Editing Heretical Love (section)

===Thread 18===

Gertrude had been a servant girl for the Golden Throne as far back as she cared to remember. Her old bony hands knew every step, every inch of the gleaming monument.

She was blessed, at least in her own mind, to be able to see the Emperor every day as she cleaned. Though he was in a horrible state, it bothered her not. He was her Emperor, and she venerated him.

So it was with great, incomprehensible shock, that she stared upon entering the throne room.

Where once sat a shriveled, almost corpse like husk...

Now sat a gleaming, glowing being of unimaginable power. The Emperor still sat, having not moved, but no longer wretched looking.

"My... My Emperor..." She could barely whisper, her legs failing her and Gertrude crumpled down onto the floor, unable to do anything but stare.

Did she just see the faint flash of a smile? No, impossible...
----
"Two showers..." Senna stares, completely spaced out, into the mug of something hot and steaming in front of her.

"It took two showers to wash it all off..." She doesn't even make a move to take a drink.

"Serves you right for injecting me with that stuff." You laugh, looking out the porthole at the crew securing the ship back in it's home berth.

A knock on the door.

"Whats up?" You ask, pulling it open.

Teach is scratching his dark beard, his tough eyes giving the room a once over.

"Did you guys get attacked last night? It looks like a damn murder scene in here."

"Never mind that." You tell him, leading him out of the room and back into the hallway. Light streams in through the oval panes of glass set in the side of the ship.

"Should I be... Uh... Worried about the condition I brought this thing back in?"

"Yes." Teach says simply, raising an eyebrow.

"Shit."

"Doesn't mean you have to go tell him about it right off the bat. He's still pretty swamped with paperwork from what I hear."

Hmm... As the old proverb goes, you could put off today what you could accomplish tomorrow...

“I should probably just get it over with, shouldn’t I?” You ask, as though inquiring about your own funeral, which this could likely result in.

“Maybe? Vect can be pretty reasonable when he wants to be, maybe you’ll catch him in a good mood?” Teach shrugs.

Somehow you doubt you will…

The twins, upon hearing what you are about to do, inform you that they have to go do some "girl stuff" and are gone before you can protest. Damn those two, making you take the fall for this...

A secretary waits where you were told to go. Vect seems to be in an office rather than his own personal study.

“You got an appointment?” She asks in her nasally voice as she pops a bubble of gum and files her nails.

“No, well, not exactly. Can you just let Vect know I brought his daughters back safe?”

The secretary sighs, as though you’d just asked if she would do some arduous back breaking labor for you without getting paid for it.

“Mr. Vect.” She says, pushing down an intercom, “This guy here says he brought your daughters back or something.”

“Parker?” You hear Vect ask through the system.

“Yeah.” She says in her drawn out accent.

“It’s Max, actually…” She doesn’t seem to care, though.

“Send him right in!”

You gulp as the door opens, a torrent of wispy smoke billowing out of it.

“Parker?!” Comes the gruff voice from inside the room, which despite a small voice screaming in the back of your mind “RUN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE MAN!!!”, you enter.

“…Max, actually…”

“Right right, Max.” Vect is reading a paper of some kind, while his other hand searches across his desk for a cup. Judging from the smell, you think he’s got a cigar.

“So I heard you banged my ship up pretty rough.”

“Well… We uh, got into a fight with some Necrons.”

Vect sets down his paper on the desk.

“I don’t give a fuck about that.” He pulls the cigar out of his mouth and extinguishing it in a tray.

“Are my daughters safe?” He asks, his eyes steel hard.

“Very.”

“Well then, what’s the problem?” He sighs in relief, and kicks his feet up onto the desk, massaging his temples.

“Uhh… You aren’t… Mad? About the ship?”

Vect raises an eyebrow as he stares hard at you, as though mulling over your question.

“To be completely honest with you, I didn’t expect that you would actually bring it back.”

This catches you a bit off-guard.

“Huh?”

Vect sits forward again, folding his hands together and setting them on his massive wooden desk.

“Let me tell you something, Max. I love those two daughters of mine, as much as a father can. That doesn’t change one simple fact, those two are quite possibly the most random destructive force in the galaxy.”

As he talks, he leans over and picks out a large green binder from atop a cabinet.

“Here, take a look.” He sets it before you, and opens it to the middle.

You almost laugh at what you see. Almost.

The pictures consist of many different variations of the same theme. Something; a pleasure yacht, a large skiff, a home, absolutely destroyed. The twins stand in front of the frame in every one, smiling sheepishly.

“My daughters have never brought anything back. They destroy things, plain and simple. You give them a vehicle to control or a house to stay in, and unless you are watching them like a hawk, it’s crashed and burning within the day.”

You don’t bother mentioning that it seems to be a trait you share as well…

“So, we’re cool, then?” You finally pipe up.

“Eh? Sure, whatever. Now get out of my office, I need to get back to work.” He shoos you away with one hand as he reaches for a communicator.

“Hey Parker.” He stops you at the door, and you turn around.

“…Max.”

“Got any pictures of the Galactic Partridges? Good ones? I’d pay you for them.”

“No, sorry.”

“Doomrider? That guy is hot shit right now, really sells out the stands.”

“No, but I can probably get you some, I guess? You run a news paper business?”

"Bitch, I'm Vect. I do everything." He gives you a thumbs-up before waving you off, and starts talking on the device in his hand.

The twins are waiting for you outside the secretary’s room, both of them looking quite anxious.

“Gee guys, thanks for throwing me under the bus. Your dad says he’s going to toss me into the arena again.”

Both of them startle in panic, grabbing onto you wide-eyed.

“W-what?!” Senna gasps, frantically looking around as though she could spot something to save you.

“He did? Oh no, we thought he’d go easy on you!” Senda bites her nails.

“Totally screwing with you.” You stick out your tongue at them.

“Uggghhh!!!!” Senna bites your shoulder, looking quite angry.

“Jerk.” Senda folds her arms, but you can tell she’s relieved.

“You deserved it, entirely.”

They both nod.

“Anyways, we really do have some stuff we need to get done. We’re both slated to be MC’s for this year’s annual Raiding-Party awards ceremony and neither of us has anything written up yet.” Senda hands you a flier.

“You guys are… Famous?”

“Duh, we’re daughters of the big V, of course we are.” Senna grins.

You walk them back to their room, and they pause at the door.

“We really had fun with you, Max.” Senda smiles.

“Don’t let her fool you, we both really REALLY like you!” Senna gives her sister a playful shove.

“So you’d better come see us again!” They chime in unison, before planting a tandem kiss on your lips.

“Will do.”

With that, they disappear into their chambers.

“You’ve got quite some nerve, motherfucker.” A familiar voice from behind you.

Turning around, you recognize the Dark Eldar pilot who had ferried you around twice now. Only this time, he’s clad in far more regal looking equipment, a look of smug satisfaction on his face. He grins.

“You’re one excellent motherfucker, you know that? That word you put in for me? Yeah. I’m going to be in charge of this place as soon as Vect gets everything finalized.”

“Thought you’d like that.” You grin back.

“Fuck yeah. Now the twins told me they’ve got some work to get done, and knowing them it’s going to take every ounce of concentration and their mother standing over them with a whip, so we gotta get you out of here before they get sidetracked.” He gestures, and you start following him.

“Those two ever get any work done?” You inquire.

“Rarely, now where do you want to go?”

You climb into the ship, the Dark Eldar looking quite happy as he flips switches in his pre-flight check.

Rustling through your stuff, wondering what it was exactly that Eight is up to, your hand grabs something from a pocket and you pull it out.

Oh shit, you’d forgotten you’d had those bloodbowl tickets.

Oh fuck, the game is TODAY IN AN HOUR!!!

Quickly you whip out your communicator, dialing in Kaleshi’s number.

You snap the device to your ear, its ringing.

Come on, come on pick up…

“Hi, it’s Kaleshi, probably out helping dad get some skulls and can’t come to th…”

SHIT!

You cancel the communication and dial it again.

“Pick up damn it…”

Only one last ring left, fuuuuuucckk…

“…Max?”

“Damn girl, answer your calls!”

“Hah! Was Max getting all weak-kneed at the prospect of me not acknowledging him?” Kaleshi laughs.

