Editing A Song of Ice and Fire (section)

===House Lannister===

''"Hear Me Roar"''
<div class="mw-collapsible-content">[[Monopoly|Westeros' richest family]], proud, pompous, selfish and fabulous assholes. Not much of a martial tradition, but if you cross them [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7t7cnwlOgY they will fucking cut you]. You can tell they are the bad guys because they have an army of sick fucks, including a zebra-riding mercenary band and 7' 8" Khornate Champion <s>not-Goliath</s> Gregor Clegane. House York (though named after House Lancaster) combined with the House of Rothschild and the Mafia. Their unofficial motto is "A Lannister Always Pays His Debts"
* Tywin Lannister, ''The Lion of Lannister'': The Godfather, head of the house, and obsessed with his reputation as a Magnificent Bastard extraordinaire. Lawful Evil Personified. He was a most feared general whose greatest achievement was [[Exterminatus|erasing House Reyne from existence]], which was immortalised in his own sweet-yet-creepy-as-fuck theme song (The Rains of Castamere) that became used as a warning against anyone standing against him. During his tenure as Hand of the King (i.e. Prime Minister), he was a political genius who operated as the true power behind the Iron Throne, keeping the realm stable and prosperous despite the stupidity of Aerys II and Joffrey. However, despite all of his achievements, he's an [[God-Emperor of Mankind|absolutely terrible father who treats his children as nothing more than tools to further his political agenda]]. He completely overlooks the incestuous relationship his two oldest children had, and hated Tyrion and made his life a living hell for very poor reasons. He humiliated Tyrion whenever it wouldn't threaten the family's reputation, berated Tyrion for being a whoremonger despite secretly being one himself (this is ''only'' in the show), [[Grimdark|tried to get him killed multiple times]], and as the capstone of awful parenting, he taught Tyrion not to marry commoners after he married one called Tysha - by forcing Tyrion to watch Tysha get gang-raped, forcing him to rape her too and then annulling their marriage. The only person Tywin truly loved was his wife.  He eventually gets his comeuppance when Tyrion finds out the truth about the Tysha incident and kills him with a crossbow, all while driving home the point that out of all his children, Tyrion was the most alike to Tywin himself. He's based on [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Neville,_16th_Earl_of_Warwick Warwick the Kingmaker].
* Joanna Lannister: Tywin's late wife and first cousin, meaning the next three characters are inbred as well, ironically. Dies giving birth to Tyrion, which is part of why Tywin hates him, though Cersei hates him for other reasons. Caught wind of Cersei and Jaime's incestuous tendencies, but she died before she could tell Tywin. It is implied that her ghost visits Jaime in a dream and mourns the current state of her family.
* Cersei Lannister, ''Bitch Queen'': Tywin and Joanna's first child. Twin sister to Jaime Lannister and wife to King Robert Baratheon. She fucks her brother Jaime all the time and had three of his children, whom she passed off as Robert's to grab power/keep them and her from being exiled or executed for incest. She is a massive narcissist who thinks of herself as "female Tywin" and hence seeks to rule Westeros as the Queen, and will do anything to keep her power... even when [[Abaddon the Despoiler|most of her plans end up becoming utter failures]]. Crazy as all fuck and prophesied to be killed by the "little brother." This is because of a prophecy made by a witch when Cersei was a child that she'd be a beautiful queen, lose everything, her children would die before her, and the "Valonqar" would kill her. Though that does explain why she hates Tyrion as hard as all fuck, [[Just As Planned|the exact translation of the term]] that was used is "younger sibling", and not necessarily her sibling, which opens the door to all sorts of characters who hate the fuck out of her. Since Jaime is technically younger by a few seconds, him killing Cersei would be an interesting twist not without buildup. Possibly the witch was messing with her head because of what a bitch Cersei was being to her, something Cersei never grew out of. Cersei is currently alive only because Varys wants her to be, [[Just As Planned|as she's a terrible queen who'll destabilize the realm enough for him to bring back the Targaryens]]. She was completely shaved, stripped of power in all but her royal heritage and forced to do a nude walk of penance throughout the city by the High Sparrow (ASOIAF Pope- equivalent/[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Martin_Luther Martin Luther] except he won the Reformation) after he uncovered her crimes. Now she's waiting for her hair to grow back and maybe thinking of revenge. 
**She gets it in the show by blowing up the Great Sept of Baelor (ASOIAF [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Canterbury_Cathedral Canterbury Cathedral]) with everyone she doesn't like inside it, having her cousin killed near the wildfire, killing Tyene Sand with the same poison that Tyene used on Myrcella and forcing Ellaria to watch, then capturing the nun who was her jailer and [[Grimdark|leaving her to be tortured to death by zombie Gregor Clegane]]. She is in short [[Thanquol]] disguised as a beautiful blonde woman. Gets anticlimactically squashed by a collapsing ceiling along with Jaime during Daenerys's assault on King's Landing. (her biggest issue? Not dying sooner, for the Seven's sake!)
