Editing Greek Mythology (section)

==== Act II - The Gatherings ====

So what do you get when you have a couple who's been made to artificially fall in love with one another and their love is technically impossible/forbidden? A kidnapping of course. Maybe their love wasn't so artificial, given how Helen didn't had much to say in the matter of her wedding. That being said, she and Paris fled the place on boat. This made Hera '''[[RAGE|extremely fucking mad]]''' and she sent a storm to make matters worse. They landed in Sidon. Paris was once again shook with terrible visions and a sudden stream of paranoia and decided to sail back to Troy. ''[[FAIL|And took Helen with him]]''. Like that was going to solve anything. 

Now just so that we're clear. No, the war was not caused by a love triangle. This is a diplomatic incident most foul. The alliance between Sparta and the other fiefdoms was at stakes, and if Paris, the fucking prince of Troy, was going to ruin what actually solidified this alliance in the first place, this meant war. Understandably, Menelaus was angry. Very much so. So he and Odysseus travelled to Troy to solve the issue with at least some form of diplomacy. It failed. [[WAAAGH|And we think you know what this means]]. Menelaus decides to gather up a team, namely the suitors who swore to protect the couple at all costs even though they weren't chosen. So he tasks Agamemnon to sent emmisaries to every Archaean clan to summon them to war.

''We should warn you though, this where the myths get extremely confusing. Because things went differently depending on the author and the traditions. So we will try our best efforts to give you a concise idea of what happened.''

And we open these confusing retellings with the biggest points of contension of this entire cycle. Homer retconning everything the other writers did. Odyseus, despite coming up with the idea of forming an alliance with the suitors, was not too thrilled about joining the war. He tried to feign madness but was quickly outsmarted by Palamedes who put him in a situation where he had to kill his son. Refusing to do so, he revealed his sanity and was forced to join the war... But then again, according to Homer, he was already willing to join the war effort in the first place, given how he himself anticipated it. And then we have Achilles. Well, what part of the story do you want to believe? Choose between the following possible scenarios;
* Homer said that Achilles never hide in Skyros and actually conquered the island once the war broke out.
* Phoenix (not the creature, the guy) went to retrieve him and revealed him as a man when he blew an horn to ring the alarm and have him slashing his way through for a good fight instead of fleeing like the rest of the girls.
* Phoenix, again, came to retrieve him, but disguised as a merchant. Recognizing Achilles because out of all the girls, he was the only one actually inspecting weapons instead of silk and clothes.

See? Those are just two massive plot holes of this cycle. And there are many like these two. But we're going to spare you the details because otherwise shit will get confusing. Now, let's get back to business.

The forces of the suitors gathered at Aulis, a greek port town. All responded to the call except Cinypras who sent breastplates and fifty ships to Agamemnon, [[Troll|one made of wood, the rest being made of clay.]] Once everyone was assembled, they all prepared for the war and made accomodations. Designating leaders, ranks and the pecking order of the suitors army's hierarchy. Achilles was the last one to join them, to everyone surprise, actually. Especially when they revealed who he was and explained why was he unheard of for so long... And that it turned out he was 15 years old. After a sacrifice to Apollo, [[What|a snake slithered from the altar and ate nine sparrow chicks before turning into stone.]] This was interpreted as a sign that Troy would fall after nine years of war. Good old foreshadowing.

And so the army marched to Troy, or rather sailed to. A big, powerful army of hundreds of thousands of men, armed to the teeth with weapons and a lot whole lot of military expertise, with the biggest, most impressive armade of all Ancient Greece... [[Derp|And they forgot where Troy was]], and so [[FAIL|they got lost]]. They ended up debarking in Mysia, a land ruled by Telephus, the son of '''motherfucking ''Heracles''''' of all people, who had a bunch of Archadians under his command. Oops. They end up battling, and during the conflict, Achilles ends up wounding Telephus, because he himself killed a close friend of his. The wound would not heal. Telephus asked an oracle about this, to which he replied with; "[[What|He that wounded shall heal]]". After the battle was settled, the army set sailed once again... Only to be scatterd by a big storm. We're off to a great start.

