Editing Eldrad

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[[Image:450px-EldradThroneworld.jpg|thumb|right|350px|Helmetless Eldrad, looking suspiciously like Mon'Keigh actor Hugo Weaving. What are the odds? 5 to 1 that GW gets sued again in the near future.]]
'''Eldrad Ulthran''' is renowned as the most powerful and far-sighted [[psyker]] of the [[Eldar]] race, and '''was''' the Chief [[Farseer]] of [[Craftworld]] [[Craftworld Ulthwé|Ulthwé]]. He is awfully fond of engaging in overly elaborate plots to tweak the balance of fate, presumably to preserve the Eldar as a species. Also, he engages in only the highest forms of [[dick]]ishness, as the accounts from one of his retinue warlocks attest. Possibly father to Farseers [[Taldeer]] and [[Macha]]. [[Love Can Bloom]] is ambiguous on the matter, but current [[/tg/]] canon operates on the assumption that he is. Basically Spock's dad Sarek from Star Trek.

Some time ago, [[Abaddon the Despoiler]] led an assault on Craftworld Ulthwé, to attack the Eldar Farseer Council there. After slowly slogging through the nearly deserted Craftworld while his [[Black Legion]] suffered massive casualties as the Eldar forces still present, picked them off in hit and run attacks, Abaddon finally got to the council's Dome but found Eldrad waiting for him. Eldrad quickly made a mockery of Abaddon's combat skill; he dodged Abaddon's strikes with the daemon sword [[Drach'nyen]] and the [[Talon of Horus]] with ease. In just two strikes, Eldrad cleaved through Abaddon's Terminator armor with virtually no effort and separated him from his arms (hah, I see what you did there). The Eldar then stuffed the remainder of the attack force into a [[Dreadclaw]] with "Failbaddon the Armless Failboat" as well as other demeaning terms and images painted all over it and launched it back into the [[Eye of Terror]] while laughing hysterically. And that is why Abaddon has no arms.

As of the 13th Black Crusade, Eldrad is getting more active. After stealing the crystallized bodies of Farseers from every Craftworld, he attempted to prematurely summon [[Ynnead]], the yet-to-be-born Eldar god of Death who would save them from [[Slaanesh]] before every single Eldar dies, which was when it was supposed to be born. [[Battle of Coheria|Just before the events that would lead into the events of 8th edition]] the [[Deathwatch]] intervened in the Battle of Port Demesnus, that had been orchestrated by Eldrad to distract everyone whilst he performed a great ritual upon a moon made of psychic crystal. [[Not As Planned|When the Deathwatch discovered what was going on]] they immediately made all haste to Eldrads location. Eldrad attempted to reason with the Marines, explaining that what he was doing would strike a devastating blow against the true enemy. The Marines, of course, refused to listen and promptly fucked the whole thing up (marking one of many times ''he himself was out-[[dick]]ed'' by Space Marines) whilst claiming that they would rather see the universe burn than trust Xeno scum. Said summoning ritual required the bodies of ''every'' Crystal Seer, and when the Ulthwe's Seer Council learned of it along with how he crystallized a couple more seers bringing the [[Ynnari]] to Ulthwe, only the intervention of the [[Harlequin]]s saved him from being executed on the spot. Instead, he was then was exiled from the Craftworld on pain of death if he returned. [[troll|Which he did to help them against Tzeentch's minions anyway!]]

Currently, a member of the Ynnari, although he travels separately from the main group, joining their quest to bring forth Ynnead in its full power with the Croneswords. He is one of the Eldar that guided the [[Black Crusade|survivors]] of [[Cadia]] on [[Kalisus]] to [[Macragge]] to resurrect [[Roboute Guilliman]]. In this way, the fates of two most prominent dicks in the galaxy intwined.

He used to be presumed dead, eaten by Slaanesh during the [[13th Black Crusade]]. [[Meme|He got better]] in 6th edition.

==History==

:''As every loyal member of the Imperium should already know, Eldrad’s life is basically one failure after another with very few and potentially accidental successes in-between. The Emperor is of course infallible and infinitely benevolent in all things; if only this foul abomination had just trusted the guy with tens of millennia more experience, knowledge and god-like wisdom. The Emperor would have of course welcomed him with open arms, so as to guide him and avoid his many, many mistakes. If only Eldrad had realized his natural state of subservience to humanity the grimdark wouldn’t have happened and the grateful Imperium would have of course been good to the Eldar due to Eldrad’s presence, securing a wonderful future for both species.'' - Imperial[[Blam| <s>Propaganda</s>]] Truth.

===Early Life===
{{topquote|No threat! The Emperor and the Farseer are known to each other. Though they long diverged from friendship, they are not yet opposed.|Lhaerial Rey- Shadowseer of the Ceaseless Song}}
   
The only thing known of Eldrad's life, before becoming trapped on the path of the Seer, was that he used to be a musician, and he apparently still has quite an ear for that kind of stuff. Although he is most well-known as the High Farseer of Ulthwe, he did not begin that way, and his time on the Seer Council of Ulthwe was a surprisingly volatile one. Eldrad was the one responsible for much of what the Path of the Seer would become (Runes and all). Eldrad would be introduced to the idea of the Path system by [[Asurmen]] and would apply these ideas to reform the Witch path into what we know it is today (the original seers were more like ancient soothsayers and mystics).   
*There was also a subtle hint in "The Throne World" that claimed that at some time in the past both Eldrad and the Emperor had been "friends". What form or how this friendship came about is unknown, but it is clear that by the time of the Heresy something *cough* '''Molech''' *cough* had brought their friendship to an end, even if their shared goals to fuck over Chaos still aligned, hence why Eldrad took steps to ensure that Vulkan could return to Terra as well as fucking up the Cabal's plans to get Horus to win. 