“Anyways, what’s up?” She asks.

“Well, what are you doing today? In like, an hour?”

“Hmmm?” Kaleshi pauses.

“Well… Daddy wanted to take me along with him to the big game today, why, did you have something in mind?”

“Yeah, as much as I think your dad is a swell guy, I’m taking you to that game. So throw on your sexy panties, let him know, and figure out a way to get me to… Ulagansh…? Because you are going with me.”

“I am SO hot right now.”

“Just as planned. Now seriously, how are we getting to that other planet?”

The Dark Eldar pilot looks over at you, probably wondering where to go.

“Just drop me off in the nearest town.” You block off the receiver and tell him.

The craft lurches to a start, soaring through the air in a hurried frenzy of whining engines. The pilot seems to be enjoying the flight more than usual, and you guess it probably has something to do with his recent promotion.

“So yeah, how are we getting to that planet? Can Doomrider pick me up?” You ask, hoping he can.

“Oh, that will be pretty easy for me. I’ll just pull you through the warp and bring us out on the other side there.” She tells you, as though it was the same as just the everyday drive to the market.

“Doomrider is busy...” She adds.

Well, whatever, so long as it will work.

“Here good?” The pilot asks, and you brofist him as he sets the craft down. With one last wave, you pile out.

“See you around!” He shouts to you before easing the vehicle back up.

“Alright babe, I’m on the ground now. Do you need my location or something? How does this work? Is it dangerous?”

Kaleshi laughs.

“Don’t worry, don’t worry. I’m going to get ready real quick so I’ll send my dog to pick you up. No it isn’t dangerous, that’s only for psychers.”

“Uhhh… Got some bad news then…”

But she’s already hung up!

Before you can dial her again, a warp hole opens up. You peer at it curiously, nothing happening for several seconds…
Until a massive armored creature leaps forth, frothing at the mouth and growling as it bounds toward you.

“Oh fuuuucccckkkk!!!” You break to run, but too late. The creature snaps you up in its jaws before turning around and sprinting back into the warp hole.

What you emerge as on the other side… Dear Emperor, you horrify yourself.

When your world finally stops spinning, you can actually focus. The giant dog thing has dropped you, though not out of wanting to perhaps, but out of necessity.

After all, you are now at least fifteen feet tall or so. Your armor flickers and glows with warp energy, barely large enough to contain your new body that strains against it. With dread, you feel your head and sure enough notice two bony horns jutting from your skull.

“Oh no. This is not good…” Your booming voice fills the small circular room.

Kaleshi pokes her head out of a door, soap in her hair, you can hear the shower steaming in the background.

“Oh!” She looks excited.

“I didn’t know you were actually a daemon prince!”

You look at yourself in a nearby mirror, and almost lose it completely. Sure enough, your mortal self is gone. In its place you now stand, a towering figure of the might of chaos embodied.

“Ho ho! Dad must like you!” She snaps her fingers as if this was more than completely all right in her book.

“I don’t like it, not one bit.” You turn to her.

“Please tell me there’s a way to change back…”

“Huh? Why would you want to do that?” Kaleshi asks.
“Gah, walk over here, I need to finish my shower.” The khornette adds quickly before ducking back inside the room.

You follow her inside, and take a seat on the toilet.

“It kind of messes with my vibe, in a very bad way. There is a way to undo it… Right?” You ask. Though you can see her sleek and well toned body through the semi-blurred glass of the shower, it really isn’t enough to take your mind off this more pressing matter.

“Well, if you REALLY want to undo it, I’m sure Tzeentch can.” Kaleshi assures you as she rinses out her silvery hair.

“Can she? Great!” You suddenly feel a whole lot better.

“Well yeah, but if we do that now we will miss the game. Besides, you look pretty bad-ass and one date out together like that would be pretty cool.”

Bad ass? Really? You check yourself in the bathroom mirror, seeing your new form for a second time. Yeah maybe, what with the spikes and the glowing red armor with gold lining and all. It isn’t necessarily a bad look, it just isn’t YOU.

Wait, what are you trying to tell yourself!? This is time to fucking panic, you don't want to be a daemon prince!!!

"Kaleshi I..."

But the shower door being slammed open cuts you off. The khornette stands there, a massive grin on her face. She looks like she's staring off into the distance, a big smile on her face.

"Quit worrying, we'll get it sorted out you wuss. Now, its time for BLOODBOWL!"

She leaps out of the shower, wrapping a towel around herself mid-air, and sprints back into her room. You hear drawers flying open as she grabs clothes out.

You walk out to her main room, and see she’s already ready to go. In place of her armor; nakedness, or dress, really the only three things you’ve seen her wear, is a jersey. It’s got all the colors of the chaos gods, and a big “# 81 DOOMRIDER” across the back and another 81 on the front. Her shorts are tantalizingly short, and you get sprung, wanna pull out your plasma gun.

“Ready to go!?” She shouts, excited, as she grabs hold of your arm. Which is now about as big around as your entire body used to be.

“Maybe?”

“Great, let’s go!!!” With one last giant grin, the khornette teleports you.

With a crackle of arcane energy, you appear again, only this time in a place truly bizarre. The sky above is a dark hue of violet, and black clouds move across it at a bizarrely fast pace. The stadium is massive, and incredibly crowded.

From the looks of it, nearly every race is represented. Though the vast majority are Orks in their red, blue, and green jerseys of their favorite players, and daemons in the same style of fashion.

“Wow, this is a pretty popular sport.” You muse, forgetting about your current predicament almost entirely.

“You mean you’ve never been to a bloodbowl game?!” She shouts, looking quite shocked.

“Can’t say I have.” You shrug, which is awkward with the giant axe clutched in your hand.

“Oh, you want to drop that off at the weapon check?” She asks.

“Please.”

Kaleshi leads you around after dropping off the axe. The weirdboy at the counter handed you a ticket to reclaim the axe on your way back out after the game.

The khornette is incredibly excited, that much you can be certain. She’s sprinting hand-in-hand with you between different vendors. Some she stops at long enough to maybe even look at something before running off again.

“Hey, what are we looking for, anyways?” You finally ask, after being dragged to the twentieth or so stall.

“Huh? Oh. Bloodcorn.”

Bloodcorn?

She must have found it, because she cheers, her face alight.
The vendor, a scraggly looking old chaos marine, dishes her out a large bowl of the vibrant red snack. Kaleshi munches on it happily as you pull her away to go find your seats.

You can’t seem to find them. Mostly due to the fact you can’t read whatever crazy language half the ticket is written in.

“Hey, can you even read this shit?” You offer her the tickets and she takes them from you.

“Tickets? Why would we need tickets? I’m the daughter of Khorne, we’ve got a private box waiting for us.” She gives you a look as though this were completely obvious.

“Then what about these tickets?” You ask, looking them over.

“Eh, don’t need em. Doomrider gave them to you, didn’t he?”
“Yeah, why?”

“Just wondering. Don’t worry, he won’t care where you sit.”
With that, she takes you by the hand again and starts leading you up a massive staircase. You climb for what feels like an hour. Not that it’s a particularly hard climb, it’s just difficult to maneuver your massive frame through the crowd.

Finally, she steers you right and through an impressive looking door marked with the symbol of Khorne. You pause in the entryway.

“Is uh… Your dad here?” You ask.

“Oh no, of course not silly!” Kaleshi giggles.

“How would he coach from all the way up here?” She grins, pulling you further into the room.

You take the seat next to her, looking around in the lavish place the two of you have entirely to yourselves.

“Oh man, I’m so excited!” She is almost bouncing from the pent up energy.

As if on cue, speakers in the room crackle to life.

“Ladies and gentlemen. Daemons and Orks. Everyone else… Welcome! Welcome welcome! To the twenty thousandth annual Universal Champions Superb Owl!” The booming voice is almost drowned out by the roar of the crowd.

“I’m joined tonight, as always, by John Madden. John, tell me, what do you think the key to this game is going to be tonight?”

“Well Keith, the key to tonight’s game is going to be scoring points while not letting the other team score points. Also, neither team is going to want to lose their star players so dismembering each other is going to be crucial.”

“Straightforward as always, John. Five minutes to kickoff folks!”

