Editing Luke (section)

=== Prologue ===
I think everyone I play with these days is a That Guy, just more the awesomeface type and less the fag up the session and get everyone annoyed type.

That said, over the years I've had the pleasures of three f-tards.

The first. The first I shall call Luke, for that was his name. He was housemates with my friends in first and second year at Uni, and I had the misfortune of living with him in third. He was prettymuch stereotypical worst-case That-Guy neckbeard. To call him repellent would have been doing an injustice; he had an odour that preceded him by several minutes. His teeth were, quite literally, green. In the year I lived with him, he never showered once, never washed, never cleaned up after himself, never did dishes, never shaved, nothing. You could see people edge away from him as he entered rooms. You could actually see the moment the smell violated their scent receptors, as their face would suddenly freeze in horror.

He moved out of our house the day before the contract expired - we'd never seen the inside of his room until this point I'll add; none of us could brave the odour. We insisted he kept his door shut. As we were finishing moving out, I heard a scream from one of the girls who was moving in, and went (all chivalrous like) to investigate.
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I wasn't quite prepared for what was in that room.

The smell, even after my other housemate had opened the window in there the day before, was appalling. You could see ... 'stuff' ... hanging in the air from the light that filtered in through windows caked with handprints. There was still filth everywhere in there - the carpet must have been inch thick with shed hair, bits of food, discarded wank rags, and discared wrappers. It was disgusting. Weirdly, there were wood shavings under the window, where he appeared to have been gnawing on the windowsill...

What had made the girl scream though was she had gone to flip the mattress, presumably in the hopes that the remains of Luke would thus be as far from her body as possible.

It looked like Luke had done that first, to conceal ... well. There was a stain. A huge. Rancid. Black. Stain. About crotch height, and about three foot around. I don't know what the fuck he did; if he shit himself or what; but it was ... it was terrifying.
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The only time I ever saw Luke clean was when his evidently long-suffering parents picked him up for weekends. He'd always return looking slightly thinner and paler, red-raw and clean shaven. My guess is they put him out back and blasted him with a pressure hose. The parents were really nice - how they spawned him I have no idea.

They were also really, really rich; meaning this kid was spoiled as high fuck, and loved to use it to one up people. I remember saving up most of my money to buy a new computer - at the time it was top of the line, and I was proud as fucking hell of it. It took a massive chunk of my money, but god it was glorious. I felt like the king of the fucking internet at the time. People coming round just to bask in the glory of it, it was fantastic.

Three days later, Luke turns up, and looks all interested in it. The next fucking day, his parents have bought him almost the exact same computer, just with a bigger monitor and better surround; and at his insistence all of those tacky little mods that just make you go 'faggot'. Gold plated, premium brand, cables; more LEDs than you can handle, that kinda shit.

I'll point out at the time his computer hadn't been that much worse than mine - he just couldn't stand not having the best one.

This repeated itself later when I got a laptop; I blew all my money on one that was the best I could afford - his parents bought him an alienware one. FFFf-
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I'm now having horrible flashbacks of his keyboards and mice. And of the time I went to play something on media player on his computer and saw his file history...

The kid musta gotten OFF on being that dirty.

And the best bit? The VERY best bit? He was studying to become a doctor.

He was also a consummate liar. He just seemed to be unable to tell the truth, even to the simplest things. He would come out with ... stories. Some of Luke's stories were legendary; but the one that still sticks with me is "The Time He Won 30,000 Pounds At A Counterstrike Tournament, But Had To Give It Back Because They Found Out He'd Been Wallhacking".

But I digress - this should be about how he's /tg/ related.

Well, he played Magic the Gathering for a start. And his decks were almost invariably terrible. He had a hardon for Samurai during Kamigawa, but played them incredibly defensively; he'd dump thirty creatures and then sit there. He had a hardon for Qumulox during Mirrodin - he'd literally throw one in every deck running. He'd make up the rules for cards, and have to query every card by grabbing it off the table (leaving horrible, horrible marks on a card - we actually have one somewhere that has his finger prints marked into the paper from some substance on his hands at the time)... and then he'd forget what stuff did within thirty seconds and have to do it again.
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He would consistently try and do things that were mind numbingly obviously wrong - I CAST TERROR ON THE PIT TRAP was the big one that sticks with me. Mostly because he tried it about eight times.

It was like everything you told him was a square peg for a round hole - somehow information just didn't relay itself from the real world into his head.

... we did manage to take advantage of his annoying habit of picking up cards during one game with unhinged; where we had that card that does you damage when you touch it. The guy playing the deck pulled out some big rubber gloves and played it. Luke immediately reaches over, grabs it and reads it. Puts it down on his side of the table. Picks it up to look at it again, then puts it down again. Realises it's on the wrong side of the table and slides it back. Next round, he picks it up again just to check.

