secret stash of porn.</s>
# <s>Destroy [[My Little Pony]] and the heretical bronies, thoroughly.</s> Never mind, I found a screen cap that says I'm best. It had "Trips of Truth" and everything.
# Beat the living hell out of the guy/people who gave Mass Effect 3 shitty endings.
# Then do it again.
# Buy a really big gun to gather a load of Orks and shit in the middle of nowhere.
# Virus Bomb said area.....
# ???
# Profit!
# Show Rick Santorum who the TRUE God of humanity is!
# Show the New Apostolic Reformation the [[Warp]].
# Take a dump on the Golden Throne.
# Congratulate Vance Stubbs.
# Shit on the corpse of that sad excuse for a space marine, [[Indrick Boreale|Boreale]].
# Reverse the damage done to the Space Marines codex done by MATT "DUMBSHIT" WARD and make the Ultramarines [[brits|awesome]] again. (I miss the days when they were the average space marine and not second to me).
# Go out on a shopping day to buy a new outfit, because this golden armour set is just ''SO'' 10 millennia ago.
# Divide by 0
# Order the Inquisition to torture the fuck out of EA's board of directors.
# Get something bad to happen in Canada. This may be the most difficult task yet.
# [[/v/|Exterminatus IGN for being corrupt and for pissing on awesome indie games by giving them scores of 6 and 7 yet give COD Mw3 9.5!]]
# Release the new 10 volume boxed set of "Adeptus Sororitas Gone Wild!"
# Use proceeds to pay for Power Armor for every front line soldier in the Imperial Guard. Commissars get Terminator Armor.
# <s>Mourn the loss of Dark Millenium as no longer being an MMO.</s> No, actually, a single player RPG is better.
# Modify the Imperial Palace to be able to transform into "God Emperor Class Titan".
# Play [[Matt Ward]] in a game of Warhammer 40K. Let him build the ultimate broken [[Ultramarines]]/[[Grey Knights]] army. Destroy him in the first round with a [[Sisters of Battle]] army.
# Go back in time and reduce the prices at [[Games Workshop]].
# Unfuck the galaxy (again).
# Adopt [[Cultist-Chan]]. Hire a dialect coach and orthodontist for her.
# Find a [[Tarrasque]] and make it my personal pet.
# Watch [[Fist of the North Star]], again.
# Become a pimp, the [[Sisters of Battle]] should make ideal bitches.
# <s>Divide by 0.</s> Consult psychiatrist to discuss the possibility of memory disorder.
# Commend [[Captain Titus]] for not succumbing to Ultramarine stereotypes. Conclude the ceremony by striking Brother Leandros (the ungrateful fucking smurf) in the testicles with a thunder hammer.
# Discover a way to cook Tyranids so they taste like buttered lobsters or fried bacon. That way, Imperial Guardsmen will not only be cheered by the prospect of a good meal at the end of a battle, but they would appreciate the irony of galaxy-eaters suddenly becoming tasty grub. Hiveships, once dreaded, now become flying hors d'oeuvres platters.
# Rip open an entrance to the warp and stick Matt Ward ass-first to plug the fissure. Preferably with bacon strips stapled to his cornhole, as well as a note written "Khorne is a pussy faggot" attached with duct tape to his ballsack.
# Get some Preparation H from the Apothecaries.
# Revise Imperial naval doctrine to emphasize that SPACE IS NOT A FUCKING OCEAN!
# Write a best-selling autobiography.
# <s>Buy a shop-vac and drain [[Khorne]]'s lake of blood. Dump hydrofluoric acid on his skull pile until it is a calcium slurry. Laugh scornfully at Khorne's unbelievable [[rage]] as the work of centuries goes to waste in a few hours.</s> Hmm, I may have to think harder on my escape plan after I do this. Can't stand up to them Chaos Gods in a fair fight after all.
# Tell everyone to cheer up. The universe is [[grimdark|depressing]] enough, I don't need an entire [[Imperium|empire]] worth of wangst.
# Keep [[Matt Ward]] alive but imprisoned, while I imagine the unlimited ways to torment him. In the meantime, I will personally remove his hands with a chainsword (without anesthesia) as both punishment and precaution against further damage.
# Create a chastity belt out of necrodermis and put it on Slaanesh.
# Introduce football to Orks and create elaborate stadiums, as to distract them from killing us. <s>(Note:American Football)</s> As an afterthought, soccer might fit them better.
# <s>Weaponize a [[Sonic Weaponry|vuvuzela]].</s> CREATING NOISE MARINE WEAPONRY?! HERESY! {{BLAM}}
# Get new ballpoint pens because this damn list is draining the ink.
# Consider ways to liven up sports with the introduction of power armor/fists.
# Make Blood bowl the Imperium's official sport.
# Invite the [[Eldar]], [[Chaos]] and the [[Ork]] forces to participate in Blood Bowl games, proceed to rig every game.
# Consult psychiatrist to discuss the possibility of memory disorder.
# Disband the [[Ultramarines]] Chapter and show [[Matt Ward]] what has been done as part of the torture.
# Revive the [[Squats]].
# <s>Apologize to Horus. It was my fault for not taking him to the amusement park when he was a wee little boy.</s> What the fuck was I thinking? No, change that to, "Piss on Horus' maggoty, heretical corpse."
# Tell the Angry Marines to chill the fuck out and if they get angry remind them that I'm the emperor.
# Teach the [[Adeptus Mechanicus]] there is no such thing as <s>ghosts ([[anime|in the shell]])</s> machine spirits, and tell them they can start using AI and computers more. See notes regarding Imperial Navy for immediately apparent uses.
# Congratulate The Legion Of The Damned.
# Introduce [[Nurgle]] to breath mints, toothpaste, soap, hair wash, body wash, detergent, water, and anything else hygiene beneficial.
# <s>Introduce a five year old to the word heresy and have them walk into the Angry Marine chapter base while screaming it repeatedly after reassuring him/her there is nothing to fear because I'm the Emperor and asking him/her to do it.</s> Okay,prepare for long session with psychiatrist.
# Have sex with Farseer Caerys because she has one of the sexiest voices in DoW II.
# <s>Execute Captain Titus for his Wardian plot armor. He's obviously not a blank.