Editing Warhammer Adventures

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'''Warhammer Adventures''' is a series of Young Adult (ages 8 to 12) novels published by [[Black Library]] and based on [[Age of Sigmar]] and [[Warhammer 40,000 8th edition]]. Each novel will feature a group of children going on ''amazing adventures,'' like in every young adult novel ever released. Given that this generic plot template is being applied by freelance writers with little to no experience writing for Warhammer to settings filled with overpowered capeshit assholes and overpowered grimderp assholes, respectively, expect canon rape to ensue. The whole series has been described by Black Library in a Facebook comment as: "The Grim Darkness of the far future, but with a nightlight on".

Fucking fantastic. The death threats have already started rolling in, by the way.

==Novels==
===Warped Galaxies (40k)===
*''Attack of the Necron'' by [[wikipedia:Cavan Scott|Cavan Scott]]
===Realm Quest (Age of Sigmar)===
*''City of Lifestone'' by <strike>Loki</strike> Tom Huddleston

==Characters==
Something you'll notice is that both settings follow a particular set of generic token characters: a peace-loving leader, a brash misfit of a brawler, and a prodigal artisan. Who, despite never going past their teenage years, are somehow just as, if not more, proficient as full-grown professionals in their settings.

Yep, the writers have teenage fanfic-tier writing abilities. Except this is an officially-endorsed novel by GW and not something you dug out of the crusty underbelly of Deviant Art or fanfiction.net, that you read for laughs.

=== 40k ===
'''Zelia:''' The female leader (and also the token black) that every young adult novel seems legally required to have these days. A young daughter of an [[Rogue Trader|galactic explorer]], she [[Heresy|helps her mom dig up ancient alien artifacts]] and [[Derp|hates weapons in a setting where everything that's alien and most things that aren't actively try to kill you.]] Instead she believes that the best way to overcome fear is by [[Magnus|learning]] (while this does hold some merit, [[H.P. Lovecraft|WH40K exists in a universe where learning the truth about your surroundings is more likely to drive you insane with paranoia and hopelessness without an iron will]]). Voted most likely to be slowly tortured to death by the [[Inquisition]] for seeking out [[Chaos|the truth]], kill herself after learning about the countless empyrean horrors the Imperium are hiding from their citizens, or just straight-out be possessed by a daemon out of ignorant curiosity. That or [[Eldar|incinerated]], [[Tyranids|devoured]], [[Orks|chopped/shot into oblivion]], [[Necron|vaporized]], [[Dark Eldar|thrust into places best not described]], and/or [[Tau|re-educated into a new way of servitude]], once she inevitably encounters the numerous other aliens who will probably just laugh at her sentiments about learning before getting to business. 

'''Talen:''' The son of an [[Imperial Guard|Imperial Guard officer]], Talen decided to run away from home to [[Heresy|avoid military conscription]] and became a hive ganger. He's fairly aggressive and kind of a brute; however, that is offset by his [[noblebright|loyalty to his friends]]. Expect someone to make a greenstuff version of him as a [[Necromunda]] Juve. He carries around a [[miniature|toy Soldier]] which is one of the only reminders he has of his older brother who went off to war. All in all, the only character whose preview is not a fluff-rape of [[C.S. Goto|multilasered]] proportions. It would be ironic if his gang got conscripted by the Imperial Guard anyway, as they are wont to do - he just better hope that the commissar never finds out about the whole desertion thing, because getting a laspistol to the face is the least of his worries for the crime of desertion.

'''Mekki:''' Pretty much your average [[Techpriest]] but younger. He hails from [[Mars]] and is described as an [[Heretek|inventor]]  due to his creation of a small robotic swarm that assist him with certain duties (something only the most radical of techpriests would not take offense to. [[Men of Iron|"Suffer not the machine to think"]]). His right arm is paralyzed so instead of doing the normal, cool Mechanicus thing and replacing it with cybernetics he decides to just build a brace to help him move it. Omnissiah only knows why he wasn't forcefully re-purposed as a [[servitor]] for his blatant tech-heresy yet, that would twist the metallic nipples and tangle red britches the of any tech-priest attending to him. This goes double as this is post-Great Rift, when Guilliman's protection of Cawl's tech heresies has the AdMech on edge, on Mars no less.

'''[[Space Marines]]:''' Here as usual. Depicted in [[Primaris Marines|Primary-sue]] armour, so this bright and happy tale is happening post-[[Great Rift]]. Naturally, they're using the [[Ultramarines|Ultrasmurfs]], as they're "[[Matt Ward|bravest of all the heroic Space Marines]]", and not because they're just the most easily recognizable Chapter that gets the most publicity, honest.

