Editing Britbongsteros (section)

===The "Beach" Episode===
So. Aboard the Intrepid we were able to Taxidermy the head of the Alien. Our first order of business is to explain to the Privy Council what the fuck just happened, and while Sir Richard Bacon and Sir David Attenborough examine the thing and Sir Patrick [Cyborg murder body] Moore examines Mars anew, we are sent on our way.

The rest of the party all have specific stuff they want to do. The Navvie also has something specific.
:"I want to get drunk and fuck. Who wants to come?"

:"Angus?"
:>DM: Roll to see how your sheep infection is doing please
:"Umm no count me out."

:"Bard?"
:"Sex? Never heard of it. I'm going to [have my adventure]."

:"Aldous?"
:Cruella: "We are but not while you guys watch. We will see you later."

:"Umm ok, wizard?"
:"Wait aren't I married? No I... I could come but not touch I guess..."

:''>To Soho we go''
So a wizard and a Navvie walk into a whorehouse.

The Navvie disappears upstairs. Thudding, screaming and general happy large man noises can be heard. The wizard gets into a game. Of roulette.

:>Roulette balls are steel aren't they?
:>Aren't I able to control steel? 

Amazingly enough, the roulette table is rigged, and the local lowlives are extremely unimpressed when a Scotsman in a dress rigs it the other way. 

Murderously unimpressed.

They pick up the wizard, it would have been better if they had drawn knives at least that would have been easier. I should add by the time wizard has won the pot, he's quite pissed (drunk). Like very. He would have trouble summoning a pair of scissors let alone a chainsaw.

His manly screams of Heeeeeeeeellllllllp are heard by the Navvie upstairs however.

Now the Navvie is a simple man, he likes pies, stout, and round bubble butts. He takes a direct approach.

:>My buddy downstairs is in trouble. 
:>I am upstairs
:>Stairs will waste time

So stark naked, he leaps from bed, takes his hammer, and slams it into the wooden floor, down comes a huge naked man and a bed with four PAWGs on it.

The bar brawl that followed sees the Peelers called (early form of police to Ameri-nons) and rather than take them on and injure officers of the law, they retreat upstairs, and as there is a covered wagon below, leap for it, a naked huge man with a hammer and a scrawny drunk Scot with a bag of money. We will pause their tale there as this is where they enter another. 


So we know that Cruella acquired a bastard sword some time ago. It started talking to her and her to it not long after. They mostly talk about their favourite things, blood and violence. She likes those and it likes those.

She acquired the sword as one does, in a shop, she saw the thing and liked it.

She wants to learn more about it, so we take it to the royal armouries to have it examined. (Her and I)
After some pondering the dwarves there get very very excited

:>It's [[Excalibur]]

They persuade her to part with it for a few hours, to examine it.

She and I spend a very pleasant few hours in fade to black. We return,
:"Yeah... We got robbed last night... Only one item missing and it's"
:>Cruella broke the poor bastard's nose and we go to look for it. In London. A needle in haystack made of smaller haystacks

We set off, Cruella's [spider sense] leads us to Soho and we pause there.


:''>Aldous needs pipe tobacco''
While we are in Soho, I spot a tobacconists, and in the window, is my brand of pipe tobacco. I know that a local tobacconist is an excellent source of gossip so Cruella condescends to let us go in, we bump into a passerby on the way in but successfully purchase a kilo of good dwarven smoke, our gossip plan fails however, then Cruella realizes her bracelet is gone.

That guy we bumped into is still out in the street, he must be a really really shit pick pocket if...

He spots us, and turns to run, he is stopped in his tracks by a huge naked man and a scrawny Scot with a bag of money landing on him. 

(They missed the wagon)
So while they apologize to the poor guy, we run to them, the police are starting to run out of the building. We ask the Navvie to pick up the thief and the four of us (plus squashed thief) run the fuck away.

:"For gods sake man, put some clothes on."
We duck into an alleyway and the Navvie puts the thief down.
:"I want your boots, your clothes, and by the way, have you heard anything about any swords?"
The poor bastard tries to get naked, returns Cruella's bracelet, and explain to us that a local "legitimate businessman" - John Borisson is looking after a very important sword shaped package until it can be shipped to France tomorrow. 

This is where the story of the four of us pauses.


Rewind.

:Bard: "Guys, I don't really do much do I?"
:"You play the bagpipes and kick anything that gets too close?"
:"Yeah, but that's combat Barding. I want to... I want to play for my public."
:"You're in London, that famous home of bagpipes and Scottishness, but ok..."
:"Exactly, I will play my through the city, I will busk, I will play for the poor and rich alike, I will bring the joy of music to all!"

It turns out playing the bagpipes in London in Britbongsteros is not exactly popular, he gets thrown out of Trafalgar Square, punted out of the inns of court, starts a brawl in the Royal Society, and a riot in the Globe.

The bard heads for Soho.

He is approached in Soho by some rough looking men.
:"Our boss really likes bagpipes, come play for him! Tonight you shall play at the home of Borrisson, John Borrisson."
:"Ooh ok!"

And now we pause.



:''>Angus does science.''

Angus decides to get his Sheep Transmitted Disease cured.

(Angus crit failed an "I roll to seduce a female centaur" (dumb bastard) and fucked a sheep instead by accident back in Wales)

His research takes him to a doctor
:"Ah what the fuck is that!?"
A barber surgeon
:"What the flying fuck is that!?"
And finally another less reputable doctor.
:"There is an eastern remedy that might help, you'll need to acquire some components for me though"

:''>Gives list''

:"Where am I going to find 'tears of a Phoenix killed on the second Tuesday of the month?'"
:"I dunno, try John Borrison in Soho, what he sells isn't always of the best provenance, but if he doesn't have it, he can get it..."

