Editing The Metal Bard Band

In a thread for general stories, an Anon posted a series of tales about a group he DM'd for. 


== Prologue ==

>Taking a break from our more serious campaign. Tell them to make level 20 characters.

>They come in next week

>Wonder to myself why they keep chuckling

>They pass me their sheets

>Bard

>Bard

>...Bard

>...Another Bard?

>Players planned to bring an all-bard party to the campaign, idea is that they're a metal band

>Start to pull out new sheets after they've had their giggle

>I stop them

>"Nah man, we're doing this shit."

The resulting campaign lasted only 4 weeks, and ended in several destroyed cities, a lot of dead civilians, and an epic music battle that split the heavens and nearly destroyed the world from sheer METAL.

Best part is, out of the five of us, only one actually listens to metal, so all we were doing was playing Metalocalypse: Pathfinder edition.

>Player 1: The Dwarven Drummer. Bald, big red beard, and played the drums with warhammers. His drums were custom made just so he didn't break them with his hammers. Had something like 6 INT.

>Player 2: Half-Orc Vocalist. Had black hair, no pupil in his left eye, and had a very deep and guttural voice. Think Nathan from Metalocalypse (I actually heard later that Metalocalypse actually was what gave them the idea for the party).

>Player 3: Half-Elf Bass Player. Had really long brown hair that covered his face. Not like that curtain hairdo that covers your eyes, the only part of his face you could see was his nose and ears sticking out from underneath. Had the highest INT in the party, and had a degree in Arcane Studies from the Mage university.

>Player 4: The Human Guitarist. Now, in a party like this, you may think a human would seem kinda plain compared to the others. And normally you'd be right, except for one thing: the human was the craziest motherfucker in the bunch. The others would occasionally do crazy stuff like drink blood from a bat because it was "metal", but this guy? This fucker would rip it's head off, chug the blood, then eat the body and throw the head out for the crowd. The player wasn't edgy, he purposefully made the character edgy because it was, tongue in cheek, "Metal".


== The Band Versus the Succubi Groupies ==

>This is about mid-game

>The band started off kinda famous, but by now they're all the rage in this world

>One night, after a particularly good concert (Nat 20, the front row passed out from sheer METAL overdose), the band gets a visit backstage from some cute girls, about eight of them

>The result is what you'd expect from a party of level 20 bards

>The next morning, after a fade to black, three of the party members wake up next to two girls from yesterday

>Half-Orc tells them "You're still here? If I'm awake, you need to be gone."

>I tell him "You try to speak, but nothing comes out"

>For you see, these groupies were all succubi. But rather than losing their souls or getting negative levels, they lost there ability to play music.

>That means the Orc can't talk, the Dwarf is too weak to lift his warhammers, and the Human forgot how to play the guitar

>Cue collective "Oh Shit!"

>Succubi groupies laugh at them, and reveal that they were hired by someone with a bad grudge against them. On his orders, they stole their ability to play music.

>LaughingSuccubiBitches.jpeg

>Leave them there to go check on their sisters who went with the Half-Elf.

>Pass note to Half-Elf player, he laughs.

>Others grab their weapons and run after them

>Find the eight standing dumbfounded outside the Half-Elf's door

>He's sitting there tunning his bass, like nothing happened.

>Two succubi are in bed, looking very satisfied.

>"S-sisters?! What happened, why can he still play?"

>"We can't do it sisters, he'd too dreamy..."

>Half-elf looks up for the first time. Just nods and goes back to tuning his instrument.

>Meanwhile, the others decide now's as good a chance as any to attack

>Human grabs one by the collar and demands they return their talent.

>"Never! Not in a million years!"

>Half-Elf gets up for the first time since the battle started, tells the party he'll "Handle it."

>They leave, a bit confused

>Thirty minutes later, they walk back in and find the Half-elf tuning his bass while the succubi are all lying on the ground.

>Party's like "Shit man, how did you do it?"

>Shrugs "I just pulled my hair out of the way so they could hear me better and talked reason into them"

>"Wait, you just...talked?"

