Editing The Elder Scrolls

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[[File:Crabomancy.jpg|300px|thumb|right|During the Oblivion Crisis, the Dunmer of House Redoran raised up the shell of the Great Skar to fight on their side, as a Giant Friendly Crab. This series is hardcore like that.]]
[[The Elder Scrolls]] is a [[video game]] series, and the setting of five main games and a number of spinoffs. Despite being a vidja, it is considered a type II game (indirectly related to traditional games, the first game was in fact based off one of the developer's homebrew settings), and [[/tg/]] is very [[gay]] for this series and setting.

These games have a very extensive modding scene, alas, two quarters of it is sickening porn. 

/tg/ also has a [[Scrollhammer|40k/WHFB hack named Scrollhammer]] set in [[The Elder Scrolls]] universe.

==Setting==
[[File:Elder_Scrolls_Cosmology.jpg|400px|thumb|right|An approximation of the cosmology of the Elder Scrolls. Not shown: mindfucks.]]
The games mainly take place in Tamriel, a continent consisting of nine separate lands. After being [[Anal_Circumference|buttfucked]] by the [[Eldar|Ayleid]] for several centuries, Humanity rises up and overthrow their elven overlords, and took control themselves. After mucking about for another eight or so centuries, a man named [[Leman Russ|Tiber Septiem]]/[[Manly Marines|Hjalti Early-Beard]] steps up and leads his armies to [[Great_Crusade|conquer all of Tamriel to found the Third Empire]]. But instead of exterminating all the elves and beast races, they were allowed to co-exist with the other races and a time of prosperity began. Until Emperor [[Star_Trek|Jean-Luc Picard]] died, and [[Khorne|Mehrunes Dagon]] began to fuck his way from [[Warp|Oblivion]] into Tamriel, starting a chain of events that resulted in him being kicked back into hell by the Emperor's lost son, [[A Song of Ice and Fire|Sean Bean]]. Being Sean Bean meant he died in the process, and without an Emperor the Empire began to crumble. The Aldmeri Dominion (think Ayleid 2.0) sensed their weakness and began a war to subjugate the lesser races. The Empire only barely managed to stop them, and a tense cease-fire is currently in effect.

===Creation of the world===
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWuNf4gxwuM Listen to this.] This is the main theme of Morrowind, the third game in the series. It also contains the history of the cosmology of The Elder Scrolls. Listen to it, because it's a damn fine tune. But as you listen to it, you might realise there are no spoken words in this music. So how can it tell the history of a setting? Well, sit that five-dollar ass of yours down before I make [[Tzeentch|change]].

In the beginning, there was the Godhead. An all-powerful entity, asleep and dreaming. From his dreams sprung Adu and Padomay, Stasis and Change. These "brothers" (the term used in the loosest sense here, solely on being related but different forces) created Nir, a personification of the Aubris and All That Is. But Padomay grew jealous of the relationship between Adu and Nir and sought to destroy their child, Creation. Nir was killed and Creation was shattered, but Anu managed to salvage it and seal himself and his brother outside of Time forever. How Adu exactly did this is not sure, given that time did not exist at this point. From Adu and Padomay came Anui-El (personification of creation) and Sithis (personification of [[chaos]]). More forces than beings, they eventually made way for the et'Ada (spirit-gods); Auri-El (the ancestor of Mer, to them known as Akatosh), Shezarr (the ancestor of Man, to them known as Shor) and more.

There were two different kinds of et'Ada: those of Anuic basis became the Aedra, those of Padomaic basis became the Daedra. The Aldmer (proto-Altmer) gave them their names: Aedra (singular: Aedroth, though this name is used almost exclusively in scholaric texts) meaning "those who are our ancestors" and Daedra (singular: Daedroth, not to be confused with the Daedra with the same name, also only in common use in scholaric texts) meaning "those who are not our ancestors", these names (accurately) describing which group they descend from. While they are more or less the same kind of beings the modern Mer races would have everyone believe that they are not, just to look better themselves. Goddamn [[Elves]].

In the Dawn Era, time, in the shape of Akatosh (Ara, Auriel, Auri-El Tosh'Raka, AKHAT; take your pick), was non-linear. It flowed freely wherever it wanted, without direction, form of shape. In this temporal soup floated the souls of the proto-Mer. Think pea soup, except with souls of the most ancient of elfkind instead of peas. Time, in this form, was a single point. It was called the Ur-Tower, Ada-Mantia. Except it was not really a point or a tower, but more of a sound.

''Bom. (0:00 to 0:01 of the song)''

The et'Ada saw it, and it was good. Except for one. Lorkhan (LKHAN, Shor, Sep, Shezarr, maybe even [[Mass Effect|Shepard]]) descided he would not stand for this shit. He came up with a plan for a creation and showed it to Magnus, the Aedra of magic. Magnus went along with the plan and recruited the help of the Aedra Akatosh, Dibella, Julianos, Kynareth, Mara, Stendarr and Zenithar to serve as the basis of their creation: the Earth Bones. Except that they did not know this last part: Lorkhan had fooled them and they were fused into the foundation of the world, Nirn. When they discovered they were tricked the et'Ada were [[RAGE|not amused]]. Magnus buggered off into infinity along with his servants, tearing through the edge of Mundus and creating the sun and the stars in the process. Others gave Lorkhan his due: [[RIP AND TEAR|Trinimac tore his heart out and Auriel shot it out over the sea]], where it landed in a spot that would gain the moniker "Red Mountain". The halves of Lorkhan's body became the moons Masser and Secunda, [[Emperor|the last visible remnants of a corpse god.]] But this was [[just as planned]] for Lorkhan because Red Mountain was Red Tower, the second Tower, and the beat of his heart would be added to the sound of Akatosh.

