Editing Emperor's To-Do List

{{Cleanup}}

== The Emperor's list of Things to do after Resurrection == 
{{Heresy}}

The God-Emperor of Mankind has been taking a bit of a breather lately, but don't think that he has stopped caring and looking after humanity. As a matter of fact, the [[Adeptus Custodes]] happens to have this reassuring list of things that the Emperor intends to do once he's finished taking a little nap, and had a good breakfast.


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===The Holy List (in no particular order, article currently being purged of unreadable fail)=== 
[[File:TheLiterallyImmortalGodEmperorOfMankind.jpg|300px|thumb|"Your faith in The Emperor shall assuredly be rewarded."]]
<!-- the joke is that the <s>Emperor of Mankind is truly and honestly a hero</s>,(OR IS HE?!?!?)(No, he wasn't, he was a liar, a tyrant and a galactic asshole who sought authoritarian dominion over all Humanity.) but in his absence the people running the Empire are corrupt and GRIMDARK. Thus the "improvements" of this list by Adeptus Custodes and the Commissars of the Imperial Guard.  Said Commissars are currently being gaussed with extreme prejudice because sweet blue monkey space Jesus this article is a shit hole. {{BLAM|*BLAM* HERE-}}<span style='color:green;font-size:100%'>*ZZZZAPPP*</span> {{BLAM|GAK!}}  <span style='color:green;font-size:100%'>''And you can go fuck right off.''</span> -->


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# Take a shower, I smell worse than a [[plague marine]] at this point.
# Look at list and reorganize priorities, some items lower on the list are more important than higher ones.
# Scratch that itch that has been bugging the shit out of me for the last 10,000 years.
# Eat a live [[Carnifex]] without the aid of sauces.
# Eat another live [[Carnifex]] with the aid of sauces.
# Turn yet Another Carnifex into sauce, while living, and use that as a sauce for the last Carnifex that doesn't fear me.
# Further expand the Warhammer 40K storyline without the interference of Workshop.
# Destroy the enemies of the Imperium.
# Teach the Imperial Guard generals some actual tactics other than sending thousands of Guardsmen to take a hill outpost.
# Tell the Adeptus Mechanicus to stop keeping secrets and actually try to advance technology and reverse-engineer Xeno-tech so we don't have to rely on whatever scraps the Dark age of Technology left us. Threaten to Exterminatus Mars if they don't.
# Replace the Imperial Guardsmen <strike>Flashlights</strike> Lasguns with something that can ''actually'' do shit. Guardsmen with Pulse Rifles and Gauss Flayers HELL YEA!!!!! 
# Gather every Guardsman, Astartes, Inquisition dudes, Sororitas, Commissars... hell, everyone in the Imperium of Man, give them weapons, have them surround the Eye of Terror and ''then'' let the Greatest of all Holy shitstorms ensue.
# Personally execute Fulgrim, Perturabo, Angron and the rest of them traitor Primarchs.. ''after'' the Inquisition has given them a proper torturing.  Except Fulgrim. No torture for him will be torture enough.
# Outangry Angron, outsex Fulgrim, outfortify Perturabo, outwit Magnus, outpreach Lorgar, and... I'll think of something Mortarion is good at that won't make me want to puke and beat him at it. Oh wait, huffing deadly poisons.
# Beat Khorne in an arm wrestling match, thus avenging my prior defeat at his hands, then rip his arm off and beat him to death with it.
# Show Slaanesh my dick and watch as he kills him/her/itself because of envy! If he doesn't, just dickslap the bitch into Khorne's arms and eat popcorn while hilarity ensues.
# Hug Papa Nurgle and remain pure. 
# Devise a scheme so elaborate and complex that I'll be the one to say "Just as planned" to Tzeentch. 
# Outdick [[Eldrad]]. Then screw both of his daughters in front of him. Again.
# Go back in time and tell the dumb fuck at Workshop [[Matthew Ward]] who fucked up the 5th Edition of Codex Astartes that "He's doing it wrong," the dude to made the Imperial Guard better that "He's doing it right,"(Tomb kings and Tyranids disagree), then go to the guy who decided to give the Guard flashlights and take him to the Inquisition to be properly tortured.