</s> If Ultramarines are dissolved, then the plot armor vanishes and Captain Titus can fight on his own merits. No need for useless execution.
# Punish the Commissar on this page for his constant BLAMMing on the Emperors to do list.
# Make friends with the Void Dragon.
# Sniff some warp dust out of curiosity.
# Determine if sexual virility has remained intact. If not, demand the necessary supplements under pain of death.
# <s>Tear into the Starcraft universe and shit on all three (or four, including the hybrids) races through superior firepower and faith. Then acquire SCV templates, given the fact that those things are roving STCs.</s> Starcrap's not worth my damn time. Let Slaanesh or some nameless Living Saint or Chapter Master do this.
# Make love with an [[Ork]].
# Make love with a Great Unclean One
# Dominate a Sister of Battle in bed.
# Drink some coke and Dr. Pepper because it's been so damn long.
# <s>Time for [[My Little Pony|ponies]].</s> {{BLAM}} {{BLAM|Heresy! Referring to the Emprah as a brony or furry is grounds for immediate execution by the Inquisition!}}
# Maоrry Farseer Caerys and fuck the Eldar out of her.
# Replace sandbags with Guardsmen.
# Build a Death Star and go around blowing up Chaos Worlds.
# Make sure that the Death Star's power generator doesn't explode if shot.
# Deal with all the spam on 1d4chan
# Bring back Warhammer Wednesday
# Have some pie
# Single-Handedly take down an Ork "Waaagh!"
# Feed the Jersey Shore Cast to the Tyranids.
# Kill Gorgutz, If he doesn't run away from the Fight, like he Did on Lorn, Kronus and Karauva.
# Have some more pie.
# Fetch Khorne's coat for him. And pray he doesn't smash me for being late on it. <s>{{BLAM}} {{BLAM|Heresy!}}</s> Hey, fuck you. I wrote this list.
# Activate melta-charges that were placed in Khorne's coat.
# Apologize to Arik Taranis. Sorry, 'Babu Dhakal'.
# <s>ANGRY MARINE WAS HERE, MOTHERFUCKER.</s> I'm your God. Get off my list.
# Create for myself a massive golden space-caddy to roll around the Imperium and fuck bitches in
# Train the commisars to stop executing their own men and start executing bronies instead.
# Play SCP:Containment breach while wearing headphones in the dark and not shit my pants.
# Feed Nurgle with soap
# Offically recognize the reasonable marines as the Knights Inductor. I need a Space Marine chapter that doesn't go trigger happy when they encounter heresy and xenos.
# <s>Create space marines chapter full of douchbags, oh wait i already have ultramarines...</S> GET A DEDICATED SPELLCHECKING PROGRAM BECAUSE APPARENTLY MY SERVANTS ARE RETARDS WHO CAN'T EVEN SPELL THE WORD "DOUCHE" TO SAVE THEIR LIVES!!!
# Replace the Inquisitions 'patented' heresy meter with a... screw it. I'll just go with getting rid of the assholes.
# <s>Create space marines chapter full of angry guys and awsome weponry, oh wait i aldredy have ultramarines</s> <s>FUCK YOU PUNK! WE NOW WERE YOU LIVE AND WE WILL CRUSADE YOUR ASS WITH POWERCHAIR'S!!</s> I'm on Terra dumass, everyone knows that and my chair have more power than all your's power chair's putted togheter
# SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARTA!!!!!!!{{BLAM}} {{BLAM|Heresy!}} EMMMMMMMMMMMMPPPPEEEERRRROOOORRRRR
# Create comanders that will kill there soldier's if they try desertion, oh wait i aldredy have ultramarines...{{BLAM}} {{BLAM|Heresy!}}
# Attend to a Space Wolves Party and destroy the hell out of all their bitches's holes with mah giant cock. Then calm the men down with a biscuit.
# Get Special Rooms 1 through 655 (save for 241 and 527, in retrospect they did not turn out all that well) in working order and finish 656 through 682. In particular 421 probably needs attention and getting 293 should at about a third of them into mostly working shape.
[[Category: Awesome]]
# find vect and impale him for being the most brutal ass master to ever walk the 40k universe
# Try and find a way to not die as a few thousand years catch up to me when I get resurrected.
# Reserve engineer an ACU.
# Reserve engineer the Star Wars universe's galaxy crossing communications tech so the ACU can build it.
# Go into the earlier lore and use the ACU to reverse engineer the Necrons warp separator things and FTL travel.
# Use the ACU to mass produce all the above, and for good measure, use it to build some World Devastators and a Star Forge to speed up the process, but be sure to remove the whole darkside insanity side effects of the latter.
# <s>Profit!!!! </s> Galactic domination since I'll have separated the Warp from the materium and cut off all forms of FLT travel and galaxy spanning communication but my own.
# Make sure this actually stops the Eldar's webway from working before I start gloating to them.
# Find a new use for the Grey Knights since there's no daemons for them to fight anymore, and re-design them.
# Find out what I was smoking when I named the Grey Knights, Grey is not the color that comes to mind when one thinks of purity and their armor is SILVER.
# Revive Bruce Lee and use him to destroy all Orks.
# Mourn my inability to gloat to Khorne that I have Bruce Lee and he doesn't.
# Make a chapter of Space Marines born from clones of [[Simo Hayha]] that is justifiably overpowered in the tabletop.
# Hang Stephenie Myres with barbed wire.
# Kill Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer in a manner to horrible to be described.
# Punch the idiot that worked as the voice director to the English version of Final Fantasy X.
# Make a good Dungeons and Dragons movie.
# Make a Doom movie in the style of the Doom comic with Bruce Campbell as the marine.
# Get at least one Space Marine commander, preferably a Grey Knight, in some future Warhammer game to be voiced by James Earl Jones.
# Make sure the EA doesn't fuck up the upcoming Warhammer Online: Wrath of Heroes game, and keep a TARDIS on hand if they do.
# Learn the Doctor's real name.
# Defeat the vampire Valvatorez in ham-to-ham combat.