* Jaime Lannister, ''The Kingslayer'': Younger twin brother (by about three seconds) to Cersei Lannister and commander of the Kingsguard. He loves his sister in every sense of the word and had three children with her. Killed the last king despite his oath, and is widely hated for it, even though everyone agrees that dying was a massive improvement for Aerys. The reason for this betrayal was that Aerys had a huge stockpile of Acme Brand Magic Napalm stockpiled under the city, ready to be set off the moment the rebel armies broke through the town walls, and Jaime's options were to let it happen or kill Aerys before the crazy fuck got ''everybody'' killed. His desire to openly love his sister and win the respect he feels he deserves eventually causes Cersei to reject him. Starts off as an arrogant douche who [[Grimdark|tried to murder Bran Stark, but accidentally crippled him instead]]; as the series progressed he became progressively more bro-tier besides the whole wanting-to-fuck-his-sister thing, though he eventually begins to question even this devotion after seeing what a bitch she is when she comes to power. He genuinely loves Tyrion, so much so that he actually went off on his own to get him back after he heard Catelyn had him imprisoned in the Vale. He gets freed by Robb and goes on a journey through Westeros, during which he loses his sword hand and gets a lesson in valour and knighthood from Brienne of Tarth. He starts to question his legacy after his son Joffrey makes him Lord Commander of the Kingsguard, a position that was only made available because Joff expelled the knight who had actually earned it. Since Joff and Cersei had filled the Kingsguard with sycophants and their own thugs, Jaime's role as Lord Commander has left a bad taste in his mouth because he is now the leader of probably the least prestigious iteration of the Kingsguard ever. Basically, [[Sigvald|Sigvald the Magnificent]] currently in the midst of a redemption arc. In the books, he is currently being lured into a trap by Lady Stoneheart. 
**In the show, he finally told Cersei to get fucked after realizing that she'd well and truly lost it and rode north to help fight the White Walkers. He survived the Battle of Winterfell, hooked up with Brienne, and then rode south again [[Derp|because he just couldn't let Cersei go.]] Winds up getting shanked by Euron Greyjoy and dies [[Fail|via collapsing ceiling]].
* Tyrion Lannister, ''Halfman'': a very intelligent dwarf who is awesome, but hated by everyone, either because of his deformity, or because he's a Lannister. The few people who treat him well are an uncle that went missing, his brother Jaime, Jon Snow who learned a lot from him, and Varys, who at first saw him as an asset, but grew to admire his political abilities and intellect, even declaring him a friend. He seems to do much better when getting drunk with whores, rogues, bastards and barbarians. His silver tongue is one of his greatest strengths (he's witty and good at persuading people) and weaknesses (he tends to think he's way more clever than he actually is, which manifests in him being quick with insults and the truth in a city ruled by sociopaths and liars). Tyrion is also one of the only characters with an actual sense of the bigger picture, and an interest toward steering the world toward an outcome that ''doesn't'' involve a [[The End Times|Warhammer End Times]] scenario. **Unfortunately, the world's movers, shakers, and those who generally have the power to make a difference are increasingly either a) dead, b) scattered to the winds or c) hate his dwarf guts. Despite the increasing difficulty and fruitlessness of his task, however, [[Awesome|Tyrion still fights]]. After being framed for killing Joffrey, he killed his own father and fled Westeros. In the books, he is currently in exile in the Free Cities, weaselling his way into leading a merc band and trying to sign them up with Daenerys' forces, recognizing her as one of the few chances Westeros has got of fixing its shit (provided she can get her own shit together, which she's having a bit of trouble with). 
**Since characters in this series tend to either be walking tropes, rip-offs of other fantasy characters, or historical people with different names, Tyrion is probably based on the great [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miles_Vorkosigan Miles Vorkosigan] (who was himself based on a few people including Sir Winston Churchill) and is a nod to King Richard III (a deformed but competent king later demonized by historiographers of his era). Even if he is usually the smartest one in the room at any given time, though, Tyrion is still not above having some derp moments. Exhibit A, when Tyrion asked his father what happened to his first wife (right before killing him), he took an ''obvious'' "I don't know and I don't care" response ("Wherever whores go") as if it was literal directions, and afterward keeps asking random people if they know where whores go, with predictable reactions. (Admittedly he'd just killed his ex and was probably in the middle of some serious PTSD at the time, which is not great for your brain.) The show version eventually meets Daenerys and becomes her Hand only to [[Fail|fuck up a bunch of stuff]] and lose her trust. He sells her out when he realizes that she's gone round the bend and winds up becoming Hand to King Bran.