''Bom bom. (0:01 to 0:07 of the song)''

This completely, utterly and irrevocably buttfucked spacetime. Because there now was a second point in existence, time could no longer flow anywhere it wanted and had to flow from Akatosh to Lorkhan. With time becoming linear, Nirn could start to grow. The souls of the Mer were forced into physical bodies and were the first on Nirn. Life began.

''Bom bom. (0:07 to 0:39 of the song)''

The Mer were [[RAGE|not pleased]] by this. They blamed Lorkhan for their predicament, naming him the Doom Drum and the herald of all misfortune. But they made the best out of the situation, and the races of Mer prospered. New Towers came into existence, one by one: Walks-Like-Brass Tower, White-Gold Tower, Snow-Throat Tower, Crystal-Like-Law, Orchalc, Khajit and Tree-Sap.

''Bom bom. (0:39 to 1:19 of the song)''

But, as time went on (something new back then), more and more happened. New peoples stood up. Empires were founded and fell. The races of Men were discovered, the beast races prospered, and the Empires of Men were founded.

''Bom bom. (1:19 to 1:42 of the song)''

Yet nothing is eternal. The Thalmor, the ruling faction of the High Elves, desires nothing less than the destruction of the Doom Drum and the Towers (and with it, the destruction of Nirn) so time once again becomes non-linear and they could return their eternal soup-floating. Removing Lorkhan would stop the music of existence, and everything once again becomes singular.

''Bom bom. Bom. (1:42 to 1:55 of the song)''

And then... silence.

===On the importance of Towers===
For every Tower there is a Stone, an artifact that can be used to activate or deactivate a Tower. For Ata-Mandia Tower this is the Moment of Creation itself (making it rather difficult to obtain), for Red Tower this is the Heart of Lorkhan and for White-Gold Tower this is the Amulet of Kings. The Towers serve an additonal purpose besides keeping [[Homestuck|spacetime]] from becoming a massive alinear clusterfuck. What is this? Well, it's easier for you to do it yourself that for me to explain. Make yourself a print of the map of Tamriel further down on this page. Then get yourself a pin board and a black, a red, two brown, three white, and two green tacks. Put the map against the pinboard and do the following:

*Put the white tacks through the map in the Imperial City in Cyrodiil, the Throat of the World slightly south-east of Whiterun in Skyrim, and Crystal Tower in the Summerset Isles (northern part, west of King's Watch). (White-Gold, Snow-Throat and Crystal-Like-Law)
*Put the green tacks in Yokuda (exact location unkown) and in Valenwood (somewhere in the middle). (Orchalc and Tree-Sap)
*Put the brown tacks in Daggerfall (southernmost tip of High Rock) and in Elsweyr (again in the middle). (Walks-Like-Brass and Tree-Sap)
*Put the red tack in the middle of Vvardenfell in Morrowind. (Red)
*Put the black tack on the little island deep in the Iliac Bay near High Rock. (Ata-Mandia)

That's the locations of the Towers that keep time flowing. All's fine and dandy with those holding the world together, no? Wrong. Some have been destroyed or deactivated over the course of time; three times this was done by the player. [[Fail|Whoops]]. Remove the following:

*Red Tower (deactivated in Morrowind by you)
*White-Gold Tower (deactivated in Oblivion by you)
*Crystal Tower (destroyed in Oblivion by the Daedra)
*Khajit Tower
*Tree-Sap Tower (both located in Thalmor territory, likely deactivated)
*Orchalc Tower (destroyed when Yokuda was destroyed)

Snow-Throat Tower is very much active, but its Stone is unkown. Walks-Like-Brass Tower is very much active, but somehow it is "besieging reality well into the Fith Era", meaning that it's in the future yet somehow active. Which is not a bad thing, since [[Titans_40k|Walks-Like-Brass tower is a fuckhueg robot]] that has a nasty habit of fucking Time so hard it breaks. So yeah, the only things standing between Tamriel and the primordial time-grog are a mountain and one of the [[Void Dragon]]'s action figures.

Removing the Tower-Tacks has another side effect: the veil between Nirn and Oblivion becomes thinner. At the time of Oblivion it had even grown so thin that the Daedra could slip into this realm on their own accord. So your actions in Morrowind caused the Oblivion Crisis. [[Fail|Way to go, champ.]] And what happens if you remove all the tacks? Right, your map falls off the pin board. Because that's what they do: keep Nirn on the bulletin board of reality. And if the Altmer had their way... it would fall off. This is not a good thing for the races of Men, because this would essentially mean they are [[retcon]]ned from reality. No afterlife, no going to their gods; they would just be gone. [[Grimdark|Delightful.]]

===How to Break your Dragon===
You might have heard the phrase "Dragon Break" (both words capitalized) a few times. Simply put, this means cock-slapping Time so hard it breaks and becomes non-linear for a while. But not just any cock-slap, oh no. Imagine a dick if you will. A really big dick (no, this does not make you [[gay]]). So big in fact, that even Big Dick Johnson (who gained his nickname from having a really big dick) would say "That's a big fucking dick". Right, you see it? The biggest fucking dick your feeble mind could comprehend? Good.

