Editing Warp (section)

==Hitchhiker's guide to the warp==
* If you are NOT Chaos, Chaos-affilliated, Chaos-favored, a Blank, Wulfen or a subject of "the divinity machine," [[Fist of the North Star|you are already dead]] as the yawning abyss would have ripped your body apart and torn your soul asunder the moment you got close.
** Caveat: [[Tuska Daemonkilla|If youz an ork ave fun krumpen all da stuff with spikez on it!]]
*** In Warhammer Fantasy, the Warp only holds non-Daemon attack hazards for beings who are tempted by Chaos (so mostly just weak-minded humans). In fact, there is a character lost within the Warp who the Chaos Gods have forbidden from being harmed, as a parody of Dante's Inferno.
** Being favored by Chaos is difficult, but is possible with the right [[Chaos Gods|"connections"]]. If you have earned favor with one of those connections you will be given a "pass"; this "pass" [[Chaos Spawn|comes]] [[Daemon Prince|in many]] [[Chaos Space Marine|forms]], some of which are painful. It is also '''not''' "all access."
* If you stop at a reflecting pool (the Warp equivalent of a truck stop), a certain chaos god may or may not be waiting to rape you in more ways than one.
* If you find Eldar stranded here, please sacrifice them to eternal torture under Slaanesh for fucking everything up.
** Do remember not to attempt this while near Khornates as they ''will'' rip your entrails out and garotte you...or worse.
** If you just kill the Eldar the Khornate will leave you alone... maybe.
* Feel free to Ride a screamer of Tzeentch like your own magical demon [[My Little Pony|pony]] through the stars.
** Disclaimer: This action would require you to bind the daemon to your will. This may or may not result in the screamer eating your face off and drinking your soul like delicious tears.
** Do note the animosity between Yssarile empire forces and Tzeentchian forces.
* Feel free to eat the cookies-- they're warp-tastic (only take one or Slaanesh will lock you in her personal dungeon to make more)!
* If you wandered into the formless wastes, find a way out. Chaos Undivided is a bit boring.
** Do be careful to avoid the furies who will gang up and kill you because they have nothing better to do.
*** Alternatively, if you are a [[Daemon|Greater Daemon]], [[Daemon Prince]], or [[Emperor|being]] [[Primarchs|of equal]] [[Doom|or superior]] [[Kaldor Draigo|willpower]], the Formless Wastes aren't a bad place to set up shop. Just don't stay for very long... it ''does'' tend to get boring after a little while.
* If you wandered into the soul forges, be prepared for remodelling. You'll soon be <s>a daemon engine</s> fed into the soul furnaces; your screaming, eternally tormented soul will be used as fuel, and your bodily remains will likely become a new daemon.
* If you wandered into the Fortress of [[Khorne]], beat the living shit out of something before it beats the shit out of you. The fortress arenas accept all visitors as fighters unless they have visited more than 16 times (at which point they are considered a "resident"), or their name is on the black slate. Those who survive 84 rounds in the arena will be made into a [[Bloodletter]].
** If you are a resident you will be given a choice of arena to enter from the 64 circles (visitors' arenas are randomly chosen). Please visit the sanctum of Kadingir for further information (there will be sign skull pikes directing you to the office, and no they do not clean the blood off the floor).
** If your name '''is''' on the black slate, entry to the arena made be made '''by appointment only'''. You are on the slate because you have either '''seriously depleted''' Khorne's forces last time you came, you cheated while in the arena, or both. The color of your name will indicate your status: purple is for cheaters, red is for victors. You may make an appointment to redeem yourself in Khorne's eyes or to challenge the endless carnage record. The current record for endless carnage is held by one "DoomGuy" at 9847 rounds; in second place is [[Skarbrand]] at 485 rounds, and in last place is [[Abbadon the Despoiler|Abbadon]] at 6 rounds.
*** To make an appointment please enter the sanctum of Kadingir, state your name, present your weapon of choice (you will be restricted to 5 weapons at maximum; at least one must be melee only, and no weapons with a maximum range higher that 15 imp corpses will be accepted (measurement guide provided at office)), and your arena of choice. Appointments must be made at least 8 minutes in advance in order to give time for your opponents to revive or wake as well as for the blood servants to collect any skulls still on the ground. Then enter the brass armory to select your weapons and proceed to the elevator to the arenas.
** Do be careful not to wander into the Juggernaut pens (they are clearly marked by skulls). They ''will'' gore you until you're a stain on the floor. If you do escape, the Bloodletters will stab you for entering the Juggernaut pens without permission.
