Editing Trip Into Hell (Warhammer High) (section)

===Calth===
Calth. A beautiful world, one of the jewels of the thousand worlds of Ultramar. One of the master worlds of the Ultramar sector. One of the anchor points of the new civilisation. An embodiment of the reward that the millennia of warfare waged by man had finally lead to.

Home.

Julius stood on the rockcrete landing platform of Numinus City Starport and sniffed the air. It smelled good, it smelled pure. Nothing like the ever-present whiff of the pollutants which permeate Terra’s air, something Terrans never noticed until they went offworld and realised what a shithole the Throneworld truly is. Julius was surprised at his own attitude towards the world he had called home for over sixteen years. But then, the circumstances of his leaving may have had something to do with it.

Calth’s sun, Veridia, sat like a blue-white pearl in the pale sky. Off to one side, rising like a moon was Calth’s projected superorbital plate, a symbol of its importance. Only the master worlds of the Imperium have plates. Terra of course has them, so too does Macragge, Inwit, Chemos and Cadia.

In the distance, huge semi-auto hoists and cranes, some of them looking like quadruped Titans, busily transferred cargo stacks to giant bulk lifters on the field as the fruit of Calth’s industrial output was shipped across Ultima Segmentum. Once Julius would have been fascinated by what was going on all around him, but times change. People change.

From afar, Julius still looked the same as he had before Seadelant, but once you got close to him you saw the haunted look in his eyes, the empty stare and the rings around his eyes which denoted sleeplessness. The Nightmare which had first come after his bout of drinking on the Iron Tide had come again, and again, and again. Nine times he had woken up screaming bloody murder during the trip from Seadelant to Calth. Nine times she had died again in his arms, and he had been powerless to save her. The dreams were so real it was living the whole experience time and time again, each time knowing the outcome but being helpless to change it, for it had already happened. He was glad he had foregone returning straight to Terra on the Iron Tide, he wouldn’t want to explain his nightmares to his friends, how he now feared to sleep for the fear of those nightmares, how he was thinking of drastic measures to stop them from happening.

He had dozens of messages from Terra, from his friends, and he hadn’t looked at a single one. He wanted time alone, to get away from them. He needed to be ready before he could face any of them. He only wished he knew what he needed to be ready for.

Around him the crew of the Sanctity of Saramanth chattered and laughed as they departed for some well earned shore leave. It was a strange experience, hearing people speaking on Calth. Though he had lived on Terra all his life, his voice had stubbornly maintained a Calthite lit, and now instead of being the only person who spoke it, almost everyone did. Hearing it spoken by everyone was a novel experience, one he wished he could feel more at ease with.

There was plenty he had wanted to squeeze into the ten days he had originally planned to spend on Calth. Visiting the Holophusikon, touring Numinus City and seeing medicae block IF-01 where he had been born and the rugged wilds of the southern hemisphere of Calth. Now he only had two days planetside before he was to board a transport back to Terra, two days to try and find the answers he had left Terra to seek.

In truth, he did not want to go back to Terra. After what he had just gone through, how could he return to Terra, as if none of it had happened? How could he face anyone? How could he tell them about what had happened to him? How could he tell her about the woman he met, the woman who made him shatter his oaths, and who died to save him? He didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to face it. All he wanted was for his problems to just go away.
It was 09:51 local time, and he had all day free. There was one reason he had wanted to come to Calth in the first place, and despite the external hell he had gone through on Seadelant and the personal hell he now found himself in, he would do this one thing, he would go home.

The estuary at Neride was one of the most fertile places on the planet, the stink of beets and cabbage strong in the humid air. His father had chosen his land well. Forty acres of good land to farm, to grow Swartgrass, flowers and vegetables for Ultramar. But then Lord Guilliman had come with his offer, and Oll had accepted it. Now his house was rented out to a migrant family from Praetoria. They paid the rent on time, and had offered to let Julius stay with them for his time on Calth. Julius had politely declined. He needed to be alone.
Julius paid the Taxaiman and waved him off. He would be back in four hours to pick Julius up, easily enough time to get everything done.

The Little Chapel sat mournfully on the edge of the Swartgrass fields. Julius had seen plenty of pictures of it, but his breath caught when he saw it in person. It was there that his parents were married, where he was christened, and where his mother now lay.

