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====Excerpt from Magnolia Keeling's draft notes for her next book tentatively titled "Freelancing During the Great War": Chapter 3: The One Where Someone Opens A Portal To Hell==== After a rather disastrous attempt to return to the world of relic hunting and mercenary work (see Chapters 1 and 2 of this book), I decided to return to my villa in Westphallica for some relaxation. Normally a major war creates lots of opportunities, but unfortunately, two of the main combatants; Alkor and Belkan, hate my guts. So understandably, when Duchess Katny, my nearest neighbor and fellow jaded hedonist, came to my door with a seemingly simple job opportunity, it was probably too good to be true. Duchess Katny was planning on visiting a top secret research project she had been funding, along with her on-and-off again partner Duke Loro, and wanted me to come along posing as a secret donor, but actually just an extremely well paid bodyguard. So get paid to lounge around in luxury, and maybe fight something if needed. Yes please. We travelled to northern Ercaenadhorn in Katny's personal airship, a week long journey that took us through several contested territories, but due to Westphallica's neutral status and great wealth, no one bothered us. The airship itself was small, but extremely decadent once you got used to the constant humming noise. Teleportation would have been easier, but Katny likes to made an entrance. Besides, opening a portal from one place to another for too long, or repeatedly opening portals between the same two locations can have unexpected side effects, and Katny and Loro had servants and flunkies to bring, not to mention several crates of clothing. We arrived at the mountain fortress known as Merciful Bliss (from a popular Ercaenmedian song) around midday. Although technically privately funded, it was clearly receiving significant support from the Ercaenmedian government. including a small military garrison. The fortress itself was of Ogrillon design, but apparently the lower levels date back to some older, largely unknown civilization. The current inhabitants had clearly done some work on it though. In addition to modern guard towers, there was several large villas built in the Ercaenmedian style, an airfield, an observatory, and several elaborate rock gardens. Clearly the current inhabitants have been putting their money to good use, building all this in the middle of nowhere could not have been cheap. The interiors were even more luxurious than the exterior. Aside from practical spaces like libraries, workshops, kitchens, and barracks, there were several dining halls, a small ballroom, a number of large suites, a sauna, and even heated bathhouse. The servants and soldiers were Encaenmedian Army, but younger than I would expect to see guarding an operation of this importance. No doubt most of them were conscripts who won't be missed on the front lines, or if the research into the gate did not go as expected. However, looks can be deceiving (thanks to miracles of life magic and flesh molding, I myself look about a third my true age, same for Katny and several others present). I quickly noticed that some of the guards looked harder and more competent than the others. An accidental encounter at the sauna later that day confirmed at least some carried the brand of the Sal-Inja ninja clan, one of the most skilled but heartless of their breed in Ercaenmedi. While touring the facilities, I had a chance encounter with my old nemesis Victoria Swann (as mentioned in Chapter 37 of my book "Magical Beasts and Where to Kill Them", Victoria had been liberated from her role as the centerpiece of the fountain pool at my villa by Alkorian agents). She was serving as the aide to some Alkorian politician named Sconewick, though no doubt she was here in some sort of Intelligence capacity as well. After some traded threats and insults, Katny pulled me aside and made me promise not to harm Victoria during the duration of this mission. The sacrifices you make for friendships (and a huge paycheck). I'd also like to take yet another opportunity to mention how much I hate that bitch, though anyone who has read by previous book, or the first two chapters of this book will have already read several of my rants on that particular topic. After spending a couple of hours acclimatizing ourselves to the luxuries of Merciful Bliss, we headed to the main dining room, where a multi-national group of dimensional theorists, politicians, wealthy backers, and military leaders met for a truly uncomfortable dinner (for some people, I for one mostly found it amusing). Attendees were as follows: - Sena Starbane, a half-Lapus elf, half Ercaenmedian who was the lead theorist and director on the project. A highly efficient and political minded sort, she started the dinner out with a rousing toast about how science and magical research unites nations, then got called away before the other toasts were even completed to oversee some calibrations to the