# Recognize /tg/ for its greatness. 
# Permit Space Marines and Sisters of Battle to date.  Well, the Astartes call themselves my Sons, and the Sororitas say they're my Daughters... maybe this plan is a wee bit awkward? But I want grandkids, and the last time I was a dad, my son Horus went and ruined Christmas for everybody
# Be a better father to the rest of my sons, as not to spark another shitstorm that will inevitably cripple me for another few millennia.
# Go on a deer-hunting trip with some [[Vindicare]] and bag more kills than him using MY KICKASS FLAY-WITH-MY-MIND POWERS!!!
# Overshadow an Eversor Assassin during his dynamic entry.
# Deceive a Callidus Assassin with disguises and trick her into having a romantic relationship with me.
# Outbrood a Culexus Assassin and still remain awesome. 
# Deceive the C'tan false God "The Deceiver" by tricking him into giving over control of the Necrons to me.
# Find out what if anything is chasing the Tyranids and see if they're friendly. If not: Launch the prototype promethium planetary bombardment torpedo.
# Once again outdick Eldrad in the game of his choice, forcing him to ragequit.
# Beat a Lord of Change Greater Daemon in a game of Chess with only 5 moves.
# Make a better emergency life support system as a safeguard if things for some reason go south. By that I mean make some kinda Emperor Dreadnought or some shit like that so I can still do my job instead of all this being a decaying corpse on some tricked out toilet worshiped by the entire population... did I mention how much this sucks?
# Outright skullfuck Slaanesh for making something so good be so wrong and heretical.
# Eliminate masturbation across the Imperium and in its place have sanctioned sex workers as part of the socialized medical program(no, I think I had it right before) so nobody will be stuck comforting themselves alone ever again.
# Send search parties throughout the Empire to find that awesome excuse for a Space [[Viking]], [[Leman Russ]], and if he's found alive, hand his ass to him like I did before I got stuck on this throne.
# Prove the existence of the [[Alpha Legion]].
# Give Alpharius and Omegon a hug for staying secretly loyal and fighting Chaos from within for ten thousand years, then ground them for a decade for all the damage they did in the process.
# Expand the Imperium to a intergalactic empire.
# Create a special rule just for myself so that instead of just ''one'' unit as a scout, I field an ENTIRE REGIMENT'S worth of troops as scouts. 
# Beat a Commissar at a Western-Style shootout. 
# Recognize the Legion of the Damned for their awesomeness and badassery.
# Challenge Sly Marbo to a duel to decide who is the greatest being in the entire universe.
# Beat a Tau Broadside battlesuit in ranged combat using only an angry glare.
# Clean house with the Administratum. How can we get shit done when we don't know how much we have to work with?
# Dig out my office from all the paperwork/peat moss that has accumulated over the <s>years</s> <s>decades</s> <s>centuries</s> fucking millennia. Not looking forward to this one.
# Hunt down my Legendary Power Sword. Again.
# Come up with a Name for my Legendary Power Sword.
# Find the canon-Nazi using this list as his own personal toilet paper to wipe his shit on and mail him to Commorragh.
# Throw a WAAAGH
# Invite the Orks to said WAAAGH.
# Aim said WAAAGH at the Necrons/Tyranids.
# Bring a camera.
# ???
# PROFIT.
# Find Lion El'Jonson and get him back on the front line owning shit.
# Resurrect Rogal Dorn.
# Visit Roboute Guillaume and tell him to hurry the fuck up and fully heal. 
# Create a First Founding 2.0 to make the [[Angry Marines]], [[Manly Marines]] and those other guys canon.
# Use the warp to go back in time, find myself and beat myself in a duel, so I can have TWO Legendary Power Sword's!!!
# Come up with more shit for The Emperor's list of Things to do after Resurrection 2.0 if things do go south for some reason and the Emprah-dread ain't ready yet.
# Turn the Armageddon conflict into a 24/7 Reality TV Channel.
# Invent a deodorant that works on Typhus.
# Promote Cypher to Warmaster, he's clearly more competent then any of the puny humans that get to that rank, and seems more reliable then Lion El'Jonson.
# Fuck, trip-out and drink the whole of Commorragh under the table, and then <s>kick</s> PUNT their stoned arses into Hell.