**Don't confuse TV Tyrion with book Tyrion. Book Tyrion is every bit as amoral and vindictive as everyone in the series thinks he is and waaaaay more of a grey character, especially after his exile from Westeros, where he pulls off some truly despicable shit out of spite and his own self-loathing (for example, forming a genuine romantic connection with a fellow dwarf woman, then abusing the shit out of her). TV Tyrion, meanwhile, is a nobledark character who doesn't do any of the more heinous shit book Tyrion does and pretty much becomes the audience's avatar from season 6 onwards. His entire character is robbed of any agency in order to make D&D look smart and give big moral lessons to Daenerys (which make no sense within the context of the show). 
* Kevan Lannister: Tywin's younger brother, considered "the reliable one" of the family. One of the few decent Lannisters, though saying that he is perfectly happy carrying out Tywin's bidding. Tried to talk sense into Cersei and was later called in to try and fix her mess. He did such a good job of it that Varys decided to personally thank him. With a crossbow. And a group of knife-wielding children. In the show he dies with the rest of the crowd when the Cersei nukes the Great Sept - the manner of his book death was given over to Grand Maester Pycelle at the exact same time.
* Lancel Lannister: Kevan's son, Tywin's nephew and Tyrion, Jaime, and Cersei's cousin. A callow, spoilt but well-meaning nobleman. Pretty much Joffrey but mentally stable, not sadistic, and capable of compassion and honor. Enters a sexual relationship with his cousin Cersei when Jamie is captured, which Tyrion uncovers and uses to blackmail Lancel into spying for him.  He later has a religious experience after nearly dying and joins the Poor Fellows of the Faith of the Seven, gives up his incestuous relationship and tries to convert several of his family members (somewhat successfully with Kevan, unsuccessfully with Cersei). Still alive in the books.  
**In the show, he reports Cersei to the High Sparrow (rather than the High Sparrow cleverly uncovering Cersei's plan and trapping her) and dies horribly. Cersei deliberately set him up for a particularly agonizing and drawn-out end; he's lured into a catacomb under the sept that contains a massive cache of wildfire, gets his spinal cord severed so he can't walk, and is left where he can see candles sitting in a pool of wildfire just a little too far away for him to reach it in time, so that he [[Grimdark|spends his last moments vainly trying to avert a horrible catastrophe before being incinerated]]. 
* Cersei and Robert's (actually Jaime's) children:
** Joffrey Baratheon: Spoiled brat and sociopath to the extreme. He's basically [[Sigvald]] during his teenage years (and likely inspired [[Phil Kelly|Kelly]] when he was creating the character). "Heir" to the Iron Throne, and the technical king of Westeros during the War of the Five Kings since he lives in King's Landing and sits on the throne. Turned out to be worse than Aerys. He died from poison and there was much rejoicing. [[Fail|Except by his mother, who instead had sex on his corpse]]. Fourteen years old at the time of his death. 
** Tommen Baratheon: The new king on the Iron Throne. Nine years old. Married to a teenaged shotacon wife who's (unknown to him) the granddaughter of his brother's true killer. Trying to litigate the criminalization of beets. Loves [[Cats|kittens]]. He's pretty well-rounded and non-fucked up, which is a miracle considering his parents, both putative and biological. Also seems to be trying to take kinging seriously, but his mom is trying to quash that in her subliminal attempt to hold power indefinitely, so whether it holds is another matter entirely. Prophesied to die before Cersei, which is doubly tragic due to his age and being a much better person than her. 
**In the show, he commits suicide after Cersei blows up the Great Sept (head office of the fantasy knockoff Church of England), killing his godfather, great-uncle, wife, and all his religious friends, because of course her power-hunger was more important than his happiness and well being.
** Myrcella Baratheon: Princess and Cersei and "Robert's" second oldest child. Ten years old. In order to appease the Martells, Tyrion arranges a marriage between her and the youngest Martell, which pissed off everyone. In the books, she had her face fucked up and lost an ear because of Arianne Martell's amateur intrigues, which overlapped with poor planning, general stupidity, and another guy's backstabbing. Before the maiming, she was quite decent and non-evil. Who knows how she'll turn out now with half of her face cut off. Also prophesied to die before Cersei. 
**In the show, she had a crush on Oberyn's surviving nephew but was killed by Elia in revenge for Oberyn's death. Also, the readership all got on George's balls for maiming this girl, mostly because it was a sign that he had run out of ideas and was basically just milking Diabolus ex Machina ([[Just As Planned|or that's what he wants us to think]]).
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