telescope. - Krakrul, a multi-limbed, deeply disturbing Unraveller "post human" who was one of the leading theorists on the project. He was accompanied by a human-corgi-cyborg hybrid named Fifi who was once a lover-apprentice of his. He was so disturbing that the serving girl bringing his first meal broke down crying and fled just because he looked at her (a Sal-Inja disguised as a common soldier served the rest of his meals). A devoted follower of Deadicorn, he gave an eloquent toast to "Murder, Rape, and Evil". Way to read the crowd... - Hans Helmut, an aetherial architect (whatever that means) from Yr. One of the few to join Krakul's toast. - Eh'NaiL Ha-Nii'la-Terr, an Alprobe archeologist. I don't much like Alprobes (see Chapters 2 and 18 of my book "Magical Beasts and Where to Kill Them"), and Eh'NaiL was creeper than most. He gave a speech in his own language that caused a glass to break, a waitress to faint, and probably half the sphincters in the room to tighten. - Lord Sconewick, the Alkorian representative, had apparently fallen asleep from boredom, so his aide, her royal bitchness Victoria Swann gave a toast that included an oblique reference to my recent petrification in Harlbourg (see Chapter 1 of this book). Never one for class, I responded with a toast about how everyone at my mansion missed ogling her statue. Duchess Katny followed with a toast to great friendships. Duke Loro was too busy giggling to make a toast. - Colonel Ji-hoon Kowalczyk, the representative from the nearest Ercaenmedian Army Group, got distracted using his goggles to shamelessly leer at the decolletage of a serving girl bending over to serve a drink to a guest across the table from him, so his aide Enchantress-Singer/Aspiring Idol Nolae Supasuta thought on her feet and managed to parrot Sena's empty toast on world peace through theoretical research (but not without including a quick dig at Belkan) There was also about two dozen other aides, flunkies, bureaucrats, donors, and minor members of the project at the table. A couple were also quite strange, but apparently not enough for me to remember them. Dinner was delicious and extravagant, clearly Sena Starbane liked to make a good impression on her backers even if she herself could not attend. Not too much else happened for the next few hours; we had wine on the massive heated balcony while watching an amazing sunset. Krakrul cried blood, Eh'NaiL touched someone somewhere where he shouldn't have, some minor noble spilled wine down her top, and myself and Victoria exchanged glares all evening. Things got a bit more interesting in the late evening. After a rotation through the bathhouse and sauna, I joined several of the other guests to watch the aurora borealis, which was magnified greatly by the fact that it was being drawn down to the surface by Sera's arcane technology. Eventually, only myself, Hans Helmut, Nolae Supasuta, and her servant Simpypoo (a portmanteau of "Simp", a type of fan apparently, and "Grumpypoo", an obscure god popular with some young people) were left. On our way back to our rooms, we heard a deep grinding sound, followed by screams and maniacal laughter. A short time later, we encountered a trio of conscript guards impaled to the ceiling with large spikes. Simpypoo promptly fainted, Nolae vomited up some wine, but Hans seemed more fascinated then anything. Clearly something wasn't quite right here... Before I really had time to investigate though, a couple of soldiers grabbed us and hustled us away. After a brief interrogation, an unlikely story about how the incident was nothing but a brawl that got out of control, and being sworn to secrecy by the head of security (a Sal-Inja no doubt), myself, Nolae, and Simpypoo were sent to bed for the night. However, I had other plans. Once I judged everyone important was asleep, and whatever guards were supposed to be watching me had grown a bit weary, I tossed on my nightshirt on, slipped a little packet of something special into my inner pocket, climbed out my window, and scaled the decorative ornamentation to get to a balcony on the level where the Alkorians were staying. In theory, my first priority should have been warning my employer that something was up, but if I was going to risk my neck sneaking about anyways, might as well throw in a bit of a personal mission as well. If you mix table salt with a rare perfume known as nightsap, you get a nice little powder that causes a severely itchy rash once in contact with body moisture after a few hours. And I always bring salt and nightsap to events like this. Daydreaming like the idiot I am about where to place the powder on Victoria or her clothes for best effect, I didn't hear the slight creak of leather to the last minute. To my surprise, the leather didn't belong to a Sal-Inja goon, but rather a female Belkan Intelligence operative in the trademark black leather of that organization. And she had a rather wicked knife... Now I am an experienced hand-to-hand combatant, and work by the life mages had boasted my physical