Editing Dwarf (section)

=Dwarf Fortress=
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This is how Dwarves appear in [[Dwarf Fortress]].
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===Dwarven Physiology===
[[Image:KHALID_OAKDICK.jpg|KHALID OAKDICK, BEARDKING OF THE KINGBEARD CLAN!|300px|thumb|right]]
Dwarves typically consist of seventeen main organs: The beard (yes, female dwarves have these too), the boozehole, the gratuitous Celtic accent, 13 livers and an axe. Many outsiders erroneously dismiss a dwarf's axe as an implement of the most common trade, but recent experiments probing into dwarven society (and consuming dwarven booze) have revealed that it is in fact a rare biological example of a fully detachable organ.

The beard is used primarily for attracting mates, and probably something to do with converting argon gas into vitamin C. I mean, these guys live on mead and rocks, so they gotta get antioxidants somehow, right? We'll just go with that. The only notable thing to remember about dwarf beards is that when a pansy human and a dwarf argue over whether or not shaved chicks are better, they're probably not on the same page. The thirteen livers do the same thing as a human liver, just thirteen times better (equaling 169 times the alcohol). Maybe other shit, too, but dwarves don't have time for boring biology crap. Moving on. Boozeholes are for booze. There's other shit you can throw in there too, but those things mostly just act like a sponge, hampering the booze-absorption process. If a particularly whiny dwarf feels the need to "not starve to death," he can fill his empty boozehole with some nice non-porous rocks, or maybe a stack of five wine and rendered fat biscuits if he's really desperate. The accent is used for interrace relations, since dorfs typically spice up their sentences with foul swears and oaths the incomprehensibility of the accent is the only reason a dorf-notdorf alliance was ever made.

==Mating Practices==
The dwarven male touches the female and promptly impregnate them. She then immediately falls in love with the dwarf male (love was originally something created for record keeping but has evolved into the ability to share one's room) and has a baby nine months later. Then the baby dies on a goblin's -copper spear-

Dwarfs do not [[half-dwarf|interbreed]] with the other races. Dwarf sperm is too corrosive to fertilize any woman that doesn't have +4 save vs. poison, and dwarven wombs don't even acknowledge the weak spoor of even the most fecund of human gigolos. The only [[half-dwarf]] is a bisected dwarf, likely from an unfortunate axeident.

==Society==
Dwarven cities, called "fortresses", are underground. Now, we're not talking nice little hillside retreats full of plenty of free cake and fat, chain-smoking midgets. I'm looking at you, "Ring Bearer." No, dwarves live in mountains they carve out themselves with their bare fucking hands. I kid you not. Those *copper picks* are purely status symbols.

Your average dwarf spends his free time wishing he had more to do or, ideally, has no free time. If a dwarf ain't busy building something huge, epically awesome and dwarfy, he ain't happy. Idleness in dwarves has been medically proven to result in depression, erectile dysfunction, chronic sobriety, facial pattern baldness and [[elves|pointy ears]].

Other honorable pursuits among dwarves include digging, metalworking, stoneworking, brewing booze, killing goblins, killing kobolds, thinking of new ways to kill giants, tragically neglecting safety protocol when visited by elven liaisons, swindling gullible elves and humans, and drinking contests.

Dwarven politics are a funny thing, even if they are obviously superior to all that sissy tall people "let's talk about our problems" bullshit. Upon visiting a [[Dwarf Fortress|dwarven stronghold]], you will notice a perhaps disproportionate number of dwarves running around draped in purple velvet and pimpin' bling. Absolutely fucking useless.

No, if you want to find the guy in charge, whip out your measuring stick, 'cause the largest beard you come across is likely attached to the boozehole giving the orders. The owners of these beautiful, shaggy neck blankets often go for bonus points by decking out their beards with thick braids and two-ton cast iron phallic symbols and whatever else their presumably dwarfy square jaws can support. If you need a question answered, these are the guys who'll tell you "no, fuck you, we're doing it my way."

==Religion==
[[File:Ironbeard_dwarfbreath.JPG|300px|thumb|right|Dwarves will build elaborate floodgates and use them as weapons, even as their clothes rot from their bodies.]]
In a time before time, the god of blood ([[Khorne|no, not that one... at least probably not]]) created the universe on a colossal anvil, and then molded the first dwarves with earth, blood, and magma. He also molded the other races out of mud and dust, but he was less than pleased with them. Then He sat back, and as the universe grew older and more peaceful, He grew bored.

He called his children around Him, and said. "Dwarves. This universe grows boring. I will remake it on the forge of creation, unless it becomes less boring"

The dwarves were obviously terrified. And then Urist, the firstborn and the bravest of them, had an idea. He asked His god how could they possibly make the universe less boring for Him.

So He gave His chosen people, the dwarves, their holy mission: to make this world a world of everlasting conflict, so He may escape divine boredom. He gave them their tools of war : the axe, the hammer, the floodgate and the lever, so they may shed blood and magma in His name.

Dwarves worship the stone and earth that surrounds them. Each strike of the pick is a psalm, and each tunnel is a sacrament, and the miner is the dwarves's priest.

Dwarves worship the fiery magma that they were made of. Magma is a purifying force and therefore they pour it on [[elf|elves]], kobolds, goblins and other less worthy creatures.

Dwarves also worship blood, as one of the elements of life, and shed the blood of lesser creatures because it pleases Him, else the universe will be set upon the anvil of creation to be reforged.

Everything a dwarf does is to please their god of blood.

The song of the pick and of the battle axe is music to His ears. The magma-charred corpse of an elf is food to His hunger. The spilled lifeblood of goblins is drink for His insatiable thirst.

PRAISE ARMOK! BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!
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