>"Yeah man, what else am I gonna do with a bunch of succubus ladies I barely know?"

>One of the almost passed out succubi "He's so gorgeous..."

>The succubi end up returning their talent.

>They stay with the band for the rest of the campaign

>No one ever finds out who sent them, no one ever cares

>On the rare occasions the party needed to solve problems peacefully, the Half-elf handled it from then on.

== The Band Plays for the Elf Queen ==

>The party has just become famous around the world

>Tales of their unique brand of music spreads to every corner of the world

>Thing is, those that haven't actually been to a concert don't really know what kind of music they're playing, just that they're very famous and very good.

>They get an invitation from the Elf Queen to play for her birthday party

>Elves are expecting high-class maestros, playing the lute or something like that.

>Instead, they find a bunch of grungy looking guys kicking in the palace door and carrying these weird instruments.

>Elves decide to give them a chance, at least.

>Party sets up

>Begin playing a very loud song that pretty much amounted to "BURNING TREES, SCORCHING LANDS, MURDERMURDERMURDERMURDER"

>I roll a % die with a chart I had ready to see what incidents they cause

>Fucking 1, which means EVERYTHING on the chart happens

>The song is so loud it shatters glass and blows back everyone's hair in the front row

>All the windows shatter

>The ice sculpture falls down and hits a table, launching the contents across the room

>Food lands all over the queen and her nobles

>Waiter walking past slips on the spilled food and the plate he's carrying goes flying into the air

>The platter gonks the assassin I had hiding in the rafters on the head, he falls head first and gets knocked out. The guards later carried him off.

>End of the song

>The whole room is a disaster now, looks like a tornado ran threw, backed up, then ran threw again

>"So how did we do?"

>Oh right, they were supposed to roll perform

>Got something over 30

>The whole room is dead fucking silent.

>And then the queen starts the slow clap

>Everyone joins in

>The queen finds them later and tells them that was the best performance she'd ever heard

>She later funds an academy for aspiring metal musicians

>Metal becomes a favorite among elves

>The band writes their new national anthem


== The Band Sees the Half-Elf's Face ==

>After succubus incident but before final showdown with Kryton.

>The Half-Elf has been using his diplomacy a lot more now

>Party is now curious, asks to see his face

>Shrugs, move his hair out of the way

>Ask for Will save

>Everyone fails

>I make it fade to black

>Hours later, everyone wakes up from being passed out

>No one can remember what they saw, just that it was amazing.



Later, everyone ran into the Half-Elf's family. They all were exactly the same, hair so long you couldn't see their face, and I made them roll a will save whenever they tried to look at their faces.

Except for is older sister. She was the only one without long hair, and she was ugly enough to give negative levels if you stared too long. She wore a bag over her head.



== The Band's Last Concert ==

>Band gets another invite for a concert

>Pay is 3 million platinum

>Takes place deep undergound, in a remote area, and the guy who gave them the invite is wearing a cloak, hunchbacked, and keeps cackling

>Obviously suspicious, but they go anyways because most of them are fucking stupid IC.

>The get there and there are about 20 other people there

>Stage is already set, and there's this weird sigil drawn around the stage

>For...atmosphere

>Now the band is starting to realize this is kinda sketchy

>They go anyways though when the culti-I mean, patrons toss them a bag of 100 platinum up front

>When they finish their song, the earth begins to rumble

>Lightning begins to spark inside the cave

>The patrons are all gasping and pointing, "HE COMES!"

>Suddenly they hear the sound of hooves and guitar out of nowhere

>Then a dark figure breaks through the bottom of the stage and flies above them.

>The sounds of an atomic guitar echoes throughout the cave, and suddenly the cultists start dropping dead.

>The dark figure points his guitar at the roof, and a beam of dark energy flies from his guitar and clears a whole in the roof of the cave, which he flies out.

>The dwarf: "...So we're still getting paid, right?"