# Somehow regain my love and compassion. Can't lead the Imperium into non-grimdarkness without that, you know!
# GROW A GOD-DAMNED BEARD. HOW CAN I BE CONSIDERED MANLY WITHOUT A BEARD?
# Figure out how to get my awesomesauce body back since it's I lost all my limbs to decomposition.
# Make the Ultramarines stop boasting how awesome they are while in fact they fuck up almost every vital engagement. Thus, first I must make them REALLY awesome, and then I won't need to tell about it to anyone since it will be a fact in itself.
# Somehow find a way to come back without sparking off galaxy-wide hysteria. Seriously, who would have thought being considered a God would suck so hard?
# Redesign the power armor pauldrons. CAN'T SEE SHIT WITH THESE THINGS ON, I MEAN FUCK. While I'm at it, find out why the hell the fuck I though that was a good idea to have those things so big in the first place.
# Design a helmet awesome enough for me, let's see wannabe Horuses try to mortally wound me when all of me is covered in armor. 
# Invent a power staircase.
# Congratulate [[Abaddon|Failbaddon]] for doing more damage to the forces of Chaos than my armies could have done in the same amount of time by being an incompetent fuck, then dickslap him back into the Warp. 
# Surf a flying leviathan. 
# Get GW to make a fluff accurate miniature of me. 
# Make a legendary thunder-shield for myself. 
# Make my armor out of Necrodermis, I'll be invincible then. 
# Make Commissar Yarrick into a living saint, I'm tired of Khorne bragging about how cool An'ggrath is and how I have nothing to match him, so I want my own version. 
# Resurrect Ciaphas Cain and form the "forward retreat" legion for him to command.
# Collect each and every one of the bajillion pieces of Khaine, put them together, and as he resurrects, punch him so hard that he'll fall apart into TWO bajillion pieces.
# Develop a method to make Adeptus Astartes bio-implants work also on women, then use the newly researched technology to turn the Sisters of Battle into female Space Marines. This will make those Slaanesh-worshiper cultists and Dark Eldar faggots think twice before violating ANY of my subjects 
# Create a super sleeping pill for the Void Dragon so he'll never wake up.  In case it won't work, I will pummel him back to sleep personally.  It worked before, thus I suppose it wouldn't be too much harder a second time, but I have a lot of better things to attend to so the sleeping pill is worth a try.
# Find the C'tan called "The Outsider" and rehabilitate him.  If not possible, kick him into a Black Hole.
# Finally win a game of Paradox Poker.  Yes it's fun to get together with Tzeentch, the Deceiver, and Cegorach every Saturday night for these games of dickery.  But it's about time that someone won one of these games and it might as well be me. Maybe I can bring Creed along to help.
# Organize my birthday party.
# Out-prank and out-funny Cegorach... probably the most difficult thing to do on my list.
# Set up arrangements for my return where I launch myself out of a Vindicator and hit a Demon Prince, [[awesome|causing him to explode.]]
# Figure out how to tell [[Adeptus Mechanicus|my man bitches]] to add pimp wheels to my golden throne then maybe a magma cannon or something badass... 
# Re-cushion the golden throne.
# Fix my fucked up face.
# Develop better plans to stop global warming and acid rain on [[Hiveworld]] planets.
# Personally get that dreadnought back-up plan started.  Item 57 might help this along.
# Beat Abaddon with his own arms.
# Recharge my iAuspex.
# Beat [[Matt Ward]] and [[C.S. Goto]] over the head with their crappy works
# Tell the Black Templars to chill the fuck out.  On second thought gather them into the 10,000 strong unstoppable force (ITS IN THE CODEX IT MUST BE SO) and destroy the Eye of Terror. 
# Release Bjorn and find the Space Wolves a kennel.
# Win a blinking contest with the Eye of Terror.
# Fetch Badassius his coat.
# Look up affordable retirement plans, I am so sick of babysitting some of these hopeless morons.
# Challenge [[Doomrider]] into a space coke-snorting contest.  Then laugh at him as he dies from overdosing on the stuff.