And now its time for another great point of contingency! This time, we don't know how Telephus was healed! What we do know is that Achilles went back to Skyros to marry Deidamia and organize another gathering. And here's where [[You|you]] choose the course of events;
* Telephus went to Aulis disguised as a beggar and asked absolute bro Agamemnon to heal his wound... Which is dumb because Agamemnon didn't even brawl with him.
* Telephus went there, undisguised, and held Orestes, the son of Agamemnon, as hostage so to force Achilles into healing him. He refused, explaining that he has ''no'' medical knowledge. Until Odysseus, in a moment of pure troll logic, told him that if he managed to wound Telephus with his spear, [[WTF|then it should also be able to heal him.]] So they broke the spear, scattered the remains on his wound, [[Natural 20|and miraculously, it worked]].

In any case, judging by how things went, they decided to take the dark premonition of Apollo's sacrifice seriously, and wait eight more years before setting sail to Troy and finally finish what Paris started. As payment for his healing, Telephus indicated the way to Troy, so that next time they shoudln't end up fucking up his crib instead.

<span style='font-size:300%'>'''EIGHT YEARS LATER'''</span>

The fleet gathered again. This time in bigger numbers because now there were ''thousands'' of ships involved into this. However, the winds were bad, big time, actually. So bad in fact that it turned out this was all a punishment. Agamemnon had apparently killed a sacred deer or a perfectly regular deer in an otherwise sacred grove that belonged to Artemis, but also boasting that he was a better hunter. As punishment, Artemis turned the winds against him, given the fact that he was in the fleet's commander. Unless he sacrified his own daughter to her, he shall never actually sail to Troy. Refusing to sacrifice Iphigenia, his crew had to threaten his position to actually change his mind. AND GUESS WHAT TIME IS IT ONCE AGAIN!? Yes! More "Choose your own greek myth bullshittery! So, depending on who you ask;
* Agamemnon went "well, if you can't beat 'em, sacrifice your daughter to 'em" and relunctantly killed her.
* Agamemnon decided to [[Troll|kill another deer instead]].
* Artemis took pity on the girl and decided to make her one of her maidens instead, which is a big deal because she otherwise works alone. According to Hesiod, Iphigenia later became Hecate, for some reason.

Anyway after... That, they finally sailed for Troy, this time for real. Now, surpringly speaking, there exist a catalogue of ships that detail the exact lists of ships present in the fleet. But then again, it could be a complete invention by Homer. What we will tell you though is an interesting tid-bit about Greek ships. True to their tendency to explain certain phenomenons occuring in the world, the Greeks believed that there was [[World of Darkness|a hidden world filled with magical things that even most the gods were seemingly unaware of]]. A part of this world were the spirits of ships. They believed that every vessel that they created had a soul. Hence why they were given a name and a pair of eyes on the prow, so that they could see. It has been theorized that the ships has supernatural capabilities in the myths, but given how they can't even sail without the wind on their side... Maybe not. Also another thing to note; maybe the Argos was a part of the expedition. You know, the ship of the Argonauts? Ain't that awesome? 

You might actually be wondering what the Trojans were up to this entire time. After hearing of the shenanigans that happened eight years prior, they let out a sight of relief because the gods were on their side that day, and they decide to gather some allies from all around Greece... More or less. The second book of the Illiad details that they managed to get the help of enemies of the suitors, people who had a grudge against either Agamemnon, Odysseus or any of the other kings, ''nymphs'' and ''a literal mountain goddess'' (contested), a whole plethora of tribesmen and warriors castes from the northern castes [[Orks|who gladly joined the Trojans for a good fight]]. Even Celts joined in. And another city-state led by a '''fucking son of Zeus'''. We don't have the details of that particular part of the story. [[RAGE|But we could only wish we actually did]].

And now, [[WAAAGH|for the main course of this here event]].