# Kill Uwe Boll in a manner even worse than what I killed Jason Friedberg Aaron Seltzer in.
# Copy the magic propaganda towers in Command and Conquer Generals so that my tanks can use them. (PRIORITY!)
# Get my engineers to stop modelling everything after pre-cold war vehicles, seriously, WHY THE HELL DID THEY EVER DO THAT? (You told them to, my Lord. Those designs date back to the Great Crusade...)
# Copy the designs of the robots AIGIS and KOS-MOS and mass produce them into their own orders of Sisters of Battle.
# Mock Slaanesh's worshippers that I now an army hot killer robots and they don't.
# Lock the cast of Twilight, except maybe Bella's father and the Illuminati vampire how chews scenery, in a room with Alucard.
# Make another Sisters of Battle order of clones of Seras Victoria after she started drinking blood.
# Copy that mantra tech stuff from Asura's Wrath and use it Space Marines to keep them from being rendered useless. I'll probably start with the Grey Knights since they'll have nothing else to do at this point.
# Learn the Falcon Punch.
# Learn the Shoryuken.
# Create a combination of the attacks that doesn't have cheap name combination like "Rising Falcon Punch."
# Taunt Cthulu.
# Flip-off Cthulu.
# Scam Cthulu.
# Punch out Cthulu.
# Romance Cthulu FUCK OFF, THERE'S NO WAY I'M DOING THAT.
# Create a [[Warhammer Fantasy]] RTS that approaches [[Dawn Of War]]'s quality. Why the fuck is this so low on my list?
# <s> spread my ass cheeks sit on the floor and scoot around like a dog scratching its bottom and admit that i deep throated slaanesh' strap on through a glory hole and climaxed as he/she/it gave me the ole KitKat crunchy.</s> SIGNAL INLFLUX RECIEVER LOCATED, SENDING DOWN THE ANGRY MARINES MOTHERFUCKER.
# Tame an Ork Horde and send it all on that Daemon asshole who wrote that thing above. Fucking asshole.Whoever fucked up my list is going straight to Slaanesh's part of the Warp.
# Have a nice relaxing bath.
# Eat a pie with a live Carnifex inside with the aid of sauces.
# Stalk Slender Man.
# Play Dark Souls: Prepare To Die Edition to completion and die only once.
# Use a Power Sword as a Tooth Pick
# Use the Codex Astartes as Toilet paper
# Win all the Mortal Combat games in 30 seconds
# Also make MORTAL KHOMBAT (Ork version)
# Look disapprovingly at the Ecclesiarchy then bitch-slap the priests
# Find a BANEBLADE in my Pants Who Did this what kind of tactical geni- CCCCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
# Order a Pizza with Extra Man Sause
# <s>Bitch-slap the Queers of war Devs</s> <s>Why, it's the fanboys everyone hates, no the developers</s> {{BLAM}}
# Bitch-slap the Queers of war Fanboys
# Bitch-slap the 5 year old CoD Fanboys who only play MW 1-3 and BO's 1&2 who get overexcited about the same-game with worse story lines
# Resurrect Total Biscuit and make him a Primarch
# keep sopa dead
# Keep PIPA dead
# Punch Q, he deserved it {{BLAM}} Commissar agrees
# Make that Deathbattle episode of Rebecca Black vs Justin Bieber a reality
# Go to [[/d/|Felarya and assemble a harem of the planet's giant man-eating women]]
# Punch [[Warmachine|Menoth]], he earned it more than Q
# Punch Discord, he earned more than Menoth
# Model the Imperium's vehicles after something other than pre-cold war designs so we can overcome the obvious design flaws in all the-{{BLAM|HERESY!}} {{BLAM|HERESY!}} {{BLAM}} {{BLAM}} {{BLAM}} {{BLAM}} {{BLAM}} {{BLAM}} {{BLAM}} {{BLAM}} {{BLAM}} {{BLAM}} {{BLAM}}{{BLAM}}{{BLAM}}{{BLAM}}{{BLAM}}{{BLAM}}{{BLAM}}{{BLAM}}{{BLAM}}
# Get George Lucas time and sledge hammer, or possibly a thunderhammer if he can lift one, so that he can destroy every copy of the wretched Star Wars Christmas Special
# Make a 40K version of Bloodbowl
# Find out what ever happened to the mouse
# Write an autobiograp-{{BLAM|HERESY!}}
# Get Studio Gainax to make an adaption of RE-TAKE, and also kill all the media watchdogs so nobody complains about the sex scenes that don't even take up much of the plot. Also make sure the fight scenes DON'T OCCUR OFF-SCREEN!
# Find that blasted alien Kyubuy and cut him into little tiny pieces of meat while he's still breathing, and do that to all of his extra bodies
# Change the names of everything in Supreme Commander to ones that make sense
# Kill the stupid Warhammer fanboys that give the fanbase a bad name, especially the ones on this websit-{{BLAM|HERESY!}}
# Pet the dog
# Kill the kids from the Trix commercials, they're evil
# Kill the Cool-aid Man, he's a public menace
# Get a sequel to Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem made
# Get [[Snowflame]] included the DCU reboot, and make sure whoever writer him understands why the people like him and keeps that aspect of his character intact
# Get Snowflame to appear in a crossover battle with Deadpool
# Kill the Garbage Pail Kids, they shouldn't exist and neither should that wretched movie they starred in
# Adopt a cabbit, and teach it transform into a Death Star
# Grab every copy of One More Day and One Moment in Time and make Joe Quesada eat them
# Get the Doctor to erase the events of Marvel's Civil War.
# Get Frank Miller a restrained from away from any creative writing until he gets his common sense back
# Find and make love to Sindri's DoW voice.{{BLAM}}
# learn scripting to be able to change this list -{{BLAM|HERESY!}} no actually no
# Figure out why People keep murdering Psykers in front of me.
# Out man Chuck Norris with a fingernail
# Rape slanessh till it cry's
# pay for my next 10,001 year playboy magazine subscription
# make the Borg
# make SPHEEES marine scouts wear Terminator amour as their scout amour
# ???
# Taco Profit
# Think of new ideas
# take a nap
# puke
# hire some squat
# Declare Exterminatus upon Equestria
# Start a diary.
# Change my mind on 403
# Put my fucking list under lock and key...
# Look at list before I go through it because there's some crazy non Emperor shit in here
# Order a Dreadnought to be modelled after Indrick Boreale
# Rape chuck norris till he dies (about 30 seconds should do it)