Now, imagine if you will, Time. How you do this is up to you: [[Doctor Who|a linear progression of cause to effect]], floaty magic thingies, [[Tallarn|sand]], a clock, perhaps even a more anthropomorphic presentation in the shape of a [[loli]] or a cute [[monstergirl]]. Right. Now take the dick and slap Time in the face. Cockslap it so hard that time itself just outright breaks and loses its linearity. This is a Dragon Break. The name itself is derived from the notion that Time is Akatosh, who is a dragon. Hence if you break time, you "Break the Dragon". While inside a Dragon Break time is perceived to pass normally, but when one exits it might appear that a lot more or less time than you observed has passed in the rest of the world.

The first known Dragon Break occured near the end of the Dragon War, where a trio of [[Vikings|Nords]] confronted Alduin the World-Eater, First-Born and Aspect of Akatosh (meaning that somehow he was [[Wat|his own father]]), the leader of the [[dragon]]s. The Nords created a localized Dragon Break to fling Alduin into the future so that he wasn't their problem anymore. [[Eldrad|What a bunch of dicks.]]

The second known Dragon Break happened during the Battle of Red Mountain where the First Council of the [[Elf|Chimer]] waged war on the [[Dwarves|Dwemer]]. The First Council had control over Numidium and unleashed it on the Dwemer. Numidium had one minor design flaw: every time someone pushed the "ON" switch it took its massive robo-boner (roboner!) and fucked the dragon right up the butt, no lube. This allowed for the multiple truths on the events that transpired on Red Mountain: Ayem, Seht and Vehk stood by their friend Nerevar as he succumbed to his wounds. Almalexia, Sotha Sil and Vivec murdered their Hortator (war-leader) Nerevar. Ayem Seht Vehk = Almalexia Sotha Sil Vivec = ALMSIVI. Everything is true, nothing is correct.

The third suspected Dragon Break occurred during the time of the Alessian Empire (Saint Alessia freed Man from the slavery of their Mer rulers, think of her as booby [[Sigmar]]). A cult of the Alessian Order wanted to exorcise the aspects of Auriel from Akatosh, basically substracting the Elf from the Dragon. This is said to have resulted in a thousand-year Dragon Break but it is disputed that this actually happened; some claim that this was little more than [[Administratum|a fuckup of the scholars and historians of the time]].

The fourth known Dragon Break took place when [[Emperor|Tiber Septim]] unleased Numidium on the Khajiit of Elsweyr. This included the subjugation of Elsweyr, Valenwood and eventually the Summerset Isles. Tiber Septiem threatened to activate it again and have it wreck the Aldmeri Dominion, but they liked their assholes to only be violated by one another so they too stood down. It has been recorded that Numidium was then used to destroy hostile royal families to replace them with the Emperor's puppets, likely by having it step on them.

The fifth and currently final known Dragon Break occurred during the events of Daggerfall, where it was turned on in the Iliac Bay. But because of the nature of Numidium fucking space-time a new lovehole when it activates (hence, "turned on") a number of the states in the region obtained the "FUCK EVERYTHING" button of Numidium and pressed it at the same time. Two days of hilarity later everyone conquered one another until the Empire ended as top dog and everyone swore fealty to the Empire. Because of the events surrounding the activation of the Dragon Break Numidum disappeared and fell into the future, where it still stands as Walks-Like-Brass Tower.

When the Dragon Breaks Akatosh deploys the Jill to fix time so that everything does not fall apart. These minute-menders (akin to angels) tend to take the form of great wyrms who fly around and fix the little bits of time with the power of their Voice (ie: they shout at holes in space-time until they bitch down). If this sounds familiar to you... it is. The Jill are nothing less than the Dragons you meet, fight, kill and soul-rob to increase your own unholy power. So in other words, [[Adeptus Evangelion|you have been killing the heralds of a new era]]. Dick.

===CHIM===
That muffled explosion you just heard was caused by a number of people exploding out of sheer [[rage]]. Sit tight, because this shit is meta wrapped in an enigma inside a mindfuck.

In Morrowind you can find a series of books titled the 36 Sermons of Vivec. If you pick them up and read them at face value they might appear as parts of a religious text, filled with metaphors, truths twisted throughout the ages, and copious amounts of [[Anal_Circumference|buttfucking]] (no, seriously). In these books you will find several references to CHIM, The Tower, and The Ruling King. Now, early on in the books Vivec is shown as the teacher of Lord Indoril Nerevar (more on him below), yet Nerevar does not understand the lessons. Because he was not the intended student. Instead, these lessons were meant for you. Not only for your player character, but for ''you'' , the player. For if one attains CHIM, one's physical form becomes a mere avatar of the self.

But now you may wonder, what the Charles fucking Dickens *is* CHIM?

Imagine if you will, a great wheel with eight spokes. The wheel is everything that exists: Aubris. The hub is Nirn, the world that the series takes place on. The spokes are the Aedra, the Eight Divines. The space between the spokes is Oblivion, where the Daedra reside. Mundus encompasses both Nirn, its moons and the realms of the Aedra. Now, if you were to turn the wheel 90 degrees, you'd be looking at the rim of the wheel so it resembles I. This is the Tower, the Secret of Aubris, holder of the secret. CHIM. The wheel is the entire universe. Outside there exist only two: Anu and Padhome, stasis and change. Think a great void filled with only two bubbles: there where these bubbles touch exists the wheel. Now, the Tower is not something physical, but an ideal. Something that can be attained, conquered, stolen. For one to reside within the tower, is to know the truth of all that is.