# Convince Doombreed to allow a model of himself to be made.
# Get a haircut.  Ensure my hair is even more fabulous.
# Have a trip over to the dentist.
# Start an intergalactic fast food chain.
# Invent a time machine 
# Using the time-machine to drink [[Leman Russ]] under the table.
# Using the time-machine so I can eat more than Leman Russ as well.
# Assign Primarch to the Angry Marines
# Assign Zoloft regiment to newly anointed Primarch of the Angry Marines
# Find my driver's license and look up own name.
# Make Galaxy Wide Web.
# Invent a social network purely for Space Marines accessible from any data slate called Facemarine.com
# Invent a website called 40.000chan.org so that humanity will finally be rid of the IRL [[trolls]] that have taken control over the hive cities, instead of the internet.
# Outangry a Angry Marine
# Outpretty a Pretty Marine
# Outfap [[Faptau]] in a furry challenge.
# Utterly destroy all [[furry|furfaggotry]].  (space wolves not included!)
# Beat myself in arm-wrestling with only one arm.
# Beat Commissar Fuklaw in a chainsword duel.  Then every Angry Marine.
# Tell the Blood Ravens to stop dicking around in the Aurelia Subsector and get to work on that Eye Of Terror thing.
# Satisfy [[Shlicktau]] to the point were she no longer wants to shlick.
# Cure space-AIDS by wiping out those filthy Dark Eldar.
# Wipe Nurgle's ass without vomiting my guts out and die a slooooooow death.  
# Pimp the Golden Throne so that i may score even more bitches.  
# Make a show called "The Fresh Emperor of Sacred Terra".
# <s> Creed was here.</s>  No, I wasn't.  Now I am!
# Get new toilet paper, this 40,001 year megapack has almost run out.
# Turn off my nightlight.  Seems that everyone was using it for something.  Too bad.
# Order all thrones, chairs and benches destroyed.  Or out of my sight at least, on pain of Exterminatus Cheezious, which is like getting creamed, but harder.
# Get [[Isha]] out of Nurgle's clutches, then watch as every Eldar wych freaks out, incidentally causing the Eye of Terror to blink.  [[Just as Planned]].
# Seduce Isha, just to prove you could, and watch as Nurgle gets pissed.
# Then laugh.
# Then give Nurgle a bath, with holy water made by distilling the blood of 1,000,000,000,000 saints.
# Run before plagues eat Nurgle alive for not being diseased enough, spontaneously combusting with the power of 10 of my Legendary Power Swords.
# Build a gold fortress at the [[brits|centre]] of Terra to enslave troglodytes.
# Become human parasite. 
# Punch [[Mork]] in the balls, with [[Gork]]'s severed fist.
# Demote [[Creed]] and his friends who keep fucking with my list.
# Pray night and day that Frank Herbert's family doesn't sue the shit out of me for blatantly ripping him off.
# Get [[Andy Chambers]] BACK!!!
# Kick every heretic who claimed the Space Marine game was a ripoff of Gears of War/Starcraft in the balls with Powerboots.  Then send the [[Angry Marines]] in.
# Beat [[Matt Ward]] to death with [[C.S. Goto]].
# Beat [[C.S. Goto]] to death with [[Matt Ward]]'s corpse.
# Give the Nightbringer nightmares about me.
# Resurrect Sanguinius.  
# Sit down and a have a cup of tea.  Because it's just been that fucking long.
# Find a way to re-create Horus's soul and then destroy it again.
# Put a new password on my computer to stop all these heretics from accessing my damn list! 
# Beat the living hell out of the guy/people who gave Mass Effect 3 shitty endings.
# Then do it again.
# Buy a really big gun to gather a load of Orks and shit in the middle of nowhere...
# ...then Virus Bomb said area.....
# Buy more milk. Being the overlord of humanity is thirsty work.
# Show Rick Santorum who the TRUE God of humanity is!
# Show the New Apostolic Reformation the [[Warp]].
# Take a dump on the Golden Throne.
# Congratulate Vance Stubbs.
# Go out on a shopping day to buy a new outfit, because this golden armour set is just ''SO'' 10 millennia ago.
# Order the Inquisition to torture the fuck out of EA's board of directors.
# Get something bad to happen in Canada.  This may be the most difficult task yet.
# Use proceeds to pay for Power Armor for every front line soldier in the Imperial Guard.  Commissars get Terminator Armor.