'''[[Necrons]]:''' The cold and unfeeling "enslaving tyrants" we all know and purge, probably chosen because killing robots is much more family-friendly than shooting at living things, and some of their weapons kill cleanly too (except Gauss weapons - that flay their targets layer by layer at the subatomic level and nearly every melee weapon they have - let's not get started on the Flayed Ones). Them keeping slaves can be brushed off as an individual Phaeron's insanity, as there are dynasties who enjoy having slave/pet races, and some of those living under their thumb [[Heresy|even enjoy decent living standards]] as Necrons have no need for manual slave work with their techno-sorcery. Of course, [[Nemesor Zahndrekh|every]] [[Illuminor Szeras|canon]] [[Trazyn the Infinite|Necron]] that ''does'' take prisoners does so for reasons such as [[Grimdark|personal insanity, acquiring test subjects for deadly experiments or to have them <s> frozen in Carbonite </s> trapped forever as a living diorama]].

=== Age of Sigmar ===

'''Elio:''' Token black kid from the realm of life. His medical skills are "second to none", presumably among his age bracket of a mere 14 years. Obsessive about plants, but apparently interested in all critters great and small, up to and including monsters like [[manticore]]s. Also, he's not much of a fighter - because that's not a concern with giant man-eating monsters, right?

'''Alish:''' A 12 year old from the Realm of Light, who is "restless, inquisitive and highly intelligent" and has the instinctive ability to repair "almost any mechanical device". She also loves inventing and has apparently designed and built everything from clocks to airships, despite being 12. Mary Sue classic. And to make her extra stupid, the one thing she refuses to build is weapons, despite A) walking around with a sodding huge hammer and B) living in the monster and barbarian filled world of AoS where access to weapons can and will save lives. Basically Zelia, but in fantasy.

'''Kiri:''' At fifteen, she seems to be the oldest of the bunch, coming from the realm of metal. Kiri is "as strong and steadfast as steel" who was raised in the barbarian slave camps of Aqshy (because the whole character would probably have been a lot different if it was a Slanneshi warband) where she learned to fight as soon as she could walk. "Somehow this harsh life hasn't made her cruel or resentful" - direct quote, and we're pretty bloody surprised too. She uses a slingshot. She fought in chaos gladiator pits '''and won''' with a ''slingshot.'' (It's clearly a David and Goliath reference, to be fair, but even then we are expected to believe that some 15 year old with a slingshot survived multiple rounds of frenzied gladiators, using a kid's slingshot instead of a proper war [[sling]].)

'''[[Stormcast Eternals]]:''' As they are. Nothing particularly odd or inaccurate in their bio blurb - they even mentioned the whole "died and was reborn" bit.

'''Darkoath Barbarians:''' One of many tribes serving <s>[[Chaos]]</s> [[Derp|the forces of Evil]] (they're probably lumping all non-Order Grand Alliances into one big "bad guys" group, because Order ''totally'' lacks [[Drycha|any]] [[Daughters of Khaine|dark]] [[Idoneth Deepkin|side]]). Plundering, pillaging, enslaving... typical villain stuff. Their name is still less stupid than 99% of what GW Legal's shat out, though.

==Reception==
Initial reception has been [[Skub|polarizing]] , to say the least. Many consider this series a futile attempt to dilute the grimdarkness of both Warhammer settings to try and appeal to a younger demographic, with the slim but worrying possibility of the dumbing-down and "modern" approach to writing working its way into the setting proper in a greedy lunge for Daddy's credit card. ([[End Times|It's not like GW isn't known for terrible ideas, after all.]]) Characters hating guns, gleefully searching xenotech and running away from conscription in 40k certainly don't give people that much confidence, leading to pointed questions regarding how they would deal with darker groups like Dark Eldar/Elves, Chaos, Undead or Tyranids; when asked, Black Library deflected the question or gave non-answers to the effect of "very carefully." There's also the argument that many kids prefer fantasizing about character older than them, and that by making the protagonist kids, they are invariably just making it corny and unappealing to the very audience they want to attract.