Sly Marbo

2012-12-13T00:28:32Z

71.166.4.30: /* Sly Marbo Facts */

[[Image:Sly Marbo Art.jpg|frame|Sniper Pistol!!11!1!]]Sly Marbo (A.K.A Rip-Off of Rambo, The One-Man Army, Chuck Norris/Sylvester Stallone made grimdark) is a renowned Catachan Jungle Fighter, however, he operates separately from other Catachan units as he's a lone wolf almost all the time. He is so famous, so awesome, so fearsome and so ridiculously powerful that everybody (and I mean everybody; The Chaos Gods, The Emperor, the Primarchs, EVERYBODY) would cease to exist the moment they faced him.
==Marbo in Game==
Marbo is an elite unit choice for the [[Imperial Guard]] rather than an HQ (as is the case with most special characters), which makes sense because he's an operative, not a commander. He costs the bitchin' low amount of 65 points (so the same as a 10 man squad of Guardsmen with grenade launcher and power weapon). Marbo also carries a motherfucking Demo charge around with him so when he's deployed onto the field from reserves, he drops a S8/AP2 pieplate of death that's designed to fuck up some squad's day anywhere on the map, after that he pretty much plays out like a regular unit (except he is alone and far less effective than an entire unit of most things).

Marbo, if you strike him into enemy lines, will inevitably die because your opponent will really want him dead due to the threat he poses against infantry. Marbo, however, IS the shit. All of his weapons are poisoned, he's pretty good at assault and shooting {though his shooting attack is somewhat short ranged, so you're better off charging the enemy lines) and will invariably wreck some expensive squad's day before he dies a glorious death, assuming he gets close. If he ever DOES die, reality will stop for a brief moment and The Emprah will be heard to shout "What's wrong? Sly? SLY!"

==Marbo in Novel==
Marbo appeared in the novel Deathworld. In the novel, the main characters, though in a squad of 10, were already having trouble surviving the planet and its life. It was made impossible to fall asleep and wake up (because you'd already be dead!) without someone keeping watch over you. How the hell then did Sly Marbo do it? Nobody really knows, maybe its because of the facts below. In fact, he is one of the most poorly developed characters in the entire 40k history, some speculate that he is on par with Boreale and Carron. And in the Codex the little that is mentioned of him makes him out to be even more of a badass, he is known to have been awarded multiple Stars of Terra the (highest military award in the imperium) so many in fact that he stopped caring and needed someone else to hold them for him.

