Editing FATAL (section)

==Mechanics==
...Are you sure?  Are you ''absolutely'' sure?

...Okay, you asked for it.

The GM is called the "Aedile", because that's an actual Latin-derived word for 'master of the coliseum games', or 'game-master' for short. What is it with authors of explicitly smutty rpg materials like this and "The Book of Erotic Fantasy" that they have to be [[Cato Sicarius|pretentious dicks]] about it?  (Answer: Because in the original version he was... wait for it... the '''Maim'''Master.  You may now groan.)

The intro says you only need to know a little algebra, "and even that is relatively rare."  It also says you only need two d10.  Both of these are '''filthy fucking lies'''.  Ability scores are derived from averaging 'sub-abilities' rolled as '''(10[[d100]]/5)-1''' and modified by one of three different types of percentages, and conditions during the game may change your sub-abilities which means you need to recalculate your ability scores on-the-fly.  Ability score checks are 3d10, so no you need more than two dice. 

Apparently you'll need this "little algebra" because [[what|you solve quadratic formulas to find out whether or not your rape slave is pregnant]]. Then you roll [[What|d10,000,000]] to find out if she's going to have quintuplets. [[Rage|What the fuck]].

The character sheet is '''eleven pages long'''.  There are 20 sub-abilities (including "Enunciation" and "Spatial Intelligence"; also note that by this point in chargen you have already rolled your 2d10 eighty times), which determine 5 ability scores.  The ethics system is a D&D good-evil/lawful-chaotic using "ethics" which is described vaguely differently from "morals" (both of which are based on a butchered reading of Aristotelian philosophy), four different "temperament" scores based on bodily humours (and by the way, the book dedicated '''23 PAGES''' to describing your alignment alone), a primary and secondary temperament in addition to that, and a disposition that is different from that too(which is another 22 pages long). On the second page of the character sheet are the following essential measurements: manhood length, manhood circumference, [[anal circumference]] potential, vaginal circumference potential, vaginal depth potential, areola diameter, nipple length, cup size, tongue size, hymen resistance, areola hue, foot size, fist circumference, head circumference, handedness. These measurements are ''essential'', because during combat your roll may cause you to accidentally start raping your opponent, and how many hitpoints they lose depends on the mismatch between the circumference of your appendage and their orifice.  In case you missed some of that: '''it is possible to accidentally rape an opponent to death during normal combat.''' THEN you have to roll for other things like your height and weight (and then calculate your BMI based on those), most and least attractive features, hair color, skin color, visual acuity, age (which also acts as a modifier for all those abilities and sub-abilities, forcing you to go back and change all those stats again), a check to see if your Intelligence score is low enough to qualify for "[[Stupid|Retard Strength]]" bonuses, birthday, social class, birthplace, number of siblings, and marital status.

In other words, roll randomly for just about everything that any other game system would allow the player to choose for themselves, in the unlikely event that they desperately needed to know the precise size of your foot to the nearest hundredth of an inch.

Among the '''four-hundred and eighteen skills''' each character must keep track of are "Basketweaving" (Hand-Eye, Common Sense), "Clockmaking" (Spatial), "Delousing" (Hand-Eye), "Glovemaking" (Spatial), "Massage" (Kinetic Charisma, Hand-Eye), "Spitting" (Enunciation), and even "Urinating". [[Wat|Yes, pissing is a skill. Yes, you can fail your rolls to piss]], which as you could see in the last section are far more complex than they could possibly need to be.

A character's body has '''seventeen hit-locations''', each with independent hit-point totals, each with their own armour equipment slots, and each of the seventeen pieces of armour have four different types of damage resistance (brawling, hacking, pounding and stabbing).