The doors creaked open as Julius went in, the strip of light from outside illuminating the insides. Once Julius would have crossed himself before entering, but this time he just shambled in and made a beeline straight for an alcove in the western wall. Set in the alcove was a stone, words carved into it. Quietly he repeated them to himself.

‘In loving memory of Julia Marmora Pius, wife to Ollanius and mother to Julius. Taken before her time, sadly missed.’ Behind that stone was his mother’s ashes. He couldn’t remember her, but he had seen the picts and heard his father’s soft-spoken stories. Julia Marmora was a stylish and exotic beauty from the Talian peninsula who claimed she could trace her lineage to the Romanii Emperors of old. Her great grandfather, also named Julius had died fighting against Mad King Peshkein of Tali, one of the many barbarian warlords who had despoiled Terra before the coming of the Emperor. She had been a remembrancer during the Crusade, and like so many of them she had sought the ultimate prize, becoming the personal documentarist to the greatest mortal hero in the Galaxy, Ollanius Pius. And not only had she succeeded, but she had stolen his heart as well. She was a pious Catheric like he was, and they had bonded over their shared faith and his stories, and they began to lay plans for what they would do once the Crusade ended.

It was at that point in the story that his father’s voice started to crack up. During the last days of the crusade an attack by Ork fungus gas on a nameless world had ravaged her lungs and nearly killed her. His father had carried her off the battlefield. She had missed the Angelus Triumph, recovering in a hospital bed while Ollanius took part in the official end to millennia of warfare. They had chosen Calth to be their new home in part because the rich air was good for her, but she had wilted in the toxic atmosphere of Terra and died two years after they had moved there. 

He stared at that stone plaque for what seemed like an age. He had expected to be overwhelmed with a flood of emotion the moment he saw his mother’s resting place, but he couldn’t feel anything. Seadelant had burned everything out of him.

“She would be proud of you, the poor love.”

He looked over. A man stood in the doorway, backlit by the sun so Julius couldn’t see his face for shadow.

“Last time I saw you, you were still in diapers. How things change.”

The man entered the chapel. Now he could see him Julius saw a well-built man strong in the back and arms, with a very handsome face and grey hair. He wore his age like a regal cloak. Julius remembered his father talking about him.

“Are you John Grammaticus?”

“Yes, though you’d better call me John. My last name is a mouthful.” He sat down on one of the old wooden benches, facing Julius.

“My father told me you might be here.”

John smiled. “Your father and I were tight, back in the day. Anatol Hive. The Panpacific. We had some adventures, Oll and I. That was before he joined the army and went off on the Crusade. I’ve kept an eye on him since, and on you once you came on the scene. You don’t know how much of a fuss you caused just by being born. The first second generation.”
Julius stared at him. John continued, his words making no sense to Julius.

“We’re sterile. He gave us our gifts, but we could never pass them on. And then you came along. They’re still debating what role you’ll play, but regardless it will be huge. Your fate is forever entwined with theirs, like it or not.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about ser.” John didn’t seem to hear him.

“But of course, after our first big failure, we don’t know what to think anymore. We thought the Acuity never lied, the first son would turn against his father and drown the stars in blood; undo all the seer strived to achieve.”

“What the bloody hell are you talking about?” Julius was getting tired of his senseless words.

“A future, dear boy. A future which never came to pass, and thank all under the heavens that it never did come to pass, else you, I, this place, hell almost nothing would remain. A grim dark future loomed, but never arrived, thanks to some quick witted individuals.” He gave a nervous laugh. “The problem is that we think too slowly, we take the long view, so when other individuals react fast we are left in the lurch. And no sooner did that happen then you came around, and the others. The heirs to the empire not tainted with the touch. And now we can’t make sense of it, what is supposed to happen now, what the great enemy will do now. We have been knocked off our bearings…”

Julius interrupted him. “Ser, I have no idea what any of that shite is supposed to mean, and frankly it sounds like a load of fug. Now what are you here for?”

John smiled bashfully. “Sorry, I have a habit of getting on a tangent, and it would be good for you if you remember at least some of that in the future. You will need it, eventually. No, I’m here for you.”

“For me? I don’t need your help ser.”