== Sly Marbo Facts ==
(Note:Try to place as many facts as you can)
*Marbo once farted and Chuck Norris was almost killed in the explosion.
*Marbo does not sleep, he waits.
*Sly Marbo is the reason the Void Dragon is hiding.
*Sly Marbo scares the living shit out of all the Ordo Malleus, Ordo Hereticus, and Ordo Xenos put together.
*Sly Marbo passes any characteristic test he is required to take including Toughness, Leadership, STD, Genetic, Initiative and Paternity.
*[[Abaddon]] stole the planet killer off the shelf in his local supermarket. When he got home and opened the box he found Marbo sitting inside.
*In Dawn of War 2: Retribution, Tyranid ending, the swarm strips all life from subsector Aurelia. Well, 99.999% of it; Marbo was still there.
*Sly Marbo is Never added to an army. Army lists are added to Sly Marbo.
*In the movement phase, Sly Marbo stays stationary and moves the gaming table 6" in any direction.
*They developed a new branch of the Inquisition specifically for Marbo - Ordo Marbo-icus.
*Sly Marbo killed Batman's parents.
*Lightsabers are powered by Marbo's toenail clippings.
*Sly Marbo once fought Nurgle and changed him into a flower.
*When Sly Marbo falls in water he doesn't get wet. The water gets Sly Marbo.
*Sly Marbo knows where in the galaxy [[Leman Russ]] is, but he won't tell because he doesn't want anyone to find the body.
*The [[God-Emperor of Mankind|Emperor]] isn't on the Golden Throne, he just left a dummy there to keep Marbo off his trail. Marbo's not fooled.
*The Grim Reaper doesn't come for Sly Marbo, Sly Marbo comes for the Grim Reaper.
*Sly Marbo has two speeds. Walk and Exterminatus.
*The Emperor quit the crusade because Sly told him too.
*Sly isn't the missing [[Primarch]]. He is the Entire Missing Legion!
*Sly Marbo really loves kittens and puppies. He thinks they're best served rare.
*Sly Marbo never washes. Dirt is too afraid to touch him.
*When MC Hammer is around, it's Hammertime. When Marbo is around, you know poor MC will never be back.
*Sly Marbo can touch MC Hammer. And did. Violently.
*Marbo destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
*Sly Marbo made [[Colonel-Commissar Ibram Gaunt]]'s spare camo cloak out of fibers from his own chest hair.
*Sly Marbo doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
*Sly Marbo has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a little jar next to his bed.
*Sly Marbo stole my heart. I think he ate it.
*Sly Marbo <s>sleeps</s> waits with a pillow under his gun.
*Exterminatus is Marbo's breath, bottled.
*Marbo is the Shadow in the Warp; the Tyranids are trying to get away.
*It is said that Sly Marbo's tears can bring back the emperor. Sadly, Marbo never has cried and never will.
*Sly Marbo doesn't cry, his eyes just sweat.
*People think that when Tyranids destroy worlds they strip all life from the planet, in all reality it's Sly Marbo deciding that planet sucks.
*Same for [[Exterminatus]]
*Sly Marbo doesn't drive vehicles, the vehicle drive themselves trying to get away.
*Sly Marbo doesn't fire his weapon, the ammo inside his gun is scared feckless and fire themselves.
*Kreig was never purged by the Death Korps. Marbo just ate too many beans.
*You can't go back in time and kill Sly Marbo, because Sly Marbo was shat out by Chuck Norris.
*When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Sly Marbo. Not that he would find him even if he tried.
*The Death Star didn't fire lasers, it fired Marbo's fist.
*Grievous isn't wheezing because of a force attack, he just inhaled pure Sly Marbo particles and couldn't handle the awesome.
*The [[Tyranid]]s actually came to our galaxy fleeing from Chuck Norris. What they don't realise, however, is that Norris, in a classic pincer maneuver, has sent them right into Sly Marbo's waiting arms.
*The [[C'tan|Nightbringer]] doesn't go outside at night because he's worried that Sly Marbo is waiting for him.
*A Lictor bit Sly Marbo and after 2 weeks of pain and agony the Lictor died.
*It's enough once Sly Marbo glances upon you to feel your ass was ripped in two.
*A commissar once tried to execute Sly Marbo for morale. Morale was restored when Sly Marbo was done killing him.
*Sly Marbo isn't addicted to lho sticks, lho sticks are just addicted to Sly Marbo.
*Techpriests aren't looking for STCs, they're looking for the sacred atoms of metal that came off Sly Marbo's junk that power them.
*Most Vindicare assassins want to grow up to be just like Sly Marbo, most however grow up to be killed by him.
*Sly Marbo defines heresy.
*Eye of Terror was created when Sly Marbo punched a star with his bare fist.
*Sly Marbo allows the Emperor to borrow his Golden Throne.
*Should the Commissars not shoot traitors, Sly Marbo would <s>awaken</s> stop waiting.
*Sly Marbo <s>once</s> twice conquered the whole Ultima Segmentum.
*The Emperor didn't kill Horus, Sly Marbo did.
*Did you hear that [[Abaddon|Failbaddon]] beat Sly Marbo? You haven't? Good, me neither.
*Sly Marbo doesn't fear Nurgle's rot, Nurgle's rot fears Sly Marbo.
*Sly Marbo let the dogs out.
*Sly Marbo beat [[Marneus Calgar|Papa smurf]] in arm wrestling using his little finger.
*Fun fact!: Even the [[Angry Marines]] are scared shitless of Marbo. Even their chapter master: Temperus Maximum, can't curse or even look at him with the slightest bit of anger.
*A [[Bloodthirster]] once challenged Sly Marbo. The experience was so traumatizing that it has refused to manifest into realspace since for fear of being in the same plane of existence as Marbo.
*[[Konrad Curze]] wasn't killed by a Callidus Assassin, Marbo just dropped by and kicked him in the happy sack so hard that he hasn't gotten up to this day. The Imperium just used the Assassin as a cover story to make it look like the Assasinotorium still has it's uses.
*[[Vance Motherfucking Stubbs]], [[Colonel "Iron Hand" Straken|Colonel "I mindfucked an Eldar Farseer with my non-psychic mind" Straken]], and Sly Marbo regularly get together for poker night in a secret dimension which only pure essences of awesome may visit. [[Creed]] doesn't get invited because nobody likes it when a stack of ordinary poker chips turns out to be a squadron of [[Leman Russ Battle Tank|Leman Russ Demolishers]], just lying in wait.
*When Marbo fails his armor or invulnerable save, the one who caused it gets the wound.
*Sly Marbo stared into [[Slaanesh]] him/her/itself, Slaanesh later lost his/her/it's soul to Marbo.
*Sly Marbo took a stroll through the Gardens of [[Nurgle]], it became disease free after he left.
*Sly Marbo got into [[Tzeentch]]'s forbidden library, blindfolded, in just 5 seconds.
*[[Khorne]] didn't cause the endless chasm in his brass citadel out of rage, Marbo just put his foot down in front of Khorne once.
*Sly Marbo once gave a riddle to the [[C'tan|Deceiver]], the Deceiver never solved it.
*[[Khaine|Khaela Mensha Khaine]] only shattered into a bajillion pieces after Marbo punched him in the gut.
*[[Horus]] is said to have killed [[Sanguinius]] because the Angel was tired from battle. That battle was losing an arm wrestling match with Sly Marbo.
*Sly Marbo could heal [[Roboute Guilliman]] and [[Lion El'Jonson]]. Experience has just taught him they won't be awesome enough to receive it.
*[[Lorgar]] is said to be on Sicarius communing with the [[Chaos Gods]]. He's really just trying to hide from Sly Marbo.
*[[Logan Grimnar]] once challenged Sly Marbo to a drinking contest. The Great Wolf fell into a coma trying to beat Marbo.
*[[Dante]]'s Death Mask curses anyone who looks at him. He's terrified of what will happen if he looks at Sly Marbo while wearing it.
*[[Eldrad]] takes everything into account when making a plan. Sly Marbo is the one unpredictable factor.
*Sly Marbo once banished an entire daemonic horde by giving it a mean look.
*Marbo once dueled an [[Eversor]] assassin in close combat, he managed to literally rip the assassin in half with his bare hands and end the fight in just 10 seconds flat.
*Whenever Marbo spits at someone, his spit turns into a plasma bolt. Whenever he fails his "Gets Hot" roll, the one he spat at explodes.
*Sly Marbo pisses melta fire.
*Marbo can be an Ultramarine, but hates them anyway, so he doesn't care.
*The [[Administratum]] once attempted to impose a higher tithe on Catachan. Sly Marbo was sent to deliver their counteroffer. The Administratum quickly lowered Catachan's tithe.
*A Miral land shark once tried to ambush Marbo like Straken, the land shark's teeth shattered and died the second after it bit Marbo.
*Sly Marbo makes Khorne Berzerkers take morale checks and makes them squeal like little girls when they see him.
*Marbo once defeated a Tzeentchian Lord of Change in a chess game.....with just 3 moves.
*[[Kaldor Draigo]] is actually Marbo is disguise, he just assumes this form to troll fa/tg/uys for fun.
*Sly Marbo is the reason the Emprah is on the Golden Throne.
*Marbo once killed a Hierophant bio-titan by bitch-slapping it in the face, he then killed the entire brood of Tyranids following it by ripping-off one of the dead Hierophant's scything talons and using it as his own melee weapon.