>Coughing mixed with laughter from a surviving cultist "Hahaha *hack hack*, money won't do you any good now, for our lord has returned!"

>Turns out their patrons were a Death Metal Cult, and that dark figure was their god

>"Soon, all will bow before Kryton, the Lord of Metal...gaaaaaah..."

>Long silence

>"...Alright, lets go get our pay from that Kryton guy then."

>They head for the nearest town thinking Kryton may have gone there

>Sure enough, they see smoke in the distance

>The town is burnt down, and the townsfolk are all dead in the streets, some smiling, some terrified, and some had their faces melted completely off.

>The sound of a guitar can be heard in the distance

>Band investigates

>There they see a man in heavy black armor, flying on a skeleton horse and playing a guitar the also works as a greatsword.

>When they approach, he stops playing and turns to them. His red eyes stare coldly at them as they approach

>"Who dares to approach Kryton, the Lord of all that is Metal?"

>The Human steps forward

>"The new lords of metal, now where's our platinum"

>Roaring laughter

>"You peons are not worthy of the title. You are weak, your metal is weak, and you stand no chance against me."

>Well, they react about as well as you'd expect. Initiative is rolled.

We homeruled in that game that armor didn't get in the way of bard spells because this was just a short campaign we were doing for shits and giggles. The party was pretty tough despite being all bards, but Kryton...Kryton and his 20 STR, 28 CHA, and +44 Perform absolutely swept them away.

>Band on the brink of death

>Kryton steps over them and readies his guitar-greatsword.

>"Weak. Now listen to me, as I play the songs of your deaths."

>Kryton uses Deadly Performance

>Everyone fails their save

>The band is dead

>Suddenly, the band sees a light in a dark hallway

>It gets closer, and reveals the shape of a collosal dwarf in viking garb, holding drum sticks.

>It is the God of Metal, come before the band.

>"Listen well, my sons. You have done well in this world, but you are no match for Kryton at this time, his metal is too brutal for any mere mortal to withstand. And so, I shall give you a second chance. Return to the Earth with my blessing, and stop Kryton no matter what."

>The Dwarf: "Will we get paid if we do?"

>The God of metal laughs. "Of course you will."

>The band has found their resolve!

>They come back to life again, just as Kryton is starting to leave.



>"You again? Must I send you to the other world once more?"

>The band picks themselves up, picks up their instruments, and begins to play.

>Perform rolls

>14, 10, 18, 17

>Kryton is taken aback at the band's newfound power, and almost loses his footing.

>No words now, only METAL

>Kryton begins to play. Rolls a 16

>Pretty close after the buffs I gave them from the god's power up

>Kryton summons a small band of undead to play the drums, bass, etc. He does Guitar and vocals.

>They play so well the buildings around them are blown away

>Trees bend away from them and are uprooted by the force of their METAL

>The battle takes to the skies, as Kryton mounts his horse and flies away

>The band flies after him

>Mid air musical combat as the clouds grow dark and lightning crackles around them

>Perform rolls again

>One of them ties Kryton Can't remember the exact number, but it was somewhere in the fifties

>The song intensifies, fire flies from Krytons fingertips as he plays the guitar

>The plants begin to wilt at the overflow of energy

>Any people within 100 miles is turned to ash

>The earth below them cracks and demons fly out and circle around Kryton

>The heavens split and a host of valkyries come to the Band's aid, fighting off the demons as the two sides continue to play

>One more perform roll

>The human Nat 20s

>Kryton gets a 19

>Hit a guitar solo

>Slowly but surely, the Human begins to overpower Kryton

>"I-Impossible! I am Krytone! I AM THE LORD OF METAL!"

>End of guitar solo

>The band plays together

>Krytons undead can't handle it and are destroyed

>Kryton is disintegrated by the band's overwhelming power

>As they finish the song, new life begins to grow where the plants died, and the disintegrated come back to life

>The band was then taken in by the God of Metal to be his heralds. They essentially become demi-gods

>They finally do get that 3 million platinum

>They blow it all on booze and coke