Editing The Silmarillion (section)

=Civilization=
The last stories concern the rings of power and the fall of Númenor and (most of) its Dúnedain. Technically we're on to the Second Age so no longer in Silmaril scope.

On the way back home from wrecking Melkor's shit, the Ainur were impressed with three kingdoms of Western Man ("Dúnedain") who'd joined the elvish bro-quest (skipping the late-coming fourth loyalists, the sons of Bór, because Tolkien forgot Matthew 20:1–16). The Valar gave these Men and Women an island Númenor to mutually sex each other in, with plenty of tech and weapons they could need when they ever crawled out of bed. Elros is named first king for his descent from human and elven royalty as well as having a bit of Angel blood through Melian. Over long generations the now-mixed Númenóreans got all [[Imperium|human nationalist]], at least the Kings and the Kings' Men; as Pratchett observes, "black and white live in harmony to gang up against green". Other Númenóreans stayed Faithful to the ways of elves and Valar.

Meanwhile, not all Melkor's lieutenant Maiar had been snapped up in the Valars' dragnet after the Big Guy got his sorry ass imprisoned. The Balrogs, being ugly, had no choice but to flee into the deep places of the earth. But Sauron had maintained his own prettiness. He fooled men and, apparently, angels into thinking he was going to turn a new leaf. To prove it, he [[pretend|re-branded himself]] 'Annatar' (Gift-bearer) and made powerful magical objects for all his friends called "rings of power". Each ring was actually a disguised way to control the kings of men, dwarves and elves. He had a master Ring that could control all the others, hopefully to turn all the people of Middle-Earth into his personal slaves. The elven lords manage to isolate their rings, realizing their intent. The dwarf kings were partially immune, so while they didn't become Sauron's servants, the dwarves did get an extreme lust for gold and extra greediness, which made the dwarves go into sort-of isolation while they tried to fix the messes this caused. Nine kings and sorcerers of men (including one woman, if you believe [[MERP|Iron Crown]]) were ensnared. They [[edgy|became Sauron's dark servants]], [[Nazgûl|the Ring Wraiths]]. Sauron meanwhile had got himself a rectangular Roman-style fort in Mordor, a valley almost subcontinental in scale.

On occasion the Númenóreans would hoist sail and head east to beat Sauron back. The Númenoreans were still mainly Loyal, in earlier outings. But on Sauron's final Second-Age incursion, the Númenóreans were led by Ar-Pharazôn, "The Golden". Yes this is a Semitic Phira'ûn reference, just like Quran. Tolkien was nothing if not a linguist. We are not told outright if Sauron's Nine were fighting alongside him yet; the two stories here, which we've conflated, don't inline with each other so well in Christopher Tolkien's edition. The sensible call is that he was holding them in reserve in case his upcoming epic plan failed.

By now both Númenórean factions owned colonies on Middle Earth. These clustered around the Bay of Belfalas on account of Mordor being the main threat: we know them as Gondor and Umbar. Also the Númenóreans had been enjoying a decent climate for the whole of the Second Age, and it was just ''nicer'' down there. Arnor, whence the Dúnedain originated, was neglected as too cold and non-strategic anymore. Ar-Pharazôn persecuted the Faithful at home but we're not told how far his writ ran in the Middle-Earth colonies; we assume that the Faithful drifted more toward Arnor, their ancestral home and with more Elves in it, because Third Age Umbar will end up a nest of Sauronism.

The Western fleet easily defeated Sauron's army. The Númenóreans all patted themselves on the back because capturing Sauron was [[just_as_planned|totally their idea]]. Sauron's a Maia, so killing him is impossible, he just chilled in the dungeons, and told the Men how awesome they were even though they aren't elves... cause elves are immortal, hoping to give the Dúnedain lifespan envy so he could manipulate them with it.  The Dúnedain started getting into fad diets and buying life-extension supplements on home-shopping channels, which in a sick twist of irony, made their lifespans shorter.  They also started [[Dark Eldar|going on raids to capture people from Eastern Kingdoms such as Harad to sacrifice them in rituals the Númenóreans were convinced would extend their lives]] (which would come back to bite their descendants).  During this time Sauron also said "Well, if I was a Valar, I could make men essentially immortal," and the Dúnedain totally [[Just_as_planned|came up with the idea on their own]] to attack the Valar to demand immortality.  Then Sauron said "My old boss Melkor is a Vala, maybe he could help if he was free," and the Dúnedain fell for that bullshit too.  Except for the Faithful but they couldn't talk sense into these idiots so they all took that western distraction to sneak off east for Gondor/Arnor.