Kaleshi can’t stand sitting anymore, she jumps up and rips open a nearby fridge.

“Want one?” She asks, holding out a glowing red drink in a bottle.

“Sure.” You answer, without even thinking it through.

“So hey, is Doomrider going to be joining us here tonight?” You wonder out loud absent mindedly, watching the khornette’s bent over ass as she continues to fish around the fridge.

“Are you dense? Maybe after, but the team needs their star receiver.” She finally settles for the same drink as you, plus a bowl of something that she pours over her bloodcorn.

“Doomrider plays for the daemons?”

“Well yeah, how do you think he got those tickets?” She says before stuffing her mouth with the concoction in the bowl.

“Oh man, bloodcorn with extra blood. So good.” Kaleshi mumbles as she munches away.

You start feeling excited now, watching the field below as both teams pile onto it from their respective sides. Sure enough, you spot Doomrider out there.

“Now the key to a good kickoff return is to run without getting caught by the defense.” Madden says over the system.

“Hey Max, screw the seats let’s take this couch over.” She points to a couch sitting as close to the glass as it can.

“Sounds good.” You aren’t going to complain. The two of you crash down onto it.

Kaleshi sets the bowl aside, half empty, with a satisfied sigh.

“I can never have enough of that stuff.” She smiles as she kicks up her feet and sets them on your lap. You aren’t really a foot guy, but even you have to admit there is something alluring about her well manicured feet as you watch them bounce idly.

Both of you are quickly engrossed in watching as the game starts. The Daemons lost the toss and the Orks have elected to receive. A tall, spindly looking Daemon give the ball a hard boot which sends it sailing back into the Ork line. Apparently with enough force to knock the Ork who caught it… No wait, it blew a hole right through him and kept going.

“What a kick! What. A. Kick!” Keith shouts excitedly over the roar of the crowd.

The Orks scramble, managing to get the ball to the twenty yard line before being piled by a group of quite large and nasty looking Daemons.

Madden mumbles something excitedly, you don’t think anyone could have understood it as he squeals in delight when a Daemon slams into the Ork quarterback, knocking him hard to the ground.

“Oh that hit. I think I came!” Kaleshi shouts, taking a swig of her drink.

You try some of your own, and are actually pretty surprised that you find it quite to your liking.

“Hey, what is this?” You ask, holding the bottle up.

“Oh. Chaos Spawn blood.” Kaleshi tells you like it was just everyday water.

Gross… But you can’t help yourself and drink more, it is pretty damn good.

The game is really starting to heat up now, the Orks having been held to a field goal. The Daemons seem content enough with this, though Khorne is busying himself shredding papers and snapping clipboards in half as seven or so Daemons try to calm him down.

Doomrider goes on a long passing route, and the quarterback finds him deep in the backfield. With an agile leap and juke, the flaming headed daemon makes the rest of the run to the touchdown in a half-dance, half-run, before spiking the ball and raising his arms to the roar of the crowd. A yellow flag lands at his feet.

“Excessive celebra…” The ref never gets a chance to finish, one of the Daemon’s offensive line belts him in the head, crumpling it inward. No one seems to care.

You find yourself really starting to get into it now, cheering and booing along with the cute khornette alongside you. Until things start to go south, and the first and second string quarterback for the Daemons are both knocked out. Well, decapitated…

A whistle blows.

“And with that, we end the fourth quarter. Score tied at twenty one-twenty one as we go into overtime!” Keith seems excited.

“You know Keith, the key to overtime is to win the game.” Madden adds.

Kaleshi bites at her nails nervously, watching intently as the Daemons take the field again. They get their chance at a scoring drive first.

“He drops back, in the pocket, sending four and… OH!” Keith shouts as the Daemon quarterback gets hit from both sides, which literally tears him in two.

“Not a good display of an offensive line there, not good at all.”

“No Keith, you can’t afford to get hit like that. When you get hit after dropping back, you lose yardage.”

“Fuck!” Kaleshi yells, slamming her fists into the glass which she is now pressed against.

“Fuck fuck FFUUUCCCKK!!!!”

“Uh, what’s wrong?” You ask, not knowing all the rules and expecting something went poorly.

“He was the last quarterback, we’re going to have to forfeit!” She bites her lip angrily.

But then… She slowly turns around, staring at you hard, eyes alight with a crazy fire.

“Hey now, I seriously hope you don’t do this…” You start trying to back away slowly.

Too late, she’s already got her hands on you.

“Sorry Max.” She grins apologetically, “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. And also I’m not going home 18-1 again.”

“Oh no…”

“Dad, we’ve got one last player!” She yells, her voice shattering the glass and loud enough that Khorn can hear her from his position down on the field.

“I implore you to reconsideeeeeerrrrrrr!!!!” ...She’s already thrown you out into the open air.

You sail downward, overtop the cheering crowd below.
Thankfully, Doomrider catches you before you can land, and rather than crash down hard he sets you down lightly.

“T-thanks…” You tell him, feeling shaky.

“DON’T MENTION IT. NOW, CAN YOU THROW?!” He asks, handing you a ball.

Well, you did qualify pretty high with grenades…

“Too late, get out there!” Khorne boots you from behind, sending you flailing out onto the field. The players huddle around you, eager to hear your play.

“In the shotgun, he drops back, sets… It’s a fake! He’s ducking around the left side, the line opening up a nice hole…”

“He’s going! This could be big! Yes, he’s through the defenders and still going strong! Three on his heels but damn this boy can run! Down to the fifty, into Ork territory now! Still going! OHHH!!! And he’s taken down at the Ork’s own eighteen yard line! What a play! What a run!”

"LAAAANDDDDD DRAAAAGGOONNNNN!!!!" The Daemon crowd booms while the Ork's yell in disbelief.

“That is how you run the football, Keith. You just put one foot in front of the other and run.”

You groan as you pick yourself up off of the field, and despite the pain from being hit by two charging Orks, you feel elated. Your first play in bloodbowl, ever, at the greatest game in the universe, and you’ve just run a sixty nine yard play!

“NICE ONE!” Doomrider shouts, slapping you on the back happily. It’s now first and eighteen, you haven’t scored yet…

“I like that number.” Slaanesh grins as it sips something from a glass, crossing it’s legs which causes it’s bulge to show even more.

“You would, wouldn’t you.” Nurgle laughs, downing some of his own drink.

“In the shotgun, it looks like he’s going to go for the rest of it on first. Doomrider goes left, double covered. Dropping back, pump fake… WOW! Barely manages to break a tackle! Under pressure now, he’s got to get the ball out! Doomrider breaks one cover… Runs back… Oh, he’s grabbed Doomrider! He throws, and….!!!”

“What a throw! Doomrider completes the… Well I guess it’s a pass? Down to the two yard line, and for yet another first down! I’ll tell ya folks, in all my years watching this sport, this! This is what bloodbowl is all about!”

The team all knock the grinning Doomrider on the helmet, and you can’t help but cheer along. Thankfully your demonic powers have given you quite the arm, as required to throw Doomrider that far. The crowd is roaring all around you, whipped up into a frenzy.

This feeling… This is amazing. You feel like the king of everything.

“NICE PLAY MAN, YOU WERE RIGHT, THAT DID WORK!” Doomrider gives you a friendly shake.

“All right guys, here’s what we’re going to do now…” The players huddle around you as you talk.

“Setup in the I formation…. Quick hand-off to Kharn, he runs forw… Holy shit he’s got a chainaxe!”

Sure enough, Kharn the fullback is busying himself slamming the axe into Orks as he runs forwards, howling madly with glee.

…He gets the two yards with ease.

“TOUCHDOWN DAEMONS!” You hear the announcer yell.

“Unfortunately, Keith, weapons have been banned since the Mike Pereria convention on them. The touchdown still stands because the Daemons would probably kill anyone who tried to overturn it, but Kharn will have to sit out the rest of the game per the rules.”

That doesn’t stop the crowd form chanting his name.

“Kharn! Kharn Kharn!” They yell.

Now, the defense just has to keep the Orks from scoring a touchdown and you’ve got this in the bag, as the kick was good.

Shit, they scored…

“Fucking shit!” Khorne yells, throwing a chair at the defensive line.