This truth is that everything is a dream. The supreme power in TES is the Godhead, the unknown creator of all. Everything, Aurbis, Anu, and Padomay; all created in the dreams of the Godhead. Attaining CHIM is to know this, the relentless alien terror that is God and your place in it. Everything you know, are and do is but a dream. Now, if you discover this either of two things can happen. The most common one is to realise you do and don't exist at the same time: you lose your individuality (you zero-sum) and become one with the dreamer, the Godhead, and you disappear in the proverbial puff of logic. The second option is the rare one: to realise that you are part of the Godhead, you *are* the Godhead. If everything is an extension of the same thing, and that the thing can reshape reality with a thought, being a dreamer within the dream.

Obtaining CHIM means that, very simply put, you have access to the Construction Set that can be used to mod the games, being able to recreate the realm as you see fit. The few that have CHIM don't use this ability, because they know it's pointless since they are everything at all points in forever. It is having limitless power, without the desire to us it. If you know who Doctor Manhattan is, you'll know what someone with CHIM is like. Oh, and if the Godhead wakes up, everything zero-sums and ceases to be. [[Grimdark|Sleep tight.]]

===Its the end of the World, and I feel fine===
We've mentioned a few times that the world of Nirn is slowing being destroyed by a few reason. In a normal fantasy setting this would be a terrible thing and the hero must try and stop it however the Elder Scrolls isn't a normal fantasy setting. One of the dragons, Paarthurnax mentions that when the world ends Alduin, the first born will simply make a new one.  Granted he also states liking the current one is a good enough reason to fight Alduin (that and the fact that he owns claims to every human soul not in Sovngarde and will eat them).

Also the whole the Elf races get to be gods part. 

==Gods and Deities==
Most of the gods in The Elder Scrolls are et'Ada, the race of divine beings or "original spirits" that came from the interplay of Anu and Padomay. These spirits are divided into two groups, those who came from Anu, the Aedra, and those who came from Padomay, the Daedra. There are some beings of either indeterminable origin or that reached apotheosis so that they became of power comparable to the et'Ada.

===Aedra===
The Aedra (Our ancestors in Aldmeris) are et'Ada of Anuic origin. Many of them took part in the creation of Nirn, during which they died, their essences fused together into Mundus. As such they do not have "physical" forms like the Daedra have. Yet their spirits live on in Nirn: as the gods of the world they live in every part of it. While not as powerful and focussed as their Daedric counterparts they are more widespread, worshipped and give their blessings and artifacts more freely than the Daedra. Those who created Mundus are known and worshipped as the Nine Divines, though during some periods they were known as the Eight Divines.

*Akatosh (Auriel, AKHAT) is the [[Dragon]] God of Time. He is sometimes described as a human with two heads, a dragon heads and a human head. Often the chief deity of the various religions it appears in, Akatosh is considered the first god and the keeper of time, him being Ata-Mandia Tower, the first point of creation. This creation being "I AM", the first words of Akatosh whose echoes formed free-flowing time. With the creation of Red Tower his freedom was taken from him and he was "coiled" in linear time. At the parts where he comes uncoiled the Dragon Breaks, making time once again non-linear. It is stipulated that when the other Towers came into being and life was kick-started, Akatosh went batshit bonkers and was reduced to a drooling idiot, with humans crawling out of the waters to say, copy, mock; "WE ARE, TOO". There are also theories that Akatosh's soul is fragmented into numerous beings like Alduin the World-Eater, and maybe even all of dragonkind up to and including the Dragonborn. He is the head of the Nine Divines.
*Dibella is the flower-handed (if this means that she's holding large flowers or her hands actually *being* flowers depends on the interpretation) is the Aedric goddess of love, women, the arts and asthetics. Long story short, she's a non-evil [[Slaanesh]]. The worship of Dibella is more personal than the others and is not done in masses or church: it is something personal and intimate [[Faptau|done either alone in the pursuit of love]] or beauty or the consumation of love between two (or more) people. Dibella's portfolio also includes erotic instruction, which can take the form of religious prostitution. This makes some of the cults of Dibella unpopular in some places because they (not entirely unfairly) see the faith as lewd or overly lusty, sometimes forcing the preachers of the faith to practice in secret. She is one of the Nine Divines.
*Julianos is the god of knowledge, law, history, science and, according to non-Altmer and Breton cultures, [[magic]]. The Cult of the Ancestor Moth are a group dedicated to the reading and understanding of the Elder Scrolls and hold Julianos in great reverence. After White-Gold Tower was taken by the Aldmeri Dominion the Elder Scrolls disappeared under mysterious circumstances, as of yet it is unkown if this was Julianos' doing or the machinations of the Scrolls themselves. Because of his portfolio the common man is not quick to revere Julianos, his worship being more reserved for scholars, wizards and all those in the pursuit of knowledge or understanding. He is one of the Nine Divines.
*Kynareth (Kyne, KYNRT) is the goddess of the nature, the air, the elements, rain and the heavens, the patron of sailors and travelers alike. She is the widow of Shor, who is Lorkhan, and was one of the first to agree to Lorkhan's plan for creation. It is unknown if she partook in or opposed the revenge on Lorkhan by the other et'Ada. She was the one to gift the Nords of old the power of the thu'um so that they could save themselves from Alduin's destruction. Kynareth has no churches or other large buildings in which she is worshipped: her masses are carried outdoors: on the earth and under the sky. She is one of the Nine Divines.
*Magnus was the god of magic, light, sight and insight. As the chief architect of Mundus, he is partially responsible for the creation of Nirn according Lorkhan's design. When he realised the true nature of his creation he left existence alongside his followers the Magna Ge by tearing through the border with Aetherius. This hole is currently known as the sun, the holes left by the Magna Ge as the stars. He has a number of powerful magical artifacts named after him, such as the Eye of Magnus and the Staff of Magnus. These are incredibly potent objects more than capable of destroying the world. He is not one of the Nine Divines, and does not interfere with the business of mortals on Nirn.
*Mara is the goddess of the earth, compassion, understanding and love. Unlike Dibella's intimate and carnal love Mara's love is more ''agape'' and compassionate than physical. Mara helps those who help others: those who can love will be loved in return. Depending on the religion she is either married to Akatosh or Lorkhan, or is a handmaiden to Kynareth. In Skyrim the rites of marriage are carried out in the churches of Mara, as they bind those who love each other more than anything. She is one of the Nine Divines.
*Stendarr (Stuhn, THENDR) is the god of mercy and compassion and is the protectior of Men. He serves as the inspiration of those who uphold the law and pleads for merciful judgement. But he knows when no compassion must be shown: he is the patron of the Imperial Legion and there is the order of the [[Hunter: The Reckoning|Vigilants of Stendarr]] who will smite [[Inquisition|daedra, mutants and witches]] left and right for the good of the [[empire]]. He is one of the Nine Divines.
*Zenithar (Tsun, Z'en) is the god of labor, commerce, trade and money. He is popular amongst the races of Man, for obvious reasons. In his aspect of Tsun he defended Lorkhan as the et'Ada attacked him, during which he died. His bones formed the Whalebone Bridge that leads to the Halls of Valor on [[Viking|Sovngarde, and Tsun serves as the guardian to test those who would cross it.]] [[Wat|This means that Tsun somehow stands guard over his own corpse.]] As such he is sometimes called "the god that will always win". Zenithar preaches that peace and prosperity will be attained through hard work and honest profit, not war. He is one of the Nine Divines.