*[[Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka]] is said to have left the Third War for Armageddon because he got bored. He really left because he learned Sly Marbo was coming.
*Sly Marbo once cut himself to see what all the fuss was about. The resulting blood formed into [[Ollanius Pius]].
*Sly Marbo's sweat is what poison lines his weapon.
*Orks wear Gork and Mork pajamas. Gork and Mork wear Sly Marbo pajamas.
*Sly Marbo <s>sleeps</s> waits with a nightlight, not because he's scared of the Night Lords, but because the Night Lords are scared of Marbo.
*A Daemon Prince once saved a Cadian regiment from Necrons; the Guardsmen were baffled until they realized the daemon had been possessed by Sly Marbo.
*Sly Marbo can kick [[Sisters of Battle|a Bolter Bitch]] to the balls. CAN, but he wont...
*The Crimson Fists got their name after Sly Marbo played bloody knuckles with Pedro Kantor.
*Sly Marbo once took Moondrakken for a joyride. He brought it back with all the radio presets changed and the seat readjusted. Kor'sarro Khan didn't dare complain.
*The [[Salamanders]] hold that [[Vulkan]] will return when they collect all nine of his sacred artifacts. So far they've recovered five. Sly Marbo has not seen fit to return the other four.
*Marbo once ate a [[Deathstrike Missile Launcher]]. He thought it was bland.
*Sly Marbo once broke the battlements of Medrengard in an hour.
*Sly Marbo was once on a planet subjected to virus bombing. Sly Marbo's immune system killed the viruses before they infected him. And then his immune system killed everyone else on the planet.
*Sly Marbo once looked into the Eye of Terror. They say a Chaos God looked back at him. Sly then went into the Eye of Terror to beat it senseless for looking at him funny.
*Sly Marbo taught tactics to creed
*Sly Marbo can strangle you with a cordless Vox
*Sly Marbo is the GOD DAMN BATMAN!
*Sly Marbo will never, ever say "GO! Get to the Chopper" that's the kind of thing a neckbeard says.
*Sly Marbo has constipation issues, because he knows his feces could be used to track him in the field.
*Sly Marbo refused to be hidden in plain sight by CREED. He called Creed "A cheap mans Copperfield".
*Indrick Boreale once spoke Sly Marbo's name and the sheer awesomeness fixed his speech impediment.
*A greater Daemon once possessed Sly Marbo…No one knows what happened to it.
*Sly Marbo doesn't need meltabombs. He just pisses on a tank and it explodes.
*The Necrons went into stasis because Marbo was killing everything else.
*Any time a Farseer says "Just as planned", Marbo will be standing behind them with murder in his eyes.
*Marbo can murder with his eyeballs.
*Sly Marbo's favorite sandwich is a Catachan Barking Toad between two meltabombs.
*Kharn The Betrayer once fought Marbo. Kharn was found embedded in the hull of an orbiting starship. He took the defeat pretty well.
*Plasma weapons use a synthetic form of Marbo's testosterone. In it's natural state it is white-hot and obliterates everything it touches.
*Sly Marbo does not and never has owned a machete. That's just his arm hair.
*Sly Marbo once had intestinal parasites. Once he shat them out they became known as Catachan Devils.
*Marbo once allowed a Guard player to use his mini, the Necron player he fought wasn't allowed to take Reanimation Protocol rolls, the Tau player he fought got into melee and the Daemon player he fought tried and failed to dance An'ggrath around the map out of Marbo's reach.
*When the emperor was finally re-awoken, he rose and said, "I am the god emperor of mankind. Who dared to wake m- Oh...It is you my master."
*Slaanesh needs to masturbate every time Sly Marbo kills a [[Carnifex]]. Chaos Realm suffers chronic floodings.
*Sly Marbo stole the Blood Raven's home planet.
*Creed played chess with Tzeentch and won. Sly Marbo played chess with Chaos Undivided and it ended in a draw, but the four gods were so scared that they refused to play when Marbo asked for a rematch.
*Sly Marbo's internet seems slow. That's just because he's faster than it.
*Sly Marbo gives out a special rule... Feel MORE Pain.
*The Milkshake doesn't bring Sly Marbo to the yard, Sly Marbo was already there.
*Sly Marbo has no hair on his balls. Hair doesn't grow on steel.
*If you have five bucks, and Marbo has five bucks, Marbo has more money than you.
*You are only alive because Sly Marbo is too busy Stirring Coals with his Penis to kill you.
*Sly Marbo can drown a fish.
*Sly Marbo simply walks into Mordor.
*A Lictor once tried to ambush Sly Marbo while he was waiting; it did not expect Marbo to ambush it while ambushing him.
*The poisons on Marbo's rounds and knife is actually made from his sweat and it's the only poison that even Nurgle daemons cannot resist
*Marbo can seduce Slaaneshi Daemonettes at will, he beheads them afterwards.
*After Sly Marbo killed a Tyranid swarm out of boredom, the Swarmlord was deployed to kill Marbo. After six months of trying (and dying), the Swarmlord finally gave up and stopped reincarnating
*Sly Marbo’s testicles are of such might they ignore armor saves in close combat
*The only reason Sly Marbo isn't a primarch is because it would be a demotion.
*Khorne used to have a gold pedestal just for Marbo's skull. He has since melted it down for something more useful.
*When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back. When Sly Marbo stares into the abyss, the abyss averts its eyes to the left.
*Sly Marbo bowls overhand.
*When Sly Marbo has to stitch up a deep gash, he doesn't use a needle and thread, he uses a tent spike and bailing wire.
*Trayzn's 'hood' is a neck brace. Marbo effortlessly sniffed out the real Trazyn and ripped his spine out. Trayzn still hasn't gotten it back.
*Sly Marbo is allowed to talk about Fight Club
*Sly Marbo once snuck up on [[Lucius]] the Eternal and slit his throat from behind. As Marbo allowed himself a satisfied smirk, Lucius immediately attempted to possess his body. What he saw inside Sly Marbo's mind drove Lucius irredeemably insane.
*Sly Marbo once got into a theological debate with [[Erebus]], and pointed out thirty-nine logical fallacies in the Book of Lorgar, which Erebus was unable to explain away. Unimpressed, Sly Marbo ripped off Erebus's arm and crippled him with it.
*During the Battle of Calth Roboute Guilliman ripped out [[Kor Phaeron]]'s heart. Upon reading this at the schola, Sly Marbo traveled back in time to the [[Horus Heresy]], where he ripped out Kor Phaeron's spine and beat Guilliman senseless with it.
*[[Huron Blackheart]] once lead the [[Red Corsairs]] in a raid on Catachan. Sly Marbo proceeded to raid the [[Maelstrom]] of everything in it. And by everything, we mean ''including'' the planets.
*[[Darnath Lysander]] once struck Sly Marbo with the "Hammer of Dorn". Not only did the Hammer break on impact with Marbo, but so did Lysander's storm shield, Terminator armor, and skull.
*Sly Marbo once hugged [[Typhus]]. Not only did he remain clean of disease, but his sweat infected the Destroyer Plague in Typhus's body. It would have killed him if Sly Marbo didn't beat Typhus to death with his own Manreaper first.
*The Adeptus Mechanicus once dug deep underground in an attempt to find a [[Necron]] tomb. They found Sly Marbo instead, ruining his power <s>nap</s> wait. By the end of the day the entire ''star system'' was devoid of all life.
*The Gellar field around Sly Marbo’s ship isn’t generated by the ship to keep the people on board safe from the warp. It’s generated by the warp to keep the demons safe from Sly Marbo.
*The Emperor might be able to walk on water but sly Marbo can swim through land
*Why did the Necrons really go into stasis? They all dug their own graves when they heard sly Marbo was coming.
*The reason Malal/Malice is no longer mentioned in Canon is because he ran afoul of Sly Marbo.
*The Outsider would actually really like to come back to our galaxy, except he knows Sly Marbo is waiting for him.
*When the space marines are in trouble the Legion of the Dammed come to their rescue. When the Legion of the Dammed is in trouble Sly Marbo arrives.
*Roboute Guilliman weeps every day in his stasis field for deep down he knows that he will never be Sly Marbo
*Contrary to popular belief Doombreed is not camera shy, it’s just that sly Marbo doesn’t know what he looks like, and Doombreed intends to keep it that way.
*Sly Marbo won a staring contest with Mephiston.
*Nemesis [[Dreadknights]] are believed to be ancient pieces of xenos tech; they're actually Sly Marbo's childhood toys.
*Marbo once broke an Eldar soulstone but Slaanesh got nothing because he grabbed the soul first. He's still got it on him.
*Contrary to popular belief, it is unknown if Sly Marbo is bulletproof. Whenever someone fires at him, the bullet/bolt/plasma/las/shuriken stops twenty centimeters from Marbo, turns 180 degrees, and hits the person who fired the shot.