Whilst he served on the [[Seer Council]], but before actually becoming its High Farseer, there was a bizarre tendency for all of Eldrad's superiors to be conveniently (by fate or design, you decide) killed on missions, often just as a [[Phoenix Lord]] arrived. This occurred twice in the days before the Great Crusade, first when Eldrad and an older female Farseer journeyed with [[Asurmen]] to try to find a legendary Exodite Oracle. Said Oracle, believed to have been the first Eldar to ever foresee the Fall, turned out to be a Keeper of Secrets in disguise and, in the ensuing fight, killed Eldrad's superior. This pattern was repeated when Jain Zar visited the Craftworld, advising it against attacking a nascent Ork Waaagh, which the Crafworld's, at the time, most senior Farseer agreed with. Eldrad, however, wanted to attack and destroy said Waaagh (Mainly because Jain Zar's plan was to make sure this Ork Waaagh ended up destroying Ulthwe, so as to prevent an even bigger disaster later on; Eldrad disagreed), convincing the Craftworld to follow him and rousing the [[Avatar of Khaine]]. Despite all this the attack was a total failure, with the High Farseer dying, the Avatar of Khaine being destroyed (in one of its earliest defeats) and Eldrad himself almost being killed. Discovering that the presence of the Phoenix Lord was what was reshaping the strands of fate to bring about Ulthwe's destruction, Eldrad moved to sacrifice himself to prevent it. He gave Jain Zar an ultimatum, she could continue on her chosen path and see him dead, or she could choose to trust in the path he would forge for the Eldar. In the end, it was only because Jain Zar changed her mind and decided to believe in Eldrad that she moved to intervene. In the aftermath, though, despite his colossal cock-up (the first of a career of failures; to be fair the plan was working until the mere presence of Jain Zar started twisting fate to suit her goals; Phoenix Lords are fucking freaky like that), Eldrad's arrogance continued to rub Jain Zar the wrong way, and he refused to allow the former High Farseer's Spirit Stone into the [[Infinity Circuit]], deciding he could make better use of it personally (which probably means it just got chucked into his big collection of tokens).

*In a strange case of "Just as planned" this apparent failure, actually turns out to be a complete success. Despite the lives lost, Eldrads actions ultimately destroyed two Ork Waaagh's, whilst also preventing the inter-Craftworld wars that would have brought about a far greater loss of life. What at first glance looked like an utter failure not only saved countless Eldar and non-Eldar lives but also reserved him a seat at the big table for the Rhana Dandra. Which only goes to prove that in order to be the hero sometimes you have to be a dick. Or have Jain Zar bail you out.

Were these simple coincidences or Eldrad's way of conniving his way to the top by ensuring his superiors all met with tragic fates? The answer to that probably depends on how much of a dick, and how competent, you think Eldrad is, although it is true that one skill he certainly has is getting other Eldar killed, in many ways Eldrad is the most successful murderer of Eldar since Slaanesh. But then again, he is a dick.

*In his defence, to make an omelette you gotta break some eggs (as the Mon'Keigh saying goes) and while Eldrad's bodycount is frighteningly high, most of his actions have prevented even greater loss of Eldar lives further down the path even as they guaranteed the deaths of many. Farseeing and reading the future isn't an exact science nor does it guarantee there is a bloodless path/one can be found out of every situation, assuming the one attempting the reading interprets the vision correctly. Even Big.E cannot discern the future with perfect clarity despite being vastly more powerful and experienced than Eldrad (or any other psyker). He still is a dick though, double so considering his actions tend to come at even higher cost to the 'lesser' races as they do to his own.

===Horus Heresy and later===

After ascending to the position of High Farseer Eldrad would try to interfere in the course of the Horus Heresy a few times, rarely to much success. First he attempted to warn [[Fulgrim]] of [[Horus]]' corruption but failed, costing the life of one of Ulthwe's greatest Wraithlords and his friend, and also seeing the Avatar of Khaine slain, yet again, on his watch when Fulgrim [[Wat|throttled]] it (one assumes that Ulthwe's Seer Council has become a bit suspect about letting Eldrad use the Avatar since he seems to always come back with it broken). After this, he became pretty unpopular with both Ulthwe and the Cabal alligned part of the Eldar race, and decided to go solo to get things done. He aided John Grammaticus and Vulkan, making clear also that he opposed the plan of the [[Cabal]]. Said opposition went so far he even killed the entire Cabal eventually. Apparently, according to him, at some point he and Vulkan did something together (with Eldrad disguising himself as an old man representing Mount Deathfire to guide Vulkan towards Terra) which resulted in Vulkan giving him a Salamander's tooth, probably to join the huge collection of knick-knacks Eldrad has along with the former High Farseer's Spiritstone.

Following the Heresy Eldrad next interfered in the affairs of the Galaxy when he and the Seers of Ulthwe allowed a group of Harlequins to infiltrate the Imperial Palace during the height of the [[War of the Beast]]. It is not exactly clear what he hoped to gain from this, as the [[Harlequin]]s butchered the palace's mortal guards as a greeting and even managed to kill a good number of Custodians before they themselves were methodically cut down until only the Shadowseer remained, prostrate and wounded before the Eternity gate with a load of understandably pissed off Custodians. Her only message was to say that Chaos was the real threat and not to get distracted, whilst Orks were literally moments away from destroying Terra itself, so its not clear how any of this really helped anyone. Maybe he really wanted those Harlequins dead and this was... somehow... the best way to do it. Or the more plausible theory; Eldrad is just really bad at getting things done.
*This said, even as the Harlequins danced through the Imperial palace Eldrad and the Ulthwe Seer Council did help out the defenders of Terra by calming a path through the Warp allowing the combined Imperial Fists successor fleet to reach Terra and help defeat the Ork forces.
*These events would also directly influence the two organisations who would go on to create the [[Ordo Malleus]], whose responsibility it is to investigate and destroy the physical manifestations of Chaos throughout the Imperium, and the [[Ordo Xenos]], that investigates and eliminates alien influence and plots against the Imperium (you can probably guess which one was more prepared to listen). Members of the [[Ordo Malleus]] and the [[Ordo Xenos]] have been known to "fraternize" with the Eldar, and along with members of the [[Illuminati]] (who are frequently involved on some level with the Eldar, in particular, the Harlequins. And just so happen to have members placed throughout all levels of the Imperium) have been allowed access to the  Black Library. Eldrad's actions not only created two of the main Ordos of the [[Inquisition]] but may have allowed Eldar affiliated humans to infiltrate to the very heart of the Imperium itself (take that [[Tzeentch]], let's see you top that "[[just as planned]]" plot twist).          