“Yes you bloody well do. It’s plain enough to see that you’re hurting badly. I know about Seadelant, you were caught up in a war not of your making, faced daily horrors and tribulations, and during the last hours saw monsters from the blackest depths of the Warp. Very few can come out of an experience like that unchanged, and it’s plain to see you are not one of those lucky few. For example, I noticed you didn’t cross yourself when you entered. Your father would never do that, he has always been pious and devoted. Did you forget? Or have you lost your faith?”

Julius glared at him, though he spoke the truth. He hadn’t prayed once since Summer had died, and Summer’s Aquila had replaced his Catheric Crux around his neck. His god hadn’t saved her, he had ignored Julius’s desires for his nightmares to end, and now he no longer felt he could believe in Him anymore. He was cast adrift in an uncaring universe.

“My faith or lack of it is none of your concern ser.” He snapped. “More importantly, how the hell do you know about what happened on Seadelant? They’ve ordered the details suppressed so no-one knows about the hell-spawn.” His suspicions about John Grammaticus were growing by the minute.

“I know a lot of things Julius, and don’t think you can worm your way out of this. Why are there bags under your eyes? Are you afraid of sleeping?”

Julius scowled at John; he was reading him like a book. “You really want to know how I feel? You really want to know how fucked up I am? Fine. Shell Shock, Combat Fatigue, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, call it what you want, I have all the signs. Nightmares which feel so real it’s like I’m reliving the event all over again. Nightmares which leave me screaming. I fear to sleep because of those nightmares.”

“And what event is it you keep on seeing?”

Julius didn’t want to think about it, didn’t want to say her name for fear it would all come rushing back to him. But under John’s piercing stare, he finally admitted, “There was someone. Someone who I came to care very deeply for. And she died.”

“She? That’s interesting. Did you come to have an emotional bond with this woman, and is that why she haunts you now?”

His words were uncomfortably close to the mark, but the lack of reverence stung Julius. How could he speak of her like that?

“She was more than just that, ser. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have survived that hell. She died to save me, to save the entire fucking planet, and what did they do? They suppressed it. No-one will ever know of her sacrifice, no-one will ever know how she banished a daemon with nothing but her faith and saved Seadelant. Her parents disowned her, they don’t care that she’s dead. Only I care, only I still bear her memory. She changed my attitude towards those who worship the God-Emperor. Summer taught me that they are no less citizens of this Imperium than anyone else, and their faith can kill daemons.”

“Summer, that was her name?”

“Yes. Summer Lantsfalle.” It was the first time he had said her name aloud since the Iron Tide, forty days ago.

“Lantsfalle,” He mused. He let the name pass without comment. “She must have been very special, and I’m sorry for your loss. You know the Emperor will not take too kindly to you standing up for those who deify Him. Are you willing to accept the consequences of that?”

“Yes. He will never stop people from worshipping Him, even if he purges the Galaxy from one side to the other. It’s high time he accepts that fact, and accepts that he has an obligation to all his subjects, including those who see him as a living god.”

“But you still hurt. There’s something else, isn’t there?” John’s words pierced Julius.

“Yes, I still hurt. And it’s bloody unfair.” He finally snapped, glaring at John.

“I know that look; that sod you look. Your father often wore it when he got aggravated with me. You truly are your father’s son.” said Grammaticus with a grin.

“No I’m not. My father would not feel the way I feel. He fought in the Great Crusade from beginning to end and he survived it perfectly intact. I fight in a war for one month and I end up broken in mind and soul. How fair is that? How can he go for centuries without a spot on his mind, and I go for thirty days and become torn and haunted?”

“Have you ever talked with your father about this? About PTSD? He may surprise you. He’s been through hell more times than you or I can count, seen things which would rob a normal man of his sanity, and he’s not always walked away from it without a scratch.”

“That’s not all. During the fighting, Summer and I…we became close.” The other matter, the matter which he didn’t want to confront at all. He didn’t even know why he was mentioning it to John, but he couldn’t stop himself. His father had always said that John had an ability to charm his way into or out of anything, and it seemed he had worked his majic on Julius. He peered intently at the worn teenager, his gaze almost hypnotic. “And by that, do you mean you…?”

“Yes, bloody yes!” it felt good to get it out there, to just let it all go.

“Did you lose your faith even before you came here? I though as a Catheric you would be sworn to celibacy like your father was before he was married?”

