Editing Dwarf

[[Image:Tordek.jpg|thumb|200px|right|Fig. 1.1  A dwarf.  Note the prominent beard, the ornate axe, and the helmet covering everything above the ears.]]

''This page depicts dwarves as /tg/ [[meme]]s them. For a factual look at dwarves, see [[Dwarf (Facts)]].''

A '''Dwarf''' (or more properly, Dorf) is a short guy who is made of muscle and beard and alcohol and awesome. No member of dwarf society can function without alcohol. Even their infants are made to chug a whole keg of ale down before Mommy ever lets the baby near her nipples (although, given the liquor intake of the average dwarven mother, she probably lactates eggnog). They like to live in [[Dwarf Fortress|fortresses]]. Dwarf characters should have one or a combination of the words "beer", "beard", "bronze", "stone", "Urist", "Mc/Mac", "iron", "hammer", or "axe" in their names. A good example would be Hammer McShieldbearded.

==Dwarven Physiology==
Dwarves typically consist of seventeen main organs: The beard (yes, female dwarves have these too), the boozehole, the gratuitous Celtic accent, 13 livers and an axe. Many outsiders erroneously dismiss a dwarf's axe as an implement of the most common trade, but recent experiments probing into dwarven society (and consuming dwarven booze) have revealed that it is in fact a rare biological example of a fully detachable organ.

The beard is used primarily for attracting mates, and probably something to do with converting argon gas into vitamin C. I mean, these guys live on mead and rocks, so they gotta get antioxidants somehow, right? We'll just go with that. The only notable thing to remember about dwarf beards is that when a pansy human and a dwarf argue over whether or not shaved chicks are better, they're probably not on the same page. The thirteen livers do the same thing as a human liver, just thirteen times better (equaling 169 times the alcohol). Maybe other shit, too, but dwarves don't have time for boring biology crap. Moving on. Boozeholes are for booze. There's other shit you can throw in there too, but those things mostly just act like a sponge, hampering the booze-absorption process. If a particularly whiny dwarf feels the need to "not starve to death," he can fill his empty boozehole with some nice non-porous rocks, or maybe a stack of five wine and rendered fat biscuits if he's really desperate. The accent is used for interrace relations, since dorfs typically spice up their sentences with foul swears and oaths the incomprehensibility of the accent is the only reason a dorf-notdorf alliance was ever made.

==Dwarven Mating Practices== 
The dwarven male touches the female and promptly impregnate them. She then immediately falls in love with the dwarf male (love was originally something created for record keeping but has evolved into the ability to share one's room) and has a baby nine months later. Then the baby dies on a goblin's -copper spear-

Dwarfs do not [[half-dwarf|interbreed]] with the other races.  Dwarf sperm is too corrosive to fertilize any woman that doesn't have +4 save vs. poison, and dwarven wombs don't even acknowledge the weak spoor of even the most fecund of human gigolos.  The only [[half-dwarf]] is a bisected dwarf, likely from an unfortunate axeident.

==Dwarven Society==
Dwarven cities, called "fortresses", are underground. Now, we're not talking nice little hillside retreats full of plenty of free cake and fat, chain-smoking midgets. I'm looking at you, "Ring Bearer." No, dwarves live in mountains they carve out themselves with their bare fucking hands. I kid you not. Those *copper picks* are purely status symbols.

Your average dwarf spends his free time wishing he had more to do or, ideally, has no free time. If a dwarf ain't busy building something huge, epically awesome and dwarfy, he ain't happy. Idleness in dwarves has been medically proven to result in depression, erectile dysfunction, chronic sobriety, facial pattern baldness and [[elves|pointy ears]].

Other honorable pursuits among dwarves include digging, metalworking, stoneworking, brewing booze, killing goblins, killing kobolds, thinking of new ways to kill giants, tragically neglecting safety protocol when visited by elven liaisons, swindling gullible elves and humans, and drinking contests.

Dwarven politics are a funny thing, even if they are obviously superior to all that sissy tall people "let's talk about our problems" bullshit. Upon visiting a [[Dwarf Fortress|dwarven stronghold]], you will notice a perhaps disproportionate number of dwarves running around draped in purple velvet and pimpin' bling. Absolutely fucking useless.