Since then Eldrad has been involved in a few events; he saved Saim-Hann from a Hrud infestation, tried to forewarn Iyanden of the invasion of the [[Hive Fleet Kraken|Tyranids]], defeated the Ork Warboss [[Nazdreg Ug Urdgrub]] and also took part in the battle of Blood and Tears. He seemed particularly invested in the small Craftworld of [[Idharae]], engineering the entire 2nd War of Armageddon to save said Craftworld, although it amounted to nothing in the end as the Invaders Space Marine Chapter simply destroyed Idharae instead. So much for that. 

Indeed Eldrad has a poor reputation when facing off against Space Marines (but that's true of everyone), beginning with his battle against Fulgrim. On Maedrax the Ulthwe forces under his direction were mauled by a single Blood Angels Battle Barge and failed in their mission to stop an awakening Necron Dynasty. In fact, if you were to believe the mountain of Space Marine bolter porn that gets released by GW, you might come to believe that Eldrad (and everyone else for that matter) has, in over ten thousand years, never won a single battle against any Space Marines. This of course is not true as his humiliation of Abaddon in single combat will attest (but then again he is also a memetastic failure himself, so maybe it cancels it out). He has had more luck when working with Space Marines, such as when he interfered to save Blood Angels Chief Librarian Mephiston.

===Gathering Storm===

In many ways it was Eldrad, along with Abaddon, who started the whole set of events which have lead to the changes beginning in the Gathering Storm. Showcasing his extreme level of dickishness Eldrad stole Crystal Seers (remains of past Seers, which ''obviously'' contain a lot of psychic fuel to awaken a god) from every single Craftworld and endangered the entire Eldar species in an abortive attempt to awaken [[Ynnead]] which failed when [[Deathwatch]] Captain Artemis intervened and defeated him and his Harlequin associates. Whilst Eldrad's full attention was focused on maintaining the energy required to birth a god, he took a dreadnought's plasma cannon to the face. Subconsciously diverting a tiny amount of energy to protect himself proved to be enough to cause the ritual to collapse, and the moon to explode. Ynnead awakened, but only at [[Yncarne|a fraction of its full power]], choosing [[Yvraine]] as its first servant, and beginning the entire Fracture of Biel-tan storyline. 

Since his act of incredible treason caused the Craftworld to declare that Eldrad had interfered with fate one time too many, Eldrad has been involved in aiding the Ynnari. He has also been removed from the Seer Council of Ulthwe as a part of his exile, instead now moving with a small roving group of followers, interfering where he sees fit and playing his role in the alliance (that he himself proposed) by aiding the besieged Imperial forces all across the galaxy, and by taking up missions from the Primarch [[Roboute Guilliman]] when requested. His dedication to helping out his new allies in the Imperium goes so far that he even directly defies his peers in the Black Library to rather do as Roboute wishes. He did return to aid his home when it was invaded by [[Kairos Fateweaver]] though, assisting them in banishing an attempt by Daemons of Tzeentch to attack the Craftworld.

==Explanation==
Where did Eldrad’s reputation for being such a dick come from?

He gives candy to young races.

And that candy will contain a slow-spreading gingivitis bacteria that will fester in the new race and slowly spread amongst their entire species. The gum pain will be considered a normal part of everyday life, and they will regularly take painkillers.

When the [[Tyranid|’Nids]] invade them in 3000 years, they too will be infected by the gingivitis disease—but they are mindless beasts, who know nothing of painkillers. Living in constant pain, only worsened by eating, this massive hive of ’Nids will starve and become extinct, a result of their own adaptation abilities.

And of course, Craftworld Ulthwé would have been the next target for that particular hive to eat. [[Just as planned|Just. As. Planned.]]

And that is why Eldrad is a dick. [[Asdrubael Vect|There is only one mortal being in 40k who is a bigger dick than Eldrad]].

Because unlike the failures the Eldar represent, Human Epitomes of dickery are either [[Emperor| rotting deities]] [[Perturabo|or]] [[Fulgrim|various]] [[Mortarion|assortment]] [[Sindri|of]] [[Kyras|daemons]].

Many [[Tales of Eldrad Ulthuan, the Dick]].

==The Stories==
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[[Image:Eldrad_Ulthran_6th_Ed.jpg|thumb|right|Mountain of psychic rape.]]
So, Eldrad Ulthran is a dick. It seems shocking to hear and I know he is the guiding light of our people, but in all honesty, he's a total dick.

I know this because I served with him. You see, I am a Warlock. You can imagine my excitement when I was first assigned to his retinue. I took no heed to the fact his last set of Warlocks supposedly died in "a most ironic manner". I was young back then, only over 9000, and naive.

As soon as I met Eldrad in person he gave me my first order: "find a howling banshee exarch, and a witch blade for yourself, we are going to Setrus Prime (as the mon-keigh call it)." He actually said the parentheses by leaning forward and placing a hand beside his mouth to direct his voice to me alone. He is kind of a douche that way, we were in the room alone.

Anyway, Eldrad, the banshee exarch and I sortie to the planet's surface. I project some illusory cover to shield our hiding spot and the exarch and I await more orders. Before us a great battle is being waged between a force of the mon-keigh Space Marines and our fallen brethren, the Dark Eldar. About 20 minutes into the battle Eldrad points to a pebble by his foot and says "Move this small stone to where I am pointing now." He points to an innocuous patch of ground. Dumbfounded but trusting, I do as he says. No sooner had I reached cover did a Space Marine bike roar past me, straight over the pebble. The mighty treads of the bike's wheels fling the pebble up into an empty stretch of air. It hangs there for a moment, then a Dark Eldar reaver rushes into it, the pebble sucked into its jet intake. The reaver sputters then bursts into flames, accelerating rapidly, right into a Talos. The Talos was not of regular design, not that any ever are. This one was a mass of spinning blades with a screaming humanoid in its center, the body of which was too mutilated to even identify its race.