==Gallery==
<gallery>
image:Sly Marbo.jpg| Mini in action.
</gallery>

[[Category:Imperial]]
[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]]

Codex Astartes

2012-12-12T02:52:22Z

71.166.4.30: /* Ranks */

<center> '' The Codex Astartes is a set of rules. They guide us....shape us as Ultramarines...teach us how to hold duty and honor sacred above all.'' '''''But how we live with those rules is the true test of a Space Marine...'''''
 -[[Captain Titus]], [[Ultramarines]] 2nd Company</center>

The Codex Astartes was written by [[Roboute Guilliman]] shortly after the [[Horus Heresy]]; among other things, its suggested organizational scheme split the remaining [[Space Marine]] Legions into small, manageable chunks. It also includes tactical doctrines for just about every situation, like the formidable [[Steel Rain]]. Most loyalist Space Marines follow the Codex Astartes to varying degrees. The [[Ultramarines]] and their successors follow it like holy writ, while the [[Space Wolves]] only find it useful for toilet paper.

==Chapters==
Under the Codex Astartes, the Space Marine legions were to be split into one thousand-strong Chapters (often already a subunit within some pre-Heresy legions like the Blood Angels, Dark Angels, Salamanders, Ultramarines, and Word Bearers) composed of ten companies. The 1st Company is composed of Veterans, and are the only company in the chapter to employ [[Terminator]] armor.

The 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th Companies are called Battle Companies, composed of six Tactical Squads, two Devastator Squads, and two Assault Squads. They train together, and when a Space Marine Company deploys as a single unit, it will be one of these.

The 6th, 7th, 8th, and 9th Companies are the reserve squads, and are more specialized than the first five companies. The 6th and 7th Companies are composed entirely of Tactical Marines (who specialize in using bikes and Land Speeders, respectively), the 8th Company of Assault Marines, and the 9th Company entirely of Devastator Marines.

The 10th Company is composed entirely of Scout Marines, who are eventually promoted to other companies after a certain number of years.

Of course, one thousand Marines assumes ten Companies, with ten Squads, with ten Marines, and nothing more. But, including vehicle crews, Librarians, Techmarines, Chaplains, Company Command Squads, Apothecaries, and other support personnel, it turns out that a Chapter with a full roster will have something like 1,500 Marines plus who knows how many unaugmented human serfs and Auxilia.

==Marine roles==

Among the tenets of the Codex, Guilliman outlined the roles of various Marines to be used in Chapters. They include the follow:

*'''Scout''': Scout Marines are Neophyte Space Marines who are charged with scouting terrain and enemy positions. A risky job, but if they're killed, the enemy probably did the Chapter a favor by killing them so quickly.

*'''Devastator''': Devastator Marines can be summed up in three words: Blow shit up. The purpose of the Devastator is to provide heavy weapons fire in battle, artillery strikes, and hunting tanks. Once a Scout earns his Black Carapace and Power Armor, he will be attached to a Devastator Squad, allowing him to bond with his armor while learning its strengths lugging heavy weapons around.

*'''Assault''': Assault Marines are those who specialize in melee combat, using [[Chainsword|Chain]] and [[Power weapon]]s alike to fuck up the enemies of the [[Imperium of Man]]. In addition, they also possess jump packs which can allow them limited flight.

*'''Tactical''': The backbone of a Battle Company, Tactical Marines are those who are flexible in combat, relying on both ranged weapons and melee weapons in combat. Note that due to the order of the Companies, they usually have served as both Assault and Devastator Marines, so they definitely know the basics of both.

*'''Veteran''': Veteran Marines are those who have seen through several centuries, allowing them all the cool toys in the Chapter's armory. Most chapter veterans get to wear [[Terminator]] armor, but they sometimes stay with normally-sized power armor instead, which is instead slowly turned into Artificer armor by all the bling. Veterans are divided into two subgroups: Vanguard (who focus on close quarters combat) and Sternguard (who focus on heavy weaponry).

==Ranks==

The Codex Astartes formalized and simplified the ranks among the Adeptus Astartes, eliminating some ranks like "commander" and "lieutenant", while adding some more. They include:

*'''Chapter Master''': The grand poobah of the Chapter. He is the one who gives Marine companies their assignments, and ultimately recognizes no external authority save for the [[God-Emperor of Mankind]].

*'''Captain''': Captains are the commanders of Companies, overseeing their Marines from the front line instead of the back. Captains are usually promoted from the senior Sergeant in the Company. The most senior is the First Captain, who commands the Veteran 1st Company, and is often the official heir apparent to the Chapter Master. Each Company Captain also holds a Chapter-level position of authority, supervising his Chapter's fleet, vehicle pool, recruits, or territory, for example.

*'''Sergeant''': Sergeants lead squads of four to nine other Marines. There can be anywhere from ten to twenty Sergeants in a Company. Often, the senior most sergeant will be given the post of Veteran Sergeant, and placed in a Command Squad with the Captain, Company Champion, Standard Bearer, and Apothecary.

*'''Champion''': The best close quarters fighter in a company, the Company Champion is charged with protection of the Captain from all hostile threats. Given that your average Captain is a badass in power armor, this may seem redundant, but it's supposed to allow him to focus on coordinating the battle. Almost always part of a Command Squad. The most elite of these is the Chapter Champion, who is charged with protecting the Chapter Master.

*'''Standard Bearer''': The Company Standard Bearer, given the title of Ancient, is charged with carrying and protecting the Company Standard, or banner. Also frequently joins the Command Squad. Should a Company Standard Bearer drop the banner and let it fall to the ground, he will essentially forfeit his honor. If the Standard Bearer should be killed and the banner stolen, then the entire Company will be dishonored until the banner is reclaimed. Which means that if you steal a Company Standard, you now have nearly one hundred Space Marines who were just trying to kill you, but now you had to go and make it personal. The most elite of these is the Chapter Standard Bearer, who carries the Chapter banner in war.

Outside of the above mentioned battle ranks, there are other senior positions within a Chapter:

*'''Chief Librarian''': The head of the Librarium, who assigns [[Librarian]]s to assist in battlefield communications. Also test to see if battle-brothers are tainted by [[Chaos]] or not.

*'''Master of the Apothecarion''': The head of the Apothecarion, who assigns an [[Apothecary]] to each Company. The Apothecarion in turn also takes care of the [[gene-seed]] that Chapters place such holy emphasis on, and for good reason: no gene-seed - no new recruits.

*'''Master of the Forge''': The head of the Armoury, who assigns [[Techmarine]]s to oversee maintenance of the machine-spirits of wargear.