===Others===
There are some that do not belong to the et'Ada yet are of similar or greater power to them. They got their powers through some kind of apotheosis, either self-granted or bestowed upon them.

*Arkay (Ark'ay, Orkey, Old Knocker) is the god of the dead, funeral rites and the cycle of nature. Amongst the races of Men his priests oversee the last rites of the dead before they are laid to rest. They also strongly oppose all forms of undead and necromancy and will lead from the fore the fight against those who do not let the dead rest. Arkay's origin is uncertain: one source claims that he is one of the spirits who gained form and thought at the beginning of time and the creation of Ata-Mandia Tower. Others claim that he once was a simple shopkeeper who spent years to decypher a book, only to discover it was a book that explained life and death itself. Near his own death he prayed to Mara for more time to grow his understanding. Instead, Mara gave him the offer to become the god that maintains the balance between life and death, which he chose. The first origin seems more likely given that he took part in the creation of Mundus, but time-meddling could make the second option true as well. And while he is not Aedra or et'Ada, he is one of the Nine Divines with similar powers and bonds to the world that his fellow Aedra have.
*Talos (Ysmir, Tiber Septim, the Dragonborn) is the patron of the [[Empire]] of Cyrodiil. It is thought that the faith of his subjects granted Talos his divinity, and only by the faith of his people will he keep it. This is what the Thalmor attempt to do in the Fourth Era by banning the faith in him: if Talos (who is Lorkhan) is unmade the Dragon can uncoil and time can once again flow freely. Tiber Septim (his Cyrodiilic name) is revered as a sort of [[god-emperor]] and invoked in many ceremonies and daily life as a figure of reverence and wisdom. For lack of others he is also seen as the patron of soldiers and those who fight for the protection of the Empire.

==Races==
[[File:Tamriel.jpg|400px|thumb|right|Tamriel, shown alongside the now sunken islands of Yokuda, the original home of the Redguards, and Pyandonea, a land inhabited by the Maormer, sea-elves.]]
Aside from the first game, there are ten playable races in the Elder Scrolls games.

*Somewhere in between generic west-Europeans and Romans, Imperials are a civilised people, yet very adapt at warfare. Many hold high positions in the bureaucracy and politics of the Empire, and form a solid core of the Imperial Legions. The original lore described the Imperial Province of Cyrodiil as being tropical, [[Skub|this was watered down in Oblivion]] [[Points_of_Light|to a more generic and acceptable setting for the masses]]. Unsurprisingly, they're the Romans of the setting. 

* The First Men of the setting. The Nords are basically non-furry [[Space Wolves]], which basically means an entire race of bloodthirsty Vikings. They're notable as the fiercest warriors in the setting. The Nords are in fact the descendants of the Nedic peoples who followed the heroic Ysgramor to the continent of Tamriel after their homeland of Atmora became embroiled in a massive [[Horus Heresy|civil war]]. They then built themselves in the area which would later be known as Skyrim. After the native Elves (who're called Falmer, or Snow Elves) decided to get uppity and tried to genocide the Nedes, Ysgramor basically got 500 of his friends together and exterminated the Elves of Skyrim with such fervor and glory that it brings even the [[Black Templars|most]] [[Space Wolves|grizzled]] [[Angry Marines|warriors]] of the [[Imperial Guard|Imperium]] weep tears of manly respect. They're basically the principle [[Khorne|Proud Warrior Race]] of the setting. And would do well in worship of Khorne if they ever got tired of the Divines. In fact, they're pretty much [[Warriors of Chaos]] who haven't turned to the Dark Gods <s>yet, but they will. Oh they will.</s> Why would a True Son or Daughter of Skyrim worship anyone other than Talos!? They're [[Space Wolves]] without the wolf fetish.

*Bretons can be described best as [[Half-Elf|half-elves]] from [[Bretonnia]]. Though the inferior elf characteristics have been bred out of race, their thin elven blood makes them adapt sorcerers. Their home province of High Rock is one of many quarreling factions, and court intrigue is a way of life. They're a mix of French and Celts. 