“No, my faith was intact when I did it. That makes it all the more worse. Ever since the shooting on Terra, my life has gone to hell in a handbasket. First I nearly got the girl I love killed in a stupid move, then I broke my religious oaths. Not because I’m undisciplined, but because twice I allowed myself to replace oaths with emotion, something I swore never to do. Emotion gets you killed in battle, and it’s nearly done with me.”

“Julius, you cannot blame yourself for all this. Everyone makes mistakes, your father, me, hell even the Emperor. The emotional avalanche you had been buried under since all this began has lead one thing to another and eventually the dam burst.”

“That’s not the problem John. You know what the real problem is? I’ve seen what PTSD has done to veterans, I’ve grown up alongside them all my life, and I don’t want go through that dark tunnel. I don’t want to end up a drunken wreck. I don’t want to force away everyone who I care for, and who cares for me. I don’t want to find drastic solutions to stop the pain, but I can see no way out of this.” It came rushing out like a flood, a flood of grief and pain.

“You know what my last nightmare was? It was the day I broke my vows with her, when my oaths were overcome by my emotions. I dreamed that she died as we lay together, that she grew cold upon me, and I felt the fire go out of her while still inside her. Do you know what that’s like? Do you?”

John’s unwavering stare, betraying no emotion filled Julius with fury. He wanted to be done with this. “Now if you’ll excuse me ser, I’m leaving.”

As he opened the door to leave, John called out. “You don’t want to return to Terra, do you?” Julius stopped dead and stared at him.

“How the hell do you know? Are you a psyker, John Grammaticus? Can you see inside my bloody head?”

John shook his head. “No more than anyone else can. I can see things, just like your father can, just like you can. I know you’ve seen inside the Emperor; you like me know what a bloodthirsty bastard he really is. It’s a skill some of us have. All I’m doing is seeing the pain you’re bearing and trying to make you confront it. You will never be free of it if you run away from it forever. You have to return to Terra, you have to confront it, if you are ever to move on.”

“I appreciate your sentiment ser, but how the hell would you know?”

“I spent eighteen years in an asylum because I tried to explain something which only I knew. I was locked away because people couldn’t see what I saw. That experience left scars for a long time, even now I still get uncontrollable shivers each time I see a barred window.” This time there was bitterness in John’s voice, the first taste of emotion. “But your father helped me escape, and he helped me overcome the trauma. If I can survive it, then you can as well. Go home and tell your father everything. Even if you see no-one else, you owe that much to him. It’s what your mother would have wanted.”

“You met my mother?”

“Once, before your parents met, when she was covering the one hundred fortieth expeditionary fleet. She was a beauty, olive skinned and stylish. All the men fawned over her. She was bragging how she would be the first to cover the famed Ollanius Pius, the first to get his stories. Your father hated the remembrancers, he claimed they ignored the common soldiers and their sacrifice. What struck me most about your mother was how much she was hiding, how her public face was so different from her private one. It took your father to uncover her hidden depths. You may be your father’s son, but there is plenty of your mother in you too.”

Julius could see the sense in his words, but he was still reluctant to go back, and he had other things to worry about as well.
“I have one obligation left before I can go to Terra. Before she died, Summer wrote a letter to her younger brother. I will see it delivered, I owe that much to her and more. I will ensure her last letter and her medal gets to him no matter how far I have to go, though I don’t know where to start looking.”

“I don’t know where the Lantsfalle’s are now, but I know where they’ll be in a month or so. Terra.”

“Terra? How do you know?” Julius demanded.

“Haven’t you been paying attention to the news boy? The representative of the Chartist Captains had a heart attack and died. He has been replaced. The Lantsfalle’s will damn well do anything to ensure the new representative is their man and amenable to their interests, so they will head to Terra with all speed.”

Julius’s back stiffened as the way forward became clear. He now knew that no matter his own personal misgivings, he had to return to Terra. For Summer’s sake, if no-one else’s.

“Julius, for your father’s sake and yours, don’t try to solve this on your own. Get help, real help, while you’re on Terra. They have organisations which cater for PTSD on Terra, get the best treatment you can. Don’t let yourself be overcome, don’t surrender to the pain.”

Before he left, he turned back towards John. “Thank you ser, for making me feel better. My father was right about you, you do have a good heart.”

As Julius disappeared, John breathed “I wish he were right Julius. For both your sakes.”

That night, Julius realised what he was about to do, where he was going, and he drank the minibar in his hotel room dry. The Nightmares still came.