I might mention at this point that Eldrad has not turned to look at the ensuing chaos, instead he is staring in the direction of myself and our howling banshee companion.

When the reaver hit the talos, all hell broke loose as the twirling saws of the unsavory machine broke free like angry daemons being exorcised. I saw one blade, bouncing and racing directly towards us at ludicrous speeds. And I am an Eldar, I know speed. I brace my witch blade for the impact readying myself to take the blow, to save the farseer in my protection. The blades hit and both the saw and the witch blade veer off directly towards the banshee exarch. Both blades merely graze her, just deep enough to cut the restraints that hold her costume on. As her armour falls away exposing her breasts, I realize why Eldrad was staring at her. He giggles, then orders a full retreat.

What a dick.

----

So Eldrad is a huge dick, but I think I have proven that by now. What I haven't told you is that he is, without a doubt, the greatest psyker in the universe.

I never saw this more exemplified than when we went to deal with a splinter fleet of Hive Fleet Leviathan. The first thing Eldrad did was use his massive reservoir of power to redirect the entire hive fleet 0.3 degrees off course. At first we had no idea why, but he assured us there was a reason. 134 years later we encountered the swarm again, and now we saw his plan, the fleet was heading straight into a desolate backwater planet. Using yet more of his might, Eldrad hid the entire planet from the fleet's sight. This caused the entire hive fleet to crash square into the planet's surface. He then called for me and the rest of his retinue to sortie down to the planet, we had a mission.

Once on the surface the bleeding husks of charred hive ships loomed over us like cold organic volcanoes. And then in a clearing, we found our quarry, a mighty hive tyrant, its psychic eminence clouding my own mind like a thick whispering fog. Eldrad was not taken aback in the slightest, he stepped forward, unarmed, right into the clutches of the hive tyrant. He then began to emulate the hive tyrant's psychic powers, only at a much higher magnitude. He had made himself into a synapse creature of immense power. So much so he brow beat the mighty tyranid into submission. He then turned to us, tyranid leader in tow, and said, "We are returning, we have what we came for." Although impressed by Eldrad's mastery of the mind, we all could not stop pondering his master plan. Why would he need such a mighty beast? It was not till the next morning that I knew. Pasted throughout the ENTIRE CRAFTWORLD were pictures of the titanic monstrosity and its... titanic monstrosity resting on my face as I slept. I never even knew tyranids had genitalia.

What a dick.

----
[[Image:EldradWhataDick.jpg|thumb|left|400px|What a fucking dick.]]

You know, Eldrad Ulthran really is a dick. I've said it before, and I have absolutely no doubt that I will say it again. He has skill and power of heights that are only reachable, even for most Eldar, in their dreams, and how does he use them? He uses them like this:

Years ago, a minor Ork Waaagh sprung up and launched itself against the Mon-Keigh world they call Lentak II. It's an insignificant planet by any definition except, apparently, Eldrad's. He summoned me and told me we were going to Lentak, and that it was of the utmost importance to see that a certain battle took a particular course. He also told me to bring along the best sniper I could find, adding that "He might come in handy," with a wink like he was passing on some kind of secret message. Typical Eldrad behavior, that.

So, we get down to the surface of Lentak and locate the "important" battle, in a rocky pass high up in a mountain range. Eldrad isn't wearing his helmet, the better to display the horribly annoying half-smile that's on his face the whole time, the one he puts on when he knows something you don't and is about to use that information. I'm busy projecting an illusion to keep the Mon-Keigh and the Orks from noticing us, Eldrad and the sniper are just watching the battle from the rock outcrop where we're standing. Finally, Eldrad points at a particular Ork nob riding in the back of one of their wartrukks.

"That one. Take off his ear. His *left* ear. Right...now."

The sniper fires, cleanly severing the Ork's ear. The thing roars like the beast it is, looks around, and smacks the Ork beside it right off the back of the bouncing vehicle. The fallen Ork doesn't even have time to stop rolling before it gets run over by another Ork on a warbike; the bike nearly crashes, and one of the bombs sitting in a rack near the back bounces loose and falls to the ground. Eldrad looks at it, nods in satisfaction, and motions for us to leave.

Five of the Mon Keigh years pass. Five blessed, beloved years, in which I do not hear or see Eldrad a single time. I don't know where he was, or what he does when he's not busy being a dick; probably off seducing Tau or members of whatever other young race has caught his fancy recently. Anyway, those five years pass all too quickly, and then Eldrad comes back, contacts me, and tells me we're going back to Lentak II, just the two of us. This, of course, sets my teeth on edge, because I know he's going to do something unbearably dickish, but I can't exactly refuse the most important Farseer of my Craftworld.

Sure enough, we wind up back in that same mountain pass, watching a column of Imperial Guard troops march past. This time, we're down at roughly the same level as the guardsmen, but since there are only two of us, it's easy for me to project sufficient camouflage. Good thing, because Eldrad sure wasn't helping. I notice that the wreckage from the battle years ago hasn't been completely cleaned; some has been pushed up against the walls of the pass, some hasn't.

I belatedly remember the fallen bomb and start to look for it, but before I can spot it, a Chimera with a commissar riding in its open hatch finds it on its own. The explosion bounces the vehicle into the air, and the unsecured commissar goes flying. Shrapnel flies towards us and I dodge, rolling across the ground to avoid the splintered metal.

When I look up, I see Eldrad, standing with the sunrise behind him, posed like a statue with his head high and his fists on his hips. An instant later, the commissar's hat lands right on his head. And Eldrad, the dick, holds the pose and smirks at me. I almost dropped the illusion and let the mon-keigh kill us both, but then I realized Eldrad would probably have some way of escaping even that.

Never in my nearly twenty thousand years of life have I met a bigger dick than Eldrad Ulthran.