*** Juggernaut rodeos are only on Sundays between the hours of 8 o'candle and 6 o'candle. Bring your own gear.
** If you died fighting in Khorne's name and were carried off by a [[Valkia the Bloody|smoking hot daemonic Viking chick in red armour]] - congratulations, you may have entered Chaos Valhalla.
* If you wandered into the Palace of [[Slaanesh]], fap or schlick depending what parts you have. You might become a [[Daemonette]] 
** If Slaanesh is feeling whimsical, you might instead end up as his/her new sex toy for fetishes best not described.
* If you wandered into the Garden of [[Nurgle]] you WILL become a [[Plaguebearer]], regardless if you do anything or not. Unless you're a [[Kaldor Draigo|Mary Sue]].
** If you manage to impress Nurgle by lasting a while you might end up as a Herald instead.
** If you are about to succumb to super Ebola in the Garden of Nurgle proceed to pop pimples/blackheads on your face and post it on YouTube. Who knows? You may actually gain Grandfather's favor. This is a last resort though and you will still end up a Plaguebearer.
** Alternatively, you may be eaten by one of the Garden's denizens or the Garden itself before you succumb to its many plagues. You may still become a Plaguebeaer after they shit you out, though.
* If you wandered into the Maze of [[Tzeentch]]... you're screwed.
** Do note this is because of the maze's purely magical nature. It is very likely you will either have your mind broken and be forced to wander the Maze for all eternity; have your immortal soul absorbed by the Maze; or wander into one of the Maze's continually spawning spires where you will be trapped for all eternity. Just as planned.
** When the eight chaos stars are aligned, the Halosphere can assess the heart of the Crystal Labyrinth.
* If you're [[Oxyotl]] or [[Kaldor Draigo]], troll away.
** If you're NOT a Skink or Kaldor Draigo, meet up with Oxyotl, Kaldor Draigo and [[Leman Russ]], [https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UHNJUgat2i8 get hammered (it is safe to drink despite the aura of menace), and troll together.]
*** If you find none of these gentlemen, start screaming that none of this is real and that gods are fake. When a short, plump, bald man appears next to you, proceed to troll away.
* If you pop up next to [[Forces of Malal|the Eternal Mansion of Malal]], talk nicely to the closest Guardian of Contradictions to let you in. You will successfully enter [[Wat|while suffering in the Barbed Forests of doubt, trying to escape the Great Oval of Unbelief, being NOMMED to spawn Paradoxes in the Nest of Ironies, AND running between the Moving Towers while Ticks try to hunt you down. Such is the way of a god that makes rolling a 7 with a d6 possible.]]
* If you are a Son of Malice, steal stuff screaming how you will kill them all!
** Alternatively you may try to catch daemons and proceed to use them to battle other daemons like grimdark Pokémon.
* Watch out for demon rats in the Great Horned Rat's realm of ruin.
* If you're a Null... how the fuck did you manage that?! Oh well, you're pretty much invincible. Have fun, troll away.
** Keep in mind that anything you touch or even approach (depending on your power) will likely dissolve into nothing. This includes things you stand on, like floors, bridges and stairs. This may even include air - so while psykers and even regular humans can get away by believing there is air around and warp being twisted by their will to manifest that belief, you're stuck with what you brought with you from the realspace.
* Yes, those pieces of toast are actually following you back to your warp hut. No, you're not high on warp dust. Feel free to eat them-- they taste like the cookies.
* For the more technically-inclined, find and join the [[Dark Mechanicum]] as a Heretek. It might take a century or several. Eventually the amount of menial labor will allow you access to the good shit that those Luddites working for the Corspe-God hoard for themselves. You won't care about the screams of your victims because you'll have implants to tune it out. You might have to modify or dispose of your fleshheap of a body but hey, you are a cyborg now. You can build yourself an awesome all new one. With booze and hookers. Just remember to choose or create tech serfs that are smart and loyal enough to not screw it up. After a Millennium of mad science and some luck. One day you could end up on par with [[Anacharis Scoria]] and sucker punch [[Primarchs]] like he can.
* Be careful as there is no leaving the kingdom ''Alterity''.
* The Allpoints lead to the eight realms, it is occupied by Archaon.
* Corvus Corax and the Legion of the Damned might help you.

[[Category:Warhammer Fantasy]] [[Category:Warhammer 40,000]][[Category:Chaos]]