*'''Master of Sanctity''': The head of the Chaplaincy, and spiritual leader of the Chapter. He assigns [[Chaplain]]s to the Companies to oversee the spiritual health of the Chapter.

==Dubious helpfulness of the Codex==

While the Codex Astartes has a few good points on how Space Marines should fight, it contains a truckload of a lot of bad points on even how an army should be. Due to Guilliman's unending paranoia over the fact that none of his brothers are possibly loyal anymore (and to cover up on how fucking useless he was during most of the Horus Heresy), he made it so that he ruined the Space Marines entirely, [[Matt Ward|which in comparison is oddly prophetic to this man who worked on the Space Marine Codex and butchered it with Ultramarine fanboyism]].

One fatal flaw of the Codex is the splitting up of the legions and maintaining a maximum of 1000 battle brothers at any given time, this made the Space Marines even more of a fragmented force concerned with their own agendas than a unified fighting force <s>along with making it longer for them to rebuild and reform whenever they sustain heavy casualties after a major campaign</s> that can only deploy half of its forces at a given time except in the gravest emergencies.

''This is disputable. The original Legiones Astartes, while the most dangerous forces assembled since the War in Heaven, would have a far too centralized leadership to be effectively deployed across a galaxy-spanning Imperium with thousands of conflicts that needed Astartes support. Furthermore a Battle Company or less would likely be more than enough for most campaigns. But wait, you might exclaim, what about wars that DO require a Legion level deployment. Well, with the exception of the First War for Armageddon and the First Tyrannic War, Legion sized forces were present at those conflicts albeit from various Chapters but with an unified theater-exclusive command structure. Notably Dante and Logan Grimnar assumed such a role in the Second Armageddon Wars and the 13th Black Crusade respectively. While the Grand/Clan/Crusade Company system of non-codex Chapters offers a greater degree of flexibility in terms of galactic force projection, it leaves the individual non-Codex Companies much more vulnerable to the debilitation of heavy casualties. As a whole though, Codex Astarte does not structurally hamstring its adhering Chapters. The character of the Chapter does that.''

The other flaw was turning each chapter into a generic army using a different name. The Codex Astartes details specifically how a Space Marine should act in every combat situation that [[Roboute Guilliman]] had encountered. While this does give Marines a good idea on how to act when they're staring down a Chaos warband or a marauding pack of Flesh Hounds, this makes them far too predictable for those who have faced the Space Marines for a long time. As Sun Tzu said, ''"Do not face your opponent too many times or you will reveal your art of war;"'' ''(Any body else find it ironic that Sun Tzu, a notoriously proverb-y text of what to do in any given situation, is invoked to denounce the Codex?)'', given that Guilliman expect Space Marines to be the same thing, except for their colors and whatever the scream at their enemies to be different, the enemies of man will basically be expecting the same thing again and again. Because of this an intelligent and experienced opponent with enough dakka to survive one encounter with a Codex Chapter will quickly realize how to deal with any Marine force strictly adhering to the Codex Astartes' tactics. This fault is compounded by the fact that the Codex has no information on threats encountered after Guilliman's time. The [[Ultramarines]] experienced this personally when they got their asses beaten hard when they faced the [[Tyranid]] incursion in their sector for the first time, numerous encounters with Necrons that ended hilariously poorly for them, the Ultramarines getting their asses kicked by the [[Tau]], and when one of their Captains developed a novel set of tactics for dealing with the Tyranids (successfully), he was punished for deviating from the Codex! It should also be noted that their [[Chaos Space Marines|greatest enemy]] are comprised almost entirely of <s>former Loyalists</s> millennia old veterans who are familiar with the tactics and approaches listed within the Codex Astares, so it's a wonder the Ultramarines ever survive in combat against Renegades.

Compare this to chapters who follow their own standard operating procedures, like the [[Space Wolves]] and [[Black Templars]], and those who do not fully embrace all of the tactical doctrines of the Codex, like the [[Dark Angels]] and [[Blood Angels]]: they and their successors have a much more extensive list of victories, and a shorter list of failures. Consider the Damocles Crusade, wherein the Ultramarines failed to beat up the Tau for years due to their unfamiliar nature, while the independent Black Templars had much better luck. As in all matters, moderation is key: Guilliman was no fool, but he was not omniscient, either.

This is precisely why [[Captain Titus]] (who was ironically an Ultramarine himself) said Matt Ward can go fuck himself with all that spiritual liege bullshit, and that Space Marines are at their best when they mix the Codex's advice with the ability to think for their own damn selves. [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OaHJgzxmyj0 But here is what he really thinks of the Codex Astartes and Leandros]

Worse than that, ''even Guilliman himself'' said the Codex could not supplant brains.

==Boundless Amusement==

[[Captain Titus]] of the Ultramarines in the recent [[Warhammer 40,000: Space Marine|SPESS MEHREEN]] game, tells young Leandros that the Codex is not always a good thing to follow literally.

The usefulness of the Codex Astartes is also a major theme in [[Graham McNeill]]'s ''Ultramarines'' novel series. When [[Uriel Ventris]] is on trial for violating the Codex, First Captain Severus Aggeman comes and confides in him, saying that while his decisions made sense, the Ultramarines must stick to the letter and spirit of the Codex, as the Codex Astartes is not how to be a good Space Marine, it's about how to be a ''loyal'' Space Marine. This makes a lot of sense in hindsight, as the [[Imperium of Man]]'s average response to free thinking is to start screaming incoherently and beat the free thinker to death, but we digress. By the end of the series, [[Marneus Calgar]] is admitting that blindly following the Codex might be costing them in the war with [[M'kar]] and [[Honsou]], who in particular knows how the Ultramarines will react due to their adherence to the Codex.

==Codex Astartes, as according to [[Matt Ward]]==
{{MattWard}}

The Codex Astartes was written by the greatest of Space Marines, <s>Matt Ward</s> [[Roboute Guilliman]], shortly after the [[Horus Heresy]]. It includes unbeatable tactical doctrines for just about every situation. All but [[Black Templars|the]] [[Raven Guard|most]] [[Blood Angels|despicable]] of Space Marines follow the Codex Astartes as much as they can. The [[Ultramarines]] and their successors follow it like holy writ, and as a result are the best fighters in the galaxy, while the [[Space Wolves]], the freaks of the Spare Marine factions, barely use it at all.

The Codex is flawless and infallible, and even many non-human races aspire to its word.

Bollocks.

Nay my friend, this be Heresy.

{{Marines-Codex}}
[[Category:Space Marines]] [[category:Warhammer 40,000]] [[Category:Imperial]]