Magical items range from the mostly useless, to the suicidally dangerous, to the ''completely insane''. Here's a list of notable ones.
*Philter of (race name) Lust: Drink this and every being of the race listed within 100 feet will try to fuck you.
*Cloak of Self-Craving: The wearer will try to perform oral sex on themselves, possibly breaking his/her neck in the process.
*Chastity Belt of Cursed Impregnation: The wearer is knocked up. The difference between this and the uncursed version is that the cursed version always makes the unborn child a girl. Really.
*Jar of Jacking Off: "Whenever a male opens this jar, they must pass a Drive sub-ability check at TH 80 or be compelled to force their fuckstick into the jar. Once inside, the jar will inexplicably grip it firmly and jerk it to completion, even against the will of the opener. Upon completion, the cummer[sic] must roll percentile dice. If the results are 01-10, then the jar becomes pregnant. If the jar is pregnant, it will not allow itself to be opened, but will care for the fetus within, which will be heard screaming by others within 1d100 feet day and night. After 9 months of fetal torture, the child will be born and the jar will break. If the jar is broken during its pregnancy, then the dying and twitching fetus will explode after 1d6 rounds of twitching. The explosion will cause 1d4 Life Points of sonic damage to all within 1d4 miles. Baby parts are inexplicably everywhere. When born, the baby will be Unethical Immoral (translation: Chaotic Evil), will serve the father loyally, will obsessively collect jars, and seem to be male but have no penis, but oversized testicles, which can never ejaculate. Therefore, this child will be forever frustrated. Any child of a jar will insist that others call them “Chucky."" What a reference to the ''Child's Play'' movies is doing in a "historically/mythically accurate RPG" is anyone's guess. Interestingly, this seems to have partially inspired Death Stranding. In hindsight we should have all known Hideo Kojima would be a [[/d/M]].
*Seed of Hate: Planting this seed in front of a druid's house causes a tree to grow that makes everything hate the druid in question. The only way to kill a tree that resulted from this seed is for the druid to start having anal sex with random animals until he sows a "seed of love". This may cause him to develop a bestiality fetish.
*Mirror of Many: A ripoff of the mirror from Evil Dead. 
*[[The Lord of the Rings|Ring of the Lords]]: It's the fucking One Ring.
*Cursed Dildo of Impregnation: The user is impregnated with another dildo, which is likely to kill her.
*(weapon) of Ravishing: The user will occasionally try to rape random women with the weapon, which will somehow impregnate them with another rapist-weapon (that kills them upon giving "birth" to it).
* [[Nazi|Armor of Jewy Jewbacca: "Whosoever dons this armor will acquire a nose twice the size and a manhood half the size. Further, the wearer will become extremely greedy and fight to the death for one silver piece]]. Finally, the wearer acquires 2 inches of hair all over their body, resulting in halving their Facial Charisma and Bodily Attractiveness. While hairy, the wearer must bathe every 1d6 hours or smell foul." There are three other armors just like this which turn the wearer into an ethnic stereotype with no benefits whatsoever. According to Byron, this was supposed to be "controversial humor". So funny everyone forgot to laugh.
*The other armors, if you wanted to satisfy your morbid curiosity:
** [[/pol/|Armour of Nigrous Nincompoopery: Whosoever dons this armour experiences a loss of 1d100 points from each sub-ability of Intelligence, Wisdom, and Charisma.]] The ass of the wearer will grow by 50% and be abnormally high. If the wearer is male, then those around him are 80% likely to believe that his manhood has increased, though it has not. The skin of the wearer becomes cursed and dark as night. Disposition turns to [[Alignment#Chaotic_Evil|Unethical Immoral]]. Temperament becomes phlegmatic. The eyes of the wearer are visible 3 miles away at night. The wearer will have a body odour for 1d10 feet. On the bright side, the Physical Fitness of the wearer increases by 10%. The armour may be removed at will. Also the name translates to "Armour of Nigger Retardation". Smooth.
** Armour of Gookums: Whosoever dons this armour experiences an increase of 1d20 points of Intelligence in each sub-ability and is reduced to 80% of natural Height. The eyelids of the wearer will swell as though hit with a maul, and Vision is reduced to 25%. Most importantly, the Manhood or Cup Size is reduced to 50%. Strangely, the ass of the wearer will shrink, drop, and droop.
** Armour of Greasians: Whosoever wears this armour acquires hair that is greasy and dark, they lose half of their Drive sub-ability, are reduced to 90% of natural Height, are 80% likely to beat their spouse if they have one, and will be magically unemployed for 1d100 days. However, if the wearer plays drums, the wearer gets a bonus of 1d100 to their skill check.
*(weapon) of Torturon: The wielder becomes obsessed with removing his victim's eyes and shoving them into the victim's nose. They also take up sunbathing naked on top of cottages. Okay, that's oddly specific and rather disturbing, especially given that one of Byron Hall's friends is called Torturon...