----

So, I've already told you about how Eldrad Ulthran is a dick. You've heard it all, all the sad stories... except, of course, you haven't, because Eldrad constantly generates more indignities to pile upon me. I thought he'd give me a break after the incident on Tissalk Secunda; he really went too far on that one, and after they finally stopped laughing, the rest of the expeditionary force were giving him some funny looks. I thought he wouldn't do anything else so soon. I was wrong.
[[Image:One just for the fatguys by Mr Culexus.jpg|thumb|What a dick!]]
With the Grey Ones rising again to wage war against all life, many of our priorities have been shifted to meet this resurgent threat. Thus, when Eldrad said he was working on a project and needed the body of a Necron warrior, everyone assumed he meant it was for research into some kind of weapon to use against them. Under any other circumstances, getting the order from Eldrad to gather a raiding group together would have filled me with fear that I was going to be the butt of another joke, but even Eldrad has to be serious where the ancient enemy is concerned... right?

Besides, to be honest, I was too busy being afraid of the Grey Ones to worry about whatever dickish maneuver Eldrad must be planning. I've faced the mon-keigh, the Orks, our fallen brethren, and the horrors of the Warp, and such foes do not frighten me, but the soulless enemy does. They're so... cold. Nevertheless, let it not be said that I did not do my duty when called upon.

We flew almost to the edge of the galaxy; myself, my handpicked force, and Eldrad, who actually acted professionally during the long transit. I kept glancing over my shoulder, literally and metaphorically, expecting his true nature to assert itself, but we reached the tomb world without incident. We landed on that ancient soil, and all my senses were screaming at me to get back in the ship and get away, back to Ulthwe and (relative) safety. But we went further. We went down into a tomb, Eldrad opening the way for us.

Down in that darkness, I was more scared than I ever had been in my whole life, all 19,872 years of it; this was one of the most nerve-wracking (if not THE most nerve-wracking) tasks I'd ever been given as a member of Eldrad's retinue. Eldrad had a device with him, a band of wraithbone he claimed had taken him nearly a year to create; he told us that it would keep a Necron in stasis, regardless of what transpired. He also said that our presence wouldn't wake the tomb world; I just had to cling tight to my staff and pray that he was right. Naturally, Eldrad being Eldrad, we couldn't just grab the warrior closest to the entrance and run for it; we had to find the "right" one, which meant walking for nearly an hour into the tomb's depths before he finally selected one identical to every other warrior and locked the band around its head.

By the time we get back to the surface, which took even longer than going in because we dropped that heavy Necron no less than four times on the way back, I'm a bundle of nerves, and it only gets worse during the flight. I can't sleep inside our little ship, knowing that soulless killing machine is on board with us, knowing about the wars that they fought against our ancestors, and what kind of deaths the Eldar in those days met. It keeps running through my head that it's almost my birthday, that I'll soon be turning 19,873, and that I don't want to get snuffed out before I hit the twenty-thousand-year mark. That's no way for an Eldar to go.

The ship arrives back at Ulthwe the day before my birthday. Eldrad, grinning enigmatically, heads off to his workshop with the Necron, and I stumble up to my cozy dwelling bubble and fall straight into bed, still wearing the same warlock robes I've been wearing since the tomb world. Yes, it was nasty, like something a mon-keigh would do. I was so tired I didn't care. If that Necron wanted to get me, it'd have to fight through half of Ulthwe to reach me, coming from Eldrad's bubble complex. I slept at last.

Not that it helped much. In my dreams, I'm back in the tomb, with Grey Ones rising to life around me. I run, but I'm trapped; I try to fight, and I get torn into bleeding shreds. I wake up, feeling barely better than when I got off the mission ship, and realize that it's my birthday. Congratulations, self. Outside my bubble, I can sense the collected presence of family and friends, come to wish me success in my new year. Well, you only turn 19,873 once, so I drag myself out of bed, toss my grimy robes aside, and head for the shower; I figure a little session there should revive me enough to at least face my well-wishers graciously. I step through the bathroom door, pull back the shower curtain, and the Necron is in my shower cubicle.

THE NECRON IS IN MY SHOWER CUBICLE. Poised as if to strike, hands raised and clawed metal fingers spread - that memory is one I shall carry to the end of time.

I do the worst thing I possibly could. I panic. I scream at the top of my lungs and run headlong...out of the bathroom...out of my dwelling bubble...and come face-to-face with my birthday crowd. While wearing my "birthday suit," just like a scene from an embarrassing nightmare. There's a moment in which everyone goes silent - everyone except Eldrad, standing off to one side, his snickering audible to all.

I suspect that they'll still be talking about this when I turn 20,000. Thanks, Eldrad. Way to ruin my birthday.

What a dick.
----
[[Image:Eldrad ulthran by eupackardia-d6p4mvi.jpeg|thumb|left|350px|Live like a dick, dress like a fabulous dick.]]

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times - Eldrad’s a dick. It’s totally inconceivable to me just how much of a dick he can be sometimes...well, all the time, really. And for something to be inconceivable to me, that’s saying something, I’m an Eldar.

So this time, Eldrad summoned me to some contested planet on the outer rim and explained the situation. He said nothing of our mission except when I asked, but even then his answers were cryptic, as ever. I’d ask him what we would be doing on the planet, and he’d pause, then mumble incoherently, winking at me, or something like that. I thought at the time that the entire thing was just some ridiculous set-up that Eldrad was using to some trivial end, but what it was at the time, I couldn't fathom.

We departed for the surface with nothing but some poor guardian who probably had no idea what was about to happen. I concealed us against a hillside as we watched the carnage below. The forces of Chaos were attacking an Imperial outpost in the valley ahead of us, which appeared woefully outnumbered. I now realized the gravity of our situation - this planet contained one of the wraith gates that linked through the webway to every Eldar craftworld in existence. Were that to fall into the hands of Chaos...

And at that point, I felt guilty for doubting Eldrad. The greatest psyker in existence, one of the most powerful beings ever to roam the galaxy - and I had dismissed this mission out of hand. I now knew that we could not fail - we could not let the planet fall into the hands of Chaos!