*The Redguard of Hammerfell are skilled warriors, though their individual independence makes them better suited as skirmishers and scouts instead of regular soldiers. They are skilled seafarers, physically more imposing than Imperials, [[Awesome|and managed to fight the Aldmeri Dominion to a standstill, something that the entire Empire managed only at the last second]]. The Redguard are the Moors to the Nord's Vikings. 

*The Bosmer seem as run of the mill Elves at first glance. Then you realise the Bosmer living in Valenwood strictly abide by the Green Pact: a code of conduit that enforces a carnivorous and cannibalistic diet, and forbids the use of vegetable matter as construction material. Resources based off animals (including humanoids!) and materials imported from outside Valenwood are an excempt from this, though.

*Altmer are more like traditional [[High Elves]]: haughty, long-lived, dismissive of the "lesser" races, and skilled mages. This, combined with that their home of Summerset Isle is the birthplace of the Aldmeri Dominion, might suggest that they are all snobbish assholes. A small number though rejects this life and lives amongst the other peoples of the Empire.

*Schisms in the Summerset Isles eventually led his followers, the Chimer, to the promised lands of Morrowind. Here they encountered the Dwemer, a race of progressive elf-kind, against whom they eventually went to war. Their eventual success and the ascension of three of their number to godhood, they were cursed by the Daedric Prince Azura, giving their skin a blue-greyish tint and bloodred eyes. By the fans, the re-christened Dunmer are often compared to the Jews, mainly because they are disliked by the other people and are forced to live together in a borderline ghetto in Skyrim. (Does that mean that Veloth is Moses? If it does, then doom on you all.)

*The Orismer, also known as [[Orcs]], are considered to be a race of Elves ([[The_Lord_of_the_Rings|which does not seem that outlandish to longtime fantasy fans]]). They are fearsome warriors who hold a place of honor in the Imperial Legion. They often had a kingdom called Orsinium, but that had a tendency to be burned to the ground by the races of man. By the point of Skyrim, they're basically living in walled off communities in the wilderness called 'Strongholds'. They're also good at blacksmithing.

*Argonians are a race of lizard people, well-spoken and skilled as both warriors and mages. Some see them as emotionless due to their limited ability to form facial expressions, yet they are a friendly and intelligent people, but they WILL fuck you up if you mess with them. Just as the Daedra when they invaded Blackmarsh.

*Khajiit vary from the other sentients more than any other race: their skeletal structure and dermal makeup make them appear as giant cats. Call them [[furries]] though, and they will end you on the spot. They are skilled desert raiders, merchants and farmers. Their prime export is Moon Sugar, a substance that can be described best as [[Doomrider|magical cocaine]]. 

There are also a number of races that, while not not playable, are rather important in the series.

*Another race of note are the Dwemer, who are basically <s>human</s>elf (meaning they're taller than humans) sized robot-building steampunk [[Dwarves]]. They have gone extinct sadly, because they were mucking about with a heart that once belonged to a god, and they accidentally erased themselves from existence when they tried to [[Warforged|build their own god, in a cave,]] [[Meme|with a mountain of scraps]]. This information, combined with the fact they were based off ancient Mesopotamia, hints at they might very well be [[Chaos Dwarves]].

*If you're wondering about the Snow Elves, after the monumental asskicking they received from Ysgramor, the sparse remains of their people fled to live with the Dwemer. Who turned them into feral cave-dwelling monstrosities (and used their souls to fuel the aforementioned robots) that are basically like the Wendol from Eaters of the Dead. Then they occupied the extinct Dwemers' fortresses.

==Games==
Though several spinoffs were made, when referring to "The Elder Scrolls" only the five central games are being referred to.

===The Elder Scrolls I: Arena===
Jagar Tharn, the Imperial Battlemage and trusted servant of the Emperor Uriel Septim VII turns evil, locks the Emperor inside Oblivion, and takes over Tamriel. His apprentice Ria Silmane discovered this and told the player, so Tharn killed the former and imprisoned the latter. Yet Silmane persisted, and helped the player escape prison and revealed how Tharn could be destroyed: by recovering the eight parts of the Staff of Chaos from all over the empire. The player succeeds, kills Tharn, returns the Emperor and all is well. This was the only game to take place in all of Tamriel.

===The Elder Scrolls II: Daggerfall===
The player, a personal friend of the Emperor, is sent to the city of Daggerfall, High Rock to investigate a haunting by the ghost of the former king. Things quickly get out of hand when you discover the Numidium, a massive golem used by Tiber Septim to gain control over Tamriel. There are several mutually exclusive endings possible; canon opted to [[what|make them all happen]] in an event called the Dragon Break, where [[FATAL|time and space took it up the ass hard]].

This game is infamous for a number of reasons. First, it's the biggest game in the history of forever: though a good bit of it is empty space, this game features a map that's twice the size of Great Britain. As in, all of it. Secondly it has more [[Tyranids|bugs than Macragge during 745.M41]] and is about as stable as a [[Card_Game|card house]] during [[Exterminatus]]. Third, dungeons are randomly generated, meaning you have [[Meme|ruins, ruins EVERYWHERE]]. Finally, the bizarre instructions. Early on in the game you get a letter from a person who wants to meet you in, say, Westfield Inn, Daggerfall. When you go to Daggerfall though, no Westfield Inn. Then you realise you have to look for the VILLAGE called Westfield Inn.

Oh, and there's a song that sounds like [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZ97I2p4_YY The Animals' House of the Rising Sun.]

