Editing Greek Mythology (section)

=== Part V - The Trojan Wars ===
[[File:PepeSilvia.jpg|400px|thumb|right|How you might sound like when explaining this shit]]
''The'' poetic epic. And, of course, we... [[FAIL|Lost it]]. The biggest cycle of all of mythology, and all we got are just mere scraps. Not even [[Norse Mythology]] has it this bad. Well, you could argue the [[Summerian Mythology|Epic of Gilgamesh]] is similar, but at least we have most of the text and not just a summary made by a guy born hundreds of years after it was written. Because that's how much we know of the Trojan Wars. Well, we know about the real deal but don't know the full deets of the myths themselves. 

To put it simply, the myths were written in eight different parts. Some were written and/or collected by Homer (assuming he was a single real person), some by other unknown authors who contributed to the sheer mess that this Cycle is. In any case, the following parts were ''Cypria'', ''The Illiad'', ''Aethiopis'', the ''Little Illiad'', the ''Sack of Troy'', the ''Returns'', ''The Odyssey'' and ''Telegony''. They detailed the reasons why the war broke out and the first nine years that preceded the day [[Creed|Odysseus pulled the horse trick on the Trojans]], and then the returns of every king that took part in the war effort, Odysseus' trip being the most notable of them all.  Of these eight works, we only have two of them, namely the Illiad and the Odyssey. Why weren't the other ones preserved? We don't know. Perhaps by negligence, or simply by the fact that these stories were orally transmitted, something the Celts and the Gauls also did for all of their myths, and you know how much we have of their actual mythology, eh? (Nothing)

What we do know is that SOMETHING did happen.  The excavated foundations of Troy VII indicate it was burned to the ground.  There were a lot of people, weapons, and arrows in the rubble, and it happened sometime between 1220-1180 BC.

Lettuce begin.

==== Act I  - Olympian affairs ====
A long time ago, Themis, goddess of Justice, came to Zeus to tell him of a prophecy. Just like his father before him, and his grandfather too, he would be thwarted from the throne of Olympus by one of his sons. Another version says that Prometheus, one of the former Titans freed by Heracles as part of his Twelve tasks, told him about that. Which makes sense, given that his leader was killed and castrated by the lightning bolt douche in charge. In any case, Zeus wasn't exactly thrilled by this, given how this almost happened with Zagreus, one of his illegitimate sons ([[WTF|with Persephone, mind you]]), did sit on the throne and was thought to be the next ruler of the gods. Granted, Hera had him blasted across the Mount for this, and he was just a baby. Another part of the prophecy stated that said son would not one birthed by Hera, but by a sea-nymph named Thetis. To make sure Zeus actually does not do anything stupid, he arranges a wedding between her and Peleus, an elderly king. Not that marriages really stopped Zeus from sogging his biscuit before, but hey, if it works...

The Olympians were invited to Peleus and Thetis' wedding. This made Hera ''reasonably'' happy. Each of the gods brought their own gifts and blessings to the couple. But Zeus, feeling that the literal embodiment of disorders was going to ruin everything at the last minute, ordered that Eris should not come to the wedding. Hermes tried to prevent her from entering, and although he did manage to stop her, she threw her own gift at the door. It was a single golden apple, with on it inscribed the words [[Skub|"To the fairest"]]. By all logic, this gift must have been for Thetis, right? Well no, because Aphrodite, Hera, and, strangely enough, Athena started to quarrel over it. Given that neither of them could properly decide who should get it, they assigned Paris to choose a worthy contender for the apple. He was a prince of Troy living on Mount Ida as a shepherd so to escape a possible horrible fate after hearing a prophecy which said that Troy would fall.

The Three goddesses arrived and ask him who actually deserved it. Paris, having absolutely no idea why three Olympians would come to him to make a decision, could not actually provide a concrete answer. So to actually settle things, the three goddesses decided to bribe him with gifts and blessings matching their respective field of expertise. However, Aphrodites hit the spot, because she promised him to be married to [[Lucrezzia Belladonna|the most beautiful woman in the world]]. Paris chooses her. And let's be honest, he's right. Because, hey, goddess of love and everything. But anyway, remember this because this is going to come back to bite him in the ass at the worst possible moment. [[Troll|Thanks, Eris]].

Later, Zeus lets out a sigh of relief because Thetis has a child, and its not one of his. Thus canceling the prophecy. This kid is Achilles. It was foretold (yes, again) that he would die old after an uneventful life or die young on the battlefield after which his name would be sung and celebrated in poetry forever and ever. Neither prospects sound particularly good, but to add salt to injury, when Achilles was nine years old, another fortune-telling seer prophesized that Troy would not fall without his help. Yes, that's the second prophecy related to Troy falling thus far. If this is starting to sound like it was all premeditated, Hesiod might have a word or two to say about that. 