strength considerably, but going toe-to-toe with a skilled operative who is armed when you aren't is tricky. Particularly when you can't make noise. And particularly particularly when you are trying to take her alive. Also, I was still drunk. About a minute of silent but vicious fighting later, things ended with me suffering from several deep nicks, and a nightshirt full of gashes, and her writhing from several organ punches and pressure point jabs. After a bonk on the head, and another hour of sneaking around lugging her about, I find an empty room I judge isn't going to be visited for a while, bind her up, and leave her for later interrogation. I also poured liberal amounts of the powder on her, both to impede any escape attempts, and also since I was peeved about my favorite nightshirt being covered in blood and gashes. Feeling too tired for further adventures, I went to bed with a number of important tasks on my to-do list like: - Warn Katny about the killings - Interrogate the Belkan on what she knew about... everything really - Figure out what was really going on at Merciful Bliss - Give Victoria a rash by pouring nightsap mixed with salt in her panties The next morning, I awoke feeling a little worse for ware. In addition to the hangover, cuts and bruises from the fight, three hours of sleep, horrid morning breath from the garlic bread last night, I had also somehow swallowed a mouthful of my own hair and chewed off a chunk of it. I spent the next hour making myself somewhat presentable, grudgingly wearing thick clothes and heavy make-up to cover up the cuts and bruises. Today was the day that we got shown The Gate. I probably should have explained this before, but the whole purpose of this luxurious but remote research facility is to investigate the Ebon Gate. The only known structure of its kind, it was discovered by explorers decades ago, but only recently has the true value of the site come to light. When charged with enormous amounts of magnetic energy captured from the aurora borealis, and under certain planetary alignments, it opens a gate to another world. So far it had only been opened three times briefly, each leading to uninhabited ruins on different worlds, but that night, improvements to the magnetic energy collection system were believed to be able to keep The Gate open for a whole three hours. Although hardly an expert on inter-dimensional travel, I suspected even at that point that we were messing with forces best left alone, and I had a sneaking suspicion that the deaths of the three conscripts were somehow tied to something coming from The Gate. Unfortunately I didn't trust the main players behind the operation enough to confide in them. Nor did I get a chance to talk to Katny. So instead I played the role of the oblivious donor, eager to see what my money was being used for. After an elaborate breakfast, we were herded down to the lower levels of the fortress where the gate is located. The difference in architectural styles between the Ercaenmedian top floors, the Orgillon core building, and the mysterious underground ruins was striking. Something about the underground ruins put me on edge. Perhaps it was the jet black walls and strange carvings, perhaps it was the fact that the conscript guards were clearly on edge, perhaps it was the fact that normal sounds didn't seem to travel here, though unexplained rustling and cracking noises could be heard occasionally, but most of all it was my increasing certainty that Sena and her fellows were playing with forces they didn't understand. We arrived in the main chamber where the Ebon Gate is located. Curving stairs leading up to an empty doorframe. Fairly mundane really, but I could feel it was already crackling with invisible energy despite the fact that the test wasn't scheduled until tonight. Sena was supposed to give a lecture at this point, but clearly something wasn't right, and she had a hushed conversation with her fellow researchers. At this point I really started wishing I had been allowed to carry my sword and gun around. Suddenly, the gate started glowing ominously, but it wasn't though the gate that the first sign of trouble appeared. Instead, a twisted figure popped into existence somewhat off to the side of the chamber. Although it took me a moment to recognize it, I eventually realized it is a Chained One, a lesser demon of Iron Gyyn made from damned soul wrapped in cutting chains and spikes for centuries until it loses all sanity and only desires to be let free to inflict pain on others. The Yrian scientist Hans Helmut evidently recognized it too. Perhaps since Iron Gyyn (a demon associated with bondage, forges, and demon bidding) is one of the primary demons worshipped in Yr he felt safe approaching it, but instead several bladed chains lashed out, slicing him in half, and painting a nearby guard red with arterial blood. Another guard flew backwards, pierced by several iron spikes. A Spiked Beast (another demon of Iron Gyyn) had appeared, and was now impaling bystanders with flying