Defenders argue that this could be an opportunity to flesh out groups and aspects of the setting that often get ignored, showing positive aspects of the galaxy in a setting so focused on grimdark. (Except that this doesn't automatically mean watering down the setting, as evidenced by the [[Ciaphas Cain]] novels.) There's also the possibility of new mini-lines being produced, probably somewhat cheaper than the mainline series to not scare children (or their parents) away, which could help flesh out the more neglected armies, assuming they don't just keep drowning us in Spacesigmarines and Stormhammer shit because that's what Marketing wants to sell. There’s also no guarantee that kids who adopt these new books will make the transition to mainstream 40k, especially if the two IPs remain radically different.

Considering that GW themselves have said that their ideal demographic is “an intelligent 18 year old,” it's somewhat baffling why they’ve chosen to write for a demographic so young. At best, they should have started with young teens, giving them more room to stay closer to the grimdark of 40k while still being able to pull back. Perhaps their reasoning is that younger kids are easier to sell merchandise to, which is probably true if properties like Skylanders are anything to go by. That being said, we don’t know what’s GW’s long-term strategies are for drawing in and maintaining this younger demographic, or what the parent’s reactions will be when their kids start screaming “BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD” or “HERESY” at every opportunity. 

And let's face it, few people under the age of 20 are willing to read anything longer than a Reddit thread these days, so the chances of a kid of the appropriate age picking it out in the store (as opposed to being forced to read it by an authority figure) are pretty slim.

Ultimately, market performance alone will probably put an early end to Warhammer Adventures. Expect a few months, maybe a year, to go by of ''nobody'' buying it, either for their kids or [[Heresy|themselves]], after which GW will probably just sheepishly sweep their little failed experiment under the rug and follow our lead in pretending it never existed. Considering just how smartly GW's been handling their relationship with the fanbase lately, it's actually hard to imagine them just bulling forward with such a stupid idea once it becomes clear that nobody's interested.

==How to fix it==
Since by this point we already know GeeDubs read this wiki (we are still not sure how much of what we post here is taken seriously anyway) we may like to point a few things Black Library could do to make Warhammer Adventures more palatable for everyone:
* Go full Discworld, while sadly Terry Pratchett is no longer with us (he would have been ideal for this sort of job) he left a lot of literary work BL can base upon to make the Warhammer Adventures hilarious for all ages while still keeping the action and fantasy elements as well as the social commentary.
* Enforce the cartoonish and self-parodic elements of the Warhammer verse, in other words, bring on the orks, work the more comedic elements of Tzeentch and give some focus to the Skaven since they make for great enemies.
* Contact Sandy Mitchell, since we no longer have Pratchett, he may be the next best option, his Cain's stories are funny while still keeping the right level of grimdarkness.
* Take note of Cartoon Network and Nickelodeon most popular cartoons, so, you got this mechanicus kid? Fine, we expect him to be a Dexter expy (using a Dreadknight of course), that other boy is a hotshot? Good, we got Finn in a Death World, you get the idea.


==Gallery of Memes==
One of the few good things to spring from the announcement of Warhammer Adventures is the number of lulzy images produced by /tg/ as anons interpret what little they know in their own "unique" way.
<gallery>
File:WHAdventuresWTF.jpg|Everyone's first reaction upon reading Zelia's bio
File:WHA-Commissar.jpg|The Commissar's first reaction upon reading Talen's bio
File:WHA-Mekki.gif|The Mechanicus' first reaction upon reading Mekki's bio
File:WHA-TheNecroning.png|How the Necron book is most likely going to end
File:WHA-ChaosSchoolbus.jpg|"Hey kids! Today we're going to learn about MURDERFUCKING!"
File:WHA-Scooby.jpg|"Jeepers! It was old man Abbadon the whole time!"
File:Warhammer Adventures.jpg|They ripped-off the rip-off!
File:WHA-Thanos.jpeg|This is why you don't play in front of the anti-tank guns, kids.
File:90EE3FA4-8EF1-43A7-AE7A-6CC30E92D56D.jpeg|Preview of the upcoming Dark Eldar Book (the next line is "I've got candy").
File:Look_what_i_found_mom%2C_an_alien%21.jpg| Look what I found, mom, an alien! Can we keep it?
File:WHA-ZeliaLore.jpg|Lore-friendly Zelia
File:WHA-TalenLore.jpg|Lore-friendly Talen
File:WHA-MekkiLore.jpg|Lore-friendly Mekki
File:Warhammer adventures.jpg|A sneak peek into the secret psyker character.
File:WHA-Chaos.jpg|"The spiky guy said he'd take us all over the galaxy, surely we can trust him!"
</gallery>
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[[Category:Age of Sigmar]]
[[Category:Black Library]]
[[Category:Warhammer 40,000]]