No, if you want to find the guy in charge, whip out your measuring stick, 'cause the largest beard you come across is likely attached to the boozehole giving the orders. The owners of these beautiful, shaggy neck blankets often go for bonus points by decking out their beards with thick braids and two-ton cast iron phallic symbols and whatever else their presumably dwarfy square jaws can support. If you need a question answered, these are the guys who'll tell you "no, fuck you, we're doing it my way."

==Dwarven Religion==
[[File:4e Female Dwarf Cleric Concept.jpg|300px|thumb|right|A dwarven cleric wearing a dangerously small amount of armor.]]
In a time before time, the god of blood ([[Khorne|no, not that one... at least probably not]]) created the universe on a colossal anvil, and then molded the first dwarves with earth, blood, and magma. He also molded the other races out of mud and dust, but he was less than pleased with them. Then He sat back, and as the universe grew older and more peaceful, He grew bored.

He called his children around Him, and said. "Dwarves. This universe grows boring. I will remake it on the forge of creation, unless it becomes less boring"

The dwarves were obviously terrified. And then Urist, the firstborn and the bravest of them, had an idea. He asked His god how could they possibly make the universe less boring for Him.

So He gave His chosen people, the dwarves, their holy mission: to make this world a world of everlasting conflict, so He may escape divine boredom. He gave them their tools of war : the axe, the hammer, the floodgate and the lever, so they may shed blood and magma in His name.

Dwarves worship the stone and earth that surrounds them. Each strike of the pick is a psalm, and each tunnel is a sacrament, and the miner is the dwarves's priest.

Dwarves worship the fiery magma that they were made of. Magma is a purifying force and therefore they pour it on [[elf|elves]], kobolds, goblins and other less worthy creatures.

Dwarves also worship blood, as one of the elements of life, and shed the blood of lesser creatures because it pleases Him, else the universe will be set upon the anvil of creation to be reforged.

Everything a dwarf does is to please their god of blood.

The song of the pick and of the battle axe is music to His ears. The magma-charred corpse of an elf is food to His hunger. The spilled lifeblood of goblins is drink for His insatiable thirst.

PRAISE ARMOK! BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!

==Dwarven Flaws==
Many people, particularly on /tg/, have no problem whining about elves being gay, nature-loving, Mary Sues, but they forget Dwarves have problems too.  In nearly every depiction of them, dwarves are greedy, unforgiving, racist hypocrites (Not an argument you pathetic Pansy Elf lovers) who lie about their history (they omit mistakes and people they're ashamed of from it) and fear innovation (Dwarves in [[Warhammer Fantasy|some fictional universes]] practically consider "progress" and "change" to be dirty words).  They're also emotionally weak; if a human or an elf fails at something, they usually get back up and try again.  If a Dwarf fails at something, they get [[Butthurt|depressed]] and never try again and get drunk. Worse, they may get obsessed and turn deathseeker over it, inevitably dragging countless others into a long, tragic saga over a relatively trivial matter. 

Finally, Dwarves also have an annoying tendency to brag about being an "Elder Race" and demanding respect for it, yet Dwarves show no respect to races older and more long-lived than they are, such as Elves (Which is strange, since they always complain about these traits in other races, such as the [[Eldar]]).

==Dwarven Diplomacy==
Dwarves are said to lean mostly toward the Lawful Good alignment. In practice, this essentially means that they prefer to swindle other good-aligned creatures, spit on neutral creatures for being pansies, and kill anything that annoys them enough to be labeled "evil," but only after swindling and/or spitting on them. As of this writing, all sentient beings and most species of tree have been classified by the Dwarven Diplomacy Board as members of the last category (except humans; usually because most humans are sufficiently awed by Dwarfish technology to respect them, other humans are usually smart enough not to provoke Dwarves, and those that aren't are quickly killed off by the Dwarves).

Basically dwarves let their axes (and Celtic accents) talk for them. Fuckin' hardcore sons of bitches, they are.