# Modify the Imperial Palace to be able to transform into "God Emperor Class Titan".
# Play [[Matt Ward]] in a game of Warhammer 40K.  Let him build the ultimate broken [[Ultramarines]]/[[Grey Knights]] army.  Destroy him in the first round with a [[Sisters of Battle]] army.
# Go back in time and reduce the prices at [[Games Workshop]].
# Unfuck the galaxy (again).
# Adopt [[Cultist-Chan]].  Hire a dialect coach and orthodontist for her.
# Find a [[Tarrasque]] and make it [[Emprahsque|my personal pet]].
# Commend [[Captain Titus]] for not succumbing to Ultramarine stereotypes.  Conclude the ceremony by striking Brother Leandros (the ungrateful fucking smurf) in the testicles with a thunder hammer.
# Discover a way to cook Tyranids so they taste like buttered lobsters or fried bacon.  That way, Imperial Guardsmen will not only be cheered by the prospect of a good meal at the end of a battle, but they would appreciate the irony of galaxy-eaters suddenly becoming tasty grub.  Hiveships, once dreaded, now become flying hors d'oeuvres platters.
# Get some Preparation H from the Apothecaries. 
# Revise Imperial naval doctrine to emphasize that SPACE IS NOT A FUCKING OCEAN!
# Write a best-selling autobiography. 
# Buy a shop-vac and drain [[Khorne]]'s lake of blood.  Dump hydrofluoric acid on his skull pile until it is a calcium slurry.  Laugh scornfully at Khorne's unbelievable [[rage]] as the work of centuries goes to waste in a few hours.
# Tell everyone to cheer up.  The universe is [[grimdark|depressing]] enough, I don't need an entire [[Imperium|empire]] worth of wangst.
# Create a chastity belt out of necrodermis and put it on Slaanesh. 
# Introduce football to Orks and create elaborate stadiums, as to distract them from killing us. 
# Weaponize a [[Sonic Weaponry|vuvuzela]].
# Get new ballpoint pens because this damn list is draining the ink.
# Consider ways to liven up sports with the introduction of power armor/fists.
# Make Blood bowl the Imperium's official sport. 
# Invite the [[Eldar]], [[Chaos]] and the [[Ork]] forces to participate in Blood Bowl games, proceed to rig every game.
# Disband the [[Ultramarines]] Chapter and show [[Matt Ward]] what has been done as part of the torture. 
# Revive the [[Squats]].
# Piss on Horus' maggoty, heretical corpse.
# Teach the [[Adeptus Mechanicus]] there is no such thing as machine spirits, and tell them they can start using AI and computers more.  See notes regarding Imperial Navy for immediately apparent uses.
# Congratulate The Legion Of The Damned.
# Give the remaining Lamentaters a hug. They deserve it. 
# Introduce [[Nurgle]] to breath mints, toothpaste, soap, hair wash, body wash, detergent, water, and anything else hygiene beneficial. 
# Determine if sexual virility has remained intact. If not, demand the necessary supplements under pain of death.
# Dominate a Sister of Battle in bed.
# Drink some coke and Dr. Pepper because it's been so damn long.
# Eradicate Bronyism.
# Find a way to build Blackstone Fortresses.
# Deal with all the spam on 1d4chan
# Bring back Warhammer Wednesday
# Have some pie
# Feed the Jersey Shore Cast to the Tyranids.
# Kill Gorgutz, If he doesn't run away from the Fight, like he Did on Lorn, Kronus and Karauva.
# Create for myself a massive golden space-caddy to roll around the Imperium and fuck bitches in
# Train the commissars to stop executing their own men and start executing bronies instead.
# Feed Nurgle with soap
# Officially recognize the reasonable marines as the Knights Inductor. I need a Space Marine chapter that doesn't go trigger happy when they encounter heresy and xenos.
# Replace the Inquisition's 'patented' heresy meter with a... screw it. I'll just go with getting rid of the assholes.
# Attend to a Space Wolves Party and destroy the hell out of all their bitches's holes with mah giant cock. Then calm the men down with a biscuit.
# Try and find a way to not die as a few thousand years catch up to me when I get resurrected.
# Reserve engineer an ACU.
# Reserve engineer the Star Wars universe's galaxy crossing communications tech so the ACU can build it.
# Go into the earlier lore and use the ACU to reverse engineer the Necrons warp separator things and FTL travel.
# Use the ACU to mass produce all the above, and for good measure, use it to build some World Devastators and a Star Forge to speed up the process, but be sure to remove the whole darkside insanity side effects of the latter.