So the Dúnedain prepared their armies, and sailed west. The Valar and Elves knew they were getting a full-on invasion, and appealed to Ilúvatar all-father to save their butts. Ilúvatar agreed and got his smiting on to decimate the invasion fleet, made Middle-Earth round instead of flat, and sank the island of Númenor like Thera for good measure. Sauron was still in it when the place was rekt. Some Men of Númenor managed to survive, mostly those who'd already colonized Middle-Earth.  Those in Arnor were overwhelmingly Faithful; Gondor might have been a mix, but we can assume that the King's Men were predominant along the coast and what do you ''think'' happens to coasts when a continent is suddenly submerged offshore? (hint: it rhymes with "salami").  The survivors still had their abilities, and without the metropole they easily became KANGS in their own right, forming the majority in Gondor and an aristocratic minority in Arnor.  Umbar, we dunno; they're not much of a factor in what follows, understandably, since their golden boy had died of extreme stupidity with his vizier to blame. They're more important in the Third Age.

Turns out Sauron too survived this "atalante" (get it??) because he still had his [[lich]] phylactery, the Ring; we don't know if he was wearing it when Shit Went Down or if he'd stashed it in the Barad-dûr. Either way, he came back, not as pretty as he once was, nor quite at his full power, but certainly in position to hit back at the Númenórean remnants in Middle Earth and at their allies starting with some border skirmishes.  He also rallied the Easterlings who'd maintained their worship of him and approached the descendants of the peoples the Númenóreans raided, saying "Hey, wasn't it horrible how the Númenóreans oppressed you, abused you and sacrificed your ancestors?  Don't you want to make them pay for these injustices?" and "Nice civilization you've got there.  It'd be a shame if armies of Orcs and Trolls ravaged it."

The Elves (lead by their High King Gil-galad and the aforementioned Elrond) and the survivors of Númenor (lead by the new High King of Gondor and Arnor King Elendil) teamed up for a Pre Emptive Strike - and won!  Although Elendil and his younger son Anarion bought the farm, his oldest son Isildur cut the Ring from Sauron and won the war. Just as the elves started thinking maybe not all Dúnedain were greedy shits like the ones that tried to attack Aman, Isildur decided the One Ring was too awesome to destroy and kept it for himself.  Elves gave up on Men totally and with Gil-galad also dying in the battle and the High Kingship passing onto the Vanyar back in Aman took the Valar pardon and returned to Aman (in the case of the group who hadn't left Middle Earth in the first place, migrated) with some waiting out of guilt or honor (or simply attachment for their homes) until the Sauron situation was resolved.  Isildur himself was later shot to death in an Orc ambush, losing the One Ring in a river. This also left Gondor and Arnor with two separate monarchies, not to be united until 3000 years later.

At some point five Maiar were sent as the Istari (Wizards) to try and stop even more stupid shit happening and make absolutely definitely certain that Sauron was absolutely definitely really dead this time.  Two (<s>Alatar and Pallando</s> Morinehtar and Rómestámo) went to the Eastern Kingdoms to help them see why they shouldn't worship Sauron and Melkor while three (Gandalf, Radaghast and Saruman) headed West.  

Also Arnor managed to get themselves split into three kingdoms and then destroyed by the evil kingdom of Angmar that was lead by the most powerful Ringwraith, the Witch King. The Breelanders are the distant descendants of the last survivors. The Witch King was forced to retreat when Eärnur, 33rd King of Gondor and Glorfindel (who, despite dying in the escape from Gondolin's Fall taking a Balrog -as a side note, Ecthelion killed the Lord of Balrogs, Gothmog, in this battle at the cost of his own life- with him, was allowed to return to Middle Earth as a one off special allowance valid until the other lingering Elves depart to leave the Halls of Mandos where Elves who die are revived and stay) defeat him in the Battle of Fornost and destroy his army. Glorfindel makes the prophecy that the Witch King can not be killed by a man, making Eärnur let him escape. As a side note, a company of Hobbit archers were accompanying the Gondor, Arnor Survivor and Lindon-Rivendell Elf army. The last king of Gondor is then taunted about his sparing of the Witch King and decided to [[meme|simply walk into Mordor]] and disappeared, with the direct line from Elendil ended, Gondor would be subsequently ruled by a line of Stewards.

At one point Gondor looked like they were getting buttfucked from all sides until a badass Northerner named Eorl the Young rode down and destroyed an army of Dunlenders, so the Steward of Gondor gave him a great wack of land to rule as King, founding the Kingdom of Rohan.

[[The Hobbit|And ''that's'' when the Hobbits came in.]]