Editing Autia (section)

====Excerpt from Magical Beasts and Where to Kill Them, By Magnolia Keeling: Chapter 1: The One Where I Kill Ballsack and Sackball (Again)====

Napan, the country of my birth, is a beautiful nation of misty forests, breathtaking karst formations, and exotic architecture. Despite being close to the equator, the temperature is almost always pleasant, and the snow covered Yuki Mountains can be seen from almost anywhere on the island. Warfare is rare, the land is bountiful, and people have lots of spare time to nurture bonsai trees, go for hikes along trails crossing babbling brooks to visit pagodas with beautiful views, and other idle pastimes. In short, it is almost the perfect place to live. If it weren't for the fact that almost everyone who lives here are
BEASTIALITY
LOVING
SEXUAL
DEVIANTS
No seriously, this place is weird.

My mother is a minor Napanese noble, and my father is a merchant from Belkan. I had a fairly normal childhood all things considered up until my parents got separated. Apparently my mother was secretly part of the harem of a giant snake with two REALLY big swords in his scabbard, so to speak. And my dad had at some hooked up with a tortoise with more wrinkles than a gathering of ancient witches.

It was around this time I decided to dedicate my life to killing things.

For obvious reasons, I try to avoid coming to Napan as much as possible, but a great aunt twice removed had passed away and I was apparently in line to inherit something (which later turned out to be some trivial heirlooms which I left with my mum for safe keeping since they weren't even worth selling). I also wanted to see if I could get the chip on my sword fixed.

Okamiokami's Edge is a masterpiece of Napanese blacksmithing. It is said that it is made by folding a piece of steel a thousand times so that it gets sharper with every use, enchanted with powerful magic that can disrupt magic and banish demons, and in the hands of one of pure heart can even cut through steel (probably false because it doesn't even cut through rock). At Fauruburesu's Dojo, where I learned the Art of the Blade, it was constantly drummed in to me how important it was to treat the sword with respect. Unfortunately in a world where firearms and destruction magic exist, even a really fancy sword isn't super useful. Aside from using it to kill or intimidate minor opponents not worth wasting gunpowder or magic on, I have found a wide range of alternate uses for the sword, including:
- chopping firewood
- shaving my legs when I can't find my razor
- cane
- dismembering bodies that might get me in trouble with the authorities
- getting in bets over what it can and can't cut through (which is why it has a huge chip in it now)
Like I said, the sword isn't super useful, but it helps contribute to my "stoic wandering swordswoman look" so it pays to keep it clean and in decent shape.

Anyways, after a brief visit and argument with me mum, it was a two hour hike up the nearest mountain to get to Fauruburesu's Dojo.

There, as per his custom, Fauruburesu insisted on greeting me in fox form rather than human form. I grudgingly let him lick my face (his breath smells like chocolate and "fish" as per usual) which his insists is how foxes normally greet each other.

Sure it is.

For all his faults though, Fauruburesu is actually a pretty good swordsman and blacksmith when he is in his humanoid form, and also has the inside scoop on all the best bounties. Despite his faux outrage, I managed to convince him to fix the sword at a reasonable rate, and prodded him on possible jobs while watching him work.

It turns out that good ol' Ballsack and Sackball had been summoned by some idiot again, and were terrorizing nearby fishing villages. The bounty on them was decently high considering they aren't even that dangerous really.

For those of you who don't know, Ballsack and Sackball are a pair of anthropomorphic raccoons with giant, erm, packages, who love harassing townsfolk in any community where someone is dumb enough to summon them. Some people consider them demons, other people consider them trickster spirits, I consider them an easy score, this will be by third time banishing those two nutters, they were in fact one of my earliest bounties when I was just starting out.

Two days later, I find myself at the docks of Ōkina Ahiru, breaking up an argument between a giant geoduck and a drunken Alkorian foreign exchange student.

No, seriously.

Apparently the Alkorian though the geoduck was in cahoots with Ballsack and Sackball because he looks like, well you know what they look like. One key to the groin later, that particular conflict was resolved, and my new phallic friend was able to tell me all about Ballsack and Sackball current whereabouts.

Well, I won't bore you with the details of what ended up being a dreadfully easy fight. Two days later, with a pair of giant, swinging trophies in tow, I entered the nearest magistrate's office, scored a sack of gold, and lived happily ever after.

But not really, I was on a ship to Brazilistan the next day, money doesn't earn itself.