“OK MAX, TIME TO SHINE!” Doomrider helps you to your feet off of the bench.

You look up to Khorne’s personal box and see Kaleshi nervously biting at her nails as she watches. Fuck, you have to win this game, for her.

The team crowds around you on the field as you take over at your own ten.

“Right guys, we are going to finish this shit here. Grox! You and Gronk just fucking kill whoever tries to cover Doomrider. We’re going for the dragon here. Doomrider, its coming right at you buddy.”

“GOT IT, WE’LL END IT HERE!” He grins.

“Back in the shotgun, it looks like they are setting up to go long here.” Keith commentates.

“I’d say they are going to throw the ball.” Madden agrees.
You drop back, the massive linemen in front of you barely managing to hold back the onslaught of charging Orks. You have to give Doomrider enough time to make it downfield.

Shit! Two Nobs break through, headed right at you!

You break right, just in time to avoid them.

Through the corner of your eye you see Gronk punch the head clean off of a defender, and Doomrider looking back over his shoulder.

Now or never.

You throw with all of your might.

The ball sails through the air, you watch it until you get hit from the side and knocked to the ground.

Did it work?

The stadium is incredibly silent for a few moments.
Until…

“Pass completed by number eighty one, Doomrider! TOUCHDOWN DAEMONS!” Keith yells, and you can hear the excitement in his voice and the crowd’s collective one as it erupts into noise.

“FUCKING NICE THROW, FUCKING NICE!” Khorne yells as he helps you to your feet, slapping you hard on the back.

Above you see Kaleshi cheering for you.

You spot Doomrider running back, a massive grin on his flaming skeletal face.

The world is almost torn asunder at your epic bro-fist as his knuckles collide with your own.

“NICE THROW!” He yells.

“Nice catch!” You return.

Both of you sit down and watch, which is all you can do now as the defense takes the field yet again.

…And lets the Orks hammer in another one.

“Fuck!” You shout, but then you notice your team all grabbing things off of a table.

Doomrider approaches, holding a plasma pistol and a daemonic axe.

“Hey, what’s going on now?” You inquire.

“SUDDEN DEATH MAN!” Doomrider looks downright joyful.

“Huh, what’s that mean?” You ask as you stand up.

“SIMPLE, MY FRIEND! KILL EVERYONE ON THE OTHER TEAM WITHOUT DYING YOURSELF!”

"Oh..."

“I like where this game is going.” You reply with an evil smirk.
Oh fuck it, you slip into the chainfists. Two of your teammates help you out, and get them secured.

After, you grab the daemon axe and the flamer off the table.
Kaleshi appears suddenly at your side, grinning ear to ear.

“This is the greatest game ever. But you had better not die here, I’ll be pissed if you do.” With that, she sets a pair of sunglasses on you and sticks a lit cigar in your mouth.

“Hey, where did you get a cigar?” You wonder.

“Oh that? Creed handed it to me and told me to give it to you, he seemed REALLY pushy now that I think about it…” She trails off, her face screwed up as she thinks back.

“Well, tell him thanks. I guess?”

Kaleshi grins, before giving you a kiss on the lips. This causes you to panic slightly, as Khorne is standing right fucking there, but he doesn’t seem to give a single fuck today. He just wants a ring.

“HAHA, TIME FOR SUDDEN DEATH!” Doomrider cackles, stepping back onto the field.

Across from him stand the entirety of the Ork team, looking tough and mean in their ‘eavy arma, powerklaws and bit choppas flashing in the sun.

With one last kiss from Kaleshi, you follow the team back onto the field, lining up opposite the Orks.

“Now the rules are pretty simple for sudden death.” Madden announces, “You just have to kill the other team without dying yourself.”

A whistle blows, and without hesitation, you charge forward.
Both sides meet in a frenzy of slashing blades and roaring gunfire. It’s a bloodgasm.

You lash out again and again with the daemon axe, which cuts into Orks easily, severing one entirely through the middle. Though your celebration is cut short when you see several of your own team falling to the ground, and a particularly large Nob makes you his target.

Lashing out with the flamer, you watch as the fire nicks at the Ork, who doesn’t seem overly bothered…

His powerklaw knocks the axe right out of your hand, and the flamer runs dry.

Time for chainfists!

With a massive punch, you drive one fist right into the nob’s stomach. He grunts as the weapon pierces right into him, shredding him from the inside out.

Another runs at you, and you swing the fist into him, drawing a nasty gaping wound across his throat.

Shit, another’s got you from behind!

You can’t do anything in time, he’s going to smash you with his choppa from behind!

*BZZT*

What the fuck?

A miniature baneblade turret extends itself from the cigar, takes aim, and sends a high-explosive shell straight into the Ork’s head, where both explode in a fireball of blood and skull chunks.

---
Creed takes a long, pleasurable draw of his cigar as he watches.

”Fuck I love it when a good plan comes together.” He grins.
---

Wasting no time, you delve right back into the fight. You notice Doomrider slashing and shooting, clearly having the time of his life out here.

With one last powerful thrust, you drive your chainfist into the mouth of the last remaining Ork. Blood spews from the back of his cranium as the chainfist burrows right through it, spraying you with Ork blood and brains.

The crowd goes from an impossibly loud roar, to pure fucking insanity.

Khorne can’t contain himself, leaping up onto a table and facing the Ork side of the stadium.

“Suck it you green skinned fucks! I am made of fucking rings!” He howls, lewdly thrusting his pelvis in their direction.

“Max!” You hear Kaleshi yell, and you catch her as she leaps into your arms.

“Well there you have it folks, the Daemons have just won this year’s Suberb Owl!” The announcer, Keith, sounds ecstatic.

“I love this game!” Madden yells.

Khorne gets the team rounded up and leads you all up onto a massive stage just set up.

Kaleshi is still clinging to you happily, mumbling something about Ork dome babies or something.

"What a game, John, what a game. I haven't seen bloodbowl that good in ten millenia."

"It was a great game of bloodbowl!" Madden agrees.

They are both at a podium on the stage now, Khorne standing near them.

"It's with great honor that I declare the Daemons as this year's champions of the universe and present them with the superb owl!" Keith raises his hand to the sky with Khorne's.

As if on cue, a massive being of unspeakable horror descends into the stadium. It's six heads snap viciously as its nine wings flap to keep it from plummeting straight down. In unison its twelve beaks open and utter a song that would have turned you stark raving mad were you still a mere mortal. It's black feathers ruffle as it finally lands, and Khorne throws one ARM around it.

"Rings for the ring king!" He shouts, as all of you are presented with a ring detailing your victory here today in solid gold.

You snatch up Kaleshi in one arm, get close to Doomrider, and have a team mate snap your pic.

You spot what you are looking for, a Dark Eldar taking photos of the end of game celebration. He seems quite giddy about it, must be a high paying job.

"You with Vect?" You ask as the bulb flashes.

"Well... Yeah, why?" He asks, befuddled.

"Give him this picture and tell him it's from Max Parker, he'll get it." You hand him the camera with the picture of you and Doomrider in it's data disk.

Khorne meanwhile, looks like he's about to almost cry. He motions for you to all stand in front of him.

"This has been... The great- the greatest season, I've ever had the pleasure of coaching." He sniffs, broken up slightly.

"This one's for you guys, you've earned it!" He shouts, raising the cawing Superb Owl over his head in victory.

Suddenly from behind him, two defensive linemen dump the container of 'nidade on him. The frigid orange power drink spilling over his armor, drenching him. It only seems to make him more emotional.

"To the greatest sports franchise of all time!" He shouts once more, and the entire stadium booms it's response.

Kaleshi is cheering along for you even as she leaps up into your arms and delivers a nice kiss. You take notice as the same reporter you handed the camera to snaps a picture. Not that you care.

"WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, MY FRIEND!" Doomrider sings, shaking your shoulder lightly and grinning.

"Yeah, we are!" You smile back at him, more glad than ever that you hadn't actually offed him all those days ago.

You heft your hand, and peer at the golden ring on your palm. It's heavy, encrusted with jewels, and read "Dastardly Daemons: Superb Owl Champions" in several colors of gem.

"You'd better get dad off of the stage before he completely loses it..." Kaleshi whispers in your ear. You have to admit, you like the feeling.