The magic system is split into ceremonial magic (which is situational at best and often utterly useless for doing anything you might actually need) and chaos magic (which requires you to perform a ritual that requires a roll on a large-ass syllable chart in case it requires a chant to perform, some random ingredients you might not even be able to acquire, and can take days to perform the required ritual). An example of a few spells follows; italicized spell names are ceremonial magic, and everything else is chaos magic:
*''Against Every Wild Animal, Aquatic Creature, and Robbers'': Keeps wild animals, aquatic creatures, and robbers away from you. Everything else that can kill you can still do so.
*Call God: Summons a god. The rulebook specifically states that whatever god in question will not be happy about being summoned and will probably kill the caster. 
*''Eternal Spell for Binding a Lover'': Smear the listed ingredients on the head of your dick, and when you fuck someone with it they'll beg you to stick it in them at least once a day. (Numerous other "love spells" with similar effects are also present.)
*Fatal: [[Exterminatus|Kills everything on whatever horrid world the game takes place on, including the user.]] If only every game started with this spell being cast.
*Force Fart: Forces the target to fart, obviously. 
*Have Her Cadaver: Cast this on a dead woman and she'll look, sound, smell, taste, and feel just like she was alive but unconscious. The spell description explicitly states that it is meant to aid necrophilia. Draw your own conclusions.
*Oroanal: The victim's mouth now doubles as his anus (or vice versa). Did we mention that the effects of this spell are permanent?
*Perpetual Orgasm:...take a fucking guess. The rulebook mentions that not only does this kill the target, but also that they continue to have an orgasm even after they die. 
*Prognathism: The target's skull becomes prognathous - the lower half extends, the upper half retracts, Intelligence sub-abilities will be reduced by 15% and the target's speech will become "slang". [[/pol/|Yes, this is what you think]].
*''Test of Pregnancy'': Self-explanatory, and disturbingly likely to be necessary.  
*Wish: Like the DnD version, but the GM is encouraged to be [[That Guy|as literal as possible, even picking a definition of the word at random if word has multiple definitions]]. A character wishes for a lot of gold? He gets several thousand pounds of gold bars. Dropped on top of him. 

And then there are the miscast tables, which have a variety of notably bizarre effects, including but certainly not limited to:
*The next shit you take coming to life and trying to kill you.
*Fruit growing out of the caster's penis/vagina, which can be consumed for stat bonuses.
*Gay ogres popping out of nowhere and trying to have buttsex with everyone nearby. [[Meme|It's all ogre now]].
*A "scratch and sniff" vagina appears on the caster's head.
*[[Mutant|An eyeball appears on the caster's penis]], and can somehow act as a lie detector.
*The target's skin turns black. [[/pol/|"Aedile may decide appropriate penalties."]]
*A gerbil falls out of the target's asshole. This was probably inspired by that urban legend about Richard Gere. You know the one.
*The caster or target become compelled to say ridiculous shit that sounds like it was ripped off from death metal. 
*The nearest woman is convinced that her name is "Cuntrina", and insists that everyone nearby refers to her as such.
*A disembodied penis with wings appears and tries to rape everything nearby.
*Accidentally consuming the enemy while being raped.
*Accidentally cast FATAL (see above). Everybody hopes to get this one.
And many, many more.

Classes are no less peculiar- they range from the standard fare of Warriors, Mages, and the like to things which no sane person would play (such as Delousers, Inkmakers, and of course Whores, who get a longer write-up than most other classes combined save for the ones with giant tables). Every class earns AP (the equivalent of experience points) in different ways, and in some cases it is earned so slowly that a character (or even their player) can die of old age before they even reach level 2.

TL;DR: It takes all the overcomplexity of World of Synnibar - which, I shit you not, had an equation to show how hard you could breathe - took out the lore, classes and just about everything else that made Synnibar worth a damn, added so many sexual perversions (which the introduction has the '''sheer fucking audacity''' to claim as being present due to "historic/mythical relevance") that it would make ''Slaanesh'' look twice, and shat out one of the worst RPG systems ever conceived.