The three of us made our way down the slope, within metres of the battle, concealed by my illusion the entire way. Unobservant of us, a Space Marine Dreadnought lumbered forward, engaging a squad of Chaos Space Marines. The infantry threw themselves against the armored hull, smashing and tearing as best they could, but to no avail - the dreadnought tore each marine apart, one by one.

Then, Eldrad turned to the guardian and made the strangest order I had ever heard, in all my 19,873 years. “Fire at the dreadnought. Its right knee.” The guardian looked in horror as he let loose the rain of shurikens from his catapult, knowing full well what would happen. A single shuriken pierced through the metal joint, and the dreadnought fell forward onto a stray grenade from a dead Chaos Space Marine, and the entire machine exploded in a dizzying spray of shrapnel. I held up my witchblade, averting what I could while my rune armor deflected the rest. Only a few bits of metal managed to scrape against my exposed face. I turned to face Eldrad, to ask the reason for destroying the enemy of those we were attempting to stop, when suddenly, my stomach sank, for two reasons.

One, he was giggling.

Two, a massive squad of fresh Chaos Marines, led by a massive demon, was charging over the hill towards our position.

I screamed at Eldrad to turn, but he simply continued giggling. The squad closed in, until it seemed that our fearless leader would find his end here, when suddenly, the marines scraped to a halt, each one with its eyes on me. One by one, the entire squad, including the demon began to giggle, then laugh, then roll on the ground, guffawing uncontrollably. Eldrad snorted, then ordered a retreat. As we left the planet, I saw the Space Marine barrage annihilate the demon and his squad, buying the defenses enough time to push back the attack. The planet was saved.

It wasn't until I got into my bathroom (and passed half the damn craftworld) that I realized that, upon my forehead, in impossibly perfect scratches and scrapes, were written the words “I SUCK TYRANID COCK.”

What a dick.

----
[[Image:Eldrad_a_dick_but_awesome_by_shadowseer66.png|thumb|right|300px|Sometimes an illusory dick. But still a dick.]]

So, Eldrad Ulthran is a huge dick. But you already know that, I say it every day, sometimes twice a day because he’s just that bad.

So, one day I’m hanging out at one of the bakeries in Ulthwé, eating lunch while trying to chat up a really cute Howling Banshee when Eldrad walks in. All of a sudden I hear a shout from the bakers (I think he was a Swooping Bagel Exarch) and a loud bang as one of the wraithovens in the back explodes. Out of nowhere a loaf of bread the size of my head comes flying out, rebounds off the wraithglass window, hits my drink and spills it all over my pants, and then sails right into Eldrad’s open hand. He just gives me this smirk and takes a huge bite. Now my pants are soaked and the cute Banshee is laughing at me.

What a dick.

After I’m thoroughly embarrassed, Eldrad announces that we were moving out, this time to Cadia. So an hour later I’m flying the long way there because Eldrad wants to spend the trip chatting up that cute Banshee. My pants are still wet because he never gave me a chance to change them.

After what seems like forever we finally land on Cadia near one of those massive parade grounds the humans love, Eldrad has the three of us cloaked under one of his illusions. Up on a huge podium one of their generals is shouting orders and chomping on a cigar. He’s got the biggest damn collar I've ever seen, even bigger than the one that Warlock who hangs out with Idranel has.

Anyway, Eldrad has us stand around and twiddle our thumbs for about an hour until he notices a commissar walking by to inspect the huge formation of humans. Eldrad turns to the cute Banshee and whispers something in her ear, and then all of a sudden she shoves me really hard on the back. I stumble forward, out of the illusion, and fall into the commissar, knocking him into the formation and sending ever single soldier toppling to the ground. Apparently one of those soldiers hit a Sentinel in just the right spot and it goes tumbling over into all of the others, which in turn collapse into the lines of tanks and transports like a massive game of wraithdominoes except for all the explosions. In a few seconds the entire parade is a massive flaming wreck.

While I’m frantically trying to get away from the commissar, who’s screaming about the ‘damned xenos,’ Eldrad drops the illusion and just shoots the biggest grin I've ever seen up at the human with the huge collar, who’s so angry that he practically swallows his cigar. Then the cute Banshee grabs hold of me and the three of us hightail it to the ship before the humans can start trying to kill us. As we’re flying away I notice the mass of burning wreckage somehow manages to spell out ‘CREED SUCKS.’ Eldrad just laughs to himself like it’s the funniest damned thing in the world as he takes his seat.

Then we realize that he’s sitting on a Leman Russ.

[[Creed|Ursarkar E. Creed]] smiles to himself as he pulls out a fresh cigar. [[Just as planned|“Just as planned.”]]

What a couple of dicks.

----
Eldrad Ultran is a dick. I think I’ve already mentioned that, but it’s definitely worth repeating. I was reminded of what a dick he is when we went to Karael-ton.

Karael-ton is an Exodite world famous because in their World Shrine they keep a stash of drugs from before the Fall. I think it’s to remind the Exodites that although their lives may be boring, at least they aren’t being raped to death by a newborn Chaos god. Anyway, one day we heard that Doomrider was coming to Karael-ton to steal the drugs and Eldrad decided that was a bad idea. Unfortunately we didn’t have enough forces to stop him so we had to do a deal with Asdrubael Vect, who just so happens to be the second biggest dick I’ve ever met. Eldrad is the first of course. Eldrad promised Vect that if he helped out he’d get a share of the drugs, which didn’t sound like a good idea if you ask me (which Eldrad didn’t).

Before we started fighting Doomrider and his Slaaneshi bros Eldrad took us on a detour to this old mon-keigh Astropathic relay station he’d dumped on Karael-ton the last time he was there, in clear violation of their ‘no littering’ policy. What a dick. Turns out Eldrad didn’t trust Vect and wanted to summon reinforcements from the Imperium to take out Doomrider and Vect. He told me to use the relay to contact the nearest Imperial world. I wasn’t okay with this for a number of reasons, especially when he told me I’d have to shave off all my hair to get hooked up to their psychic resonance machinery. Now I’m not some vain Wych, but I am fond of my hair. It’s long and dark, and it’s probably my most attractive feature.