"Hey big guy, lets ditch this joint and go celebrate!" You yell up at him, and the rest of the team joins along.

"Hold on, I just want to say something..." The god says, holding up a hand.

"Y-you guys are the b-best..." Oh no, he's starting to break down.

"The greatest guys, I *sob* I've ever had the pleasure of coaching. I just want you to know that. I just..." But he's already lost it, stammering away into the mic, no one understanding more than a word every few yammering moments.

Kaleshi gets you to set her down, and gingerly grasps the overly emotional chaos god by the arm.

"They know you love them dad, lets get you something to eat..." With that, Khorne lets his daughter take him away.

"Hey Max!" She calls over her shoulder.

"Yeah?"

"We're having an after party at the chaos god's place, I want you there. I'll take dad there, but try to find a way without me, otherwise I'll have to warp back to pick you up."

"Got it."

Well, no time like the present to test out these demonic gifts while you have them.

"Mr. Decarus, Mr. Decarus!" A reporter calls out to you, shoving a mic in front of you.

"What is it you plan on doing now that you've won the Superb Owl?"

Hmm, you think on that for a moment...

"I'm taking that khornette to DISNEYLAND!" You shout, before firing up your mind powers.

With an audible SNAP CRACKLE POP, MOTHERFUCKER! You open up a warp hole and step on through.

A plane almost takes off your head as it comes in for a landing.

"Watch it!" You hear someone yell from inside. Two pantsless girls buzz over your head and, feeling it's best you leave, you try it again...

The Emperor looks up from his position atop the "golden throne" as it were, from behind his copy of the latest "Surfing 'round the Galaxy".

"Dude..."

"Right, sorry!"

You try it again, and this time you see Kaleshi upon stepping out.

"Finally, I was beginning to think that wouldn't work..."

"Heh, took you long enough." She smiles at you, before taking your hand and leading you into the main room.

"Hey! My man!" Nurgle yells, setting aside a massive leg of meat he'd just about taken a bite out of.

"Err... Hey Nurgle..."

"Oh man, you're a daemon prince now?" Slaanesh looks as though it can barely contain itself, "Excuse me, I've got to use the little gods room..."

Gross...

"I was totally rooting for you bro! That shit was based as fuck!" Nurgle pounds the table, grinning excitedly.

"Oh, you need the bathroom Slaanesh? Huh? Well, yeah I guess there's plenty of tissue paper, why?" You hear the booming voice of the Emperor as he walks out of the bathroom.

Well, at least that second teleport got you close.

"Hey Ma... Dude what the fuck did you do?!" He asks, obviously quite shocked by your new appearance.

"Yeah, perils of the warp and whatnot. Think your girlfriend can change me back?"

"Uhh... I hope so man, I hope so."

"Great! Can we have her do that now? Please?"

"Well, she's not going to be here for a while... Mumbled something about Creed messing with her plans or something, man." He rubs the back of his head.

"Well, I guess you're just stuck like this for a while, then." Kaleshi smiles, and you can tell she's not complaining about it.

"Hey, where's your dad?" You ask her.

"Huh? Oh, still having a mental breakdown in his room. Keeps stammering 19-0 between fits of crying and laughter."

"Oh, rough..." You don't want to know any more. Watching a grown god cry is painful.

"Yeah man, lets get some chow already, I'm starving!" The Emperor takes a seat at the table. You and Kaleshi follow suit.

"Hey, Max! Before I forget, don't leave without opening the gift I made you." Nurgle says, leaning over the table to make sure you heard him.

"Err... Will do." Fuck, you aren't sure what a gift from Nurgle entails. You are pretty sure you don't want to open it though.

As nervous as the gift thing makes you, you can't deny the fact that you are downright starving. With the appetite befitting a daemon prince, you dig in to the spread laid out before you.

Slaanesh finally comes back from the bathroom a good half hour later, covered in sweat and stinking of sex. That thought is deeply disturbing.

It must not bother you too badly, because you keep stuffing your face. Kaleshi seems to like watching you, as though it were some kind of base instinct of hers. She greedily scoops up more food and drops it onto your plate, and you keep consuming.

In fact, it seems to have made her quite... Eager? You can feel her nails digging into your leg and one of her fangs is biting into her lower lip as she watches you eat.

"Uhh, something wrong?" You finally ask.

"What?! No, nothing. I just like watching you being a manly man, daemon, is all." She coos, her fingers walking toward your...

"Hey! What are you doing?!?" You ask with your eyes.

"Oh shut up, you know you like it." Hers respond as she smirks.

"Tadaimaaaa!!!!" Tzeentch yells as she boots open the door. Though upon seeing you, her expression darkens.

"Oh, hiya Tzeentch!" You smile and call out to her.

"Erk... Hi." She waves back halfheartedly.

"Hey babe, sit down and grab some chow!" The Emperor gestures to the seat next to him.

Her eyes sparkle at seeing him, and you can tell plain as day that there is a ton of affection behind them. That's nice, to see that. You are pretty happy the Emps found himself somebody to love. Ohhh don't you want somebody to loooooovveeee.

Well, you might get that wish. Kaleshi's hand seems to have found a way inside your codpiece. She rests her head on her hand, a smile on her face, as she looks like she's following along with the conversation between Nurgle, the Emperor, and Tzeentch. Slaanesh however, has it's eyes locked right with yours. It winks, as though knowing exactly what's going on under the table.

"H-hey, Kaleshi! Can we wait until later? Now's probably a bad time..." But you trail off upon noticing her other arm is picking up a glass of water.

Meaning...

"Oh hell no!" You stand up, shoving yourself away from the table. Slaanesh's noodle-like extendable arm flopping out of your armor as it drops your junk.

"Haha, that's our Slaanesh!" Nurlge laughs, nudging the other god.

You feel like you could use a shower...

----

You stand up, and walk over to the god-godess, thing of pleasure.

"Hey, I like that." You whisper in it's ear.

"Oh do you? Well, I'm built for pleasure baby. Lets go rock the casbah."

"I'm going to rock YOUR casbah, you slut."

"My thirty dicks are rock hard."

You grin.

"So are mine."

"Oh god, I'm going to cum from all this frotting!" You can't stop your hips, they are moving on their own now.

"Max you sexy fucking beast, give me all the chocolate!" You oblige and drop the load out of your rear hatch.

"Hey guys, its vore time!" The horrible maw of Ra'alman bursts through the floor, and before either of you can react, it swallows you whole.

"Oh gods, these tentacles feel soo goooooddddd.... HNGGGGGG!!!!" Slaanesh is busy ejaculating copious amounts, fertilizing the plethora of eggs before it.

"Oh Ra'alman, getting started without me, you tease." Lycheria clucks her tongue as she steps into view.

She looks you up and down, frowning.

"Now this simply won't do! I need an anus AND a vagoo to rape!" She purrs, as she watches you start to transform before her very eyes.

"Oh noooo!!!!" But you can't do anything as tentacles invade your freshly appeared female orifices.

----

"H-hey Nurgle..." You try to guide the conversation away from the fact that you just got manhandled by a god, "You mentioned something about a gift? Lets do that before we both forget."

Nurlge belches into his fist as he shakes his head.

"Yeah, probably a good idea. Hey Isha, you mind grabbing it for me?" He asks the very quiet Eldar goddess seated next to him. So quiet and timid looking you didn't even notice her siting there until now.

The goddess smiles, giving her big hubby a peck on the cheek as she gets out of her chair. Nurgle turns as much as he can to watch her, and you get the feeling the big guy is still head over heels for her.

When she returns, it's with a big box maybe six feet in length. That immediately sparks your interest, as you'd thought it would be something small. Perhaps seeping puss, but maybe you aren't giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Isha sets the package before you, and you stare at the green-papered box with a pink bow on it. Suddenly and perhaps rightly nervous about opening it.

Too late now though, Nurlge presses close, grinning with anticipation as he watches you.

With a final gulp, and quite unsteady fingers, you undo the ribbon...

Unwrap the paper...

Open the box and...!

Oh, well that certainly wasn't so bad.

You look down at a sword, though you can tell by its faint green aura that it isn't just any sword.