His redeeming feature was it meant that you never came last in a multiplayer game.

He also played D&D. He even DM'd once.
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He was a huge weeaboo. Every character had flowing hair, and katanas, and I'm sure he tried at least once to have one with wings. (And the one that had 'Skin Colour: Normal' listed on the sheet, something that made the entire table crack up when it came to light.)

He would make up his stats and modifiers - his character sheet itself would bear no resemblance to anything even remotely like the rules; and all of the various numbers listed would be completely unrelated to each other. He would literally roll a dice, and then say another random number anytime he was called to do anything. It got to the point where one DM sat him down, and walked him through the entirety of character creation again based on the classes he had listed, and ended up having to prettymuch adjust everything about him - he was about eight levels higher than us, had two stats that implied he'd rolled a nineteen, extra feats, all kinds of crap.

He still just made up numbers when he felt like it.

It was this occasion where we saw the inside of his character folio though. He had this little black book that he used for character sheets, and he's sit during sessions leant back with a pencil, with the book folded up like he was fairly obviously writing things surreptitiously, but we'd just ignored it as being him being fucking weird.

Turns out he'd been drawing. Very bad porn. Of Dizzy from Guilty Gear. And wolves. And, well, prettymuch everything you see on the ass end of deviantart. And there were pages that were stuck together; or smeared from him obviously having stroked them ...

Shit makes me cringe just thinking about it.
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I'll add that at the time we were playing in games where there were regularly six or seven players; so he was fairly marginalised, and most of why we put up with him. That and people lived with him, so you could never quite escape him following.

He played a rogue once, after having seen someone else - possibly me this time - do it (he had a thing for copying other people's characters, prettymuch verbatim, and then just describing them weeaboo, and sulking when they did stuff he did better than them).

You know the apocryphal story about the player who goes up to the LG Captain of the Guard and says 'Oh and by the way, I'm chaotic evil, so if you ever need anyone assassinated, just ask me *WINK*'? ... Yeah. .... Yeah. He then proceeds to get pissy and storm off when the guard turns round and arrests him.

He also played a Blackguard in an evil game, where we were basically resurrected villains of the gameworld's past, called together to do great dastardly works and whatnot. He decided, without checking with the DM, he was the High Priest of the evil god that the people ressing us worked for. He then gave this huge long back story about how he'd assaulted a great banquet of paladins with his army, but been defeated, and then resurrected, and that's why he was here.

It took us a minute to think this through - this great and powerful high priest who in the backstory was slaying heroes left right and center, pissing on altars and sleeping with beautiful women, whose name was apparently legendary... had knowingly attacked a gathering of paladins having lunch.. and lost. (This eventually evolved into the tale of how Luke Attacked The Sunday School Trip To Pizza Hut With A Cabbage And Lost.) That's before you even get to the disconnect with how he "roleplayed" it, and how he described it.
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''(At this point another Anon, presumably Sirk or Nairda, pipes in.)''

Sadly I was never around for him DMing his own game - and I've only heard some of the stories of how bad it was; mostly involving how he was a railroading asshole, with no idea of how the rules worked. And how he turned one of the PCs into a scalie with a tail that got longer by a foot a day, and increased the PCs stats by +2 every foot it grew. ... He also had a DMPC paladin that kept turning up and winking, making the bad guys explode; or completely disabling the players so he could go off on a huge fanwank exposition of how something really awesomely supercool was happening - with the obvious caveat that this was Luke, and his ability to describe ubersupercool was limited to IT NEEDS MORE KATANAS AND WINGS AND SPARKLES."
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It ... it says enough for itself really. Lets just say a lot of the filenames were anagrams of 'cats', and that his chair had these mysterious white stains in a small triangle near the front of the seat that he claimed were from him dropping yoghurt.

Anyway, I have to head out for a bit - so I can't regale you with much more of the tales of Luke and his terrible.

Beyond that though, I just have to deal with the Homebrewer-Who-Can-Only-Roleplay-Himself (aka Chaotic Stubbornly-Stupid); The Railroading Pedophile Rules Lawyer (who doesn't know the rules, has hygeine and self-care almost as bad as luke, and is just generally another asshole); and the short period where The Guy Who Wants To Play The Little (cat)Girl And Seduce The PCs joined a game I was running.

The upside is I also get to play with someone who regularly plays Lawful Good right - or Alzheimer's Dwarf when he's trolling the two bad DMs - someone who plays Chaotic Angry right and has a fairly enjoyable if mary-sue-dmpc-heavy homebrew system (he gets away with it because we don't take it seriously, and he seems to actually enjoy that), and a guy who loves playing minmaxed fighter types as embittered heroes.

'''''Thus ended the prelude , and thus began the first thread.'''''