spikes. But worse of all was the Grasping Mother. Said to be a personification of Iron Gyyn herself, this strange demon has many limbs ending in chains. Those who become fully engulfed in these wrapping chains simply disappear, it is probably best not to think about what happens to them. At that point everyone decides running away to be their best option. After a number of close calls with demons now stalking the halls of Merciful Bliss, I found myself hiding in the library with Sena Starbane, Colonel Ji-hoon Kowalczyk, and Krakrul. Sena and Ji-hoon were arguing over whether someone had deliberately altered the Ebon Gate so that it would open up in the home dimension of Iron Gyyn. I mentioned that Hans Helmut had shown a strong interest in the murdered conscripts last night (which Sena and Ji-hoon hadn't even heard about), and it was agreed that potentially Hans had found a way to alter the Gate (not like anyone is asking him anytime soon). Ji-hoon and Sena had a whispered argument at that point about whether the rapid advances in research had been worth bringing in morally dubious individuals like Hans and Krakrul (they had apparently forgotten Krakrul was within earshot, but he didn't seem to mind, he was lifting Fi Fi onto a table so that she/it could gnaw the legs off a beheaded servant). After a while, we realized we needed some sort of plan to deactivate The Gate. No one really knew how we would completely close it, but it was agreed that shutting down the aurora borealis harvester on the roof would be a good start. By this point, reality was clearly unravelling a bit, with streaks of purplish smoky fire sometimes appearing from no where, and occasionally opening to form a rift through which various demons would pop out. Even minor demons are both nastily fast and tough, and we relied mostly on Krakrul's destructive magic, and Ji-hoon's magic wand to clear them. My own abilities at Energy Creation are weak, time consuming to perform, and rather draining, but I did manage to conjure a few good lightning blasts at the cost of exhausting myself. Needless to say, I really wished I had my sword and gun with me. After a few more minor skirmishes, we made our way to the roof. We were joined on the way by Duke Loro, who had clearly fought his way through more than a few close encounters himself. Luckily he is a skilled swordsmen with abnormal strength packed into a seemingly normal sized frame, courtesy of the best flesh molders money can buy. Unfortunately, the collector antennas are massive and highly durable. We debated how to best destroy it for a while, with Krakrul rather dubiously arguing that even he didn't have the magic to destroy it. Eventually Loros comes up with a crude plan of using his magic strength to haul a large anti-griffon ballista off its mounting and fire it repeatedly at the joints of the spindle in hopes of damaging something. Krakrul evidently didn't like that plan though, he threw Loros off the roof just as he was lining up the first shot, and threw Ji-hoon over the edge a second later. He evidently had other (no doubt rape-y) plans for Sena, since he knocked her out with some sort of Dark Aether magic. He tried to do the same to me, but luckily I am pretty good at Aether Manipulation, and disrupted three spells in a row as he tried to gather the energy for them. Instead he changed tactics and simply rushed me, no doubt with his sheer size, many arms, and massive raw strength he could easily beat me in a hand-to-hand fight. Instead I sprinted to the nearest railing, jumped over the edge, painfully butt-slid down an icy terracotta roof, sprinted across a balcony that served as the roof of one of the annex buildings, dodged two fire balls, got grazed by a third, then jumped off a two story ledge while partially on fire and landed in one of the heated pools (which both cushioned the fall and put out the flames). Worried Krakrul was still on me, I scrambled out of the pool, ditched most of my clothes (which were now soaked and heavy) and ran blindly through the maze of cedar hedges, pagodas, and small outbuildings that covered the grounds between the main research building and the main guest accommodation building. Naturally I almost ran headfirst into a Spiked Beast, but then it got cut in half by a Horseman. Luckily the Horseman started defiling the body of a guard the Spiked Beast had just pinned to a wall, so I was able to sneak away from the bizarre encounter. It was only after about a minute of slow sneaking did the implications of this become clear. Horsemen were demons (technically half-demons) associated with Deadicorn, but so far the demons breaching reality have been associated with Iron Gyyn. I then noticed that the formerly purple-ish rifts were now sparkly and rainbow colored. Clearly the Ebon Gate was now somehow attuned to Deadicorn's Realm rather than Iron Gyyn's. I briefly wondered if Krakrul (a devout Deadicorn worshipper as I had said before) was somehow altering the Ebon Gate, or if it was just a natural shift as the planets continue