Editing Assholetep (section)

== Anecdotes ==

>Wakes up.<br>
>[[Orks]] looted his favorite [[Necron Staff Weapons#Staff of Light|Staff of Light]].<br>
>Teleports his entire Tombworld's forces to fight a massive WAAAGH!!! three sectors over.<br>
>IG happen to be fighting the Orks.<br>
>Helps them.<br>
>At victory party.<br>
>Planetary-Governor doesn't compliment his new cloak.<br>
>Entire sub-sector devoid of all life the next week.
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>Fighting [[Tyranids]].<br>
>[[Ripper]]s won't let him keep them as pets.<br>
>To this day, nobody knows what has been cutting a bloody path through [[Hive Fleet Kraken]].
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>It's his birthday.<br>
>The Feudal World that hasn't had contact from space in thousands of years forgot.<br>
>Entire population butchered.<br>
>[[Flayed Ones]] dance around in rotting flesh and party hats.
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>At victory Banquet after fending off [[Hive Fleet Gorgon]] at Ka'mais.<br>
>Nobody lets him ride in a [[XV-8 Crisis Battlesuit|Crisis Suit]].<br>
>MFW we know the real reason for the Harvest of Ka'mais.
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>Helps [[IG]] fight [[Chaos]] for rule over a planet.<br>
>Weeks into the campaign.<br>
>Lord [[Commissar]] mispronounces his name.<br>
>The [[Daemon Prince]] Valshar now rules over Ciruck IV.
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>Gives [[Magos|Arch-Magos]] new shiny [[Necrodermis]] body.<br>
>Becomes most trusted advisor.<br>
>Years later.<br>
>Forgets to polish his Res Orb for him.<br>
>Magos is melted down and turned into [[Scarab]]s. The forgeworld where he grew up is obliterated.
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>[[Adeptus Mechanicus|Admech]] find Assholetep in stasis.<br>
>Praises him and write legends about him.<br>
>Thousands of years later they forget.<br>
>He finds records when he wakes up.<br>
>They haven't edited his page on Admechpedia in 12000 years.<br>
>All [[Forge World|forgeworlds]] in the next five sectors melted to a molten goo.
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>[[Hive world]] is under attack by 'Nids.<br>
>He sees the world being demolished and decides to help.<br>
>After a month of hard combat the 'Nids are all eradicated.<br>
>The citizens thank the lord and ask what he would like in return.<br>
>He asks for a solid gold statue of himself erected in the center of the major city.<br>
>They comply.<br>
>He inspects the work and finds a .5% impurity of silver in the statue.<br>
>The hive world is now a dead world.
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>Assholetep helping a Forgeworld.<br>
>One of their [[Titan (Warhammer 40,000)|Titan]]s steps on a single Scarab.<br>
>"What do you mean an entire Titan Legion was eaten by bugs"?
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>His Tomb Ships assist a fleet based Chapter fight off some [[Dark Eldar]].<br>
>Battle Barge cuts in front of them by accident.<br>
>The Space Hawk Chapter no longer exists
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>Assholetep fights a [[Khorne|Khornate]] [[daemon|daemonic]] incursion alongside the [[Space Marine Chapter|Space Marines Chapter]], the Knights Sanguine<br>
>During the fight, a member of an [[Assault Squad]] accidentally rips Assholetep's cloak with his Lightning claws<br>
>The entire Knights Sanguine chapter and their Fortress Monastery are vapourised<br>
>Every Blood Angels chapter receives a vid-capture of Assholetep in a new cloak made from the Purity Seals of the now-extinct chapter, with every mention of the Emperor crossed out and replaced with Assholetep's name<br>
>The Imperium censors it and hides all evidence, saying the Knights Sanguine were "consumed by war"<br>
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>Harvesting residents of a local [[Feral World]]<br>
>Hears Feral Child has insulted him<br>
>Entire human population besides the child is killed<br>
>The last image of a sentient creature the child sees is Assholetep mooning him
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>Assholetep is one of the few remaining Lords wearing the original attire<br>
>Always made fun of<br>
>Goes around blowing up other sleeping Tomb Worlds out of spite<br>
>Whispers "Faggots" under his breath every time
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>Assholetep meets with some Admech<br>
>They compliment him on his wonderful [[Particle Weapons#Particle Whip|Particle Whip]]<br>
>Entire Admech presence in five sectors destroyed since they confused his Staff of Light for a Particle Whip
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>All hot women in a one light year radius suddenly absent from their homes<br>
>Sweet millions-strong rave party on Assholetep's tomb world<br>
>Assholetep tries to score with the [[Hot Chicks|hottest chick]] at the party<br>
>She points out he doesn't have a penis<br>
>Thus did the Great Raveocaust begin
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>Assholetep meets [[Angron]] sometime during the 30,000s<br>
>Both end up severely pissing the other off<br>
>Angron goes on to fuck up Armageddon's shit and thus starting a game of one-upsmanship<br>
>Angron returns from the [[warp]] after one hundred years of being trapped in it, only to find Assholetep waiting for him<br>
>Angron is still unable to return from the warp.
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>[[Dark Eldar]] try to settle outside of [[Commoragh]] and bump into Assholetep<br>
>Assholetep wants them to compliment his new set of spikes<br>
>Dark Eldar call him not spiky enough<br>
>Ever since then the Dark Eldar have never tried to settle outside of Commorragh again
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"Hey, Assholetep what are you doing with that [[Tachyon Arrow|tachyon arrow]]?"

