Editing Tales of Linus (section)

== Teatime with Teagan ==
''Anonymous  08/02/14(Sat)17:56:34 No.33844515
:''Please, don't stop.

Teagan was a witch I rolled up to be a traveling merchant, and not some big damned hero. I prefer smarter or diplomatic characters, not people who run in swords swinging and spells flying... It's kept me alive pretty well, and in non-combat situations a diplomatic character's more use anyway. So Teagan was traveling around, avoiding obvious quests and plots, going town to town trading. This town is under siege? Go to a new one. But.. says the Dm.. But it's under attack! You aren't going to save it?

No. I'm a fucking merchant. My prices may be KILLER but I'm not an hero.

Teagan eventually comes across a town that's survived a few raids and has a broken keep nearby, unused, and decides she wants it. Nice place, lots of trade routes, sort of fortified... good base of operations for her growing business. She pays them 3k gold and give them some masterwork weapons she'd gotten in a great deal, in exchange for the land and property, and a title to state her the owner of it and a quasi-noble on top of that. BUT... she must bring them additional reinforcements from another town. So she sets out to gather some troops, but is told the easiest way is to go to a little cottage where a famous baker and his wife spellcaster live. Teagan accepts the bait and goes, hoping to ask this strong spellcaster to help, and might stock up on some food supplies or sell the husband some while there. Business and profit is her motto.

She shows up, knocks politely, and is ushered in by the husband who tells her the wife is out on whatever errand and won't be back for a day or so. Nothing strange here, all seems normal.. my saves (I roll randomly for illusions after some of Zane's stuff) don't break any illusions and sense motive shows he appears to be a nice middle aged man.

He invites me to stay for dinner and drinks and I tell him something of my story and why I need his and his wife's help, and he agrees. But first-

Would Teagan be willing to please try his newest drink, which he's very proud of? He hands her a tall glass filled with a purple liquid which my senses tell me "smell like sweaty feet and decaying undergrowth" and bubbles slightly. Teagan takes one look at it and rolls to determine anything about it, being an alchemical dabbler like I made Zane, and also she specialized in poisons and ranged shots instead of hexes (which in this setting using witch spells was immediately recognizable and a death sentence).
She sees nothing wrong with it according to rolls so I drink it.

The DM lights up at this, asking if I really drink it, and I say sure, why not... he asked me to and nothing seems wrong. He tells me to roll a fort save versus instant death and "defender wins" so Teagan on a 25 makes it. All her traits and feats were geared towards making and fort saving poisons, thankfully..

I roll another check for both sense motive and alchemical bullshit, and determine two things:
There's a lot of nightshade and other stuff in this. And the man is clearly saddened I'm still alive. Teagan smiles, sets the glass down, and thanks him for the drink but tells him it was a little tart for her personal tastes. The "man" and she begin a thinly veiled exchange of polite hostilities, neither directly attacking one another but making it clear that Teagan knows what's up and the man isn't who he says he is or smart enough to kill her.

So he drops his guise, and lo and behold it's an incubus surrounded by devil imps. But... isn't an incubus a demon? Nevermind that, says the DM, it's not important even though in this setting they're enemies.

The Imps try to kill her off but she's got silver utensils and starts trapping them in large silver serving dishes they can't bust out of, sheer torture for them har-d-har. The Incubus meanwhile runs to the basement to finish the last steps of his great achievement, stolen from the mage and her husband who he's locked up and replaced.

Teagan, after dealing with the Imps and running down the halls, finds the husband and releases him. He's useless in a fight so he stays there, but the Incubus appears out of nowhere and just as quickly Mass Teleports (can they do that?) her and himself into the basement where... a Pie Golem waits. Strawberry, blueberry, cherry. But crafted not from declicious desert, but raw PAIN! It deals 2d6 steam damage on contact, whether you hit it or it hits you. On top of that, it's basically the same stats as an iron golem, with increased DR and other bullshit he threw in to kill me. Teagan listens as the Incubus shouts about how she's a fool and he'll kill her and get away with his master plan because nobody knows what's going on, and even if the husband is released he'll be caught again soon, blah blah blah.

Teagan, who up to this point hasn't cast any hexes or spells because.. witches get burned... decides to use one in the basement.
I ask the DM what's around, roll perception. Nothing- basement is empty. No food, weapons, ways out except the door to the basement and some rickety wooden stairs, the Incubus is blocking. I roll an acrobatics to jump past him and run up, but he teleports in front of me and commands the Golem to start trying to kill me. So I do the two things I can possible manage to keep me alive... I roll an opposed charisma check on the golem and... fail. But so does the Incubus, so it starts going mad and trying to kill both of us. The Incubus laughs that it can't hurt him 'cause immunities to fire and all that, and he'll watch it kill me. I use the hex "feast of ashes" on him, and smile, and hand the book to the DM so he can read it.

Basically, pass will save or be forced to try and eat the closest food nearby. If you do, take horrible minuses and get sickened condition or something like that.

He failed the save. The DM laughs and says no food was in the basement. I shake my head and point out that, yes... there is.

The DM kind of pales as he realizes there's lots of food there. In fact, it's trying to make minced meat out of me.

The Incubus is forced to begin EATING the pie golem, the two going at each other as I run off. Somehow, the golem wins, by sheer brute force, and the Incubus goes back to the Abyss. The Golem can't climb out of the basement because it breaks the stairs, and won't fit through the door anyway, so Teagan grabs the husband again and they have a picnic outside until the wife gets back some hours later. Turns out, they won't give her the help she needs despite all this, and Teagan doesn't get her keep. So she moves on to the Dwarven lands to do some trade there.

She was asked by a cleric to look in on one of the Dwarven leaders, the strongest blacksmith in the world, who the villain was trying to have a meeting with. But Teagan got there first and found out he's sick, so she promised to get him a cleric to help. The villain lady was stopped by Teagan who told her to go away, the guy isn't taking meetings right now, and suddenly... assassin, when she's on her way back from the temple with a cleric.
No res provided.

I've got one left, the Admiral and Child's Play. It's the first of these, chronologically, actually.. Guess I'll start it too.