:''>Who the fuck is John Borrison?''
Well we know he lives in Soho, he has an emporium of well known whores, (referred to as "Boris Bikes" because amazingly "everyone has had a ride") and a mop of unruly straw coloured hair.

:>You're setting us up to fight "Boris Johnson" DM...


So we return to the party of four (Cruella, wizard- still pissed by the way, Navvie - no longer naked, and myself who is surrounded by a cloud of most excellent and noxious smoke).

The party of four wait for dusk and assemble outside of the city mansion of Mr. Borrison, we have a look around. It's got highwalls and guards.

We retire to a nearby tavern (the Wizard would rather be drunk than hungover) to discuss.

:''>Topic 1''
Do we want to kill Mr. Borrison?

Probably not. As far as we know he's a criminal but not actually bad as such.
:>How do we get in and get out with the sword?

As we ponder. Suddenly, [http://youtu.be/UAbzlj3nf4E The Seeker by The Who] on the bagpipes, and its coming from Borrison's house. 

It's worth noting that the parties heavy weaponry (the gatling and the flamethrower) isn't being carted around with us.

So we skip now to Angus. He has been following the crudely drawn directions to John Borrisson's shop, house, warehouse and mansion (combined). He has been told to get there, and ask for the Apothecary.

He arrives and approaches the shop (i.e. the south side of the building).

The guard says (in awful cockney which again I'm not going to try)

:"Nah the Ceildh (he pronounces it "Celd ay") is on the other side. Go round mate."
Angus looks shy, Angus says
:"I'm actually here to see... The Apothecary..."
The guard looks him up and down,
:"Hahaha what did you fuck?"
Angus goes as red as an orc can and heads into the shop.

He gives the apothecary (actually a very happy looking dryad) the list,
:"Fucked a sheep did we?"
:"HOW DO YOU PEOPLE ALL KNOW THIS?"
:>DM: Angus your balls sure are sore... you sure you want to get pissed off at the only guy who might be able to help?
:"I mean... yes I would like some ointment please."

The apothecary is rummaging through shelves, humming to himself, suddenly Angus stands bolt upright.
:"I hear... I hear bagpipes!"
:"Oh yeah, something the boss is up to, anyway look, this potion, there might be some side effects..."

Meanwhile, upstairs,

The bard is in his element, it turns out John Borrison isn't actually human, he has a thatch of straw for hair, not straw coloured.

(I mean he's an Ent)

The bard is on a table, piping to a court of criminals, they do their best to dance as the great tree claps and belches his joy.

The bard keeps rolling performance checks and he's doing beautifully.

He's well into [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7rjbrqcQ5Sw Highland Laddie] having already played Dashing White Sergeant and others. The Bard is over the moon.

About 1:40 in the video. The great stained glass window at the east side of the hall shatters.
:"GIVE ME BACK MY SWORD YOU FUCK."


:''>Rewind''

So the four of us are down the side of the building, we reason that shock and awe is our best tactic, we don't know if it's the bard inside, but he probably needs rescuing, therefore we decide to go full on Sir Lancelot and crash the party.

We acquire some rope, easily get up the side of the building (Cruella) and then abseil through the glass.

As Cruella shouts
:"GIVE ME BACK MY SWORD YOU FUCK"
The bard stops playing. 


:''>Change channel''

Downstairs, Angus is handed the ointment.

:Angus: "I'm gonna apply it now, my nads are on fire here."
:>Angus roll a D20 please. 
The DM consults a list. Please note that the DM checking a list is really, really bad. He starts laughing. That's even worse. 


:''>Upstairs''

There's a Mexican stand off developing, the entire room (although not well armed), vs the four of us with the bard in the middle.

It's looking bad.

Cruella stops shouting, instead she looks at John Borrison, straight in the eyes and says
:"You have something of mine. Right next to you in fact. In that chest. I want it back."
:"Why should I... (there is a large amount of pistols leveled at us by the party goers) give it to you?

Things get tense. DM has us rolling dice to see whose nerve breaks first. Us VS them.

Suddenly, the door at the North end of the hall is kicked down. 


:''>Downstairs.''

:DM: "Yeah Angus... mate... look... your balls. They're actually... they're on fire..."
:Angus's player: "Yeah I know they are, fucking sheep..." 
:DM: "No Angus, I mean, On. Fire."
Angus goes into a panic, screaming for water, everything in the apothecarion is either explosive or probably bad. Angus is directed upstairs, fanning his crotch with his kilt, he charges blindly, kicking down a door. 


Angus bursts into the hall.

He's crotch is on fire, his kilt being flapped from nose to thigh rapidly. He is a true Scotsman and his Scotsman is wreathed in blue flame.

Angus runs straight through the middle of us, as he runs he spots an open cask of beer, and dunks his crotch.

:''>Best. Thing. Ever.''

John Borrison is the first one to start laughing. He's also the first one to lower his weapons.
:"Fine, have the sword, that was the best thing I've ever seen."
Later, as we dance, party and ceildh, I ask Angus something.
:"Alright, I understand why the Bard was here, I know why we were here, and but why were you here?"
:"Not. One. Fucking. Word. Not. One. Fucking. Word. Aldous."

And that Anon, was our beach episode.

We all got drunk, Angus got a bucket of ice, Cruella cuddled her sword.