"Just trying something. Watch."

And so Assholetep shot the tachyon arrow way into the past and into the [[Emperor]]'s back, who had just finished [[Horus]] off without a scratch and would have led humanity into a new and golden age of prosperity.

What an asshole.
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>[[Silent King]] arrives at Assholetep's tomb world <br>
>Talks about saving the living and reunifining the Necrons<br>
>Forgets Assholetep's name <br>
>Tyranids are guided by an unseen force and 'om nom 50% of humanity two weeks later <br>
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>Assholetep meets some Orkz. <br>
>They make fun of his [[hat]]. <br>
>All Orkz in the sector now have their asses sewn onto their heads. <br>
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>Assholetep meets [[Cryptek]]. <br>
>Cryptek refuses to let him have a turn with his gadgets. <br>
>Science is now outlawed in the Dynasty of Dikh-Ehd. <br>
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>Butchering Dark Eldar <br>
>Dark Eldar youth throws shoe at his face. <br>
>[[Flayed Ones]], Flayed Ones everywhere! <br>
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>[[Angry Marines]] and Assholetep's destroyers get into an arguing match over who killed the most [[Tau]]. <br>
>It was a tie. <br>
>They proceeded to go to the next world to try to break the tie. <br>
>There are no more Tau.<br>
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>[[Blood Ravens]] are "gifted" wargear from Assholetep.<br>
>They found out they couldn't use it.<br>
>They return the Cryptech to him.<br>
>One has a smudge.<br>
>[[Necrons]] confirmed for [[Dawn of War III|DoWIII]].<br>
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>Wake up Assholetep.<br>
>"I could ask you for immortality, but that sounds boring, wanna go pick up some [[bitches]]"<br>
>Thus reminding him he doesn't have a penis anymore.<br>
>your death would make [[Slaanesh]]i daemons wince.<br>
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>Decides he wants a puppy.<br>
>Goes to [[Fenris]].<br>
>[[Logan Grimnar]] refuses to wear his leash.<br>
>Now we know why all of the cyber [[Fenrisian Wolf|wolves]] need replacement limbs.<br>
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>[[Imperial]] hive world in the final stages of Tyranid invasion.<br>
>Assholetep decides to intervene.<br>
>After many months, 'Nids are finally repelled.<br>
>Assholetep discovers a single human family, the sole survivors of the invasion. Not to worry though, the nightmare is over.<br>
>"Ta-da!" Assholetep proclaims proudly with jazz hands outstretched.<br>
>The ungrateful fucks keep crying anyway.<br>
>"I'm fairly sure there used to be a planet here."
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> He is engulfed in a battle where the [[Imperial Guard]] is defensing a bastion which separated a [[WAAAGH]]! from the rest of the sector. <br>
> His forces fight greenskins helping the Guard.<br>
> A Guard artillery shell almost hit him.<br>
> Somehow the Orks overrun the defenders and razed the whole sector. Unconfirmed reports claim that before the Orks breakthrough there have been sighted green lights where IG had its defensive positions. <br>