"Go on, pick it up!" He urges you, a wide grin on his face.
Well, it doesn’t APPEAR to be dangerous. Though admittedly, it could eat your soul or something the second you so much as touch it.

Finally you oblige him, you would feel too bad if you left the poor guy hanging. It looks like he’s put a lot of effort into it. Your hands wrap around the cool leather handle of the blade, and you pull it from the box. It’s heavy, and quite long, but it still feels well balanced.

“Took me quite a while to forge that.” Nurlge smiles and points at the sword.

“I can tell, it’s quality is superb.” You marvel. Despite not knowing that much about blades, even you can feel the quality.

“It is! Not only that, but I’ve blessed it too!” The fat green god looks quite satisfied with himself.

“He means he sat on it…” Tzeentch whispers in your ear.

Eww…

“Yes, it’s quite a blade. One cut from that, even one not mortal, will deliver a toxin so foul it can bring even the most stalwart of creatures to the brink of death.” Nurgle continues on and on about its craftsmanship as you listen.

“Wow, that IS quite a sword.” Kaleshi’s eyebrows raise as you hand it to her, and she expertly hefts it, standing up and giving it a few swings.

Nurgle’s usually joyous voice suddenly takes a much more serious tone.

“I’m giving that to you for one reason, Max. I’m sure you know by now, but Malal is on the rise and threatens everything we’ve been striving for now. He doesn’t want this peace, bad for him, you see. He’s going to come for you, and when he does, it’s going to take everything you’ve got to fend him off.”

The other chaos gods look quite a bit more solemn now, even Khorne who’s just rejoined you all. He sits down, nodding his head.

“Nurgle’s right. Malal knows you’re the champion of this whole unification effort, he isn’t stupid. If he cuts you out of this equation, there is a good chance this whole plan will fall apart. Right, Tzeentch?”

The raven goddess nods solemnly.

“Don’t worry though, dude.” The Emperor smiles, trying to lighten the mood, “We’re going to do our best to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

You smile around the table, suddenly more glad than ever to have so many good friends. Though it does still feel a bit strange to be friends with chaos gods…

“He’s right, I’ll fight the bastard off personally if I have to.” Kaleshi grins at you.

“You guys… I just… Thanks.” You finally beam at them.
A long, drawn out silence almost begins.

“Not letting that happen, it’s penis time!” Slaanesh flops down a tangle of wangs on the table, and everyone breaks and starts to run off. You taking Kaleshi by the hand as she cracks up.

Only the Emperor stops suddenly, falling to a knee and putting a hand to his chest.

"What's wrong, dea... Oh. I feel it too." Tzeentch suddenly stops, her already pale face becoming all the more white.

"Guys? Uhh..." You look around, all of the deities seemingly frozen in place.

"What is it?" You blurt out.

"Him." The Emperor blinks rapidly, rubbing his head as though in disbelief.

"Who?"

The Emperor shakes his head slowly, as though still uncertain. As though he wants to be wrong.

“I don’t believe it, I can’t believe it.” He mumbles.

“This isn’t good, we can be certain of that.” Khorne agrees.

“N-not as planned…” Tzeentch sinks down to join the Emperor.

“Kind of a turn-off.” Slaanesh leans back in its chair, looking a bit dazed.

“I don’t know how he did it…” Nurgle is just sitting there, shaking his head.

“Did what?! Who or what are you all talking about!? What’s going on?!!?!”

The Emperor looks back up at you solemnly, grimly.

“Horus.” He finally says, “Horus is alive again, somehow.”

Your blood runs cold. You swallow, hard.

“That can’t be right, he’s dead, we all know that. He’s dead and Abbadon destroyed any remnants of the body!”

“Did he, now… Interesting. It doesn’t appear to have mattered, though.” An icy voice from behind you, and judging from the gazes of everyone in the room, you really wish it was all just a bad dream.

“Hello, father.” Horus sneers, practically spitting the words, resting his hand on his sword as the point sinks slightly into the floor.

You remain frozen in the spot you stand. Everyone does.

“Well, don’t all rush to greet me at once… Poor old Horus, dead Horus, rises from the grave and you’ve nothing to say? Especially you!” He gestures with the hilt of his sword toward the Emperor.

The golden-armored god-emperor of mankind rises from his position, his face hard and his eyes steel. When he talks, it unlike anything you’ve heard him sound like.

“You’re no son of mine, Horus. You lost that privilege, you lost it long ago. I don’t know what you’re doing here, or why. I don’t care, it matters not. Leave now, and I’ll be merciful enough to end you again quietly, I’ll give you a warrior’s death. A rite you certainly don’t deserve. But…” He unsheathes his own flaming sword, holding it at the low ready.

“If you don’t go, and now, I’ll end you here. I’ll end you here and all will bear witness to your death. Tales will be told and songs sung of the second end of the once mighty and beloved Horus. They will speak of your pathetic downfall at the point of my blade, how you were put down once more, only with a whimper in place of a roar.”

Horus glowers as the Emperor speaks, his face, already grotesque, stretching to a sneering glare. With a low guttural growl, Horus hefts his blade.

“We shall see then, Father, who it is between us that deserves this universe. For you see, I fight with the power of Malal now.” He grins a wicked smile, tapping at the fresh two-tone skull’s emblazoned on his armor.

“It matters not with whom you align, your demise will be just the same.”

Horus glares.

“Have at you than, bastard.”

You roll out of the way just in time, Horus’s blade coming within millimeters of you. The Emperor’s own sword flashes out and crashes against the tainted edge of the lost Primarch’s.

“Surprise, motherfucker!” You howl, as you swing your own sword and enter the fray. Horus, looking quite bored, knocks your attack away.

“Damn it, Max! Now isn’t the time for that!” The Emperor yells as he parries a downward blow.

“Don’t you think I know that?! Don’t act like I know what I’m doing! I don’t! EVER!”

You swing again, your sword almost getting knocked out of your hands as Horus blocks it easily. Frustrated, you swing again and again and again. Despite your flurry of attacks, Horus hardly seems to take notice of you as he duels the Emperor.

“Grrr… Take this!” You shout, as you thrust with all of your might.

Only Horus catches your blade with his clawed fist, daemonic energy crackling as he does.

“Brave, but foolish.”

Your eyes fly wide open as you feel the tip of his sword sink into your chest, right through your armor as though it hadn’t been there in the first place. It keeps going, and you can feel the cold metal inside your guts as it pierces deeper and deeper, until it bursts from your back. With one ragged gasp, you crumple to the floor as Horus withdraws his sword.

As you stumble backwards, you notice, despite yourself, that your body is phasing back into its human form. That doesn’t seem to stop the bleeding, though.

“F-fuck…?” You stumble backwards, clutching at the wound as your heart continues to pump, forcing blood out of your punctured body in waves.

The Emperor and Horus are locked now, blade to blade, each pressing against the other with all of their might.

You do the only thing you can think of. Activate your plasma cannon.

The blast catches Horus by surprise, and despite not inuring him, it forces him to fall back. The Emperor seizes the opportunity, lashing out with his sword. Horus blocks it again, but realizes too late he’s left himself open.

“DIE!” Kaleshi rages, swinging her chainaxe as fast as she can at Horus’s exposed back. You don’t think you’ve ever seen her so furious.

“Tch!” Horus suddenly warps out of the path of the blade, and it appears out of the area entirely.

“Max!” Screams Kaleshi, though you can only hear her.
Your vision is growing dark quickly, though you manage to make out some kind of black liquid forcing itself inside of your wound, the same black liquid you’d noticed was coating Horus’s blade.

“Hello… Max…” Something hisses in your mind.

“Who are you?” You ask the entity.

“Oh? You don’t know who I am? I’m the hate burning inside your mind, boy. The malice that fills you like a chalice. I am Malal.”

“Don’t get used to this, you blathering fool. You aren’t taking up permanent residence here.” Another voice, also familiar.

“Tzeentch? Sister, what a pleasant surprise!”

“It’s no surprise, mind games are my territory. And I’m no sister of yours.”

“Ever the hostile one, aren’t you. You always were, though. All of you were. But now… Now it’s my time, it’s Malal’s time!” The other voice again, sounding as though it’s sanity is beginning to slip.