to align. However it didn't really matter since either way he would now do what he could to stop anyone from shutting down the Gate. I decide to continue running towards the guest accommodation building, where I would at least have a fighting chance once I got my gear. Exhausted, and fairly confident Krakrul or any demons weren't nearby, I stopped behind one of the sauna buildings next to the guest building to catch my breath. Suddenly Katny came running in from one direction, and Victoria, Lord Sconewick, and the Belkan Intelligence operative I locked up the previous night come running from the other direction. What followed was one of the more interesting conversations I have ever had... ''The conversation (with my thoughts in brackets) when roughly as follows:'' Katny (to me): What happened to your clothes? And make-up? (naturally Katny look immaculate as always) Me: I went for a swim Victoria: Why? Me: Because I was worried I got syphilis just being in the same room as you (not my best comeback ever, but I was pretty stressed and exhausted by this point) Belkan Intelligence Operative (to me): Remember me bitch? Me: No (lying because I didn't want to explain why I covered up finding a Belkan spy, or what I was doing in the Alkorian guest quarters to begin with) Katny: That's Claudia, she is my favorite cousin on my mom's side (bad news for me, Katny doesn't like people messing with her favorites) Katny: Hi Claudia! Claudia: Hi Katny! Me (to Claudia): Still don't recognize you (hoping it was too dark during our encounter last night for Claudia to recognize me for sure) Claudia: Where did you get those scars? They look new. Bet you didn't have them yesterday... Me: uhm... Victoria (to me): What is the matter Adalwolfa Kühling, cat got your tongue? (reference to my rarely used birth name, as well as a reminder to Sconewick of my Belkan ancestry, it seemed rather unfair at the time that hated enemies Alkor and Belkan were teaming up on me) Me (to Claudia): So what were you doing wandering around the Alkorian guest quarters with a sharp knife anyways? (a petty attempt to turn Victoria and Claudia against each other, but actually a pretty good point in hindsight) Sconewick (to everyone else): Shut up your nattering you imbecilic harlots, we have more things to worry about Victoria (to Sconewick): She is the one that looks like a harlot (fair point, I was down to my under clothes and probably had make-up running all over my face thanks to my brief swim) Victoria (to Claudia): Wait, what were you doing.... Sconewick: Shut up! Victoria looked rather shocked at this point, I also found it rather strange at the time that Sconewick didn't seem to care that someone who may have tried to assassinate him last night was standing right behind him with a looted sword. Katny: Agreed, this conversation is going nowhere fast, we need to shut down the Gate Katny: Has anyone seen Loros? He was trying to find Sena Me: Nope (lying since Katny was the most rationale and intelligent person here and I didn't want her distracted by the fact that her on and off boy toy was dead) Katny: What about Sena? Me: Well, uh, she is probably getting pig roasted by Krakul and a horseman right now Victoria: What the hell does that even mean? Me: Well, you know... I try to demonstrate with my pointer fingers, but realize belatedly that I need a third hand for the gesture to make sense Katny (rather witheringly): We know what it means, why would Krakul do that to Sena at a time like this? Me: Well, you see, Krakul is uh, evil (no shit), and well, somehow he realigned the Gate to open onto Deadicorn's realm, or maybe the Gate was already realigning itself...I don't know, either way he doesn't want people tampering with it, cause he is a Deadicorn worshipper... and stuff Katny: Shit Victoria (to me): Aren't you a Deadicorn worshipper too? Me: No (worship is a strong word, I prefer to think of it as occasional bargaining, also I haven't done it for a while) Victoria: Liar! Me: Eat shit you gold plated slut (a reference to her time as a lawn ornament at my villa) Sconewick: Shut Up! Both of you! Sconewick: What about that Alprobe fellow? Anal, or whatever? Could he shut down the Gate? Disturbing screech comes from somewhere nearby, a decapitated Alprobe head lands at Claudia's feet Claudia: You mean that one? Katny: Are there any other Alprobes on site? Sconewick: No Katny: Well shit Katny: We need to rescue Sena, she is the only one left who knows how to fix this Loros appears from somewhere Loros: Ask Magnolia, she saw Sena last Katny (to me): I thought you said you hadn't seen Loros? Loros (to me): Why would you say that? Me (feeling like a complete idiot at this point): How are you not dead? (he got knocked of the side of the building facing the cliff, no way he could have survived the landing like I did) Loros: Magic rings, remember? (and I should have remembered, under his gloves Loros does have some extremely rare and expensive rings from Belkan that give him limited flying abilities, I had seen him