Eventually I gave in and Eldrad shaved off all my hair. He had a big grin on my face when he was doing it which should have told me he was plotting something, but then he always has a big grin on in his face because he’s always plotting something. I tried to use the machinery, but it was wired up all wrong and partially damaged and it was designed for humans anyway. To cut a long story short, it gave me an enormous headache and it didn’t work at all. I thought Eldrad would be disappointed, but instead he just grinned and said “Oh, I didn’t expect it to work. That’s why I’ve already let the Imperials know we’re here using another technique.” What a dick.

The battle against Doomrider went pretty well. Eldrad set up some illusion so Doomrider saw a great big pile of cocaine and drove right for it. He passed straight through the illusion into a webway portal Eldrad had opened and ended up in the Courtyard of Peace and Tranquility on the Tau homeworld just as some kids were doing a poetry recital. It’s funny when it’s not happening to you, but Eldrad is still a dick.

Just then the Space Marines showed up and started attacking us. Eldrad and Vect were having a “who can be the biggest dick” competition trying to get each other’s armies destroyed. Somehow we still managed to win the battle and killed all the mon-keigh. I walked up to Eldrad, who was holding a big bag of drugs in one hand and playing with a Space Marine gun with the other. I asked what he was doing and he just smirked and handed the gun over to me. Then Vect appeared and demanded the drugs he’d been promised. Eldrad handed over the bag and at that moment a Vindicare assassin shot at us. My eldar reflexes are sharp and I could see the bullet arcing its way towards Vect’s head. Just then the human gun exploded in my hands. At first I thought Eldrad was repeating his “let’s give someone scars on their face that spell out a rude message” joke, but then I realised that it was a graviton gun and the explosion was making gravity do all sorts of weird stuff. The bullet was dragged off course and hit the bag of drugs straight on, utterly destroying it. I thought Vect was going to be furious, but he just laughed, slapped us on the back and wandered off. It was only two hours later that I found out he’d stuck a “kick me” sign on my back. What a dick.

And Eldrad? He was the biggest dick. The bag he’d given to Vect was another illusion. He’d hidden the real drugs in my room on the craftworld. My grandma found them when she came to visit and it was ''the most'' awkward conversation I’ve ever had to have. And all the time she was telling me off and looking all disapproving I could imagine Eldrad’s big stupid face grinning away. What a dick.
</div></div>
==Current Activities ==
As of 8th edition, and his exile, Eldrad is pulling old strings while fighting alongside the Ynnari and their new allies.  His devotion to this new great alliance of Elves and Men--I mean Eldar and Imperium has seen him going so far as to oppose the White Seers, the leaders of the Black Library itself, in favour of doing what was requested by Roboute, doing so without any of the usual Eldar trickery (by the gods, the sheer amount of dickishness that he must be holding back is mind-boggling- one can only assume that his exile taught him a painful lesson in humility) and openly admitting to the Primarch that the Imperium and the Eldar need each other to survive. Existing much like a Corsair fleet, Eldrad and his renegades now travel the galaxy, regularly offering sage wisdom or aid to those who fight against the overwhelming forces of Chaos, or occasionally getting into the fray himself like during the War in the Labyrinth. Despite his exile when Daemonic forces invade the defenseless Ulthwé due to Ulthwe sending its entire force to every corner of the galaxy in order to fight Chaos, Eldrad returned and kicked some major Chaos arse. 

He also turns out to be a bit of a hoarder, with whole towers stuffed with all manner of strange knick-knacks and other totally pointless items gifted to him over his long life, that he was apparently too polite to refuse but too lazy to dispose of (what a dick). Or in a kinder way maybe he feels it would be disrespectful.

Yvraine has taken to making fun of him because of his old age. I tell you, these youngsters today, have absolutely no respect for their “Eldars”.

Most concerningly, he seems to believe that something worse than Chaos, something older, is on it's way...

==Phoenix lord of the Witch Path==
Could Eldrad possibly become the Phoenix Lord of the Witch Path? He certainly has lived far longer than is natural for even the most long-lived Eldar, and it was his introduction with Asurmen and the ideas of the Path system that caused him to reform the Witch Path into the highly controlled and focused Path that it is. Even Jain Zar, who had less than friendly interactions with Eldrad, claimed that she knew when she was in the presence of another "Immortal". Of course, seeing as Eldrad is still on his first life there is no telling if this is true or not, but given that his previously retconned death had him splitting his soul into multiple soul stones (in a similar way to a horcrux) and that several were still active, even after his supposed "death" may indicate that GW may have planned on resurrecting him eventually if they had chosen to continue that storyline.

==What is his ultimate plan (or how to make the biggest dick in 40k even more of a dick)==
The Eldar as a whole have many ambitious plans in the works for dealing with Chaos, each as desperate and dangerous as the last, but what is Eldrad's grand plan, and why is he so interested in keeping humanity alive? 

It could be that he ultimately wants Eldar and humanity to join hands and sing kumbaya, as we skip merrily into the sunset, but what's the fun in that.

First of all a warning, there will be spoilers below.

During the Horus Heresy Eldrad disagreed with the Cabal (of which he was a former member) regarding what should be done, and actively sought to keep humanity from being annihilated; believing that there was actually a third option. But why?

Now this is were it gets interesting; the Emperor upon the destruction of his great work, possessed Vulkan's, at the time, dead body to forge his ultimate "fuck you" button. It was a talisman that could create flames that can permanently kill daemons. Eldrad made great efforts to make sure Vulkan made it back to terra with this weapon, were it was then permanently fused with the Golden Throne. If the Throne fails or the Emperor slain, then the device will feed upon the power stored within the Golden Throne, and Terra will burn. Any daemon's nearby will be perma killed, and seeing as they are all extensions of the Gods themselves, this is going to seriously hurt. On top of that if the Gate is open, these flames will potentially flow into the Warp, were they may even reach the Gods themselves.