“Even if that were true, it certainly won’t be here. You are leaving this human, like it or not.”

“HAH! You know the struggle would tear this mortal asunder!”

“I do…” The raven goddess’s calculated response, “Which is why I propose a counter-offer.”

“Which would be?” Malal hisses stiffly.

“A game. If I win, you leave his mind.”

“Hmph, how dull. If I should win? What then, is my prize? Aside from this mortal, whom I already own?”

“Pick your prize, I know not what a wretch such as you desires.”

Malal thinks it over, though you can only guess that because you can’t see anything as this is all taking place in your own mind. Somehow.

“I know, I know… If I win, I get your child!”

The raven goddess stiffens, clearly not having expected this.
“…Fine.” She finally mutters, though you can tell it truly isn’t something she wishes to wager.

“Well, now that we have that inconvenience out of the way. What game do you propose?”

"Pah, as though you had to even ask. We play the game we gods always play."

"Oh, you mean controlling fleshy pawns around on a battlefield until one of us beats the other?"

"Tabletop, exactly."

"Very well, Tzeentch, I accept your terms."

"Heeeyyyy Grey Knights!" An unknown female inquisitor peeks her head around the corner.

Brother Captain Ulner stares at her, having never seen her on the ship before.

"Inquisitor?" He finally asks.

"Yeah, there's some crazy amounts of daemons and heresy going on right now."

"Daemons AND Heresy? Where? Now?" He's excited by the prospect.

"Planetside, right now." The inquisitor smiles...

"Fuck you and your broken assed army you cheating fuck!" Malal howls as he watches the last of his troops being wiped up.

"Feh, too predictable, I knew you'd go with a daemon heavy army."

"You underhanded bitch!"

"Heh. Just as planned."

Tzeentch had been waiting to try that out, and it had worked perfectly.

You come to, waking up on a soft bed. Though your head feels like it's on fire, you reach down and notice the wound in your chest is gone. Something has also removed your power armor.

There is also something warm and wet dropping onto your bare chest.

"H-huh...?" You inquire drowsily, reaching around.

"Max!"

Something incredibly warm flings itself around you, forcing you back down onto the bed.

"K-Kaleshi...?"

The khornette buries herself deeper into your neck, sobbing now. You can feel her entire body trembling.

"Hey... Its-Its all right..." You reach up and put your arms around her.

"I thought you were a goner!" She wails, and you can feel the very hot stream of tears flowing off of you and soaking the pillow.

"As though I could possibly die..." You manage a weak smile.

"Don't ever do that again, do you hear me!" She suddenly pulls away and shakes you a little, before collapsing again and continuing to cry.

Eventually she finally calms down, and you stroke her hair as she starts to fall asleep.

"You'd better not die, I don't want to have you stuck in the warp all of the time. I'd like to be able to do other stuff." She snuggles into your side.

"I won't die, I promise."

"...I'll hold you to that." She says.

You fall asleep in each others arms.


----

Frederick almost cant contain himself, nearly fidgeting in his seat. This has got to be the greatest moment of his entire life, no, he knows it is. In fact, he would throw away EVERYTHING for just this moment.

Despite the movie going; projector flashing images of the glorious Partridges as they heroically battle Horus and his army of evil, the speakers dropping a sick battle beat, Frederick can only concentrate on one thing.

Helena's hand rests on the arm of her seat, and she at least looks like she's watching intently. Though really, Helena is wondering when this gearhead is going to cowboy up and make some kind of move.

Her question is answered when she feels something brush, then ultimately rest on top of her hand. Looking over, she can see Frederick's bright level of "holy shit I did it, wow!" red even in the dim lit theater.

Helena smiles, without letting him see it.

"YES!" The glory bells of victory are playing in her head.

"He finally did something! Thank you Emprah!"

Frederick can barely keep his cool. It takes almost all of his concentration to prevent his mechanical arms from whipping around in some kind of bizarre robotic victory dance.

"Keep it cool, man! Don't make it seem like this is..." But he can't even finish his inner monologue.

Helena, gracious at his final advances, has intertwined his fingers in her own.

Frederick looks over at her, feeling as though his hear has stopped, as she looks at him. A small, but pronounced smile on her luscious lips.

The smile is all Helena can manage, her own heart beating at a million miles an hour. Sure she's fooled around with Sarah plenty of times... But somehow, this feels different. So exciting and real.

With her fingers, Helena can feel Frederick shaking.

"Hey, you uh... Alright, mekboy?"

"Huh?! Oh yes, I'm quite all right, really!" He exclaims, nearly jumping out of his chair from excitement.

Frederick can feel his hearts hammering in his chest. Even his mechanical one seems to be ecstatic.

Partridges defeat Horus, declared the saviors of human kind. Roll credits.

"Hey, you um..." Helena bites her lip, looking over at Frederick.

"Want to go grab some food?" She asks.

"What? Oh, of coarse, yes lets!" He exclaims, jumping up.

He stops in his tracks.

"D-don't let go of my hand..." Helena asks, averting her eyes and blushing furiously despite herself.

"HNNGGGGGGG...." Frederick turns away, feeling his mechanical heart stop.

"Ah! Are you all right!?"

"Fine... Fine..." He manages. In truth, both his hearts could cease right now and he would die the happiest tech-priest in the universe.

Hand-in-hand, the couple walk out of the theater. Frederick incredibly glad he did this, and Helena shocked but happy at her onrush of feeling. She smiles as she lets him lead her by the hand. Closing her eyes, she suddenly feels like she doesn't have a care in the world.

"Well... Except for that dumb brother of mine... When is he going to write? Honestly..." She thinks to herself, before forgetting her troubles and laughing as Frederick helps her onto the bike.

----

"AND SO, THATS WHEN HE THROWS THE BALL, AND GET THIS." Doomrider grins, taking a sip of the glass as all three hundred daemonettes press in close, wanting to hear him finish the story.

"I CATCH IT."

He cackles madly at the fleshy wave of flesh pressing in on him from all sides. This is going to be an enjoyable night.

A very enjoyable night.

"MAX, YOU INCREDIBLE BASTARD, WE ARE SUPERB OWL NOW!"

With that, he succombs to the tidal wave force of what is now a million wet and incredibly worked up daemonettes of all shapes, colors, and sizes.

...In the end, he pleasures them all within the night.

"AHHHH!!!" Doomrider exclaims, wiping his nose off the following morning, "NOTHING LIKE THE FIRST LINE OF MORNING COCAINE!"

"Hey Doomrider! Get back here, we're ready for round five hundred!" The daemonettes exclaim.

"LADIES PLEASE! I'M ENJOYING MY BREAKFAST WHILE STARING AT MY INCREDIBLY AWESOME CHAMPION RING!"

"Awwwwwww...." They pout.

"AWW WHO AM I KIDDING, GET ON MY TWELVE DICKS!" With that, he jumps back into the pile.

----

Vect sighs as he leans back in his chair, looking around his rather plush office.

Yeah, this is the big life.

"I'm pretty god damn baller." He grins, chomping on his cigar as he kicks his feet up.

"Sir!" An intrusion bursts through his door.

"Fucking hell Parker, you'd better have one assload of a scoop to be barging in on me like that! Can't you see I'm taking it easy?"

"Err... Its Steve, sir..."

"Whatever, what have you got for me Parker?"

The Dark Eldar reporter sighs, this is the tenth time he's given Vect a story and not once has the guy remembered his name...

"Well sir, I got you a story on the big game."

"Oh! The superb owl? Daemons won it this year... Great game, you made one hell of a toss there Parker."

"...That wasn't me, sir..."

"Whatever, show me what you've got."

The reporter sets down a printed page, a rough draft, of what he's been working on.

On the front, a picture of the stand in quarterback with Khorne's daughter in his arms and Doomrider right beside him.

"Shit!" Vect exclaims, tossing the article aside.

"...What? Sir..."

"Pure shit, it's garbage, its aweful. I'll give you three slave girls and nine souls for it."

"Well, that's a pretty generou..."

"Just nod, say thank you, and get the fuck out of my office."

"Thank you sir!"

Vect sighs. Parker has been pretty damn annoying recently, even if he is superb owl champion.