showing them off at several parties back in Westphallica) Katny gives me a look that indicates both that she is starting to severely doubt my abilities, as well as is planning some sort of retribution (and she is very creative when it comes to retribution) Victoria and Claudia look rather pleased to see me in the hot seat Me (to Katny): Look, mistakes were made, can we move past it for now? Nolae Supasuta and Simpypoo show up Nolae: We are in big trouble... Everyone: We know Nolae (pointing at the Alprobe head on the ground): Is that... Everyone: Yes Long awkward pause Me: We should try to get to the main building roof, that is where I last saw Sena. Maybe it won't be too bad and the Iron Gyyn and Deadicorn affiliated demons will wear each other out The Grasping Mother smashes into the side of the guest building, then explodes into fire and acid, as demons often do when killed, heavy footsteps and deep breathing is heard nearby, but mercifully it changes direction and heads away from us No one dare speak for a while Simpypoo: Well that sounded big... Katny: We don't have a choice, we must stop The Gate from being fully opened, planetary alignment is less than eight hours away, and who knows what could appear through the rifts in the meantime... Nolae: Agreed Sconewick: Agreed He then emphasizes his point by blowing a horseman sneaking up on us to pieces with his musket (evidently the shot was boasted magically somehow) Me: I need to grab my gear from my room... Katny (gives me a very withering look to remind me I am not in her good books): No time ''End of conversation.'' So that is how the eight of us ended up fighting our way through waves of demons trying to get back to the main research building. Well Simpypoo mostly cowered in the middle, and although an accomplished fighter, Claudia isn't tough enough to fight a demon in melee, though she took the occasional highly accurate shot with rifles taken from the abundant supply of dead guards everywhere. Also, Nolae's enchantments and sound amplifying staff aren't super useful against demons. And Sconewick was only useful when he had a shot loaded. So it was mostly Loros, Katny, and Victoria doing the heavy fighting with their abundant supply of magic gear, and me throwing the odd fireball. I started to wonder why Loros and Katny even bothered bringing me to Merciful Bliss as a bodyguard, they could clearly look after themselves. Unfortunately by the time we made it to the roof overlooking the collection antennas, Krakul had gathered several demons of Deadicorn to his side, including a massive demon descriptively known as the "Big Schlonged Giant Rotting Beast" (yes, there is also a Small Schlonged Giant Rotting Beast, got to tell demons apart somehow). Even worse, Krakul had clearly boosted his magical abilities somehow, when we arrived on the roof, he simply used some form of Aether Manipulation to immobilize us while suspending us in mid air, to better listen to his evil monologue obviously. At least Sena was alive, dressed, and unpenetrated, still unconscious where I last saw her. Now if I had a penny for every time I was trapped helpless while some bad guy gave me a long winded monologue about what their plans were, and what they were doing to do to me afterwards, I would have six pennies (fourteen if you include all the times I was just pretending to be helpless). Which doesn't seem like much, but keep in mind it is the sort of thing you don't expect to happen in real life, ever. Krakul gave a better monologue than most, but I was somewhat distracted by the fact that Fi Fi was dry humping the detached leg of some hapless guard in the background. Still I got the gist of what he was saying (invite Deadicorn to enter our world, mass corruption, new realm for Deadicorn, us meddlers getting fused into some horrid human centipede to spend the rest of eternity being tortured and humiliated for Krakul's sick amusement, etc, etc, etc). Unfortunately, I had no idea what to do about this. Even the members of our party carrying magical devices or who could work magic were being blocked somehow. Luckily, just when I though we were completely screwed, all the rainbow sparkly rifts started changing color to black, white, and static-y. Krakul starts freaking out about how his calculations were perfect, and the alignment of planets should have resulted in the Gate leading to Deadicorn's Realm. And then a giant whale like thing feel from the sky and crushed him and his demon minions. Evidently a demon whale, it dissolved into acid and fire, killing any demons that somehow survived the impact. Krakul was the last to die, he wandered about flailing his arms screeching as the acid and fire dissolved even his magically altered body. Upon his death, the suspension magic ended, and we fell to the ground with varying levels of grace. Nolae managed to wake up Sena, and as a group we came up with a new plan to close the gate. [Rest of story censored due to red hot pokemon on pokemon action]
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