===The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind===
[[File:Morrowind.jpg|300px|thumb|right|If you can explain at least 75% of what's going on on this image, you are a true fan.]]
Widely regarded to be one of the best vidjas OF ALL TIME. Taking everything good about the first two games, perfects it, [[Rule_34|raises its ass high and beckons you to make sweet, sweet love to it]]. Morrowind ships the player to the island of Vvardenfell, in the Dunmer province of Morrowind, where you are to report to the [[Snowflame|perpetually shirtless crackhead]] called Caius Cossades to investigate a [[Cultist-Chan|cult]] that is growing rapidly in size. This cult is revealed to be the doings of the Sixth House, a clan of Dunmer that was destroyed after its leader, Lord Voryn Dagoth, rebelled against Lord Indoril Nerevar, the leader of the war against the Dwemer. Nerevar died shortly afterwards (though it is unclear if he died from the wounds Dagoth inflicted on him, or that his advisors, the Tribunal, killed their lord so they could use the tools of the Dwemer to grant themselves near-divinity), and the Tribunal took over as the god-kings of the Dunmer.

Yet Dagoth did not die, and when the Tribunal returned to the site of Dagoth's defeat, the chamber the Dwemer had found the Heart of Lorkhan (the heart of a fallen god which grants them their power), Dagoth and his servants were waiting for them. Taking away two of the three tools needed to renew their powers, the Tribunal retreated and built a great barrier (the Ghostfence) to contain Dagoth and his followers. The Ghostfence drains much of the Tribunal's power, making them unable to strike at Dagoth directly. Taking the moniker of Dagoth Ur, he began to reshape his followers into monstrosities, his highest ranking followers being made akin to [[Illithid]], and corrupting the regular Dunmer through their dreams. He also unleashes the Corprus, a horrific disease that turns you into something [[Nurgle]] would approve of.

That's where you come in. A decade after the completion of the Ghostfence, on decree of the Emperor an unnamed prisoner is shipped to the island of Vvardenfell. Your co-prisoner, aside from being a total bro, one day becomes a saint by exterminating all Cliff Racers (see below). You quickly discover that you may be the Nerevarine, the reincarnation of Lord Indoril Nerevar, who killed Dagoth Ur many centuries earlier. You also catch Corprus along the way, but are cured with the side effect of making you immune to disease and basically immortal. But it takes more than that to rise up against House Dagoth: you will need to be named Nerevarine by four tribes of Ashlanders ([[Raven_Guard|native]] Dunmer who practice a nomadic life), and Hortator (war leader) by three of the Great Houses. This involves a LOT of running around and talking to people, especially with the Ashlanders and Great House Telvanni. When you have their support you are summoned by Vivec, the leader of the Tribunal, who gives you a Dwemer-made gauntlet that allows you to handle the other artifacts, Sunder and Keening, without them [[Grimdark|killing you on the spot]]. At that point you assault the citadels of the Sixth Houes, taking down Dagoth's most powerful followers, the Ash Vampires (think 7' grey-skinned completely ripped Chaos Dwarfs), and eventually Dagoth Ur himself, by way of destroying the heart of Lorkhan with the recovered Sunder and Keening. House Dagoth is once again destroyed, you walk into a clear sky, and are given a magical ring by Azura for your trouble.

What made this game an instant classic was its new and unconventional story(Dune) and setting, its many factions, beautiful environment design (giant mushroom towers ftw), its emphasis on your stats instead of your player skills (combat is more like a pen and paper RPG: there are rolls to see if you hit your enemy, and for how much damage, which severely gimps your effectiveness with warhammers if you're untrained in them, but you're very good with longswords), the metric fuckton of items you can find (there are dozens upon dozens of unique weapons, pieces of armor and magic jewelry to find, there's something for everyone), the desolate beauty of the world, the unusual creatures, taxi services provided by massive ticks, and the smug end boss.

Two expansions were made: Tribunal, where you traveled to Morrowind's capital city of Mournhold after being attacked by an [[assassin]], featuring a large city with its wide underground ruins, the wider Dwemer ruins under them, ''and the even wider Daedric ruins under them''. In Bloodmoon you travel to the frozen wastes of Solstheim, where you got to play Skyrim 9 years before Skyrim came out.

===The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion===
Emperor Uriel Septim VII and his heirs are assassinated, and it's up to the player who was unintentionally released from prison to fix that shit by finding the Emperor's last son. It was the first big-name RPG to appear on this generation's consoles, and made the Playstation 3 and Xbox 360 work for their money.

Two expansions were made: Knights of the Nine was a Heroic Fantasy story that pitted the hero against an evil [[wizard]], and Shivering Isles has the player recruited by Sheogorath, the Prince of Madness, to prevent the destruction of his realm.

[[Skub|Players felt that this game was being dumbed down for the console kiddies when compared to Morrowind, whereas the Oblivion fans claimed that Morrowind was a difficult mess of a game, unplayable due to its learning curve.]] It was kind of like the [[3e]] VS [[4e]] debate, except both games were actually cool. And both groups were right.

Has received criticism over the fact that your character is largely insignificant in the story line, and the fact that virtually all NPC dialogue sucked hard.

===The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim===
[[File:Song of Skyrim.jpg|right|500px]]
Also known as the Volsunga Saga: The Game.