# Galactic domination since I'll have separated the Warp from the materium and cut off all forms of FLT travel and galaxy spanning communication but my own.
# Make sure this actually stops the Eldar's webway from working before I start gloating to them.
# Find a new use for the Grey Knights since there's no daemons for them to fight anymore, and re-design them.
# Make a chapter of Space Marines born from clones of [[Simo Hayha]] that is justifiably overpowered in the tabletop.
# Get at least one Space Marine commander, preferably a Grey Knight, in some future Warhammer game to be voiced by James Earl Jones.
# Copy the magicmagical propaganda towers in Command and Conquer Generals that pass out healing factors so that my tanks can use them. (PRIORITY!)
# Mock Slaanesh's worshippers that I now an army hot killer robots and they don't.
# Taunt Cthulhu.
# Flip-off Cthulhu.
# Scam Cthulhu.
# Punch out Cthulhu.
# Create a Total War version of [[Warhammer Fantasy]] with Creative Assembly (and sadly Sega).
# Tame an Ork Horde and send it all on that Daemon asshole who wrote that thing above. Fucking asshole.Whoever fucked up my list is going straight to Slaanesh's part of the Warp.
# Have a nice relaxing bath.
# Eat a pie with a live Carnifex inside with the aid of sauces.
# Stalk Slender Man.
# Play Dark Souls: Prepare To Die Edition to completion and die only once.
# Look disapprovingly at the Ecclesiarchy then bitch-slap the priests
# Model the Imperium's vehicles after something other than pre-cold war designs so we can overcome the obvious design flaws in them.
# Make a 40K version of Bloodbowl
# Order a Dreadnought to be modeled after Indrick Boreale
# Create some [[Warhammer High|Granddaughters]] so I can be a badass grandpa (and not have them fuck up as their dads did.)
# Open a hole to the metroid universe and ''recruit'' [[Samus]].
# Make Vassal 40k even better 
# After sealing off the Warp, find a use for the millions of now useless Psykers.
# MAKE SOME DAKKAFEX STEW
<b>WHOEVER SAID THAT GET ON RAPE TRAIN</b></s>{{BLAM|SHUT THE FUCK UP}} <s> 
# Make a spaceship with inter-galactic travel.
# Execute the assholes who were keeping me from resurrecting for so long.
# ***records indicate all data for file 472 has been expunged... authority unknown*** 
# Make a [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QMceVpV9N4 spine-chilling speech]
# Make Judge Dredd a space marine or head of the adeptus arbites
# Make series 2 of Firefly {{BLAM| THAT'S ONE BLAMMIN GOOD IDEA SON YOU ARE TO BE PROMOTED}}
# <s>destroy the Slaanesh nightclubs</s> {{BLAM|<B>*BLAM THEM WITH OUR BOLTERS</b>}}
# Whoever tries to edit this list again, mark my words: I. Will. Find. You. And when I do, I will fucking rape you and torture you so much (and hard), that you wish that you were in the Warp being raped by Slaneesh daemonets WITH DICKS INSTEAD OF PUSSIES, being tested with Nurgle's new diseases and smell his fucking stink, being MUTILATED by khorne and constantly trolled and manipulated by Tzeench, and I WILL be angrier than a pussy angry marine. Oh, SO much angrie-{{BLAM|<B>*BLAM* Take a Chill Pill bro</B>}} {{BLAM|<B>*BLAM* IRONY *BLAM*</b>}}
# Troll the guy above me because I am the God Emperor of Mankind and I can do whatever the fuck I like. 
# Make Matthew Ward an <s>ultramarine</s> Guardsman and send him by himself to combat a tyranid hive fleet. :) <s>but then he would just write some fluff that he has a tryanid repelent spraythat dissolves any nids nearby</s> and watch him getting torn to shreds. [[Just As Planned|Just As Planned]]. <S>Alternatively, put him into a Penitent Engine to make him atone for his [[Heresy|HERESY]].</S> But then he would make it that they are somehow [[Necrons|able to melt entire armys because of their land rader killing weaponry]]

[[Category: Awesome]]