==Historical comparison==
'''On the whole Dwarves across fiction tend to have the following tendencies...'''
'''Unless they are from BioWare, in which case they are enourmous faggots'''
* Are typically employed in metal related artisanry rather than as agricultural workers
** Additionally in fantasy settings with technology on higher level (warhammer fantasy is a good example) Dwarves are typically the ones with the most advanced. If any one has gun powder, they do. 
* Tend to live in tightly-knit relatively insular communities and have interconnected extended families.
* Despite that, these communities work in conjunction and are dependent on other peoples (ale is made from barley, which - like all plants - tends not to grow well at the bottom of a mine without sunlight) which generally outnumber them, trading their metalworks and other products in exchange for food.
* While they can speak the languages of others that surround them quite well, they usually use their own language amongst themselves
* Are conservative (in that their society is the way that they like it, thank you very much, and seldom change it, if ever)
* Tend to put a great amount of emphasis on the written word
* Often have their communities come under assault by [[Orc|stupid brutish morons]]
* Grow long beards (depending on the universe, women included)
* Generally are a declining race having suffered some disaster at their golden age and are slowly dying off.

As such, if one thinks in terms of historical analogues, Dwarves come across as early Germanics, Australians and, in a more [[Tolkien]]-influenced work, Jews. Tolkien said that his "dwarves of course are quite obviously - wouldn't you say that in many ways they remind you of the Jews? Their words are Semitic obviously, constructed to be Semitic." The comparison was largely a stylistic choice - semitic languages are quite different in structure from Indo-European languages (being a linguist, he put a lot of thought into his made-up languages), while thematically, the loss of Erebor and the exile of Thorin's people resembled the plight of the post-Roman Jewish diaspora. Of course, some people suggest that the real reason for the comparison was racist in nature - both dwarves and the stereotype of Jews are that they're greedy. Tolkien however made it a point that his characters, while just as fallible as any other human being, were ultimately heroic and honorable.

On the other hand, much of Dwarven culture, like most aspects of Tolkien's major races, derives from early Germanic culture - Tolkien's Dwarves are even named after Dwarves from Norse mythology; nearly all dwarven names come directly from the Norse Eddas. In many fantasy universes, they tend to ape Scandinavian culture much more directly, which is fitting, considering the mythology they come from. [[Warhammer Fantasy|Even if there are already]] [[Warriors of Chaos|Scandinavian]] [[Warhammer Fantasy|people in the setting]]. 

Another common historical analogue are Celts, in particular Scots, living in clans, in the mountains, full of berserker rage when angered, hospitable when not, gruff, wear horned helmets, are drunkards, short, grippy with money, brew the strongest ales, skilled artificers and usually starters of anything remotely resembling industrialization, are fond of Celtic knotwork and of course speak in Scottish accents like many depictions of dwarves.

Of note is is the spelling: Dwarves VS Dwarfs. when in doubt, look for how it's used in the setting involved. Nearly everyone uses the first spelling when regarding the fantasy creature. The Dwarfs variation is mainly used in astronomy, biology (dwarfism), the Snow White animation movie, and the [[Warhammer_Fantasy_Battle|WFB]] race. The latter is actually the original, more common version. Tolkien viewed 'dwarfs' rather unsightly, and coined 'dwarves' (paralleling elf-> elves, and wolf -> wolves. Related: milf -> milves). Usually, Dwarf is the singular, Dwarves is the plural. 

The most common name for a dwarf on /tg/, however, is Dorf (plural: Dorfz), which results from psudophonetics, as do many /tg/ related words and [[meme]]s.

==See Also==
* [[Unified_Setting/Dwarf]]
* [[Dwarfs (Warhammer Fantasy)]]
* [[Dwarf Fortress]]
* [[Squat]]

==Gallery==
<gallery>
Image:Ironbeard_dwarfbreath.JPG|Dwarves will build elaborate floodgates and use them as weapons, even as their clothes rot from their bodies. 
Image:KHALID_OAKDICK.jpg|KHALID OAKDICK, BEARDKING OF THE KINGBEARD CLAN!
Image:-Neanderthal-Comparison-2.jpg|Hilariously scientists say that the Homo Neanderthals were the fore-fathers of the concept of the Dwarves, and they rightfully look like one too...God-bless our extinct stone-age brethren. 
</gallery>

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[[Category:Dwarf Fortress]][[Category:Dwarves]]