Anyway, Thetis was absolutely frightened by the idea of losing her precious infant so soon, so to make sure that neither prophecies happened at all, she decided to make him immortal. Either Thetis washed him with ambrosia every night until Peleus discovered it and threw a hissy fit, or Thetis bathed Achilles in the Styx. Why the Styx specifically? Well, it is told that while the dead cross the stream to join the place they belong to after they pass Hades' gates, mortals would actually become immortal by simply swimming in the stuff. Of course, Thetis [[EPIC FAIL|absolutely fucked it]] by awkwardly holding him while he was being soaked by the river, and his heel was not affected by the River. Meaning he was completely indestructible... Except for one, itty, bitty part of him. Keep that in mind too, that detail is gonna come back later. 

So after that, Thetis decided to hide Achilles in the court of Lycomedes, lord of Skyros and disguised him as a girl. Achilles grew up to become of the most accomplished warriors in Greece. - Yes, Achilles was a femboy twink. This is Ancient Greece, that was perfectly normal back in those days.

Now, remember Aphrodite's bribe? Her name is Helen. The daughter of Tyndareus, King of Sparta. Allegedly. Some sources say that her real father was Zeus, who slept with his wife in the form of a swan (no, really). But the important thing is that Tyndareus is looking to marry her, and boy does she have a lot of suitors. But the king was afraid that actually choosing one would cause a fucking riot. That's how hot Helen was. Odysseus, king of Ithaca and one of the suitors, told him to keep it cool and make an agreement with him and the other suitors so that when he finally chooses who gets to marry Helen, all of them must agree to protect and endorse the couple. They all accepted, begrudgingly.

The suitors drew lots to decide who would marry Helen, and the lucky husband-to-be was Menelaus, the king of Sparta and brother to Agamemnon, the king of Mycenae. The latter, being a powerful king in his own right, was married to Helen's sister Clytemnestra. 

Things went well between Menelaus and Helen for a while, and then Eros, or Cupid (sent by Aphrodite) struck Paris and Helen with his arrow while the former was visiting Sparta on a diplomatic mission. They fell in love '''on the spot'''. Eventually, the Trojan prince showed up while Menelaus was away attending his grandfather's funeral and ran off with Helen. 

[[War|The results were predictable.]]

==== Act II - The Gatherings ====

So what do you get when you have a couple who's been made to artificially fall in love with one another and their love is technically impossible/forbidden? A kidnapping of course. Maybe their love wasn't so artificial, given how Helen didn't had much to say in the matter of her wedding. That being said, she and Paris fled the place on boat. This made Hera '''[[RAGE|extremely fucking mad]]''' and she sent a storm to make matters worse. They landed in Sidon. Paris was once again shook with terrible visions and a sudden stream of paranoia and decided to sail back to Troy. ''[[FAIL|And took Helen with him]]''. Like that was going to solve anything. 

Now just so that we're clear. No, the war was not caused by a love triangle. This is a diplomatic incident most foul. The alliance between Sparta and the other fiefdoms was at stakes, and if Paris, the fucking prince of Troy, was going to ruin what actually solidified this alliance in the first place, this meant war. Understandably, Menelaus was angry. Very much so. So he and Odysseus travelled to Troy to solve the issue with at least some form of diplomacy. It failed. [[WAAAGH|And we think you know what this means]]. Menelaus decides to gather up a team, namely the suitors who swore to protect the couple at all costs even though they weren't chosen. So he tasks Agamemnon to sent emmisaries to every Archaean clan to summon them to war.

''We should warn you though, this where the myths get extremely confusing. Because things went differently depending on the author and the traditions. So we will try our best efforts to give you a concise idea of what happened.''

And we open these confusing retellings with the biggest points of contension of this entire cycle. Homer retconning everything the other writers did. Odyseus, despite coming up with the idea of forming an alliance with the suitors, was not too thrilled about joining the war. He tried to feign madness but was quickly outsmarted by Palamedes who put him in a situation where he had to kill his son. Refusing to do so, he revealed his sanity and was forced to join the war... But then again, according to Homer, he was already willing to join the war effort in the first place, given how he himself anticipated it. And then we have Achilles. Well, what part of the story do you want to believe? Choose between the following possible scenarios;
* Homer said that Achilles never hide in Skyros and actually conquered the island once the war broke out.
* Phoenix (not the creature, the guy) went to retrieve him and revealed him as a man when he blew an horn to ring the alarm and have him slashing his way through for a good fight instead of fleeing like the rest of the girls.
* Phoenix, again, came to retrieve him, but disguised as a merchant. Recognizing Achilles because out of all the girls, he was the only one actually inspecting weapons instead of silk and clothes.

See? Those are just two massive plot holes of this cycle. And there are many like these two. But we're going to spare you the details because otherwise shit will get confusing. Now, let's get back to business.

The forces of the suitors gathered at Aulis, a greek port town. All responded to the call except Cinypras who sent breastplates and fifty ships to Agamemnon, [[Troll|one made of wood, the rest being made of clay.]] Once everyone was assembled, they all prepared for the war and made accomodations. Designating leaders, ranks and the pecking order of the suitors army's hierarchy. Achilles was the last one to join them, to everyone surprise, actually. Especially when they revealed who he was and explained why was he unheard of for so long... And that it turned out he was 15 years old. After a sacrifice to Apollo, [[What|a snake slithered from the altar and ate nine sparrow chicks before turning into stone.]] This was interpreted as a sign that Troy would fall after nine years of war. Good old foreshadowing.