You're a prisoner, but in a shocking turn of events, this time you're actually told WHY! Turns out you crossed the damn border illegally, you filthy alien (of course, if you are a Nord it's just chalked up to bullshit bureaucracy). And you're to be executed along with the a group of captured rebels called Stormcloaks, along with their Horus rip-off leader known as Ulfric Stormcloak (who is voiced by Vladimir Kullich). Before you're sent to Sovngarde (Guess what that is. Go on.), a giant dragon god named Alduin the [[World Eaters|World Eater]] decides to introduce himself to the world. [[Derp|Alduin being Akatosh's firstborn son while also being his aspect and also being him... it's a bit complicated like that.]]

Anyway, you escape and after much badass manly Viking dragonslaying, you figure out that you're the translated foreign word, much like in Morrowind. This week, you're the Dovahkiin, [[Dragonborn|DRAGONBORN]]! With the power of the THU'UM! The ability to project your vital essence into a magic shout in the Dragon tongue! So yes, fighting a dragon is basically one big fucking debate (HA! You fucking wish it was with an Ancient Dragon on Expert difficulty). The only way this could be more awesome is if you can beat dragons in drinking fights.

Oh yes, and you can be a man and join up with the rebel Stormcloaks (as any true Nord would do), or join the Imperial Legion and hold on to what remains of the empire. The Empire used to be [[STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM|cool]], but now it's run by some nasally old man and his manfaced bitch second-in-command. Though the actual Emperor is still pretty cool, and has the same hammy voice of the Guards of Oblivion. YES!! You can also join up with the less generic fighter's group in this game called the Companions, and thus gain one of the best [[Khorne|battleaxes]] in the game; [[Awesome|Wuuthrad]]. Which is an elf-killing battleaxe wielded by the father of of the Nordic people. There are also the other guilds such as the College of Winterhold (Mages guild), the Thieves Guild (speaks for itself), and the Dark Brotherhood (assassins guild).

==Memes==

[[File:Lusty_Agronian.png|250px|thumb|right|The reactions of players everywhere to the sequel of The Lusty Argonian Maid.]]
Like [[Dawn of War]], The Elder Scrolls have spawned a considerable amount of memes.
*HALT HALT HALT HALT. The guards from Daggerfall shout this when you're running from them: it should have been a single HALT, but due to bugs it keeps being looped.
*N'WAH! Shouted by Dunmer in Morrowind onwards. Since you fight a lot of Dunmer in Morrowind, you hear this one a lot.
*[[STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM]] is Oblivion's most popular meme, and has its own page.
*If you become the champion of the arena in Oblivion, you can be followed around by the Adoring Fan: a Bosmer with an ugly as fuck haircut. He is often taken to Dive Rock, a location with one of the game's deepest drops, and kicked off.
*Cliff Racers are one of THE most infamous enemies in gaming. They're flying reptile things that move faster than you do (without exploits), descend upon you making a godawful sound, and wail on you until you kill them. Jiub, the guy who wakes you up at the beginning of Morrowind, became a Saint of the Tribunal Temple after killing them all.
*Mudcrabs are somewhat of a meme on their own, but in Oblivion they are a frequent subject of discussions between people having seen and avoiding them.
*The Lusty Argonian Maid is a play written by Crassius Curio, a noble of Great House Hlaalu. He is famous for his rather... forwardness with the player (he'll only sponsor you in House Hlaalu if you strip down for him, and will support the Hortator only after a kiss). He is the author of The Lusty Argonian Maid, an infamous work involving an [[Dragonborn|Argonian]] [[Maid_RPG|maid]] [[Slaanesh|polishing]] the "[[Brundlepenis|spear]]" of her (self-insert)master. There's a sequel in Skyrim involving a "[[Brundlepenis|loaf]]" "[[Squad_broken|sating]]" the "[[Love_Bloomed_In_Her_Mouth|appetite]]" of the maid's "[[Daemonette|mistress]]". The latest Skyrim DLC adds in a book in the same style called "The Sultry Argonian Bard" about a "private performance" of the title characters "delicate instrument".
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jq9TnI7ssTU Wonderful! Time for a celebration! Cheese... FOR EVERYONE!] Shouted by Sheogorath during the Shivering Isles main quest.
*FUS RO DAH! is the first Dragon Shout you learn in Skyrim (well, you learn "Fus;" "Ro" and "Dah" come later).  It means "unrelenting force," and it's basically a Force push.  It is highly effective against pretty much anything, especially if it's got a cliff behind it.
*{{anchor|Then I took an arrow in the knee}}"I used to be an adventurer like you; then I took an arrow in the knee" is one of the pieces of random dialogue that any [[NPC]] guard in Skyrim can say when spoken to, or when you just happen to pass too close to them and they feel like chatting, and a version exists for each different guard voice-set. As a result, while playing Skyrim, you will hear from an awful lot of guards, from all over Skyrim, both male and female, that their promising adventuring careers were cut short by crippling knee-related injuries. The frequent use of the phrase inspired a derived meme wherein it is declared that "I used to X; then I took an arrow in the knee" (sometimes using the line as an interruption to an existing text which happens to contain a line fitting the format).  The joke took the form of plaintext or image macros and briefly made the rounds on the internet (including, of course, [[/tg/]]) due to Skyrim's massive popularity.  It wishes it were as cool as Oblivion's "[[STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM]]". (As a matter of fact is actually a metaphor for being married.)
*Have you seen those warriors from Hammerfell? They've got curved swords. Curved. Swords. Currrrrved. Sworrrrrrds. Guards from across Skyrim will repeatedly inform you about these currrrrved sworrrrrrds as if it's some kind of hypnotic suggestion. Or just plain [[Slaanesh|suggestion]]
.

==See also==
*[[Scrollhammer]]: if the Elder Scrolls and Warhammer had a bastard son, it would probably be like this.

[[Category:Video Games]]