---

Kais bites his lip as he watches the screen. It was a case of incredible intuition that he'd planted a small, hidden camera at the edge of the hot springs.

That intuition was paying off tenfold now.

"The battle begins at last." He groans as he faptau's.

Thirty sisters of battle.

THIRTY!

They giggle as they wash themselves off, having long ago ditched their armor at the beach leading to the spring. He'd already had one greater good watching that, and he felt another one building up.

"Ah! Hey, watch it!" One exclaims as another grabs her by the breasts from behind, working them around in rough circles.

"Oh don't watch it. Work those, work those HARD." He grunts, his massive muscled arm pumping furiously. "Mmm I see what your plan is..."

Wow, now they are rubbing against one another, soap alleviating some of the friction. He can't handle all of this, its simply too much.

"It's come to this, has it?" His arm working furiously.

The girls are kissing now. Why are they kissing?! He can't handle this, he knows he can't handle this!!!!

...!

He coats an entire wall in his genetic material. Too bad there aren't any hot female kroot here to lick it up, he thinks faintly.

"Carry on...without me..." He finally moans, before sinking to the ground, utterly satisfied.

---

"...It was a triumph..."

Mika pauses her work, flipping up her goggles and peering at SLaDOS.

"Are we really doing this?"

"Yes."

Mika sighs.

"Fine, but just this once..."

"I'm making a note here, huge success." SLaDOS starts singing again happily.

"It's hard to overstate my satisfaction." Mika sings, her voice echoing sweetly through the chamber.

SLaDOS is happy, it finally gets to have it's musical number.

"Imperial Science... We do what we must... because we can." The robotic guardian of the fortress sings.

"For the good of all of us. Except the ones who are dead." Mika sings, setting aside her wrench and starting a cute little dance. She blushes, glad Max isn't here to see her sillyness...

"But there's no sense crying over every mistake." SLaDOS continues, keeping the beat.

"You just keep on trying till you run out of cake." Mika sings along, starting to get into it, a big smile on her face.

"And the Science gets done."

"And you make a neat gun." Mika sings, hitting the right notes and feeling downright pleased with herself.

"For the people who are still alive." The two sing in tandem.

"I'm not even angry." Mika sings quietly, looking up with the tops of her eyes and pretending to kick at the ground slightly.

"I'm being so sincere right now." SLaDOS chimes, so very pleased to finally be doing this.

SLaDOS bursts into a solo.
"Even though you broke my heart."
"And killed me."
"And tore me to pieces."
"And threw every piece into a fire."
"As they burned it hurt because I was so happy for you!"

"Now these points of data make a beautiful line."
"And we're out of beta."
"We're releasing on time."
Mika takes a step forward at every punctuated note, still smiling up at SLaDOS as she does.

They finish the rest of the song, their crazy scientist duet. SLaDOS incredibly satisfied to have it's musical number out of the way, though it wants another one badly. Mika hoping she looked cute, though too embarrassed to do anything like that for Max.

---

I sit and watch it unfold before me.

Unbelievable really, as though all of my dreams were finally coming true.

The piece comes down, tantalizingly brushing against my sides. I feel it as Max secures the piece into place.

I look over myself now, and feel elated. Lo, I am become Tricorne, terror of the seas.

...The adventure plays out, and I must admit, despite my fibers being quite ruffled more than once, I feel elated. This is what adventure was meant to be.

Not only that, but the seductive promise of perhaps another cleaning always lurks on the horizon with these two. I watch the now browned Dark Eldar twins as they wake up in the bedroom.

Well... Max certainly is having a fun time... Wow! That looks like a really difficult position!

The twins are laying on top of each other, breasts pressed against the others. Max is busy hammering himself out of one and into the other, changing between the two with each thrust.

After several drawn out hours, they finally stop.

Well, only after Max coats them both with an extreme amount of white fluid... It fills their mouths and coats their faces and hair, dripping down in long strands to rest on their exposed breasts.

I go to sleep as the lights turn out...

Until I'm awakened.

"Hat-chan!" Senna says, in a mock scolding tone as she looks me over, hands resting on her hips.

"How did you get so filthy again?!" She asks, mouth comically agape.

Oh yesss.... I bristle, my brim is ready.

"You know him, he just wants another cleaning." Senda says smugly, folding her arms as she ponders me with a bemused expression.

"Oh? You dirty little cap you." Senna smiles.

"Well, I guess we probably SHOULD give him a cleaning." Senda sighs, acting exasperated, though I can tell she's faking.

"Ah, fine." Senna sets about, grabbing things from around the room.

I settle in, this is going to be good.

The feeling of fingers pressing soap into me is beyond luxurious, I can feel it from my peak to my lowest creases. The twins work steadily, both of them smiling as they work.

I've been waiting for this to happen again ever since they did it last time. That cleaning... That was beyond good.

"You naughty little hat, you like us cleaning you, don't you?" They purr.

I don't deny it. If I did it would be a lie, and I'm no liar. No sir, I really do like it.

My fabric crumples slightly as Senda forcefully works in some soap, trying to eliminate a dark splotch, some stain from Emprah knows what.

They continue to kneed and rub for what feels like eternity.

Heaven...

I'm in hat heaven...

---

"T-Tankred endures...?" The old dread mumbles as he sits back up. The bar still crowded around him, he searches around it until he spots what he was looking for.

"Bjorn... BJORN!"

"Heh? What's all this racket?! I'm sleeping!" The Wolf dreadnaught yammers, trying to roll over onto it's other side.

"Bjorn, wake up! We seem to have passed out in the bar." Tankred informs his friend.

"Car? No I don't have a car! How would I even drive it?!"

"BAR! You old drunken fool, BAR!" Tankred groans.

"Why are we in a bar?!" Bjorn grumbles grumpily as he finally rights himself onto his feet.

"Well, old friend, I assume we were drinking." Tankred booms.

"Oh?! Why would you assume that?"

"Look at your front, its covered in sticky dry booze."

"Ah. So it is..."

Bjorn helps Tankred to his feet, both of them standing unsteadily inside the Tortuga bar. Other patrons watch the two dreads nervously, none to thrilled at the prospects of either of them crashing down on top of someone.

"Where are we?" Bjorn asks, looking around.

"Tortuga still, I hope." Tankred mumbles as he looks around.

"Tortuga?" Pipes up a nearby patron.

"No my friend, you aren't in Tortuga." He continues, taking a sip of his drink

Bjorn and Tankred stare at each other for a good long minute.

"Tell me than, annoying little flesh bag, where are we?"

The other patron looks none to thrilled at his new nickname.

"Some ways north of Tortuga, isle of West."

Bjorn clasps his boxy friend on the shoulder... Joint.

"I fear we cannot stop here, this is pirate country."

"Bjorn, my friend, this is all pirate country."

The old wolf dread pauses to think about that for a moment.

"I need another drink..." He says finally.

"Bartender, two of your finest casks of rum!" Tankred booms at the bar, his voice so loud it shakes bottles.

"Oi?! You blokes didn't pay for yer last round! Where's your money eh?!"

Tankred angrily clamps his fist open and then closed in front of the man's face.

"Right here, how much of it do you desire?"

"...Err... Right. Two of the finest, coming right up!"

The dreadnaughts stand at a table, tossing back the rum as they try to get their heads straight.

"Tankred, my friend, I fear we need to find a way back to Tortuga. My brothers are likely wondering where I've wound up."

Tankred nods, which is an odd gesture for a dreadnaught that resembles a jerking bow.

"Indeed, let us adventure forth in pursuit of our friends."

The two dreads stumble bleary-sensored out into the open air. It appears to be about noon, the sun hanging high in the cloudless blue sky.

"Tankred, we are going to need to find some way to Tortuga."

"I know, I know." Tankred replies, thinking hard.

"A boat." He finally says.

"A boat?" Bjorn asks, quite unsure about that.

"Indeed, a boat. We shall sail these wretched seas, eliminating all on our path to booze and twins." Tankred clamps his fist open and closed, staring excitedly out to sea.

"Well... Wait, we are looking for my brothers." Bjorn interjects.

"Fine, fine. Booze, twins, and your brothers." Tankred finally agrees.

The two set out in pursuit of a vessel large enough to hold them, planning to... Borrow... It.