And so the army marched to Troy, or rather sailed to. A big, powerful army of hundreds of thousands of men, armed to the teeth with weapons and a lot whole lot of military expertise, with the biggest, most impressive armade of all Ancient Greece... [[Derp|And they forgot where Troy was]], and so [[FAIL|they got lost]]. They ended up debarking in Mysia, a land ruled by Telephus, the son of '''motherfucking ''Heracles''''' of all people, who had a bunch of Archadians under his command. Oops. They end up battling, and during the conflict, Achilles ends up wounding Telephus, because he himself killed a close friend of his. The wound would not heal. Telephus asked an oracle about this, to which he replied with; "[[What|He that wounded shall heal]]". After the battle was settled, the army set sailed once again... Only to be scatterd by a big storm. We're off to a great start.

And now its time for another great point of contingency! This time, we don't know how Telephus was healed! What we do know is that Achilles went back to Skyros to marry Deidamia and organize another gathering. And here's where [[You|you]] choose the course of events;
* Telephus went to Aulis disguised as a beggar and asked absolute bro Agamemnon to heal his wound... Which is dumb because Agamemnon didn't even brawl with him.
* Telephus went there, undisguised, and held Orestes, the son of Agamemnon, as hostage so to force Achilles into healing him. He refused, explaining that he has ''no'' medical knowledge. Until Odysseus, in a moment of pure troll logic, told him that if he managed to wound Telephus with his spear, [[WTF|then it should also be able to heal him.]] So they broke the spear, scattered the remains on his wound, [[Natural 20|and miraculously, it worked]].

In any case, judging by how things went, they decided to take the dark premonition of Apollo's sacrifice seriously, and wait eight more years before setting sail to Troy and finally finish what Paris started. As payment for his healing, Telephus indicated the way to Troy, so that next time they shoudln't end up fucking up his crib instead.

<span style='font-size:300%'>'''EIGHT YEARS LATER'''</span>

The fleet gathered again. This time in bigger numbers because now there were ''thousands'' of ships involved into this. However, the winds were bad, big time, actually. So bad in fact that it turned out this was all a punishment. Agamemnon had apparently killed a sacred deer or a perfectly regular deer in an otherwise sacred grove that belonged to Artemis, but also boasting that he was a better hunter. As punishment, Artemis turned the winds against him, given the fact that he was in the fleet's commander. Unless he sacrified his own daughter to her, he shall never actually sail to Troy. Refusing to sacrifice Iphigenia, his crew had to threaten his position to actually change his mind. AND GUESS WHAT TIME IS IT ONCE AGAIN!? Yes! More "Choose your own greek myth bullshittery! So, depending on who you ask;
* Agamemnon went "well, if you can't beat 'em, sacrifice your daughter to 'em" and relunctantly killed her.
* Agamemnon decided to [[Troll|kill another deer instead]].
* Artemis took pity on the girl and decided to make her one of her maidens instead, which is a big deal because she otherwise works alone. According to Hesiod, Iphigenia later became Hecate, for some reason.

Anyway after... That, they finally sailed for Troy, this time for real. Now, surpringly speaking, there exist a catalogue of ships that detail the exact lists of ships present in the fleet. But then again, it could be a complete invention by Homer. What we will tell you though is an interesting tid-bit about Greek ships. True to their tendency to explain certain phenomenons occuring in the world, the Greeks believed that there was [[World of Darkness|a hidden world filled with magical things that even most the gods were seemingly unaware of]]. A part of this world were the spirits of ships. They believed that every vessel that they created had a soul. Hence why they were given a name and a pair of eyes on the prow, so that they could see. It has been theorized that the ships has supernatural capabilities in the myths, but given how they can't even sail without the wind on their side... Maybe not. Also another thing to note; maybe the Argos was a part of the expedition. You know, the ship of the Argonauts? Ain't that awesome? 

You might actually be wondering what the Trojans were up to this entire time. After hearing of the shenanigans that happened eight years prior, they let out a sight of relief because the gods were on their side that day, and they decide to gather some allies from all around Greece... More or less. The second book of the Illiad details that they managed to get the help of enemies of the suitors, people who had a grudge against either Agamemnon, Odysseus or any of the other kings, ''nymphs'' and ''a literal mountain goddess'' (contested), a whole plethora of tribesmen and warriors castes from the northern castes [[Orks|who gladly joined the Trojans for a good fight]]. Even Celts joined in. And another city-state led by a '''fucking son of Zeus'''. We don't have the details of that particular part of the story. [[RAGE|But we could only wish we actually did]].

And now, [[WAAAGH|for the main course of this here event]].

==== Act III - The War ====
==== Act IV - The Returns, or how Odysseus had it worse ====
==== Act V - After the War ====