It is unlikely that this explosion will be able to kill the Gods, but it will likely weaken them seriously. It goes without saying that the more powerful the explosion, the more damage it will do. So how do you make the explosion more powerful? Easy you add more fuel to feed it.

For 10,000 years humanity has been feeding the Throne and the Emperor. Was Eldrad's plan all along, to keep humanity around so they could ultimately fuel this terrifying warp doomsday device in order to strike a devastating blow against the Gods themselves, a blow that they would never recover from.

*This would also go a long way to explain why he sent Harlequins to breach the Imperial Palace during "The Throne World". As long as Terra was properly defended, then Chaos, or some other enemy would stand no chance of actually reaching the Golden Throne; you don't want your secret doomsday device being deactivated, or worse, set off prematurely, before it is powerful enough to do what it needed to do. The Imperium had grown lazy and lethargic during a brief time of peace, and had let the defences around the Throne slip. The Imperium was never going to listen to the warnings of xeno scum, so the only way to get their attention was to show them. 

*It should be pointed out that this does not mean humanity itself is destroyed as the majority of humanity would be nowhere near the explosion. In fact with the weakening of the Chaos Gods it might actually serve to save humanity as a whole, alongside the Eldar.

When you add this too:
*The Phoenix Lords running around, getting everything setup and ready for the Rhana Dandra, whilst at the same time holding it back for as long as possible.
*Cegorach and his great jest, to trick Slaanesh into saving the Eldar.
*The birth of Ynnnead and a new way to protect Eldar souls from the creatures of the Warp.
*The possibility of a small reformed pantheon, to counter balance the Dark Powers.

You get the distinct impression that the Eldar have no intention of pulling their punches, and are fully intending to fuck Chaos up big time. Even if their time is up, if they're going down, they're taking Chaos with them. Out of all the factions (despite their many splinter groups not always seeing eye too eye) in 40k they seem to be the only ones who actually know what the bloody hell they're doing, and actually have a plan for the Endgame unlike the Imperium which is just running around and putting out the fires that have been raging since Horus fucked it all up and the Tau who are sitting in a circle holding hands and singing John Lennon's Imagine.

==This Dick On the Tabletop==

Eldrad is probably THE mainstay special character for Eldar armies. As we all know, the dude is rivaled as a (non-[[Magnus the Red|cheese]]) psychic powerhouse only by [[Ahzek Ahriman]]: he's got Mastery Level 4, meaning that if you go for Psychic Focus and roll on a single table, you've got access to every power on there except for one (something his Tzeentchian peer can only do with the Tzeentch discipline since he has to generate at least one power from it). He knows [[Warhammer 40,000/Tactics/Psychic 101#Daemonology|Sanctic Daemonology]], [[Warhammer 40,000/Tactics/Psychic 101#Telepathy|Telepathy]], [[Warhammer 40,000/Tactics/Psychic 101#Divination|Divination]], and, of course, [[Warhammer 40,000/Tactics/Eldar(7E)#Runes of Fate|Runes of Fate]]. Whereas Ahriman is all about the volume when it comes to mind bullets, Eldrad is all about stability and reliability. He has the usual Farseer toys: Runes of the Farseer, which allows him to re-roll once per turn any number of dice on a psychic test or a Deny the Witch test, and a Ghosthelm, which allows him to spend a warp charge to nullify a wound caused by Perils of the Warp. So like any Farseer, he's already much less likely than other psykers to get turned inside out by daemons or to have his powers fizzle out, even when casting big WC3 stuff. Furthermore, his staff gives him a 33% chance to generate an extra warp charge every time he successfully casts a power; so not only does he have those 4-5 powers, but he's usually got the charges to use all of them.

Besides his psychic prowess, Eldrad also has some nifty wargear. Armour of the Last Runes gives him a 3++ Invulnerable save, which, coupled with his T4, allows him to take more punishment than the average Farseer, though his resilience still isn't anything to write home to Craftworld Ulthwé about. He's got a shuriken pistol (always good to have a Bladestorm weapon handy, and it's an extra close combat attack), a witchblade (Fleshbane! Always wounds on 2+), and let's not forget his all-important psyker disco stick, the Staff of Ulthamar, which is S-User (which doesn't really matter), AP3 AND has Fleshbane and Force. Anything he hits with it gets wounded on 2+, probably doesn't get an armor save, and dies instantly if you activate Force. Enough said. Oh, and his special rules are Fleet, Ancient Doom, Independent Character, Battle Focus, and Psyker. Naturally, his Warlord Trait is An Eye on Distant Events—because, you see, Eldrad is a dick.

8th Edition kept a lot of the details more or less the same; his melee weapons still wound on a +2, he's still T4 with a 3++ Invuln save and he's still a dick. He can learn three Runes of Fate as opposed to the generic Farseers' two and may cast three of those powers(or Smite) in the same turn. He also gets slightly better at casting after his first successful power for the turn, so there's that. If he's taken as your Warlord he gets Ulthwé's unique Fate Reader trait, which gives you a Command Point at the beginning of your turn if you roll a 6. Could be better, but he's still a ''very'' good character even if you choose have someone else lead your army.

== Gallery ==

<gallery>
Image:What'sthisinmyhand.jpg|He's a dick
Image:Eldrad shows abbadon who the boss of this gym is.jpg|He beat the shit out of [[Abaddon]] in close combat despite knowing full well what kind of reputation he had. What a dick.
Image:EldradCandy.jpg|Shas'la should always call for their nearest Shas'o if approached by a strange dick.
Image:Eldrad by astarsis86.jpg|He's a cheeky dick waffle.
</gallery>

[[Category: Warhammer 40,000]]

[[Category: Stories/Warhammer 40,000]]

[[Category: Xenos]]

[[Category: Eldar]]

[[Category: Craftworld Eldar]]

[[Category: Ynnari]]

{{Eldar-Characters}}

{{Ynnari-Characters}}